#be so hard to come back after weeks or potential months and it’s stressing me out which when I’m stressed it physically hurts my nerves and

[cherrysnax]

as someone who has to draw everyday, or else I forget how to draw, repetitive strain injuries are bound to happen but damn I didn’t know long it was gonna take to heal 😭 I have to take like a 2-3 week hiatus and if it doesn’t get better after that I have to take a few months off which makes me so nervous n upset

[venusandsaturnsrings]

The school year finally ended... I hate college SO much :( but I am alive!! I beg for some crumbs of thoughts on Sunday... -chubby darling anon who is very much alive and finally got a mitsuri scale figure <3

putting all of my other fics, blurbs, and asks on PAUSE for this!! congrats!! no more school foorrr… 3ish months!! after dropping out of uni, i’ve been finally considering going back myself for phlebotomy!! canadas health situation is lack lustre rn and the course is less than one year + paid practicum + immediate job placement which is kinda sweet… CONGRATS ON THE FIGURE TOO!! i recently (like a month and a half ago) procured the hatsune miku jirai kei subculture fashion figure and i cannot stress how pretty she is <3 sits on my pc right now bc my shelves are full… ANYWAYS… love you!!

includes: silly sunday hcs, potential story spoilers, maybe ooc im still feeling him out, praise, degradation, riding crops, his hands…, and gender neutral reader!!

very poignantly the hopeless romantic type. he’s always functioned as a ‘singularity’ of sorts and over the years developed a certain fondness of it, even if it hurts. it’s worth noting he vividly reminds me of the line ‘i miss the comfort in being sad,’ from nirvanas ‘Frances Farmer Will Have Her Revenge on Seattle.’ he’s the type of partner to always be stuck in that self-absorbed martyr mindset a little bit.

pragmatic to a fault. Sunday is deeply a skeptic, take his departure from the harmony in favour of the order, as an example. it’s cool because it means you’ll never have to worry about any technicalities but it also means he has a hard time letting go of control or being spontaneous.

very into more subtle romantic gestures and an absolute gentleman. you’ll have flowers at your door at least once a week and he makes sure to take all of your preferences into consideration when planning dates (he will be the one planning). keeps his hand on your lower back most of the time, the waist is far too scandalous!!

not a big texter. he prefers speaking face to face and will call if he can’t come see you. that said, he’ll make sure to like or respond to all of the silly pictures and messages you send, even if it’s a dry ‘haha’ or just a heart. occasionally, you’ll find that he’s sent you a letter, ask about and he’ll shrug and say he simply wanted something more heartfelt if he’s to communicate written. he’s got a special stamp to seal the ones he sends you.

grabs your phone when you go to show him something. no explanation i just feel it in my bones.

although he’s no singer, he’s still a classically trained musician. i imagine he was taught the violin but went on to learn his preferred instrument, the harp, himself. he’s a bit shy about playing so rather than asking, just wait until he thinks it’s late and you’re not around to hear; he’s got quite the set of fingers.

…speaking of fingers, my bread and butter, he’s beyond skilled with playing you. while he enjoys getting down to business, getting to leisurely spread you open and thrum against all your nerves gets him going. could spend hours having you laid out, in his lap, on the floor, wherever, just gently coaxing you open, wet, and pliant for himself.

off of that, he likes you best worn down to soft edges and weak desperation. getting to play the saviour, making you come undone, has him stiff in his pants.

lots of sweet praise and subtle degradation. things like, “you want to be good for me, don’t you my sweet?,” or, “now, now, don’t get greedy on me. be patient, silly thing, and i’ll appease all of your foolish whims,” annddd, “come now, you’ve been so well for me, angel, don’t ruin that with any useless whines.”

he’s not one for being too harsh against you but push the right buttons and you’ll get a ‘dumb’ or ‘stupid’ here and there. Sunday doesn’t curse but he knows his way around how to make you feel inferior and looked down upon.

he likes the power play of staying fully and pristinely clothed while your completely nude, save for maybe a pretty collar he’s got you belled with. if you’re real trouble, say maybe a no good criminal causing problems on Penacony and once arrested you’re at his disposal and oh so pretty, he’ll find a nice muzzle to fix you with.

strikes, no pun intended, me as the type to have an affinity for riding crops over anything else for punishments. you’ll get the same sugarcoated degradation while he comments on how you’re not even good enough to be so close to his gloved hand that he just must use the crop!! (he likes the pretty bruises it leaves).

[wool-f]

I'M QUITTING MY 9 - 5 TO FOLLOW MY DREAMS

Hello my beautiful internet friends,

Tagging onto my sentiment from last week regarding following your dreams with complete reckless abandon and vigour, I thought I would follow on with the obvious next step (for me anyway).

I am quitting my job without a real concrete plan or a backup option to follow my dreams.

If you enjoy your job and it's the dream career pathway for you, this blog post is not meant for you. By all means keep reading of course, but I'm reaching out to my fellow dreamers who have fallen into careers that are not their callings - the people who are dreaming of something else entirely.

If I'm being completely honest I don't hate my job. But I don't love it either. It's most certainly not what I thought I would be doing at 30, and truly not the career stepping stone I imaged it would be when I was first offered the role two and a half years ago.

I'm a local news reporter in Melbourne, working for one of (if not the most popular) newspaper in the city. Day to day is very mundane, there isn't all that much jazz with local news.

While I dreamt of being a writer and Melbourne's answer to Carrie Bradshaw or Andie Anderson, my current job couldn't be further from that (I do feel Andie's pain when she wants to write something that matters and her editor is so limiting!!!!)

So last week after writing my post about committing to yourself, I was journalling and came to a realisation. In order to commit to myself, I need to fully commit to my dreams and aspirations, and to do that, I really need to quit my job.

Now thinking pragmatically because let me be one hundred percent honest, we are in a cost of living crisis and I'm not going to cold quit my job without a little bit of savings and backing to myself - I won't be leaving immediately. I think we can all agree that kind of rash decision making is for rich people who have no stress factors in their lives apart from happiness.

