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wilheminalibrary · 6 months

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11/16/2023

Take This All of You and Eat It: Week 2 of November Writing Challenge

I am thirteen. I am in a church with stained glass windows that are older, bigger, and more beautiful than I will ever be, despite how much I yearn to be older, to be bigger, to be beautiful. The room is large and hot and quiet save for the shuffling wood of the pews, the dull hum of the unused organ, and the priest some fifteen feet away. The priest holds up a wafer and promises to make it into the flesh of a man. To make it real. I ring my little bells when it’s time and try not to fidget in my massive altar server’s robes. The priest, the man, is wearing long silk vestments in bright green. He looks like a stained glass window. Striking. I break the commandment about coveting my neighbor’s goods. I see this priest, his color and his silks. I covet. “This is my body.”

Growing up Catholic taught me a lot. The mysticism, the iconography, and the rituals all gave me the intoxicating feeling of being dropped like a single daub of paint into a millennia long portrait of blood and art and tears and prayers. I felt like I was part of something rich and gorgeous. Until, of course, I didn’t. Until, of course, it meant Catholic school and uniforms and confession and shame and sin and perdition. Until, of course, it meant looking up at the half-naked painted Savior and looking away, tasting his body on my tongue and struggling to swallow. I couldn’t dress like a girl except in the shadows and the trouble with shadows is that, without the light to see, everything looks like a sin.

Reading over my poetry throughout the month I've begun to notice a sneaky new theme slowly emerging throughout a good many of them. My Catholic upbringing rears its perpetually bowed head in, at this point, the majority of the month's labor. I reference rosaries and prayer and saints and transformation. So much of my journey into my flesh, my true flesh, has felt like making a Eucharist of myself, transubstantiating my boy into woman. I can take comfort, at least, in knowing I’m not alone in this. Writer Eve Tushnet, in her essay “Velvet and Pus: A Catholic Queer imagination,” writes:

“Even before I became Catholic I noticed this insistence on the meaning of the body—“meaning” in the sense that the body could be interpreted, that you could not only feel it but understand it (or misunderstand it). But also “meaning” in the sense of importance: the body means a lot.”

The saints explore their body’s relationship with Divinity constantly, a phenomenon explored brilliantly in visual artist Lizz Hamilton’s seminal podcast All Miracles Are Strange. In each episode Hamilton explores how men and women are venerated by disease, by wounds, by indignity.

As a trans woman I know a lot about indignity. My breasts ache. My stubble bickers with me. My newly long hair seems allergic to any kind of containment. My body rarely cooperates with me during sex. So much of me has changed. And yet, with each dose of hormones I feel closer to God. I feel a greater empathy for those like me. I feel the stones of my soft pink tomb rolled away. She is risen.

My transfiguration, pun intended, brings me more closely attuned with the religion of my childhood. Suddenly I am reading the Bible. I am praying the rosary. I am taking comfort in the idea of The Mysteries being the propulsive core of the faith. Too often we search for answers when we should be falling in love with the questions themselves, listening for the all-too-sweet whispers of answers within us. I want suddenly to drink wine with my girlfriends. I want to thank God for my body. I want to pray with every poem I write, and so I do.

Even when my body breaks itself slowly, softening itself and reducing its muscle mass, I am reminded of the holiness of transformative suffering. Psalm 2 verse 9 tells us “Thou shalt break them with a rod of iron; Thou shalt dash them in pieces like a potter's vessel.” I feel myself breaking. I feel myself dashing to pieces according to a will within myself. I feel the intangible truth of my body. With my first month on hormones I asked my trans friends when I should expect changes. So many of them told me the same thing. I should see results soon. I should let the body and the medicine do their works.

I should have faith.

My work lately has been full of faith. Has been full of gratitude. Has been full of prayer. I have been unchained from the shame and secrecy of wearing women’s clothes after my house has fallen asleep. I don’t need to pray for miracles when I can unscrew the caps on bottles full of them every morning and take them according to His will. Catholicism taught me to love the flesh, to see beauty in the corpse of a man who gave everything for us. Whether you believe in it or not, there’s power in a story of that much sacrifice. I know trans people who sacrifice themselves, who give their all to be saviors and safety for those that need them.

And, like the Saints, we’re not all that popular for our devotion in our time. Our pursuit of our holiest selves, our truest and purest selves, gets us a lot of attention and a lot of distance from those that don’t understand. Radical members of the faith have suffered the same faith. Ascetics, mystics, monks, nuns. We retreat into our little ministries online and in person, we change our bodies. We accept the judgment that comes with it. As Aphrahat says in The Sixth Demonstration of Patrologia Syriaca, “Whosoever adopts the likeness of angels, let him be a stranger to humans.”

I know women who howl like dogs at the moon and feel more joy in the howling than I ever have in my life. I know women who cover themselves in tattoos to feel closer to God. I know women who worked with surgeons to scar their bodies into their best selves. These are holy women. These are angels. They are strangers to humans. They are no strangers to God.

Yours with an open mouth,

-B

#poetry #transgender #blog #religion #catholiscism #simeon stylites #backlog #nanowrimo

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thatblondeperson · 2 years

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Earlier I wanted to make a post calling out someone's BS specifically, but I'm not going to anymore. I've simply blocked them and I'm going to move on from that because it's not worth my time. Imma vague them instead.

As soon as I saw that Connor Hawke was confirmed as ace, I knew there was going to be people upset, because we cannot have ace rep without people screaming that it's somehow inherently homophobic.

And I will never discredit the fact that Connor and Kyle have some serious chemistry going on because obviously they do, but it was not cannon that either of them were queer until we got the news that Connor is coming out as ace. It's all headcanon. Based in subtext, sure, but subtext is also speculative and while someone may read Connor as not showing an interest in women as him being gay, many others also read that as him being ace.

It is valid to be bummed out when a character isn't written in a way that coincides with how you read them. Especially if you see yourself in that character, it can be hard to have that vision shattered. It is NOT valid to use that as an opportunity to stamp out representation for others.

Ace representation matters.

And the person I really wanted to scream at isn't even crediting that a character can be gay and ace, since Connor is not aromantic but rather just asexual. Apparently it's not representative enough for him to be announced as ace because we haven't hammered down his romantic interests, and it would be better for him to come out as gay rather than ace.

Writing a character as asexual is not an inherently homophobic act.

And I get why they are calling it that from an objective viewpoint, but their view is also very biased given that they don't call aces LGBTQ+ UNLESS they're in some other part of the LGBTQ+ alphabet soup fun zone. This is something I've gotten from two different standpoints. That I'm either not LGBTQ+ or I'm harboring internalized aphobia for calling myself a cishet ace. Like I'm aligning myself with some evil group by doing so.

But there isn't anywhere for me really. I'm not straight, I'm not gay. I would love to see more characters in that queer in between. Connor Hawke is a wonderful character to provide that representation, and I'd love to see his they explore his romantic attraction given that they have confirmed he is not aromantic.

This person claims that Connor being ace is homophobic since because he is queer-coded (which unfortunately is not really true. Regardless of subtext and headcanon pulled by fans, the original intent of the character may not have been so. Headcanons are not the same as coding) him being ace is apparently an active choice by DC to make sure he doesn't have sex with a man. Be eyes it would be icky and it tracks back the aids epidemic. I get exactly what they're talking about, but holy fuck...some people just DON'T want to have sex. A gay man can be asexual. That's a fact.

It bothers me that this gets into the discussion of whether a relationship is valid or not if no one's fucking. If Connor were to get in a romantic relationship with Kyle or another man, would it not be as important of representation if they weren't having sex? Why is romantic love less valid? And I dare to wonder how much angrier this person would be if Connor was aro/ace.

I want to note the importance of showing not only a man coming out as ace, given that ace men struggle with representation due to the stereotype that they are inherently sexual beings, but that it is an ace man of color. I don't need to explain how the already general stereotypes get heightened with racism. Ace men of color are severely underrepresented and this is a HUGE step for DC.

But that doesn't matter to this person. They are heartbroken, I can't change that, but their attitude is plain and simple: aphobia.

I could argue with them all night about how gross I think their dismissal of asexuality is. It bothers me that they talk about how this is a way for DC to separate itself from the "grossness of gay sex" while not even discussing the importance of romantic relations Connor still might have with men. They also say that no character has ever been coded as ace or aro in history. It's apparently impossible. Which reminds me of every time I've suggested that a character may be ace or aro given their lack of interest in sex or romance, and gotten torn apart by shippers online who felt personally attacked.

I've been called a homophobe for headcannoning a character as asexual or aromantic or both. Literally one of those characters was Sherlock Holmes back in the JohnLock days.

I understand the importance of gay representation, and the need for media to escape that awful period during and after the aids crisis when any gay expression seemed even more taboo than ever before. I understand that Connor has 0 interest in women, yet nothing else has been explicitly stated for me to understand his other romantic attractions. I understand so much about this discussion, except the fact that someone looked at DC trying very hard to get some genuine ace representation and immediately wanted to turn it into something hideous.

This isn't about you, this isn't about sex, this isn't about anything other than showing representation that is rarely seen in media. This does not discredit Connor's gayness, as unless he comes out as aromantic as well, he could be just as valid as a gay man in a romantic relationship, without needing to seal the deal with sex. Connor is not a character that belongs to you, he belongs to his readers, and sometimes a story is going to be for a percentage of them.

A lot of characters are coming out now because DC has the chance to tell new stories with less in their way, and I for one welcome the chance for Connor to explore his asexuality and what that means for him. Maybe he will also come out as aromantic later, i don't know. But whatever occurs, it will be an important story that needs to be told fof those who rarely have their voices heard. If that bothers you, then that's a you problem.

#connor hawke #green arrow #asexual #asexuality #aromantic #lgbt #lgbt+#lgbtqia #personal

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commander-diomika · 3 years

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[Image ID: Screenshot of a tumblr reply from user @weareallfromearth saying “Holy shit I would V much like to know what you’d do with ZolfWilde.” End ID]

This was in response to me tag rambling that if Alex “I don’t Actually Have That Much Experience in Courtship” Newall and Ben “I just Realised I’m Too Straight For This” Meredith don’t know what to do with Zolf/Wilde, they should hand the ship over to me.

