#because the 2 times i tried i failed
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hey guys reminder i have an instagram if you want to see just art then go follow it
#also . rbs are appreciated 🔥🔥🔥#hate instagram not going to lie and i always forget to post#also cropping is ass#but#its easier to sort things on there since its all in front of you you know#so im reposting my art onto there#and ill be posting more doodles#since i like to just post finished stuff on my tumblr#still dont know if i should make an art tumblr#because the 2 times i tried i failed#anyways#laurence says things 🌌#my post 🔮
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So you're a go to source for all things Dick&Tim bros and you tend to write primarily from Dick's POV. So, odd question, but if you were to summarize their relationship from his POV in FIVE panels which panels would you pick? Keeping in mind that one specific aspect of their relationship that you love needs to be clearly represented by each panel (loyalty, trust etc). I hope this is a fun challenge and not an annoying question so if you don't want to answer that's cool! Have a wonderful day!
No more talk. The same thoughts run through two minds... (SotB 29) / You're my equal. My closest ally. (RR 1) / I can't stop thinking how much I rely on him. (GoG 3)
25 Feelings Dick Has About Tim
This was such a kind ask & a cool challenge which I totally failed; here are TWENTY-five panels of Dick's POV on Tim sdfdsfds Look, I got carried away! Marcia and Cindy! The boys!!
OKAY SO BEFORE I GET TO THE PANELS A FEW NOTES:
WARNING THAT THERE ARE SOME NEGATIVE EMOTIONS IN HERE because I love conflict but but but you gotta remember those are not the final word!! They are complicated people and sometimes they get mad at each other BUT ultimately their relationship is so hugely important in both their lives & they love each other and rely on each other so much -!!! <3
Also I have CONCLUDING THOUGHTS at the end about what Dick's POV leaves out (mostly: a lot of Dick defending & protecting & supporting Tim, which Dick does instinctively but isn't very self-aware about most of the time)
I have loosely organized my list into 5^5 format (5 categories with 5 examples each!), so if you want to skip to a relevant one, here are the categories!!
Below the cut:
I hate him and find him infuriating (#1-5)
On second thought, he's endearing & fun (#6-10)
Grief is complicated & he's all tangled up in mine (#11-15)
I love him & think highly of him (#16-20)
I rely on him & though it's hard for me, I trust him (#21-25)
I hate him and find him infuriating (#1 - 5)
1) He thinks he���s so smart and can psychoanalyze me and Bruce, but he doesn’t know me at all, he should get lost (New Titans 61)
2) He thinks he’s so smart and can psychoanalyze Bruce but he doesn’t know Bruce at all, he should get lost (Gotham Knights 26)
3) He is so nosy about stuff that is MY business (Robin 0)
4) He sounds like an insincere suck-up half the time... but okay, fine, if you push him he's got a sense of humor about it (New Titans 65)
5) I'm sure he's a better vigilante than me. It's my fault for being a failure, but I resent him anyway. (Nightwing 9 - Dick's having a nightmare)
On second thought, he's kinda endearing (#6-10)
6) He worries too much and gets anxious so easily, but it makes him fun to tease (Robin 67)
7) I'm not that competitive - okay, so maybe I'm a little competitive, I gotta make sure he doesn't get a swelled head (Prodigal)
8) I'm supposed to be his favorite! It is not cool for him to be fanboying over my not-girlfriend's not-boyfriend!! (Birds of Prey 19)
9) We have fun together. I can kick back and relax when it's just the two of us. Plus I get to boss him around a bit. (Prodigal)
10) He’s always trying to reassure me, and I guess it's a little comforting, but also he doesn’t really get it. Or me. He makes excuses that he shouldn't, because he doesn't understand that I suck. (Nightwing 64)
Grief is complicated and he's all tangled up in mine (#11 - 15)
11) He reminds me of everything I try not to think about. Sometimes the memories are so strong it hurts to look at him. (Batman 441)
12) WHY IS HE BEING IMPOSSIBLE ALL OF A SUDDEN??? THIS IS SO FRUSTRATING (Nightwing 139)
13) We're the same. He says all the things I don't let myself think about. It's like arguing with myself. (Nightwing 139)
14) He thinks he gets to tell me what to do but he doesn’t, fuck him (Battle for the Cowl)
