#because it's actually fucking up my mental health bad that I'm so alone constantly

[nexus-nebulae]

i. hate feeling like im so starved for social interaction that I'm forgetting how to speak to anyone at all. but because im forgetting how to speak im too scared to reach out to literally anyone

[hipipi]

.

[huntinglove]

How to get away from antiship spaces (mostly)

Warnings: Long post, antis mention, mentions of pedophilia, rape, self harm and gore (none show, not descriptive)

Have you recently learned that you align yourself with the proship label? Would you like to get away from antis as safely as you can? Here's what I've learned, as an ex anti:

1. It may be hard, but try to get rid of/abandon your accounts where you used to interact with antis.

This is one of the hardest steps because having a lot of followers can be discouraging, but it's the safest approach in this situation, because if antis see you following or interacting with proshippers they WILL question you about it and depending on how you tackle their asks they'll throw you to the wolves and publicly "warn" people about you so people can mass report your account/harass you

This applies to anything; Tumblr blogs, Twitter profiles, Discord servers, if you've interacted with antis block them and delete your account if you decide to adopt the proship label

Antis constantly claim that they don't harass people but as soon as someone drops the anti label they dogpile them and call them "traitors" as well as their usual buzzwords to catch people's attention, it's better to pull the plug directly than just rebrand your account

1.5. If you REALLY want to keep your account because you've used it for a long time or because it works as a portfolio, please create a different account to post about proship content

If you make a new account remember to block your anti mutuals/followers from your main account before you start posting, art styles can be very unique and easy to spot similarities in, as well as typing patterns and reoccurring emojis/symbols

If there's the option to, keep your profile private until you've built a steady environment for yourself, if you prefer to keep your profile private permanently that's also a good option!

Remember, your safety matters more than numbers on a screen!

2. This one should go without saying but, please don't share much of your trauma/mental health issues/triggers with people online in general, but especially not with antis

I used to talk about my struggles and vent publicly a lot, antis would stalk my accounts and send me all types of fucked up content.

I've had people send me rape videos and threats, people telling me I deserved the abuse I went through, people would send me gore and self harm images, as well as suicide tutorials.

They can and will use all of it to their advantage, they're restless and will dig up even decade old posts if they feel it'll be useful for them. It can and will take a toll on your mental health, so please save yourself the trouble and only open up with people you genuinely trust and feel safe talking to!

You're not alone, but please don't let dangerous people take advantage of you when you're at a bad spot

3. Keep an eye on your followers, especially if your profiles are public. There are always some things to look out for to make sure your followers aren't antis pretending to be proshippers

According to my personal experience, here's some red flags to look out for:

A.Antis think that the word proship means problematic ship, so they'll refer to pairings as "a proship"

Most proshippers dislike this terminology because it comes from an incorrect definition and usually avoid it

B. TikTok antis specifically come up and use a lot of emoji combos, creating meanings for them and usually adding one or two combos that are actually known to proshippers, along with some never seen before

A lot of the time they use it to identify themselves, a sign that means "I'm not actually a proshipper, just baiting"

I've also seen antis use the clover emoji in combos, inspired by the "clovergender/cloversexual" scam that 4channers came up with, to make it seem like the LGBTQ+ community was welcoming to offending pedophiles. Antis do this because they assimilate the proship label with problematic ships, mostly age gaps/underage content

C. Their account is brand new but they already follow a lot of proshippers. This is usually because they'll follow proshippers who've been posted on a blocklist, usually in the exact order that they've been listed too

If they're on Tumblr, they'll usually keep the people they follow public, so that other antis can find and harass those proshippers

D. Keep an eye on their follow list. Like stated above, they'll usually keep it public and 9 times out of 10 there will be an out of place antiship account, it's most likely their main profile/account/blog

E. They'll use their usual buzzwords on their own posts

For example, if they're trying to mimic a proselfship account they'll post pictures of underage characters and caption it things like "omg i'm such a pedo" and tag their post with proship related tags

Of course this doesn't apply to everyone, so it's always important to take context into consideration, as well as how many of these red flags may apply.

And lastly, please remember that the block button is your friend.

If someone's interacting with you and something about them seems/feels off, block and move on

[aspd-culture]

I wish I had the stereotypical aspd that empaths talk about. The calculative and well groomed businessman who’s incredibly independent even at the cost of other people.

I’m honestly a useless loser. I don’t do anything for anybody yet am livid when they don’t do something for me, 80% of the time I forget or don’t do the tasks I��ve been asked to even if it’s the simplest thing. I pass it off to other people. I get threatened by my parents constantly, called useless and a lazy fuck. I’m not motivated for anything, not employed and the thought of it makes me want to rip my skin off or rip their faces off whenever they mention it. It feels like another extension of control. Everything feels like an extension of control and an excuse to assume power over me.

People in my life are moving ahead of me no problem and I’m still stuck on my ass debating whether to break everything in my parents house when they use my lack of employment and symptoms to make fun of me. My friends talk about it like it’s just so simple to suck it up and march forward and I loathe them for it because they don’t understand.

Maybe this is just me being a whiny brat or a bad person

No, this is you struggling with being in a toxic environment - one that will continue to make you feel like this for as long as your parents act that way towards you. It's not possible to heal and recover and learn to process your symptoms and change your behavior in a toxic situation like that. It's likely keeping you in survival mode.

Truly I think in that situation the best way to get yourself to do the things you would need to do to leave the toxic situation is out of spite. Spite can do a lot for pwASPD when we harness it to use for good, since our PD is so reactive to it. If you think to yourself as though you're talking to them "ha, yeah okay sure I'm getting a job just like you wanted right? Except I'm doing it to get the hell away from you", you might find yourself more able to get to do those things. It's not guaranteed to work, but it's something that might help.

And, if it makes you feel any better, prosocials don't actually like us in that stereotype either AND generally ppl who fit that stereotype are in some other way coping destructively. No one who actually has ASPD is managing to not struggle at all with it bc a disorder can only be diagnosed if it significantly and negatively impacts your life. It's important to remember the stereotypes of this demonized disorder are made out to be supervillains - hyper capable beings who choose to be monsters - bc otherwise the prosocials have to admit that they're bullying people who are hurt and wish we could stop dealing with our symptoms just as much as they wish we didn't have them if not more. It's not fun for them anymore if they think about our actual struggles with ASPD, so they try and make it sound like we're having the time of our lives when none of us do. I promise you're far from alone.

It's also worth noting that if you find yourself entirely unable to work without your mental health destructing, that that's called a disability and there are things you can do to either get accommodations or potentially payment for it bc unlike your parents by the sounds of it, the government understands that mental health is a valid reason one might not be able to work.

You're not a useless loser - you're a person with a disorder that is known to be potentially disabling who is being mistreated and stuck in a toxic environment - at least going by this post.

