#BUT WHATEVER PIPER ATE

[aryxchse]

just finished reading blood of olympus and these are my thoughts / feelings.

i have one thought and it's that leo fucking valdez should've said the whole plan to hazel and frank. i know his plan was finding c*lypso again, but like, make sure piper and jason knows you're alive, yk? those are your friends for festus' sake

as feelings; i fucking loved solangelo, reyna made me fall in love with her so hard, the iconic line of 'you're not my type' was something worth to read it, ATHENA AND BELLONA ACTUALLY MADE ME PROUD??? wish athena would back up her own daughter this much, but then again the gods x their children fighting with gigants exist and that made me fucking want to FIGHT NEXT TO THEM.

the gods' characters could've been more good, like i kinda feel like hera scares zeus in some type of way, and he was fucking disrespectful. hera's plan was actually good, just cruel. anyway did i mention how i loved reyna avila ramirez-arellano??? i am in love guys, percabeth ate their 5 minutes of screen time and piper is so fucking powerful i wanna cry.

JASON GRACE THE MAN YOU ARE. THAT'S ALL IM GONNA SAY ABOUT MY PRECIOUS ANGEL. jason and percy's friendship and brotherhood made me want to throw up because of love, i adored them omgs 🤭 also nico and reyna's friendship is made me cried too. i wanted to see MORE HERA AND POSEIDON AND IDEK WHY.

camp jupiter and camp half blood just being kids together at the end... gods that made me wanna ugly cry so fucking bad, and them leaving too. did i mention how i loved jason grace? anyways i hated leo in this book for choosing c*lypso over his friends.

and for the last, my favorite line of percy;

"Greeks! let's uh, fight stuff!"

[muclunga]

[tap/click for better quality] Four losers attempt to have a sleepover☠️ (they’ve never been to a sleepover before😭🙏)

(used this pic as reference/inspo)

Annabeth is exhausted

Reyna is stressin

Hazel ate too much junk food

And Piper is doing whatever🤷‍♀️

[mediumgayitalian]

fic rec friday 15

hi!! welcome to fic rec friday. every week, i pick five fics i have bookmarked and rec them with a little review. check them out!

We Don't Know How This Could End (let's hope it won't have to) by @buoyantsaturn

"I’m not married, I thought you were married!” “You’re the one wearing a ring!” “Well, so are you!” followed by: relationship fluff, divorce jokes, and of course, a(n un)healthy dose of miscommunication

OBSESSED OBSESSED OBSESSED OBSESSED OBSESSED. secret relationship has ALWAYS been my everything and love at first sight plus married plus literally everything. i’m. gonna lose it. this fic was so ROMCOM but in the BEST POSSIBLE WAY, like there were stakes and angst but it was still lighthearted? somehow? like i KNEW it was gonna end well bc i had SO MUCH faith in them. like the best possible romcoms. i adore this fic always

2. could this be love at first sight? (oh wait, I said that before) by @buoyantsaturn

Nico sighed, unable to believe what was actually about to come out of his mouth. “Will you come with me to a friend’s wedding?” “Like...as your date?” 

THE RINGPOP THING WAS SO ROMANTIC 😭😭 truly this fic made me SWOON. every good amazing lovely incredible trope at once i ADORED. secret relationship especially my fucking BELOVED, but FAKE RELATIONSHIP to SECRET RELATIONSHIP??? I WENT INSANE??? cj as per usual u ATE. also i know this isn’t the focus but if i was piper i would have gone BALLISTIC 💀 "why is everyone talking about your relationship at my wedding" yeah me personally i would have blown up LMFAO

3. I'll Be There For You by @buoyantsaturn

remember that one part in FRIENDS where ross gets married and monica sleeps with chandler because she's lonely, and then they do a really bad job of keeping their relationship a secret? that's this fic, except it's solangelo

is this one similar in vibes to fic rec #2? yes. do i care at all? no. i could (and have done) sit in front of CJs fics and just scroll & keep scrolling. never misses. this was so FUN and i LAUGHED and POOR LEO. what a good time

4. Will Happen, Happening, Happened by @buoyantsaturn

“Nico!” Will’s voice came from behind him, followed by the slamming of a door. “Nico, I figured it out!” Will ran toward him, grabbing his arms and dragging him down once he got close enough, and pressed their lips together. “All I had to do was-- Annabeth! How long have you been standing there?” “I knew it!” Annabeth exclaimed. “No, wait, uh--” Will shoved Nico away suddenly. “This isn’t what it looks like?” (Or: 5 times their relationship gets found out and 1 time it didn't)

adventure time au!!! hell yeah!!! and yeah at this point i realise i was indeed scrolling thru the secret relationship tag in buoyantsaturn's works page when i was making these bookmarks. whatever. i have Moods. secret relationship and 5+1 are literally my fave tropes of all time, okay, i loved this, it was funny and camp and honestly what more do you need

5. Knight In Shining Armor by @buoyantsaturn

“The knights will need to keep a close eye on these travelers for the duration of their stay. You, however, Sir William, must keep close watch on the Prince." "Of course, Your Highness," Will said.

the my lord to my love pipeline…..but my knight remaining constant……oh i’m weak in the knees. royal aus will ALWAYS kill be and they are one thousand billion trillion times better when one of them is a knight it is ICONIC. ICONIC i say. and another secret relationship fic sue me i hope yall are int he mood lmfao

thank you for joining me this friday!! happy reading!!

[wrens-writings]

Pretty Boy

: ̗̀➛ Jason Grace x clearsighted mortal!gn!reader

: ̗̀➛ In which you witness something horrible and wake up wishing it was just a dream, only to be met with the prettiest man you’ve ever laid your eyes on

: ̗̀➛ oh my gods??? hi??? yall absolutely ATE UP my percy fic??? i was actually SO nervous abt posting my writing, but the positive feedback made me so happy :,) also yes, this is set during HoH. do i care? no! piper is a gay icon and im sorry but i clocked in IMMEDIATELY that she wasn’t straight. my gaydar is just THAT good. also, i’m not entirely the biggest fan of this piece, but i believe in posting what i make. i use it as progress markers :)

: ̗̀➛ WARNINGS: probably out of character, near allusions to a panic attack (mr stapler eater thwarts it quickly 😌), jason being FINE.

‘oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!’ you think to yourself as you stare, unable to tear your eyes away from the Neptune statue that you frequently found yourself at this summer.

you watch as two weird furry things giggle and laugh at two boys. you don’t understand any of what’s happening right now, but you do know that whatever those weird ass creatures are, they stole the boys belongings.

you’ve never been the type to just let people get harassed, even if you don’t know them, or if their harassers are… four foot tall furry things… “hey! those don’t belong to you!” you growl at the creatures, stepping out of the shadows of the alleyway and approaching the broken fountain.

you let out a startled squeak as the shorter boy lights his hands on fire out of shock and defence when you approach. the sound that left your body as well as the EVERYTHING happening around you somehow distracted you from the telltale feeling of lightning preparing to strike on you.

in a flash, golden cords extend from Neptunes fingers, wrapping mostly around the blond boy. one of them misses the brunet, only to latch itself onto you.

just as you’re caught up in the tight golden cords, your body pressed tightly against the blond boy’s, a bolt of lightning strikes Neptunes trident, and suddenly the world went black.

vaguely, you can hear someone telling you to wake up, almost as if they were in a panic. thinking it was your mother trying to tell you that you’re going to be late for school, despite it being july, you curl yourself tighter into the nearest surface.

‘wait a damn minute…’ you think to yourself briefly. ‘this… this isn’t my pillow or my blanket…’

your eyes fly open, and are met with the clearest blue you’ve ever seen. theyre so blue that you weren’t sure if you were looking at the sky for a split second. and then it all comes rushing back.

“oh my god!” you cry, your voice shaking with confusion. it was real? why did it have to be real? why couldn’t this whole thing have just been a dream??

the pretty blond boy was clearly panicking a bit himself. “hey! hey! calm down, it’s okay!” he says over your panicky breathing. “my name is Jason. everything is oka— breathe, dude oh my gods calm down?!”

well that snapped you out of it.

“excuse me?!” you snap, your eyes narrowing with distaste. “don’t you tell me to calm down when i’m hanging upside down with some himbo lookin’ ass who’s acting like this is a regular ole thursday!”

the boy, Jason, bites his lip to stifle a laugh. if he wasn’t so damn attractive, you would’ve been incredibly offended. “sorry.” he giggles.

as you study his face, your own softens slightly. Jason didn’t portray it with his heart on his sleeve, but looking deeper into those mesmerizing clear blue eyes, you could see the horrors. something tells you that he doesn’t get to let loose very often.

“y/n.” you say, much softer than before. “my name is y/n.”

Jason smiles, and the small scar on his lip twitches. briefly, you wonder what the story behind it is. “it’s nice to meet you, y/n. i’m Jason. i wish it could’ve been under better circumstances.” he offers kindly.

you scoff and roll your eyes with a hint of fondness. “yea yea. you know how to get us out of this, Pretty Boy?” you ask with a small, slightly nervous smile.

Jason chokes, clearly not expecting the compliment. “er- yea. uh, just… don’t freak out when i pull out my sword.” he says sheepishly.

your eyes widen. sword?! before you even realize it, there’s a satisfying shrng! of metal in the air. Jason’s golden blade cuts through the cords that hold the two of you up and you tumble to the ground.

you wince and cradle your head. “ow…” you murmur, a frown on your lips.

despite you CLEARLY being in pain, Jason laughs at you softly. he offers you his hand to help you up, and with a shy smile, you take it. “these streets probably aren’t that safe right now… let me walk you back to… er… wherever you came from?” he offers kindly.

you can’t help but chuckle now yourself. “oh, sure, let’s walk to america.” you say with a snort as you begin to walk down the pretty streets of italy with an equally pretty boy. “won’t your friend need help, though?”

Jason shrugs your worry off. “nah, Leo’s fine. he’s as resourceful as they come.” he tells you with a smirk.

you nod and continue walking. “so i assume that there’s a reason i could see those weird things?” you ask softly, almost afraid of the answer.

Jason nods stiffly. he opens his mouth to answer you, but you don’t hear it. you’re too busy staring at him. at those clear, electric blue eyes that are shielded by a pair of glasses and hide so much pain. his soft looking pink lips and the scar along them. his windswept blond hair, as though he’d been flying through the sky without any protection. the way he talks and walks, as if he’s been trained his whole life to be a diplomat.

jesus christ, this boy is pretty as they come.

when you finally tear your eyes away from him, you frown. you’re somehow at the home your family has rented for the summer. already?

“thank you, for walking me back.” you say to him shyly as you look back into his gorgeous eyes.

Jason’s cheeks light pink, just barely, but enough that you can see. “of course. it’s no problem.” he responds as he rubs the back of his head nervously. “take care of yourself, okay, y/n?”

you nod and say your farewells, watching him as he turns and runs back the way you walked, intent on finding his friend. you wonder if you’ll ever see him again, if the fates will ever allow you to cross paths with such a beautiful person ever again.

your eyes fall as you watch him leave, but snap back up quickly. damn! he has a nice ass, too…

[argoii-official]

Yall eating enough on that ship? When was the last time any of you ate a vegetable 🥗🥕🥬?

to start, they probably aren’t eating well/regularly due to stress, HA- disclaimer, this is a long post. like, LONG.

FROM HIGHEST PRODUCE INTAKE TO LEAST

PIPER

vegetarian, so…

probably has the highest veggie intake, but doesn’t rlly know how to manage vitamin stuff?? like she hasn’t done a lot of research on veggies w/ protein and whatnot

NICO

purely because 1) he isn’t eating much of anything and 2) can’t stomach anything other than toast and fruits.

FRANK

very much so is craving tastes of home (still missing his grandmother) and is therefore eating lots of chinese dishes

lots of veggies in chinese dishes!!

JASON

would be tied with frank if he was eating regularly HA

probably has a basic ass diet

acc yk what he has an athlete’s diet bc he prob spends a lot of time working out

so more meats and whatnot

HAZEL

stew girlie!!

mentions she likes gumbo and probably follows that pattern

PERCY

without annabeth and sally to keep him on track he’s probably regressed to easy foods

or junk foods prob

whatevers tasty and comforting!!

chasing the high w/ blue food and cheeseburgers…

LEO

literally eating NOTHING right now!!

subsisting on chips and soda…….

piper and jason are literally the only reason he’s eating natural food HA

learnt the hard way that caffeine doesn’t work on adhd brains

[a-royal-mistake]

Hey guys, so I just finished writing part of a Pipabeth fanfic. If you want to read it, go to Wattpad and look up Pipabeth, Pipabeth, and more Pipabeth, or just #pipabeth.

Anywho, here's a preview. Hope you enjoy.

Chapter One: PIPER

I didn't understand what Annabeth's problem was. She'd become withdrawn and solitary ever since she and Percy broke up. Well, more like she broke up with him after she found one of Rachel's bras in his cabin.

He tried to explain that it wasn't what it looked like, but she was past caring. She ended things, stormed out, and brooded in her cabin for about three days. She ate her lunch behind the Big House, and it really irked her whenever someone got within two yards.

One thing she and Percy had in common was that when either was in a bad mood, they would storm off to the sword arena to practice slashing at a practice dummy.

Annabeth had been at the arena quite a lot these days, and everyone made sure to stay at least four feet away if they wanted to tell her something.

Rumors went around that she was skipping meals and focusing on training. That worried me. I had a vague idea of what going without food for more than three days could do to your body, especially to girls.

I was sitting at my desk, finishing a report on the Greek hero Achilles, when my annoying half-sister, Drew, looked over my shoulder.

"Since when is Achilles spelled Annabeth?" she asked.

"What?" I looked at my paper. I'd written Annabeth instead of Achilles in the last sentence. I hastened to correct it.

"Well, someone's in love."

"What are you talking about?"

"You know what I mean, Piper."

"Bullshit. I just care a lot about the daughter of Athena. It's like a sisterly affection thing."

"Don't lie to me."

"Who do you think you are, Aphrodite?"

A dazzling pink shimmer and the goddess of love appeared in all her sparkly glory.

"This better be important," she said.

"What the – I didn't summon you."

"You said my name."

"Yes, I said your name but I didn't summon you."

"So I came here for no reason?"

"Since when have you had a reason for coming?"

"Mom, Piper's in love." That was Drew. I made a mental note to kill her later.

Aphrodite raised her eyebrows. "With who?"

"No one," I said firmly.

"You can't lie to me, darling. I'm the goddess of love, after all. Now, who is she?"

"What? You know I love Jason and –"

"That relationship will never last."

"Yes it will, you wait—"

"I'm the goddess of love. I know this."

"Mom, can you just—"

"Who is she?"

"Tell her or I will," went Drew.

"I'm gonna bust your stupid ass—"

"Language," sang Aphrodite.

I refrained from slapping my own mother and said in a very controlled voice, "There is no she, Mother."

"Yes, there is. And I have a feeling you've liked her for a while."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"It's Chase. Annabeth Chase," said Drew, and started giggling like an insane clown.

"You stupid-ass bitch—"

"Language," said Aphrodite sternly.

I said nothing and glared at Drew.

"So, Annabeth Chase. The daughter of Athena, if I'm not mistaken. Blond and gray-eyed?"

"That's her," said Drew.

"Well, I had a feeling it was her."

"Why didn't you just say so then?" I snapped.

"Don't use that tone with me."

"I'll be going now," Drew said, heading toward the door.

"Bitch," I hissed softly.

"Language."

"Whatever. So now that you're under the ridiculous illusion that I'm in love with my best friend, what do you propose?"

"Ask her out."

"I can't. I don't have feelings for her."

"You do. Stop denying it."

"I don't."

"Why do you dream about her?"

"Oh my fucking gods, you watch my dreams?!"

"Of course."

"That is so messed up!"

"Back to the matter at hand, darling."

"I don't dream about her."

"Yes, you do. And some of the dreams have been very interesting." She winked and my cheeks flame.

"Just get lost, Mom."

"Not until we reach a resolution."

"I don't like Annabeth."

"Yes, you love her."

"As a friend."

"Oh, don't give me that. You know what you want."

"I want you to leave."

"Say you love Annabeth romantically and I will."

"No way!"

"Say it."

"No."

"Piper–"

"No."

"Fine. I'll make you say it. One way or another, you will admit your love for the blond daughter of Athena."

"You keep your perfect nose out of my love life."

"We'll see, darling. We'll see."

And she disappeared in a flash of pink.

[hyperfixationsatadhd]

Four's a Chaos

They made it to the school's balcony that overlooked the blacktop where everyone ate lunch just as the bell rang, signaling that it was now time for lunch. Time to put their revenge plan in motion. Everyone cleared out the school and onto the blacktop, including Octavian and his little posse of stuffed panda killing weirdos. Together they started to set up their revenge plan, tying the rope around the stuffed bear, Leo pouring the newly acquired gasoline all over the bear. Piper locked the balcony's glass doors behind them.

"Can't wait to see Octavian's face as this fucker lights up." Leo said, still gleefully pouring gasoline on the bear. It was practically drowning.

" Fucking Pyromaniac." Nico said.

"Damn Death Boy." Leo shot back.

"Can you two kill it for a second?" Percy said. "I am trying to enact a revenge plan here while also mourning the loss of my poor Panda." The two continued to glare at one another.

"Yeah guys, let Water Boy mourn the loss of his inanimate stuffed Panda." Piper said.

"Shut up Beauty Queen." Percy said. "Now, let's begin. Piper, the speech?"

Piper handed Percy the folded piece of paper as Nico pushed the bear over the railing, after making sure that the rope was securely tied around the bear's neck and the railing, then stepping back. The bear hung over the heads of the people below them eating lunch, dripping gasoline on whatever poor souls had the unfortunate luck of sitting below them.

"Time to get their attention, Leo?"

"My time has finally come." whispered Leo before stepping forward and screaming, quite literally and very loudly, to get everyone's attention. It worked though as everyone's head had whipped up toward the balcony, greatly surprised and somewhat annoyed at the interruption of their lunch.

Once everyone had stopped talking and was focused on the group Percy stepped forward, unfolding the paper and starting the speech. Well it wasn't really a speech, more like just a mix of words that Piper had flung onto the paper last minute. She had totally forgotten about the speech.

"Thank you everyone. As you know I am Percy Jackson and these are my associates." Percy said gesturing to Piper, Leo, and Nico like half the school didn't already known about them from all their 'stunts' ,as most people liked to call them, from last year. "Now, you may be wondering why I have gathered you all here today. It is because there is a Panda killing murderer among you." Piper and Nico rolled their eyes, but were used to his antics. Leo rooted through his bag looking for the lighter. "Today we take revenge for that poor innocent Panda. Leo?"

Leo had found it just in time, and he stepped forward, lighter in hand. Very dramatically he lit it and slowly brought it to the bear.

"Don't you dare!" yelled a voice. Everyone then turned their attention to Octavian and his posse. "Tell your short elf on the shelf to back off Jackson!"

"Oh no. He called Leo the E word! And short!" whispered Piper to Nico.

"Shit about to go down now. Remember the last time someone called Leo elf on the shelf, let alone short?" Nico whispered back.

"How could I forget? Leo scarred that guy for life and we got a no science for a week! It was awesome to watch too." Piper said as Nico nodded his head in agreement, having been walking past the classroom at the time.

"Elf!? ELF!?! I'll show you an elf you fucking stuffed animal killing bastard!" yelled Leo before quickly bringing the flame to the gasoline soaked bear and watching it burst into flames with glee, as did the other three. He then chucked the bear at Octavian who ducked just in time to narrowly avoid being caught on fire.

"You good now Leo? Feel better?" Piper asked.

"Yeah, sorry. Might have been a bit much." Leo responded, a tiny bit of remorse on his face.

"No, don't. He was a fucking bitch. Had that coming to him." Percy said.

"Yeah he did!" yelled a voice from on the black top.

"See?"

"Jackson, Valdez, McLean, Di Angelo! Open this door right now!" yelled Coach Hedge, pounding on the balcony's glass doors. The four knew that they were in serious trouble when he didn't call them cupcakes. They had done this enough to know that.

"Alright time to go." Piper said.

"Oh no." Percy said.

"Oh no? What 'Oh no.'?" asked Piper.

"I may have forgotten our escape plan." Percy admitted sheepishly.

"You had one job Percy!" yelled Nico.

"Hah! Sounds like your little stunt is going to hell Jackson! Just like where you came from!" yelled Octavian, laughing with his lackeys.

"Oh fuck off you toga wearing bitch!" yelled back Piper before turning back to the group and saying, "He isn't wrong though. This plan has gone to fuck because of Captain fucking Aqua Man over there."

