#because thats one of the only ways ive been getting social interaction

[trollartistry]

Big dumb vent here under read more because Twitter doesn't allow big posts

It hasn't even been 6 months since I moved to the UK to be with my husband and while yes, being with my husband and being in a country with much healthier food, public transport, proper gun control etc has been wonderful to live; I feel so fucking lonely.

I miss my American friends. I miss having those dumbasses just randomly showing up and barging into my house and distracting me from commission work. I miss us just going "yknow what lets go run around WalMart and laugh at shitty toys" or "I'm hungry you want applebees?"

On top of that, timezones suck ass. The friends I used to chat with a lot online are now so quiet and I can't tell if we're genuinely bad at keeping up communication, that time zones are being that much of a problem, or they've decided to quietly drop me because I moved.

I don't mind being a stay at home husband, but if I do house work, no commission work gets done. If I get commission work done, no house work gets done. And god forbid I do neither and decide to play games or relax- because then NOTHING gets done. My husband has a full time job with very terrible hours for him and its made him depressed along with his narcissistic parents, and I try so hard to be the positive beacon but its been so very hard since the 2nd month of being here.

I love my husband with all my heart, and I don't regret moving to the UK.

Just when he's not home, I'm so fucking alone.

[lucid-daydreaming-art]

intro post whoopee!!!

hi guys im lucid :D you can also call me daylin i don’t really care but i may be like woah how do you know my name (i will forget about making this post 2 seconds after posting it) also I AM AN ADULT im 22 and i do not use pronouns just use my name pleaseeeeeee if you have a disability that makes words hard to process i understand if that’s difficult you can just use they/them instead

first off just getting this out there if youre proship, zoo, pedo, incest supporter, endo system supporter, any kind of discriminatory against protected minority groups, and anti-otherkin, shoo. dont want you here youre not welcome. bye bye my content isnt for you.

immmmm an infp-t 4w5 sanguine-melancholic existential-intrapersonal-visual learner seer of heart prospit dreamer true neutral rogue shifter airbender and dragon type trainer for all you personality label freaks

i like to DRAW!!!!! this is an art blog!!!! i will only post art here, all of my reblogs will be on @trickstergemini save for the posts my close friends make that i want to support here. sometimes i will post just text but thats only if i really need to let you guys known something or im answering a question

my commissions are OPEN!!!!!!!! dm me for commission info im too lazy and busy to make a sheet

if my requests are closed that means theyre closed dont ask me to draw shit please and thank you

im AUTISTIC i am on that mf spectrum been diagnosed since i was three. for me this means im not naturally fluent in social norms or what’s expected from an interaction or how to read others very well. i also have heavy special interests and find it really hard to turn the conversation away from something im fixating on or specially interested in. i also have extremeeeee sensory issues and a hard time being completely flexible when im comfortable in a routine so just be patient with me man adjustments are hard for me. my empathy is also extremely low and im a really really high masking person so if i come off as well versed or allistic just know that i either took a million years to format the right way to say things or i am entirely going off a predetermined script and will fumble if caught off guard. other important stuff ive got adhd bpd cptsd and major depressive disorder which all those combined makes me really flaky when it comes to responding or follow through. i may not reply to you for like 500 years or maybe i will be gods speediest most motivated soldier. just don’t expect me to be a readily available fully capable robot ok?? ok.

i am one half of @ask-kas-n-lamp the other half is some guy i don’t know he just hacked himself into the account and now i have to deal with him. the blog is no longer running though i apologize. we got burnt out from the shitty fans

in all seriousness mod dum, aka @unoriginal-and-dumb or unodum or unoriginal or whatever u know him by, thats my qpp thats my platonic soulmate my bestest friend my number one crate my brain cyst the doctor has to surgically remove from me my parasocial relationship my stalker my servant i keep locked up in my basement and i feed him cement and staples for every meal and for dessert maybe he gets rust shavings. he will be featured in my art like a lot or in my comments and reblogs and i will also be present in his stuff sometimes. if have drawn kasper it is his design, that design is not made by me its made by him sooo you should check him out and support him if you like that style or how about instead we get a mass unfollowing going there and you all come to my page and i exclusively will draw his design of kasper and get all the credit lets do that instead

uuueeehhhmmm my special interests are pokemon, homestuck, geography, taxonomy, my ocs, and personality psychology. i guess i also am specially interested in dragons because i like and think about them more than all of the above and have to incorporate them into everything but its less of an ill infodump to you interest and more of an i want to be surrounded by this thing because it brings me extreme comfort because it feels like me.

i am otherkin im a dragon and i look like this:

i will also represent myself like this if im feeling it:

yes i know i am not actually a physical dragon and im not a spiritual kinner i kin for identity purposes and the fact that i feel some pretty intense crippling species dysphoria idk ive been like this since i was 5 i don’t really have memories of my life where i wasnt experiencing animalistic behaviors and instincts

my favorite music artists are s3rl twenty øne piløts onerepublic imagine dragons of monsters and men thefatrat glass animals ajr queen nine inch nails and muse my favorite medias are httyd movies pokemon homestuck regretevator invader zim our flag means death infinity train gravity falls rosencrantz and guildenstern are dead doctor who my little pony fim dont starve and the mcelroy brothers content

heres some more characters i represent myself as:

ok BYE

[mychlapci]

Heyy chase anon here, ive been gone for awhile i almost died during labourr, anyway im back now and ready to send more

Anywayyyy, merformers and Rescue bots!

I feel like Chase would be a Mako shark mer or a Grey Reef shark mix, Both very pretty. But he’d be extremely protective of his babies. Or an orca!

Heatwave would be a bull shark or a red lionfish type mer, dangerous yet pretty.

Blades would probably be flying fish type mer, but he rarely actually flies out of the water.

Boulder would be a beluga whale, because i love them!

But even better if they’re all Orcas and create a pod.

The four of them in a private quarantine facility that’s mostly ran by the burns and the greene’s, since these species are rarely seen and if they’re to be put in aquariums or bigger facilities they need to be quarantined and brought up to health.

At first none of them get along, Chase will only interact with blades since he’s the least annoying and only ever surfaces or goes into the socialising pools if it’s to find Blades or if he gets lured out with food.

Heatwave isolates himself, refusing to leave his private tank and usually only snaps at cade, other then that he’s extremely relaxed and isn’t exactly bothered by touch or the humans in the shallow parts of his tank.

