#bc I don’t have to hide the autistic parts of myself FROM myself to be able to see myself in them

[dunmeshistash]

I can’t find it now, but you had a post about Kabru being high-masking, and you said you didn’t think he was, which is completely fair! I had a different opinion as someone who is high-masking AuDHD and wanted to share (but of course now I can’t find the post 9_9)

Personally, I read Kabru as being high masking autistic, with one critical difference between us: he’s an extrovert. I’m actually more like Milsiril than Kabru - I collect/make dolls, I’d rather be at home than anywhere else, I’ve been called creepy and weird and gloomy for all of those things, but I also learned how to mask relatively early on, so most people don’t ever get to see that side of me. For me it’s a lot of work and energy- most of the time. If I’m around people I like, it’s less so, but people in general take a lot of my energy. Kabru, on the other hand, is very extroverted. He gets a lot of energy from interacting with people, and for the most part his personality and interests are acceptable to the society he lives in. BUT his interest in dissecting people’s motivations and how they communicate and interact and how to move them in the direction he wants them to go, that’s considered overly intense and creepy even by his party. Kabru keeps a lot of his thoughts and honest reactions internal because he’s aware of how people interact and what is or isn’t acceptable. I do the same thing, and I engage in a fair bit of “manipulation” (neutral) as part of my masking - I know that asking people for advice, showing interest in their lives, complaining together about things, etc, will cause them to view me more favorably and I use that to keep myself “safe”, along with basically never talking about my interests. I’m friendly and open and helpful and I almost never fight back against anything, so people “like” me. It’s not all *fake*, but it’s not the whole truth either. I’d rather not engage in conversation at all, because I can’t talk honestly about my interests without being considered creepy- but if Kabru’s special interest is people and how they interact, to some degree he can talk about his interests without it seeming weird.

Anyways, that’s my perspective :D also thank you for being a Milsiril defender, it’s… really painful to see people calling her manipulative and superior. I know a lot of it is bc ppl DO NOT understand anyone who likes dolls as an adult but like….. liking dolls has less than nothing to do with “needing to feel superior” or in control -_-

Hello!! I collect dolls too!!! Proud to be nº1 Milsiril defender.

That's an interesting perspective! As far as I understand (I'm autistic too so I don't have personal experience to how allistic people work) everyone does some amount of masking, as in everyone has a version of themselves they use to interact with others and that "mask" usually falls when you're with people who know and understand you better

As I understand that type of mask is expected in society? Like you wont act at work the same way you do with your college friends (usually). But as some tumblr post said "we are the mask and the wearer" as in those masks are still a part of who they are.

That's why I said I didn't think Kabru was high masking, I hadn't heard that term before so I was confused

Maybe I don't fully get it but keeping some parts of yourself inside and not expressing it to people who wont understand is common among allistic and autistic people but masking is this but in a way more stressful way? Since you aren't just hiding facets of who you are you're making an active effort to hide the whole thing basically.

Kabru's mask seems to come easily to him and it doesn't seem like he makes an conscious effort to go against his nature to hide who he is that's why I said he probably doesn't do high masking in that sense. But in another sense he IS highly adaptable to the people around him and studies how people act so I understand that perspective! It's more of a personal interpretation tbh.

[caffeinelemur]

Okay one's your birthday of course, but what's the other important thing happening in April?

Yeah, so one of my longtime biggest special interests is coming out with new material like a few days before my birthday, and it’s a very extremely large deal to me, I’m so fucking excited!!! …but I don’t talk about this particular special interest on tumblr bc it’s one of the things that people can get very mean about and I’m not built for that kinda life.

I’ve got that RSD that is triggered by reading any kind or criticism that’s even vaguely mean (even jokingly) not only towards people who are fans of this (me) but sometimes towards the thing itself, making me feel like I’ve just been stabbed multiple times, so I learned in high school when this specific hate train started not to out myself as a fan and invite that shit in, even though as an autistic person I’m basically hiding a large part of my personality and excitement, bc people just hear you’re a fan and immediately decide who you are and it sucks.

I do have a sideblog specifically for it though.

(It’s probably why I reacted like that when I got into Hazbin Hotel/Helluva Boss, I was getting like flashbacks to 2012-2014, when everyone went fucking insane bc something got popular and took it out on people for no reason, and overcompensated by announcing to everyone a just in case warning.)

You might be able to tell what I’m talking about from this post actually there are enough context clues if you know enough about it.

Anyway,, I’m still so fucking excited about this, my mom is so tired of me talking about it and I have no outlet but it’s just so important to me and makes me happy and like!!!! For my birthday!!!!! Aaaa!!! Help I can’t deal with it mom just has to suffer my excitement sorry we live together that’s just what happens

[uefb]

Sometimes Newt’s stimming literally makes me tear up, because I have spent my whole life trying to make myself still, have been told to control my body so I can be taken seriously, and yet I still spent years wondering why—even when I copied everyone else as closely as I could, even after I studied acting, even after I on and on and on—I could just never quite fit in…

And half of it’s because of the way I naturally carry myself and how I’m just always at least slightly in motion, even if it’s just down to one hand when I’m at my calmest.

But I’ve always always been made to feel ashamed of that, and then Newt Scamander came barrelling onto the screen in 2016—into a world I’d been using as an escape since 1998—and now I look at him and can see myself, see him being grown and professional and successful, and it reminds me that I’ve somehow managed to approximate that too, stimming and movement and rocking and all.

And it makes me cry.

With relief.

To be seen.