What I plan to do is a little but more strategic than that.

I've given myself three months to build up as thick of a foundation as possible, to get all my figurative ducks in a row and to make myself a plan for the following time frame that will constitute me following my dreams and actually succeeding. I'm trying to put my best foot forward to achieve exactly what I want and not need to take a step back into something that I'm not passionate about.

Sometimes I think people really hesitate to do the things they really want to do, whether it be because of the stories we tell ourselves in our minds, the stories society tell us about success and what it means to be fulfilled, or just because we think our dreams are out of touch from reality.

I don't want to be that person anymore. I don't want to be held back by these invisible, non-existent barriers that only stop me from reaching my full potential in life and happiness.

I have been working very hard to change the stories I tell myself in my mind, and after an incident at my current workplace (not with me, but with my colleague and management), I understood that my time at the company is coming to a close and I need to move on to something bigger and better; on to something that just in general, is a better fit for me.

I know that being self-employed is not a lifestyle everyone can achieve or that everyone wants - but I think it is the lifestyle change I want for myself, at least for now.

I obviously will keep writing this blog as a way to track how I'm going and to continue the development of my own writing.

But for now - I'm going to quit my job and follow my dreams. I definitely think it's something everyone should consider doing at least once in their lives (obviously make sure you're not going to send yourself into homelessness please, this message is not for every single person in this moment of time, prepare yourself!!).

Let's be the generation of people who don't take no for an answer - the generation of people who make things happen for ourselves and find the joy that we desire from doing the things we love and turning them into a profitable way to live!

These are my thoughts for the week, I know I'll be back next week with something just as crazy I'm sure, but for now, all the love in the world to whoever has made it this far down.

Love always,

G xx

p.s please support my journey to self employment - follow me on my other platforms (they're all free) and engage with me <3

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kweenofthieves TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@kweenofthieves?lang=en YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@kweenofthieves

[friskebits]

CASEY JR IS SO SILLY SO HAVE A RANT ON HIM! So, we all know he was raised in an apocalypse, and there aren't any real life examples of how living like that would effect someone, but! I've been taking a intro to psych for a few months now and I might be wrong on a few things here so feel free to add onto this if u want :3 Moving on, you ever heard of Maslow's Hierarchy? No? Well here it is (and if you have just bear with me for a moment)

The way this hierarchy works is that in order to get to self-actualization, which is extremely hard to do in a normal world already, you need to have all the rows of this pyramid fulfilled, and Casey Jr was failed from step one. Obviously he was loved and cared for, but love and familial relationships come after physical needs. You can't build a pyramid starting from the third layer. Obviously the Turtles and Casey Sr and April tried their hardest but it's really hard to take care of a baby, especially with limited recourses and its safe to assume that every now and then he went hungry or was cold and didn't get enough rest, especially throughout his childhood. Obviously he grew up used to his unfortunate life so I'd like to think he sorta lived his own version version of this hierarchy, an unfulfilled one. Now with all of that out of the way, it's so wholeheartedly heartbreaking that this kid will never reach self-actualization which is literally basically just actually enjoying life, being creative, having fun in general pretty consistently. This fucking kid was failed from step one, and will probably never reach his full potential!

He was raised centered around one thing, stop the kraang. Having your entire life centered around one goal is really unhealthy, especially since he knows absolutely nothing outside of that goal. His entire conscious and unconscious mind is occupied with that goal. Even when he's safe and consciously is perfectly aware of his safety, his unconscious mind doesn't know that. Being in fight-or-flight mode for long periods of time isn't sustainable, it'll literally kill you, and he's been in fighting mode his entire life, sudden changes in setting and environment are gonna trigger that fight or flight response HARD. His first few weeks or months or hell even years with the present turtles is gonna be filled with him getting SO pissed at himself for still treating his life like he's gonna die at every turn, not to mention again going back to the pyramid, all of a sudden he's thrown into a place where he can fix himself and reach his full potential, but it's extremely possible that his constant need for a survival situation is a cardinal trait and he might not want to! It's very easy to get used to being scared, and it's very easy to assume he got really used to it.

Typically speaking after an extreme high (for Casey Jr, going to the past and saving the world) you get stuck in an extreme low. The relief we can tell he feels at the end of the movie is gonna be gone and fast. Not to mention the stress of being in an entirely new environment with people he knows that don't know him, being in a place where everyone else hasn't been failed in such a fundamental way the way he was, set up for failure from step one? This kid is NOT going to be okay for a VERY long time- and that's stacked on top of YEARS of ptsd and watching everyone he loves die, his entire being is out of place in the present and he breaks my heart because when you're in a place where you're so flawed, completely by yourself and stuck with people who will never understand your life, you're completely and utterly fucked.

(tags for friembs :3 @clanofjones @paytato435)

[absurdthirst]

I need advice. You’ve always steered my right before ♥️

I’m so conflicted. Apologies for the essay but i genuinely don’t know what to do.

So, for context, my brother and his partner split earlier in the year. He was living with my parents for a few months before they split because they were having issues. He basically reverted to a teenager. Couldn’t be bothered to see his kids and just wanted to online game all the time. Fast forward to end of Feb, he has a massive blowout with my family and moves back home. It then later transpired that he had been cheating for months prior to all this and his ex kicked him out.

He now lives with my mum (parents are split) and hasn’t spoken to my dad, my husband or I for months (hubby and I didn’t absolutely nothing wrong). He sent a text the day we had our son (after his ex told him to) but that’s it. Radio silence. Taken zero interest in our son. Doesn’t seem to care about any of us.

My husband and I have always been super supportive and have tried to be as present as we can in his kids lives (we do live 2 hours away). His ex has met the baby. Took several trains to come visit and it took her 3 hours but he still, 2 and a half months on, has not bothered to visit (he can also drive). We met his daughter at a month old and his son was a week old.

