#because seeing spock die is going to devastate me

[t0ast-ghost]

S3 episode 4 (And The Children Shall Lead) I'll explain what happened to episode 3 under the cut of this post.

Start here:

- The three of them beaming down together is a good start

- Guys they're not dead!… they’re just sleepy

- Kirk is not amused

- As much as I want to believe Kirk would be good with children, it’s proven (canonically) he is not

- “I am getting a feeling of anxiety in this place.” This reminds me of a good omens line. If ya know, ya know.

- I love nurse chapel. The medical department being good with kids is heartwarming

- Is this a Peter Pan situation? (edit: nope)

- So why are the kids chanting and summoning an entity? Let's not have to call the exorcist.

- “Have Dr. McCoy report to my quarters.” Yeah…?

- We get to watch Sulu press buttons and turn dials :)

- Uhura’s double take

- “You’re losing control of yourself, sir.” “Not yet.” Scotty then proceeds to fight two guys and get knocked out

- “The enemy from within!” Previous episode mention

- That’s horrific. The children controlling their parents caused them to die on Triacus. Star Trek can write some pretty fucked up shit actually. But it doesn't deal with the consequences.

- McCoy’s opinion is outnumbered two to one again so he just storms out

- They just beamed those two redshirts out into space…

- “Friendly angel come to me.”

- Kirk and Spock share a look like, ‘what the fuck is going on’

- Spell that makes you see knives in space

- Poor Uhura. No one wants to see their own death, but amazing acting

- “Captain, why are we bothering starfleet?” Spock too? Kirk you gotta go find McCoy, maybe he’ll be talking some sense

- So why haven’t I seen anyone talk about this?

- “My Vulcan friend.” Yep Kirk. Reassert your friendship.

- Spock grabs Kirk’s arm to reassure him

- WOAH! He jumped to killing kids way too fast (worst case scenario stun or hypo them! Jesus)

- Kirk has had to remind himself that it’s not okay to punch a child a few too many times in this episode (I can see it in his eyes)

- He’s playing the video of all the kids playing with their parents on Triacus and they’re smiling but I’m expecting Kirk to just say ‘and now.. your parents are dead.’ - omg they really did just switch suddenly to their DEAD PARENTS. No remorse.

- This episode is fucking devastating

- Bones is going to come back from wherever the fuck he is and just, 'Jim, I specifically told you not to traumatize these kids.'

- The ‘angel’ dying is fucking horrifying

Now everything’s fine and dandy. Not like the entire bridge just went through major mind fuck of an ordeal or anything

Masterpost

Episode written by Edward J. Lakso

So I didn't actually watch episode 3, I watched around 15 minutes and then said, 'I really just don’t want to watch this episode. So I won’t.'

Only thoughts from this episode that I'm gonna mention are:

- The reason that they didn't let Spock point out the pine trees is because he would have said their scientific name

- “Typical human reaction to an idyllic natural setting.” McCoy says this with so little bite towards Spock, like he’s actually having a conversation with him and explaining what it is. AHH

- They could have easily left McCoy on the planet to search for Jim while Spock goes to divert the asteroid. If being alone was the issue they could've beamed down a security officer/team

Other than that... there's nothing. Sorry Margaret Armen.

[youngpettyqueen]

here's the thing about world-ending/universe-ending threats in prequels. if that is your entire focus and what all your tension hangs on, then it will not work

all of your tension cant hinge on a universe-ending threat in a prequel because we already know that that universe is going to be ok. just by virtue of being a prequel, there is already no tension there- we know the future of this story. now, you can create tension by focusing on the angle of what happens to the characters- if those characters are not also present in the content the prequel is leading up to

the universe-ending threat in season 2 of Discovery really doesnt work. right from the get-go, we know that things are going to be ok. we know the universe doesnt end here. and, by involving TOS characters, they do unfortunately eliminate some of that tension when it comes to what might happen to the characters. we know Spock doesnt die here. we know Pike and Una dont die here. the writing also doesnt leave a lot of room for me to be worried about the main cast- I honestly dont know if I think this show is capable of permanently killing off anybody on the main cast. we'll see if im proven wrong in that

to compare to another prequel series- I think s3 of Enterprise did this a lot better. we knew the Earth wasn't going to be destroyed. we knew Starfleet wasn't going to be destroyed. but the Xindi plot started with a devastating attack that killed 7 million people- something of that scale is usually the endgame, the very thing the characters are fighting to prevent, but instead it was the beginning. thats a POWERFUL way to introduce a plot like that, especially in a prequel

I think where Enterprise's Xindi plot also got it right was having such a strong focus on the characters. I found a lot of the tension for me personally hinged on seeing just how far the Enterprise crew- especially Archer- would go. how far they wound bend their morals. how much they would break them. for me, thats the real tension in that season. I know the Earth will be fine, but I dont know how far Archer will go to ensure it. innocent people are killed. prisoners are tortured. civilians are attacked and robbed and left stranded. so, while I know ultimately that the Earth is going to survive this and the crew will succeed, im still hooked and asking what comes next because I want to see what this crew will do next. I want to see how far they'll go

im not organizing this as well as I could honestly im just slapping my thoughts at the wall but yeah. as much as I really am enjoying Discovery- its a good show, its not a very good prequel. so far I would consider Enterprise the better prequel series. interested to see where things go now that its not so hindered- 930 years into the future is far beyond anything we've seen from any Trek series so far, so theyre no longer confined by having to be a prequel. looks like we'll finally get to boldly go where no man has gone before!

[frogayyyy]

thoughts about Jim Kirk saying he knows he'll die alone

as long as he has his ship, his crew, Bones, Spock, he knows he won't die. he won't die, he refuses to give up and he has so much faith and trust in them.

he'd sacrifice himself a hundred times over, because he can't be without them

how terrified he must have been in The Tholian Web "I had a whole universe to myself....there was absolutely no one else in it. I must say, I prefer a crowded universe much better." When you see the image of him shouting out for Spock, any hope that he's not alone.

the five year mission ends, Spock leaves him. and then we see him in TMP, "Spock, I wish you were here" "I need you" he says to both Bones and Spock. (don't let me be alone) Then he nearly loses Spock, risks his life to make sure Spock is okay. "I need Spock on the bridge"

in WOK, he's an Admiral now, he's lonely and feels old.

(also Spock basically saying "why did you accept position of Admiral? you belong at my side" and Jim's like "yeah ur right lol" then saying "I have been and always shall be yours" like I'll never leave you)

the Kobayashi Maru, he changes the programming. he never gives up "I don't believe in the no win scenario" "you've never faced death" there's always a way out as long as he's not alone.

his face when he realises Spock isn't at his station, and then runs down to the engine room. he considers flooding the whole room with radiation just to get to Spock. "he's dead already" the devastation in his voice. losing the one who was there without fail, realising he won't be there anymore. "you never have faced death." "no, not like this" Spock's death means his own.

the beginning of SFS, losing Spock makes the whole ship feel so empty. he's back to feeling alone again after having got Spock back then losing him. even worse that he loses the Enterprise and he's starting to lose Bones too. he risks everything he has just for a chance to get them back. "you'll lose everything, you'll destroy yourself" David gets killed. he blows up the supposed love of his life (his ship) to have Spock. he can't even watch during the ritual which might lose him everything. "if I hadn't tried, the cost would've been my soul" "the needs of the one outweigh the needs of the many" yes he was talking about the needs of Spock but also himself. he needs Spock, can't live without him.

let's be honest TVH is just a big ridiculous film so there aren't too many dramatic moments where they seriously think they'll die. but you can see the change in him from the first 3 movies. him and Spock are practically married in this.

"I've always known, I'll die alone." you can see Spock thinking he's never going to leave his side again even if it kills him, he spends the whole film trying to prove it to Kirk. he doesn't want to believe Spock betrayed him. "you're either with me or you're not" "I am here, Captain" he's saying you're not alone Jim, I'm right here with you. but Jim doesn't hear what he's saying. "I belong here". sacrifices himself for Spock and Bones, again. and this time he really thinks this is it, he thinks he's alone "what are you waiting for?". then the disbelief and pure adoration when he sees Spock. the moment he finally understands "you were never alone". he won't abandon him. then goes to kiss him THEY'RE FAMILY

Spock putting the tracker on him in TUC (idk if they planned it or not) just another reassurance that they're a team and they have each others backs. "come on, I need you"

don't remind me that he does actually die alone because I will ignore you

[jillianallen14]

I have to tell you all about this story because I am in Shock.

It's called "The Mind-Sifter" by Shirley S. Maiewski, and it was first published in the Star Trek Zine "Star Trek: The New Voyages I". There are some exceptionally amazing and Spriky stories in here (such as "Ni Var" and "The Winged Dreamers"), but this one takes the cake. I was shocked when I read this story - shocked that this was published in 1976 and even more shocked that it was basically endorsed by Leonard Nimoy, Gene Roddenberry and Bill Shatner, given that they gave introductions for some of the stories in this zine. Let me tell you all about it:

So the basic premise is this: Kirk gets taken by a Klingon commander while he is on shore leave, and he vanishes from the Enterprise. The crew does not know if he's alive or dead; they're searching frantically for him, but they can't find him. Little do they know, the Mind-Sifter is being used on him, destroying his mind, and he ends up going back in time (through the Guardian of Forever) into a mental hospital in the 1950's. This story gave me major "The Tholian Web" vibes, and it was just as devastating, believe me. Here are some stunning things that happen.

-While being tortured, Jim begs for Spock to find him, to help him, to save him.

-Spock hears Jim calling for him (across great distance) in his mind and wakes up horrified and shaking.

-Spock knows Jim is alive, but he can't convince his commanding officers of this, so they force him to take command of the Enterprise and to continue on the 5-year mission. Spock literally begs his commander to let him stay, to let him find Jim, and when that fails, threatens resignation and threatens to commandeer the ship anyways to look for Jim.

-Spock agrees to take command only if he'll be allowed to keep the Enterprise as close as possible to Klingon territory and as long as he'll be able to get to the Guardian of Forever in order to ask questions about Jim's whereabouts.

-Spock bears the hatred of the entire crew, who think that he's betrayed Jim and was only out to take command of the Enterprise. He researches on the computers and reads, trying to figure out where Jim is, literally the entire time he's off duty, even when he's eating. He barely sleeps.

-Spock doesn't give up for 2 fucking years. He searches for Jim relentlessly and bears all of this for 2 fucking years, while literally every other crew member gives up hope.

-Jim attacks Spock at first when he first sees him, but Spock just holds his hands softly, and tells him to stop. He then gently nerve pinches Jim and picks him up and cradles his body in his arms.

-Spock then, painfully, speaks with the woman that fell in love with Jim and says that he understands and gently tries to explain to her why her and Jim can't be together. (God, think of the pain he must have felt). McCoy can't understand why Spock's speaking and looking like that.

-Spock continues to carry Jim around for weeks because he can't walk on his own, and he never leaves his side.

-Spock then willingly accepts being demoted after Jim comes back, saying that he only accepted command in the first place on the condition that it would only be until Jim was back. Jim and Bones are flabbergasted.

-Spock and Jim then have a conversation (alone) and Jim thanks Spock, and I swore to God though this whole thing I thought they were going to admit to being in love with each other at any second. It was so tender. Here is a highlight:

"It is because we... we need each other that our minds are drawn together." -Spock. His pause, his stutter. I can't get over it. It's so clear he was about to say "It's because we love each other...."

-Spock and Jim actually have a conversation about how Spock could see inside his mind from long distances (basically that they were inadvertantly bonded) and why this happened. And Jim isn't really disturbed by this.

How can people say this isn't love of the highest degree? This is love like I've never even seen before. Spock was so in love it was painful to read; I could feel his heart breaking in every moment. He felt like a ghost without Jim, like a man who'd lost the only thing he was living for and would die if he didn't get him back. Like holy SHIT. Read this, y'all, read it. I know I just gave you a bunch of spoilers, but read it anyways. It's so worth it.

[mittiemoo]

i am having a lot of FeelingsTM about mcspirk at this point in my life, please, let me show you my pain

i have extensive thoughts about what occurs at the end of the five year mission and through the first batch of trek films, right

so the five year mission is ending - mcspirk has been mcspirking for a while now, how they got together is its own separate thing that DON’T WORRY i’ll inevitably get to discussing another time, but the enterprise is landing soon and the boys are figuring out what’s going to happen next, right

and god. spock. poor, poor spock. he has a Dark Night of the Soul where the conflict between his human emotions (read his relationships with kirk and mccoy) and his vulcan upbringing and heritage and dignity come to a CRISIS POINT, and god bless spock, he just isn’t ready at that point in his life to pick anything other than All Vulcan All The Time. it hurts him, so, so much, but he is determined to go through with kolinahr, because that’s what Good Vulcans Do. 

jim is, understandably, not jazzed about this decision, but in the end i think he comes to a sad, but grounded understanding that spock is doing what he thinks is best for himself, so he lets him go. 

but mccoy. fuck. mccoy can not understand how spock could make this choice. after everything they’ve been through together, after watching them all grow and change together, after spock opened up to them and shared parts of himself with jim and mccoy that he’d never shared with anyone, mccoy can’t believe he’d make that choice. to him, it’s a complete betrayal of spock’s true nature (he’s not wrong) and he can’t accept it. mccoy confronts spock about it and it’s bad. spock is in so much pain that he can’t show mccoy, he is completely shut off from him and that is just the worst for mccoy. ‘at least tell me why, spock.’ and spock says it’s because he must, as a Vulcan, not addressing any of mccoy’s concerns about spock’s human half or their relationship or spock’s relationship with jim, nothing. 

so spock leaves on sad, but relatively stable standing with jim, but as far as mccoy is concerned the spock he knew is dead to him. the sense of betrayal and heartbreak is just too much for mccoy to take. this puts stress on the mckirk dynamic as well, jim and mccoy get in to it about spock, jim’s position being ‘he’s his own man and has the right to choose’ and mccoy’s being ‘it’s not a choice when it’s Vulcan Dignity that’s making the choice for him.’ 

it’s very sad, and very bad. 

mccoy quits starfleet because it’s all just too much for him. jim accepts the rear admiral position to stay earthbound to be with his boyfriend (so sweet), and then v’ger happens. jim gets bones back on his ship in an admirable show of pure finesse, and then, 

SPOCK!

even mccoy, who hasn’t yet forgiven spock but has through time come to a begrudging acceptance that it is what it is, forgets his hurt and anger for the briefest moment and is just happy to see spock again

and spock gives him nothing (this scene is brutal in the movie, even without my shipping theory on top of it) and mccoy goes back to being Over It. he feels like a fool for letting himself think just for a second things might have changed. 

then the rest of the movie happens and we get to  T H I S   S I M P L E   F E E L I N G

it’s so good, but it’s also The Worst. of course jim and spock make up, they’re like, th’y’la or whatever, but for mccoy it’s just not so simple. he’s glad that spock’s finally gotten wise and has decided to maybe not sever all ties to the human experience inside his half-human body for christ’s sake, but the pain for mccoy is still there. 

jim is Very Excited to get mcspirk back up and running, but mccoy just can’t do it yet. jim is able to forgive spock with no more questions asked, but mccoy isn’t. mccoy and spock are still both Very Emotional about this whole experience - spock is grappling with what this new choice means for him and how he ever made the choice to kolinahr in the first place, and mccoy just can’t shake the feeling that he wasn’t enough for spock, and still isn’t. as far as mccoy can see, spock doesn’t know or care to know about what this did to mccoy (which he’s wrong about, spock just isn’t ready at that time to do the work with mccoy to have that kind of understanding, spock’s still Going Through It, as it were). 

so for a while, mcspirk exists in a strange, not great open triangle situation with spirk, mckirk, and Just FriendsTM spones. 

mccoy spends this time trying to soften his heart for spock - he learns over time that spock’s just doing the best he can, man, and mccoy does love him and wants him to be happy, but as the years go on and neither mccoy nor spock reach out to each other to broach this gap the Kolinahr made between them, mccoy settles in the idea that this is just how it’s meant to be (it’s not). 

then spock dies LMAO in the absolute most buckwild ‘please take me back’ move of ALL TIME, spock puts his soul in mccoy’s mind and sacrifices himself for the ship. WOW. 

and yes. with spock’s death, mccoy is just, completely devastated, because of course he thought that maybe someday they’d work things out and be together and happy again, but now all mccoy has are the wasted years spent in unspoken strife, and that SUCKS!!

but because mcspirk is endgame, ohoho, mccoy, you can bring spock back, all you have to do is risk your entire human life! 

and OH BOY is that something leonard h. bones mccoy is prepared to do!! absolutely!!!! no question!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so mccoy chooses the danger and spock is back now, hooray

and after all this, after ALL THIS SHIT you know what i think mccoy has a realization.  i think he realizes he doesn’t need spock to apologize to him. the time mccoy spent with spock’s soul inside his brain gave him what he needed - the reassurance that spock’s essence is not only rational, but Loving and Good things mccoy’s always known about spock, but for a lot of their time spent together, has felt disconnected from.

and, god, after this, this is when mcspirk really starts going off

because spirk and mckirk have been relatively strong this whole time - the only unstable branch has been spones, and for the first time, mccoy and spock can be on the same page. you know, as much as they’re able to be. 

spock loves mccoy, he’s loved mccoy this whole time it’s just been Difficult, but now mccoy is able to see this without the pressure and weight of a situation that happened years ago. he’s able to appreciate what spock is doing to show his affection toward mccoy now, and they begin a slow and sweet process of courting one another that honestly, as a die-hard spones shipper since 2013, makes me sick with how great its potential is. 

mccoy isn’t worried about kolinahr, he’s not worried about how spock and jim’s connection is  ‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘better ’’’’’’’’ than his and spock’s, he’s just taking things as they are, and is having a grand old time with it. 

and, of course, once mccoy is able to do this, once he’s able to get over his pain and just accept spock like jim’s been able to all this time, that’s when spock feels able to let mccoy back in, to let him see how he truly felt all those years ago and how he feels now. 

and then there’s like, whales or something, they go camping, and it’s just smooth sailing for me as far as i’m concerned. the mcspirk is locked, loaded, and not going anywhere. 

*deep sigh*

thanks for hearing me out it’s been a lot, thank you

[spacedancer1701]

Another Life - a Star Trek fic -  (Chapters 51 - 55)

Sequel to ‘On Borrowed Time’

Fandoms: Star Trek, Star Trek: The Original Series (TOS), Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (AOS) Pairing: McCoy x Original Female Character (Dr. Jennifer Hope) Characters: The Crew of the USS Enterprise (NCC-1701) Rating/Warnings: None Tags: Romance, Friendship, Love, Warm and Fuzzy Feelings, Angst/H/C, Caring/Protective/Tender/Comforting/Happy/Grumpy/Worried McCoy Word Count: This is a long one. Again. 😄 (71 chapters - 177k)

Read it on AO3: Another Life  

Chapter 51              

As soon as the Enterprise had taken up orbit around Iridis, Hope and McCoy beamed down to the governmental emergency camp, far enough away from the battle zone to be safe from radiation. The doctor had brought as many relevant medical supplies and tools as he’d been able to justify taking from the Enterprise, which the Iridians gratefully accepted. With time being of the essence, Hope and McCoy were promptly briefed on the current situation and handed their protection suits, before being transported to the most recent bomb site.