15) Life sucks, so what. I sucked it up so he should too (RR 1)
I love him and think highly of him (#16 - 20)
16) He’s the closest thing to a brother I’ll ever have. If someone hurts him I will hurt them harder. (Nightwing 6)
17) I can't handle the idea of losing him. (Nightwing 97)
17) He’s so good and I’m not. I'm afraid I’m bad for him. (Nightwing 110)
18) He’s better than me, and it’s kind of a relief because I know no matter what he’ll be okay. (Gates of Gotham 3)
19) In my head he’s the responsible one. (Gotham Knights 10)
I rely on him, and though it's hard for me, I trust him (#20-25)
20) I know I have to trust him but I'm afraid he'll make the wrong choices and get hurt (Nightwing 139)
21) I'm sure I know what he should do because I see myself in him - not that I can take my own advice, but he should (Blackest Night 3)
22) I trust him. When I’m losing my grip on things, he pulls me back. (Gotham Knights 10)
23) I want him to trust me (Red Robin 12)
24) He can tell when I'm lying. Sometimes he sees my weaknesses better than I wish he did. (Detective Comics 874)
25) He’s always there when I need him. (Teen Titans / Outsiders Secret Files)
Final rambling thoughts:
TIM: Uhh, okay, so I'm just skimming this list - do you really trust me? you're not just saying that? - but anyway, I'm confused because you left some stuff out? Like some stuff that's kinda important? DICK: No? I think I got everything? TIM (starts counting on his fingers): The time I was having a bad day but then I called you. The time I got captured by Two-Face but then you saved me. The time I fell off a train but then you saved me. The time I fell off a building but then you saved me. The time I fell off a different building - DICK: I feel like you're trying to make some kind of point but I'm not sure what it could be.
SO THE THING IS, I put 25 panels in here and not a single one has Dick catching Tim when he’s falling!!! But I think that's a central motif of their relationship from Tim’s POV, not Dick’s. I love Dick, but in some ways I think he is spectacularly un-self-aware.
And I think he especially has a lot of blind spots about Tim. He kinda intermittently gets that Tim admires him, and he enjoys it in a playful I-get-to-boss-you-around way. But Dick tends to consistently underestimate all of his own good qualities & skills, and he meets Tim at a point in his life when he's especially down on himself & his abilities. And so he's unable to see his own influence on Tim, & therefore unable to fully understand a lot of Tim's priorities and loyalties and motivations, because you can't actually understand Tim without understanding Dick's impact on him. There's a fascinating moment in Bruce Wayne: Murderer when Dick's completely blindsided & upset to discover that Tim doesn't entirely trust Bruce, even though this has been a definitive fact of Tim's whole thing ever since he showed up with his Batman needs Robin theory, and Barbara has to actively remind Dick of the obvious-to-everyone-except-Dick fact that a lot of Tim's loyalty is to Dick, and Tim loves Bruce but feels free to be more wary of him. (And to give Bruce credit: this is not something he ever begrudges.) But anyway Babs points this out, and Dick manages to sorta process it for about five seconds, but he cannot actually accept it into his worldview so instead he discards it at the speed of light and goes off and has an argument with Tim instead sdfsfdsf
All of Dick's virtues - Dick's kindness at the circus and Dick's determination to fight through grief and Dick's rigid sense of morals and Dick's vigilante skills and every time Dick has ever backed Tim up or listened to him or protected him or saved him from something or just been casually kind to a stranger in Tim's presence etc etc etc - all these things loom really large in Tim's mental story of Who Dick Is, and What Dick And Tim's Relationship Is. Tim meets Dick before he meets Bruce, trusts Dick more than Bruce, aspires to be Robin instead of Batman. And so in Tim's default version of the story, Dick is the super-special and admirable hero and Tim is... nobody in particular, a tagalong outsider who's barely managing to be a hero, not part of Dick and Bruce's family and not part of their story, who, if he's VERY LUCKY and tries REALLY HARD, might be able to fight his way to proving himself and offering something to Dick that Dick will value, if Dick doesn't get fed up with him first.
