#being alive is a work in progress
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You know. I was wondering why i keep crashing so much lately and just generally have almost constantly been on the edge of overstim the past week but uhh. I just looked into my calendar and it turns out I havent really had time for myself in 3.5 weeks 🙃
#ive been working 30+ hours every week the past 5 weeks#which i know it doesnt sound like thaaaat much but full days at work start at 7.30 and end at 18.15#and i keep not getting enough sleep either#and then on my days off i meet up with friends because its the holidays and people actually have time now and i wanna see them#on top of my dates#and the energy in general dating costs#like dont get me wrong im having fun!! but fuck i need to make better choices#and i kinda have the next two days off but also not bc i have 2 meetings and a 'bday' party by 2 friends#yeah ok i dont think im gonna be able to move beyond those obligations#:))))))))))#being alive is a work in progress
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how many times do we need to learn as people that irony and hyperbole can be harmful because 'jokes' aren't easily distinguished from genuine thoughts and feelings until we stop rewarding people for speaking or posting about violence
like even if you're joking/don't actually believe that/think whoever you are insulting is bad/immoral/fictional therefore deserves it - ad hominem attacks always do more harm to the people who share those characteristic then the individual you intend to cause harm to or discredit
#discourse#long post#its genuinely erased so much of my enjoyment of 911blr knowing i have to check accounts or risk seeing bullying/hate#l like its an odd feeling to know that so many people in the same fandom as you actively hold hate or find hate funny against your communit#like tired of people saying others are too sensitive because we dont want to hear or see a person say they want to hurt themself or others#like sorry i put in the work everyday to not let my mental health backslide and to enjoying being alive and accept my queerness#while others seemingly have not#and i know the content i post/share is not all in the same circles as that certain blog and i hate that it still grinds my gears but#its so frustrating to see the cruel glee people have#saying things they would never say to anyone's face irl and only to other blindly devoted/similar bullies#like do these people realise that they are on a razor's edge between 'ironic jokes' and just outright bigotry and threats - like do they#literally the only thing seperating That and conservative bigots is that the bigots are honest about their hatred towards minorities#like a lot of people in the fandom seemingly still need to deal with a lot of intenalised homophobia/racism and just outright hate-#especially regarding queer men and men of colour#because i can not be emphasise enough#It is NOT GOOD OR HEALTHY to be a fully grown adult that actively derives joy from the idea of enacting hate crimes#like you can hate tommy you can want him off the show even want him to die like weird but go off#but its such a next step to unprompted talk about [a character i dislike/hate/dont ship/disrupts my fanon endgame] in derogatory ways -#with rhetoric that straight up is out of terf/rel. right/homophobic/racists bigots and evokes violent hate-crimes......#well i feel sorry for those people cause what a miserable life to spend so much of it unable to enjoy your own life that you target others#anyways I know this is too long but I'm just a very tired man who has studied history and education and working with kids i have seen it -#too many times- harmful words coming from harmful environments or creating harmful actions and thereby perpetuating the cycle of violence#also not super relavent but as Latino Australian i am genuinely appauled at how many people have in their bio they are also Australian-#while actively liking/reblogging and engaging with post that find homophobic violence a funny haha joke - as if activist in our country -#aren't actively trying to dismantle homophobic and transphobic laws regarding issues like conversion therapy#like I know professors that actively got fired for being gay while teaching in religious education context - and its still happening!#so for people to forget so quickly what progress has been made and how much it took and how easy it is to loose - disappointing#(and its the same people who wanna pretend mardi gras is nothing but a party as if 78rs didn't risk their jobs/safety/lives)
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Wondering if it's worth it to bind today and wear a literal pin with my literal pronouns if my supervisor and peers are going to misgender me all day
#context! i don't think my supervisor has ever had any trans friends. she works in a feminist library so i know she's safe. but she's not-#-used to / very knowledgeable about trans stuff.#and my peers are also just not really aware either. about the fucking existence of trans people i mean. despite working in a feminist libra#i'm so glad i'm graduating after this summer because lately i feel like feminism is pulling away from me more and more.#where's my spot in it? institutions (uni) who brand themselves as inclusive and progressive are a joke.#i didn't think misgendering would fuck me up so bad at this point in my life (thought i didn't care and i was okay with also being female..#but i'm barely keeping myself alive and moving this morning.#dysphoria was so extreme last night it almost made me throw up. had to shower in the dark. that's never happened.#why do i bother at all if the entire world will always see me as a girl. like what the fuck am i doing.
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honestly now that things are on a roll and i kinda know my way around shit's mostly fine but oh god this loneliness is so much different than the one i expected to experience and i dont know if its better or worse
#like it feels like stagnation and progress and loss at the same time#loss because i dont have anyone to see and look forward to in the morning anymore :(#progress because i feel strangely alive for...the first time actually#and stagnation because how the fuck did i meet a person almost exactly like someone i finally popped off of me but also who is kinda worse#and also how im stuck having to work with people with the worst of mentalities known to man#and yet again having noone to. actually talk to and kill time with. or just at least give a high five to while theyre off to their classes#which makes some days feel. empty. like sure i can kill my free time with stuff but the majority of my social life is still online#i guess i have to admit that i will never truly stop being a lonely little thing#Corvin caws
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i kind of need to be like skinned or put into a meat grinder or something . lol .
