#i cant even function man
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#vent#ahhh my best friend has once again told me to move out and look at shelters hahahahahahaha#like fuck man there ISNT A SHELTER HERE.#the only one we have is only open a couple months in winter#and also a shelter is THE WORST OPTION#esp in utah#like if i move out i need 2 have like help i cant just do it on my own yknow#he did have a good idea abt a mental health professional being able 2 help me tho..#but then im 2 scared my mom will find out im going to therapy!!!#but i am going to look into it#bc like. i just cant do this anymore yknow#this place is killing me#like literally#both my mental and physical health are. very poor rn.#idk what 2 do idk. i am fuckin scared abt everything yknow#dissociation has gotten worse#i keep seeing things#heart is acting up#cant eat#keep having nightmares#mom wants me 2 give her $1.5k#my dog is super arthritic n im the only one who will do anything with her#which is making MY joints and body pain way worse#i am always sick n i always have the smell of mold stuck in my nose now#i cant even function man#i just lay on the couch all day sick and out of my mind n then i get screamed at for it#bc im the only one who cleans so if im not cleaning the house is fucked and so the house is fucked#i cant see a way out idk#nothing makes me happy and i feel like im dying again#my entire life is fucked
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Just finished Dr Stone Reboot
#Dr stone#Dr Stone Reboot: Byakuya#Dcst#Tsukasen#is there a rei tag here do you guys call her rei ishigami ...#byakuyas beautiful robot girl daughter and his cabbage son#she literally turned herself into a girl because she wanted to. that was an actual cosmetic upgrade and had no function whatsoever#also man i cant believe boichi really drew that panel of senku and tsukasa making out in the lab ... at first you think its just another#instance of an artist trying to queerbait or like do fanservice but that scene was really deep and poignant and important to both their#character arcs .. .so even though i did think it was a little gratuitous and in-your-face im glad they didnt shy away from illustrating it#also im obsessed with how tsukasa has to hunch over so much his shoulders are literally scrunched AND his knees are bent hes literally#trying so hard not to let senku lift his head too high or it would be uncomfortable. does he love him or what ?
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I think its somewhat telling that the gnosis was placed inside the shouki no kami rather than scara containing it in his chest the same way that venti did with his gnosis. I get that its probably more so because scara needed a much grander body for his god form and the electro gnosis just so happened to be at the centre of it… but i cant help but think of it as the games way of telling us that he truly is not fit to contain the gnosis, even in peak form when all his powers are unleashed, he still needs to build a whole new body as the gnosis’ vessel, that the so called “heart” he thought was rightfully his would not actually make him satisfied or fulfilled, as it seems to be the embodiment of all of scara’s obsessions
#erm i feel like this is all very obvious but im just now thinking of this#bc i was thinking about scara and his constant yearning for a heart…. ok#sorry to be that one guy pointing obvious things out and acting like its some grand discovery 🥺😞 lolol#that being said i was kinda disappointed that the shouki no kami was his boss form#like dont get me wrong i love his eva mech with all my heart#but i always wanted a sort of… idk true form of HIMSELF the same way tartaglia and signora had them#not saying foul legacy is childes true form and yadda yadda yadda but like… i cant explain ig#foul legacy… crimson witch of flames… and whatever happened to arlecchino in her bossfight is what i was expecting with scara#i mean king for not fitting in with all the others but#cmon man… i wanted you to go plus ultra or whatever… did ei not install you with like a function where you go all raiden mei and grow a few#cm taller and grow beautiful breasts or something… not even like a raiden shogun tru puppet form or anything…#i wanted to see my king not eva mechs ok imosrry#still love shouki no kami tho dont even joke about it lads#scaramouche#wanderer#wanderer genshin#genshin impact#genshin
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man rodeoh hasnt added my not so good review and now im starting to wonder if theres some suspicious reason they dont have any reviews under 4 stars
#its an underwear brand i tried out awhile ago#they felt really cheap and thin and unstretchy when they arrived and within a year completely fell apart at the seams#like i ripped the waistband right off from just putting them on.#the croctches wore right out to nothing and im not even active! i hardly do anything!#and like maybe a year is too much to ask for clothing nowadays but idk i feel like they should last longer than that#i cant afford to replace all my underwear every year#also for tboy oriented underwear i was sorely disappointed that they didnt have pad functionality#idk man#rodeoh#maybe they just arent made for big fat guys idk#the inseam was awkwardly proportioned so it crumpled a lot under my belly but wasnt long enough to go over it#i tried to record a video of how easy it was to pull em apart but it just made me look really strong and also like the start of an OF#i need some validation that im not the only one that experienced this iim dying squirtle