"I'm sorry!" Percy yelled. "But at least I have a good haircut!"

"How dare you! My hair is fine!"

"It's choppy, uneven, and not straight! Like you!" Percy said, as Piper gasped.

"How dare you bring my sexuality into this! And don't think I don't know about your little magazines!"

"It's a men's clothing catalogue!"

"Except their not wearing clothes Mr. I'm straight!"

"In my defense none of us are!"

"Guess it's back to detention." said Leo, as Piper and Percy continued to argue in the background.

"And it's only the second day of school." Added Nico.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Story on Ao3

[lesbiantrish]

I'm gonna share my thoughts about Jason grace because I adore him.

Jason is autistic convince me otherwise I dare you. I think he has certain sensory issues that he was forced to mask at a young age because of lupa and child soldier shannagans. I personally (gonna project real quick) I think Jason has really bad sensory issues when it comes to food. Like sometimes he just hates the tempature other times it's the smell sometimes he doesn't really know why but he just hate a certain food. But I think the biggest thing is that he's scared of trying new foods but he grew up in an environment where you ate what they gave you or you didn't eat so I think he forced himself to eat foods he didn't like so that he could survive in his environment (again lupa and child soldier shenanigans)

But when he goes to camp half blood whatever you want appears on your plate right. So people are all like "Hey Jason what do you want to eat what do you like?" And he would say I don't know and people would think it's cause of the memory loss and maybe a little bit it is but he's never gotten to chose what he eats before not with his mother he was too small not with lupa he ate whatever he could find nit with new Rome he ate whatever the served to him so now he's not really sure what to do. I like to think that Piper and Leo would definitely help Jason with his relationship with food. Like in the lost hero when Leo makes tacos. I feel like that was a good stepping stone for Jason. To be like I like tacos but maybe not this ingredient or that ingredient.

I have so much more this is just 1 headcannon

hihi i really like this but isn’t is the opposite? at camp Jupiter they give you your favorite meal but at camp half blood they give you a few different choices or smth? idk i could be wrong 😭

but ur right he’s so autistic

[queen-of-writing-bad-things]

Henry Danger Reader Insert | Captain Man x Reader: SEASON 5

Episode 27: Captain Mom (SMUT)

Season 5 Masterlist

*Strong start to the chapter, but I'd like to say that I hate this episode with a burning passion, and I'd like to have a word with whoever wrote this piece of utter—shall we continue?

To make this steaming pile of garbage slightly more tolerable, I decided to give myself a gift and write a lovely yet self-indulgent smut idea I've had in my filthy little head for quite a while now. It's not particularly explicit, but trust me, I have a long list, and most of them are so bad I'm saving them for a special chapter. Wink-wonk ;)

Please enjoy what I've written. I hated every word of this creepy, disturbing, weird, utterly confusing chapter (apart from the smut) :)

Ray was a tough guy. Strong, reliable, honest, lovable, gentle - he was all those things, or at least he was to (y/n). 

She could ramble for days on how perfect he was, from how he protected the city from whatever threat ran towards it to heading their operations in the Man Cave to caring for their growing family. 

Ever since Piper joined, his home had been busier, noisier and crazier than ever, and he was in charge of all of it. How many children did he have to worry about now? Four? Then, there was Schwoz, too, even though he was pretty low maintenance, and of course, he never stopped worrying about his sweet girl after vowing during his proposal that he always wanted her to be safe, happy and loved. 

The pressure never stopped; it was like he carried the weight of the world on his shoulders, something (y/n) never forgot. He never let on, but it got to him sometimes - the stress of having thousands of people looking to him for guidance, not that Swellview's citizens or his family saw it. 

She did, though. 

(y/n) could spot the signs with pinpoint accuracy, especially after a few gruelling days of back-to-back missions. He got grouchy in the evenings, snapped at Henry for merely existing, barely ate dinner, and wriggled and writhed throughout the night like it wasn't his favourite spot in the world. 

Of course, she was by his side throughout it all, so when he got grouchy, her mood dipped. When he snapped at the kid, she apologised on his behalf. When he barely ate dinner, she picked at the pasta on her plate, which wasn't as tasty as it had been ten minutes previously. And if he wriggled and writhed through the night, you can be damn sure that she laid awake next to him, wondering what she could do to help him. 

"Ray..." she called out as he stomped down the corridor toward their bedroom, her following closely. That mission had been frustrating - anyone who used a paintball gun as a weapon was some sadist who wanted nothing but chaos to reign as he pelted the three heroes with his ammo. 

They were small, but goddamn, those balls hurt like hell. Ask Ray; he acted as a human shield so his sidekicks could get close enough to disarm the miscreant, but all those shots took their toll, and now, he was in a fouler mood than ever before. 

"Yeah, sweet girl?" he replied quietly, his tone clipped and tired like he just wanted to be left alone and was holding back from lashing out, but he could never do that to her. She only wanted to help, so he instead focused on stripping off his painted-splattered uniform with sharp, frustrated movements before tossing them into the laundry basket by the wardrobe. 

Definitely in a bad mood. 

(y/n) wasn't entirely sure how to deal with it. If he was sad, she knew what to do. Same with if he was scared, annoyed, or confused. They were easy enough to solve and soothe, but stress-induced frustration wasn't something she came across often because of how much he stamped it down. 

However, over the last few hours, she'd had a chance to mull things over, meaning she wasn't without a plan that she knew would tickle his fancy - a mutually beneficial plan. Now, if only he gave her enough time and room to set it in motion. 

"You wanna talk about it?"

"Talk about what?" Ray asked over his shoulder as he slumped onto their bed and began pulling at his bootlaces like they'd done something wrong. He couldn't take off his utility pants until they were off, so she admired his strong, muscled back and began disrobing, too, whilst he fiddled with the annoyingly tight weave. Once off, he threw the shoes into some godforsaken corner he didn't care about and promptly removed his blue pants, too, minding not to get paint everywhere as he did. 

"You're stressed. You act like you're fine, but you're not," she muttered as she came up behind him, kneeling on the bed in the bulletproof underlayers of her uniform. Her fingertips slid over his body, drawing shivers from the man when he felt her front press to his back and her lips land on the junction of his neck and shoulder. 

"Come on, doofus. Talk to me..."

"S'nothing..." the words weren't much more than air passing through his teeth as she let her arms dangle past his chest, meaning her hands were free to roam his pecs and the very top of his washboard abs as he leaned into her embrace and sighed. He would never leave if he could stay in her arms, where his worries flew away. To be just a man who loved and was loved, not the hero who bounced back at the snap of someone's fingers whether he wanted to or not. 

"If it bothers you, and I know it does, then it's not nothing. Tell me, Raymond..." It sounded stern, but the accompanying kiss on his cheek and how she nuzzled her face into his neck said otherwise. At that moment, she had the power to turn him into just a loved man, who loved her in turn, and she wanted his weakness after seeing too much of his strength. 

"It's just...think I need a vacation, sweet girl. Somewhere we can get away from all this bullshit...just you and me," he muttered and lolled his head back to rest on her shoulder as she kissed up his neck, taking reference from how he did it whenever life got too much for her. 

That's what this was; he did it for her, and now she'd do it for him - whatever it was or whatever he needed her to do. 

"But... I promised to give you the happiest day of your life, darlin', and I intend to keep that promise."

"I don't care what our wedding's like, doofus. I just want you safe, happy and loved as you promised..." (y/n) whispered as her hand drifted up to hold his jaw and turn his face to her gently. Ray groaned lowly as she led a delicate kiss, and he wished more than anything to feel her skin against his, not the silky smooth material of her longsleeved undershirt.

"That promise was for you, pretty girl," he gave a half-hearted chuckle as he remembered that moment when he got down on one knee and promised to always take care of her. Her. No one else. 

No one else could ever be his wife if he recalled those sentimental words correctly, which reminded him; they needed to book another meeting with that florist about the flowers for the ceremony. And he noted that she hadn't eaten lunch yet, so he probably needed to swing by that takeout place down the road, and pick up more straw for Colin's hutch, and--

"We're a team, me and you. I want to care for you too, sweetheart," she confessed into his ear and, in a tactile move, pulled his earlobe between her teeth as her hot breath rolled down his neck. 

Ray immediately felt the air shift around them and his cock twitched when she adjusted her position behind him, allowing her arm more freedom to roam his bare chest. It was strange; his muscles physically couldn't ache, thanks to his indestructibility, but even so, he was tired - wearied in spirits like his soul had had enough of everything piling up on him. But for her, his sweet fiancée, he could stamp it down again if she wanted her strong, dependable hero to fill her aching channel. 

"Don't worry. Captain Man will be ooooo-kay if he gets to have you as his wife." Despite the sudden burning in his core, he breathed out the small joke and rejoyced when he felt her smile against his neck, happy to know he still had the knack. 

It was an admirable attempt to throw her off, to get her to back down and assume their usual routine of him taking dominance and fucking the living daylights out of her, but as her fingers brushed over his right nipple, she made her move. 

"You don't fool me, doof. Strip and lay down on the bed."

"Excuse me?" Ray paused, and it was comical how quickly his head whipped around to show her how perplexed he was. 

He watched with furrowed eyebrows as his sweet girl untangled herself from him, shuffled off the mattress and began peeling her longsleeved shirt from her torso. His dark eyes drank in every inch of her bare skin and cursed the cotton bra hiding her perfect tits from his hungry gaze. 

Stood before him in nothing but her underwear, she smirked at his shocked face and didn't miss how he stared at several spots on her body - her breasts, soft tummy, hips, thighs and his favourite place between them. She knew he wanted her, but she knew what that led to; him making the calls, wanting her to rely on him doing all the work. And that's not what this was about. 

"Let me take care of you for once, Ray. So, come on. Strip, lay face down on the bed and relax. That's an order."

Following her gentle instruction, Ray echoed her movements and removed the final pieces of clothing from his body - the pesky mask glued to his face and the boxer briefs that clung to his thick thighs, more so as his arousal became more apparent. 

He didn't like the idea of surrendering himself, not because he hated the idea of being her submissive, but because he was the carer. He took control in the bedroom and relieved her of any stresses, burdens or problems as he gave her nothing but pleasure, even when she was riding his cock like a fucking queen. 

It was his instinct. Snuggling into the sheets with his eyes closed and her movements unknown was not. 

"I don't know about this, (y/n)..." he mumbled into the comforter as he rested his head on his arms and tried to relax. His nude body was stretched out on the bed, reaching from the headboard to the foot in what his lover described as a chiselled work of art, and he huffed as his eyes fluttered shut because this was anything but relaxing. 

Unable to see, his other senses perked up, painting a scene in his head. He could hear his girl hovering around the room and the unmistakable sound of her bra and panties being removed in what had to be the most unfair striptease ever. He could picture her body perfectly, having had more than enough chances to emblazon it on his brain, but he wasn't supposed to get up and look. 

He was "relaxing". 

Then, he heard her walking around the room, moving from what he knew to be her dresser on the back wall to the bedside on the opposite side of the bed to him - her side of the bed. The rumble of the drawer caught his attention because, to be honest, he didn't know what she kept in there. Lip balm, a hairbrush, her favourite pieces of jewellery, who knows? That was her private drawer, and that was the bottom line. He didn't cross it. Never. Not once. Much like she didn't touch his. 

"You trust me, right?"

"More than anyone else, darlin'..."

"Then, lie there and think of your favourite thing in the world." He could hear the smile in her voice as she returned to his side, the bed dipping next to his shoulders as she clambered across her half. In her hands was an item from the drawer Ray knew she had opened, and it wasn't anything she'd ever paid much attention to. 

"That would be you, my sweet girl," Ray whispered, slowly getting used to lying there and letting her do what he liked. Thank god his eyes were closed, or he would've seen (y/n)'s deep blush, which he always loved to tease her about, so she quickly distracted herself by flicking open the cap of a bottle of sweetly scented oil - safe for use on all parts of the body. 

It came from a generic bath set she'd received from an unimaginative relative who didn't know her well enough to buy her something more meaningful, but it was serving an excellent purpose now as she watched the golden liquid swirl inside the fancy packaging. 

The potent smell of lavender wafted throughout the room as she shuffled a little more on the bed, taking extra care not to trample her beloved doofus as she swung a leg over his body and settled herself over his lower back. Ray tensed underneath her, the move taking him by surprise when he felt one warm hand on his back, and he had to admit, he didn't picture his precious girl straddling him. 

"What are--what's going--fuck, that's cold!" He gasped when she squeezed the bottle, allowing the oil to cascade onto his back and pool in the crevice of his shoulder blades, where it trickled across his skin. 

"Sorry, doof. It'll warm up soon," (y/n) giggled when he jerked underneath her, and in hindsight, she should've warmed it up a bit beforehand. But he soon quietened when her hands glided across his back, dipping into the oil and spreading it across his skin, she could give him a massage worthy of the hero of Swellview. 

Her thumbs got to work almost immediately, rubbing slowly and sensually at the taut muscles beneath the surface. Those shoulders that carried the world were the worst, tense and strained under her fingertips as Ray released the first groan of many. 

They looked so broad from that angle before they dipped into the trim waist between her legs, and she smiled softly to herself as she massaged his neck - even that felt tight - seeing how his eyelashes fluttered from her pleasured touches. His mouth fell open in an O-shape, his tension fleeing as she dragged out every second, moving across the edges of his shoulders and down to his biceps. 

She'd always wanted an excuse to obsess over them, fondle them without stopping and not have anyone judge her. In public, she could get away with the occasional squeeze or cling to one if he wore a hot, tight shirt, but now, he was all hers. Perfect. 

Pouring an extra drizzle of oil into her palm, she kneaded his upper arm, feeling herself grow wetter at their size - so big she couldn't get her fingers to meet across their circumference. But this wasn't about her. 

So what if the intensity made her muscles ache? This needed to be dragged out until words couldn't form on his tongue and every inch of him ached for her, so she kept going, pulling and squishing his arm, switching with the other one intermittently. She knew they took a beating every time he used the gym - every day - and she knew he rarely gave them any time to rest, so she spent a few extra minutes on them until his flesh was pliant and dough-like. 

"Fuck...so good at this. S-so good, sweet girl," he groaned underneath her as she spread the remaining oil on her hands down his forearms. They were as bulky as the rest of him, with thick tendons and veins stretching down into his hands, and she could picture every time they'd been posted next to her head as he fucked her sweet cunt and braced his lithe body over hers. It was unconventional, but she squeezed them anyway before moving on. 

Then, she took his hand, moving his arm slightly bent. Rolling each joint of each giant finger, she sighed silently at the tight palm muscles, knowing they were only so tight from years of hitting a punching bag, some jerk's face or hell, even a brick wall. 

They each told a story, from when he was a frustrated teen working to his father's orders of better, faster, stronger to the sparring session they shared two days prior when he took hit after hit from her but refused to harm a hair on her pretty head. Leaning down, she pressed kisses to each fingertip before tweaking the rough pads, ensuring the blood flowed properly to encourage them to loosen up. 

"I love your body. It's so strong...and hot. Really fucking hot," she chuckled, unable to hide the grin in her voice as yet more oil pooled in the cleft of his spine as she returned to one of his best features - one of her favourites. 

He hummed a response, a faint dusting of pink visible on his cheeks as she resumed work on his back, pushing hard on the taut muscles there before dragging her hands out toward his ribs. 

Ray couldn't help but ache from her words, feeling it in his heart from her gut-wrenching confession as he succumbed to her request and let himself fully relax into the massage - utterly at her mercy. And mercy it was. She did everything for him, slowly kneading big circles, gently pulling each side down and pushing away, relaxing the whole area before moving higher and starting again, kneading, pulling, pushing, dragging moan after guttural moan from his lips. 

His cock throbbed against the sheets, hard and aching for release as her weight pressed it into the mattress. It meant he couldn't grind himself into the cotton-like he desperately craved, feeling pleasure race down his every nerve ending from the angel naked on top of him, but he was too limp and amazed by her to move. 

He wouldn't complain about getting old for at least a few days as she reached his lower back, oiling him up so her hands glided down and across his waist, the one he insisted she wraps her legs around every time he pinned her down and took his fill.

Moving further down the bed, she grinned at the sight of his cute ass, having always secretly loved it for just its general...cuteness. It was so cute at the apex of his cinched-in torso before it widened for his firm, smooth buttocks, which, of course, were firmly kneaded without a care in the world since that's what he usually did. 

Ray Manchester was an ass man, through and through, so his sweet girl held nothing back as she listened to the small voice inside her head that said the soft flesh there was to be touched and admired, which sparked a small want in her. It looked so soft - like a marshmallow - and it's not like he hadn't done it before, so...

"Hey!... Did you just bite my ass?" Ray gasped when he felt a slight, painless sensation pinch his backside, but it melted into a chuckle when he felt a kiss a few inches from the crime scene. He was shocked but not disgusted and laughed with his lover as she sat back on her haunches to admire the indent she had left behind. 

"Maybe... You know you can't talk, doofus."

"Not my fault you have the most gorgeous fucking ass I ever s--shit, that's good--"

His words dried up on a choke as she descended to his thighs, using another inch of oil from the now half-empty bottle on his thighs, which were nearly as delicious as his butt. She worked much more slowly on his upper legs, relishing in the stiff muscles crafted by Greek Gods. Gently teasing his inner thigh with feather-light trails, the heroine pushed deep circles up the backs of those powerful legs, stopping once to return his hand to his ass cheek for one last squeeze. 

Finally, she reached the end of his long body, and her hands were burning from the massage as if she'd absorbed the aches and pains from him. She ignored it, knowing she'd do it all over again if it left this tempestuous man docile and purring between her thighs - and not in the usual way. 

He seemed to enjoy the last moments the most, relishing how her thumbs ran up and down his calves and feet, perhaps because it wasn't easy carrying his heavy, six-foot frame around all day to various corners of the city. At this point, she could feel her sticky arousal clinging to her thighs, and like Ray, she wished more than anything to clamp them shut in search of some friction, but her work prevented her from doing that, even as she reached his final pinky toe. 

The sheets were ruined - stained from the excess oil she used and the room would smell like lavender for weeks, but neither cared. Ray didn't know the meaning of work as she slithered up his body, ensuring he felt her hardened nipples and tummy brush against his back as she settled on top of his form again. 

"Better?" She asked in his ear quietly, pressing a kiss to his cheek and temple as her hands roamed his jelly-like arms. 

"Mmm," he grunted, too blissed out to form words, but he vowed he'd make it up to her later. Anything for the only girl he'd ever let see him like this, and he'd dated a few in his time. None of them had the privilege of seeing Captain Man in this weak state, but they never wanted to. They didn't care as she did, and Ray swore a tear ran down his cheek from the love swelling in his heart for his wife; damn whether a piece of paper dictated whether she was or not. 

She taught him to believe in love. Wholeheartedly. And for that, she was officially his unofficial wife. 

"Then turn over." The simple command pulled a groan from his lips, but he did as she asked, feeling younger than he had in years as he waited for her to move to one side before he rolled onto his back. In healing his body, she discovered his soul, and it didn't ache anymore, not when he cracked open his eyes to see his angel kneeling by his side, skin flushed and bumpy from the chilled air or the rampant desire between them, either one. 

His lips parted again as he scanned her perfect figure, his tongue darting out to wet them as he studied her movements, unable to stop himself from staring at her tits or ass. He was a gentleman at the end of the day, but as she saw when he rolled over, his courteous nature had been pushed aside by an animal - like she made him be - hungry for the sweet girl pulling her bottom lip between her teeth. 

"Poor baby...all this just from me rubbing your back?" She teased with a mischievous smile as she took in the delicious thickness between his thighs, laying heavily against his abs as she swung her leg over him again. 

"You know it is," he growled, taking in the familiar sight of her hovering over him, and she didn't miss the twitching of his cock when he noticed the slick between her legs. He wanted her, throbbed for her, and she took great delight in it, knowing a little oil and her rubbing up against him made him as solid as granite. 

Still in a teasing mood, her fingers danced across his inner thigh, drawing a hiss from him at the tender touch, and he longed for her to slide that pretty pussy over his cock and let him feel her. Part of him said that this wasn't right; his precious girl should be beneath him, legs spread, taking his cock so she could relax against the pillows, but he didn't dare move, not when her palm moved to the right and grasped his length. 

"Gonna ride you, sweetheart. You want that?"

"Fuck yes," he groaned as she took him into her hand and began pumping him slowly, the residual oil making her glide up and down his member easily. His hips jerked up into her movements as she carefully jerked him off, but she quickly put a stop to it, shuffling forward, so she straddled his thigh, which granted her more space to pin his hipbone with her free hand. 

