#because this is what left the biggest impact on his psyche...

[buckydeservesthebest]

I've kept thinking about this for a while… and I realized that I theorized too much and I think I took the wrong take in some respects, so I'm essentially coming to contradict myself on a few things.

I just realized that after activating the Winter Soldier's programming, Zemo first asks Bucky about the December 16, 1991 mission report, but this is something Bucky doesn't answer and that's why instead Zemo asks him about the specific Siberian base he was imprisoned in. This means that Bucky doesn't remember or have access to past mission reports, as these are something his handlers ask him for once he returns from those missions, before he is subjected to a new ECT session, which erases all his memories, there is no way for the pre-lobotomization information to still be there afterwards. That's why we never saw any of his handlers ask him for information about past missions, because he doesn't have them.

That said, I believe that while Bucky loses virtually all of the information he experienced under the Winter Soldier's mind control, there is a very small fraction that remains, and they are the memories that had the most impact on him and his psyche: the faces of the people he was forced to kill. In fact, precisely in TFATWS, the only flashback we got to see was of the Winter Soldier's targets, not how he got to the place in question in the first place, or how his handler gave him his orders. All we got to see were the kills, nothing else. Spellman also made reference to the fact that the only memories Bucky keeps are specifically of the faces of the people he was forced to kill.

"So when Bucky enters the series, he's never ever shaken what he believes, which is, *'I remember everyone, murders,* which means that part of me was there, which means a part of the Winter Soldier is me.' And if even a fraction of Winter Soldier is you, you are an awful person."

The Marvel Studios; Visual Dictonary book also makes reference to Bucky only remembering that.

And if anything, the only thing extra that Bucky could remember was the location of the HYDRA base in Siberia where he was imprisoned, but most likely this is something he remembers because he was taken there since 1945, i.e. before HYDRA had managed to break his mind at all. And most likely also, the only thing Bucky could remember about the place is the visual description, because there is no way he could have extracted the specific coordinates of the place from those vague fuzzy memories. He just gave the location description to Zemo and he deduced the rest on his own.

I also believe that the information Bucky gave about the other Winter Soldiers was not something he remembered on his own, but something Zemo told him. And that's something Bucky vaguely remembered because he hadn't been subjected to an ETC session before the trigger words were spoken. Because it doesn't make sense that Bucky could have remembered the other WS when he couldn't remember that mission report, nor that Zemo first asked him about it, when also this would be information that would have been lost after another 25 years of ECT. Another thing that supports this, is that Bucky told Steve and Sam that Zemo could control the other Winter Soldiers when this is not true, because none of them were subjected to mind control like Bucky was. So ultimately, this idea must have been something Zemo told Bucky.

In turn, Bucky doesn't remember what he did shortly after that, which is why he asked “what did I do?” when he woke up from the blackout, and why he also didn't seem to recognize Sam, Sharon, Natasha or anyone else, nor could he even remember fighting Steve. On his reunion with Steve in Bucharest, Bucky also doesn't remember that prior to pulling Steve out of the river, the two had had a confrontation.

So my conclusion is that the only memories that remain in Bucky's mind are only the ones that left the most impact on him, which are the faces of the people he was forced to kill, and nothing else.

By the way, about the long debate among the fandom about whether it is true or not that Bucky could not fully recognize Steve in their meeting in Bucharest, the book "Marvel Studios The Marvel Cinematic Universe An Official Timeline" gives a definitive answer, Bucky was telling the truth, he recognized Steve's face but not his friendship, at least not fully. And it was with time, or perhaps thanks to the blow that caused his blackout, that Bucky began to recover more of his memories together...

“That line was an interesting moment. At the time, the choice I was making is that [Bucky] had realized there was no way he was getting out of there, and someone was gonna die, whether it was gonna be him, Steve or Tony. When he says that line, to me, it was a turning point — he was, like, ‘Okay, I know what you want me to say, and I’m just gonna say it.’ When someone comes at you over and over again, and they can’t hear you, they can’t see you’re pleading with them, you’re trying to figure out how to get through to them and they just won’t accept it, at some point you just give in, and you go, ‘that’s right, that’s what you want.’ Of course [Bucky] didn’t remember them all.” —  Sebastian Stan

[dsybouquet]

ceo! ellie - 3

what if a broke uni student met the ceo of one of the most impactful companies right now? without her even knowing?

lowercase is intentional

read part 1 aaaand part 2 right here ! xx

"good to see you, ellie."

"hey dina."

ellie lightly said, giving her lawyer a hug. she in fact was relived to see the silghtly older woman sitting in her office chair, smiling ever so lightly.

"what's the news?"

the ceo asked, lighting herself a cigarette before loosening the hair tie that hold her bun together. she looked at the slightly older woman with confused eyes.

"good or bad news first?"

"good i guess?"

she sat down besides dina to have a look at the lawyers screen, like she would understand all the paragraphs and lawyer language she had all over her desktop.

it‘s been a while since ellie and dina had so much to discuss. when ellie became ceo, they would talk every day, also about non business topics. sometimes they both wonder how they grew apart like this.

"good news is, we will not get sued!"

dina exclaimed, clapping her hands slightly. she threw an encouraging smile at ellie.

"the client is mad, however.. they have a different way for you to make up for it. so the bad news is-"

"let me guess, our yearly charity event should be in honor to them instead of joel?“

the blackhaired woman raised an eyebrow.

"i mean, yeah kinda. they want to be more represented.“

ellie got up from her seat and walked around the office. the smoke of her cigarette hugging her face every time she blew it out.

„did i ever mention how i despise abby sometimes?“

„like every other day.“

dina just laughed it off, she knew how much of an temper ellie could have - and over the years it got just worse.

„no like, seriously. ever since joel died in that car crash i have to deal with her bullshit and i can‘t do anything because they are the biggest client we have!“

and here it goes. ellie threw her cigarette in the ashtray before slumping on her office chair again.

joels death resulted in her taking his place - being the ceo of miller enterprises. and as much as she loved the money and the big cars and the responsibility, she also hated it. none of this is her‘s, it‘s joels. he did all the work, she just had to be next in line.

he had adopted her years after his daughter has passed away due to an medical condition. to say the least, ellie was a rough child and teen. she was loud, sarcastic and had her own will. of course she would listen to joel, after all he wad the only parental figure she had ever have.

„it‘s almost five years now.“

she mumbled, looking at her desk.

ellie hated christmas season and winter. she hated the snow and the beautiful lights. she hated it because it reminded her of him. of the call from dina, the hours in the hospital, the beeping sound of the machine that so desperately tried to keep him alive.

„i know.“

dina added, leaning against ellie’s table. she gave her a encouraging smile.

„how about we start the planning tomorrow? go home and have a good nights rest.“

and so ellie left the office with a small goodbye to dina and went back to her car. she sat down in the drivers seat. as much she loved her car, she didn’t want to drive.

tears slowly build up in her eyes, but she quickly swallowed it when she saw an unfamiliar book on the passenger seat. a book about.. the human psyche ?

you must have forgotten it when ellie dropped you off at home.

„damn it.“

she said under her breath and whipped out her phone, calling your number immediately. and to her surprise you picked up very fast.

„hey ellie! are you okay ?“

your voice was so gentle, ellie was about to die from it’s sweetness.

„hey dear. yeah don’t worry. uh- you forgot your book in my car. need me to drop it off ?“

there was some noise on the background, sounding like you fumbling around in your bag to find it.

„that would be great, ellie. i‘ll make up for it.“

she smiled, starting her engine and looking up your adress from her recent routes.

„i will be there in 20! see ya, ______!“

and off she went, excitement now building up.

.❀。• *₊°。 ❀°。

„hey, thank you so much.“

you smiled, waiting on your doorstep, still in the same hoodie, but with pyjamas pants below now.

„no worries.”

“are you free? i can cook you some dinner. you know, to make up for you having to drive here again?“

now ellie smiled but shook her head.

„no, it‘s fine. don‘t worry.“

„ellie, c‘mon. let me do something for you as well!“

and how could she say no to some with a pretty face like yours?

so she agreed, and you lead her up the stairs to your apartment. it was small but lovely and well decorated. scented candles burned in the hallway and the living room was dimly lit with a lap and the led strips behind your running tv.

„it‘s not much but it‘s affordable - for an uni student at least.“

you smiled before going to your kitchen counted which was connected to your living room.

„what do you mean? it‘s pretty!“

ellie eyes the nerdy figurines on your shelves and the pictures on your walls while you grabbed two wine glasses from your shelf.

„are you fine with a cheap rose?“

you asked her as you opened your fridge. ellie looked at you and just felt all the weight of her work falling off her shoulders. she felt.. normal. like you. oh, how she wished to be an uni student, living her best life in an small apartment instead of leading people and having responsibilities beyond imagination.

of course, she did not have to worry about bills or anything. but money and power doesn’t buy happiness. this does.

„absolutely!“

she sat down on one of your kitchen chairs and watched you pour in the wine with a smile.

„thank you dear.“

she said so softly your knees got weak. and you smiled, letting your glass softly hit hers before taking a sip, not breaking eye contact.

„so, i can offer you: noodles with green pesto, noodles with red pesto, or i can try my luck with a mushroom risotto. additionally, i can also make a side salad.“

you smiled, leaning against the kitchen counter. ellie hadn’t felt this carelessness and even happiness in a while. after all, she never had this.

„risotto sounds amazing.“

she smiled, watching you sigh in despair.

„of course you choose the hardest dish. will not guarantee that it will be good!“

you reached for a pan and put out all ingredients; mushrooms that would have to leave your fridge soon anyways, risotto rice, onion and garlic. the simplicity as so beautiful to ellie.

„let me help.“

and so she cut the mushrooms and washed the rice while you took care of the onions and garlic. the two of you laughed and made fun of each other’s cutting skills while emptying your wine glasses and watching the risotto take form.

„that‘d actually pretty bomb!“

you exclaimed while taking the first bite, already half way down on the second wine glass.

„ellie, we are a great team in the kitchen!“

ellie smiled, agreeing with you.

„like hell, we are!“

you spend your dinner laughing and talking about all sorts of things. friends, memories, drunk accidents that were embarrassing. it felt so light to finally not have business talks with people she couldn’t care less about.

after washing the dishes, and pouring a third glass of wine, you took the conversation to your small but comfortable couch.

and it got late, waaaay too late. and the snow kept falling, causing the streets to be white.

„you shouldn’t be driving home tonight.“

you said, looking at the streets while ellie smoked a cigarette on your balcony.

„nah, i will be fine. i don’t want to take up your space.“

„no ellie, i mean it. we drank, it‘s snowy. it would be better for you to sleep here.“

after a while of convincing, she finally agreed, snapping her cigarette off your balcony.

„and you get to spend more time with me. feel honoured!“

you joked, not knowing that it was exactly what she wanted. to spend more time with you, in this carefree environment. where she can be herself, where she can be just ellie and doesn‘t have to be ellie williams - ceo of miller enterprises.

after finishing the last glass of wine, you decided to call it a night. you gave ellie a hoodie from your closet and a pair of pyjama pants before brushing your teeth in the bathroom and doing your daily skincare. when you returned, you laughed a little. she looked so cute in your huge uni hoodie and the fluffy pj pants.

„why are you laughing?!“

„im just used to seeing you in business clothing. but this is adorable!“

she rolled her eyes and took the spare toothbrush you held in her direction.

„fuck off !“

one more laughter left your throat before you prepared the bed for two. luckily it was big enough. although your couch was comfortable, it was small and most likely would break either your or ellies back when sleeping a night on it.

so you shared a bed. after all, thats nothing to worry about, right?

both of you kind of awkward tugged in before facing each other. the wine did make all of this less awkward. once again you noticed how pretty ellie was. the freckles and little eyebrow scar.. her long lashes that made her green eyes even prettier, her auburn hair that hugger her face perfectly.. she was perfect.

and she thought the same about you. her hand reached out to your face and tugged a piece of your hair behind your ear. oh how she wanted to kiss you - yet she didn’t, not knowing you wanted it too.

“good night, ellie.”

“night, ______.”

.❀。• *₊°。 ❀°。

THERE WE GOOOOO. different from what i wanted, but i hope you enjoy ✧*:.｡.

part 4 is here ! ! bye bye xx

taglist: @harrysslutsstuff @vwonnie @mikaaj @elliewilliamsgf69 @weridcattty @feelsoseencantdream @honeymoonbbie @katymae12344 @aouiaa @bbglmfao

[theinsanecrayonbox]

Sabretooth War part 10

alrighty kids, we are FINALLY at the end of this mess. we all agree it won't be satisfactory, but let's see just how much of a let down it really is

It was 28* pages. the whole book was 55 pages. an average issue is 22 pages. i get it, it's the 50th milestone, and we're also doing the Wolverine anniversary, but sill... (*there are several splash pages/2-page spreads so my reader read those as singular pages, so it might more more??)

also, this is kinda one of the most lack luster out of the covers for this saga. it's not that engaging, it's kinda stock posed (especially for them) and it's just...not cool? we're at issue #50, we're doing anniversary stuff, this should be more appealing

we pick up where we left off; Logan vs Graydon on the beach while the Pit Gang and X-Force have ringside seats. Graydon saying his only goal in life is to be a wiener; yes, that's fine. Logan admitting he's a terrible parent after it's pointed out; that is good. Logan trying to talk Graydon into being a good guy; no. when Logan has done nothing but tear down Victor into being something pure evil that has no chance of redemption, as an immutable taint on existence itself, why would he assume anything connected to him could be anything good? do i think that; pft no, but i think Graydon's a wiener. but we're not talking about my perception, we're talking about Logan's and everyone in-universe. they all believe that the Creeds are vile and should be erased, that every bad action they have ever committed, no matter the reasoning behind it, is punishable. Graydon should NOT be exempt from that idea (not to mention he IS that terrible, deserves that treatment, and has NEVER tried to be anything other than that)

oh shutup, it would indeed

oh...never mind, the wiener boy is taken out IMMEDIATELY WITH NO FANFARE OR ANYTHING. WHY DID WE DEVOTE PLOT TO HIM IF HE'S USELESS AND WORTHLESS??? you built him up to be a big bad, but nope, he died like a wiener like he always does. i'd be less mad about this if we hadn't devoted such a big deal to his return and betrayal and yaddayadda. because you know what; those pages could've been used to develop the SabreSquad, or to delve into Vic's psyche better, or heck even give the Pit Gang or X-Force more to do (yes i'd've been hap[pier to have given more time to make the OTHER superfluous parts more important). but no, we have Victor's biggest regret in life show up to highlight his own shortfalls and vulnerabilities...to just get unceremoniously stabbed and dead yet again. he made no impact on anything, aside from a board wipe that could've been completed with those idiotic Stark Sentinels.