Now to what I need advise on.

My mum, who I have a strained relationship with as is for many reasons but mainly because we have never been her priority, has been diagnosed with very early breast cancer.

Its completely treatable and hasn’t spread so honestly the best case scenario… but obviously still stressful. One thing to know about my mum, shes a pathological liar and has always used situations to gain sympathy but she has cried wolf so many times it’s hard to believe her when she is telling the truth. She has lied about having cancer once before. She had a benign tumour removed… then changed her story later to say it was cancerous despite telling us initially it wasn’t. I know it is true this time though, only because a close family friend confirmed it.

However, its her birthday in September and she wants us all get together for lunch. As you can imagine I have very mixed feelings about this. As much as i understand she wants her family together, i don’t particularly want to spend an afternoon with my brother. Before this all happened i had told her that we will go but we won’t bring the baby if my brother doesn’t reach out first. She said she’d have a word with him but he still hasn’t.

She’s now trying to use this situation as a way to manipulate me into getting her way but I feel really strongly about him not being introduced to my baby until he demonstrates that he actually cares about him. I grew up feeling very unwanted by my mum and I don’t want that for my child. So I am still set on trying to get someone to take care of him if he still doesn’t reach out.

Am I being unreasonable here? My husband thinks I should just suck it up but I honestly don’t think he gets how hurt I am 😔

Nope. You aren’t required to bring your baby around a potentially toxic situation.

It sounds like your brother has the emotional maturity of a child and he knows he was wrong and refuses to own up to it. He’s too busy living his life how he sees fit.

Given that he’s had no interest in your family, you have no requirement to bring your baby around him. Your mother sounds great. Like my grandmother and I’ve lived less than 40 minutes from her for the past year and I’ve seen her one time. Only for her to lie about me and I’ve not spoken to her since.

You want to protect your child from the heartaches you lived through. There isn’t anything wrong with that.

Although, anon, I do advise you to perhaps speak to a therapist for the feelings from your childhood and for some tactics to set boundaries with your family and deal with their toxicity.

Congratulations on your baby! 💜

[emmy-dekarios-bg3]

Heart of the Weave - chapter 2

After a couple of hours and some eating, I begin to feel myself again. I may have eaten more than usual, which isn’t a big deal, but I felt like I hadn’t eaten in days, maybe weeks, but I most certainly have. I’m used to feeling sickly; I did have an unusual mind flayer tadpole in my brain for months, so it’s nothing out of the ordinary for me. Oh, Gods, please don’t let it somehow be another tadpole. Not sure how that would be possible unless the little parasite laid eggs somehow. Do they even lay eggs?

Gale finally comes home from the Academy after some time, looking exhausted but antsy to see me after a long day. He appears to feel yet again satisfied with all of his accomplishments today, and I’m always glad to see it. This is the dream he has always wanted to live and watching him thrive and reach his goals is satisfying on every level. I love him for the man he is, rather than the god he wanted to be. He doesn’t have to please me like he had to try and please his pompous goddess. He places his heavy magic books on the shelf, then walks up to me with his admirable smile that I can’t get enough of. He moves my brown hair out of my face with his fingers, gazing into my eyes. I can’t believe I married this wonderful man.

“There’s my baby,” he says, pulling me into a gentle embrace. I smile, and take in his floral and earthly aroma, tingling my senses. I only see him every day, yet it never gets old. “How was your day?”

Another discomfort rises within me, only this time it’s a strong wave of nausea, which I believe is coming from the intense flashbacks I had earlier. Anxiety has been rough these past few months, and even though it’s been easier lately, it still comes around every now and then, taunting me like a sick bully. Trauma. Mindflayers. Piles of corpses in the Bhaal temple. I try to hold back the urge to vomit. It’s never hit me this hard before. Along with nausea comes pain radiating throughout my entire body similar to severe growing pains or muscle pains, but I don’t want Gale to worry about me, so I stay silent about it. It’s been a year since I’ve had to witness any of these traumatic events, yet I’m reliving them like a night terror. I take a deep breath and close my eyes for a moment, trying to stay calm and collected. Is it normal for post traumatic stress to cause pain and nauseating feelings within the body?

“It’s been a day, but I’ve…” The lightheadedness is back again with a vengeance, and I think my feeling of illness is visibly showing on my face. “I did get some gardening done. A lot, actually. How was work?”

Gale studies my face for a moment, suspecting something is wrong with me. I’m not myself and he knows it. While I’m a cleric myself, I don’t have it in me to put my full potential in for any sort of healing spell. Maybe we should call for Shadowheart somehow.

“Oh, you are much more pale than usual, and that’s coming from someone who once witnessed you as a half-illithid. I’m worried about you. Are you feeling alright?” Tara observes me as well and I suspect that she knows what could be wrong with me. If she does, she won’t say it in front of Gale.

“I just feel a little ill, nothing to be concerned about.” He raises an eyebrow, concerned nonetheless, but that’s understandable. It’s not often I’m actually sick, but when I am, it usually hits with a vengeance.

“After all the predicaments with mindflayer colonies, I’m a little paranoid. Then again, you’ve overcome so much that the average person wouldn’t. I’m here for you always. Please tell me if you begin to feel worse.” I wrap my arms around him once more, and he holds me ever so closely into his warm chest. It’s strange; I felt completely fine up until a couple hours ago.

“I love you,” I murmured into his ear. The love between us overlaps the vile feeling within me, whatever it may be. Gale smiles at me, his eyes glistening from the reflection of the sun that beams through the glass windows. I can see myself within them, but also the powerful love he holds for me.

“I love you too, beautiful.” I look back outside at the ocean, admiring how beautifully it sways right outside our home. The songs of the sea put me right to sleep when I lie in bed with Gale, helping ease my anxious thoughts.

“I meant to ask this earlier, but how is your mom?” I ask as I head downstairs to grab some water. He chuckles as he follows me to the kitchen. It always delights him when we talk about his family, because he went so long without seeing them and he is most certainly a family man.

