#bc i dont think ill ever get better to the point that i could have those things too

[ilynpilled]

jaime turning women down constantly more bc he is very monogamous and in love with someone else right now for the first time and is also kinda scared of actually having sex with someone other than cersei is sm better to me than “i respect the kg vows of chastity so intensely rn actually because i changed into a good and serious person” or whatever lol

[hauntedwoman]

it's actually so devastating that the first boy i ever loved and who loved me back was struggling with addiction and self harm and depression when we were together and like. it was never going to happen and we were never going to make it, despite my neverending hope that it would.

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[astrxealis]

sometimes (often) i think about the characters i kin or relate to and then the realization comes in again and again that i need therapy (/lh?)

[betweenbutterflies]

I dont know why I should keep going

[patchiko]

comic!jason todd x m!indie rock singer/guitarist reader

cold weather - glass beach

1:08 ──⚬──── 2:18

⇆ ◃◃ ıı ▹▹ ↻

🪐⁠☆ﾟ⁠.⁠*⁠･⁠｡ﾟ warnings ; sfw (none)

…

🪐⁠☆ﾟ⁠.⁠*⁠･⁠｡ﾟ contents ; hc’s totally not based off glass beach lyrics haha thats so cheesy whaat lololo…

I love the way you make me feel when I’m staring at my screen.

At 4AM, trying not to fall asleep

And you hit me up just to see if I’m OK

JASON TODD CODED SOOO BAAADD

literally how the crushes form for both sides

jason has like an inner psyche where he just fuckin knows when youre awake

if you ask him he’ll probably say something stupid like ‘i can hear your (guitar)/(voice)’ and he’s nowhere around you

and his heart throbs whenever you two stay texting for waayy tooooo loonggg, starts cheesing and shit

NEERRRDD

average jason todd text

When I keep you up sending Mamegoma Lines

You know it's shit like that that makes me wanna be alive

JASON TODD CODED LINE. CANON CANON.

he responds through his helmet while he’s kicking ass

it gets so common to a point where he ends up having a full blown convo w/ you using those stupid fuckin stickers

bug him late at night !!

he’ll tell you to gts but he’d be lying if he says it doesn’t make his heart melt when u send him these little fucks.

So I'll call in sick again just to spend the day with you

100% he’ll call a day off to hang with you

whether its showing up to your show then hitting a bar, 100%,

i need jason todd in a relationship where he just drops everything for his s/o,

fuck the mission!! he wants to listen to those fucking vocals for an hour or you shredding ur guitar!!

he’s fucking around in an arcade with you till 11pm

hes a little ass at mario kart, better with motorcycle games,

BRING HIM TO ANY SHOOTER ONES WHERE U HOLD THE GUN AND UR GETTING WAAAASHHHEDD.

he has the most fun with the halo ones or the walking dead ones

weirdly good at the multiplayer pacman games

AMAZING AT GALAXIA ILL DIE ON THIS HILLL

Wanna say I think it's so gay that we really both feel the same way

That I feel like we're more than just friends

It took too long to realize

I didn't miss the cold weather, I just missed you

Jason was never homophobic and or totally against the idea of him being gay

i dont think he was ever in a gay relationship b4 you two

bc most of the vigilante guys he met were trying to fight him or absolute dick heads,

n’ most of the male figures in his life weren’t the absolute best.

so there wasn’t tooo much room for crushing on a guy too easily

if you’d ask him abt his sexuality its smthn like ‘i think im straight but i dunno what if im not.’

heres how i think it starts ;)

you’re preforming at a bar, n’ ofc jason todd can admit when a guys cute/attractive, any guy could do that

and maybe its ur guitar or your vocals but he cant stop watching (he convinces himself its your talent which is reasonably not gay)

maybe one coincidence leads to another and you two chat and go out at times, he pulls up to your shows more.

and the whole time he thinks he’s just acknowledging that your a very attractive person,

notthin crazy to admit ya homie has mad kisssble lips after starin at them for a sec too long. lol. haha. hm.

and i think the thought really hits him when he’s out of gotham for a mission. and he’s craving your presence

he texts you but you dont respond, fuck right you have a show and the timezone difference—

n he gets fuckin, ANTSY and SAD.

he tries to smoke a cig to fuck off

but he cant stop thinking about that one night where he brings you to his favorite rooftop view of the city,

how those sly stupid jokes slip from your mouth like honey,

the way you glance at him and the moonlight on your skin

how he got that random need to just lean into your lips

and— (GAY REALIZATION PANICC) <- link

'Cause I don't need the cold weather like I need you

And I don't need the sweater weather I just need you

Na na na na na na na

Na na na na na na na

Na na na na na na na

Fuck! Hahahaha

hes unlabeled your honor.

[sillyyuserr]

ever since chapter 108 tbhk has been getting progressively worse, after reading chapter 112 i had to take an hour long lap around my room before i could write this 😭

Chapter 112 analysis/thoughts

❗️obviously, chapter 112 spoilers❗️

aoi is seemingly less popular, and the burden of that has been lifted, her and nene also being much closer.

