#but I don't think friends can always make up for the emotional wound of parents who weren't there for you the way they should have been

[twilight-good-yall-dumb]

I'm realizing that the reason I feel so deeply attached to things I loved as a kid probably has something to do with the way I don't feel that attachment with my parents. Like yeah, I'm going to be devastated when the member of a band I've loved for over half of my life dies because he was there for me when my own parents weren't. And yeah, I'm going to feel ridiculous adoration for the woman who writes and sings songs about love and heartbreak who I've been singing along to since I was a child because she's shown me what love could be when my own mother couldn't set that example. And yeah, I'm going to love a cozy atmospheric piece of media because I felt comfortable living inside of that world when my own home growing up was never a place of reprieve. etc etc etc

[writingquestionsanswered]

Character Hasn't Experienced Major Trauma

Anonymous asked: I have two of my three characters' arcs worked out, but not the protagonist's. She's just a random teenager before the story starts (normal life/family/parents, yet to be traumatised) so I'm struggling with what background to give her. I don't want to pull the orphan card and can't think of a proper inciting incident since I don't know what her situation is before it all. Any tips on writing ordinary characters?

[Ask edited for length]

First, it's important not to think of a character's past trauma as having to be some horrific event. That's not what emotional wounds are about. They can be, but they certainly don't have to be and normally aren't. Your character's emotional wound can be literally any moment in their past that made them believe something about themselves, someone else, or the world that isn't true, and as such has a profound effect on who they are when the story starts and how they navigate the story in the beginning. It's the starting point of their character arc.

Second, almost everyone has experienced a moment like that by the time we reach our double-digits.

Some examples of emotional wounds that aren't big, horrific events:

emotional wound: strict religious grandma tells you "if something makes you happy, it will probably send you to hell"

lie you believe as a result: you can never enjoy things that make you happy

emotional wound: trusted aunt has a bad break-up and, with mascara running down her face, tells you, "true love is a lie. No one is ever truly happy in love."

lie you believe as a result: when someone says "I love you," they're lying and it's time to bail on the relationship before it falls apart.

emotional wound: best friend's "#relationship goals" parents go through a bitter divorce.

lie you believe as a result: relationships always end in disaster and no one can live happily ever after.

Finally, your story's inciting incident doesn't have to be related to your character's past, and in fact most of the time it isn't. Their response to the inciting incident may be guided by the lie they believe, but even that's not always the case. Sometimes, the emotional wound/lie they believe simply influences how they navigate the story's events and how they are changed by those events.

I hope that helps!

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

I’ve been writing seriously for over 30 years and love to share what I’ve learned. Have a writing question? My inbox is always open!

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[tetsutits]

𝐃𝐄𝐄𝐏 𝐂𝐔𝐓𝐒 — kakucho x fem!reader.

# kantou manji kaku, three deities aftermath, established relationship, relationship angst, hurt/comfort, suggestive (making out), injury/blood. (wc. ~2k) barely edited im sorry :(

In the quiet streets of late-night Kanto, Japan, where the bars are closing down, and the harsh winds speak hushed whispers into cold skin, you sit on a worn out couch in a worn out building with a first-aid kit in your lap.

Even with the box being as little as a jewelry one, it almost feels like a bag of bricks with how your worry adds to the weight.

“kaku’...” you whisper, scared to break the little bubble of tension in the room, a little furrow in your brow, “I’m worried about you.”

his eyes flicker between the wooden floors and his hands in his lap, pinned in hyperfocus as he worries his lower lip between his teeth.

“you don’t need to,” he says, voice low, “I don't want you to carry any extra weight… especially if it's me.”

as soon as the words leave his mouth, your eyes can’t help but well up in tears, threatening to fall and wet your cheeks.

you suck in a harsh breath, as if it would do anything to calm the surge of emotions in your heart, “h-how can I not?”

kakucho furrows his brows, squeezing and unsqueezing his fist, watching the blood on his knuckles ooze out from the deep cuts. It doesn’t hurt him anymore, he thinks nothing could at this point. If you break a finger, you can heal it, if you break a leg, you can heal that too, if you get shot, chances are you will survive.

he throws his entire body in fights with no regard to his physical health — he knows the consequences wouldn’t hurt him much anyway.

but you?

It hurts you to see him like this. It hurts you more than it hurts him. the type of hurt that can’t just heal overnight. the type of hurt that will bleed over and over no matter how many times it's healed and scarred over. and he thinks he could never get over the look of pure agony in your eyes at first glance – which is why he sits here, in this dark room, with you by his side aiding his wounds and his eyes glued to the floor, trying to tell you that he’s not worth your tears or your worry.

he can’t meet your eyes.

he feels a warm palm against his cheek, a little wet from what he assumes are your tears.

“please, just look at me,” you voice breaks. at this point the lump in his throat feels like he’s swallowed an entire rock. he doesn’t dare say another word, but he complies, moving his head to the side to look at your achingly beautiful face.

his heart squeezes in his chest. it hurts him to see you like this — more than you’d ever know. he doesn’t know how to handle being genuinely cared for, being loved, but you? you’ve loved him like it was breathing. you’ve cared for him like it was second nature.

and he doesn’t know how to handle it, how could he? when he’s been raised with no parents, no siblings, no family and no friends and no one to look after him, even after izana died. If anything, the guilt he feels inside him could consume him. he doesn’t deserve you. and you shouldn’t be here, staying up late at night, just so you could patch him up.

It's always fight after fight, after fight.

and it’s all the same. and you’re always there. as stubborn as you are, nothing he says to you will get you to leave him. and he just can’t understand why you’re still here.

“i… don’t want you to cry.” he manages, “you don’t deserve this. you deserve so much better.”

—than what I'm giving, he wants to say. but the words never make it across to you.

you stroke his bruised cheek so softly, so calmly, he thinks he could stay here with you forever. just savoring the way your fingertips leak love into his damaged skin. and sometimes, he thinks it’s a problem. that you have too much love. so much that it overflows inside you and seeps from your soft fingers.

and he soaks it up as if he can never get enough of it — enough of you. there’s love in everything you do, and he finds himself being swept up with the way you leave your love everywhere you go. when you touch him, he can feel it deep within his soul. like the damage inside him can only be ever healed by you, like you’re the only remedy to the deep cuts he has inside him.

“I'm here because I love you.” you whisper. “there’s no ‘better’, kaku. there’s only you.”

you set the kit down on the coffee table, and make your way back to him, now holding his face in both your palms so you could look straight at him.

“I don't want anyone else, but you.”

he feels a thick thump in his throat, blocking and sealing it shut so that he doesn’t dare speak. no matter how much he swallows down the guilt and pain, it resurfaces ten times stronger. tilting his head, he leans into your touch and closes his eyes, savoring the way you hold him like delicate glass.

“i don’t understand why you’re doing this…” he says, voice sullen. “you keep hurting yourself by being here and…. i keep hurting you.”

the atmosphere surrounding you both is soft, melancholy; but you don’t comment about it. he feels you breathe in, sniffing back your tears and trying yourself to keep yourself together before your tears start to fall once more.

“well you’re not trying to hurt me, are you?”

he snaps his head up, furrowing his brows, “i, no, of course not, i would nev-“

“kakucho,” you say, wiping your eyes with a little smile on your lips, “i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again,”

he watches as you move while you speak, settling over his thighs and on his lap, the little skirt you wear rides up and he quickly pins his gaze back to you.

“i’m here because i want to be here.” you whisper, still cradling his face in your hands. “you don’t have to do this alone... let me carry your pain with you.”

he looks up at you like a lost puppy, and then hurriedly buries his face into your chest to hide the watering of his eyes. his heart burns in his chest, and he has no idea what to do with himself anymore. he thanks the gods above for the blessing that is you, for he doesn’t know what he’s ever done in his life to earn something as gentle and caring as you are.

“i don’ know what i did t’deserve you.” he speaks, but the words are muffled by your shirt. “a fuckin’ angel on earth, god.”

you giggle, sniffing away the last of your tears. you hold him like this, for who knows how long. just stroking the back of his head and letting him rest against your chest. you feel his strong arms wrap around you like a cage, like he wants to keep you safe from all the evil and harm in the world. he pins you to him and you let him, just sitting in silence and finding comfort in each others hold.

the two of you don’t speak for a while. just soaking in the warmth of each other, and you feel him tilt his head up so he can breathe deep into the crook of your neck, skimming his nose over the soft skin like a prized cat showering their owner in love.

