#but I also live in reality and know it’s possible it won’t

[swallowerofdharma]

Hi! Your posts are really insightful so i was wondering about your views on the nature of doumeki’s love? It seems unconventionally strong and unwavering but also controlling and desperate like a double edged sword so can it compliment yashiro’s need for the kind of love that helps him overcome the part of his trauma that stems from the absence of his mother’s love? I am hopeful but also apprehensive narratively speaking

Hello Anon, I share your feelings about being hopeful and apprehensive about the possible resolutions of the situation between D and Y. Lately, I’ve been thinking about how unlikely it would be that everything will be tied up nicely. There are in my opinion certain things that will remain unsolved, if the narrative keeps adhering to the reality of living life. I believe that feelings will be addressed and confirmed from both sides and D and Y will make a mutual commitment that hopefully surpasses the dimension of sexual partnership and force them to reveal their thoughts and fears to each other. After all I believe a main theme of the story is that love is a transformative force, but not a solution for anyone’s problems, those just don’t go magically away.

About Doumeki, I underlined a few times already that he fell in love while his life had been radically altered and he had not much else: he gave himself to love without any fear of losing himself in it since he already was in the position of having to reimagine a new life for himself. He was ready to follow Y regardless of where that choice would take him. Isn’t D the most relatable character of the two for most readers? Falling in love for the first time, and in a moment when he desperately needed a new direction, any caution went out of the window and he was ready to give himself up in every way possible, as long as he could have and keep the object of his affection near. That is a scary thing about love isn’t it? It changes our perception so much that it is hard to keep our judgment. When D is on his knees in front of Y, a gun pointed at his head, he says words that don’t have any other logic except that of an enamouredness that had transformed into blind and desperate devotion. At that moment, D seems completely broken over Yashiro’s rejection, with only his conviction to sustain him, because Y had become the sole focus and reason for living. That is an extremely dangerous position to be, that deadly nature of love that won’t listen to reason that is an extreme literature had exploited greatly. Juliet thought that Romeo was dead and the only course of action that grief and love suggested to her was dying too. If in love we find the greatest affirmation of life, then when we feel that we are losing it we are closer to death than ever. But the playwright is representing the extraordinary, an extreme of passion that cannot be taken as a model that can be seamlessly copied from in a reenactment of the “authentic” forces of love. This scary potential for love to make someone forget themselves in Saezuru is shown in the negative - D being carried by his feelings and forcing them and himself on Y, and later forfeiting his life for Y - and in the potential for the positive - Y confronting his convictions and fears.

chapter 33, confront these words with those Doumeki said in chapter 41

Love brought about an imbalance and disruption so great that the temporary separation was necessary: for D a chance to rebuild his autonomy and confidence in himself, but with that came a form of resentment, nurtured further by his misunderstanding of the nature of the relationship between Y and Inami. Why not him? So the bigger problem in my opinion has always been the fact that D has no real understanding of Yashiro’s situation, he doesn’t know much about his past, about his family’s dynamics or the relationship with Misumi, and he never quite realized how little power Y had over his circumstances, because Y is extremely good at making people believe that he had more agency and made his own choices in life, he built his understanding of himself on the idea of as a strong and willful person who was able to handle everything life gave him and transform his painful experiences into a more bearable and enjoyable and affirming image. Being confronted with the crude reality isn’t easy. D doesn’t know what he contributed to show Y: a worse set of memories than the ones Y had been carefully selected and manufactured during the years. And it doesn’t necessarily mean that D is at fault for what he doesn’t know, but he does make several mistakes in judgment and ultimately the habit of blurring the boundaries in the relationship first established by Y is exploited by D to a greater degree than what could still be treated as non particularly armful.

The fact is that even if Y was able to verbalize the dissonance he felt to D, he is aware that D might as well not be able to fully comprehend, and he has been proven correct in this regard previously. This is not only shown as destruction of trust, in Saezuru, I think that it is clear that Y thought that D is better off not having to bear any of Yashiro’s suffering, even if he will be hurt by the rejection of his feelings, Y thought that it would be better for him in the end instead of having to see or accept the parts that Y has yet to share of himself, an enormous amount of grief and insecurity, of baggage that Y wished to keep buried. Let’s be real here, love will always be a door opened to fear and grief for Y, because of memories he can’t erase. And he will need someone who would not waver to build a completely new habit of trusting another with his most vulnerable feelings. Even now, with D coming in between him and his self-destructive relationship with Inami (self-destructive and yet weirdly affirming to a part of himself that Y finds difficult to let go of), with D trying to reach Y again, without making his feelings overwhelmingly known this time, even now Y keeps thinking of Doumeki’s life as better without himself in it, with Izumi, with the Sakura group since Tsunakawa seems interested enough in keeping D around. Love once again left Y more aware than ever of his wretched existence, it had happened before, with Kageyama being the first person to make Y aware of his loneliness and uniqueness, and it hurt. And he doesn’t feel like he has anything valuable to offer to someone like D, especially if sex is involved, since sex to Y has always meant devaluation of himself and desiring a gentle touch from a man a sign of his wicked nature.

I think that Doumeki’s love has wavered during the years, it would be quite worrying if it hadn’t. Yoneda showed us that D was so affected by the discovering that Y went to meet Inami after D had thought he had given him the sexual release he needed (why else would Y need Inami? here we see the limit of D’s comprehension of the complexities of the situation Y is in as long as he is involved in the yakuza) that he took a step back and volunteered Kamiya to keep an eye on Y instead. Feelings were still there for D, and he was affected by meeting Y face to face once again at Kido’s restaurant, but not to the point of being unable to keep his distance, as he was able to do for four years. Love waits with a surprisingly strong persistence. Just by being a yakuza he had kept his connection to the life he wanted near Y. He wanted Y to choose him instead, when he saw that Inami had a relationship with him, when D was instead forbidden to keep one. That want stems from his incomprehension of a reality where someone like Inami has access to Yashiro. Inami is for both Y and D the ghost of their fathers that haunts their choices.

When I talked about D’s jealousy, my criticism was directed towards the actions that he took fueled by that emotion, in addition to some words he said and the ones he didn’t say. He wants to be on equal terms with Y, so he won’t clarify the nature of his relationship with Izumi unless Y admits to wanting him. If Y won’t break things up with Inami, D will forcefully take the place and function that he thinks Inami has in Yashiro’s life, not realizing that he is leaving Y with the feelings of being treated as a sexual object once again, of his agency being undermined repeatedly. Those aren’t equal terms any longer.

In my past analyses I wrote about the meaning of Doumeki’s first name and about the position of Saezuru as a story not written in compliance with the terms of the romance genre as we commonly see in the English-language market. Saezuru shows the contradictions between eros and love, doesn’t present them as synonyms, even when they coexist. Eros and love are treated as immense potentials for both affirmation and destruction of one’s self. Eros contains positive and negative qualities, the potential for love and for the opposite of it, being it cruelty or fear, it can bring us closer to life or drove us to our death, it promises happiness and can bring unmeasurable pain, being ruled by generosity or prevarication. Saezuru is a story that doesn’t treat us readers as babies or offer any simplification in showing the good and the bad in people or within the role of eros (hear! hear! sex isn’t inherently dirty either nor love is the secret ingredient that protect us from exploitation). Without darkness we can’t appreciate light, so we need to understand that everything is potentially good or bad, even love, we can only try to find a balance and an understanding so that we don’t hurt others in affirming ourselves nor we have to renounce ourselves to become dependent and subjected to someone’s else. That is why in Saezuru the answer could not have been a codependent relationship with everything else buried under the rug.

Anon, I don’t really know if I have managed to answer your question. The topic is tremendously difficult and Doumeki has closed himself up so we can only infer things. But I have blabbered quite a bit. I hope that some of it makes sense and thank you for reaching out to me and giving me an excuse to talk about this manga during this long period of hiatus.

[criedtoneverdreamagain]

If Warrior Nun doesn’t get renewed I’m actually going to lose my mind

[angelsinluv]

𝐀 𝐒𝐈𝐌𝐏𝐋𝐄 𝐆𝐔𝐈𝐃𝐄 𝐓𝐎 𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐓𝐄𝐒 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐌𝐀𝐍𝐈𝐅𝐄𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍

a guide on how to manifest quickly and effortlessly with the understanding of states! ♡

☆ ┊𝐓𝐀𝐁𝐋𝐄 𝐎𝐅 𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐒

what are states?

how to enter and sustain the state

dealing with the unfavorable (the 3D, emotions, doubts, negativity…)

quotes

a post by @blushydior + @angelsinluv

this is a joint/collab post between @blushydior and @angelsinluv. this was originally bambi’s post so she’d written most of it but doesn’t want to post it on her blog for personal reasons. so we thought it’d be a good idea for me to post it on mine and put our knowledge together since it’s been the talk lately.

there are many different ways of understanding the law and manifesting your desires whether it be behind a scientific point of view or the principle, states.

if you’d like to know how blushydior manifested her dream life with hard circumstances, read this post here.

now, let get into it.

☆ ┊ 𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐓𝐄𝐒

the sooner you understand and get the gist of states, the more seamless your manifesting journey will be. this realization is what brought bambi to manifest her dream life.

states manifest and thoughts don’t and i’ll explain why in this guide but in no way shape or form that i am pushing my beliefs onto you.

even if you don’t agree with that statement or are unable to fully click and resonate with states just yet know that states and thoughts work together to bring awareness to what mindset/story you’re entertaining.

for example, if you wanted to know what state you’re in, you would look at your thoughts. why? because when you change your state, your thoughts naturally change as well so therefore, thoughts and feeling are indicators of what you’re state in.

if your day to day thoughts are:

where are my desires?

why hasn’t the 3D conformed yet?

i didn’t get to saturate my mind today, now i won’t get it

you are coming from a state of lack. a state of not having your desire unaware that your imagination trumps the 3D. always.

i’m not saying it’s a crime to affirm all day. many people enjoy it so it’s not out of lack. it’s up to how you’re doing it.

with manifestation, you’re either in the state of:

being the person who has it

being the person who is trying to get it

in the law of assumption, what creates reality? your mind (consciousness)

so, if you’re affirming, visualizing, doing all these things IN YOUR MIND, to change your reality (3D) then…

BY DEFAULT:

imagination creates reality

the 3D is a reflection of your state of BEING

always look inwards for confirmation because that’s the true reality!

☆┊ 𝐒𝐄𝐋𝐄𝐂𝐓 𝐘𝐎𝐔𝐑 𝐃𝐄𝐒𝐈𝐑𝐄𝐃 𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐓𝐄

aka choose what you want to manifest! this would mainly be the state of the wish fulfilled.

state = your state of being / state of consciousness. your I AM.

it’s what you identify as. your awareness of being.

choose what you want and embody the version of you / person who already has their desire.

for example, if you wanted $10 million, you choose to be in the state of fulfillment - the person who has $10 million.

that is now your state - the person who has their desire. the state of the wish fulfilled.

☆ WHAT IS THE STATE OF THE WISH-FULFILLED?

the state of the wish fulfilled is the state in which your desire has already been fulfilled - that it is already done because consciousness is the only reality. there is nothing left for you to do because creation is finished!

you do not create anything, you only occupy and live in your desired state to bring it to life. this is why there is power in your awareness (of being). be aware of who you are being in relation to your desire.

☆ MORE ON STATES

infinite states exist within consciousness - this means that anything is possible and not all of them are true/will manifest. only the state that you constantly dwell and identify with, manifests.

this is also why infinite realities exist. your state is your reality.

❝ The world is a mirror, forever reflecting what you are doing, within yourself. ❞

☆ ┊ 𝐓𝐑𝐀𝐍𝐒𝐅𝐎𝐑𝐌 𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐌 𝐈𝐍𝐓𝐎 𝐅𝐀𝐂𝐓

now that you set the intention of embodying the person who has their desires, thoughts, feelings, and beliefs that align with your state will naturally flow to you.

as you can tell, thoughts and feelings are a product of a state but repeating affirmations, visualizing, doing whatever you want can also help you sustain and being into the state. that’s what techniques are for!

so what would you be thinking and how would you feel if you had your desire?

thinking = imaginal acts that include visualizing, affirming, inner convos, feeling, etc.

thinking is not just affirming because there are people who think in visuals and others who think in forms of words (affirmations). do what feels natural to you. — blushydior

affirm: “i have $10 million dollars in the bank!”

visualize: any scene that implies you have $10 million dollars in the bank

feeling: nonchalant / at peace / etc. knowing you have $10 million in your possession.

that is now your awareness / state of being

feeling ≠ emotion!

feeling = accepting your desire as a fact that it is yours because consciousness is the only reality.

☆ 𝐀𝐁𝐎𝐔𝐓 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐅𝐄𝐄𝐋𝐈𝐍𝐆

remember that the feeling is natural and it won’t be the same every single time. for example, if you’re now just starting to understand and enter the state of the wish fulfilled, it might be exciting, relieving - euphoric even but as you exercise returning back (persistence) to dwell in the state, it’ll start to feel natural. it might start feeling nonchalant, peace, calmness! so if you reach that point and start to worry, “i feel nothing but I know it done. am i doing something wrong?” no you’re not. it’s okay!

you don’t have to act as if. only be as if.

❝ Are you thinking from the state you desire? or is your dream just a passing fancy, a daydream you enjoyed for the moment, and then dropped? ❞

if you say you want money, are you gonna keep WANTING it? NO. to manifest, you ARE the person who has the money.

that’s it. that’s your state! you changed who you are.

YOU ARE THAT PERSON WHO HAS THE MONEY. simple. (that’s because the law is)

☆ 𝐓𝐑𝐘 𝐈𝐓 𝐖𝐈𝐓𝐇 𝐌𝐄 𝐍𝐎𝐖

close your eyes, claim you have what you want. by affirming, visualizing, whatever feels good to you.

see it, feel it, know that your mind creates your world. what you see is THE REAL FACT.

isn’t it liberating? BECAUSE IT IS.

you are free to do and have whatever you want! this is why the 3D, circumstances and feelings DO NOT MATTER. why? because YOU, the operant power JUST SAID you have it in your mind so why are you going to let emotions and the 3D effect you?

now, accept these thoughts and your state as facts because that’s what they are. consciousness is the only reality so if you say and know that who you are in imagination is true, the law has no choice but to reflect your awareness of being.

not all thoughts are assumptions and you are not all of your states!

the state and thoughts you identify with manifests.

you are always passing through a number of states throughout your days. a state of sadness, a state of anger, a state of nonchalance, a state of fulfillment.

dwell and identify with the state of your choosing = the person has all their desires!

it’s the same thing with thoughts.

“thoughts are just thoughts. thoughts accepted as true are assumptions. and thoughts/assumptions are products of your state of consciousness. feelings do not mean emotion. feelings = the acceptance that your desire is a fact in imagination.” — blushydior

like i said, thoughts are just thoughts. unless you assign meaning to doubts and affirmations, they hold no power. you do. so which one are facts and which ones are powerless?

your imaginal acts, awareness of being (visualizing / affirming / inner convos / feeling / auditory / etc) = fact

doubts, intrusive, negative thoughts = powerless. don’t even care enough to label them. they’re silly little thoughts.

☆ ┊ 𝐒𝐔𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐈𝐍 𝐘𝐎𝐔𝐑 𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐓𝐄 - 𝐏𝐄𝐑𝐒𝐈𝐒𝐓

all you have to do now is persist in that assumption and sustain your state until it hardens into a fact.

A COMMON MISCONCEPTION is that you have to CONSCIOUSLY be in the state all day everyday. NO. all you have to do is return to it/persist whenever you WANT to and WHENEVER you think about it

❝ You don't have to remain in a state if you have made a mistake. You can change states morning, noon, and night, but the state to which you most constantly return constitutes your dwelling place. ❞

SEE! it’s really no different. it’s the same as meditating on affs or rampaging, visualizing, thinking from your desire etc but it’s the fact that you are doing these things to make it natural & bc you enjoy it, not because you “don’t see it in the 3D” and you freak out then over-consume, affirm more, etc.

whenever you think about your desire, remind yourself that you already have it. 

if you caught yourself dwelling in a place of lack, for example, asking “where is it?” / “it’s not here yet.” — correct yourself. return to the wish fulfilled and feel it to be a fact in imagination.

and you keep doing that WHENEVER YOU WANT TO until it feels natural. like neville said, it’s like putting on a new suit. at first it won’t feel natural but over some time, you won’t even be “conscious” of it because you already / naturally feel fulfilled! read my quotes thread that relates to this.

this is where methods come in as well. it gets you to dwell in your state whenever and however you want.

methods don’t hold any power. you do.

it’s not a chore. it’s a choice.

easy peasy.

❝ You can tell if you abide in your house of desire by watching your thoughts, for the state in which you most constantly return constitutes your dwelling place. ❞

☆ ┊ 𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐆𝐑𝐀𝐓𝐔𝐋𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍𝐒

you have fulfilled the inner man, accepted it as a fact and got your manifestation.

