#my bff got help he needed after that and our bond is stronger than ever. he never pulled something like that again

[reformedkingsmanagent]

How about some Charlie and Gazelle where they're bffs, just trying to find their way in a post-villain-side-kick world?

AN: I had so many ideas about this, but I just rewatched Atomic Blonde and it had me wanting more Lorraine so I’ve included her in this (actively ignoring the time jump involved…please don’t be angry) and I would be glad to revisit this duo more often!

Prompt: Henchmen Without A Purpose

Pairing: None (Platonic Charlie and Gazelle)

Word Count: 1724

Charlie waited impatiently at the bar, sipping on his drink as he scanned the room. The lights annoyed him, the music bothered him, and his drink wasn’t strong enough. Why did he come here? Why did she insist on this specific bar when there were hundreds of others that were probably far better?

“Hey!” Charlie turned and was confronted with an exuberant Gazelle. She couldn’t hide the mischief in her eyes as she spun around on the bar stool. He was slightly comforted with her arrival. It meant his business here would be over soon. “Long day?” She gestured to his drink.

“Hey.” He finished his drink and set the glass down on the counter, pushing up his sleeve to check his watch. “You’re late.” He signaled to the bartender that he’d take another and returned his attention to the woman beside him. “I don’t like this place.”

“Suck it up. I told you already we needed to meet her in person. This was where she chose,” she shrugged, leaning forward. The bartender placed the new glass down in front of Charlie. Before he could wrap his metal fingers around it, Gazelle had already picked it up and brought it to her lips. He glared at her. She gleefully took a large sip. “Ugh, why do you drink this?” She looked down at the glass, making a face before setting it back down in front of him. He picked up the glass and finished it off.

“Where is this contact of yours? I’d really like to get this over with.” He turned away from the bar, looking out across the room. No one seemed suspicious or out of place. It was just some dive bar with rather annoying neon lighting. It was mostly empty, but it was a Tuesday night.

Normally he’d have picked up some tacos, Taco Tuesday being the only ritual he participated in, but today required him to break that tradition. He would have brought them home after spending his day pursuing leads, if they had any. He might still try to find a place open after this, if all went well.

Gazelle had suggested they start their own business, insisting that he would make a good P.I. with his deductive skills and Kingsman training. Gazelle had an interest in photography, which was useful. Between the two of them, they made a pretty capable detective agency. He didn’t care about the work itself, but he admitted that having anything to do was better than being idle. They didn’t get many clients but it funded their simple lifestyle. Besides, Gazelle was sitting on a mountain of gold after Valentine’s demise and Charlie was left with his family’s money and real estate holdings no matter how little he wanted them. He would have been just fine having his distant family back in his life though it killed him to admit it. The both of them had Kingsman to blame for their losses. Kingsman and themselves. The work helped distract Charlie from his destructive thoughts.

“Remind me how you happened to find a spy in the middle of London that doesn’t work for Kingsman?” Charlie looked down at her. She laughed to herself.

“Charlie, you should know by now that I’m very good at what I do.” He wouldn’t have denied it. Gazelle was incredibly capable, and entirely self-sufficient. She didn’t need him around for anything, but he thought she might have wanted a friend after everything that happened. He was okay with that.

“This better be good intel. We’ve been at this for months and I just feel like we’re chasing ghosts.” Charlie and Gazelle worked on their cases, but in between, they hunted down any leads on Kingsman. After the independent spy agency had been all but dissolved, their operations had gone further underground. If they were still operating out of London, neither of them had heard word of it.

“It’ll work out this time, I just know it. Lorraine knows what she’s talking about. She’s got to be high up.”

“First names, now?” He couldn’t help but smile.

“Shut up.” She glanced over her shoulder before pulling out her phone. She quickly scrolled through her emails. “She said nine.” And she was late, Charlie wanted to say. He was particular about being on time.

“What did you tell her about us?” Charlie picked an ice cube out of his glass and popped it in his mouth, quietly sucking the last of the alcohol off of it before crunching it up.

“Nothing. How stupid do you think I am?” He glanced over at his new working partner. After Poppyland, Gazelle had sought him out. He had been wandering aimlessly around the smaller villages of Cambodia, trying to avoid everything. She helped him recover from his mindless anger. She was infinitely stronger than him. He had known that from the moment he met her. He wanted to be just like her.

He even picked the wrong cause. Just like her. She had managed to learn her lesson. He had needed to learn it twice. Now they were trying to find their purpose. They were used to being tools. Having autonomy was a new concept for the both of them. He would argue that he was adapting pretty well, all things considered.

A tall blonde woman walked in, and the air was sucked out of the room. He glanced over at Gazelle and watched the smile blossom across her face. This must be her contact. The blonde woman was definitely enchanting.

Gazelle left her stool and moved across the room to greet her, the metallic clang of her signature legs muffled by the music playing. Charlie had trained with her a bit and her skill with those blades terrified him. She thought it was hilarious. Gazelle was a ball of well-restrained chaos. But she was proving to be a good friend, if not a critical one. He trusted her. He thought she trusted him too.

“Charlie, this is Lorraine. She’s who I was telling you about.” Charlie stood and held out a hand to Lorraine. She took it, not at all bothered by the fact that the hand she shook was metal. He was a little relieved.

“It’s nice to meet you,” he greeted. Gazelle had asked him to be on his best behavior. He could do that for her, he thought. Lorraine took a seat at the bar and quickly ordered a drink. Charlie waited next to Gazelle, shooting her a look. She shrugged and started to speak.

“Lorraine, we-”

“I didn’t come here to make friends. You guys want my intel, and I need a favor.” Lorraine turned, leaning her back against the bar. She looked the pair of them over, eyes lingering on their…enhancements. “Did you guys stumble out of a Bond villain’s lair or something?”

Charlie moved forward to give this woman a good piece of his mind, but Gazelle firmly gripped his shoulder. “Don’t.” She stepped in front of him to confront Lorraine. “What’s the favor?”

Lorraine smiled, holding her glass up near her lips. “This spy business is very tedious, isn’t it?” She took a sip. “And to be on the wrong side of history…” Her eyes lingered on Charlie for a moment longer. “…twice.”

“What’s the ask?” Charlie repeated Gazelle’s question, growing impatient. This woman was wasting his time and she had the nerve to mock them.

“I need you to get rid of a body.” Charlie frowned. Surely it couldn’t be this simple.

“Okay, fine. Where is it?” He crossed his arms over his chest.

“It doesn’t exist yet. But I need you two waiting to whisk it away before anyone knows what’s happened.”

“And where will this take place?” Gazelle asked, also crossing her arms over her chest. Charlie looked down at her, wondering if Lorraine was usually this…prickly.

“At a gala event, tomorrow night.” Lorraine set her glass down and turned to face the bartender, holding out her hand. He ducked under the counter for a moment but came back up with a folder which he handed to Lorraine. She passed it over to Gazelle with a smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes. “The tickets for the both of you are in there, along with some information on our target.” Her use of ‘our’ rubbed Charlie the wrong way. Who was she working for? “You’ll also find a little something to tide you over until we’re done.”

Gazelle tucked the folder under her arm and stepped away from the bar. She pushed Charlie back with her. “We’ll be there.”

“You better be,” Lorraine called out as Gazelle led Charlie out of the bar.

The cool air was refreshing and it distracted Charlie from his headache. “I don’t like her,” he spoke. “She seems like she’d throw us to the wolves in an instant.”

Gazelle ignored his criticism of her contact. “Okay, so we have this one little thing to do and then we’ll have what we need.” She sounded excited. Charlie walked around Gazelle, reaching out and taking the file from under her arm. “Hey, don’t do that!” She caught up to him before he could open it and held the folder shut. “Let’s just go back home and we can look at it there.” He tried to open it up again. “Not. Here.” She warned. She pulled the folder out of his hands and continued walking.

“Do you trust her?” Charlie asked, starting to catch up to her. “Next time, we get to choose the meeting place. That guy could have taken us out and we wouldn’t have seen it coming.” Charlie was usually decent at reading people, but the bartender had slipped under his radar. He was bitter about it.

“I trust her. That’s all you need to know about her,” Gazelle spoke over her shoulder.

“Who does she work for, if not Kingsman?” He asked, finally catching up with her.

“I told you to drop it, Charlie. It’s not important. What’s important is this envelope, and the information she’s promised us. Don’t screw this up because of your trust issues. I need you to promise me that you won’t deviate. We get this done, we get our information. It’s that simple.” Charlie nodded, but deep down he knew this would be anything but simple. Nothing ever was.

[greysfanpage388]

Moving Forward

In this fic, it would be 2 weeks after Omelia made up. Owen follows Amelia to LA to visit her first baby’s grave. This would feature the LA gang :)

For the sake of this fic:

a) Amelia had returned home and made up with Owen 2 weeks before this fic

b) They didn’t receive any news about Megan in this fic, and the hospital fire didn’t occur.

Again, thanks to the amazing @jia911 helping me to proofread this! <3

Owen closed his eyes and took a deep breath as the aircraft he was boarding landed. His heart was thumping fast. Although he tried not to show it, he was nervous about meeting Amelia’s LA gang. Although Amelia frequently told him about her LA friends, and he had joined in their FaceTime chats a couple of times, this was the first time he was meeting them face to face. He knew that they meant a lot to Amelia, and were her family when she was working in LA. He was glad that she had found a place where she belonged before she met him. He had heard only good things about this group and couldn’t wait to meet them. At the same time, he couldn’t help but wonder what impression would he be making on them. What if they didn’t like him? He didn’t want to let Amelia down. If Amelia’s friends liked him, she would be happy, and her being happy would make him happy too.

