#but I really do want to succeed at life and I am trying my hardest

[mcalhenwrites]

Cal's Goals List

I'm trying my best to work hard as I can, despite my disabilities, so I can make a steady living. I work part time around dogs, but I also write books, draw dragons and take sketch commissions, and even sell crocheted items at tables (but I'd love to stop monetizing this and only have it as a hobby - so I can crochet my dragon OCs when it isn't physically hurting to crochet). My goals? One: I need a car to get to work. I work two towns over - will be even further away if I get this second part time job at the same company - and have three people juggling to give me rides. Two: I do need to buy a new laptop, and I'm extraordinarily picky with writing laptops. The one I use now is over 7 years old and still going, but only barely, and she can't support Win 11 so she'll lose support by October of next year. Three: I'd love to help out with more bills that my roommate currently covers for both of us. Four: I want to make enough money to save up for a house. I'm very sad my dog lives with my parents. He is turning 10 in October, and he's a pyr mix. I miss him. I'm rubbing my face against toys before I mail them so he can smell me on them, and I talk to him on speaker phone, but... it's not the same. I miss my baby.

Now, I have a book out for sale, and it won't be the only one. I hope to release some short stories and other novels within the next few months. For now, there is Geckos, Automata!

I have a Patreon and Ko-Fi as well. I have tiers for $1, $3, $5, and $10 to subscribe to on Patreon, plus some higher ones that I don't expect anyone to actually sub to, but admittedly I'm paywalling all my crochet at a high price to show I'm not really interested in monetizing it, but... I will, if it helps me get my dog back. Right now, Ko-Fi only shows a car goal, but I'll switch it to something else once I reach that goal. I'm saving from my part time job each paycheck for a car as well, so that $2500 is just to help, not the total. If you want to help out one time and give me physical gifts, you're free to hit up my wishlist as well. These allow me some comforts, though I ask if I have medical stuff or indie books on that list that are only sold through that site and nowhere else, you focus on those. That benefits other authors or helps with my healthcare. Thank you! :D You can also read some of my writing - original and fanfiction - on AO3! It's free, and you can use it to decide whether or not Geckos, Automata is up your alley. Thank you so much if you buy anything, boost anything, cheer me on, etc. I just need some wins in life. I'm going to keep chugging along, head up as much as I can keep it up. I think my writing and dragon art can be really intriguing for the right audience. I love what I do, and the more I write, the happier I am. But also: I love my dog and he deserves the best. Also, I think my roommate's kitties would love the space, and one of the cats would for sure be happy with more animals to play with. (The other is a bit skittish, but he'd warm up too, I'm pretty confident about that.)

[clownprincehoeshi]

Parallel Hearts - Chapter 9

Synopsis: Never in your wildest dreams you imagined that you’ll meet your ult bias. Maybe you finally have your shot at love and happiness. Or not.

Pairing: fem reader x idol Jungkook fem reader x idol Mingyu fem reader x idol Hoshi

Genre: Fluff, Smut, Angst

Warnings: Kissing-Nudity-Sex 18+-Harrassment-Stalking-Death mentions-Cheating

Word count: 5681

Previous chapter

Masterlist

Rebloging is important and much apreciated. Leave your comments, oppinions, ideas, whatever you like. My inbox in open. Kpop writers, let’s be moots?

If you didn’t know before what you were feeling for Soonyoung, now you kind of do. That hug told you a lot. You had feelings for him, and these stupid feelings started creeping up here and there, without you realising.

You don’t know when it started or why. Maybe because he had such a soft and kind personality? Maybe because he was cute and fluffy like a teddy bear? And every time he smiled at you it made your day better?

You managed to pick yourself up and got that salad done. You all sat around the table outside, food and drinks all out and ready. You thought to taste some wine. Afterall, you were in a village filled with winery.

Being not such a big fan of wine meant you were not used to drink it so just one glass turned you into a talking smiley human.

It’s fine, you were among friends. Hana and Jun knew you very well. Then there was Vernon that would never judge or laugh at you. Joshua was completely drunk by now and Soonyoung seemed tipsy too, cheeks all red.

Now, maybe Seungkwan was the type to crack up some jokes, but he was too busy having fun.

Seungkwan: Ok, I have a proporsi…proprosi…porpo…shit. Let me try again. Pro po sit ion. There! Tonight is a night for deep conversations. We are among friends and I don’t know about you, but I would love to hear some touching stories and ideal from each of you. And maybe someone even has questions.

Joshua: I love this, Kwanie.

Seungkwan: Since I came up with the idea, I’ll start. I want to know what was the hardest moment of your life and what did you do to make it better.

Hana: Wow, that’s some deep shit there. The hardest moment for me was when my grandmother died. She practically raised me and I will never forget her. And I think you never heal from something like that, but with time, things get a little better and you cry less.

You try to show her some support by rubbing her back. You know the feeling of loosing someone close like that. It happened when you were in your home country few years back. You still think about that friend every single day. So yeah, it’s something that will always hurt.

Seungkwan: Ok, my hardest moment it’s similar. Everyone knows about my best friend and what happened. So….yeah, that was…really hard. I still struggle with the pain sometimes, but I have really good friends around me and my family. I know I am loved and it makes me feel safe.

Joshua: Yaaaah, this conversation while drunk hits different. Me next!! I think for me it was when I moved from the States. I didn’t know the language, the people, the culture. I was just a church boy that found himself in a foreign place. What about you, Hosh?

Hoshi: Ummm, there have been a few times when I had a really hard time. I can say that it’s hard to put one in front of the other because the contexts were very different. But for me, there were two moments. First one was when we first got hate from the public and antis. We were just kids and we didn’t deserve that much hate. I mean why would people be so mean? There is room for everybody. To tell us that we will never succeed. It made my blood boil. But we showed them. Look where we are now, there is no higher than this.

Vernon: And the second one?

Some of the guys were already prepared for what he was going to say, they knew it will be about his ex.

Hoshi: I mean…you know. Do I have to say it?

Seungkwan: Some of us don’t know, so yes. Not me, though, I know EVERYTHING!

Hoshi: It was when my at the time girlfriend cheated on me with one of my favourite idols. Caught them in bed. Something like that traumatises you for life. Really. I still have nightmares about it and I’m afraid of starting a new relationship. I think I better stay single.

Jun: Hosh, we talked about this before. You can’t expect that every future partner will act like that. For example, did you ever cheat?

Hoshi: No.

Jun: Then, Y/N here that was cheated on by an ex should think all guys cheat and never get involved with a guy again?

Hoshi: Someone cheated on you?

Hana: Yeah, silly. Your friend Mingyu.

Hoshi: I am sure he didn’t.

Hana: How can you know?

Hoshi: He’s one of the most genuine guys I know and I trust him, he would not lie to us.

Y/N: It doesn’t matter now, and yes, I have been cheated on, but by a guy you don’t know. It’s all in the past.

Hoshi: I want to know.

Joshua: Tell us, Y/N, we won’t judge. It’s a safe space and it stays between us.

Y/N: Sooo, I was 21 and we were together since I was 18. He was my first love, we met in college. I thought he was such a kind person, until I started to pay attention to the things my friends were telling me. I was just so blinded by love that I couldn’t see the big red flags. Turned out in our last year together he started a new relationship with a girl who used to be his best friend’s girlfriend.

Vernon: Shiiiieeeet, that’s so fucked up.

Y/N: And the way I found out it made me sick. We used to live together and when I got back to our shared apartment from a weekend of taking care of my sister, because she got very sick. I found long black hairs everywhere. All over the bedroom floor, in the toilet, even inside of one of my fucking t shirts. He gave her my t shirt, guys! My favourite t shirt with the picture of my dog on it.

Hoshi: Where does this guy lives?

Jun: What’s his name?

Y/N: It obviously still hurts knowing I was so disrespected and humiliated. Of course it still plays with my head whenever I meet someone new. So you can understand why I just couldn’t believe Mingyu and get back together. Yeah, maybe he didn’t cheat, maybe it was a trap for us to brake up, but for me, having such low trust, it’s a deal braker. The moment the guy I’m with makes me cry and hurtlike that and feel unsecure about our relationship, it’s done.

Seungkwan: Oh, now things are starting to make sense. I think you two could share your experience, since it’s similar. I never knew how is to be cheated on.

He said, pointing to Hoshi while looking at you.

Y/N: Jun, tell us yours.

Jun: It’s like Shua hyung. Leaving home for a foreign country. Man, it was so hard to communicate with the guys. They were very good to me though and I really feel loved. So all hardship paid off in the end.

Everyone looking at Vernon, waiting.

Vernon: Oh. My turn. For me, it’s not a specific moment that happened and that’s that. It’s something that keeps on happening and I find myself having the hardest times when it does. It’s when I see members having a tough time, whether they are sick, or exhausted, or just sad and depressed. Their mood is affecting me a lot and it’s really hard to help when it happens. Because you never know what are the right words or the right actions, you know.

Everyone looking at Vernon with heart eyes and nodding, like he said something amazing. Which he did, Vernon is a pretty mature and knowledgeable guy. We love him, we admire him and we need to protect him, ok?

Y/N: Noni, I feel really bad about all those weird ass fan calls you are getting. I wish I would slap some sense into those fans, you don’t deserve that.

Seungkwan: Remember when Mingyu just hang up to a fan that told him to show her his abs? That’s what we should do every time someone is rude or out of line like that.

Y/N: Yeeesss!!!!! And you should hire me as your bodyguard and I’ll slap some bitches.

Joshua: Really? That’s how much you love us?

In your drunken state, you didn’t realise that the next second you looked right into Soonyoung’s eyes while replying “yes”to Joshua.

When he blushed red, you realised what you did and moved your eyes from him.

Shit shit shit!

Hana: Juniiii! Did you know that I had the biggest crush on you?

You were just having a sip from your glass and hearing her, you spit that all out. Luckily, in the air and on yourself, not on someone else. You rushed to the bathroom, took your shirt off and tried to wash it as quick as you could.

Stupid wine! I knew I shouldn’t drink it.

You think you did a pretty decent job with getting the stains out and now you have to get out of the downstairs bathroom to go up to your bedroom and find a new shirt to wear.

Hurrying out the bathroom door into the hallway, your drunk mind had no time to intercept the person in front of you and you crashed right into them.

