#i always thought it was weird that he has these ultra specific plot reasons for why he treats/treated atsushi and kyouka so badly

[spliqi]

higuchi thoughts of the day: as much as i love the idea of her having some devastatingly destructive ability… her having a healing/support ability would explain so much of her character. like. her high ranking in the mafia despite (as far as we know) not being extraordinarily strong. her assignment to akutagawa + his resentment of her + her being so overprotective of him. the irl author’s connection to mori and yosano. dw about it

[theseerasures]

Which part specifically? I mean, yeah, the whole game is a disaster, but I'd love to hear specific points. There was so much I didn't like about Fates that it just collectively merges as 'bad' in my mind.

it's not really anything specific tbh!! because the way Fates is misogynistic is not different from the way the other Fire Emblems (that i’ve. played. it’s possible all the ones pre-Sacred Stones were actually Forbidden Feminist Utopias) also carry that unmistakable whiff of misogyny. it's not done out of malice, it's just...a franchise that loves to play high fantasy tropes straight, particularly the bit about Restoring the Good Monarch. i never got the sense that they thought hard about the fact that the dude protags (Ephraim, Ike, Chrom) get intricate coming of age stories about tempering their talents for murder with wisdom, while all the lady "protags" (Eirika, Elincia, Micaiah) mostly don't change at all and just kinda swan around doing the "we are ethereal maidens too good for this sinful earth" thing, and when they do wibble it's always about how they wish they could be as "strong" as their dude counterparts except they inevitably can't and don't want to be, because war is bad!!! there's too much war in this war game franchise, buy our next DLC for how to solve war with war

(Lucina's a weird case, but that's why i love her, and...i suspect the only reason Lucina got to be the way she is was because she was doing DRAG, which is a rabbit hole that we don't have time for.)

Fates (sidebar: i played Revelations but i know what happens in Birthright and Conquest. i ended up doing all the Paralogues, because i was morbidly curious about how many different ways you could tell a "no dad!!! it's your dream" story, and the answer was "around four, so spreading them across TWENTY ONE versions basically creates the story equivalent of ultra skim milk.") doesn't do anything functionally different from its predecessors, it's just...more egregious this time, because so much of the story feels exclusively catered to drawing attention to it. i get the sense that the devs were trying to aim for bigger, more sophisticated storytelling than what they did with Awakening, which is why we got Fire Emblem: More Royals Than Ever and the requisite chin-stroking about families of blood vs. families of choice, but that they were trying to be Deep (tm) just made the parts that have always been shallow in the franchise look uglier.

i'm just gonna talk about the Royals, because the story privileges the Royals to a truly mind-bending degree (see above: high fantasy, monarchism). with the Royals we have:

the Hoshido/Nohr sibling matchy-matchy that is eerie from the outset (did Sumeragi and Garon set TIMERS so they'd impregnate women at roughly the same time and murder the babies who didn't come out the right gender?), even before you get to the part where they are "foils" for each other in p much aesthetic only, since their personalities are not actually that different when you get down to it. you have the Dutiful Big Bro (Xander and Ryoma), the Closeted Lesbian Big Sis (Camilla and Hinoka, representing opposite ends of the gender presentation spectrum), the Insecure Lil Bro (Takumi and Leo), and the Incorruptibly Pure Lil Sis (Sakura and Elise, the latter of whom for her crime of being outgoing was punished with death in Birthright, which...yikes)

so like. extremely paint by numbers right from conception (heh). why couldn't Xander have been the one who was Naive and Not Ready for This World? because he is Boy, which means he can only be flawed in the Boy Ways, so he must be Too Worldly instead. why couldn't Camilla be the oldest? she's already jaded and weird, so why not make her the heir just to shake things up? because she is Girl and Too Weird and Wearing BLACK, and weird girls in black can't be queen--even if Xander dies, she can't be queen.

Azura is clearly supposed to The Chrom Surrogate of this game insofar as she's your blue haired pal with whom you share a destiny, but she is The Chrom Surrogate but MAXIMUM GIRL, so she's the quintessential non-combatant class, she has a special song that soothes the hearts of warriors, she LITERALLY DIES FOR THE PEACE (TM) IN BIRTHRIGHT AND CONQUEST. (and obviously her hair can't be the Fire Emblem Classic shade of blue--that's too masculine.)

wrt the second gen, lineage is passed through the dad in the eugenics factory this time, which is on paper a fine shakeup from in Awakening, but...ALL the definitely-royal second gens are boys? don't get me wrong: i actually adore what they did with Forrest--like, fucking superb u gender-nonconforming fashion-loving Prince of Peace--but Forrest being an actually interesting inversion of what we expect (that isn't played for laughs!!!) makes all the other boys come off as much blander than they could be. why can't Kiragi be a dirt and hunting loving GIRL? i love Shiro's supports with Kana, but his whole "boisterous laid back but also inferiority complex" deal would be much less tired if he were the Crown Princess instead of Prince. i suppose if Siegbert were Girl with Anxiety and Kingship he'd just...be Lucina, but that's not necessarily a bad thing!!! bitches love Lucina!! (i'm bitches)

the thing is all of this would be...well. not FINE, but more acceptable if they did some things to flesh out those cookie-cutter personalities. Fates didn't deliver for any of the Royals to the extent i wanted it to, but even for what we had the girls got markedly less than the boys did. the moment that made me go "hoo boy maybe i will make poast about this" was in the climax when all the Five Whatevers lit up to form the Fire Emblem and we got some nice concept art of Takumi Leo Ryoma and Xander making :O faces, while the girls...were also there! in Revelation i'm pretty sure you can cut out Camilla Hinoka Elise and Sakura and leave the plot basically unchanged. you could say they fare better in Birthright and Conquest, but you could just as easily say they fare WORSE, because what they get to do if they're NPCs in those routes are: be sad and die, be sad and be spared from dying, be sad and get even weirder before being spared from dying, or be sad.

Camilla and Hinoka feel like the most wasted potential, because we haven't had as many "female royal who is actually pretty down with murder" characters before. but the devs clearly had no idea with what to DO with that, so (outside of her daddy and mommy issues, the details of which we learn about via supports with Niles the resident sex pest and hoo boy the "queer rep" in this game is whole other can of worms) Camilla became your momsistergirlfriend with built-in innovative airbag technology, whose creepiness is played for laughs, and Hinoka was...wait which one was Hinoka again

i am partly just being glib for comic effect, but like--the underlying problems are there, no matter how seriously or generously you want to read it. Fates doesn't go out of its way to mistreat its women; it just doesn't expend any effort thinking about them, so the misogyny breaks loose and stands out anyway.

[junoisnotme]

/rp and /dsmp, ok so im 3 days late but I think thats ok so Tommy and Techno kidnapped Connor and bargained his safety in return for Technoblade’s weapons specifically his rocket launcher and his pickaxe. Tommy and Techno run in with Dream and Tommy finally stands up to Dream and breaks out of Dream’s metaphorical chains. Im so proud of him but Dream tries one more time to get Tommy back under his manipulation and bring him back to his place where he can never leave again but Techno stands up for Tommy basically saying “HE’S MY THESEUS GET YOUR OWN” but my hopes of a protective older brother Techno it’s all crushed by “unless you wanna cash in on that favor” but Dream says that he has something else planned for that later and lets Tommy and Techno leave. Tommy is finally free from Dream’s clutches and to represent this instead of looking down at lava ominously by Dream’s doing he jumps right into the lava without a second thought. Now it’s theories and thoughts time, a lot of people say that Techno is also manipulating Tommy like how Dream manipulated him because he’s trying to convince Tommy that Tubbo is bad but in reality Techno is only telling that to Tommy because that’s what he truely believes, he knows that exileing your friend and never visiting them once is not something a friend would do and it seems like Techno really cares about Tommy because Tommy in Logshire (or however you spell it) would always log on drowning in water and sometimes does die in that water and he knows that Tommy reallwants his discs back thus Technoblade gave Tommy a turtle shell helmet with respiration 3 on it so that he wouldn’t drown anymore and he also gave him Technoblade’s Canon Disc as a way of making him feel better not to mention standing up for him when they encountered Dream. I think that Tommy is going to be put into the prison for plot reasons because who has a bunch of withers that can easily break through obsidian ya thats right Technoblade I think that Technoblade is going to break Tommy out of prison but I think that the favor is going to be used to save Dream when everyone starts to hate him or maybe to save Dream at the festival and btw i have no clue as to what might happen at the festival but i have some idea so Techno and Tommy are going to invade L’Manburg with the hound army, Ranboo is probably going to loss a canon life, and I think Dream is going to go into hiding on the day of the festival for maybe revealing something that will make everyone hate him or do something to make everyone hate him. (just a note again i only watch TommyInit, Technoblade, Wilbur and occasionally Quackity when it comes to watching SMP stuff) { Ok apparently tumblr is being rude but here is my comment back for your reply @laellia I will add in my input and thoughts on the favor thing I also think it was more challenging kinda tone is seemingly saying to Dream "hey unless you wanna loss the only leverage you have on me for something as usless as this im not going to give Tommy up" i fully 100% agree with that but I still think that the favor is going to be used for something because Techno is still leaning on it and it keeps getting mentioned so it probably is going to be used in the lore unless they wanna do some sort of useless red herring to throw us off but from what i can tell thats not really Techno's writing style (i have some sort of ultra analysis where i can tell someone's writing style its weird dont ask) i think i implied it in a previous ted talk of mine but i do fully agree with you! }

[secret-diary-of-an-fa]

Hidden Gems of the Silver Screen (And, to a Lesser Extent, the Telly)

It can’t have escaped your notice that the majority of my more recent posts (and fuck knows I’m not posting regularly at the moment) are about movies and TV. The reason for that is pretty simple: 2019 has, surprisingly, yielded some great movies and TV... and also some really torrid shite. On the one hand, films like Ma, Brightburn and The Perfection continue to breathe new life into the horror genre. On the other hand, sci-fi as a cinematic and televised thing continues to ignore its actual audience in favour of sniffing its own farts in a sound-proof chamber designed specifically for next-level virtue-signalling. One thing I will say about the dreck of 2019 is that it’s interesting dreck, at least so far. Another Life, for example, isn’t just bad: it’s mind-bogglingly, fascinatingly bad, as though someone set out to make the worst TV series imaginable and accidentally created a portal to another dimension made entirely of crap.

With all the amazingly wonderful and transifxingly terrible visual media on offer lately, it’s easy to forget that there’s a rich repository of films and TV series from just a few years ago that you’ve probably never watched. You see if you, like me, are a snooty, card-carrying member of the elitist intelligentsia, you probably missed films and TV series that looked dumb as soup on the surface on the grounds that they weren’t worth your time. Luckily for you, I’ve dived nose-first into the detritus of our dying culture, so you don’t have to, and I’ve ferreted out the diamonds from the pig-swill. Without further ado, I’d therefore like to present my list Easily Overlooked Gems.

1. Mandy The phrase “Nicholas Cage stars in a sword-and-sorcery rape/revenge thriller” does not inspire confidence. It’s therefore easy to ignore Mandy and the promptly forget it ever existed. Which is a shame, because it’s kind of a work of genius. The plot is exactly what you’d expect: a cult kidnaps, rapes and kills Cage’s girlfriend, Mandy, and Cage sets out on a mission of revenge culminating in a blood-bath. The nature of the revenge quest is what puts a sting in the film’s tail- or tale, if you’re feeling puntastic. You see, a lot of the bad guys exist in a constant hallucinatory haze after taking a drug that sent them mad after one dose. In order to fight on their level, Cage has to take a dose too. As a result, the world around him slowly but surely transforms into a nightmare landscape that looks like a cross between a D&D illustration and the cover of a heavy metal album and his grubby, personal mission of fury takes on the unmistakable resonance of a Conan-esque hero’s quest. By the end of the film, you have to wonder if Cage has actually slipped into some sort of alternate dimension or if he’s just lost his game-pieces completely. In places, it’s nearly as painful to watch as Landmine Goes Click (crikey, there’s one for the history buffs) but it looks and feels like Beyond the Black Rainbow. Worth your attention just because of how weird it is. I give it a solid four-out-five decapitated rapists.

2. Baby Driver Nothing about Baby Driver suggested it would be a good film: the way it was advertised as a car-chase movie trying to be cute; the stupid title; the fact that it came and went through cinemas like a fart in the night. Which is a shame, because it’s secretly brilliant. It’s a highly stylised crime film populated with the archest archetypes money can buy (to the point where some of the dialogue has a weirdly beat-poetic feel to it). It’s saturated colour palette and off-beat affect actually have something of a full-colour Jim Jarmusch flick about them. The hook, of course, is that the lead character (only ever referred to as Baby, because he’s got a punchably youthful face) has tinnitus and therefore has to listen to music constantly to drown at the buzzing in his head. The practical upshot of this is that a) every single scene is overlayed with surprisingly great and situationally appropriate music and b) he goes through life like he’s always dancing, so his way of moving lends to the film’s easy-going sense of flow. It also explains where his preternatural driving skills come from (I mean, not really, but within the context of the plot): he’s used to sliding effortlessly into patterns and rhythms because of the music thing. All of this could make a terrible film, of course, but execution is everything and, to everyone’s surprise, especially mine, this flick was executed with an astonishing level of panache. I rate it ten out of ten grizzly motor way pile ups.

3. Nightflyers It’s not just films that get overlooked as the tide of culture washes back and forth, like a great big sea of effluent. TV series also vanish unduly into the dustbin of history. Case in point, the criminally underappreciated Nighrflyers: Netflix pre-Another Life sci-fi offering that was actually good. It’s a pretty classic set-up: a group of mismatched wing-nuts on a spaceship, all of whom have secrets that that will threaten to tear them apart while they try to make contact with an alien life-form. What elevates Nightflyers is just how fuck-uped the cast are. There’s an angry British psychic whose spent his whole life in captivity in case he goes full Scanners on somebody’s head, a guy who only ever appears as a hologram for reasons too twisted to explain here, his evil mother whose uploaded her mind to the ship’s computer and gone batshit crazy, a genetic superbeing and a hacker who can send her mind into computers via a dodgy implant and who may or may not be drifting out of touch with the human condition. It’s great. 6 and half billion out of 7 billion monkeys, boiling in the void.

