#before anyone gets up concerned
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btw i highly recommend smashing things in a safe and contained manner when you're upset. the instinct to rage and destroy can be sated by the sound of broken glass. find a place and a few objects to shatter, it's good for the soul. i just took a hammer to my ex's bong and i feel so much more normal now. you don't always have to be careful and precious with the world around you, you're allowed to destroy things too, i give you permission. violence can be healing when you're inarticulate with rage :)
#yeah yeah i have to sweep it up#but im better now#before anyone gets up concerned#i paid for it and it was left here so it's mine to destroy :)#wear protection etc
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4 MINUTES (2024) I 1.02 "Do the police normally do house check-ins."
#4 minutes#4 minutes the series#userrlaura#uservix#userfaiza#tonkla#win x tonkla#wintonkla#win#tonkla x win#jjay patiphan#fuaiz thanawat#cheating storyline let's fucking GOOOOOOOOOOO - we're so FUCKING BACK#oh korn if only you knew that while you where on your knees before fasai your boo was getting visits from a cute cop#also the way win looked at tonkla when he first saw him - that look in his eye said everything#plus i don't think that the juxtaposition between korn cheating and win showing up was a coincidence hhhhhmmmmmm#how fucking sad is it that a cop who barely knows you shows more concern than your own lover..... unless win has a different motive#idk i don't trust anyone in this show#what if tonkla starts sleeping win only to get info from him on the police investigation and then actually falls for him......#mywork
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edit: btw it is not safe to wear contacts in the shower! the option is included for accuracy, but please consider throwing on an old pair of glasses or just going blind into that wet box instead.
#this is NORMAL BEHAVIOR . its IMPORTANT to SEE in there. what if there are clowns or killers.#to be clear. all my soaps and liquids are very different shapes and identifying them is not a concern. its the terror of the unknown#edit: btw im not trying to convert anyone. but i am gonna shotgun more concerns:#facewashing: you hold the glasses in your hands (the arm between your fingers.) or you set them down for a little bit#the fog: this is a non issue /srs. i rinse them down before i do the rest so they don't fog up#the water: my lenses might be water repellent? idk. the drops that remain are small and unobtrusive#the hard water damage: again this is a non issue. the water where i live is not that hard. id be washing them in the water anyways#drying droplets: i wipe them with a glasses cloth after i get out of the shower#i do not care that you guys dont wear your glasses but i DO think you should google how to clean glasses before#telling everyone very confidently that getting them wet is?? bad for them??? clean your glasses dude
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Is it just me or does the way Hera is portrayed in the PJO/HOO series feel out of touch? By that I mean, while it plays into the idea of Hera's relationship with her husband's children and ideals of family, it seems like Rick just took that and ran with it without actually wanting to dive into those aspects and develop them more (ngl, his writing for his female characters, especially the goddesses, could use some work even if I do enjoy them). The reason Hera is the way she is with her husband's children is because she can't punish him [Zeus] directly due to him being more powerful (and the last time she turned against didn't he literally hang her from the sky)? And even while I'm not justifying her actions, there's a method to them, so why would she go after other random demigods like Percy and Annabeth? Or at least in a way that was written better than her falling into a trope (I enjoy this series with my heart, but the criticism about how the gods are written holds some value that shouldn't just be ignored either). Like, I don't know, it just feels like there was more that could've been done with her character instead of just immediately writing her off as the cruel, cold-hearted, evil stepmother (a trope that's overplayed, especially when not even bothering to give them any depth). I could write ideas, but then we'd be here all day.
#hera#pjo#hoo#pjo hera#greek mythology#greek myth#listen im getting back into greek myths and the classics so if anyone has any book/text recommendations pls share#rr crit#like especially being the goddess of family marriage and fertility her going after random children doesn't make sense (esp so hard like why#is she constantly harassing annabeth with cows?)#it also gets annoying in regard to percabeth bc the fandom tends to wrap them hating hera as their whole character trait and it's overplayed#it would make more sense for hera to probably be concerned or watching over percy bc maybe sally sent out a random prayer for help#hera caught wind (not necessarily realizing that percy is poseidon's son) and provides him & sally an added layer of protection before tlm#heck maybe she could even do the same for annabeth but to a lesser extent? maybe u could still keep them being at odds bc maybe#having grown up with thalia (who is zeus' kids & all that works) she's on edge and doesn't trust hera who'd be like “kay whatever”#and was it hard to add any scenes of hera getting any understanding like the other gods were able too (dionysus)?#like im not saying that everything she's done has to be erased but is it that hard to add dimensions to it?#percy jackson#annabeth chase
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If you dare make Malakai a love interest, I will be very cross 😈
A rap battle will commence!
