#bc it Already is such a me song to Me. but when will someone be inlove with me and make me a playlist and this is the first song on it. huh!
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having the miya twins as your brothers would mean them betting over who’d cry on your wedding first
#babbles.#you’re not even halfway through the aisle but atsumu is already biting back sobs#he tries SO HARD but tears are already streaming down his cheeks#and osamu looks at him weirdly bc his twin is being so dramatic for what ??#you moving out soon to start a new life with your partner ??#you have to remember they were the first men in your life#the first to make you laugh#the first to make you cry#your first dance (you were 4 and they blessed you with songs by destinys child)#you and atsumu raced on your bikes when you were younger and you two were going so fast you went sliding down the hill#explaining the scar on your right elbow#you can cook almost as well as osamu now after all those years of asking him to teach you so that you can impress your now lifelong partner#osamu realizes that their baby sister is all grown up now#and he CRIES#he and atsumu have their arms around each other’s shoulders as they listen to you say your vows#and they forget about the bet because .#they’re proud#so so so proud#CRYING#someone tell me to stop thinking of miya twins x younger sister headcannons#in my head they took it upon themselves to protect and take care of their single mother and baby sister#UGH#im obsessed#(omg and what if . the groom is suna UDHEJDJWKDJS IM PROJECTING BYE)
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Saw the ghost movie that I was really excited about. Was disappointing. Ultimately it was just really…okay or downright bad in the parts that weren’t concert footage. More specific comments below the cut because spoilers, I guess, but there’s really nothing that happens in this movie that matters enough to count as a spoiler.
First, if this had just been concert footage, it would have been much more enjoyable. The movie parts were not at all interesting and each cutaway made it drag on and on. I hadn’t slept well the night before the showing, so the movie itself wasn’t the reason I was dozing off at some parts…but it also wasn’t helping keep me AWAKE outside of the concert footage. No complaints about that footage (mostly, but I’ll get back to it later).
Story: whoops, Tobias Forge can’t write! Sorry, that’s a bit mean, but…I paid money to watch this, so I’ll be a little bit mean. Seriously, this thing needed at least a couple more passes with the script. Every. single. conversation. as repeating what was already brought up in the OPENING voiceover: Cardi doesn’t wanna die, doesn’t wanna stop fronting for Ghost, but everything ends eventually. Yes, we GET IT. We do not need several scenes of Cardi with his parents saying it over and over again with no additional information added to understand that. After the opening VO, we could’ve just had one scene of Cardi looking a bit forlornly at himself in the mirror, and then Sister Imperator happily telling him that “things are going to be changing in the clergy soon!” or something like that and he looks unhappy.
That’s what I thought we were getting at first, but then it just. Kept happening??? Like oh my god Tobias, I get it, Cardi doesn’t want this to end, I KNOW. The quality of the writing suggests that Tobias is one of three things: incompetent at writing anything longer than a short (maybe, but the other two are a bit more likely), had no real story to tell and this could’ve been one of the shorts so he had to pad it out to an insufferable length (definitely), or so full of himself that he thought “eh, I don’t actually have anything to say, but this way I’ll get to be on screen the whole time and the only writer credited,” (probable). It’s just so offensive considering I know there were so many resources available to make this GOOD: more time, writing assistance or hiring a real writer, etc. and yet they were not taken advantage of. If this was something just put up on YouTube I really couldn't care less about the quality, but if you're charging money for this AND are as big as Ghost is, you can't expect to slide by with mediocrity. Except he will, because apparently everyone else loved this thing. Okay. Also, the humor overall just fell super flat. There were several moments where I was like, "wait, was that a joke? was I meant to laugh there?" because they were just nothing. Also, there was a fart joke. Okay.
Acting: sorry, I’m going to be mean again. The acting in the movie parts was very. Hit or miss is what I’m gonna call it. The voice acting in the voiceovers at the beginning and the end were oddly rushed in several places? They weren’t placing words in very natural ways and it just felt like they needed to do another take for some of the lines. It’s especially noticeable in the beginning voiceover because in most of it he’s speaking at a slower pace and it’s perfect and sounds great, but then he just…speeds up sometimes? And it doesn’t feel intentional and isn’t in places that make it feel like it makes sense to speed up for dramatic effect. In Sister Imp’s voiceover at the end, she is also just speeding through it and it’s incredibly awkward, because in a lot of places it’s noticeably faster than she’s speaking in her other scenes. Like, guys, you know you can shoot more footage right??? You can put some b roll in??? You don’t have to squeeze the whole speech into the shorter shot you have if it’s going to compromise the actor’s delivery.