He didn’t know how he got himself into this situation in the first place. A couple of weeks ago, after Amelia finally returned home, both of them poured their heart and soul out to each other. Amelia finally told him everything about her unicorn baby- from the moment she found out she was carrying an anencephalic baby, her decision to carry on with the pregnancy, the painful birth, and holding the baby in her arms, admiring how precious he was. She also told him how her heart broke into pieces when Addison and Jake had to take her baby away from her when he developed respiratory distress.

She then told him that it would be the 5th year anniversary of his death in 2 weeks, and that she had never visited his grave ever since she left LA. She invited him to follow her to LA to visit her baby’s grave and he gladly accepted.

He was jolted out of his thoughts by a warm hand gently covering his. Amelia had noticed his furrowed eyebrows, which indicated that he was deep in concentration thinking about something. She could sense that he was anxious about the prospect of meeting her friends.

She squeezed his hand in a comforting gesture and gave him a reassuring smile.

‘ They’re going to like you.’ she convinced, feeling amused that he would be so nervous about meeting her friends. She found his desire to make a good first impression on her friends endearing.

‘ How do you know that?’ Owen asked.

‘ Because I know them. And I know you. You’ll all get along just fine.’ Amelia answered smiling, giving Owen a gentle pat on the thigh. Owen’s eyebrows furrowed further.

‘ Ok, seriously though- they’ve heard only good things about you.’ Amelia said earnestly. ‘ I spoke to Addison on the phone yesterday and she said that she couldn’t wait to meet you. Just relax, Owen, It’ll be fine. You just need to be yourself , ok? They’ll all love you for who you are, trust me.’

‘ Ok, if you say so.’ Owen surrendered.

‘ I’ll make sure they do.’ Amelia promised, winking at him.

______________________________________________________________

15 minutes later, Owen was pushing their luggage on a trolley and following Amelia out to the waiting area.

He noticed a couple whom he recognized as Addison and Jake waving at them. Standing beside the couple was a boy looking to be about 5 years old.

Amelia rushed up to Addison and both women embraced in a big hug obviously so glad to see each other.

Jake extended his hands to Owen and Owen accepted the handshake awkwardly.

‘ Hey, so you must be Owen Hunt.’ said Jake, smiling. ‘ According to Addison, Amelia has only good things to say about you.’

‘ And you must be Jake.’ said Owen. ‘ According to Amelia, Addison has only good things to say about you.’

‘ And…you must be the amazing Owen Hunt.’ Addison greeted as both ginger hairs shook hands. ‘ You know, Amelia boasts to me regularly about how you’re the best husband ever.’

‘ Addison.’ Amelia chided, blushing.

‘ I’m just speaking the truth. Remember how you gushed to me about him just yesterday- about how he readily agreed to take leave to follow you here?’ said Addison unapologetically as Amelia shrugged in defeat. Those were her exact words during their conversation the day before.

‘ Hey Henry.’ Amelia greeted as she bent down to shake the boy’s hands. ‘ Gosh you’re such a big boy already! You’ve grown up so much from when I last saw you in person.’

‘ Hey auntie Amelia! I’m 5 already.’ said Henry grinning, showing all 5 fingers of his right hand. Although Amelia had never seen him in person since she left LA, she had regular FaceTime sessions with Addison and Henry which led to Henry recognizing her.

‘ Oh yes you are! ’ Amelia hugged him. ‘ Henry, this is Uncle Owen. Say hi to him?’

‘ Hi Uncle Owen.’ Henry greeted shyly as he shook Owen’s hand politely.

‘ Hey Henry.’ Owen spoke to the boy in the gentle voice he reserved only for children. ‘ He’s such a polite boy.’ Owen complimented as he looked up at Henry’s parents.

‘ Well, he behaves differently at home.’ Addison chuckled.

‘ Mommy - uncle Owen also has red hair like you.’ Henry pointed out.

‘ Why yes, which makes both of us cool, right Hunt?’ Addison answered as the other adults burst out laughing.

‘ We’ll drop off your belongings at our house first, then we’ll proceed to Flinders.’ Jake suggested . ‘ Cooper, Charlotte and their kids are already on their way there. Violet couldn’t make it- Lucas is down with the flu. But she wants meet up with you both tomorrow. Sam and Naomi are on vacation with Olivia and Michael, and Sheldon is in the Carribbean again for God knows how long.’ he added.

The car ride was a pleasant one, with Addison, Jake and Henry getting to know Owen better.  ______________________________________________________________

As Owen, Amelia, Jake, Addison and Henry entered the restaurant- Charlotte, Cooper and their kids were already seated.

Henry immediately ran over to the table and took a seat beside Mason. Although there was a 7 year age gap between them, they both shared a special bond and were close buddies.

Amelia’s heart leapt upon seeing Charlotte. Although they communicated regularly via FaceTime and WhatsApp, it just wasn’t the same as seeing each other in person. Oh how she missed her Junkie BFF!

Both women shared a warm hug.

‘ I’ve missed you so much, Charlotte.’ Amelia whispered.

‘ I’ve missed you too, Junkie BFF.’ Charlotte whispered back as both women chuckled.

Meanwhile, Addison and Jake introduced Owen to Cooper and the two men shook hands.

‘ Charlotte- this is Owen.’ Amelia introduced her friend to her husband.

‘ Owen Hunt. Glad to finally meet you in person.’ said Charlotte in her southern drawl as she shook Owen’s hand. ‘ I’ve heard only amazing things about you.’ she added.

‘ Same here.’ Owen replied, blushing slightly.

‘ And these are my children - Mason, Georgia, Caroline and Rachel.’ added Charlotte, pointing to each one of them.

‘ Hi uncle Owen.’ Mason greeted him with a cheeky grin.

‘ Hi aunt Amelia.’ he greeted her, still grinning.

‘ Oh wow- you’ve grown up so much! Look at you!’ Amelia exclaimed in amazement. The last time she had seen him in person, he was only 8 years old. Now 5 years later, he had grown into a tall teenager.

‘And you all too’ said Amelia as she looked at the triplets affectionately. They were all just babies when she had left LA and they were now little girls. Where had time gone?

The girls took turns shaking Owen’s hands shyly before Amelia hugged each one of them.

‘ Should we start ordering?’ Cooper suggested.

‘ So, Hunt.’ said Charlotte as soon as everyone has placed their orders. ‘ Tell me more about yourself. I heard that you’ve served in the army before?’

‘ Yes, for 5 years.’ Owen answered. ‘ Operating on wounded soldiers. I’ve seen everything, all types of horrific injuries which soldiers suffer in the battlefield.’

‘ Wow I’ve full respect for people who serve in the army.’ Charlotte stated earnestly. ‘ So now you’re the Head of Trauma at Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital?’

‘ Yes.’ said Owen. ‘ I love the adrenaline rush of treating acute trauma cases. I heard that you’re the Chief of Staff at St Ambrose Hospital?’

‘ Yes I am. I keep everyone in line.’ Charlotte replied proudly.

‘ Yes, which includes bossing people around.’ Cooper added.

‘ What?! No I don’t anymore. You know that, Cooper.’ Charlotte defended as she hit his arm playfully.

‘ Ok, ok, I’m just kidding.’ Cooper retracted.

‘ She’s also a sexologist and a really good one at that. People come to her for all sorts of advice about their sexual problems.’ he added. ‘ So if you have any sexual issues, you know who to look for..’  he stretched his hands in front of him to shield himself from further attack from his wife.

‘ Cooper, there are children here!’ Charlotte scolded, her Southern accent coming out stronger than ever.

‘ They’re like that.’ Amelia whispered to Owen as she watched her two old friends bickering. Gosh how she missed them!

Charlotte and Cooper’s bickering was interrupted by the drinks arriving.

‘ And you’re a Paediatrician right?’ Owen asked Cooper.

‘ Yes, I am. Children come to me for a variety of different cases.’ Cooper answered.

‘ You should have seen some of his cases.’ Charlotte chimed in. ‘ Once a child came in with pica and it turned out his mother actually had the same disorder but was ashamed to admit it.’

‘ And there was another time he risked his license being suspended when he treated a homeless child.’ Addison added.

‘ The child was innocent. How can he be denied the right to receive treatment just because his mother couldn’t afford it?’ Cooper defended himself.

‘ Well, that just goes to show how kind hearted he is, right Cooper?’ Charlotte asked as she patted her husband’s shoulder affectionately.

‘ Ok, enough talk about me.’ said Cooper waving his hands to dismiss the current conversation. ‘ Hunt, do tell us more about yourself. We’ve heard only good things about you.’

Owen froze for a moment, feeling like a deer being put on the spotlights.

‘ Well….ermm….what do you guys wanna know about me?’ he asked.

‘ Well, for starters about how about the fact that you give the best S-E-X ever.’ said Amelia winking at him.

‘ Oops….sorry….I forgot my filter.’ she added quickly as Owen’s face turned as red as a tomato.

‘ You do not need to spell the word out, aunt Amelia. I know perfectly well what it means and the rest of the kids are too little to know.’ said Mason, grinning.

‘ What does S-E-X mean?’ Henry who was sitting beside him asked with wide eyes.

‘ Ask your Mom later.’ Mason replied noncholantly.

‘ Yea , what does S-E-X mean?’ Georgia who was sitted on the other side of him asked.

Charlotte and Cooper exchanged a glance before Cooper quickly replied…. ‘ It’s when two people love each other a lot, Georgie.’

