#because there is always an I in self-stimulatory behavior

[beingharsh]

lab muffin beauty science makes me yearn to be a STEM person. not engineering.

[mariusaurus]

was riverdaleposting on my finsta a while back and my gf replied saying something about “do you have anyone to talk to about this? is that something you need?” and i have honestly never felt more cared for in my life like ?? you understand my need to talk about these things?? and you’re making sure that need is being met?? which is not only so considerate but helps me reframe my investment in my interests from something negative or compulsive to something normal and necessary to my self-regulation? wtf?

[raising-harmony]

... Well then, let's just move away from that now, is N still resting? I'm expecting as much, poor thing seemed so worn out the other day

For the most part, yes. He is rather quiet, though I wouldn't say it's in a morose way, just that he has little energy. He did eat dinner after his nap and was over the moon about the candied pecha, however. That much is good. I had to limit him so he wouldn't give himself a stomach ache.

Of course, the girls are very curious about what all the process entailed, but N is simply not interested in recounting the whole evaluation. I don't assume it's because it was traumatizing, it wasn't that bad, but it was stressful, boring, and tiresome, so I don't exactly blame him for needing a cooldown period. I did my best to indulge their curiosity by explaining my end of the experience, but there is only so much to be said about filling out paperwork.

This also forced me to explain ASD to the both of them, given the conclusion of "highly present probability", but they already understood that N possibly being divergent from most children (in ways besides his unique ability) changes nothing about their relationship. It isn't as if they were ignorant to his quirks and,- what was the term, self-stimulatory behavior?- before they learned about ASD. Whether or not he is autistic, it doesn't appear to change him fundamentally to them, it only potentially places a name to some of his mannerisms. Understanding and loving as always. I'm glad to see it.

[stories-me]

Potential Character for Mrs. Kelsey and Tumblr 2/6/2024:

The Beyonder, Reluctantly Studying Humanity:

What he’s from: Moon Girl and Devil Dinosaur.

Background:

The Beyonder’s species is incredibly powerful, compared to the rest of most of the other creatures of the multiverse. They can warp reality with a thought, and learned early on to temper their abilities to not undo existence by accident.

Curious, mischievous, impish, self-centered, and a trickster, the Beyonder, himself, caused quite a few problems over the years, usually simply out of boredom: He turned a being’s favorite spacecraft into a pogo stick, he created three storm systems on a rather unlucky planet, he destroyed a science project belonging to a parallel version of Moon Girl, and even destroyed a resort planet with stray asteroids from a game of “space golf”.

Sometimes, he studied planets… but to his race’s horror, he began eradicating them and whatever species were on it if he judged them unnecessary. This was the final straw for the ruling powers of his species, and, as a form of punishment, he was compelled to study humanity, a race that is sometimes seen as “fascinating” by a number of members of intergalactic society (they’re smart enough to develop space travel, but dumb enough to make war with their own kind. In addition, their kind currently plays and, in the future, will play a powerful role in galactic politics in the future), in order to learn compassion.

Unfortunately for Lunella “Moon Girl” Lafayette, he decided to learn a bit about humanity from a being he judged as “Earth’s smartest being”: Lunella herself.

Although he is supposed to study humanity, he does not always understand them, and has been known to cause problems.

How he is like me:

We both have trouble seeing from others’ point of view. Still, I’m working on this, working to try and see how others feel about what I do. For example, if I feel particularly frustrated, I might leave the room to cool off. Also, I work on showing interest in their interests.

Kelsey Notes:

Like the beyonder destroying things out of boredom, your “recreational annoyance” is something that occurs when you are bored-

When you are bored it is harder to contain some self-stimulatory behavior (such as reciting route things from something you’ve read, watched, or listened to)

The difficult thing with this behavior is that it is of high interest to YOU and you alone- it is hard for you to connect with others when you engage in this because it only makes sense to you

Having an outlet to escape from social faking your interests all the time is important, as long as you have a healthy balance and it doesn’t cause you to engage in destructive behaviors that you instantly regret when you calm down

Unfortunately, his literalness resulted in a miscommunication between him and Lunella so them getting along is going to be difficult

Trying to rectify some mistakes you’ve made in the past can be difficult

It’s important to learn from your mistakes so you can prove to others that your past mistakes shouldn’t define you if you’ve made strides to be a better person

[compassionatereminders]

Hi Kat!! please don't feel pressured to respond to this, I know you can't help me with my condition, this is just a little vent ^-^

So, I've recently come to terms with the fact that I'm most likely hella autistic. I've been doing a lot of research as well as talking to my autistic friends. It feels like everything about me finally makes sense. I don't talk normally. I don't think normally. I don't even walk normally, appearantly? Like, I don't swing my arms the right way, I guess? And sometimes when I'm walking I walk with my feet glued to the floor, which my friend jokes is how she knows when I'm really happy.

The thing is- I've been masking for so long. My family are not the types of be accepting of autism or autistic people. I've been called more slurs than I count, and they don't even think I'm actually neurodivergent. But my friend is very supportive and accepting, and most likely autistic as well.

I've noticed that I have a tendency to mask around her, though. I mask around everyone, always, forever, except my boyfriend because, I don't know, he's the only one that can trick my brain into being who I really am. It's so hard to be myself generally (though again, the bf brings it out like its nothing), but I love and trust this girl, and I really want to stop masking around her. I mean, I'm kinda shit at it, but I still mask most of myself.

I just wish it was as easy as deciding not to do it anymore. I know this girl would never judge me, I know that. Yet around her, I still find myself stifling self-stimulatory behavior and forcing my mouth to make normal words. With my boyfriend I'm loud and flirty and hypertalkative. With her, I'm relatively quiet and nonsexual, which, yknow, if you knew me super well, you'd know is weird as fuck.

I don't wish I could be normal, or neurotypical, I just wish it wasn't so difficult to show people my honest personality. I'm flirty and loud and dorky and egotistical and passionate and witty and sometimes I talk so much that I forget to breathe! I love those parts of myself! I know my friend would love them, too.

I can only hope she'll know me like that one day.

First of all, congratulations on finding the answer you were looking for according what's been going on with you! Secondly, don't be too hard on yourself. Masking is often a result of unfair social pressure and/or trauma, and it takes a lot of time and trust in a safe environment to fully let go of the habit. And that makes sense! So try not to rush the process. I'm sure you'll get there at a point! ❤️

[filthforfriends]

Do they actually have confirmed autism though or are you projecting/assuming?

Have they taken time off their touring schedule to go through the length and expensive process of getting scheduled with and evaluated by a psychologist at an autism center over a number of sessions? Have they then published those medical papers online? No.

Formal autism diagnosis are super inaccessible which is why self diagnosis or informal psychiatric diagnosis is viewed as acceptable within the community. Every autistic person with low support needs (referred to as high functioning by allistics) I know got their diagnosis whether it be formal or by another psychiatric professional like therapist or psychiatrist only after bringing it up themselves.

People who don’t appear autistic to allistic people don’t get diagnosed since psychiatric doctors are mostly neurotypical. So unless you’ve got notable developmental delays, the immense suffering of autistic people goes untreated. Let me put you in the shoes of an undiagnosed autistic person.

You’re completely aware that there’s something different about you. You notice the laughing, rejection, isolation, annoyance, and distaste from everyone, but it’s not quantifiable enough to call bullying. You figure that everyone is going through this, but you’re the only one failing. Maybe you think it’s an intelligence issue or a personality flaw. So you try to fix it, notice that you’re working harder than everyone and not getting anywhere. Then you realize there’s something really broken inside you, and everyone else is whole. It’s not just a surface thing because no matter what you change they always treat you different. You are fundamentally flawed and there’s no fixing it. This awareness starts around 10 and by 12 all that frustration with the people around you turns inward and you genuinely, deeply hate yourself for being so fucked up no one wants to be your best friend.

If you could call this thing inside you that makes you different autism, you’d get a disability accommodation, specialized support designed for autistic people, coping mechanisms, supportive therapy. Most importantly you wouldn’t feel fundamentally unlovable because you’d know nothing was wrong with your character.

So now you’re thinking “I understand that expecting them to have time or even referrals to get an autism diagnosis is unrealistic. I understand how harmful undiagnosed autism can be in high functioning folks who seem allistic. But why does that make you qualified? Shouldn’t we leave that up to the professionals?”

And that is the point of the thing! Most autism practitioners are allistic, which means they inherently lack an understanding of the diagnosis they are given the power to treat.

This is evidenced by the popularity of ABA therapy which trains autistic people to act allistic. In my original post I said that the world revolves around neurotypical people. Even treatment of people with autism revolves around allistics because ABA is far more therapeutic for caretakers who get to deal with reduced symptoms. In a situation of intellectual disability when the issue is safety I have no issue or judgment. But many harmless autistic behaviors help us regulate and training us to comply by neurotypical standards is abusive. Psychologists know that self stimulatory behaviors exist to help us process the world around us, but we are trainee to act allistic, because that’s the norm, even though those behaviors don’t benefit us like our natural stimming does.

