maybe-i-dont-want-to-be-here - Tumblr blog

[maybe-i-dont-want-to-be-here]

Diary #15

I thought I finally fucking found the person who loved me like I loved them. I thought I finally found them and not even a month later, you felt no romantic feelings for me? For what? All I ever tried to do was make you happy. That's all I wanted... all I tried to do...

[maybe-i-dont-want-to-be-here]

Diary #14

It’s a very hard thing to accept. You were my best friend, I looked up to you my whole life. You were family. I was always bought up around violence in my family and you weren’t any different. The first opportunity you got, you assaulted me. Do you know how hard it was to lay still and pretend it wasn’t happening? Do you understand that?! While you got to help yourself to your fucking cousin, I got to try and focus on literally anything else, the sound of the bugs, the wind, anything. All I could fucking hear was the crinkling of the tent and the leaves crunching underneath that. I brought you on that trip to fucking keep me safe. And I really do fucking wish you just stayed home. You assaulted me. You were my safe space and you took that and spat it in my fucking face. I hate you. I hate you so much. I hope that you cried when you found out I tried to kill myself. I hope you cried cause you knew you were the reason. I despise you.

[maybe-i-dont-want-to-be-here]

Diary #13

I would be lying if I said that I don’t think about you. Oh my god do I. Like right now, at 4:30 in the morning. I made a whole playlist that reminds me of stargazing. And stargazing reminds me of you. Even a whole year after we officially ‘ended’, do you still think about me like this? Did you ever? I think the hardest thing to accept isn’t the fact that you don’t care anymore but the fact that you never really did. It was a game, I was a game. Do you understand how much that hurts? Even now, I lay here, at 4:30am, more than four years after everything with you started and I still, I still, hurt. How am I ever, EVER, going to really know if someone is treating me okay after you? I don’t doubt that you were my first love which hurts my heart to say. I want you to know that you ruined me, I want you to accept that and acknowledge that, but you never will. You never do.

[maybe-i-dont-want-to-be-here]

Diary #12

I think one day, I will have to accept that no magic change is going to make me an inspiration story. I’m not going to make an impact. I’m not going to be a person that helps people get through hard times. People I went to school with are never going to think they screwed up for bullying me. For so many years now, I’ve wanted to work towards being what I had online and to help people but I think I have to understand that it’ll never happen. No one will ever care about what I have to say. I’ll make my way and that’ll be it. Sure, if I died tomorrow in a freak accident, some people online will care but in six months to a year, it’ll just be “hey remember that girl that died? That was sad” and that’ll be it. I’m not going to be remembered more than a few passing thoughts. Maybe I can blame that on other people but most likely I’m not as enjoyable as I like to think I am. I like to act like I’m this ray of sunshine who just loves everyone and whose been wronged by the world but maybe that’s not the case. Maybe I am just a bitch. I’m ruder than I think I am, I don’t come across as nice. I don’t know. I wonder how much I would feel like dying if I didn’t metaphorically smother it with a pillow every time I feel it coming back. I wonder if I would be dead if I addressed my feelings. I wonder if anyone actually cares. If anyone actually worries. Would anyone give a single shit if I started cutting again? Would anyone know? No one knew last time and that was in person. What if I went just a little bit fucking deeper. What if I actually double locked my door. Would’ve save everyone from the fucking pain. Sometimes I feel myself getting better and I realise I don’t deserve it. I’ve spent so long crying about how I don’t deserve the pain but maybe I do. I’m a horrible fucking person realistically. How many people have I hurt like people have hurt me? It took me so long to learn to be nice and there’s times where I can’t deal with that. I either lose myself or lose others. What’s the bigger risk? Honestly, I think I lost myself a long time ago. But maybe there’s still a small part of me that is screaming. Why did I stop every endeavour I’ve begun? So many failed businesses, books, poems, songs, choreography, plays, monologues, art pieces. I’m just waiting for the clock to finish ticking on streaming. When will I get bored?

YOU

LIKE

CONTROL

I don’t know how many times you have to joke about being a control freak before actually realising it’s an issue but hurry the fuck up and realise it’s an issue. Can’t not be the owner of a game party or a server cause you don’t like not being able to control things. You can’t do school because you can’t do your own thing. Fuck me dude. You want to own your own cafe so you can control what’s on the menu and what it looks like.

Who are you more angry at? You’ve looked at it under a microscope for hours; is it yourself? You obviously fucked something up to be a second choice again so who. are. you. more. angry. at? You switch between second and first person like you’re not the same person, which is almost true but usually when you write, your self hatred takes a human form and pelts you with the questions from the darkest corners of your mind. You can’t ignore them anymore.

