#being poly with bpd is interesting

[littlestcorpse]

Back on my mentally ill bs but imma cling to a new blog for this so just enjoy the radio silence fuckers

[thelovesickbakery]

♡ ⸺ Name: niko

♡ ⸺ Birthday: feb 28

♡ ⸺ Age: 23

♡ ⸺ Gender Identity & Pronouns: she/her; cis

♡ ⸺ Sexuality: bi

♡ ⸺ I am (Yandere/Non-Yandere): yandere, only as coping mechanism

♡ ⸺ Looking for (Friendship/Romance): romance only pls !!

♡ ⸺ Looking for a (Yandere/Non-Yandere): either, but if you're yandere i'd like to talk before we establish any kind of dynamic !!

♡ ⸺ Thinking of a friend/romantic partner, I am looking for: someone who doesn't mind me being a housewife and someone who would be willing to move to me (i live in midwest). someone who's emotionally available and wants love as badly as i do. i'm bi but i prefer masc presenting generally!

♡ ⸺ Small details about myself (interests and love language, for example): i'm audhd and i have a lot of special interests. i'll yap your ear off about random things but i'm really good at listening in return. i'm shy at first but once i click with someone i open up. my love languages are physical touch and quality time. one of my special interests is dogs and training them. my dream is an akc registered dog. i'm really feminine and have a goth style ^w^ i can't vc a lot except before bed but i would make exceptions once i know it won't annoy someone that i live with other people. last thing is that i luv nonsexual petplay. i wanna be someones puppy so bad!!

♡ ⸺ Extra information: i live with my best friend (we both have bpd and are each others favorite person) and her husband. once i have a partner we can save and put something on the property for us to call our own :) since i always get asked: we're not poly, we're all monogamous and they're both happily married. i'm just trying to start my own life with my own person !

♡ ⸺ Contact information: my discord is: kushpuppy_ . just lmk you're from the lovesick bakery !!

—♡—

[sorcerous-caress]

Drabbles 3.5

♡ Characters

[part one] [part two here]

Shadowheart

Early Access mean queen

Being a half-elf

Minthara

Showing affection to her children

Flowers

College Counselor

College Counselor 2

Gale

Magical artifacts feeding kink

Tom&Jerry Gale pt.1

Tom&Jerry Gale pt.2

Tom&Jerry Gale pt.3

Wyll

With an oath-breaker brutal gf

Calling him a monster

Girl dad

Ballroom dancing

Patron Wyll to Warlock reader

Attempting to help reader break their pact

With a warlock GOO reader

Icarus and his father

Cumming too quickly in bed

Meme 1

Zrell

Finally having you

Arnell hollowleaf (Shadowheart's dad)

Sitting on his lap as he reads you a book on elves

Astarion

Lesser god of life Durge

Gnome Tav meme

Cat meme

Lae'zel

With a bpd tav

Sword and pen

Overarchiver

Rolan

Drinking buddies bully

Lorroakan

Character study

History with you

Lorin

Confession

Ghustil Stornugoss

Medical play

Ulder Ravengard

His office desk

Geraldus

Ceremony

Cazador

Meme

History study and human kink

Alfira

Interested in you

Character study

Karniss

Beautiful

Several characters

Niche fetishes

Raising kids

Any% whore SR

With a sick Tav

gävle goat

Cumming too quickly

Obsessed with eating you out

Psychiatrist and patient

"Do you think we are soulmates in every universe?"

Love and the dead three

Memes

Gith and being touch starved

Tadpole air dropping songs

Poly

Halsin human kink

The Prince and the star

Song of Baldurian

You're all wrong - meme

Asking them to buy you pads meme

Books

[poppyandzena]

On the BPD, polyamory, and ableism accusation ZP and Saige has said:

Someone has epilepsy, their friend tells them to avoid an EDM show because of the flashing lights, is that abelist?

Obviously mental health is malleable, you can fix things in yourself like jealousy but Poppy and Saige have 0 interest in that and would rather impose strict boundaries that are unsuitable for both their mental health and polyamory.

It not only hurts them, it hurts the people they involve themselves with--traumatizing them. It's not crazy to say that you should rethink being in poly relationships if you cannot manage them healthily.

[polyamorouspunk]

Sleepover Monday? Sure.

I'm in so much pain over this girl who's so mean sometimes but also so nice sometimes. I haven't spoken to her in months, and I'm kinda afraid when we talk in a couple of days, it's gonna be the last time because we don't have anything forcing us to see each other anymore. She's so antisocial when she doesn't *have* to talk to anyone. I'm so afraid of losing her even though we're sometimes toxic together. I didn't think I would care at this point, but I can't stand the thought of her not being in my life ever again. I still don't even know if she's poly or if I even want to be with her. I think I just want more time to figure that out, and I'm sad.

- your moping mutual who's afraid she's gonna somehow find this if it's attached to their username lol 😣

It’s not don’t worry and oh my god???

Okay okay so like I came on here yesterday to bitch about how my ex FP was coming back and like don’t get me wrong she’s come in as a customer before so I’ve had to see her and after like the third time she came back in I stopped crying about it and we were honestly kinda chill again and I was hanging out at my normal hangout spot in the store (every store has an area where the employees gather to gossip and shit) and she was there doing onboarding stuff and like honestly her personality is just so… like this bitch. This bitch I kid you not is the exact kind of girl who cries wolf all the time at shit which is exactly why she was like oh person with BPD? 911 I’m in danger I’m working with a baby serial killer-

But holy shit her charisma. Is off the fucking charts. Like honestly I went from this morning texting my friend all the things I wanted to say to her to then seeing her and she was just so sweet and charming again and I was like… FUCK. Because I can feel myself wanting to go EXACTLY back to how I was when she was my FP which is like “look! Look! Look at this thing I did!” Or “Guess what? Guess what?” And Jesus Christ she is treating me the exact same way she was before she told me I was “threatening” to her and all this shit. And I HATE it. I’m like wow bitch it ain’t even been a day and you’re already back to puppy-tail-wagging at her.

