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ENHYPEN OT6 DEAL WITH YOUR OVULATION
part 1
⚠︎ smut. mdni. breeding kink for most, pet names, so much praise, p in v, size kink for hee's and hoon's, bulge kink for hee's, daddy kink for jay's, oral fem receiving and overstim for jake's, mentions of pain and nipple play for hoon's, video call sex for sunoo's, mean won, pet play and degradation for won's.
nia note ! this should have been out forever ago but it's me... so. this is for @heehoonies 🫵 bc i know you wanted it, and my baby @sleepyhoon
HEESEUNG | thinks he might be in heaven. you’re squeezing him tighter than you ever have, sounding like an angel under him as he presses his hips snugly against yours. he’s already so deep inside you, but he pushes his cock to reach even deeper, taking one of your legs and throwing it over his shoulder so he can fuck into you just like he wants to, his bangs falling over his eyes with the motion.
“you sound even wetter now that you’re under me, babydoll,” he gasps into your neck, hips never once faltering despite how hard you’re squeezing him. “sending me your pretty moans when i’m out with the guys… you’re so desperate to be filled up with cum, mhh angel, aren't you?”
you clench even tighter around his girth at the cute pet name he’d taken a liking to using with you. he loves calling you his sweet little angel.
“of course you are.” heeseung snickers, sliding his hand over your tummy, pushing against it to feel his bulge repeatedly fuck into your heat. his mouth is hanging open at the sight. you look so fucked out under him, grabbing and clawing at the bedsheets because when you think he’s finally pushed all the way in, he still gives you more. “so fucking deep babydoll… i’m gonna get you all nice and pregnant.”
JAY | just like promised, made up some bullshit excuse on the spot to leave work so he could come home and give you all the attention you craved so desperately.
“so desperate for cock you forgot your manners?” jay says, his tone stern. he lifts up your skirt to reveal your bare glistening cunt, no panties. “we can’t have that now. can we, pretty girl?”
“please daddy?” you look up to him, lashes all wet and darker from the tears of frustration that had welled up in your eyes while waiting for him.
“please what, angel?”
“please fuck me?” you sound so embarrassed, jay’s cock twitches in his hand. still his pretty shy girl even when you’re so desperate and begging for him.
“you said no condom, right baby? gonna let me feel your raw pussy?”
you nod, bottom lip caught between your teeth as you watch your boyfriend spit on his own cock, hand spreading the wetness on his entire length before he positions it at your entrance, his other hand gripping on your bunched up skirt until his knuckles turn white. your mouth waters at the thought of his cum down your throat, a treat he never fails to give you, pulling out of you to let your mouth finish him off whenever he’s close. this time though, he has different plans.
JAKE | likes to spend entire hours nestled between your thighs, lapping away at your cunt like he might never get another chance to in his life. and it’s nothing new really, but he somehow gets even needier for your pretty pussy to gush around his tongue whenever you’re ovulating, if that’s even possible.
“fuck baby, you’re so much wetter than usual,” he moans against your inner thigh, sloppily licking away at the skin of it before going back to suck on your clit. “gonna come around my tongue again?”
you’ve lost count of how many times he has already made you do just that, promising with a pout that it’s for real the last time, just to have you spread out on the couch for him again in a matter of minutes.
“so, so fucking sweet. wanna stay here forever.” he’s basically making out with your cunt, drooling all over as he draws orgasm after orgasm out of you. and you don’t even know when your high starts or ends anymore, pain so good you just have to lay there for him. you’re barely coherent when he comes up to your face, tongue pushing against your own in a messy, wet kiss. and you taste yourself on him, just like he promised. “taste how sweet you are baby? and you wanna deprive me of this?”
SUNGHOON | has you on his lap, thick cock pushing to make space in your snug heat with difficulty. you don’t think you’ll ever get used to how thick his girth feels inside you, stretching you out like no one has ever done before. ruining you for every other man, like he likes to say. you also won’t lie and say you don’t love it. the burning pain feels good once you start getting used to it, but the best part is how his soothing words guide and heal you all throughout it.
“this tiny kitty can barely handle me,” he whispers, strong big arms sneaking around your back to hold you flush against him, his face dipped down to kiss all over your stomach as you slowly sink down onto him. “but you’re so good baby, taking me so well mhh?”
“hoonie… h-hurts.”
“i know that pretty, i know that. but you wanna make me proud don’t you? wanna make hoonie feel so good?”
and you can’t do anything but nod, a small tear slipping past the corner of your eye when he takes your nipples in his mouth, warm tongue toying with the cold bars of the piercings, moaning around your skin when your breath hitches in your throat. you nod because even when it hurts, you know he’s gonna make it feel so good later.
SUNOO | cooes at you when you finally answer his video call and he’s met with the picture of you, hair all messy and forehead all sweaty, with your hands in your panties. he can’t help it when you’re so cute, unable to get off without his help.
he fluffs up a pillow behind him and rests on it, thick glass frames falling down the bridge of his nose and a playful smirk on his plump lips. “can’t come without me, princess?” it’s even more embarrassing to hear him say it out loud, but he’s not wrong. “pull your panties to the side and show me then. show me how badly you want me to fill you up.”
you do, fumbling to give him the best possible view before he even thinks to ask again. you make it a point to spread your cunt open for him to see, revelling in the low guttural moan you steal from him, a shiver running right down to your tummy when you notice how his arm is moving, hoping he’s palming himself to the sight of you. you hope he’ll be nice enough to let you see.
“now i’ll tell you exactly what to do. how to touch yourself properly.” he bites down on his bottom lip when he hears the obscene sounds your wet cunt is making, and he wishes for nothing more than for you to be there with him, not through a screen. “in exchange, when i come back, you’ll let me fill up that pretty pussy of yours how many times i want to. isn’t that right princess?”
JUNGWON | hates when you get an attitude, and he acts like he hates having to put you back in your place, but deep down you both know he loves it, and you do too.
“talking to me like that,’ he says, voice so much lower than usual, as he thrusts into you with an erratic rhythm. your cunt is still sore from the spanks he gave you earlier, and his balls slapping against it as he takes you from behind are doing nothing to soothe you. “so horny you forgot your manners? you’re such a dumb little bunny.”
his cock is pressing so deep inside you, it all feels too much, but not enough at the same time. so you push your hips against his pelvis, trying to take in even more. “god, you’re so pathetic,” he laughs incredulously, punctuating his sentence by pushing his length all the way inside you, keeping his hips flush against the fat of your ass, pushing you forward until your front collapses on the bed. your breath is knocked out of lungs, but you get no time to recover because he grabs a fistful of your hair and speaks right into your ear, voice low and dangerous, “you’re my little pet. my bunny to discipline, and my bunny to fuck and breed. got that?”
