#bc of her poor health. so.
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serious vent
my sister is going to the ER tonight and im very very tired but im hang a silly but terrifying fear that ill sleep and ill wake tomorrow and she will have
#kermit.txt#irl death mention#hospital tw#medical tw#we dont know whats causing her to be sick but theres a lot of underlying issues#bc of her poor health. so.#brain is assuming the worst but my eyes are also burning rn#negative#delete later
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higuchi thoughts of the day: as much as i love the idea of her having some devastatingly destructive ability… her having a healing/support ability would explain so much of her character. like. her high ranking in the mafia despite (as far as we know) not being extraordinarily strong. her assignment to akutagawa + his resentment of her + her being so overprotective of him. the irl author’s connection to mori and yosano. dw about it
#what if it’s something like alleviating pain or slowing disease progression. a palliative care thing#if that’s the case then it would explain why it’s been a mystery for so long. asgr would've had to reveal akutagawa’s illness first#which only just happened timeline-wise#ik aku said he hasn’t told anyone about it but. i find it very hard to believe he could hide it from mori of all people. the literal doctor#but GOD it would just make so much sense.#i always thought it was weird that he has these ultra specific plot reasons for why he treats/treated atsushi and kyouka so badly#but for higuchi it’s just. unprovoked malice??? idk. i don’t buy it#and why does he even need an assistant. there are other mafiosi weaker/less loyal/more of a loose cannon than he is that don’t have one#but if she was assigned to him bc of his illness… him not being able to stand her bc her presence is indicative of his own weakness#her being overbearing bc she knows it’s entirely her responsibility to stop him from succumbing to his poor health#much more satisfying than the ‘he’s just an asshole’/‘she’s just a obsessed stalker’ idea that a lot of people believe#and it would add a whole new layer of context to that chapter of her saving his life and saying it’s her job to do so. hrmmmm.#i can invent an akutagawa and higuchi lore that’s sooooo copium#bsd#higuchi
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The JD vs Amber Heard stuff was actually insane. I didn't keep up with it because I disagreed with the sheer principle of publicizing something like *that* but the misogyny was MASK OFF...
NO LIKE FRL IT WAS SO INSANE
#ask tag#Tbh like#The thing is i’d already known and been misinformed about the case for a long time prior so I started off thinking depp was innocent#And then I remember when I realized he was very much not partially Bc of the hate I was seeing towards Amber Heard#Like the exposed texts of him saying extremely sexist violent stuff about her and everyone just dismissing that#It became clear that I was wrong from the get-go like that he actually was horrible and I assumed everyone else would realize that too#but then the more ppl dismissed or mocked the real indisputable evidence she brought up#The more I saw that ppl didn’t actually care#They were just excited to be evil and dismissive towards a woman#Lmao sometime after that I stopped giving a fuck about “male mental health” bc clearly they’re not being as shunned as they pretend they r#Sorry is that controversial#I’m just saying if u reversed the genders that trial would’ve played out way differently#The concept of male victims and men with poor mental needing extra attention and care bc theyre sooo marginalized bc they’re men#And they dont get respect and support like those selfish abused women#Should’ve died after this case#Bc whenever there are male victims they get all the support and attention from everyone#Female victims get This#Like dont get me wrong there’s stigma#But the stigma for male victims is “lol you’re like a woman now that’s funny” “lol so r u gay”#The stigma for female victims is “you evil bitch how could you ruin his life you deserved worse you bitch”
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Btw sorry but unfortunately my mind is currently trapped between Shame™️ (over existing. Fuck being so socially anxious-) and Guilt✨️✨️(not doing said things) and Tireddddd (everything irl)-
Plus mother has decided to be extra homophobic nd shit the last couple days, and apparently me nd her *alone* r going to a fair together tmrw so. If I'm not responding 2 anything that is specificly plot/heavy/have to be somewhat mentally aware 4,, I'm sorry nd ill (probably. Hopefully??) be back on Saturday.
