#been hanging out with friends both online and offline more these days

[carlyraejepsans]

heeey I've noticed you've been drawing less soriel lately, did you move on from the ship? Which is alright!! I'm just curious since I met your art via soriel fan art heh

I've been drawing less period lol. just yesterday i was spectating a friend live commenting my favourite soriel series, i assure you i still love them dearly

[pinkfey]

i have no friends who care about me because my personality is boring and understimulating and i have no selling point as a friend and i am being left behind

[mariacallous]

Shafiq Bagwan was hanging out with a few friends in his village of Hasnabad, which is in the Maharashtra state in western India, when he opened Instagram on his phone and saw that his younger brother Taufiq had posted an update. When he clicked on it, his heart fell.

Taufiq, who is 18, had posted a picture of a 17th-century Mughal emperor, Aurangzeb, with a description of him as “the father of Hindu nationalists.”

“I immediately called him up and ordered him to delete the story,” Bagwan says. “I got scared for him, and I hoped that nobody had seen it.” It was too late. The next day, June 20, Taufiq was arrested and charged with“deliberate and malicious intention of outraging the religious feelings.”

Taufiq had been caught up in an online crusade, initiated by Hindu nationalists in Maharashtra, who have taken it upon themselves to police social media for anything, no matter how tenuous, they can spin as offensive to Hindus. These groups, which appear to have links to local government and law enforcement, are turning Instagram and WhatsApp into hostile spaces for Muslims, who face harassment and arrest for seemingly innocuous posts. It’s another demonstration of how the Indian internet is coming to mirror the Hindu nationalist slant of politics under the government of Narendra Modi.

“What has happened offline has happened online,” says Osama Manzar, founder of the Digital Empowerment Foundation, an NGO. “The attitude remains the same. Social media is just another tool to subjugate.”

Aurangzeb died more than 300 years ago, but he’s recently become something of a protest symbol for Muslim youth in Maharashtra. During his rule, which lasted from 1658 to 1707, he expanded the Mughal empire across much of the Indian subcontinent. To some Hindus, he’s a tyrannical figure who imposed discriminatory taxes and destroyed temples and who was resisted by Shivaji, another warrior king who is revered in Maharashtra.

With tensions between communities running high, Aurangzeb has become an emblem for both the Hindu majority and its 13 million Muslims, who make up around 12 percent of the population of the state.

“Aurangzeb, a Muslim ruler, is just a political tool to target today’s ordinary Muslims,” says Surendra Jondhale, a professor in the department of politics at the University of Mumbai. “The right-wing groups have used Shivaji versus Aurangzeb—a battle between two kingdoms—to propagate a Hindu versus Muslim binary.”

In February 2023, led by Modi’s Bharatiya Janata Party, the union government renamed the city of Aurangabad in Maharashtra—named after Aurangzeb—to Sambhaji Nagar. In rallies that followed the renaming—and which were attended by members of the BJP—T Raja Singh, a party member and (currently suspended) lawmaker, said that any Muslim unhappy with the name change would be considered a traitor.

The BJP has been widely accused of stoking religious tensions across India, and of promoting a Hindu identity for India that runs contrary to the country’s founding principles of religious pluralism.

In response to often brazen hate speech and discrimination from public figures, young Muslims have adopted Aurangzeb as a symbol of defiance. “It comes from a place of angst and humiliation, where the Muslims are continuously being provoked,” says Imtiaz Jaleel, a lawmaker from Aurangabad. “Under normal circumstances, I don’t think the Muslims even think about Aurangzeb.”

But posting the former ruler’s picture often elicits serious consequences. Right-wing Hindu groups, which have been publicly supported by members of Modi’s BJP, have been keeping a close eye on Muslims’ social media posts, claiming that even a photograph of Aurangzeb hurts their religious sentiments.

This is what happened to Taufiq, who, Shafiq says, doesn’t understand English and so wasn’t aware of what was written alongside the image he posted. But before he had time to delete the story, someone in his village had taken a screenshot.

Rupesh Rathi, 40, works in Hasnabad for Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh (RSS), a parent organization of BJP. He says that ever since Aurangabad was renamed, these situations have become more prevalent. “A Hindu friend of Taufiq in the village saw his story, took a screenshot, and sent it to me,” says Rathi. “After that, some seven or eight of us had a discussion on what to do about it.”

The consensus was to file a complaint. “Everybody found it objectionable,” Rathi says.

Armed with those screenshots, some 20-25 people turned up at the local police station and filed a complaint against Taufiq. Gradually, more people from the neighboring villages joined in, and the mob grew to over 100 people. The police were “extremely cooperative,” Rathi says. “We were assured that there will be a proper investigation into this. There were four or five more Muslim boys that had uploaded that status. As a result of the complaint, they deleted it.”

When authorities arrested Taufiq, they confiscated his phone so they could investigate who else might have circulated his post.

Shafiq bailed Taufiq out. The charges are still pending. Shafiq says his brother is scarred by what happened. “He is just 18,” Bhagwan says. “His health deteriorated quite a bit after the incident. He is still shaken because of the hostility with which he was targeted. The matter could have been resolved within the village.”

At least 13 similar cases in Maharashtra have been reported in the national media over the past four months.

Shirish Inamdar, a former deputy commissioner of police in Maharashtra’s intelligence department, says he thinks the police aren’t acting fairly, but that the cases reflect the state’s politics. Until June 2022, Maharashtra was ruled by a coalition government of three regional parties, but a year ago the BJP poached 40 of the lawmakers from one of the parties in the ruling coalition and came to power in the state. Ever since, Inamdar says, the persecution of Muslims has increased. “The local police do it to save their own skin,” he says. “The powers that be have told the police to register as many cases and vitiate the atmosphere.”

Inamdar says the cases filed against Muslims over social media posts are unlikely to succeed in a court of law. “Everybody knows that,” he says. “But the cases drag on, and it becomes a blot on the person’s record. They have to appear for court dates, they have to spend money on the lawyer. The process becomes the punishment.”

Madhav Bhandari, vice president of Maharashta BJP, defended the police, saying that “police cases over social media posts have happened under previous governments too” and that he also believes pictures of Aurangzeb “hurt religious sentiments in Maharashtra.” He adds: “Everybody is entitled to be proud of their religion.”

Prateek Waghre, policy director of the Internet Freedom Foundation, an NGO, says that this kind of campaign is a form of lateral surveillance of minorities, where people have to be constantly alert for anything that could be exploited to attack them. “It points to broader societal issues, where there aren’t too many degrees of separation between people reporting Instagram or WhatsApp updates and the ones being reported,” he says. “Many of them are on their contact lists. There is also a possibility of watch lists being maintained. It is scary.”

Since Modi became prime minister in 2014, there has been a notable increase in hate speech across the country, with Hindu nationalist groups calling for the mass rape of Muslim women and the extermination of the community. The RSS and other groups affiliated with the BJP have fueled unfounded conspiracy theories, including the “love jihad,” which alleges that Muslim men are seducing Hindu women en masse and converting them to Islam. There have been multiple incidences of assaults on minorities, and even lynchings.

“There will be people dismissing these as isolated events and saying there are only so many cases in a country of a billion people,” Waghre says. “But the ripple effect is hard to ignore and also hard to measure. It impacts people’s minds and their behavior.”

In Maharashtra, the campaign has widened the divisions between communities.

In June, police filed a case against a 14-year old Muslim boy in the central region of Maharashtra over an Instagram photograph of Aurangzeb. His parents are small farmers, and his uncle is a tailor in the village. “He is just a kid,” says the uncle, who WIRED is not identifying to protect the boy’s privacy. “He even made an apology video and promised to not do it again. He deleted his Instagram account and is scared to join back. But still a case was filed against him. We had to pay a lot of money for a bail bond in court to avoid arrest. This can potentially ruin or jeopardize his career. Is this where we want to head as a society?”

The boy’s Instagram post was reported by a young man living nearby who was working for a radical right-wing group. In the complaint, he said the photograph “hurt his religious sentiments.” The police charged the 14-year-old with “deliberate and malicious acts, intended to outrage religious feelings of any class by insulting its religion or religious beliefs” and “intention to incite offense.”