The crash was so fast and silly and it threw both of you to the floor, whining.

Y/N: Ooooowww, my butt!!!

Hoshi: What about mine? Don’t you watch where you’re going?

Y/N: Me? What about you? Were you going to enter the bathroom while I was still inside?

Hoshi: I didn’t know you were in there.

Y/N: What if I was naked?

Hoshi: Why would you be naked?

Y/N: Taking a shower is supposed to happen naked.

Hoshi: Well you are half naked.

Y/N: Uh?

And you look down. You’re indeed half naked, only shorts and a bra on. You forgot all about the wet shirt you had in your hand that went flying somewhere on the floor.

Y/N: Like you’re not enjoying the view. Huh!

Hoshi: Am not!

Y/N: You are, look how you’re still starring.

Hoshi: Not my fault, I’m just a guy and you’re…

Y/N: I’m what?

He gets up faster than Flash and walks past you, right into the bathroom.

Y/N: I’m what? I’m what?

Hoshi: Shut uuuup!

He panicked because he was this close to tell you “you’re beautiful”

Because why would you tell a woman she’s beautiful, she doesn’t need to know. Keep your feelings to yourself, make her wait. Let her wonder. Wait a while, let her think, let her want you. Let her find another guy, get married. Maybe then it’s the right time to tell her. right?

You’re such an idiot! He tells himself. For almost blowing up his cover or for not telling you? He’s not sure. Just like he’s not sure what to do about what he feels towards you.

Now he’s sitting on the bathroom door, back leaned on the door, mouth open and eyes wide. He thinks he needs to stop drinking. How is he supposed to manage this week with you around? Why did he come here? He could have stayed back at the hotel with the other guys.

15 minutes later he gets out and walks outside. Nobody’s there. He hears music on the beach so he starts walking slowly, passing the trees and bushes in his way.

All of you were dancing in the sand, under the Moon. The sea was calm and the breeze nice. He felt happy, so in that moment he decided that what’s done is done and he will try to enjoy the next few days, even if it will become harder and harder for him.

He joined in into your little dancing circle.

Of course, you needed to tease him now.

Y/N: Now Kwon Soonyoung, we know we’re mere peasants compared to your dancing skills, please don’t make us feel bad.

Hoshi: Ha! I’m not a meanie like you, would never do that.

Y/N: Oh, I’m a meanie now?

In a fraction of a second you take his bottle of water he was holding in his hand and you run towards the water. He starts running after you.

Hoshi: Yaaaahh!! Give me that? I need to get sober!

Y/N: Why? You’re more easy drunk.

You stop few steps into the water and turn to him.

Hoshi: Easy? I’m not easy!

Y/N: Yeah you are. If DK was here you would be kissy kissy.

Hoshi: Well that’s because it’s our thing when we drink. My lips are not cheap, you know. I don’t just kiss anyone.

You start putting your lips, making kissing faces.

Y/N: Who will you kiss tonight? Seungkwan? I know you like to get him angry and he would hate that.

He starts pacing to your direction, his eyes mad and face serious. He grabs your chin with one hand and plants a kiss right on your lips. A small, quick kiss. Didn’t really feel like a peck, because it was wet, hard and longer than one.

With his other hand he grabs his bottle then he turns around and walks to the others.

Hoshi: Is this answering your question?

And he left you there. Pouty and upset. Shocked. He left you with your thought. There is nothing to say to that, he left you speechless for the first time. Well, it’s the first time that he knows of.

He stops somewhere a few meters in his way and turns to you, almost like waiting for an answer. He had no idea where this courage came from. He really kissed you.

Hoshi: Tiger got you tongue?

He crosses his arms before his chest and looks at you, still waiting. He thinks you’re so cute flustered like that.

Then you start moving and walk to him.

Y/N: Why did you do that?

Hoshi: What did I do?

Y/N: This is not a game, Soonyoung. After that conversation we just had one hour ago? You pull this? You can’t just kiss me then act like nothing happened.

Hoshi: I needed to shut you up somehow, you kept being mean to me.

Y/N: So what, now you’re going to kiss me anytime I tease you?

Hoshi: I don’t know.

Y/N: Do you like me, or something? Because it’s giving crush.

Hoshi: Pfff, as if. It was just a peck and I got the reaction I wanted. Look at you all flustered.

You shake your head and walk away. You hear his footsteps in the back, this time he’s quiet.

You don’t stop walking, telling goodnight to the group and heading to your room.

Seungkwan: Ya, Hoshi! What did you do?

Hoshi: Nothing, I was just messing with her a little.

You go straight into the shower, taking a cold one and all you can think about, all you can see and feel is that kiss. Stupid Soonyoung!!!

You get into bed and minutes later Hana comes and lays next to you, pulling one leg over yours.

Hana: Pooks, what happened?

Y/N: Stupid Soonyoung kissed me.

Hana: Wha..when? why?

Y/N: When we were in the water. I was teasing him about kissing the guys when he’s drunk so I guess he took it as a challenge? I don’t know.

Hana: Didn’t you hit his nut sack again?

Y/N: Nah, I was just speechless and I was standing there like a fool. Then I scolded him for doing that and left.

Hana: What did he say?

Y/N: He was acting like it was nothing. Really, I don’t get this guy.

Hana: You think he was trying to get back at you for that kiss in front of Mingyu and JK?

Y/N: You know…that didn’t even cross my mind. But you might be onto something. Still, after the conversation we had, he goes and kisses me?

Hana: Well, babe, you’re both single and adults. Nobody is cheating anybody. But I have the best idea ever.

Y/N: Oh no, here comes the worst idea ever.

Hana: No, I’m serious, it’s so good you will think I’m the smartest person. Here it goes. What if.

Y/N: Yeah?

Hana: What if? And bare with me here. What if you play his game, but better.

Y/N: What the hell does that mean?

Hana: I feel like he’s playing here, wanting to see your reactions. Beat him at his own game. Play it, do crazy shit to get a reaction out of him, flirt. Like, heavy flirting. You know what I mean.

Y/N: Hana, you know I kinda like him, right?

Hana: So what?

Y/N: Like, I don’t want to hurt my own feelings. You know, starting to like him more from all the flirting and he rejects me.

Hana: Pleaaaase, it will be so fun. I promise, boo! If you want, I can give you the ideas on what exactly to do. He won’t know what it hit him. Look at me! If he isn’t in love after I’m done with him, you can do whatever you want, I will be your personal servant for the whole year.

Y/N: I will do it only because I don’t lose at games. You’re on, Kwon Hoshi!

At least you could sleep now, knowing he’s been challenging you with that kiss and you’re going to get back at him.

Next morning the plan was in motion. Hana helped you pick the sexiest swim suit and you wore it for breakfast, with just a thin unbuttoned shirt over it. He hasn’t seen you like this ever.

And when he lays eyes on you  while you’re coming down the stairs it all feels in slowmotion. Your long golden hair shining when you walked in front of the window right into the sunshine. A light breeze was blowing your shirt away, revealing your spectacular tanned body.

He thought you looked like a goddess. Walking slowly and sensual towards the kitchen, his eyes went to your thighs. Magnificent, he thought. He wanted to be squeezed by them. They looked so soft.

Eyes going up to your perfect waist that he wanted to grip and never let go, to your breasts that were barely covered by the swim suit bra. If he was never a boob guy, now he was. Your neck sensual and long. If only he could put his hand around it while thrusting into you.

And don’t even get him started with your lips. He loved them. So plump, soft and sweet. Now that he felt them he wanted more.

You reached the kitchen table where he was sitting and his mouth almost drooling, opened wide, made you chuckle.

Y/N: Soonyoung, are you feeling ok? Too much Sun for you here? What can I do to make you feel better?

You put your hand on his thigh and look at him with a cute pout.

He snaps out of it like your hand burned his leg.

Hoshi: Sorry, I just had too much to drink last night and I’m not feelings super.

Y/N: Did you eat yet? Want me to make you something?

Hoshi: I ate what Shua hyung made earlier.

Then you pat his head and leaned in a little to push your breasts together right in his face.

Y/N: Ok Soonyoungie, just tell me if you need anything.

All the guys were looking at each other lost, was clear you were teasing Hoshi and honestly, it was funny to them.

After you had something to eat, you saw the group outside around the pool and you signaled Hana that you’re going for another attack.

Hana: Girl! Already, a second attack? You trying to finish the poor boy?

Y/N: He started it, I’m going to finish it.

And like that you walked outside, slowly, moving your hips from side to side like a tease. You knew you will leave collateral damage in your path but it was war. You’re not weak.

Walking to stand in front of him on the other side of the pool, you drop your shirt and slowly sitting on the edge, dipping your feet in the water. At some point you lean forward to get some in your hands and splash it over your chest.

Droplets of cold water dropping down your sunbathed body, running down down to your belly and further into your bikinis.

Hoshi gulps loud, he fears the whole planet heard it. His throat feels dry like he just chewed a cactus and swallowed it.

He starts coughing agresively.

Noticing this and knowing it’s because of you, you raise the stakes. You look at Hana and nod and she immediately brings over some oil for tanning.

Since he drank some water to calm himself down, you took advantage and started to pour oil all over your barely covered body, massaging slowly and sensualy.

The worst thing for Hoshi was not that, but the way you locked your eyes with his while massaging yourself with the oil.

Jun knew already what was coming, Josh was quietly waiting, looking between you two, feeling the tension. Vernon was somewhere on a daybed sleeping. Again. Seungkwan was waiting for the drama like hot bread and Hana was trying not to die laughing.

You knew your acting skills were at a high level, in a funny way. But now you were trying to be more or the sexy side of acting.

So after you put oil all over your front side, you were pretending you couldn’t reach your back side so you grabed your little oil bottle and came to Hoshi.

Hoshi: Soonyoungie, help please?

Looking up at you with the bambiest eyes that ever bambied, he stopped breathing.

Hoshi: What?

You grabbed his hand to pull him up and he was just like a rag in your hold. He was just so weak and complient. He stood up and you handed him your oil.

He took without questioning any further; you turned your back to him.

He was like a lost puppy waiting for instructions.

Y/N: Come on, Soonie, the Sun will burn my skin. Are you scared?

Hoshi: Scared? Of what?

Y/N: I don’t know, you tell me.

 As soon as he heard scared, his competitive side came to life and he started to rub the fuck out of that oil on your body. When he finished with your back, he went down on your butt, being not very gentle with it.