*rubs my gay little hands together.*

I initially characterized them offhandedly as Enemies-to-Lovers but that’s not quite it, is it? On reflection I would say it’s more of an Opposites Attract situation.

Oscar Wilde, as re-imagined in the RQG universe, is a homme fatale; a dangerous, attractive man, skilled in encouraging people to underestimate him, wearing different masks, never quite being able to trust or be trusted by anyone.

There is NO personal/professional line for Wilde. He lives his work, and his work is subterfuge and interpersonal manipulation. (whether or not he started this way in his field as a journalist, or was forced to become this way by the changes in his world, is another post.) He is a person who either cares very deeply what people think of him, or is has decided that manipulating what people think of him is the way to get what he wants, and from the outside it makes no difference.

Zolf Smith does not care what people think of him. He isn’t even skilled at being kind and empathetic to people he cares about; he has no time for emotional manipulation or genuine charm. He doesn’t even have a fantastic grasp on his OWN feelings, let alone other people’s. He’s grounded, disinterested in frippery or appearances. Which is why Zolf and Wilde started out so deeply at odds with one another.

Despite the differences in the interpersonal approaches, they have plenty of common ground.

They are both deeply dedicated to a cause. They care about their work to the exclusion of all else. They are both pragmatists who have their own internal moral code, and are willing to bend or break other people’s rules in order to get the job done. They are fundamentally good people. Despite their rocky beginnings, they can respect each other because of these things.

And they might have maintained their mutually disdainful, begrudgingly respectful working relationship and that could have been the sum total... Except then the world fell apart. The Meritocratic organisation was initially compromised, then disintegrated. The blue vein plague isolated everyone and made it even harder to trust supposed allies. The Cult of Hades was on everyone’s ass making their life difficult, the other PCs disappeared off the face of the planet. Zolf and Wilde ended up in a situation where they had no one else they could trust.

Familiarity breeds contempt, but maybe if the contempt is already there, it builds Something Else. Wilde was stripped of his magic in a way that made it much harder for him to keep people at a distance and (pardon the pun) project the illusion of the debonair playboy. Zolf would have had the chance to see through Wilde’s masks, and get a better understanding of what parts of Wilde were a calculated tactic, and what was his genuine self.

Whatever betrayal transpired that gave Wilde his scar and hardened him, Zolf was privy to. He was either there and saw it happen, or he was close enough in the aftermath to see Wilde properly vulnerable for the first time in their friendship. Hell, maybe Zolf was the one who rescued him and patched him up. That was a chance for Zolf to realise that this insufferable man is a friend who he cares about deeply. At this point, he’s cared for awhile, but has been too wrapped up with his own spiritual difficulties to have space to admit that to himself.

And Wilde, oh Wilde, he’s desperate to be seen and known and loved, but he’s never allowed himself. He’s never felt SAFE to. He doesn’t let people get close, treats every conversation as a battle to be won. His safety and his power lies in being admired, but never loved. So even as trust and fondness for Zolf blossoms within him, he won’t for a second allow himself to hope that the fondness is reciprocated

With all that out of the way, this is my version of events.

Wilde is a slut (affectionate), and Zolf is gray-ace, so if there’s any bridging of that gap in terms of physical intimacy, it has to be from Zolf’s side. Giving canon a tender massage into place, that first instance of Zolf grabbing Wilde by the collar changes. (This happens on the Vengeance after Zolf has taught Wilde to steer the ship). Zolf drags Wilde down to say “I’m glad to see you perked up.” That moment now involves a whiskery kiss on Wilde’s cheek, and the man would be absolutely FLOORED by it.

I’m talking slow-mo glittering lights as Zolf stomps off blushing, unsure what just came over him; Wilde touches his cheek in bewilderment for a stretched moment before realising he’s completely agog, and he let go of the wheel for a dangerous length of time. Every interaction, every moment they’ve spent together over the last two years is flashing before Wilde’s eyes and a new context is being applied rapid fire. I’m talking the italacised oh kind of moment.

(on top of Zolf being witness to The Betrayal, throw some other moments of almost-intimacy into said flashbacks. I’m talking late nights, Zolf doing his gruff-yet-kind caretaker thing, cooking for Wilde, maybe sharing quiet and rare downtime with Zolf reading a Campbell novel on a couch in Wilde’s office)

Wilde is realising, “Oh this is allowed, oh this is reciprocated, this is possible.”

And of course they don’t talk about it, because what’s a slowburn if they immediately go and TALK about their feelings? No, the kiss goes completely unremarked upon, and Wilde continues to needle and tease and get under Zolf’s skin, except now with an added warmth in his eyes because he finally gets it. He finally understands that Zolf cares, that Zolf loves him, he’s just not the kind of dwarf that knows how to express it.

And Zolf, frustrated by feelings he can’t express but is beginning to understand, can hear the undertone of “haha, you looooove me,” shining through Wilde’s deliberate antagonism. They continue their time on the Vengeance just a little easier and closer to one another.

And we continue on to the death/resurrection arc, and Wilde’s spirit pushes for Zolf to open up about his feelings, because if not when he’s literally past death’s door, then when? When Zolf finally manages his “I need you,” it’s like a dam has broken for both of them. The second collar-grab and “We’ll go on a holiday or somethin’,” is now followed by a full kiss on the lips, not particularly erotic but passionate, (it’s the epitome of kissing someone to shut them up) and Wilde makes a surprised and delighted squeak that he would be glad he can’t quite remember when he returns to land of the living.

Once returned, Wilde might not remember everything that his spirit said or did, but he remembers the kiss. The comfort and ease that the two of them share in 179 (Eat Drink and Be Merry) is there, only instead of the two characters still being in a place of questioning their feelings for one another, it’s been answered.

Whether or not this relationship is sexual in nature is kind of up to you and what kind of fan works you like to read/write. I think there are wonderful scenes to be written an explored in many directions.

Wilde allowing himself to enjoy sex for intimacy and closeness instead of using it as a tool/ Zolf not being one for sex but Wilde’s never slept more soundly than when he’s being held in Zolf’s arms/ Zolf realising that the unfamiliar feeling he’s been struggling to express is the desire to rail Wilde til he cries/ Wilde realising that if his partner doesn’t want it from him, he’s actually quite content without sex/ The two of them being mean, antagonistic bastards to each other while fucking but Make It Kink (of the trusting and RACK kind). There really isn’t a single bad interpretation.

So really, I’m not doing anything different with them other than reading between the lines, giving canon a little nudge, and sticking the landing. This isn’t to disparage the concept of queer platonic partners. (I’ve got one!) or to talk shit about Ben or Alex (I DO respect their craft).

It’s just to say I find these two characters , and everything they’ve been through, PAINFULLY romantic, tropey, and delightful. I’m looking forward both to how Ben and Alex play the QPP, the fanworks I’m gonna read and hopefully write, and the inevitable tragedy that you KNOW Alex is gearing up for.

#zoscar #zolfwilde #RQG #rusty quill gaming #zolf smith #RQG Oscar Wilde #hank talks #rqg podcast #rqg meta #feel free to reblog #and to talk to me about it

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reginaofdoctorwho · 4 years

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if anyone wants to recommend musicals to me I would fucking adore that. Until then, here are some suggestions:

Love in Hate Nation-- LET’S GO LESBIANS! 1960s sapphic love story taking place in a girls’ reformatory. Also, trans girl played by trans actress!!! Some of the amazing songs are “I Hope” and “Oh Well”. Susannah Son wants to be a singer, her performative activist boyfriend is gross and also wants her to marry him so he’ll have better options politically. Sheila Nail is so fucking cool and I love everyone in this. My brain cuts out about this I’m so sorry babes. There is not a cast recording but there IS an original cast bootleg on youtube.

Holy Musical B@man!-- If you liked the goofiness of 1960s Batman and Robin, but think “man, these guys should’ve been able to swear! And also should have had a candy themed villain!” this is the musical for you. Also if you’ve heard of the very queer Harry Potter musical that JK herself tried to sue over, it’s made by the same group <3. As usual with Team Starkid, whole thing is up for free on youtube by the creators.

Firebringer-- Speaking of the same group... Cave people sapphics who I think are bi or pan. I love them and they’re all so dumb. Also, if you’ve seen the “I don’t really wanna do the work today” vine, that comes from this. I do not remember any of the second half other than one of them taking the ring the other is proposing with... to propose. And the “*blows kiss*” “fuck no, Zazz” “duly noted”. Kind of like a shitpost musical. Once again, free by creators. Actually, check out any of their musicals.

The Prom-- In Indiana, Emma just wants to take her girlfriend to the prom, and in response, the PTA cancels it. With some help from some broadway actors looking for good publicity, they manage to pull it off. So, to summarize, teen lesbian gets gay uncle who knows what she’s going through!! This musical makes me cry every goddamn time. There is a movie now, and I’m very happy about that because *high profile gay rep on netflix*, but I personally did not like the direction they took with it. They put a weird amount of emphasis on biological rather than found family in the movie, and were a little too forgiving when it came to trauma from family for being gay. Also, they took away Emma being butch. This was sadly (loosely) based on a recent true story from I think 2012. Also, was the first gay kiss in the Macy’s parade. You know those movie musicals the straight girls in theater like? The music is similar, but gayer, and for some reason that makes me so fuckng happy. I think it’s because non-queer people have had musicals for so long, and those normally have a 60s vibe, and the music in this does too and it feels more classic?? Sapphic promposal song (het at the beginning). “Unruly Heart” and the end of Act 1 will break you. Please ignore the bad wigs.

Spies Are Forever-- GAY SPIES GAY SPIES GAY SPIES!! Curt Mega (played by... Curt Mega) lost his partner Owen during a mission. Now, he’s just trying to get back into spying like Owen would want. I fucking weep every time. Also, a song about comphet (at 6:36)!! And here is a video essay on how it relates to the Lavender Scare. I want you all to know that everyone also headcanons the femme fatale spy in it as either a lesbian or aroace, which uh, makes sense. Also high quality videos put up by creators. They had Jewish people making fun of Nazis while writing this, but “Not so Bad” is... kinda bad. “Torture Tango” has so much goddamn sexual tension and becomes devastating.

