#because you can’t understand the possibility of liking a thing while acknowledging its imperfections

[nielution]

Idk just. The level of hatred for cinemasins feels like the culmination of all the worst parts of the “JUST LET PEOPLE LIKE THINGS” philosophy. They’re not saying every movie they make a video about is dogshit. They’re nitpicking because nitpicking media is really fun sometimes. Some of us are just having fun with media in different ways than you want to lol.

[inspiteallthedanger]

Hi! Omg this might be a bit long haha, and English isn’t my first language so I apologize for the mistakes! I’ve followed you for quite some time now and you run my favorite Beatles blog, I love and agree with all of your takes, and it is refreshing to read from someone who is willing to be a bit more…cautious, or take a step back? Especially when it comes to real historical figures like freaking John Lennon and Paul McCartney and their marriage/relationship with each other. I also have weird freak out moments of  “omg what am I doing, I can’t be spending this much time speculating about the love life of 80 years old rock stars Jesus Christ???” So I tend to gravitate towards blogs like yours that take the historical factors and contexts etc into account and are respectful about the fact that really… While we should acknowledge that what they had was beautiful, unique and special, these dumb lads and their situationship is a lot more complex than “they were secretly in love and were secretly dating, and everything they ever did and said was about the other, and life was perfect until wasn’t!”

I mean these are real, complicated, imperfect people with an insanely deep and special loving bond / lifelong obsession with each other, and I hope I can sort of study and understand their relationship and its impact on the band/music in a more respectful, holistic, non-shippy approach if that makes sense, cause really I’ve just never in my life witnessed something quite like it before 😅 (I also often have weird freak out moments when I see a new mclennon facts/picture or think about them too hard where I'm just "whaaaaat the hell happened between these two soulmates people Jesus Christ GET A ROOM AND JUST TALK I BEG OF YOU")

With that said thank you so much for indulging me with song theories, horny asks and your amazing fan fiction 😈 I’m absolutely OBSESSED with it and how you wrote them as flawed individuals learning to finally talk and grow/love together 🥰 I think one of my favorite aspects of their relationship precisely is the complexity of it. Here's one of my favorite quotes from Paul about it!

"John and I were two of the luckiest people in the twentieth century to have found each other. The partnership, the mix, was incredible. We both had submerged qualities that we each saw and knew. I had to be the bastard as well as the nice melodic one and John had to have a warm and loving side for me to stand him all those years. John and I would never have stood each other for that length of time had we been just one-dimensional.”

Paul McCartney talking about John Lennon in 1997

Can’t wait for more! ❤️

Thank you for this incredibly kind and thoughtful message. It's like talking into the void often on Tumblr, so it's really gratifying to know that you enjoy the content I put out :-). It's hard, isn't, to walk that line? Because really, I know fandom is about having fun, so it's not like anyone is doing it wrong. And, clearly, I don't think anything I said here would in anyway impact the lives of Ringo or Paul (or any of the Beatles' families). So, to an extent, I think it's silly how I something tie myself in knots trying to untangle where the 'line' is for me. But, I think, for me it comes down to wanting to understand them a little more. I want to know why things happened in the way they did. I want to know why they worked so well for so long. I want to know why it all fell apart so badly. I don't care about blame or who is 'better' person. So, anyway, I guess I want to try and explore that in as full a way as possible.

But. At the same time. I like to pause and think, "That nice, but also wouldn't it be nice if I wrote a little story where John and Paul got to be openly queer and in love?" So, you know, there's that.

I really love being able to chat about the band and I'm so lucky to get such funny, interesting and thought-provoking asks. It's been such a joy.

I'm making alright progress on the story, so hopefully it won't be too long. I'm at the stage where it's so tempting to just start posting what I have. But I won't. Probably.

That quote is utterly perfect. It really captures the magic of them but also that really important point: they truly saw one another. They got that the other way special (so special, maybe too special) and that gave them the confidence to continue on with the band. Just lovely.

[pridewhatpride]

do you have any gx rivalshipping hcs!! im super curious on your take of them :]

When I saw this ask my immediate reaction was thinking: "Yes, I have an excuse to talk about gx rivalshipping, YES."

So yeah. I love this ship a lot, like a whole damn lot and it's a little hard to explain why, especially when gx has so many open possibilities for romances involving Judai. By which I mean two, really, and Manjoume is not one of them (sadly for me). I am referring to Yubel and Johan, by the way, I refuse to acknowledge Asuka as a love interest.

I'll start off with a bit of fluff headcanons?

Manjoume thinks Winged Kuriboh is really cute and that its friendly and fluffy appearance screams Judai, in a way. But he will never admit it because of what that might imply for him and the Ojamas.

Manjoume is fueled by caffeine and monster, he only really starts to recognise how nice it can be to have a meal because of how much Judai enjoys his food. He tries to sit at the table with him with dumb excuses.

Judai feels a bit guilty for how his actions impacted Manjoume's life, but Manjoume generally tells him that it's fine, it's better this way, that he's never this happy, that the only reason why Judai should maybe feel bad about it is because of his tendency to get overly invested in other people's problems and getting hurt in the process. Judai responds with bear hugs.

Manjoume brags about Judai a lot, actually. "Oh you think that's cool? One time Judai managed to do a backflip, you loser." "Slifer reds suck, but they do have redeeming qualities, by which I mean one of them is actually good."

Judai likes to indulge himself in the thought that he's Manjoume's most trusted, that he's the only one who could ever be allowed to have that many incriminating pictures of him. Because Judai just loves taking candid pictures of Manjoume. He thinks he looks and and cool in every situation, so yeah. A part of him does it because he has an inexplicable fear of forgetting people and the way they look, but he just can't say why that is.

They hang out in silence a lot, but once they start talking they just never stop. You'll find them on the beach at 3 am with a smiling Manjoume listening to Judai go on about how crazy it is that you can fry food in so many different ways and how he once caught a butterfly as a kid and named it Kujaku.

They share their music a lot, so Manjoume's tastes switch from just emo to fast paced rap and the weirdly happy sounding songs about very morbid things Judai listens to (plus emo). Judai starts to enjoy a bit of angry screaming into microphones thanks to Jun. Do they sing along like idiots as they share earphones? Yes. Is Manjoume mesmerised by Judai's singing voice? Also yes.

Judai loves hiking and sometimes invites Manjoume, but because he's a lot weaker and has less stamina, they take it slow. Manjoume keeps cursing himself for being slow and dead weight, but Judai is just happy to have a companion. Admittedly, going slower makes the walks better as he has the time to enjoy the scenery properly. He never teases Jun about his lack of physical training.

Now... I wanted to talk about my general view on the ship, plus headcanons I guess, but this is going to be EVEN LONGER (you are getting more than you asked for, your fault for enabling me, really). For the sake of the sanity of mobile users, I'm adding a cut so nobody has to unwillingly scroll through endless text.

On to the the juice, then. My thoughts on the ship. Manjoume and Judai are, of course, the rivals of the series and, if my thoughts on rivalry weren't clear enough, I am one of those people. It's just really romantic to me. What is very interesting about the two of them specifically is that they are polar opposites in the way the reason why they play, throughout the whole series. Hell, their views end up getting reversed completely: Manjoume goes from "if I don't win I'm gonna have a breakdown breakdown" to "losing is ok, as long as I enjoy the game and am true to myself", while Judai does the 180 from "I really just love playing cards with my friends, who cares about the outcome, it's fun" to "I have card game related trauma, nobody speak to me, games are only an excuse to assert a sort of power scale and honestly fuck that".

Manjoume is sort of the only person in the 'friend group' (he's never actually part of it, sadly, literally only Judai and Fubuki like him) to not idolise Judai, not explicitly. He clearly has an admiration for Judai from the beginning, but he is adamant on expressing it as hatred towards for being better than him. A part of me feels that a lot of his superior act is meant to try and fool himself and Jaden into thinking that he's a worthy rival, because I know for a fact that Manjoume doesn't believe that. He wants it to be true, yes.

What I am trying to get at is that Judai is probably a little confused by the fact that Manjoume doesn't drool all over him like the rest of the school does, but it soon becomes a crutch. Judai is under a lot of pressure because he is the hero who will save everyone and people like to remind him of how much they count on him. Manjoume is in it for Judai. He wants to be acknowledged by him, he wants his recognition and his attention, but he never asks for help or expects Judai to fix his problems for him. Judai is probably thankful for that.

Manjoume is also really scared of being left behind and cast aside as soon as he stops being useful and that's exactly what the writers do to him!!! hooray!, but Judai keeps insisting that he's not a bad guy, that he's fun to be around, that he's competent. Manjoume doesn't really believe all that that much, but Jaden keeps playing him despite his repeated losses and to Jun that's the equivalent of someone kissing his tears away. Manjoume only learns to accept his losses and shortcomings because Judai did it for him first.

So basically Manjoume is the only one who fully sees Judai as a person, while Judai is the only one who is really willing to look past his pretentious facade. I fully believe that Judai was relieved to learn that Manjoume was not just a perfect boy with perfect manners, by the way. They both just love to learn about every imperfection that the other has and silently thinking that they just add to the beauty of the other's character. Will they tease eachother about it? Fuck yes. Do they feel awful when the other tries to fix something about themselves because they pointed it out? Also fuck yes.

They are in a dumb competition against themselves to be better in order to earn the right to be friends with eachother, but because they are fucking dumb they never actually communicate (until they do), so for a long time it's endless pining that is definitely not gay because admittedly Judai just doesn't think that dating is a thing, while Manjoume is straight™, really straight. He has never liked a boy in his life, he's so very fucking straight, I swear.

So Manjoume is a bisexual disaster (and in my headcanon he prefers boys, actually, the Asuka incident is the biggest example of denial™ ever. He prefers Fubuki, fight me over this). The problem is that he never really considered he might be crushing on Judai, but at the same time admitting to maybe liking boys too means that there was more to wanting to stay at DA, to hanging out with Judai's crew despite their mutual dislike, to his continuous playful headlocks and ear pulling. To add onto that, there is probably a certain amount of guilt over having betrayed that bond with Judai by trying to throw away his cards and everything. Judai, on the other hand... is confused at how bothered he is by the public declarations of love, because Manjoume is his rival and rivals are supposed to focus on eachother, not on some girl, no matter how good said girl is at card games.

So maybe they are a bit gay for eachother. And maybe they just want excuses to be together as much as possible. And it's really just the vibe of highschool romance between two people who don't want to admit to caring for one another on a deeper level, but are also weirdly possessive of eachother for no apparent reason. And I think I'll stop here with my gay retelling, but really if you look at the two of them you do see that they do a lot for eachother's characters. It's kind of beautiful, really. They are the two socially inept characters who find comfort in someone being just like them and understanding them as they change and grow up.

I have a lot to say about how that changes once the transfer students come in, but I think I've bored everyone for long enough- as in nobody will read this lol. That's ok. I thank you again for the ask and for allowing me to gush about this ship that is so close to my heart. If anyone ever wants to talk about them, just. Do. Break into my house at night and I still won't mind, I just want to talk about them.

[ladybirdwithoutdots]

why Emma 2020 changed the proposal scene a bit?

I understand why some book fans don't like Emma bringing up Harriet in the proposal scene because, yes, in the book she thinks keeping Harriet’s embarrassing secret is the only thing she can still do for her friend. I get it doesn’t seem so canon compliant for her to tell him there; pointing that up is valid because you are just noticing a major difference between the book and the movie, and it might even seem contradictory for Emma’s character that she does the very thing that in the book she doesn’t want to do for a valid reason. However, I also understand why the movie makes this choice, and I think this is a case in point of what it means 'adaptation' and a creative team having to reconcile with the big differences between a movie and a book when it comes to storytelling and story structure. One major difference between a book and a movie is that in a movie, they show what happens in the story from an outside perspective where canon is limited to and defined as, essentially, only what the characters make you see, and what they explicitly say. If something doesn’t happen on screen then it isn’t real in the story.   A novel, on the other hand, tells a story from an inside perspective and is allowed, through a narrator (the author or the protagonist or another character) to make the reader actually know more than the characters in the story may know in that moment. The problem with a movie adaptation of this book in particular is that you can't read Emma's thoughts in a movie, and a lot of things about this book are based on her thoughts and a ‘narrator’ who can help you understand the motives of the character beyond what the character is explicitly telling others in that moment. That’s why, among other things, this movie chooses to make Emma’s feelings for Mr Knigthley obvious (on her face, in her reactions, in her jealousy) for us from the beginning, and regardless when she realizes them herself, instead of reducing it all only to the scene where Harriet confesses loving him herself, and Emma realizes her own feelings for him through the obligatory explanation scene with flashbacks, voiceovers or an added conversation between her and another character (though you could say that the added moment here where Harriet realizes, and thus says that Emma loves Mr Knightley too might serve that same function still).

I think that with the infamous proposal scene and its on screen adaptations, there are, surprisingly, two ‘issues’ a creative team may face:

1) The first issue is that, in the book, Emma is torn between her relief and joy that Knightley loves her back, and her anguish about Harriet for she doesn't know how she is going to face her and tell her that the guy loves her..and that she loves him back.  She takes her time and actively avoids Harriet because she feels guilty and that, for a time, ruins her own happiness a bit.

Given how many things still happen in the book between Mr Knightley’s proposal and the wedding, and the fact it’s near impossible for the creative team to put everything in a movie, if you only see Emma being happy about his declaration of love there (as if she doesn’t know Harriet wants him too) and then them getting married, it might seem like almost erasing her feelings from the novel a bit and make it seems she doesn't feel guilty about Harriet, or doesn’t care about her being in love with Mr Knightley too. That would go against her character growth a bit for she'd look, once again, selfish and lacking empathy and critical thinking about herself.

Of course, if you read the book you also know that she does think harsh things about Harriet after the latter tells her that she loves Mr Knightley (and she thinks he wants her too). Emma regrets including her in her circle, she thinks she has turned her into arrogant, vain girl for thinking Mr Knightley would really marry someone like her. However, all of that isn’t mutually exclusive with the fact she also matures, she does see her own responsibilities and arrogance and she blames herself for Harriet’s inevitable humiliation (the second!).

Too long don’t read: book Emma cannot be indifferent about the fact Harriet wants Mr Knightley too, and she isn’t.

In light of that, it’s easy to see why Autumn de Wilde changed things a bit in the movie and, in a way, tried to still insert that part of Emma’s thoughts from the book that would be very hard to include without a narrator’s voice. It’s also a change consistent with their own version and the fact they try to make Emma a better friend in the end ...

Emma really kind of gets everything she wants in the end, and we thought a lot about watching the movie after she behaves so badly and has this epiphany and she’s totally different now,” de Wilde said. “We really felt like we would not be able to enjoy it unless we saw Harriet transformed by their rift.” The solution: pushing Emma to actively make things right with Harriet and her best suitor before Emma can accept a much-desired proposal of her own.

Indeed, you could say that Emma gets it easier in the book than in the movie because in the novel everything works in her favor without her having to face Harriet and make any personal effort to help her.

This movie, instead, wanted Emma to really earn her happy end a bit more, and called her out on her faults in the funniest way possible during the proposal scene, well emphasizing her state of mind and conflict through the infamous nosebleed, that also ruins her perfect, poised appearance symbolizing her humanity and the fact that no matter how much she tries, she can’t keep a false control of everything and always be ‘perfect’ (and the beauty of that metaphor also lies in the fact that Knightley isn’t one bit grossed by what is happening, he still tenderly touches her face, he’s all love and concern for her. He’s the one person who always loved her with her imperfections too, he won’t love her less just because she’s human).

By making Emma reveal Harriet’s mess to Mr Knightley in that moment, not only you have a version of the events that is consistent to this movie, you also have an Emma that, in some way, is still consistent to the Emma you also read in the book, albeit just in her thoughts. It also emphasizes Emma's character growth all the more.

For sure, I agree with de Wilde about that. That said, if I want to play devil's advocate here I have to say that while Emma gets it easier in the book, their version kind of erases Harriet/Robert’s agency a bit for I prefer them finding their way back to each other (in the book) without any interference. I also maintain their ‘let’s do better for poor victim Harriet’ myopia results in them not really making Harriet act as a real friend for Emma, not even in the end, leaving their relationship very unbalanced simply because they didn’t realize that their Harriet, even more than her book counterpart, was wrong too and she too had to make amends and apologize for her own blindness about Emma’s feelings, and her selfishness and uncalled for anger when she realized Emma loved the same guy she wanted for herself. This is what happens when you have critical thinking about your main character, but not so much about the secondary ones; creative teams often forget that just because someone is the protagonist (and they get the happy end) and they may be wrong about something, it doesn’t mean they are wrong about everything.  I honestly feel really bad for Emma in that ‘I refused Robert Martin because of you’ scene in the movie because it really is the one moment where she is doing nothing wrong, and Harriet has no right making her feel like she’s the bad guy for loving a guy she had know since forever just because her ‘friend’ had decided she wanted him and deluded herself he wanted her too. If that scene is supposed to make me feel bad for Harriet they failed because it makes me find her annoying.  Maybe it’s personal experiences too for I well know what it means when you think you have a friend, but in reality that person doesn’t care about your feelings much, and just takes for granted that your purpose and your focus is just helping them. 

