#bpd is borderline personality disorder. CPTSD is complex post traumatic stress disorder ..

[spookietrex]

[chronicsymptomsyndrome]

This image changed my life so I need more people to see it

I knew people with did before coming across this, and still I never in a million billion years would have guessed or imagined I might have it too.

I had figured out I’m autistic which explained a lot, but I was still constantly feeling broken and out of place in autistic spaces. I was still constantly feeling like I was having a way harder time than other late-diagnosed autistics.

Until I found this image and felt so attacked by almost every single symptom listed. I stared at it for hours. I stayed up for two days straight, just researching. I had to look up a lot of the included words and terms. But every time I did it was “oh my god that’s not normal? there’s a word for that??”

As a result I’ve been able to get help and accommodate things I didn’t even know were issues. Now that I understand that I’m plural, autistic accommodations work better. Adhd accommodations work better. Systems and routines in my life are easier to optimize. I’ve started learning who tf I am and for the first time. I started learning how to have values and goals and how to want things. I know that sounds weird but, well, did is in fact pretty weird.

Anyway this image isn’t mine and I’ve had it saved on my laptop for years so I’m not sure where it came from, but its one of the most empowering things thats ever happened to me tbh. thank you to whoever made it.

[planesofdelusion]

listen guys. supporting your partner when they're going through something hard and being emotionally vulnerable with you is not necessarily emotional labor. emotional labor entails an inherent imbalance and lack of cooperation. its one thing if your partner is consistently relying on you to do this for them and shuts you out when you try to rely on them, but a lot of people in supposedly healthy relationships are claiming that they don't have to be there for their partners because that's emotional labor and I need them to know that they're the ones who are being toxic

[lip-gallaghers-cigarette]

I am about to infodump about why steven universe has BPD (and cptsd but thats canon)

later in the series and in SU future is when all the trauma has already happened and hes finally safe is when it manifests itself heavier. hes very people pleasing, putting other peoples needs ahead of himself, even if the other person is in the wrong, his emotions spiral so out of control that he becomes corrupted or goes "pink mode", he has identity issues (bc of constantly being told hes his mother) to the point where he cant tell if he is her, if he is himself, if hes a he, if hes a she, if hes a gem or if hes a human, good or evil, etc.

has bursts of intense anger and feelings of guilt, would go to any length to keep people in his life (connie for example) and when she rejected his proposal his symptoms spiraled out of control, which is typically what happens w bpd, its triggered, his symptoms started presenting when he hit 16 / SU future. as for the ptsd though thats actually canon, there is an episode where he visits the doctor and she doesnt directly call it ptsd but shes asking him about his trauma and how far back it stems from (and he begins recalling traumatic events starting all the way from the beginning of the series to the middle of the series before connies mom interrupts him and tells him that he p much has c-ptsd) and steven starts having intense flashbacks and then falls into an episode when he is reminded of connie rejecting his proposal, his body starts physically reacting to it as if its happening again. (which by the way the proposal was very impulsive and spontaneous and mainly based in fear of abandonment, and solidified when garnet agreed. very bpd like.)

he views small issues as life threatening, which is seen in ptsd and bpd. hes been in a constant state of trauma since childhood, never knew his mom and constantly i n peril fighting monsters he doesnt even know the origin of protecting himself from a battle his mother forced him into, bpd and ptsd are inherently traumagenic. he changes himself and overextends himself to fit other people's perception of what he should be or to fit his own idea of perfection, hes terrified of being alone and will go to any lengths to keep his loved ones around him.

when people offer him support he pushes it away because he doesnt want to burden his loved ones with his problems or intense emotions or trauma. in fact, he bottles it up SO much that he falls into an episode where he starts fixing other peoples problems to distract himself from his own, as if fixing other people will in turn fix himself, which only makes it worse and worse until he explodes. he talks about how hes worthless, how hes a bad person, how he doesnt deserve his loved ones, and then becomes corrupted when the trauma become too much for him gem to handle anymore. (Him splitting on himself after bottling his feelings up for so long)

this was only soothed when his loved ones reminded him how much he was loved and cared for. he lacked a voice his whole life and once jasper taught him to fight and defend himself and he became all big and strong his personality changed completely and he ended up becoming aggressive in the same way jasper was and literally purposely and v violently shattered her because of it (which is obviously very out of character for steven who has healing powers)

he also takes control of and attempts to shatter white diamond when he has trauma flashbacks to her almost killing him despite working through those issues previous

he has a "the grass is greener on the other side" mindset

He has bouts of uncontrollable rage because he has no form of grasp of his emotions due to alienating them.

He creates narratives sticks to them then he is unable to change these thought processes.

after shattering jasper he has an intense panic attack, thinking he is a violent killer or bad person, his guilt spirals and he makes a very desperate and emotional attempt at bringing her back.

he also takes control of and attempts to shatter white diamond when he has trauma flashbacks to her almost killing him despite working through those issues previous.

he has a "the grass is greener on the other side" mindset

He has bouts of uncontrollable rage because he has no form of grasp of his emotions due to alienating them.

He creates narratives sticks to them then he is unable to change these thought processes.