But that's not Dick's version of the story!!!
Dick's version of the story is almost the exact opposite, a story where Dick's an outcast failure black sheep who's screwing up everything he tries, and meanwhile Tim is The Sudden New Perfect Robin Who's Better Than Me And Probably Bruce Loves Him More And Probably They Gossip About What A Loser I Am, mixed with a complicated edge of Tim Thinks He's So Smart But He Doesn't Know Me/Us At All. Dick gets much more attached to Tim over time, and Tim gets unnervingly better at the know-it-all psychoanalysis so then Dick gets to have complicated feelings about him being right instead of just annoyance at him for being wrong, plus Dick's relationship with Bruce improves a lot, so Tim stops feeling so threatening. But Dick never fundamentally changes his basic theory of their relationship in which Tim is highly impressive and capable, and Dick is not so much.
And so asking Dick about Tim is kinda like if you asked George Bailey to tell you about Harry Bailey in It's A Wonderful Life; like, you'll be there for five hours while he tells you how great Harry is, and how accomplished Harry is, and how he doesn't really get how or why Harry does the things he does, and maybe George does feel a little resentful or jealous sometimes, but that pales in comparison to all his admiration and trust for Harry who he loves so much, who's better than him in so many ways, and he's not gonna openly gripe but secretly he can't help but feel sometimes like he's such a failure in comparison to Harry, a perfect person who emerged fully formed from Zeus's head with all the virtues and also all the accomplishments, etc. etc. etc. --
-- and he will not actually remember the part where he changed and saved Harry's whole entire life unless you literally send him to an alternate timeline in order to force him to remember it. <3
#i enjoyed thinking about this so much i wrote a novel with All My Thoughts sorry sdfsdfs#tim drake#dick grayson#somewhat tangential but as i was writing this i was thinking about zahri's post#about how different types of stories offer different kinds of emotional payoffs#and i think for me for dick and tim the main two payoffs are:#1) someone who sees & understands your grief for deaths that will never get fixed or get better#and who will face your ghosts with you EVEN WHEN you're also mad at each other#2) someone who you look at and you see all the ways that you suck & he's better & you're a loser who's failed him etc etc#but it turns out that you're wrong. that you're good enough. not that none of the failures were real or that they were all in your head#but it turns out that it's okay that you didn't always immediately do or feel the right thing#and it's okay that you weren't perfect. you can fuck up six thousand ways & everything you did right will still matter#not because of making excuses or allowances or somebody pityingly trying to make you feel better#but because in the end the things you did right are just Genuinely More Valuable than anything you did wrong#all the times you tried & everything that you tried to give - everything you think wasn't good enough - it was.#IN OTHER WORDS they are both convinced they're not good enough & they are both wrong <3#anyway dick and tim are both INCREDIBLY SIMILAR and also CONSTANTLY misreading each other and i love that for them#and like. they will sometimes totally misread each other & then never figure out the part that they misunderstood#but then they manage to keep going anyway. we love each other on purpose <333#ask tag#dick&tim
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actually it's kind of funny how people will say Alex's fatal flaw is that he 'doesn't ask for help' and that it's his determination to handle things on his own that leads to his deterioration and eventual death when his whole introduction to the present-day timeline was a very literal cry for help that simply went ignored
#N posts stuff#like even if you think alex was lying throughout the entirety of season 2 and he was waiting from the Moment jay showed up#JUST to kill him (Which again i don't think makes much sense when he could have killed Tim & Jay immediately instead of#breaking Tim's leg. anyway) EVEN IF alex spent that whole time lying it doesn't actually change the fact that he would have at least#been Pretending to Ask For Help and if he wasn't lying then he was Literally Asking For Help and it doesn't Actually matter#what intention Alex had because the text is Ambiguous about Alex's honesty during season two; what isn't ambiguous is the way#other characters (specifically Jay) respond to him; like yeah - S2 Brian/Tim were never in one million years going to help Alex with shit#so sort of any argument that brings up Tim as someone who asks for/offers help is borderline meaningless in this era of the series#Jay had the 'opportunity' to help Alex (and i'll get back to that in a sec) but DIDN'T - Jay wasn't Interested in actually offering Alex#'help' bc Jay is ultimately curious about Answers and 'Offering Help' and 'Getting Answers' are two Wildly conflicting goals#Jay thinks Alex has answers and when Alex doesn't Offer these 'Answers' to Jay on a silver platter Jay gets pissed off and paranoid#and starts Stalking Alex bc he thinks it's 'Suspicious' that Alex won't give him the Answers (that Alex probably doesn't Actually have)#ANYWAY. ultimately this post is about how it's absurd when people argue#that individual character choices could have made a difference in the way this series played out - specifically wrt Alex#because EVERYONE in this WHOLE series are being affected by influences outside of their control ; including Brian Tim and Jay#so it's silly when people are like 'if ALEX had just made a different choice For Himself this could have all been avoided' WRONG.