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halothenthehorns · 3 days ago

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Chapter 12: (LEO XI)- A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS BY LEO VALDEZ

LEONIDAS NOT DWELLING ON THE DWELLABLE VALDEZ

HERA IS THE MOST BABYSITTER GODDESS OF ALL TIME

FIRE BURNS AWAY INNOCENCE

….hey, so, just to keep my long time readers updated, my curse is still very active somehow of picking these reading orders At Random?! and yet Leo got this chapter!? What is wrong with me? Why is This my secret ability…

HOOPJOHOOPJO

Will was so used to handing the chapter to Alex when his turn was over, a part of his brain still half expected to see him reaching eagerly for the book when he looked up. Alex had always been so enthusiastic for the carnage of Percy’s life. “Leo, you’re the only one who hasn’t had a chance, and it’s switched back to you?” He offered as kindly as possible. Which was a lot for him, Leo was already looking round with a surprisingly kind smile in turn just for the tone.

He seemed reluctant at best to take the book though, even if he’d grown comfortable enough that his usual energy just talking to them was starting to show. Leo had never passed up a participation trophy before though, they were so easy to bend to his needs. So he sat on his papers and read his own name and flashed Jason an awkward smile like, ‘can’t believe we’re doing this buddy!?’

And Jason nodded back like he completely understood.

LEO XI

PIPER turned beautiful.

“She was already beautiful,” Jason said stoutly, then sighed when that just made Percy and Leo start snickering again at his blabber mouth. Something he really hadn’t thought he had before Piper! If she did decide she liked him later, he hoped she’d find that more endearing than this strange superhero persona she kept pinning on him.

Sure, it was amazing and all—She’s got makeup! It’s a miracle! —

Okay, Leo was actually glad to be reading now though. He just knew these plebeians would never put the right amount of sarcastic energy into that as he could!

“Maybe Drew will stop calling her a Dumpster Queen at least,” Will frowned.

“I think Drew’s more creative than that Will,” Thalia said, honestly a tad concerned. Her jokes about that cabin were about to make an unpleasant appearance in someone else's mouth…but with the added bonus that whatever Drew tried to insult Piper with Thalia could turn back on her.

but Leo had problems to deal with.

“Real problems that don’t involve saving Hera, and dresses,” Annabeth nodded. Leo was going after the dragon!

Leo grinned in surprise to hear the approval in her voice. At least if the dragon ate someone she might be as excited to see the jaw gears as he would.

He ducked out of the amphitheater and ran into the darkness, wondering what he’d gotten himself into. He’d stood up in front of a bunch of stronger, braver demigods and volunteered—volunteered—for a mission that would probably get him killed.

He hadn’t mentioned seeing Tía Callida, his old babysitter, but as soon as he’d heard about Jason’s vision—the lady in the black dress and shawl—Leo knew it was the same woman. Tía Callida was Hera.

This had been pretty obviously implied before, but having it all but confirmed now through Leo wasn’t met with rousing cheers of excitement.

Hera jamming her caged little fingers into all three of their lives truly was a desperate act that baffled them all.

“You said she visited you as a child and tried to kill you?” Annabeth asked with a far away look in her eyes.

Leo didn’t feel like explaining, he hated remembering how upset his mom had been.

This was the part Annabeth clearly couldn’t shake though. Jason’s life being tied into Hera’s she could understand, Piper was being dragged in kicking and screaming thanks to her dad, but this?! Hera The Babysitter Goddess!? To a child of Hephaestus!

The goddess had been building up to this for years. She’d been keeping an eye on kids who were going to be crucial in this coming Giant War. It honestly, finally explained why she even voted to let Percy live all those years ago, despite having no love for heroes and how surprising that had really been. How much she knew exactly and how much was just godly intuition and hunches she couldn't imagine, but it was infuriating.

His evil babysitter was the queen of the gods.

Jason looked like someone was nuking his reality. He was more or less used to this common attitude of the gods in these guys lives, this was just another level of that to them.

He was still studying the book like it was speaking a language he’d never be able to translate. It was like the difference between someone explaining a concept to you and then throwing you in head first and expecting you to get every detail right on the first try.

Somewhere in his mind, he’d always known he was connected to Hera. Someone had sat him down and told him this before. Hearing it in action just did not compute, let alone with some other kid he had no tangible relation with outside of the godly bloodline.

Stuff like that could really deep-fry your brain.

“And here I thought there was nothing I wouldn’t try after the deep-fried cockroaches,” Percy said in sympathy.

“Thank you for not eating my brain,” Leo nodded.

Even Annabeth was giving Percy a concerned look for that one though.

“There was a fair!” Percy said, like their greatest concern was him catching the bugs himself.

“Only in New York,” Will muttered before turning away.

He trudged toward the woods and tried not to think about his childhood—all the messed-up things that had led to his mother’s death.

Leo’s eyes kept flickering to the kid dressed in all black, who had a creepy death vibe and had apparently brought his sister back to life just yesterday or something. Leo didn’t suppose he was around volunteering to do that for others-

But he cut that thought off cold. His mom wasn’t coming back, that was Frankenstine thinking.

Still, forcing himself to say that out loud, for the first time in a very long time, was bubbling up all kinds of emotions he wasn’t sure what to do with other than pop them as they appeared.

But he couldn’t help it.

The first time Tía Callida tried to kill him, he must’ve been about two.

Leo sighed, and then hung his head, and groaned. Of course these books were going to start spewing out his tragic past!

He sat up straight, all prim and proper, and made a show of telling them all about his tragic life with a demonstration! Maybe he’d even build them a puppet show!

Jason wasn’t staring at him like the others were, worried about him being forced into this or already clearly understanding this tragic series of unfortunate events wasn’t going to be narrated with fun similes.

He was jealous. Jason didn’t show it much, he never showed any emotion too much if he could avoid it, but Leo could absolutely tell from the way that scar on his mouth tightened and his nostrils flared extra hard when he breathed. It was almost anger, but not at him.

And that was a strange comfort. He could remember his mom and his life before it all went belly up. Jason didn’t even have that, he’d been relying on this book and occasionally Thalia to fill in all those missing blanks. Leo had never really been able to help anyone, even his plans for Festus hadn’t come to anything yet.

Tía Callida was looking after him while his mother was at the machine shop. She wasn’t really his aunt, of course —just one of the old women in the community, a generic tía who helped watch the kids.

Percy looked blankly at the book, and it wasn’t because Leo did randomly say a few words in Spanish. That sense of a public family was something he’d only heard about and half wondered sometimes if TV made it up. The closest he’d ever come to seeing it was here at Camp.

She smelled like a honey-baked ham, and always wore a widow’s dress with a black shawl.

“I mean, I know we all wish Zeus dead sometimes, but,” Thalia laughed awkwardly for that choice.

“I’m sure she’s mourning her loss of Annabeth’s respect or something more important,” Percy rolled his eyes.

“Let’s set you down for a nap,” she said. “Let’s see if you are my brave little hero, eh?”

Leo was sleepy. She nestled him into his blankets in a warm mound of red and yellow—pillows? The bed was like a cubbyhole in the wall, made of blackened bricks, with a metal slot over his head and a square hole far above, where he could see the stars. He remembered resting comfortably, grabbing at sparks like fireflies. He dozed, and dreamed of a boat made of fire, sailing through the cinders. He imagined himself on board, navigating the sky. Somewhere nearby, Tía Callida sat in her rocking chair—creak, creak, creak—and sang a lullaby. Even at two, Leo knew the difference between English and Spanish, and he remembered being puzzled because Tía Callida was singing in a language that was neither.

“She must have taken maternity tips from Demeter or something,” Annabeth rolled her eyes. It figured, she wouldn’t know what to do with a baby of her own. “That’s the same trick she used on Demophoon to make him immortal.”

“And now I’m grateful none of the gods apparently got a hand in naming us,” Percy frowned for the poor doomed kid. “Do I want to know how that story ended?”

“Demeter got interrupted and he stayed a mortal kid, but his older brother Triptolemus was rewarded for helping her find out what happened to Persephone by being the god of farming.” Annabeth said.

“Well, kid got lucky for being interrupted to be honest. Can you imagine him Fully-Phoon, the god?” Thalia chuckled.

Annabeth sighed at her idiots with pure love.

Everything was fine until his mother came home.

“I can’t imagine your mom tried to test out that particular blessing herself even if she did know who your dad was,” Percy winced. He knew all too well the terror that would have caused his mom. At least, he had no memory of her holding him underwater just to see what would happen like Hera might have done.

“Astounding I know, but the poor kid was not smoking a pack in his crib to find out,” Leo agreed.

She screamed and raced over to snatch him up, yelling at Tía Callida, “How could you?” But the old lady had disappeared. Leo remembered looking over his mother’s shoulder at the flames curling around his blankets. Only years later had he realized he’d been sleeping in a blazing fireplace.

Hazel was studying Leo again, this time with a sense of wonder for Leo instead of expecting Sammy. She couldn't imagine her mother pulling her out of a blazing fire, possibly burning herself like that.

The weirdest thing? Tía Callida hadn’t been arrested or even banished from their house. She appeared again several times over the next few years.

Nobody could begin to guess exactly how much Leo’s mom knew about all this, how involved she’d been. Thalia wouldn’t have been surprised to hear if she just hadn’t cared either way. Percy at least hoped as fondly as Leo spoke of her, she knew she couldn’t stop this, but wanted to love him through it.

Once when Leo was three, she let him play with knives.

“Well nobody can say she wasn’t using the right kind of preparation,” Thalia said with dripping disdain.

“Are you ninja awesome good with knives thanks to toddler practice Leo?” Percy asked with interest.

“Not in the slightest,” Leo shrugged. “I’ve actually been banned from pointy objects on a regular basis because of a few accidental clippings that were entirely my fault. Also, I wasn’t aiming for her toosh, but I wasn’t sorry either.”

“Oh thank gods, Hera’s still useless then,” Thalia nodded as if this were a great crisis averted.

“You must learn your blades early,” she insisted, “if you are to be my hero someday.”

That statement hit Jason like Mount Tam had just come down on his head. Everybody who met him had universally agreed he should have died. His mother had given him up to Hera…and some part of him up to now had sort of assumed that whole patronage thing meant he was her champion. She’d spared his life to do her bidding.

Now he realized she had a backup all along!? He knew he was disposable to this goddess, but it didn’t feel great to now be sitting in the presence of his literal replacement.

Leo clearly wasn’t making that same connection. He was the most jittery person reading any of them had ever seen. Constantly criss crossing his feet, switching the book from one hand to the other, his eyes kept flicking up to everyone watching and back to the text as if anxious to make sure he still should keep going. Jason didn’t let the resentment show on his face, this was not Leo’s fault.

The question wouldn’t leave him though, like his mind had been set on fire. Why hadn’t Leo’s memories been taken away? Why did he get nap times in firepits to mould him and he got this!

Leo managed not to kill himself, but he got the feeling Tía Callida wouldn’t have cared one way or the other.

Leo remembered the comment about the tour and how he’d probably make his own weapon as his eyes darted to the knife strapped to Annabeth’s waist. He realized he actually hadn’t made his own magic weapon yet, he’d been spending all his time on Festus. He should probably quit slacking on that considering Jason and Piper were all strapped up…but then, what was better than a weaponized dragon?! He felt like he might have the upper hand there.

When Leo was four, Tía found a rattlesnake for him in a nearby cow pasture.

“Do all demigods get the chance to strangle snakes, or am I just imagining a pattern here?” Percy sighed.

“I really can’t even say it’s all in your head,” Annabeth agreed. She hadn’t personally dealt with one as a toddler, but the traumatic look on Will’s face promised her curse with spiders was clearly just as applicable to Apollo kids with snakes.

She gave him a stick and encouraged him to poke the animal.

“Well that’s just rude to the snake,” Hazel frowned. “It didn’t do anything.”

“I am sure the snake will have some strongly worded feelings about animal cruelty when Hera changes into a peacock again,” Nico chuckled. “Secretary bird should be her new animal honestly, they beat snakes to death.”

“Can I have one?” Will asked way too quickly for it to just be a joke.

Nico laughed and made the mental note to look up how much trouble he’d get into with Chiron for stealing one from a zoo.

“Where is your bravery, little hero? Show me the Fates were right to choose you.” Leo stared down at those amber eyes, hearing the dry shh-shh-ssh of the snake’s rattle. He couldn’t bring himself to poke the snake. It didn’t seem fair. Apparently the snake felt the same way about biting a little kid. Leo could’ve sworn it looked at Tía Callida like, Are you nuts, lady? Then it disappeared into the tall grass.

Even knowing Leo obviously hadn’t died from this thing, Will still released a breath he’d been holding to hear of it gone. He could die happy never even hearing someone else talk about a snake again after the drakon.

The last time she babysat him, Leo was five. She brought him a pack of crayons and a pad of paper.

“Poison crayons?” Percy asked suspiciously.

Nobody even laughed at him. No way would she do something nice like that.

They sat together at the picnic table in back of the apartment complex, under an old pecan tree. While Tía Callida sang her strange songs, Leo drew a picture of the boat he’d seen in the flames, with colorful sails and rows of oars, a curved stern, and an awesome masthead. When he was almost done, about to sign his name the way he’d learned in kindergarten, a wind snatched the picture away. It flew into the sky and disappeared.

“You’re going to build a flying boat?!” Percy asked with the kind of eagerness that would cause an average teacher to have a heart attack for what he was up to.

“I am going to build a flying boat,” Leo agreed with his whole heart. He’d found the blueprints. He’d been going nuts testing out theories of how different wood and celestial bronze were used together before coming up here.

Percy laughed in delight, even Jason joined in after only a moment's hesitation. It just felt so perfect for their current problems in every shape.

Leo wanted to cry. He’d spent so much time on that picture —but Tía Callida just clucked with disappointment.

“It isn’t time yet, little hero. Someday, you’ll have your quest. You’ll find your destiny, and your hard journey will finally make sense. But first you must face many sorrows. I regret that, but heroes cannot be shaped any other way.

“I mean, how hard has she really tried?” but Will’s sigh was exhausted, and resigned. There wasn’t a single kid here who hadn’t gone through some kind of tragedy, it was why Chiron called them all heroes. Even the ones who hadn’t saved the world.

Now, make me a fire, eh? Warm these old bones.” A few minutes later, Leo’s mom came out and shrieked with horror.

“Did your poor mom do that every time she found you on fire?” Hazel asked.

“Yes,” Leo agreed with a depressing smile.

Tía Callida was gone, but Leo sat in the middle of a smoking fire. The pad of paper was reduced to ashes. Crayons had melted into a bubbling puddle of multicolored goo,

“Ah, melting crayons,” Percy nodded as if some great mystery had been solved. They really wouldn't have been surprised if he hadn’t been paying attention to a word until he finally got his answer about those evil things potential.

and Leo’s hands were ablaze, slowly burning through the picnic table.

For years afterward, people in the apartment complex would wonder how someone had seared the impressions of a five-year-old’s hands an inch deep into solid wood.

Hazel couldn’t help a laugh as she imagined the rumors and whispers and myths kids would have sprung up around that. She could just imagine the ghost stories.

Then she winced and trailed off, causing Nico to give her a look of concern. She didn’t feel like explaining that kids probably would have blamed it on her.

Now Leo was sure that Tía Callida, his psychotic babysitter, had been Hera all along. That made her, what—his godly grandmother? His family was even more messed up than he realized.

“Yeah, we try not to dwell on that part as much as we can,” Will assured him.

“Not dwelling on the dwellable is my middle name,” Leo grinned.

“I’ve heard hispanic guys have long names, but that's ridiculous,” Percy snorted.

He wondered if his mother had known the truth. Leo remembered after that last visit, his mom took him inside and had a long talk with him, but he only understood some of it.

“She can’t come back again.” His mom had a beautiful face with kind eyes, and curly dark hair, but she looked older than she was because of hard work. The lines around her eyes were deeply etched. Her hands were callused. She was the first person from their family to graduate from college. She had a degree in mechanical engineering and could design anything, fix anything, build anything. No one would hire her. No company would take her seriously,

Annabeth made such a noise of offense Leo looked around to make sure nobody had thrown her in the fire. Percy had a pretty chilling look on his face too as he rubbed her back.

Leo grinned, because that was just his automatic response when something hurt like that.

so she ended up in the machine shop, trying to make enough money to support the two of them. She always smelled of machine oil, and when she talked with Leo, she switched from Spanish to English constantly—using them like complementary tools. It took Leo years to realize that not everyone spoke that way.

Making a concentrated effort not to do that was probably all that was holding his attention on the book, they all realized, a sort of guilt they knew they couldn’t help in wishing he didn’t have to do that.

She’d even taught him Morse code as a kind of game,

“You know four languages?” Annabeth asked, making her tone sound politely curious instead of incredulous.

“I guess,” Leo shrugged. He’d never thought the Spanish/ English thing was anything special, to many dumb looks from adults who complained he talked too fast and needed to slow down to their speed. The Morse code wasn’t something he’d ever done after he lost his mom. He’d seen his siblings notes and they had the same sort of fluent back and forth of Greek and English all over their papers he found himself reading easily on all sides.

so they could tap messages to each other when they were in different rooms: I love you. You okay? Simple things like that. “I don’t care what Callida says,” his mom told him. “I don’t care about destiny and the Fates. You’re too young for that. You’re still my baby.” She took his hands, looking for burn marks, but of course there weren’t any. “Leo, listen to me. Fire is a tool, like anything else, but it’s more dangerous than most. You don’t know your limits. Please, promise me—no more fire until you meet your father. Someday, mijo, you will meet him. He’ll explain everything.”

Percy sighed, not exactly happy he’d been right. Leo’s mom was just a hispanic version of his own, in all the important ways. Hera being around and not having a Big Three dad might have saved Leo from having someone like Smelly Gabe around, but knowing the end to this story only gave him a sick sense of dread.

Leo had heard that since he could remember. Someday he would meet his dad. His mom wouldn’t answer any questions about him. Leo had never met him, never even seen pictures, but she talked like he’d just gone to the store for some milk and he’d be back any minute. Leo tried to believe her. Someday, everything would make sense. For the next couple of years, they were happy. Leo almost forgot about Tía Callida. He still dreamed of the flying boat, but the other strange events seemed like a dream too.

It all came apart when he was eight. By then, he was spending every free hour at the shop with his mom. He knew how to use the machines. He could measure and do math better than most adults. He’d learned to think three- dimensionally, solving mechanical problems in his head the way his mom did. One night, they stayed late because his mom was finishing a drill bit design she hoped to patent. If she could sell the prototype, it might change their lives. She’d finally get a break.

Leo hated that his voice choked up reading that. He was kind of breaking his life motto by decidedly Not moving forward! Lingering in all this past and sadness was doing horrible things to his tear ducts!

But, it surprisingly felt kind of good too. He’d spent so much energy trying not to think about his mom, he’d almost forgotten about this patent. A part of him wanted to go build it, right now, to make sure her work was finally seen and appreciated by the world. The worst part of him wanted to make it but never allow another person to see it. If they hadn’t appreciated her work then they shouldn’t deserve it now.

He took a breath and kept reading because he couldn’t run down to the forge right now like he wanted to. If he was going to be in this, he might as well be here!

As she worked, Leo passed her supplies and told her corny jokes, trying to keep her spirits up. He loved it when he could make her laugh. She’d smile and say, “Your father would be proud of you, mijo. You’ll meet him soon, I’m sure.” Mom’s workspace was at the very back of the shop. It was kind of creepy at night, because they were the only ones there. Every sound echoed through the dark warehouse, but Leo didn’t mind as long as he was with his mom. If he did wander the shop, they could always keep in touch with Morse code taps.

Whenever they were ready to leave, they had to walk through the entire shop, through the break room, and out to the parking lot, locking the doors behind them. That night after finishing up, they’d just gotten to the break room when his mom realized she didn’t have her keys. “That’s funny.” She frowned. “I know I had them. Wait here, mijo. I’ll only be a minute.” She gave him one more smile—the last one he’d ever get —and she went back into the warehouse.

Jason could imagine this a little too easily. Leo would have been a diminutive kid at eight. There would be no picnic baskets, no sisters, but Jason had visualized it all enough in his head he didn’t even need the book to know the rest, the unsettling feeling of what was coming. Everything would be too big, he wouldn’t understand. Leo would be left alone with nobody to care for him anymore.

She’d only been gone a few heartbeats when the interior door slammed shut. Then the exterior door locked itself. “Mom?” Leo’s heart pounded. Something heavy crashed inside the warehouse. He ran to the door, but no matter how hard he pulled or kicked, it wouldn’t open. “Mom!” Frantically, he tapped a message on the wall: You okay?

Leo could hear his own voice shaking, could feel the eyes of all these practical strangers on him, all while this replayed in his head in snatches, starts and stops. He kept wanting to rewind to the smile, but his brain kept shooting ahead to the flames.

He’d never told anyone this. He’d had nightmares about it for years, but the instant he awoke, his hands, his mind was doing something, working on some project.

Forcing himself to say all this again, in a linear order, the smells, the details etched out. It made the anger in him sharp, fresher than he’d felt since that day. He did not realize his ears were on fire, and nobody was going to put them out when he wasn’t setting anything else on fire.

This sleeping lady was going to pay.

“She can’t hear you,” a voice said. Leo turned and found himself facing a strange woman. At first he thought it was Tía Callida. She was wrapped in black robes, with a veil covering her face.

“Tía?” he said.

The woman chuckled, a slow gentle sound, as if she were half asleep. “I am not your guardian. Merely a family resemblance.”

‘The family resemblance of only caring about select members,’ Will scowled. He couldn't stand the look on Nico’s face, less consuming in here than it had been in the Underworld, but there all the same. Will knew his myths. He knew who the mother of the giants were, and the only reason Nico would be drawn farther down than his dads domain would be a powerful force stirring even worse than the Titans.

“What—what do you want? Where’s my mom?”

“Ah … loyal to your mother. How nice. But you see, I have children too … and I understand you will fight them someday. When they try to wake me, you will prevent them. I cannot allow that.”

Annabeth’s mouth was painfully dry, she couldn’t swallow. “The giants revenge, the seven shall birth,” Annabeth repeated again in her mind, successfully derailed from her childhood trauma onto this current one. Once the initial blow had faded some to realize how hopelessly useless she’d been to deal with Hera’s rage, she’d been mulling on this in the back of her mind. She knew the name she couldn't believe was real, she knew what she and Chiron didn’t want to speak of for fear of scaring the whole camp into insanity mode.

“I don’t know you. I don’t want to fight anybody.”

Jason knew that once upon a time he’d studied up on his myths, could have named over a hundred alphabetically backwards if he needed to. A recurring theme in them was creating your own enemy. An abstract part of him found this deeply fascinating, that being asleep all these years meant there was a good chance this sleeping woman wouldn't have learned that lesson. He just wished he could remember her name, or why he’d know that!

She muttered like a sleepwalker in a trance, “A wise choice.” With a chill, Leo realized the woman was, in fact, asleep. Behind the veil, her eyes were closed. But even stranger: her clothes were not made of cloth. They were made of earth—dry black dirt, churning and shifting around her. Her pale, sleeping face was barely visible behind a curtain of dust, and he had the horrible sense that she’d just risen from the grave. If the woman was asleep, Leo wanted her to stay that way. He knew that fully awake, she would be even more terrible.

Percy was looking frantically from the book to Annabeth, as if waiting for one of them to say ‘Haha, got ya!’

When this did not happen, he sighed and pulled Riptide out of his pocket and wondered if he could add any extra attachments to it, like giant killing mode if he just changed the ink.

Nico smiled to see that. The insanity, the enormity of the task of keeping her asleep, to keep that grave closed had been wrapped around him so tight like a choker he’d barely been breathing through.

For the first time he felt guilt for his relief this book wasn’t about Jason’s past like the poor guy still deserved. Jason had been thrown headlong into their life for a reason, to put a stop to this. If that was even possible, he’d do whatever he had to to get Jason’s memories back to him in thanks.

“I cannot destroy you yet,” the woman murmured. “The Fates will not allow it. But they do not protect your mother, and they cannot stop me from breaking your spirit. Remember this night, little hero, when they ask you to oppose me.”

Annabeth had dwelled for years in lessons with teachers who wanted her to learn it their way. Follow these exact steps and you’ll reach the same conclusion as me.

It rarely worked out for her, sometimes she didn’t even use the right formula to begin with but still came up with the right answer.

Leo was going to remember this, just like she wanted, but he wasn’t going to circle the answer this goddess wanted. She could hear it, feel it in the heat of the room.

“Leave my mother alone!” Fear rose in his throat as the woman shuffled forward. She moved more like an avalanche than a person, a dark wall of earth shifting toward him.

“How will you stop me?” she whispered. She walked straight through a table, the particles of her body reassembling on the other side. She loomed over Leo, and he knew she would pass right through him, too. He was the only thing between her and his mother. His hands caught fire.

A sleepy smile spread across the woman’s face, as if she’d already won. Leo screamed with desperation. His vision turned red. Flames washed over the earthen woman, the walls, the locked doors. And Leo lost consciousness.

At first Leo thought the odd smudges in the pages were ash, or Will had opened the window and it was flecks of snow.

He sniffed, and coughed, but kept reading without asking himself why his face was burning hot and his eyes itched. It didn’t matter.

Percy and Jason didn’t need to know her name. Didn’t bother to ask and interrupt. The point to them was like the others did, they just knew they could lock target and kill her at the first available moment given.

When he woke, he was in an ambulance. The paramedic tried to be kind. She told him the warehouse had burned down. His mother hadn’t made it out. The paramedic said she was sorry, but Leo felt hollow. He’d lost control, just like his mother had warned. Her death was his fault.

“No, it wasn’t,” Percy said it like a casual impulse of saying his favorite color.

“And what do you know of it?!” Leo snapped back at once. He’d never wanted to talk to anyone about this, and he’d certainly never known anyone long enough who bothered to ask or care.

“Fault? Oh, plenty,” Percy assured, not a trace of fear in his voice about possibly being set on fire if his mouth kept running. “I’ve lived on the line of someone you care about being there with you and it all going as wrong as possible. I just know you wouldn’t hurt your mom on purpose,” he waved at the golden book that now had tiny black finger prints smudged into its gold binding.

Leo meant to argue the point, but he’d had the rug pulled out from under him too fast to do any such thing. He’d lived with this one idea for so long, that someone else seeing it another way left him devoid of his anger, snuffing his flames out too quickly.

He turned back to the book not because he believed him, but because it was still easier to keep moving and finally have a clear path of what to do about this joke of a life than anything else.

Soon the police came to get him, and they weren’t as nice.

“Predictable,” Nico muttered. The amount of times he’d awoken to someone in a uniform telling him he couldn’t sleep here was a blur of memories from having passed out and with no clue how he’d gotten there. They weren’t his favorite mortals.

The fire had started in the break room, they said, right where Leo was standing. He’d survived by some miracle, but what kind of child locked the doors of his mother’s workplace, knowing she was inside, and started a fire?

Hazel was aghast Leo had really gotten the blame for this. People had blamed her and her mother for the strange, mystical things in their town, but that had built up over time. Who could actually believe this poor kid would really do that? What purpose would he have for it?

Leo was done with interruptions though. He was reading with the most serious, focused expression any of them had yet seen on him. He was clearly intending to finish his part and then likely set a few things crooked in his life once he was done.

Later, his neighbors at the apartment complex told the police what a strange boy he was. They talked about the burned handprints on the picnic table. They’d always known something was wrong with Esperanza Valdez’s son. His relatives wouldn’t take him in. His Aunt Rosa called him a diablo and shouted at the social workers to take him away. So Leo went to his first foster home.

Jason couldn’t believe what he’d just heard. Family, that blamed him? Leo had a living relative… that didn’t want him? Thalia had clearly beat herself senseless over not being there for him, Sally was a paragon of the idea. Even Annabeth’s dad clearly felt some complicated feelings on the matter, and Nico’s moms last words had been insisting to the Lord of the Underworld that they should all stay together. Luke had saved the world by being reminded of the promise of family.

Leo sounded so cold reading that though, a sharpness that just didn’t come naturally to him. Even Jason wasn’t real, a fake memory thrown into his life.

He’d invited Leo on this quest without hesitation though. He wanted to be friends with him, at least be someone in his life who picked him.

A few days later, he ran away. Some foster homes lasted longer than others. He would joke around, make a few friends, pretend that nothing bothered him, but he always ended up running sooner or later.

It was the only thing that made the pain better—feeling like he was moving, getting farther and farther away from the ashes of that machine shop. He’d promised himself he would never play with fire again.

A promise he’d broken repeatedly, he seemed to be drawn to it whether he liked it or not. Trying to suppress the flames had only led to smoke spurting out of his pants a time or two, which had made that foster home a thing of the past. Most often he ran away before he let himself get to angry, to emotional in one place, his six months at the Wilderness School was bordering on a new record thanks to Piper. Setting Coach Hedges pants on fire had been an accident, just like all of them. He’d just been trying to rig the whisk through the cheese graters holes to prove one could make cheese cubes into any character's face he wanted when it had gotten out of hand, he’d gotten to excited, it took less and less to make sparks begin these days.

If he couldn’t even keep a promise to himself, how was he supposed to keep a vow to end that dirt lady?

He hadn’t thought about Tía Callida, or the sleeping woman wrapped in earthen robes, for a long time. He was almost to the woods when he imagined Tía Callida’s voice: It wasn’t your fault, little hero. Our enemy wakes. It’s time to stop running.