He was distracted by Caroline tapping at his arm, demanding for his attention.

At the opposite side of the table, Addison gave Amelia a death glare as the younger woman shrugged.

‘ Sorry, like I said, I forgot my filter.’ she whispered back to her friend.

‘ Tell us more about your experience in the army, Hunt.’ said Jake, trying to salvage the situation.

Owen heaved a sigh of relief at the change of topic. The conversation was making him uncomfortable, as fun and friendly as Amelia’s friends were. Leave it to his wife to initiate such an uncomfortable topic.

He did notice though that her friends were apparently accustomed to her lack of filter.

As Owen started telling them about his years of experience in the army , and about how much he missed his sister Megan, they all listened attentively. He then told them about the interesting cases he had encountered throughout the years of working in the emergency department of Grey Sloan Memorial. He gradually started feeling at ease with Amelia’s friends , which meant a lot considering he seldom opened up to people easily.

Amelia eventually joined in the conversation by telling them about the interesting Neuro cases she had encountered in Grey Sloan Memorial, about her sisters Meredith and Maggie and about her nieces and nephew. She was careful to avoid telling them about her marital problems earlier on with Owen. It was a secret between them both that the others didn’t need to know.

The rest of the dinner went on smoothly as the group chatted amicably, exchanging stories and catching up with each other’s lives. Amelia watched as Owen interacted with her friends and their children with ease.

______________________________________________________________

‘ Owen does seem like a great guy.’ Addison pointed out as she and Amelia sat at the balcony of her LA house, feeling the cool breeze of the beach blowing on their faces. Amelia peered into the house where Owen and Jake were sitting on the couch , chatting to each other and watching sports on TV. Henry was already asleep in his bedroom.

‘ Look at him interacting with the children- he’s a natural.’ she added, recalling seeing Owen playing tea party with the triplets and then playing a board game with Mason when they dropped by Charlotte and Cooper’s place after dinner. When they arrived home, Owen had built some Legos with Henry before Addison had to tuck him into bed.

‘ Yes he is.’ Amelia agreed earnestly. Again, the guilt she felt about having left Owen when he had been nothing but kind, caring and supportive towards her resurfaced.

‘ But?’ Addison knew Amelia well enough to sense that there was something more to the story than her friend was letting on. Since Amelia left home a few months ago- she hadn’t been FaceTiming with Addison or the rest of the LA gang- making the excuse that she was too swamped up with work and married life. The truth was, she was too ashamed to tell them about what happened between her and Owen because part of her knew that it was her fault.

Amelia cleared her throat. She knew that she needed to tell her friend the whole truth. Addison was her good friend and had been with her throughout every single one of her experiences while she was in LA. Furthermore, Addison knew about her unicorn baby.

‘ Please don’t judge me when I tell you this…..’ Amelia said wearily.

‘ Amelia- when did I ever judge you?’ Addison asked intrigued.

‘ Well…’  Amelia began, ‘ Actually…. my marriage to Owen wasn’t as smooth sailing as I made it up to be…’

‘ What do you mean?’ Addison probed gently.

‘ I did what I knew best, I ran.’ Amelia admitted in a soft voice, staring out at the sea and watching the waves crash onto shore. ‘ Again.’ she added.

‘ Why did you run?’ Addison asked. ‘ I mean, I know you well enough to know that you have your reasons for doing so. You wouldn’t just simply run off like that.’

‘ I was afraid, Addison.’ Amelia admitted. ‘ The first couple of months were awesome. Then the honeymoon period ended. We were planning to start a family. Well, a family was what Owen wanted very much- it had been his dream all along. Initially I was very much on broad of the idea, and we agreed to start a family immediately. Then, I missed my period and thought I might be pregnant. But when I took the pregnancy test, and it turned out negative- I was actually relieved. It was then that I realized I was afraid of being pregnant again. What if I have another anencephalic baby, Addison?’

‘ So the main reason you ran away is because you didn’t want to face your fears of having another anencephalic baby.’ Addison pointed out, nodding her head in understanding and taking Amelia’s hand in hers as a gesture of support.

‘ Yes.’ Amelia answered, sighing in relief. She knew that Addison would get it. Addison was one of the very few people who really understood her. ‘ I mean, what if I can only produce anencephalic babies? What if I can’t give him the family he longs for? Would he leave me?’

‘ Amelia, the recurrence rate of anencephaly is less than 5%.’ Addison informed. ‘ Chances are you both will have a healthy baby.’

‘ I know- but what if I’m the 5%?’ Amelia asked.

‘ Look at me.’ Addison said firmly but gently as their eyes met. ‘ What happened to the cheerful, bubbly, optimistic Amelia I know who would perform a risky surgery on a patient because she knew that it would be worth it if the surgery succeeded? Where has this Amelia gone to?’

‘ Life has knocked her down.’ Amelia replied sadly.

‘ No, the Amelia I know would not let that happen. The Amelia I know would fight to the very end to prove the odds wrong.’ said Addison.

‘ Listen here, Amelia.’ she continued when her friend remained silent. ‘ I may not know Owen that well, but from what little I know about him, he seems to be a kind, caring and supportive guy. Have you actually talked to him about your fears? Maybe if you have a heart to heart talk with him about it- he would understand and wouldn’t pressure you into having kids.’

‘ I talked to him about it a couple of weeks ago.’ Amelia admitted. ‘ I told him everything about my baby and opened up to him about my deepest fears. He was so supportive and understanding. Actually, that’s the main reason why he followed me here to LA, to visit my baby’s grave too.’

‘ That’s so sweet of Owen.’ Addison smiled.. ‘ You are a very lucky girl to have met him, Amelia.’ she said honestly.

‘ I know.’ Amelia admitted, smiling back.

‘ Would you take me and Owen to my baby’s grave tomorrow?’ Amelia asked. ‘ It’s supposed to be his 5th birthday.’

‘ Of course!’ Addison answered. The memories of Amelia carrying and giving birth to her Unicorn baby were still fresh in her mind. ‘ I’ll be there to offer you support, I know you’ll need it.’

‘ Thanks Addison.’ said Amelia gratefully. She was so glad to have met such a good friend in Addison. They shared a strong bond which could never be broken. She considered Addison more of a sister to her than her biological sisters.

‘ That’s what friends are for.’ Addison replied as both women exchanged a smile.

They both stared out at the sea again, letting themselves savor the calming effect of the cool seaside breeze blowing on their faces. Amelia had to admit, although she had settled down in Seattle and had gotten used to the lifestyle there, she missed the relaxing atmosphere and beaches of LA. ______________________________________________________________

The next day

The fresh scent of spring filled the air. A slight breeze was blowing and birds were chirping. Flowers were in full bloom, representing the fresh hope of spring, but it did little to lighten the sombre mood at the cemetery.

The cemetery was almost empty except for 3 figures. One of the figures stepped forward and walked slowly towards one of the gravestones.

Amelia held back tears as she carefully made her way towards the white gravestone on which was engraved with the words ‘ Precious Unicorn. Gone too soon but forever in our hearts.’

She carefully placed a fresh bouquet of flowers in front of the gravestone. It looked neat, apparently Addison and Jake had taken turns to clean the area from time to time. She made a mental note to thank them for it later.

She slowly kneeled down, the breeze blowing on her face.

‘ I’m sorry buddy. Mommy is so sorry for not coming back to see you after all this while.’ she said softly. ‘ I’ve no excuse.’

‘ I hope you’re happy up there in heaven.’ she whispered. ‘ I tell you, you’re so lucky. I bet it’s so much better up there than it is down here. The world down here isn’t nice. There’s war, hunger, injustice everywhere. You’re in a better place now.’

She let tears roll down her cheeks as she added. ‘ I hope you’re smiling down and watching over me. Look, I’ve brought uncle Owen to see you. He’s mommy’s husband now and I’m sure he would’ve loved to meet you, bud. You both would’ve been good friends and done lots of fun things together.’ she sniffled.

Meanwhile, Owen and Addison were watching Amelia from a distance. She looked solemn as she kneeled down in front of the tombstone.

A tense silence passed between them before Addison spoke up first.

‘ You know - this is the first time she has been back to her baby’s grave since his funeral.’ she said. ‘ Maybe this is the sense of closure she needed.’

Another moment of silence ensued before Owen said. ‘ She never told me anything about her baby until 2 weeks ago. It must have been so hard on her.’

‘ I saw her throughout the entire pregnancy.’ Addison revealed. ‘ I performed the first scan on her and it tore my heart to have to break the news to her . She seemed so excited to meet the baby initially, and when I told her the baby had no brain, you should’ve seen her crestfallen expression. It was like I had taken away everything from her.’

‘ Yeah according to Amelia, when you delivered the news to her, she was completely devastated.’ Owen nodded sadly.

‘ Did she tell you that she was given the option to terminate, but she decided to carry the baby to term because she wanted to donate his organs?’ Addison asked.

‘ Yes, she did.’ Owen answered. ‘ And I really admire and respect her for this. It must’ve been a very tough decision for her to make.’

‘ She wanted to make sure her baby made a difference in many lives during his short time on earth.’ Addison said. ‘ When the baby developed respiratory distress and it was time for Jake and I to take him away from her, it was so heartbreaking. It was like we took away a piece of her heart .’ she added sadly, remembering the fateful day vividly.

‘ It’s a very noble thing for her to do.’ said Owen, even more in awe of his wife. Her friend had just confirmed what an amazing and remarkable woman she was.