2) Another issue writers might find in adapting the confession scene from the book to a movie version is Mr Knightley's agency too.

Here’s the thing: her behavior in that scene is confusing to Mr Knightley for, in one moment she seems to not even want him to propose to her, but the next he understands that she loves him back. The poor man despaired, his heart broke when she seemed to reject him.

Austen, in her function of narrator, acknowledges this inconsistency in the book and she's like, yeah it must be very confusing for the guy but people rarely tell the whole truth to each other all the time and he's too happy in the end to ask himself why Emma acted so weird with him, and what matters the most is that he knows she loves him back and they can be finally together.

Still, he’s going to be all the more confused when, later, he tells her that Harriet has accepted Robert’s second proposal and where he expected Emma to be unhappy, given her oppositions to the guy before, he’s very surprised by her 180° and happiness for Harriet instead. He even says that.

Once again, I think if you are adapting the story for a movie where you don't have a narrator’s voice keeping the balance a bit and explaining what the characters can’t explain, it might seem like making this part of the story a bit unresolved for him (and him and Emma). It might not seem fully satisfying that he doesn't get an explanation and their misuranderstanding isn’t fully cleared up.

This movie resolves that by having Emma confess him that, basically, her confusing behavior was because she was scared he wanted to propose to another woman (because she loves him but she didn’t think it’s her he actually loved!), and then when he tells her that it's her he loves, she reciprocates but is also overwhelmed because there is still the issue of Harriet and it ruins her party in that moment because new Emma cannot be indifferent.

This Knightley can make sense of her behavior much better than in the book  and if he's still so happy in the end, it’s because he understands that Emma didn’t reject him for she actually loves him back, and in this version she needs to make amends with Harriet and Robert Martin before she can accept her own happy end. 

I also like what the director said about this scene, especially this point:

“I wanted to make that scene so romantic, and then just turn it on its head, because to say just like, they’re not perfect, they’re both just like a hot mess, and seeing Mr Knightley and Emma panic and try and solve a problem together is just as romantic as the proposal” 

you know what? I agree with her.

Let's be honest, btw, Emma trusts him. Book or movie, this is a fact. She may not tell him about Harriet there but I think even in the book’s canon, it’s not so impossible to imagine that one day, when it’s safe for her to because Harriet is happy with Robert etc, she may tell him the whole story to explain her behavior to him a bit more... and have a good laugh together about the absurdity of it all.

I shouldn’t need to say this but yeah, an adaptation doesn't 'replace' the book said adaptation is based on. It's not like this is the definitive story now. I just have no real issues with changes if there are reasons for them and they make sense with a particular version, and I don’t have issues with adaptations trying to find ways to include even those things that might actually be in the book too, but they seem impossible to convey in a movie. All things considered, this movie actually is one of the most faithful to the book and historically accurate adaptations of Austen ever made. When I watched it the first time, having read the book many times, I was really surprised by how much of the book’s text is included in this version and not really modernized or altered.

I maintain that this version of the proposal scene is as ‘valid’ as the others too. Given Austen doesn't write Emma's answer in that scene (you only know she makes him undestand in some way that she loves him back  and they agree to marry), it's fair to point up that all the adaptations had to create that part on their own to fill where novel doesn't tell you every detail (same thing with the dancing scene: Austen puts the proverbial fade to black there, and whether Emma and Knightley were overwhelmed by dancing together in the book, it is their business just like their honeymoon, or whether they make out during their  engagement...). Emma kissing him right there and then like it happens in other adaptations isn't a more likely scenario for a lady in regency era’s context than her getting a spontaneous nosebleed, just saying.  If anything, Austen’s depiction of her female characters was influenced by the fact that, at the time, while a man could be explicit and very emotional when declaring his feelings for  a woman, a lady had to keep her cool and couldn't tell a guy she loved him so men had to understand a woman recipricated them through their own subtle messages and codes. This isn't to say other adaptations are wrong for making them kiss there, and for adding more romance to that particular scene (just like it isn’t wrong for this adaptation to make the dance scene and what happens afterwards more emotionally charged than it usually is, and choose to also emphasize Emma’s own feelings for him a bit more), but it isn’t wrong for this adaptation to do something different and place a kiss in the other romantic scene instead (when he tells her he'll move to Hartfield) so that the romance isn’t resolved in his confession scene only.  Expecting all adaptations to be the same and interpret things in the same way means making things a tad too formulaic, tbh. And I don’t know why I should even want that. Personally, I like every version of that scene makes sense with their own adaptation, I don’t consider it a ‘flaw’ but a good thing.

I find it annoying when people reduce the love scene in this movie to the funny nosebleed thing only, anyway.  It seems like misrepresenting it a bit to pretend this adaptation is just silly things when it really isn’t like that (and even the nosebleed actually has a purpose for the director that is NOT ‘silly’ tbh).  Regardless the fact I actually like the whole scene including the funny twist in the end too, it’s still a romantic moment and his speech is actually delivered in a way that is very moving to me because Johnny Flynn makes the feelings of the character come across as so real on screen, and you can also see on Anya’s face (they are both crying!) all the confusion and love and amazement. I honestly have no complains about how the part that is written in the book, his speech, is delivered here because it’s really well done and the acting is on point. I really love the way they conveyed all the emotions on screen and I even felt like they conveyed some things about him better than previous versions.

[cosmicheromp3]

let’s talk about snowbirds don’t fly for a second, shall we: the arc where roy’s addiction was first introduced, and how it actually affected the relationship between roy and ollie.

people’s perception of snowbirds don’t fly and the events surrounding it is so... weird, to the point where it often makes me wonder whether they’ve actually read the comic (and roy’s appearances right after, but i realize those might be less known) or whether they’re just going off a few very specific panels and inaccurate recounts – usually from people that will twist anything in their favour to call ollie a bad guy.

because, if you pieced together what most people seem to think happened – and this is what i was expecting to find once i decided to read it myself –, in snowbirds we should see: roy, not yet an adult and still under the active care of ollie, starts using drugs, and oliver’s so caught up in himself and negligent that he doesn’t notice what’s happening. when he finally finds out, he lashes out, hits roy and kicks him out of the house, leaving roy without a home. this makes their relationship crumble, and roy starts hating ollie because of it. they don’t speak to each other, and leave in awful terms.

and... in many aspects, that’s so far from the events you'll see if you actually go read green lantern #85 (snowbirds don’t fly) and #86 (they say it’ll kill me... but then won’t say when!). i’m assuming a lot of misconceptions happen because of a) writers with a grudge against ollie who retroactively, and unfairly, painted him in a bad light, and people took this at face value, and b) retcons that came with the new 52 reboot – but, i'll be honest, i don’t care enough to go read that mess even for this post. in general, i’m pretty sure we all agree that we ignore out of character comics; let’s not make roy and ollie the exception to that, yeah?

first i want to get something out of the way, that i feel like i need to mention even though there’s probably people that have talked about it better than i could. when we analyze this comic we should keep in mind that the characters in the story were meant to fill specific roles for the sort of... PSA comic that dc was trying to make, and in the 70s, at that. considering this, both roy and ollie are plot devices.

the creative team behind the story (o’neil and adams) have said that they chose roy to be the average “good” teen who fell into drugs – as a way to say “this could happen to anyone, even to this reputable superhero”. ollie was the caring but imperfect parent who missed the signs – not abusive but distant at the moment, he was meant to be more like a nudge to parents to pay closer attention. it was written to play as a sort of “this could happen to the best of us” situation. and in that context, ollie is made to react in a way that is at most "not ideal" for the standards of its time: he hits roy, and denies to himself that roy’s addiction is a real problem that needs to be dealt with delicately. this is used to send the message of “don’t react like this”.

that isn’t exactly the point of this post, and i don’t want to downplay the harm ollie did with his reaction or absolve him of any blame. the point of this post is: people seem to think that’s where the storyline ended, that was ollie’s final reaction, and those are the terms in which ollie and roy parted; which is just not true.

instead, ollie hitting roy happens in the very first page of green lantern #86 – we have an entire issue in which ollie is faced with his initial reaction and made to confront his mistake (which is more than we can say for, um, other father superheroes that have hit their children. i won’t name names.) the only moment you could read as him “kicking roy out” – which is the phrasing i’ve seen applied to this – happens the very next page, where ollie tells roy to “get out”.

the thing is, roy was not living with ollie at the moment. there was nowhere that ollie could kick him out from. “get out” means just that: get out of this room (and ollie didn’t intend anything more than that with his words.) the comic makes a point of stressing that roy is, by that point, independent, and old enough to be living without a guardian.

ollie, right after roy leaves, thinks: “but he shouldn’t need attention–at his age”. ollie is in the wrong here because of his close-minded view of addiction and because he’s not considering that, though a legal adult, roy is still young and needs care, but it still shows that roy was largely on his own by then. ollie’s reaction is definitively negative and a rejection, but can’t in any way be seen as “kicking roy out”, because it isn’t. (note, also, how ollie’s first thought is that he failed roy, but his denial and stubbornness get in the way and he shifts the blame. he’ll eventually have to get over this and change.)

we see that ollie plays the role of the father that reacts poorly, and he is directly contrasted with the adults who do take responsibility for roy – hal at first, and dinah after, are the ones who play the role of “this is how you should react.”

hal finds roy without knowing what happened between him and ollie, and his first reaction is to take roy to a doctor; he immediately recognizes that what roy needs is help – and will later say so to ollie. when roy refuses, saying he wants to kick the addiction on his own – to prove himself to ollie, because even though he doesn’t think ollie was right he still values his opinion and their relationship, but i’d say there’s something he’s trying to prove to himself, too –, hal recognizes that he doesn’t know anything about drug withdrawal or addiction, and he’s receptive to roy, asking him questions and listening without judgement.

so he takes roy to dinah, who is the one that (very kindly, might i add, because dinah and roy weren’t that close at the time) cares for roy while he goes cold turkey. roy, possibly rather unrealistically, though i’m no expert, kicks the addiction in the span of a few pages. before the ending of this arc, roy has already gone clean.

there’s a one week timeskip there, where we assume that out of the characters featured in this story, roy only interacts with dinah, and ollie’s been with hal. then, before the conclusion of this story, roy is given a place to confront ollie and call him out for his mistakes. roy calls him out for turning his back on him, and he gets to tell him – and show him, punching him in a scene where it’s implied that ollie completely deserves it, unlike the opposite situation that this issue started with – about the pain he’s been in. we are given, in text, a moment where roy can express to ollie what he’s been going through, what he did wrong, and how it affected him.

(this is a moment where the intentions of the comic are very clear, not only because roy practically turns to the camera to deliver the PSA, but also because of the wording: roy told ollie that he turned his back on him, and in the same page he talks about society turning its back on drug addicts, same wording twice. ollie and roy are both meant to represent something other than just themselves, even if this happened in continuity and ended up affecting their characters in the long run.)

and ollie – unlike in that first page, now ollie is shown to listen and understand. he’s not in the same place or mindset he was in when everything started. in the beginning, ollie thought that there must be something inherently bad about a person who does drugs, in a reflection of society’s – and parents’ – views of the issue. and that shows in his initial denial and reaction: ‘how could my son, who’s a good person, do this?’ then, in this scene, when roy tells him he beat the addiction, he answers “good boy” – roy immediately rejects this notion, and emphasizes that there’s more to it than his own goodness: what’s important is the help he received, namely from hal and dinah, and a caring environment. ollie, at the very least, begins to understand this, and in doing so understands very clearly what he needs to change about their relationship if he wants roy back.

this means that ollie starts undergoing character development in this one issue alone. the thing about ollie, in regards to his relationship with roy, is that he has made mistakes and the narrative acknowledges it; but, when well written, he realizes and admits it, making a point of learning from his mistakes. roy knows that ollie has fucked up, too, and doesn’t let him off the hook for it, but he also recognizes that he makes an effort to be better. especially after snowbirds, this informs their relationship a lot.

by the end of the issue they’re not hugging, and roy is leaving on his own, but that’s completely of his own accord. and these are the last panels in the entire issue:

the whole original comic, but mostly these panels specifically, is what makes me wonder about people’s perception of these events, and the misconceptions i previously mentioned – because i really am confused as to how you could reconcile these two opposite readings. unless, you know... people are speaking without ever touching the original comic. (i don’t want to blame anyone for not reading older comics, but please, if you’re gonna speak, especially if it’s to shit on a character or call them abusive the way people do with ollie, do it in an informed way.)

so, right after the events of snowbirds, because roy was allowed to speak up and ollie was made to listen, at least as much as can be expected through his stubbornness, they’re in much better terms than people usually think. if you look at roy’s chronology, he interacts with ollie in his next few appearances (barring the teen titans ones), teaming up as they normally would, with the one difference being the emphasis that’s put into the fact that roy has grown away from ollie – in the same way as any young adult would grow away from a parent. there’s also roy’s resentment for ollie’s actions, but this resentment is portrayed as deserved and it doesn’t turn their interactions into something negative. it’s still clear that they both care for each other, and there’s certainly no hate.

[from action comics #436/2]

this first one takes place a few months after roy goes his own way. roy is in the middle of working a case when ollie gets involved, and they work on it together. green lantern #100/2 is their next appearance and has a similar plot, this time with dinah working with them as well. in both of these, they still work well together, are able to communicate in action and have each other’s backs.

in the action comics issue, ollie insists that roy is still welcome by his side, and that he should still feel free to ask for help whenever he needs it. roy refuses in the way that’s shown in the panels above – saying that he needs to “be a loner for a while” and build a life of his own (though it’s not an exact parallel, because ollie is ollie and takes “loner” to a whole other level, the wording here reminds me of the way ollie tends to leave on his own whenever he feels like he needs to find himself). you’ll see that these interactions aren’t hostile at all – quite the opposite.

world’s finest #251/3 might be the one where their interactions are the most tense, and that’s mostly just in the end. when they’re done with the usual superhero team-up, ollie shows willingness to talk to roy:

“i can’t help out. roy’s back, and, well– we’ve got a lot of talking to do.” through these issues, we realize that ollie has learned: his previous mistake was not paying enough attention to roy, and not showing him that he could always count on ollie (both in noticing roy’s addiction, but also before, in not taking enough care so roy wouldn’t get to that point). he tries to make up for it every chance he has, but it’s always on roy’s terms. everyone is aware that ollie is the one who was in the wrong, and it’s up to roy to forgive him or not, but no one ever pressures roy to do so. when roy doesn’t want to stay and talk, ollie accepts it.

ollie atones again and again, and their relationship isn’t magically fixed and they don’t go back to being close without effort �� effort which rightfully has to be done, again, mostly on ollie’s part. but they never, ever go so far as to hate each other.

then, in green arrow (1988) #75, ollie feels so bad about what happened between them, about the way he screwed up, he essentially says to roy that he wouldn’t fault him for wanting to shoot him. “so go ahead. god knows, you’ve got plenty of reason.” roy has been brainwashed here; he breaks through it because of ollie’s words. 

and, after this whole ordeal is done, this is how they part ways:

by this point, roy already has lian and a life of his own. he’s gone back to being speedy and then arsenal, he’s in the titans again and he will become a renowned hero in his own right. he might have forgiven ollie a long time ago, but now that he has found himself – like he set off to do at first – he seems more prepared to make amends and see where he stands with him (maybe i’m attributing more consistency among these issues, that happen years apart, than we should actually give them credit for, but i can’t help trying to find the common themes.)

after these, which are the most immediate interactions after snowbirds, we have multiple instances of them being close again. it’s in every small moment they have together, really, but off the top of my head, a couple that are illustrative for their relationship are green arrow: the archer’s quest and justice league of america (2006) #7, even though they don’t directly interact in this last one. i was gonna include panels from both, but this is getting long enough; i urge you to read them, especially if you followed along reading the issues i’ve mentioned, because they’re great. what i am gonna include, cause it’s amazing, is this panel from justice league of america wedding special.

in my opinion, these misconceptions around ollie and roy not only are a disservice to their characters but also mean that people are missing out on what i think is a really interesting relationship. it’s almost rare to see a relationship evolve in a way that feels so organic in comics, not only because the interpersonal conflict here is shown to have real, tangible consequences but also because the characters are allowed to grow in a way that is gradual and natural and even satisfying.

ollie and roy's relationship might have never been the exact same after snowbirds – but which father-son relationship stays the same after the son grows up? and i think it's a testament to the strength of their bond that without ever ignoring these events (because, as i’ve shown, they’re very much acknowledged again and again) they not only never stop loving each other, but are also able to keep building something meaningful going forward.