“That is easily the kindest thing Hera has ever said, and it still came with a side order of motive,” Thalia scowled.

“I’m at that point where, I take what I can get in the good of this,” Will sighed.

“Hera,” Leo muttered, “you’re not even here, are you? You’re in a cage somewhere.” There was no answer. But now, at least, Leo understood something. Hera had been watching him his entire life. Somehow, she’d known that one day she would need him.

And she of course went about it in the most Hera way possible, Annabeth thought scathingly. For all that goddess knew, setting up Leo to die so much would have done the opposite of training him. Remembering all this now could well be setting up Leo resenting having to rescue Hera when he made his way there, like Luke would have. A part of her was hoping they hadn’t, it would be a bittersweet victory with no consequences to them for once strapped safely inside these books.

Maybe those Fates she mentioned could tell the future.

“Not in a very useful way. They prefer to just talk through string and fruit stands,” Percy grumbled.

“Don’t forget the yeti sized socks,” Jason agreed.

Leo looked at them like they were nuts, but he kind of liked that about them too.

Leo wasn’t sure. But he knew he was meant to go on this quest.

Jason’s prophecy warned them to beware the earth, and Leo knew it had something to do with that sleeping woman in the shop, wrapped in robes of shifting dirt. You’ll find your destiny, Tía Callida had promised, and your hard journey will finally make sense.

Leo might find out what that flying boat in his dreams meant. He might meet his father, or even get to avenge his mother’s death. But first things first. He’d promised Jason a flying ride. Not the boat from his dreams—not yet. There wasn’t time to build something that complicated. He needed a quicker solution. He needed a dragon.

“When the dragon is the quicker solution, I have serious doubts about the original problem,” Will muttered.

He hesitated at the edge of the woods, peering into absolute blackness.

Owls hooted, and something far away hissed like a chorus of snakes. Leo remembered what Will Solace had told him: No one should go in the woods alone, definitely not unarmed. Leo had nothing—no sword, no flashlight, no help. He glanced back at the lights of the cabins. He could turn around now and tell everyone he’d been joking.

“I find it hard to believe even you’d get away with that joke Leo,” Jason told him simply.

It was an instilling kind of confidence, what he really meant. Leo knew he was saying, ‘yeah, like you’re going to back out? Please!’ Jason was a big time hero who was out there killing wind monsters with no clue what he was doing and still clearly had extra confidence to dish out to him?

Psych! Nyssa could go on the quest instead. He could stay at camp and learn to be part of the Hephaestus cabin, but he wondered how long it would be before he looked like his bunkmates—sad, dejected, convinced of his own bad luck.

‘Not long,’ Leo answered his own question. He wouldn't run from this place, he felt the anchor here like he hadn’t since he was in his moms machine shop, and it had nothing specifically to do with his siblings, the cabins, the monster classes and flamethrowers.

It was all of it. It was this place that made him feel like he’d finally found a safe harbor. That only meant he’d finally be forced to face what this book was doing to him now, to look back and make him really feel what had led him here. If he sat around in those forges and one project went wrong, he’d be on the same spiral as the rest of cabin nine, questioning his worth with nowhere else to cast ashore. He wouldn’t let that happen to Festus.

They cannot stop me from breaking your spirit, the sleeping woman had said. Remember this night, little hero, when they ask you to oppose me. “Believe me, lady,” Leo muttered, “I remember. And whoever you are, I’m gonna face-plant you hard, Leo-style.” He took a deep breath and plunged into the forest.

Leo heard some of them laughing at the pun harder than others, and felt a sense of excitement wash over him, stronger than even if Percy had done it himself. It was investing in the rest of these bozo’s lives, in his own, in this future. Reading this had charged him with the jittery kind of excitement that permeated setting himself on fire.

And he had been, and nothing bad had happened!

#hoo #pjo #Percy Jackson #Jason Grace #Thalia Grace #annabeth chase #percabeth #nico di angelo #will solace #solangelo #leo valdez #hazel levesque

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argoii-official · 1 year ago

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Yall eating enough on that ship? When was the last time any of you ate a vegetable 🥗🥕🥬?

to start, they probably aren’t eating well/regularly due to stress, HA- disclaimer, this is a long post. like, LONG.

FROM HIGHEST PRODUCE INTAKE TO LEAST

PIPER

vegetarian, so…

probably has the highest veggie intake, but doesn’t rlly know how to manage vitamin stuff?? like she hasn’t done a lot of research on veggies w/ protein and whatnot

NICO

purely because 1) he isn’t eating much of anything and 2) can’t stomach anything other than toast and fruits.

FRANK

very much so is craving tastes of home (still missing his grandmother) and is therefore eating lots of chinese dishes

lots of veggies in chinese dishes!!

JASON

would be tied with frank if he was eating regularly HA

probably has a basic ass diet

acc yk what he has an athlete’s diet bc he prob spends a lot of time working out

so more meats and whatnot

HAZEL

stew girlie!!

mentions she likes gumbo and probably follows that pattern

PERCY

without annabeth and sally to keep him on track he’s probably regressed to easy foods

or junk foods prob

whatevers tasty and comforting!!

chasing the high w/ blue food and cheeseburgers…

LEO

literally eating NOTHING right now!!

subsisting on chips and soda…….

piper and jason are literally the only reason he’s eating natural food HA

learnt the hard way that caffeine doesn’t work on adhd brains

#pjo #argoii-official #the seven #hoo series #heroes of olympus #heros of olympus #ask #text post #headcanon #mod erratum appears!#percy jackson #leo valdez #nico di angelo #jason grace #hazel levesque #frank zhang #piper mclean #long post

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distantdreamboy · 2 months ago

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women's royal rumble thoughts as I watch

(rather than a separate post for each thoughts, I smoked so these should be funny)

good on liv for knocking lyra away so she could fix her wardrobe malfunction

they're keeping a steady pace right now so I feel like it'll get crazy

C'mon B-Fab! Cause EYE...BEE FAB!! Didn't know she was colombian, colombia stand tf up.

Ivy nile is so good and has a great look but i'm not gagging over her just yet. excited for her to get over with the crowds

"the sniper" is a perfect nickname for zoey stark, she should lean into the combat thing with pfc for sure, trademark that dropkick

LASH MF LEGENDDDDD MY GIRLLL

b-fab cracking me up talmbout "you think you big im big too baby"

bianca is great, very much the black john cena. I don't always gag but I expect wins so I respect her--ok the backflip gagged me

and so did the second one

damn and the fourth

so now everybody doing kip-ups? they stealing naomi's nachos

I want so much more for shayna baszler, love her down

liv morgan got kneed tf in her face TWICE lol

GREAT recovery by Zoey idc

ivy doing lyra's hand pose was JOKES

bayley finally got her look together but she needa cut that theme intro and flesh out her character a bit more ------------

Idk, i'm not gagging at the entrants so far

glad the bayley iyo staredown got a pop

sonya looks great and the theme hits

why is zoey not matching her teammates, solo era?

maxxine doesnt move me but she ate that lil entrance pose or whatever

her gears are FAB though, especially this one

NAOMIIII YOU HEARD THAT POP FOR MY MOTHER???

AND THAT GEAR IS FAB FUCK WHATCHU HEARD

bianca calling "pam" to get bayley to her spot was cute

WAIT WHO TOOK OUT JADE?

naomi the bangssss girl cmon now

JAIDA PARKER??? Lets go! Good for her, needs a better theme but she looks great

damn I could tell they expected a bigger pop for her...no "nxt" chants smh

that spot with the brown girls and chelsea was HILARIOUS

I love me some chelsea green, cant lie

piper niven is the goattttt -------------

natalya looks SO GOOD, I had to put my food and and clap. she's a legend but I wouldn't mind seeing her have a top girl moment

I wasn't feeling jordynne grace but this new hairstyle changed my mind ngl. everyone tries to lift the big girls but jordynne actually did it clean

naomi needed to give it more time before her staredown with jordynne

NAHHH ALEXA BLISS GAGGED ME!!! I WAS QUIET FOR ODEE LONG!! AND SHES SPOOKY I WONNN

Oh zelinas look is gaggyyyy...shes so fine. watched her in tna and as a true capricorn she got finer with time

avalance code red gagged me bad

love candice lerae's theme. she deserves to be over but that pixie shit is lowkey tired

TRISH STRATUS????? MOTHERR!!!!??? CRYING (should had some cute boots to complete the fab gear

charlotte looks GOOD my goodness!! she's the company's safe choice but she's so incredibly talented and I enjoy her cant lie

lmaoo? she saw piper and said 'oh you want some bitch?' ---------

giulua's great but I dont gag for her idk

NIKKI BELLAAAAA and she got her inchesssss

why am I hearing them call out spots :/

nia eliminating all them people at once was a copout.

charlotte flair is aunt but :/ so many women were working for a moment all year. I guess favor aint fair so shout out to her!

#wwe #royal rumble #bianca belair #liv morgan #alexa bliss #womens royal rumble #naomi #trinity fatu #nia jax #wrestlemania #charlotte flair #nikki bella

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blushjulie · 3 months ago

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day 9 — shiftmas

day 9 of shiftmas - snowflakes

dr: heroes of olympus

—I figured there would be a lot of headcannons for hoo characters. None of these headcannons are mine.

percy jackson

adult percy doesn't drink alcohol, especially beer, because of Gabe.

percy’s mother, sally, is part nereid blood

paul (percy’s stepfather) teaches all of percy’s friends who don’t go to school

percy binge watched avatar way of water and tries to waterbend like them

percy takes estelle (his younger half-sister) to atlantis to see tyson

percy is demisexual and demiromantic

percy can cause earthquakes

percy, thalia and nico meet up every week for “family nights”

percy and clarisse are secretly best friends

percy tries to learn “big” words to impress annabeth

annabeth chase

annabeth becomes an architect and one of her monuments she builds becomes one of the wonders of the world

annabeth is an awful cook, but an amazing baker

after percy and annabeth get married, annabeth builds the house with the help of leo, who adds extra features

annabeth eventually apologizes to hera

during the seven months percy was gone, annabeth went to sally’s house to have lunch

annabeth loves the office

malcolm pace (head of athena cabin) comforted annabeth while percy was gone

leo valdez

leo is still friends with gangsters and has a lot of connections in the criminal underground from being in a lot of tough homes

leo names his daughter in the future, “Esperanza” after his mother

leo listens and sings to abba

after hearing about rachel throwing a hairbrush at kronos, leo makes a spiked hairbrush weapon

leo braids piper’s hair all the time

when leo has fevers, his temperature is super hot and freaks out all the other demigods

leo wears a lot of rings

kids love leo

leo is very specific with his stuff, although others think he has thrown his stuff in random piles

jason grace

jason (and reyna) are hardcore swifties

jason is a pro at braiding hair and doing makeup

jason loves country music

jason was a kid who loved doing stupid things (proved when thalia mentioned he ate a stapler) so he stuck a fork in an electrical outlet but since it never hurt him, he thought the shock was fun

jason is shy about physical affection / touch

jason always holds door open, pulls out chairs, etc for people

jason with listen / learn an artist’s full discography if his friends / s/o recommend it or like it

jason’s handwriting is neat and thick, like; jason grace

jason really, really likes dogs and would rather have a dog in the future rather than have a kid

jason’s favorite color is blue

piper mclean

annabeth was piper’s bisexual awakening

piper’s beauty is very distinct and you can recognize her by a few of her facial features

piper loves indie rock and alternative

piper and drew surprisingly grow close and become co-counselors of aphrodite cabin

as an inside joke, piper leaves the reciept in gifts for her father to show she didn’t steal it

piper wears ripped jeans and jason’s jackets / t-shirts

piper and leo have matching t-shirts

piper took leo’s “death” the hardest out of the seven

piper can beat anyone in video games

piper loves to stargaze

piper is very physically affectionate; holding hands, hugging, kisses on cheeks

piper thinks she has the best music taste and judges others’ music taste

piper collects vinyls

piper has a weird fascination with poetry

when texting, piper overuses emojis

hazel levesque

hazel can get practically whatever she wants from nico by just asking

hazel knows how to sew

hazel loves stuffed animals and plushies

hazel has a set of sparkly gel pens she loves to use

at camp half-blood, the aphrodite cabin accept hazel

hazel welcomes artemis’ hunters at camp jupiter with open arms

hazel is a “mom friend”

hazel has a very versatile wardrobe; she alters from goth to cottagecore to pastel, etc

hazel is a short queen

hazel is obsessed with adventure time

hazel plays gta with nico

hazel dyes her hair

hazel loves sweets

hazel is omnisexual

frank zhang

frank is really good at dance dance revolution

frank is a hufflepuff

frank is wary of firecrackers and fireworks

frank knows how to write in traditional chinese but not simplified

frank was born in the year of the rooster

frank and hazel make decorations for lunar new year together

frank isn’t a morning or night person

frank doesn’t like horror movies

frank tries out for the archery team in the olympics

this took 40+ minutes, help me 😭

thank you for reading !!

—happy holidays

#shiftmas #reality shifting #shifting #shifting blog #shifting community #shifting diary #shifting motivation #shiftblr #shifting antis dni #shiftmas2024 #realityshifting #reality shifting community #pjo shifting #hoo shifting

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queen-of-writing-bad-things · 5 days ago

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Henry Danger The Movie Reader Insert | Chapter 9. What Is A Schwoz?

pairing: Ray Manchester/f!reader + Platonic!Henry Hart/f!reader

summary: Henry scrambles to work out a way to get him and (y/n) home. He has an idea, but Jasper, Piper, and even Missy have no idea what he's talking about. Tell them: what is a Schwoz?

rating: F - no warnings really. odd sprinkling of adult language and alcohol consumption. that's it.

word count: 3.8k

a/n: SCHWOZIEEEEEEE. i love him.

Thank you for reading! I (respectfully) yearn for likes, comments, and reblogs. Click for vibes

Last Chapter - Next Chapter - Series Masterlist - Masterlist

As Jasper soared overhead, dipping, spinning, and zooming with his cape flapping in the multicoloured lights, Henry had no choice but to go wherever Piper and Frankini took him.

Missy and (y/n) followed closely behind, trying not to giggle at how the hero dragged his heels, hoping friction would work in his favour, but they were freakishly strong. With the drama queen on one arm and his sister on another, Henry chuckled awkwardly, not liking how they dragged him into a quieter but no less nauseating part of the club.

"Tables!" Frankini yelled, gesturing with his usual flare and grandeur. Like something out of the kid's worst nightmare, Shimmers employees appeared out of thin air, carrying whatever their boss commanded, and of course, Captain 'Stache had free reign of the skies.

"Look out!" Jasper said as he dodged anyone on the dancefloor, narrowly missing a man in a very glittery shirt.

It was beyond weird to see him like that – unafraid and unashamed to have all eyes on him. (y/n) barely recognised him, and not just because he was practically a passing blur in a seventies cowboy cosplay.

He was Jasper, sure, but he wasn't her Curly – was too brash and corny for that, so she and the kids had to remember. This wasn't reality. This wasn't home. Someone really needed to remind Henry of that.

"You know what? I'm, uh, I got a thing!" He said nervously, eyeing the door over his shoulder, not that Frankini heard.

"Tacos!" He shouted, and the waiters brought just what Piper had ordered—a tiered arrangement of crispy corn shells filled with the most delicious ingredients, hand-delivered by two girls on rollerblades.

Everyone gasped, mouths watering as the tacos rolled closer, with the girls realising it had been a hot minute since they last ate. Henry was equally ravenous, secretly wanting to lick his lips and groan at the sight became damn, they look goooood. Maybe some bits of the fanfic world weren't too bad, but he had to remain focused and escape this shimmery loony bin.

"Those look good, but I just—"

"And..." If only Frankini would let him get a word in. "A slow jam!"

The DJ flipped the record, and the upbeat disco number switched to a soft, slow-dancing number – the type that had all the couples rushing to the floor. Frankini loved it, throwing his hands in the air like he didn't care, leaving the young ones and their pink-wearing friend to their private booth, although the long, blond beanpole needed to lighten up.

"Little guy always feels better after he eats..." cooed Piper, tickling her brother under his chin, annoying him in a way that only a little sister could.

She knew him better than most and wasn't wrong, drawing a smile from (y/n/n) when they both recognised the signs that he was hangry. Prodding his cheeks and nose, squeezing his weedy yet muscular arm, the girl giggled, finding his foul mood amusing.

"Why are you talking to me like I'm a baby?" The boy asked indignantly, shirking her off with a sour frown. "I'm not a baby, okay? I'm a grown-up!"

"You like it when (y/n) calls you her baby," said Piper as she pouted at how he ruined her fun. She gave her brother that dry, all-knowing stare – the one that called bullshit – but Henry just scoffed, avoiding all eye contact, especially from the woman standing just out of his peripheral vision with her hands on her hips and a very unimpressed look.

"That's different..."

"Look, Hen, if you don't want me to call you my baby anymore, all you gotta do is say it," (y/n) told him, although the thought made her heart crack a little.

The kid turned to her in alarm, eyes wide and fearful at her impassive face. It wasn't cool or mature; it was embarrassing to know she'd always bake him cookies and wash his dirty laundry – let him crash at her house and cry into her shoulder if he needed it. He'd never go to his real mom for that. Doubted she'd even care now she had the house all to herself.

But (y/n/n)? To be no one to her? To be on the outside looking into her nest as the others preened under her Hell no. He was her baby. The first. The best. Even if he didn't want to say it.

"No!" He replied a little too quickly for it to be considered casual before he composed himself. "No, (y/n/n), don't do that. It's just..."

"It's just...?" The heroine raised an eyebrow, not liking his vibe. She couldn't quite describe it, but how he flipped on Piper and flopped to pander to her didn't sit right. Her tummy tingled – and not in a good way.

"I've got grown-up problems, and eating this taco isn't going to make me feel better!" It sounded like a diversion, eyeing the taco tower instead of meeting her questioning gaze.

"Oh, yeah?" (y/n) folded her arms as his childishness reminded her of when her actual baby started whining – not a good look for a grown-up, as he liked to call himself. She took a taco from the platter and placed it in his hand, unbothered when a few lettuce strings tumbled onto the floor.

"Well, how about you have one, take a chill pill at the same time, and then see how you feel?"

Henry blinked, still grouchy yet stunned upon hearing her sharp tone. He stared at the snack in his palm, hating to be a hypocrite and eat it, but the heroine was scary when she was stern. And he didn't want to know what she'd do if he disobeyed. "...I could do that."

"Good. And take that chip off your shoulder," she answered with a slight nod, satisfied when he nibbled at the crispy shell. "No one likes a whiner, Henry."

As Frankini placed a drink in her hand – and God, she needed it, Piper and Missy slid in beside the older woman, hiding their smirks since they didn't get the scolding. Henry was left to demolish the tacos, leaving nothing but crumbs and the icky, vegetabley bits as he ate silently.

The others chatted and laughed, entertained by the slow jam and the club owner's antics until the hero finally felt better. After fifteen minutes, with a full tummy and a chance to calm down, he looked up at them, sighing contently and wiping the sour cream from the corner of his mouth with a napkin.

Apparently, the girls knew him too well. "Oh, my God... I feel so much better."

"Make room for Captain 'Stache." However, a guy could change his mind.

Henry watched as Jasper, tired of his zoomies, floated down to their table. He, his stupid cape, and his even stupider moustache perched on the plush sofa, taking the space beside (y/n/n), so she had a boy on either side. The hero quickly relaxed into the soft, shiny leather and smirked at his friends at the table, spreading his arms across the back whilst his sidekick had never felt more uncomfortable.

God, he hated being the little guy again.

"Oh, my God... I feel so much worse."

"Be nice!" (y/n) told him sharply, throwing an elbow into the boy's ribs before his words could reach Captain 'Stache. Even if this weren't exactly her Curly, she'd hate to see him sad, but his mood soured more when Henry clocked the sweet smiles they exchanged.

He glanced at Missy, eyes cold and humourless despite how snarky his voice sounded. "Out of all your universes, that thing had to send us here?"

"What—what does he mean your universes?" Piper asked, frowning at the young girl before she could answer.

The air turned awkward quickly, leaving the trio staring at the R.A.D and wondering how to explain themselves. How could they tell them they weren't real?

"What's that doohickey on the table?" Jasper asked, as confused as Piper was when he saw the device behind Missy. He had no idea that his mullet-moustache combo was all a lie – a drawing on a scrap of paper or a line in a book – and she turned to her friends on the couch for help.

"You wanna tell him?" Henry smirked, leaving the floor open for the girl to confess what she'd done.

"Okay." It seemed Missy had no choice.

She quickly got up from her seat and stood beside the R.A.D, presenting it to Piper and Jasper as they watched curiously. "So... I kinda wrote these stories where Henry, (y/n), and I fight crime together..."

That was putting it mildly – the tip of the iceberg as they sat back and listened to the whole mess. So much had happened in so little time, and she recounted it all, leaving Henry pacing around, biting his lip to deal with the tension because it was insane to listen to – literally like something out of a movie.

The R.A.D, the portals, waking up in Newtown, meeting each other, encountering (y/n), fighting Coach Cregg and VamPiper, nearly getting pulverised, ending up in Shimmers... It felt like forever had passed since the kid was minding his own business in Dystopia.

"...And now, we're stuck in my fanfiction," she said, finishing the story to bewildered faces.

"I really wanna get back to Dystopia, and (y/n) needs to get home to Ray and the baby," added Henry, and the heroine nodded solemnly, heart aching and longing for home again.

Yet, as strange as it sounded, Piper and Captain 'Stache took it remarkably well, looking only mildly disturbed as they stared at the R.A.D – the thing that apparently caused all the trouble.

"So...we're just figments of—of this girl's imagination?" Asked Piper as she tried not to hyperventilate. She looked at her brother – or who she thought was her brother – with a sheen of terror in her eyes as if she was on the verge of tears, questioning everything she once took as true. "Am I the only one having an existential crisis right now?"

"No, you exist... Just not like this," replied (y/n), moving to the table and comforting the girl as best she could with a kind smile and gentle hand on her shoulder. Although, she wasn't sure if it helped at all. "The real world is...different."

"So, you're saying there's another reality where I don't have a moustache?" Jasper frowned, standing beside them with a hairy face of utter dread, not liking the sound of their world.

Henry couldn't stop the little laugh that escaped him, seeing the real Jasper under all that bravado. Of course, that was the bit that concerned him, not that his persona didn't exist at all.

"Anyway," he said, ignoring the strange question and looking at Missy instead, "while you were talking, I got an idea. We're in Swellview, right?"

"I mean...kind of."

"Indeed." Piper and Jasper nodded as they eyed him curiously.

"So, there's gotta be a Schwoz here," he said, and suddenly, (y/n) looked at him like he was the smartest kid in the world. Her eyes lit up in realisation, knowing what he was driving at as she pictured that fuzzy, little weirdo, the one she last saw leaving Swellview to live with his princess girlfriend.

"Yes! Schwoz can fix anything! So, all we gotta do is find Schwoz; he can fix the R.A.D, we can all get back to our realities, and Missy can write whatever stories she wants," the heroine answered excitedly as the girl glanced away disappointedly.

As much as she'd screwed up, Missy liked hanging out with her new friends—she could literally call Kid Danger and Miss Danger her besties at this point, but they wanted out. That was fine. That was great. She'd help them get home, no matter how crushing it felt...only they used a funny word.

"What is a Schwoz?" Piper asked. The word fell from her lips, leaving her mouth feeling full of cotton wool.

"He's a science genius who lives in the Man Cave," Henry replied like it was obvious, but he just received blank stares.

Jasper was especially bemused, quirking an eyebrow and flicking a luscious lock over his shoulder. "You mean, the 'Stache House?"

" now?" (y/n)'s eyebrows flew to her hairline as her jaw dropped. She could deal with the mullet. She could deal with the lip sweater. But Jasper? Living in her old house? That was weird, and her tummy twisted nervously. In that case...where did her doofus live?

"Whatever! Focus, (y/n/n)!" Henry just moved on. He didn't even want to know. "Point is, he can fix anything, okay? So...where is he?"

He looked at his friends, waiting for someone to say something. The Man Cave couldn't survive without Schwoz and his techno-wizardry, but Jasper and Piper glanced at each other over Missy's head, shrugging and looking utterly confused.

"I—I've never heard of a Schwoz," said the older girl as if the genius was some kind of exotic animal. Jasper shook his head, too, and Henry heaved a heavy sigh, losing his bright idea as quickly as he created it.

"Yeah, I never found out about anyone named Schwoz. Cute name and all, but I never put him into any of my stories," Missy told him, watching as her idol swiped a hand over his face and pinched his tired eyes. They couldn't catch a break.

"Okay, now I'm having an existential crisis."

"Frankini-tini?" Piper offered, pushing the glass towards her brother, who didn't care what was in it. He just needed that bright blue concoction and whatever liquor it contained. His lips wrapped around the squiggly straw, taking a long, large gulp until the drink burned his throat and warmed his belly when Missy looked up.

She stroked her chin thoughtfully, pondering with a wrinkled nose as the boy frowned darkly. "Okay, hang on, though. I didn't write about every single person at this party, but there's tons of people here, right?"

They couldn't argue with that, watching as the girl wandered away from the private lounge to the doorway. She looked across the dancefloor, seeing some people she recognised, but most of them were strangers—randomers. Very well-dressed randomers, but it made her think.

"Yeah."

"Well, I'll bet the R.A.D changes whatever I changed in my stories and then fills in the rest of the blanks with reality."

"Wait, so that means there's gotta be a Schwoz somewhere in this universe," (y/n) said, and a glimmer of hope awakened in her heart. There were a lot of possibilities, and she didn't dare believe it—didn't even want to find out, but if that were true...her husband was out there, too. Somewhere.

"Might be..."

That was all Henry needed to hear. Knowing what he had to do, he turned around, leaving his friends looking puzzled, and bellowed across the bustling club with the hope that a certain fuzzy weirdo was nearby.

"SCHWOZ!" He yelled, earning a few strange glances. It worked in their world, so he didn't see why this altered reality would be different, even though it could've been a little louder.

The hero stared at Jasper and the girls, silently begging for help since his mouth shockingly wasn't loud enough. As confused as they were, most not knowing who or what to expect, they joined in. "SCHWOZ!"

And Henry's hunch paid off. "...Yo!"

"Did you hear that?" (y/n) asked excitedly – a quiet reply, muffled by the whooping and boogieing in the club, but it was there.

"Yeah! It came from over there," answered Henry, who grabbed her wrist and pulled his giddy friend back into the fray.

They weaved through the crowd, bumping into disco cowgirls and shirtless waiters, but with so many partygoers, it was impossible to see their favourite genius. It didn't help that he was on the short side. "Schwoz!"

"Yo!"

"There it is again!" The heroine gasped, recognising the small man's voice anywhere, even if it sounded a little...off. They looked every which way, working out which direction the sound came from, when she pointed to a back room with a big private sign splashed across the door. "Through there!"

The pair marched over, ignoring whoever told them it was staff only, and they swiftly found themselves in a starkly different place. Frankini didn't bother to glitzify the kitchens – why would he? It was dark, sterile, and so grey that the boss was hardly ever caught in there. The waiters and workers dashed about, serving hot, freshly microwaved nibbles and overpriced burgers to the masses, but Henry didn't care.

He and (y/n) snuck past the head chef, smiling when they saw their old friend in the corner – as bald and bizarre as he always was. Even if he looked a little different, dressed in a filthy apron and rubber gloves, with a paisley bandana tied tightly around his noggin, it was still their Schwoz, working hard with suds up to his elbows.

"Schwoz!" The kid couldn't help himself, running up to the head dishwasher and nearly sending him and the plate in his hand flying.

Schwoz lurched and growled, looking rougher than usual as he saved himself from trouble and caught the soapy dish before it smashed. He glared up at whoever assaulted him, seeing no one important – just some scrawny kid and a walking blob of cotton candy.

"Woah, woah, woah, woah! Get off of me!" He hissed, his voice coming out all harsh and hard like he'd grown up on the streets of Manhattan and not Swellview. "How do you know my name?"

(y/n) smiled, having expected a little confusion, but God, it was good to see her old friend again. Even if they weren't friends at all. "'Cause in another universe, you're one of our best friends! Sweet cheese, I can't believe we found you!"

"All right—look, lady! Get off of me!" Schwoz said rudely, shoving (y/n) away when she only wanted to give him one of her snuggly hugs. The real Schwoz would never do that. "I don't know who you or your beanpole friend here are, but in this universe, I'm a plate-scraper, so...get outta here!"

"Listen, we need your help," said Henry, nervously glancing around for eavesdroppers or anything else that might go wrong.

His skin itched to get back home, hanging around the genius like a bad smell as he tried to get on with his work. It was nearly impossible with a kid breathing down his neck, leaving Schwoz checking both ways to ensure his boss didn't catch him idling on the job.

"If I keep talking to you two, I'm gonna get fired, and my probation officer's gonna throw me back in jail!"

"You went to jail?" (y/n) asked as she and Henry exchanged a baffled glance. They never saw the lil' fella as a jailbird type, too soft and friendly to survive the hostile environment, but this Schwoz could handle it.

In a world with Captain Man, a lot could go wrong. "Yeah. I stole a little plutonium. That stupid moustache guy and his sidekick caught me."

Awkward. Henry stared off to the side, clearing his throat and crossing his arms as if he wasn't with the moustache guy. Although his moustache was stupid. "Uh...oh, yeah. Those—those guys are turds."

