#been in bed pretty much all day
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Somebody yell at me to do things
#void chatter#been in bed pretty much all day#(yes it's Monday. yes school goes till 15th. don't ask why i didn't go today)#which also means minimal food and hydration (aha. headache. and dizzy)#and i was planning to start the diamond picture today smh#at least i didn't do anything bad? that was tempting but I'm fine 👍#well shit. this just turned into a vent oops#tw vent
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Shen Yuan getting transported into pidw isn't "the system punishing him for being a lazy internet hater," but instead representative of "step 1 of the creative process: getting so mad at something you decide to go write your own fucking book" in this essay I will
#svsss#scum villian self saving system#shen qingqiu#shen yuan#the fact that people think scum villain#-a series that examines and criticizes common tropes in fiction-#is somehow against criticism or being a little hater is wild to me#especially since shen qingqiu never gets punished for being a hater#heck- he's still a little hater by the end of the series#he mostly gets punished for treating life like a play and like he and the people around him are characters#(or in other words- he suffers for denying his own wants and emotions and his own sense of empathy)#I think some of y'all underestimate how much writing/art is inspired by creaters being little haters#like example off the top of my head-#the author of Iron Widow has been pretty vocal about the book being inspired by their hatred of Darling in the Franxx#I think my interpretation of Shen Yuan's transmigration is also supported by the fact that this series is an examines writing processes#side note- though i understand why people say Shen Yuan is lazy and think its a valid take it still doesnt sit right with me#i am probably biased because my own experiences with chronic pain and depression and isolation#but ya- i dont think Shen Yuan is lazy so much as he is deeply lonely and feels purposeless after denying parts of himself for 20ish years#like yall remember the online fandom boom from covid right?#being stuck completely alone in bed while feeling like shit for 20 days straight does shit to your brain#the fact that no one came to check on him + he wasn't exactly upset about leaving anyone behind supports the isolation interpretation too#+in the skinner demon arc he describes his life of being a faker/inability to stop being a faker now that he's Shen Qingqiu#as “so bland he's tempted to throw salt on himself” and “all he could do is lay around and wait for death” (<-paraphrasing)#bro wants to be doing stuff but is stuck in paralysis from repeatedly following scrips made by other people#another point on “Shen Yuan isn’t lazy” is just the sheer amount of studying that man does#also he did graduate college- how lazy can he really be#he doesnt know what hes doing but he at least tries to actively train his students#and he actually works on improving his own cultivation + spends quite a bit of time preping the mushroom body thing#+he's experiencing bouts of debilitating chronic pain throughout all this#but ya tldr: Shen Yuan's transmigration is an encouragement to write and not a punishment and also i dont think its fair to call him lazy
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💘
#this might be the most scribble thing I post here yet bahahahahahahahahahahaaha#I still like how the hands turned out even though I didn’t finish them😇#but it��s pretty messy and the hands might be the only part I like🥲#but since this blog is my art journey documentation here you are#I was pretty busy today so no good art but maybe tomorrow we’ll see#I am preparing things to FINALLY answer my asks🥹#& if you tagged me in anything I actually have been meaning to respond!!!!!!!! my notifications are the WORST and so confusing on here😵💫#and I’m technology grandma…#hope u all have had an amazing day !!!! 🫶#my brother in law has been fishing and catching SO MANY sargo#(sargo = sea bream for the animal crossing playing English speakers😙)#AND ITS LITERALLY SOOOOOOOOO DELICIOUS !!!!!#i cook it in the weirdest way possible#you just have to gut the fish and cut off its fins etc#then you put it in a wet salt bed and cover it up…cook it for 30 min…AND VOILA ITS DONE !!!!!#I don’t add any spices…NOTHING…and this fish literally has the taste and texture of crab covered in butter#LIKE…😳 it might be my favorite food/fav thing to cook these days bc it’s so easy and fresh caught fish is just delicious😫#well that was my grandma cooking show of the day👩🍳#now you know how to cook sargo a la sal 👩🍳#also going back to the drawing🥹 I just love these two so much…#I love thinking of sweet moments…most of my angst is confined to writinc😆#the chapter I’m writing right now is SO ANGST DEPRESSING (sorry Eloise)#it will get better…I promise…#hogwarts legacy#hogwarts legacy fanart#hogwarts legacy oc#hogwarts legacy mc#eloise babbit#sebastian sallow#sebastian sallow x mc