Newt Scamander stimming, as promised

[awetistic-things]

your post (Aug. 20th) about starting to lose friends and hating people during your preteen years even when you were a social butterfly before really got me thinking! and i think it’s a mixture of how kids are raised and how other adults + media makes them treat you, and how you treat them in turn,

from a young age for most autistic people there’s a barrier made whether they like it or not, and it’s usually made by teachers and how differently they treat you in front of other kids, or how they don’t treat you at all and a teacher’s assistant treats you instead. And they think they have to treat you the same way, because little kid brains. And the autistic child may or may not start to just expect to not be treated the same, so they wait for someone else to treat them differently rather than seeking out a group to be a part of.

I think because the media and other people have always demonized disorders that autistic people themselves hide their autistic traits, but masking can only do so much. So in older grades, like middle and highschool, where everyone is pressured to act the same, any little detail is sure to set you aside from them. And so in trying to avoid that, autistic kids will avoid making friends entirely, or interacting with people they don’t have to at all, because there’s less chance for your masking to not work, and less chance that you get targeted if people don’t pay attention to you. So this isolation manifests as a hatred for interacting, even if you wanted to have so many friends and talk so much, and more often than not makes you the “weird quiet kid”.

Now, for things i can’t really put into words but are connected to autism and i want to get the point across:

(puberty) acne + poor hygiene in highschool = outcasted / some autistic people have genuine trouble with this (i know i do)

(puberty) hormones causing weight gain = bullied / most “bad” autistic rep happen to be fat people, and fat people are demonized in general anyways for no reason

the entire “band kid/theater kid” stuff is usually kids with access to a creative outlet + surrounded by other neurodivergent kids = bullied / people start to genuinely hate their special interests + hyperfixations + harmless behavior because of this type of stuff, even if they weren’t a theater or band kid

hope i got my point across in a way that made sense lol i just got really excited about the chance to talk about this bc it happens to me and i wanted to share ^_^ !!! -jayhd

hi!

i never thought about it that way, but i completely agree!

having that confusion and difficulty with connecting especially during middle school can definitely contribute to developing a hatred for interacting as a whole

i know a lot of autistic people )including myself) have been teased and/or bullied for out hyper-fixations and i think that definitely manifests into adolescence and eventually into adulthood

what i mean by “manifesting” is how that shame around hyper-fixations can become a part of masking too, because masking is all about hiding the things that will get you targeted

thank you sending this in, it definitely got me thinking :) /gen

[ittakesrain]

Thoughts

I’m anxious enough, I don’t need the obnoxiously stupidly unnecessarily fucking loud lawn mowers outside the goddamn window

Am I autistic /?::;(;:///

Why am I so irritable. In the bipolar way. Not enough sleep maybe. Just time to get irritable, maybe.

I’m handling it well

Who’s keeping score. No one. Well is that good or bad? Like. Does the fact that no one’s keeping score, and therefore that no one is winning or losing, make me feel better or more anxious. Like…???:?/

Personalities are weird. I know mine damn well. Fuck bpd. I know who I am. I love who I am. I always used to say, like, as a teenager, “I love who and how I am” and no one would get that, I assume bc of the how part, but it makes total sense to me

I fantasize about using my personality as a weapon. Meaning. Hiding myself from people to punish them. Sounds super vain tbh haha but if people suck then fuck them they don’t get to know the ME they could have known

Going back to bpd, I did find myself worrying about the status of an important relationship I’m in, but logically I knew things were fine bc they had no reason not to be lol. I think I got to that level of winning-over-my-brain with practice, but also??? I’m not in severe active crisis right now. And not for nothing but I’ve spent too many YEARS in severe active crisis

I’m getting defensive help lol

I also still feel like if I could FOCUS like a normal human beingggggg I’d be better equipped to move through life without suffering —that’s how I’ve been phrasing it, and I’m proud of that phrasing, but in other words: give. me. the. adderall. I. need. Because. I. Deserve. To. Focus. And. Function.

[lord-of-fidgets]

Before anything, I think that it was a joke with a hint of true, basically just saying "ye same"

Now, I dont have autism BUT, I do have ADHD and a theory about masking

So, idk you or anything and this is fully open to whatever you feel like putting it, but I personally think masking is a bad thing, masking would be hiding a "problem" thats not actually a problem. So if you get "more autistic" it would mean you are not only more comfortable with the people around you but also with yourself and what you have and can't control

Like, yes I am more ADHD as time goes by, but bc I'm comfortable with my friends and myself, so yeah, be autistic 😀👍

I'm a bit confused about what joke you were/are referring to, anon...

I agree, masking shouldn't need to be a thing.

For context - which I guess I didn't do good at providing or didn't provide at all - the post is kinda talking about how those who interact with me at a consistent basis "could tell" I'm autistic - that, and how i seemingly am not good at masking as I thought I was.

I don't think masking is a good thing but know some people need to for whatever personal reason -

I *can't* mask fully. I can attempt to and maybe "pass" as neurotypical for a little while but never very long. I've had people who, after spending time with me consistently, said that I was "more autistic" than the other autistics they had met. Not saying that those autistic people weren't masking or not struggling or anything but for me, it just shows I *can't mask as well as I thought I could* and that the older I become the harder and more draining masking is.

Of course it's draining for anyone - so Im not downplaying anyone else. I didn't think a lot of people would see that post because I'm not a big blogger and I mainly post bits of my thoughts. So I guess I was surprised and overwhelmed about how fast people replied, likes, reblogging, etc. Not that it's bad, but I couldn't tell if it was good or bad or if I said something wrong.

I have both autisim and ADHD, and intellectual/learning disability. These combined with CPTSD and other things from my trauma probably play many parts into it.

I'be always had traits I couldn't hide, regardless of me masking. But as I've learned more about my diagnosis like my autism I have also let myself not mask as well.

