#because they havent been fucking affected by it!!! and they cant imagine that other people have been personally affected by it !!

[boycritter]

i should get one million dollars every time someone in my english class brings up the holocaust for no fucking reason

[selfundiagnosed]

why is it mean for someone to tell you you should get help? you're obviously in a lot of distress and should see someone about it for your own mental health...these 'patterns' you're leaning into are only exarcerbating your mental condition. but if you want to embrace your psychosis and go completely off the rails i guess that's your prerogative

to insinuate that a.) i dont know about my own mental state & wellbeing and you need to “tell me” because the psychosis makes it so i cant notice how it affects how i function every single day of my life b.) i need to delete my socials because of what someone else did to me to put me in this state c.) you somehow have any idea whats going on in my life, if im being treated, what symptoms im experiencing, that I legitimately cant tell ~whats real~ d.) noticing patterns doesnt mean im going off the deep rail LMFAO is all the stupidest shit ever.

for future reference, how you and the other anon are approaching someone you perceive as experiencing active psychosis is going to put people in active psychosis in danger to themselves. its funny to see random anons tell me what im experiencing and what i need to do about it to fix it when its evident from how this was approached you don’t actually care about me you just want to make yourselves feel like youre above me for whatever reason. “but if you want to embrace your psychosis and go completely off the rails i guess that's your prerogative” and “Deactivate your TikTok, delete the app and go see a psychologist” are sooo condescending. yeah deleting an app is absolutely gonna fix this problem. a diagnosis ive had since i was 15. stupid shits idek what to say like are you both actual tiktok teenagers who think they know everything about everything because get off my blog you suck so bad lmaooo sooo condescending. Im completely capable of making my own decisions im 22 lol i dont need tumblr anons i cant see telling me to do shit im doing already. i have a psychiatrist. ive been seeing him for years. i have a therapist. i saw her after my psychosis got retriggered. i know i am sick! i literally cant leave my house! when i do… i freak the fuck out! for HOURS !!! my family and friends all know how deeply this affects me and i promise you none of them have said this shit to me the way you and the “other anon” did. i stopped socializing, i havent made any new friends, i cant trust the people i do know im not close to anymore. i promise you i know WAYYY more than you about how it impacts me way more than you. my socials are the one open window i didnt put curtains on. i completely control what you all are able to see theough leaving this tiny window unclothed for the internet to look into my life. i dont need random people to see my jokes on my blog about my delusions and tell me its a delusion like im being very tongue in cheek about all of my delusional posts. i absolutely believe them but im making fun of myself for how crazy i sound.

i really have not a clue why youd think this is an appropriate way to approach it but it leads me to believe youre a tiktok user who probably thought the dude that manipulated his way into a famous persons house while she was manic was a Good Idea because clearly she wouldnt get help. lmfao its bad in so many facets. imagine if i was fully and completely immersed in my paranoia and delusions of being a targeted individual (which is the root of everything im experiencing right now): ask yourself how would you feel YOU felt targeted by a higher entity and now random anonymous people are telling you what you’re experiencing and how youre treated everyday isnt real and youre crazy. like to us its so very real and no amount of rationalizing makes it better. i have only small interactions every once in a blue moon these days that makes me think i could be okay and that im not being targeted and then every single day multiple times a day its shown to me continuously. this included! you and the “other anon” should really reevaluate how you talk to people in severe mental crisis because this is like the exact opposite of how you should react to seeing someone delusion posting or whatever and it shows me you dont know a single loved one with who experiences this shit.

in the future, fucking look into how you approach someone struggling. if i wasnt as lucid in my psychosis or in touch with reality you genuinely could have put me in danger. im going to send you and anyone on my blog watching me like im a circus act off with this so you never put anyone in my position in a state of self harm. but if youre too lazy to click on the link im showing you anyways

[pesterloglog]

Jade Harley

Page 147-150

JADE: are you talking to me?

JADE: because if you are i would like to remind you that i hate!! orange juice!!

JADE: well i guess i never really had a strong opinion on it before

JADE: but now i cant stand it!!

JADE: its all you drink!

JADE: its my body and i dont want orange juice!

JADE: i hate pulp, and i didnt just make that up to spite you

JADE: who wants strings in their juice?

JADE: ughhhhhhhhh

JADE: fuck you rude calliope inside my head!

JADE: from a 'characterization' standpoint, i think you are pedantic

JADE: annoying

JADE: and just a general huge drag to be around!

JADE: why dont you try being possessed by the spirit of some other version of a good friend of yours, and floated around a spaceship full of people you love

JADE: unable to affect anything or say hello to anyone!

JADE: then tell me about whiners!

JADE: sounds like a you problem

JADE: well i had to watch my boyfriend and my brother die in front of me on a tiny scaled version of a world that i shrunk for them!

JADE: and then spend the next three years talking to myself, wracked with guilt that id killed them!

JADE: youre a member of a species designed for long periods of isolation

JADE: im a human!

JADE: or at least, i started out that way

JADE: even if i had the powers of a first guardian, my brain still worked in modules of human pattern recognition!

JADE: three years is a long time for a human teenager, i dont care how many of her molecules are made of a god!

JADE: OH MY GOD STOP NARRATING!

JADE: who are you even talking to?

JADE: audience?

JADE: ugh, this is so annoying, i cant tell if youre being serious

JADE: your voice is impossible to read and i cant see your face

JADE: oh

JADE: well thanks

JADE: thats better

JADE: youre right that i am being silly, and i didnt mean to start a slap fight over who has suffered more

JADE: clearly you have been through a lot more than i could ever possibly imagine

JADE: youre the same callie who talked to me and jane when we were unconscious back in the game, right?

JADE: theres just a lot of everybody running around and i guess i havent been keeping the internal tally that i should have

JADE: but i think it is a very natural thing to be silly when you are used to being able to control your own body, but now cant

JADE: so i will stop yelling at you

JADE: but i reserve the right to start yelling again in the future if i have a good reason

JADE: ...okay?

JADE: do you actually know that?

JADE: do you actually know that im doomed to pine over dave and karkat across every iteration of reality?

JADE: like, can you actually see that?

JADE: because youre a space player, like i am.

JADE: i know that you are more powerful than me, but i dont think you can see other timelines any better than i can

JADE: so i think you are just being dramatic

JADE: for the “audience”, whatever the heck that means

JADE: heheh

JADE: i have never been particularly tamable, and my consciousness is huge!

[dirt-str1der]

People call kazumaji one sided and theyre kind of right but i find it so funny to think if majima gets incapacitated one day and kiryu is walking the streets with an unloaded pistol in his belt (bait for frisking) like where is officer majima :(( he said hed be near the batting center ... because hes been so spoiled by the constant attention that when his stalker disappears hes like im so bored and alone ...

[weeniewrites]

todays sorta fluff sorta thirst is i would like to take turns giving itadori a massage

this ones more of a lime than a lemon, little spicy but no actual doing the do but

like yes, anyone would like to run their hands over those muscles cause jesus christ, but maybe, looking over a guide on how to get out tension through a combination of stretches and other stuff and you two do them together just, staring at the computer and he makes a dumb comment every so often

but once you’re done stretching and get to the like, actual part of self massaging hes just like... hmmm.. dont people usually do this on each other?? and its like shit yeah that’s gotta be effective! and ur prolly both sore from training so it just makes sense and even if ur maybe a little shy he kinda, doesn’t react that much because as kind as understanding of a person he is he just doesnt react to shit he should honestly sometimes lol

then its sorta, fine actually, mostly feels good to get the tension out and he relaxes besides when a spots tender so the main person affected is you my dear friend. you who is rubbing your palms up and down his back, feeling each and every hard muscle as you explore and hes so damn warm! and hes just calmly saying where its the worst, maybe getting a little louder when he remembers a way to do it or a diagram u guys havent tried yet

up until you dig just alittle, little harder in between his shoulder blades and he gasps and tenses, so you wait for him to settle down and do it again and he tenses more, so you rub little circles like you had to do in other spots to try and get the tension out tand well.. he shuffles away stuttering thats enough for now and brave confident yuji cant meet your eyes

fucking, imagine just being two pals trying to help each other in a way that feels like it should be completely normal and casual but like, neither of you have been touched by another person all over like this and its making you realize just how sensitive you can be

[ainti-pretty]

Hi!

What do you think about Iorveth in realationship? And can you write differences (if you think they will be), if his "love" is human or elf.

yeah! i can!

as a multishipper (heehee) ill just write for all of them bc i imagine each take place during VERY different times in his life. it also describes the relationship and that dynamic so yea. i hope this is what u wanted. oops

its also a bit long!! so there is a cut

tw: (all are mentioned and its not too in deth but be careful) death, trauma, drinking

first, id like to start of with iorveth as a youngster:

-he was probably rlly fucking hot as teen/young adult before he really got involved in the scoia'tael and got the scar and probably. slept around a lot. he probably wasnt big on commitment as he was young and maybe was in a few long(ish) term relationships but he mostly just chilled until his parents were killed by humans and he got his scar

next, onto beginnings of scoia'tael years/cedric:

-i think that iorveth and cedric joined together as friends but gradually grew closer

-but, after he got the scar i think it fucked up his self esteem so he was a lot less open with his affections

-the trauma of losing his parents and being there was. in short. not good.

