#bc I genuinely don’t know where they’re gonna go from here in terms of the endgame

[sveyta]

Me at the conspiracy board now that Sunfyre and Aegon (???) are now out of the mix

[thebearer]

Annnnnnd how would Lip act in the situation of the devastation fic

i’ve had to think about this tbh. bc he kinda already had his own version with the unexpected pregnancy news of freddy.

but i started thinking in terms of lip’s reader leaving and taking the kids with her, and genuinely, i can’t think of a situation where that would happen and she would come back. like they’d be done.

now, with that being said, i could see lip and you getting into a fight- a huuuuugggeee fight. bigher than the one when you found out you were pregnant with amelia. this is based off of lip with best friend!reader who’s a elementary school teacher. she does pretty well, has a salary and insurance so wayyyy better than anything lip grew up with, but they’re not rich by any means. truly comfortable. lip’s working at the auto shop, still doing odd ball jobs but more full time, got promoted to a shift supervisor and got a raise. you both share a bank account together bc it makes it easier.

debby (bc it’s always debby and i’m a debby hater sorry) does something stupid. stupid enough to need bail money, stupid enough that she might get franny taken away or placed into custody elsewhere. debby calls lip, wailing and frantic for money, and lip, of course, rushes to give in.

comes to you all frantic and manic. “hey, uh, i-i need to move some money alright?”

“move some money? why?” you frown. “lip, are you- is everything alright?”

“debby got arrested.” lip mumbles. he’s known you for a while, a long while, he knows your disdain when it comes to debby and her carelessness. more so, his incessant need to always pull her out of the hole she dug herself in. “she needs money for bail.”

“woah, woah, hold on.” you stop him. “you’re- you’re not- lip, absolutely not.”

“what?” lip snaps. “absolutely not? what-“

“-lip.” you glare at him lightly. “no, we-we don’t have that kind of money right now. jude starts daycare next month, and the daycare fees are going to double-“

“-yeah because you insist on puttin’ them in that fancy ass one by your school.” lip scoffs. “couldn’t leave them with mrs. mcgee. too fuckin’ good for that.”

“yeah, i am too good to leave my babies with a lady who chain smokes and watches the price is right all day.” you glare. “i want my babies to go somewhere safe and- that’s not even the point right now. lip, no. you’re not doing it. we can’t afford it.”

“we can fucking afford it. don’t start this shit with me-“

“-lip, we might have the money for it, but that does not mean we can afford it. that’s our savings, our safety net-“

“-and this is my family. my sister.” lip gritted his teeth. “isn’t that what the safety nets for, huh? for shit like this? unexpected bad shit?”

“not for debby.” you snap, finality in your tone. “not for someone who continues to make bad decisions and not learn from them and then wants you to run and get her out of it every time. i’m sorry, lip. this time i’m not letting you do it.”

that escalates bc one, you told lip he couldn’t do something which just made him turn more stubborn, and two, he’s blinded with irrational rage.

“what about franny, huh? she’s your fuckin’ niece, you’re gonna just let her get put in the system-“

“-franny is more than welcome to stay here. i will gladly take her while debby’s figuring shit out, but you have kids you need to think of. two kid that are yours that you need to think of, lip!”

“don’t you fucking dare.” lip snarls. “don’t you use my kids against me.”

“i’m not using them against you! jesus, lip, you don’t get to just come in here and tell me what we’re doing with our money! that’s my money in there too, ok? i’m telling you right now, if you fuckin’ use my money on this, and not think about our kids, you might as well just not come home.”

lip is furious, leaves without another word, slamming the door hard behind him leaving you in the house with freddy and baby jude. you’re fuming, upset, hurt- he’s feeling the same. lip is furious, furious at you telling him what to do.

he ends up at ian’s house after coming dangerously close to going to the alibi. ian talks him down, tells him you’re right, which was not what lip wanted to hear.

“debby can wait. she’ll get out soon enough and she can figure it out.” ian rolls his eyes. “she shouldn’t have been such a fuckin’ moron.”

“what about franny then, huh? you’re gonna just let her go into the system? let cps get her until then?” lip spat furiously.

ian scoffs. “franny is with carl right now. he’s bringin’ her here tonight.”

lip burns with embarrassment, feeling petulant but still pissed. “hey, word of advice?” ian smirks. “quit bein’ a hard headed jack ass and go home and apologize to your wife before she comes to her senses and leaves your ass for good.”

and lip is still mad but it’s dwindling, a guilt replacing it instead. he just needed to calm down, to think straight. walking back to your house, he had the time to.

lip jammed his key in the door, the ridges not sliding the usual way, not clicking. so he tried again, turning the key with no luck- it didn’t budge. he pulled on the knob, twisting again and again but nothing. “stupid fuckin’ piece of shit door.” lip grumbles, knocking on the door.

he waits, huffing, knocking louder. when there was still no response, lip goes to pull out his phone, only then does he see the pink envelope with his name on it on the welcome mat.

lip opens it up to find a note:

“phillip,

since you insist on doing whatever you want without asking me or considering our family, i decided i would do the same. you can go stay with debby since you chose her over me and my kids.

ps. don’t bother with the lock, i had them changed xoxo”

he found his car keys under the envelope. lip was furious, absolutely fucking furious and sick and upset and just overwhelmed with every emotion possible. you hadn’t even given him his lighter, so he took a walk to the corner store to buy a pack of spirits and a lighter. he called you on his way back, not surprised when you didn’t pick up.

“hey, you know, i know you think you’re bein’ real fuckin’ funny but this shit isn’t funny, ok? i didn’t choose debby, i didn’t do shit, alright? so let me back in the house and let’s be adults about this.”

then another voicemail.

“alright, seriously? you’re not gonna let me in? you’re not gonna let me come say goodnight to freddy or jude? that’s fucked up. really fuckin’ fucked up.”

“you’re bitchin’ me out about not spending money, and-and you get that done? get the locks changed? how much did that cost huh? you can use money to be petty and childish but i don’t get a say in what i want to use it in?”

“ok this is ridiculous. let me in. talk to me. be a fuckin’ adult.”

“seriously? where the fuck am i supposed to sleep tonight? i know you’re fuckin’ seeing’ these- i can fuckin’ see you! just let me in!”

you don’t budge. don’t reply back, don’t answer the calls. he knows better than to bang on the door, wake jude or freddy up, and truthfully… he’s a little terrified at the moment. very scared that you’re truly done with him, that ian was right and you’d come to your senses.

so he slept in his car. in the driveway, thankful it was warm that night and he had a few spare shirts and things in the back. he waited until the next morning, when he knew you’d be up with the boys, to ring the doorbell.

his anger had vanished to fear and guilt, retreating back to you with his tail tucked between his legs, all sad eyes and gentle apologies that you deflected with anger still bubbling.

it definitely took him a while to make it up, a very long while before you actually gave him his new key. he had to make it up to you, work on his communication and his sharing especially with you.

[unhingedkinfessions]

"we have full rights to make fun of you or judge you for whatever it is you submit"

yeah this is the reason fictionkinfessions is the only good kinfession blog. that's just super mean spirited to add for no good reason. like you're the mods, it's your job to curate a space for posts to be judged, commented on and talked about, not to decide which kinfessions you want to bully? if you MUST make fun of or judge something why not respond from your personal blog or send an anon replying to it instead of literally adding it onto the post itself? like yeesh why would anyone want to risk posting anything ACTUALLY unhinged in this environment?

it's your blog, do what you want forever, but like to me, a random tumblr user? ew.

>goes on the "we might be mean to you" blog

>gets upset we might be mean

if you dont like us then just block and move on dude lol. that's the whole gimmick of this blog. other kinblogs might not accept certain sources or kinfessions relating to certain subjects but the point is that we do but if you're genuinely a fucking weirdo we call it out. literally a guy the other day earnestly saying they kin a real life alleged n/zi drug addict with several criminal charges and was like "but he's awesome so maybe it's fine" like sorry that's deranged. not even feeling guilty about it. anons are on so you're not "risking" anything. you can't go into the peanut store and get mad they're selling peanuts because someone might be allergic. be for real lol. —mod bender

it’s not like people coming to this blog don’t know that’s what’s gonna happen to them if they send a kinfession, unless they didn’t read any of the rules/about/etc etc in which case that’s on them anyway? we state pretty clearly that if you send in kinfessions you’re acknowledging that we may make fun of you if you said something fucked up. this is like going to dick’s restaurant and getting mad when they’re dicks to you. like thats what we do here sir —mod pikmin

anon do you have something you wanna confess. are you just scared. you dont have to make up all this stuff if youre just scared were gonna be mean. you can tell me anything anon i could be your best friend i could be the best thing thats ever happened to you maybe we wont be mean come closer —mod joker

yeah its opt in man. we arent going onto random posts and judging strangers. this is like a confession booth where the priest is like "yeah it IS fucked up you did that though. like for real". our intentions are clear. and we really arent mean like a good 72% of the time anyways, theres plenty of positivity -dave dave

WHAT RISK WHAT RISK ANONS ARE ON FOR A REASON LITERALLY WHAT RISK‼️ the whole POINT is that we’re the ones responding and not random tumblr user #45 . literally this started on the idea of how funny it’d be to have a kinfession blog that actually Responds directly bc the other ones are booooooring. if you like those better you have agency you are a person you can make your own choices. lots of kin blogs are extremely limited in what they allow which leaves more “problematic” kintypes with little places to go, the disclaimer is there to say that although we may let you speak, we don’t inherently agree w you. like we make these terms so so clear this ask is so fucking funny lol - mod navi

ruling:

woah among us sex thats so cool...

[updownlately]

the way you guys are attacking the players (only seems to be barca) even though we only know the tip of the iceberg on this situation is crazy. we know nothing about what has been said after and during the whole situation. the las 15 thing was never gonna work to begin with when not all of them stood up together. the rfef had established the fact that vilda wasnt leaving whether they won or not, the only way change is coming now is with succes and support. acting as if the players didnt deserve to win and get success from a tournament they performed well in because of the coach and federation is so unfair.

hi! if you’ll see my posts i’ve never once discredited spain for their win. have i complimented them? no. but i have not in a single post said they don’t deserve it. i’ve seen all the games spain has played, they played well, wonderfully really.

what irks me as a viewer of the game is not technically the players themselves that bother me (even if it was, i’m within my own right to not like a player). my main issue with the cause at hand is not being true to your word and sticking up for what you believe in. it’s disappointed me greatly to see players who i looked up to take a stance, especially one as deep as this situation is, only to go back on their word. i value morals, values, and ethics. that's how i work. a handful of these players have gone back on what they believed in...and sure they may be right in their own sense but it doesn't mean i have to support it. for me, whether it be a player or a friend of mine who's done this, i would be stepping back from them either way. im choosing here to respect myself and what i believe in and support those that i feel best match who i am as a person.

and could i see where they’re coming from in terms of playing at the wc? yes. do i respect their decision to come back under a coach they’ve all claimed is toxic? when more than half the team has written down that they would like to have him removed as a coach? MORE THAN HALF? and yet, when it came time to double down, to really show how much of a poor impact he had on the team, only a handful did so.

the implications of the players that rejoined under the coach and those that were willing to is huge. it washes away everything they’ve fought for up to till this point. the hard work and sacrifices of not only themselves but also other players.

as for the only barca players being attacked…mate i’m genuinely not a liga f watcher, much less a real madrid watcher. i personally have been floating in and out of the woso space for years, focussing a lot more on the north american and then somewhat british side due to the north american players playing there. i've just recently got into the wsl and have watched maybe 5 games of barca bc a) i grew up in the messi era and have supported him, and b) all the hype surrounding alexia putellas.

i can't speak for other people, but that's my reasoning. im only mainly familiar with ona, aitana, and alexia, and they're the players that matter to me, that i once looked up to. the others, i mean this in the nicest way possible, i am indifferent to. its just the way it is. you can't care for everyone, and i am choosing not to.

you've said this: "the las 15 thing was never gonna work to begin with when not all of them stood up together. the rfef had established the fact that vilda wasnt leaving whether they won or not, the only way change is coming now is with succes and support."

i want you to take a look at usa's coach...the way he's left the team after their horrible performance. and you've said it yourself as well, this was never going to work when not all of them stood together. THAT IS THE POINT. that right there.

why have only a handful of players made sacrifices? why is only them sticking by their word? where are the rest? this is why im upset. that this could've had an impact. imagine what everyone would have been focusing on if 15 of spains key players were out? the talks that would happen. yes spain has more than 15 good players. but if you're missing names like bonmati, leon, alexia, etc....people would talk!

at the end of the day, it comes down to the all of this combined. and so no, i won't be happy with the fact that spain won. not one bit. im not even going to apologize for that. for me the true winners were teams that fought together and stood up together (looking at usa in the past years, england, nigeria, canada, jamaica, etc.).

spain's team has showed me they don't respect their values, morals, and ethics, and that is not something i can stand behind.

that's my take, hope it clears things up for you!

[the-friendliest-freak]

Adding onto this post (the one where The Narrator, instead of initiating a rivalry with Monika, ends up taking the DDLC girls under his wing so he can help them come to terms with being trapped in a game):

(Also disclaimer I haven’t been into DDLC in a while this may or may not be accurate pls don’t kill me)

(Second disclaimer cuz I’m gonna be paranoid if I don’t say it: these are all strictly PLATONIC. No romance here.)

They all mostly stay in the Apartment or The Memory Zone since they’re the closest things The Narrator has to domestic settings on-hand

The Narrator eventually learns about each of the girls’ personal issues and takes to trying his best to help (not bc he cares or anything. No he hasn’t gotten attached. No he absolutely doesn’t catch himself nearly calling them his kids)

Monika and him tend to have “training sessions” where they’ll see how far Monika’s powers go. It starts with simple stuff, like changing the texture file of an objet.

(TW SELF HARM) He teaches Yuri this technique he heard of where you write on your arms instead of cutting, and while it does take a while, along with some additional help, they do start seeing improvements. He encourages her to perhaps write any ideas she has for poems on there if she’s ever feeling the urge.

Sayori, Monika, and The Narrator usually have a few chats about how to deal with Sayori’s possible and growing awareness of the fourth wall. They have these conversations in calmer areas of the office, like the Memory Zone or the Zending room (with the door leading to the stair room closed).

Natsuki, for obvious reasons (cough cough shitty dad cough), distances herself from The Narrator quite a bit. Eventually, concerned about her getting lost in the office, he finds her reading manga alone in the Employee Lounge. He has an idea, and asks her what she’s reading, and “why are the speech bubbles the wrong way around?”. Natsuki - appropriately shocked, stunned, absolutely bamboozled - that he has never been blessed with the knowledge and experience of manga, proceeds to excitedly tell him about it.

The Narrator knows what manga is. Yes, he’s very proud of himself for being so conniving and tricking her into sharing her interests so that she may grow comfortable in this stressful new environment. How utterly mischievous.

Sayori wrote a poem about the Memory Zone once and The Narrator did not cry about it, he swears, how could you ever reach that conclusion-

Monika plays the piano in the Boss’ Office, usually after the aforementioned training sessions.

Yuri really enjoys hearing about the more surreal and scary aspects of the office, and The Narrator’s usually on the lookout for new weird shit to show her.

Yuri: “I wrote a poem about a man who realises he murdered his wife by examining a gas station puddle too closely.” The Narrator, with genuine joy: “Amazing. Tell me everything about it.”

Sayori really likes the more humorous moments. She likes the Line™️ the most. The Narrator doesn’t get it but he’ll allow her to play with It™️ since it makes her happy (not that he cares, don’t get the wrong impression)

The Narrator and Yuri bond a bit over their shared intense desire to be liked by others. They have a lot of talks about it, usually on the shores of The Memory Zone, since she finds the water calming.

Running out of things to keep them occupied with, The Narrator once hid the Figleys around the office again and challenged Natsuki to find em all (since he figured she’d be unable to say no to such a challenge). When she did, he said he was proud of her. Natsuki may or may not have cried.

It was either Sayori or Monika to first call him dad - in Monika’s case it was probably sarcastic, and in Sayori’s it was an accident. Either way the Narrator nearly had a heart attack.

Natsuki once sarcastically called him “gramps” and he choked on his tea

During a moment of combined stress, frustration, and confusion, Monika may have altered one of The Narrator’s personality files, as she did with the rest. She changed it back shortly after once she’d realised what she’d done. He assured her he wasn’t mad, told her to not leave the room, then went to the Starry Room to recover for half an hour. (If you’re wondering which file - it was derealisation).

Whilst he feels more impacted by Yuri’s darker poems or Monika’s due to them covering experiences he gets, he does still like Sayori’s and Natsuki’s (he really enjoys reading their poems and sharing them. He loves this shit, man. He showed Natsuki his poem about the little dogs and little frogs from the DOTA 2 Announcer pack and she liked it)

All The Narrator has to do is speak in one of his sillier voices and Sayori’s in stitches. He likes how easy it is to make her laugh.

