#nico stfu

[heartsbreaking]

here's what's been plaguing me for the last few weeks (i'm bitching under the cut)

the rpc fucking SUCKS right now

people aren't interacting with each other AT ALL, not sending memes, not interacting with people's opens or ooc posts. and i know life outside of the rpc is really fucking heavy right now, everywhere. this isn't me saying people don't have the right to react to the state of the world in whatever way they want. i just wish that it felt like an escape here like it used to.

people are on less, people are posting less and that's totally okay. so am i, school is kicking my ass this semester even though i have less work and i don't even know why.

but it's getting SO INSULAR here, it feels like every time i do my part to try and reach out to people it just falls completely fucking flat. and it's exhausting. and i know i'm not the only one feeling it. i want to plot, i want to write and develop new dynamics and ships.

when i have the energy to give people 100% i DO and i'm ready to and i've BEEN ready

anyway that is all. i have tried to be so normal i have tried not to complain because there are bigger problems in the world right now and this is comparatively a drop in the bucket in terms of shit too complain about but god fucking dammit im frustrated

and i'm so fucking happy for you if this isnt your experience and you get included all the time and get sent memes every time you post them and your messages about plotting and memes don't go consistently unanswered but that hasn't been my experience for a long time and it hasn't been a lot of people's experiences and i deserve to say that i am frustrated and annoyed by it.

[atv-migrated]

lil rant about how i've been feeling as of late, a state of the union address if you will

i love being here i love my muses here. being in this fandom has always been an incredible drain on my mental health and i've had to completely abandon it multiple times because it's just not been good to me or for me. i wish i could be here 24/7 and thrive but that's just not the case and the closer we get to ho/td s2 airing the worse i know it's gonna get.

i'm gonna be so very fr and say i've never felt good enough to be here. i've always felt like respect in this fandom is earned by how well you remember the books and how much you dislike the show, immediately followed by how good your aesthetic is. and that's just not me. i've got the aesthetic thing down but that absolutely came from feeling like i had to make up for what i'm lacking. i've read the books, i listened to the audiobooks while i was painting during the pandemic but like i do not remember them and it feels fucking shitty to constantly feel like because i don't remember super specific details from the books or because my muses are generally show based that i'm not good enough or that my writing just isn't enough. i don't have the time or energy to be rereading these books and taking notes in the margins like i'm in english class. the wiki is my best friend.

and i used to just interact with show based blogs but more and more i'm finding those just don't exist and i fucking get it. the energy here is rather unwelcoming at times. trying to write here feels like taking a test a lot of the time and i'm just barely passing. i feel like im getting a C maybe at best.

honestly i'm jealous y'all can retain this amount of information about the books and i probably could if i tried, lord knows i did it for h/p and marveI movies and pj/o back in the day. but i had more time then and it didn't feel like life or death as much as it does now.

idk what i hope to get out of this i just have been having a hard time being here and writing and pretending like i feel okay with the space i take up in the fandom when i don't. i love my friends i love y'alls passion it's just a lot and its an intense experience being here and i feel like no one really ever talks about that and maybe no one's experiencing it like i am and i'm just more sensitive cause i've also had a lot of like interpersonal problems with this rpc but i had something to say thats being bugging me and i've said it. and you don't have to like it but it's how i feel.

[heartsbreaking-migrated]

i know i don't really owe anyone anything in terms of explanations for what's going on in my head, but i also i know that of the 545 people following me at least one of y'all has got to having similar experiences to me. idk if i want advice or reassurance or just someone to know so i don't feel like i'm just on an island alone. (btw if you don't like oversharing this is not the post for you)

so here's a lil update ig

i think i have bpd or at least something with similar symptoms. i can't get a diagnosis or even talk about it with a professional rn because my beloved therapist is on maternity leave. the same things i'm gonna talk about in regards to my rp experience i'v experienced with friends irl i just don't have friends at home (i do when i'm at school i'm just not there rn) so it's not really getting triggered.

emotions always feel like life or death to me like, if i'm happy i'm really happy and if i'm upset it's the end of the world. my parents lecturing me? they obviously hate me and are seething with rage. irl i can be very reactive or internalize everything but online i take all the things that would normally trigger a very outward response irl and turn it on myself. so the stuff that i'd internalize normally and the stuff that i wouldn't also gets internalized. basically it's not a very nice place in my head a lot of the time. and rp makes me really happy, i love writing, i swear i wouldn't be doing this if it didn't actually feel fulfilling to me.