-i feel like he definately got incredibly invested in the scoia'tael during this time because it and cedric were all he had

-and he dearly loved cedric, and although he had lost a ton of his self esteem, he found strength in cedric and they were a power couple for a few decades. the slept together, they cuddled, they held hands whenever they had the chance, and they truly truly loved each other very much

-until cedrics health/mental health got worse and they broke up (which broke both their hearts), and iorveth blamed himself when cedric left the scoia'tael.

moving onto ciaran:

-ciaran (as per my previous hc on him) lost his parents as a teen and was wandering around trying to get revenge on humans whenever he could for years before iorveth met him.

-naturally, iorveth fell hard.

-but, after cedric left he decided to bottle it up and ignore bc he didnt want to ""ruin"" anyone else again by being too invested in the scoia'tael.

-unfortunately for iorveth, ciaran also fell in love with him, and after years of waiting when hes second in command, ciaran confessed

-iorveth flipped the fuck out because he was like. no. that cant be possible! im unlovable and i hurt people and im just going to ruin him!

-this is partially because of what happened with cedric, and partially because ciaran (although CERTAINLY an adult), is definately younger, and iorveth thinks he deserves better than him

-he knows what hes done for the scoia'tael and knows hes not a good person, and hopes that he can scare ciaran into leaving.

-it doesnt work. and they both end up crying.

-once they are together though, there is a definate change in their relationship vibe from iorveth and cedrics. they certainly sleep together and cuddle and do all the relationship things that cedric and iorveth did, but iorveth is clearly holding something back

-they decide that while they both love each other dearly, they cannot be in a health/stable relationship with just each other because its clear that iorveth is in no way able to properly be in a relationship at that moment

-they decide to open up the relationship and thats where vernon roche comes in

yeah. vernon roche. this is where iorveth sorta has a. oh fuck its a human moment.

-as you all know, roche was the leader of the scoia'tael in flotsams greatest enemy, the blue stripes, a special forces commando designed to stop the scoia'tael.

-after having a WHOLE enemies to lovers situation, they find themselves in a situation.

-they both love each other. and they are both two war criminals who FINALLY end on the same side after years of fighting (lets just say iorveth joined for the kaer morhen fight against the wild hunt) and it seems like everything is fine

-its not.

-first of all, they both have lots and lots of issues other than that they are both war criminals:

1. iorveth has never dated a human before, let alone a man he nearly killed and has nearly killed him on many occasions.

2. iorveth feels like hes betraying the ideals of the scoia'tael along with his parents for dating a human, and this feeling hits even moreso bc its roche.

3. iorveth has loads and loads of attachment issues, and even though he and ciaran still have their thing going on (that roche is aware of and understands), he still really hasnt been in any recent relationships that havent ended in someone leaving

4. iorveth really doesnt quite understand human customs other than what he can tell from spying. he spends lots of time in the woods and knows far more about trade routes to and from flotsam than he really knows of human culture. its almost embarassing.

5. iorveth sometimes gets worried its all a ploy to get roche to kill him and that theres plans to hurt the former scoia'tael due to anti-elf racism

moving onto roches issues, which while there are less of, they dont help:

1. as a child of a sex worker and single mother, roche found himself also getting involved in sex work, which gave him consent issues bc he really did have a choice in the matter bc it was do the job or starve.

2. hes a half elf but right before he was drafted into the army he cut the tips of his ears off to make him look more human. this makes it hard for him to connect w iorveth bc he really doesnt know elf customs, but doing human customs just never felt right

3. he also has some issues from his previous relationship w foltest, which was Not Even slightly healthy, and is still trying to cope w the realization that it was worse than he thought

all of this results in a lot of miscommunication, especially because iorveth (for a long time DURING the relationship) didnt know roche was half-elf and wanted to do all the elven traditions he hadnt been able to join. they dont know what the other wants, and they dont know what the other needs because once again. issues galore. iorveth also probably would be more able to get into fights than any other relationships (because unlike ciaran or cedric, roche is abrasive) which means that there would be a lot of hurt at the beginning of it.

HOWEVER, after they actually talk, and roche is like. hey im half elf, and more than willing to do things the traditional elven way (which iorveth is far more familiar and comfortable with), they sorta get into a routine of things.

and it begins to be a secure and steady and healthy relationship.

tdlr: iorveth has shitty self worth, trust issues and struggles with communication sometimes so things get muddled but when he falls, he falls hard. but the relationships hes in are very different depending on who it is. hes more comfortable with other nonhumans, but even before knowing roche is half-elf, he would give his life for them.

[flockofdoves]

i feel really really weird this week. trying to figure out what the fuck is going on. like its certainly not the first time i’ve felt like this in my life but ive just not had my emotions so . not numbed? in so long or felt like crying totally unprompted or felt vaguely angry at random shit in a certain sort of way (which for something new then makes me feel super guilty because i used to be bad with how i went about anger and i guess i never really fully learned how to practice being normal about it i just started constantly suppressing it along with every other emotion so seeing myself angry about inconsequential shit even if im not acting on it makes me feel awful like people are potentially seeing my reaction to them when its not a justified thing even if i dont think i’m doing anything). like sure those were super normal in past parts of my life. maybe even in the context of my job which i guess i only quit just like 7 months ago now even if i otherwise felt numb through the year before that too. and not something surprising to emerge again bc it has in the past year too but just maybe not so much at once but on top of that just feel a bit paranoid about stuff like people reading my mind or bugs crawling on me (or imagining sensations like that or seeing that or w/e)

i guess in typing all this out when i think about it the one time i felt like this this past half year that i can think of (or at least pretty similar and notable in the way i felt weird minus the anger. actually i didnt feel angry til the past few days so i think thats just at like. being around someone whos made vaguely bigoted comments that i’m affected by but then feeling guilty for reading the worst into unrelated shit bc of that making me feel unsafe) is when my brothers girlfriend visited. and now this past couple weeks she visited and then my uncle visited and then my moms friend visited and in general just theres more invitations to see other people even not staying w us bc everyones vaccinated.

so i guess the biggest factor throughout all of that is like. having to get used to interacting with people that i havent interacted with much in this past over 2 years of being isolated while also simultaneously having my daily routines disrupted by that a bit?? which feels absolutely insane to me that that would have That disproportional of an effect and be something i really did not even know how to attribute at all until typing this out right now. like i really appreciate and have fun with a lot of those people its not bc i dislike them or literally anything like that i think this is just a bit of a deranged unexpected side effect of whatever fucking stage of isolation i’m at where instead of just feeling really stilted in conversation or feeling like i dont know how to normally talk to people or accidentally crying while talking to people or oversharing and being awkward like i have at various times throughout my 2 years and 4 months of isolation when i had brief periods of interacting with people i cared about and/or people around my age again, while sure a lot of that is still somewhat happening (but not the crying in conversation, that was once when i got to see friends from college once literally right before i really realized the pandemic was starting and i couldnt keep visiting after not seeing them for a year before then. i just havent seen any of those friends since)  i think its like. not knowing at all how to act normally around people but also not being as used to the people i am newly interacting with while my routines interrupted so whether i want to make a good impression around them in spite of that or am trying to be normal about feeling upset about shit people i dont know well but cant just not be around say or whatever  ig it just like. flares up my anxieties about what can tell from what i say or how theey take me and all that leads to intrusive thoughts and paranoia about not just giving off the wrong conversational things but literally people reading my mind and judging me for intrusive thoughts recursive cycle etc and all that just makes me feel exhausted and unsafe and useless and whatever etc and maybe subconsciously is bringing up a lot of reocurring emotional shit i’ve dwelled on but not cried about much at all this past half year idk. plus i’m just stressed about how much i really want to get done before starting to move and go back to school.

makes sense in explaining most of it in typing it out right now but nonetheless dont like that. isolation has had a lot of awful effects on me (literally i know i’m talking to so many other people in the world now with that its nothing special lol. ‘i was doing this for a year prepandemic’ is a stupid thing to emphasize 1 year is horrible enough and it just blends together) and i’ve long been terrified thinking about how it could be affecting me in more unforeseen and/or longterm ways but i think i was thinking i had a general sense of how my trouble with interacting with people again would manifest and i really dont like seeing that like. i literally did not fucking know how to connect my emotions and other shit recently to that til right now. better than not connecting it at all of course but i dont like it feeling so unconnected. in general have been very disconnected from emotions even outside of social interaction type stuff so of course thats something to work on too but idk just scary to realize maybe i dont even know the general shape of how my trouble “reintegrating into society” is gonna look like lol. and while i’m hoping it will feel better (but honestly probably a lot more intense emotions even if positive) with realizing this know i really even more cannot even begin to imagine how seeing people ive been close to in the past again will end up going when i get to that

[throwing-summers-at-the-walls]

Hi, i hope you are feeling good! Im better than yesterday so i can finally answer you. First of all: i am so happy that you shared your fanfiction! i had a great time reading it! Im always open for more recs. Maybe your all time favorites? Or if you know some good h/c these are always welcome :) And YESSS please send me a link to your fanvids. -- yeah 13rw was super cursed. haha i also watched season 1 but thankfully i was able to sto watching becaue i could feel it making me feel bad (1)

I agree the suicide scene was just cringe (but i think i remember reading somewhere that they cut it out? idk) and overall this show just gave me the feeling that there was no hope and things are always getting worse instead of better and i hated that. but enough of that cursed show. can i just say i really admire how open you are about your feelings (like being suicidal and that) i realy, really admire this about you. i have so much respect for you that you can just share your feelings here (2)

