#been obsessively dedicated to. and instead of their lives being saved by their connection‚ the sudden dissonance is the root of their

[poptartmochi]

i think that i will never be able to rid myself of Magdalena, despite my disdain for her source material, because she's just such a fun little inversion character 🤧

[shirubae]

Silvaze ‘06: Part 3 - A Life or The World

Previously: Silver and Blaze arrived in the past, though separated.

Silver continues his mission with Amy. They finally stumble upon Sonic with Elise in Soleanna Castle Town. Silver ambushes him for the sake of the future.

Vs. Sonic

You know Sonic’s infamously unfair (“It’s no use!”) boss fight with Silver? Well in Silver Episode it’s still a curbstomp, only now the player gets to say the line. Realistically, there’s no way for Sonic to overpower Silver when he’s so bloodthirsty. His psychokinesis is just too much for the blue blur.

Interestingly, in Sonic’s story he manages to briefly beat Silver. The way Silver gets up and strikes back is very reminiscent of a move that Mephiles pulls on Shadow after their fight in the future. Parallels, babey! You’re working for a villain, Silver!

Silver is confused by how easily he can defeat Sonic, having assumed he was just as monstrous as Iblis. How could such a fool doom the world? He also allows Dr. Eggman to kidnap Elise, ironically further endangering his future.

Sonic turns his back to pursue Elise, infuriating Silver; he can’t see why Sonic cares so much about that girl with the fate of the world at stake. If Silver can’t afford to look aside for his friend, then neither should Sonic.

This is where we see just how obsessed Silver is with his mission, and how his impulsive immaturity makes him so dangerous. This is what happens when Silver “runs wild” as Blaze put it. He does not hesitate to kill someone he’s never met at the mere notion that it could solve his problems. He welcomes it as “[his] mission”, taking pride in being a time-traveling assassin. He wants the death of Sonic the Hedgehog to define him.

Then Amy steps in. Silver may be a freak, but he's not so violent that he'd turn on an ally so quickly. She checks his insane moral compass and hits him with the big line: “Even if that was true, if I had to choose between the world and Sonic, I would choose Sonic!”

This shakes Silver’s blind obedience to Mephiles. He begins to actually consider what it means to trade a life to save the world. More importantly, Silver is amazed by the faith and trust that Amy puts in Sonic; even when faced with such a dark prophecy, she sticks to what she knows and who she trusts. To quote resident Sonamy extraordinaire, @molinaskies :

"[Amy]’s choosing Sonic because she knows that, even if Sonic’s actions are devastating (which, remember, she outright doubts), his actions are for the greater good because objectively, Sonic has a good heart and is always on the right path.” - MolinaSkies

As the camera flies over the despondent Silver, we hear the first few notes of “You Are My Companion”, a song that represents Silver and Blaze’s devotion to each other. Silver compares Amy’s faith in Sonic to his own faith in Blaze. He accepts that he’s been neglecting her, and chooses to stay in one place instead of running off and making things worse. He chooses to wait for Blaze, the person he trusts most in this world.

Speculation: It's hard to say, since we know very little about Silver's life before this game, but I now wonder why Silver wants so badly to save his future. It can't just be that he wants to have a normal life, he's such an extraordinary person and is so freakishly dedicated to his goals that it must be deeper than that. Is it a self-imposed mission to give himself purpose in life? Is it to improve his own life, or the lives of others too? Does he have someone else to fight for? Regardless, his connection to Blaze was stronger than he thinks, and now he's starting to see it.

Reunion with Blaze

And she shows up! Blaze tells Silver she’s been looking for him (too bad he hasn’t been looking for you). He’s so ashamed he doesn’t even respond, merely glancing her way. But he does request her advice again, asking her opinion on taking one life to save the world.

Anyway. Silver is the one who proposes their next move to investigate Eggman’s White Acropolis. Now he’s seeking context, rather than simply biting at the Iblis Trigger’s heels. It also shows that he did have a plan of action in mind, but he chose to wait for Blaze this time. They’re still misguided, but at least Silver’s letting Blaze help.

Blaze calls him naive (or 青い "blue" if you will) for his latest unanswerable question. Instead, she reasons that there is no way to determine the consequences for one’s actions and that we can only act on our beliefs and hope for the best. It gives Silver a simple creed that he can hold onto for now. But it’s now clear that Blaze never believed Mephiles the way Silver does - rather, she’s so desperate she’s risking it all for a chance at peace. Blaze is no paragon of optimism, but at least her realistic perspective helps ground Silver in this mess he’s gotten himself into. (Note: the music for this reunion, “Is It Right”, uses the same leitmotif as “You’re My Companion”)

This scene is one of the two times Blaze calls Silver naive. Fans have really latched onto this adjective as a descriptor for Silver, but it can make him come off as more innocent and childish than he really is. Silver is not naive in a childlike way, but in an optimistic way. He believes that he can save the world by accomplishing a mission (defeating Iblis/Sonic), even though things are not that simple. Blaze will later come to realize that Silver's stubborn insistence on hope is what makes him so special, but for now she seems exasperated by it instead.

Next up: finding a Chaos Emerald and continuing the manhunt!

[Back to the masterpost]

[linkspooky]

Wild Tiger - Gojo and Yuji

If Megumi and Geto together represesent the black yin, then their respective counterparts Yuji and Gojo both embody the white yang. Thus, Yuji and Gojo as mentor and student are two characters who are very similiar in nature. Rather than passive, feminine,  yin standing in the shadows they both are active, masculine yang standing in the light. More on the foiling between Yuji and Gojo underneath the cut. 

1. The Strongest

There are a lot of similarities between both Yuji and Gojo you can point out right away. They are both light haired. They are both the more lighthearted person in the duo, the cheerful, silly ones in comparison to their dark haired more self serious counterparts. Yuji and Gojo both tend to come off as normal teenagers, they drop pop culture references, flirt with girls, read manga. If Geto and Megumi tend to be the more brooding ones, removed from the world around them and stuck inside their own heads it’s Gojo and Megumi who are actively taking part in the world as much as they can.

Basically, in any situation they’ll be the ones less inclined to take that situation seriously, whereas Geto and Megumi are prone to be the ones to take the situation too seriously. Despite the fact that Yuji and Gojo are the more childish of the duo and act like teenagers (Gojo acts like a teenager even as an adult, isn’t he impressive) and more prone to being emotional rather than overthinking there’s also a serious level of distance between themselves and their feelings. 

Gojo notices this about Yuji right away, despite the fact that curses are by some definition “alive”, Yuji doesn’t show any hesitation at all in fighting against them and killing them. It’s odd for what was a normal teenager before this point to act this way, to not even be a little scared by curses. Gojo marks Yuji out as one of the “crazy ones” like him right away because they both suffer from this disconnect between their head and their heart. 

Yuji and Gojo are parallel. Yuji’s craziness is Gojo’s craziness. They even go on similiar journeys before becoming the strongest. In the beginning of Yuji’s character development, and the flashback chapter for Gojo they both experience the same thing. First, a near death happens at the hands of an enemy. Until this point Yuji and Gojo have always been the strongest. Yuji has always been like olympic levels of athletic (for some reason), both Yuji and Gojo were always good at whatever they tried when they were younger and never tasted a serious defeat. 

That is until they experience their near-death and taste weakness for the first time. 

After this point they both flip. Rather than being humbled by their near defeat they become arrogant. Yuji’s flip is more literal, he flips from the dominant personality Yuji, to the other personality within him the curse Sukuna. Gojo, after unlocking the secrets of reverse jutsushiki and perfecting the unlimited becomes more arrogant. These moments are meant to be paralleled to each other, we’re supposed to see Sukuna’s arrogance in Gojo’s apparent flip after becoming the strongest because they both quote the same text “ Tenjou tenge yuiga dokuson. It means “Above heaven, under heaven, I am alone worthy of honor”.

These scenes are further paralleled, because they also fail to save someone. Gojo fails to save Riko, because he let Toji through when he promised Geto that he would cover his back as the strongest.

Yuji similiarly fails to save Junpei, after offering him a chance to come back to Jujutsu High with him and fight together. They also both fail to save the person they wanted to save for the same reason, because they failed to take the situation seriously enough and got sloppy. Yuji forgot Nanami’s warning to him to watch out for the patchwork faced spirit, and Gojo got so arrogant he dropped his guard around Toji.

After these failures however, Yuji and Gojo’s solutions is always to become prouder rather than to humble themselves. They always end up seeking out more and more strength. When Yuji loses Junpei, his response is to flip to being angry and killing Mahito. When Gojo loses Riko, his response is to go on a power trip. They always both double back on strength. This is a parallel to this. 

Which is why Gojo and Yuji click and get along so well, they think the exact same way, they both are convinced the solution to every problem is to just try to be the strongest so you will never lose. Yuji and Gojo have this weird understanding of each other, Yuji thinks Gojo is an admirable person and is always listening to him just because he’s the strongest, Gojo thinks Megumi should learn to swing for the fences more like Yuji. 

2. I Alone Am the Honored One

Yuji and Gojo’s strongest character trait is both their pride, the pride they take in themselves, the pride they take in being the strongest. However, pride isn’t a sin. It is for the both of them a strength and a weakness. Yuji and Gojo are both people dedicated to improving themselves, to lifting themselves up to be the best individuals they can be. While they’re obsessed with becoming stronger, they also use their strength pretty unselfishly. Megumi and Geto are both people who choose who to save. Geto only cares about sorcerers, Megumi only cares about what he arbitrarily deems as good people.

 Gojo is someone who is constantly working to save the masses, he does the most missions out of all the jujutsu sorcerers and is constantly busy exorcising curses for the sake of everyone to the point where his job is his whole life. He also, doesn’t just force everyone to submit to his strength by killing all the higher ups until he’s left. He’s not a tyrant. He works within the system to help people because he’s always choosing his actions along the lines of what will help the most people possible. 

Gojo and Yuji are both self centered people who use their strength in an unselfish manner, though for different reasons. Yuji is emotionally moved to helping people, and Gojo is tied down by using his powers responsibly. However, despite using their strength for the sake of other people they are also both strongest when they are alone and this is a weakness for them. 

They both make the same decision and the same mistake in the Shibuya arc, which is to run off ahead alone even when they have back up they could have waited for because they assume that everything will just be better if they handle it entirely by themselves.

Gojo goes all the way down to the subway alone and gets boxed. Every fight that Yuji faces alone in Shibuya arc (against a name character that matters) he loses. He loses to Choso, as a result of deciding to run ahead of Megumi instead of waiting for backup. He was completely losing to Mahito, and would have died had Todo not shown up to give him backup. Kamo Noritoshi Sr. even tells this to Yuji directly to his face, you alone are not enough. 

Yuji fails to get Gojo’s box back by himself, and once again has to be saved by people working together as a team, the Kyoto students led by Utahime (somebody Gojo dubbed as weak) showing up to interrupt the fight. Yuji and Gojo are both the most active characters always running off to save people, however strength isn’t enough to save people, especially when they’re acting alone. This leaves both of them feeling insecure, because they try alone, and fail alone, they believe that they themselves are not enough. 

These scenes once again are parallels. They try to save people, and then when they fail hold themselves entirely responsible. Their habit of acting alone also comes from this distance between themselves and their emotions which I described earlier. Yuji and Gojo only see themselves in their utility to the other people around them. Yuji has to be doing something in order to help others. 

Both Yuji and Gojo are consumed by what I am going to dub the “chosen one complex” where they have to believe there’s a reason that they’re given such tremendous strength. They have to use their strength in order to help others. Otherwise, why do they exist? Neither of them allow themselves to exist unless it’s in service of others. Yuji can’t live on unless he’s helping people like his grandfather told him. Gojo HAS to hold the whole Jujutsu World on his shoulders. 

In other words they see themselves and their relationships with others in this way. People can’t simply like Yuji and Gojo, they need to need them. Yuji is surrounded by allies because he is useful to them, because he’s strong enough to be around them. They see everything even themselves through the lens of strength. Nobody would want to be with them if they were weak. Geto didn’t like Gojo, they were only together because they were the strongest together.

If you’re not strong people will leave you behind. That is the only way Yuji and Gojo can comprehend their tangible connection to other people. That’s also why we see a similar emotional denseness for both Gojo and Yuji. It’s not that Gojo is uncaring, he does actually take notice of people’s feelings and tries to be considerate in his own way.

They both notice small little details about people while missing huge ones. Gojo noticed something was off about Geto because he was interested in him and observing him that close, but he took him at his words that he was fine when he was in the middle of his mental breakdown and was caught completely offguard by it. There’s an entire chapter about the small little details that Yuji notices about people. 

However, Yuji and Megumi fail at basic communication and are constantly hiding secrets from each other, the same way that Geto and Gojo once did.

They are at the same time extremely observant, and emotionally dense, and this is entirely about how they see themselves. Yuji and Gojo can only exist in service to others. They’re only going to be surrounded by people if they are strong enough. Which is why they also wish for what is exactly the same thing. Yuji wants to die surrounded by people, and Gojo wants allies that are just as strong as he is. However, they both go about it in the entirely wrong way. What Gojo wants is people who are as strong as him to be equal with him. However what Gojo needs is to emotionally open up to people and allow other people to be equals with him on an emotional level because they don’t need to pass some physical test of strength. 

Gojo and Yuji are both characters who want to be surrounded by people, and yet they’re always running off ahead of everyone else to die alone. That’s the contradiction about themselves they need to fix, in order to keep living as more well balanced people. That’s why they both need Geto and Megumi as the other halves of the equation, because they can’t solve it on their own. 

[killergirlfuria]

DO NOT REPOST.

Say hello to the newest of my endeavors, an attempt to transfer Winx characters to Genshin; or, old obsession meet new obsession, have fun boiling together in my head. (If I get around to it, Stella's coming next.) First in the series is, of course, Bloom. In Winx Impact, her full name is Bloom Hendrickson, and her birth name is Cyrene Vassago (my reasoning being that both Cyrene and Daphne were naiads and daughters of Peneus, so I figured why not; her birth parents, with no idea of her birth name, named her Bloom, and that's the only name that matters to her). She's a 5✩ Pyro Sword character. And here's a little blurb about her: Bloom Hendrickson is adopted daughter to Mike and Vanessa Hendrickson, and older adopted sister to Flora and Chloris Hendrickson, born as Cyrene Vassago, younger sister to Daphne Vassago and daughter to Oritel and Marion Vassago. She’s currently 20, and a Guard Captain to the Knights of Favonius. She’s good friends with Albedo and Kaeya, as well as often times the designated babysitter for Klee. She also is constantly at odds with Jean, because she’s of the opinion that Jean, as the acting grandmaster, should be focusing on running the knights, instead of behaving like a cat-saving, errand-running apprentice. In the Winx Impact AU, Bloom is the one who ended up hunting down and killing Ursa the Drake about a year after it caused the death of Crepus, which saw her instant rise in popularity among the people, which made Varka to push for her promotion. Bloom used her newfound influence to reveal the truth behind Crepus’ death; because she valued the integrity of the knights more than their scandal-free reputation. The move made her widely unpopular with the higher-ups, but also made Diluc appreciate her a whole lot and the two are now somewhat friends. As the person in charge of internal security, and one infamously disliking the Fatui, she always strives to make their lives unnecessarily harder than they should be in the entirety of Mondstadt. Bloom is aware that she’s adopted, her parents told her as much, and even if they didn’t, she has always known something was different; she has been having dreams about a woman in a pillar of fire in an ice-covered throne room. It was that very woman, with whom Bloom feels an inexplicable connection, who directed her to find and kill Ursa the Drake, which she inexplicably managed despite initially thinking it a fool’s errand. Bloom is fairly sure there’s more to her than just being a child her parents found and adopted. (She knows something is going on, just not how deep it goes, or that a forgotten nation at the bottom of the Dark Sea is missing a princess, and a god-dragon is slowly coming back after its sacrifice to keep its people safe from Celestia’s greed. And Bloom, of course, is in the middle of it all.) Bloom as a Knight is strong, driven, and dedicated, almost scarily so. At the beginning of the events of Genshin Impact, she's 20 years old. Credits: Winx Club belongs to Iginio Straffi and all the apropriate companies. Genshin Impact (and the 3D model of Royal Longsword) belongs to MiHoYo. The design of Bloom-as-GI-Character belongs to me. Pose by anastasia-berry (https://www.deviantart.com/anastasia-berry/art/Poses-Reference-79-female-811243685 the second pose, swapped leg position) Antiche cover book Seamless textures by jojo-ojoj (https://www.deviantart.com/jojo-ojoj/art/Antiche-cover-book-Seamless-textures-520748615) Dragon referenced from a bad-quality screenshot from the Winx Show

[piracytheorist]

Since the first thing that strikes me about re8, story-wise, is that it seems to be all over the place? Again, I’ve no idea how it ties to previous games but it feels like this parental/mother-child theme is just hanging there with no resolution at all? I mean yes, Ethan saved his daughter, presumably breaking some sort of abuse cycle, yay, congrats, but what about his wife/gf? Isn’t she supposed to be like the main protagonist of the story of a mother bereaved to the point of tyrannical madness

Or rather, this specific story is not the right choice for his character since there’s SO many ethical and philosophical issues and questions implied but never properly explored because of Ethan’s ‘fuck you, idc’ attitude (which is completely understandable in those circumstances but adds virtually nothing to the plot and arguably even ruins it a bit). Heisenberg could’ve been an excellent ally with fascinating grey morality (provided the writers wouldn’t push him to the point of absolute insanity and let freedom, not power-hunger be his main goal and motivation for rebellion).And again, aren’t the lords supposed to represent child development stages? In which case Ethan what? Kills the possibility of some evil version of Rose? Or his own chance to experience fatherhood throughout all of those stages? Either way, it seems a bit… weird to have a Parent destroy multiple people whose main relevance to the plot is that they’re children of an abusive antagonist in a storyline so extremely focused on parent/kid relationships.