4. Hardcore Henry No, I don’t know who thought that title was a good idea either, but the point is that Hardcore Henry has no motherfucking right to kick as much arse as it does. It was clearly made on a budget that would embarrass a Youtube shampoo commercial, but it just flat-out rocks. Shot entirely in first-person, it follows the adventures of a mute cyborg as he seeks revenge against the bastard psychic entrepreneur who first built him then tried to kill him. Along the way, his main ally is a dude who keeps dying and coming back to life in a series of identical bodies but with radically different personalities and haircuts (this is eventually explained, but I’m not going to spoil it for you). It’s premise is demented, it’s surprisingly well-choreographed and its soundtrack is an aphrodisiac for your ears. Also, Tim Roth is in it, so that’s just yer seal of quality right there. It came out to a lot of fanfare and many, many cinema trailers back in the day and was then promptly forgotten about as soon as it launched. So I’m dragging it kicking and screaming back into the limelight. It’s on Netflix right now, so go watch it. I rate it a solid 11 out of 15 creepy duplicates of Tim Roth.

5. Upgrade Another lesser-known film about a cyborg. Unlike Henry, however, this cyborg’s life doesn’t so much ‘rock’ as ‘suck balls���. He gets crippled and then ends up with a sentient computer chip in his head that allows him to remote-control his own body despite not having a working spine anymore. Naturally, his experimental tech attracts the attention of some unsavoury characters and he and his brain-chip have to work together to figure out what’s going on, often through a series of ultra-violent, gory fight-scenes that horrify the protagonist himself. Of course, all might be well, except that the head-chip is a homicidal little shit that clearly has its own agenda. I give it at least 0000 0111 out of 0000 1001 painstakingly restored vintage kill-bots.

6. The Tick The Tick isn’t as overlooked as everything else on this list, especially since there have been a couple of previous televised incarnations of the franchise to lay the groundwork. However, I still feel like the modern iteration doesn’t quite get the love it deserves, so I’m throwing it out here. Following the adventures a mad, amnesiac and possibly stupid superhero and his neurotic sidekick, The Tick explores a world where superheroes aren’t the paragons of good from classic comics, the corrupt psychotics of The Boys or Watchmen, or the eternally struggling, walking moral life-lessons of modern cinema. Instead, they’re just ordinary people operating at various levels of competence/incompetence and mental illness and working within a bureaucratic, wildly inefficient framework. That might not sound like a recipe for a successful TV series, but it really is. Drawing out the mundane, human side of heroes and villains against the backdrop of cataclysmic, civilisation-threatening events makes for infinitely compelling and very, very funny viewing. It’s kind of doing for the superhero genre what Futurama did for sci-fi a few years back. It’s also where the phrase and/or popular song ‘seven billion monkeys boiling in the void’ comes from. My rating is four out of five sapient, homosexual boats (which will make sense when you watch it).

7. The Void Amid the high-budget horror extravaganzas of recent years, it’s easy to forget about the void, which feels like the best story H.P. Lovecraft never wrote and looks like David Chronenberg tried to adapt a Heironimous Bosch painting... in the ‘80s. The actual plot concerns a group of people getting trapped in a hospital by murderous cultists and discovering dark secrets and, arguably, a whole other dimension in its basement. You’re not exactly there for the plot though: The Void is a mood-piece and an exercise in visual FX craftsmanship. You’re there to drink in the atmosphere and see what each new cosmic horror looks like. I am delighted to award it ten out of ten unspeakable whisperers in the darkness. That’s enough for two barbershop quartets, an emcee and a supporting act.

8. Happy Death Day It’s Groundhog Day but as a horror film starring a really annoying lass in her late teens has to keep dying horribly until she learns to stop being such a terrible person... and also kill her murderer with a little help from her newly-minted, non-cunty friend. There’s a sequel that I haven’t seen yet, but the original is a low-key, oft-overlooked delight. I give it 9 out of 11 suspiciously similar corpses.

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 202: Rival Break and the 3rd Set

Previously on BnHA: Momo made a giant cannon and used it to fire a bag of emergency supplies over the onomatopoeia wall back to her pals. The bag contained some fungicide which Tokoyami and Hagakure doused themselves with to ward off Toadette’s horrific quirk. It also contained a pair of night vision goggles which Toko used to track down Toadette and Kuroiro. For a moment it looked like he had them both contained, but then Toadette sprouted some mushrooms in Toko’s fucking windpipe, cutting off his air supply and causing him to release them. Meanwhile Kendou showed up to rescue Manga from Hagakure’s flurry of invisible attacks. She’d managed to knock Momo out, but not before Momo sprouted a bunch of steel cables from her left side to tie Kendou up and attach herself to her while she herself was still attached to the giant cannon. So basically she slowed her way down, and tbh they would have had this if Hagakure and Tokoyami (and Aoyama, who got captured before any of them) hadn’t dropped the ball. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. But anyway, so the round went to B Team, and now the classes are tied and we’re about to move into the third round.

Today on BnHA: Since Momo and Kendou’s teams absolutely trashed the battlefield, Aizawa and Vlad announce a short break before the start of round 3. All Might takes Deku aside and asks him if things are all right with his quirk. Deku says he’s fine, only to be interrupted by Kacchan who’s all THE FUCK ARE Y’ALL DOING HAVING THIS WEIRD CONVERSATION SO CONSPICUOUSLY and he makes them fill him in. Kacchan’s response to the whole OFA situation is to basically egg Deku on to become stronger already, and it fucking works is the thing, so y’all know this one-page conversation is easily the most “!!!!” I’ve been about this series in fucking ages omg. But anyways, so then round 3 starts up with Team TetsuPonyHoneSen VS Team TodoIidaShoujiRo. Shouto briefly thinks back to when he was like six fucking years old and Endeavor was trying to teach him a new fire technique by being an abusive dick. Shockingly this method didn’t pan out, but Shouto’s been thinking about it again recently since watching his dad battle the Noumu at Fukuoka. Meanwhile Iida is hyped to win since he’s representing his brother as the successor to the Ingenium name. And Tetsu is also hyped because he’s always fucking hyped! So basically everyone is getting ready to do their best and this should be good!

(As always, all comments not marked with an ETA are my mostly-unspoiled reactions from my first readthrough of this chapter. I’m caught up with the manga now at chapter 223, so any ETAs will reflect that.)

oh wow Toadette is actually offering Tokoyami a throat lozenge like I was joking about earlier. haha. only the reason it was a joke on my part is because I thought it was fairly obvious that a fucking lozenge wasn’t exactly going to do much to help after you sprouted fucking mushrooms all along the inside of his goddamn windpipe! these kids are fucking savages I swear to god. they’re out for blood

anyways he’s still coughing and hacking and she’s telling him to go see Recovery Girl before this turns into one of those hanahaki fics

meanwhile Momo also appears to be ill after using her quirk as much as she did, and she’s shaking and doesn’t seem to be able to stand, so two sarcastic asshole robots are wheeling her off to RG as well

yeah I’m gonna need you two to shut up. were they specifically programmed to be douches? this is someone’s idea of a joke isn’t it

anyways I hope my girl Momo is gonna be okay. Kendou go with her please!

Shinsou’s all “wow everyone got really fucked up” and Aizawa’s just like “yeah that’s just how it goes with hero training” as though this is in any way acceptable lol. well I guess it’s been a little while since U.A. did anything outrageously irresponsible though, so maybe we can cut them some slack this time around. plus ultra?

(ETA: nope I take it back. within three chapters all four teachers will be idly standing by shrugging their shoulders and hoping none of the kids fucking burn to death by accident. lesson learned, never ever cut the U.A. faculty any slack whatsoever.)

btw I almost forgot to mention it but it’s super cute that Shinsou is hanging out next to Aizawa. they have clearly built up some kind of bond by this point, and as usual I’m delighted by any and all instances of Aizawa being a dad

looool

did I mention that Manga’s quirk is seriously unbelievably strong though?? is there an onomatopoeia for “All for One-destroying weapon” that I don’t know about that he could speak into existence perhaps? hmm?

also smh at these teachers being more concerned with the property damage than with the attempted murder. Tokoyami’s fine by the way. but sure let’s scold them for doing some mild damage to your industrial training site which you specifically created for this very purpose

so apparently they’re going to change the stage? or “move the stage” at any rate? does this mean they’re cleaning up the training ground, or are they moving to one of the other areas? I’m not quite clear here

but at any rate, Vlad says they’re going to take a short break which I’m all for because it means more chances for the kids to interact!

look at them interacting!!

so I’m just going to assume the two speech bubbles on the right are Kirishima and Tetsutetsu, yes?

also, Manga, I’m gonna need you to stop whining about how your ultra-powerful and crazy broken quirk gives you a sore throat. fuck outta here with that nonsense son. I assume the only reason no one gave OFA to you is because the series would already be over

Deku is happily taking notes on everyone’s growth while Ochako watches, and it’s super fucking cute. I am shipping this more these days now that she’s not losing her damn mind any time she thinks about him and he’s not on the verge of passing out whenever she gets within two feet of him

and now All Might’s coming to say hi to his apprentice!

are y’all gonna talk some more about the Avatar State. because if you are then I’m the one who’s gonna start taking notes omg

so he’s beckoning Deku over so they can have a quick private chat in the corner

Mina’s all “well aren’t they close~” and I know she’s just making a mild observation, but once again I’m reminded of how these two are just the absolute worst at hiding their secret. like for real though

so All Might’s asking Deku if anything has felt off since their last conversation

and Deku says “nothing in particular”, which is a bit of a curious answer since he could have just gone with a straight “no”

All Might says he’s planning to ask Gran whether or not Shimura ever mentioned anything. I doubt it though, otherwise you’d think he’d have brought it up before now. not everyone is as cagey as you when it comes to passing on vital information

anyways, he says for the time being Deku should take care since he’ll be facing off with Shinsou

and interestingly, he says Shinsou is a piece of the puzzle as far as the Vestiges/Traces are concerned

really? I mean it’s true that Deku first saw them during his initial fight with Shinsou, and now he just so happens to be fighting Shinsou again on the same day that he had that crazy dream. but is that not just a coincidence? how could Shinsou actually be involved with this?

OH MY GOD

(ETA: speaking of onomatopoeia, Kacchan has his very own complete with exclamation point lol. what happens if Manga uses this. do the letters explode)

KEEP KACCHAN IN THE LOOP 2K19!!!! OH MY GOD YES PLEASE THANK YOU MANGA GODS

holy shit I was wondering if he was gonna get annoyed since he could hardly fail to notice them sneaking off to chat while he was right fucking there

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

OH MY GOD YOU GUYSSSSSS

IT DID!!!! AND NOW THEY’RE FINALLY GONNA TELL HIM WHEEEEE

oh my god. Kacchan/Deku rivalry. it has been so fucking long you guys. it’s been 80 fucking chapters!!

things I love:

DON’T KEEP ANY MORE SECRETS FROM KACCHAN ABOUT ONE FOR ALL, HE OFFICIALLY GETS ANNOYED ABOUT IT. HE WANTS TO KNOW SO MAKE SURE YOU KEEP HIM POSTED

for reals though, he’s making sure they remember that he’s part of the OFA squad now. that wasn’t just a one-time thing, he wants to actively be involved. I don’t know if they actually realized this before, but now they’re aware so I hope Deku tells him the next time without having to be asked

also him yelling at them to be more fucking secretive for christ’s sake lol. RIGHT?

and him immediately getting competitive and reminding Deku of what his goals are. they always do this with each other, and it’s honestly so important. the shounen rival relationship is, at its core, one of constant growth. if done right, the two rivals will each be the one person who can always unfailingly push the other when they think they can’t go any further, and nudge the other back on track whenever they start to go astray. and that is so, so important, and it’s especially important for them to keep establishing this relationship now, when for once things are actually calm and there aren’t any villain plots or other angsty things going down for the time being. because this quiet period is not going to last. and there will come a time when Izuku will need this type of push again, when the fate of the world might even depend on it. they help each other to focus and they keep each other grounded, and this shit right here is why it’s my favorite relationship, and I can’t say enough good things about it

lastly, this is fairly subtle, but you can see that this is Katsuki’s way of reassuring him. like, he realized Izuku was... not unsettled, exactly, but certainly confused and still trying to figure out what the hell is going on. so he immediately sets onto distracting him. and I’ve gotten completely distracted by my own excited ramblings and I haven’t even finished the damn conversation yet, but I bet you anything that it worked, too. because that’s the power of rivals, dammit

yeppppp

I fucking love it you guys. every damn time. this is what keeps sucking me back in. this is why I’m reading. give me some good old fashioned shounen rivals showing their concern for one another in the most indirect way possible and it fucking works

PREACH IT ALL MIGHT!

NO, HE DEFINITELY IS. THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I’M SAYING. SEE, ALL MIGHT GETS IT

like, I don’t really have much more to add other than what I already said, lol. although I will say I’m fairly sure that not only is he not actually pissed off, but he’s actually relieved that Deku did smile, and it was the exact effect he was going for, which is why he called attention to it before immediately trying to play it off like h was mad

anyway, so that was everything to me you guys, but the show must go on, and we are now all set to begin round 3! and it looks like we will be staying in Ground Gamma and that they’ve just relocated to a different part of the stage, or something. idk

so Sen is the only guy in this round who we haven’t already met, although I don’t think we actually know Pony’s quirk. Honenuki’s quirk is of course the quicksand quirk of cavalry battle fame, and I’m looking forward to seeing that in action again

meanwhile they’re up against these legends!

once again I can’t for the life of me figure out how they can possibly screw this up. but we know they will somehow! guess they’ll just have to get creative

and now a quick flashback of Tokoyami, who you can tell is feeling better because he’s coming up to Todoroki and just rambling on and on for no real reason

no you don’t you boob. calm the fuck down man. go eat some ice cream and lie down

well what have we here

friendly reminder that I ship these two. by this point I think I ship Todoroki with almost as many people as Bakugou and I’m not quite sure how that happened. this boy is more social than I give him credit for

so now Shouto’s thinking back to his dad’s battle against High N’ Tight Noumu

and what’s this?

the prominence burn thing? or the flying thing? I personally think he ought to learn the flying thing first

and now some flashbacks to Endeavor being abusive

jesus christ. please tell me Shouto is smoking from his own quirk. please tell me you didn’t actually set your child on fire you utter trashpile of a man

and what the hell is with the shinai? because the fire wasn’t fucking enough??

props to Horikoshi though for showing this. it’s not pleasant to see, but the fact that he doesn’t shy away from it even after starting Endeavor’s redemption arc is really important. none of his past deeds have been erased. he’s not pretending it didn’t happen or that it’s okay now because things are finally starting to get better. it’s such a fucking mess, and I really, really appreciate that we’re being confronted with it even now and nothing is being swept under any proverbial rugs

correct me if I’m wrong, but I feel like this is pretty rare for redemption arcs, both in Eastern and Western media. usually once the former bad guy starts down the right path, the story stops addressing those past sins, presumably in the hope that audiences will eventually forget about them. but not only is Horikoshi not doing that, he’s actively showing us the bad shit again in vivid detail, the resulting effect being something like “hey, just in case you forgot...”

