#nico stfu

[amongthevipers]

lil rant about how i've been feeling as of late, a state of the union address if you will

i love being here i love my muses here. being in this fandom has always been an incredible drain on my mental health and i've had to completely abandon it multiple times because it's just not been good to me or for me. i wish i could be here 24/7 and thrive but that's just not the case and the closer we get to ho/td s2 airing the worse i know it's gonna get.

i'm gonna be so very fr and say i've never felt good enough to be here. i've always felt like respect in this fandom is earned by how well you remember the books and how much you dislike the show, immediately followed by how good your aesthetic is. and that's just not me. i've got the aesthetic thing down but that absolutely came from feeling like i had to make up for what i'm lacking. i've read the books, i listened to the audiobooks while i was painting during the pandemic but like i do not remember them and it feels fucking shitty to constantly feel like because i don't remember super specific details from the books or because my muses are generally show based that i'm not good enough or that my writing just isn't enough. i don't have the time or energy to be rereading these books and taking notes in the margins like i'm in english class. the wiki is my best friend.

and i used to just interact with show based blogs but more and more i'm finding those just don't exist and i fucking get it. the energy here is rather unwelcoming at times. trying to write here feels like taking a test a lot of the time and i'm just barely passing. i feel like im getting a C maybe at best.

honestly i'm jealous y'all can retain this amount of information about the books and i probably could if i tried, lord knows i did it for h/p and marveI movies and pj/o back in the day. but i had more time then and it didn't feel like life or death as much as it does now.

idk what i hope to get out of this i just have been having a hard time being here and writing and pretending like i feel okay with the space i take up in the fandom when i don't. i love my friends i love y'alls passion it's just a lot and its an intense experience being here and i feel like no one really ever talks about that and maybe no one's experiencing it like i am and i'm just more sensitive cause i've also had a lot of like interpersonal problems with this rpc but i had something to say thats being bugging me and i've said it. and you don't have to like it but it's how i feel.

[heartsbreaking-migrated]

i know i don't really owe anyone anything in terms of explanations for what's going on in my head, but i also i know that of the 545 people following me at least one of y'all has got to having similar experiences to me. idk if i want advice or reassurance or just someone to know so i don't feel like i'm just on an island alone. (btw if you don't like oversharing this is not the post for you)

so here's a lil update ig

i think i have bpd or at least something with similar symptoms. i can't get a diagnosis or even talk about it with a professional rn because my beloved therapist is on maternity leave. the same things i'm gonna talk about in regards to my rp experience i'v experienced with friends irl i just don't have friends at home (i do when i'm at school i'm just not there rn) so it's not really getting triggered.

emotions always feel like life or death to me like, if i'm happy i'm really happy and if i'm upset it's the end of the world. my parents lecturing me? they obviously hate me and are seething with rage. irl i can be very reactive or internalize everything but online i take all the things that would normally trigger a very outward response irl and turn it on myself. so the stuff that i'd internalize normally and the stuff that i wouldn't also gets internalized. basically it's not a very nice place in my head a lot of the time. and rp makes me really happy, i love writing, i swear i wouldn't be doing this if it didn't actually feel fulfilling to me.

but the intrapersonal part is really really hard for me. i don't ever feel really secure in my relationships with people here no matter how much they affirm them with or without me asking. sometimes it feels really hard for me to "share" my friends and then i spiral because i'm both upset i have to "share" them and upset that i feel like that because i don't WANT to feel like i just want my friends to be only my friends i want to be normal about them and about things. so i'm basically either really clingy or i don't let myself reach out to anyone because i feel like i'm going to annoy them or they're gonna know i want to be their friend and not want to reciprocate even tho we're mutuals.

the worst part about it at least to me is that i know what triggers me but there's absolutely no way to avoid it in rp. irl if i know i'm gonna be in a situation thats gonna set me off i can avoid it but its much easier to fully say 'i don't want to go out today' and still be friends with someone and not be in the situation. here the situation is everything. if someone gets more asks from one person and answers a bunch all at once, my brain starts acting up even tho it has nothing to do with me. if my friend posts about their ship regularly but doesn't post about ours as often, my brain acts up. i don't want it to because logically i know it doesn't mean anything but logic doesn't help me when my brain is cannibalizing itself and physically removing myself from the situation (going offline) doesn't help because its all in my head.

my reactions either range from panic attacks that last from like 30 minutes to hours, just going completely numb and the instinct to just cut off friendships in a kinda 'they don't want me so it doesn't matter' thought process but then i have the follow up thought of 'but i like them and i need them and i don't want to lose this friendship' so i just end up stuck. i spend a lot of time just stuck in my own head.