#bc Ultimately there's not really a way to 'help' someone else out of this situation - Tim tried and failed Repeatedly#the comics proved he even failed with Jessica - like MH isn't a horror situation where you can kill the big bad#'getting help' is a meaningless argument - what would successfully helping or getting help even look like? anyway.#the sub argument of this post is that Alex's biggest 'sin' is that he doesn't perform emotions the way other people want him to#like Alex is a character with a kind of flat affect - instead of LOOKING scared or grieved he LOOKS bored or angry#and everyone judges him based on that - so Alex is 'Suspicious' he's 'Lying' he's 'Guilty' but all of these deductions are predicated#on the belief that Alex isn't reacting to his circumstances the way a 'Normal' person would - so it MUST all be an act and so he's guilty#so everyone treats him like he's guilty until the end of season two when he's like 'Fuck it FINE i'll be guilty then' and so it goes#not a self-fulfilled prophecy but being Cornered Into a prophecy and then Blamed for it - SAD. anyway
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haha I would never make a pikmin oc and then promptly forget she exists for 2 months……….never in a million years………lol…..lmao even……terri’s been here all along g guys……..look she has fluffy moth friend…..
#I feel like I abandoned my child. I can’t believe I forgot about her#she was never my favorite oc but man. I totally forgot about her didn’t I?#I only remembered her because I drew a moth in one of my school notebooks and then I remembered oh crap……I have a pikmin oc who likes moths#the moth’s name is amber btw#he was supposed to be for a totally unrelated oc but ummm (steals him and gives him to my forgotten daughter) that’s better#tried to make his wings scythe shaped. I failed#not for any particular reason I just think scythes are cool lmao#art#pikmin#pikmin oc#I love drawing fluffy things sm……..#anyway time to forget about her for another 2 months <3 bye bye Terri back to the closet with you
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Wverytime I sit down at a computer to make music I get so scared
#i like siting down with a guitar and writing music but the daw is still so scary to me and i dont know how to make it less scary#its like i dont know where to start#i understand music theory i can write chord progressions i can write melodies but arranging feels so daunting#like just trying to pick keyboard voices and stuff im like overwhelmed and then its like i just dont even know where to start#i think i need to do more covers to practice arranging because trying to do it with my own songs im just like i have NO IDEA#i do think that trying to recreate arrangements of other songs I like will help me but also just idk#i really want to get better at writing at the piano but i find it really hard#rn i write almost all my songs on the guitar then i guess what i have to do is try to think of like what style i want it to have#and sort of try to create a map like probably literally on paper and then try to go in and sort of do it but god its so hard i dont know#it feels so so daunting#even trying to make silly little stuff with just like some synths is really hard for me right now its so out of my comfort zone and AUGH id#its frustrating im scared of the computer but i also very much do not want to be an acoustic singer songwriter but thats all i can do#because all i can do is play fucking guitar!!!! and its just so frustrating#technically im like with a midi controller i should be able to do whatever program drums write little synth lines etc i dont have to like#know how to play piano and yet whenever i try to do it i just get so overwhelmed and freaked out with how many possibilities there are#that i just . cannnnnt#AHGHHHHHHHHHHHH im so im in such a bad mood right ow#ive had such a horrible night honestly#i think i will just go engage in fixation for comfort and then go to bed sigh#i dont know what to do to improve at making music in the daw i guess ill just maybe try again this weekend to take another crack at it#god its just so frustrating that i only started writing songs 2 years ago and have only learned to use a daw in the last 3 months i WISH#that i was one of these teenagers who spent all my time writing silly songs and playing around with a midi controller but i just didnt#because i was scared!!!!!!!#playing the guitar and singing has always been like the only thing that felt safe cos i felt if i tried to actually write and arrange songs#by myself i would fail so now i just feel so frustrated because i dont feel like a real musician and i feel like im starting too late#AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH whatever sorry for using the tags of this post as my diary but#i am frustrated!!!!