I have never heard of ace attorney but that story you described sounds really good. and i get reading sth that isnt good for you and still doing it (because im a dumb bitch too :D) -- okay i might accept that Root will never grow on you (but i thought so too and look at me now :D) but i havent fully given up yet :)-- yes thats the girl. i think it was really sweet when she said that to Shaw. and i think Shaw appreciated it that someone tried to figure her out instead of just writting her off (3)

Shaw is really cool and definately also a badass and in combination with John its just great! but you will have to suffer trough some Shoot.  but maybe, maybe you will end up not hating Root. hope dies last (idk how the saying goes in english, sorry). -- Did you ever ship Caresse (in a romantic way)? cause sometimes i do and sometimes i dont and i get so confused about it :) but i think most of the time i like them more as friends. anyway her death really sucked and you are right with (4)

her death and them losing the library it felt like a different show (i mean i guess it was a different show then). i kinda get your feelings about the destroyed library because i also really loved it (and im really bad with change) but i dont think it affected me as much as you. but yeah i still missed the library very much. and while the subway is a really cool new place its not the same. (also the subway is super dark cause its underground and idk it just makes the whole thing less homey) (5)

Yes he is everything! such a great, interesting character and i wish there were more John-centric episodes! (like ones that explored his character more). that was one of my biggest dislikes of the later seasons that John wasnt featured as much anymore. i think he chuckled a few times in the show but a real laugh? i cant remember one :(  -- He did promise Joss to talk to Tyler so @show were is that talk? -- if seen the vid its awesome! thehiddenmemory has some great poi vids! (6)

yes i think so too. Like Grace would probably be relived and thankful that Harold is still alive and maybe they would even try again but eventually she would figure out that she cant trust him after lying to him for so long or sth like that and Harold would ofc realize that he is in love with someone else now. And then he finds out that John is still alive but stayed away cause he didnt want to get in the way of Harold/Grace. But then Harold comes back. And when they meet again John is like (7)

you came back for the machine? what about Grace. But Harold tells him he came back for John not the machine and then they kiss and have a happy live with Bear (sorry i got a little carried away here :D). -- Yeah Zoe is really hot and she needed more screen time! -- i hope you have a good day and i hope i havent messed up the numbers on the asks! :)

Hi ! I'm finally free from the resits, I hope you're doing okay with your thesis 💛

Sorry for replying late, there was the exam resits, and I read a bunch of fics, then I fell into pokémon and started bingewatching it. (Also I had a breakdown during therapy today so I'm gonna finish writing my answer to distract myself - it's been sitting in my drafts for so long rip)

Thank you !! It was a very personal thing, I'm really happy you liked it !! Your support and your comment made me thrive 💛💛

Tbh I was surprised to see it get kudos given that the only intended audience was my self projecting ass 🤣

So, my fav fics (my fav fic ever is in French, rip to y'all bc it's so good):

I am, I am, I am by RavenWhitecastle

Actually check the entire series this work belongs to: The Sinner and the Saint. I haven't finished it yet but I love it (I just skipped the explicit fics bc I don't like smut or sub!John)

Breaking All The Rules by talkingtothesky

Outsider Perspective by Neery

A Really Private Person by astolat

Hamartia (the hero's fatal flaw) by astolat

If Only for Tonight by spacemutineer

From Here, Where? by AKMars

Stroll by TheaNishimori

and the world was gone by lunarcorvid

a light that never goes out by vindicatedtruth

Limitations. by Michaelssw0rd

Reel you in and spit you out by Michaelssw0rd

All I Want For Christmas Is You by richmahogany

By What Power I Am Made Bold by brinnanza

Aftershocks by darringtons

At Certain Hours It All Breaks Down by nogoaway

construction of a kingdom by the_ragnarok

You Take Me Higher Than I've Gone by talkingtothesky

All Together Now by beadedslipper

I'll Let the Waters Still by brinnanza

Birthday Tradition by talkingtothesky

Things My Father Taught Me by KRyn

Truth is in the Eye of the Beholder by infiniteeight

Better Luck This Time by Lisztful

Motivations by JenNova

What's On the Table by cortue

In Another Life by Della19

I Thought We Already Were by talkingtothesky

Misunderstandings by thisstarvingartist

This is already fucking long omg so for the h/c: my bookmarks filtered with Rinch and h/c

Here's my playlist, it's mostly Rinch, but there are a few not Rinch vids, plus some scenes I like

This is long enough already, so it's time for a read more. Also, warning, we be talking about suicide

The portrayal of suicide is cringe most of the time anyway. If my suicidal ass can find a list of suicide methods and their lethality in 2 mins on Google you'd think writers who are supposed to do some research would be able to find them too but no they're like "ah yes slicing wrists" even though it's literally the shittiest method 🙄 (I just don't understand why slicing wrists seems to be such a popular method in the collective imagination ? It's weird.) At least in 13rw she took aspirin and cut herself vertically instead of horizontally but still, no hesitation wounds, and she dies even though she only got 4 wounds iirc ? I know more about jumping off bridges than slicing wrists, but it kinda sounds like bullshit to me. Also Netflix once suggested "beyond the reasons" to me, it's a sort of discussion with the cast and crew of 13rw and the only thing I remember is a moment of intellectual masturbation abt how they "opened a discussion abt suicide" 😬😬😬

They may have cut it out it's not impossible, idk I didn't hear about it, but it's not like I look for info about this dumpster fire lol. Maybe they faced backlash ? Wouldn't be surprised given how shit the show was. And yeah it has a hopeless vibe, I mean that's how it be when you're suicidal, but I didn't like it either.

You're sweet 💜💜 it's interesting that you find it respectable or admirable, I don't have an external point of view, so I'm just like 🤷 it is what it is. I understand where you're coming from though, I guess it's still quite a taboo subject, and suicidal people don't always feel comfortable talking about it, so me throwing around that I jumped off a bridge must be surprising. I'm detached enough from my suicide attempt that I'm able to talk about it without much of a problem, and I'm not really suicidal anymore.

Dumb bitches unite 👏👏👏 we be out there reading shit we shouldn't read

Yeah I think it's nice how the show didn't portray Shaw as a bad person for not having "normal feelings". Well, hope makes one live as we say in French (idk the English saying either lol) but don't hold much hope about me liking Root lmao

I used to ship careese bc they kissed in the crossing, but then I read some Rinch fics and I just ended up falling into it to the point where I stopped caring about careese. Now I think their relationship works better as a friendship.

Yeah all that change really puts me off... It just gives me "bad spin-off" vibes. Especially since there is less John :( and less Rinch :((((

Lmao yeah I just have a lot of feelings about early poi hgkfglrk. Also :/ I'm sad about the subway being less homey pls I just want happiness ?? I swear this show destroys my heart on top of owning my last braincell (brb changing my blog title to this lmao)

Mood I need all the John-centric eps, give me m o r e characterization and development and backstory and feelings hhhhhhh. I love him so much I just wanna spend more time with him. And that's what fics are for ! Yeah thehiddenmemory is so talented ! Astolat made some good ones too, on top of writing really good fics ! (Our fandom has been blessed with the presence of one of the ao3 founders hell yeah)

Also, remember how we talked abt the poi subreddit ? The other day I left a comment on there, wild I know. It wasn't a discussion about the last seasons though, I'm not crazy, it was about the impact poi had in our lives so I said it literally taught me English. Who knows maybe sometimes I'll comment again lol. I just don't wanna meet one of those people who prefer late poi over early poi.

Allow me to uuuuh write something based on what you said. Don't ask me how John survived with no major injuries, my man got that Thick Plot Armor alright. Hope you appreciate me getting carried away sjdkdksk it's kinda rushed and the first part isn't that good bc idk how to write Grace I'm just here for that sweet sweet Rinch stuff

Harold is eating breakfast with Grace in her kitchen – he can't think of her home as his home – when his phone vibrates. It's a text from the machine. It's a surprise, she barely contacted him since... He blocks the thoughts and the images coming to his mind. The machine sent him a picture. When he opens it, his heart misses a beat. Right here on his screen is a silhouette he thought he would never see again. His phone vibrates again. Another picture, this time it's unmistakably John, wearing his signature suit, Bear next to him. Transfixed, he stares at his phone until he feels Grace gently touching his arm. She goes straight to the point.

"Is it John ?" He looks up in confusion, but before he can say anything, she adds, "I hear you call him in your sleep every night."

"It's him, yes." He doesn't want to explain. He only wants to see John, to touch him, to tell him how much he loves him.

"You should go back to him. I like you, Harold. I am deeply relieved to see you alive. But I've been thinking, and... It's not working. This, us... You aren't really the man I fell in love with, the man I grieved... I can't trust you anymore." She doesn't say 'You lied to me' but Harold hears it all the same.

~

Harold sits on their bench. The machine indicated John often comes here. Soon enough, his arms are full of Bear, and John is standing in front of him.

"John. How are you ?" he asks when Bear finally calms down.

"Busy. And you ?"

Harold eyes him suspiciously – John once said he was busy when he was bleeding and way too close to death – but he seems to be well.

"I'm fine." He doesn't have time for awkward small talk." I thought you were dead. Why didn't you contact me ?"

"The machine told me you were with Grace. I thought you wanted to come back to your previous life. I didn't want to crash into it and ruin what you had."

Harold wants to be angry at him, but he understands. He did the same with Grace.

