#berates him for the pain
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yknow we always only see boothill performing stunts/acting careless/being brash but what about a soft boothill. what about a boothill where he is afraid of the chaos he brings. what about a boothill in a playground holding a mother's baby after she had to take an important phone call, choosing the cowboy as the safest person who would be able to watch over her little kid. what about cold, hard metallic fingers wrapping around a tiny baby's wrist as the baby coos and reaches out for him, a scene oh so familiar to him. The cold metal shines in the golden afternoon light and the wires beneath his shell of a body can only think of danger, danger, danger, his system knowing just how easily he could crush the fragile bones of the child if he was too careless, too brutal, too rash
the child coos at him, and he can only pull his hand away, joints shaking and creaking, before he tugs the baby up into his chest, cold metal plates meeting soft skin, if only to make sure he can feel the baby's heart echo inside his hollow body with every beat. alive, unharmed, untainted by the violence that fuels boothill better than his own blood
#caw rambles#boothill#boothill hsr#seriously. im insane about him#the way he lost everything#even his own body#forced to live a life on the run full of violence and death#and when faced with the domesticity of a normal life#he is clueless#he had not learned how to be gentle yet when it had all been taken away#his hands grasp too hard#the baby cries#berates him for the pain#and boothill dies a little inside#knowing he wasn't built with the idea of gentleness#of normalcy#and he hands the baby back to the mother wordlessly#knowing it was the last time he would allow himself to hold#such a fragile life between his metal fingers#HI IM GOING INSANE???#its like. 5 hours until boothills release can u tell#sickening.#rambling#writing#?#bad writing
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i can hardly believe the bait and switch that elrond and the rings of power pulled on us this season. in the beginning, he is far too busy self-righteously blaming poor galadriel for falling for sauron's tricks. but then he puts on armour, lets his wild curls free, and transforms into a warrior-librarian covered in mud and blood, punching orcs in the face, and setting other orcs on fire. and i loved it.
#no because my main issue with rings of power is the way it writes women (it's soooo bad it's painful it's really steeped in some ugly stuff)#the harfoots are the only storyline that passes the bechdel test (and it is by far the worst storyline in the show so does it count??)#and the way galadriel is constantly belittled and lectured by elrond who is her junior in rank and age and wisdom in the lore is... a choic#(it feels very male showrunners wanting to 'humble' a female character to me and nothing to do with elrond and yeah i fucking hate it)#and because of the ragebait weirdos people who love the show are determined to be really super positive about it at all times#which i understand the compulsion (i do) but we do need room to speak in a thoughtful way about the show's painful gender bias#(one of the reason the kiss was really degrading is because it was so steeped in *gender stuff* as in elrond would never have kissed a man)#(and the kiss after a 1/2 a season of him berating her for the halbrand stuff ... yeah ... yeah ... yeah ... really uncomfortable man.... )#and poor elrond is a victim of this too because he's the vessel through which the male showrunners act out their unchecked sexism#but when they put aside those biases and let elrond be elrond the character really sings (obviously but y'now)#elrond#trop#the rings of power
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Hey could i make a request please. Terry X fem reader, her former abuser comes back into her life to torment her all over again and Terry buts them in their place and destroys them physically, mentally, financially and when it's all over they'll thank him.
Jerry and Terry.
A story of disproportionate revenge; Terry Silver x Fem!Reader in the background (with an appearance from John Kreese).
---
Jerry is a man with a common office job and the accidental assonance of their names never fails to amuse Terry.
Infuriate him some.
Jerry and Terry.
