#bc its making me question what I believed for the past month

[voronuu]

The Faraway Plushies

guys

im in a disc server and they're telling me that Faraway Kel sold out within an hour or more, and that Basil sold out in 5-10 minutes and Aubrey sold out before him but like but i remember Kel was like 25-29 minutes, Basil was an hour or two after that, then Aubrey sold out, and then Sunny.. Am I genuinely tweaking rn?? please tell me I'm not wrong here and these people are trying to gaslight me bro I hate being wrong with shit like this bc if I am then I js embarrassed myself Infront of a whole discord server.. Some other people on that server say that they think the HS plushies wont restock, or that they'll restock in April or January of 2025, is this true??

[end-orfino]

ahhhhhh i remember why i dont read comics & books and watch movies as much as I should. Because they make me lose it

[jemmo]

Making sense of love for love's sake: the game

Despite all the things i absolutely adore about how the plot unravels and expands in love by love's sake, upon first watch, there's some things i couldn't piece together, which @lurkingshan echoes in their post:

'The way the author was messing with Myungha and forcing cruel choices on him really does not track with a desire to help him find happiness.'

And to preface, this is not something i fully get yet either. I think i'll need a good month and a sizeable reading list of relevant resources to understand just what/who this author/sunbae is and what his role is and how he is associated with myungha. But as always with the best shows for meta (aka bad buddy), as a plot unfolds, you can always find a better understanding by looking backwards and re-contextualising what you've already seen. so i watched ep 1, specifically the scene between myungha and his sunbae at the bar. And i will talk about how everything said in this scene has a whole new meaning now we know the full story, but for now i wanna focus on that question that they keep coming back to; "Then... will you change it for him?".

When you watch the show for the first time, your brain follows the simplest, most obvious version of the story you're being told, one where myungha has been pulled into the world of his sunbae's novel that's being turned into a game and given the opportunity to fix the thing he didn't like about it; making yeowoon happy, and thus you just think the rules of the game are imposed by the author, and so when these cruel choices first come up, you see them as the difficult roadblocks that are nevertheless necessary to any kind of game, forcing the player to make an impossible choice so that the game can continue in a certain direction and its only after that you learn whether it was the right choice or not, or there is no right choice, it simply changes the game you are playing.

And when its revealed what this game actually is, at first i tried to interpret these cruel choices, namely the choice between yeonwoon and myungha's grandma, and at best i could come up with the concept of this being a choice between staying stuck to the past aka choosing his grandma, even though he knows that choice doesn't mean she's safe bc he knows the future where he loses here, its an inevitability, but thats the small happiness he knew before it was taken away and thus that happiness is known and safe, theres no risk, versus choosing to pursue a new happiness, a love of yeowoon and thus himself, which he doesn't know, he hasn't experienced yet, and could be risky. Its a happiness that isn't guaranteed like his grandma, but its a happiness that looks to the future and has hope in it that he can find a new happiness to pursue despite what has happened in his past.

And that fits nice, okayish. But then i watched ep 1 and heard that question "Then... will you change it for him?" And watching through the rest of the eps, we come back to this scene at the bar and each time we get a new run up to the author asking this question, either new dialogue is added or we hear a different piece of the conversation entirely. It starts at the beginning of ep 1 as:

"Because Cha Yeowoon is the only one who's miserable." "It can't be helped that some people's lives are like that" "The fact that some people are destined to live that kind of life is what's vile."

Then a bit later in ep 1 we go back and its expanded.

"It can't be helped that some people's lives are like that" "The fact that some people are destined to live that kind of life is what's vile." "Why? Do you think you'd write it differently?" "Yes, definately. Someone like Cha Yeowoon, or someone like me with an awful life, can also be happy."

And then all the way on in ep 6, we get this new dialogue.

"I don't like talking about destiny." "Why?" "Because it means everything is predestined." "Then do you not believe in fate?" "Fate and destiny are the same. My grandma likes to say that. She said life is like a written book, and how you'll live and die are written in it. (...)I don't like things like this. Even if fate is already destined, I think it can still be changed. Otherwise, there's no point in trying." "Really? Then Myungha..."

And while we don't hear the author ask the same question, I feel like him getting cut off like that insinuates that the conversation leads to that same ending point. All that is to say, every time we hear this question being asked, its like we learn more and more about what this whole thing is, what the game is, what myungha is saying he will do by agreeing to do what the author asks. And every time, we see myungha being more defiant against the idea of yeowoon being resigned to his miserable ending. He starts off thinking that kind of life is destined, and while it's miserable, its not something he can fight. Then he says he'd want to write the story differently, bc yeowoon, or even him, could be happy. He challenges the idea that yeowoon, and thus himself, is fated to be miserable, and opens up the possibility for happiness for them both, but doesn't yet have the means or resolve to do it, its like he knows its possible on a fundamental level, but doesn't see it as something he can actually achieve. But then we circle back to the idea of destiny and books, both of which came up in the previous quote, and seems incredibly pertinent seen as this whole thing is about a novel this author has written. Myungha talks about how he hates the idea that life is a book where everything written is predestined to happen, from the moment you live to the moment you die. He says "Even if fate is already destined, I think it can still be changed. Otherwise, there's no point in trying." That vile way of life he described before that he said was destined, he is now saying it can be changed, and that possibility is now something he's holding onto, its what he sees hope in so that he can keep trying, bc now he finally is trying, he has the resolve, he's trying to realise this thing, this impossibility of rewriting the life he thought was destined through the way he loves yeowoon.

And coming back to those cruel choices, given this fresh context, it made me think. bc this isn't actually a game that myungha has been put into where the rules are dictated by an author completely separate from him. He said himself, he'd rewrite it, he'd change things for yeowoon. And when you start to think of it less as him fighting against a rigid, removed system and more like him being a character in a story he is trying to rewrite himself, that has both the author and his own limitations, or just his own if you're in the school of thought that the author is some figment or part of myungha himself or his conciousness, then you can start to see where these cruel choices might come from. They could be myungha, the author making edits to this new story, imposing his own doubts and limitations on himself. When he says he has to pick between Yeowoon and his grandma, what if that's the new author myungha seeing this story unfold and thinking no this isn't right, he can't have it all, i'm not deserving of this much happiness.

And what makes me like this idea even more is that when we get that second choice between ending after 14 days or getting 100 days back at the cost of resetting Yeowoon's affection to 0, that whole conversation happens in what I think the bar actually is which is this frozen moment in time where myungha is in the water with this extension of a voice in his head that is talking through these things. That conversation in itself needs its own post, but when you look at it both as a decision to break up or not or a decision to hold onto life or not, you can see how the author is just this soundboard relaying the decisions myungha is going through in his head. The author's voice is his own, weighing up his decisions. And if he is the author here, it only reinforces that the person making the rules of this game is him. You can even extend it further to the idea of the debuffs, where he puts in place this thing that makes it so he causes harm to yeowoon when he's around, and its only by garnering affection that he can prevent it. He gives himself a reason from the get go to stay away from yeowoon and reason it as him doing it for yeowoon's safety, when in fact the only way to make yeowoon safe is to increase his affection, which he can only do by being near him. Its a system that at first gives myungha a reason to stay away aka not like himself, but ultimately says the only way you're going to make yeowoon like you, or the only way you can like yourself, is if you accept risk. And that in itself screams to me of a myungha writing in these game systems that are trying to encourage his own-self love while falling at the hurdle of his own lack of self-worth.

The idea is still messy in my head even for me, but i just really like the idea that myungha could be trying to fix this thing both as a character and game master, and that both these versions of him have these flaws that manifest in their different ways to cause the events we see. It kinda is the definition of being your own worst enemy, the idea that in order to work towards loving yourself, the biggest obstacle you have to encounter is yourself, bc we are the ones holding ourselves back, making all these rules that make it harder to like ourselves and pursue our own happiness. The voices in our head telling us that we aren't good enough and aren't deserving are our own, and while the things that happen to us can inform what they say, we're the one's reinforcing those words. And what this show teaches us is that, if we're the one holding that pen all along, we can choose to change what those words are. If we make the rules, you don't have to create a game with concrete ultimatums, you can create a game where rules don't control you. Instead, you make the decisions, and you can make the ones that make you happy.

[forever-rogue]

Howdy, friend. I’ve been stewing for months trying to think of a fluff request to send you, but I’ve come up short bc I generally have smut on the brain. But I think I did find something!

Eddie, not really knowing how to about telling you how he feels, does something extravagant for your birthday—the first birthday he’s been around for? 👀

AN | Eddie would absolutely plan the best birthday ever! Enjoy 🥰

Warnings | None

Pairing | Eddie x Fem!Reader

Word Count | 2.7k

Masterlist | Main, Eddie 

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

"I can't believe you didn't tell me," you looked up from the book you were reading and found Eddie dramatically throwing himself onto the couch. He hadn't been bothered to knock before letting himself into your apartment. You loved that you were both on that level of friendship, "I thought what we had was special."

"Umm…hello to you too?" You bookmarked your page before tossing the book onto the coffee table, "what was it that I didn't tell you?"

"Your birthday," he hissed, lifting his head up and glaring at you from between his messy curls, "you didn't tell me it was next week!"

"I wasn't aware that I had to," you giggled at his dramatics as he scoffed at you. You known him for almost a year now but this was the first birthday of yours that you were spending together, "its not a big deal, Ed. I don't really do much for my birthday normally. It's just another day."

"Another day?" He sat up and clutched at his heart as he shook his head, "I can't believe you're saying that surviving another year of life is no big deal. It's like…a huge deal."

"Eddie," you got up from your comfy, overstuffed armchair and sat down next to him on the couch. He had such a big heart and always showed his love for those around him - it was one of the most endearing things about him, "you are so sweet and lovely, truly. But I don't need anything fancy. Just having you in my life is plenty."

He looked at you with a lopsided grin that was nothing short of magical. You put your hand on his knee and gave it a gentle squeeze. He sighed softly, nudging your side with his elbow and hoping you wouldn't notice the bubblegum hue of his cheeks, "I like having you in my life too, princess. A lot."

If only you knew just how very much.

"Good," you stood up and stretched, unaware of how closely he was watching your every move, "glad we're on the same page. Now come, I was gonna watch make hot chocolate and watch a scary movie. You in?"

"As if that was ever a question," he bounced to his feet and followed after you eagerly, "wait - do you have any mini marshmallows?"

"Duh. I'm not a monster."

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Eddie wasn't exactly sure what he was going to going to do for your birthday but he knew he was going to do something. It would be something big and all out. He had to let you know how he felt, or at least strongly suggest. He wasn't sure how much longer he'd be able to be just your friend.

Quite frankly, he'd fallen in love with you a long time ago. Probably when he'd met you that night at the bar. The two of you were strangers, both new to New York and without friends. He'd been the first man you'd met that hadn't made you feel uncomfortable and the two of you clicked instantly. You'd quickly become best friends.

But along with that, Eddie had learned about your past heartbreak, including the one that had left you unsure of ever wanting another relationship. That was largely the reason Eddie had made sure to keep things on a friendly level. He didn't want to push you away. 

Now though, he couldn't hold it back any longer. He longed to hold your hand, to kiss you and touch. Everything - all of it. He wanted it all with you.  Despite all the baggage you insisted you had, Eddie wanted you and only. He had lots of baggage too, that's what he always reminded you of. But it didn't matter - you had each other.

You could tell that he was up to something, he’d been acting weird. And that was saying a lot for Eddie. You tried to ask him a few times but he never admitted to anything, and kept insisting that everyone was fine and normal. Peachy. 

Internally, meanwhile, Eddie was anything but peachy. He was busy trying to plan the best birthday ever. It wasn’t that you didn’t want to do anything for your birthday, it just had never been  a big deal for you. As long as you were surrounded by the people you loved and cared about, all was well. This year, you’d realized, it would be different - you didn’t have a ton of friends in New York (save for Eddie of course) and your family was scattered. You didn’t really have any plans or intent to make any plans. You’d have been happy with heading home after work and enjoying some takeout or pizza from one of your favorite places and watching a movie. Preferably with Eddie, but you weren’t going to force anything on him. The last thing you would ever want to do would be to chase him away.

“Eddie?” you cut through his thoughts when you waved your hand in front of his face. The two of you were out at dinner, hitting up your usual weekend spot. He blinked a few times before properly looking at you, “you alright there, space cadet?”

“Mhmm,” he grabbed a big bite of his pasta and shoved it in his mouth, chewing carefully and thoughtfully in order to have a moment to think of what to say to you. You set your own fork down and picked up your beer, drinking the rest of it while staring Eddie down. He was not getting away with his odd little behavior any longer - not that you thought he had anything to hide of course. 

“Mhmm,” you repeated slowly as he swallowed thickly, “what’s up, Eddie? You’ve been acting so on edge this week. Did something happen?”

“No! No,” he calmed down, face warming up as you raised an eyebrow at him, “I was just thinking about your birthday.”

“My birthday,” you repeated as he nodded like you were the crazy one for not making a bigger deal out of your own birthday, “what about it?”

“I just wanted to know if you had any plans and if you didn’t if there was something you wanted to do,” your heart constricted at the sweet smile on his face as you blinked back the stinging at the back of your eyes. No one had ever been as considerate about Eddie, “I don’t want to intrude or just assume that you’d even want to hang out with me but yeah.”

“Of course I want to spend time with you, Eddie. I always want to spend time with you,” you reached across the table and put your hand on top of his and gave it a gentle squeeze, “but just to be clear, I don’t have any plans and I’d love to spend the day with you.”