"You would never ruin anything. Besides, my relationship with Grace... didn't survive my lies. She's very dear to my heart, but she's a part of my previous life, as you said."

"So you came back for the machine, and the numbers, like the good old times ?"

Harold gets up from the bench.

"I came back for you. You are an important part of my life. The most important part."

John smiles, finally. He takes a step towards Harold, they're so close they could kiss. Harold reaches out, grips his shirt and slowly inches closer. He's still afraid of being rejected but John wraps his arm around him and kisses him. The kiss is over too soon. John's smile is even wider when they part.

"You're the most important part of my life too," he says before kissing Harold again. "You will stay ?"

"Always."

Damn I live for sappy Rinch stuff.

Bitches decided that Harold saying "always" is peak Rinch. It's me I'm bitches.

Also ofc I had to make a reference to number crunch, who do you think I am

Anyway. I hope you have a good day ! 💛

[radiantmists]

rhythm of war part two thoughts

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa  (spoilers through the second interludes under the cut, and at the very bottom some comments based on what i have to assume is a major spoiler for the entire book, or close to it, though i'm warning again beforehand.)

well, last things first: taravangian's working against odium! i'm super excited about this, and very happy about the support for the concept that Taravangian's compassion isn't his curse, it's just the division of his intelligence and compassion that's sthe problem.

so we've been able to talk to the sibling, who is mostly trying to help despite genuinely feeling that what navani is doing is wrong. except now they're locked away, and navani is under the direct scrutiny of rabaniel and messing around with her is going to be risky. that being said, we're on our way to some very interesting revelations about how investiture works on roshar:

the stormfather is purely of honor. the sibling is a mix of honor and cultivation. the nightwatcher is purely cultivation

the sibling should not be able to function on pure stormlight, because it's purely of honor.

lift may not run on stormlight at all-- we already knew she can't pull it from spheres.

adhesion, which is somehow a fake surge and purely of honor, is not totally cancelled by whatever rabaniel did to the sibling. from lift's interlude, neither is regrowth when she uses it, which if i had to pick is the surge i would choose to be purely of cultivation.

as far as we can tell, people can still draw in stormlight with no issue, they just cant use it to power surges.

windrunners, who bond honorspren, are less affected by the fabrial: this applies especially to kaladin and syl, and we know syl is different from other honorspren, older. my money is that she's in some way more fully of honor than the others. lift, who's been hugely modified by cultivation directly, is also immune. the edgedancers as a whole are not immune and apparently are reacting as badly as anyone else.

...syl notes in the last set of interludes that she's different from other honorspren, mentally. is this a byproduct of whatever she did to sneak out of shadesmar, or of her being older? interesting.

To me, this all implies that whatever rabaniel did interferes with how cultivation and honor interact. lift, who seemingly only uses cultivation's investiture, can power the surge that seems most directly associated with cultivation; kaladin, probably closest to honor, can do the surge that seems to be entirely honor. the regular edgedancers aren't immune at all because they run on stormlight; the windrunners are somewhat but not fully immune because they're almost fully of honor, but cultivation likely had some hand in the way honorspren were made after the shattering.

Regrowth really is a very odd surge, compared to the others, which seem to deal with much more fundamental physical forces.

the fused do have access to regrowth while powered by voidlight, though. interesting.

speaking of: did navani's weird sphere contain some kind of... cultivationlight? or maybe it's some kind of combination, and that's why the sphere exploded right around the time of rabiniel's experiments (or the sibling was drawing on it somehow?)

on a more immediate level, the current tower resistance is as follows: navani, under constant monitoring but she has the best chance to figure out how to fix this shit. kaladin, who's a mess, being hunted by the pursuer, and who's about to start getting suicide-baiting nightmares from odium, but he does know how to fight! lift, who's amazing and knows how to sneak around the tower but is being hunted by someone who i assume has to be mraize. and rlain, masquerading as a singer (im so worried about him i hope he's okay).

if this somehow ends with kaladin killing mraize to protect lift before he can give shallan answers, i'm going to fucking SCREAM.

speaking of frustrating things: lirin turn on ur location i just wanna talk. Kaladin was actually rebuilding himself until this whole invasion thing, and i don't understand how lirin can look at a man who's that committed to doing good, sees exactly what it is that drives him to kill, and then calls him a monster.

I loved Kaladin's efforts to deal with mental health care! He's in the unique position ofhaving way more political power than any medical professional, darkeyes, or mentally ill person could ever have hoped to have, and I really want to see him come back to this once the world is burning down a bit less again, especially because it genuinely seemed to be helping him.

navani's plots have sorta been subsumed into this whole plotline, but i enjoyed what we got-- the little episode with the other scholars taking bets on whether she'd use tomor's fabrial was adorable, and i also liked how clear it is that they look to her to make things work.

moving on, uh... shadesmar stuff.

adolin's making some progress at waking maya! she doesn't talk but she shows a clearly unusual ability to learn and make independent decisions. i love it.

...also the thing with notum's horse implies that ryshadium are sentient enough to imagine spren. that's fun, and also terrifying.

adolin offering to stand trial for the crimes of humanity is fascinating, but all i'm thinking about is the episode of avatar where he agrees to stand trial for kyoshi, except in this case we already know that humanity did actually do the thing he's in trouble for. it would be unjust to punish adolin for it, but... i worry.

especially because there are, apparently, new deadeyes. this isn't extraordinarily surprising as syl was two skips away from death (though, im curious, does it work differently if the spren's never been a blade prior to dying? or are there just deadeyes wandering around who aren't tied to blades?) but it is very alarming.

and then there's the other thing: pattern is lying to shallan. i frankly don't think it's as simple as him being a spy for the ghostbloods; we saw even here that he's a terrible liar, and to have concealed this he'd have to have been pretty impressive.

on the other hand there was clearly some shit going on between shallan, her family, and the ghostbloods when she first got pattern. he's admitted that he has more exposure to humans than most spren. it doesn't look great, honestly.

i also appreciate that brandon is acknowledging how fucking weird shallan's timeline is. hopefully we get some answers about this.

adolin and shallan's relationship continues to be adorable; the sequence with the starspren is lovely and i totally get why it's brandon's favorite chapter in this part. between this and part one, he clearly enjoyed how the shadolin came out in this book and i agree. the fact that his romances continue after the marriage, with issues beyond just jealousy, is one of my favorite things about sanderson books.

venli's whole set of pov's this part was about walking up to urithiru. i really do want to like her, but she spends a ton of time just following more dynamic characters around and observing in these first two parts, and if not for the juicy secrets rabaniel's been dropping, it would make me just want to get back to other characters. hopefully that'll change in the next few parts.

i was going to make a comment about how we havent even had flashbacks yet, but i just glanced at the POVs for the next part, so I guess those are coming. I do wonder if these eshonai flashbacks will be info venli knows, or what.

she did kill someone for the first time, and attuned the rhythm of the lost for the dead man. the whole incident disturbs her, and i appreciated that as the rest of our viewpoint characters are extremely accustomed to death. i'm interested in seeing how this affects her going forward.

the epigraphs are so exciting! sazed is writing to hoid again, but this time he's gotten his bearings and spoken to some new shards... ones we haven't heard from before! also he asks hoid to say hi when he's on scadrial, which, fair enough tbh. i dont remember whether hoid shows up much in mistborn era 2 but for some reason i have the feeling he is not going to oblige this request.

the epigraph where sazed mentions he wants someone who can both preserve and kill immediately made me think of kaladin. (i think this is what he ends up trying to do with wax, but shhhh) he and sazed would agree on a lot of things philosophically, i think. (omg au where kaladin ends up working for sazed?? i have no idea how this would work the idea just fascinates me.

...where are the heralds? did dalinar take them with him, or are they in the tower? if the latter, are they also passed out? probably not, since they're not radiants, right? although whatever they are is very investiture-dependent so who knows. vasher's probably alright.

why is odium afraid of nightblood? is he worried it could eat him?

lots of POVs for the next part, but no shadesmar crew, so i guess we'll find out whether adolin gets executed by honorspren later. i do wonder why so many pov's from the battlefront; i guess something more is going to happen along those lines than i'd really expected. crossed fingers for some actual insight into renarin, finally.

in light of said spoiler: holy god i hope that division (between taravangian's intelligence and compassion) doesn't continue, though I have the horrible feeling that it will. This puts sazed's discussion of the intent of a shard combined with the cleverness of its vessel into a terrifying light: a godlike being who is at his smartest when he's a complete sociopath is like, the worst case scenario,  not even taking into account that the odium shard is uniquely suited to make people act on impulses. this is so bad.

but i can't know the full extent of that until i read the context, so let's move on!

[poetic-beats]

You'll be ok. If you feel your not, You can talk to me. Take care of yourself.