The uncle says that over four decades of living in the village, where he has developed relationships with people across communities, this is the first time he has felt exposed. “I have participated in Hindu festivals, I have very close Hindu friends,” he says. “But the politics of the state has ruined everything. Is there a ban on sharing pictures of figures from history?”

[mariska]

i don't usually type out posts directly like this because i am a very very traumatized and anxious and depressed and scared person 24/7. but i have been almost entirely sitting and rotting away from multiple lifelong chronic health struggles for years and years and years and if i'm gonna be direct and channel my absolutely fucking furious anger into one hopefully good helpful thing then im gonna do that now, because we all need to speak the fuck up for ourselves and each other and we will not survive in this world if we don't work together, which brings me to the thing i need to say:

if you are able to, and i know for a fact that many, many people are able to, you NEED to wear a mask when you leave your house. yes, every time. every single time. outdoor events too. anywhere you go where there's other human beings. schools. doctor's appointments. work. taking a walk. by yourself, with friends, with everyone. you do not have another choice. you have to wear a mask and if you're also able to, because there are a lot of us who are disabled to a point of very little to absolutely no independece in our lives who are not able to, you need to be telling, not asking, the people you hang out with, go places with, family that you are in contact with etc to also wear a fucking face mask.

the pandemic is NOT over. there is no post-covid era. it's here, it's been here for years and those of us who have both been disabled long before it was discovered and those of us who have become disabled since have been screaming at all of you for almost 5 years now to give a shit about the other living human beings around you AND YOURSELF!!!!! i am one person who does not and has no intention of speaking for the entire global disabled community (we ARE in every community of people, worldwide, by the way. every single one. disabled people are everywhere and we have been since the earliest days of humanity), and i've tried really really really hard to hold myself back from hating so many of you for not caring about anyone's general health and safety when you step into the world, but i can't anymore. i don't have any spare compassion left for you. get it the fuck together, get your fucking covid and flu vaccine/booster shots and actually make an effort to learn how often you should get the boosters again after that, and WEAR A MASK OVER YOUR FUCKING FACE AND STOP KILLING PEOPLE LIKE ME WHO HAVE BEEN DRAINED OF ALL ENERGY AND STRENGTH THAT WE HAVE BECAUSE WE HAVE TO GO INTO THE WORLD YOU ALSO LIVE IN AND SO MANY OF YOU KEEP GETTING US MORE AND MORE SICK AND YOU DO NOT CARE. you HAVE to care. there is not another option. N95 is currently the most effective mask type as far as i am aware but i don't know everything so do your own research about which masks will work best for you.

my fucking god. so many videos online where i just see so many people talking about the very true fact that we all need to stand up for each other and do what's right and help out however we can WITH NO MASK IN SIGHT WALKING ON BUSY CROWDED STREETS AND BUILDINGS AND CONCERT HALLS!!!!! STOP KILLING DISABLED PEOPLE. please please please please, yes, to those who are able to, continue protesting, logging offline and going into the world to take part in actions of community care, but WEAR. A. MASK. WHEN. YOU. DO. do not put it on your chin 90% of the day. do not put it UNDER your nose. put it on your face. like a mask. and wear it. and make sure the other people in your life do the same. i am literally begging you. none of us can do the work that NEEDS to be done to take care of each other in ANY society if we are all too sick or DEAD to be able to actually do that work.

thanks.

[fake-guns-blazing]

today my friend (“friend” feels like an understatement, i haven’t known her all that long but she’s basically like my sister) at work said that her day is so much more enjoyable when i’m there. i told her i felt the same because i do. nobody else really talks to me there and it feels like a drag when she’s not around to hang out with. but we were both there today and i was so happy and the time flew.

it’s been a really long time since i’ve had something like this. because of homeschool (and my own awkwardness), it’s hard for me to make friends offline. i used to do karate and i met my best friend there, but covid kept us from seeing each other, i stopped going because the situation at the dojo got… weird, and eventually my friend moved away. since then, i haven’t really had any offline friendships.

my online friends are wonderful and i love them a lot, but there really is something to be said for a face-to-face connection and i’m so glad to have it again. my new friend means so much to me and i can see i mean a lot to her too. i’m much less lonely now.

[linuxgamenews]

Experience the Thrills of Inkbound: A Tactical Co-op Adventure

Inkbound the turn-based tactical action roguelike game game is aiming at Proton for Linux and Steam Deck with Windows PC. Thanks to the team at Shiny Shoe for their ongoing efforts. Currently available on Steam Early Access. Shiny Shoe, the indie crew that brought Monster Train to life, is about to make some changes in Inkbound. This tactical co-op adventure is leveling up big time in April. We're talking the full package, the 1.0 update, and it's also a giant leap forward. But for native support, not really.

...we don't have plans to make a native Linux build. However, the game plays well via Proton.

Just heard back from the folks at Shiny Shoe! They've been crafting Inkbound with Unity 3D, and as they wrap up the Early Access phase, there's a bit of a twist. Instead of rolling out a native build as I was hoping, with its 89% Very Positive reviews, they're putting their energy into Proton support for Linux and Steam Deck. What to expect in the launch? Get ready for a brand-new story. Due to dive deep into an epic quest, facing off against a massive threat that could end it all. Whether you're new to Inkbound or you've been hanging around since day one, this is something you might just enjoy. Now, let’s talks about what's been news since the Early Access release. Mark Cooke, the founder and CEO of Shiny Shoe, is eager to show off the upgrades. We're talking new character classes, fresh worlds to explore, and also loads of tweaks that make everything smoother.

Inkbound - Early Access Gameplay Trailer

The 1.0 version isn't just about new content. It's a total revamp. There's an epic new questline, "Rise of the Unbound", due to be packed with challenges and items to unlock. And the final showdown? Get ready for a battle that’ll have you on the edge of your seat. For those who like gaming on their couch, great news – full controller support is in v1.0. And for the on-the-go crowd, especially Steam Deck users, you can play both online and offline. Perfect for those times away from home. But wait, there's more! Shiny Shoe isn't just thinking about us English speakers. They're bringing Inkbound to the world with full localization in Chinese, Japanese, German, and French. That means more friends to join in on the fun! The storytelling? Next level. New cut scenes, a revamped story, and fast-paced progression that'll keep you hooked. They've even added full English voice over to make the experience more immersive. And, of course, the Inkbound team's been busy under the hood. They've polished up the text, made quality of life upgrades, and balanced things out based on player feedback. It's all about keeping the challenge fresh and fun for everyone. Since its Early Access launch in May 2023, the team at Shiny Shoe has been all ears, tweaking and enhancing based on what players say. Remember the massive Starship of Terrors update? Yeah, they're that dedicated. Check out the full launch details. So, get ready to dive into a turn-based tactical action roguelike world that’s bigger, bolder, and more exciting. Inkbound 1.0 is more than just an update – it's a whole new experience. Available on Steam Early Access, launching on April 10th, 2024. Playable on Linux via Proton with Windows PC. Also priced at $29.99 USD / £24.99 / 28,99€.

[uhsschoolwork]

Media and Information Literacy Entry #1 (21)

Media in today’s world is the collection of all the information that we upload and store on the internet along with other pieces of information such as the news shown on newspapers, magazines, and TV. Said information may range from simple text articles with no images to 12 hour long informative videos on YouTube full of video records about their possible findings or just them simply showing a demonstration about the topic of said video.

Media in my life serves as mainly a source of entertainment but it does serve as a source of news as well more often than I had initially expected when I first started learning what the internet really was. I had initially expected YouTube and other platforms with copious amounts of entertainment to take over my life in the internet department and this was once true, though nowadays it has gradually grown from that over the years. Currently the area of the media where I spend most of my time is the gaming community though I do not spend much time looking for new people, I prefer to stay with the people I am already familiar with; Generally, I do not spend much time gaming with said people however, I usually prefer to have discussions about the game and share fanarts which are generally related to the game being talked about at that moment in time.

Being able to share the things I love is one of the most important roles modern day media has taken up in my life due to the reasons stated above. Another reason would be being a major source of entertainment when there is not much else to do, namely hanging out with friends or playing some game, through watching videos on video sharing platforms such as YouTube.

Prior to the lesson I just saw it as a tool mainly used to share info on a global scale and I was already somewhat aware of portions of its history I did not know just how much of it has just gone from 1 form to another by evolving to suit the new environment from handwritten books to modern day technology where entire novels are made, published, sold, and pirated at an astonishing rate relative to only just a century before. It truly is amazing to see just how far we have come as a species when you look at our society from such a grand scale.