“Oddly enough, she clicked so well with your mother at our wedding that she’s going to grab tea today. She stopped by to see me at the Academy and told me. She also asked how you were doing and hopes to see you soon. I let her know she can come by anytime.”

Something about what he just said was so fulfilling; it’s so nice to have a husband that has a family that gets along so well with mine. I always worried about being the “daughter in law” that everyone hates. No, not Gale’s family; they’re the best.

“I honestly love them, I think they may become best friends.”

“I think they’re way ahead of you,” Gale says assuringly. I smile, chugging down my large glass of water, but it wasn’t enough so I refill my cup with more. “Were you just thirsty?”

“It’s possible I was dehydrated and that’s why I wasn’t feeling too well. Then again, you know me. One of my worst habits isn’t drinking enough water and I need to do better about that.”

The next couple hours involve us lying on the couch and talking about our companions that went off to partake in their own lives, wondering what they could all be up to. I think about Astarion and wonder if he’s still doing okay, considering the sun could burn him to a crisp if he’s out too long. Ah, our sweet, sassy vampire friend. He was one of those who accompanied us on our adventures, though he always wanted to cause trouble. Eventually, that crazy elf grew out of that…or so I want to believe. I hope we run into him again soon. I begin to worry if he’s even still alive or in Baldur’s Gate, or if he started a new life in another region.

“You know, maybe we should visit our old friends. We haven’t seen them in… six months?” Gale suggests. “I can’t keep up with time anymore. It seems ages ago.”

“Great idea. Last time we saw everyone was at the reunion. We got so close to everybody, and they always cross my mind,” I murmur, stroking Gale’s arm with my finger. “Karlach and Wyll in Avernus. Astarion in Baldur’s Gate. Who even knows where Shadowheart is, she’s all over the place. No matter. We will need to get in touch with them soon somehow.”

As my head is on his chest, I can hear the soothing sound of his heartbeat. However, the clock in the living area had other plans; it interrupted my peace by releasing the loud sound of a bell, letting us know it’s four o’ clock. It also startled the hell out of me.

“Well, my love, I will be back soon. I need to go to the library upstairs to study a book for a few moments. The students have a stressful exam tomorrow and I want to make sure I have it prepared correctly for them,” Gale says. “I’ll only be there for about an hour.”

“That’s totally fine, take your time. I’ll get started on dinner.” Gale places the softest of kisses on my forehead before heading back upstairs to the library, giving me yet another lovely sensation; one would call them ‘butterflies.’ Mine still don’t go away after all this time.

[meatriarchived]

sometimes i think about how things were in the weeks that maria first went missing, but back home - not her while she's under johnny's thumb but rather how her mother and ana and other family took her going missing.

the dread that settles in when you get a knock on the door and its a pair of detectives / officers who've come to tell you that they've found your childs' car abandoned off in the middle of nowhere, with most of her things still inside but zero trace of her. how it looks like its been sitting out there, seemingly for just shy of how long it had been since they last got a call from her letting them know where she was, that she was alright. how the worry over the weeks from not hearing from her turns into horror and fear and panic and grief at all those what happened scenarios flooding the mind - of peoples speculations being voiced crassly in front of them.

how desperate ana must have been for literally any trace to come forward about maria, that she took it upon herself to track down where her friends from uni were probably in hopes initially that maybe they'd heard from or seen her at all. and then to let them know that the searches aren't going well, that theyve heard whispers that they're planning to simply stop them altogether. the anger she must feel that her sister isnt being cared for as a person, just another file some badged man can toss into a file cabinet and forget about.

and then i think about the broadcasts. of the pleads from maria's family to continue looking for her, to come forward with literally anything at that point. how their mother probably could barely sputter out any words, but ana takes over and so clearly begs and demands that her sister not be forgotten, that they keep the searches for her going, that she isn't just a number or a piece of paper she's a living breathing person who deserves so much more than to be shelved and scoffed at. how ana probably said things along the lines of "we aren't giving up on you, we will find you - we are going to keep looking for you we are never going to stop, even if it takes months, even if it takes years, we will find and bring you home".

how hard of a hit on their mothers' health all the stress probably took, ana having to juggle trying so desperately to find maria while also trying to be reassuring and positive with their mother to keep her hopeful, keep her healthy.

how their father showed up after word of her going missing reached him, guilt-ridden and angry but just wanting to help in any way he could.

how danny grabbed all his things and returned to town the moment he was updated from being down by the coastlines for his trade school. how he left within the hour and drove cross-state to get there and help however he could. his anger and frustration so evident on him, fighting with it to try and stay a pillar for ana and mrs flores given his long-term friendship with maria and her family.

just. all of the absolute chaos of those weeks, the floating in nothingness, waiting by phones for it to ring with really any news at all. the friends getting together to scour over all the recent places they all knew or could speculate she may have gone to and traveling so aimlessly to every single one of them - looking for literally any kind of scraps they could possibly find.

the hopeless feeling after so many of them turned up with nothing.

and then tie all of this up with the idea that local sheriffs / police depts are covering things up - hiding or destroying evidence, silencing any potential witness, doing everything in their power to not let anything get out because they already know whose involved, and theyre already bent at the knee in submission to these people out in the middle of nowhere with scrawling acres upon acres of property.

its just all heartbreaking to me.

[roleplay-abiogenesis2]

Blog Update / Muse Retirement

//Hate that it's got to this point. Going to be a bit of a downer here so, read at your own discretion.

There is little to say really. Like many people here, I use RP as a form of escapism to my own stress and life. It makes me genuinely happy to get into character and forget about problems for a while.

These past weeks I have been in dire need of RP more than I had in a very long time. An awful timing really, to hit a slump in interactions.