Tobias' acting was passable for the whole thing, though that might be partially because he's not acting with his face as much as the others, so it's less noticeable when something isn't quite working. Sister Imp did a fine job for the most part, excluding her VO and some awkwardness (and no, not intentional awkwardness) in a couple scenes with Papa Nihil. Papa was also fine; nothing to write home about but nothing terrible stood out to me. Most of the issues probably came from the special effects on him to make him ghostly, which I'm presuming involved him being on a green screen or something (I have no clue. Idk anything about making effects lmao.) I'm NOT going to really review the acting of the stagehands because that's not their main job and they already had a lot of work to do, but it wasn't so bad as to take anything away from the scenes they're in. Basically, the acting overall was okay, but not great, and it adds to how much the scenes drag on for sure.
Tiny section about the animated Mary On A Cross segment: I'm not gonna comment on the bad animation, because it's on purpose and emulating old Hanna-Barbera cartoons. My issue is that it makes zero sense and goes nowhere. Nihil chases Sister Imp around for a while looking forlorn and sad and desperate, and she runs away/beats him up while looking pissed off until they come across a graveyard and she pulls him into a kiss. Then it cuts to Nihil naked in a hotel room in the morning while she storms off angrily....okay? And? What changed her mind? Why is she still angry in the morning? Why does this matter at all? Knowing that Papa IV was the product of a one night stand is a footnote if this is all we get from it. Just weird, and didn't fit the song IMO.
Editing: super frantic and distracting in places, particularly the fast cuts in the concert footage. It's just a lot and can be disorienting. Nothing is really allowed to sit on screen for very long (which is related to another point...) but at the same time, some of the movie shots just linger for no reason. They're just awkward and clunky and repetitive. Some people disliked the crowd shots, but I thought they were fun and cute and used sparingly enough. Shout out to the dude in the nun costume!
Weird lack of concert footage: what they chose to keep and what to cut was just confusing. Most of the footage was just Tobias singing, short shots of the Ghouls rocking out, and crowd footage. Almost none of the Ghoul antics that they're known for, unless Tobias was also in shot and involved. Whenever he went backstage and a Ghoul took the spotlight (I'm sorry, I can never remember who is who, but it was usually White Guitar Ghoul if I recall correctly), it cut to a story moment which, again, were boring, repetitive, and told us nothing. It just felt disrespectful to cut out so much of the Ghouls and their performances, especially because the crowd and the fans love them a lot. They add so much to Ghost's live shows and, in my opinion, are more important to Ghost than Tobias. I don't care if that's a "controversial" Ghost opinion to have, but it really is true. I think anyone could be any of the Papas. But the Ghouls, even when they get changed out, are always so talented, so energetic, so passionate, and make Ghost what it is in a live setting. They were also missing from all but one movie scene, where one of them asks if they're doing an encore, and for a second I thought the line had been spoken by one of the stagehands. That's it.
(Okay, there's also there in the scene where Sister Imp dies, but they're just standing there.)
I can't speak for if the Ghouls themselves felt a bit sidelined or disrespected by this. I can't say for certain if they even wanted a bigger presence outside of the concert footage. But I can definitely say that, from a fan perspective, the lack of the Ghouls compared to how OFTEN Tobias is on screen, backstage, doing NOTHING when we could be watching the Ghouls was GLARINGLY obvious. It felt weird and it felt uneven. I started getting really irritated by about the third time it cut backstage when I could be watching the Ghouls! It just led to the whole thing feeling super vain and self-important considering Tobias wrote the film to be this way. Some people have defended this by saying, "well, they're the Nameless Ghouls!" but that's bullshit. They're part of Ghost canon too, so why don't we get anything from them? We can't even see a little bit about how they might be feeling regarding a Clergy mix up? Whether they care about the current Papa, or anything like that? Involving them would feel so much more interesting than just another Papa, but this one wants to KEEP singing!! Again, maybe the Ghouls didn't want to be more involved...but it felt off.
I've never seen Ghost live, so I had no frame of reference for how much was cut from the concert footage aside from the lack of Ghoul antics, which is what they're known for, but apparently several people who were at the concerts filmed for this noticed a ton of footage that was cut (again, mostly Ghouls) that they thought would have been more fun to see compared to so many backstage shots. And yet we got the sequence of him in a boxing outfit, walking through the crowd, which ended with...nothing? He just...does that? Waste of time. (AND YES, I KNOW that it is a reference. That doesn't make it good. It didn't need to be there. Replace it with something relevant.) It just exemplifies how much time is wasted in this movie.