She explored his abdomen, roaming his chiselled V-line and abs with a hungry stare since every time she saw them, she wanted to run her tongue over them. Ray didn't miss how she stared, fully aware of her lust for his body after catching one too many stares when he was shirtless in the gym, but she refused to surrender her newfound dominance. He was supposed to relax, and she didn't want those muscles flexing. 

"Can you promise me you'll behave?" She asked breathlessly as her hips moved against his thick thigh, slowly at first but gaining speed once she found a rhythm. All the while, her wrist twisted the movements on his cock, pulling low moans from him as he watched her hand with hooded eyes that met her devilish ones. 

"That means no trying to take charge, doofus."

"Will you fuck me if I say yes?" He asked, raising a cocky eyebrow in a last-ditch attempt to regain his instinctive dominance, but a jerk of her wrist and he howled. A long, guttural moan tore from his chest, which turned into a whine when her soaked pussy left his thigh, only to kill and send him to heaven when she settled above his cock. 

"You want my pussy. You have to behave, Raymond. Can you feel how much I need you? Want your big cock inside me..." (y/n) taunted him in a needy voice, the one she used when coaxing her Captain to give her what she wanted finally. But now, the tables had turned as she ground against him, feeling his hard length run through her wetness and catch on her entrance. 

The temptation to fuck it all and slide him in was high, and she clenched around nothing at the thought of finally satiating the burning need in her core, but the look on his face made it worth his. His eyes were screwed shut as his mouth contorted in a pain-filled grimace, and she had to lace his fingers between hers to stop him from seizing her hips and flipping them over. 

Nothing was stopping him from doing that, and they both knew it. He was Captain Man, infinitely stronger than Miss Danger, and with half her patience, but he went limp the second she pressed his wrists to the mattress beside his head. All the fight drained from his body, and he gazed into her determined eyes, seeing the challenge to take what he wanted as she rubbed his sensitive head against her clit. 

Nothing was stopping him. He could have her if he wanted. 

"I'll behave. Please, sweet girl...don't stop," his quiet pleas caused a smile to break out on her face, and she giggled at the lightness in her chest. Finally, he let go, and she knew what that meant for him, the man who had greatness thrust upon him at the tender age of eight. He cared so much, so guiding him to her soaked opening, she took care of him.

"Feel so good...So, good..." they moaned together as she slid down his cock, engulfing it in her tight warmth in one fell swoop. He was so big - so big every time he took her - like it was splitting her apart and pulling her back together in the best way. The slightest hint of pain, the breach of his cock melting into a delicious fire that licked and coated her nerves as the fat head knocked against soft tissue inside her. 

After taking a minute to adjust to him - an agonisingly long minute for Ray, but as always, he refused to move before she was ready - she found a pace with a slow rut that dragged his cock along tight walls where she could feel every single vein throb enticingly against her.

Rocking her hips steadily, gaining speed and confidence with each drop, she panted how good he felt, how thick—how addicted she was to the feel of him, how she wanted to fuck him for hours. Her nails curved down over the muscles of his shoulder blades, along his waist—basking in his size, his strength—before folding herself in half to meet him in a messy, teeth-clashing kiss that spoke of the pent-up frustration in both of them. 

It wasn't fair how everything fell to them. It wasn't fair that three people had to protect an entire city. It wasn't fair that the whole town paid for a police force that didn't care about them. It wasn't fair that those heroes still managed, despite the mistreatment. It wasn't fair that he couldn't call her his wife yet. It wasn't fair she couldn't call him her husband. It wasn't fair they still had to wait another year before making it official. 

None of it was fair, so there was no wonder she doubled her efforts to try and dull the ache from not being Mrs Manchester until the fancy resort they liked had a booking available. 

"Love you, doofus. Wanna take care of you, love you, and--god, wanna--wanna spend my life with you!"

"Fuck, darlin'. Wha--what--who'd I please to deserve you? Hmmm? Who sent you?" He rambled as she swivelled her hips faster, seeking his high more than her own. Maybe it would horrify him, but she wanted to wreck him, build up his pleasure and then wring it out of him in a gut-wrenching orgasm - like what he usually did for her. 

All that could be heard in the room was the vulgar sounds of her ass hitting his thighs as she rode him with a renewed passion, frantic to see him helpless underneath him, and she doubled her efforts as he settled his hands on her hips. Losing the will to be brutal as her pussy seized with need, she allowed him some control when he began to direct her movements, showing her how to roll against him until their ends were close. 

"Shit--I love you, doofus," (y/n) whimpered as she folded her body over his, so they could share a brief yet passionate kiss before they broke apart to pant against each other's lips. His hands brushed down her back, anything to feel her silky smooth skin beneath his fingertips, with his re-energised muscles pushing him to go harder. 

"I love you so much--fuck, gonna give you my cum--fuck--" he garbled as heat crept up his spine, urging his hips to move in small, sharp thrusts underneath her. The added friction caused them both to groan, and, lost to the pleasure, she said nothing, knowing that if this were him misbehaving, she'd take it any day. 

Biting at his bottom lip for the final time, the heroine met his mini thrusts perfectly, choking out a whiny moan with each battering hit to her pussy. It hurt so good, and Ray growled lowly in his chest as he watched her tweak her nipple and rub circles on her throbbing clit - once, twice, thrice - he swore he could've died. 

"Yes! I want that--want your cum. Pleasepleasepleaseplease--" she gasped as he abruptly sat up, his oiled torso pressing against hers as he wrapped his arms around her small form--and clamped her to him. A long, broken moan reverberated in her ear as he came - hard - groaning and grinding his hips up into her pussy as the sudden change of angle brought her release. 

The tight heat around her prolonged his pleasure, making Ray pant harshly into her hair as he rambled incoherent praises for the woman securely in his embrace. Everything felt hot, sticky, and close, from their spent bodies to the air around them - a stifling but not unpleasant haze of lavender and sex - but they loved it, loved the closeness of their post-workout glow as their hearts slowed with their breathing. 

Ray collapsed back on the bed, taking his sweet girl with him as the relaxation reached past his physical being and into his mind, meaning he didn't care about their ruined sheets or the fact that people were probably looking for them since it was early afternoon. All he cared about was the angel in his arms and how even after having the brains fucked out of him, he still wanted to have her again. 

He could feel her pussy twitching around him, and he wasn't ashamed to say he perked up with interest, even though she seemed perfectly content to trace her finger over his pec and rest on top of him. 

"Feel better?" she asked quietly, kissing his chest once, causing it to bloom with affection as he sighed and basked in the blissful peace around them. 

"Yeah...so much better, thanks to you, sweet girl," he replied quietly, pecking her forehead in gratitude as she snuggled into him, clearly content to stay like that, despite only cumming once. That didn't sit right with him; it never did, even if this was meant to be about him, and he, and he couldn't just lie there and say and do nothing. 

"Let me repay you."

"Nu-uh. This isn't about repayment, doofus. I wanted to do it," (y/n) told him firmly, her hand darting out to grab his when she felt it drift over the curve of her ass - and she knew what would follow that. 

As lovely as the idea was, it had taken her an hour to get him this zen, and besides, she'd received more than her fair share over the years they'd dated. It was time to give back, and that's entirely what she intended to do. 

"I can't just--"

"I am more than satisfied, Ray. I got to take care of the man I love..." she grinned and pulled his wandering hand back to her chest so she could kiss his knuckles. It was painfully sweet to watch, but that was her all over, and for once, the hero didn't argue as she raised her hips to separate their conjoined bodies. A small part of him longed to return the favour, but he stopped himself. 

Ray allowed himself to be genuinely selfish for one hour of his life. To not worry about the world. To not run around after others. To not dance when someone clicks their fingers. He lay back and relaxed, content to doze with his fiancée as she momentarily slipped out of bed to bring him a glass of water and a damp flannel to wipe his brow. 

Only mischief was on her mind. 

"...and he's more than welcome to join me in the shower in half an hour."

Yep, she was his perfect girl.

*Six thousand filthy words later and in the words of season one Piper, I AM NOT OKAY!!! Seriously that took me like two hours, and now I have to do the episode :) Just smile and type, Ruth, smile and type. 

In all seriousness, though, that smut was for me, so now, this chapter is for all of you. My beloved readers. And the next two episodes because I'm not too fond of those either. 

For the innocents rejoining us, we're about to begin, so please take your seats. Although, in fairness, this shit's about to get properly weird. I don't know if you want to stick around. It's worse than the smut ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

~The Man Cave~

Henry was suspicious. 

Not overly suspicious, but curious. Suspiciously curious. A bit like how his parents were sceptically interested after he went missing for a month, only he managed to placate them with a few finessed lies and his sister's help. This was different and didn't involve butterflies. 

For the last two days, he, (y/n), and Ray had been called out to an abundance of irritating, strenuous and time-consuming emergencies, all of which had taken their toll on his man-child of a boss. So, understandably, he'd been in a foul mood, snapping and arguing over the little things - nearly biting his head off for sneezing in the Man Van. 

He was tired. He understood that, and he was tired too. However, he couldn't understand how all his crabbiness seemed to disappear mysteriously after he slunk off to his bedroom with the pretty heroine traipsing after him. 

A couple of hours later, he was smiling, cracking jokes, and fooling around like it was the first call of the week, which baffled the kid as he watched his boss mess around like the big idiot he was. What had happened in those few hours between the paintball guy and the Burrito Brothers? 

Why was he suddenly so...relaxed?

"Man, what is it about fighting the Burrito Brothers that makes me stupid hungry?" The smiley hero asked as he and his sidekicks jetted down the tubes with springs in their steps - not because the mission had been easy, but because they were glad to be home. 

Henry glanced at the happy couple, noting how clingy and affectionate they were, which wasn't uncommon for them - not in the slightest - but it was excessive. Strangely, (y/n) clung to her doofus like a lady on a gentleman, and he escorted her down the steps without glancing at the floor in front of him because that would mean tearing his eyes away from her pretty face. 

"I don't know, doof, but I'm stupidly hungry too," she replied with a lovestruck smile as her tummy grumbled quietly. They'd skipped lunch, and somehow, accidentally on purpose, they'd snuck a workout in between, so she was ravenous.

"I mean, is it the name?"

"I am stupid starving," Henry agreed as Ray kept ogling his precious girl, shrugging off their weird behaviour since they found a new reason to fall in love every day. Perhaps they were feeling extra touchy today, or maybe it was a full moon or something; he didn't know. All he knew was that if he didn't have a snack in the next five minutes, he would die—or something to that effect. 

"'Cause right now, I am the Spanish word for hungry..."

"That would be hambriento, or tienes hambre, doofus," (y/n) told him helpfully, melting his heart and brain because that was hot. She was hot. It was all hot. Caliente. And it turned his mind to mush as they casually strolled across the room, doting on each other so much that nothing stole their attention. 

"Or the Spanish word for food..."

"That's comida," she knew he was toying with her now, throwing word after word out in a ploy to get her to say more stuff, and Henry wasn't helping. Happy to know his boss was back to his usual chirpy self, the kid eagerly played along with the banter, causing the woman to roll her eyes when Ray's hand settled in the small of her back and guided her towards the table and auto-snacker. Although, secretly, it was nice to know she flustered him so much. 

"I could literally eat a fully grown Spanish person right now!" 

"What have I said about encouraging him, Hen?" She joked, biting her tongue as her shoulder nudged the kid, making them engage in a minor scuffle until Ray noticed something...peculiar. 

In the middle of the room, balanced on a small cabinet, was a jar, like the kind you'd see in some dusty bar out in the sticks with pickled eggs, trotters and onions. No one knew where it had come from, but they were more focused on its contents; hundreds of milky-coloured balls covered in a purple goo as they floated in an equally strange liquid. It shimmered like the cosmos and had an intoxicating, sweet smell as they got closer to see the unknown substance. 

"Are these leechees?" Ray asked, pointing at the suspicious jar of what he assumed was syrupy, preserved fruit, even if he butchered the pronunciation. In fairness, it wasn't a wrong guess; they looked and smelled good enough to eat, but despite her hunger, (y/n)'s tummy told her to stay away—warding her off with its age-old wisdom that she shouldn't touch what she didn't understand. 

"Um, sweetheart, it's pronounced lychees, but we shouldn't—"

"You know, the fruit? That you can eat?" If only Ray had the same caution. He was still buzzing from his mid-afternoon break with his sweet girl, so all he saw was her beautiful face and a load of nibbles, perfectly sized for him to feed her. He'd seen the cooking channel, and he could swear that these things grew on trees, meaning there was no need to be wary. Why else would they be out in the open if not for eating?

"You keep saying leechees. It's lychees—lychees—lychees. It's pronounced lychees like (y/n) said," Henry tried to correct him as the hero kept rambling, but in the end, he gave up when his hard-headed boss kept talking about whatever fruit he thought they were. If the leechees—lychees—whatever—were good enough for him, then they were good enough for Henry, who'd worked up an appetite after battling two men who used burritos as ammo. 

"You know what? I'm starving—I'm eating a lychee," the boy held up his hand to make Ray shut up before he dipped the same fingers into the jar. He plucked one of the "fruit" from the liquid, noting how it clung to his gloves like goop, and the saccharine essence became even stronger as he brought it to his face. 

"Wait!" Ray suddenly interjected, stopping Henry just before he could place the lychee in his mouth, and (y/n) breathed a sigh of relief. 

"What?"

"This is a bad idea," he told the kid with a stern face, and the kid paused for a moment. The woman clinging to her doofus broke out into a smile, shocked that they were being sensible and listening to her tummy for once. She pressed a kiss to Ray's shoulder - or as near as she could get to it - feeling perfectly content and happily in love since they were playing it safe. Right?

"Thank you, doofus. Glad I'm not the only one who thinks we should just get some chicken nuggies from the—"

"Why?" Henry asked as (y/n) gestured to the auto-snacker, frowning at his boss for suggesting that the lychees were bad news when all he saw was fruit preserved in sugary syrup. What was so wrong with that? There were millions in the jar; surely, Schwoz, Charlotte, or whoever wouldn't miss a couple. 

"Because, dude, you don't even know...how good I am at catching food in my mouth!" Ray exclaimed, and (y/n)'s face fell like a ton of bricks. She thumped his bicep and whined, hating how they were messing with the mysterious food when they didn't know who it belonged to or where it came from, but the boys being the boys, wanted to show off - like the testosterone-fuelled chimps they were. 

"I am also very good at catching food in my mouth!"

"I'm probably a little bit better..."

"To be fair, sweetheart, you say that about everything, and you're almost always wrong," (y/n) said tentatively as her lover preened like a peacock, his ego stretching out before him as Henry dared to say he was better at something. His face turned to hers in a twist of betrayal and, strangely, amusement as if her words provided a challenge, and he could never be angry at her, so his eyes quickly softened as he pulled her into a loose embrace, arms hanging limply off her waist. 

"You weren't saying that earlier in the shower—"

"And I'm outta here!" Henry choked as his wide eyes darted anywhere but in their direction, and he made to leave the room before he heard something revolting, which he assumed boosted the man's mood and her touchiness that afternoon. He could grab a snack at home, or a cafe, or on the moon—anything that meant he could get out of their way, but Ray wasn't done with him yet, even if he was in the middle of rubbing noses with his precious fiancée. 

"You wanna go?" He challenged the kid, pulling away from his flushed girl, who couldn't help but run her tongue over her lips to chase the fading taste of peppermint. She still wasn't entirely pleased by their fooling around, but her brain felt so fuzzy now, slightly hypoxic after being ruined by his kiss. 

"You wanna go?" And Henry was receptive. Seeing the man put down his lover, he eyed the jar and thought about the offer, thinking anything Ray could do, he could do better—or something like that. So, he swallowed the bile rising from his stomach and returned to their side, eager to show off. 

"Let's do this thing!"

"Okay, okay, let's go!" 

"Seriously? How old are you two?" (y/n) groaned as they each took a suspicious lychee and moved away from the trolley. Facing each other off, they stood about two metres apart, so they could throw the small fruits into each other's mouths as the woman watched on her her head in her hands, and Ray was the first to try it out. He dropped his jaw open, looking like a goldfish, as Henry lined up his shot and tossed the fruit, but his aim was awful to say he was a superhero's sidekick. 

He came, he threw, and he completely missed. 

The so-called snack soared past Ray's head and landed somewhere near the supercomputer, where it would be forgotten about and left to rot until the pungent smell drew someone to clean it up months later.

"My bad—my bad—my bad."

"No problem. We got plenty of leechees," Ray brushed off his worries as he pointed to the whole jar, but Henry kept cringing at his dodgy pronunciation. 

"Pronounced lychees, though.

"Uh, agree to disagree—cheese!" However, the hero dismissed him quickly, preferring to focus on their little competition since he obviously had the sweetest spectator in the world - on his side. So, he tossed his lychee, but to say he was a superhero, who trained in sharpshooting since he was a child, had every weapon under the sun, and whose job it was to hit every target every time, he was an appalling marksman. 

At least he hit Henry's face. That was something. He didn't get it in the boy's open mouth, but it hit his cheek. Not a bad attempt. 

"You two are terrible, you know that? You can't hit the target to save your lives," (y/n) giggled as she watched the fruit hit the floor, and her doofus turned to her with a faux-annoyed face. He booped her nose, causing her eyelashes to flutter and her cheeks to heat up as he reached into the jar again for more ammo. Of course, she was willing to show them how it was done, but the plan was still stupid in her eyes. She wouldn't touch those slimy alls even if they paid her. 

"Watch, sweet girl. It's a numbers game, and we're getting close..." Ray announced confidently, tossing a few more lychees at Henry, all pinging off his nose, upper lip, forehead or cheek every time. To say he was meant to be impressing her as only he could, he wasn't doing an outstanding job, so he tried again. And again. And again. 

Twenty minutes later, and (y/n) wasn't sure about turning it on, she was ready to nod off. Having grown tired of every failed attempt shared by the boys, she'd plopped onto the couch and watched with her head resting on her arms, her eyes getting heavier and heavier with each achingly slow, passing second. 

Hundreds of attempts later, Ray and Henry were still going, determined to succeed just once, even as the tried and tested lychees from the dwindling jar piled up around them. They littered the floor like stars in the sky, creating a huge mess that (y/n) would inevitably make them clean up after she woke up from her dozing. 

"I honestly thought we'd be a bit better at this," Henry admitted as he held one of the remaining lychees between his forefinger and thumb, ready to toss it in his boss's general direction. He had the excuse of being a child, with a quarter of Ray's experience with aiming and shooting, so what was his reason?

"Yeah, you would've thought you'd have caught one by now...y'know, since we're superheroes," (y/n) uttered, her words slightly slurred since her cheek was smushed into her arm, but they resonated with the boys all the same. It was an excellent point; they shared a sheepish look, knowing she was right. How did they take down criminals when they could barely do this?

"Yeah, well, this is the last lychee, so let's make it count," Kid Danger stated as he held up their last chance. There was nothing left but syrupy stuff in the jar - and they'd checked thoroughly, so they were determined to make it this time. So determined, Ray prodded his precious girl and encouraged her to open her pretty eyes before they did, so she could witness him being great. Y'know, because he liked her attention...amongst other things. 

"All right, I'm ready for it.'

"This is the one. I can feel it! Just don't mess up the throw," the hero advised his sidekick as Charlotte, Jasper, and Schwoz emerged from the secret door, sloping off after a minor incident involving the so-called lychees. The heroes were oblivious to their presence because it was just their friends in the Man Cave, nothing weird about that, so they didn't see how their faces fell and contorted in panic at the sight of the empty jar...or their dangerous horseplay. 

"Dude, my throws are gold!" Henry complained, thinking he was a pretty damn good shot. He was not as good as (y/n) - she had an edge, which made up for her lack of physical strength - but he wasn't as bad as his boss. 

"Yeah. Fool's gold."

"Whaaaat?"

"What are you guys doing?!" Charlotte snapped, interrupting their banter before they could start bickering again, and her volume suddenly caused (y/n) to be very awake. What was all the noise for? And why did she look so pale when she saw what they were doing with the purple lychees? She'd ruin their concentration if she weren't careful, but that wouldn't be bad in the girl's mind. 

"Quiet, Charlotte. I'm about to catch a leechee."

"Pronounced lychee, doof," the heroine muttered as she rubbed her tired eyes and shuffled off the couch. Now that everyone had gathered, she felt she needed to stand up; this was her lover's big moment, even if she didn't like how he dismissed the girl so harshly. She whacks him for that later. 