Me. It’s me. I’m angry at myself for causing drama again. You couldn’t have just sucked it up? No. And you dragged other people into it too. Nice people. People who are truely nice and you fucked those up too. What the fuck is wrong with you?

PEOPLE

DONT

CARE

stop acting like they do. Realistically, they aren’t your friends, they don’t know you. And even if they think they do, they don’t know you. The real you. I don’t even think you know the real you. No one would choice to be friends with the real you.

FUCK

OFF

You think they would fucking care? They don’t fucking care. They care about themselves and their ACTUAL friends which is fine. You’ve hardly ever had actual friends and when you have, you’ve FUCKED IT UP LIKE USUAL. god.

I am my biggest critic, I have been for years and about everything. Art. Writing. Friends. Looks. Love. Personality. Fucking everything. Cause nothing is ever right. I don’t know how I can be right about myself but I’m such a control freak and I don’t even realise it. I can even control how I look most of the time. What is wrong with me?

STOP

TRYING

PLEASE

GO

AWAY.

[maybe-i-dont-want-to-be-here]

Diary #11

Did it really have to take you that long to hurt me?

When I look back at the four years of time that we were on and off, I wonder how it was for you. Were you bored and wanted to have some fun and talk to me? Did you actually miss me like I missed you? When it came down to it, we never really had a real relationship and the “end” wasn’t really the end, was it? Not even six months later, I was back in your city, falling for you once again. I don’t know how you did that to me, over and over again, you completely flipped my morals upside down. Yes, we are aware I’m terrified of being alone but I knew you would get bored with me again, that’s why I was always in a relationship but we both know that the one I really wanted to be with was you. Maybe our “end” was because we were too good to be true, I found someone who didn’t frustrate the hell out of me with not admitting his feelings, like you. I needed you to tell me that you loved me, properly saying to me the words ‘I love you’. But you couldn’t. And you explained that later on, I get that. I think I was just concerned and I thought ‘I love you’ was a security blanket for you not being able to fall for someone else while I’m across the country, but you proved that to be wrong with her anyway. Every so often, I see something that reminds me of you and I let my mind think about what if you could say it or what if I didn’t need you to. Stargazing is one that always does it. I know you don’t see it like this but that’s our thing, I had never stargazed with someone before until you, and we did it three times. I think that night was the moment I knew that I couldn’t shake you off very easily. Looking back on that night, it wasn’t as picturesque as I always see it as, there’s always things I block out to make it a better memory, not even an hour before that, one of the worse things in my life happened and, as always, you were how I forgot. Looking back in detail, you tasted like alcohol and my head was still spinning from what I had drank before. It was the first real time that I had drank and it was while I was camping with you. Usually I would look at that as strange but when it comes down to it, you can really be caring. Those were the moments that I held on for, when you really showed that you cared about me. You were so hidden about your feelings, I could never tell. I wish I could go back to then, when I actually had kept count of how many times we had kissed (and I actually could) and when, no doubtably, you caught me staring at you in class. When our science teacher made the mistake of seating us together for a whole semester. That year still feels like it flashed by and at times, I miss it. While I’m definitely content where my life is right now, sometimes it’s interesting to wonder what it would be like with you in it. Would I have changed you? Probably not. I think your ways are so concreted into you that your curse is to never change how secretive you are. I remember my sister once said that we’ll end up together one day, there was a time that I denied it, but hoped it was true. There was a time where I believed it and there was also a time that I would rather die. Right after I left, I remember that I spent weeks trying to work out if I made the right decision, I missed you more than anything, but I knew that I would fall right back into the loop if I had any contact with you. I remember asking you to block me, and you said you wouldn’t in case I needed you. God if you only knew how many times I needed you. My only safe haven was the fact that I was in a completely different state to you, on the other side of the country, I think if I had seen you in person, I would have broke down. Some sick, twisted, teen movie romance wanting part of my brain misses what we had sometimes. But, I think you’ve hurt me to the point where I’ll never go back. I really, really did love you, but I think that’s it’s finally time to close the chapter.

[maybe-i-dont-want-to-be-here]

Diary #10

Wow. A year.

It’s been a whole year with literally no contact.

A little more than that I guess but you birthday is what’s marking it for me.

You’re 18 now. It’s weird

I still can’t shake all the feelings all the time.

He says I shouldn’t say happy birthday to you today

Even though I want to message you.

But he’s probably right.

Probably

Happy 18th Birthday.

I love you.

[maybe-i-dont-want-to-be-here]

Diary #9

If you think

After more than a year

I’ll still message you

You haven’t changed.

Show me that you’ve changed

Swallow your pride and message me first

Saying that you miss me

Not anonymously

That’s for children

After nine years

Of me apologising

I’m sick of it

I did everything right this time

I loved you with everything I had

I cared about you more than myself

And you chewed it up

And spit it out

In my fucking face

So if you’ve changed so much

Show me

[maybe-i-dont-want-to-be-here]

Diary #8

I trust you.

