#been trying to fart around with my camera more

[miswaken]

I haven’t been completely creatively slumped in my absence — I actually participated in my first photography show last month :’) my work got a shoutout in a local publication :’)))

[morganbritton132]

I adore Eddie falling asleep in front of the live stream and everything that follows

But now I’m also thinking of Steve one day seeing the live stream is still on but he has no idea how to turn it off so he has to ask Chat for help which he has to find first and it just turns into this hilarious quest of Chat trying to explain how to turn it off while Steve barely finds the chat to even read it

This is so painfully in line with this AU’s Steve and I love it so much. It’s perfect.

This time Steve is in the room when Eddie falls asleep, so he’s aware that there is a live-stream going on. He hasn’t been seen on camera, but the audience can hear him when he says, “You know what I’ve been craving?”

Followed by, “Benny’s Burgers. Isn’t that crazy?”

Followed by, “…Ed?”

Followed by, “Oh.”

Because Eddie’s eyes drifted shut ten minutes ago and they have yet to open. You can kinda hear movement and then Steve is wandering into the frame with his hands on his hips. He looks at the camera and frowns at it before he pokes Eddie in the arm, “Ed. Eddie, babe. You left the – the thing going.”

Eddie slumps over a little more and Steve sighs, running his hands through his hair. He doesn’t try to wake Eddie up anymore, just twists him around so he’s laying more comfortably. He throws a blanket over him and then wipes his hands of the whole situation. It is not his problem.

Except that makes him feel bad, so he comes back to the studio.

At first he just sits the phone facedown and leaves again, but he doesn’t like that either. What if Eddie talks in his sleep about the Upside Down (something that he has never done before), or has a bad nightmare, or farts and the whole internet hears it. Steve doesn’t want him to be embarrassed so, “It’s not rocket science, Harrington. Let’s figure this out.”

It might be rocket science.

For the audience at home, they get to experience Steve Harrington up close and personal because Steve is (1) not wearing his glasses and (2) cannot figure out how to end the stream. He keeps tapping at the screen, looking more and more annoyed as he does it, and then he stands up and walks out of the room.

Steve puts the phone on the coffee table in the living room, and then leaves again. After another five minutes, he comes back. The audience at home gets to watch this man mutter to himself as he places the phone in different rooms and then decides he doesn’t like it there and comes back for it (“The bathroom? Really, Harrington? What are you doing?”).

Frustrated with wasting the last hour of his life (much to the amusement of the people watching), Steve picks up the phone again and glares at it. He is sitting on the floor in the living room, squinting at the phone as he jabs at the screen again, “Tell me how to turn you off.”

Steve frowns, “Where’s the chatlog? I know there’s a – oh my god.”

“There was nothing wrong with AOL messenger!” Steve rants to the screen as he continues to poke at it. “I had AOL and I was happy. Everything was where it should be. Myspace was fine! I had a Myspace, but this – Oh! I got it. I got it! Hello. Can someone tell me how to turn this off?”

There are a lot of people in the chat. Most of them are excited that Steve is there and they’re gushing in the comments about how much they love him and appreciate him. Some people are asking questions about him. There are people begging him not to end the stream and others telling him to wake Eddie up.

There are even people who are genuinely trying to help him, but it’s all coming at Steve really fast. It’s sudden and overwhelming, and – “I’m too dyslexic for this.”

“I’ve got a brain like scrambled eggs, can – just one of you talk and tell me how to end this. Can you do that?” Steve asks, and everybody comments at once. “So, no. You can’t do that. Great.”

Steve rubs at his eyes and then does what he should’ve done in the first place and calls Dustin. He has his phone on speaker so the audience can hear when Dustin answers. Steve only says, “Help me.”

“With the stream or in general?”

“How do you –“ Steve stops, makes eye contact with the camera and then rolls his eyes. “Have I not suffered enough for you.”

“No.”

Steve has a look on his face like he’s about to remind Dustin that he was literally tortured in the name of scientific discovery but thinks better of it and says, “I’m telling Erica.”

“Fine, I’ll tell you how to end it.”

Dustin starts walking Steve through how to end the live stream but right before Steve hits the right button to end it all, both his phone and Eddie’s phone are knocked out his hands and you hear him yelp as he’s tackled over. The chat explodes and Dustin’s like, “Where’d you go? Steve?”

Then you hear the sound of a kiss and Eddie say, “I’ve missed you.”

There’s a smile in Steve’s voice when he says, “It’s been an hour.”

“Tell me about it.”

There’s the sound of another kiss and then, very loudly, Steve says, “Turn off your live-stream!”

[aihoshiino]

chapter 155 thoughts

Thanks for your patience! I had some stuff crop up IRL this week that kept getting in the way of my chapter review but we're so oshi no back

Chapters Since The 143 Kiss Happened And Went Entirely Unacknowledged And Unaddressed Count: 12

Aqua Hoshigan Status: White

i can't believe toxic yuri was the real core theme of this manga all along

With the long road to revenge seemingly conquered, Oshi no Ko eases us into a bit of a false high before the real finale comes barrelling in. As with 152, it feels like we're tying off a number of arcs that have lasted through the series, with certain characters getting what is clearly supposed to be their big emotional resolutions… and unfortunately, as with 153-4, while a lot of these beats are satisfying on paper, they suffer a lack of buildup that makes them ring a bit hollow. OnK's clumsy handling of certain characters during the Movie Arc has really come back to bite it during the finale, leaving me feeling like a lot of the emotional payoffs for them are undercut and the character work they're doing doesn't have the groundwork it needs to properly resonate. I defo didn't hate this chapter like some folks seemed to, but it has some pretty substantial issues in terms of micro and macro storytelling I am compelled to talk about. This is one of those chapter reviews I think comes across way more negative than it necessarily is lol but man did this one give me a headache…

To start things off, the thing that initially delayed this review: page fucking one!!! By total coincidence, this was the first chapter in basically forever where I didn't get a chance to look at the JP raws until like two days after it dropped and as such I was ripping my hair out trying to figure out who the narrator was on page one - the use of 'Mama' made me wonder if it was Ruby, but the visual flow of the page is much more biased in favor of Aqua and I probably don't need to tell you how fucking huge it would be for Aqua to have called Ai that for the first time!!! However, based on the speech patterns of the speaker in Japanese and the way subsequent pages flow from this intro, I'm pretty settled on it being Ruby - this chapter is a sort of closing of the book on her involvement in the revenge play or as my friend Mala put it, it's Ruby's homecoming so to speak. And like… honestly, thank god lol.

I get a lot of Ruby fans have wanted her to be more involved in this side of the story for a good while but I think the Black Hoshigan Ruby arc playing out like it did made it pretty clear that Ruby as a character is not super well suited to playing a role in the revenge half of OnK in the way that Akasaka wants it to be written. Not just that, but her actual post-BH characterization in relation to this arc has been such a wet fart that I really think it has taken away a lot more than it has added to her arc.

Not only that but… most of it didn't even happen onscreen lol! Not only did we get that absolutely baffling speech in 147 where she literally looked into the camera and Explained With Her Words the character arc she was supposedly having this whole time (just offscreen and nowhere the reader could see) but we now get Aqua going "well ruby decided to forgive him so it is what it is i guess". It feels so limp as a reason for him to have flipped on a dime like he did, especially when we still haven't fucking seen this supposedly lifechanging performance of Ruby's!!!! SO many characters have the resolutions to their Ai-adjacent arcs connected to how Ruby chose to play Ai in the movie but we're not actually seeing it. We're just sort of talking around it and having it exposited to us. I want to assume this is setup for us eventually seeing it ourselves but like… at this point, IS there any point to us revisiting the movie's content? Everything we might have learned from it has already been addressed by characters Telling Us To Our Faces How It Made Them Feel And Gave Them Therapy so it would ultimately be superfluous.

God. I hate still bitching about the Movie Arc now we're out of it, but it really is the albatross around the neck of this finale. So many of the issues littered through these last ten or so chapters are the result of the Movie Arc's fumbling and misuse of the cast and its failure to establish the emotional throughlines that should have been tied off by these chapters. I keep feeling like I'm repeating myself when I talk about XYZ Narrative Beat not being bad on paper but being less effective than it should do because of lacking underlying foundation but it really is the one central thing plaguing this arc right now.

i get what you guys are going for but. seeing aqua just let kamiki walk away when he has definitely killed people is really funny.

The twins' return to Miyako is another moment that I like in theory but honestly just feels frustrating. It's been over 25 chapters - a week short of an entire year since 125 came out where Miyako lamented her inability to reach the twins like a 'real' mother would and this thread was immediately dropped like a rock. She had zero involvement in the Movie Arc even during parts it was straight up absurd that she was not at least reacting to the events going on, didn't have any reaction to the movie or like… anything going on that could have more organically lead to this development.

I also have to say. The twins returning to Miyako performing this Snapshot of Aesthetic Motherhood (as u/DeliSoupItExplodes on the OnK sub put it) felt kind of. Weird and even a little icky to me in a way I've been struggling to articulate. Just that it felt extremely on the nose and kind of. eeeh.

that said. i won't pretend i'm not 4x critically weak to an 'okaeri' / 'tadaima' exchange at the end of a long quest or journey…

For all my complaints about the surrounding context, this scene in isolation is pretty much the one part of this chapter that just uncritically works. It's hard not to read it as a parallel to Miyako offering to adopt the kids in chapter 10 - except there, Aqua refuses to step into his new family. Here, Miyako pulls him into the embrace and the two of them finally engage not as peers but as a mother and son, as they've needed to do all this time. Her words here are so lovely and so, so sincere that it's really no wonder Aqua breaks down in tears. As much as I've bitched about the lacking work in his arc across the last major chunk of chapters, it's nevertheless been incredibly cathartic to see Aqua finally start letting down his walls, believing in his future and letting people love him. I just wish it had the buildup to really land.

also the twins just… still have not had a real conversation or interaction about literally anything lol.

Ichigo's back…! I already aired my major complaint about this scene vis-a-vis Ruby but I imagine this is the last time we're going to get a real Moment with Ichigo so I might as well get this off my chest now: it was and continues to be utterly bonkers to me that of the characters we saw having Feelings about the 15 Year Lie cast screening, Ichigo was not one of them. And it's even more bonkers that we got this whole bit waxing poetic about fucking Kaburagi and how he feels soooo bad about Ai when like… I'm sorry, but Kaburagi's feelings about Ai are so low on my list of priorities as to be functionally irrelevant. Quite frankly, he does not matter and it's INSANE that the story gave this misty-eyed moment to him and not Ichigo - you know, the agent of the industry that went on to exploit and kill her, her literal, actual dad whose guilt over what happened to her made him ghost his family for nearly twenty years? Can you imagine what an insanely powerful moment of resolution it would've been for that moment of Kaburagi addressing Ai through the 15YL poster to have gone to Ichigo instead?

I also have to note this weird ongoing thread of 'the Dome' being framed as Ai's dream that Ruby is inheriting when it, uh, patently was not! I'm sure she felt some pride in her success but all she herself said on the matter back when it came up was that she didn't get what a big deal it was but that since everyone else was happy, she'd be happy too. I initially took this to be laying the groundwork to disprove this idea and make the characters work out what Ai really wanted in her heart of hearts but now the narrative seems to just be uncritically treating this as a value neutral fact. So… who even knows lol.

Short hair Akane returns…! I don't imagine it was planned, but it's a cute coincidence that she cut her hair in the manga right around the time anime Akane grew hers out for season 2. I've always liked short hair Akane best so this was a nice surprise…

I have to say it was uh, really funny to see so many people get so shocked and mad when Akane talked about 'imitating Hoshino Ai' and screaming that this was a retcon or ruining Akane's character when like… was this really news to you guys??? Even before she grew her hair out, she flipped her bangs to go in the same direction as Ai's as soon as she started acting as her and she was popping hoshigans all over the place when she was getting her career off the ground… like, seriously, was this really a shock to people???

Anyway uh. Vindication for me from this scene!!! I've been pointing out for over a year now that we should be very cautious about taking it at face value that Hikaru killed Gorou and Yura because the story has been very delicately implying that to be the case while avoiding confirming it outright in a way that reeked of a red herring to me. That combined with his failure to even mention these two victims while 'fessing up to Aqua really raised some additional red flags for me and finally, we see Aqua confirming that no, Hikaru was not the one person behind everything, Light Yagami style and the final boss of the series seems set to be B-Komachi's former Queen of Smiles. Fuyuko Niino.

And Iiiiiiiii… feel very uneasy about this twist!

First of all; I have to acknowledge that nope, we have no fuckin clue how either Aqua or Akane figured this out but we'll probably get the exposition in that regard over and done with next chapter. Also something a lot of people caught is that Ryosuke is referred to with a different name here - Sugano vs Kaihara, which was used during the Movie Arc. I've heard this called out as a mistake/retcon and it could be, but tbh I'm inclined to think it's just that Ryosuke's name was changed for the movie, since a point is made about needing everyone's permission to include them in the movie and they, uh… can't exactly ask Ryosuke!

But… back to the real point here.

Nino has been one of my favourite OnK characters since I first read 45510 and every subsequent expansion on her character and her relationship with Ai has only made me more invested in her. But the story setting her up as the final villain here is… it leaves me feeling a little cold and very uncertain about how it'll go.

First off, the framing of Nino on these last two pages is just so overwrought that it's a little ridiculous lol. The image of her squatting in her filthy room, listening to old B-Komachi tracks and staring at a poster of the old group with all the other members but her and Ai aggressively scribbled out… it feels downright parodic to an extent that I think honestly makes Nino that much less nuanced and human by its inclusion alone.

Like… a big part of what I loved about Nino's inclusion in the story and how her relationship with Ai was framed was that it was messy and honest in a way that felt like it wasn't judging Nino herself or making her out to be a villain. Her and Ai's relationship breakdown was a two-sided failure of communication spurred on in large part by Ai's own avoidance and inability to have frank, sincere discussions with the people who cared about her. Nino's tangled up feelings of admiration and desire, envy and resentment, love and hate were not flattering but they felt so real and so human. She was a young girl put into an impossible situation and without the power to change the invisible dynamics of the systems around her, she lashed out at the person in front of her that she could see. The impression I always got was that part of what so deeply fucked up her feelings about Ai was her lack of closure - that she had never gotten to say sorry or patch things up. That she had screamed I wish you'd die at someone she loved and then she fucking died. No wonder she was a mess.

All this though… maybe I'm overreacting when we're just a page and a half into this reveal but again, the framing here really does feel so exaggerated and shallow. It feels like it's falling into the trap OnK previously fell into with the GRSR relationship where it attempts to amp up the drama by massively overexagerrating the emotions at play, blowing them up to their hugest possible extreme and letting all nuance and subtlety get lost in the noise. Ultimately, this will all come down to execution and while it's possible for AkaMengo to get us back on track with the Nino I already liked… idk. Like I said. I'm uneasy.

I also can't let it go unsaid - accidentally or otherwise, the framing of Nino here leans extremely hard into the stereotype of the 'psycho'/predatory lesbian and I don't think I need to explain why that sucks donkey nuts, especially in the midst of a manga that is so insufferably hetero at all other times.

at least she has good taste in b-komachi tracks.

