#batmantextpost

[thewaynemanner]

BatDad Jokes

Jason: Hey.

Bruce: Straw.

Jason:

Jason: Did you- Did you just make a dad joke?

Bruce: Yes.

Jason: ... Why?

Bruce: I thought that if I made a dad joke, you might consider letting me be your dad again.

Jason:

Bruce:

Jason: Okay so... I'm extremely uncomfortable right now and I'm just gonna... leave. *Begins backing away slowly*

Bruce: Bye, son.

Jason, slightly panicked: Alfred! Something is wrong with Bruce, come fix him!

[thewaynemanner]

D is for Dramatic

*Bruce on a video chat with Clark*

Bruce: I don't see the point in-

Damian: *bursting into Bruce's study* Father, I have just finished watching Charlotte's Web, I must insist you get me a piglet immediately.

Bruce: No.

Damian: But-

Bruce: I said no, Damian.

Damian: If you-

Bruce: No, now leave. I'm in the middle of discussing something important with Clark.

Damian: -tt- *Stomps off, slamming door*

Clark: The point is-

Bruce: Wait for it...

*Sound of doors slamming consecutively*

Clark: *Cocking his head* Is... is he slamming every door?

Bruce: Yes, he still has 11 doors to slam before he gets to his room, so we might as well wait to resume our conversation.

Clark: ...

Bruce: *waving vaguely to encompass the situation that is his son* He's a bit dramatic at times

Clark, under his breath: I wonder where he gets it from...

Bruce: *Bat-glare*

[thewaynemanner]

No one:

Literally no one:

Dick Grayson:

[thewaynemanner]

Timothy Drake and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Pick-up Lines

[Tim testing out pick-up lines at the Young Justice HQ]

Tim: The name's Timothy Drake, but you can call me Benjamin Franklin because baby, I'm about to light up your world. *Winks with finger guns*

Cassie: Eeeh...

Kon: I mean, it's better than the Benjamin Button pick-up line.

Bart: Yeah, and waaaaay less creepy than the Timothy Green one.

Cassie: True, but I mean anything after those pick-up lines would be better and that's not saying much.

Tim, dramatically groaning: At this rate I'm going to die forever alone! Unloved, untouched, it's a travesty!

*Silence*

Tim: Where is my reassurance!? You guys are suppose to give me reassurance! "No you won't, Tim. You're a great catch, Tim".

Kon, deadpan: No you won't, Tim. You're a great catch, Tim.

Cassie and Bart: *snickering*

Tim: Ugh, I hate you all. And none of you are invited to my future wedding.

Kon: What happened to being forever alone?

Tim: *Chucking his spiral-notebook of pick-up lines at Kon's head*

[thewaynemanner]

This just in from the Daily Planet, Superman delivers a sick burn to Batman.

-Lois Lane

Also... What the heck is Clark eating ?

[thewaynemanner]

Jason Bourne

[Tim and Damian reviewing security footage, when Jason appears in frame]

Tim: Jesus Christ, that's Jason Bourne.

Damian, confused: Jason Bourne? What are you talking about, Drake? That is clearly Jason TODD.

Tim: Damian, it was a jo-

Damian: Are you having a stroke? Or perhaps is it your inherent brain damage that I have been warning father about that is responsible for your abrupt inability to identify the black sheep of this family.

Tim: First of all, RUDE. And secondly, it was a joke!

Damian: -tt- Your humor is abysmal.

[thewaynemanner]

Damian: Drake! I demand you open up. I left Titus' hairbrush in your bathroom.

*Starts Jiggling Doorknob*

Tim: *Flailing in the bath* WAIT! Just... just hold on a second. I'll get it.

Dick: Hey Tim! While you're at it, can you get the Laffy Taffy I hid from Alfred.

Tim: *stops halfway out of the tub* You hid Laffy Taffy in my bathroom... where!?

Dick: In the toilet water tank!

Damian: 'tt' That is disgusting, Grayson.

Dick: I put it in a plastic baggy, it's perfectly sanitary.

Damian: Drake, this is your warning to make yourself decent. You have proven yourself incompetent in completing this simple task, I am coming in.

Tim: *hurriedly wrapping a towel around himself* Jesus Christ, Damian! I said just give me a-"

Dick: Dami! You can't just kick the-"

*The sound of the doorknob being kicked off*

Damian: *throwing door open* Where did you put- ... Drake?

Tim: *Deadpan* Yes, Damian?

Damian: Are you taking a candle lit bath?

Tim: ... yes.

Damian: 'tt' Just when I thought you couldn't get any weaker.

Dick: *Digging through the toilet water tank* Oh c’mon, Dami. I think it's nice that Tim is taking a second for a little R&R. It's just like how you like to winddown with bubble baths.

Damian: *aghast* Grayson! You were sworn to secrecy to never mention that incident.

*Jason walking into the bathroom*

Jason: Woah this looks peaceful as f***, Timmers.

Tim: Will all of you just leave... Please.

[thewaynemanner]

Dick: So how do I look? *Twirls*

Jason: You look like a prostitute.

Dick: …

Dick: But like an expensive one, right?

Jason: …  

[thewaynemanner]

*The boys after post-patrol showers*

Tim: *throws wet towel at Damian* No give backs.

Damian: <tt> *Throws towel back*

Tim: *Throws wet towel again* I said no give backs!

Jason: He did say ‘no give backs’.

Damian: *Unblinkingly throws towel back at Tim* 

Tim: Damian! ‘No give backs’ means ‘No give backs’. Did you not grow up in America?

Damian: No! You-.

Jason: *Incredulous Shouting* Do you not know our laws?! This is the American way!

Damian: … Father, I request you dispose of Drake and Todd at once.

Bruce: *feels a migraine coming on*