#bc i think it was sometime in college.
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i wonder sometimes what reigen was like in college
#mp100#mp 100#mob psycho 100#reigen arataka#mob psycho fanart#fan art#art tag#digital art#reigen 'i had so many friends growing up definitely was not a loser' turning into flamboyant extrovert conman of the century.#when did it happen. i have to know.#bc i think it was sometime in college.#theres so much self discovery going on.#reigen 'you dont have to be gay to know that naruto and sasuke were gay thats just facts its just having eyes'#later: 'ok i have something to say but this doesnt change my statement on naruto and sasuke'#sasunaru#narusasu#idk#naruto#i definitely didnt draw this while having a crisis 3 weeks ago. im normal.
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Just a little something to commemorate August’s two closest friends in the valley ! August and Abigail hit it off right away when August first moves in, and she really is like a partner in crime to August. Shane takes a *lot* longer to come around, but he manages to eventually, and they really develop an almost sibling like relationship over the years. She’s incredibly grateful for the both of them and they definitely made moving in sooo much easier :)
#stardew valley#sdv#sdv farmer#sdv fanart#sdv shane#sdv abigail#farmer august#hi chat it’s new style fish!#you can rip me changing my art style every 5 minutes#from my cold dead hands#WE ARE SURVIVING COLLEGE!!!! WE’RE DOINH IT!#these guys have been living in my brain the whole time though god#sometimes I think about August’s friends and I just get so emotional#bc she didn’t rlly have anyone growing up#except for her one realllyyyy shitty highschool group#and so to have a like actually healthy support system#it’s nice :)#ANYWAYS ENJOY!!#Spotify
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i think everybody should think about how much of a privilege driving is before they judge people who don’t drive for being immature or whatever. like do you not realize that not everyone had a high school with driver’s ed or parents/older relatives who could teach them, not everyone had time to learn when they were younger, not everyone can afford a car and car insurance and any repairs that a car might need, not everyone lives in a place that is drivable anyway, and not everyone has good vision or a healthy enough brain and/or body to drive. and nobody needs to explain to you why they don’t drive! all you need to know is that the can’t, don’t want to, or it doesn’t make sense for them at this current time in their lives. fuck off!!!!! the response to inadequate public transportation isn’t that everyone should drive instead!!!!!! also everybody complains about bad drivers but people are incentivized to drive regardless of their actual driving ability because it’s shameful not to drive even if it’s a personal choice. and like maybe some people are just not self aware about their own driving abilities but some people just don’t understand that they are in control of a large machine that is dangerous if they don’t operate it properly and they have to be more responsible for the people they’re putting at risk because they don’t care enough to pay attention or follow the rules of the road or keep their tempers under control while they’re behind the wheel. anyway not everyone can or should drive, that’s all
#apropos of nothing i just was thinking about how judgmental my ex and her friends were in college that i didn’t drive#and i was not as bothered by that as i should’ve been lol#because i was low key deeply embarrassed about it so i thought it was kind of fair that they were being dicks about it#it was mostly this one guy. i tried to explain my reasoning but he just didn’t get it and kept pushing that it was dumb not to drive#and like. yeah sometimes it can be limiting but for most of my day to day life it’s not a problem at all#having a car would be a bigger problem to figure out rn#anyway now i think he should just go to hell#he was kind of judgmental a lot actually and had a pretty big ego imo with no reason to be that self centered#my ex was kind of egotistical too but at least she was an extremely interesting and bright individual#it was grating that she thought she was the most interesting person in the room all the time but she actually was lol#anyway. whatever this isn’t about her it’s about ME and not driving#it’s not gonna happen until i have enough money for a car and time to learn how to drive#and probably not until i actually get assessed (+ treated if diagnosed) for adhd bc my biggest fear is being a distracted driver#if anyone has a problem with that they can suck my dick#anyway. anyway.#that’s all i guess#i fucking hate drivers rn the drivers in my city are nuts
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If I could just take classes that interest me without worrying about degree requirements I would be in school 24/7 bro
