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queen-of-writing-bad-things · 6 days ago

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Henry Danger The Movie Reader Insert | Chapter 9. What Is A Schwoz?

pairing: Ray Manchester/f!reader + Platonic!Henry Hart/f!reader

summary: Henry scrambles to work out a way to get him and (y/n) home. He has an idea, but Jasper, Piper, and even Missy have no idea what he's talking about. Tell them: what is a Schwoz?

rating: F - no warnings really. odd sprinkling of adult language and alcohol consumption. that's it.

word count: 3.8k

a/n: SCHWOZIEEEEEEE. i love him.

Thank you for reading! I (respectfully) yearn for likes, comments, and reblogs. Click for vibes

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As Jasper soared overhead, dipping, spinning, and zooming with his cape flapping in the multicoloured lights, Henry had no choice but to go wherever Piper and Frankini took him.

Missy and (y/n) followed closely behind, trying not to giggle at how the hero dragged his heels, hoping friction would work in his favour, but they were freakishly strong. With the drama queen on one arm and his sister on another, Henry chuckled awkwardly, not liking how they dragged him into a quieter but no less nauseating part of the club.

"Tables!" Frankini yelled, gesturing with his usual flare and grandeur. Like something out of the kid's worst nightmare, Shimmers employees appeared out of thin air, carrying whatever their boss commanded, and of course, Captain 'Stache had free reign of the skies.

"Look out!" Jasper said as he dodged anyone on the dancefloor, narrowly missing a man in a very glittery shirt.

It was beyond weird to see him like that – unafraid and unashamed to have all eyes on him. (y/n) barely recognised him, and not just because he was practically a passing blur in a seventies cowboy cosplay.

He was Jasper, sure, but he wasn't her Curly – was too brash and corny for that, so she and the kids had to remember. This wasn't reality. This wasn't home. Someone really needed to remind Henry of that.

"You know what? I'm, uh, I got a thing!" He said nervously, eyeing the door over his shoulder, not that Frankini heard.

"Tacos!" He shouted, and the waiters brought just what Piper had ordered—a tiered arrangement of crispy corn shells filled with the most delicious ingredients, hand-delivered by two girls on rollerblades.

Everyone gasped, mouths watering as the tacos rolled closer, with the girls realising it had been a hot minute since they last ate. Henry was equally ravenous, secretly wanting to lick his lips and groan at the sight became damn, they look goooood. Maybe some bits of the fanfic world weren't too bad, but he had to remain focused and escape this shimmery loony bin.

"Those look good, but I just—"

"And..." If only Frankini would let him get a word in. "A slow jam!"

The DJ flipped the record, and the upbeat disco number switched to a soft, slow-dancing number – the type that had all the couples rushing to the floor. Frankini loved it, throwing his hands in the air like he didn't care, leaving the young ones and their pink-wearing friend to their private booth, although the long, blond beanpole needed to lighten up.

"Little guy always feels better after he eats..." cooed Piper, tickling her brother under his chin, annoying him in a way that only a little sister could.

She knew him better than most and wasn't wrong, drawing a smile from (y/n/n) when they both recognised the signs that he was hangry. Prodding his cheeks and nose, squeezing his weedy yet muscular arm, the girl giggled, finding his foul mood amusing.

"Why are you talking to me like I'm a baby?" The boy asked indignantly, shirking her off with a sour frown. "I'm not a baby, okay? I'm a grown-up!"

"You like it when (y/n) calls you her baby," said Piper as she pouted at how he ruined her fun. She gave her brother that dry, all-knowing stare – the one that called bullshit – but Henry just scoffed, avoiding all eye contact, especially from the woman standing just out of his peripheral vision with her hands on her hips and a very unimpressed look.

"That's different..."

"Look, Hen, if you don't want me to call you my baby anymore, all you gotta do is say it," (y/n) told him, although the thought made her heart crack a little.

