#bc it fills my brain

[littleliterarylesbian]

Dear James,

(part 2, backstory, James POV, accidental misgendering, 2k+ words) Part 1 Part 3

James Potter is a man who has lived with many regrets in his considerably short life. It's not surprising, living through a war that only made him do more and more morally gray things to win and not let Voldemort and the Death Eaters win. Thinking back on the height of the war makes him sick. Thinking of what officially kicked off the war for him makes him sick, it's surprising, but that's his biggest regret to date. Meeting her was never a regret, it was how they ended that ate at him until he could do nothing more than stare at the bed in his room. The last place he ever saw her.

She came to his home, shaking with red eyes and red cheeks, clutching her stomach. She had been crying, that much was obvious. James remembers watching as she made a beeline to his bedroom, slipping beneath the covers as if she lived there, and he hoped one day she would.

He got in behind her, holding her close, trying to warm up what seemed like her permanently cold skin. She had goosebumps where he touched her, rubbing her arms and legs. It was clear she needed this and he was more than happy to help.

"What do you want, love?" He remembers asking, softly as he brushed her long hair out of the way to plant a kiss on her neck.

"Let me help you feel better."

She nodded, softly, but he could feel her movement against him. She wasn't too far gone into her thoughts that she was lost, which was good.

"Tell me-" She took a deep, shaking breath, "Tell me about our future. Please." She pushed the words out of her like it pained her.

James didn't hesitate. He loved talking about their plans for when the War is over, he didn't even think the request was odd. He never thought about what she asked, James usually just did it without question. He trusted her with his life.

"The war will be over, and we'd have won. We'll move away," He said, talked of the future like it was a given, and at the time he thought it was, "To France or India, go to our roots. We'll have a big house, but not too big to make it seem lonely. We'll live far enough away from muggles to not disturb them, but close enough to go to town every weekend." He felt as she went limp in his arms and he admired her. Her long, wavy black hair, the freckles that dotted her skin, the mole on the back of her neck that eventually connected to more on her back which resembled the constellation her star is a part of.

"We'll get married, nothing too big, just with close family and friends, maybe a second wedding just to show off like us purebloods like to do." He paused waiting for her usual small giggle at that joke, but all he got was a sniffle. He frowned, but kissed her shoulder through her shirt, leaving his lips there so she could feel the words he was speaking into her skin.

"We'll have at least two kids, and they'll be set for life from the start. They'll have your eyes and your cheekbones. They'll pout the same way you do and make me crumble with just a please."

She seemed to curl into herself more at the mention of kids, James tried to reach for her hand, only for her to quickly shove both of them between her thighs. He sighed, but let it go. She always had those moments. He assumed at the time that she had another fight with her mother. And it was always a fight, never an argument.

"You'll be the best mother anyone could ask for, and you can start your apprenticeship like you've always wanted to but have never been able to. I'll be a quidditch player, because despite me never winning against your team, I'm the best chaser Hogwarts has ever seen."

He tried for another joke but felt her shoulders start to shake before he could actively hear her sobs. It's quiet, but he could hear her breath hitching along with the gasps.

James frowned, but before he could do anything she turned over, facing him. She gulps for air and James brings her in closer. They stayed like that, her burrowed in his arms, clutching his shirt as she cried. He doesn't know what caused this reaction, she's never cried this hard in front of him before. He almost doesn't know how to react, he probably wouldn't if he didn't live with Sirius for several years.

When she speaks James almost didn't hear her.

"I-I did something." Her words were quickly spat out through her tears, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

James frowned, kissing her head softly, "It won't change anything," He said, something he knew now was a lie, "I love you."

Those words seem to make her cry more.

She shook her head against him, pressing herself as close to him as she possibly could.

"You'll hate me-"

"I could never."

The truth, this time, he knows.

It takes a few seconds before she nods, removing herself from his hold. She looks devastated and James couldn't help but feel his heart crack for her.

At least that's how he felt before she reached for her sleeve.

He hardly had to wait long before he could see the tip of the mark. He immediately shot up from the bed, eyes wide as he stepped away.