#last time we went to a fair i got so socially drained so fast and she did Not appreciate ut#im sorry i cant handle being around large groups of ppl irl ???!??? just bcs i didnt talk to ppl however does not mean i did nto feel on the#edge of panicking the whole fucking time tho.#anyways rip volomteering 2day and then this tmrw if i end up vent posting again heres the context lol???#T.T#godddddddd fuck this tbh- i love fairs (or used to??) but the last few times I've gone have all just been. so shit.#i miss the adrenaline highs of rides without the panic attack(s) of being pickpocketed and the saddness of being exluded nd shit#plus the always present#yk shame of Existing in a piblic place. which tbf has gotten better receney but. idk.#also whoop whoop if i hear her start talkimg homophobic nd transphobic shit ahain this week i might just. cry?#(wont do that actually because fuck crying infront of her she just yells nd now i dont cry infront of ppl but still-)#oh god this is so much vent in the tags rip-#enea rambles <3#:3#eneas poor mental health jumpscare :]#tw homophobia
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My super nice water bottle broke beyond repair and I can't replace it because my mom doesn't have her company discount anymore and this cup costs $60😭
#the cup was actually free because the owner of the company paid for it#we got it with the $1000 gift card he gave us at a dinner#so even with the discount i wouldn't gave been able to replace it bc it's still at least $25 (I think it was a 50% discount? maybe 20% idr)#yes my family was close with a billionaire and we're still poor and they still fired my mom#he could have given us a million dollars at any point and he'd be fine#nice that he paid for us to have dinner and gave us gift cards to his own store instead of helping us not be in poverty#MY MOM HELPED HIM BUILD THIS COMPANY SINCE HE STARTED IT#it was all for show. take us out to dinner to make yourself look good but do absolutely NOTHING when my mom gets fired over HER HEALTH#SHE IS NEARLY SIXTY FIVE YEARS OLD!!! SHE ONLY HAD A FEW YEARS LEFT BEFORE SHE RETIRED!#johnny count your fucking days#.bdo
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the thing about Aelwyn that I think about a lot is that there's a lot to the notion that she, to a certain extent, was so abrasive with Adaine because of how obstinate Adaine is with their parents. If you have based a chunk of your personality on the precept of "The only way to protect myself is to meet my parents' expectations and obey them at all costs", then every time Adaine pushes back against them, there is almost unquestionably a fear-response -- even if you aren't the one who set your parent off, their stress/frustration can fill a room to the point of becoming smothering anyway. And if you don't feel safe getting mad at your parents for being a source of stress/fear in your life, then invariably the only thing you can do is begin to resent the third-party who you perceive as setting them off for no reason instead of playing it safe, like you do.
#N posts stuff#NOT saying this in a 'oh poor aelwyn; adaine's such a Problematic Asshole' way lmfao -- that wouldn't make Any sense#but just sort of in an idle 'what Were Aelwyn's motivations and reasonings for her role in things?' musing#i think that Aelwyn was like. to an Extent was kind of drinking the kool-aid in a way that only really got destabilized after being torture#of like 'Adaine is treated badly bc she behaves badly. i am a good daughter so my parents treat me better' being completely shaken#when Aelwyn has been completely destroyed by torture - even if she doesn't remember the mental effects she's still Physically#affected - and her parents continue to push her and refuse to allow her to rest and blatantly could Not care less about her health#and that triggering an 'Oh. I wasn't Earning any real love/respect; I'm just an easier Tool to use than Adaine is' realization#but Brennan does also make it clear that Aelwyn was Afraid of their parents in a way that I'm not sure Adaine was#which is interesting to think about. Adaine blatantly Dislikes their parents and knows that she's being mistreated and resents that#but with how freely she talks back to them - I don't think they Scare her? at least up until her dad makes more overt attempts to harm her#and even then she seems to shift into 'well I just need to Defeat them then' mentality instead of a 'that's Scary' kind of feeling#i DO NOT think that Adaine is like. better off or better adjusted or anything; i think she's just dysfunctional in a different way#anyway i am just interested in the notion that Adaine and Aelwyn both kind of saw each other as 'Aggressor' and resented each other for it#until Aelwyn was able to have that final realization about the like. full-scope of their parents' cruelty and like.#was able to sever that cycle enough to See Adaine fully and allowed them to reach out to one another finally