“kaku,” you whisper, lifting his face with two fingers.

“yes, baby?” he hums, a deep sound resonating within, looking up at you with half lidded eyes. you lean closer to him, nudging the tip of his nose with yours and massaging the firm muscles of his shoulders.

you plant one, two, three soft kisses on his lips. another on the dark bruise forming over his cheekbone, one more on his eyebrow, and lastly one on his forehead like it would heal the open wound.

you giggle, “you look like you’re enjoying this too much.”

he smiles and his eyes fall shut, “‘cant get enough.”

“yeah?” you kiss him once more on the lips, this time deeper and with more passion, “good thing we have all night.”

he groans into your mouth, chasing your sweet lips every time you pull away. you loop your arms around his neck while he grips your behind to yank you even closer to him, letting his thighs spread apart further.

and he really means it when he says he can’t get enough, greedily sucking your lower lip and swiping his tongue over it. one hand comes up to hold you softly by the jaw, a small command, yet leaves you lightheaded at the fact that he always craves control with you.

moving his thumb to your chin, he lightly pulls down so your plush lips drop open, giving his tongue better access to tangle with yours. his other arm is rooted in place, wrapped around you so he could keep you near him at all times.

“fuck,” he groans, “you drive me insane.”

the ache in your core is undeniable, and you feel him just as needy as you are with the tent forming in his pants. it’s all too much — your whimpers are swallowed up by his mouth, all while his hips cant up into yours. if he pushes up just a little more, with a little more force, and grips you a tiny bit harder you think you’ll—

“god, get a fucking room.”

you pull away from him with a gasp, slapping a hand over your mouth.

“what the fuck are you —“

“you didn’t hear the door open, dumbass,” ran rolls his eyes, “too busy sucking face.”

kakucho lowers you down on the couch next to him and stands up, anger building behind his eyes. “who the fuck said you could come in?”

“i told you i was coming,”

“a-and you don’t knock?!” you pipe up, heat crawling up your face all the way to your ears.

ran pushes the door fully open and walks in like he owns the damn place. “sorry, sweetheart. didn’t know you were here,” he winks at you.

“yeah? well she is. you can leave now, by the way. don’t forget to close the door on your way out, too.”

you hide your embarrassed smile behind your hand, seeing that the older haitani scans your form up and down with a smirk on his face gets your boyfriend heated like nothing else. they always manage to get on his nerves, especially when it comes to you.

“alright, alright! i’m leaving, damn,” ran says as soon as kakucho starts to push him out of the room, “you treat your guests like shit, kakucho.”

“when they barge in like you.”

ran stops right at the door to peek his head in one last time, “you enjoy your night, darling.”

his words have you looking away in embarrassment, finding the double-meaning behind his words. you hide your face in your hands.

“we will. now get out.”

[cr33pz-mck3nna]

Scary? My god you're divine..

Friday the 13th special! Happy 13th!

Jason Voorhees x Reader

A meeting scenario, a small blurb and then some relationship headcanons!

Warnings: Supernatural/Paranormal themes, blood, death, kidnapping, some parts may be viewed as stockholm syndrome(though I don't really intend to have stockholm in this), mentions of physical, mental and emotional abuse to the extent of damaging maturity growth via parental figures, Jason is traumatized, reader is GN but inspired by Carrie White

• You were going on vacation with your friends, a roadtrip of sorts, you were a very sheltered child so they wanted you to do all the fun kid stuff that you never got to do now that you're an adult and the first stop was to a local campsite Crystal Lake

• When you showed up at the abandoned children's camp you were hesitant to say the least, you found it more creepy than peaceful and you could've sworn that you were being watched...

• You know how it goes, slutty Tina and her horny boy toy Chaz went first bcs it's always the ones who can't stop fucking that go first.

• You tried so hard to escape, Pam had to give you that one! Such a petite little thing you are, barely look used to the real world, and yet you survived the longest and tried to save your friends, you immediately get mama's stamp of approval which means you're not dying today! Expecting to be stabbed by his machete he instead hits you upside the head

• Why did he do this!? What was he thinking!? He's a killer not a kidnapper! Was mama's judgement right?.. As you lay on a decaying old mattress, out colder than sleeping beauty, Jason is absolutely wracked with nerves, pacing around like crazy, he's never done this before y'know! This is a big step for him, one he was DEFINITELY not ready for-

• When you woke up you were...much more docile than he expected- You were tied to the wall by your hands and feet but each limb was tied separately so moving around wasn't an issue, you thanked him for that. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!? He just kidnapped you and you're...thanking him for comfy restraints?..He does not understand you.

• Months start to pass and eventually the restraints go with them, Jason decided to move you to a much nicer cabin/house he owns don't worry about how he got it! and now you are practically his little housewife(regardless of gender)- doing all the cooking, cleaning, patching him up after an encounter with a particularly ballsy victim, you remind him so much of his mama, so kind...why?..

Almost a month now...you've adjusted well. You've been through this before with your own parents but somehow you feel more freedom this time, Jason minds his own business and apart from being a killer he's been quite nice, you realized rather quickly that he doesn't know how to speak and have been trying to accommodate to that, living in a quiet house so that you can better hear him and making sure to have a notepad in every room.

You were making dinner that night when Jason came home surprisingly loud for him, the door slamming open and the sound of his boots stumbling on the hardwood floor, you knew something was wrong. You ran to the hallway and saw his covered in blood and bullet holes, not a piece of his clothing was dry and you couldn't tell what blood was his own or from whoever did this to him.

"Jason!? What happened, oh my god-" You yell running over, he reaches for a notepad to respond but doesn't get the chance as you pull him into the bathroom and sit him on the edge of the tub. You order him to start taking off his clothes, he doesn't know which startled him more the request or your demanding tone, as you scramble through the cabinets and drawers looking for a first aid kit. You have no clue what happened but from the paper bag on his head you can guess whoever broke him also broke his mask.

You rush over to the now shirtless Jason and begin to treat his wounds when you notice the paper bag turning a familiar shade of red. You reach up to remove the bag and he grabs you firmly by the wrist, instead putting his broken mask in your hand. "Jason..I'll work on fixing your mask but you need to let me treat the wounds on your face." He shakes his head firmly and you sigh. "Jason...I know you don't like people seeing your face but no matter how you look I am never going to judge you..I need to help you Jason please.."

He eventually caves and let's you take off the bag, you raise it slowly and reveal his deformed and slightly decaying face which would send a chill down anyone's spine but...you just grimace at the large gash on his left cheek reaching all the way to a small cut on the bridge of his nose. You get to work sopping up the blood and putting disinfectant on the wounds, your eyes never leaving his wounds and his eyes never leaving yours, you place a large gauze on the gash and a smaller bandage on his nose and give him a reassuring smile. "There we go, all better!" You smile as you give him a small kiss on the tip of his nose.

Yep. He's in love.

• Boyfriend!Jason who is surprisingly probably the most loving and supportive slasher partner that you could have.

• Boyfriend!Jason who is such a lovebomber, he doesn't do it on purpose, he's just terrified you'll leave him if he can't keep you happy.

• Boyfriend!Jason who has weekly therapy sessions with you to work on letting go of the trauma of his past, you have come to notice he mainly talks about his mother even though he sees her as a saint, it's to the point you wish the bitch was alive so you could kill her yourself.

• Boyfriend!Jason who has nightmares whenever he sleeps which is why he just..didn't- But now he has you, the human teddy bear, to chase away all the bad dreams!

• Boyfriend!Jason who thinks every fight can be solved with a hug, to the point that it is bcs HOW CAN YOU STAY MAD AT SUCH A BBY!?

• Boyfriend!Jason who was so eager to celebrate your first Christmas together you had atleast five trees that year-

• Boyfriend!Jason who despises your parents, has banned any mention of them from your household and has only not killed them yet bcs of you, you're lucky he loves you...

• Boyfriend!Jason who gets an extravagant birthday party every Friday the 13th, he has told you the exact date of his birthday but you have also told him to shut up and enjoy his birthdays.

• Boyfriend!Jason who's glad you're the one he spared.

HEY GUYS! I WOKE UP, SAW THE DATE, AND GOT THIS IDEA! Happy birthday Jason and I hope y'all enjoy! Funfact about myself, I live a couple towns over from the "real" Crystal Lake(yes that's the actually name) and my family's rescue dogs were found there so I like to say they were our little gift from Jason and Pamela. Have a wonderful day my lovely little gremlins! -Creepz

[ash-says]

Saviour Complex Fever:

Let's address the saviour Complex today and no I am not talking here only in the romantic sense but also in platonic, familial,etc ways.