She looked up to James, and looking back at it now, she looked so scared, so small, not at all like the strong, noble, cunning Black Heiress he knew and loved so much.

"James-" She reached out to him, but all he could focus on was the mark. The Dark Mark. Pressed into her skin permanently. Pressed into the arm that she used to reach out to him. The mark of people who want to kill innocents, the mark of an evil man who wants nothing more than to see the world under his control.

"What- What is that." It wasn't phrased as a question. He knew what it was. He just wanted to hear it come from her lips. Bile rose in his throat as he watched her scramble up, tears still dripping from her eyes.

"James, please, you know my family-"

"I know Sirius." He couldn't stop looking at it. Knowing that people with that mark have been trying to kill his friends, her friends.

"I know the person who truly cared about you," He saw her flinch at the use of past tense, but he was more focused on the mark that marred her pale skin, he couldn't even see her anymore, "How could you?" He hisses, his own tears coming to his eyes, "Was it fucking Crouch?" He asked, because he truly couldn't not wrap his head around it. Sure, he knew about Walburga and Orion, the abuse that they dish out to their children like it's just another afternoon, but whenever James asked her, she said they didn't need her to join the Death Eaters, not with Bellatrix there So that means there was another reason, a reason she wasn't saying.

She shook her head quickly, "No, you know-"

"Do I!?" He tried to ignore how she flinched, he swallowed down wanting to care for her.

"Because I just can't wrap my mind around this! Was all of this for nothing? Did our plans mean nothing to you?" He asked, not even wanting to hear her reaction as he yelled, "Was earlier just some way to rub salt into the wound?"

"No-"

James turned around, facing the wall, "I can't look at you right now." He spit out, "Leave."

He could hear her scramble out of the bed, her steps on the floor coming closer before it paused for just a few seconds behind him.

He hated the part of him that wanted her to stay, the fact that he could never truly hate her.

The silence in the room lasted only a few more seconds before she practically ran out of the room. He didn't hear the front door open, but instead the bathroom door. He heard her puke but he did nothing to help her. His forehead was still pressed against the wall as tears of his own rolled down his face. Remus was right, never love a Black. It never ends well.

She finally left, and that was the last time he ever saw her.

Several weeks later a letter arrived. He knew that handwriting. He dreamed about it almost some days.

But he couldn't bring himself to open the letter. It stayed at his bedside, haunting him every time he woke up and every time he tried to go to sleep. James needed to talk to her but also couldn't bear to. It was so confusing.

An Order meeting is what finally convinced him to read the letter. It was three weeks after it arrived and it's been haunting him ever since. He still finds her clothes in his wash, she haunts him.

It starts, as it usually does, Dumbledore reading out the names of the deceased. James didn't notice the name said at first, near the start, as her last started with B.

James didn't process it until after Sirius.

He watched, in real time, as Sirius heard about the death of his sister. Eyes going wide as Dumbledore paused. James saw the blood drain out of Sirius' face. Then James felt his own so the same as he finally processed the name being said.

"What-" Sirius choked out, "She's-?"

"I'm sorry Mr. Black." Dumbledore nodded towards him before looking at James, "And I'm sorry Mr. Potter."

James felt his breath catch.

"No-" He said, glancing to Remus and Sirius, Sirius was nodding already, looking so confused, "She can't be, I saw her-"

"She was reported missing two weeks ago, considered dead as of today."

Sirius got up and left. James and Remus joined him.

He watched as Sirius apparated and Remus and he followed, they knew where he was going. Potter Manor.

James watched as the door slammed open and Remus jogged in afterwards. James stayed outside for a second. Remembering her last moments with him. He felt his heart crack. He never listened to her. The last time he ever saw her was when he was angry and upset and they were both crying. He walks into his own home, and he watches Sirius break down.

Unlike his sister, Sirius won't curl into himself, he won't shield himself, he won't try and make himself invisible. He'll lash out, he'll break things, he'll scream and sob and make himself as loud as he possibly can.

It's what he was doing then. The Potter Manor is lucky it's seen this many times. James is lucky that he's seen this many times.