#riv rambles#money is a factor too ofc#probably the biggest one lol#but ykw there’s probably 6 different subjects alone that#I always wished I could take a course or two in but never could bc#I just couldn’t fit it in when I was in college#bc my degree requirements took up enough credit hours#sometimes I wish I could just enroll in a university and just#take classes with no goal in mind#just be there to be there u know?#that’s so impractical though I could not do that#I only say this bc rae has made me think about all the things i want to learn but cannot 😔#ofc there’s ways around it the internet has plenty of credible sources to learn but#it’s just different when ur in a class with a professional just relaying the info to you and idk#school is so fun when ur learning cool things#I miss it sometimes
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#okay random story time i don't know why im narrating this or how i even stumbled upon this memory rn#but i generally do sad vents in the tags and for a change this is a funny one#so back in highschool (i say highschool but i mean junior college) i used to visit this park near my house a lot#i was an sg kid back then and the thing about parks there is that they're kinda beach-parks and they have the best cycling/running tracks#they're also really massive parks so i used to go often. sometimes bicycling. other times walking. yeah. the park was like my sanctuary#anyway. there are quite a few bike rental areas in the park and there was a cute lil shop next to this one particular rental place#and they sold like biscuits and water and icecreams and stuff and i went there a lot#and on one particular day i went there and there was this guy around my age part timing at that shop#now again this might be culture specific bc i dont see it in india but part timing in uni/pre-uni is pretty common is sg#a lot of shops and restaurants employ teenagers to twenty something ppl for part time jobs... anyway im just adding context#point is that i had walked to the park with my mum that day and she told me to go buy a couple icecreams so i went to the shop#and i saw this guy around my age and like. not to be a simp but this dude was so pretty?#like he saw someone had come to the counter so he looked up and shot a smile and i thought i got slapped by sunlight#i could spend the next several lines going on about his pretty tan skin and his glowing raven eyes but this is pathetic enough so ill stop#anyway he saw me and smiled really wide (customer service smile- i thought to myself) and i smiled back and asked for icecreams or whatever#and then this guy started getting chatty right. so he was all 'you come here (to the park) often right? ive seen you with your bike a lot'#see now. the problem with me is that i always think im bothering people. this poor dude was attempting to make conversation#and i was replying with one word answers#and i wasn't even realizing that he didnt want that. bc he kept asking more questions and i. kept. shutting them down.#then when he gave me the icecream he was all 'are you here alone? icecream alone is no fun... i could keep you company if you want..?'#which. he was being really cute about right. but because im so fucking dense i was all 'oh no i came with my mom actually'#and he went 'aw man' in this really cute but faux sad way which i didnt understand at the time and i left and then#after three full fucking days. i realized this man was tryna hit on me?#and then i went to the park like a week later and he was gone. poof. i even thought of asking the uncle in charge of that place#then i got too embarrassed and chickened out#yeah so turns out my neurodivergence neutralizes any sort of rizz that comes my way#i could've been chilling with a cute boyf rn but no😩 this is my destiny#megumi in the tags
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hmm. you never realize how much of yourself you hide away until you just don’t tell people things yeah
#camera talks#I don’t feel like I purposely do it#but then I find myself just not sharing things bc last time I shared something they didn’t give any acknowledge to it#so I just won’t share I guess#it fucking sucks#I really hope I can find people in college#I feel a little lost sometimes rn#friends are hard for me I don’t really Have them I fear#it feels like I’m purposely killing a part of myself to make myself palette-able to people irl#and it’s Awful#anyways if I got to talk about TNC (please) and oxenfree and isat and deviser and wbg to people who listened I think it’d change me#but whatever. I will just continue to hide myself away 👍 because I’ve been dismissed in the past so it’s safer this way right#now I feel like I’m being manipulative or smth god ugh this brain is a Mess
