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critical42 · 1 month ago

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How putting her first and Self Betrayal ruined my relationship.

Seems impossible right? It's not.

The following describes my journey of, Self Betrayal.

Intro

She was always a materialistic woman. If it wasn't something she could see, touch, hold, and own then it was nothing. That of course took some time getting used to however I tried my best. The easy way out of financial stress, relationship stress, and all stress in general was always the route she took. Effort, to her, was not an option. But a burden.

September,

I entered the relationship with the purpose of being honest, transparent, forthcoming, and with a mission to shape our future to what we dreamed of. From day one it was never me, it was us. We.

Of course within the first couple of days of dating she was asking for money, items, and to have me pay to get her nails done. I provided without questioning as she was going to college full time and couldn't work. I took the responsibility of all of her financial obligations immediately. Looking back that turned out to be a grave mistake. Every time rent was due, if I didn't have the money I'd ask my family for help, I sold things of mine to pay her rent and even switched jobs in hopes of making more to provide for her.

October.

This was a stressful month, financially. While I was providing the best I can I knew I had to switch things around to pay the bills, her bills. I decided to sell an item of mine and ignore my car payment for us to make rent. Even that wasn't enough. We were still short. We were saved by one of her friends that gave us $400 to help with rent as he was a single parent and knew how tough it is. We fought about that, it was a bad fight. As I didn't believe someone wouldn't willingly give up $400 for anyone. The next day we settled on the argument, as not everyone is like me and there are still kind people in the world.

November.

Unfortunately we weren't able to make rent. I'm starting to realize I'm in too deep, but I can't leave her there with no way out. I can't allow her to lose everything.

December,

It became clear that college was not for her. She was failing, didn’t feel welcome, and we decided it was best for her to drop out. Which at the time seemed like perfect timing because I was a month behind on my car payment, phone bill was always at risk of being shut off, insurance was canceled, and rent was behind. I was financially failing with my independence at risk. With this in mind we talked about her going back to work in January and she agreed. She also understood what I was at risk of losing.

January

Came and instead of working she wanted to start a business. After back and forth talks I agreed to pay for her startup in lieu of my independence. Her sales goals and profit margins were set by me as well as marketing strategies and short term/long term goals were set. Within a month she sold 2 items then quit. We resumed talks about her going to work as February was approaching. She agreed. Again, she agreed knowing what I was at risk of loosing.

Turning point.

In the later part of January is when everything changed. The friend that sent her $400 didn't do it out of the kindness of his heart. He did it because she sent him nudes. I was shaken, torn up, I felt cheated. I was. "Why do bad things happen to good people?" I thought to myself, "Why, why..." Next I began questioning her, "Why would anyone pay $400 for nudes? I remember that day, you were gone for a while. Show me proof that it was just nudes." She couldn't provide, she deleted all of their text messages. All of the evidence was gone but yet she immediately expected me to trust her that she was telling me the absolute truth. The ignorance. After she went to sleep I took her phone. Added her login information to social media sites onto mine, put her phone next to her then dug. I went through everything. "I have to know what kind of person she is, I need to learn her behaviors from the past, I have to know everything." Throughout the night I laid down, eyes glued to my phone, researching. I found out where the guy lived, his social media information, his phone number, everything. Then I found the transaction on Cash App. In Cash App you can add descriptions into why you're sending the money. This description would change the way I look at her for the rest of our relationship. It said, "Because I'm pretty." It was sent in first person meaning she had his phone during the transfer, I've concluded she had sex with him then held his phone to send the money immediately after. To me it was the truth, the only explanation. The only reasoning I see to pay someone $400 was not for nudes, but for sex. I now became obsessed with finding the truth as I was confident she lied to me, again. I decided to secretly research, keep her information on my phone, and wait until I had the opportunity to set up a confession. In my mind, in order to regain her trust I first needed the truth and the whole truth, with evidence. With proof.

Before going to sleep that night I decided to call her best friend, more to come from her later. I told her best friend what in order to seek reassurance that what I did was understandable. She not only agreed with me but also let me know that my partner thought about lying to me about her confession. She said, “She told me she was thinking about saying how she sent the guy nudes from Google for money instead of pics of herself.”

Ah, so now I definitely do not trust her. If she was able to think about sugar coating the truth then what makes it impossible for her to fabricate a lie? To then gaslight me into believing it? The funny thing is that she mentioned Google in her explanation to me, “I just took a couple of selfies and he couldn’t tell it was me, I should’ve sent him photos from Google.”