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First time drawing Kitano/Martin *head in hands*
#my art#splatoon#splatoon 2#splatoon 3#splatbands#wet floor#yoko and the gold bazookas#kagi splatoon#tsumabushi#mizole#kazami splatoon#ryan splatoon#kitano splatoon#toguro splatoon#I know nothing about organs but the one that I attempted to draw Kitano playing was a Hammond B-3#I'm headcanoning that Kitano plays organ and Toguro plays the guitar until Nintendo says otherwise. They're also besties.#Wet floor playing Jenga what could go wrong?#Ryan and Tsumabushi teamed up against Mizole and Kagi while Kazami watched (she'd be at a disadvantage if she tried to play)#Mizole spent the entire time trying to one-up Ryan and failing spectacularly#Meanwhile Kagi's mildly annoyed because the pieces keep falling on him </3#Tsumabushi is NOT helping clean up
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jun wu monroe. very nice king of heaven. no murder at all
#for ante... their favorite guy...#i know like 2 whole things about james monroe but i know he was the 4th jonas brother of the founding father#NO glory NO great skills or intellect#im imagining like... horrible incel self esteem issues#he tried so hard to save his people and failed. so now whenever he sees someone trying to do the same#he 'saves them from themselves' (read: keep them from succeeding where he failed because otherwise hed be forced to recognize that he just#wasnt good enough to do it himself)#VERY GOOD IDEAS COOKIN...#seen as very proper. a little stiff. but gentlemanly and gallant and of course the most OP god of the heavenly realm#famously vanquished white iron several times... etc etc etc...#has a habit of scooping up gods and adopting them as his sons. many such cases (at least 2)(3 if you count hayne as his stepson)#sword of virginity reveals etc etc...#tcgf au#anyways I tried to channel his butt chin and vacant blue eyes and sort of forgot to add in the 19th century sauce#lost in the xanxia sauce as it were
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(homestuck specifically does not count here because its too popular and would break the intent of this question. I dont care if you read homestuck. Pretend it doesn't exist for the purposes of this question)
#God I genuinely hope nobody adds a longwinded list of recommendations to this post. I'm just trying to check if I'm insane#mypost#The intent of this question being trying to see if my thought that nobody reads these is justified at all.#Not meant disparagingly to the medium really. Its just that it kind of seems like everyone keeps trying to make one but nobody reads them.#Or maybe that's just my own personal problem and very limited amount of people i know.#Ive had like at least 2-3 major ''tried to make comic and failed'' incidents in the past (when i was like 15 you don't remember them.)#without having actually particularly read or cared about anyone else's. i feel like this may be strange to have done several times.#it is only a very recent development that i am even keeping up with a comic at all and its still just one...#and that was kind of because it was started by a person i was already following beforehand#so it kind of would have showed up in front of me either way.
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correct me if I'm wrong but I was just thinking about the roykeeley in season two of it all, and that fight where Keeley loses it at Roy for being clingy because she can't handle how close they are now that they work in the same building but like,,, Keeley and Roy would have been working in the same building while dating for a good chunk of season one as well.