"Definitely, what a pair of losers, right?" (y/n) chuckled dryly before edging closer to the little man, leaning down so only the three could hear her. "Look, what's a plate-scraper like you stealing plutonium for? You're better than that."

Schwoz snapped his beady eyes at her, glaring with such malice that the heroes flinched away when he brought his gritted sneer closer. "'Cause, sweet-cheeks, plate-scraper ain't all I can do in this world, a'ight?"

"Okay..." They gulped, backing up as the feisty genius backed them into a corner, stalking them like a lion did with its prey.

Schwoz didn't even realise he was doing it, practically snarling at them and their judgement, never knowing why he did what he did. Sometimes, he had no choice, winding up as hard as nails and morally ambiguous.

"Maybe I'm not so stupid like my teachers thought, okay? Maybe I can build a more fuel-efficient nuclear reactor in my cousin's basement than your fancy Ivy League scientists!"

Terrifying as his rant was, the woman didn't back down, taking a deep breath as she clung to the arm Henry slung in front of her. Neither of them thought the weirdo would attack them, but the kid pushed her behind him just to be safe.

(y/n) peeked over his shoulder, standing on her tippy toes as Schwoz panted raggedly, his face reddened by rage but also...sadness. This was the Schwoz who never found his place as a superhero's handyman – the one who never found his family.

"Even in one of Missy's fanfics, you're still one of the smartest people ever, Schwoz," she told him, and her smile melted his icy exterior, if only for a moment. "You taught me pretty much everything I know."

"...Your Schwozdang right, I am!" He replied, pointing sternly at them, although he didn't understand why anyone would be so nice to him. He didn't know the weird girl and her skinny, well-dressed friend – barely understood the mumbo-jumbo they talked about – but they seemed strangely familiar – like déjà vu.

A shout came from the club's main room, and the plate-scraper cursed himself for forgetting that Frankini had eyes and ears everywhere. "Uh, language!"

"Sorry, Frankini!" Wincing at the light scolding, the small man returned to his dishwashing station with Henry on his heels. Did the guy ever give up?

"Listen, um...we, uh..." stammered Henry, teetering on the edge of catching their coconut or spooking him forever. They just needed to intrigue him, and he only knew one way.

"We need you to take a look at a device.

The water gurgled down the drain, slowly disappearing with chunks of uneaten spaghetti and sauce as the genius froze, suddenly all ears. He didn't look at them—didn't want the strangers to know he was interested, but (y/n) knew the boy had hit the target. She saw how his little shoulders trembled with unbridled excitement, how her old friend's fingers squeezed as if they ached to hold something sciencey again.

"What kind of device?" They had him – hook, line and sinker.

Next Chapter

| TAGLIST |

@monsteryoungin

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a-royal-mistake · 1 year ago

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Hey guys, so I just finished writing part of a Pipabeth fanfic. If you want to read it, go to Wattpad and look up Pipabeth, Pipabeth, and more Pipabeth, or just #pipabeth.

Anywho, here's a preview. Hope you enjoy.

Chapter One: PIPER

I didn't understand what Annabeth's problem was. She'd become withdrawn and solitary ever since she and Percy broke up. Well, more like she broke up with him after she found one of Rachel's bras in his cabin.

He tried to explain that it wasn't what it looked like, but she was past caring. She ended things, stormed out, and brooded in her cabin for about three days. She ate her lunch behind the Big House, and it really irked her whenever someone got within two yards.

One thing she and Percy had in common was that when either was in a bad mood, they would storm off to the sword arena to practice slashing at a practice dummy.

Annabeth had been at the arena quite a lot these days, and everyone made sure to stay at least four feet away if they wanted to tell her something.

Rumors went around that she was skipping meals and focusing on training. That worried me. I had a vague idea of what going without food for more than three days could do to your body, especially to girls.

I was sitting at my desk, finishing a report on the Greek hero Achilles, when my annoying half-sister, Drew, looked over my shoulder.

"Since when is Achilles spelled Annabeth?" she asked.

"What?" I looked at my paper. I'd written Annabeth instead of Achilles in the last sentence. I hastened to correct it.

"Well, someone's in love."

"What are you talking about?"

"You know what I mean, Piper."

"Bullshit. I just care a lot about the daughter of Athena. It's like a sisterly affection thing."

"Don't lie to me."

"Who do you think you are, Aphrodite?"

A dazzling pink shimmer and the goddess of love appeared in all her sparkly glory.

"This better be important," she said.

"What the – I didn't summon you."

"You said my name."

"Yes, I said your name but I didn't summon you."

"So I came here for no reason?"

"Since when have you had a reason for coming?"

"Mom, Piper's in love." That was Drew. I made a mental note to kill her later.

Aphrodite raised her eyebrows. "With who?"

"No one," I said firmly.

"You can't lie to me, darling. I'm the goddess of love, after all. Now, who is she?"

"What? You know I love Jason and –"

"That relationship will never last."

"Yes it will, you wait—"

"I'm the goddess of love. I know this."

"Mom, can you just—"

"Who is she?"

"Tell her or I will," went Drew.

"I'm gonna bust your stupid ass—"

"Language," sang Aphrodite.

I refrained from slapping my own mother and said in a very controlled voice, "There is no she, Mother."

"Yes, there is. And I have a feeling you've liked her for a while."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"It's Chase. Annabeth Chase," said Drew, and started giggling like an insane clown.

"You stupid-ass bitch—"

"Language," said Aphrodite sternly.

I said nothing and glared at Drew.

"So, Annabeth Chase. The daughter of Athena, if I'm not mistaken. Blond and gray-eyed?"

"That's her," said Drew.

"Well, I had a feeling it was her."

"Why didn't you just say so then?" I snapped.

"Don't use that tone with me."

"I'll be going now," Drew said, heading toward the door.

"Bitch," I hissed softly.

"Language."

"Whatever. So now that you're under the ridiculous illusion that I'm in love with my best friend, what do you propose?"

"Ask her out."

"I can't. I don't have feelings for her."

"You do. Stop denying it."

"I don't."

"Why do you dream about her?"

"Oh my fucking gods, you watch my dreams?!"

"Of course."

"That is so messed up!"

"Back to the matter at hand, darling."

"I don't dream about her."

"Yes, you do. And some of the dreams have been very interesting." She winked and my cheeks flame.

"Just get lost, Mom."

"Not until we reach a resolution."

"I don't like Annabeth."

"Yes, you love her."

"As a friend."

"Oh, don't give me that. You know what you want."

"I want you to leave."

"Say you love Annabeth romantically and I will."

"No way!"

"Say it."

"No."

"Piper–"

"No."

"Fine. I'll make you say it. One way or another, you will admit your love for the blond daughter of Athena."

"You keep your perfect nose out of my love life."

"We'll see, darling. We'll see."

And she disappeared in a flash of pink.

#heroes of olympus #piper mclean #annabeth chase #piper and annabeth #percy jackson #pipabeth #annabeth x piper

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bright-tatters · 2 months ago

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Tatters #55

The children had escaped. That was expected, Piper couldn't stand to hurt a child. Piper's face hadn't been ripped off by one. He could apparently forgive other injuries. Was there anything so monstrous as a good man?

Piper and Fortune weren’t together anymore. They had never been together. They never could be together. Piper had weakened Fortune, had forced his efforts into stupid channels. Fortune wanted to curl up away from everything forever, but he couldn’t. He had responsibilities.

Thus far he had kept things quiet since his disfigurement. He had methodically smashed every mirror in the house, then had some replaced, foremost among them the merciless oval at his washstand. He had made a lot of visits to get people used to his face, but he hadn’t pushed any of his initiatives. Just made visits and had words.

He sent out runners. He gathered his closest: Snipes. Luc. Voudon. Habbamock. The second tier, a dozen men and women of particular skills. Some of the third group, hungry people who wanted his favor and would do a lot to get it. Fortune needed to reshape his world, force it out of that law-abiding schmaltz he had nearly drowned it in.

Anger. He observed it, thinking. Indulging it was a risk. But Tatters was first united by his risks. Anger. He let himself feel it. He let himself feel it, and he waited.

They gathered in the ballroom of Fortune’s estate, his loyalists, his true friends.

“Everyone,” he said, “breaking legs is back on the menu.”

Silence.

The instructions he gave were obfuscated and involved repeated demands to avoid bloodshed and respect the Council. His supporters knew what to do.

Which brought them to a night, a night like any other. Fortune had brought several residents of Quarts to sit with him around the rarely used dining room. The room was three stories high, slashed by vertical windows and a progression of banners from maroon through brightness to a rich orange.

The end Fortune sat near was the redder one.

But he sat with Mr. and Mrs. Fulton, and the Misses Dynam, and Roger Barnes, who was well known for his integrity. Voudon, that versatile man, served dish after dish, not of sophisticated delicacies, but staples, mashed potatoes and beef stew and salad with enough creamy dressing to qualify as a crustless pie. Fortune’s guests ate according to their nerves.

Nobody commented on the fresh pink wound running down the right side of Fortune’s face. The drooping lower eyelid, the periodic tear trickling to his jaw and falling onto his inoffensive pale blue ascot.

Tonight was a night for rage, for fury, for revenge. Tonight was the night to tell the Council that, freedom of policy notwithstanding, they were not untouchable. He wished he could be out there with his revolver. And, maybe, a vial of Gleaze for each.

“How was the fire on Dover Street?” he said to Roger.

“Ten years ago it would’ve been a total loss,” Roger said bluntly. “The fire escapes did their job, and more than that, the fire didn’t spread.”

“Good. I am always looking for more measures to increase the safety of Quarts. I understand that Vines is considered more favored, but Tatters is Tatters. I hope you all understand that.”

Mia Dynam, whose brother was Fortune’s chauffeur, shifted. “We do,” she said neutrally. She didn’t trust him. He blackmailed her brother a little bit. Some arrangements of trust just didn’t make it past Fortune’s defenses. He never intended to harm Barney Dynam. And Barney Dynam, so far as Fortune knew, never intended to harm Fortune.

Or had he sold Fortune out? Had he known about Fortune’s little love nest, that beautiful, stupid idea? Or one of the decorators? Someone had talked. Someone had brought those children to Fortune’s doorstep and set them loose.

Someone was going to die. Whether it was the perpetrators, or the planners, or the financiers, or the concept review board, whatever level it might be, they would pay.

Beyond the far end of the table, where the guests weren’t looking, two lights appeared in the window. They described a slow circle and vanished.

Two meant Lamps. Home to the King himself, but a Councilor handed most of the city business. Lady Sperance. She had killed her husband to get his job; it seemed only fitting that she had died trying a second coup.

Fortune drew Mia out on the topic of her class at school, which had just moved to a larger building. He had tried harder this year to arrange for children in the workhouses to go to school a couple of days per week. The mill managers had been furious; training up new children and only getting them three days per week was, they argued, not profitable.

But they managed to find profit when Fortune looked more closely. They always did.

Fortune listened to Mia’s considered opinions and, after some back and forth, constructive feedback. She really was a firecracker, and Fortune felt better about the school system knowing that she was there, fighting anyone and anything to secure better things for her students. It was a shame she didn’t trust his contributions.

Three lights. River Up. Deiona Ravish. She had a long and vicious memory, and Fortune had admired that, sensing in her a kindred spirit. But she had allowed the Gleaze attack. Fortune had to establish that that was unacceptable.

Almost immediately, four lights, blinking slowly. University. Mière Lu, the old sinner, was still intact. Fortune wished he had sent more than two people to finish that job. Security on him would quadruple after this. Old, reasonable Councilor Lu, the only empath ever to stop being an empath…if that was true. Fortune never could get anything on him.

He began to draw out Mr. and Mrs. Fulton, who were landlords for one of the workhouses. This was a difficult conversation. No matter what Fortune did, these manufactories by the river seemed to shade toward the dirty and dangerous. Changing the penalty for lost fingers among the workers to damage in kind had helped, a little. Fortune didn’t attack them. He merely talked about solutions to problems. Mia and Roger both broke in from time to time, The exchange was productive.

Seven blinking. Damn. Underglow. Catalina was untouchable. Had Piper been there, helping with security? Would Piper fire on one of Fortune’s?

He already knew the answer to that, and knew that it would’ve been different if he’d answered Piper’s last letter.

Ingrace was, of course, already taken care of. That left Forges, Docks, and Central. Oh, how Fortune wanted to behead this city. Every tear that ran down his wound hurt.

Mia Dynam’s sister, Dana, abruptly began a screed about the difference between Vines and the poverty in the heart of Quarts. She didn’t seem to be aware of the term “poison estate” with the risks Fortune had taken to move there and cultivate a home. He took her rage with patience and tried to elicit ideas about equalizing income. Among citizens, not him. He was Tatterdemalion, and Tatterdemalion needed resources. One, blinking. Edna Tupps of Docks was still alive.

Five solid. Elliot Fest of Forges was dead. Six, blinking. Maynard Crow of Central had survived.

Fortune stayed with his alibi. The telegraph station adjacent to his house had lost power earlier in the day. He had received no telegrams, issued no commands; he had discussed the improvement of the Ward with respected citizens. They stayed up late, until they ran out of exquisitely presented dishes, until even Dani started cooling on her preferred cause. Fortune dismissed his guests and saw them to the door. Luc and Ginger were waiting in automobiles to drive the guests home, and why would Fortune make a move out of Ward without two of his most favored agents? They were safe, here, doing benevolent nothings. Just like their employer.

Fortune had undoubtedly lost people. Every failed hit might mean six or seven agents had been killed. Every successful hit might cost two or three. He had done this to punish the city, and he knew it would have a cost. He doubted, for a moment, until another tear slid from his eye down the prickling pain of his wound to his damp jaw.

He walked around the building to the telegraph shed and stooped to re-connect the power feed. No one was stationed inside: yet another piece of evidence that he couldn’t have stayed in touch.

He slid into the operator’s chair and signaled that the booth was active. Queued up messages would tap through as the Central or the Lamps border operator sent along the messages of the day and evening.

Catalina Reinaldo was, Fortune noted, hilarious when she was scared and angry. She fulminated. She issued threats. She sent a full essay, two hundred letters at a time, on how she would have him on trial for multiple counts of murder. Each followup gave Fortune a little glow that served to counteract the pain of his Gleaze-smeared wound.

Minerva Dashden sent only, THIS WILL NOT STAND. Fortune wondered whether she would send Piper after him. That…was not an eventuality he was prepared to withstand. But this had to be done.

Words poured in from all Wards. Police captains, Councilor staff, Councilors themselves. Fortune responded to nothing. His only job was to stay alive, and keep his Ward intact, until the ripples cleared. Until everyone knew what it was to hurt Fortune. Based on his research on the Council, nobody wanted a full-scale war within the city’s concentric walls. Last night had been surgical: the people who stood by and watched as the guilty party maimed Fortune. Next night could be children and pets, and Fortune hoped they knew that. He didn’t relish the thought, as someone had already victimized four children to get him here, but they had to have it in their minds.

And really, if three Councilors were lying dead with broken vials of Gleaze in their throats, Fortune had no particular desire to press further. Except Catalina, who specifically tormented him. But tonight, he could let her go.

There was no word from Mière Lu. It was not until well into the next day that Fortune heard that Lu had been found sitting in his living room, drenched in blood from teeth to knees, planted between the bloody corpses of Fortune’s assassins. He had expressed mild surprise when discovered, then gone to clean up.

#this tatterdemalion #oc: fortune

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hyperfixationsatadhd · 2 years ago

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Four's a Chaos

They made it to the school's balcony that overlooked the blacktop where everyone ate lunch just as the bell rang, signaling that it was now time for lunch. Time to put their revenge plan in motion. Everyone cleared out the school and onto the blacktop, including Octavian and his little posse of stuffed panda killing weirdos. Together they started to set up their revenge plan, tying the rope around the stuffed bear, Leo pouring the newly acquired gasoline all over the bear. Piper locked the balcony's glass doors behind them.

"Can't wait to see Octavian's face as this fucker lights up." Leo said, still gleefully pouring gasoline on the bear. It was practically drowning.

" Fucking Pyromaniac." Nico said.

"Damn Death Boy." Leo shot back.

"Can you two kill it for a second?" Percy said. "I am trying to enact a revenge plan here while also mourning the loss of my poor Panda." The two continued to glare at one another.

"Yeah guys, let Water Boy mourn the loss of his inanimate stuffed Panda." Piper said.

"Shut up Beauty Queen." Percy said. "Now, let's begin. Piper, the speech?"

Piper handed Percy the folded piece of paper as Nico pushed the bear over the railing, after making sure that the rope was securely tied around the bear's neck and the railing, then stepping back. The bear hung over the heads of the people below them eating lunch, dripping gasoline on whatever poor souls had the unfortunate luck of sitting below them.

"Time to get their attention, Leo?"

"My time has finally come." whispered Leo before stepping forward and screaming, quite literally and very loudly, to get everyone's attention. It worked though as everyone's head had whipped up toward the balcony, greatly surprised and somewhat annoyed at the interruption of their lunch.

Once everyone had stopped talking and was focused on the group Percy stepped forward, unfolding the paper and starting the speech. Well it wasn't really a speech, more like just a mix of words that Piper had flung onto the paper last minute. She had totally forgotten about the speech.

"Thank you everyone. As you know I am Percy Jackson and these are my associates." Percy said gesturing to Piper, Leo, and Nico like half the school didn't already known about them from all their 'stunts' ,as most people liked to call them, from last year. "Now, you may be wondering why I have gathered you all here today. It is because there is a Panda killing murderer among you." Piper and Nico rolled their eyes, but were used to his antics. Leo rooted through his bag looking for the lighter. "Today we take revenge for that poor innocent Panda. Leo?"

Leo had found it just in time, and he stepped forward, lighter in hand. Very dramatically he lit it and slowly brought it to the bear.

"Don't you dare!" yelled a voice. Everyone then turned their attention to Octavian and his posse. "Tell your short elf on the shelf to back off Jackson!"

"Oh no. He called Leo the E word! And short!" whispered Piper to Nico.

"Shit about to go down now. Remember the last time someone called Leo elf on the shelf, let alone short?" Nico whispered back.

"How could I forget? Leo scarred that guy for life and we got a no science for a week! It was awesome to watch too." Piper said as Nico nodded his head in agreement, having been walking past the classroom at the time.

"Elf!? ELF!?! I'll show you an elf you fucking stuffed animal killing bastard!" yelled Leo before quickly bringing the flame to the gasoline soaked bear and watching it burst into flames with glee, as did the other three. He then chucked the bear at Octavian who ducked just in time to narrowly avoid being caught on fire.

"You good now Leo? Feel better?" Piper asked.

"Yeah, sorry. Might have been a bit much." Leo responded, a tiny bit of remorse on his face.

"No, don't. He was a fucking bitch. Had that coming to him." Percy said.

"Yeah he did!" yelled a voice from on the black top.

"See?"

"Jackson, Valdez, McLean, Di Angelo! Open this door right now!" yelled Coach Hedge, pounding on the balcony's glass doors. The four knew that they were in serious trouble when he didn't call them cupcakes. They had done this enough to know that.

"Alright time to go." Piper said.

"Oh no." Percy said.

"Oh no? What 'Oh no.'?" asked Piper.

"I may have forgotten our escape plan." Percy admitted sheepishly.

"You had one job Percy!" yelled Nico.

"Hah! Sounds like your little stunt is going to hell Jackson! Just like where you came from!" yelled Octavian, laughing with his lackeys.

"Oh fuck off you toga wearing bitch!" yelled back Piper before turning back to the group and saying, "He isn't wrong though. This plan has gone to fuck because of Captain fucking Aqua Man over there."

"I'm sorry!" Percy yelled. "But at least I have a good haircut!"

"How dare you! My hair is fine!"

"It's choppy, uneven, and not straight! Like you!" Percy said, as Piper gasped.

"How dare you bring my sexuality into this! And don't think I don't know about your little magazines!"

"It's a men's clothing catalogue!"

"Except their not wearing clothes Mr. I'm straight!"

"In my defense none of us are!"

"Guess it's back to detention." said Leo, as Piper and Percy continued to argue in the background.

"And it's only the second day of school." Added Nico.

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Story on Ao3

#ao3 fanfic #percy jackson #piper mclean #leo valdez #nico di angelo #highschool au

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acetheta · 1 year ago

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I'm gonna share my thoughts about Jason grace because I adore him.

Jason is autistic convince me otherwise I dare you. I think he has certain sensory issues that he was forced to mask at a young age because of lupa and child soldier shannagans. I personally (gonna project real quick) I think Jason has really bad sensory issues when it comes to food. Like sometimes he just hates the tempature other times it's the smell sometimes he doesn't really know why but he just hate a certain food. But I think the biggest thing is that he's scared of trying new foods but he grew up in an environment where you ate what they gave you or you didn't eat so I think he forced himself to eat foods he didn't like so that he could survive in his environment (again lupa and child soldier shenanigans)

But when he goes to camp half blood whatever you want appears on your plate right. So people are all like "Hey Jason what do you want to eat what do you like?" And he would say I don't know and people would think it's cause of the memory loss and maybe a little bit it is but he's never gotten to chose what he eats before not with his mother he was too small not with lupa he ate whatever he could find nit with new Rome he ate whatever the served to him so now he's not really sure what to do. I like to think that Piper and Leo would definitely help Jason with his relationship with food. Like in the lost hero when Leo makes tacos. I feel like that was a good stepping stone for Jason. To be like I like tacos but maybe not this ingredient or that ingredient.

I have so much more this is just 1 headcannon

hihi i really like this but isn’t is the opposite? at camp Jupiter they give you your favorite meal but at camp half blood they give you a few different choices or smth? idk i could be wrong 😭

but ur right he’s so autistic

#asks #jason grace #riordanverse

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joyful-patatas · 1 month ago

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They're Just A Kid

Chapter 10 || DUSHNIKH YAL

“My brother was truly enamored with your sister. Is his grief not proof of his love for your sister?” “And yet, he was so quick to acquire new ones who died even quicker,” Chief Burguk scoffed. “Truly, Krogarz. I am going to ask what everyone has been asking, why are you not the Chief of Narzulbur?” “I was not the one who challenged the late chief–” “Do you play me for a fool?” The Chief’s voice was harsh. “You know exactly what I meant.”

Word Count: 8,745

CW: Suggestive content/lime or whatever you wanna call it in Krog's backstory. Anti-immigrant sentiment. slight acephobia if you squint

ao3 link

“May I ask, do you always have trouble waking up?” Krogarz asked as Piper walked sluggish.

“I wake up at 7 usually and leave at 7:30 to head to school at 8:05. This is like, 5 AM!” They groaned while bringing a hand up to rub their eyes. “I can’t sleep well either.”

‘Truly.’ He watched Piper continuing to rub their eyes and yawn constantly. ‘What are they even talking about? Five A-M? Seven thirty? Skole?’

He opened his mouth, but then refrained from asking. It did not feel right. Piper may not have orcish features, but the furrowed brows and narrowed eyes was enough of an indicator that they were not in a conversing mood.

“Guess the kid didn’t get much of her beauty sleep,” Barbas snickered.

“I’ll make you sleep permanently .”

“Enough. We should calm down and refrain from taunting each other.” Krogarz interjected as Piper simply huffed and blew their front hair out of their face. “Did you get enough rest?”

“What do you think?”

He was truly taken aback at their snappy attitude. “I was simply asking–”

“No. I didn’t. And I never will. Happy?”

The change in attitude and demeanour was truly astonishing that he could not even be upset with the blatant disrespect. Is this who Piper really is once they are more comfortable with the people they’re with? He assumed human children cannot be too different from their human adult counterpart, but everything Piper does or says are simply too confusing for him to understand. What do they mean when they said the food is “bussin’”? What do they mean when they say they “stan Krog” when Kust was being disrespectful and called his behaviour “cringe”? Kust and Lod were both at a loss when Krogarz asked what these terms meant. Maybe human children outside of Skyrim are different from the ones here?

They continued walking, taking breaks from time to time. They took more breaks than Krogarz would have liked, but he noticed that Piper would never complain or tell him their legs were still in pain, so he simply announced when they would take breaks. The quiet relief that Piper seems to let out whenever they get to sit only solidified his deduction, but he did not voice it out. He had a feeling that if he did, Piper would insist that they keep going.

“Let us rest for the night.” Krogarz said as the sun was close to setting. “We have come quite a long way.”

“Really? We’ve been stopping a lot along the way,” Barbas said.

“Oh, to be an immortal being that does not feel any physical exhaustion and hunger. What’s that like?” Piper asked while simply glancing at Barbas.

“Quite nice, actually. I don’t have to worry about food or sleep.”

“And that is why you will stay back to look after Kid while I get food for us who do need to worry,” Krogarz said.

“There’s no more rations?” Piper asked, surprised.

“You ate most of them.”

“Oh. My bad.”

“Don’t be. A growing child needs to eat.”

“You know that I'm likely not gonna grow any taller at this age, right?”

“No…I did not know that,” Krogarz was perplexed at this newfound knowledge. “So…you are just tiny? Forever?”

“You better go before I throw my shoe. And just so you know, I have good aim.” He silently snorted at their words and started making his way into the forest.

‘Bad attitude or not, Kid is quite amusing.’

~|~|~|~

Krogarz returned with the carcass of a deer and laid it across a flat stone before looking to see Barbas bringing his head up next to the sleeping child.

“I’m sorry for being bitchy this morning. I really didn’t sleep well.” Piper muttered over the crackling fire before turning to Barbas and scratching behind his ear. “Sorry to you too, Barbs.”

“I’ll forgive you if you scratch my other ear too.” Piper cracked a smile before doing so, earning a please growl and a wagging tail from the Daedra. “Oh yeah. That’s the spot.”

“Lack of rest does make one have little tolerance.” Krogarz acknowledged as he poked the wood. “However, it seems to be too frequent for it to be a change of environment to cause it. Is that what you meant when you said you ‘never will’ have a good rest?”

“Yeah.”

“How long has it been?”

“Since I was twelve. So like, three years I guess?” Krogarz paused and looked up to Piper, baffled.

“Rest is essential and three years is three years too long of not having proper rest. No wonder you are so small.”

“My height is genetic and has nothing to do with my insomnia.”

Krogarz simply hummed at Piper’s response and decided it was time to change the subject. “So, what were you before arriving in Skyrim?”

“Uh…still me?” Barbas snorted at their answer. “Oh, you meant, what I did?”

“Yes.”

“Nothing big. Just a student trying to be a doctor. Or at least a nurse.” He frowned as Piper looked at his confused expression before clarifying, “a healer.”

He rose his brows at their answer. A healer? Well, they seem quite knowledgeable, so he could imagine Piper taking such an essential role.

“An honourable role. You will be the only obstacle between life and death and bend it to your will. Do not take it lightly.”

Piper blinked at his response before saying, “I've never heard anyone describe it that way outside of Tumblr, holy shit.”

‘That was not…then again, when have their reactions ever made sense to me?’ Krogarz placed the skewered deer meat over the fire.

"So like, have you traveled the whole province of Skyrim?"

"Yes, but I have never entered human settlements outside of Kynesgrove."

"And Falkreath?"

He let out an amused huff. "And Falkreath."

"Ever wanted to? Visit human settlements I mean."

"Not at all. I do not take pleasure in being scorned and openly unwelcomed."

"Not a masochist nor a degradee. Got it."

“What is a degradee?”

“Someone who gets pleasure from being degraded.” He furrowed his brows at their reply but didn’t manage to ask more as they added, "So…are cities and towns off the table?"

“Off the table?”

“A no go. Like, we don’t go in there?” Piper explained.

“Ah.” He pondered their words. “I would rather not enter one, but if we must, I suphose there is no other choice if we are to find any information about your home.”

“Right. Hopefully we won't have to. I'd rather not put you in an uncomfortable space.”

“I thank you for your consideration, but I can tolerate a few sneers and looks of disgust.”

“Still…I'd rather not have to put you through that. No one deserves to be treated that way. Outsider or not.”

Krogarz glanced up at Piper who continued stroking Barbas with a small smile, but he did not feel like it held any amusement. How odd. Orcs smile when they're happy. Every expression an orc makes is genuine. Piper’s expressions are confusing. At first, he simply thought it was because of their lack of orcish features he was used to seeing, but even compared to the humans in Kynesgrove, Piper was hard to understand.

He simply continued his work in silence but noticed Piper’s gaze on what he was doing. He slowed down the process, moving his hands so they could have a better view of the process. Despite being different species, this felt nostalgic. It was just like when Urog first started gaining interest in hunting. Children were truly amazing at learning. They simply look at someone doing it a couple of times and then try it out themselves. Now, he highly doubts he can pick up something new that quickly anymore. He has grown up.

The children of Narzulbur are growing up too.

~|~|~|~

They continued ahead at the next break of dawn, much to Piper's dismay. Despite the initial grunts and groans that Krogarz found to be in a surprisingly low tone, Piper continued forward with barely noticeable limp in their steps as Barbas stayed close. Piper was stubborn. That is a fact he respected.

The path was laid out in stone and the autumn wind was merciful by being a simply breeze. He was still quite surprised that Piper has yet to complain about the cold. They did say that they grew up in a similar climate, but he expected the lack of muscles and fat to make it hard for them to regulate their body temperature.

“Are you cold?” Krogarz asked as Piper shook their head. “Truly?”

“I'm fine. This jacket Runil gave is really warm. The embroidered design is really pretty too.” Piper stretched out the bottom of their hooded coat, seeming to see the foreign stiching design in white and yellow thread over the blue base. “I wonder who did it.”