You got a soft moan out of your mouth, could not figure out if it just happened or it was planned. You’ll tell your friends later it was planned 100%.

When he heard your little moan, he rolled his eyes so hard he could feel them on the back of his head. He felt tormented and tortured.

He felt getting hard under his shorts. He had half a brain to keep his oversized t shirt on, hiding his shameful hardon. He felt like a perv.

Then he had to kneel behind you to rub your legs too.  Just some 30 minutes ago he was thinking how would those thighs feel.

Well I’m dead already. Stop being such a pussy, you know she’s doing this on purpose. Keep your head up! No! Bad idea! Not right now, dummy, there’s that unbelievable ass up there. Keep your eyes to the ground and finish this quick. Mingyu, you idiot.

Hoshi: I need to wash the oil off my hands.

And he sprints to the bathroom upstairs where he can be sure nobody will bother him for the new minutes. The guy was beyond turned on. He hadn’t had sex in a few good months, they were on tour, he hasn’t  even had a passing friend with benefits since he can’t even remember.

Then it was this..thing he felt for you. Was it just lust? Just a horny guy who needs it bad?

As soon as he entered his bathroom, he locked the door, threw his clothes off, got under the cold shower and took care of that impossibly hard cock he had in his hand.

Thinking about how that hand also just touched your ass, your legs. Oh, he felt like such a big perv again. But he admitted he was weak for you.

He wasn’t usually like this. He was always drawn to feelings then came the lust and sex. He always needed some sort of connection with his partners to feel the need for sex.

But this? Now? He couldn’t describe, it felt animalistic almost. His hand up and down his thick leaking cock started to become faster and faster. He really needed to cum and calm himself down.

He thought this was the best orgasm ever, even better than when he had sex. What is he doing with his life? That’s not right.

You splayed yourself over a towel next to the pool. Hana was next to you, whispering in your ear about Hoshi.

Hana: I could bet that he went to jerk himself off. I just know it.

Joshua: Y/N, that with Soonyoung was fucking hilarious. Please do it again, I love watching him flustered.

Soonyoung appeared after a short while. He needed a cold cold shower too. He gave you a look, shaking his head, almost like wanting to say “you’re not playing fair, but it’s on”

He maybe be weak sometimes but he’s a fighter. He never gives up.

That same day at night it was time for your third and final attack of the day.

You baked some cake with chocolate and brought it to everyone to taste. The chocolate easily melted on the fingers when you took the small piece of cake with your hand.

You didn’t bring any utensils, exactly for this reason. Damn, Hana is such a menace sometimes, she has such crazy good ideas.

You hoped everyone will take the cake with their hands and it is like you suspected. You offered one to Hoshi, with a cute innocent smile on your face. If only he knew.

As soon as you saw his fingers covered in chocolate, you made a worried face.

Y/N: Oh no, you’ve gotten a bit dirty. Let me help.

And when you took his thumb and put it in your mouth to suck all that chocolate off, his legs melted. He forgot his own name.

With a shocked face he asked: What are you doing?

Y/N: Helping you clean up.

Hoshi: Aish, this girl.

He started smirking and pretending to scold you.

Hoshi: I had no idea you wanted me this much.

Y/N: I don’t, though. And I am not trying to do anything.

He leans closer to your face, locks ayes with you and runs his thumb over your lower lip, then puts it in his mouth.

Hoshi: You left some chocolate here. You’re welcome!

So he’s hitting back. Good, I would feel bad for having a weak opponent. I might like him even more now.

It went out like this the whole week. You did something, he did something. Every time you both got flustered. Your friends were getting tired of it, seeing the obvious tension between you too. And it was more of a sexual tension.

You two looked at each other like you wanted nothing more than to spend the next 24 hours in bed.

The last night before you had to go back in Barcelona, you decided to have a serious talk to him, because you felt overwhelmed. You felt like your heart would explode.

You knew it, you were in love. You didn’t want to be, you wanted to erase every single little feeling.

You were all walking to your wooden cabin in the woods where you spend the last 3 days. It was a narrow street that took to your place. Planning to hold him back to talk, you grabbed his wrist and just gave him a look.

He understood what you wanted and he took your hand telling you to follow him. He took you to a little hill where there was a big swing where you two sat, under a big jacaranda tree.

You both sat there in silence for a while, just enjoying the moment, knowing it doesn’t come often.

Hoshi: What am I going to do with you, huh?

Y/N: What’s that supposed to mean? Am I insufferable? You hate me yet?

Hoshi: Is that what you were trying? To make me hate you?

Y/N: Of course not.

Hoshi: Be honest. What were you trying to do?

Y/N: Ummm, getting back at you for that kiss.

Hoshi: I see, I see. So if I gave you a real proper kiss, you would try to stab be whenever you see me?

You giggle and push your shoulder into his.

Y/N: Soonyoungie, come oon.

He starts acting cute, calling you Y/Nie and touching your nose with his finger.

You stare at each other one minute too much.

Hoshi: What are we doing?

Y/N: I don’t know. You just annoy me so much.

Hoshi: Am I?

You nod, smiling cutely.

Hoshi: I thought I was one of your favourite people.

Y/N: My God, Soonie, what made you think that?

Hoshi: Hmm, you calling me those cute nicknames, for example. We have been teasing each other for months. And I am pretty sure we have gotten close. You know, it’s like my friendship with Kwan. It’s a love-hate relationship.

Y/N: Friendship.

You repeat.

 You look up at the night sky. He puts his hand over your hand that is placed on the bench of the swing. He smiles. You get up, not looking at him.

Y/N: We should head to the cabin, we’re leaving early in the morning.

He gets up too and grabs your wrists, standing so close.

Hoshi: You wanted to talk but you are not saying anything. Why do you keep running away when we’re having a serious conversation?

Y/N: Serious about what?

Hoshi: Our feelings. Don’t act like a little brat now, you know what I’m talking about and I think you owe me some answers.

Y/N: It’s not like you had some answers for me.

Hoshi: Did I hear any questions and I refused to answer?

Y/N: I… guess not.

Hoshi: So then stop being a brat and ask me. I’ll answer.

Y/N: Don’t treat me like I’m a baby, I’m just one year younger than you!

He pouts and cups your face with both his hands.

Hoshi: I like it when you get feisty and angry. Now you say something you like about me.

Y/N: I like…your silly jokes nobody laughs at, but you. I secretly find them so funny but I keep my laughter inside.

Hoshi: Wow, that’s mean. I like how you lose yourself in thoughts, it feels like you’re thinking about 1000 things all at once.

Y/N: I like how you’re actually really soft on the inside, even when you scream like a loonatic to make people think you’re dangerous.

Hoshi: Hey, I am dangerous!

Y/N: Not in the way you think you are.

Hoshi: Oh? Then In what way?

He gets even closer this time, his hands now falling from your face.

Y/N: You know, I can’t seem to figure out if you’re trying to kiss me or kill me, since you had your hands cupping my face for the last 5 minutes.

Hoshi: First your answer, then mine.

Y/N: You’re dangerous in the way you make girls fall for you for being too cute. Should be illegal.

Hoshi: Oh?

Y/N: Your answer?

 But he doesn’t answer. His hands fall on your neck, his thumbs rubbing your cheeks lovingly. His nose touching yours, his plush lips hovering over yours. You can feel his warm body glued to yours. It’s like you can feel his heartbeat. Or is it yours?

You don’t want to close your eyes, you want to see him. Those eyes that tricked you into falling in love again. Why did it have to be him? Why not a complete stranger? A random guy you met at work, on tour, even a tourist, a friend of a friend.

You whisper over his lips: What are you doing?

Hoshi: I really really really want to kiss you right now.

He said it.

You won’t go for the kiss and it seems he’s delaying the moment. He might still be playing with you. He might not even like you like that.

So you pull away just when his lips slightly touched yours.

Y/N: I can’t.

He looked at you with sad eyes, trying to understand what he did wrong.

Hoshi: Did I mess it up?

Y/N: No, I just can’t and shouldn’t.

Hoshi: Will you tell me why? Apart from the reason I already know about the past and not trusting men anymore? I won’t be a jackass and say that I’m different. All I can tell you is that I like you. I can’t tell you what the future will bring, if we are good for each other or not. Shit, I am scared too. I’ve never felt like this and I have absolutely no idea how to manage everything I am feeling.

Y/N: Soonyoung. I am so scared about everything. I don’t want a failed relationship anymore. I just want to be THAT someone to somebody, you know, not someone who’s left aside just in case the grass is greener on the other side. I don’t wanna feel like a second choice. I want to be wanted, completely, loved.

Hoshi: I want to give all that to you if you’ll let me.

Y/N: I don’t think I can, I’m sorry. Please, just let me go to my room.

He lets go of you and watches you slowly get further and further away. He just stands there, eyes filling with tears ready to burn his cheeks. Should  just give up? Is this the Universe telling me we would not work together? Why do I feel such a strong pull towards her then? Man, this sucks. Now what?