I hope this makes sense.

[floral-cutie]

hey, im the anon from pinkfemme's ask and i'd like to thank you for your kind words. it means a lot to me ♡

omg im so SO sorry anon i didn’t see your message until now,,, but aw don’t mention it, really, i’ve been where you are, and it’s not a nice place to be. it’s scary because we feel so guilty for everything we’re feeling, and we think that God will be disappointed in us for accepting our homosexuality as part of ourselves and being proud of it but look. God would surely be disappointed in us if we tried to hide this beautiful part of us, if we punished ourselves for being who we are, God is proud of every single part of you and loves every single part of you, even those you don’t like. even those that are seen by other people as “ugly” and “wrong”. when i started to accept myself, was then that i truly began to grow closer to God, when i tried to get rid of my love for women, it did the opposite, it distanced me from God. remember that no matter what ppl say, you belong in the church, in a mass, more than anyone else in there. God loves you, and you ARE worthy of His love. screw everyone that tells you otherwise, God loves you and is very proud of who you are, after all, you’re one of his most prized creations. 

i hope u have a great weekend, anon, with many blessings. and please, never forget that you’re not the only lesbian/gay catholic out there, there’s one hell of a community behind you, supporting you, okay? here on this website there are a buuuuunch of queer christians, and its really comforting to see ppl like us, no matter if they are catholic or not, talking about Jesus just as much as they talk about their pride. i will list a few here, okay? sorry for writing such a long response but, yeah, i hope it helps you and other queer Christian folx: 

@autistic-catholic @catholictendencies @mysticismmess @savedbygr-ace @lgbt-christian-safe-haven @lovethyqueers @on-for-heavens-sake @luciaofsyracuse @queerprayers @rainbow-sheeps @biblesbian @thebichristian @holy-bi-ble @queermariah @shoutsofmybones @hymnsofheresy @unstrungbones @hereticpryde @reclaiming-god @queer-spirituality @a-queer-seminarian @lgbtq-plus-christian @queerlychristian

i follow all of them and wow,,, i have to admit that i love every single one of them bc unaware or not, they helped me A LOT and still continue to help me to grow closer to God, queer Christian community here on tumblr helped me A LOT and I'm really grateful for them. 

you are not alone, anon, and you are loved not only by us but by God as well. never forget that.  

[akari-hope]

Would you possibly have any tips on making new friends for a recently graduated autistic person who has none?

despite being in pretty much the same situation not long ago, i unfortunately don’t have any super solid advice :/ i’ve always been a pretty introverted person, and socializing doesn’t come easy for me, so irl stuff is hard. online is a LITTLE bit easier, but not always. circumstantial friendships in school and work are very different to like...”real” friendships, which i still don’t totally understand how to make myself. 

that all being said, i can at least give advice that i know i should follow, and some crowdsourced from my fellow autistic friends:

-don’t be afraid to approach people first. be it online or irl, it’s really easy to take ourselves out of the game before we’ve even tried. most people are actually pretty okay with you reaching out first! you’re not a bother or weird. (my trick is usually to lead with a compliment! like “hi, i just wanted to say i love your shoes” or “hey, wanted to say i really like your blog. you seem cool!”) even if it doesn’t actually lead to a friendship, it’ll help you get more comfortable with talking to people in general, which is super helpful if you’re socially awkward/anxious like me. one-on-one can be scary though, so when that fails...

-join a discord group. for a fandom, a hobby, whatever! sometimes it’s easier to actually find people and not feel weird talking when it’s a group forum. for me, i like groups more than individuals, bc it’s easier to be part of the crowd, and you can feel included even if you’re not always chatty. usually you can find a few people you vibe with more than others, and start some really great friendships from there.

-take a class or join a group in your area. have a hobby? there’s probably a local group for it! it’s a good way to know you’ll have something in common with someone right away, which can make conversation so much easier. or, maybe you’ve always wanted to try xyz. sign up for a class. it’s easier to approach people/talk to them when you’re all there for the same reason. something that encourages cooperation/collaboration is best (a lot of my irl friends were people i took dance classes with for example). easier without covid but a good one to keep in mind regardless.

-don’t try and mask your personality as a way into friendship. this one’s hard for me, but it’s important to really put as much as your organic self forward as possible when trying to actually make friends. i know i have a habit irl of putting on a front of what people want to see rather than what is really me - some of it is shyness, but a lot of it is 100% me consciously hiding aspects of my personality. this is a lot easier online, ofc, where you have the boon of being behind a screen and (generally) more openly neurodivergent people. it’s easier for people to get to know you, and typically makes you more approachable/friendly-seeming, if you’re genuine about who you are.

hopefully some of that is at least a little useful! if anyone else has more solid advice, feel free to chime in!

[almaasi]

reaction post typed while watching SPN 15x13 “Destiny’s Child”

so Destiel is a pizza metaphor now, I guess :o

--

05:24pm

i am LATE

because my doctor wanted to see me before the entire country goes into self isolation for 4 weeks. so i was there at 10am (an unGODLY HOUR) and they were doing all the appointments in the car park, with the patients in their cars and the doctors outside wielding those forehead-check temperature thingies. anyway i’m not dying. but i did have to go back to bed with wet hair because DECONTAMINATION

also i wore a surgical mask and now i have a rash where it touched me :/

-

05:42

almost done downloading. expectations for this episode: SOMETHING FUN. hopes: a hint (or a heap) of destiel. c:

-

05:45

alrighty it’s done!!! let’s go, lesbians

-

05:45

cas: “if the pizza man truly l--”

OH BOY WE’RE IN FOR SOMETHING

-

cas sexuality recap????????????????? iiiiiiiiiiiiiinteresting,,,,,,,,,,,

-

the pizza man.......... is dean............................

what 

is

happening

seriously what the fuck is happening

for 10 years i’ve expected a destiel recap and thIS WAS NOT IT, FAM

BUT I AM FUCKING INTO IT.

edit: wait, the pizza man is CAS, meg/the empty said later. so dean just wants all the pizza in his mouth i guess

-

05:49

my brain has rewired itself to be unable to see two characters together without worrying about covid-19. i can’t imagine anyone kissing without squicking myself. it’s weird.

and dean and sam are TOO CLOSE

take a little sub-step back there, ladies

-

05:51

other-dean-and-sam step out of their car

okay first off

1. the music. i like it. it’s awful in this show. i’m gonna look it up later.