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Lyanna Stark this Lyanna Stark that - Elia Martell is MY ASOIAF dead girl
#people talking about her poor health.... tywin hoping she dies so he could marry cersei to rhaegar...#thoughts are being thunk#my poor girl i would have kept you alive forever#anyways as you can tell i'm rereading asoiaf bc it made me crazy like 10 years ago and i need to experience that again#with more formed brain and stuff#also it keeps me offline love that for me#ofc no hate to lyanna just everytime elia is mentioned my heart breaks more#thank u bye again i'm Reading#should probably tag this if i wanted to post more#rereading asoiaf bc my brain is more formed now
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#vent#ahhh my best friend has once again told me to move out and look at shelters hahahahahahaha#like fuck man there ISNT A SHELTER HERE.#the only one we have is only open a couple months in winter#and also a shelter is THE WORST OPTION#esp in utah#like if i move out i need 2 have like help i cant just do it on my own yknow#he did have a good idea abt a mental health professional being able 2 help me tho..#but then im 2 scared my mom will find out im going to therapy!!!#but i am going to look into it#bc like. i just cant do this anymore yknow#this place is killing me#like literally#both my mental and physical health are. very poor rn.#idk what 2 do idk. i am fuckin scared abt everything yknow#dissociation has gotten worse#i keep seeing things#heart is acting up#cant eat#keep having nightmares#mom wants me 2 give her $1.5k#my dog is super arthritic n im the only one who will do anything with her#which is making MY joints and body pain way worse#i am always sick n i always have the smell of mold stuck in my nose now#i cant even function man#i just lay on the couch all day sick and out of my mind n then i get screamed at for it#bc im the only one who cleans so if im not cleaning the house is fucked and so the house is fucked#i cant see a way out idk#nothing makes me happy and i feel like im dying again#my entire life is fucked
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uggghhhhhh god dammit i literally cant do anything but miss and lose ughhh
#had to drive my poor middle aged cat cross state for a fkn vet appt#and her health isnt in danger but her nerves and everything are Frail#and bc of stupid shithead traffic and not leaving fucking 2 hours early i wound up late#so now she's in the car w me sitting in traffic to get back up home lying so quietly panting in fear#i feel so so bad for her. and she didnt even get checked up#hate this#cant get one bit right bro. whatever.#sry to vent
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I know I have a severe case of dematillomania and trichotillomania bc I think ab getting surgical tools like multiple times a year when I have a particularly stubborn DEEP hair
#marquilla#i need: localized anesthetic. tiiiiiny scalpel. tiiiiiny hemostats. tiiiiny clamps. okay mostly i want a scalpel#ive thought ab using an exacto blade more than once. only thing stopping me is the probability of hitting an artery or blood vessel :/#it's too high. my fear of blood is severely diminished when im digging out a hair but it comes back when i see a gush from digging too far#well the pain also stops me i should add that. but mostly the blood vessel thing#i know i have a severe case but i dont intend on stopping bc none of the suggested coping mechanisms and alternatives help me#listen man it's this or smoking. i need something and this does less damage to my body#i can have a little self destructive coping mechanism as a treat#it'd be drinking if i could stomach alcohol. too self aware/cheap to do drugs. seriously consider smoking hence why this is my alternative#and why i dont talk to my therapists ab it anymore. and im too not poor but uhhh financially aware? to gamble#like ive gambled at carnivals lol and my mom will play this one game for hours if we let her (which is funny bc throughout my childhood the#guy running that booth every year was our neighbor we had beef with. we preteneded to not know each other during the carnival agsgdgdggd#i seriously consider smoking like 6x a year but the cosmetic damage (yellow teeth. yellow brittle nails. whatever the hell it does to fuck#up your skin) are more heavy deterrents than the health aspects. also im cheap and hate the smell of smoke sgdgdggd so lucky me huh?#so i need SOME unhealthy coping mechanism so this is better than the other options. besides this is KEEPING me from those so..