McCoy didn’t see much of Hope after that, him being put in charge of the main surgical team, and her being recruited for the search and rescue team. With all that was going on amidst the chaos and devastation, the doctor had his hands full from the moment they arrived, and there was simply no time to worry about her. He was still relieved, though, when, a few hours later, he caught a brief glimpse of her, immediately recognising her in her slightly too big protection suit as she tenderly cradled a dying child in her arms, the heart-breaking image forever etched into his mind and his soul.

When he saw Hope again, almost twenty hours later, after having been decontaminated and transported back to the camp for the compulsory rest period, she was grey-faced and shaking with horror and fatigue. And when she looked at him as if daring him to say, ‘I told you so’, he just wordlessly took her in his arms, holding her tight as they both silently wept for the innocent victims of this obnoxious war.

They still didn’t speak as they made their way to their allocated ‘sleeping cubicle’, grabbing a couple of nutrition bars and water bottles on the way, and, completely shattered, fell on a bunk, not even considering separate beds for the few hours of sleep.

“Talk to me, love,” McCoy said softly, cradling Hope’s trembling body in his arms and taking her hand in his, remembering all the missions where he’d held her hand to go to sleep, which seemed like a lifetime ago.

“I’m fine, Leonard, go to sleep,” Hope mumbled tiredly, her words slurred from exhaustion.

“No, you’re not,” the doctor insisted, pained by her obvious distress and trying to fight his own fatigue. “You need to talk about this, love. Don’t bottle it up, please!”

“And you need to sleep. We both do,” was her short reply, her voice quivering in time with her body.

“There’s no satisfaction in having been right, you know,” the doctor murmured softly, his heart breaking as he pulled her closer against his chest. “You don’t have to pretend you’re not shocked to the core. When I said this would break you and I wouldn’t have time to look after of you, I didn’t mean I wouldn’t be there for you. That you couldn’t let me see how it affects you.”

“I’m so sorry, Leonard,” Hope burst out, clinging to him tightly, her voice choked with anguish. “You were right. I didn’t have the faintest idea how terrible it would be. You just wanted to protect me. Like you always do. But I’m not sorry I came. How could I not have come? Even if it only makes the slightest difference.”

“I’m sorry, too,” McCoy said quietly, caressing her back and resting his cheek against the top of her head. “But I’m also glad you came. We do whatever we can to save as many kids as possible, and yet, it’s still too little too late for so many of them. But if your being here means that even just one child is found that wouldn’t have been found otherwise, or that at least some of the kids who are beyond saving don’t have to die alone but in someone’s loving arms instead, it makes a huge difference.”

The doctor’s voice broke and angry, desperate tears started streaming down his face.

“We’ll get through this together, love,” he whispered. “I’m really grateful you’re here. I need you by my side.”

They both fell silent, just holding each other tightly and drawing comfort from the other’s presence.

Exactly as it should be, Jenny thought lovingly, before falling into a deep, dreamless sleep.

-x-x-x-x-x-

The next day was a repeat of the first, and so was the day after that, leaving Jenny and McCoy ever more exhausted and frustrated.

Enough! Jenny thought, fighting against her growing lethargy and hopelessness. Something has to be done. We’re Starfleet officers, for heaven’s sake! We have the power, and the responsibility, to change things!

McCoy was up to his neck in fighting to save lives, so finding a solution on a grander scale was left to her. She’d have to find a way to convince the Iridians of re-joining the Federation. Or at least ask for their help. Besides, the Enterprise couldn't stay in orbit around Iridis forever, in fact, three days were about the maximum Kirk could justify. After that, he’d have to take the ship away and leave her and the doctor stranded here for the time being.

But having the Enterprise of all starships at their disposal was the best thing that could have happened to the Iridians, Jenny realised. They should really take advantage of that. She had to make them see reason.

So, Jenny contacted the captain, told him of her plan, and was grateful to get both his and Spock’s valuable advice on how best to proceed. Spock provided her with all the data she needed, and told her who to try and contact, while Kirk coached her on what to say and how best to go about persuading the Iridians to officially request the Federation’s assistance.

Jenny didn’t discuss any of this with McCoy. Before falling asleep, she just told him that she’d been talking to Kirk and would be meeting some Iridian officials the next day, which he acknowledged with a tired grunt but didn’t question any further. He was totally focused on the medical side of things, as he should be, and really needed all the sleep he could get.

Witnessing Leonard’s utter devotion to his job as a healer never failed to melt Jenny’s heart and remind her of how much she loved him. And seeing the tiny sparks of joy for every life he’d saved shine through his general air of despair at not being able to stop all the horror and devastation around them, reassured her that he was still a long way from giving up or breaking down.

-x-x-x-x-x-

Kirk had been relieved to hear from Hope, and was very supportive, if a little doubtful, of her plan to get the Iridian government to consider re-joining the Federation. The condensed version she’d given them of the situation she and McCoy were finding themselves in had been enough to make the captain’s hair stand on end, and he’d been more than happy to share his thoughts on how best to approach the Iridian officials, promising to stand by in case the Iridians wanted to negotiate.

So, knowing Hope, Kirk wasn’t completely surprised when he and Spock were asked to beam down to meet with the Iridian government early the next afternoon. His head of linguistics was certainly a force to be reckoned with, he thought proudly, feeling sorry for anyone who’d underestimate Hope because of her youth or delicate appearance.

Obviously, Hope had got the government officials to agree that being part of the Federation, even if it meant an infringement on their ‘absolute freedom’, was preferable to being all alone and vulnerable, exposed to ruthless attacks like the one they were currently experiencing.

Her reasoning was almost instantly proven right, when even just the news of Kirk’s visit to the government and the Enterprise’s presence in orbit led to an immediate cessation of hostilities. The cowardly rebels apparently didn’t want to take on the Federation. And Captain Kirk was quite obviously a man whom a certain reputation preceded. The stories of his many victories over hostile aggressors were well known all around the galaxy.

Unfortunately, with the Enterprise now officially in the picture, one of the rebel leaders had acted fast and successfully fled Iridis, but Kirk was confident that he wouldn’t get far. His identity was known, and, being one of the most wanted criminals of the galaxy already, it was only a matter of time until he’d be apprehended.

As for the second leader and the co-conspirators, the captain got word of them having turned themselves in before he’d even left the negotiating table. Satisfied with the outcome of his talks with the Iridian government, and immensely happy to know that Bones was finally out of danger again, Kirk requested to wait for his friend’s return at the emergency camp to give him the good news in person. And to reassure himself that the doctor was – at least physically – unharmed.

-x-x-x-x-x-

When McCoy returned to the camp after yet another horrible day knee deep in severely injured patients, most of them children, he was too exhausted to even feel the rage that usually claimed him as soon as his thoughts weren’t fully focused on his job anymore. But when he spotted Jim waiting for him, his heart almost stopped, immediately thinking that his friend was here because something terrible had happened to Hope.

It took his weary eyes and mind a few moments to take in Kirk’s beaming smile, suggesting that the captain had quite obviously come bearing good news, whatever they were, and his legs almost gave out with the sheer relief of that realisation. Jim had to reach out and steady him, his wide grin giving way to a worried frown at the doctor’s dizzy spell, but McCoy quickly waved his concerns away, sitting down in the nearest chair and gruffly demanding to know what Kirk was doing here.

One of the other doctors, who’d just returned with him, handed him a bottle of water as well as a bag of nuts, which McCoy gratefully accepted, before settling back and listening intently as Jim explained that the Iridians had finally asked the Federation for help, and that the attacks were over.

The doctor felt a weight being lifted off his shoulders. There would be no more victims, robbed of any future. No more watching innocent kids suffer and die, no more ghastly injuries that he knew, even as he treated them, would never fully heal, no more saving children from death while knowing they’d never be able to lead normal, painless lives again. It was only when Kirk handed him a tissue and patted his shoulder, that he noticed the tears running down his face.

“How did you manage to do that, Jim?” McCoy asked, impressed, as always, by his friend’s unsurpassed resourcefulness and diplomatic skills.

“I didn’t! Your girlfriend did,” Kirk grinned, to the doctor’s surprise, and McCoy’s heart melted at the pride in the captain’s voice and eyes.

Jim went on to tell him the whole story, finishing enthusiastically with, “She made this happen, Bones! She effectively stopped this war. Hope’s a hell of a Starfleet officer, and more than a little manipulative if she sets her mind to it.”

That made McCoy chuckle, knowing exactly how ‘manipulative’ Hope could be. No matter how annoyed he was with her, he simply couldn't stay angry, when she remorsefully fluttered her eyelashes at him. And her puppy-dog looks certainly made it impossible for him to deny her anything. He was just glad Jenny was such a good person and would never take advantage of the power she held over him. At least not where it wasn’t appropriate.

“Really, Bones, Hope is brilliant,” Kirk went on fervently, and the doctor could see that the captain, despite being prone to exaggeration, meant it. “And courageous as hell. She’s definitely going places.”

“I never doubted that,” McCoy smiled, feeling prouder than ever of the woman he was lucky enough to share his life with.

“Good thing you’re such a great team,” the captain continued more quietly, looking straight into McCoy’s eyes, his expression growing serious. “Because she sure isn’t going anywhere without you. She loves you with all her heart, Bones. I hope you know how much she adores and admires you. She asked for leave just to be here with you, and damn the consequences. Did you know that?”

“I guessed as much,” the doctor replied softly, thinking that, of course, he’d known that Jim couldn't actually have sent her, but only just realising the full implications of her decision to come with him.

Kirk must have seen the amazement on McCoy’s face, as he suddenly started to grin and clapped a friendly hand on the doctor’s back.

“You’re one lucky bastard, Bones,” the captain laughed, fondly shaking his head. “And you more than deserve it. Just, please, don’t ever let her go again. Or drive her away because you think she deserves better or something. You were made for each other. Anyone can see that. You bring out each other’s full potential. There have never been two people better suited for a long and happy life together.”

-x-x-x-x-x-

McCoy and Hope stayed on Iridis for another two days, the doctor refusing to leave before having made sure that every last patient was safe and got the best possible treatment, and Jenny refusing to leave his side.

When they finally returned to the Enterprise, totally worn out but immensely relieved, they went straight to McCoy’s quarters and slept for ten hours straight. By the time they woke up again, it was the middle of the night on the ship.

They knew they should talk. There was certainly a lot to talk about, to help each other cope with everything they’d seen. But they didn’t feel like talking at all. Not just yet. All they wanted in that moment was to feel the warmth and comfort of being alive and together. To make love and forget about everything else.

And that’s exactly what they did. Although not quite the way they usually celebrated their love and enjoyed each other’s bodies. Not hot, not passionate, no teasing, no games. Nothing wild or ecstatic, just slow, and soft, and tender. Quietly, and silently, drawing comfort from each other, finding pleasure in their reassuring closeness rather than in unbridled desire. And once again, in perfect accord with each other on what they wanted and needed.

Chapter 52              

A/N: As you’ve probably guessed by now, I’m as passionate about music and dancing as Hope is. 😊 There’s a lot of music from Hope’s past mentioned in this chapter, and if you’d like to have the ‘soundtrack’, I’ve put together a ‘playlist’ at the end of chapter 52.

Jenny and McCoy resumed their duties the next day. She felt it would do her good to go back to her normal routine, and the doctor supported her suggestion. He insisted, however, that they talk about everything in the evening. Properly and at length. He understood that she didn’t want to dwell all day on the atrocities she’d seen, but was convinced that the quickest way to put the traumatic experience behind them was to actively deal with it instead of letting it fester at the back of their minds.

So they talked, and cried, and held each other for half of the next couple of nights, and Jenny had to admit that she really felt lighter with every memory she shared with Leonard. Although she seemed to do a lot more of the sharing than he did. In typical McCoy manner, he’d made it all about her. Yet, she sensed that it was therapy for him just as much as it was for her.

The doctor just couldn't help it, he always needed to be – or at least pretend to be – strong. Strong for her, to make her feel safe and cared for. And she did, for which she loved him. Just as she loved him for the unfailing gentleness with which he coaxed things out of her. But she was also quite aware that it was his coping mechanism as much as anything else. Being strong for others was his very own way of dealing with trauma.

Of course, Jenny knew that Leonard had a lot more experience than she had, that he’d seen horror and devastation like they’d encountered on Iridis before, maybe even worse. But she also knew that it still affected him immensely. Probably just as much as the first time. Hard-bitten and cynical as he liked to present himself to the world, Jenny knew him better. Behind all the talk, underneath all the professionalism, he was the most sensitive and empathetic man imaginable. Another one of the many reasons she loved him so much.

Half a week after their return to the Enterprise, Jenny finally felt positivity starting to fill her soul again. Seeing the beauty of things, feeling optimistic and confident again. And, above all, allowing herself to feel proud of having had a part in ending this atrocious war on Iridis. A fact that Kirk and McCoy didn’t hold back on and reminded her several times a day.

“You’re an awesome lady!” currently seemed to be the doctor’s favourite phrase, always delivered with a wondrous shake of his head and eternal love and admiration in his eyes. And even though Jenny knew that Leonard was biased and enjoyed few things more than boosting her confidence, hearing these words of praise from him was still music to her ears.

-x-x-x-x-x-

During her days of grief and dealing with the aftermath of Iridis, Jenny’s friends had kept a respectful distance, realising that she wasn’t yet ready to sing, or dance, or generally enjoy herself again. But as soon as they noticed her changing back to her old, cheerful self, Uhura practically pounced on her, eager to make that party she’d promised happen.

It had obviously been extremely hard for Nyota to wait that long, but seeing that after what Jenny had been through partying was not the most appropriate thing to do, she’d managed to restrain herself. Now, however, Uhura was adamant to get the party rolling as soon as possible.

“Nothing better to cheer you up than an evening full of music and dancing. Of letting your hair down,” she beamed, and Jenny had to admit that Nyota was right. She could definitely do with a party like that now.

As it turned out, the surprise Uhura and Spock had been working on was a massive compilation of rock, pop, and country songs from the late 1900s. It was an impressive collection of songs, most of which Jenny hadn’t heard since her ‘first life’. How they’d even managed to get their hands on all these tracks was a miracle to her. A miracle which she gave Spock most of the credit for. He was an incredible – and incredibly resourceful – researcher. It must have been nearly impossible, a true labour of love – love for her, in this case, and Jenny deeply appreciated it.

Music had always been an important factor in her life, practically all of her memories, the good ones as well as the bad ones, came with their own ‘soundtrack’.  She’d often talked about this with Uhura, who felt very similar about music, and had quite obviously been the driving force behind this project.

Jenny was so overwhelmed when they handed her their gift in form of a record tape, she couldn't stop hugging and kissing Nyota. Or beaming at Spock like a goon, trusting that, the way she knew him by now, he didn’t mind, and even secretly enjoyed her display of overjoyed gratitude.

She was just glad that she’d had the foresight to teach anyone interested a lot of dance moves and styles from that era, and that Chekov, as well as a lot of her friends, knew how to do ‘The Hustle’ or ‘Disco Fox’. Now that she had all those songs at her disposal, this was going to be the party of her life.

Jenny just couldn't wait for evening to come, overwhelmed with joy, anticipation, and a feeling of immense gratitude and love for Uhura and Spock to have put in all those hours just to make her happy. She was truly blessed with her friends. And with the man in her life, who stoically endured her excited babbling and general display of unrestrained exhilaration for hours, the indulgent smile and loving gaze never leaving his face.

-x-x-x-x-x-

McCoy couldn't get enough of watching Hope dancing and moving to the music, completely lost in the rhythm, as if she didn’t have a care in the world. Sitting next to Jim and Scotty, nursing a drink, he was immensely glad to see her in such high spirits again.

Only someone who’d seen similar horror could understand how an experience like Iridis affected your whole being, invading every waking thought the moment you stopped focusing on your job or some other urgent matter, and even following you into your dreams. Of course, the doctor hadn’t told Hope that, no matter how often you saw horrors like these, you never got used to them.

When she’d arranged to come with him, he’d been so scared that her gentle, innocent soul would take permanent damage, but he’d once again underestimated Hope’s strength. Yes, she’d been upset, shocked, horrified by the whole experience, but by taking action and helping to end the terror, she’d turned it into something meaningful, something she could live with and even be proud of. He certainly was.

Looking at her now, McCoy couldn't remember ever seeing her happier. Or more hyped up. His heart was soaring just watching her. She’d always been an incredible dancer, but tonight, every song seemed to have its own choreography. And it probably had, since these were all her songs. Songs she’d grown up with, and which Spock and Uhura had painstakingly researched and accumulated for her.

Just the memory of Hope’s delighted squeals, when she’d skipped through the list of songs that her friends had surprised her with this afternoon, put a fond smile on the doctor’s face. Uhura hadn’t even tried to hide her excitement over their gift. But McCoy could have sworn that he’d detected delight in Spock's eyes too.

The long list of names, singers and bands most of which the doctor had never heard of, had certainly made Hope’s day, and she’d reverently kept murmuring them to herself, like a mantra, while they’d got ready for the party.

“This is going to be just like one of my high school parties!” Hope had gushed, grinning from ear to ear, her delight contagious. “I can’t believe I’ll be dancing to all those Bryan Adams and Bruce Springsteen songs again. Or to Gloria Gaynor and Michael Jackson. And there’ll be Rod Stewart, Elton John, Phil Collins, too! I’m just glad I taught half the ship how to properly disco dance!”

While they’d got dressed, Hope had kept running to him for kisses, or hugs, or just to beam at him, all the time, her happiness tangible, and McCoy hadn’t been able to take his eyes off her ever since.

Right now, she was dancing, or rather bouncing to ‘I Am What I Am’. He’d never heard the original version until now, but Hope had performed this with the band on several occasions, and he’d always thought the song suited her perfectly. She and Uhura appeared as powerful as the words of the song, their dance moves simply mesmerising to watch.

The next song was ‘I Will Survive’ by the same singer, and McCoy saw Hope almost bubbling over with energy. Another perfect song for her, although – hopefully – not quite in the context of the lyrics. But there was no question that Hope was a true survivor. Even though in her skin-tight jeans, white crop top, flats and ponytail, she looked more like the high school girl she’d mentioned earlier, sweet, young, and vulnerable, making him feel even more protective of her than he usually did.

Thinking of her as a high school girl, McCoy was gripped by another strange feeling. Almost like jealousy. But not of a particular person. More of memories he could never share. A whole life he could never share. A world he could never see. Loving her as he did, he wanted to know everything about her, but that just wasn’t possible. Not that he’d tell her, of course. He wasn’t proud of these jealous feelings only ever she seemed to bring out in him. Although she probably knew him well enough to notice them anyway.

Hope had been dancing for two hours straight already, just taking a short break when someone offered her a drink. He’d never known anyone more energetic than her. Once again, McCoy was reminded of their age difference. It was so obvious. Her energy seemed to be never-ending. And while he was certainly fit for his age, he was clearly no match for Hope’s level of fitness. But then, few people were. He’d probably have had a hard time keeping up with her when he’d actually been her age.

