#based on something from an episode of drunk history

[enwoso]

I MISS YOU, I'M SORRY — alessia russo

based loosely off the song by gracie abram’s. i rewrote this three times and i’ve got it to where i’m happy with it. wouldn’t say it’s my best but hey ho. if there’s part that don’t make sense i do apologise i wrote some of this while being half asleep🙃

ANYWAYS hope you all enjoy! it’s a long one<33

masterlist

"i miss you" her raspy voice echoed down your phone, as she slurred over and over how she missed you. the sound of the music blaring in the background told you that she was out in a club.

whilst you were sat on your couch at home, in some old joggers and a hoodie which most definitely had toothpaste stains on it. love island playing as you were catching up on the last few episodes you'd missed, which was playing just as white noise at the moment.

"alessia, you need to go and find the rest of the girls." you said bluntly, the blonde having told you moments before her i miss you rant that she was out with the arsenal girls, which you probably could have guessed anyways after there win in the league early in the day.

but you also wanted to get back to your series, wishing you weren't having this conversation with your ex but you also couldn't find it in yourself to just hang up on her as you didn't want her to be in any harm — especially while she was drunk.

why did you still care?

"i miss you, y/n" she slurred out again, you could imagine the stupid dopey smile on her face as she said the words, her drunken ramble continuing, "i wish you were here, i miss your cute smile and, and those lips. i miss everything about you."

"alessia can you please just go and find the girls" you begged not wanting to carry on hearing her pleads but you also couldn't bring yourself to press the red button which your finger had loomed over for the past ten minutes.

"i'm sorry for everything y/n, i know you hate me but i still love you, i promise" the blonde slowly slurred out again as you could hear the pout in her voice as she spoke.

you didn't hate her, well maybe you didn’t, you hadn't quite figured that out yet where the blonde stood in your mind.

more just trying to space yourself away from everything that happened with alessia however that proved pretty difficult when you both played football, maybe not for the same team anymore but you'd still see her at england camp.

"alessia, please can you just tell me who i can call to make sure your gonna be safe?" you hated that you still cared, that you had stayed on the phone listening to her ramble drunkenly on about you for the past twenty minutes.

knowing that by the morning she wouldn't even remember it or anything she had said so why were you sat listening?

"can you stop callin' me alessia. i'm baby, less, darling, pretty girl, gorgeous—" she began to rattle out all the names you used to call her, opening up another wound you had spent months healing as with each words she spoke you could feel her opening more and more.

"alessia! will you just answer the damn question!" you yelled down the phone, cutting her off as the frustration growing in your voice was obvious, your patience was wearing thin. you didn't want to hear her voice anymore.

hearing the blonde mumble something about your bluntness, as she hummed on probably trying to figure out herself who would be the best option.

"lotte."

after the drunken call you'd gotten from your ex, you hadn't heard anything from her. not that you expected her too. she wasn't yours to be worried about, but it had left you confused especially over her words. they lingered in the back of your mind. what if she meant it. drunk words are sober thoughts as they say after all.

you knew now though you were just strangers who show up but don't matter enough to each other to be friends. however deep down you knew you had too much history to be just strangers.

weeks had gone since that night and you were arriving at england camp for the set of friendlies which were happening in sunny spain, arriving with the rest of the manchester united girls, you knew she was here. you'd seen it on instagram.

so once you arrived you could feel the tension rising in your shoulders and your chest. grabbing your key for your room and heading straight up there wanting to avoid any chance of running into her.

you hadn't seen her since december, in the home game against arsenal. you both didn't say a word to each other, you wouldn't even look in her direction. so the thought of seeing her again was sending you into hard drive, you weren't sure how you'd react, if you'd react at all.

getting yourself changed and flopping onto the bed you'd call your own for the next ten days. your body realxing into the soft sheets, as you began to flick through the channels on the tv hoping that something would take your interest.

however, you only got two clicks in when there was knocks echoeing through your room. a loud groan coming from you as you pulled yourself up from the comfort of your bed, dragging your socked feet towards the door and opening it.

"mary-"

"come on, everyone's waiting for you to come down" mary interrupted you as you looked on with a confused look, "what for?"

"cause we're watching a film as a team and if your not there then we aren't a team!" mary stated as if it was obvious reaching out to grab your arm as you nodded.

"wait! let me get my keycard!" you said quickly, stopping the door from closing as you heard a tusk of the teeth from the goalkeeper as she mumbled out her complaints. grabbing your keycard off the side table and slipping the card into your pocket, praying you wouldn't forget where you'd put it.

walking down the corridors of the hotel complex the FA had situated the team in, side by side with mary it felt a little eerie. something felt off but you couldn't quite put a finger to it.

coming out the elevator as mary continued to chat your ears off, about anything and everything. from telling you what she did last weekend to what she had for breakfast this morning. but you didn't mind, you would class mary as one of your closest friends in football.

she'd been there for you from the very first day you started at united, helping you settle in to helping you navigate your feelings after she happened.

although you didn't say it very often, you were very thankful for her and you honestly dreaded to think where you'd be without mary, even more so in the past few months.

which is why- you were brought out your thoughts as you felt yourself walk into something or rather someone.

"i wasn't looking- sorry" the blonde mumbled stumbling over her words a little as she looked up from her phone, a slight look of shock on her face when she realised who she'd actually walked into.

"s'fine" you said simply, taking in the blonde’s appearance a little. her hair scraped back in a low bun,

the shorter strands sticking out of the bun. she'd cut her hair again, you could tell. dressed in a grey hoodie and some blue england shorts, her legs bare as her socks covered her feet.

her blue eyes which you'd spent many of your nights getting lost staring into— why were you still stood there?

forcing your body to move, not before catching her disappointed look on her face at the few words you'd spoke to her. the blonde looking as if she was going to say something but her lips pressed back together as she carried on walking the way she was going originally.

"well.. that was a tiny bit awkward!" mary murmured as an awkward laugh came from her, you totally forgetting that mary was stood next to you as you tried to steady your breathing to go back to normal.

"well you could have warned me!"

after the awkward interaction with the blonde in the hallway, you’d noticed her small looks towards you before she would quickly look away. probably in fear of you catching her staring at you.

it was now down time and you were sat on one of the sun lounges, hoping to catch a few of the sun rays. with your book in hand and a fresh bottle of ice cold water you had your afternoon sorted.

glancing every few minutes or whenever a loud cheer came from the girls who were playing a game in the pool. your eyes immediately looking for the blonde before you would switch your eyes to someone else.

"why don't you just talk to her?" mary had noticed you looking towards the blonde, especially in the past few days. the goalkeeper being sat on the lounger just next to you.

she'd known since the day you joined united and no matter how many times you would say you were over the blonde or that you didn't care. mary knew that couldn't be further from the truth, she could tell. she's didn't need you to admit it out loud to know.

but mary had been put in a little bit of a hard position when the break up happened. as she was close with both you and alessia. hearing both sides of the story and giving you both advice which from the older girl you both valued deeply. however mary always claimed herself to be switzerland when asked who side to take.

the only side mary was taking was the side where both her close friends were happy whether that was the two of you happy together again, or if that was you happy with someone else. although deep down she was hoping for the first option!

"talk to who?" you tried the oblivious act, as you turned the page of your book. your eyes trying to follow the words on the page.

pretending you didn't know who she was talking about in hopes you would avoid the topic all together as well as hoping the conversation would change. but you also knew how stubborn mary could be.

"y/n don't play thick with me, you know who i mean" mary gave you the pointed look that told you she wasn't going to give up until you gave her an answer.

"maz i- i can't." you stutters over your words as you saw the sympathetic nod and smile that the goalkeeper sent your way. mary understood why, but she was also close with a certain blonde and knew exactly how she felt.

"but what's stopping you? i know that brain of yours has been whizzing with questions since you know, it ended on a sour note" mary began as you placed your book on your chest, turning over to face mary listening to her as she spoke.

"you don't have to magically become best friends or even be friends for that matter, just what have you got to loose by talking to her?" mary shrugged, as you hummed looking up from the ground. you knew mary was right you didn't have anything else to loose.

"mhm i'll think about it"

you were in london, not by personal choice. united had been playing chelsea in the fa cup. after a full 90' minutes on the pitch you had been longing for your bed since the final whistle blew.

but you'd gone out and had a few drinks with the girls to celebrate before returning to the hotel as the some of the other girls where going off into the next club along the street.

you'd just gotten changed and was about to begin brushing your teeth when there was a quiet knock ringing around your hotel room. at first you thought you'd imagined it but the knocks continued this time a little louder and more continuous.

huffing and placing your toothbrush on the side of the sink, "mary! i haven't got-" you opened the door thinking it would be mary asking if you had a spare key card for her room except it wasn't.

"oh" you whispered as you stared at the last person you thought would be standing at your door just past midnight.

"alessia what are you doing here?" you asked dismissively, wondering how she even knew where you were staying.

"um i was hoping to talk.. to you" you could tell she was nervous, her quiet tone which had replaced her usual confident tone not only gave it away but the fact she was swaying slightly from side to side. a thing she did when she was overthinking something.

"at quarter past twelve in the morning?" you pointed out tiredly looking at her as she timidly nodded before opening her mouth again.

"it's just- i've been wanting to talk to you for ages but it never seemed like the right time- and mary she said where you were saying-" she explained as you still held the same confused look still not quite grasping the fact she was stood at your hotel door at stupid o'clock in the morning but maybe that was also the alcohol in your system slowing your thought process down.

the blonde noticed the hesitated look on your face. "i'm sorry, this is stupid- i'll go. forget i was ever here. i'm sorry" alessia spoke fast, beginning to spin on her heel, not giving you a chance to respond.

but you quickly before she got to far away grabbed her arm pulling her back towards you. why? you didn't know yourself but something inside you was telling you to hear her out.

"no, i'm just a little shocked, you can come in" you said shallowly, moving out the way as the blonde wondered into your hotel room. taking a deep breath in as you shut the door behind you reminding yourself mental to have a chat with mary tomorrow.

"so?" you asked, hoping she would get to why she was actually here watching from behind as the blonde took a seat on your bed, you sitting on the one opposite her.

"i just wanted to see where we stand with each other-" the blonde started as you scoffed a small smile appearing on your face it dropped just a quick as you realised she was serious, "really?"

"yes y/n, look i know you hate me and you have every right to but i just want us to be civil or friends or something. i don't know" the blonde huffed as you nodded slightly with what she was saying.

a silence filling up the room, and an awkward silence at that.

"i miss you and i'm sorry for the way things ended" alessia admitted as your head snapped up. memories of the words she said to you when she was drunk flooding back within a second.

you paused, your head spinning giving you a slight headache, but that could also be from the shots you had taken mere hours ago. “i don’t hate you..” you whispered. this time the blonde looking at you her head tilted slightly sensing the fact you weren’t finished with what you needed to say.

“you don’t?” alessia asked, a slight bit of relief coming over her as you shook your head.

“i don’t but you really fucking hurt me alessia, i know you moved to arsenal for your career. and i’m not trying to take anything away from you for that cause i’ll admit your shining there. but i was your girlfriend. i thought you loved me and you just threw me to the side as if i meant nothing as if our relationship meant nothing!” you paused, taking a deep breathe as you continued.

“i had to ask your fucking teammates how you were doing just to know if you were okay cause you couldn’t seem to find the time answer my messages or calls..” you trailed off, your eyes starting to fill with tears.

“do you know what that felt like, to feel so un-important to someone that i cared and loved so much and someone who was supposed to love me.” you breathed out rubbing over your eyes to stop the tears from falling down your cheeks.

alessia looked at you were pure sorrow in her eyes, a sad smile on her face as she looked down at her hands playing with the gold ring that sat on her middle finger on her left hand.

“i didn’t know..” alessia whispered, still sliding her ring on and off her hand unable to look at you as guilt filled her body from your confession.

“of course you didn’t! you never made an effort once you moved to london!” you spat back, instantly regretting the out-lash as you pinched the bridge of your nose. before moving from sitting opposite the blonde to sit next to her on your bed.

