#but I have to get groceries tomorrow too
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Oh, oh!! Every day I have to spend money!! 😖
So much for my lucky year...
#had to buy a new car tire inflator and I'm trying to put off buying new oven mitts#but I have to get groceries tomorrow too#but also I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow and then another one on the 8th#also my uncle passed away on Sunday so I've been dealing with that too#and I've also been trying to job hunt but I'm hella discouraged bc everywhere wants like a minimum of like 3+ years of experience#and I'm just#O-|<#so much just keeps happening#personal#ALSO I had to pay for the utilities today and since my check bounced from last time bc of someone trying to impersonate my dad#so all our accounts were frozen and the bank didn't notify us until my sister called a week later bc she noticed our accounts were on like#credit only mode?????#so the check I wrote before bounced and then plus this time's water/utilities bill it was like a little under $1000#bc it's also been so cold that even though the heat's turned down it's going bc of the weather#and I was stupid and paid with a card in-person today so it was an extra like $23 on top of the late fee and the 2 cycles of bills#and again I'm just O-|<#someone feed me to the wolves now pls
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Some other highlights today include the several frogs on one section of our hike, a quick stop at a local pet store for funsies, and getting ice cream with @petrichorpaws to finish it out! A big day for a Tortilla Boy, who is currently still zonked on his cot 💕
#i also worked early this morning for a couple hours and went grocery shopping so i am ALSO exhausted#this is my break from working on figuring out the new numbers with my pay raise lol#got Torch a new brush too and he LOVES IT ill have to try to get a photo or video of him soon#he was rolling onto his back so i could brush his chest/stomach it was adorable#and convenient bc i was brushing a few remaining dried mud bits out of his chest and legs lol#theres a post for our hike too but tumblr ate it and im hoping it spits it back out as it sometimes does bc i wrote a novel in the tags#if it doesnt spit it back out then ill just re make it tomorrow ig lmao#torch#west siberian laika#frog
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i can just feel that my computer is about to kick it. firefox makes my cpu usage jump from 10% to 70% just by loading a single page.
#its either that or programs these days are becoming too powerful for my nearly 15 y/o pc.#it's annoying!!!!! it makes me want to cry because what if my computer just. Stops. i cannot afford to fix it.#a decent pc (for what i need) is going to run me 1.5k Minimum.#even if i get a job Tomorrow it's going to take me a fucking year to be able to afford that shit between groceries and rent.#AND i have to pay my mom back for the fucking $13k in dental shit. (not her fault (obviously))#THIRTEEN THOUSAND DOLLARS. to fix my teeth so i can get my fucking hearing back and so i'm not in constant fucking pain.#i hate this fucking country. i want to go back in time and kill ronald reagan 30 times over.#i want to bring him back to life just to torture the shit out of him. beat him within an inch of his life. fix him up. and do it again.#wash rinse and repeat until *i* die.#i want to go back in time so i can beat ronald reagan's head into a foamy red pulp.#i want to treat ronald reagan like those beat-up dolls. fling him around a small room. throw grenades at him. hit him with a fucking nuke.#anyways i'm going to stop blabbing about all the ways i would kill ronald reagan and i'm going to seethe over my computer becoming a brick.
