#but I can’t turn it off I’ve been aware of this character flaw my entire life and it’s impossible

[iishmael]

I cant Sleep :( anxiety

[therecordconnection]

The Comeback Kid, the Midwest Princess, and the Shared Horrors of Online Parasocial Interaction

On September 28th, the long-running NBC sketch comedy institution Saturday Night Live will be starting its fiftieth season. In anticipation, NBC recently revealed the first five guest hosts and musical guests that will kick off the anniversary season. There are some neat combos: Jean Smart and Jelly Roll, Michael Keaton and Billie Eilish, Ariana Grande and Stevie Nicks. I haven’t followed SNL for years, but I’m sure people will enjoy those episodes.

However, the one that really grabbed my attention was John Mulaney and Chappell Roan, which is scheduled for Saturday, November 5th. On the surface, those two have absolutely nothing in common with each other, but upon thinking about it a little, I can’t think of a more apt celebrity of the current moment to pair up with Roan. Why? Because both of those two have experienced being utterly adored and obsessed over by the internet. Both of them also had to endure what happened when the internet decided to turn on them, eat them alive, and spit them back out when people were forced to stop imagining the idealized version they made up and remove them from the pedestal they were placed upon. When the internet was forced to reconcile with the fact that Mulaney and Roan are flawed, flesh-and-blood humans as opposed to the perfect and imaginary versions they invented for those people, the love and adoration for both of them stopped. I found that connection utterly fascinating.

We’ll start with Mulaney, since he’s had it bad, but nowhere near as bad as Roan has. Back in the early-to-mid 2010s, I hadn’t watched either of the major stand-up specials (New In Town and The Comeback Kid) that made him omnipresent in the culture, but I can absolutely tell you that I’ve seen every single frame from them in picture form, due to how often screenshots from those specials were posted online. Whether they were just shared as its own post or used as a response to another post, I became incredibly aware of Mulaney and the major bits from those specials. I’ve still never seen those specials, but I can quote major parts of them through pop culture osmosis alone. I remember being present for all of that.

I also remember being present for when the internet, Tumblr especially, did a complete X-Games caliber Frontside 180 on that guy in 2021. It was weird and it only made me think of the same question Thugnificent once asked on The Boondocks: Man, what did he do to make them that mad?

The answer ended up being both simple and complicated. The simple answer is that a big part of Mulaney’s stand-up persona was built on being what is known as a “Wife Guy”. His marriage to artist Anna Marie Tendler factored into the bulk of his comedy and that’s what people latched onto. This guy was super happy to tell you how great his marriage is and relay all the crazy adventures that happen in marriage. That wasn’t the only thing he based material around, but a lot of the dude’s most beloved bits had something or everything to do with his wife, their relationship, and their marital bliss. A “Wife Guy” normally uses his wife and milks that relationship in order to gain fans and get fame (there are dudes on Instagram doing this play as we speak), and that would certainly be true of Mulaney... if he wasn’t already notable for having been a writer on SNL from 2008 to 2013. He contributed to a lot of the best known sketches from that time. He was in The Lonely Island’s video for “Like a Boss.” He co-created the Stefon character with Bill Hader. He was doing stand-up long before he married Tendler, so it’s not like his entire career and source of fame is tied to her. He just got married and started writing observational comedy about married life, a thing you do when that major life event happens and you’re a comedian looking for anecdotes. Also, Tendler, it’s worth noting, was and still is an artist in her own right, both before and after her marriage to him. But since Mulaney didn’t achieve superstar status until after the specials started happening, the internet came to know him as “the guy who really loves telling you about wife and how marriage is going.”

Now, wouldn’t it be crazy if, oh I don’t know, dude ended the marriage with the woman that he wrote all of that material about at some point? That would be crazy right? Probably wouldn’t happen, right? I mean, he sounds so happy talking about her during those comedy sets! Once you’re married that’s it! That's the endgame! The Mulaney/Tendler marriage is gonna be the next Johnny and June!

I say all of that because the marriage didn’t last. Mulaney and Tendler divorced in 2021. Based on reports at the time, it didn’t sound like it was amicable...

Fans online were shocked when this happened. For a number of reasons. This is where the complicated part of the answer comes in. In 2020, Mulaney had checked himself into a rehab facility to address alcohol addiction and cocaine abuse. The public didn’t know that until he left rehab in February 2021. A few months after that, news broke that Mulaney and Tendler’s marriage would be ending after six years. Again, it didn’t sound like it was amicable, mostly due to Tendler flat out being quoted in Vanity Fair as saying, “I am heartbroken that John has decided to end our marriage. … I wish him support and success as he continues recovery.” I heard that news and had a perfectly normal reaction to it: “Damn. That sucks, but breakups happen. I’m sure they’ll be alright.” I promptly moved on after that, but some people online felt personally betrayed and thought he was a piece of shit for immediately leaving her after she had supported him through relapse and eventual recovery. I don’t know either of these people and also don’t care how two adults I don’t know choose to conduct themselves and their relationship/divorce. I just want to hear Mulaney do the bit about the guy playing Tom Jones’ “What’s New Pussycat?” on a diner jukebox some fifty-something times (with one “It’s Not Unusual” peppered in there at some point).

But the thing that really seemed to piss off fans and internet denizens came with the secret third surprise: Mulaney started dating actress Olivia Munn shortly after that divorce announcement... Oh! And also that she’s pregnant with his kid. That’s a wicked fast turnaround! There were rumors of infidelity on Mulaney’s part, but most of those rumors only really ended up being hearsay and never had much (or any) confirmation attached. But, for a moment, it looked like Mulaney was living a real life version of Usher’s “Confessions Part 2.” He and Munn got married earlier this year. Good for them.

I remember the Comeback Kid being yeeted off that pedestal at dizzying speeds as soon as all of this happened. He’s still a popular comedian, mind you, that’s one big reason why he’s gonna be a guest host on SNL (for the sixth time) in a little over a month. But I remember reading posts from people who were being Absolutely Normal About It(tm) online and voicing how betrayed they felt and how shitty he is and how he “definitely cheated on his ex-wife.” The biggest and most common genre of post I saw were from people who now thought his career was built on one giant lie, that he basically used his wife to get famous and then betrayed and dumped her when the time was right. I don’t think that’s what happened at all. A good number of comedians make anecdotes and build sets and bits around married life, Mulaney was just the white hot star of the moment getting really popular from doing that kind of thing. Plus, marriages end all the time, for any number of reasons. I don’t doubt all the anecdotes and happiness Mulaney displayed was a giant lie. He was happy, then he wasn’t, then he chose to end their marriage for whatever reason. Your neighbors and coworkers could do the exact same thing and the internet isn’t going to go insane over it. But that’s what happened! People saw “the ultimate Wife Guy” got divorced, started dating somebody new, moved on with his life, and felt like this was now just a Hollywood playboy leaving his old wife for a new model. He’s been continuing his stand-up comedy career up to the present moment and is still doing fine for himself, but I remember all of this really starting the conversation surrounding celebrity worship and how we don’t actually know these people. I know John Mulaney (Comedian), but I don’t know John Mulaney (Just a Guy in the World), you know? I also distinctly remember the word “parasocial” becoming much more present in the lexicon when all of this happened, and we’re all worse for it, because it’s now been overused to hell and it doesn’t have any of the original meaning left intact (the internet does this for every single new buzzword it learns). Watching somebody and enjoying their personality and following their career isn’t “parasocial,” but it does become that when you suddenly think said person is your friend and you think you know them better than they do. That’s when it gets weird.

Last thing on Mulaney. Apparently, all of this stuff I’ve been talking about is topical again because Anna Marie Tendler just recently released her memoir, Men Have Called Her Crazy (not the most incredible celebrity memoir title, but still a pretty good one), last month. In it, she details her mental health journey and her experiences in a psychiatric hospital after her divorce... but I’m willing to bet a good chunk of change that people will only really want to read it so they can learn about the end of her marriage to Mulaney and hope it talks about how much he sucks and how he definitely betrayed her and left her scorned. I haven’t read the book, and in all honesty I don’t have much interest in celebrity memoirs, so I think I’ll be skipping that one. I can tell you that the internet is still definitely not normal about either Mulaney, Tendler, or Munn in the slightest. The Slate article “Uh-Oh, People Are Being Weird About John Mulaney and Olivia Munn Again” did a good job at filling me in on some things regarding that strange triangle(?) and it’s worth the read if you want a more in-depth version of that whole story. The wildest part of all this is that back in Spring of last year, Munn had made the announcement that she had been diagnosed with an aggressive variation of breast cancer. She got a bunch of surgeries to combat it and as far as I’m aware, she’s doing fine! Which is good and I’m happy to hear that! The bad part is that Munn apparently announced this right around the time Tendler announced Men Have Caller Her Crazy was coming out... to quote Slate: “Most, of course, were sending Munn and Mulaney well wishes. But some distasteful posters instead saw Munn’s illness as karmic payback for Mulaney’s supposed maltreatment of Tendler. Others even found the timing of Munn’s statement to be shady, accusing her of attempting to steal the shine from Tendler’s memoir announcement.”

Positively normal one right there, guys. I highly doubt Munn waited until the perfect time to drop that bombshell on us. I doubt Munn even really cared or was even aware that Men Have Called Her Crazy was coming out. Why would she give a shit about a book written by her now-husband’s ex-wife? Does she even know who Tendler is beyond “my husband’s ex wife”?

The whole thing just reeks of reaching super hard for reasons to hate somebody that you don’t know. But hey! Speaking of hate, don’t you just hate it when your fans are really weird and don’t understand respecting boundaries and privacy? Don’t you just hate it when your fans think they’re putting pieces together and figuring things out? Don’t you just hate it when your fans make up completely preposterous things about you and act really weird about the choices you make in your life when they have absolutely zero say in how you conduct your business and relationships? You know who might be able to relate to John Mulaney in those ways? Chappell Roan. I’m sure they’d have a lot to talk about at SNL when it comes to people online being weird about them.

Let’s talk Chappell Roan, Your Favorite Artist’s Favorite Artist. The Rise and Fall of a Midwest Princess is the name of the debut album that shot Roan to fame back at the start of this past summer... but you could just as easily use it to describe the way her entire summer played out. It feels like I watched an entire three act stage play unfold in real time. Act I was the early days of summer, when I was first introduced to Roan via my sister playing me “Good Luck, Babe” and “Red Wine Supernova” for the first time. Act II began with the absolute breakneck speed at which she attained popularity in the mainstream consciousness. Every time a music festival happened this summer, news sites were quick to tell you all about what Chappell Roan did for her performance and how it went. It helped that she dressed up in wildly elaborate and different costumes every time. Some highlights include: Paying homage to drag queen icon Divine at Kentuckiana Pride, dressing as a wrestler at Lollapalooza (I lovingly called this one, “Gay Bane from Batman”), and my personal favorite, the Statue of Liberty at the Governors Ball. In a short amount of time, that woman captured the imagination of everybody. My brother and his wife are not pop music listeners in the slightest and even they were under the spell of Miss. Roan. Act II was fun and immediately set up Act III when Roan made two TikTok videos going into detail about how weird fans were becoming towards her and how she was feeling increasingly unsafe and uncomfortable with everything. She detailed a lot of upsetting and invasive behavior from fans and started a conversation about current celebrity culture, respecting boundaries, and recognizing that fans are not entitled to anything from the person they’re a fan of and shouldn’t be upset when a fan doesn’t immediately grovel and give them what they want. If for some reason you haven’t seen these two videos, you can view those here and here. The main message can be summed up like this: Leave me alone and stop being so fucking weird. (Spoiler: People are still being really weird. When the internet is told not to do something, people just do it even more.)

We’ve now reached the point in Act III where if she even says anything regarding how she’s been treated in recent months and how she feels about it, pretty much everybody will tell her some variation of, “Oh, God, just shut up and quit whining already.” Part of this stems from media outlets sensationalizing the entire thing and really only interested in the bad parts. Interviewers and reporters aren’t really interested in her music much, like they were a few months prior. Did you know that she had a great performance at this year’s MTV Video Music Awards? You might have! She came out in a suit of armor, she had a whole castle setup on stage and even made it look like it was being lit on fire! It was cool. But I’m willing to bet you heard more about her being harassed by a photographer on the red carpet and telling him to shut the fuck up after he yelled at her. Fun stuff.

We’ve also reached the point in Act III where the internet has decided to turn from overwhelming adoration and obsession to looking for any reason to despise her. You know that thing internet users like to do when they want to turn heel on a famous person? You know, that thing users do where they look for any moral reason to justify why they now hate said famous person? Even if they have to stretch more than Mr. Fantastic in order to do it? Yeah! Well, don’t worry, the internet has done that classic play with Roan as well. Take your pick! Would you like to go the route of “Is Chappell Roan actually queer or is she just appropriating drag?” RuPaul’s Drag Race Season 16 contestant Plane Jane went that route. Bold move! That was a take that landed her the coveted “Main Character on Twitter For the Day” award! If you don’t like that option, you could always go the political route with “Chappell Roan is a ‘both sides are evil’ kind of person and is actually Republican”, despite the fact that she never said that and there’s no evidence that she’s fully blue or red. Instead, she opted to advocate for the importance of voting, using your brain, and being critical of both parties; to not fall into the trappings of blind loyalty. If people actually read full articles (and if said articles were accessible to people and without fucking paywalls!) maybe people might know what Roan actually said in the Rolling Stone cover story where she talked about the upcoming election and how she isn’t publicly endorsing any candidate:

“Right now, it’s more important than ever to use your vote, and I will do whatever it takes to protect people’s civil rights, especially the LGBTQ+ community,” she tells me in August. “My ethics and values will always align with that, and that hasn’t changed with a different nominee. I feel lucky to be alive during an incredibly historical time period when a woman of color is a presidential nominee.”

She was also very adamant in a Guardian interview about paying attention to smaller places, your own city, and using your critical thinking skills when casting your vote:

“I have so many issues with our government in every way,” she says. “There are so many things that I would want to change. So I don’t feel pressured to endorse someone. There’s problems on both sides. I encourage people to use your critical thinking skills, use your vote – vote small, vote for what’s going on in your city.” The change she wants to see in the US in this election year, she says instantly, is “trans rights. They cannot have cis people making decisions for trans people, period.”

For the record, I absolutely think Roan is correct. Anybody advocating for “use your brains, people!” is a winner in my book. Neo-Liberals with terminal brain rot really don’t like when you’re critical of Democrats in any way. If you're critical of Harris or disagree with her on some things, that's healthy and perfectly. That's how you're supposed to view politicians, even the ones you may really like and may have respect for. They need to be criticized and called out when they're being foolish, which is a big reason why Roan declined the invite to the White House’s Pride event back in June. From Rolling Stone:

"Roan opted to turn down the invite, though there were some who misread what she felt was a pretty clear message. 'I saw a couple of TikToks where they were like, So she's pro Trump?' Roan's face contorts into disgust. 'It is not so black and white that you hate one and you like the other. No matter how you say it, people are still going to be pissed for fucking some reason. I'm not going to the White House because I am not going to be a monkey for Pride. And thank God I didn't go because they just made a huge statement about trans kids a couple weeks ago,' she says, referring to the Biden administration stating its opposition to gender-affirming surgery for transgender minors in June (The administration would walk back those comments a month later.)"

I can tell you this with confidence because I’ve lived long enough to see this play again and again and again. Whenever the internet turns on someone, they always make them seem like a giant flaming ball of shit, because it’s apparently not enough to just say, “I think they’re annoying” or “I really don’t care about what’s going on with them.” Going the “they have shitty politics but I don’t have credible sources for that” route is a surefire winner. And also, because I won’t get another chance to say this, for twenty years we continue to circle back around to that classic Dave Chappelle bit about caring too much about what celebrities think, citing when TRL asked Ja Rule what his thoughts, feelings, and reactions to 9/11 were in late 2001. Dave summed it up perfectly: “Who gives a fuck what Ja Rule thinks at a time like this!?” Roan herself thinks that the responsibility of voting and learning who is worthy of your vote isn't in her hands but the hands of people and fans. People twisted her words from interviews so much that she had to go to TikTok (again) and make videos clarifying that she's not publicly endorsing anybody and relying on a pop star to tell you who to vote for is a dumb move. You can watch those two videos here and here. It fucking sucks that she had to do that because, and this is just me, I thought she made herself pretty damn clear. But in the wake of the Harris campaign co-opting Charli XCX's whole "Brat Summer" meme and Taylor Swift publicly endorsing her via Instagram, I imagine Roan felt she had to make things even more clear regarding where she stands politically. I hate to break it to you, but there’s a non-zero chance that many young voters will cast their ballots for Kamala Harris specifically because Taylor Swift told them to. Anything that gets people to vote is a positive, but the blind loyalty stan culture on display from doing what a pop star fave tells you to do is not. Roan rejected that and is now getting burned for not being the made-up version of Chappell Roan that people invented. It sucks. I feel bad for her.