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ough god, I cried over this
#the monkees#mike nesmith#michael nesmith#davy jones#micky dolenz#keep stickin around kid we all love you#micky will be such a hard one for me guys. paul mccartney will break my mom im sure but ill be in such hardcore denial over micky i know it#and like micky and mike make me emotional but micky and davy do too… and he had to include pictures of them in the 70s… before their#‘breakup’ when i tell you i thought about it a bit too long and then started to cry…#the monkees make me way too emotional but good god#cause it’s that one picture that’s like i think in the late 70s !! and they’re buddies !! and then… ough poor micky#and he has all these memories#(or maybe not cause they did tell him he had a good time lol)#and i cannot look at anything related to mike and micky in 2021. i will get very distraught. michael is too much for my brain to handle#i need to go to bed now lest i get to sleep too late again but i’ve been thinking about this post literally all day#like thinking of both mike and davy on the same day… if micky isn’t involved in the relationship i don’t care it seems so this post broke me#okay okay goodnight i’ll shut up ill shut up i cant even think too hard about it im just blabbing in the tags so so sorry#also that first picture is gorgeous#like they’re all so pretty but davy is serving hard and i don’t say that lightly cause im not usually someone who usually favors davy#over micky and mike#but that’s such a beautiful picture of the three of them and i will shut up now goodnight
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#ok finally making a post about meds#I've not ever tried taking medication before. I was sorta raised with that classic 'dont rely on meds you have to learn to manage without'#I mean I was also raised with the idea that therapy is stupid unless you have 'real' trauma. and also like idk.#can't stay home from school unless your temp is over 100 or you're throwing up. etc. very suck it up mindset#so I was just really nervous to start. also of course worried about losing myself or whatever I know that's a silly fear but#it's also a common fear for a reason!!! anyways#so I finally was like 'I need to do something' when I realized I was so anxious I couldnt even get myself to go outside alone#like I just don't want to do ANYTHING alone to a detrimental effect. and it was butting into my ability to do my work...#for various reasons. but then ALSO adhd has been a constant issue with my work as well!#it is SO hard to write and draw on a weekly pace like I am without being able to focus#my whole life I've had these terrible nightmares constantly and I've always woken up constantly in the night#sleep has always been terrible so I've always dreaded going to bed.. ESPECIALLy because it didnt even make me less tired#it was more something that I just did because I had to.#but going to bed was always terrible. there have been times I was too scared to go to sleep for weeks on end...#I've been mitigating this for years of course. and recently I've been taking melatonin which has been helping too.#but I've also always struggled to get up. because I've always been EXTREMELY exhausted#but also anxious of what the day might bring... idk.#anyways it has all hit a point that I was like okay. I am doing as many coping mechanisms as I can. the psych said they were good too#but... it just has never been enough. it's never been enough to make me not tired it's never been enough to make me not scared#so I finally talked to the doc about it. and she was like youve def got smth wrong basically. which yah I know.. but yknow#anyways so I started taking wellbutrin. and I am so frustrated now. because it's WORKING#that constant looming sense of dread is gone. I'm excited to get up. I'm excited to go to bed BECAUSE I'm excited to get up#I feel like for years I've been holding on to the idea that I have to get up because I have to put something good out into the world#and I've been clinging to knowing that if nothing else. I am able to help other people feel better.#but now for the first time in my life I'm like. free of it. I didnt even know it was possible... and I'm so sad how much I've lost out on#and so frustrated how my whole life I've been told to put up with it and push through it. and treated like a failure for it being too much.#and just. It has only been 2 weeks. but the lack of anxiety is SO noticeable I'm so...#I'll never miss it. the adhd is still pretty present but like whatever. I can manage that better.#and I'm just crying because of all this combined.#I just. I hope I get to finally be the best I can be now. for myself but also for you guys!
