#because he feels so terribly lonely and rejected and abandoned

[fairsweetlonging]

have been in a qijiu/qiyuan mood lately, and i was thinking about an au where shen yuan, upon transmigrating, actually loses his memories. he wakes up and has no idea who he is, where he is, who the man at his bedside is. not a clue. the only thing he has is his muscle memory, his sharp recognition senses (he's experiencing a lot of déjà-vu), and blurry fractions of memories that he can't quite make out.

thing is, the memories of both shen yuan and shen jiu aren't actually gone, they start to intermingle, to mix up, a little sister in princess pajamas beside an older brother wearing dirty rags, a bright screen that displays mountain peaks and glittering caves. he's kind and generous the way someone who has never had to worry about food or money is, but he gets vicious and defensive when someone gets too close. sometimes he says cruel things and doesn't even understand why himself.

neither identity fits anymore, both names right and wrong at the same time. it's just... shen qingqiu.

and while everyone else might adjust to this just fine, yue qingyuan does not. because that is shen jiu, but it isn't, but it has to be, but not always. he gets flashes of his childhood friend when shen qingqiu gets viciously defensive over nothing, when he scowls and scoffs and rolls his eyes when he thinks people can't see, but then he smiles, and laughs, and tilts his head in a way that is completely foreign. he likes beasts. shen jiu never liked beasts. but he loves tanghulu, like shen jiu. sweet sugary things. the first time xiao jiu cuddles up into his hug, he cries.

the way he sometimes clings to yue qingyuan when he has a bad day can't be him, but then he says "qi-ge" exactly like shen jiu would and damn near snarls at anyone who gets too close, and he's aggressively possessive the way he was when they were kids. but then he pulls away and apologizes, like shen jiu would never do.

and he never demands anything, scrubbed clean from roughness and filth and selfish want, will act perfect and smiling and pleasant, never burdensome. like he's completely forgotten where he came from, what he was. like the pampered nobleman's son who could afford to be kind. the only time his old self comes fully back up is when he feels threatened or scared or angry, like a trauma response that kicks in to protect himself. and then yue qingyuan starts to wonder if maybe it is. maybe the shen jiu he knows was only ever fear and self-preservation, and the one he is now is a shen jiu without the chains and shackles and scars.

yue qingyuan doesn't know if he's happy for him, if it's for better or for worse. he does know that he feels protective and responsible for this new version xiao jiu has become.

meanwhile shen qingqiu, even when he regains enough of his memories to realize he was once a different person, doesn't know who he is anymore. both, maybe. or neither. he feels bad for taking away yue qingyuan's friend, but in his heart he can't help but think qi-ge is his brother, and no one else's. when he manages the peak he feels like he's taking credit for another's accomplishments, but he remembers suffering for it, he remembers what it took to get there.

[mycurrentobsessionis]

I'm so protective of Victor Frankenstein, because everyone is like "the creature is actually completely right and he should have just made a second creature and it would be fine" or "he shouldn't have abandoned his creation" and like, come on.

First of all, he didn't abandoned the creature. He basically spent 9 months obsessing of creating this thing because (a) his mother died and he developed a morbid fascination with death to cope and (b) his father, instead of explaining why alchemy was a bad idea, just dismissed his interest out of hand. But the thing was that it wasn't //actually// supposed to work. And he also isn't eating or sleeping and he is mentally Not Well. But then the creature opens it's eyes and it's terrifying because even though it should be beautiful, being made of beautiful parts, it is still made of fucking corpses.

So, Victor passes the fuck out and wakes up after the creature has escaped. And then he's like, wtf was that?? Am I going insane?? He doesn't go looking for the creature because he thinks he made it up in his head. I think his friend was also like, "hey, dude, I think you just have a fever."

And then he finds out that his 6yo brother has been MURDERED and his childhood friend is accused of having killed the child, so he goes home. He can't even say, "hey, I think I made a monster that did this" because no one will believe him. And this creature shows up and tells him that it killed his brother simply because it hated Victor. It killed a young child because it wanted to hurt Victor. Now it wants Victor to make a second creature like the first.

And, for the record, the creature has been having a hard time because its a giant walking corpse and people aren't giving it a chance to prove that it can read Shakespeare. Here's the thing. The creature is smart. It reads classic literature. It speaks well. It is also cunning. After snapping William's neck, it frames Justine by slipping William's gold locket in her apron pocket.

Victor takes responsibility for this. He is aware at this point that he has fucked around and found out. He feels guilty about his little brother's death, and the execution of his friend. He agrees to create a second creature out of fear, but then decides that he will accept his fate and let the creature kill him because he is afraid that, given how terribly the first creature turned out, he will be endangering more people. What he didn't count on was that the creature would not actually kill him (he is its only shot at getting a companion, after all) and would instead kill his best friend and his wife.

The creature is lonely, but it's first response to rejection was not to seek its creator and ask for a companion. Its response was to murder people weaker than it, then seek out a companion from Victor through threats of violence. Why would he want to help it at that point? Why would he trust it?

[good-to-drive]

your analysis of paul + golden children was superb!!!! you mentioned that for children, abandonment means death. how would you say this manifested/developed in john considering his childhood (who's usually the one we think of regarding abandonment issues)?

Thank you so much, I really appreciate that!!! I always hope someone enjoys my ramblings lol. I definitely think John was deeply shaped by abandonment trauma and neglect, having had caregivers leave him, neglect him, and pass away during his childhood and adolescence, and I think you can see a mix of fear, shame, and anger connected to abandonment/rejection throughout his adult life. 

The best description I’ve read for the mindset of a child in a tumultuous family system is “Don’t let me disappear.” I touched on this here, but it all comes back to the deep, primal knowledge that without a caregiver you will die. It’s called existential fear because it’s quite literally a fear of nonexistence – it’s the knowledge that the only thing between you and death is the adult world, clashing with the knowledge that the adult world is inconsistent and unreliable. It's your survival being fundamentally dependent on a world you can’t control and, based on your experience of it, can’t trust. 

Ideally, children would never be confronted with the possibility of a caregiver dying, leaving, or neglecting them. But obviously John experienced at least two of those things, and arguably all three, and that means he was probably very acutely aware of death as a constant presence in his life. 

I know the way both Julia and Alfred abandoned him is already pretty heavily discussed, but one thing I don’t see people talking about is his life when he did live under Julia’s care.

I'm also not sure abandon is the right word for what Julia did, because I'm under the impression she may not have felt she had a real choice, but regardless it would have been abandonment to John. Children don't really understand that adults also don't control the adult world, and I'm sure he felt that if Julia wasn't his primary caregiver it was because she didn't want to be.

I don’t have an enormous amount of detail on this, but I know from this piece by Psychology in Seattle that Julia would leave John physically alone for long periods of time, particularly at night, to the point that he would have panic attacks and beg neighbors for help. And, again, when children feel abandoned or neglected it’s dying that they’re afraid of. He wasn’t just lonely and confused – though I’m sure that was part of it – he was existentially terrified. Through that experience of serious neglect, being unloved and rejected translated literally to death, which will set a horrible schema in a child's mind.

I think people might ignore this part of John's life because there’s a chance he can’t remember it, but aside from the fact that trauma can lead to early formation of memories, you don’t actually have to be able to remember something in order to be shaped and traumatized by it. And living with an early-childhood trauma you can’t remember, but which still shaped your brain and your perception of reality and your ability to ever feel okay, is a very painful and complex experience. In some ways trauma lives in the brain more than the mind, and being inside of a brain that’s been misused and twisted in a way you can’t get any clarity on is uniquely terrible. I genuinely don’t know if John could remember his early childhood, but there’s no way that experience didn’t instill deep trauma and permanently alter the way he saw and interacted with the world by instilling an early, maladaptive schema. 

It might also be a good time to mention how a schema is defined, which is something I don’t think I’ve ever explicitly done before. This article about the connection between maladaptive schemas and depression is way too long and mostly irrelevant, but this part is important:

A schema may be defined as “any broad organizing principle for making sense of one’s life experience” (Young, Kloscko, & Weishar, 2003, p. 7). While schemas can provide useful heuristics with which to organize the world, they can also be maladaptive when they involve pervasive, inflexible, and dysfunctional cognitions (e.g., Young, 1990). Expanding upon 78 EBERHART ET AL. Beck’s (1967, 1983) cognitive theory of depression, Young (Young, 1990, 1994; Young et al., 2003) has suggested that there are a number of specific maladaptive schemas that develop in childhood and are elaborated throughout life that place individuals at increased risk for psychopathology

A more straightforward explanation might be that schemas describe how you think about the world, and you usually learn them as a kid (sometimes even before you learn to talk), and everyone has them but when they’re really rigid or really negative they can cause a lot of problems in your life. One schema might be “I am unworthy of love.” That’s something a lot of people who experience early-childhood abandonment will develop, essentially explaining their abandonment to themselves by saying it must have been their own fault for not being lovable, and it echoes through their adult relationships by making love feel impossible or fake because it conflicts with one of their fundamental beliefs. A schema could also be “Most people are bad and want to hurt you,” which would make positive relationships in general very difficult to form. 