I feel like the main theme of re8 is not just parenthood/motherhood, but the relationship itself of the parent to the child. There's a lot of mentions to "children being used". Miranda kidnapping people, experimenting on them and mutating them and then treating them like they're her kids; Miranda kidnapping and practically killing Rose; Dimitrescu making daughters out of reanimated corpses she experimented on; Heisenberg wanting to use Rose's powers, etc etc.

And it's important that Miranda is at the center of this. There's something very interesting she says to Ethan in her boss fight:

"Why do you interfere? Surely you have no need of Rose now, so close to death?"

And that's where her mistake was. Ethan wasn't doing all that because he needed Rose herself. He was doing it to save her, fully aware that he wasn't going to be a part of her life cause he knew he was dying. Miranda was way too dependent on her love for Eva - and like, I honestly get it that losing your child can devastate you (if anything my fear of that is one of the reasons I don't want to have kids) - so much that her life literally revolved around her child. Once Eva died, Miranda wanted to die. Once she found the Megamycete and discovered she maybe had a chance to bring Eva back, she dedicated her entire life and ruined multiple others to do just that. Her one and biggest need was to get Eva back. It wasn't a simple want or wish. It was a need. She'd get her child back, damn everyone else - including other people's children.

Miranda had no-one to blame directly; Eva had died from the influenza, it wasn't like she had any chance to change things. Ethan's case was different; he had people to blame, particularly, the one who kidnapped Rose and dismembered her, and her lackeys who kept said parts and fought him for trying to take them back.

So on one end, you have a parent who lost her child due to a tragedy, and ended up destroying other - innocent - lives in order to get her back. On the other, you have a parent who lost his child due to a crime, and ended up going after the criminals responsible in order to get the child back. Like, it wasn't even revenge, and it wasn't that he "needed" Rose in his life. He simply wanted to save her and ensure she'll be alright.

I fully agree it could have been Mia as the protagonist in re8, and that it was a wasted opportunity to simply fridge her and have her in the sidelines angsting over her husband. But whether it was Mia or Ethan as the protagonist, I feel like the theme that I explained above does offer a resolution, showing the opposites of Miranda and Ethan, and ending Miranda's tyrrany of her "need" to have her child back through Ethan's determination to ensure his child's safety and happiness - even if he doesn't get to be a part of any of that later on. Miranda showed obsession; Ethan showed dedication.

And this is how I see the abuse cycle breaking and the resolution is reached; an obsessed parent hurt a good parent's child to bring their own child back - the good parent's dedication stopped the former, allowing the former's tyrrany to end and their child to grow up safe.

Seeing as this is a horror game, I don't tend to focus on the morality issues (if I'm interpreting your second message correctly). Like, the developers are making a grant effort to put us in Ethan's shoes, first-person POV, plain character protagonist and all; our child got kidnapped and practically murdered, and we have the chance to bring her back. We'll absolutely raise hell to the people who are responsible for it and we will get our child back, fuck any moral dilemmas we might have. When someone is threatening your life, you have the ability to kill them to defend yourself. In the case of a caring parent, that ability may multiply by a lot when the threat is towards their child. And I feel that this is what the game explored in the end. Though the whole survival issue is taxing on Ethan, he doesn't give a damn about who he has to kill if it means saving his daughter - but again, it's only the responsible parties. We see how watching all the people at Luisa's house die affected him, and even before Elena died, he wanted to ensure her safety before he went searching for Rose; he is sympathetic and morally rational, but also capable of cold-blooded murder if someone is threatening his child. To a lesser extent, we saw that in re7 too. With his life on the line, he killed Jack (multiple times) and Marguerite, and at the end he recognized how they were actually victims of Eveline. But they were still actively trying to murder him so he wasn't given the chance to help them. With Zoe, he promised to send help, and he did, even wanting to talk to her once she'd been rescued by her uncle and Chris. The same applies to re8, but as I said, it's multiplied since it's his daughter who's in danger, and the end of re8 proves he cares for her safety more than his own.

Now, all that said, I think it's important to note how it's stil a Resident Evil game. I haven't actually played or watched any playthroughs of other games, but the basic concept in these games, from what I understand, is that the player shoots zombies; ex-human beings who have lost any human mentality and will just come for your throat if you don't kill them first. They're not humans anymore, they can't be reasoned or sympathized with. It's not really an issue of morality, ethics or philosophy. Your life, and the life of your child in the case of re8, are in danger. You don't give a shit. You just start shooting and hope for the best. Again, I don't know if the morality issue is explored in other RE games, but to be honest... Resident Evil doesn't sound like the kind of franchise that's thematically into going super deep into the morality of shooting zombies to save your life.

I have to admit I haven't thought of the Lords being representative of child development stages. I think they could be put as Moreau being a toddler, fully dependent on their parent - funnily enough, the Greek word for baby is "moro", pronounced almost exactly the way "Moreau" is pronounced in the game - Donna as a child, Heisenberg as a (rebellious?) teenager, and Dimitrescu as a late teen/young adult (if anything, Dimitrescu seems to behave like the eldest child of the bunch). But I'm not sure the connection that has to Ethan as a father, if anything because the bosses are fought in complete random order of age, if my analysis is correct. Like, I understand the symbolism behind the Lords' behaviours, maybe as you said they represent the obstacles Ethan had to overcome. In one single day and with his life on the line, instead of in the course of Rose's entire childhood and adolescence, but that's exactly why he hated being a protagonist of a horror game, lol.

Anyway, yeah. All in all, I don't think Resident Evil is a franchise where we should expect to sit down afterwards and ponder whether we were right to shoot the zombies that were trying to kill us. Again, I'm not the right person to ask this, since I don't know anything about other RE games, but that's the conclusion I'm making in a meta-thinking way.

[axebenefits]

Why Kokomi Teruhashi Deserves Better

let me start off with stating that teruhashi is not pursuing this life of perfection for herself. and you may think “but she seems to enjoy it so much” or “but no ones forcing her to be perfect”. however, there’s a lot more to her goals than just self satisfaction.

teruhashi is a beautiful woman who, seemingly from an early age, was fawned after and sexualized by everyone. even her own brother. though we’ve seen nothing of her family outside of her sibling, we can assume it’s not as perfect as she’d lead everyone to believe.

even if teruhashi’s parents didn’t add to any of the pressure or stress she’s under, they most certainly seemed to have enabled makoto. or at least been negligent in their parenting. how could anyone get to such a state of obsession? especially over a sibling, nonetheless. even saiki points out in the episode makoto is introduced (season 1, episode 9) that the teruhashi parents should not have let makoto get this far in his possessiveness. which leads me to believe that they either are very distant or they’re very careless.

then kokomi attends pk academy. here she has a variety of people her own age. and what happens? they worship her blindly. her gorgeous looks garner her constant empty praise because of this facade she displays. there’s even a fan club dedicated to her, one that has been said to have ADULTS in it. how creepy is that? and she just has to live with it.

but you have to think, would teruhashi even be able to live a life in which she’s not treated as a goddess? she’s exceptionally beautiful, very intelligent, and quite talented. there would never be a world in which she wouldn’t get the attention that people force onto her.

and, as sad as it is, i think she’d prefer attention that she’s asking for instead of something unwanted and unexpected.

this may lead you to deduce that she enjoys the praise and affection. that as long as her ego is being inflated, she’s happy. however, let’s think back to the valentine’s day episode in season 1 (episode 8). it’s rumored that teruhashi has brought chocolate for a special someone, and all the boys flock to her in order to earn her chocolates.

remember how annoyed she was, how frustrated she got when they were tripping over themselves to do whatever she asked of them. and why do they do this? do they care for her? unfortunately, no. she’s an accessory to them, a beautiful gem they can wear out and show off. these people hold no genuine love for her.

she was agitated, despising the crowd that followed her relentlessly. however, this is teruhashi we’re talking about. she gets followed by a crowd of strangers constantly. she gets swarmed by people at café’s. she is so used to such treatment, why was that time so different? it must’ve been a one time thing, right?

wrong! she never enjoys the attention she gets from people. she doesn’t put up this persona of the “perfect pretty girl” for herself. she doesn’t particularly like it, but she feels as though it is necessary. she constantly puts herself through uncomfortable and even downright upsetting situations to continue to show people that she is perfect.

what’s worse is that she’s so accustomed to people treating her more like a reality tv show star than a person. in the last episode of season 2, episode 24, we witness the newspaper club once more trying to tarnish her image. how do they try and get dirt on her? THEY FOLLOW HER AROUND.

and the saddest part is she notices IMMEDIATELY, and is able to take extremely detailed notes on what the perpetrators are like. she outright states this isn’t her first time being stalked. of course we know this, but can we register how upsetting that is? this young girl who doesn’t even have a genuinely caring and healthy family gets stalked constantly.

let’s not forget kokomi has clearly never had friends before she befriended chiyo and the rest. nobody treated her like her own person. they’ve all put her on this incredible pedastol, too far from the top to ever even think about befriending her. so she had no one to confide in, no one to make her feel safe.

but that all started changing when she became friends with saiki’s group. do you know why? because they showed her genuine respect and kindness. not empty validation and unwanted worship. the genuinely do care for HER, not like how the other pk students tend to only care for how she the image she portrays herself as.

no one ever cared to get to know her, until saiki and his friends. saiki’s group brings out the best in people. i could go on an entire tangent on why saiki’s friend group is so wonderful, but we can save that for another time. what i’m saying is that they treated her as equal. of course they do occasionally shower her in praise, but they have no ulterior motive. they don’t want to get with her, they just want to make her happy.

we see how she changes alongside this friend group. for instance, when saiko is introduced in episode 23 of season 1, she even states herself that the “old her” would’ve dropped everything for saiko. but now, she cares too much for her friends to ever let ANYONE insult them like that. and that feeling is reciprocated.

you can argue that every situation ends in kokomi’s favor, and therefore gets everything she wants. and i agree to an extent. she is most definitely adored by the gods. however, positive outcomes do not erase uncomfortable and even traumatic experiences. you can put a bandaid on a wound, but only time and care will truly heal it.

alongside that, i understand some people still view teruhashi as conceited and selfish. in episode 11 of season 2, after kusuke insults teruhashi, she cries in order to form a mob to sworm around him. and yes, this was wrong of her and i will not be making excuses. however, someone as worshipped as her is bound to have an inflated ego, is bound to develop such defense mechanisms. though it was wrong of her, there was reason behind why she acted in such a way.

she still has her flaws, she still gets easily annoyed with people. but let me remind you that, after garnering so much unwanted attention, anyone would get easily agitated by people trying to force themselves into their personal bubble.

building off on that, teruhashi is also extremely defensive of her perfect pretty girl facade. why? because it’s all she had for so long. she may have never had good connections or genuine love, but she had her image. and that kept her at ease.

but you can only fool your mind so much. there will always be a little light shining through the rose colored glasses, giving you a glimpse of what’s actually happening. and sometimes, the reality of it all gets to her.

but now, she has saiki’s group. and as much as i wish things would be different for her, for people to let her live her own life and treat her with actual respect instead of a rare doll to admire, i’m glad she has her friends. i mean, one of the reasons she even likes saiki so much is because he isn’t like the rest. he wasn’t falling to his knees to praise her. he wasn’t following her around like a lost puppy. he did none of that! and she felt comfort in his stoic exterior.

the fact that she likes saiki of all people simply proves that she genuinely doesn’t care for the validation people thrust upon her. all she wants is to feel safe and content, and saiki provides that for her.

but she still deserves better. she deserves to be able to set aside her reputation and be her own person. to say no to uncomfortable situations. she deserves so much more than what she gets. and while her friends are wonderful, i do wish the general population treated her with that same respect.

teruhashi is a strong-willed woman who sadly fell victim to internalized misogyny, to strive to be the perfect woman. and, in her eyes, the perfect woman aligns directly with society’s view of what a good woman is like. pretty, submissive, passive, nice; that’s not who she is though. we see that she has quite a bit of an attitude and is very easily annoyed. she’s also extremely clever and, while deceitful, does have a lot of passion.

and nothings wrong with that! it’s okay to be bitter sometimes. teruhashi still treats others with respect and she does yearn to be better, even if not presented consciously. she works hard to be who she is, and i admire that. but she deserves to be work hard to be who SHE wants to be, not what others expect of her.

in conclusion, while teruhashi is not a perfect person, she’s an extremely well-written character. the development she’s made has been astronomical, and i’m so proud of how far she’s come.

thank you for reading! ♥

[dangermousie]

Heelo mousie! Love your blog! Do you mind recommending some of your favourite Chinese BL novels or shows?

I've seen the untamed and read it. I'm currently reading heaven's official blessing and I saw the donghua. Anything other than these two?

Awww, thank you!

Novels: I am gonna be lazy and literally copy/paste the entire danmei section of my top 10 web novels post (except MXTX’s stuff since you are already reading it.) Let me know if you need help finding any of these.

Lord Seventh - I am only partway through this so far, but it’s already on the list because it’s smart and somehow intense AND laid-back (not sure how this works, but it does) and is honestly just a really really solid and smart period novel, with the OTP a cherry on top of a narrative sundae. Plus, I love the concept of MC deciding he is not going for his supposedly fated love - he’s tried for six lifetimes, always with disaster, and he’s just plain done and tired. When he opens his life in his seventh reincarnation and sees the person he would have given up the world for, he genuinely feels nothing at all. (Spoiler - his OTP is actually a barbarian shaman this time around, thank you Lord!)

Golden Stage - my perfect comfort novel. Probably the least angsty of any danmei novel on this list (which still means plenty angsty :P) It also has a dedicated, smart OTP that is an OTP for the bulk of the book - I think you will notice that in most of the novels in this list, I go for “OTP against the world” trope - I can’t stand love triangles and the same. Anyway, Fu Shen, is a famous general whose fame is making the emperor   antsy. When he gets injured and can’t walk any more, the emperor gladly recalls him and marries him off to his most faithful court lackey, the head of sort of secret police, Yan Xiaohan. The emperor intends it both  as a check on the general and a general spite move since the two men   always clash in court whenever they meet. But not all is at is seems. They used to be  friends a long time ago, had a falling out, and one of the loveliest  parts of the novel is them finding their way to each other, but there is  also finding the middle path between their two very different  philosophies and ways of being, not to mention solving a conspiracy or  dozen, and putting a new dynasty on the throne, among other things. It always makes me think, a little, of “if Mei Changsu x Jingyan were canon.”

Sha Po Lang - if you like a lot of fantasy politics and world-building and steampunk with your novels, this one is for you. This one is VERY plot-heavy with smart, dedicated characters and a deconstruction of many traditional virtues - our protagonist Chang Geng, a long-lost son of the Emperor, is someone who wants to modernize the country but also take down the current emperor his brother for progress’ sake and the person he’s in love with is the general who saved him when he was a kid who is nominally his foster father. Anyway, the romance is mainly a garnish in this one, not even a big side dish, but the relationship between two smart, dedicated, deadly individuals with very different concepts of duty is fascinating long before it turns romantic. And if you like angst, while overall it’s not as angsty as e.g., Meatbun stuff, Chang Geng’s childhood is the stuff of nightmares and probably freaks me out more than anything else in any novel on this list, 2ha included.

To Rule In a Turbulent World (LSWW) - gay Minglan. No seriously. This is how I think of it. it’s a slice of life period novel with fascinating characters and  setting that happens to have a gay OTP, not a romance in a period  setting per se and I always prefer stories where the romance is not the only thing that is going on. It’s meticulously written and smart and deals with  character development and somehow makes daily minutia fascinating. Our   protagonist, You Miao, is the son of a fabulously wealthy merchant,   sent to the capital to make connections and study. As the story starts, he sees his friend’s  servants beating someone to death, feels bad, and buys him because, as  we discover gradually and organically, You Miao may be wealthy and  occasionally immature but he is a genuinely good person. The person he buys is a barbarian from beyond the wall, named   Li Zhifeng. It’s touch and go if the man will survive but eventually he does and You Miao, who by then has to return home, gives him his papers  and lets him go. However, LZF decides to stick with You Miao instead, both  out of sense of debt for YM saving his life and because he genuinely  likes him (and yet, there is no instalove on either of their parts, their bodies have fun a lot quicker than their souls.) Anyway, the two  take up farming, get involved in  the imperial exams and it’s the life of prosperity and peace, until an invasion happens and things go rapidly to hell. This is so nuanced, so smart (smart people in this actually ARE!) and has secondary characters who are just as complex as the mains (for example, I ended up adoring YM’s friend, the one who starts the plot by almost beating LZF to death for no reason) because the novel never forgets that few people are all villain. There is a lovely character arc or two - watching YM grow up and LZF thaw - there is the fact that You Miao is a unicorn in web novels being laid back and calm. This whole thing is a masterpiece.