The kid turned to her in alarm, eyes wide and fearful at her impassive face. It wasn't cool or mature; it was embarrassing to know she'd always bake him cookies and wash his dirty laundry – let him crash at her house and cry into her shoulder if he needed it. He'd never go to his real mom for that. Doubted she'd even care now she had the house all to herself.

But (y/n/n)? To be no one to her? To be on the outside looking into her nest as the others preened under her Hell no. He was her baby. The first. The best. Even if he didn't want to say it.

"No!" He replied a little too quickly for it to be considered casual before he composed himself. "No, (y/n/n), don't do that. It's just..."

"It's just...?" The heroine raised an eyebrow, not liking his vibe. She couldn't quite describe it, but how he flipped on Piper and flopped to pander to her didn't sit right. Her tummy tingled – and not in a good way.

"I've got grown-up problems, and eating this taco isn't going to make me feel better!" It sounded like a diversion, eyeing the taco tower instead of meeting her questioning gaze.

"Oh, yeah?" (y/n) folded her arms as his childishness reminded her of when her actual baby started whining – not a good look for a grown-up, as he liked to call himself. She took a taco from the platter and placed it in his hand, unbothered when a few lettuce strings tumbled onto the floor.

"Well, how about you have one, take a chill pill at the same time, and then see how you feel?"

Henry blinked, still grouchy yet stunned upon hearing her sharp tone. He stared at the snack in his palm, hating to be a hypocrite and eat it, but the heroine was scary when she was stern. And he didn't want to know what she'd do if he disobeyed. "...I could do that."

"Good. And take that chip off your shoulder," she answered with a slight nod, satisfied when he nibbled at the crispy shell. "No one likes a whiner, Henry."

As Frankini placed a drink in her hand – and God, she needed it, Piper and Missy slid in beside the older woman, hiding their smirks since they didn't get the scolding. Henry was left to demolish the tacos, leaving nothing but crumbs and the icky, vegetabley bits as he ate silently.

The others chatted and laughed, entertained by the slow jam and the club owner's antics until the hero finally felt better. After fifteen minutes, with a full tummy and a chance to calm down, he looked up at them, sighing contently and wiping the sour cream from the corner of his mouth with a napkin.

Apparently, the girls knew him too well. "Oh, my God... I feel so much better."

"Make room for Captain 'Stache." However, a guy could change his mind.

Henry watched as Jasper, tired of his zoomies, floated down to their table. He, his stupid cape, and his even stupider moustache perched on the plush sofa, taking the space beside (y/n/n), so she had a boy on either side. The hero quickly relaxed into the soft, shiny leather and smirked at his friends at the table, spreading his arms across the back whilst his sidekick had never felt more uncomfortable.

God, he hated being the little guy again.

"Oh, my God... I feel so much worse."

"Be nice!" (y/n) told him sharply, throwing an elbow into the boy's ribs before his words could reach Captain 'Stache. Even if this weren't exactly her Curly, she'd hate to see him sad, but his mood soured more when Henry clocked the sweet smiles they exchanged.

He glanced at Missy, eyes cold and humourless despite how snarky his voice sounded. "Out of all your universes, that thing had to send us here?"

"What—what does he mean your universes?" Piper asked, frowning at the young girl before she could answer.

The air turned awkward quickly, leaving the trio staring at the R.A.D and wondering how to explain themselves. How could they tell them they weren't real?

"What's that doohickey on the table?" Jasper asked, as confused as Piper was when he saw the device behind Missy. He had no idea that his mullet-moustache combo was all a lie – a drawing on a scrap of paper or a line in a book – and she turned to her friends on the couch for help.

"You wanna tell him?" Henry smirked, leaving the floor open for the girl to confess what she'd done.

"Okay." It seemed Missy had no choice.

She quickly got up from her seat and stood beside the R.A.D, presenting it to Piper and Jasper as they watched curiously. "So... I kinda wrote these stories where Henry, (y/n), and I fight crime together..."