“all i want is a second chance, just as friends nothing more. i meant it when i said i miss you” alessia confessed as you hummed. “i could say it a thousand times that i’m sorry for what i put you through but that won’t do it justice, i just want for our past to be put behind us.. and i would like to get to know you, the new you. if that’s okay with you.” alessia smiled as you nodded.

“so friends then?” you asked, alessia moving her eye line to meet yours her smile still on her face. “friends!” she moved slightly forward to hug you but stopped half way thinking she misread the situation spluttering an apology out as you shook your head wrapping your arms around the blonde in a friendly hug, pulling away after a few seconds.

“so do you still like ketchup with everything?”

part of you should have known you could never just be friends with the blonde. after the night where you spent with her in your hotel room talking the entire night, getting to know each other. rediscovering old habits and discovering new ones.

you found yourself wanting her attention. needing it.

after getting only a few hours sleep that night, you having a hard time saying goodbye to her after only just gotten her back in your life after so long. you didn’t want to say bye, again.

“i don’t want to go” you whined like a child as you slowly did your hair as a giggle came from alessia who was sprawled out on the bed.

“you have to though! we can see each other soon” alessia promised as you still sat tying a hair tie in your hair a huff coming from you. “but that’s too long!”

“it won’t be, either i’ll come up to you or you can come down to me”

and much to both of your promises only a week later after constant messages and facetimes, you found yourself at the blondes apartment in london. finding your first next free day and getting the first train down.

as you spent the evening watching a film, both cuddled up on her couch eating dinner which she had prepared and made before the night coming to a close and as you were going to the guest bedroom, her hand capturing yours and pulling you into her room.

you weren’t gonna lie it did feel weird to be this close to her after so long trying to distance yourself from her, but everything you knew lead you back to her.

you were lying on her bed face to face, as her hand gently came up to move the strand of hair from your face.

a small sigh coming from you, you felt at peace again. as alessia looked at you with nothing but love in those blue eyes of her, looking at you as if you were the only person in the world.

her hand dropping from your face, but before it could drop to its original place you grabbed it. lacing your hand between her, you noticing how your hands fitted perfectly together. together like a puzzle piece.

"i love you so much." she said quietly, a slight smile appearing on your face. but just as quickly as your hand laced with hers, she kissed you.

you responded with such enthusiasm that alessia was a little taken aback at first, but regained her thoughts and reminded herself of what was happening.

alessia was really kissing you.

you were really kissing her.

a feeling you'd been craving for just under a year, since the last time she set foot in your apartment in manchester. when she kissed you goodbye on the cheek, as you stood there shoulders sunken in and lifeless.

nothing could have meant more than her, nothing could have have more beauty than this moment. the way her hands pressed into your chest, the way her blue eyes fluttered closed. you fit into her like a glove, her kiss was like the beating of a butterfly's wings. so soft and wholesome until it became addictive.

and in those few moments you were reminded of why you fell for alessia in the first place. her scent was what you craved. you wanted to have her close to you, unsure where she ended and you began. you’d rather walk through hell again and again then lose her again.

her entrancing eyes, her captivating smile against your lips, her laugh when you did something silly, her hair which now hung just at her shoulder height as she looked at you, her raspy morning voice, her love was everything to you.

but your stupid, stupid lungs had to find air again, as you pulled away from her still lingering in close proximity to her. somehow alessia had moved position as she was now hovering over you, as she straddled you.

she was looking down at you with such an inviting warmth that you wanted to kiss her again, the silence still lingered as she pulled away you adjusting yourself to sit a little upright. a heat rising to your face.

"sorry, i-i shouldn't have..." you trailed of quietly looking at your fingers playing with the rings that you wore.

"what do you mean?" she said softly, watching the your worry struck face. "that wa- it's okay love"

"o-okay?" your voice was hoarse. you cleared your throat, laughing a little before she made the move to kiss you again.

"we'll take it slow, i promise. but i know what i want and that for you to be in my future and if i have to wait then that's what i'll do." alessia spoke with such reassurance and pureness, that made your heart beat just that little faster as you nodded.

a small smile coming onto the blondes face as she leaned forwards to place a gentle kiss onto your cheek.

"i love you, so much."

[jinitak]

Rant about the book Jom is reading

The book Jom is reading from is Khan Chang Khan Phaen, a Thai literary classic. It is folklore from Siphon Buri and was only written down long after it was conceived.

The story by modern standards is quite problematic, I have summarised the story below but there is a TL;DR below this paragraph;

Khun Phaen (previous name, Phlai Kaeo), Wan Thong (previous name, Pham Phi La Lai) and Khun Chang were childhood friends, Shun Chang is handsome whilst Shun Phaen is balding. Wan Thong would fall in love with Khun Phaen and Khun Chang would fall in love with Wan Thong and they marry but he was sent to command an army to Ching Mai. During his absence, Khan Chang came up with a scheme to get Wan Thong to marry him, by lying that Khun Phaen was killed in action, it worked and Wan Thong was unwillingly married to him. When Khun Phaen came back, he found what happened and tried to get Wan Thong back, despite him finding a wife in Chiang Mai already. He kidnap Wan Thong from Khan Chang, getting a 3rd wife in process. Each side would kidnap Wan Thong back and fourth a couple times which led to a trial by Phra Phanwasa (meaning the Queen mother), the matriarch of the Kingdom, which ended in Wan Thong being executed for not wanting to commit to either men.

TL;DR a woman gets stuck in a love triangle between a man she loved which betrayed her trust and a man she didn't love who treated her well but their relationship was based on lies. In the end she was executed for not committing to a relationship. (Who could blame her to be honest)

Parts of this epic is actually mandated in Thai schools (I had this for one of my Thai midterms, lol) and in the education system, they focus on the literary rather than the historical context behind the epic.

Many scholars such as Sujit Wongthes believe that this epic is actually a story about a fictional hero of the Suphannaphum Kingdom, one of the kingdoms that would become Ayutthaya in the 14th century. The Suphannaphum dynasty would rule Ayutthaya for much of its early history, which might explain how the story is so widespread.

Sujit believes that many aspects of the epic is representative of the early history of the Suvarnabhumi (not the airport) region, such as

Khun Phaen being a name for the Hindu god of creation, Brahma

Khun Phaen's magical sword, the "Fa Fuen" is named after an ancestral god of the Nan and Luang Prabang region.

When presenting the "Fa Fuen" to Phra Phanwasa, she placed it next to the Chai Si sword, which is representative of the Lao-Khmer origins of Ayutthaya.

All in all, Sujit argues that this folklore is more rooted in the ruling classes than the popular folk. This analysis of Khun Chang Khun Phaen is not present in the episode though, as this would ruin the mood of it so much.

But its inclusion even though it seems out of place (Suphan Buri is in the central parts of Thailand whilst the story is set in the north), is actually not that weird. In the period of the series, Bangkok has just had a major reforms to local administration, ditching the Mandala system in favour of western style centralisation based on colonial administration in the Dutch East Indies. This had the effect of Bangkok suppressing Lanna culture and a "Siamisation" of Lanna. Yai's family who I presume is local administrators sent from Bangkok shows this very cleary, he doesn't try to blend in with locals, he speak the central (Siamese) tongue and reads Siamese literature.

The inclusion of this epic rather than using something most Thai people already know to create the scene, it also creates the historical backdrop in which the series is set.

Thank you for coming to my TedTalk. I might talk about Sunthon Phu, which Yai recited whilst drunk and also talk about the historical context behind the series too. Please tell me if you are interested.

[ofsmokenandgold]

Land of Women - Episode 3

So episode 3 and we're still on the "Amat and Gala have chemistry even though she's annoying as fuck" train.

We get a nice little flashback that outlines Amat's arrival in La Muga and how he came to be involved with the house and the co-operative and Golfo and Montse. The women are great, doting on him. It does give us a couple of Amat mysteries - the child in the photo and the fact that he bought the house with several large bundles of €50 notes - which suggests that he knows that Gala can't really complain to the authorities about him appropriating her cash - because there would be too many questions. This scene also reminds us that you can't convincingly dye a beard. It just looks too uniform, no beard is a single color. I know they did it to telegraph the time shift, but it's just distracting.

I do like the village tradition of useless men - that's a very European rural thing - we have something of the same tradition in my family.

This episode certainly shows us where Gala got her tendency towards entitlement from, Julia trying to extort money from Andreu based on the fact that he "might" be Gala's father is decidedly sketchy. She's causing chaos in these people's lives and isn't even very nice to them. And, talking of entitlement - I can forgive Kate for thinking she can just walk into a doctor's office in Spain and get a prescription, no questions asked, because she's 17 and doesn't know any better. But did Gala actually think through what it would mean to bring a child that needs medical support to a foreign country where she has no legal right to access ongoing care? Xavi (the doctor) is a twat, but he's not wrong that he can't just write her a prescription without her medical history and proof of legal residence.

So Amat and Gala - this episode is interesting because she yells less, is less generally annoying, and we see real chemistry developing between them. It's interesting to watch how often Amat is looking at her mouth and not her eyes when they are talking. It’s such a subtle tell for attraction and he just nails it. And then we get the whole getting drunk together and being cute. And then Gala finds out that Fred is cheating on her, so he's a rat and she doesn't have to feel any loyalty to him. Which brings us to the "almost-kiss" on the patio. At that moment I was sold, even though it seemed a little fast (she was happily married to Fred less than a week before), and then Montse shows up and the writers throw that massive curve ball at us.

And for me, everything falls apart at that point. If they'd chosen to have Amat talk to Montse that night, even just to make an excuse for the evening and talk to her later; he's still hungover, he's not feeling great, he's tired - ANYTHING other than going off upstairs and fucking like bunnies five minutes after he'd almost kissed Gala.

It's unfathomable to me why the writers chose to make him look like SUCH a dick. Even if it's just a friends-with-benefits thing he owes Montse an honest conversation about developing feelings for another woman. It just makes him look like he doesn't want to blow up his no-strings sex on the side deal in case he doesn't actually have a shot with Gala. Again, it makes him look like a dick. Even if he's a still pretty dick in another fine selection of slightly ratty henleys (and that one lovely sweater in the flashback scene).

I have pretty much come to terms with it. but it's jarring, especially as I know it's only going to get worse over the next three episodes.

I have decided to work through it with a little writing-therapy. I am taking a great deal of delight in the fact that the entire opus of Land of Woman fiction on AO3 is going to be Amat/Montse for the near future (one story up there, more to come).

[shippergirl-14]

Stan head canons

Hii, these are a little based on the episodes and popular opinions, but I also wanted to share some of my ideas. I guess most of them apply when he is older. ( Also, excuse my bad English in some of the phrases. I’m not sure if it’s right)

Please feel free to share your own head canons ^^

He is the messiest person to ever exist. All his clothes are scattered around his room together with music sheets and occasionally cans from energy drinks.

He loves animals, especially dogs. He sometimes goes to the local animal shelter to play with them. He drags Kyle with him.

He also invites Kyle everyday to walk Sparky with him. He loves walking around at dawn since the streets aren’t that busy.

His sleep schedule is completely messed up. He stays up way too long even on school days to play video games or work on songs.

He either has too much energy for the day or no at all. There is no in between.

Whenever he has to do an assignment, he is always procrastinating until the very last day. Somehow he always managed to finish it ( sometimes with Kyle’s help)

He wouldn’t survive a day without music. His headphones are always turned up to the max, making his friends question how his ears are still okay.

His music taste includes almost everything and he couldn’t tell you what his favorite song is. He also writes his own songs and plays the guitar. He wishes to be in a band again and is trying to convince some of his friends to join.

He somehow is still the quarterback of the football team, but he doesn’t take it really seriously. It’s fun sometimes though. The school forces every student to join a sports club.

His best subjects are music and history. Everything else is pretty average.

He only drinks at parties or with friends, but he often overestimates himself and ends up drunk and Kyle has to get him home.

He has undiagnosed adhd.

He is really good at Super Smash, but sucks at Mario Kart.

Stan loves Kyle’s hair and always tries to talk him out of cutting it. ( he had cried once when Kyle shaved his head as a kid)

He is the cousin of Craig and also has peruvian roots. He can speak Spanish, but is mad that Craig is better at it.

He is bisexual.

He absolutely can’t flirt without making it extremely awkward. His bros are the exception.

