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crystal-mocha · 3 years ago

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Bad news.. but the rant starts later

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crystal-mocha · 3 years ago

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Rant 3

Okay I got the right font sorted out.

Im moving houses tomorrow. All of my futniture is at my new house except my mattress. So im stuck sleeping in this dark room, by myself on a mattress which is just on my floor.

I guess other people have it worse though. Im sat in the bath right now. I dont usually have baths but it just felt needed today. Im 17 and a straight white male having a bath at 1am. Most people think I have it good, and I do but my mental stability doesnt.

I lay here with the water 2 inches above my chest. I have lil peep playing on my phone thinking how I kind of relate to him? You'd argue that I dont but I think I might.

Oh and that TV show, bojack horseman. Everyone relates to at least one character but not usually Bojack himself. I do relate to Bojack though, well thats what I think. He's written to be unliked, is that how I am?

It would make sense.

She didnt text me today. Thats not her fault though. I texted her first the past couple of days but not today. She didnt text first. I didnt either. If she wanted to talk she wouldve said hi or something.

Why am I complaining? I did this to myself. Its my fault remember. I was toxic to her in the past, she had an abortion last Saturday and she broke up with her Ex of 8 months a little over 1 week ago.

Am I stupid. Of course she wouldnt want to talk with all of that on her mind. Oh god I live her still. Its hard.

The bath has gone cold. Hah relatable.

She added me to her private story of snapchat. She uploaded a cute short video of her smiling. Her looks have changed which I dont mind at all. Long silky black hair. Pale skin. Black lipstick and black eyeliner. Shes goth but I know that so I dont know why I said that.

Shes so pretty, so so fucking pretty then Im sat here feeling sorry for my 5'7-built-like-a-stick self. I dont even look attractive in the slightest.

I really do feel stupid writing this. Why am I doing this? Is it for attention? For people to feel sorry for me?

But like I said yesterday, I feel trapped. I cant talk to her, I cant talk to anyone so this stupid tumblr post is all ive got.

Im sorry for hurting you Charlotte.

Yesterday I said I would like you to find this but with how pathetic Im sounding right now I dont think I would want you to see.

I took art in college because I have a wonderful imagination, I will give me that. But all I can think about is how sweet the dark colour of red would look like in the bath if I slit my wrists and throat. Not a bad idea but Ive packed my razor away and Its at my new house.

I dont even have wifi, im using my data but at least it helps me cope.

Its been 15 minutes since I started this rant or whatever the fuck this is. Im still waiting for a text off her but I know she wont. She wont. She hates me so much and I feel so powerless. What do I do..

Suicide genuinely seems like an option. I need the pain to stop.

Im starting my second year of college in a week. These 6 weeks off have been utter shit. Ruined myself. And going back to school is going to get so much worse.

I want a hug. A shoulder to cry on. Some human affection but that feels so distant.

Why would she add me to her private story but not text me at all today? Im confused. Was I supposed to comment on her looks? Thats the first time Ive seen her in over a year. Was I supposed to say something? Was she making me jealous? I dont get it. I dont get much aha.

Truth is I know Im scared to get out of the bath. I know I'll break down again. I dont want to move, I dont want to live but I think ive stretched that enough and Im now getting annoying.

Asking all these questions, feeling sorry for myself, calling myself pathetic only makes me even more pathetic. Isnt that right Kayden? I dont have to answer that, I know im not overthinking either, Ive always been self aware.

If I could go back in time 3 years, 2018, what would I tell my younger self. Well Id be 14, 2 years into my depression or whatever this shit life is. Id tell myself to save myself all this pain and kill myself. Telling a child to kill themselves sounds horrible but its fine because that child is me. I should've done it.

My mum attempted to kill herself a year ago now. She survived after 3 days in hospital. She wouldve OD'd. We've all become aware of the signs after that but they only focus on her. Why cant they see I'm struggling? I cant kill myself now after seeing what my mum's attempt did to my Dad and my sister.

No way out. No way to escape. No way to just be happy. Im so alone.

The bath is cold. Ive said that havent I? Im so alone in this stupid bath. Im so sad.

Please at least say 'night' or something Charlotte.. something, anything to show that I've crossed your mind at least once today. Please.

Well I'll get out of the bath now. Ive been writing for 31 minutes. If I dont write tomorrow then I'm hopefully dead. Lol

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crystal-mocha · 3 years ago

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Rant pt2

Theres not much to write now. Ive had my cry and now I'm tired.

She wont text first tomorrow morning.

She wont text goodnight first either.

But I cant blame her because I hurt her and now she loves someone else. This is my punishment.

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crystal-mocha · 3 years ago

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Rant

I only click on this app a few times a year, and today is one of those times. I know that no one will read this so I guess its for myself.

So, where do I start?

I want to kill myself. A few simple words, and you'd think that saying 'I want to kill myself'is meaningful but only I find it to have meaning. No one would want to listen. I dont want to be a burden or annoy others. I mean for fucks sake Kayden youve been suicidal for years and its only getting worse so why wont you ask for help?

I dont break down much, but the second I closed my bedroom door the smile that was used as a mask today fell off instantly and I broke into tears. Does that make me weak?

The truth is, I want her to find this post, but she wont because she doesn't have tumblr, and even if in the smallest chance she did find it, she wouldnt read it or wouldnt care.

The thing is, its all my fault. All of it. Im to blame for my depression, my silly suicidal thoughts and I seem to make it worse.

The tears falling on my keyboard is getting annoying now.

She was perfect, I never even met her in real life. It was a dumb fucking online relationship when I was 15/16 but I treated her horribly and now she hates me.

She changed after we went separate ways, she moved on and found her boyfriend of 8 months, and I? I came home from college everyday and laid in my bed until it was time to sleep. My mental health was rapidly declining and despite not talking to her for over a year, I couldnt move on.

I cant fucking move on from a stupid online relationship that happened over a year ago.

In that time she lost her virginity, had an abortion, smoked weed, partied, made new friends, dropped out of college and I would cry myself to sleep once a week.

The other day I got the chance to talk to her again, and thats how I found out how much che changed. She broke up with her boyfriend a week ago but she still very much loves him, just like I very much love her.

She told me about the abortion, weed, dropping out of college and that only hurt me more. A lot more. She wasnt like this a year ago..

If only I treated her right, then she wouldnt be like this. I fucked my life up and I ruined hers. She had good grades in school so why did she drop out? She was so innocent, and never thought about drugs.. why.

But why am I complaining about her here? Im not. Im complaining, Im ranting about how much of an idiot I am. Found out I changed her personality, my mental state has crumbled and the only thing preventing me from ending it all is Im worried about how my sister and parents will be after I'm gone.

Im trapped. I have to live with these thoughts. This trauma from when I was younger. I have to live knowing how I fucked up the start of her adult years. And I cant even escape it because I'll hurt more people.

How do I just.. stop living without hurting my family. How to I carry on living without hurting me and everyone else.

I dont care that this rant has no structure, because thats what a real rant is. I loved you Charlotte and I'm sorry for what Ive done. Im sorry. I hope you and your ex sort things out :)

I was going to end the rant here but Im still crying haha.

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crystal-mocha · 5 years ago

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