☆┊ 𝐃𝐄𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐖𝐈𝐓𝐇 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐔𝐍𝐅𝐀𝐕𝐎𝐑𝐀𝐁𝐋𝐄

doubts, the 3D (interacting vs. reacting) and emotions

doubts, intrusives, opposing thoughts

you let them pass because you are already the person who has it all. if you identify as the person who has their desires (“i have xyz”) why would you let little doubts deter you? they can come in your mind ALL DAY but if you don’t identify with them, they don’t hold power.

if YOU know you’re already the person who has their desire, nothing and no one can stop them from conforming.

for example, if you were famous and all of a sudden you were told “no, you’re not!”

would you go:

“i’m not? oh my god… you’re right. i’m not famous!”

or

“uh…? wrong. because the evidence* is right there? i just said i’m famous so that’s what i am…. famous. lol.”

*evidence = you. your state/4D/mind.

☆ ┊𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝟑𝐃 - 𝐈𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐀𝐂𝐓𝐈𝐍𝐆 ≠ 𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐂𝐓𝐈𝐍𝐆 

→ ┊ REACTING is looking at the 3D and complaining. settling for what you see as a fact.

EXAMPLE: seeing the opposite of your manifestation

DON’T: “my life sucks. i hate it here. see? this is why i can never manifest what i want.” and settling for these thoughts as facts.

DO: “it doesn’t matter what i see. what and who i claim to me in my mind/imagination is the real fact that has no choice to be externalized!”

→ ┊ INTERACTING is doing what you need to do in the 3D/physical world but knowing that what you claim in your mind is the REAL fact.

EXAMPLE 1: you’re manifesting a romantic partner.

physically: when someone asks you “hey, are you in a relationship?” you say no.

but in your mind you go: sike. i have the perfect girl/boyfriend 🤭🤭

EXAMPLE 2: you’re manifesting money

physically: you decline to hangout with your friends because you have no money at the moment.

but in your mind you go: “i literally have so much money lol ?? i’m the richest person in the world with all the money i have in the bank.”

EXAMPLE 3: attending therapy or venting to loved ones

physically: “life’s been really difficult lately and it makes me feel stuck. i had a few breakdowns and anxiety problems, etc.”

mentally: (after venting) “that made me feel a little better. i let my feelings out instead of bottling them in. i know i have/will get my desires! everything’s okay. i’m safe.”

it doesn’t matter what you do or say in the 3D!

consciousness is the only reality so if you continue to dwell in the state most favorable to you, that is all that matters!

☆ ┊𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐒𝐔𝐂𝐂𝐄𝐒𝐒𝐄𝐒 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐅𝐀𝐈𝐋𝐔𝐑𝐄𝐒 𝐖𝐇𝐄𝐍 𝐈𝐓 𝐂𝐎𝐌𝐄𝐒 𝐓𝐎 𝐑𝐄𝐏𝐄𝐓𝐈𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍

in this context: the repetition of affirmations. not repeatedly going back to the state of the wish fulfilled.

i’ve gotten a number of asks in the past asking me why they didn’t get what they want if they repeated the thought so many times. my only conclusion from this side of the screen is that you are in the state of trying to get it.

when manifesting, you don’t try. you either have it or you don’t. 

so are you person a?

“okay i have to affirm on loop for 20 minutes, 2 times a day or else, i won’t get it my manifestation!”

blushy’s observation: you aren’t being the person who has their desires if you still feel like you need to get them. so you do all these things like over-consume information, force yourself to affirm the same affirmations on loop 1000x, looking for more answers, etc.

you simply aren’t in the state of being. you’re in the state of lack / trying to get it.

how can you try to get something you already have?

so switch states! how? scroll back up.

or person b?

“i feel like saturating my mind. why not? it’s fun.” →

“i already have all of my desires because i said so. there’s no need for me to worry or stress because it’s already mine! it’s done…” and so on.

so do you have it? yes or no?

☆ ┊𝐒𝐎 𝐖𝐇𝐘 𝐃𝐎 𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐓𝐄𝐒 𝐌𝐀𝐍𝐈𝐅𝐄𝐒𝐓 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐓𝐇𝐎𝐔𝐆𝐇𝐓𝐒 𝐃𝐎𝐍’𝐓?

a related question: do dominant thoughts manifest?

you can affirm all day and be able to affirm on autopilot in the middle of your sleep or doing chores but if you:

don’t accept them as facts (assumptions)

identify with them

are in the state of trying to get them by going: “i need to affirm more or else i won’t receive my desire.”

you won’t see results.

that’s why it can only take one decision for a manifestation to come to fruition. you fully accepted it as a fact that the version in imagination is the true person who has it whether it be a desire or doubt.

it’s all about the knowing it’s already yours IN IMAGINATION - that your success is inevitable and it has no choice but to conform and harden into fact.

it’s called the law of assumption for a reason! (as neville even once said, law of being) you accept / assume you are the person who has it as true without any physical evidence because you know that imagination creates reality.

❝ This is the law of assumption so, if you assume that repeating affirmations all day will get you some kind of movement / your manifestation, that’s what you’ll get. It’s the same thing with techniques and methods, you give your thoughts and these ways of manifesting power. Thoughts are products of your state of consciousness but it doesn’t mean they’re all true. The idea that dominant thoughts manifest makes it seem tedious. The law is simple. Especially for people who are new to the law, you’re introduced to this idea and you begin to police every thought you have and affirm all day, everyday to make sure that your every dominant thought surrounding each topic in your life is a positive one. That’s exhausting and it’s not supposed to be. It contradicts the fact that you don’t have to make a smidge of effort in order to get your desires. […] It gives your thoughts power when you are not your thoughts. You are who you claim to be in imagination because imagination creates reality. So if you visualized or affirmed that you are the person who lives their dream life and accept it as a fact in your mind, nothing can make that change other than you and you are pure consciousness. You can have negative thoughts and feel your emotions because just like the outer world, they have nothing to do with you unless you identify with them. So choose your story. Your silly little thoughts or the fact that you are the person who has their desires. ❞ — blushydior

all you have to do is accept it as a fact that you are the person who has their desire and you will manifest faster than the speed of light.

this is my opinion but i don’t like the idea of affirming so much to wait until a thought is dominant so it can manifest. it’s very limiting.

it is a fact that you ARE the person who has your desire! the reason why affirming on loop and “dominant thoughts manifest” concept works for others is because they assume it does. remember that techniques don’t manifest, you do.

❝ An assumption, though false, if persisted in, will harden into fact. ❞

if you are affirming on loop and aren’t seeing results, this may be your problem and understanding states is the solution you’ve been looking for!

☆ ┊𝐖𝐇𝐘 𝐃𝐎 𝐏𝐄𝐎𝐏𝐋𝐄 𝐀𝐅𝐅𝐈𝐑𝐌 𝐎𝐍 𝐋𝐎𝐎𝐏?

this goes along with manifesting with hard circumstances and being a neurodivergent!

i state in my guide that i knew i was the person who already had my desires and since i was constantly filled with intrusives, doubts, and other things (i didn’t identify with them, i just wanted them to lessen) i repeated them as reminders to made me feel better to saturate my mind that: “yes! i do have it.”

saturation is NOT necessary. you don’t need to do it but it helps in many cases as a technique to sustain your state and coping mechanism. it makes persistence easier for many.

another thing. 

if you are this person: 

“okay i’m going affirm all day and then i will get it!”

you will succeed because that is the assumption you’ve created. you fully accepted it as a fact that if you repeat it over and over again, you will get your manifestation.

so yay! you got it.

☆ ┊𝐄𝐍𝐃𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐍𝐎𝐓𝐄

[sugrhigh]

BOY NEXT DOOR 9 - ( c.s )

part eight

summary- you and your roommates live beside a bunch of senior hockey players, one of them being the infamous team captain chris sturniolo. he’s effortlessly flirty and undeniably attractive, but he’s also a pain in your ass. you find that you have to fight between lust and hatred as you finally get to know the boy next door, whether you want to or not.

warnings- angst, swearing, i think that’s it

a/n: i’m back my little goblins let’s get it!!!! part ten of this series will be the final part, and then i plan on writing an ‘epilogue’ type chapter to wrap it all up. i’m hoping to have them up as quickly as possible, but ive been absolutely slammed so im sorry if it takes me a minute. i love u always and i’ve missed being on here so i hope you enjoy <3

(if you asked to be tagged in the last part and weren’t tagged it’s bcs it wouldn’t let me!! i’m so sorry i tried my hardest)

to be let down, you have to expect something from someone. it’s a mistake you’ve made far too frequently in your years on earth, especially in college, but this time around the grief is debilitating.

you spend the rest of your weekend locked inside your room, attempting to sleep away the heartbreak. somehow dreaming almost makes it worse; for a second you’re able to forget about being completely humiliated, until you wake up in reality once more.

it doesn’t help that chris has been absolutely blowing up your phone since the moment you left. every call and text goes unanswered. it’s impossible to read them, so most of the time you don’t.

hell, you can’t even open your curtains because you’re too scared that he’ll be looking back at you when you do. so you block out the sunlight, ensuring that your room matches your dreary feelings.

you figure he’ll give up on trying to talk to you eventually. you’re not different. he’s not different. and once chris regains that pride of his, he’ll go right back to fucking some other girl he won’t care about half as much.

thoughts like those make you cry even harder, as much as you hate it. but you know the disinterest will wash over him sooner or later, and you resent that inevitable day.

cassidy and ramona check on you pretty much every other hour. it makes you feel even worse that they’re so concerned, but neither of them have ever seen you like this. at least not since freshman year, when you dated an upperclassman for a couple months just for him to dump you over text.

even that heartache was relatively short-lived. but this pain follows you into the week, trailing behind you like a shadow you can’t get rid of. it sits beside you in class, curls up next to you in bed, weighs your shoulders down whenever you walk.

it feels like you’re struggling to stay afloat, to even act like a real human anymore. chris consumes your brain, and so do the ‘what if’s’ of your situation. it makes the week drag on, even though you try to spend most of it asleep.

to make matters worse, his multiple notifications continue with a routine consistency, almost like clockwork. you figured he’d already be over it, but he clearly doesn’t want to make himself easy to forget.

you have to admit that you’re glad his persistence lasted at least this long, even if it’s for selfish reasons. you’re disgusted that the attention satisfies you, but it’s not an unwelcome change considering all you’ve been feeling lately is queasy.

still, you don’t read them, or pick up when he calls. you can’t hear his voice, because you know it’ll absolutely break you.

and then finally, on friday, you see him in the flesh. you’re walking home from your bus stop after the only lecture you managed to get to that day, and there he is, getting out of his car.

your throat seizes up; there’s no way to avoid this. it’s easy to ice someone out over text, but it’s a hell of a lot harder when he’s your neighbor.

before you can snap your head away he’s turning to look in your direction, eyes equally as wide as yours once the recognition washes over him. he looks like shit, and yet he’s still so goddamn beautiful it makes you physically sick.

for a brief moment, everything stops. you just stare at each other.

chris takes in you in, the way you look noticeably drained. he feels that familiar nauseous pang in his stomach flare up, knowing that he stole the spark from your eyes.

the worst part is that you’ll never look at him with that fire again. there’s nothing he can do to bring it back now, no way to reverse the past.

then—before he can decide what to do in the present—you break the spell, cutting through your other neighbor’s lawn to get to your front porch. everything in him wants to run after you, so much so that he has to physically restrain himself.

you hear him calling after you, and something about him shouting your name stirs the tears awake once more. but you make it through the door before they fall, because you can’t show any more vulnerability than you already have.

getting inside doesn’t mean that you make it up the stairs, though. the physical and emotional exhaustion catches up to you, and you collapse around halfway through your blurry climb to your room.

your elbows dig into your kneecaps, hands holding your head while you sob. it seems impossible to catch your breath, or calm down in the slightest, and your cries only grow louder.

normally you’d be careful about the noise, but there’s no one to hide from right now. nobody is home. it’s just you and your thoughts, which, as always, are full of him.

you may be able to push him out of your life, but you have a feeling he’ll be lingering in the corners of your mind forever.

the post-game locker room mood is completely miserable tonight. after that last minute loss and the thirty minute bitch-session they just endured from their coach, it honestly should be.

chris barely even has his skates off before his teammates are all over him, which he expected but still dreaded.

his head’s not in it, and everybody knows.

“what the fuck is wrong with you, man? it’s like you’re not even awake out there.” one of the team’s leading defensemen, luke, yanks him up by his jersey roughly.

for a second he pauses, setting his jaw and puffing his chest out slightly. the accusation, though it’s not completely untrue, pisses him off.

so much so that chris retaliates by shoving him back to his rightful place a foot away. “get the hell off of me, man.”

luke looks like he’s ready to jump into action again, but connor steps in between before anything else can happen. he’s also very visibly angry, a side that doesn’t come out often.

and just because he stopped a physical fight from breaking out doesn’t mean he’s going to stay silent. “he’s right. you’re playing like shit, and we‘re way too far into the season to be blowing it now, especially with selection show right around the corner.”

chris can feel his blood is boiling at this point, knowing that even his roommate is going to support this kind of disrespect towards his own captain. the rest of the team is watching silently, but he can’t find it anywhere in himself to care.

the words have already bubbled up, and he won’t hold them back anymore.

“oh come on, it’s not like anyone else was stepping up! dylan turned the puck over every other play, ben was offside during that odd man rush, and don’t even get me started on you and the high sticking penalty that just lost us that fucking game.” he shoves his pointer finger against connor’s chest for emphasis, trying to make sure his criticism stings as much as possible.

but his friend is quick to swat his hand away, shaking his head once sharply.

“no, you don’t get to turn it on everyone else. you lost it for us during that sorry excuse of a penalty kill. you let that little UMass shit go right by you, which is why he had a wide open shot to score the game winner. you’ve been making dumb mistakes like that for two weeks now, and we all know why.”

that implication is enough to send chris over the edge, because nobody has the right to mention what happened between you and him. knowing about the situation doesn’t mean they should get to speak on it.

he can feel his fingernails digging into his palms, both hands balled into tight fists at his side. the anger coursing through his body makes him shake ever so slightly, almost like he’s humming.

“keep going and i’ll bust your fucking face in.” chris says, voice eerily calm despite the fact that his body is screaming.

but connor doesn’t back down; he stands tall with an unwavering gaze that’s more serious than ever before. “you gotta grow a pair and start being our captain again. you fucked up, and losing someone you’re actually into because of that sucks. most of us have been there. but trying to throw everyone under the bus is bullshit when you’re the one that needs to get it together.”

nothing about his words are intentionally meant to hurt, and chris knows that, but for some reason they do. probably because he doesn’t want to hear the truth, or start coming to terms with the fact that he actually did lose you.

he really doesn’t ever want to accept it.

but his ego won’t let him say that. instead, chris shifts his gaze to observe the rest of the room, at all of his teammates, before focusing on connor once again.

“if you don’t think that i’m your captain anymore then find a new one.” he spits.

the room somehow gets even more quiet; everyone is stunned by the out-of-character reaction. for the most part, chris really is a good leader. they all voted for him to represent the team when it came time, and the group dynamic has been great since then.

but he doesn’t feel like that guy now. he’s not sure who he is anymore. so he throws the rest of his equipment into his bag and yanks it over his shoulder.

“really, chris?” it’s ben this time, who’s clearly dumbfounded by the theatrics.

he doesn’t respond, and he tries not to hesitate too much as he makes his way out of the locker room. everyone lets him pass, which makes it even harder to leave.

it feels so wrong, but his feet keep pushing him forward regardless.

when chris finally makes it home twenty minutes later, the frustration has only festered. he doesn’t like anything he’s doing, and yet it’s spiraling out of his control. by the time he gets to his room, tears of aggravation have made their way down his face.

he wipes them away harshly as he stares out his window at your room, which is still closed off by your curtains. it’s like his heart seizes up just from being this close to you, knowing that you’re in there yet he can’t reach you.

and maybe that’s the problem. chris loves hockey, but at the end of the day he clearly loves you more. and with things the way that they are, his heart is fully wrapped up in you, not the game.

it’s terrifying, and it’s painful. he never thought that there’d be anyone to test his bachelor lifestyle until you came around, and he can’t just go back to normal because he doesn’t know how.

he’s been permanently changed, and it feels like a huge part of his new life is suddenly missing.

you saw the deepest parts of him, parts that he didn’t even know existed, and he saw the same side of you. you challenged him in ways he’d never experienced, and he loved that he always felt like he was evolving when you were together.

now he just feels stagnant, unsure of himself.

the only thing he’s sure of is that he needs you, whether that makes him inconsiderate or not. he can’t keep sleepwalking through life, but he’s not sure what else there is to do.

simply put, he misses you like hell. so he lays back in bed and closes his eyes, trying to remember what it felt like to have you right beside him.