Special effects: oh my god did anyone even look at this movie before sending it out Jesus Christ. The special effects are so bad I was genuinely shocked. When Papa IV and Papa Nihil are talking while IV is in a box (for some reason?? I actually don't know why) Nihil is weirdly sized and not lined up properly. It was odd. The greenscreen was so godawful I was honestly amazed. It's YouTuber comedy sketch levels of greenscreen quality. What the fuck? Especially compared to the amazing performance and how much work is put into their live shows, the horrid effects stood out starkly. Another comment on Nihil: his face is hard to see in some scenes. His ghostly effects make his features kind of blur together sometimes, and sometimes it doesn't, so it clearly wasn't intentional. Just another odd thing. The effect of him getting sucked into his body for his sax performance was very, very bad. I know you had the option to put more time and/or money into the effects, Tobias. Why did you not. What is your problem. Why the fuck would you put out a product of this quality for money and act like it's okay, especially considering the fact that this was marketed as a lore-heavy MOVIE and not just a concert film? If this was a smaller production I would not rag on the effects, but I know for a fact that Tobias has the resources for this to be better, and he chose to not use them. Honestly, it feels disrespectful.
That's the crux of my issues with this movie, really. It was teased as a real movie with real lore and serious effects on the canon of Ghost, and it was none of those things. The lore amounted to Sister Imp dying, which means nothing, because ghosts, and Cardi becoming Frater Imperator at the very end and then the movie ending. It's NOTHING. There's also an end credit scene apparently, which I did not stay to view, because I didn't care and I had been sitting for long enough. Basically, there are ghosts (including Sister Imp, obvi) and then another cliffhanger about meeting the new Papa, and an implication that Cardi has a twin who might be the new Papa. People are freaking out about this possibility. I have no idea why. It really doesn't seem like a big deal at this point when all the Papas have a crazy family situation. A secret twin doesn't even feel like a twist, and it's certainly not enough to count as an addition to the lore when it hasn't even been confirmed. At the risk of sounding rude, fellow Ghost fans, raise your standards. You deserve better.
And that's the crux of my issues with this whole thing. It's mediocre, it's boring, it's absolutely nothing outside of some fun concert footage, and yet it was billed as a must-see film and cost real, actual money to view. If they had been honest about it being a concert movie, I'd have been fine with that! I think they're fun, especially for those of us who can't go to live shows. But we were told it would be more than that, and it wasn't. It feels disrespectful, like Tobias knew he could just put out some slop and people would be okay with it, and it feels even worse because in a way, he was right. Tons of Ghost fans loved this movie, but the more positive reviews I see, the clearer it becomes that they just loved the chance to see the concerts, and love Ghost. Loving Ghost didn't make me love this movie. It just made me disappointed and sad. We could have gotten a great film, but we got something that was low effort because it's obvious that you can take advantage of the fans of something by throwing them crumbs and dressing it up to seem nicer than it is.
I appreciate that individual people on this production put tons of effort into this; the crew, the actors (excluding Tobias) who were clearly doing their best with what they had, and yes, I'm sure even the effects people did what they could with what they had. But all of the parts that were clearly Tobias' call were not high enough quality to be in a movie.
#yakketyyak#the band ghost#ghost bc#ghost band#papa emeritus iv#papa nihil#sister imperator#nameless ghouls#rite here rite now#movie review#sorry this is an essay this just pissed me off#we deserve better guys! if you give someone money for something#and they're already rich#or at least have a pretty large amount of money which TF or at least the company definitely has#then they're a piece of shit#don't try and tell me TF lives humble and needs monetary help i dont give a fuck the man isnt even close to broke#idgaf if u sided w TF on the lawsuit issue either lmao#whomp whomp the front man taking all the credit was expected to share the money with the ppl helping him oh nooo#u dont get to do the whole “im just a small little indie band” song and dance anymore when ur as big as ghost
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Heard Sonic Boom is 10 years old today so in its honour here's an edit of the Sonic Boom intro we all deserved
#sonic boom#sonic the hedgehog#alas..... had to get the. i think it's the French version of the intro? couldn't find the full one in English#not that it matters bc there was no dialogue only the text#i don't even remember if it's French actually i made this ages ago#listen i love sonic boom but the intro was just... not as good as the intro for every other sonic cartoon that came before it#truly it and we were robbed#especially when we had a perfectly good sonic boom song for it#(I'm sure there was probably some kind of legal issues reason they couldn’t use it. that doesn't stop me from Longing)#so i said fine i will do it myself#timing is a lil off but I'm too lazy to fix it so this is what we get#has someone already done this? undoubtedly. but i couldn’t find it so i made one myself#two cakes and all that jazz#oh look she speaks