Thank you so much <3  I am just overwhelmed by everything right now.  Like my partner having no job by January. My mental health. My physical health like this year so far I’ve been told I have CNS dysfunction and FGID. I am being tested for Celiac. Oh and they found cysts on my ovaries then they tested and said it wasn’t what it could’ve been and now because of issues I’ve had my female GP who handles my contraception which is due up in January wants me to have another uhh thing to check the cysts and have another blood test because turns out I could actually have it..and it could affect my chances to have children naturally - I know what it was like for my mum she has the same condition and so if i have it I’m scared even though things are different now they know more and have better options its still like D: It is like seriously though I’ve got two new things wrong with me although they havent yet like found the cause of the CNS dysfunction all the specialist could say is I hit some markers for Fibromyalgia but not enough but in her medical professional opinion I do have some form of CNS dysfunction but just not likely fibromyalgia my mum took me to see this specialist first purely because she has Fibro herself so she thought well lets start with an appointment with a rheumatologist who would like be able to check for fibro and a few other condtions. So I kinda need to like now see I think the next step is a neuropsychologist but like I’ve been so stressed and ill right now trying to fight for my mental health treatment/therapy so I’ve not been like exactly thinking about making appointments for the CNS stuff. But it is impacting me it makes me get involuntary like twitches/jerks it feels like a jolt like a little electric jolt i guess down my body but not painful as such but it just makes my body go like suddenly my arms jerked to the left or Ive thrown the food in my hand across the room because my arm/wrist/hand w/e has suddenly twitched or w/e but sometimes i get the like electric like w/e feeling its hard to explain it like across my whole body from my head to my toes and at that point it can lead to me just sort of on and off twitching a bit more like less aggressively but more often in a space of time i usually end up sleeping it off so idk really I pretty much just always pass out asleep when I get that kind of feeling. And like I wanna do stuff to like help ease his worries about money and the burden on him to support us financially and support me emotionally. But I’m not fit to work like not even a minor part time job really because I’d be so unreliable with the way my body is. I am also affected by sensory issues and other things so it’s just not I couldnt realistically right now engage in work for someone.  So I am trying to do like online things but I don’t...I...just I am getting kinda overwhelmed by that too. Cos I dont know where to start what to do. Like I do but I dont you know? I mean...idk...Ive sold 3 pairs of sloth socks which was cool in the past like 2 weeks or is it 3 now since like i started like really seriously uploading to redbubble like before that I kept like uploading then removing my designs trying out different sites and so on I was trying to figure it out but I do now have it kinda figured out so that’s something. But now its like I’ve gotta get people to my freakin’ redbubble and its hard cos how an earth do i drive people to check out my store from the millions of others on the site. But also like I dont wanna like.. Idk I feel like and even though I have explained my situation on here I still kinda feel like I try to do it in a like not serious asking for help way in that i dont want it to come off as idk like I dont wanna be that person where its like i dont wanna be coming off as oh please help me feel sympathy towards me and feel sorry for me or pity me bs. I dont wanna be like appearing to be all I’m in desperate need pls help signal boost or buy to support me. Cos I’m not you know I have my parents to help we’ll be moving back in hopefully before xmas where I won’t have to pay rent. For me this is more about you know when my parents aren’t there I need to have an income for me and my partner hes disabled too...so full time jobs for the both of us is not likely especially if his EDS (edlher danlos syndrome) gets worse ya know?  So I suppose my worries arent like of imminent threat of anything but more like in the future we’ll be fucked if i cant set down the foundations now for the potential for a long term income from various online strategies. But just even thinking about the future and that far ahead fucking terrifies me.  Not only because of all this but because I never really thought about the future I didnt see one for myself as far as I was concerned I’d be dead or I’d be just...idk I couldnt even imagine a future or if I thought I’d make it I wouldnt really care you know because I didnt have like that light in me to want to live so it wasnt like I wanted to survive and thrive and i couldnt see a ‘happy ending’ for myself and now i can and I want to make that come true but of course its a bit hard to envisage a nice happy future with Kade when literally everything depends on having money to eat and have a roof over our heads etc and its just..UGH

I feel like trash too because I feel like my worth is valued by my output/labour and at the moment my output isn’t really bringing in cash right now so my output wouldnt exactly be deemed as ‘good’ idk its just weird its not like an I feel worthless thing like depression low self esteeem shit its more just a sort of social cultural consensus/belief that is ingrained that we are not really worth anything unless we’re contributing to society i.e working , paying taxes and buying things to reinvest in our economy etc etc..everything is about how much a human is worth in value of £ssss to big corporations and governments and rich people and idk its just like...they do have a point you know i cant just sit around and not do anything to contribute..because..then i feel like you know im not ‘sick enough’ to warrant that so im just in this limbo i guess completely self enforced by my mind which just makes it all the stupider but it is what it is. Venting this out has helped clear my mind some cos i mean at least its now out there in this void than just bouncing around my brain. Its why i write poetry too I guess idk why I just feel a release less tension SOMETIMES not all the time but sometimes it can help ease even if only slightly the chaos of my mind to just get it out there whether by chatting in person or writing it out like this just having it out there venting to someone or on a blog where people will read knowing like its not isolated within you still its relieving sometimes. So thanks for messaging me!  I hope you are having a good day so far! Idk timezones or where u r so it could be early there for you maybe your day is just starting..who knows! Its 2:37pm where I am right now though so I need to work  or try to...(yet again me feeling if i dont work constantly I be like failing at life) lol

[echoingarmy]

the death of a bottle of cheap, pink wine every friday because tomorrow’s finally saturday, so nobody cares and i can just lay in bed and wallow in self-hate. and the odd dancing until i cant feel anything but music, even though ive always hated dancing. still do.��

the piano recordings of my favourite band’s songs because i need time to think, i need space for my own thoughts and lyrics are distracting but i cant stand the silence, i need background noise every second of my life because even when there’s time for some thinking i can’t live with just myself. and always somehow accompanied by the bitter desire to play the piano, the thing that i never got the chance to learn even though its my favourite sound in the universe. 

the endless list of things to watch, read, listen to, find out more about, learn. the list i never actually wirte up, just keep bookmarked in the browser or sadly shoved in the corner of my mind. things that im excited and curious about, things i know i want to do. but never actually get around to them because im never in the right mood, am too tired, it would require too much attention and energy that i dont have. id rather watch the thing ive watched four times already. forget about the fact that my memory is shit and im basically incapable of memorizing new things currently and with a sense of accomplished, assured success.

the frustration of my own indecisiveness, no ability whatsoever to make a decision. or making a decision - seeing it didn’t turn out bad, im having a good time actually. but id still rather be home, alone, in front of my laptop and just not with you. or anyone else, its not personal, baby, i just hate everyone. or maybe i hate myself so much that i cant imagine anyone ever possibly wanting to spend time with me, so i always feel like an uncomfortable burden and i dont want to subject anyone to that. 

the line i just read on a blog i havent visited for months ‘fight or flight, but nobody ever talks about just freeze‘ and the realization that for me it’s barely ever fight or flight, it’s either flight or freeze. and in most cases i freeze. freeze instead of making a dream come true, freeze instead of eating, freeze instead of watering my plants, freeze freeze freeze. i could still technically simply do those things, but i choose not to. i leave myself hanging in the lack of decision, waiting - never knowing for what. 

not saving any money, spending what i have on useless things that maybe very temporarily make me faux-happy because whats the point in saving, really? its not like i have that much of a future to make it count.

the unhealthy realtionship with death that is the most resonating remainder of years of depression. the im not actively suicidal anymore, dont worry thats not entirely true because yes, i dont take two steps closer to the railways every time i see a train coming. yes, this is probably the happiest ive ever been in my life. yes, i am excited for many things that are going to happen sometime soonish. but im also desperate for an end, im desperate to know how long ill have to keep all of this up. 

the repetitive is it worth it, constantly in my head, the ugly awareness that there are so little things that make me happy for long enough. waiting for the best day of my life? what if it’s already happened? what if what i got so far was the peak, what if. 

the almost ten hours every day - going to work. a good job, an easy one, fitted to my abilities and limitations. somewhat challenging but managable for someone like me. but what about those almost ten hours of i dont want to be here. what about the 8-8-8 system thats supposedly eight hours of work, eight hours of social life and eight hours of sleep? thats all bullshit. eight hours of work actually mean i have to get up at 6, spend an hour on getting ready for work and then commuting for almost another hour. and after work i still have to go back home, i cant just teleport and be free. social life requires too much - energy, awareness, emotions - so i stay home, get online and drown in things that arent real in the context of my eistence. yes, theyre very real as lifes separate to mine, but the correlation is broken here. they affect my entire being, but i have no bearing on anything outside my screen. i cut on sleep to stay in the cyber-reality, countless words seeping through my tired brain, sounds, notes and screams filling my head. 

the imperative to call my father because if i dont he will get pissy again and nobody wants that. i suffer every time i even think about him, talking to him is excrutiating because every word coming out of his mouth is a lie, a skewed piece of reality that is all in his brain. gaslighting, abuse and drunken guilt-tripping all veiled under a murmured i will always love you and your sister no matter what. fuck you.

him. being nice to me for some reason, maybe genuinely liking me, probably just needing me for that one thing and then ready to throw me away. i can see how different we are, how much our lives dont meet in almost any aspect of what matters. and thats okay, its alright to have different opinions and interests and personalities - its what makes us human and interesting. but how do i tell you i can never see myself with you? how do i tell you i already know we dont fit? youll laugh it off, youll call me out on my pessimism, youll say you cant know unless you try. but baby, i have already tried. not with you, with other people. and it always ends the same way. alone. how do i tell you i still want you to kiss me, regardless of all that. 

