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ananke-xiii · 5 months ago

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When I say that "Billie won" and that her values align with Dean's I'm not saying it is an unproblematic thing.

Billie's desire to go back to the "good, old days" is a pipe-dream, it cannot happen because there never were "good, old days" to begin with. (Little aside, Billie and Meg would totally vibe together, the "You ever miss the Apocalypse?" talks we could have had LOL).

"The good, old days" are just an image of a past that's ultimately unstustainable with the reality of life. Maybe for beings like Billie and Chuck, beings that manipulate life and death, life is just a thing, a pawn or a toy to play with but it's certainly not the case for humans. What's more, what the "good, old days" are for Billie is just an ideal time where there was Order:

Billie: I don't like loose ends, Dean. I don't like disorder. So clean this up. I need to know that you've got your house in order.

Billie's not interested in human things such as trauma and lived experiences, she will utilize people and other supernatural creatures as tools because she's got a "bigger picture" type of mentality. Billie doesn't care. A mentality that Dean lacks because he is human and because of his personality.

Tw: sui mention under the cut.

The issue, then, is that Dean fundamentally agreeing with Billie raises those "ethical questions" that Dean mentions in "Drag Me Away (From You)" and that ultimately cloud the whole season with a rather toxic take on the value of life itself.

Because Dean seeing his life as worthless and wanting to die is not news. It's not about Chuck and it actually never was. Tragically, Chuck wanted Dean to live and had a hand in his resurrections that Dean might or might not have seen as "punishments" just like Castiel in s7.

Whether or not she was goaded by Chuck, Billie had a hand in resurrecting Dean, too. Most notably in "Advanced Thanatology". I'm 100% not condoning Dean's actions in that episode but I want to point out this interesting little dialogue:

Dean: What do you want me to say? Doesn’t matter. I don’t matter. Billie: Don’t you? Dean: I couldn’t save Mom. I couldn’t save Cas. I can’t even save a scared little kid. Sam keeps trying to fix it, but I just keep dragging him down. So I’m not going to beg. Okay, if it’s my time, it’s my time. Billie: You really believe that. You wanna die. Dean…every notebook on this particular shelf tells a version of how you die. You specifically. Heart attack, burned by a red-haired witch, stabbed by a ghoul in a graveyard, and on and on. But which one’s right? That depends on you, on the choices you make. Dean: Well, I guess I made my choice. Billie: But…unfortunately none of these books say you die today. Dean: Come again? Billie: Since I got this…new job, I stand witness to a much larger picture. Do you know what I see? You. And your brother. You’re important. Dean: Why? Billie: You have work to do. That’s all you need to know. And trust me, having my eyes opened to the necessity of any humans, especially Winchesters, is not a thrill. So…you wanna die, but I say…keep living.

Okay, so Billie cares about the natural order but not so much about the necessity of any humans. Let's keep that in mind.

Dean says that he doesn't matter and he wants to die. He's made his choice but Billie says no, keep living. Soooooo it doesn't depend on Dean and on the choices he makes like AT ALL (although, let's say it again, Dean's "choice" in this episode is absolutely not okay and he needs help ASAP). This is s4 Sam and Ruby dialogue all over again. What's the point of having a choice if I have "work to do" or if I don't know what I'm actually choosing? This also raises a lot of "ethical questions" that the show has always resolved with the resurrection of his characters. Go back and do your work! So when its characters die once and for all in 15x20 these questions are bound to resurface. Or... to resurrect (LOL, I'm so funny!).

It seems to me that Dean Winchester is not the "ultimate killer" but the "ultimate killed", which is even worse. He's unfortunately right when the he tells Billie that he doesn't matter because this is what we are ultimately shown. We know that both Dean and Sam are highly suicidal. "First Born", for instance, is an episode that shows how both brothers consider themselves utterly worthless. It goes without saying that it's all very sad. But Supernatural is also a show that's fun, right? So when Dean says in s15 that he doesn't want to die while people watch it's a little, funny, ironical joke? Well, it turns out it was a joke on us too because the show ends just like that. It's not so funny anymore and those "ethical questions" keep popping up more loudly.

Dean 's lack of a "bigger picture" type of mentality is demonstrated in his relationship with Billie where he falls into the same trap he fell with Crowley and the Mark of Cain. He goes right for the action not because he cannot see the bigger picture but because he doesn't want to:

Bille: And you need to tell me now. Do we have a problem? Dean: No. No, I want Chuck dead. I need him dead. I don't have to like every part of the plan.

I actually see a gigantic problem. Dean wants and needs Chuck dead but his worthlessness is so ingrained in him that he thinks he doesn't have to like (or even to know) everything. We can see the consequences of that little dialogue with Billie in s13 right in this piece of dialogue with Sam in "Drag Me Away (From You)":

Dean: This is how we end Chuck, okay?! This is the only way we'll ever be free! So I'm sorry, Sam! You don't get a choice! We don't get a choice! Sam: Oh, "we."

The only way to be free is by not getting a choice. Let's just say it's not a great start. Dean wants to be free from Chuck, but Billie says how, when and if he gets to be it.

As Sam says in "Unity", Billie has got Dean "so convinced" and that she has "played" them. To be honest, I don't think that Billie has played them, if you pay attention she's been telling them the truth from day one: they have work to do and she needs them so she decides whether or not they get to quit. I also don't think that Billie "convinced" Dean but they both happened to share a certain desire for an idealized past, an order where everything is okay and back to "how it should be" (I've written about it here if you want to know more). But they meant two different things by that.

For Dean, it's an escape from reality, which he equals with Chuck (and not with the "natural order") so when he realizes that reality is not "real" because Chuck has been manipulating it, he short-circuits while Sam is sadly more... accustomed to "unreality". This is why, I think, it's Sam who can see that it's all about a "power grab", nothing more: Billie, Chuck, it's just about power, it's not about them, they are literally just tools, instruments...

Because Dean is in pure crisis mode he thinks that the real problem is Chuck and... well, in a way, yes he's right but if you've followed me this far you've probably realized that he's also totally not.

Dean: I don't care if Billie gets what she wants! I don't, man! I'd trade it all— I'd trade 'em all for Chuck in a heartbeat!

Sam: What about me? Would you trade me?

Dean: Chuck has to die. He has to! Otherwise he'll keep us tap dancing forever, and I can't live like that, man! I can't live like that! I won't!

Dean should actually care if Billie gets what she wants because they might share a passion for the jolly old times but Billie is a total Chuck in disguise too:

(from "Advanced Thanatology)

Billie: You killed yourself. Dean: No. Are you keeping me dead? Billie: Now that depends on you. Dean: Okay. Uh… Well, congrats on the promotion. Uh, but I got a house full of ghosts waiting on me and my brother to get back to, so if it’s up to me – Billie: I didn’t say it was up to you. I said it depends on you.

As I've said, this is s4's conundrum all over again: you can choose but not really. Once Chuck's gone and the so-called "natural order" is not perturbed anymore, Dean discovers the horrible truth: it was real, everything was real. Cosmic entities can manipulate humans and time and Death but the lived experiences are still lived and still real to the person who's lived them. Cas was telling him just that when he said "We are real". To be fair, Dean was working precisely on that for over 5 seasons from season 8 to 12 but it all ended the moment Mary went to the AU and Cas died. Everything Dean did got undone in that moment. But then Mary and Cas came back. And then they died again. His bond with Sam was not enough in s12 to keep him alive and was not enough in s15 too. Even when Chuck was not a problem anymore those words Billie told him in "Despair" must have echoed in his brain:

"Don't you think it's finally time? Time for the sweet release of death?"

And Dean in "Carry On":

Dean: Oh, man. Well, I did not think this would be the day. But it is. It is, and that's... Man... that's okay.

Come to think of it, maybe Sam was right, Billie had totally convinced Dean. It wasn't exactly that difficult, though :|.

To sum it up: nobody in s15 was paying attention because if they were they would've understood that Billie would have NEVER made people disappear. That's totally NOT something she wants, it's the exact opposite of what she wants. It was a bit of a rookie mistake if you ask me but again, I'm not grappling with the anxiety of living a life where I don't know what's real and what is (or am I, LOL).

Even though she dies, Billie eventually wins (and it totally sucked anyway):

Sam: You were always gonna betray us. Once you defeated God, you were gonna take power. That means everyone who got a free pass, or a second chance, everyone who was resurrected or came from another world, you were gonna kill them all. Dean and me, too. That's the order you want restored. That's always been your endgame. Billie: Ya got me.

Okay so maybe Billie didn't win per se but what about Death? Did she win in the end? Did she retake her role in the narrative? Did she avenge all her deaths? Will she reap Chuck? Maybe it's called "Death of the Author" for a reason:

Chuck: What kind of an ending is this? Sam: (to Chuck) Then I think it's the ending where you're just like us and like all the other humans you forgot about. Dean: It's the ending where you grow old, you get sick, and you just die. Sam: And no one cares. And no one remembers you. You're just forgotten.

Ya got me. LOL, Have I already said I love Billie?

*whispering in the corner*: nobody puts Death in the corner...

#for my series: cas and resurrection #on resurrection #billie spn #dean winchester #supernatural #spn #castiel #sam winchester #spn s15 #chuck shurley #billie won theory #tw sui mention

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lyon-amore · 2 years ago

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The half of me Chapter 22

Chapter 21 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The police had left a while ago with the keys to the store, I just hope it's not true that the crime scene was there.

I had opened the chat with Carter, but I still haven't dared to talk to him. I'm afraid of his reaction, what can he tell me, will he get mad at me again? I inhale slowly, preparing myself to begin a new interrogation. I put the call command into Nymos's chat, and the second Jake answers. "MC, just now he was going to call you!" Jake exclaims nervously "We need to talk about-" "Can it be later?" I ask, also nervous "I still have to talk to Carter." Silence falls while I wait for his response.

Finally, I hear him exhale heavily, along with a small growl. I know it's important, but I want to rule out Carter first or find out if he knows anything about this Armando Serrano. The name doesn't ring a bell, I don't think Daliah ever mentioned him, but whoever he is, I have to know if he was the killer. Luckily, the list of suspects is getting smaller and smaller, but I'm running out of ideas on who to point out. “Alright” Jake finally says “. I think it can wait, since it is not a lead that has to do with the murder." Well then" I smile relieved, if Jake thinks so, then I'll be calm “, here we go." "Good luck." “Thank you." I decide to write to him, a little fearful. I can see how my fingers are shaking. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

MC Carter? I'd like to talk to you about Daliah

----Carter has connected----

Carter You do know that I accused you of murdering her, right?

MC Yeah

Carter So why are you talking to me? I think you shouldn't, I might get more suspicious of you, you know? ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I do not like his attitude" says Jake ". Try not to get nervous, it could be used against you." "Yeah…" I settle better on the bed, running my tongue over my lips. God… I don't want for a word to seem suspicious. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

MC I know But I think that after what I'm going to show you, you're going to talk to me

Carter The fact that?

MC Tell me, was your relationship good?

Carter You saw how I acted in the store Clearly, I had a little problem with her But she was my friend

MC I wouldn't say small ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“MC I know you are upset with him, but be careful how you say things” Jake warns me, “, because if I have to intervene in the conversation to stop him, I will do it." "Yeah, sorry, it's just..." I squeeze the phone hard. It bothers me that Carter lied that he didn't hear the song, even if he didn't know it, he might not have lied. He accused me of murdering her. I can't help but be upset. "I know" I hear him sigh ", I am mad at him too." I smile a little when I hear him worry about me. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

MC [Entry number ####.PDF] ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Although it's not much of a text, Carter takes time to answer me. I think he must be thinking about how I got this and believing that I'm really accusing him of being Daliah's killer because of his words. Out of fear that he might also tell Jane that they slept together.

But I wouldn't be able to tell her. It's better not to get involved in other people's relationships so that the full weight of the blame doesn't fall on me. They have to fix it themselves. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Carter It was a mistake We were talking, we were just chatting One thing led to another and I kissed her I don't know why, really

MC You don't kiss another person just because you want to

Carter I was wrong period I just wanted to forget about my problems

MC Well, it went wrong for you Daliah liked the idea of telling Jane about it.

Carter Yes and I was afraid that she would Jane is someone amazing I didn't think someone like her could date someone like me But Daliah...

MC I know you've known each other for a long time Even before Grace

Carter Yeah We went to school together But she wasn't like that Something changed her

MC I know I'm finding out a lot about her that I had no idea

Carter One thing Although we are talking calmly, I have not changed my mind with you You and Daliah had a strong bond in that you told each other everything, so I can't trust you 100%.

MC Understood…

Carter That's all? Do you think I murdered Daliah because she could tell Jane what happened?

MC Well… She can be killed for many things

Carter I take care of three little brothers Do you think I should go to jail?

MC Well… No, I don’t think so…

Carter I remember you always going after Daliah, worried about her Always behind, always a shadow Everybody praised you two You two were the sensation of Rosenschwarz There was nothing else that everyone was talking about But I don't know who got more attention If the young savior of her sister or the little saved

MC Daliah and I never cared about that We only wanted to be together

Carter Until at some point, she took the reins from her and everyone adored her

MC But I don't see it weird She was special

Carter Yes she was But she left you behind, didn't she? ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

She left me behind? I don't remember it that way. It could be that Daliah had her friends, but we always had time to be together, even if I didn't fit in with that popularity of hers. I didn't care as long as I had her.

Insinuating that I could be jealous of her because she learned to be able to handle it, I can't accept it. I was proud of her. Carter is wrong. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

MC No, she never left me

Carter Oh, come on She'd go to Colville, do theater at the high school People would say hello to her when you were together, I've seen it I can't believe you weren't jealous of her, even if it was just a little bit. And that you wanted to end it all

MC NO! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I also scream outside the phone, with the whole body shaking. I feel my breathing getting out of control, what if I killed her and I don't remember? What if it is? "MC, breathe easy." I manage to hear Jake. "Jake-" "He wants to confuse you" he says quietly and I try to focus on his voice ", divert the subject before you can say something you do not want to." I nod, leaving my phone on the bed for a moment to dry my hands from the cold sweat. I must be careful not to get upset and say something that seems suspicious to him. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

MC Let's talk about Armando Serrano

Carter How do you know that name?

MC He is a moneylender, right? Or at least he is in Evergreed

Carter Tell me how you know that and we'll talk

MC OK… [Capture+_01-11-15-04-17-94] ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I wait until he finishes reading, trying to relax after what happened. I know Jake is on the lookout for anything, in case I get nervous or Carter says something that could hurt me. I'm secure. Safe. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Carter Ok, read

MC Can you tell me what this has to do with Daliah?

Carter Well, she told me that someone introduced him to her She didn't tell me who, but Armando promised her that she would help her get into the world of cinema because he had contacts

MC And she agreed?

Carter Let's say she loved the idea and agreed I think she told me that it went when she was eighteen

MC But did she know him from before?

Carter Yes, that's what she told me Because she knew the person who introduced him to her

MC What else did he tell you?

Carter She told me that she worked as his secretary or something She wanted to earn some money and know the contacts he had But that the more time passed, the more afraid she was of him But she couldn't back down anymore when it passed So she took care of the accounts of everyone who asked him for money.

MC And how come she didn't find out that you were asking him for money if she took care of it?

Carter I use a fake name So the day she saw me get out of the car, was the day I had a meeting with him because I couldn't pay him back. It was… They left me a little deaf in my right ear I almost have a hard time hearing something

MC So… That you didn't know Britney's song is a lie?

Carter Well, it's partly true I'm not a fan of her But I don't remember hearing it well, really just a whisper But I was afraid to admit that I can't hear well in one ear Maybe that would give me problems with Armando…

MC Because snitches can have problems with it...

Carter And for my brothers, I can't do it I do everything for them, there is not a day that I make an effort because they have a good life Here the people are nice, but I can't always live on charity I don't want them to learn this...

MC But it's not bad to ask for help when you need it Carter, I think you need to talk to Jane and everything that's going on

Carter And that she left me because of Daliah?