[emmyrosee]

HI HI HI I came up with this one when I was in a superrrrr giggly mood and I’ve been saving it up in my little notes thing so I hope you enjoy Suna 2 hehe <3 (and it’s fitting bc I’m in a mood similar to that again now 😭)

BUT ANYWAY!!!!

Suna sending you pictures from his camera roll/more texts/making you laugh in general in situations you shouldn’t be laughing (like a lecture or something). words, inside jokes, memes that he just KNOWS are going to fuel the fire. He will watch you struggle to hold in a laugh with tears in your eyes when someone calls you out with the fondest look on his face (which he’ll try to hide ofc cause he doesn’t want anyone to know he’s part of the issue, the little shit)??? He’ll push it to the point where you can’t even look at him for the rest of whatever it is you’re doing without immediately having to look away in order to not make a scene. God forbid you guys are sitting NEXT to each other, he’s going to make your life a living hell. He’s less likely to do it when you two are sitting together, actually, cause he has less self control and will probably end up wheezing too. At least from across the room he can hide his amusement and the most emotion that comes through is his stupid little smirk. (it doesn’t have to be this setting, this man will literally make sure to do it in the WORST possible situations for you bc he’s nothing if not a menace who wants to see his baby loosen up a bit bc of him)

But honestly he just loves to make you laugh and seeing you lose control like that just makes him so soft. Later, when you’re annoyed with him for making you suffer like that (even if you both know it was incredibly funny) he will gladly cuddle you as an apology. And if you’re willing, he’ll show you a couple other things he had in his arsenal to hear your laughter clearly this time (in whatever form you see fit!!)

anon <3

ISNSOSNSOSNOSKS S T O P MY BESTIE AND I LITERALLY HAVE THIS ONE MEME I SENT HER, AND DEADASS WELL BE IN A WORK MEETING AND INSTANTLY JUST START CACKLIGN SOENDOENOS-

But honestly like. He is the absolute worst.

Because okay. Like, rintaro knows when it’s not time to fuck around because it’s serious (which is like. 0.003% of the time you’re together, other times you’ll just swat the shit out of him-) but he considers any other time free game, because he can see the way your shoulders tense, or the way you gnaw at your lip, or dig at your cuticles, and he hates to see you like that.

So. Like any other menace, he sends the worst kinds of things at the worst kind of times.

One time, you were out with some friends who were just kind of like, not engaging with you, so when you texted Rin to tell him you were bored, he immediately sends this tiktok, and it has you choking on your drink.

A few weeks ago, his family was having a little get together, and despite having been together for years, you still sometimes get a little shaky around his family, so, naturally, as you’re talking to his aunts and mother, he sends you this meme, and it makes you snort aloud.

It has his poor aunts chuckling awkwardly, and you scowl because you know damn well in the hammock seat three yards away, some dickhead with a middle part is snickering victoriously.

Even yesterday, when you were getting ready to leave, you slipped and fell on your ass, and a few hours later, you got this tiktok sent to you, and it had you tearing up to hide your laughter at work.

And it’s like. Healthy, because once you start firing back at him, the two of you going out just becomes an absolute mess of laughter and wheezing and the occasional annoyed look but tf they looking at, they’re just jealous-

This tiktok in particular almost got you kicked out of a restaurant from a few noise complaints, mainly from his snorts.

And even if it’s not always appreciated, it’s always from a good place. And that’s what makes it special; be it something dumb like fart noises, or cat pictures, it’s always something he knows is going to make you lose your mind in the best way he thinks you need it.

Of course it is best to see him nudging for your attention when you pretend to be mad about it.

“I know you laughed,” he whined, tugging at your shirt. “Come onnnnn, we got yelled at together!”

“It was embarrassing,” you grumble.

“You’re already dating me, how much more embarrassing could you think this gets?”

That, to your dismay, gives him another snort, and now that he knows you’re not actually upset, he leans over to nuzzle his head against your cheeks and neck, “you can’t resist me and you know it.”

“I hate you so much,” you scoff, trying to shrink your shoulders to get his face away, “and fuck off with the ears and neck shit!”

“I thought you liked when I whispered in your ear,” he teases, despite knowing you, in fact, have extremely mixed feelings about said action.

And sure, when you shove him off the bed to get away from him and it sparks a whole new round of play fighting, both of you know it’ll end with your head on his chest, his slender fingers gently rubbing up and down your back while his other hand shows you the knew chaos on his for you page.

It’s a cycle at this point.

And you’re fairly sure it’s not one he’s looking to break anytime soon 🥺💖

[skibidi-mimic-division]

[Transmission incoming.]

.

.

.

[Transmission accepted]

The large screen in from of the human shows nothing but black and white TV static for a few moments before the video on the other end starts to clear up.

"Dammit!" a raspy English voice calls out before a loud clang can be heard, likely the person on the other end wacking their own video broadcasting device. The video clears up almost immediately after the device is hit, the TV static lingering on the edges of the monitor before dissipating.

"Human. Nice to finally see ya properly, kid." the same raspy English voice says, the voice belonging to a man in the middle of the screen. It's none other than Chief! The leader of the Firehose Faction. Said man is wearing a simple long sleeved white t-shirt and some khaki cargo pants.

"Now I'm not one to beat around the bush but I got word of your mimic division and I thought I'd try to contribute to it. One of my boys mentioned meeting you briefly a while ago after we put out a shop fire." Chief rasps out quickly, turning his head to the side to look at the human with one eye, his metallic bronze head glinting in the soft light of the video feed.

"See, I'm a beach man, I like going to the beach and dipping my toes in the sand and what not, and with Summer approaching we've been going more frequently and only recently we've started seeing some... particularly odd things in the ocean, scares the shit outta of Hoseman." Chief continues, leaning on the table the monitor is on, which js attached to his recording device. He moves, what is presumably, a mouse around and clicks a few things before an image appears on the human's end of the transmission.

"Sorry for the bad quality, kid. It was overcast and foggy that day, and frankly, we aren't camera units, so pictures and videos ain't our thing." Chief says before continuing, "I want to think those things are mimics. Something aquatic. But they aren't those speaker mimics like your friend Pal, or that one Clif guy either. They've got fins on their tails and backs, even one on their head, and as far as I'm aware, speaker mimics have frills and wings, not fins. Except for that Clif guy. But I wanted to inform you of this, I don't want to put my people at risk because of some anomalous aquatic entity that could possibly be a mimic out in the water. I think I'd actually be the one most at risk of this." Chief pauses, rubbing his hands together, a few scars showing in the dim light of the room he is in.

His, and the human's, attention is drawn to the door when Veteran steps into the room. Chief straightens up a bit, his posture stiffening before his shoulders go lax at the sight of Veteran. His one visible eye flicks between the human and Veteran before he speaks, "Veteran." is all that comes from Chief, he sounds firm, even a hint of nervousness barely detectable in his voice. "I hope this one doesn't end up like your last one. Not to insult your protection skills or anythinf." Chief says, crossing his arms and stepping back from the monitor a bit. "Old fart." he mutters quietly, "But that's not what I called for. Do you think you have any ideas or clues as to what may be in the water, kid?" Chief asks, tilting the front end of his head down slightly.

. . . Hello, Chief. It has been a while since we last spoken...and I thought I remembered telling you to keep that between you and me. My chi--...(ahem), my charge is currently in good hands and is thriving while under the care of me and the alliance. I can't change the past...but I can prevent it from ever happening again. I can promise you that.

Uhh? You two know each other...? Oh! I...uh...well then! Hello! Nice to officially meet you, Chief! It's nice to hear from the Fire Squad for the first time! As for the photos you sent in, I will have to say that those mimics are NOT in our database! Judging from their appearance, I think those mimics may be strictly fully aquatic or oceanic in nature! I'm a little sad that you didn't manage to get their heads in the photo, but some evidence is better then no evidence! We will be sending out some scouting drones and I will be asking Clif if he knows these mimics! Keep an eye out and make sure to stay safe until we can gauge their hazard level! Thank you for your contribution to our archive, Chief!

[sachermorte]

been feeling kind of untethered from the mortal coil lately so I took some time to do a real photoshoot for the first time in weeks

these pictures were taken while a group of germans with big cameras were waiting for me to gtfo so they could take pictures of the street

I can guarantee you I was taking my sweet-ass time but also if you saw me farting around at Spittelberg doing this then no you didn't

my mother asked me to try to wear more color to see if that helps me feel better but my heart just isn't in it. also I would love to inexplicably lose weight for once than mysteriously gaining it but that's just the nature of my fucked up hormones I guess

I drank too much coffee this morning so I'm glad these came out as well as they did because otherwise I would be on the verge of tears all day until I crash and take a nap in approximately ninety minutes

[saffronjades]

Silent Studio

The man behind the camera.

An often underappreciated role in the porn industry, but I play the part perfectly.

There's a lot that goes into framing the models in just the right way. Is it an art? Is it a science? I like to think it's a little of both. It isn't just about what would be most appealing to the viewer or your own eyes - You are taking part in a dance with the model. As they move around, you pan, flip, and zoom to compliment their actions. A good scene makes you forget the cameraman even exists in the room.

This particular session was our first with Grace. A pseudonym - One she picked out so that she can advertise herself as "Gassy Grace." I had recorded for all sorts of fetishes, but this was my first time on the set of a fart porno. Seeing some of her past work, I could see that she farted like a machine - Long, bassy blasts, usually with her male colleague Dave receiving them directly onto his face. For our session, the storyline was that Dave had embarrassed Grace in front of her friends, and she was to punish him with facesitting farts.

At least, that's what was supposed to happen.

The cameras had been stopped for 45 minutes. It was the third time we had to cut the session entirely - 2 and a half hours we had been trying, but Grace couldn't get any gas out.

The session began with a very small poot. *rrt* - Not into Dave's face, but as a playful warning to him before she mounted his face. I noticed how small the release had been, and gave a look to the sound engineer, Lili. She gave a thumbs up, telling me it was picked up by the mic.

*Perfect, no need to cut and try again.*

As Grace mounted Dave's face, she spoke. Due to the unpredictability of gas, a lot of what happens is only partly scripted - The scene itself is written, but the dialogue is just guided.

"I got a big one coming, open up."

*fff*

A short, airy breeze came out. Grace looked disappointed, "Fuck! Where's my gas?" She stood up as she spoke.

"Cut," the director yelled, "Grace, you okay?"

"Yeah, just not feeling gassy right now," she massaged her belly slightly, "it'll come back, though."

The director thought for a moment. "Shall we take 5?"

We had a 5-minute break whilst Grace did some stretches to try and get things moving around.

When we started filming again, still nothing. A lot of great improvised dirty talk, but all the footage unusable from a lack of farts.

We took another 5-minute break. This time, the break turned into 10 minutes. Then half-an-hour. Then 45 minutes.

Everybody was being patient, but it began to feel like we may have to reschedule the session for another day. Grace just couldn't seem to get any gas to come out.

Dave went off to use the bathroom, and we were all chatting whilst we waited for him to return. Grace was laughing with us about the spicy beans she had eaten for lunch, a dish she says always does the trick.

Suddenly, her smile disappears, as her eyes widen with excitement. She grabbed her stomach and bent forward slightly.

"Guys, guys, I've got a big one."

"Holy shit, places everyone," the director yelled, "Dave! Dave? Where's Dave?"

Everybody looked at each other for an explanation, but nobody had an answer.

"Probably in the bathroom still," I spoke up.

"I can't keep this in," Grace looked a little panicked now, "it'll either come out or fade away."

The director looked panicked now, too. We didn't have enough footage, and needed more. "There must be something we can do," he spoke as he paced around. He laughed slightly as he continued, "I mean, any volunteers for a last minute replacement?"

"Wait," Grace spoke, now squatting on the floor trying to hold her fart in, "you're joking, but it could work. Anybody?"

Nobody volunteered.

"It was worth a try," Grace looked at the ground, "I think I'm gonna just let this out now if we want a shot of me farting alone."

"I'll do it," I spoke up.

Like it was an urgent mission, I marched into the centre of the set, and laid down. The camera was already aligned and framed for this part of the room.

"Are you sure?" Grace asked kindly.

I nodded.

I watched as my vision became nothing but her ass. Her cheeks touching my face, with my nose between. I could see her butthole, closed tightly, keeping the air from escaping.

"Action!" The director yelled.

"You've always wanted this, haven't you?" Grace got a final few words out before letting go of her core muscles, "You've secretly always wanted this."

I know it was part of the scene. But she wasn't wrong. I have always wanted this.

*BRrrrrRRRRRarPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP*

A huge 5-second long fart blasted into my face. The smell was overwhelming, as my eyes watered a little.

*BBrrrrrrrrrrrp*

Grace moaned as she let more out.

"Yeah, take it all. Sniff it all up, I don't want any of the smell to reach me."

She really knew how to improvise.

*PRrrrrrrttttt*

This was supposed to be my character's hell, but I didn't play the part - This was my heaven.

"Take my disgusting farts, this is what you deserve!"

*bllpbllpbllpbllpbllpbllp*

A bubbly one shook across my face. I could feel the bubbles of air ripple between my skin and hers.

*fffffffff*

A long, silent fart slithered out of her. I watched her butthole as it opened wider, allowing the gas to hiss from her ass. The smell was the most rancid of them all.

I felt her legs tense around my sides, as her hands dug into my legs. A loud grunt as her core tightened.

*prrrrpprpprprppppptpprptptppprppppprpptptpttttttt*

10 seconds? 15 seconds? 20? I don't remember. I just remember the feeling - The warmth spreading across my face and neck. The aroma entering my nostrils and going deep inside of me - I could feel the back of my throat tingling from the stench. She moaned as the fart escaped her, probably feeling a wave of relief.

"I think that's all I got for now," she spoke as she stood up and checked on me, "you okay back there?"

"Yeah, I'm okay."

I lied. I was more than okay.

"Good, because we'll need you for the next scene. We can't swap actors halfway through," Grace laughed.

"We need to re-record the intro with you, too," the director chimed in, "no farts are needed there, so we can do it now whilst we wait for more."

"Sure," I spoke, trying to bring myself back to reality.

*This is where I needed to be.*

[oliverreedmasterass]

Words: 4k

Summary: the guys get up to some hijinks and hair trouble on the set of their Heat Above music video 

Warnings: language, Sam’s hair in jeopardy

_____________________________________________________________

Sam would have been more eager to get in front of the camera for their new music video if it wasn’t obvious that the entire set was some kind of elaborate prank caused by the mastermind that was unfortunately his older brother.

Sam didn’t have any solid evidence to prove his theory that what he had originally thought would be a music video for their upcoming single was actually an opportunity for Josh to get blackmail of him, but he trusted his gut. It only made sense that Josh would be motivated to make a huge fool out of him after Sam had called him a hobbit earlier in the week in front of their entire production team. The technicians all thought it was hilarious, and so had Sam, but after taking one look at Josh’s scour, he knew he was going to pay for it later.

And apparently now was later.

Sam stared at his reflection in the mirror with an uncharacteristic grimace. He was dressed in a suit that made him look like the tin man, but that wasn’t the worst part. On top of his head was what looked like an aluminum foil helmet engulfing his entire face. Only Josh could think of putting him in something so god-awful.

