#because what if I can’t wake myself up
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Who took all my good dreams away. Is this a punishment? What did I do? I’ve had nothing but half-nightmares for a week. Like it would make a rockin’ survival horror game but that is so not my jam that I’m getting anxiety just thinking about it
#storm rambles#bad dreams#please just let me sleep#I’m scared to take my sleeping pills#because what if I can’t wake myself up
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a … a gift from the talented @kruinka 🥹 thank you so much!! ദ്ദി ༎ຶ‿༎ຶ)
#彡 moevie!#彡 cherishing.#kruin …. !! you sent this a few days ago but i am still . reeling in . /pos because i cannot believe i am seeing moze ( and myself ?! ) in#your !!!! style !!! your !! adorable !!! and beautiful !! style !!! and there is a lot i have to say — i am in the chattiest mood despite my#sleepiness !! FIRST omg ): thank you ?! thank you !! THANK YOU !!! for being so kind to me and drawing out a sketch that i will treasure for#eternity really 😭 !! i will gaze at this whenever i wake up … gaze at it before i sleep …. gaze at it when im sad … when im happy ( to#amplify the happiness of course !! ) OOOOH KRUIN. kruin . words can absolutely NOT describe how much i love your style … i just cannot ?!#figure out how to put it in words ?? i can’t just say ‘i like how you do this’ ‘and this’ because it’s the literal entire thing that i love#aiwnendjdkke and ): before i get too deep into that — i must thank you another time kruin !! because i know you’ve been busy — and of#course you must be ?! im sure life becomes much more hectic during the holidays and new years like this — so i’m just so soft over the fact#that you spent time to do this for me and i :’) i really appreciate it from the bottom of my heart — i would like to say ‘you really didn’t#have to!!’ BECAUSE YOU DIDNT !!! YIU DIDNT NEED TO DO ANYTHING FOR ME — YOU DIDNT ): IM JUST SO SAPPY AND MUSHY THAT YOU CHOSE TO AND ):#and the background being pink . i love pink !!! i know exactly where this specific shade of pink will prosper ( give me a second .. when i#awake ) .. BUT OH )): thank you so much kruin … it means so much to me .. more than i could ever try to explain !!! BUT IS IT OKAY IF I TALK#ABOUT HOW YOU DREW MOZE BECAUSE . i’m dead on the floor -> x0x this is me because you made his cheeks SO squishy HIS SIGNATURE SQUISHABLE#LOOK . I WONDER HOW ARTISTS MAKE HIM LOOK SO SQUISHY ?? the squish technique ?? BECAUSE HE LOOKS SO CUTE SHJEJD ): KRUIN YOURE SUCH AN AWESO#ME ARTIST . SO TO BE ABLE TO SEE HIM IN YOUR STYLE ….. *thanks everyone for allowing me to have eyes* a wonderful day !! to have eyes !!! i#will actually risk disintegrating into evieparticles if i even so much as mention the blush on his cheeks so — instead . YOU GAVE HIM SUCH A#oh no . the look on his face T T kruin i don’t want to talk about it !!!!! but you — the look on his face !!!! must you draw him in such a#cute manner /pos i am starting to feel speechless trying to talk about how pretty he is in your style because . perhaps toopretty for me#to even make any type of comment ( instead — i sneak a glance and then turn away because if i stare too long …. IF I STARE TOO LONG .. *expl#explodes* ) kruin i think i will just cry seeing the level of detail you put into this ): like my hair ): i think i will just kneel in front#of you and cry and apologize over and over as i wipe my tears on my sleeve because my tears make it difficult to properly thank you /lh#the fact that there are sparkles T T the world is full of sparkles when mr shadow exists !!! a lovely . YOU KNOW WHAT . the sparkles are#there because KRUIN EXISTS . I LOVE YOU KRUIN. I LOVE YOU SOO MUCH ))): I DONT RVEN KNOW HOW TO DTART EXPRESSING MY GRATUTUDE#tldr - i am gobsmacked & staring at this for the next ( infinite amount of time ) thank you kruin !!! ): wishing you only the best .#aggressively wishing you only the best * aggressively turning to go O_O at anything that dares threaten a lovely day for you!!!!