Well, Jeremy, in actuality, just another information in the long mosaic line up covering everything he discovered about this schmuck, as much personally as through his sources, not that it was tremendously difficult seeing as how none of these common civilians were ever too much of a mystery anyway, granting him immense satisfaction in the hunt nonetheless — but the punk’s name might as well be worm or cockroach, because that’s in effect what he was, leaning over Colorado Street, in Pasadena, a two hour drive from LA, the July summer air after midnight still hot, the asphalt seeming to let off steams of a searing, stifling sensation, the cool breeze blown in from the Arroyo barely reaching the isolated steel ledge secluded from the buzz of the traffic; the city long since planned to put to preventive nets over the bridge — Terry should know because he personally funded the project with a generous donation and it was hilarious how life had a weird way of falling into place and connecting in the most bizarre ways on a bridge of occasional suicides where your ex was standing, hands in pockets, staring down into the dark depths of the river below, no such net in sight just yet except for a couple of signs issuing a warming that it was dangerous to lean over the railings, nothing separating him from the flowing abyss below. Him and the Mayor shook hands on the business venture two years ago. The news even reported on it with all the adulation in the world. Terry’s picture was in the paper. He was all over the news — long enough to distract from all his other ventures. But, it was one of those urban landscaping deals that would dawn on the news and then take years, perhaps decades, to be actually realized. Meant that Jerry could jump — and there would be nothing to save him from doing so. No cameras installed for security measures just yet either. Maintenance. Terry knew, because this was Terry’s city.
Terry’s country and State.
Nobody in sight right at this moment.
Merely a narrow concrete path along the bridge for pedestrians.
Terry, the stranger, snug in his leather jacket, not minding the heat, pretending to be an innocent bypasser.
Truth of the matter was, he ruined this man’s life and he developed the progression of the slow decay all along the way with great interest and like a cat eagerly eying a moving red string, Terry’s effortlessly led him here, deliberately, right to this very place, this very spot, on this very night, on this very bridge and the guy never even realized he had no say in any of it or that none of it was an accident. Jeremy got let off of work. Accused of embezzlement. Embroidered in schemes. In debt. Reputation ruined. Social circle gone. All that jazz. All the classics. And Terry did it all. Weaved it all. And it culminated in this. Do a flip, he thought to himself, approaching the man under the headlights, leisurely, acting like someone who accidentally stumbled upon a scene he wasn’t supposed to stumble upon, en route to somewhere else, haunting the city, stopping in his tracks, behind a steel pillar, watching Jerry climb over the ledge; He could say something now. It would've been expected. A hastily thrown in 'Hey, you there! Stop!' or 'Hey, you! Don't do it! Lets talk, man! Life can be good, actually. It can be good when you're not crossing Terry Silver, that is.' Something faux-poignant. Something mean. Something mocking. Something distracting or even infuriating to bait the man into arguing rather than hurting himself. Anything, so long as it distracts and causes the man to hesitate and think twice, but it’s only once Jerry’s heel is slipping over the edge of the pipe he was perched up on does Terry act, allowing himself to smile from where he's standing, seamlessly, feeling his mouth twitch upward, watching the shadow disappear over the railing into the darkness of the night. The next day, there's a suicide report briefly on the news and you never even catch it in the whirlwind of all the other crime circulating in the media. Your asshole ex, identified by his wallet and the documentation found in his soaked interior pocket, fished out by the loading docks. Just another statistic.
-"So, what he’d do?"-
John asked him on one occasion when Terry told him of his plans.
-"Nothing much."- Terry slings his arm over his driver seat leisurely, chuckling. He didn't treat you as well as you deserved? Tried to occasional get in contact with you again and stay on, quote-unquote 'good terms'. What did that even mean? Good terms? Wasn't that enough to warrant execution? Terry thought it was. It was a crappy, mediocre relationship and nobody had to put their hands on you for Terry to be convinced that deserved payback. Not to mention --- the said entanglement wasted your time. Time that would've been better spent with him if you weren't busy wasting it with some Jerry. Revenge. Reason for revenge, right there. They were parked near Griffith Observatory, in the embrace of a forested path, all zig-zags and steep rocks, the skyline of the city visible from a nearby slope, offering them both a view and sufficient privacy to talk. -"I just want him to die."- Terry confess bluntly, nearly cackling as the words rolled off of his tongue, sensing something exciting coil around in his gut like so many butterflies, seeing no reason to hide these things from his Captain after everything they've been through together and John gives him a lopsided, paternal smile, halfway critical, halfway entertained, like he was about to throw in the talk.
-"Terry…"-
He clicks his tongue, shaking his head and Terry instantly protests.
Show mercy!? Why!? Since when were they the mercy-showing types!?