There have been several situations where media could have been useful at that point in time, many of them occurring when I was a wee lad. I have gotten into my fair share of arguments both online and offline and media literacy would have greatly helped just from being able to simply search up the topic at hand; and as a gullible child this has led me to believe some questionable things such as mirrors breaking if you are ugly. Nowadays however I am more than well equipped to handle most of the situations you will find yourself on the greater portion of the internet, and maybe even some of the more hidden corners if push comes to shove.

[deviantartdramahub]

AlannahArt showed her true colours, finally, being a stuck up halfwit. She posted in the server, about how her husband tried to rape her, or did, one of the two. And then, like, an hour later she was all, "Oh I remember the time we did this!" And when I asked her why are you still with this guy? She said, "I still love him!", my reponce to that was, "How in the blue fuck can you still love somebody who tried to rape you!?" She didn't say a word, then went offline. However, she did come back on the next day and tried to pick a fight... with a user who's name won't be mentioned. With the help from another user who was banned from Tri's server, named Amber2002161, who had the nerve to start chaos on the server before she was banned by my request. Maybe she should have listened to my warning...Speaking of, erm, people kicking off shit.... a former enemy of mine, and former allie to the terrorist cult, Evie... seems, pretty cool now... and that's hard for me to say considering the shit I went through with her and her friends a while ago. We don't speak much, most likely because there's still some heat there between us, not as deep, but, still some tention there. However, I'm happy she's finally seen the light. Speaking about seeing the light, I wish this twisted freak would see it too, you know him as the sexual predator, BirdThatWhispers, aka, AnimeCitizen. And they are both the same person because, and I wish I still had it, I recorded Bird on Discord once, and without me even asking... he said, "can you stop bombarding my AnimeCitizen account, you've already ruined my "main" account!" The AnimeCitizen account is linked to his private server, on Discord, where there's no doubt DADramaNow members are hanging out too, while his main account being, BirdThatWhispers, formerly known as jedikkeneus. Yeah, the same twat who was caught having a sexual spanking roleplay with a girl of 14 back in 2016, the freak that he is! 26 then, 30 something now... oh wait, how ironic huh? He claims I'm 30 something and a sexual predator, yet... never showed proof! Aye, fuck off cunt! Speaking of cunts.... let's talka bout that sack of shit DA Staff Member. PhoenixLeo. Bans people for fuck all reason, ignores legit reports about people pretending to be me, or Tri, even Max at one stage... on fake accounts starting from, Something 1, then 2, then 3 ,4 ,5 ,6 ect ect.. Then falsely reporting that account, claiming it's Me, Tri, or Max.... like what the fuck? And if it isn't bad enough that cunt bans people for fuck all reason, and not the sad pathetic losers who come from DADramaNow's shithole blog to harass, stalk, attack, and bully people on DA... he's the fucking equivalent of Benjamin Frankin, in all honesty.

This is by a user on DA talking about the same twat.. DeviantArt - Discover The Largest Online Art Gallery and Community (archive.ph)

phoenixleo User Profile | DeviantArt (archive.ph) Look at this background picture, like what the fuck? And this fucktard is a mod? Did I mention he was a volenteer? Meaning this prick sucks off people who give him nudes... and he also takes that as payment too when somebody asks him to ban people...Yeah, the fucktard is a sexual predator, not fucking wonder Bird and other freaks like him have been activate for this fucking long!

And finally, how dose a kid learn how to drive when they're still at school? All about DeviantART drama! (tumblr.com) <- Mod S, aka the same wackjob who think's saling paintings is far more "rewarding" than putting your own life at risk cleaning tall building windows... yeah, like, is she on drugs for something? You know, I say that, and then I remember the pink volkswagen beetle she drives, like it's the 70s, 80s or whatever... it's 2023 for fuck sake. Anyhow, the tart is returning back from the grave, and gonna start posting more of her shite.. "Oh joy!"... can't wait.

I remember this and happen to be able to provide proof. AlannahsArt/SummerMom strikes me as in it for the clique and doesn’t strike me as genuine, which may explain earlier confusions about her being divorced (well no wonder). In a way, same as PhoenixLeo, who sounds like he forgot what people are supposed to be doing (which I assume was why you compared him to everyone’s BF).

[caffeinatedopossum]

storytime. a special little story just for you and the people following you.

so recently i learned i probably have borderline. i found this out through my own research when i was like 15, but then i ignored it for several more years because i thought it couldn't be true because "my uncle has that and i don't think our issues are the same" <- (misguided). still can't afford a therapist or a psychiatrist, but I've been keeping a notebook of every time i notice something that may be a clue as to what's up with my brain, have been keeping that record for close to a year, and here we are.

anyway, most of my symptoms aren't very fun to talk about, and I'm not going to get into it, but there's one thing that's kind of a funny story.

so 3 years ago i meet this dude online because he's hosting a silly ARG/online rp where he's always in character as the characters of the story. i start hanging out with "one of the characters" casually, but over time it's clear that this guy is just hanging out with me for the sake of hanging out. we start just, yk, hanging out outside of the server, and we hit it off! we become fast friends, and he introduces me to some of his irl friends.

ffw like 2 years, most of his friends are pretty offline so i don't really get to see them much, but we get along. I'm thinking of moving 12 hours away from home to live in their town one day because these people are basically family at this point. and, uh oh! i have a crush on the arg guy (or so i think). this is bad, because he is in a committed relationship.

ffw again to like 3 months ago, diagnosis pretty solidified, talking to people with bpd for mutual support. one of them introduces me to an idea, that a lot of people with bpd have a "favorite person". we start talking about it and, lo and behold, the description fits my feelings about this guy to a T. something else i hear from people is that, much like was the case with me, it often feels like a crush, but there aren't always romantic feelings involved, and after some soul searching, i realized that's the case with me. for context, I'm also asexual, and part of my personal relationship with that is having a hard time knowing when feelings cross into being romantic vs a really strong friendship.

it was so relieving, not just to feel like i was understood, but because i knew now that because it's not romantic, that i could sit down with him and have a talk about it without feeling like I'm going to put a strain on anything.

i was still very afraid, but a few weeks ago i did it. we sat down, we had a talk, i basically said "you are like more than a friend to me BUT NOT LIKE THAT LET ME EXPLAIN." without getting too into it, he told me that I've been his emotional rock and one of the closest people to him for a long time, and he trusts me with a lot. i told him a bunch of stuff i did/do that i was worried would seem "creepy" but needed to get off my chest (thinking abt him to self soothe, him being one of the 'narrators' in my head, the fact he sent me a card like a year ago and i still read it sometimes, etc) and he called it NOT creepy and in fact VERY CUTE. we were both flustered by this entire conversation and i think both of us walked away from it happy.

i love him sm (platonically)

also he called us moirails to mess with me and i told him I'm going to maul him. he homestucked me. i got homestucked. deplorable.

Aww that's so nice, thanks for sharing!

I'm also asexual/aromatic and it's nice to hear about other people who feel the same way I do.

I've also dealt with A LOT of having to do my own research, confirmation of symptoms, imposter syndrome about it, etc. but hopefully I'll get actual medical professionals to back me up once I'm on health insurance again. (Like with autism and DID for example, which both make sense for me to have and affect my life a lot but I still often feel like I'm wrong or have no right to claim those disorders)

[ina-nis]

Not suffering from crippling social anxiety almost makes things worse in a way or another...

You can’t quite excuse yourself out of situation that will, eventually, empty you out as “just being anxious” and nothing more.

You know that won’t change because it happened every. Single. Time.

The main difference is that, as you go through the motions and discover more about yourself, you might be able to understand why you behave in the way you do.

For example, you might seek some “low impact” social activities, such as participating in online discussions, or being in chat rooms. Or offline, going to the same places often, and meeting the same people (be that in a club, or volunteering). You can form plenty of connections that way, and very meaningful ones too.

Actually, this is one of the “tips” given to adults regarding how to make friends, outside school or employment. And, yes, they do work,

But

It might not take maintenance into consideration.

It’s all about starting. It’s all about that first step.

As if everything from there onwards would fall into place by itself. No, you need to work for it.