That was putting it mildly – the tip of the iceberg as they sat back and listened to the whole mess. So much had happened in so little time, and she recounted it all, leaving Henry pacing around, biting his lip to deal with the tension because it was insane to listen to – literally like something out of a movie.

The R.A.D, the portals, waking up in Newtown, meeting each other, encountering (y/n), fighting Coach Cregg and VamPiper, nearly getting pulverised, ending up in Shimmers... It felt like forever had passed since the kid was minding his own business in Dystopia.

"...And now, we're stuck in my fanfiction," she said, finishing the story to bewildered faces.

"I really wanna get back to Dystopia, and (y/n) needs to get home to Ray and the baby," added Henry, and the heroine nodded solemnly, heart aching and longing for home again.

Yet, as strange as it sounded, Piper and Captain 'Stache took it remarkably well, looking only mildly disturbed as they stared at the R.A.D – the thing that apparently caused all the trouble.

"So...we're just figments of—of this girl's imagination?" Asked Piper as she tried not to hyperventilate. She looked at her brother – or who she thought was her brother – with a sheen of terror in her eyes as if she was on the verge of tears, questioning everything she once took as true. "Am I the only one having an existential crisis right now?"

"No, you exist... Just not like this," replied (y/n), moving to the table and comforting the girl as best she could with a kind smile and gentle hand on her shoulder. Although, she wasn't sure if it helped at all. "The real world is...different."

"So, you're saying there's another reality where I don't have a moustache?" Jasper frowned, standing beside them with a hairy face of utter dread, not liking the sound of their world.

Henry couldn't stop the little laugh that escaped him, seeing the real Jasper under all that bravado. Of course, that was the bit that concerned him, not that his persona didn't exist at all.

"Anyway," he said, ignoring the strange question and looking at Missy instead, "while you were talking, I got an idea. We're in Swellview, right?"

"I mean...kind of."

"Indeed." Piper and Jasper nodded as they eyed him curiously.

"So, there's gotta be a Schwoz here," he said, and suddenly, (y/n) looked at him like he was the smartest kid in the world. Her eyes lit up in realisation, knowing what he was driving at as she pictured that fuzzy, little weirdo, the one she last saw leaving Swellview to live with his princess girlfriend.

"Yes! Schwoz can fix anything! So, all we gotta do is find Schwoz; he can fix the R.A.D, we can all get back to our realities, and Missy can write whatever stories she wants," the heroine answered excitedly as the girl glanced away disappointedly.

As much as she'd screwed up, Missy liked hanging out with her new friends—she could literally call Kid Danger and Miss Danger her besties at this point, but they wanted out. That was fine. That was great. She'd help them get home, no matter how crushing it felt...only they used a funny word.

"What is a Schwoz?" Piper asked. The word fell from her lips, leaving her mouth feeling full of cotton wool.

"He's a science genius who lives in the Man Cave," Henry replied like it was obvious, but he just received blank stares.

Jasper was especially bemused, quirking an eyebrow and flicking a luscious lock over his shoulder. "You mean, the 'Stache House?"

" now?" (y/n)'s eyebrows flew to her hairline as her jaw dropped. She could deal with the mullet. She could deal with the lip sweater. But Jasper? Living in her old house? That was weird, and her tummy twisted nervously. In that case...where did her doofus live?

"Whatever! Focus, (y/n/n)!" Henry just moved on. He didn't even want to know. "Point is, he can fix anything, okay? So...where is he?"

He looked at his friends, waiting for someone to say something. The Man Cave couldn't survive without Schwoz and his techno-wizardry, but Jasper and Piper glanced at each other over Missy's head, shrugging and looking utterly confused.

"I—I've never heard of a Schwoz," said the older girl as if the genius was some kind of exotic animal. Jasper shook his head, too, and Henry heaved a heavy sigh, losing his bright idea as quickly as he created it.