Ohh my traumatized girlies you better get your attention piqued up here cause this can be a call out or triggering post.

Speaking in my corporate babe language I am going to adopt both top to bottom and bottom to top approach to make sure you understand the problem. So without circumventing much I am going in for the goal.

1) Top to bottom Approach:

Starting with the OG," I can fix them" attitude.

Calm down babe, you can't. How about first fixing your sleep schedule for the starters?

We usually see this attitude being discussed a lot in the romantic hemisphere but I profoundly believe it plays a pivotal role in other bonds we have with people and tend to bleed into our romantic life so on and so forth.

Example: Take a child who is five years old and the parents are irresponsible. The child learns early on not only to look after itself but also acts as a therapist to his parents if one of them has zero sense of emotional boundaries and tends to trauma dump on the child. The child will look for ways in which he/she can make things easier and happier for the parent. In a way try to fix the parent and take on the role of being an adult.

How does it affect the bonds you create as an adult?

You become the mom friend.

The mama duck of the group who is always making sure everyone is taken care of properly.

You go above and beyond your comfort to help your friends out.

Take responsibility for your immediate surroundings.

Always trying to be the best and act like a saviour.

Last but not the least, people violate your boundaries time and time again but you forgive them and treat them like a child despite them being functioning adults.

So your homework is to assess your friendships, familial relationships, romantic relationships and check whether you are babysitting a adult?

If yes, are you getting paid for it enough?

No, drop the role.

2) Bottom to Top Approach:

Even the saviour dreams of being saved at times.

One of the potent reasons we tend to pick on the saviour role is because deep down we want to be saved. Salvation is what we desire.

Someone to lean on. A rock solid support. To lower our guards and be present without a worry.

Then we are faced with the harsh realities and realise it's not as simple as we think it is.

Therefore, whenever we see someone in need our instinct activates and we automatically start babysitting. We fill the void by embodying the persona that we deeply crave in our life.

It's the Chiron in us. We take on the role of the wounded healer.

That's where you need to remind yourself you don't need an external person or support to protect you. Many times we are sold this idea that we are fixed by someone else.

It's your job to fix your own house. Not your neighbours.

Your body, your mental health is where your spirit lives. Others can aid you but at the end of the day you won't be trusting your house to a total stranger. It's you who takes control and dictates the course of it.

So kill this idea that someone out there is going to walk into your life and then everything will be rainbows and roses.

Fine, if you believe life is a Disney movie you can go ahead and kiss a couple of frogs to find your prince charming. Your life, your rules.

But don't be surprised if you catch a disease or two while kissing the frogs .

After all, I always say:

There are no fucking saviours in real life. You are your own saviour, darling.

And if you do want to be a mother badly there are plenty of orphaned kids out there you can spend some time with them rather than those ungrateful, therapy inducing, namesake adults.

[temptaetions]

the few things 🌠 b.cc

a/n: the photo above is from the stray kids' 5-star concept teasers. i do not own the media. this being said, i want to preface that this fic is very personal to me, and i felt that it would help me get over things faster if i wrote it. and it did. all of my fics are very personal, so i beg, please don't take them and claim them as your own. please. enjoy. thank you.

synopsis: when he knows you so well, you're like putty for him. when he loves you, when you think he hates you, and everything in between, you're putty for him.

genre: tumultuous situationship au | unrequited love | best friends to strangers | fem!reader | angst pairing: bang chan x fem!reader

word count: 2.9k | lowercase intended.

rating: 18+. minors do not fucking interact.

warnings: brief mention of appetite loss. please take care of your bodies, i love you. unrequited love/one-sided love, rejection. a lot of crying, a lot of overthinking and insecurity.

what to listen to: how high - ice spice ; is it a crime - sade ; con él - jenni rivera ; dive - luke combs ; tus desprecios - selena

being known by him pains you.

he knows you so well. from the way the light makes your eyes glow, to the chipped pedicure on your toes. he knows your ticks, what makes you jump, and which cheek you chew on when you're feeling anxious. he knows the tempo you tap your foot to when you're impatient, and which foot it is that means you're impatient. he knows how easily you swoon, for the smallest things, and how tender your emotions are. especially after fights with your parents.

he knows how to unravel you, to get you to bare your soul to him. he can get you to spill your beans by simply wrapping his arms around you, and letting his presence melt away at your coldness. he knows that just being there is enough for you, that just him existing within your own existence is enough to make you break. 

putting you back together is the hard part. he slowly had to piece everything back together, checking edges and patterns, dents and slices of your problems being scattered everywhere. he was the only one who did it well, the only one who paid attention to detail. the only one who cared enough to even unravel you in the first place.

seeing him do it for somebody else killed you inside.

granted, you and chan had tried to blossom your friendship into a relationship quite a few times. it made sense, you know? he remembered everything about you, and you made efforts no one else had made. you made the effort to soften him up. to show him not everything was set in stone, to show him that he too, could be loved. you watched movies you hated for him, you listened to songs he recommended, and you chose him. over and over, you chose him.

over your friends, over your family. at one point, you almost lost your job over choosing him.

you remember him calling you that day. it was summer. it was raining insanely hard, and he was stuck in traffic. you were worried about him, and stood outside your job waiting to see his car zoom by. your manager tried to pull you in several times, saying you were going to have to go home if you weren't inside in 10 minutes.

chan wound up picking you up, his car shielding you from the rain and his arms protecting you from the wrath of the world. you got sent home, you were soaking wet, and yet, you were so glad to see him. you remember him lightly rubbing your back, softly speaking in your ear that you couldn't jeopardize your job for him. you didn't hear a word, but 'i love you, silly girl.'

and that was the way it always was with chan. so many of your plans were canceled on a whim to talk to him, so many of your friends both envied and disliked him because your attention was always on him. 

"you've tried this relationship so many times. i will always support you, but just know that a girlfriend without the label, and without the same level of commitment is just an obsession, y/n." mina had said to you as she dipped her grilled cheese into her soup, and you sadly remember how quickly your appetite shrank. "chan loves me, mina. he wouldn't lead me on, he's the only thing i'm sure of in this life."

you never regretted being with chan, in any sense. you never felt that sense of dread when knowing plans with him were coming up, and seeing him never made you feel drained. seeing him made you feel like you were on cloud nine. hugging him and breathing him in was an addiction you never want to kick. you loved hearing songs about love and immediately thinking of him, you loved seeing something random he loved and immediately texting him about it.

you loved chan. and he assured you, he loved you.

so why did this feel different?

over the last few weeks, chan had been distant. you hadn't spoken much, and he was routinely in busan instead of seoul. he had no friends in that city, so there was no reason for him to be there, especially now since you guys were trying to jumpstart your relationship again. it seemed he was there almost every weekend, and your texts went unread (or simply, unanswered) for hours.

"hey, baby." his voice was tired, but you watched as the trees zoomed by in the window. he was driving home, from wherever the fuck he was. he only lived a few minutes from the company, so it was unlikely he was coming from work. it was also late, maybe three hours since you'd texted him last. "hey, chan. where are you?" "oh, i'm on my way home. what are you up to?" he answered far too quickly. it was rather avoidant. you scrunch your brows, sitting up on your couch. "home from where? did you work late?"

"what are you, the fbi?" he chuckles, and you hear the ticking of his turn signal. he didn't have to turn if he was going straight home from work, especially not to the left. "i'm just asking. are we still on for tomorrow?" you're picking at your nails, and he sighs.

"actually, no. i have an event at work i can't miss." he sighs, his eyes avoiding his phone. you sucked your teeth, an action not going unnoticed by him. "oh, okay. never mind, then."

you hoped he'd suggest a raincheck. you hoped he'd say, "how about thursday? we can go to dinner." or something along those lines.

"sorry."

bummer, you thought. the effort from chan had begun decreasing. he had originally been the one to ask if you could try and take the leap, one last time. you both knew that your friendship would be dead if one of you got into a relationship – no one wants to come second to their significant other's 'best friend.'

'best friends', that kiss when they're drunk. 'best friends' who have seen every inch of each other's bodies, 'best friends' who have told each other the filthiest things imaginable and have done little to hide that they yearn for the other. 