ALSO WHAT?? Like ok lesbians

Mei’s alive, which kind of confused me because she died due to illness?? But i guess not if shes here

This page really intrigued me, not because of kou or anything but because of what aoi says

She refers to teru as “teru-kun” differing to that of what she used to call him

Which i guess means she’s close to him too

after kou runs back to the stand it shows this

Kou and mitsuba??? HE’S ALIVE?? This is literally all we get of them so i don’t have much for this part

Nene singing at the play, having a thought just at the back of her mind, thinking she was wanting someone to watch her, but not sure who

Until they’re finally done, everything’s quiet, she looks up at the crowd to see

Hanako?? Im not quite sure if he was actually there or if she was hallucinating or something but she remembered him, enough to remember his name. ALSO HE KEPT HIS PROMISE AUGH 😭💔

i dont have much to say for this because i really dont know whats going on but im interested to see what happens next w/ them

This next part especially killed me

Teru is distressed, he’s fucking devastated, he feels betrayed and hurt by the only person he’s trusted as much as he has, teru reacts impulsively when it comes to something that weakens him. akane was right when he referred to him as a little kid, he is like a child, he does not know how to control his emotions since he wasn’t taught, and sure as hell not having a mom made it worse

also his face 😭 my mans is HURT

Him not knowing if he should treat akane like a human or like a supernatural hurts me. this reminds me of the picture perfect arc with hanako and nene, akane being in hanako’s place and teru being in nene’s. akane making the decision for the greater good that he doesn’t even fully believe in, just as hanako did when he made shijima make the painting

I have so much to say about this panel its insane

The tension goes CRAZYY but also wtf

The demotion from “aoi” to “clock keeper” back to “aoi” shows he really doesnt know. Also showing he really did trust him, but now that he’s done what he did, he doesnt know how to feel about him. The “you really let me down” again suggests he didn’t at one point, and he did like him. GOSH AidaIro sleep with one eye open tonight

Akane looking worried like that shows he really did care about teru too, and what he thinks of him, i mean like look at him he looks disappointed too, but in himself

His face he feels so bad 😭😭

Teru gripping his tie like he’s onna run away 😭 my mans ur ON TOP OF HIM i think you got him

Teru looking progressively more worried/concerned as akane continues explaining whats happened

Teru’s perspective shot on the top left is painful like the rest of this chapter, him looking down at akane with a face of disbelief, as akane removed his hand from his tie, and redoes it, explaining the rest.

again, reminding me of the picture perfect arc, with the whole “be here long enough and you’ll forget your past life” with again, akane in hanako’s place and teru in nene’s

Akane says this could be a better present for Nene, and we see her initial hope of being popular come true (also taking aoi’s problem away, as stated at the beginning)

but he also says this could be a better/more preferable present for teru aswell, which makes me want to see how teru’s life changed, and what akane considered something teru would want, and what he lost to gain it. (like how nene gained popularity but lost hanako and the connections she made bcs of meeting him)

Fuck i just realized something. Akane was under the impression teru has a crush on aoi so what if he made them closer as in like dating closer SHE CALLS HIM TERU-KUN is this what akane meant by “some people might prefer this ‘present’ over the former one. could be you president.” HUUH

i have a problem with saying “this will never happen, i know it wont, and i wont even consider it” and genuinely will be under the belief that it wont, but then it fucking happens and if thats what happened here i might as well archive my acc

Back to the current topic, as a wielder of time, an important part of making this present, is making sure there is no way his memories will be replaced too, or so im guessing. He says "some" and “their” instead of "we" or “people like us” when talking about the people that will forget the old present. Meaning if akane des remember, he will be so indefinitely alone and self aware (him knowing so much more than the rest of them) and have to play along with everything. Everyone else has the comfort of forgetting, which will make it much easier to adjust, meanwhile if things stay the same, akane will be the only one to remember and will be like this for as long as they stay like that.

Which i like this new one, as mitsuba and kou can be friends without one of them literally being dead, and how aoi can be more open and is closer to nene, but if this is how it ends (obviously not this chapter but if it ends with them staying in the new present) tbhk is so fucked.

its kind of a win-lose, lose-win type of thing, but either way akane’s cooked.

Todays a rough day for everyone 😭

[cleromancy]

Something has been bugging me recently. Do you ever notice how people (particularly Jason stans) go on about how Tim victim blame's Jason for his own death, but fail to mention how Alfred and Bruce are guilty of doing the same thing in the past? Why do these two (especially Alfred) get a pass?

LMAO LIKE... EVERYONES DONE IT. BRUCE ALFRED DICK BABS *SELINA* OF ALL PEOPLE ONE TIME... actually id have to double check that one idr exactly what she said about jason it might have just been that hes unhinged (<- also a thing everyones said at some point) but like. everyones freakin done it. or at least *implied* it.

tim is a special case for a reason though--and ill come back to bruce and alfred later--and its not just bc fandom wants a scapegoat to pin All The Victim-Blaming on. on a meta level tim was specifically created to be jasons opposite, and to ~rehabilitate the robin role and make robin palatable again to modern readers. (and to be clear this wasnt bc readers didn't like jason specifically--it was the idea of robin at all, and to a lesser extent just replacing the orig. jason just took on the mantle at a really unfortunate period in comics culture.) so the comparisons to jason are baked in right off the bat. and tim has to be "better". tim had to prove that a robin was necessary so that dc could keep having one, he had to justify it so that the blame didnt fall on bruce for getting a child killed (or yk even just out there fighting crime at all). theres also an element of class dynamics thats. i mean. jason was a homeless street kid and tims this fancy little distinctly upper middle class kid who replaces him, without derailing to get too deep into that the optics already arent fucking great.