“I can’t go out there looking like this,” Sam grumbled to his reflection, messing with the headpiece to try and make it look even mildly better. It was no use. If anything, the headpiece proved that Sam’s best feature was his hair, because it was completely hidden beneath the shining silver, and he looked awful.

To Sam’s horror, Danny invited himself into his trailer without knocking and immediately let out a confused laugh.

“What the hell is on your head?” he asked. Sam winced.

“Am I wearing this right?”

Danny immediately picked up on Sam’s discomfort and hurried to his side, poking at the fabric with confusion.

“I honestly can’t tell,” he admitted after a minute of silent contemplation. “I don’t think there’s any way to wear that and look good.”

“Fuck,” Sam said.

“I’m sure the costume people wouldn’t mind if you chucked it,” Danny suggested.

“Oh no, they’d be heartbroken if you did,” Josh appeared in the doorway, looking at Sam with a smug grin that immediately made him guilty. “They worked so hard on that, it would be a tragedy to toss it in the bin.”

“Why don’t you wear it then?” Sam said, reaching up to tear it off and throw it at Josh’s face. Before he could, Jake joined Josh’s side and, much to Sam’s disdain, started to laugh louder and harder than he had ever heard before. Even more than the time Josh accidentally set his ass on fire when he was trying to light one of his farts.

“I thought I got the short end of the stick when they gave me white tights,” he gasped out after catching his breath. “I was so wrong.”

“I still think you got the short end of the stick with those tights,” Sam told Jake with a frown. “Please don’t take that sash off, you’ll ruin my day if you do.”

“I think your day’s already ruined if you’re gonna have to wear that thing,” Danny told Sam. Sam hated that he was right. Even though he knew Josh would throw a fit, Sam reached up to take the horrid thing off his head.

“Oh no,” Sam’s face caved in with fear.

“What?” his bandmates asked.

“It won’t come off,” Sam whispered.

This caused both Jake and Josh to erupt into such loud and boisterous laughter that Danny had to push them outside and lock the door so he could focus on helping Sam. Sam appreciated the gesture, but he could still hear their cackles outside which made his skin crawl.

“How is it stuck?” Danny asked lightly, coming back to poke at the headpiece.

“I think it got caught in my hair,” Sam winced after giving it another tug. Danny tried to slip his fingers inside the fabric around the crown of Sam’s head and patted around.

“Oh yikes,” he murmured.

“What?”

“You’re right, it’s super tangled.”

“Shit.”

“I have no clue how you managed to do that, dude.”

“Josh must have known this was going to happen.”

“I think you’re giving him way too much credit.”

Sam threw himself back onto the trailer’s leather couch and leaned forward so his head was in between his knees. Danny watched in wonder as Sam attempted to peel the headpiece off, starting around his neck and moving up to the scalp. He made a couple grunts in pain as he got closer to getting it fully off but, by the time he reached the crown of his head, Danny saw what the problem was.

For an unknown reason to him, there was a complex pattern of sequins sewn on the inside of the fabric, which had conveniently intertwined with Sam’s hair in such a chaotic way, Danny wondered if Sam had given himself a noogie, because there was no other explanation for how it could be that bad. It looked bad, like something only scissors could fix. That was news Danny was in no rush to tell Sam.

Sam gave up trying to tug the headpiece off and held his head in his hands with a frown.

“It’s bad, isn’t it?” he asked Danny.

“It’s not good,” Danny said.

“Shit,” Sam grumbled.

Outside the door where Jake and Josh’s laughs had finally died down, one of the set PAs knocked on the door.

“We need you out there in 5!” she called in.

“Is it something we can fix in 5?” Sam asked Danny. Danny studied Sam’s face that was pale with fear. His eyes tracked back to the mess of fabric and hair on his head.

“You need 25 minutes at least.”

Someone knocked on the door again and Sam and Danny both shouted that they were coming soon, and to just give them a second. But, to their surprise, instead of the set PA, Jake let himself back into the trailer. Sam was disturbed to find that he had taken off his sash so his white tights left little room to the imagination.

“Josh told me I should ruin your day further,” Jake said with a cheeky smile that quickly fell when he saw the situation on top of Sam’s head.

“How the hell did you do that?” he asked with genuine curiosity, pointing a finger at Sam’s scalp.

“Ask Josh, I’m sure he was behind this,” Sam grumbled.

“He definitely bribed the costume department to have you put that on, but you’re the one who got it all tangled up on your head. Were you breakdancing with it on or something?”

“Are you gonna help me or not?” Sam deadpanned back at his brother. If he wasn’t going to extend a hand, Sam was more than prepared to kick him and his tight pants out of his trailer.

Jake came closer to Sam, which Sam slightly recoiled at, and closely studied his head.

“Mind if I take a stab at it?” he asked. Before Sam could respond that he could as long as he was gentle, Jake planted his bare feet firmly into the tiled floor and grabbed onto the fabric as if it was a ledge he was hanging on for dear life. Sam let out a small gasp and winced, bracing himself for the pain that was inevitably going to happen. While Jake probably had telekinetic powers with Josh through their magic twin powers, he most definitely lacked that psychic connection with Sam as he gave a large yank on the fabric.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Danny tried to step in as Jake wound up to give another pull. Sam could feel heavy tears forming in his eyes, which were squeezed shut because he didn’t want to see what Jake was doing, or frankly those pants up close. His scalp was burning from the strength behind Jake’s tug and he was certain that Jake had successfully ripped a solid clump of hair from his head so he probably looked like he had male pattern baldness. Just his luck.

“It just needs a little coaxing out, that’s all,” Jake replied with determination.

“Usually you don’t coax something out with that much force,” Danny retorted.

Sam felt Jake winding up for a second pull and quickly slapped his hands away from his head to make sure he didn’t lose any more hair than he could help. With a sigh, he opened back his eyes and wiped away some loose tears.

“I’ll keep the stupid thing on for the shoot.”

“What? I almost got it off,” Jake protested.

“No you didn’t,” Danny said. ���I think you were enjoying that a little bit too much.”

Sam stood from the couch and flattened the fabric back over his head and down his neck so he looked like a glittery airpod again. Without saying another word, he flung open the door to the trailer, hopped down its steps, and headed for set. Jake and Danny shared an uncertain glance and then followed behind him.

“Can you please put the sash back on?” Danny asked.

“I’ll put it on when I want to,” Jake replied.

As Sam walked closer to the studio, he tried his best to hold a level of confidence that made him look less like a fool. He figured that runway models constantly had to wear dumb shit that made them look like clowns, but somehow they always made it work. It was all about confidence, and Sam was going to make sure that no strange looks or laughs behind his back would tear him down. He was going to own the hell out of his stupid headpiece and make sure that Josh hated every second of it.

“Ah, the man of the hour!” Josh greeted him the second he stepped foot inside. “You kept the headpiece! I must say, you look absolutely stunning, Sammy, like a beautiful metal rod.”

“Not as great as you, Glinda,” Sammy tried his best to poke fun at Josh’s massive sleeves. He despised that Josh didn’t look as ridiculous as he should have in such an odd costume. Sure, it didn’t compare to what Sam was wearing, but he wanted to feel some level of comfort that he wouldn’t stand out on screen as the easiest target to become a meme. Josh gave him a smirk and shook his head with a laugh.

“Glinda? Nice one. I guess I do kinda look like her, huh?”

Danny and Jake made their way onto the set, Jake with his sash back on, and approached Sam and Josh. Danny was wearing a complex chain link headpiece that looked straight out of a Knight fashion catalog and Jake had added another metallic looking scarf around his head.

“It’s out of solidarity,” he explained to Sam with a small smile on his lips. “It’s not really fair if you can’t take yours off, at least right now.”

Josh at first looked frustrated with his band members but his frown changed to a laugh as he studied Danny and Jake longer.

“Those were my canned test runs for Sammy’s wardrobe,” he explained.

“That’s what we figured,” Jake said. “We found them in the dumpster on our way over.”

Sam gave a sniff around Danny and let out a gag.

“I think we look good,” Danny said over Sam’s dry heaving. “I’m getting some serious Medieval vibes.”

“I look like I should be reading people's fortunes,” Jake commented. Then, he turned to Josh. “You look like you could be the leader of a cult.”

“Good,” Josh nodded his head. “That’s what I was going for.”

Jake rolled his eyes with a chuckle and headed off to grab his acoustic guitar. Josh mumbled something about gluing back on one of the rhinestones that had fallen from beneath his eyes and wandered back towards the trailers. Sam, while breathing out of his mouth so he couldn’t smell the dumpster headpiece, leaned into Danny’s side and gave his back a pat.

“Thanks for the solidarity.”

“It’s the least I can do after letting Jake tug at your head like that.”

“That’s right, I was gonna ask a PA for some ibuprofen.”

“But hey, seriously, you don’t look that bad. I’ve seen a lot worse in music videos.”

“Oh yeah?” Sam grinned at Danny. “Like what?”

As Danny fumbled for an answer since he frankly wasn’t prepared to be asked that on the spot, Sam let out his first laugh of the day, gave Danny one more hearty pat, and then went to get some painkillers for his raging headache Jake had caused.

After that mission had been accomplished, Sam retreated back to his organ and tugged on a black suit jacket that was left strewn on his seat. His gut told him it was a truce from Josh, signaling that he no longer had to look like the tin man on camera. As touched as he was by his older brother’s gesture, he was even happier when the director announced that their first shot would be brief before a costume change. So sure, there would be some photographic evidence of his headpiece, but it would be minimal. He could live with that.

“I bartered with Matt to take a solid break after he gets a few shots in so you can actually get that thing off your head,” Jake told Sam as he stepped onto the sound stage. “It looks unbelievably uncomfortable.”

“You’re not wrong there,” Sam nodded back at Jake. “I can’t wait to get this off.”

“I’ll bet. Matt mostly agreed because he told me I need to take a shower,” Jake said.

“I might need some help taking this thing off too,” Danny said as he approached his drums. “I’m a little bit worried that it hasn’t slipped off my head yet.”

“Maybe we’ll be rocking some monk haircuts soon,” Sam chirped.

“Ooh, that could be our new look,” Danny sounded excited. “We’ll really embrace the middle-aged rocker aesthetic. That way people will stop criticizing us for trying too hard to be like the older guys. With bald spots, they’ll just assume we are the old guys.”

“It’s absolutely fool-proof,” Sam agreed.

“If that’s the direction we’re going in, I’m starting my solo career early,” Jake said.

“We should do butt rock,” Danny said over Jake.

“Yes, absolutely yes,” Sam clapped. “Nothing but Staind and Nickelback covers.”

“Do you think Josh can do the butt rock voice?”

“I think he has it in him.”

“You two are unbelievable,” Jake shook his head. Sam and Danny finally snapped out of their daydreaming and laughed at Jake’s disbelief.

“Go off on your solo career and watch as Greta Van Fleet’s butt rock era absolutely obliterates you in the charts,” Sam chirped.

“What’s that about a solo career?” Josh joined the group. “Who’s dipping?”

“No one, just theoretically Jake would leave the group if we started doing butt rock.”

“What the hell is butt rock?”

“Cameras are ready to roll!” Matt, their director, announced from behind the wall of equipment facing the sound stage.

“You will explain butt rock to me later,” Josh pointed between Jake, Sam, and Danny before turning on his heel to find his spot in the front of the stage. Sam adjusted his headpiece one more time before realizing it was a wasted effort, and turned back to face his keys.

“Just a few takes,” he whispered to himself.

It really wasn’t that bad. A large camera pushed on a dolly circled them a few times as they played along to their pre-recorded track. Sam tried to avoid looking into the lense and instead focused on engulfing himself in the music and trying not to laugh at Josh’s attempts to embody Freddie Mercury. They ran through the song three times and then the blinding lights dimmed and Matt called for their much-anticipated break. Sam tapped on a set PA’s shoulder and mumbled his problem to her, which she quickly met with a promise that she would find someone to give him a hand.

So, soon Sam found someone from the hair and makeup department knocking on his trailer door, armed with a brush and pair of scissors.

“The scissors are a last resort,” she was quick to explain after seeing Sam’s concerned stare. “We shouldn’t need them.”

Danny, Jake, and Josh were all inside the trailer with Sam, mostly for emotional support, but also because it was the most interesting thing happening on set. They cleared some space for the hair lady, Deborah, to work her magic, and watched in fascination as she went to work on Sam’s head.

“Oh wow,” she ticked as she reached the crown of his head. “This is a mean knot.”

She fumbled around with the sequins inside the fabric for a bit, freeing a few strands of Sam’s chocolate hair so it fell in front of his eyes. He brushed them away and continued to stare down at his bare feet as Deborah continued on. She was eventually able to release more hair after a solid period of hacking at it with a comb, so the fabric was hanging by one last clump. Sam breathed out a sigh of relief that his bandmates echoed. Watching Deborah work on his hair made them all realize how much of an asset his locks were to the band; they needed to get it insured or they’d be screwed.

Deborah started to sift through the last chunk of hair stuck in the fabric and was evidently struggling as her motions with the comb got more aggressive and panicked. Sam’s eyes were closed again as he took the force but finally he held up a hand to stop Deborah.

“What’s going on up there?”

“I’ve almost got it all out, you’ve just got one clump that’s like a bird’s nest.”

“Cut it,” Sam replied.

“What?” the entire trailer asked.

“Cut it,” Sam repeated himself with a shrug. “If it’s nearly off I don’t want to deal with it anymore. Hair grows back, it shouldn’t be that noticeable.”

“Are you sure?” Deborah asked, wearily eyeing the scissors she had brought on a whim. “Your hair’s gonna be a little bit choppy on top.”

“I don’t care,” Sam lied.

“Can I cut it?” Jake asked from the couch.

“No,” Sam and Deborah both told him.

“Bummer,” Jake mumbled.

“Go for it before I change my mind,” Sam told Deborah, handing her the scissors.

“I can’t watch,” Danny groaned out, whipping his head away from Sam so fast a part of his chain link headpiece slapped Josh in the face, which he rubbed in pain.

Deborah was nervous to butcher the young bassist’s hair because she knew how big of a deal it was from all of the reference photos she had been given of the band prior to shooting. She knew he had told her to do it, but she was still terrified that she would get sacked if anyone found out what she did. As she pondered this, she stood frozen in place, her scissors dangling from her fingertips. Sam looked back to see that the hairdresser was apparently buffering over his request and let out a sigh, snatching the scissors from her. Before anyone could do anything to stop him, Sam positioned himself in front of the trailer’s mirror, located the last knot and, in two hurried snips, fully freed his head.

A couple of bang-length hairs fell in front of his eyes, which he blew out of the way in triumph, chucking the headpiece straight out the window with a call of glee.

“Finally,” he sighed. Deborah looked terrified as he returned to her and handed back the scissors.

“You cut that a lot shorter than I was going to,” she said.

“You weren’t gonna cut it, I could see how freaked out you were,” Sam corrected her.

“At least let me clean it up a bit in my trailer,” she asked.