[dreambunnynotes]

daily reflection: nov. 16th ❤︎

good morning lovely friends! here is what i accomplished and what i could have improved today, to hold myself accountable. it was really effective for me to know that i had posted my goals list on tumblr yesterday where others could see it; whenever i felt like giving in to my adhd brain that tells me that tasks are to be feared, i would simply remember that i had kind folks online who were interested in seeing me succeed hehe, it helped me so much! here is my first day ❤︎

accomplishments:

i completed all of my cleaning goals and more! it turned into a deeper clean than i thought it would be which felt really nice (and is usually how it goes once i get cleaning). it's so lovely to be able to start fresh with a clean working and sleeping space; it's so much easier to feel inspired, be productive, and take care of yourself when your environment is as ready for you as you are for it!

i wasn't going to complete all of my texting and calling tasks, BUT I DID! these types of tasks are the hardest for me to get done because i have pretty intense social anxiety and rejection sensitive dysphoria, and communicating with others both online and offline takes a lot of mental preparation and energy for me. but i did it, and i am so, so proud of myself! in fact...

self-compassion:

not only did i accomplish my original communication goals, i also ended up replying to two friends i hadn't seen in a long time, even though i was anxious! both of them were at my sister's show last night and i was so surprised to see them and a couple of other friends that i had to go have a bathroom cry from the anxiety lol. i had so many emotions coming up; the first was sadness and shame seeing that they had all come in a group together and that i wasn't with them. i joined them two seconds after i saw everyone, but the sadness was still there because i was positive they would have invited me into the group earlier if i had been less isolated this last year, which is where the guilt came in. i realized i had been isolating from my friends for so long out of fear that i wasn't wanted, didn't provide anything to them, and that maybe i didn't have people i liked being around after all, but that is so, so far from the truth; i do have friends who love me and who i love, and all of them were so loving, so kind, and actually sent me messages after the show telling me how much they loved me and how happy they were to see me! it made me cryyyy and feel so many feelings. i have plans to see them next week, and i actually feel like i'm overcoming my isolation era at long last; i'm really proud of myself for having self-compassion and using tools i've learned in therapy to better my life! :')

my next step is to learn more about and overcome this shame i have around letting my friends love me for who i am; the only way to learn more about it is to actually make plans to see friends and be vulnerable; wish me luck 😭💗

improvements to make:

as for my other tasks; i cleaned out one of my emails, but i have so many email accounts that it felt a little bit lacklustre to call that an accomplishment. today i'd like to break down how big the task of consolidating my digital life will actually be so that i can take measurable and consistent steps towards completing my goal (writing that sentence is baffling me right now - bunny from a few days ago never would have realized how much writing out her goals could help her in being less afraid of them! this feels like a huge accomplishment for my adhd brain!)

today felt like a really successful day, and i'm super proud of myself! this was only the beginning of what i actually want to accomplish in a day, but it was such a great way to try it out. i'm excited to see where this journey takes me and how these daily checklists and reflections will affect my productivity; they already have helped so much! if you've made it to the end of this, thank you for taking the time to read about my day, it means so much to me! lets try our best to have another successful day! ❤︎

[ask--eggman]

hey, im sorry if this is a sensitive topic but i cant stop thinking about it, do you recal your attempted suicide bombing in station square? do you recall what drove you to suicide? it must have been somthing awful if it pushed somone as brave and as strong as you to take your own life.. did anyone at all try to reach out? i doubt any of those so-called "herros" tryed to offer suport to somone undergoing sutch agony, again, you dont have to respond if you dont want to, but i truly want to know, and im shure the whole empire will suport you in whatever you were or are going through :)

I'm never one to lose hope and determination and give into defeat but that was just a time when it all got to me. I work so hard to accomplish my goals and put so much time, effort and passion into my plans but something comes along and ruins it, again and again. On that particular day, I'd finally reached my capacity for the disappointment, anger and stress. Not just for that day but for my entire lifetime.

Anyone else inferior and weaker than me would be broken down by failure much more often and much sooner, than the one time it pushed me too far. It wasn't really a conscious decision more than something that hit me in the spur of the moment. At first I just thought I'd at least blow Station Square up if nothing else. There would be some catharsis in that blue pest still not succeeding in saving their pathetic lives.

Oh but then of course the missile had to be a dud. Of course even that couldn't go right. So I just thought "Oh, fuck it all", and went to detonate it by hand. I knew I was going to die and I was going to happily take the whole city with me. Once I'd made my mind up, I felt happy, I had a blast trying to race Tails to that missile. I found myself begging for him to wait for me when he was ahead.

It was something to be determined to accomplish again, one I was sure nobody could ruin this time. One last glimmer of hope to succeed in something, one last thrill racing across the city in my Egg Mobile onward to destruction, then I'd be free from ever having to experience failure again. I'd go out having accomplished one part my plan of destroying Station Square, even if I didn't get to build the empire I always dreamed of.

I was tired of being the one who it all ended in destruction for, I wanted others to experience that devastation. For once, I wanted it to end with their destruction and my success and it seemed like the only way. But I obviously lost that race because here I am today. Well, that snapped me out of it and so I went back to trying to kill the little pest Tails who stopped me, since he's the one that actually deserves death really.

Nobody reached out to me and I didn't expect them to. They're used to breaking down everything I build and waiting for the next time I get back up to try to bring me down again and the cycle repeats. It's always just me alone to pick myself up and keep fighting in the end. But I don't need anyone else. I know if I keep at it, I'll succeed. So I try my hardest to fight to accomplish my dreams and not let my mind slip back into that place.

Anyway, enough about that.

The way I still came back from that and have only become stronger and more successful and determined over time just further proves my power! It's another of the many reasons why I deserve to have all of your support, admiration and praise and be your mighty emperor! So that's to be expected, you wouldn't have a choice either way, hehe~

[quaranmine]

How do you go about writing mysteries? Like how your firewatch one has its slow drip of discoveries and backstories and stuff. I keep getting totally lost, cuz I already know my endings, and keep forgetting the audience doesnt and shouldnt know the same. Mysteries are fun. They are also the hardest thing ive ever tried to write.

Honestly, mysteries are SO hard. I don't really know how to write them well either. And your ask honestly surprised me some, because up until this point I have never really considered my AU to succeed as a mystery. There is some legitimate mystery in the story (as to where Mumbo is) but, as it becomes clear in chapter 10 I think, most of the things about the Forest Service, Grian's conspiratorial thinking, and finding someone to blame are just set dressing. Or, to give myself more credit, more character study than reality. Something I've had written in the outline since day one is "Is this a mystery, or is Grian just convinced it's a mystery?" Half of the mystery in the story is finding out what actually happened, and half of the mystery is actually just a character study on Grian's grief and thought processes.

I going to put the rest under a cut, it gets kind of long. I can probably talk about my AU forever honestly. And if anyone reading this isn't caught up to at least chapter 10 this will spoil things:

But anyway. I think the best advice I have is to work backwards. You say you already know your ending so it seems like you're doing that already. I knew from the moment I started working on the story how it was going to end, so working backwards from that is a matter of arranging things to be in the places you want them. Having a complete outline also helps because that's what helped me create that "slow drip of discoveries and backstories" because I wanted to reveal things at a relatively steady pace. As for forgetting that your audience doesn't know things...idk I just try to focus super hard on what has/hasn't been revealed and where everybody's povs are. I think that just becomes a learned thing. I don't just know more than the audience, I know more than all the characters too, and I have to make sure they all operate on exactly what they currently know. I think rereading your already-done work as you go helps to refresh you on this.

Another hard thing about mysteries is like....trusting the audience to make connections. I think that I often overplay my hand and spell things out because I am inexperienced in knowing where to draw the line. For this AU, I didn't really intend it to have any big twist ending. I wanted the truth to be telegraphed as the audience uses their own logic to realize that Grian's POV is biased. And even though I haven't released chapter 11 and 12 yet, I....think I succeeded? Based on the difference in comments from chapter 1 to chapter 10, I think most of my readers are where I want them to be. But I didn't know that until I actually released the chapters. Anyway, I think the surprise is less about what the answer is and more about how it all goes down.

In terms of backstories, Firewatch AU has an almost parallel "before" section. There is never a "flashback" to before Mumbo disappeared. The first scene of the story is the ground zero and we never go before that. So the timeline of the story is always "contained" despite skipping around sometimes? Over the course of the fic I slowly introduce scenes that eventually lead us into exactly how Grian got here in the present-day plot. Pretty much all the "before" sections emphasize one way or another that Grian has been struggling.

I guess I can summarize my intentions with the chapters? There's a specific structure to them and their purpose (if I could help it.) Sometimes I feel like I have this story structured within an inch of its life, which is one reason that I have been able to post as I go without needing to make any retroactive changes to already done chapters.

Chapter one: establishes the central problem in the story, introduces the main characters to each other, and introduces Grian's goals. Honestly, I think this is a great first chapter since it introduces everything it needs to. It swaps time periods more than any other one but that is because I specifically modeled it to reflect the intro of the game Firewatch.

Chapter two: introduces fire as a major plot element, and serves as character development and relationship development between Scar and Grian. Also introduces more of Grian's grief, his thoughts about search and rescue, and specifically (vitally, to the plot) allows Scar see just a glimpse of what's happening with Grian that Grian isn't telling him.

Chapter three: mostly vital character development (especially for Scar) and relationship development; I've got to set them up as becoming friends before the big stuff kicks in. also, fire lookout knowledge!

Chapter four: first big clue (found by chance, not by Grian, which sort of emphasizes the idea of things being out of anyone's control that comes up in the narrative a lot.) Bigger spotlight on Grian's emotions (understatement of the year.) Scar gets officially looped into the Real Story. From this point on the plot progresses relatively regularly.

Chapter five: more character development, and another backstory hint about Scar. also, now that Scar is looped in, he gets to contribute information to the plot by bringing the newest clue (that builds off the information revealed in chapter four) (hey grian, it turns out when you communicate to people they can assist you)

Chapter six: this chapter is mostly a flashback section, which i wanted to avoid in chapters but IIRC it was simply too long to include with chapter five. This section with Pearl serves to emphasize a few different self-destructive tendencies Grian has (isolation, his living space, his financial situation, etc.) And finally, more information Scar gives him since he has contacts from working there so long. Also, from here on out Grian's conspiratorial thinking grows.

-> side note, one part of this story being a mystery that was difficult was that like. without internet research being available in the 80s, most "detective" actions would naturally involve talking to people, interviewing, looking at documents, etc. but since grian is Alone, in the middle of the Wilderness, he has none of that. it's, uh, difficult to introduce clues when the main character has little ability to find them. I had to sit down and be like, realistically HOW can he solve this without just wandering around in the woods endlessly? It's not a fun story if all he does is hike around the forest. In the game Firewatch, that sort of worked, but that's because you're controlling Henry. It doesn't translate well to reading. But with Grian entirely on his own, exploring the forest is the only "tool" he has. So Scar is a useful addition since he actually knows people to talk to that Grian doesn't and can move things forward by bringing more information to the table. But I have to proceed carefully to ensure he isn't just a deus ex machina for any hard parts of the plot. Scar talking to someone off-screen can't solve every problem in the story or else it's a bad story.

Chapter seven: some conflict/roadblocks introduced, because Scar cannot just endlessly poke around and find information without repercussions. also, the govt loooooves to make information available only to specific people. you can and will get slapped on the wrist if you consistently overstep the boundaries of your job. also, i need Grian to contribue his own piece to solving the mystery without Scar, so with his boots-on-the ground he finds the trail Mumbo took to get to from point A to point B. He gets a dangerous idea that will later escalate the plot closer to the climax, since we're officially in the second half of the story. There's a flashback that is purposefully the first part of the story so far to have someone outright state they think Mumbo is dead (and of course it's Jimmy.) Ends with more character development for Scar.