He creates a happily ever after in his mind and then when the outcome isn't perfect or what he imagined he freaks out.

he has frequent flashbacks to issues from his past and tends to block the thoughts out when they show up or dissociate himself from them, or, alternatively, he hyper-fixates on them so much that it takes over every aspect of his waking life. he also thinks in black and white a lot, with things being either all good or all bad, and becomes paranoid about other peoples intentions or the way they perceive him. he also is CONSTANTLY on edge expecting bad things to happen and prepares himself for danger that might not even come.

Also throwback to the time where he crashed the car and split on his dad when he realized his dad got the childhood he always wanted and that he was neglected, he quickly went from idealizing his dad to feeling spiteful toward him and putting their own lives in danger.

also the time when he realized all of his friends were moving on without him and subconsciously trapped them in a giant bubble that he had no control over

oh and the NIGHTMARES!!!

- sincerely, a Steven kinnie with BPD and C-PTSD. (Cross-Posted)

[pine-arten]

happy disability pride month. they have things wrong with them

feel free to ask questions abt my ocs <3 i would love to talk about them

[safe-haven-safe-place]

@jadementalhealthcoach

[h4untedg0d]

*in the voice of old Gregg* ive got The Funk

[thereforeispam]

I'd like to hear ADHD + OCD people's thoughts on this because I often think constantly about the acronyms of a neurodivergent diagnosis in relation to Autism. ASD refers to Autism Spectrum Disorder and is less pronounced as compared to solely 'Autism' or even 'Asbergers', both with a dauntingly capital 'A'. While these groups both share their struggles, there's something more casual in the language of an acronymed diagnosis, and perhaps a bit more culturally articulated. ADHD is abbreviated for Attention Deficet Hyperactive Disorder. Okay, clear cut. Understood. We know what attention means. What deficet means. What hyperactive and disorder means. As a neurotypical or allistic person, you at least have a base-line understanding of an ADHD person's disorder. It's a similar case with OCD - Obssesive Compulsive Disorder.

But Autism? What the hell does that mean? How else can you use Autism in a sentence other than to discuss or degrade the disorder? People with ADHD or OCD say they "have" ADHD or OCD, but Autism is something you "are". I am Autistic. On a linguistic level, this is another reason why Autism is so misunderstood because, unlike other disorders, we don't understand it by its symptoms or idiocyncrasises, so it becomes this terrifying, unpredictable monster in neurotypical minds.

What is Autism? What can it be?

[scenessystem]

Ppl who say because CPTSD is actually similar to BPD therefore everyone with CPTSD are actually borderline and then proceed to call ppl with BPD inherently abusive....instead of realizing you're calling a huge amount of childhood trauma survivors inherently abusive. And that maybe these diagnostic criteria are fucked and ppl need compassion.

(they are also said that real trauma/CPTSD only come from war)

[spookietrex]

I'm so thankful that my therapist encourages me to write letters to my abusers, even if I'll never send them.

[chronicsymptomsyndrome]

growing up undiagnosed is complex trauma growing up undiagnosed is complex trauma growing up undiagnosed is complex trauma growing up undiagnosed is complex trauma growing up undiagnosed is complex trauma growing up undiagnosed is complex trauma growing up undiagnosed is complex trauma growing up undiagnosed is complex trauma growing up undiagnosed is complex trauma growing up undiagnosed is complex trauma growing up undiagnosed is complex trauma growing up undiagnosed is complex trauma growing up undiagnosed is complex trauma

[roryknightwrites]

Aventurine Is BPD Coded- Some Thoughts

Ahhh welcome back everybody to another installment of 'Rory writes a ridiculously long essay nobody asked for to shine light on characters who exhibit symptoms of borderline personality disorder so that we can learn to recognize symptoms portrayed in media that aren't just 'crazy manipulative abusive ex' and start to treat the disorder with a shred of compassion' !!

A good chunk of you follow me because of my essay I wrote on Reo Mikage from Blue Lock, my beautiful borderline princess, and I am PLEASED to announce that my essay is now the first result when you search 'Reo Mikage BPD' on Google, AND he has since been added to the BPD character database !! Saving the world one baddie at a time, no need to thank me B)

Today, I want to write something out that I've been dying to share. I think Aventurine can be read as a BPD coded character, and I think he would be able to cop a diagnosis should he go see a therapist (which we all know he CLEARLY has not done). I've been puttering around posting this because I've been spending so long on a full, all encompassing analysis of this sick blonde man, but I want to take a quick break and kick my feet over BPD Aventurine, so I invite you to come kick your feet with me!

Some context before I start:

1.) Borderline representation is extremely important to me. I've got the BPD / CPTSD combo meal, so I'm having TWICE the fun !! But seriously though, it's not easy being viewed as crazy and 'bad' all the time. Trauma disorders are rough enough as it is just to live with / overcome, but it's worse when there are books, forums, blogs, shows, ect. dedicated to hating you and talking about how evil you are. So, I get really excited when I spy BPD-coded characters (especially if they're likable people and not just ghoulish irredeemable villains or manic pixie dream girl characters). Fans, characters, and even Aventurine himself refer to him as 'crazy' 'insane' 'unstable' which only further rang my BPD bells because he's not crazy; he's just traumatized!