[idontwantshitanymore]

TW everything maybe?

i want to rant to myself, i genuinely am tired of this. the notes app is fine but i mean this is my notes app now. im tired, of people, of dealing with things and emotions, of myself, of reality mostly. i always feel out of place, always literally every single time, i hate how its always as if im wearing a mask, waiting for the mask to fall off, then sitting in my room alone at night sad, because why couldn’t anyone see me? since this is a long rant and im a spoken essay addict, as im speaking this to myself, i will section this into ranting sections:

1) i hate myself. i hate everything about me, and not in a quirky outcast way, and not in the way that i Dont Acknowledge that im “loved” or whatever no, i hate myself because i know that whenever im “loved” it’s because im pretending to be what people like but in reality im disgusting and bored. i hate the way i talk and what i talk about how awkward i am. i hate that i stand in no where and fit in no place and i am as temporary as a stupid dress for some occasions. i hate how i look like and like aside from body like my smile sucks it’s wrapped to the side, my eyes are too small and my voice is too squeaky and breaks and gets too high sometimes. i hate that i only notice it when im back home. i hate where i live and how lazy and frustrating i am.. too bossy too hazy too weird.. im too much. too much.

2) i hate reality. i feel like im always less. and that feels shit because i also feel ungrateful because im not technically broke poor or unbearably ugly or in a completely broken family.. but they are also shit. i cant buy a single tshirt without contemplating how that will affect my budget. i though have to sit and watch people buy shit like money is water. i cant stand confidently or take a normal picture and will consider sewerslide if someone took my picture because i cant bare how ugly i am but to normal standards im “fine”. my parents are still together and they are alright to each other but i havent had a conversation with my dad like a full conversation apart from hello in approximately idk 5 years?? more? and we live in a 3 bedroom apartment together i see him everyday. i just dont actually see him do i? and my mom just shouts all day everyday until no end and then showers me with “care” then calls me selfish when i dont give it back or am not as active and happy as she is.. mental illness doesn’t exist here and i forget about that but reality is reality. not just mental health but actually everything doesnt exist here, dreams are wack and if i ever came out id be most definitely hunted. i cant travel anywhere because visas are actually a thing and i never can get any plus im broke. so my reality is.. forever alone in the closet wearing things i dont want to wear and saying things i dont mean and never having a family and never getting out of here.. i really should just d1e

3) i hate food. i hate myself before i hate food but i also hate food. i hate that im not skinny enough im not boney enough.. but im not sick enough i never was never will probably cuz im a coward. all my mental shit is in my brain, and sometimes i lay down just to imagine myself taking my insides out just to feel empty.. because im weak and i cant st@rve properly. i also dont taste food.. its been 3 and a half.. and food tastes like plastic to me.. i havent enjoyed a single meal in 3 and half years or even more honestly.. i cant fucking eat properly i just binge on plastic tasting things i want to rip myself apart.

4) i partially hate people around me. they arent bad people they are just good until im not what they want. until i dont play the role. until its no fun. good until im too mentally ill but no im faking that shit why such a bad mood, good until im too angry why am i such a rude person.. good until im not good enough. i also hate how jealous i get if they lose weight or if they are suffering because no i want to be the one that suffers the most.. i most probably deserve to just for thinking that. i like them i do and i care for them but it gets too much when im faced with my own ugliness that comes with dealing with people.

5) i loved my best friend. until she said that it never fucking mattered because it wasnt romance. i broke her heart but i too fucking hurt.. she liked me and thats alright and flattering but its not my fault i didnt feel the same. not my fault i dont want romance i can barely love anything. i dont want a girlfriend or the commitment or anything. it hurt because then was all her care and love just because she thought i liked her too.. just cause she thought she’d earn a lover? is this how it works? unconditional love my ass there was a condition they just trying to hide that cuz its too ugly to see the truth. i tried helping and being there and talking and communicating just because i never wanted to hurt her but no im the bad guy.. im the ugly ugly person and the toxic manipulator.. who also has their most known info about them that they never fall for friends and never take hints.. but ig no She Had To Be The Exception.. whatever im actually disappointed beyond belief.. i thought i can trust someone but ha ha fool is me.. no more trusting anyone everyone wants the mask on Everyone.

6) i hate my anger issues. it would be fine almost fine until something as minor as my brother touching my teddy bears and my anger rises like a fucking monster. why am i so angry all the time.. angry enough to st@b myself through the heart.. and it starts.. those stupid trials to stop being so angry that i get angrier and someone points it out and i get even more angrier and boom time to add barcodes to myself because i cant deal with the fucking anger.. and ok it would be fine at least if the anger was justified but no im just a bitch to everyone and moody as fuck and never can do anything because my brain doesnt work like ever.

in conclusion.. i as a whole am a creature that should’ve been de@d at least 3 years ago but didnt.. and now im just dealing with the fact that i wasnt. what a fucking nuisance. my whole existence is and the fact that im complaining in Parts about things mostly my own fault is insane. so ungrateful so unoriginal i must fucking end it i genuinely have to cuz this is too much. too fucking much and the future wont get me anywhere i should save my family the money.

[crystal-mocha]

Rant 3

Okay I got the right font sorted out.

Im moving houses tomorrow. All of my futniture is at my new house except my mattress. So im stuck sleeping in this dark room, by myself on a mattress which is just on my floor.

I guess other people have it worse though. Im sat in the bath right now. I dont usually have baths but it just felt needed today. Im 17 and a straight white male having a bath at 1am. Most people think I have it good, and I do but my mental stability doesnt.

I lay here with the water 2 inches above my chest. I have lil peep playing on my phone thinking how I kind of relate to him? You'd argue that I dont but I think I might.

Oh and that TV show, bojack horseman. Everyone relates to at least one character but not usually Bojack himself. I do relate to Bojack though, well thats what I think. He's written to be unliked, is that how I am?

It would make sense.

She didnt text me today. Thats not her fault though. I texted her first the past couple of days but not today. She didnt text first. I didnt either. If she wanted to talk she wouldve said hi or something.

Why am I complaining? I did this to myself. Its my fault remember. I was toxic to her in the past, she had an abortion last Saturday and she broke up with her Ex of 8 months a little over 1 week ago.

Am I stupid. Of course she wouldnt want to talk with all of that on her mind. Oh god I live her still. Its hard.

The bath has gone cold. Hah relatable.

She added me to her private story of snapchat. She uploaded a cute short video of her smiling. Her looks have changed which I dont mind at all. Long silky black hair. Pale skin. Black lipstick and black eyeliner. Shes goth but I know that so I dont know why I said that.

Shes so pretty, so so fucking pretty then Im sat here feeling sorry for my 5'7-built-like-a-stick self. I dont even look attractive in the slightest.

I really do feel stupid writing this. Why am I doing this? Is it for attention? For people to feel sorry for me?

But like I said yesterday, I feel trapped. I cant talk to her, I cant talk to anyone so this stupid tumblr post is all ive got.

Im sorry for hurting you Charlotte.

Yesterday I said I would like you to find this but with how pathetic Im sounding right now I dont think I would want you to see.

I took art in college because I have a wonderful imagination, I will give me that. But all I can think about is how sweet the dark colour of red would look like in the bath if I slit my wrists and throat. Not a bad idea but Ive packed my razor away and Its at my new house.

I dont even have wifi, im using my data but at least it helps me cope.

Its been 15 minutes since I started this rant or whatever the fuck this is. Im still waiting for a text off her but I know she wont. She wont. She hates me so much and I feel so powerless. What do I do..

Suicide genuinely seems like an option. I need the pain to stop.

Im starting my second year of college in a week. These 6 weeks off have been utter shit. Ruined myself. And going back to school is going to get so much worse.

I want a hug. A shoulder to cry on. Some human affection but that feels so distant.

Why would she add me to her private story but not text me at all today? Im confused. Was I supposed to comment on her looks? Thats the first time Ive seen her in over a year. Was I supposed to say something? Was she making me jealous? I dont get it. I dont get much aha.

Truth is I know Im scared to get out of the bath. I know I'll break down again. I dont want to move, I dont want to live but I think ive stretched that enough and Im now getting annoying.

Asking all these questions, feeling sorry for myself, calling myself pathetic only makes me even more pathetic. Isnt that right Kayden? I dont have to answer that, I know im not overthinking either, Ive always been self aware.

If I could go back in time 3 years, 2018, what would I tell my younger self. Well Id be 14, 2 years into my depression or whatever this shit life is. Id tell myself to save myself all this pain and kill myself. Telling a child to kill themselves sounds horrible but its fine because that child is me. I should've done it.

My mum attempted to kill herself a year ago now. She survived after 3 days in hospital. She wouldve OD'd. We've all become aware of the signs after that but they only focus on her. Why cant they see I'm struggling? I cant kill myself now after seeing what my mum's attempt did to my Dad and my sister.

No way out. No way to escape. No way to just be happy. Im so alone.

The bath is cold. Ive said that havent I? Im so alone in this stupid bath. Im so sad.

Please at least say 'night' or something Charlotte.. something, anything to show that I've crossed your mind at least once today. Please.

Well I'll get out of the bath now. Ive been writing for 31 minutes. If I dont write tomorrow then I'm hopefully dead. Lol

[blackvail22]

16 may 2021

tw // suicide

side note- im embarrassed to share this experience with you, but i’m doing it anyways.

2:56pm - my friend has been threatening thay he’s going to kill himself rn and im trying to hard fo help him ans make sure he’s okay but i dont know what to do. i was on a call with him, and he sais he had to go and he hung up and now he’s not answering me and im so scared abdullah im so scared i havent cried this much or been so scared for years i dont want him to die

update: i believe he’s okay now. god, that was terrifying. i cant imagine what i would do if he actually did it. i still feel in shock but im crying as well. im gonna watch one of my favorite animes and hopefully i feel better afterwards.