MC Well, I prefer not to get into that topic But you can't let your pride get the better of you and you might lose her because you don't want her to help you She would be delighted to help you, I'm sure, she loves you very much

Carter It's easy for you You don't have anyone who loves you, you don't know the fear of hurting the person you love ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“I think you are wrong.” Jake says and I blink. For a moment I forgot that he was on the other end of the line. “What is he wrong about? “ "You do have someone who loves you." I smile listening to his words. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

MC But if you don't try, you may never know

Carter Forget it I can't tell her I don't want to put her in danger

MC And what will you do? Spend your whole life having to owe money to Serrano?

Carter My life, my decisions, my money I can't back out now, I've already done it

MC But Carter! That maybe end your life!

Carter If in this way I can make my brothers live having what they need, I will do it Daliah was worried about me too, and you know what I told her? Why didn't she apply her words if she wanted to convince me so much? She was also involved and she didn’t leave him out of fear, she knew perfectly well what she was getting into Maybe you should tell the police about him, don't you think? Or you can't because you're afraid?

MC I will as soon as there is evidence against him

Carter Ha! Good luck with that

----Carter has disconnected---- ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I throw myself on the bed, lying down. I haven't been able to convince Carter that he has to do the right thing. I thought he was going to get it like with Jane or Mason, but apparently his pride is stronger than Mason himself. Who knew? “MC, do you remember what Mike said about Colville? “ I hear Jake ask me, though I don't answer. I'm too focused on thinking about how Daliah met someone like Armando Serrano “Maybe that is why she did not want to go back to Colville, something happened with that man.“ I slowly sit up in bed, picking up my phone again. I push my hair back and swallow hard. "He said that she didn't remember what had happened…" "You should listen to Carter and tell the police about Serrano" I try to calm down, I'm too terrified ", you don't have to tell them that you know who he is from her entries, just say that you know from Carter and Seo-ah." "But then it would get them into trouble..." "Is not it more important to know who killed your sister?" "Yes, but without getting the rest in trouble." "I understand" he says calmly and something in this conversation reminds me of when he told me that nothing was going to happen to my friends under the threats of the man without a face, from Richy ", but if this is going to put you in danger for Being Daliah's sister, I am not willing that just because of other people do not dare to tell the truth." "Jake, you've met Seo-ah yourself, you've seen that she's a good girl" little by little my voice grows more powerful "I can't say that she told me! And I can't for Carter either! H has his little brothers!" "I am not telling you to accuse him, but to give them a new clue" Although he seems calm, it's as if her voice was harder. A firmer tone than mine ". Seo-ah did not tell you any names, but Carter did, just let them pull those strings together and question him." I want to be able to tell him that he's right, that it's the right thing to do. Armando Serrano was Daliah's boss, he is one more on the list of suspects. But what would happen to Seo-ah, Carter and Mike? Because if I remember correctly, Serrano knows about the existence of MC, about that MC from Evergreed, what would happen to him if I tell the truth? And what would happen to me? "And what about my security?" "The police are watching you, I do not think anything will happen to you" I hear him sigh, although he doesn't sound very convinced ", perhaps even Serrano can give them information that we do not know." "Or I can talk to him-" "No" he says sharply ", I will never let you talk to him." I bite the inside of my cheek. I don't know what to do… Put my friends in danger or decide on my own to talk to Serrano? But I know how it ended the last time I did something that stupid, Jake almost beat the crap out of Mike. This time it's different. There is a knock on the door and I get up with my phone in my hand. I look through the peephole and frown, curious. “It's the police.” I tell to Jake. "What are they doing here?" He asks me worried "Wasn't it that they were going to investigate your store?" "Maybe they found something" they call again and I sigh ". I'll call you later." "Alright... I still have something important to tell you, do not forget it." "I don't." I squeeze my eyes shut. Suddenly everything scares me ". I'll call you soon." I hang up and open the door. One of the policemen was Otis Lang, the same one who waited on me as a child and who called me when they found Daliah's body. "MC Gardner?" the policeman next door asks me, while Mr. Lang looked at me sadly. "Yes, it's me." It's strange that he spoke to me this way, they knew perfectly well who he was "Have you found something?" "We want you to accompany us to the police station as a suspect in the murder of Daliah Gardner." "What?!" I exclaim as the policeman puts the handcuffs on me "But I've already talked to Elliot! I have told everything I know! Mister Lang! Please! Say something!" "Don't be scared, MC" he tells me calmly ", you'll see how everything was a mistake on the part of the forensics." Don't be scared? They are handcuffing me! They are accusing me of murder against my sister! With what evidence?! Why?! I don't understand!

On the street everyone looks at me and starts to take out their phones, taking photos. Meanwhile, the police try to keep me hidden. They put me in the back seat and I don't take my eyes off my handcuffed hands. There has to be a mistake right? I can't be the killer! I remember everything perfectly from that night! I was in my house! “This is definitely what I call a real bitch” Daliah tells me, appearing next to me in an orange jumpsuit. From prison "What do you think they have found?" "And what do I know?! I don't even know what's going on!" “I bet a precious lock of my beautiful hair." "I cleaned it all up. How is something of you going to stay in that place?" “Careful what you say now, MC” Daliah warns me “, that doesn't sound very good in front of the police." I look nervously at the police officers. Damn.

I try to stay calm when I'm in the interrogation room, for the second time in the same day. It can't be true… This is a nightmare. Elliot and Otis walk into the room and sit down, folder in hand. Elliot's look is concerned, while Otis's is calmer. "What have they found?" I ask, looking away. I feel tired. “We found traces of saliva belonging to Daliah on the sofa.” Otis replies, speaking more calmly. "So... is it true?" I look at them and I don't know whether to cry or get angry "Was that the crime scene all this time?" “For the record, the arrest warrant is for questioning only, nothing more” Elliot tells me ". We're just going to ask you a few questions again, shall we?" I nod slowly. I must collaborate calmly. It's better not to get upset. "Okay" he clears his throat and begins ". On September 4, according to the second autopsy, the murder took place at eleven o'clock at night" I look at Elliot surprised. It can't be... It can't be that time ". They manipulated the corpse in such a way that her death seemed much later than two in the morning" I hold my breath, reliving what happened that day ". There are no traces of blood, so we assume that the ‘One less’ was not in the same store, to prevent it from being known that this was the scene of the crime. The water erased any trace of footprints" he pauses, taking a breath ". All the evidence as to who could have sent her the clippings, the doll, it has your fingerprints on it." "So, since the murder was at the same time that Daliah and I had a talk, I'm accused as a suspect because it wouldn't be possible to have that conversation." I see how they shift a little in their seat at my words. So I didn't talk to Daliah. They made me believe that he had done it. It turns my stomach that someone did that. "We are not the ones who have decided to arrest you" Otis speaks to me now, explaining the situation ", they want to rule you out as a suspect after all the evidence and several testimonies." Evidence... Testimonials... Maybe it's true and I'm going crazy with all this. I see the ghost of Daliah. Perhaps because of the guilt of having killed her? I cover my eyes, tired. I was happy… I was being happy. Why did I have to go back? Why didn't I stay in Evergreed investigating with Jake? "MC, don't worry, I'll help you with this" I see how Elliot wants to stretch out his hand to me, but he controls himself because he knows that it would be against the law. He is interrogating a suspect. He has to do his job ". Unfortunately, the policemen who were protecting you saw how you vandalized the store the same night as Daliah's funeral and we have seen you clean it up, they have clearly suspected you." "Apparently I can't get mad either..." "I'm sorry-" I wave my hand for him to stop talking. I don't want to hear his apologies. He has questioned me this morning. He knows perfectly well that it wasn't me. "Is there any reason you might want to hurt your sister?" Otis asks me and little by little I get angry. "Daliah was always there for me" I reply, clenching my fists ", maybe she wasn't perfect, but she made sure I was okay, just like I was with her. She would never have hurt me in any way nor would I have hurt her, and if I did, I wouldn't have wanted to kill her." I see Elliot look at me nervously, but I take it for what happened between us. Elliot's phone rings and he gets up to answer it, walking out of the room.

A couple of minutes later he enters the room, placing the phone on the table. "Okay, is done." he says after hitting the speaker button. "That is how I like it, obedient." says the distorted voice, with a touch of fury. I sit up in my chair as I recognize him. No matter the distortion, I know it's Jake. "I just hope you do not fail in my deal." Deal? what deal? I look at Elliot in confusion, but he looks away. "Calm down, I'm going to comply" Elliot replies ". Speak, tell me what you have to tell us. "First I want to make sure the detainee is okay." Jake orders. Elliot nods at me, as if he's giving me permission to speak. "Yeah, I…" I swallow, hoping my nervous voice won't give me away "I'm fine."

"Good, I am glad." I imagine him smiling, calm ". You have arrested the wrong person, and I have got a lead on someone much more suspicious." I hold my breath, hoping he doesn't name Seo-ah or Carter about where he got the information from. "Well?" I notice Elliot upset. He doesn't seem to like this call too much "Are you going to tell us who to ask?" "His name is Armando Serrano" I mentally pray that he doesn't say anything more about those involved except Daliah ". Miss MC Gardner's sister worked for him as her bookkeeper." I sigh in relief, avoiding a laugh when I hear the 'miss'. "The big shot from Colville?" Otis asks him "How did Daliah get hinm to hire her?" "That is what you will have to ask him and… About his business." "And where did you get this information from?" Elliot asks, I see that he's tense, he's clenching his hands a lot. "Do wizards reveal their secrets?" I roll my eyes. He's getting his ego out "or do me want to keep your secret safe? I am sure you are not interested right now that she might know." If what he says has to do with how important he has found, I hope he doesn't keep it from me later. I need to know what he knows about Elliot and if it's something that might make him suspicious as a murderer and he's afraid it will happen. "And how is it that after everything you has put her through, you comes back to help Miss Gardner?" I look at Elliot who keeps his eyes on his phone, furious. I look away, not wanting to get in the middle of them. It's like they're facing each other right now. "Because I will always be there when she need it the most." my heart races when I hear him speak. My cheeks burn with embarrassment. He's supposed to be a criminal for the police and he's referring to me as someone special. Not that it bothers me, but I do worry about him and that maybe they can use it against him. “I think we're getting a little off topic, Mister Bloomgate” Otis reminds him, feeling awkward ". We must continue with the investigation" he looks at me with a smile ". We owe her an apology, this has all been because of the testimonies and evidence obtained, we really didn't want to arrest her like that." "But you have done it" I look nervously at my phone. Jake is raging at the cops ", you have arrested an innocent person, that brings consequences to your position." “We were doing our job” Elliot replies “. I don't know if you know what that is." "Well, to me I think you are doing it wrong if you do not know who to accuse correctly." “Thanks for helping me” I reply quickly, thinking this could end in a fight over the phone “. I appreciate it." I hear him chuckle, like my voice has calmed him down. I don't want to hear him like this, he sounds so… far away. "My pleasure, Miss Gardner" he says softly ". Good luck with mister Serrano." And he hangs up.

They escort me out of the police station and I meet my parents. My mother hugs me, crying. Then my father. I hug them back, feeling visible to my mother again. She then breaks away and approaches Elliot, slapping him across the face. "You..." she points at him accusingly "How dare you stop my little girl?! Accuse her of being the murderer of her sister?!" "Fiona, let him" my father separates her from him ", he only does his job." "Accusing my little girl!" Elliot is unable to look at my mother, he feels guilty for what happened. My mother approaches me, taking my arm carefully, to get me out of the place. People look at me as we approach my parents' car. I rub my wrists still feeling the handcuffs. I want to be able to sleep until the next morning, I can't get on with today.

*Jake POV*

It was when she hung up that I continued searching for the clues. I did not think the arrest was going to happen. I was also rereading the conversation that she had had with Carter. The boy had given up in to any offer of help, despite MC's advice. Nothing good comes out of having to borrow money from someone you know may even kill you. And he paid the price with his hearing. As desperate as you are, he should not have gotten into trouble.

But what will I know? If I also made my mistakes.

I was staying focused until I got a text from Mike. A message that I did not think would scare me when I read it. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mike Hey Jake! This is not good! www.rosenschwarz.com/arrested_mc_gardner_ for...

Jake How did they arrest her?! Do you know the details?!

Mike No It doesn’t put anything, only that they have seen her leaving her house with the police I've been looking and there are photos of the arrest

Jake One moment! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I look on social media and see that Elliot is with her. I take it upon myself to hack knowing that I risk being detected and I delete every photo I find of her being detained on social media. I do not want anyone to see her that way, like she is a criminal. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mike Dude! What happened?

Jake MC told me that the store was suspected to have been the scene of the crime. And she took it upon herself to clean it all up without knowing it.

Mike Fuck Fuck, fuck She’s fucked

Jake Not yet. I can still help her.

Mike What will you do? Are you going to plant in Rosenschwarz?

Jake No, it would be risky and they could separate us.

Mike So what will you do?

Jake What I do best. I am going to fix this. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I get Elliot's number and decide to call him. Unfortunately, he does not have Nymos chat, if he did, I would use the call command. I might take a chance that he can track me down and take me away from MC forever. "Wait" I look at the last capture and smile ". It may be a little bad, but I think it could work." If Elliot cares about MC, he probably does not want her to know that it was Daliah who told him where I was because he knows she would never forgive him. I prepare the voice modulator and call.

Elliot is late to answer, but when he does, I feel like I'd love to be able to tell him everything he wanted to say for being rude to her. "Yes? Who is?" “Someone who has learned that you has made a grave mistake." "Ah, so it's you" his annoyed tone takes away my need for introductions ", the guy who ruined MC's life." "And you are the one who used her sister as if she were a substitute of MC like a doll." I say annoyed now, remembering his and Daliah's conversation. I hear him make an annoyed sound. "Do you know that I can go to locate you right now?" "You will not" I answer with a smile ", because then, I will reveal your secret to MC and I am sure you do not want that." "What is he talking about?" I type quickly and hit enter. “Look at your chat, Agent Bloomgate." I wait a moment and listen to him release a curse. "How did you get this?" He asks quite annoyed "Do you know that getting this is illegal? I could arrest you-" "I have information about a possible suspect in the death of Daliah Gardner" I stop him, taking a big risk ", if you do not want all the people of Rosenschwarz to think that you killed her because she left you for using her as a toy, then cooperate." I wait again. If he is worried about what MC thinks of him, then he will agree. "Okay, no tracking you" he says finally ". Tell me-" "Not until I check that she iss okay," I stop him again, this time much more annoyed ". Take the cell phone where they are interrogating her and put the speakerphone on." "You are asking too much." "And I do not like to be impatient." He lets out a grunt, with a little 'of course'. During the conversation I cannot help but feel furious with Elliot Bloomgate, it is as if he wanted to leave me for the bad guy and he as the man capable of helping MC, when he has arrested her the same day that she had already been interrogated. I almost said that MC and I are together when Elliot has said that I have returned after everything that has happened because of me. I must not let them put her in the crosshairs of the police and the FBI again or she will be in trouble again. Luckily, I have managed to give them the name of Armando Serrano, without putting Seo-ah and Carter in the middle. Although I suppose that at some point, Serrano will want to know how they managed to guess that he and Daliah knew each other. Maybe he will even get MC in trouble. "Shit…" I mumble "I hope he does not suspect it."