“Check on your friends”; “Talk to them about something interesting you’ve been doing”; “Offer them help with chores“; “Plan a day to hang out”; etc...

That could be a second step. This is maintenance on action.

But

It still leaves out people who, for whatever reason, are unable to form stable connections even after following all the right steps and doing all the right things.

These stable connections are much more than peers or friends... they have seen the ugly parts of you, and stayed; they’re willing to make sacrifices, much like you’d do for them; they are a presence in your life that is both virtual and real.

In your life, you may find many peers, and make some friends too.

But the emptiness stays because your needs have been met partially, it’s always like that isn’t it?

You find many, many people, and have many of your needs fulfilled, but it’s not enough. And it all feels superficial, too.

You keep on repeating that cycle... improving, being more social, being able to connect more easily, and it slowly drains you out, the emptiness slowly overcomes your desire to interact, and then you retract again.

You hope this time it will be different because hope is all you have.

[acespec-ed]

Okay, I have an important question for alloromantics who aren’t also aplatonic: Do you honestly ever see someone and desire to be their friend???

Long ass backstory.

So at this point, I’m almost positive I’m aplatonic. I never quite knew if I was aplatonic because, I thought maybe it’s just me being introverted or maybe just me being asocial or maybe I have Schizoid’s or maybe it’s depression or maybe I have attachment issues or maybe I just haven’t been in the right environment or around the right people. Maybe it’s a combination of all those factors! Regardless, I saw a post a few days ago about someone who used to feel platonic attraction but stopped for some reason and the way they made platonic attraction sound in that particular post... Something in my brain clicked then and there.

Allosexuals can see a person with a desire to have sex with them. Alloromantics can see a person and have a desire to be in a romantic relationships with them. By that logic, alloplatonics can see a person and have a desire to form a friendship with them. It’s so damn obvious! 

I was aware of this, of course. But... I’m going to sound absolutely ridiculous and ignorant right now so bear with me.

I never really looked into aro terms, when I first discovered aromanticism. Back when I discovered asexuality, I came across a few aro terms. QPRs, zuchinni’s, squishes, and platonic attraction. None of those applied to me. None of those terms were useful for me. I never looked further into them. I didn’t identify as aro. And so, I just assumed all those terms were “aro-only” things. As in, even platonic attraction was an “aro-only” thing. Like, my brain made a big leap that, aros don’t feel romantic attraction but can feel platonic attraction instead. Like, platonic was their replacement for romantic attraction, if that makes sense. And then the aros who don’t feel that platonic attraction, were aplatonic. 

Though in recent years, I realized that that wasn’t the case. Of course, alloromantics can have squishes and be in QPRs and feel or not feel platonic attraction. But even as I came to this realization, I never stopped to think about what that meant for me specifically until this blog.

I’m like, in this weird limbo between alloromantic and arospec but I feel like I fit in with alloros more than aros so I tend to lean more towards being alloro. Meaning, by my original logic, I wouldn’t experience platonic attraction anyway. But, by my new-and-improved logic, I should totally be capable of experiencing platonic attraction despite feeling romantic attraction. Surely one is capable of feeling both?

The problem is, I have a hard time believing someone experiences both. In my mind, you’re one or the other, or neither. Since I’m most likely aplatonic, that puts me in the first category. But if someone can feel neither, then it makes sense someone can feel both!

So, alloromantics who are not aplatonic- is it true? CAN you feel a need to be someone’s friend? Is this why all my past friends started talking to me out of the blue? Why past best friends wanted to hang out with me all the time?? Or simply talk to me all the time??? All while I’d come up with excuses to not, and mess with my Facebook settings to show I’m offline even when I’m online because God dammit maybe I want to go check Facebook without being sucked into a long conversation I can’t get out of!

Like, I thought they were just being their extroverted selves and I’m too introverted. Like, I liked my friends- sometimes even before we were friends because I automatically like people who are nice to me. And I do have fond memories of all my past friends and miss them and hope they’re doing well. I get sad when they leave my life. It’s been so long since I had a close friend, that I’ve forgotten what kinds of feelings friends invoked in me. And it’s been so long since I’ve even been around potential friends. There’s also the part where, I’m down with being someone’s friend if they go out of their way to talk to me enough times. All my friendships started that way. These are the things that make it hard to tell if I’m aplatonic or just introverted.

Really doesn’t help that I see people as temporary. Like, when someone’s in my life, I know it’s only a matter of time before they leave my life so why bother getting close when it only ends in sadness? (Childhood experiences have led to me feeling this way but this post is long enough.) So maybe my disinterest in making friends is simply due to the fact I’ll lose them anyway.

Idk. I just have a hard time wrapping my head around wanting to be someone’s friend when you’re capable of wanting to be someone’s romantic partner. I assumed my feelings were the norm and my friends were just extroverts who needed that social interaction to function!

[genso-menagerie]

———  basics! ♡

(PEN)NAME:  Skittles

PRONOUNS:  He/Him

ZODIAC SIGNS:  Dog / Saggitarius

TAKEN OR SINGLE:  Taken

TIME ZONE: (GMT-7)

———  three  facts! ♡  

I’m a streamer! I play a variety of games, though more often than not despite being hours into some RPG or whatever, I’ll never play it for months and instead constantly stream rhythm games (usually Project Diva, Stepmania, Clone Hero, or Audiosurf 2). I frequently consider becoming a strictly rhythm game streamer. (totally not advertising my twitch or anything)

I’m honestly a huge Pokemon fan, it just never shows much in the RP scene because the rpc here is a plague and I don’t know many friends who are interested in writing that stuff.

When I’m not here I’m honestly usually hanging out with someone on Discord and watching anime/movies or gaming. I have a lot of inactivity here due to this lol.

———  experience ! ♡

I got my start in roleplaying on a now little-known website called Tinierme, which I joined around...mid-late 2009. It was an english version of a japanese online game of the same name. It had virtual avatars, groups for various subjects, a virtual town, a gacha item system, and a pure weeb community. It sadly shut down in 2012. My first OC was more a self insert I used there as well, for Pokemon roleplays specifically. It was pretty cringe but a good time overall, especially when I branched out...

Fairly shortly before the website went offline, I joined tumblr. I was inspired by some of the old ask blogs to make a blog for Ran Yakumo. With no art experience, it was pretty much me being too afraid to approach ANYONE and having no art skills to grab attention, so I phased out of that slowly...

This is where the real cringe begins. From then on, I had gotten into MLP:FiM and wrote OCs and other muses from that for YEARS both there and on a couple other sites. While I would never go back, I don’t really regret any of it, I met my best friend through that community after all, and it drove me to get better at writing.

At some point, likely around 2019 maybe? I finally gave up. I clung to the old days too much, but I just totally lost interest in MLP and finally, permanently rolled into the Touhou RPC, almost exclusively. They were much more welcoming than any other I’d been in. Love you guys.

———  muse preference !  ♡

It varies, but my muse types generally come down to: the true neutral/chaotic neutral(Mamizou and Yukari), the goofy-ass child who just shows up out of nowhere (Yotsuba), or the mom friends (Sanae Furukawa, Hikari(oc))...with the occasional crack muse(Dokuro)

———  FLUFF / ANGST / SMUT! ♡    

FLUFF: I am majorly a sucker for fluff. Muses being super sweet with each other makes my heart melt.

ANGST: I don’t dislike angst, but most often I avoid writing it simply because I don’t like being sad. I’m too empathetic with characters I’m attached to lol.

SMUT: I used to write smut a LOT more but I haven’t felt like writing it in such a long time (sorry @ everyone who’d been wanting smut from me). That said, I still enjoy the occasional smut.

PLOT / MEMES: Honestly I’m terrible at extensive plotting, so I’m usually flying by the seat of my pants. But if someone prefers to plot stuff out I’m always down to try! It is still nice to know what direction a thread or ship is going, after all.