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Why yes I am reviving this art blog with one of the worst memes I've ever fucking made
#memes#shitposts#ffxiv#ff14#zenos yae galvus#i cant even CALL this art man#i put this on my barely functional twitter ages ago might as well put it here LMFAO#zenos viator galvus#zenoswol#...?#ffxiv wol
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🕸🎀˚.⁺⊹
#so i have an appt. to the psychiatric department for personality disorders tmrw...#and like i tried sending a self referral to them last year lmao#and they only said that heyyy you're doing amazing sweetie you are high functioning 🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻#then i've ben to the health care center and since they think they cant treat me bc it's too severe they've sent referrals to other places#which have all declined me... so they also sent one to the psychiatric who sent a referral to this pd department#who that time also said that they can't accept me#so the therapist at the health care center like idk exactly but she sent a report on how they didnt handl my case properly#which made them call on me for an evalutation appt.#but i have 0 hopes. i honestly think the entire psych care is fucking lame and bullshit#i highly doubt they're even equipped to treat personality disorders#& even if they are theire budgetis getting cut bc ppl love having rightists ruling the government .... which means no funds for healthcare#anyway. PLUS it's a man.... -_- which reducuses my chances of being taken seriously even more...#i also hate talking to male therapists/psychiatrists... no fucking thanks. but i have to </3#i just really dont wanna go. like im gonna have to put energy into trying to argue for my right for treatment. w ppl who should inferstand#UNDERSTAND* i hate typing on my ipad ffs. they should understand my personality disorders..#bit health care proffessionals are horrible ppl and dont give a fuck abt their patients lol. so they're only condescending and rude 🤢🤮#i hate being in these environments bc everyone treats u like shit. the receptionists are so fkn rude and almost outright mean and insulting#the doctors and therapists and psychiatrists are all bullies who look down on u and make u feel small and worthless#so im really dreading it... but im also at my wit's end. i am missing out on my entire life. im desperate for help#even if i wholeheartedly believe that these worthless wastes of space wont give me any treatment i'll still need to go and try#then ig i'll just have to keep pestering the healthcare system. i might wventually even have to start going to the psych. ER so they put#that on my records and like idk. that costs money tho. plus from everyone i've heard from...#being at a psych ER esp when your situation isnt dire is awful and hell#my cousin who had been ther after a sui attempt had said that it 'scared him straight'#and that it was so terrible that he did everything to get back home as soon as possible and do whatever to never end up there again#so yuh... i'd rather not!#i was supposed to (my own decision) to write a list with ALL my symptoms and bring and be like LOOK MONGREL!!!#but since i suffer from avpd...... i havent. i procrastinated and now it's too late whoopsie. i'll just have to wing it fuckkkk 🥴#ofc it also has to be 8.45 .. so early in the morning for me im so mad ahhhhh i dont wanna go i am throwing up and screaming#but atp i'd have to pay $35 myself for not going so that will motivate me enough to force myself to go
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Feeling very Ascension by Gorillaz ft Vince Staples at 2:18
#i need to solve a puzzle or some shit. god. fuck.#i cant concentrate on anything i cant fall asleep i cant stay asleep i cant stay awake i cant wake up on time#i hate depression 😒 and all the other things wrong with me yknow#i need to do something like. good for me. but its so damn hard to drag myself into doing that too#brain. stop being so foggy. please.#im even like. im eating im drinking water. i could probably like do some sort of exercise but everything makes me so tired.....#like even a walk yknow? i do my shift at work and im at 3% battery. i dont. i dont know what to do man#and i dont even wanna die about it???? im actively NOT suicidal for once#like are you kidding me??? ive been suicidal for like over a decade and for once#my brain is still popping up like have you considered killing yourself? 🤔 but im Genuinely not swayed by it at all#which is weird. and probably good. but now i just feel like. numb#stuck. stagnant. foggy. can we PLEASE cut through this fog and have some meaningful brain functions for a little bit. brain. cmon#i dont wanna die but i *do* wanna sleep for like. three days#i want a week off where i have NOTHIN to do#genuinely nothing to do. chores are done work is on pause i need nothing creeping in at the edges thinkin bout#ohhhhh you should be doing this instead..........youre wasting your time........do a task.....#but i cant i cant do a task. i cant. and its so frustrating and i feel bad about it#id feel much worse about it if my BRAIN wasnt as foggy as fucking SAN FRANCISCO#and i keep trying like. healthy ways of ''feeling something'' like hobbies i like or yummy food#nothin. does fuckin nothin. i get off and it gives me a Little bit of clarity Maybe. like#no wonder bad coping mechanisms happen yknow??? its an absolute fucking miracle i havent taken up smoking#anyway. i need to go to bed. tomorrows gonna be a long day. if you feel so inclined send me mental love or something. im fuckin tired folks.