At nightfall, I decide to use the call command to find out how MC is, she sent me a message saying that she would be with her parents after leaving the police station. I prefer that she calm down with her family after what happened, she needs it after this false accusation against her. "Hi Jake." I hear her in a tired, exhausted voice. "Hello, MC" I ask, feeling hurt when listening to her ", how are you, love?" She lets out a laugh, though it does not seem like it is because I called her that. “It's like I’m in a nightmare that I never going to get over” she replies. I notice that the voice is hoarse from crying perhaps? ". I'm still at my parents' house, my mother wanted me to stay at least for one night." "How is she?" "Perfectly after I slapped Elliot for arrest me" I let out a laugh, I would have liked to see it ". At least it makes me happy to see that she is little by little herself, despite the pain of losing Daliah." "Let' us hope she does not get arrested for assaulting a law enforcement officer." I teased. This time she really laughs “By the way” she clears her throat “, thanks for not mentioning that you got the information from Carter and Seo-ah." "I knew youwould be mad if I did it." I hear her make a sound, like she agrees with my words. "Jake, what deal did you talk to Elliot about?" Her voice sounds worried "Please! Don't tell me it's about giving yourself up again!" "No, that is not in my plans since last night" I send her a message with the wink smiley and I hear how she makes a sound in her throat, as if embarrassed ". It is something that is going to stay between him and me for the moment. Elliot knows what's at stake." I hear her thinking, doubting me. If I tell her now that Daliah was the one who ratted me out to the police and the FBI, I do not think she will stand it. She has suffered enough for today. Until the situation calms down, I do not think another painful secret will be good. "Another thong, Jake, more has been learned about Daliah's murder" I listen carefully to her words ". The last time I spoke to her, she was quite possibly already dead." "How do you say?" "The killer must have gotten the phone from her before killing her, probably under threat" I nod, thinking about the situation. "Are you sure?" "Yes, at least, according to the time of the forensics, it was at that same time..." "They wanted to give her an alibi about why she did not meet with you" I comment, looking at her and Daliah's chat room "Does anyone know anything else about her cell phone?" "They're probably looking at it right now." I put my hand to my hair, ruffling it. I wish I could have that cell phone in my hands instead of the police, it would be easy for me to get into it without feeling like they could control any access to it. I finally get a notice that it has found a new clue. It does not take me long to send it to MC. “Okay, let's see.” I hear her say, a little calmer “Ralph and Daliah?" "Something weird?" “No, it's just that Ralph isn't much of a talker over texts." "Then let us see what they say." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Daliah Ralph, Armando asked me if you took money from the safe.

----Ralph has connected----

Ralph Nope But And if it were like that? 🤔

Daliah That I would have problems because I let you into the office

Ralph Nah. I did not take a cent

Daliah Sure? I mean I know that I saw you buying drugs… That's why you steal from your father

Ralph My father? I would never call him that

Daliah I don't think Grace likes what you're doing

Ralph Oh Grace... I'm sure she already knows As if I hadn't ever been late to the academy because Iwas high

Daliah … I can't believe it What if the academy found out?

Ralph Stop

Daliah ?

Ralph You're going to use those imitation tricks, aren't you?

Daliah I don't know what you mean

Ralph Do me a favor and do what you always do Spread your legs for Armando, give him a smile, moan a little and make him forget about money

Daliah YOU KNOW PERFECTLY I DON'T DO THAT WITH YOUR FATHER!

Ralph STOP CALLING THAT MAN 'MY FATHER'! Fuck! You've already screwed up my mood

Daliah Can't I worry about you?

Ralph No, you can't You can't worry about me

Daliah Is it for Armando? Does he bother you that he pays more attention to me than to you?

Ralph Look Just keep quiet about me buying some dope I need something to inspire me OK?

Daliah Ralph...

Ralph Your changes are fun First you play sweet, then you play threatening But to me you make me laugh Others will be afraid of you, but you make me laugh in particular

Daliah Ok, got it But do we talk more calmly about this? I don't want to lose my job, you know?

Ralph Poor of you then Lie as you always do You are used to lying

----Ralph has disconnected---- ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I wait for MC to finish reading. So Ralph is Armando Serrano's son? I suppose that by hating him he will not even want to use his last name. "It's strange to read Ralph like this" I hear MC commenting ", he seems like a quiet boy." "Quiet people have a limit if they are bothered" I say, although I am also surprised after reading the chats between them ". This could cause problems between father and son." "Why would she get involved in these issues?" I hear her exhale heavily "Why did she have to do these things?" "Ralph said she was imitating someone" I read the words carefully "Who exactly?" “I have no idea." I hear her yawn and laugh. "Tired?" "I haven't rested since last night." "I see…" I smile as I deepen my voice a bit. I hear her make a surprised sound, like she is realized what I said. I laugh and hear her complain, telling me that is not it. I cannot help but imagine her safely covering her face, blushing. “You shouldn't have said that, Jake.” I can hear the annoyance in her voice. "Because?" "Well, because we are in a serious conversation" I nod as I make a sound in my throat ", you can't do this to me, I want to think of our next clue." "Alright" I sigh, lying down on the bed. The pillow still smells like her. I closed my eyes, smiling ". But like I said, I want to take advantage of any moment with you." "And does it have to be at night?" “It is the quietest moment we have." She chuckles and I hear the sound of sheets. "Can you stay on the phone again until I fall asleep?" She asks me, with a soft voice "Tomorrow we'll continue with this conversation" I am going to say something, but she stops me ". The conversation about Ralph and Daliah." "That is what I was going to say." Her laugh is like a soft melody. It makes me feel a nice chill through my body ". Good night, love." "Good night, Jake." I get up and go back to investigate the information about the supposed son of Krebs, listening in the background to the soft breathing of MC.

I hope the sound of the keys does not bother her too much.

Chapter 23

#duskwood #duskwood jake #duskwood mc #duskwood jake x mc #duskwood fanfic #duskwood everbyte #everbyte #everbyte studio

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cowboyslikedean · 19 days ago

Note

Thank you for your very thorough response! I have some more questions for you.

Do you have any favourite tropes? Any least favourites? And anything you specifically can’t stand in fanfic?

Lots of love, your secret valentine 💌

hello! apologies this took a while:

favs

Angst!! all the angst!!

generally i think this is fairly self explanatory, but honestly, i thought i would put it down as i’m gathering ur a writer and i would like here to give u a free reign opportunity that if there’s an angst fest that fits no other trope that i love, but has been sitting in your drafts for years and you love it but writing is HARD with no deadline: go for it!

Deaths door/presumed dead.

i want to watch them lose their fucking marbles. properly insane. people are getting the wrong idea and it would be so easy to let it be the truth on paper, because maybe then someone could understand the enormity of loss. in a slightly diff vein i am also down bad for deathbed confessions that they then have to live to see the consequences of.

marriage of convenience/fake married/undercover couple

ok so i know these aren’t all the same thing, but i love them all for similar reasons. with fake married/undercover as a couple fics, i just wish there were more that were early-mid seasons based - i love the later seasons ones bc it’s often from a place of AT LEAST mulder already sort of. being aware why he enjoys this so much and the angst involved there. but i do crave more of the early-mid seasons of “oh this isn’t so bad. this is pretty easy actually. ah shit why is this so easy.” | Alternatively, marriage of convenience mid seasons has soooo much room for angst and miscommunication. maybe it’s for some weird legal reason. maybe it’s after (or even just before) emily - mulder becomes obsessed with the idea that he can prevent her from ever being turned down by the agencies and courts again. maybe it’s earlier, say mid cancer arc, and scully breaks down in the office after having coffee with her mother. maggie had quietly handed her the pair of blue pearl earrings she wore when she married Bill Snr over terrible coffee, asking her to wear them if she ever needs to get dressed up for something - and scully knows it’s because maggie has given up on being able to give them to either of her daughters on their wedding day, and mulder is in dire need of finding something he can actually fix. however it is: it is not meant to be romantic. having JUST ABOUT everything you want is a killer.

Hanahaki

listen i know this is oddly specific but there really are not enough of them! for obvious reasons i lean towards the version of the trope where the love doesn’t have to actually be unrequited, the person afflicted just has to believe it is. a trope made for a casefile.

forced proximity

pretty self explanatory - i am a sucker for a good the dam breaks snapping of tension moment. double points if they fight first because they’re just soooooo mad about wanting to jump the other persons bones and they cannot take any more of it and they’re like an arm length away at all times.

bisexuality

this isn’t a trope but i’m throwing it in anyway - big fan of when either or both of them r incidentally bisexual in fic. when it’s just thrown in offhand.

a fun AU!

i like these most when they’re pretty one step removed - contemporary to the show time wise, with a bunch of fun what ifs. always here for a fun take on a soulmate au, but also love a more non supernatural or extraterrestrial au.

mulder or scully /other to msr

i like these most when it’s an original character - i think it can be really interesting to see how the other would genuinely react and respond. how quickly would they realise? would they do anything? how long would they NOT do anything? why?

third person tense

this isn’t a trope it’s just the tense i like to read most! no biggie if it’s not ur jam though, just trying to add as much info as possible :)

not favs

colonisation/post col fics or fics with a huge amount of emphasis on the mytharc. idk man just not really my thing.

not a huge reader of historical au

also despite my love of angst i’m not a massive reader of diana angst! not sure why, just not super my thing.

ok that was far from exhaustive but hope u got enough to go with!! again if there’s anything you’re desperate to write that doeesn’t fit in anywhere there - feel free!! would rather read something you’re passionate about than something catered to me that you hate.

thank u so much for reading <3

#lucys ramblings #anonymous #poangpals valentine #valentine anon

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punishedsurge · 1 year ago

Text

SBFC 003: My Snake Have Started to Move

Woolie sets up the website, it dies right away and he stays up all night trying to buy better servers and make sure the shit works.

Audible is the first ever sponsor, Woolie says it’s a product he uses and is comfortable advertising. He goes on to list Opie and Anthony as a favorite radio show on the service, he mentions they have Louis C.K interviews on their show. Some comic called Woolie Shitlocks.

[Anthony Cumia got kicked off the show with his name in the title because of racist tirades on Twitter dot com. Louis C.K was cancelled for jerking off in front of people, maybe DON’T do that?]

As Matt cleaned his snake’s tank it escaped the temporary enclosure, he calls out to the silent predator, its name is Jack. “My snake have started to move.”

Pat: Woolie, who are you?

Woolie: A black person.

They make it a point to introduce themselves so the listener knows who is who, and realize they didn’t do it last week.

Woolie: I’m gonna let everyone in on a little secret: Woolie isn’t a nickname.

Pat: That’s not a secret. Are you going to let people know the real secret? As to—

Woolie: NOOO. YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP.

[A mystery we still don’t know, probably.]

They talk about where the podcast is available. [You could listen to them on the Zune, what a fuckin’ throwback.]

On to their weeks:

Liam played Dragon’s Crown. He also watched episode 1 of RWBY, he says the action is good but the characters are shallow and tropey, the rest of the writing doesn’t fare better. He doesn’t think he’ll keep watching it. 6/20 review score.

[RWBY is fairly popular, I only see rule 34 in my feed on the rare occasion.]

Matt has been working on Rustlemania and playing Divekick, is hyped for Killer is Dead. His birthday is today (the day the podcast publishes, they record the day before) so his birthday is coming up.

Pat has an aside. He played Saints Row 4 on pc and tried to fix a texture issue, he ended up having the entire rig shit on itself and then just played Divekick on every other console he has. Dork girl beats his ass with Kenny in every match she picks him. He tried to play FF14 but it was broken so he was unable to, Woolie jokes it’s because of its massive popularity.

Woolie has been mourning his recently bought, pre-owned launch PS3 that was also repaired. The group talks about how many 360 consoles they have burned through; Woolie went through 3, Pat through 4, Liam broke 1 at work, Matt went through 5 at work and only 1 personal console. Woolie laments the issue with getting his saves off the console because apparently PS doesn’t automatically back up your saves digitally? Finally he looked up the podcast’s performance, Ep 002 hit #15 the day it came out.

Gamescom time:

They start with the Xbox showcase, or the lack of anything. They laugh at Fighter Within, Liam calls it flail simulator, Woolie calls it QWOP for Kinect. Matt wants to get a copy of Fighter Uncaged and compare the two games jokingly, he then says the game’s screenshots look nice, like it would be a game he’d play if it were an actual fighting game.

PS4 talk begins with talking about how ugly the red and blue Dualshock controllers are, Pat blames it on the ugly PS4 controller. They agree it’s way more comfortable than the PS3, Pat says it’s 1% better than the 360 pad, “Completely negligible,” he states. Pat feels the Xbone controller is worse and feels bulkier, doesn’t care for the ‘Impulse Triggers’, or rumble in general.

They lust for the White Xbox One, which was ultra limited at the beginning of the console cycle. They spiral down conversations about wanting specific color consoles and cobbling their limited run handhelds together to keep them for longer.

The rest of the news:

Wonderful 101 was meant to be a Nintendo crossover game, similar to Smash Bros. They discuss which weapons would correlate to which character, then Liam says, “Yo, a Captain Falcon character action racing game by Platinum!” Pat and Woolie pog. Pat believes there will a Star Fox-like level in Wonderful 101 that just barely skirts the line of being Star Fox, based on Kamiya’s constant talks about the IP.

[Platinum Games made a Star Fox game in 2016, I think people liked it.]

Matt brings up the issue with potentially making 101 a crossover game, claiming people would complain Nintendo is not making new IPs, but then voices that people are already complaining it’s not a crossover game. “Damned if you do, damned if you don’t,” he aptly says.

Pat: The problem is that new IPs are great, but crossovers are rarer than new IPs.

[AYYY LMAOOOO THIS ONE TRULY AGED LIKE SHIT. Sasuke, Doom Guy and Ariana Grande squadded up about to hit 2013 Pat like a fucking Mack truck.]

Rare is ‘kicking around ideas for their IPs’. They lament the state of the studio. Matt states ex-employees said they had dozens of game ideas and Xbox shot them all down because they didn’t include Kinect integration. Woolie and Matt mock Banjo Kazooie Nuts and Bolts. Pat doesn’t care about the upcoming Killer Instinct reboot, but says he’d care more if Rare was working on it.

[Rare has put out Rare Replay and Sea of Thieves, they worked with the devs who made KI and the newest Battletoads, and Everwild has yet to be a real game. Not a great record, but hey Banjo and Kazooie got into Smash Bros, that’s something I guess. Also Nuts and Bolts walked so TOTK could run. The validity of the last statement is irrelevant because I have played neither.]

This section is dubbed “SNK get your shit together” by Liam. Evidently there are 4 games called KOF Online, this most recent one is a MOBA. They joke about other kinds of weird spinoff games the series could be, RTS, etc. Woolie proposes Metal Slug as a Maple Story type of game.

Blizzard is not opposed to making World of Warcraft free-to-play. Pat claims they’re on the way to it, based on the decline of players in the game. He also mentions cosmetic packs that players can buy have been very successful. Liam asks their guesses for FTP, Pat says in 2016, Woolie mentions ‘Titan’ is delayed until 2016 so he guesses 2015, Matt agrees with someone, Liam says 8 months.

[WoW has maintained ‘free up to level 20’, which was started in 2011 from what I can see, so they’re all wrong. We can all blame WoW whales for the microtransactions hellscape being normalized, fuck you MMO dorks. Titan, a new MMO, was delayed in 2013 but was actually cancelled internally, a small team of 40 (from 140) were tasked with making a new game. They made Overwatch.]

Woolie doesn’t care about the FTP date because the farthest things on his ‘list’ are SF5 and the Mars Mission in 2023, where we’ll be sending humans up to the red planet to colonize.

[Lmao that Mars shit ain’t happening bud, grab a brewski and enjoy the end of the world if you can see through the smoke. Street Fighter 5 released on 2/16/2016, so he didn’t have to wait too long.]

FFXIV relaunched and people are turning around on the game, the problem is the server are entirely busted. [They go into a viewer question that asks which MMOs the boys played, it’s not interesting enough to reiterate here. But Pat did say this:]

Pat: Phantasy Star Online isn’t an MMO. PSO2 is, but you’re never going to get it, shut up.

[PSO2 is on all major consoles and is playable outside of Asia as of 2020, thanks Xbox.]

Fite Game time:

Woolie and Liam played Aquapazza. They like it as a fighting game but are confused as to why *this* one is coming to the West.

Woolie jokes that Undernight Inbirth is coming over, they all agree that it doesn’t need to come over. [It did eventually, as well as its sequel.]

Yatagarasu is getting renamed to Legend of Raven for the Western release, it is also switching from 3DS to Vita. They wonder why the full switch from the different handhelds, Matt says it’s because Nicalis is “a shit publisher that will do anything they can to get the easiest thing….” He is spoken over by Liam and Woolie who adamantly contest his claim.