“O-oh,” his doe eyes grew wide as he let what you had said sink in, “wow. Cool. Is there anything in particular you want to do? Any ideas or requests?”

“I don’t need anything special,” you shook your head sweetly, “just wanna spend time with you, that’s all.”

“Sweetheart,” he huffed dramatically in that very Eddie way that you adored. You laughed softly as he leaned in, “you realize that I’m not going to let that happen, right?”

“Yeah,” you leaned, so close that you could almost kiss him - and you wanted to. You really wanted to. But you couldn’t just go ahead and do that. Not now….but maybe one day, “I know, Eddie.”

“Good,” he reached up and gently booped your nose which only caused you to giggle. He loved that sound way too much - it always made you feel a certain type of way, “I shall plan the day’s festivities then and your only job will be to attend. If you would happen to be agreeable to this of course.”

“I am more than agreeable,” you promised. You had a feeling that somehow this was going to be the best birthday ever. Even just the sheer fact of getting to spend it with Eddie was more than enough. 

If only you knew that Eddie felt the exact same way. 

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

When Eddie had said that he had a great day planned for your birthday, he hadn’t been kidding. Since it was the weekend, you both had the entire day to spend together. It started early in the morning with Eddie coming over to your apartment to take you out to see the sunrise, followed by breakfast at your favorite brunch spot. Normally you wouldn’t have been such an early riser but you had to admit that there was something magical about being up early with only Eddie around and watching the beautiful colors shift and bloom on the horizon. 

After that it was a day of adventures with running around the city, trying to put together the puzzles of the scavenger hunt that Eddie had put together. Because of course he had - it was just a very Eddie thing to do. Eddie was thoroughly amused watching you run around and try to figure out his cryptic riddles. It was even better when your face lit up with each piece that you put together and all the treasures you found along the way.

The day ended up with the two of you outside of the city, at a small restaurant that had a perfect view of the sunset. It was such a sweet gesture and felt incredibly romantic and it definitely settled something within your soul. 

“I don’t think I could have imagined a better day than this, Eddie,” you whispered softly, his eyes reverent and tender as he looked you over. Truthfully, he couldn’t quite have imagined a better day either, “this was really wonderful. No one’s ever done anything this thoughtful for me before.”

A comfortable silence fell over the two of you as you ate in silence, exchanging shy glances every now and then. Something between the two of you had definitely shifted and while you weren’t quite sure what it was, it definitely felt good. After a little while, Eddie set down his fork and cleared his throat, capturing your attention.

“I have to get this out or I don’t think I’ll ever be able to do this,” your eyes widened in surprise as you tried to figure out what Eddie could possibly be referring to. Your mind immediately went to the worst and you were sure that he was going to find some way to end your friendship. You had no clue what you’d do without him - he’d become such a huge part of your life. Honestly, he was probably the singular most important part of your life. 

“Eddie?” your eyes started to tear up when he didn’t say anything for a few moments. He seemed to be looking anywhere but your eyes…until he finally found the courage to. It was hard to read what was in those pretty brown eyes, but you didn’t detect any malice. That was good at least, “what is it?”

“I…” he ran a hand through his curls and let out a low sigh, “I’m in love with you.”

Time seemed to stand still as his words rang around in your head over and over. You tested out every possible meaning of his words. But then it hit you that there was only one - and there was always only one - possible answer.

“Oh,” you blinked at him and his cheeks warmed up as he tried not to panic because of your lack of a full response, “oh.”

“I-I know that you said you have a lot of baggage and umm don’t necessarily want another relationship,” he stammered nervously, letting out a nervous chuckle, “and I’d never want to pressure you or anything to have a relationship or anything more, but I just wanted you to know. It felt wrong not to tell you, like I was being dishonest with you and myself.”

“Eddie-”

“I hope this doesn’t make things awkward between us,” he whispered. He was slowly starting to feel like this had been the wrong decision, “I, umm, you’re just so amazing and I love everything about you and I-I-”

“Eddie.”

“I know you say you have baggage and I have it too and I just…there’s no else I could imagine doing this with,” he was stammering so nervously now that it was nothing but endearing. It still felt like a bit of a wild dream - you’d always imagined that you’d be the one in his position, spilling your guts out to him, “I want to spend my life with you. I want to share all our baggage, no matter how heavy. I just…love you a lot.”

Your lips pulled into a pout before you let out a small sigh. Before you could say anything, you took his face in your hands, brushing your thumb over his cheek before pressing your lips to his and kissing him gently. When you pulled back he looked at you in pure shock and surprise. You couldn’t contain your little giggle of nervous excitement as he pulled himself back to reality. 

“So…umm,” he waved his hands around nervously as he had a tendency to do, “wow. Did you really do that? Did that happen?”

“Yes,” you laughed softly, resting your forehead on his shoulder, “that actually happened, Edward.”

“Does that mean that you might feel the same way? About me?” you lifted her head and pressed a few kisses along his jaw. You put your hand on his neck, gently ghosting your fingers along his soft skin. You felt him practically shiver at your touch; he was watching your every move with curious, soft eyes. 

“Yeah,” a wistful little sound escaped your lips, “I do, Eddie. More than you could ever know. You mean the world to me, you silly, wonderful, amazing man.”

“Wow,” he couldn’t help himself as he leaned in and pressed a soft, tentative kiss to your lips. He could feel your lips pulling into a smile and that made him feel something he couldn’t quite put into words, “will you say it again? Please?”

“I love you, Eddie Munson,” you beamed at him, stomach flipping in happy somersaults, “I want you and only you - every last little bit. I thought I never wanted another relationship again. Turns out, I just had to be patient and wait for the right person - you.”

“Sweetheart,” he never realized until that very moment just how much he needed to hear those words. No one had ever said anything like that to him before, no one had ever chosen him like that - no one had ever loved him like you did, “fuck - I am going to marry the hell out of you one day.”

Your mouth dropped open and pulled into a sugary sweet smile. Of course Eddie would make a declaration like that - but you also knew that he was being serious. In his very own Eddie way, he’d just made a promise that you both knew he would keep. 

“Well, I’ll look forward to that,” you bit the inside of your cheek, “I hope you intend on making good on that promise.”

“Oh I will,” he threw his arms around you in a tight squeeze, giving you what might have been the best hug of all time, “I will. Happy birthday, sweetheart.”

“Thank you, Eddie,” you burrowed yourself into him as much as possible, melting into his gentle touch and warmth, “this has been the best birthday ever.”

“For now - I’ll make it even better next year!”

“I love you, Eddie.”

“I love you, birthday girl.”

[atinylittlepain]

hello bestie im back here again with a joel idea <33

ur smut is so fucking good but im in need of some nice fluff rn because I love the last of us but god that show is hard to watch i get so emotional its hard to keep watching sometimes

but for a fluff idea where the reader, joel, and ellie settle down in jackson and Joel begins to realize that he's happy again and he becomes unsure because he feels guilty about sarah but it ends happily bc its what all of them deserve

my darling, my comrade, thank you for bringing this idea to me. i hope i did it justice <3

gif by @maygrant

Good

Joel Miller x f!reader

joel miller masterlist

Stuck between the despair of the past and fear for the future, Joel struggles to accept the goodness he's found in the present.

warnings | 18+ angst, living with grief, lovely sweetness

..........................

“I still can’t believe that. All that time in FEDRA school and they never taught you how to swim?” Ellie huffs at that, stomping a little further ahead of Joel as she mutters.

“It’s not like we had a fucking pool to do laps in, old man. Give me a break.” He breathes out a laugh, glancing away from the kid and toward his woman as she falls into step beside him.

“No time like the present, kid. Gonna have you swimming like a pro by the end of the day.” He can’t help but smile at her words, and in anticipation of the spectacle that watching her teach Ellie how to swim is going to be. They had lucked out, all three of them having this perfect summer day off from class and shifts in town, and had packed up their day in rucksacks to hike out to the nearby lake with the promise that Ellie would finally learn how to swim.

Life has been– he won’t think the word good, not wanting to jinx anything– but maybe normal? They’ve been living in Jackson for a few months now, and he never thought he’d get used to things like running water and home cooked food ever again, but it seems like he has. Ellie goes to classes while they pick up shifts wherever they’re needed, and at the end of the day, they all come… home. He supposes it is home now, and that makes him nervous as hell. He knows better than most that the minute you get used to something in this world, it tends to disappear on you, and maybe that’s what has been making him hold his woman -  the same woman he crawled across the country with - a little closer when they go to sleep each night in their nice, comfortable bed. 

His thoughts have been swirling between these fears for the future, and a deep despair for the past. If he stays surface level, he usually concludes that he doesn’t deserve any of this, any of the smiles, the easing laughs with Ellie, the sweet press of his woman’s palm along his shoulders letting him know she’s still there. Not after everything he did to get by before. But if he needles past the last twenty years, he hits something that stings even more when he remembers that any happiness he gets, Sarah will always be gone. 

He’s starting to be pulled under by his mind as they continue hiking, but she keeps him buoyed with the way she tangles her fingers with his, offering him a smile as they near the lake. They all shrug off their packs in the grass, she and Ellie already toeing off their shoes. When he sits down with a groan, leaning back on his hands, she gives him a questioning look.

“You’re not coming in?” He squints up at her, the mid-day sun a halo around her head.

“Someone oughta keep lookout. You two go on.” Her mouth twists up, but she drops it with a shrug, pulling off her t-shirt to reveal the faded swimsuit she had managed to trade for along with Ellie’s. The kid is standing with her hands on her hips, looking out at the lake like she’s surveying a new planet. She sidles up alongside Ellie, slinging her arm over the girl’s shoulder and murmuring something about “proving the old man wrong” that makes her laugh, the worry scrunching up her face quick to relieve itself. Joel doesn’t even have time to be annoyed at what she called him, times like these making him quick to thaw, when the kid actually gets to be a kid. 

As she is in most things, Ellie is a quick learner, after some initial trepidation, and soon Joel’s watching the two of them dip and swerve through the water, the picture of grace in the clear summer heat. He smiles to himself, remembering how Sarah learned how to swim. Tommy bribed her into the rec center pool with the promise of a strawberry milkshake, and by the end of the day, Joel had to bribe her out of the pool with the promise of fries to go with said milkshake. The pain is quick to settle in at the memory. He finds himself bringing a palm to his chest, trying to rub out the ache even though he knows it won’t ever go away.

His attention is pulled away by Ellie hauling herself out of the lake, bending over and shaking her dripping hair out before plopping down next to him to rummage through her pack. He glances down at his jeans, now darkened by spots of water from her aggressive shake-off, before turning and quirking his brow at her. Already scarfing down her sandwich, she shrugs, mumbling through a mouthful.

“What? I’m fucking starving, man.” He shakes his head, trying to look annoyed, but failing miserably with the smile he can’t fight off.

“Language, kid. And you’re gonna have to wait a while after eating that if you wanna get back in.” Her brow furrows at that.

“Why?” 

“Because– because you– look, that’s just the rule, ok? S’what they always said– gotta wait a while after you eat if you wanna swim.” 

“Who’s they?” That makes him huff.

“I don’t know, alright? Christ, do whatever you want.” He knows it’s too harsh, but he’s having a hard time staying in the present when the past is hanging so heavy over him. He sighs, resting his arms over his knees and leaning forward, his gaze unfocusing into the grass.

“Joel?”

“Hmm?” He keeps his gaze hung low, just tilting his head slightly toward Ellie to let her know he is listening.

“Are you ok?” The question catches him entirely off guard, his head whipping around to look at her, his eyes squinted. 

“I’m fine.” Ellie mirrors his own expression, eyes squinting, mouth in a close line as she nods.

“You deserve to be ok, y’know? I believe that.” She just keeps surprising him, and he coughs hard, trying to clear the tightness in his throat before he responds.

“I know, kid. Thank you– I’ll be ok.” She nods again, seeming to accept his answer as she looks back out at the lake. His eyes follow, seeing his woman, floating on her back with a serene look on her face, her arms lightly swaying in the water. He knows Ellie had slipped and called her mom the other day. Maybe it wasn’t a slip at all. 

“Well, if I can’t get back in right now, one of us might as well. Go on, old man. I’ll keep lookout.” He grumbles at the nickname that both of them seem to have settled on for him, but the heat has gotten to him just enough that he listens to her, getting up and shrugging out of his unlaced boots, his t-shirt and jeans quick to follow.

“Jesus, my eyes!” He huffs as Ellie cackles to herself, but is a little too focused on the look his woman is giving him from the middle of the lake to pay much mind to her jabs. 

The water is cool, a relief to every aching joint in his body as he wades in. He can’t remember the last time he did something like this. She meets him in the middle of the lake, an easy smile on her lips as she winds her arms around the back of his neck.

“Hey, handsome.” Even after all this time, he’s still prone to blushing when she talks like that, all syrup and sweetness. He scoffs to hide the creeping heat, his one hand coming to skate up and down her back. She tilts her head, seeming to search his face as she murmurs lowly.

“You’ve been scowling all day. Gonna tell me what’s going on?” She can read him like a book, always could, and it drives him insane most of the time.

“M’fine.” By the look on her face, he knows she isn’t going to accept that answer. He sighs.

“I just– this doesn’t feel real. Like– it’s too good to be true, don’t you think?” Her brow furrows at his words.

“I think it’s good for sure. But I can understand what you mean– waiting for the other shoe to drop, right?” He nods, both of them swaying lightly in the ebb of the water.

“It’s that– but I can’t stop thinking about– about–” His words fizzle out in his throat as he catches sight of something, a flickering of movement hovering just above the water. 

Wings. The smallest splotches of colors blinking like eyes. A butterfly. The only thing that runs through his mind is a name. Her name. His Sarah.