Neurotypical psychologists will always treat from their frame of reference, which is allistic. The only psychologists that can design treatment for autistic people, are other autistic people.

It all comes back to the world revolving around allistic people. As an autistic person, my unique perspective makes me able to spot autism where allistics can’t. So I’m qualified to say “ethan and thomas seem autistic.” That’s a really hard pill to swallow because you’re taught that being neurotypical will always yield you more qualified, but you’re not. You have to trust the disabled person to be more knowledgeable than you.

[maybeacrowdedmind]

My Headcanoned Autistic Characters Part 1:

After seeing that people enjoyed my post on autistic characters both canon and headcaoned by yours truly, I decided to go into a little more detail about the characters I see as being autistic and why. So let part 1 commence!

Parker - Leverage:

I first started watching Leverage when I was about 11 or 12 years old. Prior to seeing Parker, I had never seen a book or tv show/movie character who was like me and not being made the butt of every joke. Parker is an extremely literal character in both her speech and her mannerisms. She is also very blunt and doesn't speak in metaphors; she simply says what she means. She also gets very excited over things that the other characters don't seem to get (like her love of Christmas and Santa Claus) and she is frustrated when things don't go how they are supposed too. Furthermore, Parker is shown to freak out when the plan goes wrong, and she is also often shown to say something socially "off" and have the other characters explain to her that just because it's true, doesn't always mean you should say it. However, despite having so many autistic traits that autistic people and characters are often shamed for, the rest of the team is accepting of her, and while they tease her, they do it in the same way with everyone. I still remember how happy I felt to finally see a character onscreen who was so similar to me, who was allowed to have agency and wasn't there to be the laughingstock of the Leverage team. Now, I can't remember which episode it was season and episode wise, but one of my favorites was the one where Parker has to wear the heavy shoes to match the mark's gait so she doesn't trip off the sensors, and when practicing, she starts freaking out because it doesn't feel right. As a person with extreme sensory issues, scenes like that mean a lot to me, because rather than have Hardison get upset with her or tell her to suck it up, he helps keep her calm and helps her to manage it comfortably.

Anya Jenkins - Buffy the Vampire Slayer:

Anya is another character whose way of speaking is very similar to mine. She is also very blunt, and speaks unabashedly and in a brutally honest manner. Anya also doesn't understand how the human world works because she is/was a vengeance demon. Now, I'm not a vengeance demon turned human (or am I?), but I am an autistic person living in a neurotypical world that I don't really get. Anya also does not understand social cues or what having a filter means as evidenced by the fact that she often talks about stuff that is not "socially acceptable" to talk about, which I can definitely relate to (throwback to when I brought up that being a Communist would be way better than being a N**i at prom, effectively bringing the conversation to a screeching halt. It's a long story). As such, I see her as autistic, because again, I see myself in several of her mannerisms.

Mabel Pines - Gravity Falls:

I know for a fact that I'm not the only person who sees the mystery twins as autistic. I mean, to me, it's obvious, especially with Mabel. Mabel is an enthusiastic girl, whose special interests range from Sev'ral Timez to golf to arts and crafts. When she goes after something, she does so wholeheartedly and doesn't care if other people try to dissuade her. Mabel is also shown to have a great love for things staying the same, like her and Dipper going trick or treating and both of them staying together after the summer, and she gets both upset and sad when things change. Mabel is unafraid to be herself, but still takes hurtful comments to heart. A good example of this is when Pacifica tells Mabel that she is too silly and will never be taken seriously, leading Mabel to try to act different than her natural self for the remainder of the episode until the end. This is very similar to autistic people being told that the way they exist is incorrect due to not being NT and leading them to mask when around other people. Lastly, Mabel shows self-stimulatory behavior and comfort stims by going to sweater town.

Dipper Pines - Gravity Falls:

Like his twin, Dipper has a special interests, primarily mysteries and conspiracy theories. He spends a lot of time compiling information on these topics and is extremely knowledgeable of them. Dipper doesn't want to be seen as different from others, like Wendy and her friends, and tries to hide things like trick or treating from them. This is relatable to me because it is very similar to masking. Dipper tries to seem mature and cool to fit in with his friends, which reminds me a lot of myself when I was younger and would mask in order to be accepted by my friends (I'm currently trying to unlearn masking tendencies because my way of naturally existing is not an inconvenience and neither is the natural existence of anybody reading this). Dipper also stims, by chewing on his pens and shirt, and when something is important to him (like hacking the code on the computer) he very quickly becomes fixated on it, which is another thing I do all the time.

That's all for now; I'll post part 2 soon, either later today or tomorrow so keep an eye out. If you have any characters you've headcanoned as autistic, let me know in the replies. I'd love to see other characters people relate to. Also, if you could please check out the post I made in regards to my sister and the fundraising she's doing for a service dog and reblog it, that would be greatly appreciated.

[tornateos]

Why I think Denki Kaminari has ADHD or is neurodivergent (as someone who has ADHD)

These are just a few of the things I’ve noticed about Denki and I have only written about a few of the symptoms that I experience because they’re the ones that I really understand and I didn’t want to write about something that I may not be able to accurately write about. Please feel free to add more.

** Trigger Warning— Mentions of tics!

For the last point I’m talking about Tics. If you get them, reading about them can cause them. If they cause you any physical, mental, or emotional distress feel free to skip this post :)

Focus. He’s said he has trouble focusing on school and studying. This is what most people think of with adhd is a lack of focus and while that can be a part of it caused by sensory issues, hyper or hypo energy phases, fixations and other symptoms that’s not all ADHD is.

Schooling issues. Many people with either adhd, autism, or anything else on the neurodivergent spectrum have trouble in school either due to a lack of focus, not being able to comprehend the questions, not being able to form your thoughts into words on paper, sensory-overload and a multitude of different issues. Denki, like in the last point, has said he has trouble with school, had the lowest score on class 1-A’s midterm and is often called dumb (which unfortunately is not uncommon for people on the spectrum)

Stimming. Stimming(self-stimulatory behavior) is a common coping mechanism for neurodivergent people. It’s a way of stimulating yourself with a physical stimuli and can be to release energy, to have a sense of control, to stop sensory-overloads, and a whole bunch of other possibilities that are unique to the individual. I can see Kaminari playing with Ojiro’s tail as a way of stimming.

Sleep issues. A big part of neurodivergence is either not being able to sleep, always feeling like you need to sleep, or not realizing that you need to sleep. These can all come from focus and attentive issues, sensory issues, or other symptoms but I always find this panel fun (I can’t remember what chapter the screen shot is from Im sorry)

Personal Space. An especially common symptom of ADHD and neurodivergence that isn’t talked about much is personal space. People on the spectrum may either be very serious about their personal space due to sensory reasons and may not want people touching them while others may not realize that other people value personal space and as a result they are often times touching other people or at least extremely close to them. This can tie in with Denki touching Ojiro’s tail but we’ve also seen him being very touchy with multiple characters including Bakugo, who other characters are cautious about.

Warning

for this next one I am talking about tics and if you have them reading about them can cause them!!

The last one I wanted to point out isn’t as common, but can happen very often (and is a symptom that I get) which is tics. Tics are usually involuntary motor or vocal actions that can occur randomly or they can be triggered by something in someone’s environment. I head canon that when Denki is in his “whey” mode him saying “whey” and giving thumbs up like he does are actually both ticks caused by the sensory-overload when he overexerts himself and essentially shocks himself.

[sensoryseeker]

Is pacing back and forth is my room and twiddling and twirling my thumbs a stim? I've been doing it since I was a child, I like taking the familiar turns, the pacing and amount of steps and twirls is always roughly the same. I have a lot of ADHD symptoms but I'm scared to get diagnosed, because what if I'm a fake?

this is definitely a stim, anon! it sounds like you're engaging in self stimulatory behavior.

About the ADHD diagnosis - you don't have to worry. You're not faking it. You can't accidentally fake something. You're not doing this on purpose. If it isn't ADHD, then it just means it's something else. or it might mean that you need to get reassessed by someone else, because not all doctors are the same and are helpful.

I went through diagnostic tests for Autism, and I got out with a "its probably trauma/ocd" answer. and after that I got diagnosed with ADHD. After I get diagnosed with PTSD & possibly OCD if necessary, then I will go into therapy and get reassessed for Autism as well when my trauma issues have been treated enough.

It's okay to explore your mental health stuff. you can explore your brain. and that does mean that you will run into some errors and mistakes as well, but you'll find another way and figure things out eventually.

It's a big learning process. You're not alone! But you're not faking, anon! Don't be afraid of that! People who fake aren't afraid of faking!

If you need some more help or have more questions, feel free to stop by any time, you can also dm me c:

[autisticoddity]

All About Stimming!