i think i end up coming off pretty antisocial here because a lot of the time i'd rather just write with people and not make that ooc friendship because its so much easier not to react like a crazy person when i don't feel like we're friends. but i think that also limits a lot of the interactions i get and THAT triggers me cause i feel like people don't want to have more developed dynamics.

all of this is so much easier to handle when i'm going to therapy regularly and i'm in school and i have something quantifiable that i'm good at (not to brag but i'm fucking amazing at school).

i guess the reason i'm saying all of this is to say rp is fucking hard for me and i try not to mention any of this to people because i don't want to seem nuts or like a burden but i don't think that strategy is working for me anymore. there's no world where i can keep writing and hide the fact that i just don't react to shit like i'm supposed to because i'm tired.

i'm not gonna bring it up actively but at the same time like i guess having this post written and out in the ether at least while i can't go to therapy makes it all feel less heavy ya know?

[heartsbreaking]

the sun is down and it is time. first some thoughts since i'm unfortunately still rawdogging life therapy free

head is still bad, not in hospitable, not a wastland just not good rn and i get triggered by the smallest weirdest most unpredictable shit (okay well it's actually entirely predictable but i don't always know when it's gonna affect me and when i'm able to just be normal about it)

one thing that really does feel like progress, idk if it's helpful but it's progress. is trying to tell myself that my friends probably sometimes react the same way to me. like i know how i'm reacting is a symptom of something whether its ocd/bpd or just general somethings not right in my head, i know i'm not the only one that has the reaction i do. like if im upset by something and i'm feeling idk territorial/not special whatever it is, it makes me feel a little less bad less guilty to think that maybe i'm not the only one having weird reactions to shit. and then i feel better, or i'm at least able to contextualize my feelings and treat them as just a feeling and not a reality.

[nicholas-wolfwood]

"I CAN take care of myself, yanno!"

[frayededges-archived]

nico’s negativity corner (let me be im in the throes of being a burnt out lil bitch)

i have been grindin, working so hard at school that like i really don’t have time to talk to people like at all and the writing i do is mostly queued. but my drafts are piling up on my blogs because i just don’t have the time or energy to do long stuff.

but like i’m at this point where i just don’t know what the point is. cause i don’t feel like any of my blogs are enough and i don’t think i’m good enough. cause it’s not enough just to write and be left alone. like thats not how tumblr works. and i look at my friends and my mutuals who get unprompted starters and have hella dynamics and make each other edits and i just want to give up cause that’s not my reality and in a way i feel like it can’t be. because i KNOW that if i want that i have to initiate it but i have so many trust issues and so much anxiety that tells me if i put the effort in like that, and really devote my time to people in that way our friendship will crumble like it did with [redacted] and [redacted]. like being a kind of distant friend is so much easier because if something happens it won’t hurt as bad, but it doesn’t make ME feel good and i feel bad cause i want to show off my friends and love them fully and obnoxiously. that’s the kind of person i am. but if i get hurt again i really do think it would break me. and so it’s hard to put in 110% effort when i feel like that’s going to be the catalyst for what makes me lose all my closest friends

but then i feel inadequate cause i don’t have the types of dynamics i see on the dash and it’s so fucking DUMB because i have the power to change that but i can’t because im so scared.

and i have to tell myself that it’s the stress and the exhaustion thats making me think more about this and feel worse about this, but i don’t feel good and sometimes i want to leave so it’s just not a problem anymore.

it’s like i can’t ask people to love me the way i want to be love and give me 110% effort if i’m not even capable of letting myself give that kind of effort. and its just a cycle and im aware of it but for the life of me i can’t break it so i sit here in this bitterness and jealousy knowing if i stew in it im going to make something worse than what im scared of happening. but there’s NOTHING i can do about it because my mind is against me. i hate it.

[heroeslogic-moved]

i am staring at atj in aou with so much nostalgia tonite.

[artistsquirrel]

Headcanon: nico is older/younger when it's convenient.

Exhibit A

Nico, yelling at will for taking him to olive garden: EVEN AS A JOKE THAT IS NOT OKAY, I FUCKING SWEAR TO THE GODS-

Will, jokingly: you can't swear, you're just a little baby 14 yo. 

Nico: I am 97 will, do you really wanna have this conversation right now?

Will:

Nico:

  

Wil: ..wut

Exhibit B

Will, Reading the instructions to a board game: okay so it says here that the youngest gets to start. Guess I'm going first then-

Nico: what? I'm literally 14. You're like 1 and a half years older me.

Will:

Will: YOU WERE 97 LIKE 3 HOURS AGO!?!?

Exhibit C

Will, with Nico in cabin 13: hey baby you wanna-

Nico: Who tf are you calling Baby, you foetus? I'm old enough to be your great grandfather.