John also had his primary caregiver change early in life, when he went from being under Julia’s care to Mimi’s, which is always traumatic for children. It’s like being abandoned, except you’re also now dealing with a new caregiver who you don’t know and don’t know how to deal with. All the little things you learned for managing your relationship with your initial caregiver, the knowledge of how they usually react to things and how you can keep them appeased and thereby keep yourself safe, a sense of familiarity and the ability to know if you’re okay -- it's all stripped away, and it's utterly destabilizing and therefore terrifying. It can also make children very scared of feeling loved, because they’ve been taught on a deep level that being given love is a precursor to having love taken away. Of course, it can also make children desperate to feel loved, to be someone it’s impossible not to love. Or it can be a combination of both. 

There’s also evidence that Mimi used emotional neglect as a punishment during John's childhood – i.e. gave him the silent treatment when he did things that upset her. This is already a pretty horrible thing for a parent to do with an adult child, much less a young child who still feels (and is) utterly dependent on their caregiver for survival. I doubt I have to explain why using existential horror as a tool to torture your child when you’re unhappy with them is incredibly cruel and destructive, but it’s even worse for a child who already had a history of abandonment and neglect. And I think by reactivating his abandonment trauma in order to punish him or express dissatisfaction Mimi probably instilled in him very deeply that feeling unloved or rejected is something people do to you intentionally, because they want to see you hurt, because you've made some kind of mistake that displeased them. It would be so difficult for John to see any slight hint of rejection as anything but an intentional, malicious act meant to convey disapproval or retaliation, a conscious choice to hurt him in the absolute worst way possible because they felt he did something to deserve being hurt in the worst way possible. Because, in his experience, that’s exactly what it was.  

This would have created so much shame and self-hate connected to any kind of abandonment, as well as deep mistrust for people he loved and who therefore had the power to reject him. And for most people shame, self-hate, and mistrust are transmuted to anger and then to cruelty. I think you can see a bit of this with how John tended to react with anger when he perceived himself as rejected or overlooked (see also: John’s later relationship with George). Rejection, abandonment, and neglect were incredibly sharp tools in John’s world, both in how they were (sometimes unintentionally) used against him, and in how he himself used them when he felt abused and betrayed. 

Then when he’s still an adolescent Julia dies suddenly, and while John did have a positive relationship with her at the time of her death, it would be hard to construe it as an ideal mother-son relationship. And even if you’re past the point of wanting an ideal relationship with your parent, the fact that you didn't have one (and, in John’s case, that he’d never had a truly healthy relationship with any caregiver) will always be a source of grief. 

Not that it isn’t also horrible to lose a parent who’s been good to you (as with Paul), but it’s the difference between the emptiness of losing something wonderful and the emptiness of never having had that wonderful thing in the first place, and knowing now that you never, ever will. Even if the relationship were already dead, a parent’s death is often when you grieve what you could or should have had, and it’s like any grief in that it never completely leaves you. And the schema you build around that emptiness in order to make it survivable is usually very persistent, too. 

That being said, there’s such a thing as corrective experiences, where (usually through therapy) you reshape your experience of the world and by extension your schemas. My point being that trauma isn't fate and things can always get better.

I also think Mimi was one of these people who expresses love through control and criticism (would love to know more about her and Julia and Alfred’s childhoods, but a lot of that seems pretty opaque, which is so bizarrely universal for toxic caregivers – you know they came from somewhere, but you don’t know where, so you’re trying to draw compassion out of thin air and it’s hard). And there’s a lot to be said about how this translated to John’s relationships with women, how he was shaped by two powerful female presences in his early life who likely never made him feel fully loved, while simultaneously reiterating that being unloved is death. There are also multiple relationships with potential male authority figures that probably connected back to a perpetual state of mourning for his relationship with his father. 

I also think he’s probably like pretty much everybody who had a childhood dominated by fear in that he spent his adult life coping with anxiety and depression, and I’m guessing he was someone whose anxiety probably never dropped below about a 6/10. It’s actually kind of consistent that when people with this kind of childhood get into therapy they rate their anxiety based on their experience of the world, which is that you never really feel okay, you just feel better or worse, so they think their anxiety is around a 3-4. And then over time they start to experience moments of true calm and they realize their default state for most of their life was actually being at least somewhat activated, like a 6+, and that’s why it was so hard to think straight or keep their cool or look at things in a reasonable way. People always say you get the worst of someone when shit hits the fan, but the thing is that for some people that’s just what a normal day feels like. I don’t know how true that is for John, but I do think it’s possible, especially in his early life. 

Anyway, this is way too long, but thank you so much for the question!

[cosmicmatter]

Types of Triggers

Following you will find an explanation of different types of triggers.

Time-related triggers. 

You may have heard of “anniversary reactions,” in which a person has a predictable and involuntary reaction on or around the anniversary of a traumatizing event. This experience is most well known in people who have intense grief reactions each year around the anniversary of the loss of a loved one. But anniversary reactions may be evoked for a wide variety of other events. At first, you may not recognize an anniversary reaction, but you or your therapist may begin to notice that you, for instance, become depressed, or very anxious, or feel suicidal around the same time each year, time after time. 

Time-related triggers may also involve a time of day or a particular period of time, such as weekends or holidays (see also chapter 16). For example,  some traumatized people may become increasingly fearful and anxious as it becomes dark each evening, related to overwhelming experiences that may have occurred around that time.

Place-related triggers. 

Many people find it hard to return to places where they were abused or had other highly distressing experiences. This avoidance can generalize to other places that remind them of the original situation, prompting them to evade more places and experiences to prevent triggering. For example, if a person had been robbed or assaulted on a bus, he or she might be inclined to avoid all busses. And eventually, this person may come to avoid any public transportation, including trains, trams, and planes. 

Many traumatized people regularly report that they are upset or overwhelmed by crowded spaces, such as shopping malls, long checkout lines, or crowded waiting rooms. Their aversion often has nothing to do with a traumatic memory, but rather they feel overstimulated and trapped, which may be similar to inner experiences they felt during traumatic events in the past. Even though some parts may be triggered by certain places, other parts may not be; they may even enjoy, for example, riding in the train or flying, or being at the mall. These contradictory experiences may set up internal conflicts, because some parts may dismiss or even be unaware that a trigger is problematic for other parts.

Relational triggers. 

Relationships themselves are often triggers. Relationships and any perceived threat to them evoke the most powerful feelings in everyone, for better or worse. When you have been mistreated by others, intense feelings of abandonment, rejection, humiliation, shame, panic, yearning, and rage are often easily triggered by the minor ups and downs that are a natural part of even the best of relationships. And when a serious relational disruption occurs, it can feel catastrophic. Some parts of you may always be on guard, looking out for any cues that perhaps you are being rejected or criticized, and thus they may overlook important cues to the contrary. Others may desperately seek out relationships, not attending to whether they are healthy (see chapters 28 and 29 for more about relationships). Many patients with complex dissociative disorders rightly felt criticized, lonely, and misunderstood as children. Anger or critical remarks by a partner or a friend in the present may quickly give rise to a partial reliving of old experiences, such as intense fear of being abandoned or misunderstood, or fear that you cannot speak your mind without terrible consequences.

Internal triggers.

People who have a dissociative disorder have typically learned to avoid much of their inner experience in order to avoid traumatic memories (see chapter 5). Any inner experience may be triggering, such as the sound of another part talking or yelling, certain emotions (anxiety, anger or shame, and so forth), sensations (such as pain, sweating), needs (such as wanting to be comforted), or thoughts (such as “I wish I was dead” or “I am not happy in this relationship”). Some parts may even provoke other parts as an internal reenactment of old experiences. For example, a highly critical part might scream that you are stupid when you are trying your best to cope with a difficult problem at work. This inner experience may be quite similar to some you may have had as a child. 

Sensory triggers. 

Body sensations are a particular type of internal trigger. These may resemble similar sensations that occurred around the time of a traumatizing event. Smells are particularly potent triggers. Other sensations include pain, the racing heart and breathlessness of anxiety, feeling too hot or cold, nausea, thirst, hunger, stomachache, the need to eliminate, or even certain body postures. Some women may be triggered by the sensations that accompany menstruation. The sense of being touched by another person may be especially triggering from some individuals.