Suddenly, a breathy laugh is rolling out of him.

“What? What is it? Is this– are you having a stroke?” The ridiculousness of the genuine worry across her face just makes him laugh more, his hands finding purchase on her waist and pulling her closer. 

“Joel, this isn’t funny. What’s–” He cuts her off with a smacking kiss, her face stunned when he pulls away.

“I’m fine, darlin. I’m gonna be fine.” He glances one more time at the butterfly, alighted on the surface of the lake for a second before it flutters away. But he knows she hasn’t really left him. Wherever he goes, he knows he has her with him.

He kisses his woman again, this time to the much-vocalized chagrin of Ellie on the water’s edge.

“Gross! You guys are scarring me for life here!” She pulls away from him with a laugh, hollering at Ellie to mind her own business before fixing her attention back on him with a grin.

“Good?” He nods.

“Good.”

[anemonelovesfiction]

Fated Mates 2

Ao’nung x fem! Human reader

Warnings ⚠️: Sex, p in v, fingering (bc Ao’s fingers make me drool), obviously these characters are aged tf up

Y’all I included a little tradition within a marriage ceremony (not Ao & Y/n) please someone tell me if its cute bc I thought it was but now idk, I need like hella reassurance for my skxawng ass.

As always, English text is stricken through, except a blurb where I wrote a note bc there is too much English and I refused to strike through a large some of text

I did make a tag list, but personally I don’t think it’s my forte so I don’t believe I’ll be doing it again, I hope y’all can understand🥺

Tag List 🏷️ @shit-i-say-shit-i-think @universal-s1ut @lili-flower03 @deadpool15

Translation Station

Ma’Sempul: My father

Ma’itan: My son

Tawtute: Sky Person (used as “human”)

Tsahik: Spirtual healer

Tsakarem: Tsahik in training

Kinä: Seven (7)

Tìyawn: Love (or “My Love”)

Oel ngati kameie: I see you

Tewng: Loincloth

Yawne: Beloved

Skxawng: Moron

Tsmuke: Sister

Tsmukan: Brother

Sa’nok: Mother

Word count: 7.9K not as long as the other one but still

<<Previous | Next>>

~*~*~*~*~*~*

“How is she?”

“I’m sorry?” I asked confusion evident in my voice and face as he asks me that question, I turn to face my father as he fails at hiding the amused glint in his eye.

“The girl you have spent your nights with for the past month.” He states as a smile breaks out onto his features and I’m a blushing mess. There was no way for me to hide it since my face had already given it away but I tried to move this along smoothly.

“It’s enough that mom knows, now you. Must you ask such private questions?” I groaned internally, the only reason he could be commenting on it had to be because my mother was growing impatient at finding any new information about it.

“Must you always hide everything from us?” He asks

“Ma’Sempul- we’re hunting, is now the time to ask such questions.” I asked.

“I worry about you ma‘itan.” He places a hand on my shoulder before one of the men hiding a ways from us signals at us.

“Thats the signal, lets go,” I broke the conversation short as I dove, my father following behind me.

We’d gotten up extremely early for this hunt to be successful. Quite a few people had gotten married during the last couple weeks and we had the last of the group marrying today. Every day we gathered together, the male of the couple included, to hunt for the feast at our communal dinner, it was the last test that not only could he provide for his mate, but when extreme circumstances arose, he too could prove useful to the clan.

The male of the soon-to-be mated pair had to plan the hunt the day of their union. Plan out where we were to swim, what we were to hunt, and instruct us on skinning the creature and instruct us how to cook it. We prided ourselves in being the providers for our clan and taking care of our mate, the women stayed behind and prepared our work stations once we got back.

It was a beautiful thing to witness a union of two souls, the night was an entire celebration dedicated to them, their friends and family showing their support toward them. I couldn’t wait for Tsireya’s, I’m sure they would make the decision here soon but I wouldn’t know when.

Capturing the beast wasn’t easy, the human boy was assisting as well and proved useful to us. He was great at holding his breath underwater, not as strong as we were, but could definitely hold his own. He, Lo’ak, and Rotxo worked very well together and it prided me knowing that these were the great men who were a part of Y/n’s life.

_________

“Could we talk about something?” Tsireya asks and her face was filled with worry, maybe happiness, confusion? I was usually good at reading her but today I was off.

“That depends, if it’s about Lo’ak, I’d really prefer to not hear it.” Kiri states as she gathers the same sized seashells into a basket. These were going to be used as decoration for tonights union.

“Kiri, stop being rude.” I tease and playfully roll my eyes before turning to the beautiful teal goddess before me

“Is something bothering you?” I asked her as I continued weaving this humongous garment with Tsireya on the other side of it.

They had a tradition where the two stomp on the middle shell, which happened to be the larger one, and however many pieces it broke into represented the two of them as well as the children they were to have. They would then tie their favorite piece of the shell in their song cord, their children's song cord would start with a piece of the broken shell representing both parents becoming one. This garment was going to be thrown around the two who were finalizing their union today as a means to show the clan that they were coming together after they pick their favorite piece and the rest placed in a small container they would take home.

“It’s about Ao’nung,” She bites her lip and apologetically looks at me.

“There must be something interesting for you to want to talk about your brother,” Kiri mentions and I have to force an angry/disgusted look on my face to keep up with the appearance.

“If I could mentally ascend to Eywa right now, I would.” I commented and she smiles while shaking her head to herself.

“Well, he’s been seeing someone recently.” She admits and I fight the urge to freeze, seem curious, or appear affected by her words.

“The sooner he’s out of our hair the better.” I go back to focusing on the weaving and Kiri laughs at that.

“Isn’t that a good thing, ‘Reya?” Kiri asks her and Tsireya looks kind of bothered.

“Oh, sweets, I’m sorry. Don’t take my comments to heart, but it looks like its bothering you, is this a bad thing?” I asked as the small frown had already edged itself into my heart. She shakes her head at my question.

“No, it’s just-“ She sighs and stops weaving, considering this was a two-person job I too had to stop weaving. She lets out a big sigh but still seems saddened.

“You can tell us, we’ll stop being assholes about it.” Kiri speaks up.

“He’s just different is all.” She states and looks like she’s embarrassed for what she said and just about speaks again- more than likely to change the subject.

“Different how?” I ask and she closes her mouth and looks up at me, her eyes very thankful that I’d asked.

“He just seems more patient and kind. His temper isn’t as harsh as it used to be and he is even kinder to the children because of it. I can only assume it has to do with this person he meets up with.”

“But it bothers you?” I asked again and she shakes her head.

“No! This change is good, it is something he needs. But he has yet to share with me and this big secret has been going on for a month. We share everything together and not being let in on this secret makes me feel like he does not trust me.”

“Don’t say that, I’m sure he is just very nervous about it, or maybe this person is very shy? Don’t take it personal, ‘Reya, when he comes home tonight why don’t you ask him about it, if he doesn’t want to share let him know you’re there for him and he will share when he’s ready.” Kiri offers and I look back and smile at her words of wisdom. She always knew what to say to make anybody feel better.

“I am just too nervous to talk with him about it.” Tsireya mentions.

“Hey, remember how nervous you were when you talked to him about Lo’ak?” I asked her and she nodded.

“He might be feeling that same way, but he was supportive- or at least I think he was, because you’re courting Lo’ak now. I’m sure he’s more nervous to tell you than you are of asking him.” I told her and she nods in understanding.

Just then we all hear the sound of the horn signifying the return of the hunters. Tsireya turns and I take advantage of her eyes being off me to scan the crowd for her brother, unable to find him in the massive crowd of teal bodies, although Lo’ak stood out to me and so did Spider. I’m glad I had the weaved garment nearby as soon as Tsireya turns since my eyes looked at my finger positioning at the same time she turned.

“Don’t worry, Y/n, we’re almost done.” She reassures me and I look back up at her, nodding my head as we started weaving once more.

“How long does that usually take?” I asked her.

“It’s tradition for the tsahik to say a few words and bless the union of the pair. Then we celebrate all night with dancing, singing, drinking, it lasts a long time too.”

“How soon do you think they’ll have kids?” I ask in genuine curiosity before feeling Kiri’s lightest swat at the back of my head and Tsireya full on laughing.

“Sorry, I forget tawtute are more invasive than you guys, but I was genuinely curious Kiri, I swear I wasn’t making a joke.” I turned my head toward her as she was squatting behind me finishing separating the shells.

“It depends on them,” Tsireya answered.

_________

Eclipse was quick to come from the moment we’d all finished cooking and getting ready for the union. The couple always had the tsahik speak blessings on them just before eclipse started and once it was over the two would share with the clan the vows they choose to make for their partner.

After the vows are shared, the tsakarem- Tsireya- lays down the garment behind the two and they turn to step on the shell in the middle. At this very moment the two were sharing their vows about their love for each other and I couldn’t help but let my eyes wander over and catch a glimpse of Y/n.

She had one of her hands covering her mouth in awe as her other hand wiped away the tears escaping her eyes. I could see her sniffle a bit to contain herself and Kiri leans over to pat the girls head gently. I couldn’t help but smile at her reaction toward the ceremony and felt my heart swell with pride at the absolute sweet heart she is.

The couple had turned around and broken the shell, Tsireya kneeling on the floor to count the pieces the shell had broken into.

“Kinä!” Tsireya yells as everyone cheers.

Seven, they’re going to have five children between the two, what a blessing! I turned with a slight smile of my own and capture Y/n’s eyes with my own and she lifts her hand to sign a quick Hello. I signed back and she smiles widely.

It doesn’t take long for the singing to begin after they had gathered their shell pieces and everyone stood up. This would be the perfect opportunity to slip away to the woods with Y/n. I capture her eyes once more and cock my head back toward the woods and she nods her head, turning back to pretend to be paying attention to whatever her brother was saying.

I’d started walking away first, knowing she’d have to find her own way out of the conversation she was in. We often did this to prevent anyone from noticing us slipping away together and starting a rumor that would spread faster than whatever rumor was started that morning.

I knew it would probably take a bit for her to come meet me in the clearing so I’d decided to lurk a bit closer toward the edge of the woods to just watch her. Only to flare my nose when I’d noticed Rotxo walk up to her, wondering what in the great mother he thought he was doing. I’d wanted to walk over to her and pick her up and away from his presence but I knew what would happen if I did.

I didn’t need to be upsetting my mother at this moment, not that I would have cared, but she was due to give birth soon. And having my sibling pop out while my mother was stressed wasn’t a good mix. I also didn’t want to embarrass Y/n in front of her family or let her sweet ears listen to whatever kind of messed up comments the clan would have to say. I also don’t want to upstage the happy couple that decided to stay for a while before heading off toward the spirit tree.

I could see Y/n laugh at whatever Rotxo had said and could feel the pure jealousy filling the pit of my stomach. He smiled at her reaction and seemed overall nervous, I was easily angered and my tail swayed furiously. He’d nodded at what she said and headed off before she looked around to make sure nobody was paying attention to her, once she was in the clear she started heading toward the wooded area again, I’d backed off from plain sight and started trudging my way toward the clearing.

I could hear her tiny footsteps walking near the clearing but I had my back turned toward her as I sat with my thoughts and fidgeted with my fingers. I truly did not want to be jealous, but I couldn’t help to feel that way, I had no idea what else to do.

“Guess who!” She had placed her hands over my eyes. She told me a little bit ago that tawtute often did this to one another, what for I can’t say, but it defeats the purpose when I know her smell, her voice, and I could hear her smacking her feet with every step.

“Tìyawn, you scare the sea life within a five mile radius with how loud you walk.” I stated as her arms slip from my sight, my eyes adjusting toward the bioluminescent lights provided by the plants around us, and her pouty face comes around to greet me. I smile softly and reach for her face, pulling her into a sweet short kiss, pulling back from her and staring at her eyes.

“That was mean.” She stated in fake hurt as she crossed her arms next, stomping her feet as she turned around, acting like a child. But I carefully snake my arm around her waist and pull her back toward me, kissing the back of her neck, her resolve crumbling.

“Thats loser talk, little one.” I nuzzle the back of her neck with my nose and she shivers at the touch, her smell was wonderful and it helped calm me down. I took a couple of sniffs before she pulled herself away from me.

“I need to talk to you about something,” She mentioned seriously and it made my heart drop.

“Does it have to do with why Rotxo was all over you?” I asked and felt like kicking myself in the face, she was confused and another emotion settled onto her features, but I couldn’t pinpoint what.

“Where you watching me?” She asks with a hint of something in her voice but it was frustrating me that I couldn’t figure out what it was.

“No,” I looked away from her gaze but she laughs lightly. Was this amusing to her?

“Look at me,” She stated so gently but I didn’t have to heart to, settling to looking at the ground, but feeling her soft hands on my cheeks as she turned my face to look at hers was making me feel shy.

“Hey,” She coo’s gently and I finally look at her. Her smile was still evident and she looks amused.

“I do not-“ I was cut off as she places the backs of her fingers on my mouth to shush me.

“Theres no need to be jealous, Ao’nung, Rotxo was telling me about how his situationship was going along. He’s confided in me as a friend.”

“I’m not jealous.” I scoff and look away before feeling her hands guiding my stare back toward her.

“No, of course not, my mistake.” She runs her thumbs against my cheeks lovingly that I couldn’t help but close my eyes and hum happily. “But you don’t have to worry about me being interested in anyone else, okay?” She makes it sound like a question but I know she wasn’t really awaiting an answer. I’d opened my eyes as she spoke but felt doubtful.

“But what if you find someone else?” I asked her and felt my insecurities rising.