The online opinion and complete turn around on Chappell Roan happened almost as quickly as her rise to stardom happened. At least Mulaney had close to a decade before people online got weird and turned on him for no reason. She was completely and utterly adored and obsessed over by the masses. She was placed on a pink pedestal fit for a Midwest Princess... until she asked that people stop being so weird and to stop harassing her and making her uncomfortable. After that, the masses were forced to look at her not as Chappell Roan, the hot lesbian drag queen dressing up in elaborate costumes and doing cheers and dances to some of the best pop music of this year, but as Kayleigh Rose Amstutz, a regular human woman in her mid-twenties who has had her life completely turned upside down and is just trying to keep up with the giant wave she’s riding; a woman who is now being called “entitled” and “ungrateful” all because she demanded there be boundaries between musician and fan, which is a normal thing for people to ask for and have respected.

Time is a flat circle, history repeats, and part of me can’t help but wonder if Mulaney and Roan are being paired together as host and guest on SNL on purpose specifically because somebody noticed their experiences with weird fans that don’t understand boundaries or speculate and make shit up about them is exactly the same in some regards. All of it sucks and it shouldn’t happen, famous or not, but there’s at least some positive aspects to find here. John Mulaney is doing fine. People are still weird about him online sometimes, but his career isn’t hurting and he seems happy and content with Olivia Munn and their toddler son. Good for him. Chappell Roan has had many other pop star women reach out to her to voice their support, check in on her, and express that she isn’t in the wrong at all for asking for boundaries and asking that people stop their weird behavior. She’s apparently bonded with Sabrina Carpenter in recent days, that other pop star that shot into the stratosphere this past summer and is trying to handle the massive amounts of fame that came with it. I think that’s nice. From what I’ve seen, Carpenter seems like a nice gal. I’m happy those two have each other to confide in and relate to. I hope it helps both of them, but especially Roan, considering that it just got announced that she’s been diagnosed with severe depression, which isn’t shocking to me in the slightest and shouldn’t be shocking to you, given what she’s been through as of late.

As for where the Chappell Roan story is headed, she is up for the Album of the Year Grammy this coming year, but has expressed that she doesn’t want to win it: “I’m kind of hoping I don’t win, because then everyone will get off my ass: ​‘See guys, we did it and we didn’t win, bye!’ I won’t have to do this again!” I totally get that. If she wins, I kinda hope she pulls a Bo Burnham and doesn’t even go to the show. What I want is for her to disappear for five years and come back with the weirdest, most off putting Kate Bush/Bjork/Mitski-ass album ever conceived and just use it as a test to see who the real fans are. If not that, my hope is that her happy ending is in the Carly Rae Jepsen route, where the world at large only remembers her for her own “Call Me Maybe” (I don’t know what the Chappell Roan equivalent would be) but a dedicated cult of online pop music nerds prop her up, keep her working and, more importantly, keep her as happy and as (moderately) famous as she’d like to be, if at all. That’s my hope for her. Fame is a real bitch and I hope once the wave finally dies, she ends up being okay. Pop music has enough dark and twisted stories to tell until the final embers go out. Roan doesn’t need to be one of those dark stories and I hope she isn't. I hope she has a good time on SNL. Maybe she’ll get to meet John Mulaney. Maybe they can chat about how weird people on the internet are towards them. Maybe she’ll find another famous person who has been there and understands and cares. That would be nice.

Good luck, babe.

[anxious-reblogger]

… Ace is still one of the few we don’t know the unique magick of… y’all remember what Heartslabyul is based off of? Alice in Wonderland.

Y’all remember how Alice in Wonderland ended? What it turned out to be? A dream.

I’m not entirely proud of my last original post on this account, it has its flaws, I will admit. But I think it was predicted by a majority of the fandom that Malleus would put, well, a LOT of people to sleep.

I can’t read the JP version and I’ve only seen bits and pieces of translations, so please forgive me if I say something against what is established so far.

Anyways. Alice in Wonderland, the first dorm we really come into contact with, the dorm that are first friend is in… in the original Alice’s Wonderland turned out to be a dream.

And what are we all trapped in? A dream. Ace I believe is the only one to not have had his unique magick revealed this far besides some of the Diasomnia group.

Apparently we’re getting some new titles eventually when we get 10 of a character’s cards.

I don’t really know how to do links, but, uh, here.

Those have all the new titles regarding the 10 character thing. Anyways. What’s Ace’s title? “Trump Card of Hearts”

———

trump1

/trəmp/

noun

(in bridge, whist, and similar card games) a playing card of the suit chosen to rank above the others, which can win a trick where a card of a different suit has been led.

a valuable resource that may be used, especially as a surprise, in order to gain an advantage.

noun: trump card

———

Aces in card games usually (as far as I’m aware) represent/are worth either the greatest or the least in points/value/power. It would be surprising if ACE, the lovable idiot, were to somehow be our trump card in dealing/handling Malleus’s OB. It would certainly be unexpected. And it may very well give them an advantage.

Ace has seemed to always be a troublemaker, why would this be any different? What will he do when he realizes he’s in a dream? Well. [It] is [his] dream, [he’ll] decide where [he goes] from [there]. Right?

I’m not sure what Ace’s UM may be, not really any clue, but I have a feeling it’ll be really helpful for us. That he’ll be our Trump Card of Hearts.

What a long sleep [we’ll] [have] had.

Such curious dream.

[irrealisms]

c!Tommy is annoying (and that’s important)

I have... a lot of feelings about c!Tommy in s2, from the start of the exile conflict through the Green Festival. I also think the fandom tends to mischaracterize him--I know I’m guilty of this, and as a c!Tommy lover I’ll be mostly addressing a thing that I and other people who love his character don’t focus on as much--which makes me sad because the aspects of his character that tend to get glossed over are also some of the ones that are most personally meaningful to me. (rest of the post is /rp, because “c!” gets annoying to type.)

Specifically: Tommy is loud. He’s abrasive. He’s annoying. He threatens, he griefs, he steals. He lies, blatantly, all the time. He tends to be self-centered (despite being deeply selfless). He lashes out at people who are trying to help him.

He is, in short, a bad victim.

And this is precisely what makes him vulnerable. 

Some people on the server were opposed to and sad about exile, sure. But a lot of people? Thought it was funny, that it was natural consequences, that it was deserved. Sapnap came and laughed, Technoblade came and laughed, Lazar came and laughed, Quackity came and laughed. Now, we don’t know what would have happened if Ranboo was the one being isolated and abused; maybe it would be the same. But I don’t think it would have been. A lot of characters have issues with Tommy or simply find him unpleasant to be around, and I would imagine that a significant number of them were probably, on some level, kind of relieved that he wasn’t their problem anymore. To be clear, I don’t entirely blame them for this! Tommy is... a lot, and they (mostly) didn’t know the full extent of what Tommy was going through. Even those of them that tried to visit with good intentions often got their gifts burned and called “pity gifts”, got insulted or yelled at by Tommy, etc.--or in Jack Manifold’s case, actually killed! The first time I watched the leadup to exile arc, I found Tommy difficult to sympathize with at first--he lied to L’Manberg before his trial; he refused to cooperate with probation while he was on it, even though Tubbo was pushing for it as an alternative to exile; at the beginning of exile, he would sometimes log on to visitors, drive them away, and then complain that he was lonely. As much as it’s obviously ultimately Dream’s fault, it’s easy to look at Tommy and not feel much sympathy for his position or feel that it’s partially self-made. It’s easy for outsiders to look at a Tommy who isn’t stealing, isn’t griefing, who is comparatively quieter, who isn’t their problem anymore, and be relieved rather than concerned. 

Exile arc makes it obvious that they’re wrong.

(Incidentally, I have a lot of sympathy for what Dream’s going through in the prison.)

And not only are they wrong, but exile makes the consequences of this painfully, horrifyingly clear: the abuse gets worse, Tommy gets more and more depressed, and at the climax of it all Tommy attempts suicide. 

(Although notably to me, he’s not the stereotypical victim during exile arc, either--he doesn’t cry on stream, he’s still trying to make dumb jokes, he’s not strategic, he refuses to listen to people, he switches wildly between fight and fawn responses without much correlation with who he’s talking to or how he’s being treated.)

Tommy’s recovery arc, after all of this, starts with him stealing valuables from Technoblade, building a secret basement underneath the existing basements, and then loudly asserting that it’s his house and Technoblade is trespassing.

I could talk about how these things are rooted in trauma. I could talk about how his constant eating of golden apples comes after a period of food insecurity, appetite/disordered eating problems, and physical abuse. I could talk about how he’s regained some of his energy after a period of depression but has nowhere to let it out in a small basement room. I could talk about how he repeatedly annoys Technoblade--quite probably the best PVPer on the server--perhaps in part as a test of how far he can go before he gets abused again, and in part as a sign that he feels safe enough to be annoying without being abused.

But that’s... not the heart of it, at least not to me. The heart of it is that before exile, Tommy would have stolen from Technoblade without a second’s thought, and during exile, Tommy didn’t steal from Technoblade because “Dream wouldn’t like it”, and afterwards, he steals from Technoblade again. 

Sure, he’s being annoying. But more importantly, he’s being himself again. Before exile, I might have rolled my eyes, because Technoblade worked for those potions and golden apples and armor and so on, and Tommy’s totally ruining his chest organization system. After exile? I cheered. Tommy’s being Tommy again. And, yeah, that means that he’s being annoying, he’s stealing, he’s ruining dramatic moments. So what? None of that stuff is actually all that bad, in the grand scheme of things. He’s not depressed, he’s not suicidal, he’s not being abused. He’s a teenager and he’s having fun. Technoblade will tease him for it, but he won’t hit Tommy, won’t take his stuff, won’t threaten him, won’t isolate him any further. That’s what a proportionate response to finding Tommy annoying looks like: teasing. 

I’d also like to address one more thing, which... I couldn’t figure out how to fit in the rest of the post, but it felt incomplete without it. Right before the meeting that ends with Tommy pulling out Spirit, Tommy asks everyone what the plan is, and is basically told that the plan is for him to be quiet. He says “you guys, please, for the love of God, you know I’ve watched for this long, I’m not going to be quiet.” He reiterates this throughout the conversation: he can try to be quiet, but it is not, ultimately, as easy for him as “be quiet”. This is also the source of Tubbo’s anger at him-- Tommy can’t do “one simple thing” for him. I’m not claiming Tommy is neurodivergent, but... as a neurodivergent person, Tommy repeatedly saying “I cannot do this thing that is simple for you, I can’t, empirically every time we have tried this in the past it has failed, if you make more plans based on that then they will also fail, have you met me” and having this seen as evidence of me not caring or trying... resonated with me. Which isn’t to say it’s not a flaw--almost all character traits can be flaws in the right (or, well, wrong) situations--but it does show that Tommy has some level of self-awareness about his flaws, which is something I appreciate about him, and it frustrates me when that goes unacknowledged. Tommy knows he’s annoying. He jokes about it. But he can’t actually... turn it off. Whether or not he should (and I would argue that he shouldn’t have to) isn’t even in question: he can’t. This is who he is. The only time we see him less loud and more capable of being obedient is exile, when he’s severely depressed and being abused. That’s fascinating to me, as a character trait!

In my experience, there’s a specific archetype of abuse victims in fiction that is... overrepresented. I can’t quite find the words to talk about it in a way that doesn’t technically include Tommy, but... the ways Tommy is important to me is the ways that (a) he doesn’t fit that archetype (b) not fitting that archetype makes him more vulnerable to abuse. He’s not always easy for other characters to talk to or sympathize with... which makes him uniquely easy to isolate and victim blame. That’s important. I think I tend to downplay Tommy’s annoying tendencies because I want to emphasize his sympathetic traits, and that’s fine, but it’s important to me that... Tommy’s a victim, and he’s annoying. Annoying people can be victims just as much as shy rule-followers can. Not only that: Tommy’s a victim in part because he’s annoying. Him being annoying is a risk factor for abuse, not an excuse for it.

[vizowrites]

“We” vs “Me”| or “Why BlitzStrike Works So Well For Me But Stolitz [as of episode 6].....Doesn’t”

Alright my Loves, so I said that I was going to talk in further detail about my feelings regarding Stolas and the multi-layered portrayal of his relationship with Blitz in the new episode, and today’s the day where that happens!!  First of all, though, before I really get into my feelings about things, I want to just make it ABUNDANTLY clear that I’m not trying to sway anyone from one side to the other, or trying to shame anyone for shipping two fictional characters.  I’m fully in the boat that you are completely entitled to ship whoever you want, but I also think it’s wise to at least be able to recognize the faults and flaws in a pairing--and especially to be able to recognize them in the context of an IRL relationship.  In this analysis in particular, I’m specifically focusing on these two relationships within the realm of the Helluva Boss universe [......Hell] and within the specific context of their characters as they’ve been portrayed in the show thus far.  And, my biggest disclaimer of all: I’m doing this for no other reason than I felt like putting my jumbled thoughts together into a cohesive post so that they don’t have to stay bouncing and buzzing around in my head.  Please keep that in mind that this is just pure personal opinion and interpretation before anyone comes at me with torches and pitchforks.  <3 <3 

SO WITH THAT LONG ASS DISCLAIMER OUT OF THE WAY 

Let’s finally get to the good stuff.  And the not so good stuff.  :D

So I don’t think it’s a surprise to anyone who follows me here that I’m a huge BlitzStrike fan.  What I think fewer people know is that when I first entered the fandom a few months ago, I actually was on board the Stolitz train like so many others that I’ve met here in the fandom.  Naturally Stolitz was the first major pairing I was introduced to, and I did find both the characters of Blitz and Stolas incredibly interesting and compelling in their own rights AND saw the potential in how they could really come to grow into one hell of a relationshp over time.  I was honestly really excited to see it happen, too.  

And then I watched Episode 5 [still my favorite episode, btw] for the first time and had this sudden question hit me like a truck that even now is still relentlessly burning in the back of my mind because I still haven’t found a legitimate answer for it: Why in the FUCK wasn’t Blitz falling head-over-heels in attraction to Striker throughout this fucking episode??

And I don’t mean that in a “They’re so hot and I ship them now why didn’t they get together?? DX DX” kind of way--I mean that in the genuinely perplexed “I don’t understand based on what has been presented to me thus far about Blitz as a character and the storyline overall why he’s reacting so nonchalantly to this whole thing”.  To Note: This is me wondering this from the context of what’s in the show itself, not from any extra fan materials like the Instas or Twitter or just straight up knowing that the most likely answer is that there are people on the creative team that ship Stolitz really hard and realistically wouldn’t have probably written Blitz as being attracted to Striker because that would just be--to quote Jack Sparrow--blowing holes in their own ship.  No, this is me disregarding ALL of that and trying to rationalize this with myself from the perspective of a fan whose entire knowledge of the show and its characters comes exclusively from what’s in the episodes themselves.  .....And that’s where I just can’t find my answer, except for the Stolitz positive “He’s not attracted to Striker because he’s in love with Stolas” answer.  Which really doesn’t even feel like a satisfying answer, because the entire vibe I’ve gotten from Stolitz in the show has just felt.....strangely.....off.  Like, the framework is there and the elements are there, but I’d felt as though they had so far to go still that it would be entire SEASONS before they got there.    

And THEN the new episode [Episode 6] came out and I’d heard a handful of fans going crazy because the show was finally addressing Stolitz in full, and I thought to myself, “Well, maybe if the show really is going to go with saying that the reason Blitz wasn’t interested in Striker is because he’s in love with Stolas.....sure.  I’m curious to see how they finally establish it in an episode, especially since there’s only two more episodes left in the entire first season.”  And then I watched the episode.  And then it hit me why Stolitz just does not do a damn thing for me but BlitzStrike does despite the fact that we’ve had 4/6 episodes [5/7 if you count the Pilot] of Stolitz but only 1/6 [1/7] of potential--not even canonical--BlitzStrike:

When Striker talks about Blitz, or interacts with Blitz, he always talks about them as a “we”.  As a team.  A partnership.  OR he just straight up puts the entire focus on Blitz and his accomplishments and keeps himself out of it entirely.