Casting a quick glance at Jim, who was trying to have a conversation with Scotty over the almost deafening music, the doctor took a sip from his drink, his old doubts arising again. Did he really have a right to love her? To want her to spend the rest of her life with him, an old divorcee? To rob her of the chance to find someone her own age, someone as full of energy as she was? Someone with a brilliant career still ahead of them, just like her?

He’d been through this a million times in his head. Had asked himself the same questions over and over again. And the answer was always the same.

Yes!

Yes, he had every right. Because, unfathomable and perplexing as it was, he made her happy. He truly did. And she’d told him time and again that they didn’t have to do everything together all of the time. That he didn’t have to come dancing with her if he was tired after a long day. That it was perfectly all right to do separate things. That she didn’t expect them, didn’t even want them to be joined at the hip, as she’d put it.

Unlike his ex-wife, she trusted him completely, and didn’t mind if he couldn't or wouldn’t join her in all her activities. She wasn’t bothered if he did his own thing, disappeared into the depths of a lab, was engrossed in a medical journal or a thrilling history book, or even just met up with friends without her. Quite the contrary, she enjoyed having her own life. And he had to admit that that suited him just fine. Especially on a starship, where everyone seemed to live in one another’s pockets anyway, it was actually quite nice to have something interesting to tell each other in the evenings.

The music was quietening down a little, McCoy noticed, as the lights, which had been dimmed all evening, started to fade even more. Not in volume, unfortunately, but the next song was definitely slower.

‘Can’t Take My Eyes Off of You’ was sounding from the speakers, and Hope’s gaze met his, the undisguised love in her eyes almost taking his breath away. Trust her to immediately look at him, when the lyrics of a song ‘demanded’ it. And, boy, that song was beautiful, the words going straight to his heart. And to other parts of his body, too. He certainly couldn't take his eyes off her. And she was definitely ‘too good to be true’ as well as ‘heaven to touch’.

The two of them stared into each other’s eyes across the dimly lit space, and the doctor’s heart just melted knowing that Hope had eyes only for him, even when she was dancing with someone else.

“Very subtle Bones!” Jim’s voice suddenly rang in his ear, as the captain shouted over the hubbub, breaking the spell and reminding him that his relationship with Hope was actually still a secret.

McCoy quickly looked away, and straight into Kirk’s grinning face.

“Not sure, you’re actually still fooling anyone, but if you keep staring at her like that, you might as well make a ship-wide announcement,” the captain laughed, then smilingly shook his head when Scotty asked him to repeat what he’d just said, because he hadn’t been able to hear him over the din, as he called it.

The doctor snorted into his glass, then asked Scotty why he wasn’t on the dancefloor, only to be completely taken aback when the chief of engineering put down his glass, shrugged, and got up, heading straight over to Hope, asking her to dance.

McCoy felt annoyingly miffed, watching Scotty’s arms wrap around Hope’s waist, only to be immediately mollified when she grinned at him over the engineer’s shoulder, motioning for him to listen to the song, which was obviously another favourite of hers.

‘Making Love Out of Nothing at All’. Oh, yes, Hope could certainly do that. ‘I know just where to touch you’. God, had she just winked at him? Of course, she had, the little minx. And she knew exactly what she was doing to him.

Scotty’s stunt at dancing lasted only one song before one of his young ensigns from engineering took over, the music turning even slower.  

The sound of ‘Have I Told You Lately That I Love You?’ filled the whole deck, sending thrilling shivers down McCoy’s spine, and he was helpless to keep his eyes from meeting Hope’s again. Gazing deeply into each other’s eyes, the doctor didn’t even mind when he saw the ensign pulling her closer. Not much, anyway.

‘Fill my heart with gladness, take away all my sadness, ease my troubles, that’s what you do.’ He couldn't have put it better himself.

Thank you, Mr. Stewart, for writing a song about Hope and me, McCoy thought, feeling all soft and mellow inside.

Chekov took over from the other ensign, and the doctor saw a teasing smirk appear on Hope’s face as the first bars of the next song rang out, her eyes sparkling with mischief as she winked at him again. ‘Hey little girl is you daddy home?’ were the first words of the song, and he looked at her with mock irritation for poking fun at him like that. Really? Dancing with young Chekov to that song and teasing him about it? As if he weren’t feeling old enough already.

I sure am on fire, missy, McCoy thought, echoing the chorus of the song. And I’m so going to prove it to you tonight.

‘Nothing’s Gonna Change My Love for You’ was next, and as the song progressed, it seemed to him that Chekov was holding Hope just a tad too tight. And that kind of bothered him. A little. But the doctor found that he also felt a bit sorry for Chekov. It wasn’t his fault that he was so in love with Jenny. In fact, McCoy couldn't imagine anyone not being in love with her. Was the poor guy actually still hoping? Probably.

Hope threw the doctor a meaningful look when the next song started, urging him to listen to the lyrics of ‘I Want to Know What Love Is’. And he did. She knew him so well. Those were his exact feelings. A bit like the story of his life. A lonely life, in a way, despite all his friends, until he’d met her. There’d definitely been heartache and pain in his life, too. And now love had found him. Hope had found him.

Unable to contain his feelings any longer, McCoy got up and started towards the dancefloor. It was his turn to dance with her now. He needed to feel her close. And clearly seeing the infatuation on Chekov’s face, he was probably doing the young man a favour, too. Better bring him back to reality now, before he really had his heart broken.

The doctor knew that Hope had talked to Chekov about her feelings. Or non-feelings. And that she thought Pavel had understood and accepted the way things were between them. She just didn’t get that there was a huge gap between knowing and feeling. Only another man in love with her could really understand that giving up hope, or Hope, was simply impossible, and Chekov needed to be regularly reminded that he couldn't have her. Anything else would be cruel, even though Hope certainly didn’t mean to be.

However, just before McCoy could reach out to tap Chekov on the shoulder, this Michael Jackson guy and some other fellow started to sing ‘The Girl Is Mine’, stopping the doctor in his tracks, feeling ridiculous to claim Hope for exactly this dance. Looking at him from where she was still tightly ensconced in Chekov’s arms, Hope, of course, immediately caught on to his dilemma and started to giggle, just the sight of her happy, amused face instantly lifting his heart.

McCoy waited well into the next song, before finally taking over from Chekov. It hadn’t even been three hours since he’d last kissed Hope in his quarters, but it felt like an eternity to him. Talk about doing their own thing and not being joined at the hip. If he thought he could actually stay away from Hope for a serious amount of time, he was surely deceiving himself.

After she’d let go of Chekov, thanking him and turning towards McCoy, feeling her slide into his arms with such natural ease, made him feel as if he were floating. As if he’d been holding his breath for the longest time, and was finally able to breathe easy again.

‘Just the Way You Are’, another beautiful song. He certainly wouldn’t want Hope to change in any way. She was perfect. And what’s more, she loved him just the way he was, too. A fact that would never cease to amaze him.

“Billy Joel sure knows what he’s talking about,” Hope smiled, looking up at him and comfortably snuggling closer as they slowly moved to the music.

McCoy was suddenly feeling rather self-conscious. They’d never before been this kind of intimate in front of others, and he felt all eyes on them. Although he was probably just imagining it. But, almost drowning in Hope’s eyes, so beautiful, so full of love, he found that somehow, he didn’t even really care if they were the centre of attention.

The song morphed into another. ‘Can’t Fight This Feeling’. The doctor couldn't help chuckling to himself, when he found it another perfectly fitting song. Could this be coincidence? Spock of all people had volunteered to play DJ when Hope had announced that a DJ was absolutely necessary for this kind of party. Could Spock be doing this on purpose? To provoke him into something? Farfetched as it seemed, he wouldn’t put it past his Vulcan friend, who might be subtler than Jim, but was certainly no less of a meddler.

The next song was one McCoy knew well, and possibly Hope’s favourite country song of all times.

‘Amazed’, exactly what I am by her, the doctor thought lovingly, the familiar words seeming truer than ever. I couldn't express my feelings for her any better.

Unthinkingly, he pulled her even closer, moving like in a trance, completely losing himself in her. Everybody around them seemed to fade away, until it was just the two of them. Her head resting against his chest, her arms around his neck, he held her so tight, he was afraid he might squash her. Burying his face in her hair, eyes closed and breathing in her familiar scent, he thought he’d never wanted her more than he did at that very moment.

And just as he thought his heart would burst with love and desire, the first chords of another song he knew rang out. A classic, and definitely one of his own favourites. At least since he’d known Hope, who had performed it so many times. ‘To Make You Feel My Love’.

Hearing this song now, McCoy lost all sense of where he was, slowly moving, swaying to the rhythm, touching, inhaling, drinking in Hope, who was looking up at him now, her soulful eyes telling him how much she loved him, too. And before he knew what he was doing, just before the end of the song, his lips found hers to kiss her tenderly, hungrily, right there in front of everyone.

He heard people cheering and even applauding all around them. Of course, they’d only been waiting for him and Hope to ‘slip up’ and finally bring their relationship out into the open. And part of him registered joy at their crewmates’ obvious approval. But even if everyone were booing and hissing right now, he could never stop kissing her. Which she didn’t seem to mind at all. Matter of fact, she seemed just as eager as he was.

It was strange, they’d kissed a thousand times before, went to bed together every night and had done a million more intimate things already. And yet, McCoy was so used to being distant and acting respectably in public, this kiss almost felt like their first.

And to the sound of ‘Everything I Do, I Do It for You’, they just kept on swaying and kissing, and unabashedly showing their love for everyone to see. It felt great. More than that. It felt spectacular, and incredible, and amazing.

Oh yes, the doctor thought, gazing into Hope’s eyes and seeing right into her heart, Mr. Adams is absolutely right.

He’d do anything for Hope, give anything, including his life. Because there was no love like her love, nothing he wanted more, and certainly worth dying for. Because life without her had become unthinkable.  

Playlist (chapter 52):

Gloria Gaynor – I Am What I Am

Gloria Gaynor – I Will Survive

Gloria Gaynor – Can’t Take My Eyes Off of You

Air Supply – Making Love Out of Nothing at All

Rod Stewart – Have I Told You Lately

Bruce Springsteen – I’m on Fire  

Glenn Medeiros – Nothing’s Gonna Change My Love for You

Foreigner – I Want to Know What Love Is

Michael Jackson / Paul McCartney – The Girl Is Mine

Billy Joel – Just the Way You Are

REO Speedwagon – Can’t Fight This Feeling

Lonestar – Amazed

Garth Brooks (Bob Dylan) – To Make You Feel My Love

Bryan Adams – (Everything I Do) I Do It for You

Chapter 53              

Jenny thought all her Christmases had come at once. Safely ensconced in McCoy’s strong and tender arms, at liberty to show the whole world how much she loved him, she was dancing to some of her favourite music, which she hadn’t heard in ages, and had been convinced never to hear again. If this was cloud nine, she definitely wanted to stay. That Leonard had decided – or at least allowed himself – to kiss her like this in front of everyone had surprised her in the most pleasant and delightful way.

She knew, of course, that the doctor had tried to keep their relationship secret for her sake, and not because he felt ashamed of her or wasn’t committed enough. But she realised that, actually for some time now, she’d felt secure enough in her role as Starfleet officer and department head, had actually started to make a name for herself already on the Lexington, to not be afraid of being branded as Dr. McCoy’s little protégé anymore.

And just the thought of not having to sneak in and out of his quarters any longer, or to have to stop herself from seeking or giving comfort in front of others when the situation called for it, was liberating beyond words. For the first time ever, she could simply be herself on the Enterprise, without having to choose every word and consider every move carefully.

She’d hated the secrecy when it had all been about her past, and then again, when she couldn't openly show her feelings for the wonderful doctor. But now she just couldn't stop grinning. Her friends’ reaction was terrific. And heart-warming. They all seemed to be so happy for them. So supportive. She was incredibly blessed indeed.

The music was suddenly turned down for an announcement of an incoming transmission from Starfleet to Captain Kirk, and the captain quickly disappeared out the door to take the call in private. When he returned a few minutes later, there was a disgruntled and almost worried frown on his face, and Jenny wondered what the call might have been about. Leonard kept throwing Kirk concerned glances, too, but got no reaction from his friend, who just put his party smile back in place and motioned for everyone to continue enjoying themselves.

McCoy pulled her close again, drawing her into another passionate kiss as the next slow song started, only to end up giggling against each other’s lips when Sulu started a chant of “Get a room!”, prompting the doctor to grab her by the hand, pull her towards the exit, and slyly tell his cheering crewmates, “You know, we just might!”

Once outside, they made their way to the CMO’s quarters in record time, laughing and chortling all the way, and Jenny had never felt lighter. Or happier. Or more in love. As soon as the doors had slid shut behind them, they stumbled towards the bed, blindly fumbling with each other’s clothes, their lips firmly connected in a fervent kiss once again.

After having teased and flirted with Leonard all evening, Jenny couldn't wait to be at his – or have him at her – mercy again, but something wasn’t quite right. She could feel that his heart wasn’t in it as much as it should. He almost seemed distracted.

“Are you worried about the captain?” she asked, pausing in her endeavours to rid him of his clothes.

“Why?” McCoy shot back a little too quickly, and Jenny could see a flicker of guilt cross his face.

“Well, he did seem rather preoccupied after the call from Starfleet, don’t you think?” she continued gently, hoping to convey that she understood his concern and wasn’t mad at him for worrying about his friend when, by rights, he should really only be focusing on her.

“You’re right, love,” the doctor sighed, looking at her apologetically, “he seemed really tense.”

“Do you want to go talk to him?” Jenny suggested softly. “Maybe he could do with a friend now.”

McCoy searched her face for a long moment, obviously trying to gauge if she was being serious.

“You need me, too, love,” he finally said, his kind eyes travelling all over her body and back to her face. “After all, I’ve just made our relationship official without so much as discussing it with you first.”

“And we can celebrate later,” Jenny beamed, planting a chaste kiss on his lips, then laughed, “Oh, Leonard, don’t look so conscious-stricken! I have nothing to hide, everybody can know how much I love you. I’m actually glad they do now! But seriously, don’t neglect your duties as a friend. Go see the captain! Bring him some brandy, or whatever it is you usually do.”

When the doctor just kept looking doubtfully at her, she added, “Don’t worry! I have enough music to keep me entertained in the meantime. And I’ll still be here, waiting for you, when you come back. Promise!”

McCoy hesitated another moment, torn between what he wanted to do and what he knew he should do, then nodded reluctantly and started to readjust his clothes.

“You’re one remarkable lady, Jenny,” he murmured, pulling her in for a quick, but tight hug, before taking a few swift steps towards the door. “And you certainly never cease to amaze me. Your perceptiveness is second to none.”

-x-x-x-x-x-

Kirk’s eyes grew wide in surprise when he saw McCoy stepping into his quarters.

“What are you doing here, Bones? Something wrong? I thought you were having the night of your life!”

“I was,” the doctor admitted with a rueful little grin, plonking a bottle on Kirk’s desk and himself into the chair across from the captain. “But Jenny sent me on a mission, practically shoving the brandy into my hands. She thinks you might need someone to talk to, and, frankly, so do I. So, what’s eating you, Jim?”

“You really have an extraordinary woman there, Bones,” Kirk grinned, filling two small tumblers and settling back in his chair. “Are you not sometimes worried that she’s too good to be true?”

“More often than you think, Jim,” McCoy replied, raising an amused eyebrow. “But don’t change the subject! What’s bothering you? I’m here to listen!”

As it turned out, the call from Starfleet and the captain’s subsequent concerns were actually about Hope. Following his glowing report, Kirk had been asked to explain what she’d been doing on Iridis in the first place. And now he was hard-pressed to come up with a plausible explanation that would not put her career at risk.

“Don’t worry, Bones,” Jim smiled at this friend. “I’ll take care of it. I’ve dealt with those paper pushers so many times before, and I’ve always managed to find a way around silly rules and restrictions.”

The doctor, of course, knew that. Probably better than anyone. And he wasn’t worried at all. The captain would never allow anything to jeopardise Hope’s career. But McCoy couldn't shake the feeling that he was missing something here.

“Actually, Jim, I don’t quite see what the problem is,” he pondered aloud. “Hope asked for leave, and you granted it. What’s there to explain? She did nothing wrong, and neither did you!”

Kirk opened his mouth to answer, then closed it again, worrying his bottom lip with his teeth as he obviously tried to find the right words.

“Wait a minute,” it suddenly dawned on McCoy, “you didn’t tell them she asked for leave, did you? You’re not trying to save her career. What you’re trying to do is to somehow turn this into an official mission to ensure she gets the commendation she definitely deserves, right?”

The captain raised his glass at that, grinning sheepishly at his friend.

“Guilty as charged, Bones,” he smirked, and the doctor felt immense gratitude and fondness for Jim surging through him, as he realised that he was not the only one looking out for his beloved Hope.

-x-x-x-x-x-

When McCoy returned to his quarters, Jenny was taken aback to see him wordlessly make a beeline to where she was lounging on the bed engrossed in her music. His eyes dark and hungry, he seemed determined to pick up right where they’d left off earlier, deftly removing both their clothes and starting to kiss, touch and tease her in the most delicious ways before she even knew what was happening.

“No more excuses, love,” he almost growled, “I’ve been waiting to show you how ‘on fire’ I am far too long.”

Jenny didn’t even get the chance to process his words, Leonard’s skilled hands, lips and tongue instantly taking her to ecstatic heights. But just when she thought she’d reached paradise, he stopped, making her groan in frustration.

“Just getting even for your teasing me all evening,” he smirked, emerging from further down the bed and bringing his face close to hers, the tip of his nose sporting a tell-tale moist sheen. “One song, particularly, comes to mind. And to make it very clear, I’m not your daddy!”

“You’re not?” Jenny chuckled despite herself, feigning surprise and bashfully fluttering her eyelashes at him, but finding it increasingly difficult to flirt in her current state of burning desire.

“No,” Leonard growled, his voice even deeper this time. “Or would your daddy do this to you? Or this?”

“No, he certainly wouldn’t,” she moaned, all thoughts of Springsteen’s lyrics instantly pushed from her mind again, when the doctor finally ducked his head once more to finish what he’d so expertly started.

-x-x-x-x-x-

The next day, McCoy went to see Hope in her office. A luxury he hadn’t treated himself to very often before, for fear of being too obvious. Unlike her, who’d worked in sickbay for almost a year, and was still treated as one of the team, the doctor rarely had official business in linguistics.

In high spirits after their incredible evening and night, he revelled in the newfound freedom that officially being in a relationship with Hope afforded him.

Everybody knows, he thought happily, savouring the feeling, almost giddy with joy. Everybody knows that the most desirable woman in the whole galaxy is in love with me.

McCoy was only a few steps away from the linguistics department, when he saw Uhura sashaying out of the turbolift and disappearing straight into Hope’s office, seeming excited and in a hurry.

Not wanting to intrude, the doctor stood outside Hope’s office door and patiently waited for the women to finish whatever Uhura had come for. He honestly didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but the communications officer’s strong and clear voice was hard to ignore.

“So, it’s official, you and the doctor are an item! And you never said a word!” Uhura practically squealed, sounding a little miffed about having been kept in the dark, but mostly thrilled for her friend.