2. the ANKLE. disgusting. i’m attracted to it.

-

2.1. wait no it’s sam’s ankle i take it back

-

05:56pm

sam: “it’s latin for ‘hidden’. where do we find it?”

billie. “i. don’t. know.        it’s.      hidden.”

i love her so damn much.

-

05:58

dean playing with the rubber band feels like a metaphor for the universes. he twists it into an infinity symbol and ooooooh

-

ahh look at this boy stimming

recently, the more i’ve watched dean the more i’m more inclined to think he’s also on the autism spectrum. just SO different from cas. and forced to hide all his traits by his upbringing, lifestyle, and surroundings, the way women with autism tend to do.

-

DEAN TRYING TO GUESS WHAT HAPPENED TO THE THING AND CAS SAYING NO !!!!!!!!!!

10/10

edit: probably my favourite part of this episode tbh. and i completely forgot about it until i was re-reading this post just now

-

06:05

anael/sister jo: “well, the healthcare systems sucks, so i pick up the slack”

resentful applause would be appropriate here

-

i like how she’s dressed! stripy blue turtleneck under a red satin cocktail dress under a bubblegum pink blazer!!!! nice!!

-

06:20pm

accidentally moved my computer and it turned off, lost a bit of this post. basically it was me saying ARE YOU TELLING ME ANAEL AND RUBY WERE CROWLEY AND AZIRAPHALE and having my fingers crossed for it being explicitly romantic somewhere in this

and then cas is talking to jack

cas: “dean feels things more acutely than any human i’ve ever known”

which, for one thing, only feeds my growing autistic!dean headcanon

and secondly, there’s a shot of the pizza as he says that!!!! significant

-

did dean just call sam ‘samwitch’ or is he referring to sam/rowena

-

cas: “the demon you were sexually intimate with”

which just reminds me how ruby was cas’ parallel that season.....

-

so i guess nowadays they just pop into hell like it’s a grocery store

-

dean’s gonna be so mad if cas dies forever

-

team free will dies if jack does it wrong

MUCH PRESSURE TO PUT ON TINY JACK O NOES

-

anael and ruby are definitely playing good omens

-

06:46

jack questioning this every step of the way probably Means Something

-

dean and cas standing in a church by the altar looks a liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittle like a wedding

-

i question how the moon would be in exactly the right place and fullness in order for them to find that. one minute off and they never would’ve seen it. and ruby’s been dead 10 years and somehow knows where the moon is, topside???

-

SO CAS JUST FOUND A SNITCH AND THE SNITCH IS LIKE “EAT ME”

very harry potter

-

jack’s gonna eat the snitch isn’t he

-

snek

JACK HEARS PARSELTONGUE

there is SO MUCH good omens and harry potter in this, i love it

-

dean and cas at the altar again........ ugh <3

-

brazil iS NOT WHERE ANYONE WANTS TO BE

everything is Bad there

-

07:00

HOO

it’s over

well that was a different episode than the trailer made it out to be. good though. wow so much all at once. i enjoyed seeing the ladies again.

THE RECAP ABOUT THE PIZZA THOUGH. like... it wasn’t textual in the episode, just made people Aware of the subtext?? which means regular people WILL BE NOTICING THE DESTIEL GOING FORWARD. OH BOY.

i’m too tired to have coherent thoughts but i enjoyed this!! i love jack and billie and i love how concerned dean was about dead!cas, and the other-sam-and-dean were funny but THEY’RE JUST?? OUT THERE IN THE WORLD NOW??

10/10 and i am intrigued about what’s coming next........

but yeah there was destiel. it’s just a pizza metaphor now.

*pizza emoji*, *clown emoji*

--

edit: so i just realised this was a bucklemming episode and THAT EXPLAINS MY WEIRD FEELING OF “i enjoyed this but something felt off”. like parts of this fell flat and felt like they skimmed potential rather than delving into it, and i was like hmmmm, but ignored the feeling bc i am just really fuckin tired. but yeah that explains the busty asian beauties thing too. i didn’t mention it bc ugh can’t be bothered. but yeah. adjusting my rating to 8/10 because it really does make a difference knowing the author’s intentions were questionable

[redandfranticfeelings]

an autistic analysis, lyric by lyric, of ‘i love play rehearsal’

ive been hyperfixating over bmc for the last month and i keep thinking about how autistic the main characters are and christine is so very very very autistic coded to me. so i decided im just going to straight up deconstruct the lyrics of her signature song in the context of her being autistic (and also having adhd, but my experience is mostly in autism)

this is very very rambley and based more on personal experience than research, so i doubt itll be interesting to anybody but me, but i just want to talk about christine, the autistic queen

I love play rehearsal Because its the best! Because it is fun. I love play rehearsal and I get depressed as soon as its done.

it goes without saying that chrstine’s special interest is theater right? the way she treats it as the “highlight of [her] life” and then switches into this song after acting completely awkward and disinterested in jeremy outside of the context of him being engaged in her special interest.