"NOOOOOOO!" However, Schwoz scared everyone when he bolted from the doorway and held his hands out as if to get them to stop, but he wasn't fast enough. His shout came too late as Henry tossed the lychee, and Ray opened his mouth wide, willing the forbidden fruit to hit his tongue, despite his sweet girl's warnings. A strange feeling set in her tummy - the kind that always told her to run, hide or stop what she was doing because something wasn't right, but as time seemed to slow down, it was too late to do anything - save for Henry's dab. 

Thankfully, by some goddamn miracle, or maybe just Henry's bad throwing, the lychee bounced off the man's upper lip, saving him from a truckload of trouble as it rolled along the floor to join the others. Well, that was their last chance gone. 

"Dah! You guys made me miss!" Ray grumbled as he pointedly glared at everyone except for (y/n) because he could never blame her. 

"My throw was sick!" Henry noted, and the blame fell to the helpers who'd come through the door, but they didn't have it in themselves to feel bad. If only they knew what they'd been playing with, they weren't leechees or lychees. 

"Wow, that was close..." Schwoz sighed, breathing a sigh of relief as he stared at the mess on the ground, thankful that it was there and not inside anyone. As he explained to the teens earlier after Jasper nearly made the same mistake, that would be very bad indeed, and (y/n) didn't miss his frown or the alleviation in his voice, which made her frown too. 

"What was close?" She asked as she neared her doofus and brushed up against his arm, having been too far away from him for too long, but despite the joy she felt when he curled an arm around her shoulders, she couldn't help the concern swelling in her chest. Ray wasn't particularly bothered - he was still hungry - but she focused entirely on the genius, especially when he explained...

"If you had eaten that, an alien would have—" Schwoz started, and her eyes widened at the word alien, but he never got to finish because the Man Cave's resident mastermind got there first. 

"And I'm no longer listening. Five-second rule!" Ray interrupted him and dropped it like it was hot so he could pick the freshly tossed not-lychee from the floor and pop it in his mouth. (y/n) felt the blood in her face drain away at their horrified expression, and even though she didn't understand why they looked so scared, it didn't take a genius to realise that her doofus had done a very doofy thing. And it wasn't just because he'd eaten food off the floor, something she'd scolded him for many times before. 

"Ugh, I always forget how much I hate leechees," the man pulled a face as the fruit squirted a surprisingly bitter flavour across his tongue. It was salty, almost metallic, and had a strange texture like jelly he couldn't chew, quite unlike what he remembered lychees to be like, but one thing was for sure. He'd need to brush his teeth or drown himself in his sweet girl's honeyed taste to get rid of whatever he'd just put in his mouth. 

"Ah, me too, dude. They are gross," Henry agreed blindly, even though he'd been smart enough not to eat food from the floor. 

"Those aren't leechees!" Schwoz told them sharply, causing (y/n) to gulp as her suspicions were confirmed. Dammit, why didn't her doofus ever listen? Why didn't she stop him earlier? And most importantly, if they weren't fruit, what were those things?"

"Can't you read the sign I didn't put on the jar?!" The genius snapped and held up a sticky labelled in Ray's face, but he didn't have the time to read it, as Jasper explained.

"Those are alien eggs," he said, and it was like the world stopped. Suddenly, Ray's tummy didn't feel so good, and neither did Henry's and (y/n) swore she would pass out because those didn't sound edible or safe. More like something out of a horror sci-fi movie, and her doofus had eaten them. He'd goddamn eaten them, causing her shaking hand to reach for his as the hideous truth dawned on them. 

"Huh?"

"Those are alien eggs!" Charlotte reiterated when the hero's mind went blank, save for the thought that he wondered why they tasted so bad. 

"Huh?" He mumbled again, glad he had his precious girl by his side because he'd done some foolish things in his time, but eating alien eggs took the biscuit. Her petrified face stared at his blank one, looking for any sign that this was some big prank and they were going to tell her that her lover wasn't now infested, but he looked as terrified as she did. 

"Those are alien eggs!"

"All right, we get it! Can someone please tell me what the hell is going on before I explode?!" (y/n) snapped as the repetition got too much for her, fighting back the tears. She was strong - undoubtedly strong - and she could deal with a lot of shit, god knowing she had done after over a decade spent living in the Man Cave, but when eggs and things got mentioned, she freaked out...a lot. 

"Schwoz told us if you eat one, it will grow and hatch inside your stomach!" Jasper exclaimed, and the woman swore vomit rose in her throat as her body shook. She would need every ounce of her strength to get through this because that was her doofus, the man she swore to love no matter what, and he was—what? Incubating? Henry hovered behind her as she swayed from side to side, thinking she was about to faint, but gathering her resolve, she looked Schwoz dead in the eye and muttered lowly, trying not to lose it. 

"Schwoz...please tell me that isn't true," she begged, feeling Ray's hand squeeze hers lightly, but she felt like she was floating above the room, looking down on the scene rather than being a part of it. It all felt surreal until her world came crashing into reality with the small man's grimace. 

"It's true..." he revealed, and at the moment—four-o-four. (y/n) not found. She wasn't an idiot, and for all his stupidity and recklessness, Ray wasn't either, so it didn't take long for them to put two and two together. This wasn't how it was meant to be...

"Schwoz...did I just get pregnant with an alien baby?" Ray asked squeakily, feeling his blood pressure go through the roof in a revelation that was hard on him and his fiancée. They'd always wanted children, little ones running around, half him and half her, to complete the family of their dreams, but this was a little early...plus, a tad extreme. Alien babies were out of their comfort zone, and panic set in when he wondered if this would be too weird for them to survive. 

"We won't know for sure for a couple of days," Schwoz revealed solemnly, and Ray looked around at his silent family. Henry pulled at an uneasy face and held up his crossed fingers, saying a silent prayer that by some miracle, the alien egg wouldn't hatch and they'd had a near miss. 

Perhaps Lady Luck was shining on them that day, or maybe the Goddess of Love would take pity on the lovers, who had enough to think about as it was, let alone a mutant freak alien baby. (y/n) breathed deeply to try and control her nerves, which were understandably running rampant at the thought of her doofus...giving birth—god, she never thought she'd imagine that. 

It wasn't exactly the order they'd planned things, not when they were so busy with their superhero careers, but at least if it was the other way around, and she had a little one in her tummy, there'd be a degree of normality. Something to be excited about. The way nature intended. This would be the ultimate test of their love—to see if they could take it to the brink of insanity and survive. 

But maybe she was panicking over nothing. Perhaps she was being her classic (y/n)-self; think about the worst outcome, not the other possibilities. Everything could be fine, and they'd be laughing about this in two days. Yeah, that was it. This was nothing to worry about - a mere hiccup in the road. Everything was going to be all right. 

~Two days later~

Or not. 

Everything was not all right, and nothing was okay. And she was about to have a heart attack. 

For two days, they'd waited with bated breath, looking out for every known pregnancy symptom, and (y/n), a responsible adult female in a serious, long-term relationship, was deemed an expert. Don't know why but she was. She rolled her eyes at that, having never actually been pregnant and knowing very little about the finer details, but since she was...a mother-to-be - shoot her - she watched the...father-to-be's - shoot him - every move. 

No morning sickness. Ray continued to feel...fine every morning, meaning they carried on as usual in that regard, much to their friend's disgust when she had to make a cryptic note about his progress.

For the same reason, Ray didn't seem tired. He had plenty of energy and whined when his sweet girl forbade him from going out on missions with the argument that, for once, Swellview could shove its problems and leave them in peace because this was a crisis - one he was very much awake for. 

Then, more problems came when he lacked the...biology to show signs of their bundle of joy. He had no boobs to ache, no uterus to check, and the appetite of a horse, so it was impossible to see if he suddenly disliked any food. Therefore, by the second morning, (y/n) was almost certain - praying - that the egg didn't begin to grow and they could resume their happy, healthy, normal relationship, but of course, that was too much to ask. 

Everything was normal until that fateful morning when Ray woke up feeling like an elephant was sitting on his bladder, an octopus was alive in his tummy, and he'd gained fifty pounds in weight. He felt...off, and nothing prepared the Man Cave for the bellowing screech he let out when he shuffled to the bathroom, only to see himself in the mirror. 

It was clear to see out in the light of the main room, and everything suddenly felt very real. Standing in front of the same mirror in the Man Cave, surrounded by his nearest and dearest, Ray Manchester, a thirty-seven-year-old man, stood cradling his very pregnant belly with a disturbed expression. The growth had occurred almost overnight, (y/n) having gone to bed adoring his washboard abs with every piece of her heart. 

To see his tummy so large, round heavy that his t-shirt couldn't stretch over it made her feel physically sick, and it was more than Henry and Charlotte's job's worth to pat her back as she tried not to cry. This wasn't how it was supposed to go...

"We know for sure. You're pregnant."

"Oh, yeah? What gave you that stellar idea, Schwoz?" She hissed bitterly, her eyes glued to the swollen mass glued to her panicking doofus, who had so many questions yet so little time. If he could get this big in two days, when would he...y'know...pop? It was most unlike his darling girl to be rude, especially to the coconut-headed genius, but no one could blame her. If she barely knew where to look, then the teens barely knew what to say, unlike Schwoz. 

"Congratulations!" He grinned and pushed the couple together, causing Ray to wrap an arm around his girl, who, to his heartbreak, could barely look at him in that condition. As quick as a flash, he pulled out a party popper and pulled the string, releasing the confetti and silver string over the unamused couple, who had never felt so distant in all of their relationship until now. 

"Yay..." he cheered in a quiet voice as they glared at him. 

"Fuck off, Schwoz," (y/n) snapped as she pulled away from her rapidly swelling fiancé and marched off to go and think. That's what she needed to do; sit down and think. Just think everything through, leaving her friends to watch her go sadly. Ray's mouth opened to call out after her, knowing this was difficult, but he needed her the most out of everyone since he didn't know how pregnancy worked. 

He couldn't do this alone, but no words left him as she disappeared through the sprocket, and he knew he couldn't follow. She needed time alone, and he couldn't walk that far unaided if he tried. Seriously, how did women do this? He felt so off-balance and whale-like, and if he was frank, he wanted to bury himself in her arms and shed a tear or two. 

This wasn't what they had planned, but there was nothing they could do now, and all they could do was come together and prepare for parenthood...for their alien baby. 

~

Another two days later, (y/n) had primarily gotten over her initial shock. She was by no means happy to learn that Schwoz's little experiment with the space rock from all those years ago had led to her doofus becoming a human vector for god knows what abomination was inside of him, but she was slowly learning to live with it - and him. 

Ray didn't suit being pregnant, and he commended her for agreeing to have their children should the opportunity arise. It was awful. His back hurt, his bladder was constantly full, he couldn't sleep at night, he had heartburn every five seconds, his ankles were swollen, the morning sickness had hit him in full swing, he wanted every food under the sun but smushed together on the same plate, and worst of all, his libido was ten times what it usually was, which was a lot. And (y/n) wouldn't touch him with a ten-foot pole. 

That made him incredibly grumpy, crabby, moody, snappy and whiny, and if he was all those things, then everyone around him had to face his wrath - except for his sweet girl, who was at his beck and call for everything. Everyone else, though, was miserable because Pregnant Ray was an absolute bitch.

"Uh, I want this thing out of me!" Ray groaned as he emerged from the secret door and the bathroom in the corridor behind it. (y/n) was on his arm, helping him walk since his stomach was impossibly larger forty-eight hours later. 

The hero wore an especially fetching and comfortable tank top that showed off his beefy arms for his sweet girl to drool over, except that it humorously had "Future Sidekick" and an arrow pointing to his belly printed on it. He looked so damn hot until she got to the front part, and then, she had to remember that he was ready to burst and reliant on everyone around him. 

"It keeps kicking my bladder. I gotta pee every five minutes, and I'm sick of it!"

"Welcome to the pleasures of being a woman, Raymond..." she sighed as she helped him over to the couch, her more petite body taking most of his weight. He was eternally grateful and amazed that she and millions of others worldwide wanted to go through the debilitating process, but he was so fed up already, having suddenly become heavily pregnant in under a week. How women did it for over nine months was beyond him, and he didn't mean to be so mean - he just hated how this was tearing them apart. 

"Yeah, relax. It's only been a couple of days," Jasper dismissed his groaning, also fed up with the whole pregnancy thing, but only because he bellyached. He would never be so dismissive if it were someone else, but Ray was just a drama queen. 

"Uh, excuse me. Have you ever been pregnant?" Ray asked sassily, proving the boy's point. It wasn't his fault that he'd only had the odd peck from his precious girl over the past few days since every time she embraced him, his belly bumped hers, and then, weird shit happened. She could feel the alien moving and squirming inside him, which made her skin crawl, so after brushing her lips against his cheek, she ran off to get him juice, a fluffy pillow, or a book to read. And that made him wilt. 

"No..."

"Then maybe don't tell the pregnant man to relax." A definite drama queen, but he didn't miss how his fiancée sighed at those two vital words as she helped him sit down. 

"Just relax, Ray," she muttered, and he groaned lowly when he finally took the weight off his aching back and feet. His bulky, masculine body was not suited to carry the alien, and his heart wasn't prepared for how she walked on eggshells around him. She didn't seem to call him doofus as much, and everything they usually did was impossible because of his belly - it got in the way of everything, meaning he'd never been so desperate to hold her in his arms. 

"Thank you, darlin'", he muttered as he relaxed on the couch as she instructed, smiling softly when she sat behind him. Her hand settled on his shoulder, waiting for the next thing he needed, and the proximity was good enough for him as Jasper brought over a much-needed snack, although it was one of his craving creations and, therefore, inedible to anyone else. He couldn't feed his sweet girl nibbles even if he tried - she hated the tastes he suddenly loved. 

"What's this?" Ray queried as he accepted the plate from the kid, but he didn't remember ordering it. He was excepting something else. Cue the moodiness. 

"It's pizza with peanut butter on it like you asked," he replied, causing (y/n) to wrinkle her nose at the bizarre combination, but she let her lover have what he needed. She didn't like it, but she wouldn't let him suffer, even if he was being horrible to everyone. 

"I asked Henry to bring me Chinese food! Right, sweet girl? You remember, right?! We were going to share the noodles!" The pregnant hero whined and shouted as he dropped the pizza on the table in disgust. He craned his head back to gaze at his pretty girl, appealing to her since she'd agreed to share lunch with him like they always did, but she was shaking his head, much to his disappointment. 

"Doofus, when he didn't come back fast enough, you asked Jasper to get pizza with peanut butter on it, and you threw your boot at him, which is why I told you off," the woman replied softly, trying to withhold her need to scream and shout because it was all too overwhelming yet she couldn't find comfort in her soulmate's arms. She didn't fit. Two's company, but three's a crowd. 

"Oh..." Ray muttered as he realised she was right. He glanced down at his foot and noticed his shoe was missing, and after looking around, he saw it lying alone by the supercomputer. He did that right, and she scolded him like a mother would do to a child, proving she would make a better parent than he would. He was too soft and childish, but then again, their two halves made a whole, and they worked so well together - the perfect team put to the most challenging test. 

"I'll go find Henry. Come on, (y/n/n). He'll probably need help with the food," Jasper sighed and reached for the plate of offending food as (y/n) stood up from the couch. Henry was probably okay, but after days of his crabbiness, everyone needed a break from the hormonal man and a dose of her characteristic sweetness. 

"No, don't take my pizza and fiancée away from me!" However, Ray had other ideas. With lightning speed, his hand zipped out and stopped Jasper before he could toss the vile pizza in the trash. Similarly, he grabbed (y/n)'s wrist and refused to let go, feeling his heart lurch at the thought of her leaving because he needed her. He loved her, and if this pushed her away...he wouldn't get through it. He needed her; watching her leave made him ache more than any stupid alien baby could. 

"Well, you just said you didn't want it! And if you want Chinese food, you're going to have to let (y/n) go get it," Jasper bit back. Yelling at his boss was his first mistake, but using the words "let (y/n) go" was his second and the gravest. Ray was already in a fragile state, and he wanted his future wife where he could hold her hand, kiss her, and tell her he was so sorry for all of this, so he did the only thing his pregnant brain could think of. He used his other boot. 

"I'll go find Henry!" The kid quickly said and stomped off, annoyed that their lives now revolved around the moody man, who left his shoe alone now that he'd backed off, but he wouldn't get his way. 

"Enjoy your pizza, doof. I'm gonna get our noodles," (y/n) whispered in his ear as she rose from the couch for a second time and squeezed his shoulders, aiming to follow Jasper to try and argue on her lover's case. She knew everyone hated him right now, and trust her, no one hated this weird pregnancy more than she did, but she wanted to tell them that a normal pregnancy wasn't easy, and it wasn't like Ray was ever meant to have a child like that. He was struggling as much as them, and they needed to know that. Plus, Henry had their food, and it was past lunchtime. 

"But—but...baby...don't leave me," the man said weakly, his bottom lip trembling with the emotion only pregnancy could bring, and she smiled sympathetically. She never expected her husband to have their first child, but she was coping. Just about. 

"I'll be back before you know it, Ray." 

"Can I at least have a kiss before you go?" He asked quietly, a look of longing breaking her heart as he manoeuvred as best he could with his swollen belly. A part of her repulsed the idea of getting close to whatever unnatural thing was growing in his stomach - whatever it was, it shouldn't have been there - yet that came into conflict with her undying love for him. That's when she realised that maybe she'd been a little selfish, prioritising her fear of the unknown over caring for her doofus. This was hard for him too, and kisses always made things better. 

"Of course, doofus. Whenever you want a kiss, just ask," she smiled, growing slightly teary as she leaned down to seal their lips, and he gladly indulged in it, having felt a little lonely despite everyone around him. The universe wasn't right if things weren't normal between them, and after a few seconds where he could swipe his tongue over her bottom lip, she pulled back. 

"Let me go get us something to eat," the heroine told him gently, and this time, he smiled back. Things weren't perfect, nor as they should be, but they were still a team, which was close enough. 

"Hurry back, sweet girl."

"Always." And with that, she hurried after Jasper, who'd nobly waited in the middle of the room for them to say goodbye. God, they made it seem like Ray was going off to war or something, and (y/n) elbowed him in the ribs when he cracked a joke about how they'd see each other again someday. Leaving Ray to shove half a pizza slice in his mouth, they headed for the elevator, unaware that some people had made it their haven after one too many telling off from the groaning man. 

Without any warning, hands clamped over their mouths, and they were pulled inside, unbeknownst to Captain Man as he chowed down. The boy and woman gasped, but their unknown attackers muffled the noise as the door closed behind them, and it wasn't until they were safely inside that their identities were revealed. 

"What on Earth are you two doi—" (y/n) gasped as she braced herself against the wall and came face-to-face with Henry and Charlotte, who'd been suspiciously missing all morning, but before they could interrogate her, they shushed in her face. 

"Shhhhhhh!"

"We're hiding from Ray!" Charlotte hissed, wary that the guy would hear them since the elevator hadn't moved. The only thing protecting them from that big man-child-sized bundle of hormones was the metal door, and god knows that he'd damn near rip it off to get to his sweet girl again, especially if he found out they'd lured her away intentionally. 

"The alien pregnancy is making him crazy! You should know that (y/n/n)," Henry added solemnly, making the woman look at him and the girl flatly. They made him sound a lot worse than he was; sure, he'd made some unreasonable demands, but that was still the man she loved out there. He just had a little extra...something with him. 

"You guys are making him sound like a monster or something!" She whispered back, gesturing wildly as she defended her doofus - her instinct. "He is still the same sweet, considerate—"

"Considerate? Yeah, maybe for you..." Henry scoffed at her words, which earned him another glare because she hated how everyone took her fiancé for granted, even though he'd served the city for years. So, if the kid knew what was good for him, he'd keep his mouth shut. 

"—Loving, adorable man, who I still want to marry! Look, it's not for long. We just have to wait for this...thing to be born, and then, we never have to deal with it again. And besides, it's not like things can get much worse..."

"It's only going to get worse!" A voice came from above their heads, making Jasper and (y/n) jump when they looked up to see Schwoz halfway up the wall like a goddamn ape. How did he cling to the smooth stone wall like that? Spider-Schwoz? Maybe. He waved hello at them before dropping down, landing with a slight thud, which drew many shushes and didn't sound suspicious to Ray outside, but he was too big and too busy with his pizza to get up and investigate. 

He'd have his girl back with him soon enough—and with Chinese food. That was all he needed to think about. 