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🌷
#‘If you don't want to answer’ anon#yeah it’s a bit to early to talk about it and knowing this fandom it probably will never be the right time either#i tend to agree with you because I’m that sort of person that stands up for others when I feel there is something wrong going on#i like to confront people and I like to make things very clear#knowing this about myself I always struggle when the others dont do the same#and yeah if you keep Louis out of the equation#as you said he suffered from it too but still took the chance to speak up#(even if his fans are nasty and mostly stupid and i tell that with any possible intention of sounding rude and pretentious)#so you know his words fell a but unheard because that rage and hate kept going#i tend to agree with you on that#but they don’t ever talk or take any position like ever#it’s frustrating because you can’t take actions and try your best to soothe such strong negative emotions#and the fact they didn’t and never do… yeah it’s disappointing but also not really?#cause i don’t expect them too yk?#i think that if they were aware of what was going on now they are now already guilty tripping#i hope they’re taking care now but also i hope this is some sort of wake up call#to stop such waves of criticism and anger towards someone unreasonably#and just show support and do whatever you can to protect humanity#with kindness and respect. not only with words you know
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what are bradley’s earliest memories of ice and mav? the bits of his perspective on them that you’ve written are so fascinating
fairly unsurprising answer but: ice: when he came to see Carole to apologize for killing goose in ch 2 of wwgattai (sets the tone of their relationship)
mav: something very benign like mav doing magic tricks for him as a little little kid. you know how your earliest memories are always a little fuzzy and always afternoon sunshine? imagine a desaturated maverick sitting crosslegged in the grass in pale afternoon southern california sunshine showing Bradley how he can detach his thumb from his hand and then put it back again. no blood, no bone, no pain, and he’s got this daredevil grin like he’s enjoying separating his thumb from his hand. can’t see his eyes behind his aviators. the best magicians are the ones who can make even their pain disappear. or, playing “got your nose,” holding Bradley’s nose up so he can see it right in front of his very eyes, NO PAIN!, and then making it disappear. “where’d your nose go, Gosling? oh, my gosh, I lost your nose!! how’re you gonna smell? i bet you’re gonna smell bad. get it? get it? —here it is, i found it, don’t worry, it’s all good!” and putting his nose back so everything’s ok. that’s Bradley’s earliest memory of mav.
#Bradley’s nose (mavs thumb) is a foreshadowing metaphor for the academy here obviously#this is just my conjecture as a californian kid who was many times duped by the thumb trick myself.#You know where they screw it off and it really looks convincing#im closer to 10 years old than i am to 31 😞 ten years ago today i was at my little baseball summer camp :) in third grade#pete maverick mitchell#tom iceman kazansky#bradley rooster bradshaw#top gun#asks#also ive had this little scene where he drives to their house in his moms car after some late high school event#only to find ice & mav passed out on the couch together at 9:30 at night with the tv still playing#because mav had made a home between ices arms and (tired fighter pilot after long day of drills) fell asleep there and what#was ice supposed to do; wake up an exhausted American hero & push him away? no. this isn’t so bad. —and then accidentally fell asleep too.#and bradleys just standing there in his homecoming tux going ‘oh this is real. oh they really are. oh. ok i will let them sleep.’#and sneaking back into his moms car to go to his own house for once.#i can’t find anywhere to put that scene so you’re getting it in the tags of this post
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had my personal assessment for work and it went well but i still felt like i could burst into tears at any given moment.
#my manager is like ‘oh you could be a strategist in the next year if you want’ and I’m like ‘i don’t even know what I’m doing tomorrow’#she’s really nice but I feel like I can’t be *chill* around her#she’ll joke around and stuff but I can tell she’s about work and stuff at the end of the day#and figuring out fucking GOALS#stupid fucking goals that is extra work outside of your already heavy workload#I hate the corporate world and the culture#I appreciate the benefits I get through work. that’s the only incentive to stay at this company and in this line of work#I just don’t care!!! I don’t care about how evolved my role!#why can’t i grow and evolve outside of work#how can i find value in myself outside of work#when we’re so conditioned to equate our jobs to our worth#i feel like I need more hobbies and interests outside of work to cultivate that#but work keeps you so busy! there isn’t time!#i don’t have time to get my work done in the way because of all the meetings! so I have to do some work on the weekends!?! bullshit!!!#i have to spend time prepping lunch and dinner so I have more time to work!??#i hate it here!!!#i think about lockdown during Covid which was scary but note having *any* responsibility#being able to wake up and think ‘what do i want to do today’ and i could make bread#or just read. or sit and not feel this impending doom because I’m not being productive#I feel like I had way better work life balance before I changed roles cause I had way less responsibility#but no. I took a new opportunity in the hopes of growing and evolving and now i barely have enough time to do my job during working hours#I’m sorry this is a horrible work rant. I’m grateful for employement but I don’t like it lol