Triggers for Positive Experiences

Triggers are usually thought of as negative, but some triggers evoke positive feelings and memories. For example, looking at pictures of a nice holiday that you enjoyed, the smell or taste of a specific food, or particular music may all evoke positive memories and feelings of contentment or warmth. Positive triggers are important because they can help you find some enjoyment and calmness in the present. In fact, your personal anchors are positive triggers that help you stay in the present.

Coping With Trauma Related Dissociation

[thesadstoryofme]

The one where Harry loves her

Harry loved her.

He loved her more than anything in this world.

It was the way she smiled the minute they laid eyes on each other.

It was when they would go on drives and 5 minutes in she would be snoring in the passenger seat and then would claim she never fell asleep.

It was when they would go out to dinner and she would order a salad and then steal his food off his plate.

It was when they would watch movies together and she would hold his hand because she was a touchy person.

It was the way she breathed

And the way she would cry at any movie even if it wasn't sad.

It was the color of her eyes

It was the sound of her laugh

It was everything about her that made him crazy in love.

Y/N was Harry's friend

She was the love of his life and she didn't even know it.

It was the way his heart broke in half when she started talking to a guy named Jamie.

Jamie was all she ever talked about and it made Harry sad.

It was when the nights started getting lonely that he realized that he couldn’t live without her, he wanted her next to him. 

//

The days went on and they were growing apart.

Harry missed the laughs. He remembered how much light it brought to his heart.

Harry missed the weekly movie nights, filled with laughter and lots of wine.

Harry missed the long drives to a different city to go thrifting and try out new coffee shops.

Harry missed the scent. Her scent.

//

Harry had to force himself to live without the love of his life. Harry kicked himself for not telling her, for not shouting it to the whole world.

It was when Jamie moved in that Harry felt them slowly drift a part.

Harry hadn't spoken to y/n in days and it felt quite. It would kill him when he'd here her pretty laugh echo thru the walls, the thin apartment walls.

Harry had to move on.

//

8 months.

8 months is how long it had been since they last saw each other. Last spoken. Last laughed.

Harry worked a lot. Focused on his music more and went out on auditons.

Y/N and Jamie traveled.

They spent most of the months gone. Traveling to a new country every month.

It was when Y/N posted on Instagram that Jamie proposed.

Harry's heart sank.

He wanted to propose.

//

2 years.

It's been 2 years since Harry last spoke to Y/N.

She lived across the hall. Jamie lived across the hall.

He would hear her sometimes, stumbling in the hallway late at night. Her giggles would perk him up.

It was when Y/N and Jamie broke up.

Harry had heard from his cousin who was Y/N's hair stylist.

Jamie cheated and it broke her.

//

"HI" He spoke softly in the phone.

"Harry" she breathed back. He could hear her smile.

" I miss you " she spoke again

His eyes lit up, " I missed you to".

" I'm a terrible person, I just abandoned you." She spoke softly. He could see the droplets that poured down her face.

" I was so blinded by Jamie and what I thought was love. I didn't even notice" " Notice what?" Harry looked at her with teary eyes

" I was in love with you this entire time, I was so scared. Scared that i would be rejected and that you didn't feel the same way."

Harry couldn't believe it. She was standing here telling him how much she loved him.

" say something " He didn't realize the silence

" God, I have loved you since the moment I layed eyes on you. I love everything about you. I was crushed when he came around and it was like a knife to the chest, watching someone love you the way I wanted to. " He breathed

" I love you Y/N in every lifetime, I want to be here for you in ways that I couldn't before." before he couldn't say anything more. Y/N pulled closer to him and pressed her lips to his.

After what felt like an eternity, they pulled back. " I love you"

A/N

Guy's I haven't written in so long. I found this in my drafts from about 2 years ago. Life has been so busy, and I miss writing so much. I hope you like and feel free to request some stuff!

[fanfic-inator795]

Why I love Ansel Beauregard

I originally wrote this a couple months back - back when Michael was still making my Ansel plush and was curious about both the movie he came from and why I liked Ansel so much, whiiiich led to me just kinda going on a page-long rant asdfghjkl. I wasn't originally going to post this on Tumblr but screw it, it's Arlo's anniversary and I still have ATAB/Ansel brainrot so: Enjoy!

Beyond his really great and really charming design (love characters with big wings) and vocal performance (really want his VA, Vincent Rodriguez III, to do more animated musicals now. Like- seriously put this man in the next SING movie or something), what really grabbed me about Ansel is that he’s just such a flawed but still really fascinating and fun character.

I feel like his introduction scene does a good job of demonstrating this, as even when you see him denying his fatherhood and struggling with both his guilt and his hidden truth, he still goes out of his way to help Arlo. Yes it’s done in a somewhat shallow way and he gives him some pretty terrible advice… but it’s also the only advice Ansel knows - advice that is self-taught and that he truly believes is in Arlo’s best interest, because he himself believes that the only way to survive and thrive in a cruel world is to hide the flaws, change yourself and be ‘better’ than what you are. (Though, even if it is a bit harsher in retrospect given Arlo’s heartbreak afterwards, the song itself is still a bop, ngl)

My friend who originally recommended this movie to me (thanks again Toondandy) pointed out how Ansel’s story is very much one of assimilation - how, for as successful and rich as he ended up, hiding and changing himself to fit the mold of ‘normal’ not only negatively affected him (his so-called high society ‘friends’ only cared about his money, as seen in the Met Gala scene, and he himself admitted he was lonely despite his success, not to mention all the pressure that comes with constantly trying to hide your true self) but also put him in a position to potentially continue perpetuating the societal cycle of hurting and rejecting others who are just like him (like abandoning baby Arlo or like how he was going to gentrify Seaside, both for petty revenge against his childhood bullies and because he thought it was the best option - because ‘beautiful’ is ‘better’). 

Additionally, because he’s so focused on and weighed down by his own hang-ups, I don’t think Ansel fully realized just how much he was harming ‘not-normal’ people like Arlo and Arlo’s friends (people like himself) until he saw not only how far Arlo was going to go to learn the truth but also just how much he’d hurt Arlo/put him in danger by continuing to reject him, which is what finally pushes him to confront his fear, guilt and self-shame. (Sidepoint: I really REALLY love the double-shadow imagery that goes along with Ansel’s “what have I become?” line. It’s simple but still really effective).

But yeah, it makes sense that him growing up bullied then isolated and then becoming crazy rich at a young age made him more than a little oblivious and out of touch (though these parts of his personality are still funny/endearing instead of being annoying imo) but what keeps him a positive character even when he’s at his ‘worst’ and most selfish/self-conscious is that he still genuinely cares and I really do love the interactions he has with Arlo.

Beyond all the juicy character drama stuff, there’s a lot of fun aspects I like about Ansel too. I like how, for as flawed as he is, he isn’t your typical rich jerk that you see in a lot of cartoons and can still be a bit goofy and flamboyant at times (his song “Better Life” is a perfect example of this). I also really like all his bird-like mannerisms and how awkward and skittish he can be at times too, that’s also really endearing imo. And I also love how even with all his flaws, he tries to make up for them, even if it took him a while to fully own up to his mistakes.

Finally, I love the subtle foreshadowing to him being a bird-man (him saying things like “like a phoenix” and “my perch” during his song, the bird logo on his piano, and the feather he gives Arlo are some examples). His subtle similarities with Arlo - like a love of music/singing and the shared desire to find a community of sorts (even if they both went about it in totally different ways) - are also fun character details ^v^ plus hearing them harmonize in “Something’s Missing” is just SO GOOD!

So yeah... Lots of things I like about this character ^v^

[ecargmura]

Senpai Is An Otokonoko Episode 8 Review - Not Being Anyone's Priority

This episode focuses less on Makoto and more on Saki and Ryuji. I can see why Saki is the way she is. She has so much emotional baggage from the circumstances around her but bottles up everything. It sort of hurts to see her in this situation. I just wish she’d just go apeshit and let everything out. Will there be a day she’ll do that? For Ryuji, I can’t help but to feel bad for him.

Saki’s grandmother did collapse, but has to be hospitalized. While it’s fine for Saki to be left by herself for a while, it’s still too dangerous to leave a girl by herself. While I’m glad that her dad is finally back home, it’s not enough. Saki’s family issues really showcase why she has commitment issues. Her dad cares more about his job than her. Her mom abandoned her. Her grandfather passed away. Her grandmother is hospitalized. Everything around her is collapsing yet she still puts on a calm face. She is literally the embodiment of the “This is fine” meme, the one with the dog drinking coffee in a burning house. Heck, her former crush Makoto is now dating Ryuji meaning she’s clearly on nobody’s priority list. I mean, it’s something when you get Ryuji to finally be the first person in a while to prioritize Saki.