but tims creation aside, just as far as how often it comes up... tim also takes the role of robin really seriously, and its everything to him, so he spends a lot of time thinking about it, what it means to wear the uniform & fulfil the role. so hes the one whos most frequently in the position to be thinking about jason, after bruce. so tim winds up being the one pushing the bulk of the bad/angry/impulsive robin narrative retcon dc wanted to push bc... its the most directly relevant to him. bruce doesnt have much narrative need to think about jason "failing" or not being good enough until under the red hood... except to be like "i dont have to worry about tim bc hes not like jason." lmao. and then you have tim who does not want to get killed, like jason did, so he spends time thinking about how to not end up like jason. which is a fundamental misunderstanding of how being a victim of murder works but i think understandable thing for a child replacement of another dead child to latch onto (particularly one as prone to arrogance & god-complex-itude as Our Timmy, lol). and both on a meta level and in-universe this is about shifting the blame off of bruce and onto the victim because tim needs to keep filling the role hes filling without it being bruces fault that jason died in the first place, bc reckoning with batman and child endangerment is not smth the comics had ever really planned on doing in a serious way.

but as for why singling tim out over bruce and alfred-- the kind of ppl who do this already generally think bruce sucks past the point of being interested in ~holding him accountable~ for absolutely anything... like "bruce sucks, everyone knows he sucks, enough said." i think the logic is generally like "if tims not a total shithead like bruce, then why is he doing shithead stuff like bruce does :/" and then pinning it all on tim as opposed to considering like "hey uhhh do you think maybe hearing stories about jason from bruce influences how tim thinks of jason over the years." if that makes sense

as for alfred. people do not want alfred to have any interiority or to ever have been mean or wrong bc then theyd have to actually think about the fact that bruce has a 24/7 domestic servant in his employ, which is just the. tip of the iceberg when you start thinking about alfred as a full character and not a convenient cardboard cutout to prop up whoever the narrative needs him to. also alfreds role in almost every batman narrative is strictly as support, almost no agency within the story to have a meaningful impact, and people generally respond to the character in kind.

finally i think tim mmmmight be the only character at least as of the reboot who ever talked *to jason* outloud style about certain things relating to jasons death... this answer is already getting too long so i dont want to get into depth about titans tower. but tt 2003 #29 is a great example of the comics pitting tim and jason against each other to make Jason look worse by comparison--for all that tim doesn't actually *say* anything victim blaming jason for his death, *and* for all that jason totally kicks tims ass in the fight and its not even close, on a meta level the story is 100% presenting jason as the bad robin, the robin who failed, Unlike Tim Drake, A *Good* Robin. (i accidentally reread the issue ... im going to make a post about it later probably. god i wish this fucking issue had been good)

but yeah i could probably go on and on even further but yeah, i think thats where people are coming from when they single timmy out. tim only exists at all bc of jason n would be fundamentally unrecognizable without having been crafted to be the anti-jason. and on top of that he has repeatedly been used by dc to make jason look worse (or rather jason was used to make tim look better), and a lot of my fellow jason stans understandably resent tim for it. i however am built different, and want them to kiss.

[trans-axolotl]

(Apologies this is long and rambley)

So ive been thinking on a peer-made trait-based 'diagnostic model' (not for disorders but neurodiverse traits), rather than the way the DSM and ICD do it and what that would look like and if it would be a good idea to propose as an alternative that focuses the patients unique experiences over theorized model boxes with misleading names.

Ive been growing increasingly discontent with how the ICD and DSM both categorize disorders, and the completed alternate models ive seen that already exist are not much better honestly, and worse for my specific brainfuckery. The alternate models that only focus on one section are just that- focused on one specific experience. Monotropisim as an alternate autism model can never be fully realized in the bubble it exists as a theory in. Plurality has like 50 different theory models and half of them aggressively ignore common reported experiences because they don't work with their unverified personal gnosis theory of everything, and the other half are likewise mostly incomplete. Trauma/cause-based models ignore genetic/from birth issues as a known cause of mental illness/developmental disorder and also consider everything trauma to the point of diluting the term.

I figured the best option would be to group traits by perceived experiences or related phenomena, with overlap, and the best way to do that accurately would be to make the 'diagnostic codes' combinable infinitely. (ex- a category that is 'unusual sensory experiences' with synthesia, hypo and hyper sensitivity to stimuli, needing to regulate with the sensory system (stimming) to high degrees, hallucinations of any kind, voice hearing(would also go under the plural category when consistent and personlike in presentation), visual snow, etc and each trait is a unique string of characters you can stack under the category string to create a larger string that describes your experiences quickly and concisely).

(The groupings are still all up in the air and id want to get a lot of perspective before cementing it, but I do want to put synthesia and hallucinations and visual snow all together because they are adding a Weird experience and its sensory based stuff others cannot perceive)

And then I realized that this is just the Geek Code but for neurodiversity,,

Im STILL not sure if that makes it a bad idea or not honestly.