Blades is extremely flighty, yet tries to socialise with the other three whenever he can, and is usually seen surfacing and learning the human language- like boulder

Speaking of boulder, he’s the clever one, and extremely social, so usually he’s being distracted with puzzles or speaking with graham.

Anyway thats all i can think off because im loopy but i wanted them to accidentally pop out babies and idk how it’d work. If they were Orcas the babies would be well taken care of, and we need. We need chase with six titties cause i said so

Finally, merformers rescue bots. I honestly think the funniest (and also hottest. to me) way for them to start popping out babies is while the facility is open to public (probably forced by the mayor or something) and one of ‘em just swims by, stops, squirms, and pushes out a little merpup, in front of all these people. I hope it’s Chase and he gets humiliated. He didn’t mean to do that. 

also yeah, six titties Chase. I want his titties to start swelling while he‘s carrying and after a while he can‘t even keep ‘em covered anymore, forced even further into self-isolation because he‘s embarrassed… but he has to be wrangled out of the tank anyways so that someone can examine him. He‘s usually fairly well behaved around humans, but with his titties so swollen and sensitive he doesn‘t think he can stop himself from thrashing his tail whenever someone tries to touch the puffy nozzles… hgrhhh i don‘t know why i‘m trying to humiliate Chase so much.

[33446699]

my personal take on all that goes on, i really think social media has played too much into idols minds especially the youngins and naturally so has their immature / young audiences. i mean topics like reading on idols fs wasnt around early internet days its really only become the norm because tarot readers have allowed it too as well and so they play responsibility into ppls obsessions with needing to know every lil detail and even they admit to take the readinfs with a grain of salt so it is not always accurate but i think ppl take it as too literal, if jk fs is or isnt a celeb shouldnt matter bc its like looking for a needle in a haystack? same goes for when some tarot readers claim an aspect of an fs nationality and some common trait they have with the idol anyone can claim it is them after thats been said.

i also think nowadays the way people literally lust after an idol (even if i think they personally are not exactly who they might show they are) but people will absolutely lose their minds at every small picture or gif and rsther than highlight the good thingd about the idol they only sexualise or make it about lusting after them. ive seen many unhinged posts where the person is screeching out "they need xyz member of ateez in them" and id think im glad they wrote it on tumblr bc ateez surely dont bother checking this platform, same with idols fs readings i think they wouldnt really care but maybe find it creepy after some time like whoever idols end up with is their person and i dont think their "fans" bother to address the fact of what the idol personally want or if they even want someone rn does this make sense?

its the same issue i have with shipping and how it can so easily be believed to be real but xyz member is always romantically tied to the member and clips of them are exagerated badly by the editing team to make it look more real when it just looks awkward at times again they dont question whether the idol themselves actually feel romantic feelings for one another, kpops so toxic for shoving so much male x male interactions that any time a male idol is remotely seen interacting or breathing too closely to a female idol or female of any sort it causes outrage online and even if i dont care it still is just wow are people that easily hateful and honestly as loveable as my faves can seem even seeing this behaviours puts me off wanting to be near them. i dont want to lose my hearing bc some girlies were screeching at the top of their lungs. also so many idol groups barely come to my location or nearest city and its like :/ we dont get no interaction maybe the odd concert but they wouldnt exactly care to stick around longer than that.

in fact im almost certain some members, not all but some of a group i like defo use the audience to hookup and i wouldnt be surprise if they lead them on either. im no saying they cant have fun but im just saying it as the way their fans really overlust on idols who wont give them the time of day to date and in fact

in a way it makes me a lot less delulu becaude ive already had that stage ehh its just a sexy move blah blah blah its a shirtless pic seen many of those oh look a celeb photographed in their underwear? what else is new?. i can just appreciate what i wanna appreciate about an idol without needing to be too extreme abt it but seeing the same behaviours unfold is crazy. as i was saying to someone else running to airports which r public spaces with other people needing to get somewhere is unhelpful to those who actually want to respectfully use airports not just to chase down celeb or idol. the overworship of idols is becoming more than just a problem it seems to lead to straight up delusion and mental illness type obsessions with some idols even egging it on and being that pretend bf material as they call it.

i dont think once jk meets his fs whether he would give a shit if 15 yos are crying online and causing meltdowns or having tantrums about int as they will do when its announced, i want her to meet jk but ik shits going to be awful for her and both of them actually. it feels like many of their fans truly dont want an idol to be happy tho fr.

Yeah ,social media has given us access to different type of content we can consume however we want ,and that's why it's imp to regulate what we are consuming and what shouldn't,now coming to tarot readers ,I think there are certain boundaries which tarot readers shouldn't cross , because not only it increases delusions,it's also not possible to get an accurate answer on those topics ,if a tarot reader is answering really specific questions or sensitive questions,you shouldn't trust that reader and ofcourse readers play a role in increasing or decreasing delusions ,

Whether jungkook FS is a celeb or not ,of course it shouldn't matter but then we have people who want to know for curiousity,although I don't know why it's so important ,or because they want to know ,and then we have a reader who will answer these questions,just because they don't find anything weird with it ,or they do this to grow blog ,or for followers

"Today jungkook FS is sad " or "she had a fight with someone" now the reader mentioned that take it with a grain of salt ,but every delulu or girls who really like him ,will think and take this general tarot reading which can resonate with million of girls to themselves, thinking,I had a fight with this person,I must be the one ,or I am sad I am the one , people literally take jungkook FS readings too seriously ,and that's because they want to convince themselves they are the one

Even questions about his FS nationality are wrong ,you can't pinpoint with tarot ,which country national she is and it's invasive too ,if a reader do this ,it's not good and its better to avoid trusting these readers who really answer every detail about her

I have thought about making a post about sexualisation of idols and their effects on the people sexualising them and I will soon , sexualisation of any celebrity is very wrong ,not only morally , ethically,there are many reasons,and even BTS or ateez members can possibly look up and see this on Tumblr😵‍💫( if any idol is here reading my blog ,hello 💀😅)so people who do this should stop and need to touch some grass ,and respectful to the people they like ,lust and liking are two different things ,lusting is treating them like an object

Why I think jungkook or any other FS is so popular,and FS readings,is because mostly people want to be the FS so bad ,so yeah ,it's a really private matter and reading about them once in a while is good ,but like some celebrities or their FS ,they never get a rest ,it's giving obsession