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one thing abt being disabled/chronically ill that some people don’t get is that sometimes body maintenance that ensures you have the absolute minimum amount of function can also be something that takes away a lot of control and autonomy. you can argue till the cows come home that making those decisions to try and help yourself (or realistically to try to make sure things aren’t worse than they already are) is something that exhibits control and autonomy and stuff, but they can be so limiting in practice because they’re things that take up so much time but have to be done to do anything else
#i have to sleep a lot. i’m at the point where functioning requires 8 hours of sleep if not more#I should probably be getting 10+ but i’m a student and i work so 8 is the minimum. but then also getting ready for bed is a whole process s#the whole thing can take 10-12 hours depending how much im sleeping. just to make sure i can do anything#that is time in my day i cannot use for anything else. it’s not ‘oh but i can push through it’ because i can’t without spending the next da#lightheaded and nauseous and vaguely dizzy and with such intense brain fog I can’t think with my fatigue so bad i genuinely don’t know how#get myself to work a lot of days. my abled peers don’t have to deal with this at all. they have unlimited study time if they want to#and yeah it is a choice i’m making that’s true i could just not do. except i would lose my job and fail out of college because i would not#be able to get to classes or do my homework or think. but being told ‘but you are making choices about your life’ when i have lost so much#of what i used to be able to do because i am spiralling down and continuing to get worse is so.#literally last year i would wake up at 6:30 and then go to school till 3 and then go to my internship until 10 and get home at 11 and be in#bed anywhere from midnight to two in the morning and then wake up the next day and do it all again. i graduated with a 3.9 gpa and made it#into my top college while dealing with my cancer symptoms and then the two surgeries about it#but now i lose half my day to just making sure i can get out of bed. i can’t go anywhere because my body is physically too exhausted#any extra time goes into doing homework or occasionally time to myself#not decimating my health by doing minimum body care responsibilities isn’t freeing. occasionally i have a good day which is freeing but tha#usually goes into just. other things outside class or work or eating. I don’t go do something for myself or go do something fun on good day#because I still can’t. good days just mean i don’t want to lie down on the pavement when i’m going somewhere#I just. I don’t magically have control over my life because i try to get enough sleep. i lose half my day to doing that and ultimately it’s#just a bodily function that would have to happen anyway#this is a vent post im just having a really hard time right now because it feels like im in exponential decline. it was nowhere near this#bad last semester. my grades are tanking and i have no free time because anything outside of sleep is either work or school#vent tw#yall can rb this just ignore my tags completely#disability#chronically ill#i keep trying to explain to people how pots works because that’s all logical but there’s no way to explain what it’s doing to my body or ho#i feel all the time. the last time i felt this bad was when i had a bad flu or immediately after surgeries because i don’t react well to#anesthesia and always come out of them feeling like shit. and now i just feel like this all the time and it’s only getting worse#I can’t even stay up late anymore because my body feels like it isn’t counting the sleep even if I get 8 hours#I can deal if I have a free day the day after but that just leaves Friday and Saturday nights and I usually still have to do homework
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I think I’m making improvements on my mental health btw. Today was a good day I got my double infusion AND a flu shot (which I was surprised by but did it anyway with no mental prep) and managed to have a good evening when I got home. I was briefly nervous about tomorrow since it’s going to be my dad, my sister, and I in the house and they aren’t really getting along with each other atm but I’ve tasked myself with watching the Halloweentown movies so I don’t start worrying about a potential argument that only has a 10% chance of happening. In short I just can’t wait for election season to be over.
#I’ve only been anxious before I go to sleep and when I wake up but I’ve noticed that coming downstairs to great everyone and catch up with#everyone and then going back upstairs and chilling for like 45 minutes before rejoining my family helps#because I do love my family but sometimes their venting is a lot and their frustrations weigh heavily on me because I feel bad I can’t help#them change certain aspects of their reality#it’s so silly but that little break has helped so much#but yeah I’m learning and growing and I keep reminding myself if I have to take baby steps that’s fine and at least it’s better than what I#was doing which was absolutely nothing so yeah.#autumn rambles
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For some reason every time I start spending a lot of time around a guy my brain decides to give me at least one dream where I am romantically involved with them despite me not having any actual romantic feelings for them while I’m awake and it really fucks with me every time. What does it all mean 😭
#had a very vivid dream about this just now#and I never know how to feel about it when I wake up#because it always makes me doubt myself like what if I actually do like this guy but awake me can’t tell#like I’m pretty sure I’m aro and I don’t think I’ve ever had real romantic feelings for anybody#but for some reason my subconscious likes to torture me like this
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Oh my god. You know it’s getting bad when you start doing things you don’t even want to do to procrastinate on something you really do want to do.