Plain text below the cut:

No, this is you struggling with being in a toxic environment - one that will continue to make you feel like this for as long as your parents act that way towards you. It's not possible to heal and recover and learn to process your symptoms and change your behavior in a toxic situation like that. It's likely keeping you in survival mode.

Truly I think in that situation the best way to get yourself to do the things you would need to do to leave the toxic situation is out of spite. Spite can do a lot for pwASPD when we harness it to use for good, since our PD is so reactive to it. If you think to yourself as though you're talking to them "ha, yeah okay sure I'm getting a job just like you wanted right? Except I'm doing it to get the hell away from you", you might find yourself more able to get to do those things. It's not guaranteed to work, but it's something that might help.

And, if it makes you feel any better, prosocials don't actually like us in that stereotype either AND generally ppl who fit that stereotype are in some other way coping destructively. No one who actually has ASPD is managing to not struggle at all with it bc a disorder can only be diagnosed if it significantly and negatively impacts your life. It's important to remember the stereotypes of this demonized disorder are made out to be supervillains - hyper capable beings who choose to be monsters - bc otherwise the prosocials have to admit that they're bullying people who are hurt and wish we could stop dealing with our symptoms just as much as they wish we didn't have them if not more. It's not fun for them anymore if they think about our actual struggles with ASPD, so they try and make it sound like we're having the time of our lives when none of us do. I promise you're far from alone.

It's also worth noting that if you find yourself entirely unable to work without your mental health destructing, that that's called a disability and there are things you can do to either get accommodations or potentially payment for it bc unlike your parents by the sounds of it, the government understands that mental health is a valid reason one might not be able to work.

You're not a useless loser - you're a person with a disorder that is known to be potentially disabling who is being mistreated and stuck in a toxic environment - at least going by this post.

[atopfourthwall]

Geez Louise that was an aggressive response. I wasn't advising you on how to make everyone stop teasing you, mid level youtubers will always have jerks. I was talking about a proven method to deal with it in a healthy way- judging from your response alone I felt you needed. Think of its this way: you made that comic 17 years ago. Do you really want to be still getting SO angry and snapping at people in another 17? If not at LB but whatever else they'll come up with? But up to you, best of luck.

You're absolutely right it's an aggressive response. Maybe it was an unwarranted one... but your message was frankly unserious and unoriginal. Because your "proven method" is horseshit. "If you let people bully you, they'll stop bullying you." That's what you're recommending - be good natured about people insulting me. It is in fact not healthy to sit there and bear it and pretend I'm okay with it. I was quiet about it for a year or two before I finally started pushing back on it. I was miserable and it was affecting my mental health. They kept doing it - some because they honestly did not realize it upset me (and again, that's who the thread is for and I repeat - speaking out about is what got people to stop). But the other ones? "Do you really want to be still getting SO angry and snapping at people in another 17? If not at LB but whatever else they'll come up with?" Here is what you need to understand and I don't think you do: THESE PEOPLE DON'T FUCKING LIKE ME. They don't like my face. They don't like my voice. They don't like my show. They don't like my sense of humor. They don't like my hat. They don't like that I'm liberal. They don't like that I support LGBT+ people. They don't like that I analyze Power Rangers. They don't like me when I'm happy. They don't like me when I shout. They don't like me when I'm successful. They don't like that I was part of Channel Awesome. They don't like that I'm NOT part of Channel Awesome. They don't like my friends. They don't like me streaming. They don't like me criticizing truly awful people. They don't like when I don't dance to their little nickname. They. Don't. Like. Me. I am a joke to them - a clown, a living meme that they can throw my name out and it's an automatic laugh. I am not a person to them with thoughts and feelings and something that can be hurt. I am only real to them because they think I'm pathetic and they want to bully someone that they think is more pathetic than them. They do not and never will respect me. They see me as the guy who invented Lightbringer 17 years ago. That's it. That is all I will ever be to them... if I'm lucky, because these are the same kind of people who will try to find ANY weakness, anything that's slightly embarrassing I've said or done as a weapon... or just make up complete bullshit to attack me and make that into more memes against me, too. And the fact that you just refer to it as "teasing" me shows everything I need to know, frankly. Because that's all that it is to you - not something that was hurting me. Not something that was affecting my mental health. Not something that I respectfully ask people to stop doing because it makes me uncomfortable. Hell, your original message said I was "constantly" doing it. Two threads a couple years apart with a smattering of me asking one-on-one "Hey, can you not do this? It's actually intended as an insult." The assholes doing it to be assholes just get a block, because why the fuck would I try to engage with them? So yeah, if I'm aggressive in my response, I'm sorry, but your way is NOT healthy. Maybe my way isn't the right way for everyone, sometimes it CAN make things worse... but that's not the case for me and I get tired of bad advice from people who think they understand what's going on.

[thatruerealmwalker]

Crawls out of a hole in your wall

GET MAGICAL GIRL'ED MOTHER FUCKER!

"Despite it all, This Empty Shell still Remains." -Pre Acceptance Quote

"Within this Hollow Heart, Love Still Remains!" -Post Acceptance Quote

This is Claire Taker, a new OC I've made! And let me tell you- the origins of the OC is fucking weird.

This tainwreck of a Lady came about because I was reading @zoeywinterrose's smiling critter fanfic on A03 (which you can check out HERE), started letting THE VOICES speak through me, eventually pulled out the original story I have and made the Caretaker seen there into a fully realized character in my story (get it? Claire Taker?), told them so, found each other on tumblr, because friends(?), and they maybe sort of said yes when I said I was gonna draw the character and make and AU of their AU (in some order there, the progression of events may be off a bit)... I DON'T KNOW HOW I GOT TO THIS POINT.

So yeah, I'm gonna be both explaining this character, my own story, and having all that be loosely connected to Poppy Playtime (Again how did I get here?) So the tags are gonna be silly because of that.

Claire Taker is, as said before, a Magical Girl by the name of Heart Hollow (well Technically Magical Woman, she is pretty old but I prefer saying magical girl)... well the term for in my Canon is a "Blessed" or "Actor"... but those are the official terms, she and the others still use Magical Girl and Magical Boy (because that IS what they are)

And yes! There are both Magical Boys and Girls in this World!

Claire Fights with her Fists and Legs, being a close range brawler, as well as fights with her threads. She uses them in a variety of ways, from creating points to jump, pulling things to her or pulling herself to them, wrapping up targets, or even sometimes using them a whips.

Her Threads are also capable of Stitching people back together and healing them! Apparently the world thinks this means she should be one of the few to get constantly injured, needing to reattach her limbs in the middle of fights sometimes! (or it could be seen as caused by her low self worth as well). I mean look at all of those scars! And those are just the ones she couldn't fully heal for different reasons, she gets hurt alot! ("Better then letting one the kids take the hit" she would say)

Her mental health isn't the best, but it gets really bad when she is alone- Luckily, she's gained the trust of the Parents of the three kid members of Her group to look after them while their at work- as well as fostering the teens when they need somewhere private to hand out. (Her home is like one of 2 unofficial team bases)

At this point, almost everyone who isn't an adult (and two who are like 18-19) calls her Auntie- which she is still getting used too.