“That Altmer priest did.” Barbas answered. “He also seemed to have weaved in some magical enchantment in those threads. There's some faint magic on them.”

“Wait. For real?” Barbas nodded as Piper's eyes returned to the embroidery. “Huh. I wonder what it does.”

“Perhaps it helps to keep you warm,” Krogarz guessed.

“Hm. Maybe. I guess I owe him more than I thought. I really got to make up for it.”

“If there’s anything he needs, let me know.” Piper simply nodded without another word.

They continued on through the familiar terrain until he stopped to see a particular dirt road leading to a tree covered hill. He was pondering for quite a bit, he assumed, since Piper and Barbas were a few steps ahead from him when Piper asked, “What is it?”

“Dushnikh Yal is up this road.” Krogarz nodded towards the dirt path as Piper walked closer to him.

“A stronghold?” He nodded and looked down at Piper. He was initially planning on simply retrieving the axe, returning directly to Clavicus Vile and then send Piper home with the acquired information, but it is likely to take over a week with Piper’s recovering injury to finish. Perhaps he could enter Dushnikh Yal and speak with Chief Burguk and negotiate a potential bride for his brother before accomplishing his vow with Piper, giving the bride-to-be time to prepare for the journey east. But Piper would likely be unwelcomed as a human. Well…unless he–

“We can go.” He looked down at Piper who simply shrugged at him. “We’re not in too much of a rush. A day for a Daedra is like, what? A millisecond? Not even? And I know you’re looking for a bride for your brother. You’re only helping me because you want to, not because you have to. So if you wanna go. Go.”

“You won’t be allowed inside.”

“Then I’ll wait outside with Barbas.” They turned to Barbas. “You don’t mind, right Barbas?”

“Well, as much as I’d like to get on with it. A day wouldn’t hurt.”

“With an immortal Daedric dog on my side, what could go wrong?”

“Watch it, Pips. You might jinx yourself.”

“I don’t believe such superstitious stuff. But I’ll knock on wood if it makes you feel better.”

“If that’s the case, you are a nightmare to the Daedra.”

“Aww, thanks.”

“I did not mean that as a compliment.”

“I’ll take it as one.”

“Piper. I’m serious. You can’t take the Daedra lightly, even with your…condition.”

Piper furrowed their brows at Barbas. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Let us head out to Dushnikh Yal, then.” Krogarz said, knowing that the subject will drag on longer than he’d like. Best have this conversation out of sight and with privacy that is not in the middle of a travelling road. “Simply give me a little time. We should be able to leave before sundown.”

“Huh…is it lunch time?”

“Hm?”

“Nevermind.” Piper started walking ahead the dirt road with Barbas and Krogarz was quick to follow, staying behind to have a clear view of the two, but saying which directions to turn.

As they reached the destination, they were met with towering walls of logs with smoke rising from beyond the walls and into the cloudy sky. This is when Krogarz took to the front, making sure he is well seen by the orcs in the watchtower.

“It’s pretty.” He heard Piper say, furrowing his brows.

“Pretty?” This is a first. A stronghold is many things, but ‘pretty’ is not one of them. He is sure of it.

“I dunno. I like it. I can’t see the inside, but I like the roofs I can see.”

Then again, Piper is an odd one.

“I think you might be the first to see an orc stronghold as ‘pretty’.” Barbas said.

“I live in a city with ugly ass buildings made of brick or windows that reflect the sun into your eyes, it hurts. This feels and looks so much better than what I’m used to.”

‘So they are indeed a city child. Now question is, where is that city?’

As they reached the gates, Krogarz caught sight of an orc who stood by, awaiting their arrival. Upon closer inspection, he recognized the orc whose arms were crossed.

“Welcome, child of Malacath. Your kin bid you welcome to our stronghold.” They spoke in orcish formality quickly passed before Arob gave him a welcoming smile. “It's good to see you, Krogarz.”

“Likewise, Arob.” He nodded his head down in respect. “I apologize for the sudden visit, but I wish to speak to Chief Burguk as a messenger from Narzulbur.”

“Well, lucky for you, he is unoccupied at the moment. At least, to us,” She lets out a jestless snort before nodding towards Piper. “And who’s that?”

“An ally. And a lost child. I intend to help her get home to pay back for her help after being outnumbered by bandits.”

“Krogarz? Outnumbered by mere bandits? I’m quite surprised.”

“Yes. Yes. It’s embarrassing.” He huffed in slight annoyance. “Nonetheless, I owe them my life for helping me escape. I would appreciate it if they may be let in.”

“You know the rules, Krogarz. Outsiders are forbidden.”

“Yes. I am aware—”

“You, outsider!” Piper took a step back as Arob's welcoming voice turned to malice once she spoke in Tamrielic. “This is our stronghold. Here, we are free to live as Malacath intended, away from the prying eyes of outsiders. By the Code of Malacath, this stronghold belongs to the Orcs.”

“Reserved spaces. Got it. Completely understand–”

“The human child is Blood-Kin.” Krogarz said with conviction as Piper whipped their head at him. “Let it be known that they may be trusted and their words are to be headed.”

Even at their current distance, he was able to notice Arob being taken aback from his declaration. “Krogarz. Are you certain?”

“Yes.” He replied in Orcish. “If ever this child does us wrong, as per our Code, I am willing to pay the Blood Price.”

“No. Both of you shall pay the Blood price.” Arob stated in Orcish before speaking once again in Tamrielic. “Very well, child. It seems Krogarz the Beheader has vouched for you. But be warned, break our Code, and you shall pay the price.”

“Are–Are you sure you want to let me in? I–” Krogarz simply pat their back and lightly pushed them forward as the gates slowly opened. “Right. Okay. Before I go in, real quick, what is this ‘Code’?”

“Our laws. They are easy enough to understand. Do not kill, steal, or attack your kin without reason. If you break a rule, you must phay a Blood Phrice.”

“Blood Price?”

“You atone for your crimes by letting the victim bleed you until they are satisfied.” He saw them widen their eyes and becoming reluctant to walk past the gates. “Worry not. I doubt you are able to do any of those crimes to any orc.”

“That is such a backhanded compliment, but thanks, I guess.” He snorted along with Barbas as the three entered the stronghold.

“Stay close. Although I have given you the status of Blood-Kin, it is still the lowest ranking within a stronghold.”

“Hierarchies. Great. Love them.” Piper huffed as Krogarz quickly shushed them.

“Resphect is all we ask. We’re both guests in this stronghold. So act like it.”

“Roger that, Captain.”

The gates loudly creaked open as they both went through the entrance. Dushnikh Yal may not be the stronghold with the largest territory, but they are a prospering one with a much bigger population than Narzulbur and making trade with the close, neighbouring human settlement that also makes them the richest stronghold. To be honest, Krogarz does not like that one bit. Ressources are already limited because of the war, and Chief Burguk has been giving more resources for the humans to continue the war. It has been a point of tension when the Chief’s gather to discuss peace treaties and new trades, but the survival of kin was a priority and Krogarz was certain the Chief refusing his request would create more animosity towards him from the other Chiefs.

“Ghorbash.” He swung his axe one last time before turning to Krogarz, the edge of his lips curling into a smile.

“Krogarz! It has been a while. Here to challenge me once again like old times?”

Krogarz snorted. “Tempting, but perhaps some other time. I would like to ask you a favour.”

Ghorbash raised his brow as Krogarz stepped aside to reveal Piper who looked at him, wide-eyed. Krogarz then spoke in Tamrielic. “Could you look after them as I discuss with Chief Burguk? They are very dear to me and I trust you the most in Dushnikh Yal to look after them in my stead.”

Ghorbash hummed and turned to Piper who quietly took a step behind Krogarz. He asked, in Tamrielic, “You. What’s your name?”

“Uh, Piper. Salvador.” They cleared their throat and spoke clearer. “But people just call me Piper.”

“Piper, huh.” He turned to Krogarz with a smirk. “Unfortunate that you’re travelling with an orc who’s tusks are so large, he’s unable to pronounce the ‘puh’ in your name.”

“Oooh, so that’s just a Krog thing and not an orc thing?” He tensed and turned away.

“‘Krog’?” Ghorbash questioned.

“Just as I cannot pronounce their name, they cannot pronounce mine. It is simply a nickname.”

“‘Nickname’?”

“A shortened name,” Piper clarified. “Or something you call someone instead of their full name. My family and friends call me Pip or Pips or Pipes. Krog calls me Kid. I call him Krog for now, but I’ll learn how to say Krogarse one day.”

“I think it’ll take more than one.” Krogarz snorted at Ghorbash’s comment. “In any case, welcome to Dushnikh Yal, Blood-Kin.”

“Thank you, Mr. Ghorbash”

“You can phronounce his name but not mine?” Krogarz frowned.

“It sounds a lot like the words ‘gore’ and ‘bash’ put together, so it’s easier.” Piper defended. “I didn’t think you’d be so petty with me having a hard time pronouncing your name.”

“I am simply questioning as to whether you truly are incapable of pronouncing my name.”

“Keep wasting your time questioning then.”

Ghorbash laughed at Piper's bold reply. “I like this one.”

“I'm sure you do.” Krogarz let out an amused huff. “Well, I shall speak with Chief Burguk. Kid, do not leave Ghorbash’s side.”

“What if I leave his side to be at his front?” Piper moved from the side to Ghorbash's front. “Is that allowed?”

“Yes.”

“What if I leave his front to be at his back–”

“Do not leave his sight. How about that?”

“What if he's looking for something and looks away from me? Do I have to go–”

“As amusing as your jests are, I must go, Kid. I will be back before you know it.”

He watched as Piper took in a deep breath and nodded while scratching the top of Barbas’ head. “Look after Kid too, Barbas.”

He barked like a normal dog in reply. Korgarz nodded and turned to head towards the Longhouse where Chief Burguk sat while his newly acquired wife adorned in fine clothes and jewelry. Not a very well-liked wife to an orc Chief from what he’s heard and now he can see why. There seems to not have a single sign of hard labour on her skin. No scars, no muscles, not even a hint of traditional orc heritage is displayed on her. Rumors of her being a city orc have reached his ears, but he wasn’t completely sure until now. She looked like a human noble in orc skin. Out of place. It must be infuriating for his other wives.

He approached the Chief, still deep in conversation with his newest wife who…giggled? Is that what that laugh is called? It sounds like how Piper once described and demonstrated with mockery.

“Chief Burguk.” Krogarz was not ignorant of the newest wife's scowl as Chief Burguk turned his attention away. “I apologize for the sudden interruption and visit, but I do wish to speak with you.”

“As pragmatic and direct as always, Krogarz.” He grinned before turning to his wife and, to Krogarz's surprise, spoke in Tamrielic. “Apologies, my dear. But I have some business to attend to.”

“Don't take too long my Chief. I would hate to miss you more than I should.” She replied.

They exchanged flirtatious looks as Krog tried his best not to frown. She had an orcish accent, yet did not seem to speak the language. He hoped she did. For her own sake. But if she did not and she truly was a city orc, she was the most pathetic wife a Chief had ever married.

He entered the longhouse with Chief Burguk and Krogarz was quick to notice the abundance of food spread across the long table. With how much food is becoming scarce from the civil war, he couldn’t help but feel slightly insulted.

“Now, what do I owe the pleasure of Krogarz gro-Narzulbur coming to request a meeting with me?” Chief Burguk asked as they both sat side-by-side on the long table filled with food.

“I have come to ask for one of your daughters to become my Chief Mauhulakh’s bride.”

“Yes. I’ve heard that he has lost another wife. My sincerest condolences.” Krogarz gratefully nodded his head in a bow. “But, unfortunately, I cannot do so.”

Krogarz’s head shot up at this. “Why not?”

“Because there is nothing to benefit in doing so. Agreeing to a marriage with your Chief is essentially sending our daughters to their death.”

Those words made Krogarz tense as his eyes narrowed “What?”

“Chief Mauhulakh has had several wives and they all met tragic deaths. I heard his last wife was crushed by a giant. It seems the next wife will meet a much more horrifying fate than the last.”

“Chief Burguk. I vow that I will do everything in my power to keep your daughter safe when she becomes my Chief’s bride.”

“Even if that were true. Why would I do that?” Chief Burguk crossed his arms and narrowed his eyes at Krogarz. “Dushnikh Yal is a prosperous stronghold while Narzulbur has been slowly going to ruin ever since your brother became Chief. By the Ash Pits, Krogarz, the only thing your territory has of worth are the ebony mines, but nothing more.”

“Watch your tongue, Chief Burguk. Narzulbur has fallen on hard times, but we are still true orcs. No challenge is too much for us to take. With Malacath’s guidance we will bring more glory for the future generations.”

“Does that glory involve that human child you announced as Blood-Kin?” Krogarz momentarily froze at the Chief’s words. “I cannot exactly pinpoint the child’s exact origines, but there seems to be Redguard or Breton ancestry one way or another. For an orc that is obsessed with our history and tradition such as yourself, I’m surprised you are willing to care for a child whose ancestors brought down our own province.”

Orsinium. A provincial city for the Orsimer that has constantly been sacked and rebuilt for centuries. The Redguards, Bretons, and Imperials had to come together to destroy it the first and second time, and even then, it took years before Orsinium was brought down to rubble. Everytime it’s been rebuilt, its destruction soon follows. He’s heard of rumours of a new Orsinium being rebuilt near the border between Hammerfell and Skyrim by refugees, but he doubts it will stand as great as it once did with such a low population and it being a big population of city orc refugees during the Oblivion crisis who have lost the traditional ways.

Even if he does blame those human nations for destroying Orsinium, he cannot help but feel his anger boiling up at Chief’s Burguk’s words about Piper. He does not know how they helped him. He does not know that they never once look at him in disgust. He does not know that they always defended him for what they believed was injustice. He does not know them.

‘ And you do?’ He catches himself thinking as he grips his thigh. “Piper is an odd one. But believe me, we would want to have that child as an ally.”

“You have a lot of faith in a mere child,” The Chief hummed while pouring a bottle of ale in his pint before offering one for Krogarz. “Are you certain this is not one of your lapse of judgement from your fleeting mind?”

“I can assure you, my mind is as sharp as your Forge-Wife’s blade.” Chief Burguk snorted a laugh. “I would never give the title of Blood-Kin to an untrustworthy person. My orc kin will alway be put first, no matter how insufferable they might be.”

Silence fell upon the two, each with a pint in hand but neither moved to drink. They only stared at each other until Chief Burguk broke eye contact and stared down at his drink.

“I sometimes wonder if the reason Chief Mauhulakh keeps losing his wives is because the Orc-Father knows that he is not the strongest of his stronghold.” Chief Burguk said as a deep sigh escaped his lips. “The day Galka died was not only the day Chief Mauhulakh lost a wife, but it is also the day I lost a sister. And yet, unlike your brother, I do not let grief consume my entire being and neglect my responsibilities as Chief.”

‘You are making deals with humans in Markarth instead of keeping the limited resources to kin in this already war torn land from humans.’ Krogarz clenched his jaws and refrained from letting the comment leave his tusks. “My brother was truly enamored with your sister. Is his grief not proof of his love for your sister?”

“And yet, he was so quick to acquire new ones who died even quicker,” Chief Burguk scoffed. “Truly, Krogarz. I am going to ask what everyone has been asking, why are you not the Chief of Narzulbur?”

“I was not the one who challenged the late chief–”

“Do you play me for a fool?” The Chief’s voice was harsh. “You know exactly what I meant.”

Krogarz stayed quiet. He could not simply say he was not interested in the position. The strongholds already know of the incident that caused his “weakness”. Saying he was not interested in the position was preposterous. What orc does not desire to be Chief? Him, apparently. It was not the negotiations nor the maintenance of stronghold relations that made him uninterested in the role. The true reason is much more foolish and would be incomprehensible. Even he does not understand why.

“I cannot bring myself to challenge my brother.”

His answer weighed heavily in the longhouse. How shameful. Lying. He hated lying. But telling the truth in this situation will bring Narzulbur to deeper ruin than it already is. Everytime, he hears how the orcs in other strongholds believe he should be the Chief. He understands the frustration, but his Chief is still his brother. Insulting his Chief is insulting the stronghold, and his stronghold is everything .

“So Krogarz the Beheader is simply a coward.” Chief Burguk hummed. “How disappointing. And unexpected.”

Krogarz gripped his thigh as the Chief stood up, “I have nothing more to discuss with you. You may rest for the time being as our honoured guest, but you shall not leave with any of my daughters. I doubt you will with any other stronghold, but one can only hope.”

~|~|~|~

Krogarz left the longhouse with a deep, frustrated sigh. He knew that convincing other Chiefs to let their daughter marry his brother would be a feat. He knows the amount of doubt surrounding Mauhulakh, but having the Chiefs doubt him as well will become an issue. He supposed he was too hasty in calling Piper Blood-Kin, but he could not simply state they have the powers of a seer.

If he wants orcs to see Piper as Blood-Kin, he needs to treat them like an orc. And for that, he’ll need to give them something orcs give to all children from the stronghold. He turned to the sound of hammer hitting the blade as he felt a slight dread in what he was about to do, but there was no other Forge-Wife better for the job. After a few more seconds of mental preparation, he approached the forge.

“Imagine the heads of your enemies as your forge. Let your hatred work the steel,” Gharol, the forge-wife said, watching intently with arms crossed.

“Yes, mother,” her son, Umurn said, hitting the metal of the blade.

‘Best get it over with.’ He took in a deep breath and walked towards the blacksmith. “Still as dedicated as the first day I have met you.”

The two turned to him. “Hello, Krogarz. I was not expecting your visit today,” Gharol said while crossing her arms.

“Am I unwelcomed?”

“No. Unless you've done something that warrants an unwelcoming reply.” She said as Umurn gave Krog a nod with a smile. “I've heard that your Chief has lost another wife. My condolences.”

“It is a tragedy.”

“One that we would have expected you to avoid.” Gharol replied flatly. “Makes me wonder what you are doing here of all places.”

“I am looking for a bride for my Chief.”

“If you plan on asking for my daughter's hand to be his bride, you can forget about it,” she sneered.

“Your Chief has forbidden me from doing so. So please, do not worry.”

She scoffed, “As if that weak willed husband of mine actually holds any authority over his children. Even if he did accept, I would forbid the union.”

“Truly?” He was stunned. “I thought you were one for tradition.”

“I do not wish to explain myself to you. Just know that you nor your brother, nor any other Chief will get their hands on her.” She said with a glare. “Now, unless you have something else to say, I would like for you to leave. As you can see, I am occupied with my son.”

“Actually, I wanted to commission a dagger. The kind we give to the children.” She frowned at his words, “I thought Chief Mauhulakh’s late wife passed before birthing her child?”

The corner of his lips twitched into a frown at Gharol’s words. “It is not…It is for a different child.”

“Yes. The human child.” Gharol hummed while staring behind Krogarz. “I did not expect you of all people to announce someone as Blood-Kin.”

“I did not expect it either, but I owe my life to them.”

“And you think they deserve my blade?” Gharol's words were sharp and opposed. He knew it was an odd and practically insulting request.

“Do you think the Nords deserve your blade?” His question lingered in the air as Gharol narrowed her eyes, but stayed silent. “Please, Gharol. They may not be an orc, but a child is a child. I will pay whatever the price may be.”

“Forget the price. Whatever money I make, my Chief will simply take it to adorn his favourite wife in even finer jewelry,” she scoffed. “I simply need you to deliver a message to my daughter.”

“Lash?”

“The one and only.” She went back into her workshop before returning with a sword. “You will find her in Karthwasten, near Markarth. Bring this sword to her. She’ll understand.”

She pulled out a magnificent sword. Gharol truly had a talent for forging even amongst all the Forge-Wives, but this sword in particular seemed…odd. She placed it on the table and went to retrieve the cloth and rope to bind it closed. Krogarz observed the sword while waiting. It was an iron sword of intense polish and a sharpness that gave the feeling that it would be able to cut through the bones of a troll in one swing. He frowned as he noticed upon closer inspection that the sharpness was a sham and little cracks could be seen. He felt his stomach drop, knowing exactly what message he would be sending.

“Gharol,” he looked up, eyes in shock. “Do you truly—?”

“You have no right to question me, Krogarz. Simply deliver the message without question or you can forget about the dagger.” She roughly placed the cloth down and started wrapping the sword almost carelessly.

He clenched his jaw and the wrapped iron sword in his hands before nodding. Krogarz started regretting his decision to stop by this stronghold. Hopefully they can leave soon–

“HOW DARE YOU?! YOU'RE JUST A DISGUSTING MONGREL! AN OUTSIDER AT BEST!” A shrill voice erupted that was sure to fly beyond the walls of the stronghold. “YOU DARE ACT LIKE YOU'RE SUPERIOR TO ME?! ME?!”

Krogarz's blood ran cold. ‘ How? Why? Maybe it's not Piper? By the Ash Pits, it can only be them. But why?!’

He glanced at Gharol who smirked wickedly, much to Krogarz’s shock. “Gharol…do you hate me enough that you'd have a child–”

“Oh, shut up, Krogarz. Not everything is about you.” She scoffed. “I just think that I will be rather fond of this Blood-Kin more than I initially thought.”

“I…do not understand.”

“I’m saying let's go see what that human child did to make the Chief's oh-so precious wife sing with such a shrill.”

‘Ah. Gharol hates her more than me. That is…unexpected. Which is terrifying.’

~|~|~|~

“Krogarz!” At the call of his name, he momentarily looked up from his work to see Gharol running up to him with her usual wide smile.

“Gharol.” He called softly before placing the log of wood he was about to chop down. “It is good to see you.”

“Hm, can't really say the same to you,” her grin made him huff.

“No one is forcing you to enchant your presence before me.”

“And yet, I still do.” She mocked a tired sigh as Krogarz simply went back to work. “Really? It must have been too long since my last visit. You are usually much more hospitable.”

“And you were a much more respectful guest.”

“Well, my apologies for being more of a friend rather than a guest.”

“I do prefer having you here as a friend rather than a guest.”

Gharol’s father was having a meeting with Krogarz’s own father to solidify trade of ores and Gharol was brought to inspect the quality. Usually, the Chief’s Forge-Wife would be the one to attend such matters, but since the role became vacant from her mother’s sudden passing, Gharol who was her mother’s apprentice was deemed the most appropriate person to come with. Krogarz assumed that she spent a lot of time insisting to her father to have her come to Narzulbur. Very rarely do daughters travel to other strongholds that are not special events such as weddings and funerals. The only times he really got to see her was when his father brought him and his brother over to Largashbur to start learning how to strengthen ties as one of them becoming potential Chiefs. That was years ago and now, they were soon to become adults. Both Krogarz and Gharol are to go through their rites of passage soon.

Gharol sighed upon inspecting the ebony ores Krogarz brought for her. “What it is?” He asked. “Are they not to your liking?”

“No, nothing like that. I simply wish Largashbur had a mine of its own so we do not have to rely on stroking the other Chiefs' pride to trade their ores with lower wares.”

“Well, your stronghold have always brought us orcs the best blacksmiths. Everything I know about making weapons and armour is from Mauhulakh’s mother who was raised there.”

“Which is also why you can keep up with me.” She teased while placing the ore down. “These are good.”

“Would you like me to smelt it?”

“No. I will do it back home.”

“Home is quite far.”

“I am still alive, am I not?”

“I simply meant it would be nice if your home was closer.”

“I suppose I am to be wedded soon and have another stronghold be my home.” Krogarz snapped his head up to see Gharol’s saddened look.

“I assume you are not very excited about it.” She snorted at his observation before letting out a tired sigh. “I heard Chief Larak defeated his father and is now Chief.”

“So you would also know that he will be marrying my sister Shuftharz to be his Forge-Wife.”

“He is?” Krog asked, surprised.

“You are the next stronghold closest to Mor Khazgur and yet you do not know?” She chuckled. “I know you are attempting to make up for your foolish brother’s incompetence, but you must still be aware of what each stronghold is up to.”

“Gharol,” his tone was one of warning.

“What? Everyone thinks it.”

“That is still my brother. You are a dear friend to me, but I will not let you disrespect my brother.”

“Alright. My apologies,” she said as Krogarz huffed. “To be fair, everyone also speaks ill of Burguk. Dushnikh Yal seemed to be unstable ever since Ghorbash left to join the legion.”

“Yes. That was a surprise.”

“Aww. Does Krogarz miss his favourite sparring partner?”

“Maybe. I wonder why he left. I hope he comes to his senses and returns to us soon.”

“That is if they take him back.” The two stood in silence at that fact. Leaving the stronghold was deemed as betrayal in the highest order. Prioritizing your own personal ambitions over the community was deemed unreasonable, especially if you were expected to be the next Chief. “Ghorbash’s absence truly affected Burguk.”

“I’ve heard about him suggesting selling our crafts to human settlements.” Krogarz huffed before giving Gharol a teasing smirk. “Maybe once he is Chief, you can marry him and have your weapons bring prosperity to Dushnikh Yal?”

“Absolutely not. My blades will be made for orc hands and orc hands only. I also have no desire to marry someone as feeble-minded as Burguk,” she scoffed, earning a deep chuckle from Krogarz. “Besides, if I am to marry the next Chief, I would rather my husband be you.”

Krogarz froze as he snapped his widened-eyes towards her. She was not looking at him directly, but he noticed her taking down her perfectly pinned hair and redid it, just like every other time she felt embarrassed or shy. When she was done, Krogarz still did not respond and was met with a frowning Gharol once she turned to look at him.

“You know, most orcs would finally give a reply after such a confession.”

“I…do not know what to say.”

“How about this? I would like to be your wife once I come of age. Would you like to be my husband?”

He thought about it. How nice it would be. To continue enjoying their time together but at his own stronghold. Sleeping side by side and holding her close. Bringing the necessary ore to watch her work and getting excited when she invites him to join. To be gifted her work to then slay any opposing foes with it would be an honour.

“That…sounds good. Becoming your husband, I mean.”

It was her turn to look stunned, but a wide smile reached her lips as she excitedly leaned over. “R–Really? Then, perhaps you could challenge your father? Become the Chief of Narzulbur and have me as your Forge-Wife?”

“My father is still young and healthy. I doubt I can defeat him as I am.”

“Ah, I see.” The two sat in silence again. “So…I just have to wait.”

They both knew that the moment Gharol suggested waiting, it would not be a possible feat. She was well versed in her craft that the moment she comes of age, each and every stronghold would want her as a wife. Thankfully, Mauhulakh’s mother was still alive that neither had to worry about his father attempting to marry her to be his Forge-Wife. But Dushnikh Yal and Largashbur were strongholds who’s Chiefs were growing weak and whose sons were expected to take the title of Chief very soon. By the time Krogarz can challenge his father, it will likely be too late. A friendship is not enough to have the other strongholds accept a delayed union.

Both of them knew, but neither voiced it out.

“I am sure whoever you are to marry, they will see and adore you more than I ever could.” He smiled reassuringly as her shoulders slowly slumped. “I only hope that we both continue to remain friends.”

“Yes. Friends,” She sighed. “That is what we are.”

“Hm?” He wondered if he said something wrong. Surely, remaining friends is the best possible outcome in this situation. “Is there something wrong?”

“I doubt I will be close to any other orc than I am with you.”

“You never know.”

“Well, right now, you are the closest orc to me.” she muttered. “May I ask a favour?”

“Of course. Anything.”

“Would you have me for one night?”

He sputtered at her words and looked at her, baffled. “Pardon?”

“If you are not to become my husband, at least be my first lover,” Gharol suggested, making him widen his eyes. “You're…I do not want it to be with a stranger, but if I am to do it the first time, I'd rather it be you.”

“I–” Krogarz gaped at her confession.

“I know you said anything, but you may refuse.”

“Gharol, that is something you do with your husband!”

“You are one of the very few orcs who thinks that. Sure, wives of Chiefs are not allowed, but unmarried orcs do take part in it.”

“I–I would not even know what to do even if I accepted!”

“And you think I will?”

“I do not know? Maybe?!”

“Well, if I knew it would make you this terrified, I would not have even suggested it.”

He stopped at that. Was he scared? Perhaps. This is weird. Why is it weird? She’s Gharol. It would make sense to want her in…that way. A beautiful orc with strong arms and scars that we proof of her hard work at honing her craft. If he cannot

“I–If that is what you wish.” He muttered bashfully. “I will be your lover for tonight.”

~|~|~|~

Krogarz made sure to be as quiet as he could. His steps as light as a fox just until he reached the bridge heading over to Gloombound mine. He did find it odd that Gharol picked the mine as their meeting point, but he supposed being outside of stronghold walls was even more foolish with what they planned on doing. No one will be at risk of walking in on them either, so he suppose Gharol did truly think it through.

He walked on the bridge, stopping momentarily to stare at the snowy forest below. Narzulbur was always drenched in snow and he wondered if Gharol became his wife, would she be alright with the cold? Where spring is so little compared to her home in the south. The only fruits found being snowberries and a diet that consists of meat and what little vegetable can be grown only by Narzulbur’s wise woman.

‘Stop it. She will never be your wife.’ He clenched the furred blanket he took from his bed. ‘She knows this too and that’s why she asked this of you.’

His breath condensed as he sighed before heading for the mines. He supposed their time together will soon be over. They will not be able to see each other like they used to. Which is why he will have to cherish the time they did have and what little they have left.

He reached the entrance of the mine where Gharol stood, waiting while rubbing her arms. A smile etched her features as she walked towards him.

“You could have waited inside,” He said as Gharol let out a shivering scoff.

“And how will I explain to someone who is not you what I am doing inside a mine without someone from Narzulbur in the middle of the night?”