Hadestown-- If you know the myth of Orpheus and Eurydice, it’s like that, except capitalism part 1. Orpheus is a poor musician, Eurydice dies, just like the myth. Except, the Great Depression post-apocalyptic setting that works better than it probably should. There are actually 3 soundtracks: the concept album, off-Broadway, and Broadway. I personally don’t like the concept album purely based on vibe. Off-Broadway has an absolutely gorgeous sounding Orpheus, and if you’ve heard of the disaster that was Spiderman: Turn Out the Dark, then you’ve heard of surprisingly amazing Broadway Orpheus Reeve Carney. The Fates are gorgeous and I’ve decided they’re queer. Tony’s performance link here. Explores relationships, with Hades and Persephone’s aging relationship mirrored by Orpheus and Eurydice’s relatively new one. Anyway, unionize.

Jasper in Deadland-- If you know the myth of Orpheus and Eurydice, it’s like that, except capitalism part 2. Jasper is a teen who’s best friend Agnes is pretty much the one good thing left in his life. His mom left, he got kicked off the swim team (he’s manic pixie dream boy in this, especially for swimming), and Agnes dies at the beginning trying to show Jasper that she’s brave and he should be too. So, he bravely ventures into Deadland to find her, meeting Gretchen the tour guide along the way. He also finds out that since he’s still living, he can bring memories back to the dead. Songs like “Stroke by Stroke” (he’s uh, definitely a teen, guys) and “Living Dead” (I shared a prinxiety animatic of that on here a while ago).They blend Greek, Norse, Egyptian, Christian, and whatever Dante’s Inferno counts as together to create Deadland. Story’s kinda hard to follow from the soundtrack, so if u wanna learn how it all ties together message me.

Death Note Musical-- Okay babes, here’s where it gets tough. It was written originally in English, and there is a spectacular English concept album, but the only productions have been in South Korea, Japan, and I think Taiwan. Listen to it anyways, find a bootleg of it with english subtitles. It has so much gay tension and also a truly ethereal character who seems to be a lesbian who is also either demisexual or demiromantic. If any of y’all saw the anime like me, it kind of cuts out the arc after episode 26. I personally thought it was actually a better story for it.

Alice by Heart-- Okay, this one makes me fucking cry every goddamn time. In WW2, these poor goddamn kids are all alone in the Tube System (is that what y’all call it? genuinely asking here) with none of their parents but still some grownups. Alice’s best friend Alfred is dying of tuberculosis, and to try to have one last thing together they start reading Alice in Wonderland, only for Nurse Hart to rip it apart to try to separate healthy Alice from dying-from-TB Alfred. It doesn’t work, and Alice proclaims she “knows it all by heart”, She tries to linger in the story with Alfred to have more time with him, he keeps trying to move it along because he’s dying and wants to finish it one last time. Themes are growing up and grief I guess.

Last I checked, there is a bootleg for all of these on youtube. Have fun!

#love in hate nation #holy musical b@man #firebringer #the prom #spies are forever #hadestown #jasper in deadland #death note musical #alice by heart #i know more gay ones too if u want that

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iclaimedtobethebetterbard · 3 years

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popcorn & pronouns

Fandom: Sanders Sides Characters: Janus, Remus, Roman Rating: Teen & up Relationships: Dukeceit, Creativitwins Warnings: Not much to warn for in this one. Language, a little bit of suggestiveness, vague non-detailed descriptions of a horror movie. Word count: 3402

Read on AO3!

My writing masterpost

Starlight Universe masterpost

Dukeceit Week 2021 start - previous - here - next - masterpost

Summary: A movie night date leads to an important conversation. Already being t4t makes it a lot easier. Or, in Remus's own words, “This is just, like, going to be a week of people coming out to me, I guess. Huh.”

Notes: Day 6 of Dukeceit Week 2021! Almost there! @dukeceitweek Takes place in my Starlight Universe, where each piece can be read without any context. Takes place 9 months after college; at the start of the story, Janus uses only they/them pronouns.

“Ooh, popcorn! Can I have some?” Roman popped his head into the kitchen of the apartment he, Remus, and Logan had shared in the nine or so months since they had all graduated college.

“No, Jan and I are having a date in twenty minutes,” Remus said, waving Roman off without looking away from the air popper.

“Okay, I don’t see how that’s relevant to my question.” Roman pushed himself to sit on the counter by the sink. “I mean, that’s really cute, I hope you have fun. But can I have some popcorn?”

Remus rolled his eyes. “Make your own when I’m done.”

“But you make it better!” Roman pouted overdramatically.

Remus raised an eyebrow. “All I do is plug in the machine?”

“Right, which is better than me doing it.” Roman grinned at them. “Less work for me.”

“Hey!” Remus swatted his arm. “The transphobia, honestly—”

“Well, if you making it for me is transphobic to you, then you not making it for me is—” Roman broke off quite suddenly, his expression undergoing several shifts very fast that Remus could not make sense of. Which was… unusual, to say the least. Roman was normally the one person they could always count on understanding. They didn’t like this new development one bit.

“Ro?”

“Iiiiiit’s… queerphobic to me,” Roman said at last, a worried pinch to his eyebrows. He laughed, and it almost didn’t sound forced. “So we’re at a tie, so you should just make me popcorn.”

“First of all, I’m queer too, make your own damn popcorn. Second—” Remus turned away from the popcorn machine and gave Roman his full attention, leaning back against the kitchen island and tilting his head to the side. “Do you wanna talk about whatever the fuck that was?” So far as Remus knew, Roman was bi; that was the label he’d been using for years and years, so long that it practically felt like forever. Since almost the very beginning of high school. Since before Remus had questioned their gender, even. Only last week, he’d called the light switch biphobic without hesitation when it broke.

Whatever had happened to make him so very deliberately not call himself bi just now, it was new.

Roman’s expression closed up very fast indeed, but not before Remus caught a flash of something he was almost certain was fear. “No.”

“You know it’s okay to question, right?” Remus inquired awkwardly. “No matter what specifically, and no matter what the outcome is? Yeah?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“You know I’d still love you no matter what, right? Even if you were, like, a straight man—like, I would make so many jokes about not agreeing with your lifestyle, but—Ro, you know everything is always gonna be okay, right?”

Roman glared at him. “Remus, I don’t want to talk about it.” He wrinkled his nose. “And I’m definitely not straight.”

Remus blinked and raised their hands. “Alright. I didn’t mean literally straight, I just meant—you could be literally whatever, and it would be cool. That was—like—the most extreme example I could think of, you know?”

Roman let out a slight huff of laughter. “Thanks,” he said reluctantly after a pause. “It’s nothing, though.”

“Bullshit,” Remus said immediately.

“It—” Roman swallowed. “I need it to be nothing, okay?”

“If anyone’s making you feel shitty, I’ll beat them up,” Remus said immediately. “Even if it’s Patton. Just drop the names. I’ll do it. I’ll—”

“Remus, it’s fine. I want to stop fucking talking about it now!” Roman snapped.

Remus hesitated, fumbling for what to do or say next, everything about the conversation feeling just a little wrong and sideways.

Roman sighed. “Sorry.” He pushed off the counter, went to the fridge, and stared into it for a solid thirty seconds, then took a cheese stick out of the door. “I’ll make my own popcorn later,” he mumbled and retreated back to his room.

“Damn, alright,” Remus said to the empty room. “Be like that, I guess.” They flung their hands into the air and went to get the butter they’d been melting in the microwave before Roman’s appearance.

Roman would talk to them about it, whatever it was, eventually. He always did. And whatever was bugging him, Remus would figure out a way to bug it back until it stopped and Roman was all happy and bubbly again. Because that was what Remus always did. It would be fine. It was just a waiting game.

Remus sighed. He always hated waiting.

***

“Mmkay,” Remus said, when Janus had arrived, and they had worked together to move the TV out of the living room and into Remus’s room, and they had settled in on Remus’s bed—Remus sitting up against the headboard and Janus half-laying in Remus’s lap with their long thin legs stretched out along the bed and their head on his chest—and the popcorn had been set beside them where they could both reach it, and the blanket nest had been fluffed once more. “What shall we watch?”

Janus was silent for a long moment. Actually, come to think of it, they had been quiet since they’d arrived at the apartment—even more quiet than usual. But Remus was almost certain they weren’t nonverbal, seeing as they had exchanged a few fond words with him. It just hadn’t been very many words.

“Janny, baby?” Remus leaned forward, over their shoulder, trying to catch a glimpse of their face.

Janus had their fingers knotted in the blanket that was spread over their lap, fidgeting with it anxiously, a thinking-hard expression on their face.

“Baby?” Remus curled one hand lightly around theirs. “You good?”

“Choices are too hard right now,” Janus said at last.

“Okay, that’s okay. Do you know what you need?”

“I want to watch a movie.” Janus frowned. “I just can’t choose.”

“Gotcha. No problem.” Remus pressed a kiss to their cheek. “I’m really good at choosing.” He threaded his fingers through Janus’s long hair, scratching soothingly at their scalp in just the way he knew they liked, and pulled up the library of movies, switching from Roman’s profile to his own.

“How’s some really cheesy horrible horror film we can make fun of sound?” he asked, scrolling with the remote and still playing with Janus’s hair with his other hand. “I know we have a bunch of those, I loved ’em when we were kids and I think they’re funny.”

“That sounds fine.” Janus nodded and relaxed a little further against Remus.

“Good.” He kissed the top of their head. “Do you need anything else?”

Janus shook their head. “I’ve just been kind of stressed lately. Work’s been shit, and all that. It’s fine. I just want to cuddle and things.”

“Ooh, ‘and things,’ I like the sound of that,” Remus teased, sliding his hand gently to their chin and drawing them to twist around far enough that he could kiss them soft and slow.

“I didn’t say what kinds of things,” Janus said innocently, their eyes still closed and so close to Remus that their lips brushed against his as they spoke. “Perhaps I could be persuaded later.”

“I’ll be sure to prepare my best arguments,” Remus said, leaning slightly up to kiss their forehead and then back down to their lips for another lazy kiss, taking his time and exploring Janus’s mouth until they sighed and melted against him.

“A compelling preview,” they murmured, their eyes still closed and the slightest smile curling at their lips.

Remus meant to make some kind of witty quip in return, really he did, but all that came out of his mouth was a quiet, awed, “Holy fuck, you’re so beautiful, Jan.”

Janus’s eyes opened and met his for a moment, soft and vulnerable, before they turned and hid their face in his neck. “Love you,” they whispered against his skin.