“Never. I only see you, Tìyawn, only you.” She reassures me.

“Oel ngati kameie, little one,” I stated almost immediately after she had and we meet in the middle for a kiss.

“You know what we should do right now?” She asks me as she backs up from my lips and I pout slightly at the loss of her being so close.

“What?”

“Have sex in the water-“ She tries hiding her amusement but her eyes were twinkling.

_________

Further on closer toward the opposite edge of the woods where we’d come from are more walkways that reach smaller islands within the Metkayina and the other clans nearby. There was usually someone watching post nearby or walking around but due to the celebration, Tonowari was nice enough to let them have a small break and come down to have fun.

“There is something I wanted to tell you,” I stated while panting as his fangs tickled my neck.

“Mm,” He mutter mindlessly but his ears flicker up toward me to listen.

“Your dad is hot-“ I hold back a giggle as he makes a disapproving look, his lips swollen from our heavy make out session, biting my lip as I look down at his mouth and back up his eyes.

“Yeah?” His eyes darkened as his head tilts to the side, hands gingerly gripping my thighs and dragging me toward him. “Why is that?” He asks with a finger on my chin, making sure I don’t shy away from his intense eye contact.

“The tattoo’s that cover his face, he’s very kind, his voice is deep, he’s very strong.” I listed while staring right at Ao’nung, his smirk settling in his face.

“I’ve got tattoos on my face.” He stated as his hands start running across my thighs softly.

“Not very many,” I retort and his big hands start caressing my inner thighs.

“Am I not kind to you, little one?” He asks while kissing at my jaw line and once again down my neck, his fingers dangerously close to where I needed them.

“I-I guess-“ I gasp as he finally pushes my tewng to the side and glides his thumb over my clit.

“Is my voice not deep when I pleasure you?” He asks straight into my ear and plunges one finger straight in and I couldn’t help but moan.

“Hmm?” He grazes my g-spot and I shudder under him, closing my eyes and enjoying his ministrations. I feel his finger remain still and it causes me to open my eyes again.

“Yes!” I whine and he chuckles.

“Look at how pathetic you are and I’ve only used one finger. Do you really think you could handle my father?” He asks cockily.

“Just want you-“ I groan as he slides a second finger in.

“Hmm, are you certain?” He purposely curls them over my G-spot, not even bothering to thrust them anymore, just moving them over my spongey spot repeatedly.

“Am I too weak for you?” He asks and pecks my lips.

“N-no,“ I try concentrating on my words but concentrate on bucking my hips instead, eyes closed tightly, grasping onto his arm for dear life as he continues pleasuring me.

“Fuck,” I moan out loudly and I can hear the smirk in his voice.

“I thought you wanted to do this in the water.”

“Hmm,” I buck my hips against his fingers.

“You gonna come?” He asks and I only nod my head as much as I could just to feel the orgasm ripped away from me as he removes his fingers. But before he says anything I crawl on his lap kissing him and grinding myself over his noticeable bulge.

“It almost feels like you prefer me over my father,” He teases while sliding me against his body as he stands, discarding his tewng in the sand, and walking into the water.

“Wait what about mine-“ I asked but it was too late.

“Just in case anyone comes by unexpectedly, you’ll be safe.” He kisses me and bites my bottom lip teasingly.

“I do prefer you over your father,” I wrapped my arms around his neck answering his previous question.

“I’m not convinced,” he once again moves my tewng to the side, and pushes his penis in one go, after having done this for the past month its safe to say he fits well, and the initial sting does bother me but it doesn’t hurt as bad as before when we’d first done it.

“Oh shit-“ I gasp and shut my eyes and squeeze my legs wrapped around his waist, my arms squeezing his neck, his own hands squeezing my hips.

“You feel so good little one, such a good girl taking my cock like that,”

I tried not to react to what he was saying but I’m sure my pussy was giving it away, his smirk returning on his face causing me to shiver.

“You like that?” He asks but doesn’t giving me a chance to answer before thrusting his hips upward.

“W-wait!” I whine as he continues thrusting rapidly, feeling my orgasm approaching rapidly.

“Can’t believe you’re all mine, pretty girl, all mine.” He grows into my ear and the possessiveness coming from it makes me moan loudly.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” The mantra spills out of my lips so easily and I can hear him grunting with every thrust.

“Touch me, little one, touch my ears-“ He begs and his hands squeeze my hips harder, but I bring my hands up to caress his ears, somehow he thrusts even faster and his hips are meeting mine.

“Fuck!” I yell as his pelvis strokes my clit deliciously with how deep, fast, and hard he was going. I could feel his ears trembling under my touch and the most unexpected constant flow of whimpers coming from his mouth.

“Such a good girl, wanna paint your pretty walls with my come-“ He mutters.

“Come Ao’nung, please!” I cry as I feel myself being tipped over the edge, his own orgasm chasing after mine. I was always curious about their come, it had a slight blue glow to it, shining very brightly in the night.

“You’re wild, Tìyawn,” He states as he gently pulls out, sweeping his fingers inside to make sure to get all of his come off me.

“Do you think your dad fucks as hard as you do?”

He splashes water in my face and I can’t help but laugh at my own comment and the disapproving look he’d given me.

“I only see you, yawne.” I repeat to him and kiss him.

“I only see you, little one.” He connects our foreheads together and I feel at peace as I hold onto him.

“I want to stay like this forever,” I hum in appreciation as he gently runs one of his hands against my back.

“I know but we need to go back soon. We can’t get caught.”

“Speaking of getting caught, when should we tell Tsireya?” I asked as I remembered the conversation we were having at the beach earlier today and the real reason I’d told him I needed to tell him something.

“Are you sure you want to tell her? She can be a loud mouth.” He stated and I pout a bit.

“She mentioned noticing a change in you this past month but was upset that you haven’t told her anything. She would keep our secret.” I stated as he begins walking out of the water.

“Is it something you are sure about?” He asks and I just look at him in surprise.

“Is it something you want to tell her? She is your best friend.” I add on to earn sympathy points from him.

“I do,” He nods. “But, I worry that my mom will find out,”

“No wait, I care more about you than what my mother thinks, but-“

“I know, she’s still scary,” I smile up toward him to let him know I wasn’t offended by his words. His feet had finally touched the sand and I try wriggling off of him.

“Lets stay like this until we get back.”

“You’re naked right now. Nobody else can see you like this.” I narrowed my eyes at him and he just smiles, planting a kiss on my mouth.

“Weren’t you the one who said there was no need to get jealous?”

“I will cut your dick off.”

“You’d wrap those pretty lips around it before you cut it off, little one,”

“Stooop!” I blushed at his words.

_________

“Oh, Hey! Where have you been?” Tsireya had turned right after I tapped her arm gently to gain her attention since she’d been dancing with a group of friends. These girls were friends from her childhood and were known to be gossipers but appeared to have drank a little much at the same time given their sways. I was just thankful we were closer toward the edge of the crowd and not near the singers where it was hard to hold a conversation.

“Could I introduce you to someone?” I’d asked her in a hushed voice. I wanted to be careful with how I’d stated anything around her friends since I had no intention of allowing them to overhear our conversation. I also didn’t want to risk them hearing anything and getting the wrong idea, or allowing their liquid courage to give them any reason to follow us, I just wanted to tell Tsireya, nobody else.

After getting out of the water we’d sat back in the clearing to dry off but her hair seemed to be drying at a slower pace than normal, probably due to no sun or heat being available, and my mind had shifted toward what she had said at the cave where tawtute were sensitive to temperatures. I’d asked her if she wanted a blanket to wrap herself around but she’d refused until I told her I would find Tsireya and bring her over where I felt her shivering and decided to grab a blanket from our marui, bringing it over so she could warm up while I left her to find my sister.

My sisters face goes blank before being switched over toward a new emotion that settles on her face that she fails to hide but she nods either way. She’d turned toward her friends saying I had shown up to escort her home since she had to start early tomorrow morning. It was a wonderful excuse in order for her to part from them, but that meant our trek over toward the clearing would have to take a little longer getting there.

We’d walked in silence toward the marui’s before making sure her friends could not see us anymore to give them the impression that we’d gone home. She pauses behind a random marui but I’m thankful she signs since it is uncertain if anybody else was at home or not.

Where is she? Her giddy smile and the excitement glowing in her eyes were a testament to how she felt at the moment.

She’s in the clearing, we’ll have to walk for a bit. I signed back and turned around to start walking over, and I’m certain she was following behind.

It was just now that I could feel my heart pounding in my chest with each step we took, getting closer to the clearing had my stomach tumbling too, my airway felt constricted and my mouth was dry. I decided to take a deep breath to try to calm myself and slowly exhaled.

“I need you to promise me you won’t tell anyone. You can’t tell your friends at all, you can’t even tell Lo’ak, we’re trying to hide it from mom.” I admitted as we continued walking, we were a littlw ways out from the clearing and all I could think was if this was a good idea or not.

“If that is what you wish I will not tell a soul, but are you certain you want me to meet her?” The lightest touch on my arm caught my attention and I turned, noticing she’d stopped.

No matter how bad she’d wanted to know a secret anyone was hiding, she always made sure to keep her nose out of it, she would always wait for someone to approach her and never shared that secret with anyone else, always keeping it. When we were smaller, our mother forbid me to go hunting with the bigger kids because she knew I’d get hurt, let’s just say I didn’t listen to her and definitely got hurt. Tsireya had walked in on my arm bleeding from a cut I got from coral - since I tried wooing the people I was with- as I searched the salves my mother kept in a box. She’d taken the paste away from my hand and grabbed another one that looked completely different and handed it to me, putting the other one in its place.

She even took the time to place the smallest bits of seaweed on it to help the paste stay in the cut. She’d spent the entire day standing next to me to cover her work so our mother wouldn’t yell at me. She refused to leave my side when her friends called and when our mother asked us why she was stuck on my side she said it was because she loved me.

“I can turn back if you want, no matter how bad I want to know who she is, I can wait.” She adds again and doesn’t even bother trying to sneak a peek around me.

“You’re my best friend, there is nobody else I’d want to introduce her to.” I reassure her and turn to walk again. We were nearing the clearing and I could catch a hint of her wrapped in my blanket.

“Just promise you won’t tell a soul, not even Eywa,” I whispered and she pokes my back for fun.

“Eywa knows all.” She jokes as she whispers back and we are finally here.

“Little one,” I called out to her and she turns her head to face me, her back stiffened as she stands even straighter, Tsireya remained behind me and hadn’t stepped out.

“I brought my sister.” I motion for her to come closer and she does, her footsteps being soft and calculated, she also seemed nervous.

“You ready, ‘Reya?” I asked as I tilted my head back so she could see me, she gives me a nod, and her eyes widened as I stepped out of her way, falling upon the tawtute in a shocked manner. She turns to look between myself and Y/n before uttering her first word.

“Ahh,” It was as if she’d had a sudden moment of clarity as her eyes settled back on Y/n. I could tell ma’tìyawn was letting the doubt fill in, her eyes were knitted upward as she stared up at my sister.

“Hi sweets,” She spoke nervously.

“This actually makes sense.” Tsireya states as if she were in a trance.

“You came back home hours after the storm had stopped, why ai couldn’t find her a little after you’d disappeared, why you’re nicer!” She poked my arm excitedly.

“You are courting my favorite tawtute!” She yells happily and I’m only thankful to Eywa for a celebration happening at this moment, if not I was sure everyone in the clan had heard her.

She had turned and ran up toward my tawtute, picking her up and squealing happily, I could feel my heart slowing down and my stomach settling, a cool feeling overtaking my once erratic nerves as I see the two embracing, a smile settles on my features as the two most important women in my life were embracing each other.

“I was so scared to tell you!” Y/n stated as she too seemed to be at ease.

“I should have pieced it together, but this is a good thing! You’re making him much less grumpy! Only the sweetest of souls could do that, and I should have known it was you!” Tsireya settles her down again as she sits down, crossing her legs.

“Tell me, is he hitting it right?” Tsireya asks and Y/n blushes.

“Who taught you that!” Y/n asks as Tsireya giggles.

“The person whose currently hitting this-“ She points at herself.

“Ugh, gross, Tsireya, don’t taint my tawtute.” I roll my eyes at the conversation being had in front of me.

“I knew you guys were boning,” Y/n comments back with a smile of her own.

“Yawne, thats gross,”

“Awe! Yawne?” Tsireya asks with the widest smile.

“I shouldn’t have let you two meet.” I sigh and place my hand over my face while shaking my head in disappointment.

“I thought you’d hate me for keeping this secret.”

“No no, you have every right to, have you told anyone else?”

“We haven’t told anyone else but we want to eventually, we’re taking small steps.” I speak up and Tsireya nods.

“Come sit,” Y/n pats the grass beside her, I walk over and sit where she’d pointed to and grab her, sitting her on my lap, my arms wrapped around her blanketed form. Tsireya cooing at how cute she thought this whole thing was, it made me blush for sure, I could only imagine my tawtute’s face at the comments. We’d enjoyed each others company throughout the rest of the night.

Walking back toward the back end of the Marui’s we reach the walkways where Y/n stops, turning to face me and taking the blanket off of herself, handing it over to me. I take it and shamelessly smell it, smiling at the change in smell, what once smelled like me now has a hint of her in it. I squat on my toes to kiss her and she wraps her arms around my neck.

“I’ll miss you tonight.” I kiss her forehead.

“We’ll see each other tomorrow,” She lets out a light laugh and I kiss her again.

“You do know your sister is still watching, hmm?” She asks and I kiss her once more.