Woolie says Nicalis deserves respect because he is the guy who convinced Pixel (creator of Cave Story) to get back into making games. Matt’s issue with them is that they promise new games for years, then do not support them. Woolie and Liam are still upset with ‘shit publisher’, Matt doesn’t back down.

Pat tries to divert away from the topic by calling Capcom a shit publisher. They aren’t giving Ace Attorney 5 a retail release, and the WiiU version of Shadow over Mystara has been delayed until September. No one knows why he brought that up during the fite game section.

Ultra Street Fighter 4 is coming out and getting rebalanced. Liam and Pat will fight to the death over Hakan’s oil. Post hit KOs were breaking the game so they took it out.

Killer Instinct has a bit of info. They feel the model for KI is weird with the ‘packs’ that were being introduced, apparently they were different than the new character add-ons and is confusing. Pat would have preferred if they made the whole game then released “Super KI” later like Capcom.

Liam: The biggest bummer for me is that there’s no physical version.

Pat: Hey Liam, get used to that being a bummer.

Matt: Ken Lobb said the physical version will come out way later.

Pat: Oh, I meant in general.

[Killer Instinct’s model is the current model for most fighting games now: launch, add new purchasable characters and costumes, add other free stuff, update until you’re done. Lack of physical releases has only gotten worse, physical is disappearing everyday. I personally don’t care but the choice should remain.]

Pat is concerned about game preservation. If a digital storefront is closing, like Games for Windows Live, the games on it will simply disappear; he also brings up the issue of discs needing to activate via server pinging. He has an opinion about Xbox wanting people to buy into their online infrastructure, even though they have shuttered the OG Xbox online service as well as Games for Windows, though he doesn’t quite finish the thought. He does call those 2 services garbage, however.

[This section is still very relevant, but Pat hasn’t even seen the worst of it yet. Nintendo has closed the Wii, WiiU, and 3DS shops, entirely cutting off the last legal avenue to obtain those games easily; they clearly hate game preservation so it’s a good that emulation is a thing. Xbox has at least tried to get older games onto their backwards compatibility library, though the amount of exemptions is undeniable. We’re still waiting to the Xbox 360 closure coming July 2024, they are vocal about preserving as many titles as possible before then. PS and Xbox are no longer making all-new storefronts it seems, so that’s a plus.]

They have a discussion about how online services lasting longer than it’s initial lifetime is rare, they end up comparing games like APB to digital storefronts, which really aren’t comparable. Pat believes Steam is the gold standard that all other online services should be compared to.

Back to KI [yeah, we’re still on that topic], Ken Lobb promises that KI will be THE first party fighter, they will keep adding onto it rather than make a sequel. A new character was accidentally shown in a Thunder video provided to Gamestrailers, Woolie believes it was Kim-Wu but it is actually Sadira; Maximillian Dood is the only one with the footage of the character so he went sort of viral for it.

Matt thinks all the old characters should be in the game first before a new one, they rip on Spinal for being a dumb skeleton. They also speculate how the returning characters will play.

[Spinal is undoubtably awesome in this KI. The devs release both new and returning characters throughout the game’s life and no one really seemed to complain about all old characters not being before characters like Hisako and Rash.]

Ben Affleck is confirmed the new Batman, “what’s his face” is still Superman. Woolie describes Zack Snyder flicks as ‘cool action, nothing in between.’ Woolie gives Batfleck the benefit of the doubt because of Heath Ledger’s Joker, Pat says Affleck already sucked as Daredevil so he has no faith in the casting. Matt retorts with Chris Evans going from the Human Torch to Captain America. Matt continues with saying people shouldn’t be mad about Batfleck, they should be mad they’re getting ANOTHER Man of Steel movie.

Pat: Ben Affleck has like a 13 movie deal…

Matt: Everyone has a 13 movie deal.

Woolie: Until it tanks.

A bit of an aside, but they get to Mark Hamill voicing the Joker, they state how he’s ‘not doing it anymore’ because Troy Baker is voicing the character in Arkham Origin.

Pat: Troy Baker is going to be the new everything.

[Ben Affleck was fine(?) as Batman. We wasn’t Batman in very many DC movies, cameo or otherwise. Not naming Henry Cavill as Superman is hilarious to hear today because of his status as the unhygienic nerd’s power fantasy come to life: absolutely nothing against the man himself, he’s just a dude. Mark Hamill voiced Joker plenty of times after Arkham Origins; he has stated that he’s no longer interested in portraying Joker now that Kevin Conroy, his Batman, has passed. I hear Troy Baker a lot less nowadays, probably because game devs are avoiding using unionized actors.]

Matt Watch:

He is stalking Trish Stratus, iconic WWE Diva. She owns yoga studios in Toronto called the Stratusphere.

Questions:

“So, has many times has Matt been banned on Neogaf?”

3 times.

“At any point in your life, were you ever sucked up in a shitty card game?”

Woolie: Marvel trading cards, Yomi

Pat: Triple Triad [Answer Validity Contested]

Liam: Magi-Nation, Neopets card game, Legend of the 5 Rings

Matt: Killer Instinct fighting card game, Udon Street Fighter

“Have you ever cosplayed?”

Liam: Brown haired guy in the blue team from Ouendan 2, Neku from TWEWY, Naoto from Person 4.

Woolie: Xavier Stone from Guitar Hero.

“Woolie, why do you hate Deadly Premonition?”

Woolie: I don’t get it. It’s weird in a way I don’t get. It doesn’t appeal to me.

They jokingly talk about the requirement to finish a game before you can dislike it. It leads to Woolie calling out “the i, Robot game.”

Pat: Binary Domain, a great game that you hate because it’s kind of racist.

Woolie: When your black character makes Cole Train look like Nelson Mandela, there’s a problem.

Pat: I wish that Nelson Mandela made Boateng look like Cole Train.

What’s coming up:

Maybe start the next LP, coming 9/1 or 9/2. Rustlemania, one-offs.

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dishtothedeath · 2 years ago

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Morgan | Chapter 3 Verdict Reaction | Enjoy the Silence

Deep down, there was a part of Morgan that genuinely believed Bonbon Bourbon couldn’t possibly be behind something so heinous.

That he wasn’t a killer clown from outer space, a menacing statue of dubious origin sitting in one corner of the room, or a beloved public figure who hid bodies under the house foundation. It was just too obvious to lean into something like that. The man cared about what he did and, clearly, was even good at it, personal grievances aside.

This time, Morgan doesn’t look away from the ghoulish murder as it plays out in horrified silence. If he doesn’t watch it, it would probably be easier to remain shocked and to prolong the mental gymnastics of tracing everything back to whoever he hated most in the heat of the moment. There’s just no way. That makeup is a bitch to put on and take off, probably.

But no. It’s not a complicated affair for Bonbon at all, because that’s what he’s trained to do, after all—he’ll even go on to show just how swiftly he can remove it at the table in a few minutes.

What happened to Emil was not merciful. There was nothing accidental about it. The deliberate means of ending their life when the first attempt failed and using their head as a party decoration is a delightful, sick, one-of-a-kind affair from someone who just can’t be satisfied with what they have.

He recalls parts of their pool game and remembers thinking about each awful shot he took with the pool cue and with his words:

"You know? The little act you put on is beginning to grate on me, now that you mention it. Are you really going to keep this up after all that's happened? After you have already been so rattled by things? You think maybe it is... Inappropriate? Tone deaf, for the situation?"

And the response, too fucking sympathetic, "I know how you feel" expanded into far too many words:

"This's a really hard time on everybody. Easy t'lose sight of things to the tragedy of it all. This's one'a the most difficult things folks can live through. I figure that, in th'wake of things, it might be nice for folks to have a laugh, smile, forget about it fer a bit. That's what clowns do! We make folks happy."

There’s something vindicating when the realization hits over a gut feeling being right in the wake of man terrifying possibilities, but whatever this is? Ain't it. Whether it was deliberate or coincidental for things to end up the way they did in ways that could be traced back to him is hard to say, but when the footage finally ends and he regards Bonbon—no, Inigo—unmasked, any of the usual smug vindictiveness Morgan typically reacts with has been replaced with black, hateful rage that simmers beneath the surface, too heavy for him to run off the rails with.

This is an incident that will fester for years, the sudden intrusive thought he’ll remember just like customers at his first retail job, the sort of lifelong sting that no amount of money and therapy will ever fix. And it won’t just be Bonbon’s face he sees, either, but at least Yukari hasn’t murdered anyone. Yet. What a joke of a low bar to trip over.

Despite that, Morgan’s still disgusted by his own actions, remembering his deliberate if not outright irritating effort dropping hints about Giselle’s fondness around Bonbon with the subtlety of a sledgehammer to the bathroom sink, thinking it was cute; his own personal race of nudging her toward someone first before anyone else got there once he got even the slightest inkling of a hint. She deserves happiness. She’s a nice girl.

Now Giselle—dear, sweet Giselle who could do no wrong, who Morgan would defend to the end of heaven, earth, and the internet alike, is more than just a house divided. She is crumbling in on her own foundation, swallowed by a sinkhole that has opened beneath, shattered and destroyed just like whatever happened to bring her to his attention to begin with.

Voting for himself wasn’t the only thing he had the guts to gamble on, either. He really had the fucking gall to accuse her of making that cake, huh?

"Are you? Are you making folks happy? Or are you making yourself happy, playing this character and thriving under your disguise of anonymity? It is cute, at first, I think. And maybe in the end it is your way of safety, your way of security—I cannot say. Who hurt you so badly, I wonder, to scare you so much to the point where this is how you act? Where you prance around corpses dressed like a fucking clown."

He'd only said that because he was irritated by the overt cheerfulness. The conversation looms in his mind.

Morgan’s intimately familiar with heartbreak. He’s caused it. He’s earned it. He’s dealt with it inside and out every which way, the sting of betrayal, the pressure of denial, the agonizing clutch of razors inside of him especially when it’s something of his own doing.

His own problems are insignificant in this moment. Being upstaged by his own basket ingredients is meaningless, and it feels strange to be content in mediocrity; he does not react at all with the emphasis on European fusion once again, no relative thoughts hitting him as he and Skull-kun lock eyes.

There are more important things. He looks at Fergus again, and if there’s a way to beam gratitude directly into his brain, Morgan hopes he can feel it.

But this, for these kids?

That’s a special kind of evil for Inigo to redirect his motives toward Giselle and Alfie, to break the kindest hearts and crush these sweet, sweet roses until the petals fall.

He looks at Inigo again. There is still sympathy in a way that he knows he can understand, maybe a bit of envy knowing that, for him, at least there was something to take revenge on, regardless of whether or not it was the morally correct thing to do. It was something to believe in, the last memory of loss, one cut viciously by something that remained to act upon.

Morgan hates him. Morgan also respects him.

Owner of a lonely heart.

Much better than the owner of a broken heart.

He picks up his knife and fork and eats.

#submission #ch3 #reaction #trial #morgan

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junhorhee · 2 years ago

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charlotteoh:

Why was it him? It’s a question that circulates in Charlotte’s head, too. Efe was a kind man, and nothing about this was fair or made sense. She stays quiet for a moment, giving Jun the time and room to let out whatever he was feeling, focusing on him instead. Thinking of Efe brings her a baggage of emotions that make her uncomfortable and stressed. She doesn’t want to be reminded of how their last conversation had went and how there’s nothing she could do to fix it and how he didn’t deserve any of this. She keeps her arms wrapped around him, hoping the physical affection can lessen some of the grief, if only a little. Despite how dangerous everything is, being with Jun here does make her feel safer. It’s all so fresh, it hasn’t even been two hours since his death was announced, so Charlotte naturally knows nothing she can do can take that pain away, and being there for him is important, but it still makes her feel a little helpless. “I don’t know… I don’t know, Jun,” she whispers softly. Why were the killers doing all of this and why haven’t they been caught yet are two of many unanswered questions. “None of it is fair, and they didn’t deserve that, no.” She reaches to gently swipe her forefinger across his cheek, wiping the stray tear. “Do you… do you think it’ll end soon? All of this?” Charlotte’s never really been the type to see the glass half full in any situation, and this one is much, much worse, the facts proving that none of this seems to be changing soon.

He's thankful to have had his best friend as long as he did, to have Efe there for every major moment of his life, but it's a hard reality to face that he wouldn't have the same luxury anymore, the same support he'd leaned on more than he realized. Jun wishes he could be more composed right now, that every time the tears subsided they'd only begin again, and he can imagine Efe patting his back and making some joke to make him feel better. The grief doesn't subside because the thought is nothing but a fragment of his imagination, a moment that will never occur. Jun has never been the kind of person to grow angry, but even if sadness is the overwhelming emotion burdening his well-being, there's an anger there too, wondering why it was either of them, two people who were good at their cores. He nods to her words, closing his eyes as he feels her finger on his cheek and lets out a shaky breath. Her question stumps him, makes him pause and press his lips together. Jun wishes he could give Charlotte a more hopeful answer, because despite the field he worked in, the loss he'd witnessed whether it be occupational or due to the killers that had plagued this town, he was optimistic in many ways. He liked to see the good, and believed that things would be better. But all of that felt so far from the clear answer in his mind. "No," he lets out. "I don't think it will. Unless something changes." The police hadn't been successful once, and even last time at the gala, their success in finding the killers had only come after mass terror and the murderers turning against each other. Jun wondered if they'd be left to witness more and more loss until someone slipped up.

#junho / interactions #c; charlotte oh

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mckinlily · 3 years ago

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I kinda really want a de-aged au where Jason “No More Dead Robins” Todd has to deal with all his brothers when they were first joining the Bat/Wayne family and has to try (and consistently fail) to keep them from becoming Robin.

Like there’s some random magic user who casts a spell for [hand wave plot necessitated reason here] and Jason is just chillin doing his Red Hood thing, but when the spell starts to take affect, Bruce is off world on some League mission so Jason ends up having to handle it all on his own.

First to show up is Dick. Or rather, tiny, grieving, baby Dick. Jason’s first surprise is that baby!Dick isn’t the cheerful, happy, carefree kid Jason always assumed he had to be. No, tiny Dick is angry. He’s bitter and snappish and hell bent on finding—and killing—his parents’ murderer. At first Jason is selfishly pleased to find out Golden Boy wasn’t quite so golden after all and encourages getting vengeance, take that, Bruce! This only lasts like a day, though, because Jason realizes, feelings about the One Rule and his personal moral code aside, encouraging a nine year old to kill is seriously messed up.

So Jason’s next step his to take Dick back to his second favorite safe house and tell him to stay put while he tracks down whatever/whoever did this to Nightwing and fix it.

This plan hits a snag because guess what tiny, nine year old Dick does not do? Tiny Dick does not believe Jason when he says he’s his brother from the future. Tiny Dick doesn’t care if he is in the future. He’s still going to find his parents’ killer and end him. Some guy with a weird helmet isn’t going to stop him. Jason discovers this when he runs across tiny Dick leaping between buildings in Crime Alley while on patrol.

Jason drags him back to the safe house and locks all the doors and windows. He runs across tiny Dick again three blocks later. He returns Dick to the safe house. Dick is out again in less than an hour. How is this possible?! Jason is Bat and League trained, he knows how to secure a location, how can he not contain ONE (1) small circus child?!?!!

And yet. Dick keeps escaping. He has tentatively accepted that he isn’t in his time and his parents’ murderer isn’t around at this time for him to confront. But this has only led him to the conclusion that he needs to help Jason fix this so he can go back to him own time and get his revenge. No, Jason cannot stop him.

(Really. Jason can not stop him. Jason is starting to wonder if the creation of Robin was much less Batman taking on a child solider as his partner and much more a desperate attempt to keep eyes on an insane child escape artist.)

Then baby Tim shows up.

Baby Tim has noticed that Batman has not been around and that Jason seems to be acting in his stead. Baby Tim has concerns. Baby Tim’s solution to this is to confront Jason—the six foot two jacked man with guns as baby Tim helpfully (accusingly) points out—and demand to know his relationship with Batman. Jason is so flabbergasted, he spends twenty minutes splutter-shouting at Tim about self-preservation and acceptable risk and ends up bundling up the kid in blankets in the spare room and ordering him to take a nap. And then locks himself in his own room to scream to himself about eleven year olds who sneak into Crime Alley to confront crime lords with guns.