Saki’s dad is not a bad person, but he’s clearly a terrible father. He finally came back home after so many years once he learned that his mother was hospitalized. Even at home, he still focuses too much on work and socializing with others and doesn’t prioritize his family. He’s the type of person who cares about himself and his relationships with people outside of his family. Not once did her dad mention her text messages. Not once did her dad mention about how her school life has been. Not once did her dad mention why her knee was scraped. He’s clearly more into work and social relationships and neglects his teenage daughter. I felt bad when Saki made him dinner but he came back drunk and not looked at the meal on the table once; heck, he didn’t even call her to tell her he’d be eating out. I know some of those types of people in real life and they’re extremely frustrating to deal with because they’re so narcissistic—that’s the best term to describe her dad.

Speaking of Ryuji, I’m still not happy over the fact that he and Makoto are dating. Heck, even Ryuji knows that his “like” and Makoto’s aren’t aligned. I feel like this is going to hurt more than Ryuji getting rejected because if Ryuji did get rejected, he could’ve just moved on but dating someone who doesn’t like you back is another form of emotional torture in itself. I think his best moment in this episode was him going to Saki’s house when she got scared of a possible suspicious person lurking near her house. Ryuji’s best traits is knowing how to prioritize someone when they need it. It’s nice to see someone putting Saki first for once. I find Saki asking Ryuji to live together if things don’t work out with Makoto in the future and if they’re both still lonely and single was interesting. To be honest, that would be an interesting story to read about, but it’s definitely not going to happen.

I feel like this anime is no longer about Makoto’s otokonoko-ness and is more about Saki and Ryuji’s issues now. I can’t believe the femboy is fading out of the anime about him. Maybe next week will bring that back? I do have a feeling Makoto and Saki are going to be endgame, but how is that going to happen? What are your thoughts?

[theothersideofhim]

Secret, Mistake, Midnight

from [here]

Under the cut since it's A LOT and also a SECRET lmao

secret: What’s one secret your OC never wants anyone to know about them?

Easy enough: he's lonely. He's intensely, earth-shatteringly, irreparably lonely and it's directly because he's part of a duality where each part is designed to function alone. Me and Asche's personal lore for Stan is that he's "the other side" of God but that doesn't mean they're meant to get along. They're meant to be locked in a tidal orbit of never ending conflict, bound to each other but light years away. Stan is meant to be The Adversary and my personal lore is that he's just a little fucking sad about that.

Like he remembers helping to create the universe, hurling matter and heat in every direction, breaking down everything so Eli could pull it back together and form it into more and more complex elements, smashing atoms and meteors and whole planets into each other in a chaotic Mario Party Smash that lasted billions of eons and also just one flashbang

... so Eli could come in and create life on what was left.

And he knows that the only way to ever experience that sense of belonging and purpose again--at least on that "Mantle of the Adversary", cosmic level anyway--is to create a new universe. And he knows that in order for that to really happen the one they'd already made would have to be destroyed.

So there's that.

All this to say, I don't think Stan understands that's what he's feeling anyway. I think it translates to him as Angry and Sad. He'll show the angry part but he doesn't want people to ever know about the sad part.

Oh also he likes head touches and neck kisses shhhSHSHHHHHHH.

mistake: What’s the worst mistake your OC ever made? What led to them making it? Have they been able to fix it? How have they moved on?

Designing the platypus.

No but seriously, this one is really hard. I wanna say almost killing Lucifer, but is that really the worst? In all the millenia that Stan has been alive, his WORST MISTAKE was making Lucifer believe he was going to die at Stan's hands? Because in all honesty, the two of them will eventually find their way back into the toxic, symbiotic relationship they've had since Lucifer fell and everything will fall back into place again.

But will it??? Will it really????????? He effectively put Doubt in Lucifer's head for... basically as long as it's going to sit there. They'd gotten so close as for Stan to actually tell Lucifer "I love you", even if it was just a whisper, even if it was after just sticking a knife in the former angel's stomach, and they were both reminded that it could have been thrown away in a heartbeat over the pull of the Mantles needing to fill Roles.

Whether or not Lucifer moves on from it, Stan is always going to remember being slightly out of control... but not entirely. He was somewhere in the vicinity of the driver's seat and that is fucking chilling in its implications for Lucifer's place in his heart and Stan's capacity to have one in the first place.

So yeah I guess I'll keep it at that for now.

midnight: What keeps your OC up at night? Do they have nightmares? Fears? Anxieties? What do they do in the small hours of the morning when they should be sleeping?

He has a fear of intimacy that is in direct conflict with his aforementioned loneliness, and yeah that actually keeps him up at night sometimes lmao. If you wanted to get deeper into that it's a fear of rejection. If you wanted to go even further it's a fear of abandonment.

That's too far woah woahhhh bring it on back now.

His nightmares are always full of songs sung by angels made by Him but Not Him, sounds he can't make that spin molecules together into planets and cities and people, beautiful and terrible but muffled and far away like it was a record playing in another room.

He never speaks in his dreams. His mouth wasn't meant to make sound it was meant to devour, and he never yells or screams or throws any kinds of fits in his dreams.

[ruminate88]

Processing School Trauma:

School for me was torture. Everyday that I had to be there, I was absolutely miserable. After I was homeschooled, I would have dreams my mom made me go back to school and I would cry and feel like my mom abandoned me… School wasn’t just about being “labeled stupid.” It was about being misunderstood, judged, laughed at and neglected. It was a lonely place and I was daily rejected.

In the 7th grade: I had this computer teacher who was married to a “military man”. She was not only strict, she yelled daily and belittled everyone. The only thing I knew back then about computers was how to play solitaire LOL (it was 2002 btw) my parents never had the internet yet… I never learned how to type. The computer teacher was far from empathetic or understanding. She yelled at me daily. I would ask the guy next to me for help and because I was talking, she stuck me in the far corner by myself against a window where I could hear band practice across the way and I would get sooooo distracted 🤪 I was not typing or keeping up in her class at all…

After computer class, I would go to “reading lab” and I wasn’t a book lover by any means but you better believe I couldn’t wait to get to that class becuase literally, no one talked!!! 😅 not even the reading lab teacher. She would whisper and tell us to read quietly… oh boy, I loved her so much haha However, on occasion she would give us a book we all read together and out loud. I remember one day the computer teacher (I purposely forgot her name) she really shook me up one day just yelling at me and I was a nervous wreck! I get to reading lab and it was “my turn to read” 😳😳😳 ahhhh the reading lab teacher was like, “okay it’s your turn to read out loud to everyone.” And oh gosh I hadn’t stopped shaking yet and all I could think of was “plzzzzz hold it together and don’t cry!!!!” I was shaking the book so hard on my hands trying to remain calm and just get through it all.

Gym was also a nightmare. I purposely wore high heels to school so I could take an F and have to sit out. I can’t tell you how many times a ball of some sort would smack me in the face 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 I nicknamed myself “The Human Ball Target” LOL Also had a bus driver that yelled and carried a whistle. He blew that stupid thing daily. I would leave off his bus with the biggest headaches… This is all just part of the things I remember about school that I detested!!!

Not all my teachers were mean or cold. 3rd grade was probably my best teacher ever. Well and 4th grade Mrs. Washington wasn’t too terrible either I suppose… I just remember school being the one place I felt the smallest, dumbest, weakest and the most misunderstood/misjudged. I got tired of kids acting like they knew who I was when they barely knew my name 🤪 “Popular” girls were so stuck up in middle school. They always talked down to me like I wasn’t a person and sadly, whenever they wanted a “piece of gum” or to “barrow a pencil”, they had to ask me….

Also in 6th grade, this guy named Robbie Williams punched me in my arm becuase I put his chair down for him off his desk 😝😳 I mean… how stupid is that???? He couldn’t stand that I was nice to him and he couldn’t stand me period. Punching me was satisfying to his ego and my reaction was to walk away and go sit at my desk… My mom asked why I didn’t tell the teacher and it’s like “uhhh cuz that’s only something a wimp would do.” I never told on Robbie or wanted to get him in trouble. I just realized in that moment he’s a bully, to leave him alone and I found out years later in high school, that he was physically abusive to his girlfriend and I believed it 😔🥴😳 That’s terrible!!

Sure, being homeschooled was obviously scary quiet. Only me there. Everyone at work and left me to my own devices. I taught myself everything at that point. It felt like the ultimate neglect. HOWEVER, you couldn’t have paid me a million dollars to go back to hell, I mean, school…..

[narhinafan]

In the movie Naruto Shippuden The Way of the Ninja ✨✨

When Madara dragged Naruto and Sakura the 4th dimension in Konoha...

Where was Sakura, the hero's daughter?

While Naruto is an ordinary person named Menma, and he has two parents and a family...... just as he dreamed and wanted.... he got them after trouble, even if it was a dream or a fantasy......

He resisted him..... but he gave himself up in the end....... and lived with them and knew the taste of family for a short time...... a time that was beautiful for him.........