‘’ Yes, it was.’ Addison nodded in agreement.

They both stopped talking to look at Amelia kneeling in front of the gravestone with tears rolling down her cheeks. Owen wanted to run up to her to hug her, but he respected her privacy and knew she needed a moment alone with her child.

‘ Thank you Addison.’ said Owen suddenly. ‘ Thank you for being there for Amelia, for being her friend and supporting her all this while.’

Addison smiled. ‘ Our history went right back to high school when I started dating Derek.’ she said. ‘ Amelia would tag along with him for our dates and both of us became close.’ She decided to leave out the wild teenage Amelia part. Nope, Owen didn’t need to know that.

‘ Thank you Owen.’ she said. ‘ Thank you for being there for her when I couldn’t. You know what she told me during our last FaceTime chat a couple of days ago? She gloated about how she’s so lucky to have found such a kind, caring, understanding and supportive husband like you.’

Owen blushed at the compliment. Although he didn’t want to admit it, it really meant a lot to him to hear his wife praise him like that.

‘ She’s amazing too.’ he answered, deliberately leaving out the part where she left him with a mere note a few months ago.

Before Addison could reply, Amelia was beckoning for Owen to join her in front of the gravestone.

Excusing himself, Owen walked slowly towards the spot where Amelia was kneeling and kneeled down beside her.

‘ Buddy, this is Uncle Owen.’ said Amelia softly. ‘You both would’ve gotten along well together.’

‘ Hey buddy.’ said Owen, joining in the conversation. ‘ Your mother told me about you and how special you are. I wish I got to meet you. We would’ve done so many fun things together like go fishing and play soccer.’

Amelia felt a tug at her heart at Owen’s words. She was sure that Owen would’ve adored her first child.

‘ I’m sure you’re watching over us, buddy. I hope you’re smiling down at us from heaven.’ said Amelia, smiling up at the sky. I hope you watch over any siblings you might have in the future too. I love you and miss you so much.’ she said, as fresh tears rolled down her cheeks.

Her words didn’t go unnoticed by Owen.

‘ I hope you watch over any siblings you might have in the future too.’ Hearing those words really warmed his heart.

‘ Amelia.’ he whispered softly, unable to believe what he had just heard. Was it true? Was she really ready to have children with him? He didn’t want to pressure her if she wasn’t ready yet. He would wait until she was actually ready.

‘ Shhhh.’ she placed a finger gently over his lips to silence him and took his hand in hers.

‘ Buddy, just know that I love you and miss you so much.’ Amelia said. ‘ You’ll always hold a special place in my heart, even after your siblings arrive. They would never replace you, you’ll always be my firstborn son. Promise me you’ll look after them and guard over them ok?’ she added.

She gave Owen a subtle squeeze on the hand as she said those words.

At that very moment, she felt a heavy burden being lifted from her shoulders. For the first time since her baby’s birth and death, she finally felt free. Free to go on with her life, free from the shadows of her past which binded her.This was the closure she needed. She felt something in her heart telling her that it was ok, that she could move on to start a family with Owen.

At that same moment, Owen knew that his wife finally got the closure she badly needed. He squeezed her hand back as a silent gesture of support.

As they stood there in front of the gravestone, hand in hand, feeling the gentle spring breeze blow on their faces, with Addison watching from a distance, they felt the freedom to move on with their lives and eventually start a family. They knew that Unicorn Baby was looking down from heaven and smiling at them.

Any comments, reblogs, messages and reviews are very much appreciated.  I would really love to hear from you all! Please, please do let me know what you think! <3

[lifelibrariesandlemontrees]

Book Review: A Court of Wings and Ruin (Spoilers)

Okay. It’s here guys. And I’ve got a lot to say about it. Let’s begin.

Finally! After a year of waiting, the final book in Sarah J Maas’s A Court of Thorns and Roses series is here. I was super hyped for this book you guys, SO HYPED. How could I not be after the wonder that was the first two. But now the question is: Did the book live up to the hype?

Before I tell you, let me just reiterate that there will be spoilers in this review. I know, I know, usually I don’t. But I can’t help it, I had a lot to say and I want to get specific. So: If you haven’t read the book, you should probably turn back now. Get the book, read it, and when you’re done, come back and see if our opinions match up. Try it, it’s fun!

Okay. Are they gone? Has everyone here finished the book? Awesome. Let’s get started, shall we? (P.S: This is gonna be long) (And unorganized) (I apologize now) (I will put a Tl;Dr at the end, if you don’t want to read all of my unorganized rambling)

Did the book live up to the hype? I’m a little undecided, but as of right now I have to say...no. It was good, and I enjoyed it, but I think it was my least favorite of the books which honestly disappointed me a little. I went in with such high hopes, and maybe that was my mistake, but to be fair, the first two books were perfection. I had no reason to expect this book to be anything less. 

But...I had some issues. For one thing, something about the characters just felt a little...off, to me. Not always, but enough for me to notice. Take Feyre, for example. I was expecting to LOVE the beginning, to LOVE Feyre being a sneaky spy, taking down the king of Hyburn from inside the Spring Court. But when I was reading it? Well, for one thing it seemed too easy. I mean, I wanted her to succeed but like...the Spring Court basically rolled over and let her ruin them. 

But getting back to Feyre, I understand that this is supposed to be kick-ass High Lady of the Night Court Feyre, and she’s supposed to be super-cool and stuff, but she is still supposed to be Feyre. What I mean is that she’s still supposed to have her human heart, that’s what’s supposed to be special about her. She’s a high fae, with all the powers, but a human heart. In the beginning, I didn’t see too much of that. It was a lot of clever manipulations that always seemed to work out practically effortlessly. At one point in the book, Lucien says that she is a better friend to him than he is to her, but I’m not sure how true that is, considering that she used him in most of her manipulations. Need to make a point to Tamlin? Use Lucien. Need to make a point to Ianthe? Use Lucien. 

I didn’t hate all of their interactions, and I really loved the ones that felt genuine. But like, the scene where she put on a skimpy nightgown and pretended to have a nightmare just so Tamlin could find her with Lucien? What the hell was that? Like, kudoes to Lucien for trying to be a good friend but like, she didn’t need to do that. I get that she is still mad at Lucien for not helping her when he could have, for not standing up to Tamlin and for trying to bring her back.

 All I wanted when I went into this book was for Feyre and Lucien to bond again, be BFFS, have Lucien come over to the Night Court and for everyone to be happy. I love Lucien and I love their friendship. I wanted them to work out their issues. I didn’t sign on for all of this weird manipulation, because while I’m down for her fucking with the rest of the Spring Court, can she just not with Lucien. And sure, I might be playing favorites here, but Maas wrote Lucien to be such a conflicted, complex character, she made the readers love him, so to see him being used like this by the protagonist, just kinda sucks. 

Like I said before though, I did really enjoy the scenes where their friendship felt genuine. And I’m so SO glad that she risked messing up her escape plan to save him from Ianthe. And honestly, after all of that, I’m glad he questioned whether or not he knew who she was, because frankly Lucien, I wasn’t sure I knew who she was either.

I’m pretty sure Maas was trying to emphasize the changes in Feyre, portray her as a stronger character who is capable of making the hard calls, but there’s a balance, you know? And I’m not sure she managed it. 

It wasn’t just with Lucien. I mean, I care about Lucien the most because he’s one of my favorites, but what about that guard? The innocent one who was whipped for something Feyre manipulated him into doing. And she let it happen, for the sake of winning over the guards. That is a scene that I don’t completely disagree with, because THAT’S the kind of thing I think of when I think of having to make hard-calls in wartime situations, but just the way she thought about it. Feyre mentioned that she felt bad, but every other thought was something manipulative. Like how she went down to check on him. Maybe Feyre really was worried, maybe she really did do it because she cared, but in her mind she made  a point of mentioning that neither Tamlin nor Ianthe bothered to do so and it just so...manipulative. I expected to love the whole beginning, but I had a hard time loving it as much as I should have, because I tended to feel like I was reading about a different character. 

Something I LOVED was that Lucien came with her to the Night Court. Because that was something I wanted. And I love that he recognized the Night Court as the kind of court he thought the Spring Court was going to be, back when he first moved there. 

Also this book was funny. You might not think so, being as it’s about war, and maybe it isn’t AS funny as the other ones, but it has some good lines. Azriel, for example, was an absolute delight of sarcasm and dry wit. I loved any time any of the Night Court had to fly Lucien anywhere because they were always so stiff and uncomfortable, like men at the urinal in the public bathroom- Take care of business, look straight ahead. No eye contact, no conversation. 

I ADORED meeting the other courts. I would have loved to have seen Alis again, in the Summer Court, because I’m a little concerned about her sons in the attack. Also, Alis was just wonderful in the beginning, seeing through all of Feyre’s lies, and I just love her. Regardless, the other courts were wonderful. I’m thrilled that Tarquin no longer hates the Night Court, and Vivienne and Helion were both amazing. I love, love, LOVE that Helion has been trying to have a threesome with Azriel, Cassian and Mor. And I love that he’s Lucien’s real father because frankly, my poor little fox deserves better than Beron. 

Okay...now back to my issues. Can we talk about the sex? And how much there was, and just how unnecessary it felt? Maas got her start writing fanfiction, and while there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, that’s what most of these sex scenes felt like. Fanfiction sex scenes that are just there to keep your readers interested while you move the plot along. There were maybe 2 that needed to be there. And sure, there were sex scenes in the previous two books, but they felt needed. They were there for character development, relationship development. But Feyre and Rhysand are already in the relationship, and even if they have sex all the damn time the book doesn’t necessarily need to show us. I appreciate the sex scene when they first got back, and the one right before the war. Those felt important. The rest just felt like fan service. 