It would be one thing if it were something like a hobby; but the thing I want to do is also extremely necessary to my life.
#Hhhhhhngh#for three weeks I’ve been doing this#I’ve had all the time in the world#and I have a sneaking suspicion that I’m doing this out of a subconscious desire to prove to myself that I’m actually fucked up in the head#Which is already proof enough that I have that desire in the first place; but I keep going because it’s not enough#I only ever feel like I need care when I’m at my absolute worst#And suddenly after being so exhausted that I fell asleep at 7:00 some days; I’m staying up until 2:30 AM and waking up at 8:00???#and I feel fine and perfectly awake; but still can’t manage to get myself out of bed until 10:00 because Comfy#I sit and I read for an hour; then I go on my phone and emerge at 5:00 PM#If I go in the bathroom it takes forever to get back out because I end up talking to myself in the mirror about god knows what#I feel like I need some kind of… idk… very strong stimulant in me so I can actually care about things#not that stimulants work like that; but I need to have some kind of catastrophic life event… to get beaten up or something#something to put pure fear and concern in my veins#It is summer and there is almost no chance of me getting kicked or catching a football in the wrong place#and I don’t have to run right now either#I could do something#I know how#But even that is a damned if you do damned if you don’t situation; because that ALSO makes me not want to do things#At least then I’d have a palpable (literally) excuse but uh…. I’m still kind of getting over the last time#I am on my phone all day and I recognize that’s bad; but the thing I need to do is to send an email… which is on my phone; so there’s that#hypocritical#idk there’s something about using limited supplies to deal with a problem that needs more and hoping for the best#it excites me#Makes me feel like a big boy who can handle serious situations#But if I create the problem then it means nothing except that I cannot handle problems at all#I should not have all the responsibilities I do because I am not entirely in my right mind#I am thinking about it though#It’s tempting#get behind me satan
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#I honestly just want to drown in this sadness#my heart aches for Liam and the live he couldn’t get to stir in a better direction#for the boys who love their brother#for his family who saw him leave home as a bright kid full of dreams and hopes at 16#for the people traveling with him to bsas#can’t stop wondering if Geoff was with like he did back in May when I saw them#waking up to Nialls post was so heartbreaking because I know what that is#I hugged my mom for the last time one Monday at 4pm without knowing that was the last time#she texted me at midnight about a concert we were planning to go bc she saw a 2x1 promo from a place near my house#and then just past 3am she wasn’t here anymore#I might never make sense of any of this of losing her and seeing Liam go in such a tragic way#I’ve accepted grieving is something I’m going to carry forever and I’m trying hard to be kind with the new me#but this just doesn’t end and some days I’m just too tired#those are days where I remind myself about the love I can see and feel while I’m still earth side
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My sister’s graduation day 😤 let’s go 👏🏽
#gosh it’s gonna be a long day and I’m running on two hours of sleep again#i only get the chance to work at night because I don’t have ✨privacy✨#and I’ve been going to bed late and waking up even more tired than usual and my mom’s been scolding me for it#and now I’ve had to tell her what I’m doing and I feel like I just gave another piece of me away again#everything I am everything I do has to be for other people#im so tired when will I give my last piece away 🥹#this was to make ME proud of ME I was doing it for myself and now I feel like it’s for her#and then she’s going to tell my dad and now it’s for him too#also I can’t even cry about it because she HAS to know why I’m upset#she keeps glancing up at me and talking to me in bits#all I have left is my emotions 🥹#anyhow sorry to start the day off so gloomy and depressing I have literally nothing to be sad about I’m very privileged#sorry you guys see me being a baby constantly 🥺 I really do have a good life and shouldn’t be complaining#here’s to a better day for us all#melifails#now i feel like a jerk subjecting you all to this😭 sorry sorry let’s move on#im gonna be a busy bee hopefully I can squeeze in a time for a nap#😭 I don’t waaaaaannnnnaaa sit for hours in the California heat MAYBE with the sun hitting us in the face#our football field is NOT kind in this way#hopefully my sister gets the shady side but even then the sun will hit us in the face eventually just not as long#im !!! excited!!!! I bought ice cream for today 👏🏽 I originally bought choco chip and minto moose tracks?? my sister loves mint flavor#so I bought mint Oreos too so she can eat them with her ice cream 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽#i assume we’re getting take out of some sort so that; ice cream; and uuuuuuu I don’t remember anything else I bought; my best friend did#bring us snacks yesterday!!! pretzels and cookies!!! so that!!!#okay brain no work no more I gotta get dressed love you muah muah muah
