#being told gay is wrong

[remembertheplunge]

Sweetwater's

March 4, 1988.  Friday

My God, whadda day. I never did make it to Sacramento. Instead, a drink turned LONG.

I hankered for a man. Not really the prettiest man, but, a man. Sam.  Who thumped me along side the head with a bible and then said—maybe—and “can we just be friends?” I said “yea”. Frankly, oddly, I’d prefer it—I’ll keep the LUST in my heart. I came out to Sam  at Sweetwaters. DAs were every where.It was a good bye party for one of them. RISK—SMILE.

Sam  said “gay is bad”. I said “Don’t try to save me.”

He attacked from many angles.

I emerge content and happy.

If the DAs or Sam  know or tell, (that I’m gay) what care I? Great night and life.

End of entry

Margin note to above:

June 15, 1990

The man at the Town House Bar asked  me “Are you happy with Life?” “Yes” I said, really feeling “yes”.

He said “I am, too.” really feeling “too." 

End of margin note

Notes 9/13/2024:

From what I recall about Sam (not his real name), he was very religious. Apparently he was taught in his church that gay was evil. And so, if I am remembering correctly, Sam told me that my being gay was wrong and evil on more than one occasion. This was despite the fact that I believe he, himself was gay. I haven’t heard from or of Sam  for decades now.

The Town House Bar was a gay bar in Sacramento, California. What the man at the Town House was asking me was “Are you happy being an out gay man?”

The DAs were Deputy District Attorneys. I was a Deputy Public Defender in 1988, so I would have known and worked closely with most or all of the DA’s in attendance.

RJ Sweetwaters  restaurant opened in the mid 1980’s in Modesto, California on 9th street. It closed in 2002 and the building  later burned down. It’s just a gravel lot now. 

I drive by that lot often on my way in and out of town and still see my  1986 good bye party taking place there. I was leaving the Public Defender’s office after working there two years.  Judges, DAs and Public Defenders came to the party. The office gave me a brief case as a good bye present which I still have.

I returned to the Public Defender's office in 1987, only to be fired in 1997 largely because on my return I had come out as gay and let people know  that I was working with and giving support to men living and dying wit AIDS. In 1997, there was no good bye party. No brief case good bye gift. . Just a boot out of the door. And, an unending story to tell. 

[namelessprince]

its funny how the only thing from the undersea that gill seems to be unable to let go of is the idea that he has to be the hero

[patron-saint-of-lesbeans]

‘Why are you Side B? Why do you hate yourself so much? Just be Side A and stop hurting yourself; God wouldn’t want this for you.’ <- you sound like my bigoted uncle talking about trans people.

[marshmellowtea]

spreading my fem chris propaganda again. to me he's so born to be a girl's guy, forced to try and comply to his father's standards of toxic masculinity instead coded

[pettytiredandjewish]

Y’all- I swear these people have too much time on their hands…

(Thank HaShem for my sister who warned me about this) I was on my way home from Starbucks to drop something off when I started hearing chanting up ahead (and when I mean chanting it was so fucking scary and had neon- nazi vibes). These ass holes were right by my building (and over at the park)- chanting about how queers and trans people are pedos and how we all need to be saved. (I was also told by someone who was walking my way that they’ve been following/harassing people). I had one guy (the one who’s looking up at me) go on about how gays should not be around kids and that we are all pedos- how I need to be saved ( I told him that I was Jewish and did not need to be saved- he then told me well since I was Jewish, I really needed saving or I would burn in hell lol) had this other guy, who was carrying bag pipes go off on how he’s only protecting the kids from the gays and drag queens ( I then told him that the only thing that kids need protection is from him and his cult). So yeah that was a thing…

[doctorwhoisadhd]

aw andy is the sweetest guy on the earth

[canisonicscrewyou]

coworker butted into a conversation one day MONTHS AGO where I was telling someone else "yeah, one of my friend groups in high school were all really mean to each other, because we were all repressed queer teens in catholic high school, we were all biting each others' heads off" <- they missed all of the actual conversation so that they could say "I never had the energy to be mean, but okay." whenever me and my other coworker were talking.

Cut to today. They are talking to me about the environment at another store. They then say out of left field "Oh, it's like that thing where you... Oh. Well. I guess you were the one who was the bully growing up, right?"

Readers. Besties.

The way I stared at them for a solid minute of confusion before finally, awkwardly saying "... I was bullied growing up for being autistic and queer...?" because like. I'm. What??? How the fuck am I supposed to respond to that??? How does one respond to that??? (Also. The fact that I needed my partner to look at me and go 'they said you were a high school bully to be mean to you Ryker'. Sometimes you cannot take the autism out of the boy even a little even if you try really hard.)

[yourfaveisqueerandreligious]

elijah volkov from camp here and there is a cult leader (canon) and unlabeled mlm (canon) im sorry if the cult leader thing is offensive for the blog i just thought this concept was absolutely hysterical

ugh, no. it's not as funny as you think bestie

[s1utlvr]

Going to a summer camp would heal the 12 year old vsco girl that lives inside of me and comes out every summer

[carfuckerlynch]

hahaha apparently people I used to be friends with are spreading rumors that I'm "predatory toward trans men" sure hope this won't have any consequences!

[eliotquillon]

i think some of you need to sit down and interrogate why you dislike sabina so much because from where i’m sitting a lot of it is just thinly veiled misogyny. you don’t have to ship her with alex and you don’t have to like her but i’m so tired of people treating her as nothing more than an obstacle to their ship of choice and then trying to shift the blame onto horowitz for writing her poorly when there are literally dozens of male side characters who we know nothing about that get more fandom attention than sabina does. she’s not some evil irredeemable wench for struggling to support alex after the events of eagle strike. she’s a fifteen year old girl whose entire life was upended and has to watch someone she cares about be blackmailed into putting himself in danger again and again. if you can forgive yassen for sending alex to scorpia or k-unit for treating him like shit in brecon beacons, why can’t you forgive sabina for pulling away and trying to live a normal life. you can find her annoying or boring or pointless as a character, but alex very clearly cares about her. acting like he doesn’t says more about your attitudes towards female characters than it does horowitz’s lol

[soupamor]

so i have an uncle on my mother’s side who married a woman and had three kids with her. he’s gay. he found out during the marriage and he didn’t want a divorce, so he didnt tell his wife. instead he cheated on her, become short tempered, cruel, starting behaving in a way nobody had seen him act before. loathed his wife, his kids, any reminder that he wasn’t living the life he wanted. if you read this and think it’s homophobic for me to call this nigga a piece of shit, i don’t know what to tell you

[wizardnuke]

I MISS MY BOYFRIEND AAAAAAH! AHHH!! horrors of having the most fucked up college and work schedules and cursed w health problems the both of us

[dan-whoell]

very curious about you were the one thing i got right, it sounds very angsty and lovely...

ohhh yeah, the title comes from You in January by The Wonder Years, which awhile back i said was a very phancoded song. it's specifically that line and goddamn you look holy that really get me and made me want to do a series of snippets through the years, pretty much dan and his perspective on his life and their relationship. but also touching on christianity and growing up queer, and making some sort of peace with it as an adult.

He stopped believing in god at some point, or maybe he never did and he was always faking it. He doesn't know. Suppose it doesnt matter much, because he's found something better than all of it. A sleeping Phil. face aglow in the morning light streaming in, is the closest he's found to divinity.

it's still in the early stages, even though it's been rattling around in my head for awhile i only just started it the other day.