Chapter eight: WOOOO SCAR CHAPTER! but not before some egregiously obvious foreshadowing and a distinct reminder that this is a story about fire. i break from my deep character pov for the first time just to give the readers some scientific and historical background. we finally learn more about Scar, which should in theory retroactively piece together why he specifically wants to help Grian so much: because he sees his own experiences reflected in what Grian is living through now. also, since so much of this story is Grian isolating himself and pushing help away, it is vital for him to be shown someone else Does understand him

Chapter nine: beginning of the end pt 1 of 3. we re-center fire as a risk in the story again. grian commits a few crimes, because his main motivation this whole time has been information. and he simply can't get that information sitting in a tower by himself in the woods. he is desperate to find puzzle pieces to slot together so that everything makes sense. this is also the height of his conspiratorial thinking and there's a big disconnect between how he views other people, and their actual actions. I initially didn't want the story to "leave" its main setting, I wanted it to be a bottle. But that just didn't work in practice when plotting this out.

Chapter ten: beginning of the end pt 2 of 3, and we bring the flashback scenes full circle by including grian's decision to become a lookout in the same chapter we learns he gets fired. a somewhat anti-climactic reveal of there not being all that much conspirarcy to Mumbo's disappearance, in a way that hopefully is not disappointing since hopefully everyone reading realizes Why grian was convinced of this and Why he's wrong. woooo fire again! the return of the mystical bike location that was introduced early in the plot! grian finally being forced to reckon with things he's been avoiding thinking about all story! a fallout between our beloved main characters at the 11th hour!

Chapter eleven and twelve: ???? coming soon but you can guarantee they'll deal with the loose ends here since this story is standalone in its plot

So, idk if that type of analytical breakdown is useful to you. But you can kind of see how my plot was guided by the constraints on my narrative--a lot of my choices involved either needing different characters to help grian, or needing grian to go somewhere else. but i constantly wanted to make sure that it made sense for Scar to help Grian, that Scar never overstepped his place in the narrative by being "all-knowing", and that all of Grian's decisions are driven, even to the point of Problems, by his grief. Also, to kickstart the plot, I needed at least one major shake-up to happen (in this story, finding the bike) or else Grian probably would have been just as doomed as everyone else to look in the wrong places. Since it's more or less a cold case, a breakthrough needed to happen to move things forward. So I suppose what I needed was: first, to know the ending I needed to get to; second, to know where I was starting; and third, to provide at least one major clue to give the characters an opportunity to unravel the rest.

Also, this is less about mysteries and more about characterization, but when writing Grian I put Mumbo at the highest priority in all situations. This means he is willing to tank his financial situation, his jobs, his relationships with his friends, and even commit crimes for Mumbo. He consistently does not consider his own future when making decisions. He's reactive and more than willing to take things to the extreme, which I think makes him honestly more fun to write about. I think his Drive pushes the story even when there's just dialogue sitting in a fire tower. One thing I never wanted to do in this story was soften characters' emotions or actions into something "easier."

anyway, this is a story about trying to find logic in places where there is none, coping badly and learning to cope, accepting support from others, grief, and finding closure <333 thank you for your ask it was very sweet to be asked for advice and hopefully SOMETHING in this essay helps <333

[imruination]

I get what you are trying to say but Darkling did not love Alina. He loved her power. He saw not value in her as her own person. Yes, the Darkling and Alina’s dynamic is complicated but it’s not supposed to be seem as a “romantic undertone” is abuse, is gaslighting, is a man using his power on a vulnerable teenager. The OP was asking the right questions. That phase should NOT be romanticized because it’s pure evil and disgusting. It should not be interpreted as “grey”. Abuse is abuse. There’s not layers to consider, especially coming from the darkling. This is a years old being that has mastered the arts of manipulation, not a teenager or a simple person.

** TW ABUSE**

Hi nonny. Not gonna lie, the first thing I did when I read this ask was laugh because I spend every day trashing the darkling as a person, and suddenly I’m defending him? What is happening? It’s much more complicated then that though. I’m gonna link you to this post if you’re interested because I think it’s very relevant.

I want to start this off by saying that if I say something that comes across as controversial, I am speaking from my own personal experience with abuse in real life, and not because I think the darkling is an innocent baby.

I mentioned liking the romantic undertone of d/arklina in the books BECAUSE it was very problematic. One of my favorite themes in Shadow and Bone is power and corruption. If Mal represents Alina’s old life, and her tether to humanity, then the Darkling is the opposite. He is immortality and unlimited power no matter the cost. It’s a complete disconnect from the average human population, from little poor orphan girls. I like that the darkling manipulates her, and attempts to seduce her because that’s what power does. Absolute power corrupts absolutely. It tricks you into wanting more and more until you’ve crossed a line that you weren’t even aware was there.

I personally don’t believe in the idea of “pure evil” in real life, and by extension realistic characters. I think ideals can be evil. Behaviors can be evil. I do not believe humans are born evil, and whatever behaviors they are exhibiting are likely something they have learnt from the world around them. Does that make the behavior okay? Of course not. They are still a person though.

In real life I completely understand why it would be comforting to view something like abuse as very black and white, and it’s really not my business how someone deals with something that traumatized them. For myself though, one of the hardest lessons I’ve had to learn in my life is that abusers aren’t evil, they’re just people. If there are no layers, and the abuser is just inherently a bad person, I am not holding them accountable for all of the choices they have repeatedly made.

I have to disagree, I think the Darkling did love Alina. I believe he yearned for nothing more than an equal and a companion. The hero to his monster, without which neither could be complete. But what he was yearning for was a lie.

I like Baghra’s quote on this being “Know that I loved you, know that it wasn’t enough.” She learned how to love from a toxic family, and a toxic environment towards all people like her. Aleksander learned to love from Baghra. You can love someone and still abuse them. You can love someone and try an control them. You can love someone and choose power over them.

It’s all very ironic. Love can be toxic and all consuming to an unhealthy degree, and that’s the very thing that lead to the Darkling’s downfall. I don’t see this as romanticizing abuse (again from someone who’s been through it). Real people are grey. He should have wants and goals and feelings as a character, that doesn’t mean he’s even redeemable. It’s tragic.

The darkling wasn’t able to stop the cycle of generational trauma and violence. He was once a young boy who wanted love and equality. He grew into a centuries old man who abused those around him to meet his goals. He perpetuated violence.

But who does succeed in breaking that cycle? Alina. Like it or not, the entire point is that she could eventually grow into the mirror image of the Darkling. It’s all about individual choices. She does not have to return the darkling’s love and team up with him just to make herself look brighter. She does not have to risk it all for power. She does not have to throw every part of that little orphan girl away until she’s unrecognizable. But she so easily could. And that’s terrifying.

Mercy is at the end of the day, Alina’s true super power. She does see that scared little boy inside of Aleksander, and that’s a good thing!!! Not so she can be in love with him and live behind some white picket fence, but so she won’t repeat his mistakes. She sees the darkling as a human just like everyone else. If she didn’t, I think that might be very bad for everyone.

[fairy-switchblade]

Another life update (quick but sad, tw: breakups, intrusive thoughts, su*c*dal ideation, and academic anxiety)

A note to those who are reading this who are worried, do not call the police, I am safe, those around me are safe, I have made no active plans. Thank you for looking out for others. Sorry for giving you a heart attack.

Now that’s out of the way. I went through a breakup recently, and I am single again. Since I’ve mentioned my butch a couple of times on this blog, it felt off not to say anything. However this happened a couple of weeks ago, I wanted to give myself a grace period to process everything.

The combined stressors of that happening, plus getting started on writing my masters dissertation, plus looking into PhD options and trying to access a pathway to study at Oxford (which I am fully aware is going to be a Goliath of a task despite my academic record, my area of interest is interdisciplinary and niche as all hell, also money) has lead to a mental health maelstrom.

I deal with intrusive thoughts on a daily basis. I also really struggle with having a healthy relationship with academics. My mindset since I decided to pursue this PhD has been “I must do this exact topic, and I must do it at Oxford, and I must do it in my 20s. If I do not manage to do this, I will commit su*c*de.” I quite literally can’t not succeed at this, life without it is a gaping void. I wish I was exaggerating. And it’s horrible, y’know, cause academia can be wonderful and exciting, and I love and am excited by what I study. The problem is that I love it so much, it kind of hurts. And if I can’t have it, I don’t know how I’m going to keep going, genuinely. That scares the hell out of me.

I wish I didn’t feel so much. I wish I didn’t always have to take things to extremes. I wish I wasn’t so intense. I wish I wasn’t always such an ‘all or nothing’ person. I wish I understood so many things. I wish I understood why I don’t feel good enough. I wish I understood why I can’t just try hard, I have to try my very hardest, at everything. And I wish I understood why when that fails, it feels like a kind of death. I wish I wasn’t as lonely. I wish that had less to do with being femme for me that it actually does. And it does, because performative femininity is just another thing I have to do perfectly. Whatever that means.

I’m sharing all of this not just because I’m an over-sharer generally, but because I have a gut feeling that someone else is also feel kind of ‘Betty Friedan’ this evening, and needs a mirror. And a hug. Please? I really need a hug.

[wishbonewitch]

self reflection prompts

Who am I, really?

if you could tell the person who hurt you the most anything, what would you say?

What worries me most about the future?

If this were the last day of my life, how would I choose to spend it?

What am I really scared of?

Am I holding on to something I need to let go of? If not now, then when?

What matters most in my life?

What am I doing about the things that matter most in my life?

Why do I matter?

Have I done anything lately that’s worth remembering?

Have I made someone smile ?

What have I given up on?

When did I last push the boundaries of my comfort zone?

If I had to instill one piece of advice in a newborn baby, what advice would I give?

What small act of kindness was I once shown that I will never forget?

How will I live, knowing I will die?

What do I need to change about myself?

Is it more important to love or be loved?

How many of my friends would I trust with my life?

Who has had the greatest impact on my life?

Would I break the law to save a loved one?

Would I steal to feed a starving child?

How will I react if the most important being in my life die?

What do I want most in life?