He either replies to a message immediately or weeks later. Phone calls aren’t even let through with a few exceptions like his mom, Kyle or Kenny.

Stan has given himself an earring and wanted give himself a piercing too. Kyle stopped him ( fr don’t do that. Mine got infected).

He has the habit of dying his hair blonde whenever something slightly inconvenient happens and regrets it afterwards.

Stan used to hold Kyle’s hand whenever he had to take his insulin shot. Since Kyle once nearly died from his diabetes, he is a bit more cautious about his best friend’s health.

Almost everyone likes him since he is a pretty chill guy.

He rarely eats meat and pays attention to only buying bio products.

[fantaatix]

did moxxie know his mom was dead? (exes and oohs thoughts :])

returning from the depths to ask a silly little question. an inquiry. just a little proposal. something to think about.

until exes and oohs, does moxxie even KNOW his mom is dead?

well, he saw her shoe in the water, right? yeah yeah hold on just a sec. we need to get something straight here. the way flashbacks have been presented this season have some subtleties that i think are worth defining.

heads up this is a bit of a long one (i think about helluva boss too much and probably more often than i should), and it has a lot more to do with moxxie than anyone else i might mention. i know i'm definitely late to the party but i hold this episode very dearly, because i got into the fandom shortly after it was released.

you have been warned.

in "the circus", the entire first 2/3 of the episode is a flashback, and when we come back to present, stolas is waking up drunk, presumably having passed out; it wasn't a dream--he was out cold, and we see multiple povs. the history isn't tainted/altered by stolas' perspective. this all happened, this was real.

buuuut, in the next episode, blitzo is the one having a flashback. like, an ACTIVE flashback, from 5 or so years ago, triggered by the fake conversation he was having a moment prior;

blitzo: oh, uggie! you’ve gone and done it again! that’s the fifth couch this year! you know, maybe it’s about time i find you a new home! one that can put up with your attitude!

girl: i can take him, mr. ronnie! i’d be happy to adopt old uggie, and give him the attention he needs!

blitzo: yeah…yeah, ma-m-maybe you should adopt…

cue flashback, adoption center lady notes loona's "serious attitude problems", and how she'll age out next month.

"good riddance if you ask me, she'll never amount to anything much..."

with the last line, you can't really trust blitzo's pov anymore. what are the chances this woman actually said this? this is blitzo projecting.

he saw loona alone and in trouble and he wanted to help because he saw himself, alone, trapped, no one to love him. and remember, at the office he was talking about replacing her because of her attitude with clients. he starts panicking because he realises he may have hurt someone he actually cared about, and upon seeing her again he apologizes profusely.

so now it comes to exes and oohs.

moxxie's dad grabs him by the chin. "don't cross me…"

[edit: little side note--on rewatch, moxxie isn't shown to have a flashback the same way blitz has a flashback; crimson is 'experiencing' it as well, which means moxxie isn't altering the story, this all happened. we even have something to compare it to, because earlier in the episode when recalling his time with chaz, he romanticizes the relationship and we don't see chaz's pov. he has to confirm it all happened to everyone else.

all of the violence, cruelty, and criminal behavior moxxie is recalling was real, but crimson just doesn't feel bad about any of it. he is threatening moxxie with a phrase he knows holds importance to him. i think only now is moxxie truly realizing the implications of it.]

a flashback, from his childhood no less--likely memories he's suppressed for years. he's recalling all this, all these memories from when he was probably no older than 5 or 6. the pov of a child.

he saw his mom lead him away from his dad, he saw their altercation, and he saw his mom walk out of the door and not come back. leaving him with this cruel, dangerous, violent man.

little moxxie felt it was his fault; it explains the people pleasing, the fear of rejection, not feeling "strong enough". maybe his mom got tired of protecting him?

but now that he's remembering all this, this horrifying moment on the lake without his mom to stop it from happening, he remembers crimson's warning to him.

"let this be a lesson, moxxie…this is what happens when you cross me."

HE DID NOT SEE THE SHOE!

HE WAS NOT LOOKING! which means he has to assume, based on crimson's vague threat, that his mom is dead. she's gone. she was killed and disposed of, because she crossed him.

this is crimson's way of saying, "i killed her and i will kill you too if you don't start complying to me starting now."

he relishes in moxxie's fear. he knows he knows.

"oh, and mox...if you ever talk back to me again, you and that pretty little thing you brought here are going home in boxes...capiche?"

"yes, sir..."

and like that, he has control again. supposedly.

this is where crimson slips up. moxxie is not a little kid anymore.

if not for this little business venture, moxxie may have never known she was dead. sure, it doesn't take a genius (you don't just "leave" a mob family, clearly), but he had left those memories behind and wasn't ever expecting to return to that house.

he is a skilled assassin and now he knows what you did.

you hurt his family.

and you can hurt him, but you will never hurt millie. no, sir!

this is one of the most inspirational little details i've ever seen in media. crimson might not know it yet, but moxxie revokes his compliance. he stands up to crimson emotionally. and later literally.

"i said i'm not doing it, sir. i've spent my whole life being afraid of you, but i'm not giving up the only good thing i've ever had just so you can keep your fragile little sense of control over everything...millie is a good woman! a better woman than i deserve! and there's nothing that scares me more than hurting her, not even you! i'm leaving, dad, and if you or herpes the clown over here try to stop me, you'll learn firsthand just how good i've gotten at my job."

he throws his first threat towards his dad, and even when crimson restrains him, still, he fights.

it's comparable that freaky scene towards the end of tangled where mother gothel is trying to drag her into the cellar or something and she goes, "rapunzel, really. enough already! stop fighting me!"

"no! i won't stop, for every minute for the rest of my life, i will fight! i will never stop trying to get away from you!"

his confidence had already been growing since truth seekers, but it literally spiked after this whole thing, maybe a bit too much. he uses close-combat when dealing with the cowboys in wrath, he actively volunteers to go fuck up a guy who nearly killed him and his wife, etc.

he obviously wasn't ready to be thrusted into this situation, but i think it ultimately changed him for the better. instead of repressing all of these memories from his past he can finally learn to work through them more effectively, as opposed to blitz, who has only just begun doing so.

i think this is also why unhappy campers is such a slap in the face if you're a moxxie enjoyer. it's him at his worst (so far), but it's supposed to be. he's approaching all these new insecurities with confidence, and he made a promise to himself to speak his mind more often, but he ends up doing so in a way that hurt millie--his greatest fear. it's not him "out of character." he's learning.

both him and millie found new insecurities about themselves and they got through them, and hopefully moxxie doesn't care so much about what everyone thinks and millie realizes she's very much appreciated and important to the people in her life :]

okay i THINK that's all i had to say in relation to this post, might come back with some more moxxie/fizz parallels but yeah that's about all i needed to get out.

also this took hours (mostly because i get distracted easily) so consider following if you're into that idk. kay bye

[stormyoceans]

oh please please please please talk more about the puentalay kisses bc i am, also, severely insane about them

(the feeling! the physicality! the comfort!! god those are all such great kisses. also hoping for sea to grab onto jimmy too oh yes tho am not sure if the hesitancy before was just him or him portraying talay, we'll see??)

that could be!!!! as a viewer it’s pretty hard to establish if the physicality in a kiss is fully determined by the actor’s performance or if it’s partly due to directing choices, so it’s definitely possible for that hesitancy to be more about talay rather than sea himself, especially since talay isn’t as comfortable with physical touch as puen is, at least at the beginning, while sea himself seems like a very affectionate guy, at least now. i personally feel like both factors may be at play here, which is why im really curious to see how their kisses in last twilight are going to be, since in the mock trailer day is the one to initiate it  

AND SINCE IM INSUFFERABLE HERE IS MY PERSONAL ANALYSIS OF THE PUENTALAY KISSES BASED ON AN ASSIGNEMENT I DID FOR MY HISTORY OF FILM CLASS BACK IN UNIVERSITY 10 YEARS AGO

okay so, obviously im far from being an expert, but what i learned while doing my research is that there are 5 elements that directors and acting coaches usually take into account when it comes to kisses. those elements are:

prelude: it’s everything that leads up to the kiss itself, from the story up until that moment, to the emotions of the characters, to the tone of the scene;

look: eye contact is essential when it comes to acting, and even more so when there’s a kissing scene. we love consent, but the truth is that a lot of times the invitation for a kiss is made through the eyes and the emotions you can express through them (needless to say, jimmy is INSANE at this);

breath: it's whether the characters just dive in or if there's some lingering before or after the kiss;

rhythm: it's about the length, the pace, and the technique of the kiss;

surrender: this is what i usually call the physicality of a kiss, because it’s basically the way the bodies respond to each other.

a good director can play with all these elements to give a specific feeling and match the scene itself. that being said, let's start with the kiss where all these elements can't be applied sfjksgfj

the drunk kiss in episode 2. drunk kisses are hard to judge because you are actually supposed to mess up all the things that make a good kiss. if a character is wasted they're hardly gonna be able to communicate emotions through their eyes or have a nice rhythm. in this case there's also not much of a prelude since they've just met, but that's kinda the point: the purpose is to surprise both puen and the audience. i still find it an interesting kiss because of what it tells us about the characters (talay is more open and affectionate when drunk, puen is perplexed but doesn't get angry or push talay away) and i think the fact that it stayed with them for YEARS says a lot about the instant connection they felt between them. i also really appreciate that we get a quick peck first and then a second slightly more purposeful kiss, lips puckered and fully touching.

(hiding the rest under the cut to preserve some kind of dignity)

the greenhouse kiss in episode 4. HERE'S WHERE IM GONNA START LEAVING ANY SEMBLANCE OF SANITY AND COHERENCY BEHIND. im usually not the biggest fan of one-sided/sudden kisses, but this one.... THIS ONE!!!!!! the entire episode is a perfect build up to this moment, engaging the viewers since the very beginning ("so, they will fall in love?" "i guess they will") and raising the (emotional) stakes with each step leading towards it ("why don't we fall in love with each other?", "i talked about the one im hitting on", "feelings aren't something you can toy with"): the second talay steps into the greenhouse and puen comes into view, you can actually FEEL it in the air, that something's gonna happen. then puen grabs talay's arm to stop him from leaving AND THE LOOKS HE THROWS AT TALAY!!!!!! THE WAY HIS EYES SOFTEN WHEN TALAY ASKS HIM "ARE YOU MESSING WITH ME AGAIN?" AND HE ANSWERS "NO"!!!!!!! his intentions are written all over them, so when puen grabs talay's neck and kisses him you're expecting it and yet it still manages to take your breath away. sudden kisses are pretty much the only type where it's kinda acceptable to have a frozen physicality (so arms down the side, body standing still) because it makes sense for the surprise to be freezing the character in place, and while that it's also what happens here, i really like how they were able to somehow still make it feel 'physical': jimmy goes in so strong sea stumbles/has to readjust his position a little, the hold jimmy has on sea's neck is gentle but firm and establishes connection, their lips are fully pressed together, jimmy's nose is almost squished against sea's cheek, and for a sudden kiss their bodies are standing surprisingly close to each other.

the greyllery kiss in episode 8. when i tell you i start FROTHING AT THE MOUTH every time i see just how perfectly they constructed and directed this kiss to parallel the one in the greenhouse…. from puen's adoring look to the way he pulls talay in by grabbing the back of his neck to the camera angles, every detail is built to make the viewers recall the end of episode 4 and give us a visual representation of how much their relationship has grown since then. obviously the mutuality of it is the biggest difference in itself, but there’s also a subtle shift in the physicality to match that: puen gets to wrap both of his arms around talay now, and talay finally reaches back too. this is one of the cases where i do wish sea could have been a bit more confident in grabbing jimmy back, but at the same time i think the hesitancy makes sense for talay as a character, so it's not a detail that pulls you out of the moment and everything else is just PERFECT. the prelude to the kiss in particular is incredible, not only because of the confession itself, which would deserve its own analysis even just for how it happens when the lights are out, highlighting the fact that they love each other for who they are, no matter which body they're inhabiting, but also because the tension gets progressively built up beat by beat until you find yourself on the edge of your sit holding your breath just waiting for it to happen: i said i like you, beat, i like you even though i don't know what you look like, beat, even though i don't know who you are, beat, i like you too, beat, i like everything about you, beat, puen dropping his bag, beat, and when puen takes an audible breath in before stepping forward, that's when you can finally release your own. this is also the first kiss where we can judge the rhythm, and i personally think that jimmy and sea have a very good sense of it in all of their kisses. it's kinda hard to explain why, but it's in the way they can pace the kiss, and mirror each other's intensity, and switch the side their head turns while doing it. last thing im gonna say (because this is already getting way too long ;;;;) is that letting the sounds of the kiss be heard under the background music sure was. A CHOICE.