[waywardwrestlewritingwaif]

Better Late Than Never?

I had a few other ideas in the creative queue that I planned to do first but after watching TLC and Smackdown, this one just pushed its way to the front. Kevin is one of my long time favorites and not just because he’s from the place where I live. I seriously think that despite having been Universal Champion, US  Champion, and a major player for years, he’s still undervalued by WWE. Aside from his skills in ring, he is one of the Top 10 and possibly Top 5 promos in the world, whether as a heel or babyface. I hope 2021 is the year that he finally gets fully acknowledged. 

SO... Here’s a story featuring Kevin that’s about someone seeing just how wonderful he is. 

Pairing: Kevin Owens x reader

Word count: 3,627

Content advisory: swearing, references to sexual activity

You definitely need to be more diligent about moisturizing your legs. There’s a fine, powdery finish that lays over your dark skin like a kind of mildew or fungus and you can see a delicate web of white lines where your body cries out for hydration. You run your fingers along your tibia, wiping away the offending dust. It’ll be back in a few minutes but you like the feeling that it’s something that you can get rid of when you choose to. However, unless you plan on rubbing your fingers over your legs constantly, you need to be more diligent about moisturizing. 

It’s one of those details that’s become kind of fascinating during the hours you’ve been sitting here, getting a headache from the endless background noise and recycled air of the hospital, consciously stopping yourself from turning into one of those strident Karens who get up in the nurses faces and yell because they want their loved one to take priority over everything else. 

‘Loved ones.’

Even thinking the term makes you feel nervous, makes your dry skin shiver. You’re here in this hospital sitting vigil next to the bed of a man who’s been your friend for years, a sometime sparring partner, a frequent travel buddy, and a recent one night stand. But now he is very much a loved one and you wish he’d wake up from his medicated slumber so you could tell him. 

“I love you, Kevin Owens.”

There are a lot of visible welts and bruises on his skin. There’s a contusion on his cheek that’s so swollen it looks like someone’s inserted a balloon under his skin, a bruise so dark you can see it through his beard, and various ugly yellow and purple marks all the way down his torso. You know because, after the nurse had left the two of you alone, you lifted up his chintzy medical gown to survey the damage. 

You were allowed to do that, you figured. That’s one of the things that couples who loved each other never had to be shy about: showing their ugly parts and imperfections. If he would just wake up, you’d be happy to show him how dry and dusty your skin had gotten. If he’d just wake up. 

More concerning than the bruises are the split on his wrist and the bandaged ankle that’s been elevated to reduce the swelling, and the two dislocated ribs. Those are things that can put a wrestler on the shelf for months. You know, because you’re just getting the chance to get back in the ring yourself after you somehow managed to break your ankle in two places at once jumping from the top rope to the floor, a move you’d done a hundred thousand times without incident. You don’t want that for Kevin, not when he’s been on such an upward trajectory lately, not while he’s been so able to remind the powers that be of what an incredible talent he is. That ankle is already held together with Mac-Tac and positive thinking. It would break both your hearts to see him sidelined now. 

That’s how a woman in love reacts under these circumstances, you think. When her man is threatened, she becomes dangerously protective. She’d do anything possible and probably a few things that aren’t in order to save the person she’s in love with. And if the bastard would just wake up for a few seconds, you’d say that. 

Tenderly, you run your fingernails through the wiry scruff of his beard, careful to avoid touching the bruised skin. You let one finger, your so-called ring finger (that’s never had a ring on it) over the corner of his lips. You consciously choose that finger because the human body exerts the least pressure on it. You want him to wake up but not because you’re poking at him. But you can’t resist touching him a little. 

Even when you and Jey had been together, you and Kevin had been affectionate. It was one of the many points of conflict that you’d had with Jey, along with the fact that you swore so much that he was worried about introducing you to his mother, that you were a shit cook, and that your parents’ marriage had made you extremely dubious about the whole concept. 

You might consider marrying Kevon Owens, though, because he thought it was funny that you swore, that you had a tendency to drool in your sleep, who thought you were beautiful when you woke up even though you had crusts in your eyes, who was fine with ordering takeout or trying to cook something together that occasionally worked out. 

And maybe he would have asked if you hadn’t been so weird about everything. That was on you. 

You wouldn’t have described Kevin as one of your closest friends but he was definitely a guy you got along with, dating back to before you’d both signed to WWE. You’d even fought each other a couple of times, the last one being a PWG event where you’d failed to tuck your head up properly taking his signature package piledriver and ended up with a concussion. 

He’d apologized every time he saw you for six months, even after you were both in NXT, until you’d finally figured out a way to assuage his guilt about the whole incident. 

“You don’t need to keep apologizing, big boy,” you’d cooed, “just because I couldn’t handle your package.”

Then that had become a huge joke between you, and everyone assumed it meant that something had happened, that the two of you had done the horizontal mambo and were trying to get over it. You’d almost felt offended because you knew Kevin wasn’t exactly thought of as a hot property. At the same time, there was something about his rough persona, the character of a guy who’d just take what he wanted that made you think of what it would feel like for him to grab your wrists and pin you to the bed and…

Well, the two of you were always just friends. You were both experts at banter and setting the other up for funny lines. And you even found it easy to travel together, which coworkers found pretty remarkable. 

Normally, Kevin traveled with Sami, and if Sami wasn’t available, he traveled alone. But he’d come to accept you because he’d realized that any kind of travel put you to sleep almost immediately, which meant that he could have the peace he wanted and you could sleep without the guilt that other travel partners gave you for not doing your share of the driving, or at least being good enough company to keep them awake and alert by being good company. 

An announcement sounds, exceptionally loud as they all seem to be, over the internal broadcast system. 

“Housekeeping to triage with a wet mop and a bucket!”

You don’t even want to think what that means, but Kevin stirs just the tiniest bit and you’re excited that he might actually be coming out of it. Without even thinking about it, you lean over and press a soft kiss to his cheek, close to his lips, like he’s Sleeping Beauty and you’re Prince Charming. 

His facial muscles twitch a little but he remains unconscious. You are not Prince Charming. 

About a year ago, you’d started dating Jey Uso. He was so incredibly hot to you that you could barely stand to look at him. He’d joked around with you all the time and rather than come up with your usual retorts, you’d been unable to do anything but giggle uncomfortably. Naomi, who was your closest friend at the time, had sworn up and down that the two of you were perfect for each other. 

“Everything that I think makes Jey a dick compared to Jimmy to me makes it like he was meant for you,” she’d gushed. 

And she was right. After half a dozen times she’d insisted you ride with them (which had forced you to stay awake), made you eat with them, gotten you to hang out with them, you were totally smitten and you had a pretty good notion the sentiment was mutual. One night, the four of you had gone bowling and you and Jey had just spontaneously started making out. Considering it was girls against boys, it had kind of ruined bowling night. No one had cared. 

After that, you’d seen Kevin a lot less. You were a couple and you were more or less connected at the hip to another couple. But after eight or nine months things had started to go sour. And then Naomi and Jimmy got sidelined and it became obvious that you and Jey had stayed cool more or less for their benefit. 

You’d been the one to end things. He’d been adamant that what you had was worth fighting for, whereas you knew that the two of you were just too different to mesh in the long term. Being funny and being wrestlers wasn’t enough. It had felt unreal that he’d fought so hard to stop you from leaving him when he hadn’t seemed that happy having you with him. Sometimes, you’d wanted to relent because the good times with him had been some of the happiest of your life. Sometimes, you’d wanted to relent because sex with him had been amazing. But you’d managed to stand your ground, even though your ground left you pretty lonely. 

It wasn’t that Naomi didn’t understand, but once you’d broken up with Jey, things with her became awkward. And you were suddenly on lousy terms with Jimmy, who’d been a pal to you. Other friends were hard to talk to because you’d basically dropped them when you’d hooked up with Jey. But Kevin was happy to welcome you back. The two of you fell into the easy, comic interaction you’d had before and it was the first time in months you’d felt like yourself. 

A couple of weeks ago, it had gotten weird. Well, not weird. It had gotten sexual. You and Kevin had been excited about the fact that you both had matches on TLC, the first time you'd been on the same PPV. You’d started with actual champagne, or at least whatever sparkling wine the restaurant had in your price range. Then you’d moved on to real wine for your celebratory dinner. Then there was this amazing cocktail bar that had materialized right across the street from your restaurant and it wasn’t like either of you was tired. 

You’d been the one to make the move. You’d had a hunch that at some point, Kevin had developed a crush on you, something that had been put on ice during the time you’d been with Jey, but that had started to thaw in the time the two of you had been back to your old ways. You were two drinks into sampling what the cocktail bar had to offer when you’d dove in, smashing your mouth against his and pressing your tongue into his astonished mouth. The two of you had actually ordered a third round but had barely touched the glasses because you were all over each other, making out like horny teenagers before it occurred to you that you could just go back to your hotel and fuck like you were both so eager to do. 

And fuck you had. Everything between the bar and being in the hotel room naked was a blur, aside from the fact that you’d been going at it so heavily in the back seat of the cab that the driver got irritated and threatened to throw you out. You’d had a jubilant time throwing each other from one position to another and it seemed like Kevin had made you cum in every single one of them. And yet nothing had been so satisfying as looking at his face when he finally orgasmed, like every part of him, body and soul, released at once. You’d pretty much passed out together, embracing. 

When you saw him the next day at the Performance Center, he’d wrapped his arms around you and tried to kiss you in full view of other NXT and WWE personnel. You’d twisted away from him, unsure of what you wanted to do, but knowing you weren’t comfortable just having some new relationship in your life announced to the world without so much as a conversation. 

“Sorry,” Kevin had said, head bowed, “was that not ok?”

“No it wasn’t ok,” you responded tartly. “I never said we were a couple or anything. We fucked. We’re friends and we fucked once. That’s it.”

Kevin nodded but it looked more like his head was bobbling after a hard kick. He’d slunk away and the two of you hadn’t seen much of each other in the days since. You’d wanted to talk to him but it seemed like every time you got close to him, he’d run away or rush to the safety of a group of male friends. 

At first, you’d told yourself that you just wanted to tell him that you wanted things to go back to normal, but as you thought about things going back to normal, you realized that wasn’t what you wanted at all. Then, on the Friday night before TLC, looking at him as he staggered to the ring and declared to Roman Reigns that he’d take the WWE Universal Title or die trying, you’d realized that you were in love with him. You’d rushed to find him afterward but somehow, he’d eluded your grasp. But the thought remained at the front of your mind: you were completely in love with Kevin Owens. 

It had pained you seeing the beating that he took at the hands of Roman and Jey. In theory, Jey was attacking Kevin to ensure that Roman, the head of his tribe, won. In reality, you knew that Jey was dishing out extra punishment because he believed that you’d broken up with him for Kevin. Ok, you had to admit that maybe he’d picked up on something you hadn’t. But it killed you seeing Kevin suffer because of it. 

After the match, Kevin had once again eluded you, but that Friday, when he was helped away from his match, bleeding and bitter, you’d been waiting at the top of the ramp. You’d tagged along as they’d laid him onto the stretcher and attached an oxygen mask because they weren’t sure he was breathing properly on his own. And when the EMTs had asked if you were his significant other, you’d immediately nodded and jumped into the ambulance. Kevin had just enough time to look confused about your presence before the IV full of painkillers did its work and he slipped into blissful oblivion. 

They’d kept him medicated while they did various scans and scopes to evaluate the extent of the damage he’d suffered. And so, hours later, you were still perched at his side, waiting for him to come around. The doctor had insisted that he was better off asleep since that allowed him to rest and heal. You nodded in understanding, even as you imagined yourself shutting the IV drop off so that you could wake him up and let him know what you were feeling. 

You’d memorized every crack in the institutional-standard paint, every scratch on the tile floor, every nuance of the voice that periodically crackled over the loudspeaker, but you were determined that you were going to stay in place. You were going to tell Kevin Owens that you loved him the second he woke up and if he recoiled the way that you had when he’d tried to hug you. 

After about a hundred and thirty-eight years, his eyelids flutter and his brown eyes open, still glazed with drugs. It takes a couple of minutes before he registers where he is and who you are and what’s happened. 

“How bad is it?” he croaks, his throat crackling from dryness.

You pick up the plastic cup of water on the tray next to the bed and push the attached straw to his lips. He obediently sips, his eyes focusing on you as he recovers himself. 

“You took a lot of hits. You weren’t really up to the cage match. So it’s not great,” you inform him. 

He twists away from the straw and stares at the ceiling. 

“I’ll be fine,” he groans, his neck muscles tensing. “I always am.”

“Yeah, well you’re not going to be fine for a while. So just drink water and relax.”

“I don’t know why you’re here. You don’t need to feel guilty because your boyfriend fucked me up and fucked me over. You can go home.”

“He’s my ex-boyfriend. And I’m not here because of him. I’m here because of you.” You gulp, realizing that your moment has come. “Because I love you.”

Kevin grimaces and his eyes flit towards you but he angles his head away. 

He thinks you mean it like a friend, you guess. He doesn’t understand what you’ve just said. You grab his hand and pull yourself closer to him, so that you’re leaning halfway onto the narrow bed with him. 

“I love you, Kevin. And I’m sorry I was stupid when you tried to hug me and I’m sorry that I’ve been stupid and haven’t realized it before. But I really love you.”

He doesn’t say anything but he looks at you with an expression of innocence and surprise and he pulls on you a little so that you’re forced to crawl onto the bed with him.

“I’ve been sitting here for about eight hours trying to figure out some wonderful way to say this to you,” you whine. “But now my ass is asleep and my eyes are burning and I can’t think of any other thing to say. I love you. I don’t know how long I’ve felt this way and I don’t know why I never acted on it. I just need you to understand-”

“Ok, ok, I get it,” he says with a sigh. “You love me. That’s great. I love you too.”

“Really?”

“Yes, really. I’m the one who thought it meant something when we had sex, remember?”

“Hey,” you retort, placing your hand against his jaw and turning him to face you, “I did too. I just didn’t understand what it meant at first.”

Your lips come together softly and then urgently, until he twists away. 

“Ow,” he says, rubbing at his jaw. 

“Yeah, you definitely took a hit there.”

“You know, every time I hit Jey, I was thinking of you.”

“You know, everyone thinks you deserve to be the champion, but me most of all.”

Giving him a coquettish smile, you allow your hand to trail down to his thigh, curving towards the inner part. You can immediately feel a twitch from the one part of him that is definitely not injured. 

Sliding your hand under the thin fabric of his robe, you take hold of his member, already semi-erect, and begin stroking it, swirling your hand over the head and trailing your finger down the sensitive seam, reveling in the grunts and hums of pleasure this elicits from him. 

“What do you think you’re doing?!”

the sharp cry startles both of you enough that you sit up a little. The nurse, a middle-aged woman with wispy grey-brown hair pulled back from her care-worn face, stares furiously at both of you. 

“You can’t be doing anything like that,” she says sharply. “And you can’t just go climbing on the bed.”

Face burning, you slide back into your chair. 

“Now sir,” she says, haughtily turning her attention solely to Kevin and averting her gaze from the visible bulge under the thin bed sheet, “how would you describe your pain?”

“Painful,” Kevin quips, making you giggle a little. 

“On a scale of one to ten,” she snaps. 

“I’m a professional wrestler, so I’d say five was a normal day. Let’s call this a seven and a half.”

“So would you like the doctor to increase your dose of painkillers?”

“No,” he says thoughtfully. “I’d like the doctor to say it’s ok for my girlfriend to curl up in bed with me and take care of me.”

You smile broadly the second you hear him call you his girlfriend. 

The nurse rolls her eyes and walks away but as she does, both of you notice her covering her mouth to conceal how hard she’s laughing. Without even thinking, you clasp hands and as you watch her leave the room, you turn to look at each other. 

“You mean it?” you ask him. 

“Mean what?”

“That I’m your girlfriend.”

“Is there something else you wanna be?”

“I just want to be the woman you’re in love with and the one who you want to come home to.”

“Well that’s a given.”

You lean in and kiss his cheek. 

“Ow.”

“Sorry, I didn’t realize I hit a bruise.”