@fawnchives @l9vesick @55sturn @luverboychris @teapartyprincess4two @pinksturniolo @mattinside @stonermattsgf @impureals @chrisactualwife @fikefries @riasturns @mattybsbitch @mattsmunch @sturnifyed @julessspoetry @beijhe @gnxosblog @braindead4l @orangeypepsi @ponyosturniolo @cupidsword @rainydayenthusiast @sturnvvz @wurlibydominicfike @poopydroopt @bernardsleftbootycheek @trilliwarner @rubyjanexxx @reallykaz @neatcarrot767 @kirby0strombolli @bunnysturns @junnniiieee07 @hrt-attack @sturnssmuts @stunza @beccaluvschris @asturniolos @slutz4sturniolos @mattslolita @alorsxsturn @sturnrc @chrissystur @kellsbells-18 @realqueenofpepsi @snowysosturn @secretfangirly @scarlettbitches @satvisfavetoodles

[dear-ao3]

hello and greetings to all my friends moving into college dorms this time of year!!!

while it is a well known fact that college dorms are often not cleaned at all between people, it is important to tell the administration about things that are absolutely Abysmal.

for example: things that are beyond broken, extremely dirty conditions, clear evidence of vomit/bodily fluids, anything that plain doesn’t work, etc.

to be clear, i am not talking about things that can be fixed with a bottle of clorox wipes, some disinfectant, or a screwdriver. these are things that are either a health hazard or are not in proper working condition.

my credentials on this matter: i was a resident assistant for 2 years. i’ve seen some shit.

here’s what you can do!!!

do not try to talk to anyone in person ESPECIALLY on move in day. all administration that can deal with your problems are probably dealing with bigger problems. move in day is an absolute mess. don’t try and bother res life on move in day unless you physically cannot move into your room for some reason (like there’s a clear cut maintenance problem). you can try to talk to someone, but chances are it won’t get you anywhere other than frustration. it sucks, but that’s the reality of it.

take before and after pictures!!! document everything!!! make sure your pictures are clear, take photos, etc. you will need these. show what you did to clean/fix the problem if necessary.

send a long and detailed email to the following people: the director of residential life, the head of facilities/ building management, the office of accessibility/ student services/whatever it’s called on your campus (even if it is not an accessibility issue usually these people are the fastest to respond), and the college president (often they won’t respond but it gets everyone else’s attention). if applicable you can also send the email to the head of campus safety/security and student health services/ health center). include your photos and make the email as long and detailed as possible. send this email ASAP. you need a paper trail. if you got get a response in three business days send a follow up email and go down to the res life office (often they will say they are busy and no one can speak to you, but sometimes you just have to annoy the crap out of them)

tell your ra. tell them multiple times. a lot of the time they can’t do anything about it, but they can tell their supervisor about it.

keep pestering people until you get an answer. don’t feel bad about it. you should not be paying tuition to live in a shit hole that violates health codes. a lot of the time they can’t move you elsewhere, but the school should still know about the problem.

get your parents involved as a last resort. generally offices hate dealing with parents but if you’ve exhausted all other avenues then go ahead and do it.

i wish you all the best of luck, remember that you are in college to learn and learning how to deal with stubborn administration is definitely one of those things. a little dirt is normal, but sticky carpets, broken glass, broken thermostats, etc, are not. you’re paying to go there, get someone to fix it.

[deliciousbasementtrash]

Playing Nurse for the Batfam

From Injustice Gods Among Us Year 5 #15

Summary: you are a nurse working for Gotham General Hospital. Batman has offered you a job. Will you take it?

Pairing: Slowburn Jason Todd x reader, (maybe a why choose with Dick Grayson as well?? Idk tell me what you guys want)

Warning: Adult language, parental abuse, parental neglect

Word Count: 1.6k

Note: These characters are not my own they belong to DC. The only character that is 'mine' is the reader. I am going to be as nondescript as possible for the reader as well for physical attributes. This is a continuation series; I’m not sure how long it will be. Also for some reason, my replies to comments are not showing up. I’m not ignoring your comments Tumblr won’t let me respond :( But please, please comment I live for it 

Part One, Part Two

Part Three: Skip-Bo and Chess

My mind raced as I went over the contract. Everything seemed too simple, too easy. The only terms and conditions I had to abide by were that I wouldn’t reveal his identity and that I would need to essentially be on call from the hours of 21:00 to 7:00, but roughly 24/7. The pay was a ridiculous amount. The insurance was crazy good. I didn’t realize it was possible to get that much coverage. But this went against everything I have represented in my life. Would I be betraying the people of Gotham, my patients, and my fellow coworkers, by taking this job? Would I be betraying myself and my past history? 

Gotham City: 16 Years Ago 

My father and I stood over my mother’s grave. It was strange. My mom was a woman who breathed life into everything. She never wore a dull color, she danced whenever she could, and she sang horribly and off tune. She wore her hair in two long braids with colorful ribbons. She wore sweet perfume. She wore red lipstick. She wore so many necklaces and bracelets she jingled when she walked. She snorted when she laughed. And now when I looked at her all I saw was dirt and a gravestone. Her colorfulness, her loudness, her laughter, her joy, all of it was gone. I knew I couldn’t cry though. Not in front of Dad. He got so much meaner when I did. Sometimes I wonder what my beautiful, colorful, caring mother saw in this cruel bleak man. But I guess his bitterness was supposed to balance out her sweetness. 

But without her, it felt like I was choking on the disgusting taste of my reality. We were grieving. We had no money. And the debt just seemed to be getting deeper and deeper. I tried selling homemade cookies at school to help out. I raised about 22 dollars. I came home with a smile on my face and handed my father the money. He pocketed it without another word. It was almost worse when he was like this.

It felt like he was a teapot that was brewing and I was just waiting for the wrong thing to set him off. 

Some days when I came home from school he was home. He didn’t say anything. He didn’t look at me. Other days he wasn’t there. I had to scavenge the house for food or walk to the convenience store with what little money I had scurried away. 

It felt like my life had become black and white without my mom. Everything seemed so hopelessly bad. Then one day my dad came home with a smile on his face. My first instinct was to tense my body and avert my gaze. I didn’t know what he was going to do. 

“Sweetie, come with me. I have an idea,” my father said, grabbing my wrist and pulling me out the door with him. 

He drove like a maniac and pulled up towards a seemingly abandoned building. My blood ran cold with anticipation. 

My father practically ripped me out of the car and dragged me inside. Inside there were about twenty men all pretty beat up. All of them looked at me. I picked at my hangnails and looked at my father. 

“Y/n, these gentlemen need to be healed. Be a doll and heal them.” My father’s words were clipped, and my pulse raced. I merely nodded and healed man after man. It became clear to me, even at my young age, that these men were a part of a gang. Who’s? I had no idea. 

That was until a fat man in a tuxedo and a cane walked up to my father. He handed him a bundle of cash, they whispered some hurried words and the grotesque man leaned down towards me.

His short fat finger booped my nose, and the man tilted his head back and laughed at my reaction. I wanted to bite his finger off. I wanted to go home. I wanted my mom. 

For the next two years, my father did business with anyone that could pay him. Our life went from living by the penny to living in luxury. All due to my power. The richest of the rich, politicians, businessmen, criminals, and villains, all used my services. And eventually, they tried to buy me. 

That’s when I decided to run away. Or die trying.

Gotham City: Present Day 

I sat across from Sam, my best friend, and nurse colleague. “What do you think I should do?” She was the only one that I trusted enough to tell everything to. Of course, I left out the whole, ‘My boss would be Batman thing.’ 

“Girl, if you don’t take this job I will kill you,” Sam said, taking a large bite of her pasta. 

“Do you think I’m betraying my younger self? I promised I would never be bought. I would never work for a corrupt man.” 

“Maybe you should discuss with Mr. Wayne, that you would like to remain a nurse part-time. That way you ease your conscious about everything but still live in a fucking MANSION and make BANK, you dummy head. And this way you’re reclaiming your past. You get to choose. You’re not trapped.” 

I mindlessly pushed my food around my plate, lost in thought. “That’s not a terrible idea.” 

“Of course not, I never have bad ideas. Take one more night to think about it. But I think you have your answer.” 

That night I tossed and turned in my bed. I grabbed my phone, the bright screen making me blink. 

[I accept your terms, but I do have a few remediations to the contract. Signed, y/f/n y/l/n.] 

One week later. 

 “How are you taking to your new living situation, Miss y/l/n?” Alfred asked as he expertly julienned an onion. I not as gracefully diced several cloves of garlic across from him. 

I looked up at him, smiling, “I’m still getting used to it, to be honest.” It had become a silent routine over the past week. When I wasn’t working at the hospital, or patching up Batman, I got bored. So, I started helping Alfred with cooking. 

He taught me how to play chess. I taught him how to play Skip-Bo and dominos. I had grown quite fond of the man over the short period. It most definitely was my daddy issues clinging to the first nice man I saw. But Alfred Pennyworth seemed truly kind to me. 

I hadn’t met any other members of Bruce’s family, but supposedly they were all meeting for dinner tonight. For some reason, my pulse spiked at the thought of meeting them. My past gave me anxiety when meeting new people I didn’t know. 

As if reading my thoughts Alfred asked, “How are you feeling about meeting everyone tonight?”

I cut a piece of garlic a bit harshly, “I’m– I’m fine. Do you know if I am to meet them after the dinner or before?”

Alfred’s eyebrows quirked, “What do you mean? You most probably will meet them at dinner. You are attending are you not?”

“I wasn’t sure if I was allowed to eat with the family or not,” I stated, hesitantly. 

I heard a twang of metal as Alfred set down his knife. He gave me his full attention as he said, “Master Wayne may seem abrasive, Miss. But I assure you, he would never have to eat separately unless that is what you wished.” 

Abrasive was one way to put it. He often reminded me of a feral cat when I tried to heal him. He would practically hiss that he was fine. I had to politely remind my employer a few times that this was what I was here for and to let me heal him. 

We cooked in silence for a while, when out of the blue I asked Alfred, “Alfred, are you happy?”

Alfred always holding his poise answered calmly, “Happiness is something that fluctuates in my life, Miss. I will say that knowing that Master Wayne and the rest of the family are in your capable hands is reassuring me as of late. I also have been enjoying your company, no matter how many times you beat me in Skip-Bo.”

I laughed, a true genuine laugh. “Hey, you win every time we play chess!”

Alfred smiled softly, “Miss I have been playing chess since I was five years old. If I lost I think I would have to revoke my Englishmanship.” 

After my laughter died down, another question popped in my head, “What are they like? Mr. Wayne’s family?”

Alfred smiled, “Those children are loud, argumentative, loyal, funny, stubborn, etc. I love those children with everything I am. You will too, Miss y/l/n.”

An unfamiliar sense of warmth bloomed in my chest, “Thank you, Alfred.”

“Thank you, Miss y/l/n.”

As I was getting dressed. I could not pick out what I wanted to wear. Did I want to go casual with a tee shirt and jeans? A bit more formal with a dress? Semi-casual with a skirt and sweater? I decided on the last one, with some tights on underneath. I wanted to make a good impression. It felt like the first day of school. I made my way down the stairs. No one had arrived yet. I took a seat next to Alfred, my leg bouncing. 

Alfred patted my shoulder when we heard the door open, “It will be just fine.” 

The loud oncoming footsteps mimicked my thundering pulse.

[gojoidyll]

Infinity

Yandere ! Gojo Satoru x Female ! Reader

Part 11 | new life, new beginning, new death

Summary | And I'd choose you; in a hundred lifetimes, in a hundred worlds, in any version of reality, I'd find you and I'd choose you.

Infinity Masterlist

For centuries, a battle between Gojo and Sukuna raged on all because of one soul, one girl, one person who kept coming back.

In some lives, Sukuna would have her sitting prettily on his lap, one of his four hands running through her hair as the two would enjoy the peaceful silence that nature had to offer. Not a single soul or cursed spirit bothering them.

However, in most lives, y/n would be living again and again with Gojo. Their hands always intertwining as they would meet each other, become friends, die a tragic death, and then be reborn again, again, and again.

Though, the silent battle for her that both Gojo and Sukuna were holding came to a standstill when Sukuna was sealed away and turned into a cursed object. His power being split between his twenty fingers. When this happened Gojo couldn’t have been happier. Finally, Sukuna would not interfere. At least, that was the plan as he and y/n died again, and their souls were reborn in present time.

GOJO SATORU yawned loudly as he fell back into his chair, his eyes staring up at the ceiling as a bored expression crossed his features. His blindfold lying uselessly across his desk.

This was the first life he ever lived in such a modern world. This was the first life he lived where he felt so much power course through him. This was the first life he lived at the age of 28 that he has yet to meet y/n.

Though, he blames himself for that. Mainly because he didn’t receive his past memories until late in his teens right after he got stabbed by Toji Fushiguro.

But even after I got my past memories back, I still haven’t met y/n. Where could she be? Is it possible that she hasn’t been born yet?

He crinkled his nose at that. That would be a pain if that’s the case.

But what was also a pain was Itadori Yuji. One of the new first years and someone who is now the vessel for Ryomen Sukuna. The King of Curses hasn’t mentioned anything about y/n yet, but Gojo knew that the conversation was bound to happen sooner or later. A shame that Itadori would be in the crossfire.

No matter, as long as Itadori can keep a hold on the King of Curses, then when Gojo finally finds y/n, Sukuna shouldn’t be a problem at all.

A knock on the door was quick to break him out of his thoughts. His eyes narrowed drastically when he felt Yaga’s presence behind the door along with someone else.

“What now,” he muttered.

Grabbing his blindfold, he was quick to put it on while also plastering a goofy smile on his face. (He thought feigning happiness would be easier than being grumpy despite him still being unhappy about not knowing where y/n is.)

“What’s up principal? It’s not everyday you come to meet me in my office.”

“I knew you wouldn’t bother coming to the meeting today, I brought them here.”

“Meeting? Bringing someone?”

Principal Yaga sighed, “and of course you weren’t listening… Gojo. I clearly said that you would be in charge of showing the new teacher around. She’s new and graduated a few years ago from a different school. What made her choose to come here as a teacher, I don’t know. But I hope you will at least show her around before letting her loose.”

Gojo waved his hand dismissively, “sure, sure. I’ll show her around.”

Principal Yaga turned slightly to the person standing a little away, “This is Gojo Satoru, he’ll be showing you around. Hopefully, though, you won’t have to deal with him much after today.”

“Rude,” Gojo said with a smile.

“Thank you Principal Yaga.”

The moment he heard her voice, an electric jolt went right through Gojo’s spine causing him to stand up a little straight, the smile on his lips falling as his mouth opened slightly.

No way.

“Hello, Gojo. My name is L/n Y/n. I hope we can be great friends!”

Thank you so much for coming to me yourself.

“It’s nice to meet you miss L/n, I hope we can be great friends too.”

He held out his hand to her, to which she gladly took with a smile on her face.

Over the many lives he lived, Gojo knew that rushing things would lead to Y/n dying, hating him, or something a bit more sinister happening. Slow and steady was always the way to go. Besides, as long as he was here, then he was sure that everything was going to work out this time.

He was the strongest now, after all.

Infinity taglist | @whore-for-hawks @esthelily @huicitawrites @flaming-vulpix @zeniiis @rin1802 @mrowwww @kenstarsworld @bubera974 @littleplantofdeath @fangirl-332 @thaliadoesthings @hellsingalucard18 @tamaki-simp @obsessedwithfanfiction @babygivertyrant @carvelcakes @itzmeme @nervouschocolatecat @aspiring-bookworm @babyorphanstastegood @lilacskyly @ilovethegold

[eamour]

inner self and outer self.

life is an expression of SELF. it’s a reflection of who you are and what you have within — in IMAGINATION. but where is SELF? does SELF only exist on the inside? can SELF also exist in the outside?

the inner self.

inner self · lives in the world of imagination, feels limitless and free, thinks life happens from them, believes they are in complete control and in charge of their reality, only accepts desirable things for the way they are and changes things they don’t want, knows that they create everything around them, …

the outer self.

outer self · lives in the world of senses, feels limited and restricted by the facts and rules of life, thinks life happens to them, believes that they cannot control or change their reality, accepts things for the way they are, thinks that they cannot create anything, …

your true self.

the truth is, you are only one being feeling yourself into believing you are two beings — the inner and the outer self. the outer self however is an illusion. it’s a physical expression, an embodiment of the garment that’s worn mentally by the inner self. you are always living in the world of imagination and therefore always the inner self. moreover, there is only one world (imagination) and one self (inner). you can only ever be your inner self. you cannot not be your inner self.

inner over outer.

anything you feel to experience on the outside actually is first experienced on the inside. life doesn’t happen to you but from you. the same way your outer self reacts to your creation, it is your inner self who does. it's your inner self who feels as the outer self doesn’t exist and cannot feel on its own. so stop believing that your outer self AND your outer reality exist independently.

inner change.

oh and because of that, because you only truly exist in the world of imagination, you can only ever fulfill your inner self MENTALLY. fulfillment and satisfaction of self can only take place INTERNALLY within your mind. again, the medium through which we shift is FEELING. the FEELING of BEING and HAVING.

the only self.

"there is no other to please, you only please yourself." — aphrodite apprentice.

you need to understand that there is nothing outside of you. everything on the outside exists on the inside and has therefore been imagined once. nothing is not yours because you are everything and vice versa. there can’t be no other god or creator in the world — YOUR world — of imagination

i am ness.

before you are anything, you ARE. before you claim yourself to BE anything, before you state to HAVE anything, you say "I AM". you can never escape your own "I AM", your awareness of BEING and HAVING. you may forget who you are, where you are, why you are, when you are, what you are, you won’t ever forget that YOU ARE. you can never stop being aware of something no matter what. and with that awareness, you declare yourself to be the one and only creator as there is no other conscious creator outside of you. that’s what your "I AM" is. that’s your "I AM-ness".

your i am.

your purest and truest self is consciousness — unconditioned, pure consciousness. your inner self, without the occupation of any state and any garment, is faceless and formless awareness that hasn’t been defined yet. you are awareness unattached to any concept and any conviction of self. all you are is imagination in which all things exist infinitely and where all things are entirely possible. that is who you are. awareness of SELF. the sense of SELF.

and you are ?

hereupon, you can be whoever you want to be and have whatever you want to have. it’s up to you how you wish to "condition" your awareness. we assign meaning to our states, we rate and evaluate them, we distinguish between "good" and "bad".

with love, ella.