The Curator is incredibly critical of The Narrator’s choice. “How can you protect them if you can barely protect yourself?” Is a question she asks him very often.

Long story short The Narrator loves appreciates the company of his weird new daughters acquaintances

[carpetcat2]

Aw man I have so many thoughts on Drill and Scrap Knight. Copy n pasted pretty much word for word from a twitter thread bc I don’t want to resummarize them. Put under a readmore for dialogue spoilers up to Drill Knight’s boss fight.

I was fully prepared to be obsessed w any other Hexcavators, but Drill Knight was surprisingly delightful. You don't understand him like I do.

He has the vibe of someone who didn't really think of his life in the long-term but is also terrified of death.

He likes the infamy gained from his heists bc 1. He's an attention whore.

But like. On a deeper level I think he's desperate to not be forgotten. He genuinely is prepared for the possibility of dying young, but he doesn't want to be forgotten just as quickly.

It's said in camp NPC dialogue that, besides Scrap, the other Hexcavators were pretty new. It's not a group that was around for a long time.

And just based off of the other Hexcavator dialogues, it seems they see it as a temporary thing too, or at the very least don’t plan on staying long-term. (Taken from SK wiki bc I didn’t want to go through screenshots again.)

They just have to do this one heist and they're all set. So it's really neat to see Drill say this line. He cares about this seemingly temporary group and it is so interesting and sexy of him

Anyways. That’s the Mostly canon compliant stuff here’s the fanficcy stuff I wrote about Scrap and Drill based off of their apparent unique relationship.

I would’ve put this under another readmore, but apparently you can only have 1 on posts so now you have to deal with my insane rambling.

I think Scrap is like. Pretty old. Like. 58 or something while Drill's somewhere around his 30s. They're equals for the most part but the age is important.  

She’s in no way the epitome of an adult who should be responsible for a kid let alone a teen. She’s like a wine aunt who's kind of a bad influence, but she still has valuable insight on life that Drill very much values.

They met when Drill was like. Some weird scraggly little teen and they've been pestering each other since.

Do you get where I'm going yes yes you do

 DK: There's no thrill in a heist without danger ScK: Well, there's no thrill without skill, you little shit. Lemme show you how it's done before you keel over or something.

  So that day rolls around and she just wakes him up like ScK: Wakey wakey birthday boy! Or should I say... Birthday man ;D

And Drill is still trying to figure out whether it's a Tuesday or a Friday morning. 

ScK: We gotta do something big for your big day! Like... Or or like... Or maybe!!! Fuck it were doing all of the above. We're gonna have a busy day today so LETSGO And then they rob a couple sorcerers and one of Pridemoor's treasure vaults 

 And by the end of the day they're breathless. It's become dark by then and the only light they have besides the fleeting setting sun is the dim glow of the magical relics they stole refracted in the facets of gems they also stole. 

They're trying to keep their voices down, but the excitement is too much. It wasn't a big deal though. They were the best scavenger and the best thief! 

Their chatter finally slows down and they just sit there for a moment to appreciate the chilled air. "Oh shit wait. Gotta do this before I forget" scrap breaks the peace to go rummage through their loot and drill glances over, curiously.

ScK: Tada!!

She pulls out an expensive looking bottle of wine and a glass that somehow did not break while inside the bag. 

DK: Oh... Wow  DK: Let me guess. You plan on getting blackout drunk again?  ScK: What? No, this is the fancy shit. Obviously it's for you.  DK: Really now? ScK: Yeah, really! I know your standards are high and all so I made sure to get the best of the best for you! Why did you think I dragged you all the way to Pridemoor's vault? DK: The various magical relics? The ridiculous amount of gold? Really, I can't think of any other reason.😒 ScK: Those were also very compelling reasons, but this one's the big one!

And she holds out the bottle and glass for him to take.

DK: ... You do realize that the legal drinking age is 21, right? ScK: What?? Where's the guy who raided Pridemoor's vault with me just an hour ago? Here I was, thinking you didn't care about the law. DK: Obviously I don't. 

And then he takes the items from her. but like. listen. listen.

"I didn't think I'd live past 18" 

And he's now at that middle point and that fact is just sinking in.

Y'know that feeling when you're overwhelmed w emotion or whatever but you're in denial about it / trying to push it down bc it's stupid?

You're in conflict with what's going on bc by all means it shouldn't be happening, and you're trying to keep it together to not dour the mood bc it's supposed to be fun/happy.

He's like. frozen in place for a moment because everything's just setting in. 

"Holy shit. I'm an adult." And he's reluctant at first to actually try it bc he couldn't really fathom the possibility.

ScK: Aww, come on! Don't tell me you're chickening out on me! ScK: Hey.. earth to Drill? Yoohoo! ScK: .......Are you alright?

He then (tries) to chug the whole bottle to deflect the question, which is something you absolutely should not do if you want to be correct about drinking wine.

She knows something is up but just isn't sure how to handle it. She doesn't really bring it up but still tries to lighten the mood. 

And she's not exactly equipped to handle something like that bc she's very much someone who pushes down issues too.

Far from an amazing influence.

Recognizes an issue, but doesn't personally address it. “He's a tough guy.. He's not gonna want to talk about it with me and that's fine. He can handle it himself.”

Note: He doesn't, and now Scrap has to reconcile with the fact that she actually has to act responsibly because she does in fact care about this loser and doesn't want him hurt.

It's not going to be as easy as just repressing it and laughing it off later, because the weight doesn't solely fall on her shoulders this time.

Something something she acts mean and pushes people away because she doesn't want that responsibility over another person in that way again. She's fucked up in that position more times than she wished she did and doesn't really trust herself to be in that position ever again.

The convo is important for the both of them bc Scrap has to confront that shared mindset of not thinking about anything longterm and find reasons that would comfort someone about it + acknowledge that amount of responsibility she has over her friend and take that seriously.

And like. I talked about Drill's deal. Actually looking forward for the future. Starting to delve more into the long-term.

DK: The highest quality wine from Pridemoor's vaults... Honestly, I have no idea how I'll top that when I actually reach drinking age. ScK: Well, that'd be a problem for when you get to 21! We could rob Pridemoor’s Castle itself! DK: ....Yeah. Yeah, that sounds cool.

[suchsaccharine]

330am and have no intention of trying to sleep at this point. I just need to keep this in the for front of my mind today while I’m working.

Keep in mind that once I leave for work, redo-sing is not an option.

My hs reunion is this weekend.

Gonna want to be rested for that.

For sure.

Actually in the past month (sober) I’ve made much much much more progress in my wl mission than in months prior. Sleeping is where it’s at.

But I had a moment of weakness and I gave in, and now I’ve got to see my decision through to the end.

The end.

-

I want to cut out random drvg sessions. Like randomly ordering ket, c0ke, speed, mdm@ once every other month. Like where would I be if I didn’t…where could I be if I don’t stay right where I’m at? I have a strong argument for the opposite side, but I do consider this.

I think I’m going to try it.

Cut out everything but my dabs and herb.

Might avoid the tempting redbull substitution this time bc that felt great at first, and then it didn’t.

I lay next to my baby while they sleep and I wish I could enjoy watching them sleep peacefully for so much longer. The sun will rise soon.. another day of being flooded with internal declarations of parental shortcomings and failures. I’ve not felt so genuinely ready to not be here since I had convinced myself I had contracted an incurable sti for like a full 6 months in the first half of 11th grade. But this time it’s not cause of inevitable aloneness, or even disliking raising my child, but that I can see almost nothing but mistakes every single day and I’m starting to believe and accept that I’m kind of not the greatest and that he may be happier in the short+long term if I just..went. I know that probably sounds crazy. And I don’t feel like a bad person or a mean person… but I feel like I could be doing better. And I am trying. Like everyday I consciously attempt to be better than the day before, or at least be very self aware of what I’m projecting.. and I still just feel like I’m failing this kid. I see them laugh and smile and joke and goof off but in my mind …. It’s like I’m so worried ab what could be having a last or traumatizing effect on them, that I truly cannot steer my thoughts in another direction. All day. And all night.

I remember feeling this genre of anxiety for the first time - the first night we were home from the hospital. I don’t think I slept at all. Between feedings I was just in shock. And that was over 8 yrs ago.

See, I wasn’t supposed to have them when I did. It was just a check up and their dad just left me 2 weeks prior and I was only 19 and it was over a month before the actual due date. When they put that baby in my chest, I never felt more lost and confused and helpless in my entire life. I felt bad that I wasn’t having that magical moment that you hear about. But I suspected, during my pregnancy, that I might not. Looking back I can see that I had detached myself from my surroundings and my self because my life had become very actively traumatic. It took me years to figure out that’s why I have and haven’t done a lot of the things I did…and didn’t. Maybe within the last 3 yrs I’ve really been trying to come to terms with everything in the past so I can be better from my child today, and tomorrow. But anyway…

Idk why I typed all that out as if I haven’t written about this in other journals. I guess it’s not the backstory I’m fixated on rn, it’s the current climate. I just can’t tell if they’re happy or not. They told me last night about a disturbing nightmare they’ve been having for about 3 months, which is almost how long my partner for 4yrs (-1.5) have been back together. My partner cares for tha kid a lot and is a good role model. But I feel he is sometimes too quick to be too stern. It’s disheartening. But, He will ensure my child has every opportunity for a successful future. And I’m deathly afraid I can’t provide that all by myself. What’s the lesser of two evils? And while my partner is stern, my child usually has an overall positive shift in behavior with them around. But sometimes I can just see where they are miscommunicating and honestly I am often a bit more ‘on the side’ of my kid because as I observe them together, I can basically see what my kid meant by what they said, why they phrased it how they did, why they are frustrated that you don’t seem to be on the same page. I see it play out across his expressive features clear as day.

I’m only one tiny person. I wish I had all the answers. I don’t. I just really really hope the decisions I make about him do not make him worse off than he would be otherwise. God I feel like shit for bringing him into my mess of a life.

[no-droids]

Ch 17 was so, so, so good (thank you!!) 🥺 i am still processing. ((Edit: this turned into an essay so i Am Very Sorry in advance, there is a tldr at the end though))

First of all. We get to see Din going through it the same way sweet girl was a couple chapters ago and I love it! She’s been so clear from the start that she doesn’t want to run away from him and now Din’s getting to the point where he doesn’t want to chase her anymore because he just wants her to be physically there with him again. The second night of comms while she’s camped out at the orphanage?? “I thought this was going to be alright, but I hate it.” ??????????? i am a Puddle of Emotions no one look at me ����

And then the way he’s so unsure about whether she hasnt begun to reconsider wanting to keep up with his bounty-hunter life now that she’s finally gotten a break if being forced to outrun a mandalorian can be really even be called a break for the first time in a year?? And he can SEE all the places she’s stopped to talk to people on this planet (his comment about the number of times the blond guy turned around to talk to her in the line? 🥺.) Din knows she’s enjoying these small encounters with people, getting to interact with a new planet and learn new things as she’s making her way through each place, and since they’re only talking at night he gets to think about it literally all day long as he follows her trail and tries to figure out what her plan is. This is truly an exercise in Din thinking nonstop about sweet girl (which ofc he does already, but like, thinking critically about what she thinks/wants/does/needs and why) and I feel like that’s causing him to slowly start to second guess himself in terms of where he would put himself on sweet girl’s list of priorities. And I wonder how much of this he’s actually considering for the first time? because it’s always him who leaves and comes back when he gets jobs — this is the first time that sweet girl has left him instead of the other way around. Sweet girl has had tons of time to think about these things, whereas Din hasn’t really had to... because it’s not the one who leaves who feels the absence most, it’s the one who’s left behind (even if just temporarily).

I can just picture Din’s increasing doubts as the chase keeps going, whether he’s worth putting up with his lifestyle and whether sweet girl wouldn’t rather have a life like the people he sees in the footprints around hers? because he knows her, knows she likes soft beds and meeting people and fresh fruit and beautiful scenery, which are all things that living on the razor crest can’t always provide except for the last one bc Din Djarin IS beautiful scenery let’s be clear and just. the ANGST. I cannot. ( a n d meanwhile sweet girl is having a breakdown thinking he wants to STOP looking and LEAVE her? As if)

So when she shuts down his tentative doubts about it on the second night she’s at the orphanage and Din starts asking questions about favorite animals and flowers and things?? 🥺🥺🥺🥺 I lost it. Din is mirroring the love and care he receives from sweet girl (and learning to tap into those emotions as he does) and I am just in awe of both his character development from ch 1 to here and your ability to show that gradual shift in your writing.

Tl;dr thank you very much for this latest chapter! I will continue to be a soft emotional little puddle for the foreseeable future, or at least until I can figure out to scrape myself off the floor and function like a human being who has not just read rough day ch 17 and promptly dissolved as a direct result🌻

okay

okay first of all ma’am/sir/friend, please do not put tl;dr’s on a fucking MASTERFUL DISSECTION LIKE THAT like I genuinely hope people read every word of what you have written because you’re so spot on about everything that I was almost taken aback JEJFJJDJFJF

I would like to say, and I need to do this in list form because you have presented so many beautiful points that I’d like to address them one by one,

1.) Din Djarin is used to being alone. Full stop. Like even with sweet girl helping out with the baby and agreeing to stay on the ship while he goes and grabs quarry, he’s gone for weeks sometimes. He is used to being by himself, to fending for himself, protecting himself, patching himself up, EVERYTHING by himself. He is the most independent self-sufficient driven bounty hunter Karga has on the payroll and he’s reliable, which is why Karga would give him four pucks at a time. Giving anyone else four pucks would mean that if they happened to die during their hunts, then more than one puck would be lost and that’s money down the drain. Din doesn’t die, he always comes back with all four bodies and he’s fucking quick about it. Him telling sweet girl “I thought this was gonna be alright” is apt, because he’s been able to exist without her and do good work while he knows she’s safe on the Crest. In fact, the only time he EVER didn’t do good work is when a) she was attacked on the Crest on Corellia, or b) when he desperately wanted to get back to her as quick as possible and he pushed himself too hard and put himself in danger (aka frozen on Hoth scene). And actually c) when he stole Grogu back from the empire and had Karga and the guild on his ass about it. Those were the only times Din had trouble doing his job. The only times he stopped looking and gave up. “I thought this was going to be alright, but I hate it” means that YES ABSOLUTELY DIN DJARIN DOES NOT LIKE STAYING PUT WHILE SHE LEAVES, even though he’s okay with going out and doing his job when she stays. Even though he’s still hunting, it’s like the roles have been reversed. She’s understanding his side, and he’s understanding her side. It’s been 4 days and he hates it, so imagine weeks or months of that. Not being able to move or chase after her either, just hanging out on the crest with Grogu and waiting to see if she’ll be able to make it back. Which

2.) makes it hurt just a lil more in that wonderful delicious angsty way when he actually asks if she wants this life. On Naboo, he didn’t know where she went or where the kid was—he didn’t know if they were in danger, if she was safe. He said he’d rip the galaxy apart to find her if she ever disappeared like that again. But... she’d be safe on Sanctuary II. This is different, and just like you said, he’s had multiple days where all he did was try to think like her. Get in her head, predict her. Understand her more than he’s ever attempted to do before, in a NECESSARY capacity, like he would a bounty he’s hunting. Din Djarin is used to being alone. He’s used to being silent and that’s how connections are severed before they can even be established. His only practice at empathy was through his job, a job that he is very very good at, but it was never enough to get him to stop looking. He would never be able to empathize enough to ask if the bounty wanted him to stop looking for them. Even with the baby, he turned him in at first and then let the guilt eat him alive before going back to save him. So, if you couple that with his true connection to sweet girl, the natural empathy he has for her and the kid (him immediately following her after he accidentally snapped at her on the Crest and apologizing) and Din is now TRULY beginning to understand her on a level he’s never experienced with another person

3.) BUT!!! Even though he “needed to ask” (meaning he understood enough to know that asking the question was necessary) he started out the entire conversation by admitting he doesn’t think he could do it. Before ever telling her what specifically he doesn’t think he could do, he already knows this about himself and says it flat out. I don’t think I could. Even if you asked me to, even if you said you’d be happier if I did, even if you told me right now that it’s what you wanted, I don’t think I could ever stop looking. And a lot of the turmoil he experiences is because of that. I make you sleep on the floor. I teach you to fight when you just want to look at waterfalls. I do all these things that you’d never willingly do yourself, and I’m a bad person BECAUSE I still want you to always be here with me in spite of all that.