Self-stimulatory behavior, more commonly known as “Stimming” is the use of repetitive actions, or other forms of sensory stimulation, to regulate emotions, and prevent over-stimulation. Stimming can be a really fun topic to talk about! there are so many different methods of doing it, so many things its helpful for, and so many stim toys you can use! Stimming can even be beneficial for neurotypical people! (those without any mental conditions/disorders) but what exactly is stimming? who does it, why do we do it, and what does it do? and, of course, what methods are there?

~

Stimming behaviors are frequently seen in a few different kinds of mental disorders, including developmental disabilities, ADHD, sensory processing disorders, and most frequently, autism! though the presence of stimming behaviors, or lack thereof, does not confirm any of these diagnoses on its own.

different conditions can present slightly different types of stimming behaviors, and have differing levels of control over these actions, as can each individual, so while I’ll try to explain all the information I know from a few angles, my perspective is an autistic one, and my own, so there may be more details specific to other conditions or individuals I’m unaware of.

People with this behavior can get the urge to stim for a variety of reasons, many people are probably most familiar with stress/fear based stimming, as that’s what usually attracts drama and gets publicized, but it can also be used to help calm other strong emotions, be done out of habit, to work out excess energy to help focus(common among those with ADHD), or just because it’s satisfying!

Though some people may find stimming to be strange, and encourage suppressing stims, at least in public, stimming is a very healthy, very useful tool for coping with the amplified emotional reactions, and sensory sensitivities those with conditions like autism and ADHD experience, and while for many it is possible to suppress, it takes considerable effort, causes stress, and depending on the person and situation, isn’t always possible. for some who are diagnosed late like myself and naturally suppress urges to stim unless having a meltdown/panic/anxiety attack, allowing yourself to stim when you want to, despite what you’ve learned is considered normal, is a skill we have to actively learn.

So what kind of situations is stimming usually useful for? As we’ve established, the most extreme and well known is stress, or over stimulation, in which case focusing on a stim helps to block out the other less predictable stimuli, but it can also be used to focus, blocking out distractions, or to vent extreme emotions like anger or even joy, much like someone might “jump with joy” when very excited. Many people with Autism experience other emotions much stronger than most too, sometimes enough for a simple funny dad joke to cause an overwhelming surge of excitement/joy, so stimming helps filter that into a more manageable feeling to process.

Alright, now that we know what it’s all about, what’s it look like? there are a TON of ways to stim, some of which everyone does! do you tap your fingers or bounce your leg when bored? it’s a very similar concept! at it’s root, it can be anything that provides consistent stimulation.

The most visible stims are usually physical motion ones, this can be any repetitive motion, hand flapping, rocking, leg bouncing, blinking hard, and clapping are a few of the most common, though some are less full movements as they are pulses in a specific muscle.

There are also auditory stims, that can include sounds, words or phrases, sometimes randomly, sometimes repeating something that was heard or a word that crossed their mind. many Autistics also struggle with volume control, so they may also shout, or mutter.

Less noticeable, but far more common are tactile stims, one of my favorite. tactile stims most often involve other objects, such as fabrics, toys, or really anything with a pleasing/interesting texture, or satisfying repetitive action, much like many fidget toys, tactile stimming is feeling or repetitively manipulating a surface/object, this can be as subtle as rubbing the edge of your shirt between your fingers, or as involved as a rubix cube.

With fidget toys becoming more popular, there are endless stim toys to choose from that provide all kinds of stimuli from textures and actions, with things like putty or a fidget cube, to sounds and visual stimuli, like simple instruments, shiny or vibrant colors and satisfying visuals, stim toys are a great tool for coping with unfamiliar situations or staying focused for a long period of time. and they’re just plain fun!

Some people do experience self-injurious stimming behavior, in which they can harm themselves, sometimes in small habits like picking at your skin, but some can have much more harmful urges such as scratching, hitting themself, or even banging their head against a table or wall. is these cases, the behaviors are usually very very difficult to change or stop, but not impossible, through steady effort and support, they can often learn to manage the more harmful impulses.

Aside from stimming, there are a few different external things some use as a source of stimuli, such as music, podcasts, compilations, scented candles, and even snacking or eating comfort food can provide needed stimulation!

Stimming is a very useful tool for anyone to use, so find what works for you, and have a stimmy fun time!

~

I think that’s about all the info i can think of, hope you learned something new!

- if you have any questions about autism, send me an ask! :D

[ashintheairlikesnow]

Touch

CW: Consensual spice (PG-13 at most, totally safe for work), trauma response, PTSD panic attack, meltdown, internalized victim-blaming, internalized ableism, head banging, negative stimming leading to self-injury (there is also positive stim in this piece), references to past conditioning, references to past noncon. This is a heavy one. Stay safe.

TIMELINE: Post-Chris moving into college, after Oliver Branch’s trial. Happens during Chris’s freshman year at college. He is 22.

Tagging Chris’s crew:  @burtlederp , @finder-of-rings , @endless-whump , @whumpfigure , @stxckfxck , @slaintetowhump, @astrobly, @newandfiguringitout, @doveotions

It begins, and ends, with touch.

It’s not that Chris is afraid of any of it - he likes the way Marissa hugs him when they meet up or they split to go their separate ways or just whenever the urge to hug strikes her. He likes the sensation of warm arms around him that never come with an ulterior motive. He likes the way it feels when he and Dylan curl up on Dylan’s bed to watch TV, the two of them shoulder-to-shoulder with touch all the way down their legs, perfectly normal, like he’s always been a part of the world where these things happen without the prickle of fear or shame underneath them.

But the way Laken hugs him… feels different, and Laken is always hugging him or putting an arm around his waist or nuzzling playfully against his face. There’s always touch and he loves it, the simple reassuring weight of a hand on his back by his shoulder blades comes now with an electricity that sparks like static between them, but it doesn’t fade when they leave. He feels their touch for hours after, thinks of them in his sleep, stares at the bottle of cheap shampoo in the shower he shares with Dylan and the boys who live on the other side of the bathroom and wonders if Laken likes the way his shampoo smells or not.

Laken is like a lightning bolt wrapped in black in Chris’s life, there and gone in half-seconds of time, a flash of a smile in a warm brown face. The brush of roughly textured black hair that falls in curls long along the top and back when they lean over to point out something in the textbook they’re studying from, and Chris feels the place their hair touched him for hours afterward, like a lingering kiss, like a burn. 

Laken laughs and tells him to find out for himself when he asks what hair that short feels like. Chis’s nerves spark when he runs his palms over the short buzz cut sides and he can’t explain why his mouth feels dry and his heart beats rabbit-fast inside his chest.

He feels like an idiot whenever he speaks, his words stumble and trip over each other out of his mouth, but Laken doesn’t seem to mind. Like Jake, they don’t interrupt him, they let him find his way to the end of the sentence no matter how long it takes. Like, Jake, their smile doesn’t falter when they watch him fiddle with the feather he is always wearing, with the bracelet, or if he taps on himself or the wall or the bed.

But they’re not like Jake at all, are they?

They ask, once, what he’s doing when he taps. He uses the words that Nat gave him when he was scared, the name for what he does. Words are a kind of power, in many ways, Nat had explained gently. That’s why the company gives you so many things they force you to remember while they make you forget the rest. Language creates thought. 

Chris had been caught tapping the wall. He’d been terrified and held his hands out for discipline and Nat had folded his fingers back up over his palm, one by one, held them briefly in her warm, firm grip before giving his hands back to him. The glimmer in her eyes caught his, and held it. You were forced to forget the words, and give up the power, but you can have it back, sweetheart. There’s a word for what you do, and a reason you do it, and you deserve your hands, you deserve the mind that moves them. You deserve to move, Chris.

He tells Laken the name for it, the words that Nat gave him - I’m, it’s called, um, stimming, it means self-soothing stimulatory be, be, behavior and it helps, helps me calm down and and and and focus, Ben, um, Ben knows, Ben’s little brother does it, you should, should should should ask Ben, should ask him- and understands what Nat meant about power, then. Because Laken just nods, says cool in their deep husky voice, and Chris feels a kind of rush inside himself greater than any he’s ever felt. 

Laken Mamani is beautiful, and handsome, and everything in between, and Chris doesn’t know why he feels like a fucking idiot whenever he’s around them but he thinks Dylan does. His roommate gives him a weird, knowing smile whenever he sees them together. Makes jokes about things that make Chris turn bright red and hide under his pillow. 

Everyone knows that Chris didn’t grow up the way they did - he doesn’t tell them that maybe he did, he just doesn’t remember it. Everyone thinks he grew up in a sheltered religious family. Laken suggests maybe he grew up in a cult.

Chris doesn’t argue. The lie is easier to believe than telling them the truth ever could be, and much, much safer. 

He and Laken don’t do anything special. Just hang out in Laken’s room mostly since their roommate goes out every single night and sees her boyfriend on the weekends. They just watch movies Chris hasn’t seen that everyone else is always quoting, they just sit on Laken’s bed and sometimes Laken has to reach over Chris to grab at their drink or their bag of chips and Chris feels his breath catch and thinks, maybe they’ll stay there and it feels like something he wants and something he doesn’t, both at once.