“Well, you should at least keep yourself warm.” He draped the fur over her shoulders and brought the ends to cover her chest. “I cannot have you get sick on my watch.”

“I–” She cleared her throat and took hold of the fur. “Thank you. Let us get on with it, shall we?”

She hastily made her way to the door and pushed it open with Krogarz following suit. It was much warmer in the mines with dim lighting from the few torches still lit.

“Oh…I–I forgot you do not have bed rolls in your mine.” Gharol stammered, taking Krogarz by surprise.

“Why would we do that?”

“I know. Stupid of me to think so. It will only accumulate dust. I just now realize how uncomfortable this will be.”

“But I brought my furs to make it more comfortable.” Krogarz slightly tugged at it adorning her shoulders. “Bear pelt looks good on you.”

“Is–Is that so?” He nodded as Gharol narrowed her eyes, confusing him. How do you do it?”

“Do what?”

“Why are you so calm saying things?”

“The truth?” His voice muffled as Gharol slapped the pelt onto his face. “Gharol–?! Wha–?”

“Stop talking and lay the pelt down already.” He pulled the pelt out of his face, seeing Gharol pull out her hairpin, letting her hair down before placing it onto the nearby table.

‘She has nice hair.’ He turned to place the pelt down as a makeshift mattress of sorts. It will not be the most comfortable, but at least the uneven stone floor will not hurt as much. ‘I would like to comb it. Maybe I can ask after this? I wonder if I still know how to braid hair.’

“Krogarz?”

“Hm?” He turned before suddenly being pushed back onto the pelt when Gharol wrapped her arms around him. The act was so sudden that it took him a moment to respond, but he slowly brought his own arms to return the embrace. No words were exchanged as they simply laid there.

“Thank you,” she muttered as she tightened her hold.

‘This is…nice.’ He sighed while returning the gesture by holding her tighter, closer. A simple embrace. The last time he did this was with his aunt long ago. How much time has passed. He could get used to this…but he shouldn’t.

“Krogarz?” He loosened his hold to let her move, his arms still around her back as she leaned closer to whisper, “I want you to touch me.”

“Uh…I am touching you.” A soft snort escaped her lips as she brought her hands up to wrap around his neck and lean back to see his frowning expression.

“Hm, finally being shy?” Gharol grinned, brushing her hands down his neck and onto the shoulders under his shirt.

“No. I am not shy.” He huffed, making her chuckle.

“We shall see.” She pushed his chest down, making him grunt in surprise rather than pain as she began to straddle his waist, making him stutter her name. “And now?”

“I–” He clenched his jaw, feeling…odd. This is unusual. Unexpected. He looked up and saw she looked…excited?

“Krogarz,” she whispered, gently leaning in and rubbing her tusks on his neck as a soft gasp escaped his throat. “I can feel your heartbeat.”

‘This feels wrong.’ He sucked in a breath when she started slipping her hands beneath his shirt. ‘Is this desire? It's not what father explained. It's…uncomfortable.’

This isn't what he wanted to feel. He liked touching Gharol. Hugging her. Holding her close. But this felt wrong. So wrong. Is it because they are not married? Maybe. Maybe it's just that, but Gharol wanted to be with him for one night before becoming the wife of her future husband she has yet to know. Maybe he could go through with it. Toughen through it. Simply do it for Gharol's sake–

“Krogarz,” he snapped from his daze and realized she was bare chested and slowly taking his hand to cup her breast. He breathed out a gasp, which seemed to have amused her given her smile. “Do you want me?”

“No.” The singular word seemed to have cleared whatever heavy tension and was instead replaced with stillness. “I–I do not want you. Not in this way.”

Her hold on his hand loosened as he snatched it back, more harsh than he intended, but he could not help it. He does not understand why, but he simply could not go through with it. He did not want to touch her like this. It felt ‘wrong’, There was no other way he could put it. He nervously looked up, feeling his stomach drop upon seeing her betrayed expression. She clenched her jaw and looked down, shoulders shaking.

Krogarz slowly extended his hand, wanting to comfort her, “Gharol-?”

“What's wrong with me?”

“What?”

“Am I repulsive?”

“No. Not at all.”

“Then why?” She looked back up, tears pricking at her eyes as he retreated his hand, completely taken aback. “Why do you not want me?”

“I–I do not know why. I just…I cannot do it.”

The two sat in silence as Krogarz looked mournful at Gharol’s look that he couldn’t describe as anything but betrayal. “Gharol…I am sorry.”

That seemed to have snapped her from her daze as she suddenly pushed him, making him grunt on the ground as she stood up, hastily putting on her shirt back on without another word.

“Gharol–”

“I hope that once you become Chief, you won't humiliate your wife on your first night like you have humiliated me.” He tried calling for her, but only an embarrassing voice crack escaped as Gharol quickly left, slamming the door behind her as Krogarz was left alone in the mine.

He let his head fall back, watching the shadows flicker above him with a deep sigh. What an utter joke he was. He knew he was not one to fantasize or enjoy talking about sex, but even he should be up for doing it with someone who’s company he enjoys. He likes Gharol. She is a good and close friend, so why can he not bring himself to touch her? To ‘desire’ her in a way that feels good?

Krogarz sat up, wide-eyed as he realized something. Becoming Chief means he will have to do this again. He will do it with someone he does not know as much as Gharol. If becoming Chief meant needing to go through that uncomfortable and humiliating process, there is no way. If he could not do it with Gharol, who is he to believe he can do it with an unknown wife?

Whatever dreams or ambition he had of being called Chief Krogarz quickly crumbled as he stared at the door where Gharol left. When her absence finally dawned on him, he heaved a sigh and leaned back down. He brought his hand to his eyes as a choked out sob erupted from his throat. He did not understand. He likes Gharol. He looks forward to her company. He even dared to think that, one day, he would have her as his Forge-Wife. But…why could he not bring himself to touch her? It was easy to think of her as a wife and working together with him mining and purifying the metal for her to work her talent, but why can he not imagine bedding her without this feeling of dread? Is this not what male orcs should desire?

“Malacath…what is wrong with me?”

#skyrim #tes #the elder scrolls #elder scrolls #tes fanfic #they're just a kid #tjak

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sunnyie-eve · 1 month ago

Text

12 | Baby Demon

Series: Purpose

Paring: Chris Halliwell x OFC!

Word Count: 2.2k

Warnings: jealousy

| MASTERLIST |

"Cassie, hate to bother you... Umm can you come downstairs?" Cassie hears Piper call out to her.

"How did it go?" She asks walking down the stairs.

"Do you think you can watch a baby for us?" Piper holds the baby out to Cassie.

"Where did this little guy come from?" She takes him from Piper to hold.

"We sorta vanquished its mommy." Paige makes Cassie smile at the baby and it sticks its lizard like tongue out.

"He's so dang cute." She smiles making funny faces at him.

"I'll take it as you will help watch him?" Piper asks.

"Of course. Do you have any of Wyatt's old clothes I can put on him?" Cassie asks her.

"I'll be right back." Piper rushes upstairs. When she comes back Cassie dresses the baby up and get him to sleep. "When you're older do you want kids?" Piper watches Cassie with the baby.

"Yeah, I do." Cassie smiles down looking at the baby.

"I can tell you're gonna be a really good mom." Piper gives Cassie a smile.

"Thank you."

The next morning the girls all look at the baby from last night, "I still can't believe we vanquished its mummy." Phoebe watches from afar with Paige.

"Yeah, but we didn't know it was a mummy and besides, mummy tried to kill us." Paige tells her.

"I know, still, look at how cute he is. So adorable. Oh, except when he does that weird little thing with his tongue." Phoebe says making Cassie laugh as she mess with him.

"No, it's cute."

"I wonder why he looks so human?" Paige asks.

"I don't know, but he won't for long." Phoebe tells her.

"You know he could be half human, right?" Cassie tells them as Piper walks in.

"Okay, Wyatt's upstairs, so at least he's..." Wyatt orbs into the playpen, "Safe." Piper finishes her sentence.

"Don't worry about Wyatt, he's got his protective bubble. He'll use it if he needs it." Phoebe tells her.

"Plus, it looks like he likes his new friend." Paige adds.

"That is not a friend, that's a demon." Piper corrects her.

"Not exactly, he's just a baby." Cassie corrects her.

"Excuse me, you weren't at the same vanquish as me? Because it took all three of us to stop his mother." Piper explains.

"Cassie's right. It doesn't mean he's gonna turn out that way." Paige tells her.

"He doesn't have a choice, it's genetic." Phoebe uses that as an excuse.

"No, I don't think so. Okay, maybe I'm a little biased because I am in fact adopted, but I really think there's something to that whole nurture versus nature thing and predicting how a kid is gonna turn out. You know, the classic environment versus biology argument." Paige explains to them and Cassie agrees with her.

"But this is not a child, it's a demon." Piper tells her.

"As I said since he looks normal, he's probably has a normal daddy." Cassie speaks up again.

"Why don't you go over there and see if you can sense anything evil." Paige tells Phoebe. She walks closer to the playpen and gets nothing. Good or evil. "My point exactly. Clay to be molded." Paige tells them.

"Yeah, I don't know about that." Piper shakes her head.

"Still, the question remains what are we supposed to do with him?" Phoebe asks as Chris orbs in.

"So you vanquished the demon?" He asks then.

"Yes and no." Piper tells him.

"Well, the good news is the demon you sent us after is in fact... gone." Paige tells him too.

"And the bad news is whatever ate it, left us that."

Chris looks in the playpen and the baby wiggles his lizard-like tongue at him. "I think he likes you." Cassie jokes with him.

"I don't care. Vanquish it."

He says making Cassie huff, "Chris."

He gives her a look, "I mean it. Now." He tells the sisters.

"No, they are not vanquishing a baby. What's wrong with you?" Cassie slaps his shoulder.

"I'm just concerned that this could be the future evil that gets to Wyatt." He tells all of them.

"Don't be ridiculous." Paige tells him and Cassie agrees.

"What? I'm being ridiculous? There is a demon in the playpen." He says before the phone rings.

"No, there's a baby in the playpen." Cassie adds as Paige goes to get it.

"Hey, if it's Jason, tell him I'm in the shower." Phoebe tells her.

"Are you avoiding him?" Piper goes to sit next to her.

"Uh, kind of. I, um, sort of told him that I loved him last night." Phoebe explains nervously.

"Oh, and this is bad?" Cassie asks confused thinking it was a good thing.

"No, except I said 'I love you too' as if he said 'I love you' first, which he didn't." She explains.

"So wait, you told him that he loves you before he told you that he loves you?" Piper asks.

"Mm-hm, mm-hm." She agrees.

"Yeah, that's not good." Piper and Cassie tell her.

"Yeah, I'll be lucky if he doesn't move to Hong Kong permanently now. I really thought I had my empath power under control." Phoebe tells them.

"Forget that. What are you gonna do?" Chris asks about the baby.

"What am I supposed to do? I mean, you know, you tell a guy that you love them and they bolt, you know, it's just what they do." She thinks he was asking about her and Jason.

"About the baby, I meant the baby. We gotta do something." The baby scoops up a pacifier with his tongue. "Fast." He nods his head.

"You just called him a baby... We can figure something out that doesn't involve vanquishing him." Cassie glares at Chris.

"Cassie." He says her name but she ignores him.

"Hi there buddy. Look what I got little guy." Cassie gets a toy shaking it in front of him making him giggle. "Play with it." She moves it close to him and he starts to chew on it.

"Where's Wyatt? Where is he? Look, look, wait, listen. Where's Wyatt? There he is! Look, look. Where's Wyatt? Where's Wyatt? There he is! Alright." Piper gives up on peek-a-boo.

"Okay, I don't think distracting him is the answer." Chris tells her.

"Wyatt? Bad demon, very bad demon." Piper says as Paige walks in.

"Hey, was that Jason?" Phoebe asks making Paige say it was Darryl who needed her help.

"What, you're just gonna let her go?" Chris says as she leaves.

"You're welcome to try and stop her." Piper tells him.

"You know, I should go talk to Jason." Phoebe states.

"And her too." Piper adds.

"Wait, stop, where are you going? Are you slightly concerned that there's a demon in the house?" Chris asks her.

"Chris, this is a baby, okay? Relax. And you call me if you need anything." Phoebe kisses Piper.

"Love you too." Piper shouts out.

"Don't." She stops to give her a look.

"Sorry." Piper says so Phoebe leaves the room.

"And you're okay with this? Them dumping this on your lap like that?" He asks Piper.

"Well, they don't seem too worried and I have Cassie to help. I sorta dumped him on her last night." She tells him.

"Well, they should be. I need to figure out what kind of creature we're dealing with here." He leaves to go up to the attic to get the book.

"Is he always demanding? Is there ever a time he's not?" Piper asks Cassie as she plays with the babies.

"Umm I'm gonna go ahead and say no. Probably not before the age of four." She laughs.

"I still can't believe you put up with him and like him." Piper sits up straight.

"He has his bad moments but growing up with him... I couldn't help it." Cassie shrugs her shoulders going to make the baby a bottle. "Come here, big boy." She picks him up but stays by the playpen.

As he drinks from the bottle Chris comes back downstairs. "Cassandra, it's a demon. Not a baby." He whines.

"No, he's a baby. And just because he's half demon doesn't stop him from being a baby." She huffs putting him back in the playpen as he finishes the bottle.

"Anyways, I found what it is." He says as Cassie washes the bottle.

"He's not a IT..." She slaps his back once she walks over to him.

"Vicious demons with supernatural strength and venomous claws. Manticores communicate with high-pitch cries and tend to travel in packs. Great. Well, I say we get rid of the little brat before the pack comes looking for him." Chris reads once he finds what the demon is.

"Okay, fine. What do you suggest we do with him? Call social services?" Piper asks him.

"No, I suggest you vanquish it." He says once again and Cassie smacks him upside the head.

"Chris, I'm a mother, I can't go around vanquishing babies, no matter how evil they are." She explains to him why she can't do that.

"It's not how evil he is, it's how evil he's gonna be. You gotta stop looking at him like he's a little baby and start looking at him like he's an unstoppable killing machine, because that's what he is." He walks over to her.

"I realize that, but still." She sighs.

"But still nothing. You're supposed to protect the innocents, right? Well, think of all the future innocents you can save by vanquishing him right now." He tells her and Cassie zones out watching the babies. "Okay. Well, if you won't listen to me, maybe you'll listen to Leo." Chris orbs out.

"How is he gonna say vanquish him but there's no vanquishing potions for what he half is?" Cassie asks as the Manticore baby shimmers out and shimmers back in and then shimmers back out. He shimmers back in and laughs. "I think he's taken peek-a-boo to a whole new level." Cassie laughs looking back at Piper.

"I'm gonna try taking him so he'll be away from him." Piper picks up Wyatt leaving the room.

Cassie looks at the baby and he smiles at her before he shimmers out so she orbs up to the attic to see him with Wyatt. "I give up." Piper sighs as Phoebe walks in complaining about men then they talk about the baby.

"But something just doesn't add up about him. I mean, why isn't Wyatt using his protective shield? Why doesn't Wyatt think he's evil?" Piper explains to her sister.

"Well, we gotta keep Wyatt away from him. That's for sure." Phoebe goes over to the playpen.

"Phoebe, wait." Cassie says as she picks Wyatt up from the playpen making the baby start to cry.

"You stay away from my nephew, okay, and don't shimmer after him or I'll bind your powers." The baby starts screaming.

"Phoebe, hurry, put him back down." Piper tells her.

"What? Okay." Phoebe puts Wyatt back in the playpen.

"Why?" A creature shimmers in behind Phoebe.

"That's why."

The creature hits Phoebe and she flies across the room, landing on Piper. Wyatt's protective shield covers the playpen and the small space Cassie was crouched down next to it. The creature reaches into the playpen and the shield zaps him.

He tries again and it zaps him again. Piper gets up and tries to blow him up, "Hey! You get away from my kid!" She continues to try and blow him up until he shimmers out. He shimmers back in behind Piper, grabs her making Cassie orb over to grab her but he shimmers back out taking them with him.

Piper and Cassie end up in a dark house, the rooms were a wreck. There were broken furniture and stuff all over the floors. Piper and Cassie were tied to a post by their hands. "Hello? Who's there?" Piper calls out.

"I want the child." The creature tells them.

"Who are you?" Cassie ask.

"I want the child!" He repeats himself.

"Yeah, I heard you the first time." The creature runs behind a bookcase and peeks around it. "Look, if you're trying to scare me, it's not gonna work, because I've seen worse, really." Piper tells him.

"I doubt it. I don't want to hurt you but I will if you don't do as I ask." He tells her.

"Who are you kidding? You need me. Otherwise I'd be dead already." She tells him as her and Cassie work to get free.

"Don't mock me!" He comes out.

"Okay, easy, easy. Sorry. You're not a Manticore, are you? So why do you want the kid, anyway?" She asks him.

"That's not your concern."

"Well, it is if you want my help. I'm not just gonna serve him up to you as a snack." She says as they get closer to getting free.

"That's not why I want him. How'd you get him away from his mother anyway?" He asks making Cassie think about him.

"We vanquished her." Piper answers him.

"You have no idea what you've done." He tells her.

"We got a baby away from a demon and I'm not gonna give him up to another one." She says making him mad.

"Then you'll die." He tells them.

"The hell I will." Piper and Cassie blow up the rope around then she blows up a bookcase behind the creature. They both run for the door and when she tries to open it, it zaps her. Cassie helps her up so they can run into another room and hide.

#charmed #chris halliwell #wyatt halliwell #piper halliwell #phoebe halliwell #paige matthews #leo wyatt #witches #whitelighers #Chris halliwell ff #Chris Halliwell imagine #Chris Halliwell fanfic #Chris Halliwell fanfiction #charmed ff #charmed fanfic #charmed 1998

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music-my-beloved · 1 year ago

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3/28/24 (16) -

First Entry: Sooooooo I might relapse on that crush I had ? I started the diary entries a little late but I had (still have) the biggest crush on Rylan Garcia like, EVER ! He looks like a young Robert Kennedy !! Gosh he's so so so handsome. I walk around the hallways at school in the morning just to see him. I used to be so obsessed with him and I would see him everywhere and I would just stare at him non-stop I was insane. I told his friend (my friend too) William that I had a crush on him and he was like, "Oooo uh, he's got a girlfriend -_- and not only that but he's going to leave for the Marines soon as well." GIRL . I was devastated ! His girlfriend and him broke up (woohoo!) but that doesn't fix the Marine problem .. anyway like, girl he was walking to his government class and Oh. Em. Gee. He looked drop dead gorgeous! He was wearing a black belt and high waisted pants with a tight black shirt and I could see his pecs through his shirt oh my lord it was CRAZY. So now I might definitely be totally absolutely walking with a purpose in the morning just to see a certain somebody idk 👉👈

Second Entry: So the guy that I keep making eye contact with isn't here today . I kinda wish he was though. it would give me something to think about. Today is kinda boringgggg. BUT it's the last day before my 4 day weekend so yayyyy :)))))

Third Entry: I'm going to the movies tomorrow with my friendssssss !! We're watching Dune: Two. uhhh the only problem is I haven't seen the first one. Personally I really have no interest in watching it because uh, I hold my own personal prejudices against timothee chalamet and zendaya but whatevs. I'm going out with my girlfriends so of course I feel bad not watching it but stilllllll. I don't wanna do it :P think I might just watch one of those 30 min recaps on youtube or something idk.

Fourth Entry: hiiiiiiii I had peter piper pizza for diinnneerrrr. Erm, the color of the dough kinda concerned me though 'cause it was the same shade of golden brown all over the back and it like . looked artificial to me. like plastic. Still ate tho !! It's giving me some anxiety though 'cause what if something was wrong with it and what if I get food poisoning tomorrow morning ?? I literally CANNOT survive another food poisoning incident . I WILL get suicidal it's not even funny. I get suicidal when I'm nauseous and cold and sick and in pain and bored and anxious and and and and.. sorry I'm crazy :3

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queen-of-writing-bad-things · 1 year ago

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Henry Danger Reader Insert | Captain Man x Reader: SEASON 5

Episode 27: Captain Mom (SMUT)

Season 5 Masterlist

*Strong start to the chapter, but I'd like to say that I hate this episode with a burning passion, and I'd like to have a word with whoever wrote this piece of utter—shall we continue?

To make this steaming pile of garbage slightly more tolerable, I decided to give myself a gift and write a lovely yet self-indulgent smut idea I've had in my filthy little head for quite a while now. It's not particularly explicit, but trust me, I have a long list, and most of them are so bad I'm saving them for a special chapter. Wink-wonk ;)

Please enjoy what I've written. I hated every word of this creepy, disturbing, weird, utterly confusing chapter (apart from the smut) :)

Ray was a tough guy. Strong, reliable, honest, lovable, gentle - he was all those things, or at least he was to (y/n).

She could ramble for days on how perfect he was, from how he protected the city from whatever threat ran towards it to heading their operations in the Man Cave to caring for their growing family.

Ever since Piper joined, his home had been busier, noisier and crazier than ever, and he was in charge of all of it. How many children did he have to worry about now? Four? Then, there was Schwoz, too, even though he was pretty low maintenance, and of course, he never stopped worrying about his sweet girl after vowing during his proposal that he always wanted her to be safe, happy and loved.

The pressure never stopped; it was like he carried the weight of the world on his shoulders, something (y/n) never forgot. He never let on, but it got to him sometimes - the stress of having thousands of people looking to him for guidance, not that Swellview's citizens or his family saw it.

She did, though.

(y/n) could spot the signs with pinpoint accuracy, especially after a few gruelling days of back-to-back missions. He got grouchy in the evenings, snapped at Henry for merely existing, barely ate dinner, and wriggled and writhed throughout the night like it wasn't his favourite spot in the world.

Of course, she was by his side throughout it all, so when he got grouchy, her mood dipped. When he snapped at the kid, she apologised on his behalf. When he barely ate dinner, she picked at the pasta on her plate, which wasn't as tasty as it had been ten minutes previously. And if he wriggled and writhed through the night, you can be damn sure that she laid awake next to him, wondering what she could do to help him.

"Ray..." she called out as he stomped down the corridor toward their bedroom, her following closely. That mission had been frustrating - anyone who used a paintball gun as a weapon was some sadist who wanted nothing but chaos to reign as he pelted the three heroes with his ammo.

They were small, but goddamn, those balls hurt like hell. Ask Ray; he acted as a human shield so his sidekicks could get close enough to disarm the miscreant, but all those shots took their toll, and now, he was in a fouler mood than ever before.

"Yeah, sweet girl?" he replied quietly, his tone clipped and tired like he just wanted to be left alone and was holding back from lashing out, but he could never do that to her. She only wanted to help, so he instead focused on stripping off his painted-splattered uniform with sharp, frustrated movements before tossing them into the laundry basket by the wardrobe.

Definitely in a bad mood.

(y/n) wasn't entirely sure how to deal with it. If he was sad, she knew what to do. Same with if he was scared, annoyed, or confused. They were easy enough to solve and soothe, but stress-induced frustration wasn't something she came across often because of how much he stamped it down.

However, over the last few hours, she'd had a chance to mull things over, meaning she wasn't without a plan that she knew would tickle his fancy - a mutually beneficial plan. Now, if only he gave her enough time and room to set it in motion.

"You wanna talk about it?"

"Talk about what?" Ray asked over his shoulder as he slumped onto their bed and began pulling at his bootlaces like they'd done something wrong. He couldn't take off his utility pants until they were off, so she admired his strong, muscled back and began disrobing, too, whilst he fiddled with the annoyingly tight weave. Once off, he threw the shoes into some godforsaken corner he didn't care about and promptly removed his blue pants, too, minding not to get paint everywhere as he did.

"You're stressed. You act like you're fine, but you're not," she muttered as she came up behind him, kneeling on the bed in the bulletproof underlayers of her uniform. Her fingertips slid over his body, drawing shivers from the man when he felt her front press to his back and her lips land on the junction of his neck and shoulder.

"Come on, doofus. Talk to me..."

"S'nothing..." the words weren't much more than air passing through his teeth as she let her arms dangle past his chest, meaning her hands were free to roam his pecs and the very top of his washboard abs as he leaned into her embrace and sighed. He would never leave if he could stay in her arms, where his worries flew away. To be just a man who loved and was loved, not the hero who bounced back at the snap of someone's fingers whether he wanted to or not.

"If it bothers you, and I know it does, then it's not nothing. Tell me, Raymond..." It sounded stern, but the accompanying kiss on his cheek and how she nuzzled her face into his neck said otherwise. At that moment, she had the power to turn him into just a loved man, who loved her in turn, and she wanted his weakness after seeing too much of his strength.

"It's just...think I need a vacation, sweet girl. Somewhere we can get away from all this bullshit...just you and me," he muttered and lolled his head back to rest on her shoulder as she kissed up his neck, taking reference from how he did it whenever life got too much for her.

That's what this was; he did it for her, and now she'd do it for him - whatever it was or whatever he needed her to do.

"But... I promised to give you the happiest day of your life, darlin', and I intend to keep that promise."

"I don't care what our wedding's like, doofus. I just want you safe, happy and loved as you promised..." (y/n) whispered as her hand drifted up to hold his jaw and turn his face to her gently. Ray groaned lowly as she led a delicate kiss, and he wished more than anything to feel her skin against his, not the silky smooth material of her longsleeved undershirt.

"That promise was for you, pretty girl," he gave a half-hearted chuckle as he remembered that moment when he got down on one knee and promised to always take care of her. Her. No one else.

No one else could ever be his wife if he recalled those sentimental words correctly, which reminded him; they needed to book another meeting with that florist about the flowers for the ceremony. And he noted that she hadn't eaten lunch yet, so he probably needed to swing by that takeout place down the road, and pick up more straw for Colin's hutch, and--

"We're a team, me and you. I want to care for you too, sweetheart," she confessed into his ear and, in a tactile move, pulled his earlobe between her teeth as her hot breath rolled down his neck.

Ray immediately felt the air shift around them and his cock twitched when she adjusted her position behind him, allowing her arm more freedom to roam his bare chest. It was strange; his muscles physically couldn't ache, thanks to his indestructibility, but even so, he was tired - wearied in spirits like his soul had had enough of everything piling up on him. But for her, his sweet fiancée, he could stamp it down again if she wanted her strong, dependable hero to fill her aching channel.

"Don't worry. Captain Man will be ooooo-kay if he gets to have you as his wife." Despite the sudden burning in his core, he breathed out the small joke and rejoyced when he felt her smile against his neck, happy to know he still had the knack.

It was an admirable attempt to throw her off, to get her to back down and assume their usual routine of him taking dominance and fucking the living daylights out of her, but as her fingers brushed over his right nipple, she made her move.

"You don't fool me, doof. Strip and lay down on the bed."

"Excuse me?" Ray paused, and it was comical how quickly his head whipped around to show her how perplexed he was.

He watched with furrowed eyebrows as his sweet girl untangled herself from him, shuffled off the mattress and began peeling her longsleeved shirt from her torso. His dark eyes drank in every inch of her bare skin and cursed the cotton bra hiding her perfect tits from his hungry gaze.

Stood before him in nothing but her underwear, she smirked at his shocked face and didn't miss how he stared at several spots on her body - her breasts, soft tummy, hips, thighs and his favourite place between them. She knew he wanted her, but she knew what that led to; him making the calls, wanting her to rely on him doing all the work. And that's not what this was about.

"Let me take care of you for once, Ray. So, come on. Strip, lay face down on the bed and relax. That's an order."

Following her gentle instruction, Ray echoed her movements and removed the final pieces of clothing from his body - the pesky mask glued to his face and the boxer briefs that clung to his thick thighs, more so as his arousal became more apparent.

He didn't like the idea of surrendering himself, not because he hated the idea of being her submissive, but because he was the carer. He took control in the bedroom and relieved her of any stresses, burdens or problems as he gave her nothing but pleasure, even when she was riding his cock like a fucking queen.

It was his instinct. Snuggling into the sheets with his eyes closed and her movements unknown was not.

"I don't know about this, (y/n)..." he mumbled into the comforter as he rested his head on his arms and tried to relax. His nude body was stretched out on the bed, reaching from the headboard to the foot in what his lover described as a chiselled work of art, and he huffed as his eyes fluttered shut because this was anything but relaxing.

Unable to see, his other senses perked up, painting a scene in his head. He could hear his girl hovering around the room and the unmistakable sound of her bra and panties being removed in what had to be the most unfair striptease ever. He could picture her body perfectly, having had more than enough chances to emblazon it on his brain, but he wasn't supposed to get up and look.

He was "relaxing".

Then, he heard her walking around the room, moving from what he knew to be her dresser on the back wall to the bedside on the opposite side of the bed to him - her side of the bed. The rumble of the drawer caught his attention because, to be honest, he didn't know what she kept in there. Lip balm, a hairbrush, her favourite pieces of jewellery, who knows? That was her private drawer, and that was the bottom line. He didn't cross it. Never. Not once. Much like she didn't touch his.

"You trust me, right?"

"More than anyone else, darlin'..."

"Then, lie there and think of your favourite thing in the world." He could hear the smile in her voice as she returned to his side, the bed dipping next to his shoulders as she clambered across her half. In her hands was an item from the drawer Ray knew she had opened, and it wasn't anything she'd ever paid much attention to.