“Well, we …” Hope began hesitantly, seeming unsure of how to explain herself.

“But then, you didn’t really have to,” Uhura cut in, chuckling delightedly.

“You mean you knew?” Hope asked, perplexed.

“No,” Uhura reassured her, “but, like everybody else, I strongly suspected. It was certainly no secret that you and the doctor cared for each other. Anyone could see that.”

“Okay…” Hope sounded uncharacteristically tight-lipped, very likely a little embarrassed that she’d been so oblivious.

Even though he’d always tried to be discreet, McCoy had long suspected that their relationship might be the worst kept secret on the Enterprise.

“Oh darling,” Uhura giggled, “you were so obvious. Everybody could see that the two of you were crazy in love almost from the moment you first came aboard. And I’m not talking about your return from the Lexington, but the actual ‘first time’.”

“Now wait a little,” Hope protested, “we didn’t even know ourselves until the day before I transferred!”

Uhura laughed out loud at that, and McCoy couldn't help secretly grinning with her.

“Oh my, you two are priceless!” she snorted, seeming unable to get a grip on herself.

“How could you tell?” Hope asked, and the doctor heard genuine curiosity in her voice.

“Hmmm, let’s see,” Uhura replied, pretending to think hard about it. “Your whole face lights up whenever the doctor’s name comes up? You’ve spent practically all of your free time together, and that – again – since you first came aboard? And then there’s the way he looks at you?”

“What way?” Hope wanted to know.

“Phew, how can I explain it?” Uhura sighed. “Just, somehow, so full of tenderness and admiration. Okay, make that completely smitten. We all know that Dr. McCoy is a very caring and compassionate doctor. But there’s caring, and then there’s, you know, love. You’re both wearing your hearts on your sleeves. I remember how devastated Chekov was, when he first suspected.”

“You mean Pavel knew, too?”

“But of course!”

McCoy groaned inwardly, remembering how Chekov had come to practically ask his permission to date Hope when she still had amnesia. For such a brilliant woman, Hope was really clueless sometimes.

“And he still kept dancing with me and being my friend?”

“Honey,” Uhura gave an exasperated sigh, “he’s always loved you. Still does. Even knowing that he can never be more than a friend. Or why do you think, he’s never had the same girlfriend for more than a week or so?”

There was a long silence as Hope apparently contemplated Uhura’s words.

“Don’t worry,” the communications officer continued. “Pavel likes and respects the doctor far too much to ever try to get between you. Not that he could, of course. He's known McCoy for years, and the doctor has saved his life more than once.”

“I wish Pavel would find someone nice, someone who’d really make him happy,” Hope sighed, and McCoy felt his heart melt at how she always wanted everyone to be happy.

“I’m sure we’ll find someone for him eventually,” Uhura smiled. “Anyway, I’m really happy for you and the doctor. You both deserve to be happy. Dr. McCoy is a really fine man. And you are the best friend I could wish for. You two are perfect for each other!”

“Oh, we are!” Hope exclaimed enthusiastically, and McCoy was just about to make his presence known, when she went on. “At least I hope so. I sure couldn't be happier. He's incredible, Nyota! The most wonderful man you can imagine. Everything I’ve ever dreamed of. I adore him. I could just lie in his arms forever, talking and ... stuff, and not get bored for a minute. But even when we don't have any time at all, because of some crisis or other, just a moment's glance or a fraction of a smile from him feels like being wrapped in the warmest embrace. I just need to know he's there, and everything will be all right.”

McCoy was deeply touched by Hope’s words. She’d told him all of that many times before, of course, but hearing her tell the same thing to her best friend was something else again. Proof that she really felt like this and didn’t just say it to please him.

“Now you're making me jealous,” Uhura said wistfully. “I want what you have. I wish the doctor had a brother. Or a son even.”

Uhura chuckled, then let out an astonished squeal, when Hope playfully shoved her.

“Oh stop it, Nyota! You're being gross!”

“Well, I like my men young. And that McCoy is quite a bit older than you is a fact.”

She was right, of course. The doctor heaved a quiet sigh.

“Really, you're as bad as Leonard,” Hope moaned.

“Does it bother him?” Uhura wanted to know.

“It used to. But, thankfully, not anymore. He's come to accept that I love him exactly the way he is. That he makes me happy in every way.”

“Every way? Oh please, do tell!” Uhura laughed, enjoying teasing her friend.

McCoy held his breath. Now, this was getting interesting.

“Oh, you're impossible!” Hope scolded her friend, then chuckled good-naturedly, “Yes, in every way. The rumours about Leonard and his ‘hands of a surgeon’ are definitely true, you know. And that's as much as you'll hear from me in this matter. Now go badger someone else, girlfriend. I've got work to do!”

The doctor had to clamp a hand over his mouth to keep from laughing out loud in surprise at that, and quickly stepped through the door into Hope’s office before he got to hear any further details about himself he definitely didn’t need to know, charmingly grinning at a startled and blushing Uhura, as she nearly bumped into him on her hasty way out.

“Leonard! What a nice surprise!” Hope greeted him over-brightly, looking a little flustered at his sudden appearance.

“Glad you think so! I’m certainly glad I came,” he replied, trying to keep a straight face as he waited for the doors to hiss shut behind him. Then he wrapped his arms around Hope, brushed a tender kiss on her lips, and whispered in her ear, “And I can’t wait to show you what this surgeon’s hands can really do.”

Chapter 54              

Jenny woke up with a start, sitting bolt upright in bed, her heart racing, as the dream slowly faded away. The dream that kept torturing her. Some nights even more often than once. It was always the same dream. And yet, it wasn’t. Always the same people in it. Kids. Two boys. Although they looked different every time, so she couldn’t be totally sure. But something terrible always happened to them, some accident or illness. Sometimes they drowned, sometimes they fell off a cliff, or got shot or hit by something. Whatever tragedy befell them, the outcome was always the same: Jenny started awake, completely shaken and feeling a terrible loss.

Sammy, she thought, searching her mind and her heart for clues, any memories she might associate with that name. Like she’d done every night for the past week or so. And just like always, she came up with nothing. Yet, the name seemed strangely familiar. One of the kids they’d saved on Iridis had gone by that name. Or at least a very similar sounding Iridian one. And it had triggered something in her mind, although she couldn’t for the life of her fathom out what.

"Come here, love," Leonard’s drowsy voice broke into her thoughts, a gentle hand softly tugging at her shoulder and pulling her down into his loving arms.

He didn’t ask about the dream, knowing by now that she didn’t want to – couldn't – talk about it, just offering comfort, a safe place for her to go back to sleep, and she gratefully sank into his warm embrace, like she had for the past few nights. McCoy thought she was having nightmares from Iridis. And maybe he was right, perhaps she was. She was certainly happy to let him believe it was just that. Even though she had an inkling that there was more to it.

Snuggling closer into the doctor’s arms, Jenny promised herself to talk to him about it, if her nightmares hadn’t stopped by the end of the week. She loved him for being so patient with her. For letting her come to him, confide in him, in her own good time. Especially since, generally speaking, patience definitely wasn’t his strong suit.

It wasn’t that she didn’t want to tell him what was bothering her. Matter of fact, she loved sharing everything with him. Well, except for sometimes, when she really didn’t want to worry him. But some things were just so hard to talk about, or rather, hard to put into words. To find the right words to even begin to describe or explain what she hardly understood herself.

Still, Leonard was always there for her, steadfastly offering comfort and support, no questions asked. Love, and warmth, and security. A safe place for her to work things out. Until she could talk about them. And when she was ready, she knew he’d listen like no one else could. Full of concern, eager to help, but entirely without doubting or judging her.

-x-x-x-x-x-

It had been almost two weeks now, McCoy thought, and during the day, Hope was cheerful and seemingly carefree as ever, visibly basking in the newly official status of their relationship. But Iridis still haunted her dreams, and there hadn’t been a night without her having at least one nightmare since. It wasn’t particularly surprising, of course. The experience wasn’t something you could just easily put behind you. He still had nightmares about it, too.

Hard as it was for him to watch her struggle every night, McCoy accepted that she didn’t want to talk about Iridis anymore. They’d done so extensively after their return, and he’d long established that Hope’s natural coping mechanism was to focus on the positive things in life rather than dwell on the negative. And that was all right, too. He supported that.

So he kept from asking any questions, when he found her sitting up in bed at night, trembling and breathing hard, and just pulled her into his arms, to comfort and soothe her, and to make her feel as safe as he could. It always worked. She was back asleep almost the moment his arms closed around her and her head came to rest on his chest.

The doctor wasn’t overly worried, though. Hope was a strong woman, and the dreams would fade over time. Besides, he was sure that she’d come and talk to him of her own accord, if she felt the need. If something was really bothering, worrying, or even scaring her. She’d done it before. All she needed was to feel his love and support, safe in the knowledge to have his caring, non-judgemental attention once she decided to confide in him.

Furthermore, McCoy couldn’t deny that he loved being there for Hope like that. Holding her safe, giving her all the tender touch and security she needed, never failed to fill his heart with joy and a sense of purpose he couldn’t even begin to describe. Or even really understand. Taking care of this extraordinary woman, whom he loved more than life itself, had become his raison d’être, his whole reason for living. And, strangely enough, the realisation didn’t even scare him anymore.

-x-x-x-x-x-

After Iridis, their relationship had slightly shifted. Even though he hadn’t been aware of it, had actually seen them as equal partners long before then, McCoy now felt a new level of admiration and respect for Hope. Part of her was still, and would always remain, the delicate girl he so desperately needed to protect and keep safe. But he’d never seen more clearly that she’d grown into a truly independent and strong woman. A partner he could always lean on, too. He was no longer afraid of breaking her, of needing her, of not always being the strong one.

What a wonderful team we are!

And now that their relationship was official, McCoy suddenly felt like asking her the big question, surprising himself a little there. It was like a deeply harboured yearning he’d never known he had. Truthfully, he’d thought he’d never even consider marriage again after his spectacular failure the first time. And Hope had certainly never given any hint that it might be important to her, or that she’d even be open to it in the first place.

Besides, everything was perfect between them as it was. There was no need to change anything. And yet, the doctor couldn’t shrug off this growing desire to be married to Hope, to call her his wife. Not because he wanted to make some old-fashioned claim, to ‘possess’ her. Just the idea of Hope being anything but her own, free, independent person was ridiculous. But because he felt the urge to somehow take their love to the next level, which was nigh impossible.

It couldn’t get any better or deeper or more perfect. But marriage would show the whole world their appreciation of each other, their wish to be together. Always and forever. And McCoy felt he really wanted the world to know just how happy he was with Hope. How perfect and wonderful he thought she was. He’d never had this urge before. Certainly not when he’d proposed to Jocelyn. Then, it had just been ‘the right thing to do’, the next logical step, what people - and most of all Jocelyn - expected.

He should have waited for the next shore leave, of course. Should have got a beautiful ring and taken Hope to a romantic place or some first-class restaurant for the occasion. But bearing in mind how quickly bad things could happen in space, the doctor didn’t think he could wait that long.

Hope didn’t need grand gestures, he knew her that well. She didn’t need a ridiculously expensive ring as proof of the depth and sincerity of his love for her. There wasn’t a ring valuable enough to reflect the strength of his love anyway, even if he could afford it. And her self-esteem certainly didn’t depend on swanky public displays of his affection. But he still wanted to propose to her in a romantic setting.

In the end, however, he just more of less blurted out the question when his heart was too full to contain it any longer.

-x-x-x-x-x-

Jenny and McCoy were having an intimate dinner in a secluded corner of the observation deck, and Leonard had been awfully fidgety all evening. Starfleet had issued a commendation praising them both for their exemplary work on Iridis, and the doctor had insisted on organising a celebratory dinner for them. Something special, he’d said, a little more glamorous than the mess, and with a nicer view.

“What’s the matter, Leonard?” Jenny asked, gently placing her hand on top of his, to stop him from restlessly drumming his fingers on the table. “Something’s really bothering you. What is it?”

Looking at him, as he nervously gazed at her from under his eyelashes, an almost shy smile playing around his lips, she couldn't help thinking how handsome he was. A fact he seemed to be completely oblivious of. She’d known him for a long time now, but there were still moments when his looks simply took her breath away.

She loved him for so many reasons. His kindness, his brilliance, his humour, the way he cared. About her and everyone else. For giving her this wonderful sense of security, of being cherished. And for the way he made her feel when he touched her, kissed her, made love to her. A lot of the time, she just took his good looks for granted. But sometimes, at moments like this, she’d look at him, and just get blown away by what a gorgeous man he was, feeling immensely proud to be the woman at his side.

“Jenny, I love you more than you’ll ever know,” McCoy began hesitantly, his eyes darting around restlessly, unable to hold her gaze. “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and I can’t imagine ever being without you again.”

He clasped her fingers, his hand untypically clammy and cold, and Jenny was growing uneasy. Was this the build-up for some bad news? But what about? His health? It didn’t even bear thinking about. Did he have to leave the Enterprise? Was he going to break up with her for some other reason? She felt her lips getting dry, and her heart hammering frantically against her chest. They’d been so happy!

“Will you marry me?”

The question came so unexpected, Jenny couldn't help the relieved laughter bubbling up inside her, unable to give this pivotal moment the dignity it deserved, and which Leonard had clearly meant to convey.

“Would you really want to?” she all but guffawed, flabbergasted. “I mean, I always thought you were done with marriage.”

The doctor’s face fell. This was clearly not the reaction he’d hoped for.

“Would I ask, if I wasn’t serious?” he retorted, his shoulders sagging, and suddenly looking lost and insecure in a way she’d never seen him before.

He’d tried to make this the perfect proposal, and she’d gone and ruined it, put the mother of all dampeners on this precious moment by questioning his sincerity.

When the enormity of the actual question finally struck home, Jenny jumped up from her chair, hurled herself around the table, and literally fell to her knees at Leonard’s feet. Grabbing his hand and putting it to her lips, she gazed up at the doctor through moist eyes, her heart bursting with a million wonderful emotions.

“Yes, Leonard, oh yes!” she beamed, feeling her eyes spill over with happy tears. “I’d love nothing more than to be your wife.”

Seeming rather overwhelmed by the situation himself, and quite obviously having a hard time processing that she’d just said yes, McCoy pulled her up and onto his lap, wrapping his arms so tightly around her she could hardly breathe, while drawing her into a kiss so intense, her limbs went all weak and started to feel like jelly.

-x-x-x-x-x-

Hope had said yes. McCoy could hardly believe it. After her initial reaction, he’d almost regretted asking her, suddenly feeling incredibly silly and ridiculous, afraid to have made a complete fool of himself. Or, even worse, to have put her in an awkward position. But now the world was a beautiful place again. A dream had come true. The most wonderful woman in the universe, the love of his life, had agreed to marry him. And she seemed really happy about it, too.

Unlike Jocelyn who’d probably been waiting for him to pop the question since their first date, craving the idea of being married to a soon-to-be doctor rather than actual life with him and all that his job entailed, Hope had been genuinely surprised.

No doubt about that, he couldn't help smiling to himself.

And yet, she’d said yes, wanting them to be together for the rest of their lives just as much as he did.

As if on cue, the sound of the bosun’s whistle could be heard across the observation deck, and a call came through, asking Dr. McCoy to report to sickbay.

The doctor was crestfallen. This was unbelievable! Couldn't he even propose in peace? But Hope just giggled as she quickly slid off his lap. Her eyes sparkling with amusement, she seemed to actually find this hilarious! Not a trace of disappointment or annoyance on her face, like any other woman would probably have felt at that moment. She really was something else.

McCoy jumped up and hit the comm on the wall closest to their table, only to learn that there had been an accident in engineering, and M’Benga needed him down in sickbay ASAP.

“Go, Leonard, and good luck!” Hope smiled, giving his arm a comforting squeeze. “This certainly makes the occasion even more memorable. I’ll stay here a little while longer, and if it gets too late, you’ll find your fiancée in your quarters.”

The doctor nodded resignedly, brushed a hurried kiss on her lips, and then raced off towards the nearest turbolift, his heart brimming over with love for this extraordinary woman. His fiancée. He rolled the word around in his mind for a moment, then shut out all private thoughts and emotions, switching to complete doctor mode before entering sickbay.

Chapter 55              

Jenny’s heart was bursting with love and happiness. Unbelievably, she was engaged. To wonderful, kind, amazing Leonard. The renowned Dr. McCoy of Starfleet. Jenny was going to be a wife. Leonard’s wife. She honestly hadn’t seen that one coming, not in a million years, and she still had to get her head around it. But she had to admit that it felt terrific. Not least, because it seemed to mean so much to him. Probably the one thing that had surprised her most that evening.

After his countless snide remarks on the subject over the years, leaving no doubt about what he thought of marriage, or, more accurately, how much he’d been hurt by his first encounter with the institution, his proposal had certainly come completely out of the blue. How often had he claimed to be utterly unfit for relationships? Although, the way he’d always been there for her from the very beginning, long before theirs could actually have been called a relationship, even Leonard must have seen how wrong he’d been in his assessment.

To tell the truth, marriage had never been ranking particularly high on Jenny’s list of life goals. She’d never seen it as more than an inconsequential piece of paper, certainly nothing that said anything about the love two people held for each other, or the state of their relationship. A wedding might be an opportunity to have a big party, be the centre of attention for a day, if you liked that sort of thing. But it certainly didn’t provide any lasting security as far as love, loyalty, or fidelity were concerned.

No, marriage had never held the appeal for her it obviously held for so many others. And being with McCoy, and very happily so, she’d honestly never given it much thought. He’d been there, done that already, and she’d always been under the impression that once had been more than enough for him.

And that wasn’t even counting his short, and almost immediately annulled, marriage to Natira, which Leonard didn’t seem exactly proud of and had only briefly mentioned to her once. Apparently, the whole episode had been a bit of a blur for him, having found out about his terminal illness only days before, and feeling dizzy and rather out of it due to that very same illness.

Jenny’s heart ached just thinking about him being ill and scared and trying to deal with it all by himself, and she was eternally grateful to the High Priestess of Yonada for being there for Leonard and loving him at that difficult time.*

Natira must have been a very impressive woman, and Jenny was convinced that McCoy must have had real feelings for her, too – as real as they could be for someone you’d only just met, anyway – or he would never have agreed to marry her, not even in his dazed state. She knew him that well.  But from what he’d told her, his main motivators for agreeing to stay and marry the priestess had been his longing to be loved and fear of dying lonely on the one hand, and it being the only way he saw to save Jim and Spock’s lives on the other hand.

Jenny had never asked him for details after that, sensing how embarrassed, and most of all guilty towards Natira, Leonard felt. She certainly didn’t want him to think he had to justify himself for anything in his past. Least of all to her.

Now, however, the doctor seemed positively eager to get married again. The thought crossed her mind that, maybe, he thought it was important to her? Knowing how he would do anything to make her happy, Jenny wouldn’t put it past him. She’d have to find out.

But she also had to admit that she was extremely flattered. And excited. Knowing that he loved and trusted her enough to overcome his mistrust of marriage, made her happy beyond words. Coming from Leonard, a proposal was certainly the greatest declaration of love she could think of. And he’d been so adorably nervous about it, too!