6:57pm - okay. i need to vent about the whole situation that happened earlier because i just... i just have to.

so, one of my friends liked me. let’s call him k. k told me he wanted to be more than friends with me. i said “okay” and we tried it out. i realized that i couldn’t be more than friends with him because i was still getting ov3er my last relationship, so i told him that i wasnt ready to be in a relationship with him. he was okay at first... and then he just.. wasn’t.

he said, “y’know what? i’m gonna do what i should’ve done last month” even though i knew where it was gonna go, i asked what he meant. he said “die, Die, DIE”, meaning that he was going to kill himself. i was already panicking at this point, and i just kept panicking and panicking. i kept telling him “no, don’t do it, k. there are so many people that care for you. you are loved, k. don’t do it” i was in a call with one of his friends and his cousin, so i asked them to message him because i was worried about him. i was starting to cry now, and they were like “look... i’m sure he’s fine.” i told them what was happening, and they said that he’s going to be fine. i didn’t believe them. k kept telling me to leave him alone, but i didn’t in fear that he would do it while being left alone. i told him i would leave him alone if he would stay on a call with someone. he said “fine. you going to leave me alone now?” i asked him to send proof that he was on the phone with someone, and then he called me.

he didn’t sound like himself. at all.

he kept asking me, “you think i’m crazy, don’t you?” his tone of voice sounded...out of himself? like, he was having a mental breakdown, and you could genuinely tell. he kept laughing, but his laugh... it wasn’t his. it sounded... it sounded like he was going insane inside of his brain. i kept asking what he was doing, and he told me the same thing each time. there were times where it just sounded like he was choking, and i kept saying his name until he would answer me. he told me “it’s time for me to sleep forever *laughs*” after a little bit of me begging him not to, he lied and said, “i have to go. my mom’s home. bye jordyn” and... no, the way he said bye to me... i can’t. it was so scary. i just thought of it and im crying because of it. it sounded like he was actually going to do it.

i messaged his cousin to make sure k was okay because he stopped responding to me. k was okay when his cousin called him, and his cousin told me that he just needed to be left alone by me. i understand it.

about two hours ago, k called a groupchat with me and our friends in it and asked if we wanted to play a game together. while we played, he kept doing the same laugh from the other call.

sometimes when i think about that laugh or the way he said “bye jordyn” i start to choke. i literally lose all air and start choking for a few seconds. i also have this constant pain of anxiety in my chest as well as my entire body feels numb. it’s terrifying. this was so traumatic for me.

i almost led someone to end their life on accident? who knew love was so fucking deadly.

*i know that sometimes when someone says theyre going to off themselves during a rejection or breakup, it’s a form of manipulation, but i literally cannot help but try to stop them. the amount of friends and family that have attempted and i was helpless... i couldn’t stand not trying to help. i was still helpless in this situation though. i never stopped him. i just kept making it worse. god, abdullah... i’m so helpless? this... GOD im useless

10:45pm - i have homework due in the morning but i’m so drained. everything lately, especially today, has been too much, and i just… i cannot do it.

12:11am (2020-05-17) - my eyes still burn from how much ive cried today lmao im just gonna go to bed i hope i dont have nightmares about it

oh- something i just thought of. idk why but what happened today affected me more than when i saw my dad almost kill himself & my mom while drunk, and then watch him get drove off in a cop car lmao

[chimcharstar]

I ASK EVERYTHING FROM ANGEL TO WOBBLY

COMING RIGHT UP

♡ cute asks ♡

angel; do you have a nickname?

G!

awe; how old are you?

21

baby; favorite color?

purple

bloop; spirit animal?

i know what youre trying to do bug

blossom; favorite book/movie/song?

my favourite movie today is always be my maybe. do yourself a favor and watch keanu reeves act his heart out

blush; what was your stuffed animal as a child?

lucky, a little white tiger. i still have her.

breeze; most precious childhood memory?

maybe my mom making me tea or something. ow ow nostalgia

bright; mermaids or fairies?

fairies

bubbles; do you have a best friend?

YEAH

buttercup; showers or baths?

showers

butterfly; dream destination?

maybe ... the countryside, but one i havent been to before?

buttons; are you religious or spiritual?

yes, very. while feeling at war with it all the time cause of the gay angst. but lbr. i prayed for some coffee and i got some. i also pray when some real shit is happening. its just my nature. i have a very strong intuition when im not panicking. TOO BAD MY PARENTS DISHED OUT TONS OF SPIRITUAL ABUSE I CANT REALLY HEAL FROM

calm; favorite scent?

this candle that has vanilla in it. i like the smell of vanilla because it smells sweet and im like. !!!! kindness!!!

candlelight; what did you dream about last night?

i dreamed my siblings were all bickering and blaming each other endlessly and saying cruel things, and i was trying to tell them to stop but my voice was hoarse and no one could hear me. the voice part makes more sense when you consider i lost my voice talking lots at the Job and ive been Way too worried about it and its also a Passing thing

charming; have you ever been in love?

yes... overrated

cozy; eye/hair color?

red hair green eyes

cuddly; what’s your favorite time period?

the afternoon when i can take a walk with some coffee and music or, faceplant on my bed and fall asleep on the spot and then wake up feeling very well napped

cupcake; favorite flower/plant?

i really like bonsais. or ... whatever type of bonsai i keep buying. they grow fast so you can notice their progress, they can survive bad mental health weeks, and you can shape them, they kind of grow with you

cute; what did you get on your last birthday?

i .... forget a lot. i forget these kinds of things. i hope it doesnt mean it didnt matter to me. i remember being really lonely on my last birthday and pretending not to be and then crying to my diary that no one is allowed to read

cutie pie; most precious item you own?

any bonsai, any jacket, thats my soul. or my phone lol

cutsie; what makes you happy?

people saying small nice things

daisies; describe a moment when you felt free.

just the other day when i was starting to play stardew valley again and i had some tea i think... 

daydream; how do you want to be remembered?

i want to have been Known as more than just shy and polite

daylight; favorite album of all time?

idk of all time, but say you will by fleetwood mac FUCKS, i will destroy my ears on public transit with that

dear; zodiac sign?

sagittarius

delightful; concerts or museums?

?????? N/A unfortunately

dimples; have you ever written a letter?

yes, i have written all sorts of letters, not snail mail but yknow... that is my jam. i have used it for good and evil

dobby; dream job?

writer of , books or screenplays or something

doll; how do you like to dress?

behold my array of gay jackets. hoods... gay layers... with some flowers. i have some shit with flowers on it. an old man complimented me on a train once. because im amazing

dovey; any paranormal/magical experiences?

my roommates say theres a ghost dude downstairs but ive never seen him. not really actually.

dreams; do you want or have any tattoos?

no, and ive thought about a tattoo but im like... i cant imagine picking a decoration and then being satisfied with it for the rest of my life, and being so... open like that, i change my mind and worry too much...

drizzle; do you believe in aliens?

yes bitch. theres water on mars im sitting here patiently

euphoric; talk about someone you love.

the demigirl reading this

fairy; do you have a pet?

no :(

fluffy; ocean or mountain?

mountain... no ocean.. im feeling ocean

forever; where do you feel time stop?

i havent felt like that in a looong time. maybe this one place with streams, when its raining really heavily and everythings Gushing

froglet; are you a good plant owner?

i have kept... 5 bonsais alive for a while.

garden; how many languages do you know?

one. with some rocky french that makes me ACTUALLY want to learn french, and then frustratingly be on the brink of speaking french

gem; who are your favorite tumblrs?

i cant find the name right now but they make this pixel art and put sentences that are kinda so gentle and pining... i love it

giggles; what is your aesthetic of choice?

homemade coffee in a messy kitchen with some sun coming in, youre kind of sleepy

glittery; do you like anons? why/why not?

yes!!! i wanna talk!!!!!

glow; list the top 5 things you like about yourself

ok... i know how to be Respectful, im a strong person, im good with self-expression, i like my voice... AND IM CUTE

heart; silk or lace?

silk

honey; coffee or tea? how do you take it?

coffee, so much sugar and a bit of scream.

hugsy; do you enjoy people watching or bird watching more? why?

BIRD WATCHING. because watching people can get awkward real fast, and birds dont give a fuck. birds are fat little boys jumpin around. they dont worry about their jobs. i respect that. 

hunnybunch; what sounds help you sleep?

Harmonious People Noises. i dont actually listen to sounds going to sleep when maybe i should. because of how i grew up im fine listening to music or people playing instruments falling asleep, even with the light on

jewel; what’s your favorite kind of weather?

that part of autumn where its colourful and not too cold not too hot, and sun everywhere

jiggly; what do you usually like to do on weekends?

i do stuff like take walks and do a few errands and water plants... and just chill and enjoy not having pressing stuff to do. 

joy; do you laugh loudly or giggle more?

i am a serious giggler but i recently got a booming laugh, or it sounds like that to me

kinky; do you blush easily?

no. apparently not. but sometimes i feel my face heat up and then im really, really counting on it that that doesnt mean im blushing because its at the worst possible times to blush

kisses; what romantic cliché do you wish for most?