I feel like Maas is good at initiating relationships, but not so good at maintaining them. There were times when they felt like their initial chemistry was lacking a bit. Not often, but there were times, and they were usually followed by sex, as if she was aware of the flaw and attempting to fix it. Like, look, the can’t keep their hands off each other. That fixes everything, right? 

Just a little piece about Feyre being out of character, she brought Lucien to the night court and then basically just...left him there? She said she would show him around and then never did. Ever since Feyre and Rhys reunited it was almost as if anything that wasn’t Rhys, her sisters, or the Night Court didn’t really matter, and frankly that’s just a little annoying. 

You know what I wanted to see? Feyre in Velaris again, interacting with her subjects. Talk to the shop keepers, like the lady who made the food at the restaurant in the last book. Go out for a night, just Feyre, Mor, and Amren. Little things like that. And I know there is a war coming, but they had time. And don’t say there wasn’t room in the book, because if you took out some of those sex scenes, there would have been room y’all. 

I don’t know how I feel about the side pairings in this book. Any of them: Cassian and Nesta, Lucien and Elain, Mor and Azriel. I don’t know. 

In regards to Cassian and Nesta, I guess I just...can’t figure it out? And I was excited for this one too, because I could feel it in the last book. Nesta was still bitchy, but she was a softer sort of bitch. Just a little. After being thrown into the cauldron she seemingly lost any softness and she was just a bitch. Like... Amren was grumpy in a lovable way. Nesta was just an asshole. I tried so hard to like her but I had a lot of trouble, and I couldn’t really understand why Cassian was so in love. I could see him being attracted, see him thinking she was hot, see him flirting and trying to get a rise, but I don’t understand the adoration. 

Lucien and Elain. I don’t quite understand what Maas is trying to do here. On the one hand, she set us up for this pairing. She made them mates. But then she gave us that conversation about how Azriel and Elain would be better together. Throughout the story, characters have talked about the mating bond, and how it’s flawed. In that respect, I can appreciate her giving us an actual example of a mating bond that isn’t between the best possible candidates. What I don’t understand is why she would do that with Lucien. Yes, I am biased. I fully admit to it, and if you haven’t figured out that I love Lucien to tiny tiny little bits, then I don’t know what you’ve been reading. But even putting my own feelings aside, from a narrative standpoint it just doesn’t make sense to me. 

Hear me out. I’m not the only person who loves Lucien. I’m on Tumblr a lot guy, I know he’s pretty popular. He’s supposed to be. She’s made us love him, made him a conflicted and sympathetic character, made us someone we can root for. She’s given him so much pain, that when the mating bond clicked into place, I though “Ok, Lucien is going to get something good.” From a feminist standpoint I’m forced to object, because that puts Elain as a prize to be given to Lucien in return for his suffering, and women should be more than that, but I feel that the implication is that they will be good for each other. I wanted to watch him help her accept her new fae self, to watch them slowly fall in love, and in the end they’re both happy. I don’t know how much I care about Elain being happy (I’ll get into that later) but that’s what I wanted. What I got was something completely different.

I like that Elain doesn’t care about him at first. That would have been unrealistic, and I wasn’t expecting her to. but I wanted them to bond. And it’s not strictly because they’re mates, but because I find it hard to believe that with the exponential amount of shit that Maas has heaped upon Lucien already, she would also give him a dysfunctional mating bond. Like I’m so glad that she wants to show one that doesn’t work, but she could have gone about it in so many ways. Cassian could have found his mate, for example, but maybe she is married and he’s in love (for some reason) with Nesta. Something. Anything. But from a literary standpoint, I just don’t think it’s a good move to make the readers love a character, and then never give him anything good. AND THEN, at the end. there’s Feyre nudging Elain and encouraging her to ask Lucien to stay in Valaris and like... is Feyre in support of this pairing now? Why? What changed fro the scene where she was questioning the mating bond, because Elain and Azriel seemed like such a good match? What is this? That’s an actual question, because I legitimately don’t understand. 

I am interested to see how HELION BEING HIS FATHER!!! plays out. I’m super interested in that, and I was hoping it would come into play later (Psst. It never does) (That’s also something we’re going to discuss later)

Anyway, let’s talk about Mor and Azriel, shall we? I love them each, and shipped them, and thought they were going to be a thing. And yeah, I couldn’t quite figure out why Mor was dragging her feet, but then she dropped that truth bomb and just...wow. I’ve gotta say, I didn’t see that coming. And you know what, I’m totally in support of it. One of the biggest criticisms I’ve heard about Maas is the lack of LGBTQ characters in her books, and I guess she heard it too because this book is full of them. There was one of the high lords (I don’t have my book in front of me, I can’t remember which one. Not the ice one, or Helion, or Beron, or Tamlin, or Tarquin, or Rhys. I think it was the High Lord of the Dawn Court?) with his male mate, and there was mention of a woman and her wife in a story someone was telling about past events (I feel like they’re important characters but I’ve binge-read this book exactly once, during finals week. I read th end at like, 2 AM. I don’t remember this bit) and then there is Mor. So yeah, its a step forward in regards to representation.

What I don’t appreciate is Mor leading Azriel on for 500 goddamn years. It was pretty late at night by the time I got to this portion of the book, and I need to re-read it, so I don’t quite remember her exact reasons for never telling everyone that she’s more into women, but she straight up said she knows that her friends wouldn’t care. And if that’s the case, if she told no one else, she should have at least told Azriel. He’s going to be hurt whatever happens (though he may potentially move on with Elain???) but if you love him at all, you don’t let him pine for 500 years. I still love Mor to bits and want her to find the lady of her dreams, but come on. That’s not being a good friend. Even if you don’t tell him the exact reason, at least be honest with him, and break it to him that it’s never going to happen. Just do something. 

Getting back to Nesta and Elain, however. I’m trying to bond to them, but I just can’t. Elain is perpetually made out to be this good, sweet person but like...she isn’t? Not really. Both Nesta and Elain treated Feyre like crap, and I don’t feel like that was something that was ever fully resolved. Like...yeah, they started to in ACOMAF, and I thought for sure that it was going to continue here. And it kind of did, with Nesta (a little), but Elain? Everyone just loves and protects her and it’s as if shenever did anything wrong. I love that her sisters are getting to be part of the night court, and I love that Feyre is loyal to them, but I just wish that someone would acknowledge that they never really made up for their behavior. Not in my opinion anyway. 

And while we’re on the subject of Feyre’s dad, what was even the point of him? I hated that whole little situation to be honest, where Lucien just goes off to find the Swan Queen (I can’t remember her name, and I lent my book to a friend) I guess because Maas got sick of writing him? I don’t know, that’s what it felt like. Anyway, I was expecting him to show up in the final hour with this awesome army, and his stupid family is forced to watch him be awesome. I just imagined that in my head and it was glorious. But that wasn’t what happened at all. Instead, the army shows up and Fey’re is like, “Lucien?” and is told “Oh him? No. I mean, he was there, he hurried us along. But the real credit goes to YOUR FATHER OUT OF FUCKING NOWHERE!” Like, 1, why even give Lucien that task in the first place? I don’t mean Rhysand, but Maas, why do that? It just reads like an obvious red herring, something to throw us off the trail, only she didn’t need to do that because I don’t think anybody was on that trail. I certainly wasn’t anyway. If you’d ask me who was going to show up in the final battle, ‘Feyre’s deadbeat father” wasn’t even a contender. 

Nevertheless, when he did show up I was amazed. I was totally there for it guys. her father finally fucking did something, he’s helping. I was expecting there to be some big reunion. Some moment. Some PURPOSE. But like...there wasn’t. Lucien COULD have been the one to bring the Swan Queen (I wish I remembered her name) for all the difference it would have made, because her father didn’t do a damn thing. He was there for two seconds, got held hostage, and then died. I don’t think he ever even said anything. There was NO PURPOSE to him. If she wanted Elain to kill the king, she could have simply had him fighting Nesta, Nesta is overpowered somehow, and Elain steps in. Like...there was no point to their father, and what I’m pretty sure was meant to be a touching, emotional scene, just came off as a little gimmicky to me. 

AND WHILE I’M COMPLAINING (I swear to God, I really did like this book) What’s up with the deaths in this book? Let me explain.

I’ve never read to the end of a Sarah J Maas series before, so I didn’t know what kind of author she was. Was she the kind to kill off major characters? The kind that doesn’t kill off anyone? Well...she’s actually somewhere in the middle: She kills people, but never makes it matter. Which was...disappointing.

She killed the Suriel. She killed Rhysand. She killed Feyre’s father (What even was his name?) She kind-of-killed-but-didn’t-really- Amren. And ultimately, not one of those deaths mattered. In fact, only 2 of them stuck, and neither one needed to happen. Rhys came back to life. Amren became fae. Only the Suriel and Feyre’s father actually died, and I feel like their deaths were just in there to say someone died.

Just judging from what it feels like, I think Maas wanted to have the war be meaningful, and risky, and for the stakes to be high. Like in Game of Thrones, when anyone could die, so you’re perpetually worried about everyone you care about. Only she couldn’t bring herself to kill her darlings, so she killed characters she wasn’t as attached to, like the POOR SURIEL! 