James walked in and photo frames were cracked and on the ground, the table split, the couch ripped. Sirius was screaming and James was pretty sure it was intelligible. Remus was trying to calm him down but it didn't work. It never worked when Sirius got drunk or too tired and forgot his sister was gone from the world. Despite all the times they had fought they still loved each other.

Sirius took three hours to calm down, collapsing onto the floor in sobs, Remus held him while James cleaned and mended everything before joining them.

"She's gone." Sirius cried, clutching at Remus' sweater.

"And I'll never fucking hear from her again!"

It's then James remembered the note. The one he never opened that was sitting on his night stand.

He accio'd it to himself, turning himself away and opening it as Sirius sobbed. He had to make sure it was okay for Sirius to read.

Or at least, that was his plan before a photo fluttered out of the folds of the envelope.

He picked it up and could do nothing but stare.

It was of her.

Not completely, but she stood in front of a mirror face forward for a few seconds, her shirt pulled up and tucked under her bra, before the photo moved and she turned to the side. His breath hitched and he felt his heart shatter. He was glad Sirius was a loud crier. She turned to the side and, just visible, just starting to show, was a baby bump.

He scrambled for the letter, unfolding it too quickly to the point where it ripped slightly.

Dear James,

I tried to tell you at your home, but I understand that it was a lot at the time. I wasn't in my right mind myself, but I have a plan.

Bellatrix let something slip, I needed to know more. I think I have figured out how to end the man who is called unkillable, but I needed to know more and this was the only way I could do it.

I was almost put in Ravenclaw for a reason, however this is dangerous, I do not expect to live with what I have found out.

But I have also found out that I am with child. Yours, obviously, as I have never been with another. Our plans were sped up, but now so were mine. Our child shouldn't be raised in war.

I cannot say much, but I wait for the man who calls himself The Dark Lord to die by my hands, but I, we, may parish before that happens.

But just in case, please send a letter back, within the next two weeks, as that's when I plan to leave, so I know, if I'm alive, that I can come back home to you. That we can come back home to you.

If you don't want me anymore, I understand. I ruined your trust, and I cannot build it back up by telling you what I'm doing.

I love you,

D.W.B

James started to cry, and when Sirius and Remus questioned him, he just held out the letter.

James doesn't know what would have happened if he opened the letter right away, if he responded, what he would have felt, if she had lived, and he thinks he'll forever hate himself for it.

The war is over now, ending as The Dark Lord's body was strung up grotesquely in front of the Ministry of Magic before he burst into flames in front of a crowd of people only three years ago. James is making food. It's a good day today in terms of his mental health and grief, he didn't immediately burst into tears while looking at the empty spot next to him, when an owl, one he doesn't recognize, flies through the open window and drops a letter. The owl doesn't wait for him before it flies back out. He frowns, confused. He wasn't expecting any letters today. Whenever anyone wants to tell him something they'll usually just walk or floo in.

He picks it up and drops it back on the counter almost immediately.

He recognizes that handwriting. He's reread a letter with that handwriting almost every night before he falls asleep and every morning when he wakes up.

One thing he doesn't recognize however, is the name. Regulus Arcturus Black.

[why-the-heck-not]

me, a responsible being, working on the coding project as I should vs. me, a dysfunctional shithead, getting distracted by reading about brains (once aGAIN damnit (it's my favorite "I need to study my field but bc I should do that it's an impossible unthinkable feat now, so I'm reading about something else to fool my brain I'm still being productive"-topic))

[obsob]

one small step for. kitties

[a2zillustration]

Gale and I had the exact same reaction when we opened that door.

| First | | Previous | | Next |

[[ All Croissant Adventures (chronological, desktop) ]]

[[ All Croissant Adventures (app) ]]

[tonydaddingham]

"...that joins Crowley and Aziraphale." (X)

[cerealmonster15]

walks into the function wearing a tshirt that says ASK ME ABOUT MY TOXIC THIRD YEARS POLYCULE HEADCANONS

this map has been stewing in my mind for years i think and i finally wrote it down in the illegible spaghetti way that i always do let's GO

lilia is not in the polycule he's just playing his own game of collecting sons. everyone is his son. he's also going to watch the drama because who doesn't love a soap opera playing out in real life he's got front row seats to the divorce vortex.