#personal#vent#vent in tags#maybe i can just boil myself alive instead#im so SICK of being the one to be actively concerned with all my friends' health & having to tell them to take care of themselves#'yeah i threw up from a hangover on the way here and i havent eaten in like 3 days and i dont do anything other than work and sleep'#ARE YOU FUCKING WITH ME#'i only shower once a week' we can tell 'and i dont ever use shampoo. and im still surviving off a diet of just top ramen and dr pepper'#MY BROTHER IN CHRIST. TAKE BETTER CARE OF YOURSELF#'i havent made a doctors appointment for this possibly life threatening issue yet' im actually going to start sobbing .#IM NOT. MAD AT ANY OF MY FRIENDS TO BE CLEAR#but god its so fucking tiring. to be one of maybe two people to actually go 'hey that is really concerning please take care of yourself'#and then i cant fucking. take care of myself & i dont have the energy to think about my friends health anymore and i feel bad about it#i am NOT the pinnacle of health. but got damb !! if ur gonna not take care of yourself please do not tell me about it i get so so worried#& then my mother . god. waves vaguely at any interaction i have with her. doesnt make it any better#im so sick i need out of this house & out of this town get me outta here ! id thrive in pokemon put me in the pokeverse or some shit PLEASE#if ur the one person who i mentioned in tags thats also on tumblr pls pls know i am not mad at you im just so stressed always#& i care for u so deeply & it worries me so bad that u/ur family havent made more progress towards getting the issue solved .#(u probably won't see this post anyways but if u do. i just want it to be clear)#ANYWAYS it just crazy how i can bounce so rapidly from 'im not even human' to 'i am Too human'. and iam so so sick .of it.#if a single customer even makes eye contact with me at work tomorrow im going to gnaw my left pinky off in front of them i stg
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:(
Very bad grade in therapy today
#thought i could make progress this year and yet here i am having done jack shit by now#what has even been the point#i just wanted to do something today that didnt feel awful like try to encourage people to watch a show or play a game#and now im just right back to Why do i bother staying alive? im never going to make any progress#and even if i do I'm going to just be worthless the whole time and waste precious resources others could be using#oh yes just try saying a nice thing to yourself for once! yeah sure that will help when i cant do anything worth a damn#i want to help people but i have no skillsets and no money to further my education and teaching myself gets me right where i already am!#continuing like this is like spitting in the face of anyone who is actually out there pursuing their dreams and thats not fair to them#they put in all that hard work and im over here being a whiny ass bitch bc i want so badly to do better and learn more#but the only thing holding me back is that im a dumbass who cant do anything right and no one will ever think differently#why am i trying to make myself something i can never be? what is goddamn point if its just a waste of everyones time and effort#i just... it feels like the least i can do is just stop taking up space#free up some oxygen for someone who really needs it and shelter for someone who truly deserves it#i shouldnt even have these things and yet i complain about how much gas i have to pay to commute to my jobs#like such an asshole#and i said i so much in these tags bc im such a selfish jerk who coearly doesnt care enough nor has a worthwhile vocabulary to say otherwise#theres just no fucking point to any of this#...#its cold today#might be a good day to do my favorite plan#actually yeah fuck it im gonna go#hope you all stay kind to yourselves and enjoy your 2024#you absolutely deserve it and everything you can get out of it#keep being amazing yall#see you on the flip side or whatever#orbs thought bubbles
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there's a piece i want to write eventually. when my brainrot comes back and kicks me, but I think it works better visually (like if you look at the text altogether than looking at the words)
the idea was having a constant statement that serves as the "grounding" statement for the character - something the character comes back to as the following paragraphs get longer and longer - messier and messier - replicating both panic and mess that the character feels
until it resets with the statement.
and then it rebuilds and rebuilds again
then i thought also about like. at some point the character wont have that "grounding" technique anymore so the paragraphs get longer and longer and there's just no stop. run on sentences and garbled mess until it just ends abruptly
but idk i cant execute that lmao it's prettier in my head as a concept and i don't want to disappoint the character
#i say this as though the characters alive#asdkjfalkh sorry#but its just..#idk#i have so many writing projects in my head all the time#if im not writing then it just sits and haunts me for eternity until i finally work on them#i worked on octavia's writing yesterday and now i feel Dead mentally#and yet i still want to write and make further progress bUT IM SO TIRED but#this is like the only time i could writeproperly#im just mad that my break got wasted on being sick#i had all these plans to go out and adventure around and i cant do that bc i fell ill :/ its annoying#so its just projects after projects#and if i cant finish the projects then im just annoyed at myself#this was about a piece i wanted to write for uhhhh#risutaiosu i believe#for the sunchildren#for risutaiosu#you can take a guess how i wouldve written it#sorry to talk about writing here asldkjfah i guess ive been pretty talkative lately who knows why#but augh#i want to return to writing suns of helios sooooo so bad#but i feel like i made the project bigger in my head#and then i got defeated by it and then i switched to different projects instead but ehh#anyways mostly noting to myself as an idea to do#they stressed so much about how the kid focused so much on his art as a way to ground himself in times of anxiety#so thats how i wanted to write this piece#but that also means having to dig and try to understand enkanomiya politics and lore again#WHICH WAS CLEARER IN MY HEAD WHEN I WAS FIXATED ON THE PROJECT#not so much anymore because ive drifted but#yeah
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cosmo wanda i fucking wish students understood that universities have limited reach and that public silence does not automatically mean no action is being taken internally and that the decisions of collectives / institutions do not reflect the decisions of all of the people within them (e.g. all faculty staff and administrators within an institution) etc etc. god DAMN it to hell. you people (not anyone reading this im saying this as if im talking to the student body at my school) look so fucking stupid @ing the social media accounts of distinct departments like that’s actually going to do anything. you think they ARENT doing anyrhing????? that’s probably ALL they’re focusing on rn and they’re spending days carefully gathering information so they can share it. and shit is hitting the fan in MULTIPLE areas rn if you haven’t noticed and also it’s winter fucking break so no one is even supposed to be working anyway. so what is wrong with you. why are you fucking making demands. getting a college to finally post an update about something is not the same as cancelling someone on twitter and the fact that so many of you think it is is indicative of how SICK our society has become. PLEASE calm down.