-"What? What!?"-
He finds himself whining slamming the palm of his hand against the backrest of the leather seats, feeling his own face furrow up. -"C’mon, Johnny!"- He sighs profoundly, rolling his eyes, annoyed and exasperated. This was some prime-time bullshit. -"Don’t you dare tell me that you never wanted anyone someone you loved loved before you to just, you know…"- He starts, trailing off, digging his teeth into his lower lip. Savoring the moment. -"Drop dead?"- He says it then, and it tastes so sweet, like caramel coated candy dipped in white powder. Terry knew all about Johnny nearly beating his beloveds Betsy's then-beau halfway to death on the parking lot of the Deli he worked in before the army. They were exactly the same, him and John Kreese. A Cobra doesn't tolerate competition. It's not in it's nature to. John says nothing. Almost as if contemplating that memory himself, looking off into the distance, pulling up the collar of his brown vest jacket on the passenger seat beside him, his face crinkling into a grim smile, not saying yes but not saying no either. Terry has the odd impulse to kick his feet up in the air in a flash of euphoria. -"We could always rough him up. Scare him. Hurt him, make him piss his pants and call it a day. I'm available for that."- John murmurs, the deep rumbling sound emanating from his throat recognized only as a suppressed chuckle. Terry grabs John by the shoulder and shakes him in excitement, halfway hugging him in joy. While kicking that Creature to a pulp did sound exciting it wasn't part of the plan. -"My man! Now we're talking! But, that would only martyr him!"- Terry lifts up his hands, engrossed in his own imagination. He felt more comfortable and content if this guy was just wiped out of existence altogether. Like, hit by a moving bus, perhaps. A guy that put his dick inside of you before being alive and well out there? Yeah. Unacceptable. -"No."- Terry says with a sense of looming doom. -"This is so final. There’s no coming back from it. And what’s best?"- He pauses slightly for dramatic timing, presenting the whole picture to John the way a storyteller would describe the synopsis of his newest magnum opus.
-"I’ll ensure he’ll do to himself."-
Six months into this special project and Terry never once put his hands on Jeremy. Could've. Itched to. But, he didn't. If Jerry deteriorated, it's because he ruined himself. With every drink, every cigarette and every sleepless, stressful night in tow. All Terry did was set events in motion and brought about the right environments for someone to start feeling profoundly unhappy.
-"I've put him through enough pain and now it's time to go to sleep."-
There can be only one, he almost halfway desires to add but he withholds at the last moment once he spots a shift on John's face --- that he didn't need any more convincing. Maybe it was an old habit --- an army habit --- but whenever Terry seriously wanted to end someone, he always came to Johnny first. To discuss the matter. Strategize. Get his greenlight from his Captain to go out into the field and terminate with extreme prejudice. That's how the hierarchy worked. Terry would do whatever he wanted anyway irregardless of John but he supposed he wanted to let him know. For old times sake. Reason why he invited him to meet here today. That and to gloat. -"Alright, Terry. If you say so."- John smiles that gruff smile of his, finally capitulating and Terry finally allows himself to breathe again after what seemed like an eternity of anticipation, letting himself be as jubilant as he wanted, turning the key in the ignition along with the steering wheel almost immediately, ready to get a move on, wasting not a second longer. There was a five star restaurant just down the road with their name on it. -"Of course I say so, Johnny! What I say is best!"- He exclaims, one hand on the wheel and another on the back of his John's neck, patting him triumphantly. Enough talk. Time to crack open the bottles before the big bang. You knew he was out with his oldest friend. You merely didn't know the context, is all. -"Reservations at five. Lets go grab that chow and celebrate!"- Terry practically shouts in euphoria, throwing a joyous glance at John, making a sharp U-turn. -"Ever ate a turkey stuffed with a chicken that's stuffed with a quail!?"- He snickers, knowing for a fact that Johnny would probably need everything in him not to roll his eyes at the option of orders, but regardless, he lived for treating his Captain to the finer things, just like he lived for removing each and every person from your past until nobody but him remains. Him, representing the future. -"I'd prefer plain good old bacon and some beer."- John mutters with a small, fox-like grin just like Terry knew he would, taking a relish in poking and prodding at him anyway. His Captain's wish is his command. They'd have so much to toast for today.