Also the last girl I was kind of seeing who then also decided a bitch with BPD wasn’t for her I am still not over her and it’s driving me crazy. I’m like I’m so glad I had one bitch walk out of my life because of my BPD just for the bitch who walked out of my life because of my BPD before her to come waltzing back in.

I’m so so so tired of falling for people who really don’t seem like they are good for me? Especially when it comes to having BPD?

Honestly like not to be like “I diagnosis you with me” but like… mood.

I hope like… you figure out what you want and it works out? I mean it seems like she’s not gonna hold on to keeping in touch with you anyway so it’s probably out of your hands anyway? But like yikes. Can we PLEASE have some healthy options who we are interested in?

[misscammiedawn]

for the ask meme - 38?

From this ask meme.

38. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?

I am unsure what "didn't expect to" would mean in this context. With our romantic partners I would say none of them were expected. The first was a long back and forth story where she confessed her feelings and we spent a couple years unsure if a relationship was the right choice.

With our recent poly relationships they all just came about. I cannot even mark a day when anything was truly initiated. It just grew. At least with Sleepy and Daja I know when the relationships officially began.

I would admit that I did not expect the diversity of gender and ages of my partners. Having a boyfriend is wonderful and not something I'd have assumed prior to both transitioning and identifying as asexual. I adore our silly science boy. He's a delight.

Much akin to the answer that was given regarding jealousy, I believe we are not truly able to conceive of being desired romantically and tend to assume that we are misreading things until it is made overt. Any people who we did not end up in a relationship with that we were nonetheless attached to we never applied romantic affection to, more that we were just deeply fond of the person and were attached to. Those would could as the few people that would fall under the category of "FP" in BPD community speak, that is to say "favorite/focus person"-- an obsessive fixation.

To date there have been 4 people who have fallen into that category and in keeping with the other members of our DBT groups our relationship with the first 3 isn't in the best of states. One we have had a blazing on/off friendship for the past two decades that has simmered down to having a single phone call a year. I still consider them one of our closest friends. One, after 2 years of not talking, we got back in contact and now have a firm agreement "we can never talk about our personal lives" in order to erect boundaries and ensure we do not hurt one another. The third was Family and I broke it off with them in a fairly devastating fashion that we are still not emotionally recovered from... and then there's the fourth-- I have warned about our tendency to do this and have created some structure to avoid us wrecking things once again. I hope not to lose the 4th. Though I believe I would enjoy losing the obsessive fixations.

Relationships are difficult at times.

Perhaps that's not quite the expected answer but I do hope it is an interesting one.

[kaimakesart]

こんにちは！元気ですか？⬇️

TYYSM FOR MY REQUEST!! it was super cool ownsjsk and since you said you take matchups i shall send this in! so may I request a Romantic Matchup for Hazbin Hotel please? (The only charaters i don’t want are Vox and husker) I love husker but I just don’t see it and I’m good with poly 시작하자!

my name is joey, i have autism, ADHD, schizophrenia, OCD & BPD, im transgender (ftm), aromatic bisexual and unlabeled

appearance wise, im pretty midsize, well I’m 5’6 (167.64 cm), i have a rectangular body shape, white skinned, i have dyed black boy hair with bangs, hazel eyes, glasses dark eyebags, piercings, i wear a lot of different styles like goth (trad goth, romantic goth, mall goth, cyber goth and victorian goth), gyaru (hime gal, himekaji, agejo, rokku, manba, banba, kogal, tsuyome and kigurimin) scenemo/emo, & vkei ouji and lolita, when I’m at home/work/school I wear Streetwear clothes such as baggy stuff and I also wear a lot of Y2K stuff too

I’m a Aquarius, an ENTP/INFP, 4w3 and Extroverted

My top interest is anime/manga, my other main interests are gaming, anthropology, pathology, zoology, music (including Vocal Synths! I’m a vocaloid producer and a regular one too), filmmaking, art(drawing, painting, pottery, digital art, etc), learning instruments, learning languages, tabletop RPGs, rhythm games, cosplaying, watching documentaries, going on walks, skateboarding, taking pictures of things that I think are pretty, collecting figurines/stuffed animals and puppetry, dancing, science/history, and cooking, art is definitely my top main hobby rn, im dedicating a lot of time to it

Im usually awkward at first when I meet someone new, unless if I feel really comfortable or if I’m in a safe situation, when I’m comfortable with a person you CANNOT shut me up, I’ll be rambling about my interests and shit, i have a hard time communicating and understanding social cues due to my autism, my emotions come off as sarcastic or silly, im someone very entertaining and calming to be around with, i have a hard time taking everything seriously, and I find humor in pretty much, i also feel the urge to correct any faulty information, i also talk very differently with my words since some people say I use “BIG” words, for the most part I’m pretty chill— but what some would consider “repressed anger issues” and I can be verbally aggressive when prevoked.

my love languages are basically all of them, and for dates i would enjoy going to an arcade and shop and also I would also love to see a movie, go get dinner from somewhere fancy or whatever and take a nice walk in the park.