4.) Meanwhile sweet girl just has no fucking clue all this is happening and it seems to come out of nowhere, all she knows is that he’s been in the city when he should’ve caught up to her days ago. She’s out experiencing things and meeting new people and yet she always comes back to Din and the baby and how much they should be here with her. She tries to come up with clever ways to outthink him but she also offers to give her coordinates to him practically every single night. Her wanting to be with him so bad but trying to hold out (“ask me again tomorrow”) while Din is also wanting to be with her so bad and also trying to hold out (“find her again tomorrow”) 🥺

So yeah basically in conclusion I love them together and they’re so different but they make each other somehow both stronger and softer in so many ways and yeah u mighta heard of DD/LG u kinky fucks but lemme present to u DD/SG

[in-tua-deep]

idk if you still do au ideas but what if delores was a real person in the apocalypse? how it woul dbe done i have no idea but i love all your aus and thought it would be cool

okay okay I don't tend to go for real!Dolores aus admittedly because I find her much more compelling as what she is: a reflection of five himself and a symptom of his crushing loneliness

but i started thinking about it and you know what?? i think five deserves a little socialization, as a treat

so say like, 0.5% of the population is resistant to abilities. Allison would really struggle to rumor them, Five wouldn't be able to jump with them, and, most importantly, whatever the fuck Vanya's ability does has like, reduced damage or something

and the og apocalypse isn't the moon apocalypse, so let's say that it was pure waves of Vanya's powers that fucked over the earth

so 0.5% of the population survives the apocalypse. though, let's be honestly, the real number is a lot smaller than that. People who might have survived Vanya's initial power wave (miraculously) did not survive buildings crushing them or survive the car/plane/bus/train/other transportation crashes or survive being left alone when they are too young to reliably look after themselves, or the variety of other problems that come with 99.5% of the population dying at once

So, Five arrives in the apocalypse and is met with ruin and fire and a whole lot of dead people. He finds his siblings, but it doesn't matter. They're dead. He doesn't even recognize them at first, these strange grown-ups who he identifies not by their faces but by the umbrellas on their wrists that match his own

As he realizes the full impact of his situation, he hears a voice that says, very succinctly, "holy shit!"

It's a girl a few years older than Five himself, maybe 15 or 16, and she is very excited to see another survivor.

And here's where I u-turn this au around bc i'm not all that interested in real!Dolores, but I would be down to talk about Five meeting survivors in the apocalypse, because if Dolores is real I don't buy no one else survived.

So Dolores shows up and see a Literal Child crying over the corpses of his family and assumes that Five is a fellow survivor, and she immediately grabs him up. Five is incoherent with grief at this point anyway, so he doesn't even protest when she basically hauls him away from the bodies. She's babbling at him, but he doesn't really hear anything she's saying

And then she takes him to her dad

(Why not, let's have the 1% potentially be a heritable thing)

and her dad, let's call him just some dad name. like Rick. it has been a fucking WEEK for him, okay. he had his daughter with him, his ex-wife is on the other coast for her work, and by some miracle he survived the apocalypse and so did his child, and he's been wracking his brains trying to figure out what the fuck to do next

and then his daughter shows up with a traumatized thirteen-year-old in tow

now rick is a good dude. he's a dad. they get out of five that his name is five ("what the fuck" dolores mouths to him over five's shoulder and rick can't help but agree) and the bodies he found were his siblings ("Dad and Ben and Vanya weren't there though," this child cries desperately and rick feels his own heart clench in response, "They might still be alive!")

"We can look for them." Rick assures his new adopted child, because he is an adult in a fresh apocalypse and this kid has presumably lost everything he's ever known (more than rick even knows at the time)

and they do. They each get wagons and they go out and find supplies and look for other survivors. Five is... surprisingly helpful and also surprisingly docile as he is able to rely on Someone Else to give orders while he attempts to (dissociate) process what the fuck has happened

and here's the thing: Five prides himself on being independent, sort of. He's independent for a child soldier, but he's used to taking orders from a male authority figure and Rick happens to be just that

The first time that Five does something dangerous and Rick yells is a revelation

(Rick isn't sure if he hopes that Five's dad is alive or not, because if they find that man alive then Rick might just kill the jackass himself. Also like, Five is bizarrely knowledgeable out survival skills, like way too knowledgeable about it, which is helpful for them but also very concerning)

they find a newspaper and Five finds the article that mentions his father's recent death ("Huh. Heart attack." Five says, and there is no emotion in his voice)

(Years later, years later, Five and Rick talk. "I don't think I wanted to find him, either." Five admits, softly because Dolores is asleep, "I think I was more scared of finding him alive than I was of finding his body. He would've been so mad at me, I think.")

this newspaper is how Rick and Dolores find out about Five being Number Five, Umbrella Academy Missing Person

"Dude, what the fuck." Dolores says, wide eyes, "You're like, thirty?"

"I'm thirteen." Five says, and then checks the date on the newspaper again, "Also I think I would technically be 29 if I lived through all of it, 'cause it's April and my birthday is in October."

"You... time travelled?" Rick asks, which is honestly the more relevant question, "Can you go back?"

And Five just,,, crumples on himself. Because he tried, he tried really hard. It didn't work. "I'm gonna figure it out. I'm gonna go back, I'm going to save them."

That, Rick thinks, is a lot of weight to put on one person's shoulders, but especially the shoulders of a child.

"Alright." Rick says, because what else can he say after finding out his new child has superpowers and is from like, 2004? "What do you need?"

("Oh my god I have so many memes to teach you." Dolores says later, reverently. Five blinks in confusion and Rick mentally prepares himself for the recitation of so many vines)

And it's easier, somehow. Five sometimes feels like it's a betrayal, but he settles into apocalypse life with an ease that surprises him.

He lets Rick fuss over him and help tie his scarf securely around his head every morning before he sets off on supply runs with Dolores. And they're kids! Five has never had a friend before, and Dolores is funny and smart and she's struggling just as much as he is.

"I don't know if my mom's alive." She says to him, in solidarity when he checks the face of every corpse to see if they're Vanya.

Five is practical in the way only a child soldier can be. He's economical with the room in their wagons, carefully examining what might and what might not be useful.

Dolores, on the other hand, constantly takes up space with what Five sees as useless shit.

"Excuse you," Dolores says, shoving a game of monopoly, the entire discworld series, and a pack of glitter gel pens into her wagon, "These are absolutely vital apocalypse supplies."

She challenges him, plays with him in a way no one ever has. "I bet you I can find more batteries today than you can," She grins at him, "Winner gets to pick dinner first?"

"You're on." Five says, directly before Dolores pulls two packs of 24 AA batteries from behind her back, like a cheat.

Dolores makes him take a ten minute break when they find a playground that has been mostly not-destroyed. They rummage around kids backpacks and mother's handbags for some good loot, too numb to corpses to even be bothered all that badly about the corpses they belong to.

"I'm getting on the swings." Dolores says when Five starts making noises about moving on, "I haven't been on a swingset in ages."

"What's the point?" Five grumps.

"Don't be sour because you can't swing as high as I can!" Dolores laughs, getting higher and higher as the swings creak ominously.

Five grumpily gets into the other swing and grudgingly kicks himself back and forth until Dolores takes pity on him and teaches him how to properly move his legs and body to get higher and higher.

Dolores jumps from the swing seat and lands with a flourish and smile. Five jumps out of his seat and then jumps, warping right in front of Dolores and making her yell and hit at him in outrage. Five smiles the widest he has all week.

This is how Five grows up in the apocalypse, with Dolores teasing him into taking breaks and leaning over his shoulder to look at his math and scandalizing him by stating that she'd only just started on matrices in her own high school math class.

Every night they huddle around Rick while he picks up whatever book Dolores picked out that day because it is a travesty that Five has never read hunger games or whatever, and then they read together because it would be a genuine blood bath if they all took turns. The first time Five accidentally mentioned a spoiler and Dolores genuinely considered murder was the birthday of this tradition

Some days the air is too smoky or there are dust storms or it's just plain too dangerous to go out, and they all stay in. Dolores regales Five with stories about public school, and Five tells them about his siblings.

Then they all cry

"I shouldn't be crying." Five sobs.

"Shut the fuck up," Dolores sobs back, "You literally watched me lose my shit over remembering my shitty eighth grade dance and listened to me sob-sing toxic for like four hours."

"In fairness I also wished you would shut up then."

"Let me hug you or I will start singing songs that I only remember the chorus for again you absolute fucker."

"I could always sing some -"

"No, Rick/Dad."

And Five grows up. Rick shows him how to shave very carefully in front of cracked mirrors. Dolores teases him every time his voice cracks. Rick tells Five in no uncertain terms that he loves and cares for him, and that Reginald was a little bitch. There are a lot of heartfelt conversations around that, honestly. Rick telling Five that he and the siblings deserved better, that they were children and deserved to have a childhood.

And that he has faith in Five. Rick and Dolores both do, they bring him back paper and pens and pencils and chalk and anything Five can use to write equations. They poke around any libraries for books on theoretical mathematics and quantum physics. Rick and Dolores go out scouting for food while Five stays home and can work longer.

They also make him take breaks, make sure that he's looking after himself.

They're a little better off than OG!Five when it comes to food, because some animals survive. Enough that Rick figures out how to hunt. Five is the first one to each bugs, and even though Dolores makes faces they all start eating bugs as well.

"Pretty sure there's loads of cultures that eat bugs." Rick says grudgingly, wondering if he should try stirfry the cockroaches and if that would improve the taste. "There's even, uh, cricket flour or whatever, right?"

"Plus you eat like, five spiders a year when you're asleep." Dolores says cheerfully, just to watch her dad's face scrunch up in displeasure.

"That doesn't sound true, but I don't know enough about spiders to dispute it." Five mutters, and Dolores gives him such a proud look that it makes him roll his eyes.

They're in their thirties when Rick dies. He's out foraging and hunting, and the rubble he's standing on gives way and he ends up with a gash in his leg. He manages to stop the bleeding, but the world is filthy and they don't have any antibiotics.

He gets an infection.

"It's okay." He tells both of his kids, "It's okay. I'm just so glad that you guys have each other, y'hear? I'm so glad."

"It's not okay." Five says, voice thick and choked, "It's not."

"Yeah, well, you're going to figure out how to go back, right? Go back in time and save everyone. Then I'll have never died, right?" Rick smiles, "And even if you don't, I'll be waiting for you on the other side and we'll see each other again anyway."

"I'm going to fix it."

"I know. I have faith in you, Five." Ricks says honestly, and that's more than Reginald ever said.

They sit quietly together while Dolores is out scavenging. They've been taking turns sitting with Rick.

"I won't remember you, in the past, will I?" Rick says rhetorically, but Five answers anyway.

"I don't think so."

Rick hums, "Well, doesn't matter. If you need help in the past, you come to me, y'hear?"

"You won't remember me."

"Doesn't matter. You come find me, and you tell me your crazy story until I believe you, and then I'll help you." Rick says firmly, "You're family. You're my son. Timelines? Don't matter. If you need help, with anything, even if it's just with - with filling out a bowling team or something -"

"I have never been bowling in my life and you know it." Five interrupts, but it makes him laugh just a little bit which was clearly Rick's intention.

"Well who knows what you'll get up to in the past! You'll be able to go bowling, you know. Get to wear those uncomfortable shoes. Hey, you go far enough back maybe you can go to Dolores's tenth birthday party and put me out of my misery."

"Was she bad at bowling?"

"Oh, she was wiping the floor with me. No contest."

"Honestly, that sounds absolutely accurate."

"Shut up, bowling just wasn't my sport. Regardless, the point was that I'm giving you a free pass to come and get me. Because I know you, I know how you think." Rick brings up his hand to tap his finger against Five's forehead, "You get it into your head that you need to go it alone, take it all on your shoulders. I'm telling you that if you do that I'll somehow manifest my memories and come smack you over the head for being stupid, you hear?"

"I'm not dragging you into anything." Five says firmly, "I'll have my siblings."

"Who were also children." Rick points out. "And dragging? Dragging is such a strong word for a volunteer."

"A volunteer who won't remember volunteering." Five shoots back.

Rick just shrugs, and then winces when the movement jolts his bad leg. "Five, I'm going to be honest with you here. And sappy. Can you handle a bit of sappiness for a minute?"

"No."

"Well too bad. Can't leave a dying man, you'd feel too bad. So you're stuck with me. But you listen good, okay? Because you aren't dragging me into anything. Whatever life you have, I want to have a part of that. Because you're my son. Wherever you are, whatever you do, I want to help because you're family. What you'd be doing by leaving me out of it is depriving me of someone I love, depriving me of knowing one of the best kids I've ever known."

"Shut up." Five says, choked.

"Nope, it's sappy time." Rick states, "Maybe asking you to come find me is selfish, but I don't care. No matter what version of me exists, I want to be in your life."

"My life is a walking joke, why would you want any part of that?"

"It has been my privilege to watch you grow up. To help you. To be here for you. Of course I'd want to be there to watch you grow up the rest of the way."

"But -"

"Shut up, just let me tell you that I am so proud of you. You never give up, and your heart is so big. You love so much and so loudly, and it's been the highest honor of my life to be included in your family."

Five pauses for a moment to collect himself before simply saying - "You're the best dad I've ever had."

Rick snorts, "Considering my competition, I'd sure hope so. That bar was so low old Reggie was practically limbo dancing with the devil. Now get over here and give an old man a hug."

They don't bury Rick, when he dies. They don't have time and the ground is too hard and they don't have the heart to move him. Instead the pack everything up and seal him in the shelter they'd lived in.

Dolores pulls out a bottle of ancient nail polish and painstakingly writes Rick's name on the wall with his birth year and an approximate current year. They aren't 100% sure though, since time blends together out in the apocalypse, but it's something.

They continue by themselves. They get older.

Dolores jokingly calls him her husband because the way his face scrunches up makes her cackle. They see other people very occasionally, usually passing through. Usually groups. Dolores and Five get to flex their hosting skills, though more than one group declines their cockroach stirfry.

("It's a family recipe." Five says with amusement in his eyes that usually manages to drown out old grief.)

"Jeeze, that kid couldn't have been older'n twenty-three." Dolores complains, "Makes me feels positively ancient."

"They wouldn't have known any world 'cept for the apocalypse." Five muses, pouring some boiled water into wine glasses because they might be living in the apocalypse but they can be fancy.

"Do you ever think about that?" Dolores asks, turning to him with no judgement, just curiosity. "When you go back, you'll be like, erasing them from existence."

Five shrugs, "Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe this place will just split off into an alternate timeline."

"Maybe none of this is real." Dolores says, amusement coloring her voice. "Maybe you aren't talking to a real person at all. Maybe this is just a symbol of your insanity and cracked mind."

"Dolores, I literally have a scar where you stabbed me. Did I somehow manage to stab myself in the back?"

"Scraped you, I scraped you. By accident."

"So you maintain." Five says haughtily, swirling his water in his wine glass like a pretentious prick.

"I could totally be fake. You don't know my life."

"I know way too much about you, Dolores. Like, way way too much." Five scoffs, because Dolores and him have literally no secrets from one another at this point. Five even knows the truth behind what happened at Janet Scranton's thirteenth birthday party. Like, he said, way too much.

"Maybe you made it up. Maybe that's why you know so much."

"Dolores, I'm going to be honest with you right now." Five presses the tips of his fingers to his chin, "If you were a figment of my imagination, you would be so much better at math."

"Hey!" Dolores squawks indignantly, "I didn't even get to finish high school you pretentious prick!"

"Neither did I!"

"You didn't even go to high school, you brat."

"I'm fifty-two I think I've outgrown 'brat.'"

"Tell that to your attitude." Dolores says haughtily, "You're still younger than me."

"Won't be when I go back in time." Five says cheerfully, completely ignoring Dolores's venomous look.

"That's cheating."

"Sucks to suck." Five says loftily, taking another sip of his water.

Sometimes they talk about The Plan, with capital letters. What Five is going to do when he goes back in time, depending on when he pops out. Is he going to adopt his siblings? What about Reginald?

"You don't think I could kill Reginald?" Five says, holding a hand to his chest in mock offense.

"I think you should let me do it. I'll even give you control of tonight's music if you do."

"What are you doing to do? Bite his ankles? What if you're like, seven or something?"

"All the better to get away with it since I'll be too young to convict or whatever."

"Pretty sure that's not how the law works."

"How would you know? Just for that I'm playing Istanbul on repeat again."

"I don't know why you think that's a threat. That song slaps."

It takes a few more years before Five is close enough that the Commission comes to interfere. Because that's what I think happened - Five was getting too close and they stepped in because they might as well distract the man as much as they can with missions, right?

So the Handler shows up. And she offers Five a job, telling him that they have the ability to travel through time. And Five - hesitates.

"Give me some time?" Five asks, and the Handler graciously gives him 24 hours.

And he and Dolores talk it over, because now that his goal is more in sight than it has ever been and Five is scared.

"What are you waiting for? You have the chance to see your siblings again." Dolores says patiently.

"Yeah," Five says, and what he doesn't say is clear. But I won't see you.

"Five." Dolores says, and she cradles his face between her palms like he is something precious, "I have had so much time with you already. More than I would have ever. We have been so lucky, to have this time. How can I demand more than what we have already been given?"