Stains of Filth (Yuwu) - want the emotional hit of 2ha but want to read something half its length? Well, the author of 2ha is here to eviscerate you in a shorter amount of time. This has the beautiful world-building, plot twists that all make sense and, at the center of it all, an intense and all-consuming and gloriously painful relationship between two generals - one aristocratic loner Mo Xi, and the other gregarious former slave general Gu Mang. Once they were best friends and lovers, but when the novel starts, Gu Mang has long turned traitor and went to serve the enemy kingdom and has now been returned and Mo Xi, who now commands the remnants of his slave army, has to cope with the fact that he has never been able to get over the man who stabbed him through the heart. Literally. This novel has a gorgeously looping structure, with flashbacks interwoven into present storyline. There is so much love and longing and sacrifice in this that I am tearing up a bit just thinking of it. If you don’t love Mo Xi and Gu Mang, separately and together, by the end of it, you have no soul.

The Dumb Husky and His White Cat Shizun (2ha/erha) - if you’ve been following my tumblr for more than a hot second, you know my obsession with this novel. Honestly, even if I were to make a list of my top 10 novels of any kind, not just webnovels, this would be on the list. It has everything I want - a complicated, intricate plot with an insane amount of plot twists, all of which are both unexpected and make total sense, a rich and large cast of characters, a truly epic OTP that makes me bawl, emotional intensity that sometimes maxes even me out and so much character nuance and growth. Also, Moran is my favorite web novel character ever, hands down.

Anyway, the plot (or at least the way it first appears) is that the evil emperor of the cultivation world, Taxian Jun, kills himself at 32 and wakes up in the body of his 16 year old self, birth name Moran. Excited to get a redo, Moran wants to save his supposed true love Shimei, whose death the last go-around pushed him towards evil. He also wants to avoid entanglement with Chu Wanning, his shizun and sworn enemy in past life. And that’s all you are best off knowing, trust me. The only hint I am going to give is oooh boy the mother of all unreliable narrators has arrived!

The novel starts light and funny on boil the frog principle - if someone told me I would be full bawling multiple times with this novel, I’d have thought they were insane, but i swear my eyes hurt by the end of it. I started out being amused and/or disliking the mains and by the end I would die for either of them.

The Wife is First - OK, this one did not make my top 10 web novels but it’s a sweet, fun gay cottagecore fest. Our ML, a royal prince, and his spouse, a smart if delicate aristocrat, keep house, eat noodles, play with their pet tiger, make out and spoil each other rotten, while occasionally fighting battles and outwitting their court enemies. It’s so very mellow. That couple redefines low drama - they are both nice and functional and use their brains. It’s as if a nice jock and a nice nerd got together and then proceeded to be wholesome all over the place.

I mean, the set up could be dramatic - our ML the prince, lost his fight for the throne and is about to be killed. The only person who stayed loyal to him is his arranged husband the aristocrat guy who ML never treated nicely since he resented marrying him (marrying a man in that world is done to remove someone from the ability to inherit the throne.) And yet the husband stood by him not out of love but beliefs in loyalty blah blah. Anyway, he transmigrates back into the past right after their wedding night and is all “I got a second chance OMG! I don’t want the throne what is even the point? I want to live a good long life and treat the only person who stood by me really well!” And he proceeds to do so to the shock of the aristocrat who had a very unpleasant wedding night and generally can tell the man he just married would rather eat nails than be married to him. But soon enough (no seriously, it’s not many chapters at all) he believes the prince is sincere blah blah and then  they get together and they pretty much become cottagecore goals.

In terms of dramas, I only do period dramas (or novels) so I am not the person to be able to recommend any modern BLs. There is a flood of upcoming (hopefully) period BL dramas but it’s relatively thin on the ground now. The two I will recommend is Word of Honor (which is AMAZING) and Winter Begonia (which I just started watching but which owns me already.) I have a tag for both - the one for the former is huge and I cannot recommend either strongly enough. I’ve heard good things about The Sleuth of the Ming Dynasty, but I am not big on mysteries so haven’t watched it for myself.

In terms of the upcoming BLs, the ones I am most looking forward to are Immortality and Winner Is King, but The Society of the Four Leaves also looks promising.

[floralovebot]

I read your timmy/riven/helia headcanons and I LOST IT hahahaha I love it! I just got curious about that sad headcanon you mentioned about helia (I think about his past?)? Like you have said, like other people I project into him a lot so he's my favorite and wanted to know about that hc cuz now I can't stop thinking about it 🙊

AHH A FELLOW HELIA STAN MY BELOVED!!! HI!!!!

okay so,, i'd like to preface this with a couple things. 1. it's based off of a rewrite that i've had in my head since i was like, 10 and i'm never actually gonna write/post it kldhglahdgl. 2. i want to explain why i came up with this backstory and headcanon! cause ik anyone who isn't a helia stan or at least really likes him, probably won't understand (not in a gatekeepy way but in a "this character is so underdeveloped that if you haven't paid attention to every little thing about them you probably won't immediately catch on to the thought process behind this" kind of way).

So,,,, oh dear okay first no one is allowed to judge me. if you judge i'm gonna cry >:(

When I was trying to come up with Helia's backstory, a lot of different ideas went through my mind. Naturally being a Helia stan, I first went with the "he grew up at red fountain" route! But then I realized I wanted something with a little more umph, and as I realized certain things about him, growing up at RF (red fountain) didn't immediately make sense? At least,, not completely... You see, Helia is a major perfectionist (we've covered this in past lessons) and a major escapist. Something that stands out about him though, is that everyone we've seen that knew him for a long time (ie family members or childhood friends) are extremely supportive of him and understanding of mistakes (even bigger ones).

Helia's escapism has a direct connection to his perfectionism, ie if he makes a mistake, no matter how small or inconsequential, he freaks out and leaves. Something that makes him slightly different from other, similar characters though, is that his perfectionism only has to do with himself (usually). He doesn't worry about what other people think of him, only about the guidelines he's set for himself. So, if he makes a mistake that crosses those guidelines or rules, that's when he gets upset and leaves. (I honestly think him leaving RF for art school the first time could've been a product of this, though that's heavily just thinking and not canon).

While anyone can be a perfectionist and escapist without any big reason, I really wanted to explain why Helia is like that. His issues in particular seem more based on fear and invisible rules than just feeling inadequate (like some of the other escapists in the group... ahem bloom ahem). One thing that really stood out to me, was the arc in the comics where he left the school for a third time because he made a mistake on a mission that almost cost Brandon and Codatorta their lives. He let emotions and personal life get in the way of what he was doing and that allowed someone to mess with their ship, causing a malfunction that almost killed them. Helia, instead of trying to figure out what happened, immediately resigned from the school because "a good specialist wouldn't have done that". He places these almost impossible standards on his entire life, both personal and work-related. And again, while that can happen to anyone, the level he does this at is so much higher than the other characters (even the royals who are notorious for doing this).

I want to preface this next bit with I'm a dumb bitch who's obsessed with apocalyptic media. So like,, the backstory I came up with is that his planet basically got overrun with monsters born from wild/dark magic and that most people died in the chaos. This happens when he's very young and he only survives because he had adults taking care of him. Eventually, he would get separated from his family and come across another group of survivors are willing to bring him along. He ends up bonding with a young woman who he essentially uses to replace his mom (cause yknow,, kids need parents and all). At some point, they're looking for food or medical supplies and he makes a mistake (likely making a loud noise or something) that draws monsters to them. The young woman saves him and in the process sacrifices herself. Cue survivor's guilt that transforms into extreme perfectionism. After this, he would run away and eventually Codatorta finds him because specialists were sent to find survivors. Cue him growing up at RF where he can get the proper training but he's too young to go on missions. This sparks the perfectionism and starts the escapism. (Not even gonna pretend that this backstory isn't heavily inspired by tlou and twdg.)

I also wanted a reason for why he's so heavily protective of Saladin, a very strong wizard who's been in countless wars and by all means, doesn't need protection. Like,, obviously they're family so duh. But idk,, his protectiveness of Saladin tends to overshadow his own life (for instance in the comics I mentioned earlier, Helia only comes back to RF because he had to help save Saladin and in the process gives up his job as an artist). I wanted to explain why Helia is such a good specialist but is also constantly trying to get away from that life (ie he grew up there and doesn't want to live in war constantly). I also wanted to explain why Helia seems so unphased when things happen! Like he just,, he shows emotions, but they're so subdued compared to everyone else.

OKAY ANYWAY,, jeez this is long already (and I condensed it... I have an entire google doc that explains all of this in a much more eloquent way). The trivelia headcanon was about Helia feeling comfortable sharing these things with them. He would bond with Riven specifically over not knowing/having family. Over the years, Helia would share just the tiniest little tidbits here and there about what happened (this apocalypse coincided with the Domino war and as such no one helped them. the Magix news centers kept pushing this issue aside to the point where a lot of people don't even know it happened) and how he feels about it. Like I've said before, Helia has a hard time talking about his life and especially his emotions. So Riven and Timmy (and Flora :) ) would really be the only ones who get to hear these tidbits. Eventually, Helia would have to go back because there are rumors that the monsters are trying to spread to other planets. Timmy would be his main source of communication when he's there as the others wouldn't be allowed to go (since they aren't native to the planet and could be in danger with the wild magic around [.. things happened to the first specialists that got sent... not good things]). (Also not gonna lie that the monsters are heavily inspired by the aliens in a quiet place.. In the google doc, I have an entire section dedicated to the monsters alone alkgdldajg).

.... this is so long.........

[how-masterful]

Remastered

Dhawan!master x reader

Chapter 3: New Earth

Summary: New earth, new adventures, but the return of a dreaded old face. You’d been acting strange all day, and despite the distracting wonder of the mysterious cures the sisters of plenitude were concocting, the Master had most definitely noticed. But when all is revealed in the hospital, things go from curious to complicated- especially when the sick break free, and the root of all the days problems decides she wants to try the masters body on for size.

Notes: At last! Another remaster! This time not a Matt but a David episode: loathed by some, but a guilty pleasure of mine! I mentioned wanting to write this fic  while ago, and i finally got around to it on the eve of Doctor Who day! I hope you all enjoy!

As usual, this fic is dedicated to my dearly beloved queen @plethora-of-imagines​. My watchalong companion, fellow soft dom lover, most trusted confident, and the most hat obsessed girl i’ve ever met. I hope it lives up to the hype!

They were surrounding you in droves. 

The sick. The diseased. The nearly dead. 

The filthy pipe covered walls of the hospital basement flying past your field of vision as you desperately raced towards salvation.

Or at least, the woman who was currently controlling your body raced.

Cassandra's presence in your head was agony- not just for the fact the woman was compressing you to death, but because she was so damn judgemental. In all of your adventures in time and space you’d never met someone so cruel, so self absorbed. And you travelled with the Master of all people, for crying out loud. You suspected the only reason you were being saved was because she was too self preserving to let herself, and by extension your body, go to waste. At least she had the common sense to keep up her speed, the Masters pace just in front of you as you bypassed the closing passageways of the intensive care unit and headed towards the room where she'd been hiding all this time.

“You’d better know where we’re going!”

The Master, for lack of a better term, was fucking pissed to say the least. The revelation that you weren't truly yourself was far more shocking than the revelation of the human farm the Sisters of Plenitude were hiding in their basement. He’d first accused the matron, who denied having any part in the ‘fuckery with your brain’, but it soon became clear who exactly had decided to hitch a ride inside your delicate human brain. The, as the Doctor's pet had once referred to her as, bitchy trampoline. You supposed he was also furious that she’d kissed him. You yourself were certainly boiling with anger at that fact. At least it was still your mouth, you reasoned.

“Keep a lid on it, handsome! This has been my terf much longer than its been yours!”

She knew the way well, the distance between yourself and the following lab grown humans strengthening as your feet lead you towards the dingy basement where your mind had been overtaken. Her assistant chip was long gone now, the boy probably dead from the swarming humans. All that was left was you, Cassandra, and the furious Master. 

The pair of you skidded around a plethora of corners, the basement of the hospital built not unlike the elaborate mazes the Master would construct within the walls of the TARDIS. You very much wished to be safe in your home instead of running from manic nuns and the almost living dead, but you knew that travelling through time and space meant a girl couldn’t be picky. If only Cassandra also shared the sentiment

"THROUGH HERE!"

You still weren't used to the ridiculously posh accent coming from your mouth, her shrill yell guiding the timelord to the small door that lead to her chambers.

The Master huffed, following your guide as you crawled through the square metal hatch. You heard the door slam and latch shut soon after, the chambers flying past as the far entrance arrived into view. With a heave the hinges opened, Cassandra letting out another scream as the diseased loomed large in the doorway. The door slammed shut as she pressed your back against the rusting metal and pulled down the lock, her eyes meeting the deadly glare of the Master in the middle of the room.

"My god, we're trapped in here! What are we going to do?!"

The Master narrowed his eyes, leering at the woman with a cast iron gaze that made you even shiver.

"Get out. I want her back. Now."

Cassandra rolled your eyes, the woman matching the Masters stance. He let out a low growl, the Master stepping forward with gritted teeth.

"I know you've met the doctor, but you've never dealt with someone like me. So let me be quite plain: I'm not going to play your stupid little human games, Cassandra. I want Y/N back, and I want her back now."

"God, you timelords are all the same, so demanding! You do know it's just a title, don't you darling?"

The Master scoffed, pure fury evident in his sneering grin. Cassandra took a step back, arms dropping from their fold as he took a step closer. His presence was intimidating to say the least.

"This plan of yours, it had potential. A psychograft- I must admit, rudimentary but creative."

It was Cassandra's turn to scoff now. The pair of them practically circling each other, the Master watching her turn her back as the last human stepped towards the ruined remains of her rusted frame. The Master stood besides the psychograft, the TCE now in his grip as he gestured with the small device squarely at the machine.

"Banned on every civilised planet, I can relate. But you know why they were banned, Cassandra? They were sloppy, completely unstable."

"Another thing you can relate to?"

"You're compressing my Y/N to death!"

Cassandra sighed, venom on her tongue as she kissed your teeth, scrunching her nose in disdain. Your fingers carefully traced over the metalwork of her frame, the jarred brain she once used now beginning to wither as the suspension fluid leaked and pooled out onto the rank basement floor. 

"And where do you suppose I go, hmm? My skin is long dead." Cassandra snapped, head whipping around to glare at the man in the purple coat. She smirked cockilly, tilting your head.

"You ought to play softer with your toys, time boy. This very sore little human of yours is my one ticket out of this shit hole"

"I'm afraid you'll have to deboard your vessel, Cassandra. You can float in the air- like dust, or a disgustingly persistent mosquito. Quite on brand, for you-"

"Very funny-"

"But your self preservation, Cassandra, is nothing but a big, fat you problem. That body you're in is precious to me and I'm not letting you get even a scratch on her."

Cassandra glowered, clenching her teeth as the Master gripped the TCE tight in his palm. She stared at him, lips quivering as she planned her next rebuttal. The Master held his nerve, unable to help the tightening of his chest as he thought of you, stuck inside your own body. He knew the feeling of being kept from your own being all too well from his little stint in utopia. Cassandra finally relented as the Master slowly raised the TCE to aim at her head.

"Give. Y/N. Back."

Cassandra carefully stood, slowly stepping towards the Master as he brandished his weapon in his hand. She teasingly began to twist the charm on the necklace around your throat, holding the pendant between her fingers. The Masters glare strengthened, eyes focused on the jewellery in her grasp. 

"You know, once you were dead and this place far behind me, I was planning on dumping the meat and pawning the bling as soon as I could. But you, Master, are too stubborn for your own good."

The Masters expression reeked of confusion, his head tilting to the side as Cassandra squared off her shoulders. The time lord took this as a threat, tightening his hold on the TCE as he watched her every move. You could see it in his eyes- Thousands of possibilities processing at once, the gears of his mind shrieking as they grinded through his manic yet methodical systems of thought.

"You want her back? You asked for it."

The tremendous pressure on your head suddenly lifted in a whirlwind of overstimulation. Every sound screamed in your ears, the basement around you caught in a surge of darkness as your hazed vision was stolen from you. A loud ringing persisted, if only for a few moments, the muted and muffled existence you'd sat within ripped from under your feet. Your knees weakly buckled, shoulders slumping as you felt the ground connect between your feet. You let out a gasp for air, eyes scrunching shut as you shook your head. The basement slowly came back into vision, your head recovering from the imprisonment with a low groan from your throat and a palm to the side of your skull.

"Ow, jesus christ, my fucking head. Where did she go?"

You focused your vision on the man in front of you. The Masters back was turned towards you, the timelord almost bent in half. He didn't respond, body oddly still as you dared to take a step forward. You had a dreadful suspicion about where she'd run off to after leaving your head.

"Master?..."

"Dear lord, I'm a bad boy now!"

No way. No fucking way.

Cassandra turned around with a flourish, hands upon the Masters chest as she let out an excitable giggle. His eyes sat wide, a half smile upon his face as she familiarised herself with her new body. She stumbled on her feet like a newborn deer, inspecting her fingers and rocking on her toes as she rubbed at her chin. The presence of a beard under her fingertips seemingly blowing the woman's mind. You didn't know whether to laugh at her antics or cry at the problem that just emerged before you.