When Stolas talks about Blitz, he always talks about them within the context of “me”--of himself--of what Blitz does or should do for him.  Even here in episode 6, in the most “selfless” instance we’ve seen yet, where he does ask about Blitz’s safety first BEFORE going right back into how Blitz’s actions affect him and what Blitz should be doing in response for him.  Stolas’s focus is always automatically set to himself--and even when it comes to the people he supposedly loves the most.  

To explain what I mean here, let me give some examples directly from the show itself, starting with the Stolas side of things: 

Episode 1

Blitz, in the middle of trying to hide so much that he actually clamps both of his hands over his mouth just to muffle the sound of his own breathing, knowing damn well that this psychotic bitch who already shot him once won’t hesitate to do it again if she finds him.....gets a call from Stolas.  Stolas, who we clearly see from his leisurely hang out time in his bubble bath, is literally watching this happen and is fully aware that calling Blitz right then was potentially putting him in danger. But what does he say when he gets Blitz on the phone?  He offers--not help--but Blitz the use of his book in exchange for monthly sex.  Stolas literally uses Blitz’s peril as leverage here--consciously or not, though given the fact that he knows the situation at hand, I’d find it very hard to argue that he didn’t do this on purpose--just to get him to agree to be his bootycall until further notice.  

Stolas not only doesn’t lift a finger to help Blitz once in all of this--even at the moment where he and Millie are about to be shot in the face--but instead continues to stay on the phone talking about all of the things he wants for their upcoming future rendezvous.  He already got exactly what he wanted out of this and he still just continues to go for more for himself.

Episode 2

.....There are honestly so many fucked up things that happen here as far as Stolas and his relationship with Blitz goes but honestly the thing I want to draw the MOST attention to is actually Stolas’s storyline with his daughter, Octavia.  I know it’s a little left field, but bear with me--this is actually something I want to use as comparison for Stolas’s relationship to Blitz as we go along:

When Stolas first decides that he’s going to take his daughter to Loo Loo Land, he does so while completey setting aside the fact that she doesn’t want to go.  He just offers her assurances that it’s going to be so much fun because he remembers that she loved it so much when she was a little girl--effectively putting his memory above her wishes even as she’s sitting right there and telling him that she doesn’t enjoy the idea of going now.  

Stolas doesn’t actually notice just how uncomfortable he’s making Octavia throuhought their entire trip by spending his time sexually harassing paying more attention to Blitz than he is trying to cheer her up.  This tells me that Stolas--though I do believe he genuinely wanted to do something to make her happy--still wasn’t able to completely overcome his own self-centered tendencies at first even when it’s for her.  And this is the person that Stolas loves more than anyone or anything else in the entire world. It still wasn’t enough.

It’s only when Octavia runs off and completely breaks down that Stolas finally gets the much needed slap-to-the-face of reality to understand just what he’s putting his daughter through--and, for the first time in the entire show, he actually puts someone else’s needs and well being above himself.  It’s the one solid honest display of love that we see from Stolas in the entire show--and it’s how we as the audience come to learn that that’s how Stolas shows that he loves someone: When he puts their needs above his own with no strings attached or expectations of something in return.  A true selfless act just because he loves them.  **Keep in mind the parallel of Stolas carrying Octavia out of Loo Loo Land at the end, and how it compares to Stolas carrying Blitz out of D.H.O.R.K.S headquarters.

Episode 5

The. Fucking. Cigarette.  I had no idea that something so small and quick would be able to infuriate me as much as it did, but the fact that Blitz used the post sex cigarette to free Stolas from his wrist bondage but then Stolas turned around and put the cigarette out on Blitz’s horn which is literally a part of Blitz’s body just.....honestly it sums up exactly what I’m trying to get across in this entire huge ass post: Stolas only ever thinks of himself first and anything pertaining to anyone else just doesn’t cross his mind at all unless you blatantly put it there in front of his face.  And the fact that he’s still at this point with Blitz all the way here in Episode 5 is not.....promising for their relationship.

The fact that Stolas literally cannot stop himself from calling Blitz “Blitzy” or talking to him in such a condescending way no matter how frustrated Blitz gets and how many times he asks him to stop.  I just--how is that supposed to be interpreted as someone talking to a person that they love?  There’s no respect or dignity given to Blitz at all on Stolas’s part, and the fact that it seems to be presented as a “Oh teehee it’s just their cute couple thing” is just.....I really, really don’t like that.  It also doesn’t match with the Stolas in the very next episode which I quite frankly think is because the creators have been listening to the feedback from fans and were like “We need to SHOW THEM that Stolas actually does speak to Blitz respectfully!!” but that’s just my personal opinion there and, also, it still didn’t happen.  

Episode 6 

Keeping in mind that THIS is finally the episode where we see Stolas actually save Blitz from danger and demonstrate even the slightest inclination towards his well-being.....I think that honestly makes the next few things here even more fucked up

First and foremost: “WE”.  The second after Stolas asks if Blitz is alright and gets the assurance that he is, he roughly grabs his cheek and points out that “If you get in trouble, I get in trouble!  WE don’t want that”.  The fact that this is the first time that Stolas ever talks about Blitz in the context of “we”--when really what he’s really saying is that him [Stolas] getting in trouble is going to be a bad thing for all of them--is just.....so, so disappointing.  At least with this I could hope that perhaps the idea here is that Stolas is genuinely afraid that if he gets in trouble, he won’t be able to protect Blitz from the undoubtedly much worse trouble that he would be in as an imp, but still.  The fact that Stolas immediately reverts back to his self-centered perspective so quickly after supposedly being so worried about Blitz’s wellbeing, really makes it seem as though it’s just his own ass that he’s trying to protect.  And that.....isn’t  exactly what I’d been expecting from “the episode that confirms Stolitz is canon” feedback I’d been hearing.

"Am I going to get ANY thank you for the rescue Bltizy?”  This for me was kind of what actually lead to me having this whole epiphany over Stolas’s selfish perspective in the first place.  I realized that even here--even when he’s just been the most “romantic” towards Blitz that he’s ever been in any previous episodes up until now [and yes this shift in his character was incredibly jarring for me because of that]--Stolas still goes right back to thinking about what he’s going to get out of this now that he knows Blitz is safe.  Let’s take this back to that thing I was saying about Episode 2 and comparing how Stolas rescued Octavia and how he rescues Blitz.  Obviously they’re going to be different because it’s Stolas’s daughter vs his hook up BUT just think about where the focus is for Stolas in both of these scenes.  With Octavia, Stolas is entirely focused on making things up to her--taking her to do something she wants to do--even if it’s something that he himself doesn’t fully understand or isn’t fully into.  That doesn’t matter though, because the entire point is that he’s doing something just for her.  It doesn’t have to be about him.  But now go back to the scene where Stolas is carrying Blitz out of the room.  What does he do?  Ask what Blitz is going to do for him.  That just takes the idea that this scene was a confirmation of their love and throws it right out the window.  Stolas--as we’ve been shown before--would never ask for something in return from someone that he actually loves.  

Now let’s take a look at the one and only episode we have of Striker and Blitz interacting together, with an honorary shout out at hallucination!Striker’s appearance in Episode 6: 

Episode 5: 

Striker knows Blitz’s name.....and he uses it.  He’s literally the ONLY other character that we’ve seen so far refer to Blitz as “Blitz” instead of “Blitzo” or “Blitzy” by someone who wasn’t a member of I.M.P..  Aka someone who wasn’t a member of Blitz’s family.  He shows Blitz respect at that basest level, and only builds on that from there going forward.

Striker first recognizes Blitz for being “the bold imp that started his own killin’ biz”.  Not his hotness, not his skills in the Harvest Moon games because at that point he hasn’t seen them yet.....but for his accomplishment in starting up his own successful business down in Hell.  He treats it as an accomplishment.  With the kind of respect that comes with acknowledging another person for their accomplishments.  Right there, within two seconds of meeting him, Striker demonstrates more respect for Blitz than Stolas has yet to do in the entire show.

The Harvest Moon Festival Games.  Now this is something I find fascinating to think about from Striker’s perspective in particular.  We as the audience are shown pretty early on that Striker has a strong desire to be the one who comes out on top.  He likes the idea of being superior and he openly relishes in the praise and attention he gets for being better than everybody else.  ....Except Blitz.  When they tie in the games, Striker doesn’t seem bothered with sharing the spotlight with him at all.  If anything, he--again--respects just how skilled Blitz is in rightfully earning his place beside him on the stage.  That, to me, is HUGE.  I’m not going to go so far as to say that Striker necessarily sees them as equals because I think that might be going a bit too far for his ego but he does still fully acknowledge that Blitz is in the same general class as him: that is to say, better than most.  Worthy of the same kind of acknowledgement and praise that Striker gets.  I literally can’t get over just how big of a thing that is for what we’ve been shown of Striker’s character, and I think it’s unfortunately something that’s incredibly easy to miss or gloss over. :(

And now--for what I personally think is the most significant thing of all--we have: “We”.  How many times does Striker suggest during that final scene between them that he really wants Blitz to join forces with him as equals?  He never demands that Blitz join up with him, he doesn’t threaten him into joining up with him--Striker barely even hurts Blitz at all during their fight scene compared to how he tried to straight up murder Moxxie--and, most of all, Striker continues to acknowledge that Blitz deserves better than his current arrangement with Stolas.  And he’s right.  But instead of putting it as “I’M right and this is why you should do this”, he always puts his focus on Blitz himself, or the two of them together as a partnership:  “You are so above sucking on a a digusting rich pompous Goetia” | “We could be the most dangerous beings in Hell, Blitz” | “You could partner up with me and klll the unkillable--starting with the one that treats you like a plaything”.  It’s just--I honestly can’t believe it’s taken me this long to put together why Striker appeals so much more to me as a romantic interest for Blitz, but really breaking it down episode by episode and comparing the differences in wording between Striker and Stolas’s dialogue when it comes to Blitz is just.....holy shit. 

Honorary ShoutOut of Episode 6: 

The fact that the only thing hallucination Striker has to say to him is “But you don’t want to do things alone Blitzo!” is really, really interesting to me in the fact that he’s.....not......wrong??  Like, To be fair, Striker, RoboFizz, and Verosika all spill their harsh truths, but the thing is.....Striker’s is markedly different in that his wording really isn’t harsh or aggressive at all the way the other two are.  He’s just kinda stating a fact in an overexaggerated way because tripping balls hallucination sequence.  It’s very interesting to me that that’s the worst that Blitz can imagine him to say--as well as the fact that halluci!Striker calls him “Blitzo”, which is really weird considering that Striker’s never called him “Blitzo” once in the entire show.  Makes me kinda wonder where that came from tbh. 

Alright so, in conclusion of this very long and rambly styie post: I want to take things back to where I started by reiterating that this is not me trying to convince anyone that BlitzStrike is “right” and Stolitz is “wrong”, or that you should stop shipping what you’re shipping in the fandom.  This was just me honestly getting way more excited than I should’ve been over having my “Eureka!” moment for realizing why this new episode didn’t put me back on the Stolitz train like it did for so many other people--and why, in fact, it actually made me think even more favorably of the idea of Blitz and Striker being together.  

Thanks for sticking around with me for this very long read, I hope you found it interesting, and I really really hope that it didn’t piss anyone off or rub too many people the wrong way.  Like I said at the beginning, ship who you want to ship!!  That’s part of the fun of being in a fandom.  I’m just hoping that this might help make it easier to understand at least one perspective on why Stolitz is seen as being so problematic as a ship [as of where they are right now].  

Here’s to seeing where things go from here!! 

[kinatalks]

Let’s talk about DiaLuci.

Look, this isn’t a judgement call. This is merely a flat out explanation and something that should be recognized. There will be a few S2-3 spoilers, but it’s mainly vague, not going into details.

Be aware: This covers sensitive topics regarding the ship, toxic behaviors, abusive relationships, and the angel event.

Firstly, if you support DiaLuci, good for you! I’m not here to shame someone for their ships. But this fandom has a habit of attacking others who aren’t so fond of this ship. Someone can like Diavolo, and not support Dialuci. You can support Lucifer, and not like Dialuci. Or hell, you could dislike either/or both characters and fucking love the ship! No matter which character or ship you like or dislike, you are completely valid.

But this is a post, about the issues with the ship that I personally see, and why it should be more outspoken.

Now lets get to the point of the subject, shall we?

I fairly like Diavolo. He’s charming, joyous, and someone who would be the star of a party. Someone cheerful and bright. However, the way that this fandom persecutes anyone who doesn’t like Diavolo or feels uncomfortable around him is not ok.

In my opinion, Diavolo has shown signs of immature and insensitive behavior. I.e. the way he treats others like toys. Yes, he cares about them, but often doesn’t consider their feelings in things he considers ‘mere pranks.’ This may be because Barbatos constantly assures him that the future will be fine, since Barbatos can manipulate and choose timelines.

He wants the best for the people around him, but doesn’t exactly take criticism or resistance to his advances kindly. “Well duh, he’s a ruler!” So? Yes, he’s a ruler, but that doesn’t mean he should be inconsiderate about others around him. The fact that he disregards others opinions unless it fits his agenda, is a sign of his childishness.

Which means, that over time, Diavolo doesn’t hold much regard to his actions, as Barbatos is always there to catch him. Now that doesn’t mean he constantly is reckless. When it comes to official Devildom matters, Diavolo is an apt ruler, who makes decisions for the Devildom’s best interests.

The problem is, no one has told Diavolo about his less than savory behavior. Because they fear him, and fear the punishments he could inflict upon them. So I can’t really say that he’s a completely bad character.

He wants Lucifer to be his equal, and acknowledge the fact that Diavolo sees him as an equal. Diavolo’s lonely, and it’s explicitly stated as so. He envies the closeness the brothers have. So, he goes about it in the only way he knows how. Which we’ll get to a bit later.

As for Lucifer, I can’t deny I’m quite fond of him. He does his best to overcome his pride for MC, and gradually (in S2-3), he becomes more open with his feelings. Yes, he’s a deeply flawed character, but he’s not a complete villain. The world simply isn’t as black and white as some would like it to be.

Yes, his relationship with some of his brothers is toxic. The way he treats Mammon at times is unacceptable, and possibly abusive in my opinion. The fact that he acts cold and distant to his brothers at times isn’t ok. But one thing I’ve seen others overlook, is that Lucifer is the Avatar of Pride. Does this excuse his actions? No. Does it explain some of his habits? Yes.

Don’t get me wrong, he still has a lot to work on. But he’s getting there, and actively trying to get better.

Now for the ship.

You do not need to like a ship, just because a character from that ship is constantly seen with the partner. Like I’ve said above, you can hate or love Diavolo or Lucifer, and dislike/like the ship.

As for the oath, I won’t delve too deep into this, as it would take essays upon essays worth of information. But we all know that, Diavolo had given Lucifer an ultimatum. Save Lilith, at the cost of Lucifer’s unquestionable loyalty.

Which as we’ve seen, Lucifer had agreed to the terms. And so, he is now Diavolo’s most trusted advisor, his right hand man.

Even though Diavolo says or implies that he sees Lucifer as an equal. He doesn’t always seem to show it. The power imbalance in between both characters is evident, throughout the plot of the story. If Lucifer denies Diavolo’s advances, Diavolo will continue. Why?

Well, you could argue that his behavior is due to him being royalty. Which is true, he’s royalty, and has never been told no. Barbatos has always been there, fixing his mess, so why would he need to worry?

Diavolo praises Lucifer, in a manner that is clearly uncomfortable to the latter. It’s evident that Lucifer despises being praised for his beauty, and just his looks. I’ve seen blogs see it as ‘just a joke’ or ‘being playful’. But time and time again, Lucifer has denied these advances, very obviously disliking the attention and focus on his looks.

But Diavolo continues, and in his defense, you could say, ‘because Lucifer doesn’t say that he’s uncomfortable!’. It’s very obvious that Lucifer isn’t an equal to Diavolo, no matter how much the latter insists he is. We’ve seen Diavolo brush off other’s discomfort at his actions, and we’ve seen him continue.