anyway, so here’s more confirmation that Todoroki Touya is in fact Dabi

just fucking confirm it already you cowards. it’s not like you’re trying to hide it; you purposely alluded to it so overtly at the end of the Endeavorhawks arc that no one could possibly fail to miss it. so I really don’t know why you’re playing games with it at this juncture. he must have some sort of plan here but idk

anyway, he says that Shouto is the one, and that he can pass this technique on to him and only him

I wonder if Touya accidentally immolated himself with a failed prominence burn. god I want to know what happened so bad uggghhhh

ahhhhhhh

they’re so cute omg

Ojiro says he had no idea anything was wrong because Todoroki’s expression “never really changes that much”, and he’s impressed Iida could tell

it’s because they’re lovers, Ojiro! but not really, but do you agree with me that they should be? because if not then I really don’t know why you’re wasting my time here tail boy

Iida’s all “but of course!” and says he’s the class president and is always there to lend a hand to a classmate in need. and sure. but also, lovers

AHHHHHH

SUDDEN TENSEI MENTION MY HEART WASN’T READYYYY

(ETA: his face is so cute here too oh my god. fucking adorable.)

so now he’s putting on his helmet, and he says he’s also representing Ingenium’s good name

is this in reference to what Tokoyami said earlier about him and Todo representing the #1 and #2 heroes? did your feelings get hurt bud lol

and he’s reminding everyone that he placed third in the sports festival, “so allow me to show you all!”

damn, somebody sure is fired up

you better watch it son, this enthused 40-year-old nerd is stealing your boyfriend before our very eyes

now we’re cutting to class B!

and Tetsutetsu is also all fired up!

no one thinks you’re dumb, Tetsu! just passionate!

lol but he is acknowledging that this is one of the less strategically balanced class B teams

but he has a plan to address that!

kick some ass!!

yessssssss

and stfu Sen. he has exactly one specialty so of course he’s gonna lean into it. nothing wrong with that

now I’m honestly starting to wonder how he would fare against Todoroki. he might be the only one who could actually stand up to the Prominence Burn attack if it turns out Shouto does have it

...or he might melt. but surely Shouto wouldn’t actually fire a potentially lethal blow during a training exercise... right?

(ETA: ...)

so now Vlad is grumbling about how THEY JUST SAID not to destroy the whole fucking stage, and here Tetsu is, destroying the stage

nice hero name! but it definitely is a misspelling! I’m sure it’ll be corrected at some point later on though

lol this group is something else

this is definitely my favorite class B team to date lol. and Honenuki’s personality is in such stark contrast to his somewhat terrifying appearance, who knew

also props to my boy Sen for having the appropriate reaction to being pitted against Todoroki freaking Shouto. though you could have had it worse, bud! it could have been Bakugou or Deku. at least you guys are somehow going to win which I still can’t get over

lol because it’s literally their only choice given the makeup of their team

well, bring it on!

[slothcritic]

Dragon Ball Z Abridged - Episode 9 Review

Consistently funny. The weak points do not drag this episode down.

The Set Up begins with a great cold open. Piccolo is drop-dead unconscious on the ground, Gohan is desperately trying to wake him up, and Krillin is anxiously awaiting for Goku to show up. After all, he’s their friend who would never let them down right? Meanwhile... Goku is busy eating at Jadoshin's palace. Even as a departure from the original series, I like the idea that the two of them made up and are friends now. Jadoshin, however, has to remind Goku about the Saiyans. Goku then runs out in a panic.

[Title Sequence]

Piccolo isn't getting up and Nappa needs a new toy. He chooses Gohan seemingly at random from the two remaining, and floors him in one kick.

"Wooo! Not me!"

When Krillin isn't being the resident Milhouse, he's the rimshot comedian. The joy doesn't last for much longer though, as Gohan stays down.

Nappa is about to tear Krillin a new one, when the bald monk suddenly screams out that it's his turn. And for some glorious reason, this actually works on Nappa. This is some straight up Looney Tunes, "Duck Season, Fire!" type tomfoolery.

Vegeta does not handle Nappa's stupidity very well, and in his anger does a fourth wall break where he references a timestamp in the video. This is kind of clever and a bit of a break from the other fourth wall jokes that they've done so far, but I feel like it could lose its charm if it's done more than once. As for the timestamp itself, which is at 9:18 in the video... we'll get to that later.

Krillin decides to use the Destructo-Kienzan, and Vegeta shouts a warning to Nappa that it's a trick.

"But Vegeta... tricks are for kids."

The tense background music just completely stops here, but you can still hear the vibrations of the kienzan in the background. Great sound design. The long pause afterwards is also well timed, and Vegeta takes up the "fuck it, you wanna die, then die." mentality with Nappa. This skit is succinct, well paced and well editied.

Nappa receives a deep cut to the face for his troubles, as it just nearly takes his head off. Nappa laments his modeling career, and the scene cuts to a photoshopped rendition of Nappa on Vogue magazine. The bald, beautiful Saiyan, and his 10 tips on being a better lover!

This might have been a joke before its time, or perhaps the intention was different while writing this in 2009, but Nappa shows us all what a "nice guy" he was trying to be during all of this, and now decides "okay, full ultra-violence it is!" and fades Krillin with a white sparkly angel dust attack. I'm sure it has an actual cool sounding name (Like "Galaxy Breaker" or something) but I'm going to keep calling it the white sparkly angel dust attack. The owned counter ticks up to 8 here, but it doesn't feel deserved.

Piccolo jumps up with an "I'm back" and shoots Nappa... in the back. He sees what you did there. Just as Piccolo and Nappa are about to throw down, Gohan appears out of nowhere and roundhouse kicks him through a boulder. More indication that Gohan has some incredible hidden power inside of him. This surprises Piccolo, and Gohan is initially apologetic, but Piccolo begs for him to stay angry before Nappa just as quickly hops back to his feet.

It turns out Gohan hit Nappa so hard that he turned Italian. Seems a little out of left field, but why not. The "I'm a firing my laser" reference is perhaps the most dated thing I've seen since Episode 1. Would this even count as a meme? Wasn't "Firin Mah Laser" something that came out before the word meme even became popular as a way of describing internet fads, jokes, templates and trends? Back when Demotivational Posters and I Can Haz Cheeseburger ruled the internet? Truthfully, I loved this joke when it came out, but now all it does is remind me of the proto-internet days. And part of me feels weird for being nostalgic about that, because I just know someone in their 30's is going to read this and roll their eyes saying "Oh God, I'm getting old", in much the same way I'll feel horrified when people start to become nostalgic for Fortnite in the next 10 or 20 years.

Back to the episode, Piccolo's sacrifice happens right about here, and the scene does a good job of pointing out a plot contrivance in the source material. Piccolo could have just grabbed Gohan and moved out of the way. Though the scene plays up the amount of time Piccolo had to work with, there was still nothing stopping him from just grabbing him and chucking him like a bag of potatoes out of the way, even in the original. However, if Piccolo doesn't die, there's no real reason to go to Namek. What I think might be a more practical reason is that, this is a turning point for Piccolo as a character where he starts thinking emotionally. It's no real secret across both the canon and the abridged material that Piccolo is actually a pretty decent parent. So this right here is the idea of Piccolo more or less abandoning rational thought and considered only protecting Gohan. That contrasts a little with the ruthless, methodical, cunning, intelligent character he's been shown to be, just to throw that all away to save him, but the contrivance definitely becomes less egregious when you consider these factors.

However you want to address it, then end result is that Piccolo sacrifices himself to protect Gohan. In the original this is capped off with Piccolo comparing Gohan to his son, which is what Gohan begins to explain before Piccolo calls him a nerd. In this series however, Piccolo laments one final time:

"Why... didn't you... DODGE!!!"

Bleh. And with Piccolo's death, Kami is soon to follow. He explains the Namekian Dragon Balls to Mr Popo, and the long (very long) journey that must be undertook in order to revive everyone, but Mr Popo outright refuses and simply reminds Kami of the pecking order. Kami dies, and thus the Dragon Balls become inert.

Back at the battlefield, Vegeta was busy reading an issue of that very same Vogue magazine with Nappa on the cover and thus didn't see him kill Piccolo, like a mother three sangria's deep at her kid's soccer practice.

I've never much cared for Gohan's exasperated expletives in this or any scene in DBZA. This one in particular doesn't sit well with me simply because they went to the effort of being purposefully verbose but then still chose to use the word "condom" over "contraceptive" - A condom is made of latex, whereas a contraceptive is any kind of device at all that prevents pregnancy. As an example, some of the first contraceptives in history were made from linen and animal intestines, while the condom itself wasn't invented until 1855. Gohan specifically saying he's going to use Nappa's intestines as a condom serves the same purpose either way, but “contraceptive” would’ve been more technically accurate, in a bit of dialogue that is purposefully trying to be technically accurate. I wouldn't be picking on the semantics so much if that weren't the express purpose of this entire scene. Also it has more syllables and therefore sounds more smarterer.

Nappa gives this scene the backhand and the "bitch please" it deserves and we're done with that.

"Everyone important to you is dead." "Hey I'm still alive--" "EVERYONE important." "...Damn it."

See, this is where the Krillin Owned count should have gone up.

After Nappa doesn't smash, Goku appears on the battlefield. His reaction to showing up too late and everyone being dead is uncharacteristically deadpan, and it's hilarious. He asks where Chiaotzu is, and Krillin gives him the Achmed the Dead Terrorist explanation. Over there, over there, and up there. I'm not actually sure if this episode predates Jeff Dunham or not, but I enjoy both, both used the same joke at least once, and both make me laugh so I'm drawing the comparison anyways.

Goku asks why everyone is dead and Nappa immediately and without hesitation calls dibs. This leads into one of most famous and iconic scenes, if only for meme reasons, in all of DBZ.

"Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his power level?" "It's... 1006." "Wha-- Really?" "Yeah. Kick his ass, Nappa!"

Not gonna lie, this genuinely made me burst into laughter the first time I saw it. I don't know if it was just shock value or what, but it doesn't have the same effect now that I know it's coming every time I rewatch this episode. I just love the idea of the scouter being upside-down and Vegeta not questioning it. An even better headcanon is that the scouter was never upside-down, Vegeta was just getting tired of Nappa's bullshit and just decided to send him into an ass-kicking anyways.

We're treated to a solid 15 seconds of Nappa getting completely curbstomped while the various characters look on in shock and awe, until Nappa gets dumped at Vegeta's feet.

It's also here that Vegeta finally learns that Piccolo's life is directly intertwined with the Dragon Balls. I believe this was already established in the original series, but no such conversation ever occurred here. Vegeta has quite simply lost his chance at immortality and it’s all because of Nappa.

I actually wonder how an immortal Saiyan would work. They receive a Zenkai boost, which makes them stronger when they almost die, but if you can't ever die, you can't ever “almost” die either, so you wouldn't get the Zenkai boost and your power wouldn't increase that way. Then again, most expectations of logic or consistency within Dragon Ball are pretty much always doomed.

Speaking of doomed, remember that timestamp at 9:18 that Vegeta referenced earlier? Because Vegeta certainly does, and with both the camel’s and Nappa's back having officially been broken, Nappa is sent to the shadow realm in a blinding flash of light and a massive explosion.

Vegeta's smirk is all we needed to close out this episode. There is no stinger.

Conclusion

Really good episode, actually. I wouldn't consider it as strong as Episode 7, but it definitely holds the same energy throughout. There are more high quality comedic moments in this episode than I could count on both hands. At worst some of the dialogue was uninteresting, pointless or overproduced, but the average pace of this episode rests rather highly compared to its valleys.

Microphone quality and sound mixing on some pieces of dialogue is still meh. Krillin's first line in this episode peaks the audio or something similar, because it takes me out for a hot second just because it's so sudden and emphatic.

We also see a slight evolution in the dynamic between Vegeta and Nappa which keeps things fresh. This is becoming less of a deadpan snarker and over the top clown, treads more into the ticking time bomb territory which is great for slowly building tension, and not unjustly as it has a satisfying payoff.

Plot holes in the original are addressed and lampooned here, creative jokes such as the Vogue Nappa and “1006″ are present and accounted for, and on the whole there's a lot of very on the mark humor, and only some of it is overdone. The story for this episode also holds significant weight and momentum, and it all blends together quite well with an above-average script and some great visual and audio edits.

Score: 77

Passing Thoughts

"Riiiiiicola!" - Oh hey, it's this again.

"Oh and I totally killed that guy. Oh well, at least we still had fun getting here, right Vegeta? Vegeta? Remember the bug planet? Vegeta? Vegeta? Vegeta? Vegeta? Vegeta? Vegeta? Vege-- AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!"

[b1uecandlehomestuck]

Speaking of that tier list, I made a tier list, a personal ranking of the Homestuck characters. Nothing definitive or objective. Feel free to comment on it, or send me your own tier lists for me to judge.

I’m gonna put the rest below a “read more” just because, after writing it, I’m realizing it’s insanely long so I’m not gonna dump this monster of a text post without a nice little cut-off point. I encourage you to read more, but you don’t have to.

I’ll start from the bottom and go up.

For starters, I think the bottom tier is pretty much objective and inarguable.

F. This tier is reserved for characters I consider to be failures. Personally, I feel like HIC is just not a very satisfying “main antagonist” for the trolls; I don’t specifically mean that she didn’t fullfil her role well, like other characters in this tier; it’s a good base for alternians to have a tyrannical ruler who was responsible for throwing their society into the fucked up mess it is. However, as for HIC herself, she feels very lacking. She’s greedy and merciless. That’s it. She’s merciless because she’s greedy. That’s about the extent of her depth. The same goes for Meenah, they’re basically the same characters. She had some potential to grow with (Vriska), however, the fact that she simply decides to abandon (Vriska), while it does serve to show how HIC is inherently merciless, damns her to F-tier. I’ll admit that I may have a negative bias to the troll-sprites, but they always felt like an insult to the people who were upset at the deaths of the trolls. The ones that aren’t effectively silent no longer represent their own characters, and just feel like a suppliment to the character they’re fused to; Erisol is a little funny, but is otherwise inneffectual. Fefeta seems like an intentional insult to the people upset by both Nepeta and Feferi’s deaths to just have her permanently mute for no reason. Davepeta never really felt too much like Nepeta, just a continuation of Davesprite’s story. ARquius, again, just felt like AR with some of Equius’ quirks. Corrupt Jane and Corrupt Jade have no personalities and basically took away any character from the two characters who needed character development more than ANY of the humans. They have a few cool moments, but are ultimately fail to be proper characters. I forget Dancestor Eridan’s name. I’m not crazy about the Dancestors, I don’t think many people are, but he’s one of the most noteless. Eridan... I will admit, maybe I shouldn’t put him as low as he is. He’s not really a failure in terms of his literary goal; Eridan is a very good antagonist. He’s an angsty, alternian-equivalent neo-nazi ultra-angsty teen, and he sits in that role absolutely perfectly. On the other hand, as someone who loves Feferi as much as I do, it’s hard not to loathe him. I know, it’s a very biased reason to dislike him, and I mean no disrespect to those who do, but I would be remissed if I didn’t put him at the bottom. He really isn’t as bad as his placement would imply, I just have a personal vendetta. Jake. He’s just Jake. Literally the only reason he exists is to fulfill the need to have Jade’s guardian be one of the Alpha kids. Beyond that, he’s basically just a robot who says old-timey words and we’re told is very attractive. Dancestor Gamzee is down here for the same reason as Dancestor Eridan. Noteless, and related to a character I hate. Biased? Yes. But this isn’t an objective list.