#purrs#literally about to start screaming. people have been so fucking stupid this year. that is all i am going to say.#and ik this bears a weight being a staff member here now but i was a student 6 months ago and years ago i used to do the same stupid shit an#and then i went to the retreat and learned that universities are communities made of people and that i can change the world by talking to#stakeholders and being strategic and patient and having civic courage and building relationships. and now i spend my life trying to teach#other ppl how to do that. so seeing students WHO I KNOW ARE AWARE THAT THIS ISNT THE WAY doing this makes me want to start SCREAMING. like#it was all for nothing. the HOURS of workshops you went through learning how to actually make change and ‘demand’ change and now you’re#engaging in this edgy bullshit. i want to curl up in a ball and/or jump out the window rn. sorry#delete later#work tag 2#this is literally the 5th or 6th incident in 2022 and i know it’s more complicated than that and yes there are genuine wrongdoings the#school / depts and individuals within it have committed. but also the knee jerk reaction of students to instantly turn into a mob and start#saying u*** does nothing u*** doesn’t care about it’s students is like are you KIDDING MEEEEEEEEE. ARE YOU KIDDING ME. how about you talk to#x person who i know firsthand is trying to navigate this issue and suppprt students. how about you join x committee that just made progress#in this area. how about you get offline and go touch grass and realize your COMMUNITY isn’t out to get you!!!!#institutions are not inherently bad lol. institutions are communities. communities are POWER. if i could send one message to everyone on the#planet i think it would be that or at least include that bc i would also want to say stuff abt how we are real and human and alive together#etc etc. but that is like. something so many ppl do not see. being part of a university is POWER. being a student is POWER. so use it for#good!!!!! join committees! set up meetings with admin!!!!! join student gov!! this learned helplessness of @ing the school is NOT THE WAY#not when you have tools and relationships at your disposal to actually make a sustainable long term difference. what are you waiting for! th#the whole world is yours!! it’s at your fingertips! do you feel it? do you see it?
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I really don't want to have to beg for money again but I'm afraid it might come to that
#I've been trying to pay off the same $500 on my credit card since I registered my car in February#every time I make progress either some unexpected expense comes up#or I just end up doing something stupid#i took a week off work for my mental health#but I used ''vacation'' as an excuse to spend money I had no business spending#I didn't think it was 150 fucking dollars though#but now I feel so disgusting and I hate myself and my mental health is even worse than before#I meeded that time off#and I really needed to have fun#I went out and made a friend and spent the night playing pool with him !!!!!!!!#but I spent 50 fucking dollars at the bar#so I hate myself for it and regret it#but I also hate being alone and lonely all the time and it was the first time I've gone out since February and#I NEED to have experiences and Do Things and talk to people with my mouth and nkt just my fingers#but then I remember that I'm broke and broke people don't deserve to do fun things and I shouldn't have done that#and I hate it#I hate it!!!!!!!#just last year I started Doing Things and going out and having fun and feeling more alive than ever before#and then my fucking car died#and everything has just been truly and honestly awful since the day this year started#and it feels like I'll never get to feel alive again#without literally wanting to kill myself immediately after#I can't take commissions#Ive been trying to finish this one for a month#but I can't afford to live#last night I laid in bed thinking what I can possibly eat thursday besides the spaghetti leftovers in my fridge bc that's only one meal#vent //