I’m like the dad friend and I have a bad habit of being a therapist for my friends, i like to keep stuff with me when I go out like chapstick and some water bottles for my friends and me as well, i really like to make things for people I’m close with and that includes drawing stuff for them as well, i have a realllllyyy overactive brain. i tend to get really deep and philosophical when I’m left on my own to long, so I try to keep myself and mind occupied with stuff to distract me, i dream to become a lead singer for a vkei band in japan, also I know 6 languages which are Japanese, Korean, Spanish, Arabic, Polish and French

likes: vocaloid/utau, hajime hinata (danganronpa), a silent voice, albedo (genshin impact), felix kranken (twf), bread, sharks, christmas music/christmas in general, scp 3008 (roblox game), get a snack at 4am (roblox game), musicals, hotels, my friends, enstars (switchP + more), rhythm games, doukyuusei, mystic messenger, twf, genshin, lemon demon/neil cicierega in general, breaking bad, eddsworld, homestuck, horimiya, hxh, the great gatsby, saiki k, hamilton (sadly, im sorry.)

dislikes: negitive mentions of my voice, comparing me to people/saying stuff like "you remind me of ____", and spiders (NOT ANGEL DUST, I LOVE HIM SM)

also these are some of my top kins!!:  hiyori tomoe (enstars), yoosung kim (mystic messenger), jumin han (mystic messenger), hanako (tbhk), felix kranken (twf), albedo (genshin impact), shoya ishida (a silent voice), tom (eddsworld), eridan (homestuck), karkat (homestuck), miyamura izumi (horimiya), natsume sakasaki (enstars), sora harukawa (enstars), V (mystic messenger), hagumi kitazawa (bandori), matsubara kanon (bandori), shinji ikari (neon genesis evangelion), lain iwakura (serial experiments lain), hajime hinata (danganronpa), yuno gasai (future diary), gojo satoru (jujutsu kaisen), kangel (needy streamer overdose), ame-chan (needy streamer overdose) URUMI AKAMAKI (alice in borderland), verosika mayday (helluva boss), idia shorud (twisted wonderland) crush (cherry crush) and more....!

merci beaucoup! أتمنى لك يومًا رائعًا!

𝐇𝐢𝐲𝐚 𝐣𝐨𝐞𝐲! 𝐌𝐦 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐚 𝐛𝐢𝐭 𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐞 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐞𝐧𝐠𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐛𝐞𝐜𝐚𝐮𝐬𝐞 𝐰𝐞 𝐝𝐨𝐧𝐭 𝐤𝐧𝐨𝐰 𝐦𝐮𝐜𝐡 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐡𝐚𝐳𝐛𝐢𝐧 𝐚𝐬 𝐚 𝐬𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐬 𝐲𝐞𝐭, 𝐧𝐨𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐬 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧 𝐢𝐭, 𝐛𝐮𝐭𝐭𝐭𝐭𝐭 𝐧𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐥𝐞𝐬𝐬! 𝐘𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐦𝐚𝐭𝐜𝐡𝐮𝐩 𝐢𝐬....

𝐀𝐧𝐠𝐞𝐥 𝐝𝐮𝐬𝐭!

𝐈 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐬𝐞𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐛𝐨𝐭𝐡 𝐨𝐟 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐠𝐞𝐭𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐚𝐥𝐨𝐧𝐠 𝐪𝐮𝐢𝐭𝐞 𝐰𝐞𝐥𝐥, 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐚𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐭𝐢𝐜𝐬 𝐦𝐚𝐲 𝐛𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐨𝐩𝐩𝐨𝐬𝐢𝐭𝐞 𝐬𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐭𝐢𝐦𝐞𝐬 𝐛𝐮𝐭 𝐡𝐞𝐲, 𝐨𝐩𝐩𝐨𝐬𝐢𝐭𝐞𝐬 𝐚𝐭𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐭! 𝐀𝐧𝐠𝐞𝐥 𝐰𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐠𝐨 𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐲𝐨𝐮, 𝐭𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐭𝐨 𝐩𝐥𝐚𝐜𝐞𝐬 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐧𝐝 𝐭𝐢𝐦𝐞 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐢𝐧 𝐠𝐞𝐧𝐫𝐚𝐥. 𝐌𝐚𝐲𝐛𝐞 𝐢𝐭𝐬 𝐜𝐮𝐝𝐝𝐥𝐞𝐝 𝐮𝐩 𝐨𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐜𝐡, 𝐰𝐚𝐭𝐜𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐚 𝐦𝐨𝐯𝐢𝐞, 𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐢𝐧 𝐚 𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐤, 𝐨𝐫 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐧 𝐚𝐭 𝐚 𝐟𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐲 𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐧𝐞𝐫. 𝐀𝐬 𝐥𝐨𝐧𝐠 𝐚𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐭𝐰𝐨 𝐨𝐟 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐭𝐨𝐠𝐞𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫, 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐰 𝐲𝐨𝐮’𝐫𝐞 𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐲 𝐭𝐨 𝐛𝐞 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐡𝐢𝐦. 𝐇𝐞 𝐢𝐬 𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐧 𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐲 𝐡𝐢𝐦𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟.

𝐘𝐨𝐮 𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐞𝐝 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐛𝐞𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐚 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐩𝐢𝐬𝐭 𝐟𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐝 𝐨𝐫 𝐚 “𝐝𝐚𝐝“ 𝐟𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐝 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐈 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐤 𝐡𝐞 𝐰𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐟𝐢𝐧𝐝 𝐬𝐨𝐦𝐞 𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐭 𝐢𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭. 𝐆𝐢𝐯𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐡𝐞𝐬 𝐛𝐞𝐞𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐫𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡, 𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐰𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐜𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮’𝐫𝐞 𝐚𝐥𝐰𝐚𝐲𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐡𝐢𝐦, 𝐰𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐦𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐡𝐢𝐦 𝐞𝐜𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐜. 𝐇𝐨𝐩𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐠𝐨𝐨𝐝 𝐞𝐧𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐲𝐚, 𝐣𝐨𝐞𝐲! 𝐈𝐭 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐟𝐮𝐧 𝐭𝐨 𝐝𝐨 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐈 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐝 𝐰𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐮𝐩 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬𖤐♥︎

[knightofhylia]

Life Overview

It's been a while since I've used this deck and the spirit is rather shy so I did the Life Overview spread for myself for those who like to see before they try tarot!