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I just get so tired of waking up every day and having to claw my way up to some emotional baseline
#but really what choice do I have#just not wake up? not the healthiest option#probably need to up my meds#I just feel so defeated living each day like this#bleggghhh#so I take a small handful of pills and vitamins and drink my little coffee and chug water and try try try to distract myself#wining. whinging and wining and bitching and moaning.#what would my therapist suggest? try focusing on what’s real and logical and rational. not feelings and emotions?#but I just can’t always be logical with fucking chemicals in my brain#I can’t outthink chemicals or the days when my hearing gets real bad or even when I just don’t feel too fucking good my dude#try to focus on the good parts of tinnitus and bug hurty tummy ya butthole#okay he’s not a butthole he’s actually very very nice and has been very patient with me#but just let me be negative about this for a minute jeez#I’m so fucking grumpy these last few days#trying to… ugh I guess eat my feelings? I hate that phrase and I’m not over eating#but I have been I guess STRATEGICALLY EATING things I hope would temporarily boost my mood. sugary stuff. caffeine. junk.#god I wish I just had drugs for this. for when it gets too hard.#this sounds so pathetic. oooo nooo I just want to get high because im soooo sad 😭#I have three (3) klonopin left I save for bad days or anxiety or whatever and I doubt my doc is gonna give me more#I’ve been taking buspar for the past couple of weeks and I really don’t know if it helps#hell im not entirely convinced buspar is not only NOT adding anything but if I stop my body will hate me#need to go talk about that with the dr but my appointment is next month and im lazy about pushing it up sooner#we’ll see. probably do that tomorrow after I run some errands#is this exciting? getting to see me plan out my day tomorrow? gonna grab groceries and med refills. wow it’s an inside scoop just for you#anyway this is a lot of rambling and I’m sorry if you read any of this#I’m super duper poor right now but I think I’ll run to the gas station and get a big fucking huge soda so I can ride a small sugar high#uggghhhh what a waste of a post#you can ignore this#text
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my roommate told me to stop thinking of myself as embarrassing for this and to be kinder to myself about it and she’s right but damn that thought pathway is well-worn
#he and i were texting last night kind of a lot. one of those text conversations where it just keeps going across multiple hours#and when i said i should probably go to sleep he said to dream of cushy corner offices (it was relevant to the convo)#but i’ve been having these super strange and very intense vivid dreams lately so i told him that#and he said he would want to hear about them sometime and i said i genuinely don’t remember enough of any of them to make it a good story#but i did have another vivid strange dream and the MINUTE i woke up i was thinking of how to describe it to him#so i texted him about it. and none of this is the embarrassing part yet#the embarrassing part is that the dream i remember most vividly from the last week is one where he was holding me#and at 1:30 am last night i almost told him that. but idk how he would take it. so i didn’t#and the embarrassing part today is that as i was lying there waking up trying to remember all parts of the dream#i was like god what if he was right here with me. what if all i had to do was roll over and poke him to wake up him and tell him about it#FUCK!#k said to stop calling myself embarrassing and pathetic about this but it’s REALLY HARD NOT TO#because this is the same fucking guy i’ve been having this very complicated relationship with since SOPHOMORE YEAR. MOST OF COLLEGE.#WHY AM I NOT OVER HIM YET WHY HAS THIS ONE GUY HAD SUCH A HOLD ON MY ROMANTIC EXPERIENCES IN COLLEGE#isn’t that kind of embarrassing??#and like part of it is that he’s definitely also still into me but he’s fucked up about the idea of being in a relationship#so we almost went back into something this fall but he was like ‘i wouldn’t be able to be what you deserve’#which a) i get to decide what i fucking deserve okay shut the fuck up#b) you’re holding yourself to some invisible nonexistent standard. if we were to date again it would look EXACTLY like how we were friends#this fall and how we are friends now except also we’re kissing#so that’s part of why i can’t fully let go of it. because the hope is still there#but oh my goddddd it’s so hard not to be like. hmm. chastising myself for this?#shouldn’t i be over this by now?#especially bc over summer break we barely spoke and i thought i’d gotten over him#over winter break we spoke occasionally about grad school applications but i barely thought about him and i thought i got over him again#i just feel like it’s an embarrassing pattern and i wish i could break it but i don’t know how#shit. anyway. i’m gonna go do my laundry now. ignore this#shut up hannah#personal
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also something i’ve been doing and focusing on, and i can’t stress enough for young woman and girls like myself to do ESPECIALLY when your still growing and developing, is to not make being loved your only priority in life. it’s important to have passions, interests, and hobbies outside of a potential boyfriend/girlfriend opportunity.