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liv mckenzie really had the worst 3 days of her life and then died 😭
#fine ass ex stalking her. fine ass ex shows up at the bar n tries to fight her man n gets them all kicked out#then gets STABBED in the parking lot#mindy on her ass for zero reason#like the only other person besides chad who fw her in this group aint even there although i mean. tara has a very good reason for that 😭#tries to get freaky w her man at the Fly High Wes Function and gets curved bc chad is so stupid (affectionate)#AND she cant even get a ride home#killer allegations twice in one night#between those she finds chad like damn near dead in the yard#tries to get him help and dont nobody even believe her 😭#and then she just gets SHOT#girl im so sorry like 😭#liv babygirl u lived just as u died#being in exactly the wrong place at the wrong time w the wrong ppl always and forever#ceci speaks#scream liveblog
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adhd comix
#man i dont even have the energy to be mad. im just tired#like. dont u love it when your parents exhibit symptoms of ADHD and your sibling is diagnosed with a learning disability#and instead of thinking oh shit what if the other one has smth too. they subject you to The Horrors#i cant bring myself to hate my parents. but im tired of feeling obligated to defend them when the thing they think is working#isnt actually working and ive just found other ways to cope to avoid any sort of conflict. like lying and stealing. lol#if someone took me aside and said 'hey so your brain doesnt make as much dopamine as usual and its not a bad thing it just means you#need external stimulation and reward system to function and youre not actually secretly fucked up or lazy' as a kid#im pretty sure i wouldnt be here rn with half the problems i already have. unfortunately getting diagnosed late means u dont have a teacher#to back you up at a parent teacher conference that forces your parents to take this shit seriously instead of ignoring it hoping itll#go away on its own. but hey what do i know i have squirrel ipad baby disease. what do i know about my own symptoms#AND. AND i think im allowd to be mad bc ive been doing my own research on this for years before and after diagnosis#theyve been putting me thru the WORST parenting techniques on earth. which they could have corrected at anytime but they were#comfortable thinking they were doing it right and didnt bother to check if they were or werent fucking up their kid in the long run#and refusing to acknowledge it. i just!! they just decided one day hey lets make babies!! and just looked at books on how to make#a human being survive as long as possible!!! what the fuck!!!!#im sorry for putting this on ppls dashes but i am. so tired. of bottling this up. and im not looking for sympathy or anything i just need#to scream and clench my fists to SOMEONE about it because theyre not gonna take this well up the ass. sigh#yapping#vent
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i miss her…
#cant believe i forgot about her till the photobook q&a im so sorry witch mona~~~~~~~#press f for honeypre atelier gachas it was gone too soon™️#(currently e x t r e m e l y worried and stressed for tomorrow like never before b u t i have to appear like im fine sobs save me monachann)#(can i go on a stress-prompted tangent here about something inane? no? toooo bad im gonna go off anyway~~~~)#ok so. like. since witch mona is the image i have up ‘ere and since it’s still 七月… today’s tangent will be on irl spooky stories!!#s o. presenting a decently repressed memory from my childhood that resurfaced while i was hibernating at home:#anyways. well. thoughts about the afterlife can vary from person to person yes? there’s no one true correct belief after all#but the one question that unites us all is probably the one and only ‘are ghosts real?’