“Mm, I love you too,” Remus said happily, wrapping his arms securely around Janus and kissing the top of their head. “Love your pretty eyes and skin and hair and body, love how clever you are, love your scary goth clothes, love your snark, love your stims, love you—”

Janus whined wordlessly into his neck, pressing kisses to it and fisting their hands in the front of his shirt.

Remus chuckled, taking a handful of their hair and gently tugging until they looked up at him once more. “Do you want to watch a movie at all, or do you just wanna make out? Cause I’d be good with either, but if you wanna do a movie, we should get on that before we’re too distracted.”

“Oh.” Janus leaned their head back a little until it was resting against Remus’s hand. “Not that I don’t want to make out, but—”

“Nah, I gotcha. Gotta at least get through the popcorn, am I right?” Remus cast about for the remote, lost in the blanket pile, as Janus shifted about until they faced the television again.

“There it is!” Remus snatched the remote up, clicking through the library on the television until he saw the particular film he was thinking of and pulled it up. “This look good?”

“‘When moving into their new house, little do our protagonists know it is haunted by a demonic serial killer. Will they get out in time? Or will they be his next victims?’” Janus read the summary aloud. “Sounds absolutely thrilling. Extremely original. Love the bad Photoshop on the cover. I’m sure the acting will be of the highest quality.”

“Oh, yeah, it’s so shitty, I love it. So many cheesy effects and fake blood, it’s the actual stupidest shit,” Remus assured them. “I love it, though. Went as the demon thing for Halloween when I was nine. Nobody fucking knew what I was, but I had the time of my life. And got fake blood on Roman when he wasn’t looking. It was great.”

Janus chuckled, reaching up to brush their fingertips against Remus’s cheek. “Well, with such a glowing review from someone so attractive, how can I resist?” they said fondly.

“That’s the spirit!” Remus hit play.

Remus had watched this particular movie more times than they could count over the course of their childhood. He peppered commentary throughout the film:

“This is my favorite part, if you pay attention you can see her real fingertips holding onto the fake hand she’s about to get chopped off!”

“There’s a jumpscare in this scene, I know you hate those—okay, hit the skip-ten-seconds button in three, two, there. Perfect. Dumbass demon movie can’t even trust itself to be creepy without cheap scares.”

“Look, I know the mom is supposed to have some kind of hot blonde thing going on for the horny straight men in the audience, but she’s got nothing on you.”

“For some reason they made a director’s commentary and it actually includes the fake blood recipe they used, I’ll show you sometime!”

Janus, in turn, provided brilliant, extremely snarky roasts, mostly of either the actors’ absolute lack of skill or the gaping plot holes:

“Oh, yes, going alone to the attic at midnight without so much as a candle is a fantastic idea, nothing bad could possibly happen in this scene.”

“Listen, I can excuse the children because they’re about eight years old, but do you think this man has ever even heard of acting? Or even, like, speaking in a non-monotone?”

“I am truly fascinated by the special effects department’s understanding of human anatomy.”

“So, the demon feeds on misery? Why hasn’t it taken up residence in a large office building? I mean, come on, hundreds of souls in an environment designed to grind out constant levels of misery? It’s perfect. The poor thing must be starving out here in the two-point-five-kids-and-a-dog suburbs, every meal it gets is tiny. I would be so much better at its job than it is.”

At last the credits rolled.

“Wanna see pictures of the costume I made?” Remus asked.

“Sure.” Janus sounded amused.

“Lemme just—” Remus scrolled through their camera roll for a minute. “Oh, here they are.” They displayed their phone to Janus; tiny nine-year-old Remus, who sported long tangled brown hair in two ponytails, was draped in a black curtain, donated by his great-aunt, that he had very enthusiastically taken a pair of scissors to to create a tattered effect; the curtain was splattered with bright red goo, and tiny Remus had a pair of plastic knives in his hands, which were blurry in almost every photo because they’d hardly stopped making stabbing motions all evening. To their right, their little sister Gabby, who’d been six at the time, was dressed as Elastigirl and making a punching motion; to their right, Roman—who had already been a full three inches taller than Remus, even at nine—was wearing a Belle dress with a poofy skirt and a sword strapped around his waist and a huge smile that was missing one front tooth.

Remus swiped through the photos; a delightful scene unfolded, as tiny Remus posed for a few pictures, then in one was blurrily turning towards Roman, then dumping something on him, then Roman was screaming and Remus was laughing as red goo dripped down the poofy yellow skirt; Gabby watched with both hands clapped over her mouth, eyes huge.

“You two really have not changed at all, have you?” Janus asked, stifling laughter.

“Absolutely not,” Remus agreed with an answering laugh. “I think the most that either of us ever changed was when I chopped off all that hair and dyed it green.”

“When was that?” Janus asked.

“Sophomore year of high school. I did not have permission to chop it all off, but I did get permission to dye it afterwards, so that was pretty sick.”

“And that didn’t go against dress code?” Janus inquired.

“No, actually. Not sure how. But I bet my parents would’ve kicked up a big stink about it if the school tried and made me change it; they were always super big on self expression and shit.” Remus gestured towards the picture, indicating tiny Roman in his princess dress. “We always got to wear whatever we wanted, and shit like that. It was nice. Made gender shit way easier when that became a thing for me, you know?”

“It sounds nice,” Janus said softly. “I’m happy you had that.”

Remus nodded and pressed a kiss to their forehead, reaching for a handful of the popcorn dregs in the bottom of the bowl.

Janus shifted in their arms, rolling over to face Remus and propping themself up on their elbows. “Actually,” they began.

Something on their face told Remus that whatever this new topic of conversation was, it was important. He swallowed the half-chewed popcorn in his mouth. “Yeah, baby?”

“Speaking of gender.” Janus picked at the edge of the blanket.

“I love speaking of that, go on.” Remus tousled Janus’s hair fondly.

Janus took a deep breath, staring at the blanket in their hands. “I want to start using he pronouns again. In addition to my regular ones. Or.” They wrinkled their nose. “My current ones, I guess. So, he/they.”

“That’s great, he/they pronouns are very sexy,” Remus said at once.

Janus laughed, looking up at him at last. “That’s true, you are the sexiest person I know,” he said fondly. A shadow passed over his features. “But,” he went on slowly, chewing on the inside of their lip and picking at the blanket once more.

“Yeah?” Remus encouraged.

“I really don’t like the idea of telling anyone else about that.” Janus grimaced. “I keep worrying I’ll get asked stupid questions about ‘oh, so are you a man again now?’ when—like—no, and I never was one in the first place. So.”

“Oh, that sounds gross,” Remus agreed at once. “I can see why you’d be worried about that.”

Janus nodded. “I just—I don’t want to explain. And I don’t want people to ask questions. And they might. And I just—I don't want any of it. I want to skip to the part where they know and it’s all how I want it to be.”

“That’s reasonable,” Remus agreed. “But, I mean, if they can get me using he/they pronouns and being nonbinary, they had better fucking wrap their minds around the concept of you doing it too. Yeah? Or I��ll make ’em. Violently, if you want.”

Janus snorted. “I appreciate the offer, darling.” They reached up and touched his cheek. “I… don’t know if I want to tell anyone else yet. But I did want to tell you.”

“You got it, cutie.” Remus booped Janus’s nose once. “Just let me know if anything changes. I’ll punch people for you. Anytime. They don’t even have to have done anything. Just point me at them and consider it done.”

Janus did laugh at that, outright, scrunching up his face and burying it in Remus’s chest. “I should not be this into you offering to punch people for me,” he said wryly.

Remus grinned and flipped their hair. “Nah, I think it’s definitely very sexy of me and should absolutely turn you on.”

Janus smacked Remus’s arm. “I did not say that!”

“You implied it.”

“Not… necessarily. That was one possible interpretation—”

“Oh, right, I see, mmhm, very interesting.”

They smacked his arm again. “You’re teasing me.”

“Only a little bit. You’re so pretty when you get all flustered.” Remus bent their head at a somewhat awkward angle to kiss Janus’s lips gently. “Are there any new words you want me to use, by the way?” they asked. “Besides updating pronouns?”

Janus tilted his head to the side, considering. “I think… I still like all the sorts of things you call me already. Pretty, and partner, and—and baby, and so on.”

Remus smirked. “That’s good, I like calling you baby.”

“Oh my god, shut up.” Janus hid their face in their hands.

“Why, baby?” Remus asked innocently.

Janus made a strangled noise, and after a pause carried on. “I do think I wouldn’t mind adding a little bit of… masc terminology? I guess? If that makes sense? Adding that into the mix. Not all the time, and not as much as the things you already call me, but… just a bit would be nice.”

“Gotcha.” Remus nodded. “I can do that. So, like, my baby is very pretty and handsome?”

Janus’s cheeks went bright red in an instant, and he hid his face in Remus’s chest again, letting out a tiny wordless scream. “Yes. That. That—that’s nice,” they managed after a pause, sounding almost entirely composed.

Remus chuckled and ran their fingers through Janus’s hair. “Good to know,” he said teasingly. “I will definitely keep this in mind.”

“Oh my god,” Janus mumbled. “Are you trying to kill me?”

“Absolutely, but only in a sexy way of making you happy.” Remus kissed the top of their head. “This is just, like, going to be a week of people coming out to me, I guess,” they mused. “Huh.”

“What do you mean?”

“Oh, something’s clearly eating at someone else we know, and I think they’re going to tell me about whatever it is within the week. That’s all. It was just funny timing.” Remus kissed the top of Janus’s head again. “So, the movie’s over,” they noted, which, sure, was a blatant and deliberate change of subject, but he felt this was justified, both for avoiding-speculating-about-Roman’s-personal-information purposes and, more importantly, for fun-after-movie-things purposes.

“That it is,” Janus said, a particular innocent tone entering their voice. Excellent, he was of a similar mind to Remus, then.

Remus grinned and drew them up for a kiss. “So, what does the very pretty and handsome and lovely human in my arms want to do now?” he inquired.

Janus made another small, wordless, flustered noise and promptly dragged Remus into another kiss. “You can’t just say things like that!”

“What, about how you’re the loveliest—prettiest—sexiest—” Remus pressed tiny kisses to Janus’s lips with each word, until at last they caught his lips with their own in a proper kiss to shut him up. “Pretty sure I can say it, actually,” Remus murmured against his lips. “Cause it’s true.”