At the same time......

Sakura was hoping to get rid of the pressures her father puts on her, although this is only in her interest....

She wanted to be free and not let anyone interfere in her affairs or her life.

I wanted to be free from the shackles of blame and admonition.

But.....

She got one house for herself without a family... At first it seemed fine and everything went as she wanted....

But later..... she felt so lonely...... that feeling that pierces her heart..... she felt uncomfortable..... and wanted to go home..... that feeling that she had at the time... She rejected him and did not accept him. She realized the value of her family.

And so........

I was convinced to go back to Naruto.....

To find him living a feeling that he had not known before...... the feeling of being in the midst of a family..... even if he was Menma..... he wanted to experience being a spoiled son among his family........

Sakura stood stunned and didn't utter a word except that she confessed his pain because she really tried him.....

Has Naruto always felt this way?

Yes, this unbearable feeling...

Sakura couldn't stand it for minutes and hours...

While Naruto endured for many years she was hard on him...

He lived in a hell of hate.

Sakura accepted Naruto and knew his pain...

She felt wrong towards him and towards her family.

Even if you get a lot of interest from the village...

Even if she had friends...

It won't fill the void inside her.

And it won't erase that dark feeling in her heart...... It simply won't kill her deep pain......

Just like what happened with Naruto....as if the events were repeated only, but with Sakura this time, not Naruto......

Yes, that always happens in this world. We do not realize the value of those dear to us unless we lose them..... and we know the pain of separation and loneliness after them.......

That's what Sakura felt and understood...

When they finally returned, she embraced her family with love and gratitude, and realized their value and importance to her...... She knew how much she loved them..... And she learned a valuable life lesson after the terrible experience she lived......

Whatever it is that we have is precious whatever it is..... and whatever happens.....

We can't hate it..... or stay away from it...... because it's very important and can't be abandoned.....

And if that happens, we will suffer and live in darkness..... Let us keep those dear to us and take care of them......... They are all we have and they are the reason for our living 🌼✨✨✨💙💙💙💙💙

Greetings, friends 😊😊

Interact with us for more....... and cheer us up with your comments 🌼🌼

Filler

Yeah RTN is all filer and they are ignoring how Sakura to appreciate Naruto and her parents had to lose everything first.

Like seriously they also made it look all flowery and touching, but really Sakura just feels lonely while at the start she didn't give damn when she complained to Naruto about her parents despite knowing full well he was an orphan. They can dress it up as they want, but it doesn't change how bad she is.

[dantefkaesky]

There were days when I longed to scream—loudly, fiercely—as though the sound might shatter the great weight inside me. I wanted to weep, to purge my torment and cast it far from myself, but in the end, I always smiled, a strange smile for my own confusion. Everything turned to quarrels, senseless and bitter, and the silence swallowed me. I became a prisoner of it—my silence, their silence, the silence of everything. The child I once was, a lively and cheerful boy, was burdened and smothered under this silence. I feared their judgment, feared they would not understand, and so I silenced myself. Yet still, they misunderstood. How cruelly ironic. So now I just go with the flow—quietly, lonely—wherever life carries me. I am emptied of feeling, a man who exists not because he chooses to, but because existence will not release him. And though my heart longs for escape—to vanish into mountains, meadows, or dark woods where I might exist alone, just me and my silence—I know there is no escape. But what does it matter? The people I call upon, the ones I swore would never change, changed. The ones I believed would never turn their backs, turned back, as if I were a trouble in their path. And when I reached for them, when I needed them most, I found only the emptiness they left behind—an emptiness that gnawed at me, spoke to me: What are you to them? To keep away that self-doubt from devouring me entirely, I learned the art of leaving—leaving before I could be left, abandoning before I could be abandoned, even though that is what they desired? And yet, in their eyes, what am I, but a spiteful, immoral, unscrupulous man? So now I've come to reject those very human relationships that once seemed so full of beauty, for I know now I am unfit for them. I am not made for the warmth of others; I am a misfit among their affections. At night, when the world is sleeping to its terrible silence, I think of erasing myself entirely—(No, not death, but something stranger) of disappearing into the thin gap between existence and nothingness, where I might cease to trouble even my own thoughts. I imagine myself lost in some forgotten place, erased from evryone's memory, where I am neither seen nor missed. There, the burden of being left behind, being misunderstood, would fall away, and I would finally find rest. And yet, at the edge of this absurd, stupid, tormenting thought, something holds me back that I have a family.

[ihatemyselfbutidolovetea]

3/25/2024

I'm coping with so much pain and stress.

Jayson took me to planet fitness and showed me how to use certain machines. That was so sweet of him. He even showed me breathing techniques. I loved getting rewarded with smiles and head pats from him... It was nice up until he sent me home. I might have eaten something bad because my stomach was hurting. I thought it was my period until I started shitting my guts out for a bit... I went to work anyway cuz I wasn't sick.

So here I am now... lonely... my reproductive system trying to kill me and seeing chunks of flesh the size of goldfish in the toilet... waiting on my hands for how my graduation application will be received will I be allowed to graduate early? Will I have three classes? four classes five? What if there will be no classes available that I need to graduate for the summer? what if it takes me another year? I'm so scared of this not going to plan I feel like throwing up I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this please stop... May's coming... the month I have to prepare I have to get insurance from my job... it feels like I have to grow up now... I know I have to. But all those years of playing and being happy and free feel like they were in a dream and I'm about to be woken up.

Jayson has been talking to me a lot. I'm happy that he's gone back to the gym. He's happier just like in the old days. And since he's back to being happy I could see him smile more. I was with him and staring at him and involuntarily said "you have such a nice smile." I think his smile was the first thing that I fell in love with... That's why I need to do this I need this plan to go right. I cry in pain at the thought of losing him.

Before I spiral there are other things I wanted to meditate on... I've been thinking a lot about Schmudd... I keep thinking I'm getting everything about this wrong... I think he feels multiple complicated ways about me... I confessed to him something terrible I did, something that goes against his moral principles and you know how he reacted? Nothing. No emotional reaction. Nothing positive or negative just emotionless disapproval. And yet I was on the verge of tears that I couldn't lie to him and make him think I was a perfect angel he could idealize. I wonder if Schmudd's mental state is suffering when he gives me the #1 Disney Princess reward of having a high value man ignore other girls in favor of me. Which is not love, I would never say I let that happen out of love. It's a seprate feeling because I like it when he treats the other girls in the server nice and gentlemanly. He might even flirt with them. But I'm not too bothered by it because I know them. But I will throw a tantrum if he's going about it with strangers. But here's the thing. His illness gives him the urge to be alone and completely unavalible to anyone

pain too much can't think. maybe I'll finish my thought another day

still in pain. but I have now found new pain and stress. I cried in the bathtub, ate some stress gummies and made some tea. Still crying. I wanted to talk to Schmudd but I didn't want to vent my problems on him if he was suffering too. So I asked. No answer. Asked again. Got a passive aggressive response that essentially translated to "fuck off leave me alone." So I cried in the bath and went offline from discord. It's not fun to be rejected by your best friend and I don't know how I'm going to handle it in the future, having this pattern of rejection. I don't know why the two most important men in my life ended up being the kinds of men that are pleasant most days, but then randomly they will reject you and want to be alone and you can't rely on them right now. Is this how most people are? Regardless it hurts. I feel abandoned.

This experience made me realize something. When someone does something to make you angry, whether intentionally or unintentionally it boils up these feelings of range. But if it was JUST because of the incident the problem would be solved. in the flames of that rage the core is that you feel wronged, yeah? It's rage inducing to know that someone had that much power over you. So you want to take that power back. Maybe by making them angry back, hitting them, being passive aggressive, anything to send the aggressor into a rage that makes them lose control. Ergo, you have won the situation, you are powerful and dominant. Schmudd did something to me that hurt my feelings and made me feel unsafe. And something tells me that if I voiced my feelings with those exact words he's not going to care. Meaning he has taken power from me, he finds power in pushing people away and being comfortable with being alone. By begging for his attention and validation I have lost. All I could do in that situation is flee and go gray. If he really valued my kindness and companionship, he'd eventually get out of this funk himself and message me to apologize. Whether or not he ends up doing that is out of my control. On this day we'd usually hang out in VC, but if it ends up not happening today, then I'm not gonna try to hang out. I'm too sad and defeated.

Am I mad at Schmudd? No just hear broken... There's no point in being mad at a severely mentally ill man. He promised me safety, but its confusing when mentally ill people can't/don't owe anyone safety really. It is what it is...

Time to escape into Fruits Basket! yaayyyyyyy

[freyjas-musings]

I am sort of tired of people just looking at Azriels character on face Value without really looking into how he has been written ....

People like Azriel because he is an interesting, layered and complex character . People like him because while he has some of the most attractive characteristics on one hand he also has these unsavoury traits that are glaringly obvious.