'best friends' who don't tell their friends when they're kissing each other again. when they're holding each other tightly under covers. when you're letting him tell you how pretty you are, when he's telling you that you're his. when you're letting him snake his hand under your blouse, goosebumps littering your skin.

"i'm home, i'll talk to you later. bye, baby." 

you don't even get a chance to say goodbye before he hangs up, and you feel a pool of guilt in your stomach, paired with the sting of (in your mind, unreasonable) tears. you roll your eyes, your tongue poking your cheek as the tears spill. tossing your phone to the side, you press the heels of your palms into your eyes, trying to take a deep breath.

"it's fine, y/n. he's just busy. he's just busy feeding berry. he's feeding berry, he's probably heating up dinner. he has to eat." you breathe in, a shudder wracking your body as the thoughts begin flooding in.

he's tired of me. he doesn't want to work things out this time. he just wanted to have fun. this is not about love for him.

you curl in on yourself, letting the sobs take over as you let the thoughts flow.

why did he start this again if he didn't actually love me? oh god, what if he has someone else? what if he has someone else entertaining him, holding his attention? what if he's not playing hard to get, i'm just playing hard to get rid of? 

"oh, god." 

you don't understand why you're crying. he hasn't even said anything about not loving you, or not appreciating you. he never said anything about just wanting to have fun, or having another girl waiting for his love.

but subconsciously, you knew a part of him would never tell you. he knew you, he knew how you worked. he knew you'd compare yourself - from creases on your forehead to the stubble on your legs. you knew you'd wonder what they had that you didn't, whether it was sharing his love of marvel movies or simply being a person who can carry conversation better than you could because they could sense something in him you couldn't after years of knowing him.

but if there was anything you were sure of, it was him. you wanted him, all of him, forever. you'd loved him, for many years. and in years past, you'd yearned for him, but never, ever like this. you craved his presence. you craved his attention, his love, his fucking scent, for fuck's sake.

you buried your face in your couch cushion, letting a sob get muffled. oh god. if he's not the one, after all of this? god, remove him. take him away. i can't keep doing this.

it was two in the morning and you couldn't sleep, the crying session from earlier having lasted far longer than you had anticipated. you even let mina come over and comfort you before she passed out on your couch because she had worked a double shift. you clutched your phone in your hand as your swollen eyes stared at the conversation you'd attempted to have with bang chan.

message to: channie 💘

[9:30pm] can we call? 10 minutes.

message from: channie 💘

[10:11pm] why?

message to: channie 💘

[10:20pm] i just miss your voice.

message from: channie 💘

[10:30pm] i'm really tired.

message to: channie 💘

[10:47pm] tomorrow, then? (read: 11:59pm)

chan hadn't spoken to you all day. it was well past lunchtime for you, and he usually had a lull at work at this hour. he usually called for a quick check-in, a chat about music, or whatever was on his mind at the moment. you loved seeing him in work mode, or how quickly he straightened his posture if a coworker acknowledged his presence. mina was sitting at your table, awaiting her breakfast-for-lunch grand cuisine.

"any man who can go twenty-four hours without talking to you, is not the man for you. anyone who loves you, would not put themselves in a position to lose you." mina said as you put a plate of eggs under her nose, her hand reaching for the hot sauce. "it hasn't even been twenty-four hours, mina. he'll come around. he always does, he's channie." "you ever consider there might be someone else calling him that? calling him baby? telling people he's the love of their life, and he might actually be?" she says, her eyes looking at you bluntly as you let the steam of your oatmeal hit your face. your eyes were still insanely swollen, and you had called in from your job to recover. you turned on your ringer, hoping you'd hear the bump bump of his text tone.

"i'm just saying, honey. don't put all your eggs in one basket." she licks her thumb of stray hot sauce, and you just sigh, pushing your oatmeal away, your stomach now full of unease.

it's been twenty-four hours. or, almost twenty-two.

he still hasn't messaged you, called you, or swung by. his instagram story was blank except for the selfie he took in the mirror at work, captioned mondays. 

message to: channie 💘

[9:22pm] hey! we haven't spoken in a bit. where's your head at? lmk, call or text <3

you stare at the text patiently, hoping you'll see read: 9:22pm. you're hoping you'll see the chat bubbles pop up. you're hoping he'll call, or swing by. but he won't, you know he won't.

it pains you to know him.

you couldn't sleep. you were used to chan holding you close to him. you were used to his calloused hand holding yours tightly, and holding it to your chest like it was your favorite thing in the world. but it was like holding onto something when it's not right. it felt good, it felt almost perfect, but it didn't feel the way it did this time.

things he said swirled in your head as you tucked your arm under your pillow, your shirt crumpling under you. you slept on your stomach, chan was a back sleeper. you remember his judgment of it, saying you would be a deer caught in headlights if someone were to break in. you remember laughing, saying that that was what he was for.

you remember asking him if he'd ever be tired of you, if he ever thought this cycle of trying and giving up would be done. he reassured you, that without a shadow of a doubt, you would never be done. you remember thinking he was the moon that night, and that you'd never want to lose him by counting the stars.

but it seems he was doing just that.

you'd called out from work again.

it was well past lunch time for you. almost four hours.

and you were glued to your bed, eyes rereading the message he sent.

message from: channie 💘

[2:48pm] hey, y/n. i think…we should just be friends. i don't want to do this anymore. we've tried this time and time again and it doesn't seem to work. maybe it's for the better that it doesn't. i didn't realize i felt this way until i went to busan last week. i feel better now. i hope you understand.

you couldn't stop reading it. your eyes scanned the screen, hoping you'd read it wrong. hoping somewhere, there was a subliminal message. hoping this feeling of feeling used would leave, this feeling of feeling stupid. you knew things that started fast, and it would end faster. you ignored all the warning signs. you ignored all your friends.

you wanted so desperately for this to work.

you wanted so desperately for him to love you back.

but you would never beg. no, you'd never beg for a man to love you.

staring at the message through blurry eyes, you held it down, your finger pressing the thumbs up reaction.

message to: bang chan

[6:30pm] you liked 'hey, y/n. i think…we should just be friends. i don't want to do this anymore. we've tried this time and time again and it doesn't seem to work. maybe it's for the better that it doesn't. i didn't realize i felt this way until i went to busan last week. i feel better now. i hope you understand.'

you put your phone down on your nightstand, forcing your back to leave the mattress. you caught a glimpse of yourself in the mirror – your hair was tangled, and face was swollen. sighing, you rubbed at your eyes harshly, basking in the discomfort of their dryness.

this time, you were done. you were absolutely done.

you were tired. you knew this was a two-person deal, but this time, it felt like you were making ends meet. you were practically praying to make it work, you were reaching further and further for someone who did not want to be touched. you were giving him access to your heart, your body, your mind without any commitment.

it feels selfish, to be done when he's the one who has suffered in the past. it feels incredibly selfish to yearn for him now, when you failed to love him the way he wanted in the past. at least you're self-aware.

and it all rang in your head, once more.

a girlfriend without the label, and without the same level of commitment is just an obsession, y/n.

he's the only thing i'm sure of in this life.

without a shadow of a doubt, you would never be done.

you remember thinking he was the moon that night, and that you'd never want to lose him by counting the stars.

this time, it is him who is losing the moon, counting the stars.

being known by him pains you.

he knew you so well. from the way the light made your eyes glow, to the chipped pedicure on your toes. he knew your ticks, what made you jump, which cheek you chewed on when you would feel anxious. he knew the tempo you tapped your foot to when you were impatient, and which foot it was that meant you were impatient. he knew how easily you swooned, for the smallest things, and how tender your emotions were. especially after fights with your parents.

he knew how to unravel you, to get you to bare your soul to him. he could get you to spill your beans by simply wrapping his arms around you, and letting his presence melt away at your coldness. he knew that just being there was enough for you, that just existing within your own existence was enough to make you break.

putting you back together was the hard part, but it wasn’t his job anymore. he slowly used to piece everything back together, checking edges and patterns, dents and slices of your problems being scattered everywhere. he was the only one who did it well, the only one who paid attention to detail. the only one who cared enough to even unravel you in the first place, even if for his own benefit.

seeing him do it for somebody else killed you inside.

if you had been sure of anything in this life, one of the few things, it was him.

but he did not want you anymore. if he did, to begin with, this time around. and that’s okay. you’ll be fine. you’ll be fine.

temptaetions © 2023-2024. no translations, reposting or modifications are allowed. do not claim as your own. viewer discretion is advised. your media consumption is your responsibility.