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IF LORE UPDATES APPLIED TO PEOPLE I WOULDVE JUST GOTTEN ONE OF MY HAPPIEST LORE UPDATES TODAY
#FUCK YEAH WE GOT MY FIRST EVER MURAL LOOKING SICK AS SHIT SO FAR#TORTUGA AS BIG AS ME AND DETAILED ENOUGH THAT STRANGERS COMPLIMENTED IT MY BELOVED#HUGE SHOUTOUT TO THE GUY DRIVING BY THAT ROLLED DOWN THEIR WINDOW AND SHOUTED “dude that’s amazing!” AS THEY PASSED#CAME OUT AS TRANS TO MY AUNT THAT IM PAINTING THE MURAL FOR AND SHE IS NOW OFFICIALLY MY FIRST BLOOD RELATIVE TO BE SUPPORTIVE OF ME OUT TH#GATE#HER ONLY THINGS WERE THAT SHE WASNT GONNA BE PERFECT ABOUT MY PRONOUNS AND THAT SHE WISHED ID COME OUT TO HER SOONER SO I WOULDNT HAVE#GOTTEN ATTACHED TO A NAME THAT I DIDNT REALIZE WAS LINKED TO MY REALLY SHITTY BIO DAD AND WANTED TO COME UP WITH A GENDER NEUTRAL NICKNAME#FOR ME THAT WOULD WORK NO MATTER WHAT I IDENTIFY AS FROM HERE ON OUT AND WORKS AROUND PEOPLE IM NOT OUT TO#AND SHE GAVE ME A CHAMORRAN NICKNAME!!!! A SIDE OF MY HERITAGE THAT I DONT GET TO CONNECT TO A TON!!! SHES GONNA CALL ME TAKKA (WE MESSED#WITH THE SPELLING OF “TOCA” A BIT TO SOUND LIKE “TALK-A” SO WE CAN MAKE JOKES ABOUT HOW I TALK A LOT IT HAS BEEN SO FUCKING FUNNY SO FAR I#LOVE IT)#AND SHES GONNA TEACH ME HOW TO MAKE KELAGUEN (A CHAMORRAN DISH) SOMETIME#AND SHE GAVE ME AN OVERSIZED SHIRT THAT BASICALLY SAYS FUCK T-MOBILE#AND TOLD ME SHE LOVED ME NO MATTER WHAT AND TOLD ME THAT SHE LOVED HOW I PRIORITIZED KINDNESS ABOVE ALL ELSE AND I GOT TO TELL HER ABOUT HO#I THINK KINDNESS AND CRUELTY ARE TRAITS BEYOND GENDER AND SEXUALITY AND THAT I WANT TO BECOME THE ADULT I NEEDED AS A KID AND THAT I NEEDED#SOMEONE KIND THAT FREELY GAVE HUGS AND TOLD A LOT OF SILLY JOKES AND WAS FORGIVING WHEN IT COUNTED AND THAT WHEN I GROW OLD WHETHER IM AN#OLD MAN OR OLD WOMAN OR OLD SOMETHING ELSE I WANNA BE A GEEZER THAT LIVES ACROSS THE STREET THAT YOU CAN PLAY CARDS WITH ANYTIME AND#SAVES YOU CHOCOLATE BECAUSE THEY KNOW YOU LIKE IT AND I WANNA BE THE TYPE OF KIND MAN LITTLE GIRLS GROW UP HOPING ARE REAL AND LABELS ARE#CLOTHES THAT SOMETIMES FIT A MONTH OR FIT FOREVER BUT WHAT MATTERS IS THAT THEYRE COMFY IN THE MOMENT AND THAT I JUST WANNA BE HAPPY AND I#LOVE PEOPLE FOR THEIR PERSONALITY AND IM WEIRD ABOUT KISSING BUT I HAVE MY PARTNERS BACK AND THAT MATTERS MORE TO US AND WERE HAPPY#AND I TOLD HER WHAT IM PLANNING ON MY NAME TO BE WHEN IM AN ADULT AND SHE LIKED MY IDEA FOR MY NEW SURNAME#AND WE SANG TO SONGS TOGETHER AND BITCHED ABOUT HER BOYFRIEND AND DID A LITTLE JIG IN THE STREET AND LAUGHED TOGETHER AND SHE WAS SO HAPPY#BECAUSE OF THE TURTLE IM PAINTING HER AND BECAUSE I TRUST HER AND IM SO HAPPY BECAUSE BOTH OF THOSE ARE WORKING OUT AND THIS EVENING WAS A#PERFECT SUMMER EVENING TO BE ALIVE. THIS MAY HAVE HAPPENED ON MY PERIOD BUT WHAT THE FUCK EVER THE GOOD OUTWEIGHS THE BAD. THERE IS BEAUTY#IN THE WORLD IF YOU KNOW WHERE TO LOOK. THERE IS BEAUTY IN BEING TRANS AND BEING SAFE WITH YOUR AUNT AND TALKING TO HER HONESTLY ABOUT YOUR#HOPES FOR THE FUTURE WITH YOUR BODY AND YOUR GENDER. THERE IS BEAUTY IN MAKING SILLY POSES WITH YOUR MURAL IN PROGRESS WITH YOUR AUNT AS TH#PHOTOGRAPHER. THERE IS BEAUTY IN LISTENING TO NOSTALGIC MUSIC WITH YOUR AUNT THAT A LOT OF PEOPLE WOULD PROBABLY MAKE FUN OF YOU FOR LIKING#THERE IS BEAUTY IN WEARING YOUR BANGS UP IN A STUPID PINEAPPLE PONYTAIL SO IT DOESNT FALL IN YOUR EYES AND WEARING CLOTHES YOU DONT CARE#ABOUT AND GRINNING AND LAUGHING AND SINGING MORE ENTHUSIASTICALLY AND GENUINELY THAN YOU HAVE IN A LONG TIME. THERE IS BEAUTY IN CLEANING#PAINT BRUSHES AND MEASURING CUPS IN HER KINDA BROKEN SINK AND MEOWING AT HER CAT AND THANKING HER FOR HELPING YOU CLEAN UP THE PAINTS SHE
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The boy reading with Halo font
I expect him to vanish behind closed doors with "someone" and we'll see him if he's hungry....