2.) I’m not a psych, so I obviously can’t diagnose real people, and don’t use any of this to diagnose yourself (I don't need the scandal!) I do, however, have a masters degree in English and structured the basis of my education and published my thesis on mental health, cluster B personality disorders specifically, so I read and research a LOT. I’m confident enough in my knowledge to diagnose anime characters (lol).

3.) If you're somebody who has a weird hangup about borderlines, feel free to either not read this, or do read it and soak up some useful information! Regardless, I know Aventurine fans can have some really wild takes (/neg) , so believe what you want at the end of the day! This is just my interpretation of what's festering in that sad brain of his. You can disagree all you want to, but what we're not going to do is spread hateful stereotypes or perpetuate negative stigmas about BPD! That's cornball behavior and I will call you out for it ^-^

CW for discussion of death, suicide, self injury, and identity disturbances

Anyways, if you ask me, Aventurine has a case of Beautiful Princess Disorder, and I'd like to explain why <3 So, buckle up! This will be another long one.

First, let me define BPD: it's a personality disorder characterized by a long-standing pattern of instability in mood, interpersonal relationships, and self-image. Though it's coined as a 'personality disorder', I urge you to look at it as a trauma disorder. People most often develop it when they are repeatedly traumatized during their formative years. It actually overlaps a TON with complex post traumatic stress disorder, which is why a lot of us baddies end up with both! (On that note, you could definitely view Aventurine as CPTSD-coded as well! I'm a stinky kinnie so I'll just say he's both <3) I won't preach too much on why it's so necessary to treat borderline as a traumatic stress disorder (since hopefully I'll be focusing my own personal academic research on that and I could yap for HOURS about it lol).

But when we look at BPD properly, it's evident that the basis of this disorder is that these people didn't have the opportunity to learn and foster proper emotional reactions. Because of the recurring traumatic events, sections of borderline's brains are underdeveloped as a result. They have a smaller amygdala and they have reduced volume in the prefrontal cortex, as well as other differences in brain development. I've heard it described as 'you were forced to learn some behaviors that helped you survive at one point in your life (for example, maybe fervent efforts to avoid abandonment, unstable emotional reactions, self harming tendencies, lying, mirroring, etc.,) but now you need to unlearn them, because they’re no longer helping you.'  They're trauma responses.

Aventurine shows us a perfect example of the kind of shit that would make someone develop BPD: dude grew up in extreme poverty, was constantly told he was special and he was supposed to bring good luck, watched his entire family and race die in front of him when he was literally still just a kid, was kidnapped and sold into slavery, was forced to murder roughly 34 people while everybody watched him like it was a game, probably went through several other fucked up things while he was enslaved, and then killed his slave owner and was promptly sentenced to death for it. That's...a whole lot of ridiculous trauma that would severely impact somebody's ability to mentally grow and develop correctly. The bulk of his childhood/adolescence was spent with no safety, no security, overwhelming guilt, constant fight or flight reactions, learning how to take on other personas to avoid violence or mistreatment – you get the point. He did not have a normal life and it is absolutely probable that he would develop a trauma disorder from the shit he's been through.

So then, what behaviors/signs does somebody need to exhibit to receive a Borderline diagnosis? The 9 diagnostic criteria for BPD are as follows:

1. Fear of abandonment

2. Unstable or changing relationships

3. Unstable self-image; struggles with identity or sense of self

4. Impulsive or self-damaging behaviors

5. Suicidal behavior or self-injury

6. Varied or random mood swings

7. Constant feelings of worthlessness or sadness

8. Problems with anger, including frequent loss of temper or physical fights

9. Stress-related paranoia or loss of contact with reality

As with my last post, I'm going to organize this based on the 5 immediate traits I think Aventurine exhibits most (you only need 5 out of 9 to receive a diagnosis, so let me cut to the chase and stop wasting your time w my yapping).

Fear of Abandonment:

Aventurine has a habit of wanting relationships and then pushing them away once they get too close. He also clearly has trauma associated with losing people prematurely.

First of all, let's look at Aventurine's tendency to view relationships as transactional. With the expectation that a friendship, partnership – whatever –  is mutually beneficial, that generally implies both parties will leave satisfied once the 'transaction' is complete. That’s his parting line in the game, actually! “Satisfied with our transaction, I trust?” 

That being said, he's already prepared for people to leave when they're done getting what they want from him. In one trailer (and the game) he refers to himself as "another cog in the machine known as the strategic investment department" and then says, "Your humble servant aventurine at your disposal [...] I can also play the role of ‘friend’ – if needed; Go ahead, use me as you wish, even stab me in the back if you see fit."

This is a very strange thing to say upon first meeting someone LMAO. He's speaking of himself like he's an object, rather than a person. Before the other party even says anything, he's basically saying 'hey btw if you end up disappointing me in some way, i'm already prepared for it!' Establishing relationships with the assumption that the other person will betray you/abandon you/hurt you in some way? Borderline behavior. God forbid somebody does try to break down one of these walls, we'll see Aventurine's second habit to avoid abandonment: pushing people away.