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i gotta be honest.... my mental health is in shambles besties
#had a realization two months ago about the state of my life and how i grew up and was raised#and i havent been the same since#im crying pretty much every day. rotting in bed whenever possible. sleeping all my free time away#lowkey wanting to kms again#oh its bad for me#/ negative#tw suicidal thoughts#tp
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depression is really weird actually wdym i spent 2.5 years of my life in bed
#and wdym that lifestyle changed so quickly into being out and about and an active member of the world??#very proud of myself#and i mean it wasn't that quick of a change#it was like 1.5 years primarily depression bedrotting with occasional school -> primarily depression bedrotting ->#primarily depression bedrotting with 3-9 hours of work weekly -> straight into 31+ hours school+9-12 hours work weekly#so there was somewhat of a gradual progression#but still#also wowza i wake up 7-7:30am every morning now. 1pm was an early wake up for a not so insignificant amount of time#i mean of all fundamental growth years to miss out on the ages like what 12/13-15 aren't too bad? they would suck in a different way if i#had been socially involved#anyway it's just. yea i'm proud of myself but it is a crazy lifestyle change#and even when i was deeply depressed in a horrible routine i feel like i learned a lot. how to regulate my emotions and cope well and find#the joy in everything. bc if i stayed in bed all day then i would at least be happy about the sun or whatever#and for the while of being not at school at all i WANTED to be at school i just could not find one bc our school system is so cute like tha#(basically every school is at capacity and the local school that has a guaranteed place for me would have been an all boys or girls 😭)#but i miraculously found and got into this school and miraculously made it work so well for me socially and now academically#it's also a good time to get back into school for my education bc any later and it woulda been pretty bad for all my certifications and uni#ive missed out on so much maths that its not worth it to me to try and catch up but my teacher knows that#but ive always hated maths regardless i only ever understood it for the first half of yr 7 then my attendance dropped#and after my recent exam i decided to try harder at school. but i still got an A on the exam i didn't study for!! academic weapon fr#i'm just idk thinking back to myself in the past few years#and how hopeless it all felt. but i got out of it!! i beat the depression and social anxiety and found a good place and made the most of it#and during the peak of my depression i remember i went out someplace near my old school and panicked so so badly about seeing#kids from my old school. and the friends at the time didnt really check on me when i went to shake and cry in a side street lmao#i kept the best of that friendgroup and have better friends now. but anyway now i take a bus each morning with some kids from my old school#and you see these hands? they look like they're shaking to you?#anyway yeah it's just cool i got to this point :) i really had no hope for so long but now i have a life i'm living and a future i'm build#--ing towards#which is funny i just decided some random day last november after watching some better call saul 'huh actually lawyer would b pretty cool'#and will i get there? we'll see but i do have hope now
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Alright now I have officially made one (1) fanart, it's time to contribute with fanfiction too
#célyne talks#i was a teenage exocolonist#All the ideas I have are smut tho...#I guess that won't bother many people huh#I am rotating Cal in my brain and I will rotate him in Sol's bed#also I have ideas for Rex obviously#I am considering rewriting Cal's 100 heart convo but maybe I should do the comic first#my poll results have been pretty much the same since day one and the answer is people like good old fashions 3rd person POV#iwatex cal#iwatex sol#iwatex rex
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imagine being cellmates with barton while you're both in arkham, and so you're kind of anticipating something kind of spooky happening at least once. but then you witness orderlies try to force this mass hiding underneath the blanket of the bed opposite you (that turns out to be barton) out of bed, and it honestly completely breaks that illusion. because apparently, he's done this before and only when he's severely depressed. so it's just kind of more hard to watch than anything because this essentially emphasizes that he is, in fact, a human being... not an animal despite most of the staff treating him like it. and the doctors at arkham either don't care about him having dysthymia (chronic depression) or aren't treating it enough because it can literally get so bad that he can't get out of bed
#OF MONSTERS AND MEN: musings.#YOUR NEED GREW TEETH: character study.#this hasn't just happened to him at arkham either btw. unfortunately there have been times where he was at home and he literally didn't get#out of bed at all for days and of course this could cause a plethora of physical problems as well as mental. but that's besides the point#bc compassion really is something that is missing from arkham that NEEDS to be there because like i said here. everyone in there is just as#HUMAN as the staff and i feel like they can get so caught up in demonizing the patients there that they forget that which is... well-#very problematic to say the least. bc if you can't function properly and people are treating you like you're an inconvenience for suffering#from things like depression then you aren't going to get better at all but... then again who in arkham really gets better? it's pretty much#a sad truth that no one does.#tw: mental illness.#tw: mentions of mistreatment.