"You need to get out there!" Jasper told his best friend harshly, feeling sick to the stomach, that he'd been taking abuse all morning when Henry had been happily camping out in the elevator's safety. "Ray's furious that you haven't come back with his Chinese food yet, and now, he thinks you've taken (y/n) away to carry it all!"

"That's why I'm hiding! Well, not the (y/n) bit—thanks for that, by the way. He's going to kill me," Henry jerked his head to look at the woman dryly, who gave a slight, indifferent shrug since she knew her doofus wouldn't go that far, not when the teen was his favourite of their adopted children, and she'd be kissing and cuddling him again by that point. 

"Eh...he'll get over it once we do that thing with the noodles like in Lady and The Tramp. Y'know, slurp the noodle, and then, we get to ki—"

"The Chinese place is out of the greasy food that Ray wants! There are no noodles!" Henry exclaimed, breaking (y/n) out of her lovey-dovey daydream, where she and her doofus were snuggling on the couch like old times, swapping spring rolls and stir-fried vegetables because everything tasted better when shared. It made her smile into nothingness, but then, Henry burst her happy bubble, and she looked at him in horror at such terrible news. Oh no, Ray was in a foul mood as it was...

"Why?" Jasper asked, also horrified since they hadn't confiscated Ray's other boot. 

"There's a grease shortage!" Schwoz replied, making the boy throw his head back sceptically because that was the biggest nonsense he'd ever heard. He was the dumbest guy in the Man Cave, but even he knew that a grease shortage was impossible, mainly because you couldn't bottle grease - right?

"That's not a thing!"

"It is!" Charlotte argued, and as a Smartie, she was a reliable source, meaning this sudden news was quite a shock for (y/n) and Jasper, who'd been so busy running around after the expectant father, they hadn't tuned in to KLVY.  "Scientists figured out a way to turn restaurant grease into expensive biofuel, so now, someone's stealing the grease from every restaurant in Swellview!"

"Grrrr, scientists are the worst!" Jasper growled as he imagined a roomful of nerds with their tubes and Bunsen burners, turning everyone's lives to misery simply because they wanted to save the environment and do something as stupid as recycle. 

"Instead of the greasy Chinese food Ray likes, all I could get was this!" Henry snapped, reaching to the side and retrieving a polystyrene container. He briskly opened the lid, and (y/n) gasped when she saw the contents, not because she was offended, but because her doofus wouldn't touch it. He might vomit at the sight of those leafy greens, chopped vegetables, and a single crispy crouton. 

"A salad?! Henry, Ray's not going to eat this! It's...healthy!" She hissed at him, flicking a piece of lettuce as the kid nodded. He wasn't dumb; he knew Ray nearly as well as she did, so he was aware that he hated anything that came from the ground - save for potatoes. It was the best he could get after walking into the takeaway and realising the entire menu had been struck off, but even though he tried his best, that wouldn't be good enough for his boss. 

"I know! That's why I'm hiding in the elevator!" He replied, shivering at the thought of facing his boss's wrath, especially after being separated from (y/n) for three minutes. Ray would almost certainly kill him if he went out there, so he resigned himself to living in the elevator for the rest of eternity. Unfortunately, Captain Man was insatiably curious...and greedy for his precious fiancée. 

"Ahhh!" The group shouted when the elevator door suddenly slid open, revealing the pregnant "momster" himself. Henry, Jasper, Charlotte and Schwoz cowered behind (y/n) as Ray saw them, looking bewildered as to why his family were all in there when he was still waiting on his food. His protruding tummy entered the space before he did, and he reached out to squeeze his girl's hand in greeting since he could barely move to kiss her, meaning he could analyse the nervous lot behind her. 

"What are you guys doing in here?" He asked suspiciously, noting the lack of bags upon bags of food like Jasper had hinted. What did they need his sweet girl for again?

"I found Henry!" Jasper laughed nervously, shoving his best friend into the lion's den since it was every man for himself situation when Ray was around. Henry tripped forward, knocking into (y/n), who was also nudged forward by Charlotte because the girl knew if anyone could calm the oncoming storm, it was her. 

"And look, your beautiful fiancée! Who you love! And who loves you! Byeeeeeee!" She shouted once the woman was past the threshold, and after spamming the button a few times, the door slid shut and locked them safely inside again. That left Henry and (y/n) alone with the pregnant man, who eyed them suspiciously when his pretty girl fell into his arms from the harsh shove. 

"You okay, darlin'?" He asked in concern as she angled herself away from his tummy. As much as she hated the sight or thought of the round mass, she didn't want to hurt it or him, so she smiled at him softly and patted his pec to reassure him. Charlotte was right about one thing; she sure was beautiful, and he loved her. 

"Yeah, I'm okay, doofus. I told you I wouldn't be long."

"I missed you anyway," he grinned, leaning forward to peck her lips, and that's when he noticed what was in Henry's clammy hands. "Oh, our Chinese food! Finally!"

"Okay, yeah... I don't want you to get mad, but—" the boy began nervously, wringing his fingers together as Ray took the container and began toddling back to the couch. Upon seeing him straining and struggling to move with his aching back, (y/n) wrapped an arm around his middle and started helping her doofus walk, reverting to her caring role, even though she was just as worried about what was in the box. 

"I know, I know. I've been so terrible lately. I'm sorry—to you too, sweet girl," Ray replied graciously, not seeing the haze of betrayal around him. 

Instead, he gazed at his lover, utterly in awe of her and everything she did for him, even though she never signed up for any of it. She patted his arm and carried on, taking everything in his stride better than he ever could; although he was sure that when it came for them to have children properly, he'd worship the ground she walked on it - she'd do it with much more grace and elegance anyway. 

"It's just this alien pregnancy is making me feel all the feelings...and I know you guys all hate me, but it's not my fault. I'm trying my best and—" The hero went on, growing emotional and blubbery as his hormones got the best of him as he thought about how his family - his beloved family - rallied around him. It truly meant a lot to him, but when he cracked open the container's lid, expecting to see brown, unhealthy food, and saw the salad, his sadness turned to rage. 

"What is this, Henry?! I asked for fried food!" 

"I know, but see, they were out of—" the young sidekick tried to explain, but Ray wasn't having any of it. Even when (y/n) slid her arms around his shoulders and tittered comforting words, saying they could always get something else, he still shouted and threw a tantrum, finally getting the sense he'd been betrayed. 

"Can you not—can you not understand that?! Is that why you took my wife away from me? Because you don't understand anything?!"

"Not your wife yet, but I can understand that someone's been stealing—" Henry sighed tiredly, too emotionally drained from dealing with his dramatic boss, especially when he spun the idea that he'd dragged (y/n) kicking and screaming away from him. She was there now, right? Hanging off his shoulders, kissing his cheek and telling him to calm down. He didn't have to be such a drama queen. 

"I. WANT. REAL. CHINESE. FOOD!" However, Ray had other ideas. After each punched-out word, he threw limp salad leaves into the kid's face, but he didn't react. As much as he wanted to smack him, Henry held his nerve and wiped the Caesar dressing from his cheek, seeing (y/n) mouth "I'm so sorry" behind her lover's back. It wasn't her fault, but she'd be a widow before she even got married at this rate. 

"Raymond! Bad!" She snapped, grabbing the man's wrist before he could throw another green handful, enough to make him moodily cease firing and cast his eyes to the floor. But that brought on another problem when he saw the food all over the place, and even though he was the one who made it, that didn't stop him from telling them off. 

"This place is a mess!"

"You made it a mess! Don't be a doofus all your life, Ray!" (y/n) growled as he tossed the worthless box into the table, sending more salad flying, not that he cared. The hero was near tears at the thought of no food, his Man Cave being a pigsty, and worse still, his sweet girl was mad at him. It was all too much, something Henry could agree with. 

"B'doop!" He mumbled, echoing a text tone since he'd had enough of Pregnant Ray and this shitshow that surrounded him. (y/n) frowned at him and the odd noise he made, and when he pretended to take his phone out of his pocket, her face darkened further as if a storm cloud was forming over her head. 

"Ooh, snap. I just got a text from my pops," he said as he stared at the blank screen, acting as though he had a text, but he was a terrible actor. If he was going to try and fool them, he should've at least tried to sound like he came from the twenty-first century. 

"Yeah, Henry, the nineties called. They want their slang back. No one says, "aw, snap" anymore," she sassed, folding her arms as Ray shuffled to look at him weirdly. He leaned back into her body, seeking warmth and comfort as the teen gave them a nervous smile, looking particularly sketchy as he acted way too casual. 

"I still do. Anyway, peep this—my dad is building...a...roller skating rink in the backyard? And I have to go help him...do that?" He read out the invisible text, which was suspicious of his outdated phrases. Ray ignored his aching joints and hauled himself up from the couch - with a bit of help from his darling girl. 

"So...dude, I'm outtie five-thousand!"

"Outtie five-thousand?" Ray echoed in confusion, having not heard that phrase for twenty years or more, "you always use outdated slang when you're lying to us..."

"Pfff, that's whack! Dude, I'm giving you the straight good-good here, home-skillet," Henry scoffed as he tapped his belt, and honestly, (y/n) wasn't even sure if he was speaking English anymore. A tube fell above his head, encasing him in glass so that they couldn't get to him, and in the rebellious moment, all Ray could do was cling to his fiancée. 

"Wait, wait, Henry! Rub my feet?" He asked in a whiny voice as he stuck his tootsie out towards the boy, who took one look at his swollen ankles and decided he'd instead take a bath with a toaster. That wobbling bottom lip wouldn't work on him; he wasn't sweet or a girl. 

"I can't—gotta bizzounce! Get (y/n) to do it. Up the tube!" And with that, the boy disappeared, flying up and out of the building—as far away from the parents-to-be and the baffling situation before he was burping and bouncing a green, glowing baby. 

"He's such a little shit, sometimes," Miss Danger muttered a few seconds after he disappeared, going to move her doofus back to the couch before he strained his back again. Ray looked miserable, and she felt for him, but now, it was just the two of them, and that's when they were always at their best anyway. 

"Now, you want me to get you some decaf coffee and then, I'll rub your feet?" Once Ray plonked his butt back down, she offered, and his ensuing adoring look made her heart flutter. It wasn't much, but to him, offering to look after him was more than anyone else wanted to do, and Ray knew he couldn't love anyone else if he tried. He was being a bitch, but it didn't bother her, or if it did, she didn't let it show. 

"You'd do that for me, sweet girl?"

"Anything for you and the...thing, Ray. I'll be back in a minute," (y/n) grinned and kissed his forehead before leaving to get him a preggo-safe drink from the auto-snacker. He watched her movements with starry eyes, wondering what he did to deserve such a sweet girl, and when he shed a tear this time, it wasn't because of the pregnancy hormones. 

~A few hours later~

For a few hours, nothing much happened. Ray finally settled down after a bowl of chocolate ice cream drizzled with hot sauce and had a nap after his angel massaged his throbbing feet for half an hour. Peace returned to the Man Cave, and she didn't know even screech when she felt the...thing kicking against her palm. Schwoz joked that the baby recognised its surrogate mother's touch, but she didn't rip his head off - a remarkable feat of resilience. 

Everything was fine. And then, it wasn't. 

"Raymond, it's just an emergency call. It's not the end of the world!" (y/n) sighed as she stormed away from the supercomputer, her lover hot on her heels as Charlotte rolled her eyes. As usual, Ray was being dramatic and childish, having thrown his dummy out after a call came in about a grease robbery or something downtown. 

The robbery wasn't the issue; it was pretty straightforward, a petty crime and something the heroes usually could deal with without a problem. Normally being the critical word. Ray could barely pee without aid, so (y/n) banned him from crime-fighting, arguing that they had enough to think about on a battlefield; a heavily pregnant man would complicate matters. 

It was reasonable and rational, easy for anyone, including Charlotte, to see, but Ray deemed her practicality as prejudice. 

"Then why can't I go out and fight crime?! I'm not broken, y'know!" He asked like a child, stamping his foot and whining in her ear as he limped after her. He'd put his Captain Man suit on, ready to go out and kick ass because he was itching to take down a criminal after five days of nothing but sitting on his ass. But his sweet girl said no. Et tu, Brutus?

"Because of your...condition! I know it's hard to hear, doofus, but you can't go out and fight!" (y/n) replied exasperatedly, gesturing to his vast stomach, which had swelled even more in the last few hours with the alien inside becoming more active too. His tunic couldn't even zip up over the curve, so he had to leave it open and loose since it was tailored to fit his trim and fit torso. He was unprotected; didn't that prove her point?

"So, I have nothing to eat. I'm not allowed to do my job—is there anything I can do?!" The man cried as he took to pacing around the room, bored out of his mind after sitting and stewing for hours. He was a physical man by nature who loved action and adventure, so being cooped up made him even crabbier, if that was possible. 

"Yes. You can sit down and be quiet while I call Henry to take care of these assholes," she instructed him as she opened his abandoned salad and skewered a piece of lettuce with the shitty plastic fork. If she didn't eat it, then it would only go to waste, and that was money down the drain, so as she set up the holo-caller in front of her, she tucked in and watched as he sneered at the sight of the healthy load. 

"Come on, kid. Pick up..." she sighed as the machine took a few moments to get through to the kid, who was undoubtedly making excuses at home so he could get to the porch. Ray continued circling the room, grumbling that his back hurt, he needed to pee, or the...thing was kicking his intestines to a pulp. 

"Oh, hey, Hen!" She smiled casually once the kid finally answered, his little hologram appearing above the device in front of her. Ray scoffed at his appearance, knowing that he would get to fight crime, and he wasn't. 

"Hey, (y/n/n). What's up?" Henry smiled, too, although he was surprised to see her acting so chill when she was living with the world's grumpiest man. 

"A couple of thieves are stealing grease from that restaurant where they fry everything."

"Fry Me A River?" The kid asked, knowing several restaurants like that, but it wasn't the one he was thinking of. Honestly, he needed to get out and let off some steam; it had been a peculiar few days. 

"Nah, Grease On Earth. You've got to go stop them," she told him before eating a veggie cube, knowing that whilst it wasn't the most substantial meal, it was technically better than what she originally ordered. Henry preened at the idea of a solo mission, knowing he rarely got to go on them since Ray still treated him like a thirteen-year-old rookie, and whilst his heart was in the right place, the kid just wanted to be independent as he neared eighteen. 

"Okay—is that Ray's salad?" He nodded as Piper crept out onto the porch, having heard voices when he noticed what she was eating, recognising the cheap plastic box anywhere after he carried it to their home. He was surprised it hadn't been tossed on the floor, but then again, Ray always behaved better for her. 

"Yeah, he didn't want it, so I'm eating it. And y'know what? It's a surprisingly good salad. I'm telling you, come my wedding day, I'm going to look like Megan Fox—" she joked and went to eat another piece when a large, grumpy lump, known as Ray, came barrelling up beside her and prodded her arm roughly. 

"I said I didn't want any salad, sweet girl!" He whined, trying to shove the box out of her hands, so she had no choice but to put it on the table whilst he pined for her attention. He was ready to pop, and the kids on the porch gasped at the size of him, Piper not knowing where to look as she took in his enormous bump. She didn't want to jump to conclusions, but someone had had one too many hamburgers. 

"I know, doofus! That's why I was eating it!" She chastised him, flicking bits of dropped salad back into the container so she'd have something to eat. His pregnancy brain was getting worse, and she knew the go-time was close at hand - the moment she'd been dreading. 

"I don't even know why you're eating it! It's disgusting, and you'll be beautiful on our wedding day either way," he mumbled, scuffing his boot against the tiles as he grew misty-eyed at the thought of their big day. Oh god, it made him want to cry, thinking about her in white, floating down the aisle before he promised to love her forever and a day, but something caught his eye. And heavens above, it was fried.

"Ooh, is that a crouton?" And they say romance is dead. 

"Whoa...Captain Man got double-c thick!" Piper exclaimed as she stared at the man's hologram. Seeing him shove the crouton in his mouth after picking it up from the floor was weird, but seeing him so fat was weirder, given how much (y/n) rambled about his love for the gym. Oh, what she didn't know. 

"Uh, for your information, I'm not double-c thick. I'm capital P-regnant!" Ray told her haughtily, and the girl's eyes practically fell out of her head. Her gaze snapped to (y/n), who had to close her eyes and take a deep breath before carrying on; she'd never gotten used to hearing that disturbing phrase. 

"You're pregnant?! (y/n), what's going on?!"

"He ate an alien egg. It's growing inside of him. We're about to have a...thing as our first child—this is my life now!" The woman replied flatly as she tossed the remaining food around with the fork since the changing conversation had made her lose her appetite. She'd gotten used to the pregnancy just about, but knowing that the living...thing would come out of her fiancé still made her skin crawl. 

Yeah, he's being kind of a gunch about the whole thing," Henry added, much to Ray's offence as he heard him. He should try giving birth when he wasn't supposed to; they'd see who was a gunch. 

"What did you say about me?"

"Hmmm?" But as usual, the boy played it cool, and Ray didn't have the energy or patience to press it further. He slowly chewed the last crumbs of the crouton, glaring at his lucky sidekick as he cradled his bump, and (y/n) sighed at the mess she found herself in. 

"Grease heist. Clocking ticking..."

"Right, on my way!" Henry nodded and clicked his fingers, knowing that criminals tend not to hang around after doing something illegal, and he was about to snap his watch shut when Ray stepped forward, fully intent on defying his sweet girl and going out there to help the kid. He was still indestructible and had his super stretchy maternity pants on, so he would be fine—well, he had the determination, at least. 

"All right, kid. I'll meet you there."

"Raymond, we have discussed this. You're pregnant, you're not going, and that's the end of it," (y/n) barked at him, latching onto his arm in a bid to keep him where it was safe—where he was away from any journalists, but the hero had other ideas. 

"I'm a grown man, and I'll do what I—-arghhhh!" He snapped back, but before he could finish his argument, a stab of pain streaked through his stomach, taking control of his body and forcing him to double over to try and stop it. Immediately, (y/n) lost all of her fights and had her hand on his back, supporting him through whatever was wrong with him, although she had a clue. 

"Oh, big guy, you okay?"

"Doofus, what's wrong?" She and Henry asked, equally concerned as he gritted his teeth and panted, holding his belly with a scrunched-up face. 

"Ahhh! My stomach's killing me! I knew I shouldn't have eaten that stupid salad!" He whimpered, rubbing his bump as Charlotte glanced over from the computer, looking worried. (y/n) didn't have to be a doctor to know what was going on, but she gulped down her terror and remained calm, thinking her panic would only make him worse if she told him that being pregnant was nothing compared to suddenly not being pregnant. 

"You ate one floor crouton, you big doofus!" She told him breezily, hoping her soft and friendly tone would help keep him sweet, but then, Schwoz popped up out of nowhere - like the loitering creature he was - and as always, he brought the good news that didn't undo all of her hard work. 

"It's not the floor crouton," he told her as she stroked Ray's back, and the genius laid his ear against her lover's belly to hear whatever lurked inside. 

"You're in labour! You're about to give alien birth!" He gasped, but Ray didn't care what he said as he was hit with another contraction, this one stronger than the last, as the labour quickly ramped up. She'd known what was coming all along, but all the same, (y/n) felt her head woozy at the news, and she wobbled for a second or two before her super-regeneration kicked in. 

She never fainted. Her brain always recovered from the drop in blood pressure before the blackout hit, so even though the news made her want to die, she had to live through the moment and support her fiancé because that's what he'd do if it were her. 

"Well, isn't that just spit-on-your-neck, kick-you-in-the-crotch fantastic?" She grinned sourly and huffed a bitter laugh, knowing that she was about to become sort of wicked stepmother or something. Ray whimpered and turned to rest his forehead on her shoulder, feeling like he was about to drop a bowling ball—something he couldn't do. Seriously, how did women do this?

"This is amazing..." Piper smirked as she took out her phone and hit record, wanting to save the mind-boggling moment forever. She'd never share it, but if she ever needed a good laugh, she could always look back on the video, especially when Ray looked up from his girl's sweet-smelling hair and saw his shame being caught on camera. 

"Don't look at me!" He snapped before hiding his face in (y/n)'s neck again, which left Schwoz to delegate since he knew what was about to happen. It was all his fault, and the woman made a mental note to kill him once this was all over. 

"Charlotte, go get some towels. Jasper, put on some Cardi B. (y/n), keep supporting Ray. We're having an alien baby!" He chuckled, earning a slap on the head from the woman since she didn't find any of this exciting or interesting, not even as a learning opportunity. She wanted to hide under her bedsheets until it was all over and then curl up and cry into her doofus' shoulder when he was okay again. But no, that wasn't possible, and neither was the possibility of her going out to help Henry take down those thieves. 