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this is a test
#i’m bored i just wanna see how many words i can put in the tags like will it just keep going on forever or will they stop me like i know th#the tag limit is 30 ok so the iindividual tag limit is 140 characters that’s actually so rude i wanted to keep going forever and see how lo#g this could be but i guess we can do this 30 times ok what the flip should i talk about hm i was playing the guitar today but i rage quit#ause the song was hard and hurting my fingers! ermmmmm it was sunny ok this is boring let’s think of more exciting things to type hmmm acco#ding to all known laws of aviation- jk i’m not doing the bee movie script but can you imagine i think that would be funny hmmmmm words i lo#e podcasts so bad that’s a fact no one has ever know before my blog definitely isn’t all about audio dramas the people are definitely not a#ready aware of this jesus christ this is only the seventh one of these this is actually quite a lot of space i underestimated how much i ha#e to type btw there’s probably spelling mistakes in here somewhere or autocorrect has been annoying but i cba to retype anything so i don’t#care lolllllllllllll how do you feel about oscar malevolent i feel a normal amount actually (lie) yk what i really miss sam and colin alrea#y like i’m actually not okay i really hope we hear from sam again in s2 and also colin ngl i hope ur in the computers soz or not dead miss#im like a bastard my paranoid it king ok erm im running out of things to say um heartstopper s3 was crazy good i cried lmao i love gay peop#e so much it’s crazy i hope it gets renewed for s4 i need to reread the comics lowkey and the books they’re all so talented for being so yo#ng it scares me ngl !!!!!! the tmagp hiatus is getting to me slightly like february in reality is soon and not that far away for how podcas#ts go but seriously how am i supposed to live until then without knowing what happened. please colin be alive. ive only just realised i can#use fills stops. sorry that’s made everything a bit messy. i should’ve been doing this before. whoops. anyways. hi mutuals i love you all s#much i hope you enjoy my rambles and shitposts cause i enjoy yours very much! never think you’re being annoying i literally don’t care be a#annoying as you want posts as much as you want i am ur biggest fan <3 im getting a bit fatigued from typing like my mind is blank basically#now it’s just turned into a. stream of consciousness but i don’t really have any thoughts to put here idk if we’re halfway ermmmm omg it’s#lmost halloween how crazy is that time is flying by i kinda forgot it was october lmao. it’s wild how it’s basically almost christmas. like#what. that’s illegal. how is it wintertime again. what the flip. i miss summer already take me backkkkkkk. i hope my phone doesn’t crash or#smth cause i’ve not saved this as a draft and i cba to do any of this again. maybe i should save it. ok i will when i reach the next tag bc#ok it stopped me but i’ve saved it and holy jesus it’s a lot of text im just sat here giggling there’s really no point to any of this other#than me being bored sooooooooooooooooo (imagine if i just did the letter o for every character wouldn’t that be crazy) so wait there’s 140#haracters and 30 tags so what’s 30 x 140. someone hurry. i haven’t done maths lessons in two and a half years i’ve forgotten everything wai#let me get the calculator app ok im back it said 4100 characters so. i dont know how many words that roughly is but its. a decent amount. o#what the flip why am i wasting tag space with maths. i hate maths. my screen time has been actually soooooooooo bad recently like damn some#one put my phone in a block of ice please joshua gillespie style. my mind is running out of things to say. do i talk about myself. im james#im 18 which is weird cause wdym im an adult go away. ive run out of facts. i love podcasts and procedural dramas that stupid firefighter sh#w is my life unfortunately. i think chappell roan should be the queen of england instead of king charles. i dont like having a king cause#ho needs men in power not me. ok um this is the last tag equal rights for all. yolo. the time will pass anyways! thank u boredom ok bye gn:
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someone tell me to stop being a pussy and give the gas station guy my # tomorrow
#yell at me#bully me#he makes me want to throw up 🤣🤣🤣#it’s annoying that I only see him at his job bc I was feeling brave the other day B U T#there was someone behind me soo i was as anxious about that 💀#instead of being nervous about him lmao#ITS STRESSFUL#and I love when I go there and then Love Talk comes on when I leave 🤣🤣🤣🤧🤧#or if I’m thinking about going for no reason just to see him and buy something random and then the song comes on 😭😭#I be like ‘heard im ommfw’ 😭😭#ugh#I’ve been meaning to bring the cards out for this#maybe tonight I will but I feel like I already know he’s into me I’m just being a PU S S Y#U G H#when he was mopping another other day he literally started mopping all the way over to me 🤣😭😭 and was giggling about something I said#while I was checking out and I was gonna die bc it was so cute#then after I was done and I realized he mopped everywhere around that mfer said ‘jump’ 🤣🤣🤣 I said he was gonna have to carry me lmao#and he giggled again 😭😭 cutest giggle I ever heard in my life fr#send help
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It’s hard to make music when you have no instruments or software or skills or talent and also you don’t actually know how to play anything or make music and you’re dumb as hell