The point is people don't respect and acknowledge the fact that an idol can want someone else atp ,is I have seen alot in this community and it's wrong ,fans want to control their life and get hurt ( parasocial relationship) that they have someone they like romantically

Shippers are weird , because how are you assuming sexual orientation of an idol ,and K-pop is wrong for pushing idols to do these fanservice,and capitalising of this shipping things , I mean there can be idols who are ,or who can be queer but believing someone is this because they are doing fanservice is wrong and disrespectful

Fans allover the world are weird ,but K-pop took it to extreme,yeah fans don't want their idols to come near any female ,and that's why even in tarot community,you hear a rumor about an idol and then for the next two weeks their is definitely two three readings about it ,this type of behaviour is weird , because why you don't want your idol to not be with anyone

Yeah ,I can understand ,that's the reason K-pop idols don't date ,can't make friends like normal people,and even marry so late ,that Japanese celebrity who divorced his Spouse because fans were bullying her for straight 03 months ,if this is not peak of obsession,and abnormal behaviour I dont know what it is

Ofcourse kpop idols do this ,they do hookup and have fun ,we just don't really normally hear about it ,and it can be a possibility that they can lead them on to , ofcourse meeting an idol , befriend with them or even dating ,chances are very minute,good for you that you escaped that phase and grow out of it because many girls are still stuck in it ,the point is ofcourse there are million of fans ,and why would an idol care to date them and cater to them ,if they have don't want this ,if they want someone else as their partner

If people are respectful on the airport then it's not an issue as even idols would like to have someone cheering up for them on airports,but if they literally attack idols like I remember a clip of Jungkook where he was basically so overwhelmed by the fans there, of course it can lead to obsession,delusion,and other type of mental illness and yeah ,idols do behave in a certain way and that perfect boyfriend type for their fans and it kinda benefits them ,isn't it 😵‍💫

I honestly know how its going to be , because people cant literally digest a mere tarot reading ( like if a reader says he met his FS already ) people start this witch hunt of prying through tarot/astro ,other divination methods to know whether he met or not and go to different readers and then readers reading on his love life for weeks ,so I can honestly understand what will they face 👀

He honestly don't give a damn even now whether his fans are having meltdown or not ( as he should ) thats why he is enjoying his life ,making friends or even possibly dating whenever he want , whoever he wants ,whereas these girls are waiting for him to come to their life ,it's sad honestly

*thinking of starting a JK FS delulu series and the things I observed and wants to address 🤔,I got a new motivation 😅💀,it will be less exhausting then that astrology 😭😅thing I did yesterday

Also don't worry maybe in future concerts will be held in your city ☺️,dont lose hope

[sophieinwonderland]

hi o/ jus wana start by saying dis is jus semi incoherent rambling of a sleeby oupy who didnt get to eat 5 borgars for dinner.

i find the anti endo point of “just doing it for attention” so weird

for one its really disconected from real life, like, attention is a basic need fir our body, its why solutary confinment is such good tourture. its like saying “theyre just doing it to get food” :l dumb argument, evyone needs and withholding food because someones starving is an evil thing to do, an so is ignoring someone who’s in need of social interaction.

and two, its blatantly wrong. like, we’ve told 0 people irl about being a system, we’ve only told like, 3 online friends, and we never talk about system stuff with them still cuz we’re scared of loosing those friends for being too weird. we pretty much never post about it on our blog an besides the blog description no one wud probably ever know. the one time someone guessed we’re a system in a discord servr i had a full anxiety attack an avoided any interaction for 2 weeks even tho they were accepting, an then when we finaly went back to talking there i made sure we had any trace of system stuff wiped from the servr profile an deleted the messages that made them ask and only just showed that all again after 2 months of keeping everything hidden. we’re terrified of people we know knowing we’re a system or getting attention cuz of tgat.

tho we’re definitly on the extreme end for that (mostly me tbh… the social isolation and abandonment issues exo-memories and the body’s trauma from similar irl stuff deff made me super scared about this) but its a pretty similar experience for a lot of systems from wut ive seen where telling ppl is pretty much an act of compleat trust an usualy very anxiety inducing.

besides, if someone really wus just after attention, they could just post a incorrect fact online or a really dumb take. thats much easier an will get a lot more attention than faking being a system ever could. like, saying something like “reading is bourgeoisie” on a semi popular post will be a thousand times better at getting u attention than being a system ever could.

theres so much more i wana say about this, like the ableism inherent to that argument point, or the way its linked to child abuse, but phone keyboard is stupid and terrible and im too hungy to think well enough to write out those points properly an do them justice.

anyways, i hope u have a great day/night depending on when u read this.

Right! And if they're claiming people are wanting positive attention, I don't see that as being that hard either.

Like, if someone wants to talk to people on the internet about stuff, there are spaces out there for literally anything and anyone. You're not going to get more attention for being a system than you would for being outspoken in a fandom or a religion or any other social group you're a part of.

People who want attention... don't need to pretend to have people in their head to get it. And the attention you would get for that is often going to be negative because a lot of people are sanist and pluralphobic. But as you mention, it's not even the best way to get negative attention when there are so many actual troll-y things you can do.

You can find hundreds of communities online with people who will support you and give you attention for your takes on various topics! Or you can find hundreds more who will hate you if you push the right buttons!

There's just... no logical reason to fake being plural for attention.

And isn't this, again, the very same claims that have always been made against the LGBTQ community?

It's actually kind of funny how that happens, isn't it?

The people who are getting attention are generally the ones who most conform to society. It's not plural or trans people. It's the ones who do their best to fit in and be like everyone else in their group. Meanwhile, people who have identities that diverge from the norm are often left outcasts and shunned by peers.

And yet it's the latter group that's accused of attention seeking?

It makes no sense. 🤷‍♀️

[skuntank]

Which Kalos gym leader do you think Diantha is most friendly/familiar with and which one do you think she knows about but doesn’t like? Cynthia has some friends among the Sinnoh (and Unova) gym league but I figure Diantha’s celebrity status might limit her non-work socialization a bit more.

OOHH thank u for this ..... lemme think

admittedly i dont have a lot of headcanons for other kalos league members, which is a bit of a shame, but unfortunately no one else interests me much so ive not given much thought to most of them btu this is a good excuse to!