She started working at Nelson Road before Jamie was even sent back to Manchester. They would of had months working in the same building, so either Roy has always been that clingy and Keeley just didn't mind at first, which I found doubtful given that it only takes her like a week to blow up at him for it in season two, or Roy being clingy is an out of character thing for him to be doing that should've raised some kind of red flag to friends and loved ones that I feel like from what we know about Keeley as a character would've been treated with more empathy than she actually had in the show.
#i'm going off of memory so this might not be anything#but wasn't one of her complaints that he sat quietly in her office reading when they were on break?#girl how is that being clingy and not just regular levels of wanting to spend time with your partner?#I stand by that Roy wasn't in the wrong for that#I actually stand by Roy not being in the wrong for MOST of his relationship with Keeley#I don't even think he was wrong for breaking up with her#I will not ever view breaking off a relationship you aren't happy in as selfish#and I don't care how much the show tries to make me view him as selfish for it or like he threw something good away#no he didn't#just because Keeley was hurt by being broken up with (understandable reaction) does not mean Roy did the wrong thing by breaking up with he#he looked at the way their relationship was going and saw that he wouldn't be happy if he stayed so he left#and the show tried to frame that as a bad thing#“maybe i should've just stuck around and enjoyed it”#no sir that's not how these things work#staying in a failing relationship just because you don't want to be alone isn't healthy you did the right thing#your career and your love life aren't metaphors for each other#and let me be clear Roy and Keeley were 100% a failing relationship right from the start of season 2 with the fight that inspired this post#keeley's feelings about the breakup aren't more valid then Roy's just because she's the hurt party#and they clearly broke up amicably if Keeley is willing to sit down and tell Phoebe about it with him#she wasn't jilted or wronged in any way and the show framing it like that grinds my fucking gears
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OH, LOL, before I disappear again -- I have to mention something funny that happened at the bar last night. So there's this young chick who's kind of snotty to a lot of people and sometimes she's nice but you never know how she's going to be. She loves to harass the Karaoke DJ anytime there are a lot of people at the bar and the Karaoke queue is longer. I don't generally interact with her unless she's singing a song I love and then I'll go up and dance (like i do with anyone singing a song I love).
So in the Ladies' bathroom, the paper towel dispenser has been getting worse and worse, and the last several weeks it's had a LOT of trouble dispensing towels. And last night it really just wasn't working. So I use the bathroom after this girl and when I'm about to wash my hands and she's about to leave, she says "the paper towels are out," and I said, "oh, they've been jamming all night :)" and I thought that was a normal interaction given the context and I proceeded to wash my hands but she just stood behind me and stared at me and as i looked over my shoulder in the mirror to see why she was still standing there a full 5 seconds later, she goes, "goddamn, I was just trying to warn you, geez" in the shittiest, most self-righteous tone I have EVER heard, and I start to say, "oh, that wasn't me being shitty, I was commiserating", but she STALKED out of the bathroom, LITERALLY flipping her hair as she did so. And then like 30 minutes later she harassed the Karaoke DJ AGAIN, to the point he felt the need to RE-elaborate on mic to the whole bar AGAIN that the queue was an hour long and he wasn't just forgetting people. It was so fucking wild 😂 Like, sorry, babe -- I'm having a great time out here and you are SO miserable.