the bucket hat kiss in episode 9. [RATTLES THE BARS OF HER CAGE] DOCTOR JIMMY THE THINGS YOU DO WITH YOUR EYES!!!!!!!!! in this case the kiss itself is pretty short so it can't be judged on more technical aspects, however it does not leave the viewers wanting for more, because the emotions behind it already say everything we need to know. the adoration the longing the want the reverence the wonder the love.... it's all written in the way puen looks at talay. the camera focuses way more on puen here because the revelation of who talay is is, quite literally, life changing for him, but the lingering on talay's eyes after they part and the two of them remaining close to each other as if they can't bring themselves to move on tell us how this kiss functions as a seal for the many promises made between them: of going back together, of finding each other again, of their mutual feelings. also i can't really figure out if this is a jimmy thing or a conscious directing choice, but when it comes to physicality i LOVE how puen always has his hand or his arm around talay's neck. it's such a protective and possessive gesture which is meant to send a clear message, not to other people, but to the universe: this is the man i love, it says, and im not gonna let you take him away from me.

the bathtub kiss in episode 10. i feel so normal about this kiss it's honestly insane how normal and hinged and sane and fine i feel about it. like not to be petty but i have no idea HOW can anyone watch this and then really say that jimmysea can't kiss, especially considering it hits EVERY SINGLE POINT of what a good kiss should be like. the simple intimacy of taking a bath together, the shared joy of their success, and the teasing of the reward are all perfect set ups for this kiss, and as always jimmy has the insane ability to broadcast puen's intentions through his eyes in a way few other actors can, however what makes this kiss really stand out compared to the rest are the breath and the physicality of it. when it comes to kissing talay, puen is always diving into it like a starving man, and this time is no different, but unlike all the other times there is a pause in the kiss and you can actually see how much it costs them to separate: they both look like they're getting out of a trance, breaths mingling together as puen keeps his eyes closed for a little longer to pull himself together and talay blindly chases his lips for more, confused by the sudden interruption. this temporary pause doesn't break the actual rhythm of the kiss, nor it pulls the viewers out of the moment, because it's clear that they're both still very much into it. i will never stop praising jimmy and sea for being able to portray just how overwhelmed the characters are here, both from the kiss and the feelings they have for each other, and it also shows in the way they almost sound choked up as they thank each other. the kiss picking up from where they left it is the only natural continuation to all these emotions bubbling to the surface, emotions that are way too big to put into words, so they rely on their bodies to try to convey them. and speaking of bodies, this kiss is the perfect example of why physicality is also called 'surrender', you just need to look at the openness and vulnerability of talay's neck in that position, but even when sea shifts a little into a more comfortable one you can see how their body fit together and melt into each other perfectly. honestly the only thing that could have possibly made this kiss better was to have jimmy hold sea's face for a bit longer instead of moving his arm on the side of the bathtub, but frankly im just nitpicking here (monica aren't you forgetting something, one may ask. and to that i say YEAH YEAH THE TONGUE SLIP WE'VE ALL SEEN IT. NO I REFUSE TO COMMENT ON IT BYE)

the riverbank kiss in episode 10. as much as i love this whole scene, this kiss in particular is sadly not my favorite one, mostly because i think the editing and the camera angles did a bit of a disservice to it. i really like how it starts: all puentalay kisses have very strong preludes because they always serve a purpose to the story, they're never gratuitous (in this case it's meant to be a confirmation of puen's words and an omen of what's to come), and jimmysea can both convey so much with their eyes that you can actually feel how they're pulling each other (and the viewers) in to the kiss by the looks they share. it's when the camera moves from their faces to go above and then behind them that i feel like it ends up taking you out of the moment they worked so hard to build, because it completely blocks the view of the kiss in a very jarring way, and when it gets in front of them again talay's arm is suddenly reaching up to puen, which it wasn't in the previous frame. it's such a pity because i LOVE that connection, it's the kind of physicality that can turn a good kiss to a great one, so i do wish we could have gotten more continuity and a more direct view.

the reunion kiss in episode 11. it may come as a surprise, but i actually don’t have a lot to say about this kiss, mainly because i believe any technical analysis becomes pointless in the face of the journey that led them to this moment. this is their first kiss after being reunited, and if this were any other show, i feel like it would have made a big deal out of this also being their first kiss in their real bodies, but the love between puen and talay has never been about physical appearance, and we're reminded of that once again. this kiss is the meeting of two souls who have missed each other and find comfort in being together again, and i don't think it's a coincidence that this is the one time they are fully facing each other, with puen mirroring talay's crosslegged position on the bed. “from this moment on, it’s me and you,” talay is gonna say in the next episode, “talay and puen,” and i think this kiss perfectly represent these words. i guess i do wish, once again, that sea were holding jimmy back in some way, even just by grabbing his arm, but like with the greyllery kiss i think it does work character-wise, because while this is a comforting moment for both of them, talay is the one who needs more reassurance, who needs to know that puen isn’t gonna leave him, and all the gestures puen does (the forehead kiss, the handholding, the protective hold he has on talay while they kiss) are his way to prove to talay, other than with words, that this isn’t a dream: it’s real, they’re both real, and now that they’re finally home and together, he’s never gonna let anything separate them again.

the boyfriends kiss in episode 12. what's better than a kiss in the same place the universe separated you as a way to seal the deal on your new-found and hard-fought boyfriend status? NOTHING THAT'S WHAT. i do think, however, that this kiss kinda leaves you wanting for more. it's not a short deep one like the bucket hat kiss, but it's also not a full make out session like many of the others, and since they don't have the time to build a nice rhythm it feels like the kiss ends before it even gets a chance to start. this is also one of the times where i wish sea were touching jimmy back in some way, or that his body were lining more towards him, because physicality wise it makes him seem a bit less engaged in the moment. despite these details im still pretty fond of this kiss, mostly because the utter adoration in both puen's and talay's eyes before it makes up for A LOT in my book. also it's not really related to the kiss itself but i love the dark/light contrast in their clothes.

the foggy glasses kiss in episode 12. GAME CHANGING LIFE ALTERING MIND BLOWING. A CULTURAL RESET. we've all read about kisses that leave a character breathless, lightheaded and weak at the knees, maybe even got to experience some ourselves in our life, and i honestly can't think about any other kiss in television history that was able to perfectly represent that feeling more than this one. from talay's dazed expression, to his foggy glasses, to his messy hair because of puen's fingers running through it, you can actually believe this kiss affected him to such an extent. and how could it not affect him when the rhythm and physicality of it are INSANE???? the way puen is holding talay's head with BOTH OF HIS HANDS to keep talay in place barely gives talay any time to take breath and they're so close and entangled in each other that you can barely tell where one starts and the other ends. i love the wider camera shots of this kiss because, as i mentioned before, you once again get to see why physicality is defined as surrender: it looks like their bodies are almost melting into each other. it's not even their longest kiss, but the tension and the intensity are off the charts in every part of it. the single-minded purpose with which puen approaches talay at the beginning, eyes firmly on talay's face, never wandering from it, already lets you know just how wild this kiss is about to be, and you can't expect anything less from it after getting to see talay confessing to puen for the third time in five episodes. i also find it very telling that both the show and the our skyy episodes end on such great kisses, they feel like the testament of their love and the proof of how far they've come.

the beach kiss in our skyy. ONE KISS TO RULE THEM ALL ONE KISS TO REMEMBER THEM ONE KISS TO HONOR THEM ALL AND IN FRONT OF THE OCEAN BIND THEM. so anyway bad jokes (and quotes) aside, this kiss does feel like a sum of all their previews ones, maybe because there are elements in it that tend to remind the viewers of a lot of them: the drunk kiss being used as a set up for it, the framing of puen's face at the beginning being the same as the greenhouse and the greyllery ones, puen's smile before pulling talay into it being a little nudge to the bathtub kiss, their position almost mirroring the boyfriends one...... not to mention that it's hard to look at the ocean and not be reminded of other important moments in their journey, like the two of them promising to find each other again in their universe on the secret island and talay having to wait for the tide to retreat to go back to puen. the ocean of is also the place where talay drowned and everything began, so it only makes sense for their story to end in front of it too. the cycle closes with a recollection of the past and a promise for the future, the kiss itself, the mouthed "i love you" and the forehead touch letting us know that no matter what's gonna happen, they will always love each other like the very first day. much like with the reunion one, i think any technical aspect of this kiss becomes of very little importance when you're faced with the whole entire everything of their history together being contained in it, but let me just say, what a difference sea's arm casually draped over jimmy's legs makes!!!!! compared to the boyfriends kiss, you can see how the extra physical connection makes both of them look fully invested in the kiss and makes the viewers feel more involved in it too. as always the rhythm of the kiss is really good, and this time sea is the one who really shines when it comes to the look, because he's just radiating adoration love and pure unadulterated joy everywhere. not that jimmy isn't giving insane levels of emotions too, but im gonna end this mess with something deeply controversial: i know the fandom likes their long hair, but jimmy's bangs end up covering his eyes way too much and that is A CRIME.

[c-schroed]

Podcasts I Adore - Within the Wires, Season Five: Voicemail

What would the subversive artists think, Nan, if they knew you were coming to watch their show. All of these cynical idealists with their disgruntled disquiet, their painted bodies and disruptive language and grotesque dance? They would probably say “Who’s the cop?” And I would tell them “Hands off. She’s mine.” And they would not change the subject to prop stations and costume repair, because they fear arrest the way they fear a tattoo. It’ll be painful yes, but a proud mark of a proud artist. Their souls are made of leaves. Their souls grow and sway and change and die and rot and renew. Being prematurely plucked away is part of the profession. At least the fear of it is. Although I don’t think any of them have ever known anyone who was. It’s all “this one time in the 80s” or “my friend’s husband’s co-worker’s something was.” Artists getting disappeared by the boogeyman. It probably doesn’t happen, but what if it does? I don’t know, Nan. You’re not just some tool of the system. You’re different. That’s what we usually say, right? “Not this one. They’re different!” We can’t know that. But we can’t know anything. I’m just going off intuition. I’m relying on my gut. And my gut says “I’m drunk, Indra. Figure it out yourself.” And I did. I figured out you’re different. I figured it out based on your lips, because they’re pink and soft and they smiled at the right spots in the show. That’s the data on my bar graph. That’s my internal memo. Attn: Indra. Regarding: Hot cop, second row. Kiss that spy before the night’s over. And I did.

Sorry for the long quote. Originally I just wanted to start this review with

Hey. You didn’t answer. Hey. Nan, I wanted you to answer. Answer me, Nan. Nan. Naaaaan. like your name, you know. Short and simple but low and sweet.

But then I went through the transcripts in the gorgeous-as-always WtW Wiki, to find the exact wording, and I remembered that each episode is full of favourite quotes. Because season five is my absolute favourite. It's the peak Within the Wires experience, if you ask me. And I'll most happily elaborate why.

Of course, season five continues Within the Wires modus operandi of telling its story via found audio tapes from an alternate history. This time, we listen to the tapes of an old answering machine. However, this season comes with two narrative twists: Firstly, we have two protagonists, whose connection will unfurl in the course of the season, and secondly (and more importantly), this time the story is told in reverse order.

We start with an answering machine message from Indra to Nan, her former lover, five years after they broke up. Indra is at ease, she has a wife now and a teacher job she loves. But we will encounter other faces of her, too. Cold resignation, outright anger, drunken lovestruckness. Because someone seems to go through old answering machine tapes, in reverse order. Maybe to find Indra's first message? Maybe out of sheer nostalgia? We will not find out, because as usual in Within the Wires, we do not get much more than Indra's perspective.