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being homesick and changing as a person so much the place you grew up in isn't your home anymore is such a core part of ati and upon further inspection i think i was projecting a little
#like yea that is a very common basic thing that happens to a lot if not most adults#but also i think i get homesick a bit too easy#when i moved away from home i moved to the closest big city that's only an hour away and i was already deeply familiar with it#but i was so sad despite knowing i personally could never thrive in my hometown#i wanted to experience the big city but it was so scary and it still is and i miss the comforts of my hometown but it's not just me that#has changed#dont get me wrong i wouldnt move back bc i have hobbies and friends and a job and most likely a career in the city i live in#and this truly is a place i don't think i could ever move away from. unless it is to a neighboring city#it's so hard for me to imagine there are people who move not just across the country but a completely different country and they just. adap#i could never. i was visiting my hometown every week for like the first year i lived here#i eventually want to move to a bigger apartment and ive been looking at places already even tho i need to graduate before doing that#and i'm. getting homesick just thinking about moving to a different part of the city.#i like the area i live in. i like the cornerstore and the distance to the closest grocery stores and parks#i like how my grandma used to live in this area when she was around my age#i'm not good with change and i know it but there are several things about moving that make me miserable#like yeah obviously i will move out from my single bedroom apartment when i can and i'll be so happy and it'll be good for me#but despite having lived here for only a bit more than 4 years i'll miss this apartment. i have so many good memories from here and i'll#never be able to visit it again and have it feel the same#but that's the least sad thing imo. i dread being in a different area more lmao#but it's fine i know i'll adapt as long as i don't have to move to a different city ever again gfsahgak#idk ive had a long day and im feeling a bit melancholic#i'll sleep in tomorrow >:3c#leevi talks
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Ok pushing myself to see a new GP on Friday, wish me luck
#well it’s either i see a doctor or run out of medication lol#hopefully it goes well#also it’s only $30 out of pocket so hopefully i can pay for it#it’s hard bc u have to have the full appt amount available in your acc for it to go thru#but i need to get groceries asap#hopefully i can get some groceries for the next few days when im out tomorrow#and then pick some more up if I need to on Friday#might even go to the asian grocery store on Friday too if i can muster the energy#anyway yeah
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Glad I’m starting therapy so soon after moving out ☝️ I am already feeling the helplessness and loneliness
#vent#<- slightly? not that strongly? this is a pretty chill post like. I feel pretty chill#but also :( sad#I miss my family and friends at home#I haven’t really talked to my roommates#including the one who’s been my friend since high school bc she’s been sick (?) for the past few days#and this semester is definitely going to be A Lot#I got accepted into another choir but I’m most likely not joining bc my schedule is so packed#but the main thing is#I FEEL LIKE A BABY#my parents never really made me cook or clean and I just feel kinda useless#I’m just gonna have to force myself to learn which is fine#and my parents have offered to walk me through stuff over the phone when they can#but idk I just feel really immature bc like. damn I am 20 and don’t know how to cook Anything#I’m gonna go grocery shopping either tonight or tomorrow and get some sandwich supplies and other non-cooking stuff#so we are not completely doomed lol#also I need to do laundry tomorrow.. which. I can do and have done before. but I’m still gonna call my mom for guidance 😅#idk I think the main thing that’s stressing me out is spending money on food vs. groceries#and trying to eat at least some protein and fruits/vegetables etc. while also not spending exorbitantly#bc I am SOOOO irrationally anxious about money. I hate hate hate spending money#so the whole idea of grocery shopping is just kind of filling me with dread 🥲#but I will do it bc I need to Adult at some point#I just. idk I guess most students do this and I’m being whiny about it bc I’m not used to it??#but it just feels like So Much to be taking five classes and doing a bunch of extracurriculars and living on my own for the first time!#like! ahhh! too much at once!#😰😰😰#and I need to get an internship soon 😀 and if I don’t get one this semester I need to at least get a job so I can stress less about money 😀#but I always stress about money regardless 😀😀😀😀😀😀😀 even though I have scholarships savings etc 😀😀 ocd things! 😁 (🥲)#thank god for my meds and the thought that I’ll be starting therapy in the next week or two#and also my mom for being like the sweetest wver
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I should be writing my thesis but Im feeling so lazy