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He's so cute-agkdjgkdkf I love him so much💙
#pan gushes#I've been pretty low on energy to do much today#(Partially bc of the heat- It's my greatest weakness 😔)#And honestly I haven't thought about many f/os all day#But there's something nice to me about being in bed and thinking about my husband after a long day👉👈#Thinking about being in his arms has helped me sleep on multiple occasions- He's the best!!#But yeah-sgksjfksjf#I love Snow so much! He's strong and sweet- kinda Stupid but that's pretty endearing if you ask me <3 (I like my men stupid)#Since I haven't been in the greatest mood to chat all day- I kept thinking about being in comfortable silence with him#Just the comfort of being in completely silence together <3 No pressure to say something. Just happy in silence#I'm quite tired and can't formulate words as well as I'd like#so I'll end my little gush about my beloved hero here <3#f/o: ❄️
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It's been a while and it's here again ! My little shop. There's a whole bunch of caejose to choose from.
If a piece you like; if something you want is missing from the shop, honestly, let me know and I'll add it for you ! I'm doing pre-orders at the moment so there really isn't anything off the table. ASK AWAY FOLKS :^)
also I haven't opened for every country yet, but for that too, if you don't see your location on the list, tell me, I'll check the deals.
Have a nice day !
#yep lmk if you need sth bc I'm figuring this out as I go#I'm trying my best but it's still pretty messy i'm sorry#it's because I am a big amateur#but I swear all the orders I've sent so far the people have been happy !#it's 1 am what am I doing I need to shut this laptup and go to bed#i hope everyone has a nice day or night#artist on tumblr#shop#virgo thozul#i don't have much remunerated activity atm#(i'm doing ok tho ! i'm not in danger of losing shelter next month so don't worry#it's just another regular joblessness era)
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they should make a life where you don't have appointments, work, school and scheduled events every single day for months on end
#i just wanna spend like 2 full days rotting in bed is that too much to ask#december i'm going on a vacation with family + gf and we're trying to schedule a lunch/dinner so that we can go over the itinerery#and other stuff like my gf is diabetic so she's going to tell everyone the procedures in case of an emergency etc#and the soonest i'm available for that is oct 20th like bruh#every week day i've got classes 7:30-11:50 work 13:00-17:00 and then gym therapy or futsal practice at night#oh and sometimes the professor that i'm the student assistant (? monitor in pt) for wants me to go to her night classes#and then on weekends i've got futsal practice sat morning usually a match either saturday or sunday legal advice clinic 4x a semester#and then birthdays friend group meetups (with ppl i haven't properly seen in a WHILE so i don't wanna bail) family stuff or gf's family stu#oh and i take care of the finances of our futsal team so there's that as well#and then when i'm free i spend my time with my love (who i mostly see on either day of the weekend and sometimes for dinner on weekdays)#those are my favorite “appointments” i love spending time with her so much but even though we have quite a few staying in dates we also#pretty frequently go out to cafes restaurants parks meet up with mutual friends etc#so like... no bed rotting ever adfdsal#honestly i am not THAT busy compared to some ppl that i know#like i work from home most days of the week commute only 20 min to college am not a part of any study group etc etc#but man... that vyvense sure is working cause i do not think i would be able to do what i do now when my adhd was unmedicated#also i'm thinking of maybe getting a new internship next year cause even though i love my current one it's in public law which atm#is the field i'm thinking of getting into after school but getting into private law in brazil with only public law uni experience is#incredibly difficult. so i wanna be 100% sure i actually want public law. which means experiencing private law.