#but I AM coming back
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last night I dreamed I was standing on the bleachers again listening to the soft sound of the waves from the other side of the trees
and I started running through the overgrown grass, across hot pavement and down damp sand, washed up red brick fragments digging into my feet until I felt the water cold on my toes
and I jumped and it hit me like a tidal wave, shocking the breath out of my lungs with the taste of salt, my city reaching up to catch me, and I was home
#this one is gonna come true I can feel it#I’m terrified of leaving Boston because I know what it is to come home to find home’s changed so much it’s unrecognizable#you will never make it back to any place you leave and find it like you left it#and when you leave home you know you can’t go back#but I AM coming back#I have to believe that#and when I do carson beach will be waiting#it’s only four years I am NOT getting stuck in the Midwest for the rest of my life#not goodbye just see ya later XD#snailtalk
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you said you were stuck in a time loop, which was fine. i feel like late-stage capitalism has us all in a time loop, ammiright? you came barging in at 5:33. in the morning. i hadn't even processed the idea of coffee.
but you had this look of utter panic in your eyes. terror like the ocean. you grabbed my cheeks. im in a time loop.
i don't know why in movies the first reaction is to deny it. when someone is panicking like that, it's not appropriate to ask them to calm down. it didn't matter if i believed it, what mattered was that you believed it so much that it was consuming you.
so here we are. i pour you some of the dark roast. "you look like utter and entire hell," i say.
you push your fingers into your eyes. "you always say that."
i try to think of something funny to say that i wouldn't have said on previous time loops, but jokes don't land without the proper timing (lol). "remind me to think -"
"-yeah, of a joke that only works in the future. and before you say anything, i know you're pissed i just stole your punchline." you bolt the coffee, which is wild. it's very hot. you don't seem to notice.
i blow on mine to cool it down. i both am very pissed at you and also i can't see you in this amount of panic without wanting to help. but i'm also not really sure what we are, not since i saw you kiss her like that, no offense. it just was like, kind of rude when you knew i liked you.
and besides. i'm just like, barely a person. i write omegaverse fanfiction. i love the concept of a time loop, but what the fuck am i gonna do? send an alpha in there? i open my mouth.
you point at me. "you're about to ask why me. and then say some disparaging shit about yourself. i'm just a nerd who plays dnd or something. that self-own is slightly different each time." you sigh. "i know you think you can't really help me. i don't know who can help me. i only came to you because you fucking believe me." you check your watch, sigh, and throw your head back. you cover your eyes with one hand. "i've come here on 26 separate revolutions," you say. "you have believed me every time. and yeah, i have no idea how you fit into this but i just -" you sigh again. "i just like fucking talking to someone about it."
"do you need more cof-" i start, but you're already holding the empty cup out. i frown at it. "you're not getting any more until you promise not to bolt this one like an animal."
you laugh a little and sit up, pushing your hair out of your face. "okay, that's new dialogue. but to be fair to you, i'm not usually this rude. i'm still pretty new at all of this." you check your watch again. another sigh. i guess you're cruising for a personal best in the Sigh Olympics.
i almost tell you im not an NPC but i've played enough video games to know i'm very much an NPC. i pour you another cup. "so what happens in the loop?"
"really bad explosion." you mutter into the mug. you put your elbows on the table (rude) and bury your face in your arms like an angsty teenager. one hand floats up while you talk, because evidently you literally can't talk without your hands. "i have to save the day and there's this bomb and i have no bomb training and it keeps moving, you know."
"do i die?"
you peek up from your arms. "yeah. bigtime. you keep trying to run or stay or do anything and you always super die."
"oh."
"to be fair, like, everyone dies in it though.... so you're in good company."
i hate that you make me laugh. i hate that being around you always feels tingly and strange, this electric tension between us. something that is evidently (given how you stuck your tongue down a stranger's throat literally 3 days ago) (well. 3 for me) super one-sided. i take a sip of my coffee and close my eyes.
i die today, i guess. a little spark of panic starts at the top of my hands and starts whipping up my wrists.
"shit," you say. you look at your watch and jump to your feet. "i have to go. if i can come back, i will. i am still trying to figure out when is best to do everything, you know? the order of stuff. maybe morning isn't good for us."
i look up at you and think about how you keep kissing me in the back of my car and in alleyways and in the dark. and i can never fucking get a read on you. and i also think about how incredibly panicked you look. how broken. how long have you been doing this? "i don't want to die," i say.
you glance downwards. "well, you're not really dead, you'll come back in the loop."