Diavolo is not evil. This is quite clear, even though he may be suspicious to some. However, his relationship tactics and methods of relationships have toxic, and quite possibly abusive effects.

For example. The angel event.

We all know, that the bangles controlled the 7 avatars, turning them all into angels. Their outfits, and minds, were taken over. The brothers, (excluding Satan.) had gone through traumatic events in these outfits, that’s for sure.

The celestial war, and losing Lilith, all were incredibly traumatizing events forever affecting their mindsets from that day forward. The bangles attempted to brain wash them, and we can see it when Satan states that he doesn’t feel like himself, that he felt calm.

But you might think, “But being calm is great! Isn’t that what he always wantd?’. Not quite.. All Satan had known before was wrath, and being calm completely took away an important part of him. Even though Satan had always resented his wrath, his sin, he had felt like a part of himself was miserable without it. He wasn’t himself, and felt as if he were being forced to be calm, something he loathes.

In all of the brothers, we can see that they are clearly distressed, and may come out of this situation traumatized. 

Lucifer is no exception. We saw how visibly upset he was, the fact that the snow-white wings on his back gave him a constant reminder of the war and Lilith, throughout the entire ordeal.

What was Diavolo doing this entire time? He was being provided entertainment, and reveled the sight before him. He enjoyed seeing the brothers in their angelic uniforms, where they had fought with tooth and nail for their sister, and who knows what else. He enjoyed the fact that the brothers were having angelic ideals forced inside their heads.

And when someone speaks up against him? He’s passive aggressive about it, until the person opposing him gives up, begs for forgiveness, or embarrasses themselves.

While criticism of any of the characters is deemed valid and peachy in this fandom. I haven’t seen any criticism of Diavolo that wasn’t met with backlash and intense hounding. Lucifer, Satan, Belphegor, have all been criticized, but has the majority really deemed those opinions as invalid? No. We can all see why those arguments are valid, and people have their own reasons.

Hell, we’ve all seen people Lucifer left and right. And you know what? They’re completely valid! Some people may have triggers/squicks in regards to his behavior, and it’s completely understandable.

But the moment someone criticized Diavolo, we see fighting and targeting. The person who speaks up gets pushed down and insulted, until they either give up, or agree. If you like Diavolo, good for you, you’re valid! If you don’t, you’re completely valid!

Now back to the ship. Apologies for getting off topic, but oftentimes, when Diavolo and Lucifer are mentioned separately, they’re roped together.

Abusive/toxic relationships aren’t always one where the abusive/toxic partner is an outright terrible person. Oftentimes, they come with charm, a dazzling smile, and friends that would fight tooth and nail for them.

Diavolo has Lucifer in an....uncomfortable position to say the least. In power dynamics, that is. Lucifer is constantly embarrassed publicly and privately by compliments, and Diavolo knows this. He’s demeaned by the oath, and as for work, Diavolo often adds to it, just for fun. I.e, leaving the Devildom to come to the human world, leaving his responsibilities behind.

“But he’s lonely!” Yes, and? He is lonely, yes, but there is a time and place for fun, and time and place for work. He is going to become a King, and if he puts all this responsibility and stress on Lucifer, it simply isn’t right.

They have their good moments, but that absolutely does not make up for the state of the relationship as a whole. Just because someone has their good moments, doesn’t mean you accept and forgive them. That’s like saying that someone who physically abuses their S/O, is a good partner because they occasionally make them dinner. It simply isn’t correct.

Majority of the time, Diavolo is fine with Lucifer being reduced to a pretty face and belittled. In public, which very clearly hurts Lucifer’s pride and reputation.

Many people can resonate with some of these behaviors, having seen them in their past.

So please. Tag your works as DiaLuci for others uncomfortable with it, stop attacking others who dislike the ship, and for fucks sake, enough with hating people who dislike a character and/or ship.

[ruby-whistler]

I 100% feel that anon who said that there are moments when you see development in c!tommy that can make you attached to him only for them to just...fall flat.

I think my favourite c!Tommy moments are 1) the walk with tubbo to the final disc confrontation with dream and 2) the entire hotel arc. Both were moments of reflection for c!Tommy that genuinely made me actually kinda like him as a character.

He had these moments of brilliance where he actually...considered how his actions affected the people around him and how they must have felt??? And what he feels??? Sometimes he said a sentence and I audibly screached because YES YES EXACTLY COME ON CHILD SELF-AWARENESS IS SO CLOSE YESS

And then it all just....disappeared into thin air in order to traumatize him more. He went straight back into being the character who I refuse to even entertain because I just get so annoyed that I have to turn the stream off.

And it's sad because there is potential there, there is a lot of potential in c!Tommy but it isn't used so his story just becomes a loop of trauma and shocking moments that personally get real old really quickly.

yeah! i don't really get people who say c!tommy improving and realizing he hurt people and wanting to make up / apologize for that is somehow wrong or "a byproduct of being hurt". we all know being hurt doesn't make people better, it's self-reflection while having support. i really wish he gets better, to be honest, for both himself and the other characters. he's extremely flawed, and that's alright, and he doesn't deserve to suffer for that, but i hope he can try to look out beyond himself more so that the consequences of his actions don't hurt him or others even more. i genuinely want that for him.

he's ... not in a very supportive environment, which is definitely a big chunk for why he tends to relapse or not get better - but he's always been non-self-aware. that's not a trauma response to any degree. he's always been insensitive and brash to the point where he hurt others' feelings without any remorse because he believed he was always in the right and didn't expect or want consequences for his actions as a result. that's not just "being loud and standing up for himself" - it's not something good that would be taken from him, it's legitimate flaws that make things worse.

it's things he would've improved upon earlier if people didn't freaking continue hurting the god damn kid so when he does, it feels,, very nice! he's not even annoying to me. it's frustrating seeing someone hurt others and make things bad for himself and then insist that he's never done anything wrong ever, but it's not even annoying, it's just making me feel bad for both him and the people interacting with him.

i just,, i want him to get better, but the reason he can't heal isn't because everyone would be out to get him, or because c!dream is alive, or because the adults just want to hurt him. it's his own fault at this point because he's flawed as hell and he'll keep messing up for as long as he doesn't even put in enough effort to realize that.

i've never been in a fandom where positive character development was something people tried to guilt trip you out of liking, but hey, the dream smp has always had a lot of firsts.

[why-this-kolaveri-machi]

it’s a fucking metaphor!

Titans 3.08

i’ve finally gathered the mental and emotional resources to do this thing, so let’s go! as always, i’m typing this up as i see the episode.

SPOILERS AHEAD

1. on watching this opening scene, i was thinking back to how gar was in s1, or even the early bits of s2. the way he idolised the others, particularly dick, and his readiness to go along with whatever they said, and the way he practically bled the need for acceptance. and here he is now, openly defying dick, fully open to and aware of the flaws of the people he loves and admires, knowing he is accepted no matter what and extending that generosity elsewhere. it’s a remarkable bit of character growth that’s... sort of blossomed in the background and so rewarding to see and acknowledge. 

1.25. i guess what i really love about this conflict over how to respond to jason--as clumsily as it is sometimes written--is how their histories and individual traumas inform each character’s reaction. dick is torn between his guilt over what’s become of jason and his drive to do what batman had essentially given up on doing: he is motivated to track down red hood at all costs but there’s a sense that he’s not completely sold on the idea that the only way to stop him is to kill him. (he might go the comics route and try to put him in arkham? god, imagine if the season ended with jason in arkham.) kory’s never had much of a connection with jason in the first place, and jason has done one of the worst things he could do in her book: track and kill a member of her newfound family and is threatening to kill more. 

and gar... sure. look. the idea of jason and red hood as separate entities appeals to him; that red hood emerged when jason was drugged to the gills by scarecrow and lost his usual inhibitions. gar’s struggled with what he becomes when he’s pushed to his limits, too--he did rip open that experimenting scientist with his teeth way back in 1.07, after all, and he was brainwashed by cadmus in s2 into becoming a literal monster. he needs to think, to know, there’s a dichotomy, a line that can only be crossed under extreme duress or by outside influence. 

and he says--and we say--that he was accepted back into the titans in spite of what he’d done, but was he really? gar’s always struggled with his footing in this group; relegated to the caretaker, the tech guy, the gatekeeper, and sometimes punching bag even though everybody’s paying lip service to how much of a family they all are. perhaps gar reaching out to jason and offering acceptance is aspirational on his part: perhaps this is the effort he hoped the titans put/or will put into getting gar back, even when it would seem like he’s too far gone.

1.5. anyway my point is that i don’t think it’s worth discussing this in terms of right/wrong decisions because all of their reactions make a lot of sense given their backgrounds/personalities. gar is doing a fine job here of tracking down jason’s friends and trying to find him that way, but we the audience know that jason is ultimately going to end up an anti-hero/eventually-hero character, so with that knowledge in mind we know that gar’s reaction is the right one. it’s knowledge that the other characters don’t have, so to judge them on it is... uh, unfair.

1.8. also, molly is awesome, yay!

2. dick and barbara flirting over the phone is so cute! i love to see this side of dick: lighter, peppier, willing (even if somewhat reluctantly) to put his mission aside to go out on a date with his girlfriend. and i love how easy this makes his dynamic with kory too: it’s all very domestic and utterly delightful. 

(also, re: the water leak in barbara’s office--you’re saying GCPD could afford fancy-schmancy table-wide touch screen computers and evil-lair lighting but needs its frickin’ commissioner to catch leaking water from above her desk with mugs and fishbowls????)

2.2225. this is probably a teeny tiny thing and i’m not sure i want to bring it up at all BUT. the fact that dick feels compelled to lie to barbara about not liking fancy gala food and eating something more substantial before the date? not a terribly great sign, though i wouldn’t call it a red flag per se. 

“this from a man who forced his students to eat cauliflower crust pizza...”

3. so.... conner and kom are a Thing. huh.

in theory i really like the idea of them bonding over an innate alien-ness and longing for a place they could really belong. both of them are alien twice-over: conner a mix of kryptonian and human, practically generated in a test tube, and kom being somebody that was born different and rejected by her own people, now stuck on a planet dominated by an entirely different species. i even like them exploring this bond physically. i guess it’s the sense of... uneasiness around what we do and don’t know about kom that makes this scene land slightly left of centre to me. i think titans, especially through s2, has cultivated in its audience a sense of distrust even until the final episode, just in case somebody vital to the season is suddenly revealed to have had ulterior motives (i’m even low-key suspicious of leslie). i really want to see this kom-conner dynamic play out but the anticipation of watching the other shoe drop is sucking out the enjoyment.

4. for fuck’s sake dick, gar’s not your gatekeeper.

TIIIIIIIIMMMMM \O/

4.5. i love this nod to tim’s origins in the comics, the way he just comes in and lays out all his evidence and makes it clear to dick that he needs tim’s help as robin. the fact that he was there at the flying graysons’ last performance, he was obsessed with their acrobatic moves, and was observant enough to connect those moves with that of robin and later nightwing... all of this came together to put him where he is right now.

(i also love how he can’t contain his giddy excitement when talking about the day dick grayson’s parents died... to dick grayson. even if dick weren’t nightwing, that would be a deeply uncomfortable thing! yet tim can’t help himself, and i love him for it.)

4.8. it’s a testament to how much dick’s caught off-guard that he can’t come up with a better response to tim’s allegations other than “uh... he stole my moves! as you know, no two gymnasts in the world are allowed to do the same moves. now, let me escort you out while pretending poorly that i’m not at all shaken by this...”

4.9. i’ve talked about this before, but i find the logic around secret identities in this universe utterly fascinating. the titans don’t make much effort in keeping their identities secret: everybody seems to know that kory is starfire for instance, or that gar is beast boy. dick grayson is seen hanging out with kory a lot, especially at crime scenes. it won’t take a lot of sleuthing to find out that the titans are currently camped out at wayne manor, and to put two and two together.

my theory was that superheroes and villains have become such an integral part of daily society that it’s almost not worth it to seek out their secret identities, or that it’s just not a big deal anymore. like politicians or diplomats, not everybody bothers to look into who exactly their local politician is, but the people who know just... know. it’s a sort of unspoken social contract.

tim’s broken this contract by confronting dick about his identity, and dick’s not ready to deal with it. not entirely.

look at him! *pinches his cheeks*

5. ngl, it was quite satisfying to see jason knock the scarecrow out like that. 

5.5. i guess... the question of jason’s culpability is always going to be a thorny one and would make for a great courtroom drama spinoff. there are a number of factors to consider: jason’s personality, the rough circumstances under which he grew up, his undoubtedly stressful transition to being robin, bruce wayne being... well, bruce wayne, never feeling accepted by the titans and having most of them turn on him, being roundly defeated and almost killed by deathstroke, alfred’s death, a fuckload of ptsd, his violent death, crane’s manipulations, coming back to life, crane plying him with a drug. but there is no easy line to draw between any of these factors to his actions. i think it would be a disservice to jason’s character to attribute his actions entirely to these things and rather irresponsible to do so. i think jason has to reckon with the fact that when he took crane’s drug, he wasn’t reckless and chaotic like the thugs he gave it to; the planning that went into hank’s death was meticulous and the way hank died--dawn essentially tricked into pulling the trigger that blew her lover into bits--is so drawn out and cruel. 

5.75. it’s occurring to me that crane might have given jason a placebo. maybe jason’s dependence is psychological, and he’s externalised his fears in such a way that he believes crane’s drugs literally wipe them out, however temporarily.

in any case, the boy needs (more) therapy.

6. “he walked like robin...” fuck, tim

“gait recognition sweep” god, this show. i don’t know whether to laugh or cry. hey, once we’re done doing this gait recognition thingy, can we get a goddamn plumber in the house??? or move the commissioner’s desk so that sewage water isn’t dripping on her head or the million dollar touchscreen desk???????

6.5. oh no dick!!!!!! i am delighted that you got hurt but i feel ashamed about it! that looked like it really hurt!

he’s really not having a good time of it, is he. from being shot by a sniper to slamming at full speed into an suv, he’s got to be really fucking battered by now. and that’s just the physical side of it.

“can you believe that just over a week ago i was sitting in san francisco eating cauliflower crust pizza and feeling good about myself for the first time in five years...”

7. kory’s having visions again! now that she’s figured what they are, do you think the show’s just dropped justin? it’s curious that HPG hasn’t been brought up in a while after featuring relatively heavily in the beginning. hmmm.

8. dick’s in hospital but... he looks remarkably whole for someone who took a spill like that. you’d think he’d at least have a bruise to show for it. on the other hand, i love that the first thing he says is ‘i need to call home’. reminds me of season 1 dick and his clumsy attempts to explain away his found family as an ‘alliance of necessity’ or some bullshit. what a long way he’s come!

*gasp* dick’s hallucinating again!!!!!!!!!!!! i’m doing the dick’s hallucinating dance! can you believe that we’re carrying over these huge honking issues unearthed in season 2 onto season 3? can you believe?!!! all that time and effort i spent talking about dick’s mental health from last season has not gone in vain!!

... ahem. anyway. more on this later.

“hold on barbara, i think kory gave me the number to this therapist that she kept calling Hot Psychiatrist Guy...”

9. just an interlude to say that i’m barely halfway through the episode and i’ve already written 2k+ words... ugh. i’m going to try and be more concise.

10. man i fuckin love it when titans goes all out with its weird mindscapes and i’m extra glad that kory’s the focus this time. is that baby kom or maybe a secret sibling that neither of them knew about? was that lady luand’r? and is this place where kory was circling where the secret sibling is? it’s all very intriguing. 

(if justin turned out to be that sibling... we’ve a real luke/leia situation on our hands.)

11. aw, i knew that nice security guard was going to die, but it still hurt to see him go :(

12. this show is so bizarre. like i get the mindscape as a narrative device, but jason using sex workers to try and vocalise his guilt about killing hank was just weird. like. i have to use tamil, sorry: idhulaan yaaru pa room pottu yosikara??? some things just can’t be translated into a second language.

i guess one way to interpret jason’s reckoning with what he did to the titans as a sign of him coming off crane’s drug, but i think it’s more to do with the disillusionment of realising that he was a mere pawn in a more sinister plan, and not, as he thought, a player in control of his destiny, rising to the purpose of liberating gotham of its fears in a way batman never could. along the way, he’s done some truly irreversible damage. it’s a bitter pill to swallow.