But not depressed as in like kill yourself depressed No, im not into self-harm Dude, I swear, here check my arm!

overexplaining in a way that reads very much like speaking before she thinks, even though bringing up self harm in casual conversation with someone you barely talk to is not exactly proper etiquette. i think this is also an adhd trait? going faster than your own brain. that’s basically this whole song.

See, I just use the word to emphasise a point, Show the passion I have got I am passionate a lot. I have mad, gigantic feelings, Red and frantic feelings, About most everything Like gun control, like spring,

a lot of people assume autistic people are typically emotionless but it’s also very easy for us to get caught up in emotional issues especially when it comes to stuff we love, and it catches us off guard. christine being hyperempathetic is implied later in the show when she has that awful survivors’ guilt over making fun of rich and jake, and it also plays into her being so socially conscious as well.

Like if I’m living up to all I’m meant to be.

being an high school junior is really rough bc of all the decisions that have to be made regarding college and your future as an independent adult, and being autistic just makes it worse bc it can easily lead to burnout to deal with so much at once, if you even can comprehend these things much at all (i had no idea what to do, lol). i doubted my ability to grow up and succeed constantly because i had no idea who to talk to and what questions to ask and how to present myself. that’s something that a lot of people worry about, but having social delays makes it way more of a pressing issue than it is for neurotypicals, i feel.

I also have a touch of ADD. Where was I? Oh, right!

self explanatory and very canon. adhd and autism can be diagnosed simultaneously nowadays and the symptoms overlap a lot, btw.

I love play rehearsal, Cause’ you are equiped with direction and text, Life is easy in rehearsal, You follow a script so you know what comes next. Anywho the point that I’m getting to is sometimes life can’t work out in the way It works out in the play

this part screams autistic culture to me. unpredictability is scary because social situations don’t always go smoothly like in fiction! this is why social scripting is a popular therapy tactic for autistic children- you have to manually study social situations like a script. theater is something meant to be memorized and recited until you’re able to process it and manufacture emotion, but honestly for autistic kids, life feels a lot like that sometimes. remember how miserable she got when one of her favorite plays had the script changed without her permission to make a whole new story she doesn’t know? of course that’s just upsetting on its own, but in the context of her knowing theater so well and being fully prepared for one story only to be forced to learn a new one? ouch.

christine is never shown as comfortable outside her element- she hides in a book during “more than survive” and shrinks into nothing at the party. it’s a recurring theme that she has no idea exactly who she is, struggles with her identity outside of theater, and despite not really caring about how people see her, she does care about her own ability. socializing makes her feel awkward, especially when something totally unexpected happens like jake or jeremy asking her out. if she doesn’t have a plan or routine or, well, a script, then she can’t trust herself to go forward.

Like the only time I get to be the center of attention, Is when I’m Juliet or Blanche DuBois

as an autistic theater kid, i just really do relate to being clueless and dumb in real life but being able to totally thrive on the stage, because you can channel the energy that is usually misplaced in real life social interactions, and transfer it through dialogue and song and dance that someone else laid out nicely for you.

and can I mention? That was really one of my best roles, Did you see that?

an epic combination of letting your mind wander easily without caring about making sense to the person you’re speaking to, and taking every opportunity to infodump. in a lot of productions she even mimics her blanche voice just for fun. jeremy tries to respond here but she doesn’t care because she’s in her own brain where everything only really seems to make sense to her.

And no matter how hard I try, It’s impossible to narrow down the many reasons why, I love play rehearsal. I happiness cry whenever it starts!

if she isn’t being hyperbolic then this plays into my ‘so much emotion it’s hard to control’ thing detailed a bit above. either way, big special interest mood.

It’s just so universal Getting to try playing so many parts. Most humans do one thing for all of their lives, The thought of that gives me hives! I’ve got so many interests I wanna pursue,

it’s a lot easier to lose yourself and connect to your special interest than focus on your very complex, very overwhelming real life issues. escaping into fiction and being able to play in a variety of social situations as a totally different person, yay theater!

in general i just like the idea of christine struggling to visualize who she is and thinking about a lot of hypothetical but being unable to choose which one is most desirable or plausible. idk if that’s autistic or just a fun character trait lol. i know jumping from interest to interest is an adhd thing though.

this little passage is good for at least showing that christine distinguishes herself from ‘most humans’ in a way that isn’t so much ‘not like other girls’ but like ‘life is so much more confusing to me than it seems to be to others’ (which the show proposes isn’t exactly true and is the same closed-mindedness that jeremy has, though christine realizes it sooner; however; the sentiment rings true in that christine, as a neurodiverse young woman, has a lot more hoops to jump through than a neurotypical classmate.)

And why am I telling this to you? Guess there’s a part of me that wants to.

jeremy is also very autistic coded in my eyes, but that’s a separate post. i just like them being drawn to each other through that sort of kinship. also if you interpret her as having an unrealized requited crush on him…well, i think for a lot of us, romantic love is easy to confuse with friend love, if even that, because the specifics of emotions are a mess to unravel. (which also explains her confusion on her relationship with jake)

oh and right after this, she starts squawking just because she had the impulse to do so. vocal stimming, much?

Back to play rehearsal, My brain is like ‘bzzz’ My heart is like 'wow’

my brain is always like bzzz honestly lol. this is generally a pretty good way to describe being hyperfocused.

Because we’re here at play rehearsal, and it’s starting, We’re starting, It’s starting, Sooo-ooon.

it’s been confirmed as a deliberate decision that christine’s songs never end on a rhyme, except when she’s squipped and it isn’t ‘really’ her, because she subverts everyone’s expectations, including jeremy’s. i feel that could make for a nice simplified metaphor for autism, right?