"but i will have died." my hands are shaking. i am trying really hard to stay calm.
you push your hands through your hair again. "i really have to go. i will have this discussion with the next version of you, though. it is like, something i am thinking about."
"but i don't get a next version," i say. i don't really have the language for this, because i haven't had 26 tries with you. i only have my memories: you, a week ago. drunk and telling me you loved me in my ear. you, kissing her anyway. you, months ago, throwing up on my birthday, whispering to me i ruin everything i touch, always, over and over. please don't ask. i can't ever fucking have that be you.
i run my finger along the rim of the mug. "i don't want to die in this one."
you seem baffled by this. "i get that but - time will reset, you'll be fine, you won't even remember we talked about this."
"but i know now." i stand up too. "i have to live the rest of this day knowing i could die. knowing i probably am going to."
"you could always die, to be fair."
i feel my hands get out of control. "earlier, you said i always say a different insult about myself. what if you're just going through different parallel universes and those are all just different - but real - versions of myself? what if you're not in a time loop, you're in a fucking universe loop?"
"if it helps, i've wondered this too. also, you're hot in all of them. if that helps."
i point at you. "no flirting. i'm trying to figure out if i die today."
"who's flirting?" you catch my wild hands and give me that long, perfect smile. like we're in this together. "i won't let ya die." you check your watch and sigh again. "well. maybe not this time."
i grit my teeth. you are so not making quips at me while i try to explain the existential dread i'm having. "does the time loop reset if i fucking kill you?"
"honestly i don't know how long it continues after i die, because i just wake up. it could be that the loop goes until the explosion for everyone, and we're all in the loop, or it could be that when i die, the loop restarts. when i die i wake up, is all."
i pull away from you and stalk into the kitchen and start doing all 3 of my dishes. "okay, first, you know i was joking. and secondly, this is exactly my point. you don't know if this is just a parallel universe. maybe in the ones where you died, the explosion happened and nobody reset and it's just you travelling." i have to stop and push the heel of my palm into my eyeball. "... how often have you died?"
i look at you. you look at me. you give me this very sad, halfway smile and a little what can ya do shrug. something in that action seems so old and weary that i want to burst into tears.
"i have to go," you say. "really. for real. there's this family of five i save from getting into a car crash. and i know it's like oh but we're all gonna die in the explosion anyway, what's the point. and..." you shrug again. "it matters to me, is all. at least i saved them for now. at least i saved anything."
you pad over to me and wrap me in a tight hug. you always seem so tall against me. i feel your cheek rest against the top of my head for a moment. for a second, it's just us, and the space is warm, and my heart is a little broken hare.
you leave me there, and i stand in my stupid badly lit kitchen with my stupid mugs. i think about you. i start texting my mom that she needs to get out of the city, but it feels pointless.
i don't know what to do. tomorrow is the same day for you. but i have to prepare to die in my today.
#warm up#prose#i just realized that there's a horror film in there about being someone NOT in a loop.#if i wanted to make it longer i'd have them come back like SUPER battered and hellish.#on round like 999#like halfway through lunch like - YOU . I LOVE U . IM SORRY . I RUINED IT BC I LOVE U CANT U SEE THAT#but like. yeah man what happens when someone else in control of ur destiny#what happens to all the versions of u that DO die...#i also wanted a pre-redemption time looper - this person#(who in my brain is they/them)#is absolutelyyyyyy toying with the narrator bc the time looper is caught up in like#an emo angsty '' i can't have what i want bc i ruin things'' self harm spiral#and like literally the way out of that spiral is to TRY bud.#but this is a person pre-redemption. still kind of an ass. still not really listening to her#still a little bit ignoring that they kissed someone 3 days ago#still KNOWS she likes them and DOES like her back. but is just too chickenshit still.#we're talkin that person we've ALL dated that's like ''i can't be with u anymore bc i am Too Broken and I Can't Stand Hurting U"#... i imagine they grow up tho. eventually.