He certainly doesn't have the personality of a rock its what you have chosen to see but it's a personal opinion so you can feel free to keep it.

But if you are genuinely interested have a look at this post regarding his personality.

He is not allergic to emotionally available women , he is a 500 year old guy who has always been an outcast and a reject from the moment he was born. Clearly, it's too much for people to understand the psychological trauma of being locked away for 11 years without a window or sunlight or being burnt beyond repair and we are talking about a species that heals quickly. He was then thrown into a camp where he was again an outcast. Not to mention, he spent centuries convincing himself he is only wanted as long as he earns his place and becomes useful , thats a trauma response. He genuinely believes no one would ever want him atleast not beyond the fucked up fantasies they have of him in bed.

I don't cater to Elriel agenda so the whole not being chosen loony bit I am not even going to touch. But I will say this for someone who has never been pursued because of his reputation Elain kept leading him from the word go, why wouldn't he take notice? And with terrible math where 2 of his brothers are mated to her sisters ... why wouldn't he get confused that maybe that was his chance to happiness? Is it right ? No it's garbage.... you don't choose people based on math but this is a guy who is lonely , desperate to be loved and just wants someone to love him unconditionally without the fear of being abandoned. Why do you think Az is obsessed with a mate more than his brothers ? He believes only a mate would love him and never leave him. It's the fear and it's trauma response.

Self worth issues that he refuses to work on? Refuses to work on? His mother was a slave who was abused and he couldn't save her , he saw her being abused .... as a child .... so how about you pay attention to whether you would feel worthy of another person when you couldn't save your own mum from abuse ? Was it his burden to bear? No , he was a child . But based on how protective he is of his mother , how she is always at the back of his mind example when he was speaking to clotho , it has clearly affected him and he carries the baggage and trauma from it. Which is where his need to protect comes from. The fact that he thinks him being less worthy as a life is not cute its sad and heart breaking.

Just wait for his book mate he will address those issues . Unfortunately stories are not written for characters who are already ok and have worked through their issues. Just a suggestion perhaps pay attention to how mental health and seeking help works ..... I just don't feel like explaining why it's wrong to blame someone for not seeking help when they perhaps don't realise it.

If you want to look at the way he spoke of Elain vs how he spoke of Lucien. Lucien for him is an outsider one that came from a court his high Lady was abused in. He is the son of another HL from a court that abused his first love Morrigan. So, do you truly believe his judgement towards Lucien is surprising or uncalled for ? Mor doesn't trust Lucien either nor did Cass until recently and we all know how Elain behaves with Lucien, what is he supposed to go by ? He doesn't need to take the time to understand whether or not Lucien is a better male. He simply thinks Elain doesn't find him worthy while falling all over Az .... it would be confusing to someone who is messy in the head.

Lucien is certainly a better male and I do believe Az will see that in his book. Now, if you really want to be disgusted with Az, I think the fact that he spoke about Elain like she is some object to gain and that he has earned the right to her is the point you can hold onto ... because that was fucking disgusting and one he will pay for.

Be disgusted about the fact that Az the moron did not even think through his words.... he would kill Lucien if challenged but what would it cost Elain to lose a mate ? He is making no sense with that statement. I truly believe Lucien is going to save Azriels ass from being killed somewhere in the next book thereby bringing Az back to ground and pulling his head out of his ass.

There is nothing cute about self worth issues mate. I would urge you to address mental health traits with a bit more respect.

He is a spymaster its his job. It's OK you are not on board with his torturing I am sure he is not either. The torturing clearly weighs on him based on the way he hides his hands when Nesta observes he tortured info out of someone , please do have the patience to wait for his book for things like that to be addressed.

I don't want your girl Elain anywhere around Azriel. Elain has her own well of issues to sort through... they are both terrible for each other and they will only enable each others toxic traits. Two great characters could be just wrong for each other and that's the case for these two.

I am confident Azriel and Gwyn are the ones getting the next book and I can assure you all your additional issues with him will be sorted !!!!

This is not me tearing you apart .... this is just me answering your question.

Cheers!!!

I really want to understand why people like Azriel.

I'm a little scared of getting torn apart over this post, but i genuinely want to understand.

(granted i have not read CC yet, so maybe more about him is revealed)

But after reading acotar, it seems like he has the personality of a rock.

He seems to be allergic to pursuing emotionally available women.

There’s all this nonsense about him “never being chosen” but like he has a whole ass found family who love him and choose him every day. And as for not being chosen by a romantic partner, this kinda feels like his fault. He’s had 500 years to look for someone, but chose to spend it pining over the same woman who clearly doesn't want him. And then the second another emotionally unavailable woman comes along he latches onto her too.

He has self esteem issues that he apparently refuses to work on (again he's had 500 years to go to therapy and process his trauma), but at the same time he also seems to have a superiority complex and is super judgy? (doesn’t think he’s good enough for Elain, but also doesn’t think her mate is good enough for her either. also his judgements and generalisations regarding the Illyrians) Even when he is being heroic/selfless it seems like he’s doing it more bc he thinks his life is worth less than the others, so it’s better if he takes the risks instead of them. This is not cute to me personally.

Also i’m not super on board with his torturing people thing. Like.. in some cases, it’s justified (the Attor for instance) but i feel like a lot of the people he has tortured are probably just average joes working their 9 to 5 (the people in the human queens’ castle he “interrogated” for info on Briallyn. Surely they’re not all evil) or they are not even in their right minds (eris’s soldiers in the crown’s thrall. Also those are your ally’s soldiers. Why are we torturing them?)

I genuinely want to see what the Azriel stans see in him in case my girl Elain does end up with him in the end. I don’t want to be mad about it. And I want to care about him enough to read a book in his POV if it ever comes bc right now I do not.

[ilalos]

Worth it (Anthony Bridgerton x reader) Part 2/2

Summary: Your arranged marriage to Anthony seems fine, until it doesn’t.

Warnings: marriage, implied sex, angst-ish, fluff, pregnancy, crying, if you notice anything else let me know :)

Word count: 2.5k

The season passed in a blur with countless flowers and conversations that filled you with expectations about your marriage to the Viscount, you truly felt like love was around the corner for both of you and it was a matter of time for that corner to be turned. He was everything you had expected and more, you could tell he was wary about letting you in but didn’t want to push him so you let him open himself to you at his own pace. The had been some stolen looks, kisses on your knuckles that had lasted a little longer than they should and hand a bit lower than what was acceptable when you danced. To say the courting had been successful was the understatement of the season in your opinion, by the time the wedding day came you were counting down the minutes before you finally became Lady (y/n) Bridgeton.

Your wedding ceremony was short and the carriage ride to Anthony’s bachelor townhouse was even shorter. The wedding night had come with a surprisingly low amount of events, your virginity had been taken the sweetest of ways, with many kisses and whispered promises of pleasure that came true. By the end of the day, you were as happy as can be, laying on your husband's chest, feeling his heartbeat slowing down and smelling the sweet vanilla scent of his skin.

When you woke up the next morning the bed was empty and he had already left to work in his study back in the main Bridgerton home. He didn’t return until late in the evening and you were waiting for him so you could have dinner together.

“Thank you for waiting for me,” he said while taking a sip of his wine.

“It’s nothing, I like that we are finally spending some time together”

Anthony just nodded and continued eating in silence.

“How was your day?” You pushed for conversation, you had been alone all day and could really use some conversation with someone different than your maid, who was terrified of speaking freely.

“It was busy” he answered simply “how was your day?” He asked after seeing the face you made at his short answer.

“It was also very busy, I reorganized the books in the library, had the kitchen staff do an inventory on the pantry, and send the maids to the market to get some flowers for the table tops” you narrated proudly, hoping he might appreciate the way you ran the home.

“Good to see you’re settling in, darling” his small praise made you smile a little.

“You don’t mind that I changed some things?” You asked somewhat concerned by his silence.

“It is your home, you’re free to do whatever you please with it,” he said dismissively.

“It’s our home, Anthony, I want to make it perfect for you too”

After dinner, he walked you to the bedroom and after a couple of heated kisses you fell in his arms once again, the pleasure he gave you was addictive. Despite his cold attitude towards you in other aspects of your life, it was in the bedroom where you felt hopeful for a future where you both might learn to truly love each other, and then he would sneak out every morning making you feel like a worthless whore.

And so your days continued like this, every night was filled with passion and every day was lonely. You couldn’t even go to the Bridgerton home, you had been taught that a married lady was not to go out without her husband, so your heart slowly filled with sadness as you spent day after day alone in the townhouse. Anthony was none the wiser because he simply thought you enjoyed being by yourself, so it never occurred to him to invite you to his family’s home or anywhere else.