"I've never been a bad boy before! Bad girl, for sure, but this?! Isn't he just delicious!"

His usual northern tone was long gone, a fact that hurt much more than it should. Cassandra couldn't stop giggling to herself, her hands playing over his cheeks as he hurriedly raced towards the cracked mirror placed upon the wall. She gasped loudly, rippling with excitement as her hands roamed over the Masters body: Fluffing his hair, synching his waist, popping the top button on his shirt. Seemingly doing everything she could to fill you with jealous rage.

"Are you about done?"

The Master flapped his hand in your direction, shushing you as she childishly jumped up and down on the spot. You folded your arms, biting your tongue as she preened and primped in the mirror, pushing his face within her hands and posing with narcissistic delight. You'd seen the Master do this himself, on occasion. But this was a completely different beast- especially since you didn't enjoy where her hands were seemingly wandering to

"Oh hush, darling. I'm just having a little fun with all these new… graciously extensive parts- these have definitely been well worn in, the saucy little thing. I'm quite the handsome devil now, aren't I?"

You growled, nose scrunching as she hummed to herself, smoothing down his purple tweed collar as she began to prance and strut around the room. She lept over various apparatus and rubble, spinning and watching the purple material of his coat fly like a skirt behind her. Cassandra let out a satisfied cackle, sighing with up most content. Your rage was furiously simmering within your chest.

"He's quite the riot, isn't he? He's so feisty, I love it. So edgy, so... Naughty! He has lots of filthy thoughts about you in here, oh the pictures i could paint for you."

"Get out of my- the Master now!"

Cassandra cackled, leering in towards you with a torturous grin. You'd feel rather flustered if it weren't for the fact this wasn't the Masters doing. Cassandra held her hands to his chest, stalking forward as you desperately clung to your stoicism. You wouldn't give her the satisfaction of watching you crack.

"THE Master? Or were you about to say MY Master? You forget darling- i've been inside your head. You want this samba in his chest to only beat for you."

You rolled your eyes, leaning away as the Master giggled and leant in closer towards your face. If Cassandra weren't within the Masters body you most definitely would've punched her. But your growing level of rage meant that was a fact you would possibly be able to overlook.

"It's a shame, really. If it weren't for the fact he'd kill me on the spot, I think i'd like to keep him. He seems like a seasoned professional in showing a lady a good time, after all!"

You let out a scandalised squeak as Cassandra grabbed at your hips, causing herself to dissolve into stitches of laughter as you shoved at the Masters chest. A blush of embarrassment flooded your cheeks, your fists bunching together in furious resentment. 

You sighed loudly, narrowing your eyes as you glared at the woman currently possessing your time lord. She was well and truly pushing your limits at this point and you weren't sure how much of her shenanigans you could handle.

"It's so easy to tease you, darling! You know at first, i just thought it was a personal interest of yours. But he actually calls HIMSELF the Master!-"

"Cassandra-"

"How fabulously kinky! Lucky girl, you did find an exciting bedfellow. How you kept hold of him i'll eternally have no idea."

"ENOUGH!"

The timelord paused from playing with his hair, turning to look you up and down with widened eyes. Cassandra took in your heaving chest, the tightening of your jaw as you glared daggers into her forehead. She raised his eyebrows, raising his hands in mock surrender. You could feel the sarcasm dripping from her actions, which served to infuriate you even more so than before.

"Struck a nerve, did I?"

"We're stuck in the basement of a hospital in QUARANTINE, chased by INFECTED LAB GROWN HUMANS! All of which, by the way, is ENTIRELY YOUR FAULT! And you think the best use of ALL OUR TIME is to play a game of musical bodies and piss off the only person able to help you out?!"

Cassandra pouted childishly at your words. You let out a frustrated huff, causing her to almost recoil in shock.

"We're short on time and big on problems. The last thing I need is you making this situation any worse than it already is!"

A thick silence sat between the pair of you. It was almost a dare to see who would attempt to move first, Cassandra's lips pursed and quivering as if the sarcastic retort was planning itself behind the Master's teeth and upon the timelords tongue. Your determined stoicism was completely abandoned in favour of indulging in the buttons Cassandra had been desperate to push. At this point all you wanted was the Master- not the stuck up snob currently cursing you internally in several languages.

You wanted to be out of this hospital and back in the TARDIS, to lay together and laugh at how a crazy old human who didn't know when to die decided to prance around inside the pair of you for an hour or so. But you couldn't. Because that crazy old human was ridiculously persistent. You thought her and the Master could possibly get on if it weren't for the current predicament you'd found yourselves in.

It seemed Cassandra had finally found her argument. The Master stepped towards you, hands on his hips as he sneered up and down your body. You opened your mouth to speak, ready to smack down any argument she could possibly have against common sense and decency, until a loud crash suddenly broke the pair of you from your standoff.

"Please… Help us!"

The far door to the basement slammed open, the sound of metal ricocheting against the aging stone wall. The diseased clawed and clamoured, spilling into the dingy room with a surge of newfound freedom.

The Master let out a petrified scream, hands flinging to your shoulders as he yanked you forwards to act as his human shield. Cassandra cowered behind you, peeking over your shoulder in terror. You could most definitely slap that woman, you decided. Guilt be damned. He let out a shrill yowl of panic, jutting you forward towards the oncoming hoard.

"TAKE HER, SHE'S LESS VALUABLE THAN I AM!"

Yep. Guilt be most definitely damned.

"Cassandra we have to work together!" You pleaded, turning over your shoulder to face the terrified Master cowering behind you. 

"The Master would know what to do but since you won't leave his head you have to trust I know what he'd say!"

Cassandra whined, roughly pulling you backwards as she stepped away from humans that were slowly beginning to close in.

"And what would he say?!"

You assessed your options. The sick were surrounding you from most angles, your entrance still sealed from your previous escape. However, a possibility caught your eye.

A slender black ladder. Your way out.

You turned once more to the woman, confidence finding itself back in your stride.

"UP THERE!"

The Master screamed once more, heaving you forwards with a weak shove as he scrambled up the stone steps that just emerged behind him. You yelped, gathering your footing with haste as you saw the purple of his coat flail behind him.

“Out of my way! Pretty people don’t die first!”

You followed Cassandra's path, clambering through the remaining metalwork of her skin frame and heading towards the metal ladder that sat flush against the wall. The basement supposedly lead towards all manor of places within the hospital, this upward ascent leading you towards the hollow insides of an abandoned elevator shaft. You watched the timelord hesitantly grasp hold of the flaking and rusting rungs of the ladder, disgust evident on his features as he retched at every climb. You couldn't be dealing with any more of her antics today.

“WHAT’S THE PROBLEM!?”

“THIS LADDER IS FILTHY!”

“SO!?”

“I HOPE YOUR MASTER HAS HIS TETANUS SHOT!”

You shrieked in frustration as you shoved Cassandra further up the ladder, your wafer thin patience having been tested today by that woman more times than you ever thought you could possibly muster. Your time was very much running out, and getting a disease from a ladder was of more concern to the woman than obtaining every single disease on new earth. The audacity of that woman astounded you to a completely new degree.

“IT'S EITHER THAT OR PLAGUE!”

“STOP YELLING AT ME, I CANT COPE WITH ALL THIS PRESSURE!”

“FUCKING CLIMB, CASSANDRA!”

A metallic thunk erupted from the bottom of the ladder, the blistered fist of one of the lab grown humans clinging tight to the first rung of your escape. The flustered cry of Cassandra floated further up the length of the ladder, your stomach filling with pity as you watched the pained glances and heard the pleading cries of the sick. You only hoped you could get the Master back and figure out a way to help them.

“Please… help us!”

“I’m sorry! I’ll try, I promise!” you called in return, before turning to face the panicked clambering of the Cassandra possessed Master up to safety.

You could do this. If you were lucky, you reasoned. It was possible.

If you were truly lucky you could get your Master back, lift the quarantine, save the sick, and escape this dreaded hospital. Only four things. You could do this.

But first, you had to deal with Cassandra:

And judging by the fact she was still screaming, several rungs up the ladder, you needed all the luck you could possibly get.

[bangtanblurbs]

young forever

song: young forever by BTS

first experience: strangely enough i have a very visceral memory of when forever young dropped. it was during finals week of my final year in undergrad. the song released on a sunday in the wee hours (or perhaps a monday? - days tend to run together during finals week). i didn’t have many assignments due that year since my course load was light and i was really just coasting into grad school the year afterwards (at the same institution i attend for undergrad). i remember logging onto youtube and catching the video as it premiered. i was stunned. HYYH pt. 1 and HYYH pt. 2 were heavenly to me, so of course young forever was greatly anticipated for me - the aesthetics, continuation of the story, and also simply getting new bangtan music. the cotton candy color pallet loaded onto my phone screen, and RM’s beautiful voice can through my earphones... i was immediately in love. 

every member looked completely stunning. the message i got from the video was... incredibly powerful. the maze. the lyrics. all of it resonated with me, a young woman -- 22 years old -- soon to turn another corner in life. i sat in my dorm room preparing for a busy week, as i was the RA in my dormitory and needed to help my students move out that week... as i prepared for my graduation and transition into my next step in life... i was also shipping out to macau, china for the summer in a few weeks so i geared up for that. this video dropping was almost a breath of fresh air from everything going on. i was able to really sit and enjoy it, but also reflect on my past, present, and the future to come. 

feelings: well, i have quite a lot. as someone who has been chronically obsessed with the story of peter pan since age seven, i’d say that youth is something i value - perhaps a bit too much. what’s interesting though is young forever isn’t necessarily about youth in the rawest sense... it’s also about dreams, reaching the point in your life where you’re happy, with yourself, your circumstances, ultimately your place in life. which i suppose most people equate that with youth, the innocence and naivety of it all. for me, thinking about forever young is kind of about that anxiety we carry as we get younger - have a made good use of my youth? did i squander it, getting caught up in the day to day or bogged down by my demons? the worry that our youth is our prime and when it’s gone, where do we go next? retire? it’s kind of funny thinking about this now as I’m 27 instead of 22. do i feel any older? no, not really - i feel the same. the same energy, the same zeal for life. do i look back on the days when i was younger and think that my youth is gone? no. for me - youth - it’s a state of mind. it’s an ethos, a way of proceeding forwards in my life. i didn’t always think this way - perhaps that was wrapped up in my anxiety about getting older. i used to lament my birthday each passing year - god turning 23 felt the absolute worst for some reason. it’s funny now though - how i almost feel younger, lighter, now than i did. youth should be a feeling of unburdened peace right? ideally it would seem so - but the reality in our world today... youth is pain. youth is struggling. youth is stumbling through the dark and trying to figure out who the hell you are, who the hell you want to be. i still feel like i’m stuck in that place, that place of wonder - of reaching out, exploring, experiencing... i feel as naïve as ever despite the pain that courses through some of my life. 

so back to young forever - how does the song make me feel? it makes me feel at home. at peace. forever we can carry our youth, forever we can approach our lives with childish curiosity, with the energy to follow our dreams, with a dedication to our passion, and an and endless realization that change is the only constant in our lives. despite the ups and downs that might come with living with this mindset - i wouldn’t want to live any other way. what’s the point of continuing to grind hard every day in the cruel systems our society has built if we can’t at least say we did it with voracious appetite to experience fully our surroundings, emotions, and imaginations?

personal connection: it’s rather hard for me to nail down all of my personal connections to young forever. as i mentioned, i have a really strong connection to the story of peter pan. i’ll briefly explain why and how that plays in here - but i must warn you... if you’re uncomfortable with strangers oversharing on the internet, perhaps this isn’t the blog for you to read. i’m quite comfortable bearing my soul to people i don’t know. for some reason vulnerability has never been something i’ve struggled with - perhaps it’s the naivety i love about myself. anyways... here we go.

when i was 17 my best friend passed away from cancer. it was relatively quick. just a summer we spent together gossiping in a hospital room, machines beeping while we tried our very best just to giggle about boys and lament our torturous IB courses. i’d known her nearly my whole life. meeting in second grade - and bonding quickly over a love for the whimsy of peter pan’s story. we’d gush on the playground about flying away to neverland - where we could do whatever we wanted. explore, sing, fly. but she was gone then. gone far too soon. frozen in a youthful state in my mind. her passing is still the hardest thing i’ve ever been through in my life, and i’ve been through some scary shit. immediately when i hard young forever i thought about her. i thought about how she lived. she was fearless. the bravest and strongest person i ever knew, and still to this day, have ever known. knowing her - experiencing her soul - it changed me. once she passed away i had to be strong, my classmates looked to me as their rock, my parents forbid me to cry, everyone pushed me into adulthood way too quickly. i was just a seventeen year old girl. i was having a crisis - i wanted nothing more than to speak to my best friend as i navigated choosing my next steps after high school. but she wasn’t there, and i wasn’t allowed to feel. i was terrified. my youth was gone. nothing seemed fun anymore. youth became pain as i looked around at my peers who were back to normal in a matter of weeks. giggling with one another, moving along with life. i became a robot. quickly i threw myself into school work. i was already a high achieving student but i climbed higher. i worked harder. i had decided that for the life she couldn’t live, i would live it for her. i’d go to the best college i could, i’d do all the things i never dreamed i could. i’d do it for her. but i wasn’t living. i had let my youth go. i was fading away. just a shell. 

it’s funny. or perhaps it’s not. young forever is a comfort song. a comfort song with some incredible darkness in it. the anxiety in namjoon’s verse, yoongi’s speaking to hiding feelings - pushing forward despite what he carries, hoseok’s verse about letting himself go and just giving what he has to keep pushing. their words - that’s how i felt. the song dropped around four years after my friend’s passing. i needed it before then. although perhaps it wouldn’t have “saved me” because music doesn’t save, music gives us the strength and comfort we need to save ourselves (i’m not a fan of taking way my own agency in MY story), it might have offered me a light in an increasingly blurry world. 

a year prior to the song’s release i’d spent a summer in china. my life changed there. i lived with seven incredibly bright middle school girls. that experience, i never thought it would start to heal me the way it did. they were under immense pressure (the education system in china is total bullshit)... and they told me “caroline, youth is pain. it’s not beautiful. it’s a period where we struggle the most.” i’d never heard this. the typical western perspective is that youth is “the most beautiful part of life” - it’s where you fall in love, it’s where you get hurt and you pick yourself up, it’s where you find yourself, you feel invincible. but that’s just it - it’s also where you can get incredibly lost (like the maze in the video). not all of us experience youth without pain. this perspective helped me to heal. i wasn’t so alone - i wasn’t squandering my youth, sure - i was treading water - but that was okay. i could cry. i could feel. and so, at this point i began to write my own story again. rather than living for someone else, i decided to throw the book out the window, to pick myself and run like hell towards what i wanted. to accept the freefall of life. that’s youth. that’s the most beautiful part of life. the part where you free yourself from whatever chains society has on you. youth is only associated with being a child because that who should be the most free. when truly youth, youth is that period in your life when you learn to live for yourself, your dreams. dream, hope, keep going. don’t fucking stop.

so this brings us to 2016. i was weeks away from a new journey abroad when young forever dropped. i was doing better. life felt lighter. i still had a long way to go, but some things i’d gotten right. i gained confidence, i navigated my interpersonal relationships with more poise. etc etc. going to china the second time, it changed me more. i did things on my own i’d never dreamed of doing. crossing multiple national borders, making friends with people i couldn’t communicate with. i opened my heart to it all. and i fell in love with myself. for the first time. i fell in love with how completely i embraced my freedom and coupled it with my drive, my passions. that is what young forever is about. it’s about the struggle but the continued commitment to the state of mind that once you’re free - once you embraced that childlike state of being - you can achieve so much happiness. 

which brings us to now - how do i connect to the song now? much in the same way that i did before. carrying these emotions connected to this song so deeply into adulthood has been incredibly touching. i’ve matured with bangtan. from 2015 to now. i’ve only grown in how i embrace my youth. sure, i have to conform at times, play the adult, but the motto “dream, hope, keep going.” that’s what i live by. nothing can change that for me now. i’m still fucking lost, but i’m running like hell. i have my setbacks, my demons, my challenges, but i’ve never been so fucking free. that’s young forever for me. thank you for reading my story. 

song breakdown:

musically: something i truly love about young forever is that it’s really atypical in how it flows musically and the entire structure of the song. it’s creativity run wild - it’s a story and build. and i love that. it starts off slow, soft, with a sweet sadness. the highlight isn’t the backing track, it’s the honey rap voices. it’s absolutely perfect. understated and building. with each new voice that comes in the beat speeds up. it’s like running. which is fitting. because the story in the song is that of bangtan. the lyrics say it, the boys are worried - worried about how well they’ve done, when they’ll stop gaining success, concerned that all of this life will end, wondering who they are in this - the performance the journey. they are quite literally running towards their dreams. we see this in the song lyrically. 

once the chorus comes, we need an increased speed in the beat and the song picks up with the chanting of the mantra. “forever, we are young.” us together, bangtan and ARMY. the song fades into the beautiful clapping beat, the refrains of dream, hope, keep going. musically the song is beautifully understated in a way that can only draw out the listeners’ emotions and highlight the charged encouraging lyrics. the story here is clear and only more illuminated by the musical choices. 