"When have you ever not demanded the world, Dolores?" Five asks, his own hand coming up to cover Dolores's own.

"We've had decades together, Five. We're getting old. I was always going to lose you, one way or another. Nothing lasts forever."

"I don't want to lose you."

"I know. But if I had to choose a way, if I could decide where our story ends, this would be it. Letting you go, because this way you get to live. You get to see your family again. You get to save the world. I could ask for nothing more than for you to get your happy ending."

Five removes Dolores's hand from his cheek so that he can cradle it between them, "I'm happy here with you. I've never been happier. Isn't that silly? That I was happier in the apocalypse?"

"I bet killing Reggie would make you happy." Dolores laughs rustily.

"One day you're going to see the mysterious disappearance of a famous billionaire in the paper and feel a twinge of satisfaction and now have a clue why." Five laughs as well, shaking his head.

Dolores pats Five's hands, "Five, look at me. We've had our time. And you're going to give me even more of it. More time with my father. More time with my mother. I'll never know it, but you'll have saved me."

"What if this is - what if this is an alternate reality? What if I leave you here alone?"

"Then you'll be saving a 15-year-old girl from the same fate as me. Because as much as I love you, as much as I have loved this time we have had together, this is still an apocalypse. This should never have happened, and if you have a chance to go back and prevent it, then I want you to take that chance with both hands."

"Even if it means leaving you alone?"

Dolores smiles at him, "I'm not going to be alone. Far too many creepy crawlies in the apocalypse for that."

"Shut up, I'm being serious."

"Hmm." Dolores hums consideringly, "Maybe I'll head North, to that new settlement that last group said they'd heard word of. Sure they'd find some use for an old woman who's survived this long in the wilderness."

"You can have my half of the record collection." Five says, pulling her against him into a hug that she easily returns.

"As if I wouldn't have stolen them as soon as you left." She scoffs, but it's a little wet, and Five pretends his own eyes aren't leaking tears.

When The Handler comes back, Dolores gives him another hug. She also slips something into his pocket - some photos. They'd taken it a year into the apocalypse, when Dolores had found an ancient looking polaroid camera and towed it home despite Five's protests about practicality. The photos are worn and faded at the edges, but the smiles on Five's little apocalypse family's faces are undeniable.

"You'll have to see if they magically fade when you change the timeline." Dolores whispers to him with a grin, "Like in the movies."

"Okay." Five whispers back.

"You have the list of movies to watch, right?" Dolores says. Five rolls his eyes and nods because he wrote the list last night into his Vanya-book while Dolores hovered over his shoulder and critiqued his handwriting.

"And you promise to try a proper non-expired twinkie at some point?"

"That I do not promise. I think even looking at one would make me lose my lunch. I have twinkie-trauma."

"Shut up and get going." Dolores says, because the Handler is starting to tap her foot impatiently.

And off Five goes to become an assassin. Though - he's much more gentle this time. He's careful, he doesn't kill children and he usually takes jobs that don't require killing at all. He distracts and manipulates events as much as he can without killing.

He's actually much more well socialized, thanks to Rick and Dolores. Less feral child and more determined man on a mission.

Which is why he's so frustrated when he finally, finally manages to get the equations to work and falls through and falls - directly back into his stupid thirteen-year-old body.

"Shit." Five says, loudly, and revels in the surprised look on his siblings faces.

He strides into the kitchen, and they all follow him like ducklings. They look exactly the way they did when they died.

"Wow this is actually way harder than I thought it would be." Five muses, looking at their dead faces. But as Dolores would say, life is hard but you have to keep on trucking sometimes. "Whatever, what's the date?"

"Five, where have you been?" Diego demands, looking irritated. It makes Five snort in amusement.

"The future. The past. If you want like, an exact list of dates you'll have to hold your horses. I spent like, two weeks in Peru once. No souvenirs though, unfortunately."

They look taken aback, like they didn't expect Five to have quite this much sass. Oops. That is definitely Dolores's influence. Or maybe he was always a little asshole. In fairness, what teenagers aren't tiny assholes? He has an excuse.

"What the fuck does that mean?" Diego's eyebrows are furrowed in anger. It kind of takes Five aback for a second, because he remembers a Diego who stutters when he argued.

"When did you learn the fuck-word?" Five asks, raising an eyebrow before her can help it, "Grace ought to wash your mouth out with soap."

Diego immediately goes red, "Shut up!"

"Wow you're so easy to rile up. Aren't you like, twenty-something? Actually, I could figure out for myself how old you are if you gave me the date."

"I'm twenty-nine." Diego growls, like that was the point.

"Haunting!" Five says cheerfully, because that means there is way less time than he would like, narrowing his time down to a six month window.

It's extremely funny how his cheer makes all of them make faces.

It's Klaus who leans forward, "Why do you need to know?"

Klaus's face is open and curious and - (looks exactly like he did when Five found him all those years ago) - and Five can't help but answer him. "The world end on April 1st, 2019. No it isn't an April Fools joke, yes I have heard that joke like a million different times. I just want to know how close I landed so I can, you know, start working on how to fix that."

"Woah woah woah, roll it back." Allison says, holding a hand up, "What?"

"The apocalypse occurs on April 1st, 2019." Five says, slowly. "I have traveled from afar to prevent this from happening, because like, everyone dies."

"Everyone?" Vanya says weakly from the side.

She's clearly expecting to be ignored, so Five turns his head to address her directly by wiggling his hand back and forth a little. "Sort of. Like, not too many people survive at all. A handful of the human population, you know."

"But you survived?" Diego recovers admirably, if bitingly.

"Well, no." Five says rolling his eyes, "Wouldn't you just know it, Klaus here has managed to figure out a new ability!"

Everyone turns to look at Klaus, who immediately holds up his hands like he's being arrested or something, "I did not!"

"Wonderful! Now that we've established that I'm alive -"

"Why should we trust a word you say?" Luther says for the first time, looking pensive.

Five blinks, genuinely taken aback. "Because... I'm your brother? Because I can clearly and obviously time travel? Like, yeah, it would have been more convenient if I'd arrived in like, my old-body for proof-purposes, but like. I mean. Thirteen is still a pretty convincing age to be to prove time travel considering if I hadn't, I would be like, almost thirty."

"Roll it back again." Allison says firmly, "What do you mean by 'old body'?"

"Great question!" Five says pointing at Allison and smiling. Everyone looks at him weird again, and Five takes a moment to wonder if they've ever experienced positive reinforcement. Knowing Reginald, probably not. "Wait! Is Reggie alive? Wait, no, answer that in a second. Uh. When I time traveled I fucked up my body I guess, I was like, old. White hair and wrinkles-type old from spending decades in the apocalypse. But I fucked up the calculations and got booted back to my thirteen-year-old body, I guess. How, I have no idea."

"What?" Vanya says, still equally weakly.

"You have no idea how fucked up time travel is." Five whispers conspiratorially to Vanya, loud enough for the whole table to hear, "There are so many ways to die. Or permanently tear a hold in space time. But like, with life as we know if ending soon-ish, I figured I couldn't possibly fuck it up worse than it already was, y'know? Speaking of, anyone have the date again?"

"Wait, what was that about dad?" Luther asks, very focused.

"Oh, you still call him dad? Big oof." Five says automatically, because apparently his verbal filter is shot to hell after living with Dolores. It does make Klaus bark out a too-loud laugh.

"What does that mean?" Luther asks aggressively.

"It means Reginald sucks and doesn't deserve the title of 'dad,' what did you think I meant?" Five asks, and now both Diego and Vanya and both cracking smiles, though Vanya is covering hers with a hand.

"Have some respect for the dead." Luther growls, standing up and looking very large and threatening.

Five sways back, craning his head up, "Woah there big buy, sit down before I injure my poor growing spine looking up at you. Jeeze, did Reggie force feed you steroids or something? I wouldn't put it past him but like, I just want to know he at least went over the side effects of the drug with you. Also like, thanks for narrowing it down. Also terrifying! Seriously though, exact date please because if I have less than 24 hours I am going to break down crying and that is a threat."

"I love this Five." Klaus says reverently.

"March 21st." Vanya offers, finally.

"Wow! Terrifying!" Five says, clapping his hands together, "Hate that. Ten days, huh? Well, who wants to get on board the save-the-world express?"

Klaus immediately flings his hand in the air, Five points at his brother appreciatively. "Yes, excellent! I'll take the volunteer in the lovely skirt as my first team member. Any other volunteers?"

"Danke!" Klaus simpers, grinning widely like this is the vest entertainment he's had in weeks.

"I'm not just going to stand here and listen to you badmouth dad and boss us around." Luther slams his hands on the table.

"Well not with that attitude." Five snarks.

Diego raises his hand, "I would like to join team fuck dad as well."

"We can certainly debate team names later." Five says, nodding wisely as Luther gives some sort of scandalized gasp.

"Honestly, I just want to see where this is going." Klaus confesses.

Five shrugs, because he doesn't really care about the reason. "Don't you want to prove me wrong them? Prove what a well-adjusted young man Reginald Hargreeves raised?"

"Shut up." Luther grinds out, looking a moment away from throwing a punch.

"If this is all true, I have to get home." Allison cuts in, looking concerned, "I have - I have a daughter."

"I mean, if you want to give Claire a world to live in then I'd stick around, but that's just me." Five shrugs.

"You know her name?" Allison asks, obviously taken aback.

Five is almost offended, "Uh, yeah. I have her photo as well. Y'all get on like, a bizarre number of gossip magazine covers did you know that?"

Allison manages to outdo herself in terms of being taken aback once more.

There's a beat of silence, and then Five turns, "Vanya? You in?"

"Me?" Vanya blinks, looking shocked. "What can I do?"

"Yeah, what can she do?" Diego asks, crossing his arms and suddenly looking grumpy.

It baffles Five, who scrunches his nose, "Uh, like, a lot? I assume? I mean. I'm going to be honest here, just looking at y'all right now is a lot. In more ways than one! Hashtag trauma and all that, but like, name a single one of you that wouldn't be the most obvious person in the room as soon as you walked into it. Except Vanya, who somehow manages to look like a well adjusted adult, by some miracle."

"Did you just verbally say the word hashtag?" Allison asks, looking so deeply confused.

"More concerned about the trauma he tacked onto there, but y'know, to each their own." Klaus immediately cuts in.

"You think I'm well-adjusted?" Vanya asks, looking oddly touched.

"I would like to direct your attention to Diego's leather pants-scowl combo and Luther's general aura of daddy-issues." Five says pointedly, "I can practically smell the tragic comic book backstory in this room. If I'd jumped back a decade earlier this would have been Batman's wet dream of orphan selection."

"Alright! Game plan!" Five says, waving Diego's knife in his hand.

Diego's hands immediately go to his weird harness looking thing, "Hey!"

"Give me just one moment to get the tracker out." Five rolls his eyes, "Then I'll give it back, I promise. Also if someone could ask Grace for like, some antibiotics that would be good."

"What?" Allison asks, directly before Five stabs himself and there is suddenly panic at the table.

"Relax!" Five says, allowing Diego to remove the knife from his hands. He doesn't need it anyway and his hand immediately drops down to root in the wound.

"Five what the fuck!" Diego yells, but Five just pulls up bloody fingers and waves the tracker into Diego's stupefied face.

"What the fuck is that, Five?" Allison demands, looking very shaken.

"I literally just said it was a tracker." Five points out, "Now, I think our first team activity should be voting on whether we destroy it or take it out to bumfuck nowhere and ditch it to confuse the Commission."

"What the fuck is the Commission?" Diego barks.

"Man. Maybe I should just hit up Rick." Five muses, "This is going to take so much explaining."

"Who is Rick."

"So much explaining."

[pumpkinpaix]

this is gonna sound so harsh but im legit tired of chinese diaspora people who think that bc they are of chinese descent and they have pleco they can act like voices of authority in the fandom. if modao is the 1st chinese book you have read pieces of with a dictionary, if you have never interacted with the actual chinese fandom, you are not part of the intended audience and your biased opinion is not the One And Only Valid Truth 🍵

strongly agree | agree | neutral | disagree | strongly disagree | this is really hard for me to express in terms of an agree/disagree axis lol

genuinely cannot tell if you’re trying to shade me here anon lmao 😂

this got long and rambly (of course) asldkjfslj. i would love to make the excuse that it’s bc i’ve got a migraine and had No Sleep but. let’s be real i’m always like this.

ok i’ll start with where i agree: i don’t think anyone has the right to act like an ultimate voice of authority in fandom. i think different people with different backgrounds have varying realms of expertise and they should be respected when they share that knowledge, but that the instant someone starts to use that kind of power as a weapon against people they personally don’t like, i think they forfeit that privilege. no one has the one and only valid truth about a piece of media because that’s fundamentally impossible. i have definitely interacted with diaspo who behave like their heritage gives them some kind of incontrovertible authority over everyone else, and they’re fucking insufferable and often rather cruel, even/especially towards other diaspo. meet me in the denny’s parking lot and fight me for real. i’ll kick ur ass. >:c

however, I also think it’s true that there’s a lot of dismissal of heritage fans in this fandom, if that makes sense, from both sides of the equation: non-Chinese fans ignore our cultural hangups because they’re inconvenient, and non-diaspora disdain us for being not Chinese enough. that puts a lot of us in a position of feeling disrespected just for being who we are, or having our very real knowledge and unique experience as individuals devalued because of it.

regardless of my identity, I have formally studied a lot of things: literary translation, media analysis, the politics of oppression, film critique, religious studies, philosophy, four foreign languages etc. and that is all knowledge that I had to work for, and work hard for. I do have a certain measure of authority on all of these subjects over a layperson (to varying degrees), and there are going to be times when i will be more correct than someone who disagrees with me -- but I’ve also absolutely experienced people talking over that specialized knowledge because of who I am, which is, to be clear. extremely infuriating and hurtful. like, i have cried so much about it in the last 18 months. people see my racial and cultural identity before they see anything else, which is understandable to a degree, but upsetting when it becomes the basis for how my work is judged, whether positive or negative. i don’t want you to trust me blindly because i’m abc. I want to you to trust me because you have examined my work critically and judged it to be trustworthy!

so i guess this is getting into the strongly disagree part of the answer: i’ve been speaking a lot with other diaspora fans lately, and it’s been simultaneously hugely relieving and also really saddening. relieving because oh thank god someone else Gets It, and saddening because pretty much all of us, no matter what kind of diaspo we are (north american, european, SEA, taiwanese etc), we’ve all experienced a lot of pressure in this fandom, from non-Chinese, Chinese, and other diaspora fans alike. we’re all acutely aware that we are not modao’s intended audience because being diaspora vs being “from the mainland” or whatever, are actually quite different things, but modao still feels close to home. even if it was not written FOR us it is still familiar to us.

and, because so many of us are multilingual and multicultural, we end up being the bridge between the “actual” chinese fandom and the english-speaking fandom, which is largely made up of non-chinese. (sidenote: I hate it when people say things about being “actually” any identity because it’s almost always for the exact reason you brought up: to use heritage as street cred. it’s like damn, being “actually” chinese doesn’t make ur opinions any less rank. sure you might be “actually” chinese, but do you have basic reading comprehension and literary criticism skills? no? ok then sit your ass back down) many of us are most comfortable in english! so we produce our content in english! but we also DO often have a somewhat privileged access to the culture that underlies mdzs and can explain it in a language that other non-Chinese fans can understand. so it’s not surprising that people flock to us for answers to their cultural questions. and like. if we think we know the answer, it’s natural for us to try and help. this is fandom! we’re here to have fun and find community! and it is definitely a little bit nice to have my culture treated as something desirable for once instead of just like. a weird exotic curiosity that no one really cares too deeply about. and, since a lot of us are able to do things that non-Chinese fans can’t (research in chinese, for example. ask family members for help and more information etc.) we end up just having more information to share.