Sumaya, Sumaya… oh Sumaya😮💨, Let me tell you,😡don’t be a fool today-a. Malakai?🖤Nah, he's not even close❌, Megumi’s the one y/n needs the most😎.
But if you dare👺 to push Malakai🐺ahead, I might just drop you on your head🫨. Grave consequences🔪, don’t test my nerve👿, Or you’ll get what you truly deserve😈.
Megumi’s the match,🥰that’s just the rule, Malakai?⛓️⛓️💥He’s barely even cool👎🏼. So think real hard🏏before you sway-a😉, Because I won’t be playing🦇, Sumaya👹!
… 😀
#i saw my government name#and knew this would be a concern#i have no words#did i just get threatened on TUMBLR? 😭#AND WHY IS IT ANONYMOUS AGAIN OMG SHOW YOURSELF#malakai mortimer#omg#I’M GENUINELY WHEEZING IN THE LIBRARY WHAT HAVE I GOT MYSELF INTO 😭#😀#it’s the way there’s no rhyming word for ‘sumaya’ so every sentence before it ends with (insert word)-a#💀#fess up#which one of you was it#miffysmittens?#nah she was nice about malakai#1l-YNN I KNOW IT’S YOU#reinaswrld? haven’t seen my wife in a while tho…#ERENISMYBBG#THIS CAME IN THE SAME TIME YOU CAME IN#mikikkoo! I’VE SEEN YOU INTERACTING WITH THE POSTS RECENTLY#anyone on the taglist - shaigimo? shuupiu? HELLO? WHO WAS THIS 😭#i’m paranoid now 💀 “🔪 ” “you’ll get what you TRULY deserve” HUH? 😭#i would name every user i remember (i remember every single one of you who have commented) but i’m running out of tags#liar liar asks!
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zesty lowkey just another way for str8 ppl to say faggot / faggy and get away with it
#and im sick of letting them#cus why my lil nephew not even ten yet saying that and 'acting 'zesty' ' with his friends#i hate sounding like a boomer like i value the upside of technology#but u give humans / ANYONE rlly a chance to relax and a lot will turn it into laziness / neglect just because they can#like it's good to spread awareness but it's maybe likeeee. Not a good thing to spread statements/stereotypes with no further explanation#and peddle it to CHILDREN#whose comprehensions skills are. surprise. that of a CHILD'S#i say this ironically. btw#'oh im so mature for my age' no bro ure an immature HUMAN whos being forced to immaturely consider urself mature#due to the nature of ur relationships and homelife (or more-so the lack/negatives of them)#like it's ok to be a little stupid#as long as u keep trying to improve instead of just sitting in fault#or acting like they dont exist#anyways this got off topic but ya. crazy#kids have been killing each other n crazy shit like that but lately the crazy murder stories have HEAVILY leaned into#a misunderstanding of materialism#instead of just 'i wonder what it feels like' it's 'she took my ipad & also i wonder what it feels like'#like the first was already scary enough & now we've got this shit???#empathy is going thru a downside and we need to adjust the scales back!!!#im not gonna act like this is some new never seen b4 onset of fear impacting a generation after mine#bcs it's not never seen before in LIFE.. it's just never been seen b4 in UR life. which can feel like LIFE LIFE bcs like. uve only got one#that u may be cognizant of or etc religion aspect insert here. the point is. history repeats itself. but the points of history#can vary in visibility. some events get more notice than others bcs history's voice is ppl & actions & sometimes that gets erased#this isnt some bastardization point of one generation. but it IS a flaw that can show up in any gen (usually the oncoming ones)#bcs changes can be comfort & discomfort & the one u'd usually consider negative isnt always#anyways what im trying to say is. we need empathy back up period. always. we need empathy#lack of it is concerning. end of argument
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the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍
#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man#thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking#mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they#dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done#listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life#i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this#once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i#dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this#ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be#i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about#how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being#given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out#entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please#its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have#to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once#and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general#feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this#but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is#i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired#i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if#i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore#i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr#and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning#my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better#it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood#my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it#cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen#.vent#ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.
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“How long have you been here?” She prods, bumping her gently with her foot still keeping the couple of inches of distance between them. The storm had passed 20 minutes ago and Ava had insisted on exploring as much as she could before nightfall.