vocally: young forever is such a treat. it’s a rap heavy song, but not in a way that takes away from the beautiful second half of the song which is full of beautiful vocal line refrains and ad libs. it’s a chant song. a comfort song. and perhaps that’s why it’s stuck with me for all these years as one of my ultimate favorite BTS songs. 

when the song begins we are greet by namjoon’s beautiful low rap register. he delivers the rap melodically slow. you can appreciate the way his voice carries emotion and the tempo of the beginning story, of the emotional journey the song embarks upon. following namjoon’s beautiful voice is yoongi. who assumes a slower rap style initially. he has a few parts where he treats us to shout rapping as well - which give us kind of a pleading emotion - we can hear his lament for the pressure placed upon him as he stands in the spotlight. finally, rapline is rounded out by hoseok - i’m gonna say it - this is one of hoseok’s best slow verses. he offers his usual spicy tone, giving the trap style endings to each line. the emotion hits it’s peak with the punch tones and hoseok’s strong committment to his lines expressing his desires, his drive. 

the second half of the song is dominated by the beautiful tones of vocal line. taehyung leads us into the chorus with his beautiful deep register, followed by jungkook’s high tones. the juxtaposition of their voices coupled by jin and backed by jimin’s beautiful melodies is absolutely stunning. rapline takes turns coming in with the refrain “dream, hope, keep going.” all of this mixed together is simply stunning. it’s like hope in vocal form. we have the low and the highs, the singing voices and the speaking refrains. most devastatingly is jimin’s forever ever ever - piercing the background of the song. highlighting the longing - the conviction - to youth - the spirit of it, the beauty of it. the chant portion of the song is also what makes this song so devastating to hear live. everyone comes in, blends together and makes the message resonate completely. 

lyrically: here. we. go. a DEEP DIVE. i think firstly, it’s important to start with the fact that we have a song, young forever, that was released as the epilogue to two devastating HYYH albums. HYYH was the epitome of youth themed albums. it encapsulated everything we associate typically with youth. love songs, songs about pain, songs about healing, songs about not being enough, songs about our dreams, songs about being lonely... it’s all there. both the beauty of youth and the beautiful pain of youth dominate HYYH pt. 1 and HYYH pt. 2. then, those messages, those themes, were sealed with epilogue: young forever. why? well, my feeling is this is bangtan’s way of leaving us with the reality that youth isn’t something that’s fleeting. it’s not an age or state in time. it’s something we carry within. it’s how we approach the things we confront in our lives, how we live and move forward through adversity towards our passions and dreams. 

now - with that out of the way it’s time to dissect some lyrics. there’s quite a lot here in the three rap verses so i truly hope to do them justice. 

namjoon’s verse starts like a story, “the curtain falls” the end of a performance, often used as metaphor for the end of a certain point in one’s life. “the curtain falls and i’m out of breath / i get mixed feelings as i breathe out” clearly the chapter that’s closing for him has been an exhausting one, but he’s not sure about moving forward even though now he has the time to finally reflect and see what he wants next. to me, this speaks directly to where bangtan was at this point in their career. they’d been through the bullshit - the trainee days, the ridicule, the exclusion from the typical korean music system... they’d made it. I NEED U had one awards, RUN did as well, 2016 bangtan had begun to see the fruit of their labor pay off - but with that, what’s next. where do they climb next? what’s to come? there’s that feeling of unease for namjoon. “did I make any mistakes today? / how did the audience seem?” are the next lines, bringing in that sense of reflection. even though now he can breathe - he worries, what’s his impact, how do people feel about what he’s given them, did he have shortcomings? these thoughts flood in and set the mood for the next steps forward. these questions only become more as the pressure continues. the next and final three lines of namjoon’s verse group well together and offer us much more hope that the foreboding in the start of the verse: “i’m happy with who i’ve become / that i can make someone scream with joy / still excited from the performance.” the peace in these final lines, it’s kind of like the rest of the song - starting with the hardship, the unease, what must or has been overcome - mellowing out to realization that things will keep going on. namjoon is at peace with where is at the end of this chapter, he is glad he can stand on this stage bringing smiles to faces, and finally - the buzz of just being able to do music, that remains with him through all of the constant pressure. something about these lines, they’re beautiful.

just like that, yoongi’s verse begins. he provides the same metaphor to the listener. he is standing on an empty stage. the performance is over. the chapter is closing. HYYH is becoming the past for BTS. the struggles, will they be over too as they move forward with their progressing careers? “i stand on the empty stage while holding onto an aftertaste that will not linger for long” he begins - he knows that the high of this moment, the place they’ve reached in this time... it can’t be forever, the emotions of it all are beginning to fade into something else. he then moves on to offer some more insight into how he feels about that unknown of moving on: “while standing on this empty stage, i become afraid of this unpleasant emptiness.” this line seems telling to me - yoongi is someone that gets a lot from recognition, achievement, sharing his works with others. leaving the stage, moving away from this performance moment... it’s hard on him... he feels empty, his moment, his purpose - they’re over... at least for now. the anxiety seeps in. “within my suffocating feelings / on top of my life’s line” he starts to try and explain deeper his emotions, suffocation, a feeling of panic, likely anxiety or pressure induced. what’s next? will it demand more? he’s on top of his life’s line - he feels like he’s reaching his peak, not knowing where to go next, plateau? down? yoongi then lodges into almost a picture perfect description of what society can make us do in moments of pressure where we are feeling anxiety or panic - “without a reason, i forcibly act that i am fine / this isn’t the first time, i better get used to it” he’s going to put on a strong face, suppress how he really feels because at some point there could be another audience, he remains on the stage even if the curtains have closed. he forces himself to do so, and it’s a habitual thing for him. it sounds like truly this is habitual for yoongi - really needing to mask his fear, his panic, his anxiety for the sake of those watching. it tears me up, because it seems like he also knows that this will continue in his future. and the he realizes that keeping the mask on, it’s not something he’s able to do or perhaps interested in doing “i try to hide it, but i can’t.” the final lines of his verse leave us with some unease - they’re unclear - but perhaps they’re speaking to the fact that performing won’t be his forever... “when the heat of the show cools down / i leave the empty seats behind,” so at some point -- the excitement, the hype, it will be gone... those who want to see him, they’ll be gone too, and he’ll move on to what is next. or perhaps this could allude to the fact that the pressure of those watching goes away and he will finally feel comfortable? there’s a lot here. a lot left up and open.

and finally we round out rapline with hoseok’s verse - which leads us into the chorus and refrains. the first three lines of hoseok’s part go hand in hand with one another - they’re a natural progress of coping with one’s emotions and situation: “trying to comfort myself / i tell myself the world can’t be perfect / i start to let myself go.” the chapter is closing and hoseok is trying to tell himself, it’ll be okay. almost like listening to the song young forever - seeking comfort. a home. realizing that things aren’t always going to go his way, he can’t have this moment forever, and sometimes things are going to be ups and downs... the final line is perhaps the most startling, letting oneself go. realizing that there’s some pieces of yourself that are okay to let go, whatever is holding you back, keeping you stuck, sometimes we need to shed that to go forward with the youthful exploration that keeps life invigorating and exciting. or perhaps hoseok is thinking about the day in which he will let “j-hope” go and just be hoseok, without a stage in the traditional sense. “the thundering applause, i can’t own it forever” he moves on saying that this life won’t be his forever, at some point he will need to move on - realize that this moment is down, lose himself to it, and see what is next. yet - even with this knowledge hoseok continues “i tell myself, so shameless / raise your voice higher” it seems that there’s a conflict he’s facing - letting this moment go or screaming as loud as he can to hold onto it, and shamelessly so - letting go of all the constructed norms for how he should behave. perhaps, holding onto his YOUTH even as he grows older in age and should grow away from a youthful mentality. he is raising his voice and hopefully pushing forwards, perhaps just away from this stage and onto an even larger one. it seems this is the case “even if the attention isn’t forever, i’ll keep singing” he states. he will hold onto his passion, keep moving forwards with his music, his voice, his connection to whatever it is that wants to be connected to him - because this is his very soul and being. finally - hoseok closes out his verse “as today’s me, i want eternity / forever, i want to be young.” it seems that hoseok is choosing to be who he is at this moment, his youthful self, as long as he goes on. he will leave this version of himself, this beautiful, loving, hopeful version of himself as his mark on the earth for eternity. 

moving into the chorus we have the iconic title line “forever we are young” which to me, it’s about taking youth forward with you in all that you do. taking your passion, your drive, your love, your hope -- pouring it into all that you do and not letting the outside spoil you and take that from you. keeping your passions and running towards them. that’s the core of the message in young forever. 

jungkook then croons “under the flower petals raining down / i run, so lost in this maze” bringing us to think about how seasons change - flower petals can fall because of their abundance but also because they we are moving into winter. either way, the analogy of flowers is hopeful to me. blossoms on trees - the return in time. not the same blossoms, but just as beautiful as the previous ones. perhaps he’s speaking to the fact that the blossoms are falling now as the chapter is ending - which leads into the feeling of lost, of being in a maze... but the reality is, the flowers will come again. the can come again. so long as they keep running - there’s a chance for this beautiful moment to happen once again. that’s youth. perhaps you have your ups and downs, your moments in the sun (your spring days) and your cold days... but keep running, keep your energy, dream, hope, keep going. and you can return. 

jin then offers the other refrain “even when i fall and hurt myself / i endlessly run toward my dream.” THIS is youth. this is it. that almost stupid attitude of not recognizing when you’re down and out... not recognizing when perhaps you should stop. turning up the energy at your weakest point even when authority is telling you to let it go. this is the essence of youthful hope and energy. even if they’ve failed, even at their lowest point, they’re cementing that they won’t stop until they achieve their dreams. once again. dream. hope. keep going. just keep fucking going. 

finally the other refrain that is repeated throughout the chorus: dream. hope. forward. forward. is the direct translation. but, many would say it’s dream. hope. keep going. this is youth. our dreams, childish and pure. our hope, what we pour into ourselves, what we surround ourselves with - the light that keeps us going. and then constantly moving forward continuing even when our odds look bad. this shit resonates. bangtan did it. they dreamed, 7 boys at a small company. they hoped, holding onto one another, working hard, baby steps forward. they kept going. no matter the ridicule, the setbacks, they pushed forward. these words - they mean the world to me as i’ve pushed through shit in my life. i’m only where i am today because i, by some miracle, internalized this youthful mantra. allowing myself to dream, those moments of hope, pushing forward no matter what. that’s youth. that’s young forever. 

performance: well this is shaping up to be quite a long post. i want to discuss both the MV and how live performances typically proceed. i’ve also attached to this post my personal video of young forever at the HYYH: the epilogue tour in macau. sorry for my screaming in advance. 

MV: the MV is really interesting for the HYYH universe, although the same could be said for save me, which is technically in the universe... BUT the fact that the MV steps away from the storylines and almost takes us into the minds of the characters bangtan is playing is an interesting choice. we start off the video with the boys in a chain-linked fence maze, wandering around, and flashbacks for each of there characters. the overall aesthetic of the video fits with the lyrics and these feelings of uncertainty... the feeling of being lost... wandering from phase to phase in life. early on we see a scene of yoongi burning photos from the HYYH era - truly this song is about death to the past a new beginnings, overcoming the past but moving forward with the pieces of you that are important. the highlighting of the text “꿈 희망 전진 전진” or dream, hope, keep going - making it the mantra of the song. keep moving, keep running. almost it seems like the characters are running away from their demons as well. the members running off into the sunset together? it’s all about endings. new beginnings. but taking them on with determination and an attitude of childlike awe, glee, dreams, and determination. 

performance: we’ve all seen the iconic wembley performance. we’ve probably all cried over it more than once. maybe it’s your comfort video? maybe it’s secretly mine (ha!). i can tell you, experiencing this song live... there’s really nothing like it. it’s understated. there’s no dance. nothing like that. 

in the performances - namjoon appears alone in a starlight stage with the lyrics scrawling on a screen behind him. the lights are all dark, deep blue tones everywhere, it feels dreamy. the entire crowd is brought into a dream like state. it’s fitting, its absolutely fitting and incredibly stunning. yoongi then appears to namjoon’s left and hoseok to his right to be spotlighted for their respective verses. the emotion is everywhere. the song is even more incredible with a live band. you cannot imagine it. the chorus arrives with a change in vibe, a beautiful sunset is projected and the vocal line appears from the floor. all of the members stand shoulder to shoulder and belt the chorus and refrain. and you would not believe how devastatingly beautiful it is to hear ARMY shouting along. forever we are young. kkum, huimang, jeonjin, jeonjin. shouting together. again and again. clapping with one another. waving ARMY bombs. it’s completely emotional. i cried. i cried on the strangers next to me, that didn’t speak my language. there is nothing like it. 

i must also note, the concert i was at we were all distributed lightsticks and banners with 꿈 희망 전진 전진 written on them. this song has been important since it released. it’s the core of bangtan’s rise. it is so important to these boys. and to many of us fans as well.

now - a word about what happened at wembley. bangtan had no idea that ARMY would sing young forever TO them. at WEMBLEY. fans who likely do not speak korean. chanting their mantra to them “kkum, huimang, jeonjin, jeonjin” and singing “foreverrrrr we are younnnnng” and saying they will keep going. they will walk their journey towards their dreams. something about that, it’s incredibly toughing. you and i cannot imagine how that must have felt for bangtan. the moment must have been completely surreal. one of the world’s largest stages, playing one of the most meaningful songs of their careers - a song meant to memorialize their climb to fame, their accomplishments, their youth that they likely felt the LOST during this climb to where they are now. jimin himself said that night “this song. wow. this song helped me a lot when things were really hard.” young forever means so very much to bangtan. it always has. and their fans chose that very song. we chose that song (rather we were there or not). it’s our mantra too. whatever we go through, we are on this journey, and we are not alone. we are not alone. we can muster the strength to carry on with that same youthful zeal for life. watching that video... it’s moving. it’s completely incredible. to be a part of this journey... just wow. 

tl;dr: in conclusion... young forever is one of the BTS songs that has the most touching meanings, and it came at a very delicate time in their career. a time when they were finally getting the recognition they deserved and sought for a long time. a time when they were pivoting from “young” to “young adult.” a time when they likely struggled with a loss of their youth. all of this... it’s powerful because it’s not alien for those of us normal people. we all feel this. i’ve felt it as i’ve gone through tough shit and came out the other side changed, only to have to find my way through the maze and back to myself. youth and being young, it’s a state of mind. i think bangtan sincerely know and believe this. that’s what makes the song and the message it carries so incredibly powerful. so meaningful to us all. thanks for reading yet again. 

[midnightrooftops]

Batfamily: My Hero Academia AU

Done before? Probably. I’ve become obsessed with bnha (better late than never) so here’s my headcanons for a bafamily in the bnha verse. This was with the help of a friend.

Bruce Wayne | Batman Quirk: Shadow (not widely known) Bruce’s quirk is actually highly debated by the public. His name suggests he has a “bat” quirk and he leans into that as the playboy billionaire he is. But really, his quirk is a shadow quirk that allows him to hide and travel in shadows. 

He’s a unique hero in that even his personal identity is a mask. “Bruce Wayne” is a public face for Pro Heroes. Rated #2, he uses his wealth and prestige to do a lot of work outside hero work. Anyone that knows him knows that he isn’t the playboy he plays up for the press. People have a hard time remembering that his persona is a fearsome hero and many of his arrests go without proper credit. If he does make a public debut as “Batman”, it’s a campy, played up version that supports his personal identity. 

The way his false “Bruce Wayne/Batman” identity encourages heroing is a direct contradiction to the way he really is. He tries to minimize the message but after his parents were murdered by a villain, he attempted to the vigilante style. However, he found it wasn’t plausible with the way the world was evolving. He then turned to using his fame and wealth to make sure that any hero was better equipped. He has the leading company of support gear and will often gift gear to anyone in need of it, hero or not. 

Dick Grayson | Nightwing Quirk: Low impact Dick’s quirk makes him light on his feet, able to maneuver quickly over any terrain. It took years, but he’s been able to apply his quirk to any part of his body, not just his feet. The bounce his quirk gives him makes him hyper-reactive and able to spring into action faster than most anyone else.

Dick grew up in a circus, exploiting quirks for amazing physical feats but when his parents were killed, there wasn’t any place Dick could go. Taken in by the pro hero Batman, Dick learned from the best of the best at a young age and often accompanied his teacher on cases as young as twelve years old. This put him on the top of the charts when he got into hero school and he quickly rose to the “Top Three” of the school. By the time of graduation, he, Wally West and Donna Troy, had broken pro records. 

He has since made his own agency and brought on many sidekicks the media calls “titans”.

Barbara Gordon | Oracle Quirk: Information Gathering By look or touch, she can gather a huge amount of information about someone and their activities. She also has a perfect memory.

The daughter of the chief of police, Barbara sees the difference between “heroes” and police and hates it. She’s dedicated to bridging the gap between public law enforcement and the private job of “hero”. Somewhere along the way, she’s starting to understand the difference. She has a pro license but she stays out of the spotlight these days. She prefers to bring in the bad guy and doesn’t care who gets “credit” for it. 

Jason Todd | Red Hood Quirk: Phoenix (Unknown to almost everyone) Every time he’s burned, that portion of his body gets temporary stronger. Total regeneration results in partial mental instability.