there is indeed no justice in this world

Logan's line could be impactful of we'd ACTUALLY took the time to point out the times he HAD CARED about people, and contrasted that against how his acre for them were their ultimate doom. we BRIEFLY touched that with Birdy, Holo, Bonnie, and heck even Graydon; he cared for each of them, and as a result they each died...and in the case of Graydon he sacrificed his own humanity to save him from hell only to see wiener boy not make something better of himself; with that second chance but just perpetuate the Creed curse of self hate taken out on the world enmass. seeing THAT should've been heart breaking. instead we get a dick measuring contest

but see that's the thing, this isn't about Victor's tortured psyche and his fall from grace, this is about "those with the powers make the rules" and "might makes right" and "unhinged animal vs the calm of man" or something, because of those lines up there, "You got no powers little man" "I don't need powers to put you down"

their powers are being animals; Victor has always embraced and not denied his nature, while Logan has always had to "fight the animalistic urges" and thus has made himself the pariah that all love. now he doesn't have that crutch; he has no powers, he is just man, while Victor has looked inward and rejected his own humanity to embrace nothing but the animalistic rage and power that brings. it is savagery vs civilized. but it's not done well, not at all...

good ra that was all before the opening text crawl X.x

last cast lineup, and Arkady is still absent despite being on screen, while Aurora and Northstar are still present despite not being in the book since part 2 or 3

no, nothing on the island works, where have you been

who are you to talk Mr OC, we still don't know you, none of us know you and none of you actually know Victor

i can't...i can't keep commentating on every little thing...

oh that's nice, a panel of Laura and Arkady fighting together to distract and calm me down (does he not have a ponytail?? is that one of my hair styles???)

we leave the B Teams to deal with the remainder of the Sentinels, so Victor and lure Logan away from them to go fight alone in the jungle. ok, fine, movement, logical progression for the stupid in progress. ok. we're in the Blob's tiki bar i think? fight scene, mysterious tunnel, mk......to the Council of Dumb's chambers. wtf. actually you know what, no, idc; the island is fallen into ruins, screw logical architecture. fine, Council chamber

he's mind melded with the Pit. i...fine. makes enough sense, eat Logan now please

he's not gonna stay down there though is he?

oh look another panel composed to distract and calm me down strategically placed (who's watching me????)

so yeah, Logan's gets eaten by the Pit and internal monologs about how Vic isn't playing fair by doing this now (baby >< )

the skewed panel borders are a very nice subtle unnerving detail; kuddos layout team

that aside, interesting that that's Zora/Silver Fox II

i am actually into this sequence...to bad it's cut far too short

i'll assume it's because of Tom they got pulled out, but where'd Laura's backup mask come from?

oh no it was the Cuckoo. that's dumb. you're dumb

X-Force all gangs up on Victor while eth Pit Gang sits back and smirks, and Cuckoo is going all holier and mightier than thou until Logan says "leave him to me"...

oh and he has his powers back because the Forge Armor had a Deus ex Machina in it to fix him. so once again, another highly built up plot point of super duper importance is just swept away pointlessly

splash page of pointlessness!

and another

sadly that's how the writers think about YOU Victor

so Logan cuts off Vic's hands, then move sin for the killing blow with the internal monolog being all "this is for my friends and family and all the people you ever hurt blahblahblah"

why is Graydon on the symbolic revenge reflection? he was a BAD GUY WHO WANTED TO MURDER YOU. i just...i can't, this is dumb

and he's dismembered. i'm not going to show that because i have used far too many images already and it's not even that intriguing. Logan is standing over a dismembered pile of Victor with a satisfied smirk while the B Teams stand behind him also smirking, and there's an angelic triumphant glow as if this is all super good and was super hard. all hail our infallible savior Wolverine >>

epilogue time; Cuckoo and sitting on a cliff with Quinthead (don't worry he gets better), the Pit Gang fly off into the sunset (don't worry Pya comes back), Logan stares into said sunset internal monologuing about how Krakoa was the best ever and he's learned to love again or something (i can't be bothered to care at this point) before looking to X-Force and taking up leadership of them for the umpteenth time.

SO as a FINALE to this whole 10 part saga...it's about on par with the rest. overly graphic for the sake of unpleasantness, and sacrificing actual character depth to make Logan look like the best eva and Vic is the ultimate evil that needs to be put down foreva and eva. as a Finale to the Lavalle trilogy...it's terrible. it was completely mishandled, so many threads started and left loosely hanging. what little character depth it had was probably from Lavalle, but he should've touched it more. this was a story that we've done before; we didn't tread on any new ground. the biggest new thing was the over the top gratuitous gore fest and that is not appealing. being unpleasant for the sake of being unpleasant is not appealing.

and honestly, i'm sticking to my conspiracy theory that Arkady was supposed to not appear in this at all. the panels in this issue were less drawn in afterwards to me, BUT his contributions were very nil and his inclusion did not add anything.

uhg i have half this issue left for just bonus Logan celebration stuff...do i care enough to do it? ok, sure, summaries though

Mutants on the edge of town: well it looks 97ish. some soda shop jerk kid has a Sentinel in hid barn...i find it very sus that doesn't know/recognize it as a Sentinel, but whatever. Logan and Jubes check it out and it wakes up so fight. interesting that it could detect heterochromia and defines THAT as a mutation worth capturing, thought it went after X-genes. but it blows up, the end. it's a fine enough bonus story i guess.

Endless: ah Percy, still at it with the overlt dramatic internal monolpg that sounds super deep and important but is just not. however i give you, he's Logan your life is one giant circle because we must repeat reapeat repeat.

oh...ok i know i said no pics for these, but this...this i liek and approve. you actually acknowledge that Arkady has become a good boy and that Beast is terrible. i...ok i give you a point for this sequence, thank you.

other than that, it's kind of an even more abridged Life of, but also the goodbye letter i guess since this is Percy's last run with Logan (except it's not)

then there's his actual good bye letter. and then solicits for other wolverine to read until the new titles launches in Sept with some previews that look very similar to Origin...repeatrepeatrepeat

so once again, the easiest summery: Victor is dead-dead yet again (he was decapitated, so there's a chance it'll stick (but Savage wasn't decapitated...) ), Arkady isn't dead and still with X-Force, Daken is dead-dead, Laura 2 is not dead, Graydon is dead yet again, and Logan sucks. the end

now to wait for August with the anniversary special *dead*

[singswan-springswan]

I dunno man I got nothing

words: 2217

rating: teen and up

warnings: mentions of prostitution

summary: Lucy wanders back to the marina and properly meets the merman that saved her life

read here on ao3 | part one | part two | part four | part five

@accidental-spice

Lucy had a brain worm. It would bother her less if she actually knew what song was stuck up there, or what the words were, or even how the tune was meant to go. All she had was the vaguest impression of music ringing back and forth between both ears, and it was something she’d lost a week of good sleep over.

It was sweet, she could say for sure at least. But the biggest feeling behind it was a staggering wistful loneliness, so raw and bitter that the kinder notes were weighed a whole octave down. Was that the right description? Music wasn’t Lucy’s forte. The song had been aching at the back of her brain for days, dismissable at first, but only growing louder as time passed. Even Grey noticed.

“Get some sleep, Chen.” He’d looked her up and down with the bordering judgemental stare he used to redirect concern. It was the end of her shift, and the next day she had off. Grey seemed grateful of that fact. “You look like a wreck.”

Lucy could only straighten and nod, because he wasn’t wrong. He might have been exaggerating, but Lucy was far from her best. She’d been distracted. And very tired. Plus the frenzy following the marina incident had left her feeling unfulfilled, even after they rounded up all the lunatics from the boat and had them detained. There was a trial date set. Still, Lucy felt unsettled.

She couldn’t sleep that night. And trying to carry her efforts well into the morning was a prospect that made her almost ill. So she got up, dressed, and tried to be productive. It was noon by the time she gave up on chores and studying to venture into the wild (walking out her door). There was only one place to go.

Ears ringing, Lucy wandered to the marina, almost spell-bound. By pure force of will alone did she manage to detour temporarily for lunch from Jho’s diner, where any cop worth their badge knew to spend the extra money. It was a convenient spot, so close to the station. Lucy had grown very fond of the food. She ordered two burgers. Weird and dumb of her, yes, but she ordered two.

She found the same rock shelf, found a flat spot to sit, unstrapped her sandals and laid them neatly to the side.

It was sunny. The sky was a warm shade of blue. A gentle motion stirred the air, softer than a breeze, and it smelled like casual California. Lucy stuck the tips of her toes into the lapping skim across the stones at her feet. The brisk feel was chilly. She unwrapped her burger.

It hadn't gone unnoted just how crazy it was to come back here. Had the event progressed any differently, Lucy might now be plagued with fresh PTSD and incredible discomfort. She was still a fairly green rookie. All these dramatic near-death experiences should have a weighty impact on her psyche. But this was different. For obvious reasons.

There was no sign of him now—not that that was saying anything. The marina was no resort, and its state of cleanliness sure reflected that fact. Lucy couldn’t blame him if he didn’t enjoy being here. It was a lot grosser than it looked at first glance. Still, her head was full of music, and she couldn’t help hoping that he’d show.

Lucy didn’t need validation. Not really. She knew what she’d seen, and she’d quickly made peace with it. No point agonizing over something like that, especially when there was no one she could rant to about it without risking time in an asylum. Anyway, she owed him her life. And she wasn’t about to disrespect that simply because his existence was a shock.

She wanted to see him. She didn’t need to… but she wanted to. She’d be nuts if she didn’t want to. Like most every little girl, she’d had a rampant mermaid obsession, and while she’d have preferred to meet the guy at that point in her life, the revelation was still cool now. In a freaky way. But still.

There were lots of questions she could ask. Just looking would be great too. But she couldn’t see any fish man frequenting the joint. In fact, she’d just taken the halfway bite of her burger when she decided he wouldn’t be making an appearance. Why would he?

It’d be hard to see him coming regardless, given where he’d be coming from. She consciously fixed her gaze to one spot. Scanning the surface and shoreline was doing nothing except make her eyeballs hurt. No point in that.

“I will literally prostitute myself to you for the rest of that burger.”

Lucy was. She was proud of herself for not reacting. Outwardly at least. Her heart might have stopped beating for a second or so. And—to be fair, she did pause midchew and flick her eyeline to where the voice came from. She should have seen him in her peripheral. 

He was sitting right in front of her. Granted, the water was dark and not the most crystal clear quality, but Lucy still mentally kicked herself. He was hard to miss. Even just the top half. 

For a prolonged and very awkward moment, Lucy stared. He was there. Right in front of her. An undeniable, real-life merman. 

It was unusual to see swimmers in the marina. Most people that frequented the place knew better. Hopefully if anyone saw him at a distance, they’d write him off as an idiot that didn’t know the restrictions, much less the health hazards. At a distance, the fins and gills weren’t too noticeable.

He was objectively hot. Lucy didn’t have a real chance to appreciate that before. Not that she’d expect any less from this particular strain of mythical creature. He had very pretty features, all hard lines, and sharp slopes, almost graceful in spite of the tension around his eyes. There was primal expectancy in his expression. The only thing keeping him from mugging her on the spot, it seemed, was some conditioned vestige of powerful self-control.

This was the single weirdest thing that had ever happened to Lucy. Even weirder than that incident with the pink tracksuit.

“...no need.” She managed around a mouthful of burger, then pushed the greasy bag towards him with her fingertips.

If his eyes tensed anymore, it’d look like he was narrowing them. His face remained blank otherwise.

It took another awkward moment before the realization settled in.

“You—”

“I got two of them. I don’t know why. You can have the other.”

He blinked firmly, then swallowed. Something close to awe flashed across his face. “Seriously?”

Lucy nodded with a quirk in the corner of her lips. “Yeah, uh. No… no prostitution necessary.”

Whatever desperation led to him making such an offer in the first place didn’t seem to rush him at her counter. His appreciation was slow, in fact. Slow and savory. He leaned forward and pulled the bag over, unrolled the top carefully, closed his eyes a fraction longer than an average blink and inhaled—actually inhaled out loud. Lucy watched utterly bemused as tears began to form.

“Are you okay?”

The way he unwrapped the burger was borderline sensual. It was weirding Lucy out a little bit.

“It’s been a long time s—” The wistfulness in his voice rang an alarm bell in her brain. Then she noticed. The music had stopped.

“Wait.” She interrupted. “You… it was you.”

He might have paused making love to his lunch and given her more attention if this wasn’t a long lost reunion of sorts. At least he looked at her over his first bite (the man had fangs).

“You did something when…” Lucy cleared her throat. “I couldn’t stop thinking about you all week.”

He had the audacity to raise an eyebrow. “Shocking.”

“No—! No, it’s not like that, I swear.” She thought about precursing her confession with a dumb disclaimer about it sounding weird, but after a second of consideration for the fact that she was watching a merman eat a cheeseburger from her favorite diner, she decided that any such statement would make her sound stupid. “I’ve been hearing music in my head ever since—you know. That’s gotta be you. Mermaids do music, right?”

Now he was giving her a judgy look. “First of all,” He talked with his mouth full too. “I’m not a mermaid.”

“Okay—”

“Second of all, that’s just your imagination.”

“The music?”

He was halfway through a euphoric bite when disgust overcame the pleasure in his features and made him reel back suddenly. “Ugh, what’s wrong with you? You eat tomatoes on your burger?”

Lucy was caught off guard. She could only watch, wholly miffed, as he squinted cynically and plucked the tomatoes off with surgical precision.

It couldn’t be her imagination. She’d never felt that way before. She lost sleep over it, without once associating the brain worm with the merman at all. There had to be a reason. This had to mean something.

“That one had everything on it. Listen—I’m not crazy, okay? I know what I—”

“You’re not?”

He had a lot of nerve. Lucy frowned at him.

“It was almost incapacitating. I felt like I had no choice but to come here, like I was in a trance. Tell me that doesn’t sound like typical mermaid pranking.”

The suggestion earned her a derogatory snort. “Pranking’s not the right word, boot. And what you’re describing isn’t possible. I didn’t sing to you.”

Lucy opened her mouth. She wanted to insist, but she didn’t know what to say to him—didn’t really have the authority to speak—not when she knew so little about what he was. “But, isn’t it possible?”

“It’s not what happened. I never—”

“How else can you explain the way it’s affecting me?”

“I already told you. It’s just your imagination.”

Accepting that didn’t feel right. Lucy’s frown deepened into a scowl. “I don’t believe you.”

“Of all things you’re not believing—”

“I got you a burger.”

“And I saved your life.”

For a tense moment, they stared each other down. He had a scary stare. He had stony TO energy. Lucy would hate him and his judgy presumptuousness if he was her TO. Did he come all this way just to give her a hard time? 

Whatever the case, her refusal to back down must have earned her a point or two, because when she turned the scowl to a glare, his expression softened a fraction.

“Okay.” He sighed, still looking annoyed. “Okay—maybe something slipped out—”

“What does that mean?”

“I didn’t sing to you, but a bit of it might have slipped out when you were gone, and the music is… it—it tends to find a target.”

“You put a spell on me?”

“No.” The next bite of his burger was aggressive. “If I did that, I’d have to do it on purpose.”

“So then why have I been losing sleep all week?”

“A few notes are still effective, even if they aren’t targeted. It just doesn’t strip your free will.” 

Was that the tradeoff for being rescued? Lucy supposed she could live with it if it didn't resume as soon as the merman left her sight. This could just be a small hiccup.

“...but it could?”