Or wandering.
#this is a pacer here#it looks like a great place to pace though#or making me a Grandpa#me: 🤔 it's fine it is just more difficult to picture him making it#not really ... I know his blood#it's like the A-team with one OΞΛ#like our culture: hey how's it going *bang*#our culture after: smokes a cigarette like Matthew McConaughey in Teue Detective talking about time is a flat circle#me: standing in his holo cells in a small plane while at 13 14 and beyond#well my vocal chords can work baritone and bass but my spirit is a rainbow of rainbows#color? I dunno ... I don't care#if you like my dick please suck it with all your might#you're gonna need heart#you're gonna need ambition to overcome a motherload#also the sawing zip ties with feet#curious that I must say#it speaks of fun pre school times and also alludes to something dark as fuck that makes me want to kill things#I don't care if I am also the Devil...so's being alive#Arthur.....I mean.... he lived#but he's still breathing here#when I sat there and had to do dead to life math I am like 167 years sir that's a while#I am also like I have made much more progress in 45 than you did in 167 so thanks for cumming in grandma#I see him again after 🤔 23 years#understandably it took almost a full school year to catch on#mhm I used to call him air as a child of not grandpa#he was standing in the hall by my door watching my room#curious old ancestors#and *I* am the one who has to ease his pain#go the distance#bring Arthur back like a good God
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"its okay to take a night off and rest and not do anything productive because youve been pushing way too hard and youre getting burnt out" vs "oh fuck oh god i just wasted the 3-5 hours of free time i get after work and now its 9pm and i have to go to bed soon or ill be just as tired tomorrow" FIGHT
#i havent accomplished anythinggggg today#im so tired of the cycle of wake up tired -> stay in bed until the last possible minute -> go to work tired ->#be miserable at work all day -> get home tired -> do nothing for 5 hours and go to bed at midnight#its so. hhhrvgghghghh.#i have no motivation for ANYTHING and it feels so bad all my friends are doing cooll things#and progressing their lives and being happy and healthy and i am sitting here like.#yeah. i sad on the couch and listened to autoheart and cried and thought about doing [redacted] . yeah thats it. thats all ive accomplished#“oh but youre alive still and thats something” well it doesnt feel like it !!!!!!!!!!! i#am alone in my apartment ive lived without a pet for 6 months now and frankly i fucking hate it#bc then at LEAST i could live under the illusion that something matters and im vaguely a real person bc i have to#take care of another living thing !!! and i have something that grounds me bc loki used to sit on my lap all the time and i need that like.#physical presence. they dont make 80lb weighted blankets. my little 15 pounder feels like nothing#head in hands. sorry. listened to too much autoheart and now im sad and miserable and tired#and thinking abt things i shouldnt be thinking about !!!!!!!#ughhhghgh its fine . its fine ! its fine . i have my first therapy appt on monday and im not nervous about it at all (<< lies)
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I AM SO FUCKING COOL ?!!!!! I AM NOT PERFECT BUT IM DRIVEN AND WILLING TO CHANGE TO HELP MYSELF?!!!! IM LIKEABLE AND GOOD AT MAKING FRIENDS ?!!!!! IM A VALUED MEMBER OF MY LOCAL COMMUNITY ‼️‼️ MY STYLE IS UNIQUE DIFFICULT TO REPLICATE AND SUSTAINABLY SOURCED !!!!!!!
#It’s positive loving myself the moment Thursday. Name is a work in progress but I’m like enjoying being me and it’s fun#I hope you are all enjoying being you right now as well because you’re all amazing and talented and valuable to me :3 I love you!#I’ve let myself down a couple times today but I’m not going to be mean to myself about it. Breaking habits so ingrained in myself from a#young age is difficult and I need to be patient and work on myself slowly#Change will come with time and acceptance#I’ve gotten better at it in like 50% of my life! There’s just a little bit that I’m aware of so I know what I need to do now#And everything else is near perfect#My friend is thankfully alive btw. So I don’t feel like complete shit like I did earlier this week#So now my only worries are my binge eating habits and upcoming assignments#But it’s all under control and I’m realising how great I am and how much value I have as a person#And how cool I am despite nobody ever telling me! Sure I don’t look as unique and out there as the arty goth kids and such because I don’t#Buy my clothes new for extortionate amounts of money and jewellery and accessories give me sensory issues#But my clothes are so fucking cool and have nice stories !!!!#I’m happy :)))
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In retrospect, four years later, I feel like the Isabel Fall incident was just the biggest ignored cautionary tale modern fandom spaces have ever had. Yes, it wasn't limited to fandom, it was also a professional author/booktok type argument, but it had a lot of crossover.
Stop me if you've heard this one before: a writer, whether fan or pro, publishes a work. If one were to judge a book by its cover, something we are all taught in Kindergarten shouldn't happen but has a way of occurring regardless, one might find that there was something that seemed deeply problematic about this work. Maybe the title or summary alluded to something Wrong happening, or maybe the tags indicated there was problematic kinks or relationships. And that meant the story was Bad. So, a group of people takes to the Twittersphere to inform everyone who will listen why the work, and therefore the author, are Bad. The author, receiving an avalanche of abuse and harassment, deactivates their account, and checks into a mental health facility for monitoring for suicidal ideation. They never return to their writing space, and the harassers get a slap on the wrist (if that- usually they get praise and high-fives all around) and start waiting for their next victim to transgress.