I think this sometimes results in a tendency for fandom at large to put heritage/diaspo fans on pedestals and tout them as authorities (or use our conflicting viewpoints as ammunition in fandom drama) when the diaspo in question have repeatedly stated that they should not be taken as authorities on something -- and then, once you reach critical mass, your reputation starts to precede you, and I think there’s a lot of misconceptions of how a lot of diaspo act in this fandom simply because of that phenomenon. most of us know that we’re not ultimate arbiters of some kind of cultural gateway, and it can be very tiring both to be treated as such when we insist we are not, and then punished by other people who assume that we acted like we were.

i don’t think there’s a benefit in trying to keep en fandom and cn fandom totally separate, and I also think it’s unfair to consider the cn fandom the “real” fandom. i think that way lies deeper misunderstandings, gatekeeping, etc. i think we can definitely acknowledge the differences between them, but i think trying to make meaningful connections between fandom circles is really valuable! i don’t think i’ve ever made it a secret that modao is my first cmedia fandom? so it’s also the first time i’ve had reason to interact with chinese fandom, which has been super enlightening and interesting! i’ve made some super cool friends and learned a lot about how fandom works in china, how it’s similar and how it differs from the fandom i’m familiar with.

and then, kind of circling back around, there’s also a bit of a sense like, okay, so if diaspo don’t belong in the CN fandom, but we can’t talk about our own culture with some degree of confidence in EN fandom, then like..... where do we go...? if we see EN fandom doing something that contradicts our cultural knowledge, do we just. not say anything? do we not count unless we’ve already ingratiated ourselves to CN fandom? that’s probably where the core of my strong disagreement comes from, because criticism of diaspora fans as like, acting above their station so to speak, feels just like a tired continuation of the same shit we’ve had to deal with for our whole lives, being told we’re not good enough for anywhere and that we should just be quiet and keep our heads down and get over it. that our opinions, despite coming from a unique perspective with a unique relationship to the subject in question, are less valid or real than “actual” chinese people, you know? and sometimes i see that and im like lmfao just sneer at me for being jook-sing and leave then if you’re so eager to think of me as lesser.

so yeah, basically im of a few minds: true! diaspora fans don’t get to throw their weight around just because they’re diaspo. they don’t get carte blanche to act like bullies or try to shape the fandom to their own personal liking and crusade against people who disagree with them. they don’t get to pretend their heritage makes them superior to everyone else, and i think western diaspora especially need to be careful when asserting any kind of moral lens over the text to acknowledge that we have our own biases to interrogate. i am not immune.meme etc. on the other hand, this vein of criticism tends to put all diaspo in a bit of a double-bind, and also, however unintentionally, plays into the general, continuous trend of dismissing diaspora for being diaspora, and i’m really not about that. i don’t think that’s the motivation behind opinions like this, but i do think that when the basis for the argument hinges on the idea that diaspora are not “real” chinese, no matter how much I too have beef with certain diaspora fans, the argument needs to be revisited. 

(ko-fi)

🍵 ((un)popular) opinions meme

[ofmythsandmadness]

to be called beautiful | d.h.

❛ do you ever miss, having someone around to love you?❜

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

SUMMARY: vigilantes!au. you push the boundaries of your relationship, and ask for a wish you know won't be given back. (or — it's late, and after another night of patrol, loneliness sets in deep.) WARNINGS: slightly nsfw??? mentions to sex, no descriptions. it's not a sexual story, just a part of an inner monologue. WORD COUNT: 2.6k+ NOTES: reposting this in hopes it shows up this time (pls pls pls i'm gonna cry). i've been writing a whole other series that is a totally different writing style, but i've been trying to work out my emotions in small, focused pieces like this one when i can't focus. i might develop this into a small ficlit series of it's own, bc i think it's kinda fun — but we'll see how this goes.

THE BEAST THAT IS YOUR LONELINESS has been your burden for too long to say.

It's hold on you is a familiar ache, one you've felt for years, like a chronic tight tugging on your heart that refuses to give in no matter what you try. But you still refuse to name it for fear of coming to terms with the implications of it all. That you're really alone in this life and you're terrified of what that means and the fact that you can't have what your childhood stories promised would be yours.

Like the fool you are, you cling to the idea that it's just passing notions. You'll get over it one day. The flitting daydreams of a fairytale romance better fit for a vanilla Hallmark flick suck, but one day they won't hurt so bad. You'll numb and find a way to fill the void. And you try, you really do, pushing it down for the quick release of meaningless acts and walks of shames and cold bedsheets.

Sex is a toxic friend. You choose it's pull when your heart aches most and the loneliness begs for your breath to the point where every gasp of air is a privilege, not the bare minimum. It's not what you crave. There's no romance, no love. It's a trade and one that always leaves you feeling robbed of something you're not sure you ever even had.

You rarely remember their names. You know they probably won't remember yours. And why would they? The shudders, the whimpers, the cold moans that amount to nothing but crumbs of a supposedly passionate act only pass an hour, then they're gone. Or you're gone, if you're lonely enough to risk it. A bit of fun, a breath of pink and white and the feeling of someone pulling you closer, begging for your skin against theirs.

And then, it's all grey again. And you're alone at your apartment, washing your body free of the marks some stranger dared to press into your wilting skin, wondering what it would feel like for a lover to kiss you that same way. Running your fingers over every inch that has been caressed by so many faceless guests, trying to hold yourself in the way your foolish heart pounds for. But it's never enough. Your hands don't cup your flesh, don't mould and kiss and promise the carefully knitted lies any lover had dealt you in the past. And you're as cold as ever when they fall back to your sides. Nothing enflames your skin like you wishes it could — like those you wish would.

It's a discontent you live with. Just as you're sure millions of others do. That's what life is; you push yourself through the day, through your mundane day job and your taxing nighttime hobbies (because you sure as hell can't claim what you do as real work if your only pay is in blood and tears). You cling to the good times that happened too long ago to remember clearly, and make the moments that you're alone with your thoughts as small as possible.

But there's no time to consider all that now.

You scrunch your face up as tight as you can, squeezing your eyes shut to the point where you see stars, exploding like confetti in some absurd black void that hides behind your lids. For a moment you hold the pose, watching the stars erupt, until the position hurts too much and you have to release.

Surroundings blur and then clear as your eyes readjust from their disassociation. You stare blearily at the random coffee shop you and your 'associate' chose for the night. It's just as generic as the last five visited, a thousand shades of brown and red and weary smiles the bored baristas wear just for a cheap check that'll barely cover their asses. It's worn and empty; no one's hear except the two of you and the workers who probably hate you for being here so late.

Normally, you would feel like an asshole staying so late. But you can't bring yourself to move, or even suggest to. It's all too heavy. And even if it's in brooding silence, you don't want to leave your partner. Not yet, you beg the universe, just a few more minutes.

And, speaking of—

"What's got you so blue today?"

You blink. Look over to him, only to see him already watching you.

There's really no point lying. He always unravels you too quickly, too easily — it's the detective in him, unravelling anyone and scooping their truths from shivering flesh. Some sort of childhood trauma response he developed into another super power.

You used to hate it. Now...if you concentrate hard enough, his sharp gaze feels like one of a lover's.

"Don't know what you mean," you tell him, foolish and flustered. "I'm just fine."

"Bullshit. You've sighed a dozen times in the last five minutes."

"Tch. No I haven't."

"Did too!"

His teeth glint, white and clashing against the full pink of his lips. You wish you could denounce all the times you wondered what it would feel like to have them graze against your keening skin — but not even all the gods could cleanse of you of those thoughts. Those desperate, pleading, melancholic memories stain; he can't see them, but you do when you look close enough. And you can't escape it, much as you try.

"Seriously, though. What's up with you?"

Your gaze falls down to your hands, eager to escape his allure, though it's not a great distraction. It only makes you more bitter, really, taking in all the flaws that litter your weaponised limbs. They're calloused from a million fights. Your knuckles are scarred, aching from wounds you reopen every other night. A thousand scars from a thousand scrapes, cuts, slashes and grazes linger on once perfect skin. You don't know how many there are, anymore, only that you wish you could wipe them off. Start over, have a clean slate. Erase all your mistakes and be beautiful again.

"I'm just tired," you lie. It's tense and pitiful; you know you've screwed it up the second the words leave your lips. "S'all."

"Ri-i-ight, and I'm the goddamn queen of England."

The absurdity of his retort makes your lips twitch. It's not enough for a smile, your self-inflicted misery makes sure of that, but it's a seed of something. "Wow. Didn't know I was in the presence of royalty."

"Yeah, yeah. Shut it."

"My apologies, your highness."

"Shut up, you little shit," he grumbles, but it's as soft as you get from him. It's practically a cry of love — or your foolish mind paints it as such. You take his teasing insults as promises of adorations and his arguments are poems of lust and infatuation that tug on your heartstrings in ways you know they shouldn't.

You're partners, for crying out loud. Professional coworkers (if you call the bloody mess you two create work). You don't get to miss him, or crave him, or love him like you do.

"Something happen to you?"

You watch his own hands fold and unfold on the table. The long, delicate fingers stand out on a man like him; someone who paints himself in only sharp angles and cutting lines. But you think they match him well. They promise life. Bleed hope, even in the raised scars that lace his skin like your own. You've watched those fingers grip a blade, launch it into flesh, pull and push and dig and rip and take and committed acts of atrocity most people would run from. You know he probably thinks of his hands the same way you do. But you think they're beautiful.

"Nah. It's...it's nothing. Really."

You can't see his face, but you imagine his narrowed eyes and furrowed brows asking for an answer you're just not willing to give. "C'mon, just tell me. Can't be that bad."

Your body laughs. You hear it from some place far away. It's cold and hoarse; you wonder how long it's been since you've heard a genuine laugh from yourself. You wonder if he notices (and wishes he did, foolishly, frivolously...).

It's probably stupid, but you go for it.

"You ever miss having someone?"

Something creaks; his chair, groaning as he shifts his weight. One of his fingers taps against his empty coffee cup; idle music for a restless soul.

"Like, in what way?"

"I..." Your nails dig into your palms. This was a mistake, but one you have to follow through with. He won't accept silence after something like that. "In the cheesy, domestic sorta way? That whole, havin' someone to come home to, someone who you can talk to, someone who..." the words stick like molasses in the back of your throat. Try as you do, they refuse to give themselves to him, so you have to substitute. "Just, someone who likes you, past your body or, or whatever."

"Oh."

"Sorry." It's your turn to shift in your seat, awkwardly searching for something to occupy yourself with as this uncomfortable energy you've created carries on. But your cup's empty, and you don't have the cash to ask for another overpriced latte. "Forget about it. Let's talk about somethin' else, yeah?"

He doesn't answer that. In fact, he doesn't say anything at all for a moment, long enough to make you wonder if you've just crossed the line of no return. You can't bring yourself to look at him, hell your cowardice is painful enough to make you wonder if you should just make a run for it, say au revoir! to the bond you've built with this knife-obsessed robin hood and crush your heart forever.

It's tempting, and you consider it, but then he fills the silence.

"I miss Eudora sometimes."

Finally, your gaze tilts up. Your eyes meet his lips. He's not smiling anymore.

You guys don't talk about exes together. It's a forbidden topic, same as family or childhoods or the number of people that have cut you open and bled you dry for fun. It's too personal, and in this line of work, personal doesn't fly. But you know Eudora Patch, because this line of work requires a couple run ins with people like her, and because your partner in crime has never learned how to stop his emotions from bleeding into his expression.

"Not because I still love her, but y'know..." his fingers wave aimlessly. "It was nice, when it worked. I liked having someone to sleep with. In a non-sexual manner." His lip curls a little. "Guess the sex part was nice too, though."

You nod. "Yeah, I get that. It's...it was nice, having someone who knew you. Who wanted to make you feel good, not just for themselves but 'cause that sort of things matters."

"Mm."

"Y'ever consider pursuing that sort of thing?"

He shakes his head. His adamancy is a truck smashing into your heart — though you know you should have expected no less, it still hurts. "I can't. It never works, with people like us. Y'know?"

"Yeah. Makes sense." You want to say more. You probably should say more — but you doubt he wants to hear your woes about intimacy, and the pathetic ways you crave affection you probably don't deserve. "Yeah."

"Why?"

"Hm?"

His brows knot. "Why're you asking? Someone do somethin'?"

"What? No."

"Cause, like, if someone's hurt you, I'll—"

"I'm fine," you promise, and without thinking, you reach across the table to pat his hand. To reassure him like one would a lover. But just before your fingers meet his, the bitter reminder that he's not yours sets in and you draw back. Your hand falls a couple inches from his own. "And I can take care of myself, if I wasn't. Don't worry."

He chuckles mirthlessly. "Y'sure about that? You're still the dumbass that tripped over her own feet twice walking down an empty sidewalk, and—"

"—oh, you are such an asshole, why can't you just—"

"—so if you need someone to cut a bitch, I'm available."

You soften slightly. Try to smile, even if it's a false promise and probably hangs like a broken door on mismatched hinges. "I appreciate that. But I'm okay. Think I'm just tired, and a little lonely."

"What, I'm not good enough for you anymore?"

Bitterness seeps onto your tongue; it speaks before you can shut your lips around it. "You're fine as a partner against crime. But you're not anything otherwise, are you?" It feels like a taunt. You hadn't meant it to be — though, maybe you had.

If he takes your jeer poorly, though, it doesn't show on his face. He's still smiling and watching you, eyes simmering with a joke you wish you were in on.

"It doesn't matter though. Having someone's too complicated, 'specially for fools like us. Sometimes it's just..." you don't have a good answer. Not one he'd want to hear, anyways. "I just miss it sometimes. It'd be nice to have someone to talk to, or eat breakfast with in the mornings."

He nods slowly. "Yeah. Was nice, having another body around."

"Yeah. Ha. I," you stutter out a chuckle. Tug at your lip, nibbling at the cracked skin that comes with your long nights. "No one prepares you for how lonely adulthood is. Like, I'm half tempted to make friends with the takeout guys, just so I have a friend at all."

"We're friends."

"You know what I mean," you mumble, swallowing the bitter 'are we?' that almost makes its way off your tongue. "It was just nice when I had the time, to have a person around. Someone to like, hold hands with, or-or call me beautiful, sometimes. I-I can't remember the last time called me that, any..."

Fuck.

You hadn't meant for that last confession.

He wasn't supposed to hear that. It's too personal, too personal, too fucking personal for someone you don't even know.

Everything trembles; you're shaking like an avalanche, ready to sweep it all away under some snow drift. Never to be seen again. But you can't do that, there's no taking back the way your voice cracked as it reaches it's last word, and how your hand slips into a fist, ready to charge even though there's no punching your way out of this fumble.

You crack. Stumble out of your seat. Before he can talk you're moving, throwing a couple bills (too many for your poor wallet, you'll pay for that later) down and mumbling something about heading home. Your head's spinning and you just want to sit down again, pretend like this never happened and ask about some meaningless moment in a meaningless day that you wish could be yours and his, not just—

"—text me when you're goin' out again," you say, high and nervous. "I'll be around."

You turn.

"You don't have to leave."

"I got work tomorrow. Early."

"Thought you had the day off?"

Fuck, la deuxième acte. "Taking a shift for someone."

"Oh." He doesn't believe you. He would be a fool to. But he agrees anyways. "Okay."

"See ya, Kraken."

He doesn't answer you back. It's probably better that way.

BONUS

Many hours later, you're in bed, finally dozing off. You've rinsed off the filth of the night and resigned yourself to a barely adequate rest alone, too tired to consider what usually makes your mind race. It's been a long day; let future you contemplate all the ways you've screwed up.

Just as you're about to fall asleep, however, there's a small ping! that immediately wakes you up A notification sound reserved for only one person.

You groan but still roll over. Your heart may be a humiliated, burning mess, but it still beats for him, much as you've tried to stifle it.

kraken // 2:36 am. you available at 11p tomorrow?

kraken // 2:37 am. got word somethin going down at east docks, wanna check it out before it gets bad.

Relief is a sweet blessing. You exhale and smile into the darkness. He's still a professional, even if you seem unable to understand what that means.

you // 2:40 am. for sure. meet me at my place whenever and we can prep.

You leave it at that. Whatever he has to say after that, cannot be too important to waste your precious hours of sleep. So you roll over and shut your eyes and let yourself forget about the empty space that fills your place.

It's a decision you regret the next morning, when you wake up and realise what you missed.

kraken // 3:31 am. you ever get lonely for someone, feel free to let me know.

kraken // 3:32 am. might not make a great boyfriend, but i'll eat breakfast with you. so long as you're cooking.

A/N - I had a whole idea for two tired vigilantes (like what Diego does in season one, but partnered up) who both are really lonely and tired of life and all it's shit, and rely on each other more than they'll ever admit, and...I'll probably never write it, but this was a fun bit of that. two lonely emotionally deprived assholes who can't accept that maybe they can be loved and the person who wants to is right in front of them. :)

[jypbae7]

Could you do a breakdown natal chart for Kun from Wayv?

QIAN KUN - NATAL CHART

Kun was one the most requested I got which was a pleasant surprise!!❤️❤️

(Not claiming to be an expert this is just for fun please don’t take anything too seriously!) Hope this is helpful and that you enjoy it 🥰❤️

Personality: Capricorn Sun, Leo Rising, Taurus Moon, Capricorn Mercury, Capricorn Mars

Clearly a LOT of Earth sign placements but nicely broken up by the fire sign rising

Capricorn Sun has serious and long term plans for the kind of future they want for themselves and once they set out for it they seldom give up. Stubborn to a fault, but also consistent enough to actually persevere. They want the perfect job, reputation, partner, house, family, etc.