“Thats her problem.” She takes her arms away from my neck and steps back.

I’ll miss you tonight. She signs with a bright blush on her face and I could only imagine my sister was looking at her, I was correct since I heard the slightest of Awe’s from behind me.

I’ll miss you more I signed back at her and she waves before turning to walk toward the Sully marui.

_________

*this whole conversation is in English until you wake up in the morning, ok? I’d rather make a note here than using strike through on all of the text*

“And where do you think you’ve been?”

I’d long since frozen upon seeing his tall build standing near the walkway, nowhere close to where the entrance of our marui was, just far enough away from being heard from anyone inside it. I could have turned back and walked from where I came but I was sure he’d follow regardless, and I knew Ao’nung and Tsireya weren’t out of sight yet.

“Enjoying the nice fresh air, whats wrong with you?” I asked him, trying to play it off like it was nothing.

“No, because I saw you walk toward the woods earlier, but didn’t see anyone else. I can only assume whoever you went to meet had already gone ahead of you.”

I kept my face as neutral as possible, trying to think of a way out of this situation, but my mind was drawing blanks. If he saw me going into the woods then I’d have to find a way to lie about why I was there.

“I don’t need to explain myself to you.” I scoff and roll my eyes. “But the tree’s remind me of being in the forest. It helps bring my mind at ease during social situations where I feel like I’m suffocating-“

“You really can’t lie your way out of this, lets try that again.”

“I swear, for being born two minutes later you’re the biggest pain in my ass.”

“I may be younger but I’m wiser-“

“No you aren’t, skxawng.”

“You’ve got an answer for me or do I need to find it out myself and follow you around the entire island?”

“With your clear threat, I can only imagine you have a vague idea of why I’m out here.”

“Not really but you buried yourself into a hole with that comment.”

“Spider-“ I stated angrily and pause to try to calm myself down.

“You never hide anything from me, Y/n, I’ve given it some time but I’m worried about you. You disappear several times a day and reappear even more tired. Is someone making you do something, or are you sick and you’re afraid to tell us?”

“Who is all home right now?” I asked aloud and Spider sighs.

“Jake, Neytiri, and Tuk. She got tired and they came back home. Lo’ak and Kiri were staying a bit longer but they should be coming home soon.”

“Give me until tomorrow afternoon and I can answer that question for sure.”

“Y/n-“ He stated immediately before I held my hand up to stop him from continuing.

“I am not being threatened to doing anything, I can assure you I’m fine, I just need to think about it, okay?”

He nods warily as I sigh.

“Just until tomorrow.” He agrees. Spider knew my body language well enough to understand when I’d been lying, but to also tell if I was okay, which I assume he got the hint and thats why he agreed.

“I’m tired, we should go sleep.” I suggested to move this along and he nods, walking over toward the entrance of the marui, and pushing aside the curtain covering the entrance.

Falling asleep had proven to be harsh as I continued tossing to find a comfortable position and no longer finding it comforting after getting settled, leaving me to turn once more and the cycle continued for a while. Jake and Neytiri had already put Tuk in bed and had stayed up until Lo’ak and Kiri came in.

We all talked in hushed voices about how special their ceremony was and how many people they talked to. It didn’t take long for them to have fallen asleep as they were probably tired and I was left to fend for myself. I’d had just about enough of not getting comfortable and stepped out of the marui, surprised that I’d managed to struggle all night since the daylight was starting to creep up onto the water.

I carefully and quietly walked over toward the beach and sat with my back against a tree. Staring out into the water and taking a second to enjoy the tranquility of the gentle waves rolling about, wetting the sand of the shoreline.

“You’re up early,”

“We need to talk.” I stated curtly before turning to make direct eye contact with him, his face had a slight smile but I could tell it had fallen at my tone.

“Whats wrong?” He asked as he squats near me.

I let out a sigh before telling him what had happened right after he dropped me off. I didn’t forget to mention that I’d told my brother I’d give him some kind of answer in the afternoon and Ao’nung smiled weakly toward me.

“What?” I asked.

“We might need to come clean to the whole group.” He suggests and I’m sure the look on my face showed how scared I was.

“Hey, it doesn’t matter what anyone says, I won’t leave you, little one.”

“Thats not what I’m worried about.”

“Then what?” He asks and looks like he’s about to grab onto my arm comfortingly before I see another teal body coming up and my instant reaction is to shake my head at the action, his arm was only slightly outstretched and I am thankful to all of my senses at that moment

“What are you doing?”

Both our heads snap back up toward the woman standing beside us, her own eyes narrowed as she looks directly at me, then sliding back to her son waiting for his response. I should have known she wouldn’t be talking to me and I’m sure if she were she’d believe I was lying.

“Just asking if we were still meeting up later.” He lies through his teeth and I felt a sense of pride run through me. His mother shifts her gaze at me as if to ask ‘alone?’ I couldn’t help but continue staring at her.

“Tsireya told Kiri to convince Y/n to come,” He adds to let her know we weren’t meeting alone and she turns to look at her son and nods as of she were still processing what he’d said. I turn to look at him as his gaze shifts toward mine and he seems panicked. I raised my brow and look at the sand again, essentially telling him to calm down.

“Very well.” She stated and holds an outstretched hand for him to go toward her. “Excuse us, Y/n,” she bows her head lightly and it shocks me at the respect she had just given me, but I have to remind myself its to keep up appearances.

I’d taken it upon myself to head back to the marui to wake everyone up and get started on our day considering we were slightly busy. The quicker we finished our share of work the more time we could spend together and the best opportunity to tell them while everyone else- including Ao’nungs mother- would continue being busy with their works.

_________

“Where have you been?” Tsireya asks as if to scold me for being the only one to have joined the group late.

“I had to throw our mother off my scent. She already caught us this morning.” I explained and her ears flicker upward.

“Technically I have, like, thirty seconds left before I can tell you-“ I can hear my tawtute speaking as her brother looks angrily toward her. Out of habit, I froze and pretended my attention was elsewhere, completely forgetting for a bit why we were all gathered here.

“Thats bullshit Y/n, tell me what stupid thing you’re hiding.”

“I told you I would let you know if I decided to tell you, not that I would for sure tell you!” She yells back at him.

“Well its already been thirty seconds.” Spider crosses his arms and stares at his tsmuke awaiting an answer.

“It’s been fifteen-“ She sticks her tongue out at him.

“It’s been thirty seconds, Yawne.” I agree with her brother aloud and Spider completely misses the point of what I’d said as he shouts a victory toward Y/n.

“You’re supposed to be on my side.” She stated calmly toward me.

Kiri had stood with her mouth agape as Spider just raised a brow at his sister- still missing how we were acting toward each other. Rotxo had his mouth open while forming a shocked smile, looking between us and Kiri. Lo’ak seemed to have just caught on to what was said as his brows furrow.

“Wait a minute- Yawne?” Spider finally catches on and looks between us in shock and I felt like now would have been a perfect time for Kiri to laugh, but I’m assuming it came as too much of a shock for everyone.

“No way-“ Spider states shocked.

“Oh my Eywa,” Kiri places her hands over her mouth but fails to hide her excitement as she lets out a small squeal.

“I should have known someone tamed the beast,” Rotxo comments with a smirk as he shakes his head in surprise.

“Are you serious?”

All heads turned toward the forest boy who’d uttered those words. It definitely didn’t sound like he had been too happy to find out, but he wasn’t yelling about it either, his voice definitely held a calm tone to it, but it was impossible to ignore the harshness that came with it.

“Lo’ak,” Tsireya begins as his eyes go over toward hers.

“You knew?” He asks in disbelief and her ears flicker down a bit, her face changing to show her apology.

“She only found out yesterday, Lo.” Y/n states upon seeing my sisters immediate change in mood.

“You mean to tell me you told Tsireya before telling anyone else?” He asks a little louder this time.

“Maybe now you can see why we decided to tell her?” She sasses back at Lo’ak.

“Look, Y/n,” He pinches the bridge of his nose as he exhales. “Theres no way you can be with this-“ He points toward me and stops talking.

“You loved my brother.” He stated firmly.

“Yes, I do love Neteyam. But I love Ao’nung too.”

“No you don’t.” He stated just as quick. “You think you do, but you don’t.”

“You love me?” I asked in shock.

“Not now,” She states at me while holding her hand up to acknowledge me but continuing to stare at Lo’ak. “You cannot tell me what I feel. Or are you suddenly becoming your dad and think you know whats best for me?” She asks in anger.

“Guys, we should take a second to cool down.” Kiri breaks their angered animosity toward them and both Lo’ak and Y/n’s faces soften.

“I just-“ Lo’ak states as a sudden realization hits him and he sighs. “I just don’t want you to get hurt, especially since you’ve been hurt before when you didn’t even get to say goodbye. And especially with him.” Lo’ak looks toward me but I can understand why.

“Lo,” Y/n stated softly as she walks toward him and hugs him, knowing how close they were and their kind of relationship I had no reason to be jealous, but wondered if he would hurt her due to his anger from before.

“You’re my tsmukan. And I loved your tsmukan. But moving on is part of the healing.” She stated and he wraps his arms around her.

“I’m sorry,” He apologizes.

“He is good to me, I promise.”

“Sometimes it feels like Lo’ak is a better brother than I am, should I have reacted that way-“ Spider started before letting a loud oof escape his lips, nobody spared him a glance as it was obvious Kiri had smacked him upside the head.

“You break her heart, and I’ll break your face with my fists.” Lo’ak threatens as Y/n giggles.

“I am aware of my actions from the past and have also asked for an apology from all of you. I do not plan to break that trust nor break your tsmuke’s heart. I would also like to point out I was not expecting to be hit in the face that time.” I stated and could hear my tawtute giggling.

“Don’t feel sorry for yourself now Tìyawn,” I can feel her little fingers on my face as I’d failed to hear her come up to me for the first time. She’d stood on a rock behind me to reach me and I’d taken her by the waist to slide her off the rock and holding her close onto myself.

“He hit me many times-“ I pouted and she started laughing.

“Yes, I praised him when I heard the story,”

“Hey!”

“Hey.” She pecks my lips and a chorus of eww’s are heard from our friend group.

“Not like you all don’t kiss each other anyway-“ She sticks her tongue out at them and its my turn to join in on the laughter.

“Are you planning on telling sa’nok and sempul too?” Lo’ak asks and Y/n’s face falls slightly again.

“We’re trying to keep that from happening. Ronal is definitely the last person that needs to know and if we told your parents I’m sure they’d tell her next. And I don’t want to face Neytiri’s wrath from another native woman again.” She shivers and I can tell its a sore subject for her.

“She’ll find out eventually, but it’ll be too late by then, Tìyawn. And I’m not letting you go either, yeah?”

“Yeah,” She agrees as I set her down.

[soosoosoup]

Before Trolls 3 first announced and before I saw a trailer of it, before we knew, before we knew about TBT, let’s say go back into 2016-2020, before we knew that that Branch has four brothers.

Have you ever thought about Branch’s parents? We know he had grandma but because of what happened. It seems like he doesn’t have any family members other than Grandma, I never really thought about his family, I just assumed that they died, was eaten by Bergens.

What was your reaction when you first heard about Trolls 3/TBT?

What was your first reaction about Branch having brothers?

Did you see the trailer?

If so, what did you think about it?

What was your reaction about the truth behind the Bunker?

I was so shocked about it. I loved Branch even more!

I forgot about Trolls for years, until Trolls 3 trailer showed up on YouTube, I was like “what the?” So I watched it, I immediately realized that it was Branch when he was a toddler, but who was those four guys? So I went and find out he had four brothers, I was like, “WHAAAAAT?!”

I never thought of how they survived Bergens especially Chef until recently. I had so many questions. I found out that a few months before its first release. I got my questions answered well except…

Where have Floyd been? (not captured by twins because it was only two months)

How did Bros survived the Bergens especially that crazy Chef?!

I didn’t expect them to make Trolls 3 which was something. 😅

I noticed that their parents weren’t there, and I was sad to see Grandma when I was first watching because we know why and again how heck did they survive?! In fact I was disappointed with Floyd, I was like, are you okay?! Family should be first but yeah. (I know it wouldn’t make sense to Trolls)

I was mad with Peppy for ‘No Trolls left behind!” But of course I can tell he was heartbroken, I’m not of if anyone did ask him about Viva, only asked about Poppy. I know Viva have not existed yet back then.

My past self wouldn’t believe me if I told her about Branch having a big Brothers. My past self would ask “if Branch has older brothers then where did they go? Why did they left him like that? What about Bergens? (I’m not sure if the tunnels were still just started working on or not yet, most likely not started yet)

Now, the most important question:

what’s your reaction when you first saw Poppy kissed Branch on his lips? I would scream happily but them but can’t because I was in the theater. :’D

What do you think Trolls 4 will be about?

It would be interesting if Viva and Poppy’s mother was villain but who knows. Do you hope there will have main male villain? We had main female villains but no main male villain. (I know we had Creek and Vaneer but well we know what happened in the end of movie.) Hopefully we will learn about their mother. I think next movie will be focused on Poppy’a but who knows?

Time for my confession... I hadn't watched trolls until late last year, around the time tbt came out. Which funnily enough wasn't what got me interested in trolls.

Actually joined bc of a post on how good World tour was with 'It's All About Love (History of Funk)' attached. Boy was I blown away with the music and art direction that I had to give it a try!!

So I had the experience of knowing Branch supposedly had brothers. So no surprise for me :( lol. Luckily however it didn't effect how I viewed branch in the first two movies :). Branch's family never really crossed my mind much, I just accepted that it was only him and his Grandma.