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#shit chat#disordered eating cw#how to. politely ask my housemate to stop fucking telling me about her diet progress#she's trying to lose weight cause she's a musician & her band is traveling to this big thing at the end of the month#by doing really strict by-weight portion control and it does NOT seem healthy#she's trying to get back to her 'italy weight' and like. girl. u went to italy in high school 10 years ago & biked everywhere for a month#if you are at that same weight a decade later without exercise by simply making yourself eat less food there is a problem!#that is not aspirational that's horrifying!!! no u don't look hot in your gig outfit from 2013 you look disproportionately skinny!#so i gotta sit her down at some point and be like listen. ur an adult ur gonna do what you do#& i know ur industry puts insane pressure on women to look a certain way on stage.#but as someone with a history of disordered eating i will not cheer you on and support your 'progress'#and quite honestly it makes me uncomfortable to even talk about it and see your stupid little diet scale on the kitchen counter every day!!#i strongly associate weight loss with poor health for a number of reasons#and firmly believe that weight gain is cool and sexy and that everyone should be less afraid of being actually!!!#it was a struggle w/ dysmorphia for a while but putting on some chub is one of the best things i've been able to do for my body as an adult#i love my squishy tummy and hearing you obsess about having a perfectly flat (ie concave) abdomen daily is deeply saddening!!!#bleh. it's hard. i feel like i should gently intervene but also i do not want to get involved bc it's more than i can handle rn#*less afraid of being fat actually
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I got yelled at by my (to be former) psychiatrist today. one of the things she got upset about was my depression and anxiety getting better. why? bc I improved while off medication.
the American mental "healthcare" system is a fucking joke and I'm not laughing.
#i sincerely hate medical so-called professionals#she also got mad bc i kept FORGETTING to start my meds and i have ADHD#like oh the disorder that causes memory issues and poor habit-forming ??#its making it to where you cant remember your meds exist and ots hard for you to remember to start taking them???? wow you fuck#i also had life things get in the way like being stuck in LA for 2 weeks#and other health issues that i informed her of#she told me -- maybe youre better off in therapy -- and -- dont waste my time#she also said -- anyone can give you adderall -- okay bet imma find someone who isnt upset IM BETTER regardless of if they helped me or not#legit she took it personally and was OFFENDED like maybe choose andifferent profession bc WOW
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Hate my mom but also cabin trip happening like- rn so I get to hr away from her, and also I'm going to a Ren fair with my friend next Saturday (probably)- so I am going to force myself to feel better by posting the photography stuff :>
#my moms been hell this morning and im genuinely so done with her#shes been using slurs and yelling and talkiny ahout how she doesnt trust my friend bcs of her name (has never met her in jer life)#also just being sure a total bitch /neg#also she said if someone snuck in and killed her this weekend it was my fault first and most nd then my “faggot fathers” second#which tbh i dont even care anymore.#honestly.#eneas poor mental health jumpscare :]#enea rambles <3
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My good old friends (Felix asmr videos)
#his are great for me bc its something quiet and soothing but they dont make me tired#anyway my cat has developed like a sniffle/blocked sounding nose and shes still recovering after having a tick and getting her teeth remove#[she was a street cat like 6 months ago hence the poor health]#and its 6am so not like i could go to the vet anyway but few places suggested sitting in a steamy bathroom can help#so now im just sitting on. blanket on the floor with her and listening to felix eat biccys 😫#thanks felix lol#honestly other than the weird blocked nose shes acting fine so hopefully it passes yk
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I hate myself so much!!!! I keep telling people and myself that "i'm going to a job interview to x place tomorrow or next monday" and i feel so sure about it but then the day arrives and i can't bring myself to get out of bed because i let anxiety win!!!!!
#i don't know how to get over it 😭😭😭😭😭😭#x#i just like... it's a combination of things#i feel like a live in a vicious circle because i have to take care of my mom bc her health hasn't been so good lately#and she fell on the street the other day and can't move her right arm too much because her shoulder hurts#so i have to do all the chores in the house 😭#i want to get a job close to my house because shootings keep happening and idk if my last job will take me back again 😭#being poor sucks
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also can i please have a run of really good financial luck for everyone i know. i don’t need to be included i’m doing fine but holy shit it’s bad out there.
#my poor teacher friend is looking for jobs and they’re like ‘$14/hr for lead teacher!!’#my friend’s small business got sued by a shitty competitor and is about to go under bc of legal costs#my partner’s small business relies on everyone else having a decent economic run and so his income is like halved#my other partner really really needs a new job for her mental health#now would be a great time for a rich uncle i didn’t know about to die
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