"That would be you, my sweet girl," Ray whispered, slowly getting used to lying there and letting her do what he liked. Thank god his eyes were closed, or he would've seen (y/n)'s deep blush, which he always loved to tease her about, so she quickly distracted herself by flicking open the cap of a bottle of sweetly scented oil - safe for use on all parts of the body.

It came from a generic bath set she'd received from an unimaginative relative who didn't know her well enough to buy her something more meaningful, but it was serving an excellent purpose now as she watched the golden liquid swirl inside the fancy packaging.

The potent smell of lavender wafted throughout the room as she shuffled a little more on the bed, taking extra care not to trample her beloved doofus as she swung a leg over his body and settled herself over his lower back. Ray tensed underneath her, the move taking him by surprise when he felt one warm hand on his back, and he had to admit, he didn't picture his precious girl straddling him.

"What are--what's going--fuck, that's cold!" He gasped when she squeezed the bottle, allowing the oil to cascade onto his back and pool in the crevice of his shoulder blades, where it trickled across his skin.

"Sorry, doof. It'll warm up soon," (y/n) giggled when he jerked underneath her, and in hindsight, she should've warmed it up a bit beforehand. But he soon quietened when her hands glided across his back, dipping into the oil and spreading it across his skin, she could give him a massage worthy of the hero of Swellview.

Her thumbs got to work almost immediately, rubbing slowly and sensually at the taut muscles beneath the surface. Those shoulders that carried the world were the worst, tense and strained under her fingertips as Ray released the first groan of many.

They looked so broad from that angle before they dipped into the trim waist between her legs, and she smiled softly to herself as she massaged his neck - even that felt tight - seeing how his eyelashes fluttered from her pleasured touches. His mouth fell open in an O-shape, his tension fleeing as she dragged out every second, moving across the edges of his shoulders and down to his biceps.

She'd always wanted an excuse to obsess over them, fondle them without stopping and not have anyone judge her. In public, she could get away with the occasional squeeze or cling to one if he wore a hot, tight shirt, but now, he was all hers. Perfect.

Pouring an extra drizzle of oil into her palm, she kneaded his upper arm, feeling herself grow wetter at their size - so big she couldn't get her fingers to meet across their circumference. But this wasn't about her.

So what if the intensity made her muscles ache? This needed to be dragged out until words couldn't form on his tongue and every inch of him ached for her, so she kept going, pulling and squishing his arm, switching with the other one intermittently. She knew they took a beating every time he used the gym - every day - and she knew he rarely gave them any time to rest, so she spent a few extra minutes on them until his flesh was pliant and dough-like.

"Fuck...so good at this. S-so good, sweet girl," he groaned underneath her as she spread the remaining oil on her hands down his forearms. They were as bulky as the rest of him, with thick tendons and veins stretching down into his hands, and she could picture every time they'd been posted next to her head as he fucked her sweet cunt and braced his lithe body over hers. It was unconventional, but she squeezed them anyway before moving on.

Then, she took his hand, moving his arm slightly bent. Rolling each joint of each giant finger, she sighed silently at the tight palm muscles, knowing they were only so tight from years of hitting a punching bag, some jerk's face or hell, even a brick wall.

They each told a story, from when he was a frustrated teen working to his father's orders of better, faster, stronger to the sparring session they shared two days prior when he took hit after hit from her but refused to harm a hair on her pretty head. Leaning down, she pressed kisses to each fingertip before tweaking the rough pads, ensuring the blood flowed properly to encourage them to loosen up.

"I love your body. It's so strong...and hot. Really fucking hot," she chuckled, unable to hide the grin in her voice as yet more oil pooled in the cleft of his spine as she returned to one of his best features - one of her favourites.

He hummed a response, a faint dusting of pink visible on his cheeks as she resumed work on his back, pushing hard on the taut muscles there before dragging her hands out toward his ribs.

Ray couldn't help but ache from her words, feeling it in his heart from her gut-wrenching confession as he succumbed to her request and let himself fully relax into the massage - utterly at her mercy. And mercy it was. She did everything for him, slowly kneading big circles, gently pulling each side down and pushing away, relaxing the whole area before moving higher and starting again, kneading, pulling, pushing, dragging moan after guttural moan from his lips.

His cock throbbed against the sheets, hard and aching for release as her weight pressed it into the mattress. It meant he couldn't grind himself into the cotton-like he desperately craved, feeling pleasure race down his every nerve ending from the angel naked on top of him, but he was too limp and amazed by her to move.

He wouldn't complain about getting old for at least a few days as she reached his lower back, oiling him up so her hands glided down and across his waist, the one he insisted she wraps her legs around every time he pinned her down and took his fill.

Moving further down the bed, she grinned at the sight of his cute ass, having always secretly loved it for just its general...cuteness. It was so cute at the apex of his cinched-in torso before it widened for his firm, smooth buttocks, which, of course, were firmly kneaded without a care in the world since that's what he usually did.

Ray Manchester was an ass man, through and through, so his sweet girl held nothing back as she listened to the small voice inside her head that said the soft flesh there was to be touched and admired, which sparked a small want in her. It looked so soft - like a marshmallow - and it's not like he hadn't done it before, so...

"Hey!... Did you just bite my ass?" Ray gasped when he felt a slight, painless sensation pinch his backside, but it melted into a chuckle when he felt a kiss a few inches from the crime scene. He was shocked but not disgusted and laughed with his lover as she sat back on her haunches to admire the indent she had left behind.

"Maybe... You know you can't talk, doofus."

"Not my fault you have the most gorgeous fucking ass I ever s--shit, that's good--"

His words dried up on a choke as she descended to his thighs, using another inch of oil from the now half-empty bottle on his thighs, which were nearly as delicious as his butt. She worked much more slowly on his upper legs, relishing in the stiff muscles crafted by Greek Gods. Gently teasing his inner thigh with feather-light trails, the heroine pushed deep circles up the backs of those powerful legs, stopping once to return his hand to his ass cheek for one last squeeze.

Finally, she reached the end of his long body, and her hands were burning from the massage as if she'd absorbed the aches and pains from him. She ignored it, knowing she'd do it all over again if it left this tempestuous man docile and purring between her thighs - and not in the usual way.

He seemed to enjoy the last moments the most, relishing how her thumbs ran up and down his calves and feet, perhaps because it wasn't easy carrying his heavy, six-foot frame around all day to various corners of the city. At this point, she could feel her sticky arousal clinging to her thighs, and like Ray, she wished more than anything to clamp them shut in search of some friction, but her work prevented her from doing that, even as she reached his final pinky toe.

The sheets were ruined - stained from the excess oil she used and the room would smell like lavender for weeks, but neither cared. Ray didn't know the meaning of work as she slithered up his body, ensuring he felt her hardened nipples and tummy brush against his back as she settled on top of his form again.

"Better?" She asked in his ear quietly, pressing a kiss to his cheek and temple as her hands roamed his jelly-like arms.

"Mmm," he grunted, too blissed out to form words, but he vowed he'd make it up to her later. Anything for the only girl he'd ever let see him like this, and he'd dated a few in his time. None of them had the privilege of seeing Captain Man in this weak state, but they never wanted to. They didn't care as she did, and Ray swore a tear ran down his cheek from the love swelling in his heart for his wife; damn whether a piece of paper dictated whether she was or not.

She taught him to believe in love. Wholeheartedly. And for that, she was officially his unofficial wife.

"Then turn over." The simple command pulled a groan from his lips, but he did as she asked, feeling younger than he had in years as he waited for her to move to one side before he rolled onto his back. In healing his body, she discovered his soul, and it didn't ache anymore, not when he cracked open his eyes to see his angel kneeling by his side, skin flushed and bumpy from the chilled air or the rampant desire between them, either one.

His lips parted again as he scanned her perfect figure, his tongue darting out to wet them as he studied her movements, unable to stop himself from staring at her tits or ass. He was a gentleman at the end of the day, but as she saw when he rolled over, his courteous nature had been pushed aside by an animal - like she made him be - hungry for the sweet girl pulling her bottom lip between her teeth.

"Poor baby...all this just from me rubbing your back?" She teased with a mischievous smile as she took in the delicious thickness between his thighs, laying heavily against his abs as she swung her leg over him again.

"You know it is," he growled, taking in the familiar sight of her hovering over him, and she didn't miss the twitching of his cock when he noticed the slick between her legs. He wanted her, throbbed for her, and she took great delight in it, knowing a little oil and her rubbing up against him made him as solid as granite.

Still in a teasing mood, her fingers danced across his inner thigh, drawing a hiss from him at the tender touch, and he longed for her to slide that pretty pussy over his cock and let him feel her. Part of him said that this wasn't right; his precious girl should be beneath him, legs spread, taking his cock so she could relax against the pillows, but he didn't dare move, not when her palm moved to the right and grasped his length.

"Gonna ride you, sweetheart. You want that?"

"Fuck yes," he groaned as she took him into her hand and began pumping him slowly, the residual oil making her glide up and down his member easily. His hips jerked up into her movements as she carefully jerked him off, but she quickly put a stop to it, shuffling forward, so she straddled his thigh, which granted her more space to pin his hipbone with her free hand.

She explored his abdomen, roaming his chiselled V-line and abs with a hungry stare since every time she saw them, she wanted to run her tongue over them. Ray didn't miss how she stared, fully aware of her lust for his body after catching one too many stares when he was shirtless in the gym, but she refused to surrender her newfound dominance. He was supposed to relax, and she didn't want those muscles flexing.

"Can you promise me you'll behave?" She asked breathlessly as her hips moved against his thick thigh, slowly at first but gaining speed once she found a rhythm. All the while, her wrist twisted the movements on his cock, pulling low moans from him as he watched her hand with hooded eyes that met her devilish ones.

"That means no trying to take charge, doofus."

"Will you fuck me if I say yes?" He asked, raising a cocky eyebrow in a last-ditch attempt to regain his instinctive dominance, but a jerk of her wrist and he howled. A long, guttural moan tore from his chest, which turned into a whine when her soaked pussy left his thigh, only to kill and send him to heaven when she settled above his cock.

"You want my pussy. You have to behave, Raymond. Can you feel how much I need you? Want your big cock inside me..." (y/n) taunted him in a needy voice, the one she used when coaxing her Captain to give her what she wanted finally. But now, the tables had turned as she ground against him, feeling his hard length run through her wetness and catch on her entrance.

The temptation to fuck it all and slide him in was high, and she clenched around nothing at the thought of finally satiating the burning need in her core, but the look on his face made it worth his. His eyes were screwed shut as his mouth contorted in a pain-filled grimace, and she had to lace his fingers between hers to stop him from seizing her hips and flipping them over.

Nothing was stopping him from doing that, and they both knew it. He was Captain Man, infinitely stronger than Miss Danger, and with half her patience, but he went limp the second she pressed his wrists to the mattress beside his head. All the fight drained from his body, and he gazed into her determined eyes, seeing the challenge to take what he wanted as she rubbed his sensitive head against her clit.

Nothing was stopping him. He could have her if he wanted.

"I'll behave. Please, sweet girl...don't stop," his quiet pleas caused a smile to break out on her face, and she giggled at the lightness in her chest. Finally, he let go, and she knew what that meant for him, the man who had greatness thrust upon him at the tender age of eight. He cared so much, so guiding him to her soaked opening, she took care of him.

"Feel so good...So, good..." they moaned together as she slid down his cock, engulfing it in her tight warmth in one fell swoop. He was so big - so big every time he took her - like it was splitting her apart and pulling her back together in the best way. The slightest hint of pain, the breach of his cock melting into a delicious fire that licked and coated her nerves as the fat head knocked against soft tissue inside her.

After taking a minute to adjust to him - an agonisingly long minute for Ray, but as always, he refused to move before she was ready - she found a pace with a slow rut that dragged his cock along tight walls where she could feel every single vein throb enticingly against her.

Rocking her hips steadily, gaining speed and confidence with each drop, she panted how good he felt, how thick—how addicted she was to the feel of him, how she wanted to fuck him for hours. Her nails curved down over the muscles of his shoulder blades, along his waist—basking in his size, his strength—before folding herself in half to meet him in a messy, teeth-clashing kiss that spoke of the pent-up frustration in both of them.

It wasn't fair how everything fell to them. It wasn't fair that three people had to protect an entire city. It wasn't fair that the whole town paid for a police force that didn't care about them. It wasn't fair that those heroes still managed, despite the mistreatment. It wasn't fair that he couldn't call her his wife yet. It wasn't fair she couldn't call him her husband. It wasn't fair they still had to wait another year before making it official.

None of it was fair, so there was no wonder she doubled her efforts to try and dull the ache from not being Mrs Manchester until the fancy resort they liked had a booking available.

"Love you, doofus. Wanna take care of you, love you, and--god, wanna--wanna spend my life with you!"

"Fuck, darlin'. Wha--what--who'd I please to deserve you? Hmmm? Who sent you?" He rambled as she swivelled her hips faster, seeking his high more than her own. Maybe it would horrify him, but she wanted to wreck him, build up his pleasure and then wring it out of him in a gut-wrenching orgasm - like what he usually did for her.

All that could be heard in the room was the vulgar sounds of her ass hitting his thighs as she rode him with a renewed passion, frantic to see him helpless underneath him, and she doubled her efforts as he settled his hands on her hips. Losing the will to be brutal as her pussy seized with need, she allowed him some control when he began to direct her movements, showing her how to roll against him until their ends were close.

"Shit--I love you, doofus," (y/n) whimpered as she folded her body over his, so they could share a brief yet passionate kiss before they broke apart to pant against each other's lips. His hands brushed down her back, anything to feel her silky smooth skin beneath his fingertips, with his re-energised muscles pushing him to go harder.

"I love you so much--fuck, gonna give you my cum--fuck--" he garbled as heat crept up his spine, urging his hips to move in small, sharp thrusts underneath her. The added friction caused them both to groan, and, lost to the pleasure, she said nothing, knowing that if this were him misbehaving, she'd take it any day.

Biting at his bottom lip for the final time, the heroine met his mini thrusts perfectly, choking out a whiny moan with each battering hit to her pussy. It hurt so good, and Ray growled lowly in his chest as he watched her tweak her nipple and rub circles on her throbbing clit - once, twice, thrice - he swore he could've died.

"Yes! I want that--want your cum. Pleasepleasepleaseplease--" she gasped as he abruptly sat up, his oiled torso pressing against hers as he wrapped his arms around her small form--and clamped her to him. A long, broken moan reverberated in her ear as he came - hard - groaning and grinding his hips up into her pussy as the sudden change of angle brought her release.

The tight heat around her prolonged his pleasure, making Ray pant harshly into her hair as he rambled incoherent praises for the woman securely in his embrace. Everything felt hot, sticky, and close, from their spent bodies to the air around them - a stifling but not unpleasant haze of lavender and sex - but they loved it, loved the closeness of their post-workout glow as their hearts slowed with their breathing.

Ray collapsed back on the bed, taking his sweet girl with him as the relaxation reached past his physical being and into his mind, meaning he didn't care about their ruined sheets or the fact that people were probably looking for them since it was early afternoon. All he cared about was the angel in his arms and how even after having the brains fucked out of him, he still wanted to have her again.

He could feel her pussy twitching around him, and he wasn't ashamed to say he perked up with interest, even though she seemed perfectly content to trace her finger over his pec and rest on top of him.

"Feel better?" she asked quietly, kissing his chest once, causing it to bloom with affection as he sighed and basked in the blissful peace around them.

"Yeah...so much better, thanks to you, sweet girl," he replied quietly, pecking her forehead in gratitude as she snuggled into him, clearly content to stay like that, despite only cumming once. That didn't sit right with him; it never did, even if this was meant to be about him, and he, and he couldn't just lie there and say and do nothing.

"Let me repay you."

"Nu-uh. This isn't about repayment, doofus. I wanted to do it," (y/n) told him firmly, her hand darting out to grab his when she felt it drift over the curve of her ass - and she knew what would follow that.

As lovely as the idea was, it had taken her an hour to get him this zen, and besides, she'd received more than her fair share over the years they'd dated. It was time to give back, and that's entirely what she intended to do.

"I can't just--"

"I am more than satisfied, Ray. I got to take care of the man I love..." she grinned and pulled his wandering hand back to her chest so she could kiss his knuckles. It was painfully sweet to watch, but that was her all over, and for once, the hero didn't argue as she raised her hips to separate their conjoined bodies. A small part of him longed to return the favour, but he stopped himself.

Ray allowed himself to be genuinely selfish for one hour of his life. To not worry about the world. To not run around after others. To not dance when someone clicks their fingers. He lay back and relaxed, content to doze with his fiancée as she momentarily slipped out of bed to bring him a glass of water and a damp flannel to wipe his brow.

Only mischief was on her mind.

"...and he's more than welcome to join me in the shower in half an hour."

Yep, she was his perfect girl.

*Six thousand filthy words later and in the words of season one Piper, I AM NOT OKAY!!! Seriously that took me like two hours, and now I have to do the episode :) Just smile and type, Ruth, smile and type.

In all seriousness, though, that smut was for me, so now, this chapter is for all of you. My beloved readers. And the next two episodes because I'm not too fond of those either.

For the innocents rejoining us, we're about to begin, so please take your seats. Although, in fairness, this shit's about to get properly weird. I don't know if you want to stick around. It's worse than the smut ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

~The Man Cave~

Henry was suspicious.

Not overly suspicious, but curious. Suspiciously curious. A bit like how his parents were sceptically interested after he went missing for a month, only he managed to placate them with a few finessed lies and his sister's help. This was different and didn't involve butterflies.

For the last two days, he, (y/n), and Ray had been called out to an abundance of irritating, strenuous and time-consuming emergencies, all of which had taken their toll on his man-child of a boss. So, understandably, he'd been in a foul mood, snapping and arguing over the little things - nearly biting his head off for sneezing in the Man Van.

He was tired. He understood that, and he was tired too. However, he couldn't understand how all his crabbiness seemed to disappear mysteriously after he slunk off to his bedroom with the pretty heroine traipsing after him.

A couple of hours later, he was smiling, cracking jokes, and fooling around like it was the first call of the week, which baffled the kid as he watched his boss mess around like the big idiot he was. What had happened in those few hours between the paintball guy and the Burrito Brothers?

Why was he suddenly so...relaxed?

"Man, what is it about fighting the Burrito Brothers that makes me stupid hungry?" The smiley hero asked as he and his sidekicks jetted down the tubes with springs in their steps - not because the mission had been easy, but because they were glad to be home.

Henry glanced at the happy couple, noting how clingy and affectionate they were, which wasn't uncommon for them - not in the slightest - but it was excessive. Strangely, (y/n) clung to her doofus like a lady on a gentleman, and he escorted her down the steps without glancing at the floor in front of him because that would mean tearing his eyes away from her pretty face.

"I don't know, doof, but I'm stupidly hungry too," she replied with a lovestruck smile as her tummy grumbled quietly. They'd skipped lunch, and somehow, accidentally on purpose, they'd snuck a workout in between, so she was ravenous.

"I mean, is it the name?"

"I am stupid starving," Henry agreed as Ray kept ogling his precious girl, shrugging off their weird behaviour since they found a new reason to fall in love every day. Perhaps they were feeling extra touchy today, or maybe it was a full moon or something; he didn't know. All he knew was that if he didn't have a snack in the next five minutes, he would die—or something to that effect.

"'Cause right now, I am the Spanish word for hungry..."

"That would be hambriento, or tienes hambre, doofus," (y/n) told him helpfully, melting his heart and brain because that was hot. She was hot. It was all hot. Caliente. And it turned his mind to mush as they casually strolled across the room, doting on each other so much that nothing stole their attention.

"Or the Spanish word for food..."

"That's comida," she knew he was toying with her now, throwing word after word out in a ploy to get her to say more stuff, and Henry wasn't helping. Happy to know his boss was back to his usual chirpy self, the kid eagerly played along with the banter, causing the woman to roll her eyes when Ray's hand settled in the small of her back and guided her towards the table and auto-snacker. Although, secretly, it was nice to know she flustered him so much.

"I could literally eat a fully grown Spanish person right now!"

"What have I said about encouraging him, Hen?" She joked, biting her tongue as her shoulder nudged the kid, making them engage in a minor scuffle until Ray noticed something...peculiar.

In the middle of the room, balanced on a small cabinet, was a jar, like the kind you'd see in some dusty bar out in the sticks with pickled eggs, trotters and onions. No one knew where it had come from, but they were more focused on its contents; hundreds of milky-coloured balls covered in a purple goo as they floated in an equally strange liquid. It shimmered like the cosmos and had an intoxicating, sweet smell as they got closer to see the unknown substance.

"Are these leechees?" Ray asked, pointing at the suspicious jar of what he assumed was syrupy, preserved fruit, even if he butchered the pronunciation. In fairness, it wasn't a wrong guess; they looked and smelled good enough to eat, but despite her hunger, (y/n)'s tummy told her to stay away—warding her off with its age-old wisdom that she shouldn't touch what she didn't understand.

"Um, sweetheart, it's pronounced lychees, but we shouldn't—"

"You know, the fruit? That you can eat?" If only Ray had the same caution. He was still buzzing from his mid-afternoon break with his sweet girl, so all he saw was her beautiful face and a load of nibbles, perfectly sized for him to feed her. He'd seen the cooking channel, and he could swear that these things grew on trees, meaning there was no need to be wary. Why else would they be out in the open if not for eating?

"You keep saying leechees. It's lychees—lychees—lychees. It's pronounced lychees like (y/n) said," Henry tried to correct him as the hero kept rambling, but in the end, he gave up when his hard-headed boss kept talking about whatever fruit he thought they were. If the leechees—lychees—whatever—were good enough for him, then they were good enough for Henry, who'd worked up an appetite after battling two men who used burritos as ammo.

"You know what? I'm starving—I'm eating a lychee," the boy held up his hand to make Ray shut up before he dipped the same fingers into the jar. He plucked one of the "fruit" from the liquid, noting how it clung to his gloves like goop, and the saccharine essence became even stronger as he brought it to his face.

"Wait!" Ray suddenly interjected, stopping Henry just before he could place the lychee in his mouth, and (y/n) breathed a sigh of relief.

"What?"

"This is a bad idea," he told the kid with a stern face, and the kid paused for a moment. The woman clinging to her doofus broke out into a smile, shocked that they were being sensible and listening to her tummy for once. She pressed a kiss to Ray's shoulder - or as near as she could get to it - feeling perfectly content and happily in love since they were playing it safe. Right?

"Thank you, doofus. Glad I'm not the only one who thinks we should just get some chicken nuggies from the—"

"Why?" Henry asked as (y/n) gestured to the auto-snacker, frowning at his boss for suggesting that the lychees were bad news when all he saw was fruit preserved in sugary syrup. What was so wrong with that? There were millions in the jar; surely, Schwoz, Charlotte, or whoever wouldn't miss a couple.

"Because, dude, you don't even know...how good I am at catching food in my mouth!" Ray exclaimed, and (y/n)'s face fell like a ton of bricks. She thumped his bicep and whined, hating how they were messing with the mysterious food when they didn't know who it belonged to or where it came from, but the boys being the boys, wanted to show off - like the testosterone-fuelled chimps they were.

"I am also very good at catching food in my mouth!"

"I'm probably a little bit better..."

"To be fair, sweetheart, you say that about everything, and you're almost always wrong," (y/n) said tentatively as her lover preened like a peacock, his ego stretching out before him as Henry dared to say he was better at something. His face turned to hers in a twist of betrayal and, strangely, amusement as if her words provided a challenge, and he could never be angry at her, so his eyes quickly softened as he pulled her into a loose embrace, arms hanging limply off her waist.

"You weren't saying that earlier in the shower—"

"And I'm outta here!" Henry choked as his wide eyes darted anywhere but in their direction, and he made to leave the room before he heard something revolting, which he assumed boosted the man's mood and her touchiness that afternoon. He could grab a snack at home, or a cafe, or on the moon—anything that meant he could get out of their way, but Ray wasn't done with him yet, even if he was in the middle of rubbing noses with his precious fiancée.

"You wanna go?" He challenged the kid, pulling away from his flushed girl, who couldn't help but run her tongue over her lips to chase the fading taste of peppermint. She still wasn't entirely pleased by their fooling around, but her brain felt so fuzzy now, slightly hypoxic after being ruined by his kiss.

"You wanna go?" And Henry was receptive. Seeing the man put down his lover, he eyed the jar and thought about the offer, thinking anything Ray could do, he could do better—or something like that. So, he swallowed the bile rising from his stomach and returned to their side, eager to show off.

"Let's do this thing!"

"Okay, okay, let's go!"

"Seriously? How old are you two?" (y/n) groaned as they each took a suspicious lychee and moved away from the trolley. Facing each other off, they stood about two metres apart, so they could throw the small fruits into each other's mouths as the woman watched on her her head in her hands, and Ray was the first to try it out. He dropped his jaw open, looking like a goldfish, as Henry lined up his shot and tossed the fruit, but his aim was awful to say he was a superhero's sidekick.

He came, he threw, and he completely missed.

The so-called snack soared past Ray's head and landed somewhere near the supercomputer, where it would be forgotten about and left to rot until the pungent smell drew someone to clean it up months later.

"My bad—my bad—my bad."

"No problem. We got plenty of leechees," Ray brushed off his worries as he pointed to the whole jar, but Henry kept cringing at his dodgy pronunciation.

"Pronounced lychees, though.

"Uh, agree to disagree—cheese!" However, the hero dismissed him quickly, preferring to focus on their little competition since he obviously had the sweetest spectator in the world - on his side. So, he tossed his lychee, but to say he was a superhero, who trained in sharpshooting since he was a child, had every weapon under the sun, and whose job it was to hit every target every time, he was an appalling marksman.

At least he hit Henry's face. That was something. He didn't get it in the boy's open mouth, but it hit his cheek. Not a bad attempt.

"You two are terrible, you know that? You can't hit the target to save your lives," (y/n) giggled as she watched the fruit hit the floor, and her doofus turned to her with a faux-annoyed face. He booped her nose, causing her eyelashes to flutter and her cheeks to heat up as he reached into the jar again for more ammo. Of course, she was willing to show them how it was done, but the plan was still stupid in her eyes. She wouldn't touch those slimy alls even if they paid her.

"Watch, sweet girl. It's a numbers game, and we're getting close..." Ray announced confidently, tossing a few more lychees at Henry, all pinging off his nose, upper lip, forehead or cheek every time. To say he was meant to be impressing her as only he could, he wasn't doing an outstanding job, so he tried again. And again. And again.

Twenty minutes later, and (y/n) wasn't sure about turning it on, she was ready to nod off. Having grown tired of every failed attempt shared by the boys, she'd plopped onto the couch and watched with her head resting on her arms, her eyes getting heavier and heavier with each achingly slow, passing second.

Hundreds of attempts later, Ray and Henry were still going, determined to succeed just once, even as the tried and tested lychees from the dwindling jar piled up around them. They littered the floor like stars in the sky, creating a huge mess that (y/n) would inevitably make them clean up after she woke up from her dozing.

"I honestly thought we'd be a bit better at this," Henry admitted as he held one of the remaining lychees between his forefinger and thumb, ready to toss it in his boss's general direction. He had the excuse of being a child, with a quarter of Ray's experience with aiming and shooting, so what was his reason?

"Yeah, you would've thought you'd have caught one by now...y'know, since we're superheroes," (y/n) uttered, her words slightly slurred since her cheek was smushed into her arm, but they resonated with the boys all the same. It was an excellent point; they shared a sheepish look, knowing she was right. How did they take down criminals when they could barely do this?

"Yeah, well, this is the last lychee, so let's make it count," Kid Danger stated as he held up their last chance. There was nothing left but syrupy stuff in the jar - and they'd checked thoroughly, so they were determined to make it this time. So determined, Ray prodded his precious girl and encouraged her to open her pretty eyes before they did, so she could witness him being great. Y'know, because he liked her attention...amongst other things.

"All right, I'm ready for it.'

"This is the one. I can feel it! Just don't mess up the throw," the hero advised his sidekick as Charlotte, Jasper, and Schwoz emerged from the secret door, sloping off after a minor incident involving the so-called lychees. The heroes were oblivious to their presence because it was just their friends in the Man Cave, nothing weird about that, so they didn't see how their faces fell and contorted in panic at the sight of the empty jar...or their dangerous horseplay.

"Dude, my throws are gold!" Henry complained, thinking he was a pretty damn good shot. He was not as good as (y/n) - she had an edge, which made up for her lack of physical strength - but he wasn't as bad as his boss.

"Yeah. Fool's gold."

"Whaaaat?"

"What are you guys doing?!" Charlotte snapped, interrupting their banter before they could start bickering again, and her volume suddenly caused (y/n) to be very awake. What was all the noise for? And why did she look so pale when she saw what they were doing with the purple lychees? She'd ruin their concentration if she weren't careful, but that wouldn't be bad in the girl's mind.

"Quiet, Charlotte. I'm about to catch a leechee."

"Pronounced lychee, doof," the heroine muttered as she rubbed her tired eyes and shuffled off the couch. Now that everyone had gathered, she felt she needed to stand up; this was her lover's big moment, even if she didn't like how he dismissed the girl so harshly. She whacks him for that later.

"NOOOOOOO!" However, Schwoz scared everyone when he bolted from the doorway and held his hands out as if to get them to stop, but he wasn't fast enough. His shout came too late as Henry tossed the lychee, and Ray opened his mouth wide, willing the forbidden fruit to hit his tongue, despite his sweet girl's warnings. A strange feeling set in her tummy - the kind that always told her to run, hide or stop what she was doing because something wasn't right, but as time seemed to slow down, it was too late to do anything - save for Henry's dab.