#and like -- i was having a miserable time earlier when i was trying to get to my mom's concert and it was dark and wet and there was NO...#...parking anywhere and then right after I got settled in a seat 3 minutes before the concert started these two very unaware old ladies...#...decided they needed to change their seat and i was JUST starting the process of decompressing and calming down before the...#...concert started and i had to grab all my stuff and try to stand up before they chose to squeeze by me (which i was unsuccessful at...#...because they started moving past me before i could stand up and i was unable to stand up all the way because the pews are...#...VERY close together and they were already standing in the space my body would have to be in to be able to move for them.)#and like. when that happened? i just stood ip and did my best to let the ladies past while i grimaced at my hamstring cramping from.#...standing up quickly at a WEIRD angle and trying not to fall back down into the seat and take 2 old ladies with me. like. i didn't say...#...anything shitty to them even though they didn't give me ANY time or warning to move out of their way. i just did my best to get out of...#...their way. and i failed but i fucking TRIED you know????#and then later that night some miserable bitch decides to be shitty to me and the Karaoke DJ when no one was actually being...#...shitty to her. it was literally just circumstance.#fucking wild.#don't be that guy.#personal#not tagged
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YouTube is not ready for your cool and awesome LOZ opinions
real
#fr tho if anyone knows why the FUCK this is happening help me out because i cannot do another 2 hours of processing time#just for it to fail again. dear god#ive tried everything. i even tried uploading directly from premiere and that STILL didn't work#like ok to be fair this is a 2 hour long 6 gb video. but STILL#like is nintendo preemptively copyright striking me for badmouthing twilight princess or something#asks
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truly a blessing that im not home right now or i don't what i'd do to my roommate. fucking audacity
#long story short results from the final test from water constructiona got posted#she got the 9th highest score out of all 150 people#i barely passed having 2 points over the limit and our 3rd friend was short on 3 points so she will have to retake#mind you that last girl was the one who actually put the most work into this out of us three#she actually thoroughly prepared me while i read the presentations twice and my roommate didn't do anything at all#roommate got a cheat sheet minutes before the test from some rando and just copied the answers that were there#and now is boasting how she got one of the top scores without wasting any time#got lucky okay that's life#but then on the general uni group chat one guy asked about when's the 2nd try for the test#and i response to which my roommate on our private group started a whole ass monologue#that how in the worst HE didn't pass this. he was always getting top scores from all the subject. he got a 5.0 from hydrology#well shut the fuck up he's just some guy who's a student like anyone else#it's not set in stone that he'll always have top scores because it's just fucking hard anyway can do worse sometimes even top students#maybe he was tired maybe he didn't have time to study maybe he didn't have any cheat sheets and just tried to rely on his knowledge#anything can happen and he can get any grade just like anyone can#very few things piss me off as much as people saying stuff like her#i got so heated up over this that my head started to hurt#i hate it here#this is what makes me always so damn anxious before any test#because if i fail everyone always starts asking what happened and how ME out of all people didn't pass#so now when dhe started saying this about that guy it just hit to close to home i guess#i need to go on a walk to cool down
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ok Im back
#^^he says as he proceeds to never interact with anyone else ever again#on a positive life update ive become some sort of apprentice conductor for my school’s choir so thats cool#i dont think anyone cares about this part too much since i never really talked a lot on here but hmm.sorry for being SUPER inactive i tried-#taking a break to focus on my studies but i failed like 2 of my exams this qtr so idk what im gonna do anymore#anddd im gonna reread the tmm series because i got a lot of time on my hands (i think) i miss being able to enjoy my interests#and i miss writing#kind of because ive been in a writing block sorta state for like 3 wjole months now#and the last time i remember i posted something i wrote on here was like more than a year ago???? wow
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#random rambles#The last ask sent me on five different tangents I wasted the whole afternoon over#I opted against adding this to the ask because it'd be unrespectful to Anon but if I don't let it out somewhere I'll die#Everyone knows how beyond what it may look like that I don't like bsd and that includes Beast#But the ask touches the exact reason why I think Beast ultimately fails as a story#because it constantly tries to frame Akutagawa as evil and heartless; but what's framed as his most cruel action#- the one of mindlessly slaughtering his enemies at the start - is itself moved by love#And I know someone in the wings is already arguing#“that's the whole point. the reader is supposed to see through it‚ and see that Akutagawa wasn't inherently evil to begin with”#… But I don't think that's the case. This is not the place to talk about it but at the same time I don't want to make a post about it#but at the same time I feel like I won't have peace untill I've brought this up.