cater/trey/rook/vil are the ultimate four way polycule but also oh god theres so much going on there.

cater and trey are a ride or die duo but also trey knows cater sometimes isnt completely open with him but trey has a very passive nature to him as we've seen in book 1 and when he mentions cater's wish to himself in the starsending event... but theyre still close and care for each other a lot and i will die defending them if i have to fjdklsjfds

rook and vil oh my god rook and vil. they are so married. and so dramatic. and so. sdkfjsdkljf a little divorced because rook is also in love with the biggest rival of vils life but that is NOT enough to break their marriage. love finds a way. somehow. fdskjfjksdlg

^ i could go much more into both those duos but we simply. we dont have time we are moving along we are walking

rook and trey beloved science weirdos oh my god every time theyre on screen together theyre so funny. i love odd friendships. science marriage real.

cater canonically flirted with vil even tho it got somewhat censored in engtwst and was partially probably for clout reasons HOWEVER, to ME it's also for bisexual reasons. vil is canonically very pretty and caters like yeah 🧡🧡🧡 vil can see through when cater's being more superficial BUT ALSO they have genuine moments of getting along!!! like in events, beanfest 2 and the puppet one that's not out in eng yet. no spoilers here but there is a bit in puppet event that has me so vindicated on how they really do work well together and respect each other!!!!!!! into the polycule you go.

vil and trey,,, gestures to vil's lab coat story klsdjflksd they get along and it's cute. everybody loves trey.

even leona wants trey in the divorce polycule. no spoilers but please see playful land puppet event / leona's card vignette for that event. and also i think treys platinum birthday card story sljdflksdjf

the extreme difference between how malleus reacts to cater bothering him vs rook bothering him or even just Talking To Lilia is so funny. like he gets along with rook sometimes but in those two pe scenes hes SO aggro he wants that twink OBLITERATED he is going to KILL ROOK HUNT. but he will play tag with cater :^)

leona is the king of divorce. he is divorced to everyone he touches . he invented divorce. he's turbo divorced with vil and malleus because he and vil are just sooooooo. fsdkjfskdlg when therye on screen together it's like passive aggressive but mostly just aggressive bitching and bullying. theyre so funny. they have this energy of like "we have Tension but also i am going to kill you. i begrudgingly respect your abilities but i will only say so with layered insults." like the way vil says "so leona's got a pretty face but that's ALL he has going for him" like. multiple times. why does he keep doing that.

and then whatever he has going on with malleus is so funny. like malleus seems like hes a smug little bitch having fun with the banter [again he wants to Destroy Rook in those PE stories, but leona's blatant insults i feel like he's more teehee you stupid bitch >:)] and leona's just so pissed mad angry forever he's like no i need this dragon fucker DEAD for EXISTING !!! but i think malleus' having fun with the fellow teen experience of stupid razzing

leona and cater are giving me subtle divorced vibes in that one scene in book 2. listen. i have headcanons. ive talked about it. moving on 🚶

rook. leona. i feel i do not need to elaborate jfklsjfkljsekljfkl

idia is so funny. why are his opinions about everyone around him either "oh god hes ultra tier scary" or "he's so sparkly dazzling handsome beautiful". he does this often with no filter and it's so funny. i like that he and leona played chess for like hours or whatever in that one birthday vignette but i forget which one lol i think it was idia's union bday or something

do i have more to say. ive been thinking about them for hours and also years. i can and will talk about them forever i think they are So funny. this is just a messy summary of it all i'm barely scratching the surface i simply cannot go into full detail or this post will Never End GOODBYE!!!!

[potato-lord-but-not]

Genuine question, ‘cause I feel like for each post (and even for asks and stuff) you draw a LOT of little doodles or comics and your posts aren’t even that spaced out, time wise. Meanwhile, I feel like I’m drawing like, one sketch once in a blue moon and then I disappear for another few days for a week. How do you draw so much so fast?

bestie when I tell you drawing is my only hobby I MEAN it. I doodle in my free time and at family gatherings where I don’t know anybody and on my break at work and hanging out with my gf while they crochets ITS ALL I DO !!!!!!!