Sam was more than willing to agree. Before Deborah led him away, Danny stood from his place on the couch and happily gave Sam’s fully exposed, bald-patch-free head a ruffle. Jake and Josh stood to join them and studied Sam closely, trying to gauge if he was mad or not. In all fairness, Sam wasn’t thrilled about his current hair, but it was infinitely better than the fabric situation, so he was going to run with the positive emotions.

“I got bangs,” was the best thing he could think to say to his stunned bandmates.

“You’re gonna have to learn how to style them,” Jake commented. He spoke from experience, after the mistake he had drunkenly made back in 2018 to give himself choppy side bangs that only ever got in the way.

“That’s what I’m here for,” Deborah said, leading Sam out from the trailer.

Deborah was good at her job, and she made the right call when she opted to slick Sam’s shortened hair back with a generous amount of gel. With it back, you couldn’t even tell how uneven things looked. Sam was more than happy with her work, and was beyond thrilled when he returned to his trailer and saw that his costume change consisted of a comfier looking white suit and stunning face mask made of diamonds. He knew for a fact that he was going to pull off his next outfit so well, he would be giving people gender envy for decades to come.

“Do you like it?” Josh asked from the doorway, watching Sam smile at the clothes.

“Are you kidding?” Sam turned to his brother. “It’s great.”

“Good,” Josh looked relieved. “I didn’t realize that stupid headpiece had sequins on the inside. I did want to take the piss out of you, but that went too far.”

“I gotta agree with you there,” Sam said.

“I thought this combination would make you look like you belong in Vogue.”

“Vogue will definitely want me after they see me in this.”

This made Josh flash his signature pearly whites and slap the doorframe of the trailer.

“Great, that’s great. Well, I’ll see you back out on set soon.”

“See ya,” Sam waved before returning to his new clothes.

“Oh, one more thing,” Josh said, turning back around. Sam raised an eyebrow at him.

“Apparently Danny’s chain link headpiece got caught in his hair too. Deborah’s helping him out now.”

Sam craned his neck and could swear he heard Danny calling out in pain in the trailer over. As he listened closer, he thought he heard Deborah telling him she was almost done, and that she would never work on a set again that involved pointless headpieces. As eager as Sam was to change, he made his way to Danny’s trailer and, sure enough, Deborah was hunched over the top of his head, thrusting the same comb into Danny’s curly locks. Danny had his teeth clenched and was white knuckling his chair but, when he saw Sam, he forced out a smile.

“I guess I couldn’t let you be the only one to experience this today,” he said before letting out another shout as Deborah freed some more hair in a triumphant swipe of the comb.

“How bad is it?” Sam asked, stepping closer to Danny.

“Bad,” Deborah grumbled.

“It’s not that bad,” Danny tried to protest before screaming out in pain as Deborah combed out another clump of hair from the chains.

“Nearly there,” she said under her breath.

“Can I just shake my head?” Danny asked. “It should fall off, right?”

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you,” Deborah gave Danny a testing glance. Danny didn’t seem to hear her because he started to violently head bang, as if he was listening to a Staind song. Deborah at first called out in shock at Danny’s sudden actions, and Sam winced, but within a matter of seconds, the headpiece had flung off Danny’s head, straight out the window of his trailer. Outside a set PA screeched in pain.

“Not one hair cut,” Danny grinned. “Sorry, Sam.”

“It’s all good,” Sam shook his head with a smile.

“Oh god,” Deborah groaned behind them. They turned to face her and saw that she was holding another jeweled headpiece that, while it looked less complicated than the chain link one, still seemed like trouble. “You’re supposed to wear this next.”

“Aw man,” Danny frowned. “Why did they think that would be a good idea?”

“I’m putting so much hair spray in your hair, it’s gonna feel like uncooked spaghetti,” Deborah decided after weighing her options.

“Go for it,” Danny agreed, following her out to the hair and makeup trailer.

Sam watched him go, relieved that Danny hadn’t gone through the full extent of the pains he had endured over the course of the day. He hurried back to his trailer and threw on his suit, which was something he would absolutely wear during one of their shows. Carefully he set the mask on top of his head, making sure none of his gelled down hair got in the way, and centered himself in front of the mirror.

“Much, much better,” he smiled at his reflection.

“Lookin good!” Jake said through the window. Sam peered outside and saw that Jake was still in his tights and sash, but he was now wearing a large white hat.

“You’re not changing?” Sam asked out the window.

“I can’t get the tights off,” Jake called back.

“Seriously?”

“Nah, I’m kidding. They’re so comfy, I bartered with the costume department to let me keep them on. They said that it made their job a lot easier.”

“This is gonna be one weird music video.”

“I think our Age of Machine one was weirder, honestly.”

“Oh yeah, I’m still haunted by those shots of Josh riding the motorcycle.”

“Hey, no matter how stupid you look in this music video, nothing will beat Josh on the motorcycle.”

[regularponyfan]

Thoughts on The Bad Guys: A Very Bad Holiday Part 1

I finally got around to watching this for the first time on Christmas Day, and since then have rewatched it twice. It’s long overdue, but after my third viewing, here are my extensive thoughts on my favorite criminal gang’s newest misadventure:

(Also, stick around til the end where I go through my predictions for the special and see how many things I got right.)

Wait…hold the phone… “A Netflix SERIES”? Holy crap, did they just confirm a “Bad Guys Animated Series” for Netflix?! 🤩🤩🤩

Ok, I know this is just the opening credits and I shouldn’t take it too seriously, but how is Webs able to support the other guys’ weights without collapsing?

Also, she’s a tarantula. She shouldn’t be able to create string (Normally this wouldn’t bother me, except she explicitly states tarantulas can’t make webs in a deleted scene for the movie. Kinda makes her nickname ironic, huh?)

OMG GUYS, I think this is going to become its own series! They even put the title and credits at the bottom of the first scene as if it’s just a regular episode!

Ok, let’s go ahead and get the obvious out of the way: the animation is godawful. I understand they’re on a budget, but c’mon, was it that hard to give us some inbetweens here and there? And don’t get me started on those uncanny facial expressions. (I’ll give more specific examples on how terrible this thing is animated later on.)

The special starts with Wolf directly telling the audience that the story takes place before the Bad Guys turned good…like, he actually looks at the camera and tells us this while he’s driving in the first scene…I know one of Wolf’s abilities is breaking the fourth wall, but as far as I can tell, he can’t predict the future. Why didn’t they just do a voiceover?

Speaking of voices, I’m probably the only one who doesn’t have a problem with the new voice actors (the only one I don’t like is Tarantula’s. IDK, she just sounds off to me. Also, my reaction when I learned Snake’s voice actor played Mickey Mouse: 🤯)

They really should’ve put Shark in the seat behind Wolf instead of Piranha. The little dude is barely visible. XD

Speaking of which, what happened to their car? It looks nothing like the one they use in the movie. Do they have multiple cars or something? I mean, I guess that shouldn’t surprise me because of everything else they “own.”

And while we’re on the topic of “things looking different,” why is Wolf the only one who didn’t receive a new holiday getup?

The Bad Guys (or Webs specifically) now use the term “normies” to describe the citizens of L.A. Ok then…

Of course Piranha likes stinky cheeses 😂. My question is, why’d he try to lie about it? And more importantly, why did he not fart when he did? (They actually bring this up in the special’s novelization.)

It’s a shame we don’t get to see Diane or the chief, but at least my girl Tiffany is back 😁! Now please don’t ever have her do that ridiculous arm-waving motion again. (BTW, Lyoko Comic Dubs, if you’re reading this and need me to do more lines, hit me up 😉).

“IT’S THE BAD GUYS!!!” Um…yeah, lady. They’ve been driving around the city this whole time and weren’t trying to hide it. How are you the first one to notice them?

This special marks the first time movie-verse Snake addresses Wolf as “Wolfie.” It probably shouldn’t be a big deal to me since Webs calls him that all the time, buuuuuuut…🥰🥰🥰🥰

“That’s very not good.” Who said that? It couldn’t have been Wolf ‘cause his lips weren’t moving! 😂

Speaking of animation errors, Snake manages to teleport from the passenger seat to the back in just one shot.

“This isn’t that famous balloon everybody’s freakishly emotionally attached to, is it?” “No, no, no. This is a different giant Santa-shaped balloon.” …I adore this cynical reptile so much. 🥰

And now the Santa balloon is on fire…sure, why not?

Wow, Santa burning up is so tragic, we can even hear Lola Loud crying all the way from Michigan!

And now we get the special’s official title screen. So…what was the point of dropping its name in the beginning then?

What do you know? It turns out that wasn’t Lola Loud crying, but the same woman who warned the citizens about the Bad Guys…even though she never sounded like that before. Gal does great impressions, I gotta say!

“He was like a father to me.” What is it with “The Bad Guys” and daddy issues? XD

They canceled Christmas…because of a balloon…can’t they just…I don’t know, buy another one?

Furthermore, why do the Bad Guys feel the need to cancel their heist because of some guards? They seemed perfectly capable of bypassing security at the Golden Dolphin award ceremony. Was it against their moral standards at this point? Did they just randomly decide one day: “Eh, you know what? We’re criminals, we can do whatever we want to guards. Screw our morality.”

Piranha goes from fake sleeping on a pillow…to Shark’s arm. Animation error aside, that’s actually kind of adorable.

Good lord, that “jumping animation.” 😩 What is this, the Looney Tunes?

It’s sad that the Bad Guys’ attempt at recreating the Santa balloon is more pleasant to look at than some of the close-up shots in this special (We’ll get to those soon, trust me.)

They made a Die Hard reference…in a children’s cartoon…That. Is. Awesome! 🤩

“That guy’s a legend! He parties with ghosts and wears a dress to bed!” Methinks Piranha may be suppressing some hidden desires. 😆

In all seriousness, I would love to see the Bad Guys’ rendition of “A Christmas Carol.” But, sorry Shark ol’ buddy; as great of an actor you are, no one fits the role of Scrooge better than a certain grouchy serpent. 😊

“That sounds a lot like Robin Hood, who is notoriously good.” Spoken like a true Sir Hiss, Snakey my boy 👍. (You know what, screw the last point. I wanna see the “Bad Guys” version of Robin Hood now.)

“He ruined tights for me.” Oh, is that the reason Webs doesn’t wear pants? 😆

Maybe I’m just out of touch with reality, but why does the stereo have two slots for MP3s?

The Bad Guys explicitly state they find most Christmas things to be awful…yet Webs has a holiday playlist? 🤔

“Piranha will help Webs get to the antenna.” Why? Can’t she crawl her way up? Why does Piranha need to be there? Did they just need to give him something to do? Because if that’s the case, can’t he help Wolf and Snake deliver presents? Unless…Wolf wants some one-on-one time with his “best bud.” 🥰🥰🤫🤫

“Buddy, I don’t work with sidekicks.” Scrooge? A sidekick? This lady’s obviously never read the book. Or watched DuckTales.

Did anyone else see Snake’s face before he delivered the first present? It’s almost as if he was saying: “Only for you, Wolfie. Only for you.” 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰

“What? You’ve never seen an ab before?” Why Snake, are you showing off for Wolf right now? 😉

It’s honestly adorable that these two know each other so well, they automatically guess when the other is hiding something.

Wait a minute…I’m confused. Normally, Shark’s paper-thin disguises always work no matter how minimal they are. But the second he loses just one piece of the disguise, it doesn’t work anymore? What? (In case you’re wondering, his hat falls off and even though he still has the mutton chops, he’s nearly recognized. Then later on, all he has on is a mustache and that’s enough to fool the shaved ice vendor. Again, what? 🤨)

Yes, Shark. Go ahead and keep talking into your earpiece OUT LOUD while the radio lady is beating you up. That won’t make her suspicious at all. *sigh*

I love Webs’ face after Piranha’s song.

Shark and Piranha refer to each other as “fin bros.” Not gonna lie, that’s really cute 😊.

Good thinking, Wolf. Making it snow when 3/5 of your team is cold-blooded. I can’t see this ending badly at all. 🙄

Ok, as stupid as it is, I love the interaction between Shark and the shaved ice vendor. It’s probably the funniest part of the whole thing.

Of course Wolf doesn’t listen to Webs and turns the machine up to 11 (oops, I mean 10). Again, does he not realize how fatal this could be for the others?

[the-enzyme]

Here’s the rest of the photos I took of my Leon, borrowing my repainted Ken Looks body. I am still planning on making his 5.11 tactical shirt, so I haven’t placed any tops on what I feel will be his “default” body, so I borrowed this body to take these photos. After my last touchup on this head sculpt, I sealed the work and accidentally damaged the paint apps around his upper eyelids. Luckily, I was able to salvage it. So I wanted to take photos of the completed work, once sealed before I accidentally damage it again... >__>;; 

I am going to be repainting him again for sure, eventually, because I know I suck at painting miniature 3D faces. However, I don’t want to do that before I am ready. I don’t feel I am ready right now. I just discovered that I love this head sculpt, something I wanted to feel when I originally purchased it but wasn’t able to honestly have that emotion towards it. There are things that could have been done differently, as well as he could have been made a lot smaller of a head. However, now I am at a point where I can see the Leon I always wanted, despite anything else that could have gone wrong. I just need to get better at painting tiny faces -- which is something that’s probably going to take me a lifetime to achieve (as an old-fart, I don’t know if I’ll ever get there, but I will try!). DX

I am super happy with him now, knowing this is not the best he could look, due to my lack of painting skill at this scale. I have been a traditionally trained artists my whole life this far, but my shaky hands and other issues, never prepared me for tiny work. Lol! I am happy to try as many times as I am able to however, so I am looking forward to improving (hopefully!), even if I have to take baby steps right now. Next, I’ll try to actually purchase hair to make his new partial wig, and hopefully find some suitable fabric to make his tactical 5.11 shirt, which cannot be made out of neoprene because he wouldn’t be able to move his arms at all. The thinnest I’ve found the material at is 1mm, Wich is sadly too thick for this scale of a figure.

I love how this head is looking so much, I took some extra extreme close ups, despite this camera adding a ton of harsh pixelation, making the texture appear a lot more severe than it is IRL, but I think I am learning how to use this “newer” cell phone’s camara, very slowly. The only actual camera I own is no longer able to take any photos at all, and I am a bit scared of getting a new one, because I fear it will be exactly as this cell phone’s one, adding a ton of pixelation where it doesn’t need to due to the higher definition aspect of it. Sadly, my older cell phone’s camera is also apparently on its last legs, so it only takes semi-decent photos whenever it feels like it now but doesn’t add the million unwanted pixelation like this one does. Of course, I suck at taking photos, more than anything else, so it’s not the cameras fault, but my own lack of skill whatsoever, at taking photos. T__T;;;

[merulast]

Tech talk

Tomorrow is kickoff. How do I feel? Kinda. Okay? I fetch a flu on the last days and my credo "do this or die on the road" starts to kick in. But on the other hand we always get a flu when we don't need it, eh? And when had we ever needed one? Anyway.

So far I wrote quite some Blog posts about how to find routes and plan stupid stuff. Stupid, because many things will not work once you start the trip anyway. But planing is still a good thing (isn't it?) because at least you learn about the possible options. And knowing the options is always a good thing!

But lets talk about something else: The Tech!!!!11!elf

It's so tech!!