Jason also maybe tells (demands) baby Tim to never, ever become Robin when he wakes up (and goes straight for the coffee. Good to know some things never change). Tim seems a little baffled, eyes going wide at the suggestion that he could be Robin and oh, whoops, Jason just accidentally gave him ideas, didn’t he? Luckily, Tim listens and agrees to home.

(Or at least, so Jason believes.)

Meanwhile, Dick has gone off on his own again. He not going to wait on adults to get back to his own time. And Jason left his notes open on his computer anyway. Jason is only sort-maybe-totally panicking by the time he tracks own his older-turned-much-younger brother in the worst part of Gotham. How did a tiny child get so far on his own?!

Finally acknowledging that he won’t outclass his stupid golden older brother even when he’s nine years old, the ass, can’t he let Jason have this one thing?!, Jason talks Dick into sticking with him to solve the issue. Jason tells himself it’s because he can be persuasive and charming when he wants to be. He’s pretty sure it’s actually because tiny Dick doesn’t trust him to share relevant information if he isn’t right there with him. Whatever. At this point, if it keeps the tiny terror in his sight, he’ll take it.

Jason does insist on getting Dick decent gear if he’s going to follow Red Hood through the streets Gotham (How did Jason get to this point?! He can’t be becoming Bruce. He REFUSES. He blames this angry gremlin child—who just smiled at him and it was like seeing the sun for the first time after winter, and what the hell is wrong with him?!?). Jason figures they’ll drop by the Batcave and snag one of Damien’s first costumes. Jason finds out where the original Robin name came from. There are tears. Jason will not admit they weren’t just Dick’s

(Oh, is that was Nightwing threw such a fit when Jason first put on the Robin suit? Jason thinks he owes him an apology or two for the grudge he’s held over that. Also Bruce deserves a good punch to the face.)

Eventually the tears are temporarily on hold, but Dick refuses to wear any of Damien or even Tim’s old suits. Jason gives in and tries to get him to at least wear darker colors. Dick refuses. Jason tries to get him to wear pants. Dick still refuses. Jason doesn’t understand how he’s losing an argument with a nine year old, but he is. Badly.

(Somewhere, Bruce is laughing at him, Jason just knows it. He owes Batman so many punches.)

So now Red Hood is somewhat desperately tracking down the rogue spell caster with a brightly colored shadow that is alternating between impish laughter and moods so dark it worries Jason. He really needs to get his big brother back. He’s patting himself on the back for at least keeping Tim out of this…

When he finds out Tim’s version of “don’t become Robin” is to follow them around as a civilian with nothing but a camera. He hasn’t changed clothes since Jason last saw him and his questions about where he’s been are disturbingly evasive. Jason abruptly remembers that eleven year old Tim didn’t live at the Manor yet and with the status of Drake Manor now—Jason’s questions become more desperate. Tim’s answers become more worryingly evasive.

Ok, so now Jason two reckless, de-aged baby brothers to keep track of. This time, it only take five instances of Tim climbing out a window (he swears baby Dick is giving him hints, the dick) for Jason to throw the kid into a bulletproof suit (at least this one agrees to pants) and dragging him along with them.

By the time Damien arrives, (even more) bitty and murderous, Jason throws the towel in. Somehow Dickface transformed the murder gremlin into a semi-functional human being by making him Robin, so Jason shoves a suit at him, makes up some bullshit about “right of passage” and “earning a place next to Batman”, and lays down the rules of being Robin. Namely, no killing. Jason doesn’t know how he became the one enforcing the No Killing rule but 1) He really doesn’t want to deal with getting stabbed by the Demon Brat and 2) They’re…kids. And no, Jason isn’t changing his moral code. Some people need to die, and he stands by that. But… But he doesn’t want kids doing the killing. Taking a life is heavy, and he doesn’t want his brothers to have to carry that. Not now.

…Maybe not even ever.

(Is that what Batman and Nightwing—? No. Nope. Shutting that down. Not examining that.)

Good news is that Damien does follow the no kill rule, and there are not attempted murder attempts. Damnit, Dickface was right, baby-baby Damien does bleed a need for acceptance in the most stabby and murderous way possible. Underneath the snobbery and death glares, he is desperately trying to meet all Jason’s expectations. Doesn’t mean he isn’t still an incredibly difficult kid.

And while Jason has the sense, or at least self-preservation instincts, not to try to keep this on in the house (by this point, he’s grudgingly moved to staying at the Manor and begged Alfred’s assistance and home-cooked food), Red Hood is still out in the field with three baby Robins. Damien is certainly most trained and best equipped of the three and, theoretically, in least amount a danger. But he also keeps diving into conflict, sometimes in fights that Jason hadn’t even intended to be involved with, out of some combination of pride and misguided belief that leaping into outnumbered fights will lead to a closer chance to meet his dad.

(And the reasoning behind that doesn’t make Jason sad. It doesn’t.)

Jason lasts maybe two days before he’s breaking out the emergency communication and calling Bruce to come home and manage his Robins. Jason’s message left on the Justice League servers are 90% swear words and death threats and he probably landed himself back on some sort of watch list again, but he needs to make sure Bruce drops the damn mission and comes home right now.

(Jason doesn’t know it and wouldn’t believe it if he did, but Bruce would come home if Jason asked for help with a paper cut. It’s his son and Jason. Coming to him. For help. For all his faults and mistakes with Jason, all Bruce ever wanted was to help his son.)

Bruce zetas home immediately, and Jason has the satisfaction of seeing Bruce isn’t actually all that more effective at keeping his actively insane brother out of the field either. Bruce does have experience with his sons at this age though and, though he can’t keep them from Robin-ing, is at least better at getting through to them in other ways at these ages than Jason. He, with the help Alfred (it’s mostly Alfred, tbh), manage to wrangle the tinies enough that Batman and Red Hood can make a break for it to take down the rogue magic user.

(Bruce may have pulled in a LOT of League resources to find them. For the sake of his second son’s clearly-frazzled sanity.)

Once everyone is back to normal, Jason maybe nearly cries when adult!Dick immediately jumps in to mediate whatever argument/fight that Tim and Damien promptly starts up. He definitely embarrasses himself by hugging his older brother when he’s back to his cheerful, adult self. “We are never talking about this, Dickface. Never.”

Dick is too busy cooing over Jason being “such a good big brother!” to listen. Jason shoves him at the Demon Brat because he is DONE with being responsible for crazy preteens and Dick deserves it after the hell baby him put him through for the last week and change. Tim makes a beeline for the Batcomputer, already rambling about all the cases he dropped while he was inadvertently transformed into his younger self, clearly entering a hyper fixation fugue state and Jason will have yank him out of it in—

Wait. No. That’s Bruce’s problem now. Jason is not getting involved.

(Keep telling yourself that, says a voice in his head that sounds annoyingly like Dick. Jason kindly tells it to fuck off.)

Bruce is hovering in that “I want to talk to you about something but would also rather have all the bones violently ripped from my body than express that with words” way, and normally Jason would rather remove his molars with a crowbar (yeah, that crowbar) than be alone with Bruce when he gets like that. But after over a week of being responsible for increasingly insane baby Robins, Bruce’s company is honestly the most preferable and isn’t that sad.

But then Bruce opens his mouth like he’s actually going to say something, possibly something infuriating like “thank you for looking out for your brothers” and Jason can’t have that, so he starts yelling. It starts something like "What were you thinking making kids Robin?!” and “How couldn’t you stop them?!” and “WERE THEY ALL THIS INSANE!?!!”

The answer is yes, yes, they were. Bruce is only slightly amused by Jason’s reaction to what has been, for nearly twenty years now, his daily life.

After Jason has yelled most his stress out and been assured, yes, this is just the normal response to children, what the hell, Bruce says something like, “it was the same with you.”

Jason’s death glare would be more effective if he didn’t pull it out every time he talked to Bruce. As it is, Bruce is remarkably unaffected. And even goes on to add, “Robin was how I convinced you to stay.”

And Jason would love to deny it, yell at Bruce and remain blind, but he’s exhausted and drained and just completed a crash course in yeah, kids are really fucking hard, actually.

And thing is…he remembers. He remembers being a street kid suddenly taken in by Batman. He remembers being scared and cold and hungry and having no understanding of what kindness meant. No comprehension of the idea of someone who would simply want to help. For nothing in return. Being Robin—it gave him a reason. A purpose and job to tell, to tell himself he was earning his keep, to keep his mind from jumping to other, so much worse uses for a young boy.

It does fix everything. Jason isn’t magically slotted perfect back into the family. He’s still mad at Bruce for a whole laundry list of things. But for the first time… maybe putting kids in costumes to fight crime still was an irresponsible, crazy, stupid thing to do. But it wasn’t like Jason was able to do any better.

Turns out his brothers are just really fucking insane, actually.

Guess that’s what made them family.

#batfamily #whoops I wrote a thing #jason being dragged kicking and screaming towards realizations about his family?#or something #mckinlily writes: batfam fic

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d3nt4l-d4m4g3 · 4 years ago

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A few days ago, I emailed my former professor about a paper on women’s food practices in the middle ages. At least, that’s what I told him it was about, initially.

But actually, I wanted to discuss heresy. This professor teaches a women’s rights course every year. Every year at the beginning of the class, he calls attention to why he, a man, is talking about women’s rights. He looks us in the eyes and says, no one else is doing it, and I’m sorry it’s me.

This man made us read the SCUM manifesto, Gerda Lerner, Maria Mies. He grazed the subject of the Lesbian Sex Wars, delicately, so gingerly, posing the question: “Can sex work ever be just work?” And my (all woman) classmates, generally mute—in a Women’s Rights class, they all seemed averse to saying the word “woman,” at all. Then one woman raised her hand. and she said, “Sex work is real work.” A statement that, as I hope you know, is a deflection and a discussion killer.

At the time I was non-binary. Hah. I submitted a comic at the end of the year of my final project. My thesis for that project was this: the very language female people have to use for themselves was constructed by the patriarchy. for example, the english word “vagina” comes from the latin word for “sheath”. so the vagina invokes the act of penetration upon its utterance. Whereas the word “penis” has no clear etymological root, implying that it is original while the vagina is constructed for him. Why should I carry the fact that I will always be a tool, the hole, of the human that is man? My solution, at the end of the comic, was to continue using they/them pronouns, to shield myself from the horror of being a wo-man, a s-he—an appendage of Him.

I got a good grade. A stellar report. And it wasn’t a bad comic, for what I knew then. For my condition of blindness and deafness. I made a compelling argument, using sources from class. But oh, how much older I feel now. I’ve always felt old but now I feel almost like I’m dying. Like I don’t have enough time to fix the world before I disappear. And women’s stories never survive. They are not surviving. networks spring up like mycelium and then every century at least they are burned. Witchcraft is in the air shared by women in a room of their own, and witchcraft is doused in gasoline.

I don’t have enough time to explain how the veil lifted for me. Maybe I forget the big moment. the days after were a blur of searching the no-no tags like radical feminist, GNC, gender critical. Amazed at the wealth of journals that these women linked to with real statistics showing that children are being sterilized for no reason. Mostly gay children. like me, a lesbian, who now lives in a house with three “non-binary afabs”. This summer, one of these women, who I have known since freshman year, will start taking testosterone, a procedure I took up for three turbulent months during my freshman year of college. I get to watch her become what I turned away from, knowing the experience fractured my sense of self to a point of terror and estrangement. I get to watch her hide from her problems and cut herself off from womanhood the way I did for 3 years. I am not a woman, so do I not feel Woman’s pain, she is telling me, I told myself, when I was in a dream. She has so many problems, she laughs. But trans is a separate problem that has nothing to do with those other problems. A coincidence.

(For any trans people reading this, you may think: This transtrender fake-trans never-was-trans woman is treating these nonbinary people as if they were dead! as if they weren’t happy people finally living their truth! —well. I put my mom through the process of trying to convince her that I should have always been a man. and I did lose her, for months. For her it was the height of cognitive dissonance that I should want to go on a life-altering hormone to cure my lifelong social awkwardness and self-hatred and self-harm and depression. And I blamed her for not accepting my real self. I was basically made to shun her and my family because of transphobia.. It is disrespectful to anyone’s sanity and integrity for me to perpetuate that cognitive dissonance in this post.)

So I eventually got through to the professor. I knew because of the texts he had us to read for class. He is gay. He has read all the theory, and lives by it. And no (woman) student wants to speak to him. To bring the theory alive. They cannot breathe into it and it sits dead in his mouth.

Maybe it is because he is a man. because the presence of one man in a space of all women immediately sends up alerts. lockdown. Certainly that is the case. Radical Feminists here: I know he’s a man. But I don’t have a woman. And I felt on the strength of the texts he’d given us that he would be my best bet. Maybe somewhere in the corrupted, rotting heart of my college there was a person who knew about thoughtcrimes and was thinking them anyway.

My professor starts with diversion. He starts by talking about my paper. I find it disconcerting that he starts that way. I worry that he won’t want to refer to my email. Where I say: I have woken up from a dream to the apocalypse—Does this man think I’m crazy? Chipper and kind of frantically, he lists off primary sources of medieval nuns and women saints. for my paper. Does this man think I’ve turned into a bigot? Am I confessing lunacy, like a flat-earther?

But I steer the conversation to the meat at his first tentative encouragement. I tell him something like: “children, mostly gay children, a whole generation of gay children, are being sterilized. Porn is a symptom of late-stage capitalism—men’s ownership of women’s bodies. trans is an extension of this. I was part of this. I was in a cult.” I was shaking a bit. I don’t think I’d uttered those words out loud. They sound crazy. Some of the things I said did sound far-fetched. disorganized, remote. But I prayed that my professor would believe some of it, any of it.

What I will say is that he believes me. Thank fuck, right?

He tells me something along the lines of this, vocalizing my fears:

that all of academia is being scrubbed of anything that doesn’t support Trans.

And it is trans-identified female students and women who are reporting him to Title IX, who spend all their time in his classes fuming at the lack of validation for trans women in the history of women. My sisters, footsoldiers for the cause. What cruel irony. This man is holding onto this class by his fingernails, speaking through his teeth, hoping any of the twenty young adult women staring blankly or angrily at him will hear him and listen.

Looking back, the professor’s responses to my emails are vague, completely refusing to acknowledge a point of view other than “WOW. I look forward to discussing this.” I think he thinks he could be blackmailed. Anything he says on gmail dot com can and would be used against him. It’s like, really, really, really that bad.

No ideology should involve a cultural cleaning of women’s history feat. witch hunts.

I will end here with an excerpt from my first email to this professor:

I'm sure you know what a total bummer it is to realize this.

#detransition #tra #gender critical #radical feminism #radfem #radblr #feminism #academia

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howlsofbloodhounds · 8 months ago

Note

what’s your favorite killer sans comic,,, you have literally the best thoughts ever about him it kills me

Oh there’s many; so we’re probably gonna have to put the entire Something New comics off to the side for a moment, because those are at the very top.

I think my personal favorites are all tied between the comic where Color stumbles onto Killer mid breakdown and has to shake some sense into the guy, the “A Good Person?” comic between Killer and Dream, the comic where Nightmare chokes Killer or the “Something New Happened,” the comic where Killer leaves Nightmare with Color.

I like these ones primarily because we get to see Killer’s dynamics with Nightmare, Dream, and Color.

Color is the one shakes some sense into Killer, the bit of firm but honest love he needs. There’s not any talks about Killer’s morality, if he’s a “good” person or not, no talk about if Killer deserves to be saved or not. If redemption or change is possible; it’s about if he even wants it.

Color demanding to know what Killer wants for his life. He doesn’t want to hear any of the “I can’t feel anything,” the “everyone else wants this, so I do too and therefore I am fine.”