"Yeah, I never found out about anyone named Schwoz. Cute name and all, but I never put him into any of my stories," Missy told him, watching as her idol swiped a hand over his face and pinched his tired eyes. They couldn't catch a break.

"Okay, now I'm having an existential crisis."

"Frankini-tini?" Piper offered, pushing the glass towards her brother, who didn't care what was in it. He just needed that bright blue concoction and whatever liquor it contained. His lips wrapped around the squiggly straw, taking a long, large gulp until the drink burned his throat and warmed his belly when Missy looked up.

She stroked her chin thoughtfully, pondering with a wrinkled nose as the boy frowned darkly. "Okay, hang on, though. I didn't write about every single person at this party, but there's tons of people here, right?"

They couldn't argue with that, watching as the girl wandered away from the private lounge to the doorway. She looked across the dancefloor, seeing some people she recognised, but most of them were strangers—randomers. Very well-dressed randomers, but it made her think.

"Yeah."

"Well, I'll bet the R.A.D changes whatever I changed in my stories and then fills in the rest of the blanks with reality."

"Wait, so that means there's gotta be a Schwoz somewhere in this universe," (y/n) said, and a glimmer of hope awakened in her heart. There were a lot of possibilities, and she didn't dare believe it—didn't even want to find out, but if that were true...her husband was out there, too. Somewhere.

"Might be..."

That was all Henry needed to hear. Knowing what he had to do, he turned around, leaving his friends looking puzzled, and bellowed across the bustling club with the hope that a certain fuzzy weirdo was nearby.

"SCHWOZ!" He yelled, earning a few strange glances. It worked in their world, so he didn't see why this altered reality would be different, even though it could've been a little louder.

The hero stared at Jasper and the girls, silently begging for help since his mouth shockingly wasn't loud enough. As confused as they were, most not knowing who or what to expect, they joined in. "SCHWOZ!"

And Henry's hunch paid off. "...Yo!"

"Did you hear that?" (y/n) asked excitedly – a quiet reply, muffled by the whooping and boogieing in the club, but it was there.

"Yeah! It came from over there," answered Henry, who grabbed her wrist and pulled his giddy friend back into the fray.

They weaved through the crowd, bumping into disco cowgirls and shirtless waiters, but with so many partygoers, it was impossible to see their favourite genius. It didn't help that he was on the short side. "Schwoz!"

"Yo!"

"There it is again!" The heroine gasped, recognising the small man's voice anywhere, even if it sounded a little...off. They looked every which way, working out which direction the sound came from, when she pointed to a back room with a big private sign splashed across the door. "Through there!"

The pair marched over, ignoring whoever told them it was staff only, and they swiftly found themselves in a starkly different place. Frankini didn't bother to glitzify the kitchens – why would he? It was dark, sterile, and so grey that the boss was hardly ever caught in there. The waiters and workers dashed about, serving hot, freshly microwaved nibbles and overpriced burgers to the masses, but Henry didn't care.

He and (y/n) snuck past the head chef, smiling when they saw their old friend in the corner – as bald and bizarre as he always was. Even if he looked a little different, dressed in a filthy apron and rubber gloves, with a paisley bandana tied tightly around his noggin, it was still their Schwoz, working hard with suds up to his elbows.

"Schwoz!" The kid couldn't help himself, running up to the head dishwasher and nearly sending him and the plate in his hand flying.

Schwoz lurched and growled, looking rougher than usual as he saved himself from trouble and caught the soapy dish before it smashed. He glared up at whoever assaulted him, seeing no one important – just some scrawny kid and a walking blob of cotton candy.

"Woah, woah, woah, woah! Get off of me!" He hissed, his voice coming out all harsh and hard like he'd grown up on the streets of Manhattan and not Swellview. "How do you know my name?"

(y/n) smiled, having expected a little confusion, but God, it was good to see her old friend again. Even if they weren't friends at all. "'Cause in another universe, you're one of our best friends! Sweet cheese, I can't believe we found you!"