You let your lips trail over to his eyebrow and press a kiss there. 

“Ow.”

“I didn’t notice the cut,” you gush apologetically. 

He squeezes your hand and smiles at you, full of his incredible warmth, even though it’s tempered by the drugs he’s receiving. 

“Well I love you,” he sighs. “And don’t you worry. I’m about a half a CC of this juice from dragging you onto this bed and having my way with you.” 

You wind your hand and arm around his, so that you can pull him close enough for a kiss. 

“I hope they up your medication,” you murmur, “just so that I can make you relax while I show you everything I want to do to you.”

[sepublic]

Best Dad Perry Porter

           Anyhow, I think Perry Porter is up there as potentially being one of, if not THE best parent in this show? At least, potentially tied with Eda?

           I say this, because the state of a kid is usually a reflection of their parent’s skills in raising them. And Gus… Gus is honestly one of, if not the most, well-adjusted characters in the show! In Episode 6, he says he knows what he’s good at- Gus understands himself well and has no reservations about who he is, no insecurity. He has the charisma and self-confidence to be a leader and even an MC at Grom, skills he no doubt picked up from Perry. And Gus… This kid CLEARLY loves and looks up to his dad and thinks he’s the coolest person ever, with how much he emulates Perry, and how seriously Gus treats his interview in Understanding Willow! He really wants to live up to his dad’s legacy, but it’s not out of some sense of expectation from his father, either… It’s all Gus’ genuine choice, I doubt Perry is putting him up to it!

           Because again… Gus is clearly happy with himself. He outright alludes to being proud of his Porter lineage, as Eda jokes about him being a dweebus- And Gus proudly asserts that he comes from a long line of dweebuses! He knows who he is, Gus has no shame and openly revels in it. And that… that says a LOT about Perry, probably- As a parent who likely engages with his kid often and lets him know about their family lineage. As someone supportive of Gus’ interests, because Gus has no reservations about his intrigue in human culture… And as someone who Gus actually admires and wants to live up to, not because anybody is expecting him, but because Perry is his own role model! It all points towards Perry being someone who reassures Gus on who he is, that he doesn’t have to be what he’s not for others, and that he can take pride in it…

           And, sure. We can all look at Something Ventured, Someone Framed. Gus has insecurities about being overlooked because he’s younger than the rest, and moved up a few grades. But the thing is… well, Gus is a person. Everyone is going to have insecurities, no matter how good their life is. He’s not perfect, he’s flawed just like anyone else, and I doubt it points towards any bad parenting of Perry’s anyway. While there is SOME social apprehension that Gus has over moving up multiple grades, it’s still a decision he’s continued to stick with. If the show’s handling of Willow’s discomfort in Abominations is any consideration, then if Gus genuinely had issues with being in a higher grade, we probably would’ve had this addressed and changed by now.

           But despite the drawbacks here or there, I think it’s a decision that Gus willingly made and accepted, and I don’t think he regrets advancing a few grades! It’s what he wanted, it’s just that in life, not everything is perfect, not even the best option… And even if it was, again. Gus is still allowed to feel imperfect about things. And as a parent, there’s only so much that Perry can do for his kid… And as it stands, I think he’s done a LOT. Because when Gus hijacks Perry’s broadcast in the season finale, bar some embarrassment… Perry doesn’t seem too upset? He’s a very accommodating and open-minded father, which likely relates to his profession. Not only that, but he allows Willow and his son to take over the broadcast, and his expression and body language clearly allude to Perry legit listening to what these kids have to say, and taking that into account.

           Like Eda, Perry is someone who knows that he doesn’t know everything, neither as an adult nor as a parent; And while he knows a lot more than his son and is the one meant to guide and educate him… Perry still recognizes the value and worth of what his son and another kid has to say. He knows that good information and points can come from anywhere, and he’s willing to listen and take into consideration, and seems somewhat convinced no less! I can see him encouraging and feeding into the rebellion against Belos…

          Not to mention, as a reporter Perry no doubt has taught Gus a lot about how to be critical of authority and information, to always question what’s given to you, and to think carefully about things and the way a situation presents itself! While it’s possible he was never given the chance to say so, it’s worth noting that Gus never expresses any of Belos’ propaganda as a fact he believes in- When even Willow briefly alludes to Belos’ way of magic being the ‘correct’ way, even after suffering from his system for a while. As a reporter, Perry has probably done at least some research and investigation, or is at least more aware of what the Emperor’s Coven does an outsider, than anyone else.

           So, we have Perry probably educating Gus on anything sus on Belos’ behalf… In addition to encouraging his kid’s interests, probably having caused them as well; I can see Perry’s reports on abnormal things here or there (like a giraffe sighting as evidenced by one background detail) leading to a discussion of humans, which sparked Gus’ curiosity. I can see Perry doing his own research for Gus’ sake… Maybe enjoying hobbies and mutual interests with his son as both a father and best friend! Because Perry is clearly someone that Gus feels safe around, that he can be open and completely honest. Gus was someone who lit up Willow’s life and made her feel so much better, prior to Luz’s arrival…

          And I think we can guess where Gus got these welcoming qualities from, that willingness to engage with others socially and get them to open up more about themselves. Reporters tend to be great listeners or are at least meant to be… And I can see Gus’ receptiveness contributing to his desire to create a space where others can feel heard instead of ignored, as he once did with the H.A.S.! Gus is a supportive kid, someone who gives a voice to others… We see this literally in Episode 6, when his spell amplifies the volume of Luz’s voice. And his illusions can buff up Willow’s plants as well. As the son of a reporter, he gives people a platform to speak on, as he encourages with King during Grom… Gus clearly embodies the best qualities of his father’s profession, so I think it’s safe to say that Perry has been an overwhelmingly positive influence in his life!

           Not to say that Perry CAN’T have his faults… But so does every parent, and I think Perry is doing an amazing job as-is. I suppose in many ways, he’s like Eda as someone who likely interferes with the Emperor’s Coven in their own ways, while allowing a kid to feel heard and listened to, while reminding them of their value as a person and helping them acknowledge and embrace who they are! Granted, Perry doesn’t exactly have much competition either… There’s the Blight Parents, who are objectively the worst. Then there’s Camila and the Park Parents… And while those latter options are no doubt amazing, kind, and considerate people –if their kids are any indication- admittedly their parenting has been marred by a bad decision here, or there… Camila wanted Luz to suppress herself, and Willow’s dads encouraged her to join Abominations instead of her Plant passions, because it had better opportunities.

           Which, that can be its own discussion entirely, on how Camila and Willow’s Dads truly want the best and would love to let their kids be who they are and self-actualize, but because of their position in society, they need to prioritize their kid’s success in life… Because it’s obvious that Luz and Willow regard their parents with a lot of love, and with good reason! I think that Camila and Willow’s dads are just stuck in a scenario where they used to be super-supportive of their child and still are… But pressure by the system mandates that they want their kid to be less lonely, and there’s not much they know or can do in this circumstance. That gets into the idea of how being an ideal parent is difficult, when in order to survive in a conforming system you have to play by its rules… And how a lot of people just don’t have the luxury nor privilege to be the best parents they can be.

           So, I guess that could open up for debate, the idea that Camila and Willow’s dads could be just as good as Perry, if in the same situation as him… And, I’m not exactly sure of Perry’s social standing, and I don’t know how well-off being a reporter is. But with the evidence as it currently is, with what we’re working with? I think Perry and Eda are tied and deadlocked as the best parents in this show… Just as Luz and Gus are among the most well-adjusted of the cast, all things considered! They’re both kids who uplift others… Fitting, given Luz’s associations with flight and Owls, amidst the way the show’s own opening initially frames her!

          And these two kids serve as a contrast to the Emperor’s Coven, with its gilded, angelic imagery and wings meant to uplift others above the rest to a heavenly degree… But it’s a false uplifting based on forced hierarchy and putting others down, while Gus and Luz allow others to self-actualize, fly free, and be who they truly are! You can tell their parents really tried and left their impact, huh? Obviously Luz and Gus are their own people with their own agency in who they become- But having a healthy environment and support network is ALWAYS helpful in allowing others to utilize that agency. And I think Eda and Perry did good, if not great, in giving their kids the platform and environment, the safety net needed, to work and make themselves into the best witches they can be!

[ralphsspiritualstuff]

Moon Sign Interpretations

I used to not be a huge fan of pre-made interpretations, but I remember when I first started studying astrology how helpful they really were in getting me to where I am now. So, that being said, here we go.  *If you resonate with this post (or if you do not), please drop a comment and/or share. Feedback is always helpful! Plus, it’s always fun to hear what people who HAVE a certain placement have to say about their experience with it.* What is the moon? It represents our intuition, of course. How we see the unseen, how we feel what we can’t directly view. Each sign has its own way of doing that.  Moon in Aries: This placement tends to see things as they are. In fact, of all the moon signs, they’re the least likely to assume or read into anything. This is a double edged sword, as they read into something, but they are also extremely likely to miss something “between the lines” in another person’s actions. They also have a tendency to assume that everyone is as direct as they are, and can become frustrated by the roundabout other moon placements go about things. Their simplicity, however, allows them be firm in their opinions and devote less time to forming them and more time to acting on them. Sometimes Aries moons are inaccurately judged as mean or trying to be hurtful when they are simply unaware something was expected of them. This sign is almost never devious, and when they are upset, they are well aware and will make sure you are as well.  Moon in Taurus: This placement tend to decide very quickly whether or not they like something. It takes quite a bit to get them to change their mind, since their instincts are going to insist that they stand their ground. Even when they do change their minds, Taurus moons can be prone to harboring a lingering sense of their original judgement call. This rootedness in their opinion, however, makes them much more difficult to deceive, as they don’t forget their original perception of how something was once they see it. 

Moon in Gemini: This placement tends to be the hardest for other moons to pin down. Gemini is possibly the most versatile placement for the moon, as someone with this placement can feel one way one moment, and then completely different later on. This emotional range can cause them to be prone to a bit of an identity crisis, as they easily identify with very different groups of people. As quickly as they arrived at an opinion, they’ve found someone else with a new way to look at it to listen to. 

Moon in Cancer: This placement has an amazing capacity to gain an intuitive feel for just about anything. It analyzes and feels situations in great depth, far more than other moon placements do. Because of the amount of emotional energy this placement expends in gaining a strong understanding of its initial experience with something, it can become upset when it has to redo this learning in a new environment.  Their strong understanding comes from a tendency to estimate, because they instinctively know they don’t always see the whole picture. So, they fill in the details with their imaginations. On one hand, their estimations can seem almost psychically accurate, but occasionally they get too much in their own heads trying to figure something out and are a bit off. While it is capable of adapting, it takes it much longer to do so than faster placements because of the amount of work that goes into gaining real understanding rather than cursory knowledge. Cancer moons can be prone to “rejecting the new” (people, ideas, ect) as a result, but eventually do warm up to it. 

Moon in Leo: This placement is often hyper-aware, subconsciously, of how precious their time is. They can sometimes appear to other placements as conceited or too self-important to be bothered, but they are probably the only placement who realized how precious life is. Now, they tend to direct this thought more towards their own life, but they can also have extremely warm and inspiring opinions for those they care about because they intuitively feel how precious and amazing those people are. 

Moon in Virgo: This placement, while actually quite peaceful by nature, is easily stressed out. Once they are made aware of an issue (contrary to popular belief, they do not LOOK for things to correct, those things are forced into their awareness) they have an intense compulsion to fix it. Virgo is quite spiritual by nature and has a natural understanding that small things are best handled before they become bigger things. This sense of how things incur over time leads them to want to do everything NOW, despite their frustrating human limitations. They can also feel bitter because they are painfully aware of how many things they can’t control are going to snowball, but without them so many things that are in their control do NOT snowball, and most other placements do not realize how frequently this is the case. 

Moon in Libra: This placement has the unusual ability to understand both sides of an issue and simultaneously empathize with both points and neither of them at the same time. While most people assume those with this placement are stuck between seeing two ideas as equally good, they are more often in the precarious position of seeing both options as equally bad, and are forced to come up with an alternative. To reiterate, they do not have a hard time deciding. Most of the time, when given two choices, a Libra moon’s instinct is to sort of “nope” out of them both, giving the illusion of indecision. This is because they intuitively know there is a better option to be found somewhere. This can, however, take a lot of time to discover, and sometimes opportunities where taking the lesser of two evils would have been preferable to inaction pass them by. Just as often, though, they find an option that is better than either original proposition.  Moon in Scorpio: This placement tends to be pretty chill. While outwardly, they may seem sad, they typically just have resting bitch face (I’m sorry, but you know it’s true.) and are in a calm state. Scorpio moons understand that everything in our world is temporary. They’re actually capable of feeling immense joy because of how present they can be in an imperfect moment. Other placements can’t seem to understand why something makes them so darn happy, while they seemingly don’t care about anything else in the world. The simple answer is that when they’re happy, they know they weren’t owed it and there’s no guarantee it’ll happen ever again, so they feel it all at once. This can also leave them apathetic to others’ pain, because to them, the awareness of something’s temporary nature is so plain it’s almost funny to them when someone else thought something would last forever. They aren’t as callous as they appear, but they will always be reserved around those who do not share their understanding of how fleeting things really are. 

Moon in Sagittarius: This placement has an intuitive understanding that there is always something more to be found, whether it be in a person’s actions, an event they watch happen, or even their own understanding and existence. They are constantly trying to figure out how things relate. The world, however, has many layers and while Sagittarius moons accurately connect some of those layers, sometimes they miss others and think they have the whole picture before they do. Often times, they have enough of the picture put together to make something work that everyone else assumed would fail, but other times they have to completely redraw their mental map from scratch, which they do with surprising glee and fervor. That forward drive allows them to recover from things that would cripple other placements, although they may find those situations are often self made. 

Moon in Capricorn: This placement embody’s survival of the fittest. They can seem cold, but really, the just have a strong sense of what will work and what will not. They are often ashamed of their own flaws far more than other placements, and tend to cope by compensating heavily with growing stronger. Capricorn moons have a very hard time ignoring facts for their own comfort, much less the comfort of others. Concrete truths ring true to their core, and as much as they may try to bend them, they always come back to what they know will work and what will not based on the facts. 

Moon in Aquarius: This placement has a natural curiosity unparalleled by other placements. They can be prone to intrusive thoughts and impulsive actions because they simply want to see what will happen, and may do things that go against widely accepted social codes both intentionally and unintentionally. They learn how to intuitively find solutions to a multitude of life’s problems, but are much more interested in finding the solutions than implementing them. This can leave them in a great position to give advice to other people and even themselves, but unless the circumstances are compelling, their unlikely to follow their own good advice. They simply prefer to find a different way to do something. It looks like reinventing the wheel from the outside, but for Moon in Aquarius folks, life is simply begging to be played with, and doing something the simple way isn’t living at all. It may take them years, but they almost always find a workaround. 

Moon in Pisces: This placement instinctively reverses everything it feels. While they do connect to the opinions and feelings of others, their tendency to also acknowledge the opposite position can leave them feeling equally connected and isolated, as if they have a second personality. Pisces moons can exist in two worlds at once completely, which tends to manifest as inaction on their part. While they may outwardly act one way, their imagination compensates by wondering how things would go if they did they exact opposite of what they do. Their dual nature can make them easy to connect with halfway, but almost impossible to connect with fully. They can seem a little melancholy on the outside because they feel a sense of sadness that other placements can’t keep up with how fast their imagination works and how crucial understanding their imagination is to understanding not just how they interact with the world, but how they feel about those interactions. 

FREE READING OPPORTUNITY

If you liked this interpretation of your moon (or someone else’s moon) and are curious about a reading with me, I’m actively screening for participants in a research project that includes doing a free reading for anyone selected. I have a survey to find candidates who meet the criteria I’m doing research on. 

https://www.survio.com/survey/d/R0Y8Y8C5U8B5U5S4U

I strongly encourage you to share this link with your friends who are maybe on the fence about astrology, as I’m trying to get a decent sample size. If everyone I survey are astrologers themselves it could impact my results. Normally I do not offer free readings to people I don’t know, but it’s essential I don’t have a personal relationship with the person I’m reading for this particular study. 

Anyhoo, I hope to hear from you soon!

-Ralph

[transjinako]

I was looking at Yugioh cards and was inspired to make Pierre Simon Laplace a servant so here she is. 