Killer, with a bit of prodding, pushes past his fears and worry—his overwhelming sense of helplessness, of no hope, of shame and guilt—and says what he wants. He wants to go home. He wants his friends back, his family back. He wants Papyrus. He wants to be Sans again.

He wants to go back to an easier time in his life. When he was happy, and safe, and loved and respected.

Is this actually possible? Likely not for a long time, if ever. He has been irreversibly changed by his own choices and external forces leading him to a choice. He has idealized the past, in his Stage 1 self—whereas parts of him fear going back.

He is not the same person he was, when the rest of the Underground knew him. He’s not the Sans they know, he likely barely even knows who he was before—he’s spent more time as Killer than he ever was as Sans.

But if it’s possible or not wasn’t what he was asked. He is being told that what he wants matters, and this is what he wants: to be happy, to turn back to a time before he did anything to no longer “deserve” happiness. So Color offers a practical solution instead; attempt to fix Killer’s SOUL.

But like always, hope is taken away when Nightmare shows up. He is turned back into Stage 2, a version of himself who has embraced what he is now, and is “corrected” again—that is is pointless to hope, and redemption or change is not possible. The brief progress Killer made, that tentative half step forward, is immediately shattered with 20 steps straight back.

The only bit of hope left from this interaction is, even after Stage 2 readies to fight Color—“ready to die?” is similar to what he said—it’s only after Color leaves without a fight that he notes with detached curiosity that he doesn’t know why, but he “kinda likes him(Color).”

The comic ends with Nightmare telling him to “shut up,” and Killer grinning as he always does.

Now the “A Good Person?” comic helps Killer in a different way. Now the question is if Killer can be a good person or not—which is something any Stage of Killer has likely either never believed or never cared for the answer to. Killer needs to establish and define his morals, he needs to understand what a “good person” means to him, but more than that—he needs to know if it’s even possible.

Here is Dream, the Guardian of Positivity, saying he was drawn in due to the positive emotions Killer feels with his cats—that he felt these emotions from Killer before, but he wasn’t sure until now. He’s saying that he knows theres a “good person,” somewhere deep down, and that he wants to help Killer: despite all the harm Killer has caused to the Multiverse, to Dream’s friends, to Dream himself.

Dream is still scared of Killer, even, yet refuses to back down or attempt to protect himself by attacking first when he worries Killer would hurt him. Like Killer has before, like he’s done to many others.

What Killer is gaining here is a form of trust, someone having faith that he won’t hurt them despite what he’s made for. Someone who has every right to hate or fear Killer, someone who has every right to not want to be around him—approaches him first. Declares that they believe Killer can do better, that they’d like to help if he’ll accept it.

It’s different from with Swap, despite how Swap and Dream both only have the best intentions. Swap approached Killer as if he were Sans, and just needed some reminders of the past—in a Stage where the past is something to avoid, something to fear.

It must’ve felt like Swap was trivializing Killer’s experiences, mocking what made him by hurting him with what he was and could never be. Trying to trick him and trap him into having hope only to take it all away. Again, “like everyone does.” Swap wouldn’t take the hint that Killer wanted to be left alone, and kept pushing “Sans” on him.

But with Dream, he does call him “Sans” yes, but he doesn’t get overly pushy with it. It helps that Killer was only very briefly in Stage 2 for a moment, to make sure that Dream was actually real, but felt comfortable and safe enough to be in Stage 1 for the rest of the conversation.

Now Killer doesn’t immediately believe Dream when he says Killer could be a good person—his Stages debate about it, one immediately jumps to “don’t fall for the trick, kill him” whereas the other cautions; says to let Dream speak. We never see what Killer’s final choice is, but Dream plants the idea that he can be more than a killer—someone’s villain, the end of someone’s story—in his head in a way that allows Killer to consider it instead of immediately reject the idea.

And more importantly, Dream doesn’t say Killer has to be Sans again. And he doesn’t say he only “has a good person inside” due to Sans, either, even if he does use the name that Killer no longer feels connection to.

Color shows Killer that what he wants could possibly matter, whereas Dream suggests the consideration that maybe he’s not all death, violence, murder and gore. That he can be Killer, and be more than a killer—more than what he was made for. More than a weapon.

Dream demonstrates trust, faith, maybe even a bit of forgiveness in a time where Killer has hit an uncertain place in life. And the possibility that maybe he could make a happy future, rebuild a better life where he’ll be free and safe, instead of wishing to turn back the clock to the ideal fantasy of Sans’ life.

Now all of this would be extremely difficult to do if Killer were in Stage 2 for long. Potentially even dangerous. But any seed of hope is always good for one who does not have any.

Now, the comic where Nightmare chokes Killer. I like this one because we get a better grasp of their dynamic. The way Killer emphasizes “thanks to me (another AU has fell to negativity),” as if he wants his hard work to be properly acknowledged by his Boss—which he does not get.

And the way he says “and I stole a soul from them, don’t worry about it, it’s not that important.” Not only because it shows how Killer is keeping secrets despite his obedience, but the fact that Nightmare didn’t even ask nor care.

The way Nightmare DOES care when Killer starts pushing back on his plans—the plan to go after Core Frisk next, which Killer does not think is possible yet. At first Nightmare seems peeved when Killer disagrees with him, but gets violent—choking Killer—when he feels his strength is being insulted.

Killer is quick to reassure him—“yes, I know you’re the strongest, Boss”—before going on to explain why he doesn’t agree with Nightmare. Even with his feet dangling off the floor (and we can see that Killer has holes in the bottom of his shoes 💀), even when he’s being brutally choked and on the verge of fainting. He’s still trying to explain himself—his awareness of the Multiverse, AUs, their functions all in an effort to help Nightmare to his goals.

(Realistically, Killer would likely be gasping for air, heaving in deep breaths and struggling to speak, yet he still pushes through it to explain what he knows.)

Killer faints, and Nightmare notes this with a casual, detached, “oh. he fainted.” before dropping him listlessly to the floor and leaving him there. This has possibly happened many times before between them, but they are both focused on Nightmare’s goals and how to achieve them. When Nightmare feels insulted, Killer is quick to remedy it, before moving on to what he knows Nightmare would want to hear even more.

It’s interesting. We get a look at their goals, their dynamic, Killer’s lack of care for his wellbeing and Nightmare’s lack of care for his wellbeing. And yet Killer, at least while in Stage 2, does not seem particularly annoyed, scared, or upset by the choking, the insults or anything.

And then the “Something New Happened” comic expands on it even more—with Killer calling Nightmare out for how he treated him, how it affected Killer, why Killer is now leaving. Nightmare kidnaps him, turns him against other AUs, belittles and harms him—takes away Killer’s hopes. And yet Killer never mentions it until now—merely just to confront Nightmare, to ask why he’s so mad about Killer leaving since he never cared in the first place.

And Killer leaving actually seems to upset Nightmare in a way, especially when he notices how happy Killer seems by Color’s side. He’s certainly never smiled at Nightmare like that.

All thoughout all these comics, I always got the vibe that Nightmare sometimes does cruel, hurtful things to Killer even when he doesn’t realize that’s what he’s doing. He just expects Killer to follow when he says the word, and he’s constantly confused and bewildered when Killer doesn’t. Angry when Killer insults him back or interrupts him or questions him.

And other than Something New Happened being Killer’s chance to finally stick it to the man and make the people who hurt him face it, to finally go with someone who actually cares and achieve his freedom and happiness—Nightmare seems to have come to some sort of realization at the end.

If the realization actually sticks, I don’t know. But I think it’d be interesting to consider how Nightmare would behave going forward. Will he avoid attempting to find more mortal employees or more Killers specifically, or would he just find another one? What would be the specific reason why he’d find another one?

Would it be because he wants to attempt to do better with this Killer, if only just to prove to himself that he can, or would he use this Killer to mock and torment the one who got away? To punish him for leaving?

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skiller0dani · 4 years ago

Text

Broken Paradise | Spencer Reid

M A S T E R L I S T Criminal Minds Masterlist

smut requests info wc | 9.1k summary | you run into an ex boyfriend during an interrogation. except it's you being interrogated, and it's your ex boyfriend doing the interrogating.

song

another draft just waiting to be published. really obsessing over Spencer Reid.

also there's mentions of abortion, nothing graphic it's literally just a short direct reference and nothing else.

You always hear people say your past will come back to haunt you, you just didn't know they meant literally. You leaned back against the metal chair in the interrogation room, you've been in here for what felt like hours. You couldn't complain too much seeing as it's your fault that you're in here at all. You wished they'd come in and tell you something, give you an update, say hi, say anything. You seriously underestimated how maddening silence can be. You knew little about the murders the police were investigating, something about druggie women being found mutilated. The pictures they showed you were downright horrifying, you'd need at least one solid bottle of tequila to forget the bodies of those poor women.

The Las Vegas Police Department were a bunch of judgmental pigs, the only reason they'd brought you here at all was because you were from the wrong side of the tracks. Both of your parents were users, and if you were lucky, also dead. They probably assumed you used as well, and seeing as you seemed to fit the killers physical preference the police brought you in for questioning and also for your own "safety". But really you knew they didn't give a damn about your safety, they just wanted to know where you got your shit from. No matter how many times you insisted you didn't use, they kept pushing. When one male officer started throwing your parents in your face, you stood up and promptly broke his nose. That's how you landed yourself cuffed to the table, tightly.

"Oh thank you so much for gracing me with your presence once more." You smiled sarcastically as another officer walked in, wait he's definitely not an officer. The man who entered the room had cleanly cut dark hair, and wore an expensive looking black suit. Not the run of the mill beat cop that you were expecting. You bit back any other fiery remarks, if you wanted to get the hell out of here you needed to cooperate. Diana would be expecting you, not that you were itching to see her but after letter number 75 of her begging you to swing by- well lets just say that Spencer's mother was never the problem. You doubt Spencer even knew Diana was contacting you, which was good. You wanted nothing at all to do with him.

"I'm Agent Hotchner here with the FBI I need to ask you a few questions." This man was all business, you seriously had to fight the urge to fuck with him a little bit.

"I'd shake your hand but..." Your eyes flickered towards the table, where the police officer who's nose you broke had very tightly handcuffed you. In fact he cuffed you so tightly that your wrists were already raw and bleeding a bit.

"They wouldn't have handcuffed you if you didn't punch an officer. Did he hit a nerve?" The Agent's face was level, and gave nothing away as to what he was thinking. You tongued the inside of your cheek, your foot tapping quickly on the concrete floor. These assholes were really starting to piss you off.

"He was being a dick, how many times do I have to tell you guys that I don't use? Are your heads filled with sawdust?" You snapped roughly, yanking away from him to lean back in your chair despite the biting pain in your wrists.

"That's not why I'm here Miss Y/L/N." Agent Hotchner said, his voice even and his eyes on you. The way he was looking at you made you feel exposed, like he could read all of your secrets because of the way your eye twitches when you're nervous. You hate these damn FBI profilers- wait.

"How's Spencer?" It's a shot in the dark, a very long shot in a very dark tunnel. Before the scumbag left you without warning, Spencer mentioned that someone was trying to recruit him for the BAU department of the FBI. The profilers. Spencer left and never came back, two guesses as to where he went. Your eyes locked onto the Agent's in front of you, and from the slight upturn at the corner of his brow you knew you got him. Spencer is here.

"You know Dr. Reid?"

"So he's a Doctor now, doesn't surprise me. Let me guess, he has PHD's and Doctorates in Math, Chemistry and something to do with Geography right?" You say as casually as you can and you can only hope this man is wondering how you happen to know so much about one of his Agents.

"Unless I'm speaking to Spencer Reid, I want my lawyer." You snap, leaning back. You know Spencer won't talk to you, and unless they have physical proof you're guilty of something they'll have to let you go.

Check mate.

Spencer couldn't ignore the questioning glances from his fellow teammates even if he'd wanted to. He watched you lean back in your chair from the other side of the one way glass, what are the chances that you are wrapped up in this case? You of all young petite blonde women in the metro area. The world was fucking with him, it had to be.

"She a friend of yours?" Derek's voice was the first to cut through the silence.

"No." One word answers were the safest route, the shortest diction would give little time for them to draw information out of the way Spencer was speaking. There was a tremble in his tone, he knew there was. Spencer prided himself for having little to no baggage behind him, but of all unopened suitcases- his previous relationship with you was the largest one.

"Really? Cause she seems to know a lot about you." Derek said, his eyes fixed on Spencer. The tension in the room was palpable, and suddenly it felt hard for Spencer to breathe let alone compose himself. After shoving free from the small viewing room, Spencer found it a lot easier to exist without the scrutinizing gazes of his coworkers.

"You hear her?" It was Hotch, with a patiently guarded expression on his face. Spencer and drugs wasn't an uncommon problem, although in the past his poison of choice was dilaudid. Now there's a string of drug related murders and a possible junky who seems to know a lot about him.

"Yeah, from before the Bureau." Spencer clarified quickly, and Hotch honestly looked the tiniest bit relieved.

"Think you could talk to her, she's made it obvious she won't talk to any of us." Hotch said, and from the tension building in Spencer's shoulders he can tell there's some bad blood between the two of you. Spencer took a deep breath before taking all of those unresolved emotions and forcefully shoving them down. Deep, deep down. It's time to do a job, there's a missing woman who needs to be saved.

When that door opened again, you thought you'd won. You thought they were coming to begrudgingly release you. Instead you were met by the big doey eyes of Spencer Reid, your first and last love. All the air was stolen from your lungs in an instant, the memories flood back and you can't stop them. The anger rises then, this is the first time you've seen him since he left you. The one person you trusted not to leave you did, he left like everyone leaves you. Like your parents left you. He's very clearly all business, his face hardly giving anything away as he swiftly reached down to unlock the handcuffs around your wrists. If you wanted to walk away from this without your heart getting broken you needed the upper hand.

"Heya baby." You smiled, you hoped that maybe it would disarm him. At least a little, but when you looked at him all you saw was a stoic and focused expression. Nothing? Really?

"I need to ask you a few questions Miss Y/L/N." Spencer's voice was controlled, even in tone. His voice... God his voice could bring you right to tears. You could still hear him saying how much he loved you with that stupidly angelic voice of his. Spencer was very quickly taking control of the situation and you did not like that at all.

"You know you can ask me anything, there's no secrets between us right Spence?" You leaned forward on your elbows, trying desperately to ignore the throbbing in your wrists. One of Spencer's biggest giveaways is eye contact, when he's upset or feels guilty he'll avoid looking into your eyes. You turn your gaze up to meet his, but once again you're completely disarmed to see him unabashedly looking into your eyes like it isn't a problem at all. Either Spencer has amnesia and forgot who you were, or what happened between you two doesn't hurt him like it hurts you. You refuse to believe it's the latter, he just forgot. Definitely forgot. Somehow he must have forgot.

"Nina Fredricks, have you ever seen her?" He slid a photo in front of you, you recognize her as the woman who was most recently kidnapped. Most recently being 12 hours ago so chances of her still being alive are unfortunately slim. You nibble on your lower lip, come to think of it you actually might have seen her.

"Yeah, saw her at Winchell's, little coffee shop on the corner of 5th? You remember right Spence? You used take me there all the time, I loved giving you head under the table." You smirk, but it quickly falters. Whatever training he went through must have stripped him of all emotion and turned him into a machine. Built only to solve cases and do nothing else. That wasn't the case however, you just didn't know how good Spencer is at compartmentalizing his emotions. He could only imagine the looks on his coworkers faces upon hearing you say that, at least he can just say you were lying to try and illicit some sort of reaction from him. They don't have to know that you totally used to slip under the table and swallow his cock in a diner full of people. They don't know about that side of him, and Spencer doesn't plan on changing that.

"When?" He presses on with the interview, and surprisingly you're forthcoming with information when you're speaking to Spencer. Even after all this time, he has this annoying power over you. This innate ability to get you to do whatever he wants you to, although you would prefer him to use this special ability in the bedroom. No! No you have to eradicate thoughts like that, Spencer hurt you worse then anyone else ever has. He hurt you worse because he made you think he was going to stay, and then he didn't.