[nova-alien-rants]

trying to finally heal my NPD and dealing with the damage it's caused is so fucking devastating

uhh if you demonize narcs please get off my blog before i launch you into the sun uhh this post is kinda long

it just... it hurts so bad dude. and i feel like my BPD makes it even worse because every time i'm confronted with the reality that i've fucked up those around me so badly, i can end up spiraling into thinking i'm the worst person ever, i deserve to die, i ruin everything, there's no hope for me, etc. it's so awful. i genuinely hate how much i've hurt those in my life.

examples:

i've gaslit my gf to the point where she still feels like SHE'S the problem, even though it's literally been me all along. she kept trying to help me and i villainized her the whole time. i'm disgusted with how i acted. my eyes have been opened and i no longer act the way i did, but the damage has been done and i can't help but cry because of how much i've hurt her these past several years.

my friend became used to me making backhanded jabs and even passive aggressive remarks because i always felt threatened by him. i stopped being mean to him like that, but because he was used to that dynamic with me, he kept up with his own vindictiveness and made me feel terrible that i trained him to do that in the first place. he doesn't do it with anyone else.

i've lost many friends and gotten into baseless arguments simply because i was acting like a giant asshole under the delusion that THEY were the assholes, not me. even though they literally did not do anything. my own ego was wounded and that wasn't their fault. i was such a fool for destroying those relationships.

i feel so fucking despondent so much of the time now, and i keep flip flopping between "there's hope for me and i can help reduce the stigma of NPD" and "i am the worst person ever, i'm a horrible monster who just hurts people, there's no getting better for me." my emotions are so intense. either they're everywhere, or they're nowhere. i also feel so much grief. i could have had amazing relationships with amazing people around me, and to an extent i do now! but so much of the lives of myself and others have been absolutely ravaged by my own self obsession and vindictiveness, and i can't help but wonder what things would be like if i weren't the way i am. honestly i'm so ashamed of myself for letting things get to this point.

whenever i would do research on NPD, i would wonder like... why do people not know they have this condition? how could they possibly not know when it fucks up their lives so bad? i knew about my BPD and OCPD before i even knew what those conditions were called, and those are also ego-syntonic personality disorders! so i was REALLY thrown a curveball when i was told i'm a narc. it felt like my world shattered and i simultaneously could see clearer, but also felt so much shame and sadness. and other things, but i don't even know what in specific. bad things. it seriously changed how i viewed myself and everyone and everything in this world around me.

i remember i would always tell myself i would never end up like my parents, both of whom are narcissists. they were and still are the worst abusers out of all the abusers i've ever had in my life. so when i found out i was a narc, too, i felt disgusted not only because it explained so much of my life, but also because it meant my worst fear had come true. i associate narcissism with my parents. i'd be lying if i were to say i didn't have my own internalized ableism about NPD due to them. at the same time though, i get distressed from sharing physical features with them too, so it's hard to really say. it just sucks all around.

i feel like some kind of evil monster crying crocodile tears upon finally having it click that they actually are, indeed, some kind of evil monster. i've hurt so many people so badly and i was totally blind to it. COMPLETELY. to the point i genuinely believed THEY were the ones hurting ME. sometimes i'm so consumed with shame i literally never want to show my face to anyone ever again. i want to run away and start a new life where no one knows who i am or what my past was like. but alas, such is not feasible, so i am stuck dealing with the consequences of my actions. and accept them i will, of course, because it's the grave i dug for myself, but fuck, man. this feels so awful. i feel so awful.

[cringefandomtrash]

Hogwarts Legacy Characters.

Gonna show off all my Hogwarts Legacy characters, with little blurbs and facts about them.

My version of Hogwarts is a University; all characters are aged up to 18+. All the Hogwarts Legacy 5th years are roughly 21.

Alice is the main MC, all the others exist in the same universe as her.

We'll start with the main one...

Alice Andromeda Cassowary (She/Her)

~Her full name is Alice Andromeda Cassowary. She's named after her Great-Great-Great Grandmother Alice and her Grandmother Andromeda.

~She's in the Hufflepuff house, which she has technically been sorted into twice.

~She was given a journal by Professor Fig to write her feeling out in, after he met her. Inside the journal was a note from Fig that says 'For the things you can't say out loud'.

~She has two younger brothers named George and Killian who are twins.

~She's paired with Ominis Gaunt.

~She got the scar across the bridge of her nose from a stray piece of wood from the dragon attack on hers and Fig's carriage to Hogwarts. The Wiggenweld potion closed the wound but left it scarred over.

~Alice is the shortest of these characters, being only 4'10ft/147cm

~Her Patronus is a Saint Bernard. I did this because I thought it'd be funny for a really short Hufflepuff girl to have her Patronus be one of the largest dog breeds.

Next up with have...

Karen Heinous (She/Her)

~Karen was originally made with an online friend and was based around the specific haircut she wears in-game. We thought it looked like a Karen Haircut.

~Karen's original last name was " 'Murica" as in America, as a nod to a stereotypical American Karen. As a nod to this, her Patronus is an Eagle.

~Karen is distantly related to Headmaster Black through marriage and thinks it makes her super important and above everyone.

~She's in the Slytherin House.

~She has two older sisters, named Amelia and Penelope.

~Karen is 5'4ft/162cm

Our next character is...

Marjorie Festus (She/They)

~Marjorie was the hardest to design. I originally wanted to give her black hair, but that made her look too much like a female Harry Potter. I then tried ginger/red hair which made her look too much like a Weasley. She also originally had the Professor Garlick braids hair mod, before I decided against it.

~Marjorie is in Gryffindor, but she was almost placed in Ravenclaw.

~She has a pet Ferret named Charlie.

~Marjorie is a muggle-born student.

~She's 5'9ft/174cm

~Marjorie has an older sister named Erika, who has been her caretaker since their parents died. They've struggled since and Marjorie hopes going to Hogwarts and getting a job in the wizarding world can help ease the stress on her Sister.

~Marjorie has a black hairbow that she always wears. It was given to her by her Sister, Erika.

And last but not least, we have...

Diaval Knight (They/Them)

~Diaval is Nonbinary, however they are mostly in the closet. Especially when it comes to their family.

~Diaval is a half-blood. Their mother is a Witch and their father † is a Muggle.

~Diaval's mother taught them that showing emotion is weak, as a result, Diaval grew to be incredibly emotionless. They don't know/remember how most emotions feel.

~Diaval is in Ravenclaw.

~They are the tallest of the 4, being 6'3ft/190cm

~They love to play Quidditch and Imelda is their closest friend since they often discuss it together. Diaval plays as a Keeper.

~Diaval hates to wear their robe over their uniform, finding it uncomfortable.

I hope you all enjoyed reading about my characters. Sorry if this was long and formatted weirdly, I'm still learning to navigate Tumblr some. <3

[rachelsshowerthoughts]

Not Aware AU exactly but kinda tangential. I always toyed with this idea of "Kagami was transferred into Adrien's class when she joined the school."

This could be in S2, or be because Tomoe saw Adrien was attending school and she's got those later season machinations & sends Kagami to make sure he's not snagged by a gold digger.

(In the former case its just in S2, while in the latter it starts after Princess Fragrance.)

This was fine and fun at first, but Kagami is more willing to start shit with Chloe & much less patient with Adrien's continued softness.

Plus, Adrien can't really explain why he's fond of Chloe cos its a mixture between he can't imagine his life without her (Sibling coded) & stuff like, "She was there for me when mom disappeared & got me into school".

This leads to her at some point losing her patience and dragging both off to a classroom and basically saying "Either she needs to improve or you need to drop her, because this cannot go on."

You'd expect it to be a two on one but Adrien's efforts to play peacemaker lead to Kagami arguing with him as well.

Then when one of Chloe's major blows lands hard against Adrien, "Our parents harm more people every day than I do in a year and you still love them, hypocrites!"

It does nothing to Kagami, because she doesn't love her mother, she respects her, obeys her and fears her wrath but she doesn't love her even a little and she assumed Adrien was the same.

He is not the same & is in fact kind of defensive of his father at such a blatant rejection of one's own family and how uncomfortable it makes him.

It basically descends from there, cos I love slow burns but sometimes its just like, "Hmm what if they all started screaming their issues that they do not realize are issues at the top of their lungs?"