“I wouldn’t do that.”

It wasn’t the worst decision to trust him at his word. He did save her after all. If he wanted to harm her, there’d been plenty of unused opportunities.

“I’m sorry it happened.” He wasn’t looking at her when he said it, focused instead on clipping the parts of the burger that slipped out the back end of the bun. “It’s been a while since I’ve talked to a—human.”

Not a condemnable confession. Humans could suck. Probably to him especially, if the state of the marina was any judge. He’d taken a big risk by pulling her out of the water, by letting her see him, and Lucy wasn’t too violated by the music to hold a grudge in light of that. She set the rest of her burger aside and scrubbed her hands with a napkin.

“Um, I never did thank you for what you did.”

He raised an eyebrow. “For saving your life?”

“Thank you.”

His mouth twitched, halfway between bemused and pleased. “Don’t mention it.”

Yep, this was the single weirdest thing Lucy had ever experienced. She wasn’t tired enough to start hallucinating, but it was a funny thought to consider. For now, he’d have to be her own personal weird secret. 

“So,” She drew her knees up and laced her fingers at her ankles. “I’m uh, I’m Lucy.”

“Okay.”

“If you want to be friends, I need to know your name.”

He rolled his eyes with practiced, professional precision. She could see the exaggerated sigh pull his shoulders back. “It’s Tim.” He said, after a prolonged stint of grumbling.

“Oh—okay. That’s uh, nice.” Lucy would never admit to having expected something like Triton. Or Valdimar, or Proteus, or Neptune. Or some other merman-sounding name. Tim was so… normal. Tim was just A Guy.

Lucy ignored the amusement gleaming in his pretty predator eyes and stuck her hand straight out. “Nice to meet you, Tim.”

His grip was warm.

[inkykeiji]

I was rereading tag youre it and when tomura asks why dabi is acting so paranoid and if he was on something and Dabi gets defensive and says he doesn’t do that anymore and it made me think, obviously Dabi had experience with addicts (like his mom) and it is shown when he has to explain rock bottom and what gets it really through an addicts mind to reader. But did Dabi have a rock bottom moment with whatever he was taking at that time or was he just speaking from experience with his mom? If he did what was his rock bottom moment?

anon what a brilliant question!!!

tw: drugs

okay, so! when it comes to tag dabi’s drug use, it was almost exclusively cocaine (maybe some party drugs like ecstasy or psychedelics on occasion but his drug of choice when having a good time was cocaine) and he was an entirely casual user, meaning he was not dependent on the drug in any sense of the word (so not mentally or physically) and his use was extremely sporadic + entirely for fun. as such, he technically wasn’t ever an addict, so he never had any need to hit rock bottom because he was able to halt his use entirely on his own and with extreme ease. so to answer your question, he is speaking from both his experiences with his mother and his experiences with addicts in general due to the nature of his job. he knows how they think, how they behave, how addiction is a sickness that fundamentally decays their brains, and what has to happen for the majority of them to even consider getting better.

i’d say that most of his knowledge comes from his time in the underground as a dealer, but his mom definitely plays a part and had a huge impact, too. the reason why he brings up his mother and her addiction is to show reader that he does get it; in fact, he might even get it more than she does, because his mother hit rock bottom in such a gruesome and horrific and dangerous way, in a way that was much worse than what he thought/asusmed keigo’s rock bottom would be (losing his lil sister) because she hurt her children in more ways than one—or, at least, that’s the narrative dabi’s pushing.

his mom he hasn’t seen since he left home at 13, but he knows she was slated to be in the psych ward for a long, long time. his mother’s situation is a little different than keigo’s, though; rei’s drug use heavily exacerbates her pre-existing mental illness, and rei turned to drugs initially to escape. rei definitely hits some sort of rock bottom, obv, and rock bottom looks different for everyone, but the biggest similarity there (and what dabi was trying to get at) is that he knows what it feels like to love an addict, and he knows how unbelievably painful and devastating it can be.

fun fact! the full sentence that tomura cuts off is actually “i haven’t been high since i started seeing [reader].” reader has no idea that dabi used to do drugs recreationally, and would probably have some choice words for him about his hypocrisy if she did know, irregardless of the fact that he wasn’t a full-blown addict (which, to him, is a crucial distinction). it almost begs the question of whether dabi gave up recreational use because he genuinely did not want her to have another addict in her life, or if he gave it up purely to give himself the metaphorical moral high ground,,, or some odd mixture of both,,,,,

[juliedrawz]

🌼 Big Info/Update on my "Coco" Book 🌼

So it's almost been a year ...

Wow! What a journey so far! I wanted to take my time to talk to you "every dear one of you who loves my art and follows me" for a bit. Now, this will be a long post so keep that in mind!

I cannot remember a year in which I went through so many changes. I grew a lot mentally and I learned a lot. When I first watched Coco, I didn't know at all what kind of impact it will have on me. I know it did for a whole lot many more than just me. It's not just a movie, it's something that moved my heart in depths I cannot explain. Look, the only movie franchise who ever was able to impact me that deeply was Lord of the Rings/Hobbit, but then Coco came along and well ... Héctor! ... and Ernesto.

But talking about Héctor in every little detail possible is planned for another post. There is so much! And Ernesto even more. Ernesto is actually (has actually) been my biggest surprise this year 🤯 And let me tell you why for a little because this is a important part of this whole post!

Villains. We all know what a villain is. When I first saw Ernesto, I was instantly drawn to his charmful personality. I love mexico! I love mexicans, (they happen to be one of the funniest, kindest and most temperamental ones I ever came across and they understand how to celebrate life and death!) At first, we only see what Ernesto can do without knowing anything just yet. I was blown! Let me get this down, he's a musícan with a inrcedible voice (I have an opera education background so I connect to his trained voice), he's a actor, a showman, he's a phenomenal horseback rider and he's handsome! I don't need to tell you about the punch in the guts you end up having later!

Oh, yes! Something I would say! Seriously! I do act like that whenever I am burning for something! *cough* snowflakes quite recently! It was late and my boss only had 1 client left and it started snowing big flakes and I went full child excited mood "think Ernesto and fireworks" until they hit me with their "Augh, snow! Cold, wet, annoying!" And then I literally turned into this cinematic drama queen telling them about nostalgia and the spirit of christmas! *laugh* Their faces 😆 Bah humbug! Truly!

Can you imagine Ernesto in the role of Ebenezer Scrooge? I can! 😆 Héctor, Ceci and Imelda as the 3 spirits of christmas. Yes sir! I want that for christmas! *cough* aaand I'm rambling! I was talking about my book ... yes ... back to that!

Anyway! Moving on! I've told you before that as an INFP personality it's in my nature anyway to think and feel myself deeper into things (whatever they are) and I need about 2 or 3 rows to analyze and solidifying my opinion. That's what happened with Ernesto. Yes, at first I was "heck this guy!" Mildly said, I did not like Ernesto. One. Bit. I was mad and I, for the first few moments, labled him as a villain too! But then I rewatched and rewatched and rewatched Coco and I analyzed Ernesto. And after I went "wait a dang minute!" I realized, no, this man is certainly not your typical "Bad guy!" And after my Dad "an ex-soldier and chef prison guard" confirmed my analysis, I started researching and studying on human behavior, trauma (PTSD) and especially psyche! Now, I wanted to do this anyway because of Héctor and Imelda but it played into my hands with Ernesto. But it also flipped my whole opinion of him. It is a canon fact, that Héctor and Ernesto grew up together and were like brothers to each other and I had the statement, that Ernesto isn't proud of what he's done. Oh boy did that flip tables for me! Because guess what! A true villian is evil, period. You don't go thinking about any redemption because they are that far gone! And a truly rotten, evil soul does not regret their actions or deeds, they are perfectly fine and content with them. I would love to share my whole Sherlock Holmes 🔎 action I did on Ernesto with you but I can't because that would def. spoil everything that is to come!

Ok, this whole Ernesto case has changed and impacted my book! And not only that. The longer I wrote, I got back my grammar and writing skills (after not truly writing for years!) I improved and only after months and then going back to the first half of my book, I realized that many things weren't the way I wanted them anymore. The plot was now solid (wasn't at first) some age/timeline aspects changed! I tweaked some things! Grammar too. And that means I will need to go over my whole first bunch of chapters eventually!

Now I really know where my book is heading! From beginning to end! I now have the silver lining! That also means, the Title of my book has changed! But I will change it in time, not just yet!

The thing with Ceci 👓

Honestly, when I first included Ceci in my book, I, just like with many things, as I mentioned, had no idea what to do with her! I knew I wanted her in, because of that one scene! She instantly had me with her sassy attitude. And since it was pretty clear that she and Héctor knew each other and that she's been helping him not only once, I knew that there had to be a connection. And so I went with it. But that was still raw and not well thought through. That came fairly quickly though! And by now, Ceci is, next to Imelda one of the main characters! She plays a big role and she will be very important for the future!

My Book - Not just any other Fanfic

I know that everyone has their own opinion, view of things and headcanons. This is mine! But while it is my headcanon, I had the goal from the moment I sat down and decided "I'm going to do this!" To make my book feel as canon as possible. I knew I didn't just want to create yet another "great" fanfiction, I wanted to create something that is way more than just that. Something that could give huge Coco fans like me something back. Something that has an impact, something that shares what I have in my heart at least a little! I wanted to do something that hasn't been done before! And for once, I dedicated myself to it, no matter how long it will take, I will finish it! Oof, didn't that sound like something Héctor would say?

This thing has become my baby! 😂

I wanted to stay "true" to each character, stay in line and make readers go "yep, that's how it all happened" I wanted the characters to stay real and authentic. I didn't want to change them or make them do things that would fall out of their character. I knew I wanted my book to circle around Héctor mainly but the longer I worked on it, the more I understood that Ernesto, Ceci and Imelda are just as much of a part of Héctor! And developing their story, they became a huge part.

I wanted and still want to bring emotions across as if you'd feel them! I also knew and now I know even more, that my book is "in no way" for children! It is in everyway for us adults, for teens at least! Because I go deeper and touch on topics that are scary, painful, harsh and dark. You'll see that even more in chapters to come!

Conclusion ❗️

Since it's a real book I am working on, I realized that it is pretty normal that some chapters take weeks, sometimes even months to write. I understood that it's ok to take my time! And if it ends up taking me 2 or 3 years to finish it. I stopped feeling guilty when I cannot post new content fast enough because it just takes a lot of time and effort. And besides my passions, life happens and continues. Work happens to be exhausting sometimes, not all weekends end up being a free-time for me. And there are family gatherings, normal things to do, as plain as grocery shopping. And recently, christmas. But I appreciate every time I get to work on my book and my art!

-

So, yes, I had to get to this conclution on my own. While it is clear for others. And that has everything to do with my personality. I love pleasing people and making people happy. And by all means, I love love love what I do! If I could I would double my arms and work on more tings faster! Sometimes I wish I could stay home and work on my hobbies only but that isn't going to happen for me.

So at that point. I want to say "Thank you!" AGAIN! For all you guys who have been sticking around so far! For all the kind words! I hope you'll stick around for the next year/years to come and keep Coco alive!

🌼 Coco is timeless 🌼

It is so much more than just bringing across a deep important message! It has earned itself a very special place in my heart! It has caused me to pick up writing again, and it made me pick up my guitar and finally learn it! I will finish telling Héctor's story! And Ernesto's along with it! And I am no longer scared if some might end up hating it or calling me crazy for it! Because, like Héctor said, then I am, un poco loco! And I want to be nothing else!

[haleigh-sloth]

Just so you know, the doctor hinted that there was more to Dabis quirk a few chapters ago. Not to mention that Touya has ALOT of Ice Resistance so we're not sure if that move impacted him or not. That's not even to mention if they are even fighting the REAL Dabi (It could be a clone as none of the league are fond of AFO and probably ditched him with fakes). We've only seen all of this from the hero side. The last time that happened in the PLF war arc that ended in disaster. I don't think Dabi will go down that easily.( Also I read from another blog 2 weeks ago that this is the classic trope of Sealed evil in a Can which would result in Dabi breaking free).

*Horikoshi is known for his foreshadowing, I don't think he'll pull that Ujiko warning panel and leave it for nothing considering even he, the predictor of the Quirk Singularity Theory, has no clue what Dabi's Quirk actually is

I mean I agree that there is foreshadowing that there more to it. I’ve gone back and forth on it a LOT.

At first I was like “no way”, then I was like “YES”, then rinse repeat. Right now, I’m sold on it. I WANT there to be something left unseen.

I’m gonna go ahead and say I hardcore reject the clone theory because…there’s no point. Literally none.

I don’t see any evidence of that tbh, and along with that Touya isn’t about to put his plans aside to run off with the League. Shig literally could not run off even if he wanted to (plus he’s pretty brainwashed right now), Spinner JUST devoted himself to doing AFO’s bidding for Shigaraki’s sake, and Toga obviously still has Jin’s blood and hasn’t used it yet. If they were all clones then literally what is the point of any of these chapters or this fight…lol. I don’t see us going backwards anymore, this is one of the biggest moments in Shouto’s arc and to take it away with a “psych-gotcha” moment is just, yikes. Bad writing imo. All emotional impact flies out the window.

Also Touya’s clone would have turned to ash already.

I also don’t agree that this is only from the heroes’ POV. We literally JUST got into Touya’s head. His character went from some mysterious enigma to a seriously nuanced, layered, fleshed out character. This is Touya’s POV too. But aside from that Shouto is the main character of the Todoroki plot, so of course he’ll be the main narrator here. But imo it’s been pretty evenly split between the two brothers.

I’m sorry I’m just gonna hard pass on the clone theory! I can’t get behind it, I don’t buy it at all, I also really don’t like it 💀

But—there being a hidden component to the quirk is something I’m gonna believe for now. For the reasons you stated and also because of this.

[a-mended-pact]

Unsteady Keys: Chapter 6

Authors notes: This chapter is really short. I wasn't overly sure if this was a good stopping point or not for it. I also will not be posting the next couple of chapters for sometime. My messages and asks are always open.

Word count: 2,192

Part 5 Part 7

Warnings: I can't think of any for this exact chapter. If there is any please inform me.

Requests are open

I think her vision finally cleared because with the way her eyes flickered between Ethan and I. I knew one of us was in for a rude awakening and I certainly knew it wasn't me.

She moved before I could stop her and I winced at the impact of her palm to his face.  The sound of it echoed off the walls in the seemingly abandoned office. My wife wasn't thinking like a federal agent and how that just crossed too many lines. She was thinking as herself and that probably wasn't a good thing.

'He trusted you! He invited you to our wedding and you were involved in kidnapping him!?! I can't believe this! You bastard! Why are you not in a holding cell?! Better yet, why are you not in an interrogation room!?' She was vibrating in my grasp as her voice got louder and louder. She was no longer filled with the overwhelming emotions she was dealing with earlier; she's now just one big bundle of rage.

I should be trying to stop her. I really should but it was so rare when she let her emotions get the better of her that I didn't wanna stop her. I was sorta enjoying it. That is until she turned to me and glared. 