“Oh, like you’re one to talk,” Janus said, sounding very pleased indeed, and kissed them again.

Taglist (ask to be added/removed!): @theimprobabledreamersworld @peruviandesertfox

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justabigbitch · 3 years

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A late rant about Bisexual Tim Drake instead of doing my homework.

Welcome to a late rant about Bisexual Tim Drake instead of doing my homework.

So I want to start this pros and cons list by (haha, get it) saying I don’t want any hate-filled arguments about the fact that Tim is gay. It happened to get over it. Instead, this is mostly me talking about what I think Urban Legends writing-wise. Also, feel free to disagree with me I want to hear other people’s opinions of the writing.

Pros

1, Representation: It feels like it’s very realistic in its wording and framing and something an actual queer person might think or say.

2, Theme: I put this in both since im very split with this, but I like the theme of Tim trying to find out what he wants. It was something that spoke to me, since thats something I’ve been struggling with for a while now. It was also just a very sweet sentiment that Berard was what Tim wanted.

3, Art: I couldn’t not mention this, but holy fuck it’s so pretty. It might not seem like a big deal, but for me at least, a comic/animation/whatever having an ugly or poor art style can turn off an audience and make them not want to see it. But this just had such a wonderful art style, especially in the last issue.

4, Detective Drake!: While we didn’t get a ton of Tim being a little detective boy, im very happy with what we did get and I hope they continue with this root for the character.

5, Stephine: This is another im very split on, but I feel like they treated the character acter with a lot of respect. They fulled blamed Tim on why they broke up, and it was since he wanted to explore himself more. He says he still loves Steph, he just doesn’t want to be in a relationship, which pushes me more toward be dating men is not performative on the writer’s part.

Cons:

1, Theme: It can feel a little hand-fisted and. dis genuine at points due to how much it’s mentioned.

2, Characterization: I felt Berard was kind of bland. We didn’t get a ton of character out of him, and it only took me going back and reading all of his older appearances to get a feel for his character, which I so badly want to see more of soon. He feels very, “stereotypical love interest.”

3, Story focus: As I said, I loved the theme, but it can kind of lean into it too much and not pay enough attention to the actual story. Honestly, I wish we learned more about the cult or how Tim got involved in it. I just want more detective Tim okay!

4, Length: It to short. The story should have gotten more time to spread its wings and get deeper into either the plot or the theme. I feel like to tell a story like this it should have gotten a few more issues.

5, Stephine: As I said, im very split on her since come on! He broke up with her off-screen?! IT feels from a writer’s point, very disrespectful to the character. But, in my mind, this is an issue more with length than disrespect since they might have just not had time. But I hope they touch on this again later on.

I may add to this later on as I think of more things I enjoy/dislike.

#biseuxal #bi tim drake #tim drake #batman #batfam #batman urban legends #stephine brown #spoiler #bernard dowd #timber #Detetive Tim Drake

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gunterfan1992 · 4 years

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Interview with Half Shy (the songwriter of “Monster”)

For the last few months, I’ve been collecting information for a second edition of Exploring the Land of Ooo that will also cover the production of Distant Lands. This means that I’ve started to look into the new songs that we have been graced with this year, and this of course includes “Monster,” the beautiful track from the masterpiece that is “Obsidian”. And so I reached out to the song’s writer, Half Shy, who was kind enough to chat with me via email about the songwriting process!

(Photo courtesy of Half Shy)

In many ways, Half Shy is living the creative Adventure Time fan’s dream: She got asked by Adam Muto himself to write a song for “Obsidian” after he heard her music through Bandcamp! (I’ve dabbled in fan music before, and the fact that someone from the show might listen to it just blows my mind.) What an opportunity; I am so excited for her!

Since a second edition of my book won’t be coming out until after all the Distant Lands episodes air, I thought it would be best to share my Half Shy interview now. Read on for the fascinating behind the scenes story of how Half Shy and “Monster” came to be..

GunterFan: What is your origin story? How did you get involved in music, and how did the Half Shy project come to be?

Half Shy: I’ve been making music pretty quietly since I was in high school with a keyboard and guitar. I played one or two shows a year after college when I could find a friend or my brother to get up on stage with me, but I don’t really have that performer gene in me naturally. I get too much in my head and forget what the lyrics are to the song I wrote, or what the next chord is. Total brain freeze. So that whole experience is a bit of a mental drain. It’s something I think I’d like to dig into and figure out, but right now I’m really enjoying the time writing.

Even playing a song for my friends I still get pretty nervous. That’s where the name Half Shy comes from. I’ve always been interested in making things that by their nature draw a bit of a spotlight, but at the same time, I am just really quite nervous about the attention.

I recorded my first songs under my old name Hey V Kay in my bedroom and started putting them up online one at a time. When I got enough I thought about packaging it up into an album, but then got really distracted by learning how to fix up motorcycles and going to automotive tech school. When I eventually got back around to it I named the album Gut Wrenching.

After a few years I realized that I didn’t want the day-in-day-out life of a mechanic, I just wanted to know how to fix cars for myself and to have that knowledge in my back pocket. I got back into making music but grew frustrated at the process of writing and recording songs. I felt like I wasn’t able to capture the ideas I had in my head. Like trying to draw on your computer with a mouse. Doable, but it’s not going to come out like you’d hoped.

So these last couple of years I’ve focused more on learning the technical aspect of it, from the initial ideas and lyrics, to the recording and mixing. During that process I put out Bedroom Visionaries, and while writing I happened upon the name Half Shy in an old Thesaurus which felt instantly right. Learning all of that has been fun, I even went as far as to create my own book to solidify a daily writing routine (lyricworkbook.com). All that has been a bit of a tangent from actually making much music though. I should be getting my books in December from the press so I’m really looking forward to getting back into making more music instead of dealing with printing presses, setting up websites, and sourcing ribbon suppliers.

GF: What is the story behind "Monster"? How did the show get in contact with you?

HS: I keep a log of “Song Starters” with neat things I’ve heard in the world, and I would look through it every now and then and notice just how many came from Adventure Time. Eventually I thought well, I have to make a song about this show that just keeps breaking my heart. It was around the time I was nearly done with the first [Adventure Time-inspired] song “In My Element” that I got an email from Bandcamp saying “someone bought your album (Bedroom Visionaries).”

I get maybe one or two of these a month at most so I love to go in and say hi to the person and say thanks, be curious about who they are, [and] what they’re all about. Turns out it was Adam Muto, the executive producer of the show. (I asked and he has no idea how he happened upon my stuff. He guessed that I must have tagged something #adventuretime and he just happened to see it.) So I sent him an email saying, “Hey wow thanks for checking out my tunes. Also... holy crap you’ve made the best show I have ever seen in my life.” [I] played it real cool like. After finishing up writing my second [Adventure Time-inspired] song “Betty” I couldn’t help but fangirl real hard [and I sent him another message saying], “I’m sorry this is probably awkward, but I really love your show and I wrote these songs about it.” He was incredibly kind and shared them with his Twitter Universe, and a while after that I got a random email from him saying basically, “Hey, I’m working on this thing I can’t talk about, would you be interested?” I was like… well you know I’m pretty busy working at a sign shop so I’m gonna have to pass on this once in a lifetime opportunity (J/K. Obviously I fan-girl squealed and said yes immediately).

We chatted a bit about what the project was going to be and the direction. He mentioned there [would be] two Marceline songs in the special, [and he asked if I] would I be interested in giving the love song a try? Trying real hard to suppress my instant imposter syndrome I was like, “Yea, totally I’d be into giving that a shot!” So I read through the story and loved the idea of the dragon mirrored in Marceline, thinking through how they’ve both built up a protective shell, how she grew tough for a reason, but now she can open up and be vulnerable with PB.

From there I wrote the initial demo with the first two verses mostly intact and we went back and forth a few times editing it down into the final version. I recorded the final parts for the show in my little home studio in Seattle.

GS: When you were writing the song, what emotions, thoughts, or ideas were you channeling? Was there any sort of memory of event that you were trying to artistically "catch" or "recreate" with the lyrics or music?

HS: As far as channeling an emotion, generally I’d say just the experience of existing as a human. It can be so hard to open up and be vulnerable. I can remember that feeling even as a young kid—getting really excited about something and having someone completely trash it or look at you like, “Why are you so interested in that? It’s dumb.” [It causes us to grow] a little more weary to share ourselves because we know that hurt and embarrassment. The pain of being misunderstood is something I think a lot of us can relate to. Then having to decide whether to keep sharing those vulnerable parts of yourself or think, “They’re just not going to get it, I’m going to get hurt, so why bother?” and then stop putting yourself out there. You lose a lot with that thick armor though. You might feel protected, but you’re not feeling a whole lot of anything else other than the weight and chafing of it (I had a whole lot of armor-related metaphors that I didn't end up using.).

I struggle with this in songwriting too. I’m not the bolt-of-lightning type. There are pages and pages of cliches, total garbage, bad jokes, and cheesy lines that I have to get through in order to get to something that I am excited to put out there into the world: “Here I did this thing, I know it’s a little (this or that), but I made it... What do you think?” It’s hard to open yourself up to hearing the other end of that question.

I filled about 5 little pocket notebooks just thinking through the story, ideas, and trying to get this song right. I wanted it to feel familiar and honor the past songs of the show ([e.g.,] using the ukulele and referencing a few of the familiar chords from “I’m Just Your Problem”) but also be pretty open and vulnerable and different for [Marceline]. [I wanted to] show that she’s going through some tough emotions but also figuring herself out and growing.

GF: I feel like “Monster” is, at its core, an ode to the “Bubbline” ship. How do you feel about your song being intimately connected to one of the most famous LGBTQ+ relationships in animation? Do you have any general thoughts on Marcy and PB, Bubbline, etc.?

HS: Oh, I’m a total fan girl of Bubbline. The whole story of how Rebecca Sugar and Muto slowly morphed it into this deeper relationship is just great. As a part of the LGBTQ community myself it really means so much to see the representation of characters like yourself portrayed in an intelligent way. Growing up I was too young to fully understand what was going on but I saw Ellen getting cancelled, and [I] heard people around me saying they’d never watch her show again after she came out. That stuff sinks in as a kid and so to have these characters who are not only intelligent, but funny, complex, and unapologetically strong who also happen to be queer is really great. I love that the story here isn’t about their orientation, but that they’re people struggling with how to be open and vulnerable in a relationship.