[yok00k]

seasons: pink

seasons_m.list

pairing: p.sunghoon x acubi!oc

genre: fluff, drabble

summary: shopping w/ sunghoon

warning: too sweet!

word count: 919

⋆｡‧˚ʚ♡ɞ˚‧｡⋆

“Earth to sunghoon??” you say, waving your hand in front of your boyfriend’s face, who’s been zooming out for a while. he’s all dressed up and ready to go since ages ago. meanwhile, you take at least two hours to get ready and have more than five steps of skincare routine plus some makeup. he did everything that he could possibly do to not get bored while waiting for you.

walk back and forth from the living room to your bedroom more than 50 times? check. water the plant sitting on the most random spots of your apartment? check. pet and play with coco, your tiny shih tzu dog? check. yet he’s still ended up sitting up at the edge of your bed, staring at the air.

you further try to get his attention by planting a few kisses on his left cheek, which leaves an easily noticeable lip tint stain on his smooth skin. resulting in your sudden action, he moves from his frozen state.

sunghoon blinks twice, bringing himself out from detaching himself to reality. “you ready?” he asks, clearing his voice while examining your cute all-white outfit, which matches his all-black casual attire. he also notices the makeup you put on today, a simple ‘igari’ style makeup that highlights lots of rose pink blush on your soft cheeks.

cute, totally his type

“yes! thanks for waiting for me” you respond with full energy. of course he’ll wait for you. no matter how long he has to wait for. it’s not like he could just leave you and execute today's plan all by himself. he wouldn’t leave you alone. even if he has an option to. in addition to that, he loves spending a solid quality time with you.

⋆｡‧˚ʚ♡ɞ˚‧｡⋆

since warm weather is slowly approaching , the today’s plan is to shop around for summer clothes. you two have been planning on going to one of the few nicest outdoor outlets around. the only downside is it’s a couple of hours drive. but they have everything you could possibly look for: cute stores, high quality clothing stores, nice bakeries and bubble tea shops, and many more. for that reason, you are willing to be in the car for two hours. this is your idea after all.

the first thing you knock out of your to-do list as you arrive you destination is to grab a refreshing bubble tea. after that, you and sunghoon began roaming around. your wrist acts to its second nature as it automatically entangled with his. sunghoon isn’t really a fan of pda, but he wouldn’t mind having his hand intertwined with yours. he actually enjoys it a lot, but he would never ever admit it or say it out loud.

today is such a bright day.

in the midst of walking in the open air mall, sunghoon confusedly turns his head when you abruptly come to a halt, followed by hearing a loud gasp from you. he’s about to ask what’s wrong but as soon as he looks at what you’re staring at, he understands right away. you lead the way quickly towards the front of the store.

“i’ll just see what they have inside real quick, I won’t take that long” you reassure him, grabbing a mini basket, just in case you end up buying something tiny. he just follows and stays right behind you like a lost puppy.

⋆｡‧˚ʚ♡ɞ˚‧｡⋆

there’s no such thing as “real quick” especially when shopping with you. and sunghoon knows that for a fact. he’s even surprised that it only took you 40 minutes to roam around that small store given the fact that you love examining every cute thing the store sells. you would ask for his opinion here and there, only for you to return the items back because you don’t really need those things. still, you’re pleased by how pretty they look. after looking at every product, you ended up only buying two things: a couple of decent size miffy night lamps. one for you and one for him.

“look, I got one for you!” you mutter, swinging the paper bag in front of him.

“for me?” he asks dumbfoundedly, he didn’t even realized that you bought two of the same item. you reply with a nod. “yup, they’re the same thing so we can match” you explain, wrapping your hands to his arm as you proceed to your next stop. before he could even react, he’s being dragged by you elsewhere.

⋆｡‧˚ʚ♡ɞ˚‧｡⋆

“this one, this one, this one..” you mumble to yourself, fully concentrating on picking oversized t-shirt that would look good on sunghoon. so far you have three different color of shirts in your hand. a sky blue, white, and light pink. he typically dislikes pink but it would look great on him.

“try these on, I will look for more” you softly instruct him as you handle the clothes.

“pink?” he utterly baffles, not liking the idea of trying on the particular shirt.

“trust me, it’ll look good on you”

sunghoon is about to disagree, but he chooses not to. he’s in love you to the point where he’s going to do whatever you ask him to do, even if it’s against his liking as such color of a damn shirt. he won’t listen to anyone. but he’s willing to listen to you.

he ended up trying it. it wasn’t as bad he thought it would be. maybe wearing pink isn’t that bad, solely because the girl he loves says so.

⋆｡‧˚ʚ♡ɞ˚‧｡⋆

a/n: i’m making a series of this couple<33

[hallietblr]

same time, next week? | c.fisher x reader

a/n: inspired by the tiktok trend! might MIGHT turn this into a mini trilogy but not too sure yet so let me know what you think!

warnings: fluffy but kinda sad:(

—

summer was quickly coming to an end, saying goodbye to a few of our new friends we made this summer as they return back to their home. cousins was always a place associated with fun and the carefree life. from waking up at dawn to catch the sunrise, being at the beach all day, family barbecues, parties every night, and to do it all with my best friends.

my mother, elisa, used to come to cousins every summer with her family and she immediately became friends with the girl next door, susannah, and her best friend, laurel. the three of them would always spend every moment of the three summer months together in cousins before leaving back to their normal lives.

cousins was almost like an alternate reality, where everyone is happy. where summer love is born and new friendships are made.

once my mom inherited her parents’ summer home, we started coming to cousins every june until the end of august. just like how she used to do it when she was younger, it was to continue the family tradition and i hope i can show my children too.

luckily, susannah had also inherited her family’s summer home and was still in very close contact with her two best friends.

i basically grew up with conrad and his younger brother, jeremiah. conrad and i were born in the same year, only a month apart. we were destined to be best friends since we were in diapers.

i’m also very close to laurel’s kids, steven and belly. moreso with belly than i am with steven since her and i are the only girls out of the five of us. she was a few years younger than me and honestly, she’s like the little sister i never had.

currently, i was lounging on the beach chairs by the poolside of the fisher’s home. conrad had his head on my lap, quietly napping and enjoying the summer warmth. i had one hand playing with his golden hair while the other flipping the pages of my book.

jeremiah, steven, and belly were all playing in the pool, the occasion yelling and screaming coming from them. they all had smiles painted upon their faces,

“y/n! get in!” jeremiah yells at me, splashing water in my direction. i use my book to cover conrad’s face in hopes that he won’t wake up,

“maybe later!” i say back to him, “i can’t really get up right now anyways.”

steven shrugs, “just push him off.”

belly gasps and hits her brother, “that’s so mean! but seriously, y/n, i’m leaving the day after tomorrow and you leave on tuesday next week.”

“i know” i sigh, part of me knows that there’s a chance i won’t be back in cousins with my favourite people for a long time. with college coming up and moving across the country to go to stanford, i knew that i couldn’t visit them as often after this.

nobody except for my mother knew, and i made her swear to not tell a soul that i had accepted my offer to stanford. especially the fact that i won’t see them all for possibly years.

“kids!” laurel calls out from the window, “dinners ready!”

the three from the pool scream as they all shove each other, trying to get out of the pool quickly. i gently shake my best friend awake, “connie, dinner”

his eyes flutter open, he rubs the sleep away, “okay.”

he offers me his hand when i stand up, which i gladly take. i feel butterflies in my stomach from the physical touch from him.

conrad has a soft hand on the small of my back as he guides me into the familiar home. we all sit around the large dinner table, all passing the delicious looking food around. i have conrad on my right and jeremiah on my left.

“y/n,” my mom says, i look up to match her gaze. the second i do, i see what she’s silently hinting at.

tell them.

i shake my head, swallowing the spoonful of mashed potato in my mouth, “no, mom”

jeremiah lifts an eyebrow at me, “she didn’t even say anything”

steven nods in agreement, his mouth full of food. laurel and susannah both look at my mother, trying to read her face,

“come on, honey.” she pleads, “you owe it to them”

this caught everyone’s attention, all eyes on me.

“what’s going on?” belly asks, placing her fork down, “mom?”

laurel shrugs, “i’m not too sure, bels”

i sigh, putting my hands onto my napkin covered lap. i didn’t want to tell them, but i also knew that i should,

“i’m going to stanford.” i tell them, after moments of confusion and silence.

susannah jumps up from her seat and runs over to my chair to squeeze me, “oh my goodness, y/n! that’s incredible news! congratulations, sweet girl!”

laurel was right behind her, “awh, my second baby! i knew you could do it.”

“wait, so why were you so hesitant on telling us?” jeremiah says as he hugs me, “this is good news!”

i frown slightly, “it’s easier for me to stay there for all four years, rather than flying back and forth for the summer…”

it took them a moment to digest what i said before steven pushes his chair back from the table,

“no, you aren’t saying…” he pauses, “you’re not coming back next summer? or the summers after that?!” steven exclaims, “what about christmas?!”

i shake my head, “flights are too expensive, i can’t”

i look over to conrad, who’s eyes haven’t left me since i broke the news. his expression was unreadable.

belly had a tear running down her cheek, “so, tomorrow is goodbye then?” she whispers, “we won’t be able to see each other until you’re done…”

“yeah, tomorrow is goodbye” i slowly nod, “my mom is planning on coming to visit so maybe you guys can too?”

jeremiah grins, “of course we will! i cant stay away from n/n for that long, i can barely handle a school year without seeing you!” he laughs, even though there’s evident sadness in his words.

“i’ll be sure to bring connie and jere to visit, honey” susannah promises me, “congratulations again”

i smile at her before everyone resumes to eating their food and making small conversation. i look back at conrad who’s playing with the food on his plate, i grab his hand under the table and squeeze it.

he looks at me and i ask, “beach after?”

dinner wrapped up quickly, steven and jeremiah getting ready for one last party of the summer — conrad and i agreed to go a bit after them.

conrad has his hand wraps around mine as we walk down towards the water, our arms are swinging while he laughs at some joke i made. we sit on the sand and watch the sun slowly lower into the horizon. we don’t say much but it’s never needed when it’s us two. we enjoy the comfortable silence and each other’s company.

i rest my head on his hoodie covered shoulder, him resting his head on mine soon after. he kisses my hair softly, “so stanford?”

i sigh, “yeah, stanford”

i can feel him smile, “congrats pretty girl”

my cheeks blush at the nickname, but i say nothing. all i want is to stay here with him on this beach we grew up on, forever.

“i always love the sunsets here,” i say, finally breaking the silence, “i swear they’re so much better here than they are in maine.”

he laughs, “i think i like them better here, because then at least i can watch them with you. back in boston, all the sunsets remind me of you.”

“you’re so cheesy” i giggle, gently shoving him with my shoulder.

he rests his cheek on his crossed over arms that are on his bent knees. he looks at me with sadness in his eyes, “same time, next week?”

i feel my eyes starting to water from his question, fully knowing that we don’t know the next time we’ll be able to do this, “im not here next week” i whisper out, tears crawling down my cheeks.

conrad has never been much of a crier, i think i’ve only seen him cry three times in my life. but right now will add to that count as a few tears fall from his eyes,

“im going to miss you so much, pretty” he tells me with his lips quivering, i reach over to wipe the tears off his face with the sleeve on my sweater.

“we can call anytime, okay?” i reply, giving a sad smile, “we always text each other too, but whenever i want to hear your voice, i’m going to call you.”

he chuckles, “so i guess i’ll be calling you 24/7”

i move closer to him and he wraps his arms around me into a tight hug.

“i’m not sure what summers are going to be like without you, y/n.”

“i don’t even want to think about it”

as the sun disappears beyond the horizon, we slowly get up to head back to our rooms to get ready for this party. my phone was blown up with snaps and text messages from jeremiah and steven, begging us to come and join them. one last summer party with them, one last chance to watch steven get black out drunk, one last opportunity to say goodbye to my summer friends, and only a few more sunsets to watch with conrad.

[beauty-and-passion]

TBOB PART 1: OF BILL’S POWERS AND DIMENSIONS (1/2)

FINALLY.

It took me an eternity to finish this post. And not just because I have 32 pages of notes about this goddamn book, but also:

life in general

summer in specific

if I’m supposed to relax, then why do I have so much stuff to do

the goddamn thisisnotawebsitedotcom that I stupidly thought was just a simple website like it was for Lost Legends, ahah how big could it ever be. OH BOY HOW WRONG I WAS WHY DO I KEEP UNDERESTIMATING ALEX HIRSCH WHY

And so here we are, with the first post about this big topic I wanted to talk about. I know that any additional info coming from thisisnotawebsitedotcom can add/disprove my points, but in that case, I’ll just write one more post. I already wrote more posts than I originally planned, so writing a few more isn’t such a huge difference by now.

So, let’s start by analyzing a little closer how Bill’s powers work, how they are related to dimensions and let’s ask ourselves some more questions. Because of course there are still questions: it wouldn’t be Gravity Falls, if there were no mysteries left.

_________________

Obligatory disclaimer

I will talk about the entire book and make spoilers

I will mention all codes (thanks to the Gravity Falls wiki for being so efficient)

I will use any sort of language, but hey, if you have this book I suppose you won’t be shocked by a couple of swear words

I will also mention some of the info available until now on thisisnotawebsitedotcom - or at least the ones I found HERE

And now, let’s start.

_____________________

“Dimensional powers”

In the “Reality is an Illusion” in TBOB page, Bill says two important things:

Reality is made of code and madness and microscopic “legos”

Everything big is made of something small and the small stuff can be manipulated

This is a nice reference to the string theory. To put it very VERY simply, this theory suggests that the smallest elements at the foundation of everything are called strings. Strings are incredibly smaller than quarks and, depending on how they vibrate, they can make everything in the universe.

Related to this theory there’s also the M-Theory: to put it even more simply, the strings are not all similar, one-dimensional elements, but they vary depending on how many dimensions they contain, from one to eleven. (Beware: this is an oversimplified explanation. For more details, please check the experts’ ones)

Why those theories are important? Because I think they may offer us an explanation of how Bill’s powers work.

From all I saw in the series and until now, it looks like Bill’s powers are all related to dimensions. If there is a dimension of some kind, Bill can enter, alter or influence it. So if the entire reality and everything in the universe (living beings included) is made of strings and strings have dimensions, than this explains how why Bill was able to:

enter and modify other dimensions (including Earth during Weirdmageddon)

modify other living beings

possess other creatures

see the Third Dimension while he was in the Second

This also may explain the ciphervoyance: if Bill can see the third dimension, then he can also see all other possibilities - and if these possibilities are higher dimensions, then he can see them too.

And yes, this explains pyrokinesis too: if Bill can look into other dimensions and modify them, why couldn’t he modify the strings of one dimension enough to “start fires with his brain”?

_____________________

But what about dreams?

Dreams should be different, right? How can Bill look into them? Dreams are not a dimensions, right?

Please, allow me to introduce you to this part from Flatland: the Sphere is talking to A Square about something very specific:

"For I, who see all things, discerned last night the phantasmal vision of Lineland written upon your brain."

It looks like the Sphere has been able to see inside A Square’s dream. A 3D creature has been able to look into a 2D creature’s dreams.

Since Bill’s entire story is heavily influenced by Flatland (we will talk about it extensively in the next series of posts, don’t worry), I think this supports the theory that Bill’s powers are “dimensional” indeed and that dreams are another dimension entirely. That’s why Bill can enter them and possess/read other people’s minds: it’s because that’s an entirely different dimension he can look at, enter and modify.

And, as we saw from the string and the M-theory, it doesn’t matter if we’re talking about a higher or lower dimension: Bill can still look at, access and modify it.

And if you’re not convinced yet, consider that Bill talked about the mindscape as a “liminal basement”. So it’s a sort of “bridge” between dimensions - or a “bridge dimension” that connects the unconscious to the conscious. So if he can enter dimensions, there’s no reason he can’t enter dimensional bridges.

_____________________

Powers that would “eat you alive”

All of this seems pretty cool and fun, doesn’t it? We saw Bill using these powers to wreak havoc at O’Sadleys after his breakup with Ford, to switch the function of every hole in Preston Northwest’s face, and to alter reality during Weirdmageddon.

But we also saw him speeding up Ford’s mind when it’s sluggish, calm him down when he’s anxious and rewiring his optical never to see a new color.

And that was exciting, because that’s what I wanted to see. How’s possible that this guy could just enter someone else’s mind and possess it, but not mess in any way with the delicate, complex system of human brains? Humans have a lot of areas and neurons and everything: it’s a perfectly complicated, complex mechanism. Why would Bill miss the chance to do something inside it?

And then, Bill showed Ford a speck of what he’s really capable of:

And that… ooho yes, that’s EXACTLY what I wanted to see. Those are real threats. Rewiring the optical nerve again, not to help, but to entirely alter your perception of reality. Play a tone louder and louder until it drives you insane. Burn neurons, delete memories, push enough switches to make you forget your own name. That’s the fucked up stuff I wanted from Bill! That’s the stuff that makes me think he’s right, when he said the monster “would eat you alive, Sixer”.