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spent the first hour and change at work deleting some old files and am having a grand ol time laughing at myself for not realizing i was a lesbian sooner
#vulnerable tag rambles ahead please be kind abt them i didnt intent to ramble this much but i dont wanna delete it eitehr#me to every single man i have ever dated after 6mo-1y: yeah hey this really isnt working out i dont really know why but i really hate mysel#and i dont want to blame you because i dont think you did anything inherently wrong here; i think this is something about me but i need#space to figure out why im feeling this way [every single one reacted by telling me No i wasnt allowed to leave btw]#i hold very complex feelings about these relationships esp bc of them ending in very violent/chaotic ways most of the time#but its interesting to look back at it all and realize ive left every man for the same reason (which is that ive hated myself Every Single#Time ive dated a man) and its funny bc i recognized the self hate pretty early on w/ cishet men but when it came to queer men it was#much more confusing (esp w/ nto knowing Any lesbians at that point in my life). im so happy im a lesbian tbh#i have a lot of issues w/ the racism fatphobia and transmisogyny present in lesbian groups#and also coming out as a lesbian really truly saved my life. before i met my wife i was quite literally in a 3yr abusive relationship that#definitely would have died in if i hadnt realzied i was a lesbian and ran from him#its also weird seeing liek the hard evidence of the things that happened to me btween 2016-2020 tbh#cause that was such a bad time of my life. i truly dont know how i survived it but im so glad i did#like the three major relationships in my life b4 meeting my wife was: guy who was in college when i was in HS who stalked me when i left;#guy who was a year younger than me who cheated on me the entire time while telling me he was being victimized (he wasnt; this was very mess#guy who saw the very messy toxic ldr i was in and helped me dump my ex then decided that meant we were in a relationship [insert 3 yrs here#and admittedly all 3 years with him werent the same level of abusive but it was definitely unhealthy from the start considering I Didnt Kno#we were together until he wanted to celebrate vday and got mad i didnt know our anniversary - and like this isnt including the other stuff#that happened between those Relatonships[tm] (cause ive never been monogamous; these were just the Major Relationships)#like i genuinely think if i hadnt come out i'd be dead rn given just how dangerous my relationships were/continued getting#i am also so tired now that ive seen all this cause like. fuck i can barely believe it and i not only lived it but have PTSD about it#i should write about my life sometime. i feel like it'd be cathartic to try and make a tangible timeline and stories from the years ang stu#anyway yeah. be nice about the tag rambles. dont message me with pity or curiosity or anything about this. i dont usually talk abt this stu#publicly bc i hate the ways ppl start tryign to baby me when they realize my life has been extremely fucked up until only a few years ago#n im still working on accepting kindness from others bc of [insert life traumas here] but its a long process so pls respect my need for jus#being heard rn w/o too much pressure< 3 (but ig if u do read this can u like it cause i feel a little crazy seeing all the evidence of the#stuff i experienced now also cause fuck ik logically it was but also i cant believe it was all real still yk)
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im so sorry if this is an annoying question but are you still working on the jesskas reunion animatic 😯
you're good dw! and about the animatic, it's both a yes and no?
to explain, and to give an update on on the au in general: CJAU has 3 main arcs, the second being the biggest (and has a secondary arc within). i already have an idea of what the end points of all those arcs would be like, and the reunion animatic marks the end of the first.
at the time i talked about the reunion (which i think was like. a year ago? around the time of the compliance comic? oh mygod) there was supposed to be two more comics before i wrapped it up, one of them being LWOAL. and since i work on multiple parts at the same time, the reunion already had a script going and i started thumbnailing right after Compliance was out. i even got halfway through the whole thing!
...but after some revisits to the storyline i just thought it wasn't good enough. i wanted the second arc to have a solid enough foundation for me to work with and what i had before wasn't cutting it, and as much as i wanted to get to it i don't want to rush things. so in between rethinking the plot, working on LWOAL and it getting like 3-4 redos, and the weird mcsm-specific burnout that happened mid oct-dec, the animatic was put on hold.