#That's not the case because 1) Dazai says it's not the case‚ and Dazai is the character with most authority in the entire franchise#and 2) Ryuunosuke's later scene with Gin reinforces the fact that Akutagawa's action was cruel and inhuman#But it's not true. It's just that the author is a little nihilist that doesn't believe humans are inherently good.#So please let's just stop pretending they aren't? Because bsd fans. in my very humble opinion - are in severe need of someone#to remember them they are free to like aspects of the franchise even without acting like its morals aren't completely fucked up#Sorry for derailing it's been tormenting me since forever I desperately needed to mention it somewhere.#I've recently read someone say that bsd sustained that humans are inherently good and like... What the fuck. What the fuck. What the fuck.#Like there ARE series that do that? T/pn is one of them? Read t/pn if you want that? It's good?#But bsd definitely doesn't c'mon it's not that hard#Ugh. sorry for this. It was just to say#I love Beast but I don't like bsd and Beast is part of bsd and Beast does ultimately adhere to bsd's fucked up morals Kyotag out#I'm just saying we should all be able to recognize where our personal worldviwes end and where the author's start.#If you don't you aren't reading you're projecting#I'm not even rereading this#if I'll overthink it a second more I know it'll end up together with my millions black posts at the bottom of my drafts#Post
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everyone is always distancing themselves from me and i cant help but feel like im just deeply pathetic
#3/6 of my close friends from hs haven't talked to me. like talked to me properly in months#i havent hung out with 2 of them in a year#and the third one and i hung out TWICE this year#in 2022 we hung out like 8 times or something#i get that theyre busy but theyre not too busy to make new friends and travel and party?#so theyre just too busy for me.#and it's like ok so you reach out first!#and I've tried and failed#the conversations are so dry. the plans always fall through because something comes up#why does everyone always LEAVE#and its like 'always' is very black and white because the 3 remaining close friends haven't left#yet.#they haven't left yet but they probably will too!#and it's like ok well thats jumping to a conclusion. second unhelpful thinking style.#but then what about my parents? what about them when they find out im gay and kick me to the curb?#what about my older sister who'll sneer and glare at me in disgust like she has in the past?#what about my younger sister who needs to think about her own financial situation and will obviously side with my parents?#i was born and my life has been a tragedy since i took my first breath because my mother didn't want me and my father was disappointed#z.post
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I think permanent corrective actions and root cause analysis exist solely to cause people with OCD and anxiety disorders to ruin their brains.
#totes bro#every time i make a mistake i make 3 mistakes#1 i mixed up letters in a word and pulled the wrong thing#2 i know i mix up numbers and letters so i should have had a system in place to prevent this#3 whatever system i come up with is guaranteed to not be permanent so if anything similar happens its also my fault#and then it's 'if you keep asking why what is the cause of the problem'#and the answer cant be human error or lack of funds so its some system i didnt design always#and this is sthe same thing if someone else makes a mistake because i didn't design a process that would have prevented that#and once again whatever i do change is guaranteed to fail in the future and then it's nicole didnt you try to fix this already#but often its like some tangential problem like i pulled the wrong qty of the right item#i tell my therapists this and they ask is there an answer where i am not to blame in this entire company and the answer is no#♥️#because I design the processes and if people dont follow the processes its because i designed them wrong#anyway! having really bad anxiety hours#I've tried to bring this up and I get told 'well design a better process where this isnt the problem ' and that.... misses the point#Because now the problem is i feel anxious because i failed to make processes that are infallible (which is the expectation) and so i need t#make a process to handle my anxiety which is guaranteed to fail#and is also my fault that i feel the anxiety because why didn't i correct for this sooner when i started my anxiety#they say these things like 'look on the bright side you can improve' and really i cant because even if i do i wont fully improve#which you know makes the permanent corrective action not permanent#and they say you know permanent doesnt mean definitely permanent but then any time theres a problem theyre like 'why wasnt it permanently..#and i try to say you told me last time permanent doesnt mean permanent and its no. bad. youre just trying to stop short of a well polished#process. look at 5s#and it starts over and over and over#i try to say the way we do this doesnt work for me because everything is my fault even if its someone elses error#and because it causes me anxiety because I know no process is perfect but it was supposed to be permanent#but hr my bosses everyone just do not empathize with me at all and cant figure out why im anxious and how this makes it worse#because there's room for improvement!#also if its not clear many of the mistakes are because im dyslexic
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