Tagged by Stolen from: @twinfoxtails​​

Tagging: Y O U

[mingkily]

｡☆✼★━ my baby, my home | p.sh ━★✼☆｡

navigation

starring: seonghwa x reader

fsk-0: fluff | mentions of covid, online uni and social distancing

volume: 1.5k words

vip access: @treasure-hwa & @barsformars & @midnightseonghwa & @multidreams-and-desires & @yunhoiseyecandy

“drink some more, you sound like a toad”, a loving little jab that made you roll your eyes but do as he said, because you were croaking a little; but he loved you anyway, even when you sounded like a toad. would love you if you had no voice at all, too.

sometimes you felt like seonghwa was a chronic mum friend, unable to stop pampering people even when they didn’t need it; possibly a side effect of living with seven other men of which at least five were more like boys, despite each being a legal adult. and sometimes, that was annoying you a little, because you didn’t need to be treated like a child and it did feel a little condescending at times.

today, however, was not such a sometimes.

you were crying into his chest, frustrated because this stupid pandemic had made it impossible to have a normal life, and while you’d grown somewhat used to it your studies had started, something you’d been excited for until the very first course was online already, making it impossible to get to know new people, and that was one of the things you’d been most excited for. and it felt so stupid, being upset over this when there were bigger problems - like people dying, for example -, but it just felt like the biggest problem in the world right now. it was the biggest problem in your world.

“it’s just so bad, hwa”, you sniffled, “all i see is blank screens and names that don’t tell me anything, and the teachers talk about random campus things as if any of us had had a chance to go there for more than five minutes, and it just makes me sad”, complaints that felt so childish, but he didn’t think any worse of you for it. he had a job, had chosen not to study, and even for him it was hard not seeing the usual people. and people still came in, just less frequently. he still had company. he couldn’t imagine how it was for you, sitting home all day staring at a screen in the empty apartment while he was at work. he could understand why you felt lonely, really.

“i get that, baby. i can’t say anything to make it better, either. but i’m here, and you can cry as long as you need to. or, tomorrow i’ll have to go to work, but if you need me i can call in sick. can’t possibly leave my baby alone when she’s sad.”

he was too great to comprehend, rubbing your back soothingly while you covered his favourite shirt in tears and snot, patient and warm and you almost told him to take the day off and just cuddle you, but you stopped yourself before you could do that. you felt pathetic, yes, but not that pathetic.

“i love you, hwa”, you hiccoughed, “and you smell really warm.”

“i smell warm?”, a little confused, but happy about the compliment nonetheless - if it was a compliment and not you trying to tell him that he was sweaty, which might very much be.

“yeah. like home.”

that was without a doubt a compliment, and seonghwa smiled against your hair.

“maybe that’s because we’re home, baby”, the reminder of sharing a home with him making both your hearts beat the tiniest bit faster. neither of you had expected this would be where you’d be when little freshman you had fallen in love with him, a senior because he’d skipped a class, and transferring from an all boys school to your mixed gender high school because his family had moved. but here you were, in his arm and in your common flat, living together and him comforting you through the crisis you had about having to start university during covid.

“maybe”, his comment having succeeded in making you smile, even though he couldn’t see it yet, “or maybe it’s because i love you.”

“i love you too. my baby. my home.”

together with his gentle movements on your back and the barely there rocking back and forth you did feel a little like a baby, but not in a bad way. you appreciated it, in this moment, appreciated feeling like someone was taking care of you. you liked not having to take care of yourself in this moment, having him there to take care of you when you were sad and honestly didn’t feel like you could do much other than cry. it was incredibly comforting to be pampered, wrapped in his arms and a soft blanket and him now asking if you wanted hot lemon water. you weren’t sick, but your throat probably hurt from sobbing so much, and he was always so mindful and so sweet.

“please”, you croaked out, though you didn’t really want to let go of him, in a little bit of a conflict because you knew you’d have to let him go if you wanted the water, but you also didn’t want to let go ever, especially if you didn’t actually have to.

but the desire for hot lemon water won, especially knowing he’d hold you again while you drank it anyway, so you moved off his lap, sat on the bed and kissed his cheek softly and shortly before he went to the kitchen, ready to pamper his baby some more.

“here. hot water with lemon. but be careful, it’s really hot”, your boyfriend told you a few minutes later, in the living room now because you’d missed him and had moved to the couch to at least be able to watch him while he prepared the drink for you.

“thank you, hwa”, leaving the cup on the table as you wrapped your hands around his neck instead to kiss him, your face snot-free now because you’d cleaned yourself up on the way since you passed the bathroom anyway and felt gross.

“you’re welcome”, seonghwa mumbled against you once you broke the kiss, smiling because it did seem like you were feeling better now, “how are you?”

he still wanted to make sure, of course he did.

“i’m better. but it’s still just… hard. i don’t know what to do. i don’t know how to meet people. and i feel a little lonely because it feels like i only have you and the boys, which is great, don’t get me wrong, but they’re your friends most of all, and i know it’s not how it is but i always feel like i’m intruding a little.”

“i understand”, he murmured against your hair, having pulled you against him again, into his chest with your face near his neck, “as you said, you’re never intruding, they all adore you almost as much as me, but i get it. you want your own friends. don’t want to always be stuck hanging out with me and my friends or being all by yourself. yes, i know you’re not stuck with me and you like it and you love me”, chuckling defensively when you raised your head and were about to protest, “it’s just that having a group of people for yourself would also be nice. i get it, don’t worry.”

he was way too perfect to be real, but you enjoyed this dream while it lasted. enjoyed being with seonghwa as long as you could. and were now going to enjoy the hot lemon water, prepared with lots of love and the water kettle that your boyfriend refused to get rid of and just the right amount of lemon.

“thank you, hwa”, not sure whether it was for the water or his words or both - probably both, “i love you.”

“i love you too. but baby?”, suddenly having an idea that might help and might get you some friends of your own, telling you once you hummed in acknowledgment, “how about you ask the teacher if you could suggest something like a book club or a study group or something? you could do it online, and then in really small groups offline once you know each other. social distancing and all, of course, but i think that might be better than having no one to talk to at all. and a study group would be useful, too, especially now in the beginning.”

that was a great idea, actually, one you hadn’t thought of because everything had felt so hopeless now that university had started and you hadn’t even seen anyone’s faces yet, and you rewarded him for it by setting down the mug and kissing him again, covering his face in hot, slightly wet kisses, the hot water he’d made you having heated up your lips enough for him to feel, and it was a nice feeling. warm and cosy, in a way.

“that’s such a good idea, you’re so smart! you should be in uni, not me!”, you praised him, eyes bright and face lit up by the smile he loved so much.

“you know you’re just as smart. now drink some more, you sound like a toad”, a loving little jab that made you roll your eyes but do as he said, because you were croaking a little; but he loved you anyway, even when you sounded like a toad. would love you if you had no voice at all, too.

and how could he not? you were his baby. you were his home.

[im-thinking-arson]

Hi wow depression is a hell of a thing.

I'm sorry for the relative silence here, considering everything that has been going on in the last (roughly) year and a half it has been really hard to focus on any creative outlets. Everything has felt pretty heavy as I have been piecing together what exactly happened to myself and the people I used to share a community with.

Although my former FC is basically non-existent at this point, I feel it is appropriate to say that I no longer associate with its' leader @morganaux (sernoudenet on Twitter and formerly here) and to clarify why.

I have been struggling with what to even say about the situation. There are so many layers that I don't honestly know if any single cross-section could explain all there is to unpack. When it takes multiple people six months to explore everything they know as fact... I think that shows its not so much of a 'he said, they said' scenario as the few people who still support Morgy have tried to claim.

I feel guilty not speaking up sooner, considering this person is a member of the FFXIV community who I'm fairly sure some of my mutuals follow. Its so hard to speak out when he publicly acts innocent, like he has quietly moved on and refuses to acknowledge what he's done.

The reality feels so cold in contrast, with the knowledge I have- that he has done this multiple times before, burning down or wearing down those he has hurt with false sincerity; claiming innocence, claiming people misunderstand the significance of the intentions behind the knives in their backs, claiming he is the truest victim of the mess wrought of his own actions.

He quietly retweets fan art, cute animals, head canons, and all kinds of fandom things- but also others' tweets to identify with their own traumas- the same traumatic thoughts and feelings he incites in others through a mixture of gaslighting, lashing out, and playing the victim. He tweets passive aggressively about people he feels the victim of, (justified or not) even amid posts about his dearly beloved OC.

At this point I should just block him and try to scrape all memory of what I went through from my mind, but un-fucking-fortunately I know him too well to believe it's over when it's over. He still makes passive aggressive tweets about people he hasn't talked to in one, two, ?? years, a person who was a good friend to him for 10 years before he scapegoated them to maintain his own sense of righteousness.