Tonight, there’s something even more electric between them than there ever has been before. Laken keeps glancing over, and every look seems weighted with meaning Chris doesn’t understand and couldn’t begin to explain to himself. 

The movie isn’t any different than the movies always are. They have their Chemistry book open between them - they share two different classes together - but neither of them is looking at it, not even a little. 

Everything is normal, but something is different.

Chris is sitting back against the wall, with one of Laken’s pillows - the thick one with those little arms - against his back, his eyes on the tiny TV but he has no idea what they’re watching, some Netflix show that Laken put on. He doesn’t think Laken is paying attention, either. 

Laken has their phone out, fiddling with it idly, and they look at Chris sidelong and then back down before they put it down, leaning forward to catch his eyes. “Hey, Chris. Can I ask you something?”

Chris looks over, and Laken is closer than he thought. He licks at his lips - they feel suddenly chapped and dry - and slowly nods. “Um, yeah, sure, sure you, you, you-you can,” He said, softly. He already had one hand grasping onto his feather idly, and hopes it looks perfectly natural when his thumb moves to rub over the textured silicone. Not nervous at all, just absolutely one-hundred-percent normal. 

“So… look, I figure it’s better to be super direct about this.” Laken swallows, and Chris realizes they’re nervous, too - and he didn’t know Laken got nervous, really, they’ve never acted the slightest bit nervous around Chris before. 

“Um… okay.” Chris winces as soon as it’s out of his mouth - there has to have been a better, smoother way to respond, but he genuinely can’t think of anything else to say. His mind has gone totally, utterly blank. 

“You’ve-... um, we’ve hung out a lot, the last few weeks,” Laken says, looking away from him and down at their bedspread, running a fingertip over the deep saturated orange-red paisley print there. It had surprised Chris to see their room the first time and realize that Laken - who alway wore black, who only wore black, had everything in their room a million bright colors. 

A lot about Laken surprises Chris. Like unwrapping a gift, only the gift just keeps unwrapping and there’s always a new present to be found.

“Yeah, we, we have.” 

Laken nods a little, as though Chris has asked a question, and then they take a deep breath and straighten their back, leaning over to look a little closer into Chris’s face. They have brown eyes, and this close Chris can see little flecks of green just around their pupil on the inside, a hint around the edges. “Chris, do you like me?”

Chris goes still, for just a second, before he rubs harder at the feather on his necklace and finds a kind of nervous smile, letting his hair fall alongside his face, taking comfort in the brush of sensation along his cheekbone. His heartbeat skips, stutters, stammers along with his voice. He’s on fire with fear and nerves and excitement. “Uh… um, I, I, I-I-I, I… yes. Yes, I, um, I-I like you.”

“Yeah, but… like for real, right? I’ve-... you know, I’ve fucked up noticing this kind of thing before, so I just want to check-”

Chris swallows around a lump in his throat - made of air? of words? of fear? - and nods, quickly, three or four times in succession. He’s going to throw up. He wants to throw up and sink into the floor and maybe drown somewhere else where this won’t have happened. But he wants it to happen.

And he doesn’t.

“Yeah, no, I, I, I do. I like you. Um, a lot, Laken.” 

Laken gives another slow nod while they lick their lips in thought, and Chris’s eyes are caught there, on the full swell of the bottom lip, the flash of pink tongue against it, the slight dip in the middle of the top lip. The trace of a smile always present in one form or another. The way Laken glances up to catch Chris’s eyes on their face and grins at him, warm. He feels it like a spark catching dry grass at the end of summer.

How would he know what that looks like?

“Laken the lightning bolt,” Chris whispers, and doesn’t know he’s spoken out loud until Laken moves and their mouth is on his.

Chris makes a noise like a whine in his throat before he can catch it, pushes back the training that still lingers in his mind even four years later and focuses instead on how Laken’s mouth has the slightest pressure against his, their bottom lip caught just between his two, and the kiss ends too soon and takes so long, both at once.

Laken pulls back, takes a breath, and says, “Holy fuck, you’re a good kisser.”

I got good marks in that-

Chris drowns the voice by reaching out and pulling Laken back to him, hands to either side of their face, his thumbs resting on cheekbones that look like they could cut glass as he kisses Laken again. 

Somehow he’s on his back on Laken’s bed with the soft puffy paisley comforter dipped slightly under his weight and Laken straddling him with their knees on either side. Mouths open, Chris can taste the cherry Coke that Laken is always drinking, thick and syrupy-sweet taste and he chases it with his tongue and Laken meets him with theirs, making a soft sound at the contact that sends a thrill right through Chris’s body, from the hairs on top of his head down to his toes. 

His heart is beating so hard it might break out of him and be visible to Laken and show them everything he’s thinking. His heart is pounding and there’s a thin line between thrill and fear and Chris is standing between the two as he feels Laken’s weight settle over his hips, rolling just a little as they sit back up.

He breathes hard - there’s an ache in his chest, something odd but he doesn’t want to question it or think about why his hands are starting to tremble as he watches Laken sit back. Those deep brown eyes lock on his and Laken gives a half-cocked smile as they pull their T-shirt off over their head, the black fabric bunched around their neck and then gone, tossed to the side onto the floor on the little red shag rug that they brought with them from their home.

Chris has a moment, just a hint of thought, about how much he likes running his fingers over that rug, the shag like fur.

“I hope binders don’t bother you,” Laken says, with a carefree air to their voice but there’s a catch in it, and Chris thinks that Laken is serious, they’re actually worried that whatever a binder is will bother Chris.

“A, a, a-a wh-” 

His eyes seem to come back into focus and he realizes Laken means the thing he’d thought was just a long sports bra or something, what looks like a form-fitting black tank top with thick shoulder straps they were wearing under their t-shirt and he blinks once, twice, three times. 

“Uh… no, it, it, it doesn’t.”

“Good. ‘Cause… it stays on.” Laken gives them a small smile, a hint of vulnerability, and Chris has never seen Laken look like that before. “I’m just more comfortable that way. Is that cool?” Every other moment with them has been Laken’s effortless confidence compared to Chris’s nervous, excited attempts to be half as cool as they are. 

But here it is. Just a little, just a bit - a moment where Laken wonders will he still like me if-

“Yeah… yeah, that’s, that’s, that’s-that’s-that’s cool.” Chris’s voice sounds ridiculous, airy and higher than he means it to sound, but Laken doesn’t seem to notice. They just breathe out a sigh of clear relief and lean back over him again.

Their hands on his face feel dry and warm, soft palms cupping his jaw on either side. His hands settling briefly at their lower back to feel the slight dip there. Then his fingers move up over the fabric of the binder, the curve of waist and ribs, and back down again. 

Chris is strung between Laken’s mouth and their hands, moving down his neck and over him, sliding up under his shirt. He’s on fire and his body is singing at the kind of touch it has been so thoroughly denied after having been so thoroughly taught to need a long time ago.

There’s a point, somewhere between one touch and another, where something inside Chris cracks open. Maybe it’s the motion of a hand over his hip, or the way Laken starts to undo the button on his jeans. Maybe it’s something else entirely. 

One moment, he’s on perfect fire. The next, he’s burning down.

His mind opens like Pandora’s Box, like he read about in class, only Chris isn’t full of things like sickness or death. Instead, with Laken’s hands sliding up his ribcage, Chris feels a terrifying helplessness pouring out of him from behind the dark wall he has built to separate the three lives he has lived in twenty-two years.

He cracks open, and Sir pours out.

Chris is fear and hurt and oil-slick smile and the voice and his pain and his pain and his pain-

The walls inside his mind can’t hold. The weight of it all is too great.

The cracks grow.

The dam breaks. The box opens. A voice whispers like fingertips that graze up the back of his neck, shouts like a hand gripped tight to his hair. A voice he has never forgotten, that he is never allowed to forget, no matter how hard he tries.

Be still, darlin’. This is what you were made for.

He doesn’t want this. He doesn’t have to anymore. He’s not made to do this, he’s not, and he doesn’t want to, and he never wanted to and they made him he never wanted this he never did they made him they made him they made him, rebuilt a boy that didn’t want to, he doesn’t want to do this-

He has spent four years learning to say no. He’s so good at it now. It’s just one word.

You don’t have the option of saying no. Not any longer.

“Chris?” Laken’s voice is low against his ear. Lips brush there and he shudders in disgust, he doesn’t want it to go this far, he doesn’t want it. There’s a vibration in his throat, he might have made a sound. He doesn’t know, he can’t hear it over the static noise beginning to blare inside his head.

I don’t want this.

What you want is irrelevant.

I have never once wanted to do this.

It has never mattered if I did.

What you want is irrelevant, it’s not an option, it doesn’t matter, you were made for this you’re made for this you’re not a person you’re lying they all know you’re lying they know they know they know they know

They know what you are they all know they all know they all know they all-

“Chris!” He jumps at Laken’s voice, his eyes rolling, white around the edges. He thinks they pull back from him but he can barely see, Laken is a blur of black binder and pants and brown skin and black hair.