#enhypen smut#heeseung smut#jay smut#jongseong smut#jake smut#jaeyun smut#sunghoon smut#sunoo smut#jungwon smut#enhypen drabbles#enhypen x reader#heeseung x reader#jay x reader#jake x reader#sunghoon x reader#jungwon x reader#sunoo x reader#enhypen headcanons
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Hi!! ‘Tis the season! Can I request how Geta and Caracalla (separate please) celebrates Christmas (or really Saturnalia) with you? Any gifts of special moments they’d strive to create? I know they throw one hell of anChristmas party- Tysm !!
A/N: YIPPIE! MY FIRST REQUEST THANK YOU DEAR PERSON!! I’m going to write for my glorious emperor Caracalla bc he’s my precious angel and he’s such a cutie in my eyes who deserves all the love he can get. Will post a Geta version after!! - xoxo mqrrstarr
Christmas With The Emperor (1/2)
Emperor Caracalla x GN! Reader
how Caracalla would celebrate the holidays (Saturnalia / Christmas) with you!
Warnings: not edited, and it’s like half headcanons and half story, also I wrote about it Saturnalia first and then Christmas!!
GO READ GETA’S VERSION!!
。゚•┈꒰ა ♡ ໒꒱┈• 。゚
Caracalla enjoyed spending time with you.
His cherished partner, the one who vowed to love forever. The holidays had come around in Rome, and Saturnalia was all the rage. Outside the palace and in the streets were lines of vendors, performers, and even cooks who were eager to feed the public. Caracalla always took comfort in this period of celebration, and as a devotee to Saturn.
“Darling, are you ready to leave yet? I don’t want to miss any of the activities!”
The man was giddy with excitement, and eager to see you in newly made red, purple and golden clothes, the traditional Saturnalia colors. You nodded and the both of you took off in Caracalla’s chariot with two guards along.
The wheels on the dirt roads guided you to where the main festivities took place, the sacrifices of young pigs to Saturn. Caracalla took your hand as you were his, and smiled as the public bowed down to the both of you.
“See? They bow to the most elite of Rome.”
He kissed you before providing his own sacrifice, a young pig provided by Geta. (Caracalla couldn’t bear the thought of killing his own pig, so hence Geta supplied it.)
Soon after, you left to go to the markets. You noticed how happy Caracalla was, his pale cheeks all rosy and his smile as giddy as a child in a candy store. It was good for him to feel this way. Signs of respect and gifts were thrown your way, and Caracalla eagerly accepted each and every one. You hesitated a little bit, as you did want to financially compensate the merchants.
“I suppose I must, Lord Saturn might ruin the Empire’s farming and harvest. Thank you for telling me.”
He’d give sacks of money to his guards to give the merchants, as he’d want to get home. Caracalla had spent time running around in the road and then wanted nothing but to eat and spend time with you.
“Darling. This was fun. Didn’t I tell you?”
He smiled.
“I’m eternally grateful to the Gods that they gifted me you, and that I live to witness our rule and life until the day it is over.”
He’s absolutely adorable and falls asleep in your arms. A few days later, it’s time for Christmas. The whole month of December was been exhausting. You’ve been busy helping Macrinus choose new gladiators, been meeting with the senate and Geta to figure out tax issues, and studying. On the other hand, Caracalla’s just been doing whatever Caracalla does.
Yet, Caracalla takes the time behind your back to get you the most lavish gifts ever. New robes, a shiny new pair of sandals, golden jewelry, and most importantly; himself.
You’d wake up after him, (which is surprising, as he usually wakes up after you) and he’d been sitting with the gifts under his tree.
(help I don’t think this is time period accurate but whatever)
“Surprise!! All the luxuries you wanted are here! Merry Christmas!”
He’d grab your hand and twirl you around, dancing in the room and kissing.
“I couldn’t ever imagine life without you.”
He paused for a second, clearly trying not to burst into tears. You caressed his face, as he looks up at you in this state and says,
“I love you. I know I am not worthy of your affection, yet you still give it. I thank you.”
You smile and reassure him that isn’t true. You take this chance to pull out your own secret gift for Caracalla and gift it to him. It’s a copy of his favorite childhood book, and a necklace made of both of your favorite gemstones.
This makes him burst into tears, and all you can do is hug him and cherish the moment between the both of you.
(GOD PLEASE HES SUCH A CUTIE 😭)
#gladiator x reader#gladiator ii#gladiator two#caracalla#emperor caracalla#caracalla x reader#emperor caracalla x reader#Christmas#holiday fanfic#fred hechinger
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Heyyyy I really love your writing and I think it fits the members very well
I am not sure if you do these types of request but are you okay with writing headcanons on Jeonghan's personality? Like just his personality in general? Are you okay with adding some spicy (I didn't know which other word I was supposed to use) ones at the end? How would he be like? I am a very weird person and I love analysing people's personality and jeonghan happens to be my main interest these days lol. You can do it through tarot if you want!! You of course know better than me lol and I am completely alright if you don't wanna do my request. I will still love you lol
helloo!! u r def not weird at all!! as a psychology major bb i also love analyzing ppl :)))) — i won't work with tarot for now bc next year im planning on open requests just for it. one more thing I've done tarot in their persona in bed over here !
Jh's personality – headcanons
WARNINGS: mdni under the cut, descriptive and mention of sexual subjects
jeonghan gives me best friends vibes... he looks calm, almost indifferent, but he just looks like he loves to peep with you, to talk for hours and go grab meals together. he reminds me of family.
you know his lives just eating, joking around and talking... that's exactly how he is with his friends. obviously, he's more reserved because it's with us, but i feel he is all out with his friends. that one friend that literally doesn't know when to stop the teasing and goes overboard, but it's funny nonetheless... especially when he's drunk.
prefers to do meetings at his home with homemade barbecue and beverages. or going to a restaurant with his close friends. not the club type 100%. he likes the introspective meetings.
cocky and flirty for fun :/
so so so so caring!!!!!! the type of person you'd choose to say your deepest secrets and ask advice. hears you closely, gives you comfort, and tries to help you how he can. he will even make sure to check up on you for the next days, make a joke or two to light up your mood.
he's love language is probably acts of service.
don't ever pick up a fight with jeonghan... he's that type of scary that nothing bothers him until it does. his words get assertive, and he's not afraid of saying what he has to.
something makes me believe jeonghan is protective with his friends. he will speak up if he's in a situation that makes any of his friends or anyone really uncomfortable. when there's something you tell him, he not necessarily picks a fight but encourages you to do what you should, would that be cut someone toxic from your life or doing what you want.