Seeing as I witnessed him maintain not one, not two, not three- FOUR venting channels in his own discord, including at one point one specifically made for sh*tting on a single person, defending it's use and encouraging others to participate saying 'this is how victims cope'...

I know it's not over, and if he had a single shred of...anything... He could leverage against me he would have already tried to 'cancel' me. I'm not turning my back again to see if he decides to throw another knife.

For a long time I wanted to believe I had simply misunderstood the situation, that his intentions weren't so self-serving. The more I saw, the more I heard testimony from others that matched my own, the more I began to un-repress and process my own memories and connect the dots... And the less sense his own account made.

While I tried to maintain my friendship with him I ignored all the red flags, my own rise in anxiety, the isolation I felt. I felt so much pressure to fit into his equation, to be a supportive friend, to keep track of how he was feeling that I stopped taking care of my own mental health.

All the while he got angry for people not checking on him when he asked for space, threw a fit when anyone failed to accommodate his whims, and even accused his three closest friends of purposefully excluding him by taking screenshots without him in them or even hanging out together when he was offline..

And he would have people believe that most of the issues he was involved in centered on his friends not communicating with him. But in my case at least, nothing could be further from the truth.

I told him I felt uncomfortable with the fact his (at the time) friend had publicly lashed out at me in his discord server for stating my opinion. He suggested I work harder to befriend this person, that he couldn't and wouldn't approach his friend about it because he wasn't a FC member and only there as a friend of himself and his two closest friends.

He lashed out at a former friend (and FC mate) of mine -on my behalf- because they wouldn't stop messaging me while I was at work... And when this person subsequently put me on blast thinking I had put him up to it I mentioned considering posting my side of the story- to initially be shamed (by the person mentioned above) for suggesting I protect myself, stating it could make things worse for the people who had already publicly attacked this person...

I approached him about another former friend of his angrily ranting about a character I had though at the time they knew I was planning to RP (I had spoken about it both in-game and in a discord we all shared) because I didn't know them well enough to feel comfortable saying that made me feel uncomfortable and unwelcome in the space. I approached my former friend because I knew from experience he took things like this seriously and he was the one who had invited this character TO role play in the first place.

He reacted by telling this person he had no idea why I was upset, asked them to address an issue they had no context for - prompting them to write an apology, and then reinforced their worry that I hated them by saying I "probably disliked them since [I] hadn't written them an apology" in return. I had thought they both wanted to drop the subject because he stopped responding about the situation.

He decided the situation was resolved and kept inviting us around one another for at least four months while keeping up the illusion that I disliked this person despite me trying to remain friendly- and said nothing about the situation until AFTER he had nuked his FC and almost everyone was done with his bullshit. I had asked him to be honest about the situation and finally got "[name] thinks you dislike him" ???

(I might add more details about these situations because it's honestly much more of a mess than it might seem, but I'd probably have to write a fucking book to explain everything well in-sequence of events.)

But those examples aside, I told him up front that the favoritism he showed and my concerns being glossed over was messing with my head, that I didn't know if I felt safe in his FC, that the whole situation was making me feel like I was losing my grip on reality, that at one point feeling like I was being discouraged from defending myself was beginning to make me feel su*cidal. These are things he knew.

He reacted to this ignoring both cause and effect, ignoring me unless I reached out first or it concerned RP, continually inviting me to hang out with people he knew I felt uncomfortable with (or vice versa) and normally turning down anything I invited him to do otherwise- including several times that I offered to help him with Eden or dungeons he wanted to farm when he previously said he was free to do so. A couple of times he declined saying he was waiting to see if he could convince another friend... and then threw a fit about 'no one wanting to help him' despite declining my offer and not reaching out to me after his other friend declined (I was still online but he decided to vent on discord instead).

Behind my back he talked shit about me, enough that someone who had known him 10 years and was familiar with his behavioral patterns qualified it 'constant' bashing, whenever I came up in conversation. And even included confronting me about the three situations I mentioned above in a plan he was working on to 'fix' his FC, as if he thought I was reaching out to him to stir up drama.

Eventually it came out that the friend I mentioned in the first example was emotionally abusing his friends (and I found out later told him two of them were talking shit about him- prompting HIM to lash out at them). One of them mentioned that person had still been talking shit about me 6 months later on a private account and when I got upset that THREE people I had thought were my friends didn't tell me, I made a few jokes in poor taste (that I do now regret) about the situation to try and prevent myself from having a mental break down.

The person he led to believe I hated left the discord server at that point and he decided to divert some of the blame for (in his words) 'being worried for this person's life' -whom he had attacked over the situation- to me... blaming them leaving and him having trouble contacting them on me.

I told him if this former friend was indeed attacking people and he was so worried we needed to talk about the situation, since in other situations his response was to ignore the hurt caused. He blew up about me messaging him at work, he blamed me for every situation I had brought to his attention. He went to his mods to rant about me and sent one of them to scope out the situation in hopes they could shut me up.

This is the friend of 10 years, who quickly became concerned and not for the reasons he had hoped. They shared a few screenshots of things said to gaslight me behind my back as the conversation progressed. Eventually the other mod jumped in and, knowingly or not proceeded to gaslight me FOR him, based on what they were told. By him.

They reinforced everything he was saying in guise of a neutral perspective and my efforts to prevent a full-scale breakdown failed. I lost all grip on reality for several days- in which at some point I wrote an apology to him for accusing him of several things that were later proven true- and one thing he, himself, proved he'd lied about to the other person involved.

I spent almost two weeks in a self-imposed social break to sort everything out and attempt to cope with what I was told was reality. I fell into the deepest depression I've been in since I had to run away from home, and honestly if it wasn't for my wonderful SO and our house mates, I might have really hurt myself.

It turns out another situation had been brewing parallel to my own. People had been coming to the social mod, the friend of 10 years, with their own worries about him. Almost every. Single. Member. Including at least four people who came forward with fears that if they did a single thing that he interpreted as an insult or threat they would find themselves exiled, called out, and ranted about in a jumbled mix of truth and fictional-malice until their own friends turned on them to support his victim complex.

These four people came forward on the condition that their names be kept anonymous to protect their identity. He didn't take kindly to this, quickly demanding names so they (his mod team) could handle the situation. The mod refused, knowing he has a history of lashing out at any criticism against him and to protect those who were already afraid of bringing the problems up to Morgy.

He reacted by lashing out at this person, claiming they ruined his life, and attempting to weed out those who had spoken out against him by kicking anyone he didn't feel 'safe' being around from his FC. He posted a message in his FC discord about resuming his 'reign of terror'... Which, even if it was a joke, was in in poor taste after pruning his FC of anyone he didn't think could be convinced of his 'good intentions.'

I missed this first culling of his FC members, I assume, because I had apologized and at the time submitted to his version of events. He approached me soon after I noticed the changes in the discord and FC roster; claiming he really wanted to work things out and remain friends- going as far as to say he was so nervous about my reaction that he was shaking.

I wanted to take him at face value despite everything that happened because yeah, I did want to believe he was sincere, that he was a good friend, and that all of it had been an unfortunate misunderstanding. And at first I did until I started talking to other people who knew him and getting their side of the story. Nothing he said added up. Between first-hand testimony and over a hundred screenshots from multiple people the ONLY things that were clear and consistent were that he lied and fit his narrative to whatever he wanted to achieve.

He tried to reduce conflict by omitting information, he controlled people's perception of one another by how he spoke about them and how close he let them to himself and others, he built a support group by polarizing his friends against his 'enemies' and if anyone had a problem with him... They were wrong, and got added to the pile of 'aggressors' he had accumulated over the years, to be bashed and spit on for years to come.

He may have sensed my change in opinion when I directly asked him to help me reach out to the person who thought I disliked them-  managed to come to an understanding and we mutually apologized for the situation... Without his meddling. Or maybe when he realized I was still on talking terms with the people he had lashed out at and directly asked him why he had kicked people who did absolutely nothing to him... Or it could be that I kept in contact with the person who 'ruined his life' by trying to protect his friends from him. I don't know.