Jason was thought to have a useless quirk - he was immune to fire. That didn’t stop him, however, from using it to the best of his abilities. Jason grabbed the attention of pro Hero Batman by stealing the tires off his car. As Dick had just graduated hero school, Bruce was looking for another young sidekick to mentor and teach. Jason was brash, hot-headed and, to put simply, not liked. The press tore the poor kid apart for his poor behavior, the hero community wouldn’t defend him and, while he DID get into the top hero high school, he was ostracized from the beginning because of his origins. 

Tragedy struck when, during an internship, Jason ran off to protect his mother and he was captured. A vote was submitted to the public, asking them to vote for his fate. While there was massive amounts of cheating and it was rigged from the start, it was still a terrible shock when the vote decided his death. Batman was not able to save the boy. 

However, the explosion made to kill him actually activated his quirk. While he burned, his body regenerated, stronger and he returned as the villain, Red Hood. Batman, after discovering his adopted son was still alive, kept his identity a secret and they have a public back-and-forth about heroes-verses-villains. Many don’t see Red Hood as a pure villain, but instead an anti-hero, taking out the worst of the worst. Have Batman or Nightwing teamed up before? Not publicly, but that’s neither here nor there.

Tim Drake | Robin/Red Robin Quirk: Memory Replay Touch activates memory of an object or person. The duration or clarity is dependent for how long that person/thing was touched and how connected it was to the events around it.

Tim never set out to be a hero. With the neglect of his parents, he had a lot of downtime and he saw the downward spiral of Batman/Bruce Wayne before anyone else did. Yes, a death of a sidekick was bad but Tim was predicting this years beforehand, seeing beyond Bruce’s public persona. His natural knack for information gathering had him saving the pro hero from doing something horrific. In exchange for his heroic deed, Bruce offered to train him. Always eager to learn more, Tim accepted and was eventually accepted into a hero academy.

This new path on the road to becoming a hero would eventually lead to the death of his parents and being adopted by Bruce. But for the time being, he’s trying to find his place in the “hero” world as a relative outsider. 

Cassandra Cain | Black Bat Quirk: ???

The daughter of villains, breed to be the best assassin in the world, Cassandra was raised in isolation, taught by killers and knew little of the world until coming to Gotham. After her first kill, she fled her teachers and sought something better.

She was one of the most important people involved in the earthquake of Gotham, saving two-thirds of the survivors by herself. The press never knew she existed so she went unrecognized. Bruce adopted her secretly and keeps her hero activity away from the press. He worked with the police to clear her past crimes. Now, she’s focused on understanding the world around her and making the best of her quirk. 

Stephanie Brown | Spoiler Quirk: Deconstruction Anything she touches can be deconstructed, depending on the size of the objects and how long she holds it.

Nothing disgusts Stephanie more than villains. Her father has been in and out of prison her entire life and the news knows him by name. She hates it. It’s made her life a living hell. She hates it more that she shares his same quirk. 

She knew she would never be a hero. Despite her submissions, no hero school would take her and she was forced to a regular public high school with the same bullies as before. But she’s made it a habit to spoil her father’s plans. After being let down by heroes in her past, she takes it upon herself to make sure none of her father’s plans work. Call her a vigilante. This, of course, spiraled to ruining his villain-friend’s plans and, well, being in the wrong place at the wrong time may be habit for her now.

She met Tim and Cass while doing her very illegal night activities and, despite their warnings, they haven’t turned her in yet. She’s learned how to be a better “hero” from them and they, in turn, seem to appreciate her tips about the underground. 

Damian Wayne | Robin II Quirk: Regeneration He can regenerate from wounds. Total amputation may take time to regenerate but will grow back slightly stronger. 

Unknown to the press, Damian is the son of Bruce Wayne and the villain Talia al Ghul. While his parent’s relationship is complicated, he has been nothing but tenacious when it comes to fighting evil, even at the age of twelve. Much of the public regards Damian as the next “Jason Todd” but Damian is adamant about proving himself. Even with his “older brother” at hero school, Damian isn’t interested in waiting for regulations to let him do what he was trained from birth to do. He’s been known to cause problems for local police and heroes alike more than once. 

[link-is-a-dork]

You know something, you've had a love of the Zelda series since you were a little girl, ever since Ocarina of Time came out, but I don't think I've ever asked you why you, specifically, love it so much. Like, what made this your lifelong obsession when it comes to gaming? I guess it just never occurred to me because when we were kids, it was just as much a part of my life as it was yours, so it's like one of those "it's all I've known" kind of things.

Rose you opened up a can of worms that even I wasn't ready for. You expected a few sentences? Nah you get an essay with more effort put into than anything I've ever done in school.

I don't even think I covered it all.

Your interests as a kid can heavily influence your interests as an adult. I grew up with Ocarina and Majora and just kept following the series.

I don't know I guess it is a "it's all I've known" thing for me as well but it's one of those VERY few game series I follow adamantly. Kingdom Hearts is another one I love for the characters and their personalities and connections, but that was part of my life into my mid teen years, not since I was 5 like LoZ (and Resident Evil).

I don't know. I just really enjoy playing them, the simple stories with a random gut punch of depth here and there, the characters, the familiar gameplay with a fun gimmick (let's stop pretending gimmicks are inherently bad).

Link may be a blank slate of a character but sometimes he shows his own personality, while subtle at times. Link is a hero you can't help but admire. He's diligent in some games, but a goofball in others. He's a loving brother and grandson, embarking on a personal journey to save his sister and he finds himself on a quest to save the world as well. Or he may be skilled yet gentle warrior with a soft spot for children and animals, a farm boy chosen by the gods, destined for greatness.

The Hero of Time, a young, lonely hero with many faces who can't save everyone no matter how hard he tries. Forgoing his own happiness, he carries the burden of the dead to bring happiness where he can and prevent the end of the world after already doing it once.

A lazy schoolboy with impeccable skill at swordplay and lofting flight, dealing with everything from school bullies to the embodiment of evil itself. His love for his best friend being his motivation.

A teenager who just wants to go home, shipwrecked on an island that only exists in the dreams of a god. His desire to leave supersedes the lives of people who weren't even real but the bonds he made with them were.

An amnesic who's either a trash gremlin who eats dirt and frogs, running through a thunderstorm buck naked, or a stoic knight, set on sealing the great evil away alongside the princess, as is his duty. His personality is truly your personal choice.

In several cases, Link's motivation is saving someone he loves, be it family or friends, but fate and circumstances have something more in mind for this young man with humble beginnings.

~

Zelda herself is so different each game as well. She may be a dainty princess who seeks help, using what power she can to call to you in the dead of night. A young woman hidden in plain sight, guiding you through your journey even if it isn't obvious to some. A respected child pirate who's got a heart of gold, and captain of a loyal crew at her beck and call. Your best childhood friend who just wants to go to the fair and maybe see a magic rodent.

Your best friend and classmate who will ALWAYS be your Zelda even if she's a god.

A wise ruler who knows surrender will save her people if only for a time until someone on the outside can help, but she is also incredibly adept in battle in her own right, shooting Ganondorf while STANDING ON THE BACK OF A GALLOPING HORSE.

A young woman, pressured by her desperate father into unlocking a power she can't, anxious to help in any way she can. Starting off as an overwhelmed brat and growing closer to her appointed knight, finally unlocking her god given powers when it's seemingly too late. Zelda may not be in the spotlight most times, but she's important.

Your various companions, like them or hate them, are another thing that I like when they're there. Navi, the fairy assigned to guide the Kokiri who doesn't belong, is the only constant on Link's journey in Hyrule, wordlessly parting ways when her job is done. A powerful old man cursed by his own apprentice, Ezlo learns humility throughout your journey and leaves you with a parting gift to remind you of your time together.

A deposed princess angry at the world, Midna is cursed into the form on a catty imp by the very man who stole her rightful place on the throne. When kindness is given to her on her deathbed, her motivation is less about her and more about the lives of her own and Hyrule's people.

An emotionless android by design, Fi is knowledgeable on everything in the world, in the sky and below. During your journey, her stoic disposition is broken only once, as she tells you her understanding of happiness before saying the two words you've heard countless times on your journey, and hides away into the newly forged Master Sword one final time.

~

The antagonists have I less to say about but they're there. Disconnected from reality, Zant is a greedy, false king among a people who have been conditioned to have no selfish desires, only able to usurp the throne by using a power he didn't earn. Ghirahim is an eccentric leader of monsters, a dedicated tool to the evil demon king who started it all. He is a force to be reckoned with who relishes in the suffering of others.

Vaati is an arrogant mage who seeks a magical force to grow more powerful. Skull Kid felt abandoned and forgotten by his friends, so he made new ones and stole an evil relic with more power than he could handle. He had no idea what he was in for, in the end he was not wearing the mask, the mask was wearing him.

Ganondorf's motives for power and control are kind of the same in his every appearance but in Wind Waker at least his motive is understandable. Instead of power for the sake of it, he wanted to help his people, but it seems he approached it in the wrong way and went astray. His greed doomed his people and he was blind to the destruction he caused. My enjoyment of Ganondorf is surface level, not much depth for the most part.

I probably put more into this than necessary but my feelings and interpretations are why I love this series. I love the characters, companions, the settings. The game may primarily focus on swordplay but with all the fun tools at your disposal, you can play how you want.

[linkspooky]

Touya is Dead, Dabi is Here.

Dabi is the foil to Endeavor. His villainous foil. However, not everything is about Endeavor. Let’s shove him to the side for a second. Dabi is also the villainous foil to himself, in a stranget twist and turn of events. Dabi has a villain persona that he plays up, he’s trying to show everyone that he’s the monster created by Endeavor’s monstrous actions, but I think he’s also playing himself as the opposite of Touya, the villainous foil to Touya’s once heroic ambitions. Touya was supposed to die, but Touya lived. Now, Dabi is trying to destroy everything Touya is, by embodying the opposite of everything Touya was. 

1. The Child Who Didn’t Get Saved

Touya’s remembered in a certain way by his family members. Endeavor doesn’t even seem to pity the child who died on his watch, so much as he pities himself. He pities the fact that he didn’t get to raise his son up into a successor. When he sees the scarred up Dabi still alive in front of him, he doesn’t feel happiness that his long dead son is alive, or even pity for the monster covered in burns. 

His first thought is disappointment, that Dabi didn’t grow up into what he wanted him to be. Natsu remembers the crying child that always clung to him, but he probably has the most realistic view of his brother. Someone who was suffering under his father, and someone whose pain shouldn’t be forgiven or swept under the rug. Whereas Fuyumi and Shoto who were both less close to Touya, don’t even seem to know how to talk about him, or how to feel. 

Touya is in the eyes of others around him, either a sad and tragic case. A crying child in need of saving who unfortanately did not get saved. Or he’s just not talked about at all. I’m not going to talk about Shoto and Fuyumi because of course they don’t know how to feel about the death of their own brother, and their mom who they’ve been seperated from for a decorated they’re coming to terms with all that slowly but... not only did society as a whole forget about Touya but, Endeavor too. He doesn’t really see Touya. He just sees an unfortanate lost child. He sees a son who he wants to come home. Touya died so young, and so suddenly that his feelings aren’t really recognized. Nobody really knows Touya, and the Touya they all understand is the sad child he used to be. The sad, pitiful, tragic, child. 

And is it any wonder that Touya doesn’t want to be this person anymore? That Dabi denies being this person? If all Touya used to be was a sad child, constantly crying, who was never good enough no matter how hard he tried. Then wouldn’t it make sense that Dabi wouldn’t want to be this person anymore? 

It’s painful being Touya. Touya is vulnerable, a child who couldn’t do anything about his situation. A child who tried so hard he ended up burning himself. Not only is Touya vulnerable, he’s frail, weak, all the things Dabi doesn’t want to be and all the things his father found worthless. Touya has flames stronger than anyone, but a weak constitution to go along with it, so much so he always ends up hurting himself with his own fire. It’s pretty obvious to see that Dabi is in pain, everyone else around him except for Dabi himself seems to notice it. He’s covered in burn wounds at all times, he’s literally constantly smoking, and just barely stitched together. Yet, Dabi denies being in pain, and through doing that, he denies himself. 

2. That Child Grew Up Into An Asshole

Denial is a coping mecahnism.  Refusing to acknowledge that something is wrong is a way of coping with emotional conflict, stress, painful thoughts, threatening information and anxiety. Rather than simply being vulnerable, it’s sometimes easier to deny that you are ever vulnerable atall. Especially for people like Dabi who spent long periods in their childhood feeling helpless and week. 

From the moment a baby comes into the world, forming attachments to parents or other caregivers is critical to a child’s emotional, physical and psychological development. For an infant, having a gentle and responsive caregiver provides the nurturing a child needs to grow into a healthy adult. A cared for child develops self-esteem, feels secure in exploring the world around him or her and has a strong foundation for understanding how to build healthy relationships later in life.

But if those earliest relationships break down, the child may experience what is known as abandonment or neglect trauma.

One way of coping with this trauma is to be entirely self sufficient. To basically close up, never need to rely on other people ever, and therefore never open up. Basically, what Dabi denies more than anything else is his vulnerability, even though it’s obvious he’s in pain. 

Vulnerability, after all is the reason he got abandoned. Touya was tossed to the side because he was too weak. Therefore, in an effort to be strong Dabi denies feeling any pain at all, and in the process shuts out his other feelings. He also denies anything, his connection to his family, any feelings of guilt or remorse he might have.

Self-denail, and self-abuse, it’s the same reason kids from bad homes end up acting irresponsibly and abusing drugs, it’s all a fancy way to hurt yourself. 

If overthinking about things causes him pain, causes him to break Dabi’s solution is to simply not think about things. If being Touya is too painful for him, then Dabi chooses not to be a person and plays up the monster. 

It’s almost like Dabi and Touya are two separate people stitched sloppily together, but they’re coming apart slowly at the seams. Dabi pretends to be a remorseless villain when facing off with Endeavor, but then in front of the crowds when he’s begging for sympathy he shows off all of his burns, sits politely, and presents a character that is much more human making his case that he killed innocent people but he did so with reason, for a good cause. While, the same Dabi instead of Endaevor seems to just want to burn everything for the fun of it. The point being that, Dabi contradicts himself a lot. He argues with himself. 

It’s because Dabi is putting on deliberate acts. He’s changing himself based on the audience. It’s just that he’s also not as good of an actor as he thinks he is. However the performance seems to be pretty consistent at least for the most part, he wants everyone to regret what Touya became because of Endeavor’s abuse so he purposefully makes himself into the opposite of everything Touya was. Touya wanted to be a hero to carry on his father’s legacy, Dabi is a villain dedicated to completely destroying his father’s reputation and leading him to ruin. 

Touya was known for being particularly close to Natsuo, not only playing with him all the time, but confiding in him. Touya must have been a good big brother to Natsuo if Natsuo misses him so much. Yet, Dabi acts like Natsuo is nothing special, just another casualty in his revenge on Endeavor. 

Touya was someone always working hard to earn Endeavor’s attention and please him. Dabi seems to only want to bring about Endeavor’s ruin and think of ways of hurting him. There’s a certain irony in Dabi being so laser focused on Endeavor, because once again you reap what you sow. Endeavor wanted to raise his child to exist solely for his purpose, to carry on his legacy, to center everything around Endeavor’s needs rather than to care for another living human being with needs of his own and that’s what he got - someone who is singularly laser focused and obsessed with bringing him down. Even if Touya is still obsessed with only Endeavor to the point of forgetting the rest of his family, that’s literally just a symptom, a side effect of child abuse, of Endeavor raising Touya with the expectation that he had to please him.

Touya was a kid who is always crying, and Dabi seems to have no feelings at all. Once again, always, always he presents himself as the opposite of everything that Touya was and wanted to be. 

Dabi denies that he is Touya, and therefore denies that he is in pain. 

He pulls his brother close, and hugs him, and then does the opposite of what a big brother is supposed and hurts his younger brother instead of protecting him.

It’s not just Dabi being the opposite of Touya, it’s almost like he’s doing everything he can, to  burn up and riun Touya’s memory. To deny that any part of him ever was Touya. 

Dabi is in denial, but also I think some part of Dabi is aware of his denial. Like I said, he contradicts himself. He says that these are Endeavros’ flames, then just as easily he says “no duh, it’s obvious I’m not Endeavor.” 

I think Dabi realizes what he is doing, it’s just at the moment he believes he has to do this. It’s the only way. Whatever, Dabi is hoping to achieve, the radical reform of society, the destruciton of the hero system, it’s more important the feelings of his family, and more important than his own feelings. 

However, if those feelings are there it means Dabi isn’t without hope. There’s still a human side to Dabi. Dabi is still Touya, the same way Shigaraki is same Tenko. Their child selves died, but they never did die. Dabi is trying to be pure evil, but parts of him are still good he’s just suppressing himself. 

I think what Dabi needs to realize is that his hurt feelings, his feelings of vulnerability, are just as important as the strength he fights with. He needs both parts of himself in order to live on, weak little Touya and villainous Dabi. I don’t think Dabi will turn into a 100% good person, but as for character development the same way that Shoto is learning to reconcile his two disparagent sides, his ice and his flames. I hope that Dabi learns that he’s still Touya, while being Dabi at the same time. He’s not a villain, he’s someone capable of being both good and bad. It’s only that way he can learn to live on as Touya, rather than hoping to die and drag his father to hell with him as Dabi. 