however! i've figured out many things since then and at this point in time there should be ~2-3 more comics before the reunion! and i want to actually pace myself this time before i start work on the animatic again. so while i'm not working on it atm, i still really, really want (and plan) to get it out someday :)
CJAU is kinda like an experiment for me to play around with making comics/storytelling since i've never tackled something this big before, so heads up things are always subject to change haha. i do think about it a lot and want to make it the best it can be- i like what i have going too, but ig sometimes it leads to a lot of unneeded pressure on myself,, it brings out the perfectionist in me idk why hfjkgd. im gonna try to chill out on that front tho, and in the meantime thanks for everyone's patience with me i know i take a while with this au 🥹
#asks#sometimes it gets hard to work on it bc of spikes of self doubt thinking no one cares even tho ik it's not true!#and also just wanting to draw other stuff or life in general. like i Cannot work on this during april-may bc of huge college assignments#and also a personal mcsm related project which i may or may not be able to show soonish. so much to do aughh
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i love my sister and for the most part, we are very close and genuinely like each other a lot but the one place where i'd just really, really, really like to see inside her brain is the part where she is still incredibly comfortable and cheerful��and even thinks it's really funny—talking about how much she didn't like me as a child while I'm like. yes. I am and was aware. and it sucked so so so much
#we had a really wild moment over dinner last week where she actually acknowledged#EXPLICITLY with her OWN WORDS#that things like our brother dying right when i was going into my senior yr of high school#and covid lockdown starting right when i'd graduated college + moved to a new city where i knew no one except her + was applying/auditionin#for jobs#were harder on me than one her in some unique ways#and i was literally like . is. is this a test? am i supposed to deny it?#bc like when our brother died she told me i was a selfish brat (for not grieving the way she did)#and during covid she told me (right after i got laid off) that she had ''way more reasons to be depressed'' than i did#personal#anyway she was laughing so much as she said this (abt not liking me) and i was just staring at her nodding slightly like#yeah. i know. i know you didn't like me#do YOU know how much it sucks to know that your older sister--whom you idolize--who you *desperately* want to like you--#not only doesn't like you at all#but even up into high school/college#would talk about how she couldn't wait till our LITTLE (five year old) cousins were old enough to hang because they'd be so much fun#and know that she had absolutely never thought or said that about you#do you perhaps! think that might still have ramifications on our relationship to this day#if your little sister spent 20+ years knowing that your love was conditional on them being the person you wanted her to be#like. do u???#(the answer is no of course but#i remain boggled by the fact that this eludes her considering she is! in fact! a really smart person!)#it's also like when i was first offered my current job#and our now bosses asked both of us like ''are you worried at all about working with your sister?''#and she laughed like lol no of course not?#while i was like ''honestly yes.'' adskjfglkjasds#very different perspectives sometimes
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Yk I always complained about my math classes and I'm just now realizing that's kinda weird when the occasion of people leaving my applied thermodynamics classes in tears were not few and far between
Sometimes it's a wonder I actually have a degree in this bs
#I know sometimes my writing doesn't seem like it (mainly bc I don't want to think that far & ik ppl aren't going to question it)#But I've taken everything from:#Applied thermodynamics#Multivariable calculus#College level Chemistry Physics and Computer Science#Honorable mentions for classes that focused on:#Aircraft design#Aerodynamics#How flight software works#How to build something without it immediately falling apart
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i don't think anyone should be shamed for not coming out or not transitioning (medical or otherwise) bc its ultimately your choice i just think its really easy to make up excuses after excuses to avoid doing something that would make you a lot happier and its worth taking the time to really question what you want and why you've avoided it. from time to time
#it was extremely easy for me to not start hrt in college when it would have been easy because i 'made the decision' to wait for my 'safety'.#when in reality i was just letting my anxiety talk me out of it and i regret not making moves sooner.#and then i spent years afterwards regretting it because i now convinced myself i couldn't start bc of work#it took years before i was finally ready to do that and then when it happened it wasn't even an issue i just spent years in anxiety.#situations are different too. for some people the danger i was afraid of is very real. plus some people just need time to consider options#or a million other things that might make you wait i just think its good to encourage like#the idea of just letting Go and doing it because for a lot of people its easy to trap yourself into not doing something that you want. yk.#avpost#sometimes you have to face the wall of something scary to get what you want and its just. idk.#its one thing to genuinely not want it or to genuinely be unable and that's not something to be embarrassed or shamed for#but it's another to just be avoiding it because its scary which is only going to hurt you in the long run .#it's never not going to be at least a little scary
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Where the hell am I supposed to even post art now, or even go to look at art???
I barely even use twt anymore bc I barely see art and the posts I do see usually aren’t even entertaining anymore, it’s just a bunch of shit I don’t care about or drama that I could live without hearing about
Here is basically dead, I do see art but it’s not usually art I care about? Like, I like OC artwork idc that much about fan art most of the time but that’s most of what I see (and it’s for media I don’t consume also so—). Or maybe I’m unlucky and my mutuals’ art just doesn’t show up for me 😭???