#and well. for personal reasons i think so. i mean i’ve seen this one dude i hate get possessed a couple of times so welp. cant deny it ig.#wild story about that actually. back in the day my family’s finances were allegedly doing so badly that [dude i hate] had to pick up#a *c e r t a i n* side hustle for extra cash. that side hustle? literal grave digging at the cemetary. at night no less#and *ofc* he wasn’t respectful about it in the least so ofc some spirits followed him home. yay. free roommates.#one(?) of them even took residence in my room at the time and im 80% sure they ate my history textbook :( much sads#anyways well once that guy had too much to drink (which was rather often tbh) he’d get possessed. fun!#the only possession i ever saw was the n-rarity angry ghost who’d just huff and puff in silence with unfocused eyes most of the time#he’d occasionally put on a leather jacket too. but that was like a r-rarity event that didn’t happen that often#my mother had the chance to also witness the mosquito (who tried to barge into my room for fresh blood) and the 姑娘 (self-explanatory)#which is kinda unfair tbh. i wanted to see the ur-rarity ones too :( mostly bc it’d be funny to see a guy i hate act ooc (impure intentions)#oh right. how did we get the dude out of his possession? we just shook his arm really hard. prolly caused some lasting effects but who know#i think he could also just sleep off the possession but idk i was asleep for the ur-rarity incidents.#cant ask the one witness of it bc i dont want to bring back unnecessary flashbacks of [guy we hate]#anyways it’s been years since we moved out from that place and i still want my history textbook back. mostly for the principle of it but—#and so that’s the tangent of the day. i feel weirdly less stressed now thanks witch mona#i do wonder how my grandparents are faring on this 七月 though…#b u t !!!!! tomorrow’s date on the lunar calendar says it’s an auspicious day for wishful activity and starting a new job!!! so… maybe~~~~?#hauauauauauauauuauaaaaaa anyways insane tangent over stream mona’s new album ok bye#oops forgor to disable rbs i hate how easy it is to forget to use this function man
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NO YOU’RE SO RIGHT ABOUT THE MAJIMA STUFF THOUGH. GOD. God forbid you speak poorly about the fandom silly guy etc etc. I rt’d one post about someone being annoyed abt majima getting an insane amount of merch (especially compared to other characters- even other PLAYABLE characters) and suddenly my TL is filled with ppl taking it as a personal attack….. like?? Settle down???
My one fear is that instead of Mine content we’re just gonna get Majima Saga 2 for yk3 and rgg will call it a day. WHAT ELSE IS THERE TO SAY ABOUT THE GUY !!! GENUINELY!!!
at this rate we’re going to have a complete record of Majima’s life from birth until modern day bc you knowww they’re never gonna let the cash cow die or retire. + god I lowkey need the 3jimas to break up Now so saejima and daigo can stand on their own again (w/out being overshadowed by Majima)…. Saejima especially… I miss the days when he felt like a character………
(I may have a lot to say on the topic) (he’s a fun character but at this rate I’m getting so sick of the fandom around him)
gen is kinda funny how when there's the Monthly Critique Of Majima post on twitter the rggtwt part of the tl is flooded with majima fans being upset. its like clockwork really LOL
as for saejima, i do miss him being solo... like he's funny with majima at times, but as wack as Y4 was i still really liked his coliseum scene, and his prison adventures in Y5 were a real treat too..