It’s also important to note that the day she said she sent nudes was a day that she has a Halloween party at her college and she shaved ‘down there’. Not only that, but she didn’t get home until later and she didn’t talk to me nor the best friend that much that day.

Continuing.

February

is here. She has now decided instead of going to work she was going to start another business. After rigorous fighting I caved and gave her a deadline to start making appointments. She agreed. Again, knowing what I was close to loosing.

Just like I expected, she didn't deliver. She passed her certifications and that was it. She knew what I was risking and although she claimed to love me unconditionally she failed to love me enough to help me keep my things. Immediately after that, my car was repossessed. We are now down to one car.

My independence is gone. I can’t leave now even if I wanted to.

Money is what we needed. She, at the time, had a big collection of purses that was worth at least $40-$60 a piece. If she were to sell them it would’ve covered rent and then some.

When I introduced that idea she said, “No absolutely not.” Another big fight ensued.

At the time I concluded that it’s okay for me to lose something but not for her too. Just like I said, she’s a very materialistic girl, very selfish. After a couple of days she did come to the conclusion that selling her purses was the right thing to do. So she started to sell them. She was so proud of herself, I was also proud of her.

March,

Came, tax season. This month's topic was what she's spending her tax money on. Not what job she's getting, but how she could use her tax return. She made it a point to buy an almost $2k iMac. Of course with her not having a job and her priorities straightened out, it caused an argument between us. I was starting to see how selfish she was. How gullible I was. We ended up talking it out, and she still bought the computer while paying rent and a couple other bills a couple months in advance. "Now's the time," I thought, "once she gets a job we'll get ahead."

April,

Was empty, barely any fighting until it came to one topic. You as the reader can probably guess what we fought about. Her finding a job. This time she began her job search but wasn't following up appropriately to secure interviews. She was also applying at companies she was underqualified for. Her work history was nothing short of an embarrassment anyway, as an expert in the field I knew she was wasting her time with those positions.

Then in the end of the month I got tired of hearing "Everything will be okay, don't stress out." so I made a list of places for her to call and forced her to call them. After the 3rd or 4th call she had an interview scheduled.

May,

Was the month of grace, she got the job I made her call. She's now working. "Finally! We got this! I'm so damn proud of you!"

June,

In the later part of the month, she got fired.

July,

Was make it or break it month. She began applying at other places, trying to find a job. I tried to get her in with the company I work for but to no avail. Time was running out. We're running out of time. Our rent is coming due.

Now something else started to happen, our landlord was landscaping our property. Painting, cutting down trees, trimming bushes... I spoke to her about my worry. I was worried that the landlord is planning on giving us an eviction notice to charge higher rent. "There's no way they're doing all of this, investing all of this money for this property, just to let us stay here." She told me I was overthinking like I always did and not to worry because everything will be okay.

August,

We got served an eviction notice. We must be out by September. She has been living there for 4 years and wasn't on a lease, she was month to month. It was an emotional month, this time I was down and she was strong. For the most part. I realize everything I did to keep this place, the things I sacrificed, was all for nothing. Everything I did was for nothing. Ironically, we grew very close during this time. It was time for us to “face the music, together.”

September,

We’re moved out and into her family's home. I had to rent out multiple storage units to fit her stuff in, almost $500/month it turned out to be. She didn't want an outdoor unit because she had a bad experience in the past, I told her we have to save money and get one but she refused, we fought, and I gave in. Again. This month was very stressful for her, for us. There are 3 young children running through the house all day and 5 on the weekends when we have my kids. It was quite the adjustment that quickly turned into a depressing situation. Her emotional health, no matter what I did or provided, was taking a huge hit. She would recall how she lost her home and how depressed she was because of it. As selfish as it seemed, I was envious. "If only she would recognize what I sacrificed... she never will. At least she has a car, stuff in storage units I bought, and a new set of nails on her fingers I paid for."

This was also the month things got heated between the mother of my children and I which led to a post on social media. That was a bad idea, because now my partner's best friend is out to "find dirt" about me and to get in between my partner and I. That whole situation showed me that not only was my partner not taking initiative in what I ask her to do but also didn't defend me when her best friend was talking trash. She even encouraged it. Again, I felt betrayed. I remembered that I had her log in information and used it to keep tabs on her, "I have to know if she'll defend me like she said she would, I have to know if I can actually trust her." She never did defend me. Although, she did cease talking to her for a little bit after that ordeal.

The Friend Makes Himself Known

Something strange and unpredictable happened.

She got a text from a random number that said, “Hook up for $?”. It was in her deleted folder in her texts. “Holy shit. This is the guy’s number, I thought I had it before but I guess my findings were wrong. Now’s my chance.”