Leo rising is a bright, warm and outgoing personality. Lots of energy, creativity and flair. They enjoy having a strong core of friends that they feel understand and enhance their experience and effect on the world. Leo’s are known for being hardworking and as a fixed sign it offers a lot of consistency and determination. They are extremely devoted and loyal once they develop a bond and trust with someone. Though the passion can fizzle out quickly if they aren’t feeling the kind of attention and passion they want.

Taurus Moon is a very grounded person with more social charisma and approachability than Capricorns are known for. They also have a tendency to like bold styles, they have big dreams and goals and you’ll be surprised at how well they can attain them if they’re focused enough (Kun is a Capricorn Stellium so yes this boy KNOWS how to get shit done when it needs to be done) Taurus is also a fixed sign which along with the stubbornness everyone knows about also comes with patience and consistency making them really good leaders when added with their natural friendliness and perseverance

Capricorn Mercury indicates a strong preference for structure, somebody who tends to follow rules and feels uncomfortable breaking them. They tend to have authoritative energy and demeanor. Big ambitions and determination to succeed and excel in their chosen career. Spend more time thinking than they show with a generally very logical mind which can sometimes lead to a black & white perspective

Capricorn Mars - responsible, organized, secretly a thrill seeker, can come off as aloof or guarded when they are around new people or people who they really want to make a good impression on.

Relationships:

Non-Romantic Relationships: Capricorn Sun, Taurus Moon, Leo Rising, Capricorn Mercury, Capricorn Mars

Trustworthy and dependable - the “dad” of the friend group who everyone calls when they have something serious to deal with

Platonic love languages: acts of service and quality time - he loves spending time with people with shared interests especially music. Also loves going out to different places such as different trendy cafes, movie theaters, museums - you name it.

Likes other thrill seekers who push and motivate him to get out of his comfort zone

Sense of humor is a lot more childlike and playful than one would expect from his serious and strict side

Capricorn energy is NOT to be crossed or messed with. These are the ones who are calm af and calculated when angry - this is when you know you are screwed. When Capricorn is calm and collected while enraged, ohhh boy, do they figure out ways to hurt you in the smoothest and most effective ways without so much as lifting their finger. Spare yourself the trauma and DO NOT LIE to him no matter what.

Romantic relationships and preferences : Aquarius Venus, Capricorn Mars, Capricorn Juno, Aries Eros

Aquarius Venus is outgoing, friendly and charismatic. They are attracted to interesting and unique people who stand out of the crowd. They like bold and spontaneous gestures and they will do them back for their partner as well.

Aquarians also dislike overly clingy/needy partners which Capricorn also isn’t a fan of either. These signs are all about independence, individuality, personal expression and achievement. Meaning that while they do yearn for a partner (especially Capricorn placements) they want a partner who is self sufficient and independent with their own hobbies, careers, dreams, goals, etc.

Capricorn Juno implies they’ll be a tough to nail down for very long because Capricorn wants only the best of everything and they’re always busy trying to excel at things and scoping out their options. So you’ll have to prove your worth to them before they are willing to commit because once they do it’s for the long haul

Capricorn likes natural ethereal beauty while Aquarius likes the bold - my guess is healthy mix of both. Natural looking and soft featured with some bold/unique traits like bright/bold hair or fashion style, a bit of spice/sass here and there is another secret pleasure

Be prepared for endless serenades and songs made and sent to you like love letters - whether he’s singing or composing a warm ethereal instrumental for you, his whole heart is in it

Love languages (most to least) - words of affirmation, gift giving, physical touch and quality time

Words of affirmation makes him feel really wanted and needed, he’s also really really good at giving it out to people he loves so if he’s doing it one sidedly it would hurt him and make him feel insecure.

Gives either unbelievably beautiful luxe gifts or unique/fun gifts and loves to surprise his partner with them often especially after time apart

Capricorns HATE wasting time they are hyper aware of how many hours in a day and how much can be done in a day. So, if he’s spending a lot of time with you, you’re very very special and important to him and he prioritizes this time very highly

Star gazing dates, beach dates, camping trips - this man will go out of his way to make sure every date is an experience. He is PREPARED, he has an itinerary in his mind, he’s looked up the travel routes and picked the best one. When you go camping he will FLEX with his efficiency and ability to handle the labor heavy tasks. This man will purposely wait till you’re looking to start chopping wood (not that ANYONE is complaining), put the tent up and have it filled with blankets and pillows galore in 2.00034 seconds because he practiced in the dorm living room with the others like a drill routine. (Lucas taught him how to chop the wood & still look hot while doing it)

Is the MOST polite and endearing person to your family and friends. Goes above and beyond to be the perfect partner around your family and they are unable not to LOVE him. Is especially soft and doting of any children or elderly relatives. And none of it is phony at all, he doesn’t know anyway else to even think. Respect, manners, and family are extremely important to Earth signs. They’ll probably end up liking him more than you but honestly you can’t even blame them

(None of y’all ungrateful people better ever slack on Zaddy Kun’s visuals ever again!! If I don’t get to see his happy trail during 2021 I’m burning the SM building down once and for all)

18+ Preferences:

Aries Eros ooof - passionate, possessive and steamy. Pick their partners off instinct and energy - once they really like you they become infatuated and want to STAY that way. If it’s not the “I need you so fucking bad I’m gonna lose my mind” type of love they DON’T want it.

Leo Rising is a possessive as fuck placement thankfully when they get riled up or jealous they have the confidence not to get angry with you or insecure about it. BUT.... you‘ll still be awakening a whole new type of beast and quite frankly he will let you know that it’s all your fault as he holds you down and uses you like the stupid toy you are till you remember who you belong to

If he sees you doing anything even remotely domestic his Taurus Moon and Capricorn Juno will have his mind go from soft and warm thoughts to bending you over the kitchen counter and taking you right there without a care or second thought spared

Positions where he feels in in control are his favorite - he likes being on top of you, behind you and if he can pick you up and carry you while ramming into you best believe he will.

His favorite is position is missionary - likes to feel big and dominant he also wants to be able to see as much of you as possible and kissing you as much as possible from your lips to just about anywhere else he can reach. Will be staring at you 99% of the time with big smoldering eyes that don’t waver in the slightest. In fact if you give him eye contact back he’ll just be even more turned on

Now...this might be controversial but... Capricorn Mars usually suggests power play/dynamic kink - think rich powerful CEO who secretly fantasizes about being tied up and blindfolded. Not to say that is exclusively his main kink bc it’s definitely not, he is 100% mostly dom BUT with the right person he’d be more than willing and very excited to try it out - probably because they are always in control so it’s an adrenaline rush for them to relinquish it to someone else. Doesn’t necessarily mean an extreme level of being submissive even just simple restraints can feel very extreme for a bossy and in-control Capricorn

Aquarius Venus also likes breaking relationship “norms” and trying out new things. They are super fun and bright when happy so when he’s in love he’s in LOVE. Wants to sing about it 24/7 but is too stubborn to be clingy or needy. The type to smile during sex, especially when he’s on top of you or drunk. Don’t even get me started on drunk handsy Kun whining in your ear about how he just wants to sneak out of the party early.....bc I will genuinely never recover

Very vocal in the bedroom - gives his partner tons of praise. Completely loses his mind and is loud af when you kiss your way from his neck down to below the hips

Most of the time sex with him is more passionate than kinky, not lightening fast jack rabbit thrusts instead hard and deep rhythmic ones that make your whole body shake - Hungry makeout sessions, sneaky little hickeys where no one else will see, massages than turn into hours of love making, takes his time to hit deep and hard inside you, handfuls of your hair, gaspy whispers

When he is feeling more kinky it’s usually spur of the moment. In the car in the middle of a rainy night during a cancelled schedule or after an especially steamy date night where he decides to take you to a hotel afterwards

KING OF AFTER CARE (NOT up for debate) - cooks you an amazing meal afterwords or orders up a feast if he’s too spent to get up too, cuddled up in blankets watching a movie for the rest of the night afterwards.

[libraryofloveletters]

Could I request a fake dating with Hotch where you’re upset bc you’re nervous about going to a friends wedding bc you know your semi recent ex will be there so Hotch comes with you as your plus one. But obv you both like each other and you never acted on it before and get together for real at the end?

Cover For Me

Aaron Hotchner x Reader 

Warnings: fem!reader, cursing 

Category: fluff 

Word Count: 1.5k

Author’s Note: I wrote this at like 4am oops, hope you like it sweets! 

----

The pretty yellow envelope sat on your desk. You knew exactly what was in it, an invitation to your friend’s wedding. You didn’t want to go but she insisted on you being there. Your ex was going to be there and although you ended things on good terms, you weren't ready to see them just yet.

Everyone had left for the night, it was just you and Hotch at the office. He was headed out when you went to throw the envelope out. “Are you okay l/n? You were done with your work hours ago. Why are you still here?” he seemed genuinely concerned. 

“Just throwing out some stuff” you smiled at him 

“That’s a bright envelope” he chuckled, glancing down at the envelope in your hand. 

“Yeah just an invite, but I'm not going.” you told him 

“Where aren't you going?” he asked you 

“My friend’s wedding. She wants me to bring a plus one but everyone’s busy. Spence’s going to see his mom, JJ and Will have a party, Emily has her annual ‘sin to win’ weekend and Penelope’s going with her and Derek’s going out with some girl he met. As for Rossi, everyone’s just gonna think he’s my sugar daddy and I’m not in the mood for their judgement” You explained to him your lack of a date

He chuckled, “Maybe I could go with you? If you don’t mind of course and well, if you’re even going” 

You were shocked he offered to go with you, you knew he spent his weekends with Jack. “Are you sure? I don’t want to make you cancel your plans to go to some wedding with me.” you looked at him, he smiled. “I didn’t have any plans, Jack’s with his grandparents this weekend. What time should I pick you up?” 

“Is 3 alright?” 

“3 is perfect. I’ll see you tomorrow” he gave your arm a little squeeze before heading out leaving you in the office by yourself. 

----

It was now 2:57 and you were waiting for Aaron to come pick you up. You’d be lying if you said you weren’t nervous. Your boss offered to be your date and also because your ex is going to be there, with their new partner. 

You took a look in the mirror, adjusting the front of your dress. It was a black silk dress Emily had convinced you to buy a while ago. It was floor length and backless, it fit your body like it was made just for you. It had red embroidery going down one side, from the shoulder to right above your hip. 

The doorbell rang, you took a deep breath in before opening the door. Aaron was wearing all over black, the two two buttons on his shirt undone. There was no denying that he looked handsome.

“You look beautiful” He smiled at you.

You chuckled “Hello to you too Mr. Hotchner” 

A red tint spread across his cheeks, he smiled “Hi y/n” 

“You don’t look so bad yourself” you leaned against the door.

There had always been this unspoken level of attractiveness between the two of you. You opened the door wider for him to step in, “give me two minutes to find my shoes and I'll be ready” he nodded and shut the door behind him as you walked over to your closet. You pulled out a pair of black heels and slipped them on before walking back to Aaron. Even with your heels on, he still towered over you by a few inches. 

“Ready ?” he asked you, looking you up and down. “Yeah, I'm ready”

---- 

The service was beautiful, your friend was the ideal image of a blushing bride. Everyone was at the reception and Aaron had stepped away to take a phone call, leaving you with the chance to get yourself a drink. 

“Uh, a rum and coke please” the bartender nodded as you leaned against the counter. Your ex made their way over, you looked away praying that they wouldn’t come talk to you. 

“Y/n! It’s so good to see you” They smiled at you 

fuck fuck fuck, this is what you wanted to avoid. 

“Hey! Good to see you too” you gave them a fake smile. Where the hell was Hotch when you needed him. You glanced around hoping you’d see Hotch and excuse yourself but he was nowhere to be seen. 

“How have you been ? Oh! Have you met Sam? They’re my partner” 

“Mhm nice to meet you Sam” you gave the two of them a fake smile. Aaron had seen your ex once or twice from pictures so he knew who was talking to you when he walked back over to you. 

You felt his arm wrap around your waist, his hand on your hip rubbing it softly. “Hey baby, I'm sorry it was work” He gave you a kiss on the cheek. 

You smiled at him “It’s alright. Oh, this is (ex’s name) my ex” Aaron looked at them and nodded, not saying anything. 

Your ex stood there trying to make a conversation with you but Aaron kept whispering in your ear. It wasn’t anything important, just stupid little dad jokes which made you giggle every time. Your favourite song came on, your ex glanced at you. 

“Dance with me sweets? I know this is your favourite” Aaron asked you. You were surprised he knew your favourite song. “Of course I'll dance with you” The two of you walked to the dance floor hand in hand leaving your ex behind. 

Aaron’s hand rested on your hip and the other was holding your hand. The two of you swayed to the beat, not a care in the world. It felt as if the two of you were the only people in the room, in the world. The world and everything in it melted away as the two of you spun around the dance floor. 

Before you knew it, the song was over and the two of you were still standing there, holding onto each other. 

---- 

He drove you back home, still playing the part of the boyfriend. He opened the door for you, holding your hand and helping you out of the car. You smiled at him as he walked you to the front door. 

“Do you want some coffee or something? I have cake in the fridge” you look at him, back against the door waiting for his answer. 

“Coffee sounds good” 

You unlocked the door and walked in, he followed you in and shut the door. You pulled off your heels and left them by the door before heading to the kitchen. When Aaron got to the kitchen, his jacket was off and his sleeves were rolled up. 

You could feel the butterflies in your stomach, something about him had always made you want to be close to him. Tonight didn't help your feelings at all, everything felt so normal, so domestic. 

Your coffee maker beeped, snapping you out of your dream world. Aaron was filling water into the machine, “sorry, I was supposed to do that” you said to him. “It’s alright, you zoned out for a second there. Are you okay?” he asked, leaning against your counter. You hopped up onto the counter beside him and he turned to face you. 

“Tonight was nice” you whispered, barely loud enough for him to hear 

“It was, I had a good time” he said back 

You fidgeted with your fingers, his hand rested on top of yours. “y/n, what’s on your mind?” he asked you, he shifted closer towards you. You shook your head, “I’m fine, why do you ask?”

“I know you, you only fidget with your fingers when something’s on your mind or if you’re upset.” he admitted to you. You took a breath in, depending if you should tell him how you really felt. You knew either way, he’d figure it out eventually but you wanted to tell him, you should tell him. 

“I didn’t thank you for being my date tonight” you looked down at your lap, he smiled. “You don't have to thank me, y/n. I’m glad I could go with you” 

You rested a hand on his cheek, unsure how he’d react. His head leaned towards your hand, nuzzling his cheek into your palm. 

“I like you Aaron” you whispered, looking up at him. You could feel him smile against your palm, he turned his head to press a little kiss in your palm. 

“I like you too. Honestly, I thought I was over my feelings but tonight showed me that I wasn’t” he told you, stepping forward to stand between your legs. His hands cupped your cheeks as he leaned forward, you leaned closer as you felt his lips touch yours. The kiss was gentle, but passionate.

There was 4 years of chemistry in that one kiss. 4 years of small touches, over the shoulder glances, pining, lust and want poured into this kiss. This was magical and for the second time that night, you felt as if the whole world melted away. 

[mira--mira]

Hi! I was wondering

How do you think Hashirama and Madara would be in a Road to Ninja version?

I remember once reading a Hashimada fic (which I never finished RIP) that was about Madara appearing in the RTN universe and the 3 things that stucked with me were:

1.- Madara was the first Hokage (something that Madara thought was horrible when he saw his sculpted face on the Hokage mountain 🤣)

And personally I think that it would not have been like that even in the RTN universe because we didn't see his face along with the other faces of Hokages in the movie (Yeah, apparently I'm basing myself on a movie which I'm not even sure if it's canon or not, even though Kishimoto wrote it) and the RTN characters didn't seem to even know who Madara is.

2.- Hashirama having his bowlcut as an adult

And I agree with the Madara from that fanfic, it looks awful on him. Hashirama, babe, I'm sorry but the only ones who can rock that style are Guy Sensei and Rock Lee, I know you just were trying to be cool but it doesn't suite you.

3.- Tobirama was a porn writer

Instead of being a fan of forbidden jutsu and creating justus, he wrote porn novels a la Jiraiya. And I'll hold that headcanon with my dead hands.

The only other fanfic that places the founders in the RTN universe is one where the protagonist is Mito (it's an interesting one-shot that pairs her with Itama 🤔)

She was kind of a shy person 🤔? And so it was Tobirama 🤣 which I found fun.

Hashirama, as the first fanfic I mentioned, was the Tobirama of the place (saddenly Madara wasn't in this fic).