On one hand the way the DSM and ICD are set up is NOT actually that great, and being able to shorthand a list that describes things better and doesnt pathologize people as having 'asshole liar personality disorder' or whatever would be fantastic, on the other it is also clunky, people are gonna be pissed about how I am categorizing things contrary to how the DSM and ICD group things (autism and schizophrenia and plurality are all holding hands and kissing with tongue), and it may more strongly encourage people to share very private information online via sharing their string code of every last neuroweirdness they have (which I do NOT want people doing for safety reasons).

So I just went 'hm, whos a cool antipsych person who may have more insight than I do about trying to make a peer-made description system for those who dont want to use the DSM or ICD to describe their experiences', and I thought of you, so thoughts? Is it feasible? Is it a good idea to try? I have like 500 million projects and I REALLY shouldnt add a new one of this magnitude, but I feel like its an important idea to at least float around first.

Hey anon! My answer got pretty long, so I'm going to put it under the read more.

I actually know a few people doing something like this--the founding director of Neuromancers started a project like this (not much has been happening with it lately, bc everyone is so busy with other organizing commitments and life, but if we ever get back to it i'm really excited about it. you could join the discord for Neuromancers and ask about the project if you want to join). I'm a known DSM hater and think that both the DSM and ICD and most biomedical models of mental illness as well as the "evidence based" processes of diagnosis are so fundamentally flawed, oppressive, and are in no way culturally relevant to the vast majority of people. a lot of us are still going to use that terminology as a shorthand because it's the most accessible and understandable in our current society, but that doesn't necessarily mean we all like it or agree with the way it's formulated in the DSM.

Honestly, I'm always a big fan of mad/mentally ill/neurodivergent people creating more ways of understanding ourselves and creating more resources for us to use. I think that there's never going to be one right model that works for every experience or than can encompass everyone. And I think that there's so much value in really deconstructing and dismantling the DSM--understanding exactly how disorders are currently categorized, the evidence behind it, the lack of evidence behind it, what clinicians and researchers are saying about these diagnoses, how we actually experience these diagnoses in practice, how diagnoses change through history, things like that. It can be super crucial to build our own understandings of just how these diagnoses were shaped in the first place so that we can understand what it would mean to dismantle and build alternative models that feel more affirming for us. I think your idea of trying to group more by traits rather than strict disorder criteria is something that might resonate with a lot of people!

that being said, i think that it is such a large and difficult project and also something that is almost impossible to make universal--there are so many factors going into everyone's experience with madness/mental illness/neurodivergence, and different labels are going to resonate with different people for different reasons. it's hard to predict what language or models will catch on with different people, and not all types of language or models are accessible to everyone. i guess for me i just think it can be helpful to go into projects like this without the expectations that this will necessarily be able to replace the DSM for everyone, and instead thinking more about how this can be a valuable tool for providing more options and ways of thinking about madness/mental illness/neurodivergence! even if it doesn't work for everyone or is only applicable to certain types of traits and variations, i think that this type of creation of knowledge is so, so valuable. i hope that makes sense!

some other related concepts that your ask reminded me of was @bioethicists principles of liberatory antipsychiatry. Charlie identifies the right to your own explanatory model as a key principle of liberatory antipsychiatry, and that liberatory antipsychiatry should affirm and build upon those individual models, and respect that as a way of healing. I think that's a really important insight, and to me makes a lot of sense. We all have the right to draw from our own experiences + minds, as well as use existing knowledge, science, and disability community experience in order to create alterative labels, models, and frameworks for our madness/mental illness/neurodivergence. I honestly feel like I've created my own hyperspecific model of madness for my own bodymind, and that framework has been super helpful for figuring out how to live with my madness. Idk how helpful it would be for anyone who isn't me, but having my own particular explanatory model was crucial for helping me heal.

It also reminds me of the way this really amazing peer support network for people living with schizophrenia in Japan called Bethel House, who developed a framework for radical peer support and healing. This article talks about the concept of tōjisha-kenkyū, which in English would get translated as something like "self directed diagnosis" or maybe "political education," and it seems kind of similiar to English concepts about self diagnosis.

"Self-reflection is at the heart of this practice. Tōjisha-kenkyū incorporates various forms of reflection developed in clinical methods, such as social skills training and cognitive behavioural therapy, but the reflections of a tōjisha don’t begin and end at the individual. Instead, self-reflection is always shared, becoming a form of knowledge that can be communally reflected upon and improved. At Bethel House, members found it liberating that they could define themselves as ‘producers’ of a new form of knowledge, just like the doctors and scientists who diagnosed and studied them in hospital wards. The experiential knowledge of Bethel members now forms the basis of an open and shared public domain of collective knowledge about mental health, one distributed through books, newspaper articles, documentaries and social media." (Japan's radical alternative to psychiatric diagnosis, Satsuki Ayayais and Junko Kitanaka, ).

Anyway, thought I'd share those things to sort of point you in the direction of other people thinking about madness outside of the DSM. if you end up doing any more thought or creation for this idea, def feel free to share with me! I love seeing all the ways people take apart the DSM and build our own knowledge, and would love to keep updated.

best of luck, anon!