Thankfully, by some goddamn miracle, or maybe just Henry's bad throwing, the lychee bounced off the man's upper lip, saving him from a truckload of trouble as it rolled along the floor to join the others. Well, that was their last chance gone.

"Dah! You guys made me miss!" Ray grumbled as he pointedly glared at everyone except for (y/n) because he could never blame her.

"My throw was sick!" Henry noted, and the blame fell to the helpers who'd come through the door, but they didn't have it in themselves to feel bad. If only they knew what they'd been playing with, they weren't leechees or lychees.

"Wow, that was close..." Schwoz sighed, breathing a sigh of relief as he stared at the mess on the ground, thankful that it was there and not inside anyone. As he explained to the teens earlier after Jasper nearly made the same mistake, that would be very bad indeed, and (y/n) didn't miss his frown or the alleviation in his voice, which made her frown too.

"What was close?" She asked as she neared her doofus and brushed up against his arm, having been too far away from him for too long, but despite the joy she felt when he curled an arm around her shoulders, she couldn't help the concern swelling in her chest. Ray wasn't particularly bothered - he was still hungry - but she focused entirely on the genius, especially when he explained...

"If you had eaten that, an alien would have—" Schwoz started, and her eyes widened at the word alien, but he never got to finish because the Man Cave's resident mastermind got there first.

"And I'm no longer listening. Five-second rule!" Ray interrupted him and dropped it like it was hot so he could pick the freshly tossed not-lychee from the floor and pop it in his mouth. (y/n) felt the blood in her face drain away at their horrified expression, and even though she didn't understand why they looked so scared, it didn't take a genius to realise that her doofus had done a very doofy thing. And it wasn't just because he'd eaten food off the floor, something she'd scolded him for many times before.

"Ugh, I always forget how much I hate leechees," the man pulled a face as the fruit squirted a surprisingly bitter flavour across his tongue. It was salty, almost metallic, and had a strange texture like jelly he couldn't chew, quite unlike what he remembered lychees to be like, but one thing was for sure. He'd need to brush his teeth or drown himself in his sweet girl's honeyed taste to get rid of whatever he'd just put in his mouth.

"Ah, me too, dude. They are gross," Henry agreed blindly, even though he'd been smart enough not to eat food from the floor.

"Those aren't leechees!" Schwoz told them sharply, causing (y/n) to gulp as her suspicions were confirmed. Dammit, why didn't her doofus ever listen? Why didn't she stop him earlier? And most importantly, if they weren't fruit, what were those things?"

"Can't you read the sign I didn't put on the jar?!" The genius snapped and held up a sticky labelled in Ray's face, but he didn't have the time to read it, as Jasper explained.

"Those are alien eggs," he said, and it was like the world stopped. Suddenly, Ray's tummy didn't feel so good, and neither did Henry's and (y/n) swore she would pass out because those didn't sound edible or safe. More like something out of a horror sci-fi movie, and her doofus had eaten them. He'd goddamn eaten them, causing her shaking hand to reach for his as the hideous truth dawned on them.

"Huh?"

"Those are alien eggs!" Charlotte reiterated when the hero's mind went blank, save for the thought that he wondered why they tasted so bad.

"Huh?" He mumbled again, glad he had his precious girl by his side because he'd done some foolish things in his time, but eating alien eggs took the biscuit. Her petrified face stared at his blank one, looking for any sign that this was some big prank and they were going to tell her that her lover wasn't now infested, but he looked as terrified as she did.

"Those are alien eggs!"

"All right, we get it! Can someone please tell me what the hell is going on before I explode?!" (y/n) snapped as the repetition got too much for her, fighting back the tears. She was strong - undoubtedly strong - and she could deal with a lot of shit, god knowing she had done after over a decade spent living in the Man Cave, but when eggs and things got mentioned, she freaked out...a lot.

"Schwoz told us if you eat one, it will grow and hatch inside your stomach!" Jasper exclaimed, and the woman swore vomit rose in her throat as her body shook. She would need every ounce of her strength to get through this because that was her doofus, the man she swore to love no matter what, and he was—what? Incubating? Henry hovered behind her as she swayed from side to side, thinking she was about to faint, but gathering her resolve, she looked Schwoz dead in the eye and muttered lowly, trying not to lose it.

"Schwoz...please tell me that isn't true," she begged, feeling Ray's hand squeeze hers lightly, but she felt like she was floating above the room, looking down on the scene rather than being a part of it. It all felt surreal until her world came crashing into reality with the small man's grimace.

"It's true..." he revealed, and at the moment—four-o-four. (y/n) not found. She wasn't an idiot, and for all his stupidity and recklessness, Ray wasn't either, so it didn't take long for them to put two and two together. This wasn't how it was meant to be...

"Schwoz...did I just get pregnant with an alien baby?" Ray asked squeakily, feeling his blood pressure go through the roof in a revelation that was hard on him and his fiancée. They'd always wanted children, little ones running around, half him and half her, to complete the family of their dreams, but this was a little early...plus, a tad extreme. Alien babies were out of their comfort zone, and panic set in when he wondered if this would be too weird for them to survive.

"We won't know for sure for a couple of days," Schwoz revealed solemnly, and Ray looked around at his silent family. Henry pulled at an uneasy face and held up his crossed fingers, saying a silent prayer that by some miracle, the alien egg wouldn't hatch and they'd had a near miss.

Perhaps Lady Luck was shining on them that day, or maybe the Goddess of Love would take pity on the lovers, who had enough to think about as it was, let alone a mutant freak alien baby. (y/n) breathed deeply to try and control her nerves, which were understandably running rampant at the thought of her doofus...giving birth—god, she never thought she'd imagine that.

It wasn't exactly the order they'd planned things, not when they were so busy with their superhero careers, but at least if it was the other way around, and she had a little one in her tummy, there'd be a degree of normality. Something to be excited about. The way nature intended. This would be the ultimate test of their love—to see if they could take it to the brink of insanity and survive.

But maybe she was panicking over nothing. Perhaps she was being her classic (y/n)-self; think about the worst outcome, not the other possibilities. Everything could be fine, and they'd be laughing about this in two days. Yeah, that was it. This was nothing to worry about - a mere hiccup in the road. Everything was going to be all right.

~Two days later~

Or not.

Everything was not all right, and nothing was okay. And she was about to have a heart attack.

For two days, they'd waited with bated breath, looking out for every known pregnancy symptom, and (y/n), a responsible adult female in a serious, long-term relationship, was deemed an expert. Don't know why but she was. She rolled her eyes at that, having never actually been pregnant and knowing very little about the finer details, but since she was...a mother-to-be - shoot her - she watched the...father-to-be's - shoot him - every move.

No morning sickness. Ray continued to feel...fine every morning, meaning they carried on as usual in that regard, much to their friend's disgust when she had to make a cryptic note about his progress.

For the same reason, Ray didn't seem tired. He had plenty of energy and whined when his sweet girl forbade him from going out on missions with the argument that, for once, Swellview could shove its problems and leave them in peace because this was a crisis - one he was very much awake for.

Then, more problems came when he lacked the...biology to show signs of their bundle of joy. He had no boobs to ache, no uterus to check, and the appetite of a horse, so it was impossible to see if he suddenly disliked any food. Therefore, by the second morning, (y/n) was almost certain - praying - that the egg didn't begin to grow and they could resume their happy, healthy, normal relationship, but of course, that was too much to ask.

Everything was normal until that fateful morning when Ray woke up feeling like an elephant was sitting on his bladder, an octopus was alive in his tummy, and he'd gained fifty pounds in weight. He felt...off, and nothing prepared the Man Cave for the bellowing screech he let out when he shuffled to the bathroom, only to see himself in the mirror.

It was clear to see out in the light of the main room, and everything suddenly felt very real. Standing in front of the same mirror in the Man Cave, surrounded by his nearest and dearest, Ray Manchester, a thirty-seven-year-old man, stood cradling his very pregnant belly with a disturbed expression. The growth had occurred almost overnight, (y/n) having gone to bed adoring his washboard abs with every piece of her heart.

To see his tummy so large, round heavy that his t-shirt couldn't stretch over it made her feel physically sick, and it was more than Henry and Charlotte's job's worth to pat her back as she tried not to cry. This wasn't how it was supposed to go...

"We know for sure. You're pregnant."

"Oh, yeah? What gave you that stellar idea, Schwoz?" She hissed bitterly, her eyes glued to the swollen mass glued to her panicking doofus, who had so many questions yet so little time. If he could get this big in two days, when would he...y'know...pop? It was most unlike his darling girl to be rude, especially to the coconut-headed genius, but no one could blame her. If she barely knew where to look, then the teens barely knew what to say, unlike Schwoz.

"Congratulations!" He grinned and pushed the couple together, causing Ray to wrap an arm around his girl, who, to his heartbreak, could barely look at him in that condition. As quick as a flash, he pulled out a party popper and pulled the string, releasing the confetti and silver string over the unamused couple, who had never felt so distant in all of their relationship until now.

"Yay..." he cheered in a quiet voice as they glared at him.

"Fuck off, Schwoz," (y/n) snapped as she pulled away from her rapidly swelling fiancé and marched off to go and think. That's what she needed to do; sit down and think. Just think everything through, leaving her friends to watch her go sadly. Ray's mouth opened to call out after her, knowing this was difficult, but he needed her the most out of everyone since he didn't know how pregnancy worked.

He couldn't do this alone, but no words left him as she disappeared through the sprocket, and he knew he couldn't follow. She needed time alone, and he couldn't walk that far unaided if he tried. Seriously, how did women do this? He felt so off-balance and whale-like, and if he was frank, he wanted to bury himself in her arms and shed a tear or two.

This wasn't what they had planned, but there was nothing they could do now, and all they could do was come together and prepare for parenthood...for their alien baby.

Another two days later, (y/n) had primarily gotten over her initial shock. She was by no means happy to learn that Schwoz's little experiment with the space rock from all those years ago had led to her doofus becoming a human vector for god knows what abomination was inside of him, but she was slowly learning to live with it - and him.

Ray didn't suit being pregnant, and he commended her for agreeing to have their children should the opportunity arise. It was awful. His back hurt, his bladder was constantly full, he couldn't sleep at night, he had heartburn every five seconds, his ankles were swollen, the morning sickness had hit him in full swing, he wanted every food under the sun but smushed together on the same plate, and worst of all, his libido was ten times what it usually was, which was a lot. And (y/n) wouldn't touch him with a ten-foot pole.

That made him incredibly grumpy, crabby, moody, snappy and whiny, and if he was all those things, then everyone around him had to face his wrath - except for his sweet girl, who was at his beck and call for everything. Everyone else, though, was miserable because Pregnant Ray was an absolute bitch.

"Uh, I want this thing out of me!" Ray groaned as he emerged from the secret door and the bathroom in the corridor behind it. (y/n) was on his arm, helping him walk since his stomach was impossibly larger forty-eight hours later.

The hero wore an especially fetching and comfortable tank top that showed off his beefy arms for his sweet girl to drool over, except that it humorously had "Future Sidekick" and an arrow pointing to his belly printed on it. He looked so damn hot until she got to the front part, and then, she had to remember that he was ready to burst and reliant on everyone around him.

"It keeps kicking my bladder. I gotta pee every five minutes, and I'm sick of it!"

"Welcome to the pleasures of being a woman, Raymond..." she sighed as she helped him over to the couch, her more petite body taking most of his weight. He was eternally grateful and amazed that she and millions of others worldwide wanted to go through the debilitating process, but he was so fed up already, having suddenly become heavily pregnant in under a week. How women did it for over nine months was beyond him, and he didn't mean to be so mean - he just hated how this was tearing them apart.

"Yeah, relax. It's only been a couple of days," Jasper dismissed his groaning, also fed up with the whole pregnancy thing, but only because he bellyached. He would never be so dismissive if it were someone else, but Ray was just a drama queen.

"Uh, excuse me. Have you ever been pregnant?" Ray asked sassily, proving the boy's point. It wasn't his fault that he'd only had the odd peck from his precious girl over the past few days since every time she embraced him, his belly bumped hers, and then, weird shit happened. She could feel the alien moving and squirming inside him, which made her skin crawl, so after brushing her lips against his cheek, she ran off to get him juice, a fluffy pillow, or a book to read. And that made him wilt.

"No..."

"Then maybe don't tell the pregnant man to relax." A definite drama queen, but he didn't miss how his fiancée sighed at those two vital words as she helped him sit down.

"Just relax, Ray," she muttered, and he groaned lowly when he finally took the weight off his aching back and feet. His bulky, masculine body was not suited to carry the alien, and his heart wasn't prepared for how she walked on eggshells around him. She didn't seem to call him doofus as much, and everything they usually did was impossible because of his belly - it got in the way of everything, meaning he'd never been so desperate to hold her in his arms.

"Thank you, darlin'", he muttered as he relaxed on the couch as she instructed, smiling softly when she sat behind him. Her hand settled on his shoulder, waiting for the next thing he needed, and the proximity was good enough for him as Jasper brought over a much-needed snack, although it was one of his craving creations and, therefore, inedible to anyone else. He couldn't feed his sweet girl nibbles even if he tried - she hated the tastes he suddenly loved.

"What's this?" Ray queried as he accepted the plate from the kid, but he didn't remember ordering it. He was excepting something else. Cue the moodiness.

"It's pizza with peanut butter on it like you asked," he replied, causing (y/n) to wrinkle her nose at the bizarre combination, but she let her lover have what he needed. She didn't like it, but she wouldn't let him suffer, even if he was being horrible to everyone.

"I asked Henry to bring me Chinese food! Right, sweet girl? You remember, right?! We were going to share the noodles!" The pregnant hero whined and shouted as he dropped the pizza on the table in disgust. He craned his head back to gaze at his pretty girl, appealing to her since she'd agreed to share lunch with him like they always did, but she was shaking his head, much to his disappointment.

"Doofus, when he didn't come back fast enough, you asked Jasper to get pizza with peanut butter on it, and you threw your boot at him, which is why I told you off," the woman replied softly, trying to withhold her need to scream and shout because it was all too overwhelming yet she couldn't find comfort in her soulmate's arms. She didn't fit. Two's company, but three's a crowd.

"Oh..." Ray muttered as he realised she was right. He glanced down at his foot and noticed his shoe was missing, and after looking around, he saw it lying alone by the supercomputer. He did that right, and she scolded him like a mother would do to a child, proving she would make a better parent than he would. He was too soft and childish, but then again, their two halves made a whole, and they worked so well together - the perfect team put to the most challenging test.

"I'll go find Henry. Come on, (y/n/n). He'll probably need help with the food," Jasper sighed and reached for the plate of offending food as (y/n) stood up from the couch. Henry was probably okay, but after days of his crabbiness, everyone needed a break from the hormonal man and a dose of her characteristic sweetness.

"No, don't take my pizza and fiancée away from me!" However, Ray had other ideas. With lightning speed, his hand zipped out and stopped Jasper before he could toss the vile pizza in the trash. Similarly, he grabbed (y/n)'s wrist and refused to let go, feeling his heart lurch at the thought of her leaving because he needed her. He loved her, and if this pushed her away...he wouldn't get through it. He needed her; watching her leave made him ache more than any stupid alien baby could.

"Well, you just said you didn't want it! And if you want Chinese food, you're going to have to let (y/n) go get it," Jasper bit back. Yelling at his boss was his first mistake, but using the words "let (y/n) go" was his second and the gravest. Ray was already in a fragile state, and he wanted his future wife where he could hold her hand, kiss her, and tell her he was so sorry for all of this, so he did the only thing his pregnant brain could think of. He used his other boot.

"I'll go find Henry!" The kid quickly said and stomped off, annoyed that their lives now revolved around the moody man, who left his shoe alone now that he'd backed off, but he wouldn't get his way.

"Enjoy your pizza, doof. I'm gonna get our noodles," (y/n) whispered in his ear as she rose from the couch for a second time and squeezed his shoulders, aiming to follow Jasper to try and argue on her lover's case. She knew everyone hated him right now, and trust her, no one hated this weird pregnancy more than she did, but she wanted to tell them that a normal pregnancy wasn't easy, and it wasn't like Ray was ever meant to have a child like that. He was struggling as much as them, and they needed to know that. Plus, Henry had their food, and it was past lunchtime.

"But—but...baby...don't leave me," the man said weakly, his bottom lip trembling with the emotion only pregnancy could bring, and she smiled sympathetically. She never expected her husband to have their first child, but she was coping. Just about.

"I'll be back before you know it, Ray."

"Can I at least have a kiss before you go?" He asked quietly, a look of longing breaking her heart as he manoeuvred as best he could with his swollen belly. A part of her repulsed the idea of getting close to whatever unnatural thing was growing in his stomach - whatever it was, it shouldn't have been there - yet that came into conflict with her undying love for him. That's when she realised that maybe she'd been a little selfish, prioritising her fear of the unknown over caring for her doofus. This was hard for him too, and kisses always made things better.

"Of course, doofus. Whenever you want a kiss, just ask," she smiled, growing slightly teary as she leaned down to seal their lips, and he gladly indulged in it, having felt a little lonely despite everyone around him. The universe wasn't right if things weren't normal between them, and after a few seconds where he could swipe his tongue over her bottom lip, she pulled back.

"Let me go get us something to eat," the heroine told him gently, and this time, he smiled back. Things weren't perfect, nor as they should be, but they were still a team, which was close enough.

"Hurry back, sweet girl."

"Always." And with that, she hurried after Jasper, who'd nobly waited in the middle of the room for them to say goodbye. God, they made it seem like Ray was going off to war or something, and (y/n) elbowed him in the ribs when he cracked a joke about how they'd see each other again someday. Leaving Ray to shove half a pizza slice in his mouth, they headed for the elevator, unaware that some people had made it their haven after one too many telling off from the groaning man.

Without any warning, hands clamped over their mouths, and they were pulled inside, unbeknownst to Captain Man as he chowed down. The boy and woman gasped, but their unknown attackers muffled the noise as the door closed behind them, and it wasn't until they were safely inside that their identities were revealed.

"What on Earth are you two doi—" (y/n) gasped as she braced herself against the wall and came face-to-face with Henry and Charlotte, who'd been suspiciously missing all morning, but before they could interrogate her, they shushed in her face.

"Shhhhhhh!"

"We're hiding from Ray!" Charlotte hissed, wary that the guy would hear them since the elevator hadn't moved. The only thing protecting them from that big man-child-sized bundle of hormones was the metal door, and god knows that he'd damn near rip it off to get to his sweet girl again, especially if he found out they'd lured her away intentionally.

"The alien pregnancy is making him crazy! You should know that (y/n/n)," Henry added solemnly, making the woman look at him and the girl flatly. They made him sound a lot worse than he was; sure, he'd made some unreasonable demands, but that was still the man she loved out there. He just had a little extra...something with him.

"You guys are making him sound like a monster or something!" She whispered back, gesturing wildly as she defended her doofus - her instinct. "He is still the same sweet, considerate—"

"Considerate? Yeah, maybe for you..." Henry scoffed at her words, which earned him another glare because she hated how everyone took her fiancé for granted, even though he'd served the city for years. So, if the kid knew what was good for him, he'd keep his mouth shut.

"—Loving, adorable man, who I still want to marry! Look, it's not for long. We just have to wait for this...thing to be born, and then, we never have to deal with it again. And besides, it's not like things can get much worse..."

"It's only going to get worse!" A voice came from above their heads, making Jasper and (y/n) jump when they looked up to see Schwoz halfway up the wall like a goddamn ape. How did he cling to the smooth stone wall like that? Spider-Schwoz? Maybe. He waved hello at them before dropping down, landing with a slight thud, which drew many shushes and didn't sound suspicious to Ray outside, but he was too big and too busy with his pizza to get up and investigate.

He'd have his girl back with him soon enough—and with Chinese food. That was all he needed to think about.

"You need to get out there!" Jasper told his best friend harshly, feeling sick to the stomach, that he'd been taking abuse all morning when Henry had been happily camping out in the elevator's safety. "Ray's furious that you haven't come back with his Chinese food yet, and now, he thinks you've taken (y/n) away to carry it all!"

"That's why I'm hiding! Well, not the (y/n) bit—thanks for that, by the way. He's going to kill me," Henry jerked his head to look at the woman dryly, who gave a slight, indifferent shrug since she knew her doofus wouldn't go that far, not when the teen was his favourite of their adopted children, and she'd be kissing and cuddling him again by that point.

"Eh...he'll get over it once we do that thing with the noodles like in Lady and The Tramp. Y'know, slurp the noodle, and then, we get to ki—"

"The Chinese place is out of the greasy food that Ray wants! There are no noodles!" Henry exclaimed, breaking (y/n) out of her lovey-dovey daydream, where she and her doofus were snuggling on the couch like old times, swapping spring rolls and stir-fried vegetables because everything tasted better when shared. It made her smile into nothingness, but then, Henry burst her happy bubble, and she looked at him in horror at such terrible news. Oh no, Ray was in a foul mood as it was...

"Why?" Jasper asked, also horrified since they hadn't confiscated Ray's other boot.

"There's a grease shortage!" Schwoz replied, making the boy throw his head back sceptically because that was the biggest nonsense he'd ever heard. He was the dumbest guy in the Man Cave, but even he knew that a grease shortage was impossible, mainly because you couldn't bottle grease - right?

"That's not a thing!"

"It is!" Charlotte argued, and as a Smartie, she was a reliable source, meaning this sudden news was quite a shock for (y/n) and Jasper, who'd been so busy running around after the expectant father, they hadn't tuned in to KLVY. "Scientists figured out a way to turn restaurant grease into expensive biofuel, so now, someone's stealing the grease from every restaurant in Swellview!"

"Grrrr, scientists are the worst!" Jasper growled as he imagined a roomful of nerds with their tubes and Bunsen burners, turning everyone's lives to misery simply because they wanted to save the environment and do something as stupid as recycle.

"Instead of the greasy Chinese food Ray likes, all I could get was this!" Henry snapped, reaching to the side and retrieving a polystyrene container. He briskly opened the lid, and (y/n) gasped when she saw the contents, not because she was offended, but because her doofus wouldn't touch it. He might vomit at the sight of those leafy greens, chopped vegetables, and a single crispy crouton.

"A salad?! Henry, Ray's not going to eat this! It's...healthy!" She hissed at him, flicking a piece of lettuce as the kid nodded. He wasn't dumb; he knew Ray nearly as well as she did, so he was aware that he hated anything that came from the ground - save for potatoes. It was the best he could get after walking into the takeaway and realising the entire menu had been struck off, but even though he tried his best, that wouldn't be good enough for his boss.

"I know! That's why I'm hiding in the elevator!" He replied, shivering at the thought of facing his boss's wrath, especially after being separated from (y/n) for three minutes. Ray would almost certainly kill him if he went out there, so he resigned himself to living in the elevator for the rest of eternity. Unfortunately, Captain Man was insatiably curious...and greedy for his precious fiancée.

"Ahhh!" The group shouted when the elevator door suddenly slid open, revealing the pregnant "momster" himself. Henry, Jasper, Charlotte and Schwoz cowered behind (y/n) as Ray saw them, looking bewildered as to why his family were all in there when he was still waiting on his food. His protruding tummy entered the space before he did, and he reached out to squeeze his girl's hand in greeting since he could barely move to kiss her, meaning he could analyse the nervous lot behind her.

"What are you guys doing in here?" He asked suspiciously, noting the lack of bags upon bags of food like Jasper had hinted. What did they need his sweet girl for again?

"I found Henry!" Jasper laughed nervously, shoving his best friend into the lion's den since it was every man for himself situation when Ray was around. Henry tripped forward, knocking into (y/n), who was also nudged forward by Charlotte because the girl knew if anyone could calm the oncoming storm, it was her.

"And look, your beautiful fiancée! Who you love! And who loves you! Byeeeeeee!" She shouted once the woman was past the threshold, and after spamming the button a few times, the door slid shut and locked them safely inside again. That left Henry and (y/n) alone with the pregnant man, who eyed them suspiciously when his pretty girl fell into his arms from the harsh shove.

"You okay, darlin'?" He asked in concern as she angled herself away from his tummy. As much as she hated the sight or thought of the round mass, she didn't want to hurt it or him, so she smiled at him softly and patted his pec to reassure him. Charlotte was right about one thing; she sure was beautiful, and he loved her.

"Yeah, I'm okay, doofus. I told you I wouldn't be long."

"I missed you anyway," he grinned, leaning forward to peck her lips, and that's when he noticed what was in Henry's clammy hands. "Oh, our Chinese food! Finally!"

"Okay, yeah... I don't want you to get mad, but—" the boy began nervously, wringing his fingers together as Ray took the container and began toddling back to the couch. Upon seeing him straining and struggling to move with his aching back, (y/n) wrapped an arm around his middle and started helping her doofus walk, reverting to her caring role, even though she was just as worried about what was in the box.

"I know, I know. I've been so terrible lately. I'm sorry—to you too, sweet girl," Ray replied graciously, not seeing the haze of betrayal around him.

Instead, he gazed at his lover, utterly in awe of her and everything she did for him, even though she never signed up for any of it. She patted his arm and carried on, taking everything in his stride better than he ever could; although he was sure that when it came for them to have children properly, he'd worship the ground she walked on it - she'd do it with much more grace and elegance anyway.

"It's just this alien pregnancy is making me feel all the feelings...and I know you guys all hate me, but it's not my fault. I'm trying my best and—" The hero went on, growing emotional and blubbery as his hormones got the best of him as he thought about how his family - his beloved family - rallied around him. It truly meant a lot to him, but when he cracked open the container's lid, expecting to see brown, unhealthy food, and saw the salad, his sadness turned to rage.

"What is this, Henry?! I asked for fried food!"

"I know, but see, they were out of—" the young sidekick tried to explain, but Ray wasn't having any of it. Even when (y/n) slid her arms around his shoulders and tittered comforting words, saying they could always get something else, he still shouted and threw a tantrum, finally getting the sense he'd been betrayed.

"Can you not—can you not understand that?! Is that why you took my wife away from me? Because you don't understand anything?!"

"Not your wife yet, but I can understand that someone's been stealing—" Henry sighed tiredly, too emotionally drained from dealing with his dramatic boss, especially when he spun the idea that he'd dragged (y/n) kicking and screaming away from him. She was there now, right? Hanging off his shoulders, kissing his cheek and telling him to calm down. He didn't have to be such a drama queen.

"I. WANT. REAL. CHINESE. FOOD!" However, Ray had other ideas. After each punched-out word, he threw limp salad leaves into the kid's face, but he didn't react. As much as he wanted to smack him, Henry held his nerve and wiped the Caesar dressing from his cheek, seeing (y/n) mouth "I'm so sorry" behind her lover's back. It wasn't her fault, but she'd be a widow before she even got married at this rate.

"Raymond! Bad!" She snapped, grabbing the man's wrist before he could throw another green handful, enough to make him moodily cease firing and cast his eyes to the floor. But that brought on another problem when he saw the food all over the place, and even though he was the one who made it, that didn't stop him from telling them off.

"This place is a mess!"

"You made it a mess! Don't be a doofus all your life, Ray!" (y/n) growled as he tossed the worthless box into the table, sending more salad flying, not that he cared. The hero was near tears at the thought of no food, his Man Cave being a pigsty, and worse still, his sweet girl was mad at him. It was all too much, something Henry could agree with.

"B'doop!" He mumbled, echoing a text tone since he'd had enough of Pregnant Ray and this shitshow that surrounded him. (y/n) frowned at him and the odd noise he made, and when he pretended to take his phone out of his pocket, her face darkened further as if a storm cloud was forming over her head.

"Ooh, snap. I just got a text from my pops," he said as he stared at the blank screen, acting as though he had a text, but he was a terrible actor. If he was going to try and fool them, he should've at least tried to sound like he came from the twenty-first century.

"Yeah, Henry, the nineties called. They want their slang back. No one says, "aw, snap" anymore," she sassed, folding her arms as Ray shuffled to look at him weirdly. He leaned back into her body, seeking warmth and comfort as the teen gave them a nervous smile, looking particularly sketchy as he acted way too casual.

"I still do. Anyway, peep this—my dad is building...a...roller skating rink in the backyard? And I have to go help him...do that?" He read out the invisible text, which was suspicious of his outdated phrases. Ray ignored his aching joints and hauled himself up from the couch - with a bit of help from his darling girl.

"So...dude, I'm outtie five-thousand!"

"Outtie five-thousand?" Ray echoed in confusion, having not heard that phrase for twenty years or more, "you always use outdated slang when you're lying to us..."

"Pfff, that's whack! Dude, I'm giving you the straight good-good here, home-skillet," Henry scoffed as he tapped his belt, and honestly, (y/n) wasn't even sure if he was speaking English anymore. A tube fell above his head, encasing him in glass so that they couldn't get to him, and in the rebellious moment, all Ray could do was cling to his fiancée.

"Wait, wait, Henry! Rub my feet?" He asked in a whiny voice as he stuck his tootsie out towards the boy, who took one look at his swollen ankles and decided he'd instead take a bath with a toaster. That wobbling bottom lip wouldn't work on him; he wasn't sweet or a girl.

"I can't—gotta bizzounce! Get (y/n) to do it. Up the tube!" And with that, the boy disappeared, flying up and out of the building—as far away from the parents-to-be and the baffling situation before he was burping and bouncing a green, glowing baby.

"He's such a little shit, sometimes," Miss Danger muttered a few seconds after he disappeared, going to move her doofus back to the couch before he strained his back again. Ray looked miserable, and she felt for him, but now, it was just the two of them, and that's when they were always at their best anyway.