Sounds awful familiar, doesn't it?
Isabel Fall's case, though, was even more extreme for many reasons. See, she made the terrible mistake of using a transphobic meme as the genesis to actually explore issues of gender identity.
More specifically, she used the phrase "I sexually identify as an attack helicopter" to examine how marginalized identities, when they become more accepted, become nothing more than a tool for the military-industrial complex to rebrand itself as a more personable and inclusive atrocity; a chance to pursue praise for bombing brown children while being progressive, because queer people, too, can help blow up brown children now! It also contained an examination of identity and how queerness is intrinsic to a person, etc.
But... well, if harassers ever bothered to read the things they critique, we wouldn't be here, would we? So instead, they called Isabel a transphobic monster for the title alone, even starting a misinformation campaign to claim she was, in fact, a cis male nazi using a fake identity to psyop the queer community.
A few days later, after days of horrific abuse and harassment, Isabel requested that Clarkesworld magazine pull the story. She checked in to a psych ward with suicidal thoughts. That wasn't all, though; the harassment was so bad that she was forced to out herself as trans to defend against the claims.
Only... we know this type of person, the fandom harassers, don't we? You know where this is going. Outing herself did nothing to stop the harassment. No one was willing to read the book, much less examine how her sexuality and gender might have influenced her when writing it.
So some time later, Isabel deleted her social media. She is still alive, but "Isabel Fall" is not- because the harassment was so bad that Isabel detransitioned/closeted herself, too traumatized to continue living her authentic life.
Supposed trans allies were so outraged at a fictional portrayal of transness, written by a trans woman, that they harassed a real life trans woman into detransitioning.
It's heartbreakingly familiar, isn't it? Many of us in fandom communities have been in Isabel's shoes, even if the outcome wasn't so extreme (or in some cases, when it truly was). Most especially, many of us, as marginalized writers speaking from our own experiences in some way, have found that others did not enjoy our framework for examining these things, and hurt us, members of those identities, in defense of "the community" as a nebulous undefined entity.
There's a quote that was posted in a news writeup about the whole saga that was published a year after the fact. The quote is:
The delineation between paranoid and reparative readings originated in 1995, with influential critic Eve Kosofsky Sedgwick. A paranoid reading focuses on what’s wrong or problematic about a work of art. A reparative reading seeks out what might be nourishing or healing in a work of art, even if the work is flawed. Importantly, a reparative reading also tends to consider what might be nourishing or healing in a work of art for someone who isn’t the reader. This kind of nuance gets completely worn away on Twitter, home of paranoid readings. “[You might tweet], ‘Well, they didn’t discuss X, Y, or Z, so that’s bad!’ Or, ‘They didn’t’ — in this case — ‘discuss transness in a way that felt like what I feel about transness, therefore it is bad.’ That flattens everything into this very individual, very hostile way of reading,” Mandelo says. “Part of reparative reading is trying to think about how a story cannot do everything. Nothing can do everything. If you’re reading every text, fiction, or criticism looking for it to tick a bunch of boxes — like if it represents X, Y, and Z appropriately to my definitions of appropriate, and if it’s missing any of those things, it’s not good — you’re not really seeing the close focus that it has on something else.”
A paranoid reading describes perfectly what fandom culture has become in the modern times. It is why "proship", once simply a word for common sense "don't engage with what you don't like, and don't harass people who create it either" philosophies, has become the boogeyman of fandom, a bad and dangerous word. The days of reparative readings, where you would look for things you enjoyed, are all but dead. Fiction is rarely a chance to feel joy; it's an excuse to get angry, to vitriolically attack those different from oneself while surrounded with those who are the same as oneself. It's an excuse to form in-groups and out-groups that must necessarily be in a constant state of conflict, lest it come across like This side is accepting That side's faults. In other words, fandom has become the exact sort of space as the nonfandom spaces it used to seek to define itself against.
It's not about joy. It's not about resonance with plot or characters. It's about hate. It's about finding fault. If they can't find any in the story, they will, rest assured, create it by instigating fan wars- dividing fandom into factions and mercilessly attacking the other.
And that's if they even went so far as to read the work they're critiquing. The ones they don't bother to read, as you saw above, fare even worse. If an AO3 writer tagged an abuser/victim ship, it's bad, it's fetishism, even if the story is about how the victim escapes. If a trans writer uses the title "I Sexually Identify as an Attack Helicopter" to find a framework to dissect rainbow-washing the military-industrial complex, it's unforgivable. It's a cesspool of kneejerk reactions, moralizing discomfort, treating good/evil as dichotomous categories that can never be escaped, and using that complex as an excuse to heap harassment on people who "deserve it." Because once you are Bad, there is no action against you that is too Bad for you to deserve.
Isabel Fall's story follows this so step-by-step that it's like a textbook case study on modern fandom behavior.