Something people don't necessarily consider is that ‘efforts to avoid abandonment’ doesn't always mean the person is on their knees begging you to not to leave them. It can manifest as someone being very flighty and purposefully cutting ties randomly/pushing people away from them so that nobody is able to abandon them. If you leave first, they can’t leave you, right? This is a very common behavior for borderlines to avoid the pain that comes with being abandoned.

The most notable moment of this, in my opinion, is when Aventurine tries to gaslight himself into thinking that Ratio really did stab him in the back during their ploy against Sunday. As we know, their fighting, bickering, and Ratio's 'betrayal' were all part of Aventurine's plan. When they leave Sunday's office, Ratio immediately asks if he's okay and if he needs help, and Aventurine is very dismissive/a little rude in his response. Ratio is confused because Aventurine is talking as if he wasn't the one who MADE this plan and TOLD Ratio what to do:

Aventurine is basically saying, "Hey babe this is not in the script we talked about! Let's stay on track, remember? You hate me, you betrayed me, and now you're leaving me!" And Ratio is like "Yeah okay but are you good? Because you don't seem good,” but Aventurine's heels are so far in the dirt at this point that he is NOT budging at all. When he's in the Trauma Maze, Future Aventurine grills him on this moment:

I get why this part confused some people; why would Aventurine think this when the plan was his idea in the first place? Because, he subconsciously doesn't want to get too attached to the idea that Ratio might ACTUALLY care about him or want to help him. He's forcing himself to think "no, that's not what he was doing, he was planning on actually ratting me out all along, he was only asking about my wellbeing to get in my head."

However, I think it's evident that Aventurine wants relationships/attention just as much as everybody else does, he just won't let himself have it. To further this idea, I think the lyrics to White Night (the Penacony trailer theme song) are worth looking at (these specifically):

I don't wanna be alone tonightOh, lead me with your altered signThere's no one else left for me to loseHeadin' to the other side, other side

I don't wanna be alone tonightI'll bring you to my best disguise'Cause you don't need, don't need to know the truthLet me rave forever in your life

The song is obviously about Aventurine when you look at the lyrics, but these lines in particular just further my point that this man does NOT like the fact that he's alone. He wants relationships, he wants closeness, but he rejects it at the same time out of fear that he might lose somebody prematurely again and doesn't want to experience being abandoned or being rejected for his personality (his real one or his fake one), which leads me to...

Unstable Self-Image; Struggles With Identity or Sense of Self:

The shift from Kakavasha to Aventurine screwed this guy up REAL bad. A MASSIVE part of Aventurine's character, in my opinion, is his struggle with his identity/sense of self. I mean, he literally had to kill off who he used to be in order to live how he's living now, and he didn't have much of a choice in the matter. Jade sums it up pretty well when Aventurine is sat before her on trial: 

Aventurine joining the IPC comes with the price of...well, becoming 'Aventurine'. Since I'm clocking him with a BPD diagnosis, the identity disturbance would have probably happened before this moment, and I think it did. I'll bet it started festering after that first massive traumatic event where he watched his family die and tried to rationalize how that was possible with his 'good luck' (since that was really the only consistent idea he had about himself), and it probably only got worse when he became fixated on the fact that whoever tf he is, he's only worth 60 copper coins (did the math – that's about $3). That's gotta cause some massive identity issues. He's coined as this ‘good luck charm’, this ‘blessed child’, a ‘beacon of hope for the Avgins’, and somehow, he ended up in the absolute worst situation possible while simultaneously dooming all of the Avgins (obviously not his fault, but he thinks it's his fault).

When Jade tells him to pick a new identity, ironically he picks one that is everything he probably grew to hate after his childhood/adolescence.

Associating with the wealthy? The rich were the people who paid to brand him and enslave him. The IPC? Promised to help the Avgins but disappeared when the Katicans invaded, then came back and kidnapped him to sell him as a slave. Now he's both wealthy and a part of the IPC, and you have to wonder how he truly feels about it. We'll look into that more later. Regardless, he's not really 'free' now, even if he isn't technically owned by a master anymore. He's chained to the IPC because this is life now; this is his identity. Where else would he even go? What else would he do? (Die, perhaps?) It's not like he can go home, or go live a peaceful life out on the countryside somewhere. He made 'Aventurine' his entire life and his entire personality. On that note, I really like this quote from his third character story:

“The aventurine, that symbol of power and of the future, is about to be officially handed to him — Yet it would have no more allure or value in his eyes as soon he obtains it, even though he had sought it by putting his life on the line.

He returns to his office in a daze. The aventurine stone emits a peculiar glow on his desk, seemingly congratulating and mocking him at the same time."Was luck truly on your side when you wrestled with fate?"”

Did he really luck out with this one? Comparatively, of course, this is better than his life as a slave, but he essentially just traded his rusted chains for golden ones. Becoming Aventurine might wind up bringing him a lot more pain than it was worth. 

Also, the outfit he chose? Covered in gold, fur, and jewels, all materials that somebody who knows nothing about being rich would assume rich people wear in excess. It's evident in his tacky taste (sorry honey I love you so much but the hat is just crazy work you look like a pimp) that he doesn't know anything about how to dress himself. And I bully him for being tacky but it makes sense! He dresses exactly how you'd think an out-of-touch billionaire would dress. Back to his sense of identity: it's very important to establish that Aventurine feels guilty about taking on this persona! That's all 'Aventurine' is: a persona. If he were to die tomorrow, the IPC would dust off that stone and give it to another bozo who would end up being the next 'Aventurine'.

