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dirk-has-rabies · 4 years ago

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Gender variance and it's link with neurodivergency

Okay so this is it going to be another long one

All quotes will be sourced with a link to the scientific journal I took it from

Okay Tumblr, let's talk gender (I know, your favorite topic) my preface on why this topic matters to me is: I'm autistic ( diagnosed moderate to severe autism) I'm nonbinary trans ( in a way that most non-autistic people don't understand and actually look down on) and I went to college for gender study ( Mostly for intersex studies but a lot of my research was around non-binary and trans identities) I will be using the term autism as pants when I have experience with however when ADHD is part of the study I will use ND which stands for neurodivergent and yes this is going to be about xenogenders and neopronouns.

autism can affect gender the same way autism can affect literally every part of an identity. a big thing about having autism is the fact that it completely can change how you view personhood and time and object permanence and gender and literally all types of socially constructed ideas. let me also say hear that just because Society creates and enforces an idea does it mean that it doesn't exist to all people it just me that there is no nature law saying that it's real and the “rules” for these ideas can change and delete and create as time and Society evolves and changes. gender is one of those constructs.

Now I'll take it by you reading this you know what transgender people are (if you don't understand what a trans person is send me an ask and I'll type you up a pretty little essay lmao, or Google it but that's a scary thought sense literally any Source or website can come up on Google including biased websites so be careful I guess LOL) anyway to be super basic trans people are anyone who doesn't identify as the gender they were assigned at Birth (yes that includes non-binary people I could do a whole nother essay about that shit how y'all keep spreading trying to separate non-binary people from the trans umbrella) some people don't like to use the label and that is totally fine by the way.

now autistic people to view the world in a way differently than allistic (neurotypical) ppl do. we don't take everything people teach us at 100% fact and we tend to question everything and demand proof and evidence for things before we can set it as a fact in our brains. This leads to why a lot of autistic people are atheist (although a lot of religions and this is not bashing on religious people at all I am actually a Jewish convert) this questioning leads to a lot of social constructs being ignored or not understood At All by a lot of autistic people and personally I think that's a good thing. allistics take everything their parents and teachers and schools teach them as fact until someone else says something and then they pick which ones to believe. autistic people study and research and learn about a topic before forming an opinion and while this may lead to them studying and believing very biased material and spitting it out as fact it can also lead them to try and Discover it is real by themselves.

because of this autistic people are more question their gender or not fall in a binary way at all as the concept of gender makes no sense to a lot of us. “ if gender is a construct then autistic people who are less aware of social norms are less likely to develop a typical gender identity”

no really look: “ children and teens with autism spectrum disorder ASD or Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder ADHD are much more likely to express a wish to be the opposite sex compared with their typical developing peers” That was posted in 2014. we have been saying this stuff forever but no one wants to listen. the thing is gender variance (being not cisgender or at least questioning it) has always been closely hand-in-hand with autistic and ADHD people I'm even the doctor who did that study understood right away that it all made sense the whole time: “ Dr. Strang said they were initially surprised to find an overrepresentation of gender variance among children with ADHD. However, they later realized that prior studies have shown increased levels of disruptive behavior and other behavioral problems among young people with gender variance” SEE YOURE NOT WEIRD YOURE JUST YOU AND YOURE NOT ALONE IN THIS!!

5% autistic people who did the study were trans or questioning. it was also equal between the Sexes fun fact. that may not seem like a lot till you realize that the national average is only .7% that's literally over 700% higher than the national average. That's so many! and that's just in America.

in Holland there was a study in 2010 “ nearly 8% of the more than 200 Children and adolescents referred to a clinic for gender dysphoria also came up positive on a assessment for ASD” they weren't even testing for ADHD so the numbers could be even higher!

now I want to talk about a certain section of the trans umbrella that a lot of autistic people fall under called the non-binary umbrella. non-binary means anything that isn't just male or just female. it is not one third gender and non-binary doesn't mean that you don't have a gender. just clearing that up since cis people keep spreading that. non-binary is an umbrella term for any of the infinite genders you could use or create. now this is where I'm going to lose a bunch of you and that's okay because you don't have to understand our brains or emotions To respect us as real people. not many allistics can understand how we see and think and relate to things and that's okay you don't have to understand everything but just reading about this could be so much closer to respecting us for Who We Are from you've ever been and that's better than being against us just for existing.

now you might have heard of my Mutual Lars who was harassed by transmeds for using the term Autigender (I was going to link them but if it gets traction I don't want them to get any hate) since a lot of people roll their eyes at that and treated them disgustingly for using a term that 100% applied correctly. Autigender is described as " a neurogender which can only be understood in the context of being autistic or when one's autism greatly affects one's gender or how one experiences gender. Autigender is not autism as a gender, but rather is a gender that is so heavily influenced by autism that one's autism and one's experience of gender cannot be unlinked.” Now tell me that doesn't sound a lot like this entire essay I've been working on with full sources…..

xenogenders and neopronouns are a big argument point on whether or not people “believe” in non binary genders but a big part of those genders is that they originated from ND communities and are ways that we can try to describe what gender means us in a way that cis or even allistic trans people just can't comprehend or ever understand. Same with MOGAI genders or sexualities. A lot of these are created as a way to somehow describe an indescribable relationship with gender that is so personal you really cant explain it to anyone who isnt literally the same as you.

Even in studies done with trans autistic people a large amount of them dont even fall on a yes or no of having a gender at all and fall in some weird inbetween where you KINDA have a gender but its not a gender in the sense that others say it is but its also too much of a gender so say youre agender. And this is the kind of stuff that confuses allistic trans people and makes them think nonbinary genders are making stuff up for attention, which isnt true at all we just cant explain what it feels like to BE a trans autistic person to anyone who doesnt ALREADY know how it feels.

In this study out of the ppl questioned almost HALF of the autistic trans individuals had a “Sense of identity revolving around interests” meaning their gender and identity was more based off what they liked rather than boy or girl. That makes ppl with stuff like vampgender or pupgender make a lot more sense now doesnt it? We see that even in the study: “My sense of identity is fluid, just as my sense of gender is fluid […] The only constant identity that runs through my life as a thread is ‘dancer.’ This is more important to me than gender, name or any other identifying features… even more important than mother. I wouldn't admit that in the NT world as when I have, I have been corrected (after all Mother is supposed to be my primary identification, right?!) but I feel that I can admit that here. (Taylor)” and an agreement from another saying “Mine is Artist. Thank you, Taylor. (Jessie)” now dont you think if they grew up with terms like artistgender or dancergender they would just YOINK those up right away????

In fact “An absence of a sense of gender or being unsure of how their gender should “feel” was another common report” because as ive said before in this post AUTISTIC PEOPLE DONT SEE GENDER THE WAY ALLISTIC PEOPLE SEE IT. therefore we wont use the same terms or have the same identities nor could we explain it to anyone who doesnt already understand or question the same way! Participants even offered up quotes such as “As a child and even now, I don't ‘feel’ like a gender, I feel like myself and for the most part I am constantly trying to figure out what that means for me (Betty)” and also “I don't feel like a particular gender I'm not even sure what a gender should feel like (Helen)”

Now i know this isnt going to change everyones minds on this stuff but i can only hope that it at least helped people feel like theyre not broken and not alone in their feelings about this. You dont have to follow allistic rules. You dont have to stop searching inside for who you really wanna be. And you dont have to pick or choose terms forever because just as you grow and evolve so may your terms. Its okay to not know what or who you are and its okay to identify as nonhuman things or as your interests because what you love and what you do is a big part of who you are and shapes you everyday. Its not a bad thing! Just please everyone, treat ppl with respect and if you dont understand something that doesnt make it bad or wrong it just means its not for you. And thats okay.

#autism #actuallyautistic #trans #nonbinary #xenogenders #neopronouns #lgbtq #adhd #nuerodivergent #gender identity

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tonyglowheart · 4 years ago

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Idk who to talk to about this but last year I came across a white couple that got married as Wangxian and am kind of dreading people getting married as bride!XL (I mean I don’t think I’m comfortable with it even when they’re cosplaying the character’s Period but I’m trying(maybe failing) to be generous) bc it’s specifically CHN marriage tradition. Knowing how people can love EAsian media yet be racist towards us anyway, the growing global sinophobia just makes this feel worse. Am I overreacting?

Hi anon!

I don’t necessarily think you’re overreacting because your personal sore points are informed by your specific life experiences and the kinds of racism and microaggressions you’ve encountered and grown weary and leery of. I know I have points where I react to/against, that doesn’t affect everyone, and may not even affect a majority. At the very least, there’s reasons why I shy away from engaging with fic and specific fandoms in certain spaces, that I know are valid for me, and may be discussed as far as how it parallels or plays into wider trends, but that that doesn’t necessarily mean it translates to blanket prohibitions or guidelines or such.

From what you’ve described to me, I think I’d be wary of it, but not altogether against it? I think if someone is doing a cosplay wedding.... that’s kind of whatever to me. When something becomes a media franchise like that, I kind of feel like that kind of thing is going to happen. It may not be perfectly equitable as far as like playing into issues of Orientalism and colonialism/postcolonialism/neocolonialism go, but also from a more personally pragmatic point, there’s only so many fucks I have to give, and there’s things that, if for no other reason than personal sanity, I have learned and am letting to let go. We can’t redo the history of the world so as to completely erase or eradicate Western colonization or the structures and patterns laid out in history for neocolonialism.

Another thing I have to grapple with, is that we/I shouldn’t turn our ire to the individual. On an individual level, the specific person isn’t enacting systemic inequality, even if their actions play into it. The best we can hope for, if we have the energy and means, is to reach out and try to connect with people and explain our perspective and our history, to see if we can connect with them in such a way that they understand what we’re saying and where we’re coming from. That’s not something that can be forced or brute-forced.

The bride!XL matter... yeah is more of a sticking point - although to me, bride!XL’s costume is still a costume, its patterns and motifs are slightly atypical for your traditional bridal attire. I do also want to kind of point out that the “traditional” Chinese wedding attire tends to be based off a Qing dynasty style and design, which has a further internal complexity of it being “Chinese,” but not being traditional Han ethnic clothing and rather based more on Manchu traditions. Similar to the topics ppl grapple with regarding the qipao/cheongsam, and part of the reason for the hanfu revival movement.

For me personally, I find it... unideal for people to be dressing up in a “costume” for marriage, especially when it DOES tie into the culture, but at the same time I feel like if people are going out of their way to dress as bride!XL (and not just “oh I found this “bridal costume” and thought it would be cute”), then that means Xie Lian and TianGuan means something to them. Watching wedding dress shows, the whole Western tradition of white or close-to-white gowns IS very strong, if not with the bridal party then with the families, so poteeentially for them to break from that, hopefully to me means that it DOES mean something to them, even if it may not be what I or we want it to. I think for me, if people were co-opting marriage traditions or customs in an uniformed matter, I’d be more tilted about it lmao, but that’s me and my comfort level.

I feel you tho on racism and sinophobia and people who will consume EAsian media but still be racist towards people. I think that’s a valid point of contention. I think you see it played out in the greater fandom :/ Not, tho, always in every case that’s popped up as a “racism” issue. But I do think it’s there, and I think some of the recent discourse on racism in fandom - which was prevalent what feels like a year ago but was actually a couple months - also has roots in real issues and trends.

Hrmm tl;dr tho? I think you’re valid and not necessarily overreacting, because there IS a lot of history and honestly, contemporary actions and trends, which make that uncomfortable and possibly even damaging. But at the same time.... I think generally on a fandom level, these individual situations are somewhat inevitable especially for larger-reaching fandoms (as far as like the fandom bell curve goes), and aren’t necessarily single-handedly enacting and enforcing all of those bevvy of -isms. And even then, as an individual, we can’t stop other people from making the decisions they make and doing the things they do with their own lives. The topic is complicated bc we have the the confluence of fandom competing needs and racial/social justice competing needs which is, you know, complicated by additional swathes of intersectional identities and issues.

I’m sorry I don’t really have an easy answer for you or any kind of reassurance or anything. But I don’t necessarily think you’re discomfort is invalid, but at the same time I think it’s a good opportunity to try to reflect on it, interrogate what might be some more extreme impulses you might have as far as reacting or responding, and practice self-care where you can as far as curating your experience to be as harm-free for yourself as you can and focus as much as you can on the aspects you can control instead of remaining in the agonizing of the factors that are outside of your control. Because as much as it might gall me, there ARE factors I cannot personally control or influence, and that can even include people who are, on paper, in my immediate sphere of influence. If they don’t want to listen to me or find other competing needs more compelling, I can try to reach out and explain where I’m coming from all I want, but I can’t force anyone to reciprocate or honestly, even listen. So instead of focusing my energy onto the minds I can’t change, I think in the long run it’s more productive and more enjoyable to focus on the things I CAN affect. And on some things, I find I’ve had a better/more enjoyable time blacklisting instead of focusing overly on the factors outside of my control and trying to force things outside of my control to somehow happen anyway.