"Few nights ago, she looked really messed up though. Winchell threw her out, definitely doped up on something. Before you ask, no I didn't see where she went." You sigh, finally giving up flashing Spencer the all too familiar 'you win' look. Usually a victorious grin stretches across his face, but not this time. Those times are over.

"Did you see anybody with her?" You're not entirely surprised that Spencer isn't writing any of this down, that stupid eidetic memory. You're fooling yourself if you think he forgot what happened, Spencer never forgets anything. Ever.

"Every detail matters."

You genuinely try to remember if anybody was with Nina, and while you didn't see anyone you remember shortly after she left the diner there was this horrible screeching sound. "After Nina left I heard what sounded like tires screeching on the street. Never saw a car though."

"Thank you Miss Y/L/N, is there anything else you can remember about that night? Anything that sticks out?" After a few moments of quiet contemplation, you shake your head.

"Am I free to go?" You ask quietly and Spencer shakes his head.

"Unfortunately we're going to have to keep you in protective custody. We'll move you to a more comfortable room, but you'll need to stay in the precinct."

"But why? I'm not a drug addict-"

"You are exactly this killers type, and we don't know if looking a certain way is more important or if being a drug addict is when it comes to him choosing his victims." Spencer explains simply, his mouth moving a mile a minute as he stands. When he turns his eyes back on you, you realize he's waiting for you to follow him. You stand and follow him out of the cold interrogation room to a comfier waiting room. It has a table and chairs, vending machine and a big plush couch.

"You can stay in here, we'll let you know when it's safe to go home." Spencer says, and this is when you finally catch the crack in his façade. His eyes flicker away from yours, trying to disguise the waver in his voice, the desperation to vacate the room as quickly as he can. But now that you've seen him break, even a little, you're going to crack him wide open. You won't let it go that easily.

"Spencer?" Your voice is soft, with an innocent drawl that Spencer can't resist. He turns his head to look at you, swallowing thickly when his eyes meet yours.

"You do remember me don't you? Once upon a time we were in love." You see the rest of his coworkers trying and failing to look like they're not listening. But it's not like you care if they do, Spencer will though but luckily his back is to the door. After a few moments of tense silence, he finally speaks.

"Of course." It's not the answer you were hoping for but it's an admission, which is more then you were getting earlier.

"Do you miss me Spencer? Miss me in bed next to you?"

"W-Well I-"

"Do you miss when I used to cook your favorite dinner every night when you came over? Do you miss how I loved you unconditionally?" Your voice was steadily growing more hostile, and you knew there were tears building in your eyes. This has all been building up for so long you know you can't stop it now.

"Y/N-"

"Do you miss being able to fuck me whenever the hell you want? Is that what you miss the most Spencer? You must not miss me that much because when you left I didn't even get a fucking call! You didn't even say goodbye, you just left!" You were yelling now, with tears streaming down your face. Spencer had slyly shut the door by now, he knew this was going to happen the second he saw you. He wished he could help you understand why he had to leave the way he did. He was trying to protect you, and he still firmly believes he's protecting you. Look what happened to Haley, what happened to Maeve. Spencer loved Maeve and he lost her like Hotch lost Haley, and Spencer can't lose you. Not you. He wouldn't be able to live with himself if something happened to you.

"Please try to understand-" You never even let him get close to finishing his thought.

"Understand what? Leaving me? You said you loved me! How could you love me and then leave me alone? While I was pregnant!" Your hands flew to your mouth, you honestly never planned on telling him that. Spencer's eyebrows rose high in the air, and you can tell you just knocked the wind out of him. Spencer's hand reached back for the door handle, "pregnant?"

"Spencer I'm sorry I didn't mean to tell you that way." You tried to explain, and despite the fact that he'd abandoned you, you were dead terrified of him leaving again now that he was stood in front of you.

"Do I have a child you never told me about?" His voice is shaky, afraid. Now you can see all his coworkers heavily invested in your conversation.

"N-No, I...I got rid of it." You said softly, watching the mix of emotions swirl across his face. When his trembling palm curls around the door handle you launch forward to grab at his arm.

"I'm sorry, please don't leave. Not again-" But he's pulling his arm free from yours and turning out of the room, nearly slamming the door behind him.

Spencer ignored the questions, he ignored the looks. His legs gave out somewhere near one of the couches. He stared ahead numbly, trying to make sense of what you'd just told him. Trying to somehow wrap his head around the terror of you being pregnant and then the grief of the lost possibility all at the same time. By now, JJ and Rossi had shooed everyone away from Spencer. Which he was immensely grateful for, the only thing he wanted now was to be alone. Completely and entirely alone.

Pregnant.

The word kept replaying like a scratched record, screeching in his ears every time he closed his eyes. Spencer pressed the balls of his palms into his eyes when he heard the distinct sound of footsteps approaching him. Whoever it was, he already wished they would go away.

"Damn Kid, I didn't expect you to date such a spitfire." Derek joked as he sat down, doing what he can to ease the tension. Spencer didn't even bother looking up at him, his head stubbornly lowered and his gaze locked on the ground. Derek racked his brain for something adequate to say, but what was there to say? How could Derek find a way to make this right? Spencer just found out you were pregnant with his child and that you'd got an abortion all in the same 10 seconds. It was a lot to process.

"You gotta talk to her Spence." Derek's voice was less humorous this time. Spencer wrung his hands nervously, his eyes finally lifting to meet Derek's. A sharp shake of his head and a flash of the tears in his eyes and Spencer stands, wiping his eyes with the backs of his hands. Time to get back to work. Someone has to talk to you, Derek can't stand of someone crying by themselves like that.

"It's not really my place-" JJ tried to argue as Derek stood in front of her.

"Someone needs to talk to her, and Spencer isn't going to." Derek said, rubbing a hand down his face as his eyes flickered back to Spencer. Who was currently throwing himself headfirst into the geographic profile of the killer they're looking for, because maybe if he works hard enough the rest of the entire world will just disappear. Maybe if Spencer keeps working and does nothing else you'll just vanish from that room and he won't have to deal with this. It's not that Spencer wants you to go away, the opposite actually but there isn't room in his life for you anymore. It's not safe. Spencer would rather be alone for the rest of his life then put you in danger because he's lonely and misses you.

"Alright, fine. But only for Spence." JJ says, jabbing a finger in Derek's direction before reluctantly heading towards the room you're in. She glances back at Spencer, who has become consumed by the map in front of him. JJ can always tell when something is bothering him, he has physical giveaways. The way his shoulders are rigid as he scribbles something on the whiteboard, the furrow in his brow that lets her know that while he's working on something, his mind is elsewhere. The tremble in his palm from trying so hard to hold everything back, everything he doesn't want anyone else to see. To someone that doesn't know Spencer, he looks perfectly composed, his attention and focus completely on his work. JJ knows him well enough to know that his mind, and heart are sitting tattered in this waiting room on the couch next to you.

JJ creaks the door open, flashing you a smile that makes you absolutely hate her guts. Spencer probably has some puppy love crush on her, she's beautiful. Long blonde hair, slender body, stunning smile. Everything you're not.

"Hi I'm Special Agent Jennifer Jareau, but you can call me JJ." The way she's looking at you lets you know that she came in here to try and understand. You're not in the mood to talk to her or anybody else in this stupid building except for Spencer. You want to hate him so bad but you can't. You can't because of how much you fucking love him. The bastard.

"Look I know you're probably not all that excited to talk to me-"

"I want Spencer." You snap, and by the look on her face you can tell she isn't surprised that you said that. JJ chewed on the inside of her cheek, how does she say that Spencer doesn't actually want to talk to you?

"Dr. Reid is needed elsewhere right now, but I'm willing to talk if you need to."

"You don't have to lie Agent Jareau. I know he doesn't want to see me, he's doing that thing where he pretends to work on something while secretly obsessing over something else." You say casually, and the fact that you can pick Spencer apart so easily is somewhat off-putting to JJ. But that could be her unrequited crush on him shining through, deep down JJ doesn't like that some other woman knows Spencer better then she does. While you'd love to sit here and wallow in your misery, a much worse idea strikes you then. If you can't talk to Spencer why not fuck with the woman who's clearly in love with him.

"And the little twitch in his fingers, the slight clench in his jaw. See that? He keeps rolling his shoulders back," while everything you were saying isn't a lie- it's guaranteed to annoy her. JJ stayed quiet, she hated that she didn't know what the goddamn twitch in his fingers meant.

"He's tense, but there's more. He can't stand still, keeps shifting from foot to foot. It's driving you crazy that you don't know why he's doing that." You laugh as her annoyed eyes flash to yours for a second before settling on Spencer again.

"You're a profiler, you can't figure it out? That doesn't surprise me, you've probably never considered the fact that Spencer has an unusually high sex drive." Your words completely stun her, and JJ's cheeks flush profusely.

"It means he's horny." You say casually, leaning back against the couch. You love the blush on her cheeks, and the fact that she's clearly biting her tongue to avoid saying something rude. You love that you got under her skin, and yes you're aware that you're a bad person. Now that you've said it, JJ can't get it out of her damn head. Spencer is horny. Spencer isn't a virgin. The thought of Spencer having sex makes JJ feel a sick turning in her gut. She was happy believing Spencer was a virgin, believing that nobody has gotten to experience that side of him yet. Happy to believe that he was untouched, but apparently that was not the case. Now that the illusion has been shattered, JJ feels as though the jagged pieces of it are cutting into her, and she knows you enjoy watching her bleed.

"Trust me, I know just what to do to relieve the tension, I know how to get him off quick. Do you?" You smile as you let your eyes shamelessly drag down his slender frame.

"You're only saying this because you want to control the conversation, and you hate that I see him everyday. That I can talk to him whenever I want, about whatever I want. You wouldn't lash out if you didn't feel intimidated." JJ says calmly, rendering you just as speechless as she was moments ago. The pain that was sent stabbing into your heart caused you to recoil back from JJ, trying to hide your misty eyes from hers. You can't let her know that she's winning.

"Look, we can both get nasty all we want but that's not why I'm here. I just want to help." JJ says sincerely, but you still don't budge. JJ taps her fingers against the wood of the table, thinking about leverage she can use to get you to talk to her.

"Spencer fell in love again." JJ says finally, and this time you turn your gaze up to look at her. You push your emotions down, no matter how much it hurts to hear her say that. Who is she? Are they still together?

"If you want to know more about her, then I suggest you talk to me. An answer for an answer, fair?" You can see her trying to bait you, and damn her because it's working.

"Fine." You grumble, leaning back fully against the couch. Your eyes catch Spencer's for a second when he turns to face the table, presumably looking for a map you remember being on the right side. You point to the right side of the table and Spencer looks nothing but annoyed when he follows your direction and finds what he's looking for. He hates that he functions better as a person when you're around.

"What's the deal with you and Spence?" JJ asks, and there is a lot to unpack with that question.

"Gonna have to be more specific." You say with a shrug, your eyes hesitantly meeting hers.

"How long were you two together?"

"2 years 8 months." You answer without pausing, causing her eyebrows to raise. JJ didn't expect you to remember down to the month, it's been years since you and Spencer were together. That's not a short fling like JJ originally thought, that's a substantial amount of time.

"What's her name?" You ask, desperate to get information on this mystery woman who has stolen Spencer from you.

"Her name was Maeve." Was. You don't miss how she says was instead of is.

"Why do you hate Spencer?" JJ looked like she cared, but you know it's not you she cares about. She's in here to try and protect Spencer in some way, she's acting like you're the villain.

"I don't hate him. He abandoned me. Just packed up and left, no note, no goodbye. Haven't heard from him since." You snap, hating the amount of emotion that was in your voice. JJ's eyebrows furrow, that's just so unlike Spencer. He's not cruel, he's never been cruel but that...is cruel. You see a look flash across her face.

"Sweet boy isn't as sweet as he seems." You say softly, folding your arms over your chest.

"He must have had a good reason." JJ insists, her eyes landing on Spencer's back as he continues to map out the hunting grounds of the killer. You know he's just wasting time to avoid coming back in here. Spencer is a certifiable super genius, he finished mapping it out a while ago. He's just pretending he hasn't finished yet.

"Spence still with her? Maeve." Her name felt like poison on your tongue, and JJ slowly shook her head.

"She died in front of him, really tore him up." Your heart cracks a little bit at her words, you can't imagine how hard that must have been for him. You see JJ open her mouth to ask something else when the door opens, and a man with darker skin pokes his head in.

"JJ? Reid found him, we gotta go." As soon as he arrived, he's gone with JJ hot on his heels. She sends you a smile before she rushes out of the room, and you see Spencer following her path out. They're going to arrest a murderer who has an arsenal of weapons at his disposal.

"Spencer! Y-You can't go, it's not safe!" You blurt from the doorway, and he pauses. His eyes find yours as he holsters his pistol, an unreadable expression on his face.

"It's my job." And that's all he says before he disappears out of the precinct, leaving you once again.

You couldn't quell the anxiety turning in your gut, you're not sure how to exist while Spencer is out there hunting a murderer. You wished that you could turn off the part of your brain that's still so damn attached to him, but no matter how hard you try you can't silence your heart as it calls for him. You're not sure you could survive the constant fear of losing him if you ever ended up with him again, this life is too much for you to take. Maybe he knew that all those years ago when he left you the first time, Spencer always could see right through you. Maybe he left because he knew staying would only lead you to live a life of constant fear, maybe he was trying to protect you. Either way the reasons don't matter anymore because he left, and nothing can change how badly that hurt you.

"Does it normally take this long?" You ask a passing officer, who in turn shrugs before continuing on his path. You feel like you're going to explode or vomit, or both. It's been over 2 hours, should it be taking this long? What if he got shot? What if he's dead right now and you're sitting here with your damn thumb up your ass worrying about him like a useless housewife? Feeling useless, that's what you hate the absolute most. Knowing there's nothing you can do to stop a bullet on it's trajectory to his heart.

"Spence, are you sure you're okay?" You hear a flurry of voices and when his name graces JJ's lips you're pushing out of the room. Your eyes find him instantly, and then travel to his palm which is pressed tightly to his neck. His bleeding neck. You feel your heart rate spike, hammering like the hooves of wild horses as you move without thinking about it. Before you even understand that you've moved, you're stood in front of him. Your eyes try to scan his neck for wounds but his palm covers the location the blood is coming from.

"C'mere." You grab his wrist and yank him back towards where you saw a first aid kit earlier. Luckily your 2 and a half years of nursing school taught you how to stitch a wound and perform basic first aid. Spencer offers no resistance as you yank him to a back corner of the precinct, pushing him to sit down. You grab the first aid kit, slowly prying his hand from his neck. Your eyes mist at the wound, it's a bullet wound. Looks old though, there's scarred tissue. This had to have happened a few weeks ago at least. You see the thin line of the scar, the middle section seems to have opened up again.

"You didn't wait long enough for this to heal." You scold gently, not missing how his eyes watch you with an intensity smoldering in them. You miss the way he used to look at you, the way he's looking at you right now. You miss being the center of his whole world, you scoff. Look how easy it was for him to walk away from you. You threat a needle to stitch the center of his wound shut again, and when you look for numbing cream you discover that there isn't any.

"Spence, there isn't any- I can't find the numbing..." Your voice trails off as you begin to yank things out of the first aid kit to search for the numbing cream. Spencer's hand catches your wrist and it's only just now that you realize you're trembling.

"It's okay. I'll be fine." He settles back against the chair he's sitting in, turning his head to reveal his neck to you. You hesitate, the Spencer you remember had a very low pain threshold. All of a sudden he's expecting you to stitch him up with no numbing agent?

"Y/N, I can handle it." Spencer says again, his voice firmer than before. You swallow a lump in your throat before reaching forward to begin stitching. You press the needle against his neck, eyeing him to gauge his reaction as you puncture his skin to make the first thread. To your surprise he hardly flinches, a small quirk in his lip is the only giveaway that he's in pain. Is this the same man that got squirmy getting a shot? That would shy away from the needle? Now he's sitting here letting you stitch him up without moving a muscle, without even flinching? The more time you spend with him the more proof you get that this isn't the same Spencer that left you all those years ago.