[bilaudad]

experimenting with more simplified or cartoon styles, and practicing not being afraid of color and not being so self-conscious showing the process

[manasurge]

Just a bit of lore relevant vent art (with terrible proportions bc apparently I mess that up horribly when I'm tired ugh. Watch me regret posting this tomorrow. The head size is already driving me mad bc it's too big, and I can feel myself wanting to abort this mission already) of Mourynn just, lying down on top of one of those large elevated Pale Tree roots far above the Grove (and far away from everyone else), and during the time between the early years and before the Personal story. Caithe is gone (Destiny's Edge), Wynne is gone (bc well, y'know...), even Faolain is gone (bc of Caithe in DE), and she's just feeling miserable, lost, and alone. (Her hair is in between her sapling hair and the Zhaitan hair, so it's grown out a bit bc she's depressed, and she's meant to be in the new outfit she designed, but I'm in the process of redesigning it a bit, so I've made a few tentative changes for now. Her collar is now just an extension of her clavicle leaves which can be put up like a collar, or can be draped down over her shoulders or back)

[st4rstudent]

Various other one-sided swap doodles inspired by oomfs comments

[phantomslink]

have been reblogging a lot of really good opinions that have put my feelings on the whole watcher situation into better words than i possibly ever could.

i love puppet history, and ghost files, and mystery files, and survival mode, and dish granted, because they were charming and funny to me. i was just happy to still have ghoul boys content after buzzfeed unsolved ended and i really enjoy cooking shows, so steven making impressive meals for people he seems to call friends made me happy too.

i dont think im entitled to anyones art. i cant afford a streaming service because i dont have a job. so i wont be able to continue supporting them simply on my own inability, not because i dont want to. im just a broke autistic person who gets frustrated with sudden, unforeseen change. we were All expecting a new show, not this. my own inability to easily deal with sudden change isnt a reflection on them, but their complete silence on the extreme backlash *is.*

whatever vague, tone-deaf responses have been given is what sealed the deal for me. not to be parasocial, but we all expected better of you, watcher boys. best of luck and comfortable lives to you all.

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

yk at this point i think its safe to say that Barnaby is my favorite. ive been trying to maintain an 'i love them all equally' mindset but lmaoooo there is a Very Clear Top Dog Here

[momomallowart]

Imagine if you will... Ray with a tongue piercing ʕ ꈍᴥꈍʔ 💭

A more "messy" version under the cut bc I wanted to practice tears and stuff.. 👀

[nyxronomicon]

Head empty. Only thought is Simeon finding out about your self hatred and railing you until you can't remember any of those thoughts

-body worship, insecurity, bit of angst, breeding in the tags-

Omg he'd be so gentle... He asks what's troubling you when he sees you frown at yourself in the mirror. When you tell him you're feeling self conscious and ugly he just disagrees immediately.

But Simeon knows all too well how little words can change someone's mind, often feeling disgusted and disappointed with himself for abandoning the brothers like he did. For choosing the celestial realm just for its familiarity. He's such a coward.

He knows now that conventional beauty is only skin deep and the ugliness just beneath the surface is often much worse than one would think. And he's stunned when you're talking about yourself like that because in all the time he's known you, he's never even once thought anything about you was ugly.

If anything, he was the ugly one.

His first attraction to you was your looks and the way you carried yourself. Every moment he spends with you he finds new things to love about you and it just crushes him that you don't see it. So even if he can't change your mind, he at least needs to prove to you that it doesn't matter what you think.

You're beautiful without even trying. Just a smile from you takes his breath away without fail. The words to describe how incredible you are always fail him. Being with you is healing. His wretched broken heart has been heavy with sin and betrayal for as long as he can remember but you make him feel like it can be fixed. Or maybe that he never really was broken to begin with.

All he wants is to give that feeling back to you.