SOULMATE... SOMEONE I DONT HAVE TO SAY GOODBYE TO...

kitty; what’s your favorite time of the day?

i feel like i already answered this but ill pick a different time. evening is nice because im a night owl and i focus better and i can relax and do whatever

ladybug; what’s your favorite artist to listen to when you’re sad?

fleetwood mac and bLAST it on public transit

love; what is your favorite season and why?

autumn, because pretty, haloween

lovey; what is your favorite flavor of macaron and ice cream?

i dont know about macaron but that cookie dough ice cream is some good

magic; what are five flaws you have?

overthinking, clinging to comfort zone, procrastinating, isolating, either i dont stand up for myself or i do it too harshly

moonlight; do you prefer soft pastels, warm neutrals, or cool darks?

they all sound so lovely im feeling warm neutrals rn

munchkin; what do you look for in your significant other?

emotional labour, similar energy level

paddywack; how would you describe a perfect date?

I JUST WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH SOMEONE and there has to be food

pebbles; how do you spend free time by yourself?

doing THIS... all my free time... is basically by myself

precious; what is something valuable that you learned in your life?

you dont have to be useful to be valuable. you deserve love just because you exist, and even if you feel strongly that everything sucks, that could be your comfort zone talking. im having a mental health week

pretty; do you like to cook or bake more?

cook. id bake but then i eat stuff that doesnt make my stomach as happy

prince; how would you describe your handwriting?

oh its GORGEOUS. i have been practising my handwriting in my Diary for Months.

princess; do you play any instruments? if not, are there any you wish you could play?

yes, piano mostly... ive been feeling Urges to play guitar lately that have surprised me

prinky; how do you relieve stress?

doing something restful/mentally restoring like taking a break or talking calming things to myself

pumpkin; what is your favourite kind of fruit/vegetable?

LOVE THAT ZUCCHINI...F RY THAT BITCH WITH GARLIC AND ONION...

rainbow; what was the last line of the last book you read?

i have not read a book

roses; what is the most significant event in your life so far?

realizing im trans

smile; what is one thing that has greatly affected you?

ill think of a nice one, moving away from my parents, theres been so much healing

shine; art or music?

MUSIC

shimmer; do animals tend to like you?

yes

smitten; do you collect anything?

bonsais?? 

smoochies; how many pillows do you sleep with?

one

snuggle; what is your favourite candy?

chocolate, any,

snuggly; do you have a camera? if so, what kind?

phone camera, ithas all these cool filters and things it can do, it says my plants are food

sparkle; do you wear jewelry?

occasionally. its mostly the black tourmaline bracelet

spooky; sunrise or sunset?

sunset, that is the beautifulest

sprinkles; do you like to listen to music with headphones or no headphones?

with headphones. i just ... maybe this is a growing up thing but i cant imagine Taking Up Space playing my music out loud... then other people can judge my music choice... theyd Know things about me... 

starlight; what was your favourite show as a child?

save ums. i have this answer ready to go. that is because after five i stopped having a tv

soft; describe your favourite spot in your house.

my rooooooommmmmmmmmm my BED

soothe; digital or vinyl?

digital? what is this about?

squeezed; who do you miss right now?

my sister. she always says i never hang out but ... she doesnt seem interested in things i actually like... she tries and she cares but...

sugary; what traits do you value most in friends?

loyal, honest

sunshine; do you prefer for things to be practical or aesthetically pleasing?

practical, i just cant focus on aesthetic because then i get way too picky with eeeverything

sweet; do you find it easy to open up?

NO, unless i am on tumblr where there are no Laws. or it depends on how easy the person is to talk to.

sweetie; do you like kids? if so, do you ever want to have any?

yes, yes but NOT RIGHT NOW, i think kids are really Good, theyre simple and honest

thimble; is there somebody you look up to? who are they?

i look up to the Bosses at my work, i mean they seem like they try really hard and do a good job and they have to lead everyone else too i respect that

toot; what is something you find unique about yourself?

the emotional intelligence dial. it is maybe too far. but im realizing that isnt so common.

tootsie; what kind of friend are you?

i hope, at least the kind i would want. probably very energetic, with negative or positive stuff

treasure; what was something that made you smile today?

another person at work called me by my last name. i find this funny because 1) it sounds funny to just shout 2) why are they all so fascinated with it .... yknow its because they wanted it to see if it was ramsay. did they seriously think. bunch of cooking nerds. is this their new power move.

velvet; are you an early bird or a night owl?

niGHT OWL

whiffle; if you could have a magical power, what would it be?

shapeshifting

whimsical; do you prefer doing stuff at home or going out?

home, but i would enjoy going out with the right people i think. which has never happened.

whiskers; do you usually wear makeup?

no

wiggly; are you a messy or tidy person?

tidy

wispy; do you like the place where you grew up? do you think you will live there when you get older?

yes, and no. my heart is set on being Out in the Nature though. i dont know if i can really really go back to where i grew up. theres so many complicated and painful feelings around it, and im not really welcome. 3

wobbly; have you ever wished upon a star?

yes, i wish on all kinds of stuff all the time

[tiny-tragedies]

thinking about the ex today. it’s funny--i don’t normally think about her, or try not to. because it hurts, and i know i should be over it (am over it, mostly, even if the lingering impacts are what caused me to lose all my friends, my support network, so much more)

but today, i am thinking about the ex’s other ex gf. we’ll call her V.

V and the ex dated, and during this time I was in love with the ex, and all three of us were close. when i dated the ex, V and the ex were still dating (all poly, all known, not cheating or anything). I’ve kissed V, before. V’s comforted me. 

it’s been years since we talked probably. V doesn’t care for me, I am sure, and I can only imagine I am bad memories for her, if I am any memories.

i can’t stop thinking about her.

can’t stop thinking about how even though i kiss awfully apparently, V was polite when she said it: “interesting”. i think about those bad nights, where V came by, actually sat with me, didn’t get caught up in the People of things, treated me like *i* could be a person. i think about how she complimented my art, which is nameless and faceless, just colors and useless shit i try to use to get emotions out and fail to do. 

i think about how we almost kissed--for us, not for the ex like before. the ex had left the room, and V and i stood there, maybe a foot apart, tension between us. i am sure i read the room right, that V wanted to kiss me too. it couldn’t just be me feeling it. but neither of us did, because i’m a fucking scared pussy who can’t initiate anything and she, she was respectful, and also probably put off by me. 

there was tentative affection there— careful, like they were both worried about fucking things up and didn’t know exactly how to proceed.   [x]

i think about the time the ex and V had awkward piv while i lay in bed next to them, not secretive, fully aware i was there and awake and kinda of a participant in some strange way, and i wanted to participate but was too scared, too caught up

Jack knew all about how Jesse looked collared for Gabriel; how he sounded, the way he moved, the scenes they did together.  Jesse knew all the same things about Jack, and it hovered unspoken in the air between them, a tension neither of them could cut through. [x]

i think about the time V and i touched the ex together, me on one side of the bed, the ex between us, but it was all three of us sharing that moment. think about the time V and i first kissed, and the ex was focused only on her, oh that’s how she looks doing that.

“Keep going,” he said, voice raw.  Fragile in a way that made Jesse feel both powerful and terrified.

He hadn’t considered what this would be like for Gabriel.  Both the men he loved, learning the taste of one another. The touch, the scent, the sound.  [x]

i think about the time i cried on my floor, afraid to want to date the ex, because i loved her so, so much in a way i shouldn’t, i loved her so deeply and desperately and she didn’t love me quite as much back. but she said we could date. and V was fine with it. V was fine with the ex’s fiancee. and V was fine with me. even though she broke up with the ex later because the ex’s choice in another partner, because V “couldn’t do poly” when clearly it was just that person. because *i* was okay. i was just me.

He slept in there every night he spent on base.  He laid in Gabe’s bed, and talked back and forth with Jack on a holoscreen on a weekly basis, if not more often.  He wasn’t walking into a firing line.

It was just Gabriel and Jack.  [x]

and right now, i can’t stop thinking about how when V and the ex broke up, V and i talked (because i was the only one who Got it, who understood how the ex really was, not a monster, but a flawed person). and V said after winter break, when we got back, maybe we could be friends--talk, spend time together, develop our thing. it wasn’t explicit--we date--or anything like that. but there was an implication, that our growing connection could grow some more. again:

there was tentative affection there— careful, like they were both worried about fucking things up and didn’t know exactly how to proceed.   [x]

V came back from break, immediately started dating a mutual friend A, who i ended up hating and friend breaking up with. dated them and never looked back, until maybe this fall when V realized what a piece of shit that friend is too.

and the friend was good for V, i’m sure, better than i ever could have been. but god, it sometimes feels like something was stolen from me. no anger or bad vibes directed toward V--it’s all toward the universe. but it hurts, so much some days. any days, if i think about it.

i haven’t thought about it in so long. haven’t felt like it mattered. after all, the ex was the one who wrecked me, even without meaning to. who ruined parts of my life, helped me dismantle and destroy them. 

it’s been too many years. too long. too much. 

i would still give V the time of day, would still want to learn her, if it was ever allowed. (it will never be allowed).

i texted V last night, well, text snapchatted. not “you’re beautiful like a hibiscus flower”, send horribly spelled when drunk. not anger, not passing angry messages about A, not about her partner. not guilt, not about all the things i’ve done that ruined her life for a year. 

just, “Read a fanfic recently that viscerally took me back four years. Just wanted to say I hope you’re well, because you ended up on my mind. Hope that’s not too weird.”

she read it, no reply. not yet, probably not ever. it hurts deep in my chest. again:

there was tentative affection there— careful, like they were both worried about fucking things up and didn’t know exactly how to proceed.   [x]

god i just wish i could have been good enough.