Even more messed up, when the next page he said “Oh, those were just practical jokes”. 200% messed up, I love this little psycho, he deserves to burn everything and attend more therapy.

_____________________

The questions of how

So let’s recap: Bill is a two-dimensional living creature who has dimensional powers. He can look at, alter and destroy all kinds of dimensions - no matter how big (universes) or small (strings) they are.

Now the rightful question is: how the fuck did he get all these powers? Is this something usual, for 2D creatures to have such godly powers? Of course not, considering no one in Bill’s home dimension was able to do/see what he could.

At this point of my reasoning, I also asked myself: how did he manage to not just look into a dimension but also alter it? Looking into is something, altering is different…

But then, I though about myself. I am a three-dimensional living being. I can look into a 2D world and I can alter it too. I can destroy a flat surface. I can add things inside it. I can intersect it with my shape. I can do a lot of stuff to it. I cannot live inside it like a two-dimensional being, but I can modify it.

So can Bill. He can look and modify other realities - but he can also enter them. Something I, a 3D being, cannot do.

In addition to that, consider that since I am 3D, I cannot enter, see or alter the 4D world. I can figure out a hypercube and try to wrap my head around its shape and how it’s supposed to work, but I cannot actually see the fourth dimension and all higher ones.

Bill, on the other hand, can see any dimension, no matter how high or small it is. He can see them all, alter them all and enter them all.

How? How can a 2D creature do it?

_____________________

The lack of a physical form

In the “MY WEAKNESSES” section in TBOB, Bill says something about not having a physical form.

Even in the show, Bill talked about not having a physical form: in fact, as soon as he enters Earth to start the Weirdmageddon, the first thing he does is get a physical form.

That implies he didn’t have a physical form before. But he was also living in the Nightmare Realm, which is “a space between spaces”, a place with no consistent laws “physical or judicial”, and a place in which the realms of physics and reality make no sense. So yes, even a being without a physical form can live inside it.

And even in this book, Bill often talks about himself as “an idea” that never dies. He sees himself closer to a concept, than an ordinary, living being. Keep that in mind for now, we’ll use it for later.

However, now we can ask ourselves another thing: fine, Bill was an idea/had no physical form when he lived in the Nightmare Realm. But what about before that? What happened before the Nightmare Realm?

Before that, Bill destroyed his home dimension.

_____________________

In conclusion... for now

I know, it’s evil to end a post like this but stay tuned, because the next one will have the biggest Theory That Might Be Wrong I developed until now.

We've just started.

Next post ->

(How about a coffee? ☕)

_______________________________

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[dispossesst]

On Armand being Muslim

In Islam there is belief of a supernatural and unseen world that is referred to as The Ghaib. I don’t think it’s beyond Armand to take time exploring about a place within the the Muslim world where he could exist as a supernatural being; especially if he was born into a Muslim family this is something he may have already known. If Jinns can be muslims and live for over 1000 years, then this can be a plausible and a resourceful reality for Armand.

In islam, there is a transference of our soul between each of the 6 realms. One of these occurs once a dead body is buried and the last person leaves his grave, the soul transfers into the Barzakh. According to this, Armand would still have a soul. His transference was to The Ghaib instead, maybe his soul is hidden there, which poses an interesting question about vampire lore wrt their souls.

Having said that, we also know Armand de nothing doesn’t know himself. He asks, ‘am i my history i have endured?’, it echoed in my chest when i heart it because there is a yearning to know himself beyond his trauma. So every so often he reinvents himself. He adopts the identities of the places he lives in. In Paris he has a parisian accent, in Dubai, Molloy thinks he is Native. It’s possible he adopted a Muslim identity after he was turned. I don’t think any of these identities are ‘fake’ per se. He is trying to fit the armand shaped hole in his life.

The core tenet of being Muslim is repentance, so I think the whole Muslim guilt thing is also complicated and fun to contemplate. I won’t write on it, as I’ve seen other people already share on that.

It might be more interesting for the show to explore in an implicit way? I’m also just finding out that in the books: 1) there is a Muslim vamp already, 2) Armand is riddled with Catholic guilt so maybe they will explore Muslim guilt.

[animatorweirdo]

The Fall of the Sun

The man you thought you knew is no more, replaced by an ancient evil. You have tried to adapt to your new life among the elves, but one attempted rescue becomes one of your biggest regrets.

(Author note: I was slightly inspired by Sunfyre and borrowed some stuff from the Rop show. Just to let you know, this does not follow the Rop storyline though some scenarios might sound familiar and I will not write anything for it other than the things I borrowed to make this fic. There will be a second part. I hope you enjoy this. )

Warnings: betrayal, mentions of Sauron, denial, nightmares, loneliness, homesickness, mentions of a volcanic eruption, dead relatives, calling yourself a fool, mentions of orc attacks, going missing, an ambush, some graphic descriptions of wounds, broken bones, falling, flickering consciousness, abandonment, and angst.

----------------------------------------------

The day has gone from once bright into great gloom. The man you thought you loved was never real, replaced by an ancient evil that should have perished before the dawn of the second age. The one you had befriended, lived, and traveled with for the past year was no more. You did not want to believe it but the reality began to settle in as you watched your elven friend, Rhiwlas, gather her people to hunt him down as he had left the city and there was possibly still time to capture him. 

Doubt still clouded your mind. How could the man with whom you had shared your secret, put your trust, and helped you raise Anorion be Sauron? The human man who loved to tease you yet also had one of the biggest smiles. None of it made sense to you. Was it all truly just a trick? 

You saw Rhiwlas look toward you with a heavy look, clearly noticing the discord within you. However, as there was no time for comforting words, she ordered her troops to follow and left the city to chase the man you thought you knew. 

You turned around and left the yard, feeling betrayed and alone. 

The echoing of waves woke you up. You jolted awake and found yourself on the raft where you first met him. However, this time you were all alone and the sea was still and calm, too calm to your liking. There was no wind. There were no ripples. This kind of serenity would have been ideal back then, but this time it only caused you to feel unnerving fear. 

You subconsciously gripped the bag on your hip before noticing something in the water.

It was a reflection. You leaned closer to see your shadow on the water’s surface, but then you saw another beside yours. Your heart began to pound against your chest when you saw the shadow become the shape of the man you knew, but this time his eyes were glowing with gold.  An arm suddenly plunged out of the water. You shrieked as the hand grabbed you and pulled you in the freezing water where you were then encased by the darkness. 

You gasp, waking up on your bed. Your eyes darted around the darkened room. The only light granting you comfort being the moonlight that basked you from the window above your bed. 

Tears threatened to fall from your eyes when you thought about the nightmare.

A small whine caught your attention. 

“Anorion” You mumbled as the small dragon stared at you with worry in his eyes. His tail whisked around your feet and his golden scales were illuminated by the moonlight. 

You released a sigh as you softly stroked the dragon's head. 

“I’m okay. We’re okay,” You tried to sound comforting, even though your words were the opposite of what you were truly feeling. 

Anorion rubbed his head against your palm with a soft purr. 

You chuckled. 

“You won’t suddenly turn into an ancient evil being, will you?” You joked, even though there was slight desperation in your voice. 

Anorion released a soft whine before crawling closer to you, pushing himself into your arms and nuzzling close to your chest. You chuckled and embraced the little creature, comforted that you were not alone in this awful predicament. 

Three years later. 

It has now been three years since you last saw him. You had taken refuge with the elves since you had nowhere else to go and the last of your relatives perished in the volcanic eruption. It took getting used to, especially when the elves still looked at you and whispered how you were the poor fool deceived by Sauron. The poor woman, who was betrayed from the very beginning. Your friend, Rhiwlas, defended you when Sauron’s identity was revealed since you were the last to know about it. She also convinced the High King Gil-Galad to allow residency for Anorion despite the elves’ history with dragons. 

Rhiwlas had taken it upon herself to hunt down Sauron after he managed to escape and go somewhere unknown. She did not take the treachery well thus she was away most of the time, bringing news whenever she returned. 

You felt alone, even though you managed to get along with the elves just fine. Being a human and the poor fool did not make it feel like a home. Your only companion was Anorion. 

Anorion had grown into a beautiful golden dragon. Thanks to his friendly nature, the elves warmed up to him and even began to praise his unique beauty. They had even made a few songs about him being ‘the golden son of the sun’ and ‘the most beautiful dragon ever known’

To you, he was that same sweet hatchling three years ago. You loved him like he was your own child. 

And since he had grown big enough to carry you, you started flying the skies on his back. It was a privilege reserved only for you and flying through the sky helped you feel relieved from the troubles of the world. 

During these flights, you could not help but miss him. You did not deny that you yearned for his presence. However, it helped you return to reality when you remembered that the man you knew was never real, only a projection of a deceiver who deceived you for reasons unknown. 

You both hated and felt saddened by the thought of him, so when Rhiwlas returned to share news. You mostly avoided talking about him. 

Unfortunately, this time he would become the cause for your next misfortune… 

“There had been sightings of orcs in a hidden alley near the Misty mountains. We believe Sauron might be gathering troops there,” Rhiwlas started while you were having tea. You were quiet, silently thinking about him gathering orcs to form an army. 

“I’m going to take a few men and go investigate. Hopefully, capture him at the same time,” Rhiwlas explained while you stirred the tea.  

“Isn’t that big too of a risk?” You broke your silence. 

“These orcs are not to be underestimated,” You remembered how they destroyed the last home you ever had with the volcano eruption. 

“That is a risk. We must take,” Rhiwlas said. “For the sake of Middle Earth’s future and its people,” she added. 

“Last time, the orcs caused a volcano to erupt and killed the last of my relatives,” You stated.  

“This will not be like that time,” Rhiwlas replied. 

“Do you even have a plan of capturing him if he’s there?” You asked skeptically. 

“We must first confirm he’s there. We are to scout them and see what they are up to,” She answered. 

“I still do not think you should go there,” You said. 

“I will be fine. I am one of High King Gil-Galad’s finest captains,” Rhiwlas said, certain of her abilities and chances of returning. 

“When are you gonna come back?” You asked. 

“It should not take long. Perhaps three days at best,” She said. 

You fell quiet again, thinking about the whole scouting mission. 

“You are oddly more quiet today,” Rhiwlas had a small frown on her face as she stared at you. 

“Nothing much to say,” You answered, staring at the tea in your cup. 

“Is anyone giving you… troubles? You can tell me if someone is,” Rhiwlas questioned.  

“No one is giving me trouble. It’s just as usual homesickness. “ You answered, slightly frustrated. “Being a human and living among elves can get… a bit tiring,” you added. 

“Well… you staying here is for your own safety. Sauron hid this secret from you from the beginning and who knows what kind of twisted plans he could have for you if you and Anorion were to meet him again,” Rhiwlas explained. 

“I know that…” You uttered. “I just think it would be nice to be somewhere else for once than here all the time,” 

“It is for your own good. Perhaps… you could offer your assistance to High King Gil-Galad. I’m sure he would have something for you and Anorion to do. Having a dragon has its advantages,” She suggested. 

“And to do what? Join the fight against Sauron?” you questioned. “Anorion has no fighting experience and I would rather not serve someone who looks at me like everyone else,” You added. 

“Look at you like how?” Rhiwlas frowned at your statement. 

“Like I’m the poor fool who was deceived by Sauron,” You uttered.

“It’s been three years yet some still question me about it and pity me for it,” 

“I’m... sure they will stop once Sauron is defeated. “ Rhiwlas said even though there was a hint of uncertainty in her voice.  

“I doubt it,” You mumbled. 

The tea talk ended there, but you decided to come see them off at the main gate. While preparing to leave, Rhiwlas came to you. 

“(Name). I’ve been thinking. Perhaps once I return. I could take you to visit another city. There are more humans and dwarves alike. “ She suggested. 

You thought about it for a second. The idea appealed to you, and you had been wanting to spend some time with her— to forget Sauron and the brewing darkness. “I guess I would like that,” You nodded and Rhiwlas nodded in return with a smile. You then bid her and her company good luck as they left Lindon. 

Usually, you had faith in Rhiwlas’s abilities and that she would return with nothing as usual. This time, you were eager and slightly anxious to wait for her. However, when the third day came to pass, there was no sign of her or her company.  You thought something was wrong but then decided something was simply delaying her. 

However, when the second day passed and there was still no sign of her, you began to get worried.  You inquired High King Gil-Galad about her return. He had no answers as she hadn't sent any word about her mission or situation.

When the third day passed, you began to believe something had happened to her and her company. She would never take six days to finish some kind of task. 

You pleaded with High King Gil-Galad to send someone to look for her or at least see what had become of her. He couldn't grant your wish as his hands were tied keeping his city defended from the latest orc attacks. Seeing no other options, you decided to go yourself. 

You flew across the city on Anorion and then toward the valley she mentioned to you. Anorion was faster than any horse so you managed to get there and finally see what had happened to Rhiwlas and her company. 

At first, you did not see anything as you flew above the mountain hills, but then you saw Rhiwlas and her company running out of the caves, chased by orcs. You commanded Anorion to help and the sight of the dragon managed to scare the orcs off, but then you were ambushed in the air by a large flying beast. 

You could only guess it was a Fell beast as you had read about them before. 

Anorion tried fending the Fell beast off with fire, but the beast was quicker and forced you and Anorion into close combat. 

As Anorion had no experience in such combat, the Fell beast easily wounded him. It tore a deep gash wound on Anorion’s chest, causing him and you to fall toward the ground. Luckily, Anorion was able to regain his flight just when you were about to hit the ground, bleeding upon the orcs below who came to see the commotion. 

His cries of pain were like daggers into your heart and you considered ordering him quickly to flee as you could not see Rhiwlas and her company, but then you were ambushed by another Fell beast that nearly bit you out of your saddle. 

Anorion struggled against the two Fell beasts, breathing fire upon them and trying to protect you. It was nearly impossible to keep him, so you desperately searched for Rhiwlas. 

Anorion managed to breathe fire upon one of the Fell beasts' faces, causing the creature to go blind and release you. You were given some breathing time and evaded the other Fell beast. 

You saw Rhiwlas and her company getting away in the woods, letting you know it was time to leave and escape the fight. However, you failed to notice the orcs setting up a catapult and firing a large boulder toward you. It was a calculated shot as you noticed it last minute before the boulder struck Anorion in the wing, causing his bones to break and scream in pain. As his wing was now broken you were plummeting toward the ground. 

You were falling back first toward the ground. Anorion was shrieking and crying as he desperately tried to regain his flight. Your heart was pounding between your ears as you prepared to get crushed by the fall. Anorion turned around to face his belly toward the ground when the trees came closer and you lost consciousness upon impact. 

The last thing you remember is your consciousness flickering between light and darkness as you lay on the ground beside Anorion. Your mind was numb as you could not move your limbs. You saw Rhiwlas and her company members running toward you from the forest. You remember crying in pain when they turned you on your back, as it felt like thousands of knives were embedded in your back. They told you how too injured you were and that they could not help Anorion. 

You wanted to protest as you could hear Anorion’s deep breaths, meaning he was still alive. There was no way you would agree to abandon him at the mercy of orcs. You muttered in desperation as they attached you to a makeshift stretcher that they could pull through the forest and watched as Anorion became farther and farther away from your reach, abandoned in the darkness before you lost consciousness. 

You did not know what happened next, but the next time you woke up, you were told you were in Eregion and how severe your injuries were. Eregion was closest, so Rhiwlas and her company brought you there to heal. Rhiwlas allowed her company to return to Lindon, but she stayed until you woke up. Apparently, you had been in a coma for five days since the incident and many of your bones were shattered by the fall which would make walking impossible for you for the time being. You believed her as lying on the bed felt agonizing without medicine to numb the pain. 

When you became conscious enough, you finally asked Rhiwlas what became of Anorion. Her expression was silent and filled with guilt. She explained it was too risky to return to the alley, and that there was a high chance the orcs had taken Anorion as a slave, or slayed him as he was injured. 

You pleaded with her to check if he was even alive, but she continued saying the same about how risky it was and that she could not endanger lives to save one dragon, especially one who could already be dead. 

Anguish filled you from within as you thought of Anorion. Upon that bed, unable to move, you grieved your sweet dragon and despaired if you had even made the right decision at all, the decision that brought death to your beloved child.

[kinardsevan]

so I’ve been thinking about this for like two days now, and I’m gonna say it. 

I’m fucking bothered. The amount of crap going around right now into relation of Tommy as a character and the rhetoric it’s being equated to is infuriating. Now personally, I try not to speak on things I can’t chiefly relate to (i.e., I’m not a gay male firefighter, so I won’t speak on the reality of living that life), however, I’m highly concerned about the attitude people are giving off in relation to the way that Tommy is undeserving of a redeption arc/is an asshole because of who he was in the past. 

First of all, I want to remind those who would actually take the time to read this: he’s a television character, and in no way does that put Lou in the position of being deserving of any vitriol for the shit he’s had to put up with. Or has it already been so long that we’ve forgotten about the shit Isabel Gillies was put through when Elliot Stabler returned to L&O:SVU (a whopping 5 years ago)? To that end, these actors are just earning a paycheck. They don’t deserve the abuse spewed at them any more than any person who works in retail or food service does because someone makes a small mistake on your bad day.