E. This is for characters who annoy me personally, more or less. Except for Tavrosprite. Tavrosprite is here because he’s a troll-sprite; however, he’s consistently funny, and is mostly used very sparingly. Also, Tavros gets more of a major role later on, so maybe it leaves less of a sting. I also really like Tavrisprite. They’re probably the best sprite. They get a really cool theme and are a funny joke character. I didn’t give a shit about Dirk until the Epilogue. It says a lot when the Epilogue manages to make a character more interesting considering the Epilogue is the worst part of the comic. That being said, it takes him from “awkward angsty teen” to “evil omnipotent god-character”, so it’s not really much of an improvement. Most of the time, when Dirk comes up, it sends a signal to my head saying “oh god, here comes a long, drawn out, over-complicated spiel about ultimate selves and bullshit like that”. Sollux had his moments early on; he was a much better character early on, but quickly became a weird, kinda depressing character? I dunno. In hindsight, maybe he should be in E. I think I just dislike him because he’s with Aradia and Feferi and I think they deserve better but that’s a dumb way to think so whatever. Give him like an E+. Jadesprite. She cries a lot. There are some funny moments but ultimately, not crazy about her. She has none of the parts of Jade I liked and didn’t exactly serve to improve Jade in any way. Lord English... too complicated. Why’s he got so many origins? I dunno. Caliborn added much more to him, but I’m gonna separate “Caliborn” and “Lord English” into two characters. On his own, Lord English is just kinda nothing. A big spooky boogeyman. Vriska. That’s right, THE Vriska. My thoughts on Vriska are extremely complicated. There are hints at something more under the surface, but I feel like there was too long of a stint of her being a straight-up Mary Sue who kills everyone and is super cool and is never punished. I’ll talk about this more when we get to (Vriska). Moving on.

D. These are characters who have done nothing for me, or are otherwise just a step below “neutral”. Dirkbot is kinda the only entertaining thing to Dirk as a character. Dirk is basically the “host” to the real star of the show in terms of Dirk’s characterization, Dirkbot. Lemme get some bonus shout-outs to Sawtooth and Squarewave. I really like And It Don’t Stop, a comic Hussie made long ago, which is what they were based on. I feel like if Dirk kept that aesthetic more, I’d like him more as a character. Calliope... An interesting concept, I really like some concepts in relation to her, but as has been discussed, I feel like Hussie and the writers like to frame her as being perfect and they sort of refuse to dig deeper into what could make for a very interesting character. Dualscar looks cool but otherwise doesn’t do much for me. I REALLY like the Ancestors besides HIC, so instead of being plopped down to F like the Dancestors, the “nothing” Ancestors get put in D. Grandpa Harley is just kinda around, much like Jake. Horrus... is kinda interesting. Kinda cute. I like him. And he’s related to a troll I really like, so he gets a boost. Rufio is a joke character, but he’s a decent joke character, so he gets in D. Mindfang and the Summoner are here for the same reason as Dualscar. Mom Lalonde has EXTREMELY limited relevance, but her short time is decent. Now that I’m thinking about it, she doesn’t really deserve a D. Maybe a C-. I’m gonna be really honest, Porrim gets to be in D because she’s pretty. That’s about all the reasoning there is.

C. This is my “neutral” point. Everyone here is the middle ground. (Vriska) is the Vriska we see getting abandoned by Meenah in Act 6. She’s the Vriska who’s grown as a character, and experienced deep resentment for how awful she was, and then faced how horrible she was first-hand. I’m gonna be honest; I love (Vriska). Unfortunately, Hussie, being the horrid subhuman that he is, decides that after putting (Vriska) through the worst, and then getting abandoned by the only flushed interest she’s ever really had, we would never see her again. (Vriska) deserves to be in A, but Hussie cut her down to a C. Aranea is interesting; aside from having an involved and reasonable part of the plot, she’s a very enjoyable character. Lord knows I can relate to somebody with a very special interest who adores to just ramble and ramble and ramble paragraph after paragraph about them, just like what I’m doing at this very moment. Good dog. Best friend. Lil’ Cal is a joke character who becomes a surprisingly pivotal character in what seems like a stupid way at first, but eventually makes genuine sense. An interesting character to think about. If you can even really call him a character? Damara... well, I think she’s pretty. Also her dialogue is funny after you translate it. So she gets a +1 on Porrim. Davesprite is funny. Dave’s funny, so a second Dave is also funny. He’s no all-star, but he’s alright, yeah. The Desciple is cute and a good relation to Nepeta. The Grand Highblood is extremely intimidating. I think he’s a really cool design for an intimidating, horrible warlord. That’s all. John... is interesting. Funny and dopey, but as far as character development goes he really starts to slow down and become... kinda... weird. I’m not really sure how I feel about him, ultimately. So, C. I really liked Jane, but then they turned her into a mindless bad guy with a tiara, and then they turned her into a mindless bad guy because capitalism. I like Rosesprite. I think I like her considerably more than Davesprite, give her a C+. She’s definitely the best of the sprites; she represents Rose well, but also twists her personality in a new and interesting way by making her very peppy and really playing with that silly side of Rose that’s so rare. Kankri... I’ll admit it, I think he’s kinda cute. He’s fussy. Whiny, sure, but I dunno. Meulin is extremely cute, but her actual writing irks me. Not because it’s bad, it’s just... you know. Doc Scratch was a fun antagonist for the time we had him. Certainly a lot more fun than any of the other antagonists (sans one), even if a lot of his writing hinged on being all-knowing. Karkat and Sollux’s ancestors served good story roles so they get C. Obviously we don’t really know anything about their personalities, but they give you some stuff to think about.

Oh god this is way too long, I’m too tired to finish this shit. You can ask me about the rest of you’re curious, g’night.

[eponymous-rose]

Talks Machina Highlights - Critical Role C2E12 (Apr 3, 2018)

Happy 60th episode, Talks Machina! Take that, only-12-episodes-of-Critical-Role! (NB: Brian made the same joke like five minutes into the episode. I don’t know what this says about me.)

Tonight’s guests are Pillow Matt Mercer, Matt Mercer, and Marisha Ray!

Announcements: the first five episodes of Key Question are available on Alpha, Dani Carr’s Critical Recap will be on Thursdays before the show, C2E12′s podcast will be available this Thursday (”How neat!”), Wednesday Club will be on tomorrow, Critical Role will be attending C2E2 in Chicago on April 7-8.

Matt names all the episodes (he now comes up with a name right after the episode, which may or may not match his working title for the session) and Dani writes the descriptions (for early episodes, it was Taliesin).

@critrolestats for this episode:

Sam held his pose for 12 minutes and 12 seconds. Travis’ thumbs-up moment in C1E61 was 7 minutes and 51 seconds.

Episode 12 had the first point of damage dealt by Frumpkin.

This was the first time this campaign we’ve had a friendly KO.

There were 21 bird calls made in this episode.

This campaign has now passed 1,000 d20 rolls. 1,052 total!

This campaign has also now passed 50 natural 20s. 55 total!

Joe Manganiello pops up on FaceTime, calling from the very fancy Gary Gygax Memorial DM Chair. As one does. There’s a brief discussion about amazing minis and casting him as Wolverine. Brian: “Dude, can you believe... that guy’s a nerd.”

Had Beau been involved in the infirmary debacle, Marisha suspects she’d be a lot less nice than Fjord.

If the team hadn’t picked up Ulog, he would’ve tried to infiltrate the High Richter’s house by himself partway through, and possibly could’ve ended up in an altercation with the party. There was also the chance of developing a rift with the Knights of Requital if things had gone badly in a different way.

Beau can step up to a leadership role when the group’s goals are in jeopardy, but it’s still generally rooted in selfish reasons.

Was the Rug of Smothering revenge for the magic carpet-related antics in the first campaign? Matt: “In hindsight, subconsciously, maybe?”

There was another chamber with some extra information they could’ve acquired, there were some challenges they avoided, but Matt doesn’t want to get into specifics in case the party decides to go back at some point.

Gif of the week: a valiant struggle against a flying foe.

Matt briefly considered having the Metagaming Pigeon make an appearance to drop a hint about mage hand, but decided it was more fun to bring it up after the fact.

If Fjord and Caleb had been actively in combat when she arrived, the High Richter would’ve turned around and brought in the guards instead of coming in alone. Many of the group could’ve wound up being arrested.

Matt is enjoying being able to space out the intense moments and give people a chance to explore their characters, especially after the constant intensity of high-level D&D at the end of the last campaign.

Everyone is delighted at the second username of the night that ends with a “69″.

Marisha suspects that Beau and Fjord might have similar morality beats, although Fjord’s better at holding his cards close to his chest.

Ulog’s item was a Necklace of Fireballs with only one use left. His final fatal attack was a last-ditch secondary plan in case things went south.

Marisha points out that Beau doesn’t know yet that Ulog’s dead.

Fanart of the week: a glimpse at the events at the end of the episode.

Matt placed the scroll purposely as an invitation for character drama: “I put it there knowing it was going to cause a ruckus... but I didn’t think it was going to cause that much of a ruckus.” Marisha: “Fuckin’ reality show director here.”

Marisha’s reaction to the ending was: “Wow, that escalated quickly!” Beau’s still in shock over all this, and right now her only thought is, “Run.”

Matt is a little defensive over people pointing out how many towers he’s brought down between the two campaigns (there’s a great back-and-forth where he points out that one of them was the party’s fault, but Marisha insists that they were inspired by a previous tower falling, and I’m really dodging spoilers here so let’s get out of this parenthetical). Marisha gets into how a tower is generally a symbol of power and established order.

Marisha points out that the whole party is trying to keep in mind that they’re just level 3 and they’re not established heroes, so they can’t run towards the problem the way VM could. Brian points out that VM was also already at will-die-for-each-other levels of loyalty at their big crisis point, whereas MN are still begrudging allies for the most part.

Matt, on the players now knowing to look for plot clues in smut: “I am so excited for them to be hoarding all the smut and have none of it inform anything for the rest of the campaign.” Later: “Please... please don’t keep doing that.” He loves the idea of some ultra-powerful future-seer in-universe hiding all this stuff in smut.

Matt is continually surprised at the weird parallels between the campaigns that keep creeping in here and there, like the intra-party conflict right before the big upheaval.

Marisha tries to RP her combat and find in-universe reasons to do new things. She’s looking forward to having the Cobalt Soul abilities really start to kick in. Matt points out that the Cobalt Soul abilities are situationally useful.

Asked about Lord Sutan being from the same family that lost the Plate of the Dawnmartyr in a game of cards last campaign, Matt says: “...maybe.”

Matt put in a few red flags for Ulog to see if the party would pick up on just how desperate he was (like giving away his life’s savings to the party).

There was an alternate plan out there for the party to learn about the Crick (that they can still avail themselves of), but the smut plot was made up on the spot as a tease of information.

Who does Beau trust the most in the Mighty Nein? Marisha: “Probably Jester, believe it or not. Jester’s the most open book thus far.” Brian asks to what extent she trusts what Jester says. “Beau thinks that Jester believes what she believes, and that’s enough for Beau. She sees her as being 100% forthright.”

Matt is enjoying being able to bring in these lower-level enemies he didn’t get a chance to use in the last campaign.

Dark Times at Talks Machina High on Alpha:

Pillow Matt is the true power behind the throne and gets his own splitscreen.

Matt had a plan in mind if the party had opted to turn in the Knights of Requital. They would’ve received a reward, gotten in good with the Crownsguard and the High Richter, and probably would’ve been invited to the Gala. It was possible that they could’ve taken plot hooks that took them further from the tower, and they may have only heard about the events of that night the next day.

Marisha feels like, compared to the other team, she and Jester did “pretty fuckin’ okay” at casing their building, and they even managed to retain their dignity.

Of everybody, Matt most fears the notion of Jester getting her hands on a Deck of Many Things.

Matt’s priority as a DM is always to keep his players excited and engaged. He finds D&D to be a great exercise in renewing friendships and relationships. Marisha has really come to appreciate the problem-solving aspects of the game.

Matt’s moving mouth has been superimposed on Pillow Matt. “What have you done.”

Information about VM is not common knowledge in the Empire, especially since Wildemount either wasn’t directly involved in or didn’t really believe a lot of the threats they faced. It would be a history roll for the current characters to learn more about them.

Matt does an alarmingly good Keyleth impression when Brian points out that Marisha’s perfect attendance means Matt’s never had to play her character.

Marisha recommends getting Dwarven Forge by running a D&D game at your work as a corporate team-building exercise. Some talk of tax fraud gets bandied around. It’s fine.

[kirain]

Top Ten Favourite Anime Games

For this list, I will only be including games that are specifically considered part of the anime genre, NOT games that were created by Japan Studio or other Japanese companies/creators. So games like shadow of the colossus,  Bloodborne, Metal Gear, Resident Evil, etc., won’t be mentioned. While it is arguable that such games could fit the anime genre, it’s never been clarified. So here’s a list of my top 10 anime games.

1. Gravity Rush

There’s no real order for this list EXCEPT for Gravity Rush. It is easily my number one favourite pick. I bought it for next to nothing thinking it would be a cute little experience, but it ended up gripping my interest for four days straight; which is rare for me. While at work, all I could think about was getting back to it, and it’s one of the few games with trophies that didn’t annoy me. Seriously-- not one trophy pissed me off. In every game there’s at least two or three that really grind my gears, but Gravity Rush had nada.