#snap chats#like you say one mild comment about majima in passing and then you have mates acting as if you burned their crops#like .. its never this serious .. also i think people have the right to be a littttttle miffed that other charas barely get anything#its starting to change with the plushies and saejima/akiyama figures so thats great but. still a way to go LOL#its just esp Lol inducing because kiryu and ichi are protagonists so it makes sense for them to get stuff#but majima is quite literally a side character that wasnt meant to have this much popularity#the concept of a chara becoming popular by accident isnt bad thats not the thing- its even cool when that happens#its just sometimes you just see people act really entitled to stuff for that character while every other chara is ignored#and then the same people acting surprised when others go 'actually ive had a bit enough of this guy'#honestly if they did another majima segment for a hypothetical yk3 id laugh. like id be a bit annoyed but id mostly laugh#cause truly what else is there. he's like a comic book character we just gotta keep making situations for him til hes 90#idk. just so funny majima's been given a sort of 'weird' protagonist status#and i say weird because he IS a protagonist but just compared to how he actually functions throughout y1-y6. lol. lmao even#like youre right in that majima's a fun character but he really is better in just small doses imo#or. at least i need people to relax on the idea of a 'majima gaiden' or making him any more prominent in the games than he is now#anyway i cant be bitter posting my dad is being funny as hell. he got us bracelets and he was like#'in our family you and i are the only ones who like these. makes us cool' and i was like 'yeah dad we're so cool'#and this old man is just 'we're so cool ☺️' LIKE PL E A S E THE EMOJI TOOK ME OUT. i love my dad. all bitterness is gone from my heart#anyways bye if rgg gives majima a saga in yk3 im gonna livestream playing that and only that#not even yk3 just the majima part 😭😭😭😭
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I think I accidentally made Wriothesley AuDHD. fuck
#ingital#did you know there's a bit in ingital i cut out where he tells Neuvillette they have to go get their kids tested. it's cut out of the carol#and vautrin scene. because I wanted to recontextualise carole's canon story as like about her social ostracisation because she's#a weird little girl with a very strong sense of justice (autistic like her dad lol). and I wanted it to just be a family moment where#wriothesley just very casually suggests getting their kids tested to see if they need additional support. and its just because i wanted it#to be seen as a very normal. even slightly positive moment (carole you're just like your papa!). because . you dont often see an autism#diagnosis as a Normal thing. much less a silly fun thing. and Ingital is silly fun the fic#the thing is. I specifically sat down and told myself. I'm gonna write a neurotypical man because not every single guy in my fic has to be#neurodivergent. when I write wriothesley it's usually more about trauma cptsd and high functioning depression anyway.#but I am autistic. even my trauma/depression/mentally ill experience is viewed through autistic lens. which is why im like#I should learn how to write a neurotypical man right. this is so dire. because what if i CANT. GOD#severe trauma does things to your neurotype anyway so he's Not Neurotypical but GODDDDDDDDDDD I made the fucking. disorganised#basement dwelling tech nerd gag in the latest chapter. and I FORGOT THAT THAT'S TIPPING INTO AUDHD TROPES/STEREOTYPES.#I know this had potential to go into audhd territory from Day 1 when I decided he fucking dwells on stack exchange#but i told myself. well. just because he's a nerd and highly intelligent doesn't mean he's audhd. right. because if he still#has relatively normal sensory experiences (outside of ptsd/other mental illness symptoms) and is still within normal range of organisation#then he's not audhd. because the difference between audhd disorganisation/dysregulation and similar symptoms in depression/other illnesses#IS THAT HE'S STILL GONNA BE DISORGANISED WHEN HE'S NOT DEPRESSED!!!!!!! And he's not depressed in his little basement enclosure.#that . level of happy chaos. is exactly how he naturally operates when he's allowed to do what he wants. I fucking made him audhd AGAIN#and he even has his own extremely strange way of naming files.
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hello long vent / kinda updates ( in tags for both ) & also i love you all sm
#life is hard man#i cant socialize for shit#i appreciate everyone whose been reaching out to me and stuff#i wanna clarify my lack of responses is due to the mess that is my life rn#but also im autistic as hell and bad at messaging#tbh#i just have lots of trauma / problems there so communication is really difficult for me#and i am not sure how to navigate it#im doing my best but it is so hard#im not good at messaging back or knowing what to say etc#its been really hard#im an anxious mess most days#and its honestly not getting better its getting worse#i have lots of untreated mental stuff going on#managed to do a screening yesterday so the ball is rolling but its slow & im out of time#rn my partner + friends & wrestling are whats getting me through this#like aside from my cat and a junk drawer full of small things thats about what i got#and life is not very kind to me / us#feels like its working against us actively tbh#and theres some family stuff that went down thats intense#after my nightmare day at all out. i learned a lot more about my place in my family that i didnt really wanna learn rn#so i am. a mess#all my problems are literally so severe i cannot function. i cant do tasks. i cant think. i literally have panic attacks over everything#anxiety attacks that last whole days or hours cause my skin just stays shaking and wrong#my ocd is unbearable#and i cant leave my house really anymore#and select moments i can but. i dont even have those anymore really#i wish i could explain the mess of how bad im doing and also express the gratitude for the people still around#or the people checking in#i am trying to! i am still trying.