[genderhawk]

I got mad on FB and posted a rant as a caption on a shared image.  The rant is SUUUUUUPER long and incohea-rant but it felt good to write...

I added the cut at about the same place fb puts the readmore

The image:  

The rant:

I only have to be brave in order to reveal a SLIVER of my true self (if you think I'm not hiding autistic traits by forcing myself to act painfully against my natural relational, communicative, and self-expressive instincts literally any time anyone could potentially see?  you are wrong) because people who AREN'T trans and/or disabled and/or otherwise marginalized in our culture have made it LITERALLY UNSAFE not to. CW: bigoted violence against people of all ages, eugenics, and other bigotry both in the abstract and as it applies to me.  Also, I'll be deleting comments that aren't constructive and respectful because this is MY facebook and, while I don't mind discourse, I don't want to host any content that doesn't serve me.  Argue wherever else you want.  Freedom of speech protects you from the government, not the Alexx. (that right ALSO doesn't cover incitments to violence, like arguments in support of eugenics...............  bc killing someone for immutable traits of their very being?  violent.  Even if it's just in reproductive limitations or the legal need to literally sterilize yourself in order to transition legally...  👀) as well as disordered eating and related weight loss

Anyways...  I've been thinking about living in a world that is hostile to almost every part of me, for one or more reasons.  If I go into spaces for queer and trans people who share my interests?  It's full of white people who can't be rascist bc they "have a black friend" but I'm the black person they've "befriended" and we are NOT friends and they ARE racist. Black spaces?  Most of them transphobic, if not homophobic as well...  Again, usiually not at the surface but even at the best events the bulk are still rife with STRUCTURAL anti-queer microagressions... And so few spaces for queer people, POC, nerds, activsits even.....  MAYBE 1/10 puts accessibility info on the event listing...    I know that not every event can meet every need, but shouldn't they at least be meeting the need of letting me know BEFORE I spend 3 hours getting to a class on interserctional direct action only for me to be unable to attend without SOMEHOW asking the event hosts to help me up the half-flight of steps to get into the building...  But theres no contact info and in order to get help I'd have to GO UP THE STAIRS AND ASK!! Disabled people can make PENNIES to the dollar, not even ten cents to every dollar an abled person can make, and it's LEGAL!  A dollar an hour is LEGAL and sub-minimum wage is standard for disabled employees even in feilds where their disability doesn't impact performance on average. Acording to the CA Public Policy Institute, 32,500 is the minimum yearly income needed for a family of four in California over the average cost of living for the WHOLE state. I divided by 4 and got $677 and change. I make EXACTLY that in SSI, give or take fifty cents.  So lets do some math!  My favorite subject... My PRESCRIPTION meds cost about 30 bucks a month, if I ONLY get the few meds that Medi-Cal and my private insurance through my mom don't cover AND if I can convince all my doctors to give me the max quantity of those so I'm refilling those every 90 days instead of every 30.  My transit?  Now that I have access, is 68.75 for 25 rides which is about how many I need a month.  Compared to the long beach transit 25 ride pass (31.25) so that is already an increase in CoL of $37.50 (not including meds in this updating tally bc most people have some medical copay, and 30 a month on average is comprable to an able bodied person's appt and med copays if they had my private insurance even without medi-cal)...   I do have OTC meds which, a low esitmate for monthly, is about 50 (I'm not counting CBD and THC as med expenses here bc then the numbers would be skewed by racist drug laws too....) for Tylenol, allergy meds, meds for nausea and diarrhea and constipation, dry eyes, dry mouth, other med side effects and symptom management. $87.50 spending increase with REALLY low and highly excluisive estimates... Moving on!  Food.  I can't cook or clean up after myself on a bad pain day (5 to six days a week) so I've lost 20% of my body weight since August due to disability.  A few different grocery budget calculations for my needs if I could cook for 64 of 84 meals a month (20 meals eaten away from home, ordered in, or otherwise convenient) is $145 or so. This also doesn't account for cost increase for allergy safe food items.  Thats also how much calfresh I get, although that number is slightly higher than my food money.  That means that I only spend, according to Jan's bank statment, 100 bucks of my own money on food.  $187 above and beyond average basic expenses per CA policy.   And thats just three needs. LEGALLY housing can't cost more for me bc of a disability, so I'll leave that out of this rant thats getting too long... Just with the four basic needs listed I've only got $274.75 left to buy clothes, further an education or learn a trade so that I'm not on SSI my whole life, pay for anything urgent, pay for anything extra, have fun, pay for THERAPY to deal with the stress of having so little money...................  It doesn';t cover phone, internet, or any medical equipment I might need to fix/replace/or add to my collection of resources...  It sure as hell doesn't cover any kind of community work or social connection. Sometimes it feels like everything is against me and I feel paranoid...  And then I remember that in most states its legal to abuse and torture children like me to make them Normal and Acceptable (ABA, conversion therapy, skin bleaching...)

[ansonmount]

How do you feel about people self diagnosing mental illnesses? I’m in a debate with my friends about it bc I don’t think people should claim to have a mental illness such as; PTSD, OCD, bipolar disorders, depression, anxiety, etc... without knowing what it actually means. I’ve been diagnosed with all of those by a doctor btw so nobody call me out for not knowing abt mental illnesses.