Spicy Thoughts
kinky!!!! KINKYYY!!! he will be honest with his wantings and desires with you, you will know what he wants to try, and he's hoping you're wanting too. communicative as hell, we love it.
jeonghan isn't quiet. man trying to contain himself?? not him!! he moans, groans, dirty talk, grunts, the whole package bb. you're making him feel good, and he wants you to know.
a switch and open for anything.
sex drive high and horny. when i say he's open for anything, i mean it... he's up for anything!! will not always be penetrative sex, you want to get on your knees and suck him, fine, let's do it. want to make out, grind and cum on your panties, he's up to. just finger you and make you cum on his tongue, okay... let's do that.
not the type to enjoy lazy or slow sexy, he likes raw, sweaty, and nasty sex.
im sorry, but i do believe he'd go to strip clubs. i feel like sex is a need for him, like a healthy need, you know what i mean? so if he's not with someone, he'd would satisfy that paying for it.
a tease, baby!!! prepare yourself for overstimulation, sensory play, and orgasm denial. he's up to make you cum many times 🙂↕️ you're getting sore and sensitive next morning.
jeonghan is not aggressive. he's ok with accessories, handcuffs, blindfolds, anything, he's just not causing you any physical pain.
#was wannabelife#boofeine inbox#boofeine inbox: jeonghan#seventeen#fanfic#svt x reader#svt headcanons#seventeen smut#svt smut#jeonghan#jeonghan smut#jeonghan x reader
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Have
Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3
———
summary: to have and to hold 😉
note from author: think I might end it here bc I feel the next part I was planning ruins the journey they came on I don’t wanna do drama for the sake of it so send in other Randall requests and I shall obligeeeeeee. Ty for reading bbys.
warnings: 18+, smut, angst, idiots pining, oral( fem and male rec), penetration, not fully protected sex?, monsters ig, thoughts os situationships (scary Ik)
———
Mornings after a night of crying were always exhausting. Yawning you sleepily made your way to the kitchen, startled at the sight of something on the table.
Daisies.
They were everywhere in the forest. You were entranced by them when you walked through that day so much so that you failed to see him.
Him?
Surely not…
A loose scrap of paper with ‘thank you’ was strewn beside it.
It meant nothing.
Even if it was him it didn’t mean anything.
Right?
———
You steeled yourself and left to gather food you needed. You tried not looking at the bus but you couldn’t help yourself and there he was back to normal sulking inside like he hadn’t just been possessed by another malevolent spirit lurking in this hellhole.
But he was alive.
You’d stared too long and his eyes snagged yours. They lit up?
He scrambled out of the bus and you set off basket of vegetables full, they might as well as been rotting with the storm inside your chest.
“Y/N!” He exclaimed.
Heavy steps fell beside you as he peered into your line of vision.
Great. Last thing you needed to see was those deep eyes attempting to nudge a smile onto your face.
“I uh made you something” he awkwardly throws at you and you stop in your tracks heart clenching.
One awkward flourish later and his warm rough hand is placing it in yours.
You zone out as he makes a joke about how cold your hands are, it was a baby doe.
He’d carved you a baby doe.
How could he have known you liked them, that you saw one your first night here and it gave you a weird sense of peace. Did he ask Donna? Did he guess?
No, how could’ve he have known it’s nothing.
Because all acquaintances that have fucked carve tokens and leave flowers and dream-
Stop it you urge yourself. You smudge out the hope like chalk.
“Thank you” you cut plainly and continue marching back to your house where you could spiral alone.
He persists, “I just, I don’t know I figured I should get you something for looking after me when I was you know…” he trails off and you can’t help but turn to him. Your hands feel useless at your side and clutching your basket, you ache to caress him, comfort him just touch him.
“There’s no need to thank me” you give him a strained smile, “Plus Laine came to help so” you shrug.
His eyes squint, “The fucks she got to do with us?” He spits.
Us?
“What has your girlfriend got to do with her coming to look after you in the house of the girl you fucked without telling you had a girlfriend? I don’t know Randall beats me!” You could play this game.
He loses it, “The FUCK are you talking about Y/N?!”
You look at him incredulously, he had never spoken to you like this. Donna and Boyd sure, but you he reserved a different tone. You curled your and harder around the handle of your basket.
“When have I EVER showed ANY fucking interest in Laine? I mean the girl is obsessed with me! How the fuck is that my fault? Why the fuck are you punishing me for that” he laments.
Your head turns away in shame, cheeks flushing.
“You know I was coming here to tell you that I wanted more than…” he gestures between you wildly “this”.
Your head snaps back towards him and your eyes widen in shock.
“Randall I had no idea I-“
He continues, “I haven’t touched Laine ONCE and I don’t just eat out every girl I know in the woods” he heaves in a depth breath and concludes, “You know what I am DONE with these games”
It’s his turn to turn and stomp away, he swaggers all the way to the bus as you watch slamming the door closed.
You desperately wanted to go kiss it better. To say sorry and explain your heart was his from the moment you met. Yet blooming anger fills you, one moment you’re by the diner the next the basket is on the floor as you barrel your way to the bus.
You yanked the door open and storm on, he jumps from his seated sulk towards the back of the bus.
“MY GAMES?!” you seethe, “I was NOT the one entertaining someone else’s attention after we fucked and I am NOT the one staring you down constantly”.
You turn and hop down from the bus still fuming but somewhat satisfied, pausing you pop your head back in and give him a final indignant
“Fuck you”.
He watched you saunter off grabbing your basket.
Maybe you both weren’t done with these games.
———
You slammed your door behind you and dropped to the ground sobbing in frustration.
How dare he?! How dare he turn up and force these emotions out of you, this passion , this desire, this anger. Your life before had here felt cold and sterile he had set it alight.
Your bed was as cosy as it had been before you left and you allowed yourself back into that warmth. Eyes closing with his smirk outlined, clutching a wooden statue he’d made just for you.
———
Jolting awake you check the only marker of time here and the sky is pitch black, fuck this is why you stopped naps here.This sudden winter meant earlier and longer nights with those things. Foolishly your heart thought of Randall out there alone with a full view of them. Would it be too forward to ask him to stay with you? Yes, note to self do NOT ask him to stay with you.
You creep downstairs with lights off the last thing you needed was those things tormenting you. An all nighter it was.
A peek outside offset your night’s plans.
A goat, the same one Randall had attempted to steal.
Fuck.
The town was on the edge of turmoil with rationing causing discord, this was the last thing you needed. In the distance you saw Boyd, Tian Chen, Jade and Victor rounding up a whole herd of animals.
Shit.
Grabbing your shoes you threw them on and ran out without a second thought.
Donna was going to kill you. If the monsters didn’t catch you first.
“What the fuck are you guys doing?!” You hissed.
“Y/N we can’t afford to lose the animals you KNOW that” Boyd hisses back
You sigh grabbing a goat and attempting to lead it towards the barn.
A great monotonous beeping sounds as you notice the monsters appear.
Randall was warning you guys.
Fuckkkkkkkkkk.
Out of the corner of your eye you see Julie, Sara and Ethan fleeing the back of their house.
“Boyd!” You gesture towards them.
“Go, we got this” he commands
You hesitate.
“Go!” He yells.
A grip on your upper arm springs you into action your head snaps ready to scream only to see a furious face looking down at you.
Randall.