Foreigner: Pierre-Simon Laplace 

Alignment: Chaotic Good

Parameters: 

Strength: C+ 

Endurance: C+

Agility: B+ 

Luck: B+ 

Mana: A 

NP: A+

Traits: Existence outside of the Domain B+, Territory Creation A, Cosmic Core A+ 

Skills: 

Laplace Transform! EX: The Laplace Transform is a mathematic transformation of a function of a real variable into a complex one, done on a Complex Frequency. However, this term is often used to call up Laplace’s suit of armor. Laplace says quite assuredly that her suit is made along the basis of the Laplace Transform equation, though no one can possibly follow her reasoning when she explains. 

It is therefore obvious that... B-: Laplace was and still is a true genius, her mind moving and deducing at speeds that could even rival certain detectives. She is able to come upon ideas and theories that would be beyond anyone’s reasonable way of thinking, so even though her mind rivals that of a certain detective, she can’t quite explain her ideas well to others so the skill isn’t as strong as it could be. 

Ultra Heavy Stars A-: A destructive skill that carried over from Laplace’s approaching of a black hole. These Ultra Heavy stars are weapons Laplace often uses in combat, their gravity pulling in light, magic and anyone else too close to it’s vicinity, anything that touches it’s surface is quickly crushed from is deadly pull. However, due to their imperfect nature, they can’t last too long and collapse in on themselves soon after creation. 

Noble Phantasms: 

Laplace’s DAEMON 

Rank: A

Type: Anti Causality 

Description: Laplace had theorized that a higher being, or someone or something that understands the universe from the stars and planets in the sky to the tiniest atom would not see the past as the cause of the present, nor the present as the causality of the future as normal humans do. Instead, it would see all events laid out before it as though it were a complete mechanism. With the help of her suit, the Arcueil, Laplace is able to expand the limitations of her mind in order to see the past present and future as if they were all the same time. Technically speaking, it is not precognition, as this skill moves the user to the perspective of an outsider looking in, the forward movement of time being meaningless to that thought process. It cannot be considered to be divining one’s Destiny either, as it also takes in account the many variables of events. All this to say, Laplace is the only one able to comprehend and apply what she learns from this Noble Phantasm. 

The Arcueil

Rank: B++

Type: Anti Divine 

Description: The suit of armor Laplace transforms into when going into battle. It was created for the soul purpose of learning more about the galaxy, the solar system, the stars, while also being made with them in mind. It draws on the power of the solar system thanks to Laplace’s deep understanding of it’s harmony. The suit was also made to prove that the solar system is a function of nature rather than something divine or otherworldly controlling everything, as such, it gains the power of nature to stand in defiance of higher beings that claim to have created and control it. In another dimension entirely, it would likely be the basis for a certain police force from space. 

The Harmony of Nature 

Rank: EX

Type: Anti Threat Against Nature 

Description: This noble phantasm is the culmination of Laplace’s relationship with nature as well as the solar system. As someone who researched the solar system as well as the forces of nature, she has become extremely close to it. In respect to her harmony, her automation, her infinite complexity toward her simple goals, Laplace can only ask to power the power of nature so that she might be able to protect her. When granted this blessing, it is something akin to the Anima Animusphere, although instead of controlling the stars and planets to her will, she moves with their will. For just a short while she becomes a part of the infinitely complex mechanism that is Nature for the sole purpose of protecting it. 

(All that being said, the attack she uses while in this state tends to be a destructive kick from the air, it looks extremely heroic.) 

Description of Servant: Laplace is a strange case when in person. She is almost always wearing her armor, looking more like a robot than anything. She doesn’t put off the disposition of being a friendly person, as she can be quite robotic, dry and maybe overly logical, but she really is. She can easily get lost in telling people the things she has learned and in kind learning about others and what they know as well. She can be pretty socially dense, she doesn’t quite know when people don’t like her so she goes along acting friendly toward them when she can, it can be pretty charming in some cases. 

The reason Laplace is always wearing her Arcueil is because it allows her to be closer to nature, which might seem odd to others but when you consider how much of her life she threw into the study of astronomy you might be more understanding. She can be convinced to present herself as a normal human at times though, as that can be another way of being a part of nature, but also when she figures she doesn’t need to constantly monitor her surroundings. 

Although her alignment does claim her to be Good, she works chiefly for the good of the world. You might think a certain greater being had influenced her, but that is simply the way she is. She doesn’t hold humanity’s importance over that of the world, but she does acknowledge that humans have a duty to know about the world and defend it together, this is what drives her to keep teaching and defending humanity. 

Interactions: 

Voyager: Oooh, I know of you, little traveler, but not about you. If I could be a little bold...maybe you might be able to recount me on your findings personally? If it wouldn’t trouble you at all, as well as how you were made. You are a machine, yes? Perhaps I can use you to improve my...ah? Oh, don’t worry, I would never take you apart. You are much too precious. 

MHXX: Is that…? E-excuse me, officer…? Ah, yes we are very much matching. Ahem, who exactly...made that? I- yes, yes your suit is very cool. Regal as well, in its own way. But I just wanted to ask- my own? Erm, well, I was inspired by nocturnal birds, as they use the stars to navigate and- Y-yes! I would like to talk more sometime! Uh, see you...later? ...I couldn’t even ask where she acquired such an armor….

Waver: That Waver fellow reminds me of some of my own colleagues and professors, though he is a lot more pleasant to be around. He’s also quite expressive, i’ve been able to tell when the things i say fly right over his head several times now.

BB: A being from the moon, or rather, an AI from the moon’s supercomputer. She’s incredibly strange but….interesting too...perhaps she would let me study her, or perhaps help me study the moon some? But then again, even I can pick up on those murderous vibes so...maybe i’ll ask someone else…

Da Vinci: Ah! Madam Da Vinci! Might I join you in the lab today? I promise I will only look over the shoulder and not add too much input, I know it harms your focus! Er, not even over the shoulder? I have to sit next to Holmes…? Well...as long as he is...all up there…

Jeanne Alter: Oh hello Master, I was only popping in to get some of my books. You see, Madame Alter seems to be interested in some of my work. I saw her reading a book of mine, muttering it out loud, when our eyes caught. I was happy to give her a more personal account of course, though I do hope I didn't catch her at a bad time. When I left she seemed slumped over, as though tired. Ah, well, I can at least lend her more of my books. 

Sun Servants: You all claim to be the sun itself...Well. There are three of you and yet only one sun so- o-oh your all the sun, together. Well, and I do not wish to...question any of your logic. But perhaps you merely...derive your power from the sun instead of- Ah, as I said, lord Ozymandias, I do not wish to question- hm, Ms Quetzalcoatal I do not wish to challenge you for- Oh...it's part of your...appeal? Ms Tamamo? ….I see...n-nevermind.

Napoleon: Oh. Napoleon. Hm. Oh, don’t worry, master, we don’t have a...terrible relationship per say, but I definitely wouldn’t call us friends, even if he insists on such. We have, an understanding, I suppose. So I can tolerate him for the most part. 

[wild-aloof-rebel]

Some Favorite Fics from 2019

Before I dive into my list, let me send out some love to ALL of the authors who have contributed fic to this fandom this year. There are well over 300 people who wrote Schitt’s Creek fic this year, and you’ve brought joy to so many people and should be super proud of what you’ve written, whether it was only 100 words or 100k. I’ve personally read more than 6.5 million words of fic in this fandom this year, and I want to thank you all for every single one of them. <3

Now, in continuing this year-end love fest we’ve had going on the last few days, I also want to highlight some of my favorite fics from this year. I decided to cut myself off at twenty fics or we’d end up with a list too big to be allowed, lol. I also decided to limit myself to one fic per author in order to spread the love around as much as possible; there would definitely be some repeat authors on this list otherwise. 

And now with all that in mind, I’ll shut up and get on with it. 

Here are twenty of my favorite fics from this year and what I love about them...

this roof is a blanket by withkissesfour • rated M • 3k+ I love Patrick-centric fics. He’s such a beautiful character, but because he isn’t one of the four Roses, we miss out on a lot of his pov in the show, so I’m always here for fics that try to capture that. And this one does it beautifully, focusing on four different but thematically-connected moments in Patrick’s life.

We’re Getting Something for Free by MoreHuman • rated G • 1k+ This is one of those fics where you can see how much Patrick KNOWS David and loves him for exactly who he is. His refusal to let David villainize himself for just being who he is makes my heart so very happy.

Heart of Gold by barelypink • rated M • 40k+ I love love LOVE a good AU, but AUs based on other media can be really tricky to get right. The best ones take elements from both sources and elevate them into something fresh and new, and this fic does exactly that.

now you see me by grapehyasynth • rated T • 4k+ Did I mention that I love AUs? I never get tired of seeing them meet in new ways, and their New York-set blind date in this one just makes me smile a whole hell of a lot.

I’m All Lost (in the supermarket) by sullymygoodname • rated G • 9k+ This fic combines David “Good Person” Rose, headless mannequins, tiny cardboard houses, karaoke, ugly sweaters, and all the friendship and shenanigans you can possibly stand. What’s not to love?

I know, I’m strange, too much light makes me nervous by another_Hero • rated T • 4k+ I’m so in love with the entire premise for this soulmate AU and everything that it says about love and the choices that we make because of it.

Pizza Night by smoulderandbraids • rated M • 4k+ Sometimes you just need to read about them making pizza and making out. Thank goodness this fic exists for those times. It’s a straightforward concept executed perfectly.

cinnamon sugar... by startswithhope • rated T • 1k+ All of startswithhope’s fics have a lovely softness to them that almost seems nostalgic, like you can feel yourself missing them before you’re even done reading them. This one I think captures that feeling best and most explicitly--David’s mood here is exactly that kind of nostalgia. And his thoughts about Stevie near the beginning are something that I’ve found myself thinking about over and over again since I first read this.

On My Way by Distractivate • rated M • 11k+ As much as I love the happy place that is this show, I also really love fic that acknowledges that sometimes relationships are hard, that things aren’t always perfect, that love is a CHOICE which has to be actively made again and again and again. This fic showcases exactly that. Love isn’t always easy, but choosing to love each other anyway is always worth it.

around us by lamphouse • rated G • 1k+ This one is a simple idea, written with a soft touch, and every time I re-read it, I’m crying by the time David says “I want to stand still.”

of all the riches. by falconeggs • rated T • 9k+ Who doesn’t love a good celebrity AU? This one is as cute as you could possibly want it to be, from their first meeting to taking their relationship public. It’s just a little slice of joy.

Overreacting by codswallop • rated M • 17k+ Fics dealing with hospital visits and illnesses and things of that sort can easily tip over into whumpy territory (which is totally fine if that’s what you’re looking for), but this fic goes a different direction and manages to be funny and sweet and charming while balancing the anxiety of waiting for news. David and Patrick’s dynamic here is so good; they’re both sharp and funny and vulnerable and messy in turn, joking like normal when they can, lifting each other up when they can’t.

101 by Hth • rated E • 8k+ Like I said, I love fics that acknowledge that things aren’t always perfect, and there’s nothing more rife for imperfection than a first night spent together. Their night at Stevie’s is the perfect setting for starting to navigate some difficult conversations, especially in the wake of Jake’s unexpected appearance, and this fic does a great job of getting them through the nerves and the talking and the the stops and starts of that night. And their last two lines of dialogue are perfection.

The Sidelines by wildhoneypie • rated T • 5k+ Comedy is so much harder to write than you might expect, and I am constantly awed by how well this fic does it. It feels effortless and in-character and in line with the kind of humor that beats at the heart of the show, all while still capturing that instant, playful attraction between David and Patrick. It’s just such a fun read.

holy sick divine by earlylight • rated T • 36k+ If the tags “Strangers who Met in a Field to Coworkers to Friends to Lovers” and “Paperwork - But Make It Sexy” don’t endear you to this fic before you even start it, I don’t know what to tell you. My favorite part of this story is actually the role reversal of Patrick being Stevie’s best friend, Patrick having dated Jake, etc. That’s just one way that this fic takes everything we know and turns it on its head, and it does it with good humor and such a strange sweetness. It’s utterly unique, and the final scene just burrows down into your heart and sets up house there.

A Fair Return by thingswithwings • rated E • 237k+ This is probably the most insanely well-crafted canon retelling I’ve seen in my life. It adds so much backstory to the show and makes you rethink scenes you know intimately, which is what any good canon retelling should do. The OCs and the ways they’re carved into the structure of the story we know are where this fic particularly shines; it’s so, so well done.

my heart was broke, my head was sore by blueink3• rated M • 31k+ I think the only thing better than fake dating might be the exact reverse: having to pretend you’re not dating when you are. Even though they’re technically together, there’s just so much opportunity for pining and angst (both of which blueink3 always does SO fucking well), and this fic takes that to another level by adding in the fragile newness of their relationship and the anxiety of a family medical scare. David is so, so careful with Patrick here, and I love every single word of it.

let’s go dancing in the light by goingmywaydoll • rated G • 2k+ It was so difficult to narrow this down to one fic by goingmywaydoll because I absolutely love everything she does, but ultimately I went with her first one for this fandom. I’m SUCH a sucker for David and Patrick seeing each other before the wedding, and David having anxiety about not having anxiety is pretty much the most David thing possible. The characterization, the dialogue, the whole entire mood of the fic--it’s all absolutely spot-on. This one is everything I could ever want from wedding fic.

for feelings unbound by wardo_wedidit • rated E • 20k+ Picking one single fic by wardo_wedidit was also a near-impossible task, but ultimately I had to go with this one because it’s honestly perfect. David’s empath abilities add SO much to his characterization and the trajectory of his relationship with Patrick, and it fills this fic with so many gorgeous moments that leave you feeling like maybe there really is magic in the world--and this fic has plenty of it.

Watching Through Windows by helvetica_upstart • rated E • 38k+ Every single moment of this fic is heartbreaking in the best possible way. Reading it is like cracking yourself open and then putting yourself back together a little stronger. Watching David learn about the man he’d grown into and have to decide if he wants to (or even can) become that man all over again is simultaneously gut-wrenching and soul-healing. And Patrick in this fic--god, what can I even say about him? He’s so understanding and GOOD, even when he’s terrified and heartbroken. He is absolutely everything. Everything. This story is 100% perfection from start to finish, and the bench scene in particular is hands down the best scene in any fic I’ve read this year.

[mikhalsarah]

RIP Open Orthodoxy, eaten alive by parasitic “Wokeness”...

There are already three streams of Judaism where women can be rabbis (Conservative/Masorti, Reform, and Reconstructionist), I should know, I belong to one of them. I’ve never entirely understood the Orthodox commitment to sidelining women in this day and age, but the simple fact is, people who are unhappy with Orthodox halakhah in this area have other places to pray, and the stubborn refusal to pray in any of “those places”, yet fighting tooth and nail to make their own shuls become just like them, smack of a weird sort of snobbish attachment to the word “orthodoxy”....even though the rest of Orthodox is but a hair’s breadth from considering them a treif liberal “fake” Judaism like the rest of us already.

As difficult, but possible, as the issue of female rabbis would be to bring about, (seeing as it is a rabbinic prohibition based largely on cultural attitudes no longer in play in western society), the issue of getting the Orthodox to accept gay couples is another matter. Again, not an insurmountable issue, Centrist Orthodox Rabbi Schmuley Boteach has written quite openly about the need to find a place in Orthodox shuls for gay and lesbian Jews. However Orthodox culture is never going to let them hold hands during service or kiddush, for the simple reason that public displays of sexual/romantic affection, even between heterosexual married couples, are frowned upon everywhere from the sanctuary to the grocery store, due to the strong feeling that sexuality should be put aside, or sublimated, when encountering certain kinds of holiness (engaging in prayer etc). Of course, that does not mean that in Judaism sex is the opposite of holiness in some way, or else it would be forbidden to have sex on Shabbat. Since marital sex is a mitzvah (commandment, meritorious act) on Shabbat, better to understand it as a different kind of holiness, one that is not compatible with some other mitzvot (like prayer) or with public life in general. Sexuality itself is a sort of holiness surrounded by taboos and necessitating the utmost privacy in Judaism, so this is ironically probably the hill Orthodoxy would die on, not figuring out how to tolerate the gays.

I heartily agree that it’s time to stop being racist to the Palestinians. Strange though that a “Woke” rabbi still can’t bring himself to call them what they call themselves, and in typical Israeli/Zionist  fashion emphasizes their Arab otheness, rather than their indigenousness...thus making it seem rather like a favour being granted to them out of the goodness of his Woke heart, rather than an acknowledgement of their intrinsic belongingness. (This kind of stuff is typical for Woke social justice, which consistently cares far more about virtue-signalling and screaming at “white people”, or whomever else is deemed an Oppressor in the situation, than listening and paying attention to those who are actually oppressed.)