After finally getting into a far more okay mindset, she takes to jogging and exercise in her free time. She even helps the younger of the team practice fighting forms and working out when they train at all.

She actually owns a good few properties thanks to her parents- and after her depression weakened she put them up for rent. After a while (and learning how to duplicate cash with Starlight from the group's resident self appointed "Chaotic Gremlin") she was able to start getting a good amount of cash saved up for when the group needs a break or wants to go somewhere fun- (The cost is usually split between her and the other full Adult in the group most of the time).

She still has episodes where her is very not okay (like panic attacks or just bad thoughts)- but it never gets to the point where she feels like hurting herself at all anymore. It helps that one of the kids, the team's unofficial mascot, lets himself be her comfort animal when she has these episodes (and while he hates to admit it, he does enjoy her hugs)

That's all for now! If your interest in more of this original story, let me know!.. Though it probably won't be tagged under Smiling critters next... unless I make William apart of this then it will!

A full view of her plot is down below if your interested in that as well- Anyways thanks for reading this and maybe what lies below, and I hoped this sparked your interest/was a fun read all the same! I think I got an AU to write now!

Claire Taker's Story:

(Content Warning! This gets a bit dark!)

Claire Taker used to be a Person of Joy, living life as Happy as any other- even had Children she cherished most dearly... however one day- in a series of events, Claire loses her kids, be it an Accident or something far worse. Believing herself to be solely at fault, she shut down, remaining within her home and rarely leaving. At first those closest to them attempt to help, as it does, even if She rarely talked or interacted. Just being with others helped to keep her afloat...

But she was abandoned- left alone... and that is what sealed her fate. For a long time- years, close to Ten even, she drowned. She lost her smile, her kindness, her emotions, her Love. She tried, and try she did to get better... but she still drowned all the same.

She made many half attempts on her life- and the one time she fully went through with it- she only lived because she forgot to turn off the Safety on the Gun. This attempt was on the day, when she was so close to pulling herself back together that she was reminded of her kids- undoing all the work she did to get better at a single moment (one the prolonged her deep depression for a few more years-)

Eventually, upon one better day Claire spent shopping with a local mall for much needed supplies for her bare home, a Star fell from the Sky and landed nearby. From it formed a Matrix, and Starlight Leaked into the world. The pure, unfiltered and uncontrolled Starlight, the Blood of Creation, tainted the area in its presence, and Claire. The Building Creaked and Groaned as Starlight lashed into the populace surrounding. Many ran as the structure began to collapse around them...

And Yet Claire stepped forward, Drawn in by the Star.

Even while her body warped, as fur sprouted from her skin and monstrous claws ripped out from between her fingers. As her bones cracked and shattered before being reformed. As the demented whispers that long accompanied her gained form, breaking out from Claire's back and ripping into her flesh-

She reached the center, Where the Fallen Star has landed and with her last bit of strength before she became tainted under Starlight, reached out and touched the Glowing Star within the Epicenter-

And Starlight gathered and condensed, leaving her body, the surrounding air, and returning herself from the Monstrous form it was trying to become- And within her hands laid her Matrix, a Softly glowing heart floating between her palms.

A Stranger came to her one day, and promised her he would grant her most wanted wish "To return your children to you" in exchange for gathering as much Starlight she could.

She, like many other Actors, believed his word, and walked forward with a long lost flame in her eyes, ready to do Anything to get her children back.

Even after learning there was others like her (most of them teenagers or young adults), even after learning that many of the monsters she is fighting against and killed to gather Starlight (the Tainted or Cursed) were once people, even after she learned that should she actually get her wish- she would have to kill the other Blessed and steal their Starlight- She continued on.

It was only when the Three Children amongst the Blessed stood against her to protect their older peers then she questioned if what she was doing was worth it- if ignoring the signs that something was wrong was worth it- if her once beloved children would accept being brought back through the blood of others- if she could really kill these three if it was required of her.

It was from there, after giving up and fleeing that she changed from an antagonist to a protector akin to Tuxedo Mask for the Blessed- more so the Three kids that fought in this battle than the other Blessed.

It was here that Claire was taught how to tell if a Cursed was made from a person, animal, or object/fully made from Starlight as well as how to defeat the Tainted without killing the Person or Creature within. She learned that gathering Starlight is unneeded, and should she continue to gather Starlight like she has- she would only overwhelm her Matrix and become a Cursed herself. She learned how to truly use Starlight, how to prevent herself from Tainting someone on accident, and how to dispose of unneeded Starlight safely.

She was slowly pulled into the Group, being one of the Few Actors to listen and stop the senseless fighting between them. Even when she fell and broke, these Bright Souls dragged Claire along, taking her on their group adventures away from the Magic within their lives. Exploring the town, eating at an Café, enjoying the park. Slowly but surely, she became apart of this group, of the team who fought against the darkness that surrounded them.

The rest of the Blessed, especially the younger of them, started to call Claire 'Auntie'.

However, there was one final truth all of them avoided telling Claire, the final Lie told to Claire about the situation, even if in the depths of her heart she knew the answer herself yet feared to speak it aloud in vain hope for it not to be true.

That there was no Wish- That it was the ploy of The Man who Thought Himself God to either gather followers and resources or spark war between those who could threaten his goals and attempt to turn them into monsters- a Truth that they all knew could break Claire, steal her reason for continuing to live, to stand up tall.

They were going to, right after they handled this newest Tainted... but The Man who Thought Himself God appeared near the battles end... and with a smile, knowing Claire's history of mental health, and the reasons for it, held her by the throat while floating in the air, while Claire thrashed and fought with all of her might, while her allies called out in fear and rushed to save her, whispered in her Ear- "I lied~ There is no Wish, no reversing your most heinous Sin. Your children will never come back- for you killed them. They are gone and you killed them."

Claire SHATTERED then and there. Once again all of the work she put into getting better, doing better shattered- and as The Man who Thought Himself God threw her from high above towards the ground- Starlight, once Shining, became fully black- And the Blessed became Cursed under the weight of Despair-

Mother Gospel: The Harbinger of Mourning was born- as so her fellow Blessed fought, and after a long an almost lethal fight, where the extent of Claire's grief and broken heart was bared to the world, the ones who claimed her as their own, with all they had, ripped Claire out of her Depression made Manifest, and saved her from her fate.