Will, taking a deep breath: NICO YOU ARE SITTING IN MY LAP EATING ANIMAL CRACKERS WHAT EVEN

[heavenlyhischier]

Nico Hischier Practice Raw | 03.06.24

[ooogleys]

DRDT SPOILERS IN TAGS!!!!

highkey i would hate being ace markey

[pjoedits]

Nico: I've decided to come clean. I like you.

Will: Sweetheart, we've been married for 3 years.

[gatesofember]

I came up with an idea for a fic that I’m calling the six seeds au

Will is a dumbass and skips off to the underworld alone to bring Jason back for Nico. he can’t bring Jason back but he strikes a deal with Hades that will link his soul to Jason’s and partially bind him to the underworld, so Will spends six months of the year in the underworld while Jason is in the world of the living, then they switch for the next six months. so, similar to Persephone. or Dumuzid and Geshtinanna in Mesopotamian mythology. Will eats six pomegranate seeds to seal the deal, hence the name of the au.

now obviously this whole “I only get to see Will and Jason for half the year and never at the same time” thing wouldn’t be ideal for Nico and of course he’s upset with Will for doing something so reckless and sacrificial. but the real problem is that Will cannot survive in the underworld. it’s draining him more and more every day. there’s no way he’s even going to make it to the end of his first six months. and since his soul is now tied to Jason’s, this means that Jason is dying, too.

so Nico has to march up to his dad like “hey wtf” and Hades might regret not taking into consideration that Will’s a little Sun baby and can’t survive in the underworld and he might feel bad for doing this to his son so he might let slip that maybe a certain cure (one Nico may be familiar with) could break Will from the vow to stay in the underworld for half the year.

so now Jason and Nico have to go on a quest to get the physician’s cure. and Jason is dying because Will is dying. also maybe Will is sometimes in Jason’s head adding commentary through their soul bond because I think that would be funny.

and uhhh yeah that’s all I’ve got for now but idk I think this fic sounds fun so maybe I’ll come back to this

[heartsbreaking-migrated]

i got that 'idk where i fit in the rpc' dog in me again

if y'all have any good vibes for this or for finals season send them my way because the tasks are descending upon me and the mental illness came with em

[heartsbreaking]

okie dokie team, i'm gonna try and write later

brain demons are brain demoning today and i have rph stuff i can do.

[mikkomacko]

People who write a fic about 1 player but then still tag it as another player x reader are my mortal enemies and the bane of my existence

[frayededges-archived]

just a lil ranty vent

respectfully what the fuck happened to this rpc?

it was dead before the movie and now it's not the same. the new people don't seem to want to write with the old people. and i do try, i do try and follow the new blogs but they don't wanna follow me back. the tw rpc used to be the friendliest most open rpc i was apart of. now it feels like every other rpc i've tried to throw alice in. it feels like i have to work to earn my keep. it feels like i used to be good enough and now alice and i aren't even worth a second of people's time. hell, even my fucking multi isn't worth people's time.

i miss when people were friends with each other and it didn't feel like everyone was separate. maybe i got really lucky with alice the first time and that people just liked her but it used to feel like people actually liked each other and the rpc was a community and now everyone is split up. it's just like every other goddamn rpc. and i fucking hate it.

i used to know that no matter what happened on my other blogs i could come back here and be assured that people loved alice and i'd always feel safe and welcome. and now that's basically gone.

[heroeslogic-moved]

i'm putting this blog on hiatus for who knows how long, maybe i'll come back if i feel better, maybe i won't.

if you wanna write with my more active blogs my multi ( @heartsbreaking ) is the most active rn, you can also add me on disco it's number one maya lopez stan#5086 and if you wanna send anon hate since i know some of you are that bored with your lives at least be fucking creative with it.

bye for now.

nothing i'll ever do, no amount of time spent developing this character, no amount of memes, one shots lore or whatever has ever made people see her and i'm fucking tired. i'm tired of feeling like i have to fight to have my muse noticed in this fucking rpc. i want to be involved in things! i want to feel like my muse matters and no matter how hard i try that's never going to happen, is it. whether its because i write an oc or i dont have the right friends or whatever. i have been trying to find my place in this rpc for two years and ive never found it. im kind of tired of trying. i love alice i love her so much and it hurts so bad that people don't see how special she is to me. i know she's special, i am confident that i've made a good character and that's why it hurts so bad when no matter how much effort i put in to write and reblog memes and interact it always feels like i'm missing out.

so for now i'm done. it's not permanent, at least i don't intend for it to be. but i'm too fucking exhausted to put up a resistance anymore. i'm tired of reblogging memes and not getting any. my threads i do have i've had for so long i'm losing interest. goodnight.