"Now, you want me to get you some decaf coffee and then, I'll rub your feet?" Once Ray plonked his butt back down, she offered, and his ensuing adoring look made her heart flutter. It wasn't much, but to him, offering to look after him was more than anyone else wanted to do, and Ray knew he couldn't love anyone else if he tried. He was being a bitch, but it didn't bother her, or if it did, she didn't let it show.

"You'd do that for me, sweet girl?"

"Anything for you and the...thing, Ray. I'll be back in a minute," (y/n) grinned and kissed his forehead before leaving to get him a preggo-safe drink from the auto-snacker. He watched her movements with starry eyes, wondering what he did to deserve such a sweet girl, and when he shed a tear this time, it wasn't because of the pregnancy hormones.

~A few hours later~

For a few hours, nothing much happened. Ray finally settled down after a bowl of chocolate ice cream drizzled with hot sauce and had a nap after his angel massaged his throbbing feet for half an hour. Peace returned to the Man Cave, and she didn't know even screech when she felt the...thing kicking against her palm. Schwoz joked that the baby recognised its surrogate mother's touch, but she didn't rip his head off - a remarkable feat of resilience.

Everything was fine. And then, it wasn't.

"Raymond, it's just an emergency call. It's not the end of the world!" (y/n) sighed as she stormed away from the supercomputer, her lover hot on her heels as Charlotte rolled her eyes. As usual, Ray was being dramatic and childish, having thrown his dummy out after a call came in about a grease robbery or something downtown.

The robbery wasn't the issue; it was pretty straightforward, a petty crime and something the heroes usually could deal with without a problem. Normally being the critical word. Ray could barely pee without aid, so (y/n) banned him from crime-fighting, arguing that they had enough to think about on a battlefield; a heavily pregnant man would complicate matters.

It was reasonable and rational, easy for anyone, including Charlotte, to see, but Ray deemed her practicality as prejudice.

"Then why can't I go out and fight crime?! I'm not broken, y'know!" He asked like a child, stamping his foot and whining in her ear as he limped after her. He'd put his Captain Man suit on, ready to go out and kick ass because he was itching to take down a criminal after five days of nothing but sitting on his ass. But his sweet girl said no. Et tu, Brutus?

"Because of your...condition! I know it's hard to hear, doofus, but you can't go out and fight!" (y/n) replied exasperatedly, gesturing to his vast stomach, which had swelled even more in the last few hours with the alien inside becoming more active too. His tunic couldn't even zip up over the curve, so he had to leave it open and loose since it was tailored to fit his trim and fit torso. He was unprotected; didn't that prove her point?

"So, I have nothing to eat. I'm not allowed to do my job—is there anything I can do?!" The man cried as he took to pacing around the room, bored out of his mind after sitting and stewing for hours. He was a physical man by nature who loved action and adventure, so being cooped up made him even crabbier, if that was possible.

"Yes. You can sit down and be quiet while I call Henry to take care of these assholes," she instructed him as she opened his abandoned salad and skewered a piece of lettuce with the shitty plastic fork. If she didn't eat it, then it would only go to waste, and that was money down the drain, so as she set up the holo-caller in front of her, she tucked in and watched as he sneered at the sight of the healthy load.

"Come on, kid. Pick up..." she sighed as the machine took a few moments to get through to the kid, who was undoubtedly making excuses at home so he could get to the porch. Ray continued circling the room, grumbling that his back hurt, he needed to pee, or the...thing was kicking his intestines to a pulp.

"Oh, hey, Hen!" She smiled casually once the kid finally answered, his little hologram appearing above the device in front of her. Ray scoffed at his appearance, knowing that he would get to fight crime, and he wasn't.

"Hey, (y/n/n). What's up?" Henry smiled, too, although he was surprised to see her acting so chill when she was living with the world's grumpiest man.

"A couple of thieves are stealing grease from that restaurant where they fry everything."

"Fry Me A River?" The kid asked, knowing several restaurants like that, but it wasn't the one he was thinking of. Honestly, he needed to get out and let off some steam; it had been a peculiar few days.

"Nah, Grease On Earth. You've got to go stop them," she told him before eating a veggie cube, knowing that whilst it wasn't the most substantial meal, it was technically better than what she originally ordered. Henry preened at the idea of a solo mission, knowing he rarely got to go on them since Ray still treated him like a thirteen-year-old rookie, and whilst his heart was in the right place, the kid just wanted to be independent as he neared eighteen.

"Okay—is that Ray's salad?" He nodded as Piper crept out onto the porch, having heard voices when he noticed what she was eating, recognising the cheap plastic box anywhere after he carried it to their home. He was surprised it hadn't been tossed on the floor, but then again, Ray always behaved better for her.

"Yeah, he didn't want it, so I'm eating it. And y'know what? It's a surprisingly good salad. I'm telling you, come my wedding day, I'm going to look like Megan Fox—" she joked and went to eat another piece when a large, grumpy lump, known as Ray, came barrelling up beside her and prodded her arm roughly.

"I said I didn't want any salad, sweet girl!" He whined, trying to shove the box out of her hands, so she had no choice but to put it on the table whilst he pined for her attention. He was ready to pop, and the kids on the porch gasped at the size of him, Piper not knowing where to look as she took in his enormous bump. She didn't want to jump to conclusions, but someone had had one too many hamburgers.

"I know, doofus! That's why I was eating it!" She chastised him, flicking bits of dropped salad back into the container so she'd have something to eat. His pregnancy brain was getting worse, and she knew the go-time was close at hand - the moment she'd been dreading.

"I don't even know why you're eating it! It's disgusting, and you'll be beautiful on our wedding day either way," he mumbled, scuffing his boot against the tiles as he grew misty-eyed at the thought of their big day. Oh god, it made him want to cry, thinking about her in white, floating down the aisle before he promised to love her forever and a day, but something caught his eye. And heavens above, it was fried.

"Ooh, is that a crouton?" And they say romance is dead.

"Whoa...Captain Man got double-c thick!" Piper exclaimed as she stared at the man's hologram. Seeing him shove the crouton in his mouth after picking it up from the floor was weird, but seeing him so fat was weirder, given how much (y/n) rambled about his love for the gym. Oh, what she didn't know.

"Uh, for your information, I'm not double-c thick. I'm capital P-regnant!" Ray told her haughtily, and the girl's eyes practically fell out of her head. Her gaze snapped to (y/n), who had to close her eyes and take a deep breath before carrying on; she'd never gotten used to hearing that disturbing phrase.

"You're pregnant?! (y/n), what's going on?!"

"He ate an alien egg. It's growing inside of him. We're about to have a...thing as our first child—this is my life now!" The woman replied flatly as she tossed the remaining food around with the fork since the changing conversation had made her lose her appetite. She'd gotten used to the pregnancy just about, but knowing that the living...thing would come out of her fiancé still made her skin crawl.

Yeah, he's being kind of a gunch about the whole thing," Henry added, much to Ray's offence as he heard him. He should try giving birth when he wasn't supposed to; they'd see who was a gunch.

"What did you say about me?"

"Hmmm?" But as usual, the boy played it cool, and Ray didn't have the energy or patience to press it further. He slowly chewed the last crumbs of the crouton, glaring at his lucky sidekick as he cradled his bump, and (y/n) sighed at the mess she found herself in.

"Grease heist. Clocking ticking..."

"Right, on my way!" Henry nodded and clicked his fingers, knowing that criminals tend not to hang around after doing something illegal, and he was about to snap his watch shut when Ray stepped forward, fully intent on defying his sweet girl and going out there to help the kid. He was still indestructible and had his super stretchy maternity pants on, so he would be fine—well, he had the determination, at least.

"All right, kid. I'll meet you there."

"Raymond, we have discussed this. You're pregnant, you're not going, and that's the end of it," (y/n) barked at him, latching onto his arm in a bid to keep him where it was safe—where he was away from any journalists, but the hero had other ideas.

"I'm a grown man, and I'll do what I—-arghhhh!" He snapped back, but before he could finish his argument, a stab of pain streaked through his stomach, taking control of his body and forcing him to double over to try and stop it. Immediately, (y/n) lost all of her fights and had her hand on his back, supporting him through whatever was wrong with him, although she had a clue.

"Oh, big guy, you okay?"

"Doofus, what's wrong?" She and Henry asked, equally concerned as he gritted his teeth and panted, holding his belly with a scrunched-up face.

"Ahhh! My stomach's killing me! I knew I shouldn't have eaten that stupid salad!" He whimpered, rubbing his bump as Charlotte glanced over from the computer, looking worried. (y/n) didn't have to be a doctor to know what was going on, but she gulped down her terror and remained calm, thinking her panic would only make him worse if she told him that being pregnant was nothing compared to suddenly not being pregnant.

"You ate one floor crouton, you big doofus!" She told him breezily, hoping her soft and friendly tone would help keep him sweet, but then, Schwoz popped up out of nowhere - like the loitering creature he was - and as always, he brought the good news that didn't undo all of her hard work.

"It's not the floor crouton," he told her as she stroked Ray's back, and the genius laid his ear against her lover's belly to hear whatever lurked inside.

"You're in labour! You're about to give alien birth!" He gasped, but Ray didn't care what he said as he was hit with another contraction, this one stronger than the last, as the labour quickly ramped up. She'd known what was coming all along, but all the same, (y/n) felt her head woozy at the news, and she wobbled for a second or two before her super-regeneration kicked in.

She never fainted. Her brain always recovered from the drop in blood pressure before the blackout hit, so even though the news made her want to die, she had to live through the moment and support her fiancé because that's what he'd do if it were her.

"Well, isn't that just spit-on-your-neck, kick-you-in-the-crotch fantastic?" She grinned sourly and huffed a bitter laugh, knowing that she was about to become sort of wicked stepmother or something. Ray whimpered and turned to rest his forehead on her shoulder, feeling like he was about to drop a bowling ball—something he couldn't do. Seriously, how did women do this?

"This is amazing..." Piper smirked as she took out her phone and hit record, wanting to save the mind-boggling moment forever. She'd never share it, but if she ever needed a good laugh, she could always look back on the video, especially when Ray looked up from his girl's sweet-smelling hair and saw his shame being caught on camera.

"Don't look at me!" He snapped before hiding his face in (y/n)'s neck again, which left Schwoz to delegate since he knew what was about to happen. It was all his fault, and the woman made a mental note to kill him once this was all over.

"Charlotte, go get some towels. Jasper, put on some Cardi B. (y/n), keep supporting Ray. We're having an alien baby!" He chuckled, earning a slap on the head from the woman since she didn't find any of this exciting or interesting, not even as a learning opportunity. She wanted to hide under her bedsheets until it was all over and then curl up and cry into her doofus' shoulder when he was okay again. But no, that wasn't possible, and neither was the possibility of her going out to help Henry take down those thieves.

"Look, Hen, I'm sorry, but you'll have to handle those thieves yourself. I've got to help the daddy-to-be."

"No problem. I got a great entrance line, and I'm going to walk right up to them and say, you probably think you're so..."

"Argggh!" Henry sighed when Ray screeched in pain again, interrupting what would've impressed him had he not been incapacitated. Still, at least he wasn't (y/n), who had the impossible task of controlling her man-child as he breathed through the pain before lunging forward to grab Schwoz by the collar.

"You did this to me!" He shouted at the poor man, who cringed at his bad breath after eating the garlicky crouton. However, Ray had a point, and Schwoz cowered under his and his fiancée's glares as they pinned the blame on him, knowing that if he hadn't left those poxy "lychees" lying around, then none of this would've happened. What would he do if this chink broke the couple up? Huh? Henry would have his head.

"Okay, I'll say it when I get there..." The kid sighed, and with that, the holocall ended, leaving his family to deal with Ray and whatever was about to come out of him.

"I have a birthing chair set up over there!" Schwoz told (y/n) as Charlotte hurried into the room with about fifteen towels of various shapes, colours and sizes since she didn't know what type a birth needed. Save for a few biology lessons. She knew very little about what was about to happen, so she looked to (y/n), who was deathly pale, slightly sweaty but still holding it together, even if she cringed at the "birthing chair".

"Right, fine. Char, come help me with the patient," she grunted as the genius scampered away to go and prepare for the long road ahead, meaning she had to take his entire weight on her own, which wasn't easy when he was shouting every curse word under the sun. The girl did as she was told and ran to throw Ray's other arm over her shoulders so that they could get him and his temper across the room.

Her humour was intact; that was a good thing, and Charlotte smiled slightly at her sarcasm until Ray opened his big mouth.

"Come on! I want this thing out of me! I want my body back!" Ray snarled, even glaring at his precious girl as they dragged him across the room when all he wanted to do was curl up on the floor and die. He missed normality and doing the things he loved, like having his sweet girl practically laying on him when they slept, drinking proper coffee, moving without hurting, peeing less than a million times a day, needing someone to put his socks on, and, most importantly, having a happy, uncomplicated life with his fiancée.

He wanted to wake up and do grown-up things with her without worrying about lumps and bumps getting in the way. He wanted to walk - not waddle - in a room and see her light up at the sight of him, not light up and dim when her eyes drifted to his...condition. He wanted to take off his shirt and feel attractive again because it freaked her out right now—he knew it did. He wanted to wait a few years until they were settled for a family, as they'd discussed at midnight. He just wanted to forget this ever happened.

"This is not okay! Do you hear me?!"

"Yes, we hear you, Ray. Stop yelling!"

"Yeah, doofus. Everything's going to be okay," the girls tried to comfort him, but what should've taken two seconds felt like ten years as they guided him to the chair, which seemed like a mile away when he dragged his heels and kept barking orders at them.

"None of this is okay! I want to hit someone!"

"Hit Schwoz! He got us into this mess," (y/n) said, not caring whether he did it since she wholeheartedly believed the genius deserved it. Him and his stupid, nonexistent labels on jars.

"Fine, I'll hit Schwoz!" Ray growled, listening to her through the pain since she made him feel safe, so he uncurled his arm from Charlotte's shoulder, much to the girl's relief, and clumsily aimed at the small man as they neared the birthing chair. Luckily for Schwoz, Ray was dizzy and blinded by the contractions, so he had plenty of time to duck before the mighty fist hit him, sending the hero into a spin that ultimately landed him in the chair.

"Well, that was easy," (y/n) noted, and she felt better knowing he was in the right place. Wanting his comfort and health above everything, she turned to get her doofus some ice chips from the auto-snacker since that's what they always did on medical TV shows when the expectant mother got thirsty, but the moment she turned her back on him. Ray cried out for her return.

"Please, (y/n), don't leave me! I can't do this alone," He begged, his hand flying out to grab her elbow as he assumed she was going to leave him to get on with it. He understood; he didn't want her to see him like this either, but the thought of going through alien birth of all things without her made his heart bleed. If he'd ever needed her, the time was now, and he sniffed at her wide eyes, thinking he had disgusted her.

'Don't worry, darlin'. I disgust me too.'

"I'm not going anywhere, Ray. We're in this together," she assured him, rushing back to his side to clutch his hand. He could squeeze hers as hard as he wanted - and he did when another contraction wracked his body - because she wanted him to know that whilst this was probably the weirdest thing they'd ever do, he wasn't alone. He'd never be alone for as long as she lived.

"I—I love—-ah, ah—can't you guys give me anything for the pain?!" He whimpered as he writhed in agony, wanting to get those three little words out for the woman who refused to give up on him, but it was just too much.

"Doofus, don't you remember? Your densitised skin has bent every needle in the Man Cave every time we've tried," (y/n) soothed him, stroking his forehead as she recalled all the occasions Schwoz wanted to take blood for tests or administer vaccines and vitamins for the birth. None of them was sharp or strong enough to puncture his body, leading to a lot of flexible needles left in her first aid kit and a very whiny doofus.

"Hey! I got the gummy-worm cheeseburger you wanted," Jasper announced as he arrived in the room with some good news. He'd been in the kitchen for god knows how long creating one of Ray's food-craving abominations, and Ray wanted the mishmash of flavours more than anything right now. Just something to take his mind off what was happening to him.

"Oh, thank you, my sweet boy," the hero sighed, reaching for the bizarre burger as (y/n) bit back a smug smile. She didn't care that that was his name for her, mainly because he used it on Jasper. Not Henry or even Schwoz, but Jasper - the child he swore he hated. Curly was pretty sweet, and with a proud, touched face, he went to hand his boss the sandwich, only for Schwoz to slap it out of his hand.

"No, you can't eat that!" The bitch.

"Noooooooo! Whyyyyyyy?!" Ray cried as his sweet and salty snack splattered across the floor, meaning he couldn't eat it, not when his darling girl banned him from any more floor food. Was he not allowed one small comfort? They groaned and grumbled when he wanted to make out with his sweet girl, so he opted for a different taste sensation. Was that not enough?

"Because, normally, this alien baby would burst out of your stomach, but since your indestructible...there's only two ways for it to exit out your body," Schwoz explained, causing everyone to grimace as they pictured two exit holes on Ray's body. One north, one south, and the latter didn't bear thinking about.

"I'm guessing it will come out of your mouth."

"Thank god for that," (y/n) muttered. She didn't like either option, but she was confident Ray wouldn't show his face to anyone for a year if an alien came out of his...so she steeled herself for what was about to come, namely a mutant creature crawling up his oesophagus.

"But what if it doesn't come out of his mouth?" Jasper asked, appearing as the moron of the moment as he didn't read between the lines like everyone else, which made Schwoz pause for a moment. There was no delicate way to put it, and there were ladies in the room.

"Well..."

"I'm out of here!" Charlotte declared, making a beeline for the elevator. She could do many things, but watching an alien baby drop from her boss's ass was not one of them. However, in a surprising twist, (y/n) called out for her, wanting her at his and Ray's side during this difficult time. She needed support and couldn't find it from any of the guys.

"No, no, Charlotte, please. Please don't leave me! You're the only normal one here!"

"Yeah. That's why I'm leaving," the girl replied as her friend gazed at her desperately, knowing she'd go insane if she couldn't talk to someone about what she was going through. Ray was incapacitated. Schwoz was to blame. Jasper tried his best, but he was like a goldfish. Charlotte was the only option without Henry or Piper - girl code?

"No, no, no! If I have to watch my doofus give birth, then I want someone to hold my hand too! So, what do you want?" (y/n) said bravely, swallowing her pride as she prepared to buy the girl's support, even if it meant flexing her doofus' wallet and patience a little bit. She rarely did it, so he didn't mind, and the girl was all ears.

"Hmm? Name your price. Ray and I will...we'll give you a raise! The Man-Copter! You can have whatever you want, no questions asked, and no whining from him!"

"I'll take a raise," Charlotte shrugged, liking the idea of a few more dollars per hour than a helicopter she couldn't fly. Whilst she loved watching the man who made her job difficult squirm, she wasn't cruel, so against her better judgement, she'd stay for the mother-to-be. Or whatever (y/n) was about to become.

"Done!" And with that, she walked over to the woman's side, squeezing her shoulder on the way past as she asked Schwoz what she could do to help. Meanwhile, Jasper eyed the expectant couple curiously, seeing how easy it was for his friend to get more money when he was on a mere pittance.

"I'm outta here too!" He said suspiciously as he inched toward the elevator, hoping they would whine and beg for him to come back. Bribery was shameful, but he was shameless, but when Ray spun in the birthing chair, he saw who it was and made a quick decision.

"See ya!" Ray said quickly before refocusing on his sweet girl and the rapidly approaching arrival. Jasper's face fell when they chattered about anything but him leaving, and he realised he didn't want to go properly. The appearance of their first child was supposed to be the happiest moment of their lives, something he wouldn't miss for the world, even if he weren't very subtle.

"Okay, fine. I'll stay."

"Schwoz, you got to get this thing out of me. We've got to go help Henry! He could be in trouble," Ray grunted as his tummy began feeling funny. It was like the...thing was wriggling up through his intestines, going the opposite way it should've done - at least how he expected - and he was sure he would be split in two. He'd never felt pain like it and squeezed his fiancée's fingers so hard; he swore he heard a crunch. Bless her, though; she didn't make a fuss, guided his breathing and tried to rest his worrying mind.

"Don't worry, sweetheart. He's a smart kid, and he knows what he's doing. Let's focus on you, yeah?"

"Listen to your lady fiancée," Schwoz nodded at (y/n)'s words, who frowned at his bizarre bedside manner, but more so when she glanced his way and saw the terrifying grabber forceps things he was holding. They were huge, primed to pounce and pull the alien baby out, but they also looked like torture devices—her poor doofus.

"Now, open your mouth and say, ahhhhh!"

"Ahhhhh!" Ray screamed when he saw the torture device, feeling his stomach drop at the thought of it being shoved or stuck in him somewhere. Or perhaps that was his baby moving around. All he knew was he had his sweet girl by his side, and she wasn't going anywhere - thank god for that. Things were about to get weird.

"You're doing well, doofus. Don't give up now—breathe easy...or as well as you can," (y/n) dithered as she cheered her lover on from the sidelines, but she had to admit; this was the weirdest shit she'd ever seen. Her heart lurched at the sight of Ray's bump as it swelled impossibly bigger, but that wasn't the issue.

She'd seen documentaries and dramas on TV. She knew childbirth wasn't the prettiest or cleanest thing in the world. But dear god, if anyone told her she'd have to watch her future husband give birth through his mouth, she wouldn't punch them. It was terrifying - and now she knew why fathers fainted in the waiting room.

Watching the bump move and pulsate was weird, but watching as the creature inside began its journey north damn near killed her. Like something from a horror movie, it crawled from Ray's lower intestine to his upper stomach and further. When they thought it would stop, it didn't - as per Schwoz's prediction, and (y/n) nearly threw up as her doofus' throat bulged and wriggled as the thing struggled to get out.

"I see one of the baby's arms!" Schowz gasped as he peered down the man's frog-like throat, having laid Ray on his back to make it easier. Jasper and Charlotte stood by his feet, the girl supportively holding (y/n)'s hand as she paled at the genius' words.

"What do you mean one of?" She asked worriedly as her lover moaned and groaned from the pain in his neck, but hey, at least his perfect abs were back. Maybe it was naïve, but she'd always imagined the alien baby as like a little Martian or something - something vaguely human-shaped but with green skin or red eyes, which would possibly be easier to accept. However, Schwoz made it sound weird because normal babies only have two - why didn't it sound like that?

"Only eleven more to go!" Of course, it had eleven. Why not? It could also have three heads and seventeen legs to make her have a coronary and an aneurysm.

"Just get this fucking...thing out of him before I kill you, Schwoz!" (y/n) snapped, her patience wearing thin now she had a horrifying picture in her head, and a pathetic moan from her doofus made it worse. He was in pain, and it was all Schwoz's fault; the least he could do was deliver the alien so she could...step on it. She could live with a green baby, but not one with eleven arms - they'd never find a school to take it.

"Yeah, I want to see an alien baby!" Jasper exclaimed, too, although he was trembling for a very different reason. That wasn't his soulmate on the slab, so he wasn't worried—more like shaking with trepidation at the thought of seeing a real-life creature from another planet.

"It's stuck! I can't get it out!" The small man grunted as he shoved his fingers down Ray's gullet to try and prise the alien from his lower throat - as seen by the ever-growing bulge there - but it shrank away from his fingers. It knew that something was after it and wanted to stay in Ray like a cuckoo in the nest, which was incredibly distressing for (y/n) to watch.

"Pull harder!" Charlotte told him, rubbing the woman's back as she was forced to take a step back, so the doctor had enough room to operate. Her hands were clamped over her mouth and nose in a prayer-like lattice as if she was trying to smother her sobs and plead for mercy from whichever demon cursed them like this.

"Come over and help me!" Schwoz ordered them, fed up with all the shouting and curse words directed at him, and no sooner than he said it, they...stayed where they were.

(y/n) swore she'd have nothing to do with the disturbing process, merely that she'd hold Ray's hand and nothing more, and even though she wanted it out more than anyone, save for the hero himself, she refused to put her hands anywhere near those tentacles. His head was spinning from the lack of oxygen, and he knew he'd need a twelve-hour nap after this.

"Not a chance. I'm not going near that thing."

"Fine. I have another idea," the handyman sighed and pulled up his gloves as Ray gagged and he switched to plan B. This was going to get messy. "Hold onto your leechees..."

"It's pronounced lychees—" Jasper advised him, much like Henry and (y/n) did days earlier when the whole mess started, but Schwoz wasn't listening.

In a sudden yet brilliant move, he leaned over and sat the chair up at a blinding speed. The rapid change in velocity meant Ray's body lurched forward, sending the creature in his throat hurtling out into a bright, strange, new world in the blink of an eye, leaving him as indestructible as ever, (y/n) overwhelmed at the relief that instantly flooded her body and Jasper...with the alien on his face.

He said he wanted to see a real-life alien, and he couldn't get a closer look than that.

"Aw, it's so cute," Schwoz cooed as Jasper, and the girls screamed, obviously seeing something different to them since the...thing on his face was terrifying. Eleven pink tentacles writhed across the boy's face as the jade-coloured body clamped to his nose, a million red eyes taking in the room it was born in. It was small and covered in a thick mucus that made it hard for Jasper to grab, so it stayed stuck to him, even as he clawed to get it off before its sharp, wide mouth ate him.

"Cute?! Are we looking at the same alien?! That...thing is—it's a monster!" (y/n) choked on her saliva as she wrapped an arm around her doofus, eyes glued to the creature that had spewed from her lover, who looked around dopily as his head cleared for the first time in days.

"And I am o-kay!" He groaned and got to his feet as his indestructibility made the pain fade within seconds, and he'd never felt so light on his feet when he slid out of the birthing chair. His beautiful stomach was flat again, his back didn't hurt, his ankles weren't swollen, and better still, he wasn't feeling crabby. However, the best thing had to be the teary girl helping him up, looking so perfect with her tear-stained cheeks and tousled hair.

As he slid into her embrace and her hand rested on his cheek, marvelling at how handsome he was, the tubes beeped and dropped, signalling Henry's return. The mission had gone well, thanks to Piper, and despite a few bumps in the road, the grease heist had been thwarted, meaning they could celebrate the new, hideous arrival with some sorely needed food.

"Hey, I got Chinese food!" The kid announced once he landed, looking across the room and seeing several things that baffled him.

First, he saw that Ray was no longer pregnant since his tunic was still unzipped and showing his deliciously toned body, which was a massive relief. Second, he noted how (y/n) was smiling brighter than she had done in days, her arms curled around her fiancé's waist as they turned and walked towards him with their love stronger than ever. Nothing unusual there, and he didn't even mind when Ray pulled her into a mad, passionate, tongue-filled kiss and gently squeezed her butt.

They deserved it after so much suffering, but seeing a weird, green, snarling blob on his best friend's face shocked him, and that was hard to do after so many years in the Man Cave. What was that...thing?

"Oh, yes, I'm starving!"

"Me too, doofus. I want some of those noodles," the couple grinned and headed for the couch, still wrapped up in each other as Charlotte and Schwoz joined them, and the kid placed the bag on the table.

The alien was old news now the food had arrived, and Ray had so much to catch up on anyway. He was going to do the noodle-kiss thing with his sweet girl, he was going to drag her to the showers after, and he was going to let her use his body as a mattress when they went to bed - highly needed after lacking his soulmate for so many days.

"Whoa, what's on Jasper's face?" Henry asked with a deep frown on his features as his friend shrieked and scrambled for safety, but the green blob wouldn't let go. Ray didn't seem particularly bothered as he hovered over his sweet girl and ripped open the takeaway bag, hoping he could serve her a plateful as any protector and provider should, especially when she'd pandered to his every whim in the last week.

"That is our son," he replied, patting (y/n)'s shoulder as she shuddered at the idea of mothering a squealing, rabid creature that liked to eat people's faces.

"Aw, congrats."

"Don't rub it in, Hen," she rolled her eyes as Ray handed her a carton of chop suey, and the boy giggled at her mortified expression. Neither she nor Ray looked particularly bothered about the alien, so he guessed that Schwoz would adopt it as one of his many insane pets. Speaking of the mad scientist, he studied the alien as it terrorised the boy in front of them and came to a startling conclusion.

"I think it's a girl..." he corrected, although no one was quite sure how he could tell.

"That is our daughter," Ray quickly corrected, which was much worse—nothing at all like the little girl he'd imagined in his dreams. It didn't have her (y/c/e) for a start.

Henry choked back a laugh as (y/n) glowered at the creature, looking like she wanted to put it in the toilet and flush, and he couldn't help himself. Seeing the couple most suited to being parents in the world shuddering at the idea was just so funny.

"Aw, congrats."

"We are never speaking of this again," the woman told him sternly, pointing a sharp chopstick under his nose as Ray squeezed her shoulder and gave her a soft smile. Some things are better left untouched and unsaid.

Henry didn't press the matter; instead, he laughed into his stir-fry and began narrating some epic tale about how he took down two grease thieves single-handedly...with a bit of help from his baby sister. Everyone listened eagerly, ignoring the alien on Jasper's face since it wasn't meant to be.

One day, mini Manchesters would run riot everywhere because Ray wanted an army of kids and (y/n) wanted that too. They'd have a cute house, a cute dog, and a table big enough to seat fifty since they'd have the big family they'd always wanted - a peaceful life in a quiet spot where their real and adopted children would always have a place to stay, no matter where they drifted in life. They'd make sure they had a home and a hot meal to return to.

Yeah, Ray and (y/n) would make great parents. After all, they'd already had five years of experience.

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