#hey it’s about that time of year where I get the urge again to try and make music before getting frustrated and quitting#don’t let your inability to do anything right get in the way of messing everything up forever and ever amen#every time I sit down to try and set up software and whatnot I end up wasting half a dozen hours before giving up#repeat once or twice every year or so for the last decade#how did I used to do this junk??? whaaaaa? I don’t understand computers.#I have an ooooold laptop buried in a box someone with sooo many unfinished songs. albums and albums worth. mostly just missing vocals#I used to sit and work on music for hours and hours#pretty much the only productive thing I did my first year of college was make an album#and now I’m just like… I don’t understand how anything works. I’m so old.#but I guess it’s… ya know… it’s been awhile and you can’t just expect to jump back in with the same skill and comfort#you’ve got get all the tedious beginning stuff out of the way. that’s just how it goes. it builds and builds.#it’s the opposite of eating an elephant. it’s frankensteining and elephant. gotta do it piece by piece.#basically I got another hand me down laptop. clean slate freshly wiped.#then I spent about 5 hours just setting it up and thennnnnn getting a bad virus bc I’m stupid as hell and don’t want to pay for software#I lost my software installer I already had so I rushed to 🏴☠️ the first decent one I could find#and then when I got warnings I said ‘meh the antivirus is probably exaggerating’#ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? ARE YOU STUPID!? you trust the illegal file over your own antivirus!? whatttt!?#i am very stupid#at least the laptop is pretty much empty. just gonna do another clean wipe and start again. hopefully smarter.#I really want this. I hate HATE talking about things I want to do because I invariable always fuck it up#it’s so stupid and sad but if pressed I would easily say my old shitty music are the things I’m most proud of in my life. even if they suck#I stopped making music when I moved to NY to be with my ex and I haven’t been able to get back into it since#I don’t even like music. it’s stupid and I’m half deaf. fuck you I hate you.#okay I love you bye#you can ignore this#text
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Girl help there's noises
#first the construction crew and now someone has been doing their goddamn lawn for an hour and it's like omg shut the fuck up!!!!!#i think its 'ben' the creepy neighbor but like that makes it more annoying agdgdgdggd#marquilla#im in a fibro flare so my nerves are already buzzy and this is making it worse#my body feels so wound up and i cant do anything to alleviate that bc my hips hurt#AND the crabs are tapping on the glass ('how do YOU like it bitch!!!') bc they wanna no HAVE TO go between the cabana and glass so more#sounds ughhhh im suprised i made it through my shift without losing it honestly bc this new girl who i dont care for plays her music SO#LOUD and shes two sections away from me it's that loud and it's not my taste in music so it's just grating to my ears#i mean it is even when it is a song i dont mind but still LOUD
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this has been my anti-depressant
#genuinely tweaking#im going crazy bc this song has been repeating for the past 2 weeks#AAGHHHHHHH#clap clap clap#😩😩#no one is stopping me from repeating this 24/7 or so#like#?!?!??????#slowly melting in the song#DOKYEOM’S VOCALS WILL FOREVER BE MY FAV >>>#scoups intro is like#ive already had my time long ago ranting this but it came back so suddenly#lemme tell u when this was first released#i was SCREAMING#and the fact that i was alone did not help my neighbors#they panicked cause they thought there was someone breaking in my house#BUT HOW COULD THEY BLAME ME SVT RELEASED THIS SONG?!?!? DO U EXPECT MY REACTION TO BE LUKEWARM#yk granny and granpa neighbor i had to go all out#seventeen#im so obsessed with this#contact me in 8–9 business weeks#this is on repeat i do not hear anything outside that song#👏#svt#and their choreography is so#AS I SAID IM GOING TO THE DANCEROOM RN
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I feel like I’ve achieved this site’s version of being the drummer from Coldplay because I have multiple 50k+ note posts and only around 3000 followers and even when I have anon turned on I almost never get hate mail. the last time I got hate mail was almost exactly 3 years ago and it was from a bunch of TERFs who were cranky bc I said that a gay man is still gay if his partner is a trans guy (and ditto lesbians dating trans women) but honestly TERFs can only be loosely described as people so it only half counts
#personal#erika's blog and bar#technically there was the one ask where someone was like ‘ppl are making fun of you and the post is more popular than the one you blazed’#I’m kinda surprised I didn’t get more hate for that one but then again I had anon turned off so#maybe most people were just cowards#it was a post parodying the song Footloose and I was loopy from exhaustion and thought it’d be funny to make people look at it#forgetting there are like 2 other popular posts doing the same thing bc it’s not like it’s a completely original joke#ppl in the notes of the other post were accusing me of being a Twitter transplant and like#children I was already a seasoned user of this site when you were in like kindergarten. I’ve been here since 2010#do not cite the deep magic to me witch
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Apparently, ALL I can do today is answer asks bc my brain will not allow for anything I need to do like write or finish formatting my book or ya know, housework. so... feel free to come sit and chat with me.