I want to travel some 'roads' that are not very common for mid Europeans to hit. And what do you do if you want to know more but have no friends that ever leaves the home town? You reach out for social media and videos. And you probably had already noticed that I'm not quite a fan of vtubers and traveling youtubers. I would love to rant a bit more about them. But not now.

I still enjoyed to see the scenery. To see the locations. See the bus or the trains and having the opportunity to create my own, silly incomplete picture of what it is like. And so I decided that I also want to capture media! At least this time. Because last time, I did not even shot an single picture of anything in more then 1 year of living in Xi'an.

What to do with this media. Well. I don't really know! Will I just place them online? Maybe? Make youtube Videos that violate alot of copyrights? Maybe! Make fun on other popular vtuber content that made me cringe? Hell yeah! We will see!

(obviously I will most likely do nothing of all that!)

(Noel Philips - full time 'being not at home to review toilets' v-tuber)

Timelapse

The main brain fart that made me plan this trip was to see and feel the 'world' in between two places. And I noticed that some bored highway guys made timelapse videos of driving from a to b.

And while timelapse videos can have this 2007-warcraft-rouge-in-bw-with-linking-park-music feeling, they also can be interesting. Plus they ripe like wine. They are usually just showing the raw thing. No filters, no effects. No 'selection' of what to see. And I kinda like this. Nobody might be interested into a timelapse now. But it might be interesting later.

Anyway. So I decided to try that. And noticed, that there are not really affordable 'timelapse' Devices on the marked o.o?

Mobile Phones can do the trick. If you use some nice apps, they even could do it well. But for how long? What do you think how long will your power last? Mobile phones are small computers. They are not meant to record something for 4,8,24,48 hours non stop. And im pretty sure that most of the apps had not been written for this kind of 'professional usage', too.

Cameras are bigger devices. The can have a lot more capacity on board and the image quality should be nice. Okay. Do you want to spend more then 500 bucks on them? I .. dont know. Isn't it overkill? Another thing is that this cameras are huge. How to place them in public transport and let them run for 24h without getting robbed?

Build something! Yeah. Sure.

I got my hands on a cheap gopro7. When it comes to timelapse feature, there is absolute nothing positive to get something more modern. It shoots in 1080p and, to my big surprise, the build in power supply was able to last 12 hours straight without external supply. It is smal and I can easily tape it where-ever I want. With one picture taken all 5 seconds there is no shaking visible, even if I tape it straight to the casis of a bus, the picture remains very smooth.

360° Pictures

Why isn't this a thing? You shoot a picture and people can look around the whole place! ITS AMAZING! Fuck selfie with Ninni-Graniny in front of a Town sign. See the whole place! You can even upload them on google 'streetmap'!

See that tiny blue bubbles? Klick on them to see what this part of 'desert' looks like.

✅ Thats amazin! How could you not love this to look around all by yourself?!

❌ Serious cameras that make 360° pictures our of the box start at much moneyz

✅ But every modern smart phone can do that out of the boy if you take multiple pictures!

🆗 And It may looks not very professional for many reasons. You should watch an tutorial for better results

(who told you emojis would look nice on this? Grandmother whatsapp?)

Conclusion

So yeah. I will try both. Making some 360° pictures of locations that have none available, and also record the time lapse. We will see how it turns out!

[yemilnisu]

INCORRECT HAIKYUU QUOTES FROM BUZZFEED UNSOLVED

nisu entries:

i got this idea from @memekingofwwiii and some of it are theirs 🙇🏻‍♀️ thank you for letting me add it here 😊 it’s a mixture from buzzfeed unsolved supernatural and true crime 👀 i really had fun doing this!

warning: swearing, mentions of death/murder/killing/blood/weed

「part 2」

Tendou: i did have a neighbor who had an overhang of a lime tree, and it was great because i could go pick a little lime.

Ushijima: did you ever think about killing your neighbor?

Tendou: when he didn't give me limes, yeah.

Ushijima: oh, okay; all right.

«────── « ⋅ʚ♡ɞ⋅ » ──────»

Matsukawa: this is my bridge now, if you want it back you’re gonna have to kill me.

Oikawa: he did throw someone off the bridge once.

Matsukawa: fuck you, goatman!

Oikawa: Jesus Christ.

Kunimi: *behind the camera snickering as mattsun taunts the goatman much to oikawa’s dismay*

«────── « ⋅ʚ♡ɞ⋅ » ──────»

Matsukawa: hey demons, it’s me, ya boi.

Matsukawa: if you want to eat my heart, turn that light on. If you want to eat oikawa’s heart, turn that light on...

Oikawa: don’t drag me into your shit, mattsun.

*torch turns on*

Oikawa: *screams*

Matsukawa: *laughs hysterically as he continues to lie on the pentagram*

Kunimi: *actual wheezing*

Matsukawa: i think this demon’s a wimp.

Oikawa: he’s out of his fucking mind.

Kunimi: *having the time of his life*

«────── « ⋅ʚ♡ɞ⋅ » ──────»

Oikawa: every human's capable of murder if you push them enough. i just don't know if this is enough of a push.

Iwaizumi: okay.

Oikawa: it's true!

Iwaizumi: is that so?

Oikawa: yeah.

Oikawa: i bet you you would murder me if I pushed you enough.

Iwaizumi: yeah, probably.

«────── « ⋅ʚ♡ɞ⋅ » ──────»

Tsukishima: …

Tsukishima: so, you're telling me, at nine years old, you don’t go to church. the first time you cross the threshold into holy ground,

Nishinoya: *makes noise and imitates blood coming out of his nose*

Tsukishima: blood expels from your nostrils?

Nishinoya: yeah, yeah. they ran outta tissues! mopping that up.

Tsukishima: …

Nishinoya: it was wild!

Tsukishima: it sounds wild.

«────── « ⋅ʚ♡ɞ⋅ » ──────»

Kuroo: i think it was the neighbor. look, i’m a simple man. i see a trail of blood going to someone's house. even if they didn't do it, come on; you're going to jail.

Kenma: i think it might've been a random person.

Kuroo: all right.

Kenma: it just seems too obvious.

Kuroo: okay.

Kenma: there's a paper trail of their feud. why the hell would he be that dumb?

Kuroo: rage, you know? lust, rage. rage just- just building up, bursting out.

Kenma: well, i've never really gotten that angry. i don't really have that capacity.

Kuroo: it's building. it's building inside you. everyone sees it; we all see it.

Kenma: that's great. oh man, i can't wait for krakatoa then.

Kuroo: *shuddering* oh- oh- i shudder.

Kenma: hope no one's in the way 😺

Kuroo: …

Kuroo: scary.

«────── « ⋅ʚ♡ɞ⋅ » ──────»

Daichi: he allegedly chased his mother with an axe when he was 19.

Asahi: not great.

Daichi: (wheeze) no? not off- off to a bad start?

Asahi: no good. i’ve never done that. you didn’t do that did you?

Daichi: no! i didn't- what- is there anything to suggest that I would chase my mom with an axe?

Asahi: (inhales) not outright i feel like if you peel the layers back.

Daichi: you think if you peel the layers back from this onion, you'll see something you don’t want to see?

Asahi: yeah. i think you wear a mask sometimes 😅

Daichi: mm-hmm i think you should keep digging and maybe see what happens 🙂

Asahi: uh no i'm good 🧍🏻‍♂️

Daichi: *staring at asahi*

Asahi: 👁👄👁💧

«────── « ⋅ʚ♡ɞ⋅ » ──────»

Osamu: my takeaway is people from chicago are weird.

Atsumu: the- this does not represent chicago. this is people and go "ey! chicago tylenol murders"

Osamu: (laugh) home with the beam, the cubs and the chicago tylenol murders and of course our nation's greatest tragedy, miya atsumu.

Atsumu: that- that's not me.

Osamu: i read it somewhere 🤷🏻

Atsumu: no, you didn’t, you probably wrote it.

Osamu: yeah.

«────── « ⋅ʚ♡ɞ⋅ » ──────»

Suna: i’d love to be an heiress.

Kita: (snickers)

Suna: i know she’s probably gonna disappear or something.

Kita: so you wanna be a trust fund baby?

Suna: i’d like someone to give me a lot of money for doing nothing. but i want-

Kita: and then you wanna disappear?

Suna: yes. i want to get a lot of money and then vanish from the face of the earth.

«────── « ⋅ʚ♡ɞ⋅ » ──────»

Ennoshita: her family believed that when she left at 11:30 am, she had as much as $30 in her purse, which in today’s dollars would be more than $750.

Nishinoya: holy moly!

Tanaka: that’s a lot of quiche—

Nishinoya: yeah.

Tanaka: that’s a lot of quiche.

Nishinoya: thirty bucks going that far in 1910.

Tanaka: i don’t even have $750 in my bank account.

Nishinoya: i’ve never had $750 in my pocket! i rarely have had $30 in my pocket.

Ennoshita: well i don’t really carry cash anymore-

Nishinoya & Tanaka: who does!?

«────── « ⋅ʚ♡ɞ⋅ » ──────»

Yaku: stop number one, mothman statue.

Lev: it looks very ornate.

Yaku: *shocked that lev knows that word*

Yaku: you’ll be able to stare at it eye to eye.

Lev: what’s that supposed to mean?

Yaku: it means you’re eight feet tall, it’s a tall joke. get it?

Lev: 🧍🏼

Yaku: 🤦🏼‍♂️

«────── « ⋅ʚ♡ɞ⋅ » ──────»

Akaashi: any... any thought in that so far?

Bokuto: (fart sound) nope. what year is it, ‘66?

Akaashi: ‘66.

Bokuto: few teens out there probably smoking a few funny cigarettes.

Akaashi: you could say weed. it’s 2018.

Bokuto: ...some grass.

«────── « ⋅ʚ♡ɞ⋅ » ──────»

Kageyama: so my guess is the couples were somewhere around here, maybe on that road over there.

Hinata: yeah.

Kageyama: and i'm not sure of the exact location but this is where they saw him stumbling around.

Hinata: they just… saw him kinda shambling?

Kageyama: yeah.

Hinata: big shambling man. kinda *shuffling his body*

Kageyama: i- i don’t know, maybe he was just taking a walk, i mean, what's it to you?

Hinata: why would you take a walk if you had wings?

Kageyama: he's a fucking creature, he can do what he wants.

«────── « ⋅ʚ♡ɞ⋅ » ──────»

Kuroo: but all im saying is that what you need to gather from this is that he has an effect on people's psyche.

Lev: this mothman's a complicated character.

Kuroo: what does he sound like? what does he sound like?

Lev: he sound like the blood bird.

Kuroo: …

Lev: flappy spookster.

Kuroo: …

Kuroo: that's- come on.

Kuroo: *glances over to lev's notes*

Lev: the winged wretch. did i already say that?

Kuroo: this just says fright terror.

Kuroo: *throws away the notes*

Lev: you know, just call him batman, why is that hard? 😩

«────── « ⋅ʚ♡ɞ⋅ » ──────»

(howling)

Goshiki: what the fuck.

Shirabu: well those are coyotes… or dogs. Or a large pack of something.

Goshiki: holy shit.

Shirabu: just some coyotes.

Goshiki: are you not fucking alarmed right now?

Shirabu: are you scared? (laugh)

Goshiki: dude wait- this goes beyond belief, that was a pack of, whatever the fuck that was.

Shirabu: it was coyotes!

Goshiki: is that our cue to leave? i think maybe. we've been out here for quite a bit.

Shirabu: yeah, i don’t know if were gonna find anything tonight.

Goshiki: i don’t wanna be in the mouth of some coyote later, that's not how i want the picture wrap on old tsutomu to be.

«────── « ⋅ʚ♡ɞ⋅ » ──────»

Atsumu: air force one? they filmed air force one here?

Atsumu: air force one actually, now that i think of it, remember the reason they hijacked the plane is to release for the-

Sakusa: i’m gonna go ahead and cut you off right there 'cause i don’t give a shit.

Sakusa: we’re gonna move over here.

Atsumu: …okay.

«────── « ⋅ʚ♡ɞ⋅ » ──────»

Kai: four people in a cell, that's a lot

Kuroo: i mean, you put any normal people in a room that's too small. like if you’re in a dorm in college, if you hate your roommate…

Kai: it's tough business

Kuroo: listening to music too loud when i'm trying to study

Kai: hwfrrrrr…

Kuroo: cookin' uhh… top ramen in the microwave when i'm trying to sleep

Kai: you got some axes to grind?

Kuroo: no.

Kai: oh

Kuroo: fuck you, daishou.

Kai: daishou?

«────── « ⋅ʚ♡ɞ⋅ » ──────»

(distant thud)

Yamamoto: what the fuck?

Kenma: :3

Yamamoto: is all i have to say to that.

Kenma: they didn’t like the thumb talk.

Yamamoto: you didn't like the thumb talk? was it too much thumb talk? i thought we went about two minutes long on the-

(distant thud)

Kenma: they don’t like the thumb talk.

Yamamoto: *looking around in shock*

Kenma: *stopping himself from laughing*

Yamamoto: uhhhh… holy fuck. holy fuck, holy fuck. if you’re one of the people that had that thumb thing to happen to you, that sucks. what was it like?

Kenma: what do you think you're gonna get right now? 😑

Yamamoto: i feel like we should go see what that is, to be honest.

Kenma: *shakes his head*

«────── « ⋅ʚ♡ɞ⋅ » ──────»

Tsukishima: we’re walking over to the source of the disturbance.

Hinata: hello? (sigh) i’m gonna lose my mind. so, it did that twice within the span of 10 seconds but nothing else?

Tsukishima: but, we can confirm that it did sound like this right? *slams the cabinet door*

Hinata: yeah.

Tsukishima: that was the sound.

Hinata: do you think the wind’s gonna do that twice?

Tsukishima: *blows on the cabinet door*

Tsukishima: not moving ��

Hinata: well, shit.

«────── « ⋅ʚ♡ɞ⋅ » ──────»

Sugawara: oh there it is. it’s that. *pointing to where the sound was coming from*

Asahi: what?

Sugawara: there’s a logical explanation for you.

Asahi: ah! okay, there it is. well, there you go, there you go.

Sugawara: but, if we hadn’t seen that...

Asahi: if we hadn’t seen that we would be fooled 😅

Sugawara: no, we wouldn’t have been fooled. you would have been telling me for months.

«────── « ⋅ʚ♡ɞ⋅ » ──────»

*inside the prisoners of ohio state penitentiary*

Kageyama: this is fucking terrible.

Tsukishima: it’s the opportunity of a lifetime to be here.

«────── « ⋅ʚ♡ɞ⋅ » ──────»

Tendou: i’m separating from the group.

Semi: it’s the ideal time to kill him.

Tendou: yeah i mean, if i were gonna die in camera it would be a pretty noble thing.

«────── « ⋅ʚ♡ɞ⋅ » ──────»

Osamu: I don’t understand what’s wrong with atsumu sometimes.

Atsumu: what was that?

Osamu: i didn’t say anything.

Atsumu: you sure you didn’t say anything, ‘samu?

Osamu: now go back and set ‘em off to make sure they work.