-"Done, baby!"-
Is all Terry says, laughing as he speeds away, down the woodland highway.
---
When you discover the news because he effectively tells you, deciding to control when and how the information reaches and that it might as well reach you from his own mouth, naturally, as expected, your mood turns gloomy. For days. Weeks. More time wasted and he despised it, deciding to immediately take you on a cruise of the Bahamas to distract you from it, but deciding tactically that you just had to ride it out. And you did. Week two on the deck of his yacht, eventually, slumped, looking out to the ocean, knees against your chest sitting on deck, you decide to speak. -"Terry, this will be such a weird thing to say."- You stutter, unsure of yourself and yet he's there, tracking your every movement and expression like a sonar radar. -"Maybe even meanspirited."- Will it now? Good. You were about to get whatever useless thing was still lodged in your system out of yourself. He's by your side, sitting beside you, looking at you intently, not wanting to miss a thing. -"But, I'm oddly glad I got out on time. That I met you."- You confess, holding back tears. Wasn't easy discovering that your ex was practically six figures in debt and wanted on several charges and that if you stayed with him, it would've reflected on you as well. Dragged you down with him. To the bottom of river Arroyo. That's what your pretty little head thought and Terry coos, massaging the edge of your scalp in gentle motions with his fingers, letting that beautiful brain below think whatever he wanted it to think. Oh, he loved you so. You were made for the greenest of pastures. For him. -"He would've destroyed his life as well as my own and I'm relieved the universe moved me out of the way when it did. That it brought me you. Thank you."- Ah. There it was. There were tears in your eyes flowing freely and you were thanking him, never even realizing you were unknowingly expressing gratitude that he effectively crapped all over your ex's life and led him to suicide. Stood by and watched while he did a triple Salto off of a bridge. The blood and the heat shoots down into his cock. How could it not? In any other situation he would've dragged Jerry's waterlogged swollen carcass fished out of the river at your feet and present it to you like a cat presents its owner a dead mouse. -"He was never bad towards me, exactly. But, he was never fully good either, you know? But, definitely not bad enough to deserve this."- Oh, Terry knew alright. It is just that he considered that your ex not being fully good towards you was a capital offense that found it's equivalent payback only in death. So, yeah. Punk deserved it.
Had it long time coming.
-"Is that fucked up and evil of me? To feel relieved I left on time? I feel so awful it's crazy! A man died!"-
A weak, nuisance man died, Terry wants to correct, but instead he settles into the act of collecting your tears with the tip of his fingers, letting none of them escape, feigning outrage, yet partially feeling said emotion in it's most genuine capacity; Jeremy died! Fuck sake, who cares! This guilt would evaporate and you'd find it fading overtime, because he'd be here to ensure it fades; there was almost nothing meaningfully positive for you to vindicate or romanticize and far too much crappy and mediocre to actually mourn or remember fondly. That was the good thing about measly, middle-of-the-road, middling, lukewarm individuals; too grey to be turned into saints and too grey to be turned into devils. The only thing one could do with them, whether one wanted to or not is to forget them. Where he could easily replace them and everyone else you ever trifled with, usurping their very vacancy and every emotion sent their way, be it good or bad. All of it. Only his. -"Fucked up!? Huh!? No way! It's not! Are you even listening to yourself!?"- He shakes his head vigorously, letting his disapproval grow visible, pulling you close, until the side of your body melts with his and you're effectively there, drying up your tears in his embrace, the open sea breeze against you. Terry grabs your face with both hands, making you look at him. -"You wanted a normal, stable life! Of course you did! Who wouldn't!?"- Terry explains, separating his gaze from you for but a second to point the tip of his nose out towards the blue expanse of the sunlit Atlantic.