(this got really long oops i do not blame anyone if no one reads it)

viola: outside of league stuff, i feel that they would know each other somewhat due to working together for photoshoots. also, i feel that violas sister alexa has probably interviewed diantha a few times and perhaps viola was there to record it. i think they would get along decently well but their relationship is just professional!

grant: again, another relationship that i see as amicable but just professional. maybe at most, he has helped diantha train for specific roles in terms of helping her get the hang of rock climbing basics and such but other than that i cant think of how they would interact much outside of league stuff.

korrina: so in the manga they do have a decent amoutn of canon interaction, but i dont remember much of it bc i only skimmed the manga to look at diantha lmao. but evidently, if korrina's grandfather was diantha's mentor at one point (i am assuming mentoring her in how to use mega evolution), then i am sure they have known each other for quite a while. i feel that perhaps diantha sees korrina as something of a younger sister, but unfortunately as theyve both gotten a bit older they dont get to spend as much time together as they may have once been able to when they were younger. korrina is probably one of the league members diantha has more of a history and familiarity with.

ramos: oh man is there even much info about ramos to begin with? i hate to just characterize him as "old person who is the grandparent of the league." maybe, as a gardener, i can see him doing some upkeep around the grounds of the different gyms and the league headquarters? maybe he also has a landscaping business? i think it would be fun if he had been the one to design how the grounds around the league headquarters look, helping it look even more regal than the building itself already does. so maybe perhaps she will run into him outside when she has to come to the league, or maybe she's paid him to come do some work at her home idk!

clemont: im ngl ive never been a fan of his and also he is a child so idk what reason would have to interact with him outside of league stuff. she probably is impressed by his ingenuity and understanding of technology and thats about it.

valerie: oh ok theyve gotta have one of the closer friendships i think!!! they undoubtedly met through either the league or through valerie being commissioned by diantha, one of the two, and they just clicked immediately. i think valerie is one of those people that is just Weird herself and is one of the extremely rare people that diantha can be more herself around without judgement. there is a mutual understanding and acceptance for one another of being an eclectic creative. if anything, i feel that when diantha is able to take part in more experimental and weird artsy indie productions, valerie is almost always involved somehow too because its the sort of thing that attracts them both. valerie is probably someone diantha wishes she could spend more recreational time with.

olympia: another person i see diantha getting along well with. i imagine olympia can be sort of ... off-putting in some ways, but more in the "shes just on another plane of existence" sort of way. and i think diantha would find her fascinating, and maybe even a little bit intimidating? not that its a bad thing lol. diantha would potentially like to spend more recreational time with her too but there is something sort of untouchable about olympia even if she is friendly and that makes it even more difficult to connect with her.

wulfric: so just purely in terms of character, i cant see them meshing well. not that i see them being antagonistic towards one another, but more in probably a generational divide way. and then also, wulfric is canonically a big fan of brycen-man .... which, according to my headcanon, makes things a little weird for diantha. having worked with brycen and knowing just what sort of person he is behind the scenes leaves a bad taste in her mouth when confronted by diehard brycen apologists, which i could see wulfric being and also being just sort of a good ol' boy. i think they can work together decently well for league things, but beyond that i feel that they would just be too different in many ways to connect well. also, if wulfric pesters her a lot about what its like to work with brycen, shes gonna get irritated by that pretty quickly.

malva: oof. i really really REALLY need to explore their dynamic more. malva is the prime example of why you shouldnt sleep with your coworkers i think and diantha definitely made that mistake. lmaooo. i see there being a lot of attraction between the two of them right off the bat and there being a lot of flirting and sexual tension but it exploded in their faces pretty quickly and its been Weird ever since. Weird as in like. diantha is jsut trying to remain professional and do her job and malva is an especially vindictive and petty person and is very very VERY good at finding out what gets under other peoples skin and exploiting that. i imagine there arent a lot of people who can make diantha lose her cool quite like malva can and i love it. additionally, all of dianthas "scandals" were first reported on and covered extensively by malva, purely by coincidence : ) in another universe where diantha was team flare boss, i like to imagine theyd have gotten along swimmingly.

siebold: i dont really have a lot of thoughts on him i am sorry. he seems like a cool dude but hes never had that spark that has really drawn me to him! tbh i just read in fanfiction about them being gay besties and i kinda just go with that bc it absolutely makes sense to me lmao

wikstrom: there is a lot of mutual respect and admiration between the two of them, and i see wikstrom being an untintentionally dramatic person (mostly in his speech and bodily movements) and diantha really enjoys that. something about him sort of just encourages the dramatics in her and if they are allowed to spend too much time together, their interactions slowly start to take on something of a shakespearean quality, as if theyre performing a stage play together (wikstrom is entirely unaware of this, diantha is fully aware of it and Very into it lmao its fun)

drasna: i see her as another Unsettling Older Woman, but not in the same way as olympia. im not sure how to describe it. i see diantha being a very astute person in being able to read others and their intentions, and drasna unsettles her but also like. drasna isnt a bad person. idk if im going to elaborate further be i feel like drasna is one of those chars id like to put more thought into.

[darlinguistics]

imposter syndrome is extra bad lately with the social issues that feel so intrinsic to my field. and not just that, cuz i think i could handle that but its the fact that i dont feel in community with the people at my school studying what i study. im so critical of the systems and institutions in place and the psychological well-being of the patients i wanna work with one day beyond just their speech and communication is always at the forefront of my mind and its my junior year and ive still yet to find anyone who really matches my energy in that way. i hate saying that too cuz i dont think im like better than anyone or anything i genuinely just wish there were people i could have those kinds of conversations with so we could all keep learning and growing, but ive literally never had an interaction like that. im willing to take on the challenges of working in a field im also hoping to make changes in and have so many criticisms of, but i can only handle so much without a support system. i have friends and family on my side but no one whos in my field and actually gets it and who i can actually work with. it makes me feel like im wasting my time sometimes, or like im being a naive child and im not at all ready to have this career. but im too stubborn to just give up. i still love language and communication and what i envision speech therapy to be for people, and i dont care if reality doesnt always align with my vision ill fucking make it align. theres no reason for a career that is fundamentally in service to the disabled community to have this much ableist baggage attached to it, that so many professionals who are literally meant to work with and advocate for disabled people dont seem to know a thing about doing that, that so many disabled people have horrible impressions of speech therapy because of it. and i refuse to see it as an issue thats beyond saving.

i guess thats a resolution for this year. on top of looking into grad schools and all that, i also just need to find the slightest bit of community. i didnt expect it to be this hard or take this long. it sucks seeing my friends make friends in their own fields and how fulfilling it is for them but most of the time when i meet people in my fields we have like nothing in common at best or i actively dislike them as a person at worst. ive been so discouraged by it in the past but this year i refuse to give up and refuse to accept that im the only one who feels or thinks the way i do. i need to find my people like i just need to, its a necessity at this point. im gonna try to post about it too as i go, the resources or communities i come to trust and relate with. cuz im tired of just being sad and angry and just wallowing in it.