While he didn't initially develop this personality subconsciously and it was a 'choice' to start playing this role (not that he had a plethora of alternative options), the perpetuation is damaging him mentally. He does a good job of keeping up the act, obviously. This theme that his entire personality is just one big act is overarching through the entire Penacony quest, but there's one moment in particular I really liked: when Sparkle is being a jerk and he has this offhand comment about how he's so frivolous, vain, and flashy, and how he'd hate to live anywhere where it rained since his outfit is too expensive to get wet.

Then, we have this interaction in the maze: Future Aventurine brings up the memory of him and his big sister playing dead, floating in bloody water to avoid being killed by the Katicans when they attacked. He mentions that it was his father's shirt, the last one his father left behind before dying, and that it was ruined. Aventurine says it wasn't ruined, and he's always kept it. (I wonder if that's the shirt he wore during his time enslaved?) Future Aventurine grills him and asks ‘why keep it? This new person that you are would never wear something so dirty and old. 'Aventurine' wouldn't want that old rag, it's not worth any money. 'Aventurine' would never splash around in murky water like that; he wouldn't need to.’ Nobody is hunting him, now he's the hunter. Future Aventurine makes the snide comment that he bets Aventurine wouldn't even dare to go outside in the rain, let alone do any of the things Kakavasha had to do, since he's so much more elite now. Aventurine, clearly hurt by the implication, says that even after all this time, he's never changed.

Of course, he hasn't. Deep down, no matter how much he tries to trick himself and everybody around him, he's still the same scared, traumatized boy he always has been. His future self chastises him for having an inferiority complex and mentions that with every gamble he makes, he has his left hand shaking in fear behind his back.

But the constant pull to push Kakavasha down and keep up this act that 'Aventurine' is the real him obviously perpetuated the identity disturbance in him and made it a hundred times worse, to the point where (as Future Aventurine points out) the hole he's dug is basically impossible to climb out of.

Because of this, I interpret Aventurine to constantly be struggling with his identity, not knowing who really exists under all the masks he wears, not knowing if he or anybody around him will ever figure it out. I imagine he feels very empty and unfulfilled, since as I mentioned in the abandonment section, he doesn't want to be alone. But the higher he climbs on the social ladder, the further he can separate himself from other people. This is a classic issue borderlines face. We masquerade as something we think the people around us will like, someone WE might like, but it always ends up leaving us feeling more empty than before.

(This is just an added bonus to chew on, but I got stuck on this line when I played through Penacony:)

Do you think once he became Aventurine and got the money and the resources, he researched toys that normal kids play with? Fancy ones like building blocks, stuff that he would have never been exposed to as a kid? Obviously baby Kakavasha would not know wtf building toys looked like, and I'm sure teenage Kakavasha didn't have the opportunity to browse toy catalogs. But, he recognizes the toy even though he says he's never played with them before. Maybe he considered buying it but decided against it, since it doesn't fit his new persona. Kakavasha doesn't exist anymore, so there's no reason to nurture that part of him. Anyways, just wanted to hurt y'all a bit more. Speaking of hurting ourselves:

Impulsive or Self-Damaging Behaviors + Suicidal Behavior or Self Injury:

I'm combining these two because my points kept blending together, so bear with me lol.

Aventurine is known for being incredibly reckless and putting himself in the path of danger over and over again. When discussing how he tricked Sunday with the Cornerstones, Future Aventurine asks:

I want to exaggerate how crazy it is (i can say that i'm also a bpd baddie) that he smashed his Cornerstone. I don't think a Stoneheart has ever done that before. Their stone is what makes them a Stoneheart. Ratio mentions that without it, Aventurine would be back to being nobody. Remember: that's what makes him Aventurine. You know, the persona that required him to kill off his former identity? Their Cornerstones are more important than the Stonehearts’ lives, as stated multiple times. But that's just it: Aventurine doesn't GAF about his life. He doesn't mind putting his life on the line to pull off his plan because he has that deep-rooted desire to punish himself for everything he thinks was his fault. He gets called out for gambling with his life multiple times during Penacony, and while most of the time it's reduced to him just being crazy (cough, bpd) or just having a severe gambling problem. Extremely hot take, but I think he gambles literally as another way to hurt himself. I mean, look at what he says when you ask about his hobbies:

"There's no denying it, my fascination is with the game of chance... be it the exhilarating rush of triumph or the extensive emptiness that follows, both are worth savoring, time and time again."

Being impulsive and risky, betting his life over and over –  it makes him feel alive. He knows the end result will hurt, that he'll have to face that 'extensive emptiness' and the extreme guilt he feels regarding his continued good luck, but he does it anyway.

Speaking of betting, his bets are always 'all or nothing', seemingly every time. Future Aventurine calls him out on always risking everything with every gamble, asking:

"Do you truly believe the greater the risk, the greater the reward?"