Jenny had been totally committed to McCoy since what felt like forever, wanting to be with him for the rest of her life, married or not, more than anything else. But now that she seriously thought about it, in a way that was hard to explain, the idea of them being husband and wife actually felt like the ultimate connection, an unbreakable bond. All of a sudden, as she’d already told him on the observation deck earlier, she found that she wanted nothing more than to be Leonard’s wife.

Allowing himself to love her like he did, had, of course, made McCoy vulnerable again way before he’d even thought of proposing. Jenny had long realised that and always seen it as the most precious gift, well aware of how much being emotionally vulnerable scared Leonard. It was undoubtedly the main reason why he’d made it his mission to get Spock to actively deal with his human half. To try and prepare him for emotional assault far worse than the doctor’s playful, affectionate jibes. Although few people, apart from Spock himself and maybe the captain and the bridge crew, seemed to get that. A subject that Christine seemed to be particular touchy about.

Jenny would never knowingly do anything to hurt Leonard, of course. He deserved nothing but unconditional love, loyalty and support in every way possible. Underneath his crusty shell, he was probably the softest, most easily hurt person she knew. Unnoticed by most people, and the doctor worked hard to keep it that way, McCoy took everything to heart. Jenny had lost count of the times she’d witnessed him going from confident and happy to insecure and defensive in the blink of an eye after a simple, careless remark of one of his friends. Or, sadly, sometimes even one of hers.

She knew only too well that with the power to make him happy, that she’d been blessed with, also came the power to destroy him. And she vowed then and there to make every effort to take even better care of his heart in the future, to always be considerate of his feelings, in her words as well as in her actions.

Love did make you vulnerable. It was an undeniable truth. But for Jenny, the wonderful side, the beauty of love would always outweigh the hurt it might cause. With Leonard, she even enjoyed being – or rather, making herself – vulnerable. Because, for some reason, she’d known from the start that her heart was safe with him. That he’d never hurt her, since that would break his own heart, too. And being able to drop her guard around him, not having to pretend to be more than she was, or stronger, or cleverer, made her feel safe in a way she couldn't even begin to explain.

It was fantastic to know that she could ask him anything, and not worry about coming across as dim, or naïve, or still overwhelmed by living in the 23rd century even after all this time. Leonard would always take her questions and insecurities seriously, delighting in explaining without being patronising. He might smile at some questions, which Jenny didn’t mind, often seeing the funny side herself, but it was always in a loving, benign and caring way, never to ridicule.

Come to think of it, everything they did, they seemed to do lovingly and respectfully. Even argue. But then, most of their disagreements arose from one of them trying to protect the other, however misguidedly, anyway. What better foundation to build a strong marriage on? Jenny couldn't think of anything she wanted more than to make McCoy the happiest husband ever. She’d have him smiling all day, every day. Get rid of that worried frown once and for all.

Go big or go home, she chuckled to herself, but then she’d always set her goals high.

There was certainly no greater, more fulfilling joy than being able to put one of those glowing smiles on Leonard’s face, the ones that always went straight to her heart, filling it with the warmest, fuzziest feelings and a rush of happiness she hadn’t known until she’d met her science-blue soulmate.  

-x-x-x-x-x-

When McCoy returned to his quarters late that evening, still seething from having had ‘their moment’ interrupted so rudely while at the same time trying to comprehend that they were now actually engaged to be married, he found Hope curled up on the couch, still fully dressed and fast asleep. Of course, she’d wanted to wait up for him. She always did when he was dealing with an emergency, he thought fondly. But all those broken nights seemed to have taken it out of her.

Stopping to look at her familiar form, ‘her’ music still playing softly in the background, he felt all his exhaustion from the operation he’d just had to perform ebb away. Simply being in her presence always had this effect on him. Just like he always endeavoured to be her rock, her protector, Hope had become his safe haven, the calm and soothing centre of his rough and stormy universe.

For all I know, she might be an angel, he thought affectionately, and with her serene expression and her hair having come loose and curling softly around her face, she looked exactly as he would picture one.

McCoy still couldn’t quite grasp it. He’d asked her to marry him, and she’s said yes. Just like that! And now he felt on top of the world. How was he so lucky? Nothing had actually changed. And yet, everything had. Funny, how words could do that. Because, really, it had just been words. They were still the same people, still felt the same way about each other. He’d asked a question, she’d given an answer. So, why was he feeling happier than he ever had before? The human soul truly was a mystery.

Letting his eyes trail over her lovely features, so delicate in sleep, it suddenly hit him how much he wanted her to be family. To have a family. Maybe that was one of the reasons he wanted to marry her so badly? To actually give her a family again. To share his family with her. Because every time he thought about how alone in the world she was, it still hurt.

He needed Hope to feel that she was the single most important person in his life. That all his dreams and desires were about her. That she was constantly on his mind, wherever he was, whatever he was doing.

Looking back, McCoy realised that she’d practically taken up most of his thoughts since the day they’d met. He’d worried about her, been fascinated and entertained by her, had watched her at work, taking care of his patients, when she was dancing, or singing, or simply being Hope. Wonderful, lovely, brilliant, amazing Hope.

He’d fallen under her spell faster than he’d ever thought possible. In literally no time, his whole life had started to revolve around her, he’d opened up to her, exposed himself and made himself vulnerable like never before. And he didn’t regret a single minute. Hope had been worth every moment of doubt, or fear, or worry, or pain. Because he’d also been happier, more at ease with himself and at peace with the world, than he’d ever been before.

Wanting her to have a family again might be one of the reasons why he couldn't wait to marry her. But the main reason was certainly that he felt perfectly safe with her. Safe in her love, trusting her implicitly. Because, insecure as he’d always felt in previous relationships, he knew with staggering certainty that Hope would never knowingly hurt him.

Now, she was going to be his wife, and he was determined to make her the happiest wife there’d ever been. He knew she was happy and positive by default, and he’d always admired and envied that. But from now on, he’d make it his mission to make her feel loved, and cherished, and safe beyond anything she’d ever dreamed of.

And, feeling a thrill of excitement running through him, McCoy realised that with Hope, unlike with any other woman before her, he actually believed he could achieve that. Just the thought that he, of all people, had the power, and the chance, to give her all that, made his heart soar with joyful delight.

-x-x-x-x-x-

With all those warm thoughts filling his mind, McCoy crouched down next to the couch, gently whispered Hope’s name, and pressed a tender kiss to her forehead. She was wide awake at the first touch, sitting up and groggily blinking her eyes to get rid of the sleepiness.

“How did it go?” she asked, a worried frown crossing her face.

“Everyone’s fine, love,” the doctor smiled, touched that this would always be her first concern, no matter how sleepy she was, or how caught up in her own problems.

He sat down beside her on the couch and pulled her into his arms, sighing contentedly as he felt her comfortably settling against him. Enjoying the warmth and the closeness, McCoy couldn't think of anything more relaxing than feeling Hope’s soft breath caressing his neck, as she snuggled ever closer, practically purring with contentment. He couldn't even remember how he had lived without her tender affections. And he sure as hell didn’t intend to ever go back to that cold and lonely place.

“I had the most incredible dream,” Hope said softly after a while.

“You did?” the doctor replied, curious, but not quite sure if she wanted to share anything else.

When she realised that he wasn’t going to ask, she smilingly volunteered, “I dreamed that the most handsome doctor in Starfleet asked me to marry him.”

“Really?” McCoy chuckled feigning surprise and trying not to let on how ridiculously flattered he was by her calling him handsome. “How forward of him!”

Hope giggled at that, and the delightful sound melted his heart just like it always did.

“And what was your answer?” he asked softly, feeling his heart beating faster, even though he already knew.

“I said yes, of course!” she beamed, not missing a beat and wrapping her arms tightly around his waist. “Yes, with all my heart!”  

“You said yes,” McCoy repeated, reverently murmuring the words against her hair, his voice cracking a little as their significance hit him anew.

“I certainly did,” Hope confirmed once more, and he could virtually feel the joyful emotions rippling through her lithe body, as she lifted her sweet face to look at him, drawing him into the bottomless depths of her beautiful, dark eyes.

Pulling back a little, his breath hitching slightly in his chest, McCoy quietly asked, “Are you still sure, love? I mean we’ve talked a lot about how I feel about relationships and marriage, and I couldn't have been more wrong, as it turns out, of course, but you’ve never revealed your own opinion on marriage.”

“I’ve never been surer about anything in my life, Leonard,” Hope said emphatically, reaching up to smoothen out his worried frown with gentle fingers.

“Even though I’ll have to run off all the time?” he just had to make sure. “Hell, I couldn't even finish proposing without being called away!”

“Leonard, we’ve talked about this before,” Hope smiled indulgently, and he could tell that she was trying to be patient with him. “You should really know better than to ask this by now. But I’ll gladly tell you again. As often as you need to hear it.”

McCoy just tilted his head to the side, silently pleading with her to keep talking.

“Of course, I’m sure, Leonard!” she went on, sitting up straight and holding his gaze. “I know what it’s like to be with you. I’ve known that you’re a doctor, and all that entails, from the start. In your line of work, more often than not, time is of the essence. You’ll always be – have to be – a doctor first. And it doesn’t bother me in the least. Quite the contrary! I admire your devotion, I’m proud that you’re such a gifted healer, and I’m grateful for every life you’ve saved and are still going to save.”

Hope paused to plant a gentle kiss on McCoy’s lips.

“I want to support you in every way I can, Leonard,” she continued softly. “Just as I’d like to think that you will support me, when I need to put my work and career first, by the way.”

“Of course, I will, love,” the doctor was almost too choked up to reply, losing himself in Hope’s tender eyes once again.

“I’ve told you before, and I won’t stop telling you until you believe me,” she sighed. “You are the most caring and reliable person I know. And I love you the more for taking your responsibilities seriously. It’s what you do, who you are, and one of the reasons I love you so much. It’s why you’re my hero, why I look up to you, why I’ll always feel safe with you.”

Then she suddenly got very serious, looking at him intently, and her next words touched him to the core.

“But when, at times, you can’t perform a miracle, I want to be there to hold you, to comfort you and remind you that you did your best. Because that’s what you do. Your very best. Always. But even so – although I sometimes have my doubts – you’re still a doctor, not a magician.”

-x-x-x-x-x-

Jenny didn’t mind telling Leonard again and again how wonderful he was, and how much she loved and adored him. In fact, she’d be happy to go on about her feelings for him all day. But she really wished that he’d wake up one morning and just know how amazing he was. Gazing at his beloved face, glad to see the last traces of doubt disappear as her words sank in, she suddenly remembered something else she needed to tell him.

“I’m sorry I messed up your beautiful proposal,” she smiled ruefully, actually having meant to apologise just before McCoy had been called to sickbay. “You need to know that I wasn’t laughing at you or your words. It’s just that, with you being so nervous all evening, when you started to tell me how much you loved me, I couldn't help thinking you were trying to prepare me for some bad news. And then, when you asked the question, I was just giddy with relief. You have no idea how scared I was for you, for us, at that moment.”

The words had just poured out of her, but seeing the doctor listening attentively, a relieved smile spreading across his face, Jenny was glad that she’d brought it up. She couldn't let him go on believing that her first reaction to his proposal had been to laugh it off.

“You haven’t messed up anything, Jenny,” McCoy lovingly reassured her, tenderly brushing a stray strand of hair out of her face. “If anyone has, it was obviously me. I’m sorry I scared you. I’m not very good at proposing, I guess.”

“But you are!” she exclaimed, needing him to understand how unbelievably happy he’d made her. “It couldn't have been more perfect.”

“Actually, it could,” the doctor hung his head, “and it should. I meant to do this far more romantically, but my heart was threatening to spill over, I just couldn't wait any longer. I don’t even have a ring for you yet.”

McCoy chuckled sheepishly, visibly dissatisfied with the way his proposal had turned out.

“But Leonard, I already have a ring!” Jenny laughed, taking it off and placing it in his hand. “And the most beautiful one, too. You already knew that our love was for life when you bought it for me, didn’t you? And it helped me through so many difficulties and hard times, I’d never even want another. This ring is perfect! Your proposal was perfect! You are perfect!”

The doctor just looked at her for a moment, blinking back emotional tears, then slid off of the couch and went down on one knee, putting on a face so serious, Jenny had to bite her lip not to laugh again. He was just too sweet and adorable.

“Jennifer Hope, will you do me the honour of becoming my wife?” McCoy asked earnestly, tenderly taking her hand in his and gazing deeply into her eyes.

And when Jenny nodded a tearful yes, he gently slid the dolphin-shaped ring on her finger, got up again and pulled her into a kiss that told her exactly how happy she’d just made him.

A/N:  *In case you’re wondering what I’m talking about, and who Natira is, I’m referring to TOS s3e8 "For the World is Hollow and I Have Touched the Sky", in which McCoy is terminally ill with xenopolycythemia.

x-x-x-x-x-

Continue to:       Chapters 56-60                    Chapters 61-65                     Chapters 66-70           Chapter 71                  

Go back to: Chapters 1-5 Chapters 6-10 Chapters 11-15   Chapters 16-20   Chapters 21-25 Chapters 26-30   Chapters 31-35   Chapters 36-40     Chapters 41-45           Chapters 46-50                          

Or read it on AO3: Another Life

************ Disclaimer: Nothing of or associated with Star Trek is mine – it all belongs to Paramount / ViacomCBS (or whoever else is currently holding the rights). This is a work of fanfiction, no infringement intended.

[goldenworldsabound]

Okay so this is really random but I actually really love Star Trek (especially the original series) and I know you self ship with Spock so is it okay if I please ask for the background and some details about your insert perhaps? 👉🏻👈🏻🥺

cracks knuckles I LOVE TALKING ABOUT SPOCK AND TREK AND ALSO YES TOS IS SO GREAT!!!!!

I’mma shove the whole thing under a cut cause I wanna go off fhdkjads

Spock was my first fave ever (and he’ll always be very special for it) over a decade ago when I was in high school. I wrote tons and tons of pages about us. And I never told a soul until I got back into self shipping 3 years back or so. The original idea I had for my interest (which is not the current one) was that like. I got teleported into the future randomly (except it wasn’t random and I covered this in a zany time travel plot type episode) and turns out Trek Real. So Kirk and Bones and Spock were all trying to help me adjust and stuff! Kirk and Bones were familial figures for me at that time and Spock 🥺 Spock was like. Very uncertain how to deal with me BUT he respected how much I wanted to adjust to being thrown a thousand years into the future and he taught me SCIENCE things and we fell in LOVE. There were so many plots and twists and turns of this relationship but we bonded and got married and it was great 🥺❤💕 I could go on forever about the various episodes for this SI but I will hold off for the moment because that’s the old SI. The old tag was #love is fascinating hehe

My NEW SI is a childhood friends to lovers with Spock 👀 I have some fics I’ll link at the end actually BUT her family lived on a variety of planets throughout her childhood. One of those was Vulcan! Where she met young Spock who was still learning how to be more Vulcan than human. They became close friends for the time that she lived on Vulcan and accidentally brushed minds enough together that they created a small, weak bond. They didn’t know this!!! they were just two lonely kids messing around you know. She also defended him against bullies once which while it made him happy ultimately made things a little worse for him but ): what can you do

But then her family leaves (and Spock doesn’t go see her off because he knew he’d cry and his dad would be Disappointed ™) and it’s really sad ): eventually her family gets into some sort of space accident which she alone survives by being cryogenically frozen. It takes a few years before she’s found, so the age gap between them has widened since she just. Didn’t age as she’s cryogenically frozen. This means that by the time she’s doing Starfleet training, Spock is already done.

Eventually the Enterprise is being set up for it’s 5 year mission and she’s chosen to be a Science Officer onboard to serve under Spock. She’s been through a lot of shit and doesn’t remember why he seems familiar at first (also he’s grown up and is a lot more Vulcan and a lot less human), but upon getting near him the bond kind of tingles at the back of her mind and she’s like OH!!!! OH IT’S YOU!!!! Spock of course does remember her but he’s like we don’t have time for that yet launching a starship is very busy. He also realizes he’s sort of weakly bonded to her and he’s like ah that’s bad because...I am bonded to T’Pring.

SO!!! Spock and I work together on and off the bridge, and on missions, and everyone is like wow those two work together really well! Which most people don’t get along that well with Spock at first. But the first shoreleave we have Spock is like hey...look...we’re sort of bonded and that’s bad so let me undo that. And I’m devastated (he’s also devastated but quietly) because like his presence has been in my mind for most of my life and suddenly it’s gone and also I’d totally fallen for him and he’s bETROTHED and I’m just like. Fuck this. Fuck that. Fuck. Very upsetti. But Kirk and Bones see me being grumpy and alone on shore leave so they hang out with me and that starts up our friendships (and eventual romance with Kirk).

But Spock and I continue to be really close and work together very well and rumors circulate about us having crushes on each other. Which. It does seem to be the case. But I’m like NO he can’t have a crush on me he’s BETROTHED and I’m full of heartache at all times (Spock is too but that’s harder to notice obvs). Actually we’re both very professional about it in general and we ignore the rumors.

EVENTUALLY we get to The Pon Farr Episode fjkhdsaf and I’m super pissed and I yell at everybody (T’Pring, Vulcan elders, you know, lots of folks I shouldn’t yell at) about how I love Spock and this is just!!! Ridiculous and fuck you specifically T’Pring (grrRRRRRR) and Bones gets me to calm down but it’s TOO LATE Spock 300% heard me say I love him. But I’m like I guess it doesn’t matter cause he might die.

Of course he doesn’t and that’s very good but now I am thoroughly embarrassed because I confessed in front of so many people so I avoid Spock to the point that it affects our work and Jim is like Wendy. You have to talk to him. He’s trying to talk to you. I say this as your friend but soon I’m gonna be saying it as your Captain and I’m like okay. Fine. I guess. And then we talk and we start dating hKJFEWHJFKEWHJK it’s tender, I promise.

Also up until Pon Farr Episode shit Kirk and I have been dating on and off too (secretly) but like. I mean we both love each other but we also are both pretty obviously into Spock and it’s hard because Kirk struggles with the fact that the ship has to be his first priority so it’s not really fair to me if he dates me (I insist I don’t mind but I’m also super preoccupied thinking about Spock a lot of the time).

After Spock and I are bonded and married this becomes an OT3 situation as well because um we both love Kirk.

So hopefully some of that was intelligible KHFJFHW here is a link where you can find all the fics I posted sorted by ship!!! The OT3 is #interwoven stars, Spock and I is #across time and space, and Kirk and I is #solar flare love

https://goldenworldsabound.carrd.co/#tos

thanks for coming to my TED Talk

[crackinwise]

jac-cat replied to your post “I’m avoiding reddit like the plague because heathens on there...”

I’m so happy he’s back, it’s reignited my love for the show. I can’t wait to see what happens. To those who say it’s less sad now. Seriously go back and watch Avocato’s death scene. Then the scene when they go to avenge him and Hue plays that sad music and then tell me you don’t feel like crying! Too many shows these days kill off good characters for shock value and tears. Good characters don’t have to die for it to be sad. Geez even Game of Thrones brought a beloved character back to life.