#i literally envision the reader's / beloved's ex doesn't even have to be classically abusive or genuinely an awful individual in any sense#like someone beating on them berating them neglecting them or sexually abusing them for example#it's enough for them to be...you know...someone who once existed and their mere existence or some truly miniscule nothing they've done ---#some common human mistake or general romantic incompability (or hey even too much romantic compability because terry doesn't suffer rivals)#--- well it is reason enough for terry's extreme revenge#i mean what daniel larusso did wasn't anything heinous either and yet look what terry john and mike did to him at like age eighteen pshshh#you don't need to do much of anything for terry to want to ruin your life and put you through heaps of pain and suffering#his reasoning could simply be that he WANTS TO because he LIKES TO#terry silver#john kreese#tw; induced suicide#tw; manipulation#tw; gaslighting#tw; conditioning#terry silver x reader#terry silver x beloved
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Every time I see your bean comic, I laugh crazy (* ´>艸<)゛!! Does he make Zim bean dinner to secretly poison him? (dw Its an act of love /jk)
Oh he absolutely would. Its okay, they love each other.
Ehehehe, I'm glad you enjoy my awful bean art~
#invader zim#dib membrane#zadr#my art#dib is done being berated#also he just likes seeing zim in pain#dont blame me for zims outfit banana told me to draw him like this
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life's hard when you're soft you've got our love
#ts4#sims 4#the sims 4#s4#simblr#ts4 simblr#i love this song so much but i can't stop relating it to theo and his mom and it's making me ill#this picture very eerily resembles the 'inbred' cover do you see it.. i think it's the dead stares into the camera#anyways if i was taking family pictures of everyone else you know i had to include these fuckers too. sigh#not berating the kids of course. my babies i love them. notice how the one smiling is literally the worst person there..#that one elliott smith lyric that's like 'i wanna hurt him i wanna give him pain' yeah that's me right now to sarah#there is something gravely wrong with the hadley bloodline. let me post a family tree cause hadley and hadley-coy are different.. kind of..#oh god these tags make it seem like i'm alluding to.. yk.. for clarification I'M NOT!!! they're fucked up in a different way#oc: theodore#oc: alice#oc: benjamin#oc: peter#oc: sarah#equi/cholia: screenies
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everything you see ab being the oldest daughter is true btw why am i the family therapist AND punching bag smh
long ass depressing rant in the tags srry i got a wee bit emotional
#my dad has something going on where there's a ringing in his ear my mom has tendonitis and neck pain now#and i feel for both of them i'm goin to cvs to get the meds giving my mom massages every night talking to my dad to distract him#they're both going to the correct doctors#but just throwing it out there i have had tendonitis and chronic upper back pain for 5-6 years and no one gave a shit most i've gotten is#jokes that i'm faking it#i'm in physical therapy for my back NOW but that's bc i finally crawled out of the depression long enough to do it myself#which is fine whatever i'm 22 i should be the one making my own appointments and it'd be weird if i wasn't#but when i was 16 or 17???#being hospitalized for STRESS HEADACHES at 14 too???#who gets hospitalized for that shit and how were my parents not concerned that i at the age of 14 was#so stressed out that my head was pounding all the time#and bc i'm the third parent who has to be the only emotional safe space#i don't say anything if my sisters are rude to me bc at least they feel safe enough around me to be rude to me#i have to listen to everyone and their momma's problems#i'm in law school!!! i do not need this i'm anxious all the time!!!#and if i'm not anxious i'm depressed!!!#my therapist point blank tells me shit like 'you're incredibly lonely' or 'you have way too much on your shoulders' and it makes me CRY#the most basic fucking observations that i KNOW but hearing someone else acknowledge it and not berate me fucking sends me into TEARS#i get messages from online friends here like 'hey i saw your post you don't deserve that' i physically cannot keep my eyes dry!!#every time i have any interaction ever i am at least a little uncomfortable bc i am always trying so hard to make sure i come off as kind#and not awkward or mean#i feel like everyone around me was given some kind of how to manual on life that i wasn't#and i KNOW this is not unique tons and tons of people feel like this#i know this is the depression and the anxiety and the possible autism i'm well aware#but then every couple of days my mom gets the brilliant idea to tell me i'm rude or lazy or whatever and i lose my shit#i just wanna sleep and write fanfics in the nicest way possible i hate everyone#i will try my best to not be mean to anyone bc no one deserves it but i am angry and i am constantly feeling the hurt of my inner child#my MOTHER threw a hardcover book at my HEAD when i was ten bc i had been reading and hid the book under the pillow#what the actual fuck????#my dad's response to any and everything is to deal with it
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Lovely Complex is such a gem. In theory. How it exists in your memory from when you were fifteen is the real version. Best shoujo of all time. Don't rewatch it tho. You will learn a terrible truth.