Some part of him realizes they sound worried, not pleased, at his fear. They sound scared. No one ever sounded scared for him before. Chris’s eyebrows furrow in a vague confusion.

“Hey, are you okay? Oh, shit, are you okay? Hey, Chris, talk to me, you have to talk to me-… look, look at me, please look at me.” Laken pats the side of his face and Chris flinches, hands flying up to guard himself. He whimpers - he can’t remember how to beg not to be hit. 

“Oh my God,” Laken whispers out loud. “Oh, shit. Chris… Chris, what’s wrong?”

When his mouth opens, nothing comes out at first. No sound. No air. How do you breathe? He used to know. It used to just happen - lungs expanding and contracting without his consent, he didn’t have to tell them, they just soaked up oxygen and fed it to his blood. Suddenly he understands that he can’t breathe unless he thinks about breathing and he gasps in air, a whine on the exhale, fear is burning him he is burning he is on fire. 

It’s only after Laken has moved back that Chris looks up to see the open concern for him on their face. It’s only then that he remembers how to speak.

“I… I, I have to, to-… to, to to to go.”

“What? Hold on, no-”

Chris has already pushed them back and away, is already up and out of the bed, pulling his shirt back down. He forgets shoes exist in the moment, he’s running barefoot out into the dorm’s hallway with Laken’s voice at his back, reminding himself consciously inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale, inhale exhale inhale exhale inhaleexaleinhaleexhaleinhale-

There are people in the lobby who look up when Chris flies past, a blur of blue hair and bare feet slapping briefly against the tile floor before he hits carpet again. He doesn’t stop to see if he knows them. He doesn’t stop.

His brain breaks apart under the strain and everything crashes together. He can’t ever look at Laken again he can’t do this he doesn’t want to do this with anyone he never wanted to they just made him think he did even when he didn’t he just wanted to be with them but not like that and now everyone knows they know they know

The world is a cacophony of sound around him - music muffled behind dorm room doors and people talking and the crinkle of a bag of chips and someone shrieks, playful and harsh, and the sound grates in Chris’s ears. Back behind him he hears Laken call his name, but he barrels into the door to the stairwell - Chris lives on the fourteenth floor and he’s never seen anyone in the stairwell before and figures he won’t see anyone now

His brain is twisted in two directions - go up or go down, one or the other, he can’t decide, his thoughts go both ways and finally he runs down. His feet drag against rough strips laid to keep shoes from slipping on rainy wet days, the concrete stairs are freezing cold against his toes.

He can’t breathe he can’t breathe he can’t breathe

There’s nowhere to run, trainee. Where would you go? How would you ever find your way out?

There’s no way out.

He collapses somewhere near the tenth floor, maybe. His foot skips a step and the world spins in a sick whirl around him. Chris slams down onto the landing, pain flaring up his arm and shoulder as he lands hard on his right side, crying out. His voice echoes in the stairwell but no one hears him.

The fluorescent lights are flat and eternal in the stairway, and Chris sobs, fingernails scrabbling at the ground just to remember that he’s lying on concrete and not white tiles. His arm hurts, a dull throbbing ache, and he winces as he moves it just to be sure it’s not broken.

The button on his jeans is still undone and he feels his pants shifting oddly on his hips without it fastened as he scrambles into the corner of the landing, curling himself into a tiny ball. 

He’s going to have to drop out. They’ll know and they’ll tell the admissions people and they’ll make him drop out and it doesn’t matter, he can’t look anyone in the eye ever fucking again. He can’t look Laken in the eye. He can’t look at anyone. Ever.

Chris lets out a wail he can’t hear around the noise in his mind and slams his head back against the brick wall, trying to drown out the sound with sensation. It’s not enough so he hits his head again. And again. Again and again and again and again and again-

Oh, like that’s going to help. You’re a fucking piece of work, 223499. 

His fingers are in his hair, gripped tight, pulling on it as hard as he can as he rocks back and forth, trying to stop the thoughts in his head the voice the hands the feeling that he doesn’t want, he’s never wanted, he never wanted this he never ever wanted this-

Oh, darlin’, my beautiful boy, you’ve made such a mess of yourself, haven’t you?

There’s an echoing voice in the stairwell, the sound of steps growing louder, but they seem like maybe they’re just in his head like Sir’s voice like the handler like his whole life is just something he’s lived inside his head and he’s not allowed to have these feelings anymore. 

He’s not a person. Why did he think he could fake being a person? It was a stupid fucking mistake and he needs Jake to hold him and make him remember but Jake isn’t here and he was stupid to think he could go to college, he’s so stupid, he’s so fucking stupid to think he can be anything but what they made him, he’s so fucking stupid to think he gets to want things or not want things, it doesn’t matter what he wants it never mattered it’s never going to matter.

He can feel hair tearing free of his scalp and the pain is clean and the pain is pure and the pain is not the noise inside his mind and the world around him is too much. The brick wall is too red and the light is too white and the sound of footsteps bounces in his skull.

His heart beats too hard inside his chest, he’s a prison inside and out for himself. 

Chris makes a strangled noise in his throat but he can’t make sounds and breathe at the same time.

He’s a wildfire burning down the forest, he’s the skeletons of trees and dead animals scorched and charred. He’s a ruined place where the ruins think they’re still buildings and don’t know any better than to wonder where all the people went.

He’s a dead tree that remembers the birds.

There are sounds nearby but he can’t hear them, there are people but he can’t see them. He can only rock - back and forth and back and forth, letting his head hit the wall behind him, tearing hair out with his hands. 

It hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts

“-he is!”

Something trickles into his mind, some hint of sound, and a moment later there’s a face in front of his and Chris flinches back and away from it, letting out a shocked, terrified cry. “N-no, Sir, please!”

It takes whole seconds ticking by for him to realize it’s Dylan.

“Chris?” Dylan’s hair is in his eyes, still wet from a shower, and he’s wearing his pajama pants and no shirt, blinking. “Hey, man, what’s happening? Laken came and got us, they’re freaking out, man, what’s going on with you right now?”

Chris opens his mouth but nothing happens. The words are gone. Were there words? They know, they’ll all know. He can’t tell them. It doesn’t matter, they’ll know, anyway. They’ll know and someone will call the cops but he doesn’t have a barcode to be scanned, anymore, so-

It doesn’t matter. Sir is in jail. They won’t send you back to him, they’ll refurbish you, back to white walls back to white lights back to the pain and the fear and what you were made for-

Chris whines and covers his face with his arms, hands up in his hair, rocking and rocking and rocking to try and rock the thoughts out of his mind.

“He can’t talk right now,” Ben says from behind Dylan. Chris’s eyes dance up to his, peeking between his arms, and Ben looks back at him with a kind of calm on his face that Chris wants to grab and hold onto. “Back up a little, Dill, give him space.”

Dylan shuffles back a few steps but doesn’t stand up, resting his back against the central pillar where the stair railing attaches. “Got it. What the fuck’s happening right now, Ben? He looks like-”

“Yeah, describing what it looks like isn’t going to help it go away, dumbass.” Ben just gives a shrug and then turns, speaking over his shoulder at someone further up the stairs. “Run up and get a blanket, okay?”

A flash of something, black clothes and brown skin. Laken running back up the stairs. Heat flares in Chris’s face as he realizes they saw him rocking, saw him - how much did they see?

I wasn’t still. I should have been still. Just stayed still and let it happen, stayed still and been hurt because it’s what I’m made for, what I’m made for, all I am-

He starts rocking hard back into the wall again, but he sees Dylan flinch, and something in the movement stops him.

“We’re here, Chris,” Dylan says. His voice is gentler than Chris has ever heard it, calm and soft. He sounds like Nat. He sounds like Jake in the middle of the night when Chris calls because it’s storming and he needs someone to tell him a storm is just weather and it doesn’t mean fear anymore. “We’re right here. Take your time, we’re here.”

Ben shifts slightly into Chris’s field of vision more fully. “Chris, I’m going to talk to you right now, and you don’t need to talk back,” He says quietly. “I just want you to hear me, if you can. That is all we need from you right now, just to know if you are hearing me. Can you hear my words?”

Chris shudders and nods, trying to show he’s trying.

“Good. If you can, I need you to stop pulling on your hair. Can you hold your necklace instead, will that help you?”

“What are you doing, Ben?” Dylan asks, glancing up at Ben, whose expression hasn’t changed. “Why are you-”

“Redirection,” Ben interrupts, voice slightly flat.  

Chris closes his eyes, puts all the strength in his body into pulling his fingers out of his hair. Strands of blue with strawberry blond roots drift towards the concrete, settle there. His arms move only with supreme effort but he finds the necklace still right there over his sternum, and he grips onto it with one hand as tightly as he can, rubs his thumb over the texture silicone plastic, a desperate push for texture. He takes a breath and taps his fingers against his leg, tap-tap-tap-tap against his thigh, rapid-fire, as quickly as he can. Lets the soothing rush of each sensation rock through him. 