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surprise it's yuri!!!in 2024
#my art#yuri on ice#yuri!!! on ice#yoi#fanart#katsuki yuuri#victor nikiforov#victuuri#yoi fanart#this was the secret 4th thing that lost the poll jdsfgsdfjj#id been thinking about doing a tribute since getting that one ask but i didn't anticipate how Into it i would get once i started#the way i flew through this piece .. just over 1 day??? insane#yuri is /that/ ingrained in my muscle memory#I was looking at refs and ?? id forgotten how wild this show was#we just got all of that?? a pole dance a proposal a kiss a pair skate....and it was ALL canon? incredible#AND YEAH UNPROMPTED HISTORY MAKER PLAYS IN MY YT MIX#dean fujioka jumpscare#also looking back at my old yoi pieces was so wild. that ws really 8 years ago huh.#little bit of an ego boost looking at how far ive come#but also im just grateful idk sry 2 b sappy on main#i hope 16 year old me is happy that i did this bc im happy i did this#edit bc i forgot a bunch of white outline i am a fraud
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this was just an excuse for me to draw XS shirt jayce x shampoo ad viktor
#arcane#jayvik#jayce talis#viktor arcane#artovna#jayce in that slutty little shirt oh my god im gonna throw up#okay ive extracted all my jayvik feels now#who am I kidding they’re gonna come back full force
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photo study
#jayvik#arcane#jayce talis#viktor#league of legends#aries stuff#GOOOOOOOODDDDDDDDDDDD I AM SO BACK IN THE ARCANE AND JAYCE MIND TRENCHES HELP MEEEEE#me: disappears for 2 years and comes back with the same fixation on jayce but 10x worse
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Every day is harder, sanity seems farther
#Caption is lyrics from Murphy's Law by Honey Revenge! Which is a song that really makes me think of Stanley </3#And thinking about Stanley makes me want to chew on concrete 👍👍#this techncially being a frame I'd use in a Stan annimatic im working on of said song but I thought it'd make a neat piece on its own#also hopefully I'll come back and clean this up later but I am terrible at finishing paintings soooo#gravity falls#stanley pines#grunkle stan#young stanley pines#GF fanart#fan art#fanart#digital art#artists on tumblr#my art
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I have finally watched naruto at the tender age of 25
#naruto#naruto fanart#naruto uzumaki#sasuke uchiha#thats it am only tagging those two and maybe the ships implied bc on god three more names??? exhausting#hashimada#thats it folks come back later and see if i posted something else#posts that prove i am alive#fanart#doodles
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dear ed, I love everything about you.
#THE TEASER#I AM NOT OKAY#AHHHH#I was so nervous today that I had to draw something to calm my nerves#THEY'RE COMING BACK TO ME!!#i do not know why ed is wearing buttons shirt in that oen promo pic but i liek the vibe#ofmd#ofmd 2#our flag means death#our flag emans death season 2#ofmd fanart#ofmd s2 fanart#our flag means death fanart#stede bonnet#ed teach#gentlebeard#gentlebeard fanart#my art#digital art
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#ice ice baby#polls#pls rb i want a good sample size#we can't ALL die of scurvy it's not mathematically possible! someone has to succumb to exposure!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#also i could have included sooooo many more medical ailments i am being restrained#it could be its own separate poll#anyway so many of these are me and i would love to die of some horrible disease but i would fall into a crevasse#i do not look where i walk and there have been multiple occasions in my life where i have unintentionally climbed into a ravine & got stuck#one of which i had to us tree roots to climb up a rock face and i should have fallen and died#the other option was getting washed away by the tide lmao#and i was too embarrassed to call my boss for help#hi andrea can you send a boat to come get me i'm stuck at the bottom of hole in the wall and can't get back up#greatest (s)hits
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So, just curious how many writers and creators will have to be forcibly outed by relentless harassment before we acknowledge that "This queer characters was written by a cishet person and that's why they're bad" is not good criticism.