"Look, Hen, I'm sorry, but you'll have to handle those thieves yourself. I've got to help the daddy-to-be."

"No problem. I got a great entrance line, and I'm going to walk right up to them and say, you probably think you're so..."

"Argggh!" Henry sighed when Ray screeched in pain again, interrupting what would've impressed him had he not been incapacitated. Still, at least he wasn't (y/n), who had the impossible task of controlling her man-child as he breathed through the pain before lunging forward to grab Schwoz by the collar. 

"You did this to me!" He shouted at the poor man, who cringed at his bad breath after eating the garlicky crouton. However, Ray had a point, and Schwoz cowered under his and his fiancée's glares as they pinned the blame on him, knowing that if he hadn't left those poxy "lychees" lying around, then none of this would've happened. What would he do if this chink broke the couple up? Huh? Henry would have his head. 

"Okay, I'll say it when I get there..." The kid sighed, and with that, the holocall ended, leaving his family to deal with Ray and whatever was about to come out of him. 

"I have a birthing chair set up over there!" Schwoz told (y/n) as Charlotte hurried into the room with about fifteen towels of various shapes, colours and sizes since she didn't know what type a birth needed. Save for a few biology lessons. She knew very little about what was about to happen, so she looked to (y/n), who was deathly pale, slightly sweaty but still holding it together, even if she cringed at the "birthing chair".

"Right, fine. Char, come help me with the patient," she grunted as the genius scampered away to go and prepare for the long road ahead, meaning she had to take his entire weight on her own, which wasn't easy when he was shouting every curse word under the sun. The girl did as she was told and ran to throw Ray's other arm over her shoulders so that they could get him and his temper across the room. 

Her humour was intact; that was a good thing, and Charlotte smiled slightly at her sarcasm until Ray opened his big mouth. 

"Come on! I want this thing out of me! I want my body back!" Ray snarled, even glaring at his precious girl as they dragged him across the room when all he wanted to do was curl up on the floor and die. He missed normality and doing the things he loved, like having his sweet girl practically laying on him when they slept, drinking proper coffee, moving without hurting, peeing less than a million times a day, needing someone to put his socks on, and, most importantly, having a happy, uncomplicated life with his fiancée. 

He wanted to wake up and do grown-up things with her without worrying about lumps and bumps getting in the way. He wanted to walk - not waddle - in a room and see her light up at the sight of him, not light up and dim when her eyes drifted to his...condition. He wanted to take off his shirt and feel attractive again because it freaked her out right now—he knew it did. He wanted to wait a few years until they were settled for a family, as they'd discussed at midnight. He just wanted to forget this ever happened. 

"This is not okay! Do you hear me?!"

"Yes, we hear you, Ray. Stop yelling!" 

"Yeah, doofus. Everything's going to be okay," the girls tried to comfort him, but what should've taken two seconds felt like ten years as they guided him to the chair, which seemed like a mile away when he dragged his heels and kept barking orders at them. 

"None of this is okay! I want to hit someone!"

"Hit Schwoz! He got us into this mess," (y/n) said, not caring whether he did it since she wholeheartedly believed the genius deserved it. Him and his stupid, nonexistent labels on jars. 

"Fine, I'll hit Schwoz!" Ray growled, listening to her through the pain since she made him feel safe, so he uncurled his arm from Charlotte's shoulder, much to the girl's relief, and clumsily aimed at the small man as they neared the birthing chair. Luckily for Schwoz, Ray was dizzy and blinded by the contractions, so he had plenty of time to duck before the mighty fist hit him, sending the hero into a spin that ultimately landed him in the chair. 

"Well, that was easy," (y/n) noted, and she felt better knowing he was in the right place. Wanting his comfort and health above everything, she turned to get her doofus some ice chips from the auto-snacker since that's what they always did on medical TV shows when the expectant mother got thirsty, but the moment she turned her back on him. Ray cried out for her return. 

"Please, (y/n), don't leave me! I can't do this alone," He begged, his hand flying out to grab her elbow as he assumed she was going to leave him to get on with it. He understood; he didn't want her to see him like this either, but the thought of going through alien birth of all things without her made his heart bleed. If he'd ever needed her, the time was now, and he sniffed at her wide eyes, thinking he had disgusted her. 

'Don't worry, darlin'. I disgust me too.'

"I'm not going anywhere, Ray. We're in this together," she assured him, rushing back to his side to clutch his hand. He could squeeze hers as hard as he wanted - and he did when another contraction wracked his body - because she wanted him to know that whilst this was probably the weirdest thing they'd ever do, he wasn't alone. He'd never be alone for as long as she lived. 

"I—I love—-ah, ah—can't you guys give me anything for the pain?!" He whimpered as he writhed in agony, wanting to get those three little words out for the woman who refused to give up on him, but it was just too much. 

"Doofus, don't you remember? Your densitised skin has bent every needle in the Man Cave every time we've tried," (y/n) soothed him, stroking his forehead as she recalled all the occasions Schwoz wanted to take blood for tests or administer vaccines and vitamins for the birth. None of them was sharp or strong enough to puncture his body, leading to a lot of flexible needles left in her first aid kit and a very whiny doofus. 

"Hey! I got the gummy-worm cheeseburger you wanted," Jasper announced as he arrived in the room with some good news. He'd been in the kitchen for god knows how long creating one of Ray's food-craving abominations, and Ray wanted the mishmash of flavours more than anything right now. Just something to take his mind off what was happening to him. 

"Oh, thank you, my sweet boy," the hero sighed, reaching for the bizarre burger as (y/n) bit back a smug smile. She didn't care that that was his name for her, mainly because he used it on Jasper. Not Henry or even Schwoz, but Jasper - the child he swore he hated. Curly was pretty sweet, and with a proud, touched face, he went to hand his boss the sandwich, only for Schwoz to slap it out of his hand. 

"No, you can't eat that!" The bitch. 

"Noooooooo! Whyyyyyyy?!" Ray cried as his sweet and salty snack splattered across the floor, meaning he couldn't eat it, not when his darling girl banned him from any more floor food. Was he not allowed one small comfort? They groaned and grumbled when he wanted to make out with his sweet girl, so he opted for a different taste sensation. Was that not enough?

"Because, normally, this alien baby would burst out of your stomach, but since your indestructible...there's only two ways for it to exit out your body," Schwoz explained, causing everyone to grimace as they pictured two exit holes on Ray's body. One north, one south, and the latter didn't bear thinking about. 

"I'm guessing it will come out of your mouth."

"Thank god for that," (y/n) muttered. She didn't like either option, but she was confident Ray wouldn't show his face to anyone for a year if an alien came out of his...so she steeled herself for what was about to come, namely a mutant creature crawling up his oesophagus. 

"But what if it doesn't come out of his mouth?" Jasper asked, appearing as the moron of the moment as he didn't read between the lines like everyone else, which made Schwoz pause for a moment. There was no delicate way to put it, and there were ladies in the room. 

"Well..."

"I'm out of here!" Charlotte declared, making a beeline for the elevator. She could do many things, but watching an alien baby drop from her boss's ass was not one of them. However, in a surprising twist, (y/n) called out for her, wanting her at his and Ray's side during this difficult time. She needed support and couldn't find it from any of the guys.

"No, no, Charlotte, please. Please don't leave me! You're the only normal one here!"

"Yeah. That's why I'm leaving," the girl replied as her friend gazed at her desperately, knowing she'd go insane if she couldn't talk to someone about what she was going through. Ray was incapacitated. Schwoz was to blame. Jasper tried his best, but he was like a goldfish. Charlotte was the only option without Henry or Piper - girl code?

"No, no, no! If I have to watch my doofus give birth, then I want someone to hold my hand too! So, what do you want?" (y/n) said bravely, swallowing her pride as she prepared to buy the girl's support, even if it meant flexing her doofus' wallet and patience a little bit. She rarely did it, so he didn't mind, and the girl was all ears. 

"Hmm? Name your price. Ray and I will...we'll give you a raise! The Man-Copter! You can have whatever you want, no questions asked, and no whining from him!"

"I'll take a raise," Charlotte shrugged, liking the idea of a few more dollars per hour than a helicopter she couldn't fly. Whilst she loved watching the man who made her job difficult squirm, she wasn't cruel, so against her better judgement, she'd stay for the mother-to-be. Or whatever (y/n) was about to become. 

"Done!" And with that, she walked over to the woman's side, squeezing her shoulder on the way past as she asked Schwoz what she could do to help. Meanwhile, Jasper eyed the expectant couple curiously, seeing how easy it was for his friend to get more money when he was on a mere pittance. 

"I'm outta here too!" He said suspiciously as he inched toward the elevator, hoping they would whine and beg for him to come back. Bribery was shameful, but he was shameless, but when Ray spun in the birthing chair, he saw who it was and made a quick decision. 

"See ya!" Ray said quickly before refocusing on his sweet girl and the rapidly approaching arrival. Jasper's face fell when they chattered about anything but him leaving, and he realised he didn't want to go properly. The appearance of their first child was supposed to be the happiest moment of their lives, something he wouldn't miss for the world, even if he weren't very subtle. 

"Okay, fine. I'll stay."

"Schwoz, you got to get this thing out of me. We've got to go help Henry! He could be in trouble," Ray grunted as his tummy began feeling funny. It was like the...thing was wriggling up through his intestines, going the opposite way it should've done - at least how he expected - and he was sure he would be split in two. He'd never felt pain like it and squeezed his fiancée's fingers so hard; he swore he heard a crunch. Bless her, though; she didn't make a fuss, guided his breathing and tried to rest his worrying mind. 

"Don't worry, sweetheart. He's a smart kid, and he knows what he's doing. Let's focus on you, yeah?"

"Listen to your lady fiancée," Schwoz nodded at (y/n)'s words, who frowned at his bizarre bedside manner, but more so when she glanced his way and saw the terrifying grabber forceps things he was holding. They were huge, primed to pounce and pull the alien baby out, but they also looked like torture devices—her poor doofus. 

"Now, open your mouth and say, ahhhhh!"

"Ahhhhh!" Ray screamed when he saw the torture device, feeling his stomach drop at the thought of it being shoved or stuck in him somewhere. Or perhaps that was his baby moving around. All he knew was he had his sweet girl by his side, and she wasn't going anywhere - thank god for that. Things were about to get weird. 

~

"You're doing well, doofus. Don't give up now—breathe easy...or as well as you can," (y/n) dithered as she cheered her lover on from the sidelines, but she had to admit; this was the weirdest shit she'd ever seen. Her heart lurched at the sight of Ray's bump as it swelled impossibly bigger, but that wasn't the issue. 

She'd seen documentaries and dramas on TV. She knew childbirth wasn't the prettiest or cleanest thing in the world. But dear god, if anyone told her she'd have to watch her future husband give birth through his mouth, she wouldn't punch them. It was terrifying - and now she knew why fathers fainted in the waiting room. 

Watching the bump move and pulsate was weird, but watching as the creature inside began its journey north damn near killed her. Like something from a horror movie, it crawled from Ray's lower intestine to his upper stomach and further. When they thought it would stop, it didn't - as per Schwoz's prediction, and (y/n) nearly threw up as her doofus' throat bulged and wriggled as the thing struggled to get out. 

"I see one of the baby's arms!" Schowz gasped as he peered down the man's frog-like throat, having laid Ray on his back to make it easier. Jasper and Charlotte stood by his feet, the girl supportively holding (y/n)'s hand as she paled at the genius' words. 

"What do you mean one of?" She asked worriedly as her lover moaned and groaned from the pain in his neck, but hey, at least his perfect abs were back. Maybe it was naïve, but she'd always imagined the alien baby as like a little Martian or something - something vaguely human-shaped but with green skin or red eyes, which would possibly be easier to accept. However, Schwoz made it sound weird because normal babies only have two - why didn't it sound like that?

"Only eleven more to go!" Of course, it had eleven. Why not? It could also have three heads and seventeen legs to make her have a coronary and an aneurysm. 

"Just get this fucking...thing out of him before I kill you, Schwoz!" (y/n) snapped, her patience wearing thin now she had a horrifying picture in her head, and a pathetic moan from her doofus made it worse. He was in pain, and it was all Schwoz's fault; the least he could do was deliver the alien so she could...step on it. She could live with a green baby, but not one with eleven arms - they'd never find a school to take it. 

"Yeah, I want to see an alien baby!" Jasper exclaimed, too, although he was trembling for a very different reason. That wasn't his soulmate on the slab, so he wasn't worried—more like shaking with trepidation at the thought of seeing a real-life creature from another planet. 

"It's stuck! I can't get it out!" The small man grunted as he shoved his fingers down Ray's gullet to try and prise the alien from his lower throat - as seen by the ever-growing bulge there - but it shrank away from his fingers. It knew that something was after it and wanted to stay in Ray like a cuckoo in the nest, which was incredibly distressing for (y/n) to watch. 

"Pull harder!" Charlotte told him, rubbing the woman's back as she was forced to take a step back, so the doctor had enough room to operate. Her hands were clamped over her mouth and nose in a prayer-like lattice as if she was trying to smother her sobs and plead for mercy from whichever demon cursed them like this. 

"Come over and help me!" Schwoz ordered them, fed up with all the shouting and curse words directed at him, and no sooner than he said it, they...stayed where they were. 

(y/n) swore she'd have nothing to do with the disturbing process, merely that she'd hold Ray's hand and nothing more, and even though she wanted it out more than anyone, save for the hero himself, she refused to put her hands anywhere near those tentacles. His head was spinning from the lack of oxygen, and he knew he'd need a twelve-hour nap after this. 

"Not a chance. I'm not going near that thing."

"Fine. I have another idea," the handyman sighed and pulled up his gloves as Ray gagged and he switched to plan B. This was going to get messy. "Hold onto your leechees..."

"It's pronounced lychees—" Jasper advised him, much like Henry and (y/n) did days earlier when the whole mess started, but Schwoz wasn't listening. 

In a sudden yet brilliant move, he leaned over and sat the chair up at a blinding speed. The rapid change in velocity meant Ray's body lurched forward, sending the creature in his throat hurtling out into a bright, strange, new world in the blink of an eye, leaving him as indestructible as ever, (y/n) overwhelmed at the relief that instantly flooded her body and Jasper...with the alien on his face. 

He said he wanted to see a real-life alien, and he couldn't get a closer look than that. 

"Aw, it's so cute," Schwoz cooed as Jasper, and the girls screamed, obviously seeing something different to them since the...thing on his face was terrifying. Eleven pink tentacles writhed across the boy's face as the jade-coloured body clamped to his nose, a million red eyes taking in the room it was born in. It was small and covered in a thick mucus that made it hard for Jasper to grab, so it stayed stuck to him, even as he clawed to get it off before its sharp, wide mouth ate him. 

"Cute?! Are we looking at the same alien?! That...thing is—it's a monster!" (y/n) choked on her saliva as she wrapped an arm around her doofus, eyes glued to the creature that had spewed from her lover, who looked around dopily as his head cleared for the first time in days. 

"And I am o-kay!" He groaned and got to his feet as his indestructibility made the pain fade within seconds, and he'd never felt so light on his feet when he slid out of the birthing chair. His beautiful stomach was flat again, his back didn't hurt, his ankles weren't swollen, and better still, he wasn't feeling crabby. However, the best thing had to be the teary girl helping him up, looking so perfect with her tear-stained cheeks and tousled hair. 

As he slid into her embrace and her hand rested on his cheek, marvelling at how handsome he was, the tubes beeped and dropped, signalling Henry's return. The mission had gone well, thanks to Piper, and despite a few bumps in the road, the grease heist had been thwarted, meaning they could celebrate the new, hideous arrival with some sorely needed food. 

"Hey, I got Chinese food!" The kid announced once he landed, looking across the room and seeing several things that baffled him. 

First, he saw that Ray was no longer pregnant since his tunic was still unzipped and showing his deliciously toned body, which was a massive relief. Second, he noted how (y/n) was smiling brighter than she had done in days, her arms curled around her fiancé's waist as they turned and walked towards him with their love stronger than ever. Nothing unusual there, and he didn't even mind when Ray pulled her into a mad, passionate, tongue-filled kiss and gently squeezed her butt. 

They deserved it after so much suffering, but seeing a weird, green, snarling blob on his best friend's face shocked him, and that was hard to do after so many years in the Man Cave. What was that...thing?

"Oh, yes, I'm starving!"

"Me too, doofus. I want some of those noodles," the couple grinned and headed for the couch, still wrapped up in each other as Charlotte and Schwoz joined them, and the kid placed the bag on the table. 

The alien was old news now the food had arrived, and Ray had so much to catch up on anyway. He was going to do the noodle-kiss thing with his sweet girl, he was going to drag her to the showers after, and he was going to let her use his body as a mattress when they went to bed - highly needed after lacking his soulmate for so many days. 

"Whoa, what's on Jasper's face?" Henry asked with a deep frown on his features as his friend shrieked and scrambled for safety, but the green blob wouldn't let go. Ray didn't seem particularly bothered as he hovered over his sweet girl and ripped open the takeaway bag, hoping he could serve her a plateful as any protector and provider should, especially when she'd pandered to his every whim in the last week. 

"That is our son," he replied, patting (y/n)'s shoulder as she shuddered at the idea of mothering a squealing, rabid creature that liked to eat people's faces.

"Aw, congrats."

"Don't rub it in, Hen," she rolled her eyes as Ray handed her a carton of chop suey, and the boy giggled at her mortified expression. Neither she nor Ray looked particularly bothered about the alien, so he guessed that Schwoz would adopt it as one of his many insane pets. Speaking of the mad scientist, he studied the alien as it terrorised the boy in front of them and came to a startling conclusion. 

"I think it's a girl..." he corrected, although no one was quite sure how he could tell. 

"That is our daughter," Ray quickly corrected, which was much worse—nothing at all like the little girl he'd imagined in his dreams. It didn't have her (y/c/e) for a start. 

Henry choked back a laugh as (y/n) glowered at the creature, looking like she wanted to put it in the toilet and flush, and he couldn't help himself. Seeing the couple most suited to being parents in the world shuddering at the idea was just so funny. 

"Aw, congrats."

"We are never speaking of this again," the woman told him sternly, pointing a sharp chopstick under his nose as Ray squeezed her shoulder and gave her a soft smile. Some things are better left untouched and unsaid.

Henry didn't press the matter; instead, he laughed into his stir-fry and began narrating some epic tale about how he took down two grease thieves single-handedly...with a bit of help from his baby sister. Everyone listened eagerly, ignoring the alien on Jasper's face since it wasn't meant to be. 

One day, mini Manchesters would run riot everywhere because Ray wanted an army of kids and (y/n) wanted that too. They'd have a cute house, a cute dog, and a table big enough to seat fifty since they'd have the big family they'd always wanted - a peaceful life in a quiet spot where their real and adopted children would always have a place to stay, no matter where they drifted in life. They'd make sure they had a home and a hot meal to return to. 

Yeah, Ray and (y/n) would make great parents. After all, they'd already had five years of experience.

[shitty-fallout-art]

What do you reckon companions do when they’re bored while waiting for something?

I imagine Strong finding an ant nest and squishing them as they walk along, or chucking rocks at things such as old signs or small trees until they break

X6 probably doesn’t do anything, just stands there (menacingly) as he checks things like supplies, ammunition, etc

Piper probably fidgets with her clothes, drums her fingers, maybe sketches things on an old notepad. I can’t imagine her being still for long, at least in my headcanon

Given how strongs ai acts in (my) game, he seems restless and curious, always like to tinker and poke at things. Probably fascinated by technology to a degree so he probably plays and learns from people until it gets borning or hard to understand.

Preston whistles a lot, I imagine he’s one of those people that kinda always needs to talk or have some kind of noise so if he’s bored he tries to strike up conversation with others or starts thinking out loud about whatever.

Danse will probably do minor exercise or just listen to the radio with his eyes close and try not to fall asleep.

X6 probably people watches a lot and idk I kinda imagine he daydreams a lot. People think he’s all dark and brooding and watching but he’s just imagining himself inside a powersuit with a jet pack and cool flames.

Curie didn’t experience human boredom until she got a living body and even then she assumed she was just hungry or something and so she just ate or drank. A bit of a mixup between bodily autonomy and recognition so she gets restless in a way she can’t describe.

Hancock probably takes a mentat and tries to come up with or solve brainteasers and wordplay.

Maccready probably drinks and smokes just to have something to focus on, probably listens in to other peoples conversations for kicks.

Cait gets angry and frustrated when she’s bored, makes her feel pent up. Doesn’t necessarily try to start shit with people but that’s usually what happens. Also picks at her skin a lot.