13. another hallucination! it’s really intriguing that it’s a young dick(?), younger than we’ve ever seen him, wearing an early-era robin costume from way before he even became robin. (this is also interesting in that it gives credence to the idea that ‘robin’ is an identity that dick created entirely on his own, and as a possible homage to his family.)

“old road, old house... it’s all gone.” i wonder what it all means.

13.5. it’s entirely likely dick’s hallucinating because of a brain injury from the accident, though just hallucinations without any other focal neurological deficit is unusual. he might’ve been microdosed with fear toxin at some point, though i wonder when... did jason do so after dick’s accident? did he get dosed at the factory from last episode? 

it’s also possible it’s a continuing manifestation of dick’s issues from last season--which, if you remember, he never told anyone about and therefore never properly addressed. maybe he was hallucinating bruce wayne in a psychotic episode accompanying an acute stress reaction and maybe that’s what’s happening now. nobody’s denying that he’s under an extraordinary amount of stress right now. another way to look at it is that this is how he externalises conflict that he can’t bear to suppress anymore; if in s2 halluci!bruce manifested his insecurities and self-loathing, then these hallucinations... something to do with his fears, no doubt.

yet ANOTHER way to look at it might be: rachel is reaching out to him through their, well, psychic bond. after all, they were able to use that bond unconsciously last season to get the titans back together; maybe rachel has learned to gain a degree of control over it in themyscira and is sending across warnings? it’s all very intriguing.

anyway:

“i hear you skipped over the discowing suit in your evolution to nightwing... how could you??”

14. can you imagine, gar did all the work of reaching out to jason via molly and jason wants to meet dick? smh.

14.5. “i’m just a regular guy doing regular things” he says, standing at the opening of a secret old tunnel, like a secret person doing secret things, confronting someone who can now officially be called his stalker. neither of you guys are ‘regular’

14.8. ‘my dad was a cop and he taught me how to investigate’ - hmmm. i guess they’re trying to Explain Tim but i don’t think that’s really necessary. so he’s smart and he’s obsessed with batman and robin--that should be enough, imo. 

15. that scene with scarecrow and his mother was... wow. i’m just laughing here helplessly, because what the hell? for a while i thought it was an extended dream sequence and i’m still not entirely sure that it isn’t...

anyway. i still love that titans is happy to throw out its plot in favour of extended character-exploration sessions.

15.5. it seems to me that this scene with crane and his mother (i have no idea if there’s anything in the comics similar to this) serves to move forward this season’s theme of harmful legacies and how parents can damage their children in the name of their mission. in a way it’s been the underlying message of the entire show but we’re really seeing it being reinforced this season. the titans, serving as a foil to scarecrow, are using the damage to rebuild themselves and actually work through their issues together, instead of spiralling further and further into the morass of their issues.

other than that... god, that scene was painful to watch. i can’t say i like this version of scarecrow or how this actor plays him at all.

16. i wonder what’s jason’s play here. i think he’s smart enough to realise that the titans aren’t going to just forgive him and let him be a titan again after what he did, and that dick agreeing to it is just a bid to pin both him and crane down. maybe it’s a ploy to trap them, get back on scarecrow’s good books so that he can have the drug again. who knows.

17. i absolutely felt dick when he said “we’ll bring him in and then re-assess the situation.” what the fuck else is he going to say? the priority is to get him.

so kory and dick are both hallucinating while potentially trying to rehabilitate their murderous siblings. CONFIDE IN EACH OTHER ALREADY

18. TIM NOOOO! you beautiful, reckless fool!

18.25. just to quickly address it here because i know it’s been brought up before: i think it’s perfectly justified to not have conner take tim to the hospital via superspeed because a) i don’t think we’ve seen conner do that with anybody so far and b) it’s probably not a good idea to submit tim’s body to that kind of stress without knowing what it would do to him. the paramedics with actual equipment and experience would be there in a few minutes, so on a risk assessment, i would say dick and conner absolutely made the right call.

18.5. i guess we won’t know what jason really intended to when the titans came to the pump to see him, but this is definitely going to set a big wedge in his relationship with crane. then again, crane got what he wanted--using starfire’s powers to blast through to the underground pipes--so jason can argue that this is exactly what he was working towards, too. 

anyway, mortal peril, hallucinations, murderous family members, creepy visions and robins sprouting left and right. time to get rachel and donna on the scene, i think.

[hatboyproject]

This is very long, but it might be of interest to someone, somewhere. I was asked recently about the direction I'm taking this romance in and whether or not I'll be addressing certain disability specific subjects within it. The answer, of course, is yes - I have always planned to do this in one form or another. Whilst no single piece of media can address everything I'd like to say on the subject, and I am working within the bounds of a larger story with its own pacing and focus to consider, there's still room to touch on some of these things.

I'm aware that my interpretations won't always be the same as others'. They are my interpretations, coloured by my experiences and feelings, and ultimately, this is my mod - I'm writing it for everybody who 'wears the ballcap,' so to speak! But, it's my interpretation of this character that I'm trying to share with everyone. Different people "took the helm" (laugh, I'm hilarious!) on writing Jeff across the trilogy, and as time has gone on I've been trying to convince myself that it's okay to have my turn at doing that, too - albeit in a non-professional capacity. So... Let's get into my interpretation of Jeff, where his stuff comes from on my view, and how things went to get him to where we are at the beginning of ME3, where the romance can occur.

A lot of how I interpret him comes from experiences in my own life with my own issues, and with those of my loved ones, some of whom are physically disabled in similar (but not identical) ways to Jeff. Some of this carries an element of catharsis for me.

Mechanically and narratively speaking, what draws me to writing this romance is the contrast between how these two characters are strong. It's this core idea that strength doesn't have only one manifestation in a person. That loving somebody doesn't have to be done only one way, that it can be beautiful and passionate and fulfilling - even if, when it gets physical, the headboard can't exactly be made to shatter with the force of it all. For me, it's also an exercise in insecurity and dealing with feelings of frustrated inadequacy - something that has plagued me my whole life.

Yes, yes, he's fictional - but the only way for me to really get into a character is to think about them as if they're a real being. When I look at Jeff as a person, I see many things... Some very positive, some pretty negative... I try to see him as a complete person with strengths and flaws.

On the surface he is often defensive, dismissive, sarcastic, and emotionally avoidant. But why is that? He is highly skilled, dedicated and capable, and knows it, but at the same time is a person who is constantly overlooked, underestimated, and asked to work thrice as hard to get the same considerations. Even then, his validity is questioned often by almost everyone around him. Over time, combined with the realities of living with his physical condition, this has given him some deep-seated insecurities. He feels the need to brag about his skills because they are, ultimately, the one thing about himself that he is absolutely certain has real worth. He overcompensates for this by abusing rules and technicalities wherever he can, because I think he knows that if he played life by the rules, he'd never have gotten anywhere. It's a stacked deck, so why not hide some aces up his sleeve? When you don't fit in the box provided, you question the value of every box you see.

When a person lives with this long enough, it can get hard to swim against the tide of society's expectations and still remain chipper about it, let alone not internalise some of it. It can cause a person to create a shell constructed out of distrust and untruth.

Living with a disability can really suck sometimes, and the suck is compounded when having to deal with your own frustrations plus those of others. In my personal experience, that happens a lot.

There is a certain sense of alienation that it can create, and it can become a kind of Sword of Damocles. It can be easier to anticipate rejection and others' assumptions, inabilities to understand or relate than to keep reaching out, only to have the same tired conversations about being different. I see a lot of this in him. I understand the chip he has on his shoulder.

I also see an extremely sensitive, empathetic, devoted and boundlessly loving person under all that. In fact, it's because of these things that I think he actively tries to distance himself. At the core of his being, I see Jeff as somebody who loves quickly and completely. I think he sees that as a vulnerability, incompatible with what he's learned he has to do to survive... and also with the machismo thing that comes with being a pilot. I think on some level he's terrified of that about himself, but he also can't help it. Jeff is ride or die. So, he tells himself he doesn't care and never lets anyone in. Any time anyone showed interest, he'd shut them down, alienate them, distance himself, and get in the seat of something that flies.

I think up until now, (ME3) he's seen intimacy both as a thing he longs for, but is also afraid of because of his fundamental knowledge that he is different. He thinks he can't "measure up" to what he sees all around him. He sees romance as something that will lead to his inevitable rejection and being crushed, emotionally - and if he's not careful, physically, too. I think he's embarrassed about that as well. He's very interested where it comes to all that, but the things he likes to watch, he knows he can't do like that. His only experience is second-hand as a voyeur, so some of his perceptions about that are unhealthy for him. I think any kind of attempt by the medical professionals in his life to broach the topic and offer support on, he's angrily changed the subject, or stopped listening to, because of the entire mess above. I think Jeff is kind of a lonely person, and some of it is self-imposed, though the reasons for him thinking it's the right thing to do aren't all within his control.

All this is difficult for him to reconcile with, because he has been desperately in love with his commanding officer since almost the moment s/he met him, but entirely unprepared to face it.

I think at first it was easy for him to dismiss it as a stupid crush. Everyone gets them when cramped up in close quarters in stressful situations and the Commander's magnetism was hard to ignore. But then it became clear that Shepard really hadn't read his file and really hadn't made any assumptions at all about him. S/he just wanted to know him, and as time progressed and that actually bore out, it got hard not to really feel something powerful, even though s/he was the Commander and it wasn't strictly appropriate to think that way. But, then there was that thing about not fitting in the box provided...

I think he agonised over coming to Shepard with it, but ultimately decided it would be selfish with everything they were going through. I think there was a part of him that decided s/he'd never be interested anyway, not when there were other, healthier people to choose from... People who didn't have these hangups or need special accommodations made for them. I think he decided to keep it to himself, for what he felt was both their sakes.

If/When the Commander quietly hooked up with someone else, I think he had a lot of feelings all at once. On the one hand, the person he cared for most was finding some peace in all the craziness. On the other, he wished that particular brand of peace was shared with him. Most of the time there were more important things to worry about, but during downtime, I think it was on his mind a lot.

I think he feels very sheepish about it, but occasionally his jealousy got the better of him and he interrupted Shepard at moments that got too hard to watch on the security cams. He watched the cams around the ship lot, and listened in on all the others a fair bit. I think because he saw himself as being at a remove from most people in a lot of ways, it was easy to justify that to himself. I think he saw it kind of like listening to a podcast or a soap opera or... Nature documentary, almost, or something. He got to know all of them in this way... Parasocially at first, but gradually, socially too. He felt better about trying, because he had this secret edge. Not the greatest stuff he's ever done, but... Complete person. Strengths and flaws.

And then, the unthinkable happened. He couldn't accept that the ship was dying. He was sure he could save it... But when Shepard's hand touched his shoulder, when s/he'd come back for him, he knew it was over. And then, it really was over. Shepard paid the price for his arrogance. The person he wanted to protect the most spun off out into space. The communicator between his mask and that helmet was still in range for long enough that he could hear the choking. For a long time afterward, even hearing people cough made the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end.

The Alliance grounded him. I don't think he even had the capacity to be mad about it. I think that was a hard time for Jeff. I think between being burdened with the knowledge of the Reapers, the loss of Shepard, and the weight of his guilt, he was pretty close to the very, very edge when Cerberus knocked on his door and made him a bunch of promises. Pretty sure those promises had nothing to do with leather seats and everything to do with Project Lazarus. I'm very sure that the promise of Shepard coming back is the reason he even let Cerberus pay for the surgeries he agreed to undergo, because I don't think he valued himself much at all at that point. I'm pretty sure it was being ready to help Shepard that he was thinking about when he was learning to walk on his painful legs without crutches for the very first time. When Cerberus offered him a big shiny reset button I think he took it without hesitation because there wasn't anything else to hope for. I think seeing Shepard in the docking bay galvanised him and without ever telling them so, he pledged his life to them even harder than before. I think he told himself that he would support Shepard in every way he could. He would go wherever, do whatever, and when dealing with him, try to give them what he knew they needed; a goddamn break.

So, fast forward again, and now we are here. With all of this in mind... Shepard might have had a dalliance with someone else, or might've been too damaged by their previous love interest on Horizon, or whatever. Either way, I think Jeff saw it as not his business to even dream about that. I think the guilt tore him up every time he looked at Shepard. I think he felt like on some level, he deserved the pain of unrequited feelings which only ever got more intense. If he didn't think himself worthy of it back then, doubly so now. I think during the six months of house arrest, he tried to visit, but the Alliance denied his every attempt. Then the attack on Earth happened.

And so now we have Jeff, who, just like other humans is confused and groping about for a sense of what's up and what's down. Fortunately for him, Shepard is part of that sense of stability. He's just better at hiding it, because avoiding it and telling himself to focus elsewhere is second nature to him by this point. But things are a little different, now. Shepard seems looking around for a connection too. Future days seem short in number and the rulebook less and less important by the minute. Denying it to himself becomes impossible, and even EDI prods him about it. Shepard won't stop being so goddamn nice to him and even responds with things that if he didn't know better, he could interpret as... But then all the old insecurities come rushing back and he's walking on his own damn eggshells again. Fuck it. It's time to admit it. To come clean. S/he has to know.

So he asks. And s/he accepts. He's equal parts thrilled, stunned and terrified. He's even on some level, suspicious. Is s/he setting him up for a fall? Are they angry about his responsibility? What do they want out of this, actually? He hasn't explained what it'd be like. That what they're doubtlessly expecting of him is unrealistic. That he's completely inexperienced. I think at this point, he's a bit pissed off with himself and feeling a lot of dread because he's pretty sure how this is going to go. He realises he's got so caught up in it that he's done things in the wrong order. Damage control. He has to talk with Shepard and explain what s/he should expect from him, because it will be different. Manage expectations because he's had to manage his own. He goes in steeled.

But s/he knows it will be different, it turns out. As ever, Shepard has made no assumptions whatsoever. S/he only wants to get to know him. Wants him for everything he is, and accepts what he is not. It was never an issue for them beyond understanding how to work with it, because he is worthy just as he is, and has worked hard enough. He has to teach them about his limitations, about underestimating and overestimating... But where there's a will, there's a way. Time for a few shared moments of peace before the end of days, and through all the craziness, something feels right at last. He feels safe enough to let Shepard in properly. Thus begins his reassessment of himself and reckoning with letting go of the insecurities he has that aren't actually his own, but come from outside.

Also he totally gets to sext the Commander now when s/he's on missions. Nice.

So. There's a lot more I could say and expound upon but it's been hours and I have stuff to do. That's my direction. It's not going to suit everyone, and I doubt I can get everything across... But I'll try. I'm just one person, with just one perspective, with just one version of this story. But I hope people like what I come up with surrounding this framework, because I have lived a lot of it myself. Just a few less Reapers in my version. Not everyone's experiences and responses will be the same.

[arcadia-city-stories-if]

#but i can say that hearing people speak their truth#on asexuality and being aromantic#really helped me figure some stuff out about myself#and my discomfort with romance lol

Its okay if you want to ignore this, I know its none of my buisness but this got me really curious? I think that maybe i'm a little arospec but its hard to talk about and I know you were really open about other things so maybe you'd be okay with it? Please delete if you want to and sorry again X

Under the cut so me and you can have a little chat my love ❤

So first off, please don't apologise, it's totally fine to ask and thank you for insisting it was my choice - that's incredibly sweet of you but please know that it's not necessary, we're all good here.

Second of all, I can safely say with zero shame that I'm not the person to go to for advice on arospec issues, it's not my lane and, even with my best-hearted most genuine efforts, the likelihood is that I would tap dance all over very sensitive and important lines that I wouldn't be aware of, and that would be a giant disservice to you and the process of introspection you're currently going through in regards to your identity and self-realisation.

But I can tell you my experience with seeing other people, from every point on the sexuality spectrum, talk about how they feel has helped me make peace with some little pieces of me that I'd thought were flaws or failings on my part, that have turned out just to just be preferences and boundaries that I have a complete right to have, and have respected by others.

Ok so, I have no aversion to sex, in fact it's somewhat of a priority with *most* (and I can't stress that enough. Most. Sexuality is not finite no matter where you stand, there will always be the chance of you personally discovering exceptions and caveats that are just as valid as anything else you feel) of my romantic relationships.

But romance? Romance is really really hard for me sometimes lol.