I spent decades of my life as a vegetarian, years of that as a vegan. Even though for medical reasons I had to adopt a diet which relies on meat for sufficient protein, I still try to limit my meat consumption. I am very pleased that so many people are seeing the value of vegetarian and vegan diets, and that even regular omnivore folk are adopting “meatless Mondays” and so forth. I’d be even better pleased with governments helping to encourage it by working to make it less expensive if/where possible. I’d nod my head approvingly if rabbis suggested meat-eating be reserved for Shabbat, if one didn’t feel able to give it up entirely. However, even when I didn’t practice (Judaism) and was secular it would never have occurred to me to ban it wholesale. I’m just not Puritan enough for banning things, I prefer the Quakerly ways of  “convincement”. The Woke, on the other hand, are full-bore Puritan, convert-the-heathen-masses.

This is perhaps the strangest part of entire essay. This newly minted “rabbi” is publicly expressing the desire to not just overhaul a big chunk of halakhah in order to make Judaism less restrictive and bring it further into line with the mores of the gentile world... a process that has been going on forever, whether excessively quickly (Reform) or excruciatingly slowly (Haredi)... but is calling to make Judaism more restrictive in other ways, by banning things permitted by halakhah which happens never or so infrequently that I can’t recall an instance offhand. And he’s willing to use secular governments to achieve it by force.

I recall hearing conservatives decades ago saying “Inside the heart of every liberal is a fascist screaming to get out” and laughing derisively at how they could think that. I laugh no more, though I contend that it is a particular species of illiberal liberal, known as the progressive activist, that is to blame rather than liberals in general. Still...there it is, and the regular liberals are generally no help opposing their own extremists because deep down they harbour that intrinsic liberal guilt that they are never doing enough or being enough to be truly authentic and useful. For authenticity and “real change” they look ever to the fringes, on the assumption that the more wildly opposed to society in general an ideology is, the better it is, if only they weren’t too cowardly and comfortable to join up and suffer like the “real” activists. 

I have to add here, how nice it is despite not having set foot in any shul in over a year, to still have something of the religious Jewish mindset, which makes impressive demands on your time, money, and moral fastidiousness, but at the same time reminds you constantly that you’ll never be perfect and will never accomplish everything you want or that God asks of you and God already accepts that as a given. “It is not yours to complete the task (of repairing the world), but neither are you free to desist from it.” -Pirkei Avot 2:21. Despite the reputation Judaism has for being guilt-inducing, at least we are free from the overwhelming and psychologically destructive levels of guilt induced by secular liberalism, which now has decided, via Wokeness, that merely existing in a society that is imperfect is a damnable offense, even if it is, on balance, one of the least imperfect societies around. This is how Jews like me know that Wokeness is not just a new religion, it’s an offshoot of Christianity, where just being born damns you to a state of perpetual sin.

This authenticity-of-the-extremists mindset blinds them to the fact that while the fringes are the birthplace of some excellent critiques and paradigm-changing ideas that have been of great benefit, those benefits most often only come when those ideas are tempered by counter-critiques and more pragmatic people who can tolerate the loss of ideological purity required to make them work in practice. Also invisible to the liberal mind are those historical moments when progressives have backed ideas that were...well, the term “clusterfucks” springs to mind.

 Progressives less than a century ago were enamoured with ideas ranging from Eugenics to Italian Fascism (less so with Naziism, but even that had its adherents until the war and the atrocities of the camps coming home to roost). They backed Communism to such a degree that it took Kronstadt to shake most of them loose, and they still idolize Che Guevara, the gay-hating, probably racist, illiberal who put people to death without trial and “really liked killing” (his words) and can’t hear a word against Communist China (”That’s racist to the Chinese!”) or Islamic extremists (”That’s Islamophobic!), despite the fact that Communist China is “re-indoctrinating” the Muslim Uighers and using them as slave labour (in part for the profits and in part because keeping the men and women separated prevents them breeding more Muslim Uighers), and despite the fact that the Islamists throw gay men off roofs in public executions. When you do get a left-liberal to admit something on the Left has gone wrong at all, they immediately shift to rationalizing it as somehow really being the fault of conservatives all along...even in a case like Eugenics where religious and other conservatives were fighting it tooth and nail.

(NB: This is not an endorsement of conservatives, who have their own sets of problems but who, when they finally do change their mind on an issue, don’t try to rationalize their former wrongheadedness by claiming it was really the fault of left-liberals that they ever believed such things in the first place)

And that brings us back to Zionism and the Woke. The Woke cannot for the life of them admit that it was secular, and often quite far left, Jews that birthed Zionism directly out of the leftist “liberation” traditions of the day (albeit with a healthy side of pro-Western colonialism-admiring fervour for being “an outpost of the West” shining the light of rationality on the barbaric, backward, religiosity of the Middle East). They don’t want to see it. It disturbs their comfortably simple narrative, which prefers to maintain that it was the “whiteness” of the original Zionist Jews and their early followers that was the problem, not their politics.

But Zionism is merely the predictable result of what happens when you take an oppressed people and tell them that their oppression entitles them to do whatever they need to in order to end their oppression and that violence is not violence when perpetrated by the oppressed. That the world owes them, and their descendants, something in perpetuity for having oppressed them, some sort of special treatment, and that it must never withdraw that special dispensation because that itself would be oppressing them again. The fact that what the Jews would feel like they needed to do was ethnically-cleanse their former homeland of people who had once shared it with them (both Jews and Palestinians can be traced to a shared ancestry in the region going back about 50,000 years) and necessitating a whole new liberation movement to free them was an unintended consequence of th\e liberation movement, but a consequence nonetheless.

The Woke cannot admit that Zionism is, in large part, a direct consequence of the leftist liberation project, and Woke Jews (who are almost invariably “white”) can’t admit that the rest of the Woke movement hates them. They truly deserve each other.

Ah, well, at least this “woke” rabbi isn’t trying to qualify for the cognitive dissonance finals by being Woke and a Zionist at the same time like the current rabbi of my (rapidly sinking) former synagogue. We’ve had rabbis that horrified the congregation by being too right-wing (mostly on halakhic issues rather than politics), and we’ve had rabbis that horrified (the older portion of) the congregation by being too left-wing and running off to march in Selma. Thanks to this rabbi haranguing the congregation daily about LGBTQ issues to the point that even the LGBTQ Jews got tired of hearing him (our sexuality is NOT our whole fucking existence...no pun intended) and marching around the Sanctuary with the Israeli flag on Shabbat (an honour reserved for the Torah even by the most fervently Zionist among us, none of whom are yours truly) we now have the dubious distinction of being a congregation horrified by a rabbi being both too left-wing and too right-wing simultaneously. 

Apropos of nothing, there is now a “For Sale” sign on the front lawn of my former synagogue and the membership at the Orthodox synagogue has grown with astonishing rapidity. We can extrapolate from this that in 4 years time, should the U.S. Republicans run any candidate remotely sane, they will sweep the election.

[ts1989fanatic]

TS7 is finally here!

If you’re like me or any of the millions of Swifties out there, the arrival of this next era is just as exciting as a brand-new bookshelf full of reads you get to experience for the first time.

After listening to the album on repeat all weekend, I decided to celebrate Lover with a book roundup inspired by each of the songs (since it’s the only thing I’ll be listening to for the foreseeable future, don’t @ me.).

ts1989fanatic an interesting perspective well written obviously a swiftie.

1. “I Forgot That You Existed” (Best Friends Forever, by Jennifer Weiner)

You heard it from Taylor first: indifference is the new vengeance. This solid album-opener is upbeat and poppy, a nice contrast with the lyrics about the (final?) end of a broken relationship, friendship (or feud), when you actually forget that the person you once had so much ire for still lives. She transitions from “Your name on my lips, tongue-tied/Free rent, living in my mind” to “forgot that you existed/and I thought that it would kill me, but it didn’t” with ease. But of course, insisting that you forget someone existed while singing about them would introduce interesting tension into any relationship. It reminded me of Jennifer Weiner’s Best Friends Forever, about what happens when a former friend shows up on your doorstep in a crisis, insisting you’re the only one who can help them out of a tight spot (when you’d rather do anything but).

2. “Cruel Summer” (Do You Want to Start a Scandal, by Tessa Dare)

Lyrically and sonically, this is one of my favorites on the entire album (it’s so good it should have been a single!) It’s got an Out of the Woods meets Getaway Car vibe in terms of the melody. Wistful, a bit haunting, but also a total bop. “So cut the headlights, summer’s a knife/I’m always waiting for you just to cut to the bone” describes a low point in Swift’s life (Summer 2016, ugh), juxtaposed with the high of discovering new love. There are so many books I could have picked for this, but “I don’t want to keep secrets just to keep you” reminded me of the Regency romance trope where the heroine has a secret, or finds herself in a situation where her reputation is at stake, but is still tempted by a handsome rogue who might lead her into temptation and true love. (Sound a bit familiar?) Do You Want to Start a Scandal by Tessa Dare feels like the perfect accompaniment to this song about a woman who must prove her innocence in the face of a sullied reputation or be forced to marry a man she doesn’t think she could ever love.

3. “Lover” (Roomies, by Christina Lauren)

The title track (and the one I’ve been singing in the shower for days) is a swoony daydream of a couple in complete harmony, as Swift spins wedding vow-like lyrics such as “With every guitar string scar on my hand/I take this magnetic force of a man to be my…lover/My heart’s been borrowed and yours has been blue/all’s well that end’s well to end up with you/swear to be overdramatic and true/to my…lover.” But Swift is all about balance in her songs, so imagery of keeping up the Christmas lights in “our place” is juxtaposed with suspicion that “everyone who sees you wants you.” This track reminded me of Roomies by Christina Lauren, with its musician main character and the trope of having to share a space while inevitably falling in love.

4. “The Man” (The Whisper Network, by Chandler Baker)

The double-standards between men and women have been explored in songs and novels since both art forms existed. Swift has already confronted the media’s perception of her as a victim, as a girl who goes on too many dates but can’t make them stay, etc. But in “The Man”, she more directly confronts how different she’d be treated if she were the opposite gender. How could I not think of the new thriller The Whisper Network, about a group of women who come forward about their male boss’ behavior of harassment in the workplace. Instead of continuing to suffer in silence, they tell the truth, resulting in an explosive conflict. I sort of saw the ending coming, but was very glad I was right.

5. “The Archer” (Pride and Prejudice, by Jane Austen)

Another slower, lyric-driven track on the album with gut-punching truths about love, friendship, and holding on to the one who has your heart. “The Archer” is associated with being a Sagittarius (which Swift is), but also her dynamic with the world. “Who could ever leave me, darling?/But who could stay?” is self-aware in a new way for Swift, as is “I never grew up, it’s getting so old” or “I see right through me.” This is one of my favorite tracks on the album, as Swift confronts her cultivated image as both archer and prey of fame and of love. Listening to the rising energy of the track as it builds to a anti-fairy-tale crescendo plus Swift’s lyrics made me think of Pride and Prejudice: Elizabeth Bennet is forced to acknowledge how her own prejudices have made it difficult for others to love her, but that she is deserving of an imperfect love. (And how could “All of my enemies started out friends” not remind you of awful Mr. Wickham?)

6. “I Think He Knows” (The Duke and I, by Julia Quinn)

After a slower song, this heats things up a bit, describing the early sizzle of a relationship before it even starts. For an entire album that sings the praises of a man, I liked the moment in the pre-chorus where she says “He’s so obsessed with me, and boy, I understand.” Own your worth, girl! The bridge was my favorite part of this song (as it often is with Swift; girl knows how to bridge) as it played with tempo and rhyme. “Lyrical smile, indigo eyes, hand on my thigh/We can follow the sparks, I’ll drive.” Swift explores the tension of the moment between seeing someone and initiating contact—songs like these always sting with a bit of danger, too, because the man knows she wants him but neither of them say anything in public about it. She’s whispering in the dark, which gives me serious secret romance vibes. The Duke and I by Julia Quinn is about Simon, who is planning to propose to his BFF’s sister even though he doesn’t actually love her. It’s an arrangement that suits them both, but before they both know it, Daphne is giving Simon serious “I Think he Knows” vibes.

7. “Miss Americana & the Heartbreak Prince” (The Cheerleaders, by Kara Thomas)

If you don’t get the oft-spoken adage that “politics is like high-school,” this song takes the metaphor to the next level. Subtly political but 100% heartbreaking, Swift reimagines the political sphere (and her role in it) as a high school romance, moving from “American glory, faded before me,” painting the democratic 2016 election loss as a ripped-up prom dress (from Miss Americana, who assumed she would win.) Oozing drama and storytelling the way only Swift can, I love the moody elements of the brokenhearted girl contrasted with the new riff on a cheerleading chant (Go Fight Win!). This song is about mourning loss and then finding the strength to say “I know we’re going to win,” but it’s haunting melody and lyrics led me to pick a Cheerleader-inspired thriller. The Cheerleaders is about a string of cheerleaders murdered in a small town five years ago… and just when everyone thinks it’s time to move on, one girl becomes the center of a mystery that never truly died.

8. “Paper Rings” (The Royal We, by Heather Cocks and Jessica Morgan)

I’m on my fourth listen of the album and this might be my favorite track on it (though that changes minute by minute, with an album as dynamic as this—just to further accentuate the point, by the time of posting this piece, my new favorite might be I Think He Knows?). It’s a totally retro, ’60s style song—a totally fresh sound for Swift, and one that fits perfectly with her new aesthetic. (Makes me wonder why this wasn’t one of the singles released before the record.) It is a gold-mine for Swiftian lyricism, with so many gems I can’t possibly call them all out, and it moves so fast (like a good read) that you both want to cascade over them and pause to hear each line at least 5x before it passes you by. It’s an unabashed love song, relishing in the joy of knowing you’re with the one you love so much that “I like shiny things, but I’d marry you with paper rings”. The line that stuck out the most was “I hate accidents except when we went from friends to this,” which made me think of when Bex Porter goes to Oxford in The Royal We and, completely by accident, falls in love with the heir to the throne.

9. “Cornelia Street” (Passion on Park Avenue, by Lauren Layne)

“Cornelia Street” is sort of the antithesis to I Think He knows. It’s about remembering the early days of a new relationship (“We were a fresh page on the desk/filling in the blanks as we go”) and being more than willing to give up all the good that comes with fresh starts in order to settle into something real. It aches with melancholy, because any time we give something up should be a little sad—but it brims with hope and Swift’s trademarked optimism about love. “I hope I never lose you, hope it never ends/I’d never walk Cornelia Street again/ That’s the kinda heartbreak time could never mend.” I had to pick an NYC-set story for this, like Lauren Layne’s Passion on Park Avenue. The city is another character in the romance between a successful jewelry-business owner and the son of the woman her mother used to work for.

10. “Death By a Thousand Cuts” (Please Don’t Go Before I Get Better, by Madisen Kuhn)

Inspired by the Netflix movie Something Great, this is one of the few sad songs on the record, about a girl going through a breakup who can’t help but linger in happier memories. (For the record: “I dress to kill my time” is genius, as are so many of these lyrics.) Only Swift is so good at pairing such devastating messaging with a pop beat you can’t help but want to sing. This song was the hardest one to pick a book for (especially because it’s already inspired by a movie) so I decided to go with a poetry collection! Please Don’t Go Before I Get Better is all about the aches and sun rays of growing up, told in a staggeringly relatable voice that will make you want to curl up on the couch and cry your eyes out.

11. “London Boy” (Red, White and Royal Blue, by Casey McQuiston)

This is 100% about Joe Alwyn, but also… Taylor dated at least two Brits that we know of before him, so this song is also about what we already knew (“the rumors are true”): she has a penchant for London Boys. Essentially a road map of her favorite places in the city, this indulgent ditty trades “Tennessee Whiskey” for “A gray sky, a rainy cab ride” and of course, her man by her side. Red, White, and Royal Blue is the perfect pick for this song, about two boys who fall in love (after a rough start where they were almost enemies) amidst those gray, rainy skies… but one of them happens to be the son of an American President, and the other, the current Prince of England.

12. “Soon You’ll Get Better (feat. Dixie Chicks)” (Swamplandia! by Karen Russell)

Of all the songs on the album, this one gave me the most vintage Swift vibes. There’s no denying that she is an astonishingly talented songwriter, especially when you listen to what is essentially her greatest fear laid bare on this track with just a bit of guitar and the Dixie Chicks harmonizing in the background. Here, the story shines: Swift’s mother has been sick for a number of years, and while they’ve mostly kept the details of that battle private, this is the most vulnerable moment of love for her mother on an album mostly about finding true love. “Holy orange bottles, each night I pray to you/Desperate people find faith, so now I pray to Jesus, too.” A friend of mine recently lost their mother just after getting married, and it made me marvel at how life often delivers us highs and lows to grapple with simultaneously. While all of this was going on—Kanye and Kim, Joe and London, another world tour, another album—in the background, Swift has been terrified of losing her mother. This song made me think of Swamplandia!, a novel about a young girl living in a gator-wrestling theme park where her mother used to be the main event, until she passed away. Now, in the wake of her death, the girl and her siblings must grapple with their mother’s legacy as a competing business rises up to swallow the success she built on the swamp.