Now of course, it’s easy for me to SAY that now lmao. I mean, I know I’m not without flaws or salt. My saltmines run deep and my wounds remain rather sensitive and not yet numbed by time and my salt does indeed runneth over, maybe more often than ppl who aren’t me and who are following my blog for specific things would rather. And I don’t have it in me to always be magnanimous or extend people good faith without a second thought, especially if it’s something that hits a trigger. But idk, psychologically speaking, and even just from a personal level, it’s not helpful to me or even potentially to others to be so focused on things I can’t control or influence and to like be stuck in suffering so much. We only have so many hours and so many brain cells to devote to things.

...I literally have no clue how to wrap this up oh god. uhhh real tl;dr ig: anon I think you’re valid, but also like... from my personal experience... I’m suffering either way so for me I’m like. might as well learn to let it go so I’m not actively suffering over this particular thing and either free up braincells to try to building towards thriving or so I can suffer about things that are due to “me” reasons, or short of that, I do not see.meme it so at least I’m not being actively triggered by it (I think this is more where I’m at right now,,,, lmao,,, F). Ur valid tho, I know the struggle of “am I the one being issues” but that ALSO becomes stifling (or it did for me), when I felt like I had to shut up and behave so as to not ruffle Westerner feelings. But also suffering is rough and I encourage you, for your own peace of mind, to explore ways to lessen your suffering, bc that shit is rough.

#dsknf me struggling so hard with a conclusion after all of this #not to be that ''is a mess but as soon as someone comes to me for advice I'm Aristotle'' but-#fandom and racism #also not the way my tldr was not in fact a tldr 😩#long post #Anonymous #asks answered

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fairycosmos · 5 years ago

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does being good at math mean you are smart? sometimes i think im smart because of that but other times i think i am a complete moron. I don’t know what to believe. I cannot trust my own mind. how is what i think valid or credible in any shape or form. this just gives me so much anxiety, that i cannot even trust that my own thoughts are objective enough, i just have to accept that they are even when i know i will never be certain of the truth. what is your take on this?

hey bro i think……there are a million different ways to be smart, for real. and i know we’re raised in an educational system that has ruined learning by imposing grades and inducing anxiety to stress young ppl into producing the ‘results’ they need, but i’d suggest trying to take a step back from those toxic/unnecessary ideas when possible….. being good at maths is great, as it shows a strong capability to problem solve and compartmentalize. but it’d be ok if you weren’t. it wouldn’t mean anything about who you are. look, there’s emotional intelligence, creative intelligence, existential intelligence, interpersonal intelligence…..and so much more beyond that. to me, this sounds like an issue with your confidence and your self perception more than anything else. it seems like you don’t think you deserve to be listened to unless you’re 100% right about everything, which isn’t possible for anyone. like i said before, this anxiety is ingrained into us from a young age, but i think it’d be more effective to try and tackle that, rather than trying not to fuck up 24/7 and berating yourself when you do :( because that just leads to a cycle of self hatred and emotional turmoil. you really deserve better than that, dont you think? ik this is a stressful idea, but i’d really recommend talking to a counselor or a professional about this if it’s having an impact on your mental well being. maybe someone at school, or your doctor/parents could refer you to a service in your community? you need to learn how to let yourself be, how to identify self hating thoughts that are only there because you’ve been taught for so long that these are the standards you must meet. once you start challenging them, and implementing healthy coping mechanisms to deal with the anxiety when you feel like you’ve made a mistake, then you’ll notice a massive difference…..just takes time and concentrated effort. i get that it’s a lot to think about, but please dont write it off completely. it’s alright to talk about this sort of thing, and biting the bullet and going for it is the scariest part. you’re not alone. look, you’re a human, so of course you’re going to act like one. i think most ppl have moments where they think they’re the dumbest person on the planet, especially when we’re young. it’s humbling, it’s how we grow and learn right from wrong. if you thought you were smart all the time, your ignorance would probably prevent you from actually being so. if you think you’re dumb all the time, your sensitivity and inaccurate self judgement is probably warping your reality a little. the majority fall somewhere in the middle, in my experience. also, sure there’s an objective truth, but it will always be slightly marred by your own perception when it comes to your own life, it’s like that for everyone. we don’t all register things in an identical manner, even if we’re looking at the same thing. and that doesn’t mean anyones an idiot, it’s a matter of our individual brains working uniquely as they should. honestly seems like reality is a lot less defined than we’re led to believe. so it’s a GOOD thing to question what you think you know bc that means you’re open to learning more and changing your view point as you gather new info, which is to me a sign that you’re hungry for knowledge. you dont have to be certain of anything, really. you just have to try your best. if you fall flat on your face, you will survive it. you will get up knowing better. but anyway above all, i think it’s important to know that your existence and worth as human being truly doesn’t hinge on whether or not you can prove yourself through being the smartest person in the room. i understand striving for a certain academic caliber, and to an extent it’s not an unhealthy goal, but imo it’s better to prioritize being the best type of person you can be. there are likely so many wonderful attributes about yourself that you don’t even see because you’re so stressed abt what you’re bringing to the table on an intellectual level. but the ppl that love you and the ppl that will love you in the future don’t see that alone when they look at you, you know? goddd this got long sorry, but i understand being insecure abt this sort of issue. it occupies a lot of my mind, too. and i’m shit at maths lmfao! but yeah dude, you’re not what you think you are and you don’t have to be so afraid. it may take months or years to really learn or internalize that, and that’s alright. getting to a place where you’re comfortable in your own skin is a long process for most. but you’re on the right path if you’re trying every day to be a bit more gentle with yourself, even when you feel dumb. if you want to talk more abt this i’ll be here, but until then please take care and feel free to put down this weight you’re carrying, even just sometimes, even just to rest.

#anon #being smart.....it's never been me. but it's not going to dictate my whole life anymore

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pettrichore · 5 years ago

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so.. i’m not quite sure how to begin this. i guess i really just need to get something out there regarding my past relationship (well relationships kinda?) and my gender and sexual identity. this is something i need to get off my chest i think and something that, hopefully, will help someone else out?? at least to not make the mistake i made/could have made. i know many people have similar experiences, so i’m not alone in this but.. yeah anyway. everything under the cut

some cw before hand: misgendering, deadnaming, possibly some dubious ???? things around sex ??? done to me (idk how to class it but i just wasnt comfortable w it) though i DO NOT go into any detail. most of this shit i discuss is very vague in how i talk about it but it is mentioned.

so for the past year about i was in a relationship with this guy. we’ll call him A for convenience sake. before we ever really started dating i came out to A though.... honestly not fully. i just said i was nonbinary and that i dont like being called a girl etc etc. i never REALLY went into how i kinda??? am but really i identify as a guy. i prefer male pronouns etc etc. we spent that night crying together and even after i thought things were good, we hit another rocky patch at the start of our relationship where he didn’t know WHAT to do. after that though it was pretty smooth sailing. A kinda... idk like he would sometimes make shit more awkward than it had to be???? lots of “idk what to call you in this situation” but he TRIED and for that i was grateful. i lied to my friends, and yall im sorry but mostly im sorry to myself, and said yeah no!! he treats me like a boy/like i should be treated etc etc. but this man is STRAIGHT and.... yeah. idk im also sorry to him a bit because i didnt just.. tell him hey no this isnt going to work. clearly you dont like guys like that. im a GUY no matter how i look or what i let other ppl call me bc im not OUT out. but i let this shit happen.

i was thrilled that when i wanted to cut my hair short and shit he was excited and said i’d look great. i was thrilled about a lot of things. i think shit started out okay though i shouldnt have started a relationship with someone who was so out of his own depth and who... wasnt going to be able to love and respect me like i needed. anyway shit continued though and i stopped trying to correct him with any female pronouns or whatever. i... kinda gave into that side of things. it’s not that i DONT like putting on makeup. it’s not that i dont sometimes actually love how i look (i’ve come more to terms with my looks actually) idk im not really gender conforming anyway so yeah.. but i REALLY gave in. when talking to him i even referred to myself as a girl and so on to which he was surprised and i tried to act nonchalant about. i was just really doing myself a disservice. god i even like... cut myself off from my own friends which.. that’s a whole other thing but at that point i had NO ONE who would call me by my NAME not my dead name. who would love and respect me for me. and when i came back to it god it was so fucking refreshing to hear it.

i apologize if some of this shit seems a bit all over the place. anyway so not only was i fucking myself over and hurting myself but... he honestly didnt.. idk A was kinda a shithead with things!! ngl!!! im still furious that i was like.. okay you can call me THIS nickname and this nickname ONLY. bc it was comfortable enough and wasnt my full deadname yknow?? and at first it was cool but.. he refuses to do that now!! and i just never had the energy to argue with him because i would look like the bad guy. i always looked like the bad guy when i expressed that something made me upset (and that’s a whole other topic of why it’s sooo fucking good i got my heart broken and im no longer dating him.. god he wanted to get MARRIED yall i could have been SO trapped in something SO bad) anyway the thing that pisses me off the most about the name thing though is that he doesnt like his full first name. like he just doesnt like it. and like wants to be called by a nickname. so fine yes god i respect that and call him as such. but why does HE get the respect of a nickname he’s fine with and I do not???? makes NO fucking sense right??

i dont really know where i’m going with this anymore.. anyway i kinda just convinced myself that things would be fine. that i was faking it. that i WAS cis. that i was 1000% okay with all of this!! that if i just got used to it i could love it. that if he touched me in ways i didnt fully like or if he called me things that i didnt like either that.. i would get used to it. that it would be good!! we could be happy!!! honestly i did this with everything in our relationship. be it the small disagreements, the sex, or whatever. ugh.. i was so wrong i was so fucking.. in my own head about it. convinced that like.. NO ONE will love me how i want. no one will see me as i am. so i’ll take this one slight (not at all) victory. i’ll take the fact that i’m loved here and pretty happy for the most part and i’ll run with it. because how WILL i meet someone who likes me like i want and need??? i CANNOT come out. i cant go on dating apps with my actual gender. i cant just.. do any of that. and i met him. he was okay with some shit and he loved me and i loved him and yknow what i’ve GOTTA take it and run. i’m still scared i’ll never really be loved like i should. this is the SECOND time i started a relationship with a probably/def straight guy and came out. first time it was okay but i didnt really like him. he is ?? bi ??? now idk. and then he like misgendered me the second we broke up so lol.

anyway this doesnt have a happy ending (yet) but i hope it will... and even if it doesnt i hope that if someone reads this and they’re in a similar situation that ur honest with yourself and your partner or whoever. i cant say i wont be an idiot again but i really hope not. this whole experience was much longer and much harder on me than the first guy i dated for like a few weeks in high school. i never want to go through this again.. but yeah i mean i’m still so fucking scared. i’m fine being single for now. i also wont just jump into a relationship anymore but... honestly i do want to be loved. i want to be loved the way i should be. i want someone who will accept me not being OUT out. someone who will love the way i look even if it doesnt look like a guy or someone super androgynous. and someone who will call me danny. who will refer to me by the right pronouns and such. idk who that’ll be or when i’ll meet that person but god.. i need it. i need to stop falling for straight boys lol

#misgendering #deadnaming #idk how to tag this #speaks #vent #personal #it's fine to rp/like this!#really just me talking about shit in my relationship and how it #yeah was really bad

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yasumi222 · 6 years ago

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KILLING STALKING ANALYSIS :D PART UNO

Ayz, u ppl r so nice, luvz :D

And I was thinking for some days already, about that bizarre plotline in the recent chapters, so I came up with theory – or more likely a perspective. I love Killing Stalking – but only psychological aspect of it – the part of investigation is… bad. Real bad. Still, plot holes are there to stick a finger in them. And I have a lot blabbering to do, so I suppose I won’t post it all at once XD Still, I’ll make kinda tl;dr to maybe at least announce what I have in mind and we will see how it goes.

So tl;dr – last chapters are (not 100% aware) Sangwoo suicide attempt, he did not “murder” Chief Kwak, he has inner demon fight – inside his head - Seungbae is something – and I will call it a villain.