Except that this year we will also hear a few short messages from a person named Gwen Nettles, agent of the Internal Investigation Division, the infamous secret police of Within the Wires' alternate history. And Gwen of course is somehow connected to Indra and Nan, as we will find out. But Gwen's messages are always short and mainly add some information that will make most sense in hindsight. In fact, one of her messages even made me fucking sob in tears of joy on an open street when I listened to it again after finishing the season's final episode. Because the timelines are just so marvellously connected. But back to Indra.

So once more, we're more or less stuck with one point of view. And by the messages that our protagonist leaves on mostly the phone of her lover, we witness an almost classically star-crossed love story. The ambitious actress of a subversive theatre company and a government employee fall in love. It can't go well for too long, we know that. And thanks to the story being told in reverse, it's not a secret waiting for us. Instead, it's a fascinating take on this kind of story. It has its dramatic moments (like Indra lashing out at Nan's answering machine in episode three), but thankfully it starts and ends just lovely. Hopeful and warm, with lots of little pleasant surprises.

And that is mostly thanks to the most darling protagonist a podcast rom-com can ever wish for. Amiera Darwish voices her Indra charming and mostly lighthearted, but always with enough depth to not make her seem stereotypical. Norma Butikofer, on the other hand, voices Gwen Nettles as good counterpoint to the main protagonist: Calm, professional, but also not devoid of emotions and needs. In my eyes, season five is even more character-driven than the other seasons, and its two voice actors do an absolutely marvellous job in making that work.

And when we turn our attention to the music and score of this season, we even find one more twist: In seasons one to four, the music was diegetic; it could either have been added to the audio by the protagonist (seasons one, two, and four) or it played in the background (season three). In season five, however, the music is not part of the found audio, it's just added by the producers for atmosphere. And don't get me wrong, it does a lovely little job in giving even more of a rom-com feeling, but it's also a bit of a pity to say goodbye to the more elegant ways of adding music in the seasons before.

But even with that little bit of a slightly bitter pille, to me season five is perfect. It excels at telling us a story of tragic love, and thanks to its rather unique narrative structure manages to have two positive and hopeful endings. That both brought me close to crying tears of joy. 10 out of 10 points, thanks for the ride!

< My review of season four

My review of the Within the Wires novel >

[yesyourstalker]

Taka: BOO

Neta: *gasp* COD fuck! takaaaaaaa! Mmmmmmm hey, You scared the shit out of me haha. Don't. fucking. do. that.

Taka: You know you're so cute when you're startled

Neta: yeah.... I get scared easily. What are you doing? in my store..... while I'm trying to close.

Taka: Oh you know I just I just came here to look around and stuff. One of my piano strings isn't working so........ Why not visit this lovely store and see if they have anything to offer me and maybe chat with the store owner for a bit. Maybe catch up from where we last left off

Neta: well, unfortunately we're closed and we don't have anything piano related besides a keyboard so you know you might need to go to a different store, maybe online get on your computer in your own home.

Taka: You play hard to get. I see that and I respect that but I'm just going to lay it down on the table. I think we have something

Neta: oh no no no we're not doing this

Taka: I was never really into the base player. You know they tend to be wallflowers and always so melodramatic

Neta: cod fuck off

Taka: but you......You're different....... What does your knuckle say 'back line' I'd love to know the history behind that tattoo

Neta: I was a backliner. Don't touch me

Taka: You're so bold. You're confident you're so extroverted but so down to earth you intrigue me. I want to know more about you

Neta: you don't

Taka: Your interests your passions, your goals what makes you tick. who is Neta Vern's . I want to see you again

Neta: no

Taka: Maybe make this a normal thing you and I. This could be love that I'm feeling.

Neta: ...................................................................If you knew the things that I've done, The things that I've seen and the environment that I came from you wouldn't be in here. Matter of fact you wouldn't even look at me the same way....... the Neta that you saw in that bar was just drunk and bored. And I guarantee that you would not love me if you truly knew me. You would be forced to love every part of me including the broken and ugly parts. Daddy issues, night terrors, flash backs, prolonged grief so much shit! I know the minute I have a panic attack or an episode you're out of the fucking door! The second I start feeling survivor's guilt and is unable to get out of bed are you still going to love me? When I can't eat without being fed are you going to still love me then? When I'm unable to take care of myself ?when I start smelling like sweat and pee because I stopped showering and catatonic?!?! You still going to think I'm intriguing when my beak is fucking yellow cuz I haven't brushed it in weeks!!? huh!? Are you going to drive my daughter to her mom's house for a while because her dad is suddenly scared to go outside the house and provide for her!!? When I have to be physically dragged out of my house to a hospital because I became a danger to others and myself!!??! Are you going to stay?!! Are you going to love than!?? Are you still going to see this confident extroverted fun-loving fuck you made up in your head?!? Are you still going to see that person?!!!

Taka: h-

Neta: you don't need to answer that because I already know the answer. You're not. You're not going to love me! You're never going to love me! and you're not able to love me! Why the fuck would I believe someone like you would!?! GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY STORE!

Mhai: ...................hey boss.......you ok? You seem to be really upset right now.

Neta: yeah! I'm fine heh.....*Sniff* yeah uh... wow! Heh that was a lot. *Sniff*..... I'm sorry you had to witness that... and hear that. Cod some of that was embarrassing. why did I say that? ...*sniff*...I don't even know where that came from. *Sigh* I'm gonna........ I'm gonna go smoke in bathroom maybe call my therapist. I'll come back when I stop shaking....... hehehe *sniff* Cod he's such a pretentious piece of of shit. I don't even know how he did that he just triggered something I don't know what.

Mahi: do you want me to fist fight him in the parking lot?

Neta: You're just asking me that so you can have an excuse to do it.

Mahi belongs to @fish-at-fish-fish-resort

[biblioflyer]

Housekeeping & Mandalorian

It was never my intent that this blog would talk exclusively about Star Trek, indeed my one mildly viral essay is actually about Captain Marvel, but wow I am having a really tough time with The Mandalorian. I see some stuff in it worth talking about, those with an eye for the symbolic would note a lot of heavy religious and messianic symbolism in the early episodes: sacraments, baptism etc.

Which is really neat. It always thrills me to see a very thoughtful approach to cinematography in pulp. Its why I have a weird soft spot for Zack Snyder. His movies are very silly in terms of plot, but they're visually interesting from an art history point of view. I needed a little bit of emotional distance from the high water mark of the Global War on Terror, but even the aggressive patriotism and military fetishism of Michael Bay's Transformers has its moments.

But in most other respects, I'm just not feeling The Mandalorian. The metaplot and the implications of what I think is going to turn into a trinitarian power struggle between Bo, Din, and the Armorer is kind of neat. The world building that is happening on the New Republic side is....something. I'm highly supportive of trying to "do a Clone Wars" on the sequel trilogy. That is to say, remodel the trilogy by creating meaningful links to other pieces of the franchise and reframe a lot of the story and emotional beats by virtue of these connections. Its what Lucasarts did with the prequels.

Yet, I recognize that there was some intentional cognitive dissonance intended in the way that Tim Meadows' scene was filmed. The way it has all of the beats of an office comedy without the laugh track. We are probably supposed to be horrified at how callous this bureaucrat is. Intellectually that's the case, but emotionally? I just didn't feel anything. I figured out that it was going to come down to a beleaguered New Republic lacking the resources or will to help Navarro.

I wasn't quite prepared for there to not be any whiff of sentimentality on the part of the requisitions officer. I'm not really a fan of this "meet the new boss, same as the old boss" kind of approach to the New Republic. I know in both continuities, this is more or less how it turned out, but I'd still rather see some sentimentality, some despair that the New Republic has too many fires and not enough fire trucks. As it is, it just seems to be reaffirming the overall gloomy mood of the sequels that everything the heroes did had turned to ashes long before the First Order opened fire with Starkiller Base.

Then there's the set piece action sequence in "The Pirate." The liberation of Navarro should feel triumphant. But it didn't. From the moment the Mandalorians embarked on Bo's transport, I had a sense that this was going to be a turkey shoot. The Mandos were going to waltz in there and be about as menaced as Chuck Norris assaulting a preschool at nap time. And I was right. Paz Vizla aka the Heavy, even tanks a direct hit from an E-Web, goes down, but gets back to his feet again in no time. After the battle he's walking and talking without even a limp to suggest cracked ribs or anything of the sort.

This isn't even Star Wars action movie logic at this point, Luke, Leia, Han were always on the backfoot and experiencing one or more reversals per fight which is what made their triumphs more interesting. They avoid major injury for the most part, but they also are frequently stymied from achieving their goals and have to find clever ways to persevere.

I get it, these are Mandalorians. The most feared warriors in the galaxy this side of the Jedi, and they were up against a bunch of drunk and disorderly pirates. Narratively speaking, of course it should be incredibly one sided. And that's a boring narrative! If you really wanted to establish how badass these guys are when they're working together in large numbers, sure, an establishing scene would be great for that. But this was kind of silly. Every last one of them is a Captain America right down to the bad guys pouring on a hail of gunfire that never hits anywhere but his shield.

Beskar is plot armor, okay sure. But like Captain America's shield, it shouldn't be abused. It should be used to permit the heroes to do things that nobody else could, up to a point. Yet, like Captain America's shield, there has to be limits. Those limits are clearly visible on every Mandalorian's body. Its the seams in their armor, the places where they don't even wear armor.

Also the capital ship nerd in me is so despondent. This series is leaning into the same beats as Rogue One and The Last Jedi where capital ships are functionally helpless against fighters to a degree that just makes it all the more questionable why anyone would arm them and send them directly into harm's way, let alone build some that are the size of major metropolitan areas.

Am I missing something here? I can see the mold of the emotions that I think I'm supposed to be feeling, but the liquid beskar just hasn't been poured in.

Do I just need to finish Clone Wars or at least watch that Mandalorian saga playlist on Disney+?

Anyway, more Star Trek content is coming. I'm going to watch the latest episode of Picard after I post this. I'm working on some essays pertaining to S1E4 but its getting down into the weeds on some of my thinking on how the show explores different ethical perspectives and uses challenging subject matter to do so and why I think its uncomfortable for OG TNG fans, but I'm trying to exercise the right amount of care and precision when exploring tricky territory while not getting too verbose, and its not going well. What I have isn't lending itself well to chopping it up into smaller, more topical essays. I probably need to be my own harsh editor and make some tough choices about where to cut and just link out to essays that are already saying a lot of the same stuff, just a little differently.

[mlobsters]

supernatural s12e18 the memory remains (w. john bring)

now mr ketchup has orders to kill sam and dean, will he do it or does he too decide to acquire some free will. the power of banging mary compels you!

is this like, a black philip costume? i still haven't seen the witch. but some day

DEAN I've been trying, Sam. The GPS on his phone is turned off, and there's nothing in the system about some weird guy in a trench coat getting arrested or turning up dead. SAM Right. Dean, it's Cas. I mean, this isn't the first time he's dropped off the map, you know? And whatever's happening, he'll be fine. He always is.

with his history, might also be a concern that he's not off making very bad decisions but hey ho

s12e18 / altered carbon s1 - antonio marziale as isaac bancroft

hey, cute sad boy with the curly hair was in altered carbon

DARYN Black Bill.

hey, i was close!

DEAN I already figured out a way to kill it. SAM How did you – you don't even know what it is. DEAN The Colt. Dusts anything. Work smarter, Sammy, not harder. SAM Oh, don't do the hot coffee thing.

dean's sure on a mission to get this waitress. and annoy sammy as a bonus

everybody's happy, taking the win

s12e18 / the magicians s3e1 ryan mcdonald as bacchus

upper midwest stereotype man was bacchus in the magicians!

and his character led to this delight (post) (they were drunk and trying to be "fun" enough to be admitted entrance by bacchus. srs nerds not allowed 😔

KETCH It's clear. Onward. Now remember your orders. By the time we leave, Dr. Hess wants to know everything about our "friends" the Winchesters – their allies, their habits. How does Sam get his hair so shiny? How many ratty flannels does Dean own?

hokay. tone, who needs tone. hodgepodge of cliches slammed together. but understandable that everyone is jealous of sam's luscious locks

DEAN So goat dude is just a dude? SAM Then who's the monster? Sheriff Bishop Moloch. God of sacrifice.