#personal#i managed to get some sleep so thats good#but it still feels like yesterday's super hot super humid weather seeped any and All possible energy out of me#and I can barely think straight today#its cooler today at least#but its also raining outside so the humidity and grayness is also not doing me favors#so Im thinking#maybe I should just take this day for myself#I do have to do some cooking#for dinner and to prep the tofu so it doesn’t go bad#I have a recipe I wanna try and tbh whenever I do a lot of 'brain work' before in the day I have zero energy to cook#so this might be a good day try making a new thing#spend some time playing cyberpunk and stocking up on some good feels#I plan to go to the grocery store too (in the rain ughh) to grab smth sweet for my dad for tomorrow#cause I forgot to buy it yesterday when I was in town#oh and then there's the game in the afternoon!#our boy's playing in the vnl and its always nice to watch them play with the fam#so yeah#maybe today is for charging the batteries#and then tomorrow Im gonna push to write as much as I can in one day#hopefully this plan will work and not backfire on me 🙈🙈
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good morning!! <33
#i am basically done with writing for the prompts :3#like i need to fact-check a part for tomorrow's fic#but otherwise i'm finished :3#which is good because i have a listening party at like 8:30 tonight#and i don't wanna miss that or be like too busy during it#teehee new 'epic' saga :3#also we have to get groceries tonight like usual ^^#other than that - my plans are to make more star rail progress and yeah :3#i think i still need to come up with a tag for one of the other potential f/os I'm adding :3#anyways~ i hope today/tonight is kind to you!!!#morning rambles
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on the one hand i want to try for a second wind to stay up and get really into something but on the other hand im sleepy and im pretty sure my husband went to bed without me so i honestly might as well
#back in godot learning thingssssssss#trying to do anything i can to distract myself from the abysmal lack of work ive been able to find lately LOL#genuinely ive had 1 commission in the last 2 weeks like its so joever im so hungry#not to be like “the economy” but man i used to be doing upwards of 20 coms a week when i was really nuts#making a couple grand a month etc#but shits gone so to pieces between ai and the cost of living crisis that like i get no work anymore at all ever#the bone deep resistance i have to having to get another shitty day job is insane tho after what the last one did to me#idk but ive been losing a ton of sleep over it lately and ive been having nightmares every night again#so i guess i really gotta solve that sooner rather than later. esp bc we cant buy groceries indefinitely like this#ive cut back to eating cereal in the morning and then something for dinner after having a really good streak of eating 3 hardy meals a day#which sucks but what can you do#gotta stop being a big fat failure if i want to eat like a. not failure. a succeeder#ig theres the ego of it too bc coms have been my fulltime job for years so like the dead dropoff lately is so#what if it ends tomorrow right. what if it ends next week. what if it doesnt end until next year#what if it never ends and im just unemployed sitting on my ass pretending i still have a career doing what i love#which is already what it feels like bc ive been scrounging for pennies to put food on the table for months now#like idk man. its joever let it go let it die. but that means getting a shit fucking job somewhere and god i do not want to LOL#i wont have the energy to do anything anymore and im such a brittle person this time of year anyway#whateverrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr#im gunna try to sleep bye o/
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I'm sorry for my posts today, I guess the stress from the entirety of September was piled too high and is collapsing onto my head. I'm just so tired y'all....
#the dentist office in town offers walk ins so i COULD go tomorrow but two peoblems#i cant afford to do a payment plan. after sending rent and bills im left with barely enough for any groceries needed.#i can get maybe 5 things if im lucky#also im scared. im scared to go alone. its too short notice to ask my friend to pick me up and take me. i cant do that to him.#so do i just wait until i can afford the 120$ insurance plan and risk the infection getting worse or spreading#or do i go and risk not beinf able to pay the bill and get into yet another debt#i dont think i even wanna do this for me#all i can rhink about is my niece and how is she supposed to have a good like when im the only one with decent credit#thst could get a house with a yard and her own room#whos gonna be the one to take care mom amd dad if i bite it yknow? because thats my biggest responsibility#taking care of two disabled adults bc one cant works bc hes legally blind and the other cant get approval to work from her heart dr#their ssi could decrease or lower at any point in time as demonstrated multiple times this year alone#so yeah im only doing the right thing and at least TRYING to see a dentist for their benefit and not mine#my benefit is i continue to live with slightly healither teeth? no because id rather let myself deteriorate into nothing#but i dont the choice because i have people depending on me financially and i cant fail because if i fail things worse for them#and if things get worse for them its just another one of my fuck ups#sometimes i wish i just burned in the house fire in 2008#talkies#vent
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goodnight gay people in my phone 💙
#personal#gonna start a character sheet tomorrow!!! not sure of who yet but i'll figure that out as i go :]#gotta get some groceries for a stir fry for lunch... coconut chicken...#and on sunday i'm going out for dinnar 🍽️ yay#hope you guys will have a good weekend too :]