«────── « ⋅ʚ♡ɞ⋅ » ──────»

Sakusa: *inhales*

Atsumu: *inhales*

Sakusa: you need to back up from me. i can feel your air intake. it’s like a gross nasal jet, i don’t know.

Atsumu: *takes a step towards sakusa*

Sakusa: uh no *takes a step backwards*

«────── « ⋅ʚ♡ɞ⋅ » ──────»

Futakuchi: latch yourself onto my soul, come back to hollywood with me, and destroy the lives of all my friends and coworkers.

Koganegawa: a little hard to follow, but i like where you’re going.

Futakuchi: kogane’s family has a little-

Koganegawa: ey! ey! do-! do-! don’t!

Futakuchi: -dog named mickey.

Koganegawa:*trying to stop futakuchi*

Futakuchi: real good. you wanted me to give it my all. i’m throwing stuff on the table.

Koganegawa: insults, not personal information. you’re giving him a dossier on my life!

TAG LIST

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[babymetaldoll]

The BAU First online Secret Santa (aka: Rossi vs Zoom)  (Spencer Reid/ Reader)

Summary: Rossi might have said too much when he wasn't muted in the BAU online Secret Santa Celebration. And Reid is too embarrassed to face (Y/N) afterward.

Requested: Yes. My boyfriend asked me to write this, and asked for some specific gifts for some team members. (Based on season 7 of Criminal Minds in COVID quarantine).

Pairing: Spencer Reid/ Reader- feat the whole team 

Warnings: None

Word count: 3K

Masterlist 

.

- “Hello?”- Penelope waved at Rossi, but he didn’t reply. She sighed and stared at the camera on her computer, and nearly started jumping and waving. 

- “Rossi!! Hey!”

- “Penelope??”- Rossi screamed, looking at the screen, unable to find the tab with the Zoom video conference on his navigator. He could hear her but couldn’t see her. 

- “Where are you??”

- “Rossi!! I can’t hear you! you are muted!”- Penelope was already frustrated, and it had been only two minutes. 

Rossi had been struggling using Zoom the whole quarantine. Every online meeting for the last couple of months had been filled with “Rossi, you are muted,” “Rossi, we can see you picking your nose,” “Rossi, you aren’t mute, we can hear you fart.” It had been as frustrating as funny for the team. 

- “Hey!”- Prentiss waved at the camera- “Where’s everybody?”

- “We’ve got Rossi trying to find us and unmute his mic”- Emily chuckled and nodded- “And Hotch just logged in… hey!”

- “Hello everybody”- Aaron Hotchner waved, and his son Jack appeared in the back of the room, waving too. 

- “Did you clean your room?”- he asked his son

- “Yes…”- it was clear Jack was lying

- “So if I go upstairs right now, your room is going to be clean, your bed made, and your toys in their place?- Jack stayed still and just smiled. Slowly, he turned around and ran back to his room. 

- “Hey, how did you change your background?”- Emily asked Garcia, who started explaining how to do it. 

- “Henry! what is it?”- JJ logged into the conversation, but her attention was really on her son, who kept crying somewhere near her. 

- “Hello? Hey? can you hear me?”

- “Hey Spence!!”- Prentiss and Garcia said at the same time and chuckled. 

- “Hello! How’s everybody!”- he smiled and stared at his screen. 

For someone who hated technology, he was pretty comfortable meeting the team online. Maybe because his germaphobic self was glad they didn’t have to go to the BAU if there was a pandemic going on.   

Germs were worse than technology, which was good to know when it came to his phobias. 

- “Baby girl, what are you doing?”- Derek’s voice interrupted Garcia’s class of “How to change backgrounds one on one.” Emily enjoyed her time switching pictures on his background, laughing, while JJ tried to convince Henry to eat his banana. Hotch was reading a case file, not paying attention to anything going on around him. Rossi was lost and muted still, trying to find the right tab in his browser, and Spencer was reading a book, sipping a cup of coffee.  

- “Hey!!”- (Y/N) waved at the screen and stared at the scene. Everyone in the BAU was on their little bubble.  

- “Hello, hey! How are you?”- Spencer closed the book and waved. (Y/N) blushed and waved back. She just stared at him, and all the memories of their last video call came to mind. 

They had literally spent the night together. They started a video call around seven, then cooked dinner. Spencer actually cooked ‘cos (Y/N) gave him an easy cooking lesson online. Both of them ate spaghetti with homemade bolognese sauce. 

They started talking and talking, drinking tea, and coffee, and cocoa, and more tea. They snuggled on their couches and kept on talking, laughing. Somehow they started reading each other their favorite parts of their favorite books. And somehow, they ended up in their beds, drinking one last cup of tea. They were hugging a pillow, wishing they could actually hug each other, but never saying those words. And so they kept talking until they fell asleep. 

(Y/N) had fallen asleep first. Spencer felt he had bored her ‘till she passed out, but the truth was, she had made her best effort to stay awake but failed at four in the morning. She loved talking with Spencer. She loved Spencer, all of him, including all the facts and statistics he would ramble on for hours. 

If only she knew he felt the same. He could hear her ramble about books and albums she loved. He didn’t know half the bands she talked about but always googled them after their conversations to understand her a little bit better. And to add facts to their next talk. 

.

- “Rossi! Rossi! unmute your mic”- Aaron repeated for the hundredth time during the call, but Rossi still had no idea what he was doing. 

- “Ok, ok, don’t touch anything, I’m hacking into your computer,”- Garcia simply said, already tired of waiting. It wasn’t the first time she had done it during the latest months. I wouldn’t be the last either. 

- “Hello? can you hear me?”

- “Yes, David”- Aaron nodded and almost smiled- “Hello everybody, I trust you are all having a nice day.”

It was their annual Secret Santa, and for the first time, it was online. They had all made sure to mail their presents earlier enough, and everybody had gotten theirs already. It was December 24th, and though it was still just noon, Rossi enjoyed the first whiskey of the day.  

.

- “I sent you all cookies!!”- Penelope clapped and smiled, staring into the camera- “Did you all get it?”

- “Yes!”- they all answered but (Y/N). 

- “No… I didn’t”

- “What?! But I sent them yesterday! the delivery said you had gotten them,”- Penelope explained, but (Y/N) just shook her head. 

- “Sorry Garcia, I just got my Secret Santa present this week, and that’s it”

- “Someone stole your cookies, pretty girl!”- Derek chuckled and took a bit of one of his- “Your lost, ‘cos they are delicious.” 

- “Great… not only I get to spend Christmas alone, now I have to bake my own cookies.”- she groaned and sighed. 

- “What? Alone?”- JJ was in shock- “What about your family? Family get-togethers are allowed this weekend. It just has to be less than ten people in each house.” 

- “They live in Seattle, and I can’t travel ‘cos I don’t wanna expose my grandparents to any risk, so I decided to spend Christmas alone”- (Y/N) cut the team a short smile. They all wide opened their eyes in shock. Christmas alone was never a good plan. 

- “Me and Jack are going to spend it with his grandfather and aunt. We would be glad to have you over.”- Hotch immediately said, and (Y/N) smiled.

- “Thank you, but that’s ok, it’s just Christmas…”- that really didn’t sound good. 

- “I’m gonna be alone too,”- Spencer texted her ‘cos he didn’t want to say it in front of the team- “Do you wanna spend Christmas with me? I can save you some cookies”. 

(Y/N) chuckled as she read, and Spencer smiled, staring at her. You don’t usually get to see the reaction of the person you text. And he loved it. 

- “Why are you going to be alone?”- she wrote back

- “Same as you, I don’t wanna expose my mom, and she is all the family I’ve got. She’ll spend Christmas with aunt Ethel”. 

- “Hey! (Y/N), are you listening?”- Penelope waved and nearly yelled. 

- “Sorry, what?”- (Y/N) left the phone aside and tried to focus on the team. 

- “JJ was saying you are also welcome to spend it with her mom, Henry, and Will.”

- “Thank you guys, but… I think I’ll be ok.” 

She blushed at those words and made her best not to look at Spencer as she smiled. Which was incredibly useless, ‘cos no one knew where Spencer’s image was on her screen. And at the same time, it was so easy for the team to profile what was going on. That’s why neither of them said another word.

- “Ok, can we start opening presents now?”- Prentiss asked. Her background was now a beach, and she had put on a big hat and sunglasses. Penelope and JJ laughed at her so loud that they didn’t listen when Aaron said they should make a distant toast. 

- “Wait! let me get something to drink!”- (Y/N) stood up quickly and poured herself a cup of tea. 

- “Ok, now I’m ready, sorry”- and when she looked at the screen, Spencer was blushing, and everybody was chuckling. 

- “What did I miss?”

- “Nothing pretty girl”- Derek just smiled- “Let’s do the presents thing… who wants to start?”

- “Henry is pretty restless today, so if you guys don’t mind, I want to start”- JJ waved and showed everybody her present. 

“You have to guess who gave you your present,”- Emily explained and sipped her cup of coffee. 

- “Alright… let’s see… I got this envelope from my Secret Santa and… it’s just what I needed!!”- JJ smiled and nearly jumped on her seat

- “It’s a whole spa day!! Mom needs a day off when this pandemic ends!! thank you, Secret Santa!!” 

- “Who do you think gave you that?”- Penelope asked, and JJ looked at each one of her teammates on the screen.

- I’m gonna go with… Hotch, ‘cos I think he understands exactly what’s like being a parent in quarantine- Aaron chuckled and shook his head. 

- “Sorry, I would have given you that, though, but it wasn’t me.”

- “Then who?”- Rossi raised his hand and smiled

- “I noticed you were a little… stressed last time we talked. I thought maybe when this whole thing ends, you would enjoy a day to treat yourself.”

- “Thank you so much, Rossi. I really appreciate it!!”

 .  

The whole team continued opening their presents and laughed, trying to guess who was their Secret Santa. Hotch got a horrible (and yet adorable) Christmas sweater with a gigantic Rudolph on it and a matching one for Jack. He guessed right away it was from Penelope. 

Hotch bought García a fantastic pair of high heels and confessed he had picked them himself. Aaron Hotchner had a pretty good fashion sense. Who knew? 

Rossi opened his present and laughed, shocked. It was one costly and hard to find Scotch bottle. He thought it was from Emily, but no, it was from (Y/N). 

- “I remembered you said it was your favorite, and I thought maybe you’d like to share it with us next time we have a real get-together in your house.”

- “It’s very nice and naive of you to think I might actually share this present with anyone”- Rossi smiled and waved at the screen- “Thank you, kid.”

Emily got a weekend in Vegas from JJ to make it up for the “Sin to Win” weekend she lost because of a case a few months before. And again, she refused to explain to the team what “Sin to Win” meant. 

Morgan got a life provision of baby oil to rub on his six pack and biceps each time he took his shirt off. It was a joke from Emily, and Rossi nearly had a heart attack laughing at it. Penelope wanted a demonstration, but Derek promised a private show. Prentiss also got him a new kit of tools for home repairs, which always came in handy for him… mostly to fix all the doors he kicked. 

- “And what did you get, Spence?”- JJ asked, now holding Henry in her arms, trying to keep him calm. Reid opened his present and smiled. It wasn’t a happy smile though, it was a “are you fucking kidding me?” smile.   

- “Dating for Dummies”- he said and showed the book- “And I’m pretty sure this is from Morgan.”

- “As soon as this quarantine ends, you and I are going to a club, so you better study that book, ‘cos I’m gonna make you put it on good use.”

Morgan joked, but after all those years, it just wasn’t funny anymore, not for Spencer, at least. 

- “And last but not least, what did you get (Y/N)?”- Penelope’s eyes were shining. She loved Secret Santa. She had forced Hotch to put on his sweater, and he was now feeling like a dork on camera. Garcia, of course, had taken many screen-captures to save that amazing moment. 

- “Well, I’m pretty sure this is from Spencer”- she smiled, ‘cos he was the only one left. He blushed and waved. 

- “I hope you like it”- (Y/N) unwrapped the present carefully and smiled, surprised. 

- “Where did you get this?”- it was an original edition of The Little Prince, in french. It was tough to find. 

- “You said you loved the book ‘cos your mom read it to you when you were a kid, so… I thought you’d like it.”

(Y/N) couldn’t stop going through each page, as a million memories of her childhood came to her mind. Her mother had passed away when she was in high school, and the book meant more to her than anyone could imagine. 

- “Thank you”- she whispered and bit her lip, making her best not to cry. 

- “Jesus Christ! When is he going to tell her he loves her!?”- Rossi nearly yelled. He was in the back of his office, pouring himself a glass of his Secret Santa present. 

The whole team stayed quiet, making their best not to laugh. Spencer wanted to die. He rested his head on the desk and controlled the urge to leave the conversation. 

- “Hey, Rossi… just so you know, you weren’t muted.”- Prentiss managed to say and chuckled. He looked at the screen and stayed quiet. 

- “Ok... I think I’m gonna go now. This Scotch is already getting to my head, so… see you guys!!”- Rossi waved and tried to leave. 

- “Fuck! I hope I didn’t ruin it for the kid. Well, someone had to say it anyway”- he whispered, embarrassed.

- “Rossi, we can still hear you. You didn’t close the conversation, just minimized it”- JJ warned him, and that time, everybody burst out laughing. 

- “Ok, I’m gonna go now…”- Spencer couldn’t even look at (Y/N) anymore. He just waved and closed Zoom. 

- “I’m gonna go too”- (Y/N) whispered- “I hope everybody has a nice holiday!”- she didn’t even wait for anyone to say anything else. She just left the conversation and walked to the kitchen to get herself a glass of water. 

What the hell had just happened? 

.

Spencer had a panic attack. What was he supposed to do now? Confess his feelings? Rossi had already done it for him. Should he call (Y/N) and tell her it was just a joke? Tell her the truth? Invite her over for Christmas, again? 

- “Fuck!!”- he shouted and walked to his kitchen. Some whiskey Morgan left last time he visited was still there, and though Reid wasn’t much of a drinker, he needed one. 

He honestly had no idea what to do. He knew he couldn’t face (Y/N) now. How? he would fluster just to be in the same room with her. Rossi really ruined everything. It seemed it was the end of the world. 

- “I’m gonna have to quit, move from DC, change my name, start my life from scratch…” 

Yes, Spencer was making a drama out of the whole situation. But in his defense, he had never been in that kind of situation before. 

.

It was eight pm when Spencer heard a knock on the door. He had been lying on his couch most of the afternoon, trying to read. Still, his mind kept coming back to (Y/N) and the embarrassment he felt after Rossi’s comment.

- “Hi”- (Y/N) whispered as soon as Reid opened the door, and his heart stopped- “You said I could come for Christmas… so…”- he stood still and just nodded. She was there, wearing a Dr. Who mask, with some snowflakes on her coat.  

- “Can I come in?”

- “Sure! I’m sorry, I just…”- Spencer moved from the door and watched her taking off her shoes, leaving a few paper bags on the table, and smiling at him as soon as she removed her mask. 

- “Can I wash my hands?”

- “Of course, the bathroom is…”- Reid stopped himself. She knew where the bathroom was. That wasn’t the first time she was there.    

While she washed her hand, he made his best to clean a little, folded the blanket on his couch, and piled all the books that were lying around. 