#its not that good. unfortunately#the concept is good. the vibe is good#the message is good#the execution is....well#i love a good imperfect messy dysfunctional relationship#and riza and otani are so fun sometimes#but man once riza confesses to him it gets Bad#i really like that otani doesnt have an answer to her right away. and he needs some time to think about it#and i love that riza isnt perfect and she cant hide how it hurt she is that he doesnt feel the same#but MAN those episodes in the middle of the season are a painful slog#of riza constantly guilt tripping otani for not loving her#for running away and crying when he talks to other girls#and he sees her do this. and he knows why#and he makes the decision to NOT pursue other girls because shes his friend and he cares about her#and doesnt want to hurt her because he knows about her feelings#the other characters constantly berating him for not feeling the same. like its his fault#and then when they actually DO get together it doesnt feel satisfying#it feels hollow. like he was finally worn down and said okay#and then near immediately afterwards he breaks up with her for a stupid misunderstanding#hate that shit#(theres also that whole mid 2000s anime transphobia shit. thats weird too)#man...i love lovecom....in theory#short boy and tall girl my beloved
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my last memory of my grandpa was him being SUPER pissed off at me for forgetting how to speak Spanish. he took it as a personal offense, like I did it it intentionally, like I willed the knowledge to go away
#I cried on that couch as he berated me#as he verbally reprimanded me for not being able to hold a conversation with him#and while I still understand the words that are spoken to me in spanish#I still struggle with speaking the words#and idk the wounds are there#the pain is there#I just hate#that my last real memory of him is of my own failure#I was probably only about 11 or 12 at the time#you’re never too young to fail#sadisticyouko rants#not writing
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if i think too long about arthur and grace being so gentle and protective and loving with one another i might start crying
#txt#grace x arthur#like arthur is just … so gentle and tentative with grace both physically and emotionally#he’s always offering her a hand down from her horse and carrying her things and asking after her wellbeing#and always questioning if she’s happy if she’s okay if she truly wants to be here because surely she doesn’t#and grace sees him struggle and sees the pain he’s in and does her damndest to help#her offering to trim his beard and massage the kinks out of his shoulders#gently taking his face in her hands and insisting there’s nowhere she’d rather be#because she knows how others have treated him and made him feel less than worthy and she won’t ever make him feel that way again#also like … arthur Constantly putting his body physically between her and danger because he’s just so terrified of her getting hurt#versus grace verbally berating anyone who speaks down to him or treats him like a simple minded idiot#neither of them really knowing softness or devotion like that but showing it to each other#🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹#this is what happens when i replay rdr2#i have soft thoughts like this#also can’t stop thinking about arthur buying her little trinkets and keepsakes and grace Hates that he’s spending money on her#especially for such frivalous things!#but two days later he sees her in camp wearing the little hair pin he got her and something inside him twists and sweetens at the sight#I miss them 😭😭🥹🥹
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patron saint of being hot
and a lot of skill and really interesting anecdotes about your life and having professors that give me second hand anxiety bc they seem kinda awful and mean. But mainly just being hot
ty! admittedly my professors are not that bad, ive only had one bad professor that was more incompetent that awful. if you want another anecdote, ill tell you about the only teacher i truly despise to this day (on the tags, cuz its a very dark story)
ask gamerino