So I would like to know what are your versions of the founders (or only Hashirama and Madara if it is too much) in the RTN universe! And how do you think things would be

Hmm, RTN is an interesting concept to me but, to be honest, I don't think Konoha would exist if a lot of personalities got flipped 😂 I haven't read any RTN fics with the founders, but if you, or anyone else, have links at hand I'd love to check them out 👀

1. Madara

Here's the big one and the crux of why I don't think the village would exist. Typically I characterize Madara as an extremely responsible man who internalizes things when he shouldn't, takes himself way too seriously, is aggressive and abrasive even to people he loves sometimes, but genuinely loves the people closest too him. Reversing this would make a character that slacks off, takes no responsibility, and is completely passive in life and has fleeting attachments to others around him. Assuming he wouldn't die on the battlefield, I could see the RTN "alternate" personality coming about of Madara's being so overpowered and competent that he loses interest and distances himself from things before he can get attached and lose them.

It makes building a village very hard though. (At first I was tempted to go RTN Sasuke route and maybe RTN!Madara is a little more openly flirty than canon!Madara, but the passivity and refusal to take responsibility would be the "core" qualities for me.)

2. Hashirama

Hashirama is a bit weird because he has a lot of surface-level "conflicting" traits in canon. He is optimistic but he pushes beyond his natural attitude and uses it as a mask to hide instead of addressing his feelings. He's mischievous, likes jokes and games, and can be a bit hedonistic with his pleasure but can equally be serious when necessary and will willingly sacrifice for others around him. And simultaneously, Hashirama and Madara are connected by a shared sense of idealism but also anger. Hashirama is a very kind, but extremely angry, man. I think a RTN!Hashirama would share a kind of apathy of RTN!Madara but instead of passivity his lack of anger would manifest as cruelty. Because canon!Hashirama is angry but his anger is usually a righteous kind. I don't think RTN!Hashirama would go out of his way to be cruel, but he doesn't have the empathy of canon!Hashirama, especially to others' suffering. He enjoys fighting just a bit too much and has no qualms about killing. In his mind, he should always come first in any situation and prioritizing (or even considering) others' is effort and him going out of his way to be "nice" and the other should be thankful. Similarly if he feels any negative emotion, he won't bottle it up and swallow it down, he'll immediately address it, usually confrontationally. RTN!Hashirama is as intelligent as his canon counterpart but he doesn't suffer fools and he hates it when people underestimate him. He's pretty proud and vain, tbh.

I really don't think the above would make him the "Tobirama" of RTN verse. To me Hashirama and Tobirama have different core values and perspectives and inverting Hashirama's doesn't make it become Tobirama's, if that makes sense. This one is also wordy bc I immediately knew how RTN!Madara would be RTN!Hashirama is a bit harder to pin down. But I hope it's clear why I have doubts about the village existing...maybe if RTN!Hashirama got it in his mind as a pet project for the hell of it, that he'd be a better leader for the country and not just the Senju alone, and RTN!Madara liked the idea of no responsibility and being able to detach even further than he already was? But that's still kind of grasping for a reason.

3. Hashimada

Equally I think any Hashirama/Madara relationship would be ehhh. They definitely wouldn't have the overwhelming bond of their canon counterparts, and it could be a relationship ripe for unhappiness. The closest I can think of to making the ship work is RTN!Madara would be drawn to Hashirama's absurd level of self-confidence and able to let the casual cruelty slide off instead of getting worked up about it. In a way RTN!Hashirama is stable and predictable. If he's pretty overpowered, there's less of a chance RTN!Madara would lose him, so their relationship isn't deep but it's more or less dependable and Madara knows exactly what he's going to get. In contrast RTN!Hashirama has an audience in the form of RTN!Madara and a partner that's not going to push back against his ideas. RTN!Madara doesn't ask for much and he doesn't complain when RTN!Hashirama puts himself first. He doesn't want, or might not be capable of, the deep emotional bond their canon counterparts have. RTN!Madara wouldn't leave Konoha (if it existed) in the AU, because he doesn't really care. If someone upset RTN!Hashirama and he decided to leave to 'do it right' RTN!Madara would probably follow, maybe out of some loyalty for RTN!Hashirama but mostly because it's what's easiest.

4. Tobirama

The core of Tobirama's character to me is prioritizing logic over emotion and both a conscious and unconscious failure to realize he can't completely eliminate emotion. Tobirama loves his brother, he's curious and has a desire to find out what makes things work and is willing to bend morality to get results if it'll serve a greater good. He's very aware of the unfairness of the world but believes it's an unspoken truth of humanity and can only be mitigated through logical means, but never completely erased. He'll be the sacrificial lamb, the one that works in shadows so his brother can have his utopian dream. Despite everything, he loves his genin, the strongest bonds he has aside from Hashirama, and does try to instill in them lessons he think will help them and lead to peace and stability in the village. He's still influenced by the prejudices of his time and can never find it in him to truly forgive the Uchiha.

A RTN!Tobirama would be a man ruled by emotion. Him writing erotica all day definitely could be one way this manifests lol. But overall he's sensitive and spiritual and can't stand the idea of killing. He and RTN!Hashirama don't get along and he actively tries to avoid his brother. RTN!Tobirama has equally strong principles as canon!Tobirama, but they're pacifist in nature and while he likes his studies, he prefers to be out talking to people and learning from them first hand. He's very naive and can be easily taken advantage of and he has trouble focusing on any one thing for too long. No matter how many times this happens, he never can harden his heart or be overly suspicious of others. RTN!Tobirama would most likely be the one support peace in this AU. He embraces the Uchiha and all the Senjus past enemies with open arms, almost to a foolish degree. It'd be a bad idea if he became hokage in this AU because he's a terrible negotiator and has a bad people-pleasing streak and struggles with long-term tactics. With the exception of RTN!Hashirama, who he considers an aberration who doesn't have a soul, humans at their core all have good intentions at heart.

5. Mito

I characterize Mito as a very level-headed woman. Her marriage to Hashirama is political in nature but they grow to be good friends and she never expected to fall in love and she's glad Hashirama didn't want a traditional wife. Mito is devoted to her community work (she works hands-on with people in the village), she seeks out connections with others and, despite the distance, remains close with her family in Uzushio, constantly writing them letters. She's spiritual and follows the Uzumakis' beliefs (not gonna list this OoT spoiler lol) and studies fuinjutsu in her spare time, something she's done since she was a child. She is willing to sacrifice if it meant protecting something she considered greater than herself, much to her own personal detriment. She loves and is proud of her children and grandchildren, but if she had a choice, she would have chosen to remain childless, she finds her true calling elsewhere.

RTN!Mito, similarly to RTN!Tobirama, is ruled by emotions. She dreams of one day making a good marriage for herself and centers romance and being a mother as her ideal life, but she's extremely picky when it comes picking the perfect husband. RTN!Mito knows how much she's worth and she refuses to settle and will not even entertain the idea of an arranged marriage. She has a hard time forming long-lasting, deep bonds with other people and views starting her own family as the solution to this problem. At times she can be a bit absent-minded and unintentionally selfish, but she's not actively malicious. She blusters a lot and depending on the situation can come off as cold and uncaring, but it's only to hide the depth of her true feelings and loneliness. In this AU she would absolutely refuse to marriage RTN!Hashirama. Nothing on hell or earth, could make her change her mind.

Mito is such a blank-slate character it feels like writing an oc more than a canon character, tbh. And this is something I don't see brought up a lot but a "heart full of love" to combat the kyuubi's hatred to me has never been exclusive to romantic or familial (to children) love. *cough* I want a complex female character who's not vilified for not wanting to have children and/or regretting having them *cough* Mito's "love" was for the people of Konoha and Uzushio. My personal headcanon regarding her and Hashirama's child (I don't think she had more than one) was that she was dedicated to her son, but quickly realized being a mother wasn't her dream or something she even actively liked. The kid was well-cared for and she was dutiful towards him, but Hashirama was the parent that loved and embraced him with his whole heart and it led to some tension between Mito and her son as the kid could tell the difference and neither of them were "wrong" to feel the way they did. This is why Tsunade was shown with Hashirama instead of Mito, he was a lot more present in her life when she was young (instead of Kishi just not having made Mito as a character yet). But after Hashirama and Tsunade's dad died (and then Nawaki), she and Mito grew close but it was definitely more of a friendship or student/mentor relationship rather than a traditional grandmother/granddaughter relationship but both were satisfied with it and loved eachother. Likewise I didn't want RTN!Mito's characterization to be shallow and hit misogynistic undertones with her being an "opposite" to Mito's calm, level-headed, focused on her work/passions characterization.

6. Closing thoughts

#1: Wow this got long #2: I feel conflicted about RTN because it seemed to flip surface-level characteristics instead of deep characterizations, and ignored flaws altogether. The ones above, esp. Hashirama and Madara's, are kind of dark in a way? But that's the only way it makes sense to me...Gai and Lee caring about style and being stylish is a funny joke but if you were to actually poke and prod and say their personalities were inverted, neither of them would be top-notch ninja as we know...unless I'm just completely misremembering RTN because I realize it's been years since I saw it lol. Anyway, hope this was entertaining!

[ianenjoyer]

an overly detailed analysis of every time Ian and Mickey talked about loving each other bc I love pain and angst apparently 

1. “You love me, and you’re gay.” -Ian, 3x09

So right off the bat this one was always the most shocking to me. Throughout the season, there were definitely hints that they were falling in love with each other/already in love but the fact that this is the first time we actually hear it hurts me so much. Especially because Ian was so sure. He wasn’t asking Mickey if he loves him or begging Mickey to love him. He just... knew that he did. This scene is so raw and painful and real because you just see two kids who are desperately in love with each other, but not allowed or able to show that in a healthy way, so they just end up lashing out at each other.

2. “You try sitting on your ass while the person you love--” -Ian, 3x11

Like I said: pain. So before, we heard that Ian knows Mickey loves him, but I always thought it was interesting that he focused on that instead of telling Mickey that he loves him. Because he does, and he definitely knew that. I think this speaks to Ian’s tendency to compartmentalize and only think of his emotions in terms of other people, which he does consistently throughout the show. So here we hear him admit it, but not to Mickey, and only because he’s drunk out of his mind. Ian is just one of those people that constantly keeps things bottled up inside and only deals with them when he reaches a breaking point, which he definitely did in this episode (and we see the fall out of this in 3x12).

2.5 (bc i forgot it the first time) “You love Mickey?” -Carl, 4x11

So I do think it’s really interesting that he says “I like how he smells” here instead of just saying yes. I mean I do think he likes how Mickey smells which is very adorable but he also definitely loved Mickey at this point and he was definitely aware of that. I think he didn’t say it for two reasons: one, he wasn’t ready to admit it out loud and two, he didn’t want Mickey to hear him say it. Before, being over-eager and too obvious about his feelings hadn’t been met with a good response from Mickey, so I think he was trying to avoid scaring him off, while also doing some pretty serious compartmentalization himself. This especially makes sense considering that they weren’t technically a couple here, and that Mickey had only just started admitting (through actions, not words) that what he and Ian had was about more than sex.

3. “You love him?” -Svetlana, 4x12

The dynamic between Mickey and Svet is a very interesting one, and I don’t know if anybody could ever fully pick it apart. But in this scene, you see an odd mutual understanding between them (which extends in season 5a). And what’s truly shocking is that Mickey says “maybe”, which is such a big step for him. Before, if somebody asked him that he would have completely avoided the question while probably blowing up at the person. But he says “maybe”, showing that, even if he doesn’t fully understand his feelings, he had definitely thought about it, and it doesn’t scare him like it used to. This is definitely because he came out and finally felt like he could really be with Ian without this sword hanging over his head (even though the circumstances of that weren’t great).

4. “I love you.” -Mickey, 5x06

God this one... breaks my heart. First of all, the fact that Mickey was the first one to say it would have been shocking in seasons 1-3, but it actually makes so much sense in season 5. Over and over again this season, Mickey’s shown that he loves Ian, but the fact that he can only say it when he thinks he’s losing Ian, and that it’s obvious he didn’t mean to say it, shows that he still hasn’t fully come to terms with his feelings, no matter how strong they are. 

5. “You used to love me--now you don’t even know who I am.” Ian, 5x12

This one is almost identical to #1, except with the added piece that Ian no longer thinks he deserves to be loved. This one is so fascinating to me, because it shows, once again, that Ian projects his emotions onto other people instead of dealing with his own feelings. He tells Mickey that he used to love him, even though there’s been no indication from Mickey that he no longer loves him. He says that Mickey doesn’t know who he is when, really, he’s the one that doesn’t know who he is. He put words into Mickey’s mouth, because that’s what he believed to be true, and I really don’t think that at this point anything could have convinced him otherwise. The lack of self-worth that comes with having a mental illness is so debilitating and all-consuming that no amount of reasoning from Mickey would have done much to convince him that he deserved what Mickey was offering to give him. 

6. “I love you.” -Mickey, 5x12

So while we have Ian telling Mickey that he used to love him, Mickey counters by just saying how he feels to his face. I think that seeing Ian go though what he went through, and almost losing him like three times made it so that Mickey could no longer deny his feelings. But like I said, Ian had it so cemented in his mind that he was doomed and fucked for life, that I don’t think anything could have gotten through to him at this point. And of course at this point Noel left the show, so we never got to see what could have happened between them if Mickey had stayed. (I 100% think they would have gotten back together sometime in late season 6 after Ian reached a stable place again but whatever).

7. “I love you.” -Ian, 7x11

Fuck. 7x10 and 7x11 are such bittersweet episodes because while it does make it so clear that Ian and Mickey are the loves of each others lives, it’s also when they thought they would never see each other again. What’s extra sad it that this is the first time we’ve ever heard Ian say this. And it’s a goodbye. The only time Ian can really face his emotions head on is when he’s forced to, and he was definitely forced to here. He loves Mickey. He knows Mickey loves him. But that didn’t really matter here, and it’s so tragic, but also really realistic. As for Mickey, he doesn’t even seem surprised--because he wasn’t. He wouldn’t have asked Ian to come if he didn’t know he loved him. This scene is extra heartbreaking because of that. This whole thing just serves as a reminder that sometimes love isn’t enough, and that sometimes there are forces bigger than any two people at play, which I think has always been a central idea to their story.

8. “I love you.” “I know, love you too.” Ian and Mickey, 10x03

Mutual ‘I love you!!!! It took like 10 years but it finally happened. They say it like they’ve said it a thousand time before, which makes me think that it’s definitely not the first time they’ve said it. There’s not really much to talk about here except that finally they’re allowed to love each other. Sure it’s not an ideal situation, but it is one where there are no forces actively working to keep them apart, which is so wonderful. When Ian and Mickey are allowed to just be, they work so well. Even though they’re saying goodbye here, it’s not a real one, not like the break up or the border. It’s temporary and they both know that so for once, them saying ‘i love you’ is a happy (or at least bittersweet) thing instead of the tragedy it was all of the other times.

9. “I love you…and I trust you.” -Ian, 10x08

Remember that quote where Fiona tells Jimmysteve that to her (and all the Gallaghers) trust is bigger than love? Yeah. Anyways his scene is tough because while I don’t think Ian was necessarily lying about genuinely wanting to marry Mickey and the legal stuff just being bonus, I do think he was downplaying the importance, both to himself and Mickey. And at the courthouse, once the bonus of spousal privilege wasn’t needed, he definitely started to realize the magnitude of the situation and what connotations marriage held for him. I mean marriage isn’t something you should just decide on a whim, no matter how much you love somebody and I think he realized that the second the impending threat was gone.

10. “Mickey, I love you!” -Ian 10x08

This is him making it as clear as possible to Mickey that it’s marriage that’s the problem, not him. He saw how heartbroken Mickey was when he didn’t sign the papers, and was basically doing damage control at this point. The problem was, Mickey couldn’t see through his initial heartbreak to really listen to what Ian was saying, or try to understand where he was coming from. I think that Mickey is an incredibly understanding person, but this was just one time too many for him.

11. “You’re just saying you don’t love me enough now.” -Mickey, 10x09

This is probably the first time we’ve ever seen Mickey question Ian’s feelings for him. I think that at the courthouse, he was just so blatantly reminded of the break up and the border that he wasn’t thinking rationally. He was so terrified at the prospect of Ian not choosing him, that he couldn’t listen to Ian’s (pretty reasonable) explanation for why he didn’t get married. However, I don’t think he really believed what he was saying, especially because of how petty he was being with Byron, and how obvious he made it that he would instantly go back to Ian if he proposed. But it still is really sad that he was reminded of that all over again after believing that he and Ian were gonna get married and that he was never going to have to worry about that again.

12. “How do you know you love me?” -Ian, 10x09

I’ve written a meta on this before but here I go again. He’s once again assuming that Mickey couldn’t possibly love him--that he couldn’t possibly want to be with him forever. Not because Mickey’s done anything to indicate that, but because that’s what he thinks Mickey should feel. He genuinely can’t believe that Mickey would want to be with somebody like him, especially because of what he saw with Monica and the way she destroyed relationship after relationship (both romantic and familial). I don’t think he sees himself as being all that different from Monica, so even though that’s definitely not something Mickey would ever care about, it weighs on him heavily (and probably always will). This whole thing just so directly parallels the break up, and it’s so sad to think that, after everything, Ian still doesn’t think he’s worthy of the kind of love Mickey has for him.