And for the beginning – I’ll start with the analyse – what made Sangwoo to be in the situation he is right now, and why he called it upon himself. I’m saying that right now XD ill divide part one in two parts, because it will be long ass shit, and I will be crazy surprised if someone read one part in one go.

I will go for the more juicy plot holes later, after I make a point in that suicide of Sangwoo matter – because – in my opinion it is the opus magnum of that story.

PART I – SANGWOO CHARACTER ANALYSIS

Let’s start with Sangwoo. Within chapters in S3 its vivid that he cares no more about his wellbeing, he is not scared of death – he is scared of one particular way of dying – the painful one. Risky way of driving, talking about his crimes out loud, lack of joy in the thing that should provide some sort of warmness inside his broken heart.

I think Sangwoo after such traumas is divided between two personalities. Either it is some strange dissociative identity disorder, where the split is not fully achieved, but its present, or its very severe case of borderline disorder. Either way - I will assume – that indeed – inside his head lives two characters, which are fighting over leadership. And one of them is 90% of the time victorious. Let’s call him KILLER – that crazy, murderous personality, without empathy, full of himself – absolute and terrible monster. That “Killer” is the one who has hallucinations about his mother, that “Killer” believes he killed not only a mother, but a father too. That “KILLER” was created the day – when his mother put a knife in her throat, and is surviving till today. And that KILLER is the schizophrenic one – who hears bangs on the door, who reacts with aggression with every hallucination that appear. I’m pretty convinced that the first killings from Sangwoo – were not committed with the full sanity of the act. They were not accident, of course, but he was killing over and over his mother - then his mind needed to accustom to such horrific act. And the KILLER matured. Killings were most probably soothing shattered mind, he killed hallucination after hallucination – letting himself for a moment of peace – in such horrific manner.

And Bum was the one, who managed to snap the KILLER out of his mania – with very simple words. I love you. Because if mother of the KILLER was indeed loving him, even after rape, she wouldn’t die. She wouldn’t get the knife inside her throat. She wouldn’t reject him in such disgusting act. She hated him so much, she preferred death over letting herself love him. She would be still alive, alas KILLER wouldn’t be born.

And the KILLER stops. Bum survives.

But stopping the KILLER is way different story than overcoming him. He is pushing every way possible – to force Bum to hate him – testing him, trying him – and still like a child, who kicks his dog – he still expect that the dog will come back – lick his face, wiggle tail in happiness. It’s not logical. But Sangwoo expect absolute love – even in the face of true terror.

Maybe because he regrets, he didn’t show his love to his mother – even during the most disgusting act – because he loved her unconditionally, and maybe – maybe if he didn’t complain – she would not reject him.

And KILLER is angry when Bum rejects him. But then, try after try, when our fucked up in the head Bum manage to still show his attachment to Sangwoo – the KILLER starts to shine less, and something old – something long forgotten is starting to look at Bum with different eyes. The moment of Bum attempted suicide is crucial moment, when the KILLER is for the moment gone. Hidden. Bum is trying to get rid of himself – not because he do not love Sangwoo – but because Sangwoo is not loving him. And Sangwoo see for the first time – himself in small figure of Bum, he sees that rejected, scared boy, who cries his out eyes, and who is ready to give up his life – not for him, but as an act of rejection of the world without him. Sangwoo for the first time believes Bum – because there is no lie in the blood. There is no lie in the tears.

Sangwoo hurt him. And he is aware of that.

And that Sangwoo – of that moment – is the man who will sustain on doing any harm to his beloved Bum. That is the second persona, who will lose again and again in the battle with the KILLER. But it’s the persona that I love. The persona who tries, and tries. But that persona needs help, needs constant sustain, needs the directions – to learn again how to behave, how to notice others. When I’m in pain – for example – having an headache – I’m really focused about my wellbeing. It’s easier to get upset over someone, because during pain I’m more self-centered. And Sangwoo agony is going on and on and on and on, without any pauses. And him trying to see through his trauma other person is almost impossible – and yet – he tries. Not as a hero, he won’t get any applause for doing that. And – even during tries – he is fully aware he will fail. Again. And again. Victory was never an option.

And we can all agree – KILLING STALKING – shouldn’t have a happy ending. And there was never an intention of getting one - as Koogi showed us. Sangwoo is suicidal. He was, he is and he will be. But there was one thing – the most painful death – that he feared with all his mind, wholesome of his heart. The lonely, painful death. And it was a curse placed upon him. The dagger poking his neck. And he was well aware it will never go away. Then – he asked the only person – which reached his softer, calmer persona for one thing. To die with him. To be with him – even in the most scary moment – to be with him – and in that way – even if he was devoured alive but monsters, drenched in the well, crushed to the bones – he would not die the most painful way. He needed Bum to protect him from alone, dark and scary death. And in that way he would – no matter what – be protected from the curse, that his mother placed upon him.

Still – the perspective of death was not so… vivid back then. It was in front of him, but not clear, close but not too close yet. They were drown in the ceremony of their own bonding, their honeymoon before actual wedding. And I truly believe – he wanted to cherish those moment, but his broken mind was not able to fulfill any boxes of happiness. Dysphoria. Sangwoo lost an ability to feel actual happiness, but still – seeing such joy in the eyes of Bum – forced his own mind to borrow a little of that light. And that was the moment I truly loved Bum. That was his strength that Sangwoo lacked, the ability to still light that fire. Joy. Happiness. Love.

But I can only imagine what an actual feeling that was for Sangwoo. The realization of the hollowness of your own being.

And he was shattering.

And I’d like to think that – the murder of the lady during ski trip – was an actual parallel to the first time – when Sangwoo killed someone. Haunted with the pictures of his mother, with trembling hands, and tears in his eyes – it was not a KILLER who killed her. It wasn’t thought through, it wasn’t calm and ironic. It was madness, absolutely terrifying madness.

And Sangwoo ran. Shattering more and more of the defenses he set years ago. He was naked in his own filthy, murderous self, in his own disgusting, horrid trauma, and drowned in the fear of dying – most painful, most painful, most painful… way…

And he ran to Bum. He cried next to Bum. Even if he didn’t expect him to answer, his presence was his safe place. He believed he won’t be rejected, or maybe at least hoped so. Even if he expected silence – it was the first time – when he – in very clumsy way – reached to Bum for help. Dependence was set hard in the stone. For the first time – Sangwoo was really vulnerable – and in the future – that vulnerability will only grow stronger.

Thank you if you reached the bottom of that mindsea :) I hope, even if it’s some rambling of anon in the internet – maybe a tiny bit of it was entertaining for you; as it is part one ill try to post second asap :D even if only for myself :’D cheers!

#killing stalking #sangwoo #Ilovesangwoo #verylongasspost #analyse #ilovemydogandisayhitohim #ks #ks spoilers #oh sangwoo

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blackwoolncrown · 6 years ago

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IDing as ‘queer’ is fundamentally an ID of difference. You are saying you stray from the norm. And joining a safe space to bond over that is valuable because it offers you support where others have acted harmful towards you for not conforming to that norm.

So first of all, anyone saying they are part of the queer community is invoking this otherness, and this bond of ‘I too am misunderstood or shunned for nonconforming’.

Cool? Cool.

So to turn around and say to people who don’t want non-LGBT people in LGBT spaces ‘oh-ho so you’re saying you have to be oppressed to be queer?’ like it’s some gotcha is fucking insane. Straight up.

First of all, YOU said that, when you demanded acceptance into a group made to protect and uplift ppl who are misunderstood and attacked for their gender and sexuality.

Second of all, this idea that the history of oppression conveniently has ~nothing to do~ with what qualifies LGBTness is highly suspect and mirrors colonizer attitudes. Funny that someone who doesn’t live with a certain kind of oppression gets to decide how relevant that oppression is to an identity.

Funny, because that is literally invalidating LGBT people’s experiences. Saying the history of oppression and need for access to specific support and resources shouldn’t have anything to do with who is in the community is completely disrespectful, invalidating and dehumanizing and I’ve seen too many other aces totally content with cosigning this behavior.

Third of all, that this discourse has gotten so far where we have non-LGBT aces leveraging queer acceptance AGAINST people MORE vulnerable to transphobia and homophobia than them is an intolerable inversion of logic and a total failure to understand intersectionality.

Just like a black woman’s experience of oppression is multiplied by the intersections of sexism and racism in a way that no white woman nor black man can say they intimately understand, so too do the intersections of external oppressions increase the vulnerability and complexity of experience in regards to a given issue a person deals with.

Someone who is ‘queer’ because they are aro ace alone does not experience the world the way someone who is queer because they’re wlw and/or trans or the way someone who has to deal with being misgendered or someone who has to hope the government sees them as human and is demeaned in society for not living up to gender expectation and is vulnerable to violence if people find out who they date.

Literally, the fewer facets of your bodily experience are vulnerable to oppression, the fewer things you have to look out for every day. The fewer funny glances, disconcerting stares, disappointing interviews, scary walks home, etc you deal with.

That I have had multiple discussions with other aces who think that our saying that oppression does, actually, have something to do with who is in a community made to support those who go unsupported is some sort of backwards intellectual failure and moral inconsistency is, even for me, so absurd it’s impossible to word. That we have people who don’t experience a kind of oppression that I *do* telling me that doesn’t mean anything is familiar in the worst way. I know what oppression smells like, I’ve smelled it more than you.

It is awfully convenient that the specific type of experiences y’all don’t go through are the ones you say shouldn’t matter when it comes to what being LGBT means.

It’s really fucked up, if you ask me. I hadn’t really wanted to get into it, I felt like it would hash out, but it’s really gotten so far out of hand.

People are literally saying our experiences don’t matter...and y’all think that’s cool? That’s y’alls discourse?

This is why the overuse of ‘queer’ was a mistake. Everyone wants to be queer until it’s time to talk about why the community was needed- NEEDED, this is not a fandom!!- in the first place.

If you’ve never been the victim of the shit we go through don’t you ever sit up here and tell us it has nothing to do with who we are.

The more vulnerable you are, the more protection you need. Point fucking blank. Gay, Lesbian, Bi, Trans, and NB people will always be more vulnerable to oppression as long as society is homophobic, transphobic, heteronormative, etc. They are always going to be more relevant than someone who does not experience these issues. Their voice will always deserve to be lifted higher, they will always be more centrai to the issue.

If you experience something less (or not at all!! at fucking all!) you’re less educated on the issue. End of story. A white person cannot school me on what is or isn’t part of the Black Experience. Someone who doesn’t have a personal experience of being targeted for being LGBT can’t deign to talk down to someone who has in their own community.

Y’all know so little. Be glad.

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herefortheace · 6 years ago

Text

Masterpost: People in “Ace Discourse” DO Hate Aces and Aros

And it’s despicable and scary and it needs to stop.

I’ve made most of this post before, but I’m creating a new one because 1) I didn’t expect how long it would get and failed to include a by now much needed “read more” at any point and 2) tumblr won’t let me update the old post anymore via reblogging.

So before I copy the old links and add new ones, a not so brief explanation of why this is necessary.

People, for some reason, after years of blatant evidence to the contrary still claim “ace discourse” has NOTHING to do with anyone hating aces and aros, that not even a single person involved (or anywhere) does. By blatant evidence for people here hating aces and aros, I mean everything from pathologizing our identities to comparing us all to violent misogynists and white supremacists to wishing harm and death on us. Yet the anti-ace/aro crowd will claim we’re just making it all up because we’re hysterical liars who “wanna be oppressed”. It’s a blatant and nasty silencing tactic, but sadly not ineffective because people fall for that shit.

Which is why I originally made this post and am now making it again.

A too influential bunch of people on this site have spun a wild narrative wherein aces and aros are this super privileged group of people who essentially can’t be harmed and whom it’s therefore funny to treat like shit. They also act, over and over, as though asexuality and aromanticsm are some sort of evil idoelogy rather than minority orientations.

A lot of us - most of us I see around - belong to various oppressed groups, but the anti-ace/aro crowd has worked hard to erase that, because it becomes very obvious very fast that it’s not funny to sexualize aces and aros or compare us to Trump or claim our orientations give us an “oppression fetish” when you keep in mind who exactly they are saying it to (I’ve spoken at length about the anti-ace/aro crowd’s efforts to erase aces and aros of color and how they make me furious as a WoC here, but you’ll find plenty proof among the links below). This is not just incredible bullshit, but harms especially the most marginalized of us.