Amongst the broken building, Claire laid as her Heart, once healing, was now torn apart once more as she cried tears of sorrow... and then she was hugged by the most youngest of them... then the other children joined in, all crying and making sure their Auntie was okay. The older kids of the Group joined in as well, despite two having to be dragged within. And even the young adults sat nearby and showed their love for Claire-

And that was what it was- Claire was LOVED, and she could Love in return. She was not Alone anymore, and so the dam burst within her and she cried and screamed and hugged back as sadness and joy danced within her. Her Hollow Heart had become not so Hollow anymore.

It took time, but somewhat soon Claire stood, still in mourning of her lost children, still not fully okay, but she could finally move on, she could finally live with those who saved her from that Sea that engulfed her and gave her warmth and belonging.

And so she fought, and even now fights, against those that would bring about the horrors she went through upon to others with the family formed under the Light of the Stars.

[borderline-culture-is]

CW Vent ///

BPD Culture is having your FP and only actual friend (who also has BPD) get mad at and completely ignore you because you've been sick and tired and working more to actually survive and absolutely spiraling and splitting on them after attempts to apologize and talk go unanswered while they continue to post on other accounts like they haven't done fucking worse than this multiple fucking times to me

it's not fair. They have days where they're asleep all day and don't talk to me at all or ghost me all day because they're not doing well or they're ignoring me for others or they even refuse to talk about anything else other than how bad they feel. I understand, ignore my own emotions and tell them it's okay and to take care of themselves and to do things that make them happy. But once MY physical and mental health is getting worse and I'm struggling with constantly being alone because of my work schedule, suddenly I'M the bad guy and need to be purposely ignored! Even when I try to make it up and apologize for making them feel that way!

It's not fair. It's not fucking fair but I don't want to throw 8 years away, I'm scared of being alone so I'll suck it up and hope things get better soon. They're all I have, I'm saving up for big gifts that we talked about me getting them, I don't have anyone else, especially in real life and I'm scared and tired and angry. I just want my friend back even if right now I fucking hate their guts.

-🪡🎶(I'm sorry this was so long..)

ur ok op

[reilleclan-blog]

Ngl I really hate really really hate the shit I went thru and go thru. And ik ppl make jokes about "being traumatized adds lore" but that shit is so corny and I think ppl don't understand at all what suffering alone is really like and mind u there's been so many ppl in this world that have taken abuse but were never able to find a support system or anyone to care for them so they just continued to suffer.

For a long time I didn't even think anything was "wrong" with me I just thought everything was my fault and if I do "x, y,z" I'll get the love I deserve. That clearly ain't happen ... TW I was molested multiple times as a kid by my own family members and for so long I repressed it. Or thought that was ok to happen to me. I never told anyone or felt safe enough to tell anyone. And as I got older I had to deal with learning to love and hate and come to terms with a lot of stuff on my own.

I was beat heavily as a kid my dad wasn't around much and even when he was it always felt like I was a burden one way or another. I never felt like I mattered to my parents or my family and even when it came to school I was bullied for a while. Again I suffered so much on my own.. still suffering and it makes me wonder to this day if none of this had happened to me would I actually be able to trust someone with my heart. To trust someone with my life, to trust men in general, to trust my black community, ppl look at me as if idk. Like ppl say I'm "better than them" in reality I'm just dissociating. I'm trying to make it thru the day.

After I left home years ago(I'm back) but after I left and my grandma died, the thoughts constantly haunt me and I can't forget the bad things that happened to me. I can't love properly I can't even help myself. I feel alone all the time and I try to act like I'm fine but my past haunts me everyday. I confront it and idk ppl that really know me would call me strong and smart but I don't feel it. I just feel trapped. I'd say I wished fucked up shit never happened to me but I can't turn my time. So this is my life, constantly feeling misunderstood, unloved, unsupported.. but yeah "trauma adds lore" do ppl know what trauma is ptsd? And the fact is idk how I'm still whole idk how I still find my self trying to exist thru this mess. I guess I feel like obito when the 10tails was taking over his consciousness but he somehow remained obito because he remembered his sense of self or whatever. But idk why do I even do it. For what most of the ppl I love are dead died all within the same years and I'm supposed to just keep going. Literally for what . Also I envy the ppl that never got molested by their family, I envy the ppl that don't have fucked up intrusive thoughts BECAUSE OF THAT MOLESTATION. I envy the ppl that can afford something I could never when I was super poor growing up. Why is this world so fucking cruel. I hate this place

"My intrusive thoughts win" yeah u can't even imagine how fucked up someone's mind can be from this shit but every little mental health issue is turned into some joke all the time. Especially if ur a black girl that self diagnoses herself as autistic .. I swear it's like ppl don't know real struggle a lot of ppl love to cosplay that this world is so fucking weird man. I wish I wasn't me maybe

[neurodiversebones]

so almost everyone in the squint squad has established childhood trauma (brennan, booth, sweets), what was all of their mental health like when they were younger? how did they cope? i hope you're doing alright!!!

OH i really adore this question !!! i <3 angst potential and i love these mf's sad backstories . gonna be honest, this is darker than most things i've posted before. it's mostly based on my own experiences and the experiences of a lot of my close friends- i'm gonna put a trigger warning for mention of abuse, self harm, eating disorders , substance abuse (drugs and alcohol), and suicide under the read more . please take care of yourselves !!! nothing is given graphic detail, but use your judgement and please don't read if it'll trigger you . i love you !!!

this evolved past just . their younger years and kind of became their Journeys with their mental health . i have a lot of thoughts pls ask me more about this omg :-))

i wrote so fucking much about this btw . i didn't know i had that many thoughts about this until i started writing and couldn't stop . my brain is Buzzing with angst for them .

brennan : brennan's mental health was always a little rocky, since she really struggled with loneliness in school, and didn't have many friends . as a kid, she never really understood why people didn't like her. she knew there was something different about her, but she couldn't see why people were so mean to her- the bullying lasted pretty much from the time she started school to graduation, and it was hell. a lot of adults didn't believe her or want to help her, and so she spent a lot of her childhood thinking that it was her fault she felt so alone. she didn't get to experience friendships as a kid, and despite learning being her favourite thing in the world, school was never a safe place for her.

however , once her parents left it got a Lot worse- the abandonment, and subsequent abuse she experienced in foster care, is what triggered her to develop ptsd. she was in some really bad homes- we get a few of the details in canon (like the family that locked her in the trunk of a car for breaking a dish), but there was always more. some were outright violently abusive, like that one, some were neglectful, and some, while not actively horrible, made it very clear that they didn't care much for her and she wasn't really a part of their family. she struggled with a lot of depression and hopelessness in her teen years because of this- the abuse was really difficult to deal with, and she turned to self harm and an eating disorder as a way to give herself some control over the situation. she spent almost all her time hiding away in her room studying, so between that and the constantly chaotic living situations, nobody even noticed what she was doing to herself. a social worker made her do therapy once, but she refused to speak the entire session, and continued to do so until she was allowed to quit. it hurt her, that nobody cared enough to notice that she was hurting herself, but she didn't want to ask for help because she refused to rely on anyone else after she'd already been abandoned once.