I messaged the guy the same thing he messaged my partner. “Want to hook up?” He replied, “Who is this?” I responded, “answer the phone you’ll recognize me.”

I tried to call him, a few different times. He didn’t answer and instead would text me, “There’s people around”. After texting back and forth for a while I was trying to find out what his name was in order to verify it’s the same person. He must’ve sniffed me out because he gave me another name (one that didn’t match the name of the person that transferred the money) and communication ceased.

I know it was him. And it became apparent I was not going to get answers from him. I thought to myself, “How pathetic, a man paying girls for sex… I bet he has a family, a wife, a home. And he’s trying to get some ass from my girl? Again?”

Now came the decision, should I confront her about it? No. Absolutely not. However since I found out the truth through all the evidence I had why would I tell her? To be gaslit again and have a huge fight? The last couple weeks have been amazing. She got a job, has been happier, has been working hard, I don’t want to ruin that. I can move on with my inner peace.

Continuing,

October,

The current month. We've been pretty good for the last couple weeks. She got a job, she was becoming happier and hopeful and I got a second job to help get us out of there faster. I now work 7 days a week.

A couple days ago changed everything. My youngest son, 2 1/2 is now potty training and doing very well at his mom's house. I told my partner how important it was for him to be in big boy underwear and dressed even after he has an accident. She told me he can remain in a diaper while he's potty training which is benign to me. If a child is in a diaper, they'll use the diaper. If they're in regular underwear they'll be pressured to go to the restroom. After talking back and forth about it she agreed.

The next day I get off work from my second job and when I get home I see my son with no clothes on, in a diaper. I was furious, to me what I was asking for was a simple task. After all if you want to be a stepmom you should be willing by now to step parent. We got into a massive fight, she then told me how bad her back was hurting her and that she couldn't do it. I told her that excuse is absurd and dismissible. The fight continued and she left the house to go for a walk.

3 miles. She ended up walking 3 miles that night. Her sister in law had to pick her up. Now begs the question, "If your back is in horrible pain how were you able to walk 3 miles? That shows me you'd much rather do something out of anger than to do such a simple task for me out of love." When she got back I gave it a break and let her lay down for a while.

Then I find out, through her login info, that she is now full on hyping her friend up while she's putting her two sense into our relationship. She's making Tiktoks about me, telling her she should call the cops when I have the car and report it stolen. Terrible stuff. But first I have to give you more background on her.

The “Best” Friend

The “best” friend is also an X of my partner which is female. They've known each other for years, grew up together, been through everything together. They are truly attached to the hip. She has 2 kids and has custody of 1 as the other got taken away. Jobs are an option even though her partner doesn't make that much money, she has a whole slew of health issues derived from her poor lifestyle, eating habits, and laziness (she's a couple years younger than me with the health of a 70 year old woman). She doesn't have a drivers license, no ambitions to do anything more than sitting on a couch playing video games and playing therapist, lawyer, doctor, FDA agent all day. She's been obsessed with intruding in me and my partner's relationship since day 1. She gives relationship advice to my partner even though her relationship is in peril, the same goes for financial advice, legal advice, and how to fight a custody battle (which she lost). Where I'm getting at is that when I want to improve something about my life I talk to people that have the life I want. If I make friends with a couple that's in a happy successful relationship I'll ask them for advice, not the ones that's been divorced or in an unhappy relationship. Her goal in life is to be comfortable. Nothing more, nothing less. Once she found the man that was willing to give his life up for her and her son she felt as if she didn't have to try. He has been supporting her since day one, financially and emotionally. He's been taking care of her son since he was young, raising him, taking him to school and dropping him off. All because he's trying to give her the life he thinks she deserves. But I know something. I know something terrible. Like my partner, her best friend also thinks of immediate gratification over long term goal setting, patience, and acts of service. A couple years into her and her fiancé's relationship she felt like he wasn't giving her enough attention so she slept with another man in the same house they lived in, while her boyfriend slept.

This type of person wants to get in between my relationship? This type of selfish person is the type of person my partner should be taking advice from? No. Absolutely not. Especially since she's more keen on encouraging negative behavior from her than to defend me.

At the beginning of our relationship I would confide in her because she knew my partner best. The talks even led me through self discovery on how I can do things better. Then, it eventually changed. I found her manipulating me deeper into the wild thoughts and scenarios I had. She wasn’t making my issues better she was making them worse.