“Does it matter? There’s no use dwelling on the passage of time.” Beatrice can feel bitterness lingering on her tongue. It feels like rejection, it feels like Ava has peeled back the layers of Beatrice, glanced at her and decided no thanks. They’re sat on a lumpy rock, Beatrice can feel how worn it is and wonders when she started feeling the same.
Ava pauses, before bringing her gaze from the space below them to Beatrice’s eyes. “It does to me.” Ava has a soft look in her eyes that makes Beatrice want to lash out. She looks away, she doesn’t need this, whatever it may be, whatever Ava chooses to wrap under the word ‘care’.
She takes a deep breath, hoping to still her emotions of misplaced anger. It’s not like Beatrice to get emotional, but after years of isolation, she supposes it’s bound to happen. “Days, years, maybe decades, it’s been a long time.” Beatrice gazes deeply into the horizon, how many times had she wished for this, someone to share the sunset with?
Ava hums and Beatrice turns to look at her. Her face turns to the direction of where Beatrice was once looking, admiring the view. Ava’s face is illuminated by the setting sun, she doesn’t have any blemishes or bumps on her skin. Ava is probably what humans would consider perfect. Beatrice doesn’t know what to think of her, doesn’t want to dwell on it either. She knows better than anyone what that could mean for her.
“For a such a shitty planet you’ve got a nice view.” Ava quips, Beatrice isn’t quite sure what she wants her to say. So she breathes, she closes her eyes gripping the rough stone beneath them and exhales.
“Yeah,” she can feel something rise in her. It balloons from the tips of her toes and forces it’s way up her throat. It curdles on her tongue bitter tasting, everything tastes bitter to Beatrice now. She swallows hard, wallowing in the silence procured between them.
“So, you’re like a MILF or something?” Ava jokes, Beatrice misses the uneasy expression on Ava’s face when she chokes and the smile that follows.
She hacks up spit from her lungs and feels the pressure in her throat loosen, “What?” Beatrice breathes raggedly as she clears her airway. “What could have led you to believe that?”
Ava has the nerve to look sheepishly as she shrugs her shoulders to her ears, “I mean DSP9 is basically your child? And you’re, uh,” Ava flushes as she frantically waves her arms between the two of them. “Yanno, um, h- attractive for your, um species? Race? You’re just pleasing to the eye, at least my eye. But not just pleasing! You’re like plenty smart! Living here on this desolate planet with so little you must be very fit, and survival-y.” Ava trails off blushing a profuse red.
Beatrice would be more concerned if her translator wasn’t struggling to decipher the speed of her words.
#so you're telling me a fish fried this shirimp?#a shrimp fried this frish?#a skhrimp fried this rice?#yeah i'm never coming back to this specific version of the story#found this collecting dust#not like anyone will miss the first version#this feels so awkward in so many places#anyway i hit a wall#the wall being i can't express any thing of anything to anyone or no one because then i will be perceived#and it's so horrible and so mind chomping because what the hell is hte point then#where the hell am I supposed to say very concerning life threatening sentences?#ooooh i'm pacing back and forth and beating my demons with a bat#i'm losing#what the fuck#like where am i supposed to go??????#anyway gonna try and self induce a spiral so i don't blow up on someone and say something i don't mean hahaha#and ruin my relationships with the people around me cuz it's not like that's not already happened happening#ok grandma lets get u to bed#before you start crashing out
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I would be halfway done and not like this itieration lmao.
I might sell this specific design and just redo/revamp what I got towards this oc.
If I do sell it you have to be 100% comfortable with me also owning a near twin of it this isnt kinnie drama there are gonna be doubles here.
#wip#wip tag#had an issue pop up with similar designs before#i had made the two designs togther but posted them separately#nne for sale and one i kept#but they were similar enough the buyer had concerns#which i get but also like...im the creator and that particular oc was not sold to anyone else i actually kept her but whatever
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Ok since I only have 2 more asks in the inbox I'm going to answer (which hopefully will only take me a couple more days to do), I'm unsure whether or not to re-open the inbox after I finish them, or when the chapter 5 daily is posted on the 30th.
So...