She shook with anger as she looked at me. Like a small puppy trying to hold in a bark. The longer she stared the more she shaked. She was trying to control herself. One of her rules that she made of her own choice was that she'd never yell at me. I told her how preposterous that was. Sometimes I deserve to get yelled at. 

The rule was made due to past trauma of hers that definitely doesn't need to be brought up or discussed in front of Ethan.  He didn't need anymore ammo to use against us. I'm not sure that he would but I couldn't take any chances.  Not anymore then I already have anyway.

I had enough time to catch Ethan's gaze before I watched my wife storm out of Morgan's old office.

-----------------

I paced around the bullpen until Tara told me if I didn't stop I was gonna leave a tread mark in the carpet.  I couldn't help but laugh. I sounded exhausted. I felt dead on my feet but I couldn't close my eyes. I knew that if I did all I would see was Spencer being hurt and tortured.  Me being right there only to have him look at me like I meant nothing to him. Like I was nothing.  Maybe I was but right now wasn't the time to dwell on that thought. 

I looked at her and then at the board of all the victims.  'Do you think it's possible that what Reid said is true? That Ethan didn't have a choice? That Ethan isn't fully in on it? They were kidnapping and killing victims that look like me for Christ sake.' I turned away from the board and through my hands up in frustration before I let them fall to my sides. 'Is Lindsey Vaughn even in on this? We have an eye witness identifying Ethan and here he is walking about as a free man. All because he has Genius in there believing he is innocent!' I could feel my aggravation getting the better of me again.

My palm still stung from the slap I gave him earlier.  I knew it wasn't protocol but I didn't care. He deserved it. All I wanted to do was scream. It wasn't fair. God I needed to sleep. I glanced at the analog clock on the wall. I've officially been up for 4 days now. Which honestly wasn't anything overly new. If I didn't take my medication regularly even without everything going in sleep would still eluded me. Insomnia is definitely a cunt. My mind never knew how to shut off.  Playing records of things I didn't want to see or hear. It had been 4 days since a proper meal. I began to wonder when someone would notice and tell Emily to send me home. 

A part of me hoped someone did another part just wanted to close this case and arrest all those involved. I was sick of Cat always having the upper hand on us in this case. I ran my hands over my face and sighed. I think it's time for a wake up call for our sleeping kitten.

____________________

When I came into view of Cat Adam's I saw that Spencer was already in there grilling her about what she'd done to Ethan.  Asking if Lindsey was the true unsub all along. He was making assumptions completely based off the fact that he knew Ethan. I understood truly I did but he was being biased he can't seriously excuse that his college friend was a kidnapper. Whether being manipulated and played like a puppet on strings he was still a kidnapper and the victims deserved proper justice. 

'So you're telling me that you're not the one behind this really Cathrine? I doubt that. I really do. He has photos of me in Mexico.  Drugged laying next to Nadie Ramos dead! Don't tell me you had nothing to do with this and it was all just Lindsey!' His voice was nearly ruptured the speaker when I turned it on. He was so loud. He was so angry that I myself flinched. I don't see how she could just sit there looking at him unfazed as if this was normal for him.

I watched as she leaned forward making herself look like a viper ready to strike. 

'Spencie If I knew Ethan being evolved would have you so worked up I would have done it sooner.' She smiled at him. 'I however did not plan on you being taken. You being apart of it like that wasn't part of the plan.' She leaned her head on her hand.  That's when I realized he had taken off her restraints.  What was he doing?

'My only goal was to make you squirm in discomfort as your precious wife went missing. With the chance of her being another victim on the side of the road. Ya know I don't go for the throat Baby boy.  I go for the mind.' She laughed as she swiped his hair out of his face. He let her. 

----------

I was furious with everything that had happened.  Ethan being evolved I almost through me off the edge. Then her saying that the goal was for it to be Y/n and not me made me see red. I needed to remind myself that I needed to remain calm. If I didn't I wouldn't get anything out of her besides her lust filled obsession of me being angry with her. 

To be honest I did think about playing into her desire for me. It would have been an easy choice. A simple one. I could have gotten away with it if it wasn't for the fact that my wife was already upset with me. 

I didn't mean to do it but I did end up leaning into Cat's touch when she moved my hair out of my face. I was disgusted with myself.  I was a better man than this. Yet here I was mesmerized by her eyes as they watched me with the curiosity of a wolf preying on sheep. Only I was a wolf in sheep's clothing.  

How easy it would be to deduce Cat Adams into nothing but statistics and profiling. She wanted to have me squirm in misery but It would be so easy to have her broken and on her knees for me.

I pulled away immediately once I realized what I had done. 'You are threatening a federal agent not to mention you are an accomplice to what happened. Even if I wasn't the target. You still knew who took me and who else was involved and you still chose silence. '

A smirk formed on my face as I moved my chair closer to her. Pulling it around the metal table and on her side of it. I leaned in really close to her ear. To be fair I had no idea if anyone was watching or listening but I wasn't about to take anymore chances. 

I gently moved her hair behind her ear as I leaned in closer to whisper. 'If anything would have happened to my wife or Ethan I would certainly be the one in an orange jumpsuit.' My hand slipped up to her throat not squeezing hard but with enough pressure to remind her of the time I had been this close to her last. 'I would watch the life drain from you and sleep well. I know how much you love when people see the resemblance between you and I.' My hand tightened before I slung it off her with such force she wobbled a little in her chair. 

Cat watched me with her pupils dilated as she gently caressed the redding skin where my hand had been. 'If I didn't know any better Spencie I think you just like touching me.' The way she panted as she watched me made my skin crawl. I hated myself for thinking she was such an attractive specimen of a human being. Her mind intrigued me more than anyone I have ever met.

I wanted to pick apart her psyche. I wanted to know what made her tick. Besides her abandonment issues and lack of empathy because she was never shown any kindness a day in her life. Even if she was shown some form of kindness I'm sure she didn't know what to do with it. She probably shut herself down from it. Most likely abused by someone in her life. She was just like every other unsub so why did I crave her so much more.

I couldn't figure out my attraction to her after all these years. Sure she held a very natural beauty to her but she was nothing compare to Y/n who could strut around her hair a mess and stains on her clothes and still pull me in as if she were the gravity holding me to this earth.

I realized then one of my biggest mistakes of the last few days as my wife walked in leaning herself against the wall with her arms crossed. I could tell the moment I walked into the bureau that she hadn't been sleeping. I also knew from her mental state that she in fact hadn't been taking her medication.  

I sighed more at myself than to her. 'Love you shouldn't be in here. If anything you should be at home resting and taking care of yourself.' I turned to lock eyes with her only she wasn't looking at me. She was looking at Cat Adams. 

'You know it's been a couple of hours since you and I spoke. I was hoping you'd be willing to share some info but I see you've been busy.' As she spoke her eyes never left Cat. 

I was surprised to watch the manipulative woman squirm under anyone's gaze. 'So here's the thing Catherine. I'm done playing nice and pretending like I'm not steps ahead of you already.' 

My wife strutted to her, swaying her hips from side to side in a confident manner.  I was intrigued by what she meant but chose to keep my lips sealed. 'The truth is. You lost control over Lindsey the moment you didn't want to hurt your precious Spencie and she didn't like that fact. She was in love with you and you betrayed her by trying to keep the federal agent she hated safe. The moment you brought Ethan in and had him take women that looked like me was the moment you fully and completely lost control over her. By then she knew you would never truly hurt or kill Spencer because rather you understand it or not the desire you have was never to kill him. All you want is his precious attention to never leave you. Simply because you’ve never had anyone show you their undivided focus until he showed up.’ My eyes widened. I kept my head down as I listened. Clearly my wife was done playing by the original rules of Cat’s game. It was always mental but right now my wife was aiming for the verbal killing strike. I glanced up and I could see her eyes hold unshed tears as she sneered at Y/n.

‘It’s funny that you don’t even understand the reasoning you are so infatuated with the idea of Reid. You've never had a man show you attention that didn't want to use you. Spencer came into your life showing you with respect and you didn't know how to handle it because you didn't know what that felt like. It's a shame really. ' 

Y/n kept her face calm but I could see the blood dripping from her palms as her nails dug into them. She was deeply upset right now. I doubt she even noticed she was doing it.

Taglist:

@sassymoon @rainsong01 @onlyhereforthefanfics @itsdars

[liighty]

Serious BNHA Ch. 290 spoilers WOOOOOOOOO

Okay let’s start from the beginning because this chapter was just

a LOT to take in

(Edit so there’s a cut yeah yeah spoilers under the cut there’s a LOT to take in WOOOOOOOOOOOOO)

I know everybody was about 99.999999% certain that Dabi was Toya already but the way this chapter was executed was beautiful. I got literal chills, even though I was already pretty sure it was gonna go down this way anyways, and it’s all due to Horikoshi using pre-existing details revolving the Todoroki saga in the big reveal. It’s kind of sad that he got some hate about dragging it out so long, because I honestly feel like if he didn’t do it this way it wouldn’t have been as impactful.

ANYWAYS, analysis time WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

The chapter starts off in the hospital that Rei Todoroki’s been admitted in for the past 8 years or so. We hear from the staff that the TV needs to be cut, and that she’s close to discharge. On her windowsill sits her favorite flowers, the same flowers that she had said Enji had dropped off for her way back during the Hooded Nomu incident. We’ve known that Rei was going to be discharged soon since Chapter 259, and some significant time has passed since then, and just- she still has the flowers, so Enji’s probably stopped by recently.

Now imagine being this woman for a second: Not only is she the victim of psychological and physical abuse, but she’s also the mother of a (up until now) considered deceased son and the reason her youngest son has a massive scar on her face. To say that her psyche is fragile would be an understatement. 

She’s getting better enough to be able to return to the real world, but that doesn’t mean something earth-shattering could push her progress back.

And that’s exactly what happens.

Rei’s regularly scheduled TV program (Quick note: She didn’t have access to the television during the Hooded Nomu fight, so the fact that she has it now shows that she’s been making considerable progress) is interrupted by a man sitting on a chair. He looks up, and it immediately registers:

That’s her son.

More specifically, that’s the son she thought had DIED years ago. If this doesn’t break her I honest to god don’t know what will.

Moving on.

We get this fantastic shot of the destruction this war has caused, but other than that the shigaraki shit isn’t anything we didn’t know already

Shiggy’s hurt, AFO’s telling him to retreat, and he almost gets his ass handed to him by Nejire and Shoto (MAN Nejire got the chance to actually do something this chapter but noooooo stupid Gigantomachia >:(( )

Despite my disappointment, there were some awesome Nejire bits so I’m not complaining THAT much.

Also not that it matters but I love how both of them use their first names as their hero names LOL Anywho, we get a status update on Iida and Bakugo; Bakugo’s stable enough to speak but is probably gonna experience major setbacks if he doesn’t get help soon, and Iida’s trying his best to help his pals

THEN WE GET TO THE MEAT OF THE CHAPTER

Aaaaalso friendly reminder that Enji asks Shoto if he’s okay; The man DOES care, he’s just really bad at showing it.

We get a flashback to the panel of Enji waaay back during the Provisional Licensing Retake thingamabobber exam(? I think i don’t really remember correct me if i’m wrong) Where his character arc reaaly started to take off

Then we get THIS lovely interaction, in which Dabi addresses Shoto by name. Enji, not really recognizing him (more on that later) sees him and calls him out, causing Dabi to retaliate. He splashes some liquid on his hair (not sure if it’s bleach or just water i’m actually stupid man idk) and thus, the big reveal is set.

Followed immediately after by side-by-side panels of father and son

I don’t know if I’m just overthinking things but like- Scars are in the same area, really reminded me of this LOL

Anyways, we get to see this heart wrenching image of Rei Todoroki’s world falling apart for the second time.

We then get to see the destruction this fight has caused AGAIN, but in the perspective of other people. 

Not gonna show the hand since WOOOOOO that was sad; A friend pointed out that the woman in the left panel has a similar body shape and hair cut as Inko Midoriya, and she could be standing in the rubble of her apartment (also note that she’s crying; something we see Inko do A LOT). I’m not going to make any assumptions just throwin’ it out there

Then there’s THIS

THE BEST PANEL IN THE ENTIRE FUCKING CHAPTER

Cantcha See Kid, one of the most influential reasons why Endeavor’s popularity was able to skyrocket, sits with his friend in horror as he watches this news. His view of the Number One Hero has crumbled, and he’s supposedly Endeavor’s biggest fan. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Foreshadowing at it’s finest, kiddos. Honest to god, things are gonna get really bad once this blows over. Endeavor, known child abuser and creator of the mass murderer Dabi? Nobody would let him remain in the number one spot.

Toya flat out SAYS IT.

The message is clear: ‘All those people I killed would have lived to go home to their families if my father had been kinder.’

Toya dives deeper into his backstory, yadiyada, nothing you probably haven’t seen already; What I REALLY want to get into is this panel right here:

“A dance with your son, here in hell.”

Most readers probably just read this as a ‘oh wow he’s really mad and that makes sense wow’, but it’s actually a callback to what Natsuo said to Enji once Toya was first properly introduced.

Natsu blames his father for Toya’s death and says he’ll never forgive him, prompting this scene:

“It’ll be a cold day in hell before I forgive you.”

I don’t know I’m probably overthinking things but like HOLY SHIT MAN

Also this

don’t know if you noticed it but All Might’s on his way :’))

TLDR: I love Horikoshi’s writing so much like jesus christ i’m crying god this chapter gave me all the feels

[recentanimenews]

FEATURE: How the 2011 Tohoku Earthquake and Tsunami Influenced Anime Over the Past Decade

Image via Netflix

  In a single moment, everything changed; after one great shake of the earth, the world was never the same again. Today marks the 10th anniversary of the 2011 Tohoku earthquake and tsunami, also known as 3.11 in Japan. At a magnitude of 9.0, it was the biggest earthquake to ever hit the island. The earthquake, and the subsequent tsunami that followed, also killed an estimated 15,899, injured 6,157, and was the most expensive natural disaster in history. The meltdown of the Fukushima Daini Nuclear Power Plant followed — rendering parts of Japan uninhabitable to this day — with many still unable to go back to their home even ten years on.

  The shaking was felt all the way in Tokyo and beyond, leaving physical scars on the world’s biggest metropolitan area. This was nothing compared to the devastation seen in the prefectures of Miyagi, Fukushima, and Iwate. For those who lived through the event, whether that be in Tohoku or Tokyo, the feelings of that day have left psychological scars that have influenced their daily lives. 

  Image via Netflix

  Aftershocks from the seismic event can still be felt even today: a magnitude 7.3 earthquake hit the region a little under a month ago, raising fears that another big quake could shake Japan at any time in the near future. 

  For creators living in Japan, these overwhelming emotions have manifested in their works. Creators such as Hayao Miyazaki, Masaaki Yuasa, Hideaki Anno, and Makoto Shinkai have internalized the events that transpired in their backyard and used 3.11 to help spread awareness, unravel some of the hanging threads, or even try and bring hope and happiness to fans. 