Or...do you just not care what happens to you? He doesn't need to risk a lot; he's never lost. He could bet the lowest amount and still win every time, and make a lot of money depending on what everybody else bet. In fact, that would actually be a better strategy in gambling (poker/black jack specifically), because it would insinuate that he's not very confident with his hand and prompt the other players to bet higher, assuming that they'll beat him.

I imagine he gets a shred of dopamine betting everything he has knowing that he'll probably win, but hey, who knows? Then after winning and multiplying everything he has, I imagine that 'extensive emptiness' that he refers to is the feeling of 'oh good, more money. More status. More success. A reminder that no matter what I do, I'm stuck here in this role forever.'

For some reason, he also thinks that taking risks makes him appear more confident and secure. He makes a show of always keeping up the big bets and he boasts about how successful he is, while clutching his hand behind his back thinking 'oh god, is this it? will I finally lose this time?' He brings this up when he's speaking with himself and he says, 'How could a weak person take such daring risks?"

Oh, the delicious irony.

That raises the question, though: if he wants to die so badly, why hasn't he yet? It's not like he had an easy life. He fought very hard to stay alive, so why does he act so recklessly now?

I think at his core, he's scared. Dying is scary. His family is there in the afterlife; would they be disappointed in the person he’s become? At the same time, being alive is exhausting. The constant emotional pain this guy probably deals with every day? It's gotta be heavy.

His behaviors around suicide remind of a classic passively suicidal person with BPD: maybe they don't necessarily want to die, but they're tired. They don't have an active plan, but If something is going to kill them, they're not going to move out of the way.

So, carrying out his Penacony plan makes sense. Of course he’s not completely sure what will happen when Acheron kills him, but because he doesn’t have anything to live for, he’s fine gambling with his life. He makes a show of finally throwing out every last chip, too, no longer clutching them under the table in fear. He was fine with smashing the Aventurine stone because it's not like he was planning on using it after his final show; the little bit of power it had left in it was more than enough.

That being said, we do have to address this little number:

Aventurine attempted several times in Penacony, he admits it flat out. The writers even went sofar as to bold this line specifically! I think this does also go hand-in-hand with him being passively suicidal, since he's pretty sure he'll live when he attempts in the dream, but he's gonna try it SEVERAL times just to be sure. Mentally healthy people wouldn't try it... once, Aventurine!

As if we needed more evidence that Aventurine constantly puts himself in danger, you know I HAVE to mention...the light cone:

n case you haven't read the description for this light cone, let me share it with you:

"You don't believe me?"He (Aventurine) provocatively looks at the man (Ratio) before him, then draws out a revolver, empties its cylinder, and leaves a single shot in the chamber.

"Seems like I'll need to get you up to speed on how I do things if our cooperation were to remain amicable."He pushes the gun into his opponent's hand, spins the cylinder, and points the barrel to his own chest.

He pulls the trigger repeatedly, and the smile on his face remains the same after three empty clicks."Life is a grand gamble, and I'll always be the final victor."

Now what the HELL is this? Mind you, this is the first time Ratio has met this man!!! Imagine you meet your new mission partner for the first time and he puts a revolver in your hand and fires it thrice, then leaves. WHO does that? (...a baddie, perhaps!)

I don't think it's a secret to anybody who has spent a reasonable amount of time around Aventurine that there's something off about him, and that there's a really deep sadness running through him. There's some instances where other characters mention his passive desire to die – A few quick examples I can think of:

The instance in Story IV with Opal:

"Maybe luck won't be on your side this time, and the bill for all your past good fortune will come due [...] But isn't that what you've been longing for?"

Opal implies Aventurine wants to fail on Penacony, which, as we've discussed, is an accurate assumption. Jade says something similar after Aventurine's stunt: when Topaz says the light in his stone went out, Jade replies by saying "he got what he wanted."

Also, I’d like to point out that Ratio must have been anticipating that Aventurine would do something rash, since he wrote that note (doctor's advice) long before he started grilling him after the meeting with Sunday.

It's also worth noting the nod to T.S Eliot's "The Waste Land" (a very long poem about life and death). You get the achievement Sibyl, What Do You Want? after playing through the past of Kakavasha's life, and once you defeat boss Aventurine, you get the achievement She Replied, I Want to Die. I don't think that one needs an explanation, but boy does it hurt! (There's other, smaller nods to him being suicidal, like the Waiting for Godot achievement – Google the story if you're unfamiliar. Not as relevant, but I must mention it bc it makes my english major brain go brrrrr)

Also, overspending/gambling/being loose with money is a very common vice for borderlines to indulge in and harm themselves with. It's also implied that he drinks a decent amount. I counted 6 bottles of SoulGlad in his hotel room just from the angles I could see, and he's shown to be passed out at the bar when Ratio goes to get him before they go on their little date-I mean, mission. Aventurine says 'he must have drank too much', and whether or not that was true is irrelevant since it was a believable enough claim that Ratio bought it.

Borderlines are (usually) self-destructive in some capacity, and while some very annoying people assume it's for attention, it's so much more common for it to be because our inner emotions are just so out of whack. Sometimes, matching the inner pain with outer pain is a way to cope. They might also do it to try and combat-

Constant Feelings of Worthlessness or Sadness:

Probably the most nagging, prevalent feeling Aventurine deals with is the constant feeling of worthlessness. One thing about this man? He hates himself. Like, really hates himself. Take a look at the missions during his maze in Penacony. This one is one of my favorites:

It doesn't get much more on-the-nose than him calling himself a selfish, useless loser. He gets stuck on that word, in particular. Loser.