#i retook that course with a different professor and passed expectacularly. now for the horrendous teacher#on this story we have vomiting injuries and attempted suicide so watch out#in my last two years of our highschool equivalent i had PE with a teacher that loved to play favorites#if u were on a sport team you were immediately given special treatment and as you might already tell i wasnt. i hate ball sports#i loved exercising but i dreaded PE because of her#i have a condition that made my periods incredibly painful and meself anemic so those weeks were hellish#even though i was a good student she would NEVER let me sit out the navette test. even with a doctors note#i would do my best and then literally go vomit and pass out in the bathroom cuz if i did it on the court i would be berated#that wasnt enough to earn my absolute hatred tho. we now move to the worst day of my life to this day#it was just getting to school from lunch (we could go home and have it there) and i had PE#when i get a text#it was my best friend being cryptic thanking me for being a friend and saying goodbyes#he was going to commit suicide#i absolutely lost my shit as one does and went on a rampage#i couldnt get in contact with anyone (his ex stepdad was abusive and isolated his family) and they didnt let me get out of school#i was desperate and my friends were trying to help me but i didnt know what to do. i called my mom and she called his school and then i just#sat and waited with a friend. while the other classmates did the navette test#the minutes passed. i got message from my bffs number and it was his mom telling me she found him just in time#i broke then. i started sobbing and screaming and scratching my arms and my friend held me and tried to keep me from hurting myself#some other classmates came concerned and tried to help#then the teacher came. she just looked at one of the volleyball girlies who shrugged#she didnt ask if i was ok or if i needed to call someone or go somewhere. she just asked if i planning to do the test#i said no and she left and i kept crying#when i felt stable enough i went to see what had happened and she just failed me. i couldnt give the test any other day and that was that#she simply didnt care#i had to calm myself down while writing this. its no use getting emotional over a teacher that didnt care#but i hate her. she made the worst day of my life worse and she doesnt know and doesnt care#that memory fuels me to never surrender to indifference and make the pain in this world worse#my bff got help he needed after that and our bond is stronger than ever. he never pulled something like that again#thats the story! not gonna tag this babes
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Louder Than Thunder by TDWP came back to me in a dream¹ and I just think it'd make a good backdrop against which to stage LL!Martyn's grief and subsequent caving in to the influence of the Watchers.
I imagine that the loss of Jimmy, Mumbo and the Southlands to Grian, would also throw him all the way back to Renchanting. His mind would be churning away at the happy endings that never were. The unfairness of it all!
Now there's no Jimmy, no Mumbo, no Red King and no Hand, and Martyn is owed better. He was forced to moved away but not without taking the frostbite with him. He built himself a new home, set it alight, and it offered him no comfort. If all it would take to see things back to proper place was to carve a prayer into the body of a brother —well. Would it really be such an unfair price to pay?
Unsheath your sword and have at him, soldier. Let the thunder roll.
¹ Dramatisation for commercial purposes.
#red spring did indeed begin but it had nothing to do with Martyn#red spring was ren the hermit springing anew from the remnants of the red king of the snowy mountain#fragile and touch-hungry and seeking to bask his battered self under the sun of new devotion even (fairy fort you will always be famous <3)#however a world of blood and sport is not kind to delicate creatures#i could talk forever about how ren poses danger to the status quo which is why the world chose to spit him out eventually#but this is a c!martyn post#c!martyn who yearns for healing but refuses to face the pain#martyn. who would kill an old friend in exchange for the echo of another whom he betrayed and berated in life#he's so fucked up in the head and it's contagious. i must be quarantined#mcyt#trafficblr#third life#last life#martyn itlw#renchanting#the southlanders#elle.txt#don't mind me i've been watching spartacus and it has me in quite the mood (?)