  Hayao Miyazaki looking at the debris leftover from 3.11 in an NHK documentary 

Image via NHK

  Hayao Miyazaki isn’t one to mince words and always just gets on with the job. A few weeks after 3.11, the Studio Ghibli director introduced his son’s latest work at the time, From Up on Poppy Hill. While Miyazaki tried to keep the press focused on the film, inevitably the topic of the tragedy from two weeks ago arose. Responding to why he felt it was okay to hold a press conference after the earthquake, Miyazaki spoke about his local bakery, explaining that “the old man at the bakery where I always buy dumplings and sweets has continued to make bread. That's why I think we should keep making movies.”

  At the time, Miyazaki dismissed the thought that 3.11 would affect how he made his next work. But in a 2013 interview with Jiji upon the release of his then “final work” The Wind Rises, the director said the film “has not been affected by the earthquake or the nuclear accident. [The idea] was there from the beginning. I think that the times have caught up with us and overtaken us.” The Wind Rises contains a very realistic – almost chilling – interpretation of the 1923 Great Kanto earthquake.

  The earthquake scene from The Wind Rises

  For Japan Sinks 2020, Masaaki Yuasa used some of his own experiences to highlight how characters would be feeling in the moment. In multiple scenes, the main characters are left worrying about what is going on without a clear line of communication – in fact, sometimes getting misinformation from sources not fully aware of the situation. 

  Yuasa himself explained in an interview in AnimeAnime that he felt like he didn’t know what was the “correct information” when he felt the quake in Tokyo in 2011. As he looked for information online, he heard rumors that Tokyo was in imminent danger. He was scared. Reflecting, Yuasa knew in his “heart” that he wasn’t as scared as those in the Tohoku region, but was “horrified” by what he saw on the news. Yuasa used a lot of those emotions he felt at the time to aid in telling the Japan Sinks 2020 story.

  Image via Netflix

  But it wasn’t just anime creators who were affected by 3.11. The 8th part of the JoJo's Bizarre Adventure manga series, JoJolion, debuted only a few months after the quake in 2011. Set in a town called Morioh (similar to the town in Diamond is Unbreakable), the location is based on manga creator Hirohiko Araki’s hometown of Sendai. The manga was being conceptualized when the earthquake occurred and Araki felt that he “couldn't avoid” touching on the subject in the series, he said in an Asashi Shimbun interview in 2014.

  Araki’s family home, which had been around for 14 generations, was also swept away in the tsunami. He added that was shocked at the loss of his childhood home and felt that he should draw manga to bring entertainment to readers and fans.

  Araki wasn’t the only manga creator to touch on the events of 3.11 in their long-running series. Tetsu Kariya’s long-running series Oshinbo touched on some controversial aspects of the aftermath of the tragedy, with one of the characters in the series suffering from a nosebleed after being in the town of Futaba – a town that is still not open to the public.

  This caused an outcry with government officials on the national and prefectural level, with Prime Minister Shinzo Abe saying that “the government will make the best effort to take action against baseless rumors” in reference to the manga. These protests saw the collected volume version of the arc change some of the wording slightly as to “clarify the intention of what was said," and that "some of the characters' lines have been altered.” The series has been on hiatus after the arc ended two chapters later in May 2014.

  Image via Netflix

  The Japanese government was also at the forefront of Hideaki Anno’s 2016 film Shin Godzilla, with many reviewers noting the similarities between the government in the film and what had occurred in the aftermath of 3.11. As Godzilla walks the neighborhoods of Kanagawa, waters rise, boats come ashore, and people are fleeing en-masse, meanwhile, the government is claiming that everything will be okay.

  This sharp social satire of the events may be skin deep as the film goes on, but exposes the fact that Japan has a recent event that is very real and emotive to reference. Shin Godzilla Producer Akihiro Yamauchi explained in a 2016 Nippon.com interview that 3.11 “changed Japan more than anything else in the past 12 years.” He went on to say that the film had the option of “escaping into fantasy...but Anno-san and I talked it over and we both agreed that an approach like that would be meaningless.” 

  Image via Netflix

  Makoto Shinkai’s 2016 movie Your Name, was directly influenced by the 2011 earthquake and the change in the psyche of the Japanese people. Taki, the male protagonist, at one moment in the movie says “You will never know when Tokyo could become like this,” vocalizing the fear that festers away in many people living in Japan. 

  Genki Kawamura, a producer on both Your Name and Weathering with You, explained at a discussion at the Aoyama Shachu think tank in 2019 that “Your Name is aware of the Great East Japan earthquake.” Shinkai later explained in a 2017 interview with Huffington Post Japan that the disaster aspect of Your Name is only the underlying layer of the film, and the film had to end the way it did for it to feel complete to both him and the audience.

  In a 2018 Makoto Shinkai Exhibition in Sendai, the first prototype sketch drawn of Your Name by Shinkai was shown to the public. It depicted the area of Yuriage in Natori City, Miyagi prefecture, which was completely wiped out in the tsunami. The population of the area only had 30 minutes to evacuate before waters overtook the town. There weren’t many survivors.

  Image via Asahi Shimbun

  Shinkai visited the area of Yuriage in July 2011 and drew the sketch shortly after, which later became the springboard for what then became Your Name. He said solemnly in a TBS program “This could have been my town.” 

  Shinkai explained in the Huffington Post interview that 3.11 changed the way people in Japan thought about the world. "Before they’d think that “somehow...Japanese society will continue as it is," he said. "But since 2011, I think that idea has collapsed. The town does not remain a town forever.” 

  Because of this, Shinkai decided to focus on the little things that made up life: A late train, cutting up food, texting. Shinkai thought it was “necessary to draw meaning from the monotony of daily life.” Nowadays these beautifully crafted moments from Shinkai’s works are shared online as some sort of social media anime ASMR. 

  In the end, Shinkai’s main driving factor for the film was to make the audience “happy.” And it struck a chord with a wide audience, as the film would later go on to become the third highest-grossing anime film of all time worldwide.

  Image via Netflix

  As we look back at how one event changed the world view of many, it’s good to know that despite the hardships faced in the unexpected, the desire to create and bring smiles to audiences perseveres. Many creators have used 3.11 as a chance to reflect, and it's only to be seen how the long tail of 3.11 continues to impact creators and their works.   

  The Tohoku region is still feeling the effects of the 2011 Tohoku earthquake and tsunami, with families torn apart and homes unable to be returned to. Japan NPO Center has a website set up with ways to donate to local charities and not-for-profit organizations within the Tohoku region that has been set up to serve affected communities.

    Daryl Harding is a Japan Correspondent for Crunchyroll News. He also runs a YouTube channel about Japan stuff called TheDoctorDazza, tweets at @DoctorDazza, and posts photos of his travels on Instagram. 

  Do you love writing? Do you love anime? If you have an idea for a features story, pitch it to Crunchyroll Features.

By: Daryl Harding

[fuckyeahprodigalson]

Although Prodigal Son was one of many series to shut down production over coronavirus concerns, Monday’s episode actually was the intended finale, due to the order in which episodes were filmed; Episodes 19 and 20, however, could not be completed. Below, series co-creators Chris Fedak and Sam Sklaver discuss how the season was impacted by those lost episodes, as well as how that Ainsley twist would play out in Season 2.

TVLINE | This production shutdown put you in an interesting place, given that you were able to film your intended finale but had to scrap Episodes 19 and 20. Did losing those two hours force you to change the episodes that did air? CHRIS FEDAK | Everything was changing very quickly in that last week before production went down. As Sam and I were looking at the situation in New York, we got the very strong impression that we’d be shutting down, and we’d be shutting down for a while. What we did was, we quickly rewrote Episodes 19 and 20 — and those episodes are fantastic, we hope to come back to them at some point — and we turned them into two scenes that became the first two scenes of Episode 21. Essentially, we scrapped those two episodes, and we linked the end of Episode 18 to the beginning of Episode 21. SAM SKLAVER | We were hoping to tell a five-episode story with [Nicholas Endicott]. We would meet him in Episode 18, as we did, and he was a very lovely character, and he was a romantic interest to Jessica. And he would remain a romantic interest for a while, and then we would realize that Nicholas Endicott was a monster. We had a much longer game plan with Dermot, because he’s so fabulous. We wanted to use him as much as possible, and that’s really what we had to cut short.

When we only had a few days left to shoot, we were like, “Oh, shoot, we have to turn Nicholas into a bad guy.” That was [originally] a whole episode, when they realized that. So we had to bring in Anna [Eilinsfeld], who plays Sophie, and have her say, “Nicholas Endicott is a monster.” We were very fortunate, though, in that once we realized all we had to do was turn Nicholas into a bad guy and deal with Eve’s death, somehow it could flow pretty seamlessly from Episode 18 to Episode 21, just with shooting those two scenes. We weren’t able to do everything we wanted, but we were so fortunate in that we got to end the season with the story that we had always wanted to tell since we first sold this show to Fox. It was fortunate for us, and we wouldn’t have been able to do any of this without our post-production team.

TVLINE | Outside of the Nicholas arc, were there other storylines from those two lost episodes that you’d like to fold into Season 2 somehow? FEDAK | Absolutely. We had two very good episodes that allowed us to explore two things that we’d wanted to get into from the beginning of the season: One had to do with exorcism, and the other one had to do with technology. Those were the genres that we were stepping into in those weeks. And the other thing we didn’t get to touch was watching Ainsley do her thing as an investigative reporter. We had some fun stuff that we wanted to do there. SKLAVER | And for the very niche audience who’s a fan, we had a new car for Gil. [Laughs] His LeMans got destroyed by Bright jumping out of a window in Episode 13, and we had a really great thing with Gil finally getting a new car. I know Lou Diamond Phillips was very excited about that, as well. We need to work that story back in, most importantly.

TVLINE | Tell me about the Ainsley twist in this episode. Did the idea of making her a killer come up as you outlined this finale, or had you been building toward this all season? FEDAK | It was something we were intentionally building toward. We always knew this was something we wanted to play with when we started talking about the season, in regards to Ainsley’s psychology as opposed to Bright’s. It’s also a big part of where we’re excited to go next year. SKLAVER | The story that Ainsley always told herself was that she was too young to be affected by her father, but when Chris and I started thinking about these characters, we thought there’s no way she wasn’t affected by her father. She was just dealing with it differently. So we kind of loved the misdirect that all the attention is on Bright, who is older and had a stronger relationship with his father, but of course Ainsley was also affected by it. Trying to find a way to get to that was always the plan, because Halston Sage is such a rockstar, and in exploring this central dynamic of “like father, like son,” we also wanted to see what it would do to his daughter, as well.

TVLINE | I found Martin’s “My girl!” exclamation really interesting. Should we take that to mean Ainsley will be more of the focus in Season 2? FEDAK | Ainsley is still a very big part of the show. We have a lot of fun getting into the psychology of our characters, and she’s as much a mystery now as she was at the beginning of this year. That’s something we’d like to explore, and whenever we’re breaking down our stories, we not only break down the mystery of what people do, but also the mystery of what’s happening inside their minds. It’s definitely going to be a big part of Season 2.

TVLINE | What kind of toll is this going to take on her psyche? It’s not like she seemed to relish killing Nicholas; it was almost like she came out of a fog once it was done. How will we see that manifest? FEDAK | I only want to dip my toe into the story of Season 2, but what you’re seeing in that moment is exactly what we were going for on the page. You’re seeing a very complicated reaction to a very stressful and dynamic situation, and the ramifications of that will be dealt with next year — not only for her, but also for her brother, who’s been dealing with his father for all these years and now has to try and understand his sister and what happened in that moment. But that complexity is our intention. SKLAVER | Luckily, Chris and I have never slit a man’s throat and stabbed him six times like Ainsley does. FEDAK | [Laughs] SKLAVER | But I have to imagine that it does change you. [Laughs] It’s not something you can just tuck away, or if it is something you try to tuck away, as we’ve explored throughout the season, you can’t bury ghosts and trauma. They will always come back to you. So we’re afraid, but we’re not afraid of exploring it.

TVLINE | The Girl in the Box storyline was wrapped up pretty thoroughly in this episode. Looking ahead, do you intend to tell more stories that involve Malcolm investigating his father’s past victims? FEDAK | This is a show about memory, and it’s about what happened in our pasts and how it defines us. In this season, we went back to the Girl in the Box because we were fascinated with who she was and what she meant to Bright, and also with Bright discovering that his father was a killer. There are other parts of Bright’s past that we can’t wait to get into. What was it like being a kid with your father on trial for murder? That was the biggest trial in New York in the 1990s, and that’s a place we want to explore. There are still other revelations for us to get into. SKLAVER | And Martin Whitly killed 23 people that we know of, but there could easily be more. And Martin’s own past is something that we’re very excited to get into. What was Martin’s childhood like? How does someone like Martin get made? The Girl in the Box was a very poignant story to tell because it was a connection that the two of them had, and it was some of Bright’s memories that we could explore. But going back to 1998 and before that, it’s very rich territory.

[mothman-clarice-2]

A Rant/Essay about Moira and Sigma and how they’ve changed my life

Hi so I am in a very very very good mood right now and I really want to rant about some things I love. 

As my followers may know very well by now, I LOVE Overwatch. Specifically I LOOOVE Moira and Sigma. I less so have a special interest in Overwatch and more so in those specific characters. 

Quick thing for those who don’t know, a special interest is a term used by people under the Autism spectrum to describe a subject or thing they have a very strong personal connection to. 

I have recently discovered I have Aspergers syndrome, a neurodevelopmental disorder that affects the person’s ability to socialize and causes them to have repetitive and restrictive behaviors and/or interests. Basically it’s very similar to Autism but there are some slight differences that differentiate the two that I won’t go into here because it’ll take too long, but you can research them yourself if you want to of course. 

This has been a HUGE discovery for me because I have known I was very different from other people for a long time but I had no idea why. This discovery explains EVERYTHING. I finally understand why I have such a hard time communicating with people and why I have such unusual tendencies (such as becoming hyper-fixated on things I like). This relates to my love of Moira and Sigma. 

In Overwatch, Moira O’Deorain is a brilliant Irish geneticist on the cutting edge of her field. She has made numerous revolutionary advancements in genetic technology and manipulation. She has devoted her life to her work and advancing the Human race as a species. However, she has a very dark side to her achievements. She has achieved her discoveries by disregarding all ethics and morality in her experiments. She has experimented on everything from animals to herself to even other humans. She has performed experiments on herself that have left her permanently disfigured (her right arm). She has performed experiments on people that have permanently changed their bodies in agonizing ways (Reaper). She believes that ethics are holding back scientific advancement and that they are a waste of time. Pretty horrible right? I wouldn’t blame you for calling that evil. However, you can’t say she is absolutely evil. 

Yes what she has done is horrible and she is completely morally bankrupt, but she also does what she does because she wants to help people. She does what she does because it’s for the betterment of the world. And it has made the world better! In the lore, she has made numerous revolutionary advancements in genetic technology! She is an absolute genius who is helping better the world in massive ways! But at the same time, she is hurting other people to get there. That is the epitome of complete moral ambiguity. 

And I LOVE that. 

You can’t say she’s completely good because she hurts people and disregards ethics as a waste of time. But you also can’t say she evil because she has made revolutionary scientific discoveries that could save the lives of millions. 