What is life asking of me?

Which is worse: failing or never trying? Why?

If I try to fail and succeed, what have I done?

What’s the one thing I’d like others to remember about me at the end of my life?

Does it really matter what others think about me?

To what degree have I actually controlled the course of my life?

When all is said and done, what will I have lived my life fully as I am now?

Am I using my time wisely?

Am I taking anything for granted?

Am I living true to myself?

Am I waking up in the morning ready to take on the day?

Am I thinking negative thoughts before I fall asleep?

Am I putting enough effort into my relationships?

Am I being a good partner? How can I improve?

Am I taking care of myself physically?

Am I letting matters that are out of my control stress me out?

Am I achieving the goals that I’ve set for myself?

My favorite way to spend the day is . . .

write a letter for your child/teenage/future selves.

Write a letter to your future children.

The two moments I’ll never forget in my life are . . .(Describe them in great detail, and what makes them so unforgettable.)

Make a list of 30 things that make you smile.

Write about a moment experienced outside your body. Leave out thought and emotion, and let all information be conveyed through the body and senses.

The words I’d like to live by are . . . do you truly live by them?

I couldn’t imagine living without . . .

When I’m in pain—physical or emotional—the kindest thing I can do for myself is . . .

when I’m in emotional pain, the hardest parts to deal with are . . .

Make a list of the people in your life who genuinely support you, and whom you can genuinely trust. Then, write them letters

make a list of the people who’ve hurt you most and write them letters too.

What does unconditional love look like for you?

I really wish others knew this about me . . .

Name what is enough for you.

If my body could talk, it would say . . .

What do you love about life?

What always brings tears to your eyes?

Write about a time when your work felt real, necessary and satisfying to you, whether the work was paid or unpaid, professional or domestic, physical or mental.

Write about your first love—whether it’s a person, place or thing.

Using 10 words, describe yourself.

What’s surprised you the most about your life or life in general?

What can you learn from your biggest mistakes?

Write a list of questions to which you urgently need answers.

Make a list of everything that inspires you—whether books, websites, quotes, people, paintings, stores, or stars in the sky.

What’s one topic you need to learn more about to help you live a more fulfilling life? (Then, follow through and learn more about that topic.)

I feel happiest in my skin when . . .

Make a list of everything you’d like to say no to.

Make a list of everything you’d like to say yes to.

Write the words you need to hear.

I do my best when . . .

I struggle when . . .

I am comfortable when . . .

I feel stress when . . .

I am courageous when . . .

One of the most important things I learned was . . .

One of my favorite memories is . . .

My toughest decisions involve . . .

Being myself is hard because . . .

I can be myself when . . .

I wish I were more . . .

I wish I could . . .

I wish I would regularly . . .

I wish I had . . .

I wish I knew . . .

I wish I felt . . .

I wish I saw . . .

I wish I thought . . .

Life should be about . . .

I am going to make my life about . . .

I hate . . .

I love . . . 

One way to incorporate witchcraft into my daily life is . . .

I feel calm when . . .

I feel defeated when . . . 

I feel enraged when . . . 

I am worthy of . . .

I am skilled at . . .

I am . . . 

[dragonoftheunderground]

Guys (gn), if KOSA passes I'll probably be gone from Tumblr. If you see me online, I'll likely be PurpleDragon, dragonoftheunderground, or Firethorn. Just ask the shoelace thing. If I pass, confirm it's my blog and not another user.

But I don't want to leave, so if it's not too late when you see this (or even if it is), send KOSA back to whatever hell it came from.

If you want advice for this crisis, here's some: Get Tor browser. It's slow because it's proxied, but it'll give you freedom. Also try ham radio or meshtastic. Break away from Big Tech. Don't give them power too. And don't give up.

Protest. A lot. Imposing restrictions like these are part of the road to genocide. They're trying to destroy the pride community, and there should be nobody who lets that stand.

Never forget Nex Benedict. Ever. Remember what's at stake. Remember why we're fighting this bill. These atrocities.

Recognize the threat to the first amendment, derived from censorship (which is both against freedom of speech and of the press) and restricting access to the viewing of people's free expression (is it really free speech if nobody can see it?).

And in the wise words of Cave Johnson, "When life gives you lemons, don’t make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don’t want your damn lemons, what the hell am I supposed to do with these? Demand to see life’s manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give [the pride community] lemons! Do you know who I am? I’m the [group] who’s gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I’m gonna get my [members] to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!"

For the pride community (LGBA+ (orientations), trans people, enbies and queers, and allies): No matter what happens, I support you and respect you. Some of you have done braver things than I ever will. Others have sustained abuse that I can't even imagine.

But at the end of the day, we're all people. All of us. I don't know why some people can't see that. So please, don't you dare give up. We've come so far. The last part of the climb is the hardest, but if we can make it through we can succeed.

They say we have an agenda, a plan, a mission, a plot. They're not completely wrong. We do have a goal. To get everyone, regardless of gender, politics, sex, orientation, or anything else, to be recognized as a human. Not a demon. Not a monster. A human.

So stand together. Fight back. Never. Give. Up. We are the change this world needs. Some may not see it yet, but we are. No matter what. Even if we fail at first, true failure only comes when we stop trying. There will always be more of us. People will be born for as long as our species lives. And as long as our species lives, the pride community will carry on.

And I have proof, because we have lived though harder times. Through history. In the wreckage of Pompeii, a volcanic eruption hundreds of years ago, two men were found in the same bed. They were likely gay. In Shakespeare's Macbeth, from back in the Renaissance, Macbeth literally experiences disphoria. Even Romeo and Juliet has an unintentional reference to bigender people (I think that's the right term).

We are so close to checkmate. Don't. stop. now.

And tag everyone you know. Spread the word.

@bettinalevyisdetermined@itsapmseymour@pmseymourva@badjokesbyjeff@the-one-and-only-duckduckgo@firefox-official@one-time-i-dreamt@pointless-achievements@writing-prompt-s@singular-ghost-sound@your-local-non-binary-friend

[funkymbtifiction]

Hi Charity, thank you for your last answer. I really appreciate it :)

I've recently handed in my resignation. I do love working as a sales rep. It's a good experience with nice pay but it won't get me anywhere I need to. The thing is, I just don't know what I need to do now. My plan is to move to US. Everything in my dream is tied to that land. Thing is, I don't have a degree and work experience enough to make it happen. So I have only one choice - studying in a course, find a job then grow my network so I can find a way to move to US. The thing is, studying in a course means I need a LOT of money. I don't know if I can even afford that. But if I don't get a diploma or new degree, I can't find a job (that provides money, so the vicious cycle continues). 

Suddenly, I feel the urge to abandon this vision. I genuinely feel like it's all not worth it. All the efforts ruined. I shouldn't have been so impulsive and handed in my resignation. I shouldn't indulge myself and got into that useless major simply because I liked it. If I will ever going to get back on the right track, I need to turn about 360 degree and build everything up from zero. I think it's too late now. I genuinely feel no one believes in me. My family turned their back on me. My friends ... well, they don't exist unless I can give something to them. So I thought 'well, if nobody thinks I can amount to anything. I'll just party all day, eat like there is no tomorrow and drink til I drop dead'.

I still manage to rein myself in a little, but I feel like nothing will ever turn out well. That I simply am not good enough for this dream, no matter how much I improve. I used to think 'I will try my hardest for the people I'll meet in the future'. At this moment, I feel like it'll never come true. I know it in my gut, I need to be more active - seeking opportunities, networking, learn more, improve myself and mindset. But it all feels not worth the effort.

Should I just accept it that I maneuver myself into a dead end and live 'realistically'? Or should I keep dreaming and try my best, even if I feel like it's so far away and out of reach?

I think only a few people are destined for success. For others, no matter how they try, they can't succeed. It is written in the star and sealed by the wind and earth. Maybe I might have been destined this way. To have a dream cruelly ripped away from me and I can't do anything to change it. I want to make it happen. I want to improve, but the weight of impossibility (real or imagined) drowns me.

I'm sorry for a very depressive tone in this ask. Thank you if you get around to answer this post.

--------

It's always hard to know whether to give up on a dream or keep fighting for it -- some people fight their entire lives and never get what they want and others make it happen through sheer force of will and resourcefulness. Whether you should fight for this is something only you can decide, but I can tell you that getting what you want is directly tied to how hard you are willing to work for it, what you are willing to give up to have it, and how much your desire for it drives and reinforces your decisions (plus things like good luck, knowing the right people to get your foot in the door, and persistence). A large part of success is simply showing up and working at it daily.

There's also something else to consider -- a different dream. Often we can lock ourselves into a dream version of ourselves, and ignore what's right in front of us, or an opportunity -- another door that we could walk through into a different life, if we are willing to stop looking forward and look around instead. There's something to be said for SP types who live in the now -- they are always searching for something to enrich today, this moment, this week. What if you tried other things? Other jobs? Met other people? Where might that lead you? It's not all or none, although some people tend to think that way -- if I can't have this, I won't have anything, I may as well give up. What if THIS isn't what is best for you, and it's THAT instead? What if THIS wouldn't make you as happy as you think, but THAT would? What if you woke up each day in search of meaning or wonder?

If you regret handing in your notice... can you get your job back? Or is this the nudge you need to find something more challenging? What if you thought about the best life you could have where you are now, or somewhere closer than the US? Broaden your thinking. Make room for the unexpected. Mourn what you feel you have lost, and then set realistic expectations for yourself in the next six months. What is something you can do that is manageable that will either take you into a new phase of your life or head you toward what you want?

Everyone (including me) has had these woe is me moments. If I can't be a best-selling novelist, I may as well give up! No, you can write books because you love it, and be content with a smaller life, because you are not willing to do what's required to BECOME that novelist. (Be a "look at me" self-promoting author -- do interviews, walk in places, talk people into buying my book, sell them aggressively, go places to meet people and make connections. I am not willing to do that, so I must settle. No excuses her, just the facts: I don't want it bad enough to inconvenience myself out of my comfort zone.)

What are you willing to do to get what you want?

[alllinesarebeautiful]

Day 432 Art meditation, 10/10/24, 'Sunflower Colors, Tree Ring Heart Art, 2nd Variation'

Dear You,

My favorite part of my art process is to print out the new art that I am starting to like, and lay it on one of my desks in the sun. When the sun hits the pages through my gauzy curtains with transparent dahlia shapes in the cotton, I feel a kind of magic happening. It’s a good starting point to Feel, stop analyzing, and propels me into my heart-space.  