I loved the Suriel. I lived for his friendship with Feyre. And here’s the thing: He didn’t need to die. It wasn’t really a motivator for anything. It was just sad, and I think it was Maas attempting to raise the stakes in this war. But she didn’t want to kill any of the Night Court. Except Rhys, but she brought him back and honestly that was so disappointing.

Not about Rhys. I love Rhys to tiny little pieces. I cried at his death, even as I failed to believe he was going to stay dead, because it was just so sad. No, what I’m disappointed in is how low the staks actually felt. My favorite series (Game of Thrones, The Farseer Trilogy, etc...) kill off beloved people all the time, so the danger feels more real. And it hurts, and I hate it, but I think the constant panic adds something to the reading experience. At no point during this book did I feel that, because I just didn’t believe she would kill off anyone beloved. And aside from my LOVE FOR THE SURIEL, she didn’t.  

That being said, while I feel like the Suriel’s dath wasn’t quite as traumatic for the main character as, say, one of her friends would have been, and it was a bit of a cop out, IT DEVASTATED me. I love the Suriel so so much! FyreXSuriel is my forever bro-TP and to have him die. To admit that she was spcial, and kind The Suriel was a dreamer..... He never needed to die, dammit!

Fuck, Amren wasn’t even dead. It would have been sad, because she would have forgotten her friends, but it felt right. It was an awesome scene, when she is set free to take her rightful form, she kicks Hyburn ass. I love Amren, but I didn’t want her to come back, because it was sad that she would forget them, but that also made it a more powerful scene. As happy as I am that she isn’t gone, I feel like the fact that she isn’t...cheapens it.

Also, wtf was with her relationship with Valdrin (IS that his name? Probably not. You know who I mean.) That was like....left field. Maas loves to hook up all of her character but they don’t all need to be hooked up. Amren seemed pretty content with just her friends, and I know there was that line about how he taught her something about love but like...there are more than one type of love. I’m not actually that bothred by it, it just didn’t seem like it needed to happen. 

Now Tamlin... What to say about Tamlin. I couldn’t never get a feel for him. He’s an asshole, but a decent guy, but an asshole, but a traitor, but not really? Idk. I was actually pretty happy with the portrayal of Tamlin, and he had every right to be mad at Feyre for destroying his court. Actually, in retrospect, why did she destroyed his court. Like...I know it was so he couldn’t team up with Hyburn, but that didn’t actually hurt Hyburn at all and backfired spectacularly. Couldn’t any of the centuries old warlords have maybe forseen this turn of events? Maybe?

Finally, all the loose threads. So many loose threads. What happens next? Who ends up with whom? What are all th new chracters going to do? Who is the mysterious magician in control of the curse on Swan Queen? What is the point of these characters. Aside from the obvious, defeating Hyburn thing, most issues wren’t resolved. And I know that this is because she is continuing the series, just following a different character, but I still find it irritating. Even if it isn’t the end of the series, it’s the end of the trilogy. I can’t even use the loose ends to determine who the continuation will be about because there are so many that at this point it could be about anyone. Thats probably just a personal issue, but I found that annoying. 

Tl;DR

I liked this book a lot. No, really, despit my PARAGRAPHS worth of issues, I really did enjoy it. I did. I just also had a lot of issues, mostly with characterization, the overload of unessecary sex scenes, some aspects of the plot that just did’t need to be there (Her dad) and all the loose threads at the end. Overall, I find that the whole thing feels a little rushed, which is crazy to say for a 700 (aprox) page book but...it did. I think she could have spread this out over 2 books and had more time for characterization and the like.

Overall though, I did enjoy this book. It was great to see the characters again, and even as I was complaining, I was hooked until the very end. 

Rereadability: 4/5

Rated: 3.5/5

[haeroniel-doliet]

dwhos here for another raaaaaant (vent)? topic is friendships but lets see where thisll go! waheyy let us insert the read more. 

kayokay okay welcome youre gonna regret this; if you havent read through my shitty vents before prepare for ilegibility and thought trains going all over the place and references to things and people youll never know okay great you got off this train? cool gives me more power to crash it see ya. 

okay where do we even begin, oh lets go wild and push out a couple topics first. one is; how shit has improved being uni and how everything seems awful brighter now; why it hasnt actually improved and im lonely as ever; how lonely have i always been; but am i really lonely or just think i should have more bc expectations; why im like this and cannot form relationships

lets start with a bit of a history dive eh eh this is what youre here for, me oversharing my life to nobody thatll read it but come on anyway bc one of the reasons i even fucking do these is because; ironically enough; i have no friends to vent this to!! nobody who actually gives a shit!! and even if they did i have a lot more words and confused thoughts to write out here that would just be really mean to inflict on someone else. 

ok so, classically as a kid ive almost grown as an only child, obviously have a big bro of 7 yrs older that i never formed more of a bond to than the one we share by sharing a family. aka we barely talk. but like i know he doesnt hate me i guess? ok im not gonna go there. its a weird mess. but. all childhood was mostly me playin by myself bc our family friends had kids his age not mine, and we moved around a bunch too and people came in and out, i guess i made ‘best friends’ pretty easily, but none stuck around longer than a year maybe 2-3. bc thats how life was and as a child i guess it wasnt a bother bc hey, let me be friends with everyone! oh but protective parents also mean mostly on my own. thats cool. im totally mature to be sitting at the adults table (there was no kids table) well early at 6-7. mhmmm 

lemme return to finland and start being an early awkward preteen! oh ill be friends with everyone! oh. everyone already has their best friend or best friend group? oh i get left on the playground alone ‘playing the dog at home while they go shopping okay playground games were lame but whaddyou do’ aight cool im okay with this theyre all my friends and im gona draw you all to make friends and nobody like actually bullies me or thinks im weird i guess, anyway school work. oh okay ill make best friends w my neighbour bc were only 7 days apart in age and thats crazy!! i guess we also make friends with lil girls next door bc were 10- 12 and thats what u do. sure. i feel rather criticised by my so called bff bc. we are not on the same wavelength, i feel dumb, im never as funny even if they are hilarious to me, i do gross things w out thinking (imagine having to be told by your friend that you need to buy deodorant when you never thought abt it) and like a bunch of other stuff like not picking up on social cues they dont wanna hang out with me or they dont think looking at funny pictures on the phone is fun... oh okay i mean i guess theyre way better than me but were still friends right? uh yeah. 

okay lets take a gap and go to uk, oh wow, SHIT people actually miss me at home?? im making friends with all these kids in my neighbourhood! oh i can be like the movies where they go down the street and hang out and have movienights awesome! who this is the best! fucking halloween w other 13 yr olds?? having hobbies w them? walking to the bus together and home together?? mad. wild. friends. lets ignore the school consisting of pricks and the only time in my school career ive gotten bullied. like classic bullying. pens thrown at me, butt touched, skirt lifted, name called, teasing my ‘naivety’ (do you work at the dildo factory? haahah. are you frigid? would you have sex with me if i bought you a burger?) oh 13-14 yr olds....  ok no its a wild really good and really shit year combined into an okay year. let me just return home and promise to keep in touch and really very barely keep in touch with any of them. thanks instagram for enabling minimal contact and keeping up w each other. 

(also back then made my first post cryin to tumblr oh why cant i have tumblr besties like everyone else seems to, please someone be my internet buddy! lucky enough actually talked to Amelia a lot, though...... 14 yr old and abt 20 smth. but we played minecraft together and made two shit youtube videos of our competition participation like. you were a good friend to me. never pushed it too far and i really liked having a mature friend. such a shame you seem to have disappeared off the internet (anywehre i know how to reach you) bc hell, i would not have been opposed to meeting you finally irl at fuckin mcm like i always kinda wanted to bc i saw ppl online do, anyway i hope ur life is good and thanks) 