this, along with passive suicidality, followed her into adulthood, especially because she refused to address the problem or seek help. even for a good part of canon (really, up until season 6), we see her struggle with her mental health, struggling to understand the trauma she experienced as well as struggling to comprehend that even with all of that in her past, she can have positive relationships. her friendships helped her a lot though !! her friends at the jeffersonian were pretty much the first time in her life she wasn't... alone. this, along with actually finally seeking out help (therapy and meds), helped her to recover so she could finally feel Alive again (a big motivation for her was so that she could be a good mom to christine and hank <3) .

booth : we know from canon that booth has ptsd and experienced suicidal thoughts in his childhood . the trauma of the abuse from his dad fucked him up a lot- when he was a kid, he didn't really let it show, since he was in survival mode. he tried to be the best he could, be charming and happy and smart, both to avoid the abuse and to make sure nobody found out, since it was guaranteed that would make it worse. once he and jared were finally able to escape it and go live with their grandfather, it was the first time he actually let himself feel those feelings, and it was bad. his trauma manifested through anger- he wanted to hurt his dad for the torture he put them through, but he couldn't, so he took it out on himself instead. i think he struggled a lot with self harm in his youth and teen years, and continued to struggle with suicidal thoughts. he attempted, once, in highschool, but just woke up the next morning and pretended everything was fine. none of his friends ever knew he was hurting, most of them didn't even know about what he'd gone through as a kid. but his grandfather found the note in his room that day and talked to him about it when he got home, and he cried for probably the first time in years. that's what got him to finally accept help- he didn't realize how bad it was until that conversation.

another thing that was really triggering for him was alcohol- he was a football player, and all his friends were party boys. they drank a lot, and he usually avoided it. the most he ever had was a single beer, since he was terrified of losing control and being like his father. there was one time he got wasted- it was at a party, and he stumbled home that night. jared was in the kitchen, getting something to eat . booth was about 16 then, so jared was only 12 or 13. jared saw that he was drunk, and completely froze in fear, completely having a flashback. this fucked booth up- he was absolutely terrified of drinking from there on out, and was pretty much 100% sober until he was out of college.

angela : angela's mental health was pretty good until her late teen years (around 16). she had good friends, lots of hobbies, and she was really close with her dad. we don't know what happened to her mom, but i suspect it wasn't anything good- either she died when angela was young, or left. angela had some Issues with that, but it wasn't a huge deal for most of her life, since it had almost always been just her and her dad. when she was about sixteen though, things got rough- this is when her bipolar started, and it was really hard. she would cycle really rapidly in between manic and depressive episodes, and had some really terrifying mixed episodes as well (which can be really dangerous). she started getting more self destructive too- she developed an eating disorder around this time (bulimia), and started engaging in a lot of reckless behaviour that she could excuse by being a "party girl". she would binge drink, experiment with drugs, have reckless sex, etc. people worried about her, but she didn't even understand how dangerous any of it was until she hit rock bottom right at the end of her junior year. she was wildly depressed, and could barely get out of bed- her dad pulled her out of school, and she spent the last month of the school year just trying to get better. he cancelled a bunch of tour dates just to be with her and help her recover, and with a lot of help, things did start to get better.

her senior year, she didn't feel like going back to the place that had her so ill. and so she did her final year through homeschool, and spent it on the road with her dad. this was the best decision she ever made- it's where she fell in love with art, painting all the beautiful things she saw and learning to express how she was feeling through creation rather than destruction. when she goes to college the next year , she's in a MUCH more stable place and although she still struggles, she's much better at coping.

hodgins : hodgins started struggling with his mental health at a pretty young age (like, early middle school), but because of his families status, it was frowned upon to talk about. he didn't understand what was going on with him, just that he was so, so angry and sad all the time. he thought that something was wrong with him, that he was broken in some way, but he knew instinctively that it was something he wasn't supposed to talk about. he realized he was trans sometime around this age too, which really impacted his mental health- his dysphoria was really bad at this time, since there was nothing he could do about it. he had to keep his hair long, wear the "girls" uniform at school, act like a "proper lady" when his family was around. there was so much anger and sadness inside of him that he just didn't understand or know what to do with, which lead to a long battle with self harm that continued into his adulthood. his parents were aware of this, they just... wanted to ignore it until it went away.

when he was an older teenager, there was more he could do- he chopped all his hair off, which infuriated his parents, and was constantly in detention in school for refusing to wear the "proper" uniform. he wouldn't respond to his deadname, only jack, which got him in a lot of shit both in school and at home. he was already hurting himself as a way to rebel against this, but turned to drinking and drugs as another way to say "fuck you" to his family and the life he never felt like he belonged in. he fell in with a rougher crowd, since they were the only ones who understood and accepted him, and got into a bunch of trouble as a teen. he doesn't like to think back on those years. through university, he cleaned up his act a little, but really only on the outside. he was still wildly depressed, drinking, and so goddamn angry. it wasn't until he found his passion in school that he really started to care about his life- but once he found it, he realized he really did want to live. it was still really fucking hard, but he started to try to get better. he stayed mostly no-contact with his family, and started engaging in life more, trying to find hobbies and friends and have relationships that didn't revolve around just suffering and surviving together.

cam : cam grew up with a big pressure to be the perfect child placed upon her- she was the oldest daughter, and spent her whole childhood being "the smart one". she was really popular too, and from the outside looked like she had everything. but she really struggled with loneliness, and didn't feel like she fit in anywhere due to her undiagnosed autism and the pressure to constantly mask. the pressure of keeping up with her friends, of having perfect grades, of getting into the perfect school, of making her parents proud... caught up with her a lot once she was in her mid-late teen years. her eating disorder started around 15, and it offered her a huge sense of control in a world where she didn't feel like she had much- it was the easiest way to get away with hurting herself too. and it got her the approval and praise she wanted so badly- she looked like she was being healthy, and everyone praised her for how "good" she looked. it helped her fit in.

speaking of fitting in, her loneliness and the pressure to mask was really hard in highschool. sure, she had lots of friends, but she didn't feel like she connected with a single one of them. she knew there was something different about her, but she just couldn't figure out what it was. and so, she did everything in her power to try seem "normal". her friends were big party-goers, and so she would be too. she would drink... a somewhat concerning amount at parties. it was the only time she wasn't stressing about looking "right", about acting "normal". she was fun, and bubbly, and people liked her. boys liked her, her friends were too drunk to care that she was so obviously different to them, and she wasn't worried for once in her life. it doesn't help that alcohol and restrictive eating disorders is a known Really Bad Combination.

her ocd was also a big part of why she needed so much control in her life- her ocd started in childhood, around age 9. people thought she was just an anxious kid and a bit of a drama queen, but it was really scary for her. she had a lot of intrusive thoughts about the people around her getting hurt, and so her compulsions were really urgent and terrifying because she was so scared of things being her fault. in her teen years, her ocd fed into her ed a lot, but it also isolated her even further- she was so scared of being ostracized that she never enjoyed herself and . it sucked, to be the person who was always smiling but never really felt happy.