I love Moira not just because she is a complex character but I also relate to her on numerous levels. 

For one, she is Irish and I have a lot of Irish heritage. I adore my Irish culture and I love how she seems to be passionate about it as well given that she is fluent in Gaelic (our ancient language which is actually dying out) and she has a lot of Irish oriented stuff in the game. She has actually really caused me to get invested in my Irish heritage and learn about my culture. Another thing I relate to is that she has a great appreciation for art and is just generally pretty eccentric. She loves dressing up and cosplaying and art and music and all of these different things that I also love. 

One of the biggest reasons I relate to her though is her lack of ability to understand people’s emotions. I am a very empathetic person but at the same time I have a very hard time connecting to people. I have always had trouble interacting with people and making friends because I don’t understand how people normally communicate. From what I have seen, Moira is like that too. She doesn’t seem to really have any friends (she was sorta friends with Gabriel but that was more of a business friendship) and everyone seems to either hate her or thinks she’s creepy or weird. I headcanon that Moira is high functioning autistic because of her lack of empathy and difficulty understanding people’s emotions. 

Obviously I am not saying autistic people are unempathetic sociopathic mad scientists, far from it actually. People with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) can either be very empathetic or they can lack empathy to varying degrees on both sides. Sometimes they are just as empathetic as everybody else. Everyone under the autism spectrum is completely different. I just think Moira is one of the people who lacks empathy to a very high degree. I think Moira having autism that causes her to lack empathy is a very good explanation for her beliefs and how she behaves, not to mention it’s something I relate to. 

As for Sigma, he’s a different character entirely. 

Siebren de Kuiper (pronounced “Ki-per” with “Ki” as in “kite”) is a brilliant Dutch astrophysicist. He is known for being a very eccentric introvert with a brilliant mind and a deep, fiery passion for his work. He performed an experiment that would’ve revolutionized technology by being able to harness the power of a black hole but it went terribly wrong. The accident left him completely traumatized and his psyche destroyed. This accident also gave him the ability to control gravity but I’m not really gonna talk about that in this because it’s not really necessary. 

Sigma has a lot of anxious tendencies, for example he has numerous voice lines where he becomes anxious or panicked. He says the phrase “hold it together” many times, a phrase he uses to try and comfort himself when he feels panicked. All of these have caused me to headcanon that he has PTSD and/or some other kind of anxiety disorder (although I haven’t decided which one yet). 

I personally have struggled with generalized anxiety and social anxiety for a long time so I find myself relating to his anxiety. Something about seeing this  62 year old absolute GIANT of a man (he’s 8′1″) having anxiety and relating to me in so many ways is really comforting. 

Whenever I am sad or anxious about something, I think of Sigma and I channel my fears through him. I do that a lot actually, not just with anxiety but with other emotions as well. Whenever I am really really happy about something, I think of Sigma and Moira. Whenever I’m depressed, I think about Sigma and Moira. I channel all of my emotions through these characters by acting out scenes in my head, imagining scenarios with them, or drawing them. Sometimes when I’m sad I’ll imagine Moira and Sigma in happy scenarios to cheer myself up. 

These characters, these fictional things from a video game, have had such an important impact on me I can’t even begin to describe it. I connect with these characters so deeply and so personally. 

I found myself connecting to them mostly during quarantine. This was the time when I was the loneliest I had ever been in my life. I was the most stressed and depressed I had ever been. I had lost a close family member and two beloved pets in a very short span of time. On top of this, I had no friends. I was completely downtrodden and lost. Then I decided to start playing Overwatch again, and everything started to change. 

I fell back in love with Moira more than ever and I found a brand new love for Sigma. I felt more connected to these characters than I ever would've because I had pretty much nobody else to connect to. These characters became my strongest coping mechanism and, in a way, my imaginary friends. I channeled all of my anxieties and sadness and grief and loneliness through them. I used them to help me grieve my loved ones. At the same time, I channeled my joy and pride and passions through them. These characters give me comfort when I need it most. That is something so special I can’t even begin to describe it. I love these characters with every single fiber of my heart and soul. They have been my greatest coping mechanism in these extremely tumultuous times. They helped me find actual friends for the first time in years, friends who I have been able to relate to and who love me despite my odd quirks and behaviors.

These fictional characters, these video game models, these lines of code, they have helped me survive my darkest days and enriched my brightest moments. These characters have fundamentally changed my life. 

And I wouldn’t trade it for anything. 

Thank you Overwatch. Even though your fanbase can be one of the most toxic things I have ever seen, you have given me friends and two characters that kept me going when life was trying its hardest to keep me down. You have really shown me the power of fiction and its ability to change lives. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. 

And thank you to whoever is still reading this. Seriously, I can’t believe you actually had the patience to listen to me ramble for so long about something so specific to me. It’s frankly incredible and I have endless respect for you. Your attention span is literally god-like if you were able to read through all this and I wanna thank you for blessing me with your priceless time and attention. It really is amazing.

[bunnyhanasong]

Lost and Found

Main ship: pharmercy

Side ships: n/a

Genre: angst, hurt/comfort, reunion

Synopsis: Dr. Angela Ziegler has spent years focusing solely on her work and saving lives. When a familiar face comes to her in the worst way imagined, the level-headed doctor is left battling logic and emotion in a way she never wished to experience.

Note: This is a short story that I wrote for my creative writing course last semester that I have edited to contain Pharah and Mercy as opposed to my original characters I submitted it with. As I was writing it, I noticed how much inspiration I had taken from Pharmercy with the doctorxsoldier trope, so I thought I would edit it and post as a fan fic since I'm rather fond of it and got a very good mark on it. So, Mr. O if you're reading this; yes this short story was basically gay Overwatch fan fiction lmao. For now this is just a oneshot, though I have thought about expanding the story in the future. Feedback, comments, and suggestions for future pieces in this universe are very much appreciated and will motivate me to write again for this!

Content warnings: canon typical violence, medical talk, military talk, PTSD, traumatic injuries, takes place in a hospital

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Incoming trauma, IED blast with three major casualties; one DOA, two in critical condition.

Angela groaned as her pager beeped angrily at her, the words highlighting the screen causing her to shoot up from her bunk. The on-call room was dark and there were at least two other pagers beeping away, trying to get their owners up to meet the trauma. The bottom bunk she had been occupying for less than 45 minutes, though not exactly the pinnacle of comfort, was warm and inviting in that moment. Still, she pushed herself up and made to leave, trying to pull her blonde hair into a haphazard bun as she followed the other doctors out into the hallway.

The doctor and nurse in front of Angela were chattering in what she knew was Arabic, though her minimal knowledge in the language rendered eavesdropping nearly impossible. Angela was from Switzerland originally, so she only spoke German and English, the latter being thanks to school. She had chosen to learn English throughout high school and university, which came in handy since that was the tongue she spoke predominantly here. She was the head doctor of a Swiss medical aid team, sent to a military base outside of Cairo, Egypt to help their short-staffed trauma centre. None of her team knew Arabic, save for a few phrases, so they were relying on each other and their English knowledge to get them through the mission. As the head doctor and the most fluent English speaker, Angela was the one who received the most information from the Military doctors.

“Dr. Ziegler,” an accented voice brought Angela’s attention to the nurses’ station across the trauma bay. She made her way to the nurse who had said her name, a kind, stout Egyptian woman by the name of Salma. She had been the friendliest nurse by far and welcomed the Swiss doctors warmly. Coming to stand by the triage desk, Angela asked the nurse for more information on what had occurred.

“Our military had sent a team to patrol a territory not far from the base where reports had been made of criminal activity. I guess they stepped too close to unmapped land, an IED mine went off before anyone could react. We lost one immediately, the other two are on the bus in critical condition; ETA 10 minutes.”

Angela nodded along with her words, feeling her stomach sink at the fact that they lost a patient already. She shook off the thought though, no sense in getting emotional now; she would just need to focus on keeping the remaining two alive. She had already seen her fair share of explosion aftermath in her two weeks on base already, which was a terrifying wake up call for the woman. Still, as a doctor she had learned quickly that one must separate feelings from work, otherwise the emotional impact of the job would have put her out of commission years ago. She kept this in mind as she left the nurses’ station, passing a group of Egyptian staff barking orders in Arabic and making her way to a familiar redheaded woman.

“Ange!” the younger doctor greeted Angela in German with a sign of relief, “We have no idea where to even start with this. Do you have any more information on the trauma?”

Amelia Schmidt, 35-year-old and a cardio surgeon by trade, though here she had switched from daily open heart surgeries to more frequent traumas and millions of sutures. She had been Angela’s closest friend since they started working at the same hospital almost about eight years prior. She was certainly a spunky person, always ready to jump into action and meet the problem head on. Being in Egypt was changing that for Amelia though, she felt very out of her element and was finding herself relying on Angela a lot more than usual. The language barrier was certainly difficult, not to mention the culture shock, and Amelia finally felt the overwhelming weight of her profession full force. Still, she never lost her spirit and still kept Angela and the others optimistic, her jovial attitude making nightshifts and long days a bit more bearable.

“Two casualties incoming, both soldiers. Landmine went off and they must have got the front of the blast. Jump in where you can and keep an eye on the younger doctors with us in case translation becomes a problem. If you need help with Arabic, let Salma know like always.”

Amelia nodded at her friend’s words, “Okay.”

Angela didn’t have time to ask her friend how things had been while she had taken a short nap, because the doors to the trauma bay crashed open. There was a lot of shouting in multiple languages as Dr. Ziegler tried to direct her staff in German while the local doctors did the same in their language. She ran up to the medic pushing a gurney, asking in her heavily accented English what they were looking at.

The paramedic looked slightly confused but thankfully answered the blonde woman in English after a moment’s pause, “Private Ahmed Abassi, age 23. GCS 8, responds to pressure but currently nonverbal and only semi-conscious. He was thrown by the explosion and has a suspected rib fracture and shoulder dislocation. Abdomen seems stiff, we assume some internal bleeding but could not get a portable ultrasound in the field.”

Angela nodded as they wheeled into a trauma room, stopping so she could pull on a pair of gloves. She worked with the nurses who had come to help, doing a secondary scan of the patient’s body. She identified some shrapnel that caused superficial wounds but her main concern was the distention of his abdomen and the apparent pain response the young soldier had to it. He was barely conscious but groaned in pain as she palpated the area, apologizing to him gently in Arabic as she continued to check his chest and torso for injuries. Though her words were jumbled and she stuttered more than she liked, Angela still made sure to speak to her patient calmly through her exam, just in case he was more aware than they thought. She asked a nurse to get the portable ultrasound and x-ray so they could check for internal injuries, which was her greatest concern in that moment. As she was monitoring his vitals and reassessing his condition on the coma scale chart, one of her younger doctors ran into the room.

“Dr. Ziegler,” the young man asked in a slightly overwhelmed tone, “Dr. Khan is asking for your help in trauma one.”

Angela nodded and turned to a nurse she knew spoke English, “I will be back to check on Private Abassi in a bit, please get those blood tests and the type-and-cross orders ASAP.”

She followed the resident out into the hall and found Dr. Khan standing outside the trauma room in question. The Egyptian doctor was the head trauma surgeon there and was very no-nonsense. She was tall and slightly intimidating, years of military training apparent in her posture and demeanour. Still, she had been friendly and helpful to the visiting doctors, which Angela was thankful for. She didn’t even have a chance to ask what was wrong before the other woman spoke in a terse voice.

“Female in her early thirties. She is awake and noncompliant. Traumatic trans-radial amputation and other assumed injuries we cannot diagnose due to her adamance to leave. She needs to be examined and we need to operate but we first need to assess her mental state.”

Angela was a bit taken aback by the sudden information dump, “And you need me because...?”

“Your friend said you worked in psychology before switching to surgery, yes?”

Ah, so she wanted a psych consult. Angela had done a minor is psychology and worked as a psychiatrist for a couple years before deciding she much rather preferred the surgical side of her profession. It had been years since she had done a proper psych consult, but her knowledge of the workup and proper patient care had not escaped her.

“I did. Do you need me to do a workup now? Shouldn’t her physical injuries take priority?”

Dr. Khan shook her head, “We have reasons to believe this is a Post-Traumatic Stress attack. She took the biggest force of the explosion; witnesses say she threw herself towards it to protect her younger soldiers. She is a security chief, so we know she has seen a lot of battle already, and was held captive by enemy forces for a fortnight last year.”

“And unknown people touching her while she is in shock may cause her to become violent or prone to self-injury,” Angela concluded, nodding. She gestured for the trauma surgeon to take her to see the patient, following behind her into the room. It had been a while since she had done a proper psych evaluation, but she was hopeful that this would be simple and not include any communication barriers.

There was a large amount of hospital personnel in the room, surrounding a figure clad in a tattered military uniform. There was a group of nurses trying to dress the soldier’s arm, which had been amputated, probably by shrapnel, just below the elbow. That needed to be assessed and closed properly, but surgery was not an option until a proper workup was done. To do a workup though, they first needed to calm the patient so she would be compliant; which was already proving to be an issue. The soldier was thrashing in the nurses’ hold, trying to escape their grasp and the IV in her remaining arm.

Jumping into action, Angela waved away two security personnel who were trying to restraint the soldier’s wrist and ankles, “You are only making this worse by restraining her. Please refrain from touching the patient.”

Making her way towards the bed, she glanced back at Doctor Khan, “Patient name?”

She looked down at the patient and didn’t even hear Khan’s response. It wasn’t necessary; she new exactly who this was. If her name badge on her uniform, somehow still intact, wasn’t identifiable enough, the eye of Horus tattoo under her right eye gave away her identity. The patient’s terrified dark eyes met hers and Angela knew that there was recognition under the layers of shock and drug-induced haze.

“F-fareeha?” Angela murmured, shocked, and took a seat in the chair pulled up beside the hospital bed. She had already tuned out all the background noise of the room, focusing completely on the woman in front of her. She was trying very hard to separate emotions from the situation, but now that she knew who the patient was it was becoming increasingly difficult. Still, she had a job to do and that was the priority in this moment.

Returning her focus to the task at hand, Angela spoke softly to the injured soldier in front of her. She had obviously recognized the blonde doctor by now and was staring at her in confusion, as if she could not understand why Angela was in front of her. The way she looked at her was reassuring though, since she seemed responsive despite her injuries and apparent blood loss. Angela took a glance at the monitor for a moment to check her vitals, saw her heart rate and blood pressure were concerningly high, and took a moment to attempt to soothe the patient’s nerves.

“Fareeha, I need you to stay still, okay?” Angela tried again to reassume her doctor tone as she spoke to the soldier, “You need to let us take care of you. Take a deep breath for me, alright?”

The Egyptian woman tried to speak but she was having trouble, whether that be due to focusing issues or her pain. The other hospital staff were speaking loudly and it was clearly distracting the patient. She was trying to even her breathing like Angela asked, but too deep of an inhale caused her breathing to hitch and her whole body to flinch, which made her assume she had sustained some broken ribs. Fareeha fumbled around on the bed until she caught Angela’s hand with her remaining one, looking up at the doctor with tear-filled eyes. The blonde didn’t pull her hand away, sensing that she needed comfort in this moment, and just hushed her gently.