kay so, finally back home weve all moved past the best friend cliques okay okay my class is actually fuckin rad like whaddu you know i dont have to aggressively swear and avoid hugs anymore (self defence from that shitty year) but actually have all these wholesome friends, ofc there were stronger relationships between some people but! i was included. i felt good. it was good. i figured out this being everyones friend thing. im a proper teen now eh. oh but i still had my best friend (briefly moirail) maxx! talking everyday at least for least half an hour if not more, skype calls... watching movies together... sending shit to canada and that one mail i got from you and planning so hard a visit there, even if it felt unrealistic. maybe even spending too much time on you and not making as many connections to my class friends as i could have, u know. stuck on my phone to always be available to you. making you more important. dunno how often id talk thru a crisis in class or however late at night bc, i wanted to be there for you! i loved being needed and being an important piece in moving thru tough times. sure detrimental maybe irl but i was being too much online anyway which i still do but were not there yet. besides, that relationship has had a bit of a roller coaster in the past nearly4 yrs (is it more?) shit that started from an rp and then slowly talking more to being moirails to being the tightest best friends “momma” and all, to your irl friends breaking it up slowly, then a boyfriend really took oyur time and we didnt talk daily lt alone ever get to call bc... shit. okay but i was friends with your boyfriend and though i saw it wouldnt last i was okay with it, like right cool thats teh boyfriend and im the bestfriend. im still involved. yeah man. oh you broke up and now talk more to me! fuck yeah. ill take your side in this regardless. lets get close again even if its not quite the same. i try join your cosplay groups though i cant help feeling me joining killed them, and i followed some you were passionate on! drew all those rad characters of you and your friends to feel adequate and appreciated. then you ad your drama, hated this kid and i wasnt even rly involved. all of a sudden, tight friends, oh i get to be in a chat w you both and a rad other person i had a mild crush on! rad. hell yeah. ive never been in a groupchat like this! this is great i love it. and the vikings came up. and your new friend left bc i was a cis girl and he has problems and could not deal with me not agreeing with his shit argument. (about my countrys history!!)  anyway. they make their groupchat, groupchats die. oh. great i ruined it. okay. i no longer know whats in your life.... oh youre best friends now? i kind of have to bug you to even get added to your ‘friends page’ as dumb as it is. i get knocked right aside as hes the bff and the greatest sweetest person ever even though he still seems like a major dick and even your cool older friend agrees with me..... a load of bullshit and weve drawn apart to barely talking once a week and ive still sent you many gifts bc i think its great! until.  yeah i wasnt gonna send anymore till you promised to set me up with cosplay pieces for christmas and i freak out to send you smth in return (never got more than measurements from me, and due to shit timing i didnt even get to be there for you opening the presents which fuckin ruined it) but whats this? a year on im fucking coming to america and conviced my parents to also go to canada???? fucking insane. still we dont talk much, the plans werent like i expected but i met you and the cool older friend! amazing! it happened! youre real! i brought you more gifts and i got pictures with you and its, it doesnt feel real still. i keep the fucking bus ticket i took from toronto to guelph to remind me. sure i didnt like get much from you back and thats kay different monetary situations and all and yeah. wild. oh but we still barely talk after? no its ok i get it youre not that good with texting people anymore (even if you kept texting you bff while i was there.... like. maybe he was having a crisis i can understand but... please you barely talk to me anymore and now amazingly im there and. you still talk to him a lot. okay...)  ‘ew were not dating were just best friends!” a month later becomes ‘this is my boyfriend and bff i love him more than anything else in the world” ‘oh but hes absolutely a huge mean prick who is super self centered and manipulative,’ and i guess you needed to feel needed like i did and dedicated everything to this shitstorm of a human but. okay... weve drifted apart further, till i demanded thru to your discord (not even active anywhere else) and try damn hard to still talk to you. but its just not genuine. i wanna talk abt important shit to me and worries about myself, but life is difficult on you and i dont feel like you do the same to me so i cant. is it no longer part of our relationship? i guess) 

anyway chapter; who the fuck cares; why i feel i can open up to internet friends more than irl ones;;coming up, the other irl exploits after 9th grade. 

internet friends are based on talking over text and emotions that come up in the moment and contacting them whenever. with irl people, ive always set a sort of boundary that like. our quota of talking is irl. i might message you online but its strictly related to irl things or smth we discussed irl, u feel? even then i mostly never message anyone (thank the two friends in uni ive talked to more than anyone else) but still. theyre people i will unload burdens to IRL when im sitting with them for hours talking about our fucked up relationships with things and life and thats beautiful. but its not consistent through life? like rn all this shit. i cant just go and vent tto you (i guess i could but who knows if youre mad busy and needa be up early tomorrow or are already sleeping or have other shit on your mind, let alone would be offednede by me being so explicit abt me feelings w friendship u being my friend.) anyway, internet friends have broken that and sometimes i talk abt dumb shit ive seen that remind me of them or i wanna get a reaction from someone about and sometimes this bullshit. but more recently, (my discord has fuckin 3 ppl) i cant. i mean. idk if ever could and now theyre just being better w themselves but i cant? Ana tries being a friend and a good online friend but. i cant take it any deeper than like, look how cool this is! yeah that is cool bc theyre exhausted and dont wanna deal w others bullshit and dont want me to deal with theirs bc theyre online to avoid it. all of which i understand but. its kind of hard to deal with. like. youre currently only passionate about your gays in southpark. two things i dont care bout jack shit (actually hate south park idec) and then your response to me just like contemplating quizzes or the way i felt in the mirror at ballet or like smth that comes up to me when im talking abt normal shit, i get an ok, i dk how to respond or, i dont really care. and wildly i love the honesty, and glad to have lines drawn for me when i dont see them, but it always feels like a smack in the face regardless. having stepped out of line and not having realised and stopped before they had to tell me to stop. like it was w that old neighbour bff. i could never tell when she wanted me to leave her alone or smth bc i was having fun! but shed be tired of it and it just. always hurt realising i was too wrapped up in emotion and myself to realise i was annoying or overstepping boundaries and im still terribly self concious about it bc i feel terrible being a bad person like that! i wanna be the perfect friend.ugh. 

the other people on my discord are maxx and the cool older canadian dan, who still is rly cool and admirable. and i feel bad. bc when i first got the dumb thing i talked to him like adults! yea! talked abt maxx and a bit of college and a bit of life and like. it was good! he said good night friend <3 which is like!!! the most wild and exciting thing it fuckin exhilirates me to be called friend in converstion like please fuck validate me being your friend!!!! (god isnt that sad and basically gonna sum up this whole thing) anyway recently im sure things have been sad or busy or hes just that kinda person but my last 4? attempts for convo have gotten no response, even when hes online (supposedly when its ok to message him) and i no longer want to say anything unless its smth im sure id get a response to. bc then im just buggering and annoying the poor guy and become annoying. (even if hes said he doesnt mind and thinks im a great person. i hope) and maxx u know. i can message, and i do, and now more than in a rly long time i- oh my god i get responses!! still they cut short. theres no, hey sorry i dont care or, hey i gotta go, or hey i dont wanna talk abt this, just. no more responses. and i guess my conversational skills are rusty and i havent written anything thatd get an easy response from them! (but stilll, should talking to friends rly require you to formulate conversation starters and talk in a way that doesnt provoke too much but is just easy enough for them to respond briefly and with no investment to make talking to me easy as possible? idk even iguess? maybe im shit at having friends and thats why i have none. shush.)

okay lets head back to irl. high school was shitty weird thing, around 10 ppl in class and i only made friends w 3? got bullied for a good couple days on a trip by 1 and another class person. terrible trying to make friends and keep friendly with everyone in a tiny school but i managed and alls good, and even still, just made friends with the most compatible people, not sure if id have been friends with otherwise. one a nervous wreck of a boy that the teacher tried to like ‘ship us together with’ but while he had a girlfriend and we managed to keep conversation joking and chill (as it should be and i made good sure of it) it was fine, he still like i a very girlfriend oriented person and i guess doesnt chat much online w other girls? im cool with it, a couple snap updates on life here an there its whatever. youre an anxious person anyway and we dont always like. work as friends. another was from japan, who id decieded to make a friend if only to have a friend in japan to visit and to teach me a bit (and teach us to make food! okay im so glad we were friends) and at school it was great enough. helped her get confident in speaking english and correcting work and sitting together at lunch and hanging out outside of school on the rare occasion schedules lined up was fab! i actually am gonna miss her. even if we werent close. and i feel bad bc idk if she wants to keep in contact, and i really suppose i should just aim to write her like a text once a month or so to keep in touch thatd be good, cover that. keep up english and so on. maybe (ps old friends from childhood pop up every now and then on social media and have the rare chat which is quite nice actually! even if im not active or keep them updated, some realtionships i like to leave lukewarm and not hateful but smth thats easy to catch up with if opportunity comes up. i actually can do that quite a lot, make good conversation and feel friendly and make acquaintances. i just. have no idea how to push them to proper active friendships (it just happens sometimes by accident) and no absolute clue how to make htat into a very close “bff we share everything i can message you whenever” kinda relationship classic media like facebook portrays idk. do i need it? i guess not but i kinda wanna know what thats like bc relationships are not a thing for me. lets make that its own paragraph) oh but also on old school friends my frustration of a few days, just. a friend that is the easiest to keep in touch with bc they intitiate and have time and want to do things, but god its annoying and i dont like them. our humours dont align and i feel judged and criticised and like. idk. dont feel great w them. theres moments of like genuine “im glad i met you bc i would have switched schools otherwise” from her and a jar of reminders why were friends and some good memories, but its just. she drains me. and i dont wanna talk deep w her. and though to some other friend it seems like we are heckin dating in secret bc of how comfortable we are and how much we end up communicating to organise things, uhm were not. i wouldnt date her ever im sorry. struggling to stay friends and have it fade to the background amicably before i do or say smth wrong and fuck it up. anyway its just bugging me and i hate it bc i feel bad for her and bad for myself and its just a mess that i dont wanna deal with that mucheven if i talked my parents ear off about it.

ok intermission to parents. in a way no. no fuck they are not my friends. my mom will never be my best friend and i dont think they want that either,being classic parents and allbut i guess, sometimes when i get past the ugh youll never understand youre so god damn annoying!! teenage phase my brain still has, i do talk to them about a lot of things that upset me, bc unlike friends, they cant decide not to care about me or stop talking to me u know. i have vented about shit practices that have really tested my self worth and lack of emotions (remind sobbing like a bitch with a mud covered ass walking home from a terrible skating practice and falling in the rain) and mom comforting thru it. mind telling them all the pent up feelings abt flatmates and analysing them to her like”well shes rly nice and we talk abt this and this but i cant help but feel she doesnt really wanna talk to me and also they didnt wanna hang out and they keep leaving their dishes and told me to clean mine but they did this and that and....” i never talk about internet friends or a lot abt other things bc. not relevant and i dont think id hear what i wanna hear. but im kinda glad i still can do that and vent to them abt like real life things and things that upset me even if its not exhaustive and i cant do everything and they dont fill the gap of this “true best friend” i have emulated. but thats a point of why im not rly lonely. bc i have outlets to a lot of these needs that im not missing it all . just dont have it all in one person or even a small group of ppl.