You gesture towards Julie, Sara and Ethan and his face softens. You both start yelling at the pointing to the bus , they’re closer so they hop on just in time as an monsters start tapping on the door.
Shit.
You’re stuck between the bus and the escaped animals, goat still bleating at your feet.
Randall notices your gaze and scoops down grabbing the goat. They were coming towards you now.
“Come on!” You yell, sprinting towards your house.
You look behind and commit the image to memory for when you life isn’t in immediate danger. All 6ft of Randall’s stocky build and stern face is cradling the goat he’d tried to steal.
Yanking your door open to let him in he drags you with him, he drops the goat you watch it dally off to settle on your sofa as he locks the door and checks the stone sighing.
“Wait here” he states. Confused and breathless you wait for him and realise he’s sweeping the house. He strolls back to you and sensing your panic reassures you, “All clear”.
You jump at the distant shouts and he grabs your shoulders, “Come on let’s go upstairs”
Cracking a smile you nudge him, “You think I’m that easy huh? Gotta do more than save a gals life around here bud”. You chuckle.
He sighs, smile twitching at his lips.
His lips look as smooth as they did that day.
———
He pauses at your door, seeming to be somewhere else. Gently grabbing his shoulder he jumps, “Sorry, it’s just it reminds me of… well you know” his lip curls.
“We can sleep on the sofa?” You offer gently.
“We huh?” He quirks a brow smirking as his eyes stare hungrily at you.
“I’m sorry, I mean we can sleep separately I just didn’t think of it I guess” you whisper shamefully.
He pushes past you and flops on the bed fully clothed, “All good princess, you know me I don’t mind” he folds his arms under his head muscles taught. Your fingers buzzed at the thought of brushing over them. You zone out staring as he talks, “I mean it’ll be nice not having those creeps staring in”. His jeans emphasised his crotch and thighs, the were pulled taught. He wore a plain white shirt that was stupidly tight with the way he was stretching, you lustfully trace his peeping happy trail with your eyes tracing back to the shape of him.
“Like what you see?” He jokes very pleased with your reaction.
“Shut up” you turn to shuffle through your clothes scouring for pyjamas. You pause, what was he gonna wear?
“Not to be a neat freak of anything but are you really gonna wear your outside clothes and hell even your jeans to sleep”
“Sorry I didn’t bring matching pyjamas princess I didn’t have time to pack much for here”
He’s deflecting, great!
Guilt sank in as you realised he couldn’t wear anything but clothes on the bus, no with them watching.
“Take off your clothes” you sigh
Sitting up on his elbows his eyes darken as he takes in your clothes, well you’d supposed he was imagining what was under your joggers and jumper.
He juts his chin towards you in a ‘come hither’ gesture.
“Come help me taken ‘em off baby” he smirks softly at you.
You sigh and point your finger sternly at him as you drift towards him as he stands.
“I didn’t mean it like that, i mean you can relax in here without being seen by them” you pause “Nothing like that is happening until we figure this out” you finish gesturing between you.
Eyes softened he gazes at you, “sure” he whispers without a trace of conceit.
Not breaking eye contact your cold hands slide under his shirt smoothing against his naked chest. Shivering a smiles down at you tilting his head, “Need me to warm you up baby?”. You play along moving closer watching his breath hitch and his smile drop you bite your lip reflecting back feelings not too dissimilar to your own before you tug the t shirt over his head trapping him and cracking into fits of giggles you watch as he squirms.
“What was that for?!”, you can’t do anything but shrug and laugh at his exasperated escaped face.
“Right, that’s it” his eyes light up with a spark you attempt to run as you realise his intention. It’s too late he grabs you and throws you onto the bed, your laughs grow louder and he grins he’d never heard or seen you so relaxed.
Your faces were level his arms on either side of your head, tension seeps into the moment. An unconscious pull urges you to sit and just kiss him.
Pushing it down u push him up hands going to his belt, “Bedtime!” you announce.
“Atleast buy me a drink first” he grins down, a glare sent back up to him shuts him up.
Both your breathing grows heavy as you slowly undo his belt and unzip his jeans hugging them down you spare a glance up at him as he is close to drooling watching you.
You press your thighs together squirming.
He snaps out of it returning to his quips, “So have you got some special two-piece just for me honey?” he tilts his head watching you flap around your room hunting for something to wear.
He can read you like a book, “Just wear this”.
You relent and turn to throw on the t shirt you’d just trapped him in, sneaking a glance over your shoulder you see he’s awkwardly staring away studying the charms of your room. It’s your turn to tease him, “What nothing you haven’t seen before”.
He turns freezing as he sees how his shirt fits you, in your opinion it’s tight in all the wrong places. To him it’s definitely the right places.
He shrugs and advances towards you hand gripping your waist and a chaste kiss to your forehead, “Suits you” he mutters.
He’s gone towards the bathroom as soon as he caressed you so casually, “You got a spare toothbrush?!” he yells.
———
One explanation of your mint leaf paste later (toothpaste ran out in town alarmingly quick), and you’d awkwardly shuffled into bed beside him.
Silence finally envelops the room and you begin to hear it.
Tapping.
Whispering.
Scratching.
Breath hitching you hike to covers further over your head, eyes scanning the room and heart palpating.
He notices as always, “Hey, hey you okay??” a strong arm slides beneath your head pulling you closer. You look up and he puts it together, “I’m used to it by now, don’t have much choice with the bus”.
“I’m sorry” you turn into him hand resting against his chest. A warm calloused hand swans up and envelops yours, it gets pulled up further brushing his lips.
His face screws up on the verge of releasing something so you use your other hand in an attempt to smooth out his creasing brow.
“Fuck it” he huffs.
“I felt something the moment i saw you when i was stepping off that bus and i tried to push it down and just stay away from you but it felt like fate, this town, I don’t know kept pushing you to me” he breathes looking in your eyes for approval “I started asking people about you, your name, if you were I don’t know seeing someone. I saw you with kenny and i was stupidly angry so i entertained Laine hitting on me and when i saw that you maybe felt a fraction of the way i felt i knew i had to tell you i just-”.
You cut him off with a crushing kiss hoping it could convey just a fraction of what you felt.
Pulling back your eyes search hims, he just smiles pulling you to straddle him and pulling your head to kiss him deeply.
Nipples hardening as he pulls the covers back and he soothes it by sliding his hand under the shirt to pinch your nipples. Groaning on top of him you push your hips into his groin, grinding to relieve to burning desire building.
The kisses grow slower as your evident desires consume you both.
Pulling back he searches your eyes unsure, “Look i don’t want you thinking that everytime we’re alone we gotta..” he trails off and you smile.
“I mean we don’t gotta” you hand trails to his waistband, his cock stains painfully begging to be released.
You oblige.
“But I want to”
All softness as you kiss you way down to his happy trail. You look up and he is mesmerised, a sudden flush of awkwardness envelops you.