“Focus on me, alright? Can you understand me?” she had been speaking English the whole time, since she knew Fareeha knew it as well. It was easier than attempting to speak her rusty Arabic, which probably wouldn’t be understandable anyway considering how much her voice wavered. After a pause, Fareeha nodded shakily, wincing as her body disagreed with the movement.

“Good, stay still,” Angela was still holding her hand and gave it a gentle squeeze, “You’re safe, Fareeha. You had an accident out in the field but we’re going to get you through this.”

Angela was trying her best to stay calm herself, speaking softly and keeping the patient’s focus on her. She knew she was letting her emotions get the better of her but she couldn’t help it. Not when Fareeha had such a tight grip on her hand and her eyes held so many questions and so much pain. Still, she knew the most important thing was to keep Fareeha distracted so her heart rate stayed down, wanting to avoid any more panic. She could see the nurses still trying to staunch the flow of blood from Fareeha’s amputation, silently praying that the patient stayed unaware of that aspect of her injury for the time being.

“M-my… my t-team?” the soldier’s voice was raspy and she spoke through gritted teeth but to Angela it was a relief to hear, “Are… t-they o…okay?”

That question made Angela hesitate, glancing back anxiously at Dr. Khan. She didn’t know how to respond to that, since she was not aware of how Ahmed’s condition was faring and did not even know the name of the soldier who had been killed by the blast. Fareeha squeezed her hand, trying to catch her attention again, and Angela sighed. Of course it was just like Fareeha to only care about her team when faced with life threatening injuries herself, ever the selfless hero she was.

“Private Abassi is in surgery right now, Chief Amari,” Khan supplied quickly, “Your other members are either back at base or in the waiting room.”

Angela did not want to lie to Fareeha but knew they could not tell her the truth about the deceased. It would not be fair to distress her like that, not now, and it would certainly ruin things after they had finally gotten her calm. The doctor just nodded along with the attending surgeon’s words, making eye contact with Fareeha.

“Fareeha, you need surgery,” though the extent of her injuries was not yet known, it was obvious she would need to be anesthetized to have her traumatic amputation corrected and cleaned up. She was unsure if the patient had even registered that she was missing her hand and forearm, most likely due to shock or the concern for her team she seemed to hold over her own health.

“Surgery?”

Angela hummed in affirmation, frowning at the way the younger woman sounded so confused, “Can you let the other doctors look you over? I promise you are safe; we just need to make sure you’re not bleeding internally or have any fractures we missed.”

It took a little more coaxing and Angela promising to stay right beside her before the younger woman agreed. The Swiss doctor held her hand the whole time, spoke to her gently in English and broken Arabic, hoping to calm her nerves. The doctor’s shaky attempt at speaking her mother tongue made Fareeha smile despite her pain, a familiar and warm sight that soothed Angela’s own anxieties. When Doctor Khan confirmed that Fareeha had suffered major bruising and a few rib fractures, as well as a concussion, she ordered some scans to make sure there was no bleeding or injury they had missed.

The other staff members were still bustling around, ordering scans and cleaning up the space. Angela had stepped away to speak to the attending doctor, explaining how she knew Fareeha and what steps they had to take now. The soldier in question was slumped back into the uncomfortable neck brace she was stuck in, still trying to crane her neck to see the only familiar face she knew in the room.

“Angie?”

The nickname Angela had not been called in years made her jump, sure Amelia called her “Ange” sometimes but that was different. There was a mixture of fondness and fear in Fareeha’s voice as she called out to the blonde doctor, who had been speaking to Khan in a hushed tone across the room. Turning her attention back to the patient who called for her, Fareeha’s dark eyes searching for reassurance before the unfamiliar nurses wheeled her to the operating theatre.

Angela walked back to her side, not even thinking as she reached out to brush matted dark hair off Fareeha’s face, “You’ll be alright, Fareehali.”

The affectionate nickname surprised the younger woman, “W-will you be here… when it’s d-done?”

Angela nodded, “Of course. I promise.” The fear and uncertainty was clear on her face and it broke Angela’s heart, seeing this strong soldier so scared. She held onto Fareeha’s hand for a little longer, promising her that the surgery would be over before she knew it and Fareeha was in good hands.

When she was reassured that there would be a familiar face there when she woke up, the solider let the staff members wheel her down the hallway. Angela was left in the hall by herself, dumbfounded by the situation she had just been thrown into. She went back to the trauma bay in a daze, worry eating away at her stomach as she slouched heavily against a wall.

“Ange?” Amelia’s cheerful voice drew her out of her thoughts, “You okay?”

Angela shrugged, already feeling the dull ache of a migraine throbbing in her skull, “Patient’s gone to surgery.”

Amelia raised an eyebrow, “You’re not operating? You have privileges here and usually you never pass up the chance to operate.”

The older woman had taken a seat in a chair, her head falling into her hands as she felt her body weighed down with the emotions she had tried to fight off. She stayed quiet for a moment as she tried to collect herself, feeling her friend’s concerned stare drilling into her. Angela didn’t raise her head to look at Amelia and her reply was muffled.

“Can’t operate. Not on her.”

“Who?”

Angela sighed, “The security chief with the traumatic amputation. She’s… uh… she’s my ex-girlfriend.”

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

The first thing Fareeha was aware of when she woke up was the scent of disinfectant, which was so strong it felt like a hit to the face. The second thing she noticed was that her left arm was numb, and a quick glance down explained why. Her elbow was wrapped in a tight layer of bandages, but the rest of her lower arm was gone, an empty space on the bed where it should be. She recalled one of the nurses mentioning something about a traumatic amputation, but it had disappeared from her mind in a haze of adrenaline and pain medication. She was not too sure about much that had happened in the trauma room, to be honest; everything fuzzy with the weight of anesthetic. Now, though, the reality was hitting her; she was missing her left arm and might never fight again.

She felt a weight on her other arm and turned her head, much too fast which made her wince, and saw a familiar figure beside her. Angela Ziegler was there in all her glory, slumped over in a visitor’s chair that had been pulled as close to the bed as possible. She was fast asleep, her hand clutching tightly to Fareeha’s remaining one as if she would disappear if Angela let go. She was still clad in her beige scrubs, her rumpled white coat having been discarded over the back of the chair, and her hair was a mess, tumbling over her shoulders as if it had fallen from its haphazard knot. Despite her clear exhaustion and disheveled state, Fareeha would never be over how beautiful the Swiss woman was, and she felt her heart clench painfully as she remembered how bittersweet this reunion was.

Their breakup was not exactly a bad one; there had not been any ill feelings or fights. It was mostly a mutual decision out of necessity rather than falling out of love. Fareeha had been an exchange student in Switzerland back in her second year of University. She soon met Angela, a quiet and calculated med student well on her way to her degree. They quickly became friends and improved their English together as a means of communication. Like so many cliché love stories, their friendship grew closer until it was more than that. They dated for a while, Fareeha staying in Switzerland longer than her exchange had been for, and they were happy. Thing were good and Angela even made solid plans to visit her girlfriend the next summer in Egypt when she undoubtably would have to go home.

When Fareeha went back to Egypt, they made long distance work for a while and it was still okay. It was when the Egyptian woman told her girlfriend she would be joining the army that Angela knew things wouldn’t work out, not then anyway. They were too far apart and she needed to focus on her career, Fareeha’s military service would leave her plagued by fear for her partner’s safety and distract her from the hospital. Fareeha proposed a break, understanding Angela’s point of view but knew the older woman would never stop her from doing what she wanted. Angela had let her go without a fight and they parted ways, though there had been many tears on both sides and a long skype call of apologies and regrets.

They had stayed in touch at first, friendly and civil, but soon grew apart. Mostly due to Fareeha’s training and deployments, which prohibited her from using her phone often. Eventually their correspondence lulled until it stopped all together. It had been maybe three years since they last spoke by then and Fareeha was completely overwhelmed by the doctor’s presence. The fact that she was here though, since she must she have had work to be doing, was reassuring. It made her feel safe to have Angela here, especially since her mind threatened to swallow her in a whirlwind of memories and trauma. Though it didn’t stop the panic completely, Angela being there was enough to keep her from falling deep into her head in that moment.

The effects of the anesthetic were wearing off, though she still felt groggy from the IV of what she assumed was morphine. She certainly wasn’t complaining about the drugs though, since she knew her pain would have been almost blinding without the steady flow of pain relief into her bloodstream. Now that her head was clearer, Fareeha tried her hardest to distract herself from the overwhelming numbness she felt on her left side. She felt as though maybe the fact that she had had a traumatic amputation hadn’t sunk in completely beforehand, but now that the pain was breaking through her hazy mind, she felt the panic over the topic rising.

Thinking about it only made it worse, Fareeha noted, but she couldn’t stop herself. Left in the silent and bland hospital room to her own devices, her head was filled with memories from the accident as they all flooded back. The yell of shock that left her friend Noor as she realized too late that she stepped on an unmarked mine. The way she had thrown herself to grab her friend but had been too late to stop the damage. The force of the explosion that sent them all flying backwards. It all came back in a rush, overwhelming her beyond belief.

Her head was aching, she had a concussion if she remembered correctly, and she just wanted to go back to sleep. Sleep would surely bring nightmares now, though, and the solider was not sure how much more panic she could handle at that point. Fareeha tried to focus her mind on Angela instead, observing her sleeping form languidly in an attempt to keep herself calm. She gave the doctor’s hand a gentle squeeze, more as reassurance for herself than anything, and it caused the other woman to stir.

“Fareehali?” the nickname was mumbled and tired, followed by a string of words in German that Fareeha was unable to place properly. It had been too long since she head or spoke in Swiss-German, her third language, and she was too out of it to recognize what the doctor said. Hearing her voice was reassuring though, even though the sleepily mumbled words pricked at her heart more than she would like to admit; mind flooded with memories of their past. This time she wasn’t waking up in their shared bed next to the beautiful doctor, who was too tired to speak in anything but her mother tongue but still greeted Fareeha good morning with gentle kisses and a strong hug. This time she was injured and in the hospital, Angela was her doctor and they had been broken up for over half a decade. Thing were bittersweet, she sighed to herself, and this was certainly not how she imagined their reunion.

“Hi, Angie,” Fareeha replied as the blonde lifted her head, her grip on the other woman’s hand not faltering for a moment. It took a little while for Angela to wake up properly, her unruly hair sticking to sleep-flushed cheeks as she lifted her free hand to rub at her eye. After a moment though, she seemed to jump back into doctor mode.

“How’s your pain?” she questioned, glancing over at the machine beside the bed to check Fareeha’s vital signs. Fareeha couldn’t help but smile weakly at the focused look on her face, thinking she looked downright adorable when she was fussing over her like this. Perhaps an inappropriate thought for a soldier being treated for traumatic injuries, Fareeha would just blame her gay brain winning over logic for that though.

Fareeha shrugged weakly, “Can’t feel my arm,” she nodded pointedly to the bandaged stump that was propped up on a pillow as if it wasn’t obvious. She tilted her head back into the pillows and winced a little, “Head hurts.”

Angela frowned at that, reaching up to absentmindedly smooth her messy dark hair down, “I’m sorry, Fareeha.”

“Nothing anyone could do.”

“you… threw yourself in front of the explosion?”

Fareeha flinched but nodded all the same, “Not my finest idea. It seemed like the right thing to do though; I had to protect those kids. Dumbasses, the lot of them, but at the end of the day they’re good soldiers.”

Angela shook her head, “You could have died, Fareeha.”

“I could die any day, Angie. That’s how this line of work goes.”

“But…” Angela’s eyes were full of pain as she stared at her, “I can’t lose you… not again, Fareehali.”

That confession had Fareeha pausing, taken aback by the statement. It had been three years since they last spoke, six since they broke up, yet by that admission it sounded like Angela hadn’t let her go completely. Maybe she had not let Angela go either, still, that was a loaded statement and the solider was unsure of how to reply.

“Angela…” Fareeha spoke gently, though her tone was guarded, “It’s been so long.”

The blonde scoffed, blue eyes holding a challenging edge to their stare, “And? That doesn’t mean anything… I miss you, Fareeha. When I saw you in the trauma bay earlier, it was like my worst fear being realized before my eyes. If you had died down there or in surgery, I don’t know if I could have handled it.”

The Egyptian woman felt her heart sink as tears welled in Angela’s eyes. She hated seeing her in pain, hated that she couldn’t fix it immediately. The older woman had always been so strong, so calculated and sure of herself, so to see her now close to tears and almost shaking; it made Fareeha want to cry as well.

“I’m sorry,” Fareeha’s voice was barely above a whisper, “I didn’t want to leave you… I didn’t want to scare you like this.”

“I know…” Angela mumbled, hiding behind her curtain of blonde hair. She laughed at her own emotional behaviour and swiped at the tears on her cheeks, “This is so unprofessional of me.”

“Angie… how long have you been in Egypt?”

Angela looked at her with a sheepish smile, “Two weeks. We’re here for a couple months, unless something severe happens.”

Fareeha nodded, “Did you… think about contacting me?”

“I did, actually,” Angela laughed a little, “I contacted your mother. I wasn’t sure if you still had the same phone number so I found Ana though the trauma centre’s records, she works here sometimes, yeah?”

“Not as often as she used to but yeah. I haven’t talked to her in a while to be honest.”

“Fareeha!” Angela shook her head, “Call your mother for once, dumbass. She misses you.”

“I know”

The doctor sighed and observed her for a moment, “I… miss you.”

“Angie,” Fareeha sighed, watching her with pain in her eyes.

“I do.”

“I know” Fareeha said again, “I miss you too.”

Angela was holding onto her hand again, silent tears streaking down her cheeks. Fareeha tugged on her hand until she took the hint, slouching down so the soldier could wrap her arm around her. Angela melted against her strong body, trying to be careful and avoid straining her injuries. It felt safe like this, something neither woman had felt properly in years; the familiarity and warmth that came with the desperate embrace. This was the comfort both had missed so dearly, something the doctor had let go of out of fear of the unknown. Yet here they were six years later, the only reassurance they found from the unknown being in each other’s arms.

“Promise me,” Angela mumbled into her shoulder, “That you won’t scare me like this again. I can’t lose you, not after all this.”

“Angela, you couldn’t handle the distance last time…”

“I don’t care,” the Swiss woman wore her stress and exhaustion on her face as she lifted her head, “I’ll do whatever it takes this time. I’ll stay here if I have to, transfer all my work here. I can’t leave you, Fareeha, certainly not like this.”

“I-” Fareeha took a shaky breath, “You mean that?”

“Whatever it takes,” Angela’s tone was serious and firm, a sure nod punctuating her tearful words. Fareeha knew she wasn’t lying and she knew from experience that Angela never broke her promises. She also knew that the blonde was the most stubborn, head-strong woman she had the pleasure of meeting.

“Okay.”

“O-okay?”

“I promise,” Fareeha concluded as she held tightly onto the woman who had truthfully never stopped being the object of her affection, “I won’t leave you again.”