As does the more general willingness of the anti-ace/aro crowd to throw misogyny, racism, ableism and all sorts of bigotry around as a weapon against us. A ton of the links here contain some seriously dehumanizing shit.

Whatever else you may believe, asexuality and aromanticism as identities do not confer any social privilege and do not make people impervious to or deserving of harm. And frankly I should not need to say this.

But apparently I do, and I also (after all this time still) need to prove we’re not just making it all up for attention or to trick people, so here we go. I’m mostly copying the old parts (1-8) of the list as-is because I don’t have time for anything else. Also, while my point definitely isn’t that every single person involved loathes aces and aros, this crap didn’t suddenly come into an already existing “ace discourse” (by that name) either - it’s a huge part of how it got started and was a deliberate move by many to make it gain traction.

This is by no means a complete list, but the shit the anti-ace/aro crowd on this site has pulled includes:

Comparing aces and aros to Trump (and pretending this is funny)

Comparing aces to Pence

Comparing aces to Ronald Reagan (and pretending this is funny)

Comparing aces to a literal slave owner

Making fun of aces not being accepted by their parents and of aces finding this upsetting (making it into a crytyping “joke”)

Making aces feel shitty/shaming them for telling their parents they’re ace because it’s supposedly “unnecessary”

Saying if we tell family about being ace, it’s no wonder if they send us to therapy

Doing their best to sexualize the orientations of aces, in so many cases. The link before these two is also connected to that. They treat our orientations like (graphic) details about “our sex lives”, frequently acting like if we want to talk about them ever we’re gross/creepy

This one is also “nice” re sexualizing aces (one of many examples of ppl also engaging in sex-shaming while they’re at it, saying only one’s partner should know anything about one’s “relationships with sex”. Except this person goes kinda even further)

More sexualization, when I say this freaks me out as a WoC, I’m told this white person gives no fucks and wants me to be miserable

Another person who says the identities of aces but also of aros need to stay between them and their Partners because they’re “TMI” and inherently sex-shaming somehow

Oh yeah did I mention, much the same with sexualizing aros and ppl frequently link our identities to misogyny and to using people while they’re at it

Making light and fun of ace WoC asking to not be sexualized because don’t we know aces have done Bad things and so we deserve it/don’t get to complain

One of many examples of white people who hate aces+aros talking over PoC and trying to erase us from our communities (+usually when we call that shit out they don’t care. This is actually one of the more cordial responses I’ve come across despite the lack of apology lol.

Another example of white ppl in the anti-ace/aro crowd talking over aces and aros of color here complete with that person condescendingly lecturing a PoC about racism

People like this saying outright they hate aces

Saying sex ed shouldn’t teach about asexuality

Outright stating they think being ace/aro gives people privilege (because supposedly aces+aros both benefit from conservatives pushing for abstinence)

Outright invalidating the identities of aces (who don’t have the attitude towards sex they think they should have)

Calling asexuals demons

Outright calling aces and aros a “plague” and saying aces/aros regardless of other identities all need to be kicked out of the LGBT+ community.

Erasing the identities of people who speak out against anti-ace/aro shit to declare them “straight” or “cishet” …or saying that treatment is what they get for being “traitors to their own community”

Ignoring the boundaries of aces/aros who have them blocked and don’t want to be vagued to make fun of them …

…or even to continue sexualizing them after they have made it very clear that shit freaks them out (cheerfully doing this to a WoC)

Someone saying asexuality does not exist and “encourages slut shaming”

Spamming the ace positivity tag with vile hate (ppl have talked a lot about how this harms and endangers especially mentally ill ppl)

“aces are embarassing“ in the positivity tag

Posting nsfw content in the ace positivity tag and being completely unapologetic, apparently using the reasoning that our identities are inherently nsfw anyway (see the “TMI discourse” aka people sexualizing our identities)

Calling aces and aros a “sexuality fandom” while pretending we’re a group full of people with every privilege imaginable, bored of being accepted by everyone and of having no Actual Problems in our lives. This kind of nasty erasure constantly goes on and is a big tactic in this mess tbh

Wanting aces to be “exterminated”. For good measure putting this in the ace positivity tag

This disgusting vile shit that I don’t even know how to sum up but it includes wishing death on someone

Talking about wanting aces/aros dead after somehow misunderstanding(?) a post that was very clearly not about asexuality or aromanticism

Graphically telling aces to die

Specifically telling ace kids to kill themselves

Did I mention that many people in this mess have wished death on aces and aros and that they often put it in positivity tags. Some of the most messed up shit I’ve seen is missing because I didn’t reblog/respond to it at the time or can’t find it right now

And I know anons don’t count as hard “proof” for anything but have the less graphic one of the death/rape threats I got in my inbox for speaking out against anti-ace/aro shit (still kinda eerily detailed though. Not linking the other one because it is extremely graphic)

Part 2:

Comparing aces to a literal white supremacist (in the positivity tag)

Again someone invalidating the identities of aces who don’t have the attitude towards sex they think they should have

Sexualizing aros again, not caring about how it affects particularly aro PoC. And here two other ppl sexualizing and demonizing aros, like in posts further above claiming (non-ace) aros just use people for sex (said on positivity post).

Someone sexualizing aces again and engaging in sex-shaming at the same time, as usual with the claim that literally no one but a partner “needs” to know our orientations

Those Rachel Dolezal comparisons I mentioned made by non-black/white people who want to use antiblackness for what they call “ace discourse”? Yeah here is one white person doing it and here is another, even worse example where a white person goes “this is like if I pulled a Rachel D. and put on blackface and used the n-word…” (paraphrasing here). Here is the latter person utterly dismissing me being upset by their antiblackness (because black ppl’s pain only matters when it’s useful)

[For ppl who don’t know: Rachel Dolezal is a white woman who pretended to be black and built her career on it. White people sure as hell do not get to compare this shit to anything that is not antiblackness and use black people’s pain for their own purposes.]

A white person using antiblackness as a weapon against aces and aros in general (aka “ace tumblr”), acting smug regarding how supposedly we’re all so racist and “get triggered” by black people existing. (I am so tired of white ppl using racism as a cheap “gotcha” against aces and aros - groups which include PoC. And who then ignore or belittle PoC who call them out)

White person randomly informing WoC aces/aros can have white privilege

Again someone claiming ace privilege exists and here another person doing it adding to the post further above, claiming aces/aros have privilege for being ace/aro and that this is the case bc people who don’t have sex are privileged (wrong definition of asexuality… also of aromanticism??… and also no. No.)

What I mentioned about ppl telling us asexuality/aromanticism are not orientations but only ever modifiers? It’s happened a lot but here’s one example. And here’s someone outright saying aro aces don’t have an orientation but only modifiers.

Here’s the same person who said aro aces don’t have an orientation later turning around saying the orientation of aro aces is determined by how they behave and who they have sex with.

Another person putting nsfw shit in the ace positivity tag (link is to nsfw text)

And people try really hard to justify despising aces and aros by pointing to shitty people who share our identities/orientations. Honesty is secondary in this. Here you have someone taking a shitty post from an obvious nasty troll blog to say this is why ppl hate aces, and later when having the troll thing pointed out to them saying they already know. The post got over 3k notes.

“asexual shouldn’t even be a way people identify themselves”, with a second person in the thread agreeing

Part 3:

Someone saying they hope all aces “get checked out by a doctor” first (holy shit)

Saying asexuality is not a sexuality aka more invalidation like in posts further above

Someone calling aces a “turbo virgin club”, then declaring if an ace gets upset about it this shows their immense privilege

I’m 96% sure this is a troll and/or worse but here’s someone using absolute bullshit reasoning to claim asexuality is an inherently racist/antiblack identity (…on a black person’s post)

Speaking of racism, someone claiming vile crap and utter bullshit about aces including that we are all white

Once again a white person trying to use (extremely vile) antiblackness for so called “ace discourse”

Another incident of a blatant troll post getting nearly 3k notes because people wanted to use it to demonstrate how horrible aces/aros are, since we supposedly made up the fake slur “arobot”. Explanation in link, but basically no, “we” didn’t, it was an ancient pretty blatant troll post.

Again someone linking aromanticism to misogyny and to using people for sex

Someone in our positivity tags basically claiming aces and aros in relationships are selfish leeches who demand things but don’t give anything back. Talking as if we don’t deserve “time, effort, attention and love” and as though people in relationships with us are to be pitied

People spamming the ace positivity tag with nasty negativity and hate (once again)

Someone repeatedly wishing rape and like so often death on aces and aros (among other things) in our positivity tags. This person also put nsfw content there and spammed the tags

Again someone specifically wanting ace kids dead, talking in the positivity tag about hoping they get hit by a bus

After someone in this thread talks about the worry of being sexually assaulted for being ace, a person responds with the vilest victim-blaming, claiming shit like “it is easy to learn how to defend yourself“ and worse that I don’t want to put here. If you want details check the link

A number of screenshots of extremely vile posts, out of which two older ones weren’t listed here before: one is about wanting aces/aros to have “full blown panic attacks” and “cry themselves to sleep” over being marginalized/erased by society;

the other utterly disgustingly talks about wanting aces/aros to face torture and medical experimentation and death (the person brings in concentration camps)

This anon was also among the screenshots just now: extremely graphic torture and death threat I got from someone because they hate all us “ ~uwu~pure~smol~aceys~”. There’s wanting to peel the skin off my body as well as gun violence and sentiments that echo the post above

Since we’re already talking anons, somewhat graphic rape/death threat I got in my inbox, this time using the “dare I say meme” that is frequently employed to shit on aces and aros (still leaving out the most disgustingly graphic threat I’ve received bc I don’t want to link it)

Part 4:

“I would actually fucking slaughter aces if I could“

Listen this crap is terrifying and at this point I’m just tired. I could add the same sort of shit to this list over and over. Yet there’s still a huge crowd here denying any of this is happening, who’ll come to posts about ppl hating aces and aros to declare that no one does and we’re all just making it up or too clueless to understand what’s Really Being Said, because that’s how they like to paint aces and aros and anyone who supports us. It’s unbelievable and so so horrible and draining.

It needs to stop. I hate putting this negative crap on ppl’s dash but what’s going on is just so harmful and there’s not much else to do about it I can think of. Aside from people condescendingly explaining to us all the time none of this is happening (or outright calling us liars the moment we don’t put the links directly on a post and claiming we’re making this all up to make other aces/aros feel unsafe holy shit), I’ve also had ppl come to this very post (the original version) saying it’s just “mean words on the Internet” so I shouldn’t talk about -isms here and ppl literally wishing us dead.

Please help get word around that this is happening and a serious issue if you can? (But also if you can’t please don’t feel bad about that)

Part 5:

Someone saying ppl only get to headcanon extremely privileged characters as ace/aro

Someone spouting the incredible, unironic line: “isn’t that the point of being ace?? to desexualize yourself??“

Telling aces to date non-aces otherwise they’re automatically abusive for “taking sex away” from their partners (holy shit)

As I mentioned, if we speak about the anti-ace/aro shit on this site, ppl love to try and shut us up by coming to our posts acting like we don’t know what we’re talking about or are deliberately lying for example because they’ve not personally seen what we’re talking about, and they can get really utterly horrible about it

Someone making up an insult (”stiff”) for aces to mean “a prude who cant keep their trap shut abt it “ (the person also posted a screenshot of a dictionary entry of the word in the positivity tag where “a dead body” is listed as one of the definitions)

Same person saying aromantic means “a boring person nobody will ever love”

Yet another person sexualizing aces, making fun of how supposedly we constantly talk about wanting to “fuck”… and about wanting to be led around on a leash in public

Two people defending hating all aces and comparing this to statements about privileged groups like white people, because ace/aro privilege I guess

A white person mocking me having experienced racism in “ace discourse” while heavily implying I must be lying (while demanding proof and no I’m not saying asking me for links is the problem)

Another person outright defending hating aces, except it’s okay and not bigotry according to them because it’s… not our existence that’s the problem but us existing as aces??