There are several challenges in the game that are tough but fair, and they never become boring because they’re designed in such a way that the more you play them, the better you get. You begin to learn the controls, the landscape, the shortcuts, etc., which makes for some excellent gameplay. At no point in the game do you feel like a failure, which is nice once in a while. On top of that the story is fun, the characters are lovable, and the art is breathtaking. During each new chapter, we’re given information in the form of a hand-drawn manga, which only adds to the uniqueness. The language in the game is also made up, so anyone can relate to it. And the music? Oh, don’t even get me started:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BxIC6Vu1ee0&t=43s

And just when I thought it couldn’t get any better, they went ahead and created a sequel, Gravity Rush 2! It’s pretty rare, in my opinion anyway, that video games have sequels that measure up to their predecessor, but Gravity Rush 2 might be even better! It lets us revisit old friends, make new friends, explore more areas, it gives us grater challenges and a newly implemented difficulty setting, and additional online adventures that have nothing to do with achievements! What really hits me about these games, though, is the freedom. You get to fly wherever you want, anytime you want, at ridiculous speeds. The world is vast, beautiful, and so fun to navigate.

After playing and falling in love with these games, I can only assume they’re called “Gravity Rush” because they’re an absolute rush to play.

2. Devil May Cry

Specifically the first game, Devil May Cry will always have a special place in my heart. I played the game a lot when I was in grade school and kept replaying it well into my high school years. All the way up until my PS2 broke. :’)

Now, I do know that this game was created by Capcom and that it was supposed to be related to the Resident Evil franchise, but director Hideki Kamiya openly stated that the game is an anime-style hack and slash action-adventure game, and even gave the anime T.V. show, Devil May Cry: The Animated Series by Shin Itagaki, his professional seal of approval.

That said, Devil May Cry is addictive with its brutal but charming character Dante, and its dark and twisted plot/gameplay. If you’re into cool characters, blood and guts, and kick-ass combat, this is the game for you!

3. Catherine

Another nostalgic game for me, Catherine was something I played constantly when I was in high school. The animation is enticing, the story is a giant mind f*ck, and the English voice acting is stupendous. Like many story-related anime games, it has multiple endings, as well as a karma metre that wraps into your choices. The story revolves around a man named Vincent  Brooks, who is beset by supernatural nightmares while torn between his feelings for longtime girlfriend Katherine and the similarly-named beauty Catherine.

While the game is mostly a platformer, the challenges are unreal, especially in Babel (an extra area not related to the story) and the arcade game, Rapunzel. If you want your brain to turn to mush, I’d suggest setting this baby to the hardest difficulty. Naturally there’s a trophy for beating everything with a gold time, so if you get that you’ll be able to gloat to all your friends about how smart you are. XD

Jokes aside, though, there are other aspects to the game that keep you going. You won’t get bored of the platforming because between each level is the story, given to us in two distinct anime styles, and a trip to the bar, where you can get drunk and interact with other characters. Depending on the dialogue you choose, you could be responsible for their dreams coming true ... or their untimely death. A remake of the game will be coming out for PS4 next year and I can’t wait to play it!

4. No More Heroes

No More Heroes is another action-adventure hack and slash video game that follows a man named Travis Touchdown ... who is a hardcore otaku. Literally all he cares about is killing and anime, which makes for a hilarious story. Travis is also a top-class assassin in a world where assassins constantly compete. Think John Wick: The Anime. This game is full of comedy and combat, as well as cool characters, crude challenges, and a cuddly kitty cat. I played this game religiously when I was in high school, and enjoyed it even up to it’s weird mind f*ck of an ending. The only downside being that it’s only available on Wii, which made for an interesting and unique experience, but a sad realisation that it will never be available for any other platform.

5. Trauma Center: Second Opinion

Just like No More Heroes, Trauma Center: Second Opinion is only available on Wii; but that in no way affected my love for it. Second Opinion is the second game in a long line of Trauma Centers, but for some reason it’s the only one I enjoy. Perhaps it’s because playing it on the Wii gave it a sense of realism. The game is a surgery simulator, and like an actual surgeon, you have to concentrate and keep your hands steady to succeed. If you move too quickly or throw yourself off balance, the patient will die. The art and music are also incredible and, believe it or not, there’s actually a pretty interesting story that goes along with each chapter. As you work your way to more advanced operations, you really take a liking to the characters and feel a strong sense of duty to your patients. To anyone who owns a Wii, this is definitely a game I’d recommend.

6. Chibi-Robo!

Chibi-Robo! This game takes me back! I spent hours upon hours playing this game, and I still would today if my copy hadn’t been stolen. This little treat is only available on the Wii and GameCube, and was created by Nintendo. It’s one of the most adorable platform-adventure games I’ve ever played to date. The Wiki explains the plot perfectly, so I’ll just post it here:

“Chibi-Robo! takes place in a 1960s-style American home and revolves around a tiny, highly advanced robot of the same name. He is given as a birthday gift to a socially withdrawn eight-year-old named Jenny Sanderson by her father. This is much to the dismay of Jenny's mother, a homemaker who is constantly stressed over how much money her husband spends on toys despite his unemployment.”

For a game that seems so basic, there are a plethora of areas to explore and they are huge. Ironically so, I’m sure, but it makes for some amazing gameplay nonetheless. As you wander, you help other creatures around the house, including the family, solve their problems and complete challenging and often comedic tasks; such as flipping burgers, cleaning up puddles, and-- you know-- helping the egg general save his fellow egg soldiers from the household dog. Yeah, stuff like that. XD

Honestly, it’s super fun and I recommend it to anyone, no matter what their age. It’s clearly geared towards children, but I can’t think of a single reason why an adult wouldn’t enjoy it just as much. It’s relaxing, freeing, and puts a genuine smile on your face. :)

7. Pokemon X and Y

Okay, I know I probably shouldn’t add Pokemon to this list, but I can’t help it! I’ve always loved the Pokemon games, but they just get better and better every time! Pokemon X and Y quickly became favourites of mine, and they consumed my life for a good two months as I captured every single Pokemon, bred the perfect IVs, and worked my ass off to get every shiny I desired. On top of that, I loved the story and, for once, how my character design turned out. What’s more, I fell absolutely in love with the Looker side quest, which is possibly the best and most emotional side quest I’ve ever played in a Pokemon game. X and Y will always be special to me, because in was with these two games that I caught ‘em all!

8. Pokemon Sun and Moon

Visually, Pokemon Sun and Moon are the best of the Pokemon games, in my opinion. They were also the first to really shake things up and give fans new and improved methods of breeding, capture, travel, communication, and more. We were also introduced to a new type of pokemon called “ultra beasts”, along with a fun and alluring story with several new characters and legendaries. Throughout the game, I found myself laughing hard at some of the experiences, and I spent countless hours capturing, trading, breeding, spoiling, and loving all of the new pokemon the games had to offer. I even transferred my pokemon from X and Y over so I could give them the same love and affection. ^_^

I have to thank @cassafra5 and @george-nordington, because they’re the ones who bought me this masterpiece! Thanks, guys! <3

9. .hack//OUTBREAK

This is a game that will always be near and dear to my heart. Back before guides were widely available, I was playing a game called .Hack//OUTBREAK. It came out in 2002, when I was only 12 years old. Back then, my dad was still alive. He never really understood my taste in anime, but he wanted to try and relate, so he bought this game for me on a whim. Little did he know I knew absolutely nothing about the .Hack series, and little did either of us know that OUTBREAK was actually the third part to two other .Hack games. Still, I didn’t want to hurt his feelings, so I played the game-- and I fell in love.

Visually, OUTBREAK was one of the best games I owned on PS2, and although parts of the story were difficult to follow, I was hooked. I dedicated entire days to this game, and because there weren’t any guides, I had to write down every code and location so I wouldn’t get lost/forget them. Today, I still have pages folded safely in the case. The amount of exploration and character interaction opened me up to a whole new genre of video games. In fact, it basically introduced me to anime-style games. I could actually buy gifts for my friends and build relationships. That seems common now, but back then it wasn’t for a typical PS2 game.

Unfortunately, tragedy struck when the save cartridge was accidentally kicked by my brother and all of my data was lost. I wasn’t too concerned, since I figured I could just replay the game and get everything back ... but the disk was also severely, irreparably scratched. It no longer plays. As such, it is now merely a keepsake from my father. I miss you, dad.

But 16 years later and my sister and I are still quoting this game! XD @alannahkiwi https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0I-7hwgwqa4

10. Persona 5

I only recently started playing Persona 5, but it’s quickly made its way to my top ten. I can’t say too much about it just yet, aside from the fact that the animation is crisp, the story is gripping, and I’m ready to sink hours of my life into platinuming this gorgeous feet of human achievement! So much heart and sole was poured into this game and it shows with every in-game step I take. This is the only game on this list that I haven’t yet finished, but I have a sense that I don’t really need to. Thus far, every mission has been a gem and I don’t want the party to end!

[enchantedxrose]

Creating Believable Romance: Things Writers Can Learn from Beauty and the Beast (1991)

It always makes me laugh when Hollywood has these two hour films made for adults in which I feel like I know nothing about the cardboard romantic leads or why they even care about each other, when Disney’s little ninety minute family movie manages to develop much more believable chemistry. 

So how did they do it? What can writers learn from this movie about how to create a believable romance in their own stories?

I’m mostly going to focus on the animated film because A) it did this story first, and B) it has such a short run time and yet takes advantage of every moment to create a well-paced, well-developed relationship between the titles characters. (There is one thing that the live action movie added that I will touch on eventually, though.)

1) Establish your romantic leads as characters first, with distinct personalities. It helps if they have clear goals and interests.

This might seem obvious, but so many mainstream romance movies and stories have bland characters. 

On the other hand, before Belle and the Beast ever meet, we the audience have a strong sense of who they are as individuals and are interested to see what happens to them. The Beast is a tragic figure, dramatic, sullen, insecure, selfish, but still sympathetic in his shame and self-loathing. We see that there is the possibility for character growth in him. Belle gets a whole damn musical number developing her character: she’s sweet and kind, but also a bit of an oddity in her town, sort of scatterbrained like her inventor father, a prolific reader in a time when it was weird for peasant women to be well read. Most of all, she is lonely and yearns “to have someone understand.”

So basically, the audience can see some possible trajectories for their character arcs. Each of them lack something that the other could provide: not only could Belle be the one to break the spell, she could inject some brightness and humor into the Beast’s melancholy life; the Beast could be the sympathetic, understanding companion that Belle needs. They could find some common ground together in their feelings of being an outcast from society.

The audience can see all this. But the characters, at first, do not. Which brings me to my next point.

2) Don’t just jump from Point A to Point B; let us see how their relationship changes.

Ah, yes, it’s the classic Pride and Prejudice romance trope, where the romantic leads dislike each other when they first meet. It was a pretty popular formula in the 90s. I’m not saying it should be used in every romance plot (it would get pretty boring after a while), but there’s a reason it became so popular.

Here’s the main reason why it works particularly well in Beauty and the Beast: they have good reasons not to get along well at first (not based on contrived misunderstandings), and they have good reasons to eventually change their minds about each other. The Beast imprisoned her father and she bargained away her freedom--I’d say that’s a valid enough reason to dislike someone--but it’s ultimately his childish, unkind behavior toward her that makes her avoid him. 

On the other hand, the Beast seems to think Belle is being stubborn and contrary out of spite and resents her for it. And he makes assumptions right off the bat about her attitude toward him (“she’ll never see me as anything but a monster”--blaming his appearance when really it’s his behavior she doesn’t like).

I think Disney learned from Snow White and Sleeping Beauty that it’s more interesting to let your audience see characters’ attitudes evolve toward each other, instead of jumping right into the infatuation stage. (And I’m not throwing shade on those movies, I just think Disney started telling more complex stories by the Renaissance, at least as far as princess movies are concerned.) 

Besides, with this fairy tale, it doesn’t make sense for Belle and the Beast to fall in love at first sight. 

The big “ice breaking” moment between Belle and the Beast is their conversation after he rescues her from the wolves. It’s arguably the most important scene in the film. In just a bit of dialogue, it accomplishes the following: 

A) assures the audience that Belle is not going to tolerate being treated poorly

B) shows that she is no longer afraid of the Beast

C) opens the Beast’s eyes to his own flaws in such a way that he can’t deny or escape them

 D) establishes some grudging mutual respect between Belle and the Beast, maybe even a tentatively friendly relationship.

Even before we see the rest of the movie, we can tell this is going to be a turning point of some kind. But there’s a few more things this movie has to show us before we can believe Belle’s confession and the magical transformation...

3) Let us see them have fun together.

People love fluffy romantic montages when done right. “Something There” juxtaposes the innocent fun they’re having (feeding the birds, the snowball fight) with their conflicted internal monologues about their changing feelings. 

Fun and humor are important ways for people to get more comfortable around each other and see their good qualities. Which is why I’m always surprised (and disappointed) when so many romantic plots are dour and ultra-serious. A bunch of mumbling dialogue and brooding about fate and *yawn.* It makes me want to say, lighten up, you guys. If your relationship is bringing you no joy at all, why are you even together??

4) Let us see them do normal, mundane things together.

Again, people love domestic fluff. Why? It gives us a glimpse into the character’s everyday lives together. Their entire life isn’t going to be comprised of dramatic confessions of love, so let us see them living comfortably side by side. Sometimes seemingly boring situations can still teach us something about the characters, even as simple as having breakfast together.

Look at them learning to compromise, even with the little things! 

5) Most importantly, answer the question “why do they like each other?”

Joke all you want about Belle falling in love because he gave her a library, it was a thoughtful gift that showed he was supportive of her interests--something she had never encountered from her judgmental village. Belle and the Beast find acceptance and solace in each other, and are able to comfortably be themselves when they’re together.

The film also (sort of) spells out what qualities they specifically like about each other. Belle begins to fall when she realizes “there’s something sweet, and almost kind” about the Beast. The Beast admits he has feelings for her shortly after their argument, whereas he had previously been dismissive of her (“she’s so beautiful and I’m...well look at me”). This leads me to infer that it’s her bravery and resilience that he comes to admire, that makes him see her differently.

6) Make them share something personal together to establish trust and emotional intimacy.

This is something the live action movie added that I felt actually served a good purpose in the story: the Beast helps Belle find some closure about her mother’s death. It shows that he cares about her emotional state. In turn she allows herself to be vulnerable in front of him, sharing some very personal thoughts and even crying a little, which shows the audience that she trusts him.

7) Now it’s time for some romantic gesture(s).

All these points above lay the foundation so that the ballroom scene can sweep us off our feet. By the time the Beast lets Belle go, we can already see they love each other. It’s just a matter of admitting it.

So there you have it. In my opinion, these seven things are what make this fictional relationship believable despite the film’s short run time. They’re relatively simple ways to make a romance in a story work, which I think writers (myself included) could benefit from considering.