Aventurine, at his core, views himself as a massive loser. Is that ironic because of how much he wins? Not really. Money and materials are just part of the Aventurine persona. He's 'rich' in stuff, but he's not rich in what he actually wants. I think it's obvious that if he had the option to quadruple his wealth or see his sister again just one more time, we all know what he'd be picking.

The only thing he wants is connection – connection with his mother, his father, his sister, anybody at this point – but he can't have it. His family has been dead for a long while, and as I discussed before, his fear of abandonment and his luck scare him away from forming any other relationships. 

This luck, this destiny to be blessed, leads him to reflect on his life a lot and wonder what the hell the point is. He treats himself like some sort of walking curse, because he's convinced that his luck is bound to hurt other people. Every time he wins, somebody else loses. The luck that keeps him safe destroys everybody else around him. As Future Aventurine puts it:

His luck is "built on the pain of someone" else. This perpetuates the constant feeling of guilt, which in turn, makes him feel worthless. Why is it him that's spared every time?

Then, right before you start his boss fight, Aventurine says,

"The architect's flawed stone, of no value at all."

Some people speculate he's talking to the MC when he says this, but I can't help but assume that he's referring to himself. Even if it was directed at the MC, so much of what Aventurine says in his bluffs and boasts are just digs at himself. He's sort of an expert at hating himself, and what do people who hate themselves do if not project? Especially when you consider the fact that aventurine is actually a really cheap, undesired stone. It's like $3 a caret and mostly only used to rip people off and pose as jade. I really don't think it's a coincidence that his character is based around a stone that is, essentially, worthless.

The way that Aventurine is also prone to giving people ridiculous amounts of money/gifts can be read as a frantic effort to keep relationships going and prevent people from leaving him (relating to my points on both his feelings of worthless and his fear of abandonment). He has a skewed view on relationships, since the only value that's ever been associated with him is monetary value and that of his 'luck', which in every context is spoken of as an asset to benefit people he cares about. His sister told him that his luck was 'the most precious wealth' of the Avgins and Jade sees him as an investment that can bring her more wealth because of his luck, but he views it as a massive burden that ends up wrecking everybody around him. So how does he prove to other people that someone as worthless as him should be allowed a seat at the table? Deep down, he thinks that he's still worth 60 red copper pieces, and he's desperate to show other people that he's worth more than that now – even though he doesn't believe it at his core. With all the money he wins now, he can throw it at people and say 'look, look how much money I'm worth now, you want me around because I can buy you anything you want, that's a useful quality in a friend!'

(I did use the 'seat at the table line' as a nod to what his slave master said to him when they were discussing his worth: "Don't forget your place, slave. You're not qualified to be at the table." Which is, painfully, what Aventurine says when you open up chests! He scoffs and says that "it's hardly enough for a seat at the table." :’) )

There is also, of course, Aventurine's overarching struggle with finding purpose in his life. We see a lot of his existentialism during his trauma maze, but at the end of his trauma maze, Future Aventurine finally stops ripping Aventurine a new one and is vulnerable for a second, saying he doesn't understand what he's ever done wrong to have suffered as much as he has.

Then, when he's in the Nihility and he's speaking to Acheron, making the decision on whether or not he even wants to keep going, he asks her:

As I said, he has this conversation with himself in the maze as well, but here he's actually being vulnerable and speaking to somebody else about it: what's the point in being alive if we're just born to suffer? If nothing else, this solidifies the emotional struggle that Aventurine is constantly having. I also think it furthers the idea that he has this nagging sort of emptiness inside of him which is another BPD trait: the feeling that you're empty at your core, and you're constantly trying to fill it with things (friends, money, substances, whatever) but nothing ever works. You worry if anything will ever make you feel 'whole' again, and pair with the the identity disturbance? You're left with a constant feeling of despair.

Other Points:

These are a few other random thoughts I have, inspired by in-game moments but I'm taking them for my own evil fiendish BPD narrative. Take them with a grain of salt.

I think the stigma he gets around 'being crazy' is really BPD-coded. Separate from the ridiculous discrimination he gets for being an Avgin where people assume he's a liar and wolf in sheep's clothing (which can this man catch a SINGLE break jfc), he also has this reputation of being crazy, insane, manipulative, cunning, and someone you want to avoid, which is more rooted in his reckless gambling habit and status with the IPC. Living with this reputation of being insane and unstable for...lowkey no reason at all? Very BPD coded. I think Aventurine leans into that stigma to keep people a certain distance away, but it also just ends up making him hate himself even more.

Also, his entire mantra is "all or nothing", which always rang my BPD bells as well. There's not a lot of gray area with him, which is a key trait in borderlines as we often display very black-and-white thought patterns.