- “So… I hope I’m not interrupting anything…”- (Y/N) started apologizing again, but Spencer just shook his head. 

- “No, not at all, I just wasn’t expecting you to come after… what…”- he couldn’t even mention it.

- “After what Rossi said?”- she turned around and avoided looking at Spencer. She walked to the bags she had brought and started taking things out

 - “Should we worry he was getting drunk so early?”- she simply said, and Reid chuckled

- “I don’t know, maybe… what are you doing?”

- “Well… I’m not into chicken tandoori for Christmas, so I cooked some things.”

- “It smells delicious”- Reid smiled, and so did (Y/N), feeling her cheeks blushing. 

- “It’s mom’s turkey recipe, so it better be good”

- “Let me put that in the fridge”- Reid held the turkey, roasted potatoes, and many other things (Y/N) had cooked and walked to the kitchen. 

- “I also got you this”- (Y/N) giggled and followed Spencer. As soon as he left everything he was carrying, she put a Santa hat with red and white stripes on his head.

- “You look like the cat in the hat”- she joked, and Spencer laughed, feeling like the happiest nerd on earth. 

- “I’m gonna take that as a compliment.”

- “It is…”- (Y/N) stared at him and sighed, both of them smiling in silence for a second. 

- “Did you get one for yourself too?”- he finally asked.

- “Yes! so we can take dorky pictures and send them to Garcia, she is gonna love those”- she made a pause and bit her lips for a second. 

- “So… do you like Christmas traditions?”- she asked and looked down at her shoes 

- “Mmm, sure… like watching Home Alone drinking hot chocolate?- Spencer asked, thinking he hadn’t really lived many Christmas traditions growing up. However, he knew his mother had made her best to make him happy each holiday. 

- “Yeah… that and… maybe this”

(Y/N) took a mistletoe from her pocket and lifted her arm to place it right on top of their heads. 

Spencer didn’t move. He just wide opened his eyes, staring at (Y/N), who was now smiling, completely blushed. 

- “Since we are spending Christmas together, I thought… we… could…”- but she couldn’t finish talking, ‘cos Spencer leaned in slowly, very slowly until he reached her lips and kissed her. His hands cupped her cheeks carefully, and her arms ended up wrapped around his neck.  

- “Merry Christmas, Spencer”- she whispered, rubbing her lips against his when the kiss ended, but neither of them wanted to move apart.

- “Merry Christmas, (Y/N)” 

.

[lokilickedme]

In less than 2 hours we sign the papers for our house and are officially no longer homeless. We've been basically drifters since December 4 of last year and while it's been interesting to say the least, I think I'm going to have to face the fact that at this point in my life I don't care to do anything like this ever again. What a long strange trip it's been. There were some experiences along the way that I wouldn't want to miss if it had never happened the way it did, though...

Some good, some not so much.

Like sitting in our empty house on the final night before we hit the road, talking to my only living sibling over pizza about life in general and our lives in particular, knowing we'd probably never see each other again after this trip but finally understanding each other after 40-something years of pretending things were a certain way in our family and acknowledging that no, they're not

Packing up an entire house in less than a week, just me and my brother, and coming to the profound realization that the lives of four whole people can be loaded into boxes and stacked in a truck and after a couple of days you stop missing the stuff you put in them

The windstorm in the Texas panhandle that blew me straight into the gas pumps the moment I stepped out of the car and hearing what had to be a 90 year old man yell JESUS CHRIST WHAT MOTHERFUCKER PISSED IN POSEIDON'S POST TOASTIES...and wondering for the next 200 miles what the god of the sea had to do with a windstorm in Dumas

Listening to Little read town names from the back seat and agreeing wholeheartedly with his pronunciation of Dumas as Dumbass

Telling my kids the story of Milagro as we passed through with white knuckles and picking up my phone to hear my husband say "Hey, you remember what happened that night in Milagro?"

Listening to a radio deejay speak Diné for hours as we drove through Navajo Nation land in New Mexico

Finally seeing the Shiprock for the first time

The snowstorm that chased us all the way from Santa Fe to Moab

Watching/trying not to watch the couple on the balcony above us at the hotel in Monticello while we stood in the parking lot trying to figure out which way to go (they were gettin’ it epic, ya’ll)

Seeing the first massive range of mountains in the rear view mirror as we headed over the second

Being tired of mountains by the time we hit the third

Losing the race to beat the snowstorm and waking up in Castle Valley to more snow than I’ve seen in 40 years

Heading out of Castle Valley like our asses were on fire to beat the second blast of the oncoming storm

Eating something in Moab Utah that...I don’t know what that was.  It was good, but I’m not doing that again.  Mama likes to know what’s going in her mouth thanks

Screaming over the walkie-talkies with my brother and Big in the truck in front of us and some random traveler who was on the same channel as we crossed the border into Colorado

Taking pictures while I was driving and having people in passing vehicles wave at the camera

The snow

God, the snow.  Oh, and the rockslide.

Watching the Bookcliffs get bigger and bigger the closer we got to our destination

Arriving at our destination as homeless drifters and wondering why it wasn’t as romantic and exciting this time as it was when I did it alone 30 years ago.  Must have had something to do with the kids having farting contests in the motel room.

Going down to the motel lobby every morning for a week in my pajamas and parka for what seemed like the best damn coffee in the whole world while the blizzard blasted around us like it was never gonna end

Waving to the snow plow every day at noon from the motel balcony with the boys

Snowflakes the size of your fist

Lobby coffee.  I still have wet dreams about it.

Never wanting to see the inside of another motel for as long as I live after just about 4 days of being cooped up in one room with three males and two cats.  The lobby coffee helped

Moving into the ranch.  The murderous peacock horde and Jim the bull and the goat with no ears that bites the back of your leg as you run screaming and never knowing if it was JD, Dingo, or Ratch that was banging around in the basement at any given 2 am and never finding out what Dingo looks like because you only ever saw him from a distance, but nothing beats a good mystery and you know I have available faceclaims

Sitting in the attic with my notebook, typing away while it snows outside on the little mountain town we’re about to call home

Getting an explosive nosebleed in Rock’s Record Store under a life sized poster of George Harrison and going outside only to slip and fall in the dead center of the street, which around these parts is how new residents become locals

Feeling all kinds of weird despair when being told over the phone by an official with the Colorado Department of Education that without a permanent address I would have to register my boys as homeless to be able to continue their homeschooling

Looking at house after house and finding empty closets to cry in in strangers’ homes because everything was either too tiny, too expensive, needed too much work, too expensive, too far from husband’s workplace, too expensive, too everything and too nothing and just...too too

Finding a house we could afford and coming to within two weeks of closing only to have it yanked out from under us and finding out it was a blessing in disguise because no shit you guys, the deceased previous owner owed some dangerous people a lot of money and they had liens on the house that the deceased previous owner’s daughter didn’t know about before she put it up for sale.  The house has since been taken off the market and the daughter has disappeared.

Finding another house we love in an incredible location in our price range (barely) that ISN’T being repo’ed by the mafia and putting in an offer on it within one hour of the listing going live...and being informed the next afternoon that we got it.

Calling the Colorado Department of Education back and having them remove the boys’ homeless status.

.

This afternoon after the closing/signing we start unloading our stuff from the storage lockers into the house and we are having our Bootleg Christmas in February, folks.  I have gifts packed up that we didn’t have time to open before we left (we were on the road on Dec 25 and my brother, an anti-holiday Culty, was with us the entire week before that helping me pack up the house) so I finally get to see what @texmexdarling sent me :)

See you guys on the other side.

[tparker48]

"Your task is simple noobie, sneak into our opponent's team and get intel on who to look out for. And do not get caught, we won't be able to reach you in there" his captain said.

"Understood, I'll be in and out before you know it" the tiny would crawl underneath the gap of locker room doors as he walking into the area. The tiles slightly pale as the air smelled of old sweat. Carefully, he made his way toward one of the lockers as he climbed the hole along the panel to the top. Thankfully he picked one that wasn't too noisy as his shoes hit latched on the ends.

He climbed all the way to the top as he perched himself upon an edge as he heard the doors begin to open. Each of the players would shift themselves into the area the sound of cleats and banging shoulder pads came closer. As they came into view, the little would duck a little as he readied his camera.

"Man was that an interesting skrim match. I swear that shoulder nearly knock me off my feet"

"Heh, you that heavy dude. You're almost light as a feather. But speaking of feet, mine are nearly killing me with that running we've been doing"

"Man, they must be really packin this year" the little guy said holding his camera. listening amongst the crowd of players as each conversed with one another. At the same time, he would begin to take pictures from his phone as he scanned and snapped each number and player they see. But there was a particularly bunch that caught his attention the sound of ruckus echoed through the lockers. A hoard of players would begin to swarm the locker doors as each got ready to change from there gear.

"Good work boys, freshen up and get ready for the game tomorrow. And sure to plenty of rest" the coach said among them. The little guy tried to take a picture of him, but sea of players would keep him out of frame before losing him. But a sudden ruckus would soon to turn up below him as the two players were caught in an argument.

"Next time you decide to catch the ball 27, make sure you can actually catch" he heard from below. He held his camera over the edge as he took pictures at the two.

"Get off my case 60! You're the one who threw it too far"

"Not my fault you can't catch think faster than you. Psh, might as well stick to line"

"Ooo note, players 27 and 60 have no coordination. This'll be usueful for tomorrow" the little guy said.

"I'll show you who should stick to line back" one of the players would tackle into the other as they were sent into the locker. Its startled the little guy at first as he continued taking pictures. At that point, the commotion would be to get attraction as the other players would start to gather around.

"Fight! Fight! Fight!" They echoed through the locker room.

"Ooo ho ho, now this this is some useful info. Just let them go at take picture and numbers. Simpl-"

"Hey 26! Brace yourself!" Number 60 would go in for a tackle as the both the players crashed into the locker. The force behind it would shake the frame as it distorted the little guy's balance. Before he could get his footing back, he fell of the lockers as he tumbled to the ground

"Please land somewhere soft! Please land somewhere soft!" The little yelled as he fell to the ground. His vision constantly turning before becoming dark with a white surface in front of him. He blinked his eyes for a moment as he slowly got up and looked at the surface. A cushioned pad would be underneath him as he gave a deep sigh of relief. He soon began to stand back to his feet as the as it went to get off and pat himself down. "Oh Thank goodness,for a second there i thought i was gonna land somewhere wor-..." standing on the bench, the little guy started to look up as pillars of players towered around the table. Each of them peering down at the little guy standing in the center of the table.

"What's a little guy doing in here?"

"I don't know, but he picked the place to snoop around. Probably stealing something".

"Let me at em, i'll show him something he can snoop into"

"Eheh, now now guys. Let's not be too hasty. I um...i can explain" the little guy says backing into the pad. The players getting even more closer to the table.

"Now now boys, that's no way to treat a little. Allow me.." The team captain would push a few players aside as the he stood at the front of the table. Moving himself a little closer as his hair blocked the light overhead. "Apologies for them, they tend to get a little roudy when they see someone smaller than them. What's brings you here little one? Never seen someone the of football around here"

"I-I....**ahem** im simply passing through. Heard some commmotion and...decided to look into it. Didn't want to cause any attention"

"Cause the attention huh? Well you certainly are beyond that point" the team captain soon saw a glare from his vision as he looked to the little camera in the pile. The little guy froze for a bit as two finger rose over head a picked it up. "Hmph! Passing through huh? Looks to me like you were taking pictures" he eyed the camera for a bit before seeing a symbol from another university. "Ah i see, so the they're snooping on us huh? We got ourselves a spy boys!" The team captain held up the camera into the air as many squinted at it, but their gaze soon turned downward as the furrowed their look down at the little guy.

"W-what no! I wasn't spying at all. Just hear me out-"

"Sorry little one, evidence spells clear as day. So the other team wasn't to know more about us huh? Heh, well then lets give them what they ask for. Boys? Form a line" with an echoed chuckle, the would line themselves, behind the captain as he stood in front of the table.

"Gah!" The little guy would try and hop off the table, but a thumb would rest on his legs.

"Ah ah ah, can't have you running off just yet. And to make sure you don't" the captain would pull out a patch of tape as he laid it across the little guy's legs.

"Hey! Wha-what are you doing!"

Giving you the info you wanted" the captain would turn his back towards the little guy on table as he unfastened his pants. Pulling them down, his round glutes would stick out partially as he hover the crack over.

"Th-this is insane, what if your coach comes back and sees you doing this?" The little would pry at the tape, but he wasn't able to get a good hold.

"The coach's gone for today, which means its just you and us. And we hehe, have a very special gift for your data" the captain would soon drop to the table as his ass planted ontop of the little guy. He felt his cheeks spread a little as the sound of little muffles echoed from underneath.

The little guy's world would be dark, but the warm smell still remained as he pushed his hands between the ass crack. With each push, he could feel the hairs along the cracks length and in between it, the hole clenching at him as he bucked against it. "Hey! This isn't funny, get...off of me!".

"Sure thing. But first, your gift" as the captain sat down firmly onto the table, he would soon begin to spread his left cheek away from the other as the wall of ass planted ontop of the little guy. The sound of churning echoed above him before the hole he pushed against began to open up, before the little knew it, a warm scent escaped from inside as his nose scrunched at the smell of it.

"There go, fresh data just for you. I hope you like it"

"Augh! Come on, seriously. Get off me alrea-" before the little could finish, a rush of hot air burst into him as the smell followed behind it. The captain would feel the seat begin to warm as he chuckled to himself. Feeling the little hands underneath pounding against his. Ass as released another one. At that point, the little guy's eyes would begin to water as a second rush of air blew into him.

About a few more seconds passed before the captain began to stand back up. But not before rubbing his ass in place as the sound of grunts sounded underneath. "Aah, now i feel much better. Been holding that in since practice".

"You...are a bastard you know!" The little guy coughed.

"Heh, such harsh little words for a squirt. I do hope a little gas didn't get the better of you"

"Peh, hardly"

"Good, cause the rest of the of the team want to give you some data too" the two of them looked to the other players as they looked at the little guy with eager anticipation. "He's all yours boys. Oh and, do be sure to drop him off at the other team's place".

"With pleasure" one of the players behind him said as he stood forward. Peering down at the little as the captain went out. His shadow casted over the little guy as a little smirk came across his face.

"Ehehe..please rethink about this" the little said sweating.

"Oh i've thought of it alright" the player would seperate his legs apart as he moved them along the length of the table until his ass hovered over the little guy's head. Pulling his pants down, he spread both cheeks apart as he as aligned it with his face. "I'd hold your breath if I were you" as the player said that, his ass would move closer as the area darkened. As it sat to the table, it would plant down on his shoulders. Leaving his face to be in the center as his hole winked against his cheeks. "Unlike the captain, i like to have things much close and personal against my hole"

The little guy would feel the force of his hole mush into him as its wrinkled skin still had a little sweat in between. He tried kicking his legs from behind to get his attention, but he only received a firm press from the hole above as it slowly moved in place. As it did, the hole would begin to open up as the as a fart came out in firm bursts. The hole clamping back onto to his face each time as the farts ringed through his ears.

"Grgh! Stop it already!"