#im serious#i’ve neglected myself and what i loved because i was so stressed on whether or not i was going to be okay or not that day because of someone#tumultuous in my life#who couldn’t decide if they liked me or not or if this relationship was something they wanted or cared about enough to pursue#and in return hating myself and tearing myself apart for not being enough#i can’t stress this enough when you don’t live your life based on male validation whether it’s a certain male or every male and instead#validate yourself and do and only chose the things that NOT ONLY DO YOU LOVE BUT ALSO LOVE YOU BACK you will be so fulfilled and excited to#wake up in the morning#there’s always time for what you love and what you love will always make time for you#and in that only good things can happen to you because at the end of it all you didn’t abandon yourself and it’ll be harder for anything or#anyone else to do the same because of your positive influence and energy#im sorry for going off and ruining my mystic and letting you in a little bit of my life currently right now but honestly#i was probably going to come out eventually and say this soon enough with what i’ve been working on recently#it’s something im very passionate about and has been helping me through a lot and i thought it could help someone else too
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guys I’m writing a ballet romance story cause your mama and I need help with the romance gist
how in your own words would you describe what love feels like? I fear I do not know the feeling just yet so for now I must search for clues like Scooby doo.
also what places can someone rest your hand when helping you do ballet without it being seen lewd, just intimate? If I want a book of mine to be good, I don’t want it to be plain porn at every turn and corner
#Story#story writing#i got the plot#Just need help with love#Love related#Story plotting#Turn to your tables and discuss ahh request#I’m sorry for that last tag#Do you ever wonder what ducks feel like when they witness turkeys and pigs get taken for holiday dinners and not them?#Like would they be happy to live or sad they never are liked enough to be chosen.?#I kin Saiki K too much and now I can’t love /jk#But fr how do I find someone I can love and cherish and wake up every day motivated enough because of them?#I NEED LOVE MYSELF SO I’M HOPING THIS STORY WILL PROJECT IT ONTO ME AND STUFF#I DONT know what I’m doing#Making references for the story#got like 6 articles purely ballet pose related#Don’t get me started on the terms..
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Wow that was a very good session of haterism this is why I love this account 😻🤞✨
^^ also me cause I’d go right back to her wahoo
#I still hate her but <333 I feel a bit better#better enough to reply back to her but I’ll leave her be#oh one thing I forgot to mention is that she ALWAYS wants what’s mine#btw I don’t even have that much !!!! “I wish I could be stressed at all”#bitch I can’t stop shaking and nothing is sticking in my brain#“at least you could wake up early” BITCH. waking up early is hardly a flex when I wake up at fucking five am and study from day to night#STRAIGHT with NO BREAKS !!!!!#it’s hardly a good thing when I cannot comprehend a word#because I’m so stressed that I legitimately developed insomnia#you piece of shit I hope you get every bad thing that you’ve caused for me all the hassad the jealousy you disgusting human being and I wis#it multiplies a thousand fold for you#so that you don’t need to look down on me any longer like you look down on me AND dahlia#you’re so cruel#I wonder how any of your friends like you#and it’s pathetic that the only way anybody knows me is that I’m fatemas friend#I HATE YOU !!!! I don’t want to be tied to you for the rest of my life#why the fuck do you think I went insane after I found out the only reason Eris liked me was because I reminded her of someone else#THIS is why I feel like I’m a fucking nobody because I’m never ever myself I’m always someone else#how is that fair exactly huh#?!?!)!:$8392/@102@:&:9292/&/&29#dora daily#such a jealous piece of trash she should’ve begged more to be my friend and I should’ve laughed at her face#these are not the only things she’s done#she was neutral and blamed me at times when a girl was bullying me and getting everyone to gang up on me#now she says it’s not my fault#after what hmmm ? after I went clinically insane ? after the panicking after loosing my family support after everyone hating me#when I say life is unfair I don’t mean generically#I mean quite literally life is more unfair to myself than most people#because I know it’s unfair but according to my analysis of others’ lives most cannot dream to compare to the shit this bitch put me through#for most of my developmental years
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