He stops rocking back into the wall.

“Okay.” Ben swallows, his eyes moving like he’s reading a book inside his mind. “Okay, Chris. I want you to breathe, okay? Just focus on breathing. You don’t need to do anything right now but breathe. Don’t think about trying to speak to us, just take your time. We just want to be here if you need us, okay?”

Chris manages a nod. He can do that. He can breathe.

He can remember how to breathe, and if he can remember how to make his lungs work without having to think about it, he can remember how to speak, too. He drops his eyes back to the ground, rocking a little but he can keep his hands busy with the feather and the tapping and push away everything else, the touches of Laken’s that had lit him up in good ways that were too close to the bad.

There’s silence from the two other boys, for a while. And in their presence - the visible, tangible reminder that his life is not what it used to be and it will never be that life again - Chris can feel his lungs start to work. The automatic reflex of breathing starts back up without his conscious input. His heartbeat starts to slow. He stops rocking.

More steps on the stairs and Chris looks up to see Laken holding their paisley comforter in their hands. Their shirt is back on but it’s backwards and inside out and they don’t seem to notice as they move over, glancing at Ben nervously. “I have a blanket. What now?”

“He’s overstimulated and the lights bother him. I noticed that before. Let’s cover him with the blanket.” Ben takes a corner of the blanket and Dylan takes a third and between them they pull the blanket open and taut and move to hold it over Chris’s head. The darkness descends on him like a comforting physical weight and Chris feels the prickles of the fluorescent lights on his skin suddenly stop.

They just… hold the blanket, there, for a while. 

Chris feels his knees unbend, his legs slowly straightening. His shoulders lower and he looks at the three of them, seeing their legs showing before the darkness of the blanket covers up their top halves from his vision. Laken in their slightly faded black pants, Dylan in his pajamas, Ben still wearing paint-splattered jeans. 

Circling him, but not as predators. 

Close enough to touch, but nobody’s hand is out to grab.

“I…” His voice croaks at first, and he has to stop and clear his throat. How do you speak again? He shakes his head just to feel the brush of blue hair against his cheeks, to see the flash of it in the corner of his eyes. “I’m… better.”

“Are you sure?” It’s Ben, still. “Don’t try to be better if you’re not, you don’t have to do that for us.” Chris doesn’t know Ben that well but right now he wants to hold onto him and not let go. He’s a Jake, Chris realizes. Someone who wants to help people and knows how. 

“Yes,” Chris says, softly. “Laken, I’m, I’m, I’m-I’m sorry, I’m so-so-so, so, so so so-... so sorry.”

“Hey, it’s okay. Shit happens.” The blanket-sky over his head is collapsed as they move to wrap it around his shoulders instead. He sees concern written over their faces, not derision. He expected disgust. He expected loathing. 

Instead, Dylan drops next to him, holds out a hand, pulls back it. “Chris, can I-”

“Please, yes,” Chris whispers, and Dylan leans in to wrap an arm around his shoulders, pulling him into an awkward side-hug, pressing his face into Chris’s hair. Chris leans hard into it, but he keeps himself moving, tapping his leg, rubbing at his feather, lets his legs shift a little. The energy is twisting around inside him, it has to find somewhere to go.

“How did you know all of that would work?” Dylan asks Ben, still holding onto Chris. Laken moves to his other side, watching him with deep brown eyes that don’t see him any different than they did before. 

“My brother.” Ben gives a shrug, casual as can be, but he’s watching Chris with careful consideration, eyes moving over his face, the way his hands are moving. “He was having a m-”

Chris meets Ben’s eyes. Something passes between them in a fraction of a second, and he knows Ben sees the way he is pleading without the words to know what he’s asking for.

“-a panic attack,” Ben finishes. “I’ve seen them before. It’s okay. He’ll be okay. We need to get him back up somewhere, though. Can we get you back to your room, Chris? Are you tired? Do you need sleep?”

Chris swallows and shakes his head. He can’t sit still in his room, not now. He can’t sleep. He’ll see Sir behind his eyes. 

Will he see Sir forever?

Ben nods, lets out a breath, and his eyes move to the side, in thought. Staring at the stair railing. 

“Outside,” Laken says suddenly. “I’ll… we can go for a walk. Down by the lake, it stays quiet over there. Yeah?” They look at Chris, and he wants to say no but he doesn’t want to say no. He wants to tell them why and he doesn’t want to. He can’t reconcile the two tracks, the trains of thought that run parallel in two entirely different directions.

“I’m sorry,” He whispers. “Laken, I, I, I-I’m so sorry-”

“Fuck off, don’t be,” Laken says, and they smile at him. They smile, after everything he just did. “Shit happens, like I said. But would it help to get outside for a while? No pressure, I promise. Absolutely none. We’ll hit up the Student Center, get some coffee, walk over to the lake and around it. Yeah? No talking if you don’t want to.”

“No, I… I, I do want to. I, I do, I want-... I want to.” And… and he does. He does want to. He wants to walk around the lake with Laken, maybe even hold their hand, maybe hug them some more. He likes the hugging. He even liked the kissing. It was, was just-... it was just what came after the kissing that scared him.

“What if he has.. Um… Ben?” Dylan is gnawing on his fingernail, index finger. He does that when he’s nervous, and Chris wonders sometimes what the difference is between nervous habits and what he does, why there are different names for things that are sometimes the same. “What if he freaks out again?”

“He didn’t freak out, Dill. I’ll explain it later and show you what to do next time. Come on, Chris, let’s get you back upstairs so you can get some shoes on.” Ben gives him a smile and an offered hand, and it’s Ben’s hand that Chris takes, curves his fingers around, uses it to pull himself up. 

Laken on one side, Dylan on the other, Ben in front of him. 

“You’re okay, Chris,” Ben says, gently. “You’re okay.”

“We got you, man,” Dylan says, and squeezes him around the shoulders again. “If you need help, we got you.”

“I, I need… I, I need to, to to to call my, my brother,” Chris says, his voice low.

What you want is irrelevant-

“Your phone’s still in my room,” Laken says, and gives him a warm smile, a curve of those lips that were so soft and then so hard and always so perfect against his. “Okay? You can call him right away.”

“I want to talk to Jake,” Chris says, softly.

What would ever make you think anyone cares what you want, beautiful boy?

“Sure. Sure, Chris. Anything you want.”

Every step back up the four flights of stairs that will take him back to his floor is a calming, grounding motion. Foot on concrete, place and balance, step up to the next. One by one by one. And with each step, his friends are on either side of him. They fall into an easy conversation about something someone did last week during a co-op game they played and they don’t ask to explain himself or to justify his actions. They’re just… there.

Dylan keeps an arm around him, and Chris feels himself lean against it, chasing the kind of contact that feels safe and not dangerous. Laken brushes fingers against his hand, just a little, and gives him the softest smile that maybe says they’re still interested.

Ben stays just ahead, but looks back on occasion.

He’s the one Chris worries about. He’s the one with something brewing behind his eyes. He’s the one with the questions that Chris can’t answer, doesn’t want to, would rather choke on the words and die.

Or maybe not. Maybe he’s reading too much into the curiosity that Ben never quite hides behind his glasses.

Maybe.

“Hey, you don’t have to walk, by the way,” Laken says when they’ve made it back to his room. “If you want to go inside and just, like, chill and have a reset, you can do that. I can get your shoes and stuff back to you and you can just hang with Dill. It’s not a big deal. Okay?”

Chris shakes his head, a little too quickly, and he’s rewarded with the slight smile on Laken’s face in response, the barest flash of their teeth. It makes him think of their stomach, the way it had curved just a little, the softness he had, for just a second, wanted more than anything to touch. 

“No, it’s-... I want to, to, to-to-to walk with you,” He says, shyly, his voice catching and coming out a little softer than he meant it to. “Just… not.. Um. Can we, um, can we not, not, not-not-not, um, can we not-”

“No more touching?” Laken asks, carefully neutral.

“No, not that, just-... just. Um. Can we not-... can we not talk about-”

“Yeah, Scout’s honor.” Laken crosses index finger over middle finger and gives him a grin. “I absolutely one hundred percent swear we will only talk about, like, nature and stuff. Sound good?”

Chris lets out a breath he hadn’t known he was holding, and he meets their smile with one of his own. “... yeah, that, that sounds great.”

“Good. Then I’ll get your phone so you can call your brother while you put your shoes on. I… I like you, Chris. I’m sorry if I pushed too fast.”

“I’m, I’m sorry if-”

Laken presses a finger to his lips and Chris feels the spark of it, the same way he felt before. A dull burn that he doesn’t want to feel any brighter or hotter than this. “Don’t be sorry,” Laken says. “Just go on a walk with me. We’ll figure shit out as we go, right?”

“Right.”

“Perfect. I’ll be right back with your phone.” Laken pulls their hand back and moves away down the hall, back towards their room. Chris watches them go, gorgeous in their inside-out shirt. 