A month into your marriage you found out you were with child. You were extremely happy and Anthony had shown himself to be happy as well, but then that night he didn’t come home for dinner and didn’t make an appearance in your bedroom. He was more and more distant until four months had passed and he disappeared for two full weeks before you saw him again.

It was on the day of your birthday, and he had only gone to your room because the butler told him you had been very sick that day. When he entered the room he found you seating on the bed hugging your knees close to your chest, your eyes puffy from crying and silent tears still streaming down your face. You weren’t upset he had forgotten your birthday, you had never celebrated it so it didn’t matter he didn’t remember it.

“What happened? Is everything well? Is the baby-“

“Your child is quite well, Lord Bridgerton” you interrupted in the coldest tone he had ever heard from you “to what do I owe this joyous visit?”

“I apologize for my absence, I have been very busy” he answered measly.

“I figured out that much, husband” the word was said with venom.

“Are you upset with me?” He asked offended, you had never treated him so coldly.

“I am upset with myself” you started with a pained chuckle “I don’t need you to try and comfort me because you did nothing wrong, that is the reason for my anger” a small sob escaped your lips “I was taught to be a good wife, that my only job was to give my husband heirs and to keep the house running and I understood that and I didn’t fight it because at least I would have children to fill my life with love and a husband who at the very least would acknowledge me and my efforts”

“I-“

“I don’t want you to feel like you should change or apologize, this is not your fault, I feel miserable because I filled my heart with hopes and dreams of love but that’s just not how life is, at least not mine” you harshly wiped your eyes before finishing “I understand my place now, I’m nothing but a child-bearer for you and that’s fine because you didn’t even pick me in the first place” you got up from bed and opened the door for him “please leave me alone, I will be fine”

“I can’t just leave you here alone, have you even eaten today? In your condition-“

“Your child is perfectly well, my lord” your tone had turned icy once again “please go, I am tired and want to rest”

Unable to do anything else, Anthony left the room and went back to his family’s home. His mother had insisted for him to take you there that night, but seeing your state he didn’t even bother asking if you wanted to go. When he got there he was surprised to see the dining room fully decorated, his whole family dressed in their best clothes, even Daphne and Simon had paid a visit.

“Where is (y/n)?” Asked Violet.

“She’s not feeling very well” answered Anthony looking at the table that was filled with all his wife’s favorite food “What is happening? Why are you all here dressed as if you are attending a ball?”

“Anthony, please for the love of God almighty, tell me you didn’t forget your wife’s birthday!” Violet couldn’t keep his composure, how could Anthony be so clueless.

“I-I’ve been so busy lately supervising the building of the new house, it didn’t even occur to me that it was her birthday” Anthony felt terrible, as he should.

“It’s bad enough she doesn’t like us, son” Violet sighed, seating on the table “And now she thinks we don’t care for her birthday”

“Where did you get that idea, mother?” Daphne couldn’t help but ask “When she writes to us she says wonderful things about our family”

“Then why hasn’t she visited since the wedding?” This time it was Colin asking “Mother sent a tea invitation shortly after they got married and she never showed up, sent a poor letter apologizing but did not explain why she didn’t show”

“I might have an explanation for that” Simon spoke up “My aunt was a terribly strict mother, taught her that a wife was nothing more than a child-bearer and had no liberties like men do, for example: going out unaccompanied”

“Has she been out of the house since you married, brother?” asked Eloise, turning to face Anthony who was still frozen at the doorstep.

“I don’t believe so” he entered the room and sat defeated “I just thought she enjoyed being at home by herself, god!” he rubbed his hands down his face.

“I can’t believe it, the poor thing” lamented Violet.

“She hasn’t left the house in almost half a year” concluded Benedict.

“And here we were, refusing to visit thinking she had rejected mother,” said Colin.

“I would like to clarify, I never agreed with losing contact with her over one missed invitation” added Eloise, gaining the glares of everyone present.

“It matters not what we thought nor does it matter what has happened in the past” began Violet “right now I want you to go pick her up and bring her here, she deserves to be celebrated, especially after everything we put her through,” she told her eldest child, pushing him to stand and go to the door.

Anthony mounted the carriage and urged the coachman to hurry home and as soon as he got there he ran up the stairs to your room and burst through the door, jolting you awake.

“I am so sorry, love,” ha said kneeling on your bedside “I never knew you didn’t leave the house because you thought you couldn’t, you are free to do as you please, darling” he grabbed your hand and kissed your knuckles “I didn’t mean to make you feel trapped in your own home, and I am sorry if you felt like I abandoned you” he caressed your face and wiped some tears that had fallen without your notice.

“You did abandon us,” you said, trying to pull your hand from his grasp with your other hand protecting your belly.

“I was merely supervising the building of our new home, I was hoping I could surprise you before the baby arrived” he explained, now seating by your side “I can’t possibly ask my family to leave their home but I know how much you love that house, and so I chose to build a similar one not too far from here”

“You are building me a house?” You asked incredulously, hardly anything could justify his absence but this was in fact a reasonable explanation.

“Yes, love” he once again caressed your face “A home for our family” at that your eyes filled with tears, this time from happiness.

You sat up and wrapped your arms around his neck, crying with your face buried in his shirt. He wrapped his arms around you, kissing the top of your head and shushing you softly to calm down your cries. You spent a while holding each other until he suddenly broke you two apart, remembering his family that was still waiting for you both to show up.

“My beautiful wife, I must take you out of the comforts of your bed” he began, apologetic “My family is expecting you in their home to celebrate your birthday with a lavish dinner”

“Heavens! You should’ve started with that” you ran to your door and called out for your maid “I don’t think I have a dress for such occasion, non that would fit me now, that’s certain”

You opened your trunk and began taking out your chemise and all other items you had to wear under your dress in such cold weather. You took off your nightgown not caring Anthony was there, he had seen it all before, after you had put on your chemise your maid ran in and help you put on the rest of your garments and helped you squeeze your small baby bump in the dress you had worn for one of the first balls you attended when Anthony was courting you. She put your hair in a quick updo and even managed to coerce Anthony into putting on your stockings and your shoes while she did your hair. With all that rush and hard work, you managed to be ready in under an hour and still made it to the dinner at a reasonable hour (half past 9 is reasonable, right?).

At the Bridgerton home, you were welcomed with warm embraces and merry wishes on your special day. You all sat around the table and ate the feast that had sadly grown cold. Colin didn’t seem to mind as he devoured everything in sight, prompting Violet to chastise him softly. You, however, ate small bites because the pregnancy had caused your stomach to be upset easily and you didn’t wish to offend anyone by running out of the room to empty your stomach. Anthony watched you eat and held your hand atop the table, smiling as he watched you laugh and converse with his family.

“Is the food not good enough?” Asked Violet seeing your plate almost full.

“It is just perfect, my stomach has just been iffy since the start of the pregnancy” you answered smiling apologetically, Anthony choked on his wine because he realized at that very moment that he had forgotten to tell his family about your condition.

“You’re with child? Those are wonderful news!” Exclaimed Violet with a large smile “When did you found out?”

“Four months ago” you turned to glare at Anthony “I assumed your son had told you”

“How could you conceal such joyous information from your mother?” Violet then noticed her eldest daughter had become quiet, as well as her husband “Did you know, Daphne?”

“I was aware of it, yes” Daphne admitted ashamed “I too assumed Anthony had told you”

“You assumed my eldest son had told me about his wife’s pregnancy and I had decided not to mention any of it in our letters?”

“I-I’m, yes?” Benedict and Colin snorted with laughter hearing their sister’s answer.

Violet only shook her head with a small smile, her children were truly a wonder. Anthony was nervous that you’d get mad at him for not telling them, but one look at your laughing face told him he didn’t need to worry.

Later that evening you both laid in bed after yet another passion-filled encounter, your breathing slow and even making Anthony think you were asleep. He was caressing your naked back with feather-like touches, kissing your sweaty forehead every few minutes.

“I love you” you sighed, kissing his chest “You need not feel the same, I just want you to know how I feel”

He took a shaky breath before answering.

“I also am in love with you, darling” he placed a finger under your chin and tilted your head so you’d look at him “sometimes I’m scared of just how much I love you” he kissed you slow and deep, pouring all his love into the action.

The kiss was unlike any other you had shared before, this one was full of promise and hope. It filled you with love and certainty, you were now sure that no matter how difficult the road to Anthony’s heart had been, even if you didn’t want it at first, it had all been worth it.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

Hi! Thank you so much for reading, I hope you enjoyed it. If you like it let me know.