I did my homework, I tried to network. I reached out. A few became welcome and beautiful mutuals, but many, many many others unfortunately did not. At my age, I tell myself I can handle rejection well, but that is only true to a certain degree. Even if I don't let these feelings impact my routine and real life, they are there nonetheless. And I don't want them to be.

After doing research on how to help with the situation, I have reached the conclusion that I have been in denial just how much my choice to make a multimuse blog has come back to bite me in the ass. Things like anonymous RP confessions say it like it is: multimuse blogs are stigmatized and often passed on without a chance given.

We are considered to be unorganized, lack commitment, and not provide the muses we put in our roster we asked. Personally, I thought multimuse was an excellent idea. I thought that making single blogs muses for such niche fandoms would lead to no activity, since my pool of potential partners would be smaller. I thought a multimuse would equal to fish with a net rather than a rod.

I was wrong, haha.

I can be super organized and tag every post with its fandom; I can provide all the tools for my followers to blacklist fandoms they are not interested in; I can commit to respond to any muse in my roster one may ask for. All this hard work won't amount to anything to those who just look at a number and decide I do none of those things without actually giving me a chance to prove them wrong.

So what is it that I can do? Create single muse blogs. The idea of having to log out and log in from tumblr for each individual muse to check notifications, reblog memes and post replies seems like even more work than what I already am doing, but if it is what gets mutuals, then so be it.

I feel like I have lost a fight here, but RP is a hobby, my favorite hobby, and it shouldn't be making me miserable.

So what is the TLDR? Do not panic. This blog isn't going anywhere anytime soon. But I will be slowly retiring muses that haven't gotten any engagement in months. Those I care to keep will get their own blog, and when those are set up and running, I will update you and provide links for anyone interested.

We are talking about an endeavor that will take months, so do not throw me away as a mutual just yet. This blog will stay up and running until everything else is set up properly. I have over 1500 posts to scan through and decide whether to transfer or not (I hate to leave my own writing behind, I like to go back and reread these threads for my own enjoyment).

In the meantime, I hope to still RP with everyone here. If you want to make sure I update you regarding a specific muse getting their own blog, DM me and I'll write a memo to do so. Just know that it is a long term project.

Thanks to all of my new mutuals and the old ones who have stuck around. You guys are keeping me sane everyday and trust me, this is less of an overstatement than it sounds.

Saru-mun\\

[lefae]

PLEASE HELP - PC ISSUES

As mentioned in a prior post, my desktop pc is currently out of commission due to hard drive issues. My pc is my primary everything in terms of communication, entertainment, and what little income I have available to me, being disabled and unable to work.

As it currently stands, I have a primary hard drive that my OS and most of my software runs off of, and a secondary drive that acts as my primary file storage for active use files. Both of these drives are having issues after I had unplugged the desktop during a recent thunderstorm (leaving the pc plugged in during such weather isn't an option, due to a ridiculously shoddy power grid and high risk of not only the power getting knocked out, but lightening running in on the lines as well).

The primary drive is clearly technically recoverable - all the files are still accessible through the Windows PE I've booted into from a flash drive, so I can do backups of things from there. The secondary drive, on the other hand, may prove more trouble than I originally anticipated, as it's only showing as either roughly 4GB or 120GB, depending on the utility trying to access it, and it's a 3TB drive...

The biggest obstacle right now is that I don't have the spare space to back up what I can in order to even hope to recover things properly. And, with the secondary drive doing as it is, it may or may not be recoverable at all - I've faced similar issues in the past, but I don't remember how I fixed it then, which is definitely a problem now. (For those reading this who don't know me, I have severe memory problems, mostly as a result of a brain injury, further complicated by other health issues, which is the largest reason for why I am unable to work.)

As it stands, I may also need to completely replace the secondary drive entirely, as preliminary scans show a mass of bad sectors, though how accurate that may or may not be, I can't currently determine. Either way, what limited income I have (which is barely $100 per month, and not even consistently every month) goes entirely to paying for groceries and medication. Due to my health, I can't sacrifice a month's worth of groceries to buy computer hardware (or a new mattress for my bed, which I desperately need as well, nor a new cane and ankle brace, nor any number of other things I need and simply can't afford).

It is this reason that I am asking for help. If, by some odd chance, you have ideas of how I might even fix the issues (because I'm at my wit's end, and have been stressing over this for over a week now, and it's not like I can take it to someone else to be fixed), then by all means, poke me with your suggestions.

Otherwise, if you're willing and able to help me get the necessary external drive (and potentially a new internal drive too, if it comes down to having to replace internal parts as well), then I would highly appreciate it:

You can leave a tip here on tumblr, or you can buy me a coffee.

Reblogs are highly appreciated as well.

[zenyteehee]

Today, I am…one month sober

Some days I still kinda hate it. I didn’t become so taken with weed for no reason. For a while, it really did help me with mental health stuff (anxiety, nightmares, etc) not particularly well controlled by my actual meds, with actually managing to get some rest and destress while working 60-70 hours a week at a high stress job, and with managing chronic pain and the physical and mental stress of living with a chronic, potentially life threatening illness. It’s just that after a while, I couldn’t sleep without it and my solution to everything was 🍃

Some days though, I really have started to feel like I’m coming back to life. Lupus still gives me mad brain fog sometimes but I don’t always feel like that now. I feel more present. I do hobbies now, even if I still don’t have a ton of time to do them. I’ve been working on myself, going back to yoga and martial arts. It’s still really, really hard because my career will continue to be heavy in hours and heavy in stress for the next 5 years minimum, I still have lupus with some increasingly severe features, and I still have mental health issues, none of the above have great fixes. But I’m going to have those forever and letting a substance control me is no more of an answer than letting anorexia control me was, so at the very least, regardless of the drug test I have to pass (which started all this), I’m sober now until I stop hating it.

Anyway, look at the flower I’ve been drawing a petal for every day I’m sober (plz ignore my early attempts at calligraphy that make it look like I have randomly added a bunch of “s”s 😂):

[shadymissionary]

Hi, I feel like rambling here for a bit. I have a kinda life-changing conversation coming up tonight that I'm both extremely excited and extremely anxious about.