While we were still talking he tried to identify with me and bond over the feeling of loosing the FC, a group of people that despite the anxiety, and pain I had felt in the environment he'd built I did deeply respect and care about... Despite the dissolution of that group and the abuse I suffered being -at the core- his own fault. He even went as far as to say my description of the PTSD and fear I was experiencing described exactly how he was feeling, too.

As our conversations further weighed on my mental health I had to take a break from interacting with him. I was honest again, with what I was told, what I knew, and asked him for honesty about the situation... What he had said about me behind my back and why because I wanted to hear it from him. I wanted to see if he would acknowledge the harm he caused both to me and the rest of the (former) FC.

He never did, and probably won't. He asked for some time to tend to his own stress levels and mental health and then blocked me on all social media and discord, and kicked me from his FC without ever making an effort to reach out.

Of the few people who are still close to him, one of them suggested that "maybe he just decided he didn't want to be friends anymore." But after him begging to have a conversation to iron out all the facts, claiming to be so anxious about such a conversation going well that he was 'shaking', admitting that what he did hurt people and that my being wary of him was understandable, asking me -directly- to let him know if he did anything 'shady', and stressing he REALLY wanted this conversation to take place when we were both able to handle it because of how important he felt it was...

I feel like its fair to say that him suddenly cutting off all contact isn't quite so simple. He could have done that at any point. Before pointedly ignoring my concerns, before gaslighting me, before blaming me for the results of his own actions, before accepting an apology for accusing him of things he did legitimately do, and certainly before directly telling me had no real problems with me, that he it was super important to him that we remain friends, and that I deserved his honesty.

I'm not going to try and tell anyone who they should be friends with or not. Frankly, people can change and in a lot of cases experiences with individuals will be different.

But on that same note, if I had known then what I know now I might have saved myself from roughly two years of anxiety and avoided the state of dissonance I now find myself in. I still have moments where I want to doubt the things I experienced first hand. My mind is still trying to repress my own memories to cope.

A part of me still cares about him despite everything because as far as I knew, he was my friend and I am still trying to reconcile what I found to be true.

At this point I feel like I should say please don't harass Morgy if you read this, but honestly? If you have any reason to hold him accountable go for it. He needs it. And if you have any gut feelings about him or anyone in his circle please listen to it. The few supporters he still has are willing to ignore anything he has done previous to the fall of his FC and have shown they are willing to debate and accuse people who speak out about legitimate concerns involving him.

If anyone has any questions I am willing to answer them and share the proof I have.

And in the off chance anyone wants to (further) argue with me about my experiences or whether or not I suffered enough to be considered a victim, please Google some images of a hand giving the middle finger. But if after that you still really want to play stupid games? I can find you some stupid prizes.

I don't owe him my silence. Or peace of mind. The only thing I owe him is to be as entirely, brutally, honest as possible given the information I have. I think it's a fair offer considering the mind-numbing volume of honesty he -still- owes all of us.

- - - - -

I may add more onto this. Unfortunately the entire situation is a lot more complex, but I wanted to get the backbone of my own experiences out there and there is so much bullshit it can't all be seen from any one direction. A lot of the circumstantial evidence loops back into other situations and makes it hard to comprehensively represent everything on any sort of singular timeline. As I said in the beginning there is a reason it took a small group 6 months to piece it together.

I am far from the only person hurt, and the entire situation was a mess with people feeling unnerved or pressured into going along with his agenda. For the most part now that I have more context I don't blame most of the people involved for their own actions. I fully support those who can't or won't come forward about the situation whether they just want out of his drama, or are afraid to come forward.

[snowe-zolynn-rogers]

Pairings: None

Word Count: 1,835 Words

Summary: Off to a chaotic start, I see. Bakugou gets dared to start a 1-A group chat. The beginnings, Shinsou gains a father figure, and the bakusquad is chaotic.

Warnings: Dead Body Mention, Death Mention, Cursing, Anxiety Attack Mention, Caps, Mental Breakdown Mention, Fire Mention, Choking Mention, Injury Mention, Murder Mention, let me know if I should tag anything else.

Notes: Shigaraki's alias in the group chat is Ren and Dabi's alias is Haruhi. ¥11,055 is about $100 and ¥110,550 is about $1,000 on the day I wrote this.

Usernames: Area 51   Ashido: aggressive chicken dance, Kaminari: pikachoo, Kirishima: ordained, Jirou: neko neko kneecaps, Sero: wine and cheerios, Bakugou: mother i crave violence, Shinsou: its a mental breakdown

Usernames: Emo Sanctuary  Jirou: tell tale heart, Tokoyami: eldritch peep, Todoroki: i love you 3000, Bakugou: knife tag, Midoriya: bitchasaurus, Shinsou: unhappy meal, Kuroiro: meth and deadamine, Shigaraki: depresso extra shot, Dabi: *sad kazoo*

Into The Group Chat We Go: Chapter 1

1:45 AM

Emo Sanctuary

i love you 3000: I require attention.

unhappy meal: is that so?

i love you 3000: Yes, it is, otherwise I wouldn't have said it.

unhappy meal: @bitchasaurus, your man is sad.

bitchasaurus: He's not my man, Shinsou. Pretty sure he's no one's man, actually. And it's not like I'd have time for a relationship anyway.

i love you 3000: True. I'm not in a relationship.

unhappy meal: regardless, get your friend. the man wants attention.

bitchasaurus and i love you 3000 are now offline

*sad kazoo*: I dare someone to start a group chat with 1a and say something weird.

knife tag: Would I get paid for this?

*sad kazoo*: I'll give you anywhere from 11,05 yen to 110,550 yen.

knife tag: Deal.

2:00 AM

Bakugou has started a group chat

Bakugou has added Hanta, Mina, Eijiro, Denki, and 15 others to the chat

Bakugou has renamed the group chat to Area 51

Bakugou: His body is ready to be taxidermied. It's what Shinsou would've wanted.

Sero: What the fucketh?

Aoyama: Quoi?

Midoriya is now online

Midoriya: You didn't add Shinsou, you ass.

Bakugou: Oops, fuck.

Bakugou has added Shinsou to Area 51

Shinsou: hi I guess.

Aoyama: So your corpse is not being stuffed by Bakugou at the moment?

Shinsou: I mean, he can always taxidermy me while I'm alive. it's not like I'd stop him.

Midoriya: He's not. Kacchan was dared with cash to start this group chat and say something weird. Goodnight, filthy heathens.

Midoriya is now offline

Ojiro: Wow, Midoriya isn't messing around.

Aoyama: I feel ✨insulted✨ being called a filthy heathen.

Ojiro: I mean, it is an insult, Aoyama.

Aoyama: Yes, Ojiro, I understood that.

Sero: Why on earth are you two awake?

Ojiro: Because I can't sleep?

Aoyama: I got hungry.

Sero: Well, go to bed.

2:15 AM

Emo Sanctuary

knife tag: It's done.

knife tag: chatscreenshot.jpg

*sad kazoo* has sent a money transfer to knife tag

*sad kazoo*: Your money's pending to whatever card is attached to your number.

knife tag: moneytransferscreenshot.jpg

eldritch peep: wow, you really sent him 11,055 yen?

knife tag: This man's out here fueling my savings since UA instituted the no job rule since the dorms went into effect.

unhappy meal: they instituted a no job rule!? that's why I got that paper!? I thought that was a joke!

*sad kazoo*: Better put in a two weeks, kid.

unhappy meal: I literally can't. if I don't work, I don't have a way of feeding myself!

*sad kazoo*: Can't you ask your parents to send you food money, Toshi?

unhappy meal: okay, Haruhi, I know you weren't here when we started this chat with just me, Katsuki, Shouto, and Izuku so you don't know but I literally don't have parents, man. I lived in an orphanage until the beginning of the school year and, after I got in, I began renting an apartment near the school so I could attend. which means I'll lose my apartment where my cat and dog stay and it has all my stuff in it too.

tell tale heart: He's having an anxiety attack, someone go get him. I don't know where his room is.

meth and deadamine: I'll check on him.

knife tag: On my way.

eldritch peep: I'm coming, hold on.

*sad kazoo*: I've finally become a father at 28. I knew this shit would happen eventually.

*sad kazoo* has sent a money transfer to unhappy meal

*sad kazoo*: That's your monthly allowance. Do whatever you want, kid.

unhappy meal: I'm gonna cry.

unhappy meal: moneytransferscreenshot.jpg

meth and deadmine: You got 110,550 yen!? Haruhi out here paying kids to exist.