It feels like something sci-fi and animated shows do so well—to show that ridiculousness of limiting who a person should and shouldn’t love. Marceline is a 1000+ year old half-demon/vampire and PB was born from the Mothergum of an apocalyptic radioactive world, but you’re going to get hung up on them loving each other? It sort of brings it into perspective in a really interesting way.

GF: Do you have any other thoughts about the experience that you'd like to share?

HS: Just how lucky, thankful, and honored I feel to be a part of my favorite show, writing a song for one of my favorite characters. It’s also incredibly cool how the people on the show are so willing to connect and collaborate with their fandom. Everyone [on the production crew] was very open and a real joy to work with.

I’d like to give a huge “Thank you!” to Half Shy for agreeing to participate in this interview; she really was quite amiable! If you’d like to hear more of her music, check out her website and her Bandcamp. You can also follow her on Instragram here and on Twitter here. And of course, here is Half Shy’s awesome video of “Monster”.

#adventure time #atimers #adventure time distant lands #atdl #half shy #monster #bubbline #marceline #marceline the vampire queen #bubblegum #princess bubblegum #pb #adam muto #interview

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highfaelucien · 3 years

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I completely agree with how you feel towards azriel. Thinking about azriel’s character now vs how I used to view him during acomaf times is just... sad and so so so much more complex. Part of me still wants to love him for the character that was presented to us in acomaf and other small good moments, like his friendship with nesta. And then the other part of me is disgusted, disappointed, and honestly kind of terrified of who he may become if sjm allows him to continue acting predatorily/toxic. The whole mor/az situation really fucked me up. As someone who is also a lesbian and an abuse survivor, it broke my heart to watch the situation unfold in acowar. It still hurts seeing many readers (and sometimes even sjm) take az’s side and paint mor as some sort of liar/two faced character that is playing everyone. I kept thinking that things would be fixed in future books, but instead az has grown worse and mor was, once again, sidelined and written out as a character. And honestly... as much as I love the idea of gwyn x azriel ... I think his books would need a lot more focus on his own recovery/growth and not center on a romantic relationship. If anything, I hope it’s written as friends to lovers so az has a better way of interacting and forming relationships with women. Because right now... well, that shit is borderline predatory and isn’t coming across well. And I really really do not want that for him. Basically, azriel deserves a better arc than what has been written for him. I miss him :( he used to be a character that made me feel safe and now :/ idk anymore

I'm going to quote parts of this/chop it up and reply to them a chunk at a time. because there's a lot going on here and I want to try and reply to as much as I can because I resonate with.....all of it. Please forgive me for the length of this.

I completely agree with how you feel towards azriel. Thinking about azriel’s character now vs how I used to view him during acomaf times is just... sad and so so so much more complex.

He feels like a different character? There was always an anger simmering under the calm surface, we knew that. But it was an anger born of love, deep down, and the desire to protect his family, and his court, at the expense of himself. Az was always the first to volunteer himself for dangerous missions, to spare the others.

Now that anger is directed at his family, and at the world, for not giving him what he feels he 'deserves'. That has NEVER been Azriel. Azriel's deepest issues and insecurities have always stemmed from the feeling of being unworthy, and undeserving of anything.

She's just made him into......Every other dude in this series tbh. Snarling, and possessive, and wanting to fuck anything in a skirt that moves.

Azriel was actually somewhat of an original, complex character initially. It's unusual that we see trauma affect men in the way it did Az. Usually it makes them angry, and vengeful, and eager to prove they are the alpha etc. Seeing them withdraw, and think less of themselves/that they're unworthy is something not explored often enough. But bye bye nuance hello #Drama.

Part of me still wants to love him for the character that was presented to us in acomaf and other small good moments, like his friendship with nesta.

I feel this. I found a lot of comfort in Az's character. Particularly the way he reacted with Mor. I was a big fan of their relationship, and I wrote a few 'missing scenes' style fics in the gap between ACOMAF and ACOWAR. One of them was where Az went to her when she had pushed everyone else away, including Cassian, and comforted and calmed her.

I hate that Maas took that away from Mor. I hate that Az no longer does that for her. I hate that Az was the one to betray her along with Rhys and bring her abuser into her safe space behind her back. I hate that he is no longer a symbol of calm, stable, dependable comfort and support for Mor, but is instead a threat. I HATE it.

Every now and then Az has lovely, gentle moments - his friendship with Nesta is a good example, and something I hoped we'd see. But also quieter times with Rhys, and their similarities being explored. And I adored the flying lessons with Feyre in ACOWAR, and the training he did with Cassian and the others in ACOFS.

But then she goes and twists him and does something else that just makes me want to fucking scream. Like the High Lord scene where he 'frightened' Mor. And his entire POV chapter which is frankly fucking gross.

And then the other part of me is disgusted, disappointed, and honestly kind of terrified of who he may become if sjm allows him to continue acting predatorily/toxic.

I agree.

I don't know how she can write a series that explores the effects of emotional abuse so well with Feyre and Tamlin...And then write what she did with Az?

The possession to a traumatised, still impressionable and desperate young woman, who likely finds the same comfort and safety in him that Mor did. Before that got shot to fucking pieces.

He sounds like a whiny toddler 'Cassian has a mate, and Rhys has a mate, where is mine!?!?!?!?' I DESERVE Elain, because I'm your brother and you guys have her sisters and what the FUCK. Who let that shit get published holy mother of god.

It's just...It's so unhealthy? Like, not even talking ship wars here (which I'm aware are rampant, and which I'm trying my best to stay away from). But that just.

How can that ever be a healthy foundation for a relationship? A man who thinks that he deserves, not only to be in a relationship with her, but to be bonded to her. Not because of HER, not because of who she is, or how she makes him feel. No. Purely because her sisters are mated to his brothers?

The whole thing made me feel so uncomfortable. It's predatory and toxic, just as you said. It's not right, it's not fair. Forget alliances and Lucien, even if none of that was a factor, that sort of thinking is still not right. And it's completely unfair to Elain.

But it also just. It didn't read like Azriel. The first part, where he struggles to sleep, and pushes himself until he passes out, and the insight that his shadows are basically hovering beside him screaming SELF CARE YOU DUMB BITCH at all times was very pleasing.

And the part where he goes to Clotho and leaves an anonymous gift for Gwyn. No fanfair. No audience. No pressure on either of them to react/perform. That felt like Az, too.

But everything in the middle. Everything with Elain, was just...Gross and out of character. And this is not because I dislike E/riel as a ship. I could get on board with it, tbh, if it wasn't written the way it was.

But it's not about ships, for me. It's just. Everything felt out of character. The predatory way he was with her. The fact he lies awake and gets himself off to fantasies of her. How apparently quickly he was aroused by putting a necklace on her. Idk, maybe it's my ace ignorance, but that doesn't sound normal/healthy to me.

Nor does him having to leave a room because he can scent her mating bond with Lucien. Or not being able to control himself to sit and eat dinner with her?

This is the same dude who has, apparently, been in love with Mor for 500 solid years, and who never did a damned thing about it. Who always kept himself in check. Even while she's had other lovers. But he can't control himself through one dinner with Elain?

It just. It doesn't feel like him. It feels like...Honestly not even Cassian. It feels like Tamlin on horny, predatory steroids. And that's not something I ever wanted to see from Azriel's POVs.

She could have explored a darker side to him without making it sexual? And misogynistic. And having him treating Elain as little more than a fucking object that he feels entitled to because 'everyone else got one, where's mine?'. What the FUCK???

The more I write it the more angry I get.

Because SJM has consistently put Az in the position of saving women when they were in danger? He was the one who found Mor near death at Autumn. He was the one who rescued Gwyn from her attackers during the war. He was the one to retrieve Elain when she was taken.

She always puts him in this position and, for better or worse, presents him as a safety figure for these women. The first person who they saw come for them, and fight for them, and protect them.

And on the inside she makes him this vile, predatory monster who just thinks constantly about fucking them? Who isn't actually safe at all?? It's sad. And it's infuriating. Because this isn't about ships anymore. This is about female survivors who have an apparent safe person who's presented as almost as dangerous as the people who attacked them in the first place. And that makes me feel so sick and sad that we've gotten here.

It still hurts seeing many readers (and sometimes even sjm) take az’s side and paint mor as some sort of liar/two faced character that is playing everyone. I kept thinking that things would be fixed in future books, but instead az has grown worse and mor was, once again, sidelined and written out as a character.

This is yet another vile thing SJM has done to queer readers with this whole fiasco. Because it puts me in a position where I want to call out her shitty writing, and what she's done to Mor - sidelining her as soon as she became queer. Undermining her power and her strength. Undermining her role as the survivor to look up to. Saying her power is truth but then making her seem like a liar. Which is all shitty, shitty, shitting writing.

But I'm also a queer person. And I will always always ALWAYS want to defend a queer person's right to remain closeted. Regardless of their reasons for doing so. But in this case it's a concern for their safety/a fear of how those around them will react. And I will NEVER condemn that. I will never say Az is suffering more than Mor for her being closeted. I will never call Mor a liar/a manipulator/two-faced when all she's doing is trying to survive.

I WILL condemn SJM for making this a scenario. For putting homophobia in her world purely to cause pain for queer characters, and drama for her straight ones. And for sidelining Mor as soon as she can't write graphic scenes with her fucking men because now she's a lesbian so we best get her off the page so the guys can get their cocks out some more.

And honestly... as much as I love the idea of gwyn x azriel ... I think his books would need a lot more focus on his own recovery/growth and not center on a romantic relationship. If anything, I hope it’s written as friends to lovers so az has a better way of interacting and forming relationships with women. Because right now... well, that shit is borderline predatory and isn’t coming across well. And I really really do not want that for him.

This is going to sound sarcastic but I actually mean it fully and completely genuinely: 95% of the drama inducing problems in this series could be fixed with some fucking therapy.

But I agree with you. I think it's high time Azriel worked on his own issues. Even if they've apparently made a complete 180 from what they were in ACOMAF.

I...Like the concept of Gwyn/Azriel, but I'm not sold on the ship. Not with the way Maas has been writing Azriel lately. That kind of man shouldn't be with any woman right now. But especially not a rape survivor who sees him as one of the first men she's been able to trust in a long time.