[etherealspacejelly]

my parents dont get my autism or my transness or my aroaceness

they dont get that im not trying to be rude or selfish or whatever but they think i am

they dont get dysphoria

they keep asking me if i have crushes or a boyfreind

they dont get that if the foods bad ill refuse to eat it

they dont get sensory issues or food issues

they dont get that the internet is a safer place to talk about my emotions than they ever will be

they dont get how much effort i put into trying to be normal for them

they dont get anthing

they keep trying to force me to spend time with them playing board/card games which i hate and they know i hate

they keep messing up my pronouns

one of my dads "insprational" speeches was your not flat, you'll never be flat so give up.

when i first came out my mum said "why cant you just be a lesbian instead of nonbinary or whatever?"

they say i cant call myself trans bc i don't want to be a boy

they dont get how much periods suck even tho they dont hurt

theres probably more but i cant remember it rn

any advice would be helpful

maybe ill run away and live somewhere better for me but i can think of a place

hey anon. unfortunately im not sure how to help you with the autism or aroace stuff myself, even though i am aroace and autistic my mum doesnt really understand either of those and i havent been able to reach that point yet. we have just taken to not talking about it, which is much easier now that i have moved out.

however! i do have something for you that might help! i made a powerpoint about transness for my mum that did help to convince her that being trans is a real and valid thing to be.

i cant link to it on here because it would reveal my full name publicly but you can just make your own! i included facts about the percentage of trans kids that experience anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts, and how gender affirming care significantly lowers those numbers. all of this was taken from the trevor project website!

i also included some stuff about transgender people across history and in different cultures.

i finished it off with a slide about the transgender genocide currently taking place in america and spreading to the UK.

you could make versions of these for autism and aspec people too!

im very sorry that you are experiencing so much invalidation and misunderstanding from your family, i understand how that feels. i hope this technique can help you to teach them a bit about your identities. most of the time when people say mean things about an identity, it is simply because they are misinformed. getting angry and upset is perfectly understandable, but it may make them feel even more antagonised and justified in their bigotry. explaining things to them calmly and simply, with graphs, diagrams, and real data can work wonders.

good luck!

[kozykricket]

big minecraft & terraria thoughtdump

just gonna say, exploration/basing/traversal/whatever in minecraft is a complex topic, because of how many differing views there are on how much travel should even be necessary and its really freakin hard to think about in an INFINITE WORLD as well. big random thought dump time

like i think terraria does the gameplay of exploration better than minecraft ever has or will do it, and thats fine its just because of what terrarias designed after

ah right i have an idea for a post on me having maybe possibly figured out why i like when terraria makes me go on sidequests to biomes vs i dont like when mc does that (its probably mostly bc i view terraria as an exploration game, and also most of the rewards are just relevant to the core gameplay loop, and. well. its a careful balance. locking some qol behind certain things is cool, but sometimes its too much. either way i know vanilla terraria does it greatly) anyways, i think minecrafts in a weird spot but . i do think more unique ore, animal, and hostile mob distribution in biomes... would help increase the desire for players to do stuff outside of just their home base. to actually have more wildly different biomes with outposts at them especially if like, crops grew faster or animals had shorter breeding cooldowns in the "right" biomes but the issue there is like. god i dont care how nice it can be to make paths, i am NOT making infrastructure to anywhere further than like 300 blocks away from my general base area. that'd just get a bit frustrating but also minecrafts kinda. for that? its made for that? idk i also feel like i have a lot i could say on When Tedium is Good vs When Its Bad in games i play a lotta tedious games but theyre like, enjoyable tedium . then theres adding qol to reduce that Fun Tedium is kinda... saddening (calamity m od reference) but adding qol to reduce tedium that really isnt interesting gameplay to anyone is like, yea thats good so i think qol is a careful thing to balance but i think mc needs more qol tbhh. stuff like how we got editing signs in 1.20

um. what else... i just think like. minecraft exploration is weird because ill see something really cool thats far away and itll be like "woah! thats so cool (imagines building something awesome there) well anyways. never gonna come back here" and sometimes the world can get kinda repetitive to the point you just Run Through it. not really any small interesting things to grab along a journey. its gotta either be a significant structure you end up finding (which can end up being either a giant big side adventure which is cool but. i might not wanna commit to that. or its just a desert temple aka a 1 minute excursion where like, why did i even have to do any of this) i think terraria underground exploration nails it with more stuff than just ores, like life crystals and simple cabins with loot. they feel nice to find but then again. i dont wanna ALSO overanalyze whyi love terraria. ive already done that for minecraft and its both a blessing and a curse ill just say i love npc happiness, i love exploration, i love everything terraria has. except master mode and i love many things in minecraft, but i will always be a birdnester. i want to bring everything home with me. even though i think the game should prooobably design around reducing birdnesting just because like, the modern game is Definitely designed around exploration clearly ...i could make a whole post on the differences of the Vibes and Goals of modern mc vs old mc kinda tempted to wonder how many things id change about modern mc to keep all of its features but make it feel like old mc in a way. like, okay, i'd make stuff like frogs and sniffers far less animated. id make things in general feel less intentionally designed.. this post is long. im just gonna stop it here

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[moodr1ng]

i dont think ive ever seen people talk specifically about how mentally ill trans people can be barred from transitioning medically on the basis of (certain stigmatized) mental illnesses.