“Is this um okay?”
“More than” he smirks down at you, hand cupping your cheek and stroking almost thanking your mouth before it even touches him.
Holding yourself back from making this moment sink away you kiss his leaking tip as soft as you can like it could shatter from your plush lips.
Hand caressing his velvety shaft you go slow hoping the cock sucking says ‘Hey Randall I think I love you and you were put here for me to love in any way I can so take this form of love for now!’, one step at a time I guess.
Focus.
Eyes flashing back up to his you wrangle a smirk from your face as his mouth hands open the sight of you sucking his tip gently and stroking his turgid shaft too much.
Maybe you can kick it up a gear.
Cupping his aching balls you release your mouth from his cock with a pornographic ‘pop’. Lying your head on his tensed thigh and continuing to cup his balls you gaze up through hazy lashes and let words slip from those lusty lips. “Your cock looks so good baby, so hard for me?”, he can do nothing but enthusiastically nod at you eyes full of adoration as you tease him. Hand leaving his balls you let a finger swirl around the slit of his hot swollen head and it’s your turn to transfixed. He’d not been inside you yet and the thought send a flood of heat to your aching pussy. He reaches down and pulls your chin to look at him, “Come here” a curt command thrown down at you.
Crawling back up him he watches every move and as you lean to kiss him he stops you. His calloused hand squeeze up your waist admiring the way his shirt fits you, your nipples protruding from the cold he pinches them harshly and breathes in your pleasured gasp.
“You like that huh?” he challenges, hands moving down to grip your ass cheeks. Shocked he laughs, “You’re not wearing fucking panties baby, we gotta do something about that”. His thumb is rough and warm against your throbbing clit, seemingly with a mind of its own he lets it move in smooth rough circles. You arch into him. “Come here please baby I need to taste you”, you lean in intending on giving him a crushing kiss. He stops you again. “No baby come sit on my face”.
Your lips part and your body starts moving before your mind can cut through the haze his words spill you into. He kisses your pussy so softly you could cry, you do cry. You whine, arch into him and brace your hands on the headboard. Pussy aching and throbbing he gives you just what you needed. Sloppily nudging his nose into you clit and kissing your pulsing hole he smiles at your sweet calls out to him and the fact you are somehow getting wetter. He can’t help but grab his cock and harshly tug it morning into you. Hips moving wildly he uses his hand on his lower back to encourage you moaning “Yes baby” into your tensing pussy. You come on his face with a low long moan, his cock twitches at the sound.
He needed more.
Helping you off he takes in your glow your blushed cheeks, swollen lips and smile.
“What?” You ask apprehensively.
He smiles and grabs your cheeks kissing you softly. Pushing back you roll your eyes and tease him, “You gonna fuck me or what?”.
You turn and arch your dripping pussy up to him an offering. A lusty haze started to set over him before he falters. He wanted to your face as you squeezed his cock, your blushed cheeks, your smile.
You.
“Could we um, do it missionary?”, scratching the back of his head he sees you turn around and grin at him once again trying to push away the sincerity.
“You got a crush on me big boy?” You jest.
He play along, seizing you as you squeal and rolling rapping you under him and just gazing at you.
“Matter of fact I do, you gotta problem with that sweetheart?” He croons.
You feel as though you are throwing up your heart. It jumps in your throat your face drops and you shake your head, “No” you whisper.
His face smooths over a stupid smile settling over and he replies by kissing softer than he ever had. Lips ghosting against each other.
A soft confession.
Both falling back into lengthened kisses you whine and arch into him, “Please baby, please”.
“Shit, do you have a condom?” panic seeps through his voice and you giggle, “Don’t need one I’m one the coil, thanks for asking though” you press a sickly sweet kiss against his cheek.
Taking pity he lines himself up and slowly sinks in to the hilt. He sighs, head dropping against yours, waiting he staring into your every letting your pussy flutter and adjust against his thick cock. You are tight and warm and oh so welcoming, “I don’t know how long I’ll last baby-fuck” he explains in a whine his cock twitching inside you before he’s even moved.
“I don’t know either baby, just let go you feel so good” you reassure him and he does as commanded. He fucks into you softly eyes never leaving yours. He has to hold back cumming as you fucking grin when he hits the right spots. You little whines and gasps are what he has been waiting to hear and he occasionally sucks them in through a searing kiss uncaring of who hears. He drops a hand to roughly flick your engorged clit swollen from his cock and skin rubbing against it. You let out an elongated moan and he groans into you unable to hold back his own pants and groans.
You were close and you needed to watch him come so you urged him on legs wrapping around his hips bringing him impossibly close. You’d stopped exchanging words as you both plummeted towards your highs. Everything went white as your orgasm snapped and tore through you, you’d only had a handful of full body orgasms a day only ever with you vibrator. You could’ve sworn you were floating, fingers and toes buzzing, pussy pulsating and twitching around his twitching cock. You regained sight and watched him moan and writhe hips stutter against your still engorged clit.
You can’t help but laugh as another wave of pleasure ricochets through you soft as satin.
———
Spent and out of breath you both lie there and turn towards each other at the same time and do nothing but laugh. Once your giggles die down he rises coming back with a warm wet towel to clean you with he chucks it on the floor and looks at you with his ever intense stare.
“What are we?”, you burst out.
“What do you mean?” his confused face looking down as he strokes hair from your face.
Heart sinking it washes over your face. Were you right? He didn’t want anything serious, had he faked the very look in his eye he dared to give you even now.
Reading your hurt he attempts to explain, “Look my folks never were always just together you know? Like no girlfriend boyfriend shit they were just together”
“Okay so, we’re like….” trailing off you muster all the hope you can.
“Together” he finishes, “We’re together”.
You smile and kiss for what feels for forever and fall asleep wrapped up in each other. He was comfortable for the first time since being in this town, maybe in his life. And you didn’t even register the knocking and scratching that occurred all night long, the sound of his heart that you now knew was beating for you was all that mattered.
Leave it to him the interrupt that peace, he’d been lying awake holding something in.
“It was me that left the flowers and the note” he bursts out nervously.
“I know dummy” you mutter tired, “go back to sleep” you mutter angrily accompanied by the soft bleats of your new pet downstairs.
He falls asleep with a shit eating grin.