[tkeyahwrotethis]

I remember, I remember when I lost my mind. There was something so pleasant about that place.

I met someone new in group today.

I feel so boring compared to these other ladies... lol which is kind of a relief.

The lady I matched up with today was... married. With actually a really nice ring. I'm super curious to know like why... is a married woman in a counseling group for single mothers?

She explained to me that she and her husband had known each other since they were teenagers. He was her first love and once they were in college they started struggling with substance abuse. She got help for her issues but his mental health got really bad, worse than hers, even though they both suffer from mental illness. He started becoming emotionally and physically abusive towards her and then she got pregnant and it somehow got even worse. Their child is 3 now. She realized he was never going to change because she tried to get him therapy and on medication to help him and he never wanted the help. He started being resentful of her and blaming her for things that could in no way be her fault if she tried but he needed a scapegoat.

"I sat him down as my best friend, someone I known for half my life and told him I needed a divorce because he's hurting our family. we both cried about it but he understood and told me he'd give me what I wanted. Why did this nigga start acting SUPER CRAZY. He started doing things that made the cops have to pick him up and admit him into mental health facilities for months at a time so he wouldn't have to legally sign the divorce papers"

(I chucked because that's literally so hilarious)

"She's like that's where we're at right now. I beg him and plead to him to sign the papers, we cry, and he agrees and says he will do whatever I want him to do, he wants me to move on and be happy then he goes and does some crazy shit that he goes away and never signs the fucking divorce papers. I feel like he's making me crazy again because why won't he just sign the papers?

Fast forward to today, I've moved out and I consider us separated even though he won't legally divorce me. I'm truly hurt by everything he's put me through but I decided to start dating. I connected with this guy he just got out of a toxic relationship with his bm, and they have 2 kids together. I have real feelings for this new guy but there's some red flags. He constantly compares me to his babymother when it comes to how I choose to raise my daughter and run my house but in the same breath will say he wishes he met me before he met her. It gets annoying. Then whenever my bd is home I try to get him help, I try to get him to sign the papers, and I'm still wearing the ring. So I'm not perfect either because I know that annoys my boyfriend. Like I always have one foot out the door in my old life."

She started looking to me asking for advice.

I basically told her that the easy answer is she needs to leave her bd alone. you cannot reason with crazy people. they will never feel like they're in the wrong. he's blaming you for shit that could never be your fault... but she kept making excuses for her bd so I feel like she's not closing the door on him right now.

I told her I don't really know my bd that well, random tinder hookup. He doesn't want to be a father so I'm doing it alone. I showed her pictures of my baby. She was like wow she's so beautiful she looks like a white version of you !! that made me giggle.

I kept thinking to myself .... what kinda sex mentally ill people be having lol

[daz4i]

ok one last suicide post for today and i swear i'll try to be more chill after that. emphasis on try

(fair warning this is very whiny and negative) (also tw for somewhat graphic death stuff)

i am sooooo done with everything. it's nothing new, i just. can't stand being alive for even one more day. getting out of bed was so hard today bc what's even the point. and tomorrow i actually have some shit to do and i'm already exhausted. already have been exhausted for a few days. i hate routines i hate that every week is the same i hate that the only shit that can spice it up is like, medical appointments. i look at my calendar and i see i have nothing to look forward to and nothing going on besides usual shit + medical shit. and i'm tired of those too. and i'm back to being in pain every day so it feels like all the food changes i made were for nothing and I've just been extra suffering for nothing bc i'm still. in fucking. pain.

and like beyond the personal shit i'm also done with bigger stuff too! i'm tired of the war i'm tired of seeing so much suffering in the world i'm tired of seeing loved ones going to funerals of ppl in their 20s. i'm tired of people dismissing this pain bc there are other bigger issues, or because our lives don't matter bc the number of losses is lower (or bc they just fucking hate us and can't see us as individual humans rather than some homogeneous group). i'm tired of seeing ppl i love care less about other lives bc of this, too. i don't want to live here. i hate this country so much. i can't leave, i can't even manage to leave my parents' house. i'm scared to live here. i'm scared to live anywhere else bc everywhere in the world is unsafe for ppl like me. everywhere sucks. everything in the world sucks so much. anything that can be beautiful gets taken away or destroyed. the world is becoming worse every day in every conceivable way.

and there's no point to any of this! there's no point in trying to get better or to make things better!!! BECAUSE the world is going to shit!!! what's the point in me making my mental health better (an already very unlikely task to fulfill) if there's nowhere for me to live. what's the point in working in the only field i can handle if i won't be able to make a living off it. what's the point in trying to build a life of my own if it'll never really be mine anyway, bc i can't fucking do anything, i can't even do basic shit like eating or sleeping like a normal person, i can't walk or stand for too long, i can't be outside for so many reasons, i can't talk to people and i can't handle being alone, i'm always in pain and constantly nauseous no matter what i do or how i try to fix it, nothing about my body works right and especially not my brain that can't fucking do anything right and only keeps working to make everything about me worse. i wish i was brave enough to just stab myself or smth. preferably in the head so i can shut that brain up for once. i wish i was brave enough to jump off the 9th floor. i wish i could drown myself or cut myself till i bleed to death or. i don't know. i just want to die. i can't stand being alive. there is too much bad and the specks of good are so fleeting that they're not worth it, not to mention come with their own bad stuff usually. and all this. all this bad is just too much for me to handle. but it's a natural part of life that i can't avoid (tbf, most people don't staight up suffer to the point of wanting to die from like, eating or going to the bathroom, so it's probably easier for them). i was not meant to be alive i was not built to be alive i wish i died in the who knows how many times i almost did i wish i drowned as a kid i wish i bled to death when i split my head open i wish my heart actually stopped pumping blood when it almost did i wish that truck ran into me and killed me on the spot i wish the fucking terrorists shot me or stabbed me and made sure i was dead i wish those 30 pills would've actually done something. i'm so tired. i hate this. i hate being alive. i hate life itself. i'm done with everything i can't handle it anymore. i wish i wasn't a coward so i could at least try to die again. or someone was willing to kill me. or anything. i just. i can't.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

tw self harm eating disorder suicide ? mention and mostly mental health issues

My childhood was fucked up. in many many ways, yet i can never tell if it was traumatic...

mental health issues started when i was 7-8.

had psychotic symptoms (believing people could read my mind or were spying on me, severe paranoia when i was outside, believing people were going to do bad things to me and heard footsteps behind me constantly) along w disocciation to the point i saw myself in third person, almost throw myself out of a window in a second floor because i thought i was in a dream and i needed to wake up.