So, for example, I enjoy flirting for the most part, with almost anyone to be honest. I see it like fishing, kind of? Lol but instead of fish I'm looking for that little spark that makes someone interesting to talk to, be it romantic or otherwise. But I cannot stand to be touched by strangers, even the ones I fancy. In fact, even with most friends, I don't enjoy being touched by anyone I'm not already physically intimate with. Which is read by some as an extremely negative trait because I was *just* flirting with them so clearly I'm just leading them on if I don't want to be touched.. making it seem like a flaw in my character whenever I feel that way.

I also hate romantic gestures and kind words lol. Buy me flowers? Thanks I hate it. Want to take me somewhere fancy for dinner? No thanks I'd rather go to the local and get takeout on the way home. You want to say something sweet about me in public, confess your love and affection in front of others? I am furious. And not play furious, actually furious lol. This stuff repulses me, literally and figuratively.

And I've been told frequently by many many people that I'm in the wrong on this and I'm being unfair, or cold, "most people would be grateful" I must have heard a thousand times lol. When, the reality is, my partner would know this about me already, I'm not backwards about being forwards, I'm honest to a fault, which means to do these things despite knowing I don't like it, is just disrespecting my boundaries because they think they know better than me about how *I* feel. When that's not it at all lol - I'm not wrong, I'm just me.

And I wouldn't know that without having listened to other people talk about their experiences and it's helped me make peace with what I thought was just me being "difficult" and it's a huge comfort that I owe entirely to the aspec community. So please know that, if you do find yourself a part of that gang, you are in such good hands!

If you follow me then you definitely follow the creators who have openly talked about their own experiences here, and while they might be fatigued about this right now, if you reach out to them for advice, I'm confident you will get something much more worthwhile than what I can offer you here and now.

Just be patient if it takes a little while, it's been a very long and exhausting day for a lot of them ❤

[duhragonball]

Wordswordswordswords

For the past several months now, when I haven’t been writing, I’ve been reading Fantastic Four.   I bought a DVD-ROM back in 2008 which contained .pdf files of every issue from 1961 to 2006.  A couple of years ago, I decided to quit putting it off and actually read the whole thing, and now I’m about eight issues away from finishing it.  Even so, I think I’m going to keep going and try to catch up to the present day.   I think that’s only about 200 more issues, so no big deal.

People say that when you get older, you lose interest in your old hobbies.  I got into comic books about 30 years ago, and I got sucked into the whole “Marvel Universe” thing around 1997, trying to learn as much of the interconnecting lore as possible.  A lot of the fun of comics back then was the thrill of seeing what would happen next in the new books, while also uncovering the history laid down in the back issues.  At some point, the novelty wears off.   You’ve either seen all the same tricks, or you’ve read enough back issues that nothing really surprises you anymore.   So you either get jaded or you move on to something else, or you learn to change perspectives, which I guess is what I’ve done.

Today, I seem to experience comic books in this insane macro-scale, binge-reading entire runs and series, because so much of it is available digitally now, and I’ve got the disposable income and free time to commit to it.   I thought about liveblogging my experiences with Fantastic Four, but I knew it would slow me down too much, and really, the contents of individual issues don’t seem to matter as much to me anymore.   It’s all about historical eras now.   And really, I don’t even want to do a breakdown of the eras, because even that feels like too much trouble.   Let me focus instead on my favorite and least favorite runs.

So this is a page from Fantastic Four v.3 #28 by Claremont and artist Sal Larocca.  I tried to find a typical page that illustrates the problem, and this seems like a fair example, because at least all this word-salad manages to recap the plot.   Mr. Fantastic is trapped in Dr. Doom’s armor, and unable to prove his true identity to the world.  But even if he could, he has to keep up the charade of being Dr. Doom, because he’s the only thing holding back a warship full of evil soldiers.   He can’t let them destroy the world, but he can’t tell them to stand down, or they’ll turn on him.

But Claremont keeps restating the problem over and over.  This page is like 20% word balloon, and it’s just the characters mulling over this dilemma that’s already been explained several times over the past two issues.

By contrast, you have this page from FF v.3 #63, by Mark Waid and Mike Weringo.  This is a pretty exposition-heavy page as well, but it flows a lot better.  The Waid run on FF is my favorite so far, and I think it says something I blew through all 37 or so issues in a single weekend.   It’s just a nice easy read, with plenty of dramatic punch and solid plot and character dynamics.  

The thing is, I got so frustrated with Claremont’s run that after a while I started to wonder if I was being unfair, or if there was something wrong with me for not appreciating it.   And I started to look for the same flaws in my own writing.  “Oh crap, I’m not as bad as Chris Claremont, am I?”  That’s the effect that guy has on me.   I started wondering why the run was so bad, and why other runs are so much better by comparison.   And this was what I finally came up with. 

So when you look back up at the two pages above, notice how the Sal Larocca art doesn’t really move the story along.   It’s not that he’s a bad artist.   I like his stuff, but on this run it never seemed to click with Claremont.   Sometimes it felt like they weren’t even aware of each other as they created the comic.   In this case, it’s just four panels of the characters standing around talking to each other.  There’s a shot of a holographic map, and Johnny walks off in a huff, but those visuals seem to have nothing to do with the conversation.   A lot of words are being said, but they don’t tell any new story, and the images are just sort of there to decorate the extraneous words.  

But on the other page, the art actually helps the exposition go down smoother.   In the first two panels, the characters are talking, then in panel three Sue notices something important, and in panel six, Reed seems to be putting the whole thing together.   Their expressions help tell the story.  But the real meat of the page is in panels four and five, where we see Franklin Richards watching them from the shadows.  That look on his face in Panel Five is what brings the whole page together.  He knows something about all of this, and he’s deeply troubled by it.  Also note that Panel Five has no word balloons in it.   The expression is allowed to carry the narrative.   That’s what makes you eager to look at the next page, because that’s where you find out what he knows about this situation.

And that gave me a shot of reassurance.   For one thing, I write prose, not comics, so I don’t have to worry about stepping on an illustrator’s toes.  I read once that this sort of thing was why John Byrne left the X-Men comics back in 1980 or ‘81, because he drew this shot of Colossus ripping up tree stumps and Claremont wrote a whole essay’s worth of captions over it.   By 2000, the only thing that changed was that he was doing it to Sal Larocca, who was sporting enough to put up with it. 

More importantly, this whole realization reinforced a bit of writing advice I picked up years ago.   When you write a conversation, it’s always good to have the characters do something while they talk.   You have Character A say a line, then add that they’re folding laundry.   Then Character B says their line, and they’re eating a chili dog or whatever.  And back and forth, with each character making progress with their task as the conversation continues.    It adds a beat to the dialogue, so it’s not just rapid fire yammering back-and-forth, but it also shows that they’re not just disembodied voices.  And you can use the side-actions to communicate other stuff alongside the dialogue.   Claremont’s problem is that he can’t do that himself in a comic book, and a lot of times he actively prevents the art team from doing it for him.   So the comics he writes feel slow and plodding, even if they may not actually be any longer or harder to read.

Anyway, I just had to get that off my chest.   Sometimes I worry that I let the length of a textpiece distract from the message I’m trying to convey, but I think the point is that there needs to be a message, and a clear presentation.   Some messages may take longer to express, but as long as they’re not bogged down with excess clutter, they’re still worth expressing.

[bestworstcase]

We all know that the Gothel twist was terrible and was only there for the sake of having a twist, but if it absolutely have been done, how should it had happened to make it better narratively?

so. i spent a lot of time kind of mulling over and autopsying s3 and my personal conclusion about what went wrong is that tts hamstrung itself with poor narrative structure. and this is going to be one of those posts where i lead with definitions of the terminology i’m going to use, for the sake of clarity and to avoid any misunderstanding. 

to whit: 

story is the sum total of every element of a narrative: character, plot, setting, theme, and structure.  

character is, of course, the people in the story. it’s “who?”

plot is the events that happen in a story. it’s “what?”

setting is the time and place of the story. it’s “where?” and “when?” 

theme is what the story is *about.* it’s “why?”

and then there’s narrative structure, which i think is a little harder to grasp because it’s much more invisible than the other things. but it’s the framework of the story, or the scaffolding. it’s “how?” — how are the characters rendered? how is the setting created? how are the events of the plot strung together along the throughline? how is the story built? 

now… in my opinion, character is the single most important element of a story; compelling characters can salvage an otherwise mediocre story, and nothing kills a story faster than uninteresting characters. 

but the one thing good characters can’t ultimately compensate for is poor structure. if the construction is shoddy, so to speak, sooner or later, the roof is gonna leak. right? and we can see this happen in tts: s1 and s2 are solid, and then bam! we hit s3 and it’s a mess of bizarre pacing and dropped characters, the feelings and motivations of key players get all wonky, the plot loses focus, and things increasingly feel like they’re happening by authorial fiat. the weak structure of the narrative has failed, and it dragged the entire story down with it. 

and we can look back in retrospect and see that, yeah, all of these problems existed before; tts always had odd pacing, always had an issue with maintenance of the supporting cast, always relied more on convenience than a narrative really should. but these things didn’t hit a critical mass until s3. 

so what does this have to do with gothel? well,

in and of itself, “gothel is cassandra’s mother!” is not a terrible plot twist. the problem with it is a problem of execution, which is to say, the flaw is in the structure, not the plot.

#1: set-up

plot twists are kind of difficult to pull off well, because you don’t want to blindside people, but you also don’t want to tip your hand too soon. you want to surprise, or maybe even shock—but you don’t want your audience to go, “wait, WHAT? that makes no sense!”

do you remember the whole “ricky’s quest” thing that went on in s2? we were told that there was an important piece of foreshadowing somewhere in s1 or s2 that no one had picked up on yet and there was this whole thing of people trying to figure out what it was, and then… rapunzel’s return aired, and ricky revealed that the answer was “cassandra briefly glances into the shattered mirror in rapunzel’s tower.” 

and that, + the fact that we know cass is adopted and doesn’t remember her birth parents, + vague visual similarities, is the entirety of the s1-s2 foreshadowing for cassandra being gothel’s daughter.

which isn’t nothing, i’ll grant you, but for something as major as the gothel twist, for something that profoundly changes the worldview and motivations of one of the main characters to such a degree that she completely changes sides because of it, it might as well be nothing.

gothel is afforded zero narrative importance in s1-s2. rapunzel has one nightmare about her, and some lingering trauma connected to the tower that is explored, and of course tromus briefly uses her image to try to control rapunzel in rapunzeltopia. but gothel herself is a non-entity until she abruptly and without warning becomes the emotional lynchpin of the entire conflict in s3. that’s jarring.

cassandra is a complex character whose apparent motivations for turning against rapunzel are meticulously built up over the course of s2… only for s3 to pull a bait-and-switch, sweep all of that set-up under the rug, and replace it with cassandra’s messed up feelings about gothel’s abandonment. even her ruined hand never gets mentioned again—not by her, not by zhan tiri, not by rapunzel, not by anyone. that’s jarring, too. 

to use my own work as a point of comparison here, the bitter snow equivalent of the gothel reveal is cassandra finding out that sirin is her aunt and her parents were innocent. like the gothel twist, learning that information profoundly changes how cassandra sees herself and the world, and it’s intended to be a big shock… but unlike the gothel twist, i did a lot of setting up for it: 

1: sirin has real narrative importance in the first half of the story, pre-reveal. the fic opens with her, her involvement with the separatists is established early, etc. 

2: pieces of cassandra’s backstory are threaded through the first half of the story. by the time we hit the reveal, it’s been established that cass is saporian, that her parents were executed for treason, that this treason involved selling poisoned crops and causing outbreaks of a deadly sickness. 

3: there are many demonstrations of anti-saporian discrimination and prejudice in the first half of the story: the way cass sees herself and the alienation she feels from the rest of corona, past incidents where she was targeted for being saporian, basically every time gilbert opens his mouth, what happened to caine’s dad. 

4: cassandra discovers evidence of the harsh, unjust nature of the crackdown and realizes that at least some of what she’s been taught about coronan law enforcement and recent history is inaccurate… thus planting the seed, for the readers if not for cass herself, that other things might be false too.

5: caine points out that cass is the reason the separatists don’t let parents join up, and though she doesn’t elaborate on that, it’s because cass is proof that corona will steal saporian children if their parents are accused of treason.

and 6: everything sirin says to cass in chapter 14 is wrapped up in her being painfully, painfully aware that a) cass is her niece and b) probably doesn’t know the whole story—while also trying to stick to the plan. so… while she doesn’t spill the beans there, she knows who cass is, she stops andrew from hurting her, she makes a point of not acknowledging the legitimacy of cassandra’s adoption, and obliquely suggests that sir peter is a murderer… and while she tries to stop cass from interfering with what they’re doing, she doesn’t hurt her, even though she very much could.

so… in chapter 15, when sirin comes out with “actually, the blight was a natural disaster no one anticipated and saporians got sick and died too, your parents were just scapegoats because corona wanted someone to blame, and oh, by the way, you’re my niece,” it’s a shock but not one that comes entirely out of left field. cassandra’s parents being innocent victims of an overzealous and prejudiced justice system is a logical extension of all the stuff that has already been set up, and sirin being cass’s aunt helps to clarify motivations that were previously opaque (such as: why does sirin despise corona so much, why didn’t she just kill cass, etc). 

and because all of this stuff is given so much attention in the first half of the story, the way it snaps cassandra’s worldview in half and causes such a massive reorienting of her goals and loyalties feels natural. because it already mattered a great deal to her, and it related to the doubts she was already experiencing. 

which like, that’s the key. setting up a big plot twist isn’t about establishing one basic fact (“cass is adopted”) and tossing in one instance of symbolic foreshadowing (the mirror thing) and nothing else, over the course of two whole seasons of a tv show. it is about priming the audience to be ready to accept the reveal.

how could tts have done this with the gothel reveal? here’s some ideas: 

1: give gothel a greater presence in the narrative. the simplest way to do this would be to really lean in to how fucked up rapunzel is because of her. more nightmares, more overt moments where we see rapunzel still being haunted by her memory. alternatively, lean more into the fact that gothel was a disciple of zhan tiri.

2: give cassandra’s adoption, and the question of her birth parents, even a teeny tiny glimmer of interest. specifically, let “dad found me after my parents abandoned me” be the only thing cass knows about her adoption, and let that hurt her. she doesn’t even have to be curious about who her birth parents were—just have that pain of abandonment more present in the first two seasons. 

3: imply the captain knows more about cassandra’s origins than he lets on. 

4: you know the parallel in RATGT where rapunzel screams at cass the way gothel screamed at rapunzel? more of that. like, how delicious would it be if there were many little instances in s1-s2 of rapunzel lashing out at cass with behaviors she obviously subconsciously learned from gothel, only for s3 to pull the sucker punch of cassandra being gothel’s daughter? like! imagine how that could so EASILY make cassandra recontextualize her entire relationship with rapunzel by linking rapunzel’s toxic behaviors with gothel’s abuse and abandonment in her mind? and then in s3 you can really dig into rapunzel interrogating her own behaviors and struggling to break the cycle of abuse. 

5: if gothel being a former disciple of zhan tiri is narratively important, it can go hand-in-hand with zhan tiri and the other disciples more overtly targeting cass, specifically. even if we don’t know why until the reveal. 

i’ve seen a couple posts from other folks discussing how to “fix” the gothel twist, and many of them involve cass either knowing from the start or finding out much earlier, but while that could work, i don’t think it’s necessary. it’s all about the set up. it’s all about constructing the story in such a way that the audience goes “OH!” instead of “WHAT?!” when the reveal happens, and the specific timing of the reveal doesn’t really… matter.