[thewarnerbrothers]

alright i gotta say something

you really cant do anything when you have a moderately popular blog huh

look. im a lurker at heart. i just happen to have one issue: not being able to shut up when im interested in something. thats the only reaaon this blog exists. i didnt come here to make friends, though i ended up doing that along the way

i dont want or need your pity. what i need is for people i dont know at all to stop putting me under a microscope

newsflash: i dont matter. follower count doesnt matter. at all. do you know what its like having thousands of eyes on you all the time? it sucks

i literally cant do anything

if i block literal strangers, they get mad and try to publicly shame me for it. if i try to settle disputes amicably in private, its seen as bad. if i attempt to be open and transparent with modding decisions, its bad. if i ask people to actually talk to me, they dont. instead they kick up a frenzy in private to coordinate a stupid mass hissy fit disproportionate to any perceived slight they may have endured. if i make friends, people take it personally. people see that as some sort of insult. i cannot be friends with everyone. i wont. this hurts strangers feelings, dspite me not existing for their pleasure.

some of you feel very entitled to my time. you dont own me. i dont owe you anything. ive tried to not lose the few molecules of my mind left on a regular basis because of some people who are no longer in this fandom, and some who still are. and man. i am just. tired. of everyone. all the time.

i think even more than the fact that this series was released (mainly) as a bingewatch fest, what killed this fandom was you

not necessarily you, whoever is reading this. i mean the fans. in general. some of you are so annoying, rude, inappropriate, and willfully lacking in social skills. youre over dramatic. youre moody. youre dramamongering. youre liars. youre bullies. youre self-ascribed victims. you dont care about other human beings.

youre repulsive, frankly

you are part of the reason people have been leaving the fandom in droves. the homophobia. the transphobia. the ship hate. the inability to treat other people with basic human decency. the manufactured scandals. shut up and grow up

you know why i barely interact with larger fandom anymore? ill tell you

waves of harassment to varying degrees ad nauseam

creeps who refuse to even try to keep their fetishes to themselves in private groups that include minors

abusers (most of whom are thankfully now gone)

people befriending me only to reveal that they dont actually like or care about me as a person

the most willfully socially inept people to ever exist

nosy jerks who literally cannot stand not sticking their nose in personal problems that have nothing to do with them

people treating me and my blog like im google adsense. im not a billboard guys

people deciding i am evil for no apparent reason? sdkjfalsdjfa

thinly veiled anythingphobia pretending to be socially just (hi homophobes who imply that being lgbt by nature is 'adult')

people who just make things up. all the time. just make up a lie, say it passionately enough. if you try to defend yourself, youre seen as guilty/suspicious. if you try to resolve things quietly with only those involved, you're seen as guilty/suspicious. cant win

wankers who need to learn why parasocial relationships arent actually meant to be embraced wholeheartedly

really lame one-off trolls tbh

the most fandom discourse-poisoned takes i have seen since su hatedom was at its peak

im just tired of being nice all the time? i think you guys just like taking advantage of people you imagine to be good targets

listen. i am allowed to do whatever i want, regardless of how you feel about it. the same thing goes for you. i tend to try to resolve things reasonably and rationally, but i wont pretend ive never gotten mad or overreacted or made a decision i regret. ive made that pretty known. i like to think i've grown, and ive gone out of my way to apologize to people.

however.

some of yall do not understand that just because your feelings got hurt, it doesnt mean you are deserve an apology or an explanation. sometimes it literally is just a you problem. a skill issue. you need to grow thicker skin. learn how to curate your online experience. get. over it.

lets talk about blocking, shall we?

blocking is great. i block people all the time. i block bots, i block tag spammers, i block people who make posts with rancid vibes, i block people who ive personally interacted with and no longer wish to, i block because i get tired of seeing someones posts, i block people who post things that trigger me, i block blogs with icons i dont like. there's usually no grand reason for it, aside from egregious cases where i've been harassed. its also usually not personal. i will block people who ive followed for years. i dont care. i dont know most of yall. i know i've been blocked by tons of people and that's okay! i would rather people who don't want to interact with me do that.

if you get blocked, thats it. dont attempt to contact me again unless i reach out. im not the only blog in this fandom. youll live without my posts. i am not the arbiter of all things animaney.

im just some guy

i know that the people who need to hear this most will not care nor will they actually absorb what i'm saying. ive gotten a lot of hate over the dumbest crap. im done. i think i need to stop trying to be so friendly, because some of you think being a little pissbaby is the only way to interact with others online.

cant wait til i finally explode one day and just delete everything

tldr shut up leave me alone oh my god its not that big a deal jesus christ

[kiisuuumii]

some introspection this morning abt a feeling from last night abt social interactions, letting ppl in, fear of everything coming to a sour end, and hope

up until this past february, i hadnt allowed a completely new person into my life, like really into my life, for quite a long while; the last person was an old coworker, who id met two years ago now. and ive always been the sort to struggle w social interactions and connections of all types, so when i made my first blog and decided to start posting poetry there, i had prepped myself mentally somewhat to interact w others (last time i put myself out onto the internet was in 2020 lol), but i dont think i was as emotionally ready as i shouldve been, to the point of letting my emotions get the better of me and hurting myself and others twice now since march

its safe to say that im scared, of letting ppl in, of my emotions taking over, of hurting someone else again. its safe to say that i dont trust myself to not let any of this happen again. and maybe its a control issue thing. i know that nobody's perfect, let alone me, and yet i find it difficult to extend the sort of grace id give to others, to myself.

so when someone reached out to me last night to tell me that theyre there if id like a friend (and hello friend if youre reading this sorry im making an example of you), it brought up the question of whether i felt i /could/ let someone new in. and ik that its not like i have to be vulnerable, spewing every little thing abt myself, right from the start, and ik that how connections progress varies from one to another. i think the question really becomes whether i trust myself to know how navigate new connections in ways that are not only true to myself, but also with my highest good in mind, and whether im willing to take the risk that someone's presence in my life wont last forever

thats another thing with me; when i grow fond of someone, i want them to always have a presence in my life to some degree, because i love them, and i want to not only be apart of their lives, but also them apart of mine. but thats not what happens every time; people come and go, thats just how it is, and i struggle horribly with letting go, even since i was a kid

but i dont want to let the fear of losing someone keep me from letting people into my life. i crave connection, i crave understanding. i cant have those things without letting someone in and letting them try, and letting myself try.