13. “False God” (City of Girls, by Elizabeth Gilbert)

Is that a saxophone in the background of a Taylor Swift song? This slow, jazzy number is all about love and desire—and how we come back to it even when the world around us (and sometimes we, ourselves) put it in jeopardy. “And I can’t talk to you when you’re like this/Staring out the window like I’m not your favorite town/I’m New York City” and other lyrics referencing New York seem to be the grounding force in an otherwise tumultuous relationship. Multiple times on this record Swift has alluded to rough patches in her current happiness, but connection is always the solution to fixing it. She seems to say that if you treat your relationship like it’s your religion, you can get through anything. This is one of the sexier songs on the album, but it’s also got serious NYC vibes, so I’m picking City of Girls by Elizabeth Gilbert: a novel all about relishing romance in the glitzy 1940’s New York Theater scene, but also how desire can either set us on the road to ruin, or redemption.

14. “You Need to Calm Down” (The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo, by Taylor Jenkins Reid)

This song has done what Swift does best: inspire conversation and a bit of controversy. Acknowledging that it was past time for her to be an outspoken ally for the LGBTQIAP+ community, YNTCD tackles the various ways communities are pitted against one another (especially on the internet.) The first verse examines her personal haters (“Say it in the street, that’s a knock-out/But you say it in a Tweet, that’s a cop-out), the second calls out homophobes (“Shade never made anybody less gay”), and the third examines how her relationships with her female contemporaries have often been antagonistic, something she herself has been responsible perpetuating in the past with songs like “Bad Blood” and “Better Than Revenge” (“We all know now, we all got crowns/you need to calm down.”) The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo is about a famous actress who hid the great female love of her life behind multiple male partners and uses her platform to tell the truth (all while hiding one last devastating secret). While Taylor herself has not come out as part of the LGBTQ community, she has come out as an ally, and this book made me think about the issues of privacy, platform, allyship, and identity that the song also confronts. If there’s more to the story of Swift’s relationship to the LGBTQIAP+ community, she’s going to share it on her own terms.

15.“Afterglow” (Queenie, by Candice Carty-Williams)

This song ranks high on my favorites from the album, and it’s a rare genre from Swift: the apology song. (The other famous one is Speak Now’s “Back to December.”) In this mid-tempo song with slamming drums and a breathy falsetto, Swift yearns for the partner she pushed away to meet her in the moments after the fight ends. “It’s all me, in my head/I’m the one who burned us down/ but it’s not what I meant,” she insists. There’s still hope here though, as opposed to earlier songs on the record that signal the doom of a friendship or a breakup after-the-fact. Queenie, by Candice Carty-Williams, is a novel about a girl coming to terms with her role in a failed relationship, a career she can’t seem to succeed in, and friends she unknowingly betrays. “Why’d I have to break what I love so much?” is a question asked in this song’s chorus, and one Queenie must answer in order to find real, lasting happiness.

16. “ME! (feat. Brendon Urie)” (Crazy Rich Asians, by Kevin Kwan)

This self-love anthem is bubblegum sweet and full of earworms: the “Shake it Off“ of the TS7 Era. It makes me think of lightning-fast beach reads that you can’t put down and that feel so good to read but also have a deeper meaning to them. Just because it’s not the most lyrically advanced of her songs doesn’t mean this bop doesn’t deserve to be celebrated— it reminded me of how romances constantly get a bad rep (lol, see what I did there?) as somehow lesser than other genres. I love that Taylor doesn’t care about what other people think and is 100% focused on being her authentic self— just like the heroine of Crazy Rich Asians, Rachel Chu. When confronted with the wealth and expectations of her boyfriend Nick’s family (who don’t think she’s good enough for him), she insists it’s her individuality that makes her the perfect partner for him.

17. “It’s Nice to Have a Friend” (This Love Story Will Self-Destruct, by Leslie Cohen)

This track might be my second favorite? It’s so different (Ukulele? Trombone? Is that what I’m hearing?) and such a contrast to the beginning of the album, the opener closes the door on a once meaningful friendship. It’s also a deceiving song, in that I’m still not 100% sure what it’s about. I think Swift is exploring the importance of friendship in all its forms: in childhood (“School bell rings, walk me home”) to adolescence “Something gave you the nerve/to touch my hand”) to romantic love (“Church bells ring, carry me home/rice on the ground looks like snow”). Ultimately, she may be saying that the most important thing about a romantic partner is that they make you feel like you have a friend—when you’re young, the thing that matters most is feeling seen by other people. If your lover is also your best friend, then you know they always have your back. A love story that takes place over two characters’ twenties, This Love Story Will Self-Destruct is about the missteps, betrayals, beautiful moments and connection that forms between two people over a decade.

18. “Daylight” (Evvie Drake Starts Over, by Linda Holmes)

“My love was as cruel as the cities I lived in.” What a way to begin this album closer. Swift’s last tracks have a tradition of being the ones that are most emblematic of her current state of mind, but they also have developed certain themes over time. Renewal, starting over, self-reflection, and hope are all subjects “Daylight” sheds a little light on. She acknowledges past failings (“I wounded the good and trusted the wicked”) and what she wants for the future (“I once believed love would be [burning red]/but it’s golden”). A book that feels like daylight on your skin is what’s needed for this song, and I think Evvie Drake Starts Over is the perfect pick: a story about a woman still grieving the loss of her husband but who finds herself moving on with a former major league baseball player. Both of them have pasts they are healing from, but together, they find hope for the future. “I’ve been sleeping so long in a twenty-year dark night/and now I see daylight.” And, unlike (I think?) any other song in her catalogue, she speaks in the end, not sings, in a direct appeal to her audience. Her very last words are “You are what you love.” Well, I love Taylor Swift. I love a good song lyric to sink my teeth into, or to sing. I love love. And I love a good story, whether it comes from a song or a book, and when you’re done with the album, I hope you find some here.

[mugen-monogatari]

Personas - Tsubasa Hanekawa; The Stray Cat

So me and my Girlfriend have been watching Monogatari recently, and we just finished Nekomonogatari White. After, I decided to write some thoughts on Hanekawa Tsubasa, arguably one of the main characters of the series.

This is all my interpretation and not fact, you can argue with me if you disagree, this is just how I see it. Note, since we haven’t finished the series, but her character arc is in a nice place, I may revisit this if things change down the line.

Caution when reading ahead, there are spoilers up to Nekomonogatari White, or the first 5/6 episodes of Bakemonogatari season 2 and anything before that.

Let’s begin by saying; Hanekawa is anything but innocent. That’s just how she outwardly appears, from the things she says, to the way she acts, it’s even reflected in her modest clothes and hairstyle. That’s because that Hanekawa- Lets call her ‘Normal Hanekawa‘- Is a fake.

We’re constantly reminded through not just this arc, but the other seasons too, that your persona, no matter how hard you try, will never be you. From Araragi’s sisters, to even how Araragi tricked himself into believing he was in love with Hanekawa. ‘Normal Hanekawa’ is fake, it’s a persona she has created. She does everything perfectly, she says all the right things, always calm and composed. She feels plastic and fake. She’s unrealistic and unlikable, and we’re shown that throughout the series.

Think back to the scene where her father hit her, But Oshino goes out of his way to explain; sure he seems like the bad guy, but someone like her is so unbearable to be around, he was surprised it took so long. Even Araragi, after realizing that the perfect persona of Hanekawa was nothing more than a persona, falls out of love with her and realizes he was in love with an idea and not the person them-self. Hence why he says he only felt Lust, her body being the only genuine thing about her.

Hanekawa acknowledges this, she knows she’s fake. She reminds people that she’s not perfect, she just knows what she knows. She tell Koyomi and ‘Black Hanekawa‘ that she’s selfish and egotistical. She may seem like she’s too good to be true, and she is. In fact, I think it’s more apt to say ‘Black Hanekawa’, the cat is more likely to be the “real” Hanekawa. This is the imperfect side of her, the ironically human side. Sure it’s exaggerated, with the cat attacking indiscriminately, but this is just a potential metaphor for real life. The cat is just a more exaggerated form of what a normal person is; she lashes out at the people who hurt her, her family, she attacks anything and anyone physically, draining them of their energy. This is similar to real life. When you’re stressed, you lash out physically at anything that hurts you (or verbally in most cases), or at the people around you, which in turn brings their mood down (I guess you could say Drains their energy???), or passes your stress onto them. In a way it’s a self fulfilling prophecy. The cat does things against ‘Normal Hanekawa’s’. So in a way it’s a big metaphor for how unreasonable people act.

But later on, you find out the Cat has its own sense of morals. It has its own desires and ideals, alongside it’s own cares. This is something ‘Normal Hanekawa’ didn’t have. She was fake, never being what she wanted to be, only following what society saw as “righteous” and “perfect”. ‘Black Hanekawa’ is the opposite of this, the side of her with its own ideas of right or wrong. It sticks to it’s own fundamental principles, while still acknowledging what is right and wrong, while still being driven by her own emotion.

The tiger is the opposite of this. The History Tiger is the selfish desire and self-satisfaction that Hanekawa seeks. It attacks indiscriminately, and has no concept of morals, no idea of what is right and wrong, acting purely on emotion.

I think it comes down to none of them are individually her, and yet they all are. ‘Hanekawa Normal’ just does what is right. She never does wrong, and pretends, just to ensure the world around her deems her acceptable. This is the fake persona we all have. The person we act like and aspire to be, even if it’s unrealistic. Someone we pretend to be, so that those around us accept us or look at us in the desirable way.

The Tiger is the polar opposite to this. ‘History Tiger’ represent our innate monster and selfishness. It represents all our negative thoughts, as well as anything we desire or wish for. It doesn’t care for right and wrong, only acting on the emotion of ‘Hanekawa Whole’ (That’s how I’ll refer to all of them). If it’s jealous, it’ll act upon it. If it’s angry it’ll hurt people. If it’s envious, it’ll take what it wants or drag people down to their level. The tiger is symbolic of all the messed up thoughts and all those negative things we think about ourselves and others. “Why me? Why no one else? What did they do that I didn’t?” Except a normal person has moral limits on those thoughts. Even if we want to hurt someone out of jealousy, we don’t because we know we’re morally wrong. But the tiger is this idea with the moral limits removed. Just the raw and unrefined emotion.

Then the middle ground is ‘Black Hanekawa’. It acts on emotion, attacking people to relieve stress, doing whatever it wants, and yet, it still has some moral limiters. It doesn’t kill, just injure, it acts on it’s own desires but listens to ‘Normal Hanekawa’. It doesn’t act entirely on Emotion, but factors in Logic too, knowing that for example, attacking Koyomi would be bad, because even though he stresses her out, she still loves him. The same with Hitagi. The tiger chases after Hitagi’s home, since Hanekawa is jealous of her. Not just because of the family, but because of Koyomi too and how he loves her. And yet, ‘Black Hanekawa’ never even once sought to attack Hitagi, since it still knew that it would accomplish nothing and just hurt both her master and someone else, which is wrong. This is also really shown well when she later confirms she has an understanding of family and the emotions that come with it. She tells the tiger, she doesn’t think anything of the tiger burning down stuff, despite it hurting Hanekawa, but that she’ll stop him because she considers Hanekawa family, and there’s the fundamental Idea that you should love and help family. The opposite is true for the tiger, which constantly claims it cares not for the girl, ‘their sister’, as it has no concept of what is right and wrong or family.

Ultimately, ‘Normal Hanekawa’ isn’t representative of innocence and good, it’s logic. The cold harsh truth of humanity. Only following rules, following the fundamental rules of life, but never truly living your own, out of the fear of being seen in a negative way by the world. It’s a fake she creates. A persona.

‘History Tiger’ is the opposite. It’s the part of her that is selfish and full of desires, wanting only to take care of herself. It hurts people indiscriminately, and cares for nothing but it’s own satisfaction.

While ‘Black Hanekawa’ is the middle ground. The most human of the two and the binding link. It acts on it’s own emotions, but only to an extent, still factoring in good and bad. It has morals and doesn’t stray too far, only doing so when emotions take hold, i.e. the stress that causes her to attack.

And all together, neither one is ‘Hanekawa Whole’, but rather all three make Hanekawa literally whole. That’s why at the end she has to combine them. But she cries because she doesn’t want to change. She comes to terms with the fact that there is nothing wrong with a persona, but it isn’t who you are. You will never be perfect, you will never be the objective idea of righteous. But you can still try and strive for that, to come as close as possible. But you must understand that you also have to be human. You need human emotions too, you must realize your own desires and acknowledge your own selfishness in order to grow. You can’t live life based purely on what people tell you is right, but you can’t decide entirely for yourself. You need to find the balance between the two (’Black Hanekawa’) and factor both in. Then and only then can you be genuinely human, when you accept that you can be driven by both emotion and reason, something Hanekawa could not do before, rejecting all personal goals and emotion, while not ever truly wanting to be driven by reason. Which is why the rebellion (’Black Hanekawa’) was born, to be the intermediary between the two.

And that’s why the final scene was so touching. She realizes she won’t ever be this perfect persona, and she also acknowledges she has her own messed up desires and greedy thoughts. That’s why she begs Araragi to still support her despite changing. She knows she’ll make mistakes, whether it be by neglecting reason, or following emotion, and yet, that’s what it means to be human. And that’s why she finally confesses to him. She knows it’s selfish and she won’t get what she wants, but it’s her finally admitting to having desires of her own.

And I think the final scene where her hair is the multi colors, shows the unification of this. But she also mentions that they’re like a “tiger’s stripes.” So just like a tiger, she’s finally proud of who she is.

Hanekawa’s story is an interesting one so far. A girl who discarded the parts of humanity she feared, and in turn became something that wasn’t quite human- A monster of her own making. Ironic.

But that’s just my interpretation, what does everyone else think?

[goodvibesatpeace]

Spiritual Advice To Help You Get Through Hard Times

Pain is part of life and love, and it helps you grow.

So many of us are afraid of ourselves, of our own truth, and our feelings most of all. We talk about how great the concepts of life and love are, but then we hide from both every day. We hide from our truest feelings. Because the truth is life and love hurt sometimes, and the feelings this brings disturbs us.

We are taught at an early age that all pain is evil and harmful. Yet, how can weever deal with real life and true love if we’re afraid to feel what we really feel? We need to feel pain, just as we need to feel alive and loved. Pain is meant to wake us up. Yet we try to hide our pain. Realize this. Pain is something to carry willingly, just like good sense. Because you can only learn how strong you are when being strong is the only choice you have.

It’s all in how you carry the things that don’t go your way. That’s what matters in the end. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you – your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you’re letting the lies of insecurity destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel pain – to endure it – to own your scars – to deal with the realities of life and love, as you grow into the strongest, wisest, truest version of yourself.

Mindset is half the battle.

It’s okay to have down days and tough times. Expecting life to be wonderful all the time is wanting to swim in an ocean in which waves only rise up and never come crashing down. However, when you recognize that the rising and crashing waves are part of the exact same ocean, you are able to let go and be at peace with the reality of these ups and downs. It becomes clear that life’s ups require life’s downs.

In other words, life isn’t perfect, but it sure is good. Our goal shouldn’t be to create a perfect life, but to live an imperfect life in radical amazement. To get up every morning and take a good look around in a way that takes nothing for granted. Everything is extraordinary. Every day is a gift. Never treat life casually. To be spiritual in any way is to be amazed in every way.

Do not let the pain of a situation make you hopeless. Do not let negativity wear off on you. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Even though others may disagree with you, take pride in the fact that you still know the world to be a beautiful place. Change your thoughts and you change your reality.

And mindset is especially powerful when it comes to accepting that…

Your biggest fears don’t really exist.

When times are hard it can be difficult to follow your heart and take another step, but it’s a tragedy to let the lies of fear stop you. Although fear can feel overwhelming, and defeats more people than any other force in the world, it’s not as powerful as it seems. Fear is only as deep as your mind allows. You are still in control. So take control!

The key is to acknowledge your fear and directly address it. Fight hard to shine the light of your words upon it. Because if you don’t, if your fear becomes a wordless, obscure darkness that you avoid, and perhaps even manage to briefly forget, you open yourself to future attacks from fear when you least expect it. Because you never truly faced the opponent who defeated you.