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Cannot sleep :/
#just pav things#lying awake here with Inigo meta thoughts#specifically the nuances of why he never intervened when Archie and Dism were fighting#He is torn between these two ideas of reality— whether Archie is dead or alive. That is true.#But eventually the latter idea takes more of a foothold; which is just a recipe for mental disarray#It’s a break from the comfortable cycle of self-hatred and destruction. So this new thought has to be counteracted to maintain inertia#So as I understand it he’s now caught on those lingering feelings of abandonment that Archie has left him with. and he is Not Happy.#Because just as he interpreted himself as being a replacement for Dism#He’s interpreting Archie and his little motley crew as a further refusal to move on from the past#And because Inigo acts on impulse (as seen best with the 💥 arm getting blown off) he’s using that momentary anger#to distract himself from the core issue as he lashes out ✨#He’s kind of a hypocrite that one. Stresses the importance of embracing unpleasant memories as a fundamental part of your character#(To the point of berating Idyllia for going the total memory wipe route instead)#but he is ALSO an escapist at heart. Neither of them want their definition of pain so they both have terrible routines to try avoiding it ✌#I’m sorry if this made no sense Dolphin I will probably do a retake with more braincells in the next few days#You know I’ve been analysing the design of this kindergarten in sydney for VCD#It’s called Nubo. Now I’ve always had a fondness for Scandinavian aesthetics but this is PEAK#So I went down a research rabbit hole and I came out of it with a clear concept for what Amonea Montessori School should feel like!#It’s this sort of cross-concept between stereotypical Australian architecture and hygge#Those oak panels and muted colours and glass everywhere#And I can carry through to an overall unique visual identity for Amonea#After all Byrgir should feel similarly detached from Earth in it’s own subtle ways#Tapping more into solarpunk and that overall comforting feeling for Amonea in particular~#I’m so happy :D
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#in physical pain about this.#also if you’ll allow me. i have this kenshiv headcanon#where when they were quite young they were messing around with each other the way little kids do; you know; experimenting#and someone caught them - not logan but maybe a nanny or someone like that#and berated them and told them to stop it’s sinful etc etc#and it was extremely embarrassing and shameful for both of them since they were so young#and since then they’ve been very very cautious around each other#maybe shiv was too young to even remember the incident but she unconsciously carries that shame as well as kendall#he’ll never forget it though. the way he was made to feel so unclean for something that felt innocent and pure#(especially compared to what his father was doing to him at that age.)#ks
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also I love this that is the face of someone who is very much not happy with anything at that moment you really can tell how much he does not like seeing the object of his affections treated like that
#it's very good#very very good#it really makes me think of that one line which I can not cite freely but it was something along those lines too#this single two second shot of Eichi looking so uncomfortable is so good actually because they could've made him put on that pokerface#but they didn't so#yanno#I'm not sure how to explain this in english my brains a bit mushy#but like#that's Wataru and he's getting berated by the student body and it is Eichis fault#to Eichi I mean and you know how he said he's a "huge fan'' of his#pains him so much that he can't even pretend to be unaffected#is what I mean#wataei#eichi tenshouin#I'm not sure if I should tag wataru too because he's technically speaking not in the post directly
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thinking about how before everything— before evan's death, charlie, elizabeth, the missing kids, all michael wanted was for william to love him. yes he acted out because of frustration but it was always rooted in the fact that he just wanted his dad to be proud of him, convinced that if he mimicked him enough, if he were strong and intimidating enough, that he could finally deserve and be given ANY recognition. he did not start out hating william, he craved his approval more than anything. it just ended up that he went too far with it, turning his father's words and actions towards him from dismissive to downright horrible
#it shifts from him believing he could earn that love if he were a good enough son to being utterly convinced he was born terrible and he#will always be doomed to be terrible. that he deserves every berating word and all the pain#eventually he comes to realize that william's cruelty wasn't Fair and it doesn't improve his belief that#he's an inherently bad person but he isn't fooled by william's act of innocence either#just . he wanted to be LOVED and he did not go about it in good ways but the point is he shouldn't have had to i'm so upset#⁂ ・゚: none of us belong‚ everything i do is wrong‚ and soon there will be nobody left around ➛ headcanons#abuse tw#ok i need to get off my ass now and stop thinking about blorbo... Unfortunately
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Very hard not to feel like a burden when my chronic illness shows Very Blatantly. I know it's not my fault I'm sick but I still feel sad that it's a disturbance to others in any way. I dont like going out every day, it flares the pain up. I cant sit in the cold long before my body locks up and feels like it's being crushed. Some pain days are so bad even getting up to use the bathroom takes everything out of me. I'm trying my best every day, and sometimes it isnt enough. I want to be enough, despite the illnesses
#thinking back to an abusive past relationship where i was berated and scolded when i couldnt go out#he would just get so pissed and annoyed at me...like i was choosing to stay inside for fun#i forced myself to go out during bad pain days to try an make him happy and he still just got angry that i would collapse or cry#its so hard to let that go#being ridiculed and made to feel shame for being sick#really has left its mark#and it makes me wonder if other people in my life will leave when im 'too much' to take care of#i wish i could cry#testimonials
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