#I'm only gonna have this poll up for a day#if I go for a week then it will basically be the 30th the next day lol#I'm only concerned that if I do get a lot of asks in the week before the chapter#I'll still be answering them all instead of anyone's thoughts on the chapter#however it is up to you if you don't mind that or not
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you know, its not brought up in fics often but ted is extremely well read. he doesnt brag about it, but hes read everything from f scott fitzgerald's b sides to ayn rand's doorstoppers to the sixteen book Ender series, etc etc etc. Ted reads about as much as we see Beard reading (which. in my head is a trait that was passed on, a new focus to sharpen the mind and keep him out of trouble and his mind off drugs, something Ted offered up as a coping mechanism for when his own dad died, a way to have fun and adventure and escape without ending up in jail like Ted himself had a handful of times before, scaring the bejeezus out of his ma.)
this turned into a mini fic and i lost my train of thought but point is, Ted reads So Much and more people need to pick up on this in fics please and thank you.
#ted lasso#hes got an artistic soul!#but also anyone whos fav book is the fountainhead must be both well read and stubborn as a bull#its a slog and thats coming from someone whos read both infinite jest and les mis#im getting through it slowly but surely. mostly to stretch my story endurance before jumping into atlas shrugged#also. yes i know we have no evidence that he read all 16 ender books#but having had read them myself i know in my heart of hearts that ted absolutely finished every one of them with gusto#probably on the bus to and from games with his team back in the US#no wait hold on. he was a backup punter right? that means LOTS of time sitting on the sidelines waiting for a whole bunch of nothing#lots of time was spent watching the plays and the team and formulating im sure (which is also probably why he trusts nate so much in the#beginning. bc that used to be him sitting on the sidelines taking it all in) but also theres long stretches of no play in american football#during which he probably read like a demon to keep his grades up and keep his scholarship#so that this ma never had to worry about him away at school. He wasnt going to get into trouble anymore not like he did in high school#he had to be the man of the house and gosh darn it was he going to do it with gusto#which meant good grades and learning about life and people and spending all that free time the right way#therefore: books. an easy habit that keeps him out of trouble and keeps his mama proud. plus itd be easy to hide from coaches under his pad#if they ever had a problem with it (which im sure they would at first but once he proved he was paying attention and wormed his way in#with the team even as a reserve well. they were less eagle-eyed after that concerning the paperback-shaped lumps under his jersey)#anyway have another mini fic i guess lol#im feeling a tad verbose today
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revali in the entirety of age of calamity just makes me go HE WOULD NOT FUCKING SAY THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!
#bwark#hitting koei tecmo with a rolled up newspapet#HE WOULD NOT INSULT LINK PRIOR TO GETTING THE MASTER SWORD#LINK WAS JUST SOME GUY BEFORE GETTING THE MASTER SWORD#the scene shows it like he's annoyed that this random knight is leading the battle#but that doesn't work with aoc's gameplay because i was literally using revali as my main#ALSO HE WOULD NOT INSULT THE OTHER CHAMPION'S PERIOD#at worst i think he'd find daruk to be a bit much but he wouldn't insult him over it#he respects urbosa he finds mipha to be adorable he sympathises with zelda GIRL HE IS NICE UNDERNEATH HIS EXTERIOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#<- me trying to convince emery why revali is a misandrist and not a misogynist#EVEN HIS BEEF WITH LINK IS A FACADE#if link gets injured during the fight with wingblight revali will express genuine concern for him#HE DOESN'T HATE ANYONE HE JUST DOESN'T HAVE ANY FUCKING SOCIAL SKILLS
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#dont call anyone im safe im fine im just venting. tw for suicide/self harm/kind of intense language. ideally no ones reading this tho#bro i cant keep living like this#i dread waking up every day so much that i dread even falling asleep#i got insomnia medication in my system and my brain is still like nope absolutely not#i cant keep up at my job even when i am rested enough#i get headaches every other day#my instant mental reaction in the face of stress is to hurt myself (i have not)#like fuck. i work for the disability department of an insurance company#i know for a fact that (probably) every contract stipulates we wont cover disabilities as a result of self inflicted injuries#which is supposed to prevent ppl from taking advantage of the system or whatever#and im always like if someone goes to the lengths of actively injuring themselves to the point of disability#in the name of 'getting out of work'#that person is not 'taking advantage of the system' THAT PERSON IS FUCKING MENTALLY ILL#AND I WOULD KNOW BC I AM ONE OF THOSE PPL#do not come for me on some shit about wanting to disable yourself being morally questionable i cant be concerned abt that rn#i gotta focus on the fact that i hate my life so much id rather break my own right hand than continue it#its an improvement from the active suicidal ideation but its still a symptom of the passive ideation#fucking hell. im too self aware so i absolutely feel like im faking it or making shit up so i can be lazy and not work and whatever#but FUCKING CHRIST theres no way. if i had a choice i wouldnt let myself feel like this.