You CAN beat fear if you face it. Be courageous! And remember that courage doesn’t mean you don’t get afraid; courage means you don’t let fear stop you from moving forward with your life. 

You are growing through experience.

Over time you will find that life isn’t necessarily any easier or harder than you thought it was going to be; it’s just that the easy and the hard aren’t exactly the way you had anticipated, and don’t always occur when you expect them to. This isn’t a bad thing; it makes life interesting. With a positive attitude you will always be pleasantly surprised.

When you stop expecting things to be a certain way, you can appreciate them for what they are. Ultimately you will realize that life’s greatest gifts are rarely wrapped the way you expected.

Experience is what you get when your plans don’t go as planned, and experience is the most valuable commodity you own – it builds your strength.

You have the power to turn your wounds and worries into wisdom; you just have to do something about them. You have to accept what has happened and use what you’ve learned to step forward. Everything you’ve experienced has given you the upper hand for dealing with everything you have yet to experience. Realize this and set yourself free.

You can’t change situations you don’t take responsibility for.

Most people do not really want freedom, because freedom involves responsibility, and most people are frightened of responsibility.” Don’t let this be you. When you blame others for what you’re going through, you deny responsibility – you surrender power over that part of your life.

Make no mistake, in the end, the price of happiness IS responsibility. As soon as you stop making everyone and everything else responsible for your happiness, the happier you’ll be. If you’re unhappy now, it’s not someone else’s fault.

Ultimately, your happiness depends on your self-reliance – your unshakable willingness to take responsibility for your life from this moment forward, regardless of who had a hand in making it the way it is now. It’s about taking control of your present circumstances, thinking for yourself, and making a firm choice to choose differently. It’s about being the hero of your life, not the victim.

The present is all you really have to deal with.

Life is not lived in some distant, imagined land of someday where everything is perfect. It is lived here and now, with the reality of the way things are. Yes, by all means you can work toward an idealized tomorrow. Yet to do so, you must successfully deal with the world as it is today.

Sometimes we avoid experiencing exactly where we are because we have developed a belief, based on past experiences, that it is not where we should be or want to be. But the truth is, where you are now is exactly where you need to be to get to where you want to go tomorrow. So appreciate where you are.

Your friends and family are too beautiful to ignore. Take a moment to remember how fortunate you are to be breathing. Take a look around, with your eyes earnestly open to the possibilities before you. Much of what you fear does not exist. Much of what you love is closer than you realize. You are just one brief thought away from understanding the blessing that is your life.

Happiness is a mindset that can only be designed into the present. It’s not a point in the future or a moment from the past; yet sadly, this misconception hurts the masses. So many young people seem to think all their happiness awaits them in the years ahead, while so many older people believe their best moments are behind them. Don’t be either of them. Don’t let the past and the future steal your present.

There is always, always, always something to be thankful for.

Life is better when you’re smiling. Being positive in a negative situation is not naive; it’s a sign of leadership and strength. You’re doing it right when you have so much to cry and complain about, but you prefer to smile and appreciate your life instead.

What if you woke up tomorrow with only the things you were thankful for today?

Think of all the beauty that remains around you, see it and smile. Be thankful for all the small things in your life, because when you put them all together you will see just how significant they are. At the end of the day, it’s not happiness that makes us thankful, but thankfulness that makes us happy.

Great things take time.

Instant results are rarely the best results. With patience, you can greatly expand your potential. If your desires were always fulfilled immediately, you would have nothing to look forward to. You would miss out on the joys of anticipation and progress.

Remember, patience is not about waiting; it’s the ability to keep a good attitude while working hard for what you believe in. It’s the willingness to stay focused, confidently staking one small step at a time, knowing that the way you move a mountain is by moving one stone at a time. Every stone you move, no matter how small, is progress.

Bottom line: You deserve more than mere instant gratification. Value that arrives in an instant is often gone in an instant. Value that takes time and commitment to create often outlives its creator – YOU.

Other people cannot validate you

When we’re struggling to achieve something important, sometimes we look to others to validate our progress. But the truth is, they can’t…

You are not in this world to live up to the expectations of others, nor should you feel that others are here to live up to yours. Pave your own unique path. What success means to each of us is totally different. Success is ultimately about spending your life happily in your own way.

You don’t have to be flashy to be impressive. You don’t have to be famous to be significant. You don’t have to be a celebrity to be successful. You don’t need to be validated by anyone else. You are already valuable. You just need to believe in yourself and what you wish to achieve.

You can be quietly humble and still be amazingly effective. Just because people don’t fall at your feet and worship you, doesn’t mean you are a failure. Quiet success is just as sweet as loud, flamboyant success, and usually far more real. Success is how you define it, not what everyone else says it must be for you.

You are not alone.

In the midst of hard times, it’s easy to look around and see a bunch of people who seem to be doing just fine. But they’re not. We’re all struggling in our own way. And if we could just be brave enough to open up about it, and talk to each other, we’d realize that we are not alone in feeling lost and alone.

So many of us are fighting the same exact battle alongside you. We are all in this together. So no matter how embarrassed or pathetic you feel about your own situation, know that there are others out there experiencing the same emotions. When you hear yourself say, “I am all alone,” it’s just your worried mind trying to sell you a lie. There’s always someone who can relate to you. Perhaps you can’t immediately talk to them, but they are out there.

If you’re feeling desperate right now, hear me: I often feel and think and struggle much like you do. I care about many of the things you care about, just in my own way. And although some people do not understand us, we understand each other. YOU are not alone!

Afterthoughts

One of life’s greatest gifts is the fact that life is difficult.  Because in dealing with life’s difficulties, we build invaluable strength.  This strength enables us to successfully fulfill our deepest, most meaningful purposes.  It is precisely because life is difficult that we are able to make it great.  It is because life is difficult that we are able to rise above the difficulties.  We are able to make a difference and we are able to truly matter.

So remember this…

When times are tough, you must be tougher.  Don’t pray for an easy life; pray for the strength to endure a tough one that leads to greatness.

Much Love To All... Go In Peace My Beautiful Friends ❤❤❤

[phylophe]

R U OK?

Today is R U OK? Day here in Australia, and two days ago was World Suicide Prevention Day. To all my loved ones, and to those who have loved ones, I want to ask: “R U OK?”

My life has been the most stable it’s been for a while: I have jobs that, although short-term, pay pretty well. I have connections with future opportunities. I have supportive parents, close friends, and have recently began to rekindle some friendships that have gotten distant through my own absence over time. I also have a long-distance fiance, with whom plans are slowly but surely coming together. 

All things considered, while things are far from settled, I’m not in a bad place right now. 

With my physical health and mental condition significantly restored from the experiences of the past few years, I can afford the energy to examine my psychological health in a more thorough manner, to depths that I would not have had the courage to plunge only a year ago. 

I started seeing a psychologist and receiving Cognitive Behavioural Therapy again - I say again, because I tried to “get better” from my illness by the same means several years ago, and I simply could not do it. It took too much out of me, and I had very little left to give. Now, though, I go not because I am unwell, but because I want to be healthier - be mentally fitter, more resilient, and better equipped for when challenges arise in the future. 

It’s difficult to put into words what it’s achieved, but I think I can list a few things I’ve learned from re-examining my psyche, learning about how it is and why it is: 

Sometimes it feels like I’m finding problems where there weren’t problems before; in reality, I’m finding problems where I haven’t looked before. 

It’s important to make peace with the past. For me, this means not only forgiving others, but also to admit the hurt they have caused me. Sounds paradoxical, but until a wrong is acknowledged, it cannot truly be pardoned.  

I am just like anybody else - just another human being. This means I deserve the same love, respect, and decency that I rightfully afford others. 

I am not perfect; I am good at some things, and bad at others - and that’s fine. It does not mean I’m stupid, or worthless. Perfection is an unattainable goal, and while it is an honourable thing to strive for, chasing after it singlemindedly and relentlessly will only lead to dissatisfaction. 

Similarly, success is only what I make it, and if I keep trying to reach far for it, rather than embracing what I have in front of me, I will never achieve it. 

My parents are humanly imperfect; while they tried their best at raising me, what damage they have done is done. Now that I’m an adult, however, I can provide for and parent the damaged child that still exists inside me. 

I make mistakes because I can’t know everything, or control everything. I don’t need to punish myself, and I don’t deserved to be punished, every time it happens. 

If I must think that I deserve to be punished for my failures, by the same logic, I deserve to be rewarded for my achievements. 

Along the same vein, if I must prepare for the worst, I must also try to hope for the best, or at least acknowledge its possibility.

These are things that I wish I could have known a few years ago, but perhaps it took these few years for them to be learnt. I still have some ways to go (as do any human being, I think): I still deal with imposter syndrome on a regular basis. I still tend to be pessimistic, even fatalistic, about the future. I still don’t hold all parts of myself to be valuable and worthy. 

And truly, deep down, I still don’t believe that I am worthy of love and respect, if I’m not useful to others. 

But my faith tells me: Every human is valuable by its being, not doing. 

My parents and friends tell me: They are there to love me, even when I think I’m unlovable. 

My fiance tells me: It is okay to be objective with myself; it is not okay to objectify myself.

I believe in them, and I want to believe what I, myself, preach. I know what is right and true, and I want to take that truth as my own. 

One day, when and if I get there, maybe I will understand just how valuable life - all life, including mine - really is, how worthy it is of living, and then I will be able to love myself and others better. 

Today, though, while I am on my journey there, I remember those who have lost the strength along the way, those who had nothing left to keep moving, those who were made to believe that their lives were of no worth. 

My heart still aches for the despair and loneliness they must have felt when they took the only action they could perceive, and I grieve with their loved ones, for whom the pain continues. 

My friends: Lizzie, Celine, Michael.

Loved ones of my friends: Ivan, Sunny.

A stranger I remember only by a name: Daniel.

All you faithfully departed, may your souls, through the mercy of God, rest in peace.

[teresagross]

Breathe Into It: Using Mindfulness to Create Change

   As a Counselor Intern, I feel fortunate to have a full-time job and see clients at the Austin Mindfulness Center on weekends. During the week, I counsel young adults with learning exceptionalities – many whom have been diagnosed with Autism, ADHD, or anxiety. Come to find out, my students and clients share some of the same challenges. For example, many struggle with acceptance of self or others; awakening from the trance of unworthiness and the tyranny of not enough-ness; embracing Life on Its terms; fostering healthy relationships; taming distractibility; and discovering promising paths and new possibilities in life.

Not surprisingly then, when our students were surveyed about what group themes they found appealing, they indicated an interest in Mindfulness! When tapped to teach this 15-week Mindfulness Series to a group of 7 students, how could I say no?! While Mindfulness may be trending now, it is also one of the most skillful means to break free of outdated patterns and breakthrough to greater health and well-being.

​

Oftentimes referred to as “inner strength training”, mindfulness is essentially a practice whereby we pay attention to what is, on purpose, in the present, without judgment. Just as an Olympian invests in physical training to achieve excellence in their sport, mindfulness can not only heighten our performance, but also help us relieve stress, achieve emotional balance, improve relationships, and aid in our self-development – all of which can lead us to feeling empowered and able to fully engage with ourselves, others, and life.      In the easy-to-use manual,

Learning to Breathe

, psychologist Patricia Broderick, Ph.D., spells out a mindfulness curriculum for adolescents. Using the acronym BREATHE, her wise guidance offers insights and practices for cultivating mindfulness skills through body awareness, thoughtful reflection, emotional acceptance, focus and attention, self-care, and healthy habits of mind. Below are a few suggestions for how to utilize mindfulness practices to make meaningful, lasting changes whether you’re a teen or adult.

Body

The body is an easily accessible “tool” for cultivating mindfulness. By attending to the breath as well as our physical sensations while engaged in a body scan or movement practices such as yoga, Tai Chi, walking meditation, dance, or martial arts, we are encouraged to focus on the here-and-now, leaving our past and worries about the future behind us. If doing this on your own, notice the color, temperature, texture, intensity, and location of physical sensations while refraining from judging them or getting pulled away by noisy self-talk. Take your time, soften towards uncomfortable sensations, and listen to your body.

Reflections

Reflections are thoughts and, as most of us can attest, our thinking is never-ending. Moreover, much of it is repetitive and unhelpful. At the center of noticing our thoughts is the ability to question the truthfulness and workability of them. One mindfulness skill that helps is “distancing from thoughts”. While most of our thoughts may seem automatic, and we may even think we are one with our thoughts, we nevertheless have the choice to stick with them. Some popular practices for allowing, then defusing, from our thoughts and stories—especially those that trigger unpleasant emotions, drudge up drama, or lead us to hurt ourselves and others—are open inquiry, “The Work” of Byron Katie, and especially meditation. Such efforts guide us to see, identify, and question thoughts that cause our suffering and address it with clarity.

Emotions

You may have heard the adage, "You can’t heal what you can’t feel." It’s true, but embracing our emotions can be scary because doing so compels us to acknowledge our vulnerability. Moreover, while feelings are a natural aspect of our humanity, few of us have been instructed on how to navigate them. Even so, if we can learn how to approach emotions mindfully, we will recognize them as “energy surges” or waves in the ocean. Rather than repress or deny our feelings, we can greet them by paying attention to them, accepting them as they are, and watching them come and go with patience, understanding, and self-compassion.

Here’s a tip. Next time you experience a difficult emotion, PAUSE. Take a moment to recognize and allow what you’re feeling. Ask yourself: “What is happening right now?” and “Can I let this be? Take note of what you're feeling (i.e., sad, angry, scared, etc.). Retreat to a private space, if possible. Resist complaining or blaming others for your discomfort. Do not seek out company right away. Let the feeling come, intensify then pass away. Afterwards, notice: you survived. While feelings are temporary, if some regularly resurface over a long period of time, you may want to reach out to others you trust for on-going support.

Attention

You’re not alone if you are someone who struggles to stay focused on one task at a time. At any time of day or night, we have options for how to direct our attention. While it can be helpful to multi-task and we are often asked to do so, single-tasking is at the core of mindfulness practice. It allows us to dedicate as much of our focus as possible to what we are doing in the moment. Paying attention then, encompasses a combination of conscious intention and discipline effort. Some mindfulness practices that are helpful for improving concentration include: active listening, eliminating distractions, working in a quiet environment, mindful eating, candle-gazing meditation, setting aside blocks of time for tasks, and taking time-outs.

Tenderness

Tenderness means we treat ourselves with kindness, compassion, and self-care. It does not mean letting ourselves off the hook or not expecting very much of ourselves. On the contrary, it’s recognizing we don’t help ourselves when we don’t take care of our insides as much as our outsides. Self-compassion helps us do that as it invites us to not only accept ourselves as we are, but also accept Life as It is here-and-now.

According to Dr. Kristen Neff, author of

Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself

, the three components of self-compassion are: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness. Self-kindness allows us to tenderly care for ourselves the same way we would care for a friend who is struggling instead of harshly criticizing them. Common humanity connects us with our fellow human beings who are also imperfect. Mindfulness entails taking a balanced and accepting approach to our difficult emotions.

While it may seem counter-intuitive, especially to our “Inner Critic”, practicing tenderness with ourselves has multiple benefits. Such rewards may include a more stable sense of self, self-worth even in the context of failure, and self-esteem without the pitfalls of social comparisons, narcissism, or defensiveness that can accompany it. In addition, we are likely to experience less depression, stress, anxiety, and perfectionism along with more harmonious relationships because we are more forgiving and accepting of others too.

Habits of Healthy Mind

Habits of a healthy mind are developed over time through consistent practice. Consider from the multiple options above what mindfulness practices are appealing to you. Ask yourself the following questions: What have I learned about mindfulness? How could I use what I have learned? What can I do to remind myself to be more mindful in my daily life?  Some things that may be helpful: following through on your intention to engage in new practices; scheduling time for practice; taking classes; connecting with others who share an interest in mindful living; and utilizing books, magazines, websites, and more as resources. The Austin Mindfulness Center website, for example, features an extensive collection of

guided meditations

.

Empowerment

Mindfulness empowers us, gives us an inner edge, and help us be our best self! There is no time like the present.  Take a moment now to commit to at least one method for cultivating more mindfulness through embodiment practices, defusing from troubling thoughts, establishing emotional equanimity, mastering attention for optimal performance, or softening into self-compassion for a kinder way of living. With mindfulness skills, you are not only bound to break out of old patterns and breakthrough to greater well-being in time, but also acquire the strength, positivity, and bandwidth to embrace anything life throws your way, transform yourself and situation, and live full-on, full-out the fullest expression of who you are.