#yes i'm just going to come out and say it i'm talking about sera#not exclusively but i am talking about her#'but her writer actually iS A--' you don't know that! it doesn't matter! and i don't care!#just say that you do not like the character.#people will reblog posts about the latest actor or YA author or whatever getting forced out of the closet and be like#'wow. :( that's terrible.'#and then GO RIGHT BACK TO DOING IT#when are we going to learn#when are we going to stop doing this BEFORE somebody is forcibly outed#because in practical terms#that means you have to be okay with queer characters being written by straight people.#you have to stop weaponizing that against writers you don't like.#you have to be willing to critique the writing on its own merits#without using the writer's (assumed) identity to prop up your arguments#that's how it works#but who wants to actually change the way they talk about media#when tearing apart people's identities for clout is far more entertaining.#gwaren exports#fandom problems#fandom critical
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queen of diamonds, upright + reversed 💎
I've redone this like eighty times, I have to just be done with it now and stop staring at all my mistakes oh no 🫠
#art#twisted wonderland#twisted wonderland spoilers#twisted wonderland episode 7 spoilers#twisted wonderland book 7 spoilers#twisted wonderland episode 7 part 8 spoilers#twisted wonderland book 7 part 8 spoilers#coming in well after the fact but that's what happens when the art doesn't cooperate#and i just HAD to draw something for vil's ob (re-ob?) because i loved it so much#legit put my hand over my mouth and went “oh!” when i realized what was happening#i thought it was just going to be an idia thing because. y'know. closing out his character arc from episode 6 and all#so this was like. oh! oh we're going to get ALL the inky boys!!!!!#i wonder if this is why we got a malleus flashback so early...#not to mention everyone's dreams?!#i am braced for 90% of the dreams to be kind of jokey/inconsequential because we have SO many characters to get through#and most of the time will probably be spent on our lads (literally) dropkicking their emotional problems#but i am excited to see everyone regardless!#and also kind of terrified! what on EARTH will floyd be dreaming about. do i want to know.#i do but do i want to.#man. they're probably not going to get back to it but i do wonder what silver's dream was#what was he doing when he was like 'wait a minute' and noped right out of there#lilia: here silver i made dinner :)#silver: oh boy this looks great! ...YOU'RE NOT MY REAL DAD#ouuuagh i'm still deep in the blotsauce guys and i'm loving it#come make snowangels in the ink with me it's great
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cold
#twisted wonderland#my art#and here i am. semi back w twst after 2 years (2 years??!!!)#idk got the sudden urge to read a bunch of twst fics and here we r... agn#anyways adeuyuu my loves <3333333333 omg how i missed this lil silly trio (quartet??? w grim??) saurrrr much#ace is surprisingly a gentleman when it comes 2 things like this and deuce is jst naturally sweet
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bonus: the shoes in question
Ncuti Gatwa in Behind the Scnes: Empire of Death
#doctor who#dwedit#doctorwhoedit#ncuti gatwa#river song#otp: twenty four years#*mine#THIS MADE ME CRAZY !!!!!!#RIVERS SHOES sob#the way ncuti loves river so much he's mentioned her in interviews so many times already <333#am i clowning that she's coming back?? maybe!!
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quick itfs sketch page
#my art#jujutsu kaisen#jjk#yuji itadori#megumi fushiguro#itafushi#fushiita#jjk fanart#jujutsu kaisen fanart#yuuji#megumi#fr some reason it's rare fr me to b happy with monochrome pieces so i am combatting tht general dislike by making it itfs#harder 2 dislike smth when it's a bunch of sketches of my ship kissing#oh ya threw in some good ol Corner Angst also bc i ended up not wanting 2 draw a third kiss dsfhjshdsdfjg#doing this got me thinking about tht one itfs piece i did back in april#captioned smth smth 'im on an itafushi kick'#n how that was like. the piece that opened the floodgates n made me realize how actually insane i am abt them#before it was just a casual Yeah This Ship Is Cute ill draw for it when the mood strikes#then after doing tht draws i ws like wait a minute whats happening to me#now here i am 5 months later completely emotionally dependent on these 2 traumatized 15 year olds#anyway this sheet is kind of an homage 2 the other one :'> how far ive come. how far theyve come. they make me ill every waking hour
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Just bros being bros
#life is kicking my ass right now so i havent posted in a while#i had a ton of exams and finals are coming up which is stressing me out#but the dead boys!!!!#look at them#look at them with your eyeballs#dead boy detectives#dbda#renew dead boy detectives#charles rowland#edwin payne#payneland#savedeadboydetectives#dbda fanart#i tried to make edwin look like he is holding back laughter because thats how I interpreted his expression#i am really happy with how charles turned out#it seems i finally got the hang of drawing him#dextheartist
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More caitvi for the soul (art tag if you wanna see more arcane!)
Check out my patreon for my sketchbook!
#critdraws#caitvi#arcane#piltover's finest#arcane caitvi#arcane caitlyn#arcane vi#art#caitlyn kiramman#violet kiramman#garden of ozymandius#arcane spoilers#sketchbook#artists on tumblr#where am i#how did i get here#anyways i have a new hyperfixation and their names are caitlyn and vi and its a special hell im in#still gonna draw zelda im just also gonna have these guys lurking in the back of my brain twenty fout seven#arcane fanart#vi arcane#caitlyn arcane#thinking about writing a post canon fic#its about ekko trying to plant trees in zaun and recruiting vi to help#while caitlyn panics over the energy crisis hextech and shimmer left a vacuum of#truly the most pretentious name i can come up with (its PERFECT)
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