Deacons never bored because he never stops working or thinking. Even when you think he’s off the clock he doesn’t let himself stop and relax. Doesn’t like to be alone when he’s bored but he alsways chooses to be.

[music-my-beloved]

3/28/24 (16) -

First Entry: Sooooooo I might relapse on that crush I had ? I started the diary entries a little late but I had (still have) the biggest crush on Rylan Garcia like, EVER ! He looks like a young Robert Kennedy !! Gosh he's so so so handsome. I walk around the hallways at school in the morning just to see him. I used to be so obsessed with him and I would see him everywhere and I would just stare at him non-stop I was insane. I told his friend (my friend too) William that I had a crush on him and he was like, "Oooo uh, he's got a girlfriend -_- and not only that but he's going to leave for the Marines soon as well." GIRL . I was devastated ! His girlfriend and him broke up (woohoo!) but that doesn't fix the Marine problem .. anyway like, girl he was walking to his government class and Oh. Em. Gee. He looked drop dead gorgeous! He was wearing a black belt and high waisted pants with a tight black shirt and I could see his pecs through his shirt oh my lord it was CRAZY. So now I might definitely be totally absolutely walking with a purpose in the morning just to see a certain somebody idk 👉👈

Second Entry: So the guy that I keep making eye contact with isn't here today . I kinda wish he was though. it would give me something to think about. Today is kinda boringgggg. BUT it's the last day before my 4 day weekend so yayyyy :)))))

Third Entry: I'm going to the movies tomorrow with my friendssssss !! We're watching Dune: Two. uhhh the only problem is I haven't seen the first one. Personally I really have no interest in watching it because uh, I hold my own personal prejudices against timothee chalamet and zendaya but whatevs. I'm going out with my girlfriends so of course I feel bad not watching it but stilllllll. I don't wanna do it :P think I might just watch one of those 30 min recaps on youtube or something idk.

Fourth Entry: hiiiiiiii I had peter piper pizza for diinnneerrrr. Erm, the color of the dough kinda concerned me though 'cause it was the same shade of golden brown all over the back and it like . looked artificial to me. like plastic. Still ate tho !! It's giving me some anxiety though 'cause what if something was wrong with it and what if I get food poisoning tomorrow morning ?? I literally CANNOT survive another food poisoning incident . I WILL get suicidal it's not even funny. I get suicidal when I'm nauseous and cold and sick and in pain and bored and anxious and and and and.. sorry I'm crazy :3

[satans-left-asscheeky]

Companions react to Sole using a lash curler and riping out all of their eye lashes

unfortunately I had the misfortune of this happening to me in middle school... Thankfully most of them grew back but I'm still short a few lashes from the experience.

Maccready

"WHAT THE HELL! Why would anyone do that!? OH MY GOD YOU RIPPED ALL OF THEM OUT!?! HOLY SHI- CRAP!"

He'd run around panicking not at all helping the situation at hand. Call it psychosomatic but Mac will swear he could feel the pain as he watched them rip out their own lashes.

Hancock

"Uh Sunshine?..... Im guessing you didn't do that on purpose.... right?"

He knew pre-war they did some weird shit to themselves I'm the name of beauty, but ripping out your own eyelashes? Hell no. Once he realized they definitely did not do it on purpose he'd help them mourn the loss of their lovely lashes.... it maybe different circumstances, but he rembers waking up with a lot less hair.... he however just didn't brutally rip all of his out.

Cait

"HOLY SHITE! Ive seen some gorey shite in my day, but that was like watching a horror movie. Ya alright lad/lassie"

She's not particularly nurturing, but she would make sure he friend was okay. She's not gonna offer her shoulder to cry on, especially since it was their own stupidity that got them in this situation, but she's glad their not hurt.

Danse

"KNIGHT! I-"

He'd stand their like an idiot, words completely failing him until they told him what they needed. Be it Knight Captian Cades assistance or moral support....

Curie

"Oh Monsieur/Madam please hold still..."

She'd look them over noting how red and puffy their eye was and how much it was running.... she'd insist they wear an eyepatch to keep dirt or debris from getting in it an injuring it further.

Deacon

"Wow your eye is really red! Sorry.... I- uh... I know! We'll just have to get matching shades! I think I have a backup somewhere around here.... I'll be right back."

Like promised he'd return to them shades in hand... If nothing else it should keep dirt and stuff outta their eye while their lashes grow back

Piper

"OH MY GOD!!! Uh.... um we can fix it right? Um... I mean it's not that bad... just no eyelashes left... oh god"

She was panicking because what the hell. How were they gonna fix this? Hopefully they'll go back because oh my God.

Nick

"Not sure what you expected when you took a medieval torture device up to your eyeball... oh Jesus kid you alright? that looked like it hurt kid...here lemme see it."

He thought they were just pulling a prank on him at first hence his sass, but once he realized they had indeed hurt themselves he'd rush to their aid, even though there was very little he could do for them beyond emotional support in this situation

Preston

"Just hang on.... I'm going to get the medic"

He'd freak out and rush to whatever settlements they were ats doctor. He didn't care if they really couldn't treat the injury he'd fell better knowing they were going to be alright

X6-88

"I really hope you didn't do that on purpose"

He'd be worried for their sanity until they told him they definitely didn't mean to do that... then he was just worried for their intellect

[that-blue-vault-dweller]

i thought of a kinda funny one! companions react to sole waking them up in the middle of the night and calmly telling them her water broke?

This one was so much fun to write! 😂 Awesome suggestion, anon! 💙💛

Cait - "Are you serious? Right now? Go get in the bed and I'll try to find help! Wait, what?! I can't birth a baby, have you lost your mind?! I'm getting somebody for this dirty work!"

Piper - "Blue... Couldn't this have waited until it was like... I dunno... Maybe not three o'clock in the morning? I know you're having the baby. That's why you're running around looking like you ate a Brahmin whole... Wait... You're having the baby? Now? Yikes... Maybe you could go back to bed and wait for the urge to pass? Maybe cross your legs really hard and think about something else? Heh, heh.... Alright, just.... I don't know, what do they tell pregnant women?! Just... Breathe or something, okay?!"

Curie - "You are having the baby now? Do not worry, Madame! During my time in the laboratory, I filled my database with some basic knowledge about delivering a baby, and you first have to... Hmm... I seem to have suddenly forgot everything I know... And I am breathing rather hard and my heartbeat has accelerated! Madame, what do I do?!!!!!"

MacCready - "Stop poking me.... What's the big idea? You're-- It's coming?! Crap, I can't do this again... Why don't we both just close our eyes and hold hands and you can push and I can try not to freak out? Sound like a plan?"

Deacon - "Hey, what's up?? What the-- woah, okay, then, boss. Quick question, can you put like a cork in it or something so it'll wait until morning--- okay, okay!!! Just give me a sec to pull myself together and grab some water, and we'll hatch this little dude right in this bucket over here!"

Codsworth - "Oh, Mum, the baby is coming now! Goodness gracious, what do I do?! I should go get help, shouldn't I?! But I can't leave you here alone! What do I do, what do I do?!!! MUM, DON'T PANIC, EVERYTHING WILL BE ALRIGHT!!!!!!!!"

Hancock - "What're you doing up at this hour? And why're you waking me up at this hour? You're having it right this very second? Sheesh, you have some real timing, sister. Alright, hold onto the pillow, push, and I'll try to catch it when it falls out of the hole."

Danse - "What's the situation?! You're... Oh... Oh... Oh, boy... I don't think this is... Well, I don't think I should... What would you advise for me to do? I could go guard the perimeter while you, um... do your thing..."

Preston - "What's going on, General? The baby?! Okay, is there anything you need? Can I get you some water, snack, something to squeeze? Whatever it is, I can get it!!!"

Valentine - "Don't worry, I know a little bit about this... Granted, my experience is that I helped a Brahmin have a calf once and I had help.... But don't worry, I'll do the best I can. Bite down on this stick, alright?"

X6-88 - "Is this disturbance a matter pertaining to life or death? Oh... Umm... Ma'am, I think it is best that we teleport to the Institute as soon as possible to search for qualified medical assistance. I am not equipped with the proper... expertise required for this field."

Dogmeat - Knows something is off when she wakes him up, clutching at her stomach. He smells that something is strange and he knows she needs help. So he gives her stomach a worried sniff and licks her hand, caught between wanting to find help and sticking by to protect her. When she starts to writhe about and breathe hard and erratically, he takes off to go find help. When he brings back someone, he just lays nearby her and watches carefully.

Strong - "WHAT?! WHY YOU WAKE STRONG UP??? What is wrong with tiny human?! What do you mean you having baby?! Your stomach hurts?! Oh... You must have poop. Go behind tree. No tell Strong about having to poop. Puny humans so nasty..."

[queenxxxsupreme]

Baby Steps (dad!Arthur Morgan)

A/N: I know the techniques used in this story are wrong and should not be used I.E. using a male companion goat for a foal as they can be aggressive towards the foal, but this is purely fictional so just ignore it! Max is a part of the family and he is there for comedic relief! This is not for informational use! This is entertainment only! 

Warnings: None! just fluffy! 

This is a part 2 to Unlikely Choice which is here! But it’s also sort of a part of the dad!Arthur series I’ve unintentionally started....

***

The feeling of someone brushing their fingers over your hair woke you up. 

“Mornin’, pumpkin.” Arthur’s voice came from your left. He was laying on his side facing you, keeping himself occupied while you slept. 

He had been up for a while now. His struggles of sleeping had followed him from his life as an outlaw. He was lucky to get four hours some nights. 

“Mhmm.” You turned over to face him, keeping your eyes shut. You were still half asleep and you didn’t mind staying that way. 

“You goin’ back to sleep on me?” He chuckled softly, propping himself up on one elbow. 

“If you don’t mind, Mr. Morgan.”

“Well I do mind, Mrs. Morgan.” Arthur dipped his head down to kiss your forehead. “I’ve been up for a while now. Been thinkin’ about a lot. I don’t wanna think anymore. I need you to distract me.”

You sighed, opening your eyes to see him looking down at you. 

“A distraction, huh?”

“That would be appreciated.” There was a teasing glint in his blue eyes. 

“I’m sure it would.” You giggled. “What’s been goin’ through that head of yours?”

You reached up to brush his hair back. The blonde strands were getting a bit long and fell across his forehead. He’d need a haircut soon. 

“Little of this…. A lotta that.” He laid back on the bed, eyes finding the ceiling. 

You scooted as close to him as you could get and put your head on his shoulder. 

“Thinkin’ about how I’ve gotta fix the floorboards to the hayloft. They ain’t safe and I don’t want Daisy gettin’ hurt.”

“You can’t do that by yourself, can you?”

“Nah. I’ll need a couple extra hands.”

“I can help. Whatever I can’t help with, I’m sure Charles would be more than willing to come over and lend a hand.”

“Of course.” Arthur’s hand found the small of your back. “Also been thinkin’ bout a couple other odds and ends around here I gotta fix up.”

You looked up at him, sensing that there was something else, something he wasn’t saying. 

“Anything botherin’ you?” 

“Nothin’ you gotta worry about, pumpkin.” Arthur shook his head. 

“Well I’ll worry more if you don’t tell me.” 

Arthur was quiet for a few moments, lips pressed together in a firm line. 

You sat up and leaned back on one hand. You placed your hand over his heart, brows drawing together. He put his hand on yours, giving you a little squeeze. 

“I don’t want to have to worry so much about you both.” His voice was quiet. “This is our home. Don’t like feeling like we aren’t safe.”

“You’re still thinking about Micah, aren’t you?”

He sat up against the headboard. 

“Arthur, last we heard he was in Reno. We don’t gotta worry about him until we hear he’s closer.”

“I don’t want him any closer than Reno. Last we heard that was a few months ago.”

You looked down at the blanket that covered your legs. You smoothed out the material.

“Just…. Just want to be able to raise Daisy and any others we might have without him loomin’ over my head.” Arthur ran his hand over his face. 

“You want more?” You asked, your voice quiet as your eyes flickered up to meet his.

“Well…. I think it would be nice to try for one more, if you want. Only if you want.”

You moved around to straddle his thighs. 

“Daisy’s just…. She’s a dream, pumpkin.” Arthur placed his hands on your hips. “Still is. Sweet girl.”

“She’s definitely daddy’s girl.”

He smiled proudly. 

“Hey, maybe we could have a boy?” He suggested, blue eyes sparkling with excitement. “Even it out a little. One for you, one for me. I think it’d be nice.”

“Sure would be nice, but we don’t get to pick.”

“I know.” He nodded. His thumb on your hip began to trace circles in the material of your chemise. “Whatever we’d have, I’d love ‘em the same. Another girl would be cute too.”

“You’re adorable.” You leaned in to kiss his lips but just before you could kiss him, there was a knock on the door. 

“Mommy? Daddy?”

Arthur let out a soft sigh, moving his hands from your hips so that you could remove yourself from his lap. You settled on the bed next to him, leaning against his shoulder.

“Come on in, sweetpea.” 

The door opened and Daisy walked in. Carson slipped past her, jumping up onto the bed. Arthur gave him a pat on the shoulder. 

“Good boy, Carson.”

“Good morning, sleepy head.” You greeted Daisy with a smile. “It’s a little early for you to be up, hon.”

“I want to go out to the barn.” She climbed up onto the bed and clambered across your legs. 

“Oh, I reckon it’s far too early to go to the barn.” Arthur teased her. 

“Nuh-uh! You and Papa Hosea are always up early and outside in the barn!”

“What are you so eager to go out to the barn for anyways?” He brushed a few pieces of her hair back behind her ear.

“I wanna see my horse.” She admitted bashfully. 

Ohhh. I see.” Arthur nodded. “Well, why don’t you give me and momma here a few minutes to get out of bed and get dressed. Is Papa Hosea up?”

“Yeah he is. He’s out on the porch.”

“Go on out there with him. Have him take you to the barn while I get up.”

“Okay, daddy!”

Daisy was off of the bed and dashing out of the door in the blink of an eye. Carson was right behind her, eager to start the day. 

“Today is a busy day, Arthur Morgan.” You patted his thigh before getting out of bed. “John and Abigail should be here with the kids before noon. I was thinkin’ of invitin’ Charles and Lucy over too.”

“Of course.” Arthur nodded his head. He threw his legs over the side of the bed and rubbed his face. “Hey, pumpkin?”

“Yes, my love?” You turned to look at him. 

“You know I love you, don’t ya?”

A smile tugged at the corners of your lips. 

“I know. You gave me a baby girl and this beautiful house.” You moved around the bed to stand between his legs. “Love you too, you know.” Your arms slipped around his neck. His hands brushed along your thighs as he smiled up at you.

“Wouldn’t have her without you.” He leaned forward to kiss your stomach. 

“You’re feelin’ awfully sweet this morning.” You brushed your fingers through his hair. “Anything else on your mind, cowboy?”

“Just my girls.”

***

Arthur kept his hand on the small of your back as he walked you out to the barn. 

“Hey, you think we should get Hosea a mule when Silver Dollar finally croaks?” He teased as he pushed the barn door open with his shoulder. 

“Don’t you be talkin’ crass about my horse, Arthur Morgan.” Hosea spoke from where he sat in the barn. He was on a stool outside of the stall Daisy’s horse was in. Daisy was on her knees at the bottom of the stall reaching through the bottom of the fence so she could pet the foal. 

“I didn’t expect you to hear me, old man.” 

“Silver Dollar’s outlived a lotta things.” You looked over to Arthur, giving him a little smile. “Doubt he’s gonna go anytime soon.”

“When he does, I’m not gettin’ another horse.” Hosea shook his head. Almost as if happy about his owner’s statement, the Turkoman at the end stall whinnied and stuck his head over the stall door. 

“Then how the hell are you gonna get around?” Arthur moved to greet Silver Dollar. “Hey, boy.”

“I’ll figure it out when the time comes. But you know what I am gonna do? I’m gonna invest in sheep.”

“Sheep?” Arthur repeated. “Don’t we go enough of those?”

While they carried on their conversation, you moved towards Daisy. 

“Have you picked out a name yet, Daisy?”

“Haven’t thought of one.” She frowned, rubbing along the filly’s back. 

“Come on. Let’s go in and keep her company.” You opened up the stall and walked in. 

Daisy followed behind you, sitting down in the straw beside the filly. 

“Well, does she like anything? Any treats you give her?”

“She likes the carrot pieces we gave her last night.”

“Really liked them.” Arthur leaned over the stall, folding his arms along the top as he looked down at you both. “Carrot’s a cute name, ain’t it sweetpea?”

“It’s a silly name.”

“Yeah. But hey, it’d fit right in with what I call you and momma.” He chuckled. “Sweetpea, pumpkin, and Carrot.”

“You’re silly!”

“What names do you like, Daisy?” You asked her, reaching out to pull a piece of straw from her hair. 

“I don’t know.” 

“Well what name do you got in your head, silly?” Arthur reached down to ruffle her hair. 

Daisy giggled again, reaching up to grab his hand. 

“In that storybook momma read me the other night, there was a girl named Piper in it.” 

“Piper, huh? Piper is a neat name.” 

“I like that name.” You looked down at the filly and rubbed her nose. “I think she’s a pretty girl.” 

“You think she could be a Piper?” Daisy asked. 

“Oh, definitely. Don’t you think the same, daddy?” You looked up at Arthur. 

“Piper suits her well.” 

“Now only if we could get the damn thing to walk.” Hosea muttered from his seat. Arthur sent him a glare. 

“Why do you think she won’t walk, papa?” Daisy looked over to him, a frown etched on to her lips. 

You looked up at Arthur, who rubbed his eyes. 

“It’s hard to tell, honey.” Hosea rubbed his neck. “But she looks like a strong one. I’m sure she’ll be walking in no time.”

“Can we make her walk?” Daisy’s eyes found you. 

You opened your mouth to answer but found that you didn’t know the right thing to say. You looked up at Arthur. 

“Yeah, sweetpea. Let’s give it a try now. She ate well last night. Should have some energy in her.” Arthur pulled open the stall door. “You go stand out with papa, Daisy.” 

“Okay, daddy.” 

Daisy moved out of the stall and instead peered through the fencing. 

“You wanna give me a hand, pumpkin?” He held his hand out for you. 

“Of course. Just tell me what you need me to do.” 

Arthur pulled you to your feet and brushed off your skirt. 

“You know how we had that calf a few winters ago that wouldn’t listen to me but loved you? Try to encourage her to get up.”

“You think she’ll listen to me?”

“It’s worth a try.” 

“Has she stood up at all?” 

“No.”

“Thought you would’ve learned by now not to trust greasy conmen, Arthur.” 

“Shut up, Hosea.” Arthur muttered. 

You took a piece of apple from the bowl Arthur brought into the barn and knelt down in front of Piper. You put the apple piece in front of her nose, letting her get a little nibble of the treat before pulling it away. 

She tried to follow you by stretching her neck but that only got her so far. 

“Come on, girl.” Arthur encouraged, giving her flank a little pat. “Gotta get up.” 

She lifted herself up on to her front hooves as if she wanted to stand but that was where she stopped. 

“Good girl.” You rubbed her head and let her nibble on the apple a little more. “Sweet Piper. Just a little more, sweetie.” 

“Come on, Piper!” Daisy anxiously spoke from outside of the stall. 

Piper looked like she was ready to stand up, but at the last second she seemed to give up and her front legs buckled. She fell back to the ground, whinnying and flicking her ears. 

You stood up, putting your hands on your hips. Arthur watched you from where he was knelt down behind Piper. 

“Whatcha thinkin’ bout, pumpkin?”

“Max.” 

“Oh no.” Arthur stood up, shaking his head. “That goat is not teachin’ this horse any bad habits.”

“He won’t teach her nothin’ but maybe to walk.” 

***

Max was a Saanen goat that you kept on the farm with a handful of other goats. 

Max was a handful to deal with. He was mischievous and liked to stir up trouble wherever he could. His favorite activity to do was harass your husband. Max was sweet and nice to you and Daisy. He just didn’t like many people. 

Max followed you to the barn, bleating loudly for attention. 

“I don’t think this is a good idea.” Arthur muttered, blue eyes carefully watching Max as he trotted through the barn. 

“Just trust me.” You put your hand on his arm as you opened the door to Piper’s stall. 

Curious, Max followed you into the stall. Once he saw Arthur was in there, he bleated and scratched his front hoof against the floor. 

But then Piper let out a high pitched whinny, catching Max’s attention. The goat’s ears perked up and he redirected himself towards the foal. He bleated, sniffing curiously at Piper’s leg, and then he bounced around and dug his head at her flank. 