#i need an intern#can someone do this for me bc i dont wanna#but also i should get it done soon#prob before august#but also just it's done just finish it already#but i can't#and i'm hungry#but like it's not lunch yet#i should go move the laundry but i dont wanna#someone come hang with me i need company#but also ew#people#how many tags are allowed on these things?#idk i'm just rambling#which kelly says is cute#but i think she's just drunk when she sees it#it's prob not cute at all#ed sheeran is in my ears rn and i'm like Awwww#this is my jensen song#i can't explain why that's just for me to know#i should write. what should i write?#i dont even know anymore#i guess i should just hit post#or delete it#let's see what happens-
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"This extra space next to me belongs to you. I know where I end now. I won't get lost." -- shoot me (metaphorically) and leave me for dead (metaphorically) why won't you. To make this about Dylan and maybe it's about Connor, maybe it's about Brinksy, maybe it's about any journeyman in the NHL. My brain screamed Chris Driedger and his memorable (to me) Players' Tribune article:
And how can you mention Dylan and Zach (Za-ach, the way Dylan says it) without me having a breakdown about them? You simply can't. And for the younger dudes, maybe it's a little Bords/Briss, not yet steady in The Show, a little bit of distance, a summer that tries to erase and make up all the memories they've made separately... and then a blurry insta story in Vegas. Just like old times but somewhere else. Maybe it's not the same bed, maybe it's not the same set of forks, but maybe it's the principle of the thing.
Anyway, goodbye. Sorry for this, your tag walls make me break out in imagined scenarios.
Much love. xxx
please never be sorry for sending me messages <3 i love reading them i love getting them i think they’re beautiful and i love them i’m!!!!! [🥹💕🦋🫧✨💘😭 <- the best approximation of what my heart is doing]
ok NOW i am taking this step by step because every narrative here kicked me straight in the knees (metaphorically) i am w e e p i n g (literally): i knew tangentially about chris driedger going to seattle but i had never read his players’ tribune love letter to seattle & all i can say is oh. oh. and with the part about trains delayed but still being right on time—
sometimes a dream is a truth your heart knows long before you do. the space that the city and the team made for him (“you’d be the only guy on the team”)🗣️🗣️🗣️ !!! but the way that chris talks about needing to put in the work & leo not letting him quit,,, that’s chris filling up the teakettle with twice as much water, crowding one side of the bed (falling asleep against a bus window dreaming), becoming unburdened by the idea of not being their guy, not having the fallback being their draft pick to content and settle himself with. that’s chris betting on a future. that’s the train coming down the tracks, right on time.
(i am feeling unhinged about it)
SECOND. i know i was the one that said zach and dylan to start so technically i brought this on myself but also i have been ktfo by the mere mention of the way that dylan says zach’s name different from everyone else, stealing an extra breath, stealing as much time as he can get with him, which reminded me of a poem i just read:
The Need Is So Great, Jim Moore
^^^dylan still in love with zach even as he’s leaving, can feel himself losing him, and taking every sliver of the love in his smile that he can get. even if he knows zach doesn’t still feel the same way he’s drawing out the long goodbye & saying i love you in a thousand ways without ever saying it out loud (“i have been asking for a time but in ways that have no words” because he doesn’t want to ask too much, to ask for love) in the hope that zach will say it back OKAY I’M LEAVING i can’t do this
that was a lie because THREE. “maybe it’s the principle of the thing” please insert the most ungodly screech how could you just (lovingly) come in straight with the steel chair and bean me upside the head with that l i n e i think this story has the potential for such tragedy in it but also the most tender domestic longing because bords & briss have known each other for a long time (i think) and guys do sometimes lose themselves when they first get to the nhl.
it’s a big scene, you’re with big name guys, you’re finally doing the thing you always dreamed about, you’re no longer necessarily the best because everyone’s the best, you’re not sure how you fit in, you can get lost in the glitz and the glamor of it but you can also literally get lost in it, the slog of the season and getting caught up and down between teams and leagues and endless airports and buses and travel and ice rinks, losing your phone (accidental) and having new people hound you for quotes and fame and connection so you lose your phone (on purpose) and i think where i’m trying to go is: this could play out as the tragedy of borde going to the california coastline and briss shipping off to the vegas strip and both of them getting a little lost.