i want to live this life with as few regrets as i can. yet it seems like ive just been piling them up over the past four months. am i just going to regret letting other people in going forward, too?

theres only one real way to find out. and im terrified. genuinely terrified. bc im sick of hurting others. im sick of beating myself up. but you have to do the thing scared. you have to. or else you wont do it at all. you'll keep making excuses for yourself, saying you arent ready, but when will that be? are we ever truly ready for anything, let alone change?

you have to hope that the next time'll be different. statistically, its not impossible. you have to hope. how else can things change if you dont have hope that they will?

hope doesnt have to mean trusting yourself completely. it just has to mean believing in the small part of you that wants things to change to do what they can with what they have to bring about that change.

i'll always believe that so long as i have the hope that i can change, i'll be able to find whats the best decision for me, in whatever moment i find myself in. that, that hope will eventually usher in the change im striving for, someday, one way, or another.

[vvindication]

8, 17, and 20 annnyyy ocs for the suffering asks

ily ghost thank u for sending me oc asks (platonic) 💖💕💞 im gonna answer for multiple bc I CANNOT be stopped

8. Do they feel glee at the sight of blood? this is such an pointedly edgy question and I love it for that. do any of my ocs ??? generally no, but circumstantially yes

this doesnt fit with my planned Disco OCs answers because I can easily say no for them off the top of my head without much thought, but I do think my Cyberpunk man Vance gets some sort of fucked up thrill from drawing blood when fighting with knives in close combat. the smell makes him sick for trauma reasons (best friend died horribly) but he's a vengeful & impulsive adrenaline junkie, ofc he likes getting into risky fights and making his enemies bleed

funny thing is he almost always feels guilty about hurting people anyway. hes just very good at hiding it under a sarcastic veneer <3

17. What little regrets do they have? ohhhh okay this ones gonna be more difficult for me. I always think about the big hard-hitting stuff (as seen below . um) lets see ...

Vincent regrets not being able to identify unclaimed deceased. does that count as little? actually compared to everything else he's got going on, yeah, im counting that. he regrets plenty of social interactions, not being comforting enough for distraught civilians, not being supportive enough for fellow officers drudging through the same soul-sucking work he is. he always wishes he could do MORE to help others, but hes just one neurotic little man surviving day to day in a war-torn city, in a barely functioning police force

I know for sure theres shit im not thinking of with my other beloveds but now im super stuck thinking about codependency cause I wrote that answer first. oops. codependency ..........

20. Are they codependent? Do they have abandonment issues? YOUVE ACTIVATED MY TRAP CARD !!!!! this is one of the fun new characterizations im leaning into hard for Mr. Travart and his very apparent relationship problems. hes been abandoned A Lot (both by choice and by tragedy) and it fucks with him so much. he wants to be loved so bad that when he finds an ounce of it he'll give his soul for it. yaaaaay codependency !!! 🎉💖🎉

this is a big reason he falls for Arcelis so hard when flirted with. he wants to think somebody actually wants him for who he is, even if he is a corrupt politician blatantly manipulating him, and it (obviously) gets him into a fuckton of trouble.

basic history behind this is he and his mom were abandoned by his father before he was even born, his mom died as a teenager, the uncle who took him in literally only did so as a favor to his sister who'd died and treats him like shit. I think part of him thinks he has to Make Up For Something because people keep leaving and he wonders why HE hasnt been a victim of circumstance yet. why does he have to stay and suffer?? not even to mention Arcelis breaking up with him and Joakim dying for him ...

he doesnt unlearn this by the time he gets involved with Harry OR Kim. thats a point I particularly want to make. he isnt magically fixed by these relationships and would sacrifice his own life for them in a heartbeat whether they appreciate it or not. something something ... life without them would be more painful than dying. at least he wouldnt have to face more loss that way

... can you tell Ive been writing some heavy shit lately. hehe ^_^

[mothicality]

post discusses selfharm a lot, though no details beyond it being selfharm and having scars. also mentions suicide attempts (no details)

guy with anxiety experiences anxiety, what a shocker!

did. big anxieties today. wishing two people would adopt me (host of nerd club (be my dad please) + dm for my d&d group at the nerd club (be my big brother please))

earlier today i decided to go to the pharmacy on my own for the first time ever. which is very scary. i cannot go shopping on my own but pharmacy is like a middle step since less options and you can get the clerk to help you super easy. still really scary, biggest shopping ive done alone before that was mcdonalds ;-;

but i bought gauze-ish stuff and disinfectant wipes. had to ask about it and i feel like the clerk was guessing it was selfharm related but she didnt ask. she was sorta tense and cautious with her answers but she was still nice and wasnt invasive or anything, so still good experience and i got the stuff

and then. so i go to the nerd club once a week, been there four times now, and i am a very warm person and it is fairly warm there so i get Hot. so i would like to wear shortsleeves to be less hot. but i am visibly Quite Scarred, which, well. i have no experience with people who arent familiar with selfharm, so going somewhere like that with my scars visible is scary

so i messaged the host a few days ago on messenger, no answer so i asked about how to contact him personally outside nerd club and he gave me his phone number (privilege!he wants to keep his work and personal life separate so not many get access to it), so i messaged him again when i got home 4ish hours ago

and. he just replied. and im too anxious to open it but he has guessed it is selfharm. i dont really know why i didnt outright say it, it's just. difficult i guess

since i was 12, pretty much all my interaction with other people irl has been within mental health contexts

i moved into my first grouphome then. the people there were familiar with selfharm since everyone there is mentally unwell, and one of the other residents had visible selfharm scars and sometimes wounds

my second group home was for kids with more severe issues, so theyre definitely also experienced with it, and they knew i was moved to that group home because of two suicide attempts

and then outside that i'm only really ever at appointments at the psych facility or the government - all people who have read about me before meeting me, who knows lots about me and my issues and whatnot

oh and with my family, all of us are mentally ill so theyre familiar with mental issues, and my mom used to selfharm a lot and has had several suicide attempts, so theyre familiar with it through her too

but now. ive joined three clubs, two of which are in person. these clubs have nothing to do with mental health and such, the nerd club is actually just a regular school club thats been opened up to people outside the school. so...it's different here. i don't know how to...be, i guess. i don't know what is or isn't okay. it's hard

i struggle socially there - they're really kind and welcoming and understanding, but...i don't know, maybe it's just anxiety, but i feel like i mess up more than they do, even though they don't get upset with me. i'm almost constantly anxious about missing social rules and what is and isn't okay to do

bleh. so yeah. big anxiety today. but it's...a good kind, in a way, i guess. it's because i'm doing difficult things that i previously couldn't. it's...progress, development.