#2: execution

surprising absolutely no one, i’m going to talk about zhan tiri now. 

based on what chris has said in various interviews, my understanding is this: originally, cass was originally supposed to be a secret antagonist all along and know about her parentage right out of the gate. her characterization softened early on in the process, her knowing about gothel got dropped, and suddenly the creators needed a way for her to learn that gothel was her mom, and thus zhan tiri entered the narrative.

she is a plot device whose whole purpose is to tell cass “gothel was your mom and abandoned you for rapunzel,” and then fuel her downward spiral. the rest of her character exists in service of that, full stop. 

which… like the gothel reveal, having a character whose primary function is to be a plot device isn’t a problem in and of itself. however. “ancient evil demonic sorceress with deep ties to the magical lore of the setting and an entrenched hatred for team hero, whose MO is manipulating people” is a terrible character archetype to use as this kind of plot device, because that kind of character needs to have an agenda in order to function, and as soon as you give them an agenda they develop a gravitational pull on the rest of the story, especially if they’re directly involved with a main character. 

and if you’re willing to roll with that gravitational pull, it can be fine. but if you’re not… you get tts s3. 

chris has pretty much spelled this out in interviews. he said at one point that they debated multiple potential motives for zhan tiri… but found that anything more complex than “wants the drops and to burn corona to the ground, because reasons” sucked oxygen away from the cass vs raps conflict and eventual reconciliation, which… yeah. so they gave zhan tiri the cardboard motives and didn’t really do anything with her other than trotting her out to give cass a good shove in whatever direction the plot needed cass to fall in every so often. 

that zhan tiri is a compelling character in s3 at all is a testament to the strength of her VA and the sheer potential of her established lore, in combination with the fact that she and cassandra are off screen enough to demand that the audience fill in a lot of gaps. but in, like, the actual text, she has all the complex personality of a piece of damp tissue paper and she is, for all intents and purposes, literally just Cassandra’s Brain. every decision, every single decision cass makes in s3 is because of zhan tiri. why take the moonstone? zhan tiri tells her to. why is she so mad at rapunzel? zhan tiri made her that way. why does she attack rapunzel? zhan tiri convinced her she had to. why does she go to gothel’s cabin in TOTS? zhan tiri tipped her off that rapunzel would be there. why does her fragile truce with rapunzel fall apart at the end of TOTS? zhan tiri interfered. why does she try to reconcile again in OAH? she found out zhan tiri was… zhan tiri. why does that reconciliation fail? zhan tiri. why does cass ultimately redeem herself? because zhan tiri stabs her in the back first. 

*deep breath*

this is what happens when you troubleshoot a broken narrative with plot devices instead of opening it up to fix whatever is wrong with the underlying structure. in this case, cassandra not knowing about gothel from the get go broke her planned villain arc… and the creators applied zhan tiri like a bandaid, molding this new character into someone who could railroad cass down the preexisting plan for her villain arc. 

what needed to happen instead was a wholesale reexamination and reconfiguration of cassandra’s villain arc, her reasons for going down that path, and her reasons for coming back. even if finding out the truth about gothel was still the trigger for it, it’s ultimately not about gothel anymore. gothel is just the last straw. 

and in order to work with the characters as-established in s1-s2, the events of s3 would need to be framed that way. if, after all the shit she goes through in s2, cass met zhan tiri, learned that gothel was her mom and abandoned her for rapunzel, and finally just snapped and went after the moonstone because fuck this, fuck you, and then zhan tiri came in with the compassion and emotional validation and the “your mother treated you as a servant and then discarded you for something she thought was better, and so did rapunzel, didn’t she? but i see you, i believe in you, i am your friend, and we can help each other,” and cass bought that because she’s desperate for emotional support and kindness and fuck it, she’s on team demon now, only for her conscience to eat away at her until she couldn’t take it anymore and broke away from zhan tiri for good… then it works, full stop. 

like, you don’t have to change a single plot event for the gothel twist to work. you just have to string those plot events along an emotional throughline that makes sense and feels connected to what happened in s1-s2. you can’t use zhan tiri to graft the s3 arc of evil-all-along proto-cass onto canon s1-s2 and call it a day because that doesn’t work! you have to write for the characters you have, not their early planning-stages iterations. if you make a decision early on that breaks your original plan, you have to commit to redoing the whole plan. 

and if you do that, if you fix the underlying structure, you don’t need a character whose sole purpose is to railroad another character down a predetermined path that no longer fits her characterization; cass and zhan tiri can instead both be characters, acting according to their motivations and goals, and not puppets pantomiming the ghost of a broken plan. 

(you do still have to accept that zhan tiri will pull focus away from the cass+rapunzel friendship, though. them’s the breaks. don’t use zhan tiris if you’re not willing to let them gobble up the spotlight a bit.)

TL;DR: to fix the gothel twist, set it up better in s1-s2 by making the question of cassandra’s parentage, or abandonment by her parentage, important to the narrative at all, or else by focusing more closely on gothel being a disciple of zhan tiri; then execute the s3 villain arc in a way that makes sense for canon cass and what she experiences in s1-s2, rather than using zhan tiri to railroad her down the path evil-all-along proto-cass was supposed to take. 

the problem is a structural one so at the end of the day the solution is to fix the structure. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

[evakuality]

Mia, episode eight

1.  I know I’m just a grumpy oldish person and all, but ugh.  This whole ‘walking into school and holding hands while everyone gapes as if it’s amazing’ thing seems so stupid.  I work in a school, and maybe it’s different in Germany but this sort of thing just doesn’t seem to happen.  People just turn up together and it’s part of life (and also they break up again in 5 minutes so Plus, I’m annoyed that I was right and that Kiki seems to be 100% entirely okay with Mia and Alex now.  Her entire story appeared to be that she felt like she wasn’t good enough for Alex and so the whole eating/exercise thing was tied into that.  But now a) she’s totally ok with this whole Mia and Alex thing and b) getting together with Carlos has fixed all of her issues? I’m not sure I like the message we’re getting here.

2.  Oh, skateboarding and Alex of course gets all hyper aggressive.  I mean, obviously this is from the og and so a lot of the fault lies there.  But honestly I cannot stand these types of guys who think they need to act like this.  I don’t get why he can’t just say ‘he’s bad in this way...’ rather than totally blowing up at Mia and effectively accusing her of being an asshole by association (I mean, after last episode I think she is kind of an asshole - but that’s by association with Alex not this Bjorn guy).  William blaming Noora for all the problems in Skam was an issue and it’s not better here.  What’s the reason for attacking the guy with the board?  We have no idea and he seems super unreasonable.  I know that’s the point, but it’s not a good plot line and I don’t see why we had to keep all the really shitty stuff from the og.  And tbh, while I usually like Alex’s acting, here I don’t find him convincing at all.  He actually doesn’t look worked up enough yo go after the guy, and afterwards there’s nothing, no hint that he might feel like he went too far.

3.  I do like this opening on the next clip with Mia clearly stewing in the things she saw and conflicted about it all.  It’s these little quiet moments that really make for a good interaction with our characters imo, and I’m always a little sad that we get so few of them with Mia.  It was one of the things that I found best with Hanna, Matteo and Amira - these moments sitting with them in quiet and solitude where you get to see them unguarded.  It almost feels unnecessary to have this little chat with Linn and Hans’s guy because we clearly see what’s going on with Mia even without the dialogue.

4.  Interesting.  The last thing we’re asked in the previous clip is ‘what about this guy now’ but here we are and Mia is only concerned with Alex?  I genuinely don’t care about him (partly because ugh this character is not one I like anyway and so I have very little sympathy for him when he harms someone else), and I would actually like to know how the guy he hit is.  Now, again, I know this is coming through from the og and I know Bjorn is therefore really shitty but at this point the characters don’t know that and so I’d expect to see a little more interest and concern for him.  I’m sure that on the day, this was probably very poignant for viewers.  It’s Valentine’s day after all.  But the lack of any resolution of Alex being violent means I don’t actually care here.  Mia would be better off without an asshole. violent boyfriend, and as shitty as it would be to be alone like this on Valentine’s, she’d still be better off.  Plus, she could easily go hang with her friends.  Speaking of which, this thing with Jonas and Hanna is weird.  As if he has any claim on her now that they broke up?????  I’m starting to revise my opinion of them getting back together - this isn’t healthy behaviour from him at all and I don’t like what he’s doing here.  

5.  Interesting choice to have Bjorn telling Mia about Alex’s sister (I only watched the og once but from memory it wasn’t his counterpart who told Noora?  I think?), but this ‘Alex has told you something different - that figures’ is such a weird take.  Because yeah we KNOW Alex has been keeping stuff from Mia.  We saw that last episode and we were made very aware of it in the ‘spin the bottle’ scene among others, so making this like a big reveal and making it as if Bjorn is being a manipulative dick here is odd.  Like, it’s the truth?  Alex has been keeping stuff from Mia.  This show has spent a lot of time trying to make some moments real ‘gotchas’ for Mia, when actually they’re just genuinely telling us the truth about the character.  Alex does have this side, he always had it and he hasn’t really changed at all.  

6.  The use of this really annoying buzzing, whining noise is good though.  It works really well to put us in a space where Mia is out of sorts and finding it all overwhelming.  Alongside the brightness of the light, we do get a sense of dissociation, and the harsh glare of the light even after the moment is over really shines on how harsh this news is for her.  For most of the last 2 episodes we’ve seen Mia is softer, muted lighting so this is new and different and it really does play up the change that’s happening here.  ‘I got to know a different Alex’ - yeah, except she didn’t really.  Or we never got to ‘meet’ him alongside her.  It was told in montage and it wasn’t enough for me.  And the bits we did see of him being vulnerable also came with clearly hidden parts, and so this idea that she knows ‘the real Alex’ falls flat because (like I said a thousand times last episode) pacing was so off and things happened so fast that I don’t believe any of it.  Because we never really got to see anything very ‘real’ from him.  

7.  I’m also not sure why she’s believing this guy that her boyfriend clearly told her is an asshole.  Okay so Alex isn’t very available rn, but there are surely other people she could talk to.  Even if he hasn’t been the greatest, Sam for example is at least someone she knows.  This Bjorn guy is a dick, but unlike in the og when Noora went to William’s place and sort of fell into the issue, here Mia has chosen to go see him.  She’s deliberately put herself in his way.  And also, she’s literally being told that Alex kept stuff from her and held stuff back to manipulate her.  Why on earth does she just take this guy’s stuff at face value?  I know it’s supposed to be a whole ‘woah - falling for the thing he’s warning her of while he warns her’ moment for the audience, but it doesn’t work for me.  This guy isn’t charming or believable enough for her to not even consider going deeper into this.  But it’s an interesting call back to Mia’s phone call with her parents and how rigid they were, so you can sort of see why this part resonates for her.  Even so, dismissing Alex’s attempt to see her because of this is a choice.  Make it make sense!  It made very little sense with Noora and even less with Mia.

8.  One thing I really dislike about this Niko/Bjorn character is how cartoonishly evil they are.  Where’s the motivation for this guy to say all this to Mia?  He saw her exactly twice, barely knows how she’s related to Alex, and yet he decides when she comes to visit him that he should manipulate her?  The biggest flaw in the William/Alex story imo is the way they can only make him seem ‘good’ in comparison to a literal villain who has no depth.  Or I mean I guess we have 2 episodes to give this guy more depth but somehow I doubt it’s going to happen.  Everyone I’ve read talking about this has said this guy is worse than Niko, so I expect him to remain this weird cartoon with no reasonable motivation for any of this.

[afoolforatook]

V8 Ch 4 and Qrow’s speech about Clover.  And how we talk about how a character grieves, versus how grief is handled by writers.

So I really shouldn’t post this tonight because it’s 4 am and I’m tired and I’ve been thinking about this too much today already and this is something I should read over more..... But I’ve got to get it out before I can try to sleep. So, first off I apologize if this comes across poorly, or overly confrontational. It’s not at all how I mean it and I’m genuinely not upset with literally anyone. Just seeing some things that have me thinking about this more and more and it has me a little concerned, and I want to talk about it a bit more directly. 

I’ll probably add to this later or clarify or something… I just had to get it out of my head. 

I already talked about this some in response to theonceoverthinker’s post about it, and I’m too tired to try to cover all of that again, so if you want more context on how I feel about this, and why, please go read it. 

But I’ve seen some more posts about this conversation, and while for the most part I agree with a lot of what’s being said (and often on both sides of whether or not this was a good speech from Qrow) there’s one thing that I do want to address a little more that I think a lot of people aren’t aware of. 

In talking about this it’s important that we differentiate between having a problem with how we think the writers are going to use this speech to frame things, and having a problem with the fact that Qrow said what he said in the context of his current emotional state and grieving process. 

Do I think this was just amazing perfect writing and handling of Qrow expressing these feelings? Absolutely not. I have plenty of issues and really can’t say how I feel about it until I know where they are taking it/how they are using it to frame the entire situation.

Do I think it was just inherently awful callous dialogue that frames Clover as only important to Qrow because of his semblance and what that meant for Qrow/interaction with his semblance? 

Absolutely not. 

And that’s exactly where I have a bit of an issue. 

Because I totally understand people’s concern with that speech. And I have a very hard time right now trusting that CRWBY will handle it properly and not just use it to turn the narrative into blaming Clover. I don’t know if I trust them or not. I just don’t know. And that is deeply concerning. 

But the just surface of what Qrow said, without knowing how they will use it and further show his feelings, is not just the inherently awful thing I’m seeing some people take it as. And the reasons I’ve seen for people saying so, while completely valid things to take issue with in regards to CRWBY’s intentions in writing them, can’t just be blanket applied as issues with the fact that Qrow said them at all. (this is one of the things I feel fairly certain I’m not explaining well rn, and I’m just too tired to figure out. So I hope it at all makes sense).

My point is; depending on how things go from here on out, CRWBY may be completely wrong for why they included these lines and what they are having them mean. But Qrow, as a character, is not inherently wrong for having said or felt them. 

I can totally see why you would interpret these lines as concerning, and just plain poor takes on how to frame what happened in ch 12, and who to blame, and the nature of Clover’s importance to Qrow.. And like I said, it could very well be intended that way and negate everything I’m saying here. But by itself it’s not so black and white horrible. 

And this is exactly why I’m so nervous about how they handle Qrow’s grief. Because grief is a complicated thing. And what someone like me, who has processed a similar grief in a similar way, gets from this kind of scene can be very different to someone who hasn’t. And all of this said, I’m not trying to assume what anyone else has been through, or invalidate any grief, it’s very likely that others have dealt with a similar loss and feel very differently, or experienced their grief very differently. But, what I hope we all can agree on is that no one has the right to tell someone else they are grieving wrong. 

The thing about the kind of grief that Qrow is dealing with right now? It’s very rarely shown how people actually deal with it, especially in more than just one short scene. And if it is, it’s often romanticised and sterilized to be made into something easily understood by people who haven’t gone through anything like that. 

Because the truth is, this kind of grief is ugly. It’s complicated and contradicts itself. It can seem selfish and self absorbed. It is angry and reactionary. 

And it is very easy to say that what Qrow said is toxic or wrong. But it’s not. The intention the writers have in having him say it that way very well might be. But just what he said? 

Y’all that’s fucking grief. 

Fresh. Ugly. Messy. Angry. Confused. Tired. Grief. 

Healthy grief does not mean fair, clear headed, sensitive, open minded takes from the get go. 

Grief is incredibly flawed and unflattering.

And what concerns me is seeing people say it was outright terribly written dialogue, that was callous, and showed that Qrow didn’t really care about Clover beyond how he made him feel better about his semblance. 

Because when you’re grieving like that, one of the biggest fears is that people will tell you you are grieving wrong. That you’re being selfish. That you’re making it all about you. That somehow the way you are grieving proves that you didn’t really love the person as much as you thought. That if you just loved them more, if you were less selfish, if you were just a better person, you wouldn’t think those kinds of things.

And you internalise that shit. You internalise even just the fear of people thinking that. And that’s how people close up about their grief. That’s how people feel guilty for how they grieve. And that makes actually processing your grief and starting to heal so much harder, if not impossible. 

Qrow is still in the immediate aftermath of this loss. I’m awful with the exact timeline, but it’s what, like somewhere around 48 hours? With continued trauma going on around him. 

It is literally not possible for him to process everything fully like this.

The fact is that someone struggling with that kind of grief and trauma, and it having happened in a situation as complicated as what happened on the tundra (regardless of how terribly all of it was written), they’re going to say things that seem selfish. Or even victim blaming. Because they are processing. They are having to reconcile their own hurt and anger and grief and confusion. Fight between how they feel about the person they’ve lost, and their instinct to, in some way, protect themselves from a painful truth of how things really happened or who was to blame, or what mistakes they made. Even with Qrow accepting some of that blame, maybe even way more than he should, he’s still going to reflexively try to avoid taking parts of it that are particularly painful. I hate 90% of how people think of the stages of grief, mostly because they are not the clear linear thing that is often thought of. But this is the anger in a sense. It’s a protective lashing out. “If Clover had only!-” He wants to be angry, wants to be able to just say Clover was wrong, but as soon as he does he cuts himself off. He feels bad for trying to put the blame on Clover. That’s natural. 

Is it cool if CRWBY is trying to frame that as right? Fuck no. But the fact that Qrow is feeling it, is expressing it, is struggling with it back and forth? There is nothing wrong with that. 