None of these kids know therapy talk so their languages on it is already going to be shit even before we remember literally not a one of them has much in the way of healthy communication or good social skills outside of formal events so:

So you have Chloe defending stuff like destroying Roses' letter because "That's how Mama handles it when I give her bad gifts, she's telling me to do better and one day I'll get it right!" As well as "Why would Papa want to see me when he doesn't need me for something? He's not a lunatic control freak like your parents."

Then you have Adrien defending stuff like, "I know my dads cold and has impossible standards and barely lets me do anything I want but he is protective and just wants what's best for me!" & "My mom was always kind to me, she was perfect even if she never let me go out or have a birthday either!"

& Kagami defending Tomoe with, "It doesn't matter how I feel about Adrien, or my instructions, I act as I do because it is for the good of my family. My emotions, my life don't matter at all before that duty!"

So its just three incredibly fucked up abused kids steadily airing each others and their own families laundry list of abusive traits and experiences under the pretext of saying "No my family is normal & OK yours is the bad one" and "How dare you call 'that' bad, when your parent does this!"

(Also Chloe may think Gabriel killed Emilie or otherwise would rather have Adrien sealed in amber forever than as an actual living boy,)

With this continuing until it either gets physical or they basically collapse.

Meanwhile the class is just watching in mounting horror and disgust and discomfort. (Nino is likely especially pissed) Like even with Chloe it may not justify her behavior but it puts so much of it in a new deeply messed up context where it kind of makes sense she doesn't even know how to be nice.

To quote a friend of mine:

The rich kids have taken knives to each other. They've cut open their festering wounds. The rot is exposed, scrubbed raw. While they lie angry, bleeding, crying, and dying [inside], they have the opportunity to look upon themselves once more and apply new dressings.

I can see it, but unless Gabriel is ACTUALLY out of the country, all three get Akumatized. My thoughts are a weird mix Grimm Brothers Fairytales - Cinderella, Snow White, Hansel & Gretel, etc. Not in specific, but like. More fairytale tropes?

Adrien is the "Cinderella"-style. Rapunzel, Snow White-style, "One Day My Prince Will Come"-style. The type of character that has to sacrifice and sacrifice, and will eventually be rewarded. If he does one more photo shoot, one more public appearance, *scrubs one more floor*, his father will finally love him. He'll finally have the happy ending he wants. He just has to stick it out - cause his dad DOES love him, right? (As a possession, if at all.)

Chloé is more of the "Trials"-style. Complete this mission-style. Knit twelve sweaters from nettles, and your brothers will become human again. Find the right goose, and get set free. Defeat the evil witch, and the spell is broken. If Chloé tries hard enough, does and says the right things, her parents will love her, show her affection. She'll finally be worth something. (All of it performative and shallow, until they raise the bar to another impossible height. Always keeping her dependant on them.)

Kagami, weirdly, I see as more endurance, or contract style - like a flipped version of Adrien. She isn’t really trying to "change" her situation the way Chloé or Adrien are, (for value of "trying to change it", ie, playing along with their parents games because that’s all they know to do) she's accepted this is the way it is, and is simply trying to endure it. Go through the motions. Hold up your end of the bargain. Work within the bonds of your deal, to do as little harm as you can, while still fulfilling your end. One day, you'll be out. You'll be free. (As if her mother will ever set her free.)

[goldfades]

Hamster nonnie on the computer get ready. This is a big heavy so buckle up... plz :b

Or I'm soaking your socks in pickle juice, your favorite fucking socks at that >:b.

Touching on a topic I've mentioned in the past; about how The girls are lucky the manager is the way she is.

People who have been on the team with the manager years before, make it a point to tell the freshman to "Be grateful that she's as understanding and empathetic as she is, don't take it for granted." I see the manger as someone who was doing summer training before she officially became the manger, and had some situations to deal with then and very quickly showed that she may be remorseful, but she will not put up with your shit.

I've talked about how the manager want's to be petty soooo fucking bad when the girls hurt her, or piss her off, or whatever; but she can't. She understands. Going back to the manager being an academic weapon I heavily suspect that due to the broken family she came from, she's taken Psychology classes to try and understand why. How does the brain work, why did her dad leave, why is her mom barely present.

She wanted answers so she threw herself into Psychology thinking that that was going to give her what she wanted, but quickly she realized the harsh reality of the actions of the people around her. It wasn't some chemical deficiency, It wasn't an Illness, people just sometimes are like that. This realization really took a tole on her, I feel like us as people have that realizations sometimes that people are just bad people regardless of what mentality they have. There was no excuse.

During this time she also got familiar with co existence within cause and effect:

Yes she is resilient, and she needs a break.

Yes she was sure, and things change.

Yes she forgives that person, and that does not mean acsess.

Yes others have it worse, and your pain is still valid.

Yes she gave it her all, and she needs to back up.

Yes her parent's did all they could, and their choices wounded her.

Yes she can understand the situation, your frustration, your emotions, and that does not mean that it was right to take it out on her.

And I feel like that ^ always sends the girls and even Geno into a loop. Of how understanding she it whilst also standing 10 toes down on that boundary that just because she understands, does not mean it was okay. Being stern yet caring, putting up a border for space because she needs it, but it's soft enough to touch when she's needed.

When any of the girls know they fucked up, while they may be hesitant, and sensing the aura the manger is giving them. They still feel comfortable stepping up and apologizing when they feel ready. She's build this empire of warmth and nurturing covered with fences full of thorns as a reminder of acceptance but stinging realizations.

There's that comfort but also that professional boarder that she also puts up, not to caring and kind to make it seems as though what happened was okay & they're back on good terms, but not cold and stoic enough to make it seem as through they've revived someone who is just their manager and a void of who used to be their friend.

-🐹(sorry not sorry for the angst nehhehhehhehheh)

oh my hod, you’ve done it again nonnie 😮‍💨😮‍💨 this is ABSOLUTE GOLD!!!!

she’s such a psych girly i’m so glad we agree on this because yes!!! she’s such a healthy communicator too bc she knows that if you keep it all in, it’ll blow up in your face HOWEVER she never pushes them to open up until they want to, cause she also knows that isn’t good either

I ALSO LOVE WE CAN GALK AB RHE FUNNIEST SHIT ONE SECOND AND THEN NOW WE’RE PSYCHO-ANALYZING HER ITS SO FUNNY😭😭😭😭😭😭

this entire ask is just chefs kiss 💋

[hermit-pride]

Day: 18.

Quote: (whoisthismahn)

"There’s a part of me that hates how well I can appear to be functioning, because I play the role so well that no one would ever think to question it. I want so badly to become better at connecting, but I’ve spent an entire lifetime trying to fake it till I make it, and all I get is farther and farther away from making it. Nothing comes close to bringing the comfort that solitude brings, and the older I get the worse it becomes. It took me 25 years to realize that most people actually get rewarded with feel-good feelings when they interact with other people or get things done during the day. I try my best, but deep down, every interaction I have is coated in terror.

Also, not saying this applies to your situation whatsoever, but I spent many years believing and talking to friends and therapists about what a happy, normal family I was fortunate to be apart of. My family was a very fun, hilarious family that seemingly got along well and spent a lot of time together. But the chaos and absence of any kind of emotional support was so normalized that I truly didn’t even think to question my upbringing for a long time. So much trauma was hidden in the emotional neglect, teasing, shame, fear, etc. I had to completely shut down all the emotions of my hypersensitive childhood self in order to fit in with my sarcastic family that never took anything seriously. My parents were always physically there for anything I needed, but I never truly felt connected to either of them, and I’ve only just begun to grieve that loss". End quote.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Response:

O. M. G.!! Your post is exactly my experience. My family took care of every need--except intimacy. And I never felt or learned how to respond to intimacy. An odd set of circumstances led to a family intervention that included my parents, six siblings and their spouses. My mother's next younger sister and her husband were the facilitators.

I asked my mother why I don't remember getting hugs and kisses from her. "That's because I didn't". I was and still am a sensitive child. At age six or seven I figured out that my two older brothers teased me unmercifully because they liked to get me wound up and crying. So I stopped crying (mostly) and they stopped teasing (mostly). When I was in the second grade I had a classmate named Arlene. She was spoiled rotten, whiny, and cried when she didn't get her way. She did or said something that triggered me and I slapped her across the face. I have always been gentle and never have even been in a fight. I could never understand why I slapped Arlene. But now I do since I have the benefit of beginning to understand my schizoid personality that has been "me" my whole life🤍💛.