LOL so i played an absurd amount of nethack, a text based turn based roguelike thing which has a funny mashup of d&d/folklore/myth etc so i know moloch from that - where it was a background bad guy god and his realm was the underworld (checking results from last years nethack tourney and people that i knew back in 2006 are still playing)

is that supposed to be blood? is he dead again?

peppy jazz moment, again, who needs tone consistency? uh oh, mary and baby dean, is mr ketchup feeling something?

ok so uhhh i guess the writer had a completely not peppy fun spy moment in mind for this scene

ok, no dead dean, just bleeding with a tbi, no big whoop

PETE Hunting people. Killing them. The family business

so dumb and i laughed so hard

SAM Colt. Dusts anything.

cute

DEAN Next time you hear me say that our family is messed up, remind me that we could be psycho goat people.

also cute

this talk of legacy (and the music) sure has me thinking this is episode they carve their initials into the table. you WILL feel some feelings. let's talk about them dying and their memory fading away

we're gonna show you them as BABIES (with knives), FEEL THE FEELINGS. i was resisting until they intercut sam blowing off the bits as a baby and a grownup. brute forced a few tears out of me. (jensen mentioned he was able to snag the chunk of wood from the table after the show ended)

the music was less schmaltzy than swan song, where the baby clips came from, however that did make me cry because i stupidly watched dean beaten to a pulp via lucifer!sam tell sam he's not gonna leave him and then the big montage of clips of sam and dean that brought sam to the surface with just wind as the soundtrack (sidenote but they used the demon growl sound thing with lucifer!sam in that scene that was azazel/whatever demon prince they whacked/also in title credits s2 at least)

anyway, they finally leaned into the ketch being creepy, listening to their conversation with the bug he planted and creepily staring at the family photo i guess HE STOLE? the one dean's managed to keep track of through going to hell and being a demon etc etc. all right

this episode was all over the place.

[fuglyjeans]

yesssss to all of this. I love that you mentioned the tension between animal and man. That never fully clicked for me until you said that... I always assumed the anthro AU setting was a kooky vehicle for jokes and the ridiculous, fickle nature of showbiz. But it IS also a great way to highlight the tension between animal instinct and human logic.

To get analytical, and risk pulling too hard on this thread...

The Bojack Horseman universe is fascinating to me, in that it's jam-packed with references to real human history and pop culture, only a version where 70% of people are switched to animal versions of themselves (Quentin Tarantulino, Sting Ray Liota, Llama Del Rey, etc.) There's a kind of tension between the silliness of it all vs the practical implications.

We know Mr. Peanutbutter sleeps in a doggy bed, Princess Carolyn gets excited when she receives a crumpled paper as a present, Mayor Woodchuck can dig tunnels, and so on. But all these animals apparently are anatomically human from the neck down. We can be sure of this since in addition to all the characters having humanoid bodies visually and eating "human" food, interspecies sex and procreation is completely normal.

This begs the question, when did the animals become human? How much of them is human and how much of them is still a holdover from some previous stage of evolution? Which directly relates back to the questions Bojack wrestles with throughout the series: how much of this is my fault, how much is it my parents? Can I change, or is this just my nature? Am I responsible for my actions, or am I just a horse doing what horses do?

At one point, I'm not sure what episode or if this happens multiple times, he uses his species as an excuse for his drinking saying something to the effect of "I'm a horse, it takes a lot of alcohol for me to get drunk". To the audience, this feels like a cop out. but based on the setting of this universe, we're still not 100% sure. It's subtle, but I think that question enhances our experience as we follow Bojack's journey.

Here's a quick list of nuggets which hint to the animal evolution, or the idea of a past animal world separate from modern culture... i know im reading into these A LOT, most all of this is just funny joke material, but I can't help but find them really interesting:

The episode where Todd tries to save a chicken from a factory farm. Makes you think, maybe eating chicken/meat is a tradition leftover from times where humans were above animals

Dr. Champ being an equine therapist. He's identical to a normal LICSW therapist, but isn't held to that code of confidentiality because he's "just a therapy horse"

The wild(?) horses Bojack sees running through the desert. Are they an isolated group of horses who avoided change, or are they more akin to a nudist colony who split from the outside world? Or are they just a bunch of hobbyists observing a tradition...?

The fish background dancer in the first episode of season 6. This is so minor it's probably just a continuity error but I think she's not the only fish we see out of the water??? it's interesting how fish and sea creatures are able to come up on land and breathe oxygen, but land animals visiting the sea still have to wear oxygen tanks. Like fish have evolved to breathe anywhere while land animals just haven't yet

The ant society which lives underground completely separate from the rest of the world

Ok the first time I watched bojack horseman season 6, it sent me in a pretty bad depression spiral. But I just watched it again for the first time in almost 4 years, and it actually fills me with peace. I think I thought the show was saying no one can change, really; bojack will always be just some shitty selfish horse. He can try to do better, but he can't change the lives he's ruined, or outrun the consequences, and he'll always slip up. That made me so sad.

But now i see it more like... yeah hollyhock cut off contact, bojack goes to prison, Diane implies they'll never speak again, Princess Carolyn implies she won't work with Bojack again in the future etc. But at the same time all of these characters still express love to bojack and thankfulness that he was in their life. Even Todd is really kind to bojack in the final episode, despite having every reason to ignore him forever. They draw boundaries as they should. But there's still compassion.

Even though bojack has arguably lost absolutely everything, he's still able to find a little joy in prison putting on a play. And those people will still probably say hi to him from time to time... and after he gets out of prison, who knows, maybe he'll make more progress and find new people, start better relationships. He was already on the up and up... he relapsed, but honestly that happens. Before his relapse he'd been sober for like a year which is pretty amazing.

bojack is messy and his progress is slow. He's deeply flawed and no one is obligated to stay in his life, no one has to respect him after all the shitty things he's done. But what brings him true peace is being honest with himself about that... no memoir or dream role or Oscar win or long-lost sister or university can replace the peace of just being real. Taking accountability. I think by the end bojack is at least starting to realize that and commit it to memory.

I also think it's tempting to feel like post-rehab bojack is all better, he's a new bojack, it's unfair that the reporters and interviewers come after him to ruin his life after he'd just fixed it. He's not the same as Vance Waggoner!! But that's the thing.. even though it's hard, even though it feels unfair, bojack still has the choice to do better. He didn't have to do the 2nd interview. He didn't have to teach at hollyhock's school without asking her if that would be weird. He didn't have to do Horny Unicorn, he didn't have to go back into that party after reading hollyhock's letter. He didn't have to go on one last bender, break into his old house, call Diane and nearly kill himself. It's understandable that he did. It's painful and horrible. But every single time, he could have chosen to walk away, ask for help--maybe not from Diane or PC or Todd, but surely Mr Peanutbutter or he could have just checked into the ER for monitoring. And that would feel sad and humiliating and lonely but he would survive and come out knowing he didnt ruin things this time, even if he felt alone. Its ok to be alone. But he didnt do that... so even though i understand why "new bojack" fucks up again.... it WAS all still his own choice.

I could talk abt this show forever lol God

[moved-strabius-strawberry]

Madison: This sucks. Everyone hates me and thinks this war was my fault.

Dolley: It was you're fault, honey.

Madison: Yeah but STILL.

Dolley: I know, I know.

[akallia]

how to preserve a building, part 2

hiiiii I know it's been forever since I posted *insert queasy face emoji* I just moved into college, and this summer has been crazy. guys this might get a part three!!!!!! idk, I'm loving this burnt out reader, I empathize with her so much. I hope you guys like it!!! if u read this I'm giving u a kith

Pairing: Levi x fem!reader

Word count: 2.5k

Concept: deciding to let yourself go while maintaining your reputation as the university’s star student was probably the worst mistake you’ve ever made. but things get even more difficult with the entrance of transfer student Levi Ackerman, the only one who seems to be able to out-talk you… 

CW: language, alcoholism, depressive episode, elitist academia environment, ego problems (???)

Content UTC!

“It’s not a problem at all, Mr. Ackerman,” responded the department chair smoothly after a beat, the class participants back to their work. “I wasn’t expecting you to be here after arriving only a few days ago. What a nice surprise.” 

The mysterious Mr. Ackerman only hummed noncommittally, barely acknowledging her. You found him to be quite rude and presumptuous. You liked that. 

“And who, pray tell,” you began, intrigued, “is this Mr. Ackerman?” You tilted your head to address him, taking him in from out of the corner of your eye. The burgeoning midday light beginning to peek out from behind the autumn’s perpetually gray skies escaped the barrier of the blinds briefly before a cloud obstructed it once again. Oh yes. That’s definitely the man who was in your bed. You couldn’t forget someone like him. Once you saw him, he was in your mind’s eye forever. The only way you could describe him was pretty. He was pretty in a strange sort of way–all soft features and (presumably) soft hair that you’re sure you’d touched before but couldn’t recall. All that beauty marred by a permanent scowl. He was positively lovely to look at. You internally applauded your drunk self for your immaculate taste. You hoped his mouth was as foul as his facial expression. 

He deigned to regard you. “Levi Ackerman, Yale history department.” And that was it. He sipped his cup of tea in a manner you decided to call haughty. 

“Is that so?” Your voice petered off towards the end, deep in thought. 

“Well,” the department head interjected. “Let’s begin, shall we? Who wants to go first… Simon?” 

Simon, a quiet man with a receding hairline and a bachelor’s in library science, sputtered over introducing himself to Levi and giving an update on his thesis before opening the floor to questions. Nobody had any, and then Kristin was next, and then Tiffany, and then James, and then Zinia, and then finally to you. Thank the gods! Finally something interesting to talk about. You were over the moon to assess the mind of this Levi Ackerman based on the upcoming conversation that you were so thrilled to begin. 

“As usual, no major updates. Though I did come across a rather interesting phenomenon. I was visiting my aunt last week and she happened to be watching HGTV–you know, the home renovation channel–and she stumbled upon a most unusual show. I can’t remember the name of it,” you began, feigning thought as you made everything up as you spoke. “But I do remember that there was some sort of ‘expert’ who would come in and advise the homeowners on how to preserve their historic homes properly while still making them livable for the modern family. In the end, he only managed to convince them to uphold a few of the house’s original motifs–light fixtures, exposed wood trims, and so on–with the rest of the design elements incorporated into a more modern school of thought for interior design. The exterior, as per usual, was entirely squandered on white paint and hideous landscaping. I looked into the expert a bit and as usual he wasn’t an expert at all but rather a local politician who happened to have a penchant for his city’s history.” 

You stared at the people in the room, listening, enrapt, purposefully avoiding Levi in your visual sweep. You continued on, suspending your disbelief of their blind trust for you as you continued to spout bullshit on your way to the point of your spiel. 

“I found it somewhat repulsive that this house did not meet the requirements for the National Registry of Historic Places. The research I’ve done into the NPS shows that they haven’t even begun to scratch the surface of the qualifications for a historic home, and for the most part is concerned with zoning. Our politicians simply don’t care unless the people care, and the people for the most part, also simply don’t care.

“What I’m trying to say is that our buildings are being destroyed and our urban planners are woefully underqualified for the jobs at hand. Our cities are becoming increasingly unpleasant to look at and increasingly anti-resident. I dislike politics, but the power struggles of politics are the ugly reality of democracy. So I suppose my point is this: why is our focus in academia on academia alone rather than its real-world application? For all our talk of the classics, what use does it have to the general public?” You raised an inquisitive eyebrow at your audience. “Before you yell at me - for I know you all have passions for literature - keep in mind that most people do not possess high-brow academic minds such as yours. Truly and earnestly I ask for suggestions, for the language arts haven’t near enough reach in the general public. So… thoughts?” 

It was silent for a beat before the newcomer you had your eye on spoke up. 

“Do you people actually praise this sort of junk here?” said Levi, boredly scanning everyone at the table. “You just said words, I mean honestly what sort of cold-ass take is that? Obviously the public has nowhere near the level of arts appreciation as in previous generations, but honestly. As your peer, I feel responsible enough for the mush that has replaced your brains that I have to say something. I came all the way here to listen to her spout nonsense?” Levi uncrossed his legs, his perfectly ironed and steamed slacks creasing stiffly with every movement, and, without ever having set his cup of tea down, stood up and approached the door. 