Isabel Fall wrote a short story with an inflammatory title, with a genesis in transphobic mockery, in the hopes of turning it into a genuine treatise on the intersection of gender and sexuality and the military-industrial complex. But because audiences are unprepared for the idea of inflammatory rhetoric as a tool to force discomfort to then force deeper introspection... they zeroed in on the discomfort. "I Sexually Identify as an Attack Helicopter"- the title phrase, not the work- made them uncomfortable. We no longer teach people how to handle discomfort; we live in a world of euphemism and glossing over, a world where people can't even type out the words "kill" and rape", instead substituting "unalive" and "grape." We don't deal with uncomfortable feelings anymore; we censor them, we transform them, we sanitize them. When you are unable to process discomfort, when you are never given self-soothing tools, your only possible conclusion is that anything Uncomfortable must be Bad, and the creator must either be censored too, or attacked into conformity so that you never again experience the horrors of being Uncomfortable.
So the masses took to Twitter, outraged. They were Uncomfortable, and that de facto meant that they had been Wronged. Because the content was related to trans identity issues, that became the accusation; it was transphobic, inherently. It couldn't be a critique of bigger and more fluid systems than gender identity alone; it was a slight against trans people. And no amount of explanations would change their minds now, because they had already been aggrieved and made to feel Uncomfortable.
Isabel Fall was now a Bad Person, and we all know what fandom spaces do to Bad People. Bad People, because they are Bad, will always be deserving of suicide bait and namecalling and threatening. Once a person is Bad, there is no way to ever become Good again. Not by refuting the accusations (because the accusations are now self-evident facts; "there is a callout thread against them" is its own tautological proof that wrongdoing has happened regardless of the veracity of the claims in the callout) and not by apologizing and changing, because if you apologize and admit you did the Bad thing, you are still Bad, and no matter what you do in future, you were once Bad and that needs to be brought up every time you are mentioned. If you are bad, you can NEVER be more than what you were at your worst (in their definition) moment. Your are now ontologically evil, and there is no action taken against you that can be immoral.
So Isabel was doomed, naturally. It didn't matter that she outed herself to explain that she personally had lived the experience of a trans woman and could speak with authority on the atrocity of rainbow-washing the military industrial complex as a proaganda tool to capture progressives. None of it mattered. She had written a work with an Uncomfortable phrase for a title, the readers were Uncomfortable, and someone had to pay for it.
And that's the key; pay for it. Punishment. Revenge. It's never about correcting behavior. Restorative justice is not in this group's vocabulary. You will, incidentally, never find one of these folks have a stance against the death penalty; if you did Bad as a verb, you are Bad as an intrinsic, inescapable adjective, and what can you do to incorrigible people but kill them to save the Normal people? This is the same principle, on a smaller scale, that underscores their fandom activities; if a Bad fan writes Bad fiction, they are a Bad person, and their fandom persona needs to die to save Normal fans the pain of feeling Uncomfortable.
And that's what happened to Isabel Fall. The person who wrote the short story is very much alive, but the pseudonym of Isabel Fall, the identity, the lived experiences coming together in concert with imagination to form a speculative work to critique deeply problematic sociopolitical structures? That is dead. Isabel Fall will never write again, even if by some miracle the person who once used the name does. Even if she ever decides to restart her transition, she will be permanently scarred by this experience, and will never again be able to share her experience with us as a way to grow our own empathy and challenge our understanding of the world. In spirit, but not body, fandom spaces murdered Isabel Fall.
And that's... fandom, anymore. That's just what is done, routinely and without question, to Bad people. Good people are Good, so they don't make mistakes, and they never go too far when dealing with Bad people. And Bad people, well, they should have thought before they did something Bad which made them Bad people.
Isabel Fall's harassment happened in early 2020, before quarantine started, but it was in so many ways a final chance for fandom to hit the breaks. A chance for fandom to think collectively about what it wanted to be, who it wanted to be for and how it wanted to do it. And fandom looked at this and said, "more, please." It continues to harass marginalized people, especially fans of color and queen fans, into suffering mental breakdowns. With gusto.
Any ideas of reparative reading is dead. Fandom runs solely on paranoid readings. And so too is restorative justice gone for fandom transgressions, real or imagined. It is now solely about punitive, vigilante justice. It's a concerted campaign to make sure oddballs conform or die (in spirit, but sometimes even physically given how often mentally ill individuals are pushed into committing suicide).
It's a deeply toxic environment and I'm sad to say that Isabel Fall's story was, in retrospect, a sort of event horizon for the fandom. The gravitational pull of these harassment campaigns is entirely too strong now and there is no escaping it. I'm sorry, I hate to say something so bleak, but thinking the last few days about the state of fandom (not just my current one but also others I watch from the outside), I just don't think we can ever go back to peaceful "for joy" engagement, not when so many people are determined to use it as an outlet for lateral aggression against other people.
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Terry Pratchett about fantasy ❤
Terry Pratchett interview in The Onion, 1995 (x)
O: You’re quite a writer. You’ve a gift for language, you’re a deft hand at plotting, and your books seem to have an enormous amount of attention to detail put into them. You’re so good you could write anything. Why write fantasy?
Terry: I had a decent lunch, and I’m feeling quite amiable. That’s why you’re still alive. I think you’d have to explain to me why you’ve asked that question.
O: It’s a rather ghettoized genre.