100%

But I can’t shake the feeling that you meeting up with your ex is gonna lead to something.

Or the fact that you’re on that other girls side of our argument.

You can’t trust the fact that I know it was her.

And even so, you should be defending me like you’re meant to.

I can’t shake that you secretly like her.

Just like you secretly liked me.

And it’s fucking stupid, I know.

But I just. Can’t.

Everything she does, that would usually make you hate others, you forgive.

Maybe you’re sick of me.

That’s why you’re meeting up with your ex

Or taking her side.

And you just don’t want to admit it cause then you wouldn’t have a place to live.

Am I overreacting?

[maybe-i-dont-want-to-be-here]

Diary #6

A lot has changed huh?

Somehow you started liking me and somehow now we’re dating.

It didn’t occur to me how much I’m gonna hurt you.

I hurt everyone.

And you, god, you’re gonna be so easy to destroy emotionally. Fuck.

Maybe I should just end this. Hurting you now will make it better later.

Fuck.

There’s no way I won’t be able to hurt you, either.

Maybe seeing you will help.

[maybe-i-dont-want-to-be-here]

Diary #5

I will be better for you.

I’m already working on it.

Small things really

Brushing my hair everyday

Washing my hair

Making sure I brush my teeth

Not forgetting to shower once every three days

Drinking water

I wish you could see how much I’m trying.

I’m scared I’ve already fucked stuff up too much already.

God I hope not. I need you.

Do you even still check this stupid blog that I should’ve never given you the name of?

Do you even still care?

God. It seems like I’m not getting better by this, but really I am. Until late night, I’m not upset, it’s only when I’m left alone with my thoughts.

I miss your voice. That’s so much so in a platonic way it’s unbelievable.

I kinda wish you would check in, make sure everything’s okay. That would help so much.

But you won’t.

I know you won’t.

[maybe-i-dont-want-to-be-here]

Diary #4

She doesn’t deserve you.

She seems like a bitch and she doesn’t seem smart and she doesn’t deserve you.

You’re smart and funny and caring.

And fuck you’re so cute. Your laugh is cute. And you laugh a lot so it’s great.

You know how to make any situation better and you have great ideas.

She’s gonna break you.

She’s gonna shatter you into pieces and I can’t watch that happen.

Please god don’t let it happen.

I think I’m falling in love with you.

[maybe-i-dont-want-to-be-here]

Diary #2

I don’t know how I feel about you. I’m happy with him, I really am.

But you’re so so lovely. You’re so caring and sweet. 

Connection? maybe. Maybe you feel confused just like me.

Kinda seems like you are. 

We’re not close enough to talk about this. Not without it being weird and ruining our friendship. 

I miss you when we don’t talk. That’s weird. 

And our friend said your name and it didn’t clear anything up. I wish it did.

I need to meet you. In person. I need to meet you.

Maybe it’ll clear things up. Maybe.

But what if I’m right? That won’t do. I will be living with him. 

We will see, I guess

[maybe-i-dont-want-to-be-here]

Diary #1

can you not find someone for yourself?

I’m glad you’re happy. I’m not upset that you’re dating the one person that I’ve loved for nearly four years, really, I’m not. 

I’m upset that every single person you date is because of me. Because I cared about them first. Because I loved them, platonic or not, first. 

It hurts to think about them talking shit about me with you. But it also hurts to think they’ve heard everything about you too. 

And besides, he’s not who you think he is, he’s a cheater and a liar. He always has been. 

God, I care about you, I don’t think I’ll ever stop. You were my best friend for eight years. Eight birthdays, today would be nine. 

You hurt me. You hurt me just as much as I hurt you. That’s what we do hey? whether “we” means us specifically or teenage girls in general is yet to be determined. 

But no matter, we tried and failed, again. 

Why am I so dependant on you? I think it’s because of my family, but I don’t need to tell you about that, you’re well aware.

It hurt the most that you didn’t tell me when it first started. I would’ve been okay with it, I had already accepted it.

Instead, you kept it from me and I hurt you. 

And I didn’t mean to. And I’m sorry. 

And I know you don’t want me back. If I’m honest, I don’t want you back, either, but...

I love you. Happy seventeenth birthday.

[maybe-i-dont-want-to-be-here]

via weheartit

[maybe-i-dont-want-to-be-here]

via weheartit

[maybe-i-dont-want-to-be-here]

“So we shall let the reader answer this question for himself: who is the happier man, he who has braved the storm of life and lived or he who has stayed securely on shore and merely existed?”

— Hunter S. Thompson (via coral)

[maybe-i-dont-want-to-be-here]

“Things are getting bad again.”

— (via coral)