[airteacher]

What is Tenzin like when his siblings die?

//Getting older in age and seeing your friends and loved ones pass away has got to be a surreal experience.

I assume Katara would pass away before Bumi and Kya. Plus having already experienced their father's death, Tenzin is familiar with deep grief. And at this point it's just Bumi, Kya, and Tenzin that's left of the cloud family.

When Bumi passes away, it has a huge effect on all the Airbenders, but for Tenzin, it means revisiting the grief he felt when his parents died. I think he would retreat privately for a while if he could, meditating and processing his emotions and remembering his favorite moments with his brother. Since Tenzin has spent years learning how to grow around grief, I don't think it would be difficult for him to pull himself up by the bootstraps and carry on, but it would still be a wound to his heart. You can be sure he would make even more effort to spend time with Kya. After all, it's just the two of them now.

When Kya passes away, it hits him differently than the others. He feels alone. Even though he knows that's not true -- he has his own nuclear family to lean on -- there's still a piece of him that feels that loneliness.

Now Korra is his last remaining connection to Aang. Spirits forbid, if she died before Tenzin, I don't know how he'd take it.

Bonus: Lin, I imagine, dies in the line of duty, so that's another huge blow to his heart. There's a line from Christina Perri's "back in time" that always makes me think of them: "Part of me was made by you." So much of his life was spent with her. Even though things didn't work out between them, Lin would always have a piece of his heart.

[treefey]

So, not that I want an adaptation of the Belgariad (I feel like it would not be done well at all), but I keep thinking about some small tweaks to the Merel x Barak storyline that showcase what I love about their story and to not do spousal rape.

I love this story arc because it's bitterness eventually giving way to reconciliation and love. And it showcases angsty Garion's emotional intelligence, not as much as his unwavering faith in Pol x Durnik, but he can still tell his friend is hurting and wants better for him.

BUT the narrative always states that Merel is the problem. Silk says she is a shallow woman. Polgara kind of gloats when she knows Merel is pregnant with a son and says "you had to grow up" when Merel says she didn't realize how sweet Barak is. Of course, the "not even a locked door could keep you out" (paraphrased) line. Yikes yikes yikes on spikes. The implication that Barak cheated on Merel with a lady friend in Val Alorn is also dumb.

So, the fix is actually in the scaffolding of the story. It's obvious to me that Merel was treated as a bargaining chip by her family. Her obsession with duty is because it's how she was raised as a noblewoman. She didn't have a choice in her marriage, it was a duty. Sleeping with her husband is what she is supposed to do. Barak is so in love with her, and once he realizes their marriage is nothing more than a responsibility to her, he is deeply hurt. And maybe she tried and got bitter through his bitterness, or maybe she could never hide how angry and hurt she was that her parents basically sold her off once Barak had political power.

But the thing is, I think she does kinda like him. As soon as Garion comes to Barak with information about the plot in Val Alorn, her coldness drops. What we see is a woman with a great political mind, a quick thinker who urges Barak to stop wallowing in self pity and is 100% behind him when they talk to the king. And sure, she falls back on duty almost immediately, but I think that's to cope with the fact that deep down, she likes Barak and they've been so mean to each other for so long that neither of them can admit that they actually have feelings for each other. I don't think duty alone accounts for the way she backs him, the way she immediately stops being bitter.

Also Barak explicitly trusts her with managing their estate, something that is a big deal in a v sexist Cherek, and that's not lost on Merel.

So, on to the actual fixes. If Silk still says Merel is shallow, Garion should realize that she's a deeply hurt woman used as a political pawn by her family. Sendars don't do arranged marriages that we see, so Garion says something about how lonely she must have felt, and he sees that she relies on responsibility as armor because that's all she knows, her own feelings and desires are so deeply buried. She and Barak are both deeply wounded, and whenever one of them tries to thaw a little, the other is still all hard edges so they never make any progress. I'd advise just talking out the random probably hooker in Val Alorn, but if you wanna keep her, have Barak say he's married now, turn her down flat.

And instead of the locked door line, Merel should say something like "you didn't mind when I took my martial duties seriously your first night here. In fact, you were quite enthusiastic."

It's a very small change, but huge in the implications. One, Barak is not breaking in to have sex with his wife against her will. Two, while it's not the enthusiastic consent we are used to, it's willing consent. So maybe not great by most modern standards, but it's great in the world that's been built. It also kinda implies she initiated. Three, I think it could imply that Barak still loves her and she has some affection for him. That maybe they can get along long enough to have some fun, but then reality comes crashing down and their walls come back up.

Polgara is still amused by Merel's pregnancy, but isn't as smug about it. Then in Riva instead of saying Merel needed time to grow up, she says that the birth of a son tore down the walls they built.

The other thing I'd like to be addressed subtly is why their two daughters didn't thaw their attitude towards each other. The text states that Barak loves his daughters. So their births could have theoretically been a turning point. He's taken by wonder at both of their births, no matter the societal expectation that he needs a son. But Merel feels like she's failed in her duty, and she's afraid they'll be political pawns like her one day. (Barak would never let his daughters be married off unless they wanted it. But since they never truly talk, Merel doesn't realize this.) Merel recognizes Barak's gentleness with their daughters, and thinks kindly of him for it, but it's not enough to tear down those walls. So they are still stuck in this cycle of being standoffish to one another.

When their son is born, she feels like she's finally fulfilled her martial duties. When she asks Barak if she did well, he finally reassures her that yes, she did great, he's not defensive and can't hold back all the years of tenderness and love towards his wife. And that tenderness is so obviously genuine that she believes him. And they finally repair their relationship.

(There's already enough characters in this series, but I feel like Barak chewing out his in-laws would be fun, like if they were there when he first saw Unrak and made a comment about how he must be happy Merel finally fulfilled her duty to give him a son and he flips out on them)

[maleficore]

How many references of the same damn character can I make before I get bored?

Yes.

Some design and related rambles below because I'm in A Mood

There's uhh, selfharm mentions in there on top of the typical Durge shit. Just in case anyone needs a heads up.

I keep tweaking his design every time I draw him, but I think I'm decently happy with it now? It's mainly the burn scar that has been annoying me because I both want it to unique but still somewhat fit the game texture..

I wish I knew how to mess with texture maps to make him custom ones so that all the scars in game match The Lore, but ughh learning that is way too much work.

The scar run down so far:

THE BURN SCAR is a souvenir from Cania. It covers almost the entire upper left half of his body, but on his arm it ends abruptly at the elbow because the explosion that caused it took off his whole forearm so the limb is "brand new" and therefore, scarless.

Yes, he can regrow limbs like an axolotl. However here, I think healing magic was involved too. Just because of how extensive the damage was. I'm imagining his forearm blown off and what's left of his arm charred nearly to the bone. Same with his face, his cheek was definitely gone. An absolutely terrifying image and one that's for sure seared into Gortash's brain forever.

THE VIVISECTION SCAR is Kressa's work of course, but its shape is pretty atypical for how most of the fandom does Durge's scars. The arms of the Y incision don't extend towards his shoulders and go underneath his pectorals instead. It's mostly because his organs have fuck all to do with the tadpole Kressa was studying so I headcanon those experiments to have been done purely for sexual gratification, not scientific at all. Which makes cracking open his ribcage feel like too much of a hassle to me, she can still get in there for a rummage through his stomach after all.

THE SMALL STOMACH AND CHEST SCARS are all stab wounds. I like to think they would've healed fully long ago, but Ezra subconsciously keeps that from happening because they're like mementos to him. It was... a religious/masochism thing between him and Helena. A tad messed up, but he liked her a lot okay.

THE THIGH SCARS are self inflicted. Some are cuts, some poor, frenzied attempts at flaying the skin off to maximise the pain. They start to fade and heal post tadpole because he forgot about the habit thanks to the orinbotomy, but he used to pretty much selfharm his emotions away. Sad? Pain. Affectionate? Pain. Guilty? Nothing some more pain can't fix! It started in his youth when selfharm was his only way to get some clarity of mind when the Urge started to muddy his thoughts and it escalated from there to using it for everything.

THE HAND SCAR is also of the self inflicted kind, but that one is really old. He was around 12 when he stabbed his hand out of fear that if he didn't use the knife he was given to hurt himself, he was going to cause harm to someone else. It was pretty soon after killing his foster parents so the panic was understandable, got him banned from the kitchen for years tho. The scar never faded completely because he was really weak and sickly as a kid due to not feeding the Urge, which messed with his healing abilities (amongst other things) making it stick.