i never felt real, it never felt like me in the mirror, or if my parents were actually my parents, i was so disconnected.

i started cutting when i was 10, had an eating disorder between the ages of 10-12, friends would also cut, we had weekly exams/revisions? where we saw eachothers arms and to see if we had cut or not.

we would comfort eachother, we would try and ''help'' eachother (taking out sharpeners/sharp things out of our pencil cases) while we were only 11-12-13

i never felt safe

i never played with kids everyday, i never had fun everyday, i was in house, locked, because of severe social phobia.

had depression, along with tourette's which my mom was deeply ignorant about and would yell and scould me, dad was absent for some of the years, he's good now, mom too, we have a good relationship,

yet i've always felt like grieving, for mourning a childhood, because i feel like i never had one, there were things i never did like playing w friends outside school, i visited one of my friend's house, one time, andd felt awful so i had to leave, or having a pajama party, at this age i still cry sometimes and i just want to give my younger me a hug, a kiss on the forehead and tell her everything eventually will be okay, even if it now isn't.

i just, wish i were happy, i see a happy kid and i'm like, idk, why couldn't i be like that? why couldn't i be healthy? i spent my childhood in hospitals, clinics, etc etc, for many many reasons, physical and mental issues.

does this counts as trauma?

thank you.

Hi anon,

I'm so sorry about everything you've been through and please know that you're not alone. These experiences absolutely can count as trauma. You've been through a multitude of traumatic things such as eating disorders, self harm, psychotic symptoms, depression, and more. It's understandable to envy others' happiness considering the context of your experiences. In many ways you've missed out on your childhood and it's okay to mourn that.

It's good that you can somewhat envision your child self and how you would treat them, because healing the child self can be an essential step forward. If you can access or afford it, a mental health professional could best help you process your trauma and work with you along your healing journey.

I hope I could help and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[alextheavoidant]

I posted this as a reply to someone on YouTube under a video about the 8 Passengers situation. Thought I'd share it here because why not.

I feel like I should put a trigger warning here as this post discusses child abuse, but now that I think of it my whole blog probably needs a trigger warning...

Post:

I was also badly abused growing up and this is something I'm just now starting to come to terms with. My parents were divorced when I was five and my father claims he tried to get custody of my siblings and I, but the truth is he didn't want to be a single father and having three little kids to take care of would have gotten in the way of his drinking and partying lifestyle. I never knew my mothers side of the family because she's pretty much been estranged from them since before I was born. But I remember when my sister died from a drug overdose the whole side of my dads family were suddenly so sad about what we went through growing up and would say things like "We tried to give you some sense of normalcy. We always invited you to Christmas and the holidays." As if they were doing us some kind of favor for letting us come to family gatherings.

The worst part is I didn't have to wonder if they knew. I knew they knew because I remember being very vocal about what was happening to us our entire childhood. But every time I tried to tell someone it seemed like they would either turn away and pretend they didn't hear me or make some kind of joke like "Oh yeah, that's your mother. She's crazy. Ha ha ha." or a dismissive "Well, she's the only mother you're ever gonna have, so you gotta love her." or what I feel is one of the most damaging things you can put in an abused child's mind, "I know it may not seem like it, but she loves you in her own way." No one seemed to be worried back then.

The other worst part is instead of being understanding about the ways the abuse has effected us and maybe trying to help us get our lives together, these same people who turned a blind eye to it now have the audacity to judge us for not being "successful", their definition of success being having a great career, lots of money, nice house, nice car, nice marriage with three perfectly behaved, straight A students. We're supposed to be perfect like all of them pretend to be. Just supposed to magically not be affected by any of the abuse and neglect we suffered growing up so that they can pretend it never happened so they don't have to feel guilty about the fact that they knew we were living in a house with a raging alcoholic without food and clean clothes half the time and they did nothing about it. It wasn't *their* responsibility to protect us. Now that we're adults its *our* responsibility to fix ourselves and stop "playing innocent", blaming the family and making them look bad. The only reason we can't is obviously because we're just too inherently defective. Because of course we are. We're "just like our mother". We have her genes. And the kicker? I'm constantly told to "rise above my raising" while also being told I'm "screwing up" my niece because I can't afford to take her out to eat all the time and shit like that. Literal mind fuck.

And yet, the most bizarre part is, the more progress I make in my recovery, as I have been diagnosed with several mental health issues including a severe anxiety disorder (AvPD), the harder and harder they seem to want to come down on me. Like it's not enough that I've spent years in therapy trying to get my life straight, that I'm raising AND homeschooling my sisters child, whom she abandoned long before she passed away. It's not enough just that I survived that hell and I'm still here and I'm not an addict or in jail or on the street. I'm just not getting better fast enough, and that annoys them. They don't want to hear about my recovery because they don't want to acknowledge how fucked up I actually am, and how much work its taking to even try to achieve some sense of normalcy, let alone have a "successful" life and career, according to their standards. My very existence is a stain on the security blanket of lies they wrap themselves up in so they can sleep at night. And they really don't like that.

[cynicalrecoverysociety]

big ol journal/life post

I am feeling . . . . a bit weird lately. I'm not like completely off track. I went on my first vacation in years (precluded by a terrible mental health week from both me and my partner, plus mandatory OT at work and still had to make costumes) so pretty much by the time I left for vacation I was a complete wreck. Luckily, I had an amazing time and I came back quite restored. It was still my birthday week (plus still have mandatory OT at work) so we still celebrated and took it easy when I came back. No working out, plenty of frozen food/eating out. My partner's mental health is still very hit and miss (mostly miss honestly, he is always fighting and trying and it's just never easy for him and it hurts my heart) and of course I still have mandatory OT for the foreseeable future. So I'm working 12 hour shifts these days (thankful for the holidays and vacation making that a little easier) but it still sucks and stuff. Just have a lot of little life stuff that needs to happen too. Like I have a physical coming up and I'm going to address my bleeding problem which I've been putting off for years and I'm very anxious and scared. And I need to get my records and send them to my HR dept for my healthcare discount. I still need to clean all kinds of things from the trip still, have costumes littering the house. My partner is struggling a bit and I'm incapable of just trusting him and leaving him alone. And at the same time he could use the support but with all the extra hours it's hard for me to help. He doesn't want me to, he didn't ask me to, I just fret over him. I'm constantly waffling and stressing about how much I should help him vs myself and how much me fretting over him actually helps vs hurts us both. Balance is hard to find and harder to maintain. We theoretically will get married in the next few months but I'm not even sure I can handle planning that. Or he can. The main thing he needs from me is my trust that he is a ln adult human who can handle it but sometimes he isn't and I make my life impossible by trying to both smooth over the edges to help him but not too much. I think the main problem is me not him though. And then there is the state of the world which I try to largely ignore so I don't get overwhelmed and kill myself.