dont know where i was going with this. just to vent out my anxiety i guess . . . i'm glad it's getting better

[funshinebf]

i think my problem with trying to find accurate professional diagnoses for my mental health issues is that like, ive got a fistfull of tons of things. ive got some autism here, bit of adhd there, some ocd as well, a spot of bipolar, and a touch of psychosis to round it all out. not to mention the depression and anxiety thats come as a result of the other stuff going untreated throughout my life, especially during my childhood. and like, its not the same as having All of those things comorbid together, because any time i try to talk to a professional about any of these things, the results are like "well, you DO show traits from that disorder, but not enough to meet the criteria for a diagnosis. so we cant really claim that you have it." <- but like i show enough of the traits for their existence to make my life severely difficult in most areas, as well as making me require very specific treatment for those traits. BUT! because i dont actually qualify for a diagnosis, most of those treatment options are ones i get denied, on account of not reeeeallly having the required disorder(s) that they treat! its sooooooo fucking frustrating like im always at such a fucking loss at what im supposed to do about all of it. i just know that i cant keep living my life the way i have been, because im not doing well! im always sacrificing one need in order to meet another, until the lack of that need gets to be too much and i sacrifice a different need to get it back. its a horrible fucking cycle. like, right now, im trying to focus on my social life and hobbies, as well as working on things in therapy. but in order to do that, i have to give up working a job, so i have no income, no routine, no regular human contact, as well as very little responsibilities to keep me active. but when i did have a job, i was completely ignoring my daily overstimulation, as well as the exhaustion from constant masking and pushing myself past my physical and mental limits with doing tasks and interacting with strangers. its so fucking awful, its like no matter whay i try to do theres just no winning, theres no scenario where i can thrive. its this overwhelming feeling of hopelessness that leads me to feel suicidal, because in reality i dont WANT to die, i just feel like its the only path i could take that wont make me completely fucking crazy and miserable for the rest of my life. but i want to have a good life! i want to be happy! i want to at LEAST be content! but i dont know how the hell im supposed to get there from here, and it makes me feel so fucking terrified and lost all the time. i dont know what im supposed to do anymore

[climaxbattles]

vent dont read (unless the curiousity consumes you i guess. if you know me personally it might suck)

i havent been able to leave the house since may and it seems like every day i get worse and worse

i just cant deal with anything i dont know why

i dont go outside, i cant be alone, i cant even eat too fast/slow or i just like completely freak out

i started therapy and this is the first time ive ever been hopeful about interacting with a therapist but i still kind of dread it every week. im not even sure its helping like maybe shorter sessions would be better but i use so much energy just getting through the day i cant communicate until its too late

i dont even understand what made this happen my only guess is that one of the medications i tried really messed me up (or i have a brain tumor or thyroid problem or something) because a few of them had really really terrible side effects and i almost had to go back to the hospital for the 3rd time in a year, but i dont get why im not getting better when i dont do anything and im not on those meds anymore.

and if it is physical i cant leave the house without panicking like. i dont know how else i would go anywhere to get it checked out unless it got so bad i had to call an ambulance again so they could lie me down and give me oxygen and turn all the lights off and hold my hand again but that also was like very traumatic so im afraid i would just completely break

my friend is over visiting and i havent seen her in forever bc she moved 4 hours away and i cant even bring myself to hang out with her because she brought her boyfriend and i already have problems talking to anyone but her even though i fucking live with her family and leech off them. so im just hiding in my room

i dont really talk to anyone much anymore and i dont even know if its Because i want to be left alone or if its something making me lonely/im upset about. it also kind of seems like people r moving on from me but that could be like entirely self inflicted bc one on one conversation terrified me even before and now i like have panic attacks if a breathe wrong let alone attempt something thats always scared me

i think like some of them maybe also have a seperate discord server i wasnt invited to. this happened literally months ago where i accidentally found out and its not really my business i guess. and i dont even rly know if its true or even used anymore

it just feels bad because i lost a friend of like 7 years and a friend i really related to but didnt know long because i took their side in multiple arguments and i dont regret the 2nd one but the first one kind of still sucks. the people i lost had a lot of their own problems that made them unpleasant but idk. the first person was kind of always open to talking to me even though we r both fucked up and wouldnt ignore me even when i sometimes would bc of my own problems

and then if there Is a second server thats kind of why the second person lost their shit. so its like Maybe they were right in a small way (they were completely fucked though they would like suicidebait randomly and ive never had any other friend do that so its still for the best i think)

it seems like i keep losing or pushing away good friends kind of. or maybe im bad at all friends idk. ive never enjoyed socializing so it seems like my fault probably

i honestly just wish i could get on food stamps and/or disability on top of medicaid but i think people are still insisting i can go back to the way i was before. idk if thats possible. i just want to be able to stop taking As much Directly from other people and maybe like. buy legos or a 3d printer or something. i dont have much to do in the house 24/7 and my computer is getting old. and i think the internet is making this all worse but thats like my only activity

im so tired

[heartsbreaking-migrated]

a lil nico unfiltered thought moment (its not really a rant or negative, just words about my experience in the rpc i guess )

i think the part that's getting in my head about rp recently is like i feel like ive pretty much aced the writing and the graphics part (i mean i can always improve, but i'm confident enough in my abilities that i don't generally feel insecure about it) but the actual social part feels incredibly difficult to me in a way it didn't used to when i wrote on a different site as a teenager. i had a friend group there and like for the main few years it felt like i could just be myself, i understood the social structure and how things worked and even when i was at my worst there, i didn't feel like there was something completely impossible to me that i didn't understand