He closed with a simple, “do better,” as those piercing gray eyes analyzed you like a hunter to his prey. You couldn’t stop the slight shiver down your spine at that look. God! You almost wished you had fucked him, even if you wouldn’t remember it. 

The group had fallen into a silence even more awkward and uncomfortable than when you entered the room, and that was really saying something. You relished in it, not listening to the continuation of the meeting with its undertone of quiet shock and confusion, and instead daydreaming about what you would say to Levi Ackerman the next time you saw him - if you did. Clearly he wasn’t pleased with you. But you honestly didn’t mind! You didn’t give a rat’s ass about anything you’d just said; you knew you were bullshitting and he knew you were bullshitting, too. Maybe. Maybe you had thrown an amazing job opportunity out the window. But you just didn’t care. 

The rest of your day was more of the same - walk around campus aimlessly pretending to be busy, drop by a class to TA, grade assignments in the lounge, and in general masquerading as your normal self. The act had been going on for so long you could almost convince yourself you really were the same you as a year ago. At the end of the day, however, it was exhausting. And if you were going to a bar tonight, you’d need to stay awake. And to stay awake, you needed coffee. Desperately. 

Your favorite coffee shop wasn’t a coffee shop at all. It was a quiet jazz cafe on the far north side of campus, the side closest to the inner city. On weekdays it was a humble coffee shop, but on weekends, live performances of any and every jazz ensemble that knew your city’s famous and historic jazz scene lit the place up like neon lights. It was your absolute favorite place. In a way, it was a bridge between your old life and your new life. At the beginning of your mental health bender, you’d stumbled by looking for a quiet place to smoke, but had been drawn in by the raucousness of the crowd. You had never listened to jazz before, or at least never attempted to understand it. But now that you knew what a saxophone could make you feel, you were addicted. Knowing that you had a place to haunt in the daytime as well as the nighttime made you feel less, for lack of a better word, crazy. This place was yours and yours alone. 

At least it was. For there in the back corner of the quiet establishment was none other than Levi Ackerman himself, in the flesh. You ordered your coffee from Ray, who began making it as soon as you walked in, and sat down at a small table near the piano. 

“Are you following me?” 

You hadn’t even gotten a single sip in before he addressed you! The audacity of this man. Clearly he didn’t want to be disturbed - this place rarely had any customers other than old folks, and it was silent as the grave most of the time during the week. 

You twisted your torso behind you to see him, draping an arm over the back of your chair. 

“Oh, Ackerman! I wasn’t expecting to see you here. You see, this is my place. Nobody’s supposed to be here right now except for me. And I’m not sure how I’m following you when I’m the one who lives in this city, not you.” You had to dip your toe in before you dove in. You hoped he was as testy as he looked. You liked a challenge. 

He set down a steaming cup of something on the lacquered wood table of his booth, gazing at you disapprovingly. 

“So you’re always like this.” It wasn’t a question. He said it as though he had known you your whole life. A small piece of you reared its head in indignation at the gauntlet he’d thrown down. But you grabbed that part of you and choked it til it died with faint whispers still on its parched lips. 

“I don’t know whatever you could mean, Mr. Ackerman,” you prodded. You had a thought suddenly. You knew your ass looked absolutely phenomenal in these pants, so you’d use that to your advantage. 

You slipped from your seat, coffee forgotten, and leaned ostentatiously over the counter of the bar against the wall to grab a lead sheet off the stack you knew the owner kept there, making sure your ass was fully facing Levi’s direction as you did so. You mentally thanked your parents for forcing you to learn piano at a young age and sticking with it. You would be every bit the show he believed you were. 

The piano beckoned. The lid was propped open and ready for you, the keys glistening beautifully in the dim, golden late afternoon light filtering through the stained glass windows of the cafe. What would you create today? A little thrill raced from your stomach to your throat. You prayed you would be reincarnated as a jazz pianist, for the one thing you believed you would never tire of was the freedom you experienced at a piano. It just couldn’t be beat. 

“Do you play, Levi?” You purred. You had no clue where the sudden seductiveness came from but you were rolling with it now. You were in too deep at this point. 

You were met with the same cool, even stare as before when you glanced back to make sure you still had his attention. 

“Yes,” he responded. Short and succinct. Wonderful. 

“Do you like Duke Ellington? Answer correctly please.” You set about with the melody of In A Sentimental Mood. You could almost feel the echoes of previous performances as you played, a memory of a saxophone solo playing on top of your fingers as they lazily traveled across the keys. 

“I can’t say I’m well acquainted with jazz, so I suppose it depends on how well you play whatever song you’re playing,” he retorted swiftly. There was an edge to his voice you decided you liked. You saw him sip his tea out of the corner of your eye as you continued onward, not really needing the lead sheet after hearing so many iterations of the song so many times. 

You hummed. “The Duke is one of the greats. Start with him if you’re interested. My personal favorite is Chet Baker, but I’m sure you don’t trust anything I say after earlier, no?” Your sentences were dotted with measures of rest as you focused on injecting a piece of you into the song. A lead sheet is just a lead sheet at the end of the day. The melody is just the blueprint. You would have to build the house. 

Levi didn’t answer immediately as he usually did, and so you brought the song to a close and reverently shut the fallboard before swiveling your body around the piano bench to face him fully. 

“I know you’re just messing with everyone,” he said finally, eyes never leaving you. You felt a bit breathless at the intensity of his eye contact, not used to such real, genuine attention. “What’s your deal?” 

Your eyes widened a bit in surprise. “My deal?” You laughed. “Academia is a joke. I’m sick of pandering to people with heads so far up their asses they don’t know which way their head was to begin with. It makes me sick.” You twisted your hair with your fingers, eager to find a distraction from what you thought would be your next conquest but now seemed a different beast entirely. 

His replies were back to their original promptness. “I agree with you.” 

“Oh?”

“I understand. I used to be you.” 

You paused, gauging where this was going. “What changed?” You asked, genuinely intrigued. 

His expression didn’t change, but you felt the shift in his mood at the question. You decided that this was getting too deep, and instead focused on his hands wrapped around the mug he held and what they would feel like if–

“That’s none of your business.” 

“Fair enough,” you sighed. “I don’t know what I expected anyways. Nobody really interests me these days.” You slunk back to your seat to a now-cold cup of coffee, defeated. 

“That’s not what you were saying when I was in your bed last week.” 

You about had a stroke. “Pardon me?” 

“You know what I’m talking about. It doesn’t matter. I’ll see you around.” He gracefully took his exit from the booth, and you watched with an open mouth as he slung a tweed jacket over his shoulders and left without a word nor a backward glance. 

“Ray,” you shouted, hoping he wasn’t taking a smoke break. “Can you pour me a cold one, please? I could really use it.” 

Maybe things would get interesting around here for once.

Previous Part

[marvelslut16]

Shoebox apartment

Prompt number: 29 "Why are we whispering?"

Fandom: Stranger Things

Paring: Jonathan Byers x reader

Rating: T

Word count: 1.4k-ish

Warnings: Nancy bashing. Underage drinking, technically. Mentions emotional/mental abuse from a parent. Jonathan is kinda ooc because he's aged up technically, and it's my first time writing him without it being based in an episode. I think that's it. A horrible title.

A/N: So this is a few days late, whoops. I have been super busy this past week, so my day 1 is late. But, I will be posting days two and three tomorrow, so I'll be all caught up! I've had this idea in my head since I watched this show for the first time in 2019, and I finally put it into words!

You met Jonathan in your first class freshman year at NYU, you sat next to him in art history 101, and he was in your photography 102 class as well. You tried talking to him at your table in art history, but all he did was give you a quick look and then he buried his face in his beat up rented textbook. The first time you talked to him was in the dark room, he accidentally grabbed one of your photos and you had to ask for it back. For whatever reason that kickstarted your guys’ friendship, after that you’d take pictures together, you’d study together, and you’d eat lunch and dinner in the cafeteria together.

No matter how close the two of you got, he always seemed guarded and like he was keeping something from you. But you never pushed, if he trusted you enough to open up completely, he would do it on his own time. He did tell you about his father and how horrible he was one night when you were drunk on cheap beer from a bar that doesn’t card. Now going into your sophomore year, the two of you decide to live off campus in an apartment together. After some mix-up with the landlord thinking you're a couple, he ended up renting you a studio instead of the one bedroom apartment the two of you were going to squeeze into.

Your little shoebox is only big enough for one bed, and since the futon Jonathan bought at the thrift store broke a day after buying it, you two are sharing a bed at the moment. Not that you care too much, he’s like your own personal space heater, and neither of you mind if you wake up cuddled up together. Right now the two of you are sitting in the bed, you up against your headboard with your legs extended in front of you and Jonathan sitting cross leg at the foot of his side of the bed, drinking the champagne that Joyce gave you when you and Jonathan signed your one year lease.

You're laughing as Jonathan tells you about a stupid thing a classmate said in his English class today, head tilted back and eyes squinted from the wide smile. You’re pulled from your laugh at the familiar sound of a camera’s shutter, you make a face at him for taking your picture for the thousandth time, and his response is taking a picture of your pout. Your studio apartment is filled with at least twenty pictures you took in central park last year, and close to ten pictures Jonathan took of you doing mundane tasks, such as studying or cooking dinner for the two of you, or pictures of you taking pictures.

“So what made you get into photography, you’ve never really told me,” you muse, grabbing the champagne bottle off of the floor and topping your glass off. “Don’t get me wrong, your pictures are amazing! But what made you start taking pictures?”

“I don’t know,” Jonathan murmurs, finger circling the lip of the coffee mug holding his champagne. “I guess- I guess it has to do with what I went through at home. With my dad leaving and how distant my mom could be at times, I just wanted to capture and immortalize moments in time. That’s why I like taking pictures of people, the camera can capture someone’s most authentic self.”

“That makes sense,” you take a sip of your drink again. “I know I don’t know everything, but I am sorry for the horrible things that you had to go through in Indiana.

“What about you,” he ignores your apology, not that that surprises you too much.

“What about me?” you giggle, the bubbles from the champagne making you extra bubbly.

“Why did you get into photography? Don’t get me wrong, your pictures are great,” he teases you.

“Well,” you let out an awkward huff of a laugh. “My home life wasn’t that great, my parents were constantly screaming at me and blaming me for every problem they encountered. And photography, it was my escape, it was something that I thrived at and that my parents couldn’t ruin for me. I suppose that’s why I favor landscapes and architectural photos, there’s no human tainting the image. You can’t immortalize someone in film and see them days, months, or years later, after they’ve hurt you.”

“We’re both fucked up,” Jonathan says with a laugh, setting his mug and camera and the floor before moving to sit against the headboard next to you.

“I heard somewhere that broken people fix each other,” you respond, leaning your head against your headboard and staring at the ugly popcorn ceiling above you.

“I think you’re right, before I met you last year I doubted that. I thought I knew the person who was supposed to heal me in high school, but I was wrong, and now I think you’re that person. My high school girlfriend, Nancy, I really thought she was the one. But now I realize that we were only together because we understood what the other was going through at that time. After my family moved away from Indiana I realized that was the only reason we were actually together, we really had nothing in common, and I realized how self absorbed she really was. She used to always just throw the door to the dark room at our work without letting me cover my photo paper and developing pictures-”

“No! That’s so wrong! Photo paper is so expensive, and she just goes around throwing doors open and ruining your pictures! She didn’t even care enough about your work, your passion, enough to knock on the door!” Jonathan laughs at how fired up you’re getting over this, he’s happy that someone finally understands how important his pictures are to him.

“She also got us fired from our jobs that summer, she cared more about her own intuitions than she did my feelings or how I needed my job when she didn’t need hers. After I moved away all she would talk to me about was what was happening at school, or what her brother did that annoyed her, she’d pretty much just sit and complain to me every phone call. She never asked me how I was, what it was like adjusting to a brand new state. After I realized how self absorbed she was I broke up with her, she yelled at me for leaving her high and dry, and we haven't talked since.