It was very interesting to see how characters and story details were recontextualized with every movie addition. Peppy is unfortunately a casualty needed if they wanted to add some things (viva, the putt putts, other genres). Like the concept of some pop trolls sneaking out of bergen town, which I assumed brozone did. My favorite bit however was how the bunker was recontextualized, put so much more sentiment into it!!

Must admit, while I loved brozone's addition I did not think highly of them personality wise (as in I saw there many flaws and loved em for it). Seeing how much branch and all of pop trolls had gone through with the knowledge that they were out there living their lives had me very aware that they sucked at being brothers lol.

Love the broppy moment!! Was done perfectly in my opinion <3, I was watching on my phone, waaaaayy late at night, so I gave the quietest of yays :D

[imustbenuts]

How do you handle how low key racist toward Japan a lot of fandom is in favor of shoving only American cultural viewpoints into things? I'm so tired...

hm.... a loaded question. short answer for how i handle this:

I don't.

i just. don't. i don't even try to process what i know for sure is a bad take at all, and i make it a point to curate my online spaces as much as possible.

(or at least, i do on very very rare occasions if i feel arsed enough to hop on my keyboard to smashing out a more educated post about it based on my own understanding. more on this in a bit.)

if i go into a fandom tag and i see rampant nonsense, such as during the 1st two months of fire emblem engage's release or some incredible pumpkin spice latte takes, and i feel like it's just too much bc im getting angry, i just disengage. i might read if i feel like it, but if its too hostile i don't add to the conversation. i leave. i don't pass go bc i have waaaay better things to do than potentially engage in a conversation im already not happy to have.

in some occasions i even block. if i feel like someone is being a dipshit in the posts i make with their tags even, i block.

and i suspect im not the only one. how often do you see asians who reside outside of the west actively partake in fandom discussions? its such a drain of energy when it goes bad. most asians are working faaaaar longer hours than the average westerner in the average office setting. i mean, fuck, man. if i want to have fun, im not coming to a place i know i wont be having much. (ofc we are all having it bad. the point is: limited energy is a big factor for why going against the general set consensus is a bad idea)

i've been dealing with this for the past 10 years. minimum. it has always been like this. it has ever always been like this everywhere.

soooome fandoms are chiller than others for sure. but i dont actively participate in fandoms bc: im tired and my attention hops all over the place.

im ALSO gonna drag proship antis DNI into this ramble bc i believe strongly this culture is an evolution of the old 'your fave is problematic' culture mixed with puritanism culture and i hate it. i hate it bc it gets applied to everywhere, even in a japanese/asian culture space where people in fandoms are generally more "you stay in your lane i stay in mine, we're all freaks, just dont break any laws or be terrible". understand that east asian society in general is collective compared to western's more individualistic one, which reinforces that lane thinking. so all these high moral showing-off is just a big pissing contest to me.

in fact its such a pissing contest i actively refuse to follow people who have DNIs in their profiles. id have more respect for those who can say 'i dont like xyz, its not my cup of tea'. its a normal response, i think.

and im done ranting about my personal feelings :v. some practical advice from my dumb of ass:

a person knows what they know

a person doesnt know what they dont know (ignorance)

a person cannot be taught what they dont want to know (willful ignorance)

a willfully ignorant person is not anyone's job to directly fix. only they can check themselves.

hostility begets more hostility. anger is an addictive emotion. block and move on if someone is consistently being annoying/a pos online, its not worth the mental bandwidth

a person wants to know what they know they don't know (curiosity)

if theres something educational worth sharing that can be communicated in a digestible way, it is sometimes worth it. people like reading, but more importantly, communicating. be that with the OP or their own group.

and also, im not immune to any of the behaviors i dont like above myself. there are also limits in what i know. :v hypocritical of me lmao

[imperiuswrecked]

The main difference i think is the justice systems of the us and mexico. Not that the u.s. is good, i just heard mexico does things differently?

It's very late, I'm very tired, and I've been trying to stay offline because the sheer amount of racism, misogyny, and hate I've seen directed to both Tenoch and Elena is honestly horrible and I've been feeling very burned out from people in general but I assume this ask is about the recent statement Elena released, which I had to translate and piece together so if I'm wrong please let me know.

Tw: sexual abuse discussion

Elena released this as a response to Tenoch's statement:

Basically what I understood is that Tenoch is a flirter, a womanizer, and has had lots of flings, casual consensual sex with women with no promise of commitment and often ghosts them after sex, or sometimes hooks up with them again later.

Elena felt used because this happened to her. Ghosting after sex isn't a crime, it might make Tenoch a cad, and it's a shitty thing to do, but its not a crime, flirting/making you feel loved isn't a crime either. Again it seemed like even after they broke up last year things were fine between them up until sometime this year.

Then she goes on to say that Tenoch abused her because one time during (consensual) sex he removed the condom, and she says that even if sex acts start off as consensual they can turn non consensual and removing a condom is what changed it to abuse. That's the issue here, and she goes on to claim that other women have told her he does this, but she doesn't name or reveal any information about the others, the one other woman (an actress) who posted a public tweet about Tenoch saying she had a bad experience with Tenoch once (7 years ago) has gone private on twitter after deleting that tweet.

Elena accuses Tenoch of Stealthing, which isn't a crime in Mexico, but in the U.S. only California recognizes Stealthing and the guilty party can face fines or up to 6 months in jail, and yeah I googled it for this answer bc I'm not a lawyer.

Stealthing is when someone removes a condom (known or unknown) without consent from the other person.

Which brings me to your question, yes the way Justice Systems work are different and not all things that are registered crimes/civil offenses in the U.S. are recognized in Mexico. Which is probably why Elena did not file a police report because they do not recognize it as a crime or abuse.

This is once again a "He said, She said", and when/if other women speak up then there nothing else to say, because again, we don't know what happened between them in the bedroom. Speculation about whether Elena was ok with it then and later changed her mind or that she wants to extort money from Tenoch which is why he hired lawyers or if she's lying or if he's lying or anything else is just that, speculation. It doesn't mean anything.

I will say personally I think there could be truth in her words but I wasn't in the room with them to know so I do not know if this is truth or if she decided to exaggerate what happened, but if more of his past partners come out affirm this then it's likely true.

However I will say that the way Elena handled this, tacking the accusation on during a dispute about money, leading people to believe that Tenoch is a huge rapist who assaults and preys on women in the worst way (I'm not downplaying or ignoring her experiences with him or questioning if she was abused) and not stating things clearly from the start have created a super toxic environment that could have been lessened if she had just posted that statement or done an interview outright. I'm not victim blaming here, but I am pointing out that her handling of this made it worse because it gave people time to speculate, create wilder accusations, and go on a near week long harassment spree directed not just at her but also at Tenoch, if she wants to claim cyber bullying from Tenoch's "fans" (I don't doubt that Tenoch fans harassed her but I'm pretty sure a huge chunk of those vile people don't even like Tenoch, they just hate women) then it's only fair to point out that he is also cyber bullied because of the racists who hate Tenoch and thats not either of their faults because people suck. What's also sad is many people who are nice people in the Namor/Tenoch fandom also got harassed because of this, mostly on the Spanish speaking side of things. I don't think that all of this hate wouldn't have happened even if she had come out with a clear statement from the beginning but I do think that it was worse because of how it played out.

I tried to keep up with what's going on but it's actually super depressing to see so much gross hate from all directions.

Anways I'm done with this whole thing and this is the last I'll be talking about it.

[desafinado]

ahh congrats on 200!! once you’re less busy with work (rip) could i please request a school/uni au where reader is a secret admirer for any characters of your choice? maybe they’re part of the same friend group, or they share similar classes? oh or maybe they consult/ask the reader for advice about the letters or smt? i don’t mind the format btw! thank you so so so much:D

(ps. idk if you keep anons but if you do, could i be 🍁 anon~?)

°｡⋆ thoma, ayato x reader (wc: 2,129) °｡⋆ thoma relationship w/ reader a bit interdependent, swearing, fluff, banter note: omg yes i love this idea!! also yes you could be 🍁 anon!! and you'd be my vv first anon so omg yay welcome!!! and hope you enjoy ^^ (also chose thoma and ayato bc of those school uniform collab thing, it was what first came to mind)

ayato ♡

you could not ignore his presence the moment he entered the room. it was as if the mere presence of him warranted trumpets.

you were either enamored by him or scared to make even the slightest eye contact with him; his reputation as a wealthy heir and supposed poised nature preceded him.

you were in a rare minority though, that minority being almost infuriatingly annoyed with how everyone treated him like a prince. you didn’t care about him for the most part, but it was annoying to hear his name in every conversation right before class started.

that was, of course, he was randomly assigned to be your partner for a term long project.

“hmm, i don’t believe we’ve been acquainted. kamisato ayato, and you?”

oh brother, this guy stinks (/j) but all those inner thoughts you’ve had making fun of him were quickly meeting its end.

he was polite enough; teased you a bit, but nothing you couldn’t handle. it was actually fun to see his reaction to you teasing him back.

“you know, i believe you’re the first person to call me a piece of shit… well to my face at least.”

he was more self-aware than you thought, good company too. he seemed to be a bit more of himself around you too, and you appreciated that.

your friendship went way beyond just study sessions and meetings, opting to hangout just because you liked each other’s presence, isn’t that neat?

eventually, he’d also open up more emotionally. telling you his woes, the pressure of being the heir to the kamisato business, caring for his younger sisters, and of course, general university/college student stress.

you heard him out every time, and always knew how to help him get out of his head.

“wanna come over and cry it out over som–” “yes.”

you had realized it when he slept over one night, he had fallen asleep on your lap, snoring quietly. you were gently stroking his cheek, admiring his soft skin, how kissable his lips were.

kissable lips? now, wanting to kiss them could imply a multitude of things, but that coupled with how much you cared for him, and the way your heart fluttered around his small acts of appreciation… you had fallen in love with him, hard.

after that “small” epiphany, you tried to bury it down, down deep in the recesses of your mind.

everyone must’ve had at least a moment in which they thought they were in love with a dear friend, right?

that was what you told yourself everyday for the past two months.

you tried to keep it buried, but the pounding of your heart only got stronger each time you were left alone with him. at nights, your thoughts would linger on what it would be like to take him out to dinner, send cute couple texts, and all of those domestic activities.

but for now, you could only stay where you were, a friend and a partner (in class).

it was valentine’s day, and you both were stuck in the library trying to make some progress on your term project. it’s not like you had any better plans anyways, you’re just hoping ayato didn’t mind. 

“what about this journal? it correlates with our topic.”

he sends you a link of the article in question and you skim through it; ayato is watching intently for any sort of response. you hum in approval, looking up at him from your laptop.

“i think we can use it, yeah. honestly, i just want this done with… and anyways, we can just do improvements on the final stretch.” you sigh a little, thinking of all the work left to do after this particular stage of the project. he raises an eyebrow with an all-knowing smirk.

“hmm? why in a rush? you have a valentine’s date perhaps?” you shut your laptop, sighing even more dramatically. “okay, one, you know i’m a loser, and two, maybe i'm just tired, dumbass.” ayato giggles at your misery, cleaning up his own things.

“you’re not a complete loser, despite what you might think.” he mumbles almost inaudibly, but you certainly heard it. it takes you aback and sets your heart ablaze, sure, but you shrug it off and try changing the topic. 

“what about you? you surely must have some event at the very least. aren’t you part of like three different organizations?”

he shakes his head, picking up his bag. “ok yes, but i actually don’t really care for the holiday that much. it's just an excuse for couples to show off, is it not?” now, that elicits a chuckle from you. “aw, really? maybe you’re just bitter you don’t have anyone to spend it with.”

he stops dead in his tracks, looking up at you; he’s rolling his eyes, and you’re laughing at your successful attempt in throwing him off.

“oh, whatever. it’s not like you have anyone either.”

“yeah, but at least i’m not the valentine’s equivalent of the grinch”

“hey! i never said–”

you both earn a shush from another nearby table, stopping your little squabble. you both decide to leave the area before continuing your conversation any further. once you’re both out, ayato takes the chance to continue what he was saying.

“as i was saying, i don’t detest the idea of love itself. i just see no point in celebrating such a holiday when you could be showing your lover how much you love them everyday.”

he had a point, and it was actually pretty poetic and romantic.

“okay, well that’s besides the point, valentine’s day is still a pretty cute excuse to go all out.” you swoon, thinking up the most romantic scenarios. a subtle smile rests on ayato’s face before he playfully shakes his head. “to each their own, i guess. just know that if it were me, i’d never let a day go by in which you aren’t aware of how much i love you.”

…

freudian slip, he was distracted by your cute face and the way it lit up at the thought of romance. you smirked at the turn of events though.

“me?”

“i mean… yes. i-i do wish to treat you as s-such… but i didn’t mean for it to–”

“i like you too, ayato. i... i've been waiting to say that for a while now.”

“oh… really?”

“yes, now take me out! you said you would treat me as such did you not?"

thoma ♡

it was your first few days on campus, and you were overwhelmed by everything. so many people, new places, and you all by your lonesome.

you weren’t a sociable person and it was tiring, you felt your head pounding at the thought of all the ways every little thing could go wrong.

you sat alone at lunch, trying to handle your oncoming headache, when someone approached you from behind.

“hey, uh are you alright?”

you were stunned to say the least, and turning around to see him only intensified that surprise.

“oh, h-hi.”

he introduced himself as thoma, he had the sweetest, kindest, most sunshine filled smile you had ever laid eyes on; you felt comfortable in his friendly aura, but you couldn’t help but feel a bit anxious talking to someone as gorgeous as him.

his eyes shined every time he chuckled, and you swooned in response, letting him steer the conversation away from your worrisome thoughts.

eventually, he was able to talk you into going to the uni’s clinic, and he made sure to stick by your side until he was sure you were in safe hands.