#which means a private law internship#so i'm wondering how the fuck imma be able to pull that off next year#at least it pays much more than my current one! like probably double!#but honestly even with all the shit that i do and wishing i had more time for myself i've actually been so happy lately#i'm learning more at uni than i used to be able to i do pretty well at my internship i've got wonderful friends both old and new#my family is well and we get along like always i switched positions in futsal and am doing suprisingly good as a goalkeeper#and i'm in my first ever relationship. it's been almost 8 months till we made it official and it blows me away how good it's been#like we haven't faught once. disagreed on a couple things sure. but not a single fight and tbh even disagreements are very rare#idk we communicate and give each other grace and i just feel so loved. she knows me so well. i love her so so so so much.#like man just this saturday we were having an early dinner at a bakery. she stopped what she was saying and just stared at me smiling#and like i couldn't hold eye contact. cause she's so so fucking beautiful and she was looking at me with so much love and i had to look awa
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you know I already wanted to go all out for my bday but. this does make me wanna do it even more. just in a more spiteful way.
#yes I have been in bed pretty much all day yes I did have a full on cry in the shower just now yes I do have to go bed soon#no point to this post tbh#also I Need To Get Out Of This House
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well one of family never ends' author's other fics is the epilogue of course ;) but ipgd also wrote people don't do that (alphacest), homestuck watches boku no pico, and like the first uucest fic
YAASS OMG.
ANON.
Thank you.
Deeply and truly thank you. Saved me a real pain. It was People Don't Do That. Gonna reread it ASAP. I don't remember if I read the uucest one, but I powered thru a lot of fics while I was sick in Jan, and I don't remember like 90% of those two weeks. (Like, as I'm going thru the tag I'm reading now, I'll see something unclicked and go to read it, finish the fic like OMG SO GOOD, and then scroll a little more and I see my name at the top of the kudos list and it's like, wait, when tf did I read this? It was when I was sick.)
Ughhhh. I ADORE the dynamic of whichever younger Strider being the instigator, and it fits Alphacest so deliciously. (I don't even know what to say here without being so fucking overtly horny for Alpha Dave in general but that's not new lmao.)
But seriously, the scene on the roof where Dirk took Dave's underwear, like. I died. There's no other way to put it. It fucking killed me. I'm going to remember that forever, it was so good.
#anonymous#asked#hhhh ive had this text box open typing paragraphs for a while but none of that shit was relevant#i was just rambling too much abt the alpha dave in my own wip#just ugh i love in fics when dirk gets alpha dave all flustered#(i mean. bro doing that to dave too is good im not denying that)#but if its dave riling up bro that means it was something particularly nassssty which is great#like for dirk and dave the freaky bar is a higher reach#idk where im going w these tags i need to get ready for bed lmao#stridercest#seriously thank you it wouldve taken me forever to get around to finding the title#ugh i could talk for days ab alphacest hhh the hero worship is so fucking good#i dont remember which tab was scrolling that ao3 tag but im pretty sure its one i read all the way through#i havent found another open alphacest one lmao the despair when i read to the end of the tag was horrible#i might stillhave some fics i havent read yet open in the tab folder but its probably like longer stories that take me a while to start#for now tho im workin on the brodave one (and so many more lmao recently opened a tab for brodirk)#i read too much and dont write enough i couldve already been done w my wip and moved on to finishing the other wips#anyway#im cold and gonna get into bed
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Dog has a swollen lymph node. Just one for now. Which means her cancer is getting worse already. The longer this goes on, the more detached I feel from reality.