So he shows you. Pulls you away from the mirror. "Focus on me. On how I love you." Is all he mumbles before tenderly kissing you. Your kisses get deeper, your insecurities vanishing as he pulls away. His eyes are full of adoration, lost in you.

You close your eyes and feel. His hands worship every part of you, taking his time to press kisses down your torso, wherever he thinks you're most insecure. He mumbles loving words as he goes, the author in him crafting the ultimate love scene just for you to hear.

And if you still don't believe him? Well, he'll keep going as long as he needs to~

[four-pointed-leaf]

thinking abt the time i wrote a very short snippet of a siffrin and loop interaction immediately after beating the king for the first time (and talking to loop thereafter) and hemmed and hawed for like thirty minutes about it probably being ooc considering i didn’t know most of what was going on with both of them still, then sent it my friends and they were like. no you pretty much got it man ggs

[jemmo]

ive been thinking a lot about age in the eighth sense, in terms of age gap and the roles of hyung and sunbae and dongsaeng and the behaviours they entail, and the label of the country mouse, and how, with the events of the end of ep 6, they are paralleling jihyun against jaewon’s younger brother with the accident and how I think there’s a crux at the heart of this that is jaewon needing to see jihyun as not his younger brother. and i get that’s weird and kinda yucky considering the nature of the relationship between the two, it’d be very weird if jaewon simply thought of jihyun as a stand in for his familial little brother, but I don’t think it’s like that, it’s not as simple as that.

I think it’s very clear jaewon misses his little brother, plain and simple. and perhaps that extends into missing having a little brother figure in his life, and when I say little brother, I don’t mean familial. that’s why that initial ‘dongsaeng’ messed with our heads in the first place, bc it can be familial and not, so here, and from now on, I mean not. this is not weird incest territory, don’t worry. I think he misses having someone younger, someone to look after. he misses being an older brother. maybe that’s why he so quickly befriends jihyun. attraction aside, maybe he wants someone to care for, and a freshman, a country mouse that knows nothing of the city, being his friend, teaching him city life and uni life, that’s the kind of thing you’d do with a younger brother, and that’s an experience he’s missed. and I think a sense of responsibility also plays into this, bc that’s probably something he feels he lacks after losing his brother. he was supposed to be responsible, supposed to look after him but he couldn’t, and so now he wants to feel like he can be that responsible hyung, he can look after someone, not so much to redeem himself or prove something, but more for himself, to fill an emptiness by fulfilling that role. idk, I don’t think this is something he does consciously, but his body language, his constant touching and how it’s guiding and comforting, at first I thought it was just a desire to touch and filtered through this acceptable closeness between men, especially from someone older. but now i think there is a sense of actual brotherly-ness to it, which I think adds to this confusing want to be close jaewon has that to some degree comes from jihyun filling that younger brother space jaewon has had empty for so long. again, i think people are tentative to approach this topic bc it does get into weird territory, but I think this whole thing is more… how do I say… it’s like how people say you get with someone like your parents, like how often is the phrase “she reminds me of your mom” said between a father and son in movies and tv. it’s not that you want to date your mom, it’s more that you like and value traits that are similar, they bring you comfort bc you’ve literally been raised to be comfortable around someone like that. it’s not incestuous. and I think a similar thing is happening here, even though I don’t think it’s a driving force, I think it’s part of it. which is important, and I like, bc of how this theme progresses.

as the show continues, we see jaewon’s mask slip more and more, and we see jihyun become bolder, which are two important factors that lead into what I think jaewon ultimately needs to realize. jihyun is not his little brother, and he needs to separate the two. there is this obvious path leading from ep 6 where jaewon thinks jihyun’s accident is his little brother all over again and he regresses and distances himself and blames himself, but what he needs to see is that the accident is different. he needs separation. and that comes in the form of jihyun, jihyun becoming bolder and more confident and forthcoming and, most importantly, responsible. at the end of the day, he is not a child, and in that ocean he is responsible for himself just as much, if not more, than jaewon is. he goes into that ocean knowing he’s not the best swimmer and still does it. is he swept up by jaewon and emotions and the kind of heightened vibe of the day? yes. but is it still his decision? yes, and it’s a bit reckless. he can say no to jaewon when he offers to surf and catch the big waves instead of the safety of the shallows where they were before. you’ve seen him bite back and sass and poke and joke with jaewon before, he is not a cowering little mouse (more on that in a sec), and he still agrees, so he has to take responsibility. maybe jaewon was responsible for his little brother but he’s not responsible for jihyun, an adult with their own mind. and jaewon seeing that, that he can’t blame himself when he’s not responsible for anyone here, might just be the thing that helps him get out of that mindset.