Further though, I’m concerned by the attitude that there is hatred spewed towards the character of Tommy because of who he WAS. I find it highly unlikely that there’s a single person on this planet that hasn’t forgiven at least one person in their life for some shitty thing they did in the past. To that end: we clearly have seen based off the way s7 went that Hen and Chimney made that choice at some point. Does it excuse previous behavior? No. I don’t know that when you forgive someone that excusing bad behavior is the intention. However, you give them room to grow and flourish. To that end, the arc that Lou has been given for Tommy is clearly within those lines. 

None of this is to say that what the character of Tommy did was okay or acceptable. However, I’d venture to guess that if we’d never seen the recurrence of Tommy Kinard on the show in s7 (and most likely s8), no one would bat an eyelash at the mention of his character, because in terms of how his storyline was wrapped up in s2, things are left on good terms. However, because he’s now Buck’s love interest for the moment and possibly forseable future, he’s got all kinds of problems. He has all kinds of toxic behavior. Nevermind the fact that this rhetoric comes from the same people who fail to also concede that Eddie, the preferred option as a LI for Buck for a large crowd, also has his own toxic behaviors. Hell, he even has his own toxic behaviors towards Buck. But you don’t see those who appreciate Tommy as a character pointing fingers at those issues. 

If you want to call me toxic because I’m not afraid to point all of this out, so be it. It is canonically unfair to tell someone that they are a toxic person because of who they used to be, and not the person they are today. The attitude towards “Tommy blame Gerrard for his behavior”, as though the character is supposed to resolve every issue he previously created with other characters in the limited screen time he was given, given the contract extension. Although, something tells me that even if Tim & Co had put the effort into making the scenes all about that instead of devoting it to the point of his character development (Buck and Tommy’s relationship), people would still find something to complain about. 

I’m not saying you have to like Tommy with Buck. I’m not even saying you have to like Tommy, period. But it’s arguable to say that if you’re going to decide not to like him, first, Lou is not the person to blame (someone else very well could’ve played the character and yall would be doing the same thing). And second, maybe find some realistic reasoning behind not liking him other than the fact that it makes Evan unavailable to chase after Eddie (because some people clearly aren’t prepared for that discussion). 

~

[honeyhotteoks]

this night together - chapter seven (j.yh + s.mg)

chapter seven: any time now

chapter summary: things are finally back to normal, but how long can that really last?

warnings: references to a/b/o dynamics such as heat and knotting and designations, general reader horny thoughts, masturbation

notes: major love for everyone who's been so patient while i worked on this chapter and this fic in general. i've been going through it recently, but hopefully this is a little fun one before we get back to the smut and angst ♡

pairings: alpha!yunho x alpha!mingi x omega!reader.......... but we're also featuring some alpha!seonghwa x reader, omega!wooyoung x reader (platonic)

genre: smut, a/b/o/omegaverse, angst, fluff, romance, polyamory

word count: 9.7K

previous chapter | next chapter | AO3

“No, no I’m telling you,” Hongjoong asserts, his eyes full of passion as he leans across the table, “Bowie was the greatest artist of our time. Period.” 

It's at this exact moment that you can see Seonghwa’s eyes go fuzzy as he realizes he’s introduced two of the more argumentative and passionate people he’s ever met to each other, and now he has to live with the consequences. And it’s not even like you and Hongjoong disagree, in reality you’re mostly just agreeing with each other - just loudly and with excitable hand gestures. 

You start going down the deep rabbit hole of Hongjoong’s musical preferences again and Seonghwa starts to look for a natural place to cut in, you can see it on his face, but you’re too focused on debating which of Bowie’s albums is actually the greatest of all time to even care. It’s only the second time you’ve met him, but it clicked with him quickly, and despite barely knowing him, here you are. 

“Favorite era?” Hongjoong recaptures your attention and you lean back in your seat. 

“This is hard,” You admit. 

“Mhm,” Hongjoong takes a sip of his drink and leans forward on the table, “there’s a right answer.” 

“Are we talking style or music?” You counter back. 

“You two,” Seonghwa groans, “I’m getting a headache,” 

“Shush,” Hongjoong slaps his friend’s arm softly, “you wanted us to be friends, right?” 

“At what cost,” Seonghwa smirks as he knocks back his drink. 

“Style or music,” You repeat, nudging Hongjoong. 

“Style,” He narrows his eyes. 

“Thin white duke,” You answer with zero hesitation. 

“Oh,” Seonghwa laughs, “you would,” 

“What?” You laugh, “What could that possibly say about me?” 

Seonghwa shrugs but Hongjoong nods, “He’s right,” 

“Sure,” You roll your eyes. 

“You like a man in a suit, that’s what it says,” Hongjoong laughs, “but I would have picked Berlin era.” 

“So we both like a man in a suit,” You nod at him. 

“You got me there,” He laughs, running a hand through his shock of blue hair. 

“I never hear music like that anymore,” You comment and Hongjoong smiles. 

“I’d love to produce something like that,” He admits, “but you need someone with a much stronger vocal range for that.” 

Seonghwa nods along, and it’s clear it’s not the first time he’s heard this sentiment from Hongjoong. 

“Stronger than the idols KQ has now?” You ask, your eyebrow raised. 

He nods, “It’s not that they’re not good, everyone’s very talented and I enjoy working with them… but the chance to work with someone one in a million is different,” 

“I could see that,” You concede. You don’t know much about music production or vocal performance, but you know a one in a million voice when you hear it. 

“You won’t have to wait long from the buzz I’m hearing,” Seonghwa drops his voice to a bit of a hushed tone even though there’s considerable space between your table and anyone else. 

“I’m not holding my breath,” Hongjoong says, “I don’t want to get my hopes up,” 

“I know it’s a longshot,” Seonghwa offers, “but I’m hearing good things,”

“Me too,” Hongjoong says, “but nothing’s on paper yet, so you know how these things go.” 

“So…” You give them a pointed expression. 

“Right,” Seonghwa leans in, “KQ is currently courting a big name from a group that just disbanded,” 

“To take on a senior group?” 

“No,” Hongjoong shakes his head, “just one of the members, as a solo artist.” 

“Oh,” You drop your voice, “who?” 

“You can’t say anything,” Seonghwa makes a hand gesture as if to say you’re dead if you do, “but Choi Jongho,” 

The pause between the three of you seems weighty, but you don’t know him and you have to admit it with a little shrug, “I’ve never heard of him,” 

“What?” Hongjoong shakes his head in disbelief, “I mean that’s crazy,” 

“I don’t keep up with it as much as you’d think,” 

“I mean,” Hongjoong blinks, “he’s the one in a million, he’s the voice.” 

“I believe you,” You nod quickly, “I just don’t know him.” 

“Well,” He sighs, “hopefully you will. If our CEO can close the deal,” 

“You really want to produce for him that badly? He’s that good?” You ask. 

“Without question,” He sighs, “I would kill to write him some R&B,” 

“Oh, now there’s a thought,” You lean in. 

“You just need so much more vocal texture,” Hongjoong explains, “but if you heard him, you’d get it.”

You nod along. 

Hongjoong sighs and leans back in his chair, running a hand through his hair again, the silver of his many rings catching in the overhead light, “If he signs we could get an album together for early next year,” 

“You really want to work with him that badly?” You nod, “He must be amazing.” 

“He is,” Hongjoong hums, “so cross your fingers.” 

You do and show him your hand, “Done,” 

The server passes by your table and smoothly passes the check towards Seonghwa, but Hongjoong intercepts it with practiced ease and slips his heavier credit card into the billfold before returning it to the server’s waiting hands. 

“Thank you,” The server nods, “I’ll be right back with this.” 

“Thank you, Joong,” Seonghwa smiles, “next time on me,” 

Hongjoong waves his hand and you realize it’s much the same as the last dinner. You wonder just how well producers are paid if this is his casual attitude towards a bill for three people eating rich cuts of meat and having crafted cocktails, but judging from Hongjoong’s lack of concern at the check’s total, he’s paid pretty well. 

“Thank you, Hongjoong,” You echo. 

“Of course,” Hongjoong smiles, and then the bill is back in his hands to sign off before you’re all up and away out the door. 

You walk a little ways with them, in the direction of a much busier block so you can catch a taxi home, all the while Hongjoong and Seonghwa chat about people you’ve yet to meet at the company and old times. They’ve been friends for years, you could gather that even without the download of information Seonghwa gave you after your first dinner out with them. They have an easy way about them that makes you smile, and even though you’re not in on any of these stories or jokes, it still feels comfortable. They both exude cool, in their style and the way they walk and talk, their handsome smiles and the cut of their clothes, but they never stray too far into pretension and it makes you like them both all the more. 

When Hongjoong checks his phone briefly as he walks and hums quietly, Seonghwa makes a disappointed noise with his tongue against his teeth. 

“What?” Hongjoong glances up. 

“Stop thinking about work,” Seonghwa interrupts his brain, “it’s ten o’clock,” 

“Normally I’m still working, you know,” Hongjoong tucks his phone away and makes a face. 

“You do that to yourself, Joong,” Seonghwa comments. 

“I know, I know,” He shrugs, “there’s nothing wrong with working hard.” He swivels his head to you at the same time Seonghwa does. 

“Don’t look at me,” You throw up your hands in surrender, “I can’t help you, Hwa, I’m at the studio late every day.” 

“I have to stop attracting friends who do nothing but work,” Seonghwa says, but he smiles despite his words. 

“Speaking of work,” Hongjoong grins conspiratorially at you, “he said you’re on the choreography team for the new tracks,” 

“Yes,” You catch Seonghwa’s pleased eye, “I’m assisting with it,” 

“How do you like the title song?” He asks. 

“I think it’s an earworm,” You admit, “I’ve been hearing it in my head for days,” 

“Not too commercial?” He asks. 

“I said it was going to be popular,” Seonghwa groans, “not that it’s commercial,” 

“I’m just asking,” Hongjoong throws a hand out to his side to smack Seonghwa’s arm. 

“It’s not,” You shake your head vehemently, “it’s just good, and catchy as hell,” 

“I can’t wait to see what your team does with it,” Hongjoong admits with a sigh, “I’m proud of this album,”

“I’m looking forward to hearing the whole thing,” 

“When it’s finished you should come to the listening party,” He offers, his steps slowing as you make it to the curb of the busier street. 

“I would love to,” You smile, and Seonghwa nods.

“You’ll be alright to get home?” Hongjoong asks, turning towards you. 

“Absolutely,” 

“Let me,” Seonghwa steps past you to the edge of the sidewalk and raises an arm out to beckon a taxi over, and a yellow cab flicks its occupied light on and smoothly cuts over to the side lane. 

“Thanks, Hwa,” 

“Come out again soon?” Hongjoong asks, “I didn’t even get to my thoughts on 90s music,”

“Anytime,” You smile as Seonghwa opens up the taxi door for you. 

“I’ll send you some albums,” He adds.

“I love it,” You nod and move to the open door, catching Seonghwa’s eye as you do. 

“See you tomorrow,” He says as you slide into your seat. 

“Tomorrow,” 

He waits for you to swing your legs inside the car and then shuts the door tight, tapping on the hood and backing away to stand next to Hongjoong. He waves, and as the taxi pulls away they turn to walk back the way you came. 

Things stay perfectly in this new status quo for weeks, your life so much fuller and richer than the first few months you worked at KQ and tried to find inroads of friendship. Now you have dinner from time to time with Seonghwa and Hongjoong, drinks with your new dance troupe trio, workouts with San, coffee breaks with Wooyoung, and a growing sense of normalcy with Yunho and Mingi as you get back to work with them. 

You’re just starting to get comfortable when your phone reminds you that normal never lasts. 

As ever, things change. 

The shift starts with the first real peace offering you get from Yunho, weeks after the first night back in the studio with them. You’re buried in your phone trying to map out the dates of your next heat, paying exactly zero attention to your surroundings as you go through the app on your phone that tracks out your cycle symptoms. One that sends you painfully patronizing push notifications like - Hey girlie! Your heat is scheduled to start anytime in the next two weeks! Be sure to drink lots of water!! - complete with a panting red faced emoji. The last person you really want to see at this second is Yunho, or Mingi for that matter, and to be reminded of everything that happened a few months ago, but you’re never quite so lucky. 

Yunho’s hand enters your eyeline, dropping a coffee on the table in front of you and you jump at the sudden break in your concentration as you snap your phone lock on and let it slip through your fingers. 

“Sorry,” He smiles, “I didn’t mean to scare you.” 

“It’s okay,” You take a steadying breath as you watch him reach for your phone that skid across the floor, “I was just lost in thought,” 

“Mm,” He passes the phone back to you and you’re infinitely grateful for your panic response that locked the phone and darkened the screen to save you any more embarrassment, “is everything okay? You seem a little stressed,” 

“I’m good,” You assure him. 

Adjusting the cap on his head he gestures to the coffee, “Well, either way you looked like you could use one of these,” 

“Thank you,” You smile, trying to let the moment be normal. You had missed him bringing you little things. Before your heat he was always checking up on you, delivering water bottles and protein bars and iced americanos. You can’t help but comment on it as you lift the coffee and give it a shake, “it’s been a while,” 

“I know,” He grimaces, “I’m sorry,” 

“Don’t be,” You brush him off, “I just meant it’s nice, I’m really glad we’re friends again.” 

He swallows a little tightly, glancing to his side, and you know being vulnerable like this isn’t really his favorite thing but he’s trying, “I am sorry though,” he says finally, “Mingi and I shouldn’t have let things get so weird. That was… I mean, this is work. We shouldn’t have let it interfere like that, we should have just talked to you.” 

“Me too,” You murmur, letting him off the hook, “it goes both ways.” 

“Yeah,” He breathes, and then his eyes come up, “but friends? That’s what you want?” 

“Of course,” You nod quickly, the sharp idea of going back to barely talking or looking at each other making you queasy, and the past few weeks of working together with them has felt like a weight off your shoulders. 

There’s a beat between you, and a noise to your right as the door to the break room opens and bodies spill in. Someone shouts your name, but your eyes are holding so tightly to Yunho that you don’t even know who it was, you don’t really care. You need to know that he’s on the same page. 

Yunho nods finally and smiles, “Good, okay, friends,” 

Mingi crashes into him from the side with an arm slung over his shoulders and his face lit up in a bright smile, “Hey,” 

“Hi,” You smile, watching as Yunho crosses his arms loosely and lets Mingi stay clinging onto him. You catch Mingi’s eyes, “You’re in a good mood today,” 

“I guess so,” He shrugs, “it’s a good day,” 

The chair to your side moves and your head snaps over to see San flopping down, a freshly mixed protein smoothie in hand, “You’re late,” he comments and you snap a look to your watch. 

Fifteen minutes late to your training with him, and you grimace, “Shit, I’m sorry,” 

“It’s cool, I’ll just have to remember this when you’re begging to get out of the last set,” His eyebrows quirk up at you playfully. 

Mingi makes a quiet noise and when you look back up at him he’s pouting, “You never let me give you training tips,” 

“That’s because you hate the gym,” You laugh. 

His nose crinkles, “True,” 

Yunho laughs at the exchange and shrugs Mingi off and he looks like he’s about to add something to the conversation, but the door opens again and Dahan and Yujin cut their way through the dining area. 

Yujin catches your eye and smiles, “Ready for today?” 

You nod and try not to seem too terrified, “Definitely,” 

“See you at four,” She says, brushing past your table and heading for the coffee stations at the far side of the room. 

You let out a shaky breath, one you didn’t know you were holding quite so tightly in your chest and Yunho’s brow knits together, “What’s wrong?” 

“Nothing,” You assure him, “it’s just a big day for me,” 

“The meeting?” He asks, referring to the session later today where you and the rest of the crew will meet with the girl group members for the first time. You’ve been elected to run them through some of the point choreography, and while everyone will be working together, you’re first and that level of spotlight makes you buzz with anxiety. 

“Yeah,” You shrug, trying to stay casual about it, “it’s not that big of a deal, I know, but I’m still nervous,” 

“You’ve been working like crazy,” San cuts in, smoothing a hand over your fidgeting fingers to calm you down, “you’re going to be fine, when have you ever choked?” 

“You’re right,” You breathe, pulling your hand back and pushing your hair away from your face, “Yujin and Dahan are just very good.” You don’t elaborate, but the idea of teaching choreography in front of them makes your heart thump loudly in your chest. 

“You’re very good,” Mingi dismisses instantly with a noise in his throat. 

“Thanks, Mingi,” 

“It’s first time jitters,” Yunho smiles, “I get them every time we do something new,” 

“You do?” Your eyebrows shoot high. 

“Mhm,” He nods, “actually, I have an idea,” 

“Yeah?” 

“Let’s go for a run,” Yunho checks his watch and then nods. 

“Yunho,” You glance to San, “I don’t know,” 

“It clears my head every time, trust me,” He presses, “something about running outside… it’s definitely going to get you out of your head.” 

“Go,” San nods, brushing off your unspoken concern about ditching him. 

“You don’t mind?” You check with him. 

“Nah,” He grins, pushing himself up to stand and offering you a hand to help you to your feet too, “I’ll just go bother Wooyoung,” 

“I’m sure he’ll thank me for that,” You laugh. 