“Damn,” you whisper, you know not to say sorry because he’ll just brush it off and get all awkward again. “Just know I’d never get you fired, or ruin the photos you're developing.”

“I know you never would,” he whispers back, you turn your head to face him. Jonathan turns to face you too, your faces inches apart from each other, a lot closer than you’ve ever been before.

“Why are we whispering?” you quietly ask, and you swear his eyes quickly flick down to your lips as you talk.

“I don’t know,” he whispers again, this time your heart spikes when he noticeably looks at your lips.

Without thinking, your tongue runs over your bottom lip and Jonathon lets out a little groan. You can’t help the little whimper that escapes in response to his groan. This is all you’ve wanted since you became attached at the hip, you wanted him. Your landlord thinks you're together, Joyce lectured you two on how important it is to be safe, and Will teased Jonathan about living in such close quarters with you when they thought you were out of earshot. Maybe he likes, no, loves you as much as you love him.

While you're engrossed in your own thoughts, Jonathan leans even closer, his mouth a breath away from yours, before gripping the back of your neck and pulling you to his lips. This kiss is awkward and short, exactly what you would expect from a first kiss. You barely let him pull away from you before you’re cupping his cheek and pulling him back in for a much more heated kiss.

[storiesofsvu]

happy thursday its l& o time

spoilers thoughts opinions and random ramblings under the cut

Okay, I know they’re undercover but OC seems to be shoving Jet & Jamie together and that gives me the ick because the actors are like, 13 years apart or something. And I get we can age up or down, but I always base of the actors ages so im uncomfortable here…. LOL.

Man… these guys are always SO obvious when they’re trailing, or like, staking someone out from a car, also, ive seen this chase scene already so I know what’s up, BUT, also ive gotta say, her little parkouring is literally just flashy, it’s not saving her ANY time than if she was just continuing to run. If she wasn’t showing off, she probably could’ve escaped.

Okay…does this case/jewelry shit have ANYTHING to do with the casino bitches?? Or are we now doing one BIG case/arc in the background for the entire season and smaller cases for each episode or two? Like the showrunners don’t know what they’re doing with OC….

Well that was some lazy explanation to cover stablers mom not being there and Eli’s in COLLEGE? Are we SURE? Is the math correct on that?

Yeah this Italian chick is annoying, I do not trust her, and she’s literally an olivia knockoff (again, no bensler shipping here…) BUT REALLY?? *sigh*

AYANNA!!!! FUCKKKK!!!! Dem HIPS girl!! I am looking *disrespectfully*

Okay…Jet clearly isn’t the same age of Ainsley if jet was married when she was 20 and it’s clearly been a while now. I don’t like that….

Is this…like..trafficked girl UC cop breaking cover to help her, has a kid back home… is this not the EXACT plot line from last season with elliot and that girl from the diner? This is lazy…just lazy…im literally only here for Ayanna and jet

Fuck AYANA is so pretty! (and also clearly divorced because no lesbian is doing their nails like that….)

Okay. I got bored during a commercial break and looked it up. Eli was born in s9 ep Paternity. That aired in 2007. It’s 2022. ELI IS FUCKIN 15 YEARS OLD AND HE LAZY WRITING/NOT CARING ABOUT SHIT LIKE THIS MEANS that he’s in college, in a different state, at 15. Not to mention… he was only 3 years old when he moved to Italy, he would’ve gone to Italian schools, he would have an Italian accent. Jfc. Why couldn’t they just say that he went to live with Kathleen??

 Okay…mothership time.

 Lets be honest, I’m not paying attention to this shit until Samantha’s on screen so I doubt I’ll have much to say LOL.

JFC there are SO many extras/guest stars that have been on a l&o show multiple times before. This is getting ridiculous. Can some more actors relocate to nyc pls?

Ugh can we stop bringing up covid please?? I know it’s all “pull from reality” but cmon…

OH MY GOD A PURPLE SUIT SAM?!?! FUCCCCCKKK ME!

Okay….okay…hear me out… if I end up writing power high femme sam x casual/bottom muncy….don’t come for me…..

“met the old fashioned way, drunk as hell in a biker bar in queens” fuck I love kate

Also there was a whole lot of shying away from terms of specific gender in that dating/partner talk…and tonights ep was directed by the person who played the og lesbian in this franchise… THAT’S SUSPICIOUS…

SAM!! NOW THE TURQUOISE!!??? DID SHE RAID RITAS CLOSET THIS WEEK OR SOMETHING?!!?! (I LOVE IT)

Okay…imma need WAY more background info on what sam’s story is… cause I just know there’s some shit that’s gone down, like I want that history…

Okay. SVU here we go!

Is amanda gonna fangirl tonight or is muncy gonna take that spot? Cause we all know molly loves sports and they do like to add/write in things of the personal actors lives…

I stand corrected… its joe… awe.. poor guy’s by himself?? You KNOW one of the girls would’ve gone with him!

What hotel did they film at? I need to know for fic reasons…wait…is this the homeland hotel…?? (s6 when they were in nyc)

Mothership ended with Sam saying she had a date, the perp in svu mentions having a date and you tell me why im expected sam to pop up over here LOL.

Yaaaasss molly coming in with the title card! A kween!  (truly did think we’d have to wait until after amanda was gone but I guess I was wrong about that)

Okay, called muncy being an American football fan, adore that they added that in there.

I LEGITIMATELY CANNOT TELL IF THESE TWO ARE SUPPOSED TO BE FLIRTING OR IF THEY’RE SUPPOSED TO HAVE BROTHER/SISTER SASSY VIBES!!?!????

Octavio with the fucking *hand* thing again jesus

LOL fin… I love you… sweet talkin and bringing people food to get ahead in the case LOL

 UGH FUCKING MCGRATH CAN YOU PLEASE GO OFF A CLIFF ALREADY?!?

Muncy simply cannot be straight when she’s sitting on desks like that…. That IS A QUEER

GRACE FINALLY GOT HER CHEETOS!! YAY!

“the vending machine was out of kale” LOL also lol to joe being all health conscious…

THE BRIGHT TEAL HENLEY!! PLEASE!! JOE!! I AM WEAK

Omg grace fake fangirling, I love it

Where the fuck is carisi??

Dude…. You KNOW the cops are there..why the fuck are you now pulling a gun??

Okay so I will admit, I wasn’t paying too much attention to the case at hand, or the perp, like im literally just here to thirst over people at this point but that wasn’t a bad episode. Definitely the best out of the three for tonight. Still pissed that we don’t seem to get to go to court anymore. I also DESPERATELY miss the recurring guest stars that came along with court rooms, defence attorneys and judges and the like. *sigh* maybe next week. 2 more eps with amanda. Do we think they’ve been clowning us with those BTS pictures/videos or will that shit actually happen?

[snickerdoodlles]

hi I am intrigued by wibble wobbles the nines are gone, what is this? 👀

omg okay, so that's my v ridiculous name that i came up with when i was sleep drunk at 3.30am for the episode 9...not rewrite, because i adore ep9, but it's a 'what if' reimagining i first outlined here. there's a lot of things fueling this WIP--a large part of it is need for more inkpa (a (very) small snippet here), as well as more Pran & Paa with a good side dose of Ming learning Pran's always been there for Paa in a helpful capacity. I think it'd also lead to more of Pran being an emotional support for Pat as he faces an old fear and struggle, which is always good. But another part of my drive is based around how despite the fact that Pat getting shot is a hilarious Romeo & Juliet parallel to me and i get so much fuel from that scene for fics, wrapping Wai's reconciliation into it almost makes it too dramatic to have the desired impact

i actually really like how the resolution with Wai happened in canon. it happens to a lot of parallels to my own relationship and past outing issues with my brother, so it resonates really well for me. i like that we get to see Wai fully support and comfort Pran in a way he hadn't really done so prior to that episode. i think Wai's a neat character and i have a soft spot for characters that are their own worst enemies. but ep9 as it stands is still the messiest episode of the series, and i think the sheer drama of the shooting scene & near arrest flattens both Wai and Pran during their reconciliation arc. i also want Pran to get to express some of his anger in a way beyond forcing his friends to deal with him being grossly in love Pat and for them to have a proper talk.

i apologize in advance because i can tell im building up to a long ramble, but i've been in a rut of Pran & Wai feelings lately, specifically around how their resolution played out in canon. not to start with the hot stone in this, but i think a lot of people were so angry at Wai for dropping the curtain in ep8, that they kinda...totally skipped over just what was revealed in Wai's POV of it in ep9?

like take a second to stand in Wai's shoes--you overhear your best friend since high school tell the guy that you hate that "you're my boyfriend. i'm scared of people knowing, but i care about you more."

and he says that to him, even though you have noticed something's up with him and asking if he's okay for more than a year

Wai's been looking out for Pran for ages. he knows Pran holds his feelings to his chest, so he's really careful about how he asks and pushes Pran to reveal what he's thinking. but he asks Pran what's been weighing on his mind before the beach trip, during the beach trip, when he's trying to compose the play's score, before Pran lies to him to bail on getting drinks with him to go on a date with Pat, during the not-a-date ramen competition (& Pran has been using him to tease Pat btws), when the two of them go get drinks before Pran bails on him to go comfort Pat. Wai has been asking Pran to open up for a really fucking long time, but respected the fact that his friend wasn't ready to open up to him about what he's wrestling with. but then Wai hears his best friend tell his 'enemy' that he cares about him more than his fear, which unfortunately has the unintentional double implication that Pran doesn't care about Wai more than his fear (which isn't true, but again: Wai doesn't know about Pran and Pat's history, because Pran's lied about it from the start)

does any of this justify him outing Pat and Pran? absolutely not. should he have talked to Pran about his hurt feelings instead of cutting himself off from Pran? YEAH. but Wai's not wrong for feeling hurt by the situation either. Pran's 10000% right to call Wai out for making it difficult to discuss his relationship with Pat to him, but we also can't ignore the fact that Pran's tendency to hide and lie to avoid difficult/emotional situations didn't help things either.

as episode 9 stands, a lot of the nuance in Pran & Wai's discussions gets a little lost imo. i love how it starts--Pran reaching out to Wai first is so good and amazing to me. i LOVE this subtle building of Pran's character and the implications it has for his childhood friendship with Pat--he's always been shaped by this hatred between his house and their neighbors, as well as Dissaya's pain over her fallout with her childhood friend. he lies and manipulates others to avoid conflict because he hates it, hates how its always been his burden, hates the pain its caused him literally all his life. and here, with Wai, it'd be so much easier for him to completely cut ties. but it'd hurt. it would hurt him so much to lose his friends, even if it'd be easier, and instead of isolating the way we know he's prone to, he reaches out first. and! this is noticeably the opposite of how Dissaya (didn't) handle her pain with Ming! Pran is and has always been the first one to break the cycle of pain between the two families--first in helping Paa, then building his friendship with Pat, then trying to find peace between the faculties. and for me, him reaching out first to Wai is this wonderful and subtle reinforcement of how he subverts our expectations and why he's my favorite character in BBS

so with episode 9, i would've loved something a little less dramatic than Pat getting shot that would've tied into that reoccurring theme in Pran's character a little more. the silent apology from Wai to him also got a little lost between ep9 to ep10, which put more of the burden on Pran ): so i want him and Wai to have a proper talk where Wai struggles with his messy feelings over everything and Pran is a little more honest about his connection with Pat, and Pran gets a proper spoken apology from Wai. Wai resolves to be a better friend and we see more of him being that better friend in situations where he wouldn't have to be (like, Wai wouldn't leave Pat to rot in prison for something he didn't do, that's just not who Wai is. so pushing Wai to instead be open with Pran and support/help him without bringing any of his own personal drama into it, in contrast to his past actions, has a bigger impact for me)

okay wow uh. so this story ramble RLY got away from me ahjfjhfjhf i think this even counts as meta now? rip. check out the other two links above for the Pran & Paa and Inkpa sides of this fic, but basically this fic is me grossly sobbing over Pran & Paa. breaking the cycle of hatred between their families really started with them and i think the ways that hatred and anger shaped the three kids is a lot more subtle with the two of them, and maybe gets a little lost in the fast paced narrative. so the ep9 alt doc is a lot of me crying over their character nuances but in writing fic form because i can't write proper meta to save my life 😂

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