*sad kazoo*: That sounds weird, don't say that. I'm here because I'm Ren's best friend and Ren is Izuku's brother. I've effectively adopted both Katsuki and Hitoshi, I'm not sending random kids money for no reason, they're my sons.

eldritch peep: Ignore him, Kuroiro likes making things sound weird. How does it feel to be a father, Haruhi?

*sad kazoo*: Fatherhood? Guess that means I need to shape up and be a dad, huh?

eldritch peep: Step the fuck up, Haruhi.

*sad kazoo*:  I am, I am. Toshi, kid, don't cry or whatever, everything's gonna be fine.

unhappy meal: thanks, dad.

*sad kazoo*: My heart hurts. Why does it hurt? What the fuck is this feeling?

knife tag: It's called pride. It's because you're happy.

*sad kazoo*: This child is mine now, I'm going to find a way to legally adopt you.

unhappy meal: that would actually be really cool if you did.

*sad kazoo*: Looks like I'm re-evaluating my life tonight so I can make it hospitable for a son. I'm gonna go see if I can figure out how to fix some shit. Night, kids.

knife tag: hitoshicryingabouthavingadadnow.vid

Transcript Begin

"Hito, it's okay." -eldritch peep

"I have a dad now, Fumi." -unhappy meal

"We know, Shinsou." -meth and deadamine

"I have a dad." -unhappy meal

"Time to sleep, Toshi." -knife tag

"Okay. Time to sleep." -unhappy meal

Transcript End

*sad kazoo*: I love my son. Take care of him.

8:25 AM

Area 51

Ashido: ALERT- MY ALARMS DIDN'T GO OFF, PLEASE STALL AIZAWA FOR ABOUT TEN MINUTES

this message has been marked as an emergency

Shinsou: On it.

8:40 AM

Area 51

Ashido: What'd you do to distract him, Shinsou?

Shinsou: Oh, gave myself an anxiety attack.

Ashido: SHINSOU!

Shinsou: It was an emergency! You'd be in detention right now if I hadn't. plus I had one last night too so it wasn't hard to do.

Ashido: Shinsou, don't ever do that for me again but thank you. You're getting big bakusquad hugs at lunch.

Shinsou: It's not like it was difficult. I got lots to break down about.

Ashido: Me too, bitch.

4:00 PM

Area 51

Shinsou has changed their name to its a mental breakdown

Ashido: Oh my god, Shinsou.

its a mental breakdown: I figured while I'm at it.

Ashido: Speaking of at it.

Ashido has changed Kaminari's name to pikachoo

Ashido has changed Jirou's name to neko neko kneecaps

Ashido has changed Sero's name to wine and cheerios

Ashido has changed Bakugou's name to mother i crave violence

Ashido has changed their name to aggressive chicken dance

Kirishima: Could you not think of one for me?

aggressive chicken dance: More like can't decide.

Kirishima has changed their name to ordained

pikachoo: You're ordained, Kiri?

ordained: Yeah. I got ordained for my moms' wedding in a few months.

pikachoo: So cool, dude.

ordained: Oh, Shinsou, dude, you said you had an anxiety attack last night, you good, man?

its a mental breakdown: one sec.

4:05 PM

Emo Sanctuary

unhappy meal: can I talk about it, Zuku?

bitchasaurus: Yeah, why not? Because it involves Ren? It's not a big deal, Hitoshi!

unhappy meal: just making sure, some people don't like their personal lives talked about by other people.

bitchasaurus: I don't mind, Hitoshi.

4:09 PM

Area 51

its a mental breakdown: alright. so we had a chat from right after the sports festival with just me, Midoriya, Bakugou, and Todoroki which became an emo chatroom when we added Tokoyami, Jirou, and Kuroiro.

its a mental breakdown: And then Midoriya got in contact with his older brother, Ren and added him and Ren's best friend Haruhi to the chat because he wanted to show off Ren but Ren didn't feel comfortable talking without Haruhi lurking in the chat.

its a mental breakdown: you guys probably don't know but I was an orphan from a really really young age because my parents died when I was young and my other family members didn't want me. and at the beginning of this year, when I got into UA, I moved out of the orphanage, got an apartment close to campus and all, I'd had a job for two years prior.

its a mental breakdown: and last night, Haruhi gave Bakugou 11,055 yen as a dare to start this chat. then Bakugou and Haruhi were talking about the no-job rule because of the dorms and I'd thought it was a joke when I got the paper so I didn't have anything saved up and I don't exactly have parents I can ask for money if I need to buy food and I'm definitely not asking my friends and bothering them.

its a mental breakdown: I mean, I have enough I could coast for a month or two without pay but I feel like Aizawa would kill me for not eating right.

its a mental breakdown: anyway, I had my anxiety attack, Haruhi sent me money, Kuroiro made a sentence creepy like always, and Haruhi called me and Bakugou his sons. him, Jirou and Tokoyami joked about him being a dad for a bit and then he actually told me when I went back online that he wanted to legally adopt me.

mother i crave violence: Thus why I didn't wake up Pinky this morning. I was busy in the Gen Ed dorms with my new brother.

its a mental breakdown: I will have another breakdown, don't tempt me.

ordained: Shinsou, man, that's so awesome! You have a dad! We should have a party for Shinsou getting a dad!

its a mental breakdown: if it makes you guys happy then go for it but if you go crazy with the party again. we already had the incident on my birthday, we're not having another.

Asui: What incident, kero?

its a mental breakdown: Kirishima's hair got set on fire at some point, Sero got tangled onto the railing of my balcony and was hanging from my fifth floor apartment's balcony railing, Mina choked on a piece of burnt tofu, Kaminari slipped in the bathroom and fell into the full bathtub where he then electrocuted himself, Bakugou got his face shoved into the cake and sat in the corner pouting while my cat Ume and dog Anzu tried to eat the cake off his face for the rest of the night, Jirou got lost inside my apartment building, and I hit my head on the counter and had a concussion for a week.

Hagakure: Why is your friend group so chaotic?

mother i crave violence: I like to think I've cultivated a well-functioning group of chaotic demons. At least if one of us is doing something dumb, usually the rest will either follow or do something dumb of their own.

neko neko kneecaps: I'd like to plead innocent as well as shift majority blame to Midoriya's friend group because I just know those idiots could and would collectively kill and hide a body and nobody would ever know it was them.

Midoriya: Bold of you to assume we haven't already.

neko neko kneecaps: Yeah, hi, mom, pick me up, I'm afraid of Midoriya again.

Midoriya: You can run, Jirou, but you can't hide.

neko neko kneecaps: You can't kill me, Bakugou would be sad!

Midoriya: You may live...for now.

neko neko kneecaps: Oh, thank the gods.

Taglist: @lgbtforeverything @rin-tanaka

[chaoswithinharmony]

Heyyyyyy

I'm so sorry I haven't been very active for awhile. Life has been quite hectic, especially these past few months. I miss hanging out and chatting about sw and obikin.

Just, man, it's been hard to be social, and balance my social life both online and offline. And once you break that balance, it feels hard to go back to finding that flow again. You feel me?

Like you take a break from social media, but then when you try to come back, it's just hard coming back at all once with as much full activity and excitement as you used to. So I guess I will take it a little easy, step by step.

I also feel like I've been spending a little too much time in other fandoms recently. Like, it's been hard to focus on more than 1-2 franchises at a time. But MAN, now I really, really miss Star Wars, and miss talking with friends about it.

But you have to start somewhere, I think.

So... any theories about the upcoming Kenobi series? And read any lovely obikin fics recently?~

Oh! Btw, some time ago, I also bought an R2D2 backpack, and it's shaped like Artoo, too! I've had to modify it a little bit tho, adding more stuffing to it, making it more "firm", and re-doing some of the stitches, as it wasn't in the most top quality when I bought it, even though it was completely new. I will share a photo once I am finished sewing on it. Also adding some cute keychains/charms on the straps, for a more personal look. (And to carry around a backpack of multifandom goodness. 💯)

Well, I will have more time once my winter break arrives on December 23rd, and will have a quite chill time till a few days after new year, so hope finding more energy and motivation during that time. Also again, oh my, I've really, really missed reading some sweet obikin angst.