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[telepathandproud]

What I think makes Charles Xavier tick

So movie-Charles, love him or hate him, always seems to get the short end of the stick. His friends leave him or blame him for various things, he loses his ability to walk, his hair, his school, etc. He goes from being characterized as a hopeful but arrogant new professor, to a jaded and self-pitying drug addict, to a more classically hopeful professor again, then to whatever dark phoenix did, and finally to a dementia-afflicted old man. Hear me out here though, I think the way things went so sour for him actually makes a lot of sense based on what we know of his past and personality. In a story that cared about him a little more…we may have actually gotten some closure.

So first of all, his core motivation lies in a goal to alleviate suffering. Charles hates pain. We all hate pain, sure, but for a telepath like him, it’s a little bit more intense. He can feel pain intimately in peoples heads and based on his actions in DOFP, he clearly despises it. But pain isn’t always physical. Often, it’s the pain of rejection - one he is very familiar with after a childhood with (at the very least) a negligent mother if not also all those comics-based head-canons we have about Kurt Marko. He doesn’t want others to go through what he has (feeling alone and unloved), and so he’s motivated to prevent this in others at all costs. He wants to save Erik, to give Raven a home, to build a school for mutant kids. He probably also hopes that in giving all of these things to others, he will be able to erase the scars of his own past. He can turn his lonely childhood home into something good, spin those dark memories around and facilitate the happiness of others at the same time. The tactic works so well for him because he needs to erase his own pain in a way that also allows him to keep up the self image / myth that he is a good person…because he doesn’t actually believe he is a good person.

I think deep down, Charles is afraid of himself and his powers. It’s canon that his telepathy manifested when he was 9 years old, but the isolation he felt was probably something from a lot earlier than that. So you’re a kid whose parents don’t seem to love you, with no friends, in a huge isolated house. Then suddenly you’re hearing hundreds of voices in your head, and it’s overwhelming and maybe you think you’re going mad. Still, a part of you likes it. Likes the power, and the first sense of connection to others you’ve ever really felt. But no matter how nice the connection might feel, it’s not helping you where it matters. If anything, it makes it worse. Because everyone you tell is inherently afraid of what you can do.  Rather than getting the affection you need, all you have now is a window to others, and that window separates you from them more than ever before. 

I think that Charles views his powers as an extension of himself, and with this in mind, any self loathing for one of those things also applies to the other. Everyone abandons him. Everyone thinks his powers are scary and invasive…Everyone abandons him BECAUSE his powers are a scary and invasive problem. Thus he himself is the scary and invasive problem. He knows he is capable of terrible things with little to no effort, but he doesn’t want to be what people fear. He doesn’t want to hurt others. He wants to be loved. So he builds ethics around himself like a shield. He doesn’t allow himself to get truly close to others because no one could really love him if they knew the real him. The real him is the dangerous problem, after all. He needs to hide it away and control it at all costs. Also because Charles doesn’t deal with his issues and uses a variety of avoidance and denial-based coping mechanisms, he often ends up projecting his issues onto others that he relates to like Jean and Raven.

As a child Charles was alone through no fault of his own, but as an adult he surrounds himself with others yet ensures that he’ll always end up alone. It’s kind of ironic - he’s a mind reader who refuses to share what he’s actually feeling. A telepath who learned first and foremost, how to create shields. I wholeheartedly believe the issues in his relationship with Raven could have been fixed if he opened up more to her and allowed himself to act as her equal rather than her older brother. In fact, most of Charles’s problems tie back to this. As long as he continues to keep walls between himself and the rest of the world, as long as he’s too afraid of himself to open up, he might still be able to complete his goal to help others but he will never be able to help himself and get to the root of his own pain. In Logan (2017) for example, Laura gets away and it’s implied that she and the kids will continue Charles’s dream, but Charles himself dies having just remembered the Westchester Incident and yet another reason he has to hate himself. He died helping someone else, but still couldn’t help himself…

Not really sure where I was going with this but I wanted to get it out (as stream-of-consciousy as this rant probably seems)

[pridepages]

Damage Control: Boyfriend Material

I just finished Alexis Hall’s Boyfriend Material, and I have some thoughts...

Here there be spoilers!

I avoided Alexis Hall’s London Calling series for a while because, frankly, one look at that cover screamed ‘cheesy rom com,’ and I didn’t feel like I needed yet another mlm romcom in my life. With appropriate cringing apology, I must confess that I fell into the trap: you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover!

Don’t get me wrong, Boyfriend Material is every bit the frothy rom com romp rife with all the delicious tropes: enemies-to-lovers, secret pining, straight-laced perfectionist falls for chaotic one, will they/won’t they, snappy banter, and of course the Happily Ever After...or, as Hall puts it, Happily For Now.

But even with all that being true, I could not stop marking quotes in this book that hit home. Because within the framework of fun, there are some very relatable struggles in this remarkably character-driven plot.

Let’s catch you up: our story is told from the point of view of Lucien “Luc” O’Donnell. Luc is the son of two ‘80s celebrity singers. His father, the more well known of the pair, abandoned Luc and his mother when Luc was a child. Luc was raised by his hilarious single mother, who he adores, and became a fully functional adult with a steady boyfriend, a job in PR, and a promising future...until said boyfriend sold Luc’s secrets to the press and sent Luc on a five-year spiral. Now, Luc finds himself the butt of jokes in tabloids, in a dead-end job, and ridden by anxiety that no matter what he does his secret and most intimate heart will always be at risk of being exposed and ridiculed. He trusts no one, least of all himself. The problem is, Luc now is in need of a steady boyfriend to counteract this damaged party boy persona.

Enter Oliver Blackwood: the golden boy barrister (that’s trial attorney for my fellow Americans) who practices criminal defense, comes from pedigree, eats vegetarian for ethical reasons, and has cultivated a straight-passing persona that Luc is sure will give him the legitimacy he needs. 

The problem? They annoy each other. The good news? They both have reasons to need someone on their arm...so they agree to enter a fake relationship.

Who needs the details? We can all see the end coming: boy gets to know boy, boys discover that each is not only not so bad, but actually quite good, boys agree they need each other in their lives and fall passionately in love.

Here’s where it gets interesting:

Luc’s problem is that he cannot bear to be seen as he is for fear that his most vulnerable parts, once exposed, will be ripped to shreds. “I'm lonely because I'm a wreck and nobody wants me.” Luc muses as he’s “perilously close to liking someone. And look where that had got me.” He’s terrified of letting someone in for fear that they will disappoint him. 

What he at first doesn’t realize about Oliver is that Oliver is equally terrified. Oliver’s Perfect Persona is a fiction. “There comes a point when enough people have said 'It's not you, it's me' that you begin to suspect it may, in fact, be you,” Oliver confides. Because Oliver’s problem is that he’s terrified of letting someone in for fear that HE will disappoint THEM. 

Each of these boys lives in terror of the pain of intimacy. They have internalized that pain into self-loathing and desperate loneliness. One of them rejects before he can be rejected. The other tries desperately to reform himself into what he thinks will please the world. But both of them ache for genuine connection. And, in each other, they find it.

There is something so powerful about queer love and queer connection as written by queer people. Consider the following passage where Luc and Oliver are intimate:

“He was gazing at me with this terrible earnestness, meaning every word. And, y'know, it was fine, I could cope with this, I could have feelings, it was fine. Never mind that there was this sense of nakedness settling over me, strangely independent of the fact that I was actually naked. And never mind that every time he touched me it was like he was unmaking me with tenderness. And definitely never mind that I needed this so badly I wasn't sure how to have it.”

There is something absolutely universal to the gay experience in “I needed this so badly and I wasn’t sure how to have it.” I think we’ve all felt that in our own way. Maybe because we’ve been hurt before. Maybe because our world told us consistently that we were wrong or disgusting. Maybe because there was no roadmap for our relationships that we both wanted and didn’t want to look like the Straight ones we saw endlessly paraded in media. Maybe because our desires confuse us. Maybe because we’re still figuring out what love means to us.

Whatever the root cause, the queer experience is one that is both unique and universal: we all have felt like that offbeat, flailing person reaching out in the dark for a hand to hold, hoping we’ll catch on to one.

Alexis Hall may have set out to write a bright and breezy love story, and in many ways Boyfriend Material delivers just that. But I think the truth of the novel is captured on the bittersweet note it ends on:

“I’m coming to the conclusion I might be unbelievably terrified.” Says Oliver. “Me too,” Luc replies, “But let’s be terrified together.”

The novel doesn’t leave our heroes convinced of their future. They don’t know that they’re Made For Each Other. They have no idea where this road will lead them. But we leave them deciding that taking a chance on faith in themselves and in each other is worth the risk. 

It’s so easy to let our past make us believe that we are damaged beyond repair. The truth is rather more complicated. We can let the trauma of our pasts define us. We can also decide that we are not broken because people can’t be broken: they can only be formed. In a world full of people that tell us we’re made wrong, we’ll only survive if we choose to take a chance on the ones who make us feel like we’ve been shaped just right.