Part 6

Saying ace/aro identities belong in the DSM

And also a post I really want to talk about that made me add to this post again:

Saying asexual/aromantic people are “weird” and “ugly as fuck” and we id as ace/aro because “no one wants us” (I got an extremely vile anon once that made a similar “argument” and this line of thought is neither new nor harmless)

The thing about this post that makes it especially horrible and made me put it here almost right away? The notes. There are tons of people who responded to that post with approval and if you check, you’ll see them acting like aces/aros being treated like this and getting upset about it is just one big joke. There are many people going “lol that’s mean but true” and “lmao careful they’ll use this as proof they’re oppressed haha” (paraphrased) and otherwise talking nasty shit about aces and aros. This is fucking vile and the kind of shit you’d expect from anti-sjws, but nope, “ace discourse” everyone

Someone saying ace awareness week should not be a thing because they’re already “painfully” aware we exist

Did I mention when we talk about any of this people immediately in big numbers rush to silence us, dismissing and mocking us out of hand and painting us as hysterical liars who “just wanna be oppressed“ because who gives a shit about aces/aros saying they’re being harmed

As a bonus, let’s return to the anons for a moment, which I’ve not talked about much before:

Someone telling me to die after I made more posts calling this sort of anti-ace/aro shit out

Someone telling me they want to ally with conservatives and shoot me and also other aces, calling aces a “plague”

Someone telling me sending the above to a black person has nothing to do with racism, and also that asexuality is a symptom of mental illness/trauma that needs to be corrected, not a sexuality. They tell me to “get fucked” so I’ll be fixed

Right after these asks I also got a nazi in my inbox (”88″ is nazi code). Make of that what you will

Another person coming to my inbox calling aces a plague and wanting us all dead

“Tumblr aces are deserving of every drop of loathing they get”

And now back once more to the posts people actually put their blog names on (aka most posts by far on this list, so no one skimming better try to claim this is primarily about anons just because I put a few in)…

Reacting to hateful vile anons by claiming we must have sent them to ourselves (why? because they say so), such as graphic anon rape/death threats. Nasty on so many levels and encourages people who hate us further to send shit like that

Part 7

People thinking it’s appropriate to tell a black ace woman (me lol) she has an “oppression fetish” just based on her minority orientation, in response to her asking ppl to not do EXACTLY that

Someone comparing asexuality to a kink to mock the idea of and paint as gross aces talking to family or anyone not involved in “their sex life” about their orientation

Same person in a wild post calling all aces “demons” (as ppl keep doing)

Someone not only as so often comparing aces to Trump with a moodboard, but also including the word “fascism” in ace colors in it (this is an older post)

Someone coming up with the wild conspiracy theory that people upset by aphobia (along with inclusionists) are actually largely the alt-right trying to disrupt activist communities wtf I can not make this shit up (the person being ace themselves does not make this better or any less anti-ace/aro. This is fucking vile)

Someone mocking all aces by calling us “aceys” and talking about wanting to fight us, and another person approving of this and calling aces speaking out against it “dumb” and my legitimate anger “cute”. Also apparently being upset by this at all means I’ve “deluded” myself into thinking I’m oppressed

Same person who said the above claiming aro aces are somehow straight

Mocking aro terminology and aros for calling their partners (who they may or may not be married to) anything but “friends”

People (once again) painting aros as monsters who by virtue of being aro treat their partners without basic respect and decency. Also making aro identities all about wanting to “fuck” people without loving them, or caring about them in any shape or form. This shit is both sexualizing our identities (as usual) and nasty as hell in general

Another person outright saying they hate aces and trying to justify this by comparing it to venting about a privileged group, as if ace privilege exists rather than asexuality being a minority orientation

Someone (as too many ppl have done) comparing aces to “incels”, dangerous misogynists who are frequently rape apologists/rapists

Silencing tactics still include viciously mocking aces/aros speaking out against any of this shit and painting us as irrational, Senselessly Angry, and evil like in this bullshit “parody” post of what I (and two others?) have supposedly been saying. Apparently when I make posts like this one, that is what the OP gets from that… somehow. People keep doing shit like this to me, and painting black women as hysterical and angry for no reason when we’re legitimately upset is not a new move?

While we’re on the topic of antiblackness and misogynoir, remember how ppl love to send me graphic anon threats? Yeah this person purosely invoked the image of lynchings while doing so, aware themselves it’s racist and admitting they don’t care, as long as they can tell a black person they’d like to “hang me from a tree” and then also all other ace ppl, because “ace discourse” has proven to them we’re evil apparently

Part 8

Saying there’s somethong “wrong” with aces and aros and that we need to get professional help, and that our orientations are “unnatural”. There’s way too much pathologization among these links

Comparing aces to Ayn Rand, a racist rape apologist among other things. Apparently it makes for a fun moodboard about how we’re evil (and hate poor people?? wtf)

Once again someone comparing aces to incels (for some reason people love associating aces with misogynists, rape apologists and rapists, hmm)

Someone sexually harassing a user for simply saying to ignore/block aphobes, putting extremely explicit sexual content into the post’s notes, very possibly trying to deliberately trigger the OP. This is disgusting af

Someone saying asexuality isn’t a real sexuality (again)

As usual someone putting negativity in the ace positivity tag like we don’t deserve to have positivity - this time about how we’re “idiot aces” and all “cishet”

Talking about how this masterpost that, you know, has literal death threats on it and not few of them is hilarious

Here we have someone after being linked to this masterpost defending the Ronald Reagan and Trump moodboards (while completely ignoring all the other shit on this list)

Someone spewing the old bullshit notion that conservatives love aces for our supposed “celibacy”, with the typical implication of ace privilege or at least the idea that being ace makes those of us belonging to various oppressed groups less oppressed (or that we don’t exist at all lol)

Here’s an older post where someone cruelly made fun of an anon on an ace blog non wanting to get a pap test, presuming it’s due to internalized oppression and treating that as funny and inherently mock-worthy (the post got lots of approving notes at the time), because haha aces “valuing their virginity more than their health”, even though 1) the anon said nothing of the sort and 2) even if they had, people not wanting to get health care due to messed up ideas surrounding “virginity” is not funny either. (And this sort of ridicule is nowhere near comparable to correcting actual misinformation)

Making Kylo Ren ace/aro moodboards because aside from real life fascists it’s fun to compare us to fictional ones

Since we’re on the topic, another, older post that has a lot of people comparing aces to various fictional abusers, mass murderers, fascists, etc., “joking” about how these are the characters we can have as “ace representation”. And then ppl going “lol it’s just a joke haha silly aces not getting the concept of humor” in typical bigot fashion, something the anti-ace/aro crowd does A LOT

Meanwhile once when I in response to someone comparing aros to Voldemort (based on him being incapable of love) made an aro-spec Hermione positivity post using the same meme the Voldemort post had used, emphasizing her good qualities/sense of justice, a whole wild mess happened that included people making jokes about (house elf) slavery on my aka a black woman’s positivity post and calling one of the most commonly hc-ed as black characters demonic and equating her to Taylor Swift… for among other things the evil trait of having an issue with, you know, slavery.

(Later a white person tried to in a separate post paint me as hysterical/irrational for getting upset about this, completely [and deliberately] erasing the fact that it was about race at all in that retelling of things. Not that it’s not bullshit and extremely telling to gleefully heap negativity on a positivity post like this in general, but damn.)

But back to comparing us to real life fascists, someone literally said “cishet asexuals act almost identical to white supremacists and nazis” because saying this about a minority orientation which includes aces TARGETED by white supremacists isn’t fucked up at all I’m done

For the xth time someone outright saying they hate aces

Here we get tons of misogynoir again from someone making a sort of Nicki Minaj ace moodboard that compares ace inclusionism to her breasts/”silicone implants“, and someone else approving of how hilarious that supposedly is. It’s pretty fucking gross tbh, the OP even put it in the Nicki Minaj tag

Fitting in with the above nicely: someone suggesting that subsets of aces and aros be called “breeders” (this is an older post)

Calling asexuality and aromanticism “cults” and comparing them to scientology among a ton of other vile shit including once again pathologization

Calling (non-ace) aros “objectifying assholes”

More demonization of aros, claiming as so often that being aro is the same as fetishizing and using people

Once again someone calling aces (or well just ace girls this time because misogyny is fun) ugly and claiming we’re all white (because racism is also fun)

Part 9

And here finally the new part that tumblr wouldn’t let me add to the original post the usual way. Not to repeat myself but I’m exhausted. And pissed. Remember these are all just examples. And I’d like to say there won’t be more in the future but who am I kidding.

Making light of comparing aces to incels, who are still dangerous misogynists/rapists/rape apologists. How dare aces and especially ace women be upset about it

Another person making light of (nasty moodboards) comparing aces and specifically ace teenagers to vile af dangerous bigots

Again someone comparing aces to incels (....who apparently no longer oppress women, at least if they’re ace)

They really love that incel comparison

They love it a lot. Yet another person comparing aces to incels (while defining asexuality as “not wanting to fuck”). Someone else joining in and going, “Is ‘turbo virgin’ better for u”

The same ppl as in the link above continuing to be horrible+apparently thinking ace and aro WoC are no longer oppressed by racism and misogyny. Did I mention I could not make this shit up

Also if you scroll a bit, there’s a link there to one of them telling an ace to “get laid” to be fixed (this link here leads to the same thread as the one above)

Once more comparing aros to Trump

White person thinking it’s a good idea to equate aces/aros of color upset about being compared to white supremacists with white ppl upset about jokes about white ppl

“asexuals go to hell”

Claiming it’s just “crying racism” and funny that I call call out, you know, all this pretty blatant racism, such as comparing aces and aros to slave owners/white supremacists to give just one example of the literal dozens here (even sth on the level of that anon wanting to lynch me apparently doesn’t count as racist for the OP there what the hell even)

Pathologizing our orientations, saying aces all have some “underlying issue” and that we just id as asexual as an excuse bc we don’t wanna “work through” said issues

Again someone claiming aces can’t have sex, making fun of ppl saying otherwise (apparently we physically can’t this is so wild)

Again ppl claiming aces and aros are basically all white, hurting (and pissing off) aces and aros of color bc that’s always fun. Also I’d argue some not that subtle misogyny there but decide for yourself

Among other things claiming aces are obsessed with sex which uhh uncomfortable+creepy. If ppl’d stop sexualizing us that’d be fucking nice

Another nonblack person comparing ace inclusionists to Rachel Dolezal (not giving a shit about black ppl’s opinion on the matter)... and then claiming antiblackness isn’t racism (when coming from other PoC)

Claiming asexuality is a “specific sexual preference” that no one wants to know about and also the same as “not fucking”. Literally saying (as ppl in this mess do so often) we should literally mention our orientations to NO ONE but our partners bc of this. AND not giving a shit about being told this sexualizes aces including aces of color

As usual pretending we make all the shit documented in this post up (and let me repeat this post was just meant to have EXAMPLES, there’s way more horrible crap out there)

Ace girls are apparently “like straight girls, only worse”. And that regardless of other identities

Using the term “acehets”

Another person referring to “acehets and arohets”

Apparently asexuality and aromanticism are “technically het” now

Calling aces (explicitly+deliberately ALL aces) a “cancer to the lgbt community”

Saying a black aro ace woman wouldn’t have time to be “melodramatic” (=make posts like this one lol) if she had more sex. I CAN NOT MAKE THIS SHIT UP it’s so incredibly sexist, racist, and creepy omg. There’s already examples further above of this person’s misogynoir BUT DAMN

Here we have some pro Trump, pro gun person after going “fuck tumblr ace culture” talking about how aces aren’t oppressed (especially those of us to whom guns or ppl like the president they support are an incredible danger I’m sure lol) and how dare we make our orientations “our entire personality”. This is all so wild help me??

Remember when we talked about how ppl like to when we talk about this despite all the easily available proof accuse us of lying/being hytserical/just “wanting to be oppressed” as a silencing tactic? Yeah here we have someone calling me speaking out against some of the (racist) shit listed further above “delusional”

Linking being ace to being a nazi (”Been noticing a lot of these “Asexuals” are also nazis”)

More linking being ace to being a nazi (”You can't spell asexual without axis power”). Did I mention the anti-ace/aro crowd is wild and despicable af

The solution to people being this horrible to us is CLEARLY for us to “log off” so why the hell are we whining

This white person wants millions in “emotional damages” from people with ace headcanons for characters belonging to various oppressed groups, including characters of color. Because clearly others acknowledging the existence of aces of color must be incredibly painful for them. Wtf is the anti-ace/aro crowd even. Also, this is what aces and aros of color mean when we talk about constantly being erased by ppl wanting to pretend our orientations are somhow “white” identities - frquently like here under the guise of protecting us from those evil aces and aros aka ourselves.