Oh man, this is gonna be long: You’re right. It’s one of the most well done death scenes i’ve ever watched. The voice acting, the expressions, the slow-mo, the MUSIC. His son sitting there. The next ep does well to keep you hurting with Gary’s vlog, Lil Cato’s stages of grief, and watching Gary finally break down into ugly-crying after 3 days of holding it in.

Both the animation and character design lend to expressing emotions really well.

Anyway, resurrections are seriously a story staple. Especially in fantasy and sci-fi, because you can. Lookit Spock and Gandalf. Princess Bride’s Westley if you wanna do a speedrun version. Obviously you can overdo it where eventually the impact and worry becomes zero cuz everyone knows you’ll turn around and “oh wow they’re alive”. Like superhero comics, soap operas, Supernatural.

A good example of overdoing it but still hurting is SG-1. They had Daniel “die” so many times it became a meme. Like “Oh is it Friday? Daniel must be dead.” As funny as the theme was, it was the reactions of the characters around him that kept each time emotional. But when new showrunners wanted him to stay dead (it’s a whole wank-filled mess and i hope everything Joe Mallozzi eats somehow tastes like shit) fans were devastated and pissed. Besides just him being gone and the showrunners’ treatment of it, the impact was still how it affected his friends. His best friend most of all. We felt that--hard--and this time we knew it wouldn’t be okay in the third act. There’d be no finale “spacemonkey” reunion. When we won and finally got him back, it didn’t take away our hurt from before. That’ll forever be a fresh wound.

But what happens now is tricky. If Avocato was brought back just to go evil, that’ll be a lot of resentment from fans who would’ve rather kept the happy memories we have of him. If they kill him AGAIN too soon, that’s lame shock value for nothing and might be a dealbreaker even for me. You don’t bring a character fans are attached to back to be cannon fodder.

I hope he at least remembers Little Cato this season, even if he remembers nothing else. He and Gary can restart their friendship.

Eh, yes and no. Yes, him remembering Little Cato is the most important thing. But in the bad-end event his memory loss is permanent as some consequence of cheating death (like if you weren’t meant to effect the timeline past a certain point, they take away what made you you as a loophole), Lil Cato will still love unconditionally and Avocato can still love as a “new” parent. If people think Gary loves Lil Cato like a dad, Avocato can certainly at least meet that level. And they can definitely restart a friendship and have it be just as strong. Unlike with Nightfall/Quinn, he’s the same person no matter what. But the pain of knowing either or both these relationships aren’t the same and key memories from Avocato’s side are forever gone will be brutal. Gut-punch, stomach knot, one-eye-always-tearing-up brutal.

[istheresomebodywhocanimagine]

The Wrath of Mercury

anonymous said: Freddie x Trekkie!Reader (ask the Star Trek fandom if you need help, we’re nice)

(a/n: it’s been a HOT MINUTE since i’ve seen wrath of khan - which, btw, if you haven’t, WATCH IT. best ST movie imo - so excuse me if i got anything off hehe. this is kind of a short imagine for me, but i didnt want to bore anyone w the details of star trek in case they’re not a fan!!! and im tired af from work so this is the best i could do. also, gif credits to @imladrs​ tysm ily)

Freddie had never been known to let anyone deter him when he had his mind made up on something. He was stubborn, to a fault, and you appreciated him for that. It was a good quality to have in his line of work, which was cutthroat at best.

But sometimes, it really pissed you off.

“Freddie, please just watch the movie with me!” you begged, tugging on his hand as he tried to rise off the couch. He sighed and stood still, waiting for you to stop pulling on his arm.

You’d tricked him into having a movie night with you instead of going out, and you didn’t tell him that you’d be watching The Wrath of Khan until you’d already started the movie. You hadn’t seen it because you’d been on tour with him when it had been released, so you’d managed to snag a copy of it and now here you were, pleading with him to just sit down and watch it with you.

“I don’t want to watch it, Y/N, you know how much the one a few years ago bored me,” he reminded you, his eyebrow raising as you pouted at him and gave him the saddest puppy dog eyes you could manage. His cigarette hung out of his other hand loosely, almost threatening to fall as he furrowed his eyebrows at you. “Don’t give me that look, you litt-“

“Fred! Just a couple hours, that’s all I’m asking.”

He toyed with the idea, knowing that he’d never hear the end of it if he said no, but also really not wanting to watch another uninteresting movie about living spaceships and William Shatner. It was Brian’s territory, all this space stuff, and he wasn’t a fan. “Let me think about it,” he murmured, mulling over the idea as he took another drag.

But, you ended up making up his mind for him when you kissed his knuckles and then rested your head against his hand. “Fred, please,” you whined softly, pressing your cheek against the back of his hand and looking up at him through your lashes.

“Damn you,” he muttered, trying not to smile as he plopped back down on the couch and put out his cigarette in the ashtray. You were fatally adorable when you gave him that look, and you knew it. As annoyed as he was trying to act, he still wrapped his arm around you and pulled you close when you snuggled up to his side, and he rested his head on yours. “Now, is this going to be as terrible as the last one?” he asked, making you giggle.

“I don’t know, Fred,” you quickly replied, wrapping your arms around his torso and staring intently at the screen.

“Because if it is, I’m leaving, I’m just saying that now. Star Trek is Brian’s favorite, not mine,” he continued, huffing softly and appearing slightly irritated that he was actually watching this right now. “God, I bet I hate this. You really like this?”

“My friends said it was the best movie they’d seen in a while. Brian raved about it. Now hush, Fred.” Kirk was leading some trainees in a battle simulation, and you were interested to see where this movie was headed. You hadn’t heard anything about what it was like besides some friends telling you it was incredible, so you were excited to watch and hoped that Freddie would keep his mouth shut. He did, at least for a while – after a certain point, he was bound to be curious.

“Who’s that, darling?” Freddie asked when Khan appeared on screen, and you rolled your eyes and didn’t answer. As if on cue, two seconds later, Chekov said his name, and Freddie made a noise of acknowledgement as he played with the hem of your shirt absentmindedly. He hated to admit it, but this movie was already loads better than the 1979 one, and he was way more entertained than he’d expected to be.

The questions did stay to a minimum, and you didn’t say it out loud, but you knew Freddie’s feigned apathetic stance towards the movie was getting harder and harder for him to pull off. He was actually invested, and you knew it, which made you grin as you watched. His grip on your shirt got tighter as Khan fired at the Enterprise, and remained tight throughout the entirety of that scene.

“Well, I’ll be damned,” he breathed out once the Reliant retreated, looking at you. “What’s going to happen?”

You laughed and reached up to pat his cheek gently, shrugging before looking back at the screen. “I told you love, I haven’t seen this movie yet! I’m as clueless as you. Now, hush.”

He whined, clinging onto your shirt as he scooted closer. “I tell you what, stop telling me to hush. I’m a grown man.”

“And you’re talking like a child in a movie theater, dear,” you reminded him, making it his turn to pout. You laughed at the insulted look on his face, and quickly kissed him on the cheek, then turned your eyes back to the screen again. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it. You’re not like a child.”

But your words fell on deaf ears, for he was already focused on the movie again, his eyes glazed over. And now he was so into it, that he didn’t speak again until you neared the end of the Mutara Nebula battle.

“What in the bloody hell was that?!” he exclaimed, sitting upright whenever Spock nerve pinched McCoy and entered the engine room.

“Freddie, you’re spoiling it!” you laughed, pulling him back down to your level and wrapping an arm around his shoulders, then placing your hand over his mouth. “I’m going to have to pinch you like that if you don’t shut it!”

Freddie replied, but it was incoherent and muffled against your hand, so you ignored him as you both watched Spock bring the power back to function. Freddie didn’t realize just how serious that was until he realized Kirk was talking to a dying Spock, and you couldn’t help but tear up a bit at the scene. Leonard Nimoy’s character always held a special place in your heart, so logical, so cool, that you were somewhat devastated by this happening.

And you didn’t realize Freddie was too, until one of his tears hit the top of your hand during Spock’s funeral, and you looked up to see he was full on crying, just as Saavik was. “Fred,” you gasped, letting go of his mouth and staring in disbelief as he sniffled and wiped away his tears quickly, refusing to look at you.

“What? Leave me alone,” he quickly muttered, watching the screen and holding back further tears as he pretended to be unbothered. You saw the reflection of Spock’s coffin in Freddie’s watery eyes, and you smiled widely as you saw him shed another tear as it landed on Genesis. “Oh, fuck me,” he finally whispered, pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes and laying face down in your lap as you laughed in pure happiness.

“You liked it!” you cheered, running your hand over his hair and petting it gently as he laid on your lap, unmoving. “You liked it, you liked it, you bloody liked it!”

He groaned in agony as you cheered, knowing you’d been right all along, and refused to sit up as you grinned ear to ear. “Ugh, stop, fuck off and die,” was all you could get in response, and that just made you laugh harder because you knew he meant it in the most affectionate way. He pressed a quick peck of a kiss to the top of your thigh right after, confirming your assumption as his mustache scratched against your skin.

“Freddieeeee,” you drawled out in a singsong voice, crawling off the couch and kneeling in front of it. He laid there limply, his flushed face squished against the couch and dark eyes bloodshot from the crying, and the sight was enough to make your heart soften as you reached up to cup his cheek gently. “Was it good, love?” you asked, your voice softer now that you’d gotten the gloating out of your system.

“Yeah,” he croaked out, sniffling again and rubbing his eyes. “Yeah, it was really good. I quite liked it.”

The same grin reappeared on your face, and Freddie rolled his eyes as he realized you were about to cheer again. Laying on the floor next to the couch, you threw your arms up in the air in triumph. “Woo! What a rush.”

“Oh, you’re such a gracious winner, love,” Freddie grumbled, crawling off the couch to lay next to you. You scooted over, letting the gracious winner in you make space for the poor man who’d just lost face in front of you. But there was a ghost of a smile playing at Freddie’s lips, and he pressed a kiss to your shoulder before pinning you down and tickling you, laughing as you squealed and wriggled around, making futile attempts to escape his wrath. “But guess what? I’m a sore loser!

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[thewonderladie]

The Finale! Discovery spoilers below!

This is late (for me) because I just wanted to go to sleep after. So, I'm going from memory.

Saru as the de facto Captain is kind of my everything tbh. It's clear that he went through that change for this very moment. Ugh. I love the long game!

Georgiou being around just works for me. Like, the chemistry she has with everyone. The character growth!

So basically, it's a massive space battle like right off the bat. I appreciate them taking the time to show us both The Enterprise AND the Discovery as they try and survive.

Like, those ships are taking heavy damage just so NuAngel Michael can do what she needs to do. We stan!

Spock is going with Michael. Interesting. We'll talk more about this later.

So I thought Jett was going to like die handling the time crystal but nope! She's full on competent. Again, we stan! What an absolute legend!

Number One is kind of my queen and now I want more. Give me space adventures with the Pike Enterprise crew, stat!

Okay, so the suit is ready (we stan an efficient crew) and so is the crystal and the rush is on. But wait! Paul is gravely wounded! Oh no! Michael and Spock tag team to handle everything from this point on. Their running was adorable! Safe to say we kind of stan their stamina?

At some point, a bomb thing hits the Enterprise. So you know this is going to come back later.

Leland and his "army" ain't fucking around! Also Po is around and informs Pike on how to defeat the drones. GO QUEEN! DEFENDERS OF THE GALAXY UNITE!

Okay, so after forever, Michael and Spock make the jump and everyone is surrounding Michael like the important character that she is. (I'm all over the place because memory is hazy on order of events)

The siblings land on some debris and shit's not working (because of course). However, Spock gets hit with some debris. It's kind of a throwaway thing initially but...

...the siblings use their collective intellect to realize that Michael needs to recreate the signals! So while her mother was the instigator of the signals, she was the one to solidify them actually existing or whatever. Ugh. Her galactic influence!

ANYWAY, WHAT I REALLY WANTED TO TALK ABOUT WAS THE MUSIC PLAYING WHEN SHE MAKES THE JUMPS. LIKE, IM STILL SHOOK!!! WHAT A BEAUTIFUL SEQUENCE OF EVENTS AND I WILL NOT TOLERATE ANY SLANDER!

Okay now that I have that out of the way...we come back to a few things. First, Admiral Cornwall. I've been dreading this since last season tbh. But that bomb I mentioned? Yeah...Number One exhausted all options and the only way to save the rest of the Enterprise crew was for Cornwall to blow herself up inside the room. Not happy about that AT ALL. You never get to see older women in positions of power and authority actually get to use their power. Ugh. What a waste...

Second thing, Spock. We knew he couldn't make the trip because he has adventures that need playing out. Even still, the scene where the siblings realize that was like the saddest thing? Michael already lost Ash but at least she was going to have her brother. Nope. She doesn't even get that! I'm devastated.

Speaking of Ash...baby boy came through with a small but powerful Klingon Fleet along with L'Rell. Also Siranna returns with a Fleet of Ba'al/Ba'ul ships and I stan! Look at my Kelpians not being scared of SHIT!

Alright, Michael comes to the realization that she needs to make the final two signals. Sixth one will let Discovery know where she currently is. Last one will let Spock know she made it. Ugh. Poetic cinema!

I forgot to mention Paul and Hugh! Their reunion! Let me have a love that transcends death and dimensions!

Anyway, Discovery and Michael make their trip and that's it! Georgiou killed a trespassing Leland using the spore drive so I guess that's the end of that...

Next we get an epilogue of sorts featuring voice over by Spock. The survivors vow to cover up the Discovery's disappearance by saying they perished. Ugh. My heart. Spock and family vow never to speak Michael's name in the presence of others. Ugh. My heart again!

Like, this is already ridiculously long. Ash holding true to trying to destroy Section 31 from within. They made his ass the leader of it! Moving on up, baby! (What does this mean for the Section 31 show...)

I loved this season. I'm excited for season 3 because we legit have no idea! It's a brand new world, baby! Onwards!

[gaycrouton]

Devotion

Words of Love 4/27

Devotion: (noun) love, loyalty, or enthusiasm for a person, activity, or cause. [Mulder was nothing, if not devoted to his partner...which was probably why he was carrying her drunken, sleeping body right now]

Mulder never hid from the facts, even if they framed him in a less than favorable light. He was well-aware of the fact he was a man driven by obsession. For as long as he could remember, he could never just casually like something; he would become wholeheartedly devoted .

In the years prior to Samantha’s abduction, he spent his days in fanboy splendor. Each week when a new Star Trek episode came on, he would sit in front of the screen, absolutely enamored with the lavish fantasies of galaxies undiscovered. He would methodically spend the days between episodes rewriting the one he just saw. Exploring everything from the dynamics of the crew to the cultures of the creatures. He could still remember the Spock costume he spent hours creating, wearing it beyond what was deemed appropriate.

He was able to multitask though, just as many hours spent in the fantasy world, he spent an equal amount grossing over the recent baseball scores. From the major league to the local junior league, he was absolutely captivated with the performances and would spend hours recreating the games in his mind, only using the score sheet as a guide.

However, after Samantha’s abduction, his obsession moved onto finding her, and finding out what happened, almost exclusively. He knew it wasn’t healthy, but it was all he could focus on. Well, it was all he used to be able to focus on. It was an irony he was having a hard time grasping. His most recent point of focus, constantly at the forefront of his mind, was the one thing helping him to become less obsessive and compulsive. He was finally able to look at the world through more than a cryptic lens. Is this a new obsession, or is this what love is? Regardless, all he knew was that he was hopelessly devoted to Dana Katherine Scully.

The petite powerhouse came into his life six years ago and he has never been the same. Whenever he thought about the man he was before meeting her, he couldn’t help but feel a little disappointed in himself. He wouldn’t take back a moment he spent searching for Samantha, regardless of how much he had lost, because inevitably it was what led him to Scully, but his life had been so monotonous. He had been living solely for the purpose of chasing, what he now felt to be, a ghost.

He didn’t know when his life’s purpose switched from sulking in the past into investing in the future, but he knew Scully was at the heart of the change. He thinks it was when he first saw her cry after he pulled the trigger during the Modell incident. It dawned on him that, for what seemed like the first time, someone would truly be upset if he died. He didn’t mean to sound morose. He knew the Lone Gunmen and maybe even Skinner would be sad, but Scully’s life would change. She would be devastated. Since then, when he wakes up in the morning, he wants to be a better man for her. God, that sounds so cheesy.

He would do absolutely anything for her; which is probably why he was carrying a completely inebriated Scully to her apartment right now.

Scully asking him for a favor was rare. In fact, aside from this singular instance, he didn’t know if it had ever happened before. When she initially asked him, he couldn’t hide his amusement at how flustered she was about it. Her friend was getting married, and she needed a date.

“Are you asking me to go with you?” Her gaze in response to him screamed ‘tease me and you die.’

“If you aren’t busy, I would really appreciate you accompanying me.” She was trying to hide the fact she was asking him on a date under a veil of professionalism. The only signal she was nervous was the blush she couldn’t shake off her cheeks.

Deciding not to make her recant her request by teasing too much, he readily agreed, “I’d love too.” She gave him a 100 watt Scully-smile and he felt his heart hammer in his chest.

She gave Mulder the time and instructions and he spent the rest of the week fantasizing about their impending date. He knew it was a date in the platonic sense of the word, but it didn’t stop the pride that welled up in his chest every time he remembered she chose him. Scully was a very beautiful woman. He had been present to witness men flirting with her more times than we was comfortable with. He knew it would be so easy for her to ask anyone she wanted, but she wanted to spend the occasion with him.

For the first time in longer than he could remember, he fussed over his appearance. He wanted to make the most of this occasion, and he didn’t want her to regret asking him. Mulder didn’t think he was ugly by any means, he knew he was at least average and his suits were always nice and presentable, but now knowing he was about to pick up Scully, he could only focus on the crease that wouldn’t even out on his shirt and the pronounced nose that had been a grievance to him since puberty. He sighed, figuring this was the best it was going to get, and left to go pick up Scully.

When she opened the door, he was positive this had to be an elaborate plan to get him into an early grave. Mulder was not well versed in the terminologies of women’s fashion. She was wearing, what he could best explain to be, a very sexy sundress. It was a dark emerald, beautifully contrasting her hair while simultaneously highlighting her eyes. The dress plunged down her breastbone and it was near backless. The simple straps over her shoulders became an elaborate criss-cross pattern on her back, going so far down it revealed her tattoo.

Her hair was in a similar style to what she wore to work, the only difference being that she allowed her natural curls to be present instead of straightening them out. She was absolutely radiant and it made Mulder want to cry.

They spent the ceremony in comfortable companionship. Though with the added benefit of her occasional touches and hushed whispers. He was glad to know that she knew just about as many people here as he did. It was a dear friend’s wedding, but a dear friend she hadn’t seen in over a decade. So she used him to pass the time in between events. Asking him different odds and ends questions as he returned the same to her. He realized it was humorous halfway through; they could describe how each other’s moods would shift after x-amount of time in a car, how much energy one cup of coffee could provide the other, provide a detailed list of each other’s medical histories, but they didn’t know any of the basics.

While they were sitting in the pews, waiting for the bride and company to get to the chapel and for the wedding march to organize, they took turns asking each other things they didn’t know. Mulder reveled every minute of it, cherishing the new facts he learned like he cherished those baseball scores all those years ago.