This art is using the Sunflower colors of one of the tree ring logos / heart art centerpieces. 

I’m pretending this is a book, and I am turning a page, continuing the theme I was writing about on Day 431 art mediation, when I first arrived at my parents’ house in Lancaster on vacation. I wrote about people from my hometown “pitying me”, because they know the key points to my All-lines journey, and somehow only look at the hard parts. 

I thought about how it’s their version of loving me, but really loving me would be to actually support my All-lines world - buy from my store, tell all your friends - , because it has become the beautiful part of my journey that no one handed to me, or guided me to do. I had the courage to listen to my intuition, one step at a time. 

I understand that it’s complicated to support anything new, and I also understand it’s difficult to support someone (self esteem wise) who technically should not have a voice or any kind of public presence. No one out there has approved me, I don’t fit on LinkedIn anymore, I’m old now, and I am still potentially accused of being narcissistic, which is really going to be the hardest thing for me to explain. But maybe I won’t explain, I’ll just blossom.

But that’s not what I wanted to write about. 

I wanted to point out a Key lesson:

If I am saying “people are pitying me”, it is because I am pitying myself. 

It is a reflection. 

I am aware now that I go into old patterns/victim/pity mode when my body hurts from exhaustion, or when I am back with my family with all the old patterns. It’s much harder for me to hold onto my heart-space when I am there … In fact, I had to sneak any writing and art in.  

It was great that it only took me 24 hours to understand the reflection bit. That’s the inner honesty that if we could all do it, the world would be different. It was the smallest of inner shift moments, it didn’t come from a conversation…  

I’ve had my sister argue with me about this, “So, what BS, all the bad things out in the world are somehow reflections of them?” No, and Yes.

NO:  ‘Stay in your lane’, my excellent life coach used to clip my thinking. The ONLY person who can FEEL that inner shift of Awareness-recognition-understanding, is the person who is having the shift. The minute we try to intellectually understand how that inner idea “doesn’t work, because of a, b or c”, is the minute we are in our ego-spaces, not our hearts. This is what following your Heart means. It is more of an Opening inwardly, not just an answer, and then hurling yourself out there with that answer FOR everyone else.

And YES: if every person were completely honest about their inner beliefs, how we act on those beliefs, and then go out and create ugly laws and general havoc-war-violence-separation, and SHIFT our beliefs, the world COULD be different. So, YES, everything is a reflection.

On my trip a most unexpected inner shift happened to me.

I no longer need my family or friends or more people to SEE me for everything that I do with All-lines-are-beautiful. (Yes, I still deserve love and belonging, which is different, and I’m working on the behavioral effect of trauma of me doing everything by myself and never needing any real support.) For years I have decided to feel sad, or lack, or “the-reason-will-never-succeed-so-why-bother”, because I compare myself to other families and friends who are directly supportive of the dreams of the artist in their life.

This trip, I felt FULFILLED. I understand that my family loves me, they don’t know HOW to love all of me, but their love is enough. 

It’s enough because I know how to give myself what I need now. I’m at a new level of healing. There isn’t a leak any more in me, which just makes me that much more compassionate for all the humans who are functioning with a perpetual inner leak. 

I have spent the last 10 years “seeing” myself, creating what is meaningful to me with All-lines. I filled up my Heart with my art and writing, and now I feel so peaceful. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this kind of peace. Or I did, but only for short moments. Now finally I can just BE in Lancaster and soak in the LOVE. Which made for a totally different kind of vacation with my family.

In fact, it was hard to leave. But now I have two true homes, and that’s a blessing.

Imagine how much more full I will be when they connect emotionally with my art and writing. Emotional connection is the only thing I’m ever looking for, but first, I have had to give it to myself. If I am able to write and design my art memoir in a way that they EMOTIONALLY connect with it, then I will have succeeded. It’s not about getting their permission, or approval, it’s the true-heart-connection.

I have come to the conclusion that the best way to describe me is,

I am a sunflower.  

Which is why I wrote a new bio: 

“I am a Sunflower. I write, make heart art, paper sculptures, paper dresses, art videos. To support me, check out my store ❤️. Art, Soulfully 🖼.”

My deepest wish is that we all blossom, in our own way, with one piece of Awareness at a time, we change the world … 

Which leads me to my next art meditation Day 433: My parents are opening up.

Lots of love,

Anne

◎

#love #sunflower #bloom #blooming #treering #graphicdesign #graphicdesigner #alllinesarebeautiful #artsoulfully #artdrop #design #heartliving #heartartbundles #heartart #art #love #artexpandshearts #light #bethelight #authentic #expandlove #soulfulliving #bethechangeyouwanttosee #heart #heartspace #color  

◎

Ⓒ 2024 Anne Hunsicker | All Lines Are Beautiful. All rights reserved.

[siegecoffeemug]

When you came into my life I gave you everything I had.

Now you're gone, it feels like it's been lost into the ether and it shall never return. Like I'm only 40 odd percent complete.

Have tried really hard today. Have been given a lot of advice. And without being an arsehole or unappreciative, I know most of it. It's not that I'm not interested in the advice, in fairness i know most of it already, fuck me, I've looked. It's that I just want someone to ask me how I'm doing rather than stepping on eggshells to avoid my waterworks.

I know that time is the only measure of how I'm doing. I know everything is still raw. Yes, it's 6 weeks in, on paper absolutely I should be doing better. But it still feels like yesterday. Still, everything reminds me of you. Any inkling of enjoyment or happiness is shut down immediately when realising that it will never quite be as good as if I were sharing these moments with you.

I'm constantly reminded of you sweetheart.

I can't listen to Rudimentary Peni any more.

I can't look at that jacket you said you liked me in without crying.

I have socks that you bought me that now make me sad.

Today, I still couldn't bring myself to 'unfollow' you on Instagram. Talking about this stuff like it's a big deal makes me mad in itself, but nevertheless, to do so would make me feel like I am rejecting you or something, and I would never, ever turn my back on you. So I just uninstalled the app. Fuck it.

I hate myself for doing it. It makes me feel like a traitor to you as I can no longer cheer you on. I will always want you to succeed and I will always be proud of you, even if I am forced to do it from a distance.

But I know that it isn't helping me, and for now, It'll have to be a concession to me trying to get better. I just know that dulling this love for you to the extent it doesnt claw at my stomach for 90% of the day will be the hardest task I've ever faced.

As it never dulls. It still burns brighter by the day, because you touched my life in so many ways and I will always love you unconditionally for that alone.

But I'm trying to get better, or at worst, learn to live with this pain more manageably.

Sweet dreams gorgeous. I hope I crossed your mind today and somehow made you smile. That would be enough for me at the moment. I hope I made you happy.

I love you so much x

[smalls25]

WTF is my life?

I want to record my success, so let me start this off by saying that I have no idea how Tumblr works and that this is not meant to be a vent or rant. Just a little introduction to myself Hi, my name is Smalls (not really, but for reasons of anonymity and privacy, that's what I go by). I am sixteen years old. I suffer from dyslexia, OCD, attention deficit disorder (ADD), a sensory processing disorder, and I am on the autism spectrum. For a significant part of my life, I struggled with mental health issues. I have been a victim of domestic, sexual, and emotional abuse. Phrases like "it's better to be wrong than to get hit by someone you love' 'were spoken to me as a very impressionable little girl. And it has taken me years to learn how wrong those words were. I was on psychiatric medication from the ages of eleven to fourteen. I was homeschooled up until 7th grade. I would sneak out, drink, do drugs, and get into fights while hanging out with a bad group of friends. During that time in my life, I watched one of the friends in that group overdose and take his last breath in front of me, and another one of these friends died later that month. My grades tanked that year, and the school I was at did not want me back. I was then put in a sped program at another school because of my terrible grades. At this point, I had no friends or anybody. I had isolated myself to the point of acting out, as everyone put it. I was then expelled. And then I started homeschooling once again, and I got my grade back up. I joined the civil air patrol shortly after getting expelled, and I can honestly say that I would probably not be alive if it were not for some of the cadet leaders I have met and grown to care about in my home squadron. They showed me I could get better. They could only show me they could not do it for me; the rest was up to me, and I am trying my hardest to make them proud, so now you have a synopsis of my life. What do I hope to succeed at in the future? I hope that I can finish high school early, get my private pilot's license, and get into an engineering program at a good university. Those are my goals, and I want to document every one of my milestones for them.

[oathofpromises]

"Y'know... I sorta really liked Froth an' Foam as it was..."

Meiko and the others had witnessed Y'shtola twirl around, her voice pitch rising to that of a child. Y'shtola's ears slowly drooped; she had not wanted anyone to see that childish incantation, but here they were . The black mage was mentally reprimanding herself for having devised such an absurd method to call upon the nixies. To be fair to herself, though, she had written the summoning spell back when she was a young child. However, she had a image to uphold even among her fellow scions, and all that did not prevent her body from slouching in disdain at how ridiculous the conclusion of the creation ritual was.

"Oh? Are you perhaps volunteering to join the nixies next time? I'm sure they would love the company," stated Y'shtola as she crossed her arms. Unlike the others who had made fun of her, Meiko's words didn't mock Y'shtola. However Y'shtola was simply unaccustomed to jokes or lightheartedness. Throughout her life, her training had focused solely on her education, which wasn't inherently bad, but it hindered her ability to appreciate the humor in jokes or understand the sincerity of genuine compliments.

A sigh came out of the woman's mouth as she reached up and brushed some of her hair away from her face. As a result of having to humiliate herself to such an extent, it was difficult for her to keep her usual calm and collected composure. With one hand on her hip, the black mage struggled to find the right words.

"I know you're being nice, but I'll never forget how childish that summoning ritual is. For weeks afterward, the others wouldn't stop talking about it. Back then, I was still very much a child at heart, doing my best to concentrate on my studies. You can imagine how strict Matoya could be in regards to my studies as a student at the time. I am grateful to her; a part of me knows that without her guidance, I would not have gotten this far. Don't tell her I said that."