That admission made Angela burst into tears again, holding tightly to the younger woman as her whole body shook with a mixture of relief and emotion. Fareeha just held her as best she could, pressing a cautious kiss to the Swiss woman’s forehead, apologizing so quietly it was almost inaudible. It was an apology for a lot of things, leaving her; scaring her; not being there to protect and love Angela for all those years. Angela just scoffed and told her to shut up, returning her affection with a gentle kiss on the lips that held six years of pain, regret, and love.

Even though the future was terrifying and their reunion was as bittersweet as reunions go, none of that seemed to matter in that moment. All that mattered was the promise of safety and comfort they had found in each other all those years ago, a promise that felt stronger than any war, IED, or distance that threatened to separate them again.

[mollydollyjournals]

Monday 25th January; 156lbs

I didn't check my body composition today. I just stepped on the scales and left my phone in my bedroom, which means it doesn't send info to the app. So I know that I weigh a little less than the other day, but still way too much.

Toilet tmi again. Im still really constipated and it's actually just fucking painful. The biggest issue is it's not that I haven't been eating. I always try to eat reasonably high fiber (compared to my caloric intake anyway - 8-9g fiber a day isn't much for a normal 2000kcal diet, but it is for 800kcal) and if I need more then I have some particularly high fiber stuff like pulses. Fruit and veg is a good way to go. It's been 3-4 days now so I actually have been eating a bit more to try to make it happen, including higher fiber, but still nothing. I took some stimulant lax last night and still nothing. Had yogurt and coffee and still nothing.

I have this pain in my abdomen too. I suspected some internal bleeding last week or the week before so I'm sure something is up. Just I don't know what I should do about it. I don't want to go back to the doctor and ask them to investigate something else again. I think after my liver scan and blood tests came up fine they'll think I'm lying or exaggerating. I just don't know what's wrong with me. Is it an impaction? Do I have something constructing my intestines? An ulcer? I have really bad acid reflux too. It's like my digestive system is too full and it's just not emptying. My waist feels huge. It makes me actually scared to eat for physical reasons, because if it's not stimulating my gut to move like it should be, then all I'm doing is putting more pressure on my insides.

I'm currently drinking some osmotic lax, which is all I can do. It's what you're supposed to do for impaction. I bought it specifically because I've had these problems before and you're not meant to take stimulant lax, and sometimes it'll resolve itself but it can still be painful and also it'll take longer. Osmotic lax doesn't work fast though - you have to give it a few days. During those few days I'm just reabsorbing waste matter from my intestines. Its disgusting and unhealthy. And when it finally does work, I might have the opposite problem. In the past I've been reluctant to take lax for this because I've had instances where it acted kind of like...a plug. That once it's passed, everything else goes way too fast after it. Sorry that's gross. I guess if anyone wanted more motivation to eat properly it's so your digestive system doesn't get fucked up like this. I noticed a lot of mucus not long ago so maybe the regular mucus layer got stripped and hasn't replenished. Idk.

Other than that there is family drama happening with my brother who is currently in a psych ward and my stupid mother who thinks the sun shines directly out of his anus. My entire life she's treated him like her precious baby and I've just been secondary. Maybe because she associated him with my older brother who died. Who fucking knows. But they're stressing me the fuck out and pissing me off. I keep telling her what to do and what not to do, which I get from trying to properly research his conditions and others similar and from having dealt with her when she was in a psychotic episode, and she just doesn't. She thinks if she just talks nice and loves him enough he'll get better. As if that isn't the whole reason he's a spoiled piece of shit who thought he could take all the drugs with no consequences. This probably sounds very hypocritical from an alcoholic who has trouble not drinking even after physical health problems, but there's much more to it in my brother's case that I cba to go into.

The worst part is she gives him all the attention and understanding that I want and haven't had. I've spent the last few days feeling especially lonely and invisible. I've been talking about it a bit on social media and only a couple of friends responded. Hb came up to my room and saw me crying and basically acted like an awkward dad. Bf hasn't acknowledged much of what I've posted and we still haven't spoken directly. If not for those few friends I might have done something drastic. I don't know. I need to know if I'm actually liked loved and cared for. Missed at all. Lockdown has fucked with it so much and I already had trouble with it. I feel like I need to do something big to get attention. I could just be honest about my feeling like I want to kill myself and see who responds. But I've spoken about it before and people just kind of 'haha same' if that. I don't know if they realise that I'm genuinely close to doing something, or just don't care.

I do have borderline personality disorder and I'm so aware of the stigma. I don't want to be manipulative or abusive. I want people to want to be around me, not because I forced them. I'm so scared of being needy or annoying or overbearing or anything like that. And then if I do say something, I'm already feeling really bad and struggling a lot, so for it to be ignored hurts so much. That's why I end up drinking. I already have trouble seeing my friends post about their struggles and get so much support and love offered, when I get barely any. One of my best friends also has BPD but also everyone loves her. She has a successful small business doing what she loves, if I go anywhere with her strangers stop her and compliment her or ask to take her photo but pretend I don't exist or give me a passing smile. It's not that I don't think she deserves those things or love and support. It's just that I want it too. She's one of the few people who's reached out to me recently and I really appreciate it. I guess she knows how it feels. I just wish I wasn't so jealous.

So for my brother to start saying stuff in the family group chat and my mum to just start fawning over him and all that? Just the extra salt I really didn't need in my wounds. For one thing, I told her not to play into how he is because he'll feed off the drama. I know this because of who he is, that he really is an attention seeker, and that all 3 of us have a tendency to get caught up in things. My brother and I inherit our cluster B personality traits from her. I told her not to get into it and remain impartial. She didn't. I even messaged her and my dad separately and told them that I called the hospital and asked them to check on my brother, but she hasn't given me so much as a thank you.

She's up early for work and I sleep on Mars time, so my dad is still asleep. He'll probably say something when he gets up in a few hours. It all feels backwards. He was so abusive to me growing up. He was unnecessarily strict and horrible to me all the time and kicked me out and disowned me regularly. He tore down my entire sense of self and called me stupid and made sure I realised that if I wasn't doing well it was my own fault and I wasn't trying hard enough. But now he keeps a level head and we reconnected after years of not talking because my brother and mum both had a psychotic episode at the same time a few years ago. I hated him so much but now his approval and support is worth the most. But it's the same problem again - he seems to genuinely realise now that his overly authoritarian parenting was wrong. It's just how it is in a lot of African cultures, and his father was especially abusive, so he wasn't well equipped. He's doing things differently with my younger half brother. But why couldn't it have been me? Why didn't I get to have a nice dad who acknowledges his humanity? My half brother deserves it, but why couldn't I have that while I was growing up too?

It just makes me feel really abandoned. In every situation, there's always someone else who gets what I want, and I don't. I hate my brother so much. I feel like it'd be better if he was dead. But then my mum would spiral, and I'm not really that cold, so I phoned the hospital to talk to them and get them to check on him. Phone calls make me so nervous. I was shaking. Before the call, while I made the call, and for a long time afterwards. I didn't even get acknowledged.

I want a drink.

[lizardkingeliot]

Please tell us, if you can, if the new season of magicians is worth watching? after last season and Q, I basically had decided I was over it. But...elllllliot :( I'm very torn after how dirty they did us And even tho I love the other characters, almost dont want them to move on from Q bc how could they? lol it's good and healthy, yes, but irl makes me sad, dammit!! Anyways ~ new season, yay or nay? Please help? Thank you so much xo

This got salty (and spoilery) so under a cut it goes.

I don’t think I can give a simple yay or nay to this honestly. It’s been… okay? For what it is? I guess. But… it’s also had these moments of being so emotionally tone-deaf wrt certain things, I don’t know that I can trust them to do anything but let me down for the rest of the season. The first three episodes were very emotionally satisfying for me, and then episode four was… a mess. And five was… okay? It was a good set-up for episode six, which was… an episode that should have worked for me on every level. Eliot was literally in every scene, and Hale acted his face off as always, but when it was over I was just left feeling kind of… hollow????

And I think that’s about where I am with the season right now. Very hollow and… whatever. The anguish of the first three episodes has seemingly been washed away and it feels too easy, especially considering how they promoted this as the Season Of Grief. I mean, this show has always been a mess when it comes to tone and pacing and knowing how to make complex human emotions and experiences matter, and I always lowkey hope they’re going to learn and grow and get better and then they just… don’t.

Episode six by all accounts should have been the deepest dive into Eliot’s psyche that we’ve had yet, but by the end the hadn’t really dealt with anything, and erased most of what he was going through wrt his trauma from the Monster by having what he was being haunted by just being… Charlton trying to break out of his happy place. Which was a really cute scene! And I like Charlton a lot. But tonally it was weird, and it didn’t work in context, and they also did absolutely nothing to show us what he actually still has in his head from the Monster??? It’s just… a mess.

And what was probably the biggest letdown of episode six for me was that… Eliot??? Didn’t talk about Quentin at all???? They spent the first three episodes focusing on how much he was repressing wrt his feelings, and specifically lying to Margo about them, and then… when they finally had a talk about what was bothering him, it was just about the Monster???? And I guess you could argue that he’s still repressing a lot, and not ready to open up to her about that because it was already so hard telling Alice what little he did but… it was just so shallow and weird and empty that I couldn’t even enjoy them being soft and sweet together.

Also, they used the cottage door from the mosaic as a symbol! Which I guess… they think is just a general symbol for Eliot facing his fears but??? It’s so much more than that???? That door specifically represents Eliot and Quentin’s home, and the life they spent together, and Eliot opening himself up to his feelings for Quentin. And to use it in an episode where there was zero acknowledgement he was even thinking about him just… honestly makes me so mad.

Anyway, I guess this is all very on brand for them? Like, this is the team that entirely ignored the emotional impact of the mosaic for the rest of season 3 when it should have been the most profound experience of both their lives. This is the team that wrote that finale. They really have no idea how to balance consistent emotional states with being silly and ridiculous, so for all we know Eliot could be back to actually acting like he cared about Quentin next week???? I’m not holding out hope for that tho…

If I were you, I’d wait until the season is over, even though I get missing Eliot and wanting to watch it now. He’s honestly the only reason I’m sticking around at this point.

In conclusion: oof.

[countessrivers]

Kind of long, but...

I’ve brought it up briefly before, but I just really love the way Gotham frames the murder of Thomas and Martha as that first spark, that first little pebble in the pond that ripples outwards, changing the fabric of Gotham forever.

The murder of the Waynes doesn’t just change Bruce forever, it changes the city. The Waynes were all but the city’s royal family, and having them die the way they did, and the tragedy of having their young son witness it, does something to the city’s psyche itself. It also sets into motion a cascading chain of events that ultimately culminates in guys calling themselves The Riddler and The Penguin, running around killing people and trying to blow up mayors, while Bruce Wayne tries to stop them while dressed as a bat.

First off, the murder pulls Jim Gordon fully into the fray. He starts off new to the city, idealistic, wanting to do good, but his promise to Bruce pushes him into close contact with the most ingrained corruption in the city, which he rails against. Jim spends the show fighting against that corruption, trying to do good, trying to make Gotham better even as he struggles to make headway without giving in himself. Solving one murder case becomes something bigger. It becomes about saving the soul of the city, it becomes about bringing to justice those who keep escaping it, and that mission ultimately lands him in the Commissioner’s chair. 

The cover-up, the instability of Wayne Enterprises (with Thomas and Martha dead and Bruce only 12) and Jim’s refusal to play along also weakens Falcone. Perceived weaknesses encourages both Fish and Maroni to start making moves, and gives Oswald his first chance at playing the game. By the end of the season those weaknesses, helped along by Oswald’s involvement, lead to an all out mob war, and when the smoke clears Maroni and Fish are dead, Falcone is gone, and what’s left of the underworld is following Oswald. The lack of a proper, organised, and entrenched mob from this point forward is really what allows the weirder parts of Gotham to flourish. Organised crime for the most part loses its grip on Gotham, and the danger then starts coming from something else.

The beginning of season 2 is where one of the biggest flow-on consequences can be felt. Theo Galavan himself wouldn’t have come back had Thomas and Martha been alive - a grieving, traumatised 13/14 year old is a much easier target for revenge and manipulation than two adults. I also doubt he would have been able to gain as much of a foothold in the city had Falcone still been in control. Oswald was in charge of the mob at this point, but the underworld had been hit hard. He was new, he didn’t have the connections or the power or the loyalty or the experience to keep Galavan out, or to even stand up to him, which is what allowed Galavan to become Mayor, escape arrest, and get so close to taking WE/killing Bruce. What Galavan and Tabitha do also has far reaching consequences for Oswald’s relationships with a number of the other villains, and in how he approaches things from then on.

Galavan also, in a sense, makes Jerome. Up until that point, Jerome was just some kid in Arkham who had killed his mother. Galavan breaks him out and encourages that sadistic, showman side. He plays on his needs and issues and promises him fame and attention and a legacy. His name being remembered forever. He uses Jerome and kills him when his part is done, but he also brings something out in Jerome that changes how he sees himself, the city, and others. He didn’t make Jerome a killer (he’d already killed his mother and happily offed his father and the other Maniax members) but he gave Jerome the opportunity to indulge in his more dramatic side, he encouraged it, all  while coaching him on how to terrorise a city, how to hold it hostage, how to manipulate the other players, and those are things Jerome completely takes on board once he’s resurrected.

And it’s after Jerome that you really see an uptick in the theatrical nature of the villains. Before that you have serial killers, you have the occasional vigilante or mad scientist, and god knows the villains have always been dramatic af, but whether it’s directly because of what Jerome does, or just the way he shifts the city’s psyche once again, the villains of Gotham start changing. For example, while Ed looks to Oswald for guidance on finding his villainous self, the theatricality, the need for an audience and a foil, the riddles themselves, are on a whole new level from his own past crimes, or any of Oswald’s. People start using freeze guns, you have metas popping up all over the place, Jerome has an actual cult following, and a guy with mind control powers and a thing for hats and rhyming shows up looking for his sister. There is a new kind of villain in Gotham, one that fills the gaps left by the mob, encouraged by the very public examples of those that have come before, or influenced by the ways they have been changed. 

Thomas and Martha being dead also has other consequences. Without them the Arkham project is sold off the the mob, which means Arkham Asylum, rather than becoming an actual working mental health facility as Martha wanted, is reopened exactly as is - a run down, corrupt probably cursed institution that no matter how many resources are poured into, never seems to improve its security, staff or patient care. Thomas being dead means that Indian Hill is able to be reopened, and Hugo Strange is able to experiment on people as he likes. Strange actually creates a number of the Rogues directly because no one was around to stop him. (And even indirectly, as one of the escapees essentially creates the second version of Ivy). 

His habit of bringing people back to life also has a number of far reaching impacts - Galavan is killed off pretty quickly, but Fish coming back has major repercussions on Oswald and, though it’s not Strange directly, Jerome being brought back not only spurs a major turning point in Bruce, but he will then go on to “create” Jeremiah.

The Nolan movies framed the death of the Waynes as something that managed to pull the city together, but I like how the show uses it as an act that rattles the city, that shakes something uglier loose, and in a sense, starts an avalanche that culminates in the need for/creation of Batman.