#i just got to a point where i can live alone and support myself. i was so happy and so proud of myself. I don't want to lose that#but god every phone call i have to make for work makes me want to hurt myself. every early morning (and there arent many!!! i mostly work#from home!!!) makes me wish i was dead. i have to sleep for hours after work more often than not. i cant really maintain my living space#theres fucking. mold and discoloration and shit on a bunch of my clothes and some of my bags and shit!!#cause i cant fucking keep my room clean and my basement apartment got fucking humid over the summer and so much moisture got trapped#i constantly have dirty dishes getting moldy before i get to them#i just dont have the fucking energy. i want to take better care of my space. i want to be more social. i just want to go to sleep without#fucking dreading waking up. i wanna go a full week without a headache. i want my stress response to be something other than the intense and#overwhelming desire to cut myself. if i start again i dont know if ill be able to stop and i know i wont be able to keep it to my arms/legs/#easily hidden parts of my body. last breakdown i escalated to my face and i know ill pick up from there.#fuck
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Ykno the suckiest thing about being broken up with for someone else is that like. Well I'm doing generally fine, all things considered, but I Am kinda sad thinking about the things I've lost and all the casual affection that I can't have now.
But she's out there having all the affection she wants from her coworker, and it's just like. Damn this feels so skewed and SO unfair.
#speculation nation#and then U add in the fact that the girl she broke up with me for is already dating someone else (poly sort of situation)#and im just like. WHYYYYY did she break up with me instead of trying to negotiate poly???#she was gonna at first but when i expressed concern about poly given her obvious communication problems about it#then she dropped me like a hot coal. like sorry i wasnt about to let myself be stood up and ignored for basically a whole day#just to accept u trying to negotiate poly. like What?????#anyways i may have a bit of a history with being a bit of an asshole and breaking up with them#but at LEAST ive never broken up with anyone to immediately start dating someone else#and at LEAST ive broken up with them in person and not over text!!! the fuck?????#i keep alternating between 'surprisingly okay with it all' and 'maybe a little sad' and 'absolutely fucking LIVID'#and i keep wanting to yell at her more but i already said quite a lot of things. so id just be repeating myself#and at that point id just be a vitriolic piece of shit. which i try not to be.#so im letting her live in peace while i continue to be So Pissed about it and it just sucks man lmfao#why do i gotta be the bigger person fr. i even apologized for the hurtful things i was saying in anger. literally in that same conversation.#and she gets to pull this stunt and walk free and spend so much time with her new 'love' ignoring the world etc etc#honestly i hope it fails miserably for her. bc sure theres a chance it works out but every single part of this is impulsive and So Stupid.#and even tho my ex agreed with me when i told her it was INSANE. she was just like 'i have to' like OKAY????#jesus fucking christmas she's revealed a side to me that i really hadnt seen before.#so i hope it fails and i hope she tells me about it. i hope she owns up to her mistakes. for my own satisfaction.#but i have 0 intention on ever taking her back. because what the fuck????#i may be a flawed individual with plenty of problems. but i still have basic fucking dignity. and i am NOT accepting this back in my life.#and god damn her friend is moving into the unit across from mine for this coming year#and i may have to see my ex sometimes bc of it 😭😭😭#the friend seemed generally level headed tho. idk if i happen across him & he doesnt avoid me maybe i'll ask him what he thinks of this#bc she was treating me with such love and affection showing me off to all her friends. and then she drops me like a fucking coal.#i wouldnt say i made friends with them myself but we were at least friendly. so i doubt theyd have a good opinion of her for this.#so would the friend loyalty take precedence? or would he be willing to chat with me and confirm Yeah what the fuck?#bc if i had a friend who did this same exact thing id be side-eyeing them SO hard.#id support them bc theyre my friend but i would also be like 'hey uh Why did you do that. that was pretty awful of u you know that right'#& itd also make me more cautious of them too. for being Able to drop someone so suddenly lol.