THE HEART SCAR is an another old one. It's from the wound he was killed with when he transformed into the Slayer for the first time. It's symbolic and one of those scars that don't heal because he doesn't want them to. It marks the death of the person he was before Bhaal and serves as a reminder of that whole event. The paladin who killed him (a close friend and mentor actually so that's fun) ran him straight through with a sword so there's a matching scar on his back too.

Those have all pretty much always been there and the only change is the lore of the stab wound scars, though. I just felt like talking about them because I like giving those things A Story.

And since I'm already babbling, I also added some stuff!

He didn't use to have his nails painted post nautiloid, but I had the bright idea of Shadowheart seeing the remnants of chipped off nail polish and because of that offering to do them for him at some point. Probably not until act 3 when they finally reach civilization, but still!

I once mentioned in passing that he collects rings and never implemented that into his design, but here it is now! It's mostly a case of him feeling like he should wear a ring out of habit and ending up going a bit ham with it.

Old wedding band mark :) only sticks around for a bit post nautiloid and eventually disappears, but I still included it anyway for the angst. You understand.

One day I'll do a proper colour reference and decent art of his clothing to go with it, but this will do for now. I just love him so much, he can fit so much lore on him and it's driving me a bit crazy. My beloved hairy bastard man.

[jessicas-pi]

completely forgot about my medieval au when i was making incorrect quotes so here have some Incorrect Medieval AU Quotes

Omega: This is a very powerful artifact. We’ll be messing with some forces we don’t fully understand. Cal: That sounds like a dare to me.

---

Caleb: Why would you bite someone? Sabine (age 7): You weren’t there, you didn’t hear what they said to me! Caleb: What did they say? Sabine: "What are you gonna do, bite me?" Caleb: That’s fair.

---

Merrin: It's not like I try to blow things up, exactly. It just sort of happens. You've got to admit though, fire is fascinating.

---

Rex: Ahsoka! Have you no dignity? Ahsoka: Of course not! How long have we known eachother?

---

Carthage: I think we should kiss. Sabine: And I think you should die but we don’t always get what we want.

---

Ahsoka: We have fun, don’t we, Rex? Rex: I have never been more stressed out in my entire life.

---

Omega: You remind me of the ocean. Merrin: Because I'm deep and mysterious? Omega: No, because you're full of salt and you scare people.

---

Ahsoka: *about Barriss and Adenn* They make a cute couple, huh? Rex, deadpan: They certainly are standing next to each other.

---

Zeb: Ooh, somebody has a crush Caleb: Pfft, I don’t have a crush on Hera I just think she’s cool, it’s not like I stay up at night thinking about her. *Later that night* Caleb, very much awake: Uh oh

---

Ahsoka: Can I bother you for a second? Rex: You're always bothering me, but go ahead.

---

Cal: Did Merrin just tell me she loved me for the first time? Omega: Yeah, she did. Cal: And did I just do finger guns back? Omega: Yeah, you did.

---

Adenn: Punch me in the face. Skira: ...Punch you? Adenn: Yes, punch me, didn’t you hear me? Skira: I always hear ‘punch me in the face’ while you’re speaking but it’s usually just subtext.

---

Kidnapper: I have your children Hera: I don’t have children? Kidnapper: Then who’s the boy who just asked for warm milk and made me cut the crusts off his sandwich— Hera: Oh Force, you have Ezra. Kidnapper: —and the girl who headbutted me when I didn’t do it? Hera: Oh, you have Sabine, too. Okay. Good luck, you’re gonna need it.

---

Adenn: I think I'm falling for you. Barriss: Then get up.

---

*Discussing an image of a really hot knife cutting bread* Ahsoka: Imagine stabbing someone with this knife. Barriss: It would instantly cauterize the wound, so the person wouldn't bleed, so it's not very useful. Caleb: if you want information it is Cal: why would you STAB a person when you can have TOAST?

---

Ai-kel: I’m a fool, not an idiot.

---

Sabine (age 7): Why would you tell on us?! Ezra (age 5): I felt guilty. Sabine: Guilt is a trick emotion. It’s put there by our parents to stop us from doing things that feel good.

---

Korkie: I personally don't think it's possible to come up with a crazier plan. Ahsoka: We could attack them with hummus. Korkie: I stand corrected. Ahsoka: Just keeping things in perspective.

---

Ahsoka: Hey, Caleb? Can I get some dating advice? Caleb: Just because I'm with Hera doesn't mean I know how I did it.

---

Barriss: What is wrong with you? Ahsoka: Loaded question. Elaborate.

---

Sabine: Ezra and I are no longer friends. Ezra: SABINE THAT IS THE WORST WAY TO TELL PEOPLE THAT WE ELOPED!

---

Rex: Ahsoka, no. Ahsoka: Ahsoka, yes.

[gottfrieds]

Not to be obvious, but Aglovale for the character meme. I like hearing your thoughts on him

First impression: "is this guy any good?" b/c I pulled his gacha unit before I got to Frost and Flames. I tweeted this sentiment and got a "he sucked but kinda improved" from one friend and "PERCIVAL'S SHITTY BROTHER" from Lio which was confusing to say the least

I also did his first fate ep so I was like. okay so I'm getting the vibes he fucked up but is trying to be better. love that. I can feel fine putting him on my water team

Impression now: he's everything ♡

okay but to be serious I think he is one of gbf's well-written characters in his progression, backstory, actions. I love that they have a very real portrayal of grief in him, the ways it eats at you when left unhealed, the affects the fear of everyone around you would have on the psyche and how he is still unlearning some of that. how atonement is a process that doesn't just end after one big gesture, how improvement both in statecraft and in personhood is sometimes difficult and imperfect. and in all that they also managed to make it so clear that he's a doting elder brother, and also ALSO that he's definitely got some parentification to him (I swear I'm not just projecting). even small details like how his pledges in light Percy fate are the elements that ultimately lead to Herzeloyde’s death, or even how his very very funny and cute gap moe about things says so much about how isolated he became growing up. they packed SO much into this fucking guy I go insane.

Favorite moment: VERY HARD OH MY GOD but man did he truly shine to In Each His Ideal. idc that we got cheaply thrown an excuse for Grand Percy in that one, that event belonged to Aglovale and Lamorak. and while there's SO much I could say in there alone, like the moment he willingly cuts through the visages of their parents because he accepts that death cannot just be undone, even though he almost unleashed hell to try it himself like a year prior,

it's actually after that, when he finds Lamorak.

I love the display of both sheer intelligence and the clear show of love and attention in how Aglovale put together, having never even seen Lusor before, that it was Lam. because he cares and he's always been looking after his little brothers and so he remembers. and when he corners wounded Lam as Lusor he's poised like he's ready for conflict, because he is. he is cold and commanding and ready and it all snaps in a SECOND the moment he realizes his brother is hurt.

it's the way he is at Lamorak's side in a second, all the indiscretions gone from his mind because it is happening again and it cannot, he's just found the last remaining member of his family again, so he cannot die here. and he won't! it's how for all his insistence on taking the harsh road, as always, the love shines through, because he's promising everything will be okay and they'll keep him safe in Wales and they can all be together again. it's all he fucking wants and I'm so emotional

Idea for a story: this is less an idea so much as a demand but cygames show us his typical bad disguise. yukata alt sorta showed us what his "undercover" times are like and they keep confirming the headcanons that I have in fact even put in one of my fics but I wanna know so bad he's such a DORK

Unpopular opinion: I don't think he's fucking Siegfried. No, I don't think he's fucking Tor, either. also idk if it's actually unpopular or not but Aglovale is a bisexual. I know my kind.

Favorite relationship: aglomora-

but if we're sticking to canon, it's obviously gotta be the bond with his brothers, no? complicated as siblings can be, but he's so clearly been firmly ride or die for them since youth. boy was ready to sacrifice himself at least twice for them. and basically did moreso by taking on the task of being heir, since they've p much said outright Gahmuret was very strict.

tho I also wanna mention real quick I ADORE the way Lyria hits him w/the -san it's like everyone else is constantly reverent, respectful, he's the KING and Lyria comes in like "hi mr. aglovale :3" she's so cute

Favorite headcanon: [points] BISEXUAL

but if you want something I didn’t say before, we hc he has bunnies