during my mandatory 2 years of therapy before i could start medical transition through one of frances public "transsexualism care" units, where you are evaluated over and over by a psychiatrist to make sure you are "actually trans" or transitioning for "the right reasons", among questions like "do you want to be a man because youre trying to be with someone whos only attracted to men?", one of the things the psychiatrist clarified would 100% bar me from transition would be a diagnosis of schizophrenia or another schizo-spectrum disorder. if i admitted to being diagnosed with such a disorder, that would be an immediate "you will not be prescribed hormones or access surgery", as a rule.

luckily, at the time of this appointment i wasnt diagnosed with schizoaffective bipolar yet and so i truthfully said i had no such diagnosis. when i did get diagnosed a year later i was also lucky that the mental health facility i was in did not communicate this with my transsexualism care unit. so i still got to transition. but if, for example, my psychosis had been diagnosed earlier, like if i had gotten better mental health care to begin with, i would not have been allowed to transition through the public channels for it, despite how my disorder did not and does not impact my desire for transition whatsoever.

i met a trans woman in the waiting room of this same psychiatrist, there for the same reasons as i was: trying to get on hrt and have transition surgeries. she was diagnosed with a psychotic disorder. she had been undergoing these psychiatric evaluations for 6 years in this unit and had never been allowed to access transition because of her disorder. i never saw her again; i dont know if she ever got there.

these "public" units in france, of which there are only a small number (thats why i have to travel to paris for my transition needs and every appointment related to my transition), are generally regarded as dysfunctional and fucked up, but if you jump through their hoops long enough, eventually you can get to a point where by default you qualify and are accepted for every transition-related surgery for the rest of your life, and these surgeries are fully covered by social security, so the most you may pay out of pockets is a couple hundred euros for the hospital room, if that. on top of this, instead of having to look up surgeons, research their work to make sure theyre competent, make your own arrangements for every surgery, and likely pay quite a bit out of pocket, public units already have surgeons on-hand who youll immediately be redirected to.

so if youre, say, a very mentally ill person with neurodevelopmental conditions, for whom having look for doctors, endocrinologists, surgeons etc on your own is a very difficult task, and who also doesnt have the means to pay for surgeries and cant get those means bc youre on disability benefits, public units might be the most accessible choice. but if one of those disabling conditions you have is schizophrenia? well, youre a bit fucked.

[gibbearish]

Hey, I found ur trans quiz thing on uquiz, I think I'm in the right place. Anyway, I'm basically positive that I'm trans, but I don't know if I should come out. If I do, my mom and brother will be disgusted by me, (both Christians) and I'm pretty sure I'd get the same result from my best friend. My real name is Roman, but I put Charlie for my username bc I want to be Charlotte instead. I don't want to bottle up my feelings, but I'm sure they would all judge me. What do you suggest I do? Thx for listening.

hey there! yep you reached the right place:3

this is always a tough one, i was in a pretty similar situation when i was in high school. i know a lot of people will say like "you never know until you try, the people who love you might surprise you!" but personally ive always found that to be somewhat shallow advice. you know the people in your life better than randos ever will, so above anything else i would say to go with your gut here. if it tells you that coming out now wouldnt be safe, then unfortunately i think it probably would be in your best interests to just keep your head down until youre able to set up a life and support system outside of them, so that if things do break bad it doesn't fuck you over.

that being said, that doesn't mean you have to bottle it all up either, nor does that mean all hope is lost for having a relationship with those people afterwards.

first, try to seek out others like you in your life right now. im not sure how old you are but most of the people who've reached out from the quiz have been high schoolers so i'm going off that assumption, if you are in high school i would see if your school has a GSA you could join, or if that wouldnt be a possibility bc ur parents wouldnt let you go then you could try reaching out to the teacher that runs it to see if they have any advice or could help you connect with other queer kids outside of the club. if you can't do that then you may still be able to connect, i know the stereotypes abt people "looking gay" are shit but there are also legitimately queer style choices that people make on purpose because they want to look queer (myself included), and while openly saying "hey you look gay lets be friends" would suck, ill let you on on the secret code to tell queer strangers you recognize their vibes: "omg i love your hair". and obviously randos can give that compliment too but im being 100% serious when i say that if that comment comes from Another Queer and is said in the "im gay too please notice me" way, it hits different, idk how to explain lmao. or "i like your pins" if they have pride stuff. really it's just you pointing out the Thing that made you go "you seem like me," and then complimenting it to show the other person youre cool with that stuff. and obv follow the other persons vibes, if theyre just like "oh thanks" and then turn back around then just move on w ur day, but if theyre like "omg i love your hair too!" then *hacker voice* youre in

anyways on to the second part which is all hope is not lost:

you may not be able to come out to these people now, BUT you may be able to start laying the groundwork to do it further down the line. i'm not saying start religious/political arguments, obv do whatever you need to stay safe, but you can start just. nudging them in the right direction. like say your parents are ranting about something right on the line of anger abt queerness, like a guy wearing eyeliner or w/e, you could drop a noncommital "eh i think it looks cool but i get it" or "i mean its kinda just facepaint when you think abt it tho right?" or another example i cant think of right now to just kind of. push the needle a little bit. and with this kind of thing it's very important you dont go into it expecting immediate change, like. this is you planting the seeds so that in six months when theyre trying to fall asleep theyll be like "....huh. i guess it kinda is just like facepaint, so. why is facepaint ok for men but makeup isnt" yknow? so if you go into it with that being the expectation, the things you say hopefully wont register as confrontational or disagreeing, but just as like. the noncommital hand wiggle gesture. it can take a long time for ideas to take root in people so it makes convos much easier when you remind yourself not to expect immediate change

now obviously your mileage may vary, if you think even that would be too dangerous then absolutely feel free to disregard and just do your best not to let the things they say get to you. and either way remember that you WILL have your own life away from them someday where you get to be yourself, and it is never ever too late to start transition. no matter how long you have to stay with them to set up your own life, it is out there, and one day you will get to a point where whether they cut you off or not, it doesn't matter. you'll get to choose your own clothes, religion, hair style, makeup, house decorations, food, schedule, the world will be your oyster. so when it gets hard, hold on to that. i believe in u 💕