In Conclusion:

I think Aventurine is a borderline princess <3

No but actually though, Aventurine is extremely smart, witty, funny, generous, and very kind-hearted, and he also happens to have a lot of BPD symptoms :^) I don't think it does any harm to view him as BPD-coded; in fact, I think it's great to associate positive, fan-favorite characters like this with BPD because it helps to humanize us. Borderlines are not violent, crazy maniacs, they're people who have been severely traumatized and developed some unhealthy habits because of it. They deserve love, respect, understanding, and communication, just as everybody else does.

If you actually made it this far, thank you for reading! I hope I was able to shed some light on Aventurine and his Symptoms. And, as I do in all of my BPD posts, here’s your reminder to kiss the borderline baddies in your life and tell them they’re important to you :^) Living with BPD is exhausting and I know I speak for all of us when I say that. We try so hard every day to stay positive and regulated, and though rewarding, it's exhausting and very hard work. Nothing makes us smile more than some recognition that we're trying our best !!

Till next time xoxo (and shout out to @roxirinart for helping me edit this monstrosity mwahhh mwah)

[spooky-salesman]

Fuck it mental illness La Squadra shallow dive.

The non normal Catagory (need to check the dsm 5 category really.)

Risotto - most likely CPTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Dissociation) . Jsut because he’s stoic doesn’t mean he dosent care about others. He’s literally just emotionally shut down from his childhood.

Illuso- NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) or BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder ) Selfcentered man who brings others down with him but has a crippling attachment to them that he can’t seem to eliminate.

Pesci- GAD ( Generalized Anxiety disorder.) Self explanatory.

Melone- HPD (Histrionic Personality Disorder) extremely sexual and shifts from shallow emotion to emotional. He’d also very exaggerated

Ghiaccio - IED. (Intermittent explosive disorder) Self explanatory. And lowkey Autisim but that’s just a Hc-

—-

Normalcy. (No mental illness. Generally normal)

Formaggio - tbh. Most issue this guy has is yelling to loud at the tv at the bar during a soccer (football) match.

Prosciutto- most issue he’d have is a smoking addiction. He gives me the vibes of tough love but also an enabler

Sorbet + Gelato - look normal enough. Said to be “crazy” or “thrill chasers” but some neurotypical people r like that as well.

[aacbloggingg]

hello and welcome to aacbloggingg, an emoji and AAC blog where i make emotes for peoples AACs and also talk about my AAC. i am a nineteen year old disabled system who uses an AAC when experiencing verbal shutdowns. my offical stance on everything is “i dont care” so dont ask about any discourse related topics.

interactions will come from @pandorablogz

name = pandora, biohazard, dozo, +more (i hoard names)

pronouns = he/it/kyu +other neos (i also hoard pronouns)

terms = masculine or neutral

about me = invisibly disabled 19 year old DID system who is a part time AAC¹ user. uses i/we pronouns interchangeably. BPD²/AVPD³, ASD⁴, pMDD⁵, GAD⁶/SAD⁷, CPTSD⁸/DID⁹ +more.

blogsona

dos ->

feel free to ask about my system

request anything youd like (i still may deny your request but i usually wont)

ask about my OCs (bug, vampz)

donts ->

do not send me gofundme links, i will not post them

do not request personal information from me outside of my system

sign offs ->

⭐️ -> syskid / EP, 12-14 ageslider

🎨 -> ANP / artist, 19

👽 -> autist / symptom holder, 19

1 = augmentative and alternative communication

2 = borderline personality disorder

3 = avoidant personality disorder

4 = autism spectrum disorder

5 = persistent major depressive disorder

6 = generalized anxiety disorder

7 = social anxiety disorder

8 = complex post traumatic stress disorder

9 = dissociative identity disorder

[scenessystem]

[wraithofmorhogg]

Hi. You mentioned studying psychology. Do you think that book Ciri could be a psychopath/sociopath?

No. Ciri is not a psychopath nor is she a sociopath. Ciri is a survivor of war/abuse/kidnapping/rape. She has CPTSD. That is to say she has complex post-traumatic stress.

Post traumatic stress is something that happened once. Complex means that it has happened over and over again.

Traumatic stress can actually change the brain’s chemistry and structure. It can do all sorts of nasty things to us until we get the help that we need to repair the damage done to the best of our ability. Now I'm not quite willing to go so far as to say BPD, but borderline personality disorder has been associated with childhood trauma and some researchers are actually trying to link CPTSD and BPD. Now BPD does not always mean trauma, but in Ciri's case I believe the two can be linked. So, here we have some symptoms which would fit Ciri.

An intense fear of abandonment, even going to extreme measures to avoid real or imagined separation or rejection. Feeling uncomfortable being alone. Experiencing intense fear or anger when feeling abandoned or neglected Ongoing feelings of emptiness. A pattern of unstable intense relationships, such as idealizing someone one moment and then suddenly believing the person doesn't care enough or is cruel Rapid changes in self-identity and self-image that include shifting goals and values, and seeing yourself as bad or as if you don't exist at all Impulsive and risky behavior, such as gambling, reckless driving, unsafe sex, spending sprees, binge eating or drug abuse Wide mood swings lasting from a few hours to a few days, which can include intense happiness, irritability, shame or anxiety Inappropriate, intense anger, such as frequently losing your temper, being sarcastic or bitter, or having physical fights