“now, i’ve got a class, but this isn’t goodbye, right? next time we meet, i hope to see you in a much better state.”

he was so… gr. you’d rather him the one taking care of you, cuddles, handholding, and all, but yes, you definitely wanted to see him again.

over time, you’d run into him more often, text him every now and then, even eat lunch together with his friends.

he was such a delight to be around, you had any question about events, rules, recommendations, literally whatever and he’d have the best advice.

you’d spend hours sharing stories and random opinions, you even found yourself skipping a class or two just to spend an extra hour with him.

he took care of you so well, but it was also a somewhat somber reminder that you were just a friend to him, someone he took care of. you definitely didn’t want him to see you as some sort of younger sibling.

that was when you took it upon yourself to really lean more into the uni life. you tried going to parties, joining clubs, even going on a few dates. 

at this point, you weren’t so sure anymore if you were doing this for the experience or to run away from your feelings.

you found yourself blowing off hangouts with thoma in favor of some random frat party or blind date. even for lunch, you’d excuse yourself, saying you had to study or get some rest before your next class.

you couldn’t hold him off forever though, a simple text was all it took.

“we need to talk. meet you at that dog cafe by the flower shop in 30?”

“thoma?”

you looked like a corpse fresh out of the grave; your skin looked like it desperately needed some sun, and dark spots were evident under your tired eyes. thoma took your hand and guided you to a booth with some drinks and food. it was definitely tempting.

“we haven’t hung out in a while, i’m worried about you, you know?”

his frown hurt you like never before, but you knew it was only because of his concern. you took a seat across from him, slowly nodding.

“i know, i’m sorry. i’ve just been trying to expand my horizons? i don’t actually know anymore.” you sigh knowing you can’t even lie to him, he always sees things through. you took a sip of the drink he had ordered for you. he looked deep in thought before speaking up.

“then, why not talk to me about it? was it something i said? did you…” his voice is strained as he voices out the next words. “have you been making new friends?” there's an encouraging smile on his face, but you know it's only for show, for you.

“i tried, but no, not really. nobody compares to you, thoma.” your eyes meet his as you say his name. you didn’t mean to, but you wanted to be sincere. thoma, in return, blushed profusely, not expecting you to express such sentiments.

“ah, really?” the poor boy is trying to calm his racing heart and focus on you. “i– that’s nice to know that you think of me that way– n-not to say making new friends is bad! i just thought you had forgotten about me.”

“how could i? when all i could think about was coming back to you.”

“wait, what do you–”

“i like you, thoma. i love the way the light hits your face, i love how thoughtful you are about everyone, i love all the nonsensical conversations we’ve had. the only thing i hate about you is how much of an effect you have on me; how being away from you makes me sad, and being with you fills me with an uncontrollable rush of adrenaline… and, and even then, it's only my fault.”

your eyes closed shut the whole way, you can’t bear to see the pity on his face. you knew it was bad, you knew doom was imminent, but the only thing that hurt more than avoiding him was lying to him.

“i like you too… in that very same way, and i apologize if i ever made you feel like i didn't.” his hand slowly rested on top of yours from across the table. your eyes squinted slightly to see his face; there was a soft blush dusting his cheeks, and emerald eyes gazing back at you.

you slowly shake your head before replying. “you never did, you made me feel at home. i thought you’d only see me as some bothersome thing you had to care for, so i wanted to prove to you, and i guess myself, otherwise.”

his smile only widens, as he leans over the table to give you a kiss on the cheek. your eyes are fully open now, letting go of his hand to feel the warmth he left on your cheek.

“you were never a burden, if anything, my love for you sorta just overflowed that it manifested in those ways, me being a mother hen basically.” he chuckled, taking your hand in his. you nodded, focusing your gaze back on him.

“but now, i want you to trust me, let me love you, is that okay?”

divider: henri le sidaner | requests are open!! please do not repost on other sites

[tenderhungering]

okay now serious jack hc time bc i feel like im going CRAZY thinking about this (and have a fic set during/slight after this event); theres a mention in the info dump at the beginning that jack took a month long break from the show and fled ny…WHERE DID HE GO THO

these two asks are the same thing so i’ll be combining them !

i don’t want to do armchair psychology because i am not well versed at all in psychology unless its a collective behavior situation (i’m a sociology major) but i would like to make note of the fact that there are times, where after someone’s death, some people might throw themselves into religion. i’m not saying jack did this specifically, or he’s displaying behavior of someone who is experiencing religious psychosis (as in, it might be perceived by others as this if he tried to explain what was going on in his head after minnie’s death, not that he’s actually experiencing it) but i don’t think it’s uncommon for someone’s grief to turn to something they believe to be more powerful than they are.

jack had just lost his wife (whether this be through his own hands and he is now carrying this guilt or he legitimately thinks she passed away from her illness and it isn’t till the in events of the film that that part of his brain is no longer repressed and he’s met with that information does not matter shh, we can deal with that some other day) and he wants so desperately to find solace in something. i don’t think jack is religious (did he ever mention his faith in the film? imagine he was raised catholic or something and this is all another layer or catholic guilt, hah.) so he goes to what people worship; power & money.

i always imagined he spent a few days in he and minnie’s shared space, he’d leave her chair she would sit in the living room empty, couldn’t bear listen to any music, especially anything that contained piano, theatre seemed ridiculously now — no one could really nail it like she did, and now he kind of regretted having so many pictures of her in his bedroom. he just needed out of there, and right into what he has turned into his religion. i don’t think it really matters if he went to the grove or the cult (though i think he went in that order? first the grove, he felt like it wasn’t enough. he needs something bigger. something the size of his want. his desperation has turned biblical.) he was going to lose his soul to either one eventually, he was going to kneel before those he thought more powerful than he and beg for him to become something because after minnie, he really doesn’t have anything to lose (other than himself).

i’d imagine it was sort of a journey of self discovery? well, more like loss of his own. i think he very well just lost sight of himself during that month — enough to go from something like the grove (who tbh i’ve always seen as just some sort of elite club that’s terrifying just because of how much they worship one another and power, i don’t think they have any actual ties with the occult. it’s like a bunch of grown men playing pretend, baha) to abraxas. some of the most powerful people he knows worship abraxas. it wouldn’t be surprising to hear jack also likes thinking my suffering has made me special. i’ve had to give up more than anyone. i’ve been punished more than anyone. whatever is giving me this hurt feels stronger for me than it feels for you. my reward will be bigger. i’m the favorite sacrificial lamb.

also i did wrap up my semester which is why i have been able to be so active lately. sorry to everyone who has had to scroll past my account’s incoherent thoughts under this tag so much. i get the same adrenaline that mothers gain in order to lift a car whenever it comes to chatting film ! so thank you everyone for questions, you guys are genuinely so sweet to enable my behavior, actually! however, it doesn’t always have to be questions, it can be your own thoughts / headcannons / suggestions / dropping by to say hi ! whatever !

[caernua]

re: your arcana post - i literally don't even go here but i live for drama.... if you were ever to do a video essay or even just a write up in a post about the situation.... i want to know what happened, can't resist 👀👀

oh my goodd it's so eerie to explain it to someone who wasn't involved but this silly little mobile dating sim was just an initial passion project from a small team of employees of an indie game developer that was basically given six weeks to turn in something completely self-indulgent and it quickly got a backing on kickstarter around 2016-2017? beyond that it was quite a classic case of a project becoming more famous than its creators expected and it turns into a bit of a mess bc of their lack of experience. and by that i mean they got very close to the fans, and that's bound to open a can of worms. they used to make weekly q&as and you can't imagine what an exciting event that was, oh my god literally everyone was in a discord server losing their shit bc the devs had opened the askbox and we could ask the stupidest questions in the world about their characters and they would answer bc frankly they were very funny and the characters were all like... established in a funny enough way that it was so easy to make good jokes about them.

and i think what makes it very interesting is that the fandom was actually pretty small, but it felt HUGE. those q&as seemed like the most viral posts you could run into when you logged on tumblr but really most of them had a couple thousand notes at best, even when the arcana was at its most popular. it was literally like living in a small village where everybody knew EVERYBODY. if you posted something, high chance everyone in the fandom would see and reblog. it was like a hive mind.

also part of the reason why it felt so huge was bc everyone was churning out fan content like CRAZY, i don't think there was ever any fandom i've personally been in where i've seen so many people create so much damn stuff and frankly i think it's one of its strongest features. idk what it is about this game but everytime i revisit it inspires me so much, suddenly i wanna pick up my tablet after months, i wanna try writing again, etc. it's just wonderful at urging you to create and i have no idea how one even achieves that.

but yea the fandom slowly disappeared partly due to controversies, some of the creators were found to have been into some questionable stuff back in their not so olden days and they stepped away from the limelight, afterwards i believe a lot of the team stepped away from the game altogether. but it was weird because the controversies were constant, not just towards the creators but also within the fandom itself 💀 and given the huge volume of them they of course ranged from reasonable criticism especially regarding the representation of the characters of color, or the absurd microtransaction to stuff like 'his eyes are drawn bigger in this cg so the artists wanted to make him look like a child so this game caters to pedos actually' dkjgdkfj i saw some CRAZY takes and the bad faith criticism definitely overshadowed the reasonable voices in my opinion, it was not balanced at all. they stopped doing the q&as, the posts they made on their official tumblr became way more sanitized, and actually in a way so did some aspects of the game, and little by little it grew quieter.

and now it's... silent. but it's so near and dear to my heart, i think it's an absolutely wonderful game and what i love about it the most is how much it inspires people to create. and i think the reason why is bc unlike in many games like this (at least i think, i'm not sure cause i haven't played many) your character doesn't just suddenly meet every love interests. they have a connection to some of the love interests and a past they don't remember so it's very interesting to peel those layers back, BUT because it's your character the story stays quite vague about the past. so it's incredibly fun to speculate, to create a backstory, etc! that's i think one of my favorite things about it and it's not a coincidence that arcana went on to inspire some fans to venture into the visual novel genre as creators themselves.

and yea overall it just felt like a close positive community (well. mostly really, we are talking about a fandom on tumblr here so) and a super creative and inspiring one. the jokes were super fun, the art was top notch, the writing was also good. so yea i kinda miss it and it's sad to see how empty it seems now? like i see people from 2020 onward go 'ohh i just discovered this game' and i'm like... MY SWEET SUMMER CHILD... YOU HAVE NO IDEA.... YOU HAD TO BE THERE.... and ig i didn't really answer your question bc i kind of glossed over the drama but i went through the whole phenomenon bc i think it was. really interesting to witness 🫡

[boyjoan]

hiii hi my lovely henry!!! how are you doing? i hope you have had a lovely start to the month (sending lots of new spring flowers + sunny days your way xx) i've been going through your partridge family breakfast tag + its just SO lovely oh my gosh i love food so much...<3 have been feeling very uninspired with my dinners + was wondering if you'd tried any fun new recipes lately? (also !! going out to buy myself a pack of english muffins + butter + salt + apples for this week's breakfast!!! very excited hehe<3)

THEA!!!! How beautiful to see you!!!! come in sit down let me get you a lovely beverage <33 your well wishes are MUCH appreciated and returned tenfold i hope march is so kind to you and brings you peace unlike any you've ever experienced....

(I must mention i think of you every day when i watch gilmore girls bc your art makes me so overjoyed...)

Ahhhhhhh that makes me so HAPPY im so glad you're enjoying my little Food Posts <3 food to me.....the most powerful expression of love and the oldest....

What a LOVELY question and a very kind open door for me to talk abt food, you're a sweetheart!! Recently I've been very into thai food which im always hesitant to reccomend bc it has a lot of new ingrediants if you dont normally cook from that part of the world!! However if you Are up for an adventure and want to keep it simple: massaman curry. You can add beef or just potatoes to keep it vegan, and it is so bloody good. Make a batch on a sunday and eat it cold for like three days, i use the bbc goodfood recipe!! For smth even simpler, combine red thai paste with coconut milk, heat until reduced, and enjoy........i make this when im not very well and shove in cooked chicken or veggies!!

SOUP! I've been making chicken and leek soup.....but you can make just veggie soup if you prefer...combined vegetables of your choice (i like garlic, onion, carrot and leek, with a sprig of thyme) into a small portion of melted butter in a pan. Add stock (chicken or veggie) and allow to reduce. Stir through cooked shredded chicken or quick cook veggies like sugar snap peas or baby corn!! So warming bc it's been raining ALL the time omg....

Those are my big hitters at the moment!!! I hope you find sooo much recipe inspo my darling i CANT BELIEVE you're trying my favourite breakfast oh my god i eat it every day i hope you enjoy Please give me a full review if you so desire <3333

Thank you for stopping by my love!!!!

[measureyourlifeincake]

Malevolent E9 (not specifically about that ep but yknow. i havent listened past it so if anything i say is contradicted by anything in later eps, that's why): Been thinking about how Malevolent's story is so defined by the constraints of its creation and the problem-solving used to get around that (I mean, I suppose the same can be said to some degree for nearly any piece of art, but it really jumps out for me here).