Putting “your flag is ugly and so are you“ in the ace positivity tag

Same person posting in the ace positivty tag about wanting subsets of aces to get hit by a bus

Okay I know further above I’ve directed you to such unbelievably vile anons they must be getting old but I’m gonna put just one in this part: wanting aces dead but it’s our own fault because the ace community on tumblr made them into a shitstain devoid of decency who thinks fondly of people dying based on them sharing a minority orientation!! They had no problems with aces before!! And it’s just if we’re on tumblr that they want us dead really!! Using this site like other people makes us... wait for it... “incel equivalents” apparently

Aaand here the nonblack ppl go again with the comparing ace inclusionism to antiblackness/Rachel Dolezal, one of them specifically complaining they got called antiblack for it when clearly this white person also doing it proves it’s okay

After as the anti-ace/aro crowd loves to do pretending none of this is happening, this person admitted that yeah sure their crowd compares aces and aros to misogynists and racists, but it’s not because of our orientations but because we’re Bad, and if we claim otherwise we’re manipulative and just wanna victimize ourselves!!

racism and comparing PoC (because their asexuality continues to not magically turn aces of color into white ppl) to their oppressors are apparently still funny (”date an asexual who thinks reverse racism exists“)

Someone talking about wanting “porn of aces” where aces are raped and turned into “hypersexual sluts”. The person adds, “ESPECIALLY if it’s real”. This shit is VILE AND DISTURBING AF HOLY CRAP

And apparently aces who have sex are by virtue of this themselves rapists now, along with anyone who consensually sleeps with people they’re not attracted to?? Wtf even. (These people REALLY want to villify us and for us to not enter relationships - if we don’t have sex with a partner, we’re absusive, but if we do, we’re rapists. We’ve had both these “arguments” now I fucking can’t.)

Again someone posting (in the ace positivity tag) about wanting an “ace concentration camp”

“asexuals get death challenge”

And listen I WISH I was making this shit up and that these posts all didn’t exist. Then I’d not have to deal with the knowledge that a ton of people here don’t even see aces and aros as human beings, constantly throwing -isms and nasty af shit in general at us and pretending when aimed at us it’s somehow okay. People are doing all this to us, and trying to claim we deserve it, based on our MINORITY ORIENTATIONS.

It’s wild, it’s despicable, and it needs to stop. And I’m going to say it as many times as necessary.

#ace discourse #aphobia #asexuality #aromantic #masterpost #crapcourse mess #rape cw #abuse cw #sexualization /#suicide baiting cw #death threats cw #rape threats cw #concentration camp mention //#victim blaming mention /#long post

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scourgethewhorehog · 2 years ago

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long post abt social spaces specifically online and offline, unrelated to any recent events so don't put words in my mouth it just is part of me reflecting on trauma shit+ journaling + understanding why i lacked boundaries for so long and trying to sympathize with why other people may Also lack boundaries even if it doesnt , excuse certain shit

man does anyone else realize that condemning people as evil or dismissing them or insisting they are inherently bad to continue existence in a way they feel doesnt align to their worldview for things that dont actually cause harm on other people and are actually decent outlets to redirect traumatic experiences n passing judgement on them to the point theyre isolated to an incredibly small group of people to seek acceptance actually makes everyone worse off

and makes people question themselves and their morals to the point they eventually give up on trying to be a good person and actual bad people use this to infiltrate these groups of rejected traumatized people because of this us vs them mentality that comes from being rejected by wider society both by virtue of a lot of these ppl experiencing irl oppression 98% of the time and also have to deal from rejection even from any support group they may have to help them deal with very real life issues because everyone is inventing online problems and reasons to ostracize people more for like what for power for feeling like theyre better themselves in the face of all they also face in real life...

anyways this is just me thinking of how many people i see from a distance that have so much common ground with me and otherwise would be fine to be around but would hate me for being like a dirty evil queer with the kind of autism that isnt cute enough for tiktok who doesnt understand social cues or having the wrong kind of system or too bizarre of an identity as it is so when someone who comes along that checks so many of the boxes of just at least not fucking hating you you put up with So much shit. and thats what lead to like half of the abusive close relationships we've been in babey!

and when you talk to people outside of these circles, trying to get away from all the people who hurt you in them, there is subtle victim blaming, recovery spaces admonish you for having been in these spaces in the first place, insisting if you hadnt been who youve been you wouldnt be around these Inherently Bad people....

it doesnt help that in real life we did Everything right to not be the Bad Child, never dyed our hair until recently when we had enough, and never spoke out and paid all our bills on time and most gay people are disgusting perverts but youre quiet enough and never come out to your parents friends and never are too loud about it even if youre dying inside and want to cry when you have to say your partner is just your friend whose coming over because its a death sentence, god forbid we get into gender because even if we're trans in the end its just some sort of dykefag anyways and nothing gets acknowledged except the same imagined scenario of like. being a dirty depraved sex pervert even if you struggle to touch other people and are terrified to tell anyone about that.

being an assumed danger to other people no matter how harmless you are sucks. its like, i come online to all these people where, at surface level expression, maybe would like me, because physically everyone near me wouldn't if i was half honest, but i'm still too much for them too now and i'm left feeling exactly like i do day to day. the internet isn't really escapism anymore its the same shit with a new coat of paint. i go through life thinking these people are good people and would be cool in any other circumstance, and i wish them the best, but the minute i am me i am a problem and something is wrong and all the kindness and good will they have and their favorite dessert and birthday and the things i recognize of them and love and care about wont matter anymore because i stopped being a person to them, and it happens to me online now too! and that sort of blows but at least i actually have real friends now who are like family and ill count my blessings on that.

#infection #reader beware

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rezilient-m3 · 4 years ago

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November 20, Child Tax Day. Haha jk. It's a Friday night, late, so 21st. But I'm here at my parent's house, with the kids. We came Wednesday, so they missed school Thursday and today. Got the news my kokum (grandma) wasn't going to make it through the night on Tues. She held on until last night (Thurs) at 10:17. She was 90. Had Alzheimers for, about, 10 ish yrs.

What I want to talk about is my emotions, or lack thereof, at the moment. I know how that sounds, and it's not what I mean. I'll explain lol. But for those of you reading all of these things, or remember the part where I was adopted, this is my dad's mother. So, not my blood relative. That shouldn't matter right? But back when I found out I was adopted, and my parents weren't really my parents, I was very young and confused. This is where my counselor mentioned something about the "rupture" in my relationships I had with my family. It never really occurred to me, until recently, that I had an identity crisis at the time. But, overall, I lost who I thought I was. So, with that, my little brain thought that, "if he's not my 'real' dad, then he (and his whole side of his family and ours) must not take me as theirs." Idk why I thought that, or how it started, but I was convinced that's how everybody felt. That caused me not to try to build relationships with anybody from that side, including my kokum, and maybe even my dad. Like, I was there, at gatherings, or visiting at her house when my dad would take us. I told her I loved her and she even babysat sometimes and made us teenie, child sized bannocks for me and my twin brother. We even called her kokum bannock. But, that feeling of insecurity and not being fully accepted was always present. EVEN THOUGH they've never flat out said it and were always nice to me. I just had always felt like an outcast. And maybe, on some level, I still do.

When she died last night, fb was flooded with family members posting pictures of themselves with her, either old and recent. Me? I have nothing. That made me sad. And seeing her laying there in her bed, I couldn't help but feel guilty, and sad, and sorry I didn't try harder before.

What I meant about the "lack" of emotions was, last night, when we got the call, me and my dad were closing the store. Earlier we were all at the hospital, near our reserve, so we had all just finished seeing her a few hours before. Anyways, his brother called to tell him. I knew exactly what had just happened. I wanted to cry. But, at the moment, we were waiting for a lady to come shop from the next town over cuz she didn't know our hrs changed due to covid. So, I didn't want to cry, to make him cry. And he didn't cry. He was weirdly calm. Totally not what I was expecting because he was the closest one to his mother than all of his siblings. But, maybe he really is okay with her passing. She isn't suffering anymore. That's what he says... Anyways, we didn't cry. The lady came, he told her the news. My little sister/niece thing came in, with eyes that had just finished crying. But we didn't say much. The lady customer left, and we got all our stuff to leave, and still, didn't say much. My sister J (sister/niece thing's mom) was sitting outside obviously crying, and my dad went to the passenger side, to my niece and made a joke to laugh. That has always been his coping mechanism, was to make jokes in awkward, weird, sad times. Then we came walking home. I wanted to ask if he was okay, or hug him to make sure, or let out my cry; but nothing happened. We just came home. My mum and sister R were sitting at the table, and again, not much was said. He just said we'll figure out what to do im the morning, then, he went to his room. I sat down looking at my phone, at the pictures everyone was sharing, contemplating whether if I should make one without a picture. I even contemplated if I should make a post about what I'm writing about now. But, made the right choice by not writing anything because THIS IS NOT ABOUT ME. Lol. I had to write it out tho, cuz it's been heavy on my mind.

I told my dad about some of my feelings on our road trip today. He just told me I always was and always will be his girl. So, I'm content in our relationship. I'm glad things totally turned around, because he is always what I need. That year I separated from Alex is what really made me and my dad closer. I can never be grateful for it, even though that year I was hurting. But it will always be my silver lining in that dark period.

I didn't mean to stray from speaking about my kokum, by going on about me and my dad. My point is, my relationships with this side of family are improving. Not so much with the cousins, I still feel like they're not my 'real' cousins. Idk why. But what I mean is, with my dad and his brothers. I feel closer to these men than I ever did. And I'm happy for it.

Plus, I just realized I wasn't finished about the lack of emotions now. I wanted to cry the moment I heard. But now, I feel like I don't feel anything. Like, how I always feel when something happens. Like, "something bad, or sad, has happened, BUT I think I'm okay." Or pretending. Idfk. Bet I'll be hysterical at the funeral tho. No doubt about that.

I just meant, my counselor had mentioned something about our reptilian brain, and how it works when something traumatic happens to us. To all of us, we go into some type of mode, and it depends on how we deal with it. And, for me, it might be that I shut down. Like, I go into a mode where I don't let myself process or deal with it properly. I think I've me tinned it before. But idk. Trying to work on my shit lol.

I hope I made sense. And I think I've said what I needed to say. I'm tired now. This took a long time to type lol. I'm sorry if my posts are boring at times, but it's just what's on my mind.

Later ppl. ✌

#allofme #mystory #lostchild #imtrying #rip

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yourflygirlslittlegenital · 7 years ago

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Transgender Day of Remembrance - Some thoughts

Well, some years ago I organised a Tdor demonstration in Berlin, Brandenburger Tor, legally, with fuckin cop protection (what an irony) and today it is also time to remember some things which are always coming between us activists.

youtube

If I want to talk about my discrimination experiences, it is always hard to find a language. I know which words are wrong and I also know which definitions are bad and wrong. This is a result of my discrimination experiences. And I want to use this.

So I don´t use the words “trans” and “cis” and “inter” anymore. My experience is that people assosiate the “right” things with them, the things that the media tells them - mentally disturbed ugly men who want to become women by starting to cloth and style different, strange gay people in coloured bad choosen outfits dancing with unicorns in worn out hillybilly 80s discotheques. Sometimes even I am associate this. You know, all this is not my style. It´s not my life nor what I want to become. I fley the “lgbtiq*” community because I made just worse and worse experiences there. Exploitations (of the discrimination and “outsider” experiences and “identity”), exclusions, foreign determination and other forms of hierarchies and disrespect seemed common there, the music was shite and boring and the “artists” mostly untalented, uninspiring and really bad in what they did.

I never enjoyed these “queer parties” doesn´t matter if it were these typical “homo parties” with terrible 80s sound and German pop folk music or these black leather and whip parties where half of the crowd was having these exaggerated kajal & mascare “designs” while praying for some catholic punishment and ketamine in front of some always the same sounding heavy dark electro/dark techno that was yet banned out of the real club discos for several years nor these “lalalala i am a sweet pink riotgrrrl with a guitar” singsangsong concerts with always the same riffs, paroles and attitudes. “We” weren´t really accepted there ... hell no. Worst were these hippsterish feminist parties where half of the crowd was wearing these boring “don´t beat me” glasses which I am calling “career glasses” where you have to discuss anything about what you “may” do and what not including to define yourself while boring nasal voiced radio music is played in the background and no action is allowed because this is attended to be “unqueer” and therefor ... sexistic and patriarchal.

Anyhow, my taste in music and style was always (made) a problem in these scenes and to different to them and their collective taste in these seemed always to be the evidence of a crime. So I quit these scenes. And their language.