but here im just kinda lost, and i don't understand the social structure of the rpc at all. like i don't understand how people have groups of friends, i don't understand how people get to the point with anyone where they're so close their muses are interconnected or where they feel comfortable enough with people to just ask for a ship or a specific plot. and maybe its cause i've only been here for three years and there are people who have been writing here for ten+ but i'm sorry i don't plan on being here for ten years and i WANT to have these experiences. i want to understand because when i see groups of muses forming or niche fandoms i'm apart of having rpcs my first thought isn't 'those are potential friends i could make, i should try and interact' it's a trauma response of expecting disappointment so i don't let myself try. it's 'i'm going to be rejected if i try and engage with this group so instead i'll watch from the sidelines until it eventually goes from interest to jealousy to anger to passivity. and i know im limiting myself by not trying a lot of the time, that i'm sure of because i'm only just now starting to work through that. i guess a lot of it's probably a confidence thing, i'm confident in my writing but not in my ooc interactions and i'm also not the most talkative so unless i have a plot idea or something specific to say, chances are our ooc interactions are going to be pretty sparse and i think it takes a lot more of an outgoing person to get to that point. so thats something to work towards maybe

i love my friends, i love my rp partners, nothing about the dynamics i have with people are inadequate, i just see the way people interact here and it's not the way my interactions with people here feel and maybe its a me thing/a trauma thing/a comfort level thing thats entirely on me and I could be the one thats not letting my dynamics progress to that level. i'm completely open to that concept that the only thing stopping me from the types of interactions/experience i want to have on this site is me. im just not sure how to push through that.

i'm doing a lot better than i was two months ago or even one month ago, this like social aspect just kinda feels like the final frontier to me. it's what gets me down when i'm depressed and when i'm feeling good like i am rn it something that just moderately bugs me

anyway if you read this i hope your day is going well and you find $20 on the floor

[thatbitchsimone]

Thank you that’s very sweet, you’re very kind

I just read and observe people and then after some time I eventually pick up on their habits and the way they talk and that’s what I did while learning English

Obviously I knew English because I learnt it in school but I never spoke it and I wasn’t great at communicating in it because where I live we usually speak my mother tongue which is pashto and urdu (I live in pakistan btw)

I’m 20 so before I was 17 when I started learning, that too because I got into this phase where I didn’t like talking to people and just reading and writing and on my phone and the quarantine really helped lol so that made me learn English and eventually get introduced to all the western media

And I because I had been always very close to my family so we watched the same shows and I wasn’t really at all on social media, probably because the lack of knowing English so I felt kind of insecure being on social media if I wasn’t able to understand the stuff on it, so no idea of western celebs or anything like that (I knew the very famous ones like angelina jolie etc because once I saw her face printed on a bag while I was shopping when I was like 12 and I though she was gorgeous anyways I’m rambling!!! Now hahah)

Anyways the point is, sometimes it makes me feel like, social media and real life are two different planets because the stuff on it so flabbergasting and weird (but also it has its many good sides and effects as well like talking to people and that’s great for me cause I love talking to people) but What kind of makes me sad is that it’s not 2 different planets, it’s all the same and the people who are so unkind and crazy on the internet are among us

It’s very weird

loved reading this! thank u so much

i mostly learned english from reading and watching movies etc as well actually but then again i was very young (i was fully fluent by the time i was around 9 i think) and children pick up languages very fast and i live in sweden where american and english media and pop culture is very widespread and part of the culture (probably bc sweden is a western country and america is very dominant in western media in general) so people learn english very well and easily here like swedes are known for it and foreigners often struggle to learn swedish bc the natives all switch to english when they notice u dont speak swedish so lots of foreigners and immigrants have to straight up ask people to talk to them in swedish more so they can learn and practice it lol but i think that goes to show that the best way to learn a language is to watch and read media in that language and observe it in casual conversation rather than just go by how ur taught it in classes etc

i honestly think its a good thing that u didnt partake in social media when u were younger. i think a lot of the people that dont seperate social media from real life are the ones who started using it early so they have almost spent more time in the social media and online world than the actual real world and get less real world interactions than online ones. i think its very unhealthy to not be able to seperate the 2 and just like u said, the online world and the real world are 2 different things and people forget that they are interacting with real living humans thru the screen and thats when it gets toxic and crazy and hostile. people kind of lose their social skills when they only interact with others behind a screen and its very concerning. ive always talked to ppl online the way i would talk face to face and its always weird to me when others dont do the same bc its like would u say these things ur saying online if the person was face to face with u? if u wouldnt then just dont. its cowardly and embarrassing behavior and its just gonna rot ur brain and soul and make u lose touch with reality and how u connect to others on a human level

[chapelpunisher]

hey sorry not that it rlly effects anything since i dont really have a lot of interaction on this blog anymore but um. i guess i need to say im going on an indefinite hiatus on most my social media, mostly so i can do some better healing since i think even after a month i am still deeply wounded by something that in turn became a self sabotage plot. im not proud of my behavior the last 4 months, and am going to take this time to work on parts of myself that i feel like i need to pay more attention to.

theres many factors to all of this, such as my mental health in general the last 4 months have not been entirely the best partially because of starting testosterone and not being proactive in caring for my mental health before it started to get bad again. another big part is having internalized self hatred of a part of myself ive finally come to terms with. lastly, trauma resurfacing that has made me distant and cold.

unfortunately, my brain still keeps trying to convince me things will be okay again but not the way i need it, rather a way id want it to be. so, to avoid making things even worse for myself (though not sure how much more worse i could be after all of this) im just going to try and be happy, let myself metabolize and process everything.

im very much struggling to feel tolerable, but thats no fault to anyone but myself. and i find even when im having an okay time and doing things i love, still having a hard time letting go. i feel like i am a bad person a lot of the time and that ultimately i deserve everything that has happened to me in the last 4 months. so for that, i believe it is time i just work on healing, and learn to be more kinder to myself in terms of internalized stuff.

its hard, some days i feel like i dont care anymore but then it all comes back to me and i ache. and i yearn. and i make up stupid scenarios in my head only to really just hurt myself more. i wish i could be different and show that its not me but a part of me that im going to keep in check and fix so that everyone can see im trying to get better for myself and everyone i care about. i dont think i can bring myself to hate anyone, or to think badly of them through all of this but rather see that they did what they could and cant be my people after all.

i would also like to just apologize if anyone has seen my insane behavior the past month, and i hope that i will never get that bad again in hopes that this time away will help me mental health wise.

tldr; i hurt people closest to me and caused them to leave, decided to stay off social media for awhile, trying to focus on doing better and healing so future relationships that may come up wont end as badly as this one that of course is no fault but my own.