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i’m just now getting around to watching the trailer for tybw cour 3 and . . . . . .
#ʬʬ.sosa speaks.com#everyone looks so delectable i can’t even#cant function#i squealed many many times in like 1-2 minutes#but aizen . . . . . . .#and ichigo . . .#something indescribable happened inside me when he flashed on screen for .79 seconds#free my man aizen the kids miss their daddy at home#we’re tired of them prison phone calls#i love having a bleach brain rot <3
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Honestly i dont like sculk spreading/corruption storylines theyre really boring with a few exceptions
#at least make it MEANINGFUL. OR AN ALLEGORY SURE#but a lot of thr timr its just like#augh... ohnoo... thr sculkk.. its spreading and taking me ovrr.... fukkkkk.....#and then its either like poof all better now or oops fuck everythinfs dead the end#i just dont think theyre cool unless they have a specific meaning#like cub's sculk arc? that was really boring man ur not even from that server and ir didnt like do anything#i mean its funny from a 'its cub' pov but aside from that ehhh..... nah......#The corruption from s1 esmp was cool however but more because it served an actual function it was a good mass server event not caused by a#specific player but instead a mass storylune and players got to interact with it in interesting ways#but also there was never the threat of oh.... noo.... the entire world will become corrupted it was more WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS BIGASS PLANT#DOING HERE#and it tied into very nicely xornoth and that#esmp2 ALSO kind of had a corruption line with the fae but like.... what was that even.... i literally dint remember and i was there.....#it was boring......#oh and also owens nlsmp corruption storyline.... sigh....#there was so much potential for Sparrow and that storyline and i wish Owen had just gone 'okay i need people to roleplay as online for this#narrative' like Oli does#like u cant really do long term storytelling on what is a short term server if you arent ready to direct people and allow yourself to#control YOUR story the whole sculk spreading thing just seemed like a copout due to the server ending#where i think owen should have put his own content above what is technically true#its roleplay#like owen does roleplay well. but the difference is on the POW servers is that theres a set time and most people are on at the same time#but that just doesnt occur so much on youtube based smps and thats why i think until owen is able to direct more (outside of shared rp with#scott specifically) he's probably better suited towards streamed roleplay later edited#idk sculk storylines are boring basically they can work but only in an active server i feel#like with owens it was like 'oh fuck the sculk is spreading i have GOT to stop this!' meanwhile everyone else on the planet is like already#dead following his videos like idk man just didnt hit#there was also no specific defeat or true responce to the sculk either like ik there was the vault but idk#like overall. it was fine and i enjoyed it but thst doesnt mean i like sculk storylines
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Uuuugh this lady at ceramic that brought her son in and is like "oh well i brought him there to teach him boundaries" and MOTHERFUCKER YOU COULD HAVE DONE IT IN THE TWENTY YEARS YOU HAVE RAISED HIM. DO NOT DROP THE RESPONSABILITY ON ME (who is also autistic) AND THE HEAD CERAMIST JUST BECAUSE YOU SEE "OH WOMEN"
#like for fucks sake. i am younger than him. i should NOT be his babysitter#he is also like. p high functioning. he just has no boundaries and is annoying as fuck and asks inappropriate questions and acts#pretentious in the 'oh i am the only Lived Man here' way and he fucking keeps touching me and my shit#EVEN THOUGH I TOLD HIM SEVERAL TIMES TO. STOP. TOUCHING. ME.#'but why do you have something against me' well yeah but thats a direct consequence of breaking my pretty reasonable boundary#OF NOT WANTING STRANGERS TO TOUCH ME. jesus fucking christ#and all of this because his mother probably went 'eheh he is autistic boys will be boys let him be 🥰'#and only now realized how much of a fuckup that thinking is. but nooo she cant fix her shit herself she has to#pull other people in. ffs she also wants to sign him up to my scout group because#'well you know each other (we have known each other for five hours)'#also all this deliberate saying that she did that for him because well. again. he is p high functioning. she just#breathes down his neck and shelters him as fuck#god i wanna bang my head against a wall ceramic lessons were supposed to be a way to unwind myself not get angrier
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