My partner and I have more or less been in a polyamorous relationship with our two close friends for...idk, 3 years? We've been getting very close with them over the years, and now that we all live in the same city and see each other frequently, it's almost always on my mind. And polyamory can be scary and confusing!! There is almost no framework for it that we learn about growing up, like with monogamous relationships, and so it feels a lot harder to navigate all of the questions and uncertainties.

Circumstances could not have lined up more perfectly to have this conversation though, so I'm feeling good about things. And it's just going to be an enormous relief to be open and honest with my friends about things that I've been holding in for years.

These two are so important to me, I love them so much they're like family, and I've felt so insecure about speaking up about certain things due to the fear of their reactions and potentially damaging our relationship. But I know they love me too and will be completely understanding.

I'm so happy to have an amazing partner that has listened to me vent about this stuff for years now, and his support feels like the one thing that has kept me sane. And I'm glad that I finally have the confidence and motivation to move through all of this uncertainty into a healthier relationship for all of us.

I've been doing a lot of work on myself lately, starting HRT, journaling, going back to therapy, reading mental health books, and listening to mental health podcasts. Last week I was listening to a lecture on Individuation, from Jungian psychology, and the concept of synchronicity was introduced to me. Basically, finding a connection between your own thoughts/desires and the things happening around you in the world. And to recognize when the universe is slapping you in the face telling you to do something.

I had an amazing therapy session yesterday and discussed the feelings I'm having, and how I finally feel ready to address them so I can move on from all this stress. But not knowing how best to find a time to talk about these things and get the conversation started has been the obstacle. I left the session knowing I had to reach out to the two I need to talk to and see if there's a time we could meet and chat. I even had a time limit on myself of getting this done before they host a Halloween party next weekend.

Lo and behold, just a few hours after yesterday's therapy session, I get a text from them asking us to come hang out tonight. Normally I would think up some reason not to, just wanting to chill at home on a Tuesday night, but it was so clear that the opportunity to talk was literally being handed to me. It makes me feel like the world is telling me to do this, and that it's gonna be okay.

I am going to cry so, so hard. But it's going to feel good to get it all off my chest. It's kinda scary, I've never cried in front of either of them that I can recall. So I know it's going to be a surprise that I've been holding all of these feelings in for years. More than anything, I just want the four of us to all be on the same page.

What's also kind of funny to me is like... in most respects, this should be a very easy step for me, but I've had to do so much to build my confidence in order to have this conversation. Earlier this month I came out as non-binary to my parents, and then soon after to my whole extended family. Like, that stuff should have been the hard part! And it was, don't get me wrong, but it didn't take nearly as much effort and crying as it has to prepare myself for tonight's conversation. The impossible task in my mind has been "open up about your feelings to your closest friends." And I'm certain now that I can do it, and that it will work out. ♥

This final dungeon music has been playing in my head all day as this conversation looms in the near future. Fitting that I just got to this point in Baten Kaitos last night hehe. I am gonna survive from that mf force!!

[novelmonger]

*deep breath* Okay. Taking the plunge. Accountability time.

It's been close to five years since I decided the career I want to pursue is scoping, which is basically editing for court reporters. I started out training to be a court reporter, but washed out after a very depressing, discouraging, and exhausting six months and turned to scoping instead. It would be something I can do from home, self-employed, remotely, from anywhere with an internet connection. From what people in the industry say, I could potentially double what I'm making right now (not that that's saying very much), within the first year of work. And best of all, it's right up my alley - I would be paid to nitpick somebody's punctuation and spelling?! That's like a dream come true! And there is no end to work out there, because people will always be suing each other over something.

It's also been close to five years ago that I signed up for an online scoping course. The nice thing about it is that, because I paid in full up front, I have lifetime access to the website and the course, and there's no deadline by which I have to complete the training.

Of course, the downside to all of that is that it's enabled me to procrastinate for most of those five years.

The situation has become really embarrassing to me, if I'm being honest. Why don't I just buckle down and get it done? There are so many logical reasons why I should be pursuing this with everything I've got! But...it's hard. It's really hard to stay motivated, after slaving away for most of my life at school, when now I'm an adult and in full control of how I spend my time. And as exciting as the prospect of this career is, it's also kind of terrifying to think about eventually quitting my job and seeking out clients, and having to manage my workflow in such a way that I don't end up under a bridge within a year. My current job is boring and doesn't compensate me enough for what I do, but it's pretty secure and stress-free. I realize how rare that is, and I'm afraid to weigh anchor and leave that safe harbor.

Anyway, now that so many years have passed and most people in my life have stopped asking me how the training's going because they've probably forgotten or assumed I'm never going to make it, I think the shame of not finishing what I set out to do is finally outweighing that fear. I need to get this done. I have no reason not to get this done. So I'm going to do it. I may not make much progress very fast - but hey, that's what I've been doing all along, right? Slow and steady will win the race eventually.

So I'm putting this out there for accountability purposes. I'm going to try to check in every week and say what I did in pursuit of this goal. Maybe, with that expectation sitting in the back of my head, I'll be motivated to actually get off my butt and do something finally. If a week goes by and you don't hear anything about this, please feel free to bug me about it in an ask or a DM. I'd also appreciate prayers. I need all the help I can get.

I'll be using the tag "what's the scope?" for talking about scoping, so you can block that if you like.

[vannahfanfics]

I just wanna take a moment to express my gratitude to the folks who have commissioned me! Just in the last week, I’ve gotten more commissions than probably the entirety I’ve had them, and it just means so much than y’all know. I haven’t really made this real public knowledge, but part of the reason I am reviving commissions is because I honestly need it. I’m placing the details under the cut, just because I’m not really trying to take advantage of the popularity in commissions to spin a sob story, but just because I want y’all to know what kind of impact y’all can have on a creator when you support them. 