———
#randall kirkland x reader#randall kirkland#from epix#from fanart#from fanfiction#from mgm#fromville#donna raines#faniction#from tv#fypppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp#fyppage#fanfic writers#fanfic rec#fanfic#smut requests#smut#light angst#angst#from tv series#masterlist#tumblrfyp#writers on tumblr#tumblr girls#tumblr fyp#fypシ゚viral#fypage#fanfic request#headcanons#randall from
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#the way this fucking job is tanking my mood#and has been every day since i've been back from vt#i don't have the patience to deal with authors in different timezones NOT answering my emails and NOT understanding what we're doing#during a LIVE EVENT tomorrow#bc the email my bosses sent out in my absence (because i was fucking graduating) did NOT detail what the fuck we were doing#so now it's up to me to make sure he knows what we're doing#before we do it in the afternoon in front of other people#all while i'm AT MY OTHER JOB and trying not to let anyone notice that i'm DOING SOMETHING ELSE#and also hey don't send me a new chapter of your book that i just finished editing like#you don't give me that until it's YOUR. TURN.#edits are a TURN SYSTEM babes#maybe not other places but it sure is for me#bc i have been 'at work' one way or another since 7AM today and i'm exhausted and#i want to be able to volley it over to you and say YOUR TURN and then not have it be my problem for like.#a day. a whole gd day of it not being my issue#but NOW IT'S MINE AGAIN#you made it so i can't go to sleep bc now i'm going to be getting my boy scout badge in knots and ulcers in my fucking stomach#bc nothing is ever thought out here at all#and also it's my fault that we're 'behind' bc I HAD TO GRADUATE#bc i DARED to go away for ten days (and still be working editing above mentioned book) to graduate in#you guessed it: BOOKS#this is some cosmic joke wherein the punchline is i want to scream so loud i burst#and i hate it but i at least hope someone is laughing#del
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so anyway happy 2 yr anniversary to the most iconic moment in the som fandom, one that I still think about very frequently. ✨🫶🏻💅🏻
#firstkhao#firstkhaotung#first kanaphan#khaotung thanawat#gmmtv#my pookies ♡#jshdgjkdlsgd#i kid you not i crack up every single time i watch this#never gets old#iconic#the setup#the shoulder grab#khao stopping to chew#taynew exiting swiftly#foei freezing then rushing out#first panicking#khao being like its its ok bro we all have g*y thoughts sometimes#an iconic masterpiece ahead of its time#valuable piece of television#put it in a museum#my babies 😩#also im glad that absolutely nothing has changed bc playing kant has made first extra flirty and im here for it#his voices are louder than ever these days#cant believe its been 2 years
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this is not a comprehensive list
#in order from left to right (with explanations):#k on#(self explanatory. definition of moe.)#a place further than the universe#(theyre at least a little insane for going all the way to antarctica for funsies)#bocchi the rock#(good mix of insane and sweet. most of the insane parts come from bocchi herself)#nichijou#(literally so much happened all the time)#and asobi asobase#(they did do arson)#i haven't seen azumanga daioh or yuru camp and i never finished lucky star#but based on what i know abt the first two id put it... azumanga between bocchi and nichijou. and yuru camp with or after k on#and from what i remember abt lucky star its also just after k on#a bit quirkier but nothing ever really happens in it. as far as i watched. which is why i stopped watching LOL#but thats all assumptions and second hand knowledge so i figured i shouldnt actually include them unless i was SURE#i also thought abt putting asteroid in love in here too but that one is a bit more niche so i left it out#i also excluded any idol shows bc that feels like a different category. and would make this too long#sorry zombieland saga and love live....#i also excluded straight up yuri. this is more abt Hanging Out than romance. but some is allowed as long as its not the focal point#like kita in btr. shes very yuri but the show isnt about that#you could probably also put is the order a rabbit on here but idr much from that. i think i watched like 3 episodes umm 100 years ago#i also thought abt putting the highschool girls segments from daily lives of highschool boys here. but they arent in most of the show#tho theyd probably go between nichijou and asobi asobase. or maybe on par w nichijou#that one girl did almost kill the other two with a rock as im sure youve all seen
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"Angry robin" "violent robin" "misbehaving robin" shut up and accept my alternative; spunky Robin. Determined and head strong, can out-stubborn the Batman, has a strong moral-backbone and does what he thinks is right regardless of what anybody else says, Robin. Jason who was sassy and quippy and made crude jokes with a smile on his face. Jason who hid in Bruce's cape and whispered gossip to him. Jason who, if Bruce refused him something, could keep bothering endlessly until Bruce caved. And also dramatic Jason. If Bruce tells him no, it becomes a whole theatrical show; a monologue, a narration, embellishments, and falling onto the floor in his grief upon the fact his cruel father has denied him once again.
(Jason who has suffered through abuse and homelessness and poverty and starvation, who is the Fight out of Fight or Flight, who's built up defenses and walls and when pushed and triggered responds with the thing that's always protected him; anger. He's sweet and kind and funny, and when he sees a pimp hitting a prostitute he gets furious and responds with violence.)
#my dc posting#dc#jason todd#jaybin#im having so many thoughts abt jaybin and he is so important to me#in one fic he went on a hunger strike bc alfred didnt eat w them and did it for so long they had to compromise#i love a jaybin 100% willing to menace and bother batman until the man folds. as is his right#the thing abt jason's backstory is that it shows him unwilling to suffer for a home#ma gunn's is bad; he gets beat up and she tries to get him to help rob a place. so he leaves! and rats the whole thing out to batman#and shows up himself cus he didnt think he had been believed#and lets not forget the fact he hit batman with a tire iron and called him a 'big boob'!#the boy's got moxie!! let jaybin be crass and angry and sassy and flawed and traumatized without reducing him to 2d caricature of a 'troubl#d kid'#i dont like a jason who did nothing but use excessive violence and disobey orders and be cocky and all that shit#i like a jason who was. oh yknow. a complex person!! a child/teen who has been fucking abused!!!#you shouldnt erase the fact that jason's reaction/response to stressful situations and triggers IS anger#it's not an indication that he was always gonna become a criminal/red hood or whatever. get outta here w that shit#but like. let us not go so far in the other direction we forget to have him react and be affected by the abuse he's suffered#anyway. if anyone should be a drama-queen it should be jaybin. once he becomes truly comfortable w bruce he should dial it up to 11#a lot of red hood's appeal (to me&many others) is that he is an 'imperfect' victim. meaning he is angry and flawed and doesnt suffer quietl#but is loud and obvious abt it#so when i see jaybin written as the opposite its like. man whats that about#anyway. jaybin is good and cares and wants to help and protect people. and by god if i ever see anybody writing#him having arguments with bruce about the no kill rule WHILE robin again im gonna throw hands istg-#my tags are like a hidden treasure box. most of what i say is in here lmao
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As cute as satosugu is, it's SO important to me that no matter how much they loved each other (romantically or platonically idrc to argue w/ ppl) they did NOT tell each other. That they lost their chance bc they were young and strong and full of hope and they thought they had all the time in the world to tell the other how they felt, y'know, like how teenagers are supposed to feel about life. But they couldn't be together, they couldn't have each other's company the way they really wanted. Their youths were forcefully taken away from them their emotions that they were still not fully settled on forced out of their hands because they had bigger more grave things to worry about now. It's so important to me that they were always doomed no matter what.