“He should be so grateful,” San brushes your arm lightly with his fingers and then gives you a warm smile, “but you go, relax, and text me later.” 

“I will,” You nod, and he jogs off. 

You twist back to Yunho and Mingi at the sound of a throat clearing and Mingi shifts from foot to foot, “I’d join you on the run, but,” 

“You hate running,” Yunho finishes for him, “you’re good,” 

“Yeah,” 

There’s a beat of silence between the three of you, and then Yunho clears his throat again, “Meet me out front in ten? I just need to change,” 

“Sure,” You have to do the same, and idly in the back of your mind you wonder if he’s a good runner, the kind of person who makes it look easy. 

“Great,” He smiles and then he’s off. 

Mingi watches him go and then shifts his attention back to you, “You’ll be great today,” 

“You think?” Your nervousness slips out. 

“I know.” He nods, pointed with no room for discussion. 

You swallow tightly, but agree anyway. 

Mingi guides you back out of the pull of your own thoughts when he claps a hand down on your shoulder as he moves past you and around the table, “Just chill,” 

“Chill,” You repeat dumbly. 

“Mhm,” He shrugs, quirking up an eyebrow at you as he pushes through the door and away. 

You’re used to his naturally flirtatious energy, but even a look that intense from him can send your stomach into little flip flops. Your phone dings again in your pocket, the familiar sound of your cycle app sending you another reminder and you don’t even bother to look and see what it says, your lingering gaze on Mingi is enough to tell you. 

Alone in the break room you sigh and run your hands through your hair before shaking the little interaction off and heading out to meet Yunho. By the time you’re out front he’s already there, and you think it’s quite possible that this is the biggest mistake you’ve ever made when you lay eyes on him. He’s dressed comfortably, in shorts and running shoes, but it’s the sleeveless black top that makes your pulse quicken. 

“Alright,” He says as he sees you approaching, “let’s do it.” 

“Okay,” You stretch out your arms in front of you and do your best to focus on your own body and not his and all the ways you’ve seen it move before. 

He waves you along and then starts to run. 

You set a pace together with ease, and you’re not sure if it’s Yunho accommodating you or you accommodating him, but either way you fall into step smoothly as you start jogging through the streets of Seoul. He adjusts the black cap on his head and settles his arms into a comfortable running position and he slowly starts to increase the pace, but you match him smoothly right back. 

“Do you have a route?” You ask between controlled breaths. 

“Yeah,” He nods, gesturing up ahead, “just follow me,” 

You murmur your agreement, and then refocus your eyes ahead and not on the man to your side. He’s right, you do need this. Your shoulders have been tense with stress for days, your body tired and feeling jittery, but the steady steps over the pavement and the cool air have your muscles relaxing already. You stay focused on your breath and the rest starts to melt away. 

“This way,” He directs after a little while heading straight, and he takes a smooth left turn across a busy intersection where the walk signs are lit up for you. 

In the distance is a block of trees marking the start of one of the riverside parks, and you’re sure that’s where he’s running to. You can feel him glancing down at you every so often, making sure you’re still at his side, and it’s oddly comforting to run with him and not alone for once. It’s been a while since you’ve been out like this, you’ve taken to sticking with San in the comfort of the KQ gyms, but with Yunho at your side it feels comfortable and right. 

“Good?” He asks as you push over the next street and into the entrance of the trail, hooking through two lines of trees. 

“Good,” You confirm, “you?” 

He smiles and laughs a little, but keeps running, “Definitely,” 

You push on and keep pace, moving down the pathway through the trees, nothing but the sound of each other’s breath for company. Being cocooned in trees, this close to the water, makes you feel insulated from the city and with every step your worries about the meeting later have started to fall away. 

You glance to Yunho and see that his eyes are still focused ahead, but you swallow hard at the pink blush across his cheeks and collarbones, the sweat now visible on his tanned skin. You have such a clear image of him above you, broad hand on your cheek and cock buried inside your body, looking flushed and sweaty just as he does now. 

“Feeling better?” He asks, not slowing his run at all. 

His voice jolts you out of your meandering thoughts, “Hmm?” 

“Are you feeling any better?” He tries again, “less stressed?” 

“A little,” You concede. 

He nods, but keeps moving. The lack of conversation between you both normally feels tight and unnatural, but lately it’s started to feel safe again. He’s always been a person you can just be around, nothing extra, just existing. It finally, finally feels right again. 

You make your way a little further into the park until it starts to curve around with the bend of the river. Yunho gestures up ahead to a block of benches that overlook the water and he glances down at you, “Let’s take a breath there and then double back,” 

“Yeah,” 

As you approach the benches and start to slow, Yunho grins, “It’s gorgeous today,” 

“It really is,” You agree, chest heaving a little at the effort from the run and you focus on deep steady inhales and exhales. 

He walks past the benches and up to the railing at the water, leaning down and resting his elbows on the dark blue painted steel, “That looks fun,” he comments, gesturing towards a group of boats on the water. 

“Mm,” You sigh, leaning next to him, your arms nearly brushing, “especially on a day like today.” 

He nods quietly, his eyes closing for a moment as he soaks up the warm sun, and then he turns towards you and leans against the railing with his hip, “So,” he says, “is it first time jitters, or is something else going on?” 

“W-what do you mean?” His words break you out of your thoughts again, and you didn’t even realize your mind was slipping away somewhere else, but every time he interrupts you it’s painfully obvious to you that you can’t stop worrying. 

“I’ve seen you nervous,” He comments, “this feels like more,” 

You shift towards him and look up, “A little, maybe,” 

“Tell me,” He prompts you, extending his hand for a fraction of a second before he lets it drop back to his thigh. 

Your first thought is that you want to touch him too, but you resist it. 

“Teaching these girls,” You trail off, dropping your eyes again to the ripple of the water as it kisses the rocky shore, “something about doing it in front of Yujin and Dahan… and even you,” 

“Me?” His voice runs high. 

“It’s just scary,” You admit, “I’m sure I’ll get over it.” 

“I don’t want to make you scared,” He murmurs.

  “It’s not that,” You glance up at him, but it’s safer to keep your focus on the water, “I just…. I don’t know if I belong in that room yet, and today all the attention will be on me. I’ve never taught anyone like this before,” 

“Yes, you have,” Yunho finally does touch you, nudging your arm and getting your eyes back on him, “you came up with good stuff for this routine. You taught all of us, and I saw you practicing everything together to show them. You’re ready,” 

“You really believe that?” The words slip out. 

“y/n,” His brow furrows, “of course I do, I wouldn’t have suggested you in the first place if I thought you couldn’t do this.” 

He’s right, you can do this, and with flying colors too if you really set your mind to it, but the question still brews in the back of your brain and you have to ask. “Yunho,” You sigh, “why did you suggest me?” 

“Why wouldn’t I?”

“We weren’t talking,” You explain, “we were barely looking at each other in the studio, but you still pulled me into this project. Why?” 

He’s still for a moment, his eyes flicking over your face and then he sighs, “Because you’re good, and because I know how hard you were working even when we weren’t talking. And because,” he pauses, “because I wanted you there,”

“For me or for my skills?”

“For your skills,” He nods, “the fact that it’s you… well, that just made my choice easier.” 

“You really mean that, don’t you?” You murmur.

  “I do,” He nods, “so be regular nervous all you want, but never doubt your place in the room, okay? I wouldn’t do that to you.” 

“Thank you, Yunho,” 

He nods and looks back out to the water before checking his watch and taking a deep breath, “You ready to head back?” 

“Let’s do it,” You agree with a sigh, shaking out your limbs. 

“Did this help?” He asks as he pushes off the railing. 

“Yeah,” You smile, “I mean, I’m still a little terrified, but I think that’s normal.” 

“Mhm,” He smooths his hand across your shoulders and gives you a squeeze, “plus, I promise you can dance circles around these girls any day of the week,” 

“Oh, shut up,” You roll your eyes, “now you’re laying it on too thick,” 

“I don’t lie,” He grins, “you know that already,” 

You open your mouth to retort but he takes the wind right out of your sails when he starts to jog backwards and he sticks his tongue out to tease you. As he twists around he calls back over his shoulder, “Race you back!”

You scramble forwards, “Hey! No fair, you got a head start,” 

He keeps running, but you hear him laugh, “Catch up then!”

You pump your legs harder, moving as fast as possible as you try to reach him. You watch as he glances back over his shoulder, goading you into pushing yourself harder, something swells in your chest. He’s close, if you just pick it up a little more, focus a little more, you’ll reach him. Maybe pass him. 

“You still with me?” He shouts back, voice light. 

Your heart is pounding in your ears, blood rushing loud, and your chest is screaming with the effort of working your body this hard but you don’t care. You want to win, you need to win. You pump your legs harder, clear your mind, and race. You gain on him inch by inch and you grin when you hear him laugh again, catching you in his peripheral vision as you scream up next to him. He says something but you miss it, your head too focused on every step in front of you. 

When you finally make it back to KQ you all but skid into the back entrance with him, colliding shoulder to shoulder and having to brace yourself on the entryway wall so you don’t pitch right over onto the hardwood floor. 

Yunho’s hands close over your hips to steady you, and you hear his heavy breath above you before he laughs, “Jesus, you’re fast,” 

“You annoyed me,” You wheeze, pressing on your side where a painful, sharp stitch has taken up residence. 

Your fingers brush along his for the barest of seconds and he pulls his hands back instantly before giving you an apologetic smile and pulling off his ball cap to wipe the sweat off his brow with the bottom of his shirt. The quick flash of his abs makes you dizzy. 

“I still won,” Yunho sighs, leaning against the wall. 

You shoot him a look, but you’re still catching your breath and at this point it’s not even worth the fight. As you raise your head to look at him, you suddenly notice the crowded hallway towards the side of the door. Wooyoung and San stand close together, angled towards you but clearly just in halted conversation with Minseok, Yujin, and two of the other dancers. 

Wooyoung gives you a single pointed eyebrow raise. 

“Were you racing?” Minseok asks, glancing between the two of you. 

You make an affirmative noise, all you can do while you recover.

  “Fun,” Wooyoung laughs a little to himself and if you had the energy you’d smack him, but you can’t even bother. 

“Why?” Minseok asks. 

“Why not?” Yunho shrugs and then turns his attention back to you, “Good?” 

“Good,” You nod.

  For a second he looks like he wants to say something else, maybe give you one last encouraging speech, but he just settles on a smile, “See you in there,” 

You nod, smiling back up at him, and then he pushes through the little pocket of your coworkers to get back to the locker rooms. You take another second to catch your breath against the wall, Wooyoung making an expression you need to roll your eyes at, but then you realize. You feel great. 

The nerves from the whole day have dissipated, the surging rush of endorphins from pushing yourself so hard, drowning out anything in your body except adrenaline, joy, and a little exhaustion. You could kiss him. 

At four o’clock, when you walk into the room, you do it with a clear head. In the back of the studio, Yunho smiles. 

***

A week later, your app dings again and this time it’s right on the money.

You submit the paperwork on Thursday after practice, another lozenge tucked into your cheek as you start to feel the first signs of your upcoming heat. It’s already better than last time, a more familiar kind of cycle than what you last experienced. You’re used to it being mostly mild, a few times a year leaving you achy and sore, and insatiably horny, but nothing like the desperate cramping from before. 

This time you have things down to a predictable science, and though you might have a few moments of serious weakness or deeper feelings of heat, you’d be fine. This time there would be no dizzy desperation, no crying into your pillow in hopes that an alpha would soothe you and take it away. No begging to be claimed. It would be fine. 

You should be fine. 

You leave the paperwork on the back desk and hurry out to catch a ride back home before you start to really feel it, but all you can imagine is Yunho’s face when he picks up the papers and you need to not be in the building when that happens. 

At home you set yourself up for the next few days. Bedroom door locked, a stash of water bottles, a stack of towels, and a bedside table full of charged and ready toys. You get undressed out of your restrictive leggings and tighter clothes, and pull on a simple pair of sleep shorts and a loose oversized top. Fabric that won’t cling or make you hot, just comfortable enough to relax and take it easy as your body starts to sink into heat. 

For a while things are normal and fine, regular aches and pains. You watch a show on your iPad and zone out the feeling, but eventually every little shift of your hips feels sharper, and a low throb starts to pulse inside you. It’s evening when you start to lose focus on the drama you’re watching. Something about the male lead seems familiar to you and your mind keeps drifting. 

You settle back into the cushions to get more comfortable and to try and refocus on the show, but the ghost sensation of lips on your throat makes your eyes drift closed. 

Your hand is pushing under the elastic of your sleep shorts before you can even think it through. 

Your mind keeps replaying the image of Mingi pushing his glasses up into his hair and smiling, the way his hands ran over your body and landed firm on your hips. Yunho’s head between your thighs. Both their fingers searching your body, pushing inside you, pulling you apart over and over again. Their hot breath on your throat. Pretty omega, they called you. Something tumbles in your chest, knots build up in your stomach. Your fingers feel good but they pale in comparison to what you had before and you work yourself up and up but nothing quite comes close to the edge of pleasure you’re looking for. 

You’re my best girl. 

You bite back a moan and push two fingers inside yourself. 

You can almost feel their hands on you, their hot kisses, gentle nips of your skin, but you can’t find the feeling of them inside you. You quicken your hand and replay the images faster in your mind. You miss them, you need them, you want them. You come hard and fast with a shudder, your eyes snapping back open. 

There she is. That’s our girl.

“F-fuck,” You breathe to yourself, pulling your hand out of your shorts. Your chest is heaving, a light sheen of sweat over you, and your core throbs like your body wants you to go again. 

“Oh my god,” You breathe, pushing yourself off the bed and stumbling into the bathroom, “what is wrong with you, get a grip,” 

You shake it off, trying to ignore the fact that you just thought about them while you were getting yourself off. It’s just heat, that’s all it ever is with them, that has to be it. Hot alphas will always scramble your brain at a time like this, you just have to listen to yourself and get a grip.

With a sigh you wash your hands, crawl back into bed, and try to just fall asleep and ignore the images still looping in the back of your brain. 

You don’t sleep though, you can’t. 

You toss and you turn, and you ache, but you don’t sleep. 

Around the third hour of trying to soothe your cramps with a heating pad that you decide to say fuck it and ask for help. You have a small window of time to get to wherever you’ll be spending the duration of your heat, and even though you know with your suppressants this won’t be quite as bad as before, your body still wants.

For a second you think about Mingi. You miss his hands, his easy smile, the way he would slowly stroke your back and massage your hips. You miss his scent, his warmth, and his all encompassing comfort. But things have just started to get back to normal at the studio with him and Yunho and you can’t let a moment of heat weakness lead you back. 

You open your phone, flipping through social media in an attempt to distract your mind but before you know it you have Yunho’s contact open and you’re fighting the urge to call, just to hear his voice for a second. 

Your finger hovers over the button, you can hear his voice in your mind. 

Sweetheart, just tell me where you are, I’m coming to get you. 

You can see it. 

But it’s just your heat. No matter how much Wooyoung likes to tease you about having a crush, it’s just this. Biology you can’t control rewiring your brain and telling you that they’re your perfect match. But you don’t believe in perfect matches or scent pairings. You don’t.

A particularly tight cramp ripples through your middle and you clench your fist through the pain, shifting in your bedding once again, sweat building at your brow. 

In a flash of genius and panic, you close Yunho’s contact card and open another. 

The phone rings and rings. 

He’s busy, you’ve probably missed him, and when he offered he was drunk anyways so he probably doesn’t remember but then suddenly the phone clicks and connects and his warm voice fills your ear, “Hey, y/n,” 

“S-Seonghwa,” You sigh, trying to sound as put together as possible, “hey,” 

“Is everything okay?” He checks, and you hear a little background noise and hope to god he’s not still at the studio. 

“Definitely,” You press your eyes closed and bite the inside of your lip to keep from making a tight, stressed sound. 

“Okay…” He waits a moment and then adds, “then what’s going on? You never call,”

The cramp passes and you take a breath, “Sorry, are you busy? I can call later,” 

“No, no,” He says, “I’m just grabbing a drink with Wooyoung and Joong,” 

“Is that y/n?” You hear Wooyoung in the background, “Tell her to come meet us!”

“Woo,” Seonghwa’s voice sounds a little far from the receiver and then he comes back on the line, “If you’re free, you can come meet us? We were just thinking about dinner, Hongjoong has a new project for us, you might be interested,” 

“Oh,” For a second, in the space between your cramps you forget why you called in the first place, “a new song?” 

“Two,” You can practically hear the smile on Seonghwa’s face. 

“Exciting,” You smile. 

“So what do you say,” Seonghwa says, “come out?” 

You would, you wish you could, but you shake your head, “I can’t, I actually… I’ll be out for a couple of days. I submitted the paperwork this morning,” 

“Are you going somewhere?” He asks, not yet picking up on the obvious. 

“Leave,” You smile at his question. 

“Leave,” He repeats, “oh, oh leave!” 

“Say it louder, Seonghwa,” You groan. 

“Is that why you’re calling?” He says, and a little blush creeps into your cheeks at the thought that he’s with other people and talking to you about this like it’s nothing. 

“Kind of,” You admit, “I don’t know, you’re busy I just remembered what you said, but you don’t have to,” 

“How are you now? I’m at least thirty minutes away, is that too long?” 