Both sites, it doesn’t matter what I post, it WILL be flopping, my mutuals don’t even really interact with me anymore and they always used to 😞. What do I even do? I just feel completely lost between this and all of my personal/health issues
#sometimes I become delusional and I think maybe#maybe I will be able to sell commissions one day#but in times like these I know those thoughts are pointless to have#and even if I could do something that could generate a minimal amount of extra income#it’s too late now#I’m over $1000 in medical debt and have $13000ish in student loans#which were taken out for nothing bc the college I enrolled in sucked and was a waste of time#the payments are all so much and even if I make enough to pay my bills and care for my animals#I can’t just fucking save money because my stupid fat ass just HAS to have binge eating disorder#I waste all my extra money eating an over abundance of food that just makes me feel worse#and I can’t stop#everything is falling apart and out of control and I don’t know what to do anymore#every time I think I’m getting better I fuck up again and it’s back to the start#I just wish I knew how to fix everything but it feels impossible
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I love learning ASL it’s so good. Makes me happy to learn it. I’m so glad my university has classes for it with professors actually steeped in Deaf culture.
#blue chatter#am I good at ASL? hahahahahahaha. no.#ASL and English grammar are incredibly different and even when I remember my vocab I am easily clockable as hearing#but I do have some language capacity now. enough to communicate the basics.#and I just. genuinely really enjoy it. it’s fun to learn and engaging in a way most of my classes just aren’t.#and I can. yanno. communicate respectfully w Deaf ppl. and learn about their culture#which is incredibly important given that I want to go into a field where there is a higher incidence than typical of Deaf people#autistic? you’re more likely to be Deaf!#not to mention the fact that sign language can sometimes be a useful alternative to speech for nonspeaking/nonverbal people#depending on the person obvi; some nonspeaking/nonverbal autistics cannot use sign language and that’s okay#but surely at some point I will encounter either a Deaf client or a nonspeaking/nonverbal client who uses ASL#and when that time comes I should have some idea of how to communicate with them#I also rly like the Deaf church by my parents’ house#their community is really welcoming and their services are really interesting#I think it’s rly cool how they take intentions directly from the congregation#they’ll raise their hands and then sign what their intention is from their pew to the ambo#which is rly neat#it is funny bc every time I go the Deaf ppl I talk to will tell each other ‘go slow she’s hearing’#which is ENTIRELY fair bc. I am hearing. and I do need them to go slower.#but it also makes me laugh bc truly everyone knows within a few minutes.#oh hey the new person? they’re hearing. yeah they’re learning ASL at college. sign slowly for her.#which again makes sense bc a big Deaf culture thing is keeping ppl informed. it’s not gossip it’s getting everyone on the same page.#Deaf ppl do NOT beat around the bush that is like the height of rudeness to them. u say what u mean goshdangit. do not waste their time.#which I appreciate the heck out of bc i don’t have to try and phrase things delicately or w/e#it was also funny bc my mom came w me while I was home for Christmas and they asked her if I was her kid#and she said yes. and the lady running the kid’s craft corner thing was like ‘great you’re doing a craft now’#and I’m sitting there. visibly over 18 years old. amongst several seven year olds. trying desperately to figure out how to say hot glue gun#I made a v pretty pinecone tree it was a lot of fun ^-^
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#trying /really really hard/ not to let the overuse of terms such as 'secular' bug me here at school#but honestly I'm starting to get annoyed with it :')#ugh dear Lord I am trying SO HARD not to be argumentative and annoying and avoid my real problems in life by being snarky and unteachable#but it is HARD SOMETIMES LOL#bc I really want to argue#I really need the energy release it provides#even when I don't really care about the subject being argued about#college complaining#I think I'm using a different tag by accident every time lol#I'm trying so hard to grow up and put away childish things but I'm feeling so worn out. the problems aren't fixed.#and venting on tumblr isn't fixing it but I don't want to ask to schedule another appointment with my councilor bc I know it costs a lot#and I don't want to burden anyone here at school with my problems. that's self-seeking isn't it? and it's not fair to expect other people t#fix my problems.#I should turn to Christ alone since He should be enough for me. right?#I don't know and I hope I'm not being rude or blasphemous but I'm tired some of the depression/anxiety symptoms are showing up again#and I don't want to go back to shaking in fear and not being able to get out of bed for days in a row
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So, @silv-paru sent Sherlock Holmes for the character opinion bingo. thanks a bunch for this (and for your patience. my god, i’m answering this a week late. typical me behaviour). you’re a darling :D
Did you know, i used to tell these stories to my friends? they delighted in them AND i got a chance to sort of ramble on and on abt him and watson. it was a win-win, really. ah, those were the days! now i haven’t reblogged much of him this month at all. i miss him. I MISS HIM.