13. “I love you Mickey Milkovich. More than anything.” -Ian, 10x10

More than anything!! God, the proposal was a little underwhelming but this line!! It’s Ian choosing to get past all of his doubts because his love for Mickey is bigger to him than they could ever be. Like I said, I don’t think he’ll ever fully be over his insecurities, but he can definitely choose to let Mickey in and have hope that they can work through it together. And even though Mickey knew that Ian loved him and was basically just biding his time, it must have felt amazing for him to hear it put so clearly like this.

14. “Look I love you. I love you.” -Mickey, 10x12

First of all, the way he says it is so amazing. Second of all, there isn’t much to say about this except that it’s so indicative of his growth. Like he went from being closeted and terrified, to blurting out how he feels in a room full of people. That is such a beautiful thing and I get really emo whenever I think about it. 

15. “To love and to cherish you ‘til death do us part.” -Ian and Mickey, 10x12

I actually really love that they used traditional vows for their wedding. So much of their relationship was complicated and hard, so to have something very simplistic but meaningful as their vows was so perfect. And the way they say them... they’re being so sincere and so honest. They really mean what they’re saying. They love each other!! And they’re married!! Wow!! That’s all I have to say about this.

[shinjaeha]

ipytm ep 1 (thoughts + spoilers)

so it’s been SUCH a long time since i last did one of these thoughts/recaps posts but !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! god, i’m just so happy that ipytm is HERE. FINALLY. it’s felt like forever, but it’s so wonderful to have our boys back again, and to be continuing on with their story :’) even though i know we’re all in agreement that this won’t be an easy journey for the two of them (or us).

the usual ‘this is not a proper analysis’ disclaimer here. i’m literally just rewatching the whole thing and getting all my thoughts out here (so idk if this is even considered a proper recap but oh well). just whatever comes to mind so it’s as unstructured as always.

SO. we start off with teh and oh-aew playing rock, paper, scissors over having to do something they both clearly don’t want to do. it seems that we all had the same thoughts on this bc as they were playing, all i could think was “imagine if they’re doing this to buy condoms” only, low and behold, for it to ACTUALLY be true 😂 but good to know that our boys are practicing safe sex, i’m so happy for them :’) chaste/virgins no more!!!!! teh being as awkward and fidgety about this as always (I’VE MISSED THIS SO MUCH). they’re just so cute and i’ll never shut up about it!!!!! watching the last ep of itsay was like me exhaling and finally getting to relax a little, but i know that now ipytm’s started i’m gonna have to start holding my breath all over again. so i will def try to enjoy as much of the fluff as i can. i’m never taking that for granted ever again!!

one thing i really love is how itsay ended with them at promthep cape during the sunset as a new couple, and now ipytm’s opened at night, the both of them on the beach in the moonlight, as proper boyfriends. the contrasting images we get at both these scenes is so poetic and beautiful. just seeing their clothes strewn on the hammock is enough to bring all those memories rushing back.

they already kind of set the tone for how both boys, particularly oh-aew, were going to feel with ‘last twilight in phuket’, so it’s not altogether surprising to see oh-aew’s reluctance to leave phuket, and teh’s excitement to go to bangkok. this also makes a lot of sense in terms of their personalities. teh has always been the one that was the more ambitious of the two, so of course anything that brings him a step closer to his goals will excite him, and uni in bangkok has been the first major goal since the very beginning. oh-aew, on the other hand, has never been quite as decided or sure in terms of his goals and aspirations as teh, which would certainly make him feel a lot less enthused about leaving the comfort of home. he’s always been more cautious and careful, where teh tends to be the more impulsive one, so naturally he’s the one that feels more worried about this change while teh’s basically counting down the days till they can leave, not a care in the world.

the contrast between phuket and bangkok is already so jarring from the beginning. where phuket was so relaxed and sleepy, so many open spaces where there was no one else but the two of them...our first shot of bangkok is busy and bustling, cars and skyscrapers everywhere. the two shows are obv connected, but with this new setting, this is a completely different story. we’re (literally) in new territory!!

SO HAPPY TO SEE TEH’S FAM AGAIN!!!!! i’ve missed them too (esp hoon!!!!!). i love it so much that his mum just KNEW. and that she let him know that she knew in the most thoughtful way too. in a way where she was looking out for oh-aew as well :’) it’s interesting how i was genuinely expecting that they would focus a little more on teh struggling to be out in public, but it looks like that that was the main obstacle of itsay, and they’re looking to tell a different story now. he’s so much more comfortable with himself and it really shows. the one person that teh always wanted approval from was his mum (i mean, the initial reason that he wanted to become an actor in the first place was bc she told him how much he looked like yongjian), so once he realised that she knew about him and oh-aew (and they had her blessing), it’s like that’s all he needed. just that acceptance from the person that he respects the most in the world. it reminds me so much of that time he cried to hoon about liking oh-aew and how he was afraid that he wouldn’t be accepted bc he liked boys, and hoon was so clear about how he was okay with it no matter what. teh’s family are always showing him how much they truly love and care for him, and it’s so beautiful. just another weight off his shoulders now that he’s finally free to be himself and to love oh-aew out loud in public and not care about anything else. i’m glad that they got that out of the way so early on so we know that it’s likely not going to be one of the conflicts for the two of them in ipytm at least.

anyway, i’m so happy that they’re finally communicating directly to one another now that they’re a couple...hopefully, no more passive aggressive ig stories pls 😂also, the way safe zone starts playing the moment they see each other!!!!!!!!!!!! i wonder if nadao will also has sad acoustic/piano instrumental versions of safe zone on hand that’ll make me cry like they did with skyline........

FIRST BANGKOK DATE IN THE AQUARIUM!!!!!!!!! the cinematography is just a+++++ but then we knew it would be. i love that shot of them in the aquarium with the fish as their backdrop. it’s just SO stunning. 

the voice recording was SO SWEET. and the way that oh-aew was so touched by teh’s mum’s approval. it’s a weight of his shoulders now too. one less thing to worry about for the future. it’s prob esp emotional for him bc hearing her talk about coming home to phuket to have a meal together must make him feel so incredibly homesick too.

“your mum is romantic, isn’t she?” and then teh really one ups his mum by KISSING OH-AEW IN PUBLIC. it’s the romance for me!!!!!!!!! with the fish in the background...like saying there are so many fish in the sea but you’re the only one for me...sorry, i’m a sap but i just love them so much okay ;;; i live for teh referring to the both of them as a couple/boyfriends and oh-aew pretending like he doesn’t absolutely love that and teh teasing him about it. he’s grown so, so much since the very first ep of itsay. even since ‘last twilight in phuket’ when he was too shy to kiss oh-aew on the cheek and now, in an even bigger city, he’s kissing him on the cheek AND the lips in public like it’s nothing. like it’s the easiest thing in the world. remember back when bas was confessing to oh-aew in their chinese class and teh had his breakdown bc it was so easy for bas yet it was something he couldn’t do?????? LOOK AT HIM NOW. WE’VE COME SO FAR. the character development makes me feel like a proud parent, and i’m SO happy that he’s happy and proud to be with oh-aew. and most importantly, proud to be himself. he really went through so much to get to this point 😭

ANYWAY, this kiss is everything. the contrast between their first kiss, when they were both underwater hidden from view, and now, still surrounded by water, still in their own little space, but on land this time. out in the open. no longer hiding. how you can hear everyone around them speaking in the background, but then when teh leans in, all the sounds fade away bc they may be surrounded by other people, but it’s still just the two of them. their underwater kiss was beautiful, but it always left me with this sadness bc of how restricted they were. this one is so much more satisfying now that they can love each other uninhibited like this. out loud. i really, truly just love them with every beat of my heart ;;;

teh talking about how one day he’ll be on that movie poster reminds me of when they were kids watching ‘sword over the moon’ and he jumped up and told the gang that he wanted to be an actor when he grew up (oh-aew was the only one who didn’t laugh at him back then too). he’s still that same boy, young and idealistic :’) and it’s also so nice seeing how confident teh is now about the two of them both being the male protagonists. like back when oh-aew originally brought it up (and asked if two male protagonists would be okay), he could barely nod his head in response, and now here he is boldly proclaiming that the both of them will be protagonists (a real couple) on movie posters, in different series’ and movies together. although we know the naiveness of this, and that things will prob not work out as smoothly as they’re imagining it will at this moment, it’s still very sweet. they’re just so young and in loooove.

teh spending his first night in bangkok at oh-aew’s place!! first thought, damn oh-aew’s place is real nice...so different from the dorm that teh’s sharing with his roommate. second, they could not be anymore adorable :’))) third, teh leaping out of bed in panic the second he heard what time it was was me yesterday morning after staying up half the night watching ep 1 and realising i was late for work...itsay/ipytm being relatable as always haha.

i like how from the get go they show you how different school in phuket and uni in bangkok is. teh was late a bunch of times in itsay too, and would sneak in without any of his teachers realising...but here he’s late and gets reprimanded on his very first day. anyway, must be nice to have a boyfriend surprise you by preparing milk for breakfast for you (well, i guess unless you’re lactose intolerant like i am hah).

i got soooooooo excited the second i saw goy (and oab!!)...i love the both of them so i really can’t wait to get to know more about their characters (as well as the rest of the new cast of characters) throughout this. it’s one of the things that i’ve been most looking forward to them exploring in this series. but yeah, teh fanboying over top?? i agree with kim. super cute. anyway, i’m already esp intrigued by jai...i was leaning towards him just being a senior/mentor for teh initially (which i still think will be the case), but i also get ~vibes from him that there’s something more to that (though i’m just speculating for now). he’s mysterious, and i have no doubt that there’s more to the story than meets the eye js.

all the tables and chairs at this restaurant are blue and red (as well as their uni ties)...they really gave us our official itsay/ipytm colours whenever possible 😂 in all seriousness though, i feel so sad for oh-aew. when teh asks how his first day was and he’s just like “i have the most fun being here with you now” and then you can see the sudden concern in teh’s face and voice when he’s like “why’s that?” that hurt :( seeing oh-aew sad is the worst...he’s just such a sweetheart. and just like in itsay where teh’s confusion and struggle in accepting his sexuality was such a relatable experience, oh-aew’s difficulty in adjusting to uni and life away from home is too. i totally understand where he’s coming from, and it fucking sucks. making friends in uni (ESP when you have no other friends that went with you to the same uni, and everyone else already seems to know one another) is so. damn. hard. i’ve been in this position so many times before...i’ve gone to unis and gone semester after semester without making ANY friends. it’s such a different experience from high school, and the transition can be really, really difficult. that plus the culture shock of being in an entirely new city with barely any support. i’m actually really glad that ipytm is delving into this experience a little bc i don’t think a lot of shows do tbh.

it also makes me think about how when you’re in high school, getting into uni seems like the end goal a lot of the time (the way the admission exam was always their main goal in itsay), but then you get to uni and you realise that it’s just another step. there’s so much more life once you get in. and that sometimes it’s really not all that it’s cracked up to be.

that sequence of teh progressively waking up earlier and earlier as the sky also gets progressively darker (and taking all sorts of different methods of transport) to get to class on time made me feel so bad for him. working on the play until almost midnight and then having to wake up at like 5am every morning (and not even being able to do fun things like teach oh-aew chinese at 4am anymore?)...the poor kid ;;;

i love plays/musicals but tbh i know next to nothing about how anything backstage works, so i really do love that we’ll get to learn more about that in this series. kind of like how the itsay/ipytm documentaries teach me so much more about how the acting/filming process works behind the scenes. i’d never even really thought about how the stage crew would have to adjust their eyes to the darkness in order to rearrange the props on stage, so that was fascinating to me. it’s such a visual and symbolic aid for the show itself too.

i get the feeling that teh and kim will become a lot closer, and i can’t wait to see how their relationship develops. it’s so great that teh has all these new seniors that he can learn from. just like the blindfold helps him adjust to the dark, having them there to guide him through makes it so much easier for him to adjust to this new city and this new stage of his life.

i knew that oh-aew telling teh to sleep at his dorm was coming bc poor teh was running himself ragged, and oh-aew’s always been so accommodating of teh. he’s always been able to understand...but he’s having so much trouble adjusting, and he’s SO lonely and homesick, it makes my heart ache for him. all these little things tend to build up over time. they’re still in the sweet, honeymoon period of their relationship so it doesn’t seem like a big deal now. but when life gets busy, it becomes increasingly easy to grow apart from someone without even truly realising it (and it’s the same for any type of relationship or friendship).

the emptiness of oh-aew all alone in his huge place :((( like although teh might not particularly like his roommate, he’s basically never alone like this, even in his dorm. he’s homesick and when everyone else is busy with their own lives, it can also feel like you’re being left behind.

yes, they’re playing pp’s new ost!!!!!!!!

FINALLY we meet oh-aew new group of friends!! they seem so sweet. also, why is oh-aew saying his own name like the cutest thing in the world to me :’) i was smiling about how glad i was that he finally found a new gang of friends and then my poor boy started CRYING...but then they basically adopted him into their group and it made me feel more at ease again. i constantly want to hug and reassure oh-aew this whole ep. q making him bingsu to give oh-aew something as close to the taste of home as he could was soooooo lovely. he really needs a friend atm, and i’m glad that he found a bunch of them.

i was so afraid that teh was gonna drop the prop as he was waving to oh-aew haha. that interaction?? adorable. then again, it’s teh/oh-aew, so of course they are. also wondering if there was any significance to that glance between jai and oh-aew bc i know this crew never just puts things in this show randomly hmmm.

aaaaand i was waiting for the first real crack to appear, so when kim was saying they were gonna have to keep fine tuning the play for the contest, i was like OF COURSE. i have no doubt that teh would give up working on the play if oh-aew told him too, but we all know that oh-aew would never ask him to do that. it would be like teh relinquishing his place all over again. and oh-aew knows how goal oriented and driven teh is. this is one of the minor conflicts that has been brewing since the start of itsay, but i think that it’s going to become a much bigger deal now that their actually adults and there are new goals they’re striving towards. the both of them have pretty much always had the same goal, but what happens when this changes...

“but i’ve given so much of our time to other people already” they had to hurt me with that one huh.

but also, the “text me once you arrive at your condo” is a special one for me bc to me that text in itsay was the moment when oh-aew realised that teh might have feelings for him...and i feel real nostalgic about it.

if you think about it, in regards to his aspirations, oh-aew has always been pushed or motivated by teh in some part. when oh-aew was yongjian in the play when they were kids, teh helped him remember his lines, and this in turn made him want to become an actor. when they fell out the first time, one of the reasons oh-aew was so driven to succeed was bc he wanted to prove to teh that he wasn’t going to quit. teh tutored him in chinese so he could get into uni. the first time they ran to the cape, he almost gave up if it hadn’t been for teh motivating him to keep going. he nearly didn’t sit the admission exam until teh relinquished his spot which then spurred him to keep studying so he could get in on his own accord. in oh-aew’s own words, teh has basically always been his biggest rival and inspiration. and even now that they’re in phuket, oh-aew’s been so dependant on teh bc he’s been so lonely...and doesn’t have anyone else in bangkok with him (up until he met his new friends).

originally, i’d speculated that while itsay focussed on teh’s journey of discovery and self-acceptance, ipytm was going to focus more on oh-aew’s journey of discovery and self-growth. and i think based on this ep, it does seem to be heading in that direction? i just get the feeling that oh-aew’s going to learn to become more independent throughout the course of this series. he’ll grow and change, and as a result that may mean they grow apart, but i also think it’s a necessary and healthy thing for the both of them. and just bc you grow apart doesn’t meant that you can’t grow back together again eventually, you know?

but yeah, still doesn’t mean it’s not going to pain me to watch the angst we all know is coming. when teh gave the flowers back to oh-aew, that made my heart ache too. and it felt even more symbolic after watching pp’s mv for ‘hold me tight’ where the sunflower seems to represent oh-aew himself (always turning towards the sun...but what about during the night??). when oh-aew closed his eyes, opened them, and couldn’t see teh on the stage?? it’s both kind of like he’s imagining some sort of future where teh isn’t there with him AND that he’s realising that maybe the stage might not be for him anymore. the passion isn’t there...just darkness. like it was signalling a new chapter starting for oh-aew...and everything in this ep up to this point was just the set up for this realisation.

in the end, what i really want is for the both of them to be happy. that’s always been what i’ve wanted from the start. but i also really want to see how they mature and grow through this experience. watching this ep felt bittersweet in a way bc of that underlying angst that was threaded throughout (even in their happier moments). i only expect that to get heavier with the upcoming eps, but i’m also weirdly a lot more at peace with this than i was during itsay. maybe bc i think it’s arguably even more important and necessary for them to grow as individuals, than as a couple (as much as i want to see them together). i genuinely do believe that they’ll find each other again in the end though.