I found out her new intentions, to control the narrative in my relationship. She claims she’s “just trying to help”. However I don’t look at the reasoning as to why people do what they do, I look at what they actually do. That excuse, “I’m just trying to help” or “I’m just trying to protect her” are gaslight statements within itself to give the person saying it a reason to do horrible stuff. It’s pathetic.

Continuing.

Day Before Yesterday,

We talked about what happened. However instead of giving in I held my ground. Her reasoning for not doing something as simple as putting clothes on a child, my child, was absurd and I'm standing by that. Then something else came out of the woodwork, she found out I had her log in information in my phone. that made her furious.

"You're telling me for the last 9 months our relationship has been a lie? You never trusted me like you said you did! You crossed a line that I don't know if I can look past."

As tensions grew and it became apparent she wasn't giving in, no matter what I said. I said I was sorry and that she proved to me she could be trusted. I tried to explain how I understand it was a breach of privacy and that I should've deleted it a while ago but didn't. She told me it would be best if we took a break.

The Break

Although with everything laid out like this it makes it easier to realize that I did more than I should’ve with her. I sacrificed more than I should’ve.

In our fights she would point the finger at me and tell me “I never asked you to do it so you can’t blame me!” However, she is partially right but mostly wrong.

I told her what I was going to lose if she didn’t pull her weight. I gave her ample warning and instead of taking action she decided to sit on the sidelines and wait for it to happen. She showed no urgency nor a care in the world what I was giving up. But she sure did tell me how much she missed driving my car after it was taken.

I’ve set the expectation that I will not be paying a dime for the storage units that’s holding all of her belongings. It’s not my stuff, not my responsibility. It’s time she works to keep the stuff she wants as I’ve done enough. More than enough.

Looking back everything I did never excited her. The songs I made, the side hustle ideas I’d come up with, everything. Was not her thing.

Everything she said she has done for her past relationships she’s never done for me. She never took that initiative because I, through my acts of service and self betrayal, taught her she didn’t have too.

As much as I want to dismiss her progress I have to give credit where it’s due. She has been a better person, way better, than what she was when we first got together.

I became in tune with her emotions, could tell what she’s thinking. Held her at night when she was in despair, hugged her and kissed her every time I came home from work. Told her how much I loved her and how proud I am of her every single night before bed.

We almost made it. All the pieces were coming together.

Hope

There, I believe, is hope that this break will shape us into a stronger pair. That she will reach out to me and welcome me back with open arms. That there will be another time I get to hold her, kiss her, and provide for her.

Where I can stare into her eyes to remind myself of why I do what I do. I know for a fact that my only way to have a successful loving life is through her.

Realistically

She will quit. She will use this time away to find new options and to come up with a game plan to get my stuff out of the house. Now since I’m used up, since I’m trying to teach her how to respect my wishes and my parenting guidelines for my kids (like I’ve done for her) she has no use for me anymore.

My goal was to teach her how to be independent. How to be proud, how to love. But like Anakin Skywalker the moment she found out she’s accomplishing more than she’s ever had, she blames me for holding her back and now resents our experience.

Realistically I need to let her go. My great trustworthy support system of intelligent, friendly, honest, forthcoming people has advised me to do so. Because if we get back together it will get worse. This is coming from people that’s been in this situation before.

Realistically my partner’s “best” friend is capitalizing on this situation. Encouraging her that she’s been right about me this whole time. That she needs to focus on herself or find a new dick to bounce on. That everything will be okay because she will be right by her side. She’s eating this up because she knows she helped divide and conquer.

Realistically I’m scared. Terrified. If everything I did for her wasn’t enough to earn her respect then clearly I’m not good enough for someone that needed me, which means I’ll never be good enough for someone that doesn’t.

Conclusion

I did my best. I grew to love her unconditionally despite what I found out. Despite what I proved. The confidence and trust I have in her is astounding. But she doesn’t want to believe it. And she doesn’t want to defend me behind my back.

Like all other things, books, furniture, technology, decorations, light bulbs, door mats, we as people are replaceable.

I’ve concluded that if what I think will happen comes true I will inform her best friend’s boyfriend of the affair. He deserves to know. And if he has any self respect he would leave her. I will tear her family apart like she did mine without batting an eye. After all, misery loves company. She brought me to misery, I’m just amplifying her own. Besides, I have nothing else to lose.

After I mourn the loss of my self esteem, the loss of my love, the loss of myself, I will come out of this a more selfish person. Safeguarding my way of life, interests, and ambitions for me and my children above all else. I will take my time to learn to love again, but my fear is when I do….

This will all happen again.

With someone new.

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