but the intrapersonal part is really really hard for me. i don't ever feel really secure in my relationships with people here no matter how much they affirm them with or without me asking. sometimes it feels really hard for me to "share" my friends and then i spiral because i'm both upset i have to "share" them and upset that i feel like that because i don't WANT to feel like i just want my friends to be only my friends i want to be normal about them and about things. so i'm basically either really clingy or i don't let myself reach out to anyone because i feel like i'm going to annoy them or they're gonna know i want to be their friend and not want to reciprocate even tho we're mutuals.

the worst part about it at least to me is that i know what triggers me but there's absolutely no way to avoid it in rp. irl if i know i'm gonna be in a situation thats gonna set me off i can avoid it but its much easier to fully say 'i don't want to go out today' and still be friends with someone and not be in the situation. here the situation is everything. if someone gets more asks from one person and answers a bunch all at once, my brain starts acting up even tho it has nothing to do with me. if my friend posts about their ship regularly but doesn't post about ours as often, my brain acts up. i don't want it to because logically i know it doesn't mean anything but logic doesn't help me when my brain is cannibalizing itself and physically removing myself from the situation (going offline) doesn't help because its all in my head.

my reactions either range from panic attacks that last from like 30 minutes to hours, just going completely numb and the instinct to just cut off friendships in a kinda 'they don't want me so it doesn't matter' thought process but then i have the follow up thought of 'but i like them and i need them and i don't want to lose this friendship' so i just end up stuck. i spend a lot of time just stuck in my own head.

i think i end up coming off pretty antisocial here because a lot of the time i'd rather just write with people and not make that ooc friendship because its so much easier not to react like a crazy person when i don't feel like we're friends. but i think that also limits a lot of the interactions i get and THAT triggers me cause i feel like people don't want to have more developed dynamics.

all of this is so much easier to handle when i'm going to therapy regularly and i'm in school and i have something quantifiable that i'm good at (not to brag but i'm fucking amazing at school).

i guess the reason i'm saying all of this is to say rp is fucking hard for me and i try not to mention any of this to people because i don't want to seem nuts or like a burden but i don't think that strategy is working for me anymore. there's no world where i can keep writing and hide the fact that i just don't react to shit like i'm supposed to because i'm tired.

i'm not gonna bring it up actively but at the same time like i guess having this post written and out in the ether at least while i can't go to therapy makes it all feel less heavy ya know?

[artistsquirrel]

Headcanon: nico is older/younger when it's convenient.

Exhibit A

Nico, yelling at will for taking him to olive garden: EVEN AS A JOKE THAT IS NOT OKAY, I FUCKING SWEAR TO THE GODS-

Will, jokingly: you can't swear, you're just a little baby 14 yo. 

Nico: I am 97 will, do you really wanna have this conversation right now?

Will:

Nico:

  

Wil: ..wut

Exhibit B

Will, Reading the instructions to a board game: okay so it says here that the youngest gets to start. Guess I'm going first then-

Nico: what? I'm literally 14. You're like 1 and a half years older me.

Will:

Will: YOU WERE 97 LIKE 3 HOURS AGO!?!?

Exhibit C

Will, with Nico in cabin 13: hey baby you wanna-

Nico: Who tf are you calling Baby, you foetus? I'm old enough to be your great grandfather.

Will, taking a deep breath: NICO YOU ARE SITTING IN MY LAP EATING ANIMAL CRACKERS WHAT EVEN

[aroaceleovaldez]

once again thinking about my au of Alabaster willingly getting possessed by Jason as a bargaining chip for Camp Jupiter/Olympus to try and get around his exile...

[ooogleys]

DRDT SPOILERS IN TAGS!!!!

highkey i would hate being ace markey

[pjoedits]

Nico: I've decided to come clean. I like you.

Will: Sweetheart, we've been married for 3 years.