[garden-ghoul]

I can’t believe it’s not the Shibboleth of Fëanor

“starting early out of fear that another farcical thing will prevent me from reading the shibboleth”

Chris’ notes on the shibboleth begin by saying that he has left out a huge number of phonology notes, which I sort of resent although I wouldn’t have read them anyway. Look Chris, if someone has made it here they’re probably enough of a linguistics nerd that they could get SOMETHING out of those. Don’t be a wimp.

Wait, did the exiled Noldor all speak Sindarin while they were in Beleriand? Like all of them? Maybe this shibboleth essay will clarify what the difference actually is between Quenya and Sindarin--I was under the impression that the latter was a language specifically invented and spoken by the green elves in Ossiriand, although I don’t know whether I ever had a reason for thinking that. “In any case, it is impossible to believe that any of the Noldor ever became unfamiliar with the sound þ,” Tolkien assures us. He then goes on to imply that this is ONLY because the Vanyar and Teleri still remembered what þ was. 

Anyway, let’s look at how it went down. Feanor was one of the chief linguistic loremasters (!) at the time. This guy is such an obnoxious polymath. He really does have a tiny hammer for the metaphors. Tolkien mentions that his mom Miriel has Very Good Enunciation and is also ridiculously good at embroidery. I’m not sure whether that second one will be relevant, but she is very adamant on continuing to use þ rather than s because that’s how it was when she was a kid. And she makes her whole family use þ too, at the very least when pronouncing her name (Þerinde, or needlewoman)

Feanor loved his mother dearly, though except in obstinacy their characters were widely different.

Ugh. I’m 100% sold on Feanor and Miriel now. This is the cutest shit. I also want to register how glad I am that elves have milk names. I’m wondering what culture Tolkien got that from, because he only really seemed to be into Germanic and Celtic cultures and I haven’t heard anything about that there? omg here’s an even better quote about them:

While she lived she did much with gentle counsel to soften and restrain Feanor. Her death was a lasting grief to him, and both directly and by its further consequences a main cause of his later disastrous influence on the history of the Noldor.

Word of the author says if Miriel had been around Feanor wouldn’t have done so much stupid shit. Should have! thought about what his mom would say! instead of killing hundreds of people at Alqualonde huh!!

Miriel cites the birth of Feanor as the cause of the weariness that made her want to be dead. She assures him that it’s because he’s just too great, but that’s still got to hurt. Having your mom publicly acknowledge that she invented death because she was so tired of you she wanted to die. Holy fuck!

The Valar are ultra dismayed by this, because they keep asking her when she’ll come back to her body and she keeps going “leave me alone!!” and Not Actually Wanting To Be Alive is the one and only disease they can’t heal! Also Finwe is depressed now. The Valar panic. While Finwe is just walking all over Aman because he’s too depressed to stay in one place he walks into Indis, a local(ish) Vanya, and realizes she has had a crush on him for centuries. The process of deciding that they want to get married is handwaved in 5 words, and they go ask the Valar if it’s actually okay. The Valar think leaving Finwe to mourn forever is cruel and letting him get married again is illegal. Y’all. who made the laws. Who made them? Was it you, Manwe?

Since this has nothing whatsoever to do with linguistics anyway I’m going to interject my own thing about the Athrabeth. Andreth made the point that if the fea and hroa aren’t united by love, the body is like a chain. Obviously Miriel’s fea and hroa are not united, and she perceives her son as a chain of duty keeping her on Arda! She has the depression, just like every human, but everyone is super confused by this because depression was supposed to be invented for humans a long time from now. That is--the Eldar were not supposed to be able to “get tired of things.” This is addressed by Andreth’s “grown-up children” comment; elf psychology is fundamentally different from human psychology. What this means is that Miriel invented being mentally ill, I guess. “Just try yoga!” everyone told her, but she insisted on staying dead. Truly a hero of our time.

While I was sidetracked, the Valar made a ruling that Miriel can never ever return to her body now, even if she gets un-depressed. This is another one of those bewildering Catholic things, I guess, where it seems more just to condemn someone to death than to allow a divorce. Or like, their godly DNA was just written too Catholic for them to be able to understand the concept. Anyway Feanor blames Indis for taking his mother away Forever, even though he should really be blaming Manwe, and instantiates a Grudge against her and her children.

Into the strife and confusion of loyalties in that time this seemingly trivial matter, the change of þ to s, was caught up to its embitterment, and to lasting detriment to the Quenya tongue. Had peace been maintained there can be no doubt that the advice of Feanor, with which all the other loremasters privately or openly agreed, would have prevailed. But an opinion in which he was certainly right was rejected because of the follies and evil deeds into which he was later led. He made it a personal matter: he and his sons adhered to þ, and they demanded that all those who were sincere in their support should do the same. Therefore those who resented his arrogance, and still more those whose support later turned to hatred, rejected his shibboleth.

This is really funny to me? Like he was such an asshole that everyone started using s just to spite him. Even Indis of the Vanyar (a þ people if there ever was one) started using s!! It’s like she was trying to aggravate him! No, actually, literally all the Noldor were using s at this point, and Indis just wanted Finwe to like her. When in Rome, et c. Feanor not only thought this was a personal slight toward his mother, he also thought it was a PLOT of the Valar, inspired by ‘fear of his powers’ to ‘oust him from leadership of the Noldor.’ Holy fuck, man, I don’t even know what to do with you. Nobody would care if you didn’t make such a big deal out of it. This is some curse of the Uchiha bullshit right here, he’s just making up reaþons to be mad bc of Loþt Love.

So Feanor tells all his kids that they are better than everyone elþe because they use þ. Now I have to wonder about Nerdanel and how that courtship went. Preþumably he told her she had to þtart uþing hiþ shibboleth or elþe they couldn’t get married.

Oh, look! A bit about Galadriel! She is considered the greatest of the Noldor, which is pretty great, and also understandable considering she is the only one who didn’t get herself killed for a stupid reason. She is the tallest person, like, ever and “a match for both the loremasters and the athletes of the Eldar.” Also her hair was so messy that the light of Telperion and Laurelin got caught in it, unfortunate. Feanor was so astonished by the idea of being able to catch the light of the Trees that he kept bothering her for “a tress” (isn’t that like, a lot of hair?). No sorry he must have asked for a treþþ.

From her earliest years she had a marvellous gift of insight into the minds of others, but judged them with mercy and understanding, and she withheld her goodwill from none save only Feanor.

She ended up following Feanor to Beleriand primarily so she could thwart him at every turn, I love her. She is also too proud to ever renounce her exile and return to Valinor... for like seven thousand years. By the end of the Third Age she was wise enough, finally, to go back. We jump back to when she was just a baby to note that even though her father Finarfin used þ since he hung out with the Teleri all the time and she was therefore raised in a þ household, Galadriel hated Feanor so much that she used s anyway.

After this there are some notes on  names! Answers a question that always made me roll my eyes, “why does everyone’s names sound the same??” Elda kids were given a father name at birth that sounded like their dad’s name, and later were given a mother name that described their character because all moms are prophets. What the fuck. They might also get an after name that describes some characteristic or accomplishment, as well as potentially a self name if they just want something cooler (stares at Turin).

The 'true names' remained the first two, but in later song and history any of the four might become the name generally used and recognized. The true names were not however forgotten by the scribes and loremasters or the poets, and they might often be introduced without comment. To this difficulty - as it proved to those who in later days tried to use and adapt Elvish traditions of the First Age as a background to the legends of their own heroes of that time and their descendants - was added the alteration of the Quenya names of the Noldor, after their settlement in Beleriand and adoption of the Sindarin tongue.

I know this difficulty well, as a guy who has read some fanfiction. Introduced  without comment indeed.

We ALSO get an answer to the Finwe/Olwe/Ingwe/Elwe question! That suffix derives from ewe, meaning person. So they were Hair Person, ??? Person, Top/Chief Person, and Star person. Except no those are just speculations, and probably the Eldar didn’t all have to have “meaningful” names, which I like. aaahahahaha also the reason they came up with Sindarin names for everyone is because they were Sensitive To Aesthetics and felt really weird saying a Quenya name when speaking Sindarin. Elves!!

It turns out we’ve been using Feanor’s Sindarin name this whole time! Partially Sindarinized. Whatever. Now I understand about Feanaro I guess. On to his half-siblings: Findis was just a portmanteau baby, UNFORTUNATE. It also turns out the Finwe just straight up named EVERY SINGLE ONE OF HIS SONS FINWE. And later added something when it became clear what they were good at; Feanor got kuru- (craft?), Fingolfin got nolo- (wisdom), and Finarfin got ara- (nobility, bc he was nice). The reason Feanor’s name sounds different from his half-siblings is that he Sindarinized his mother name and they their father names. Like of course he only wanted to be known by his mother name. THAT GUY.

No sorry I got this wrong, this is awful; Finwe (father name) Nolofinwe (mother name) --> Fin Golfin --> Fingolfin in Sindarin.

Fingolfin had prefixed the name Finwe to Nolofinwe before the Exiles reached Middle-earth. This was in pursuance of his claim to be the chieftain of all the Noldor after the death of Finwe, and so enraged Feanor that it was no doubt one of the reasons for his treachery in abandoning Fingolfin and stealing away with all the ships.

SCREAMS. THIS IS SO DUMB. FEANOR NEVER STOPS GETTING MAD ABOUT HOW PEOPLE PRONOUNCE WORDS. Finarfin only prefixed his name after his brother’s death meant that he was supposed to be the next king, so I guess there was a long period where you had Fingolfin and Arfin. All Fingolfin’s sons got -kano suffixes, meaning ‘minor commander,’ transliterated into Sindarin as -gon. And HERE we find the information that Fingon “wore his long dark hair in great plaits braided with gold.” And I feel Triumph, because I have discovered a valid origin for another fandom Thing I kind of thought was totally arbitrary. SO much is made by this fandom of one-sentence throwaways, but I guess that’s what you have to do when nine out of ten sentences are about linguistics.

There’s some stuff about Arafinwean names I don’t care about too much, except for Aegnor--this was his mother name, Aikanaro, meaning ‘fell fire.’ Partially because he had Fire In His Eyes (indicating he loved to fight) and also his hair was stiff and stood up on his head like fire. Holy shit I love this he has gone up the to-draw list by like 5 places.

Ooh and it says Turgon reestablished Quenya as Gondolin’s lingua franca, that’s just so Turgon. 

Lastly (I hope) let’s take a look at some Curufinwean names. Recorded largely for my own future reference because I’m assuming the two people reading this already know. [Maedhros] Nelyafinwe (’the third Finwe’ since his father and grandfather were also named Finwe) Maitimo (’hottie’) Russandol (’copper-top’ for his red hair; grandpa Mahtan had the nickname ‘fox’). also notes that he wore a copper circlet. [Maglor] Kanafinwe (’strong-voiced Finwe’) Makalaure (’a metaphor about harps’) [Celegorm] Turkafinwe (’no one’s neck’s as incredibly thick as Finwe’) Tyelkormo/Tyelko (’hasty’) Curufin is just Kurufinwe, his dad’s own name bc he’s the favorite child and also pretty good at crafting I guess. Mother name is Atarinke (’little father,’ because his only characteristic is how much he is just like Feanor) [Caranthir] Morifinwe (’dark Finwe’ because he has black hair) Carnistir (’aww he’s blushing’) (don’t you mean Carniþtir?) [Amras] Pityafinwe (’little Finwe’ awww) Ambarussa (indicating that he and his twin also have red hair, which I am enormously smug about predicting, still) [Amrod] Telufinwe (’last Finwe’; when Feanor said NO MORE KIDS)  Ambarto

So basically they all used their mother names except Curufin. Veeeery interesting.

The story is that Nerdanel named the twins BOTH the name Ambarussa and when Feanor begged her to at least give them different names (’look! I made minimum effort! you do it too!’) she said “I will change one of their names to Ambarto, by lottery.” Later she prophecies that one of them will not set foot on Middle Earth and he... names the dead twin with her extra name when he gets burned alive with the ships. Also of significance here, I think, is that Curufin is the one he recruited to help him burn the ships, because he only trusts himself. Fucked up.

[pedrowells24-blog]

The Dark Tower's Really Dumb Plan For A Cinematic Universe

The long-awaited big-screen adaption of Stephen King's epic The Dark Tower series is coming out this week, and I couldn't be more confused. It's important that you understand that I'm not shitting on the trailer. I think it's ultra cool, and it makes me want to go out and get into a futuristic cowboy fight. I'm just having a really hard time making sense of well, just watch the trailer so that you can be confused too:

So a cowboy who can load his gun very well and his child sidekick who presumably cannot have to stop Matthew McConaughey from something something the Dark Tower? It all seems like a bunch of words pulled out of a cowboy hat were turned into a trailer, with no one ever realizing they had to make a whole movie. It doesn't do a great job of actually getting across the movie it's selling - and what it's selling is an epic tale about the tragedy of modern Hollywood's over-reliance on preexisting franchises with enormous expanded universes that can be mined endlessly for material.

The weirdness of The Dark Tower begins with the fact that it isn't an adaptation of any of the books in the series it's based on. It's a sequel to the books. Eight books, to be more precise. See, The Dark Tower is an epic fantasy-horror series, published between 1982 and 2002, that tells a mythical and philosophical tale that somehow manages to be the connective tissue between over a dozen of author Stephen King's non-Dark Tower books, while never straying from ultimately being all about I don't know what because I've never read the books, and that's the problem here.

I've written about how difficult it must be for a newcomer to get into the Marvel Cinematic Universe at this point, and I'm kind of afraid that this movie is going to have the same problem. Massive franchises that sprawl countless movies are a chore, but it's ultimately the film industry getting onboard with the longform storytelling that comic books, novel series, and TV shows have been doing for years. Of all the properties in Hollywood trying to pull it off, Marvel's the only one that's found any kind of consistent success - or hell, any kind of groove whatsoever. Most other shared universes feel like a blind stumble toward cinematic relevance, but somehow, Marvel hasn't yet drowned in a pool of its own ambition. And a big reason for that is something I wasn't even aware of until The Dark Tower put it into perspective: Marvel movies have no connection to Marvel comics.

The source material is a jumping-off point, nothing more than decades' worth of inspiration that the movies parse at their convenience, like they're squeezing fruit for ripeness at the grocery store. Even the Netflix and ABC shows aren't too dependent on the events of the films to dictate their storylines. What the producers of The Dark Tower movie are trying to do is sneakily create a more ambitious and much crazier version of what Marvel has been meticulously plotting for over a decade. The Dark Tower is kind of, sort of taking the Marvel a la carte approach, but it also wants to be a direct sequel to its source material. If you want to unlock the full story, you have to read the 4,250 book pages that came before it - even more if you want to understand all of the books' references to other King works that he tossed in there like bread crumbs in a lake shaped like his face.