"All right—look, lady! Get off of me!" Schwoz said rudely, shoving (y/n) away when she only wanted to give him one of her snuggly hugs. The real Schwoz would never do that. "I don't know who you or your beanpole friend here are, but in this universe, I'm a plate-scraper, so...get outta here!"

"Listen, we need your help," said Henry, nervously glancing around for eavesdroppers or anything else that might go wrong.

His skin itched to get back home, hanging around the genius like a bad smell as he tried to get on with his work. It was nearly impossible with a kid breathing down his neck, leaving Schwoz checking both ways to ensure his boss didn't catch him idling on the job.

"If I keep talking to you two, I'm gonna get fired, and my probation officer's gonna throw me back in jail!"

"You went to jail?" (y/n) asked as she and Henry exchanged a baffled glance. They never saw the lil' fella as a jailbird type, too soft and friendly to survive the hostile environment, but this Schwoz could handle it.

In a world with Captain Man, a lot could go wrong. "Yeah. I stole a little plutonium. That stupid moustache guy and his sidekick caught me."

Awkward. Henry stared off to the side, clearing his throat and crossing his arms as if he wasn't with the moustache guy. Although his moustache was stupid. "Uh...oh, yeah. Those—those guys are turds."

"Definitely, what a pair of losers, right?" (y/n) chuckled dryly before edging closer to the little man, leaning down so only the three could hear her. "Look, what's a plate-scraper like you stealing plutonium for? You're better than that."

Schwoz snapped his beady eyes at her, glaring with such malice that the heroes flinched away when he brought his gritted sneer closer. "'Cause, sweet-cheeks, plate-scraper ain't all I can do in this world, a'ight?"

"Okay..." They gulped, backing up as the feisty genius backed them into a corner, stalking them like a lion did with its prey.

Schwoz didn't even realise he was doing it, practically snarling at them and their judgement, never knowing why he did what he did. Sometimes, he had no choice, winding up as hard as nails and morally ambiguous.

"Maybe I'm not so stupid like my teachers thought, okay? Maybe I can build a more fuel-efficient nuclear reactor in my cousin's basement than your fancy Ivy League scientists!"

Terrifying as his rant was, the woman didn't back down, taking a deep breath as she clung to the arm Henry slung in front of her. Neither of them thought the weirdo would attack them, but the kid pushed her behind him just to be safe.

(y/n) peeked over his shoulder, standing on her tippy toes as Schwoz panted raggedly, his face reddened by rage but also...sadness. This was the Schwoz who never found his place as a superhero's handyman – the one who never found his family.

"Even in one of Missy's fanfics, you're still one of the smartest people ever, Schwoz," she told him, and her smile melted his icy exterior, if only for a moment. "You taught me pretty much everything I know."

"...Your Schwozdang right, I am!" He replied, pointing sternly at them, although he didn't understand why anyone would be so nice to him. He didn't know the weird girl and her skinny, well-dressed friend – barely understood the mumbo-jumbo they talked about – but they seemed strangely familiar – like déjà vu.

A shout came from the club's main room, and the plate-scraper cursed himself for forgetting that Frankini had eyes and ears everywhere. "Uh, language!"

"Sorry, Frankini!" Wincing at the light scolding, the small man returned to his dishwashing station with Henry on his heels. Did the guy ever give up?

"Listen, um...we, uh..." stammered Henry, teetering on the edge of catching their coconut or spooking him forever. They just needed to intrigue him, and he only knew one way.

"We need you to take a look at a device.

The water gurgled down the drain, slowly disappearing with chunks of uneaten spaghetti and sauce as the genius froze, suddenly all ears. He didn't look at them—didn't want the strangers to know he was interested, but (y/n) knew the boy had hit the target. She saw how his little shoulders trembled with unbridled excitement, how her old friend's fingers squeezed as if they ached to hold something sciencey again.

"What kind of device?" They had him – hook, line and sinker.

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