[gatesofember]

I came up with an idea for a fic that I’m calling the six seeds au

Will is a dumbass and skips off to the underworld alone to bring Jason back for Nico. he can’t bring Jason back but he strikes a deal with Hades that will link his soul to Jason’s and partially bind him to the underworld, so Will spends six months of the year in the underworld while Jason is in the world of the living, then they switch for the next six months. so, similar to Persephone. or Dumuzid and Geshtinanna in Mesopotamian mythology. Will eats six pomegranate seeds to seal the deal, hence the name of the au.

now obviously this whole “I only get to see Will and Jason for half the year and never at the same time” thing wouldn’t be ideal for Nico and of course he’s upset with Will for doing something so reckless and sacrificial. but the real problem is that Will cannot survive in the underworld. it’s draining him more and more every day. there’s no way he’s even going to make it to the end of his first six months. and since his soul is now tied to Jason’s, this means that Jason is dying, too.

so Nico has to march up to his dad like “hey wtf” and Hades might regret not taking into consideration that Will’s a little Sun baby and can’t survive in the underworld and he might feel bad for doing this to his son so he might let slip that maybe a certain cure (one Nico may be familiar with) could break Will from the vow to stay in the underworld for half the year.

so now Jason and Nico have to go on a quest to get the physician’s cure. and Jason is dying because Will is dying. also maybe Will is sometimes in Jason’s head adding commentary through their soul bond because I think that would be funny.

and uhhh yeah that’s all I’ve got for now but idk I think this fic sounds fun so maybe I’ll come back to this

[heartsbreaking]

i am no longer joining new rpcs if i get a hyperfixation on something new y'all gotta start reminding me of every time i get excited about something and get my heart absolutely obliterated by the rpc.

[howtotrainyourhiccup]

yall dean liked my comment on ig trashing ppl who r shitting on the casting of httyd live action 😭😭 LMAOO like he said stfu yall Nico & mason r gonna kill it!! me and dean gonna protect these kids with our whole lives

[heartsbreaking-migrated]

i got that 'idk where i fit in the rpc' dog in me again

if y'all have any good vibes for this or for finals season send them my way because the tasks are descending upon me and the mental illness came with em

[oakthefrog]

MY BOY

HE SOUNDS SO YOUNG AND HAPPY UGH MY POOR BOY

[aryxchse]

just finished reading blood of olympus and these are my thoughts / feelings.

i have one thought and it's that leo fucking valdez should've said the whole plan to hazel and frank. i know his plan was finding c*lypso again, but like, make sure piper and jason knows you're alive, yk? those are your friends for festus' sake

as feelings; i fucking loved solangelo, reyna made me fall in love with her so hard, the iconic line of 'you're not my type' was something worth to read it, ATHENA AND BELLONA ACTUALLY MADE ME PROUD??? wish athena would back up her own daughter this much, but then again the gods x their children fighting with gigants exist and that made me fucking want to FIGHT NEXT TO THEM.

the gods' characters could've been more good, like i kinda feel like hera scares zeus in some type of way, and he was fucking disrespectful. hera's plan was actually good, just cruel. anyway did i mention how i loved reyna avila ramirez-arellano??? i am in love guys, percabeth ate their 5 minutes of screen time and piper is so fucking powerful i wanna cry.

JASON GRACE THE MAN YOU ARE. THAT'S ALL IM GONNA SAY ABOUT MY PRECIOUS ANGEL. jason and percy's friendship and brotherhood made me want to throw up because of love, i adored them omgs 🤭 also nico and reyna's friendship is made me cried too. i wanted to see MORE HERA AND POSEIDON AND IDEK WHY.

camp jupiter and camp half blood just being kids together at the end... gods that made me wanna ugly cry so fucking bad, and them leaving too. did i mention how i loved jason grace? anyways i hated leo in this book for choosing c*lypso over his friends.

and for the last, my favorite line of percy;

"Greeks! let's uh, fight stuff!"

[nico-the-overlord]

Stfu stfu stfu stfu stfu stf

[thebigqueer]

cant believe they had the balls to let epiales, known nonbinary demon, say this and then still didn't confirm nico to be nb. they had all the power to make nico nonbinary in this book but they DIDNT. im frothing at the mouth

[lewishamiltonstuff]

When Lewis says he doesn't wanna do it: Lewis bad

When Max says he doesn't wanna do it: I love his self confidence so much