I am dissatisfied with my eating habits the last few weeks. Vacation, birthday and thanksgiving (plus mandatory OT) has made it easy for me to over eat and indulge in almost anything at almost any time. It's been pretty shameful but I'm trying not to feel too much shame because it was vacation but it's gone on far too long. We are already half way on track with that it just doesn't feel that real yet. And my brother brought up carbs and stuff during Thanksgiving and it wasn't that bad and not judgey at all but I'm really sensitive to that kind of thing so now I'm here like "I am a bad person for eating bread and potatoes ever" and just trying to work through that and not go low carb because my bother said he didn't want to bring home rolls for tiny sandwiches because he tries to limit carbs. Also my brother is the only normal weight person in my family so it goes extra hard.

Anyway. Feeling kinda like shit. Feeling like I need to do 100000 things at once when what I really need to do is calm the fuck down and focus on work, maybe try for a workout today, and perhaps do one of my other tasks.

Ugh. Life is hard right now. At least I got that raise.

[tiredspades]

Hi?

So this is my first blog (and time sharing writing and stuff online) but here goes.

I'm gonna go by Spades on here because I don't entirely know what I'm going to be writing about and I figure that's a safer option (especially considering I'm a trans dude in America). I also don't really expect people to read this so there will be a lot of rants about mental health, music, gayness and overall "cringy shit".

SO..lets start off good with a mental rant

Having undiagnosed mental issues is a very interesting experience. My dad and family all have ADHD, so most think I have that. Unfortunately, every diagnosis for almost every neurological disorder fits me to a fucking t. Autism? Yup. ADHD? Bet. ADD? Probably. PTSD? OCD? Why the hell not. The problem with being undiagnosed is that most people just assume you're weird. Which, to give them the benefit of the doubt, I am on many levels. But actually going through the process of being diagnosed is a pain in the ass, especially when your dad has ADHD, your mom doesn't focus on you enough to actually set that up let alone be involved in your mental health, and the nearest clinic that can ACTUALLY diagnose me is over an hour away and 100-200 dollars. Yay! It gets even better when you factor in the fact that the only things I'm actually somewhat officially diagnosed with are anxiety and depression, meaning even if I could I'd just be freaking out and also too "tired" to go.

It's just a lot. Some days are fine. To most people, I'm fine. I have friends, I have a girlfriend, I have a decent dad and I'm passing my classes. I guess that's the problem with being in your own head all the time, is that most don't see it. They don't see the alarms going off in my head when someone raises their voice and the struggle to not sob or cement my eardrums. They don't see the fact that my brain never turns off and is having racing thoughts almost constantly. They don't see that I get so burnt out and depressed on the weekends that I lay in bed for majority of the time, watching my room get filled with trash and dirty clothes and dust while my brain is too overwhelmed to do anything about it and my body's too tired to care. I sound emo as fuck but no one fully gets it, or they do and I just can't tell them. It's so stupid to feel upset that no one understands when you don't tell them, but what's the alternative? Rant and rave about my pathetic mental state while they struggle with their own shit? Why am I special enough to take up that space, to sit and rant while they deal with shit I can't even imagine?

Even if I did, how the fuck do you explain that? "Yeah sorry I didn't answer your texts for 4 days, I've been paralyzed in my bed while my mind calls me a useless fat ugly weirdo, questions my gender 5 times, and makes up arguments for a hypothetical debate with Donald Trump before realizing nothing I do will change my future for the next four years and however long after. My bad! Oh and I had a panic attack over a dramatized recounting of my girlfriend not answering my texts which 100% is because she despises me and thinks I'm a disgusting freak. How was your weekend?"

It's a lot and there aren't many good ways to explain it. My brain is like an old computer trying to play Netflix, Spotify, and load a modded Minecraft server. I've been trying to figure it out, and music helps. Drawing the things and people I love, reading, and apparently writing helps. I just hope I can learn how to reboot before it crashes.

[cryoriku]

hey you know it's really awesome and cool when ur a grown adult and after getting in a fight with ur mother who still insists on disrespecting and mocking you at any chance, ur adoptive father who has only ever been a source of fear since you were very little calls and instead of screaming at you he's very level and is legitimately concerned about my mental state.

some of his takes are still very shitty. even tho i routinely try the pacifist approach with her she can't stop mocking me and disregarding my boundaries and he acknowledges how aggressive she can be, he still puts the burden on me to be better and suck it up for the sake of maintaining a relationship (which is bs. both sides need to work or i shouldnt have to put up with it after all the abuse i dealt with as a child). and he thinks i need to just get back on meds which is such a backwards stereotype way of thinking that isnt accurate bc i stopped my last new meds bc they didnt really do much for me and gave me bad side effects.

it makes me feel like shit and embarassed now for being depressed and like all the efforts i have been making on getting out of my apartment more often and eating healthier and stuff arent being seen and just the worst of me is. it sucks too bc our mental health took a new redive after one of our ex's told us how we seem to not want to get better. which is an insanely fucked up thing to say and not worth listening to so we have tried to just ignore it but it haunts us still along with toxic ex friends whove talked about how pathetic and disgusting we are for being mentally/emotionally weak. which is wrong and bullshit and hirrible and WE HAVE gotten better before we want to be better again we're sick of living in a rollercoaster we want to be ourselves again 100% of the time and not just some of it, but believe it or not it's hard to keep your head above water much less swim to shore when people are constantly shoving you back down and wondering why youre not succeeding in breathing. dont you see how hard I'm trying?

plus with our dad it just gives us a fucked up moral dilemma of ik how estranged and distant his family is like theyre allergic to showing courtesy or affection and he was raised to be a good mannered cowboy and just sit and take when his mother does him wrong because it's family and he doesn't wanna lose it, so the same is true here, but I've already had it in my head for years that at some point i may have to cut ties. I'm just fucking caught. I'm trapped by the good moments we have, the good aspects of my parents and my sister. I'm caught by the fact my dad doesnt have a close family and everybody in my moms family has that same genetic ego that makes everyone think theyre better than everyone else or made them isolate and hide and die from drug overdoses alone in their bathroom. I'm caught by my baby niece who i don't want to leave alone with these people. I'm caught by my dog and grandma, until they pass, anyway. I'm caught by the stupid child in me who still *craves* a mother, *craves* a father, craves this idea of a family i never really had except in blurry photos if you dont look too close.

any fucking ways..... if anybody is able to get a therapist who can actually help me and not waste a year of my time trying to put me on drugs because they dont know how to do shit with systems and trauma to actually email me back, that would be epic.

i also want everyone reading this to stop seeing people as only their struggles or their trauma or their disability and start seeing them as PEOPLE with personalities and likes and interests first. believe it or not we don't think about our trauma or hardship a lot of the fucking time and it's real weird and a total fuckin bummer if thats all you seem to see. so, yeah.

have a happy sexy naughty bitchy sephiroth labor day guys