wht next. oh remind me to come back to group things online. anyway lets give uni a try. so weve talked abt my two impressive friends irl who take the same course as me and kind of have dragged me thru and have gone to hobbies w me and hung out w me for hours and actually come to visist me in london an been cool? yeah theyre pretty rad people and very smart and im glad theyre in my life. even if w al the ranting im not comfortable messaging them all hours of the night to talk abt all my insecuritites and thoughts and problems u know. and one is dating and both have flatmate drama and other groups of friends and tho theyre friends between each other we dont like. make the ultimate trio which is why were not moving in together ( also reminder to being called the 3 musketeers w my high school two gals bc we were seein kinda doing everything together (in school) by me sticking us all together with my “i need to feel validated with friends” glue. that was quite nice.) 

but like in uni, ive said it to a lot of people. its amazing. ive never been happier knowing this many people. i dont make drama, i almost never get included in any drama so all i get are friends!!! and having flatmates, and flatmates friends, and class mates, and people ive just met , and hobby friends i just knew so many people thatd be friendly to me and even smile at me in passing it feels great man. having multiple group hobbies and socials to go to (even if i dont drink much and its not like were partying) it feels good man. i want more of this next term now that i have no”i dont know anyone there” excuses. god i love it. i love waving to people i know, i love getting a ride from someone to go hang out t another friends place and people knowing me by name and caring about my presence! (though not too much, like nobody would miss me i guess, but i still have more of a place to carve and i cant say for sure that they did not notice me missing) anyway archery has been terrbily wholesome and one of the best things ive invested time into and im sad some of the happy faces there are leaving this summer....... and sure none of these friends have gone even to proper hugging levels, let alone talking together without a group of people or god, messaging privately if not strictly club stuff (ok theres like, a couple, one that im delighted about and cant wait to hang w in finland even tho theyre cooler than me)  but u know, same problem w. hm were friends within this hobby group. were not like. actually friends outside of this and wouldnt hang outside of it. uh. yeah. dont rly have that many that kinda friends..... just 2 in fact. ill work on that.... 

side note, i try joining in online groups like mxrp discords, and an odd skype chat for homestuck cosplayers. but its kinda the worst. i dont mind observing and reading in and commenting in my head and rarely actually participating tho nobody knows who i am, but like. nobody knows who i am or cares if im there at all. and its kind of a not great feeling. im not needed or wanted here. they just dont mind me being there u know. idk wht to do with those feelings. i dont really wanna make myself obnoxiously present and make people remember and want to talk to me and actually become immersed in it, bc these dont seem like that great people idk. i guess im too  ‘mature’ to just go omg i love you an all that. 

anyway lets dive into hmmmmmm  why am i still lonely? funny question eh. its because i have no consistent close relationships with anyone. have i ever? maxx was closest but i guess nawh here we are. i can get close to u in a night of just talking for hours but. if it doesnt carry through consistently does it count? i have a couple people to message when im delighted abt smth (heck even post to snapchat to get those lukewarm friendships to be reminded of me) and i have my parents to be sad to about a certain category of things that i share w them (like hobby frustrations and friends theyve met frustrations, and some body upset) i have this hunk of friends in uni i can hang out and chill with and will continue making better friends with gladly. im not an isolated herrmit (all the time) nor do i think im socially despicable. im just. normal. online ive felt more and more as much as i spend my entire day online w all these things im not an internet person??im not always posting on social media, im not always talking to 10 ppl at once, im not writing or creating media, im not consuming other than youtube actually, (like i dont watch shows u knw) , all i do is rp when i muster the strength and hang out lukewarm on tumblr posting rants and reblogging pretty and fun things, not getting involved much. not a fan of anything, not obsessed w anything, not overtly gay ( i dont even know what i am but girls are pretty and sex and relationships get gross as soon as you add me into the picture) and not an exciting personality. hell. i currently fuckin like ballet and archery and like. thats about it. (also hahahhahh catch me going down the abc list of hobbies, aikido, archery, badminton (w archery ppl) ballet. what next. cricket? crochet... cooking? dance (ballet) fencing gaming (hah no), hockey? ice skating ( im already doing it) like look at me anyway shh) im not trans and i dont feel gay enough to fit in (what a rant that is, but im just ignoring it for now) im so boring. too reational, too uninvolved, too unopinionated/have an opinion but prefer to keep quiet and at peace. i guess this is what normal people are like off the internet. and ill just deal with it. but how normal people fill the gap are these ridiculously idealistic bff groups that i clearly dunno how to achieve, and uh. relationships.

so i can foresee a future where an imaginative foggy figure will care about me so much and want to hear all these rants and talk about all my wild thoughts with me and love me and remind me of it and be happy around me and think im funny and make me feel good and loved and better than i am and be someone i love being aorund constantly and wont have to feel self concious with or like i need to be putting on the front that is not gross and is a lovely sociable person. like i doubt they even exist. the kind im specifically thinking off thatll make life a sunset gold and unbelievably happy and good. ill save that sunset gold feeling to my dream future, one in which im happy with my body and personality and have that shadowy figure that makes me all whole and better than im alone and all these pets and animals that i love and love me and plants and color and art and whimsical decorations and yknow. i see it in my head. it feels real good. i kinda wanna see if itll actually happen. it just. it feels so fuzzy and warm and i would love for that actually be real and look back on this and be like. i have it. everythings complete. we can dream. i might get it when im grey and old and all alone but found smth that makes it that good. anyway im not discounting that there might be ‘the one’ in that future, the perfect one. but. i still doubt in the present when or if ill ever meet them let alone if i do htat anything would happen. ive never ever dated anyone or even come close to it. i dont understand how people just, end up in relationships or almost always have one, and i guess im not trying to bc idk if i want it-  idk if im ready for it, but its a weird one ill tell u. i feel with this perfect imaginary figures all these bad feelings would go away and i could talk about them and someone help me fix them and become more and better than my thoughts. but i dont wanna look for one. i dont wanna experiment in relationships so that im ready and wont fuck it up when the one comes bc, its horrendous and stressful and im gross! im not dating material. nah. and obviously nobodys tried to date me so were all on the same page. honestly once i sort out the other things wrong w me, i might just get to therapy for this shit. like. why are relationships such a shit concept to me and like why and how do i deal with it without just saying fuck it relationshipss are not for me. i have no doubt ill keep making connections and friends throughout my life in all different random places, but im actually... kinda afraid none will stick around. if i cant form consistent strong friendships theyre al gonna fade away and ill have nobody when i need someone. having that one solid person would really help bc theyre there thick and thin i guess aparently. i have myself, but considering what a mess i am idk if thats enough at all. i think i should change myself an awful lot though before a relationship could happen. like. nobody wants a barely showering fat chubby in an awkwardway terrible skinned messy sad blabbery person. like. just a gross one. i gotta become so much better before i can even consider letting someone past to get this close i guess. i guess. these feelings are really not settling here and i feel off the rocker. like unsettled and uneasy. also i need to pee which is rly not helping feel less gross. that and my hair is nasty greasy bc rather than take a shower at a reasonable time i did.... nothing. and then i started writing this an hour, two hours ago? more? idk. 

kay then, we have reflected briefly while i was away on how fat and ugly i am and how hopeless considering ive been trying to finish a knitting project for my baby cousin and start drawing again or even just playing my old pokemon game (yknow summer vacay) things in the past few days. nawh. havent. even more productively i should have done actual exercise to build my stamina and make faster improvements in ballet and actually try and tackle the fat and ugly feeling in 8 weeks (but that like... requires diet control... which is hard?) and like o u know. finishing my fucking university course ive lied to everyone abt? ok lets be real i have passed the year and can move into the next w the credits i have and passed all the mandatory classes. but. i want/ need to pass this class. and i already forked out 30 pounds hopefully correctly to apply for a resubmission (more like first submission) of all these projects and its hard. considering in my hirearchy of shit that needs to be done (easiest most necessary first)  i havent even reached the first ladder of like washing my nasty hair. the ladder includes all the above projects and at the end of it is like completing that course (needs to be done by the end of the month u kno bitchh. u dont know how long its gonna take you cannot leave it to the last few days. and this other bulshit course idk if ill even get credit for completing late and dont know if i care but i guess i gotta do it anyway 

basically i just wanna d ie. thatd be nice. id not have to feel fat and stupid and worthless and discomfrot in my own skin and just. nasty and numb but bad all over. okay im really not feeling great bout now. but thanks to all the above weve realised i have nobody to talk to whod talk me out of these feelings and comfort me (let alone if im capable as a person to accept that considering theyd have to be very convicing to get past me going “mhmmm but youre wrong” ) 

anyway this has been terribland i havent achieved anything but feelin kinda bad. we have covered that ive never had proper friendships and that might be detrimental to me ever forming the kind of close companionship i seem to be missing, however at least i can make easy friends briefly and as such know im not a terrible person thru and thru that people hate. i just dont know how to cross that nd not be horribly annoying or how to find those kind of people bc shit and bullshit. do i need it? no i guess ill be fine. would it make my life better and more worth it? probably. id hope so. i mean it seems pretty important in human existence for there to be so damn many songs and movies and aboslutely everything focused around it. 

anyway. i know nobodys gonna finish reading this and i kinda hope i dont read back on this either. my cringey diary moments hidden under a readmore on tumblr. whats sadder.... tsk who wants to figure out how many words this all is? 

mhmmmm mmm 7 pages on word and 6059 words. damn gurl. no FUCKIN WONDer nobody wants to talk to me about my thoughts and feelings when they just erupt. bc even by erupt i mean a mild discomfort that im trying to pin down to a cause and an actual feeling so and so unsuccessfully.