[song-of-the-stars]

.

keep thinking about the last place where i lived where one of the most awful things was just... being very like.... pedestalized and getting Too Much attention and. idk. people don't seem to get that it isn't fun to be the person in the room people all find most agreeable and best behaved and fun to be around bc it often means everyone else. is not. not as a hard and fast rule or anything but. so often there was all this petty drama and squabbling and fighting and sometimes things got really triggering for my cptsd bc of how people treated each other. and then i move here.

first time i even meet them theyre fighting. they couldn't even pretend to make a good impression. but i was so exhausted and so ready to move and out of time to find a place. and i thought well maybe it will get better. but it just got worse. once again and quite quickly i was finding myself being suddenly appointed some kind of arbiter or referee and it's like... i am so tired. i am so so tired. but here people were much worse to me. for reasons frankly incomprehensible that seem to just... root down to personality given it was going on from the start and they treated each other that way as well so. but it's gotten so bad that my health and well being just have been careening off a damn cliff because they've been so goddamn cruel and inexplicably angry and all this stuff and i don't know if it's because of the way they've become accustomed to treating each other or the racism i definitely have seen and experienced and even in our first meeting they recognized was happening and was like "we'll be up to learn about anti racism" as a like reassurance nd im just sitting there like well i dont have to hang out with them if they mistreat me. apparently that too has been denied to me? because they did so i didn't. and yet it does continue down this narrow precipitous track of god knows what to god knows where for reasons that have no standing on anything resembling solid reasonable ground because there just... is no reason to do what they've been doing. to the point i have repeatedly convinced myself i must just be wrong about it. and been proven wrong about being wrong. you think no one could ever be that bad you know. you think it must be impossible for that lottery of people to have turned up so absolutely ill in your favor for them to act... that badly.

i don't think it costs a lot for people to care for each other, especially the ones who claim to be good friends. and now it's like well i chose this situation because i wanted covid safety which is now out of reach seemingly, and i probably won't find somewhere else i can afford. and i still when i think back to being the center of attention cannot stand it. it's still not worth it. you can wrap all the way around to the other side of something, and not be in much a different place. if they love you too much or hate you too much you're in their attention and they're thinking about you. and it traces like lines. i've tried for so long to even conceptualize the morality of this situation mainly because i do not want to have suffered something so wrong as i have. but i have. i've tried to find any possible explanation any possible justification, but there are none to be found. once again i am the center of attention, in a much stranger way. but it's not the same feeling. it's like its cousin, something distant but related. some people don't know what peace or mercy or caring really is. some people will be vicious to you simply for the taste of it on their lips. i knew over and over again that it seemed like there would be problems from the way they acted but you try to tune those things out, you want to look on the bright side. you can't have that kind of constant worry when usually there's not so much to worry about. i should have known this was different from the things they'd said i guess. it laid out a pattern that i really tried to ignore because i'd never encountered anything like it, and they say people can change and they said they'd changed. who wants to worry like that in a situation so closely packed? who in search of perhaps the sort of home they'd found wouldn't try to ignore the things that seemed difficult or wrong and try to fix them or just. take the slings and arrows. it seems there's always slings and arrows. the problem is there's a difference whether they come from someone else, rather than outrageous fortune. i guess i've learned a lot about people and what ill they're willing to do to justify their own misdeeds. cruel thoughts and misgivings. I can't say I ever wanted to learn any of that though. I can't say anyone should ever have to. i really don't understand what they get out of any of it. why for cruelty's sake they should waste all the sand in the hourglass. I'm about to leave this place and it's almost over and I still just don't get it. I don't know if I ever will. I know there's aspects to this of sexual assault in their actions. I know they seem to be afraid of black people as a whole and have this strange conception that i'm some kind of criminal threat or something? Based on literally nothing from reality.