[littlemisssquiggles]

So, had a thought about Oscar finding the False Rose: what if she's a SEW too? And she's part of a Silver-eyed Warrior tribe that hides out in Vacuo? Ruby's been framed as the only functional SEW in the past, and that was part of her that made her unique. If Oscar found another SEW, then she wouldn't be "unique" in that sense. But it would bring hope in that it's Ruby herself Oscar loves, and that there are more SEWs out there. What do you think?

Pinehead Headcanons: Oscar’s Other Rose III: The Desert Rose 

Hiya Miki-chan. Y’know believe it or not, I was actually having this same discussion with @jealouscartoonist once upon a time and I believe it was JC who concocted the brilliant concept of…what if…the Summer Maiden turned out to be another silver eyed huntress just like Ruby? While I certainly love the thought of there being a secret tribe of Silver Eyes who have lived in secrecy out of fear of facing mass genocide or worst by the hands of the wicked witch who has preyed on their kind for centuries, allow me to combine JC’s concept with yours just a little bit.

Imagine if…Oscar does meet another silver eyed huntress in Vacuo---another rose who is the last of her kind---who is connected to the Summer Maiden? Do you know what would actually be really compelling? What if...this Other Rose shares a lot of similarities with Ruby than just her eyes?

Not only does she possess silver eyes and sort of reminds Oscar of Ruby in terms of personality (maybe Lindsey Jones could play a double role and voice this Other Rose too to get that going on) but let’s say…this Other Rose is in line to become the next Summer Maiden because the current Summer Maiden is her mother.

Remember all those fan theories about Summer Rose being the Summer Maiden? Well let’s say …that this Other Rose’s mother isn’t a silver eyed warrior like her daughter but instead, the girl inherited her eyes from her deceased father who, much like with Ruby, was killed when the Other Rose was too young to remember but she knows of the kind of man her father was through the stories her mother used to tell her about him as a little girl. Sound familiar?

I think it would be pretty cool to see a RWBY character who is the offspring of a Silver Eyed Warrior and a Maiden. One thing I’ve been curious about in respect to the Maidens is if they were ever allowed relationships or just live a life of celibacy. Thus far the longest living maiden has been Freya and the assumption is that she had no family.

So for once in RWBY, I’d love an example of a maiden who was either permitted to have children (as a form of grooming like what Ironwood did with Freya and Winter) or unintentionally had one. Like imagine if…in her youth, after she first became chosen, the current Summer Maiden tried to abandon her role as Maiden and run away, much like the Spring Maiden. However her ventures only led her to trouble. Let’s say…in her youth, the Summer Maiden was saved by a mysterious man who became her protector. The two fell in love and had a child together. But ultimately, it was revealed that this man was a Silver eyed Warrior who ultimately lost his life trying to protect his family when his “executioners” came looking for him.

Let’s say…before he died, this male Silver Eye warned the Summer Maiden about the true fate of his people---how Silver Eyes lived short lives that ultimately led to death and he shares these fears with his beloved Maiden after the two learned that their beautiful new-born daughter shared her father’s unique trait.

Therefore, after her beloved was killed, for the sake of keeping their daughter safe, the Summer Maiden begrudgingly went right back to the Vacuo Society tasked with ensuring her livelihood, not for herself but for the safety of her child.

Give me a maiden story like this one since I believe it would be nice to be explored. 

And much like Ruby, this Other Rose---this Desert Rose as I’ll dub her--- shares an unyielding love and devotion to her maiden mother. And despite the Vacuo Society dubbing her as her mother’s successor (seeing maiden ship as her sole purpose in life), this Desert Rose is rebellious and doesn’t wish to become a maiden at all; instead dedicating her life to acting as her mother’s guardian and protector despite her young age at just fifteen years old because, as a silver eyed huntress and daughter of the Summer Maiden, the Desert Rose doesn’t want to become her mother’s heir since she doesn’t want to lose her mother. She loves her too much.

But this is just me giving the Desert Rose more story outside of just being the Other Rose. Of course, as the Other Rose, I like the thought of the Desert Rose immediately taking a  strong romantic interest in Oscar from the very moment the two met---mirroring Oscar’s almost instant infatuation with Ruby after he first laid eyes on her back in Mistral.

For me, I like the concept of the Desert Rose being the “version of Ruby” who the audience actually sees reciprocating romantic interest in Oscar that is blatantly obvious. As obvious as his crush on Ruby.

I like the thought of this Desert Rose pursuing Oscar but he either pays her no mind or acts oblivious to her feelings since he only sees her as an ally since his heart was still tied to Ruby.

As a matter of fact, I have this theory for V9 where Oscar becomes almost obsessed with finding Ruby (and the others) refusing to believe that they’re truly gone. It even gets to a point where one of his close allies---like Emerald perhaps since she’s more blunt---start to encourage him to give the Desert Rose a chance after noticing that Oscar’s search was causing him more distress than ever since it often led him to failure and grief.

And while Oscar does heed Emerald’s advice and agrees to try opening up to the Desert Rose, ultimately he isn’t able to reciprocate the feelings she has for him. Ultimately the little prince isn’t able to open his heart to the Other Rose since his heart had already been tamed by his true rose long ago. It didn’t matter if the Desert Rose reminded him of Ruby. She wasn’t Ruby and could NEVER replace her in Oscar’s heart. She wasn’t his rose. The one he truly loved and wanted more than anything to be reunited with before his time as himself trickles out.

Bonus if Oscar makes this realization after having a casual chat with Fox Alistair of Team CVFY or perhaps…more fittingly, Lie Ren since he is closer affiliated with Oscar as his teammate and given his new semblance ability.  

Words cannot fathom how much this squiggle meister wants Oscar to be the key to aiding Ruby’s return back to Remnant with their friends. 

Oscar could be Ruby’s version of the ruby red slippers or in his case, ruby red boots to bring her back home. I also would love to see Oscar’s desperation to reunite with Ruby become a driving force of his story for V9 which correlates with his true fears of the Merge.

But yeah, in terms of Another Rose in the story and to add another idea to this oldie but a goodie of a Pinehead headcanon, that’s my additional 5 cents. What do you think Miki-chan?

~ LittleMissSquiggles (2021)

[tothedarkdarkseas]

The way Vampire AU has taken off has really warmed my heart! So many great thoughts all round. I sent you some elaborations on my own personal headcanons for it as a submission, just for the fun of it. Enjoy!

Hi! I got your submission last night and read over it-- it's very elaborate, you've clearly put a lot of thought into fleshing this AU out and it sounds like a ton of fun. I know you mentioned at the end that you had no intentions of writing it because you're busy with other fandom projects, but I'm sure there are many who'd be interested in reading your ideas if you ever decided to make a sideblog for it. I'll post your submission for others to read below a cut here so that the post won't be too long on the dashboard, and I'll reply to some of the specifics underneath!

Yes! I have so many more thoughts on a vampire AU, I figured it would be easier to put them in a submission. Hope you don't mind.

The concept is just so fascinating to me, because so much of it lines up perfectly with the character dynamics we're given in the canon, and what doesn't has the potential to expand on and explore those dynamics in a really interesting way.

I agree 100 percent about the tone it would have to be written in. An actual brooding, dark prince Murdoc type of thing wouldn't work for me. (Murdoc would try to play up that persona, but in reality, he'd be far from it.) In my mind, the tone would be half What We Do In The Shadows and half Being Human UK. Four misfits living in a mouldering mansion somewhere, getting on each other's tits - but deep down they've got each other's backs. There's a bond, even if they can't quite explain what it is.

In my mind the bloodlust would function as an addiction. Murdoc is no Mother Theresa but he's not comfortable with indiscriminate murder either. (Guilt and self-loathing is not a good combination in Murdoc.) Knowing there is no in between for vampires - you can't have a sip here and there, it's abstinence or nightly slaughter - he stays teetotal from blood and tries to channel his desires into other addictions instead. Any and every addiction, really. Drugs, booze, sex, theft, you name it. Which is how he comes to be doing donuts in a stolen car in a Tesco car park, at the exact same time Stuart Pot is making a midnight run for condoms and Tango.

I picture Murdoc's turning of Stu would be this confusing moment that even he can't fully explain, so he's always switching his story about it. One day he'll say he didn't want to deal with the police, another day it'll be vampire enforcers he was afraid of - "total killjoys, they'll bung you in a blood-filled coffin for a hundred years over the TINIEST infraction". Other days he comes close to admitting he felt guilty, that he flipped out over the idea of killing someone after all, when he's dedicating all his energy to avoiding doing just that. Sometimes he just calls it a moment of madness.

But in every vampire movie, there's that moment. The moment where the newly-turned vamp rises from the grave as this beautiful unearthly creature of the night, and I mean . . . this absolutely would be Murdoc's experience of it. He's almost convinced himself there aren't real vampires like that, that it's all Hollywood bollocks, and then Stu rises up in front of him like some black-eyed, blue-haired god, and the part of Murdoc that isn't utterly gobsmacked by it can't help resenting the little sod for making it look so easy. Murdoc likes to take the piss out of him and claim he's like one of those Lost Boys California pretty boy vampires, but he's jealous really.

I imagine Murdoc would be similarly mercurial about how he was turned. There's always some hyperbolic story about it, designed to paint Murdoc in the best light. Sometimes he was the premier occultist of his day. Sometimes he sold his soul to the devil for immortality. Sometimes he was turned by a beautiful vampire seductress, who was bitter he broke her heart. It's all bollocks. The truth is definitely something less glamorous, and I would imagine actually much sadder as well? I'm not sure what, but I'm picturing something like Murdoc's father being some small-time occultist who sold his son to vampires, or maybe Murdoc was working some menial job and was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. Maybe he was turned by some vampire who would have drunk him dry, if Murdoc hadn't fought him off. Or maybe it's a bit of mystery, like the mystery of his mother in canon. Someone did this to Murdoc, someone made him what he is, but he has no memory of it. And all the different stories are actually partly a coping mechanism for that, as he tries on different explanations for size. (It would also explain why he would refuse to abandon Stu after turning him. Because navigating this new reality alone is something he wouldn't wish on anyone, even some dumb kid.)

I think the supernatural element would also be a great way to expand on and deepen Murdoc's relationships with Russell and Noodle. In supernatural fiction there are always two types of beings that hate each other. Usually vampires and werewolves, but often vampires and ghosts too. As, obviously, vamps can't drain ghosts, and they spend their lives running from the guilt of all the people they've killed. Ghosts are a constant reminder of that - and of the afterlife they both fear, and resent that they were denied. I can picture Russell maybe helping Murdoc exorcise the ghost of Hannibal or Jacob, and that's how they meet. (And why he has more patience with Murdoc than most. He's seen him at his most vulnerable.) Noodle would be great as a vampire hunter too. Her dynamic with Murdoc would be fraught as on the one hand, she respects Russell and venerates him for his connection to the spirit world, so to a certain extent anything he says she'll try to respect. And Murdoc is supposedly reformed, and she has moments where she even almost quite likes him. But her instinct is not to trust him. Her instinct is to put him down, and they both know it. As much as he battles his bloodlust around her, she battles her urge to put a stake through his heart, Van Helsing style.

Finding out he turned someone would be a MAJOR ruck in their relationship. But I think Murdoc would use 2-D to convince her and Russell to stick around - because he turned him, but it wasn't like he was chowing down on the lad, it was practically an act of charity, really. Practically an act of atonement. And if they both leave now, Stu is only left with Mr Bad Influence Murdoc Niccals, to teach him how to be a vampire, and restrain his urges and whatnot. And Murdoc has never been much good at all that AA, 12 step stuff, so unless they WANT poor sweet Stuart Pot to wind up spending eternity as some kind of crackhead . . . it would be a kindness to him, really, to stick around.

I could not agree more about how Murdoc turning Stu would mirror their Phase Two dynamic, with Stu literally having become "the thing Murdoc turned him into", and resenting that. But also, having moments of perverse gratitude for it? Stu is vain, and vampire Stu would be gorgeous, which I reckon he'd love. And though I think he'd hate that his normal life of footy with the boys and Sunday dinner at his mum's was over, I can also imagine him feeling this whole new world has opened up in front of him, something most people aren't special enough to gain entry to. And he likes that.

I can even see the fame thing and the band happening. Music would be a great, healthier way to channel the urges he can't act on. And I can see Murdoc agreeing. Admitting that he's been playing in bands for years, because it's actually a great cover for a vampire lifestyle. Being nocturnal is practically a prerequisite, when you're a rock star, and you can get away with looking all kinds of weird when you're in a band, because people just chalk it up to the aesthetic. Still, until he met 2-D, none of the bands he'd been in were actually any GOOD. 2-D reawakens his love of music, the same way he is the turning point for Murdoc's career in the canon.

Vampirism would also be a great way to explore Stuart's flaws. His vanity is an obvious one, but I can also see him avoiding his family and not letting them know why he'd disappeared for years. Just too self-absorbed to appreciate the harm it's caused. I can also see the pill problem happening as he imitates Murdoc's habit of abusing substances to try and blunt his bloodlust. I can imagine him saying stupid stuff like "you never even took me to the hospital!" and convincing himself he experiences phantom headaches, because he doesn't want to admit he's becoming just like Murdoc, actually. He tells himself the pills are medicine and he really needs them, and it's not the same at all.

And I can see him getting too carried away with his lusts, and having several near misses or disastrous incidents where he brings girls home and loses control of himself. Where Murdoc jumps in and saves it from getting too out of hand, but at the same time exposes how he's basically been stalking Stu "for your own protection", with a side of decidedly voyeuristic intentions. Stu has . . . strong (and somewhat confused) feelings about this.

I think Murdoc would be the same trouble magnet in the vampire underworld that he was in the criminal one. Feelings about Murdoc range from "this unwashed oik should NEVER have been allowed to become one of us" to "I WILL STAKE MURDOC FAUST NICCALS IF IT'S THE LAST THING I DO". Murdoc would definitely continue his streak of petty crime any time he entered the hallowed halls of the vampire hoi poloi. He'd be pilfering left and right. And I can't imagine he'd ever kowtow to the aristocracy, which, in a subculture as obsessed with class as vampires . . .  yeah, he's insolent, to say the least. And they hate it. They just hate Murdoc, generally. I imagine 2-D might consider crossing over to the dark side to join them, to spite Murdoc, before eventually he realizes that - amazing as it sounds - even Murdoc has higher moral standards than these people. Maybe he's better off with the devil he knows.

I love what you said about Murdoc and Stuart being hung by the same rope, for all eternity. That's exactly the dynamic I think a vampire AU would bring about. I also think Murdoc being Stu's vampire sire would be interesting in the romantic sense, as part of them would always second guess if that was the reason for the bond they feel. Are they developing feelings, or is all of this just the blood bond? I can imagine Stuart hating his own inability to judge why he feels so drawn to Murdoc, and I can see Murdoc trying to convince himself any possessiveness or pride or protectiveness he feels over Stu is just what all vampires feel when they turn someone. (Even though it's not.) It would be a potent brew.

Anyway, this was long but I will never have the time to actually write this (I have five WIPs in other fandoms already) so I thought I'd let it out somehow. Thanks for giving me the space to talk this over!

(If anyone wants to run with this and make something of it, by the way, have at it! Just credit me somewhere for the idea. That'd be good.)

This was quite a ride! I love the idea of Stuart Pot's mortal life ending when he's mowed down in a Tesco car park buying condoms and Tango. It's cruel to say it's what he deserves and frankly the complete antithesis of the whole conflict I'm begging for, but... it's what he deserves. I'm also very intrigued by the angle of treating bloodlust as an addiction: it could theoretically be overcome, but practically speaking, rarely is. This makes it easy to see how Murdoc spins off into such a cartoonishly extreme life of debauchery. I love the bit about Murdoc changing his story of what happened, both the night he hit Stuart and his own origin-- the difference being that Stu does know what happened to him, whether he ever chooses to believe Murdoc's ever-shifting justifications for it or not, but no one can ever really know where Murdoc came from except himself. I definitely agree that the truth has to be less glamorous, less thrilling, less worthy of tales and legends. I like Stuart and Murdoc best when they are not men born into greatness nor men born for greatness, not inherently, and I love the private grappling with the belief that they are special and the fear that they probably aren't. Your explanation of the foil-like dynamic between vampires and spirits/ghosts is interesting, I don't know if that's an established piece of vampire lore or if that's your own invention, but I think it's a really solid one. I don't know if I've truly seen those two creatures explored in a world together with such a direct emphasis on that ghoulish ecosystem, so to speak.

And, well, I'm quite predictable but I'm ready to invest $5k in a full novel exploring Stu's estrangement from his family and friends following the transformation, the psychological toll it takes to choose-- though he may feel he has no other choice at all-- to abandon those relationships, how his own descent may mirror Murdoc's as he shelters himself in chalk-tablet excess and a vibrant, at times frightful carnal life to distract himself from the guilt. I'm dying to see how he could approach mending those fences again after years away. It isn't something one sweeps under the rug, isn't something that he can make amends for. This sort of thing shatters a family, and in my imagining of Rachel and David, it certainly shattered his. This kind of permanently-marred family drama really captivates me and is something I don't think we should shy away from in stories about addiction, and it would be fascinating to explore the human element of that against the metaphorical monstrous one.