"How did it happen?" You ask, wondering how he could have survived a gunshot to the neck. He shifts uncomfortably.

"Got shot, two inches away from hitting my jugular." Spencer says it so casually, but you're so stunned that you halt your movements for a moment.

"How many times have you been shot?" You ask, your voice hoarse. Is him getting shot a common occurrence?

"Twice. Also got shot in the leg." The casual way Spencer talks about it almost convinces you it isn't a big deal. But it is. It's a bullet ripping through his body, and it's happened to him on two separate occasions. You finish stitching and bandaging him up, your hands moving away from him as soon as you can.

"Thank God you went to nursing school or I'd be six feet under." He jokes. You know he's kidding but still, the thought of it makes you feel lightheaded.

"Don't say stuff like that." You snap softly, and you know Spencer can see the fear and vulnerability in your eyes. You hesitantly steal a glance up at him once he's stood up only to find he's already looking at you. You shy away from his intrusive gaze, and you could practically feel him probing at your mind. Reading your thoughts as if they were written down for him. You hate that he can always tell what you're thinking, you hate that it was so easy for him to read you. Like a damn book. You have to fight the urge to reach out and grab his hand, it's what you always did when you felt lost or unsure. Spencer was always there to ground you and bring your mind back out of your thoughts.

"Miss Y/L/N?" You hear JJ's voice gently interrupt you two. You shoot away from Spencer as though you were doing something scandalous. He doesn't move an inch.

"Yes!" You blurt a little too loudly, suddenly flustered being so close to him. Why does your sharp tongue always leave you when you need it?

"You're clear to go home."

"I can take her." Spencer speaks up before JJ has a chance to offer, and she knew he would. You swallow a nervous lump in your throat, your palms shaking.

The SUV has dark tint, you weren't expecting that. The second you sat back in the plush leather seat your mind flew to lewd thoughts of you leaning over the center console, Spencer's hand in your hair as he helps you take his cock in your mouth. You steal one glance at Spencer, his right hand holding the steering wheel loosely. Your cheeks heat up as you glance down between his legs, get ahold of yourself.

"The address is-"

"I remember." You knew he would. That damn eidetic memory ensured that he never forgot anything. It broke your heart a little, because some naïve part of you was hoping he remembered because it meant something to him. You hoped he remembered the way to your house because he didn't want to forget, because forgetting it meant forgetting you. But you know the reality, you know that he remembers because he has no choice but to remember. His memory is too good to allow him to forget anything, even if it was something he wanted to forget. You're grasping at straws and you know you are, holding onto that foolish notion that Spencer still held onto the memories. That he still held onto the gifts you gave him, crying softly in the night like you did sometimes.

"JJ told me about Maeve." You say softly into the silence, and you saw Spencer swallow thickly out of the corner of your eye. "I'm so sorry you lost her Spence."

"Thank you." He honestly wasn't expecting you to say that, to acknowledge the pain. Because acknowledging the pain meant that you knew he loved her. He did love her. But it was a different love then the love he feels for you. It was special, but so are you. You're special too.

"Have you...dated anyone else?" Spencer can't help but ask as he subconsciously continues the drive to your house. A drive he's committed to his memory, a drive he never wants to forget. You shift to look at him, there were a few you dated. You know when you tell Spencer about them that it'll drive him crazy.

"Tony Anderson." You say and just like you thought, Spencer groans deeply. Spencer detests Tony, they were practically mortal enemies when he still lived in Las Vegas.

"Tony? Seriously?" His tone is incredulous as his grasp on the steering wheel tightens ever so slightly.

"He was a good fuck at least." You know you shouldn't wind him up, but he hurt you for Christ's sakes. He deserves a little bit of pain too. Spencer flinches, a look of anger and something else simmering in his eyes.

"Please tell me you didn't have sex with Tony."

"Why does it matter?" You shouldn't enjoy upsetting people as much as you do. But there's still a small part of you that's convinced that Spencer deserves this.

"Because I can't live with the fact that somebody else has gotten to feel that perfect cunt of yours, let alone Tony." His crude words take you by surprise, and you can't fight the gasp that escapes your mouth.

"Well before you start digging your grave, relax. I never had sex with Tony." You decide to put him out of his misery, and you see the relief physically flood his body. You lean against the window, the next admission from you will leave the air heavier in it's wake.

"I've never slept with anyone but you Spence." You realize it's been a long time since you've seen Spencer let alone had sex with him but you could never bring yourself to sleep with someone else. It's not as though the opportunity never presented itself, you had plenty of chances to have sex with someone else. But you couldn't because there's still a stubborn part of you that doesn't want to betray Spencer.

"Really? Why?" Apparently this revelation surprised him.

"Because no matter where you go I will always belong to you." You snap without thinking, blinking tears from your eyes as you avoid his gaze. Spencer fell silent then, and you know he feels guilty. Probably because he's slept with someone else in the time since he's been with you.

"I know you have and it's fine I'm not trying to-"

"I haven't." Spencer corrects instantly, his eyes meeting yours through the darkness of the SUV. If he could see you he would see the look of utter surprise on your face. It's not as though Spencer was an overly sexually ambitious person when you dated, but you figured he probably slept with at least one person. "I haven't slept with anybody else either."

"I know someone that wants to though." You grumble without thinking, your mind drifting to JJ and the obvious crush she thinks isn't obvious. Spencer tilts his head in a way that resembles a confused puppy, you resist the urge to ruffle his hair.

"Who?"

"Agent Jareau." As soon as the name slips past the threshold of your lips, Spencer's jerks the wheel in surprise. You see a dark blush color his cheeks as his other hand reaches up to steady the wheel.

"J-Jennifer? No way! She's my best friend." You nearly laugh at his flustered state, and normally you would push it a little further but you decide to let it go. You don't want to completely destroy the way he sees her, you know you already destroyed the way she sees him.

"You have no idea what a catch you are Spencer." You tell him as you unbuckle your seatbelt, getting ready to exit the SUV. Spencer reaches over and places a warm hand on your wrist to stop you from leaving, his eyes searching yours for an answer he isn't sure you have.

"Come in?" You ask hopefully, you're not ready for him to leave again. Damnit why did he have to turn up again after so long? You were just starting to think that maybe you could move on and find someone new. You were finally starting to feel okay, and then Spencer reappears and turns your entire world upsidown all over again. Deep down you know that nobody will ever compare to Spencer Reid, and you don't want them to. You don't want anyone to be like Spencer, you want him to be his entirely own person. It's what you love the most about him, is his ability to be himself no matter where he is or who he's with. All of his little quirks, the things about himself that he doesn't notice but you do.

"Yeah." His answer comes across as an exhalation of breath, and you try to hide how excited you are. You want to hold on to any moment you can, stolen moments that you take as you please with no regret whatsoever.

"Nothing has changed." Spencer muses once you unlock the front door and push inside the darkened living room. You blush, admittedly nothing about your small townhouse has changed. It's all basically the exact same as when Spencer saw it last. You rub a hand down your arm as Spencer's eyes go wandering. Trailing over the curtains he remembers hastily pulling closed to protect your decency on more than a few occasions. His gaze then travels to the couch, all those movie nights you two spent curled up together. Or when he got you into Star Trek and you couldn't stop watching it. Pain stabs his chest for a moment, it's hard to remember everything he had to let go of to get the job he has now.

"I miss you too, you know." Spencer says off-handedly. It takes you by surprise, the sureness in his tone is jarring. He sounds so comfortable admitting when he's vulnerable, it's never been easy for you to be vulnerable with him. Maybe that's part of the reason he left, maybe you drove him away by shutting him out. His eyes meet yours, a look so soft in his eyes it feels as though his gaze is caressing your skin. You bite your bottom lip to keep the emotions at bay, what is it about this man that makes you so emotional?

"I never said I missed you." You try to snap, to add an edge to your tone. But instead it came out watery and broken, and in turn Spencer reached up to swipe away a falling tear.

"But you do." You can't even deny it, it's obvious.

"Damn you Spencer Reid, I was finally starting to feel okay again." You cry softly, curling your arms towards your chest in an attempt to shrink away from him. He cups your cheeks in his palms, turning your face up towards him.

"I wasn't." He admits before his lips are on yours, and it's not frenzied and desperate like you've been picturing all these years. It's slow and calculated, soft and passionate. Firm but with a tenderness that makes your knees buckle from the gravity of it. Spencer's fingers card into your hair, pulling your head closer to his. He nips at your lower lip, his arms crushing you against his chest. You throw yourself into him, your arms holding him as tightly as you possibly can. Afraid that if your vise grip loosens, even for a second, that he'll slip through your fingers like trying to hold onto water. You almost don't want to let your eyes close, you don't want him to disappear again.

"I missed you, I miss you-" You gasp against his lips, grabbing fistfuls of his dress shirt. Spencer continues to move his lips languidly against yours, backing you against the wall. His hand ghosts down your side to the hem of your shirt, his fingers toying with it.

"O-Off." You beg, and in an instant Spencer is pulling your shirt over your head. His eyes land on your bare chest, shocked that he almost forgot that you never really wear a bra. His hands curl around your back, drawing your chest up into his awaiting lips. His mouth curls around your hardened nipple, your hand flying into his hair from the contact.

"Is this a dream? Please tell me you're really here Spencer." You beg, almost becoming lost in the emotions again. His eyes flutter up to meet yours, his mouth reluctantly leaving your nipple. He brushes his lips over yours, his hand trailing down your stomach towards the waistband of your leggings.

"This is real, I'm here baby. I'm home." Hearing those words was too much, and you launch yourself into his chest as the first tear trickles down your cheek. Your lips press sloppily to his, the kiss messy and wet as his hand slides into your leggings. His fingers find your wet slit in an instant, desperately parting your lips to slide a lithe finger into you. Your body reacts to him instantly, in a way that surprises you. Almost as though it too was crying out for him, keening into him and begging for his touch as much as your mind is. Spencer hauls one of your thighs up to hook around his waist as he presses another finger into you. You cry out softly into the quiet air, accompanied only by the labored breathing fanning across your face.

"I need to feel you, I- I need-" You can barely get the words out as he steadily pumps his fingers into you. His mouth on yours silences your desperate pleading, his chest firmly pressing your back into the wall. You missed being able to feel him and you hate that you forgot what it feels like to have his body on yours. It's been so long you forgot what the sting of his cock feels like. What it feels like when you stretch wide open around him, to feel like you're being ripped in two. Spencer continues his pace, his thumb rolling your clit to provide the extra stimulation you're missing. It's not enough to satisfy you, but its enough for you two cum. Which you do. You gush around his fingers as you gently come undone, your back arching into him.

"Please," You beg wantonly, curling your other leg around his waist as his hands hook underneath your thighs. Spencer's lips press against yours, moving slowly against your own. You know now that you will never stop loving Spencer, and that he's completely ruined you for life. You'll never be able to love anybody else without your heart wandering back to him. But then again, you don't really mind because you don't want to be with anybody else. You don't want to love anybody else. You just want him, only him. He pushes into your room, walking the entirety of the way with his eyes closed and his mouth pressed against yours. He has the layout of your house mapped out in his head? He never even bumped into anything until he was dropping you unceremoniously on the bed.

"Tell me what you need, I'll give you whatever you want." Spencer husks against you, hovering above you. Your fingers are already unbuttoning his shirt before you even have the chance to respond to him. You know instantly what you want, what you need from him.

"I want all of you, give me everything." You plead, your lips practically chasing his as he kneels up over you. He's being soft tonight, and that's something you appreciate greatly. You need to feel his love, you need to feel everything you know he can't quite put into words. His hands are shaking as he undoes the button and zipper of his dress slacks before kicking them off the edge of the bed. You stare up at his naked body, looking as though it's been sculpted by the Gods specifically for you. Spencer smiles softly at you as he pulls your leggings down your legs, leaving little nips and kisses on your inner thighs as he goes.

"Hurry." You groan, nearly clawing at his bare shoulders to pull him back up to you. Spencer chuckles at how eager you are, watching with interested eyes as the head of his cock breaches your folds. You reluctantly stretch open as he continues his intrusion, his fists curling tightly around the sheets. Christ you weren't lying about not sleeping with anyone else, you're so tight it's making him feel a little lightheaded. Inch by inch Spencer presses into you, his forehead resting against yours once his pelvis is sitting flush against yours. Sure, you've had sex with hi before but never have you felt this connected to him. Spencer sits like a gentleman and lets you adjust to his size, trying to take a few deep breaths himself. It's hard to breathe with your heat sucking him in with a vice grip.

"Can I move?" You're surprised by how collected his voice is, but the furrow of his brow is a giveaway that he's losing the battle to stay stock still inside you.

"Yes, please." You moan, unashamed. Spencer gently draws his hips back, pulling himself nearly all the way out before swiftly sliding back into your inviting cunt. He sets the pace slow and deep, his hands reaching up to lace through yours. Every time the head of his cock nudges that spot deep inside you, you can feel your toes curl. Your head slams back against the pillows, unable to keep your gaze on him any longer. You feel yourself becoming one with him, and you wish you could capture this moment somewhere other then just in your minds eye. Your memory is nowhere near as good as Spencer's, he'll be able to recall every detail of this moment up until the day he dies. But over time, this memory will fade for you. It'll wear out, all the details becoming fuzzy and blurred. If he's not here in front of you, you'll forget and you don't want to forget.

When the night draws to a close, and the moon has reached its peak, Spencer slips carefully out of bed. It chisels away pieces of his heart as he carefully gets dressed, reaching for his go bag which he'd brought inside upon realizing that he'd be staying a while. He pulls out a t-shirt he'd worn recently and leaves it folded neatly at the end of your bed, something for you to hold onto when he's gone. Spencer's cheeks are wet with tears as he leans over and presses a kiss to your head.

"I love you." Is the last thing he whispers in the space between you two before he's gone again.

On the jet, Derek can't keep his eyes off Spencer and that helplessly broken look on his face. A book is laid nestled in Spencer's lap, but Derek can tell he isn't really reading it. Trying to bother Spencer into opening up probably won't work, but it's worth a try. Derek has to do something and this is all he can think of.

"You okay kid?"

"Yeah fine, why?" Spencer draws his eyes up from the book, his gaze meeting Derek's from across the table. While Spencer might be a talented actor, he can't lie to Derek.

"Look I know how hard it must have been leaving her again-"

"Did you know that on average the FDA allows a minimum of 1 rodent hair per 100 grams of peanut butter? They have to allow themselves room for error just in case of-"

"Alright you win, forget it." Derek sighs, turning his gaze out the window. In an instant Spencer drops his peanut butter spiel, turning back to his book. A guaranteed way to get people off his back is to start rambling about something boring or gross, they usually leave him alone pretty quickly. It's not that Spencer doesn't appreciate Derek's concern, he just doesn't want to talk about it. He can't talk about it, because every time he imagines how you're going to feel when you wake up, tears come to the surface of his eyes. He hates this case more than all the rest even though they saved the victim. Spencer hates this case for ripping open an old wound, one he thought healed.

He was wrong.

When you wake the next morning you knew he'd be gone. That didn't stop the tears from coming when you reached over and felt cold sheets. That didn't stop the tears from coming when you cried how much you loved him over and over again even though he couldn't hear you. It doesn't change how badly this hurts, how much worse it feels compared to the first time he left. Your eyes catch the shirt folded at the end of the bed and you grab it instantly. You pull it over your body and you lay down in your bed, inhaling his cologne that you know will fade over time. Eventually his scent will disappear, removing all traces that this fabric belonged to him at all. Every trace of him will disappear over time, every mark from your body will slowly vanish. When it's all gone, you'll be left with nothing more than a t-shirt that's too big for you, and a cold reminder that the man you love will never truly be yours. A reminder that every time he comes home, he leaves again.

A cold reminder that this world is cruel for bringing you Spencer Reid, only to rip him from you again and again.

#spencer reid #spencer reid smut #criminal minds #criminal minds smut #spencer x y/n #spencer x you

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