Hell. Qrow even being able to say that it was his fault in some way, that he chose wrong in working with Tyrian, but then also stand firm in that he did not actually kill Clover, and apparently this is not the first time he’s said that. It might not be perfect. But the fact that he can even be there at this point is huge. 

I have said nearly exactly that same speech.  I said and thought things in the first week, even months, of my grief, that, even at the time, I knew were selfish. Were making everything about me. I hated myself for it. But I couldn’t stop it. And If I had tried? I wouldn’t have processed everything. I would have chastised myself for feeling things that I thought were wrong to feel. That’s not how you process grief. It’s how you get stuck in it. 

But the way Qrow looks at the pin? The way he pulls his thumb over it. The weak little laugh. The way he rushes to hide it. The fact that the first time we see him really asserting himself and his innocence is when Harriet threatens to take it from him. 

I know all of that. That exact expression, movement. 

He is so close to breaking. And he’s Qrow. He’s self conscious, self hating, isolating, Qrow. Talking about how this just confirms his own ideas of his position in relationships, his own fears about the danger of his semblance? That’s easy. That’s normal. It hurts like shit, but it’s manageable, he’s done it plenty of times before. Now it’s just a bit more raw. 

But flat out talking about the entire loss that was Clover? About their bond ,and who Clover was as a person, and his potential, his future? The loss that Clover experienced in having his life cut short? 

Maybe I’m shamelessly projecting again. But I truly do not believe that Qrow could manage to think, let alone talk, about that right this moment, and not completely break down. Which he knows he can’t afford to do yet. 

Talking about himself. About his semblance and what Clover meant to him in that regard. Is painful. It hurts. It’s heartbreaking. But it’s familiar. 

It’s angry. It’s small weak laughs because you are nowhere even close to okay but you can’t be as broken as you really are right now, so you’ve just got to stick it out.  

Qrow is Qrow. Regardless of whether the writers pull this off appropriately or not, I have no doubt that this man understands, and has thought long and hard, about autonomy. About the tragedy of how death strips every last shred of it from a person. About the cruelty of someone’s death not even being seen as about them. 

But right this moment, he can’t focus on that. There’s too much still to do. To worry about. To protect. 

Talking about Clover? Just as Clover? 

Facing that unfairness, that loss of autonomy, that stolen future (whether or not that future involved Qrow)? That is an entirely different kind of pain. 

I’m four years removed from my loss and I still can’t think about that too much because it’s physically painful. It’s irreconcilable. I can joke and laugh and be crass about how empty I worry my life will always be without Emma. But thinking, talking, about what I feel when I just sit with the fact that she’s not just not here with me, but she’s gone. All the things she never got to do or be or feel. The crushing cruelty of her having no say in how her story ended, or how she is remembered. I have made talking about my grief my career. And that is still something I have no words for. Thinking about it in those first few days? Is a large part of why I don’t remember so much of that time. It was too painful, so I just blocked it out. 

I said things. I thought things. I believed things. That were not fair. That were more about me and my pain than Emma. Hell, I know there were moments I was angry, and there wasn’t even anyone to try to blame for what happened. It was ugly emotion after ugly emotion. Bitterness piled upon bitterness. But that was part of the process. 

My point is. I totally understand if this speech makes you nervous. If you can’t trust the writers to turn it around into something good, that doesn’t frame it as Clover’s fault, or as Clover only being important to Qrow because of his semblance. 

But please know, that what Qrow actually said? Even if he was starting to blame Clover. Even if he was focusing only on how it hurt him because of his semblance. That is a natural part of grieving. It doesn’t matter if it would be an awful outlook for him to have at the end of everything. 

He’s not at the end. He’s processing. 

And outright saying that him saying that the semblance thing is what ‘really stings’, or being angry that Clover didn’t just listen to him, or anything else, is wrong and uncaring, isn’t fair. 

It might not be the right perspective. It might be blatantly wrong and unfair and self absorbed. But that’s okay. He’s not callous for that. 

His feelings about Clover, his respect for Clover, his grief over Clover’s death and the loss of his autonomy? None of that is diminished by him having moments where he wants to blame Clover, or where he focuses more on how this hurts him than how unfair it is for Clover. (again. I’m talking about just the surface of him saying this, not the intent and eventual narrative the writers have in doing it this way). 

I just want people to be careful as they talk about this. Because it’s valid. And both sides are valid in multiple ways. 

But please. Be careful in how you show your dislike for what you feel/fear the writers are going to do, and how you frame the issues with what Qrow said. 

Grief is an incredibly isolating thing. And when it’s fresh it’s so easy to feel horrible, to literally hate yourself, for the thoughts you have while processing your grief. 

We all want this to be handled properly, and we all are nervous about how bad it could be if it isn’t. But the last thing we need is people saying that Qrow is wrong or selfish for feeling and expressing what he is feeling, while he processes something so overwhelming and complicated as everything that is going on right now. 

It’s not fair to Qrow, but more importantly, it’s hurtful for everyone watching who has dealt with or is still dealing with these unpleasant, often shameful and seemingly vilified aspects of grief. 

There is no wrong or right way to grieve. There is nothing wrong with you for thinking things you normally wouldn’t, or for focusing on your own pain. The ugly parts of your grief do not mean you don’t care about the person you lost enough.

Just remember that the concern here should be about how the writers intend to use this speech. 

Not that Qrow said what he said. Those feelings can be wrong, unfair, selfish. But there’s nothing wrong with him for feeling that way right now. It doesn’t mean Clover meant anything less to him. 

It’s just grief. 

[lizacstuff]

Hey, Liza! Always look forward to your thoughts on the ep!:) so how did you like it along with the fragman? We only have 2 eps left, and not anticipating an ep Wednesday evening will be so unusual🥺

Thanks! I can't believe we're so close to the end. I'm sad, because this show has been my pandemic comfort show for a whole year now. What a joy it was to have this world and these characters every single Saturday last winter when so many of us were stuck inside and not seeing much of our family and friends (and while US TV was in limited production). I've also really enjoyed the cast's social media interaction and the amazing way they, and Hande and Kerem especially, gave of themselves and brought a little light, laughter and love into a dark time for many.

Ups and downs are unavoidable when you have a weekly two hour show that shoots on an unimaginably tight timeline with small budgets, and is 100% dependent on the love story of the protagonists. Add COVID to the mix and what a group of talented professionals to still turn out something so watchable and addicting week after week.

So kudos to the whole cast and crew, but special praise for Hande and Kerem who carried this show on their backs for 52 episodes and 58 weeks of shooting. They were able to create magic in every single episode, no matter what quality of material they were handed by a revolving door of writers. What a duo. I'm not sure I'll ever see a pair of better matched actors.

So while I'm sad the journey is ending and will miss the show, I'm also happy, because this show is going out the right way. The producers and network are giving this show and its fans the kind of send off that seems rare in the land of dizis: plenty of time and fully planned. Serkan and Eda are going to get the happiest of endings/beginnings. We're seeing glimpses of our OTP doing things that most shippers only ever dream about... or they only get in one five minute montage in the finale. Besides both characters overcoming their fatale flaws and finding happiness and fulfillment together, we've also gotten a multitude of shipper milestones, including numerous proposals, a wedding, a honeymoon, all the domestic moments we could ask for, them as parents, pregnancy and just all the happy family goodness.

This last batch of episodes have been so funny, sweet and gentle. This week, I was grinning like an idiot for almost the entire 2 hours. The comedy was A+ in this one. Serkan as a neurotically overbearing, but extremely loving and devoted father-to-be was spot on with what I think most of us expected of his character. Him wanting to take a moment to congratulate himself was priceless! And this episode filled my heart to the brim watching him fawn over Eda, whether it was them quietly at home, or him showing her the house he bought years ago. I will never be over him hassling Eda over going to the bathroom without him. What a treasure you are, Serkan Bolat!

It's a gift for Serkan to experience fatherhood from the start, but it's also a gift for Eda to have him with her every step of the way this time. I think that perspective will grant Eda patience as she navigates his well-meaning overprotectiveness. These two characters have been so marked by tragedy, that these happy moments, this happy ending, and the happy beginning they'll get to the rest of their lives feels so well earned.

On the lighter side, the whole gang at the office pretending to be employees was a great way to use the ensemble, and I admittedly laughed a lot at the silly misunderstandings floating around. A clever way to draw comedy from an episode with Serkan and Eda doing a very normal thing (keeping the pregnancy quiet until after the first trimester). How cute were Serkan and Kiraz as magicians? How adorable was Eda crying because she was so touched? How hilarious was that Ayfer/Serkan conversation? At least Serkan realized they couldn't have been talking about the same thing.

Speaking of supporting characters, what a relief it was to hear Ayfer blame herself for Eda's "depression" because she'd put so many roadblocks in their way. And, you know, vastly overstepped by creating an unnecessary custody fight. Finally some self awareness! Melo still deserves better than Burak, but that's happening so i won't go on about it. Piril and Engin still bore me, but I'll even miss them. Seyfi insisting that Kemal had a newfound family of four, not three, was surprisingly touching. He absolutely is a member of that family. And if any character is deserving of some mother-in-law headache, it's Aydan, so go Serkan's new grandma! Give her hell, lmao. The subtle evolution of Serkan and Kemal's relationship is great. Serkan is slowly accepting him into his life and it's wonderful to see a character who has never really felt a father's love realize it doesn't have to be that way. As crazy as their friends and family are, it's wonderful to see Serkan and Eda, and their growing family, surrounded by so much love. All in all, a funny, heartfelt episode as the series winds down.

[magnhild]

A Happy Review (kind of) of Ikenfell

Having ADHD means that I have a lot of trouble getting into new media if I’m hyperfixating on something else. As any follower of mine is no doubt aware, my current one is RWBY, and has been for a while. But with the show’s mid-volume hiatus underway, I ended up left in a void with nothing to fill it.

Two days ago, I had a friend reccomened to me a little indie RPG called Ikenfell. I’d never heard of it, but I was told it has a great number of LGBT+ characters, options to make gameplay easier, content warnings, and music composed by the great  Aivi & Surasshu, who you might know as the composers of Steven Universe. This grabbed my interest, but I found myself sketpical that it could be that good, and that the representation, in particular, was largely exaggerated and probably just mild implication. 

Nevertheless, I started the game the next day, intending to play for an hour or so before putting it down again, warning my friend that I was unlikely to get too invested in it.

Almost exactly 12 hours later, I found myself watching the epilogue play out with misty eyes, having finished the game and having gotten deeply pulled into it.

This game was everything it was promised to me and so much more. Between the representation, the accessibility options, and the overall charm of the game, Ikenfell ended up being laregly enjoyable and something truly special; a hidden gem in the plethora of video games released in 2020.

The game follows Maritte Hildegaard, a non-magical teenage girl, on the search for her yes-magical sister Safina, a witch attending the school of Ikenfell. A basic premise on the surface, but the story itself has a lot of neat little twists and turns that all come together for a satisfying story worthy of being animated someday. It probably won’t be, but hey, I can’t dream, right?

To begin with, I didn’t find myself too fond of the battle system, not because I found it flawed, but simply because I personally struggle with video game battles and they can also cause me a great deal of pain due to my connective tissue disorder and chronic shoulder pain. I was getting way too frustrated, even agaisnt smaller enemies, and was ready to put the game down after yet another failure agaisnt the same single boss. Tied alongside the fact you cannot see your enemy’s HP, making strategixing more difficult, I was ready to say that I wasn’t a huge fan of the game.

That is, until I found out about instant victory, an option in the settings that allows you to be given the chance to instantly skip literally any battle in the game, with no negative conequences and all of the rewards. For more avoid gamers, it might be tempting to mark this as a flaw that makes the game ‘too easy’, but is very much optional, and anyone who wants the challenge can play without it if they wish. But for disabled people like me, who also get easily stressed, it was an absolute Godsend that allowed me to focus more on the story and characters, which was what I really cared about.

On the note of characters, the representaion mentioned earlier is certianly no exxageration, with just about every named character being explicily LGBT+ in a way that I’ve never seen before in officially published media. I’m not just talking wlw and mlm characters, though there were plenty. No, the characters aren’t only diverse in sexuality, but in gender as well. Of the six playable characters, three- an entire half- of them are nonbinary. Several human nonbinary characters. And it goes even further- only one of these characters uses they/them pronouns. Why is that good? Because not all nonbinary people do. And that’s something that is severely overlooked by those with binary genders. One of them uses he/him pronouns, and the other uses ze/zir pronouns. You read that right. A main character in a video game, in media at all, that uses neopronouns. Now, I am fully aware that neopronouns have been used in media before; my own set were coined by a book, in fact. But in all of these cases that I’m aware of, they are used exclusively for non-human characters; aliens, bringing an implcation that neopronouns are nonhuman. This case, as far as I’m aware, is the first case that they are used to reflect and represent real human beings, and it is absolutely incredible. The LGBT+ representation in this game is amazing, but there is something very special and signifigant about a black, human, adult character, using neopronouns.

Even better yet is that this is all in the game completely casually, with no fanfare, no dramatic coming-out plotlines, no treatment as if it is anything but normal. Even the one instance of a character accidentally misgender another comes with a quick apology and correction with no big deal. Better yet is that terms like ‘gay’ and ‘nonbinary’ are explicitly used in-text as well, rather than avoiding the use of them as many other instances of LGBT+ characters in media do.

Aside from individual LGBT+ characters, the game also boasts five LGBT+ couples over the course of the story, though one is only sen in flashbacks and another is only mentioned between scenes. Nevertheless, it’s easy to become invested in the slight romantic aspects of the story.

SPOILERS AHEAD

One of these romances is between Ibn Oxley and Bax Twiford, and it’s the first one we see hinted at in the game. During the stoy’s climax, Bax is fatally wounded and I felt a heavy weight in the pit of my stomach, even tweeting an out-of-context ‘OH NO’ to confused and concerened followers. MLM couples in media are all-too-often doomed to fail, usually by way of having one half of the couple be killed off. I feared this would be the same case here, to the only MLM couple in the game, and resigned to it with a hevay heart.

Except, the game surprised me again, and saved Bax before he died, allowing for both characters to get their happy ending. In fact, all of the characters get at least somewhat of a happy ending, a refreshing detail for a sap like me. I was espeically pleased when I sat through the credits, praying for an epilogue that would confirm soemthing I was hoping for, being sure I wouldn’t get it, and then i got it. Every writing choice made felt like one of my own, albiet excuted better, with far more professionalism. It felt so utterly refreshing to have everything turn out the way I wanted it to.

Even decisons made outside of representaion satisified me, like Safina not being forgiven by Maritte after everything she’d done, including keeping Maritte’s entire existance from her friends. In many instances these days, it’s all-too-common for a character to do terrible things, only to be forgiven by everyone the moment they apologie, and it can be a bit frustrating if you’re someone who knows that nobody should ever feel obligated to forgive someone who hurt them, and that an apology is more than just saying ‘sorry’. It was yet another case of the story going exactly as I’d wanted it to.

END SPOILER WARNING

Ikenfell feels just like a fanfiction, and I mean that in the best possible way. Not because it’s exceedingly trope-y, or because it feels amature in any way, but because it doesn’t feel like something that was written for pleasing the (cishet and white) masses when it comes to its representation. The large majority of creators looking to publish their work will avoid going all-out with representation in fear of the classic ‘it’s not realistic’ critisism, with only fanfiction authors usually having the guts to make all of their characters LGBT+, because they’re writing for themselves and a small audience of people who enjoy the same things as them. Ikenfell has this same feel; it wasn’t created to be a huge, wildly popular, chart-topping game, it was created to be something that the people it represented could enjoy. It is the purest kind of video game, not one made for profit or attention, but simply because the creators wanted to create it. The fanfiction vibe also makes a lot of sense, considering the fact that was inspired by them- which may explain why I, laregly a fanfiction writer, agree with so much of its choices.

The game may not be everyone’s thing, but if you’re disabled, LGBT+, a POC, of even just someone who ejoys cute fantasy RPGs, I implore you to buy and play the game, because even my words can’t fully capture what an incredible game it is. There’s stuff I haven’t even mentioned, like the beuatiful music, the great visuals, and the many, many cats, so please, go and check it out for yourself.

Thank you for reading, and thank you to every single person who worked on Ikenfell for crafting such a lovely and inclusive game.