I know they mentioned they've had issues with what they've done before and it seems potentially likely they were kicked out of their last place because they were caught. They said something not unlike it that just didn't add up at all. I've been gaslit, mistreated, hacked, stalked, purposely triggered. Devices recording in my room? I keep going well I must be crazy. But I don't have those symptoms. And I keep being right about it. I think they knew about my tumblr or something before we lived together but I'm not even sure. I just know a lot of things make a net zero sense otherwise. I even heard about them talking about being about to hack someone's email or something one day around me like it was absolutely nothing but maybe they're the type where black folks are kind of invisible. It's one of those things where the more you perceive how it all fits together the worse it gets and you just don't want to look anymore. The connection is such a horrible thing. I don't even know how they're doing things fully so I don't know how to stop it or get away from them safely. I've been trying to seek help but it's baffling. And I can only wonder what else they've done that I don't know about, before me and to me. I know they've lied about me really majorly. I don't know what the full extent of their actions are, given that I do not traffic in surveillance devices or any bs like that like. Literally who does that. It's such an unbelievable situation but I also know I haven't been writing these and now I remember that it's because they started fucking watching what i was writing, somehow. reacting out there. I can hear it sometimes. I have learned never share your triggers because some people will not act right about them. I should have known my roommate was going on a fishing expedition with the questions they were asking me when we first talked about the living situation but I was so exhausted. Sometimes all you want is for things to change and you don't look before you leap. And sometimes you have no other option. Sometimes you try to leave and they lock you in the same way they steal your microwave while claiming they'll get a new one for the house and then get mad as hell when you ask for your own damn property back. It's funny because I thought the other situation that was potentially an option was more of a risk for abuse. And here I am being abused. It's one of those things that's so bad that you don't even want to think people really could do it but you think about the things the people have said to you and around you and you know full well that it is not only possible but potentially very likely. And now not only has it passed likelihood but it's been happening. For seven months or more I figure. Maybe all of them. I really feel like I remember it being something I suspected because in part of things said. But I never got any confirmation so I assumed you know, why would someone do that. And even if they did, nothing for them to find. It doesn't matter if there's anything for them to find though, does it? It certainly hasn't made them stop. It certainly doesn't change that I'm frankly one of the singularly most boring people on earth. And yet again I am the center of attention. It is so fucked up the way some people will treat you on this earth. Exceedingly.

And I keep thinking about the things they seem to think and the things they seem to react to and I wonder if it is just ultimately sexual assault in the whole. Aside from their repeated equivalencies of blackness, and 'dangerous criminals'. Because they know there's nothing for them to find because there's no reason to look and nothing to look for. I scarcely go outside let alone leave my room. Ain't nothing to have troubled them. Kept wondering if I somehow had unknowingly done something that upset them but I think my existence alone frankly is too much for these people.

[kurjakani]

Alright quick question..we have similar taste in fictional men and I’ve never watched Bleach before should I start it so I can obsess over Mayuri as well?

HMMMMMMMAH rly hard to tell. Ok sorry bleach fans i love u but im gonna shit talk this show a bit. Pls dont read if u cant handle me rambling abt my personal experience w a show meant for 15 year old boys. I actually love it deeply !!!!!!! I enjoy ir a lot!!!!! However. I really struggle w watching the show sometimes. Its over 300 eps + the movies which i havent even gotten started with. It's difficult bc theres a lot of cool moments too but good lird esp at tge start the fights consist of characters deciding that they have more soul power bc of some memory they had and beatinh eachother. Everyone is confident there is character variety but everyone is like supposed 2 be a huge badass and idk thats just not my type of media (which is why orihime is actually one of my favourite characters bc she stands in such contrast w her confidence issues and damseliness. Also Ishida i love Ishida i love his arc in the umm when they had the bounts and his self reflection about his inabilitu to help the others + hes always rly analytical in fights. Mayuri too bcs all of his power comes from thinking & experimenrting & PREPARADNESS. I dont remember him ever mentioning soul power bc hes like only talking about technique. Zaraki is also incrhesting bc he is overpowered, but to a point of ridiculousness and where he has an one punch man styled conflict w being unable 2 find someone he has fun fightinh w) i like casts full of losers and freaks. Talking of freaks Tite Kubo is one and will NOT stop making fucked up jokes, esp about girls. His humour is shit theres been like. One scene where i laughed out loud and it was bc ichigos dad pelted him w no mercy bc hes used 2 him being able to fight but ichigo was just tired and he flew thru the room thats fr the only time ive laughed. Theres a lot of rly dark topics also treated very lightly, including when it comes to Mayuri??? Esp his treatment of Nemu. As far as ive seen!!! The storyline has an interesting end in the manga tho and like it seems more thoughtful but ive yet to see that. But the treatment of Nemu as a prop to show how awful Mayuri is and to also be fanservice rly. It frusturates me. Theres so much like, interesting stuff you could do w her character. Again tho im at ep like 180 so maybe there will be!!!! For the good tho Tite Kubo has just. Theeee most incredible eye for character design in my eyes hes so fuckinh good its ridiculous. Even a lot of the side characters are mega memorable and its no wonder a lot of thr characters are absolutely iconic. Also the show definetly gets better the beginninh is just so. Slow. As u can prolly pick up from my earlier notes there are a couple characters that i fuxking loooove aside from Mayuri. As for mayuri he is fuckinh viile and they make some gross jokes abt him too but he is so. Ill b real hes just sexy and also transformation coded so. Literally childhood fave chinhands emoji idc. There also are some great interactions between characters!!! Thr main characters rly care abt eachothef and are so devoted 2 taking care of eachother and i think thats lovely. They can be cranky and mean but theyre always worried for eachother and rwady to help and i think thats just so sweet i like that dynamic. Sorry i di have more to say abt the show as u can see i have some big big emotions abt it and i care abt iy sm but it also often frusturates me deeply a lot of tje time. Its a show you endure. Thank god it jas a dub bc i am watcjing it while knitting / drawing etc.