I love what you mentioned about the "blood bond" and how it factors into the pull between them they're too unsettled to really name. This adds an extra layer of confusion, as you say, and better justifies why they find themselves orbiting each other, pretending there's a blood-coloured chain tethering them and ignoring the heavy weighted padlock in the middle that pulls them down, down, down. I've spoken a lot on this blog about why Stu is participatory in the relationship when he dislikes Murdoc in such a profound way, and while I absolutely never tire of the messy, bleak human weakness and ego of that, it would be quite special to explore that with something that almost feels like an excuse for Stu, a macabre justification entirely out of his hands; it gives him permission to be part of this broken spiral and absolves him of the responsibility of acknowledging his choice. I'd like to think he still lives with it, as Murdoc does too, but they may appreciate the safety of the smokescreen as much as they struggle to see through it.

Thanks for sending me your ideas, I hope other readers will enjoy seeing your elaborations, and if you're having fun thinking about these two goons I'd encourage you to consider making a blog. Sometimes you get lucky and draw in people who are incredibly kind!

(Lastly, unrelated fun fact about vampirism in my life: my first job was playing a vampire at a haunted amusement park. Our "Scare Zone" was designed as a junkyard taken over by a vampire gang, and I was the "queen" with a throne made of old tires. It was... a fun job and also not a fun job, haha.)

[halfwaythereroyal]

Leave Us Here (Javier Peña x F!Reader)

GIF credit: @petercapaldi

Pairing: Javier Peña x F!Reader 

Rating: Explicit. Smut. Unprotected sex (PSA: no love without the glove). Oral F! Receiving. Fingering. Lots of pining. Kind of angsty. 

Word Count: 3,600 words.

A/N: Thank you to everyone who liked my first fic. After I saw the responses about “And You Are?” I started writing this in the middle of the night and did not stop until 4 AM. Please enjoy, and let me know what you think!

👑 All my writing will be posted to my side writing blog from now on! 👑

Masterlist

_____________________________________________

If you asked me how a friendly goodbye ended up with my body entangled with Javier Peña’s on this scenic, rainy night, I couldn’t tell you.

Well. I could try.

It had been months and months on end, working at the Colombian embassy as a CIA agent. I had become somewhat of Peña’s and Murphy’s liaison whenever they needed CIA intel. All good and well with me since it gave me an excuse to talk to Javier.

Oh, Javier.

At first, I didn’t think much of him. He acted like a fucking dick whenever he worked with CIA, so my first impression was marred with rumors and stories I had heard of him from our coworkers. How he was impatient, obsessed, disrespectful, and a womanizer. Having to be his liaison and neighbor confirmed all these qualities.

As time went on though, he and I became closer. Small talk turned into friendly banter. Fleeting interactions turned into intentional time spent together. Sooner rather than later, his annoying qualities became ones I admired. He wasn’t impatient. He was insistent. He wasn’t obsessed. He was dedicated. He wasn’t disrespectful. He treated you the way you treated him. He was willing to do what’s right even though it broke the rules. He wasn’t…well actually…yes, he’s a womanizer.

Getting to know Javi these past few months, I understood why he is the way he is. For a man who didn’t keep relationships for long, he craved them. I saw how much he loves his family. There were many times I sat in his passenger seat, eating street food, while listening to his many stories of his family back home. The way he lovingly talked about his family had me hooked on every word, every expression, every gesture he made. He contributed his inability to keep an intimate connection with a significant other to the dangers of his job. He couldn’t afford to endanger anyone else especially with his line of work. Escobar was ruthless and despicable, and there was no line he wouldn’t cross to save his own ass.

As time went on, Javier became the highlight of my day. I looked for him in the winding halls of the embassy. I listened for his door to open and close when he came home from a late night yet again. I found my heart beating a little faster and a little louder every time I caught a glimpse of him. I found myself replaying every interaction we have ever had, every word, every smile, and every touch. I talked about him to my friends and family more than I would like to admit. I was fucked. I had fallen for Javier Peña.

Peña being linked to working with Los Pepes did not come as a surprise. Javi had already hinted to me that he was willing to do whatever it takes to take down Escobar and his associates. Him being sent home, however, came as a much bigger surprise. It stung to think of not having him here. He had worked so hard, sacrificed so much, only to be sent home and not be able to see the fruit of his work. I couldn’t even bear to see him pack up his desk to leave. Instead, I actively avoided any type of interaction at the embassy for his last few days, knowing it would hurt too much to say goodbye.

The night before he was scheduled to fly out of Colombia, there was a loud knocking at my door. It had been raining all day in Bogotá, so I was curled up on my couch with my oversized sweats and wine in hand. I wasn’t expecting anyone. With all the violence that had been happening, a CIA agent can never be too careful. My body immediately went on alert. I gently placed my wine glass on the coffee table, grabbed my gun, and crept toward the door. There was another set of knocks, louder than the first.

“Y/N? It’s Peña!” I stood on my toes and looked through the peep hole. Damn it, Peña. Didn’t he notice I was actively avoiding him? I unlocked and opened the door to reveal his handsome face. He was wearing a blue button-up shirt, and jeans that always fit him too well. I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t noticed. Or stared.

“What are you doing here, Peña?” I asked nonchalantly. Can’t be too eager, now can I? In reality, a warm and tingling feeling had bubbled up in my chest. I turned around and walked back to the living room. I could smell his cologne. I could feel his gaze burning holes at the back of my head. Javi took this as his invitation to come inside. He shut the door behind him and laid a pack of beer on my kitchen table.

“I haven’t seen you at work lately” he said. I sat on the couch to face him, brought my legs up, and tucked my feet under me. I looked at him basked in the yellow glow of my kitchen light. His chiseled features emphasized by the shadows cast on his face. He stood next to my table with his hand still on the drinks. He had his face scrunched, so that he had those lines in between his brows. I’m pretty sure it was permanently set that way. No amount of jokes I made could make those lines from his face disappear.

“I was busy.” Actively avoiding him. I took my wine glass from the table and took a sip. I put my free arm to hang on the back of my couch. “What brings you here?”

He took a beer out of the case he brought and opened it. “I wanted to spend some time together. For old time’s sake. One last time before I have to go.” I nodded and gestured to the spot on the other end of the couch. He sat down, took a sip of his beer, and leaned back. He pinched his nose bridge and blew out a long breath that felt like he was holding it in for a while. The lines in between his brows relaxed, but they remained visible and faintly scrunched. I really do think they have been etched into his skin. Whenever he got exasperated like this, I could almost swear his lips get a bit poutier. I gripped the back of my couch to stop myself from curling into his side. This man who has risked everything was sitting on your couch, looking for comfort. I wanted nothing more than to close the space in between us and feel his body relax into mine. I wanted to share in his worries and successes. To be there at his side. The smell of his cologne was almost overwhelming, willing me to draw closer. All these longing thoughts were easily halted by one plain fact flashing at the forefront of my mind.

He was leaving.

There was nothing that could be done about that. Javi was going to be leaving the next day, and I was staying here. Before my thoughts could continue spiraling into a pool of pining and pity, he spoke.

“I wanted to say thank you,” he looked at me with those brown eyes. Eyes that I often found myself lost in when he would talk to me. Eyes that are emblazoned into my mind at night as I play and replay our conversation from the day. “Thank you for everything.”

“You made it easy, Peña. I’m really sorry you don’t get to stay.” He fell quiet and looked off into the distance. He took another sip of his beer, leaned forward, and placed it on the coffee table. He put his elbows on his knees, and put his face in his hands. Almost instinctively, I set my glass down, moved closer, and put my hand on his back. I felt his back tense at my touch, and I immediately took my hand off. “Sorry I…”

“No, it’s okay.” He leaned back again on the couch. We were a lot closer than I thought. If I leaned my head forward, I would be touching him. My senses were heightened more than ever. The feel of his thigh against my knees. The heat of his body radiating to mine. The smell of his cologne, cigarettes, and beer all mixed into one to form an intoxicating cocktail that took every ounce of my self-control not to lean into. He was looking into my eyes as if searching for something. He was furrowing his brows, and my eyes were momentarily drawn to the pout of his lips. I saw his Adam’s apple bob up and down. I could feel him leaning closer and closer to me. So much so that I could feel every breath he took on my face. My mind and body were going haywire. Overanalyzing yet ready to abandon all thought and reason at the same time

He brought his hand up to the side of my cheek where it trailed a path to my hair. I felt him playing with my hair as we leaned even closer. His other hand took ahold of mine and brought it to his cheek. Time halted. My mind, analyzing every move he made, fell silent. The silence that engulfed in that moment was tense, intimate, and almost suffocating. He leaned forward, and I tilted my head forward, leaning my forehead against his. “What are we doing?” I whispered. I refused to look into his eyes, afraid of looking into them and seeing the realization of how stupid this moment could be for us.

“If you tell me to stop,” he brought his finger to my chin and tilted my head forward, meeting my eyes with his, “I will. You can tell me to walk out of this door right now, and I will.” I pondered his words, letting the silence hang in the air even longer. I stared into his eyes and found longing. It was as if something had clicked. My mind and body felt at peace. It felt…right. I brought my other hand up to fully caress his face and pulled him in to close the little space in between us. I felt the faintest touch of his lips on mine. “Javi,” I whispered, “Stay with me."

I felt him press his lips against mine. It was gentle. Bordering on timid. Not what I had expected at all from Javier Peña. He pulled away after a few seconds and touched his nose to mine. I couldn’t take it anymore. I moved one of my hands to tangle my fingers in the hair on the back of his head. I pulled him to me and all but smashed my lips on his. I must have taken Javi by surprise, because it took him a few seconds to respond. I felt him scrunch my hair in his fist. Our breaths got heavier and heavier as our lips moved with each other in a desperate dance to connect. He broke off from my lips to leave small kisses trailing from my mouth to my jaw to my neck. I felt his hands grip my waist, urging me to move up and allow him room. I obliged. He laid me down on the couch and settled his knee in between my legs. His kisses left a path of burning skin. Javier Peña was too much to take in.My mind and senses were muddled with the heat of his kiss. His hands on my body. The feeling of his arousal grinding on me as he kissed my neck. I tried to respond as best I can, acting purely on instinct. My hand stayed tangled in his hair while my other hand felt his arm. I often dreamed of him holding me in the very arms that encircled me now. I often fantasized what it would feel like for him to wrap his arms around me from behind, press his body against mine, and hold me.

He moved to the bottom of my sweater and pushed it upwards, asking if he could take it off. I raised myself up slightly, and he took it off and threw it on the floor. He brought his lips back to mine and snared me into another passionate kiss. My hands flew to the buttons of his shirt, attempting to undo them and failing in my haste. I groaned, both in arousal and frustration. I even tried to rip his shirt open in frustration before I felt his hands on top on mine. Javier laughed. He actually laughed. I opened my eyes and found the space in between his  brows to be free of those worry lines that often adorned his face. They were gone! I giggled as the tips of my fingers touched the faint lines that often made their residence there.

“Your worry lines are gone!” I smiled.

Javier held my wrist in his hand. His heavy gaze falling on my eyes. A soft smile remained on my face as he leaned his face into my hand and left soft kisses on the inside of my palm. My other hand was feeling the muscles and veins of his forearm. This, whatever this is, felt special. The world can wait tonight. Javier Peña was all that mattered to you right now.

He unbuttoned his shirt and threw it on the floor to join my sweater. In the meantime, I had taken off my sweatpants and started to unzip his jeans. He hastily got up and less than gracefully discarded his jeans, afraid to ruin the intimacy we had built. He joined me again in a heated kiss, and I felt his hands on my breasts, squeezing and groping.

“You have no idea…how much I have wanted you…liked you…never right time,” Javier muttered against my skin in between kisses. I moaned at his skilled touch. Javi took this as an opportunity to dip his tongue in to my mouth and wrestle with mine. He moved to kiss the tops of my breasts with an open mouth. I felt one of his hands slide towards my back. I arched my back, and he swiftly undid my bra and took it off to add to the growing pile of clothes. He placed hot, wet kisses to my nipples as his hand wandered down to my underwear. He slowly circled my clit, my underwear acting as a barrier, and yet not doing anything to downplay how Javi’s touch has affected me.

“Javi…oh my god, Javi. Mmmm…please. Please, I need you.”

“Tell me,” he whispered into my ear as he continued to rub circles that made me grow wetter and wetter for him. “Fuck I can feel you’re already so wet. Tell me what you want, querida. Tell me.”

“I need to feel you Javi. Please,” I moved my hand down to feel his arousal above his underwear. “I need…I need…ahhhhh.” Javi’s fingers had dipped into my underwear and slid his fingers up and down my pussy, spreading my arousal. He squeezed and played and circled my clit.

“You feel that, Y/N. You feel how wet you are? Tell me.” He whispered again.

“I want you in me, Javi. Please please please” I pleaded. He kissed the area beneath my ear, moving down to my neck, my chest, breasts, my stomach, until right above where I needed him most. I propped myself up and leaned against my elbows to fully look into his eyes. His eyes that could melt you even from afar.  He held my gaze as he slowly took off my underwear. He made his way back up my legs again by kissing the inside of my knee, my thigh, and then he paused. He looked at me and furrowed his brows in question. I bit my lip and nodded my head. He wasted no time in licking up from my pussy to my clit. He latched on to my clit while he inserted a finger into me.

“Holy shit, Y/N,” Javier whispered. “God, you’re so fucking tight.” My head fell back in pleasure. His touch felt electric, and my body felt like electricity was running through my very veins. My hand flew to grip his thick hair. A lifeline to keep me grounded in the blinding pleasure Javi was giving me. He added another finger and picked up the pace. The salacious sounds of Javi and me moaning as he fingered and licked my pussy at the most delicious pace filled the apartment. I felt my body tensing, my legs shaking, and my grip on Javi’s hair got tighter. He groaned, sending vibrations into my pussy. I balled my hand into a fist and slammed it on the side of the couch. “Oh my god, Javi please. I’m so…fucking…ahhh I’m so fucking close.” I was on the edge of sobbing, desperately seeking to come.

“Come on my face, querida. Let go and come for me.” Javi said in that damned husky voice of his. His fingers went in and out of me faster as he sucked on my clit. I squeezed my eyes shut as my back arched, his hands keeping a firm grip on my hips. I moaned out loud as my body spasmed in ecstasy. Javi groaned and prolonged my orgasm for as long as he could, licking my pussy as I calmed down from my high. I was still catching my breath when Javi had taken his underwear off then crawled up to kiss me. His body covered mine, and I couldn’t shake the feeling of being safe with him. He ground his hard arousal into me. I could taste myself on his tongue. This man was intoxicating, exhilarating, and dangerous at the same time. I couldn’t think of anything else outside of Javi and me. Right here. Right now.

“Fuck you’re so wet and tight. Are you ready for me, querida?” he muttered while continuing to grind into me.

“Javi, please. I want you. I need you inside me.” I reached down in between us and stroked him. He shut his eyes, threw his head back, and moaned. His Adam’s apple bobbed up and down as he tried to keep it together. He put his hand over my hand that was currently on his cock.

“It’s about you tonight,” Javier said. “Let me.”

He positioned his dick for the tip to barely be entering my pussy. The sensation made me whine, needing more. He braced his weight on his elbows, and tucked his face into my neck. My hands went to his hair and his back. My legs wrapped around his hips, hugging him to me, afraid to let go. He slowly, ever so slowly, pushed himself inside of me. The sweet feeling of being stretched and filled clouded my mind. When he had pushed himself all the way to the hilt, he stopped. He looked into my eyes and whispered.

“Are you okay?”

“Yes.”

He built up the pace. He switched from slow and sensual. Passionate and rough. He constantly kept me on edge, guessing how he could possibly add even more to my pleasure. Whenever I felt close to coming, he would slow down the pace, making me groan in frustration and him laugh at my reaction. Whenever he wanted to keep building up the tension of my pending orgasm, he would either change positions or snap his hips into me in a rougher, faster pace. We were lost in a haze of kissing and touching and moaning and groaning. Javier Peña had an undeniable hold on me. I was on top with him fucking me from below in a blissfully quick pace when my body tensed up and shook as I came. I practically screamed, overcome with all the pleasure Javi had been giving me. Not once did he ever break his focus on my pleasure throughout the night. I was still in the midst of my orgasm when Javi wrapped his arm around me and crushed me to his chest. His fingers tangled themselves into my hair. He ground his hips into mine. His thrusts losing its rhythm.

“Where do you want me to come?” Javi asked, breathing hard, trying to hold on to some sense of sanity.

“In me. I’m on the pill. Come in me, Javi.” I kissed his neck as his grip on me tightened, keeping me to his chest. I felt him coming into me. Hot spurts filling me as he buried himself to the hilt, grinding against my pussy while gripping my ass. His delicious moans right in my ear. His hot breath fanned over my hair. When he finished, I felt him kiss my shoulder and my neck. He caressed my face with both his hands. He planted a passionate kiss on my lips.

“Where does this leave us?” I couldn’t help but ask. I just spent a mind-blowing night with the man I wanted for so long. This was the stuff of dreams and fantasy. He was the stuff of dreams and fantasy. And he was leaving.

He took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and kissed my lips. I knew it. We had no choice. We had to leave us here. Wrapped up in the intimacy of our irrefutable connection. Knowing our attraction for each other would have to wait for the world. For now, however, the world can wait.

He looked into my eyes. “Leave us here.”

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