Her favorite season was autumn because she loves watching the trees change colors and hearing the leaves crunch beneath her feet. She has an eclectic taste in music, but if she had to choose, her favorites would be Tori Amos and Radiohead. When she was young, she had an irrational fear of clowns. One of his favorite new tidbits of information was that when she was fifteen, Scully let a friend pierce her belly button. She was able to hide it for a year, but when her dad found out, he made her take it out. She’s always wanted to get it redone. Mulder couldn’t shake his amusement at the thought of a rebellious, teenage Scully.

He listened to her words in complete rapture as if she was reciting scripture. Each new anecdote helped him understand his enigma of a partner. He offered answers to her questions too, not wanting to be unfair, and he was flattered to see her equally as interested. It was during the reception when she took him by surprise.

He wouldn’t say Scully never drank, he definitely had seen her indulge in a glass of wine or two in the past, but never had he seen her drink to the point of slurring and stumbling. Retrospectively, it was kind of his fault. She had teased him that she could drink him under the table any day. He insisted that, even though he never drank, his body mass compared to her petite frame would make it easy for him to beat her in a drinking contest. As she sat the first pair of shots down in front of them, she reminded him she was Irish, and the rest was history.

He had to admit, the woman could drink. Every time he flicked his head back and let the amber liquid poor down his throat, it took every fiber of his pride to keep from visually wincing. She, on the other hand, took each shot like a champ, displaying no discomfort whatsoever. Initially the only sign she actually took the shot was the flush that spread across her chest.

After the sixth shot he was feeling pretty buzzed, when he turned to tell her so, he saw she was resting her head on a bended arm, giving him a lazy smile.

“I think I’m ready to concede Scully, I don’t want to let myself get too forgone.”

“I toldja I’d w-win,” she gloated, adorable hiccups breaking apart her slurs.

Mulder felt a grin spread across his face when he realized his normally-reserved Scully was absolutely drunk.

“I may have conceded, but if we evaluate who the drunker is here, I believe that would be you my dear,” he mused, earning him a girlish giggle.

“Whatever you s-say Muldy.” She raise herself from her slouch and moved to rest a hand on top of one of his own. “Muldy, will you dan-ce with me. Just this once? Pleeeassee,” she drew out the last word and jutted her bottom lip out in a pout.

He laughed at his new nickname and couldn’t say no to that face. He grasped the hand that had been clutching onto his and prompted her to stand with him. As soon as she stood up, he was supporting most of her weight. Her head rested on his chest and she swayed on unsteady feet.

“I’m not sure if dancing is in your ability range at the moment,” he laughed, relishing in the normally forbidden contact.

“That’s-s okay. We can jus’ rhythmically hug. I like this,” she disentangled her hand from his and hugged him around the middle, grinning into his torso.

“Rhythmically hug?” He laughed, but didn’t put up any resistance. He crossed his arms on her shoulder blades and rested his cheek on the crown of her head. He was enjoying the swaying even though he wasn’t sure whether it was the ‘rhythmic’ part or the hug or if it was just impossible for her to stay still.

They stayed like that for a while until he felt her drooping more and more in his grasp. Taking a glance down to look at her face, he noticed she was starting to fall asleep.

“Scully?” He nudged.

“Hmmm?”

“Let’s go outside, I’ll get us a cab so I can take you home.”

“Okie dokie Muldy.”

Now, here he was carrying a very inebriated Scully, bridal style, up to her apartment. She was out like a light as soon as they got into the cab, and it took some skill and balance to get her out without waking her up. Mulder had to admit, of all the times he’s imagined a scenario like this, she wasn’t a limp sack of potatoes in his arms. And he wasn’t taking her to bed for sleep.

It took a bit longer than usual, but he was able to unlock the apartment door, pull back the covers, remove her heels, and tuck her into bed. He didn’t know if she’d be mad that she slept in her dress, but he wasn’t going to violate her privacy by changing her.

“Goodnight, Scully,” he whispered after pressing his lips to her forehead in a gentle kiss.

As he turned to leave, he felt a small hand reach out and grab onto his fingers. Turning around he met her gaze through sleep-hung lids.

“I love you,” she sighed with a smile.

His heart jumped to his throat and he brushed some stray hair behind her ear. “I love you too Scully, and I always will.”

He left the room with a final smile that took hours to leave his face.

He couldn’t help it. When it can to Scully, he would be eternally devoted.

[thekoshertribble]

“Surely you can see that ours is a better way.” Women of Star Trek Blog Entry #13 “A Taste of Armageddon” Mea 3

Hello again, my dear readers, I’m back with my next blog entry in my series on women of Star Trek: the Original Series, and today I’ll be discussing Mea 3, from the episode “A Taste of Armageddon.” Since we don’t get much about Mea 3, I’ll be focused more on how she represents Eminian culture and the scenes she is featured in.

Mea 3 is from the Eminiar 7, a planet the Enterprise is ordered to contact in the hopes of establishing a Federation port in that strategic part of space. There’s just one problem: the Eminians don’t want any contact from the outside. They transmit code 710 to the Enterprising, telling them to under no circumstances approach them. Kirk wants to respect this order and move on, but Ambassador Fox, the Federation representative on board gives Kirk a direct order to violate the code and beam down a party. Kirk reluctantly agrees. Taking Spock and some redshirts, he beams down to the Eminian capital’s control division, where they are greeted by Mea 3 and two escorts. Their Eminian technology was somehow able to predict where the Enterprise contingent would beam down, indicating that the Eminians are very advanced technologically. Their fashion, however, leaves much to be desired.

Mea 3 is the only Eminian character who can pull off her own outfit. It’s very simple: black tights and shoes with this long, striped scarf thing wrapped around her upper body and secured with a broach. You’ve probably already noticed that Mea’s name is followed by the number 3. We learn soon enough that all Eminians have numbers instead of last name - this means they value precision and order in their society, to the point they assigned numbers to their names so as not to get people with the same names mixed up! (”Wait, do you mean Mea from work, or blonde Mea, or Mea from spin class?” There’s none of that.) They’re very efficient about stuff. 

Mea 3 leads Kirk and his crew to the Capital’s council room, while she tells them they should not have come:

MEA: You were warned not to come here.  

KIRK: I had orders to come here. Why did your people tell us to stay away?  MEA: It was for your own safety, Captain.  

KIRK: I see no danger here.  

MEA: The danger exists. Nevertheless, you are here. It would be morally incorrect to do less than extend our hospitality. 

She brings them to the Council room, and introduces them to High Counselor Anan 7. I should mention here that we don’t really know what Mea 3′s job is. Since she receives the Enterprise crew when they beam down, we might assume she’s some politician of high importance, but she doesn’t do anything once they arrive in the war room. Is she like their secretary or something? It’s a mystery.In the war room, Anan 7 echoes Mea 3′s sentiment that they should have heeded their warning. He explains that Eminiar has been engaged in a 500-year long war with it’s neighboring planet, Vendikar. The war casualties are enormous - one to three million dead each year. Coming to Eminiar therefore put the Enterprise in grave danger. Kirk and his crew are confused - the planet appeared quite peaceful when they entered orbit. They saw no signs of destruction, no signs of mass death. How could they be at war? Their questions are answered when an Vendikar launches an attack on the city. Anan 7 orders Mea 3 to “care for our guests” - honestly, what is her job, I don’t get it?? While Anan 7 and his board members work at some computer consoles, Mea 3 calmly explains the situation:

MEA: It will not last long.  

KIRK: Don't you take shelter?  

MEA: There is no shelter, Captain.  

SPOCK: Are these attacks frequent?  

MEA: Oh yes, and we will retaliate immediately.  

She shows some signs of distress when she sees one explosion hit the city’s center, but she treats the situation quite normally. She’s like a person from California explaining earthquakes to an out-of-state visitor. 

At this point Spock has figured out that there is in fact no “war” - at least, not one as they know it. The two planets are fighting a “virtual” war with computers simulating attacks and then calculated casualties. Hence, the lack of explosions, devastation and ruin. Instead, “casualties” are registered and those listed have 24 hours to report to a disintegration machine. Anan explains they’ve resorted to simulated fighting because the prolongation of the war would’ve destroyed their planets cultures and civilizations: “our people die, our culture goes on.” Unfortunately, Anan also tells Kirk that the Enterprise was targeted in the attack and therefore all on board must be disintegrated within 24 hours.

Kirk and his landing party are held prisoner in a nearby room. Mea 3 comes to see them again, saying she’s been sent to ask if they require anything. (Is she like, the public relations officer or something?) She and Kirk get into a heated conversation:

KIRK: We require a great deal. I wish to speak to Anan Seven.  

MEA: He's busy co-ordinating casualty lists.  

KIRK: He'll have more casualty lists than he knows what to do with if he doesn't get in here and talk to me.  

MEA: Don't you understand? Our duty  

KIRK: Your duty doesn't include stepping into a disintegrator and disappearing.  MEA: I'm afraid mine does, Captain. I too have been declared a casualty. I must report to a disintegrator by noon tomorrow.  

KIRK: Is that all it means to you? To report and die?  

MEA: My life is as dear to me as yours is to you, Captain.  

KIRK: Then how can you stand 

MEA: Don't you see? If I refuse to report, and others refuse, then Vendikar would have no choice but to launch real weapons. We would have to do the same to defend ourselves. More than people would die then. A whole civilization would be destroyed. Surely you can see that ours is a better way.

KIRK: No, I don't see that at all. 

MEA: It's been our way for almost five hundred years. 

I like this conversation because we get to see how real people are affected by this “simulated” war, and how they feel about it. Mea 3 is not a lemming blindly going to her death. She doesn’t want to die, but she knows that the acting in self-preservation could result in mass devastation of her people. 

She knows that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few or the one.

You didn’t think I’d go there, did you? 

After Mea 3 leaves, Kirk and the others break out of their office lobby-like prison room and to find some weapons and get their communicators back to warn their ship. While searching the vast corridors of the building they find people lining up to die in front of a disintegration machine, and who do they see going to join the line? Mea 3, of course! 

I know she’s there for plot convenience ultimately, but I think it’s interesting she’s reporting just a few hours after she was registered. This can’t be because she is eager to die - we already know she values her life - I think she had everything planned out in case this occurred. This is probably the standard in this super-orderly culture - when the chance of dying is so high, it would make sense to have a plan in mind in case one was registered. Otherwise, each time an attack occurred, thousands of people would panic and cause chaos during their last hours alive. Mea 3 probably just went home, got the note off the fridge that said, “What to do if you’ve been declared a casualty,” checked all the boxes and reported at a disintegration station. This is where Kirk and his crew stop her, much to her distress:KIRK: Mea. What do you think you're doing?  

MEA: I'm going  

KIRK: You're not going in there.  

MEA: But I must.  KIRK: No you're not.  

MEA: Please. All right, don't worry about me. 

Note that Kirk calls her Mea, not Mea 3. He sees her as a unique person, not a number on a casualty list. 

Kirk then has Spock sneak over to the station and knock out the guard. Kirk destroys the station with a stolen disruptor, resulting in an almost unintentionally humorous exchange:

MEA: What are you doing?  

KIRK: Throwing a monkey wrench into the machinery.  

MEA: You can't do this.  

KIRK: I've done it.

After destroying another station and stealing some weapons and uniforms, Kirk and crew retreat to their “prison” room to contact the ship, with Mea 3 reluctantly in tow. Once again, she objects, trying to explain herself:

MEA: Captain, you've got to let me go. My time is almost up.  

KIRK: Are you that anxious to die?  

MEA: You don't understand. 

While Spock works on signaling the ship, Kirk tries to convince Mea 3 to not only change her mind about reporting, but also to help them stop the war: 

KIRK: Mea, I want you to give me a complete layout of this building complex. How do I get to the War Room?  

MEA: No!  

KIRK: Now listen to me. I'm trying to help you. To save your life and the lives of millions like you. If you help me, maybe I can do it. If you don't, you'll die, we'll die, and the killing will go on. Or are you that fond of the war?  

MEA: What are you going to do?  

KIRK: We're going to try and stop the killing. 

At this, Mea 3 looks at him as though he’s gone insane, but she says nothing. Kirk continues, more gently this time:

KIRK: We're trying to help. Believe me.

MEA: I believe you, but

KIRK: Tell me what I want to know. Please.

I’m not really sure what made her change her mind. Maybe it was Kirk’s trademarked shoulder-grab thing he does when he’s really trying to convince someone about something. Maybe she decided to take a chance on these savages from outer space - the Eminians clearly look down on the Federation and it’s representatives as “barbarians” as Anan 7 says - and help them to save her own life, which we know she values. Either way she chooses, she figures she’ll end up dying. What does she have to lose?  Several scenes go by before we see Mea 3 again. When we do see her again, she’s still in the same room with Spock and the others. 

Spock orders Yeoman Tamura to guard Mea 3: “you stay here and prevent this young lady from immolating herself. Knock her down and sit on her if necessary.” 

That is…an oddly specific visual, Spock. 

Spock leaves Tamura to guard Mea 3 in the room, and that’s…that’s it, folks. This always felt off to me – while Kirk and Spock destroy the computers and Fox offers his services as negotiator, we sort of forget about Mea 3. You expect her to have one more conversation or encounter with the crew, to bring her part of the story to a resolute end, but we don’t get it. Maybe a scene was written but it ended up getting edited out. I just feel that something is missing. What do you think?

That’s all I have for you today. Once again, thank you reading, and I hope you like it. Please like, share, or comment below!

Next time: This Side of Paradise!

BONUS ROUND!!! (Airhorn sounds) 

That’s right! We’re not done just yet. We’ve got one more person to talk about who’s in this episode: Yeoman Tamura!

I want to talk about her because we rarely see Asian characters besides Sulu having speaking roles in the Original Series. Although she doesn’t get many speaking lines, Tamura warrants our attention because of her responsibilities. First, she is given the landing party’s tricorder, which is normally in Spock’s hands. 

Later, when the landing party escapes she’s given one of the stolen disruptors and is ordered by Spock to guard Mea 3. 

These different duties assigned to Tamura imply that she is a multi-talented and highly skilled officer. It would have been nice to see more of her in other episodes. 

[whumpfish]

Whump Challenge Day 3:

Top 3 whump scenes and why

1. Aubrey/Maturin novels, book 3 (HMS Surprise): Stephen's captivity/rescue. Stephen is a British spy in addition to his career as a naval surgeon, and in a rare lapse of caution is not only found out but captured and tortured by the enemy. He is literally put on a rack (a St Catherine's wheel iirc), beaten, fingernails pulled out. And, god. His total resignation, his ready acceptance that no one is coming for him, that this is just an occupational hazard. Stephen is a little like Spock at times, like you look at his dead calm in the face of something horrifying because logic and go "...HOW?" And you are so, so attached to him at this point. He's seemingly callous outwardly but actually very sweet once he's bonded with people, quietly intelligent, socially awkward af, a total n00b re: anything nautical (and the question he asks trying to learn have a charming innocence to them), just generally a gruff cinnamon roll that Jack and the crew in general will fight and die to defend. And he is a wreck when they finally get to him, nearly dead. Everyone is freaked out, Jack climbs up there to cut him down, and the only thing Stephen can get out is a weak "handsomely, Jack" -- his equivalent of "catch me." He cannot move, every touch hurts, but you can feel the surprise-relief-affection as his best friend and a small horde of battle-hardened sailors suddenly become carers. (Also he and Jack had had a HUGE fight the book before that almost ended their friendship and it just gives you such warm fuzzies when they're back to calling each other "brother" again.)

2. Speaking of Spock... Star Trek II. A lot of the same friendship/loyalty elements of HMS Surprise, without the happy ending. It combines physical and emotional agony in a terrific conflict of affection, necessity and priority.

Spock in pain is a bit like Stephen in pain, like that's our cinnamon roll right there. And the helplessness and desperation coming off of Jim mixes with that in a painfully sweet (sweetly painful?) way, even with a touch of guilt because Jim has got to be saying to himself "holy shit I probably shouldn't have poked that bear." And I don't care what anyone says, I appreciated the hell out of the role reversal in Into Darkness.

3. M*A*S*H season 8 episode 22 (Charles's dream)

This episode features a look into the major characters' PTSD dreams, and while the whole thing has some solid emotional whump, Charles's dream is the one that rips out your heart and soul and drop-kicks it into the sun. While many of the others experience the war leaking into their civilian lives (Margaret's wedding dress is suddenly drenched in blood, Hawk finds himself on a lake flooded with amputated parts, a ballroom fades gradually into the OR as BJ dances with his wife), Charles himself is what's suddenly different, suddenly wrong. He's dressed in a clown outfit, mute as a mime, walking through a hospital from surgery to surgery. Standing over one maimed body, he pulls an endless string of scarves from his sleeve, looking around at everyone present, even the patient, as if looking for approval. No one reacts. He moves on to the next patient. He pulls flowers from a hat, and is met with indifference again. He moves on, and the scene repeats. As he goes from patient to open, bleeding patient, he becomes increasingly, visibly distressed at the ineffectiveness of his magic tricks until finally he wakes up.

Unlike our friends from my first two picks, Charles is downright unbearable most if the time. He's snobby, condescending, and rude. His bedside manner is shitty. He openly disdains almost everyone, and doesn't seem to care if anyone dislikes him too. And he never shuts up. Particularly about his oh so superior surgical skills. And seeing this dream, you realize two things. First, that Charles doesn't have a civilian life. Everything he does, says and is outside his Boston hospital is superficial. Country club, board functions, society events, none of it really means anything. He has things he's passionate about--opera, classical music--but he's entirely in the consumer role where they're concerned. He can't produce it himself, can't interact closely with it. He's the Super Special Amazing Harvard Graduate Rising Star Surgeon, and that's the sum total of his existence. And in the face of the neverending stream of wounded, this job that never ends, that you get no attention for and can't be promoted out of, that now means nothing. Second, that he actually is cognizant of the human suffering around him. His Boston Brahmin superiority complex annoys the piss out of everyone, but it also effectively insulates him from the pain that comes with genuine empathy. And he clings to it aggressively because be doesn't know how to be part of a team and it's the only coping mechanidm he's got. It doesn't excuse it, but it does make that helplessness and hurt that has gotten through stand out more, seem all the more devastating on the few occasions you get to see it. (You get to see it like. Three times. In his whole tenure.)

See y'all tomorrow

[homosexualspock]

TOS Tag Game

tagged by @1shirt2shirtredshirtdeadshirt thank you so much!! <3 i looooove talking about TOS and i have some Things. To. Say. The rules (as i understand them lol) are to answer 5 questions asked by the person who tagged you and then ask 5 questions to the people you tag! Since there were only 2 questions asked i’m gonna answer 3 from the previous ones ;)

1. Which is the most defining moment for Spock and Jim as couple, in your opinion? One which left you most shaken?

This is a super hard question because every single moment between Jim and Spock as a couple leaves me Shook but here we go

For me there are a couple of defining moments: of course the “this simple feeling” moment from TMP for obvious reasons, Amok Time (again. obvious reasons), but I also think a moment that less people think about is from This Side of Paradise; Spock was given the chance to live in a complete Utopia in complete happiness and acceptance, something he even mentions he’s never felt before. Yes, I’m 1000% aware that this utopia was an effect of the drug-like spores and the positive feelings came from being drugged, but Spock willingly left that behind to stay with Jim. He gave up complete emotional bliss (however fabricated it might be) to stay loyal to the man he would die for. We know that Jim would do anything and give up everything for Spock, and in this episode we truly understand that Spock would absolutely do the same for Jim. I think that that moment not only showcases Spock’s devotion to the one he’s in love with, but also his devotion to his most beloved friend. 