Can you want to kiss someone if you don’t want to do anything else? Can you like someone if you can’t-... if you can’t be what I was? What if I don’t want to, ever? Is it Sir taking me over if I don’t want to?

But I didn’t want to, before, did I?

They made me.

Didn’t they?

“Hey,” Dylan says from inside. “You wanna change clothes first? You were pretty sweaty.”

Was he? Chris blinks and looks down at himself, realizing only now that he’s covered in a thin film of sweat drying sticky on his skin. And he’s going to go on a walk. Because he wants to go on a walk with Laken, in the dark, where nothing happens.

Where he isn’t afraid.

Where what he doesn’t want to do matters just as much as what he does.

Chris nods, slowly, steps back into his room, and shuts the door. 

“Can I… hug you, man?” Dylan asks. “I mean, if you don’t-”

“I do,” Chris says, and Dylan’s arms are around him, strong and sure. He melts into the embrace and hugs back, dropping his forehead against Dylan’s shoulder, bouncing lightly on the balls of his feet. “Dill, I, I just, I-”

“I know. You been through some shit, right? And it got to be too much?” Dylan snorts, but it’s a soft sound, a kind one. “I get that. It’s okay, Chris. It’s okay. It’s okay.”

It begins and ends with touch.

[innocent-until-proven-geeky]

Hang on I’m sorry I’m not gonna be able to rest until I get this off my chest

Just saw a post from a fairly well-known anti-retail-customer (and coworker and manager) blog where the anon said essentially “hey coworker I get the need to fidget but I have autism and it’s a sensory bad and I need you to not and actually you’re being very rude”

So let’s talk. Again. About conflicting accommodations.

Every disability is different. They are different. And they require different things. The example I use most often because I have the most experience with it is conflicting accommodations regarding fire alarms in public spaces. These fire alarms are designed so that Deaf people will be able to notice them, and are equipped with flashing lights and loud, buzzing sounds so that even if one can’t hear, they can feel the vibration in their ear. For me as an autistic person with primarily sound sensitivity, the sheer volume, coupled with that vibration and the flashing lights, causes an immediate sensory overload so severe that I shut down completely and have to be led out of buildings during fire drills or I cannot move. As I’ve said before, there’s no easy way to accommodate both the autistic community’s needs and the Deaf community’s needs, and I don’t begrudge anyone the use of these alarms. I use this example solely to help people understand that one accommodation does not always help all disabilities.

As someone with autism and ADHD, I fidget and stim. A lot. Almost constantly. I tap, I click, I hum, I bounce my leg—I’ve started using knitting as a form of stimming. And while, unlike tics, stims are voluntary and I can stop doing them, if someone were to ask me to stop it would actually make it worse because now I am A) feeling guilty (RSD) for upsetting/hurting them and B) suppressing my self-stimulatory behaviors that I use for emotional and sensory regulation. I could stop for a while but that would cause either a panic attack or worse stimming, frankly probably within fifteen minutes.

It is COMPLETELY understandable that my need to stim may harm someone else who has a sensory processing disorder that makes it painful. Dude, I’m autistic and sometimes my OWN STIMMING is enough sensory input to hurt me. But it’s not rude unless they are intentionally trying to upset you with their fidgeting; it is a conflicting accommodation. And stimming is often done mindlessly, anyway! Before my diagnosis I would rock back and forth if I was reading or doing homework and not notice for ten, twenty minutes.

And honestly there are ways to combat this? If you, anonymous person, are professionally diagnosed and not self-diagnosed, you can ask your manager to move you away from this coworker, to schedule you two with no overlap, or if you can wear earplugs or headphones when working with this particular coworker (and no hate against self-diagnosis here, it’s just that unfortunately you can’t use self-diagnosis to ask for accommodations in most workspaces). If none of those work due to the nature of your job, help your coworker find new stims. Buy them a set of those Atlantis pens by BIC (I think they’re BIC), because they have an almost-silent click. Buy them a fidget cube or fidget pad and ask them to click the quiet buttons and not the clicky buttons. I think this anon mentioned humming, too, and honestly I don’t have a way to help with that, but hopefully by eliminating one source of input the second source will be less distracting or painful.

If your coworker refuses to help accommodate you, THEN they’re rude. Just a downright asshole. But no one is rude by virtue of needing to fidget.

[the-casual-reply]

Stimming in Public

I stim. I’m sure you, the reader of this post, probably stim as well, or know someone who stims. Because of this, we know how important and necessary stimming is to the health of autistics and other groups who become overstimulated in similar ways. And I’m sure we at least have an idea of how stimming is viewed by the general public: it is seen as cringey, unacceptable, distracting, alarming, and even dangerous, among other things.

Because of this, people who stim in public are often met with a largely negative response to their coping mechanism. This can range from strange looks or casual comments, to abuse and ostracism. Outside of communities like ours, most people do not know what stimming is, and because they are human, are upset and confused by it.

I’ve been asked about my stimming multiple times at school and I always give about the same response: ‘what I’m doing is called stimming, short for self stimulatory behavior, and it’s common in autistic people like me. it is a way for me to release extra energy and manage my sensory intake.’ This usually gets a neutral to positive response, and I know that people are not asking to be rude or judgmental: they are merely curious. And there’s nothing wrong with that.

However, I had one particularly jarring response to my stimming about a month ago. I had just found out that my partner’s class schedule had changed and that I would have 2 classes with them every day for the rest of the quarter at least. Naturally, I was overjoyed, and began physically and verbally happy-stimming. Then, I was approached by one of my closest friends, and what he said was almost enough to knock me down from my happiness:

“What are you doing? Are you high or something?”

I had heard about discrimination to autistics for stimming in public. I had even heard about autistics being arrested for stimming in public for the exact thing that my friend was accusing me of: police officers mistake stimming or similar coping mechanisms for the person being high, and arrest them. This had never happened to me before, and because of that, it struck deep.

Later, I talked to my friend about how hurtful his words had been, and explained what I was doing. He felt terrible and apologized immediately. But that doesn’t change the way that he and others perceive autistic behavior: cringey, unacceptable, distracting, alarming, and even dangerous.

This is why we need autism awareness outside of just our community! Things like this happen to countless people every day, and they feel the same pain that I do. That’s ridiculous! So, I educate. I tell people about my diagnosis and how it effects me. I am unashamed and unafraid because I know that no matter what people say, my autism is amazing and wonderful. And this is the message I give to you: I hope that if you aren’t already, that one day you can be in a place where you are safe enough to be confident in yourself along with your diagnosis, and use your experience to help educate people, and in turn, help minimize the pain of future generations of autistics.

[ti-bae-rius]

Can you tell me more about stimming? Sorry to ask!! (I'm the one hiding behind anon) x

Hi Anon! I’m happy to hear from you again. And yesss I’ll happy tell you about it. So stimming is short for self-stimulatory behavior or little repetitive actions that can be a method of self-soothing, particularly in busy environments or in heightened states. For example, I stim by moving my fingers and clicking and bouncing my knees. I also have a tic where I bend my head right down so my chin touches the base of my neck. Some of these happen when I'm happy, and some when I'm sad or scared. 

Some examples from Ty (because honestly when don’t I go to Ty for examples) include the fact that when he’s stressed, he rocks back and forth. I sometimes do this without even realising it! He also flaps his hands and counts on his fingers. These are all stims. The tools Julian builds him - like his bundle of pipe cleaners - are called stim toys, and using them is a kind of stimming too! I don’t have many I like but @sweetcabbageprince makes me these amazing keyring ones that I love and I like squeezing things like sponge or foam. I have a Sir Arthur Conan Doyle pendant that I like to spin in my hands when I’m anxious.

But stimming can be anything! Some stimming is self-injurious, for example Ty’s hand-biting in Queen of Air and Darkness. This is obviously difficult, because it’s tied to stress but it’s not a very healthy stim. Trying to find a harmless stim to replace it is always good. I’ve seen cool vocal stims and really unusual but awesome motor (or physical) stims like jazz hands or finger guns haha! 

I hope this helps, and again, it’s nice to hear from you. I hope you’re well xxx

[autismdad]

What do you do when your child has been diagnosed with autism?

You’ve been handed lengthy pamphlets about it and have heard of autism but aren’t quite sure what it entails.

Trust me, I’ve been there.

But, luckily I know my way around the internet and I did deep searching about it and have spoken to many autistic people and have gotten their take on it, of which many have informed me that their parents were only educated by other parents and they were taught by these parents so on and so forth, leading me to the conclusion that what we can find via surface level of searching is just what it sounds like— the surface level. Thank god I went to those who have experienced it firsthand, because the abuse I’ve found in the common “parent learning grounds” is far too much to even stomach.