Onto the bingo: well. he’s The quintessence of gender™ to me. and i relate to him so so much. fav character of all time fr. i want to carry him in my pocket at all times & study him. like. do i want to BE him OR am i IN LOVE with him, ykwim? pssh who knows? certainly not me. uh-huh ‘a beast unleashed’ -does this refer to me or him? you choose. oh re: canon, i’m ignoring the part where holmes dies (or y’know, is dead for 3 years). that’s too angsty.
#sherlock holmes#my dearest blorbo#he’s my belovedest chewtoy basically#if i think abt how modern adaptations *looking at you bbc sherlock* have ruined his character i get so angry i have to take deep breaths#*mutters darkly* he is NOT an arrogant cold-hearted bitch like he’s portrayed; well he IS a bitch but not a cold-hearted one!!#see. the thing abt holmes is that he’s SUCH a sweet boy okay. and he’s compassionate#he cares sooo much. that’s the reason people come to him when they’re distressed. they trust him#he hates the police. he is a jester at heart. loves his watson#he’s here to help the truly desparate helpless people even if they have no money to pay him for the case. no questions asked. But-#he fucking despises obnoxious rich men. the first time he meets watson a total stranger he *very excitedly* tells him abt his experiment#it’s very adorable. he never stops trying to impress ever. infact blushes furiously when complimented by him#my guy has 0 knowledge of our solar system but he’s written several monographs abt different types of ASHES. go figure!#OH i almost forgot the most important fact he’s special to me bc holmes is an audhd gay disaster bastard. sometimes he’s even bisexual#but mostly he’s acespec and in a qpr w watson. he’s VERY adhd. behaves like an excited cat and oh so cute when he stims. everytime he does#i go SQUEEE. when he’s depressed it’s a goddamn hashtag big mood. as in many other ways he is me i am him#he’s PASSIONATE and KIND that’s all you need to know#acd stories are about just some guy who loves his job (which he invented himself btw after quitting college) that’s it#i am overcome with an almighty need to squeeze his cheeks#he’s everything to me <3#alright if i don’t stop now i doubt i ever will LMAO bye#acd holmes#if u read till the end u get a cookie and a kiss on the nose i love u#silv tag 💞
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erm... so this is awkward
#sorry its been so long .........#(isnt sorry bc im not obligated to post anything but its more the spirit of the statement)#but boy. its been a yr . i miss my wife (liam)#i cant actually remember much of the beginning of it but i had a fulltime job over the summer then went to college lost access to my meds#finally came home and then got covid near immediately#so . its been a while#i still draw them all here and then but its been a while#esp since i did get soer into a funny game abt a bird#(@tapestryundone if anyones curious lol ive been posting there ever since my brain lost steam to do anything productive#due to the aforementioned loss of meds)#(im trying so hard to skirt the title of the game since these r the tags. and i dont wanna sound like a tiktoker putting all the censors in#or smth)#but. i miss those guys#i need to order the amelia plush soon while i can now that i can think again#but ya. i hope to come back here someday. i need to get back to objects in general#but now ive so many commitments to my other blog and i dont wnna abandon those#and external assistance is going to need. so much reworking. good lord#i think abt it sometimes and become distraught LMAOOO#Im a very obsessed w canon compliance kinda thing#which is funny. considering the animal limb thing#but tbqh i always felt the animal limb thing was much more of a hc than smth that actually went against canon#i hc that the stick limbs are in object culture a general shorthand for limbs that skirt the actual commitment to individual designs#that objects would draw objects that way in cartoons a la human cartoons giving characters rubber limbs or gloves or smth#just a visual quirk to simplify art. which is basically was the shows do from a meta standpt i guess#i just added extra steps#ANYWAY THAT WAS A TANGENT#pt is hiiiiiii i miss objects...#this is at the forefront of my brain rn for . very specific reasons#(reasons extremely visible on my general community sideblog HAHA)#(warning that im being pretty negative in a weird way on that blog abt a diff show. as a heads up)
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