I think the moment that left me (literally) on the floor with Feelings was the “you almost make me believe in luck/you almost make me believe in miracles” moment on the bridge lol

2. What is the most disappointing thing about TOS for you?

TBH I think the character work could have been wayyyy better!!!!!!!! Like obviously we’re given Enough to appreciate the primary characters, but I wanna know MORE about Tarsus IV and Spock’s childhood and the bridge crew’s academy days and HOW they decided to join Starfleet and UGH!! I feel like there was such a missed opportunity there!!! Most if not all of the episodes are incredibly situational which works for, like, a fun tv show based on lessons and political commentary and everything, but I really wish there was more character background.

3. Which section of Enterprise are you most curious to see which was never filmed?

LET ME SEE THE DAMN OBSERVATION DECK FOR GOODNESS SAKE!!!

4. What was the defining episode that you watched that made you go: Yup. I am 100% on board for this.

Honestly. Tbh. In my honest opinion... The Naked Time (or Charlie X tbh)

5. What. The fuck. Happened in the story between Season 3 and The Motion Picture. Seriously. What happened between Jim and Spock.

OKAY. HERE’S WHAT I THINK.

Spock and Jim are in a relationship aboard the Enterprise before the five-year mission ends. Jim has never been happier and neither has Spock, but Spock is afraid of just how much he cares for and loves Jim. He’s scared of his feelings and how he can’t control them around Jim and how Jim brings out this very un-Vulcan-like side of him that he’s unable to deal with; he thinks he can’t be what Jim needs because he can’t be a human, he can’t express his feelings like Jim can. Cue “The Talk” they have concerning their relationship once the five-year mission ends; Jim wants Spock to stay with him and Spock tells Jim that he is returning to Vulcan to undergo Kohlinar. CUE TERRIBLE FIGHT WHERE THERE IS ANGER AND CRYING AND HEARTBREAK AND SPOCK LEAVING JIM (Skinny Love by Birdy literally makes me cry every single time because it is the Perfect song that I imagine playing in the background of their Fight. like they’re going back and forth and Jim is crying and there’s yelling and this song just encompasses the vulnerability and Pain that they’re both going through in that moment and the desperation from Jim that they stay together and make it through this). They’re both DEVASTATED, of course, and Jim accepts admiralty because he can’t be in space without Spock, he can’t go where no man has gone before without his best friend and soulmate. And Spock attempts to purge his emotions because a life without Jim is too painful for him to bear.

A very rudimentary description of what I think happened but there you have it.

**My questions now!**

1. Who’s your favorite “villain” from TOS and why? How would you have defeated them?

2. What’s your opinion on the Prime Directive and how flexible do you think it is?

3. Which planet from the series was your favorite to visit and which one do you wish you knew more about?

4. Obligatory “favorite Jim/Spock moment”? :)

5. Do you think Sarek is a bad/good father, why/why not?

tagging: @federations @spockt @greenjimkirk @warpfactornonsense @zetomato and anyone else who wants to! <3

[calliecat93]

ST: TNG S5 Watchthrough Episodes 2-5

Darmok: AKA, The Arena 2.0. Albeit the only similarity is that the captain and an alien get transported onto a barren planet with the Enterprise struggling to save him. While Kirk and the Gorn got forced by a God entity to fight, Picard and the other being, Dathon, look like they’re going to… but in actuality, they have a much more diplomatic interaction. There’s also a unique issue: the language barrier. The Tamarians essentially speak in metaphors that no one can understand, which with Picard missing… well it’s causing issues for The Enterprise who are about ready to go into battle. If we're gonna repeat episode ideas, I think that this is a good way to do it. Use a similar set-up, but do something different. In this case, Picard makes an effort to figure the Tamarian language out, at least enough to allow some form of communication. Like when Picard talks to Dathon after he’s been injured to learn more about him? That was a nice scene. Showing one trying to understand the other despite the obvious communication issues, and it is this effort and understanding that ultimately allows Picard to save the day before bloodshed can occur between the two sides. It was hard to keep up with at points because I could not at all understand what The Tamarians were saying and I’m far too slow to pick it up like Picard did. There’s a small, petty part of me bummed about having no people in cheap lizard costumes, but it was still a good episode. Certainly a much calmer one than Redemption which offers a nice cool-down from the premiere. It’s not as exciting as The Arena, but still a nice change of pace… but seriously, bring back the Gorn one day ST, and you better use the cheap costumes if you do! 3.5/5.

Ensign Ro: Alright, I’ve heard some about this one and I know that The Bajorans are gonna be a bigger deal in DS9. So Ensign Ro has been assigned to the Enterprise… but no one’s really happy about it as she had both been court-martialed and only recently released from prison. But they need her as the Bajorans are rebelling against The Cardassian Empire, yep those guys from The Wounded are back again. The treaty allows the Federation o act on behalf of the Bajorans, but that does nothing to ease the tensions between Ro and the Enterprise staff. So… one, Riker is an asshole in this episode. I mean making Ro take off her earring due to Starfleet uniform code… despite Worf being able to wear his sash (IDK the official name of it) that is clearly signifying his Klingon heritage and Troi having three regular outfits that she switches between, none of which are the standard uniform. Is it a seniority thing? Yeah IDK what that scene was about except as a tension builder, but way to be a hypocritical asshole Riker. But to be fair, Ro isn’t exactly the nicest person either. She’s very cynical, anti-social, aloof, and brutally honest, a huge contrast to the usually hopeful, optimistic cast. But as the episode goes on and when Guinan starts talking to her, it becomes clear why she is the way that she is. We learn about the horrors that the Bajorans have endured due to the Cardassians, Ro being used by an asshole admiral to give weapons to terrorists, and how it all caused Ro to feel ashamed of her own heritage and her struggle to settle it even after realizing that she shouldn’t feel that way. Needless to say, Ro has some pretty good reasons to be as she is, and she ultimately was trying to help her people and broke the admiral's orders when she found out that things weren’t on the level. Ro’s a really interesting character and I’m glad that Picard came around to her and allowed her to stay on the Enterprise, even allowing her to wear her Bajoran earring again. Hopefully, everyone else comes around as well. But yeah,t his was good! A good female character, the introduction of the conflict between the Bajorans and Cardassians, and an overall good plot. Again, I hate how much of an ass Riker and some of the others were to Ro with none of them ever asking her side of how she got court-martialed, but still, it was good~! 4/5.

Silicon Avatar: You all remember The Crystalline Entity? The one from Datalore? The being that killed a whole bunch of people because of Lore and would have killed everyone on the Enterprise had Lore not been beamed into space? Yep, they never actually defeated the thing so… it’s back. After it ravages a colony (thankfully all but two citizens survive), the Enterprise calls in Dr. Marr, who has studied the Entity, to help… but she has her own personal intentions for studying it. She is mean to Data, but it’s less because he’s an android and more because of his connection to Lore though she does loosen up fairly quickly. This is very much a revenge tale. Marr lost her son to the Crystalline Entity, and she has been trying to find him. way to kill it once and for all. We’ve seen this kind of story before, but hey that doesn’t mean it can’t be good, and bringing the Crystalline Entity isn’t a bad idea either. The sadness of Marr is done we'll and when Data read back a journal entry of her son’s in his voice... God that was just sad. Then... let’s talk about the moral debate. Marr wants to kill the Entity due to the devastation it keeps causing and to avenge her son… but Picard wants to try and communicate with it. Now I do understand what they’re trying to do and to an extent, I agree with it. The Entity may very well just be some kind of mindless animal just doing what it has to do to survive. Or it may indeed have its own thoughts and consciousness. Maybe it doens’t even realize the horrors it causes or the difference between right and wrong. If they could communicate, maybe they could understand it more and find a way to resolve the matter and stop the devastation peacefully. I certainly see what Picard is getting at… it’s just that along with no one considering that plan back in Datalore, the Entity IS still causing countless deaths and if Picard is wrong, they may very well die. But Marr takes matters into her hands, thus meaning that we’ll never know and that may be the true tragedy of the episode. Was Marr right to do what she did? It’s certainly hard to blame her, but she also cost what could have been valuable progress and knowledge. Either way, she was a heartbroken mother who wanted to avenge her son, and it only lead to a sad life that her son would have never wanted her to have. She accomplished her goal… but what now? The moral debate could have been handled better, but still a fine episode. 3/5.

Disaster: They were on-point with that title, though ‘Utter Insanity’ would have also been acceptable. So let’s just run down the list. The Enterprise has a power failure and it results in multiple insane scenarios. Picard is both injured and stuck with children on the Turbolift, Worf is stuck in Ten-Forward with a pregnant Keiko giivng birth, Crusher and Goerdi are stuck in cargo, Riker and Data try to get to Engineeirng, an Troi is stuck in Command as the only senior officer still alive on the Bridge. Yeah, it’s a wild episode. I really like the idea though. It’s essentially a Bottle Episode, but still uses various sets and uses the power outage plot to create a lot of chaotic scenarios. Most of them are really good. I liked Picard with the kids, which is as awkward as you’d expect it to be (albiet he’s over his asshole phase so it’s not as bad but still awkward) and, dare I say it, really cute! Worf having to play midwife was hilarious. I feel bad for poor Keiko, but still hilarious. The Data/Riker and Crusher/Geordi plots were also pretty nice. The only plot that I felt wasn’t that great was the Troi plot. Honestly… she shouldn’t have been given command, senority or not. She’s a counselor/psychologist, not a commanding officer. I’d have just had Ro and O’Brein stuck together and forced to take command of the Bridge. Not only were their interactions actually pretty interesitng to watch, but they clealry knew what they were doing faaaaar better than Troi did. I get they were trying to show her out of her element and apparently they do take this and use it as character development later from what I read, and her choosing not to seperate the ship incase others are alive even though it could lead to more death is very much IC for her. But it makes Troi, Ro, and O’Brien all look like idiots for putting Troi in a position thats she is unqualified for with her not at all arguign against this and the other two not pointing it out either even when she outright says that she doesn’t know certian protocals. Heck if they wanted to keep Troi on the Brdge, have Ro and O’Brein bickering Spock/McCoy style (which the they did a FAR better job emulaitng that here than when they tried with Pulaski and Data) and Troi playing peacemaker and putitng her counsling skills to good use. That’s right folks… Troi could have been Captain Kirk for a day XD That aside, I really enjoyed this! I liked seeing everyone out of their element, they made effective use of a power outage plot, and while no means perfect it was still fun~! Oh and O’Brein and Keiko have a baby girl now, yay~!!! 4/5.

Alright, we’re off to a decent start. So next round we have Wesley returning… but far more importantly, SPOCK IS COMING BACK FOR A TWO-PARTER! I’M SO EXCITED~!!! But for now, five episode down, 21 to go.

[thesoundofnat]

Take This Sinking Ship part 2

Tony, Jim

Summary: Tony deals with finding out that he’s woken up in the 23rd century by seeking out Jim.

Warnings: Death mention, mention of past alcohol abuse, anxiety attacks

[Part 1] [Part 3] [Part 4]

[Read it on AO3]

Words: 1 672

Tony had been on the Enterprise for two days before Bones allowed him to leave Medbay. The shock had left both his body and mind in shambles, and he’d been ordered to rest rest rest while they tried to find someone he could talk to. A futuristic therapist. If Tony wasn’t so devastated he might’ve found it funny.

“Rhodey is dead,” was the first thing he’d said once the bomb had been dropped. “He’s been dead for more than two centuries.”

Bones and Jim had obviously not known what to say to that, so Tony had decided to fill the silence himself.

“Pepper is dead. Steve is dead. Happy, Peter, Romanoff, Barton. Hell, maybe even Thor is dead.” He hadn’t continued rambling up names after that, because he could say the name of literally any person he’d ever met and they would for certain be dead, so he’d seen no point in it.

Bones had given him a calming liquid using the hypospray after that, and he’d fallen asleep not long after.

They had given him a room until they could figure out what the hell to do with him, and Tony had locked himself in there without a word. They had left him alone and left food at his door like a prisoner, and hadn’t forced him to come out until now.

“Come on, I think it will do you good,” Jim - the freaking captain of the starship - said from behind the door. Tony was glaring a hole in it, but he reckoned it was of little effect if Jim couldn’t see it.

“Will people gape at me like some sort of prehistoric animal?”

“I’ll make sure they won’t.”

But the fleeting looks and overly bright smiles were almost worse, but Tony couldn’t say he hadn’t been curious about the rest of the ship and its residents. This was a tech nerd’s wet dream, after all. Only now he wasn’t sure if the dream had been worth it.

“This is the Bridge crew,” Jim was saying as they entered the, well, Bridge. “This is where we steer the ship and take calls and all that good stuff.” Tony still had a hard time believing Jim Kirk was the one to steer this ship. “This is Uhura, Sulu, Chekov.”

Tony shook the hands of everyone he was introduced to, happy to see that at least one thing remained the same. Spock, a Vulcan apparently, was watching him way more intently than what would be considered normal, and Tony asked Jim about it once they’d left the Bridge.

“He’s like that. Don’t pay him any mind.”

But they would soon find out why he’d been the subject of such a thorough examination when Spock informed them both that he’d found Tony’s files and had therefore discovered who he’d once been.

“A superhero who was lost in battle. His body was never found,” Jim was repeating to Bones later that day. “That’s why I recognized the name. You’re something of a legend.”

Tony snorted. “This is some Captain America shit.”

“I’ve heard of him. Realizing who you are has made all kinds of memories return.”

“I never gave him enough credit for how well he’d handled all of this when he was going through it.” He swallowed the lump in his throat. “Are there any records of other cases like this?”

“A couple. Most of them are failed ones.”

“Failed?”

“Lots of people tried to preserve their bodies when things on Earth started becoming rocky and science was evolving. They wanted to be alive to see what would happen with the world.”

“We had originally thought you were one of the few successful cases,” Bones added. “But we figured out quickly that you had no idea what had happened.”

Tony remembered slightly more than he was telling them, but thinking back on it had thrown him into an anxiety attack the previous night, so he refused to linger on it. Refused to think of how he launched himself into the ocean just like Steve had and jumped out of his suit so that it could explode without his body in it to dampen the impact. He kind of didn’t want to know how that battle had ended for everyone else.

But he also kind of did.

“Tell me about Starfleet,” he said.

Jim leaned closer to him across the table. “What do you want to know?”

“Everything.”

And everything was what he was told.

***

“You got anything to drink?”

Jim didn’t seem overly surprised at the request, though Tony could tell he hadn’t expected him to seek him out this late in the evening. Tony had memorized few of the places that he’d been shown of the Enterprise, but Jim and Bones’ respective quarters were two of them.

“What you want?”

“What do you guys have in this century?”

“When it comes to hard liquor it’s pretty much the same, from what I can tell. I don’t tend to touch alien booze.”

Jim had a whole cabinet filled with bottles hidden behind a wall. Tony almost wished he could’ve had something like that in his younger days, just for the hell of it. He could imagine Howard yelling at him for the uncreative use of a hiding spot, or Rhodey giving him a disappointed look, or Pepper sighing or Steve frowning. Maybe it was a good thing he’d kept his previous addiction public. At least it wouldn’t surprise anyone.

“I haven’t had a drink in years,” he said as Jim handed him a glass. “Wait. I mean, back in my days. I hadn’t had a drink in at least five years.”

“How come?” Jim asked, pouring himself a glass.

Tony moved the glass in circles, watching the liquid and ice cubes swirl around. “Alcohol hadn’t done me much good in the last- well, ever. But especially the last ten or so years.” He smiled sadly. “I had a tendency to abuse it.”

He could tell Jim regretted giving him that glass now, but he merely pushed it to the middle of the table, leaving a wet trail behind. “You can take it and I wouldn’t put up a fight. I would like to believe I’m not that person anymore.”

Jim didn’t reach for it. “I have a feeling you need it,” he concluded. “At least to help you sleep.”

“How did you know?”

Jim breathed out a laugh. “I’ve seen those eyebags and bloodshot eyes before. Mostly in a mirror.”

Tony hummed and brought the drink to his lips, tasting the fiery sweetness. The burning in his throat was unfamiliar and familiar at the same time.

“I can’t imagine being in your position,” Jim told him. “So I won’t judge if you decide to down this whole bottle by yourself.”

“It’ll be your job to stop me if I do.”

Jim smiled, hugely and brightly. It was enough to make Tony shed another layer of the wall he’d put between himself and this brand new world.

“I’ll do my best,” he said, holding out his glass so that they could toast and drink and drink again.

Tony allowed himself to examine Jim properly now that the booze was working its magic. He was younger than him - obviously - but something in his face told Tony that he’d been through a lot already. He was fit enough to be able to beat Tony in combat, and his eyes were big and blue and so captivating that Tony wouldn’t be surprised if people swooned over him daily. He was like some futuristic Captain America, Tony realized with an ache. Saving the universe with those baby blues and having troubles that no one thought to ever address.

He was handsome.

“What?” Jim asked when Tony had stared for longer than socially accepted.

He shrugged. “I’m more than 200 years older than you. And here I thought Steve and Barnes were old.”

Jim fiddled with his glass. “How old were you when you, uh, disappeared?”

“48. It probably means I’m much closer to 300 than 200, but I don’t want to think about that.”

“Sorry.”

“Not your fault.” Tony took a sip. His glass was almost empty. “I sometimes wonder if I would’ve prefered to just die. Despite the trauma I can’t help but marvel at what I’m seeing now. Maybe I stayed alive purely for this.” Another sip, but his tongue merely met ice. “You know, Steve had to go to the funeral of his old girlfriend, or whatever they were. My godmother, who was already on her deathbed by the time they found him. I’m not sure if that helped him get closure or if it was just an unnecessary wound they added to his injury.”

Jim listened to him without interrupting. He’d emptied his glass as well.

“I want to ask what happened to them all, after I disappeared.”

“But?”

Tony leaned back in his chair. “But I’m not sure I’ll like the answer.”

“You don’t have to find out.”

“I do. You know I do. Whatever happens next, people are gonna dig out the files and find the year and date of it all and everything’s gonna spread around until it gets back to me. Might as well hear it from you.”

Jim didn’t ask how he knew that his files had been read. “You want to hear it all now?”

“No time like the present.”

“You saved them all, Tony.”

Tony froze, not even daring to breathe as he waited for Jim to continue.

“Thanks to you, the threat was eliminated just before it was about to wipe out your teammates and then take over the world. Your sacrifice stopped it before it could even try.”

Tony exhaled slowly, loudly. “W-what?”

“You saved humanity. We literally wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for you.”

Tony had never thought that those words combined with a bit of alcohol would make him burst into tears in the arms of Jim Kirk, but they did, and he barely had any space left to feel ashamed for it.