and it’s not like jihyun is adverse to this. If anything, I think in this next ep we will hear jihyun blame himself, accept the fact that what he did was maybe a bit stupid and he should’ve thought first. bc we see time and time again jihyun not wanting to be that innocent, naive country mouse. just think about how much he refutes it time and time again, like in that library scene. he doesn’t want to be that person. that’s why he came to the city. It’s why he’s trying new things and being brave, he wants to grow up and be responsible. and I love that this becomes almost a reversal of the classic hyung and dongsaeng roles in later eps, as jihyun becomes more confident while jaewon regresses into himself. jaewon shows his weaker side and jihyun, the younger, looks after him instead. look at ep 6, how he initiates both conversation and physical contact, something we saw jaewon do in earlier eps. I love it both in terms of this theme but also just for romance sake. as an extension of these roles, you expect the older to make the moves and such, but I love that there are equal moments in this show that jaewon gets to be the one getting hit on, be it the scene where jihyun teaches him to draw or calls him cute when he’s drunk. you’d so typically expect to see a hyung doing those things to someone younger, but it shows equality in their relationship that counters those stereotypes in the simple and subtlest ways and I adore it.

this show has a strong theme overall of what’s expected vs how people actually are, be it from drinking etiquette to romance, but just like in that first scene with jihyun’s bar owner, one thing may be expected, but what people actually want, what makes people comfortable, can be something else. and by jihyun so simply not conforming to the country mouse persona initially put on him in such simple but outright ways, he acts as such a great challenge to jaewon, who wears his mask of expectation so frequently. it may be what’s expected, but have you ever considered that it’s not what people actually want? that they might actually want the real you, and all the so-called imperfection of it? bc when does that mask stop being a burden and start being a safety blanket, that shields you from the pain of actually being hurt in a genuine relationship, that hurts more than the pain of pretending. jaewon says over and over again that he’s tired of wearing the mask, but the mask is, ultimately, self inflicted, and as much as you can blame society and parents for expecting things from him, there’s a point when you become an adult where you get to decide for yourself who you are. again, he said it himself, just as he was afraid to leave the safety of the military, he’s afraid to leave the safety of uni, the bubble where what’s expected is clearly defined and can be performed. after that, the rules aren’t as clear. so much more of it depends on you. it’s the process of becoming an adult, of growing up. it’s a process jihyun is on, but jaewon, to be at least, seems further behind in. maybe bc he never got the chance at a fresh start like jihyun and is trapped by preconceived notions the people around him have of him by knowing him for years. maybe it’s bc of the loss of his little brother, and feeling trapped in that time, and a fear of growing up out of that person he was when his brother was there. maybe it’s bc he still feels trapped under his parents thumb, bc despite becoming an adult, you can never really be free of your parents.

I said this before, but it’s just like how they both said they’re jealous of each other, but what they’re jealous of is a preconceived notion of youth and age, not-knowing and knowing, naivety and experience, when again they don’t match these stereotypes. jihyun is not naive, and jaewon doesn’t know everything. Life experience is not all it’s cracked up to be bc it can’t all be good, but knowing nothing isn’t the bliss ignorance is often expressed to be. I’ve rambled on and waxed pathetically poetic long enough about these two to be embarrassing, but as a show that actually involves an age gap, and neither hides away from it nor exploits it for it’s played up romantic tropes, I adore that they let this factor naturally play into the bigger story being told, bc age actually means nothing here, and more than anything, jihyun and jaewon strive to be equals to each other, in their world void of expectations.