Basically, azriel deserves a better arc than what has been written for him. I miss him :( he used to be a character that made me feel safe and now :/ idk anymore

"he used to be a character that made me feel safe" - This shit hit me like a tonne of bricks because this is EXACTLY how I feel about Az, too. You just managed to say it in a few words instead of 12 pages of rambling, like I do.

And I think this was intention. Azriel was presented as a very dependable character. He rescued Mor, and was respectful enough to keep his distance, despite his feelings, for 500 fucking years. Because he didn't think she was ready/interested.

He had a very calm, and calming air about him. Always in control of himself. Without the expected bursts of aggression and temper we'd seen from...Every other male character in this series. He was stable, and solid, and that was comforting. An anchor. And someone who would quietly, and without fuss, seek out Mor/others when they needed someone to talk to or comfort him.

That was a very soothing, reassuring presence in the book, I felt. And now she's made him seem...volatile, and unstable. With this dangerous anger that he can't control, that he uses not to protect, but to intimidate, and to fuel his entitlement and desires.

it's just sad. It's sad that she's taken this away from Mor, but also from other survivors who found comfort and safety in Az. Because I'm sure we weren't alone in that regard.

I miss him. And I mourn the character he was, and feel anger for the character he should have been. but instead he's become yet another possessive, entitled, snarling cardboard cutout dude like...everyone else.

And I ache for the Az/Mor dynamic that we had in ACOMAF. Even without it becoming romantic, there was no reason for that to be destroyed/ruined.

She could have written it that Az is the only one who knows about her sexuality, and that he pretends he's still in love with her as a shield/buffer, so no one looks too closely/to protect her and make her feel comfortable.

Instead she turned it into a soap opera style drama. And wrote it almost as though her sexuality was her cheating on him? Denying him what he deserved. And now she's just...just pussyfooting around it. And apparently he's just. Just moved on. Without them having any kind of conversation or closure at all. He just wanks off to the thought of Elain instead of Mor, now, problem solved /s

I miss what they were. I miss what he was to Mor. I miss when she had that support system, and that safety net. I miss when he protected her. And looked out for her. And understood her in a way that no one else, not even Rhys, did.

Mor deserved that. Azriel deserved that. WE deserved that. And she nuked it for some fucking twisted drama that punishes a lesbian because a man is thirsting after her. it's a fucking disgrace. I'm so fucking done with SJM, y'all. So fucking done.

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fankerdoodledandy · 3 years

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so. i'm aroace and have more than a bit of religious trauma and my feelings around sexuality and relationships are Very complicated and messy, but. your soft techza series. holy shit. it's so good and actually helping me figure shit out and i reread at least one of the works at least once every two weeks. bc i just can't get over all the feels. i feel like i should connect you to my health insurance company bc at this point you're practically doing therapeutic work.

tl;dr: you wrote porn good enough to help cure my issues, pls write that on your resume

I've been sitting on this ask for a couple of days because it's just....so sweet and I'm so glad, I want to treasure it forever.

Not to ramble and not to get Too Heavy but as someone else with some feelings around sexuality and relationships that are Messy and Complicated, I've really loved exploring that with Techno and Phil, and it makes me feel a whole lot of things that my horny little fics have resonated with other people the way they have. I very much remember the days when I wasn't sure if I could be loved the way I was, and if I deserved that love anyway.*

When I wrote the first soft techza fic back in January (almost a year ago!) it was mostly an exercise in 'techno doesn't have a frame of reference for things that are soft, things that are beautiful in a way that isn't also dangerous'. Everything that followed ran on kind of a similar theme: how do you build something you don't have the language for? (For what it's worth, the answer Phil and Techno got to is more or less what I've got: you give it a shot anyway, because it's better figuring it out together.) Most of the thoughts I have left for that 'verse are pretty much just horny nonsense, but a whole-ass character arc of 'Techno learning how to love and be loved' evolved out of what was originally horny nonsense, so who knows what might show up someday?

I'm glad you're figuring shit out, anon, and I'm glad to have helped, in whatever little way.

*for what it's worth- I've identified as ace/a-spec on and off for approximately a decade. I'm not sure I still identify that way- depending on who's asking I'll say I'm bi or demi or just vaguely queer- so though I can't speak to the aro experience, I certainly understand the messy relationship feelings.

#asks #anons #soft techza #seriously i am treasuring this ask forever #hope you don't mind that it was posted anon #or that i used it as an excuse to ramble.

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cambionverse · 4 years

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WE FUCKING MADE IT Y’ALL

this essay, “Of Spinoffs and Spinning Off” by Louisa Stein, is a published academic work that mentions cambionverse by name as part of a 700-page book about fandom studies!? HOLY SHIT??!? this was published in 2018 but it took the sheer chaotic SPN-returns energy of 2020 for us to stumble across it. astounding. love this for us

(quick aside to caveat that of course we were not the inventors of the Team Free Will 2.0 concept, it was already well-established before our first fic posted in 2011, and “Cambionverse” as a name is pretty specific to our fic series and not something people use for all fandom content that happens to feature Ben/Jesse/Claire. BUT STILL, shoutout to literally anyone who has made fanwork of our verse over the past ten years because YOU’RE FAMOUS NOW TOO)

(second aside to say “it is also entirely possible that the creators of the eventual canon version of Claire drew inspiration from the prior fan authored versions of teenage Claire.” U DON’T SAY)

Text from the screencaps below:

“To my mind, there is no better example to demonstrate the politics of the “official” spinoff in conversation with energies and labors of fan spinning off than the longrunning fanbeloved TV series Supernatural, and so for the rest of this chapter I will use Supernatural as my case study. I do not mean to suggest that the spinning off that occurs by the hands of Supernatural fans is necessarily different in quality or significance than that of other series, fans, and fandoms, past and present. Rather I turn to Supernatural because its now 12year run offers a wealth of snapshots of different modes of industrial and fan spinning off, and the relationships and tensions between the two.

[...]

Spinning Off to a Better Text: The Cambionverse

Also in Textual Poachers, Henry Jenkins talked about how fan authorship (often) emerged from dissatisfaction as much as from enthusiasm on the part of fans. Elsewhere I have argued that fan works can be seen as critique as well as supplement in that they point to holes, to misrepresentations, to gaps, to things left wanting (Stein forthcoming). Some fan spinoff verses—like the Endverse—seem to cumulatively build on the source text, giving us more of what the text offered, and thus do not seem to be oppositional to the source text. But even such works that follow clear markers in the source text can be read as critique. Fan authorship of “Down to Agincourt” and other Endverse works function as critique as they voice fan desires for different narratives and themes, along the lines of: “We want more Endverse; We want darker tales that blur morality further; we want a darker version of Dean, a continued depiction of Sam and Lucifer, a more extended stay with drug and sex fixated Castiel.”

At the same time, spinoff verses can find their origin in critique driven by fan desire to fix some of the consistent perceived failings of the source text. For Supernatural, this means that fans envision and author spinoffs that feature female characters, people of color, and queer characters (and characters who merge these identity markers) who don’t get killed. For example, in between season eight and nine, fans envisioned a version of Supernatural that centered on powerful female “big bad” Abaddon, rather than relegating her to marginal, doomed, and finally unimportant figure. At around the same time, fans authored the first stories in what they termed Cambionverse, also referred to as “Team Free Will 2.0.” The Cambionverse envisioned the next generation of hunters, comprised of characters who had (then) only been featured in single episodes. One of these characters at the center of this fan envisioned spinoff was Claire Novak, daughter of Jimmy Novak, whose body the angel Castiel possessed. Like the Endverse, Claire Novak had offered story and character potential that the Supernatural series seemed to overlook but that resonated with fans. Thus, as fans continued to write stories featuring Claire together with other oneoff characters Jesse Turner and Ben Braeden, these stories to a certain degree served as critique of Supernatural’s poor story choices and flawed ideologies of representation.

Fans spin critique into new work with all the transmedia tools and then some that they deploy for the televisual source. Cambionverse creators create fic, GIF sets, vids, art, meta, and fanmixes (musical playlists created and shared on interfaces like 8Tracks and Tumblr, http://8tracks.com/explore/cambionverse/popular/1). This active transmedia spread positions Cambionverse as an expansive multimedia universe in its own right with the fic at the center, but as was the case with “Down to Agincourt,” there is arguably more collaborative feedback with less purposefully clear policing of the lines drawn between “official” and “unofficial” authorship. The Cambionverse spreads across multiple platforms deployed by fans, including An Archive of Our Own, Tumblr, and 8Tracks, spun by multiple authors in multiple forms. Thus, the Cambionverse demonstrates how transmedia authorship and the multiplicitous transmedia landscape further destabilize traditional notions of authorial control.

[...]

Fan literacies extend beyond close textual analysis of the series to knowledge about the politics and potential of Supernatural’s future production, to a larger production literacy regarding the creation of spinoffs, as we have seen in fan coordination and campaigns for the Supernatural spinoff Wayward Daughters. Arguably, the concept for Wayward Daughters emerged from the same fan impulse that birthed the Cambionverse: the desire to tell the stories of characters with strong potential who were underused or introduced in an episode, and who were left underdeveloped yet with strong narrative potential. In response to these rich narrative gaps, fans told Claire Novak’s story through to her teenage years. They wrote various versions of Claire’s narrative in the years between her character’s first (one episode long) introduction in Supernatural’s fourth season and her eventual return six years later in the series’ tenth season. By the time the official Supernatural writers cast Claire as a teenager and brought her to the screen, fandom had already fleshed out her character and narrative. Supernatural actor Kathryn Newton came to fill a character already fleshed out in the fan imagination, in GIF sets, vids, featuring actors from other media fancast to serve the character of Claire, and drawn and painted by fan imagination in lines inspired by these fan castings and by individual interpretation. Both fans and the Supernatural producers were working with the same source and question: what would Claire Novak as we saw her in season four be like as a teenager, given her physical qualities and personal trajectory? Thus, perhaps it is not surprising that the teenage Claire Novak of eventual Supernatural “canon” looked quite a bit like the fan imagined Claire, blonde but sullen, a rebellious teenager with an angelic chip on her shoulder (and in the world of Supernatural, the descriptor angelic is not a compliment ...). Of course, given the visibility of fan work and the knowledge of fandom displayed by Supernatural producers, it is also entirely possible that the creators of the eventual “canon” version of Claire drew inspiration from the prior fan authored versions of teenage Claire.”