"Sorry squirt, i ain't stoppin til every bubble inside me is out and blown into you" the player sat down a little more as the hole covered over the side of the little guy's face "so sit tight". Mire churns would echo from inside him as the table once again started to feel warm. The warm smell following behind as it resonated strongly underneath him.

Another few seconds passed as the players farts soon stopped. As it started to get up, he poked a finger against the back of the little guy's head as he felt him slide off against it. "Thanks for the release squirt".

"Hah....hah...please, no more farts for lord sakes"

"Quit your whining but mat, you got the rest of us to tend to" a bigger players would step into the light as the towered over head. He also spread his ass apart as he hovered overhead. "Now just keep your head juust like that for.." As the the big player casted overhead, the little guys vision would soon go dark.

An hour later:

The other team would just now be finishing up practice as each went to change there gear. Some of them talking amongst each other while others went and trained a bit more. Suddenly, they heard a flurry of knocks on the enterance of the locker as a shadow showed up before disappearing.

"Hmm, wonder who that could be" one the players went to go open the open, but found no one outside. The only thing standing there was as small twisting jar. "Hmm, there's a note" bringing it inside, he read it to the other players as the sound stared puzzled at it. "Here is your data. Be sure to get it cleaned up. Winky face? The hell does that mean?" As the player said, they soon heard loud bangs coming from the jar as the one them slowly went to open it. Untwisting the lid, they were all met with a foul smell as a jock would stored inside. Along with the little guy as he popped out of it gasping for fresh air.

"Holy crap! What the hell happened?"

"The smells, so..so many smells. Who'd think that many players could smell that bad" the little said climbing out.

"They, what do you mean?"

"I'll tell you later. For now im just gonna...lay here for a while" the little guy would sprawl onto the table as he shut his eyes in defeat. Leaving the other players confused as they looked back at the tired tiny.

"Dang, they must've really did a number on you" his captain said.

"Ugh, you have no idea"

[lifewithdavefarts]

DaveFarts - Episode 16 “Just a Beer” [Episode List] After filming another session for Greg, Dave and Tom go to a pub to have a couple of beers and watch a football match together. After the game, things get a bit gassy… but Tom is no Tim.

I’m too gay to write about sport properly, so expect lots of made-up names for teams and players.

POV: Tom

Just a Beer

“And that’s one more sting from the Wasps!” I said, taking a triumphant sip of my beer.

Like half of the crowd in the pub around us cheered, while the other half complained, all eyes glued on the screen.

“You guys are just lucky as fuck!” Dave yelled back at me, in a lame attempt to mock my team. He wasn’t mad, but clearly he didn’t like losing. Who does.

Dave is, for the lack of a better word, a friend from work, and we have a very… peculiar relationship back at the workplace. Our common friend, Greg, is a wannabe movie director and he’s currently trying to make some short films about obscure kinks, including mine: fart fetish. My role is essentially the “taker”, while Dave here is the farter, and a really good one I have to admit.

Over the last few weeks we had a bunch of sessions in front of the camera, and while Greg’s films were not my first experience in regards of, well, “acting” in this genre, Dave, my straight partner, certainly is unlike anyone I ever met. He’s ridiculously chill and we bonded pretty quickly, and I’m surprised by how actually comfortable he is around me even after Greg sends us home, as not only he obviously knows that I have a fart kink, but also because my job is to basically be under his farting ass.

“Come on, Badgers!” Dave exulted, as his team almost scored a point.

So, me and this guy started hanging out a bit more after each work session, due to some common interests, and in the end we decided to watch some football matches together in a pub not very far from Greg’s warehouse. This is like the 5th time we’ve been getting mad at football players together.

“Tough night, huh?” I mocked him.

He answered with a death glare and took a silent sip of his own beer.

At this point, The Wasps (my beloved Wasps) were leading the match and we were only a few minutes from the end. I’m pretty well-versed in sports and I actually play football myself with some buds. Dave is a sport guy as well, but he’s not as cultured as I am on the subject, though it is one of our main common interests, that’s for sure.

I ordered another round of beer (I’m a noble winner, so it’s on me), which my new straight bud gladly accepted. Despite the rivalry, we had a toast, just as the match ended, with Dave and half of the pub complaining about the embarrassing defeat of their precious Badgers. Luckily, no barroom brawl ensued.

“Can’t spell Badgers without bad.” I love being stupidly petty about this.

“You know what” Dave said. “Why don’t we take this outside, bro?”

“Ohhh you wanna go outside?” I replied. “Bring it, mate!”

We both stood up as if we were ready to throw hands at each other, but this was simply our super-manly-playful way to jokingly tell each other that we were ready to leave the pub, just to have one last beer in the park across the street, where we’d usually discuss the match we just saw without the loud crowd of the pub.

Before leaving we bought two bottled beers and then left. It was relatively cold outside, but my jacket did the job. Dave was sporting his most casual “tuesday night” outfit, a green hoodie and a pair of jeans. What was odd, among other things, it’s that this is what he wore for today’s fart session, which made me think of his rough denim ass crushing my face as he blasted me. He actually didn’t fart much outside of filming sessions, which I honestly appreciated. I’m happy he’s chill but I’m not hanging out with him to get kinky.

It’s quickly become a tradition between us that, since this town is pretty dead and boring unless it’s the weekend, we simply take a walk in the empty park, probably getting mistaken for weirdos, or two dudes going on a romantic date, if you want to consider this shitty park “romantic”. We usually then look for the bench behind some trees and bushes, were we could have just a beer and chat a bit more before going home.

Yes, two guys sitting on a bench at night, drinking beer and chatting, all alone, far from everyone. We’re either the most boring men you ever met, or the gayest ones (despite the lack of any actual attraction).

“We completely destroyed you” I said, commenting tonight’s game “but I gotta admit that you got Donovan, who’s a beast. Too bad he’s the only competent player in that sewer.”

Dave was sitting next to me with his own beer. “You may be a filthy Wasp, but at least you’re not blind.”

“I’m a noble winner, I don’t kick a man while he’s down… unlike Bennet.”

“Oh please.” he said. “That was an accident, Wood fell in front of him. He literally tripped over him.” he took a sip of his beer. “If you’re looking for an asshole, just ask Foster.”

“Foster is like the best player of the last decade.” he laughed at my statement. “I can respect Donovan ‘cause at least he got skills, but your boyfriend Bennet is mediocre at best. And that middle finger he gave Reed? Totally uncalled for.”

Dave chuckled and then pointed his index finger up, a smirk drawn on his face, and looked at me.

“You know what else is totally uncalled for?”

He narrowed his eyes a bit and the silence around us was immediately broken by a loud, long fart. I felt the bench almost vibrating because of the power of that blast, as he also leaned just a bit to ease his fart out. My first reaction was a stupid laughter: fetish or not, this guy got some mad farting skills.

What was even more impressive, other than the sound and the loudness, was the length: 7 seconds and it was still going strong. I tip my imaginary hat to you.

“You see.” Dave said, after the fart faded out, sitting normally again. “That was a fart, and it was still a better point than yours.”

“Asshole.” I replied.

“Yep. That’s where it came from I think.” he joked back.

We both resumed talking about the game, past games, future games, all while carefully making our beers last longer. All taunting aside, Dave did bring up some good points (actual real points) about both teams and he also agreed with some of the stuff I said. It was a civil discussion, until he casually started ripping another one of his loud farts. I didn’t mind the interruption, maybe...

“Don’t waste your gas, dude. We gotta work together again tomorrow.” I joked.

He laughed, as his relatively short 5 seconds blast ended.

“Well, we’re hanging out. So technically we’re still at work.”

He laughed again. I was confused instead.

Dave stood up, now towering over me, then slowly turned around and lifted his leg, fully showing off his denim butt almost in front of my face. He then gently reached for my head with his hand, gradually pulling me closer to his ass.

“I guess you could say that farting in your face is literally my job.”

The fart was incredibly loud, up close and personal... but I was having none of that.

I pushed him away, perhaps a bit too harshly, before the stench could reach my nostrils.

“What the fuck.” I said.

He interrupted his loud fart and he was visibly confused by my reaction.

“What’s the matter with you?” I asked him, as I however let him sit next to me again.

I wasn’t feeling in danger or anything, but come on. A straight guy just casually face-farting someone like me as if it’s the most normal thing in the world?

“I’m sorry… I thought-“

“Oh please. You can drop the act, dude.” I was kind of mad, not gonna lie. “What are you up to?”

Dave stared at me like a confused dog for a few seconds, as if he was trying to understand what’s going on.

“What’s your endgame? What do you get out of this?” I asked. “You have a dom kink? That’s okay man, you can tell me.” I tried to sound as calm as possible, but then I said some stuff that was downright, well, an accusation. “Are… are you doing this to blackmail me later? Are you filming all of th-“

“What the fuck.” he seemed genuinely offended by those last questions. “Why would I ever do that?”

Unbelievable. “Oh shut up Dave. A straight guy, just a guy, with no fart kink whatsoever, just deciding to blast my face? For no reason whatsoever?” as I said, unbelievable. “I mean it’s already weird given what we do for Greg, but this? I’m not buying it.”

I was mad, but I didn’t want to insult Dave, though I did have my reasons to be skeptical. The guy seemed like he was looking for the right words to say in the meantime.

“I see.” he finally said, then laughed a bit. “I mean, I can’t blame you if you’re super skeptical about this. Me, a straight guy, of all people, just being suspiciously open-minded about your disgusting fetish. Clearly he’s got some ulterior motives…”

Disgusting is not a bad word for me and he didn’t look like he said it to insult me, weirdly enough. I mean, fart-sniffing? I can admit it’s weird and gross!

“But I can assure you man, I’m just a guy.”

I narrowed my eyes, I was still not buying it. “There has to be a reason. No one is that open minded.”

He just smiled a bit, staring back at me. “Look, I’m not naive. I do have an internet connection! I know this is gross.” he said, as he stood up, as if he wanted to be listened carefully. “I wouldn’t want people to know that I’m face-farting you whether it’s for a film or when we’re, you know, hanging out.”

He took another sip of beer and laughed bit more, clearly knowing how surreal this fart-related discussion was.

“But I don’t know man, perhaps I have a messed-up sense of humor. Maybe I’m just as weird or simply… I know that my bud likes it, so I think… why not?”

“Yeah. Why not having gay dude’s face up your straight butt as you fart. Totally normal.”

“OK… What do you want me to say, Tom?” he sat next to me again. “You want me to insult you? You want me to tell you to get lost? I can do it if you want but that wouldn’t be the truth!” he was sincere, against all odds. “Dude: I like hanging out with you, despite well, your obvious gross issue: being a Wasp supporter.” he joked, why was he joking?!

I was still skeptical, maybe too skeptical know, so out of nowhere I reached for his denim crotch, with no respect whatsoever of his personal space.

“Whoa. Going for the second base, man?” he said, half-serious.

What I felt was, well, nice, but indeed he wasn’t having a boner. He had no kink about farts or being dominant. And honestly I had no reason to think at this point that he was filming this to blackmail me in a way or another, when he could easily do that with the hours of fart sessions we filmed back at Greg’s warehouse anyway.

Fuck. I just realized I crotch-grabbed this guy. I quickly backed away.

“Okay, I apologise for that. This was uncalled fo- please don’t use that as a fart-cue again.”

He laughed, being super chill about my awkwardness. Fuck. I’m not awkward, I’m mad! I’m not a stuttering mess! I’m better than this!

“B-But you do understand that this still is absurd: I have the right to be skeptical.”

“You totally do.” he firmly said. “I’m sorry I made you uncomfortable.”

“It’s just… really, why would you do that? You really get nothing out it?”

Dave just shrugged and smiled. “I guess I got it all: I’m nice, cute, open-minded.” he joked. “And I’m comfortable with my own sexuality of course. You’re cool, but your face up my ass is not gonna awake anything in me, sorry dude.” he chuckled a bit.

I smiled and shook my head in disbelief, this guy truly is one of a kind. I’m not saying that all straight buds should be like him, I can accept people being disgusted by my kink, but man, Dave sure is different...

“Also, as I said, I’m aware that it’s disgusting, okay? Does that make you feel better, you freak?”

I laughed a bit. “I suppose so.”

“I know you’re not your fetish, man.” he finally said, as if this was the answer he wanted to give me like ten sentences ago. “Does that answer your question?”

“It doesn’t” I simply relied. “But in a weird way, it also does. Thanks.”

To me, it was still weird that a straight guy like him would just casually face-fart me with “no strings attached”, but I guess Dave can be trusted nonetheless, and I’m okay with that.

There was an awkward silence, but my new straight bud immediately knew how to break the ice again.

“And bro.” he said. “I’m just so good at it. Regardless of any fetish, why wouldn’t I want to share this?”

The bench shook as if there was an earthquake under the power of Dave’s blast, loud and proud as usual. It probably was the impressive rest of the fart that he tried to rip in my face earlier (what a weird sentence to say), and man, that only made his gas angrier and louder.

14 seconds, then silence, only Dave’s trying not laugh too much, with his damn smirk drawn on his face. I was impressed, and admittedly horny. I wanted to be mad, but there was something about him and what he said that, well, either he’ sincere or he’s the greatest liar in the world. I’d say the former.

“So what’s gonna happen now?” I asked.

“Same time, same place this Saturday? It’s the Wasps VS the Lobsters this weekend.”

I appreciated that. “Thanks, but I also meant, well-“

Dave simply stood up yet again, basically re-enacting what he did earlier, this time without me stopping him. Once in front of me he turned around, raised his leg and reached for my head with his hand, gently planting my face in his denim ass, immediately ripping another loud blast, a fart that he probably thought he owed me. I could inhale the stench of all of his previous blasts, as this final one made my nostrils burn.

That lasted “only” 6 seconds, but given the context, I thought it was the best one. I got farted on by Dave many times because of our filming sessions, but this one time felt different, and even better.

After that, he turned around and sat next to me again, as if nothing happened.

“Does that answer your *other* question?” he laughed a bit, and finished his beer.

No guy was able to make me look like an awkward idiot before Dave, fuck. But as I said, I appreciated that, not just for my weird kink. We both fully accepted each other tonight I guess, and I wanted to propose a toast to our weirdness, but I finished my own beer instead.

I didn’t want the face-farting to be the norm between us however, despite how I obviously appreciate Dave being ridiculously comfortable about it, but he seemed to understand that anyway.

We finally left our bench and walked towards the park exit, as it was getting late and we both had “normal” jobs to be at the next morning. As we approached the exit, Dave messaged back and forth with someone on his phone.

“Girlfriend?” I asked.

“Sort of” he chuckled. “This saturday a friend of mine is gonna join us.”

“Please not Greg!” we both laughed.

“Don’t worry. He’s my roommate. Not a sports guy but in his family they’re avid Lobster supporters.”

I faked an outraged expression. “The common enemy…” I whispered.

“I know!” he stated. “Let’s crush him!”

We shook hands as if we had a deal and called truce, temporarily ending our rivalry, because we’re very mature adults. We then went separate ways, not before exchanging a very manly bro-fist.

Thanks for the beer, but I still think you’re weird, Dave Maning. I guess you can be a good friend though, despite being a filthy Badger.

End of Episode 16