But the point of this post is to express my heartfelt thanks to everyone who has commissioned thus far and those who may yet do so. I’m working hard to get back to the level of content I was putting out pre-medical school, and I know I’ve got a lot to do, but the support from everyone since I started my humble little circle of RarePair Hell means more than y’all could ever realize. One month of the year is already over, and I’m looking forward to creating more wonderful things that you all enjoy! 

From the bottom of my heart, thank you all!

Now, to dive into why I’m compelled to write this little love letter to everyone at all: 

TBH, this third year has been a financial struggle for me; I am living in a rather expensive apartment by virtue of a severe availability shortage where I live, and it was either sign a lease with this place or face a potentially rocky living situation with my parents (details I will not go into here). I am only getting by because I take the maximum amount of student loans I can every year (I am already $250,000 in debt with a year to go, and that is without debt from my undergraduate degree!), and there’s rumors that my rent may increase substantially come August. I can’t afford to move then, and then move again for residency the upcoming year, so I’m pretty much stuck. 

Even with me taking all these student loans, I had to pull the entirety of my savings just to pay bills in the three weeks between the loan checks over December/January because, when divided evenly between the months, these stipends really don’t go far. It is even worse this semester; we get paid one lump sum every August and January, and the balance is not skewed toward the amount of months. The same amount covers August-December (5 months) as January-August (8 months). After bills, to try and put back money to replenish my savings, I am living on pretty much $1000 a month right now. Which, let me tell you, does not go far these days. It’s more than some people have, and I am definitely grateful that I have it. But it’s still hard. 

I have to pay for my boards soon, which will probably be hundreds of dollars, if not over a thousand—for one national standardized test that we have to take to graduate, mind you! Next year will be even worse because the medical school does not pay for any of the travel rotations that we do; all of the expenses are shouldered by us. I don’t know if any appeals for financial aid will bear fruit. I know for a fact that financial lability is going to limit my opportunities, which will in turn limit my opportunities for residency. To say that I am stressing about the future is an understatement. 

I’ve never been the type to ask for money, especially from online strangers, and again, me outlining my recent financial struggles isn’t a ploy to get more. But I want y’all to be aware of what y’all have unknowingly done. Seeing those e-mails from Ko-fi roll in over the last few days has moved me to tears. The fact that people enjoy my writing enough to give me their hard-earned money—when, universally, we are probably all struggling—warms me to my core. Y’all’s commissions gave me the reassurance that I have more to spend on gas or groceries this month, or have a small sum that I can put into my savings to use for traveling next school year, or have a little extra padding if something happens. 

I know I can’t make this into a side hustle like fanartists can thanks to the gray legality of monetizing fanfiction, and I don’t want to lock my regular fanfiction behind a paywall, anyhow. I write for the love of it and to make people happy, not to make money—even if it would be more beneficial to me to do so. Anyway, I know this boom in commissions probably won’t last. 

But for one month, you guys made my life a little easier. Genuinely, thanks for that. You didn’t know I needed it. I didn’t either. And I’m just really full of love right now. 

[lucysweatslove]

So after my other assessment about a month ago I called a psych NP to medically address the ADHD… I wanted to see somebody outside of my hospital group because 1) I didn’t want to have to go through my PCP (who, for the last three years, has refused to even consider I might be ADHD, let alone the potential autism) and 2) I might have rotations at the hospital and I wanted to keep my own medical stuff independent from the people who are required to assess me and give me grades.

Anyway she didn’t call me back for like 3 weeks, but she DID call me last week and I met with her this Tuesday. Yay, right?

And while she is operating under the belief that I likely DO have ADHD, she wants formal neuropsych testing (you know, like the computer based TOVA thing, I think, and other assessment tools). I was referred out AGAIN, and I think Thursday THAT provider called me back. I set up an appointment for this upcoming Friday, and now I can’t remember when I see the psych NP again, but we are actually going somewhere.

And I’m a little scared?

Like what if the testing doesn’t show enough impairment and thus they don’t think I have ADHD? I did the CAARS scale already online to prep for it, and since I don’t really have strong emotional lability and pretty much no anger, and I’m very much inattention and no hyperactivity, which may be not enough. Like I’m just not inattentive ENOUGH. If I was just a little hyperactive or had just a little more anger it would be enough, but it’s not enough now. And if it’s not enough will they try to give some other BS reason why I do what my husband calls “squirreling?” (which is when I start a project or a task, get distracted, get distracted from my distraction, get distracted from THAT distraction, and eventually I have done maybe 5% of 50 different tasks that I haven’t finished and I’m so tired and burnt out I need a nap).

The rational mind says “it’s so classic inattentive ADHD; of course testing will show it,” but the fearful part of me just says nope, the problem is you, you don’t try hard enough, you don’t have grit, that’s why everything is harder, and they will tell you that and leave you on your merry way to tell your husband it turns out you just suck and if he wants to have a happier home divorce may be required because why stay with somebody who can’t just choose to be a normal functioning adult. (Yes this is catastrophizing).

This doesn’t even touch the autism part. Which since I don’t think that needs any treatment, I wasn’t seeking anything about that with psych NP and she didn’t include it on the referral. It’s not that I hide it, I disclose it to my medical team, I just am not coming into the appointments with anything autism-related as my “chief complaint.”

But I’m also a little concerned that the neuropsychologist is going to blame EVERYTHING on the autism, and then say there isn’t anything I can do to treat it, so now it’s at least not my fault but I don’t have much hope of being successful because I just have to live with it and work within my means which at this point in time maybe I can do med school or maybe I’ll struggle with focus so much alongside the, you know, stress of being autistic and having my cohort know something is “off” about me but it’s not SO obvious that they’re nice because they know it’s autism and instead they just avoid me because I’m weird (and yes I’m catastrophizing again)

Also also my car still has its snow tires on, so my husband tried to get an appointment to swap them out, but they are booked for over a month… so instead he is dropping it off Monday and they will do it whenever they get around to it which could take all week. Not that I’m ungrateful to them always being able to work my car in for tire changes, but our other car is a manual, which I can’t drive, so I’ll be stuck at home. I also didn’t get a say in this so it was just thrust on me like “oh btw starting Monday morning you can’t go anywhere for an indefinite amount of time that you have no control over.”