Me

What potential exits in me now? To be honest, all the potential. Through a mix of good and bad life events (moving, changing jobs) I have a LOT of free time. I definitely am not sitting in the lap of luxury so that is about the only hindrance to the growth. But that being said there is a lot I can do without financial support, my main issue is just choosing a focus (it'sa AuDHD). I'm my own limit and my own roadblock (as usual). Trying to figure out what I want to focus on leads to a lot of reprioritizing and stuff gets thrown out. Currently, I'm still sorting through, creating and aborting projects as they come along.

Family

What have I learned from my visit to the underworld? Well, I have been in recovery of Borderline Personality Disorder for a few months and I'm only getting better. My therapist is extremely proud of the progress I am making. In her 15 years od doing therapy she has only cleared 3 people of being fully recovered from BPD and I intend to be the 4th! Being in the process of recovery has taught me so much. I know when a lot of people see stuff about people overcoming depression or any number of mental illnesses they think 'that can't be me, I'm unfixable' and for 20+ fucking awful miserable years my husband made me get my act together. Recovery feels BAD people. There is nothing glorious about being in your 20s having to fill out emotion charts and hygiene routines and food menus like a preschooler BUT IT WORKED. Now, I can't even remember the last major mood swing I had? it's been years since I last self harmed? I'm comfortable in my body and my friendships? I get along with my family?

And the part about the ancestors is right in light with ancestor month coming in November. I've been pretty hesitant to do ancestor work because of how little information I have, and my history with my relatives. I have been noticing my abusive dad's spirit's influence around and I am nervous about interacting with him spiritually (to be clear, not as a threat, I've asked my guides many times if he is a threat and no, they are filtering his interactions, but that obviously means that they want us to interact).

Friends

lord knows I have had some pretty tumultuous friendships in the past few years. I've been getting dreams about friends from ELEMENTARY school I used to roleplay sonic with and had messy fall outs with, like cmon that was 2 decades ago!! But they are all pointing to the same thing. I've had to cut so many people out, distance myself, it's taken a lot to be able to finally have a comfortable give and take with my friends :) No one is constantly begging me for money anymore, or getting jealous or competitive, we all build each other up and have vast interests and hobbies! during this quarantine after being trapped with my so-called-bestie and having that messy fallout, then being isolated in a new town, the wound has been slow to heal. But I'm at the point where I just don't give a fuck about any of the shit that happened anymore because it's not relevant now. I am definitely seeing my relationships in difference angles from this view.

Love

I think I'm more of the guide in this one lol as a poly marriaged person who has been dating for like 3 years with fucking zero zilch nada to show for it :'). Mostly people who get scared off when we set a single boundary or too immature in too many ways. Not that I haven't dated or had fun relationships but I haven't felt anything NEAR a connection like I have had with my husband even back when we were roomies. As an poly autistic person my platonic and romantic boundary is pretty blurry. Usually like first week of talking to a new friend I'm like damn do I have a romantic crush? Then I'm like nope just new person friend energy. Well it's been a few months and now I'm laying on the floor listening to mitski, hillary duff,and fob so you know they've been haunting my dreams and psyche🙄cringe right? my goofy ass downloaded pokemon go to catch some hearts, and now my husband is playing it with me so it's kinda of a win win either way LOL (hashtag poly life). and to think 7 years ago I was playing Pokemon Go with my roomie so we didn't have to go back to the apartment and deal with my cheating boyfriend and bedbugs.... now we are married 3 years with 4 cats and a mortgage <3 I could not be able to love like I do now without being shown what unconditional love truly with from my spouse <3

Career

Are theyre bonds I still have strong? Oh yes. This card directly correlates to what all my cards across many decks say when I ask them about career. They all talk about community, networks, friends, building things together. At first I interpreted this as 'rely on commissions to live' but now I see it is 'going to events and talking to irl people and bonding with them makes you a good customer to them and therefore they can be a good customer to you when you put yourself out there'. which is why I've been working on more tarot stuff! Another interesting thing about this, with the second question asking if someone can help, I have been considering summoning an ancestor that owes me a LOT and having them to help clear a way for our business. A lot of this is also, a lot of life events happened so the other people who are part of the business are farther away but now we can actually visit each other so working together more is the key.

Although these cards did not appear next to each other I included the duality interpretation because I believe it is still relevant that they both showed up. I think a lot about my legacy since I am doing my part and ending my bloodline :). for me that means preparing for my future reincarnations. I have some ideas for spells I want to do before my death to ensure that my next incarnations have a best astral foot forward! I'm interested in this 'desire for the taboo'. For the two cards to be in the 'career' and 'friends' spot I assume maybe this has to do with the taboo of starting businesses with your friends (which we are doing). Also 'taboo' forms of career could also mean vending and tarot commissions since they are pretty frankly looked down upon as a legit business.

Interpretation:

Life is good! Lots of themes of coming out of darkness, seeing things from different views, and renewal, but not without points to focus on. Friends and Career seem to be my weakest links right now, which both revolve around me interacting socially which like you know how that goes. Lot of things are confirmed here (my crush, my ancestors reaching out, my career path). Looking forward to doing more readings with him!

->Like this spread and deck? Get a free reading from me! <-

[psychomoxxie]

The Lame Brain Manipulation Game

I recently got a message from a new woman friend -- who's a long-time mutual friend of someone I've known since I was in my 20's -- regarding that last post I made about my recent debacle with the Cracker (i.e. the very odd person I was very briefly almost romantically entangled with -- or perhaps "ensnared" is the more appropriate term).