Terry: This is true. I cannot speak for the US, where I merely sort of sell okay. But in the UK I think every book— I think I’ve done twenty in the series— since the fourth book, every one has been one the top ten national bestsellers, either as hardcover or paperback, and quite often as both. Twelve or thirteen have been number one. I’ve done six juveniles, all of those have nevertheless crossed over to the adult bestseller list. On one occasion I had the adult best seller, the paperback best-seller in a different title, and a third book on the juvenile bestseller list. Now tell me again that this is a ghettoized genre.
O: It’s certainly regarded as less than serious fiction.
Terry: (Sighs) Without a shadow of a doubt, the first fiction ever recounted was fantasy. Guys sitting around the campfire— Was it you who wrote the review? I thought I recognized it— Guys sitting around the campfire telling each other stories about the gods who made lightning, and stuff like that. They did not tell one another literary stories. They did not complain about difficulties of male menopause while being a junior lecturer on some midwestern college campus.
Fantasy is without a shadow of a doubt the ur-literature, the spring from which all other literature has flown. Up to a few hundred years ago no one would have disagreed with this, because most stories were, in some sense, fantasy. Back in the middle ages, people wouldn’t have thought twice about bringing in Death as a character who would have a role to play in the story. Echoes of this can be seen in Pilgrim’s Progress, for example, which hark back to a much earlier type of storytelling. The epic of Gilgamesh is one of the earliest works of literature, and by the standard we would apply now— a big muscular guys with swords and certain godlike connections— That’s fantasy. The national literature of Finland, the Kalevala. Beowulf in England. I cannot pronounce Bahaghvad-Gita but the Indian one, you know what I mean. The national literature, the one that underpins everything else, is by the standards that we apply now, a work of fantasy.
Now I don’t know what you’d consider the national literature of America, but if the words Moby Dick are inching their way towards this conversation, whatever else it was, it was also a work of fantasy. Fantasy is kind of a plasma in which other things can be carried. I don’t think this is a ghetto. This is, fantasy is, almost a sea in which other genres swim. Now it may be that there has developed in the last couple of hundred years a subset of fantasy which merely uses a different icongraphy, and that is, if you like, the serious literature, the Booker Prize contender. Fantasy can be serious literature. Fantasy has often been serious literature. You have to fairly dense to think that Gulliver’s Travels is only a story about a guy having a real fun time among big people and little people and horses and stuff like that. What the book was about was something else. Fantasy can carry quite a serious burden, and so can humor. So what you’re saying is, strip away the trolls and the dwarves and things and put everyone into modern dress, get them to agonize a bit, mention Virginia Woolf a few times, and there! Hey! I’ve got a serious novel. But you don’t actually have to do that.
(Pauses) That was a bloody good answer, though I say it myself.
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At her very core, she is the very definition of “jack of all trades, master of none”. She has a acquired a multitude of skills—dance, inventing, song, penmanship and composition, combat, strategy, and investigation, among others—but there is always someone within the Snake Eyes group who will always surpass her in some regard. So why does Ozzy keep her around?
Well, if there’s something she has above everyone else, it’s her tenacity and her daring
#hc; general#//She takes up skills to survive and keep in her back pocket#//Bc every little bit counts in her eyes#//She likes being over prepared for any thing and everything; and as self-sufficient as can be#//It does come in handy; but she can never truly call herself an expert in anything saved learned studies#//Her amassed knowledge and ever-expanding collection of information is her greatest asset#//But it’s the fact that she cannot for the life of her know when to quit that her ‘boss’ likes most#//She could be disemboweled and on her last legs; and she would STILL insist upon pushing forwards#//She could be faced with an enemy she KNOWS she can’t beat; and still step up to challenge them if need be#//She could find a snag In information that makes no sense; and she will OBSESS over it until she finds the solution or some progress#//But she cannot ever except conceding defeat whatsoever; not unless REALLY forced to#//And even then she will already be planning on how to come out on top the Instant she is able to re-engage#//To Ozzy; it’s both practical; considering the work he gives her; and good for his amusement#//Bc she will always take life or death gambles; no matter the odds; without balking in the slightest#//She will make necessary sacrifices and take the needed wounds to ensure she wins#//Anything and everyone around her; including herself; can become an exploitable pawn to ensure her successes#//Whether or not she will make sure they also come out unscathed is up to how much she likes/needs them in the long run#//She hates admitting anyone is better than her in something; but knows very well her limits in expertise compared to her allies and others#//Won’t stop her from arrogantly acting like she’s the best though#//Wsp if she so happens to use what she knows from a different field to help make herself seem more skilled in smth than she actually is#//So yeah; the thing she is best at is literally learning/retention and staying alive out of spite—which serves her quite well#//If even if it does make her SO envious and snippy when she’d faced with someone better/stronger#//Oz reckons that it can prove more valuable than skill alone esp if sb needs to make a dicey snap decision; is why she gets thmost mission#//She likes to think it’s bc he recognizes her strength; but it’s genuinely bc he likes seeing what results from her getting in deep shit#//& the assurance that even if she fails; her determination will still get them SOMETHING decent out of it; she’d make sure of it#//She’s the hardest on herself if she fails; after all. so she does what she can to ensure her failures are not Absolute—Oz appreciates tha
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