Which is also an issues because Thurs and Fri I was too distracted with assessment intake paperwork and disorganized to get myself into the gym so I was really hoping to go on my normal days next week, but alas.

It’ll probably all be fine. I’ll get my car back on Wednesday or maybe Thursday morning and just miss another couple days. The neuropsych assessment will be fine because I AM disorganized and distractible with attentional control issues. And even if the NP requires I start with Strattera (nobody in my family with ADHD has had success with it), I’ll still be one step closer to medical management to actually help me function better.

[adhdthoughts]

Yeah, so.. today is an elvanse-day, I was studying for my exams (on 26.04) in the evening and had a midnight flow.

My gf told me (at around 00:00), that I should stop and get to be in time, so I can take my Elvanse tomorrow for a potential productive day, but I was just in the flow and wanted to continue.

(If you didn't read my recent post: Elvanse is hard to sleep on for me, so I better take that early.)

So I continued till 02:00. And now I'm doing posts on here, even though I wanted to sleep already, and it's 03:40 now.. 💀

I really miss my gf 😭, she went to her parents (they live in Austria, about 10h by train) for 10 days in total and comes back in 2,5 days. Thats another 3 nights sleeping alone 😔. I sadly couldn't go with her, because I need to study for my apprenticeship exam and because thats for sure not enough, I have to do a programming project that should be done in 80h that I need to do in the same time-window on work as learning for the exam. So you learn new stuff on work, probably need to do smth for that home while studying. So I'm kinda totally in stress and that's why I couldn't go with her. Her dad had bd and invited me to join them all to a spa/hotel in Hungary. I mean I hate to travel that much, but not being apart of gf and being together with her in the hotel room would be nice. (Giggity)

In 1 month we have 1 year anniversary :3 🥳.

It's going pretty good between us, we want to cuddle and kiss the same amount and never had an argument or dispute so far and we met almost every day or at least spending almost every night together.

I really should study more so I have more time for her when she comes back, because we both really need our cuddles and attention after so long apart. (I swear 1 week apart is so fkn hard for us, it's a disgrace.)

But it's not as easy as said. Sure it would be cool to study now and have more time for her when she's here, but that's sadly not how it works.. :(

So yeah.. Idk if I can my medication tomorrow I wann have a good sleep finally (not really getting that on working days, because I'm too long awake and need to get up "early").

But I'm kinda afraid if I can do it, because my company kinda wants their apprentice/trainees to have good grades and rn, I don't really now how to learn for all that and get my project done in time.

I also want to have time for my gf (I can't study so much anyway) and also have time for my hobbies (gym, wakeboarding, streaming). Especially streaming on twitch sparks much joy for me.

It's hard being me for the next 2,5 weeks, I'll have a really shitty, stressfull time..

I also want my company to keep me after I finished my apprenticeship, so I better get good grades on exam/project.

😭😭😭

Its (04:15 now, fml) 💀

[what-the-hayl]

Happy Weekend from 〽️⛈️☀️

507 days, no Budweiser, BUT man have I been craving it.

The weather is getting warmer & I think this time of year will always be a struggle for me cause I miss shotgunnin’ one in the middle of the afternoon with some good country tunes blarin’, & some dope souls to cheers with OR a night out while the sun goes down taking some tequila shots, listening to a band play. I miss the “moderation control” in my early years of drinking for literal social purposes.

Luckily for me now, I can still go to such places and still be able to remember what shit taste like and I just have to constantly remember how sick i used to get after consuming, but more importantly how peaceful my mental is now. I’ve grown so much, matured a lot, and like to think I see life in a brighter eye on this journey. I’m constantly reminding myself on a regular basis that I don’t need alcohol to have a personality.

I started some different counseling this week, & she asked me what my strengths & weaknesses are. She started with my strengths and I was able to list off plenty, I used to have to think long and hard about what to say good about me. I hated myself back then, nothing was good of me. Then she asked me what my weaknesses were ( this list mentally was always long, but I’d only say the ones out loud that won’t make ya look bad at your new potential employer during a interview ) I gave her a couple - I don’t look at my weaknesses as weaknesses tho, I’m still in training in those areas.. I’m a puzzle, in pieces.. weaknesses are what guide us, anyways it’s just cool to acknowledge and realize my “triggers” / “ticks” / the parts about me that need improvement. I remember my denial days, so for me to notice them now & actively work on them is sweet.

Growth.

Sobriety is reeeeeally cool.

Couple weeks ago, my body went thru something, a physical, HIGH intense, intense emotional stress.. a whirlwind of emotions anger… overwhelmed.. I was unheard…..during this time was a reminder why I would pick up my keys and head out to the bar. During this “episode” I was able to reflect back to my troubled days & realized that back then alcohol & cocaine were the answers to those feelings —-

—- they’re not.

I read a LOT now a days. I’ve gained the knowledge of inner channeling our energy. Naturally we feel our feels and wanna act on them, we can but I’ve been navigating healthier outlets to get those emotions out. ( if you recommend any boxing classes let me KNOW ) 🙃

You know how everyone always says “keep going” / “don’t give up” / “your time will come” it’s so crazy cause it’s true. You just have to believe and fu%kin roll with it, for real. Cause even a couple months ago, I was working on some things and having those doubts but NOW I’m naturally doing those changes. You are what you think.

Sobriety is reeeeeeally neat.

Tell me about your journey? ( it doesn’t have to be a sober one 😌 ) What’s a huge accomplish / project you’re working on for yourself? Are your thoughts helping you or hurting you?

oh .. hey..

I’m proud of you! 🖤