The image of a child spinning around before calling upon the nixies caused the black mage to close her eyes and find a glimpse of a smile forming across her face. She was so proud of herself at the time for accomplishing such a feat, but Matoya had been a little harsh with her feedback. Maybe that was why Y'shtola despised the spell so much—it was too innocent, she said. The fact that it was a constant reminder of how her proud accomplishment was dragged into the mud in an instant.

Maybe it was partly her pride—the fact that so many people relied on her for information, yet the one thing she worked hardest for seemed so close yet so far away. The black mage sat down, and with a shake of her head, she proceeded to pour some tea for both herself and Meiko. It was rare that the two got to talk like this, and here she was messing it up.

"Although I believe the spell to be childish, the younger version of myself can't help but smile when I hear your words. It would be the first time anyone thought it was cute." Y'shtola said softly, lifting the cup of tea to her lips. It was rare for the black mage to hear such kind words, and the warmth that filled her chest slightly was so new to her.

Thinking back on it, for many years, the black mage had made every effort to succeed. Having focused so much on becoming strong lead to her missing out on many childhood experiences. Did she actually have any regular friends that weren't summonings? It's possible that this was the reason why she felt such a strong connection to the scions at this point. Every single one of them had remained, despite the fact that most others had left or would.

Y'shtola was also aware that she was not the kind of person that other people would consider to be a fun person to be around. Her dry sense of humor was not the best, which frequently led to people perceiving her as an arrogant know-it-all. She was trying, and here Meiko was being sweet to her when the black mage had all but mentioaned turning her small like the nixies.

[xfrancecis]

I don’t know if it’s because of the circumstances that have been given to me or if it’s just me. But I don’t know how to explain my feelings anymore. All I can do is keep it to myself. If I try to explain it, my thoughts just jumble up and all that comes out is anger. I don’t know what’s going on anymore. I might be jumping to conclusion or maybe im just self diagnosing myself but I might be depressed. Im unhappy about my life, I feel like im not moving and im stagnant. Im unhappy about my self, my physique, my diet, my routines, and the relationships that I have.

I’ll start backwards and maybe I can try to understand myself and even explain it to someone if I can.

The friends I have are great, and I would not trade them for the world. But that’s just it. I feel like my friends are actually hindering me. I feel like we make plans to travel or have fun but after all is said and done I’m stuck in a rut. I spend the money that I work for to have fun with them. And I don’t believe that there is anything wrong with that but I maybe want to move myself forward and use that money for investments or just to move myself ahead. My marriage, is amazing as is as well but I don’t think my wife and I have the same mindset. I feel like all she wants is to have fun and self gratify with materialistic stuff. And same thing. And now i feel like it makes me look bad because all that it seems like is that I just want money. But I just want to succeed in life so bad that it hurts. I just want to move up but I just feel like I have soo many baggage’s holding me back.

Now before I move on I just want to say that it might not seem like I’m grateful for my friends and the people I surround myself with but I am. Everything in my life, everyone that surrounds me, I have MAD love for. It might be hard to believe from the last things I said but that’s just the hard part. Listening to podcast, YouTube videos and reading, all anyone successful says is that they love from afar. And that the climb to the top is hard and lonely. It sucks because I want to be able to climb with everyone but it’s just so hard. It’s hard to disciple myself.

That brings me to the next part. Discipline. My routines in life is just so boring. I know that’s what is the biggest part of success is planning and having a set routine. But I want to live my life to the fullest and enjoy and have fun. Travel the world, experience new things and go on adventures. It’s so hard to discipline myself to stop thinking that way. I need to rewire my mind to delay gratification. This is just a temporary stop, to get the things I want to achieve. I need a job to fuel my future. I need the money to invest into the things that will make me rich in the long run. I’m going to be a millionaire and I will make it happen for me. But I need the discipline because I just can’t get rich without hard work. I need a routine to change my mind, to keep me motivated and to keep me moving forward.

Now the next part is easy to explain and the diet and physique go hand in hand. I’m a big believer in whatever I in jest, be it, food or words. I’m going to suffer or gain the consequences. Soo if I take in bad food obviously I’m going to be feeling terrible about it. So I know I need to do better with my diet but food is just to good. Discipline. Again with this word because this is the only way I’m going to be able to diet and work on my physique. I need a daily routine that’s going to help me do better. Mind and body. My physique will get to where I want it to be with my diet and discipline to go to the gym.

Now the hardest topic. Myself. I don’t really know how to explain this because this is so vague and so everywhere. This might be the longest part of this whole explanation. Again, and I can’t stress this enough. I’m VERY grateful at all the cards that I have been dealt and everything that has gotten me to this place in life. And I’m not whatsoever complaining about my life. More so, just disappointed and impatient.

I’m such and impatient person. I just want everything NOW. I want the success that my future self has. And I know it might seem like preconceived notions that I’m saying but I believe in myself so much that I know that the success I want now, I have in the future. I just need to work diligently to get to the point and follow the footsteps that I imprinted on the sand. I need to stop and reevaluate my life because I know that I need to enjoy the journey. I’m disappointed in my finances because I know I could do better. I’m disappointed in my place in life. ( I will probably have another post about how proud of myself I am *might seem conceded, but it’s not like that* )

I don’t care at all about status or my title in my job but the disappointment comes from the success that I don’t have yet. I’m not comparing myself or my journey with anyone else but myself. I’m my biggest motivator but also my biggest rival. I feel like I don’t understand that or anyone understands that for the matter. I’m 25 years olds turning 26 in the next couple of months and when I was younger i felt I would be more stable and actually know the path I’m going. But I’m lost. I don’t know what I’m doing at all and honestly it’s a little scary. It’s stressful and I just don’t know. All I know is that I have faith in my self and I can lead myself to the destination that’s meant for me. I’m disappointed in my intrusive thoughts. The best way to explain that is when I doubt myself. Maybe I just feel like this during curtain points in my life but at the moment that’s the feeling. I feel like everyone is going through this and it’s not just me. I like the control of where my life is headed but sometimes I also feel like I’m not controlling it at all. That’s the bad part of life, but the also the most amazing thing about life. It’s sooo unexpected and anything can happen at any given time. Now after reaching to this point I honestly feel a lot better. Maybe this is all I needed just to rant about myself and my insecurities.

I don’t think I’m depressed or unhappy. From just speaking to myself I think I’m just anxious. Im anxious about the future and what it holds. But I’m going to just take it one day at a time. Im going to plan my days, plan my weeks and months to propel my self forward from this rut. Im going to start doing things to help me move forward and be “happy”.

I’m committed to myself. I’m going to grow to be the best person I can be in all faucets of life. Financially, spirituality, emotionally and most important mentally. I’m going to invest in myself. I won’t mentally hurt myself, or let anyone hurt my bubble. Im going to start my journey of self growth, self care and something I forgot, Self love. Today is august 28th and this starts my journey.

If you read this one day, just know you got through it. Im excited to hear the journey and the story you wrote for yourself.

[kenshinleinuell]

PETA IN CREATIVE WRITING

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◑ ━━━━━CELEBRATE LITTLE SUCCESS━━━━━ ◐

Greetings, Greetings to you all, people, classmates, friends and teachers, the one speaking on this majestic piece of bond paper is just a typically normal person, not rich, not poor, just normal and average. Oh, where are my manners? I forgot to introduce myself. I am the one, yet different from the whole. I am you, but different. I am me, but I am everything and everyone. I do, I listen, and I am nothing yet everything. I am the waves, the stars, the flesh, and the blood. I am the trees, the hide, and the bone. I am a mess, but I am accomplished. I am order and chaos rolled into one. I am the word and the silent scream. I am the ego, and I am the soul.I am in pain and everything in between. I am a misplaced word and a poet. I am a song and lack of melody. I am dead and a never-ending story that goes on a another chapter of his life.I am empty yet filled to the brim. I am the rhyme that catches on. I am the forgotten tongue that never repeats. I am the tongue that everyone speaks. I am the abstract that never lets on. And finally, I am Leinuell Anthony M. Vicente, a 16 years old boy who wants to pursue his dreams and in that process, wants to gab anyone’s attention and become an image of greatness and kindness in the eyes and the hearts of people around me. I am not trying to best anybody but rather be an example to them. I live in the small barangay of Calancuasan Norte in Cuyapo, Nueva Ecija. I am proudly studying in Saint Pius X Institute with a goal in mind, not to be the best but the one who will succeed. A Grade-11 Student of Grade-111 St. Francis Humss and proudly took that strand to take HRM Culinary course in College and hope to graduate and become a Cook someday. The hobby I usually dop is to draw anime characters and sometimes other things. Another of mine is to cook and I especially like to experiment when cooking to discover new mixtures, flavors , and I like cooking fried rice because its full of flavor, texture, color and looks great when you put creativity into it. My life is going, a story that does not have an ending.

I'm ok actually, these past few months, everything has absolutely gone well. I didn't really expect to happen this much but I hope that whatever I had now ot what I will receive sooner or later, I hope it keeps going and even though sometimes I face a challenge that I thought I couldn't handle but with just a little bit of courage and self confidence, every challenge can be overcomed with ease. Though last year was the hardest for me because I couldn't handle all the trauma and pain that I received, I am very happy that I overcame these, especially the anxiety and depression that I had. And for the coming days, weeks, months, and years, I expect something that can change my life fully but still have the same heart that I always have, a kind hearted boy. Surprisingly, in all of the things that I went through, I discovered myself even more, discovering things I didn't know I was capable of. I found my own strengths and weaknesses. Besides physical strength, which I have, the strength that I am noticing that is developing is my academic capabilities and knowledge, and my mental capacity because last year, I don't have the inspiration to do more to what I can do and I asked myself, "What if I do better? What if I push myself even more?", and then I did and was surprised by the results. Just by trying, I can get a good grade and even manage to get into honors which surprised me because I didn't expect that I would enter that kind of level and I am very very happy about it and I hope next Card Day/Parents Day, I still get into honors but with higher grades. For my weakness, the only thing that I have is that I am emotionally sensitive, very full of jealousy and very gullible. Because of my strengths and weaknesses, I realized that they were formed because of the things I have faced, challenges, pain, anxiety, suffering and people, I have created my own strengths and at the same time, developed my own weaknesses that, I still encounter but because of this, I improved a lot but I can improve more, just a little more push.

A Message of Hope and Encouragement to my Future Self

You'll stand up for what is right

Hold on your dreams very tight

Your heart has the greatest price

And in the future you'll rise