She pointed out that people like him are very masterful at being manipulative, and that I shouldn't feel responsible or bad about myself for being taken in, however briefly, by his wiles. Which of course is true. Except here's the thing; I thought I was too smart for that sort of thing. And I wasn't. Yes, yes -- the man was a literal genius, it is true. But, I'm no slouch myself, intellectually. A MASSIVE underachiever, yes, but in the ol' brain meats department, I'm certainly not lacking. Which is how we connected in the first place.

That's what I get for thinking I'm so goddamned smart...

So the question becomes, how and why did I get sucked in? Was it loneliness? AM I lonely for a relationship? I've always been quite content to be alone, and am almost always restless, discontented, and unsatisfied in romantic relationships (largely because of the sort of people I tend to attract, which as we've discussed tend to be variations on a theme, the theme being untreated mentally ill, deeply disturbed personality disordered abuser types like my mother); so I'm not really certain if that's the answer. I am leaning more towards boredom, and yes, a need for connection, as well...which blinded me from some of the red flags that came up. And they did indeed come up.

Fortunately, I am not emotionally hurt by this debacle, which tells me my so called "emotional connection" I was so convinced I had was just as much of a confection as he was. Which is interesting. I didn't shed a single tear, or feel even a twinge of loss, which rather surprised me. What I DID feel was mortified, embarrassed, and disgusted with myself.

When will I learn?

Why did I even bother? You'd think that after 8 years of being happily single, with the exception of a nice, fun poly situation that was undemanding and pleasant until things fizzled out without explanation (THAT actually smarted a bit), and a sexual encounter that was predictably unsatisfying, then an assault, which was my last experience before this whole debacle, that I would understand certain things about myself -- or rather ONE very basic thing;

I do not do well in traditional relationships. My radar, when it comes to men in particular, is completely and irrevocably broken.

Ok, that's two things.

I really, really need to stop myself when I am attracted to a guy, for ANY reason. My former housemate Clara yesterday told me, that when it comes to me, I need to do the exact opposite of what my instincts tell me to do. I'm not sure this is accurate, but I get what she's saying. I think I need to do the opposite of what my ATTRACTIONS lead me towards. Because my INSTINCTS, once I met this guy in person, told me to run, after about the first twenty minutes. But I ignored them, because it just didn't make sense, after the months of amazing conversations we'd had.

But, my instincts turned out to be right.

And, if I look back, there were flags even early on in the conversations I overlooked, because let's face it, I'm far from perfect myself, and we all need to make compromises, right?

The problem with people like me, who were raised by seriously fucked up mothers with serious unmedicated, untreated mental illness like bipolar and schizoaffective disorder, and personality disorders like NPD, ASPD, BPD, etc, we learn to NOT trust our gut feelings, because we are gaslit constantly, in the actual, true sense of the word, all the time. The upside is that when the Cracker tried to pull that with me, I was able to spot it, and I called him on it, which made him lose his cool (always a sure sign that you've got them). It's impossible to gaslight me, because I can see it from a mile off.

But as for the other stuff, the learning to trust my gut instincts...well, clearly I still have a long, long way to go with that. Although, to be fair, this time it took me a lot less time, a lot less investment than the last go-round. The last time, I moved in with the guy and lost 3 years of my life and ended up in the hospital.

So, I guess you can call this progress.

I also just really think I need to accept that I cannot do relationships. And this, I will admit, makes me a bit sad, on some level. Because I would like to think that even someone like me could find someone that makes sense. Who would treat me well, and not use the things I've opened up about like a weapon against me, or try to manipulate me, or to gaslight me, or all the rest of it. But, with my shitty health being what it is, I simply can't risk it anymore. It's literally too bloody dangerous for me to take that chance, now.

Choose the wrong person, and it could actually harm me. I learned that the hard way in my last serious relationship. And I just can't take that chance, I can't allow myself to be put in that situation, anymore. Because I just don't seem to have the proper tools to be able to navigate a healthy relationship. Which is kind of seriously fucked up. But, it's not entirely on me. I was raised by a wildly sick, abusive, fucked up mother. I've been fighting against the damage she did to me my entire life, and really, I've made a lot of progress.

But ultimately, I simply don't know how to choose a good mate. And I don't think I'll live long enough to get where I'm at the point to ever learn how to do so. Realistically, at my age, it just doesn't seem feasible at this stage. And I have to be OK with that.

I think I am OK with that. I've always been autonomous, independent, and even a bit of a loner, and maybe that is partially what's informing my choices, too. Maybe, deep down, I don't WANT to be in a traditional relationship...?

Wherever the true answer lies, I need to start to learn to trust my gut, really truly trust it, even when it's inconvenient, even when I don't want to, even when the rest of me is screaming against it. Because it is never wrong. It's the desires that are wrong, the intellectualizing and the need for connection that leads me to wrong choices, not my deep down gut instincts.

And THAT'S the truth.

[saltymid]

About Me

Who I Am Salty or Eli. She/her. Poly/lesbian. Long term relationship with jabyourface (referred to as Duck) and dawnhausen (referred to as The Demon Wife). I am from the southern east coast of USA, this may be culturally significant or related to the way I sometimes talk.

Blog Content This is a personal blog that will contain a variety of interests and thoughts. I might share dark and potentially triggering content with little or no warning. This includes content that may be sexual, violent, religious, and otherwise. It is possible that I will make reference to my mental disorders (BPD, PTSD, Anxiety Disorder, Depression) or my ongoing treatment.