#satosugu#like not even bc I like angst ir anything their youth is just... a small preview of the story as a whole#it's so important to me that even though they loved each other they left without ever being able to say it#bc they were so isolated and so traumatised and not given the time or tools to deal with it all that they would end up here no matter what#even if riko hadn't met her fate the way she did even if toji never showed up#something else would#because that's the terrible world they lived in and that's the future the elders have built for the next generation#bc everyone is doomed by the prejudice and arrogance of weak shitty dusty old people that would rather you be dead than give up their power#I have.... a lot of thoughts about satosugu and sukugo#like of course the only people that ever made satoru happy were people deemed too monsterous by jujutsu society#of course it was the rejects of the system that could even begin to understand his dehumanisation and maybe bring him out of the lonliness#like just... ughhhhhhh#I'm thinking about jjk again I'm gonna throw UP#they loved each other so much but they left each other with nothing but unresolved and unburied ghosts to no fault of either of them really#it was inevitable for them
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the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍
#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man#thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking#mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they#dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done#listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life#i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this#once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i#dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this#ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be#i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about#how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being#given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out#entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please#its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have#to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once#and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general#feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this#but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is#i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired#i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if#i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore#i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr#and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning#my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better#it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood#my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it#cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen#.vent#ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.
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Wait
Wait
If the sky is fake who’s to say that Celestia isn’t fake
Like yep sure it’s 3D modelled whatever bUT WHAT IF IT’S STILL FAKE. LIKE I’M SURE SOMEONE OUT THERE IN TEYVAT WOULD BE ABLE TO CONJURE A FAKE ONE UP NO PROBLEM
WHAT IF THE TRUE CELESTIA IS OUTSIDE AND RUINED-
(incoherent and long yapping in the tags bc I want to sleep and my head hurts)
#this is a very hear me out moment#I've already stated that I’d hate Celestia if I was living in Teyvat#bc a perpetually floating rock inhabited by gods nobody ever saw or heard from IS A RED FLAG HERE I SAID IT#AND EVERYONE IS SO CHILL ABOUT IT LIKE??? NONE OF Y’ALL WORRIED??? THAT THE MANAGER OF YOUR MANAGER (archon) NEVER SHOWS UP???#THAT THE ASSUMEDLY ALMIGHTY GODS MAY WAKE UP ONE DAY AND DECIDE nah annihilation time NOBODY IS WORRIED-#could not be me. could not be me I’d dig Teyvat right through to Khaenri’ah bc I’d be THAT paranoid#SECOND#Like ok Sustainer can have a nap time we all deserve it#but we literally obliterated a Divine Throne. And no alarms???? has gone off for the most Sus of the gods ever???#red. flag#something’s clearly not right#something’s very much. afoot. amiss. awry- (I’m going insane I need sleep)#SO#WHAT IF#THE CELESTIA AS WE SEE IT IS NOTHING BUT A FAKE OUT#AND THE TRUE CELESTIA IS INDEED IN THE SKY#BUT IN THE TRUE SKY#THE ONE BLOCKED OUT BY THE FIRMAMENT#AND THE SUSTAINER IS ON THE OUTSIDE SUPPORTING THE WHOLE SYSTEM#UNABLE TO WAKE UP/SYNCHRONIZE WITH TEYVAT#THAT’S IT that’S my theory now I shall finally go to sleep#genshin impact#genshin impact thoughts#afinna explores teyvat#genshin impact theory#genshin impact celestia#genshin impact teyvat#genshin impact 5.1#in my wildest dreams that won't come true bc we *know* Sustainer is alive on some level#in my wildest dreams there is a plot line in genshin that comes down to 'the gods that set out the rules are dead and gone and there was
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Guys will literally do anything other than admit that they. Yeah
#tide of consciousness#Sorry theres no reason for me to make a post if I'm not going to actually say it but I'm going thru it OK#I don't even know if I'm right! Maybe it's the wrong word and I'm lying and tricking myself and lying 👍 sooo#Like I could be making it all up did you ever think of that? I could be making it up bc . Uh. You know. Reasons why you would make that up#When I type it out here it sounds ridiculous but I you have to understand that's what it's like in here#You can't just 'accept' things you have to go through the the 'making it up for attention' gauntlet first#And I type that and it sounds like I'm very self aware and being facetious but trust me I'm not I just know but it doesn't do anything#I type all of this to make fun of myself but I still genuinely believe this shit I'm typing#AHHH ! AH! QUIT IT.#The worst part is this is IDENTICAL to how I thought about being nonbinary for years. Which COULD AND DOES MEAN NOTHING !!!#AHHH AHHH AAAAAAAAA NO! no. It's fine.#:)) ^^ smile and itsr so fine#How does anybody do it . Why would you WANT to do it. Surely everyone is burdened this way. Of course. Of course
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thrilling sequel to my poll from back in January
#I wish I was kidding about the eulogy one. I really wish I was#decisions decisions. who to chose#the people I actually like…?? or the people who like me?#these are so stupid I love making them.#bbge polls#bbge.text#more info on each#bc I want to yap abt em#1 - PLEASE return my calls… this girl was so kind and gentlemanly and we had suchhhh awesome chemistry#she goes to an Ivy League so it could be she’s just hella busy w work not ghosting me#I hope it’s that I really liked her :’)#2 - I actually did ask him out. kinda indirectly . and casually. too casually bc now neither of us have brought it up again#he makes me so happy to be around 😭 it makes me kinda emotional#he’s just like… sHOCKING and endearing and never the same#I love him unfortunately no matter what. as a human#3 - SAME FOR HERRRR OMG :( my beloved.#no one has ever been kinder to me maybe.#‘British’ is a downside here bc that means v long distance and . also bc I thought it would be funny to count as a point against her lol#we met during the summer and I miss being around her every day#4 - OKAY. we TOTALLY have chemistry and NOO ONE has acknowledged it. but it’s THERE every time we talk.#and I’ve never really had that w somebody before in this way idk 🫥#I accidentally referred to her as my ‘partner’ when our party members were teamed up together to do something and it was probably FINE but#it sounded so romantic I got embarrassed asf#she can probably tell I like her I don’t think I’m slick 😭😭#and I feel like she might like me too? or we just get along real well I’m not sure#bc we get along like. REALLY well#5 - I stare at her all the time… she is stunning. she writes great poems. soft spoken in this incrediblyyyyy endearing way#I worked up the courage to talk to her n get her number for WEEKS!!!! and then. nothing lol#6 - he’s a great conversationalist… and I know he’s single….. but he also likes Quentin Tarantino like. abnormal amounts idk#shit . I’m out of tags. for the rest uhhh use ur imagination bye :)
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its so embarassing likee. going to talk abt a feeling you have but you already know ppl will be like Oh that sounds like depression lol and its like. well yes . i know . trust me i am so aware i am depressed . but its still like a thing ive been thinking abt and wanting to talk abt but ik itll just be like Ok hun 👍. idk idk what response i would want tho ig FNFNFNF