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I have decided that this upcoming week and a half are going to be extremely not "banana bread at work dude hell yeah"
#between 3 exams accounting for 50% of my grade in my class#returning not only to work after 10 days off but returning to see the manager who caused my mind to fully mentally break#and now also the 3rd thing#I'm just spent and i dunno how I'm gonna keep moving#i picked up a second job in a funeral home too#have to go shopping for clothes after work tomorrow but it can't be too late cuz i have to come home to let the dog out#i have to do the same quickly on tuesday after work before rushing back in the direction of work#where my school is#so i maybe get... an hour of time to cram before exam#i need to order propane#i need to fix my car#i need to take care of my lawn and house#i need to grocery shop#typing it all out helps#i think I'm gonna grocery shop today#though the thought of food makes me feel really sick right now#whatever I'll feel fine by like friday probably
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yes bank, I KNOW I'm very low on cash, stop emailing me about it
#sigh. that crowdstrike thing really fucked me over bc I couldn't use my SNAP EBT card for like 4 days#so I had to pay out of pocket for food#I had it all perfectly planned too. i knew I'd run out of the previous groceries the day I got my SNAP filled AND THAT WAS THE SAME DAY AS#CROWDSTRIKE#I was hoping to have a bit of a buffer for August but in four days my money went from two hundred to seventy and then I had to keep spendin#for other essentials like pads#i had promised I'd donate whatever I had left by the end of the month but that's only forty dollars now#I get paid SSI tomorrow but there's so much I need to spend it on in August#and I won't have much to buy myself a frivolous treat
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Man I used to sympathize people with chronic illness, but now I can really empathize. This shit sucks and it has the worst snowball effect too.
#helped my friend with her art booth at a con this weekend and it wasn’t even like a ton of work but it fucking exhausted me so much#I think I pushed myself too far because I also got sick and now I feel like shit and I’m so so so tired#and of course this is with steroids. like the drug that gives you energy to do shit and I’m barely functioning at work#I’m going to up my dose to 30mg bc the doctor said I could. cause even at 20 I’m still getting crohns symptoms#nothing like picking up groceries and feeling sudden impending doom where you have to get to a toilet as soon as possible#and then being so tired from just picking up groceries that you don’t have energy to make food#so you just lay in bed but you can’t sleep because you’re in pain and it’s hard to breathe from this stupid cold#this cold shouldn’t be kicking my ass but of course my steroids are immunosuppressants so it’s like I have fucking Covid#(I don’t have Covid)#and then crying because even on the steroids I still have to follow this stupid miserable diet because apparently#my body just fucking hates all good food#including goddamn rice#RICE!#not to mention the fact that prednisone can make your vision bad and it’s been making it hard for me to read even with my glasses on#and the foot cramps. idk what that’s about but I’m drinking so much water and taking supplements#anyways. rant over. hope I can work tomorrow. I accidentally slept thru my alarm today and was an hour late#personal
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Month 5, day 9
Tea scene is done!
Do you know what's unfortunate? I made tea in a 3D modeling and animation software, and in doing so, I drank the last of the tea in the house )':
#the great artscapade of 2024#art#my art#blender#blender render#blender 3d#eevee render#*pokes her empty tea cup* )':#my accomplishments mock me with my own thirst#I probably shouldn't be too upset tho#it was just Arizona sweet tea#but it was exactly what I wanted to drink and now it's all gone and I'll never have any more until the next time I buy groceries )':#what if I can't wait until tomorrow?#surely I shall perish of thirst by then#woe is me )':#*ignores all the other things to drink in the house like water and milk and hot tea that she'd need to make but it's still an OPTION*#I don't even have that delightful strawberry kiwi juice I found to tide me over#I demolished that while I was sick lol#gotta get more of that it was so good#and no sugar added! 100% juice! it was HEALTHY!!!
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good evening. I am going to cry for a lot of valid reasons but none of them current and most of them resolved :)
#mushroom cries a lot#like a lot a lot#there was a new nurse at my eye doctor and she didnt listen for shit#the office was renovated which like good for them it does look better but Change#then what i wanted for lunch was closed for reno but we got the second option which was still good#then i had a case of the overstimulated rage while trying to Get Stuff Done#then the groceries get here and they smell so strongly of weed we had to throw out half of it and also recirculate our air#then mum forgot the air was on and i got too cold#oh forgot that infusion almost didn't work bc my scar tissue was being rude#that was fun#but i am currently getting infusion so its fine#and i have to get up early tomorrow to go to a makers market that we would totally skip if we didnt need the money#so yeah crying is valid right now
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