I think it’s a personal thing. In my opinion, I knew deep down there was more to me than just anxiety and depression. Normal depressed people dont try to kill themselves over a video game. (i got kicked out of my guild back in like 2014/2015??? and i self-destructed). I’ve self-diagnosed most of my issues because some of them are rare autoimmune diseases - like hidradenitis suppurativa. My depression and anxiety I self dx’d. I self dx’d my bpd. Everything did get confirmed as time went on and when I could deal with an issue. I had to have a cyst lanced at one point and the surgeon looked at me in shock because I knew what HS was. My GP refused to talk to me about bpd, so i had to take it into my own hands and see a psychologist for the first time. I love stigma. /s

I was “diagnosed” with bipolar after no antidepressants were helping me but my hypothyroidism was hiding a lot of my other symptoms because i would spend 20+ hours asleep every day. LOLOLOL. so that went out the window. as soon as I got my thyroid meds (a long shitshow honestly), it sorta let my cfs and bpd out because i was functioning more. So yeah I’ve been misdx’d which isnt surprising because not only is bpd common to have with bipolar but they can get confused with each other easily. 

In my experience, most of the people i know/myself did/with a self dx did it after a lot of research and self-reflection.

The sheer reality for myself, and this is my personal experience; doctors aren’t always right. Doctors can have their own biases and stigma. I went to my GP at the time when I was 19 about CFS and he told me I had sleep apnea, well I don’t. I’m much heavier than I was then and I still don’t have sleep apnea. I’ve had doctors shrug me off. I’ve had doctors be SO RUDE to the point I’ve walked out of appointments. It’s at the point my psych has said me that my anxiety about doctors isn’t just anxiety, it’s a downright FEAR because of how I’ve been treated by them in my life.

People are so quick to just believe their docs and take whatever pills they get handed without even knowing what’s wrong, that at this point in my life, I do question my doctors because I’ve been fucked around so much. So yeah I support “ethical” self-dx, because for me, i’ve only ever done it when I needed help with it. I’ve never self’dx’d to be like “ohoho look at me im craazzzzy i love being borderline, i love being the manic pixie trope because boys looooove me” or whatever. 

Are there people who self dx just to be in with a certain community? yes. Do I personally give a shit? No, because I don’t have the spoons to police other peoples illnesses. Are there times when you can tell someone is faking it? yeah, and I would call them out, but for the most part? Self dx means we can target things that can help - like mindfulness and dbt therapy for bpd. Sometimes people can’t get a formal dx. My boyfriend is autistic and adhd, his is a self dx because getting him a dx will cost us near $4000. Some people don’t have supportive families, hell I only got my depression and anxiety dx’s when I could go see the doctor on my own during the day without my mother hanging over my head. She knew I was depressed because she made the doctor test my hormones. Did they do anything about it? Nope. So i suffered till I could get meds on my own. 

Self dx is a personal thing and sometimes theres more going on with a person than their tumblr can tell you. 

Fakers will always give health communities a bad name, but it doesn’t mean the rest of us should suffer because of them and not get the self help or professional help we need. Self dx made me understand my body more and eventually led to getting help. Wanna know the ironic thing about HS? there’s no cure or pills for it. So it’s not like I can even get better from it. My skin is literally eating itself and barely any doctors have any idea of what it is because no one talks about it. Sometimes self dx is a coping mechanism to feel like everythings okay. I’d rather self dx than suffer from an unknown illness, because if anything is going to set my anxiety off, it will be that. 

sorry, i feel like i have a strong opinion on this lol 

[destroyyourbinder]

I’m writing a separate post because I know butch communist will get a bunch of shit due to the people who will relate to what she wrote. I absolutely don’t think she endorses my blog (lol) but what she said is very powerful, and I’m glad she wrote it. I do not use the term “reidentifying” on this blog for myself or others for very similar reasons. I still struggle with finding community with other women and feeling extremely alienated from other women, even though I have gotten to the point where I can see us all as fundamentally similar in certain ways and I’d like to connect. (The women I connect to the most, honestly, are detransitioned women, in the same way BC does, and certain kinds of disidentifying women who I’m not sure I have a name or class for who I view as similar to myself.)

One thing I’ve been thinking of a lot since watching Hannah Gadsby’s Nanette and reading about her experiences is that this experience of alienation might have more to do with autism than gender non-conformity first and foremost. Gadsby apparently received a late-in-life autism diagnosis and her mannerisms, speech, and way of relating to the world are very familiar to me, as someone who is autistic, has an autistic girlfriend, and has a likely autism-spectrum sister. The number of disidentified female people, transitioned or detransitioned or not, and especially female people who are “masculine”, who have either ADHD or autism is absolutely astonishing, and I honestly think it’s time for lesbians and transmasculine folks as a community to consider that neurodivergence is not just “highly correlated” with being this way but actually fairly central to the experience. I don’t relate much to lesbians in general, trans men, disidentified female people, or butch women who don’t have autism/ADHD and I think it might explain a lot about why certain female people might struggle so much with gender and in very particular ways.

Weirdly, one thing I don’t share with her and I also don’t see as a particularly common experience, is that although I have a huge amount in common with butch-identified lesbians and I am identifiable as a butch woman in my day to day life, I have a very hard time actually relating to butches or self-described “masculine” women. I mean this in the sense of finding community with them and actually forming meaningful relationships rather than observing/reading and relating (which I can do). It’s possibly some sort of insecurity or imposter-feeling but I do not feel worthy of the title and feel distant from women with these experiences, even though we are extremely similar. It might be because I am primarily attracted to gender non-conforming and transmasculine female people who I see as being similar to myself, so maybe I am pre-emptively othering myself from a group of people I admire. I don’t know. I struggle with the label and put it on and take it off all the time. It may not be a sensible label for me, as someone who doesn’t pass but has a passing partner. Does this actually make me a kind of femme? Who knows. Part of the feeling driving me into seeing myself as trans was that I was clearly “different” from butch women who supposedly had some degree of pride in their being; I felt insecure, sneaky, like I was doing something under the table that I had to let out only a tiny amount at a time. I still struggle with this feeling even though I am no longer read as straight except maybe by particularly dense or persistent men. I don’t like to strut or take up space. I’ve mostly survived by hiding, which is one of those feminine wiles, I guess. I like to admit freely I am still a mess in many ways. And I think it’s best to reach other female people by just laying out where I am at at any point, and if you relate to me you do, and if you don’t, you don’t. I’m glad BC is around because I think she does her own version of this, too.