#not anything serious i was just thinking how like. idk. this is gonna sound rly stupid#but for me personally like. sometimes. How do i phrase this without sounding rly evil#i think obv ppl can spend their money however they want but like. its kind of hard 4 me to grasp sometimes like. there r things that ppl#spend a lot of money on bc it makes them happy like umm. vacations or pets or hobbies or whathaveyou. and obviously thats fine but#i iust feel like its all so. temporary and like. idk. idt im ohrasing this right at all i just likee. the thought of working all year to#afford to take a vacation and then working again to afford another vacation just makes me feel like i want to die. like. idk... i like#vacations we dont need to go on them a lot but ig its just like. everything we do just feels like a waste of time. not in like a Ohh you#should be doing more work Obviously its just like. idk. maybe it is just me. but i feel like im just waiting until i die and can be done#with it i guess. and everything i do is just to fill time until that happens. yk ? which is silly bc of my whole. Thing i cant talk abt#but ppl talk abt like. going out and partying or going on vacation or whatever and i like. I like those things its nice when they happen#but they dont rly make me longterm any happier i guess. everything just feels like another thing im doing. idk. this rly isnt coming out the#way it is in my head. and Again i know this is just depression shit or whatever im just like. its all exhausting. it just makes me feel so#tired. to think abt working and working and working so i can pay to be alive and i can save to do one fun thing every so often to keep me#sane enough to keep working and working and working and i probably wont ever be able to retire itll just be. work. and then ill die. yk.#but i feel like the vacations and stuff dont like. refresh me very much. maybe its just bc ive only been on one 'vacation' as an adult and#it was just like. coming home to see my family. and realizing id have to move back home yk..#+ like. my mom nd my gran taking me out for a weekend when i lived up there#nd those things were nice and all but once its over its like. it doesnt fuel me to keep going it doesnt make me feel any better abt having#to work for the rest of my life#ik im being ridiculous bc im literally unemployed and i cant even get up off my ass to get my stupid fucking ged so i can get a job and be#Useful to my family its just like. idk.... i try so hard to be like Oh nothing mayters and thats why everything matters type thing like. Yes#all things end and the point is to just try to be happy until it does#but i feel like it just doesnt happen for me. i feel like any happiness i feel is so insanely like. it happens and then its gone. and its#back to just. the knowledge that im still fucking stuck here. and i will be until it happens. yk. i play video games tomoass the time until#i go back to sleep then i wake up and i make a spreadsheet to pass the time until i go back to sleep#and everyday just feels like passing the time until i go back to sleep and itll just keep going until it happens. and its nice to have nice#days but whats like. the point. yk. everything just ends#IDK. this is all very whiny im sry. ive just been feeling it a lot lately . i hope this doesnt feel like me being like Ohhh you ppl r so#dumb participating in hobbies and going out and having fun dont you know yr gonna DIE? thats not what im trying to be like#its just like. i feel like it doesnt make me as happy as it does other ppl like. none of it refreshes me or makes me want to keep going
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#these are just some thoughts re: friendship as a result of tonight that i need to jot down somewhere but#realising that i really do have a strict and set idea of Good Friend(ship) and what that entails to me#and id written people off bc i wasn't yk ~receiving love or friendship the way id prefer and i was angry with them for that/hurt about it#did i communicate that to them though? nooo. was i fully right in that? also no. like just bc i felt unheard didn't fully mean#that they were doing something wrong. they were trying in their own way (and sometimes they weren't really or it just wasn't nice)#but that's about how we match and how we communicate right? this is so silly that's so basic but it never fully clicked for me like this#i was blaming them for stuff and building up resentment without ever expressing that (and i still haven't yk dhshsjd)#and i think where i went ~wrong was in thinking that bc i felt that way they weren't ~giving me what i need#when it's like... but did i pick up on the ways in which they DID appreciate me and show me love etc? did i give them ANYTHING to work with?#(ok yes occasionally but also... tangent but i was watching a variety show and they were teasing woozi about how#he gives interviewers/hosts literally nothing to work with. like no extra information for them to ask about or tease him for or anything#and i was like ohhhhhh. yeah i do do that sometimes with friends and it's genuinely smth i don't really know how to do like#giving casual information (but not too much and not too little???) so they can then ask questions etc. so then if im like ughh#they never ask (the right) questions or show interest (or let me talk but that's a different thing dhsjdjd) it's like...#well do i give them the chance to? much to think about thank you woozi)#anyways where was i dhsjsnsnsjns idk but it's soooo annoying that i haven't figured this all out yet#but im slowly letting go off a bunch of resentment that has truly no business being here and im trying to self reflect and all that#and im honestly doing so shit some days but others days it's? finding stuff that matters to me on a deeper level ig?#and all of it really does pale in the face of multiple genocides and it's. but yk. if i want to keep fighting#i need to build a strong foundation and sort my shit out as well and be present so im really really trying#and beating my stupid stupid depression and brain with a stick until i get there
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me at 13: by the time im 30 i will probably be married and maybe have a kid but for sure i will be living in my dream city and have my dream job. and also a lot of money
me at almost 30: i think i will treat myself to a corn dog this weekend
#i want a corn dog so bad rn#ngl u guys im actually really struggling with turning 30 at the end of the year lmao#not lmao bc it really is bothering me which is so stupid i know I Know#but. and i know we're All struggling with this. but it's like god i have done nothing with my life#like fr. everyone says that but i literally have done nothing. ive never had a real 9-5 ive been freelancing since college#and tbh i guess that's not a bad thing? but self worth wise i feel like a complete loser.#but ive just made one mistake after another and i know that's what your 20s are for and u know what this is my tags and im not going#to keep contradicting myself i feel like shit bc i feel like shit and ive wasted my whole life thats that#i just feel like such a sham like i cant believe this is what 30 is like i on god feel like im still a teenager#not in a carefree kind of way OBVIOUSLY. which i never was anyway. but i just ?? feel like that#scary fucking episode of rugrats where tommy and chuckie become their dads and they go to work and theyre so fucked up bc#well theyre babies and they dont know anything. and even the fact that i just referenced rugrats to explain how i feel lmaooooo#relationship wise well u guys know how that is. and i truly couldnt care less about what people think about me not being in a relationship#ever and tbqh i dont give a fuck anymore either like. and here i go bringing this up again. but after my ex im like ok life truly is so#short fr i dont even care like anyway. anyway. the point is there is just no reality whatsoever where i pictured my life where i am now#once again living with the abusive relative i moved across the ocean to get away from.#no love life to speak of. fr dont care but god wouldnt it be nice to be loved fr.....#no career. living in a state i hate with all my heart. barely surviving money wise. which is everyone rn but#if i had known 10 years ago this would be my life i would have honestly killed myself.#like if i knew it would all turn out like this i wouldnt have moved i wouldve just fr killed myself and i wish i did lol#to be fair. i didnt see myself living past 18 but like. i just thought something would have saved me by now
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