At this point, I'm not sure whether The Dark Tower is a movie or a shitty smartphone game that hides most of its content behind microtransactions.

I have no doubt that the producers thought about all this before going into production. There will probably be a few wink-and-nod moments alluding to the massive literary dinner that this hors d'oeuvre of a movie is indebted to. It might even ultimately be a half-decent idea to try to sneak a huge series of movies into theaters stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat. It's what Marvel did with Iron Man. It's a hell of a lot more subtle than the previous plan of a Dark Tower trilogy with two seasons of a TV show that would've bridged the gaps between each movie. That plan was trying too hard to retain the series' original form. The Dark Tower we're getting now goes the other way by not wanting to fully acknowledge what it is, which brings us back to Marvel. Specifically, Stan Lee.

Every comic book is someone's first is a Lee quote and ethic that ran through every issue he oversaw during his time as Marvel's editor in chief. Most of the time, it led to the first couple of pages of every issue sounding like the summary your friend would have to give you when you got back from taking a dump in the middle of a movie. At its most clunky, it was Spider-Man pausing his adventure to think about some dull thing he said to Aunt May last week. However, when elegantly executed, anyone could understand everything from the get-go without requiring a two-hour lecture on all the complicated relationships that spawned from the intermingling adventures of the characters.

The Dark Tower is flipping off that ethos while launching audiences headfirst into a mountain of dense, complicated narrative without a helmet like a drunken carnival worker. Even if it's difficult for an MCU newbie to get up to speed, at least Marvel has a cultural omnipresence that infuses people with a rudimentary understanding of the major players involved. Robert Downey Jr's face has been plastered on the side of enough Burger King soda cups that, even if you've never seen an Iron Man movie, you get the gist of what the dude's about.

I don't doubt that as an individual film, The Dark Tower might be good ol' summer blockbuster fun. It's all the baggage of Hollywood's goofy fetish for franchises that it's dragging behind it that makes it such a perplexing circus, especially considering the most absurd fact of all: The movie's only 95 minutes long.

An eight-book series that spawned a canonical video game and a prequel comic series is now all acting as a prequel to the movie, which means the prequel comics are a prequel-prequel to the movie. And if the movie's a hit, they want to make more movies and a TV show that's a prequel to all of those movies. And the movie that's supposed to contain all this madness is shorter than Air Bud.

I guess what I'm really saying is, it all seems excessive for a movie that looks like it's a really expensive gun trick video.

Luis shot himself in the foot performing Gunslinger reload moves at home without adult supervision. In the meantime, you can find him on Twitter, Tumblr, and Facebook.

For more, check out 6 Personal Secrets Filmmakers Hid In Their Most Famous Film and 6 Deleted Scenes That Prove the Book Isn't Always Better.

Subscribe to our YouTube channel, and check out good movies gone bad in 5 Famous Movies That Don't Mean What You Think, and watch other videos you won't see on the site!

Also follow our new Pictofacts Facebook page! See anything green?

Read more: http://www.cracked.com/blog/the-dark-towers-really-dumb-plan-cinematic-universe/

[gaylemccoy972-blog]

The Dark Tower's Really Dumb Plan For A Cinematic Universe

The long-awaited big-screen adaption of Stephen King's epic The Dark Tower series is coming out this week, and I couldn't be more confused. It's important that you understand that I'm not shitting on the trailer. I think it's ultra cool, and it makes me want to go out and get into a futuristic cowboy fight. I'm just having a really hard time making sense of well, just watch the trailer so that you can be confused too:

So a cowboy who can load his gun very well and his child sidekick who presumably cannot have to stop Matthew McConaughey from something something the Dark Tower? It all seems like a bunch of words pulled out of a cowboy hat were turned into a trailer, with no one ever realizing they had to make a whole movie. It doesn't do a great job of actually getting across the movie it's selling - and what it's selling is an epic tale about the tragedy of modern Hollywood's over-reliance on preexisting franchises with enormous expanded universes that can be mined endlessly for material.

The weirdness of The Dark Tower begins with the fact that it isn't an adaptation of any of the books in the series it's based on. It's a sequel to the books. Eight books, to be more precise. See, The Dark Tower is an epic fantasy-horror series, published between 1982 and 2002, that tells a mythical and philosophical tale that somehow manages to be the connective tissue between over a dozen of author Stephen King's non-Dark Tower books, while never straying from ultimately being all about I don't know what because I've never read the books, and that's the problem here.

I've written about how difficult it must be for a newcomer to get into the Marvel Cinematic Universe at this point, and I'm kind of afraid that this movie is going to have the same problem. Massive franchises that sprawl countless movies are a chore, but it's ultimately the film industry getting onboard with the longform storytelling that comic books, novel series, and TV shows have been doing for years. Of all the properties in Hollywood trying to pull it off, Marvel's the only one that's found any kind of consistent success - or hell, any kind of groove whatsoever. Most other shared universes feel like a blind stumble toward cinematic relevance, but somehow, Marvel hasn't yet drowned in a pool of its own ambition. And a big reason for that is something I wasn't even aware of until The Dark Tower put it into perspective: Marvel movies have no connection to Marvel comics.

The source material is a jumping-off point, nothing more than decades' worth of inspiration that the movies parse at their convenience, like they're squeezing fruit for ripeness at the grocery store. Even the Netflix and ABC shows aren't too dependent on the events of the films to dictate their storylines. What the producers of The Dark Tower movie are trying to do is sneakily create a more ambitious and much crazier version of what Marvel has been meticulously plotting for over a decade. The Dark Tower is kind of, sort of taking the Marvel a la carte approach, but it also wants to be a direct sequel to its source material. If you want to unlock the full story, you have to read the 4,250 book pages that came before it - even more if you want to understand all of the books' references to other King works that he tossed in there like bread crumbs in a lake shaped like his face.

At this point, I'm not sure whether The Dark Tower is a movie or a shitty smartphone game that hides most of its content behind microtransactions.

I have no doubt that the producers thought about all this before going into production. There will probably be a few wink-and-nod moments alluding to the massive literary dinner that this hors d'oeuvre of a movie is indebted to. It might even ultimately be a half-decent idea to try to sneak a huge series of movies into theaters stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat. It's what Marvel did with Iron Man. It's a hell of a lot more subtle than the previous plan of a Dark Tower trilogy with two seasons of a TV show that would've bridged the gaps between each movie. That plan was trying too hard to retain the series' original form. The Dark Tower we're getting now goes the other way by not wanting to fully acknowledge what it is, which brings us back to Marvel. Specifically, Stan Lee.

Every comic book is someone's first is a Lee quote and ethic that ran through every issue he oversaw during his time as Marvel's editor in chief. Most of the time, it led to the first couple of pages of every issue sounding like the summary your friend would have to give you when you got back from taking a dump in the middle of a movie. At its most clunky, it was Spider-Man pausing his adventure to think about some dull thing he said to Aunt May last week. However, when elegantly executed, anyone could understand everything from the get-go without requiring a two-hour lecture on all the complicated relationships that spawned from the intermingling adventures of the characters.

The Dark Tower is flipping off that ethos while launching audiences headfirst into a mountain of dense, complicated narrative without a helmet like a drunken carnival worker. Even if it's difficult for an MCU newbie to get up to speed, at least Marvel has a cultural omnipresence that infuses people with a rudimentary understanding of the major players involved. Robert Downey Jr's face has been plastered on the side of enough Burger King soda cups that, even if you've never seen an Iron Man movie, you get the gist of what the dude's about.

I don't doubt that as an individual film, The Dark Tower might be good ol' summer blockbuster fun. It's all the baggage of Hollywood's goofy fetish for franchises that it's dragging behind it that makes it such a perplexing circus, especially considering the most absurd fact of all: The movie's only 95 minutes long.

An eight-book series that spawned a canonical video game and a prequel comic series is now all acting as a prequel to the movie, which means the prequel comics are a prequel-prequel to the movie. And if the movie's a hit, they want to make more movies and a TV show that's a prequel to all of those movies. And the movie that's supposed to contain all this madness is shorter than Air Bud.

I guess what I'm really saying is, it all seems excessive for a movie that looks like it's a really expensive gun trick video.

Luis shot himself in the foot performing Gunslinger reload moves at home without adult supervision. In the meantime, you can find him on Twitter, Tumblr, and Facebook.

For more, check out 6 Personal Secrets Filmmakers Hid In Their Most Famous Film and 6 Deleted Scenes That Prove the Book Isn't Always Better.

Subscribe to our YouTube channel, and check out good movies gone bad in 5 Famous Movies That Don't Mean What You Think, and watch other videos you won't see on the site!

Also follow our new Pictofacts Facebook page! See anything green?

Read more: http://www.cracked.com/blog/the-dark-towers-really-dumb-plan-cinematic-universe/

[bradporter65-blog]

The Dark Tower's Really Dumb Plan For A Cinematic Universe

The long-awaited big-screen adaption of Stephen King's epic The Dark Tower series is coming out this week, and I couldn't be more confused. It's important that you understand that I'm not shitting on the trailer. I think it's ultra cool, and it makes me want to go out and get into a futuristic cowboy fight. I'm just having a really hard time making sense of well, just watch the trailer so that you can be confused too:

So a cowboy who can load his gun very well and his child sidekick who presumably cannot have to stop Matthew McConaughey from something something the Dark Tower? It all seems like a bunch of words pulled out of a cowboy hat were turned into a trailer, with no one ever realizing they had to make a whole movie. It doesn't do a great job of actually getting across the movie it's selling - and what it's selling is an epic tale about the tragedy of modern Hollywood's over-reliance on preexisting franchises with enormous expanded universes that can be mined endlessly for material.

The weirdness of The Dark Tower begins with the fact that it isn't an adaptation of any of the books in the series it's based on. It's a sequel to the books. Eight books, to be more precise. See, The Dark Tower is an epic fantasy-horror series, published between 1982 and 2002, that tells a mythical and philosophical tale that somehow manages to be the connective tissue between over a dozen of author Stephen King's non-Dark Tower books, while never straying from ultimately being all about I don't know what because I've never read the books, and that's the problem here.

I've written about how difficult it must be for a newcomer to get into the Marvel Cinematic Universe at this point, and I'm kind of afraid that this movie is going to have the same problem. Massive franchises that sprawl countless movies are a chore, but it's ultimately the film industry getting onboard with the longform storytelling that comic books, novel series, and TV shows have been doing for years. Of all the properties in Hollywood trying to pull it off, Marvel's the only one that's found any kind of consistent success - or hell, any kind of groove whatsoever. Most other shared universes feel like a blind stumble toward cinematic relevance, but somehow, Marvel hasn't yet drowned in a pool of its own ambition. And a big reason for that is something I wasn't even aware of until The Dark Tower put it into perspective: Marvel movies have no connection to Marvel comics.

The source material is a jumping-off point, nothing more than decades' worth of inspiration that the movies parse at their convenience, like they're squeezing fruit for ripeness at the grocery store. Even the Netflix and ABC shows aren't too dependent on the events of the films to dictate their storylines. What the producers of The Dark Tower movie are trying to do is sneakily create a more ambitious and much crazier version of what Marvel has been meticulously plotting for over a decade. The Dark Tower is kind of, sort of taking the Marvel a la carte approach, but it also wants to be a direct sequel to its source material. If you want to unlock the full story, you have to read the 4,250 book pages that came before it - even more if you want to understand all of the books' references to other King works that he tossed in there like bread crumbs in a lake shaped like his face.

At this point, I'm not sure whether The Dark Tower is a movie or a shitty smartphone game that hides most of its content behind microtransactions.

I have no doubt that the producers thought about all this before going into production. There will probably be a few wink-and-nod moments alluding to the massive literary dinner that this hors d'oeuvre of a movie is indebted to. It might even ultimately be a half-decent idea to try to sneak a huge series of movies into theaters stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat. It's what Marvel did with Iron Man. It's a hell of a lot more subtle than the previous plan of a Dark Tower trilogy with two seasons of a TV show that would've bridged the gaps between each movie. That plan was trying too hard to retain the series' original form. The Dark Tower we're getting now goes the other way by not wanting to fully acknowledge what it is, which brings us back to Marvel. Specifically, Stan Lee.

Every comic book is someone's first is a Lee quote and ethic that ran through every issue he oversaw during his time as Marvel's editor in chief. Most of the time, it led to the first couple of pages of every issue sounding like the summary your friend would have to give you when you got back from taking a dump in the middle of a movie. At its most clunky, it was Spider-Man pausing his adventure to think about some dull thing he said to Aunt May last week. However, when elegantly executed, anyone could understand everything from the get-go without requiring a two-hour lecture on all the complicated relationships that spawned from the intermingling adventures of the characters.

The Dark Tower is flipping off that ethos while launching audiences headfirst into a mountain of dense, complicated narrative without a helmet like a drunken carnival worker. Even if it's difficult for an MCU newbie to get up to speed, at least Marvel has a cultural omnipresence that infuses people with a rudimentary understanding of the major players involved. Robert Downey Jr's face has been plastered on the side of enough Burger King soda cups that, even if you've never seen an Iron Man movie, you get the gist of what the dude's about.

I don't doubt that as an individual film, The Dark Tower might be good ol' summer blockbuster fun. It's all the baggage of Hollywood's goofy fetish for franchises that it's dragging behind it that makes it such a perplexing circus, especially considering the most absurd fact of all: The movie's only 95 minutes long.

An eight-book series that spawned a canonical video game and a prequel comic series is now all acting as a prequel to the movie, which means the prequel comics are a prequel-prequel to the movie. And if the movie's a hit, they want to make more movies and a TV show that's a prequel to all of those movies. And the movie that's supposed to contain all this madness is shorter than Air Bud.

I guess what I'm really saying is, it all seems excessive for a movie that looks like it's a really expensive gun trick video.

Luis shot himself in the foot performing Gunslinger reload moves at home without adult supervision. In the meantime, you can find him on Twitter, Tumblr, and Facebook.

For more, check out 6 Personal Secrets Filmmakers Hid In Their Most Famous Film and 6 Deleted Scenes That Prove the Book Isn't Always Better.

Subscribe to our YouTube channel, and check out good movies gone bad in 5 Famous Movies That Don't Mean What You Think, and watch other videos you won't see on the site!

Also follow our new Pictofacts Facebook page! See anything green?