Louisa Stein is Associate Professor of Film & Media Culture at Middlebury College, Vermont, USA. Her work on gender and generation in media culture and transmedia authorship has appeared in numerous journals and anthologies. She is a book review editor for Cinema Journal and the Journal of Transformative Works and Cultures. She is coeditor of the collections Teen Television (McFarland, 2008) and Sherlock and Transmedia Fandom (McFarland, 2012). Her book Millennial Fandom: Television Audiences in the Transmedia Age was published by the University of Iowa Press in Fall 2015.

In conclusion:

^ This artwork is now famous.

#cambionverse #claire novak #jesse turner #ben braeden #fandom studies #fanworks #does that tag count for this????#this textbook is worth 162 american dollars #and we are in it our fanfiction is real #I'm shooketh #what do you MEAN the real world can see us in here #frankly if we're going to do this they should all be paying us

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evilwriter37 · 3 years

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2021 Fic Review

Tagged by @lifbitch. Thank you!

total number of completed works: 283

total word count: 693,863. Now, taking into account that it counts all the words of the long fics you work on, not just the updated words, I'd say that number is probably lower by about 100k. So 593k.

looking back, did you write the more, less, or the expected amount of fic this year? More! Usually I hit around 300k words per year, but holy shit, almost 600k??? I basically doubled my usual word count! Wow! I think all those events I took place in really helped.

your own favorite story of the year? Knight in Shining Armor

did you take any writing risks this year? Oh definitely. I started genderbending, and writing characters as trans, and writing about controversial topics. I did a lot of new things, and I'm proud of myself for it.

do you have any fanfic goals for the new year? Febuwhump, Whumpay (if it's running), Whumptober. I want to finish Scholar's Mate, and get pretty far in An Heir and a Throne. Finish the Alphabet Challenge series that I'm doing.

most popular story of the year? Scholar's Mate

story most under-appreciated? Probably my Heather-centric stories. She's so great to write, and her trauma can be fun to explore. Yet, she's kind of hated in the fandom so those stories don't get a lot of hits. My favorites were from Whumptober. Blood and Water, Laughter in Her Head, and Blood Brother are my favorites about Heather for the year.

most fun story to write? Scholar's Mate. I really enjoy portraying queer relationships and kink.

most unintentionally telling story: Lol, you mean telling about myself? Also Scholar's Mate. Y'all know what my kinks are. Sorry.

biggest disappointment: Nothing.

my favorite part of fandom this year: AU-gust and Whumptober! So many cool fics were written for those events! I just loved it!

Not sure who to tag. Anyone can do this if they want!

#writing #fanfiction #httyd #rtte

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the-thorster · 3 years

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Well, I think the Tatort screenwriter know exactly what they are doing and how Adam and Leo are seen. I mean, for 2 year homosexual relationship are being carefully hinted or even shown as a side relationship (and not for comedic relief) in afternoon shows like Rote Rosen. But open homosexuality between two Kommissaren in the holy German Tatort is a way bigger step and if it would go wrong (because the boomers are being afraid of the gays) the backlash would be much more severe and could end the Saarbrücken Team. A side relationship in a afternoon show could easily been written out and would most likely not affect the main story. But a relationship between two main characters in a Tatort is something different. Furthermore, the predecents in Saarbrücken already flopped and the SR really needs a win now. I think they will observe the reactions to Adam and Leo for a while and then decide in the next or the one after that in which way their relationship will go. Till now all ways are still open...and they are being deliberately kept open.

You’re right, it’s a huge step. I also know that daily soaps have queer characters in them, and you’re also right in that it’s easy to write them out. Even the bisexual lead in Tatort Berlin, one MIGHT argue (I’m not gonna), can be depicted in a straight-passing relationship. I know Tatort has many casual viewers like my parents (or myself, as I only have watched a handful in my life), who know nothing about the detectives' private lives. So the ARD could actually surprise some viewers with queer leads over and over again if they wanted, because there will always be people that didn’t know. I agree that ARD/SR are probably a little scared because of the fact the old Saarbrücen team flopped so badly, but looking at the audience ratings from our past two episodes … they’re doing so well.

Plus, and I say this all the time, we’re two episodes in. The good thing is that there’s a lot of episodes before us in which they can explore it (and ways kept open) and the bad thing is that the time to explore a relationship AND solve a murder case within 90 minutes will always be too little.

#tatort saarbrücken #anonymous

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helloamhere · 3 years

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Fic of bad feelings my beloved!

I don’t really have anything significant to say except that I wanted to add to the chorus of people who would like to let you know that they would welcome and adore the fic of bad feelings in any way you ever decide to post. As someone who’s been involved in poly relationships in the past I’ll take thoughtful, mature, positive exploration of non traditional relationships in any shape I can!

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️!!! I want to laze about and write nothing but sweet terrible boys trying VERY hard to be mature (sometimes failing but never failing to be positive). You people are a terrible influence. I am always surprised that there isn’t more stable, solid, loving poly explored in fic, you know?? Especially as a queer person?? UGH I want to Be The Change and write it myself but also everything is exhausting and I’m incapable of writing anything good right now.

Here is the second scene in the fic. I absolutely adore writing Zayn’s point of view in this fic, a character I’ve never fully written a POV from. He is a delight of a strange soul:

*** The high holy ritual that was Sunday Gay Brunch had a location determined anew each week by a complex algorithm derived from continually shifting input variables. For instance, who'd been to the Dolores Park morning bootcamp workout, who had a car in a decent parking spot, and how many victims had been sacrificed on the altar of Friday or Saturday club nights, increasingly fatal the further they got from college. David was always trying to get them to do an East Bay location, but wasn’t that a lost cause. This week it was too close to downtown for Zayn's comfort, across a couple of hairy left turns and in an awful parking zone. So Harry was driving. Besides, brunch was at a new place Zayn had never heard of, and it didn’t take reservations, which meant that he had to hustle Harry out of their bedroom by pretending brunch was forty minutes earlier than it actually was, and all in all this was enough energy demand for this particular morning, thank you very much.

Without Zayn’s hustling, Harry might otherwise have consigned them to tardiness with Zayn’s face to the hallway wall and Harry's fist in Zayn’s hair, and it wasn’t that Zayn didn’t love that, but then they’d be late and hold everybody up and brunch was stressful enough for Zayn, beautiful morning orgasms notwithstanding. Plus the weekly chain had included several raves about french toast, along with forty meme-drenched texts that flew over his head. And Zayn was starving. “You’re quiet,” Harry observed, as they walked from the car. “I’ve been dealing with a lot,” Zayn said. Harry twinkled at him in the way that Zayn knew meant, a lot in your head, but he wouldn’t have loved Harry the way that he did if Harry didn’t accept this as the nature of Zayn’s existence. “New brunch location,” Harry said, nodding. Zayn loved him. Louis was waiting for them outside. He looked gorgeous, tipping back and forth on his heels in the square middle of the sidewalk with his hands in his pockets, wreathed in a brief moment of sunlight. “Nice new jacket,” Zayn said, appreciatively. “I know. Picked it up on Valencia the other day, thought I'd experiment with floral,” Louis said, scooting close to give Zayn a very nice hug. “You went shopping but you didn’t take me? I want it, I want this jacket whenever you’re not wearing it,” Zayn said, plucking at the collar of the jacket and smoothing it down. Harry made a noise that sounded like of course which they both ignored. “It was a whim!” Louis protested. “I was fully going to drag you into that place next time we went by.” “Hmm,” Zayn said. Done with the collar, Zayn patted Louis around the tops of his skinny shoulders. Louis felt light and smelled like a fresh shower. He was smiling at Zayn, sleepily, his eyes puffy in the skin underneath like he'd been out. He had gone home after their Saturday of video games, which was a little disturbing, and Zayn wondered if he’d been out running before brunch. Things were dire, if so. Sunday was Louis’ main day to be lazy. “What’s wrong with you this morning? Why you being uncharacteristically handsy?” Louis said, suspicious. “Nothing,” Zayn said, tucking his hands back in the pockets of his inferior jacket. It was plain black and suddenly felt very boring. “Harry is corrupting you, relationships are a black hole, just sailing past the event horizon into domesticity and the collapse of spacetime,” Louis observed, giving Harry a morning hug that somehow involved fist pounding and pinching. Zayn did not point out that spacetime wasn't so much a collapse as it was an unknown singularity at the point of a black hole (not that points existed in such space, but for the sake of metaphorical understanding), and gave himself several mental points for this restraint. Louis might have laughed, but on a morning like this he might also have felt hurt, and Zayn had a sense that this was one of those times Harry might look over with meaningful eyes and say babe, try to be a human. “Not the hair, it’s brunch, you animal,” Louis wailed at Harry, like it was going to make anything off limits to Harry, who had a wingspan advantage on Louis that he never failed to take advantage of. Zayn reflected that sometimes the point wasn't the literal meaning. Sometimes the point was the metaphor. This, too, was something he was working on. He looked back at Louis. “Sorry,” Harry said insincerely at the same time as Zayn said, “What do you mean, relationships are a black hole?” “I mean nothing, except that Harry is a terrible influence if it makes you give two minute hugs, Zap. You’re the person I depend on for misandry,” Louis said, walking them into the restaurant with energy unwarranted for a Sunday morning. Zayn stared very hard at the back of his head, but it gave up no secrets. “Sure. Did you at least catch up on sleep?” Harry asked as they went in, so Zayn clearly wasn't the only one worried about how Louis was doing, post-Michael. Not that they’d even known about Michael until this weekend. It was so hard to tell, with Louis, and Zayn

didn’t really know how to ask. “Sure, sleep probably happened, counting sheep and jumping fences, tra la la,” Louis said, blinking over the fine purple shadows in the rounds of his eyesockets, and already waving to the rest of the boys. Harry and Zayn exchanged a quick look over the shouting greeting calls of morning brunch. “Metaphors,” Zayn said, warningly. But this time Harry only looked confused.

#the fic of bad feelings #zayn takes a lot of things literally and he's working on it #my writing #you people are so infinitely kind #this triad has three brain cells and zayn has two and a half of them #they are both SO worried about louis though

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