maybe there’s someone else, maybe i am steadfastly not thinking about “a summer that tries to erase and make up all the memories they've made separately” as either a summer of them pretending things are ok after a year of barely speaking and now being completely different people they never were before OR a summer of them trying to pretend like they can forget about each other because maybe they didn’t think their relationship was the same thing, is all, when they were or weren’t together. maybe it’s nobody’s fault but for the fact that they were scared and tired and lonely trying to make it in the big times and didn’t know how to show it. and then borde shows up with takeout and plastic forks in vegas and it’s december and nothing like winter in ann arbor and still they fill up all the empty spaces in each other with the things they didn’t know they’d miss until they were gone and this is the real thing, not whatever they were trying too hard to be, to recreate their own nostalgia for the love in their memories. it’s the principle of the thing, is all, to always be true to the love they have right now & not what they think it should be.
sorry that i wrote you kind of an essay of an answer but i had so so so many thoughts because your ask was so lovely so thank you for sending it to me (you are always welcome to!! i love your imagined scenarios!!! cannot even explain how much!!!) & thank you for taking the time to read my walls of tags :))) <3
#liv in the replies#every time you send me a message i do the thing where i’ve got heart emojis for thumbs & cease any coherency#FIRSTLY chris driedger who i loved as seattle’s goalie without even knowing the story:#dreidger fourth layer of a dream is making me tear up AGAIN hours later as i try to write this the echl the coast easy come hard to leave &#when he talks about being somebody’s guy laying my head down in the bog & dragging my hands over my face chris who let you say that. who let#u break my HEART i truly don’t think i will ever recover from the inception reference bc that’s what they all talk abt u know? the nhl dream#the players’ tribune articles are often some of the most poetic & touching sports writing & every time i am reminded i lose my shit about it#SECONDLY:#the ever present spectre of dylan’s first boyfriend zach werenski#i have so so so many quotes? drafts? posts? about the thing with saying someone’s name to call them closer to you i say your name to speak#more of you into the world so i will possibly look for some of those to say what i mean but also: this poem was originally reminiscent of#willingly by tess gallagher which is my ajax jack / superbuddies poem & this specifically did go with the a drop of paint / the light has#fallen through you part of it but there’s a part of THIS poem which i did not include that talks about the late light / has already happened#will go on happening forever & that whole poem with this now to say i know it’s embarrassing i’m asking for it :: easy to write about light#like falling asleep on the couch & having to carry yourself up to bed is the dylan/zach heartbreak of this. waiting & waiting for the things#you used to do & the love you used to / were promised to have with the hope that if you keep the coffee ready he’ll come drink it & instead#you have too many cups of tea one yours & one cold then half-warmed over & too sweet for your tastes but you’ve learned to drink it anyway#okAY now third:#this w/the UMICH BOYS? N O I DIDN’T EVEN!!! NOT A THOUGHT IN MY BRAIN!!! & now i can’t stop thinking!!! & i had an entire PLAYLIST already#a ??? while ago before i even truly knew the umich boys Narratives™️ i heard maude latour’s song ‘one more weekend’ & went hahaha isn’t that#a great song for when you have that One Summer of college before everyone splits off into their own lives? isn’t that a fun little umich boy#going into the nhl narrative?? to which i said NO but then it spiraled into a playlist &now there is delightful heartbreak to go with vibes#umich scholars please feel free to correct me if i’m wrong on any points i can’t remember anything presently about anything#also the f a c t that that vegas picture is real and i know exactly what you’re talking about is making me %^•*]+£’ bc how!! is that real!!!#okay ALSO just throwing in brinksy like a casual AHAHA have brainworm for a year (my autocorrect tried to go bringst like angst which. lmao)#connor and dylan… all of my journeymen… we did not touch that because i WILL start yelling about sam gagner and marc staal and#the chrysalis and the caterpillar
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I think whatever I end up doing the lesson is at its core "you need to stop seeing all attempts at saying you experience something as you taking up too much space and being dangerous, and you also need to understand everyone always makes mistakes sometimes (nothing anyone thinks is fully right) and you're not lesser and amateur at channelling because you aren't fully right, and also some third thing he says there is but idk what it is"
#Bc I don't want to be an authority anyway I just want to have fun embodying my role as a channeller of his like....#And IDK I think at some point I need to understand that cycles of abuse happen when people think they're owed something and that others#deserve to go through what they went through. But I.... Am so against continuing the cult cycle that I sit here making light of#my life's work and not respecting is at all on the off chance it might negatively impact anyone in any way bc negative impact on my mind is#just immediately equalled to Cult Activity in my head. But like. Bruh. I don't even like interacting w people that much and I have the#Schizotypal Thing of not having an impulse to make new friends let alone a fuckin cult#Anyway. I need to stop catastrophising ''it would be nice to make this whole channelling Leviathan into an official thing#and test the limits of channelling and divination and whatnot'' into ''oh my god that's making myself an authority like he said not to do#and also that's just borderline making a cult that's continuing cycles of abuse'' bruh. Me occasionally doing a reading about his opinions#on something for someone else while making sure that someone understands my disclaimers that it's being translated through me/etc#Or something like that. Is not..... Declaring myself an authority on anything nor roping them in to rely on me ESPECIALLY when I always#explain how you SHOULDN'T rely on me as fact bc it's never fact like that's....#Anyway. I should've expected this now that I think about it bc he often works with spiritual consultants for human groups and shit like#And he is endlessly humbling lbfr he always tells people who are worth working with when they're being dumb/etc and I want to be#Worth working with. Anyway. God hello I Need More by Misanthrop. ''I need more I need nothing I need more I need nothing'' yeah exactly#That's already a leviathan song this context is absolutely a mood. There is a MIDDLE GROUND.#Anyway again this is years away but#I'm way too socially anxious to do anything close to the thing like this blog just Existing is already testing all my social buttons but hey#ramblings //#Diary //
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😶🌫️hm.