[awetistic-things]

Hi! I keep going back and forth on the possibility of being autistic bc while I relate to a lot of things that are considered autistic traits (a lot of the posts from your blog btw), there are other things that I don't think I understand on a personal level.

Do you have any tips or advice to share? I'd appreciate anything really bc it's been years since I've started to suspect and I am not in position to look out for a professional diagnosis. Thanks ahead <3

hello!

i think a big part of figuring out whether you’re autistic or not is to research what masking is

masking itself is disguising autistic traits to be a more socially acceptable person. this can include purposely forcing eye contact, over apologizing, disguising stimming, holding in overstimulation, etc

when i first started to suspect i was autistic, i was often held back by certain things that i do not do, and after some research, i found out that over time i forced myself to hide my autistic traits in order to “fit in” thus making it difficult to get diagnosed

so that’s the best advice i can give, just research research research

some of the stuff i post is stuff you do so subconsciously you don’t even know if you relate to it, so that may be why you don’t understand some of them

if you have any more questions, please dm me /gen :)

[ofcaramelandcoffee]

i just. my therapist brought up the fact that i might be autistic. i looked into it. reflected. recalled my childhood and the things i changed about myself. looked at absolutely everything i do, think, and feel, in present day. compared ALL of that to a shit ton of research

and now each time i bring up a portion of that, it’s shot down or wrongly explained as something else

me: i wanted to look at the possibility of me having autism

her: i think it’s very unlikely because you make good eye contact and have strong empathy, and you don’t show any of the signs

side note: i don’t make good eye contact. because so many people forced me to look at them, i now stare and stare and stare and look right through a person. never at them. i’ve also taught myself to look at someone’s face but not their eyes bc it makes me so damn uncomfortable

me: i have certain sounds, textures, noises, smells, etc that i absolutely cannot stand and can have a meltdown over if i come in contact with those things

her: have you heard about sensory processing disorder?

note: i understand that sensory processing disorder is a Thing™ but it’s also commonly found in autistic people

me: i was bullied a lot for rambling on and on about things i loved, and i would cling to those things for years and years

her: oh so the mania as a part of your bipolar!

me: i realized, after exploring the differences between empathy, compassion, and compassion, that i very much lack empathy

her: oh well that’s just trauma, fight-or-flight, and growing older and wanting to eliminate bad energy/emotions from your life in order to focus on yourself

me: *actively holds onto something to stop my hands from moving, finally removes it and can’t stop flapping bc stress and my bracelet Feels Nice™*

her: oh, you talk with your hands!! i talk with my hands, too!

me: *explaining how i get very stressed with even the smallest bit of change to a plan or routine i have*

her: change can be stressful haha!

there’s more than just that, too, but i’ve only seen her for a few weeks now and i’m Frustrated™ that she’s pinning it on things that just. don’t make sense? and the fact that she just backtracked entirely on the whole thought

like there’s absolutely nothing wrong with being autistic, it’s just a thing. so why the frick won’t she listen to me— i understand and recognize the signs in myself, now that i ACTUALLY paid attention to what i do and everything i’ve changed about myself bc of bullying. i’ve had people comment on these things and so much more all my life that i ended up forcing myself to hide or change it just so they were comfortable

i’m not looking to be diagnosed. i couldn’t care less about a measly diagnosis. i know who i am

i just want it to stop being pinned to other things i either don’t have, or things that don’t spark/cause that behaviour in the first place

[akiiwan]

i used to be so much better & not as awkward at interpersonal relationships, social interactions/in social situations/around people in general... so much so that people(ppl i just met + those i consider acquaintances &/or friends) would even compliment me constantly on my confidence & ability/ease in talking to other people. hell, the last time i was employed talking to others was my entire fucking job.

even though i’ve known i’m autistic before i even knew what autistic meant, i feel like i’d doubt it bc of not just that but maybe also bc of having other traits that could possibly counteract that ‘diagnosis’. now after all this time i realize i was just sooooo much better & possibly even unbelievably good at hiding it. at suppressing n compressing myself to fit a mold i wasn’t ever meant to fit into. a lot of that time i was also drinking & smoking heavily to further escape reality that also fed into helping me just withdraw & hide within myself. i guess all of that coupled with not feeling safe in my life or safe around any person in it likely made it much easier to hide if not just completely out of survival

i stripped away nearly everything when i moved here. i don’t hide that i’m autistic, in fact i’ve done a fuck ton of work to embrace my nuerodiversity & make sure i’m not intentionally hiding part(s) of myself. it’s Hard work i do every damn day along with everything else i’m unlearning/needing to work on as well.

now i struggle so fucking much with connection/interactions & social situations. even just talking to people i may have A Lot in common with. i’m So exhausted after even just a couple of hours. believe it or not, even talking to people online is way harder/more stress inducing than it should be too. i have totally lost the ability to read people. so coupled with battling BPD, interacting & interpersonal anything feels like pure Hell. but isolating myself is Hell. everything feels like a bottomless pit of fucking suffering that i don’t have any idea how to escape from.