The first and most obvious example is Arthur's blindness, with John "acting as his eyes" by describing their surroundings for him (and the audience)—it's (to me at least) clearly contrived as a way to get around the "This Gun In My Right Hand Is Loaded" problem, but it also is kind of the main conceit of the plot, and immediately defines John and Arthur's relationship—Arthur has to rely upon John from the jump, even though he has no real proof of his intentions or trustworthiness. "I have your eyes," John says, a threat as much as it is a fact. All John has to do to harm Arthur is stop talking and watch him blunder around without his help (which he does do eventually, but the threat hanging over his head is, at least initially, enough to convince Arthur to cooperate with him). It's an interesting tool for the audience to understand what is going on at any given point of the story, but also, it has real actual consequences in the story that reverberate through the narrative.

(putting the rest under the cut bc this got Long)

There's also the fact that John and Arthur are constantly recapping what has happened and laying out what all their options and potential consequences of said options are going forward. To me, this (as well as the above) feels like the author's main goal is to make sure the audience is clear on Exactly what is going on At All Times. The episodes only come out once a month, after all, and it could be hard to remember what happened in the last episode if you haven't revisited it since then (also I am just now realizing that this is sort of paralleled with Arthur's month-long coma). There's also the thing about how apparently Patreon supporters can influence where the story goes, and I'm not entirely sure how that works, but it gives Guthrie another incentive to make sure the audience has all the possible options laid out for them.

But, while I do think this is done mainly for the audience's benefit, it does also tell us a lot about Arthur and John's characters/relationship. It says that, despite any differences of opinion or questions of trust they may have��they do view whatever they have together (which I have been told... changes over time, but for right now I'm just talking about their relationship up until where I've listened) as an actual partnership—they want to make sure they are on the same page, or at least understand what the other is thinking. They may disagree on the correct course of action, but Arthur pretty much always tells John what he's doing instead of trying to get one over on him. Also, since they do try to reason out everything they do, and Arthur keeps charging into risky situations ass-first anyway, it tells us that Arthur sees himself as a very intelligent and rational man, when really he just seems to be very good at justifying whatever stupid decisions he might make in the pursuit of Knowledge.

And then there's uh. Women. (I sorta mentioned this in a different post but I can't stop turning it around in my brain)

So it seems that Harlan Guthrie a) has decided to not hire any voice actors and just voice every character himself, and b) doesn't seem to believe himself capable of convincingly voicing a female character (or just doesn't want to. idk).

This doesn't mean that there aren't any women or girls in Malevolent—on the contrary, the podcast is full of them. They are all either old crones or daughters—crazy old women and wraiths and babies and missing girls and missing girls and dead missing girls. They cry, they wheeze, they laugh, they write letters to close friends (but of course, their friends are not there to read the letters), but they can never speak for themselves, in their own voices. They must be dead, or wordless, or both.

They haunt the narrative, and haunt the narrative, and haunt the narrative. They are metaphysically incapable of doing anything else. They can save Arthur's life, help guide his way, but they can never have a simple conversation with him. Obviously Arthur had to be in a coma for just long enough that Amanda/Sarah died before he could talk to her. It couldn't ever have gone any other way—the world doesn't work like that.

And then there's Arthur's daughter. She's dead. It hasn't been explicitly stated yet at the point I'm at (she's mentioned for the first time at the end of E9), but it's pretty obvious. Not only did he mention her name first when he was literally dying, but just. Of course she is. There's no chance she isn't, that maybe Arthur thinks she's dead but really something else has happened to her—all daughters are dead. That's just how it works. (except for that one baby, I suppose. The baby is interesting—I notice they explicitly refer to her as female when I don't think they had a way to know that*. She just Is a girl, she has to be. She needs protecting, therefore she is a Daughter, plain and simple).

And learning that Arthur has (had) a daughter has caused me to look at the rest of the girls in this podcast differently (and is honestly a big reason why I wanted to write this post in the first place.) Those missing-turned-dead girls, the baby, all those young girls haunting the narrative—they're all his daughter, naturally. (not literally but y'know, meta-narratively or whatever) They're not just haunting the narrative, but haunting him specifically.

Anyway, girls haunting horror stories and fridged women and whatever other tropes that keep women from fully participating in stories are nothing new, obviously (and I imagine that Guthrie is very intentional when he invokes those tropes—this whole thing is a big ol' nod to Lovecraft, there's no way this guy is doing horror tropes by accident), but the fact that it seems to be like that mostly because Guthrie just Didn't Want to Hire An Actor makes it way more interesting to me.

I'm sure most (if not all) of this has been discussed in the fandom already, but I haven't read any meta or anything yet and I just wanted to get my thoughts down. Honestly, part of why I made this post is that I feel like I can clearly see what Guthrie was going for in how he built this story (/is building this story) and how it works within the world of the characters, but I'm still trying to puzzle out how I personally feel about the choices he made. (ex: do I appreciate how clear he makes things for the listener or do i feel like my hand is being held to much and i'm not being trusted to understand what's going on? if the latter, is it integrated into the story well enough for me to forgive it?) Writing this has... not actually helped much. I'll let you know if I figure it out.

*Okay I went back to the transcript, and it seems they start using she/her pronouns for the baby as soon as the old woman gives her to them. I assumed that the baby was wearing clothes or swaddled in a blanket the whole time, but I don't think this is ever explicitly stated, so it's possible it could've been clear once John was able to get a close enough look at her. Still, this is very much glossed over. Which, granted, it would be weird if they took a moment in the text to like, look at the baby's genitals, so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[kiisuuumii]

some introspection this morning abt a feeling from last night abt social interactions, letting ppl in, fear of everything coming to a sour end, and hope

up until this past february, i hadnt allowed a completely new person into my life, like really into my life, for quite a long while; the last person was an old coworker, who id met two years ago now. and ive always been the sort to struggle w social interactions and connections of all types, so when i made my first blog and decided to start posting poetry there, i had prepped myself mentally somewhat to interact w others (last time i put myself out onto the internet was in 2020 lol), but i dont think i was as emotionally ready as i shouldve been, to the point of letting my emotions get the better of me and hurting myself and others twice now since march

its safe to say that im scared, of letting ppl in, of my emotions taking over, of hurting someone else again. its safe to say that i dont trust myself to not let any of this happen again. and maybe its a control issue thing. i know that nobody's perfect, let alone me, and yet i find it difficult to extend the sort of grace id give to others, to myself.

so when someone reached out to me last night to tell me that theyre there if id like a friend (and hello friend if youre reading this sorry im making an example of you), it brought up the question of whether i felt i /could/ let someone new in. and ik that its not like i have to be vulnerable, spewing every little thing abt myself, right from the start, and ik that how connections progress varies from one to another. i think the question really becomes whether i trust myself to know how navigate new connections in ways that are not only true to myself, but also with my highest good in mind, and whether im willing to take the risk that someone's presence in my life wont last forever

thats another thing with me; when i grow fond of someone, i want them to always have a presence in my life to some degree, because i love them, and i want to not only be apart of their lives, but also them apart of mine. but thats not what happens every time; people come and go, thats just how it is, and i struggle horribly with letting go, even since i was a kid

but i dont want to let the fear of losing someone keep me from letting people into my life. i crave connection, i crave understanding. i cant have those things without letting someone in and letting them try, and letting myself try.

i want to live this life with as few regrets as i can. yet it seems like ive just been piling them up over the past four months. am i just going to regret letting other people in going forward, too?

theres only one real way to find out. and im terrified. genuinely terrified. bc im sick of hurting others. im sick of beating myself up. but you have to do the thing scared. you have to. or else you wont do it at all. you'll keep making excuses for yourself, saying you arent ready, but when will that be? are we ever truly ready for anything, let alone change?

you have to hope that the next time'll be different. statistically, its not impossible. you have to hope. how else can things change if you dont have hope that they will?

hope doesnt have to mean trusting yourself completely. it just has to mean believing in the small part of you that wants things to change to do what they can with what they have to bring about that change.

i'll always believe that so long as i have the hope that i can change, i'll be able to find whats the best decision for me, in whatever moment i find myself in. that, that hope will eventually usher in the change im striving for, someday, one way, or another.

[ruvviks]

it took me Several Tries to send this ask bc i forgor their names again. BUT 3 & 41 for artyom and sascha!!!

COMFORT FOOD [x] characters >> artyom mikhaylov (oc), callinan tain (oc), sascha kovalevsky (oc) context >> date unknown; the party is visiting myvetal in the west of scayrius, initially there to help out an old friend but now working for archmage marius jahal, whose true intentions have yet to reveal themselves total >> 1.2k words warnings >> food, paranoia

‘Artyom? We’re back!’

Lorelei’s warm voice echoed through the large entrance hall of the house the party had been calling home over the last few months. A much fancier place than any of them were used to– most of their visits to other towns ended with them seeking shelter in the nearest inn they could find or setting up camp in a nearby field– but it was a welcomed break from the leaky ceilings and creaky wooden floorboards they had grown used to ever since they had started traveling together.

Sascha took off his overcoat and tossed it over the back of a dining chair, smiling as he watched Berry and Teacup dart back outside to run around in the rain. It had been going for a while now; not out of the ordinary for the time of year, and he knew from his studies the fields surrounding town could easily turn into a marsh until the heavy precipitation period was over.

They were staying in Myvetal, the largest city in the west of Scayrius. With its cobbled roads, narrow alleyways and tall houses it was surprisingly similar to Zarevsk and Neryugrad back at home– save for some cultural aspects and the significant lack of steep hills and raised districts, that was. A densely populated center with shops and taverns scattered about, small marketplaces creating cozy neighborhoods within the central district and even at the edge of town, where their house could be found, it was still busy enough to feel like you were right in the middle of it.

But despite the similarities to his home country, Sascha did not like it there.

Perhaps it was the way people stared at him, whenever he was outside. He was familiar enough with it to not let it get to him on most days, but the feeling of eyes on his back burning holes through the back of his skull haunted him like the presence of his patron, a dark shadow hanging over him and unwillingly keeping him alert for danger that was not even there.

Or perhaps it was the business they had stumbled into by accident, the second they had arrived in town. Receiving jobs from an archmage of all possibilities– Marius Jahal, one of the most important men of town if not the whole country– without clear understanding why they had to do any of what he was asking from them in the first place.

Sascha did not trust the man. He trusted Lorelei and Vatha’s judgment, of course; and if they did not question Marius then neither should he, and generally speaking the jobs they’d done so far had gone well and he had no reason to believe they were unknowingly on the wrong side of a conflict.

It was mainly the mage’s interest in Artyom that bothered him. The way he tried to get closer to him, to get a look at his research– his offers to become Artyom’s mentor, to help him with his thesis. None of it sat right with Sascha at all, and while he did not have the best intuition in the world the bad feeling gnawing at him from within was enough to make the hairs on his arms stand up straight every time he thought a little too long about it.

‘Oh, you are all soaked. Weather that bad outside?’

Artyom’s voice dragged Sascha out of his thoughts and he looked up to see his partner stand in the doorway of the kitchen, leaning against the post with a crooked smile on his face. He waved him over and when Sascha got within reach he gently brushed some of the wet strands of hair stuck to his forehead out of his face and pressed a kiss on his temple.

He had stayed home that day. On Sascha’s request; Artyom had been studying the days away in Marius’ tower for the past week and had barely gotten any rest in between, and to take him along to exterminate a whole nest of ghouls holed up in one of the city’s warehouses would have been far from the brightest idea.

‘Everything went well here while we were away?’ Sascha asked, smiling softly as he allowed Artyom to wrap his arms around his waist and kiss the corner of his mouth.

‘I should be the one asking you that,’ was the answer, followed by another kiss on his cheek. ‘But yes, yes– all is well. No visitors, no trouble. I made dinner.’

‘Hmm– it smells lovely.’

‘Come on, of course it does. I made it.’

Artyom’s confidence had to be one of the most charming things about him to Sascha. And he was right, too– Artyom’s cooking was the best of all of them without a single doubt, and possibly the best food Sascha had ever eaten in his whole life.

‘What did you make?’ he asked, taking Artyom’s hand and allowing him to drag him into the kitchen where Callinan was already peering into one of the pans on the fire. He hadn’t even needed to ask; was able to tell from smell alone it was a wolf roast with honey and glazed onions, with baby potatoes and asparagus on the side. A meal that had been his comfort food for many years now– and considering they had known each other since the age of 12, of course Artyom knew about that.

‘You said we were having stew today!’ Callinan dramatically pointed out, the disappointment in their voice obviously fake and they only barely managed to dodge Artyom’s incoming swatting hand with a suppressed smile on their face. ‘I trusted you!’

‘That was your first mistake,’ Artyom playfully replied, managing to land a hit on Callinan’s wrist and effectively stopping them from trying to taste some of the still simmering sauce. ‘No, butcher had fresh meats in so I changed plans. We will have stew tomorrow.’

‘Well alright. Holding you to it.’

‘You are welcome to do so.’

Sascha stopped paying attention halfway through the conversation, leaning back into the furniture as he watched Artyom douse the fire with a single flick of his wrist and Callinan take out plates and utensils to set the table. The quiet moments were always his favorite; no danger lurking around the corner, just him and his friends in the safety and comfort of their own space finally getting the rest they deserved.

And perhaps one day his whole life could be quiet moments such as that. He was still young, of course– but with everything happening in the world, the unexplained rifts they had continued to run into, and Cthulhu’s influence gnawing away at his entire being, the thought of settling down brought him comfort like nothing else could.

His gaze wandered to the window and his eyes locked onto the dark storm clouds hanging above their heads. He could feel something tightening deep within his stomach– as if he was hungry, starving, and despite it being around dinnertime he knew very well that the hunger wasn’t his, and no meal would be able to sate it either.

A flash of lightning startled him, and he suddenly realized he was left alone in the kitchen.

For a second he could’ve sworn he saw the silhouette of a tentacle reaching out of the sky.