Also my experience is that feminists never really show distance from “cuntists” which disguise themselves as “(terf-) feminists” just to exclude and mock other women for this or that physical attribute, a very sick and ugly form of repeating mistakes you suffered from yourself before. These cuntists, as also the big and never really overcome reference to the cunt as the “core of all feminine” in feminism passed finally to bring me far away from this little sweet pseudoposition called feminism. And I think its more a form of a mask/identity nowadays than a real position. Because most things regarding stereotype genders are nowadays so clear that no one needs to build an ideology or position around it. Sure, this is also a result of the painful process of mass mind assignment and the bourgeoise education technics, but sorry, I can´t take anyone playing the fulltime macho/machista OR feminist serious. Both positions are quite too exaggerated, dumb and unhuman because so many evil shit has taken place in the last time in the name of feminism (also, especially against wrong assigned, inter and trans and other disadvantaged ppl.) while beeing/acting as a macho / machista is a selfevident thing to be wrong, stupid and to avoid for thousands of reasons.

So I am doing my activism just with a bunch of friends who have the same or similar claims, ideas and fights - we are all aware of the fact that the word “trans” f.e. is not only poisoned by the media and nothing to take or even be proud of - it is yet wrong and derrogative in its meaning.

Take the chemistry of old greek language - if two things are “cis”, it means they are on the same side while “trans” means in f.e. a molecule that the second thing is “on the other side”. There is also ortho (next side), para (two sides away) and so on. But only cis means “both together”. Yet this shows how stupid it is to repeat calling yourself (a) “trans” / “transgender” / “transsexual” while not having any serious problem with the shape of your body. Accepting the word “trans” means accepting the ideology of the “right” and the “wrong” body and therefor the theory that you and you body (in general) would be a problem that has to be treaten as a problem. Fuck that.

This is f.e. one thing why I am not connecting really with most other activists anymore. Another is that many/most are believing in strange and often stupid things like that society would just reject them and their existance and human rights for beeing mistaken while ignoring the psychodynamics of power.

I am also fed up with activists who believe in a peaceful revolution for their rights and acceptance - as if Stonewall Riot and all the other important and necessary processes would ever have happened just in a painless and peaceful way - Come back to reality and fight with us, pls!!

Another thing is that we live in a state of permanent oppression, including violence, stigmatisation and taking away our life quality with that. You can hide from seeing this, but anyhow - I don´t want to lie about that any longer.

The media is a bullshit - this is why I don´t read newspapers anymore. All the propaganda and stigmatising articles about the “strange beings who change their gender and where born as a man” and so on, you find em everywhere and in every of these shitpapers, so I will run or find my own press or die without knowing perfectly what is going on. This culture is not my culture, it is cutting away my experience, it is cutting away my life, my style, my knowledge, my ideas and my sexuality - while sexualising me and my sisters in a stupid, ugly and unsuppotably exploitative manner.

I say fuck you to a culture, society that is defining itself as an integrative, democratic dialogue culture while it is in reality a fucked up senseless powerplay and projection of some bunch of poison-filled, stressed and greed controlled human shit disguised in either sexy dresses or boring suits told to be sexy and/or neutral. I am not a part of this and I will never be.

Every nation that has laws which force me to be described as “male” in official documents for being born with a penis can suck my dixk and suffocate. So I don´t want to be part of any state, group or collective that is going with the actual madness of genitalistic assignments - I want to fight for having a place without gender assignments - not at birth nor ever! No fucking laws no fucking “she was born as a man” articles, slander and wikipedia mockings! I am fighting for a place with clean without all walls and media full of this privilegued repressive hatespeech propaganda.

This fight is not a fight for human rights, a bit of respect or beeing heard - I want to fight for having my own territory free of cops, genitalistic media, ugly fetishistic chasers and doctors who shall tell me who to be and what to do and how to hate my body by law and claiming that reproduction is the essential thing in life while justifying laws which demand the permanent castration or other forms of mutilation of my body just to be accepted as a woman. I want to kill all people who are and were involved in this. And never again live in a society that justifies them and their work while telling anyone in the media they would be “experts” about what and who I am while I would be a “transperson”. No. Fuck yea.

Still looking for people having the same in mind. And in their guts. Sorry, you peaceful feminist and queer community embracing activists... but your “riot” is not mine.

I am just still living for revenge. And for a change. Not a repeat of the same walls, prejudices and clichees under the sign of “diversity” “rainbow something” or collective “lgbtiq harmony”. I am just a woman. Not LGFUILHSDLUKADZBKub and not even proud to be a woman. My rainbow -flag is a burning authority with a choped down head -flag, my diversity is the diversity of anyone. Not I am special - everyone is. So I refuse to be categorised as “a little bit different”. Fuck that. Don´t make me a stupid fool. All these representations of “queer” and all the other mainstream “deviant sexuality” bullshit just makes me vomit. I want to break down the walls - not to tighten them.

Also I want to tell my pain and fight to anywhere and not just to find it in a “rainbow corner” of some special nice magazine or in a “safe space”, so I don´t exclude from the mass and the people who don´t want to listen. It is a political,. necessary and social thing, just as the election of any government, the Arab Spring or the next 20 Mio trade of the Coca Cola Company is. And I have the impression that many other activists see this different. These are some reasons why I stopped to interact in ordinary activism. I know that I am not alone with that. But mostly no one is talking about it.

Today I dared to. My last suicide attempt is 8 years ago. I almost passed to die. And wake up in a hospital 3 days later. Especially the sexual herrassment and abuse of the psychotherapists I was forced to communicate with regulary just to be able to juristically change my legal name took away the most power I needed to survive in a world full of genitalistic hate, prejudice and normative propaganda of a culture that is defining itself by excluding, killing and ignoring us and our ancient sisters and brothers and their knowledge, language and experiences. Will they also iradicate us and our words and images? Like our ancestors?

This is what and why I am fighting. At the moment it still seems to be a real small minority within a small minority fight. But I don´t give up now anymore. Read more about our small activist group in

http://antigenitalistischeoffensive2013.tumblr.com/post/64452337251/about-genitalism-and-our-mission

https://stopgenitalism.tumblr.com

#tdor #tdor 2017 #transgender day of remembrance #suicide #revenge #exclusion #activism #lgbt #different #exit

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hazel2468 · 7 years ago

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Okay, I know that I’ve addressed this before, But I’ve seen some shit being said and I think that I need to say this again. Asexual people, aromantic people, bisexual people, pansexual people, and polysexual people DO NOT HAVE STRAIGHT PRIVILEGE. I see it so often- someone saying “Well, you have straight privilege” to someone who is ace, or someone who is bi/pan/poly. “You can pass as straight/ you are straight!” I’ve gotten this myself, quite a bit. “Well, your partner is trans, so you’re really straight” or “Your partner presents as male, so you’re accessing straight privilege!” and like okay, first of all, she’s my girlfriend, no matter how she presents she is a girl and we are not straight. Second of all, I do not have access to straight privilege. And it really fucking bugs me when I see, say, lesbians or gay ppl telling ace or bi (or any non-monosexual person, really) that they have access to straight privilege because they do not get to define that. The only people who can decide who is part of the group that accesses straight privilege is, you guessed it, straight folks. And for the purpose of this, I am going use “straight folks” to mean people who are heterosexual, cisgender, and not ace/aro (if there is a term for that, please let me know, I used to use allo but someone told me not so so I am avoiding that). When an ace person reveals that they are ace- whether they are attracted to strictly the opposite gender, whether they are cis or not, straight folks are not going to see them as straight. They will see them as ace. When I, for example, out myself as queer/pansexual, EVEN IF I AM DATING A MAN, straight folks will not see me as straight. They see me as queer/pansexual. When my girlfriend tells people her name or outs herself as trans, even if she is presenting masculine, straight folks do not see her as straight (even if they go the transphobic route and see her as a man), they see her as trans and queer. When I see other members of the LGBTQ+ community assigning straight privilege to other people in the community, and especially to ace/aro people, it’s fucking awful. Because we, as queer people, do not get to decide who gets in with the straight folks or not. No matter how many times you tell an asexual person (again, even if they are in a relationship with someone who is the opposite gender) that they have straight privilege, that will not make the straight folks actually give them access to it. And when people tell me “Yeah, well, you can pass as straight!” my response is “Well, so can you.” Because if you hide who you are, if you hide who your partner is, if you never reveal that part of yourself, you can also pass as straight. And that isn’t the life that we as queer people want for ourselves- it’s been made pretty clear to me that no one should ever have to live in a closet. And yet every time someone tells me, or my girlfriend, or an ace/aro person, or a NB person, or a genderqueer person, or a bi person, that they “can pass as straight if you want”, you are insinuating that closeting ourselves is somehow an acceptable option for us. Now, of COURSE if you are not safe being out, don’t out yourself, and this goes for everyone, no matter your orientation or identity. And sure, there are days when I can walk down the street holding my girlfriend’s hand and no one looks twice. But that is coming at the cost of my girlfriend’s ability to express who she is. In conversations, I still have to sometimes censor myself, to call her by her deadname because some people don’t know and she doesn’t want them to, I need to make sure I don’t say girlfriend around people I am not out to yet. I worry about the current administration, about the hate crimes- I share a LOT of the same concerns and worries and anxieties as the rest of the community, as the very people who have told me that I have straight privilege and that I somehow don’t have to think about these things. But I do. And I suppose at the end of it all, the hardest part about that isn’t worrying about supporting my girlfriend and feeling anxious when she comes home late. It isn’t having to navigate the nuances of being a wlw in areas where that isn’t accepted. It isn’t having to deal with relatives and family members and unsupportive parents. It’s knowing that, for me and for a lot of other queer people (non-monosexual folks make up over 50% of the community), when we go to talk about these experiences with people who share them, with people who say that they understand, who know what it is like... We are met with “Well, you can pass as straight”. We are met with dismissal of our concerns. We are even met with outright hostility and exclusion. Sure, I could pass as straight. I could lie. I could call my girlfriend my boyfriend. She could pass, too. Never dress or act or identify how she feels. Never be truly comfortable. Always cautious about names and pronouns and what we say around who. I could pass as straight, we could pass as straight like y’all always tell us that we are able to... But at what cost? For a group that has largely had to hide who they are, I would think that you would all know that the price is far too steep.

#personal #pan clan #queer #lil rant #this has been rlly bothering me #I heard it today #and that was kind of it

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sootonthecarpet · 5 years ago

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if it's not too much trouble to answer, can I ask what's been the going on with doctor who that's bad? I've seen little bits of it when my parents watch it in the other room but not enough to really get a good sense of it?

heyyy sorry to keep ya waiting on this. i tried to keep this as short as i could, but it’s about five paragraphs long, sorry. it’s not in any way a comprehensive list of problems with the last few seasons, just a quick tour of the moments i shouldve let be my ‘i can’t keep watching after this’ point. i wanted to write it objectively but i got pretty aggro, bc this show that in some part i genuinely adore has been producing unforgivably bigoted content. (it’s kinda a ship of theseus situation, except where the parts of the ship were replaced with worse, shittier, fake-woke parts.) i ask ppl to avoid reblogging this, because i don’t want my words to contribute in any way to online buzz surrounding this show or make anyone want to see it, even if ONLY to hatewatch or criticize.

content warning for misogynoir/antiblackness, racism, bury ur gays, some shit with nazi germany (yeah lol) and just the slightest kiss of antisemitism.