“What’s he doing?” Daisy asked. 

“I think he’s trying to get her to play with him.” Hosea rubbed Daisy’s shoulder. 

Piper placed her front hooves on the ground and whinnied once more. Max bleated. 

With bated breath, you watched as Piper stood up on shaky long legs. Daisy almost clapped her hands but Hosea stopped her, not wanting to spook the animals. 

Max sniffed Piper and then took off out of the stall. 

Piper watched him leave, ears perked up as she listened. 

“Well. That could’ve gone worse.” Arthur said. 

“She’s standing up!” Daisy exclaimed. 

Piper moved around a little, her knees shaking as she explored her stall. 

“When can I start to work with her? Like you did with Poncho?” Daisy’s question was directed to Arthur. 

“Baby steps, sweetpea. We can’t work her too hard.”

But daddy-!”

“Daisy.” You cut her off, keeping your voice gentle. “Don’t raise your voice at him.”

She frowned, looking down at her hands. 

“Maybe in a week or two, sweetpea. Gotta make sure Piper’s good on her feet.” Arthur patted the foal’s flank. 

The filly whinnied, then dipped her nose into the bucket of water in the corner of her stall. 

“I’m gonna go start breakfast.”  You told Arthur. 

“I reckon I’ll go down and see if Charles is up. See if he ain’t too busy and wants to give me a hand with the hayloft.”

“Okay. Be safe.” You leaned in to kiss him. He kissed you gently and chastly, placing his hand on your side. 

“I’ll let you know before I leave.” 

You nodded and turned to exit the barn. 

Arthur watched you leave, then his eyes flickered down to Daisy. 

“Daddy? You think I can take her out to the pasture? Maybe she wants to get some sun.” 

“Yeah, sweetpea. You can go out there with her. S’long as you’re careful and don’t get behind her when she’s standin’.” 

“I’ll go out and watch her.” Hosea offered, moving away from the stall. “Let you get some work done. Make yourself useful.”

“So you get to sit on your ass while I do all the hard work?” 

“Precisely.” Hosea chucked. 

Arthur shook his head, a grin pulling at his lips.

Taglists:  @doggone-cowgirl @winterwolf @lauramb7 @caraqas @bluscryn @krenee1drful @zodiacaldust @nonodino @gabstaroc @cal-lifornication @thefirelordm @sargeantsea @sokkasdarling @thecollection @mayday1284 @kashasenpai @misskrql

If your name is in italics, it wouldn’t let me tag you :(

[minisugakoobies]

Happy Hour Hyung Line- What were your personal reactions to the events that went down at the bar and at the bowling alley? If you had to choose a night to repeat which one would it be?

Yoongi: Hmm, our personal reactions? I thought that night at Pied Piper was a little weird. YN seemed to be… going through it. A lot of it. Whatever “it” was. *frowns* Also, she ate all my hot wings.

Namjoon: Yeah, Pied Piper was intense. I’ve never seen YN like that! The singing, the dancing, the, uh, grinding on the pool table. It… left an impression.

Hobi: That explains a lot about your little show at bowling alley! I thought your moves looked familiar - stole a few from YN, hmmm?

Namjoon: *turns red, pretends he suddenly can’t hear* Jin-hyung, what did you think?

Jin: I don’t want to talk about it. *pouts, rubbing a miniscule, nearly imperceptible scar on his face*

Hobi: Hyung! Be nice. *smiles warmly* Those were two pretty fun nights. I personally enjoyed both of them. Though the bowling alley was a little better for me because I didn’t end up breaking any tables.

Yoongi: I don’t remember much from the bowling alley, honestly. Except someone kept purring really loudly.

Namjoon: You, hyung. You kept purring.

Yoongi: So I guess if I were forced to relive one of those experiences, it’d be the bowling alley.

Namjoon: I would also choose the bowling alley.

Hobi: Oh really? Any particular reason why? *grins, wiggling his eyebrows*

Namjoon: *turns crimson, pretends to answer a phone call*

Hobi: I would relive both of them if I could. I miss my baby. Can’t wait until she’s back home again!

Yoongi: That wasn’t the question, Hoba. Pick one to repeat.

Hobi: Okay, if I could only do one, it'd definitely be the bowling alley. *glances cheekily at Namjoon, who is practically purple at this point, talking to no one on his phone* Only because I want a replay of YN yeeting herself off that counter like Wonder Woman. Except my baby didn’t even need that invisible jet to fly!

Jin: *mutters under his breath, still touching his face* I need new friends.

************************************************************************

Thank you for the question, anon! Hope you enjoyed their answers. 💕

Happy Hour 🍺 Happy Hour 2: The Hyungs Strike Back

[ironmandeficiency]

falcon, falcon, goose!

pairing: sam wilson / reader

word count: 3547

summary: there were reports of geese leading people to their soulmates spanning centuries, and it seemed like a cool concept, but why did it have to coincide with you coming out of your writing slump?

warnings: cursing, geese, dumbassery, implied happy au where the avengers get along, iw and endgame who?

a/n: this is an older piece i wrote a couple years ago, decided to brush it up and repost it. and the reader works for snl bc why the hell not? keep in mind that the original was written before everything went to shit w iw & endgame. posted from mobile yet again yall what is wrong w me

it was a sunny day outside, and deciding that you had been cooped up for far too long, you brought your laptop to the park a couple blocks from your studio apartment.

being a writer for saturday night live wasn't always so peachy, what with the lack of a social life outside of your co-workers and constantly explaining your job to confused relatives. you had been in a slump for the past couple weeks, the fact most of your sketch ideas not making the cut for the next episode continuing to throw you off your rhythm.

this week, you were going to change that. Your headphones were playing your concentration playlist full volume and you were hyped to the max. with your laptop on the picnic table in front of you and a warm cup of tea beside it, you were ready to blow the producers away with your next idea.

"honk! honk!"

you felt something nudge your leg, but you were too engrossed into what you were typing to care. after getting through a few more lines, it happened again.

"honk! honk! honk!"

you couldn't hear the sound but the feeling on your leg got a little bit rougher, more demanding. you moved your headphones to the side for a minute and took a moment to look around you. there was no kid running to get their ball back or any squirrels nearby that dropped a nut.

strange.

but you put your headphones back on, trying to keep your groove alive while hoping the interruptions are finished.

"HONK! HONK! HONK!" the goose honked louder, pecking at your leg harder than it had earlier.

you were getting frustrated and a little pissed. the creativity was flowing through your veins for the first time in what felt like ages and this — whatever it was — decided that today was the best day to annoy you.

you kicked your legs out with a strange flail and when you came into contact with something large and solid you nearly screamed.

"ow! motherf- oh my god!"

standing on the ground beside your table was a goose. it honked yet again with impatience (geese could do that?) and nipped lightly at your thigh closest to it. looking to the pond nearby, it was nearly an entire gaggle of the damned things.

so here was this goose honking at you and nipping at you like you were supposed to know what the hell it wanted from you.

"i don't have any bread, dumbass. go find someone else to bother." thinking it would leave if you ignored it, you turned away and continued your work.

"HONK! HONK!" it continued to honk and decided to peck you before flapping its wings, landing itself on the table next to your computer.

"get outta here, ya damn goose!" while you were trying to shop it away, it expertly evaded you. "go! shoo! leave me alone!"

it just stayed over on the bench, expertly dodging your attempts to get it to leave.

a few people nearby had heard your altercation with the infernal bird. one of them was an older gentleman that laughed as he sat across from you, the mirth in his eyes glinting as you give him a sarcastic side eye while trying to deal with the current issue.

"that bird won't leave you alone, you know." At his voice, the goose calmed down and waddled a few feet away from your arm's reach.

that was the first time the thing had been seemingly calm since he showed up at your little table.

"what do you mean he won't leave me alone?"

he pauses, part of him enjoying the irritation in your tone. he remembers someone talking to him like he was to you many years ago, and it made his heart smile at the idea of repaying the favor. "have you ever read about soulmate geese?"

"hey we're gonna go for a run, wanna join?" steve’s offer was given with a smirk. ever since reuniting with bucky, the two supersoldiers found so much humor in doing laps around sam every time they went out jogging.

it annoyed the shit out of him, the "on your left" comments from steve and the newer "on your right" jabs from bucky, but it also pushed Sam to work harder during his runs. ultimately he knew his non-enhanced body didn't stand much of a chance beating them, but he enjoyed when he was able to close the gap between their times just a little bit.

"sure, just gimme a few to eat breakfast and I'll join you guys." the blond nodded and turned back to the elevator, having woken up far earlier than sam and therefore already ate.

he hummed otis redding as he laid the bacon flat into the pan, shoulders moving along with his created rhythm while changing the grounds in the coffee filter. this was how he spent most of his mornings, barring the occasional hangovers and missions where he couldn't afford the distraction.

he ate, got dressed, and told FRIDAY to let bucky and steve know he was ready to go. h had his water bottle in hand, giving his body a pep talk in preparation for the run. they met in the common room and soon, the trio was off.

"on your left!"

"on your right!"

"oh, come on!"

he knew it was gonna happen, but for some reason it felt like it happened sooner than normal. either they were trying really hard to mess with him today, or he was off his game. but regardless, he pushed his body harder than he probably should have because when there was something obstructing his path, he didn't pause. no, he charged it straight on through and fell hard.

steve and bucky had seen this from a distance and immediately rushed to get to their friend.

sam rolled onto his back, exhausted and now in terrible pain from the fall. he closed his eyes and just let it all sink in. when he opened his eyes at the sudden foul smell flooding his nostrils, he could feel the palpitations, thinking he was about to have a heart attack.

"holy shit!" sam sat up like a rocket despite the way his body was throbbing from the fall.

the goose stared at him curiously and turned its head toward the pounding footsteps from the approaching brooklynites.

"sam! What happened?" steve was concerned, inspecting sam while bucky noticed the bird. The brunet bent down to meet the goose eye-level and was somewhat surprised that it didn't run away at the close proximity.

"did you trip the dumbass? was it your fault sam landed on his face? Huh, little guy?"

"honk! honk!"

"i thought so. good job, man." bucky pats the animal on the head gently before turning to help steve get sam off the ground.

"nothing’s broken but there's probably a sprain, can't really be sure until we get to cho." sam and bucky lift their friend from the pavement and they have no problem supporting his weight.

they began the walk back to the tower in silence. well, almost silence. there was a faint pitter-patter of tiny, webbed feet behind them that sam and bucky weren't paying attention to.

steve noticed the goose slowly waddling behind the trio and looked at sam with a smile. sam responded to steve’s happy face with a glare, not enjoying any of the situation he found himself in.

"look behind us, guys."

both men took turns looking behind them and see the goose waddling behind them patiently. sam wasn't particularly happy about the culprit from moments before trailing behind him, but bucky thought it was hilarious.

"do you know what this means?"

sam rolled his eyes because he thought the blond was about to make some sort of poetic comment about one thing for another.

bucky had paused to think about the implications of a random goose for a moment before gasping. "dude," bucky nudged sam softly, being conscious of his friend's injuries. "you’re gonna meet your soulmate, man!"

"a soulmate goose. man come on, are you out of your mind?"

"steve got his goose back during the war, i think we know enough about it."

sam had only heard vague reports of soulmate geese throughout his life, but now that he thought about it, it did make sense. the goose showed up randomly in the middle of his routine, completely throwing him off, and was now refusing to leave him alone.

"well if this is my soulmate goose, then somebody’s gotta tell tony about our newest avenger." they laughed at the implication, viciously eager to witness tony’s reaction to the newest resident of avengers hq.

it has been three days of dealing with your goose, and you were now teased at work as “bird brain”, walking into your office to see several loaves of bread covering the desk. your goose, that you had named piper once you got home, was excited at the prospect of more food, but you planned on donating most of the bread to local shelters, only keeping a couple loaves for the house.

the guest host that week was mick jagger, and he had emerged into the room “i dream of jeanie” style, startling both you and piper, who honked at him in irritation.

it was time for you to work on the song for your little sketch with him, and you had only two more days before performance night (it was thursday) to finish writing it. after settling down and getting into the right mindset, the writing process had begun.

"alright let's see," mick murmured. "let’s all go to the picnic, let's all have a drink. what rhymes with 'drink'?"

you thought for a moment and said quietly, "think?"

you weren't prepared for the absurd response you received from the man, his accent making him round mean as he barked out a loud "NO!" with an unnecessary hand gesture.

piper just about lost it. she was honking and flapping around your office in a tizzy (but staying away from mick because the man was seen as a stranger she wasn't comfortable with).

you racked your brain for another solution, something else to rhyme with 'drink' and you eventually found it: "sink?"

mick thought about it for a moment before replying with a much lighter "yes!" also paired with unwarranted pointing.

‘motherfucker, is this how you write songs?!'

thursday and friday came and went, and soon it was time for your piece to be performed by mick. du to an accidental ankle twist someone else suffered, you were forced to perform a skit live for the first time in your career. it would have been great, but there was one teensy problem: piper blatantly refused to leave your side when it was time to perform, and she would honk and bite anyone that tried to keep her from you onstage.

even poor bobby, who she had grown fond of, was taking the brunt of it. she was not allowing you to be more than a couple feet away from her, and it was almost endearing if you weren't being broadcast on national television.

apparently, piper would also be making her debut appearance on saturday night live tonight as well.

saturday had arrived, and it was sam’s day of rest. he spent the day doing the bare minimum, eating junk food and watching almost everything on netflix he could find.

he didn't stray too far from tradition, not really. it was just that now he had a goose accompanying him the entire time, honking at this and that and eating occasional pieces of popcorn that sam didn't want to share.

he didn't mind his feathered companion, he was actually quite fond of his goose at this point. whitewing (not to be confused with redwing) was the most calm goose any of them had seen, no biting or nipping and especially no honking at ungodly hours of the night.

steve was perplexed. "Are you sure whitewing hasn't done anything bad? no waking you up at night or bites when you don't feed him soon enough?"

sam would chuckle and shake his head, proud to have such a calm goose. "why are you so keen to see him misbehave? aren’t all soulmate geese like this?"

"for lack of a better word, most geese are assholes. i don't know how whitewing is so well behaved," steve balked at the very idea of all geese being so mellow and decided it was story time.

steve’s goose from the century before was the most rambunctious animal anyone had ever seen. he recounted the first and several occasions following where his soulmate goose, jimmy, fended off the blond man's alleyway attackers.

sam was extremely grateful that whitewing had less feral and goose-like tendencies. whitewing was extremely well behaved and had an almost human way about him, the way he honked in reply to sam or the rest of the team when they talked to him.

it was late in the evening when clint decided to plop down onto the couch and flick the channel to nbc, where tonight's host was mick jagger.

"why are we watching this?" sam was enjoying his sitcoms before the other bird man had showed up.

"i haven't watched it in ages, plus mick jagger is on tonight."

"alright, whatever you want."

the intro played like usual, and whitewing was perfectly complacent. they laughed in the right places with the occasional honking from the bird, and everything was great.

"hey man, look!" clint interrupted, keeping sam from being able to hear the punchline. "i think that's a goose!"

"why is there a goose? The skit has nothing to with-"

sam and clint seemed to come to the same realization at the same time as whitewing, the goose beginning to honk incessantly. he was going absolutely berserk, flapping his wings and hopping off of sam’s lap and onto the coffee table, occasionally pecking at the tv where he saw the other goose.

he was going absolutely bonkers.

"whitewing! whitewing, no! calm down!" sam scrambled to calm down his goose, but he was having none of it. the whole entire skit, whitewing was honking and flapping and being a general nuisance.

he found his soulmate.

whitewing kept at it until the screen went to a commercial, his soulmate off of the screen.

"y’know," clint spoke around a slice of pizza. when did he get pizza? "if you hurry, you could go to the studio and meet your soulmate. the show is about halfway over."

before sam could think over the proposition, tony’s voice was heard from the corridor. "somebody shut that damned bird up before I pay ramsay to cook it!"

"i’m taking care of it!"

with that, sam heads to the armory with whitewing on his tail to get his wings. once he's equipped, sam heads to the window and jumps, immediately setting his course for studio 8h and his soulmate.

you’re released to go back to your office once you finish the skit alongside mick and piper, the show almost over. you’re gathering your things lazily, knowing that you have no other responsibilities for the night.

just as you lock your office and piper is waddling beside you without a care in the world, you see kyle running towards you with a look of fear in his eyes. that fear seems to only triple when his eyes land on piper beside you.

"kyle! what’s-"

"there’s another goose on the set! no one is safe!"

wait, was he bleeding?!

you were going to try and help your friend but one look at piper sent him off the rails, the lanky man nearly falling on his ass in an attempt to skid the corner. you hoped that someone would help calm your panicked friend, seeing as you were literally the worst person for the job at the moment.

without further incident, you are able to say goodbye to cecily and mikey before you're stopped in your tracks by michael, who gives piper a funny look.

"wait, so the goose that attacked kyle wasn't piper?" You shake your head in confusion. "dude, your soulmate must have come to the set!"

piper must have either understood what your co-worker had said or she could sense a change in the studio, but she began to honk erratically and run away from you. the last thing new york needed was two feral geese running around attacking people, so you did what anyone would do and ran after her.

"piper! piper, come back!" michael laughed as you chased after your goose. while you were running, you nearly died when you heard a honk that you knew wasn't from your piper. hers were carved into your brain, and you were positive that you could pick hers out of an entire gaggle of geese, so there was indeed a second goose in the studio.

to your dismay, piper did not stop and wait, she just kept on honking and flapping and scaring people in pursuit of the other goose, poor old you having to chase her.

there was another voice you assumed was yelling at his goose since you didn't know of anyone naming their kid whitewing. your eyes were not looking straight ahead when you suddenly bumped into someone, immediately stumbling a bit before regaining your balance.

piper had stopped her honking and that scared you. did someone hurt her? was she-

her and another goose were making muted honks to each other. they sounded like affectionate honks, which is one of the weirdest sentences you ever constructed in your head. but it was true! they were cuddling close to each other and making really quiet honking noises at each other, and if that wasn’t affectionate then you didn’t know what would be.

so if piper found her soulmate, that means yours was-

"i hope comin' to your job was okay. whitewing wasn't gonna give up until I left, so here we are." your eyes were dragged from the touching scene of piper and her special goose to a pair of dark brown irises that radiated warmth and a promise of happy days.

you were absolutely dumbstruck. your mouth was unable to form coherent words, so you decided to take in the appearance of your soulmate. he was wearing a soft grey tee and sweatpants, and socks without shoes. did he realize how unsanitary the streets of new york were?

but upon further investigation, you realize that he probably didn't walk to the studio. on his back was what you would normally call a jetpack, but when you recognize the face your mind completes the puzzle: your soulmate is sam wilson, otherwise known as the falcon. holy shit.

"uh yeah of course, i guess you flew here? no sane person in new york would walk around barefoot in the street." did you really just say that?!

sam nodded and then remembered that he was in his pajamas in front of his soulmate without any shoes. "yeah, he wasn't gonna stop attacking the tv once he saw uh…"

you realized he was asking for your goose’s name, and so you hastily gave it to him.

"yeah, once he saw piper, he went wild. caused more chaos in five minutes than he did in five days!"

you laugh, the nervousness falling away as you recount the story of you first meeting with piper.

people are staring at the pajama-clad avenger and his soulmate, their geese finally satisfied. after all, it wasn't every day so many people were able to watch soulmate geese (and their people) meet for the first time.

sam gently took your hand, his thumb smoothing the skin on the back of it, just listening to you talk. you asked him a question about whitewing and he was in the middle of telling you when he cut himself off. "i just realized i don't even know your name!"

in most scenarios you’d be slightly put off by this, but you didn't have an issue because of the specific circumstances. if he weren't an avenger you wouldn't have known his either, and plus, no one really pays attention to the little rat writers. you give him your name and smile when he introduces himself, his voice even helping show off the brightest smile you’ve ever seen.

with impeccable goose timing, piper and whitewing honk at you to hurry your introductions and leave the studio.

"do you want to fly back to your place , or can I drive you?" it was a risk to ask him such a question, but you were genuinely concerned. you hoped he wouldn't think you were trying to jump his bones only minutes after meeting him so you used (terrible) humor to show your intentions. "you shouldn't fly so late at night without headlights, no matter how high up you get."

sam’s laughter was infectious and soon you joined him, your geese about to get more irritated with their humans.

"yeah, I'd like that. lead the way, soulmate." piper and whitewing honk as the two of you head to the lobby hand in hand, the birds waddling behind you just as happy as soulmate geese could be.