Let’s get some of the basics down before we dive into the specifics:

—

Vocabulary

No lesson would be learned without the common vocab. There are many many complex words that come with the diagnosis that will leave your head spinning, no doubt. I for one am no psychologist and I had a rough idea about what autism was in the first place, let alone all the terminology that came with it. Here’s a list of the most common vocab you will need for my guide:

Autistm spectrum disorder- a neurological and developmental disorder that begins early in childhood and lasts throughout a person's life. It affects how a person acts and interacts with others, communicates, and learns.

Sensory processing disorder- a condition in which the brain has trouble receiving and responding to information that comes in through the senses.

Self-stimulatory behavior (stimming)- the repetition of physical movements, sounds, or repetitive movement of objects common in individuals with developmental disabilities, and most prevalent in people with autism spectrum disorders

Executive dysfunction- the inability to pay attention, remember information, multitask, and other skills required to do tasks that require planning, organizing, strategizing, and managing time.

These are all important to understanding the full picture of what your child has been diagnosed with. Autism comes in many shapes and sizes and your child may not experience sensory processing disorder or they may experience it worse than another child, same for executive dysfunction and self-stimulatory behavior. Even if they don’t experience some of the above, knowing their disorder to the fullest will help you in raising them.

One very important thing to note about Autism Spectrum Disorder is that there is no cure.

The way to handle this disorder as a parent is to accept that there is not a cure and that your child is just normal, but requires a bit of extra help and patience. Looking for a cure or investing in one is a waste of time and doing so will only beat your child down and give them the mentality that there is something wrong with them. They aren’t broken or stupid and they should be treated like a normal child, but with extra care and patience.

Autistic people are known to be intelligent, invested, creative, passionate, and caring.

Your child may be in need of more care, but they are far from broken. Treat them with the same respect as a neurotypical child.

—

Wording

Phrasing is just as important as caring for your child.

Try to avoid saying that they have autism. If you treat their disorder like a disease they will feel as if there is something wrong with them.

Try not to talk to people around your child about them being autistic when it comes down to negative things.

Try not to excuse their behavior by saying “oh he/she is autistic, so—“. Trust me, that will only cause more issues down the road.

Just like any other child, be careful with how you approach things with your child, especially when it has to do with them being autistic.

Due to the extreme amount of negativity painted upon autism, you don’t want to put any ideologies into their head about them being autistic. You don’t want to single them out or make them believe that they will be singled out by others; doing so will just make them feel like a burden and will have prolonged effects on them.

—

Ways to help

This section is too broad to simply go over in a part of this post, I’ll have to make another post just about how to help in many different situations.

There is one point I’d like to make about treatments though;

It is never okay to put your child through more stress in order to cure symptoms such as non-harmful self-stimulation.

Get to know your child and what you’re planning on putting them through before putting them through any sort of treatments to prevent them from being hurt or traumatized. Many autistic children are put through therapies that make them change who they are completely to prevent symptoms from showing, but it doesn’t work; Autism has absolutely no cure. Please learn what harmful traits your child has before you take away parts of their personalities. Some social behaviors that are categorized as being symptoms will be worsened if attempts are forcibly made to try and change them.

Always do research on the treatments and make sure that your child will be comfortable. Learn about harmful procedures done on autistic children.

—

Research

One of the immediate ways to help your child is to research, research, research. Don’t just google either, message autistic people who run blogs, join groups where autistic people give advice, take notes. My suggestion is to ask actual autistic people for advice moreso than the armada of “autism moms” that come with Autism Speaks. Though they may not be parents, they had parents and they will know the do’s and don’t’s.

Finding unbiased sources can be difficult through google and, more times than not, you’ll find your search results are flooded with Autism Speaks.

Autism Speaks is an organization founded upon research and awareness for autism, but it has been found to be pretty bad for many reasons:

Small amounts of it’s money goes to autistic people.

It has no autistic staff members at all.

It promotes false ideologies about autistic people to gain money.

It supports anti-vaccination which has been proven to be false.

It supports deadly treatment methods.

It searches for a cure for autism and not for acceptance of autistic people.

It’s following also supports the mindset of being proud of your child for their mental disorder. You should be proud of your child for what they do, not their disorder. They aren’t their mental disorder. Treat them as an individual.

There are good organizations to research from such as ASAN, ANI and Autism Society of America.

—

Notes to leave off on

Even though it may be a lot to swallow at first, this journey is your child’s alone; you just need to help them through it the best you can. This isn’t the end of the world in any sense like many parents make it out to be. Just be patient and caring towards your child to make the journey easier for them.

[moondustaeil]

BTS reaction: walking in on their s/o stimming

BTS reaction: walking in on their s/o stimming

Reaction:  #1

Requested: yes, thanks for requesting

A/N: I decided to add more than just what the request said to have a broader view but this honestly sucks because i found it rather hard to write but thank you for making me experience this. Also, I am sorry for taking so long

stimming is short for self-stimulatory behavior and is sometimes also called "stereotypic" behavior. In a person with autism, stimming usually refers to specific behaviors that include hand- flapping, rocking, spinning, or repetition of words and phrases.

Seokjin

Jin would really be a bit surprised at first, he knew about your autism but you had tried to hide the stimming as good as possible. Hoping it would only happen when Jin wasn’t around. So when he walked into the room to see your hands moving , his smile made place for a frown on his face. “What are you doing?” he asked then, he clearly didn’t understand what you were doing. Only later he would understand what was going on, something he wouldn’t blame you for. It made him only more caring towards you, he always made sure that you wouldn’t feel bad about it.

Yoongi

Yoongi understood what could happen, he knew all of the things about autism and about you and your autism as well. But he never saw you doing any stimming at all, something he didn’t think of because it had never happened in front of his eyes. You had it under control, although both of you for the holidays had bought a little Christmas town: the moving train taking your attention all the time. As your eyes followed it around the entire time, round and round, this could continue all day. Yoongi noticed soon how you didn’t watch TV because you were looking at the train: he noticed by the start of the movie and by the end you were still doing the same. Yoongi first didn’t know what to do but remembered it could be a part of you, so he accepted it, making sure to only let the small train move around for an hour a day so that you could still watch it but also have time for your boyfriend.

Hoseok

He never noticed what you did, maybe because you tried to hide it from you as well. When he was out of the room you would drop objects: a plastic bottle, coins, a spoon. Just to hear what it sounded like if they fell down, it was a part of your autism and you knew it. But when Hoseok caught you dropping a book, he found it rather weird: letting out a laugh as he asked you why you just let it fall on the ground. It all confused him when over the next days he began hearing you dropping more things. But Hobi found out what stimming meant and that it made you drop things just to hear what they sounded like. And he didn’t mind, he knew he would let you do so, and even made sure everything was quiet before you dropped something . Although he made sure that you wouldn’t drop anything breakable.

Namjoon

When you rolled your eyes he frowned, he thought it had something to do with the words he just said. Of course he asked if you didn’t like his idea, but since you said that you liked his idea, your smart man began to think more. He went to his own studio, stayed there for an hour and left you alone to wonder what he was doing. Namjoon came back and took both of your hands with a smile “don’t  you dare to roll your beautiful eyes at me again, beautiful girl. It makes me love you even more” he said soft but in a voice that made you know how he learned about stimming and all of the things it would mean.  By those words he actually meant that it was alright, it was your thing and he wanted to accept you in the way you were.

Jimin

Jimin heard you humming all the time, the day when you two met, you were humming too. He thought it was just something you always did, even when it annoyed him and he asked you to stop. But you didn’t stop, it started to get him angry that you hummed the entire time, although he didn’t want any big fights right before tour. The two of you made up, and he left for tour a few days later. It was when he came back from tour and he heard you humming that he knew it wouldn’t stop, he had searched on the internet: knowing you had autism which came with stimming, and for you it was just humming the entire time. He accepted it, but when it annoyed him, he would take both of your hands and do something fun together with you so that you wouldn’t hum constantly. You knew this, and didn’t mind, because Jimin didn’t want you to change, he wanted to help.

Taehyung

Taehyung heard his voice when he came home from practice, it made him smile to know you were listening to his music. Although he soon heard you rewinding the song, just to hear his voice again. As Tae took off his coat and shoes, he still listened carefully as his voice with the same line passed by for the fifth time.  As he walked in and silently looked at you doing so, he frowned a little “what are you doing, darling? Are you loving the song?” he asked sweetly and gently put you down on his lap, seeing your eyes staring at the laptop screen. You were about to rewind it again! You hadn’t heard his voice now that he had been speaking. It didn’t take Taehyung long to find out you did it more often and that it was part of the autism, sometimes it annoyed him that you played his voice a million times so instead he would sing it to you.

Jungkook

You swung back and forth while you were on the sofa, Jungkook frowned because there was no music to sway along to and yet you were doing it. Your eyes just staring forward but soon to him as he stood in front of you with a worried glance. Jungkook knew stimming was a part of autism and knew some odd things could happen but it wouldn’t make him love you less. And yet he couldn’t help but be worried every time that it happened, it just worried him because he didn’t know what was going on in your mind. But Jungkook usually made you sit between his legs, and he would sway with you but instead along to a song he would sing.