GIF/Edit use I do not particularly want credit for gifs, but I hate when people share my (or anyone else's) content without specifying that it is not their own. I'd also prefer that any of my content not be shared outside of tumblr, but I won't stop you. If you want to share or repost my content, please state that it's not your own or credit 'salty' or 'dgiab'. (Don't link or use my full username, unless it helps your formatting.)

Interact/Follow Policy Ask box is open. I'm happy to talk about anything, including if I've upset you in some way. If you are not okay with your ask being published to this blog, please ask for private response and do not be anonymous.

I no longer do instant follow backs but if you have a horror oriented blog and are 18+, I'd happily follow if you send an ask (regardless of if you're following me or not.)

Those who I follow... if I like your post and later unlike it, it is because I regularly clean out my likes, but I still appreciate your content. If I ever share your post or interact with it in a way that upsets you, I'm very sorry I try really hard not to bother anyone. If you can find it in you to let me know, I'd appreciate it.

[izzyqueerlove]

BPD, attachment, and relationships with afab people

Hi, my name is Izzy and I have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). A brief word about my disorder. BPD is an attachment disorder. My neural pathways didn't cook right for me as a young person because of trauma and my relationships with women have been passionate, driven, dysregulated, and problematic. My relationships with men, facile, superficial, unsatisfying.

According to my psychiatrist I'm in remission. Part of my remission is representation and visibility. Honesty, transparency, and vulnerability.

Last October I came out as genderqueer. As Izzy I identify as femme, non-binary, and extremely infrequently, masc. I'm proud of my gender practice and how it's affected my personality, relationships, and life.

In our poly life I've had the pleasure and honor of being part of some beautiful new relationships with both amab and afab people of various gender identities.

What's been incredibly important to maintaining my remission has been approaching my relationships as a demisexual femme instead of as a heterosexual male. Fresh neural pathways, no busted and traumatized relationship examples leading the way.

There's triggers I avoid with afab people that include fantasizing and interest in topping, in p in v intercourse, etc. There's a lot to explore that isn't about having a deep voice, broad shoulders, an in charge affect, a cock. I'm exploring everything that leaves on the table. What and how do amab people connect to afab people without that hetero energy? I'm learning that for me there's connection, relationship, play, service, nebulous and unfocussed desire. Less visual and more internal focus.

Anyway, thanks for reading to the end. I'm happy to be on this path. To be exploring and creating myself. To be representing for the people that are afraid to be out about their mental health or gender identity. To be coaching and providing support to those I can. It's a journey and I'm glad you're on it with me.

Tags: #Genderqueer #MentalHealth #MentalDisorders #Queer #Self-Expression

[ionizingdotjpeg]

dear evan hansen ship ranking

//NO PUNCTUATION. NOT SPELL CHECKED. SUPER DUMB AND RAMBLY. I AM NOT TAKING THIS SERIOUSLY LAWLZ

PREFACING THIS BY SAYING THAT IM ONLY GNA DO THE 5 MAIN GUYS PPL SHIP. yknow. them. so no miguel sorry i havent read the manga or wtver also im leaving out the icky gross ships ok lets go!!

S

sincerely three: EYUCK!! I HATE THOSE GUYS. GROSS. /a fucking lie. i really like the idea of a stupid love triangle plot but it turns out they actually are gay for eachother and are poly. Also i am a sucker for ships where all the characters are fucking losers. cringefail squad

treebros: idk i think its cute. Maybe gay for forever animatics have rotten my brain but i think they can fix each other and make each other worse simultaneously and i find that so interesting. i dont think they’d be ‘toxic’ but i think they’d be a bit unhealthy. go to THERAPY you WEIRDOS!!! Also autism x autism + bpd realness

klienphy: WORST COUPLE WVER… STAY AWAY FROM EACH OTHER FREAKS. /positive like I am so insane about them but not like in a literary analysis way in a HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO FUNNY way.

A

kliensen: one of the more interesting ships. if i was looking at these objectively kliensen n bandtrees would be higher because zoe and jared are… actual characters. however, i am not as autistic about these 2 as i am about the S tier shipz.

Evlana?? whatevs: it’s cute. idk what else o say. i wouldn’t say that i ship it but it’s really cute.

Conlana??? Lannor?? what is the ship name: really like em, even though i heavily prefer them platonically i like the idea of connor like.. somewhat tolerating alana and alana wanting to be his friend. something something themes of alienation something.

Specifically Platonic phyklien (my very own name for zoe x jared): SO REAL. i think zoe would find him insufferable but put up with him because they are besties and best friends and they make friendship bracelets and skip down happy trails while the sun is shinibga nd theres rainbows and flowers and

B

bandtrees: cute. i like more it more platonically/evan just admiring zoe but romantic bandtrees is real too

galaxy gals: i think they could be really interesting if people actually like payed attention to them instead of mashing them together because they already paired off all the others.

i am a aro zoe truther so most zoe ships are going to be lower. sorry.

alana jared evan connor polycule (i call this one TCP): ok so i have thought about this ship exactly ONCE and it was for a silly lighthearted au where alana jared and evan try and help connor not be a total asswipe and i thought it was kinda funny so here ya go.

C

all of the ships that i don’t dislike but dont think much about: cool.

D

treebros but specifically the way the wider fandom portrays them… YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND THEM LIKE I DO!! i hate them being watered down to the generic bad boy x uwu shy baby I WILL EXPLODE YOU!!!! i also hate hyperprotective connor FUCK YOU!!!!!! DESTROYING YOU WITH MY MIND BEAMS!! I know since conar is fucking dead theres alot of ways to interpret them but this one is the worst.