(edit: i seem to be having some problems with the read more cut. it’s there on dash view and when i edit the post, but doesn’t show on some instances of my blog. i can’t fix this but gksfkgls. wanted to at least be overt that i wouldn’t post this kinda long ranty stuff without a cut.)

in the last season where peter capaldi was the doctor, two seasons ago now, he had a new companion, Bill. she was a black lesbian and literally the only reason i started watching doctor who again. i loved her, and i was really glad to see the show moving back towards the more diverse cast of characters that we saw in the late aughts. then the season had a repeated theme of FORCING her to either repress or not feel her emotions. there are two scenes that stand out most to me. in an ep set in like, early 19th century london, she and the doctor are talking to a racist rich white dude who is being super nasty to Bill. the doctor keeps telling her to cool it and not show how angry she is. then HE gets to punch the guy out and knock him to the floor.

this theme of the white man being the only one allowed to get angry was big all season, iirc. then at the end of the season, Bill is turned into a cyberman. they’re usually like. soulless scary automatons, but some characters keep their individuality, which has been explored in a few past seasons, usually leading up to a tragic/heroic death. in Bill’s case, they did this trick with filming where we could see her perspective of herself in some shots–an intensely emotional performance, Bill was completely traumatized and her actress was working her ass off–and in others, just this metal body incapable of expression, scaring people like she was a monster and monotoning these otherwise very emotional statements. it’s an interesting narrative device, but after a whole season of this show putting Bill through all kinds of terrible shit and forcing her not to show her feelings on the matter, it hit me as like. this nauseating exaggeration of how society treats actual black lesbians as monsters and tries to make them bottle up their emotions and especially their justifiable anger. anyway, then Bill died and got to be with her dead girlfriend from her first episode. wow, cool.

idk what made me watch the season after that. i guess i wanted to see the new doctor, and i liked her companions (one was like. a young man with disabling neurological symptoms, tbh even if i’d missed Bill’s season that might have had me back on board). i had plenty of problems with how the season played out, obvs, but nothing was standout horrible to me the way the shit with Bill had been (except maybe the episode that started out like ‘space amazon is a hellhole’ and somehow ended with ‘space amazon was taken advantage of by a broken AI that hurt some people and they didnt fix the infrastructure we explicitly showed harmed their workers but now it’s fine!’ if that sounds weird and heavy handed with an unsatisfying ending, it’s because it was). the new season tho? the OPENING EPISODES OF THE NEW SEASON, THO? it opens with alexa product placement, in an episode about how a fictionalized google was actually run by a black man who had ties to a large number of aliens who had secretly infiltrated our society, altered our dna, and shit like that. so uh, 1. brand war lmao, sellouts etc etc 2. y’all remember those conspiracy theories about jews? and white supremacist beliefs that black people are ruining the world but aren’t smart enough to do it on their own so they must be agents of jewish corruption? HUH. HUH! that’s not even my big problem with the fuckin thing, but it’s FOR SURE a suspicious writing move from a tv show with suuuuch a huge viewership. (and it’s just plain embarrassing for a show with alexa product placement to try to go all scary panopticon tropes specifically @ a google analogue.)

anyway, we run into an old recurring antagonist, the master, a time lord like the doctor. he’s a guy again after having been a woman for a few seasons, and now played by an actor of color. i figure the reasoning at least partly relied on “dude, how fucked up will it be if we force the doctor’s black friend to call a white dude master” but i was immediately afraid it might go to the like…. Righteous White Woman Gets The Better Of Evil Brown Man tropes and oh boy!!!! i tried to be good and give it the benefit of the doubt until i saw something racist but it wasted no time. the doctor got stuck in the past at one point, and met the master, who was currently a military official with the third reich. oh boy. so she asks him why they let him work with them and he explains he’s using a device to psychically disguise himself, they see him as white. (we missed a great chance for him to monologue about how they were willing to bend their morals when they saw how evil he could get or something.) this was awkward enough for me as a viewer, but i wasn’t prepared to go into it, in case there was some tiny shred of nuance somewhere that would make this situation anything but a clusterfuck.

well, the doctor executes a genuinely clever scheme and makes a radio transmission to the brits that she knows won’t reach em, talking about how helpful this officer has been–setting up the master to be falsely outed as a double agent when the nazis intercept it. she tells the master this and then skedaddles, letting him be arrested by his own men. could be a satisfying karmic victory where he presumably gets a military trial and weasels out of his fate, although i don’t like the implications of a white woman punishing a brown man for racism. BUT IT DIDN’T STOP THERE! she disables his psychic filter, causing his men to see his true identity as a man of color–she exposes her oldest frenemy and Basically The Only Time Lord Who’ll Talk To Her to nazi racism when he was ALREADY about to fall into their hands as a prisoner. what could have been a marginally satisfying defeat was instead a kind of emotional horrorshow for me as i had to stop and wonder what kind of hell they’d put him through and why the writers decided that the doctor (who has literally since the show began in like the sixties been set up as an enemy of naziism via allegory and has always been firm in the idea that NOBODY, including literal maneating space monsters, deserves to be treated as less than human) would DO that. IT’S LATER IMPLIED HE ESCAPED FROM A CONCENTRATION CAMP. the narrative DOES NOT allow time for that to sink in before moving on.

i dont have a conclusion 2 this. im just hurt as fuck about it. i hope i gave u the info u were looking for without getting too deep into my personal feelings, but it’s difficult, maybe impossible to be objective about stuff like this.

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possibilistfanfiction · 8 years ago

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hey jude!!! just read ur last anon abt being nb and wondered if u could talk abt ur own gender experience?

well basically i didnt grow up in a very open household, like rly Zero discussion of gender, so i know i Experienced gender entirely but i played almost exclusively with the boys in my class until probably grade 6 or 7, & at puberty, even tho i was a better athlete than most boys in my class still, i started hanging out with girls more, at recess, etc. i was always into androgyny, even if i had no idea (& i didn’t) what that was—i liked some femme things, absolutely, but i wanted nothing to do w skirts or pretty shoes. i wanted to be in adidas running sneakers 24/7 if i could help it, & i wore a uniform to school w the option of a skirt/pants, & im p sure i always wore pants. at the time this, to me, seemed more functional, & it was, but it was also, as i can understand now, something that made me feel Less like a girl, although not at all like a boy.

when i was older, 12, 13, 14, my parents wanted me to dress nicer, & i was v much into like american eagle shit, although by mid hs i was into some vintage stuff. one rly big odd style influence for me was mia wasikowksa in this weird movie called restless bc it was this v soft femme androgyny & i think for me this kind of gender expression became very important to see & understand. it wasn’t that she didn’t look like a girl, or that she wasn’t a girl, but she also sometimes looked like a boy, or wore boys clothes, but she wasn’t butch. idk this movie sent me for a loop honestly lol.

& obviously my understanding of gender expression didn’t correlate (& doesn’t correlate!) w so many gender identities, & “passing” is extremely harmful as a notion, etc. but when i was younger my understanding of gender & sexuality was very limited & began to expand when i saw very femme but still andro ppl, even tho i couldn’t articulate it at the time.

when i was a teenager i knew i didnt want to rly have a single thing to do w any boy, which made me sure i was a lesbian bc thats the only narrative i’d rly known abt queerness, or queer women, or even queer ppl who presented as femme. there werent any out lesbians at my school (no fucking way), & the only out queer kid at all was a white gay guy a year older than me, who was popular in the way white gay boys can be popular in high school. but i read voraciously, was fascinated by the crossdressing in shakespeare (paris in the merchant of venice was a particular fixation of mine?) & anyway. i knew i was queer, i knew i liked girls, & i knew i was outrageously uncomfortable w my body, particularly my breasts. for a long time i thought this was because i was ashamed of my sexuality, when i came to sort of understand that, but ofc now i know abt dysmorphia & dysphoria, so yknow. knowledge.

when i went to college i came out big time, & it became very important to me to both be queer & look sort of queer but not queer enough to be Queer—i wanted ppl to be like ‘maybe into girls, but maybe straight.’ as im sure many of us know, this was a lot of internalized shame abt a lot of things, so that sucks. however, i cut my hair which was like the first comfortable thing i had done for my appearance in a v long time, & also smth which my parents hated & i did anyway. i wore a Lot of rly femme stuff bc they hated it tho? so this was all v confusing for me bc my parents are v homophobic, & here i was in college starting to read queer theory & gender theory & falling in love w like. the most beautiful, brilliant girl, & also spiraling into a mixed episode after i got diagnosed w bipolar I, which sort of put everything else on the backburner for a year.

eventually tho i sorted that out (as much as u can sort smth like that out) & i started to rly pay attention to androgyny. i went to europe & i think theres a whole bunch of nuances to fashion that exist there that certainly arent here, & i spent a winter in warsaw so there were aspects to fashion & expression there that were entirely abt functionality, which i was v attracted to. in college, as well, & especially after college, gender became smth i was v much invested in bc i was (& absolutely am) a feminist, so my place in the canon & zeitgeist was one as a queer female writer. it was so so central to who i was, & what i was writing abt. every single thing i wrote in college was in some way a balm, some sort of piece abt myself, learning abt trauma & the body. sorting through a lot of hurt. i could write a theory piece abt elizabeth bishop & reading it back now i know it was also abt me, that kinda stuff.

when i went to toronto i rly rly started being invested in looking critically at gender & my experience of it bc being read as a woman was smth that was grating on me, even tho i had identified as woman for so long, & had no desire at all to transition. i know 100% i am not a trans man, so that was confusing for a long time because i sort of knew there was a space between but it was very hard to conceptualize. eventually i sort of came to understand gender is a color wheel where cis boys are blue & cis women are pink & then theres literally a ton of other colors out there, so yknow. lots of different experiences of gender. some days i feel much more strongly like i identify w women (in mostly political situations, it matters to me to be read as “female” sometimes bc rights for ppl w vaginas AND trans women are FUCKED UP in so many places). some days i hate the idea of identifying as a woman. i also never want to identify as a man. so when i was in toronto i rly started to know a LOT of queer ppl w so many different expressions of gender. & we were all young & lovely & open & fucked up & we would get fucked up but we would also go read together in the park & wander around alleys in the snow & like. there’s a Muchness to toronto that i experienced that helped me, personally, understand these intersections between my own sexuality & gender & expression as much more than just a gay woman who isn’t butch & isn’t femme. i was rly lucky to become part of a community that identified as Queer, & so i became v much understanding of these different aspects of my own identity that fell outside of binary—my sexuality, my gender. Queerness is a vital & profound thing to me & i was rly able (& so fortunate) to have a close friend group of mostly queer ppl & then a few of the actual literally most incredible allies i’ve ever known & will ever know.

so then from there i just rly kinda thought abt things & like i got a binder & stuff in TO but rly started to evaluate my dysmorphia & dysphoria (i had struggled really badly w an eating disorder in/post college) & was able to sort out that so much of it had to do w feeling uncomfortable in the way my body was read in the world. & that will always happen bc i LOVE makeup & i have a “feminine” voice & sometimes i love skirts & i shave my legs bc i like how it feels sometimes & i dont ever want to go on T—none of these things make anyone ANY gender, but ofc theyre coded as “female.” but i’m learning to just yknow educate where i can & take a lot of solace in the community of ppl i have fostered who support & understand my Being. i’ve also allowed myself to be invested in aesthetics & fashion & how much a role that plays bc like. yah fuck Yah i look cool shit bc my friends love it & absolutely i wanna wear the same vans maia mitchell has & i want a melodrama hoodie & i LOVE local toronto designers & their angsty patches abt sad songs & whiskey but i love fashion born out of histories that is connected to smth i can understand, like queer punk movements, or smth my friends & i share, like blundstones (which are gender neutral, which is cool). i’m fascinated in how ppl express their Selves, & we are so unfortunately Finite in our bodies in the sense that that’s rly how the world, in our day to day interactions, processes who & what we are. so i invest in the care of mine by trying to listen to it, trying to make it comfortable—& clothing is a huge thing that can do that. also its fun so anyone who thinks loving (ethical, cool) fashion is vain can eat my ass

anyway lmao now i have a p decent sense, atm at least, of what makes my body its most comfortable (even if that is v far from Comfortable at times). i love my tattoos, & i basically never rly want long hair again i’m p sure, & i love makeup, & if i could wear vans or blundstones every day for the entirety of my life at this point that would be incredible. those are easy things, & i try to allow my body, in its cultural place, to have access to them as much as possible, which is so important to me in a sense of having access to a physical space that matches my mental space of gender identity. politically sometimes i feel v v much a “woman” in terms of my lived experience, & i allow that of myself as well. sometimes when i write it’s important to me that my poetry be read as a queer person but also someone who is culturally coded as a woman, bc those are still always central concerns of my work—the trauma, the power there. but day to day i’m mostly happy spending my time obsessing over other things, like what to call this new genre of music halsey & lorde are making, or why my dog stevie is a Fanatic when it comes to ice cubes. ive come to enough terms w my gender, & my sexuality—& the expression thereof—that unless someone is talking abt gender, or someone asks me a question, it’s not smth that is constantly on my mind, which is. Nice. its so nice lol.

also i would like to point out that i know my experience being non binary is rly rly white & western in so many ways & i get that. my cultural experience of non binary gender is also v much this like. ive felt frustrated before but never in my life have i felt scared to be non-binary while i was like out & abt in the world, bc i still pass as a cis white woman literally everywhere all the time (which has its pros & cons but like, still, a lot of privilege). so i do try to keep all of that in mind as well when i try to center myself & all that jazz

& who tf knows where all of that will take me. i feel like, bc ive learned to listen to my body & my brain so much better than i did when i was younger—even when they might hate themselves—i am so much better at filling up a space in the world that occupies smth healthy. which is not smth i take lightly, & i’m also so open to changes, as long as they feel good & beneficial & true. which is sort of new for me. who knows man ur mid twenties are a wild ride

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