Warmth blooms in your chest, “I’m fine, honestly, go have dinner,” 

You can practically see him rolling his eyes when he says, “Stop being a martyr. Listen, I’ll call you right back, okay?” 

“Okay,” 

“And don’t worry,” He assures, his voice honeyed and warm, “I will call, I’ll only be a minute,” 

“Okay,” You manage, “thank you, Hwa,” 

He says something more but you miss it with the light commotion in the background, and then the line clicks dead. 

It takes two minutes, but he calls you right back. 

“Hey,” You sigh into the receiver. 

“Can you text Woo your address?” Seonghwa asks first, “We’re grabbing a cab,” 

“Oh,” You flip the phone on speaker and start typing, “okay, yeah, I’m… Seonghwa, are you sure?” 

“Mhm,” He replies, “as long as you are.” 

“Give me the phone,” You hear Wooyoung and immediately laugh. 

“What do you want?” Seonghwa says, clearly not talking to you. 

“Phone,” You hear him say and then after a brief groan, Wooyoung’s voice is in your ear, “Hey, you,” 

“Hey,” Something about him calms you instantly. 

“How far gone are you? Should we pick stuff up on our way or can you come back to my place?” He’s straight and to the point but still gentle, and you’re starting to feel glad that you called them and not anyone else. 

“I’m fine,” You assure him, “I can make it to yours. My roommates are here, I think it would be….” 

“Got it,” He says, “well just rest, we’ll be there soon,” 

Tears well up in your eyes and you sniffle softly, trying to keep it to yourself.

He picks up on the soft sound immediately, “Hey, hey, what’s wrong?” 

You swallow and wipe away the gathering moisture, “Nothing, you’re both just being so nice,” 

“Aw,” He murmurs, “jagiya you’re one of us now, we always take care of each other.” 

“Is she crying?” You hear Seonghwa’s voice raise an octave in the background. 

“She’s good,” Wooyoung brushes it off, “alright, twenty minutes okay, get your stuff, take a deep breath, and I’ll text you when we’re downstairs.” 

“Thanks, Woo,” You manage. 

“Deep breaths,” He reminds, and then he’s gone. 

You must be insane. You must be fully crazy to invite this type of chaos into your life twice with yet another group of men, but something about this feels right. It feels safe and sure, and something about Wooyoung being an omega too is just making all of this feel so much simpler than last time. At least where your heart is concerned. 

It takes you all twenty minutes to get your things together, but you decide to focus on this instead of what all this chaos might mean. You pack a bag of necessities and then change into something loose but more presentable than your sleep clothes. When your phone buzzes again you don’t even look down at it, you just know that it’s Wooyoung arriving right on the dot and you slip out of your apartment as quietly as you can. 

Downstairs a car waits across the street and when Seonghwa emerges to greet you, he rushes forwards to take your bags. Your cheeks light up with blush and you have to take a half, staggering step backwards, already being outside and in the presence of an alpha your subconscious mind is reacting to him. 

“Let me get these,” Seonghwa says, pulling the bags from your hands, and the touch of his warm skin along yours has a shaky breath leaving your lips.

“Thanks,” You murmur, watching him pack them into the trunk of the cab, and then he turns. 

He takes a good look at you and nods, “Yeah, let’s get you to Woo’s,” 

“Is it obvious?” You cup your cheeks. 

“Not too much,” He assures you, extending his hand for you to take, “but let’s not waste time,” 

“Let’s go,” You nod, and he tugs you forwards gently to get you into the car. You settle into the middle seat between Wooyoung and Seonghwa easily. 

“Doing good?” Wooyoung asks you, trying to be subtle in front of the driver. 

“Mhm,” You nod, and you smile when he laces your fingers together and gives you a squeeze. 

Seonghwa gives the next address to the driver and you’re away. 

It’s quiet at first, all you can focus on is the way the miles slowly tick down on the map the driver is using, and you try to breathe through your mouth in the closed car full of competing scents but it’s nearly impossible. Seonghwa’s scent envelops you easily, especially in the closed air circulation of the car. Warm, like freshly brewed coffee. You close your eyes as a cramp passes through you and you try not to think of him even though his leg keeps bumping into yours every time the car takes a turn. 

The automated sound of a window breaks your concentration and you glance to your side. Seonghwa isn’t looking at you, but he’s cracked the back window a couple of inches, and the pulse of clean air leaves you able to take a shaky inhale and exhale. Wooyoung squeezes your hand again. 

The mileage counter keeps clicking down. Seonghwa’s scent stays present in your mind despite the fresh air. Your stomach tightens. The car takes a particularly curving turn and your body is pressed against Seonghwa’s from knee to shoulder and you squeeze Wooyoung’s hand back instead of letting the whine in your throat bubble out. 

Your stomach clenches again, and then you feel it. A rush of slick as your body prepares, a flushing flood of hot warmth rolling up your body and through your cheeks. Seonghwa’s arm crosses over you like a seatbelt and he closes his hand over your left thigh, his thumb drawing slow circles to keep you steady and protect you from anyone noticing. 

You let yourself glance up at him once more, but he’s still focused out the window, doing his best to comfort you without drawing an ounce of attention. 

“Out front?” The driver asks suddenly, and you realize the building ahead across the intersection must be theirs. 

“That’s perfect,” Seonghwa replies smoothly, “thank you.” 

The minute it takes to cross the intersection feels never ending, and then suddenly things start moving at two-times speed. As the heat cramps increase, Seonghwa’s arm is around your waist and Wooyoung is left hauling your stuff up into the elevator. They get you inside smoothly and as the doors close, Seonghwa lets out a sigh of relief. 

“I thought I was going to have to fight every alpha in the lobby,” Seonghwa laughs as the elevator begins to climb, “are you sure you’re on suppressants?” 

You can’t help but elbow him slightly in the ribs, “Yes,” 

“I’m kidding,” He squeezes you, “you just smell like an extremely edible cake,” 

“Mm,” You murmur as a small cramp passes, “well, you know, this is why I’m on the strong stuff,” 

The elevator doors open and Wooyoung steps out before you, glancing to either side down the apartment hallway before beckoning you both forwards. He gets out his keys and glances over his shoulder at you both, “Which?” 

You tell him the brand as you lean harder on Seonghwa who hushes you softly with a comforting squeeze. 

“Ah,” Wooyoung nods, “no wonder,” 

You open your mouth to ask him what he means by that, but he’s too busy pushing open the door to his apartment and opening it up for you both to slip inside. 

His place is overwhelmingly simple and clean, utilitarian with dark black furniture and gray moody accents, but it suits him. He drops his keys off on the kitchen island and beckons you inside, “Come on in, get comfortable,” 

Seonghwa steers you to the couch and settles you down on the middle cushion, “So, where are we at?” 

Settled onto the couch now, you honestly feel fine. Your back hurts a little, and your joints are a little stiff, but the aching, pulsing pain you felt back at your apartment has mostly dissipated, “I think I’m fine,” 

“Yeah?” 

“I mean,” You cross your legs, your hands itching to wrap a cozy blanket around yourself but finding none, “off meds I was practically feral, this is…. manageable,” 

“Manageable is good,” Seonghwa smiles. 

Wooyoung settles his hand over your yours, soothing your little trembles and then he dips his head to catch your eyes, “I have a room all set up,” 

“You do?” Your eyes widen. 

“Mm,” He tangles your fingers together again and gives you a squeeze, “I used to have a roommate but when he moved out I just converted the second bedroom,” 

“Oh,” You breathe, and you can’t imagine the expense to maintain an apartment large enough to have your very own heat sanctuary, but you dream of the day you get to. 

“Let’s go relax in there,” Wooyoung nods, “maybe you’ll like it and get a little sleep,” 

“Should we talk?” You glance up at Seonghwa. 

“We will,” Seonghwa assures you as he shrugs off his blazer, “but go get comfortable, I’ll start setting up,” 

“Setting up?” You ask, confusion evident in your voice. 

“Ah,” Wooyoung bumps you with his shoulder, “our Seonghwa takes his caretaker responsibilities very seriously,” 

“You’ll want for nothing here, jagiya,” Seonghwa smiles and takes a slight bow, “Wooyoungie is the most pampered omega in Seoul, it will be nice to take care of someone less bratty for a change,” 

You laugh sharply and cover your mouth with your hand, “What have I gotten myself into?” 

“A fun weekend,” Seonghwa smiles, “now relax, let Woo show you the place.” 

Already this feels less stressful than before, and maybe that’s the level of your heat or maybe it’s them, but it feels easy. Wooyoung pulls you up and watches you carefully as you stand to make sure you’re feeling well, and then he guides you down the hall. 

Wooyoung’s nesting room is exactly what you’ve been looking for. The bed in this room isn’t necessarily large, but what it is, is covered in blankets and plush pillows. The second bedroom of his apartment has been so smoothly converted into an office and omega haven that you almost wish you had been here for your last, harder heat. 

“Okay,” Wooyoung walks you in, “there’s a robe on the back of the door you can use, the mini fridge is pretty stocked, and on that shelf by the bed there’s lozenges, wipes, towels, you name it.” 

“Oh my God,” You breathe, scanning over everything as he gestures. 

“And over in that bedside table,” He points out the single nightstand, “there’s pretty much any toy you’ll need.” 

“Oh,” You blush. 

“Hwa and I will be here, of course,” He assures you, “but I like a little extra something,” 

“Right,” You smile, “of course you do,” 

A gentle knock on the door behind you brings you out of your focus, studying every inch of his perfect heat sanctuary and you turn to see Seonghwa leaning against the door frame. 

“How are you feeling?” He asks gently. 

“Like myself,” You tell him honestly, “it’s starting, but it doesn’t feel too bad.” 

“Mm,” He nods, “it probably won’t be quite as bad as last time, but I’m certainly here for whatever you need,” 

“Thank you, Hwa,” You smile, “I can’t thank you enough,” 

His eyes light up with warmth and then he looks over you both, “This is nice,” he comments, “the two of you in here,” 

“Don’t get ahead of yourself,” Wooyoung laughs as he leans against the desk, “no one’s ready for your knot yet,” 

A throb pulses through you, but blissfully no one notices. 

“I just think it’s nice,” He shrugs, “two pretty omegas,”

You blush. 

“Oh,” Seonghwa smiles as he notices your pink cheeks, “you liked that,” 

“Hwa,” You protest weakly. 

“Ignore him,” Wooyoung cuts in front of you and leads you back to the bed, “get cozy, you’ll love this.” 

He all but puts you in the bed himself, but in minutes you’re relaxed against the cushions, under cooling sheets and downy comforters. Seonghwa waits in the doorway while you get settled, but once you are he smiles and crosses the room to sit on the edge of the bed. 

“You’re feeling alright?” He asks, reaching for your hand. 

“So far,” You nod, “and this bed is wildly comfortable,” 

“Good,” Seonghwa’s fingers smooth over your wrist, slowly stroking your gland and easing you further, “I’m going to go fix you both something for dinner, and if you need anything in the meantime Wooyoung will be right here,” 

“Okay,” You breathe. 

“I’m going to give Sannie a ring too,” His voice evens out in his chest, low and warm and tender to keep you melting into the bed under you, “is it okay if I tell him you’re here?” 

“Sure,” 

“Alright then,” He smiles, “just relax,” 

“Feeling pretty relaxed,” You tell him. 

The sound of your phone vibrating on Wooyoung’s desk draws your eyes, but you focus back on Seonghwa when he says, “I’m sure we can relax you more, don’t worry.” 

“You’re forward,” You nudge his thigh. 

“And you called me for sex,” He shrugs, “who’s forward now?” 

Wooyoung laughs sharply and claps his hands, “This weekend is going to be very fun,” 

Your phone buzzes again, then again, and your brows draw together as you look towards it, “Could you,” 

Seonghwa doesn’t let you finish your sentence, he crosses the room quickly and then passes your phone over to you, “I’ll be back in a little while, okay?” 

“Thank you,” 

He nods with a warm expression, and then leaves you and Wooyoung be inside this little cocoon. 

“Glad you called?” Wooyoung grins, cheeky and teasing.

  “Mm,” You sink deeper into the pillows behind you, “I might have to move in, just for this bed,” 

His nose crinkles, “We’ve got to update your space, you should have somewhere like this too,” 

“I’d like that,” You sigh, “someday,” 

Your phone buzzes again. 

“Soon,” Wooyoung dismisses, “until then you can always come here,” 

“Well, that’s really nice of you, but,” You tear your eyes away from him to finally illuminate the screen of your phone and your words die on your lips when you see the messages. 

Yunho’s name on your screen makes your breath quicken and you open the chat. 

hey I got your paperwork. of course it’s fine, but would you please let me know you’re somewhere safe? 

I probably shouldn’t have asked that. 

I just want to make sure you made it home safely, that’s all. If you need help getting home, you know I’m only a phone call away. 

Just… please let me know. 

“y/n?” Wooyoung’s voice breaks through your buzzing brain as you read Yunho’s messages over and over. 

“What?” You manage, glancing up for the briefest second to catch his worried expression. 

“What’s going on?” He asks softly. 

“Um,” You murmur, but then your phone buzzes in your hand again, this time not a message from Yunho at all. 

He’s freaking out a little bit, but I told him you’re probably already home and sleeping. 

Which you are, right? 

The two texts from Mingi hang in front of you and a tense feeling knots up in your throat. 

“Hey,” Wooyoung interrupts again, pushing his way into the bed beside you without preamble and sidling up to your side, “are you crying?”

“No,” You shake your head, “sorry, I just,”

He waits, holding your gaze with his warm brown eyes and attentive nods, and before you know it you’re letting the phone fall into his hands. 

He reads the texts quietly, and then hums, “They’re worried,”

“I know,” Your voice is small. 

“Do you want to respond?” He asks. 

“I don’t know,” You confess honestly. 

“You don’t owe them anything,” He murmurs quietly, locking your phone and setting it to the side so he can turn to you, “I know I keep teasing you about it, but if you wanted to be with them you would have called them. You know how you feel, not me,” 

He smooths your hair back and cups your cheek, gathering you a little closer under the covers. You take a deep, shaky breath, and the sudden scent of him all around you feels like a blanket. Fresh linen and summer salt, like falling into bed after a long day in the sun on the beach. His skin is warm against yours and familiar. 

“Do you really think that?” You ask.

“Mhm,” He all but whispers, “and either way, you don’t owe them a response right now. You owe yourself rest,” 

“Yeah,” 

He gives you a minute, and then rubs his thumb over your cheek, “You want to watch something dumb? Maybe fall asleep on me?” 

You nod, lips locking tight as your throat stays tense. You feel like if you talk about anything else you might start crying, so you let him pull you closer and grab the remote for the TV mounted on the far wall. He doesn’t ask you what you want to watch, he doesn’t push you any further, he knows you need him to just take care of things before you crumble and text them back. 

He selects something funny without putting too much thought into it, and wraps his arm around you as you settle your cheek onto his chest. This was what you were missing so much the last time you went through heat, the steadying comfort of another omega. Your fluttering nerves fall away, and his scent makes you feel warm and your eyes heavy. 

“Woo,” You murmur into his shirt. 

“Yeah?” 

“You’re the best friend I’ve ever had,” You confess. 

He sighs, fingers finding yours under the comforter, “And you’re mine,” 

You snuggle into him a little more, fingertips brushing the warm hollow of his throat and your heart slowing to a steady, easy rhythm to pump in time with his. Distantly as you fall into sleep, you feel the buzz of your phone again somewhere halfway across the mattress, but this time you don’t even open your eyes. 

Wooyoung silences it when it buzzes again, his words soft against your hair when he says, “It’ll all wait until tomorrow, babe, you just rest easy,” 

You nod, a yawn taking over you and he chuckles.

“Just sleep,” He murmurs softly, and you do, their messages left unanswered. 

[shiftinglea]

hi, I want to manifest my dream life, but in the 3d my life is the complete opposite of that, like I'm currently looking for part-time jobs and I'm about to apply to university, so i basically have to think of my 3d life on purpose you know to do those things. And, it's not only those kinds of thoughts, like sometimes i have to prepare, plan and remind myself of things that'll happen a couple days, weeks or even months later. How do i make sure that those thoughts i think of on purpose don't prevent my dream life from manifesting?

Hey there. I know what you mean because I’ve been in a similar situation. You don’t have to ignore your 3D life and responsibilities. Do whatever you need to do, but in your mind, be the person who is living your dream life. It’s about knowing that you have your desire and that you are the person you want to be.

Here’s an example: imagine you are a tourist visiting a remote and primitive village. It doesn’t have all the luxuries and comforts you have at home. Does it mean that, even though you are currently in a primitive village, you are not a person with all the luxuries and wealth? No, because you are simply a visitor, and you know you’ll be back home. You might not even know when exactly you’ll be back home since you didn’t purchase a ticket back, but you know that at some point, you will fly back home and whatever you want is there waiting for you. It’s yours.

So, treat your 3D reality as something you are visiting at the moment. Know that you have your desires, even though you can’t see them right now in front of you. They are yours, just waiting for you. Perceive your 3D reality as a person who is already living your dream life. Thinking and planning about things that might happen in your 3D reality won’t affect your progress unless you decide it does. But also know that 3D reality is very malleable and can drastically change. So, plan if you need to, but be open to new possibilities.