Read more: http://www.cracked.com/blog/the-dark-towers-really-dumb-plan-cinematic-universe/

[courage-a-word-of-justice]

Princess Principal 1 | Youkai Apato 2 | 7O3X 2 | Mahoujin Guru Guru 1 | Classroom of the Elite 1 | Saiyuki Reload Blast 2

Princess Principal 1

Welp, it’s a war plot, which normally fares badly with me, but it looks like female anime James Bond, which normally goes down well with me because I loved the Alex Rider and Young Bond series growing up.

Wah? It-It’s English!

Wa-hey! Kajiura. That probably explains the English song (because wasn’t he on Re:Creators too?). Update: No, Re:Creators has Hiroyuki Sawano.

Sometimes this is England, sometimes this is Germany. It’s strange exactly how well the German and English parts go together.

Black Lizard? Like Edogawa Rampo’s phantom thief?

That metal object called Cavorite…it reminds me of Shaun Tan’s The Lost Thing. Haven’t read it, but I love the style of it.

*shakes head* Only in anime would you have ninjas in steampunk London.

Oh gosh, lil bun girl’s voice is whiny and my ep keeps freezing for some reason that isn’t buffering but otherwise I’m impressed. It’s solid in most ways, and the music is perfect for it! It might be just the thing I need to brighten up my season alongside Katsugeki.

Amy Anderson is an English name so I don’t take much issue with it, but it just sounds a lil’ cliché.

There’s CGI in this, but it’s hard to spot because it’s disguised so well.

Who the heck is Kimble? Update: They explain who he is later…

The last man that gets his butt kicked by the ninja girl…LOL.

This ED is English, too...but what the heck is a “dancy conspiracy”?

Youkai Apato 2

I noticed Yushi used haikei (Dear Sir...) which is very formal.

I swore “cigar” was referring to giving Reimei one, but heck. Cigar is his dog…wolf…canine, dangit.

Antiquary? Eyepatch man has no real name???

Oh gosh. Please just get me out of here, I’m not interested in Hard Drinking Party Girl number 384123847098…

Long haired Hase!!! Oh. His name’s Ryu? Okay then.

H-Hey, this just stated that being a weeb is a two way street. It’s vaguely reassuring, actually…

The anime staff didn’t even bother to show Yushi stopping the bleeding. So was it Yushi or was it the removal of the spirit that stopped the bleeding, or what, exactly?

Why are you worried, Akira???

The lunch is from Ruriko, isn’t it?

In the end, I think I’ll say (and I think Yushi would say too) Ruriko is best girl.

Kuri? So that’s the kid’s name…

There’s something ultra sad about Yushi going, “What is a mother, anyway?”

This is still the subpar show it was last week, but it’s a keeper until I decide the lineup. I did indeed get my long-haired Hase, which is a bonus.

7O3X 2

Urgh, they bring the memories of the first ep right back. Can people please stop using fanservice as an incentive to watch more, as engrossing as it may be for certain parts of the audience?

There appears to be someone shoving Mari from behind at the end of the OP…

Wasn’t Napoleon born in Corsica?...Yup.

You gave a question about an anime term…in anime. *rolls eyes* That’s real bottom of the barrel stuff, but the answer is “absolute territory” (zettai ryouiki).

That’s cute, Shiki has an electronic dictionary…

Holy moly! The zettai ryouiki joke worked on me! Plus Gakuto likes zettai ryouiki! Guh!!!

Zettai ryouiki works less and less the more you see it, like a joke. So a zettai ryouiki gag would naturally be the same.

Actually, I think quiz bowl isn’t that popular with girls because some girls are afraid to be geeks, as unfortunate as that is. It kills diversity in certain circles…like the IT industry…

There seems to be a blanket of sadness over this reunion between Mari and her friend.

“Home field”. Dang, opposite answer!

Cache what? Oh, uh, i-it’s a type of wraparound clothing…I know that style, I just didn’t know it had a name.

Recession? Oh dangit! I studied stagflation a few months ago! It happened during the 1970s in America, which is one factor as to why Japan became such an economic powerhouse at the time.

English folk songs? (Really?) I dunno who wrote them, so…I learnt something today.

So Mikuriya Chisato (just another darned reason to watch this show) is a fairly typical shonen rival. Smug as all get out. Not like I’m cursing myself, he’s not hot but he’s easy on the eyes…

Dangit Mikuriya! I was gonna Mallory too! The question is who said “Because it’s therez’ to “Why climb Mount Everest?”, right?...The question is “Why climb the mountain?”, but same diff, people.

Ramsar Convention? Never heard of it.

Sugar honey ice tea, this one seems to be a group based on historical stuff. Congress Dances appears to be a movie based on the Congress of Vienna.

LOL, the scat question was funny just from the strange sounds. The noises that should have followed “doo bee doo bee” must’ve been “doo ba doo ba” then.

Oh! “In the manner of the chapel” is acapella! I thought it looked like something I knew. (Hah, it does help for me to be a former pianist sometimes, eh?)

Dangit, I thought I knew the Newton one, but I blanked out. CV stands for “character voice” – naturally I’d know that one.

Ah, the tale of the underdog. Always makes for riveting drama, it does.

Gahaha! I was completely lost on the literature questions, but man, I laughed so hard at the zettai ryouiki joke. Seems they were building up to something after all. Plus, Chisato���s so amazed, I laugh even harder, that smug butt.

Oh yeah, I wonder why Shiki was in his school uniform, even though Mari wasn’t?

The silhouette from last time is present. Probably a transfer student into Buzou who’ll help the quiz team, knowing anime…There’s Yukirin (or whatever her name is), with the glasses on her head and the scarf around her neck.

“After stripes, Fukami’s preferred-” – I’d presume that’s “After stripes, Fukami’s preferred style of headband is what?” or something like that. You can see she’s wearing an American flag headband in this segment, so I’d say stars or plain pink (like you can see sometimes, like in the ED). Wha-huh? Why does Gakuto know that??? Oh no. Does that mean it was a fanservice question, about Fukami’s panties??? Gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, noooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*panting and trying to recover from the previous realisation* This show’s boilerplate. It’s got good things to offer, but it also has…*shudders* fanservice. Persistent fanservice. Depending on how bad the new entries this week are (the entries in question are Mahoujin Guru Guru, Classroom of the Elite and Gamers), there may be a chance for this to go on hold (because that’s what I do to shows I can’t be certain about).

Mahoujin Guru Guru 1

ANN said this was alright, so I’m using it to determine whether I should stick on with some of my boilerplate shows (specifically Hina Logi, which doesn’t make me feel warm and fuzzy inside despite its attempts at schoolgirl SoL, 7O3X, which is fun to play with but has fanservice and Youkai Apato, which is overall lacking).

Holy anime, Batman! This thing’s 24 minutes! (I kinda knew that from ANN categorising it as such, but that still had an element of surprise when I saw it on CR.)

The cutesy artstyle doesn’t suit this show. It would be better doing a Gugure! or OPM thing with switching between two styles (chibi and detailed).

Uh, subbers? Why is “Boering” “Jimina”???...Oh, okay. Jimina can mean a lot of different things when in different contexts, but it would mean “boring” in this context, so they went with a deliberate typo on “boring”. I see.

It’s already making me laugh at the mention that this sign would make great firewood. I foresee great things from this show.

Bado’s basically an “I took an arrow to the knee” guy, right?

“No reply. It’s just a corpse.” – LOL.

Oh gosh. Not the magic granny! (sarcastic)

Yeah, I kinda lost interest, but that’s because this is meant to riff off RPGs and ye olde fantasy, right?

You can’t just ride on weird faces alone to carry your humour. I can see how this is funny, but I’m not laughing simply because I find the overreliance of funny faces to convey humour is a bit overused.

Oh. They did it again. Ainshent = Ancient.

Suddenly, these guys go the DN Angel route with the training. Well, it’s better to start in medias res than to have to train from no power at all…

I think it works better with dramatic voice acting. Read the “the money covers that” quickly like the “spoken by” of an ad, then read the “all you get is cash!” with a voice that you use to tell scary stories…and you’re set.

Oh gosh. It’s fanservice, and right after I was complaining about it in 7O3X too…

Arabian blonde girl is so shiny, I can’t see…*bumps into something*

See? I knew he’d take the sword! Not only do they spoil that in the promo material and the eyecatch, Heroes Prefer Swords (to quote TV Tropes)!

Okay, Karamatsu-Nike. Hold up.

No, the counter guy said it was a heavy iron sword, right?

A-hey. So Nike switched to the dagger? Yeah, I thought I saw that dagger previously too, but he’ll probably get the sword someday…or maybe he just bought both. I don’t give any cares for these guys.*shrugs*

This thing is produced well, but mmhmm. I saw an inbetween fram of bishie eyes, and I like me some bishie eyes.

Wait, the monster always wanted to do a monologue? Guess that’s all kinds of villains’ shtick, not just big baddies. (almost laughed, but that kind of joke dies too quickly)

Was that mage perhaps…*gasps* Magic Granny? Noooooooooooooo!

When did he notice her?! (almost laughs, but not quite)

There’s a Laughing Man, an Anpanman and the word shippai (failure).

Well, as a comedy it fares better than Hina Logi, but because it’s a high fantasy parody, it’s sucking at its own job. Sorry, but I’m going to put you on hold. I think I need to reevaluate you with the sound on. Sometimes, I felt like I should laugh, but didn’t because I genuinely couldn’t find a reason to, either, which is kinda rare for me when it comes to comedy. I can see why people like it though.

Classroom of the Elite 1

For some reason, this has glowing reviews, so…let’s see what the hype is about.

Okay, you’re quoting Nietzche. *side eyes* If there’s two things I know about Nietzche, it’s 1) he has some good quotes under his name and 2) he always comments on the state of humanity’s evil. I love to quote the “if you stare into the abyss…” thing, so at least you have my attention.

Classroom of the Elite…Episode…what? It’s a Classroom of the Elite episode. We know that already.

*Googles furiously* I knew it! “Heaven does not make one person above or below another” is a Fukuzawa quote (from An Encouragement of Learning, which I had to learn about from nkhrchy)! However, using two quotes in succession has less effect than just one.

I think it is in my country, you get fined ifyou get caught not giving up your seat to those who need it (including elderly people), so I see the girl’s viewpoint more.

Oh great. *sighs* I start to wonder where the show will go as soon as I see Seiji Kishi. All of the man’s works I’ve seen so far are hit or miss. Ranpo Kitan had a terrible plot but eyecatching visuals, while Tsukigakirei was plodding enough to make me yell at the screen a lot.

Was that a bear in a uniform? I wanna see a bear in a uniform the same way as Mechazawa (Cromartie)!

Man, these pink eyes are weird.

This brunette seems to be a future class rep. You can see it written all over his mannerisms and dialogue…which is exactly what protag thought too, it seems.

The phone’s like a PayPass…?

Horikita? Like that 3rd year?

Fairy Mart, LOL.

*sighs* Of course he’d focus on her assets…urgh.

Doesn’t “uji” mean something along the lines of “surname”, come to think of it?

“Quilsilver” (sic).

Gah-hah (half laughing), it looks like Starbucks! Guess that’s not surprising, knowing how some girls are into their skinny mocha lattes with the soy milk and quinoa. Then again, that’s stereotyping, so that’s mean.

Ayanokouji is hard to read, but I can predict his thought process like we’re completely in sync (which I guess is meant to happen in a show like this). Horikita’s pretty expressionless too, meaning this comes off similar to Sagrada Reset – there’s potential, but the quality of the character writing is hard to determine.

I think Horikita suspects Kushida wants to hang off the dudes. Like something out of Legally Blonde.

Only a dude writer would make a girl mention her underwear so casually…*grumbles*

Since I read ANN prior to watching this ep, I knew the twist, but it was handled competently enough.

“Sapere aude” appeared during the ED. It means “dare to know”, and was first mentioned by Immanuel Kant. I learnt about it in politics, and heck, for a series that relies on lofty quotes like this, it does make sense to include it.

The words in the ED, if not Japanese, are German and Latin, along with a sentence or two of French and some English (because I spotted “…the root of evil”).

This style, that involves a lot of pink…I should’ve known is was Seiji Kishi and Lerche. It vaguely smacks of Ranpo Kitan!

I’m not sure what way this is going to go, but I can say I’m at least intrigued because there does seem to be some strong writing behind this. That means Hina Logi is going on hold.

Saiyuki Reload Blast 2

The gangster feel of this is great, y’know? The perfect way to kick back any day. (Unfortunately, if you want to know how I’m going on Gangsta, I still have it on hold…that was a lil’ subpar compared to what I wanted to cling to that season.)

Just out of interest… Well, here’s a better indication. That’s a pretty long road trip. However, the distance between Adelaide and Darwin (both Australian cities) is longer (3030.61 km or 1883.13 miles or 1636.4 nautical miles if measuring by driving distance on the same site as that second link), so…the Saiyuki guys have no right to complain.

“A salt lake…So a lake filled with salt water.” – You don’t say…I bet there’s a specialised term for that in Japanese, but still.

Float? Like the Dead Sea?

It’s funny how these guys use both magic and science. It’s something I’ve been trying to write ever since “The Future is Crimson”, because being able to combine both into a show smoothly indicates you’re a great writer (at least, in my opinion).

Like, enough with the camera blood splatter and “shooting through” the camera. Otherwise, I’m happy with this battle scene.

Seeing ancient China through a Japanese person’s eyes instead of through my parents’ Chinese version of jidaigeki-style live action dramas is…really something else. I think that’s one reason I’m so attached to this. (In case you’re wondering, yes. My parents watch a lot of old Chinese live action dramas. My dad especially is fond of things involving Mao Zedong or Deng Xiaoping if not those weird period dramas I just mentioned.)

They have credit cards in this period. That’s…hilarious! Then again, we’re talking about dudes with a dragon/jeep and a gun in what seems to be ancient China. Go, anime! (partially halfhearted) (shakes head knowingly*

The more the enemy lady (who appears to be Gyokumen) talks, the more I think of Queen Beryl from Sailor Moon and the more I get hit in the nostalgia. Ah, the 90s. Those were some good days of anime.

Gahhaha, the Sanzo party is full of debauchery, yet I can see why they’ve spawned so many anime seasons and specials.

“Looks like you did get here in the nick of time.”

The Sanzo party sound so unmotivated when they go, “Urasai”.

These extra things really ain’t funny, but…well, it’s almost like seeing an AU of these guys in the modern day. Including, and up to, watermelon smashing. An anime can’t go without at least one watermelon smashing scene if it’s got a beach episode...or it’s summer, which is just a big excuse to show a beach scenario anyway.

Update: After much thought, I regret to say that 7O3X and Youkai Apato are going on hold. The Reflection, which I intended to check out originally, will probably be out on the 29th while I still have Gamers! on tap next.