#I've been barely eating for over a week now and don't feel it#all the money i have is going towards her. i have enough body fat to survive without eating properly for a while.#but I'm just not hungry because nothing feels real right now#she's been breathing with more difficulty the past couple days too so i know the tumor on her tongue is getting larger#she's been whining so much too. like way more than she ever has.#and the prednisone has increased her appetite by so much that she's eating almost double what she normally would#she's skipped eating in the morning almost her whole life. don't know why. she's just a picky bitch like that.#but now she wants extra food in thd morning and snacks during the day and extra food at night#i was worried her food would go to waste after she died but goddamn#it definitely will be eaten plus some at this rate#she seems so normal. but i know she's getting worse every day and probably just doesn't want to bother me.#that's the worst thing about dogs. they don't want to bother you.#she's so opinionated when it comes to things she wants to eat or play with. but she's never let me know when she was in pain.#the only times she has are emergency vet visit times#like when my ex broke her tail and she kept putting her butt in my face to tell me shit was fucked up#or another time when her gut bacteria somehow got out of whack and she shat bright red blood all over my house#or when she broke a claw so bad it damaged the bone underneath#anything minor and i have to find it on my own#she's extra spoiled right now#i never tell her to stop unless she's doing something potentially dangerous#like yeah. let's sniff that same spot on the same bush you smell 8x a day for ten minutes girl.#you look hungry. have some peanuts or freetos or cotton candy.#you want snacks even though you just had snacks? bitch. have some more.#you want to sleep in my spot on the bed? thats ok. I'll go to the othef sidd where i don't have my cpap. get comfy.#i feel bad denying her anything when i know she only has a set amount of experiences left#there's a finite amount of sniffs she can snorf or food to be fed and i know it's pretty limited.#and then i get days like today where i don't even really start working until the time I'd normally be getting home#and that enrages me like little else can do because it's taking away from time with the only living thing that's real to me#except the longer i have knowing she's dying the less 'here' i feel. which makes her seem less real.#and i hate it. but i deny myself pain by pretending shit isn't real until it isn't. and then there's no more pain.
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I gravitate towards jobs and such in which I make decisions, and prefer to live alone which comes with many decisions, and then do creative hobbies that require me to make so many decisions, and I thought "Huh, decisions are hard, what would a nice day without decisions look like?" And then I realized I just meticulously planned out a whole day of no decisions by just making the decisions beforehand.
#im so tired of decisions#rn im pretty new at my job so not too many decisions but still aome stuff i have to do independently#but my last job was so many decisions. i coordinated so much and if i did it wrong evryone hated me#and before that i was a shift lead#and for the last four years at summer camp ive been an area director#and this year i applied for an office position which is even hugher than area director#and im trying to move out of my parents house which comes with so many decisions#why do i keep doing this to myself#i like leadership and independence too fucking much and then im burnt out on it#and i would love just one day in which i didnt have to make any decisions#unfortunately i know myself and i know that someone else would not make the right decisions#so i want to make the decisions beforehand#and then someone else just executes the decisions for me. if that makes sense#like i want to tell someone 'tomorrow we will wake up at 9am and go get coffee. i want aan iced mocha#after that we'll go to target and get a quick lunch at qdoba. one hour after lunch i would like an iced caramel coffee#i would like to drink this coffee while we go on a walk along the lake#then id like to go home and knit for two hours. you may do something in the same space but it has to be quiet and non-distracting#then we will have such a late dinner. pizza unless you are willing to cook one of the three things i am always okay with#then i will peruse my phone until midnight. then i will sleep#i want to lay that all out for someone snd then they facilitate it#like they just know 'okay its 9am get up we're going for coffee.' 'alright its midnight put down your phone for sleeps'#all damn day they just do the decisions for me. even though i already made them so i know they were made right#idk if that makes sense. im just so tired#i was laying in bed before sleeping and decided to plan my perfect day of no decisions#and realized that it was not decision-free because i had just made every decision#did i mention how tired i am
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