[reverse-bear-traps]

MUSE

everyone's favorite deranged woman <3

Name: Amanda Young, AKA The Pig Age: 34 (She was taken into the fog in 2002) Height: 5'2 Weight: 110 lbs Orientation: nonbinary lesbian (she/her and it/its)

I'll usually roleplay Amanda in Dead by Daylight by default, with her canon past. I'll also do pre-fog Amanda when she's alive, but I like to keep it to an AU where she had survived Saw III instead of during the events of the movies. I am a John Kramer hater, this Will reflect in how Amanda now thinks of him post Saw III.

Oh my sweet sweet Mandy. The gaslight, gatekeep, girlboss queen. She's got her problems, and she's a very complex character. She lives in the Gideon Meat Plant when not in trials, and she does still spend her time making complex traps with supplies gifted from the Entity. She's itching to try to get a chance to test them out. She may be standoffish, but she can & is willing to make friends + romance. As much as serial killers can. She had/has other interests from before her time with Jigsaw such as: horror movies, concerts, comic books and goth club scenes.

I headcanon her as having BPD, ADHD, and PTSD. I also experience all of these things, so I’m definitely not associating any of these with actual murderous tendencies etc. She has intense mood swings, self destructive behavior, etc etc. She’s had an extremely traumatic life, abuse in her childhood, prison, drug abuse, and finally becoming a pawn for Jigsaw and a murderer herself.

I write her for being taken into the Fog after her death around 2002. She was really heavy into the 1990's punk and metal scene. She was even in a band in her early 20's and can play the guitar and sing half decently. Any survivors or killers from modern day will definitely confuse her with references to things that happened after her death, but she is interested to hear about modern things.

Ladies, she is single 💅🏻 watch out! I would love to do stuff with shipping, you can always reach out to me about it!! NSFW or just romantic are both just fine with me. Just know, Mandy definitely will not be a healthy romantic choice, you have to treat the red flags like goal posts. Sex is one thing, but she’s hard to open up to emotionally. Its hard for her to trust people, or treat people nicely. Once she does though, she’s very hard to get rid of, and will be extremely loyal. As long as she doesn’t feel betrayed. She has abandonment issues hardcore. But she does need love and has a lot of dedication to those she loves. Multi shipping and poly are also fine!! 🖤🐷

This is an ask blog too, so if you want to know more you can definitely ask! :) I like to be silly goofy and have some fun, Mandy may not, but I do.