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fuck
#like idk i never realized just how bad she hurt me. i didnt even rly realize she hurt me at all#bc there are so so so many ways she sldve reacted so much worse. but like i never thought someone cld just straight up ignore it.#like i get the way i told her was dumb and confusing. ok. i can understand that. whatever#but idk. she said she wished my sister had told her years earlier so that she cldve helped her back then#but then suddenly it's different when it's me. suddenly it's 'but youve always been my little girl' and 'oh i dont know that sounds dangerou#s' and 'are you sure?' and 'how long have you felt like this'#well it's been almost 5 fucking years now and it hasnt changed. i havent changed. fuck#i trusted her. i trusted her to be there for me and to support me and to accept me and she threw it back in my face and never even blinked#i can never ever trust her again and she doesnt care. she doesnt even know bc shes so wrapped up in all the fucking lies she tells herself#fuck. she did everything wrong. fuck. i can never fully trust anyone with this part of me again bc of her#and it's awful bc it's such an important part of me. it brings me so much joy and i think on it often and i love myself for it#but it's just simmering in my chest and every time i think of letting it hit air again i freeze bc i thought it was safe once and it WASNT.#i wanted to get my name changed before high school. i wanted to start the medical process. i wanted all the thing i thought shed do for me.#my wants and my understanding of my identity has changed now but it still hurts.#it hurts so bad to see other ppl my age get all of that and to have the support of their family and to not be afraid to put a name to it all#im happy for them. but it's so awful hearing her point those ppl out w no self awareness like oh thats so good for them isnt that sweet#I AM RIGHT HERE! YOU COULD BE DOING ALL OF THAT! I NEEDED YOU TO BE THAT FOR ME!#and every time she does acknowledge it she gets it completely wrong or it's just to bemoan how little she understands#'oh everyones changing their name now its so confusing' 'im really trying i dont know what else you want from me' NO YOURE NOT! YOURE NOT!#YOUVE NEVER BEEN WILLING TO TRY. NOT FOR ME.#you never fucking loved me you loved the idea of what you thought i would be and you cant fucking let it go even when the truth is staring#you dead in the face. fuck. you complain about how i 'hate you' or 'think youre stupid' well maybw treat me with an ounce of respect and act#like you understand the things youve EXPLICITLY BEEN TOLD. even a little.#but honestly it's too late. if she were to suddenly have a change of heart now i wouldnt give a damn.#the damage is done you dont get to have this part of me and act like youre such a good and supportive mother.#i cant even say i hate her. i love her but shes hurt me more than anyone else ever has and i can never trust her to actually love me or even#fucking see me or support anything about me that actually matters to me#i dont know. i dont know. thinking about it again.#ive thought abt telling my dad. not bc it wld do any good but bc ik he values honesty and maybe hed throw me a 'damn that sucks'#my sister said this is something i have to fight on but she doesnt get it. i have no ground to stand on as far as shes concerned
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✌🏻
#so for my job I have to go to a lot of crime scenes and talk with witnesses blah blah blah a lot of the time it’s in an unsafe area and I#I always try to do my job in a safe way managing the different factors like timing but I always get the work done#so much so that last week I was asked to go canvas an area I had already been to to canvas five other times for a murder and had seen drug#deals and robbery and fights and all that go on while I was there#and I brought up that it wasn’t a good time for us to be there we weren’t safe at that time and I was told I needed to suck it up and do#what was needed for the case#flash forward to a few minutes ago my supervisor came to talk to me about another case#for a murder that I had previously talked about being upset about because I had walked by the place it happened 20 minutes before the murder#and was told that it doesn’t bother anyone else and basically to suck it up#so for this case the attorney had gone to my supervisor and told him that she thinks I’m ineffective at my job and she believes I’m afraid#to go out on the scene for investigative work because I’m a white girl#and my supervisor came to tell me that he’s going to be working with me on my cases for the time being to go out into the field and locate#witnesses and so on to show her that it doesn’t bother me and I’m not afraid#which like honestly all around this is fucking ridiculous I have done this job for nearly two years I have gone to the#site of multiple murders I have gone to witnesses addresses#I have been inside victims homes to talk with them all of this all alone#and honestly that attorney is a fucking bitch who has humiliated me for having feelings about cases before so it’s infuriating but hardly#surprising but the fact that my supervisor thought this was a legit enough concern to now go with me on my cases and go through all the#steps I’ve done and everything I just feel so disrespected and not valued#last week I took last minute leave because the cases were bothering me too much and everyone was telling me I needed to get over it and it#doesn’t bother them which like sorry but I feel like having to see someone’s brains on the pavement is upsetting#and it feels like I’m being edged out because I have human feelings about our cases#even though I have done this work and done it well for two years#I’m just really sad and angry about it
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