#im trying so hard to distract myself#im blasting music in my ears to the point i might end up with tinnitus one day#im replaying some of my favorite songs#im playing my comfort songs#but im ngl im still a bit nervous#the urge to just grab my pocket knife and just. slit my wrist open where a major artery is or smthin or down a bunch of pills is SO strong#im tired of living. im tired of suffering everyday and being too scared to message anyone abt it bc i hate bothering people#not to mention when i finally DO have the guts to msg someone theyre already going through sht and i dont wanna put more on them#its not the first and it wont be the last time that i have the urge to just fuckign kill myself but.#i genuinely just dont see the point in me living.#people on here only see the brighter sides of me bc i only post the best of my days usually#but ive been in an abusive relationship. i have religious trauma. i have trauma from when i was a child that gave me ptsd.#i have serious depression. and i cant even take anti depressants because im on seizure meds.#life has always been nothing but shit and im sick of trying to be positive for everyone only to be called all sorts of names and abandoned#idk. maybe dying really wont be so bad. maybe it wont be painful. i dont know. i really dont.#im typing everything here bc i dont want to post this openly and ik 99.9% of people dont read my tags anyway so its...a nice way of venting#i think.
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i need. to be the epitome of true blue boygenius to somebody. that’s how i’ll know somebody’s in true love with me if i remind them of true blue. minus the hurting them bits. i want that to be a sol song so badly
#as my follower count grows i get more self conscious about posting on here lol#anyways. me when i am luke sunborn. u already Know it’s added to the iol playlist#i’m a winter boy but when will somebody think summer’s in my blood i can’t help but become the sun. huh!!!!#bc it Already is such a me song to Me. but when will someone be inlove with me and make me a playlist and this is the first song on it. huh!#sol speaks#hate that tag a lot can’t even lie but whatever
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Has anyone edited that orangutan video with ariana grandes thanku next because thats all i hear in my head when i see it
#personal#hes like. dont care next. not interesting next. no you showed me that already next thing#like ik the song is about being grateful but this mans be unimpressed just show him the next thingie already#yeah thank u. for holding it up to glass for me but fr next please#thank you next (your sunscreen is boring) thank u next (your snack is boring) thank you NEXT (your cosmetics bag is BORING)#also i now know shes a lady i did not when i started this post but im not retyping it so deal with it#if someones done this pls link me id make it myself and i still just might but im tried and dont wanna put energy into it rn#if it already exists thats great bc i dont have to do the work then this moon season has wiped me tf out
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sometimes, the impulsive thoughts win. and it is wild as hell that you can really get just about anything commissioned if you can find someone with the skillset and willingness to make it.. 👀
#uhhhhh the long and short of it is: i got very fixated on the idea of a certain song being my new ringtone#but i know how my brain works. and i will just go ''ah yes. someone forgot to plug in their earbuds'' if i use the original song#bc it doesnt have the Stereotypical Ringtone Beep Boop Sounds. apparently that style of music is called Midi#and my mind is starting to learn to tune out my current ringtone (which is bad no no no) which for anyone curious is the ringtone from#the song ''Full Disclosure'' in ''Steven Universe''. and ive already used Kim Possible's AND The Power Rangers' communicator sound#and my hearing loss means i cant reliably tell where the source of a sound is coming from. so i gotta have an Unusual Ringtone#cant use the default options bc half the time i go ''someone should really pick that up'' bc my dumbass forgets THATS MY RINGTONE if#its not atypical. but The Song I Really Want doesnt have a Ringtone Cover. so........... uhhh...... yeah..#im paying a gentleman on Fiverr $10 to $20 to make a Ringtone/Midi cover of it lmao rip LISTEN OK IM REALLY EXCITED ABOUT IT THO OK LISTEN#(also when i say ''use the original song'' i mean Any Cover That Uses Real Instruments okay gotta be ringtone style beeps and boops lol)#me
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