[the-alice-killer]

~~~~ WE'VE BECOME ADDICTED TO THE DIGITAL NUMB ~~~~

Welcome to the CYBERHEX SYSTEM...

Transmission decoding... Please wait...

COLLECTIVE INFO

Name: Eclipse (or Storm, Axis, Icarus, or Solstice)

Age: 21

Race: white

Pronouns: he/hy/they/it/xe/star + more

Gender: (ctf intersex) nonbinary agender boygirl starfluid spacefluid

Sexuality: aroace sapphic lesbian

Amory: poly and open

Other: demonkin collectively

Languages: ENG/ESP/ASL ok | learning SWE/JPN/ITA

Timezone: EDT/EST

Blog Masterlist: here

Simply Plural: Cyberhex

CONTINUE?

ABOUT US

Hello there, space traveler. Welcome to our main blog. This is where we keep a master log of all posts from most blogs of ours with some exceptions. This is also where alters without a sideblog will go to post their thoughts or things they make for others to see.

We are a hc-did system of many. Our headcount fluctuates constantly so it is hard to give a consistent number out.

Our system has many names it goes by with the main one being the Cyberhex System. However, our first system name was the Alice System. We now also use the Digital Numb Collective and Manifest System as aliases. A little confusing, I know. Bear with us here. We're trying our best given everything. And yes, we keep naming our system after songs.

BYI/DNI

Before You Interact...

we will curse

we may post 18+ topics here

we may post syscourse at times

we are proship and sometimes write darker topics such as self-harm, suicide, murder, and rape recovery to process our trauma, not that you are really entitled to that information

pro para anti contact

endo-apathetic; we follow the research that is all; will interact with whatever origin we desire

pro afab transfems/amab transmascs

some alters use mspec labels like lesboy and gaybian due to their complicated relationships of their sexuality/genders vs the collective identity

Do Not Interact...

anti shippers (if you don't believe in harassing people over fictional likes, you are in fact proship btw)

radqueers and transids (i do understand why some use these terms but the overall community makes most alters uncomfortable so we ask you do not interact for their comfort)

racists/bigots/terfs

you just say 'basic dni' for your dni because no one knows what that means anymore

you will treat our littles and middles as helpless kids (we had a 5 y/o alter front alone to work and she was fine, I assure you our sys kids are fine)

you use #endos fuck off and other rude tags

Notes...

we block freely and if you are blocked it will be on all blogs we own for the most part

we are open to discuss anything listed here if you have an issue

BOUNDARIES

DMs: 18+ bodily only

Nicknames: ask specific alters for their boundaries on that, collective names, any but Axis are fine to nickname

Ask alters to front: not unless we have given you prior permission to

Teasing: with proper tone tags

Flirting: 18+ bodily and only if we have a friendship already established

DISORDERS

Diagnosed...

hearing loss

anxiety

depression

migraines

chronic pain

neuropathy

weakened bones

Medically Recognized...

autism

adhd

ocd

Suspected Heavily (lots of research has been put into these)...

did

c-ptsd

aspd

schizophrenia

tourettes

npd or bpd (unsure which fits more with our symptoms atm)

INTERESTS

revue starlight

bandori

love live

the backrooms

kamen rider

super sentai

power rangers

cult of the lamb

the sims (3 and medieval especially)

speedrunning

fnaf

mario

miitopia

[therebootsys]

“he needed more than me”

˚₊‧꒰🦈꒱ ‧₊˚

˚₊‧꒰🌊general info🌊꒱ ‧₊˚

name(s): miya/finn

nickname(s): mimi/finny

pronouns: she/her/hers | he/him/his

gender(s): bigender

orientation(s): bisexual/demisexual/bigender

age: 19yrs old

birthday: 24th February 2005

language(s): english/some german

species: human/bunny therian

proxy: -miya or -🐰

˚₊‧꒰🪼relationships🪼꒱ ‧₊˚

family: i consider my friends and ryn to be my family

relationship status: taken to my lovely lovely LOVELY sweet boyfriend

mono/poly/ambi: mono

looking: never

friend(s): jax | mars | abyss

pet(s): my sweet sweet boy 🐈‍⬛

˚₊‧꒰🪸system info🪸꒱ ‧₊˚

role(s): host/owner of body

alter type: host

source(s): n/a

subsystem: n/a

split date: n/a

activity status: active most days all day

amnesia level: medium, not as bad as others but it gets a little foggy

˚₊‧꒰🐳boundaries + more🐳꒱ ‧₊˚

disorder(s): DID | severe anxiety | OCD | intrusive thoughts | separation anxiety | depression | chronic headaches | hyperthyroidism | BPD | insomnia | tic disorder | stutter

phobia(s): death | death of a loved one | spiders and flying insects | the dark - more so what’s in it | walking alone | distortion

pos trigger(s): talking about interests | paci making | any disney movie | my boyfriend | my stuffy spot

negative trigger(s): i don’t think i have any but me being very anxious or upset can make me retreat from front

verbality: very verbal only through text

typing quirk(s): i just use :3 a lot and other forms of it (>:3, ;3 etc)

gen interaction: any and all interactions should be okay!! just be cautious on making me upset or uncomfortable | no one over 30 please and no one under 15

dms: dms are okay!! if you’re weird you just get instantly blocked

petnames: no petnames!! makes me and my bf uncomfortable

nicknames: nicknames are okay if you can come up with any besides mimi haha

venting: venting is completely okay - friends or not | i love helping out people and listening to them | sometimes people just need someone to listen

pda: no thank you | bf only

sourcemates: n/a

source talk: depends!!

touch: no thank you | bf only | if made clear it is platonic (hug /p)

notes: hai i’m miya, i am the owner and host of the reboot system. i am mainly always in front unless upset or anxious about something. i love to make friend so if you’re interested in being my friend pleaseee reach out!! ~

“i’m friendly, and thoughtful and quite awfully pretty”

last edited: 21/05/24

[purplewolfie]

You’re right, it isn’t the same love. A romantic or friendship love doesn’t begin unconditional, it comes from speaking, spending time, acts of affection, mutual interests. It’s built over years with a foundation of trust and respect. It’s normal to feel attracted to people who you connect with, on an emotional and sexual level. Every body experiences that. Wanting to feel close to people you connect with. It doesn’t mean you’re destined for poly. For example, have you ever felt like no matter how much love you receive and how many connections you have, you don’t feel loved in the same way and amount that you do for others? BPD creates this feeling that nobody will ever love you the way you love them so you think by having more connections it will fill in the gaps and allow you to accumulate the received love to being on a level you experience. It doesn’t. You can’t fill those feelings because BPD feels them on extreme levels. From experience with non monogamy, exploring multiple relationships exacerbated feelings of why am I not loved as much as I love others? Will they leave me like everyone else? Am I just being used for my body, to fill some time whilst they find someone better or to get back at their ex? Relationships of this kind are difficult for people without mental health issues but for people like us with attachment and emotional regulation disfunction? It’s a cycle of short term relationships, idolising new interests and devaluing old ones, self destruction and heartbreak. I no longer practice and am now married. Do I still get urges to sleep with my friends sometimes? Sure, but it’s not worth my sanity or losing the only person who genuinely cares about me, my health and my safety even in my rage filled episodes when I say disgusting things to them. I’m loved even when I don’t feel it. I know when this disorder has us fixed on something it’s hard to see outside of those ideas but when has reality ever come close to the ideals of fantasy?

Now that would depend on the type of love you feel though, would it not? If it’s a poly thing or if it’s just friend love with added you find them sexually attractive. You cannot make that distinction solely based on your own experiences. We may have the same diagnosis but it varies. So discounting anyone who has BPD as not being poly isn’t solid in my opinion. I do feel like I’m not loved in the amount or next to the amount I show. But I put that down to people’s misconceptions of what love means and is. Most of the people who use the term love mean it in a selfish, the way they make me feel kinda way. To fill their needs. Not about the person in general. I know this because even if said person who can give me nothing and is no longer in my life. I can still love them regardless. Many do not. They find better or something else to fill the void of what they think love is and then move on (not all, but a lot of people do this.) and that to me is usage. It’s not love. This doesn’t mean the ones who still love you but wish to find what they are looking for. This is meaning the people who just forget you exist lol. Coz to me love is forever ya know. Most people don’t know what forever means. So I don’t put that on the BPD. The part of me that feels stuff even more so, sure, I would go above and beyond for people because that’s who I am and it’s probably exacerbated by the BPD. But I prefer to make people feel loved, even if I do not receive it back. Sometimes it’s not good coz people take advantage but I’m getting there. See that’s where I think we differ. I don’t idolise people and I don’t devalue “old” relationships. Loving more than one person doesn’t devalue them in any way in my book. It’s like saying if I have another kid I’m devaluing my first born. If I get another close friend who I love as a friend im devaluing the other. It makes no sense to me. I’m happy for you that you have found the love and marriage that makes you happy :). But see i dont see it as a fantasy. I just feel i love differently i guess. And to me it’s not a usage for a fix thing. Coz even if they leave I still love them and wish them all the happiness. There is never a thought of. Fuck them, or any malice, ever.